#I do think she is secretly more progressive than she consciously understands

[ariadventures]

Every time I’m in Houston, I stop by an Asian bakery to bring back fun and fancy breads before I head to the airport. Our cashier was trans. On the drive home, my mother expressed surprise, and then a moment of silence before her next carefully worded sentence. “In this world, people take different paths to reach their own happiness.” Sometimes I think she’s close to understanding it and it gives me false hope

[trainingdummyrabbit]

I Am So Glad You Asked!!!

So basically... Tokitoswap! a swap au in which the tokis and the kamados swap roles-- yui swapping w/ tan, and mui swapping with nezzy. 

aka: Two Twins Have A Bit Of A Worse Time Than Usual And Suddenly Find Themselves In The Middle Of A Thousand Year Struggle Between Humans And Demons (Which Are Real By The Way)!

. it also happens to be an exercize in having a concept, going “hey, wouldnt it be funny if--?” and then it sticks and you have to commit. i keep trying to explain in a way that Makes Sense, but im gonna be honest. theres just So Fucking Much going on and ive been trying to write this for hours and i dont even know where to start summarizing WAHAHAH. i dont know if its very Canon Aligned but it sure is very Me Aligned and i sure am gonna commit to the bit! anyway. 

its heavily in-progress and was supposed to be a clean one-role swap but! Well!!!! It Sure Isn’t Anymore!!! 

under the cut since im Incapable of keeping things short:

funy lil swap au! ft:  Yui: “Older” Brother who Thinks he’s in charge. a beleaguered 14-year-old who stumbled into being a slayer and super isn’t prepared for this. Unfortunately, having your sole remaining family turn into a demon is kind of antithetical to “go home and pretend nothing happened.” he is handling this very well. (lie) a user of wind-breathing, his main priority is keeping him and mui safe, and is a bit overprotective. which is a problem, since mui will charge headfirst into the first sign of danger to protect him. their relationship is a bit messy, but they’re pretty much the only thing holding each other together. a kid trying so hard to act bigger than he is-- and inevitably, routinely failing.

Mui: Odd Little Creacher secretly hiding Rage More Powerful Than A Thousand Suns. just barely surviving the attack of their family one fateful night by That Man, he manages to completely break the curse and hunger or being a demon through his own sheer will. unfortunately, he also completely loses control of himself and, in order to make sure that energy doesnt completely tear him apart, his consciousness completely mists over-- leaving him rather airheaded and distant in an attempt to hold back the roaring of a new power he cannot control. . but hes so silly!! ^w^ couldn’t hurt a fly!!

Murata: Some Fucking Guy who just so happened to get roped into all this. is just absolutely baffled this kid is out here slaying demons like this, and is honestly doing his best to make sure he doesn’t stupidly get himself killed. despite being at a higher rank than them, though, he’s kind of... well, he hasn’t gotten the hang of water-breathing techniques. try as he might, he just cant quite reach the same skill level as some of his peers. even still though, he has to keep trying. he has a job to do, and promises to keep. 

Susamaru: Professionally identifies as a Problem. a user of beast-breathing, she just kind of... shows up one day and starts antagonizing. originally started fighting the twins for the honestly-kind-of-reasonable reason of “That Kid Is A Demon And Thats A Fucking Problem” but got distracted messing with yui enough to get. kinda curious about the other one. she’s loud and brash and fucking annoying, but at some point she just... asserted herself. and never left.  she’s an odd case. ridiculously skilled at the whole slaying-demons thing, she just... doesnt seem to take things seriously. has a penchant for irritating people on purpose-- but its purely for the extent of understanding how they work. what makes them tick. she’s here for a good time, not a long time. most of her peers don’t like her much, but once she’s decided that she likes someone, theres very little she wont do for them. and these nerds just so happen to be next on the list. 

. all in all, its just these dorks against the world. there’s just. a ridiculous amount of mess ive written about how they function and how their arcs shape up, and while there Are some other roles and etc written up, my brain has been completely laser focused on These Four In Particular, so . \o/ ! anyway, heres a bunch of ambient sketches from all over the place of Them(tm)

[revoevokukil]

I could read your analysis of Cirillac'h endlessly.❤️ Would you mind answering a few more questions? 1.) Who fell in love first? 2.) What annoys them the most about their partner? 3.) What do they like best about each other? 4.) Do they bring out the best in each other, or the worst? 5.) How Ciri feels about Avallac'h's 'obsession' over Lara? 6.) Does Avallac'h ever regret manipulating Ciri into sleeping with Auberon?

Alright, this took a while. Thank you for these excellent questions on Ciri and Avallac'h!

1. Who fell in love first?

I think we can leave conventional pathways to falling in love behind the door with these two, for I believe when brought together both of them take one facet of “falling in love” to its extreme: our tendency to see the other person for “who we want them to be” rather than as the person they are. I think the tendency is pretty common in all of us – our contexts for arriving at mutual understanding are usually simply a little less wrought with barbed wire. We usually want to and begin to see the other for who they are before our make-believes eat them and/or us up. The nature of this dialogue between partners is one which I think Avallac’h’s and Ciri’s relationship should explore.

With Ciri the matter is a little less complicated overall, so I would say she is the one to progress first and faster down this path in the more... ordinary sense. By character, Ciri is outgoing, curious, and hands-on/open personality – moreover, her personality is still in formation. Unfortunately, her softest parts have been repeatedly badly sliced and diced. Neither does she have steady, healthy examples of romantic love to look up to for guidance (if we discount Calanthe & Eist, maybe; although these memories are hidden behind a wall of trauma – the fall of Cintra).

Ciri’s attachment and abandonment issues are a double-edged sword: they make her wary and cynical of affection as such, but they also make her gravitate toward sources of security, stability, displayed affection and understanding. Avallac’h by his personality, knowledge, and power is well-placed to offer all of these things – at face value. Ciri admires, trusts, and looks up to the elf in the books, being jealous even of another elven woman floating around him. The speed of her attachment to silver linings presenting is concerning, but very understandable. It displays hope. For Ciri is also fairly young and the processing of her trauma is on-going, having not really even started by the end of the books. Many bad things can still wash off her if they are supplanted by relatively steady good things. Ciri also gives off the vibe that she took Margarita’s “act now; wrongly or rightly, may that be revealed later” very seriously, which can translate into giving herself into situations, relationships, and unknown possibilities with increased openness and sincerity – even if she doesn’t wish to admit to the existence of feelings or understand them completely. By interacting comes understanding, right?

With her psychological profile, she seems to me more prone to falling into doing things in the name of feeling like she belongs and is loved/cared for, regardless of risks. So, I think, Ciri is the first to sincerely, secretly start entertaining the thought of there being something more meaningful and lasting between the two of them. She wants to be loved – the world’s kind of crap, though. And complementarily damaged people often gravitate toward each other, which doesn’t make things easy.

On the flip side of the coin, I think Avallac’h fell first for the “possibility” Ciri personifies, which is like falling in love with a shadow in Plato’s cave. She might, in fact, be the light shining into said cave after centuries, but he will not instantly and consciously want to tear down former well-known structures and begin studying the nature of this light for what it is. He is worldly, cunning, and messed up in his own web of fates. A person in his position cannot allow a vulnerability like that (it’s almost an insult in itself). Avallac’h at present (let’s say, pre-game canon/post-book canon) is very much more inclined to distance himself from his own emotions and the “target subject” – observe it behind the glass, provide stimuli, get feedback. Make it safe and manageable for himself first, if possible. If she gets something good out of it in the process as well, all the better – I think he is quite a bit more aware of Ciri’s potential triggers and mental hooks than Ciri herself is (may it comfort him when he is so terrified of being at the mercy of his own). He knows how emotions work, he knows how they have worked on him, and how he can induce them in another. Even if Ciri would call it manipulation it really isn’t, because after so long you just understand how some mechanisms evolve and function. Why would you not act in the fullest capacity of knowledge you have? The problem is of course the “self” part: this “self” of Crevan’s hasn’t had the opportunity to develop anything healthy and lasting; it might not even know how to immediately do that because there are so many unresolved issues. Perhaps he even thinks it kinder to spare Ciri of having to deal with and understand that which has piled up in his shadowy heart.

But... the possibilities.

Crevan falls first for the possibility of re-experiencing destiny as manifested in love. (He thinks it’s cerebral, but the joke’s on him. He has been cheated out of his destiny, and the hurt is pretty unambiguously personal.) I do not think this is limited to recapturing the likeness of old love, or about trapping her in Plato’s cave alongside him either (though the danger exists). A journey instead: an opportunity to question, understand, get back at destiny/love and transform it, overcome self and it, and “get it right” this time. To see clearly the other person and yourself, for once. Things can go wrong, since the journey is in essence a gauntlet. I wouldn’t delude myself by thinking he is not considering and indulging in all the ways in which to have his cake and eat it too, given the opportunity. Perhaps though, there are better and worse ways for accomplishing a good, lasting thing? If you have had centuries to wonder about your destiny and how to bring it into fruition in a manner that does not self-destruct, then one hopes you are a tad bit more sensitive to mere shadows on the wall (impressions of “rightness”), and will react accordingly. With love especially, you will know when something rings false. You will feel what you feel; the question is how will you deal with it? In monologue? Or dialogue?

2. What annoys them the most about their partner?

In Ciri – thoughtlessness/insensitivity & nihilism/impulse for destruction.

In Avallac’h – hypocrisy/bending of truth & extreme pragmatism/god’s eye distance from “the earthly.”

3. What do they like best about each other?

In Ciri – idealism/hopefulness against all odds (though it causes him pain and frustration too) & straightforwardness about wants/mischief.

In Avallac’h – sensitivity/eye for detail and the unseen at first glance (perspective shifts) & reliability (structure, put together, everything under control, gives strength)/humour.

4. Do they bring out the best in each other, or the worst?

Depends on the circumstances. Generally, I think they bring out the better parts of themselves by the tug-of-war between how they oppose each other, since at heart Ciri and Avallac’h actually share a common pain and a common desire and even a common sense of entitlement/injustice. The difference comes in in scale. So the question starts to be – how come we oppose each other instead of leaning on one another? What can be revealed there and what can change in both of us as a result of our relationship? What is necessary for life instead of barren wilderness?

Ciri and Avallac’h complement each other in many ways – in personalities and conceptually. Therefore, they don’t capsize the boat with too much of one or the other thing, if you see what I mean, but rather keep the thing balanced.

For instance with Lara and Crevan I think there was too much of “one thing” – too much Alder Gold in one cup; too special, too “unproblematic”, too powerful, too “meant to be”, too perfect. It’s like the pitch perfect garden that somehow still manages to look inert, while a wilderness garden thrives thanks to imperfection; thanks to having to struggle to get there. I think a similar capsizing can also happen with Ciri and Eredin – hedonistic delight in the worst of our natures, for example. Those are interesting relationships too. That said, I am more than certain that especially in the first decade of Crevan’s and Ciri’s relationship, there are plenty of moments in which they can hurt each other very badly due to failing to bend at the correct moment (neither does that too well).

5. How Ciri feels about Avallac'h's 'obsession' over Lara?

In Lady of the Lake, Ciri’s reaction to tearing open an old wound of Avallach’s is to apologise to the wizard. Now as readers aware of the context we can see that given the circumstances of Ciri’s stay at Tir na Lia (and the fact Crevan is old enough, I think, to get a grip of himself) this is ridiculous, even if Ciri is being rude and thinking only about herself. Leaving this judgment business aside though, did Ciri perhaps realise in that moment anything at all about the heart of the wizard – or about the way elves feel in general? How strongly and for how long they can feel, hold grudges, hold onto memories with centuries to spare? Ciri’s experiences with Auberon after all (who mourns not one but two people connected to Ciri) culminate in her comforting him and saying goodbye to him amicably, and though LOTL gives us almost nothing in terms of Ciri’s internal feelings, the change of her mental state, her reflections, I still think she does come to empathise on some personal level.

I think Ciri understands how much Lara mattered to Avallac’h without knowing the details. I think she understands the elf loved somebody dearly and sincerely, and it isn’t right to make light of that, especially considering Ciri’s own shaky experiences with “love”. I think it intimidates her and makes her wonder sometimes, and I think she resents it: for progressively changing reasons.

Initially, it’s about the inability to live up to the expectations that are set on her at Tir na Lia – there is very little elf left in her, Ciri admits, as she becomes progressively more subsumed and more willing to please the elves. (This is a longer topic concerning Ciri’s mental state at Tir na Lia, which Sapkowski does not explore.) We’re not only speaking about looks here, but also mentality. Of “playing a role” and impersonating a character with duties. Ciri has not finished forming her own identity in the first place, so the shadow of Lara is not so much about a competition with a ghost of a former loved one as it is about broad sense of identity confusion. It’s impersonal, still.

Later, after escaping and reuniting, after the re-establishing of rapport under different circumstances the resentment would become more personal – anger and sadness intermittently over sometimes being but a mockery of a beautiful memory to somebody with whom you are forming a relationship. It would make her question Avallac’h’s help due to her own shortcomings when she is feeling small and make her shrug and accept his help as one of those life’s weird inevitabilities (what can she do about his feelings, in the end?) when she is feeling strong. It would often sober Ciri, I think, and at times she would resent herself for the part of her that is still trying to be a bit more like an elf she did not know and cannot be – if only not to be alone in feeling the feelings. “If only you could love me just a little bit – for me.” I think that encapsulates it in the end when there is still hope in her. I think though that she realises the catch very quickly, and it will anger her despite ultimately leaving her in a position where the only thing she can do is be herself, and that’s that.

Because Lara is one of Avallac’h’s demons and a part of his life that Ciri can do very little about. She does not have to, in the first place. When Avallac’h tells Ciri “let us not return to that ever again” and hugs her, I think he is aware of something Ciri herself will become progressively aware of once she starts developing feelings for the elf – it is not only Avallac’h’s own thinking that holding onto the past will poison, but also Ciri’s. Bringing it up constantly and keeping it in mind on both of their side will let cynicism run rampant, and everything burns. Past cannot be wiped away (and shouldn’t be in order not to repeat the mistakes), but people can proceed by giving even more value to the present thanks to the past instead of detracting from the present because of the past.

The games give a pretty nice indicator of Avallac’h perhaps having embarked on this journey himself: “For those who remain, death should never be more important than life.”

I think Ciri in her insecurity will just take a little time to believe it.

6. Does Avallac'h ever regret manipulating Ciri into sleeping with Auberon?

In some respect, I would say no – because Avallac’h has a “greater good” in mind, and a duty to his people in the achieving of which a single individual’s discomfort matters very little. In fact, I think Auberon was the kindest choice all in all – if there was ever a marginal amount of choice involved, which there seems to have been with the alternative being Avallac’h himself and his laboratory.

Which leads me to my next point.

In some respect, I would say yes – because the alternative was Avallac’h himself and his laboratory. A laboratory our pragmatist geneticist, for someone so “ends justifying the means” oriented, is very reluctant to use. As a matter of fact, from the cold, ruthless perspective of “matters of state” I would be pretty cross with Avallac’h for not opting for the more fool-proof method (as opposed to Auberon – which is self-explanatory (Lara was his daughter, Auberon is depressed/weary of life, 650+)). Further, it makes me think the alternative was Avallac’h and/or his laboratory rather than simply the laboratory – which makes sense, as even though Auberon is genetically more similar to whatever Ciri (a mutant) retains of the original Elder Blood, Avallac’h himself carries Elder Blood in the form of having been a match for Lara.

So, my theory.

Avallac’h was always supposed to make up for what initially seemed as the loss of the Gene. Perhaps it was a loss, perhaps Lara knew something more about the future when engaging with Cregennan. Upon meeting Ciri for the first time in person, having so far only dreamed of her and observed her from afar, Crevan is left speechless. He doesn’t even give Ciri his name, though he has prepared a tower and a place for her to stay at. He leaves abruptly without a word, for an entire week.

During this week it becomes conclusively clear to him that he cannot do it – neither father the child nor take Ciri to his laboratory. Ciri bears Lara’s eyes. Instead, he turns with news to the one person who is probably even more hurt than he is by the past, by the loss of a daughter and a wife (both of whose eyes Ciri bears) – Auberon. Auberon and him are both ambitious individuals. Auberon’s reluctance to engage with humans is perhaps even greater than Avallac’h’s. They have talked about the Swallow, of Lara’s descendant, before; of what will happen to her. The end matters, and in the end only that. But the ruler of the Alder Folk is a ruler for a reason; his wisdom and maturity surpass Crevan’s. He sees what he has long seen and understood about his once son-in-law – it will be a mess. It will be kinder and safer for their blood not to be put under knife, nor to come in touch with the metaphorical knives of unresolved and revived feelings Avallac’h at that point is virtually full of. Moreover, nothing new can begin, unless something old ends first.

On his part, Avallac’h is also conducting a test of fate – if everything is meant to be, everything will be. If Auberon succeeds, then that is that. But Ciri’s role in Auberon’s life is to close a circle, and nothing comes of it. Something ends, something begins. (Crevan has foreseen this possibility in the branching tree of fate too.) Avallac’h, however, has done something similar to what Geralt did at his very first meeting with Ciri – I have written about it here.

Later, I think Avallac’h will regret sending Ciri to Auberon when he is left thinking back on how Ciri herself – the child of Destiny – offered herself to him.

As ending note to you: have you ever listened to Girlyboi's Whole ? That song is Ciri/Avallac'h to me.

---

If you like my writing, consider buying me a coffee. Thanks! ❤️

[airanahhbvhh]

An old google doc of my first impressions of animorphs books 1-27 :)

Rating all the Animorphs books (because i am secretly the biggest loser on the planet) *

1 - 7/10 - good start, I don't remember this one honestly

2 - 5/10 - this is the one where Rachel sneaks into Chapman’s house as a cat and we get that cool Melissa Chapman moment

3 - 8/10 - Tobias grapples with losing his humanity and comes out the other end of it deciding that he is neither entirely bird or boy (made me lowkey ship tobias and rachel) good first kinda deep resonant theme in the story

4 - 6/10 - Don’t really remember this one that well but they find Ax who is super fucking rad

5 - 6/10 - Does the entire cast deal with nightmares? The Kids get dismembered and traumatized as ants in pursuit of getting a spaceship for Ax. They get captured until internal politicking between Visser 1 and 3 get them out of it. Marco discovers his mom’s Visser 1 which sets up his character development for later, which is cool

6 - 7/10 - This one’s more about Jake handling Tom’s yeerk stuff, he gets a yeerk stuck in his head which was pretty cool, really liked seeing the actual psychology of the yeerks and how the one in his head slowly lost hope (You also think wow Tom is probably really miserable in his current situation, really puts it into perspective)

7 - 5/10 - big worldbuilding stuff, but I wasn’t a huge fan of the book; the Elemist offers them the opportunity to escape to a new planet and shows them the future, Rachel’s divorced parents drama, boring

8 - 10/10 - On an Animorphs scale immaculate and perfect in every way. Due to Andalite law, Ax doesn’t share everything with the Animorphs and this causes CHARACTER CONFLICT, my favorite thing, there's also a confrontation where everyone’s like Ax you need to tell us more, you get scenes of Ax learning about the human world which I love and it’s just the best (also a cool meeting with other andalites and he tells them about Seerow’s Kindness) (There's also an emotional throughline where Ax struggles with his responsibilities to his species and coming to terms with the way his culture contributes/ed to suffering with their inaction) (so incredibly pog)

9 - 6.5/10 - Cassie kills a termite queen which gives her an identity crisis, and she and Jake talk about the circle of life and whether or not they should abide by it (For some reason I can’t remember the Cassie books that well)

10 - 9/10 - Holy shit the cover to this one is so fucking funny, And actually a really good story Erek had to kill people and live with the memory forever because he’s a robot (and Marco’s all like “I was already forgetting as I went to sleep”) (smh flexing his human short term memory) Really fucking good

11 - 3.5/10 - Garbage, my least favorite so far, this is the time traveling rain forest one (good things never happen when you invoke time travel), boring tbh {in hindsight it wasnt that bad}

12 - 4/10 - Pretty boring, Rachel just has to do stuff with that Justin Bieber guy while dealing with what's the equivalent of genetic hiccups (his name is Jeremy Jason McCole)

13 - 7/10 - Not bad at all, this is the one where they save a pair of Hork Bajir and the Elemist kinda fucks with Tobias (Tobias gets the chance to actually have a normal life and doesn’t take it) (I wonder what Marco would do?) (Also not surprising he didn’t, Tobias has a crappy homelife and for some reason is willing to sacrifice a lot)

14 - 4/10 - Now this is boring, the area 61 one, totally skippable

15 - 8/10 - Marco is really struggling with being afraid of being a shark, feels ashamed of being scared. The one with the mentally enhanced hammerheads (Really cool how he and Rachel had that moment together where she told him she saw a submarine so that he wouldn’t think his mom died) (Also why can’t people pity him?, i don’t understand) Overall pretty good (Also I think something might come up in regards to him being suceptible to his transformations, cause he seems like more so than the other animorphs)

16 - 9/10 - The first Jake book that I really liked, good character conflict between him and Cassie (she kinda a hypocrite doe for asking him to end Fenestre’s life) (Yo did Jake burn down his house?) (At what point are human lives worth less than making small amounts of progress in the war?) (they’re actually a pretty good couple) It is pretty intense to see him grapple with making the wrong choice as the leader :0

17 - 8/10 - Very insensitive to the mentally ill, like egregiously so (wtf rachel?) Rachel brushing up against always feeling like she has to be the tough one (Marco’s great for copping to the fact and proudly admitting that he’s afraid) The one with the addictive oatmeal in the Kandrona (ok kinda based lesson at the end about respecting the mentally ill and homeless but still kinda soured by the way they talk about the mentally ill) (Jake is also a hypocrite he’ll do the oatmeal things for other people but he won't do it to his brother)

18 - 9/10 - Once again incredibly pog, Ax is struggling with his identity as a friend of the humans and an Andalite. He trusts the Andalite group when he shouldn’t and his friends get mad at him for casting them out (btw this book starts with Ax raiding a Cinnabon which is just so charming) They go and do space war on the Leeran planet which sounds pretty (There is again a meetup where everyone gets mad at Ax for siding with the Andalites [ which I love btw]) More character development for Ax yay

19 - 10/10 - Best Cassie book. Holy shit, so great I loved her discussions with the yeerk and then it went in her head and all her friends mourned like holy shit this was so good. The conflict in the story was way more interesting than the Average animorph story too. (Cassie is like super wrong about whether or not she should leave the team, but like the story made me have an opinion, like what?) (Super nice part about the value of those who arent like mindlessly logical and the necessity of people who arent entirely utilitarian for creating a better world after the war is over) Like Cassie needs to continue to fight in order to maintain her morally righteous position) but there's something to be said about the loss of humanity and kindness that this war takes away from these actual children. I don’t fault Cassie at all for wanting to leave. Also the Yeerks have an ideology. Kinda? Also I love the Karen Yeerk, her redemption was actually really well paced and actually didn’t come out of nowhere (unlike other pieces of media). (Seriously amazing, this book made me like Cassie)

20-22 - 10/10 - rated individually I might give the first two books 8’s and the third a 10 but I'm doing them all together cause they're a three part series. David is such a prick oh my god. I think though the best part of the story was what happened with Rachel realizing what this war is doing to her mentally and not entirely being ok with it. And oh my god that ending, it feels like it shouldn't have to be that way (fucking hell David) but there really wasn't another way out of it, David's just too much of a liability. And Rachel STAYING AND WATCHING as his life is destroyed is honestly so dark. (Cassie has really strong emotional intelligence, I guess, to create that plan) The ending and Rachel's growth really make these books for me.

23 - 7/10 - pretty good. This is the one where Visser 3 tries to impersonate Aria and reveals Tobias’ dad to him. I guess that's why he felt connected to Elfangor. In this one Tobias is still struggling with the duality of being both human and hawk. He vows to kill and regret.

24 - 6/10 - The Helmacron one. Found it pretty boring but the Hemacrons kinda made up for it. Liked their unquenchable thirst for conquest and suicidal bravery (kinda aspirational how delusional they were) (Also kinda funny how Visser 3 was put off by being shrunk down)

25 - 7/10 -The Arctic Adventures one. Also the one where Marco gets a date. They were pretty miserable there with the constant old and endless running. They also had to eat a seal corpse. (Marco said something like he felt he deserved the scratches of the baby seals for eating their mom, really sad) Marco’s conclusion was kinda just put the traumatizing mission out of your head, and also Marian doesn’t want to date you anymore. Not the greatest book for Marco.

26 - 6/10 - The Howler-Iskoort one. Pretty good, I liked the Howlers collective consciousness and how they were all children who didn’t know about what they were doing to others. Jake has more trauma now yaaaay…. (Cassie and jake kiss in this one) (not sure how they transferred those memories but that's my fault ig)

27 - 7/10 - I am so incredibly concerned for Rachel. **

* (honestly maybe not that secretly)

**This is the one where the Drode sees Rachel’s penchant for violence and offers her the opportunity to betray Jake. She does not tell him about it. Almost attacked Cassie in squid form. Also still really reckless. Still loves fighting. Seriously, I'm concerned.

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

I said I had a doctor appointment today, and that’s really only half true. It was a psychologist. Therapy.

And because my relationship with my emotions is Severely Fucked, and I’m experiencing A Lot of emotions but like, At a Distance right now (because of the health insurance nonsense), I told her that I was trying to connect with my emotions and like... stop feeling like I’m holding this huge part of myself at a distance?

I mercilessly suppressed and attempted to eliminate my emotions from the age of 8 years old until about 19. It was all self-directed and involves everything from Personal Taste to Constant Trauma to Nexus Weirdness, so I didn’t really get into Why with her, because I hardy get into Why in my own mirrorbook... but she made some suggestions.

And chief among them was writing them down.

So, I’ll try. To write about something, you have to.. let it be? Experience it? Know what you’re experiencing so you can figure out how to translate that experience into words? But I... can’t get over the part where I Mercilessly Side-Eye My Emotions.

I’m REALLY good at writing my THOUGHTS down. But feelings? What the fuck’s a feeling? How do you write about those? I can write at length about physical sensations, streams of consciousness, and Feelings But Vicariously, like through a character in fiction. But.... writing about my OWN emotions?

And I do mean reflexive, because the thing about reflexes is that they can be taught, honed, and trained into something Instinctive, even if it goes against the initial pre-training instincts. You practice something often enough and you get into the habit, and that habit becomes a reflex, something you do without thinking, immediately, automatically.

That’s how unwinding my emotions is. I feel something, I trained into myself the instinct to Shut It Down. Not just smothering it; not bottling it up. Literally convincing myself I didn’t feel it. I legitimately induced dissociation until the emotion calmed down. I would “coach” myself, talk myself down from it. I would analyze it to death, talk to myself in simultaneously self-soothing ways and convincing myself something didn’t matter enough to get upset over. I took the instinctive Anger and Sadness of a self-preservation instinct and turned it into detachment, training myself to defend myself with logic, rationale, and disinterest instead.

And I legitimately felt better for it, that’s the wild thing. I didn’t feel suppressed, I didn’t feel “the emotion building up”, I didn’t feel hurt or sad or frustrated. I felt... better.

But the thing is, I learned that in order to turn off my anger and fear and sadness, I had to turn off my joy and excitement and desire as well. I really do mean I tried to excavate ALL emotion from myself.

Though, when I was alone in my room, longing and sadness would trickle in, because... not to get all Teenaged Angst in here, but I felt like other people didn’t understand me. My stepmother constantly put me down for it. I would read a comic page about Raven angsting over Not Experiencing Emotion, and tears, unbidden, unforgiven, would prick my eyes, because gods, I knew what she meant, and I knew why it hurt.

Around age 16, I started feeling like I was almost forbidden this Essential Part of being human. It simply Wasn’t Safe for me to be emotional. I mourned, quietly, secretly, and briefly, that I didn’t understand how others would get so swept up in emotions that they’d cry, and then feel better for it afterwards. How they could just... feel something, and not fight themselves to manage it. Because this self-training was a constant struggle. Even after it became reflexive, my nature, between ADHD and PTSD and depression, is actually quite emotional. Quieting, soothing those parts of me that wanted to rage and sob my heart out and squeal with delight. Wouldn’t I look so foolish if I just burst into laughter and didn’t stop smiling all day? From such a high precipice of feeling, wouldn’t it hurt that much more when the stepmonster inevitably shot me down? And then, if I started crying, I’d never stop.

That was always the real danger: the emotions in me just wouldn’t stop. I’d learned that from a very, very young age. The real danger of feeling was the experience of the emotion itself, because if I let myself become emotional, it would feed into itself and grow so consuming that Nexus shit would go wild and it would suck me into a self-propagating vortex of nightmarish panic until I was so swept away that I’d lose myself.

So all emotion had to be monitored, limited, controlled. I still felt flickers of emotion, don’t get me wrong. But I never wallowed, rather hardened those emotions into icy determination. I trimmed the parts that got frostbitten away and turned my thoughts totally towards action. I mastered myself. I conquered my emotions. I disciplined my thoughts into feeding Betterment rather than Wallowing.

And there’s always a part of me that longs for the freedom to feel, to express that vortex. Controlling my emotions felt... right, but also wrong? Not like I was missing a part of myself, exactly, because the soothing and distancing still came from my own mind, and my desire to Live In Hard-Won Contentment Rather Than Pain was my choice, and that choice, that decision, became a force of nature. 

It wasn’t just for my sake, either. When I’m angry, I lash out. When I’m depressed, I’m inconsolable and drag others down. When I’m joyful, I’m reckless. (Not to mention, mirrorbook incidents. Weird shit happens when I get emotional, like REALLY weird shit.)

So... how do you unwind a habit that protected you, and others, for so long?

It’s... Emotions are strong, okay? They’re big. They’re scary. Especially in the past 5 years, there haven’t been a lot of Good ones. And the bad ones Hurt. I don’t want anything to do with them.

But logically, I know it’s healthier to let yourself experience emotions for awhile. Move through them. That’s what everyone in the org says. That’s what mindfulness says. That’s what behavioral treatment says.

But also logically, I know that the emotional stability I’ve trained into myself is sometimes necessary, to gather information and make good decisions. Like I have to do to pick a health insurance plan.

I feel like I have to hold my fear and sadness at arms’ length, or I’ll be crippled into indecision, and thus inaction.

I know myself too well to trust myself with Feeling an Emotion.

I don’t think I can afford the Struggle to Reel it In while trying to ~get acquainted~ with a Feeling right now.

But, gods.... Especially with the org stuff, my personal projects, my writing, I’ve been unearthing some of those deeply-buried Desires and Joys. With healing has come the washing up of old hurts. I’m tempted left and right to Feel Things, and make it personal, make it matter, make it last.

But though I kind of want to try easing myself into Knowing Emotions, I almost... don’t feel like I have the courage to face myself completely unrestrained.

I’ve been trying to get back in touch with my emotions for 5, maybe 7 years now. And every time I make progress, I feel like.... it’s almost like I get scared again. I fall back into the age-old habit of Undermining my own Feelings. 

I legitimately don’t know how else to deal with them.

[writeouswriter]

How would you write a love triangle?

I’ve been shirking answering my asks for months, I still have some in my inbox from July (which I deeply apologize for, I am working on them, I swear), but I wanted to answer this one because it got me thinking, how would I?

 I personally don’t enjoy love triangles, and one of the only ones I’ve read that was done marginally well wasn’t a major part of the plot, it just sort of happened. Her relationship built gradually with each guy, but there was never that pressure that she had to choose between them, no painful back and forth, no torment, no “I love character A! But ooh character B! Maybe in another life!” She wasn’t looking for romance, she wasn’t thinking about having to make that choice, but one day she had that moment of realization that she already did. Sure it crossed her mind once or twice over the course of the series what it might be like to have more of a relationship with either, but it was just a passing thought, you know? And in the end, there was no major heartbreak, just a simple let down and mutual understanding. The audience of course knows this was a love triangle from the start, picking teams, rooting for one or the other, but the thing is, the main character didn’t. To us, it’s a choice. To them, it just is. (Also in this setup, usually Protagonist isn’t thinking about romance until it hits them in the face that this slow burn was building up this whole time, Character A is usually openly thinking about romance, and character B (the one they end up with) has been secretly thinking about romance, but not always.) I’m kind of a fan of this if it’s done right. Always slow burn though! Insta-love, and it’s more evil, more powerful twin, insta-love triangle will kill me instantly on the spot if I have to read it one more time.

What I find often goes wrong with this trope, and this may sound ridiculous, is that the author is trying to write a love triangle. Often the two “love interests” are polar opposites. (Golden Boy who has done no wrong VS. Bad Boy who may’ve committed murder or multiple crimes is the common go to on that front). The choice between the two of them is constantly, and I do mean constantly, on the protagonist’s mind and they’re painfully aware of that choice with each passing page. Or worse, the protagonist has already started a romantic relationship with one of them and has been all lovey-dovey half the book when they start catching feelings for the other and are all like noooo I can’t break Character A’s heart, I love them! But hubba hubba Character B, (which is just a painfully obvious setup for heartbreak for the person they’re currently with) and it’s just tiring because for one thing? The reader is almost NEVER torn. Chances are they have a type (secretly nice bastard for the win over here!) and they’ve made their choice pretty early on, so while the protagonist is getting all cozy with character A, or doing their whole dramatic go between, the reader is rolling their eyes and going “ugh”  until they eventually end up with character B. It’s mainly a frustrating concept to me. 

But anyway, the question was how would I write a love triangle? The answer? I usually wouldn’t. But for the few times I was drawn to include one in my WIP, here is how it goes:

1. I don’t start off writing a love triangle, I never go into a story with the intention of writing one. I have my main character, I have my secondary main character, but then if a third they happen to have chemistry with just happens to appear, I let it run its course. I don’t really think about it, I just write, and pretty much want to see how it turns out just as much as the audience.

2. My two quote unquote “love interests” are not on opposite sides of the spectrum personality wise, they share traits, they share flaws, and they can both play into a certain “type” so the choice is not as plain and simple to the reader as bad boy, golden boy. (Because you know 90% of the time, it’s going to be bad boy)  

3. The two quote unquote “love interests” are never touted as such. The audience knows protagonist will eventually choose one or the other because that’s just the formula here, but the protagonist does not know that. The protagonist is not thinking of either of them in any kind of romantic way except maybe in passing, you know like “he’s cute,”or “hey, that’s a sweet gesture”, their focus being on the main plot, (unless your main plot is the romance), but slowly through little things with both of them (maybe one more than the other), small interactions, defining moments, big events/conflict they go through during the course of the plot, no romance yet! Just a huh what if kind of vibe with the two, like a slow burn, bam, she’ll wake up one day and realize maybe there’s something more there, and she’ll look at both of them, maybe be a little internally torn for a moment, but there will be that one defining moment, you just know it, when she realizes she’s fallen for one of them and she can’t change that, maybe it’ll culminate with a sudden kiss or a simple look or something else, maybe the other character is a little sore, but it’s not a choice she has to make, not consciously anyway, it’s just something that happened, and she didn’t even realize it was happening until now. And the audience still has that built up tension of who will she choose? There’s still the suspense. But for the protagonist it’s just a natural progression.

And I don’t start by building a romance, I start by building basic relationships. If any of that makes sense I don’t know, but there is my answer. Also, everyone go read Kelley Armstrong’s City of the Lost, I am in love with Eric Dalton, but no one knows who that is, I want to gush. FYI, Kelley Armstrong’s Darkest Powers Trilogy is the well done love triangle I’m referring to in the first part of my answer. Loved that so much, top 3 favourite series, first love triangle I could appreciate.

[megabadbunny]

the art of inscription

Rose x Ten and Rose x Tentoo; a continuation of a DW Inbox Buddies fic I wrote a hundred years ago, resurrected and completed in honor of Rose x Tentoo week. <3 <3 <3

*~*~*~*~*~

It’s Gallifreyan, that much is certain. He can’t quite make out the script—no time for parsing out the arches that denote gliding vowels, the circles portraying sibilant fricatives, not when she pulls her cuff over her wrist so quickly it gives him whiplash—but even in that glance, the shape is unmistakable, the meaning undeniable. The way she can’t meet his eyes as she buttons the traditional cuff around her forearm only confirms it. The name on her wrist is his.

(Rose can’t read it, of course, but it mirrors his own writing exactly, echoing the spidery script that peppers the TARDIS console in a flurry of sticky notes, reminding him to fine-tune the propulsion system or repair the exotic matter trap. Some notes posted around the TARDIS bear Rose’s mark as well, with little scribbled cat’s-ears or bunny-faces or sly jokes, and sometimes, she’ll even try duplicating his writing, trying to match the lines and whorls.)

No, she can’t read the script on her wrist; yes, she still knows what it means.

The cuff slips and Rose smacks her other hand down on it, holding it in place and punishing it for ever daring to move at all, and only then does the Doctor notice how very hard she’s trembling. (The Doctor, for his part, doesn’t tremble; not on the outside, anyway.) He frowns. 

“You’re shaking,” he says. “Are you all right?” 

She nods. “S’just a little cold here.”

(It’s 27.6 degrees Celsius, and sunny.)

“So,” says the Doctor, shoving his hands in his pockets to disguise their fidgeting, “Yue-Lao Twelve, home to the infamous Pearl Island mystery, renowned planet of the so-called soulmarks. What do you think?”

“I think I should have believed you,” Rose replies, shaking her head. “But it still seems like a bunch of magic mumbo-jumbo to me.”

“Awww, Rose Tyler. With everything we’ve seen, you still think this sort of thing isn’t possible? Don’t you know better by now?”

“You know what? You’re absolutely right,” Rose says, flipping her hair over one shoulder and meeting his gaze with a flat stare. “Shall we go on a leprechaun hunt next?”

“Certainly!” the Doctor beams. “I’ve always wanted to find one.”

Rolling her eyes, Rose laughs, swinging one hand into his. Fingers fit together like strands of a braid and they bound away, in pursuit of any facts they can glean about this fabled Pearl Island event. And after a few moments, thoughts of this soulmark business have almost completely vanished from his mind; the Doctor can almost believe that the adrenaline speeding up his heartsrate is spurred on only by this newest adventure, nothing more.

(He is in no great hurry to check his own wrist; he already knows what he’ll see there.)

***

 A universe and a galaxy and a regeneration away, he panics.

“It’s like that one place we went to--you remember the one,” says Rose happily, looping an arm through the Doctor’s. As well as she can in the thin light of the moon, she inspects the underside of her wrist, which, much as it was several years ago, is now once again adorned with the Doctor’s disjointed chirography. “In the other universe. Something Island. Remember?”

“Erm,” he says, his mind racing to think of something he can say or do to play for time, and failing spectacularly.

“D’you remember?” Rose asks expectantly.

Yes is the correct answer, but the Doctor doesn’t say it, because he’s afraid of all the words that will come after (or more precisely, the words that won’t). So instead, he says, “Well” and “You see” and “Erm,” again.

Rose’s eyes narrow in suspicion. The Doctor’s hands twitch nervously with the need to hide behind his back.

“Oh my god,” says Rose, softly.

The Doctor gulps.

Her face breaks into a wide grin. “You forgot, didn’t you?”

“Now, I wouldn’t say that,” he tries to protest, but Rose is too busy laughing. “You did!” she chuckles, lighting up the garden with her usual megawatt-bright smile as she teases the Doctor with a nudge of her elbow against his ribs. “You forgot all about it, you forgot all about that planet-of-the-soulmarks thing! Oh my god, for once I remembered something better than you!”

“You must be very proud,” the Doctor says wryly, and, still laughing, Rose nods. She tucks a wayward strand of hair behind her ear, sighing; for a half-second, the name on her wrist is on full display, and even amidst the panic clenching his throat, the Doctor feels warmth, at the sight of it.

“It was Pearl Island, by the way,” he says. “In the other universe.”

“Yes! That was it. Pearl Island. Planet of mystery. Did you ever check back in with the rebels?”

“Indeed I did,” the Doctor replies, privately grateful for the chance at a distraction, and he steps away from the TARDIS, pulling his arm out of Rose’s grasp. “Fascinating story, actually, I’d originally planned to visit a decade later, make a progress report of sorts, but a timestorm near the Horsehead Nebula threw the TARDIS completely off-course--you know what they say, a timestorm a day keeps the Doctor away--”

“Wait, wait,” Rose laughs, catching up. “Show me!”

The Doctor’s mind goes blank. “I--what?”

“Oh, come on. I showed you mine both times, you kept yours hidden back then. You gonna show me yours now, or what?”

“Show you my what?” asks the Doctor, as alarm bells start ringing somewhere at the back of his mind. He picks up his pace.

“Don’t be daft. Show me your wrist, show me the soulmark-thing!”

The Doctor hesitates (but doesn’t let up in speed). “Of course I would, but it’s just--It isn’t as if it actually--It’s--it’s like you said last time,” he stammers, fingers opening and closing nervously. “Just a bunch of mumbo-jumbo, isn’t it? Not really anything all that significant, wouldn’t recommend taking it too seriously in the end, it’s certainly not anything worth making any life-altering decisions over--”

Rose piques an eyebrow, in amusement or concern, he can’t tell.

“--and as officers of science, it would hardly do for us to make any sort of to-do over something that barely registers on Phleighton’s Rules for Psychic Governance, would it? Can’t be higher than .0348 PD’s, maybe .0349 PD’s, tops. Fascinating set of Rules, those, did I ever tell you how Phleighton came to write them? Did she write them in this universe? Let’s go--”

Rolling her eyes, Rose grabs his hand before he has a chance to react, anchoring him to her.

“--find out,” the Doctor squeaks as he tries to step back and yank his hand away, but it’s too late--Rose has already pushed his jacket-cuff back, revealing the underside of his wrist to the world. He flinches, unable to look down at his arm, only capable of looking at Rose as his blood pressure plummets like an anvil. He wills her, silently, to understand.

It doesn’t mean anything, he wants to tell her (wants to shout), but something has slithered into his vocal chords and strangled them. It’s incredibly common for Time Lords. Even if it wasn’t, it’s insignificant. It doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t change how I feel. Please--

“You know how much I love you, right?” he blurts out.

Rose looks up at him and--and is that a smile?

“Of course I do,” she says. “Why wouldn’t I?”

Dumbfounded at this reaction, the Doctor looks down at his wrist, dreading, in cold sickening advance, what he knows he’ll find there. Except--

Except it’s not blank at all, this time. This time, his wrist has got Rose’s name on it.

Blinking, mouth open in surprise, the Doctor pulls his hand out of Rose’s, examining the mark on his arm. The name would almost be difficult to make out, if the Doctor wasn’t already familiar with Rose’s rushed and messy penmanship, but it’s there, clear as day. Rose Tyler. 

“You look surprised,” Rose chuckles. “What, didn’t think my name would be there?”

It wasn’t always, he almost replies.

He shakes himself. “Oh, so that’s what it says,” he replies instead, forcing on a grin. “Glad you cleared it up for me, couldn’t tell, what with the sloppy handwriting--”

“Oi, as if yours is any better!” Rose retorts, holding up her wrist for proof, but he ignores her words in favor of stepping forward to frame her face in both hands and pull her up for a kiss. It isn’t even something he consciously plans on doing; it’s as if his body has a completely separate mind of its own, and that mind is so glad that Rose’s name is on his wrist, it just can’t bloody help itself. It’s got to seal the deal with a kiss, lips on lips and comingled breaths and chests pressed close and one hand tangling in her hair. It’s a physical imperative, a sheer necessity, an utter need. All of it. (All of her.)

(Not that the Doctor’s complaining. Or Rose, for that matter.)

When he pulls back to catch his breath (stupid human lungs, how dare they), it’s to see a very flushed and smiling Rose, and secretly, he’s quite pleased to see that even after all these months, he can still elicit such a reaction from her.

“Is everything okay?” she asks, softly. “Are you all right?”

He beams at her. “Never been better.”

(He kisses her, again.)

[eponymous-rose]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E32 (August 28, 2018)

Tonight’s guests are Liam O’Brien and Sam Riegel!

Announcements: 

No Talks Machina next Tuesday, but they will be back the following week to discuss episode 33 of CR. Next Tuesday, instead of Talks, they’re filming something very special for the new channel. Sam: “You are? Oh, god.” 

Handbooker Helper premieres tomorrow at 10 AM Pacific Time at youtube.com/criticalrole! The first episode focuses on dice basics. 

There’s a new charity drive for the Pablove Foundation, dedicated to research toward ending children’s cancer; they’ve already hit the first $20k benchmark, which means Sam will be DMing a game of Crash Pandas! The next goal is $50k, which will be used to establish a research grant.

@critrolestats for this episode:

Nott has successfully disguised herself 12 times since the campaign started.

Caleb’s most-cast spells (in order): Alarm, Firebolt, and Identify.

The party has spent 55 of their 81 days together on the road.

Gustav’s sentence in Trostenwald lasted 77 days. He averaged about 7 gold, 8 copper per day of work.

Is Nott freaked out after her adventure with Jester went so badly? “Nott is always freaked out to do anything, but is starting to loosen up a bit and trust that-- at least up until this last episode-- trust that her friends could get her out of most scenarios. Maybe she’ll be a little more hesitant in the future.” She might “take one of the responsible ones along, like Fjord or Caleb.” Liam: “Yeah, you should bring someone sharp and level-headed, in case you need to go to a hospital...”

Caleb loves that a fan points out the parallels between Caleb’s similarities to the protagonist in the Dark Tower books: “Caleb wants to do really specific things, and he is not done with that. They’re potentially harmful, and I think that before he started traveling with these people, the main thing was getting them to trust me, and form a working relationship, but the bigger problem now is, does their friendship become a problem? Do I want to get close to you if I know potentially that I’ve got to walk away from you at a bad moment?” There’s another element he can’t talk about yet where he took more direct inspiration from The Dark Tower. He’s not sure yet which way Caleb will end up veering, and whether there’s a point where he’ll prioritize his friends over his long-term goals. “For all characters, there’s what he tells himself is the deal, and what’s really the deal. I’m enjoying not knowing where the hell it’s going.”

“Nott doesn’t really much care about Gustav, but also does not give a shit about money. It’s a means to an end for her.” Other than providing a little security for herself and Caleb, “the other stuff is way cooler, the little buttons and stuff.” When the opportunity came to pay so much for Gustav’s release, “she was like, ‘Yeah, sure, great.’”

Sam and Nott both wanted to know more about Molly’s past. Liam wanted to know, but Caleb didn’t care. Especially since Molly emphasized not caring about his past, and they didn’t know each other too well, Caleb was satisfied to just take that at face value. Molly’s experience was also interesting as a complete opposite to Caleb’s own experience of being completely consumed by his past.

Sam and Liam talk about how they both think about the show constantly throughout the week. Liam: “And I also spend 10% of my week thinking about Vax, too.”

Gif of the Week: Caduceus learns how much money 400 gold is. There may or may not be a live voiceover version of the text.

Why does Caleb still use fire? “Caleb feels like he needs to work through it, ‘cause fire’s not going anywhere. Maybe something that will come out eventually is the reason that fire is his first and he has a real affinity for it now. The fire is natural progression. The Fireball is something that Caleb got just from leveling up, so I took that for him to be understanding what he can already do and magnifying it. It’s the strongest weapon in his arsenal. He needs to master the misery and the pain so he’s ready to deal with facing his ex-teacher someday, or other people.” On Beau being the one to bring him back each time lately: “He likes that. It’s a flawed friendship, it’s not affectionate the way Caleb and Nott is, but that’s okay. The instinct to bet big and tell her everything came from a sense of shared interest, and shared point of view. They’re still very different, but there’s a lot in common there.” A lot of the things she does has been reaffirming his choice to take a chance on her.

Nott’s aware that she’s been more and more powerful, and so she’s been drinking less in battle situations. “She’s still skittish and gets nervous about stuff, but they’ve survived and succeeded in enough fights now that she’s becoming a little more brave.” Liam asks if Nott knows how gifted she is. Sam: “She’s aware that she can do things better than other folks in the group, but she probably would not think those things are the most spectacular.” Liam talks about how Caleb and Nott are “two different kinds of gifted weirdos.” Sam: “Just like us. Except for the ‘gifted’ part.”

Caleb was impressed by Caduceus’ approach to the Ettin encounter.

Sam: “Something that I just decided about goblins: they have short lifespans, and they’re also super brutal and just attack and they’re mean and get hungry and all this stuff, so I just thought, maybe goblins are just like unrestrained id.” A lot of Nott’s character came from that thought.

It felt really strange for Nott and Caleb to be welcomed by Alfield when they arrived. Caleb’s concerned about their amplified visibility in the Empire, which isn’t sitting well with him. At least when they’re affiliated with the Gentleman and the criminal element, it keeps the visibility away. Nott’s hesitant to be in the spotlight, but has also realized that cheering means fewer thrown rocks, so that’s good.

Fanart of the Week: Jester and Caduceus strolling through town.

There’s a brief foray into autoerotic asphyxiation. As you do.

Liam, Taliesin, and Marisha have all met SideBySamuel. The mystery continues.

Caleb on the dodecahedron: “It’s a little too perfect.” It confirms what he believes---that it has to be possible to manipulate time---and drives him forward. He wonders about the source that this thing is a splinter of. He’s also wondering if the Academy’s project is one and the same. “Time travel is good. It definitely does not endanger present reality.”

“What is Talks Machina, Brian?”

Brian: “We have to put a stop to this.”

Sam: “On the surface, Nott noticed that Caleb mentioned Astrid and probably just thinks that it would be nice to have a young lady in his life.” Dani: “I called your ex-girlfriend the other day, and we’re having lunch.” Sam: “I hear she’s a doctor...” Liam: “I’m tired of coming over to these dinners, ma.” Sam: “I hear the wizard down the street got married...”

Liam on Astrid: “That would be bad stuff. Bad news. I don’t know if it’s good or bad, but it’s complicated.” Sam: “Astrid has got to be either super bad guy now, super dead, or something else we don’t know about.” Liam: “One of the many things Caleb wonders about every night before he goes to sleep, about both his friends. He doesn’t know. It’s been 16 years since he saw them last.” He’s 33 now. The fire happened when he was about 16, he was in the asylum for 11-ish years, and then he was traveling on his own for about five.

Nott worries about Caleb “about the same” in battle, but she’s definitely noticing the others stepping up, especially Beau, to watch out for and protect him. Sam points out that Liam’s strategy has been excellent lately to keep Caleb out of danger. “Nott always has an eye on Caleb, and Sam always has an eye on Caleb.” Liam: “That’s what Vax did. I would override common sense consciously because I thought it was in-character.” He still has to suppress his first instinct to have Caleb fling himself into danger for his friends.

On the surface, Caleb knows it’s not a good thing for Nott to be so affectionate toward him, but deep down, Caleb really appreciates Nott’s affection. “With Beau, there’s no affection, but he feels like he should be called an asshole and a shit, and he feels like he deserves it. It will keep him sharpened and on task.” He likes, on an unconscious level, what he gets from both of them for different reasons.

Which pet does Nott want to eat first? The weasel. Definitely. Sam ventures a theory that the pets represented the members of Vox Machina. The truth is out there, Sam.

To Caleb, it felt a bit wrong to turn his back on the Empire given everything that’s happening right now and everything that has to happen there in the future.

Talks Machina: After Dark: When It Gets Dirty (Big Dick Peanut Butter Energy)

Liam brings out both his Speak-n-Spell voice and his ~Cuddlefish~ voice. He also does a Nott impression. Sam: “You sound like Miss Piggy on acid.”

Nott’s not looking forward to the beach. Caleb’s interested in the beach in a Death in Venice kind of way. Brian ventures a guess that they’re going to discover that Caleb’s just inexplicably super ripped.

What tricks do they want to teach the pets? Liam: “Maybe ‘Die Instead Of Me’.”

Does Beau secretly have a gooey center? Sam and Liam, in unison: “Ask Keg.”

Nott feels safe with the M9 around, not because they protect her, but because they protect each other. “She’s always relied on Caleb for protection, and now I think she’s relieved more than surprised that she doesn’t have to put that burden on Caleb, or each other. That they have a support group of people that can help them and keep them out of danger.”

Nott expects Jester’s mom to be a “real sweet, fine, fancy lady.” Liam: “Caleb had good parents, and everything that Jester describes does not sound great to him.” He doesn’t say anything to her about it because he doesn’t feel like he can give advice. Dani: “My parents that I killed were awesome. As a child of great parents, that I murdered...”  He keeps asking about her childhood, and he’s fond of her, so he’s dismayed about what he hears, but he feels like he can’t say anything about it.

Liam: "My least favorite thing about Sam is how much of a fucking food snob he and his wife are. It’s unbearable, mostly because I want the food.” Sam: “The thing that I love most about Liam is that he’s a gentle love, but he’s a kind soul. He wants to help people. But he can’t because he’s too busy.” Liam: “True, true, true. What I like about Sam is he’s the living embodiment of Shakespeare’s Fools. He’s seemingly a buffoon, but if you know him well, you know that there’s no end to the depth and soul of his character. He is skating on talent and wit.”

Liam: “I don’t know how cameras work.”

[nancydrew65]

SKAM NL Season 2 Episode 7 Thoughts

So, I had no idea when to post this. I watched three clips of episode 8 thinking they were part of episode 7. That is one of the most confusing things about SKAM NL. Full episodes come out on Tuesdays, but the clips sometimes end before then. Like episode 7 ended on Thursday night. I admit I am a bit lost, but I’m pretty sure I covered the whole episode in this post.

Can’t We Just Argue?

Liv is picking at her nail polish. I wonder if that is a nervous habit of hers.

Noah seems really nervous when they’re walking together.

Then we get this handy little scene where Noah says he just had to beat those guys up because they were bad, trust him. We got even less of a build up to that fight scene than in OG. How do we know these guys get off on hurting other people? We have literally never even heard of them before.

Noah calls Liv naive for thinking violence is not the answer. Some scenes never change, I guess.

A party bus passes by and Noah flips them off. That was actually kind of funny. I’ll give him that.

Liv tells him she wants space. Noah calmly accepts this, placing a chaste kiss on Liv’s forehead before walking away. OK, that was a decent thing for him to do.

I Was There Before the Fame

Liv and Isa are in a class, watching some boring documentary. Liv is picking at her nails again. Isa notices and just pulls out a bottle of nail polish and begins painting Liv’s nails. Friendship goals.

Isa notices that Liv is not doing OK. Best remake of Nooreva friendship. I’m saying it.

Liv got an email from a record company! They want to have a meeting with her!!! Yes! I am so glad they are bringing back that subplot. Liv really needs something good in her life right now.

Isa tells Liv not to forget about her when she gets famous, not to become friends with Trump like Kanye. Well, as an American, I appreciated that line immensely.

Liv goes to lift the window blinds because the film is ending and she spies Lucas getting on the motorcycle of a handsome stranger. She beckons Isa over and they both stare at each other in confusion.

I am honestly puzzled by that whole thing with Lucas. In OG, when Isal got into the car with Chris it was because they were planning the whole fight with the Yakuza guys. The fight already happened here, so why do they have this scene? Or is Lucas meeting with a guy from Grindr? The plot thickens.

I’m a Shit Friend

Liv has joined Engel in her yoga class. Afterwards, she finally confesses her relationship with Noah to Engel. Well, Engel actually guesses what Liv was about to tell her. She is very sweet about the whole situation and even thanks Liv for telling her. God, Engel is just the sweetest. I want to wrap her up in a big hug.

Speaking of Engel, I don’t know if I ever appreciated what a good friend the Vilde character is to Noora. I mean, if I was in her place and my friend was secretly dating my crush, I most certainly would be angry at her for more than a few weeks.

Liv tells Engel that her relationship with Noah is over, but Engel tells her she is just scared of being in love, of the chaos that comes with that. She tells Liv how lucky she is to have that chaos, to have that “wack painter kid.” My god, did I mention how much I love Engel?

Are You Never In Love?

Liv walks into the bathroom and sees Ralph getting a blowjob. She cannot leave fast enough. She goes to the living room and is soon joined by Esra. By the way, can I remark upon that fabulous leather jacket of Esra’s?

Esra eats some of the candies Liv is eating, and I know it is Ramadan, but they mentioned in one of the group chats that Esra is on her period. I am not positive, but I think it is alright for women to eat during Ramadan if they are on their period. I do not know for sure, though.

So, I was wondering how SKAM NL was going to adapt this scene given that their Sana is no longer on the show. I wasn’t sure if Esra was going to take that role or if Isa was… Turns out they gave that scene to Esra.

I have to say, this scene feels even more uncomfortable than OG because Esra has literally no idea who Noah is. There were a lot of issues in OG with Sana assuming certain things about William’s character that she had no way of knowing, but at least she knew who William was.

Then this whole problematic conversation ensues which ends with Esra asking why Liv didn’t try to understand Noah. OK, this whole scene is just so messed up for me. If you don’t look at the context of the scene, you don’t know the characters, you can see the problems with it. Imagine if you had a friend who said she was really in love with this guy, but he had different principles than her. He was (and this is an exact quote from the clip) “trying to convince me that violence is a good idea” and “thinks it’s a good idea to beat someone up”. Would you seriously tell your friend to ask her boyfriend why he beat the guy up or ask her to understand him? No, because that would be a terrible thing to do given that the boyfriend looks like he could be someone who could potentially be abusive. Look, I don’t think that Noah is abusive or he was trying to convince Liv that violence is the answer. BUT that does not change the fact that those were the words Esra heard from the conversation, and instead of warning Liv against Noah or just supporting her decision to have nothing to do with him, she encouraged Liv to try to understand his viewpoint. I really love Esra’s character, but this scene was just so poorly written. I am disappointed.

On a happier note, Ralph appears in a onesie to introduce his lover to the girls.

With Another Chick in Bed

Liv has texted Noah, but he isn’t responding. She goes to his home, but Morris is the only one there. He is having a party and invites Liv in. She charges her phone and goes to sit at the kitchen table with Morris and his friends.

OK, I know they are minor characters, but I am loving Morris’ friends. They seem like fun, goofy people. I connect with them. Why are they friends with such a creep?

Morris pretends he gets a text from Noah and says (implies) that Noah is sleeping with another girl because of the fight he and Liv had. Morris goes on to say what a horrible person Noah is and how crazy he was as a child. Then he slides the wine glass over to Liv. Noooo!

Then we get the crazy party scene where Liv gets increasingly drunk. She also starts to lose more clothes as the night progresses. The scenes start to get this weird look where the color is blanched out and it is blurry at the edges. We see Liv start to lose consciousness before she eventually collapses onto the couch.

General Thoughts

Well, I suspected this was coming, but it somehow still came as a shock to have that last clip released. I am still recovering from SKAM Austin’s handling of the sexual assault storyline and now we are thrust into a new one. I am very interested to see how SKAM NL deals with the sexual assault and how Liv will differ from Grace.

[akatokuro]

The Inevitable Saint Seiya Rewatch, Episodes 16-19

i am legitimately unsure how to respond to seiya fucking murdering a lady

- Hyouga, why the fuck would you leave your invincible rosary at Ikki's grave. TAKE THAT SHIT TO MU AND HAVE HIM RESEARCH IT HADES WILL NOT STAND A CHANCE

- ah yes, time for delicious toei filler

- In all seriousness, this filler is goofy and ridiculous as fuck, (OH NO THE BUGS ARE STEALING MY COSMO!!!) but I actually do like some of the character moments a lot, and I like the idea of the core group + Saori having time to bond and really become a team before shit starts really going down, and before Saori realizes she's a goddess.

- I have to wonder, though, if you're going to make filler to try to buy time while Kurumada smokes weed and makes shit up, why would you go with a really obvious "evil Pope" plotline? Seriously, it should be super obvious that eventually the manga is going to have its own plans for the Pope and Sanctuary, since he was a big figure in the first chapter/episode. Like, if the anime went to do completely its own thing, that'd be fine, but the halfway measure where it tries to weave weirdly back into the manga is just, uh, strange.

- Not that projecting Saga onto Toei's Evil Pope (complete with Evil Harem!) isn't the funniest fucking thing, don't get me wrong. Wait until they find out how much he loves being an owl!

- I mean, yeah, the montage of trainees dying horrifically by the hundreds is brutal and disturbing, but... is it really that much harsher than the picture we get of regular Saint training, considering LOL NINETY DEAD KIDS WHOOPS? I dunno...

- Marin and Shaina are both legitimately really cool characters. Saint Seiya ladies in general are cool as hell, you just wish that they got more focus, Saori included.

- The way Toei tries to inject RACISM!!! as another reason why Sanctuary evil feels a little weird, considering that, like, half of their Gold Saints aren't from Greece either...

- A wild Aiolia appears! The early stealth appearances of the Golds are a lot of fun. (Imagine how much more fun they could be if they were actually seeded in with, like, intent!) At this stage if you're watching blind you probably have no idea to make of this guy, who is also the narrator for the episodes...? It doesn't feel like he's obviously been set up as a "future opponent", but he's also not going out of his way to oppose the bad guys, either... but he does seem to be Marin's friend, so hmm...

-  It just seems like the kind of thing that'd be fun to play with, expectations-wise, if you're going to revise the series with hindsight in mind. In a way that, you know, gender-swapping Shun is not. What? Did I say something?

- Man, though, a Silver Saint like Shaina who is willing to shit-talk a Gold like Lia to his face... yikes. That's sort of nuts. You really do get no respect around here, do you, Aiolia...?

- have i mentioned lately that i'm in love with saori

- "Why are they after the Gold Cloth?" UH, BECAUSE IT'S A GOLD CLOTH, GUYS? HYOUGA, SHIRYUU, YOU TWO WERE TRAINED BY FUCKING GOLDS. SEIYA YOU'VE LIVED HALF YOUR LIFE IN SANCTUARY. YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND THIS IS KIND OF A BIG DEAL?

- "Our magic warriors were secretly behind every major historical event ever" was cringe in Madoka Magica and, uh, it's cringe here too, sorry!

- I'd loooove to see a more elaborate process of Saori slowly realizing and coming to terms with being Athena. More Saori content in general, pls.

- AH YES, THE SHUN SHOWER SCENE

- AH YES, THE SHIRYUU WAKING UP WITH KIKI SCENE

- I really like seeing the Bronzies do stuff like run around town doing "normal" activities, like Shun jogging, though! Shun is cute! CUTE! I even like seeing Seiya hanging around with the orphanage kids and setting up Miho for extreme disappointment.

- SAORI STANDING UP TO AND SASSING A SAINT WHO JUST BLEW HER HOUSE UP BY HERSELF I CAN'T IMAGINE BEING THIS BADASS GOD

- her expression change when seiya shows up though hnnnnng

- The setup is dumb filler, but I like the underscoring that Saori is HARDCORE (ignore me, protect the Cloth!), the Bronzies meeting up to discuss what they should do, and Seiya's not-super-personal rationale at this point for going to rescue Saori. I actually do think their relationship has nice progression, the fact that ideally there would have been more focus on Saori realizing her Foundation is pretty fucking evil aside.

- wait, you guys are going with hyouga's plan? seriously? oh shit..........

- AND THE CRYSTAL SAINT APPEARS. MY NEMESIS

- oh my god i want to see camus demonstrating this hilarious ass leg freezing technique. 'donk' sound effect and all. why would you deprive me of this

- i like how even the crystal saint, someone who is obviously defined as very much a 'nice/good saint', will cheerfully watch his student get mauled by a polar bear as part of his training though

- I'm not sure if it's more plausible that CRYSTAL SAINT failed to warn Hyouga that "hey, even if you freeze their legs, they can still punch you" or if Hyouga heard and just forgot...

- Shiryuu and Kiki are too late to reach the cave, watching them fly away in a helicopter because this is a filler arc. Wait, Sanctuary uses helicopters? Is there a helipad in Saga's house? Is it equipped with a personal bath? I need to know these things, dammit!

- I would seriously watch an entire fucking episode of just the Bronzies and Saori sitting in a room together discussing battle plans and other serious business, punctuated by Seiya and Saori occasionally flirting, and Hyouga occasionally invading Shun's personal space. A+++ quality episode right there.

- GHOOOOOOST SAAAAAAAAAAAAINTS

- poor shaina, getting filler villain-ized. but on the other hand, i kind of like her more in the role of 'ruthless and threatening villain/supporting character' as opposed to having a crush on seiya, ngl.

- Saori shitting on Tatsumi is always the greatest thing. But even that aside, even with the GHOOOST SAAAAINTS, I... like the idea of more elements of the Graude Foundation and their interactions with the actual world getting involved in this conflict?

- ghost saints tho...........

- I also really like Saori already showing she's growing up and changing the way she thinks. She has this perpetually troubled air about her even in the Ikki arc, so even though there's not as much focus on what's going on in her head as there SHOULD be, it's plausible she's really mulling things over, re-evaluating them, and internally struggling so she can be up to this task she doesn't fully understand. Rather than being smug about Graude's capabilities like Tatsumi and like she was in the early episodes, she's already thinking about the impact of their actions on the world at large. Because she rules.

- Really wish we had some aspect of her more directly confronting the fact that her grandfather was an evil fuck, but it's one of those things I feel like I can probably headcanon too, I suppose.

- shun and the nebula chains mvp all day every day

- i like how seiya is sitting there playing sad guitar and hyouga and shiryuu huddle together and are just like "man seiya's guitar sucks" “i know right”

- Saori's growth is great because she really feels like an actual character to me? There's an awkwardness about how she's trying to approach the Bronzies and bond with them that feels really organic and endearing, but she's trying very hard. I really like touches like Saori trying to say the reason she came was because she was worried about them, and Hyouga and Shiryuu sort of exchanging this skeptical glance. It's what makes things on Saori's end sort of easy to 'headcanon', so to speak.

- I love this whole idea of Saori randomly chucking her jewelry into the ocean to 'show her appreciation'. Because it's so fucking weird and awkward. This is a gesture that doesn't actually mean anything to the Bronzies - they're totally like "huh? uh, okay" - and objectively it's a dumb useless thing to do, but you can tell she, as a young girl, has really been wracking her brain over how to SHOW that she's growing to care about them, and... and came up with this? Uh, it seemed like a good idea maybe? And her self-consciousness continues to come through, the way she can't even look at the Bronzies as she explains what she's trying to say is that their lives are more important than any Cloth.

- In growing this way, Saori is already vastly different from her grandfather and even Sanctuary, who obviously didn't value life at all - but Saori is trying to figure out and navigate this new way of thinking and caring on her own. Of course it'll be clumsy as hell, but there's also a real earnestness to it. Saori is so great...

- THE HYOSHUN IS VERY REAL. even in the midst of dumb filler, i love the way hyouga is so consistently attentive to shun. why is hyouga the only one who reacts to shun getting pulled underwater and then tries to save him? shiryuu was right there too... i mean...

- (the answer: hyouga is crushing on him hard, but)

- shun catching hyouga on the cliff against THE EVIL BUGS too ffffffffff

- NEBULA CHAIN! PULL IT UP!

- "Shiryuu, what happened!?" "I DON'T KNOW." and then we never speak of this again. sounds legit tbh

- holy shit did seiya just fucking murder a lady

- seiya just totally cold-bloodedly murdered a lady

- AIOLOS DID YOU JUST FUCKING WINK AT SEIYA AFTER HE MURDERED A LADY THROUGH YOUR HELMET I..................

- no, but seriously, she's fucking lying helpless face down on the ground and seiya fucking punches her to death what the fuck. even the way the shot is framed. and then you get to hear her scream in pain as she's being fucking punched to death. like seiya could have seen an opening and punched her as she was falling from aiolos's sucker punch, but while she's literally lying on the ground is really... uh...

- WELL, UM, MOVING ON I GUESS... SAINT SEIYA!

[tsundokuclub]

nini’s thoughts on kafka on the shore : chapter 2 - chapter 5

warning: obviously there’ll be some spoilers lol so beware! XD

Again, with these chapter reviews I’ll be using bullet points and going over the chapter as a whole in paragraph form afterwards. Enjoy! <3

Chapter 2

either a flashback or foreshadowing chapter??

doesn’t seem to connect to Kafka at this point

something major happened to get the military involved: an attack/ bombing??

during war times (1940′s), it would make sense if it was an attack

if so, was it an unsanctioned/ off the books attack from the US?

“According to military records no U.S. bombers or any other kind of aircraft were flying over that region at the time”

why would a solo B-29 be in the sky? it would only make sense if it was a secret attack ^^

the class regularly went to the same hill and woods, so why were they only affected that day?

was someone / some organization conducting experiments no one knew about?

and why that region? did they see the teacher and children in that open area before?

if so, it was deliberate for whatever sinister reason

are the children in comas? are they okay now? are they still alive?

whatever it was that made them lose consciousness had to be a low dose to only affect the children

did the Japanese or US governments conduct experiments and not tell people? or is it scientists not with the government?

how does this chapter relate to Kafka?

I think it’s safe to say that I was thoroughly confused by this chapter, but I was still hooked. I kept thinking of the many possibilities of what happened to the children, but also how and why this relates to Kafka. I couldn’t come up with an answer, but I’m sure I’ll find one soon.

Chapter 3

his age shows a bit in this chapter

he’s quiet around the woman, afraid his voice is going to crack

he also blushes around her, yet he showed no emotions around people at his school

he repeatedly makes mental notes about her figure, her breasts specifically

what’s weird is that the idea of the woman being his older sister pops into his head, yet he doesn’t stop looking at her breasts

the imagery about the hills makes me think he might be near where the children collapsed in chapter 2?

is Shikoku going to be the region talked about in chapter 2?

This chapter was pretty short, and I don’t have a lot of comments about it. Although I will say again that it’s strange that the entire time he’s talking with the woman, he wonders if she’s his older sister, yet continues to think about her breasts. although, that could just be the fact that he’s a teenage boy. And I feel like I might be wrong, but could the region in chapter 2 possibly be Shikoku? It would make sense for it to be the region if that’s how the two chapters/ perspectives are connected.

Chapter 4

how long were the kids laying in the field unconscious and alone?

how small is the town where only a handful of people could help? what about the farmers? or would they have been too far away?

i thought the same thing as the doctor about the poison / nerve gas attack in chapter 2, but why would someone poison the air unless they knew people (the kids & teacher) would be there?

and why not give a big enough dose for the teacher? is it because it could possibly kill the children? why poison them in the first place?

the synopsis mentions spirits leaving their bodies. is that what happened? all the children's spirits simultaneously left their bodies? what would cause that and why did it happen?

or were the kids approached by a spirit? then somehow joined it? how were they all able to do it? did the spirit they saw do it for them, if what they were looking at was a spirit?

the adults say the children didn’t look to be in any pain. why didn’t the spirit/ whatever it was hurt them? what was the point of what happened? what did they see/ observe?

were the kids & teacher the only ones to see the B-29? if so, could that have been a spirit tricking their minds to convince them it was a gas attack? why though?...

is the boy Nakata the same one mentioned in the synopsis? im guessing so.

did his spirit leave him and he’s now lost? his body unable to regain consciousness because his spirit left?

what made all the children collapse and why was Nakata the only one unable to regain consciousness?

This chapter definitely had my head spinning. It was only as I was reading this chapter that I remembered the synopsis and it’s mentioning of Nakata and spirits leaving their bodies. Again, I wonder how all of that ties into Kafka’s story.

Chapter 5

so far, the perspectives change every chapter. I wonder how this will being everything together as the story progresses.

Kafka again seems pretty wise for his age, not only knowing certain quotes but being able to understand them

I’m assuming the people at the YMCA didn’t know his age? because otherwise I don’t think they would’ve helped give a 15 year old a discount to a hotel?

“for the first time in who knows how long, but I’m happily stuffed.” did he never get fed enough at home? his father obviously had money because 1: the watch that kafka almost took but also 2: the fact that kafka wouldn’t feel so secure about living on his own if he hadn’t taken a good amount of money from his father. so why wasn’t he full all the time?

does a small part of him wish to be with those other kids going to school? does a small part of him wish to be normal and have a normal life?

he’s very nervous talking to people, but not just because he’s afraid of his voice cracking

he blushes very easily, which shows me that he’s not very good at dealing with confrontation, even in good circumstances

his demeanor completely changes when he’s in the library than when he’s at school. at school he’s cold and an outsider, but at the library he’s relaxed. he feels he’s at home and could be there forever reading books and admiring the view.

despite the way he tries to hide his emotions or simply not feel them, he can’t help but look for the mother he never grew up with. this has to mean that the mother left right? otherwise he wouldn’t be secretly searching for his mother in every middle-aged woman he meets.

he can recognize the fact that there’s so much he doesn’t know. whereas most teenagers/ young people feel like they know everything

his anxiety shows up every now and then throughout the chapter, mainly every time he talks to people. he knows it’ll go smoothly, but he can’t help but feel anxious about things going wrong. he’s constantly in his head thinking of the right things to say, afraid if he says the wrong thing everything will be ruined.

i wonder how that’s going to affect him in the future.

This chapter was a bit slower, but I enjoyed it very much. I definitely want to look up the library now and add it to my “to visit when I travel” list XD.

I hope you guys like this as well as my first post about my thought on Kafka on the Shore. It’s such a great read so far and I can’t wait to read more! ~nini

[lady-d-ac]

Voltron Legendary Defender Deserved Bette

Dear Voltron Fans Voltron Legendary Defender Deserved Better now I say it's the writer's fault or that it's DreamWorks because frankly, I have no idea at this point.

But I will say is that starting Voltron with the very first season I thought it was tremendous, but I slowly watched it go from third to two thirds from bad to worse.  In the beginning, you could tell that the writing was focused clear and neat and you could feel the rush after us being more rushed after season three. And yes after reading, ... Comment link in the description below that they did lose some decent writers for the series and they were also rushing it out towards the middle to final parts of the seasons. I particularly felt they were out of ideas by season seven, That was the worst season for so many other reasons than killing off Adem, But I'll get to that further on. In the meantime, the big disappointments I feel happened, are the many missed opportunities they could talk but didn't, lack of world building and lack of character development and relationships.

Particularly in lance's character development, in the beginning, he was going to laugh more a lot more but that was left out.  I just shame because he really had some good foundations for a strong character. Lance acts arrogant and cocky but beneath that he's insecure, scared but is brave and willing to sacrifice his life for others, Lance is the kind of person who put aside his fears it and wants for the good of others and frankly I just feel like his character potential was wasted throughout the series. Not to mention how his" friends" Pidge and Hunk treated him but that's a topic on the whole other level.

Mainly the character relationships between the teammates, Season 1&2 were all we really got with development between the characters and their relationships, and really was a light touch on the subject but not much.

Of course, we were all curious what was Keith's relationship with Shiro?

What was Lance's rivalry with Keith really about?

Would Pidge and Lance developer brotherly-sisterly relationship with one another and the loss and separation of their family members, and what kind of relationship with the be like?  Would blossom into a small romance?

Would lone Wolf Keith eventually become comfortable with his teammates and open up about his traumatic past with the other members about his life and becoming a better team player?

Would they ever find Matt Prof. Holt alive, and if so what with their feelings beyond the aliens after being violently abducted versus their dreams of meeting intelligent life, how would this affect professor holds you on the universe after this?

Who's Keith's mother and whatever happened to his father? This is disappearance have something to do with the galaxy Garrison? Where is Shiro? And what happened to him? would Shiro and Allura have a relationship with what few tender moments they had on-screen? We ever get to see Allura is passed on Altea?

And what happened to Shiro during his time as a Galra prisoner. Why was Hagger trying to make and so strong, and how much experimenting did she do? Was he so similar to Altans was she trying to infuse his genetics with what Altan DNA she had left? Why Shira going to be an experimental hybrid between human and Altan DNA?

Did King Alfor secretly build a six lion, the white lion?

What was the galaxy Garrison really up to, especially Commander Irvington and he seemed to have so many secrets and want to keep a lid on them?

Did the galaxy Garrison had ulterior motives? Was there something more nefarious going on there? And how much do they really know about alien life? Was there it a secret organization behind the whole thing. Was Dare I say, the ancient villains Galactor somehow involved in the now globalized government military system, pushing things forward for their own benefit behind-the-scenes, and with this lead to the legendary team-up of GForce with Voltron, and somehow the Macross consortium.

(Though I know this last paragraph is fan wishing)

All these questions were answered never because most of them never happened. Yes, we got Shiro and Keith's backstory. We got to meet Keith's mother and find out the fate of his father which in my opinion was sad but not really what I was led to believe based on the episode the Blade of Mamora, in which keep this up to see his father, but is not shot that he's alive again considering he's compound dead in the later seasons. We also at least get to see how case parents met but it just doesn't go into too much detail about that either. For instance we seek will only as reaction was she being saved from the shuttle that's good, but what about a reaction after she regained full consciousness, her reaction to her pregnancy, her spending more than just a few minutes of screen time with baby Keith, all this would have a lot more depth to the relationship between Krolya and Keith's father's as well as their son. I'm not saying they should have done a whole relationship thing throughout the episode, but a bit more than what they gave us would've been nice.

As for Lance and  Pidge's relationship, it completely disappears after season three. We seen Pidge still getting jealous over Lance is flirting and self-idolization with beautiful girls in the first episode of season three, but after this, we really don't see much more of it leaving the question what happened. We know that Jaquam De Santos and Lauren Montgomery of specified that while all more rise the girl Lance wants she's not exactly the girl Lance needs and with the way the relationships were going we could assume that Implied the back girl could be Pidge. Yet after all of this, we just see them growing more and more a part as the series progresses and not in a good way. Later in the season it's obvious he feels bad the Laura's going after load tour despite the fact he claimed in his “ unquote” interview” that there are plenty of fish in the sea and that is by not settling for one girl, (yes I know there are many inconsistencies in the script) yet here he is moping and clearly upset about it, while Pidge and His Best Friend, Hunk Rob into his face that the Prince and Princess will be getting into a relationship together. And they do nothing to lighten his mood a little bit about it, that just basically making fun of him without any remorse or empathy for how he feels. And this is supposed to be the team that is supposed to have such a strong team bonding can take five mystical lion robots and combine them form a super giant robot? What the heck!

Of course, Keith gets more distant from the team instead of getting close to them. While yes it was the fault of a fake Shiro, Wouldn't he have a stronger bond with Shiro after the years he's known him to know that there was something off about this Shiro? I'm just saying the relationships for a long time tend to notice problems even small ones. But then again the two producers have shown they can't really write relationships well. 

That aside, I really think that during Shiro's disappearance this was a great opportunity for the team to get know each other better and bond more, 

Allura could have gotten to know Pidge better than what her life on Earth was like. Her past experiences with her not so great male classmates and teachers. How page feels about herself, what she likes what she dislikes, and in turn, she could learn a lot about a Laura and how she had to deal with things, what life is like to be the Princess of the entire planet and the responsibilities that came with it. How they dealt with things and how they could learn from each other how they could handle it in the future.

Lance hunk and Keith could've all gotten to know each other a little better. Lance could've learned Keith despite being the best in his class did not come from perfect life. He lost his only family member at a young age and had basically lived from foster home to foster home, dating a distrust of people and a cold distant Attitude because of it. Keith could've learned about both Lance and hunks families, how even though they came from big families they still have their difficulties as well as their joys. How being the younger sibling can be somewhat adult indulging but being the uncles that they are, is a big responsibility. And it could warm up to Keith by offering him to come to spend not next holiday with their family when they return to Earth. This would also really be a great opportunity for Lance because despite his rivalry with Keith he sees a twice been hard for him and he reveals that he's insecure about his status at the Garrison because his older siblings are much more accomplished than he is. And he Felt he should be just as good as Keith, in order to prove that he was worth something not just everyone but himself. And this helped break down a lot of barriers between him and Keith's cold relationship. As well as hunk having a better time understanding Keith knows how to relate to him better and is able to form a better bond.

Keith and then Pidge could have a bonding moment because they were both disrespected by their teachers one for being a bit too smart and the other for being a bit too brash. It also would've helped that they had a bonding moment with a Laura over the missing she wrote as a Laura had obviously befriended him, and page knew him as a friend of the family and how we both meant something to each of them.

Instead, most of these potential ideas were pushed to the sidelines in favor of moving on for Rush plot with some not so good episodes will step away from that for now and explain what happened to Shiro in the meantime. What we don't learn much about the experiments that were done to Shiro, we do know that his owner was used to make clones of him. How when why was this done? we have yet to get an answer!

We also learn that Shiro was, in fact, gay, and a former lover on earth but broken off because of his drive for the stars which is understandable, but we also learn that he has a terminal illness that is slowly shutting down his muscles and going to eventually kill him at the beginning of the seventh season. And it would great if we had this all the way back in the know the second season when he disappeared and apparently DIED! But also apparently there were three more episodes edited each season that were cut after certain riders left the show makes you wonder doesn't it, what they really did have a plan for the reveal. And it's not that I don't have anything against Shiro being gay it's just I like I said earlier, I would have loved for them to show signs of that earlier. according to what I've heard from the writers they had planned to make him gay and kill him off before the execs told them it wasn't a good idea. And frankly I agree with that, as it was not obviously the best writing idea to kill off a gay character in a supposedly positive modern action cartoon, if anything that shows that you're still stuck in the 70s and you're not with the times if you're going to be killing off the LBGT characters.

Frankly, I would've loved that Shiro is bisexual, and have a lightly explored relationship between his love for Allura in his former fiancé Adam. Heck even a Laura Adam having a conversation about top issues behavior is a leader and how I felt it was just too rash for him but that's what Allura loves about Shiro, how she's not so different from him herself and how need this strength from each other to push forward for the better.

But I think the biggest missed opportunity, especially from how they set it up, was not making the galaxy Garrison and enemy or at least a threat. There were hints in the first season that they were hiding something, they knew something was wrong on the Kerberos mission and it wasn't the pilot error. And it went through great lengths to hide it, even going so far as to ban the future grapevine that would've been a great asset to them from the base merely because she wanted to find out what happened to her family. They could have secret ulterior motives to try to steal some of the alien technology to push their own to make later expansions to the universe for the human race. Maybe they could've had their own ideas for Galactic conquest, or better yet had a secret agreement with the Galra military or possibly even connections thought Price Lotor himself. True there could've been some who wish to just protect the planet but it was so much more interesting having them as the bad guys. That's why was hoping the Gallactor was secretly running the Galaxy Garrison. I mean what else would you have a militarizing space program conveniently located all over the world. Conveniently making the galaxy Garrison the only world defense it's very suspicious.

All and all there was so much room for this kind of development but in the end of for one reason or another, they just didn't do it. I don't know why they did it this way and not 100% sure if it was the rush, executive pushing deadlines, saying some things were unnecessary, but what I do know is that the show could have been great. The show could really been something amazing, something different from all its predecessors,  something unique, something special. But in the end all it seems to me is that it's going to be a spectacular flop. Season eight debuts tomorrow and I don't know if any of you viewers will have the strength to read this beforehand as I know some of you will stay up late watching midnight (me I'm waiting till the morning). But I just hope your first and final viewing experience of this series isn't total garbage. But if it is, there is one solution find out all we can about the series before and after it was written, and do a rewrite of the series. We can do a crowd funder, signed petitions, right our own fan fiction and make our own comics of the series. Let's just remember even if it's not what we wanted we still have the fanscape to express how we feel about the series and how it made us feel. Happy viewing to a season eight

[80srockher]

Yuri on Ice Rewatch and Live-Commentary, Episode 1: Easy as Pirozhki!! The Grand Prix Final of Tears

*There are spoilers throughout.  I also make assumptions that anyone reading has already seen the episode or has a grasp of the content.*

Source: http://yurionicescreencaps.tumblr.com

The opening scene is so pretty.  Really sets a tone.  I went in knowing nothing about the anime first go-around, so I found Yuri and Victor’s grow/glow-ups montages interesting.  

This theme song is… not my favorite.  Maybe it’s the French horns?  That and too much synth.  I usually skip over it but want to give it a chance this go-around.

Heh, Victor and his gold blades to match his gold medal.  And his European af haircut.  Can’t remember the last time I saw an American past the age of 12 with bangs. No mistaking him for anything other than Eastern European.

Also, the poster on the left is for Victor, I believe.  Can he pull his leg that high in the air?  Was that featured and I forgot?  I’ll be on the lookout for it.

Also, looks like Jean JACK made it to Sochi and placed third here too, lolz.

Yes, please listen to your coach, Yuri.  Don’t poke the wound.  Stay off the internets.  ESPECIALLY the figure skating internets.  What little I remember from when I used to follow the sport is that it’s dramatic, to put it nicely.

I keep getting distracted by the utter Euro-ness of the Europeans in this show. The cut of Coach Celestino’s suit is so Italian I weep. He’s too smooth.

Yuri’s name tag has his name in Cyrillic as well?  Cute.

My first impression of Yuri was that he looks about 18 and that impression hasn’t changed.  Perhaps it’s the glasses, but he def looks youthful. I’m also someone who’s been accused of looking a decade+ younger than I actually am, so I can sympathize.

Speaking of sympathy – Yuri caved to pressure, binged ate before the competition while mourning his dog, then bombed his first trip to the Grand Prix final.  All in front of his idol.  Damnity damn damn.  Sorry, kid.

Is Cao Bin ever introduced on the show?  Something else I forgot, maybe?

Now, when I first saw this poor child crying in the bathroom, that’s when I knew the series was going to be much different from the light-hearted anime about figure skating I expected.  It got real deep real quick.

Yuri Plisetsky “The Russian Punk”.  Is this something the in-universe media refers to him as?  Because I only recall (JPN) Yuri saying it and only this once.

This screencap is during the scene where the journalist Marooka (sp?) is hassling Yuri about his future plans and instead of answering, Yuri can only stare at someone else’s puppy that reminds him of his dead Vicchan.

This baby is crying. Cry.ing.  This has been a tough day for poor Yuri, overall.

And he talks down to himself so much.  It’s all his fault he caved to pressure. He was an idiot to think he could meet his idol on the same playing field.   He’s come so far and still thinks so little of his accomplishments.

So, I understand this “one year later” is not really accurate, lol.  It’s just the new  year following the previous season.  I was confused initially about a number of soon-to-happen events before Yuri’s mental alter ego cleared it up.

So, per Minako’s voice actress, Yuri really is pronounced YOO-RI.  Cute.

Four Continents is… not a Grand Prix competition?  My figure skating knowledge is all rust now.

LOL, Minako does. Not. Play. And she wears a pinky ring.  My God, that death grip on poor Yuri.

It’s snowing outside the train station when Yuri and Minako leave.  So, it’s not unusual to snow in this region in March, but it’s highly unusual a month or so later. Man, hard to believe Yuri sat around for almost an entire month before the infamous video became viral.  More on that, later.

So, based on everyone’s interactions with Yuri so far, the only person who cares that he didn’t make it to the World Championships is him.  And he should care since he’s worked basically his entire life towards that goal.  But, he doesn’t appear to have let anyone down but himself, though he doesn’t act that way.

So, the fact that the family hot springs is named “Yu-topia”… did that influence Yuri’s name at all, I wonder?

Ha!  I wish I could have recorded the Japanese actor’s voice when he says this line.  He makes Yuri sound so done with it all, lol.  It’s the best.

Ok, so a number of very interesting and entertaining things happen in succession that I don’t feel like screencapping.  No hug between the littlest Katsuki and the senior Katsukis, even though he hasn’t been home in 5 years.  Fascinating. No doubt cultural (I’m guessing) but fascinating.  

Yuri’s mom basically calls Minako a drunk.  To her face. LOL.  But I imagine no one can get mad at this sweet lady.

Minako calls Yuri out on his weight gain in front of God and everybody.  Though, I think it’s more of a matter of his clothes no longer fitting due to said weight gain.  

But, his parents don’t care. Eat more pork cutlet bowls, Yuri! Welcome home!

Vicchan’s shrine is where they also store the unused treadmill.  Want to bet the only person to use it was Yuri?

Then older sis Mari-neechan appears with frosted tips.  I can appreciate a character that doesn’t beat around the bush (a trait she inherited from her mother, I imagine).  Welcome home, Yuri, but don’t sit on your ass.  Start thinking about your next move.    

Actually *loads headcanon* I suspect Mari doesn’t want Yuri to give up on skating.  The longer he stays at home, the more quitting becomes a possibility.

So, the Katsuki family hot springs resort (Inn?  Restaurant?) is the last one standing in town.  Very OT, but I wonder if the hot springs are still an attraction at all and are perhaps, government-owned?  Protected, used by tourists for a fee, perhaps?  I think about things like that.

Having never visited a hot spring, and based on the setting around Minako while she watches the World Championships on TV, it appears to be a place for people to come, soak, and lounge and grab a bite to eat if the mood strikes.  So, the Katsukis wait on people basically all day long.  Gotta be exhausting work.

Yuuuuuko!  The Madonna of Ice Castle Hasetsu!  Yuri’s crush on her is hella cute.

A slight segue to Yuri’s perceived attraction to Yuko and what it could imply about his sexual identity.  Per his labeling of Yuko as a “Madonna,” I figure Yuri considers Yuko untouchable, perhaps even “too good” for him.  Yuko, just like Victor, is “ideal”.  For someone as self-conscious as Yuri, comparing any romantic prospects against his two ideals was probably a convenient excuse not to get *too* close to anyone, male or female.  That being said, he didn’t pursue Yuko.  Alcohol loosened enough of Yuri’s inhibitions to eventually openly flirt with Victor, but this is still an important distinction, IMO.  He pursued one of his ideals (in more ways than one, even going so far as to leave home to in hopes of becoming Victor’s equal) and left the other one behind.

Yuri idealizes/d Yuko, and comes to love Victor.  He’s gay.  Bi, at the least.  

I don’t feel confident in applying any other labels, because I’m a straight.  Yuri could fall under any number of categories as long it they include, IMO, same-sex attraction.

In actuality, Yuko is “introduced” to the audience as Yuri’s straight love interest, but that doesn’t last long.  Cute and clever, show creators.  Cute. And . Clever.

Then we find out, via flashback, a) how adorable they all were when they were little kids and b) Yuko wanted to see Yuri compete against Victor.  Yuko has been a profound influence on Yuri.

So, Victor.  This guy is in a class by himself.  The animators obviously invested a lot of time in his movements.  You can see why he leads the field even at 27.

Also, the creators had the nerve, the audacity, the unmitigated gall to compose an original opera aria for a cartoon.  That was my next indicator that this was more than a cutesy figure skating anime.  

The song really is beautiful, too.  Probably my favorite in the soundtrack.

Who’s the last IRL skater to win 5 consecutive World Championships?  Michelle Kwan, maybe?  Who is Kwan’s male equivalent?  Back then, probably Alexei Yagudin?  May research. May not. 

Anyway, Victor is the Michelle Kwan of YOI-verse lol.

Hmm.  Here come the three brats.  Good God.  Poor Yuko and Takeshi lol.

So sweet to see Yuri’s childhood bully is his biggest fan now.

Sooo, Yuko’s triplets secretly record Yuri’s private performance, post it online (sometime before April 10, when Victor shows up), and things progress rather quickly from there...

Or do they?  It appeared to me that Yuri caught up with Yuko at the rink the same day he returned home.  Did he skate Victor’s routine for her that day, as well, or did it happen later?  Perhaps the triplets waited a few weeks to post the video, or else it took a few weeks to go viral.  Did Yuri turn off his phone for *weeks* to avoid the world?

Maybe he got home on March 30 and then the whole month of April just went to hell for him?  The possibilities...

LOL, I’m so SO mad the title of the video is “Katsuki Yuri TRIED to Skate Victor’s FS Program”. Those brats.

This might be the most unattractive Victor’s ever looked.  Severe close-ups aren’t flattering on anyone.  Welp, down the rabbit hole now.  

So, in the next scene it snows in April which doesn’t stop anyone from stripping naked to bathe in a hot spring, apparently.  Or it just doesn’t stop Victor.

#moneyshot

I like this ending theme much better.  It’s a head-bopper.  The Instagram reel kills me.  

Thanks to anyone who took the time to read through this stream of consciousness!  No idea how long it may take me to get through the rest.  I tip my hat to those who regularly and passionately participate in fandom.  It’s a lot of work!

[the-colony-roleplay]

Juliana Casiano | Forty;  Elite

House: Calyset Status: Uninfected Elite Specification: Lab Researcher and Science Teacher Alignment: New Wave Reformist

History

Juliana and her brother were complete opposites. He was skipping school, partying, and getting in fights while Juliana was studying, sleeping, or organizing one of her many extra curricular activities. In most houses Juliana would have been the golden child, the source of her parent’s pride, but in her household it was her brother. In her parents’ eyes he was the one living life to the fullest and the one that would eventually take over the family business. It wasn’t until he started being extremely irresponsible with the family’s delicate inventory, that their parents realized he had a problem. Growing up, Juliana didn’t really understand why there always seemed to be hushed voices around her parents restaurant and why there was a room she wasn’t allowed in but delivery drivers were allowed to come and go  as they pleased. Soon, she became aware that the reason for those things was that her parents were one of the largest distributors of illegal drugs in Queens. Learning this about her parents only made Juliana commit to her studies more as she desperately wanted to be different than her parents and knew someone like her brother was bound to get wrapped up in it all. Looking back, she wished she hadn’t left her brother to deal with it: their parents, the business, the drugs, and eventually his addiction. But at time, Juliana couldn’t predict the consequences of her actions and was simply doing what she thought was best.

Juliana’s intense commitment to her academics and clubs initially paid off well as she graduated valedictorian of her private Catholic school and was heavily awarded scholarships to NYU. In the summer before going to college, Juliana decided to work at her parent’s restaurant to pay for the few things her scholarships wouldn’t cover. There she met a young man who worked with the more illegal side of things. At first she had no interest in someone as irresponsible as him but as June turned into July, Juliana realized that she missed out on being carefree. All through school, she only cared about making good grades and having the perfect college application, never caring about parties or drugs or boys. When Rodrigo, the young man, asked if she wanted to go to a Fourth of July fireworks show with him she refused to think about the possible consequences and agreed to go. As they made love underneath the fireworks, for the first time in her life she let the worries melt away. However, her new carefree attitude was short lived when her pregnancy test turned out positive a week before she is supposed to move into the NYU dorms. To Juliana’s surprise, Rodrigo really seemed to step up to the plate. He bought an apartment for them both and fully furnished the nursery, promising to take care of both Juliana and their baby together. And of course, she fell for it.

Rodrigo went back to the life of crime and drugs and Juliana quickly failed out of online school as juggling motherhood and grades good enough to uphold her scholarships was more than she could handle. However, it wasn’t all bad, Juliana loved her son, Christopher, more than anything in the world. It wasn’t until Rodrigo got sent to prison that she realized that both of them were not setting very good examples for their son. With Christopher being in elementary school, Juliana got a job as a teachers assistant and went back to college.

She managed to get her PhD in Chemistry and start her job working as a pharmaceutical scientist for a private company called Asclepius Pharmaceuticals where she created new compounds and medicines to help treat diseases. One of those diseases happened to be one that Juliana’s brother suffered from and many other people around the world suffered from. While technology had taken off and treatment of autoimmune diseases such as HIV and AIDS was so far progressed that it was barely a problem, the disease of addiction was still rampant with stigma, leaving very little progress on the medical sides of things. Juliana had seen her brother fight for his sobriety time after time and was determined to find a cure. In 2156, Juliana found a cure for addiction with a simple injection that needed to be administered once a year. Her employers were ecstatic but knew it needed to go through years of trials before it could be released to the public. Juliana was too excitable to wait for her cure to go through trials before she helped her loved one and decided to administer her brother the injection. Within days, he no longer craved drugs or alcohol of any kind and did not experience any withdrawals. Unfortunately, the world went up in flames the next year along with Juliana’s cure to addiction.

New York City was one of the many cities along the coast that faced flooding. When debris fell from the sky and struck the Chrysler building, everyone assumed it was a terrorist attack. The whole city never forgot the terror that their ancestors faced with the attack on the World Trade Center. Juliana who had just arrived at work, frantically tried to get ahold of Christopher as the city shook with impact and parts of buildings dropped from the sky. As soon as the power went out, Juliana knew she was going to have a hard time finding any of her loved ones. She ran out onto the streets and tried to make her way to her son’s apartment but was confronted by water up to her hips. Juliana along with many others were swept away by the current only stopping when being slammed up against a heavy object. After ten minutes of weaning in and out of consciousness, getting thrown around the currents, Juliana was pulled from the water by a Good Samaritan. She had nine broken ribs and shattered her wrist. Juliana didn’t completely come to until about a week later when she woke up in some kind of temporary infirmary. She later learned she was at some kind of mass emergency shelter at the Yankee Stadium. When she awoke, she had a hard time moving and breathing but was able to ask about her son and her brother. Somehow, someway, they were alive and safe.

The three of them stayed together, living at the temporary shelter at the Yankee Stadium. In the beginning, rescue teams would find four to six survivors a day but as the weeks went on that number significantly decreased. There was no more government, only those who were fit for leadership. After about six months of living in the Stadium and an entire month of no successful rescues, Leadership decided it was time to move to a more stable shelter. Everyone was informed that they would be moved to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology where everyone would get a proper bed instead of a cot. Juliana was very optimistic about the move since Christopher was beginning to suffer from migraines which she assumed was from lack of sleep.

Juliana Today

When they first arrived at the colony, everything was great. However, Christopher’s migraines only progressed and her brother started to suffer extreme withdrawals from her injections. Juliana offered to help the colony create pain medication for those who were suffering, as long as they provided her with the supplies. The colony was happy to oblige and Juliana began to work for them, helping people with all illnesses including her son and her brother. Juliana’s brother suddenly died within weeks of showing withdrawal symptoms. She became riddled with guilt and threw herself into her work. Juliana was terrified her son’s fate would be the same but then all of a sudden he was fine. No more migraines, no more shaky skin. He was back to the same 17 year old boy he was before the headaches started. One day Christopher was training with some guys, when one of them accidentally hit him too hard. Christopher had always been a bit of a hot head but what happened next  was unexplainable. The boy felt rage rise within him and then suddenly the metal structure in the training grounds became undone and pierced the boy who had hit him right through the chest. Juliana was pulled out of work and questioned by the leaders of the colony. No one had ever seen that happen before. There had been rumors of people developing particular abilities but nothing anyone actually believed, at least until then. Christopher was subjected to weeks of all kinds of testing and Juliana wasn’t allowed to visit him, as they believed him to be deadly. She only got to see him through a one sided window in which she observed the effects of her treatments. She worked tirelessly to try to find a cure or a treatment, anything to subside his abilities, but she found nothing. Juliana knew they were never going to stop testing him, he had become their lab rat and she had become a weapon. So she faked his death to release him into the wasteland, where he would at least have a chance at life.

Over the next few years she worked with the leaders of what formed into the first official colony and the NWRF. She became close to them and did their doings because she knew one day she would use it against them. When the NWRF asked her if she would like to go to Colony 22 to be a lab researcher and be someone they could trust during their overthrow, she agreed, insisting that the move could be good for her and her grief. Of course, she was hesitant on the fact that she would have to move away from her son in the wastelands. They had no contact since before that day but she had always hoped he would find his way back to her. Ultimately, Juliana knew the only safe way she would ever get to see her son again was if she took down the NWRF and freed the infected from their oppression.

Juliana has now been at Colony 22 for over a year. She is the star example of an uninfected reformist lab researcher who they take very much pride in, all while she is secretly working to overthrow them. Juliana is still riddled with guilt and anger and oftentimes finds it consuming her from the inside-out. Some days she finds even the smallest things intolerable, but others she finds herself frolicking in the lie that she has built. The woman is in a constant moral tug-of-war that she is quickly growing tired of. She is just hoping something comes to a head soon in the rebellion and will do anything to push that along.

If Juliana is not working or training or sleeping, you can usually find her in the chapel silently praying for her son’s safety in the wastelands or in the pub with a glass of red wine after working all day. Although Juliana appears to the public to be a disciplined and polite woman, behind close doors Juliana has a fire within her that only few get to see.

CLOSED

[green-eyeddragonfanfiction]

Impossible: Part 5

Summary: Prompt: ‘I’m a superhero and you’re my arch nemesis but we don’t know each other’s identities and we’re actually best friends’ You’re best friends with Bucky, although you know him as James Ranier. He’s your best friend, too, but he has no idea you’re actually Shade, a woman who plagues the reformed Winter Soldier’s life as his arch nemesis. You faint from blood loss in the Avengers compound and the heroes themselves have to decide what to do with you. Gabe’s life and your own hinges on their decision. Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female!Mutant!Reader Warnings: Violence, Swearing (always), blood, angst Word Count: ~3,451 A/N: Angst. So much angst. And yelling. Poor Bucky. Poor reader. This is for @bookybuns fic fest! This chapter was inspired by Alone Together by Fall Out Boy.

Masterlist // Previous Chapter // Next Chapter

“-Have information on Shadow. USB in purse will prove it. Help my brother, I’ll get you the rest,” you hissed, your right hand clutching at your left shoulder- you couldn’t feel it.

You remembered looking down at your shoulder. It was red. Very red. You also remembered voices, though you couldn’t make out the words.

“Please,” you said. Or at least, you meant to. You couldn’t tell if you got the words out.

Then, everything went black.

Bucky’s POV

Bucky watched as you collapsed on the kitchen floor, shirt half red with your own blood. Steve immediately checked on you while Nat went to your purse, fishing through it until she pulled out the USB you’d mentioned. Sam was calling the med ward, warning them that Steve was bringing you to them and that you’d been shot and lost a lot of blood.

Bucky couldn’t move. He didn’t know what to do.

You were supposed to be normal. Well, maybe not normal. You’d always been extraordinary, but you were supposed to be a civilian.

You made him feel normal... like he wasn’t an ex-assassin turned hero. When he was around you he simply felt like a man. A good man, even.

The betrayal stung his lungs. He found it hard to breathe. He wanted to help (Y/N). Get her to the med ward and sit by her side until she came to, but he wanted to drag Shade to an interrogation room and work Shadow’s innermost dealings from her mind.

His two lives had come together in the worst possible way and it had left Bucky in a free fall, unable to process the events.

He didn’t hear Natasha call his name the first few times. He watched numbly as Steve left the room with (Y/N)-Shade in his arms. It was only after they’d disappeared around the corner that Bucky became aware of Natasha in front of him, calling his name.

“Bucky! Snap out of it!” she said, snapping her fingers in his face. “Get your shit together. We don’t have time for this,” she ordered. Although her words were harsh, her tone was surprisingly understanding. “We need to find out if she’s telling the truth, and you know her better than anyone,” Nat said, holding up the USB that allegedly held Shadow intel.

“Do I?” he asked, his voice raspy as though he hadn’t used it years.

Natasha slumped, a large sigh leaving her lips. “Yes, you do. You know more about her than the SHIELD database, at least. For all of her alleged years alive, she sure as hell is hard to track down. We have-”

“Nothing, I know,” he said quietly. “Just basic height and weight and fighting patterns. Whatever Steve and I got over the years,” Bucky said, glaring past Natasha, mind beginning to wander down darker paths.

“Hey, hey. Focus. It’s not your fault. Even I would have been fooled if you hadn’t told us your suspicions earlier. It’s not your fault,” she said, placing a hand gently on his shoulder.

The comforting gesture snapped his attention back to the present and he heaved out a huge sigh.

“Stark and Banner will be here soon. Everyone else is still out on missions and won’t be back for a few days at least,” Sam said quietly. Bucky had almost forgotten he was there. “If what she said is true, time is of the essence. Something about her brother, right? I doubt she’ll help us if he gets blown to bits,” he said, crossing his arms as he leaned against the kitchen island.

“Was she telling the truth about that?” Nat asked, raising en eyebrow at Bucky.

“I think it’s true that Gabe’s really her brother. I’m not sure about the whole chip-in-the-brain thing, though,” Bucky said, wiping a hand over his face. Today was definitely a top five contender on his list of Worst Days Ever, and he’d been kidnapped, tortured, and fallen hundreds of feet off of a speeding train.

“Then we better figure out what’s on that USB, and fast,” Sam said, nodding his head towards the tech lab.

“Sam and I can handle this. You should... be there when she wakes up,” Nat said, frowning as she studied Bucky’s face, looking for a reaction.

Bucky looked from Natasha to Sam and back before he nodded, expression severe. “Fine, but only because she’s most likely to talk to me and I don’t wanna leave Steve and the doctors alone with her,” he said quietly. He didn’t wait for a response from the other two before he exited the kitchen and made his way up two floors to the medical center.

Your POV

Consciousness returned to you in pieces. First, your hearing returned. Your foggy brain incorporated the sound of doctors talking and working into a melancholy day dream.

Then, your sense of feeling returned. A finger twitched and you were suddenly aware you were awake, not dreaming.

You opened an eye a crack and blinding white light flooded your vision so you quickly shut it again. You tried to move your arm so you could block out the light with a hand, but you realized you couldn’t move your arm at all. You opened your eyes fully, wincing against the light, and took in your surroundings. It became apparent immediately why exactly you couldn’t move your arms. All of your limbs had been cuffed to the bed frame and a thick leather strap around your chest kept you even more firmly in place.

An IV was hooked up to the back of your hand and you stared at it in disgust. You hated needles. Hospitals, too. You looked at your shoulder and assessed the damage. It seemed that the bleeding had stopped and the fact that you couldn’t feel anything meant they had you on some high end pain killers. What you could make out, however, was a mountain of gauze. 

Done with your self assessment, you turned your attention to the room around you. It was a high-tech hospital room, that also seemed to double as a prison cell. Great.

Doctors and nurses milled about, occasionally stopping to talk to the two huge men in the room who stuck out like sore thumbs.

Steve Rogers and... Bucky Barnes, your best friend and arch nemesis.

Bucky must have sensed your gaze because his head turned and his eyes locked with yours. Steve was talking to him, but Bucky didn’t seem to hear him. You swore the room went quiet around you as you stared back at him. You willed him to understand even though you knew it was impossible. He tore his gaze from you and turned to Steve, his face twisted in rage.

“I shouldn’t be here, Steve,” he growled, staring down the blond man.

Steve sighed, running a hand over his face in exhaustion. “We need you here, Buck. Shade has always been your area of-”

“I don’t care, Steve! I didn’t sign up for this!” he yelled. His anger hadn’t gotten the better of him in years, but the recent events had set him back years; towards his darker days. The doctors and nurses were frozen, staring at Bucky and Steve in shock. He seemed to realize the tension his outburst had caused and he quickly mumbled apologies to the staff.

You wanted to comfort him- Your best friend. But now, with his metal arm out in the open, you were violently reminded he wasn’t your best friend. Not anymore. You were about to speak up and ask them about progress when the doors opened and someone you hadn’t expected to see walked in.

“Alright, so I have a few questions for the mysterious immortal woman. How exactly did you get this information? I’m Tony Stark, by the way,” he said, completely ignoring the other people in the room. He tapped away at the tablet computer in his hands, eyes scanning the information on its surface as he made his way over to you.

Steve turned, surprised by Tony’s sudden entrance. When his eyes landed on your conscious form his expression turned severe and he walked over to you and Tony, Bucky trailing reluctantly behind.

“I know who you are,” you said, rolling your eyes at him. He was just as pompous as you thought he’d be.

“Yes, I’m very famous, Blah blah blah, how did you get this information?” he asked, tone more severe than you’d ever heard it on TV. He held the tablet out in front of your face and you glanced at it. On the screen were blueprints you’d secretly gotten copies of. Very high tech, very deadly. It was just the tip of the iceberg if your data mining skills were to be trusted.

“Shadow servers. Not a lot of people have access. Even I only have limited access: I’m nothing but a tool to them... but I’m a damn good hacker. Their security is truly top notch. I only have enough time to download a little information at a time, and that’s part of the most recent cache. They’re planning something big, but I’m not paid the big bucks. I don’t know what their endgame is... but I might be able to find out,” you said, glancing between the three of them as you spoke. Your gaze lingered on Bucky more often than it should have. Looking at him hurt each time. “For a price, of course,” you said, gaze hardening.

“You’re strapped to a chair with a bullet hole in your shoulder and a rap sheet longer than this room is tall and you want to negotiate?” Tony asked, raising an eyebrow. “That is bold. And, if I may say, imbecilic.”

“I’m your only lead. You’ve been tracking Shadow for years and haven’t come even close to cracking the organization. I would know,” you said, tone blunt. “You. Need. Me. And you’re wasting time. My price has an expiration date. If my brother dies I can guarantee you won’t like what comes after,” you said, glaring at all of them. “Save my brother and I’ll tell you everything I know,” you said, head falling back onto your pillows. “Those are my terms,” you said, glaring at the ceiling.

“You said there was a chip in his brain? Something about explosives?” Steve asked, voice kinder than you expected it to be.

You nodded. “Shadow didn’t give me the details, but they did give me a grisly demonstration in the form of exploding the head of an agent who’d failed a mission. It’s remote detonation. The agent didn’t even see it coming. He’d thought he’d been given a second chance. Stupid bastard. Needless to say, I didn’t feel like testing if it’d work a second time on my brother,” you said quietly.

“I can work something out. I should be able to knock out the device with a short ranged-” Tony began, but you cut him off.

“’Should be’?” you asked, turning your head to glare up at him.

“If you’re looking for a guarantee, I can’t give that. Best I can do is an 87% chance of success,” Tony said jovially.

You were thankful for the painkillers. They made breaking your thumb from the pressure of pulling your hand out of your handcuff almost unnoticeable. Almost. You had Tony’s expensive tie in your grasp before Steve and Bucky even realized what was happening. You yanked it hard until his face was inches from yours.

“Do better than 87%, Mr. Stark,” you hissed, shoving him backwards as Bucky and Steve rushed forward to restrain you. You glared at him as he exited the room backwards, eyes locked with yours as he fixed his tie, eyes wide with fear. “And don’t you dare leave him in that fucking hospital!” You yelled just before the door shut.

“Damnit, Shade. Was that really necessary?” Bucky hissed, holding you down as Steve velcro-strapped your wrists and arms to the bed.

“Yes,” you growled. “And that’s not. My. Name,” you said, gaze locking onto his.

Steve glanced between the two of you and realized he wanted to be anywhere but there just then. “If Tony’s here it means Dr. Banner is probably back, too. I’m going to go get him. He might be able to clear up the whole mutant DNA thing,” he said hastily, exiting even quicker than Tony had.

Bucky merely grunted in acknowledgement as he glared at you intently. “I’m not calling you (Y/N),” he said, pulling up a chair so he could sit a few feet away from you; likely so that he was close enough to stop you quickly if need be.

“And why not? It’s my name,” you said grumpily. Your pain meds were wearing off and you were suddenly regretting breaking your thumb to get at Tony.

“Because it was a lie. You lied to me for years,” he said, glaring darkly at you.

You rolled your eyes at him. “And you didn’t lie to me?” you asked, temper short from how much pain you were in.

“That’s not the same,” he growled, tense in his seat.

“Isn’t it?” you asked, voice challenging. “I didn’t tell you about my time as Shade to keep you- no, James- safe from that life,” you said, wishing he’d understand. His steel blue eyes searched yours and you didn’t realize until that exact moment how much you missed your best friend. “I already lost my brother to them and I didn’t-” your voice died in your throat you and looked away from Bucky, unable to look him in the eye. “-I didn’t want to lose you, too,” you whispered.

“I just don’t know what I can believe anymore,” he said quietly. You turned your head back to look at him but his eyes were trained on the ground in front of him. “You weren’t... you were supposed to be normal,” he whispered, gaze lifting slowly until it met yours.

“So were you,” you said, sardonic smile on your lips.   

It looked like he was about to say something but the door to your room opened again and Natasha and Tony walked in, closely followed by Steve and someone you recognized as Doctor Bruce Banner.

“So?” Bucky asked them, tearing his gaze away from you.

“Intel looks good and it’s more than we’ve gotten in the last year. We can do some serious damage to Shadow on this information alone, not to mention what more like it would do,” Natasha informed him, tossing him hard copies of some of the information on the flash drive. He caught it, glancing through it briefly before Bruce spoke up, grabbing his attention.

“I’ve looked into the blood samples we got. Her genetic code really is irregular. It produces redundant systems and due to the mutation of proteins in her cells-”

“Bruce, I have a sinking feeling I’m not going to understand any of your explanation,” Bucky said, sighing as he leaned back in his chair.

Bruce looked to Tony, who shrugged. “I understood all of it perfectly earlier,” Tony said, sounding as though they’d been talking about something as simple as making baking soda volcanoes. Bruce looked to Natasha and Steve, who gave noncommittal shrugs.

“You could have just told me you didn’t understand what I was saying, guys,” Bruce said, sighing as he removed his glasses and rubbed his face in exhaustion.

“You and Tony were on a roll. Didn’t want to interrupt,” Natasha said, smiling fondly at the doctor who smiled shyly and shifted awkwardly at her attention.

“Well, what it boils down to is that Ms. (Y/L/N) really is immortal, as she claims. I can’t tell exactly how old she is from her bloodwork alone, but it is safe to say she could be thousands of years old,” Bruce said, looking as though he couldn’t quite believe what he was saying. 

“How rude. I’m only 934 for your information. The nerve of young men these days,” you said jokingly, grinning at all of them. They didn’t react. “Damn, tough crowd,” you mumbled, looking away from them to stare at the eggshell walls.

“So as far as we can tell, she’s telling the truth?” Steve asked, sounding dubious.

“It does seem that way, yes,” Natasha said, glancing between you and Bucky. You looked back at them in time to see Bucky nod in acknowledgement.

“Well now that that’s out of the way, your next step is clear. Get my brother out of Shadow’s grasp. Alive. I can’t be there; they’d see me coming a mile away. Not to mention I have a hole in my shoulder and a medication-fogged brain. You’ll have to disable the remote detonator somehow before you make a move on Gabe himself. As far as I know the hospital’s staff is clean. I doubt they have agents stationed inside.The problems come after you exit the hospital. They definitely have Gabe under observation. The second you show your hand they’ll move to stop you,” you said, voice almost militaristic in your instructions. You were looking at Bucky as you spoke, but he was avoiding your gaze, staring at the ground, seemingly lost in thought.

“I have an idea about disabling the chip. FRIDAY, can you get Wilson and his suit up to my lab asap? Make sure he brings that little drone. It’s important,” Tony spoke to the ceiling. An Irish brogue answered. An AI, it seemed.

“Right away, Mr. Stark,” it answered as Tony left the room with Bruce trailing after.

Bucky heaved out a sigh before he spoke up. “Natasha, Steve. You two and Wilson will be the ground team. I can’t go in, they’ll-”

“No,” you said obstinately, glaring at him.

He finally looked at you, blue-grey eyes boring into yours. “No?” he asked simply, seemingly shocked.

“You’re going,” You said, gaze hard.

“I’ll just put him in danger-” Bucky said, tone heating up. What right did you have to order him around?

“You’re the only one I trust with Gabe. Besides, if they knew you were The Soldier they would have killed Gabe ages ago... probably the first time I took you to visit him,” you said stubbornly. “You’re going,” you said again, jaw set.

Natasha and Steve looked at each other, unsure, watching your battle of wills.

“Steve, Nat. Go get the blueprints for the hospital and surrounding area and start coming up with an extraction plan,” he said, voice deadly quiet. They nodded and exited quickly, sensing the oncoming storm. The second the door shut Bucky spoke, anger barely controlled.

“You don’t give the orders around here, Shade,” Bucky spat, standing up suddenly.

“Oh stop throwing that sanctimonious shit in my face, James,” you hissed. He recoiled at the use of his name as though you’d slapped him. “Do you think I liked hurting people? You think I wanted to do any of the shit Shadow told me to do? I was a good person before Shadow sunk their festering claws into me! For the last hundred years I’ve held onto every scrap of sanity I could come by, hoping one day I’d be able to rescue my brother and escape Shadow! You don’t get to stand there and lecture me on right and wrong, James Buchanan Barnes! You can’t stand there and believe me beyond redemption with a past like yours!” you yelled, but it seemed like you’d crossed a line with the last thing you said.

He was bent over your bed in a flash, eyes alight with anger, fingers digging into the guard rails of the hospital bed. “Don’t you dare compare me to you! It’s exactly my past that makes me think you are beyond redemption!” he bellowed. The bed’s railings squealed as his metal hand crushed it. He released it suddenly, the metal warping dangerously before his fingers let go.

Your eyes didn’t leave Bucky’s, unwilling to back down. His gaze roamed your face as his chest heaved, adrenaline running through his veins. Without warning he turned and stormed out of the room, leaving you to dwell on his words.

Although the entire confrontation replayed itself in your head over and over again, one thought kept popping up.

Does he think himself beyond redemption? you wondered quietly, your only answer the beeping of machines.

Part 6

This series is finished, but if you want to be tagged in my other fics, check out  this post! Sorry, but responses to this post asking to be tagged will be ignored, so send me an ask or like one of the taglist posts!

☕ Buy Me a Coffee! ☕

[zoegmiller]

if you fall into a hole where no one can find you

the pain in your shoulder every morning reminds you how old you are, how little money you make, how little progress you’ve made,

and how ungrateful you are for all your blessings, which are so, so many

you could call your psych and ask for xanax. even though the fear of her saying no, the embarrassment of having asked for something you weren’t allowed to have, that you should’ve known you weren’t allowed to have, fills you with this insurmountable dread somehow worse than the original feeling

i think she would say no?

but i’ve never asked

i just assume everyone will say no to everything

dumb bitch who has a psych in the first place what are you crying about

the desire to strike yourself and the embarrassment you feel at convincing yourself that is performative, even if you don’t tell anyone, you’re still just doing it to get attention

shake it off, shake it off

you can deal with any one thing, literally any one thing

but once it’s two watch out, doesn’t even matter what, they will crush you, compact into a hard ball in your stomach and make you sick

punishing yourself because the things that upset you are so insignificant

just shape up

you can give permission for anyone to feel any way about themselves, you can feel happy for anyone who’s doing what they need to do, except yourself

i used to want ppl to do terrible things to me. slap me. kneel on my neck. scratch my face. make me cry. draw out pain i couldn’t feel in my brain because i was too young and stupid to understand why i felt the way i felt. now i’m happy, i’m old, i have a good life, and i don’t want those things any more. i reflect on them like, ‘how fucked up was i, wow, i’m so much happier now’ which is simultaneously true x1000% and yet i can’t think of a time when i felt as consciously, tangibly horrible as the waves that sometimes hit me nowadays. was it worse when i let people kick me?

i think about those pages in the middle of my lesbian experience with loneliness every single time this happens. even thinking about it now, my heart rate calms, knowing that someone else was/is stuck in the exact same pit

i’m breathing again, so that’s nice

how do you convince yourself you have a good life? how do you make it stick?

you get upset about finances and you say ‘i know this is as much my fault as yours’ and still she gets defensive. what can you do? you don’t want to blame her for anything. you want her to be happy too. but how can you not think that in less than a year this will not be enough money

why are you writing this, in an hour you’ll completely forget what it was like to feel this way

because of this shit paradox of wanting to be left alone but wanting someone to take care of you, of wanting to scream when nobody’s around, but secretly wanting somebody to be around

i’m sorry to anyone actually reading this. i want to go back to reblogging cute things, posting smut, feeling like i have a presence. i hate being a downer, but the only way i can think to calm myself down is putting something out into the void

i hope i didn’t make anyone sick. i’ll be okay