neurodivergentchaosking

[neurodivergentchaosking]

Why are men?

so i have a long history of being preyed on because im naively autistic and have big mommy milkers. at this point i have come to realize, when men talk about your body or anything remotely sexual and put you in that catagory, it is NEVER innocent. NEVER and it ALWAYS escalates ...also thanks to the narc ex i am now really good at spotting when people are trying to attach are trauma bond and/or just a sus af relationship...now i can begin with the bs thats going on.

gonna zoom past the part where i almost fucking died. rv is broken. my credit card is heavily taxed 10k+ (and im not even out of the woods). so due to circumstances, we have to stay at my husband’s dad’s house for a few months to recoop from how insane life is post covid. i was a bit cheated out of a loving bio family so i was kinda hoping that i could find a community/ family with my husband’s family. his mom was volatile from the get go, so shes not a thing anymore (and no one was surprised because she didnt do anything outside of her pattern)

His father’s wife recently died, and he has been trying to give me a bunch of her jewelry and clothes. by itself that seems very sweet. he registered her car so my husband could drive it. so sweet right? he absolutely adores my kitty,and offered to trade the car for my cat....about 8 times so far. Its clearly not a joke, and its really disgusting. we already said no...8 fucking times... also he was all “welcome to my kitchen, you can have anything as long as you replace it” ...then drank all my juice.  All this shit by itself is annoying and shit but its also whatever.

that brings us to Easter, no one celebrated it. i never brought easter up because that comes with a potential religion talk and no thank you. So Phil, his dad, asked me if I celebrated. i told him that i didnt, then he brought up the equinox and i said i should prolly celebrate but just never get around to it. thought nothing of it....later he approached nick in the kitchen (i was in the guest room and could over hear it) and asked if they should celebrate the equinox by being naked around the house.. then he exclaimed and was like “oh *husbands name* , i thought it was *my name* i never would have said that have i known it was you”...and then my husband came to check on me to see if i was okay and he apologized for his father... wish that was the only nasty shit that happend

he tried to shotgun ouid with my husband twice, and then argued with me when i said our only context for that is sexual so it made us uncomfortable. he loudly talks about his lack of a sex life in painstaking detail hella loud in the living room (and hes already verbally acknowledged that we can hear him) trying to give us weird porn prints. its fucking weird man.

he also keeps finding “reasons” to be in this room (where i escape to now that i know hes a fucking creep ) and when i asked if i could grow mushrooms, he said yes but only in one place in our closet and only if he gets to visit whenever he wants....thus granting his shitty ass into the one space that feels remotely safe here. also everytime i sing for more than 30 seconds, he sings over me. every time..its odd and i even asked if me singing aloud bothered him so he can suck it....anyways i am clearly not going to grow mushrooms anytime soon

he also keeps trying to bring up a conversation about me and my husbands “problems” and is always negative towards me about it.

and just today (my husband went out of town for a few hours), he decided to go on a weird misogynistic rant about how women are more dangerous in bars and other areas (this was a response to showing him bimbocore- lol what a fucking coward)...when i was cleaning he said that women cleaning turn him on ( clearly aiming it at me and misgendering me for the umpteenth time)

he “accidentally” locked my cat in a closet today, he looked rather delighted when i had a panic attack looking for him..and even tried to blame it on him liking to hide from me which is literally never a thing that clingy little shit does....and a few hours later he locked the cat in his room while he was showering and i only found out because i was panicking looking for him again and banged on this assholes door with no response so i opened it a little and heard the shower and saw cabbage at the door, grabbed him and shut the door behind me. i doubt he will mention it because if he does then he would have to admit that it wasn't on accident.

so can someone tell me.. why men? why? why the fuck does this always happen??????? not all men my ass

[neurodivergentchaosking]

Long ass life update... its messy *fein shock and horror*

TOC of paragraphs:1 The voices in my head that i thought were fucking normal. 2 the neighbor who is actively torturing me 3 my current mental health. 4. Narc reflections and childhood memories

1: I have voices in my head and though that was normal. How in the absolute fuck did i convince myself that it was normal you may ask? Well you see dear readers, i am in fact an ego driven idiot with a serious avoidant nature. Let me clarify. The voices in my head are mine, i always viewed them as me with different perspectives. i assumed i thought liked this because im just so uber freaking hekka smart that i needed mini “brains” to solve complex situation in my life. it turns out its from the TRAUMA. i literally only found out about this because i was blacking out and losing time and evidence that i did shit when that time was lost. i have dissociative identity disorder!!!! ( formally known as multiple personality disorder,  and no its nothing like you think it is) Also, these voices have names and shit.... my life has been a bit NUTS.

2. My shitastic fucking neighbor story: In august 2021 i got very drunk with my husband (we were separated but friendly at the time) because i was poorly coping with the narc bitch fallout. We were very fucking loud at like 4am and it really wasn't cool. My neighbor agreed because he angrily knocked on my door (which is fair) but i was drunk and i didnt realize i was being loud at the time (keep in mind that i am autisitic-its important for context in a second). i answered the door in a hoodie because thats what i always where (its a long hoodie) when im chilling and its too cold to be nakey. lemme paint the picture of what happened-------i opened the door to find a short mans face go from angry to confusion and slight horror/embarrassment. he stuttered a bit before he spoke, eyes darting at the ground for some reason. “Im a correctional officer and in my 7 years of living here i have never heard the noises like coming from your apartment” his face gets more serious..i can tell hes trying to imply something but i for the fuck of it all can figure out what. so i say “what do you mean?”.. his face looked disgusted that i dare ask for  a clarifying detail of communication . and his face distorts intos something ugly(er) “you know what i mean”-----i did not know what he meant, i looked at him blankly and said “i dont though, what do you mean?” and he grumbled something slunk away into the darkness. i am balling me eyes out because i obviously upset my neighbor but i didnt know what i did so i didnt know how to fix it and so i just cried while my husband consoled me------a day or two later we ran in to eachother and he apologized and i apologized and then i told him that i am autistic (biggest fucking mistake apparently) and i really didnt understand what happened. he said that he was worried we were killing eachother (i did fall a lot that night and we also fucked which probs wasnt quiet). i though that was the fucking end of it. sounds like everything has been resolved right? ug well let me tell you---------------------he has been blasting his shitty music from hours 12am-7am on the weekends. i ignored it for months, but it just got worse. it was going on at least 3x a week and weird and random ass hours and it really impacted my mental health. so i had my husband knock on his door one of the times he was being hella loud but during normal daylight hours cuz i didnt wanna be rude...he turned the volume up. so we talked to the manager and asked if she could facilitate a resolution because i was unable to (i didnt even mention him being petty and increasing the volume because i really just wanted this to be handled and move on).... the noise got worse and worse and worse. got better for like 3 days and then got worse. I was so fucked up by the overstimulation, exhausted and starving as a result. i was literally homicidal. i asked my husband to keep an eye on me while we resolved this situation because i was afraid i was going to snap and either unalive the neighbor or myself to make the fucking noise stop ( and no the $300 noise canceling headphones did not help). luckily the building manager was incredibly supportive and let me out of my lease early and i am about to live full time in an rv as a last ditch effort to stay alive, out of jail, and out of the nuthouse. i also made several calls to the police and that seemed to help a bit but not completely. they couldn't evict the fuck because of covid protections, however they are serving him with a broken lease thingy and they will not be renewing that gross tiny mans apt. so yes, i may have lost my home, but so will he, and he will have shit rental history. hope it was worth it you boot-licking cunt.

3.my mental health is absolute fucking shit: im in bed basically all day, the only way i can eat is if my husband feeds me, i barely shower or do any hygeine tbh. i am just doing everything i can to stay safe and get through this only 5 more days left so i def think i can handle it. i am getting to know the other alters in the system bit by bit, so thats been interesting.

4. I have been doing a lot of research about narcissists, and holy fucking shit have i uncovered some generational patterns of absolute bullshit. I have always hated my Maternal Grandfather. i hated the way he treated my sweet and wonderful Gma, and honestly i just never felt any personal connection with him. i thought he was shit and didnt deserve my gma.i was right. the family even knew he was shit, i was able to piece together all the cheating and beating he was responsible for inflicting on his family. He was absolutely a fucking Narc. i say was because hes old af and suffering forever in a military run old folks home with dementia.---- My father, aside from the incest (no, i will not be elaborating on this, ever.) showed very little affection to his children. always off on his own. whenever he was around he always managed to be cruel and you could either a give it back and watch the little bitch pout (or beat you, it kinda depended the day ya know) or you could empty yourself of everything and dare not react, as advised by your mother of course....i have unfortunately have been uncovering a lot of buried memory of that man, and they all screamed narc. i knew he cheated on my mom, i even asked her about it once. part of me knew, fucking KNEW that he was absolute shit....he never told any of his children that he loved them until they already left the house btw. One of the alters in my system is named Stevie which is interesting because my father is names Stephen but goes by Steve. Stevie delights in hurting the people who have hurt us (and omg the shit i did to my ex narc who btw i forgot what fake name i was giving for her story so il just tel you. her name is Caite while Stevie hosted). Stephen delights in hurting everyone. ...idk its just interesting, and helps to explain why i was so blinded my Caites shit. everyone in my family had to deal with loving a narc and we just thought it was normal. most of them are still unaware of the trauma bond they are in....sucks to suck i guess. 

[neurodivergentchaosking]

[neurodivergentchaosking]

Crawling out of the depths of depression to find that…

I smell like shit. My clothes smell like shit. My house smells like shit. My bathroom reeks of piss and My teeth look like shit. Also, when the fuck have I’ve eaten, how am i alive rn?

Tomorrow for damage control.

[neurodivergentchaosking]

My Autistic self

My learning of being autistic has been interesting.

theres the denial, and the internalized ableism, that was fun.  Don’t forget realizing that everything you do that you thought made you cute and unique are simply extensions of autism..manic pixie my ass

also realizing that you used to pick fights with your husband because of a sensory overload and incorrectly expelling your rage would feed into the toxic cycle (that we both overfed) that ended our relationship. yayyy

I mean, i am glad that i am listening to my body and practicing setting boundaries (which he has never even blinked at, that wonderful man), but ug its so hard. 

WHY DID MY MEAT SUIT COME WITH HIGH SUCH MAINTENANCE AND LIMITED MOBILITY???? 

Not saying that being autistic doesn't have its advantages. im interesting, “quirky”, fun, magnetic, empathic, and very deeply loyal and loving (those are just some wonderful traits that peeps with autism can experience). But being autistic in late-stage capitalism....fucking nightmare

[neurodivergentchaosking]

All i want is my cabin in the woods

[neurodivergentchaosking]

Unpacking more Trauma from the Narc

My ex, Mary, was a vile a cruel creature in general, but how in the fuck did i not see how fat phobic she is? She def had an ED but wouldn't admit it and i tried to get her to see it but she rather be skinny-which i get (i also have an ED).

I actually was in recovery from an ED- even though i refused to call it that. i would just refer to it as “ that time-period where i starved myself” (there were a few times) .one time-period from age 16-20. second time period was when i was in the Navy. and the third would be now. and it started when Mary started to get more involved in my life digitally (she was still in Japan)

She was the type of person who watched my 600 lb life because it “made her feel better about herself”. *gag* . She would always make side comments and “jokes” about my weight while aggressively ridicule any woman who dare have cellulite. She would make faces at my body or find reasons to say something- ug her “friend”- the one whos abusive ex she is fucking- gained a ton of weight and is having medical problems from it. she showed me pictures and laughed at her and shit....i was so fucking BLIND....she also told her that she cant be a nurse cuz shes too fat.. like wtf???

luckily i am eating enough most days now, i am gaining weight but who the fuck cares? study after study shows that as long as you intake healthy food and are active, then youre healthy, bmi is a shit way to measure “health” i even when out in a crop top-no stomach gripping- fully cute chubby belly for the olive garden to see...i looked hot af...so luckily i can heal from the BS that triggered a relapse. 

[neurodivergentchaosking]

I have been on autopilot

i dont want to die-which is surprising, but is a brief coma too much to ask for?

[neurodivergentchaosking]

stalking,ghosting, fucking, and more stalking.

Stalking A and ghosting kind of go together- I tried to ghost Anna for like weeks, but she keeps snapchatting me (i dont want to block her cuz she leaves her gps on and it helps to know when she shows up to my apt), showing up to my apt at random and leaving unsmokable weed on my porch...so yeah, thats been happening- fucking crazy

My and my husband are dating again!!! im so glad cuz i love him so much. and omg has he improved in the bedroom, my delicious little whore :3...safe to say there a lot of high hopes in the renewal of our relationship status

so i debated on even sharing this-imma admit, def not my proudest moments. so my ex gf gave me one of her old phones to sell and she said that she did a factory reset...but ummm...she did not...she just scrubbed the phone..and not as well as she thought she did. so i may have been deleting random photos for like 2 weeks straight before finally chucking it for good...this i what i have learned...

this fucking monster is currently fucking one of her besties former ABUSIVE AF boyfriend who has been obsessed with her as long as i can i remember.. she also finally got that fugly hair cut that makes her look like an ugly man....the one that i was trying SO hard to convince her to get. lmao...also her rat chewed a huge ass hole in her wall lol.. so its safe to say that she is doing terrible and i can now move on and obsess over other things. yayyyy

stay tuned for more fuckery

[neurodivergentchaosking]

BREAKING NEWS (pertaining to me)

as i finished up my last post with the shittiest of proof reads.....my husband messaged me that his step mom just passed away...idk from what yet..or if hes okay. he did like her i think. def likes her more than the bio unit he was originally assigned (thats a whole post unto itself)..he knew her most his life. 

unfortunately my brain decided that i should note the possibility of his dad dying soon after because that is usually how old peeps go....and i almost verbally said this to him like wtf is wrong with me?  anyways. he seems..been talking while typing..he seems okay...i just wish i could be there for him...but noooooo i had to sell my fucking car to pay off debt and reduce my effect on the environment like a dirty fucking hippy...so the only way i could see him is if i packed my kitty up and hopped on like 4 different buses with a total traveling time being 3 hours (plus a little)  with a cat who will not be confined that long and stay nice or happy.

i just want him to be okay...also imma flex my psychic muscles real quick

last week i was wondering when he was going to CXL one of our days for time with his dad

and when we were talking earlier today i had a feeling he was going to cancel this week.

i will mention none of this to him...i have a bad have it if saying I KNEW IT!...and then realizing that was entirely innapropes..oopsie poopsie...looks like i made a fucky wucky ...so uh....lets get it right this time...ug i need ouid

[neurodivergentchaosking]

Brief sadboi catch-up

A few things that i am going to mention in the blurb. 1) My former friend Anna (2) some petty ex stuff (3) my weedless journey

surprise surprise, Anna did in fact ditch me for her shiny new friend. love being reminded that literally everybody ditched me the first chance they get. Abandonment issues? me? noooo. ug , the kicker is that i told her what happens and that bitch had the AUDACITY to act all sympathetic and do the exact fucking thing...she was kinda annoying me anyways (but thats not the point).

I am feeling restless today, and i keep replaying thing Mary said to me over and over and over....so i decided to do a thing....i signed her up for txts and emails for trump and republican updates (shes left AF so its perfect)....and i feel better...now to stalk the accounts to see is exasperation has hit.....i am completely aware that i am incredibly unstable, but this made me feel better so fuck it...friendly reminder she tried to kill my cat and threatened to kill me...don’t feel bad for the incest muppet

i ran out of my ouid budget...and im trying to stick to my budget now that i paid off my credit card debt..so i just dont get to smoke weed for a whole week and a couple days..this is day 1: i dont like it. my ADHD is driving me fucking nuts. i want to tear of my skin because my blood feels like its vibrating cuz i downed too much caffeine to calm down...so now i am very uncomfortable in my own skin...and Aunt flow thought it would be an excellent time for a visit and she is the biggest pain in the back...also quite messy...what a bitch...if you think i am still talking about an actual aunt...go away and read a book.

[neurodivergentchaosking]

Night out with the husband

IDK if my whole 3 followers are keeping up, but i know i mentioned my complex sitch with the hubby

it got WEIRDER but i have no regerts

i took him out to thank him for being so supportive, and we went to a semi-smancy place for dinner, had some drinks...then we walked to a bar and got hammered. Had so much fucking fun

my foolish little self told him to kiss me...and that was all it took for us to be a tangle of limbs of tongues...and i usually fucking loathe PDA...but we was drunk as all fuck..we quickly left the bar and ordered a ride home, my beautiful husband vomited before getting in the car and then about 1/4th of a mile from my place he had the car pull over and he vomited on the side walk.

we got to the apartment...and the sequence of events are lost on both of us at that point, but it did involve, puking in a basin (so responsible of me) but then spilling the basin on the carpet (the klutz in me). making out/ fucking in the living room maybe idk it was blurry. we took a bath together idk why the fuck we thought that was a good ideas (water was fucking everywhere) . fucking on the narrow bathroom floor. spilled out to the living room- slammed into my closet and busted the door- my husband was wailing about being drunk and i had to tell him to shut the fuck up.

my neighbor comes and bangs on my door hella upset (which is fair), but he wouldn't tell me why exactly and i am very autistic so i was just crazy confused and then started BAWLING (after the dude left). -the neighbor apologized for knocking on my door, he thought we were hurting each other...im assuming he realized we were fucking each other by now.

anyways next morning so many cuddles...he’s like “do you want to finish what we started last night” hehe naughty boy...unfortunately i said its a bad idea and we need to reestablish boundaries and then we talked about how all we gotta do is go to therapy and then we can hit the restart button on our relationship ( and go MUCH slower this time)....so that was positive.

Also i am covered in bruises and one laceration thats right next to my AC..and i don't remember how i got them though. i have bite marks and a couple that suspiciously resemble a part of a handprint....i just want to know where the bruise between my ass cheeks came from.

also i got a woman's number at the bar but she hasnt txt back :/

[neurodivergentchaosking]

Sadly accurate.

[neurodivergentchaosking]

[neurodivergentchaosking]

[neurodivergentchaosking]

[neurodivergentchaosking]

brains say, "I know a spot" and take you to a traumatic memory from 2011