#I do not think the emotional vulnerability I gave into this weekend helped lol

[nighthawkes]

.

[1d1195]

SAM MY LOVE IM BACK!!!My feedback is going to a bit jumbled so i'm sorry if none of it makes sense lol

OKAY SO I LOVED DING  ROUND 3!!!!! Ngl I was a tad bit frustrated with Harry in this one but only because my guy is just a bit impatient when it comes to her lol And I know he means NO harm when asking her about what happened the night of her date and why she ended up in the classes like he truly just CARES about her so I get him! Plus with knowing his backstory of how he has always been a “protector” and his whole deal with how he processes his own emotions, it makes sense his behavior! But Cupcake is also going through it and it’s clear that they are on opposite spectrums on how they deal with things. AND it is something very hard to process no matter the outcome of it and it’s harder to say it out loud because it feels like it makes it ‘real’ if that makes sense lol. Anyways TELL ME WHY THAT GROSS MAN IS AT HER BAKERY?!?! I WANT TO SCREAM AND SCARE HIM AWAY FROM HER!!! BUT I'm glad that this was a nice way to lead Harry and Cupcake to have their own vulnerable moments! BUT AHHHH I LOVED IT SAM! YOU DID GREAT AS ALWAYS!!

NOW THE NEIGHBORS EXTRA 😭I LOVE RORY SO MUCH😭I think last month or so (i have no concept of time anymore) I re-read the whole story and extras in one go… I have no idea why my brain does this but it was worth it lol ANYWAYS ugh i loved it! I do love that bit of angst and once again it makes sense for Harry to feel like that! Was it the best way to react, not really but given the circumstances it was kinda the only option aside from talking it out lol But I really was NOT worried because they are END GAME! It was so cute! I just love them so much! But that's nothing surprising since I love everything you put out lol

Now my reasoning for my slight disappearance lol I have had two midterms this week and basically from now until the end of the quarter it’s mainly exams! I think I will end somewhere in June, I'm starting week 5 out of 10 next week! And I fear I will be taking summer courses :( I really fucked up my second year so that’s kinda why I need to take some courses in order to graduate on time lol . But I've only had a few TAs where I personally have been attracted to which have all been from my psyc courses lol and Ugh I MISS  MY HOT PROFESSOR 😭 I LONG for that man and its pathetic😭 and literally if you did call me an idiot, I would NOT blame you because I am one the majority of the time 😂 oh I wanted to be on my knees when he gave his lecture lol

And it really was nice! I got a limited edition Paramore/David Byrne vinyl and Lauefy’s A night at the symphony vinyl! And some other classical records! My main reason for waking up early was to get a Paramore poster and Sam when I tell you I CALLED all the stores within my city/county and only ONE had them, I wanted to cry! I didn't get it because the line was HUGE and the moment I found out they ran out I wanted to jump off a building 😀 But overall i had a nice time! And ooo what color is your record?

I totally get the shopping part! I too have my fair share of body image issues so I don’t blame you for feeling like that. But I'm glad you were able to find some clothes that you feel at least okay in! I'm sure you’ll look lovely in your choices! And I'm glad you had a nice break! You for sure have earned that little break! And don’t ever feel bad about not staying on top of your writing schedule, it’s a BUSY season for high schoolers and if you're helping with senior activities it’s so stressful! So be kind on yourself and if you need to miss a day or a few weeks of posting that’s okay💗

Hope you had a nice week back! I miss you! Hope you have a lovely weekend! Love you!!!-💜

So glad you liked Ding and Neighbors! I was a bit worried about Neighbors--I struggle with angsty stuff sometimes but I guess maybe it's the whole it's coming from my brain thing again. Maybe I'm biased but I love Ding a lot 😭 I'm really excited about it (so excited that I may have written the last part before parts 4, 5, and 6 lol)

ANYWAY.

OMG JUNNNNNEEEEE?! Ma'am I'm so sorry that seems so far away--I'm sure you'll crush it and it will be here before you know it (I'm VERY excited for June--I can't last much longer in my classroom I'm going out of my mind. This week felt endless and exhausting and I keep thinking every week is going to get better, less tiring and they're just NOT. Idk what the problem is.) I miss your hot professor for you 😭 I'm glad you have hot TAs you can sub in for him--def not the same but will help for the next five weeks.

There are no wrong paths in college. If you take extra time (or have to take summer classes) it's where you're supposed to be and it's not a big deal. You'll get it done and do fantastic 💕

So cool about your records! I love that for you! It's so funny you called stores for a poster 😭 (Fun fact: I HATE phone calls. Like an OBNOXIOUS irrational fear) I'm sorry you didn't get it, I hope you can find it at some point in time! I'm glad it was enjoyable overall and you got the ones you wanted. My one lonely record is bright yellow and kinda see through--it's really pretty! I'm not sure why I'm surprised. Everything Harry does is pretty.

Honestly, I think I will def be missing a few posting dates. I don't want to, but I think it's inevitable. I can't wait for summer 😭

No plans for this weekend! Hopefully it will be relaxing but I'm afraid I'll be filling it up with a million things I need to get done that didn't get done during the week. I plan on making sure I read and go for a walk on both days so as long as I do that I think it will be okay--and of course write Ding Part 4. (I also need to fold my laundry and vacuum but those are my fave chores). I hope you have a fun weekend planned--you deserve it after exams and not getting your poster 💕

Love you, bestie!!!!

xoxo

[disgruntledspacedad]

I think I just had a massive paradigm shift. 

So, we all kind of understand that humans have this constant need for validation. We all like to pretend we don’t, to brush this need beneath the rug and carry on with our bullshit like each of us aren’t screaming to be acknowledged. 

To be seen. 

To be known.

Guys, I think this is part of what love is. To be loved is to be known. It’s to be acknowledged at the most intimate level and validated at our core. And sometimes, I think that I am so caught up in my need to be seen, or more likely, the fact that my deepest fear is that this need will not be met - rejection, isolation, and preemptive retaliation - that I close myself off from the ability to see others. 

Let me try to give you an example. Trigger warning for mentions of guns (hunting rifles), deer hunting, mental health, and suicide. 

Yes, this is another Dead Dad post. 

Today, I was going through some backlogged emails. With all of my life bullshit, I had let the inbox get a little cluttered, and it was time to clean house. 

I stumbled across an email from Dad. He’d sent it two weeks before he died. The subject was, “My Life, My Lot.”

Listen, if you think I am melodramatic... lol, the genetics are strong here, okay? 

Okay.

I opened it, and guys, my Dad had documented his entire life story. I won’t go into details, but there were so many things written there that I didn’t know about him. I’ll be honest, I had a little breakdown and couldn’t finish reading it. Not today. Today is his birthday, actually, and the universe just dropped this very painful, very beautiful gift in my lap.

It brought me back to a phone conversation that we’d had before he died. He’d been bitching about his group therapy class, about how the projects were silly and the questions were shallow. “Fuck a therapist,” I remember him saying very vehemently. He did mention to me, though, that his therapist had suggested writing about his struggles. He was reluctant, naturally. Dad was always very reluctant about ideas that weren’t his own.

I was deep in my Better Love shit by this point, and he only brought it up because he knew I was “a writer.” I jumped on this. “It might be good for you,” I told him. “It might help you. Sure as fuck helps me.”

The next time we spoke, the next day, he was actually pretty excited, a tone that I had long since only associated with opiates. I was skeptical - what are they medicating him with now? I wondered. I only half listened as he began to tell me about his group session.

Guys, he had written some of his story, and he’d read it aloud in group. 

I perked up at this. “What did they say?” 

Apparently they loved it. I was proud of him. I asked him to read it to me, and he started to. 

Guys, it was incredible. My Dad could really turn a phrase, and I’d never known this about him. His use of imagery and metaphor really shocked me. I was impressed and I told him so. “That makes me feel really good, to hear you say that,” he said. 

Looking back, that’s the most validation I ever received from my Dad. The fact that he considered me a writer, and that my opinion mattered to him. Fuck, that sounds so small, but it’s not. 

In that moment, he saw me.

And more telling still, it was probably the last time he ever received any from me. His allotted phone call time was coming to a close, and I encouraged him to continue writing. 

“You think I should?”

I really do, Dad. I want to read it. 

He sent me that email, and I fucking missed it, guys. That’s not even the point of this post, though. Sometimes, life catches you by the throat and you just miss things. 

The point is in the knowing. 

There was one other time in the last year of Dad’s life that I saw him light up like that. I knew it was significant then, and its one of my most precious memories now. 

Dad was a deer hunter. In the last five or so years of his life, he completely gave up on that (depression is a bitch that way), but since I finished school and moved back home, hunting was a childhood hobby that I picked back up with a lot of enthusiasm. I hunted from his place, because who buys a lease when Dad lives 30 minutes away? Duh.

Last fall, there was so much more urgency to opening weekend than buck fever. I knew, deep down, that this was the last season we’d have together. Things had been bad for a long time, but they were nearing unsustainable. 

I knew that. 

One evening, before I left, he was sitting in his chair. He did a lot of that, just sitting and staring into space. I glanced at the gun cabinet, and for some reason, I thought to ask, “Dad, tell me about your guns.”

I had to pull him to his feet, but guys, the way he lit up. He took each one out of the safe and started telling me when he bought it, the little tricks about which scope shoots kinda high and which one kicks like a bitch. How old he was, who he bought it from, memorable hunting experiences. Dad was an award winning taxidermist, so getting all of the old stories again, complete with props, was another gift. 

I just watched him, guys. He was so present. Alive in a way I hadn’t seen him in years. He smelled like booze, but he was talking and smiling. Mom watched from the doorway, and I remember thinking very clearly to myself, Seal this moment in your mind. Pay attention. Dwell on it. Cherish it. It’s important. 

That night, I validated my dad. I asked to know him, and I saw him.

Even if I didn’t recognize it then, that was an act of love to the deepest degree. Love in the only way a dying man could accept, and love that the only way a jaded daughter knew to give. 

If I can take away a single life lesson from my father’s suicide, I hope it’s this:

I hope it’s that I learn to see people. 

Not just to reciprocate good feelings when good feelings are received. That’s nice, but that’s not love. 

Not just to go about my life with my head down, so wrapped in my own bullshit that I forget that other people even exist. Object permanence is a concept that even adult Jay struggles with, much to her detriment. 

Not to be so stuck on my own fears that I miss that everyone around me shares them. True connection requires that first, we are opened. And to be open is to be vulnerable. 

Not just to seek my own validation, but to also validate you.

I don't know, guys, I’m tired and emotional and just rambling now. 

But this feels important, okay?

[alwaysmychoices]

Your turn for fic writers asks! 4-9, 13 and 40 :) <3

4. How many fic ideas are you nurturing right now? Care to share one of them?

I always have With and Without in my brain, tbh. Right now, I’m working on the chapter where they take Louise to rehab & then another chapter where Charlie keeps pushing herself to overcome her fear of going back to Edenbrook. 

I also have a few other ideas - like a one shot that @stateofgracious​ gave me the idea for where Ethan gets jealous when Charlie goes to a conference with another doctor. I’m interested in doing a series about a HC I did where Ethan and MC hooked up before working together. Recently, I mentioned my very first Open Heart fic idea, which was Ethan gaining custody of Dolores’s son and MC helping him. Talking about it brought all those ideas back. Those are the main ones, but I honestly don’t know when or if I’ll ever write them.

 5. Share one of your strengths.

I think I can connect to the character’s emotions and convey them pretty well. Also, I do so much angst that I hope it’s a strength!

6. Share one of your weaknesses.

I do not know when to shut up. I have a very hard time cutting anything, so sometimes, it’s just way too long and takes too much time to get to the point. I also don’t describe locations or anything like that, so I don’t give that immersive experience that can be nice for a reader. 

And writing fluff is hard. Without some kind of conflict to drive the story, I don’t know what to write. Even when I do write it, I never think that my fluff work is my best work either.

7. Share a snippet from one of your favorite pieces of prose you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

So, my laptop’s background is actually a quote from “Making Amends.” It’s “gone were the days of flirting with the divine,” which I am really obsessed with. I just like how it expresses hubris and this feeling of falling from grace. 

But my favorite is probably from “After Hours”

“In that moment, he knew he was going to kiss Charlie Greene, and it was the best thought he’d had in a very long time.

When he closed the small distance between them, Charlie’s only thought was ‘Finally’ before everything else was lost to the fireworks that flashed before her eyes.

There was a profound, blissful moment of clarity where Charlie suddenly understood that this had been inevitable. This kiss – as surprising as it felt – had been coming on from the moment she picked him over David. It had been written in stone the second she made the decision to stay with him, and their bumbling attempts at friendship had been merely a stepping stone.”

Firstly, it was a huge moment in the series, so I adore it in that sense. But I also love how it captures their entire relationship building up to that point, putting things into perspective going forward. The entire time, they’re thinking that this is the wrong thing to do, but in this passage, it’s framed as a destined act where there is no blame to be had. I’m a big fan of how words fit together as well, and “bumbling attempts at friendship” gets me. 

I have a few others, but I’m bad at remembering them. I keep a giant word doc of WAW (it’s up to 300+ pages now, oops), so I’ll probably start bolding my favorite passages. 

8. Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it. This is from “Crying in the Rain”:

“You terrify me,” Charlie blurted out, and Ethan took a startled step back.

...

“When I actually almost lost you, I was so devastated that I wasn’t afraid anymore,” Charlie confessed, “I understand if you changed your mind,” she added with a crack in her voice because, really, she didn’t understand.

How could someone be this close to greatness and change their mind?

“I know I hurt you, and I’m sorry. And if I ruined everything, I’m so sorry, Ethan,” Charlie had to look up to blink back the tears, but they slipped down her cheek anyway. She laughed softly, wiping them away as Ethan stared at her, “But please don’t change your mind. Because my answer is yes.”

...

Ethan kissed the top of her head, squeezing her tighter as he whispered, “My Charlie.”

“I’m afraid, too,” Ethan admitted, scared to lessen his grip in case she might somehow disappear.

“That’s okay,” Charlie whispered.

I love this for so many reasons. Their shared vulnerability is so raw and uncomfortable for both characters, and the fact they’re willing to show it to have the other person is incredible. Also, the idea that they can do this and still be afraid is really important to me. It wouldn’t have been authentic to the characters if they weren’t scared, and I was proud of the way it was expressed and not neglected for the Rom-Com moment. I love the balance of Rom-Com drama and emotional authenticity. I just love it so much. 

9. Which fic has been the hardest to write? 

Emotionally, “Is This Goodbye?” broke me. To capture it well, I felt like I had to put myself in that emotional space, and it was hard. I was crying, and at one point, I decided that I just had to write it instead of dragging it out. I think I was up until 4 in the morning writing it. I usually edit right away, but I gave myself a long time so I could have a break to recover, lol. I’ve written a lot of angst (for example, look at my Royal Romance fics), but that experience was more intense than what I’ve done before. I think I asked a lot more of myself, but I’m happy with how it turned out. 

Writing-wise, I had a hard time with “Goodbye”  because it was the last chapter of A Weekend with Dr. Ramsey, and I was balancing a lot of competing elements. I wanted it to be a final ending, but I wanted to leave room for my  next series. I wanted it to be painful but not to painful, etc. 

13. What’s the best writing advice you’ve ever come across?

Write what you want to read, keep practicing, and even if you hate your work right now, don’t delete it.

40. Write an alternative ending to [insert fic title] (or just the summary of one).

And here’s the big one. I had a hard time picking a fic for an alternative ending, so I got inspired to do “What if my AU series never happened?” or an AU to my AU, if you will. AND IT GOT KINDA DARK. 

Here’s my alternative to “With and Without” and “A Weekend with Dr. Ramsey,” starting with “Drunk Texts.”

I ended up making it a post on its own because it became so long...

[cordonia]

Ethan + MC: “Kill Us”: I Do P2

Summary: Two days confined in his apartment, two days to decide if they should be together. Time is almost up and Dr. Valentine can’t leave until she has an answer. 

Inspired by Kill Us by Jessie Reyez

“I know nobody gets outta love alive We either break up when we're young Or we say goodbye when we die For a moment at least I know You were mine and it was beautiful”

Warnings: Angst, sexual content (I kept it short, nothing worse than a diamond scene and completely skippable, just scroll a little lol!) 

Word Count: 3444

“No more apologies, I don’t want to waste more time together.” 

She’d agreed instantly, so tired of the sadness that came with every apology they uttered to each other. They could focus on brighter, more important things. Other things could wait, at first. 

They’d been alone for two days, hiding away in Ethan’s apartment like students skipping classes and afraid to be caught. She had the time off, however she doubted Ethan had had a two day weekend in a very long time. How he managed to spend this much time with her was unknown, she was afraid asking would change his mind. 

Without being said, there was a promise that existed between them. When Valentine left late that night, they would decide the fate of their relationship and wouldn’t argue or upset themselves again. 

There hadn’t been much discussion so far; mostly sleeping in, arguing over the news and talking until either of them got frustrated enough to steal a kiss. Valentine could have done it on repeat forever, unable to find a reason why she would ever want to leave. 

She’d learned long ago that it was never that easy, but it stopped her from daydreaming. It had been a long time since she had dazed off in someone’s arms and dreamt about anything happy. This was far from wanting to escape, but too close to a fantasy feeling that felt too good. 

The evening came quite quickly, and Valentine felt herself counting down the hours until Ethan would need to sleep and ask her to leave. They both had to work the next day, and neither of them knew what their state of mind would be like. The countdown of time was heavy, she felt weighed down to the couch. 

Her head laid his lap, his fingers twirling through her hair absentmindedly. She was wearing one of his shirts, not point in getting dressed until she had to leave. She curled her bare legs into herself and closed her eyes. 

“How many people have you ever loved?” She didn’t know if she wanted to know the answer, but she had a habit of asking those kinds of questions. 

He had to think about it, but when he finally had an answer it was more complicated than it was in his head. 

“There are so many forms of love, and it feels strange to categorize it. I haven’t been in many long term relationships. Everything in-between them was a fleeting experience. Positive or negative, it didn’t always have to matter.” 

“I don’t want the in-between anymore, I’m so tired. I want the passion and ecstasy and I’m sick of it being temporary.” She sounded a bit flustered, but she suddenly felt sick thinking of being described as a fleeting experience to him. It wasn’t like that, never was, but what if he one day finally forgot how much he loved her?  

“What if I’m not the ecstasy?” He tried not to show any emotion in his voice but she still sat up. She adjusted to face him, her legs folding under her, and she sat back on her feet. It gave her the slight height to be eye level with him. 

It was difficult to find a scenario in which she fell out of love with him. A small part of her knew that she had never been in a real relationship with him, that being the first problem. Then there was the matter of their careers, they would complicate so many decisions in their life together. 

“I think I just want whatever you are then,” she confided. But that didn’t stop her brain from delving into a more detailed look at their options. 

If they were to have a family, one of them would need to put their career on pause for a little while. What if Ethan didn’t picture himself ever staying home long enough to raise a family? What if she didn’t? Before him it seemed unlikely she really wanted a family. When she looked at him then, she hated the concept of him one day passing without leaving someone behind who knew his love and all of the wonderful memories he had to offer. She knew it was biological, all bodies, all genders often felt that pull. She had hoped to be among those who were a little bit different. Lucky, she supposed. 

But that was impulse, and whether or not it would last was not guaranteed. Next week she could change her mind, not everyone was built for parenting. They could do so many amazing together with the rest of their lives. Endless possibilities, even with their careers. That scared her as well though. 

Who was she supposed to be? 

“I spent an exceptional amount time forcing you out of my mind,” he admitted. He was holding her hand in his, studying the small scars and lines that made it entirely hers. “I don’t know how successful I was.”

“Did you want to be?” 

“I’ve learned a lot about pain tolerance and it’s never been strong when it comes to you. I don’t want to be in pain.” His eyes darkened, and she held her breath, trying to avoid a reaction. 

She wanted to cry, to tell him she knew what it felt like, but also that she was sorry. But they had sworn against apologies, and they were running out of time. 

“We need to talk about what could keep us apart, Ethan.” 

He looked away from her, catching their reflection in the TV across the room. She couldn’t tell if he was preparing himself for a difficult conversation or if he was arguing with his thoughts. 

“Just say it aloud, no matter what the other person says. We say what we’re afraid of and we talk to talk it through. Promise?” 

He nodded thoughtfully and she gave him a moment to think about what he was going to say. She already had hers at the front of her mind, waiting to spill out like she were preparing to plead guilty. There was few times when being truly vulnerable with Ethan had a happy ending. They’d really had no happy ending at all, but she tried not to look at it that way. 

“What are you afraid of?” she asked gently, her fingers reaching out to graze his cheek. He exhaled slowly and briefly closed his eyes before speaking. 

“You just got out of a relationship that you were secretly waiting to fall apart. How long until I’m so blinded by how much I love you that I miss you resenting me?”

He tried not to sound impassioned, but it was clear this was a recurring fear, one that held a tight grip on his thoughts. It made it that much harder for her to speak the truth in her head, knowing it wasn’t going to comfort him. 

She just had to say it and deal with the consequences. 

“What if it isn’t supposed to be so difficult? I worry that if we keep forcing ourselves together, we’re going to wake up in ten years and wonder what made us try so hard.” She suppressed a sob as soon as she had begun speaking, she hated the way her words sounded out loud. She hated playing what if with her own life. With his. 

Her lashes were already heavy with tears but she refused to distract from their discussion. “I can’t picture myself ever falling out of love with you. I’m just so scared I don’t know myself like I used to. I might be the kind of person who hurts people.” 

Ethan reached out to her, pulling her towards his chest where he held onto her tightly. She could think of nothing worse than going back to her apartment without the comfort of his arms. The idea felt like a betrayal to her own emotions, but she couldn’t be irrational. She had been independent for so long, even in a relationship, and she knew she would survive anything. 

It just never felt that way. 

“You save people, you help them mend. You’re more than someone else’s pain.” He sounded almost desperate for her to hear what he was saying, but she had seen the repercussions of her decisions in the past few years. 

“Why fight for me now, when so much has changed? What makes you think I’m worth it?” 

She pulled back from his embrace and waited for him to answer her. His face changed from sympathetic and understanding, emotions they practiced habitually in their work. Suddenly he was more determined, faced with the entanglement of his own feelings and rationale. 

“I used to love all of the details I knew about you that nobody else knew. I loved everything from your passion for people to the way you drew patterns across my back when we laid in bed. I have discovered in the past 48 hours that I love everything I have yet to discover about you, and I want to know all of it. When I picture you in the future, I see you doing every single thing you love. You’re never going to need me for that, I know this as a fact.”

She wondered if anyone was ever going to believe in her like that, if she deserved it at all. But Ethan was never the person to shy away from the brutal truth, not when it came to what he loved most; medicine. She couldn’t see anything concrete in her future, it all felt so distant. There was no denying she was already getting older, but their field put them in unusual circumstances sometimes. Nothing was ever linear, there was no track to follow. 

“I don’t have to need you, to want you this badly.” The underlying sensuality in her tone was unintentional, but that did nothing to prevent his heartbeat from quickening against the palm she had pressed against his chest. 

“I don’t believe you.” Was that a dare? She got off the couch, noticing the flash of confusion of Ethan’s face as she had pulled away. 

She faced him, leaning into him for a kiss before climbing into his lap, her knees on either side of his thighs. She kissed him again, slightly deeper, and he responded by shifting lower into the couch, pulling her closer to him. It was like a reflex to grind her hips into his lap and moan at the heat between them. His hands found the small of her back and she knew she would never get enough of his touch on her skin.  

He pressed his lips against her jaw, moving down her neck and sucking gently at her throat. She felt his teeth part against the tender area and just before he could do anymore damage, she pulled back. She couldn’t show up to work with a scarf in May. 

“Ethan?” 

“Yes?”

He looked unfocused, rubbing her thighs and looking from her eyes to her lips. Some of the buttons of the shirt she wore had come undone, his shirt, and when he noticed, his fingers twitched against her thighs. He wanted to touch her, he had touched her many times in the past hours. 

“I’m never going to need you,” she mumbled against his lips, applying more pressure to their kiss and letting her teeth graze his lower lip. His body seemed to hum in response but there was a space between their hips that he wanted to close. She had a different idea. 

“I’m never,” she purred smoothly, pulling a hand away from him and slipping between her skin and the thin material of her underwear, “going to need you.” 

Ethan reached for her hips, gripping them so tightly that her head fell back in response to the pain. She pushed two fingers into herself, hyper aware of how attentively he watched her face change with every curl of her fingers. 

“But do you want me?” 

She nodded, a small smile on her lips as she let him kiss her again. She removed her hand from between legs and Ethan grabbed her wrist, pulling her fingers to his lips. She held her breath, eyes locked with his as his mouth enveloped the two fingers she had used to pleasure herself. His tongue seared her finger tips and she pushed them further into his mouth, amused by how his body remained completely still. 

“I want you, Ethan,” she said aloud. He lifted her up from his lap, turning his body and laying her against the couch. His whole body pressed against hers, the pressure nothing like the fear of time that had weighed her down earlier. 

He unbuttoned his pants, removing the physical barrier between him and then her underwear was tossed far enough that she would struggle to find them later. What Ethan could do with his hips soon left her legs shaking so fiercely that he had to hold them still. The couch was the last place they hadn’t had sex that weekend, and they weren’t going to leave it until they knew its strength was properly tested. She hoped it was as expensive as it looked. 

The feeling of him inside of her was a convincing reason alone to never leave his place. But nothing could last forever, and eventually the time came that she had to leave so he could find some rest before work in the morning. 

They were both dressed, back on the couch, laying on their sides. Her back was pressed against the front of his body, his arm holding her waist to him. She could have fallen asleep like that. 

“I don’t want to leave,” she said quietly, hating the way it sounded out loud let alone in her head. It sounded like she was pleading for him to ask her to stay, but she wasn’t delusional. 

She hated being an adult. If their lives had been different and she could have gone to college with him, she would have convinced him to take off a week just to memorize the lines of her thighs. But that’s not how doctors spent their time, instead they chose to heal, cut and study. And they loved it. 

Valentine wasn’t sure everyone could have multiple great loves, and medicine was first for them both. Could they be lucky enough to have each other as well? Not much in her life gave her the hope to believe that. She wanted the last two days to be proof of something, she just didn’t know what. 

Would the passion last? Would they wind up hating each other one day? There was no formula or calculation that gave them those answers. 

“I never want to hold you back,” he began. “I’m terrified of disappointing you.” He held her tighter, burying his face in her hair and breathing her in. 

“I feel so stupid,” she cried, “I wanted a sign, a spark of something to tell me we wouldn’t hurt each other again. I wanted to know if we deserved this.” 

“Some love isn’t this complicated” he assured her. “You still have time, even if it feels like it’s running out. You don’t need me.”

“I wish I did.” 

His words didn’t mean the same thing as they had before, not when they suddenly meant goodbye. She wanted to need him so that they could not leave each other, an unbreakable promise, a vow. To need him so badly that her body couldn’t walk out the door like there was a force stronger than love keeping her inside. She wished magic existed, to tie him to her and contain the overflow of absolute ecstasy that felt wasted when they were apart. 

Ethan was a realist, and she was of sound mind, maybe even practical. She did not believe in magic and invisible forces in door frames. But she did believe that as Ethan Ramsey broke her heart on an overpriced couch, the power of loss and despair was not mutual with having a grasp on reality. 

She felt like a ghost, gathering everything she had with her in the apartment so solemnly that Ethan could barely look at her. There used to be a time where she would leave his apartment feeling like the sun shone entirely for her, always in her favour. Having Ethan in her life felt like a small miracle that most of her coworkers searched for every single day in medicine. 

The quicker she left, the sooner she could cry in a way that Ethan would only hurt seeing. She needed to get it out of her body, every ounce of sadness that overtook her. She couldn’t bring it to work, it was dangerous and there was no time for it. 

She had to adapt and move on, just like she had before. But maybe better that time around. She chose this, after all. 

He hugged her by the door, squeezing her tightly until her body was almost numb. When he let her go she swore she felt like half a person, ripped from someone meant to be sown to her side. It didn’t feel right, but she let him open the door anyways. 

“Goodnight, Dr. Valentine. I’ll see you around.” He clenched his teeth, his cheeks hollowing out against the tension in his mouth. He stared into her eyes even as the door began to slowly close, and neither one of them could look away. 

Her legs had no more strength to offer, she could feel her knees buckle and she couldn’t linger any longer. She finally turned away and the door shut with a click, leaving her utterly alone in a bland, sanitized hallway. Her feet carried her to the elevator but her cheeks were already wet with tears. 

The tears started as a trickle and then streamed freely down her face until she could taste them on her lips. 

The chime of the elevator rang through her entire body like a physical force, halting her thoughts with a trance-like effect. She felt the weight of her purse in her hand become incredibly heavy, pulling her to the floor. The elevator doors opened, revealing a completely empty lobby, so quiet that the silence sounded off like static. 

She felt paralyzed, swaying slightly as she demanded her body to take a step out into the lobby. She could make it home by midnight and get a few hours of sleep before she was on call. A home where nobody knew what she had gained and lost in two nights. Then back to a hospital where her sorrow was the most minuscule example of suffering and loss. It was meaningless, all of it, because as soon as she left the building, everything that had tied her to Ethan Ramsey was reduced to memories. 

There was no proof they had loved each other so intensely, no one to tell their story. 

This isn’t how it’s supposed to end, she thought to herself. They had searched for serendipity in the past, a sign they were meant to be along. But then the elevator chimed again, and the moment the doors began to close her back inside; her phone rang.

With shaking hands she lifted the phone to her ear and watched the lobby become a sliver between two doors. 

“I can’t watch you leave again,” he said quietly through the phone, desperation clear in his voice. 

“I can’t keep doing this, Ethan.” She wiped her eyes and tried to steady her hand, worried she was about to drop the phone. “It hurts more every single time.” 

“I’d rather wake up to you in ten years knowing I tried too hard than waking up alone knowing I never tried at all. I don’t need a sign, I just need to fight for you, for once. Do you think you could let me fight for you?” 

Her head was spinning, she swayed to the left and quickly put out a hand to the wall to steady herself. She took a deep breath and turned around, facing a mirror in which her appearance stared her down. 

She looked exhausted, her face swollen from crying and her hair a disaster from their intimacy on the couch. Her whole body vibrated with the intensity of her feelings and she was face to face with the misery in her entire demeanour. Was she doing this to herself? 

She took a deep breath and turned back, pushing a button and sighing in defeat. She couldn’t be the one inflicting her own pain anymore, she wouldn’t. What did she really have to lose anymore? 

“I do, Ethan. I’ll let you fight for me this time.”

Note: Some of this sounds so ridiculous but the sad part is this is how dramatic so many encounters with my ex used to be like. Just the level of intensity and the weight of walking away with no certainty. Yesterday I noticed that the last silver chain bracelet my ex gave me to wasn’t on my wrist anymore. I’m extremely sentimental and it hasn’t come off my wrist in three years until now. I can’t believe it’s gone? You can probably tell how tired I am. I also didn’t save this twice, and had to rewrite really long parts so this took forever to finish. This isn’t my best work but... oh well. 

Tagging: @ethandaddyramsey @binny1985 @openheart12 @bellcat2010 @edith-eggs1 @missmiimiie @queenofspades6 @schnitzelbutterfingers @longneckramsey @queencarb @kaavyaethanramsey @ethxnrxmsey @jooous @blazerina @choices-lurker @itsgoingnuts @lilyvalentine @aworldoffandoms @choices-love-affair @nooruleman @mkamra2355 @whimsicalreader 

[alj4890]

Choices September Challenge

Day 25 Image

(Thomas Hunt x OC*Amanda) in a Choices Red Carpet Diaries Drabble

A/N Not a part of any of my AU's for this particular pair, yet I thought the idea for this seemed to match them, LOL. Plus I love seeing Thomas give in to love and romance. And I've been holding on to the above photo for a prompt like this.

@choicesseptemberchallenge20​ @xjustin-ethansgirliex @lovealexhunt@lxaah11   @alleksa16   @penguininapinktuxedo   @blackcoffee85   @stopforamoment     @hopelessromantic1352     @krsnlove     @annekebbphotography        @hopelessromantic1352   . @sunflowergirl05   @desireepow-1986  @greywitchyshots   @moodyvalentinestories  @emceesynonymroll   @my-heart-beats-for-ya @aworldoffandoms   @ab1901          @flyawayboo   @i-bloody-love-drake-walker   . @trappedinfandoms   @kate-mckenzie

Masterlist

Proof

"I don't understand." Amanda's brow furrowed. "I thought you wanted us to keep out of the press until we knew how we felt about one another."

"That was only part of it." Thomas pulled her closer in his embrace. "I knew from the moment we met how deep my feelings for you would be." His lips grazed hers. "But since I haven't been in a serious relationship in years, the paparazzi will never allow us to step out the door without hounding us to death."

"And that's why you won't go as my date?" Amanda eased out of his arms.

"I think they suspect that there is something more here than mere friendship." He replied. "If I show up at the gala with you, that will all but confirm our relationship."

Amanda stepped back to sit in a chair. "I see."

Thomas sat on the couch, watching her warily. Something about her tone and expression had him concerned.

"You don't know how articles, interviews, and pictures can play havoc with a couple, much less when the two live in different countries."

Amanda folded her arms, keeping her eyes adverted. "Trust me. I do know the power of the press."

He relaxed somewhat. "Then you aren't upset."

Her lips parted to say her usual no. Then it struck her that she shouldn't downplay her feelings about this. If what they had was what she suspected, then she needed to be upfront with him.

"Actually, I am upset." Her eyes lifted to his. "I don't care about the press taking pictures of us. I'm happy being with you."

He reached for her hand. "I'm happy with you too. But having our relationship under a microscope will be difficult." He laced his fingers with hers. "If I am captured not smiling like a fool each time we are caught out together, then they will start the stories that there is trouble between us. If you are seen at court speaking with another man, then they'll say I've been replaced. It will become ridiculous."

"I can ignore them." Amanda argued. "I would think that you could too."

His eyes narrowed. "I do ignore them on a regular basis."

"Not if you are afraid to be accused of having a romantic relationship with me." She yanked her hand away. "I thought there was something..." She took a deep breath. "I thought we were moving forward to deeper emotions."

Thomas rose off the couch to pace. He knew he was in love with her. He had actually planned on this particular visit to tell her what was in his heart.

But to put all this out there...reveal the vulnerability she had caused in him to the world...he didn't want to risk losing her.

Hadn't he seen through the years how the press had a hand in destroying marriages and relationships within the film industry with nothing more than a few photos and suspicious headlines?

"Amanda, I--"

She waited for him to say something to prove to her that there was something here, that she hadn’t been fooling herself these last few months.

When he continued to struggle with the words, she pushed herself out of the chair.

"Right then." She smoothed her skirt down. "I have a plane to catch if I am to arrive in Nappa in time." She gathered her purse and coat. "I promised Rashad that I would help him with the speech he has to deliver tomorrow night."

Thomas took a step forward. "How long will you be gone?"

She shrugged. "I thought I would be gone just the weekend." She avoided looking at him. "I don't know when I will be back in Los Angeles now."

His eyes widened. "What do you mean?"

"I mean that I need time to think." Amanda looked up to see how he was taking her decision. "I don't like being kept a secret as if you are either afraid of someone finding out you are no longer single or that you are ashamed of me."

"That's preposterous!" He snapped. "You know you are the only one I have been dating since the night we met. Those that I am closest to know we are together. Why would you--"

"I want us to have a future." She interrupted.

Her voice cracked on the word future. She closed her eyes briefly before trying to speak calmly once more.

"That includes not hiding that from the world." She pressed a kiss to his cheek. "Goodbye, Thomas."

Before he could respond, she walked out of his home and possibly out of his life.

****************

Later that night...

"I thought you were bringing Amanda with you." Addison stood on tiptoes to look around the crowded party.

"She needed to leave earlier than she expected." Thomas grumbled.

"I thought you were planning on going with her." Holly pointed out.

"Er, no." He tried to get away from their questions. "We decided I should remain behind."

"Why?" Addison persisted.

He ordered a drink and pretended he hadn't heard her question.

"Why?" She repeated. "Didn't she want you to be her date for the ball?"

He downed his drink, motioning for a refill. "Yes."

"Then why are you here?" Holly prodded. "Are you planning on flying out tomorrow?"

"No." He winced at the burning gulp he took.

Addison and Holly shared a look.

"Did you...did you break up?"

His silence caused alarm.

"No!" Addison gripped his arm, forcing him to acknowledge her. "You two aren't through, are you?"

"I--" he finished his drink, slamming the glass down. "She said she needed time to think."

"About what?" Holly snapped. "You two were perfectly happy at dinner the other night."

He tried to shake off Addison's tenacious grip. "This does not concern you."

"On the contrary." Holly grabbed ahold of his other arm. "We care about you and her."

The lid on his temper was being held by a mere thread. "It is a ridiculous difference of opinion." He wrenched his arms free. "Nothing more."

"Difference of opinion about what exactly?" Holly and Addison dogged his steps.

He knew they would follow him the rest of the night if he didn't tell them. Finding an empty room, he motioned them inside.

Once the door was closed, he explained the issue.

"Wait a minute." Addison held up her hands. "You're afraid of the press?" Her tone hardened. "Are you insane?!"

He glared silently at her.

Holly observed him closely. "You love her, don't you." She took her glasses off to tap against her chin while she tilted her head in thought. The revelation grew clearer. "And that is what scares you."

"I--" he sputtered. "That's beside the--you--"

"Get over yourself!" Addison snapped. "Who cares if the paparazzi follow you from now until you two have a household of babies? You're going to ruin this without their help in trying to maintain this idiotic image you have created of being the unfeeling director." Her eyes narrowed. “The man who needs no one.”

Thomas and Holly stared at her in stunned silence. Addison rarely lost her temper to this extent.

"I have to see the articles all the time about Matt's supposed chemistry with his latest co-star." She placed her hands on her hips. "But I know I am the one who has his heart."

Holly nodded in agreement. "Same for me with Ryan. Nothing makes me happier than seeing him in interviews proclaim that I'm the only one for him." She focused on Thomas. "Don't you think it's time you revealed to Amanda and the world that you love her?"

He rubbed his hands down his face.

He knew he was going to have to make a grand gesture to fix this.

*****************

The next day, Napa Valley, William Sloan's home...

"I could always call on one of men I work with to be your escort for the ball." Rashad offered. "There's even a few coming in from New York that you might like to meet."

Amanda shook her head. "I appreciate that, but I am fine going on my own."

Hana's concerned expression became even more pronounced. "Is there anything we can do?"

Amanda forced a pleasant smile. "I could use some help choosing which dress to wear."

"I can do that." Hana watched their friend disappear into her room.

She waited until the door closed before turning to Rashad. "Should we intervene?"

"I wouldn't know where to start." He grimaced. "You know how bad I am with this sort of thing."

She looped her arms around his neck. "You are wonderful with relationships."

He smiled at her. "Only when it involves you, Hana." He pressed a sweet kiss to her lips. "There is a CEO from New York that might be a good match for Amanda. He plans on coming out tonight."

"Then we will introduce them to each other." Hana decided. "That way there isn't any pressure on either of them."

Amanda stepped out in a black ballgown and gave a brief twirl. "Here's the first one I brought."

Hana turned her attention to helping the duchess look her absolute best for the ball.

She was determined to see her friend happy by the end of this evening. She secretly hoped though that Thomas would end up surprising them all by showing up at the last minute. With a heartfelt sigh, she made comments about the next dress Amanda modeled for her.

**************

An hour before the ball...

Amanda chewed on her lip as she reread the strange text she had received from Thomas.

Please meet me at Wilson's Diner.

She quickly sent a reply.

Why? I have a ball to get to.

Her eyebrows lifted when he immediately replied.

There is something I need to say.

She hesitated.

What is it you wish to say?

Something I should have said a long time ago.

"Thomas." She mumbled, completely frustrated with the man. Cursing herself the entire time, she quickly texted back that she would be there in a few minutes.

************

Wilson's Diner...

Though she felt ridiculous stepping into the causal establishment in a ballgown, Amanda paused in the doorway, trying to see where Thomas was seated.

A waitress approached her with a smile. "You must be the one the guy sitting in the back is waiting on."

She led her to his table.

Amanda stopped in her tracks when she saw Thomas sitting there in a tuxedo. He had a bouquet of flowers and had somehow managed to have a heart box of candy in the middle of September.

He slid out of the booth and took her in his arms.

Before she could utter a word, he kissed her.

Amanda heard the faint clicks of cameras.

When she pulled away to see where they were coming from, Thomas stopped her with his words.

"I'm in love with you, Amanda."

Her lips parted, eyes searching his. "You are?"

He kissed her again, causing the sound of more clicks to occur.

"You make it impossible to not fall in love." He said softly.

She smiled against his lips. "I'm in love with you too, Thomas."

He stepped back to hand her the flowers and candy.

"May I take you to the ball?" He asked.

"I would like that." She breathed in the sweet smell of the her roses.

Thomas slipped his arm around her and addressed the patrons of the diner. "If you want more for your story, we will be attending the charity ball Sloan Industries is hosting."

The majority of patrons clicked one last photo before hurrying out to get to the venue.

"You purposely had the press here?" Amanda asked.

"I did." He led her out to a waiting car.

She stopped him when he opened the door for her. "You didn't have to do that." She lowered her head. "I would never ask you to do something like that when I know how much you value your privacy."

He propped his arm on the roof of the car. "Then what did you need to think about?"

She blew a frustrated breath. "If I could be alright with hiding my feelings for you while out in public."

"And could you?" Thomas gently cupped her chin, urging her to meet his steady gaze.

"Maybe. A little longer perhaps." Amanda shrugged once more. "But the way things have progressed between us the last few months, I don't think I could continue like this."

Thomas took her flowers and candy, setting them down in the car, then pulled her back into his arms.

"I don't want to lose you." He admitted. "The thought of that happening along with the press either having a hand in it or reminding me of my failure in making you happy..." He touched his forehead to hers. "...that is why I tried to avoid their finding out about us."

She met his lips in a tender kiss.

He reluctantly pulled away. "We're going to be late."

Her frustrated groan brought a smile to his face.

"I want to show you off." Thomas whispered, as his lips skimmed her neck.

"If you insist." Amanda slipped out of his embrace and sat down in the car.

He followed after her, gave instructions to their driver, then raised the privacy barrier.

"Thomas?"

"Yes?" He lifted her hand to his lips.

"I can't wait to show you off either."

[ourneverendingpossibilities]

Oh, I’m happy we finally meet Again

Anime: Kuroko no Basuke Pairing: Kasamatsu Yukio x Reader Rating: K+ A/N: I wanted to write this yesterday, but i fell asleep after work LOL. oops.. So I found time to write it before i fell asleep again . Hope you guys like this one too C:

_________________________

You had zero intention of attending the practice match against Kaijou.

Kise was begging you to attend, wanting his sister to be his biggest fan... Yet you kept denying him, coming up with excuses for why you couldn't attend.

It was too far. You had a test to study for. Mom was busy so she couldn't drive you... 

And yet, despite all the trouble you went through to tell him 'NO'... You found yourself at Kaijou's front entrance, staring with widened hues.. No wonder Ryouta wanted to attend this school.. It was definitely bigger than Seirin… The grounds themselves had their own aura, and you found yourself to be slightly intimidated as you stepped foot on their grounds. Truthfully, you only had Kagami's map to go by, and boy did it suck.

But you somehow managed to understand his scribbles, along with the loud screams of your brother's name... You let out a loud sigh... Right... your brother was famous.. Some days you forgot how popular he was, mostly because people seem to forget you exist. During Teiko, you weren't followed or hounded by any of his fangirls, despite being around the Generation of Miracles.. They'd speak with Momoi, but yet... it was as if you were invisible...

'Like Tetsu-kun..' You muse, a gentle smile on your lips. 

Your feet carried you towards the sounds, the pheromones from the men filled the air. There were girls screaming and cluttering around the gym doors... Oh man.. How in the world could you sneak in now? You frown, getting down on your hands and knees, and crawl under their legs, growling when a few of the girls' legs trapped you. You should've just stayed home...

You managed to get through the sea of women, sneaking between a couple of guys who were on Kaijou's team... Oh... so their practice match was during their regular practice? You hum quietly, golden hues scanning the crowd... Your brother is there, taking on Kagami once more... but you hear a stern voice... and it sends shivers down your spine.. In that moment, your golden eyes widen, lips part in shock as they land on the very same boy you met in the guitar shop a few weeks ago...

The same raven hair... Those same piercing steel-blue hues... His handsome scowl... You blink then, a soft frown on your lips... 

"Handsome? Since when do I consider Kasamatsu-senpai handsome?"

Sure, since that day you thought about him a lot... How he would be Kise's senpai... You had an inkling suspicion he played basketball, from seeing his muscles that day.. But your suspicions were confirmed the day Ryouta complained about his new captain... You smile at that memory, watching the match with a renewed interest.

________________________________

"I hate my new captain _____-cchi!"

You roll your eyes, laying down on your bed as you attempt to study. It's the first week in, and already you were loaded with homework, a frown on your lips. Your brother came home for the weekend, barging into your room as always and laid beside you, crocodile tears in his eyes.

"What did he do this time? Tell you, you were too pretty to play basketball?"

He pouts, resting his face on your arm, ignoring your squirming.

"He was talking down to me!! Saying I should respect them because they've been playing basketball longer than me... That it doesn't matter if I'm a Generation of Miracle..."

You pause your writing, turning your gaze to meet his, watching the emotions flicker in his eyes.. He seems to be in a daze, as if contemplating the last sentence.. He looks at you then, and the room is silent for a few moments, before you sigh softly, resting your pen on the blanket before gently rubbing your brother's hair.

"So he treats you like a regular person instead of a famous one? Isn't that a good thing ?"

His mouth opens a little, as if wanting to retort. But he immediately shuts it, rolling onto his side fully and curling up with you.. As if you were children going down for a nap, you smile.

"Truthfully, I don't know..." he admits, sighing softly. "I was really angry when it first happened... But as the days go by..." he stops, as if playing the words in his mind. He then meets your gaze, an unknown emotion swirling in those golden hues. "I find that 'Kise of Kaijou' has a nice ring to it."

Your eyes widen at his words, before they close and a soft smile curls on your lips.

"Well then... I'm looking forward to seeing how you grow... Ryo-chan."

You don't see the way his eyes widen, or how they sparkle with happiness at your words.. Instead, you're left to fend off your brother, who smothers you in loving hugs and kisses on the cheek, until the two of you land on the floor, and he has a bump on his head from being smacked.

________________________________

Now... seeing how he plays with his team, even if there's still tension amongst them, makes your interest in basketball come to life.. If only a little. It helps that not only Kasamatsu plays.. But he's the captain of the team.

Meaning, he's the one who spoke those words to your brother...

You'd been in a daze for so long, you failed to hear the whistle blow, signalling the end of the match.. causing your eyes to widen in shock...

"Oh shoot! I have to find Tetsu-kun!"

With that, you sneak back into the crowd, mumbling apologies as you flee the gym.. Not realizing a certain captain caught your movements, watching your back as you run.

"W...What's she doing here?"

__________________________________

In your haste to escape the madness, you find yourself lost. You're not sure what part of the school grounds you're on, but it's somewhere behind the gym.. You bite your lip, rubbing the back of your head as you contemplate your options.... You could always text Kise, and see if he can find you... But you didn't want him knowing you showed up after all.. 

"He'd be embarrassed if he learned I saw him lose..."

"....I...It really is you..."

Your eyes widen at the voice, slightly out of breath. It's then you turn your head, stunned to find an out of breath Kasamatsu standing a few meters from you.. He was no longer in his jersey, but rather a blue tank top, accompanied with black shorts.. The high-length socks still covered his legs, but your eyes stayed on his face, the shock from seeing him being replaced with a smile...

"It's really you as well... Kasamatsu-senpai.."

He finds himself able to catch his breath, though he is a bit stunned at your appearance.. He finds a small frown curling on his lips when he notices the uniform you're wearing... Ah...

"So... you chose Seirin?"

You stand tall then, scratching the back of your head nervously. A sheepish smile curls on your lips, trying not to keep your hopes up upon hearing the slight disappointment in his voice.

"Y...Yeah.." you whisper, looking at your shoes for a brief moment, "S...Sorry to disappoint you, senpai."

He blinks, a frown curling on his lips at your words..

"Tch… W..Why would I be disappointed, idiot...?"

His words cause you to meet his gaze, though he avoids looking at you, cheeks reddening at his small outburst... He hadn't meant to call you an 'idiot'... but your words made him bristle.. And it slipped out because in that moment, he forgot you were a girl.

"I...I mean...." he starts, watching your eyes meet his, before growling in annoyance.. He rubs the front of his face, resting his hand over his mouth before shifting his eyes to look at the ground...

"I..I told you.. D..Do what's best for you..." he mumbles, feeling at a complete loss..

Seeing him in a vulnerable position is new.. Something you found yourself cherishing... He's not the same person you met back in the guitar shop... And yet, you find yourself enchanted... Wanting to see every side to this person standing in front of you... 

Your lips curl in a smile then, before a small giggle leaves your lips..

"You're an interesting person, Kasamatsu-senpai..."

He finds himself glaring at you a little, though it's diminished by the redness of his cheeks...

"S....Shut up... brat..."

His ears are ringing from your laughter.

The sound of your phone buzzing startles you from your company, and you look at the message, eyes widening.. 

"Ah... That's my mom! She's here to pick me up!"

He blinks then, standing up to full height, "That reminds me... What were you doing here ____?"

Your eyes meet his, and you fidget slightly, "I... I was here to give Kuroko something... Kagami gave me a map last minute, so I was able to watch the game... But I think my team has already left..." you laugh, trying to hide your nervousness. "So I had to text my mom to get her to pick me up...."

He nods, looking around casually. "I...If you need help, I can walk you to the front entrance... " he speaks, a slight stutter hidden within his cool voice. You find your eyes widen slightly, before they soften.

"...O...Only if senpai wants to..."

He rolls his eyes, walking towards you and gently bumps your head, before nodding his head, "It's not a problem, _____. I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to... Now let's go.. Don't want to keep your mom waiting..."

You nod eagerly, falling into step with him. A small part of you wanted to spend a little bit longer with him.. Even if it was just walking together... Your gaze goes towards the captain, tracing the angles of his face, finding your gaze land on his eyes the longest.. Ah.. From the first encounter, you always found yourself engrossed with the colour of his eyes.. There was something about them.. 

It was during that moment, where you were caught up in your thoughts, Kasamatsu turns his gaze towards you, finding himself surprised at your stare.. He tries not to tremble, because he's never been good around girls.. But the doe-like expression you held reminded him of someone else... Yet at the same time, you resembled a curious puppy.. He finds it hard not to look away, because every part of his body is screaming to do so.. And yet, he's unable to look away... 

At least until the sound of a horn blares through the silence.

He takes that moment to look away, coughing into his hand as he attempts to regain composure.. He notices movement, and turns his head, eyes wide when you are typing something into his phone... W..Wait...

When the hell did you get that?!

He feels it being placed back in his hand, and he watches you beneath blue eyes... 

"I...IF you want to h..hang out... or just talk... Y...You can text me!"

When he blinks, you're already running away, waving your hand frantically. Despite knowing you've already driven away in your mom's car, Kasamatsu is left standing there like an idiot. He doesn't understand what just happened, but one thing is certain...

His heart won't stop racing...

[purplesurveys]

926

Significant other/crush survey

–CURRENT–

Something that you have in common: We’re working towards getting to pretty much the same industry, we’re both competitive as fuck and hate losing, we love dogs though she’s way better at disciplining them, and we love our coffee.

Are they a friend or just an acquaintance? She’s already my girlfriend. But she’s also my best friend.

Do you make an effort to talk to them or wait for them to talk to you? It works both ways, but generally I’m more talkative and I like sharing stories so I initiate conversations more often. Sometimes it can be annoying when I feel like she never starts a convo first, but I’ve come to understand that she’s not really the texting/IM-ing type.

What happens when you make eye contact? I mean, we’re always making eye contact lol but if we do it accidentally, we usually give each other a smile.

How often to you get to see this person? I used to see her 2-3 times a week when we were still in school since I drove and it was easy to see her whenever I wanted and could. Now that we’re maneuvering ~employment~ and ~being an adult~ in the middle of Covid, we haven’t figured out our arrangement yet and how often we could see each other. At the moment, it’s 1-2 times a month.

What bothers you the most about this person? She can get a little selfish and fail to consider my emotions and vulnerability if a situation personally doesn’t bother her. I’ve asked her to work on it and I’ve seen progress here and there, but when it comes down to it she simply tends to be individualistic and likes to look out for herself. Those are not bad things per se, it’s just that they sometimes end up affecting me.

Who is usually the first to flirt? She is, but that’s saying a lot as we aren’t too much of the flirting type. Maybe flirt is the wrong word...I’d say she’s the first to act cheekily. 

–MEMORIES–

How, when, and where did you meet? i’ve known her for the last 18 years but did not formally meet her until 2011. She had a friend, I had a friend, and those friends were friends so they introduced us to each other and it turned out that it was the two of us who hit it off really well and it was the quickest I’ve gained a best frend. We had attended the same school since kindergarten and we became friends when we became classmates for the first time in 7th grade.

What did you first talk about? I have no idea what our first encounter covered anymore, but I can tell you that what gave me the sign that she was going to be my best friend was when she watched Johnny English Reborn one weekend and came back to school the next Monday a complete fangirl for Gillian Anderson. As someone who was in my own fandoms that time I needed someone with the same energy and humor, and she showed up at exactly the right moment.

What is the best thing they have done for you? Saved my life. Literally. I’ve had more lows than highs and she saw them all through with me every single time, whether it was being by my side when I needed to cry in my car for a whole evening or helping me make a Powerpoint presentation due the next day when my entire group was not helping me. 

When was the last time you saw them? The other day.

Last thing you said to them? I apologized for the late reply and explained that I was having dinner.

Last thing they said to you? She just replied to that ^ saying not to worry.

What originally caught your eye? I started finding her really pretty in junior year and loved that her mind was always racing with thoughts to share and stories to tell me. I can’t exactly pinpoint the moment when I started *liking* her though; it happened all so very suddenly.

What was your first impression? When I first met her 9 years ago I could hardly believe she’d want to meet me and eat lunch with me and stuff because she was a popular girl, very well-liked and got along with everybody; I was virtually unknown throughout grade school and never had friendships that lasted. It was very weird to suddenly be talking to her since she just seemed way out of my league but when I realized she’s just as weird and nerdy and goofy as I was and not at all like the mean popular girls we had, I immediately took a liking to her.

What was their first impression of you? No clue and she’d probably have no clue either even if you asked her. She’s very forgetful.

Were you ever previously involved with them? Yeah we went out in 2014 but broke up then got back together.

What is your most memorable moment with this person? I have so many. I can probably give you one for each year that we’ve been friends/girlfriends. Off the top of my head, I’d go with the fact that my first out-of-town trip alone was with her, when we celebrated my 20th birthday in Nasugbu and Tagaytay.

–IN YOUR OPINION–

What is their best physical feature? I’d say her smile is my favorite, but I love so many features of her too like her eyes, dimples, hair, and the fact that I can squeeze her arms any time I want as she has a bit of chub :)

Personality trait? She cares so deeply about the people who mean a lot to her and would be very protective of them. Also, she’s super ambitious and isn’t one to shy away from a new or daring task.

Describe this person in three words: Hates to lose.

What are they like in comparison to your last crush? The closest thing I have to a ‘last crush’ is Andi, but tbh I didn’t develop much of a relationship with her since she migrated just a year after we became friends. I can hardly remember the conversations we had either...personality-wise, I’d say Andi’s a little aloof (at least back then) and shy; she avoided me when we first encountered each other. Gab’s amiable and will be nice to everyone immediately.

What are they like in comparison to the last person you dated? The last two relationships I’ve had were/are with Gab, and I wasn’t seeing anyone before her.

On a scale of 1 to 10 (Physical Appearance): 38

On a scale of 1 to 10 How much do you like them? 50

On a scale of 1 to 10 How much do you think they like you? Hahaha I hope it’s a 10.

–THE FACTS–

How much older/younger are they than you? She’s younger by like a month and a half. Really no difference at all.

How much taller/shorter are they than you? She’s a few centimeters taller, not a dramatic difference but enough for it to be noticeable.

Where are they from? She’s from the same city but we live on opposite ends, so it takes around 30-45 minutes to get to her place depending on how fast I’m driving ha. 

What do they look like? She’s around 5′3″, the prettiest wavy hair, big eyes, chubby cheeks, and she got a bit of West Asian genes due to her Turkish blood. 9 out of 10 times she gets asked if she’s Indian.

Describe their smile: It’s very warm and friendly. I automatically smile when I see it.

What about their friends? Her friends and I have different personalities so we don’t get to hang much, but Kris and Marts are very nice and have always been to me.

Is this person talented/skilled? Very. Not being biased but I’ve noticed that she’s ended up being skilled enough at anything she tries, whether it’s singing, playing a sport, handling a balisong, etc. She’s good at everything and it makes me kinda annoyed sometimes hahaha, because I’m so clumsy and only good at like three things.

Popular/well-known? S u p e r. She will light up any room she enters and people just naturally flock to her. She’s very sociable and knows how to handle all kinds of people and make them feel at ease. I’m the complete antithesis of her lol. 

What school do they go to? We went to the same school from kindergarten to high school, then for university she went to a school a couple of cities away from mine.

What kind of car do they drive? I can’t remember exactly even though I just saw it the other day skskkssk it’s either a Honda Civic or a Toyota Vios.

What kind of clothes do they wear? Sometimes she’ll put her rich aunt vibes out and wear nice flowy printed dresses or blouses. But she mostly dresses casually; a graphic tee or polo shirt with high-waisted denim jeans do it for her.

When is their birthday? June 5th.

–RANDOM–

How many people do you know with their first name? Lots. It’s a common name.

What is one thing they do that you don’t like? Again, her tendency to unconsciously shut down my feelings.

–THE FUTURE–

How long do you think you’ll like this person? When I like/love a person I never think about when I hope to stop that action... as long as she doesn’t do anything that breaks my trust or hurts me beyond repair, I’m happy to stick with her.

What would you do if they asked you out right now? I’d say there’s still a curfew and we can get arrested ha, but we can try the next day.

What do you want to happen next? I just want the journey to be smooth. We’re in a different chapter now and we’re no longer just college kids with safety nets and we’ve had more frequent serious conversations about our priorities, commitment, and our relationship in the long run. Most recently we agreed that the relationship mustn’t get in the way of our personal goals, especially career-wise; and that we’ll always have each other’s support in whatever we do and achieve.

[myyeslifeofficial]

The Top Mindset Lessons I Learned as a Military Spouse

:…..

The Top Mindset Lessons I Learned as a Military Spouse

I became a military spouse at 24.

When I married my husband I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into.

I wasn’t raised around the military.

I had no idea what to expect from the lifestyle.

I just knew that I loved him and saw an incredible future with him by my side. 

My Unexpected Military Life…

But military life is hard.

Being a military spouse is hard.

Deployments, long work hours, weekend duty and all the stinking moves to new places far away from family and friends.

I could very easily get caught up on all of these challenges, the uncertainty…

…and wondering what the hell happened to to box with all the furniture hardware after the last move. (For real though, we really needed that box to reassemble everything!)

But I have learned not to.

I would say the first nine years and four duty stations as a military spouse were the most challenging. 

I created a lot of suffering for myself and my husband by fighting against the uncertainty, arguing with reality, giving my emotional power to external circumstances and refusing to ask for help.

(I’m not trying to say that the challenges I experienced as a military spouse are unique. It just seems that military life amplifies the challenge and uncertainties, often making them more frequent than civilian life).

Gave Me Unexpected Gifts.

Little did I know that through the greatest of struggles, I would also be blessed with the greatest of gifts.

Because I was open to learning, exploration, and growth through the challenge, I was able to learn these four mindset lessons as a military spouse: 

Surrender

Accepting What Is / Presence

How You Feel is a Choice

Asking For + Accepting Help

I realized that military spouse life gave me a crash course in figuring them out, long before many of my peers, and tons of opportunities to practice them along the way. 

Surrender

We trick ourselves into thinking that we control our lives.

We avoid uncertainty at all costs.

We think that if we can just plan for every detail, pick the safest and most secure option that we are in control and the outcome will be certain.

Thankfully, military life taught me that certainty and control are all but an illusion.

We never know when we are going to move next, let alone where it will be.

We rarely know with much advance notice when he will be deployed or on temporary duty, gone for months at a time.

So many aspects of family planning that most people take for granted are big, huge uncertainties in our lives.

Which makes planning more than a few months in advance a challenge. (We wanted to take a trip for our 15 year wedding anniversary but didn’t even feel secure enough for that…which is good because it fell during an international move!).

Which always makes you wonder if the couch you want to buy now will fit in the next place.

Which makes you question keeping the extra jackets or if you only be wearing flip flops at the next duty station. (No joke, we moved from Alaska to Arizona, thanks Air Force!).

We have always had to actively manage the uncertainty, or at least our emotions in reaction to not knowing or being in control of so many of the variables of our lives.

Even after 15 years my family still asks me if we know when we are going to move next, where we are moving, when he will be promoted to the next rank… and I always have to remind them that we just don’t know and won’t know until it happens.

But it’s from this place surrendering to radical uncertainty that I have realized just how much certainty is an illusion in life.

That secure job that you were downsized from?

That perfectly planned out career path that you ended up hating?

That perfectly healthy person who found out they have inoperable cancer?

That young mother who died in a car accident on her way home from the grocery store? 

There’s so many things in our lives that we take for granted that aren’t promised and are far from certain, no matter how much our brain tries to lie to us otherwise.

The best practice is to decide WHAT you want in life, WHY you want it and surrender the HOW.

Rarely does anything go according to plan, in the exact sequence you dream up.

But if you know what you want and why you want it you can start moving toward it and be flexible and adaptable along the way. 

Accepting What Is / Presence.

Byron Katie teaches “When I argue with reality, I lose—but only 100% of the time.”

There’s so many parts to military life that I could argue with (and did in the beginning!) only to create a ton of suffering in my mental and emotional space.

And it kept me from truly living in the present moment – I was arguing with the past and the future and all the ways I thought things should be.

We shouldn’t have to spend our first year of marriage in different countries.

Well, we did.

He was in Korea on an unaccompanied short tour and I was in the US.

We were honeymooners with a 17 hour time difference before there were so many free video and voice communication options on the internet.

It was hard, and I spent a lot of time arguing with how hard it was and how unfair it was when I saw other couples spending time together.

How dare he leave me, again, in a different continent than all my friends and family.

Well, he did, and not by choice, but because he was told to.

I was lonely. 

Yet I made it worse by resisting feeling sad and alone. 

I choose indignation and anger instead.

I was blaming him when he had absolutely no say in the decision. 

It’s not fair that I always have to give up my career aspirations to be the trailing spouse.

It seemed like every time I had a good thing going, making progress, we would get notice of another move.

Which often meant more than six months of lost wages and me feeling like an absolute loser because I wasn’t contributing and I had too much of my self-worth wrapped up in my career and job title. 

We spend so much time arguing with what is rather than accepting it.

It creates so much extra mental chaos and emotional drama.

Rarely do we argue with things that we can change or control, when the solution is to choose and control the thoughts and story we create about the circumstance.

Instead we play the victim and give away our emotional power, expecting everyone and everything outside of us to make us feel better. 

How You Feel is a Choice.

How we feel is a state of mind, not a destination.

So often I hear people say things like “I’ll be happy when…” followed by new cars, homes, jobs, relationships, income, and a whole mess of other external measures. 

Being stationed in Italy helped me realize that our emotional space has nothing to do with external circumstances.

Here we were in Europe, in the Italian countryside, where so many Americans save up often for their whole lives to visit, and fellow service members and their families were miserable.

Many of our friends we were stationed with still found plenty to complain about, would stay close to base and not adventure around Europe.

Here we were, given this incredible opportunity to see the world, and some people couldn’t even see what was right in front of them because they decided to be miserable instead.

Our emotions don’t happen to us, we choose them with the thoughts we think.

Happiness is an inside job.

This is replicated in so many research studies, where happiness isn’t correlated with income after basic subsistence level is reached.

Once people reach poverty level, happiness is no longer correlated with income.

It doesn’t matter what you achieve, what you earn, what you experience. It matters what you think and believe about those things, and the stories you make them mean.

A moment I felt the most achievement was when someone said to me “It doesn’t seem to matter where you and Jason live, you always find a way to have fun.”

I joke that if we get stationed in a few places he can have fun there without me. (I’ll leave them unnamed so as to not get hate mail from the locals LOL).

But in all reality I would follow him and we WOULD have fun.

We would be happy.

We would have a good time.

Because that’s what is important to us and we know that it’s an inside job and not contingent upon what our zip code happens to be. 

Asking For AND Accepting Help.

This was probably the hardest for me to learn…I am such an independent person.

I pride myself on being able to take care of myself.

To be the person who always gives and cares for others.

Until I found myself struggling with a once-debilitating chronic illness, my husband deployed, and being new to the base without any close friends to rely on.

I was accustomed to getting frequent headaches.

But one day I had the worst I had ever experienced, a migraine to end all migraines.

I left work after only an hour, went home and spent the next 8 hours on the bathroom floor.

Nauseated, confused, and completely disoriented.

I was too weak to know what was happening, let alone pick myself off the floor.

Luckily I had my cell phone with me.

The doggy day care place was about to close. My puppy needed to be picked up. And I was in no condition to drive.

I knew the only option I had was to ask for help. I called my neighbor, a new acquaintance, in a moment of complete vulnerability and weakness.

I told her I didn’t know what was wrong with me (because honestly in that moment I didn’t know).

She came over, picked me off the floor, got me to bed, and made sure I had what I needed before she left.

She picked my dog up, got him home, fed, and taken care of.

She checked in on me multiple times (and make sure that I didn’t need the hospital and to let the dog out).

I was embarrassed to ask, to be seen in that condition, to be perceived as weak or incapable.

But if anyone else had been in that situation I’d be the first to rush in.

I’d be happy to provide assistance and give comfort – without judgment.

To truly be good at giving, we must also be good at receiving.

To know and recognize that we all have hard moments.

To be grateful for those in the military community who are willing to help perfect strangers… 

Willing to pick us up in our most painful and weakest moments…

Knowing full well that they might need the same kindness in the future.

I will always be grateful to my neighbor, and now one of my closest friends.

She answered my call and graciously offered more help than I requested.

I now know there’s no shame in asking and receiving help, because giving is one of the very best experiences we can have.

If I fail to ask for help when I truly need it then I rob someone from being able to give with an open heart. 

Grateful for the Challenges

Now I’d even say that I’m grateful for our military life because of who I have become because of it.

I welcome each new move, each new deployment and all the uncertainty in between…

Because I know that these are the circumstances that help me grow mental excellence.

It’s not the circumstances that are the problem.

It’s my thoughts and beliefs about them, which create my emotional experience.

Now I know to check my thoughts about my circumstances.

Because that is what helps me surrender…

To accept what is…

To ask for help…

And choose how I want to feel. 

Being a military spouse isn’t easy, but I know I’m up for the challenge now.

  The post The Top Mindset Lessons I Learned as a Military Spouse appeared first on life coaching for mental excellence, mindset, accountability .

from life coaching for mental excellence, mindset, accountability https://myyeslife.com/military-spouse-mindset-lessons/

[bts-love-sweat-tears]

Change of Heart (Follower Celebration Fic #3)

Title: Change of Heart

Pairing:  Jungkook x reader

Type: shifter!au, wolf!au, angst with a happy ending, Friday Night Lights meets Teen Wolf? Idk.

Word Count: 1,894

Rating: PG    

Warnings: mentions of depression post-bad breakup, language

A/N:   The third of five for my 200 follower celebration! Requested by a lovely anon. This literally wrote itself- I think you can tell sometimes when it flows easier. It was in the notebook that I carry around so I had a fun time deciphering my own handwriting lol. I was tempted to leave it open-ended and ambiguous as I am oft to do, but anon requested happy so I hope you love it. Except for the soulmate thing, it actually has very little to do with shifters.

A/N Update: Crap there are so many typos I’m sorry. Brain and fingers while typing don’t communicate well. Working on edits now, but was excited to get it out <3 

How could you even express what Jungkook meant to you? Until now, you had always kind of taken him for granted. Being with him was like breathing. You didn’t think about it until it lost its usual ease. Clearly, you were now in the emotional equivalent of a head cold. Kook was literally the boy next door, and the two of you had been inseparable since the day his parents had dragged him along to welcome the new neighbors; apple pie still steaming in their hands.

If your parents were surprised by the small-town niceties, you couldn’t say. Kook and you had been in the midst of a stare-down, some kind of weird kindergarten dominance battle. Later in life, you would realize just how dumb it was to stare down a wolf-shifter, but at the time you hadn’t even realized what he was, let alone the finer points of inter-species etiquette. And it didn’t much matter, since had caved first, and bounded over to wrap you in a hug. Most of your childhood memories from that time were filled with warmth, whether from the hugs or the pie you couldn’t say for certain.

You thought that warmth would continue forever, and for a long time, it did. Your childhood adventures with Kook were filled with pillow forts, catching fireflies, and watching Ironman approximately ten thousand times. But then puberty hit you both like a train, and in very different ways. His shifts started, and he shot up and bulked up, while you filled out in different places, both of you mutually pimply and suddenly awkward.

Childhood warmth morphed into a flame. Pleasant in small amounts but dangerous if left unchecked. So you tried your hardest to keep a lid on your growing feelings. Jungkook had long ago explained that shifters get one mate for life, usually another shifter, so that the person wouldn’t be destroyed by the other not reciprocating their feelings. He had explained that while “mate” implied something physical, it was actually so much more than that-two halves of the same soul residing in different bodies. Not someone to fuck with, literally or metaphorically.  The way he had talked about it at the time made it seem like something far off, like college, marriage, or having kids, so the two of you worked hard in tiptoeing around what that might mean for your friendship. Instead, the two of you continued as you always had, and if his parents shot the two of you knowing looks, neither of you acknowledged it.

As high school dragged on, the two of you became busier, him with varsity football and you with drama club. Your friend groups diverged, but you both still made the time to hang out on the weekend and nerd out together, your friendship never losing that special spark.

Until he started dating a fellow wolf shifter from a nearby school. You presumed it to be serious, since shifters didn’t really date casually due to the soul bond. You were never really the jealous type, and Jungkook’s new and improved bunny smile helped you to welcome his girlfriend into your friendship.  She “got” him in ways that you never could, and not just because she was a wolf. Toned, tall, and golden, you were fairly certain that she could run both literal and metaphorical laps around you. It didn’t hurt that she was cool and genuinely gorgeous. Why even worry about competing when it was clearly impossible? And toxic?

But you would be lying if you denied the smaller, less secure part of yourself that felt jealous and displaced. Jungkook still tried to make time for your more occasional Friday night hangouts, but she kept taking up more and more of his headspace. When not actively talking about her, he was checking his phone incessantly. Maybe you were being petty, but you still wanted him to be present in your life as well.

Slowly but surely, you started staying later at theater rehearsals and investing more time into other friendships. Correspondingly, Jungkook’s text messages slowed to a trickle. The two of you still ate lunch together most days, but it had become less intense than it had once been. Occasionally, he still gave you those signature one-armed hugs that you secretly loved, his chin resting on the crown of your much lower head. Years ago, he had given you an overly vague description of pack dynamics, and the need for physical affection, which confused you now. Shouldn’t he be getting said attentions from his soulmate?A small part of you was flattered that his new relationship hadn’t completely displaced you from his pack. “Bros before….” whatever, as the expression went.

You convinced yourself it was innocent, particularly since you had started dating an equally nerdy lighting tech you had met through drama club. If his affinity for the MCU replicated someone else’s, you couldn’t say. If his penchant for video games reminded you of a childhood friend, well, everyone loved video games. Nothing to see there. If when kissing him, you envisioned someone else’s face, well you would never let on. It was never as serious as Kook’s relationship seemed to be.

Though all parties involved knew the inevitable outcome of the blossoming relationship between the two shifters, you had never actually heard Jungkook use the word “soulmate” in reference to his girlfriend. Because of books and movies, people tended to think of it as insta-love, but that wasn’t (usually) how it worked in real life. For as as much as their inner wolves guided them, they were people as well: emotions, ambitions, tics and traits as much as anyone else.  Even in the “wild” (though you often snorted at the dramatic image this conjured), there were trial periods, rituals,  and rites of passage. But from the outside, the two of them were the complementary faces of a coin, peas in a pod, tied by the strings of fate, and any other metaphor that someone wanted to use. Maybe it was one of those things Jungkook just knew,without the need to put a label on it.

Or so you thought. Clearly, you didn’t know as much about the natural world (or matters of the heart) as you had thought. Most of your knowledge you’d gleaned from NatGeo or Discovery Channel documentaries- you were a suburban kid like any other. Your knowledge of romance came from novels with Fabio or one of his five thousand lookalikes on the cover, CW shows, and your admittedly very lackluster current relationship.  When Kook had found out  he had growled slightly, and immediately tried to mask it with a cough. But you’d known him long enough to not fall for his bullshit. You were indignant though-you’d been supportive of his relationship, so why couldn’t he support yours? Sometimes, when the two of you walked down the hallway holding hands, Kook would shoot daggers with his eyes, which you would studiously ignore. But the guy was either oblivious or braver than you gave him credit for.

All these pointed looks and tension should have painted a sign for you (in neon letters) that all was NOT well in paradise, but you were working so hard to suppress what you felt for your childhood friend that it surprised you as much as anyone else when Kook’s girlfriend broke up with him. “Broke up” was giving her more than she deserved-she had simply taken off one day. Wolf shifters tended to the transient side (Kook’s family being the exception), and one day when another pack was passing through, she decided to run off with the alpha. You didn’t know if she’d found “the one” or was just flighty. And you certainly weren’t interested in the politics of the shifter world, but it didn’t take a genius to figure out the bump in status she would get from a high school kid to an established alpha. But you couldn’t spare her a second thought- your best friend was destroyed. Suddenly, the golden jock of the school was acting like one of the emo kids: dark circles from lack of sleep, appetite wrecked, small things irritating him, or at other times, complete indifference when he should have been irritated.

You didn’t know if Kook had it in him to love anyone else- maybe that part of him had left with her.  And it wasn’t particularly at the forefront of your mind, but you were genuinely worried about your friend. With the fall play winding down and winter finals fast approaching, you had extra time on your hands that you were supposed to be using to study. Instead, you spent every waking moment with Kook…and some decidedly not wakeful moments. It was around this time that your own boyfriend broke up with you, citing your emotional unavailability. You felt bad for wasting his time, but you also felt free. It was a relief, honestly, to be over and done with it.

All of the distance between you evaporated in a few weeks, if that. You watched Deadpool and Ant Man, played Overwatch, and tried to distract your friend from his heartbreak. Often, he would fall asleep, head resting on your lap, tears dripping from the corner of his eyes, even in sleep. But his parents had told you later that was the only time he was seemingly at ease enough to sleep at all.

You knew there were things unsaid, but it wasn’t the time-not when he was emotionally vulnerable. You didn’t want to feel predatory, and it was during this time, things started to fall into place for you. Your own feelings began to crystallize, and you realized that it didn’t matter in what way you had him, but that he needed to be in your life. Even if romantic love never materialized, there were other kinds of love that were just as deep and important. And you realized that you loved him, in that way too. Everything else-it was a distraction. It was thoughts like this that strengthened your resolve when things seemed particularly bleak.

Over time, everything you gave to him, he gave back tenfold. He slowly began to smile again, and sleep through the night. But the two of you continued to come and go from school together, one doing homework and waiting for the other if at practice or rehearsal. He never dated again while in high school, and you both ended up going to the local university. You for the in-state tuition breaks and well-rated course of study that you wanted, and him….well, you weren’t sure why, but if the ways his parents smirked was any indication, you might have had an inkling. After a mandatory first year spent in the dorms, the two of you got an apartment near the campus. And though neither of you were ones for lengthy confessions you had an understanding: you were soulmates in whatever way a damaged wolf shifter and human could be.  Never alone and always taking care of each other. Which was why, you were so shocked when, one average day like any other, he got down on one knee, and offered you a small velvet box, telling you that his heart was in your hands,  as it had always been and would always be.

[celiaelise]

My mom's still in Crazy Mode, and probably will be till after Christmas. And I kinda can't help but make what I feel are logical arguments and clever quips? Like I literally can't stop myself. It's like I have a physical need to show I'm unaffected.

Anyway so she started screaming stuff like, "you NEVER do a good job, you always wait till the last minute, I can't take it anymore!!" blah blah I'm a lazy selfish bitch etc. (I think the "good job" part was her misunderstanding the fact that I said "good job" to her sarcastically? Idk, she's so bad arguing.) And while she was doing this, she threw something at the wall near me, shaking (or hitting?) one of my paintings hung there, and then it (the projectile, not painting) fell to the ground where I couldn't see it from where I was sitting. So, when she finally finished her emotional tirade, and had started to storm off, I asked, calmly and curiously, with not even a hint of "wtf did you just throw something at me?!" in my voice, "what'd you throw?"

So yeah she uh. Did not respond well to that lol.

And tbh the worst part of all of it was that after she left the room, my brother was mad at me too. He doesn't really yell, but he angrily demanded to know what my problem was, and why I was being such a bitch. Like, my mom, I gave up on a decade ago, I know exactly where I stand with her. But my brother's, like, actually kinda my friend? We were super close growing up, and we never fought. He kinda idolized me at first, (it's hard to idolize your parents when they discredit each other) and later I kinda idolized our relationship, thinking of us as best friends at the lonelier times of my life. So it really sucks to know that he probably thinks I'm just as much of a crazed harpy as she is.

Like, I definitely don't think he's right. I wouldn't oppose her like this if I wasn't confident she's in she wrong. But I know it must've sucked growing up between the two of us, and I can see how he'd blame me for part of that. I guess it's true that I've never exactly prioritized keeping the peace with her. But my calm exterior probably belies the fact that I'm just doing my best to survive. Also, for all that he condescends to me and acts like a I'm a child, he seems to forget I'm not actually that much older than him. When he was an eight-year-old watching the two people he most relied on screaming at each other, I was still just an eleven-year-old getting emotionally abused by her mom. Why shouldn't I be a little frazzled after being on this ride for as long as I have?

I think that maybe, through my refusal to display any vulnerability, I managed to convince them both that I have way less feelings than I do about all this. Which kinda makes me look like an annoying kid poking bear with a stick.

And I don't think I'm better than her just because I can keep my voice level and follow the thread of a debate. But I kinda do think I'm better because I can manage not to verbally assault anyone, and can retain enough presence of mind to respond proportionally to what we're actually freaking talking about.

You know what she was mad about tonight? I'm going to the staff holiday party this weekend, and she's unsatisfied with my preparations for it thus far. She finds it unacceptable that I haven't selected an outfit yet, nor decided what to get for the gift exchange, or when and where I will shop for said gift. She's stressed out, she says. I always wait till the last minute and then I'm rushing around like a crazy person and then she has to help me, she says. My entire life is composed of failures that could have easily been prevented with better planning and organization, she says. (Only not that eloquently because, like I said, she sucks at arguing.)

There are plenty of things I have accomplished without her help, many of which she is likely not even aware of, I say. And also, this literally has nothing to do with you please leave me alone.

I'm doing all of life wrong and she's the only person in the world with the power of motherly criticism which will guide me to the path of success and frankly I should be grateful, she says. Yadda yadda, things are thrown, you know the rest from there.

Oh, it was an unopened pair of tights, by the way. The thing she threw. One of several she bought this past weekend, for me to choose from for my various holiday outfits, among several other, expensive, articles of clothing. I did not ask her to do this, of course. And now she's apparently broke, of course. She does this for literally anything she finds out about that could be considered, like, an "event". Which is why I've gotten in the habit of not letting her find out about things in general.

So, like, sue me if I refuse to be rushed into picking an outfit!? She and my brother may believe that if I do just this one thing, that's all she asks of me, not even anything hard, she wouldn't ask me to do anything difficult, she'll be satisfied, but I know the truth.

Earlier this evening, before the outfit thing? She was yelling at me for not using both my hands while eating mashed potatoes. How does one correctly utilize both hands while eating mashed potatoes, you might ask? Well, the first part's pretty straightforward. You just use your dominant hand to hold the fork and use it to lift the potatoes to your mouth. I was excelling at this half of the maneuver, if I do say so myself. But the second half, oh the second half... just as crucial but so very often forgotten! You use your other hand to hold the little styrofoam bowl encasing the mashed potatoes, to reduce any possibility of shifting or wobbling! Very, very important. If there's even a chance that small vessel might move? If you elect to rest your second hand atop a napkin in your lap??

Well, you have no table manners I'm afraid. In fact you're not even a civilized person. You might as well be a dog, you can't be allowed to eat in public, no will ever want to be around you, and you'll be doomed to live a sad and lonely life.

Thus far, I have managed to keep myself from asking, "Then what's your excuse?"

[neurodivergentchaosking]

Loving someone with NPD

It fucking sucks! I have bpd and if i was completely untreated, i would have been narcissist chow...more than i already was.

I have pretty decent intuition but it took a long time for me to actually follow it. I met (lets call her Mary) before i listened to it and created a huge blindspot that took me 6 years to fix.

We both arrived on Okinawa Island 24 hours a part, we shared a name and a birthday ( naturally my dumb ass was like OMG SOULMATE- after i stopped hating her). when i first met her, i hated her. I knew she was two-faced and i said so to her face. Few drunken weekends set that unfortunate Trauma bond in place. 

I felt so special. She's two-faced and cruel to everyone but ME. my BPD ate that shit up. she even told me that she thought i was the category of “bimbo friend” until she got to know me.....and i actually took that as a compliment and mentally lorded it over her bimbo friends. it was a disaster.                           love-bomb, cruelty, rinse, repeat.

We were just friends at first, she thought she was straight, and i thought i was a girl- neither are true. We kissed once in a drunken haze and it was absolutely terrible, so it really never happened again. you know justgirlythings. 

I was quite notorious (just because im built like a coke bottle and was put into the marine barracks and you know how boot lickers be) on the island because the Navy is just high-school 2.0. Mary never had my back through it all, she stayed friends with the people who started it and she ditched me all the time at her convenience . I was only on the island for 6 months, and right when i almost cut things off with Mary, i left on an expedited transfer (another tragic story for another tragic time). We stayed in contact via snapchat but honestly we didnt talk much.

Her bf was a bit of a loser and she was planning to leave him while planning their life together...look at that, another red flag that i took as a compliment because she left him for ME. fuck im so needy #narcissistchow. 

I made a joke about her living with me, and she just went full throttle with that shit. So we got an apartment together, twas the beginning of the end and i fucking KNEW IT. i felt it in my gut and i remember thinking...but she’s so mean sometimes... like whyyyyyy dont i just listen to me???? ug anyways

Right before we got the apartment she released my cat into the urban wilderness and he was GONE, presumed dead. Quinn, my beautiful fur-baby, a 13 lb maincoone, fucking HATED HER, and he only hated dicks. so yeah she got rid of him and blamed it on my husband (my life is complex okay). we were obviously not doing great and i didn't think about it too hard until later (even though he has never left the door open, like ever).

It started out so much fun! the adventures and stories that we created together were amazing. she made me feel like it would be like this forever. Bit short-lived.  she would insult, demean, and play fucked up mind games. Luckily for me she didn't get to feed of my pain the way she wanted because i don't exibxit vulnerable emotions (working on that), despite them eating away at me. 

Her toxicity mirrored the way i was treated as a child, so i did what i did as a child. i shut down. I stopped therapy because i was masking too hard for it be helpful. i stopped my medications because idk if they're working because I'm so disconnected. My ocd tendencies that i got rid of as a child came back. Im never not high on MJ (still am because i don't want to FEEL)

And you know why i stayed? because she made me feel special, and wanted, and even more so needed. She is so fucking insecure and i was a constant source of validation and love. we had conversations and conversations about how we were meant for one another and the future we would create together. We even talked about the children we would raise together. we talked about how it was weird that we didn't want to fuck each-other (she looks like an incest muppet lmao) but we were in a beautiful (toxic*) polyamorous asexual relationship.

i was def not perfect in the relationship. i would do so much petty shit (like i did as a child). she would make me feel shitty about something, so i would show off one of my many talents that also was one of her many insecurities. hell, i would fuck up her hair ON PURPOSE. She had this insanely long blue hair that ended in a short red Karen cut lmao i am such a fucking asshole lmao. no regerts

but like also lets not forget the times she literally threatened to murder me....just saying. i may have been a dick, but she DESERVED it.

She kept treating me like shit and i did the non-traditional BPD thing and started setting boundaries for myself. like when she starts being a jerk, just walk away. just leave. also make her jelly with something to feel better lol.obvi that made her MEANER. so i took her out to eat and told her that she was treating me like absolute shit and it needed to sop...she starts bawling...making up shit about how her anxiety this and that and she's not gonna stop being a cunt so shel just move out.

idk why i even tried after that lunch but like whatever. i even sold her my car at a discount price - but now she has the perma reminder lol. i tried. she kept changing the date of her leaving, she just got meaner, and what FINALLY made things click. was she started ditching me and lying about it ( i may have tested it out and made her confess to it without her knowing- she is incredibly stupid). that was the one thing. the one thing i told myself if someone does that to me again, im done. so heyyy at least i stuck to my boundary even though i almost talked myself out of it. so i simply stopped talking to her. for WEEKS. she tried to start conversation, i ended them. she insulted me and i would flip it on her. i was DONE and she knew it. so our 6 year relationship literally ended by me in person ghosting her.

Finally the lease was up and that kinda forced her stupid ass into moving, however. she like half left and half left her stuff. but she left ferret shit fucking everywhere. on the deck, in the closet, smooshed into carpet, random bits of poo strewn about the room. shes fucking Nasty. i cleaned up the ferret poops with her clothes that was left behing...and i rubbed it on EVERYTHING including her dishes. i broke a couple items (some on accident even). stole a bunch of stuff...even a dead mans gift...yeah im PETTY... but i stacked all of her shit at the enterence of the apartment.

Time for pickup! she allotted herself 1.5 hours to pack everything and go to her new apartment that is 45 plus mins away. she comes in- overly exaggerates on thanking me for stacking her shit by the entrance. i immediately ask for the keys ...says okay but then “got distracted”, we did that 3 times till she finally gave me the keys... then i told her about the ferret poo and she claimed that she was gonna clean it today...BITCH IT TOOK ME OVER 3 HOURS FOR THE POOP CLEANUP ALONE...so yeah fuck her.

later that day i hang out with my new friend, lets call her Anna, who is on Marys snapchat- while Mary was putting her stuff in storage (something she swore shed never do) she was saying how pissed she is and how horribly i am for stacking her shit at the entrance. glad to see she's as two-faced as ever.

POST BREAKUP DRAMA:

1) she tried to get rid of everything i gave her but she cant unbuy my car lmao.

2) she got stranded in Texas because she ran out of gas....even though the car tells you how many miles it has before it runs out...like i said, she incredibly stupid 

3) she tried to slither in my life by sending a pic via snap to Anna and then said “oops my finger slipped” ummm its snapchat and thats not how it works stupid ( and this is one of her go to ploys so like lol why?) it was also a pic of a boot that she gave me but its ugly so i gave it back. idk what her whole plan was but it backfire because Anna just blocked her.

4) Quinn came back <3

5) i am obsessed and cant seem to stop stalking her so now imma try just being crazy in blog form to see if my needy bpd self can CHILL. cuz ug i just want to stab her...like 37 times...in the face (it would be an improvement)

[thekintsukuroikid]

November 12th 2017 4:11am

Tofino is never worrying about  running out of battery life, or the gas tank. Or atm service charges.

It’s is an odd place. Living on the mainland you get hit with the same cold and rain and you learn pretty early on how to shelter yourself in the rat race, to keep busy until the clouds roll through. Tofino is this weird anomalous places where people travel here for the express reason of running headlong into the rainy cold. Duh, the waves are better for surfing and storm watching. It’s weird being this close to the ocean. You’re surrounded by it here, you can hear it from the dead middle of town. It’s dark, cold and can swallow you up, and yet here we are grabbing neon coloured boards and wearing goofy rubber suits and paddling away from shore. Standing up, riding it.  There’s a metaphor there somewhere I think. A really lame one.  Suffice to say Tofino is the setting where I’ve always been most comfortable with entertaining feelings of optimism, they linger in my mind a little bit longer here,  there aren’t a lot of things here that can take them away. And yet standing here alone on this beach I still wonder what it would be like to walk into the water and let the water I love so much fill up my lungs. To finally feel the tension unclench and release. 

-

A girl bought me a drink and told me how happy she was that everything about this place wasn’t like home.

I agreed.

this trip was really about  running away.

The band getting to create beautiful music for people to enjoy on a Saturday night, Thats pretty amazing right?

I remember how hard learning 3 chords was and thinking how weird it must be to be able to do so much more but the peak of your musical ambition is playing for my drunk ass.

—

I met a girl at the merch table. She was kind and she was pretty and in our conversation about the logistics of fitting a surfboard on a motorcycle I noticed her biting her lip…and looking at mine…and exhibiting every  universal sign I could think of to express a “shut the fuck up and let’s make out already” sentiment–

“All I could do was wonder how much she’d have to know about me, to hate me as much as I do.”

This isn’t me. I’m so tired of this

I’ve been diagnosed with clinical major depression.

atleast I think thats what its called, I kinda zoned out when I hear it.

I’ve known that somethings been wrong forever but I’ve never had it named by someone else before. I’ve never been in a position where I could go out and really do that. I’ve been getting help for months but this  weekend was the first time  I’ve been able to process it all. 2 doctor’s a therapist and a councillor.  4 different opinions.  The same mdi-10 depression index score. How it works is, 20 is dysthemia or mild depression and 25+ is no bueno moderate depression. 30+ is major depression. I figured I’d be around 18-19 with my shiny psych degree and my practicing of mindfullness and understanding of CBT and readings of Dr. Marsha Linehan and Brené Brown.–-

I got a fucking 38.

Of all the fucking tests to ace I sure know how to pick em lol.

Talk therapy’s helped narrowed it down, where In reality I’ve likely been dealing with this for over a decade. I could have and likely should have gotten help when I was in early highschool/late middle school. The fact that I’ve never been on medication pretty deeply concerns my therapist. I still don’t know if I want the pills, I stare at the prescription sometimes and wonder what the sweet fuck I’m going to do. It’s hard to plan things in a pros and con’s type of scenario with brain altering chemicals, like its not like theres a frame of reference or anything.  I’ve always been  getting by with habits and discipline. Reading ahead, doing homework early in case I sleep through my classes again. Never letting anyone get close enough to be in a position to judge you.  Never be vulnerable. You’re not cool enough to have baggage.

It’s not like I’m like this all of the time. I have good days, mostly when I��m around other people, even strangers. It’s when I’m by myself for too long that it starts to creep into my mind, a little voice getting progressively louder and more persuasive. I Have fun by remembering what it’s supposed to feel like and selling it to everyone who can see me. This isn’t the stereotypical 3am negative thoughts, I mean those happen too but its more like 3pm, in the middle of my group of friends laughing, just getting hit with this whole body feeling of dread and trying to crack a joke anyway.  I then follow this with sullen, silent car rides home or 45 minutes sitting on the shower floor wondering if I’ll always feel this numb?

That’s the worst part…the numbness of it all. Losing hours in the day to this thing that I can’t even really describe. I never get mad or sad or happy just attenuated, dulled versions of these emotions.  I’m scared of heights, like really fucking scared of heights but I learned to rock climb because fear hits me in such a meaningless way now. This is such a weirdly strong biological component.  I feel like I can never move forward to create myself because I’m always looking back, trying to get back to how I used to feel. That’s the one thing I know is missing, that sense of self that guides my decision making. I’ve never been able to go with my gut, the kind of spontaneity and passion and creativity that comes with that,  Instead Its always minimize the damage, lower the risk. I feel inadequate in every measurable and measurable way, to the point of it being physically crippling. 

I’ve been really fucking good at hiding this. Its the thing I’m honestly the most proud of, which is a bit counterintuitive.  It’s allowed me to flip something that feels so intrinsically selfish and allowed me to keep focus on the people that are important to me. It’s allowed me to learn some really important lessons about friendships and relationships, coping and empathy, all without the vulnerability of facing those things head on. Depression to me, at least  the way that i’m doing it (which I know is the wrong way to think about it)  is this selfishness I don’t want to indulge.  

There is massive guilt with this. I have so much. I have taken so much time, love, energy, money from the people in my life and I feel like I am and I have so little to show for it. That I am a highlight in every  worst way, of the differences between what is good and what is just nice. but the thing is  I’m starting to realize that this thing, this depression thing it couldn’t give less of a shit about how you rationalize it, its taken better people than me, I’ve seen it first hand.  

For me this thing hits two-fold. Its the physicality of these symptoms I can no longer ignore or fight through.  Messed up eating schedules, sleeping too much or too little,  missing classes, being late to events or appointments and just constantly feeling zoned out, in a daze.

On the mental side of it, its been management. I’ve been in a dark place for a long time and my diminishing ability for me to manage these mental health symptoms means that I feel increasingly less equipped to take on this complete feeling of stagnation. This shit takes work. It’s like im trying to carry a weight with broken arms and no cast. It’s a  feeling that even if I had an opportunity, job or otherwise,  I lack the tools and the self belief to actually be and do what I want. It is such a weird sensation to feel the slide from wondering how to make it by 30…to wondering about making it to 30. 

 I Try to work hard to be grateful and find the joy in things. I spend my days trying to bridge the gap between the humility of recognizing this reality, with the ego of thinking I deserve better.  I mean maybe this is as good as it gets? Maybe some people just spiral. I hope that isn’t me, I don’t want to see how far this rabbit hole goes, I don’t want to become what its trying to make me become, I think thats why I work so hard to keep being extraverted.  I try to be around my friends, especially if I know  that they have it a lot worse or are facing a difficulty. Being empathetic to what they’re dealing with makes you feel like a bit of a daft jerk for dwelling your own bullshit. That used to keep things quiet long enough. Then again you don’t win a fight by closing your eyes.

—

I went to the bar in Tofino where I bought my first legal drink and I  thought about all the drinks I’ve had since then. I got hit with this really intense feeling of dread. Not that I had wasted all that time in those  5 years, Worse still,  That I’ve never truly had the ability to truly appreciate all the amazing things that have happened since then.

Even if I couldn’t feel it I wanted to do the logical work towards getting out of this. I learned really early on  to  focus not on building a resume but on building a eulogy. To live a life well lived. To do things not for the spoils but for the man I’d become in the pursuit.

In the 5 year since I’ve been back to Tofino, I’ve hated that man.  I still hate him. I am so much of what I told myself I’d never be: alone, weak, and of little consequence.  I’ve tried everything to fix that man and I still can’t explain where that process went wrong.  I’ve tried to surround myself with people who I love. But never letting them get close enough love me because of a combination of never feeling like I deserved it and never wanting to be burned or betrayed for being vulnerable.  

I don’t know if I can really get better I don’t really know what better is. But trying has to be better than this. Thats the funniest bit about this, I don’t even think I can really imagine what better would be like, what the absence of all this would feel like.

I just know that there is more than this…that maybe I can be more than this.

I was always ashamed to take. So I gave. It was not a virtue. It was a disguise.— Anaïs Nin, The Diary Of Anais Nin, 

I  want to make all of  this mean something. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything. I just know that  I could set myself on fire to keep others warm. If I couldn’t feel wanted, or that I deserved to be wanted I could at least make people comfortable.  I never knew there was a difference between  happiness and the distraction from sadness. I would just connect to benevolence. I’d try volunteering, donating time and money partly because I enjoy those things, but deep down in a small way it was also an attempt to try reconciling the diminishing potential I felt.  If I kept doing the right things, things would turn around, that I could out work this thing I was fighting. It was all just heading to nowhere,  I realized I could get hit by a car tomorrow and nobody would know this truth about me, the uphill clawing. I think now  I want to turn this pain into something tangible for myself and others.If this is rock bottom I want to look around,  I want to carve my name in the rock beneath my feet and remember what this feels like. I never want to know it first hand again.  Maybe this is that first step. Who the hell can see forever but maybe I can just win tomorrow.

— This is the most I’ve ever written about myself and it’s a hell of a lot more than I’ve ever wanted to. Hell it’s the most I’ve ever thought of myself and part of me  feels like this sounds really self obsessed. But I think, at least I hope, it’s just a self awareness that comes from no longer seeing the contrasts in life.

If you are reading this it means that 1) you’ve found this randomly, and in which case… “sup?” or 2) you are one of the maybe 4 people I genuinely trust to tell this too without fear of being treated differently after doing it. If it is option 2…Surprise? I’ve worked extremely hard to make sure you couldn’t have seen this coming. It also means that you’ve shown me love  implicitly in such a way that removes so much doubt, I hope you know how powerful and beautiful that is. 

I don’t know man I think this is all really just about wanting to feel that oneness  with myself again, to finally find peace one day. I don’t have to live, I get to, and I want too. The world is abhorrently beautiful  man. daunting, ridiculous, backbreaking and gorgeous. I want to feel all of it,  I want to find my place in it and I can’t do it alone. Not anymore.  

Happy Birthday to me. ayeee.

[p-aralian]

It’s been a while since I’ve confronted my thoughts and feelings so what better time to do that than now? 

I had an exam today and I thought that when it ended, I’d have this amazing feeling of accomplishment, that I kicked it in the butt and that I’m definitely passing it. Both of that is true and yet, it didn’t feel great. It just felt like “okay that’s done, what’s next?” I don’t know, I’m kinda disappointed by that. But maybe I shouldn’t be. I feel like I have this inherent need to make everything a big deal or find some deeper meaning to things than there actually is. I failed this exam last November and it was painful. It’s the first time I thought I actually studied for something and failed it. After ACTUALLY studying for it properly, I realised that I hadn’t done it justice the last time and failing was totally justified. I remember feeling like that failure did good for my character and that it was something to grow from. Time will tell, I suppose. Anyhow, I have a month and a half before I get my results and I go back to work next week, my parents get back tomorrow, so before I get busy again, I really want to use tonight to really tease out my feelings and find out what’s going on with me. 

These past 3 weeks of doing nothing but studying was very challenging for me. I’m sure this isn’t unique to me but when I’m studying, I feel like I can’t do anything else. At work however, I know that the evenings are mine and so are the weekends so I am able to strike a balance, but only because it’s forced upon me. While studying, I was really struggling to instil discipline in myself. It all worked out in the end, but I gave myself a lot of anxiety and panic attacks throughout the process. I did, however, sometimes, find meditation helpful and I will continue making that a part of my life. I also found that taking melatonin supplements helped me sleep at night and while I don’t want to make this a habit, I think I’m going to need it for the next week at least while I get settled into my routine of working and enjoying little indulgences in spare time like dance class / workouts / random weekend activities. I enjoy work a lot. My colleagues are my best friends, I feel needed and useful, I learn a lot, it’s my thing that’s not tied to anyone else and I love that. I feel like it’s time for me to start thinking about my career in the long term and earning good money and saving up and all those adult things. So I will be applying for training contracts at different firms from next week (hopefully diligently). When I’m working though, and maybe I don’t know if I think this is the best part about it but I’m so busy to really think about life and stuff. While I was studying, omg, I was thinking about things that I thought I was past, I was feeling things that I wish I wasn’t and it was terrifying. Because of that, I don’t want my “routine” shall we say, to keep me so busy that I sweep everything under the rug rather than deal with it the thorough, healthy way. I want to acknowledge, understand, accept how things make me feel, why they make me feel that way, what I like or don’t like about it and how to deal with it. I think the meditation will be good for me in this regard. I can’t just find something else to do to keep me busy so that I don’t think about things. 

Now I’ve been so vague thus far, saying “things” and “stuff” so I wanna just try to scratch the surface of what those are. 

First, needless to say, is the one person who always plays on my mind - Shad. I don’t know what to do really. I mean, it’s been a year a 5 months since our breakup now. On a day-to-day basis sure, I can get by my day. But he still haunts my thoughts, I still miss him so much. Obviously I think about all the good times, all the mushy lovely passionate moments we shared play in my mind on repeat and it’s excruciating. I miss all that, I miss what we had, I miss who he was. I don’t know how to phrase this properly but sometimes I think that when I miss him, I’m not sure if I’m missing him or if I miss the idea of him / how I assume he would be impacting my life in that moment. Let me give an example. Obviously when I was stressed, yes I missed him because I knew for a fact that he did a lot of things to help me but it’s not like he’s here and he’s horrible on text + there’s a time difference. So the question is: in that moment, do I really miss him particularly or do I just want someone to do what he would have done for me and make me feel better the way he did when we were together? I don’t know. Shad was an amazing person, we had the greatest love I will ever know and I’m still heartbroken. That’s all I can say really. It’d mean the world to me just to see him again, one last time. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks of me too, probably not as often as I do. I also wonder if he’s found someone new and if he has, whether she loves him half as much as I do. I hope he’s happy. 

Wow okay, crying a lot right now. Brb. 

Whew okay I’m back.  I’ve been forcing myself to be able to deal with tough mental situations myself. I find it easy to talk to close friends when I’m angry and pissed off and ranting. But I feel like when I’m anxious and I have that heavy feeling in my heart, I just feel super vulnerable and only someone whom I’ve been vulnerable with can make me feel better and I want that person to make me feel ‘taken care of’ or something. I don’t know. Usually that person tends to be the person that I like at that moment. But that’s so bad. Or when there is none, I’ll just go into majorly distracting myself by essentially shutting myself out and talking to strangers on the Internet be it on dating apps or literally “talkwithstranger.com”. Why is that a coping mechanism for me? I really don’t understand it. Sometimes I wish I could afford a therapist so that these issues can really be ironed out and explained to me. Anyways, back to my efforts - whenever I feel anxious, be it about studying or not being able to sleep or Shad, I’m trying not to distract myself with a TV show (unless I’m having a breakdown) or by talking to anyone. I want to get through it myself. This is where the meditation is helping. Breathing has always helped me. I think I read somewhere on Tumblr of a sequence of in-breaths and out-breaths to do that specifically help with anxiety. So yeah, point is, I want to be able to do this myself so that I don’t have to rely on anyone else. Clearly still finding my feet but I’m proud of myself for my efforts. I feel like I’m trying to be healthy emotionally and mentally, which is the difficult but more fulfilling path to take. 

Now, moving on to the trajectory of my life... Sometimes with the “routine”, I don’t actually realise just how fast time is passing by. And I’m still in that “oh I’m still young” phase but the day that I can’t use that excuse anymore is gonna come sooner than I think. And yes I know that everyone has their own timelines but I do personally want to achieve things before I’m thirty. Like okay let’s talk this through. Assuming all goes to plan with this exam, I’ll do my Part B this year (more studying ugh but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there) and I’ll be called to the Bar next year in August which will make me a practising solicitor when I’m 25, bearing in mind that I’m born in January, I’ll still be in my first year of practice when I turn 26. That’s so old! And then what? Do I stay in practice in Singapore? Do I go away and do my Masters and TRY to settle elsewhere? I don’t want to plan too much because these questions have answers that are dependent on a lot of variable factors but still, it’s scary. And yes, I know it’s about the journey like wow there’s so much of life to go but I just hope everything turns out okay, I mean, life is expensive and I want to be earning well and save enough to be able to afford big things that I will want in the future. Then there’s relationships. I thought I’d be married by 30 (lol the older I get, the later that age becomes fml) but I’m still figuring out what I want out of a relationship then there’s oh, of course, the question of who the hell I’m going to marry. I can’t even with that right now. I’m not even thinking about that in the first place but also it’s so hard to date in this country while living under my parents’ roof?! That’s another thing altogether and honestly is not bothering me too much at the moment but when I do want to get serious about a person, that is definitely going to be a problem. Don’t get me wrong, I love living with my parents... but like only half of the time. 

Okay I think I’ve actually regurgitated a lot of the things that were bothering me. There’s just one last thing. 

There’s a boy I like. He’s funny, smart, kinda sweet. I’ll refer to him as “R”. Not to be like all into myself and stuff but usually when a guy likes me, they’re usually like way more into it than I am so I that I can tell (which is a put-off yeah cuz there is also fun in not knowing). If not that then I like the guy and I can sway him towards me pretty easily. Or then there’s what I had with Shad, where there was a lot of physical attraction but when it came to emotional stuff, at least there was enough tension between us to know that he cared about how it would end up just as much as I did. 

Anyways, back to R. With him, it’s different. It’s chill. Which is so new for me. I know he likes me too but we don’t talk about it (and I think I’m supposed to feel like that is a good thing). Sometimes I feel like the one overcompensating or needing more from “us” before I snap myself out of it and remind myself that this is just supposed to be breezy. We can spend time with each other but also live our lives, with the ability to consult each other as recourse in difficult situations while not being codependent. He’s a straight up, genuine guy and I’m grateful that I’m sharing this with him. Getting to know him, spending time doing fun activities with him has been so much fun and *that’s all it has to be*. He’s been a positive influence in my life and in my thought/character development. Still working on finding my balance but yeah, just wanted to give R a little bit of recognition. 

That’s all the reflection I have in me for now, Tumblr. Thank you for being there for me the past 8 years and counting. 

[etouffante-x]

August 2nd, 2018; false alarm

My one and only resolution for 2019 was to be (to a reasonable extent) more vulnerable and open, be it letting people in, letting people understand me, or letting people love me. It already sounds so fucking difficult lolllll, but I’m going to do it because I know it’s a place I need to grow - I can’t keep my walls up forever.

Ahhhhhhhhhh, I still get emotional reading my feelings from this time, but here it is, only slightly edited from the initial draft:

__________________________________________________________

August 2nd, 2018 probably around 3AM

Happiness is rarely ever a catalyst for writing - it is often the difficult situations and the accompanying trying emotions that motivate us to write: being in love, anger, frustration, grief,

sadness.

Today, I write about my mom.

I have these thoughts. Like how this might be the first (of many; all) Thanksgivings we will have without her, Christmases, birthdays, accomplishments, milestones. How my dad will have to learn how to cook and learn how to pay the bills. How she won’t see me get my PhD. How she won’t be able to see or hear me play piano anymore. How I should’ve taken more pictures of her smiling face or more pictures with her.

I am at my emotional wits’ end.

I feel like I will break at any moment.

There are times when I am calm with chaotic undercurrents threatening to rupture my controlled facade, and then there are times when I just cry and cry and ugly cry. Nothing helps - talking it out or trying to distract myself - it is there, staring me in the face, her mortality.

Mom’s been in the hospital since the beginning of July, right when I began my week-long vacation in Portugal. When she said she was in the hospital, I had only begun talking to her again after the massive fight she had with my sister in DC (because I took my sister’s side). At first it was pneumonia. She was old and getting pneumonia is common in people her age, I told myself. I didn’t think much of it, even when she was transferred to the ICU. Whether it was hopeful naivete or plain stupid naivete, I couldn’t tell you. My thought was that they simply moved her there because they couldn’t figure out what bacteria was causing the pneumonia (one of my fatal flaws is I could [over]rationalize anything). But then she was there for a week. Kelly told me later when we were talking about it that she was really worried because her grandma (who passed away from lung cancer recently) started out the same way.

When I got back from my vacation, a very weird set of coincidences and twists of fate happened: the weekend immediately following my return, I was supposed to fly to New York City for Panorama (a music festival). I arrived at the airport for my flight, which was already delayed from the original time. As I sat there watching the screen, the flight got delayed another 30 minutes; 10 minutes later, the delay became 1.5 hours. Another 10 minutes later, the flight was cancelled altogether. I was really tired. I grappled with the decision to either just go back home and stay that weekend or try to switch my flight to Boston to see my mom, with a slight chance that flights to Boston would also be cancelled. But then I receive an email that Panorama was cancelled for the day that I was originally going to go and that refunds would be issued within 3-5 business days. I stood in that long line waiting to talk to an agent about changing my flight.

“Hello, since my flight is cancelled, could I just get a refund for my flights to and from NYC”? “Sure, give me a minute.”

.....

“Actually, what would the fee be to switch the inbound and outbound flights to go to and from Boston instead?” “We could change your flight at no extra cost, the earliest flight to Boston would be tomorrow around 7 AM.”

I went back to my apartment, scheduled a Lyft for 4:30 AM, and went to bed.

To summarize my short weekend trip home to see my mom: Day 1 - my dad picked me up from the airport and we got breakfast together at the hospital cafe and talked very quietly and calmly about anything but my mom’s condition. We picked up some soup for her on the way up to her room. We were all exhausted. - the nurses were so kind. - I wanted to strangle the thoracic surgeon who came to take out my mom’s chest tube. She had gotten a lung biopsy done so that they could run labs and tests - dear LAWD I was NOT ready for this at all. The first time he tried to yank it out, he forgot to remove the stitches that held it in place. It took everything in me to not lash out and then lunge across the bed to slap him upside the head (imagine trying to quickly yank out something that is physically attached to your skin). Then after he got the stitches out, it was go-time. I nearly fainted I shit you not. I held my mom’s hand as the surgeon yanked out a nearly 2 foot long tube from my mom’s back (that was in her chest!!!) as her face just scrunched up in pain. I knew from my neuroscience background that you can make pain feel less... painful, by “distracting” the body with pain in another part, so since I was holding her hand tightly, I started squeezing hard and slapping it gently and rubbing it and talking to her so she wouldn’t focus on the pain. I really don’t know if it worked. I probably needed to slap harder. Lol. - I didn’t want to leave, but she was finally able to rest a bit more comfortably with the chest tube removed, and my dad and I went home. My heart broke a little knowing she’d feel lonely and scared by herself in that sterile hospital room.

Day 2: - my dad and I picked up some Vietnamese food for my mom since she was craving some actual food and was feeling up to eat. The way she eagerly ate made me so happy. - she was being moved out of the ICU, so we met her at her new room, which was more spacious and had more sunlight. A little comfy-er. A little less hospital-y. She slept most of the time I was there, but my dad and I bonded by my forcing him to take the Myers-Briggs test. I was thoroughly surprised (he’s an ESFJ). Lmao. - my dad took me to the airport and I flew back.

I left feeling hopeful. A few days after I got back home, though, we got a diagnosis: pulmonary fibrosis. The resident who called me with this information was wholly unhelpful. I asked what the treatment plan would be. I asked what the chances are of a wrong diagnosis. What the fuck is pulmonary fibrosis? Shouldn’t doctors sound more sure of themselves and have more information to divest if they’re going to call with a preliminary diagnosis? But I did my research: at the most, 2.5-3.5 years to live, with the average being about 6 months to a year.

I cried so much that night. I didn’t have the heart or the courage to tell my sister. There were so many things I still wanted to ask my mom and know about her: What was her childhood like in Vietnam? What’s her favorite poem? What foods does she hate? Who’s her favorite sibling?

I think of all these things in hindsight - I never wanted to get close/attached to people because - in the end, someone always has to leave. And I cannot bear the pain or sadness. Alas, I’ve become that kid who feels guilty because they didn’t appreciate their mom enough before it was too late - who didn’t text enough, call enough, visit home enough; wasn’t patient enough, gentle enough, loving enough. I have failed to do so many things I should have and I am lacking in being all that I should have been for them.

Today, when I called her, was the second time in my life that I heard her cry. She said she feels bad leaving me and my sister behind, with nothing; and that she worries about us - I told her not to worry. She said she feels sad that she might not get to see me graduate, her legacy, and that if it’s her time to go, then she will go. I thought of walking down that stage to get my PhD in my beret, and the caption that was supposed to be “I did it for the beret” being changed to “this one’s for you, Mom.” I thought of how she sacrificed her whole life for our family, with nothing - nothing - given back to her in return. She never took a vacation anywhere, never saw the world, but gave the world to us.

Perhaps this is her rest - a lifetime of sacrifice and oftentimes one-sided, unconditional love, rewarded with a breath at last (oh the fucking irony).

The doctors were/are infuriatingly incompetent and ill-informed. And I cannot stop crying. I think about how I will feel her loss forever, feel that emptiness in everything that I see and do. But that is what love is. To me, it is the yearning to have that person longer, selfishly. It is the sadness of their (impending) departure. It is the wish that they could have been afforded all the opportunities you had. But in the end, it is selfish to want to prolong and extend her pain and suffering for my own self-preservation. I can try to prepare, but I doubt anything could prepare me for the inevitable heartbreak I will have to endure.

I just hope, at some point in time, I made her happy; I hope I made her proud.

I hope that if and when she leaves, she leaves for some place more beautiful than here.

[purplesurveys]

986

Are you currently learning from anyone how to play any instruments? Nope. I’ve never been musically-inclined and it’s always been impossible for me to pick up skills in any instrument, even if we had music classes in my old school from first grade all the way up to senior year. 

Are you one of those people who always tend to think critically in issues? Yes. Sometimes my emotions would want to take over, but at the end I always prefer to be skeptical, ask a lot of questions, and see all sides in an issue. I feel like critical thinking is such a big part of the degree I took up anyway, especially with all the hullabaloo about fake news and which news sources to trust, so...

Do you know anyone who is overly flirty with people? Girl or a boy? I can remember a few girls from my high school but they could have changed within the last four years. I remember several girls and boys from college, too. 

When was the last time you had any kind of pork? What kind was it? Last night. Pork belly.

Are you someone who normally eats a full breakfast every single morning? No, not normally. If I wake up feeling a little better than usual I’ll go downstairs and get some bread and eggs, but most of the time I skip all meals except dinner.

Do you believe vampires are real? No.

Are you someone who has to hide the things you like around friends? Sometimes, just because I genuinely want to keep some things that I enjoy to myself. I also have some interests that are a little uncommon and simply won’t make for a productive or fun conversation, like wrestling, so I don’t raise topics like those around my friends. ‘Hide’ is a little harsh, though...my friends certainly don’t make me feel like I have to hide my true self. At the end of the day I just like keeping quiet about my interests and letting others have the spotlight.

Have you ever been to a porn website? Were you addicted to it afterwards? Yeah since middle school lol. I still remember how big of a sin it had felt when I typed in a URL for the very first time. Anyway, I wouldn’t say I was ever a porn addict but I did have phases where I’d watch nearly everyday, and then stop for months, and then repeat the habit again.

What is the most disgusting thing you think the opposite sex can do? Cat-calling is one of them < Jesus, I remember how catcalling was such a pre-Covid norm...one of the very few reasons why I’m glad to be staying at home.

Would you rather be able to teleport or freeze time? Which one seems best? Teleport. I don’t think freezing time will help me especially if it’s to be stuck in a happier moment; I’ll have to unfreeze in the end anyway, and it’s just a sucky truth that I have no control over. I feel that teleporting has a lot more uses, like skipping traffic lol.

Have you seen the movie Twister? Did the tornadoes look real to you? I don’t think I’ve ever even heard of it. The only Twister that comes to mind is the party game.

Have you actually been through a devastating natural disaster before? We always get devastating hurricanes a few times a year but my family and our home has always been on the fortunate side since my parents made sure we relocated somewhere that wasn’t prone to floods. The old house we used to live in, though, is super vulnerable to typhoons and it has definitely flooded all the way up to the ceiling there before. It’s a big reason why we moved.

Did your mom ever fix your eggs and bacon into a smiley face as a kid? I wasn’t fed bacon as a kid, so I guess not.

What fast food place, in your opinion, has the best french fries? Jollibee, and this is a hill I would happily die on.

Do you believe one day aliens might take over the planet Earth? No. I like to hold out belief for aliens, but I wouldn’t want to immediately assume that they would be the colonizer type.

Are you someone who always looks for sales when you go shopping somewhere? I don’t actively seek them out, but if I spot an item I like that’s on sale then I’m more likely to buy them and just consider it my lucky day, heh.

Are you constantly re-arranging your bedroom? Or do you not like change? I only do once every few years. The last time I did was a couple of weeks ago; the last time before that was 4-5 years ago.

Who would you consider the best teen actor or actress out there now? The only one I could think of is Jacob Tremblay, but I’ve only ever seen him in Room and that movie’s five years old now. Oh but Iain Armitage is amazing too.

When did you last cuddle up next to someone and watch a movie? Start of the year would be my best guess.

Where would people most likely find you out on the weekends? Just home, unless my family or friends made plans to go out. For the most part though, I like catching up on rest after a week of school/work.

Do you like the school you attend or is it just pretty bland to you? I loved my university. The atmosphere there felt extremely freeing and nobody gave a shit about what anyone wore, what pronouns people prefer for themselves, etc. It was such a beautiful place to explore and figure myself out in the last four years.

Do you remember when they used to actually throw candy out at parades? I don’t think I’ve been to a parade.

What is your favorite childhood memory? Who did you share this with? Playing outside nearly every afternoon, then going home for dinner and alternating between Nickelodeon, Disney, and Cartoon Network because our favorite programs were all over those three channels. I shared these with my neighbors (for playing outside), and then with my siblings and cousins (for watching TV).

Are there any windows open in your house right now? Which ones, if so? A couple of my windows are open to let some of the cold air in.

Is it currently your favorite season? If not what is your favorite? Yes, I love the rainy season. I haven’t had to worry about sweating these days which makes life a lot less annoying.

Do you like soda pop? If so, which is your favorite and least favorite? Don’t those two words refer to the same thing? Lol but I don’t drink soda. I’ve tried so many times to get into it but it’s always felt like putting my tongue and throat on fire.

Does it bother you when people burp around you or do you do it too? I do it around family and close friends. They can burp around me too. Personally, I only find burping gross if it’s strangers that I catch doing it.

Do you have any siblings you’re embarrassed of being related to? A little bit but it’s whatever.

Which noises do you currently hear right now? Can you control those? There’s a Good Mythical Morning video from my phone, the fan whirring behind me, and a dog barking somewhere outside. The only noise I can’t control is the dog, because they aren’t mine and I don’t know which house they’re from.

What is one thing you’ve never understood throughout your life? Catcalling. Like, why?

When you see an old person do you think ‘sweet’ or ‘creepy?’ For the most part, neither. I’ve thought ‘sweet’ or ‘creepy’ about old people in the past, but they have to be doing something to cause me to feel that way.

What is it that makes old women want so many cats in their life? Company, I’m guessing. But I don’t think it’s fair to generalize old women lol.

How many times a day do you wash your face? Do you wash it really good? Once, when I take my daily shower. I’ve always had clear skin so I don’t like washing it too hard, or too much, or using products on my face. Just a few splashes of water have worked fine for my face in the last 22 years.

Would you consider yourself to have a boring life or a really exciting one? I’d say it’s generally exciting right now because a lot of changes are happening and I’m finally out of school and pursuing real jobs and everything, but Covid has definitely given it a boring turn.

Do you ever talk to people you met online through webcam? Or is that weird? I’ve only done so with Carley. It’s not weird if you’re already close.

Who was the last person you kissed and why did you kiss this person? Gab. She was leaving.

How many fish have you owned in your lifetime, so far? Did they all die? We were allowed to own a lot of goldfish when we were kids but yeah, they’re all dead now.

If you were to get drunk right now, how would you most likely act? Cry, drunk text the wrong person, try to take the rest of this survey drunk.

How many people have you kissed in your lifetime so far? Who were they? One.

Are you going to post this on a social networking site after you take it? Yeah, that has always been the point of this Tumblr.

Is there something people in general do that bothers you a lot? This only applies to Christians, but being jerks and going back to their old ways immediately after attending church. I have never understood that, and never will. Like, why even attend???? What is your point of being there??

Has anything supernatural ever happened to you? What were these events? Nothing like seeing ghosts or whatever but I’ve had some odd premonitions before, especially on the day my grandfather died.

How many concerts have you seen so far in life? Were they good ones? I’ve gone to a lot of local gigs that feature popular local acts; the best ones I saw were Ysanygo, The Ransom Collective, and BP Valenzuela (who I’ve seen thrice, aaaahhhh). Foreign acts I’ve watched are Coldplay, One Direction (kind of twice, but it’s a long story), and Paramore (twice). I don’t remember disliking a singer or band that I’ve seen perform.

Do you like doing anything your friends wouldn’t expect you to do? Doing surveys is probs on top of that list, ha.

Can you sing very well or are you considerably tone deaf? I’m not tone-deaf, but I don’t have a talent in singing.

Do you ever look back on the past years and wish you could go back? Yes.

When will the next time be you’ll talk to the cousin you’re closest to? I have no clue. Christmas is my best guess.

Are you really into vintage things? Have you ever been into that stuff? Not so much, but investing on a turntable is consistently on my mind as I’ve always had a dream of collecting vinyl records.

When was the last time you bought new sheets for your bed? It’s been a while. Can’t remember.