#I don’t care about anything! except how you perceive me!

[floral-hex]

oof, super cute emo girl with big mushroom earrings working at the gas station, and then I saw her a couple of hours later at the walmart nearby 😩

[aemonds-sapphire]

Aftercare

Summary: You aren't sure if there is anything else Aemond can do to make you fall harder for him, but this certainly does it.

Pairing: Aemond Targaryen x fem!reader (lover)

Warnings: NSFW (very mild), Hurt/Comfort, Vulnerable and soft Aemond.

Word count: 1k

A/N: I'm a firm believer that Aemond is loyal and caring to those he has a bond with (the relationship with his mother proves that exactly). This is my attempt at portraying a more open and vulnerable Aemond. With this being said, I apologise in advance for the amount of fluff. But he deserves it! Set after he was named kinslayer.

A/N 2: I had to delete it and post again. My latest fics haven´t been showing up in the tags for some reason :/ sorry...

Warm kisses pressed along your jawline had you sigh as the concoction of hormones plunged gradually. It had become a ritual after sex, and one that you never knew you’d crave and cherish so much.

Aemond Targaryen was still buried deep within you. It wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable having his cock soften with each passing second. If anything, it made you feel closer to him.

“Are you feeling well?” he murmured, his breath tickling your cheeks.

Nodding curtly, you shifted slightly against him and smiled as he planted a soft kiss on your nose.

To anyone outside these four walls, he was nothing but the kinslayer, bound to having his whole identity be reduced to that of a heartless cold man who had his dragon kill his nephew. He was perceived as no more as someone who spared no sympathy or mercy.

But outside these four walls, you couldn’t have him like this. Stripped bare. Body and soul. He put on a mask and did his best to remind anyone who crossed his path that he didn't truly care about anything or anyone except his mother.

How wrong they all were.

How wrong he was.

“You are so...” his voice faded momentarily as he quietly studied your face. “... gevie.” he finally said as an afterthought, cupping your face lovingly and caressing your cheek with his thumb.

“You... you are beautiful...” you immediately offered back, which had his blue eye tear away from yours.

He wasn’t used to being praised. All he had ever known his entire life had been pain and grief. Even his mother's love couldn't make up for all the hurt he had experienced at those who were supposed to love him unconditionally. After what had recently happened in Storm's End, it had become significantly harder to have him open up to you. Even so, extending loving words to him was a sure way to having his entire devotion.

Succeeding in having his walls tumbling down, if even only for a fleeting moment, was not an easy feat. He constantly struggled with allowing himself to be deserving.

You placed your hand on his face, mimicking his caress on you. As your thumb grazed the narrow bump of the scar that ran across his left eye, you felt him stiffen lightly.

“I adore you,” your voice was but a whisper.

Aemond didn’t return the gesture, but there was no coldness in his touch. You’d grown used to his silent displays of affection. They spoke louder than any words ever could.

He took your hand in his and pressed a kiss on your lips before pulling out if you in a swift motion.

The sudden emptiness had a shiver spreading across your skin. His warmth soon vanished as he sat back on the bed.

Just as you prepared to swing your legs to the edge, he placed both hands on your thighs, holding you in place.

“Let me take care of you.”

Surprise jabbed through your heart, and you felt a sudden wave of tranquility wash over you.

Aemond’s lips curled into the faintest of smiles followed by a sharp exhale.

Curiosity was battling with your urge to clean up as his thick and warm cum started to spill from you, and layers of sweat sprawled along your entire body.

You had a faint idea of what he intended to do, and it caused your heart to swell.

“You don’t have to...”

He ignored you, extending his hand to grab a hand cloth from the nightstand.

As soon as he brought it to your damp forehead, you jolted.

“Really... you don’t ha—"

“Why not?” he immediately cut you off, and you recognized the beginning of a frown settling on his face… and something else.

While you were merely trying to let him know that this wasn’t at all necessary, Aemond perceived it as something else entirely.

Rejection.

The soft piece of fabric hovered over your skin as he awaited your reply.

It was utterly painful to see how the grip from his past insisted on slipping through every crack of his being. From his father who had done little to make him feel loved to the multiple dragons that had refused to bond with him util Vhagar came along. The insecurity… the fear of rejection… the constant attempts at proving that he was worthy of compassion... love even.

Slowly, you placed your hand on top of his still one, showing him that he was free to go on.

He hesitated at first.

But you smiled reassuringly, and he fell for it. His beautiful features softened as your fingers caressed his hand. A genuine sigh of relief escaped your lips once you felt the piece of cloth brushing along your skin once again.

“I've been wanting to do this for a while,” he said as if lost in the moment.

Even if you were just his lover, you couldn't help but to feel fortunate to have this side of him all to yourself. In fact, you often wondered if, when the time to take a wife came , you'd be able to carry on with your life as expected, knowing that the best you ever had had not ever been yours.

But you couldn’t keep yourself from smiling at the unexpected tenderness. “Really?”

“Kessa… you deserve that much,” he went on, carefully swiping the sweat away with skillful strokes. "You took care of me when others would refuse to."

There was a hint in his voice of something you couldn’t quite identify. It wasn’t sadness nor anger.

He sounded relieved.

“Even though mother tried her best, it was just not…” he trailed off momentarily once the cloth reached your lips. “I'm merely returning the favour.”

Your mind urged you to say something comforting and poetic, but silence took over instead as your body blissfully welcomed his every touch.

He had settled for having the palm of his other hand trail after the other, using the warmth to soothe you.

“Does this feel good?” he asked.

You nodded. “More than good.”

A genuine smile tugged at his lips, highlighting his beauty. “So you feel good,” he concluded.

“I do. And you?” you asked sweetly as his warm hand moved downward to join the cloth that was resting on your lower abdomen.

Aemond’s blue eye lit up, visibly staggered by your question. The reason was, quite frankly, simultaneously heartwarming and heartbreaking.

Barely anyone bothered asking him that. Something so simple, yet he had rarely experienced it. Not until you.

“I’m… good…” he replied, rubbing the fabric along your folds to clean you up from the mixture of your own wetness with his cum.

You jolted when it nudged your still sensitive clit, and Aemond immediately slowed down his movements. “Too much?”

“It’'s good,” you assured him, your sleepy eyes taking in as much as possible.

In time, you were able to learn that there was beauty in silence. In just appreciating Aemond's company. The world outside thrived in chaos, but here it was just the two of you.

It had taken him a long time to let you in and even longer to give himself to you. You had seen the worst of him, through nightmares that would have him scream into the night, to witnessing him struggling to deal with the weight of having started a war. However, you had also experienced him bettering himself for you.

Because of you.

You lay there in silence, but your heart was beating at a deafening pace. No "I adore you's" came from Aemond that night, or any night that followed. But none of those were needed, in truth. Those three words would never be able to convey his adoration for you, or yours for him.

So you took a mental note to scrap that proclamation from your mind, vowing never to murmur those words together ever again.

No more telling him how much you loved him; you’d show him, just as he’d show you.

[vigilskeep]

hiya!! I never learned much about oghren besides what I needed to because, from what I remember, he pissed me off so bad with misogynistic comments that in both my playthroughs I kicked him out of the party as soon as the game would let me😂what would you say is the appeal of his character? it seems there’s more to him if I could’ve got past that, based on the posts of yours I’ve seen

i’m not going to make an argument for pushing through if you can’t deal with how he talks because like, it sucks and as i say, they did not do anything with it or make him get better on that. that being said, i think there is something interesting to his character and what can be done with it.

maybe i’m just desperate for dwarven lore lmao. there are three, total, dwarven companions in the series, counting one from a dlc, and i will take whatever lore i can get from my beloved orzammar

oghren operates in a really fascinating space in orzammar’s caste system. he’s born warrior caste, and once, he was everything orzammar values and a great prospect for a brilliant girl from the smith caste. then when she’s less than twenty and he’s presumably around the same, she becomes a paragon, a living legend, the voice of the ancestors. they soar up to being a noble house in a role neither of them are prepared for. oghren goes from being a very desirable match socially to an uncultured hanger-on who doesn’t even have branka’s attention as she becomes obsessed with her work (and quietly seeks a lover elsewhere in her new house). when branka goes into the deep roads two years before the events of the game, she takes the whole house—except him. and she doesn’t come back. oghren’s the single leftover of a house with no head. he’s also a berserker with ptsd, and when he loses control of himself in the proving arena and kills a young man, he’s no longer allowed to fight within the city bounds. if he left it, he’d be casteless; but inside it, he’s not far from that, unable to be the warrior that orzammar’s culture has always told him it is his only role and purpose to be.

there’s a lot of orzammar caste and gender politics in all of that. the guard who tells you about oghren says that he might have been something to be afraid of before the assembly “practically gelded him” by banning him from fighting. losing your ability to perform your caste role is emasculating and oghren’s over-exaggerated masculinity in his crude jokes is a response to that perceived shame. even before the ban, orzammar has the biggest gender inequality of anywhere we’ve spent time in thedas, and there’s a lot of implied social loss in becoming the lesser partner to his wife. both because she’s a woman and was once a lesser caste than him. in his fade nightmare, he’s drunk in tapsters, as strangers berate him for being a shame to branka’s house, dragging it down. he’s openly mocked in the same way in orzammar for all of this. for him in this dream, and in his life prior to meeting the warden, it’s easier to drink than to listen

there’s a lot to get into about how orzammar treats its warriors. they’re sent against the horrors of the deep roads, taught to harness this berserker rage, to be the only thing that stands between their home and the darkspawn, and... then what? is there a system in place for taking care of those veterans? i doubt they hold the same value once they lose the ability to perform their caste role. oghren talks a little about this, but he’s not even able to conceptualise that he should have been helped, it’s more like, how could they teach me how to fight out there like that and expect me to be able to hold back in that proving fight? a warrior’s going to do what a warrior’s going to do! but i don’t think it’s a surprise that someone like oghren turns to alcohol and i sincerely doubt he’s alone in that. compare it to someone like warden brosca’s mother turning to alcohol to deaden herself to life in dust town, and you can see that the dwarven love of drink so often played for laughs is the weight of the caste system in action

[cinnamonest]

Thinking about terrible terrible boys who use Darling’s social anxiety against themselves

Kaveh who keeps you home because the world is just far too mean, just look at his roommate if you need any reminder. It’s putting himself out there that resulted in his debt, it’s the outside that caused you hurt don’t ever forget. It’s fine, he’ll lavish you enough to fill all you need, you really don’t need any other contact than himself!… and the forced proximity of Alhaitham grrr.

Ayato who keeps bringing you in important social events just to see you cling to him. He doesn’t teach you any etiquette, so you never know what’s socially unacceptable. You stand so close to him, trembling, your voice barely louder than a whisper. It serves as a reminder, see how bad the world is? All of them are vile people. If you run away, who’s to say you won’t end up with someone worse than him? (It’s terrible, how you keep waking these sadistic urges in him. He’s a good man with lots of self restraint but still a man.)

Wriothesley who got you locked up in his office. You complain about boredom, about his behaviour, but he only swat your worries away. He’s not worried about you ever running off, this is an underground prison. Criminals are the only residents, and god knows how many would have enough self control to keep their hands off if he’s not with you. Besides you’ve been here for so long, you have no place on the surface anymore. What would you do, go cry to Neuvillette? Pfff yeah, right. Try saying hello to Clorinde without trembling first.

Yes yes I am FOR this idea, also consider: Kaeya is the top tier candidate for it. He’s already in the top tier of Manipulative Bastardry, but it gets so much worse if he finds a weakness to exploit — and he’s great at sensing those.

He doesn’t mind that you’re introverted. However, he doesn’t just use the situations as opportunities to give you affirmation as a means of comforting you and coaxing you into bonding with him, no, he stoops so much lower than that. Outright taking advantage of it for his own benefit, ensuring he can use every tactic at his disposal to get whatever he wants... except "whatever he wants" actually just tends to be one consistent thing.

In the early stages, where he can pretend he doesn’t know you well enough to be able to feign ignorance to how much it would exhaust you, he makes sure to plan long public outings, watching as your energy quickly drains until you can’t bear another second in the public atmosphere and all but beg him to return home.

This gives him the opportunity to act disappointed (when in reality, he’s overjoyed it’s playing out exactly as planned) — aw, and here he had so many more things he wanted to show you before the night was over, but no worries, it’s fine… no no, it’s fine, really… and now that you’re all nice and feeling guilty, well, that will just make it much easier to coax you into giving him something to compensate for the disappointment you’ve caused once you’re behind closed doors. Maybe you’ll even volunteer it yourself.

But even later on, once he can no longer put on an act of not knowing how easily drained you are, he can still use it against you. Don’t worry, he knows you’re shy and easily tired out, you two can just stay at home tonight… besides, there’s plenty of fun things you can do alone at home, right…? Surely you’ll be able to think of something.

He, however, stoops even lower still, because he’s also willing to exploit your paranoias and insecurities, even if it means hurting you a bit. Part of the reason why you’re so socially withdrawn, he learns, is that you’re afraid of how others perceive you — I’m just annoying them, they all secretly hate me, you say, everyone thinks I’m weird…

And he… doesn’t rush to correct you or anything. Just shrugs.

Ah, who cares what they think? You already have someone who appreciates you as you are, you know.

Not denying it. If anything, it’s a subtle confirmation… he may even throw in a blatant —

Well, sure, they might feel that way, but I don’t. That’s good enough, isn't it? What do you need their attention for...?

— to really drive the point home, and throw in a bit of accusation and guilt for good measure. He likes hearing you immediately panic and stumble over your words as you reassure him that you don't need anyone else... it's adorable, and the ego boost is euphoric.

Honestly, you’re too gullible for your own good, so precious, so cute in how you fall for it so perfectly, effortless on his part. You don’t even hide your reaction in your expression, so transparent and vulnerable, the way your eyes widen with shock and you hang your head and your eyes water, giving him the perfectly opportunity to comfort you and hold you close and assure you it’s okay, they don’t matter, screw them anyway, and so on.

You’re so sweet, so pure. So much so that you almost, almost actually make him feel bad about it. How impressive.

[k-dokja]

Pretty.

— Reader is a wee bit strange, Riddle has a teensy attachment issue. Female reader, has been with Riddle since their younger days. Also written like a tangent I haven’t reread the thing don’t make me

Riddle is pretty.

You remember thinking that one morning when you sit next to him in class. You can’t focus because last night you’ve been staying up late to study and now you can’t perceive anything but the formulas and how pretty Riddle is.

His eyes sharpen with focus while he scribes down on his notes. He always has such pretty handwriting, you love to have him writing letters for you because you can preserve them forever. Riddle always grumbles but he always does as you ask.

Pretty Riddle with his stray stands of hair falling down and obscuring his vision. You reach up to push them out before he can. He looks at you in surprise, not expecting you to act this fast. Then his cheeks redden, noticing your undivided attention. He hisses, “Focus on class, I’m not helping you later if you forgot the materials.”

He returns to his work after that, pointedly ignoring you. Silly Riddle, you wouldn’t ask him to break a rule for you. It would break his heart along with every other breakable thing within his distance. You wouldn’t want him to get unnecessary grievance, not when the pressure is on his shoulder as is.

You want your Riddle to stay pretty. He’s always prettier when he’s happy.

Riddle is pretty, even with his nose and eyes red.

Bundled up in autumn clothes, he looks ready for a new school year already. But he isn’t the one leaving, you are. Your parents have been mindful enough to stay back while you say your goodbyes with Riddle. It warms your heart to have such caring people around you, even if all you can see now is Riddle.

“You better call often,” he says, adjusting your scarf for what would be the sixth time, “I’ll try to visit when I can, but if I—“

“I’ll miss you.”

His eyes widen and you think he looks prettiest then. With his cheeks crimson and his eyes glassy again, he looks away from you, trying to hold back his emotions. Before you can say anything else, he hugs you close. The force of his skinny arms are strong, stronger than anyone would expect. Except for you, because you know. You have hugged Riddle many times. Never did he do it with this ferocity, but you know it is only the intensity of his feeling.

You hug him back, relishing in the feeling of him in your arms. Your pretty Riddle with his pretty scent, you won’t have neither for a while.

“I’ll miss you, too,” he chokes out.

“I’ll think of you often,” you rub soothing circles on his back and he hugs you tighter.

“And I you.”

He pulls back after a moment then looks at you. You wonder if he’s trying to commit your face to his memories and if he worries that the pictures in his phone won’t suffice. Riddle kisses your hair, softer now after the previous outburst. Maybe he worries your parents would have judgement, but that thought is thrown out when he kisses you again.

Hard and bruising, but quick enough to not draw the looks of strangers. His lips part in shock when he retreats, not expecting himself to have pulled that stunt. “My apologies, I…”

You kiss him, on the cheek this time, even if your lips crave for his again. “Let’s meet again, soon,” you silence out any of his thoughts about regret then step away from him.

Silly Riddle, he doesn’t know how pretty he is when he looks like that. He shouldn’t let shame overwhelm him. His memories of you should only be happy, you won’t have it otherwise.

Riddle is pretty, beaming at you from across the yard and brightening when he sees you.

He has promised to visit. He always keeps his promises. Your college is not that far from his and if anything, teleportation is always an option. Never mind the specifics, all that matters is that Riddle is here and he’s happy. Happier when you tackles him with a hug, he accepts you like you’re always meant to be there in his arms.

“Riddle!”

“Hi,” he says, nose buried into the crook of your next, “it’s nice to be with you again.”

“It’s nice for me too,” you cling to him and he shows no opposition to your actions.

Pretty Riddle. Hair nice and soft, he smells prettier than he has been before. You’ve missed him, even with the calls and texts. Nothing can ever replace having him with you. “You should quit Night Raven College and be here with me.”

He laughs. He doesn’t know because you smile when you proposed the idea, but you always meant it. Meant every word when you said you want to be with him forever, meant every feeling when you professed to him.

Maybe he does and he doesn’t mind. Why else would he keep you for this long?

Riddle rarely lets go of your hand for the duration of his stay. You like the proximity, but worry that he’s afraid you might vanish if he lets you go for too long. Silly Riddle, there is no one else you’d want to be with other than him. You never want to worry him and you never stay away for long enough to make him frown.

Pretty as he is then, he’s prettier when he’s happy. You always want your Riddle the best he can be.

Riddle is pretty, on his knee and staring up at you.

You can see it in his eyes, everything you wanted from Riddle and more. Riddle would do anything for you, anything and everything. All you have to do is say yes.

The ring shines a pretty ruby red, pretty like his hair but hard where it is soft. You don’t remember what you said in answer, but Riddle has never been prettier before. When he slides the ring on your finger, all you can see is him. His mouth is moving but you can’t hear the words, you feel him holding you but you can’t sense the warmth.

All that echoes in your head is that you’ll be his, fully and completely. When people speak of you, they’ll call you with his name. Where he ends will be where you begin and it is all and everything that you want from him. Even if he doesn’t promise you a wedding, you’d want your pretty Riddle.

As long as he’s yours and happy, you care for little else. But Riddle is a stickler for rules and traditions. He’d want the wedding, the cake, the dance, and the party. Preparations take long days and long hours before anything is set in stone. You’re impatient, you want to be Riddle’s.

But you won’t voice those thoughts because he looks so happy to prepare. When he smiles at you, nought else seems to matter. Long as the outcome is inevitable, you have no reason to complain.

After all, there is only one and final ending.

Riddle is pretty, pretty in white when the bells toll.

Pretty forever and pretty for you.

[scoobydoodean]

Amara: I can feel the love you feel except

It's cloaked in shame

I would like to know what your interpretation of this dialogue, as your more neutral,

I personally ship destiel so my interpretation was it was leaning to dean feeling ashamed for his feelings for Cas and possible internalised homophobia. Amara: I can feel the love you feel except

It's cloaked in shame

I would like to know what your interpretation of this dialogue, as your more neutral,

I personally ship destiel so my interpretation was it was leaning to dean feeling ashamed for his feelings for Cas, not having Cas return his feelings (that reminded me of J. A saying that he didn't think Cas/angels would feel that way, I'm summarizing) and possible internalised homophobia.

There's discourse as wincest shippers think is about Dean's feelings for Sam romantically.  And that's why its cloaked in shame etc

Or is it about the life that dean wants via retirement and wanting to do something else? Like the only qualm I have over this is Amara saying all the love which for me at least indicates a romantic undertone

Okay—so this took me a while to chew on (and I still am tbqh) and I want to preface this by saying nothing I'm saying here is meant to say this is the only way to interpret the dialogue or that dialogue can't represent more than one thing. But I do have a more neutral interpretation for you, anon.

Relevant passage from 11.13 "Love Hurts", where Dean is attacked by a Qareen—an entity that takes on the shape of your "deepest, darkest, desire" in order to get close enough to rip out your heart.

Dean: Find anything? (He turns to see Amara) Qareen!Amara: I understand Dean. Dean: Is that right? Qareen!Amara: the longing in your heart, I feel it too. Dean: (inching towards the knife) Well that’s touching. Consider that you don’t have a heart. Qareen. [...] Qareen!Amara: Who I am doesn’t matter. The real question is who are you? Dean: What do you mean who am I? Qareen!Amara: You’re a mystery. I can see inside your heart. Feel the love you feel. Except it’s cloaked in shame. When it comes to this, you can’t help yourself, so why fight it. Just give in.

The very first thing I want to point out here, is that the Qareen clearly perceives Amara to be Dean's "deepest darkest desire"—because it takes on her shape—not Cas's shape, or Sam's shape, or hell—Crowley's shape. If it was concerned with the love Dean was feeling for Cas or Sam or someone else deep down, I think it makes sense to say it would have taken one of their shapes—but it doesn't. It presents itself as Amara. And it presents itself as Amara because the Qareen doesn't represent love at all. It represents dark—often fleeting—desire that is mistaken for love. We see this in a few ways.

First, the episode opens with a wife (Melissa) and husband (Dan) going out for an apparent romantic Valentine's Day dinner. They appear deeply in love at first... but then we find out Dan is schtupping the babysitter, Stacy.

Second, while Melissa is out of the room, Stacy and Dan kiss, and Stacy says, "Ew I can taste her mom lipstick…" only to compliment Melissa's lipstick and act like she loves Melissa when Melissa comes back into the room. Stacy also urges Dan to tell Melissa tonight that he's with her now. Dan calls it heartless to do that on Valentine's day, and says he needs time.

Third, while it isn't caught in the transcript, I noticed when I was watching the episode, in the scene where Stacy is at the house alone, flipping through channels on the TV, we catch a snippet of "Rick and Morty" just as the Qareen, in Dan's shape, comes inside the house to kill Stacy.

Rick: You say it is is how it is, but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door. I barely have a reason to care and even I noticed. Morty: Come on, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that! Rick: Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slow fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it. Your parents are gonna do it. Break the cycle, Morty.

Fourth, there's the question of who Dan even actually loves. Does he love Melissa, or Stacy, or neither of them? The Qareen takes Stacy's shape to kill him, which suggests he loves the babysitter, but he's also giving the babysitter the runaround and doesn't necessarily seem willing to commit to her. It seems more like he wants to have his cake in eat it too—get the benefits of his long-term relationship and life together with Melissa, while embroiling himself in a sex-filled affair with someone young and attractive, but who really doesn't come off as long-term partner material (thus our indications of his attempts to stall breaking up with Melissa). He also just... doesn't seem that broken up about Stacy's death.

Fifth, there's Melissa herself, who actually knows about Dan's affair but has kept quiet about it. The Qareen takes the shape of Dan to kill her, because her deepest darkest desire is for Dan to love her back. The Qareen itself is only appearing to all of them because, in a lovesick state, Melissa took a "love spell" from a witch that turned sour (the witch despises women who won't simply leave their cheating husbands, and devised the spell to punish the cheaters and the women who run back to them only for them to cheat again). Melissa wanted to make Dan love her again. But that also... makes me question if she actually loves Dan, or whether she just wants him. If you truly love someone, would you be willing to violate their consent like that—by forcing them to love you back when you believe they've fallen out of love with you?

What I'm saying is... I'm not sure anyone is actually seeing who they truly love. I don't think the Qareen can actually see who people really truly love. It only shows them their "deepest, darkest, desire". It shows them what they want at that exact moment in time—a fall into an illicit affair, a desire to force someone to love you back, or in the case of Amara, escape from captivity—from the prison your loved ones have trapped you inside. The Quareen captures—as Rick tells us—something fleeting and primal—just enough to lower the victim's defenses so it can rip out their heart.

Further, Dean himself vehemently rejects the idea that he loves Amara at the end of the episode, and there's a couple of things I'd like to touch on in this dialogue:

Dean: Honestly? You seriously think the sister of God is my deepest darkest desire? Sam: She isn’t? Dean: No! She can’t be! Sam: Why not? Dean: Why? Because if she is that means that I’m… Sam: Means you’re what? Complicit? Weak? Evil? Dean: For starters, yeah. Sam: Dean. Do you honestly think you ever had a choice in the matter? She’s the sister of God, and for some reason she picked you and that sucks, but if you think I’m gonna blame you or judge you…I’m not. Dean: You know that I want her ass dead. Sam: Yes. Of course. And I know you’ve also probably beaten yourself up a hundred times over it, but where has that gotten us? (Long silence) Just how bad is it? Dean: Standing here right now, every bone in my body wants to run her through. Send her back to that hole she crawled out of. But when I’m near her, I don’t know. Something happens and I can’t explain it, but to call it desire or love…it’s not that. I’m screwed man. We wanna kill the darkness. We need to kill the darkness. And I don’t think I can. I’m sorry to do that to you, ya know, but when it comes right down to it…

First, note the sign blinking "Non-Consensual" through this conversation. What Dean wants to do and his actions when he's actually in Amara's proximity are two very different things. This scares Dean, and it invokes the the memory of Melissa's love spell—her trying to force Dan to love her. Sam points to a severe power imbalance existing between Dean and Amara—implies that anything Amara wants Dean to do, she can likely make him do, and emphasizes that this isn't Dean'a fault or his choice. We get other nods toward the non-consensual element of Dean's connection to Amara in 11.06—how Amara seems able to resist how enthralled she is with Dean and still blast him into walls, but Dean can't lay a hand on her. In 11.13, I think we also get a subtle nod to the non-con angle with Dean going out looking to hook up the first day they're in town for the case, even though he just got lucky the night before and it was clearly a rough night. Sam points out this is unusual for Dean. Imo, this points to Dean trying to reassert control over who he is attracted to and who he shows desire toward.

So consider: "When it comes to this [your attraction to me], you can’t help yourself, so why fight it. Just give in."

Second, notice that Dean is ashamed. This also isn't the first time we've seen this. Dean tried to kill Amara in 11.06 and couldn't. He deflected then hid it when Cas pressed him on Amara getting away. He reiterates the shame he feels here by insisting it can't be true that he desires Amara because that would make him complicit, weak, and evil just for starters. I'm reminded of Dan hiding the nanny cam, only to show Dean the footage of him punching a hole through Stacy's chest, pleading with Dean to believe that it wasn't him when it's someone who looks exactly like him. Dean can't control what happens around Amara, but he feels implicated anyway—he hides in shame.

For these reasons, I think the most direct reading here is that Dean is ashamed of Amara being his "deepest, darkest, desire," and I think it's also possible that talk of "love" by Qareen!Amara is misdirection—false love for Amara (fleeting desire for what she represents) mispresented as real love. Of course, something can mean more than one thing, and I think there's many ways to play in the sandbox with this episode and this dialogue, but I do think the chief thing they wanted to emphasize in this episode was that Dean is scared of his connection to Amara, and that it isn't his choice, but Dean feels shame anyway (so much so that he hides it until this episode). Amara wants him to give into his desire, and the Qareen also wants him to (so it can kill him) and mischaracterizes what Dean feels as love just as it mischaracterizes what Stacy and Dan and Melissa all feel as love.

[comradeboyhalo]

Ok so none of these things actually canonically exist on this server, but it’s really interesting to speculate how the aro-coding of Bad’s characters is perceived by others and how that influences his relationships. I’m also assuming that he’s grey-ace as well and full disclaimer: I’m aroace, so I really can’t speak about the experience of arospecs, just my own perception of romance.

C!Skephalo was never confirmed as romantic by c!Bad, ever. But since the other players assumed they were in an already-existing relationship, they were comfortable defining them as a couple and therefore only teased c!Bad about his relationship with c!Skeppy. c!Sapnap never cared to confirm their relationship, they were just his dads. c!Puffy’s relationship counseling assumed they were a couple going through harsh times. The rest of the server just saw them as a married couple. They never faced any serious pressure to label their relationship. c!Bad’s aromanticism was allowed to exist on the DSMP because he was assumed to be operating as an allo person, when, in reality, c!Skephalo’s relationship is not easily defined.

Q!4halo differs in the sense that they weren’t an existing relationship, but one that developed slowly in everyone’s sight. And, because of that, q!Bad is much more pressured to define whether or not his feelings are romantic. q!Baghera wants a yes/no to preserve the trio’s friendship. q!Forever wants an answer because he’s already struggled with love in the past and doesn’t want to be confused. Even others (q!Cellbit, Richarlyson, Dapper) are waiting for an eventual romantic confirmation. But here’s the thing: just like c!Bad, that romantic confirmation could never happen, because it doesn’t need to happen for him. q!Bad doesn’t want q!Forever in another relationship. He likes when q!Forever to be equally possessive of him. He wants to live and share a family with q!Forever. None of that needs to be explicitly romantic, because giving q!Forever such special treatment is enough. I don’t want to assume q!Bad is similar to my own views on aromanticism, but, to me, there’s not much of a difference between a committed romantic relationship to a committed platonic relationship. If you know that I love you with all my heart…isn’t that enough? Why do we need to be defined?

The reason why c!Skephalo works is that c!Skeppy is content to stay in this undefined relationship. He doesn’t seem to want anything from c!Bad except for 100% commitment/exclusivity, which c!Bad follows for the most part (cough discount skeppy cough). To c!Skeppy, the fact that they will kill and die for each other is enough, and he will equally deny assumptions from others that they’re romantically involved. Honestly, c!Skeppy could also be read as arospec in that sense.

I believe that q!4halo could work out with proper communication and, of course, if q!Forever reciprocates any strong feelings for q!Bad. However, they need to get past the roadblock that q!Bad will likely never define their relationship from his end. And if that’s not enough for q!Forever, who had gotten out of a messy crush and past breakup, then I completely understand. (And all this is without taking into account the giant blue elephant in the room which is a lot…) But either way, I think q!4halo already have such a strong friendship, that even if any romantic inkling dies out, they will stay in a queerplatonic/quasi-queerplatonic relationship.

Sidenote: Personally I see both c!Bad and q!Bad as gay aroace-spec. I think shipping and interpreting his actions as romantic is completely on the table. I just don’t think that in canon he will ever come to that conclusion himself explicitly.

[divinekangaroo]

"In my head, I still pay you for it". It was soo low. Did he really mean it?

Love your fics so much. They're a balm while waiting for the peaky movie.

Yeah I think he did! But not at face value.

He lashes out in very hurtful ways several times, to Arthur, Lizzie, Polly — this is definitely him lashing out at Lizzie.

But also, the things that make him lash out are being hurt himself: so him lashing here I interpret as a hurt he felt by what he read in Lizzie’s letter. If she meant nothing to him, her letter couldn’t hurt him.

And then I think about what he actually said. He could’ve said something like, ‘well, I don’t care what you think because you’re just a gold digging prostitute’. An insult of a Lizzie’s behaviours. But that’s *not* what he said. What he said tells me more about *his* mental state than what he thinks of Lizzie. ‘i still pay you in my head….so good luck with me’ comes across to me more like a comment on his own limitations and behaviours.

‘I can’t stop thinking of our relationship as transactional (which is actually how I think of pretty much all relationships these days), and it doesn’t matter how hard you’re trying to reach me or appeal to some emotional connection to stop what appears to be a suicidal arc…I can’t be reached, I can’t be fixed, I can’t even have sex with you right now and enact that transaction, I can’t do anything other than what I’m doing, I don’t know what to do to change this…so, good luck with me’

This comes from the broader context in this scene too, where she clearly knows he’s suicidal and he tries, both powerfully but also in a very crippled/stilted way, to explain the consequence of his war trauma and older trauma and what it’s done to his world view, and the limitations on how he can act and react these days.

Yeah, he’s trying to hurt her and push her away, but every insult he throws at Lizzie in that scene reflects more on him than her:

-he can’t stop thinking about sex/relationships as transactions: him, his thinking, not a criticism or comment on her behaviours

-he mockingly/bitterly asks if she wants to fuck — his usual transactional offering of his self — then answers ‘thought not’ before she can, because he doesn’t have anything to offer her. almost this undercurrent ‘what else am I good for, what else do we have except fucking, now not even this’

-he mocks her spelling…except he’s the one who had her employed for years as a secretary, and if her spelling was that bad in truth, well…he kept her employed *despite* her spelling no doubt making many work letters look unprofessional. suggesting some care in that employment beyond her ‘transactional utility’. or, her spelling wasn’t that bad and he’s just being an arse, picking on something that makes him look more silly than her.

Anyway, individual perspectives may vary, but I find most of what Tommy says to Lizzie in S5 is about himself and his mental state, not actually passing much comment on her. He is unable to look past himself in S5. She is incidental and non-influential in what’s going on, despite her efforts. It’s her disempowerment in S5 that makes the shift to that broken carer dynamic (albeit just as powerless to meaningfully help him) in S6 so fascinating, especially when tied to the opening scene of Lizzie returning his bullets.

…so still a fight and still hurtful, but I don’t perceive this scene as the slagging off/ insulting of Lizzie that this scene usually gets interpreted as, and Lizzie herself doesn’t interpret his words as hurtful either. She seems to have been more hurt by things he said in the past intended to be kind, than she’s hurt by his lame attempt here to lash out.

[restlesshush]

I know people love the “Cas can hear longing” thing, but the thing is the textual basis for it is actually pretty shaky, and it also just definitely doesn’t serve the purpose re Cas and Dean’s relationship more broadly that people want it to.

Okay so, re the textual basis: literally the only reason this concept exists is because buckleming needed a justification for Cas running into Claire again in 10x10, and her actively praying was too implausible, so they come up with “uhhh okay – her sort of wanting to counts” instead. Obviously that’s not in itself a reason to discard a piece of lore, because it is still in the show (though buckleming do have a tendency towards dropping garbage nonsensical lore, so…), but – more importantly – because of the function it was meant to serve, in context it’s a bit of a leap to take it as Cas hearing longing in general. Specifically, Cas follows up the ‘longing’ mention with asking Claire “perhaps you wanted to tell me something?”, to which she eventually concedes she does. The exchange is kind of clumsily worded – because it’s a buckleming episode –, but it seems like the mechanic is that Cas can tell if someone is perhaps ‘longing’ to pray to him, which is not at all the same as implying he could perceive longing in a romantic or other emotional sense.

Which is good, because if that were true, the implications re destiel are not ones that we want. Basically, if Dean is longing for Cas and Cas can perceive that, he’s not acting on it, so the options are that either this isn’t actually something he can perceive, or there’s nothing there to perceive. We know Cas is in love with Dean the entire time, and we know that he knows this by the 12x12 love confession at the very latest (but presumably much earlier) so even if the 15x18 confession didn’t make explicit that Cas doesn’t think Dean’s in love with him, we’ve got a very significant amount of time where Cas would in theory want to act on Dean’s ‘longing’ if he knew about it, except he not only isn’t, but also seems kind of afraid (“…I love all of you”) of making it too obvious that he’s in love with Dean in the first place. If he can perceive longing, he isn’t perceiving any from Dean directed towards him (which was a crucial part of the mechanic, as laid out “angels are able to find those who pray to them”) which isn’t really what we want to be implying.

And I mean fortunately, I don’t think the text really implies this at all, but I do feel this is worth flagging because people often seem to lean kind of heavily on the longing mechanic / Cas’s angelic senses in general for justifying Cas having an access to / understanding of Dean’s feelings that really isn’t supported by the show. Right up until the end, Cas really doesn’t seem confident at all of his place in Dean’s life, even beyond the question of Dean being in love with him or not, because – as I think is pretty widely acknowledged – the most compelling evidence for Dean being in love with / caring about Cas is how he responds when Cas is dead, which obviously Cas doesn’t see. Cas’s (very significant) insecurities re his and Dean’s relationship often go largely neglected, and using lore explanations to sidestep them is generally just quite lazy, and kind of does Cas a disservice. This isn’t to take away from people’s headcanons or anything, but I think it is worth pointing out that despite it very frequently being treated as fact, Cas hearing/feeling longing in a romantic/emotional sense is just a headcanon, and not really as useful a one as people seem to think.

[river-of-wine]

Give another Molly O'Shea rant

I gladly will!

It is always very strange to me how mad people seem to be about Molly not seeming to like the rest of the gang. Yes, we as the player like them. We are not in Molly’s position. We are playing the game from the perspective of somebody who is largely liked and respected in the gang and we will experience the gang members as such, and neither of these things apply to Molly. She is in a group of 20+ people, she is in an abusive relationship that everybody is aware of, and no one is on her side. It doesn’t matter how much they dislike her or not, because no one really does like her for whatever manner of reasons that person has, and Molly can certainly feel that. Not only is she in an abusive relationship, she is in an abusive relationship with their leader. That’s not exactly a comforting thought, especially not when everybody can hear you arguing day and night and don’t do a thing.

The gang don’t all hate Molly the way she eventually perceives but when she’s around, the majority of them do not spare a single thought for her, even when she’s right in front of them. When she tries to properly reach out to Arthur, somebody who knows Dutch well and could feasibly help her somehow, even if it’s just easing her worries about Dutch that she never gets to properly voice, she is interrupted in favour of Uncle of all people and swept aside. She will argue with Dutch and sob in the wide open and no one really cares, leaving her alone to cry on the floor.

There are exceptions to this, but it’s very few. Abigail does earnestly try to give Molly advice in chapter 3 when Molly is trying to talk about something we don’t ever get to hear, blunt as it is, and Karen reaches out to her in chapter 4 and defends her when she’s gone. However, these are two people, and though most of the gang are not directly hostile towards Molly she is still drowning in a sea of indifference at best. She’s being abused and everybody knows but nobody with any real power - wether their attempts would have worked or not, which knowing Dutch is incredibly unlikely - does anything to help her or put a stop to what is happening.

This is not me trying to say Molly’s perspective is entirely correct. She becomes more and more paranoid as the game goes along and while some people were talking about her - Karen namely - it certainly isn’t everyone all the time the way she seems to think it is. The gang is not all against Molly, it’s just that most of them don’t care, but that still hurts her deeply. I am also not trying to villainise the entire gang for not dropping everything in exchange for saving Molly from this relationship. That wasn’t going to happen and I didn’t expect it to for a whole variety of reasons. However, Molly’s perspective on the people around her is one that is rarely considered yet important to take into account when it comes to her attitude towards people, her isolation and her worsening mental state in the environment she finds herself in. Yeah I don’t blame her for not liking them

[sodor-spirit]

Lady continued floating away, the clear sighted boy still following after her. She only reached to a few feet before the Steam Creator let loose another sigh and turned back around to face the inquisitive child.

“Surely, someone is taking care of you,” She spoke to him, her tone of voice still hard and icy then how it normally is. “Your… (What is that word?) Parents? Where are they?”

The boy’s face melted to one of utter misery, washing over him and slumping down onto his shoulders. “I… I don’t have parents…. Not anymore…”

Hearing this made Lady drop her cold expression and closed off body language. She looked at the little human with clear shock in her eyes. The Creator didn’t really consider herself a parent, since she always sent the steam spirits souls down to Earth the moment they’re created (except for one special little soul), but she knew that parents seems to mean some among humans.

Lady was about to open her mouth to ask what happened to them, but the sad young boy beat her to it. “Someone set my old house on fire and… they did make it…” He wiped away the tears and snot away from his face. “I don’t have anyone else to care for me… expect my friend, Tasha.”

“Oh…” The Creator extended her hand out to the boy, only to hesitate and bring it back. “I…I”m so sorry that happened to you, little human…” It was no lie. She truly was sad for the poor boy loosing his parents in such a way, like how most of her Steam Spirits are being scrapped and melted down.

But… she still wasn’t sure whether to trust the young boy and take him with her. “Regardless, my answer is still no. I understand how hard it is to lose someone so precious to you forever, but I still can’t take you with me to find my other half on this strange dimension.” A scoff left her lips. “Why would I even trust you? Considering how your kind treats my creations.”

The boy’s cheeks puffed out in indignation. “You can’t blame me for being one of them and I can see you so that must mean I’m different!” He grumbled, trying to keep up with the magical lady, floating a few feet of the ground and away. “And besides, you don’t even know where he is or anything about my world. Wait up!” He started running after her. “I can help you! Let me help you find your husband!”

Lady was about to yell back that Diesel 10 is not her husband (Humans and their weird labels for everything, she’ll never understand it), but started to really consider the boy’s words. He had some points in his attempt at trying to convince her; Lady didn’t know much about the human dimension, she had no way of knowing where Ten has fallen after that shadowy monster attacked them. and this incredibly annoying and stubborn child has been living on this world for his entire life, so he must know how to get around this horrid place and survive.

And he may also have some potential in the mystical arts considering he’s able to see her. Maybe one day even as her successor when he reaches the end of his lifespan, but we’ll see how that goes.

The Gold dust creator let out one final sigh, brushing some of her bangs out of the way and turns back to the human child.

“Okay, fine.”

He looked up at the mysterious lady, eyes filled with surprise and disbelief. “Really? I can go with you?”

Lady’s face turn a slight shade of stubborn pink. “Yes. I do need help to finding my other half on this dimension, you’re the only one who can perceive me and…” Her features soften, but only a short amount. “I don’t understand how human families work but no one should be leaving you all alone if your parents are gone. So I guess you are better off guiding me.” With that display of swallowed pride, she held her hand out to the boy.

Sparkles appeared in his eyes, running up to her and taking the hand. The two started walking towards the Mountain range where Muffle Mountain is situated.

“Well then young soul, enlightened me,” Lady spoke to her new guide. “What’s your name?”

“I’m Burnett. Burnett Stone.” The young boy introduced himself with the largest smile on his face. “What’s yours?”

“My name is Lady.”

END?

[im-a-king-baby]

Hi!

I'm done with my re-reading of ELYN, and THE line I will keep with me is this one :

“I don’t want anything from you.”

Simon pulls back to look at him. He’s applied concealer to the bags under his eyes, this close Wilhelm can see the streaks of it on his skin as he gives a weak smile. “You want the most of anyone.” Which isn’t fair and isn’t true. Except that it is. “I just want you to be happy.”

“Yeah,” Simon says. “That.”

This is sooo powerful ! The weight of the expectations of your loved one... 😭❤😭❤

And I would love to know why Simon gave Wille a key for his room... What was he expecting ?

And if it's not too much, what do you think made August get clean and turn his back to royalty ?

Again, thank you so much for this story ! ❤

Hiii, sorry this took so long. Can't believe I am expected to work a job instead of just having fanfic related feelings on tumblr all day every day. Very rude. None stars.

(if your ask is in my inbox I promise I am getting to it! If you still want to submit questions for any of the memes I reblogged, I will happily ramble all day every day so the ask box is always open <3 )

"I just want you to be happy."

(I need you all to know that doing this meme is really reinforcing the 'a first draft does not have to be perfect or even good' mantra because guess what was also not in draft 1! All of this!)

There is a side of Simon's character that I think is justified in canon which is that he doesn't like letting people down. He switches schools to support Sara, he agrees to date Marcus even though he clearly doesn't want to because Marcus asks. So this moment starts with Simon talking about how he started on coke because he didn't want to let the fans down by being exhausted. Originally there was another step in the middle where he talks about how Candace wanted him to get clean but also be the superstar (and do a documentary!) and he couldn't see a way to have both. And then that his breakthrough was hiring Joseph, and Keira and realising that having money means you can pay people to care about you in very specific ways.

Wilhelm swallows. “Sometimes people help you just because they want to.” Simon’s mouth quirks slightly off to the side, like Wilhelm’s said something amusing. “That’s what they tell you. But they always want something from you, you just don’t realise what until it’s too late.” “I don’t want anything.”

Wilhelm I think genuinely believes that he's telling the truth here, but Simon has had to become a lot more aware of how he is perceived and the expectations of him from having this very public career. Like, for all Wilhelm saying 'you can take time, the fans won't disappear if it takes you more than 2 months to make an album', Simon has also seen the fan tweets complaining when the tour skips certain cities/countries, when they have to wait for the album, when they don't release a tour vlog. (One of the big reasons he doesn't have a phone is to stop him from reading all of that because at a certain point you can't satisfy everyone and Candace is like 'this is not helping you so let's put a stop to it.')

So in this moment Wilhelm is saying 'I don't want anything' but also he wants them to be together and happy and Simon is very aware that the easiest way for him to be happy is by drinking and taking the drugs. He's spent the last week and a half in coke withdrawal which is basically just being miserable all the time and going into rehab is going to be more of that. And then, the Simon who comes out of rehab is going to be very different from Simme-the-popstar and different to Simon-from-high-school and current-Simon has no idea what that person will look like or if it will even be someone Wilhelm likes.

So for Simon getting clean means getting away from anyone else's idea of who he should be. And that's hard. And sometimes you hit on the perfect line to articulate what would otherwise be 5 paragraphs of rambling tumblr post and those moments are the best part of writing for all that they come so rarely <3 (and also they do not always come in draft 1 and that's okay)

2. Why does Simon invite Wilhelm to the hotel room

I think SImon's base logic is the same as why Wilhelm went, this sense of 'if we can get away from the cameras we can be Us instead of Simme and Crown Prince Wilhelm and things will make sense again.' But on top of that is this thing that Simon is doing where he is attempting to use sex to solve his problems (arguably this desire is coming from the same place as the drinking and the coke. It's the 'I don't know how to feel good when I'm not performing, but if I invite someone up they'll tell me I'm amazing and then we can have orgasms and that'll feel good for a little while').

So Simon is thinking 'I need to see him in private' but then he doesn't have any plan beyond that so it's back to the usual plan of sex=feeling good, with a side line in 'if I give him a good enough time he won't notice anything weird or ask any questions and everything will be fine.'

(I do have a while Simon POV scene of the hotel after Wilhelm leaves that will probably be posted somewhere at some point so here is a teaser:

Wilhelm must have left by now. And if part of Simon was hoping that he’d still be there when Simon opened the door - so SImon could say what, he doesn’t know - that part is quiet enough not to show surprise when there’s just Gareth in the hallway in his perfectly pressed suit with his perfectly neutral gaze. Does Gareth feel emotion? Nobody knows. He has all of one facial expression so if he’s judging Simon for bringing the prince of Sweden up to his rooms or judging him for failing to keep the prince of Sweden there for longer than an hour, or not judging him at all because he has full respect for the whore lifestyle, Simon never has to know.

3. August

Oh hey! I thought this choice might get me more hate so thanks to everyone for coming on board with me for the off-screen August redemption arc 😅

So fundamentally ELYN (and, yknow, YR) is a story about legacy and inheritance. Both the big glaringly obvious thing of the crown, but also the other things: the secrets, the class culture, and the genetic predisposition to addiction. (I can't remember right now if August's father's suicide was drug-related in the show, but for the fic I definitely had that in my mind).

So August functions as a parallel for both Simon and Wilhelm. The obvious 'was taking drugs to cope with stress, stress kept increasing, ultimately broke under it' . But also on Wilhelm's side, August is desperately trying to live up to the legacy of a dead man. He's idolising his father, wanting to make him proud and unable to acknowledge that this culture of appearing perfect and not talking about problems is what killed him.

The way I always pictured August's arc was that he hit rock bottom somewhere in the military - he'd been relying on pills to get him through stress, this was infinitely more stress than high school, plus the fallout from Sara's confession (which had been covered up by the court, but was still impacting him). I never had a concrete idea of what the exact rock bottom was (maybe stealing pills?), but he was dishonorably discharged and checked himself into rehab where he basically got a big dose of Welcome to Real Life. Meeting normal people. Realising they're not so different. 'There's a whole world out there that's not our careful circle of cultivated Heirs and Heiresses and people have problems but they also have whole entire lives where none of these things you're so worried about matter at all.'

And he did the work. He re-evaluated his biases. He grew up. He met a girl, who I think was class-adjacent but more practical than the Hillerska-royalty types (I like to think she was maybe an art assessor who came to help him auction off large parts of the estate holdings) and they got talking. Their relationship seems to have moved pretty fast, but hey August took some pride in the elements of being prefect that involved taking care of people so maybe he's ready for a family. (Originally there were going to be 8 years between the show and the fic so I gave him 3 kids, and then when I cut it down to 6years it felt mean to delete a baby so that's why he has twins.)

The 12 step program has a step for 'making amends', I think August probably got in touch with Wilhelm and was like 'I owe you an apology and amends, and I understand if you don't want to talk to me but if I can ever help you or Simon, I'm here.' And that went ignored until Wilhelm called him from basic training, and then five years later when he got a call from Simon in hospital like 'So Malin gave me your number...'

One other bonus August ELYN headcanon I have is that Wilhelm phoned August from the car on his way to the debate and was like:

"I think if I do it now I can bring it all down, but if I can't they're going to come after you, and then the children. I'm sorry I can't protect them anymore." "It's my job to look after my family," August says. "And I promise I will not let any of this shit touch them. You have my full support, go do what you have to do."

(there is a whole other tumblr post about how I don't believe in writing bad people just people who sometimes make bad choices but this is already Very Long and I'm not sure if I actually answered the questions so we'll leave it there 😅)

[bestworstcase]

How much of Ironwood's decision making do you think is informed by his semblance? Or is it a non-factor?

ooh this one is fun because i don’t agree with ✨any✨ of the common takes that i’ve seen across the spectrum from “mettle is auto-brainwashing” to “mettle is just the trigger he pulls on a gun”

and i need to preface by saying that i have adhd, and i experience EXTREME hyperfocus. extreme like i work from home and enjoy my job so i accidentally pull 14-16 hour days about 2-4 times a month because i’ll get going on a task after lunch and blink and it’s four in the morning. extreme like before i went on meds i needed to set alarms for mealtimes to avoid starving myself to death and that still only worked half the time. extreme like i have to be careful about reading books because i will not stop reading until i’m finished and very long books can prevent me from sleeping multiple nights in a row.

that said i do not and have never experienced hyperfocus as involuntary. i am always surprised by how much time has elapsed, because it never feels like more than maybe half an hour tops and it is always actually more like 10+, but for me hyperfocus is preceded by about 15-20 minutes of normal focus during which i’m fully aware of what my brain is doing and am able to step away if the thing i’m doing isn’t something i want to sink the rest of my day on.

it’s both a fairly debilitating symptom and something that i make a deliberate choice to do for a variety of reasons that are not especially important here. there is risk-benefit analysis involved.

this is basically how i think mettle works, with the sole difference being that hyperfocus requires a specific kind of trigger [complex high-interest tasks] and mettle does not, so ironwood can induce this state at will for any task. besides that, my interpretation of mettle is that it’s deep hyperfocus on a particular task, lasting anywhere from a couple minutes (for very short-term goals) to an entire day but averaging around 8-10 hours at a time for anything involved (paperwork, strategizing), possible to interrupt with difficulty, and involving a mildly altered state of consciousness in the form of a dramatic reduction in sensory and temporal processing i.e. no perception of time passing and inability to perceive sensations like hunger, fatigue, discomfort, people talking to you without getting your attention first, and so forth. it does not cause changes in personality or cognitive function, nor inhibit decision-making except insofar as it takes conscious effort to step away from the task.

mettle as described is “like an iron resolve […] that powers him to [keep going], almost like a very stubbornly, narrow focused mindset on things […] to push himself to do what he’s decided he’s gonna do” or to “push himself through something like searing the flesh off your arm, like if this is the goal he needs to accomplish, everything else goes by the wayside.” and for some inexplicable reason this has been widely interpreted to mean that mettle is a switch ironwood can flip to make himself willing to kill people. no! mettle is how he’s able to flay and cauterize his own arm to escape watts’ trap! mettle is how ironwood keeps himself awake and lucid for a solid forty-eight hours after his fucking arm gets amputated! mettle is why he’s composed and reasonable at the top of volume seven and gradually unravels into an unhinged frazzled lunatic over the months that follow because he’s using his semblance to force himself past the limits of what his body is physically able to endure.

ironwood is a soldier born and raised and indoctrinated into a military state that never quite escaped its prewar fascism. he was always perfectly willing and able to kill people at the slightest justification—“if you were one of my men i would have you shot” was, um, not a joke. that’s who he is. that’s what atlas molded him into, same as it molded clover and harriet and elm and vine and marrow and winter and goddamn near everybody else it touched who didn’t have the means to get out.

mettle didn’t turn ironwood into a murderer—atlas did.

but hyperfocus is not a healthy superpower, ok? it feels fucking great to effortlessly glide through a week’s worth of work in a single afternoon but you have to balance that against the physiological and psychological toll that will take if you try to make that your normal. it’s a day of absolute peak performance and then a crash, and you have to be able to crash. you HAVE to let yourself rest. hyperfocus feels like infinite energy and that feeling is a lie your brain tells you after unplugging all the early warning systems so that your body can’t interrupt you with petty things like hunger or pain, and you HAVE to remember that.

ironwood goes off the fucking rails in volume eight because he believes that lie. he desperately needs to eat and sleep and take it easy while his body recuperates from losing an arm, but mettle can make all of that pain and exhaustion fade away—only it doesn’t actually. the physiological need is still there, getting worse for every minute he spends neglecting it. all through volume seven it’s building up and up until it hits a critical mass after he flays his arm and his cognitive functioning just fucking implodes because his brain physically does not have what it needs to work correctly anymore and the result is this sudden explosion of acute irrationality and emotional lability that just keeps rapidly getting worse and worse and worse because ironwood keeps trying to brute force his way through it with mettle.

i have done this. it sucks. for me the stakes were high school so it mostly looked like a prolonged meltdown and some screaming fights over college applications, but the underlying psychological mechanism driving ironwood’s dramatic tailspin is exactly hyperfocus run amok. in its worst extremity unmanaged hyperfocus is just a horribly destructive and insidious form of self-harm and it will make you completely fucking batshit until you stop.

[ad0rechuu]

★ MILKY WAY. ━━ (000) ASK THEM ANYTHING part 2

💌 ZERO SAYS. wow it’s over! it feels bittersweet and emotional! i can’t believe it to be honest, it doesn’t feel real yet but i am very grateful for everything and also for the questions! i deleted the asks bcs i’ll answer it here but i got nearly teary eyed reading trough them again! i wanna be sappy and continue talking but ill keep it to myself for now because i think i should say everything in the afterword <3 i love you and i hope you’ll enjoy the last (special) chapter of mw! you can find part 1 here

❪ # i ❫ : What inspired your solo "Milky Way"? ━━ to yn

from @meginthebuilding27

YN : i was watching a drama when i wrote the music but the lyrics wouldn’t come to me, that was until i started writing with hwa, san and mingi, afterwards it was easy and i just wrote how they made me feel

❪ # ii ❫ : Did you ever think about the fact that she would find your fan accounts / So my question is would you all have ever told Yn about your fan accounts if sera never put two and two together? ━━ to psh, csn & smg

from @meginthebuilding27 & anon

SEONGHWA : I feel ashamed saying this but I don’t think I expected our relationship to ever progress to the point where telling her could be considered a possibility to be honest

SAN : I considered telling her when she found out about my crush but then I just couldn’t

MINGI : No it never even crossed my mind

❪ # iii ❫ : What did you feel when you finally released your first single? And how do you expect it to be perceived as from fans, what feelings should we get? ━━ to yn

from @jaehunnyy

YN : It was insane, I released it as a distraction for myself but instead it made me miss them more. As for the fans, it was a lot better perceived than I expected but I think everyone should make up their own meaning about it, it’s more fun that way. (However I wrote it with the intention of capturing the feeling of falling in love)

❪ # iv ❫ : What team are you guys on? Team Hwa, San, or Mingi? If possible please justify your answers ? ━━ to ateez (except psh, cs & smg)

from @seonghwaddict

HONGJOONG : Team Hwa! I hate to pick favorites but I was going to try to set Seonghwa up with Yn before I knew that she was his idol just because I think they would fit together like puzzle pieces

YUNHO : Team Mingi! Because he’d commit a war crime if I would say anything else

YEOSANG : Team Yuna! I like chaos and she can do so much better than these losers

WOOYOUNG : Team San! I trust Yn with san, San can’t be handled by just anyone you know, it takes a special kind of person

JONGHO : Team leave-Jongho-out-of-this.

❪ # v ❫ : I just wanna know their love languages! ━━ to yn, psh, csn & smg

from @tocupid

YN : I think my love language is words of affirmation! I like them all!

SEONGHWA : Definitely quality time, I think the ultimate type of love is the type where you can just be around your person doing whatever comfortably

SAN : Physical Touch!

MINGI : Korean!- Oh that type of language… hmm maybe gift giving, I’d love to spoil her

❪ # vi ❫ : What qualities of Yn made Seonghwa, San, and Mingi fall in love? (You don't have to go into major detail but I want to know about this from your perspective as the author) ━━ to psh, csn & smg (but answered by zero)

from @alixnsuperstxr

FOR SEONGHWA : I think Yns kindness and caring side made Seonghwa go from being a fan to being in love with Yn, the way she treats the people around her makes him want to take care of her in return. He tried really hard to separate the Yn he got to know as an idol and the Yn he got to know as a friend but he found that they were identical which made him want her even more

FOR SAN : For San it was Yns passion and love, this one is quite straightforward! San adored Yn the moment he saw her but what pushed him over the edge and made him fall in love was that she has so much love for everyone around her and craft

MINGI : Yns sense of identity and vulnerability, Mingi would always worry about the hate Yn received and get worked up about it (he still kinda does) but after seeing how she handles everything he was so impressed, the administration turned into love. She allows herself to feel hurt without changing herself because of what others think and he thinks she’s the coolest for it

❪ # vii ❫ : I know that in the group chat, each member has a different endgame and an idea of who Yn should pick, but why is that?? What makes them think they are suitable for Yn?? ━━ to ksg, fts, psj & syn

from @alixnsuperstxr

SEULGI : I chose Seonghwa because I know him the best out of the three, I’m not saying the others are not great but he’s just so sweet, I trust him to take care of my little sister well

FATOU : To be honest at first I chose Mingi just because he’s hot but then I noticed that she never has not a smile on her face when talking about him, which is sickeningly adorable

SWAN : *sigh* I’m guessing I can’t choose Park Taegyu huh? Just kidding! I choose whoever makes the Yn happiest

YUNA : Obviously I’m team YNNA first and foremost but I like how open san is about his feelings, something about him makes me think that Yn would always be his top priority

❪ # viii ❫ : How long has Sera had feelings for Yn?? ━━ to srw

from @alixnsuperstxr

SERA : I guess it started a while before I left, I’m not sure but I remember that it was very intense feeling that I haven’t felt since then

❪ # ix ❫ : if you could go back in time do you think you would change your mind about leaving (during trainee years)? If no, you would still leave, would you keep contact with yn this time? ━━ to srw

from @kodzumo

SERA : There is no point in crying over spilled milk but I do think the idol career was never meant for me, so yes I would leave but I’d keep contact with Yn and love her without being a coward… maybe in our next lives

❪ # x ❫ : What were you guy’s favorite songs off ‘Le Astre’? ━━ to psh, csn & smg

from @ kodzumo

SEONGHWA : I love the intro Body Language but I don’t think that counts so I choose Blue Flame

SAN : Loveade, no question!

MINGI : Other than the title track, I’d choose Deep!

❪ # xi ❫ : Has Lee Hyori answered any of your mail yet? ━━ to jwy

from @ kodzumo

WOOYOUNG : Sadly, no. However I’m now friends with Yn and Seulgi and Seulgi knows Boa who probably knows Lee Hyori so I’m staying hopeful!

seulgi’s note : Am I planning to give Wooyoung Boa’s number-?! Why in the world does he need her number?

❪ # xii ❫ : How is it seeing how far Yn has grown as a person from when you guys were younger? ━━ to khj

from @ kodzumo

HONGJOONG : It makes me super proud of her, I didn’t know she’d become an idol but I always knew she’d do great things- Don’t tell her I said that though

❪ # xiii ❫ : When are you free for a date (I’m literally spiderman pls)? ━━ to jyh

from @ kodzumo

YUNHO : I’m can plan something every day other than Monday’s, Thursday’s and Friday’s (because I work on those days), I love you so much Spiderman!

❪ # xiv ❫ : Have you shown yn your star wars lego collection yet (i also collect them hehe)? ━━ to psh

from @ kodzumo

SEONGHWA : We should be friends then! But I told her about it and she thought it was very cool, hopefully the next time I can show her them

❪ # xv ❫ : Not a question but I love you guys <3 ━━ to kys & cjh

from @ kodzumo

YEOSANG : You love m-me?

JONGHO : …Okay

author’s note : despite their answers both participants are blushing profusely

❪ # xvi ❫ : Also not a question but you guys are so cool I love you guys so much as well ━━ to star

from @ kodzumo

STAR : Thank you so much! We love you too of course!

yuna’s note : You love us more than them right??

swan’s note : Please feel free to ignore Yuna’s note

❪ # xvii ❫ : I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you and I hope you have the best day, mwah <3 ━━ to yn

from @ kodzumo

seulgi’s note : Yn is currently crying about how much she appreciates this message but I’m here to say that she is having a great day and she’s proud of you too

fatou’s note : She’s going on a date soon!

❪ # xviii ❫ : Now that we know that sera likes Yn, how do you feel? Also how does it feel to be part of this whole thing where MinSanHwa like Yn, Yn liked you, you like sera, and sera likes Yn????? ━━ to ptg

from anon

TAEGYU : Sera likes Yn? Her liking someone other than me hurts less than I expected… to be honest I kinda started to lose feelings after Sera started getting distant around the time Yn confessed. Anyway I’m not surprised she likes Yn, after all my dongsaeng is great! And the whole Yns crushes situation stressed me out a little, so the only thing I really have to say is that I’m glad it worked out but I wish that Yn and me were both less oblivious haha! I also don’t think they like me very much

❪ # xix ❫ : Did you guys have any hope that Yn was going to forgive you the moment your accounts were revealed to her? ━━ to psh, csn & smg

from @ jaehunnyy

SEONGHWA : I didn’t think about hoping in the slightest, when she said that she needed time I thought it was just a nice way of saying “I don’t want to see ever again’

SAN : I definitely hoped that she did, because she’s a really sweet person and I couldn’t imagine that she wouldn’t but I didn’t think she’d ever consider a relationship like this again

MINGI : I don’t know if I would be able to forgive me but I always wanted keep hope so I was torn the entire time

❪ # xx ❫ : When did you guys know that Yn was the one for you? ━━ to psh, csn & smg

from @ jaehunnyy

SEONGHWA : I started feeling something when she was so genuine to everyone in one of our first conversations (ch 013)

SAN : Oh my god it was when I met her in real life for the first time, I think I liked her before but this was different! (ch 025)

MINGI : I’m not sure, at first I just liked spending time with her and talking to her but then all of a sudden I couldn’t imagine a world without her anymore (ch ???)

‹ PREVIOUS ᜊ NEXT ›

💌 TAGLIST. @bunnystrm @seongwin @aestheticsluut @gaebestie @stopeatread @pr1ncessm1ng1 @persphonesorchid @se0nghwaswife @seonghwasslytherin @leeknowsnothing @bluehwale-main @miriamxsworld @rieuvie @sunoo-bby @jcngh0-hq @dudufodd @nikisbf @mrowwww @end0rchans @qtdenks @mintgki @dear-dreamie @leo-seonghwa @evilsailorsenshi @choichaeyiul @iw4milf @yunstarz @cvberidiot @tubatu-wari-wari @sunshine1438 @legohwas @not2daym8 @brrrkdslek @whippedforbeomgyu @amara-mars @crvzy-fujoshi @hyuk4ngel @atinyinateezverse @nickiminajleftasscheek

[saionjeans]

i usually say im juricoded because i can really relate to her on the basis of how she presents as a lesbian and how people perceive her, but the main thing about juri, which is her romantic tragic pining to the point of fetishizing her own yearning more so than the actual object of her affections, is fundamentally unrelatable to me. if anything my problem is that i don’t feel deeply enough, and don’t care to. juri acts subdued and detached but is in fact incredibly melodramatic, whereas i act subdued simply because i am, in fact, subdued. so im juricoded but only in the most superficial sense. which i do realize makes me sound like im saying im just perfect actually, but also saying “im juricoded except for all her pathetic flaws, which are absurd and fundamentally unrelatable to me” is something that juri herself would in fact say. so there you go.

[chrimsonfoxdon]

Ooh question, you mentioned rewatching as an adult, and I'm curious, what kinds of things do you view differently now? I'm rereading the manga after a long time too, and the big thing I'm noticing is that I have more compassion now, especially towards characters who I didn't realize reminded me of myself and not in the best ways 😂 And especially during part 1 I found myself wondering why we don't see their parents more often (for those who still have them) and who took care of them growing up (for the others).

I have felt similar!! Ok I’m gonna maybe list stuff out on what I’ve noticed I view differently.

Very long post under the cut of me rambling (again)!

1. My Opinion on What I Consider Good Media Has Changed

Starting with this one as I feel it’s a big overarching thing that’ll dictate all my other opinions and thoughts. I’ve watched, read, and listened to A LOT of other series and media since I first started watching Naruto (also you know life experience and such), so I have a better idea of what is “good” media and what is “bad.” When I was younger, I considered Naruto to be the best of the best, but I don’t think that now (as far as anime that title now goes to FMA:B it’s very good please watch it if you haven’t oh my god). It has a lot of flaws, some endearing and others… not so much. Granted that’s any piece of media. Nothing is perfect (not even FMA:B). But despite that, I’ve also learned that it’s ok to still enjoy it!! Imo it’s not all bad, I mean, we’re still here discussing it yea?

I guess the TLDR of this part is: it’s cringe but that’s ok cuz life is short and we should enjoy the stuff we like.

2. Female Characters/Feminism

I feel like, while these are different topics, they’re very linked together in how I watch Naruto now so I’m putting them together. When I was younger, I didn’t like really any of the female cast (except Tenten). I found them “annoying,” to put it simply. Sakura always chasing after Sasuke?? Lame. Ino being obsessed with her looks?? Shallow. Hinata losing to Neji? Weak. I began to think that I didn’t like those characters because I didn’t like female characters mostly as a whole (which is kinda hilarious cuz I did start making Chihiro back then who does in fact identify as a woman LOL!!). But this negative attitude towards female characters not only leaked into how I consumed other media, but how I saw myself and other women irl. Like I distinctly remember believing that a woman could never beat a guy in anything. Which is uh… not true!! And kinda fucked up!!!

Now that I’m older I just realize that kishimoto doesn’t know how to write women all that well. Imo, it’s not the girls’ faults, it’s their creator. Which is disappointing but also freeing almost?? Plus, I can now appreciate what good they do have to offer!! (I talked a little about the konoha 12 girls and what I like about them in this ask in case you’d like details on individual characters)

I think also being exposed to other fans with differing opinions and views has helped me with this as well. When I first started watching I didn’t really go online (wasn’t a thing in Cuba plus I wasn’t really interested), so I didn’t really have other perspectives to bounce off of.

Also wanted to add that there are definitely parts of the show I laughed off before but you know, just are not acceptable nowadays. Mainly thinking of Shikamaru talking down on girls/women, Neji made a rude comment about girls too (that Tenten corrected him on tho thank you queen), and some bits that could be perceived as a little transphobic (I’m not trans tho so I don’t wanna speak for them on that bit). Its viewpoints that I feel are a product of the time, but does not make the overall series bad per se.

3. Seeing Other Children as a Child VS as an Adult

Ngl since I grew up with Naruto, I feel as if I will always see them as my peers in a sense. If anything, almost like the “older kids” in school. Like I don’t know if this is a common perception, but I remember when I was like in 2nd grade I saw 6th graders as like tiny adults, but then when I was in 6th grade I saw 2nd graders as like babies. Does that make sense?? Anyway, it’s interesting rewatching Naruto as an adult and seeing my “peers” when they were younger. I remember thinking that 12 & 13 year olds were badass and cool and practically ready for the real world (I was like 8 or 9 when I first started watching leave me alone), and being amazed at stuff like the chunin exams. Nowadays my brain just kinda goes “why are we letting these CHILDREN go to war???” It’s a similar story with like the sensei. Thinking they’re so experienced and old and… now I’m the same age as them and I’m still young!!

4. Might Gai is Cringe and I Love Him For That

The way I didn’t appreciate this man when I was a kid is a CRIME. Teaching his students (and friends) that it’s important to find joy in life is SO IMPORTANT and Gai just does an EXCELLENT job with that!! He strives to be a source of light for the people in his life, and to show others it’s important to smile and laugh from time to time. It warms my cold dead grownup heart what can I say. There’s a line in OG Naruto after Lee beats Sasuke in their fight before the chunin exams, where Naruto turns to Sasuke and Sakura as their cringing at Lee and Gai and says, “actually, it’s kinda sweet how they’re all hugging and stuff!” And that kinda summarizes my thoughts on them.

TLDR Might Gai is cringe but he is free and I love him so much for that.

5. Seeing Myself in Characters I Didn’t Before

Off the top of my head, the three characters I see myself in more so now than when I was younger is definitely Choji, Lee, and Tenten.

I was never popular growing up, especially when I moved back to the US after living in Cuba. Kids just didn’t wanna play with me or have me on their sports teams, so I was purposefully left out oftentimes, kinda like how choji was when he was younger. Rewatching that part made me cry honestly HAHA I saw myself so clearly. I’m also plus size so the beauty standards he has to deal with really speak to me. I remember Shikamaru telling him one time that girls don’t have to be skinny to be pretty and I would be lying if that didn’t give me a huge amount of confidence in myself.

Rock Lee’s story has always been top notch, but as someone who chose to specialize in a path that I didn’t really have natural talent for myself it REALLY speaks to me now. I’ll be 100% honest, I was never really one of those “been drawing since I could hold a pencil” kind of kids. I liked it, but I didn’t really consider myself any good until like 8th grade or so. Anyway, there’s this scene where Lee is crying at the training grounds cuz he’s scared that, no matter how hard he works, it’ll all be for nothing and that he’ll always be a loser, and uh… had to turn the show off cuz that struck WAAAAAAAY too close to home for me as an artist with a… let’s be real, a failing art business. Anyway, he inspires me though to keep going cuz this is what brings me joy. I may take longer than most, but that doesn’t mean I’m less of a person for it.

Tenten I’ve honestly seen a lot of myself in even when I was younger! But there’s this filler episode that goes into detail on how she tried really hard to be just like Tsunade, since that was her dream since she was little. Turns out she doesn’t have the capacity to do that (not being able to do medical ninjutsu well, etc), but she finds her own strengths along the way. What really spoke to me was letting go of your childhood dreams. It’s hard. It feels like you’re failing in a way. But Tenten was able to persevere and find a new and even better path forward for herself. And that’s just amazing. I love seeing that, and it helps me feel as if I too and maybe find my path.

6. Final Thoughts and Random Little Things

I think it’s also safe to say that I can pick up on story flaws (I’m looking at you 4th great ninja war arc) and inconsistencies (how the heck does the hyuga clan work wtf). It’s a long series and nowadays you can binge the whole thing in one sitting (I don’t recommend that please take care of yourself). Back in my day I had to wait a whole week to watch the next 26 minute episode with commercials in between. Also I was a kid. AHAHA!! But again, long series, so I’m sure Kishi forgot about certain details while he was being pushed to continue the series.

Also my views on certain things that happened in the series changed based on what I know what happens later, which I find to be quite fun!

Overall I still enjoy the series, both for similar reasons as I did back in the day (Neji) and for new reasons!! Flaws and all. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk