#I don’t even want to get into the home situation it’s a war zone in here

[crowcryptid]

Got home at 7:30…… yippie..

I love traffic.

[haveagarbageday]

Defeated \\ Charles Leclerc, Oscar Piastri, Jenson Button

summary: Charles and Oscar both fall in love with you, and they do their best to impress you. But you're not interested, and eventually they find out why.

additional info: Mercedes!driver!reader. Jenson won the vote, so here we are. No happy ending for Charles and Oscar. Anyway, I'm like a dog with a bone, I'm not letting that Webber idea go. So expect a story where Oscar loves reader, but he finds out she's with Mark.

warnings: age gap

After the whole adoption joke, the friendship of Charles and Oscar reached a new stage. Sure, they had been friends before, but this shifted the dynamic in the direction of something better, something based on mutual respect. They helped each other, they kept in touch outside race weekends too–to the point Oscar was often invited to family dinners since everyone took that joke far too seriously–and everything was great in general.

That’s until the beginning of the 2025 season. Mercedes announced your arrival the year before, but you were just another rookie, someone they didn’t know that well. But then you scored some precious points on your first race, and you kept up this exceptional performance, eventually challenging your teammate for higher positions. This caught their interest, although they weren’t alone. Many drivers looked at your twenty-two years old self as a little sister, someone they wanted to protect from the sport’s toxic environment.

But these two didn’t see you as a sister, far from that. They had a soft spot for you after getting to know you better, and without ever discussing it, they both started to flirt with you in their own ways. Oscar decided to befriend you first, giving himself the chance to talk to you even when you weren’t in the paddock together, he invited you to hang out with him, and he always made sure to sneak a few sentences that hinted at his intention into your conversations. Charles was more straightforward with his compliments, whether it was related to your driving or the way you looked that day, and he even brought you small gifts, always saying he just happened to think of you when he saw them.

They both noticed what the other was doing, which led to a cold war between the two of them, slowly poisoning their relationship, although they didn’t let it show. They kept talking on the race weekends, they didn’t unfollow each other on social media, but the tone of their conversations became a lot colder. But one day they decided to talk about this, and even though neither of them said it out loud that this was the reason for their meeting, deep down they both knew they had to discuss what they should do.

As they were sitting in the secluded corner of a café back home in Monaco, just a day before they were supposed to head to their next race weekend, Oscar let out a long sigh and took a sip of his coffee and looked over at the door when someone walked in. He wanted to figure out how to bring you up, how to shift the conversation about the upcoming race to you, about the situation they found themselves in.

But Charles seemed to be a step ahead of him, because he cleared his throat to get his attention, then went, “You like her, don’t you?”

The Aussie nodded, a small smile unintentionally creeping on his face at the thought of you. “I believe you feel the same,” he said after a short break.

“What’s not to like?” the fellow driver asked, and the younger man across from him nodded once again in agreement, muttering true under his breath. Charles unexpectedly let out a troubled sigh and leaned back in his chair, a hand now resting on the back of his neck. “I don’t know about you, but she keeps me at arm’s length. It’s like I’ve been friend zoned.”

Oscar’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “You too? I thought she was acting like this because she chose you,” he admitted.

His friend watched him with narrowed eyes, his brain in overdrive as he thought about the possible reasons. Did you have someone? Were you focusing on your job instead of looking for a relationship? It must be the latter, after all you had once told him you wanted to survive your first year without any kind of drama. You also said you were using Oscar as a reference point, because he managed to exist in this world with his private life mostly kept private.

“I wouldn’t be here if she chose me. I would spend every free moment with her, but she’s just not interested. What do we do now? I don’t want to forget her, I don’t know if I could,” he said.

The McLaren driver licked his lips and looked down at the cup in front of him. “Me neither. But what if we have no choice? We can’t force her to choose between us,” he began, stopping for a moment while he thought. “What if our attempts are futile and she wouldn’t pick either of us in the end? Maybe it’s time to admit we have no chance.”

Charles let out a laugh as he shook his head. “You can give up if you want, but I’ll keep trying.”

Despite their little competition being perfectly fine until now, Oscar felt the need to set some rules, just so their chances were even. He suggested the other man to tone it down a bit, to stop trying to buy your love with gifts, because those meant a lot to you, you had told him that yourself before. It’s not that he wasn’t ready to shower you with things your heart desired, he just didn’t think it was fair to manipulate you like this. But the Monegasque only laughed at this and said maybe it wasn't him who had to tone it down, maybe it was Oscar who had to step up his game.

Either way, you still didn’t show any interest in them, not romantically at least.

On one race weekend Jenson Button showed up, being there for Williams, but spending some time with Sky Sports too, doing interviews with a few of the drivers. Oscar was waiting for his turn not far from them, watching as you answered the questions with that big smile on your face, and he couldn’t help but smile himself, because it made him fall in love with you again.

Then he heard Jenson go, “I heard you felt a little sick this morning. Do you think it could affect your weekend?”

Your eyes widened, clearly surprised by the question, but it only lasted for a second, because you were quick to respond as calmly as you could. “I’m fine, maybe it’s just some dehydration, I’ll drink more, and I’ll be good as new,” you said with a small smile forced on your face.

After a few more questions it was a wrap for you, and you began to walk away, but Jenson excused himself and went after you, probably to apologize for bringing up your health problem when you hadn’t talked about it yet. As you said, it wasn’t serious, maybe there was no reason to mention it. Now, Oscar didn’t want to eavesdrop, he usually respected other people’s privacy, but neither of you noticed he was nearby, and you began to talk in a normal voice that made it impossible for him not to hear it without walking away.

“What the fuck was that? We agreed, everything that happens behind closed doors stays there,” you hissed angrily.

The Aussie had his suspicions, but maybe he was wrong, maybe it was just his imagination running wild. But when Jenson let out a sigh and raised his hands in defense, he knew his first instinct was right. “I thought we agreed that you would go to the medical center to figure out what this is. You said you didn’t, what was I supposed to do?” he asked.

You let out an incredulous laugh. “So what, pressuring me on air was the best you could come up with? I’m fine, I already told you, let’s just drop this.”

Jenson took a step closer to you, his hand slowly reaching out to touch you, but he changed his mind last minute. “All right, you’re right, it wasn’t fair. I’m sorry. Let me make it up to you tonight. How does that sound?” You watched him for a few seconds, then nodded. “Good, we’ll discuss the details later. Be a good girl until then.”

After you waved him goodbye and left, he returned to his place in front of the camera, and Oscar was finally told it was his turn. But after seeing this? There was no way he could keep his cool while talking to him, or at least it would take a lot more effort than usual. Now he knew why you weren’t interested in either him nor Charles, and this broke his heart. From all the people around them, you seriously had to pick someone so much older than you? Someone you couldn’t openly date?

In the afternoon, he sent a text to Charles, asking for an emergency meeting in the evening, and so now the two of them were sitting in his hotel room with a bottle of booze and two glasses in front of them. Oscar told his friend everything he had heard and seen that day, and they both became absolutely depressed, hitting the rock bottom by the end of the story. They tried to figure out what to do now, but they agreed that exposing your relationship would have been a terrible move, and they didn’t even feel like intervening.

“Do you think she loves him?” Charles asked with a sigh as he looked up at the ceiling.

Oscar shrugged. “I don’t know. I mean, she was smiling so brightly, especially when she was talking to him. And Jenson brought up her sickness because he was worried about her, so maybe it’s a mutual feeling.”

Silence fell between them as it became obvious that they had no chance, not before either you or Jenson got bored of the other and broke up. Once they emptied the bottle, Charles stood up and said goodnight, deciding to go back to his own hotel room to get some proper sleep so he could focus the next day. “My heart is already broken, I don’t want my car to be broken too,” he told Oscar before leaving. It was painful, yes, but maybe they would have a chance to fight for you. Maybe one day you would realize that being in a relationship you could openly talk about was much better.

[pagannatural]

1.21 Salvation

-John finally, after some 22 years, lets his sons in on his plans and shows them everything he’s got on the demon that killed their mom and Jess.

-John is such a good character. I’m not really interested in liking or disliking him, I just love his part in this story. He reacted to an unimaginable situation in a human way. Who among us can say, really, how we would parent two small children if our wife was brutally murdered on the ceiling by a demon who then burned down our entire house? John truly thought the whole world was a war zone so he made his kids soldiers rather than getting them to safety. To understand John you have to understand that Safe and Normal as concepts were destroyed for him. He wanted to protect his boys so badly that he tried to prepare them and toughen them and train them but he also wanted to shield them so he hid as much as he could from them. He taught them that people were dying and they were responsible for stopping it. He put all of that on their way-too-young shoulders all while refusing to trust them or let them in.

Under all that pressure, Sam and Dean created their own world, their bubble of safety with each other. They give each what they need in the most vital and fundamental sense, nourishing each other in a hostile environment. They share something that no one else could ever understand.

So thanks, John.

-“It’s not your problem, it’s our problem” is an objectively kind and supportive thing to say so I’m proud of Dean for managing to shout it angrily at Sam. Such passion such energy

-Sam looks like a little kid this whole scene where Dean and John are arguing about parenting him. Dean stands up to John again and defends himself. He’s Sam’s daddy now (sorry)

-John tells Sam “I want you to go to school, I want Dean to have a home” which is hilarious to me because it implies that he thinks of Dean as a homeless man (which he is).

Dean glances at Sam when John says this and then hangs his head. Sam is his home. And he feels responsible for Sam leaving school (which he is).

-In the car Sam tells Dean “I want to thank you” but the you comes out as “ya”. This happens another time when Sam tells Dean “I still love you” (or something close to that) in s5e11. It’s unusual for Sam. He doesn’t ya his you’s regularly at the end of a sentence. Jared and Jensen both have typical midwestern accents on the show. Jared intentionally changes his speech pattern when he’s possessed, so that words like “wasn’t” or “doesn’t” are enunciated when normally Sam pronounces it like “wud’n” or “dud’n” with a very soft “d.”

Point being, something is causing Sam to shy off of saying these things and making them sound too serious so he says “I want to thank ya” which sounds more casual. When he’s lost in emotion (like later when he throws Dean against a wall and says “don’t you say that”), he enunciates his you’s. I think this is unintentional of Sam and intentional of Jared. Sam’s trying not to scare Dean off or sound too confessional- he’s seen how Dean reacts to that.

-Sam says “even when I couldn’t count on anyone”

Dean gave him consistency and safety and the knowledge that he was always loved. Dean’s his sanctuary.

-Dean says the house is “burning to the ground, it’s suicide”

“I don’t care” “I do”

Sam is reckless. He has a safe place to land, so he often acts without really thinking through the consequences, and Dean is always there for him. This is the THIRD house fire Dean has protected Sam from. Interesting that Sam asked Jessica, his Dean replacement, “what would I do without you?” in ep1 and she said “crash and burn.” Actually that’s what you would do without Dean :)

-Sam says killing the demon is “all we’ve ever cared about” he doesn’t realize that Dean has always cared more about him than about revenge or justice or whatever else. Dean would rather have Sam. Wild that Sam doesn’t know he’s Dean’s top priority yet. I wonder if he knew that pre-Stanford?

-Sam gets angry when Dean says they can’t bring Jessica or their mom back. It mirrors Dean slamming Sam against the wall in ep1 when he told Dean their mom is never coming back. Sam’s anger melts as soon as Dean speaks and he ends up just kind of grasping Dean’s shirt and pressing into him with this desperate look on his face. They look at each other’s mouths.

-Dean is accepting of Sam grabbing him and throwing him against a wall, just like Sam handles it in s2 when Dean punches him in the face. They have no normal way to express how intensely they feel about each other so it comes out as violence or care when one is injured. Love and need and pain are inextricable between them- they love each other in ways that are painful. So they just submit to each other like Yes, finally something that feels strong enough. It’s like it’s soothing to express and receive each other’s needs, even as pain. It has to come out somehow.

-Dean says that the three of them are all he has and “sometimes I feel like I’m barely holding it together” Dean doesn’t let himself fall apart, and he wants to fall apart with Sam here, begging Sam to be careful with his life, to understand that he needs Sam. He’s saying Please don’t get hurt, I need you, I’m falling apart.

Sam could kiss him right now. Dean’s not holding it together enough to try pushing Sam away or protecting him from their feelings.

-Dean says “without you and dad, I-” and I think that Dean obviously loves and cares about John but the real issue is that he couldn’t say “without you, I-” on network television because they would have just made out. The mention of their dad brings Sam back to himself. He turns away from Dean and lets go of him with what looks like some effort. Dean looks lost and he’s also still tilting his head up with his lips parted looking like Sam didn’t kiss him. Sam asks him to call John.

-This parallels when Dean told Sam to call Sarah in 1x19. Dean calls even though he’s still emotionally involved in the conversation with Sam and didn’t finish what he was saying. He’s just admitted something that was difficult for him, and Sam reacted by pulling away, distancing himself, exactly as Dean did when Sam admitted Jessica isn’t the main reason he’s not interested in anyone.

I’m a John-would-kill-Dean truther if he found out about anything untoward going on between his boys, so the mention of their Dad and the fact that he’s in danger would absolutely make Sam force himself away from Dean.

This specific dynamic of Sam pleading with Dean for something and Dean surrendering brokenly to Sam in a Please give it to me Please just take it loop where neither is willing to act makes me want to chew on my own ribcage.

[pippytmi]

Hi!! For the Kacy Post Breakup AU stories. Do you still taking promt?? Please can you write "i found the ring when i was moving my stuff out of your apartment and now everything makes sense”?? But Kate found the ring, Kate broke up with Lucy the reason is up to you. Love the ones you already write, thankkk yoouu 🫶🏽

“Theoretically—and I do mean this theoretically, I can’t stress that enough—would you be able to one: procure a pair of bolt cutters, and two: meet me somewhere in twenty minutes? Just think about it. As a purely hypothetical situation.”

Lucy has to stifle a laugh into her fist as she patiently listens to Ernie’s dramatics. “As much as I want to come free you from wherever you’re chained up—”

“I said in theory—”

“—I have a thing,” Lucy says. “Um. With Kate?” To call it “a thing” might be a complete oversimplification, but Ernie gives an understanding hum on the other end of the phone.

“I can be there in five minutes. Okay, like twenty-five minutes. And I can be a buffer, or a distraction, or someone to stare her down all night. Whatever you need.”

Lucy turns the corner and sees Kate Whistler waiting on her doorstep, and the tell-tale pang in her chest briefly makes her falter. “No, it’s fine,” she remembers to answer. “I have to go, though.”

“If you’re sure,” Ernie says, sounding entirely unconvinced. “Good luck.”

“Thanks,” Lucy mumbles, and she shoves her phone into her back pocket as she carefully approaches her apartment. Kate is still standing there—stiffly out of place with suitcases at her side—but she somehow still straightens up even more when she notices Lucy. “Hey,” Lucy calls, a touch confused. “You didn’t let yourself in?”

“I wasn't sure if you wanted me to,” Kate says, awkwardly pulling at the strings of her hoodie the way she does when she is uncomfortable. She takes a step back when Lucy brings out her keys, obviously trying not to hover, and Lucy sighs.

“I don’t care, whatever,” she says, ushering Kate in with a halfhearted flourish when the door clicks open. “Just ignore the mess, I haven’t cleaned or anything.” Work has actually kept her from being home very often beyond to sleep, so she knows her apartment will be a little bit in disarray.

To Kate, it must be a war zone; she has always been a neat freak (in the most endearing way). Lucy has to step over a stack of Amazon packages to even get inside, and she knows that Kate will zero in on everything else Lucy hasn’t cleared out yet: the takeout containers on the coffee table, the jackets strewn over the chairs, the abandoned folders and posters all over the couch. 

Lucy is used to it, though, and she walks right in whereas Kate seems to freeze. “Do you want a drink?”

Kate does a double-take, snapping out of her stupor. “Sorry?”

“A drink,” Lucy repeats. “Do you want one?”

“I…think it would be better to do this sober,” Kate says, brow crinkling, and Lucy has to pause to work out what the hell Kate is talking about.

“What? No, I meant like water. Or Gatorade,” Lucy amends. “Actually, I might only have Gatorade.” It’s a whole thing—some new sponsorship her agent had set up which led to a whole crate of the stuff being shipped—and now Lucy has way more than she can drink.

“I'm okay. But thank you,” Kate says, formal to a fault, and Lucy resists the urge to roll her eyes.

“Okay, well, you can…get started. I’m going to be doing some work in the kitchen if you need anything,” Lucy says.

Kate rapidly nods. “Right. Of course,” she says. “I’ll be as quick as I can. I’m sure you’re busy.”

“Yeah. No, totally.” Lucy has actually cleared her entire day just for this, but she doesn't say as much. It is much easier to hide away and pretend she's reading a script instead of, you know, waiting for her ex-girlfriend to pack up all remnants of their relationship.

Even without watching her do it, Lucy knows Kate is probably working efficiently and effectively to erase all traces of happiness from this apartment—their apartment. Kate had never officially moved in, but it was still theirs, and Lucy sees her in everything: in the framed print of The Great Wave off Kanagawa, in the uneven coffee table they picked out from a flea market because it was so beautifully hideous, in the old, torn couch where they had exchanged I love yous for the first time.

(That fact may have also influenced Lucy’s choice to spend as much time as possible at work. Maybe.)

Speaking of work…Lucy begrudgingly takes a seat at the kitchen table to pretend she is doing some. At the very least, she can do the boring task of clearing emails from her agent. Also, she should probably check and make sure Ernie is alive.

About an hour into rewatching Gilmore Girls, Kate shows up in the doorway, wringing her fingers together anxiously. “Sorry to bother you,” she says, as if she can’t hear Lorelai Gilmore’s voice from Lucy’s laptop, “but do you know where my backpack is? The one I use for hiking?”

Lucy blinks. “Uh, I’m not sure.” Kate is the person who normally knows where everything is. Even in Lucy’s apartment, she has an uncanny ability to find stuff Lucy never can.

“I had it the weekend before…” Kate doesn’t have to finish with before I broke up with you, but Lucy hears it anyway. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. If you find it later I can just come back for it.”

“No, I can help you look.” Lucy pauses her show to clarify, “Just so you don’t have to make two trips.”

Kate’s cautious expression slowly morphs into a slightly crestfallen one. “Right. No, of course,” she says.

“Where did you look?” Lucy follows Kate outside to retrace her steps, and all the while, she curiously takes note of the absence of things Kate has chosen to select as purely hers: the cozy throw blanket off the couch, the snow globe which Kate’s mom had sent over for Christmas, the paper flower which Lucy had folded for Kate and previously was displayed in their only vase.

“Both closets—I don’t remember putting it anywhere else. Did you let someone borrow it, maybe?” Kate heads into the bedroom, zeroing in on their closet, but Lucy is focused solely on Kate’s question.

“Why would I let someone borrow your backpack? It’s not mine,” Lucy says, with admittedly a bit of indignation in her tone, but. Who the hell is Kate to suggest that Lucy would be so petty as to lose Kate’s lame hiking backpack?

Kate glances at her sideways, brow crinkling ever-so-slightly. “I don’t know. I just thought—”

“That I’m going to be that ex who trashes your stuff?” Lucy knowingly fills in.

“No, that’s not at all what I’m saying.” Kate says, and she even looks quite alarmed at the suggestion. “I’m not trying to accuse you of anything.”

“Okay, then, don’t look at me like that!”

“Like what?”

“Like I’ve kicked your puppy or something!” Lucy presses her fingertips against her temples.

Kate opens her mouth, then dejectedly shuts it. After a beat she mumbles, “I wasn’t trying to.”

“Well you are.” Lucy has to turn away, and she busies herself with digging through the pile of clothes at the bottom of the closet to see if somehow Kate’s backpack is buried underneath. It isn’t, but Lucy does find the script she had been searching for since last month, so it’s still a win-win. 

“I can get another one,” Kate says suddenly. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Sure, whatever you want,” Lucy says, kicking a parka out of the way as she wanders into the adjoining bathroom. “Is that the last thing you need to pack?” Already, all of Kate’s toiletries are missing. Lucy has to bite her lip to keep from doing something stupid like tearing up at the sight of her toothbrush all alone; the absolute last thing she needs to do is start breaking down when Kate is right outside.

“Almost,” Kate’s voice rings out hesitantly from beyond the door. “I have to finish sorting out my clothes.”

Lucy pokes her head out to briefly advise, “Check my drawers, I might have stolen a few of your shirts.” Selfishly, she wants to hang on to anything of Kate’s that she can, but she is making an effort to be practical. If she keeps on wasting her nights getting drunk and crying into that sweater of Kate’s that still smells like her, Lucy will never actually get over Kate. And she has at least promised Ernie that she will try.

Kate starts opening the drawers of the nightstands; Lucy can hear them open and shut. Lucy continues to peek about the bathroom until she has no reason to, and she begrudgingly makes her way back into the bedroom prepared to fake a call and escape back to the kitchen.

But when she walks in, Lucy is immediately immobilized at the sight of Kate standing stock-still in the center of the room—eyes wide, skin eerily pale—and in her hand is the ring box that Lucy forgot she hid in the top drawer of her nightstand.

“Oh fuck,” Lucy breathes out, her mouth forming words before her brain can interject. “That…is not what it looks like.”

Kate rapidly sets the box down on the bed, hand trembling all the while. “I’m sorry,” she says. “It just fell out. It—” She stops, sags backwards until she is leaning against the wall, her usual stoic façade completely melted away into pure disbelief. “You were going to propose?”

This time, there’s no stopping the tears when they spring to her eyes, but Lucy still wipes at them anyway. “I loved you, Kate,” she says thickly, her heart beating fast in an unbelievably painful manner. “What do you think?”

“I thought—” Kate audibly swallows. “You told me you never wanted to get married.”

Lucy shrugs limply. “Well, you do,” she says. “Obviously not with me, but..."

Kate goes silent for a moment. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she asks at last, and her voice quivers like she might cry, which makes absolutely no sense.

“How could I?” Lucy scoffs. “Did you want me to stop your little spiel about ‘not fitting in each other’s lives anymore’ to say ‘hey, Kate, I actually want to propose to you. Can you maybe reconsider breaking up with me?’” 

“It would’ve explained a lot, Lucy,” Kate says, stricken. “This whole time—is this why you were acting so weird?”

“I wasn’t acting weird,” Lucy says defensively.

Kate doesn’t seem to be listening. “I thought it was about your job,” she goes on, almost as if to herself. “I thought you were regretting everything.” Her cheeks glisten with silent tears, and Lucy’s stomach flips in on itself.

She doesn’t know what she’s feeling at first. Initially, Lucy assumes it’s devastation, her chest so tight with it like she might finally burst into sobs. But then she realizes it’s anger, white-hot and all-consuming, and when it explodes it comes out as:

“You didn’t even try to talk to me? If I was acting weird, fine. I don’t agree, but let’s say I was.” Lucy begins to pace, because otherwise, she might actually start crying hysterically. “Why wouldn’t you ask me what was going on?”

“I did,” Kate says softly, too softly. “You said it was work.”

Lucy pauses. “Okay, maybe that one time,” she allows. “I don’t see how that leads to dumping me.”

Kate pushes off the wall, her gaze so sorrowful and pained that Lucy has to cross her arms and pointedly look away. “I was holding you back,” she says plainly. “Your career is taking off, Lucy. You’re so famous now you get recognized every time you leave the house. I’m still a dropout law student with no idea what I’m doing in life.”

“I never cared about that.”

“But I do,” Kate says desperately. “That’s why I…that’s the only reason why I wanted to break up. It was never because I didn’t love you.” Kate has moved closer, maybe inadvertently, but Lucy jerks backwards all the same.

“It’s too late,” Lucy says—realizes. “You can’t tell me that. You’re leaving. You chose this! Kate, you—you decided to break my heart instead of trying to make this work. How do you expect me to feel?”

Kate’s hands go immediately to her hoodie strings. “I know,” she says. Twists the ends between her thumb and forefinger. “If I could take it back—”

“You can’t,” Lucy cuts her off. “You ruined it.” Her frustration is the tipping point: the tears come and they’re not pretty, hot and stinging and absolutely ruining whatever makeup she has worn today. “I’m going to go, okay? I’m going to ask Ernie to pick me up and you can just—just let me know when you’re done.”

“No, I…” Kate shakes her head. “I’ll go. Um. Don’t worry about the rest of my stuff.” She zips up her half-empty suitcase and haphazardly yanks it along, lingering briefly only by the doorway like she wants to say something else before she leaves. Lucy can see her struggle; her jaw clenches and unclenches until finally she says, “I’m sorry.”

Lucy exhales, recognizing at once she only has one chance to ask what has been bugging her this entire time. “Kate,” she says, to stop her just for one second. “Would…would you have said yes?”

Kate gazes at her so sadly that when she smiles, barely there, it is as surprising as it is heartbreaking. “Of course I would have,” she says quietly.

And without even waiting for Lucy to say anything—perhaps realizing that she won’t—Kate is leaving, and Lucy is letting her. If this was a movie, Lucy would chase her out the door; maybe get down on one knee anyway, and wait for Kate to finally accept their happily-ever-after in whatever form it takes.

But this isn’t a movie, and there is no black and white ending which will ever really satisfy them both. So Lucy sinks down onto her bed, cradles the ring box in her palm, and begins to mourn a life that was never hers to begin with.

[roseofdarknessblog]

Good and Evil (Porco Galliard x Tybur!Reader)

Word count: 7 834

Disclaimer: english is not my first language, I apologize in advance for any mistakes  

Summary: In a rather unfortunate twist of events, you end up inheriting the War Hammer Titan instead of your older sister Lara. 

Good and Evil

The rich silver moonlight was spilling into the otherwise dark bedroom, making everything seem a little bit nicer. Every poorly lit corner of this damned room seemed so familiar and foreign at the same time. You’ve never spent that much time here – in this bedroom or this house alone. Well, at least not for the last couple of years.

Liberio, the town you were born and raised in, became an almost complete stranger to you. You loved coming back, even though leaving again was more than painful. But you had no other choice. You were the youngest of the Tybur children, Willy and Lara’s younger sister, who was born years after your parents stopped hoping for another child.

Maybe that’s why they needed to always keep an eye on you. Always keep you in a perfect golden cage, so nothing would happen to you. They still saw you as their precious innocent daughter, who only does what her parents demand from her.

„You okay?“ Shivers ran down your bare back when a very familiar male voice spoke from behind you. When you looked over your shoulder, while you were sitting up in bed, your eyes landed on the silhouette of your lover. „You seemed a little lost in your thought the whole evening.“

„I don’t want you to go,“ you said in a quiet voice.

„Back to the front?“ You nodded and pulled the duvet closer to your chest, your eyes meeting with Porco’s. „You know I have to go. The war is far from over, unfortunately. We still have lots of battles to fight.“

„I know, but...“

„Y/N,“ Porco said and sat up, moving a little closer to you. One of his strong arms hugged you from behind, his lips pressing to the warm skin of your shoulder. You knew he’ll have to go soon. Despite that, you dreamed about waking up in his arms on a nice slow, and sunny morning. „I get where you’re coming from. But you need to understand me and my situation as well. Even if I didn’t have to go back, what would you want me to do? We both know there’s no way your family could know about us.“

You swallowed hard and brought your knees to your chest. Anxiety and sadness were starting to creep up on you once again. „I’m tired of hiding and sneaking around. We both deserve to be happy.“

„I am happy,“ Porco whispered against your skin, hugging you tighter and pulling your back against his chest. His head rested against yours, while he found one of your hands and interlocked your fingers. „And that has to be enough for now.“

„But it’s not. Not for me. Not anymore.“ Those words hurt you, but you needed to say them out loud. You needed Porco to know, how you truly felt. Being honest with one another was always very important to you. „I don’t want to live like this anymore.“

Porco sighed quietly, pressing his lips behind your left ear. „What exactly do you want me to do? What would make you happy?“

„Living a normal life. With you.“

You and Porco met way back, almost ten years ago, when you still lived in Liberio and the both of you were just kids. Being friends with him was always a little bit strange. But you liked spending time with the younger one of the Galliard brothers. Since Willy and Lara were a lot older than you, they never really wanted to spend time with you. So you pretty often wandered around the town and looked for somebody, who would play with you. Of course, only after slipping past your family’s guards, who always lurked around the residence.

One day, you came across the military headquarters of the Marleyan military. There you met a group of kids, who were heading home, amongst them Porco and his older brother Marcel. You walked them all the way to the gates of the Internment zone, asking a lot of questions about their military training.

From that day forward, you kept coming back and walking them back to the gates. You got to know the other Warriors the same way and were so grateful for your new friends. Even though they lived very different lives than you. Despite that, you formed a unique bond with all of them – even Annie, who took the longest to warm up to you.

„That’s not possible right now, we’re at war and nobody knows how long it’s going to stay this way,“ Porco said, his lips gently brushing against your ear.

„Porco, we’ve been at war for almost three years now, I’m very well aware of what’s happening.“

After Porco wasn’t chosen to inherit a Titan and go to Paradis, the two of you got even closer. Day by day, your relationship was getting stronger... and when you both turned seventeen, it started becoming intimate like never before. You were drawn to him, just like he was to you. Even despite everything, especially your family moving again from Liberio.

Staying away from Porco for days, weeks and sometimes even months was the hardest and most painful thing. You missed him dearly every waking hour of the day and hoped to at least see him in your dreams. So when there was a chance to come back to Liberio, you took it and always snook out to meet with Porco, who you loved more and more every day.

„There is nothing I can do right now, you have to understand that. I’m a Warrior, serving Marley has to be my priority.“

You nodded, feeling tears start to dwell in your eyes. „I’m tired of always being second. Tired of losing to this shitty situation.“

„What?“

„Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m never your priority, Porco. Maybe once I was, but not anymore.“

You felt that something between you changed during these last few months. While you still loved him just like before, you felt something... something strange but unimaginably painful. He was changing and there was nothing you could do, to prevent that. Even when you tried to understand his situation and new obligations, which came after he finally got one of the Nine Titans.

You felt that you were slowly but surely losing him.

Nothing about your relationship seemed the same. Except... except the overwhelming love you still felt toward Porco Galliard, the new Jaw Titan. That love was still there, inside your heart and your whole being, threatening to suffocate you many times, while you cried about your situation.

„I love you,“ he whispered. But it didn’t sound like it used to before. Now it was merely an automatic response and a way to shut you up when you started talking about something similar.

You shook your head. „You don’t love me like you used to.“ All your words were quiet and full of sorrow, which was trying to claw its way from the center of your chest. „I’m not stupid, I can feel it, Porco.“

When he stayed quiet, the very first tear of that night rolled down your cheek. The silence broke your heart all over again. Foolishly, but you hoped he would say something. You hoped he would object.

Porco took a deep breath before he spoke. When he pulled away from you and let go of your hand, a sudden strong wave of paralyzing pain shot through your whole body. „You know that this thing between us has no real future,“ he finally said, his voice sounding somehow distant but sad at the same time. „You’re a Tybur, basically a nobel everyone admires and praises. And I’m just an Eldian. A weapon for Marley, nothing more.“

„Not for me.“ He laughed quietly and quickly got out of bed. You didn’t dare to look in his direction, while he was searching for his pants on the floor. „When did it happen? When did you stop loving me like you used to?“

Another long moment of silence made you want to scream in frustration. You were so naive when you thought that your relationship with Porco would grant you a happy future. Your love was never destined to last, that was the harsh reality you refused to see for so many months now.

Like a stupid child, you held onto broken promises and empty words. Long lost dreams and imaginary fairytales you kept telling yourself to numb the pain and emptiness inside your soul.

„I don’t... I don’t know,“ Porco said finally, his voice only a whisper.

„And did you want to tell me? Or was I supposed to figure it out on my own?“ Your cold tone made you sick, but suddenly that was all you were capable of. That or having a complete breakdown right there in front of him. „Did I do something that made you feel this way?“

You desperately wanted and needed to know. Only for Porco to stay completely quiet and let you guess all of the answers on your own. He was never cold or heartless, not to you, no. Never to you. Maybe that was the reason your heart felt like it was ripping into millions of tiny pieces. Just a few hours back, when his hands and lips were all over your body, you couldn’t even think about a similar conversation. Better said... you didn’t want to. All you wanted and needed, was to feel him close to you after so many months.

„Many things changed these past few years, us including,“ Porco finally said. When you looked at him, he was almost fully clothed again. Only his jacket with the red armband was missing. „I still love you, I really do. But I think we need to go our separate ways from this day forward. I’m returning to the front to fight for Marley and you should...“ he swallowed hard, visibly battling with his words. „You should find someone, who your family is going to approve.“ His defeated expression with a tiny sad smile made many more tears run down your cheeks. „I think that will be best for the both of us.“

You wanted to scream, cry and beat some sense into him. Everything he was saying was nonsense. Wasn’t it? Who cared about your family and their approval? You wanted Porco, nobody else. It’s been that way for many years and it wasn’t any different now.

„We can talk when I come back from the front. Maybe after the war is over.“

You didn’t say a word. All your strength and attention were focused on wiping away the tears streaming down your cheeks. Porco heard you sob quietly but did nothing to comfort you.

„I’ll always love you, but this is going to be the best for the both of us.“

„Sure,“ you muttered under your breath. „If you think so. Keep telling yourself all these lies. I’m simply not buying it.“

Porco sighed. „Don’t make this unnecessarily hard. We’re both in pain, Y/N. Don’t make it even worse.“

„You know what?“ you asked quietly, hugging your knees tightly. „I always thought, that you wanted the same thing as me. I thought you wanted to have a future with me, to build a family one day.“ You felt so stupid for all of the times you dreamed about your future with Porco. It was all just a dream and you were the only one dreaming it. „I believed, that you would fight for me and for our love. I... I...“ your voice broke for a moment, all the emotions making it hard to breathe. „I always thought, that you would do anything, to keep me in your life. Even come to my parents and ask for their permission to marry me.“

It was obvious, that there was something Porco wasn’t telling you. That’s why you gave him time to gather enough courage to speak up. Porco wasn’t a coward, at least that’s what you thought. However, when he didn’t utter another word and simply headed for the door, you felt as if he was a complete stranger. Not somebody, who tried to convince you about his love only a short while ago.

You heard him mumble something right before he opened the door and slipped out. Coldness was radiating from his every move. You saw him battle with himself to look back at you at least one last time, but his pride, or whatever it was, won. He closed the door after he left the room and left you with a pain so unimaginable, you were sure you won’t see another day.

In just a couple of minutes, your life completely fell apart and lost all meaning. The only thing... only person, who made you excited to wake up every morning, was gone.

„Hey,“ said your older brother in a calm voice, while he rested his hands on your shoulders. You were so mesmerized by the raindrops slipping down the cold window glass, that you didn’t even notice him coming into your room. „I didn’t want to say anything at first, but now I really worry about you, Y/N.“

„Why?“

„Nothing makes you happy anymore. You barely smile or even talk to us. Mother and Father worry about you as well, even Lara seems concerned.“ You shrugged, resting your forehead against the window. „We both know, that this is going on for many months now.“

„What do you want me to say, Willy?“ you asked him, looking over your shoulder and right into his face.

„I want you to talk to me about the things that bother you. Just like when you were little. You always came to me or Lara, when you needed something. And we always tried to help you the best we could.“

Yes, he was right. They did their best when you needed something. Since they were both many years older, they had priceless experiences. And most importantly, they loved you and wanted you to have the best life possible.

Or at least that’s what you always thought.

And then it all changed, almost a year ago. Just a few weeks after Porco Galliard broke your heart. The time for naming the new inheritor of the War Hammer Titan came out of the blue – at least for you. The others already knew, how it was all going to happen. They decided without you. So when your paternal uncle’s life was coming to an end, your family broke the big news. It was you, who they found the most fit for this „noble“ role.

„And I will never forget that. I love both of you, this is nothing personal.“

„Am I supposed to believe it?“

„Believe what you want, I don’t care.“

Since Porco and you broke up, nothing was the same.

Most of your days were spent shut away in your room – crying, regretting many things, and battling many dark and sinister thoughts. And it all got worse when you became the new War Hammer Titan. Your family wanted you to train and learn to use its powers properly. But learning to control a Titan, let alone one with so much power was harder than you ever imagined. But maybe just because you weren’t really trying. You had no energy and motivation for that.

After all, the War Hammer Titan wasn’t meant to fight anyone. Not during these times you were living. It simply became a family heirloom, that needed to be kept safe and passed down every thirteen years.

„Why am I even here, Willy? I don’t have anything to do with this.“

„You do, dear sister. Just because you are the strongest person in our family now. And you swore to lend me this power whenever I’ll need it,“ Willy reminded you, running his hand up and down your back. His voice seemed calm. Maybe too calm given the situation. „Now that time came.“

You stayed quiet, searching the rainy Liberio street for any sign of life. Sadly, it seemed as if you and Willy, the oldest and the youngest of the Tybur siblings, were the only ones here.

„I don’t need you to do or say anything, Y/N. I’ll do the talking, you are just going to stand there behind me and keep quiet.“

„So I’m going to act like a scarecrow?“

Willy nodded. „Basically, yes.“ He leaned closer to you and pressed a little kiss on top of your head. Just like when you were little. „I don’t expect any problems, it’s going to be a meeting like many before. But it’s always good to have a few tricks up my sleeve, don’t you think?“ You didn’t even move a muscle. „It’s good to give certain people a reminder, that we as a family possess such power.“

„I never wanted this,“ you whispered, closing your eyes and swallowing all the pain and sorrow that were trying to suffocate you. „And you knew it more than well.“

„Don’t forget what you did, Y/N. After that, there was no other way.“

„What did I do? Fall in love? Was that really so bad, that you had to punish me this way? I gave up my life for this family, I only have twelve years left, nothing more.“

Yes, your parents and siblings found out about your previous relationship with Porco. Well... they didn’t know, who exactly you were in a relationship with. You successfully kept that a secret. But how did they find out, that you recently had a lover? Shortly after you and Porco broke up, you found out, that you were pregnant. And hiding something like that wasn’t possible. Not in the Tybur household.

Since you didn’t want to tell who the father was, your family automatically assumed, that it was a filthy Eldian. And when you didn’t object, you basically signed your own death. If you didn’t want to end up disowned and stripped of your name, which guaranteed you many important rights, you had to obey and do everything your parents asked you to do.

You gave up your unborn child and with unimaginable emptiness in your heart and soul ultimately gave up your own life as well. Why? Because you were scared, lost, and hurt. You had nothing and nobody. Not really. Not in the way you needed.

Going through these events changed you beyond recognition. When you looked into the mirror, you barely recognized yourself. However, the saddest part was, that your family saw it too, while they probably had no regrets about their choices. They didn’t act like they would regret putting you through so much suffering.

„How can you act like nothing happened, Willy?“

„I don’t act like nothing happened. I’m just doing my best to navigate the reality we live in now.“

„The reality all of you chose for me.“

With these words, you slipped past your brother and made your way to the dresser. Willy watched you pick out clothes for the evening and then left you alone to change into them and get ready. In the end, it didn’t even matter what you were going to wear. The only important piece of clothing was the full-length black cloak with a massive hood, which hid your face more than perfectly. Despite that, you had to wear a white porcelain mask, that symbolized the War Hammer Titan.

Nobody could know, who in your family had this power. It was like that for many, many years and you had no other choice than to follow these rules.

So once again, you did what you had to. You got into a carriage with your brother and headed for his meeting together. While he talked to the merchants and some politicians you didn’t know, you were standing by the door and keeping your mouth shut. You didn’t even pay attention to what they were talking about.

Your only responsibility was to be there in case those people needed a reminder, of who the Tyburs really are.

The meeting was long and tiring. While it lasted, you silently battled the emptiness inside of you, which gradually turned into tears. You could feel them sliding down your cheeks underneath the mask you hated so much. All you wished for, right there at that moment, was to simply drop dead and never open your eyes again.

You weren’t a person anymore. Just a weapon for a family that probably hated you more than anyone for one simple mistake.

For falling in love with someone, who you still couldn’t get over.

After four years, Marley finally won the war and everything was supposed to return to normal. You dreamed about that day many, many times. But you never imagined yourself being trapped in the life you were living now. You never imagined being nothing more than a weapon. A walking corpse with a still beating heart.

Your relationship with Porco Galliard was still on your mind. There wasn’t a day when he wasn’t on your mind. Your heart remained in pieces and your soul was colder than ever since the day of your break up.

„I’m glad you were able to make it today,“ you said kindly, forcing a smile on your lips.

„It’s good to see you again,“ Porco said, resting his back against the chair. It was him, who contacted you right after he came back from the front and said, the two of you should meet. So you both agreed on today. „Although...“

You gave Porco a sad smile. „Just say it, I won’t get mad. I know I look more than horrible.“ He chuckled, crossing his arms over his chest. „But you look good. As good as always.“

His offer to meet up shocked you. But you didn’t even consider not accepting it. After all, you longed to see him again. To see his face and hear his voice. Telling him about what happened since you broke up wasn’t your plan. You never wanted him to feel the pain you had to go through. And you certainly never wanted him to know, that the two of you could have been parents.

„Why did you agree to meet up with me?“ Porco asked a little hesitantly, his light hazel eyes studying your face. Today, you actually put effort into getting ready and made sure to look as presentable as possible. „I didn’t expect a positive answer. Better said, I didn’t expect any answer from you at all.“

„I wanted to see you, that’s it.“

„You’re not mad about what I did to you?“ When you shook your head, he seemed to be taken aback. That probably wasn’t the reaction he was counting on. „I see the way you look at me right now. Don’t tell me you’re not mad about how I acted a year ago when we saw each other for the last time.“

„No, I’m not mad, Porco,“ you answered without hesitation, nervously playing with your fingers. „I’m really not mad at all.“

„But what I did...“

„What you did... you hurt me and broke my heart. That’s what you did. I’m still hurt, sad, and confused about why it had to happen. But I’m not mad,“ you tried to explain your feelings to him, without saying more than what was necessary.

You were more than glad, that he was sitting there right opposite of you. The only thing that separated the two of you, was a small table of the local coffee and tea shop. Back in the day, Porco used to take you here for dates. Many beautiful memories were tied to this place. And it felt only natural, probably for the both of you, to meet here once again. Under many different circumstances, however.

„Do you expect an apology from me?“

„More like an explanation,“ you said, watching him run his right hand over his hair. It was smoothed back perfectly, just like every other time. For somebody, who just recently came back from war, he looked more than good. He was still the same handsome young Warrior you fell in love with many years ago. The same person you still loved deeply. „I want to understand what happened between us.“

Porco took a deep breath but ultimately failed to start talking. He kept looking at you, gazing into your eyes and probably searching for the girl you once were. The one he once loved. The realization, that she no longer existed kept hurting you over and over again.

„What happened to you?“ he asked almost too quietly, reaching out his hand towards you. But before he was able to grab your chin or touch your cheek, you pulled away. „I barely recognize you, Y/N.“ His words were full of pain and his eyes overflowing with concern. „Don’t take this the wrong way, but you used to be so astonishingly beautiful and full of life. Full of love and light. And now...“

„I know,“ you said before he could finish.

„What happened? Who did this to you?“

You shook your head and gave him a weak smile. „Let it be, please. That’s not important right now.“

„Your family?“

„Porco!“ you hissed, looking away. It already took almost all of your energy to pretend, that you were doing more than just surviving or waiting for death. With him asking questions he already knew the answers to... „Let’s just settle everything between us finally and then... go our separate ways once again, I guess.“

All you wanted, was him and only him. You still wanted the life you dreamed about in the past – a life with Porco Galliard as your partner. Despite him, and now you too, being a Titan Shifter. You would do the unimaginable, to have that life. To have him back, even if only for a couple of years.

„Okay, so... what do you want to hear? That I’m a coward, who simply got scared? Who didn’t want to burden you with my fate? How was I supposed to marry you, when we both know I’m going to die in a couple of years?“

„I never cared about that and you knew it,“ you objected immediately, your heart filling with even more pain, as you listened to his every word. He didn’t even dare to look you in the eyes all of a sudden, which only made the situation worse.

„But I did, Y/N,“ he said, clenching his hands into fists. „I did.“

„It wasn’t fair, you know? What you did to me... to us.“

He nodded. „I know that now. And I can assure you, that I’m suffering because of how stupid I was back then.“

„Would you take it back if you had the chance?“ you asked, but maybe it would be better not knowing the answer. For almost a whole year you hoped he regretted what he did and said. But you also feared he had zero regrets and actually was much happier than when you were a couple.

„Every single word. Even the ones I never said out loud.“

„That’s...“ You didn’t even know what you wanted to say. During the last year, when you thought about meeting Porco again, you thought you were ready. But now everything was different. Much more complicated. „Why is it so hard to find the right words all of a sudden?“ you asked with a quiet laugh.

„I’m asking myself the same question.“

„There is so much I wanted to tell you. So much I wanted you to know. About me and about us. But... right now... nothing seemed important anymore. All I know is that I... that I still... I still love you. Just like before all of that happened. I love you the same way I loved you a year ago and I know, that it’s never going to change.“

„I never stopped loving you. Quite the opposite. From that day forward I...“ Porco shook his head with a nervous smile and grabbed one of your hands, which was resting on the table. At first, you wanted to pull your hand away, but feeling the warmth radiating from his skin made you feel at ease. „I thought about you every single day. Even on the battlefield when I was fighting.“

„Wasn’t it distracting?“ you joked a little and that surprised the both of you.

„Motivating,“ Porco corrected you and squeezed your hand. „When I was thinking about you, I knew I needed to push forward under every circumstance.“ Holding hands was something that always helped you keep calm. „I knew I had to come back and try to make things right with you.“

„So you want to... you think we should try it again?“

He seemed hesitant, his eyes full of worry but also full of love. „I don’t know, Y/N. If you look at it, nothing changed during that year. You are still you and me... I am still me. We both live in a completely different world and we both know what my future holds.“

„That doesn’t change anything, Porco.“

„It changes so many things. Our whole future.“

„I love you,“ you said, looking straight into his face. „And I want to give our future a shot. Even if all we have are a couple of years.“ The urge to tell him the real truth about everything, every single little thing that happened over the last year, was growing stronger and stronger. He deserved to know, at least some of the things.

But was it the right time?

Did you really want to risk ruining this moment?

„You have to forget me and think about your future with someone, who is not going to leave you in a couple of years. With someone, who your family is going to accept by your side.“

„I don’t care about their opinion, Porco. Not anymore.“

The little coffee and tea shop was buzzing with life. People were coming and going, but nobody paid any attention to you or Porco. For them, you were just another young couple. Nobody knew anything about your lives. Nobody knew your story and all the pain behind it.

And that made you wonder how many of those people suffered because of something similar. How many of them had their heart broken by a partner or their family? How many of them changed because of the pain they weren’t able to chase away? Because of the pain, which was so intense it seemed unbearable and unending.

You were opening your mouth to speak up... to tell him the truth about the baby you were supposed to have, and about you being the new War Hammer Titan. But you bit your tongue in the last possible second and instead gave Porco the warmest smile you were capable of.

It felt better that way.

You didn’t even want to imagine him hurting and suffering the way you did.

„Look, I can’t force you to do anything. If you think, that it’s better if we stay apart... I’m gonna accept it. I just don’t want to argue anymore. I don’t want us to hate each other,“ you spoke at last, trying to take a couple of deep breaths to keep yourself calm and present at the moment.

„We can still be friends,“ Porco got out in a quiet voice, his index finger drawing tiny little circles onto your skin. „I don’t want you to disappear from my life completely.“

Deep down in your heart you knew, that it was the only way. Leaving Porco behind was the only correct thing to do, if you wanted to spare him from all that pain. But never seeing him again... that idea felt as if somebody was ripping your heart from your chest once again.

„I know you’ll have a wonderful life, Y/N,“ Porco spoke again, his thumb grazing over your left ring finger.

„What does it even mean, Porco? How does a wonderful life look like these days?“

He bowed his head, clearly not having the right answer. „I’m afraid you’ll have to ask someone else,“ he chuckled.

Sitting there and holding his hand felt so right. Once again, you felt like a younger and much, much happier version of yourself. Even if it only lasted for a couple of short minutes. Being with Porco reminded you how it felt to be truly alive.

And you missed that feeling dearly and instantly when you and Porco said your goodbyes for that day. On the other hand, you were glad he didn’t have more time and had to go. With all of the emotions floating around you were mere seconds from spilling all your secrets, just so he could help you carry your suffering.

The night was mercilessly cold and almost unending, filled with thick dark clouds, loud thunder, and millions of raindrops. Sleep was avoiding you at all costs, because the only thing you were able to think about, was your meeting with Porco in the morning. When you closed your eyes, you could still feel his hand holding yours. You felt his warmth and his reassuring presence.

But when you opened your eyes once again, the only thing welcoming you back into reality was your old bedroom in the Tybur’s residence in Liberio. The whole family was here – your parents and siblings, even Willy’s wife and kids. You loved your nieces and nephews to bits, every single one of them. But they were always a handful. So full of energy all the time, that nobody could keep up with them.

A festival was set to take place in a couple of days. That was all you knew for now. Better said, that was all Willy wanted you to know. Your place was once again right behind his back, hidden under a mask and ready to threaten anybody, who even tried to disrespect your family.

You were so lost in your own thought, that the quiet knocking on one of your windows went completely unnoticed. But just until that someone knocked a bit louder, finally catching your attention. With furrower brows and a confused look, you threw one of the blankets over your shoulders and went over to the window. Right there, outside in the cold and pouring rain, was Porco Galliard. His hair was all wet and sticking to his forehead, his clothes drenched from rainwater.

„What the hell are you doing here?“ you asked and quickly opened the window. He was standing on the ledge under your window, holding onto one of the thinner decorative pillars which ran around the whole house.

„I forgot something pretty damn important in the morning.“

„What...“ Before you could finish what you were saying, Porco leaned in through the now-open window and pressed his lips against yours.

Your arms immediately wrapped around his waist, to keep him from falling off, while he leaned even closer to deepen your kiss. Was it really a whole year since you kissed his lips for the last time? Because when you closed your eyes at that very moment, it seemed as if no time had passed.

„I love you,“ he whispered a little out of breath, while you rested your foreheads together. Porco kept one of his hands on the back of your neck as if he feared you would run away. But that didn’t even occur to you. „I never stopped and I never will.“ He said something similar during your earlier meeting as well. But right now his words were full of completely different emotions.  

Without saying anything, you just kissed him again, one of your hands cupping his cheek. Feeling his lips against yours could never get old. It has always been one of the best feelings in the entire world. Right from the moment the two of you kissed for the first time.

„Come inside, you need to get those wet clothes off,“ you say, quickly giving him one more kiss before you help him climb inside. This wasn’t the first or the second time Porco has done that. By now he knew how to avoid the guards and sneak past them, to climb up into your room.

As soon as his feet touched the floor in your bedroom, his hands were on your hips, his lips once again in contact with yours. Without even thinking about closing the window to keep the cold out, you pulled his jacket off and tossed it onto the floor. The red armband on his sleeve was forgotten and never once thought about it during the rest of the night. For you, it meant nothing at all. The only important thing was Porco himself.

It was all so easy.

Almost too easy.

Easy to get all of his clothes off, just like many times before. Your fingers knew all too well what to do, while your lips stayed in touch with his, or while they were leaving sweet small kisses along his neck or jaw. It was as if the both of you stopped thinking completely and let your bodies be led by love and desire.

Porco’s warm hands worked magic with your body, he seemed so confident in every single thing he was doing. He knew you. Knew your body and what it liked and asked for. Soon all of your troubles were forgotten, even if only for a short time. Just until the two of you stayed tangled in between the bedsheets, enjoying moments filled with tenderness and affection. And love... so much love it actually made your head spin.

„What will happen next?“ Porco asked, his fingers playing without your hair, while your head was resting on his bare chest. Both of you were still a little flushed and out of breath, but also completely content and maybe even happy.

„I don’t know,“ you said, drawing little circles on his skin with your index finger.

„Do we just get back together? Despite knowing that...“ You lifted your head and kissed him before he had the chance to finish his words. You didn’t want to hear it. Or talk at all.

„What about we just enjoy tonight? And not think about anything else.“

You wanted to be with him. So, so, so bad. But looking back at the mess your life was, wishing for a future with Porco was silly. The Tyburs would never accept him into the family and with you owning the War Hammer, there was no chance that they would let you leave. Even if you and Porco ran away, they would find you. Probably anywhere in the world.

All you truly had, was that one night. Nothing more and nothing less. Only those couple of hours until the storm passed and the sun started to rise. And you spent those hours very wisely. Without talking and worrying, only by enjoying the presence of one another.

Felling his warm body pressed up against yours felt like the most beautiful dream come true. He spent hours playing with your hair or kissing your body in different places. All while you let your fingers trace the muscles all over his body, just to remember them better. You even risked looking him straight in the eyes for longer than a few seconds. And only because you wanted to remember their light hazel color forever. For as long as you’ll be alive.

Watching Porco get up and put on his clothes early in the morning was truly one of the most heartbreaking things you’ve ever had to face. Because while he probably thought, that you can have more nights like this one, you knew better. You knew, that this never could happen again.

But when you were saying your goodbyes, you made sure Porco didn’t suspect anything. Not even when you kissed him for the last time, while your already shattered heart was breaking all over again. Before he left, you lied to him, that you’ll have some important business to attend to with your siblings, so the two of you should meet sometime after the festival. Only because you hoped, that by that time you’ll be far away from Liberio once more.

Away from him and from everything you so desperately wanted to experience only with him by your side.

When you and Porco kissed for the last time that morning, it never even occurred to you, that you truly won’t get another chance to taste his lips ever again. You never thought that you’ll watch as a Titan eats your own brother right before your eyes. Although Willy was preparing you for some kind of unexpected attack during the festival, you never imagined something similar.

„Promise me something,“ Willy said just a couple of minutes before he stepped onto the stage and began the long-awaited performance. You could see fear like never before in his eyes. „Whatever happens, you keep on fighting and keep on living.“

„As if I had such a long life ahead of me.“

„Y/N,“ he sighed, took a step closer, and pulled you into a tight hug. His actions surprised you, but you soon wrapped your arms around his waist and hugged him back. „We both know what may happen in a couple of minutes. And I don’t want us to part on bad terms.“

You shook your head, quietly burying your face into your brother’s chest. It was better not knowing the reason why you came to Liberio this time. Because after he told you...

„I hope you’ll one day understand, why we chose you to be the next carrier of the War Hammer Titan. It wasn’t out of anger or hatred, please, never think that.“

„Our parents gave me no choice, Willy. And you know it, you and Lara were there as well. And you sided with them, not with me. None of you cared about what I had to say about all of that.“

There was something you never told him. And you were contemplating, if this was the right time. If this evening really turned out to be your brother’s last, it would be better to stay quiet. Better not to tell him about the pain you felt every single time you looked at his children – your beloved nieces and nephews. You would give your life for them, but every time you saw Willy or his wife with the kids, you remembered what you were forced to give up. You remembered the baby you were supposed to have with Porco.And in those moments you hated your parent and siblings to the point, that you could...

When it all happened, there was no time to even mourn your brother’s death.

You felt sick to your stomach, as you looked around and saw all those people – crushed and bleeding, on the verge of dying or already dead. Even you were injured pretty badly when Eren Jaeger attacked Liberio in his Titan form. But since you had titan powers yourself, it wasn’t such a big deal.

Not when you had to transform almost immediately and use the Har Hammer’s powers like never before. Eren was a skilled opponent, you had to admit that. Even more, when his devilish comrades from that damned island came to help him. But you did your best until the very end. You used all the power your Titan had and fought for your family and your homeland. Even the Marleyan military tried to help you before they had to face the attack from the Devils of Paradis. Commander Magath and his men were there, to make sure you devour Eren and become the new Founding Titan.

As you fought Eren Jaeger, you felt all of Marley’s eyes on you. Horrified civilians and the whole military were counting on you to put a stop to all of this madness. Just like everybody was counting on the other Warriors and their Titans.

At one moment, you were so close. All you needed, was one last hit to finish him off and gain his powers. But that same moment was the beginning of the end. Your end. Before you knew it, everything was in ruin and the crystal you were safely sealed in, was in your enemy’s hands. All kinds of different emotions overcame you, when you heard the War Hammer’s body fall to the ground, as the Attack and Founding Titan picked up the crystal from underneath the ruins.

That’s when you saw Porco’s Titan attack for the first time. He almost succeeded... almost.

You felt tears full of pain run down your cheeks, as you simply couldn’t do anything to help him. You couldn’t even help yourself. Eren was the one, who held your fate in his hands. And he very well knew, what he wanted to do with you. You tried to strike against him one last time and hold him in place, by using the last bits of your Titan’s powers. But after that, you could only watch and wait.

For death or redemption you probably never deserved.

Before you knew it, Eren was tossing the Jaw Titan around like a toy. You heard yourself scream Porco’s name as loud as you could until your voice gave out. But that changed nothing. Eren didn’t stop. He had a mission and he was determined to complete it. Basically... your life meant nothing to him, just like his life meant nothing to you.

So after he took care of Porco and tore all of the Jaw’s limbs off, he showed your crystal right into the Titan’s mouth. Between his exceptionally powerful teeth, which could bite even through metal or other similar strong surfaces.

Your crystal included.

You weren’t sure if Porco saw you inside the crystal. If he got to find out, that it was you all along. But you could swear, that you heard somebody scream your name just seconds before unimaginable pain took over your whole body and before everything went black before your eyes for good.

What did you feel in those final moments? Besides pain, a huge wave of relief washed over you. You never thought that you would die like this. But at least it mean that your suffering was finally ending. The crown, which was placed on your head forcefully, finally fell off and out of the reach of your family.

Maybe... maybe it was better this way.

Maybe... just maybe there was never good and evil. Only many different kinds of evil wearing mismatched masks while pretending to be good.

So when your consciousness faded away for the very last time, you actually felt a little smile form on your lips, just seconds before your tears were mixed with blood.

Right there, amongst the ruins of the city you were born in, Porco Galliard ended your life, when his Jaw Titan snapped your protective crystal to tiny pieces. And all that was left of you – the girl he so sincerely loved – was devoured by Eren Jaeger.

[actuallyadhd]

Hi, I think I may have symptoms of adhd? It wasn’t til a read an ask from another blog about medicine and symptoms for adhd that I started to ponder why I always struggled in social situations. I don’t lean on having long drawn out conversations where I’m on the receiving end. I don’t comprehend what people are saying in most social interactions. I just hear word jumbled up and can’t form a reply back because I can’t process fast enough. It’s gotten worse as I get older. I don’t know how I made it through college. I’m also schizoaffective w/ anxiety and depression at times. I’m not lazy but I seem to place objects all over the place and at the end of the day my home looks like a war zone. I don’t watch t.v at all . I use to read more content. I don’t even like reading my mail. I lose interest because i can’t follow along. I hate noises like when someone is in the kitchen going about the day. I don’t read much anymore because I have to read over a couple of times with sentences. When I do engage with someone I just act like I know what there saying and act like I’m listening. I do impulsive things and act and say things I regret. There is a part of the day where I can shut up and sit steal. I interrupt conversations because I’ll forget what I want to say. I have delayed reaction or response to what is being asked of me and it pisses me off when people expect me to answer them quickly .I hear voice hallucinations and you can probably hear me through my door talking with funny bones ( name of my hallucinations ). If all these things sound familiar could you confirm that I may be on to something where I could actually receive some help for . Thank you. This is my very first inquiry about the condition adhd. 

DEFIANT

Sent March 3, 2024

A lot of this does sound similar to ADHD, yes. However, your other conditions could be causing those symptoms. It's also possible that those conditions are just making the ADHD symptoms harder to deal with. It is always worth talking with a professional about the possibility, to see if they agree that an assessment is warranted.

-J

[joyswonderland1108]

Ara Ara

I’m just popping in to “clear” a debate, as i said before it’s exhausting to write long posts but my hands itch to write something anytime i see stuff going on. One of the reasons why it’s always better to be in the “not sure” zone instead of completely denying something that one may not even have knowledge about. Let’s get started shall we? 

So Jimin, precious Mimi, beautiful Jimim, my beloved child (he’s older than me but shush) came live yesterday to share his emotions with us about his amazing achievement, his well deserved achievement, the slap on the face of haters who instead of working on making their favs rise to some level they decided to invest time and energy into trying to make other people win just to not only fail but let down their own favs 🤦🏻‍♀️ Well Jimin said “Fuck all your opps” anyways so

Now i don’t want to focus on the part where you can oh so very clearly hear a “ 빨리가“ at the very beginning (Surprisingly enough this girl actually understands some Korean don’t underestimate her) i wanna be realistic here, while i’ve seen some people wondering if they’ve heard a ppo-ppo sound i honestly don’t think so at all, i’m sticking with the the first one and the lights situation going on too but even that i’m not gonna focus too much on it, and for reference : 

Moving on to our main subject which is the gaming chair, or chairs in that case

And as my bestie said and i quote “It doesn’t mean anything yet Jimin grabbed the phone like a hot potato“ i mean chile why would he panic, it’s just a chair right? WRONG! 

Just to clarify, for people who may have thought that was JK’s chair from the studio, Jimin’s chair is an Arena and JK’s chair is an Akracing.. With an Arena cushion 👀

Well the point is no it’s not the chair from the studio but does that change the fact that Jimin has a second GAMING chair? No. Well, yes and no, lemme explain. 

“It’s just a second chair he could be having one for if friends come over” key word here: IF. You may or may not know that there’s this unspoken rule where, despite having a spare chair or even 10 spare chairs, they don’t go with the setup, they go to a storage room or the garage or wherever you can put it away and take it out when needed, because why tf would there be a second or third chair chilling out there when the possibility of having gamer friends coming over is always questionable. 

Speaking of gamer friends, have y’all seen a gamer in real life? they don’t even need to be in the same place everybody plays from home and they chat through their headsets. No matter how rich you are or how much you can afford expensive gaming chairs, a gaming set up is precious to its owner, one just doesn’t mess up with their set up, if you’re alone, you game alone, you put ONE chair. If you do happen to have a spare chair and a gamer friend decides to visit you THEN whip out the chair from where it was stored if you don’t have a spare one, the friend can literally sit anywhere, on the floor for all i know who tf cares. 

Now i’ll be sharing this link with y’all so you can check it out yourself, just not to say that i picked out what i wanted or what fit the narrative and left out the rest : 

See how gorgeous the set ups are? See how very expensive looking they are? (Well as a matter of fact they ARE expensive) See how neat they are? Notice something? Well actually you’ll notice two things :

1- Almost all of the setups have one chair like this one : 

And where you can’t see the chair are tinier desks that can so very obviously fit one chair 

2- The three setups that are designed for a “pair” are the following ones : 

“Side-by-Side Couple PC Setup“

“His and Hers Wall-Mounted PC Setup“

“Father-Son Star Wars Gaming Room”

Notice something in common there? Basically all the “pair” setups are meant for two or more people who game and are living under the same roof, a couple, siblings, or parents-kids. Mind you even if you do have a partner but they don’t game, your setup will NOT be a “pair” setup, as i said above, those are precious, they’re almost sacred lol there’s an aesthetic to them, there’s a whole architecture going on there, so we’re not messing that up by adding a random second chair for a friend or friends who are barely there. 

Do whatever the fuck you want with this information, but i hope that with this added “knowledge” people would stop with their “that’s not a big deal” bullshit, i see you, that one person who posted that lame ass excuse on Twitter. With that being said.. STREAM FACE!!! 

[exosmutfactory]

Only Forever 007.75

Originally posted by byunvoyage

How long could you wait for the love of your life to decide you are his as well? How many times could you witness all his best moments of winning over agencies and the amount of clothes left overnight from his daily one night stands?

Main Masterlist | Bookclub zone | Chapter 7.75✓

networks — @/superm-net @/bbh-net

pairing — Baekhyun x You

word count — 2.2k

genre — model! baekhyun, playboy! baekhyun, friends to lovers! romance, angst, fluff, smut (eventually)

[ This chapter contains: a conversation 🍃 ]

⏰💋 Only Forever Tag List: 💋⏰

@to-all-the-stories-i-love @you-n-me-e-e @insta1010 @bellamendoza @bbhflrt @weirdoome @marovekian1 @pearliejoy @loey0491 @__jxnnx3 @soonvivi @jairahxelle @dynqstyna @xuxibelle

Chapter 7.75

Let go of any hesitation

It keeps bugging you—that you haven’t sat down and talked everything over with Baekhyun yet. All the uncertainties of where you stood now with your best friend.

You haven’t seen him in a week. Not that you are avoiding him…

Okay, maybe you are a little bit. Which is bad. But you did it for a good reason. After that time at the bar… and on the hill… you had to get your head straight. You had to get yourself together.

It hasn’t even been 2 months since your last relationship fell flat and the last thing you want to do is carry all that baggage over into… Whatever it is you are building with Baekhyun now…

But are you? Are you working toward a… what? A relationship with him? Is he your lover? Your boyfriend? Or are you stuck in a friends-with-benefits kind of situation because you did the thing you always do when your feelings for someone are flying through the roof—rush in and hope that your magical, mystical, daydreamy love train doesn't crash and burn?

And how has that worked out for you so far?

Shh! Relax… Now is not the time for self patronization… Although sarcasm has always been your first defense when you are… uncomfortable like this.

Is it obvious that you aren’t good at this sort of thing?

Unfortunately, having deep conversations has become a thing that you actively avoid because asking such a simple question like “What are we?” or “Are we okay?” has led to countless encounters of your exes screaming their heads off, gaslighting you, and convincing you that you are the only one who is the problem.

It’s safe to say that being assertive and sticking up for yourself isn’t your forte. But you had made a promise to yourself the night you got on that plane to fly to the Byun’s beach house: you are going to live your life to the fullest. You will not let anything or anyone hold you back. And now that you and Baekhyun have already taken things further, you will not be afraid to let your concerns be known to him. If he cares for you like he has said all of these years, if he respects you like he has shown you all of these years, then he shouldn’t have a problem having this conversation with you.

So, you put on your most unassuming t-shirt that screams ‘I haven’t slept well in ages, but I’m ready for war if the situation arises’ with your ‘please keep this conversation straightforward and concise’ jeans and pick up your phone to find out where Baekhyun is at. Because if you don’t do this now, you’ll continue tiptoeing around each other like timid children playing musical chairs while refusing to face the music.

(Are you home?) \\

(Yes) //

Great. That’s all the incentive you need to get your ass over there.

You jog down three flights of stairs to reach the parking lot of your apartment building and head straight for your car. You finally found time to visit the nearest (and highly reviewed) car dealership to pick up a cute and reliable vehicle. It’s not anything fancy and the bumper is a little crooked, but it is yours and it gets the job done just fine.

After checking your surroundings, you slip behind the steering wheel and start your journey over to Baekhyun’s place with the rising sun as your backdrop. You turn off the radio to think (and overthink-) about what you plan to say to him, trying to remember all of his subtle triggers that you want to avoid after years of knowing him and his laid-back temperament. But then you stop yourself. You don’t need to overthink it—you know how to not be an asshole. There is a serious conversation to be had and you will not let your cautious nature get in the way of everything you need to get off of your chest. Again, if Baekhyun is truly your best friend—your best friend for over a decade, he can handle having an adult conversation with you.

…

Why must adulting be so fucking hard?

You pull up to his apartment complex, once again in awe at the modern and sophisticated appearance of the building. You swear it looks like a museum with its neatly cut hedges surrounding the perimeter and the gigantic fountain out front while you put your car in park, switch off your vehicle, and step out into the spacious parking lot. There are so many expensive cars around that you clutch your purse to your chest while making your way toward the building. The last thing you need (or can afford-) is the expense of paying for some part of a foreign car. Thankfully, the parking lot is mostly empty this morning. You usually park out on the street or at the other parking lot across the road otherwise.

The security guard nods at you as you approach, familiar with you after all the times you’ve come here with Baekhyun. You slip through the gate with a polite smile and head inside the apartment complex. The pristine windows and shiny floor in the lobby do nothing to ease the nervous energy building in your chest.

Why am I nervous? He’s just my best friend!

Yeah. Your best friend. For over a decade. Who has given you flirty looks, skinny dipped with you in his family’s jacuzzi, stuck his tongue down your throat and oh, let’s not forget where his face was the last time you saw him.

You are so grateful that no one else is in the elevator to witness the mortified expression you see on your face from the mirrored walls.

…He does know how to use that mouth of his, though—

—Okay, now is not the time to be thinking about that! This is how you got caught up in the first place.

The elevator doors open up on the top floor, showcasing the two sole doors on opposite sides of the narrow hallway. You slowly walk up to the door on the left, dread visible in every part of your body as you drag your feet across the freshly mopped floor.

Okay, you take a deep breath, psyching yourself up to knock on his door before his nosy neighbor sticks their nose out of their penthouse on the other side of the hallway. The scale (and staggering height) of Baekhyun's downtown apartment will never fail to astonish you—

Enough about that! Time to suck it up and face the music.

You knock on his door and fidget with the hem of your t-shirt, contemplating how form-fitting it is on your figure until you hear shuffling noises on the other side of the door.

Baekhyun opens the door with bed hair, droopy eyes, and a drowsy expression, making you regret all of your life choices that led up to this moment.

“Hi,” is the first thing you say while your mind registers the fact that he is not wearing a shirt.

“Hey,” he murmurs in his morning voice as he leans his arm against the doorframe. The slight rasp in his tone and the way his sweatpants slip a little under his hip send a shiver down your spine that you try to ignore.

“Sorry for coming over unannounced but,” you pause to straighten up your posture, determined to stick to your resolve, “I need to talk to you.”

Baekhyun immediately seems to perk up at that, his brown eyes wider and more alert. “Kitten-”

“We need to talk,” you repeat, giving him a searching and pleading look. You really can’t go another day, week, or month without answers.

“Okay…” you take a deep breath and look down at the floor for a long moment before meeting his eyes again. “Not gonna lie, I don't know why I rushed over here.” Oh, you know. You’re just trying to look everywhere else but at his chiseled collarbones right now. “I don’t know what I'm doing,”—that is a fact—“But I can’t keep going on—we can’t keep going on like this.”

Baekhyun sighs before stepping aside to let you into his apartment. “Here… come in, we shouldn’t have this conversation outside,” he says in a subdued tone, his brown eyes flickering behind you to what you assume is his neighbor’s door across the hallway. You only listen to him because the last thing you want is that neighbor of his catching wind of this conversation and selling it off to the tabloids like they did when Baekhyun’s godmother visited one time. (That “Has this mystery cougar snagged her claws into supermodel Byun Baekhyun?” headline was hilarious as hell though.)

“What are we, Baekhyun?” you ask as soon as he closes the door behind you. You turn to face him and stare into his brown eyes, searching them endlessly for answers. Looking for a sign or any indication that he feels the same way for you as you do for him—that he wants what you want relationship-wise. “What am I to you?”

“You’re my best friend.”

 “And?” you raise an eyebrow.

“We are together?” he says that statement like it is more of a question than an answer.

“Together? Please elaborate.”

Baekhyun presses his lips into a firm line, his eyebrows furrowing with a guarded expression on his handsome features.

You sigh and clasp your hands together in front of you, holding your purse for any amount of strength that you can get as you muster up the courage to speak to him again. “Look, I know that we always steer away from talking about our relationships with other people, okay? But we seriously need to talk about this right now. We can’t stay in this ‘friends with benefits?’ situation… If we can’t be exclusive, we have to go back to being strictly friends,” you add that last sentence after a brief pause, no matter how much the thought of it pains you to do so. “I need to know what we are. I need to know who I am to you.”

“Who do you want to be?” he asks with an unreadable expression on his face. His eyes drift away from yours in a nervous manner that you rarely see from your self-confident best friend. The morning light streaming through his floor-to-ceiling windows casts his honey-toned skin in a golden glow that you love so much on him. “Who do you want to be to me?” his voice is quiet as he looks at you now.

“I want to be your girlfriend,” you confess firmly, annoyed by how avoidant he is being. You know that Baekhyun doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve, but you really want to hear more from him right now. What is going on inside his head? How can you know his thoughts on this matter if he doesn’t share them with you? “Your only girlfriend,” you clarify, knowing your history of serial cheaters and Baekhyun’s long list of conquests. You want to make that point clear from the start.

“And I’ll be your only boyfriend?” he teases you with a little grin, opening his arms to beckon you closer to him. You internally roll your eyes and start to reply to him in a sarcastic manner, but the earnest look in his eyes makes you pause. He actually means that; he’s just trying to conceal his feelings behind a playful facade. You tilt your head while looking at him.

Why are you so guarded, Baekhyun? you think to yourself, but that is another conversation for another day. For now, you will do your best to reassure this man that, if he wants to take this step with you into a new layer of your relationship with him, then he is all you will ever need. Just him: Byun Baekhyun. Behind closed doors. Away from flashing lights and blinding cameras. Under all the makeup and the designer brands that emphasize his handsome physique and amplify his captivating personality.

Baekhyun sighs when you wrap your arms around his waist and rest your chin on his bare shoulder. You never realized how tense he is until you feel his body relaxing in your embrace.

“Thank you,” he whispers into your ear before nuzzling his face in your hair, surrounding you with his citrus scent while your own natural fragrance seems to calm him down even more. “I’m not used to this. I’m not the best at it…” he quietly admits, his frustration at his lack of expertise in this dating aspect is audible in the low tone of his voice. “But I want to try it with you. I want to be with you.”

You smile to yourself, your cheeks warming as you turn your head slightly to kiss his cheek in the cheesiest yet most sincere way possible. “I want to be with you too,” you murmur warmly before pulling him closer.

Although you are still nervous about what lies ahead in the future of your relationship with Baekhyun, most of your worry has turned into a fluttering excitement in your chest. You two have known each other for half of your lives. You have been through thick and thin together. If you have Baekhyun in your corner, encouraging you to take more risks and live life to the fullest (in the safest way possible) then you know that you will be alright. You both will be okay.

You’re already in deep. There’s no way you could possibly fall even harder for him... right?

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | PRE 7 | Part 7 | Part 7.5(M) | Part 7.75✓ | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 |

A/N: 

Me, *writing this chapter while my brain is halfway through chapter 8 like the little overthinking organ it is*: ah yes, the idiots finally had the talk! Now we can get this party started for real (^-^)

Hello, Infinity team and lovely readers! Sorry for the late update (it's been 5 weeks lmao-) I had to finish major projects for the end of my summer semester, but now I got 2 weeks before classes start again so here I am with this new chapter!

SO—our main couple finally had their talk! How was it? Did it answer your questions? Was it a satisfactory delivery of honesty on Baekhyun’s part? He’s a tight-lipped character, but maybe he will learn to be more open with OC as time goes on :3 Let me know what you think! I’d love to hear from you.

Have a great week! <3

[theresattrpgforthat]

I want some games where i play as a soldier or civilian in a war y'know?, with all the trauma and war crimes that come with it

THEME: War, Combat, Trauma.

Hello friend. I haven't found any games about civilian trauma yet, but there's certainly plenty of games about soldiers, expecially in revolution. Here are three recommendations for you.

Our Final Struggle, by Loreshaper Games.

You’ve been chosen to lead the assault on the Imperial Palace. After three years of war, the Eighth Shock Legion has arrived on Minaret, to end the Empire’s rule and bring peace.

You will go on ahead. You’ve been chosen for your unique skills, honed during the revolution. Your mission: capture the Imperial family, or eliminate them if capture is impossible.

This game is a quick read: it gives you enough of the setting to tell you where the players start off, without giving you chapters of lore, which means it’s up to the table to decide what the Empire is like, and why it must be brought down. Players will have to answer questions about who they were before they joined up, and the game uses 5d6 as well as a graded level of success. 

There’s less about trauma implicitly written into this game, so consider this to be a place where you can decide how much you want to explore or not. What if the Imperials hold innocents amongst their numbers? Does your group have the right to act as jury, judge and executioner? If you are going to explore these themes, I recommend you have a Session 0 with your group before playing, set up some lines and veils, and ensure the use of safety tools throughout the course of play.

Guns Blazing, by Havocfett.

Guns Blazingis a roleplaying game about revolutionaries and freedom fighters at the dusk of the colonial age. Players enter the myriad flashpoints of the age, thrown against the machinations of colonial powers and supernatural monsters from without while navigating the contradictory, seemingly irreconcilable politics of change within. 

Guns Blazing runs on an original engine, called Ahadi, styled loosely on Genesys and Storyteller. Characters engage in brutal, tactical gunfights against monstrous foes, where goals are clear, the enemy is obvious, and you can measure success in spent bullets and dead bodies. Then they return to the home front, where their allies hate each other, you don’t know who to trust, and success is a formless dream of a better future.  

This game is still in playtest, but even the playtest puts you inside a war zone, with threats both mundane and supernatural. Don’t expect much for layout in the current document, but the Kickstarter shows a lot of promise. I’m fascinated at the potential of this game to talk about war in a context that’s much bigger than just the fights themselves.

Nasty, Brutish & Long, by NotWriting.

Nasty, Brutish, & Long is a tabletop role-playing game about class war and revolution in your own fantastical setting. Based on the Forged in the Dark system, this rules-light game puts characters divided by class and resources front and center in a world on the brink of permanent change. Will your bastard noble defend their small town from the Church's magic-hunting inquisition? Will your character successfully organize their fellow factory workers against the foremen? Or will your merchant wheel and deal to secure themselves in a world torn apart by new Gods? Play to find out how the revolution fares against the world!

Forged in the Dark games do a really good job of putting your characters into dangerous situations and forcing them to wrestle with both physical trauma and the struggle of keeping yourself emotionally intact. In this game, players must expend resources over a period of time in order to reduce the daily stress of partaking in a revolution. If they don’t have time or resources, that stress will manifest as a Vice, an element of that character’s personality that inhibits their ability to get along with other people.

One thing I really like about this game is that it employs something called a Taste Menu, something similar to Lines & Veils in that it asks players to sit down and discuss what subjects they’d like to explore before diving into play. The author also includes a description of the X Card, which is another excellent tool to use at your table. 

[kalevalakryze]

“Wherever You’re Going, Don’t Leave Me Behind.”

“Spacing out during a conversation while they’re speaking, and needing to regain focus.”

The thing Bo Katan always despised about her title was how much time was spent talking, instead of fighting. At least, when she was younger, when she believed her only gift was destruction and war. When fighting was all she knew how to do, and conversation wasn’t needed to snag a bounty when you could put your fist into their skull.

She was older now though, and understood that fighting, wars, and violence, they didn’t make the mandalorian culture great, it led to their weakness, to their near extinction at the hands on the empire. She thought of Satine often as she grew older, and found herself trying to emulate her ori’vod as she grew with their salvaged home.

Mandalorian’s from across the Galaxy had started to visit in droves, to see if it was true, to pick fights, or to offer aid. Their people were scattered among the stars, in order to ensure survival, but Bo had wanted to ensure they always had a home, a tie back to their roots.

Caverns were turned into conference areas, places were all could gather to discuss next moves within their safe zones, what would be expanded where, jobs that passed along the trade routes that had been established recently.

The room was filled to the brim with many who’d returned from the children of the watch, a handful of bounty hunters also lined the edges of the room. The discussion… wasn’t the best, even with The Armorer present. Bo spoke to the mandalorian’s about their home, about honor, about fixing the wrongs of their past, and still they’d been stubborn, much like the armorer seemed at first.

When a Bounty Hunter, armor decorated in dark greens and browns, a heavy cloak around his shoulder to cover the death watch signet emblazoned in armor too old, passed between father to son. “What makes you think you deserve to rule mandalore? Your blood? Bantha Shit.” The hunter barked out a laugh at his own words, head shaking as he leaned back in his position against the wall.

“You gave up on the thought of retaking our home, if I’m correct. Your family joined the empire up until the Rebellion gained traction, so perhaps leave the judgement of blood out of any challenge you have for me.” The Mand’alor spat back without missing a beat. She’d known his father during her own stint with the Death Watch, a man with no honor, who hid behind his armor like a child.

The conversations continued much in this fashion around her, as children of the watch started to question if The Way even mattered, while the bounty hunters questioned if the planet was even worth saving-

It was… too much, at once, really. If she’d been Satine, or even The Armorer, the situation would have never gotten out of control, but she wasn’t certain of how to handle a situation like this, where her ingrained instincts and fear told her to lash out and fight, create a challenge where one hadn’t been established, prove her worth to people like her: who only believed violence could solve a problem in the way of a true Mandalorian.

Green eyes chose a point on a helmeted warrior’s chestplate, stuck on the way the artificial light in the room plucked out the red paint chips in yellow armor. She’d disassociated the second her own death Watch experiences were announced, had spaced out far enough so she could just get a second to think, in that quiet corner of her mind where she could hear Satine, could try to hear her sisters voice, imagine what she would say to her to help-

A warm hand grabbed her own, and the voice she heard was not the regal tone of her Ori’Vod, but the rich alto of The Armorer “Hey, wherever you’re going, don’t leave me behind.” Her voice was just quiet enough to not pass to the others, but loud enough to break through the spaced out fog.

Blinking, her focus pulled from the chipped armor, focusing on the dark visor, where she knew the Armorer’s eyes were focused on her own. “I’m not going anywhere,” Her voice was low, and her hand squeezed around the fingers that lay in her palm. “How would you…?” Because the Armorer felt like peace, and reassurance, when Bo Katan felt like a blazing inferno of anger and violence, the Armorer always directed her towards making something beautiful.

“You need to get their attention again, do not bring up their past, just as you do not wish yours to be resurfaced. Show them what we can accomplish together, lady Kryze.” The armored provided helpfully, finally allowing her hand to drop from Bo’s, who’d only reached once more before taking a slow, steadying inhale.

“Hey! This is not why we’re here,” her voice rose above all the chatter, projecting that same air of steadiness The Armorer always seemed to lend her way. “We can’t keep fighting, we’ve seen where it leads, to more death and destruction, to an eventuality we can’t recover from. What matters, is each of us is here now, what doesn’t matter, is what paths we walked to get here,”

“We are all Mandalorian, this is our home. This was accomplished because we set aside our differences, we stopped focusing on who was better, because we, as a whole, are stronger together. We can thrive again, but not if everyone is set on the past.” She explained, taking a moment to look past every pair of eyes and each visor.

“Mandalore will never be like it was, we’ve all changed, our planet has changed, and we need to reflect that. That we’ve grown… we’ve had the time to grow, and now we have the room. And we will, I can promise that, today. But we need to agree, here and now, that we’ll set aside our differences, so mandalore can survive.” Her hands flexed at her side, it was easier to punch her way through these situations, but slowly, as heads started to nod, and chatter picked up briefly, she came to the realization that peace was a lot less painful than she’d thought as a teenager.

“This is the way.” Sounded from many in the room, those who did not echo the sentiment, likely hadn’t been raised with the phrase as deeply embedded in their beings like the children of the watch had. Though she’d noticed one or two bounty hunters chime in with the rest.

“If you chose to make a home here, please come see me after you’ve explored the safe zones and have seen the rest of our rebuilding efforts yourselves. You are all free to leave, and are all welcome back whenever you wish.” She promised each mandalorian, as bodies started to file out of the rooms.

After the last slipped from the door, Bo allowed herself to sink into one of the metal chairs towards the center, back slouching as her elbows made a home against her knees. “It doesn’t get easier.” She remarked, fingers pinching the bridge of her nose.

“In time, it will not get easier, but you will learn the best ways to connect and handle our people. We have always been a stubborn group.” The Armorer’s tone was laced with something like amusement as she approached the back of Bo’s seat, hands resting on the woman’s shoulders, to which the redhead immediately leaned back into.

“Where did you go?” She asked after several beats of silence, thumbs pressing into the slip between Bo’s armor and flightsuit, offering a mild relief.

“My sister hasn’t always been as wrong as I wanted to believe,” Bo admitted, head tilting back to stare up at the armorer, back of her head resting against the other woman’s stomach. “I try to think of what she would do, in these situations I don’t know how to handle. She was peaceful. I… never got the hang of it.”

The Armorer had hummed softly in thought, as one hand moved to brush flyaways in Bo’s hair down, smoothing out each strand. “I believe you are more inclined to peace than even you wish to admit. It is a difficult path to walk when one has ran along a path of violence. But I believe you have carved yourself your own way, in between both worlds.” She always seemed to come back to it, which… well Bo wasn’t sure how it made her feel.

It was always a mixture of awe, that someone could look at her and see something great, and that bone deep guilt, dread at having people to disappoint again. Lately though, it made her start to feel more competent with the new world they were walking into together.

“If you start to go, again. Take me with you?” The armorer questioned again, after another long beat of silence. Where the woman had sat and debated the thought before voicing it.

“You’re there more often than you think.” The Mand’alor retorted with a bashful smile, shoulders shrugging because, maybe she should be embarrassed. Admitting that when she needed strength, when her mind would space, she could often hear The Armorer’s voice with her sisters, helping guide her along the way.

“That’s all I ask, then.” The smile was in her voice , with the way her tone dipped higher just a smidge, and the way her helm tilted to the side just a fraction.

“Come on, Koska said she was making Pog soup for everyone. And Axe managed to find a trader who made Uj cake.” Bo pushed herself to her feet, reaching to grab The Armorer’s hand in a way that was becoming more and more familiar, as they left the caverns, only dropping her hand before they stepped into view of their people once more, going to join in festivities of more and more mandalorian’s coming home.

[ofbluesandyellows]

Four: Jitterbug Love - Eddie Munson/Reader

Warning: drinking

Word count: 3,537

Previous chapter

Steve honked two times then waited a second for another honk, the secret code to let you know it was him. You had sat in front of the mirror for a good hour, checking if your hair was right, if your makeup was okay, if your clothes matched with the above.

Steve’s face grew red when you neared the car. He was leaning on the door, arms crossed, his jeans were tight and his hair was extra fluffy.

“What?” you asked, already thinking there was something wrong with you.

“Nothing… just… you look nice.”

“I’m going to take that mostly as a compliment, although the way you said isn’t pretty convincing.”

“It’s a compliment!” Steve yelled, he rolled his eyes and opened the door for you, “just, let’s not fight,”

“Thanks, I was just saying.”

“Me too, but you don’t know how to take compliments.” He closed the door on his side, ready to start the car.

“Whatever, just hurry we still need to get Robin.”

“Right,”

“You look good too.” Steve’s whole demeanor changed, squaring his shoulders, chin up.

“Well, thanks, I put extra spray on and apparently it’s paying off.” He smiled.

You hid a smirk, but Steve was already over explaining to you how he expected to see Nancy at the party and if things went as planned he could finally talk to her and free himself from the Wheeler curse. As he called it.

Robin handed them each a tiny bottle when she got in the car.

“Hello my people! These are vodka shots that I stole from my dad’s hidden spot. Because it’s a special occasion I suggest we make a toast.”

You and Steve traded looks, you shrugged.

“For new beginnings.” Robin started, looking at Steve and you.

“For old-new besties.” you said, smiling.

“Geez, y/n not that again… but yeah for us three.”

“Wait—we are the three musketeers!” You squealed, “Come on now Steve, that is the perfect nickname.”

“I actually like it!” stated Robin, already sipping her shot. She grimaced as if she had squeezed a lemon in her mouth.

Steve seemed to consider it, “Ok, but I’ll be Athos.”

You snorted, “dude at best you are Porthos, Robin is—“

“Aramis, I am Aramis and Y/n is Athos. Now let’s go. I should be back home first thing in the morning, eh Steve?!”

The boy at your side shook his head, “I need more male friends, you two don’t appreciate me enough.”

“Cheers!” Robin said and the three musketeers drank their tiny bottles of vodka.

“Shit!” you blurted, scrunching your nose.

“Fuck!” Steve half choked.

“Damn!” Robin was smiling, her cheeks already red.

The driveway lasted almost twenty minutes, Steve had made the wrong turn twice, because he didn’t want to hear Robin’s instructions. You in the meantime tried to picture how you could approach Eddie, you had no idea if he was actually going to show up as Steve said but you liked to believe he would, with his black ripped jeans and those chunky rings you had found yourself liking a lot. Along with his hair and his eyes, those were aspects of the boy you tried to avoid because it would send you into a loop of thoughts you were not willing to dive in, not at the moment though, maybe later.

Steve walked ahead once he found somewhere to park the car, he looked over his shoulder a few times to check if you and Robin were following him. Robin on her side was already a tad tipsy, she was extra chatty and extra loud, on the other hand you were fully alert, with clammy hands and dried throat.

“You’ll be fine, you just need to enjoy the party, I’ll talk to Munson if we get to find him and… we get the hell out of here.” Steve rubbed his palms together, “trust me, I’ve been wingman before.”

Maybe it was in the way Steve moved, how he was grinning and how oblivious he was about the whole situation, that made you believe him, fully.

“Right, okay yes. You are right, we’ll let you know if we see him first.” You nudged Robin, her eyes dancing around the colorful lights shining inside the house.

“Yup, what she said.”

“We lost one soldier and we haven’t even entered the war zone.” you said.

Steve nodded, “Let's rock and roll, musketeers.”

“That phrase didn’t sound as good as you thought it would, but yeah, let’s go.”

★★★

Of course Harrington was the first one to disappear, people already greeting him, he gave high-fives to everyone. Robin held onto you for dear life, she also smiled and waved to the others. Every time you turned to check on her she had a new cup of punch in her hand, the one you always placed somewhere in the house. You were determined to find the one guy you came for, however the nervousness was brewing slowly but surely in your insides.

“Chrissy is there.” Robin pointed, drinking from a cup.

“Where do you keep getting these! You shouldn’t be accepting them, Robin.” You took it from her grasp.

She made puppy eyes and a pout but you ignored her, your eyes on Chrissy and her pretty hair and her big blue eyes and her sparkly dress. You felt plain compared to her, no idea why you were comparing yourself at that moment when the whole scene was absurd, you holding a half-drank cup of punch, Robin grabbing your left hand and her other playing with her suspenders, both surrounded by drunk teens as some disco music playing in the background.

You were not going to lie, that was the best party you’ve seen in Hawkins, there was actual food and an equal amount of drinks, this was not a common party, this belonged to someone older, you didn’t make the effort to know who but you were thankful to find some sandwiches and baby carrots to feed Robin with, whatever to stop her from getting drunker.

The spot you found where to sit was in the backyard, a cool breeze made you and Robin sigh from time to time, you could see the entrance of the house and still have an eye on Chrissy. The worst part of it all was that she seemed nice, too nice and too cool and too perfect. Of course half Hawkins was looking at her, and that was why you noticed she was actually waiting for someone else, because she didn’t pay much attention to the other boys and girls, yes she was kind and polite but her eyes kept moving everywhere as if she was looking for someone.

And you knew how she felt, you could feel that same sensation of yearning whenever someone came through the hallway, but all that only got confirmed when you two exchanged a look and as soon as that happened, as if a reflector had fallen on him your heads turned to the door. His grin big, nodding to some guys, you saw Jeff and Gareth at his side, beer got handed and your heart started pounding, faster and faster as he got closer.

Like he had been guided outside by a strange force, as if he knew where to go all along. Robin smacked you on the arm, her eyes found yours and she stared and you nodded and she moved her lips like fish did when out of the water. It started slowly, the butterflies awaking, the skin of your arms forming goosebumps, the acuteness of your sight on him and his gestures. His reeboks stepped on the grass, his dark eyes scanned the scene and you waited, and he passed through you.

His lips turned upwards, eyes sparkling, fingers fidgeting with his hair and beer bottle, yet that smile, and that sudden brightness in him was for Chrissy, he was watching her from across the crowd, and you sat there, staring. Robin let out a low ‘oh’ immediately grabbing your hand, lightly squeezing it to get your attention back to her.

“It’s fine, he just hasn’t seen you.”

“He did, Robin. But whatever, let’s get Steve.”

You were the one that dragged her back inside, Jeff was the one that saw you first, he waved and you smiled, not stopping to say hi. The last time you saw Eddie he was approaching Chrissy. Your stomach dropped.

Crossing between people kissing and groups smoking weed, Robin stopped you.

“We should divide, it’ll be faster.”

“Yeah, ok. Sounds reasonable, but no more drinks okay?”

Robin nodded, “of course, this is a serious matter.”

“Cool, see you here in a few, as you were, soldier.” Robin smirked that drunken smile with droopy eyes. She saluted you and disappeared upstairs.

The rainbow-like lights hit you a few times before you decided to move, checking the living room first, but there was no sight of Steve, you asked a guy you saw chatting with him when you got there and he said he saw him following a girl upstairs. You didn’t want to know more.

Still, that was not good news, that boy needed to learn how to be alone for a few weeks, the girl probably was nice and all but Steve deserved a break and someone who appreciated his annoying ass for who he actually was.

You had to swallow down a cup—of you didn’t know what— to keep you from leaving everything and go home, the mission was talking to Eddie but—you looked at him through the glass windows, Chrissy and him had finally found a bit of a dark corner to chat, he smiled and chuckled to whatever she was saying, their bodies too close for your liking, you grabbed another cup and chewed the rim. Tears burned in your eyes but why were you still watching them, it was one of those masochistic things you often did, like coming back to Hawkins when you knew there was not much to do. Going back was a mistake you were sure of.

“Hey!” Steve almost squashed you to the window he had been running. Robin clashed against his back causing Steve to crash on you, the drink smashing between the two. Your shoes got covered in pinkish liquid just like Steve’s shirt.

“Shit!” you and him squealed.

“Robin, what the hell?” He tried to dry the fabric without success.

“Ups, sorry guys, these floors are a bit slippery.” Clearly drunk, you and Steve just watched Robin wobble slightly.

“Keep an eye on her while I go talk to Munson. Where is he?”

“Over there with… Chrissy.” Your hand found Robin’s.

“Don’t move, I'll be right back.”

And so it happened Steve got cut short the moment he got out, girls mostly tried to catch his attention, to which he fake grinned, of course no one noticed because they were with the Steve Harrington, and you knew he was doing his best to try and get off those conversations. He kept throwing looks your way and you would only shrug not knowing what to do to help.

Robin and you looked through the window as if you were watching a film, waiting for a resolution of this issue but it only got crowded and louder out there, they wanted him to do the keg stand.

“Where the fuck did they get that keg? Was it there when we were outside?” You looked at Robin, she was laughing as Steve. “Dude,” you groaned.

“I have no idea but look, I think he is going to do it.” You turned and apparently the whole show had attracted people's attention including Eddie’s.

He approached the crowd and watched as everyone cheered for Steve to do it. You gasped and Robin got her face plastered on the chill surface of the window.

“Shit he is going to actually do it.” You muttered.

“Told you! Maybe this is part of his plan. We underestimated Porthos.”

Of course you underestimated Steve, he had his charm and his way of doing things. He got claimed for drinking from the keg, nothing you all haven’t seen before, what surprised you was how determined he seemed in accomplishing his mission, he had beer running down his neck but he moved around until he found Eddie. You pushed Robin’s face aside so you could see better, yet the crowd was scattering around not letting you see much. Steve’s hair stuck out from the other’s just as Eddie’s black hair did.

They were talking, but nothing seemed different, or intense or relevant to their reactions, just two dudes chatting while holding beers. Steve patted Eddie on the shoulder and Eddie nodded once, both going in opposite directions. Your chest felt so full of anxiousness you had to remind yourself to take big puffs of air to fill your lungs.

Steve met you by the window, but you couldn’t talk there, he leaned his head to the side for you to follow him, you three started to move back to his car. Robin had grabbed a final sandwich and you found a tiny bag of gummy bears. You were running to Steve’s car and once inside, Robin collapsed on the backseat. The ignition roared and the radio played whatever disco mix they put at night.

“So? What did you ask him?” you had no time to lose, if Steve was going to deliver bad news better be fast.

“Right to the point I see…” he waited at a red light, giving you a sharp glance with squinted eyes, examining your face, “good news or bad news first?”

“Bad.”

“He is totally bewitched by Chrissy, sorry y/n.”

“Ok, I guess we already knew that.” This was you trying to soften the emotional kick in the gut.

He moved on green light again, “good thing is that he has some kind of… feeling? Attraction? I really don’t know how to put it but when I asked about him meeting you at his show he beamed like an idiot.”

“Huh?”

“Yeah, like when I do whenever someone brings Nance to the conversation.”

“You just called yourself an idiot?” you knitted your eyebrows together, still smiling.

“I— I guess I did but it was just to explain the reaction, you know the one.” He went and did the beam and the slow fluttery eyelashes. “That”

“That was more scary than beamy, the point is… you really think he feels something? Because what if he was high or drunk.”

“He wasn’t, I know when someone is, look at Robin do you think she is sober? Of course not, but she also has very little alcohol tolerance, it’s embarrassing I need to teach her how to handle her drinks.”

“I completely agree with that. It’s good that she hasn’t vomited… yet.”

“Don’t jinx it! I got the car washed this week.”

Steve’s place was so lonely it made you shiver, you couldn’t imagine how it would be living there alone. Because he was alone most of the time, your chest tightened thinking about Steve, all jolly and confident, popular in town but when he got home he had no one.

Robin practically passed out on the carpet in the living room. She would wake up from time to time to say random things like how much she liked being home with you and Steve, or how much she wished she could have a driver license to go get some burgers.

“So what do we do now, Steve? Eddie invited me to his next show.” you were following him like a lost poppy to the kitchen.

Steve gave you a once over, then started to take stuff out from his fridge. “I guess we can go. But to be honest with you y/n. This is going to be one hell of a mess, for you my friend. Eddie is unpredictable, trust me I know, and he could change his mind or meet another girl, which leaves you out of the equation, and before you say something mean to me, you know it’s true. I’m a guy, I know how his brain works, besides he is a rockstar or is on the way to become one.”

You sighed hopping on the counter, legs swinging as you watched your friend prepare sandwiches, you only pushed the button of the toaster when Steve gave you the signal.

“Then I should just forget about it? I thought you said we should try or find out what could happen.”

Steve put his hands on his hips, butter knife shining between his fingers, the look in his eyes made you want to cry, “I know what I said, but he really has this thing for the cheerleader and I wouldn’t want you leaving Hawkins with a broken heart.”

The nose did that tingly thing that announced tears. You looked up to the popcorn ceiling, but Steve was not stupid.

“No, no, don’t cry. I didn't say it to make you sad. Hey, come here.”

This was a side of Steve you were not used to, you weren’t even aware it existed. His arms hugged you from the waist and you let your head rest on his shoulder, now you were really crying.

“I just don’t know how to stop the feels, how do you even handle this Steve. With the Nancy and Jonathan thing, you are such a masochist.” Your words cracked as you let yourself be held by the one boy you never thought would be this nice.

His chest grumbled, with his humorless laugh, “I don’t handle anything, I just date everyone and hope that one day this shitty heart stops making turns when I see Nance.”

“That sucks ass.” You sniffed, looking at him. He gave you a tight lipped smile.

“It does, worst part is that you get used to it, but the pain you feel stays the same.”

Scrunching your nose you said, “that’s not helping me feel better.”

“Yeah well it’s the truth.”

He went back to the sandwiches, Robin appeared in the doorway a couple of minutes later. The pattern of the carpet mapped on the side of her face.

“Good nap?” you asked, jumping off the counter, wiping your nose with the back of your hand.

“Eat that, Robin.” Steve slid a plate with a sandwich cut in half, triangular shaped. Robin shook her head. “Eat it! I won’t say it again.”

“Oh god you are just like my mom.” She sat down.

You snorted looking at Steve who just took a big breath in. “That’s why I don’t take you to parties Robin, you can’t even handle punch.”

“She had several cups of punch with the shot we did earlier of vodka and who knows what other stuff they put in that. Trust me I drank the pink shit and it was good but super sweet you can’t blame her.” You went to your friend's defense.

“Yeah you can’t blame me, Harrington. And you know I don’t usually drink, like we shouldn’t even be drinking because we are clearly too irresponsible.”

“You are too irresponsible and clearly don’t know how to drink.” Steve pointed, giving a bite to his sandwich.

“Ugh, you know I like y/n more than you, right? She understands me.”

“Now you are acting like a kid, Robin.”

“And you are being annoying.”

“Come on Robin, let’s eat peacefully, I need both of you now that my heart is mourning.” You tried to end the argument, they acted more like an old married couple than anyone.

“Fine,” She replied, eating. Steve just gave you an apologetic look. “Wait—why mourning? aren’t we supposed to see what the next step should be?”

“Nope, I’m throwing the towel, the Eddie thing isn’t going to happen so why make it more painful.” Your eyes were glued to your plate not daring to look at Robin, because you knew how she could be.

“But—what did Eddie say… Steve?”

From the corner of your eye Steve brushed his face with his hands. “He is really into this Chrissy girl, but I told y/n that he kind of beamed when I mentioned her meeting him after his show.”

“So that’s good,”

“Er, I don’t think so.”

“It is good, we can’t give up now that we at least have a hint. We can go to his upcoming show and do something, it’ll be fine.”

“Robin—“ Steve said in a way to warn the girl, to choose wisely her next words.

On your side you were confused on what to do, because you experienced first hand how you felt about Eddie at the party but you also explored the awful sensation of fear and heartache in a span of a few minutes.

“Y/n?” Robin said.

“What?” you finally looked at her, blinking.

“We could try just something else,”

“Like what? Just please don’t make it humiliating for me or else I’ll never come back.” You threatened.

“It’s all Robin’s idea, I swear I have nothing to do with how evil she is.” Steve’s hands were up.

Rolling your eyes you looked at Robin, who with a smirk explained part of her plan.

Next chapter

[evelyne-am]

22nd March 2023

Day 9

I’m still slacking and to my horror others are struggling too here and there. Most of the cast is finding it tough to remember the new cues and lines and line distributions. We spent two hours on the first five lines today barely getting through the act one. Director is understandably furious. We got a proper yelling because we are just stumbling at every line. He reminds us we haven't even done the first two pages and we have 58 left. The song we open with is the one I made and I havent locked it, so we keep making mistakes on that first opening scene for over an hour.

I feel very angry with myself, even though my lackings are in a different place than others, M is correct when she says that we still haven’t jumped in fully. I wonder if I should stop writing the blog, it makes me feel like I’m still an outsider because I’m writing about it. But I also don’t want to stop because our director is really something and I would like to remember how I have been learning, how he is directing, and also these heightened emotions that I feel that may inspire me later. I already feel myself changing, my tolerance for inefficiency in my own teams is lowering. Even though I’m doing the same thing. Get to 100 percent AM!

We are on the 3rd version now. Originally we had thought it would be each person reads one part and is M1/M2/M3 turn by turn. 2nd version we played her at the same time, line by line like we are one person. Today's version seems final. There is only one M1/M2- though everyone else has dialogue its in 3rd person now. Sir seems to have picked M1/M2 as Sharm and Srab. They've played it the second day in a row. Sharm is doing super it I have to say. She’s the most experienced of the lot except M. shes able to stay in the zone and concentrate. We are working on act one which is basically pre 71, happisg times. I realise that we haven’t cried in a few sags. The first 6 to 7 days I was crying in rehearsal every day as we were learning the script. But as we are only figuring out the intros and beginning sequences none of it has been of the war of the crimes south so it’s very sort of mild. Md says that now we are forgetting the person who is actually telling the story. She is so right after rehearsal we are all feeling a bit down because I didn’t go well, I don’t blame the director for saying that he is going to see this for one more week before deciding if we will go through or not. Even though I know there’s a lot of preparation, the actual booking of the theatre, budgets, everything else is being done, so if you want to cancel you still can. After the rehearsal M calls me aside and says we need to fix that opening sequence, I’m very shame at least say yes let’s do it. She says come to our meeting tonight. I had plans to join the gym today because at this point I realise that we are no longer doing our morning exercise as we come in and go straight into the rehearsing of the play and I gained weight in the first nine days of rehearsals I’ve gained about 2 lb in any case postcode with my hunger is through the roof, stress from recent projects and personal stuff my hunger is through the roof, and though I still try to walk a little bit it’s not every day anymore like it used to be still only a few days week. also I missed the gym I haven’t been for over six months I used to love it so much. My plans though are now canceled. I go home and take a 20 minute nap and then I rush off to the meeting. Traffic is absolutely insane and I abandon my car and get a bike and thanks to a really nice bike I reach exactly at 7:29 when I am supposed to start the music work at 7:30. The meeting is in someone’s house, one of the core members of the group. I the first time see everyone in a more relaxed situation. The entire living room is split up the keyboard is kept open for me on one side on the other side people are making dinner on the other side the entire floor plan is being made with things draw been drawn to scale. The director seems to be in a better mood and everyone is figuring out logistics and planning things et cetera et cetera. everyone looks really nice they’re all dressed up in their normal clothes.

Did I ever mention that we have a sort of outfit that we wear ?. It’s T-shirts and pants that are not too loose or too tight; this is why you see me in a different T-shirt every day that is the actual uniform for rehearsal as it’s the one that is most flexible for all of our physical work. I’m the only one who still wearing my T-shirt and sweat pants. M is dressed in a sari and she keeps covering her head and I asked her why and she says that ever since the start of the play she dresses as a birangona at home. I have been considering doing a few things to keep the essence of the play with me when I go home, and I wonder if I can do the same or not I don’t know yet. I’ve considered giving up some of my favourite things to eat to do, just to channel a bit of the story is a bit more but A part of me realises that I might be best used to do the musical aspects then being a novice actor on stage, and the fact that I am in a Inner Circle meeting doing the structures for the music means that that’s also what everyone else is thinking. this is the first time that it is acknowledged at all in these circumstances that I have a sort of following all my own identity as a media person. Reference being we are trying to calculate how many shares to do how many tickets need to be sold how many tickets can be sold at certain prices and The host jokes that oh don’t worry Armeen will bring her own crowd. I have no idea if that’s true I know my friends would come. Overall it’s very light and jolly situation however once we wrap up our introductory song so I remind Sir that there is a second one to do and I actually feel like giving him ideas. I try to do a rap like spoken word piece and Azhar sort of points out doesn’t go. So I sort of give up for the day, I don’t know why I give up so easily these days. I don’t have a push sometimes when I don’t get my first brilliant idea naturally I give up very easily. The first song that I made for the intro it was literally the first thing that came out of my mind and it was based on a bunch of chords that I know that are good. The second song is different it’s not a soft song so not in my genre and obviously I am struggling with it and I just give up. but I admit it was nice to see The director a bit more relaxed; they all joke about each other and their romantic partners even Sir teases M, I’m a bit embarrassed so I just smile and sit in the corner. Our host is really sweet though she is evidently someone who has seen a lot of my work already and both the host chat with me a little bit. It feels weird to have references to my non-theatre life in theatre mode.

I’m struggling to fix my sleep schedule, when I go home it’s already pretty late, but I have my own things to do thoughts to have that I cannot ignore, I wish we were there were more days in the air, or more hours on the day that I could use to spend a little bit of time just thinking and also bloody apartment I don’t even have an AC right now and it’s getting really hot and I haven’t had the time to actually buy an AC and get it installed. Also I am dying to just organise my bookshelf it’s the first thing you see you when you enter my flat but despite the fact that I’ve had all the books nicely done I still do not have even 10 minutes to put the books in the order that I want to. I’m up till 2 am again with my own stuff. I haven’t memorised M2 either, I won’t say that I’m not enjoying being part of the music but I do realise it might lower my chances of getting any proper lines.

Oh God after disastrous rehearsal day I am a bit more relieved to see that the play is still being planned, they have decided to lower the number of shows from 25 to 19. M says it’s only physically durable to do the maximum 19 shows in a row. I have performed many many days in a row but never 19 shows I’m actually deeply looking forward to those 19 inches. Your girl hasn’t been on stage in awhile and it’s coming through.

[bisluthq]

Q when someone is interested in u how much do they txt you? I had thing this thing w someone for few months.. We talked everyday. Then got dropped after they ran after someone else… yet they came back to me. Big important notice here we didn’t meet in person yet but will be. They have said many times they want to meet me/see where things go w me, constant watch my snap stories… if I snap msg them they do always respond … they just don’t txt me anymore and rarely initiate… do I just…. Ghost? Or wait till November to meet them? Which they said that’s fine and will wait to meet me then? I always have anxiety thinking they don’t actually like me even tho they reassured me few times to the point of them getting sick of it or annoyed …

I think it’s super dependent on the person and your dynamic. My bf and I don’t text much. We were friends for a while before dating and never really texted much beyond like sending each other memes or B2B/trade film articles and when we started dating sometimes we’d go a few days not talking. It bothered me at first because it was the first time I was dating someone I didn’t speak to every day like I was legit bothered by it and thought he didn’t want to take it seriously lol because we could go multiple days not talking or like one meme each kinda thing and I was like clearly he doesn’t really give a shit which is fine like we’ve all had situationships and whatnot like that’s ok idc but then he’d phone me and ask to meet up and we’d spend like a week together and I’d be like “I need to go home” and he’d be like “seriously????” or like we’d spend an hour on the phone if one of us was traveling for work and I was like “what the fuck does this all even mean???”

Anyway I wound up talking to my bestie about it (actually the friend he’s now a bit weird about because her and I did fuck and I didn’t disclose) and she was saying like her and I can go a couple months not speaking to one another but if we ever need each other we pick up the phone and we’ll do holidays and stuff together and if our families come to town we do stuff all together like we’re VERY close but yup she’s right we do go 2 months at a time with no communication beyond insta story likes. So she said that and I was like “that’s actually true and you’re like the love of my life and this is some random dude so why am I even stressing” and idk I’ve just accepted he’s not big into texting. We live together so I see him every day lol but when we travel we’ll talk probably every second day and send like a meme a day to make sure we’re both still alive. (Pertinent because I’ve traveled into a war zone while we’ve been together fucking Slava Ukrayine but yeah I went lol as I should and he stayed like as he should and I did send memes to make sure he knew I have not been drafted or killed like once a day maybe and we spoke every couple of days and he kept being like “what’re the sirens?” and I was like “‘nah it’s the Russians but don’t stress if i go down it’s in my flat not in the weird basement situation no one is in” - idk if it’s all Ukrainians btw but Odessa people are weird as shit lol? What’s wrong with us?? Anyway.

I think given you’ve not met in person though there’s a different dynamic there. My only long distance experience was ummm how do I say this ummm not good lol so I think if the vibe is fading just via text/talking like let the person go. But like maybe when you’re in the same place and you do get to meet up that might be cool idk your life.

[julesmartin]

Reflection #1

All the Pulitzer Center speakers made me think more deeply about both how and why we interview people who have experienced or live in particularly traumatic situations. If there’s anything I learned from this hour long video, it's that it's essential for journalists to build that bond with their sources in order to get the most meaningful story, and also to create a space where the person feels comfortable sharing their account. 

The video made me realize that I’ve never been in a situation where my source is coming from an extremely traumatic situation, such as being a victim of violence in war or sexually abused and so on. However, even if my end goal doesn't entail reporting in these war zones where I’m putting my life at risk, some of the methods that these journalists use to build trust with their source is still transferable to even the stories I do here at Elon. I feel that I’ve always been able to establish a relationship with my sources and make them comfortable enough to talk to me about their story; however, there’s clearly still a lot I didn’t know based on this video. I feel that I’m good at establishing trust with the majority of people I talk to, but these journalists pose additional methods to use when interacting with people of different cultures and backgrounds. It goes to show that there’s so many more aspects to journalism other than just writing or taping a story. You also need common sense and people skills in every single story you tell, and it's essential in creating a good and meaningful story.

In the future, when I show up to a site where I’m filming both interviews and b-roll, I want to avoid taking my camera out right away. One of the Pultizer grantees spoke about how the camera can be intimidating, and it can create a barrier between the reporter and the source when trying to create that trust. Another tactic I want to implement in all of my interviews is doing more research on my topic and source before meeting them. The journalists in the video make it clear that it’s essential to learn all aspects of, in their case, one’s culture, which can help one pose questions in a specific way and how to develop different kinds of questions. Personally, I think this is something that I’ve always struggled with. I often have a list of more surface level questions without doing further research on the source, and the additional research can open up the door for more meaningful conversations.

The video also made me think about the relationship between journalists and their editor, or journalists and their newspaper or network that they’re writing for. A number of times, the journalists in the video made it clear that when producing stories in these more vulnerable conditions, far away from home, only the journalist knows exactly what it was like to live and breathe in that energy, not the editor. Sometimes you must sacrifice your relationship with your editor if it’s for the safety of the source by not asking them certain questions. This is something that I want to keep in mind going forward in my journalism career, and it also goes to show that any story seems to have the potential to be changed by someone at a higher level than you, which is tough to grasp.

Lastly, one of the parts that I really connected with throughout this video is the mental health of journalists, and how important it is to take care of yourself when immersing yourself in these traumatizing situations. I never really thought about needing to preserve my own mental health when going into the journalism industry, but based on what these experienced journalists said, I will definitely be keeping that part in mind when looking for jobs and working in a high-stress news environment. I also reflected on the fact that I never want to be a journalist who goes and captures these kinds of stories in life threatening situations. I think that it’s essential to report on victims of violence, but I don’t think I’m someone who’s built to report on those situations. However, all of the building trust tactics that they talk about are essential for anyone, no matter what story you’re working on.

[themovieblogonline]

The Best Plane Movie You'll See This Month

PLANE is a great date movie option that you should absolutely consider if you're weighing your options.  In the white-knuckle action movie PLANE, pilot Brodie Torrance (Gerard Butler) saves his passengers from a lightning strike by making a risky landing on a war-torn island - only to find that surviving the landing was just the beginning. When most of the passengers are taken hostage by dangerous rebels, the only person Torrance can count on for help is Louis Gaspare (Mike Colter), an accused murderer who was being transported by the FBI. In order to rescue the passengers, Torrance will need Gaspare’s help, and will learn there’s more to Gaspare than meets the eye. https://youtu.be/-2rLRg1skRs THE GOOD I think this movie seems perfect for streaming. Plane is a film with a simple title and premise that would seem at home as a Netflix original. The movie is getting its chance to shine in theaters in a typically quiet January season. Plane is a movie that thrusts you into a story with our heroes flying into an increasingly dangerous situation. The stakes increase quickly as the movie races back and forth between suspenseful circumstances and heart-pumping action. Gerard Butler calmly navigates us through a crash landing that seems way too scarily plausible. I felt Twighlight Zone vibes watching the inevitability of the situation as Brodie calmly navigated the plane through a crash landing. Gerard Butler isn't presented as Rambo and he's not plowing over these dudes in this jungle. this is someone trying their best to fake it til they make it and live. He then leads us to the highlight of the action which is a decent fight in the jungle halfway through the movie proving Gerard Butler still is still a natural when it's time to do an action scene. Plane is breathtaking with the movie moving at a fast pace quickly diving into danger. Gerard Butler and Mike Colter are an odd couple that works around each better than they do alone. The movie quickly shows us each of their strengths and wisely moves the movie quickly for them to showcase what they can do. Mike Colter's Louis Gaspare is fun, charismatic, and can speak french! Gerard's character Brodie Torrance is quiet, cautious, and calculating. They complement each other well for this movie so I really like their casting for this fun movie. THE BAD I can't tell you who the bad guy is in this movie. Actually, I can, it's this guy who plays Junmar.  I can't tell you much about his character or his motive resulting in his character feeling like pure plot convenience. He is a pirate in need of hostages and hostages conveniently crash land in his backyard. Junmar is evidence that Plane is not clear on what kind of story it wants to tell. Plane flirts with being both an action movie and a suspense movie without fully committing to either and it shows. There are a lot of plot conveniences that save our heroes at the last minute that remove the sense of danger. The plane landing is miraculous enough but it's surreal when the crash survivors are able to find food and construct shelter for themselves with relative ease. I think Mike Colter's Louis Gaspare deserves more character expansion and development. Louis periodically shares a sentence here and there about himself but we're not shown very much at all. I think Mike Colter performs well. My issue is that the writing does his character a disservice. Louis Gaspare has a severe lack of character development and we don't learn his true motivation. Louis is mostly presented as a weapon that Brodie uses to kill soldiers that he is unwilling to kill himself. Overall PLANE may look like it's made for streaming but it's a fun movie to watch in a big loud theater. The action and performances are all great even though the plot and writing leave much to be desired. PLANE may not be an award contender but is entertaining enough to make it a worthy option for a date night at the theater. Read the full article

[jadedstar2]

Some powerful quotes from the book, “The Body Keeps The Score”:

“…our capacity to destroy one another is matched by our capacity to heal one another.”

“As we now know, war is not the only calamity that leaves human lives in ruins…Each year about three million children in the United States are reported as victims of child abuse and neglect. One million of these cases are serious and credible enough to force local child protective services or the courts to take action. In other words, for every soldier who serves in a war zone abroad, there are ten children who are endangered in their own homes…It is very difficult for growing children to recover when the source of terror pain is not enemy combatants but their own caretakers.”

And, in referencing the Rorschach tests which were performed on several groups of traumatized peoples, it was discovered that trauma affects one’s ability to use imagination.

“ Imagination is absolutely critical to the quality of our lives. Our imagination enables us to leave our routine every day existence by fantasizing about travel, sex, falling in love, or having the last word - all the things that make life interesting.  Imagination gives us the opportunity to envision new possibilities - It is an essential launchpad for making our hopes come true. It fires our creativity, relieves our boredom, alleviates our pain, enhances our pleasure, and enriches our most intimate relationships…Without imagination there is no hope, no chance to envision a better future, no place to go, no goal to reach.”

In layman’s words, one cannot begin to think of what they WANT, (vs. NEED), because they are either still stuck in their past traumas, or they are CURRENTLY, STILL living in an unsafe environment that deprives them of the safety that is needed PRIOR to BEGINNING to heal their trauma.

When you are stuck in trauma/traumatizing situations, your brain literally is UNABLE to utilize imagination, to hope, to dream. How can anyone accomplish such a feat when they are hyper-focused on just getting their basic human needs met, or even trying to merely stay alive. It’s actually quite a simple and utterly non-complex notion.

PTSD is a physical wound. The brain is literally broken. It’s not just “poor mental health.” Only ignorant people are so blasé about the seriousness of the condition. And, from my experience anyways, the twisted fact is that it is CHOSEN ignorance. Usually because it is beneficial to them to dismiss it. But that’s another topic entirely.

The very sad truth is, oftentimes, one person is unable to hope or want simply because another person has forced their own WANTS to superimpose the other’s NEEDS. Hardly seems fair, right?

One way I have personally tried to describe the quoted paragraph above, (granted, this was prior to reading this book, so now it makes all the more sense to me), is this:

I am treading water. I’ve been treading water. For years. During storms, in the face of tidal waves, even in the short-lived periods of calm in between, I am always treading water. Trying to keep my head above the water. Trying to survive. I rarely found the time, let alone energy, to consider, “Which direction would I swim in if i was gifted with a long-enough duration of calm? Where would I even go? And what if I go in the wrong direction?” And even then, as I type this out for the first time, I recognize that my brain was still locked in survival mode, when I would try to see past the idea of endless treading. “What if I don’t go in the right direction” really meant “What if I use my last ounces of remaining stamina to head SOMEWHERE, and then I never find a shoreline? Then I’m dead anyways.”

There were never thoughts of, “when I get to shore…”

There were never thoughts like, “I can’t wait to finally reach my island destination and lay out in the sun.”

When people tell me I should start thinking about what I want to do next, now that I’ve “escaped”, my brain feels like it’s hitting a cement wall. What do you mean, what I want? I still don’t have enough money for food, I’m still waiting on disability, and even once I get it, it’s less than minimum wage, and I still have all these medical bills.”

Escaping life or death is often just a “leveling” up of sorts, and then it’s on to the next “level”, progressively getting harder, just like any video game, but also with a steady progression of growing fatigue and waning hope. And there are no magical Stamina potions here.