#I don’t have to be unhappy at my current job I can make the conscious decision to try to become happier

[coastalhorrors]

I AM ALLOWED TO MAKE STUPID AND IMPULSIVE DECISIONS SOMETIMES I AM A HUMAN BEING WHO IS ALLOWED TO TAKE RISKS AND MAKE MISTAKES IT IS POSSIBLE FOR ME TO RECOVER FROM FAILURE THIS WILL NOT KEEP ME DOWN I WILL CONTINUE TO LIVE AND TO MAKE THE MOST OF MY LIFE AND FIGURE OUT WHO I AM IN THE PROCESS

[alyjojo]

November 😶‍🌫️ 2023 Monthly - Capricorn

Whole of your energy: The Hanged Man rev

In your meditation, your glyph ♑️ was on the door, the little circle turned into a Scorpion 🦂 tail trying to sting me. May or may not resonate, could be dealing with a Sco. I whacked it hard with a book I was holding, and it cried and went back into its spot, like it never happened. Inside the door was the same loooong stairway I always see, starting at the top with bright illumination, so bright it hurt my eyes to look anywhere but the stairs. It went down, a long long way, and about midway down it was just getting darker, colder, the air was heavier. There was a clear barrier, I couldn’t go down any further, and I didn’t want to. That’s where you were, I couldn’t reach you.

The Hanged Man in rev can mean several things, in this case it seems to be about an impending ego death, because a decision you’ve deliberated on has been made for you. You’ve missed the boat in some way, and while there is a feeling of freedom that comes with it, not having to make the decision at all, it’s like you’re unhappy because it’s not what you want. But you never decided what you want, and part of this is maybe considering that had you even gotten what “you want”, would you have even wanted that? Or this instead? It feels like no decision would’ve *felt* right, but I’m not sure if you’re conscious of that yet.

What’s going on in November:

2 Pentacles:

You’ve gone back and forth weighing your options about something, while you have options to weigh. You were considering releasing whatever is being released now, it’s not really news to you. I think it’s more that the decision wasn’t yours that bothers you. For some, you could be losing money because you didn’t save up for something or didn’t act when you needed to. This doesn’t have to be as serious as it sounds, you could’ve seen something on sale at the store for 75% off and then the next week yours actually breaks and when you need it, it’s full price *and then* some. Go figure right? In other cases this could be a working relationship with someone valuable, helpful, and an opportunity they’ve offered is what you’re letting slip because you’re just not sure how to act, or what to do about it. If it’s already occurred, then you’re deliberating how to respond to this change, which may be unexpected. I’m not sure you have a choice.

The Chariot:

I heard “it’s moving on without you”, whatever that is. Possibly a job opportunity, that’s what I’m getting most from this whole reading. Could be a current job, if you’re losing a job, with 10 Swords in the last row, but that’s not for everyone…hopefully it’s not for anyone 💯 It’s like you’re scrambling to pull things together and reconcile a separation of some kind after a decision has been made, but I don’t see it working out. These could be car repairs costing you quite a bit of money. Things put off now stopping you when you need to take action. If you have two cars, you could be needing to make it work with one, or even using public transportation, which means rescheduling and maneuvering around both of your everything’s in order to make that happen. Or allowing for way more time waiting around. Could be the same or a similar situation with a job as well.

5 Pentacles:

This is a card of feeling left out in the cold, left behind (which is what I heard with The Chariot), abandonment and debt. There are a lot of very sad, emotional, even betrayed emotions that come along with this. You could be losing a lot of money, or money you were relying on, and it’s like you feel completely trapped and powerless to do anything about it now. Say you had a temporary job, and you knew that, you may have browsed several days for jobs but ultimately acted uninterested and didn’t go for any of them. Then something happens, you need one now, and the pickins are slimmer than they even were the first time around. Divorce is possible, job loss is possible, I’m not wishing any of that on anyone - if it doesn’t sound like you just leave it lie. Could be a large purchase, debt, or repair you didn’t intend on or save up for. By the time you realize the hole that’s been dug in some sense, it feels too deep to climb out of on your own, and it could be the “help” that’s fleeting too. Could definitely be dealing with a Sco or have that in your chart, the readings are very similar in ways, yours being more material.

Queen of Cups rev:

Having to leave a situation behind has you in an extremely emotional, possibly even hysterical state. Could be someone else too. It feels like a dream of some kind is being crushed. The energy is really heavy, just like the meditation, some are going to resonate with the deeper versions of the read, and some are just losing their shit over…you thought you could work out a payment plan for several months and need the whole amount TODAY, which could show needing to leave behind some intention or goal altogether, because you just can’t do it, handle it, afford it. If not a dream, you’re just trying to remain positive no matter the circumstances, which are very difficult for you no matter which area of life this regards.

10 Swords & 6 Swords:

You feel betrayed, this ending seems unexpected, there’s nothing you can do about it, except to move on to calmer waters. All you want is to remain positive, balanced, keeping your head on straight, and that’s going to be hard for you to do right now because you just feel out of control & out of your element. There is a bit of feeling sorry for yourself, and in some cases that’s completely justified, I can’t even blame you for feeling emotional. You’re losing something you had that made you feel stable, and a Capricorn that doesn’t feel stable is a very unhappy & burdened person. For now anyway.

Advice because I can’t just leave it like that:

The Emperor & 4 Wands. Could be a parent and needing to move in with them, probably because of financial reasons. It feels like you needing to take charge and be the decision maker for your own stability, or family, however that applies to your situation. It’s like “quit feeling sorry for yourself and do something”, which is something I don’t even say. Like that’s rude Spirit. I have faith they know what they’re doing, they always do. If a house is in trouble, fix it. If it’s a relationship, do whatever is required. If it’s job, find one. I don’t feel like you’d be getting tough love for no reason, it doesn’t usually come out like this. Maybe that’s how you operate idk. It’s within your control to do something, that’s fair to say. There is a small group of Caps that are dealing with something very painful that don’t apply to the tough love group, that are having to make the best of a very difficult situation…and there is a level of self-awareness with that, that you didn’t want to see, you tried not to. You didn’t make whatever decision - got you here, but you can & need to keep moving forward, if there’s a lesson here it’s that. Don’t give your power away, or if you do, don’t be mad where you go when other people are driving the boat. Sheesh 🤦‍♀️ Caps are out there like “harder Daddy”, why are you like this? That’s not me, idgaf what you do or don’t, with love ❤️

8888 is here as either news you’re hearing or messages you’re getting that make you feel powerless, needing to take fast action regarding something you’ve acted like your hands are tied with but they really aren’t. Maybe not getting a message at all, that’s possible, or being blocked if a relationship is involved. Moving towards a dream, away from one, or towards healing & a more positive mindset/situation in any case. 8’s are taking action. Now is not the time to be stuck in your head.

Signs you may be dealing with:

Cancer, Capricorn, Sagittarius, Pisces, Gemini & Aquarius

Oracles: ✨

10 Burden 🫠

Many times we take on the stress of those we love and care for. We see it as the ultimate sacrifice. We take on others’ burden to save them the trouble or heartache. Ironically, the way energy and the universe work makes this a very counterproductive way of operating. When we take on the burdens of others, we deny them the ability to learn and grow from their own lessons. We also interfere with divine planning and timing. Never one to be thwarted - any lessons circumvented will absolutely reappear - sometimes with much more force than what was originally intended.

Ask yourself if you or another is taking on troubles and lessons not belonging to them out of a need to be needed. This stems from the fear that you (or they) are fundamentally not enough. This is not true, you are created perfect. Your fears and doubts keep you separated from this truth. This is the separation one can feel from Spirit. Once you accept and believe you are perfect and worthy, the tendency to make yourself invaluable to others through your help and assistance will go away. Your relationships can then be based on truth and not manipulation.

We enter into November as:

Emaciated Periwinkle ⚖️:

“I must create before the opportunity disappears.”

This card is a good indication that something is out of balance in your life. You may be too focused in one area and therefore neglecting another. Change takes place in proper time. Slow down. With balance we gain the love and support we need to take risks. Periwinkle is also an indication you need to look at your eating habits. This could be a plea from your body to take better care of yourself. This can also point out workaholism or any compulsive behavior that has you feeling out of whack. Is there a part of your life that needs serious attention from you? This card wishes to remind you that...you take you wherever you go.

What is to be learned in November:

Rose Without Thorns 🌹:

“It is time to face my true feelings.”

You are most fortunate. As we mature, we learn that to enjoy the beauty of a rose, we must occasionally risk getting pricked by a thorn. You are not facing “the same situation”, this is the dawn of feelings being awakened and a new truth being born. You’re being presented with a different way to live. Trust you will know what to do. Stay open. Time changes us all if we’re lucky, it’s time to surrender and make the change. The best incentive to change is often love.

Red may be a lucky color ❤️

[ladyofluxure]

Leveling up: Step 1

• Solve my unhealthy relationship with food & lose weight

Hello, girls! I am a companion and an SB. I’ve been in the business for a little over a year and the money is good. I’ve saved up more than I ever thought could’ve been possible in this last year. I love my life but I know very well that it could be WAYYY better if I decided to seriously dedicate myself into changing from the inside out.

The biggest issue that I currently have right now is my weight. I have a bad relationship with food and I tend to eat A LOT when I’m not hungry and not the healthy stuff. The consequence of that poor behaviour is that I am obese. I am well built and carry most of my weight in my ass, thighs, hips and boobs.. but I still don’t feel good about myself and I feel like it’s just getting worse.

I’ve lost weight in the past but always ended up gaining it back. That being said, when I lost the weight, I’d always feel better about myself and look extremely alluring. Thus, my desire to get back in shape.. also, I know damn well I’ll make way more money afterwards hihi

My Goal #1 is to have a normal relationship with food - eat when I’m hungry and not think about it when I’m not - and as a result, LOSE WEIGHT!

How? I’ve done so many diets and workout plans that were not sustainable for me. Right now, I just want to embrace a new lifestyle and do things that I actually enjoy and know that I will be able to keep up for the long run.

First of all, I know that I have to change my way of thinking around food and all the beliefs that I have about myself. I decided to hire a life coach/therapist who specializes in relationship with food to help me with my limiting beliefs and toxic thoughts regarding food and myself - I will be starting my session with her in October 3rd for a total duration of 10 weeks!

Secondly, I definitely have to make it a habit to be active daily. Not necessarily workout in the gym until I’m about to pass out but just to make sure that I get my body moving on a daily basis - ex: long walks, dancing, yoga, etc. With how out of shape I currently am, my goal for right now is to do daily walks of 30 minutes to 2 hours.

Of course, I have to start paying more attention to the quality, the quantity and the frequency of what I eat. I tour a lot because of my job so I order in more than I wish but that being said, I could still order a salad or something healthier than pizza and Chinese takeout.. Also, I was fat before I even started touring as a companion so it’s not even an excuse. Many girls travel the world and don’t gain a pound. I just need to follow my hunger cues and stop eating when I’m not hungry. Especially snacking at night. My goal is to make sure to eat fruits/veggies every day and to cut out refined sugar - chocolate is where I lose control.

The book:

I read « The Obesity Code » by Jason Fung and it was a great book to understand how insulin plays a huge role when it comes to losing/gaining weight. The key notes to weight loss are basically:

- Fasting is very important

- Reduce your consumption of added sugars (replace them with fruits, dark chocolate 70%+)

- Reduce your consumption of refined sugar and grains (flour & refined grains)

- Moderate your protein intake

- Increase your consumption of natural fats

- Increase your consumption of fiber and vinegar

To summarize this post:

My #1 priority right now is to take care of my mental & physical health so that I can lose the weight that is currently making me extremely unhappy and self-conscious.

To do so, I hired a life coach and will start sessions with her so that I can learn how to cope with my feelings other than to eat my heart out.

On top of that emotion/mental journey, I am also dedicated to a healthier lifestyle which will consist of intermittent fasting, reducing my consumption of refined sugar, eat more greens and be more active on a daily basis❤️

Stats

Height - 165CM/5’5 

BMI - 35

My weight on September 16, 2022: 96.25KG/ 212.19lbs

My current thoughts 💭:

Identity change that I am adopting

- I am a woman who only eats when she is hungry and stops as soon as she is no longer hungry

- I am a woman who is athletic (exercise daily)

- I am a woman who takes care of herself (daily hygiene routine, good sleeping pattern, grooming)

What plan I will be following for the next month:

1) Intermittent fasting - Follow hunger cues and only eat when hungry + no food after 8PM unless going out

2) Reduce consumption of refined sugar and replace it with fruits + reduce consumption of refined grains

3) Daily exercise - long walks or gym

4) Drink lots of water and green tea 🍵 💧

My goal for October 16, 2022 is to weigh 90KG.

*I will be doing a monthly update and let you guys know how I’ve been doing for the past month to keep myself accountable xx

[bitch-for-bo]

His Destined Miracle (Asahi Azumane x Chubby Reader) (omegaverse)

POST timeskip

Asahi had been in love with you practically since the first time he saw you. He'd find himself taking walks around the office just to catch sight of your beautiful face and sunny, warm demeanor. He always wanted to approach you, but he'd never had the courage. All he could do was hope that he encountered a miracle. Going into a rut during a day that office was NOT a miracle to Asahi. In fact, it was one of his worst nightmares, but when you show up on his doorstep, looking like an angel from heaven, he realizes that miracles come in all different ways... and that you were his destined miracle.

ABSOLUTELY NO MINORS ALLOWED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Hey Y/N can you run these copies to the boss’s office, I have to go to the bathroom or I think I might die!!” One of your over-dramatic coworkers asked as they practically threw a stack of papers at you. They were shifting back and forth, their knees knocked as they hopped around in a little bathroom ‘dance’

“Yeah, it’s no biggie.” You replied, giggling quietly to yourself as they hobbled/ran quickly towards the restrooms.

You looked down at the stack of papers in your hands, admiring the brilliant pieces of art on each page. The boss would be very happy with these. Of course, if he was unhappy with them, he wouldn’t tell anyone, the boss was the type who if he didn’t like what he saw, he would improve it and then deny all credit. Some in the office called him a pushover, but you thought that it was sweet that he did that.

You stood from your cubicle and began to walk to the bosses office, it was on the other side of the floor but you had already been planning on getting up to stretch your legs out soon anyway, so it had worked out.

You strolled through the office, not in any particular rush to get to the boss’s office. You greeted people that you passed, you knew everyone on your floor by name and you knew at least one fact about them, if they had pets or kids, what their hobbies were. You did this so that you’d never run into someone and not be able to ask them a question about their personal life, this ‘technique’ is what had made you so popular around the office, every time you would talk to someone, they would walk away with a smile on their face.

Your naturally sunny demeanor had always been your redeeming trait. When you were young, kids would mercilessly bully you. The names they would call you, ‘fatty’ or ‘ugly cow’ along with the treatment you received for being an omega was enough to tear a young you apart. You had started being overly nice to people to make up for all of your shortcomings, you found that if you were constantly sucking up to them and making them feel better about themselves, they wouldn’t hurt you.

Unfortunately, this had led to you not only being incredibly insecure with very low self-esteem, but also a doormat for people to walk all over. You were always doing people favors, getting them coffees, paying for their snacks at vending machines, even doing their work for them. Your friends would tell you to stick up for yourselves, they would even tell people off if they treated you poorly in front of them. They had begun to practically beg you to start saying no to people, but you didn’t mind being a bit of a push-over. After all, you still thought of yourself as a worthless, fat, omega cow that couldn’t do anything right and if you could be useful to someone, even if it meant staying an extra hour to file their paperwork for them, it was worth it.

You frowned at the memories as you walked, catching sight of yourself in the large windows that overlooked the beautiful city outside. You winced. Even though your friends were constantly telling you that you were beautiful inside and out, it was still hard to look at yourself in the mirror. All of the traumatic events of your childhood had really affected you. It was almost impossible for you to look at yourself and not despise the person you saw.

You arrived at the boss’s office, giving a light knock on the closed door.

“Come in please.” You heard the soft voice call from inside. You twisted the knob, opened the door, and entered the room, gasping at the sight before you.

Hundreds of designs were strewn across the floor, tacked to the walls, and pulled up on the computer monitor, and in the middle of it all sat a six-foot-two alpha who was currently smiling shyly up at you, his hand rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment of the mess.

“Hel-”

He stopped, his eyes wide as they stared at you. Clearly, you weren’t the person he’d been expecting. He stared at you for a solid five seconds, saying nothing as his eyes were frozen on you, making you feel extremely self-conscious and a little hot under the collar.

You cleared your throat, snapping him out of his daze.

“Excuse me.” You said. As soon as you’d spoken the boss had got up onto his knees and looked around as if wondering how he would get to you without ruining his designs.

“Sorry about the mess.” He mumbled, a large blush blooming on his cheeks as he scrambled up and towards you, trying (and failing) to avoid stepping on the designs.

“Please! Don’t apologize!” You stumbled, matching his anxious energy as your face adopted a blush of its own. “I just came to give these to you!” You squeaked, your arms holding out the designs as your gaze locked on the cluttered floor.

“Oh.” The large male said gently, his shoulders relaxing. “Thank you.” He said, more confidently this time. He’d noticed that you were emitting a strongly anxious scent, and something about it must’ve scared him and made him think that he was scaring you.

“Your welcome.” You practically whispered, your eyes not daring to meet his, “Have a good day.” You rushed out before rushed back out of the room, letting the door almost slam behind you.

‘Dammit!’ you thought, mentally slapping yourself. You couldn’t believe you’d made such a fool out of yourself. You just couldn’t help it, the boss was super intimidating. Plus he was an alpha.

Being an alpha meant that, since you were an omega, you had a natural urge to submit to him, it also meant that he was incredibly intimidating, borderline scary.

Usually, it didn’t matter that you were an omega. You took scent and heat suppressants to control your natural omega tendencies. The suppressors made it to where no wolf could smell you and you couldn’t smell any wolf. People could smell the basics on you, fear, happiness, sadness, they just couldn’t smell your natural scent, the scent that gave you away as an omega. The suppressants also kept you from smelling other wolves and ‘losing control’ of your own scent as a reaction. This all meant that even if you encountered betas and alphas in your daily activities, they wouldn’t know you were an omega and you wouldn’t be able to smell their natural scents either.

The only exception to this was when an alpha was in a rut, when they were rutting their noses were strengthened tenfold and they could sniff you out in an instant., but thankfully, society had progressed to the point that ruts were an excused absence from your job. Another time that the suppressants weren’t at their full potency was during your heat. Yes, it suppressed almost all of your scent, but depending on the strength of your heats, some would still leak out. Thankfully, heats were also excusable by employers. Luckily you’d never had to leave work for heat, you’d always been able to track it and take off plenty early so you could lock yourself in your apartment and suffer through it, and you’d also been lucky enough to never encounter a rutting alpha.

*******************

Asahi Azumane, aka the boss, was still standing in front of his closed door. He stared at the closed door, the designs he’d been given loosely clutched in his hands.

‘Dammit!’ he thought. He couldn't believe how he’d reacted. How embarrassing!

Ever since the newest member of the floor had begun working at the studio as a financial advisor, Asahi had been incredibly infatuated. Even though he’d never held a conversation with her due to his busy schedule, he never failed to notice the way she lit up the office. Everyone liked her and got along with her. Sometimes he’d overhear people talking about her, or sometimes he’d even overhear her talking to someone, she always seemed so warm and kind that Asahi couldn’t help but be a little jealous that he’d never received the honor of ever talking to her.

When she had been the one to open the door to his office, he’d been practically incapacitated. As soon as his eyes had hit her body he’d forgotten how to talk.

As a designer he couldn’t help but admire the classy style of her outfit, the warm red-orange turtleneck tucked into a pair of brown and tan flared slacks paired with black platform boots. It took all of his willpower not to pull out a pencil and sketch it for inspiration.

And as a man, he couldn’t help but admire how the outfit fit your body perfectly. The way that it hugged your form, complementing and accentuating the curves of your figure. It was enough to take his breath away and make the alpha in him roar with the need to claim and protect such a precious sight.

Unfortunately for Asahi, as soon as the encounter with the angel began, it ended. He was beating himself up for not saying something, for not inviting you to dinner, for only staring like a lovestruck loser.

‘She probably thinks I’m a total loser...or even worse a pervert!’ he thought glumly. He sulked back over to his designs, frustrated at himself for not being bold enough to call after the beautiful girl and ask for her number.

‘Then again,’ he thought, ‘Y/N is way too out of my league, she’d reject me in a heartbeat. Or even worse! She’d say yes out of pity!’

As he continued to work on his designs, the thought of the angel that had visited him was clouding his mind, making work impossible. He just couldn’t seem to forget the shape of her lips as she spoke or the way that the perfect outfit laid on her perfect body....her perfect hips….her perfect breasts.

“Fuck” he grunted quietly, shifting uncomfortably as he realized that he’d thought himself straight into having an erection.

‘I just couldn’t help it. She’s so beautiful.’ he thought.

He tried to struggle through his… problem, but it seemed that the more he tried to ignore it, the more it persisted. It was actually to the point that he was sitting in the middle of his office, red-faced and panting with a painfully obvious tent in his pants.

“What the fuck is happening?” He grunted, feeling his canines start to lengthen and his claws emerge. Could he be going into rut already? He wasn’t due for at least another week!

Was it seeing Y/N that made him go into rut early? How? Y/N wasn’t his mate….right? No. He would’ve known if she was his mate by her scent. He had no recollection of ever smelling her, was she on suppressants, was there a chance that she could be his mate?

‘Yep.’ Asahi thought as another wave of heat and desire burst through his body, ‘I’ve started my rut early…. I need to get out of here…. Need to go home.’

He practically crawled to his desk, grasping desperately for his phone so he could call the receptionist and ask her to remove all of the females on the floor from the building. The last thing that he needed or wanted was to set off any omega’s heat by accident.

“Hello, Mr. Azumane. Is everything alright?” The receptionist asked, surprised at the call seeing as Asahi rarely called, opting to physically walk to the desk and ask. He thought that it was more polite this way, plus it gave him a chance to catch a glimpse of Y/N at her desk.

“I need all of the women on the floor to temporarily evacuate, I’ve gone into a rut.”

The receptionist on the other end, that was used to dealing with Asahi’s over-anxious personality, just laughed.

“That’s incredibly unnecessary sir. I’m sure everything will be fine if you just leave out of the back stairs, you could even leave out of the fire escape if you’re that nervous.”

Asahi sighed and nodded. It was true that he’d be wasting everyone’s time if he asked for an evacuation. It wasn’t that big of a deal.

“Ok……” he said warily. “I’ll try.”

“Great!” The receptionist replied, “I’ll make sure to get someone to bring your work to your house tomorrow so you can continue to work from home.”

**********************

“Right here is good. Thank you.” You said, getting out of the cab and paying the driver. YOu glanced up at the tall apartment complex as the car drove away, leaving you to fend for yourself.

You thought back to what had happened not even an hour earlier. Yui at the front desk had asked you if you would be willing to take the boss some work. She said that he was sick at home and wanted to continue to work from there. Being the people pleaser that you are, you said that it was no problem and that was how you’d wound up standing in front of Asahi Azumane’s apartment complex with a thick file full of designs and a large container of soup.

You walked into the lobby before buzzing into Asahi’s apartment. Clearly, he’d been expecting someone to come with his work seeing as he buzzed you up almost immediately.

You entered and took the elevator to his floor, the floor third from the top. When the doors opened, you were met with a small entryway that led to a single door.

“A penthouse?” you mumbled to yourself. You couldn’t be super surprised, after all, he was the boss of your floor and probably made a very comfortable salary. Still, the building hadn’t looked small from the outside, and if Asahi had a whole floor to himself that meant that his flat was at least 4,000 square feet big. You knocked on the door.

It opened.

You automatically gasped.

The scent of sandalwood and rosemary hit you like a brick wall, forcing you to stagger back on your feet.

‘Oh, shit’ you thought, ‘they told me he was sick! Not that he was in a rut!’

You began to panic in the split second that the door had been opened. You wanted to run away, but seeing as Asahi was much stronger and faster than you, you knew that you wouldn’t stand a chance.

Maybe it wasn’t a strong enough rut to enable him to smell through your suppressants? No. There was no way it was a weak rut, not when Asahi was such a powerful alpha.

In your state of panic, you failed to notice two things. The first being the fact that your wolf was screaming something at you, and the second being the large alpha, looming over you in the doorway.

Asahi’s body was heaving with heavy breath. His claws were contracted and his canines were piercing through his bottom lip, causing the taste of blood to hit his tongue as he stared at the beautiful omega in the doorway to his apartment.

‘I didn’t know Y/N was an omega’

‘Why is she here?’

‘Can she smell that I’m in rut?’

Were all questions running through the alpha’s brain, but the most important thing running through his brain was the single word that his inner wolf was practically screaming at him.

Asahi looked down at you, causing a violent shiver to wreck through your spine. You whimpered, feeling yourself grow wet with desire. His lips curled back before letting out the most deafening growl ever. A growl so loud, you were confident that people down on the sidewalks had heard.

“Mine.”

As soon as the words came out of his mouth, you gasped and suddenly the voice of your inner wolf was crystal clear. ‘Mate!’ it was howling happily. Your eyes widened as the realization hit you like a ton of bricks. Asahi was your bond mate? YOUR BOSS WAS YOUR BOND MATE!

It made you want to faint out of surprise as well as anxiety. You considered if you could make a run for it, despite already knowing it was impossible. You were glancing at your surroundings when you finally remembered that Asahi, your mate, was still standing in front of you.

You looked at his tall frame in awe, your desire growing as you practically drooled over the sheer size of the alpha. He was huge, his broad shoulders, his built chest, and if you were to take a guess, you’d say that he was huge under the belt too.

You were so distracted ogling his body that you didn’t notice the way that his claws were digging into the flesh of his palms and how his canines had pierced his bottom lip hard enough to cause a small trickle of blood down his chin.

“Azumane! You gasped, setting the papers and soup on the floor in the hall before automatically stepping forward and grazing his hands with your own, careful to avoid the razor-sharp claws.

“No.” He grunted, trying to pull his hands out of your grasp. He feared if you stayed much longer he would do something out of his control, something unforgivable. “Please…..I don’t want to hurt you.”

You could see the pain and genuine fear in his eyes. You felt your heart fill with sadness and love at the same time. You couldn’t believe how much you’d been blessed. You had been given Azumane as a mate…. A man who was gentle and kind and was always so thoughtful of others. This was the man that you were destined to spend the rest of your life with.

Suddenly all of the fears and insecurities of not being good enough for people melted away from you. As your arms left Asahi’s hands to wrap gently around his neck, tears of happiness began to run down your face.

How could you have been so stupid? All of this time happiness and love had been right down the hall from you. You had deprived yourself of a partner to laugh with, to love, all because you felt inferior to others.

“You won’t hurt me.” You whispered, one of your hands nudging his face down closer to yours. “I trust you Azumane.”

Your lips were so close to his that you could feel his slightly labored breathing. His eyes were so close that you could seemingly see into his soul. You tried to tell him with your eyes just how hopelessly in love with him you already were.

Somehow, he must’ve felt it, because soon he was sighing into a soft kiss as one of his strong hands moved to hold your head as the other glided down your body to rest on your hip.

“Asahi….” he breathed, disconnecting your lips to look into your eyes.

“Huh?” you asked, slightly dazed from the passion of the short kiss.

“Call me Asahi, my love.” He said before once again joining your mouths in another heartfelt kiss, pulling your body flush against his own strong frame.

You moaned into the embrace, your arms wrapping tightly around his neck as he carefully swept you up off of the ground and began to carry you into his bedroom.

It all seemed like a whirlwind to you, but you couldn’t imagine it any other way. This was your soulmate…. Your other half.

Asahi’s body was alight with desire as well as he felt the effects of his rut in full force. He couldn’t believe how incredibly lucky he was to receive you as his mate. You…. the girl that he’d been admiring from afar, the one that, dare he say, he was already madly in love with. You couldn’t wait to spend eternity with you in his arms. When he held you, he felt like the strongest man in the world.

“Is this okay? I don’t want to force you. I’m in rut so I want you to be 100 percent sure that this is YOU wanting me, not your hormones.” Asahi whispered as he set you down on the edge of his bed.

There was no doubt in your mind that this was what you wanted. You didn’t care that he was in rut, you knew that the lust you were feeling barely had anything to do with your omega nature. You wanted him. You wanted him so bad that it made you want to cry.

“Asahi,” You whimpered, falling back onto his bed and staring up at him with a maddening blush on your cheeks. “I want you to claim me…”

“My love….” he growled before lunging back down at you, his lips attaching to your jaw with a renewed feverish manner.

“Asahi!” you gasped as his large hands roamed your body, his long fingers dancing across your hips that had been exposed as the blouse you were wearing was torn off of you, the buttons flying across the room.

He chuckled at your surprise before resuming his onslaught of love onto your body, his lips seeking out your breasts as his hands began to work at your slacks and then at his own clothes.

As soon as you were both fully nude, he leaned back, leaving reality to dawn on you as you realized that you weren’t actually fully over your insecurities. Your hands flew up to cover your face and stomach in embarrassment, you didn’t want Asahi to see you under such bright lights.

“I-I’m sorry I jus-” You whispered in shame, your eyes locking on a wall in his bedroom as you tried to explain.

“Let me see you.” He demanded, interrupting your pathetic stuttering with his strong hands clasping around your wrists and pulling them above your head. Your eyes closed tightly in humiliation.

Asahi’s eyes hungrily drank in your body. Every curve and arch was precious to him. He was practically drooling at how soft you felt under his hard body, how pliant you would be to his will.

“Beautiful,” he murmured to himself. Making your blush darken.

He brought his head down to your chest, his tongue piking out of his mouth and leaving a hot trail between your breasts. You moaned at the feeling of the appendage dancing its way down and across your stomach, down to your hips, until finally, Asahi’s head rested between your thighs.

His hands splayed out against the smooth flesh, admiring how soft they were in his grip. He could smell your arousal, turning him on that much more as he watched slick drip out of your hole and onto the meat of your upper thighs.

“One day.” He mumbled, half to himself and half for you to hear, “I will fuck these gorgeous thighs.” He said before swooping in and kissing the upper region of your legs. Biting and sucking dark spots into the sensitive skin.

“Asahi!” Was all you could manage to cry as his hands and mouth wreaked pleasurable havoc on your mind and body. You wanted him so badly. You could feel your cunt fluttering with need as slick dripped out of it, leaving a large damp spot on Asahi’s bedsheets.

“What do you want my love?” He asked, his eyes looking up from his position from in between your thighs to meet yours. You were suddenly overwhelmed at the sight of so much affection and adoration that laid in the dark brown pools.

“I want you Asahi….” you cried, panting as he quickly climbed up your body, lining himself up with you.

Both of you were hot and ready. The feeling and scent of desire clouding the room and leaving you both in a state of reckless lust. Nothing in that moment mattered but you and him.

Asahi connected your mouths once again as he pressed into you, his cock stretching your walls further than anyone had ever stretched them before. It felt so good…. so incredibly good.

“Asahi….” you gasped as he seated himself fully inside of you, the indescribable feeling of fullness making your body shake. “Please... Give me your cock.” A low growl ripped through his chest as his restraint finally snapped and his rut took over his mind and body. His hips began to snap in and out of your body at an almost lethal pace, leaving you writhing and gasping for air as you felt his primal instincts taking over.

“Yes!” you cried, your nails driving themselves across his upper back in a pathetic attempt to keep you rooted to this world. If the sheer size of his dick wasn’t enough to split you in two, it was the lightning-fast pace that his hips were thrusting into your body at, hitting all of the deepest areas of you, making you want to scream in pleasure.

As his cock drug in and out of you, rubbing against your walls so good that it took all of your breath away, you felt the tip of his cock but against your g-spot.

“Aah! Asahi!” You screamed, your walls clenching around him as stars painted your vision in pleasure. You couldn’t believe just how good he filled you up, how he reached every single place within you, drawing out the lewdest sounds, filling the rooms with your moans and cries as his cock pounded into you.

“You’re so beautiful” He gasped as you clenched around him, he was practically rapid with pleasure. He was slamming into you as his newfound goal in life was to please you, sucking on your neck as his hands roamed and gripped your body.

You could tell that since Asahi was in rut, his end was approaching much faster than it normally would and you would be lying if you said that you weren’t on the brink of orgasm as well. Apparently, Asahi had realized the same thing and was positioning himself to where he was hitting your sweet spot with every thrust, determined to make you fall apart first.

“Asahi!” You gasped, tears running down your face as your hands gripped his strong shoulders. “Asahi, I’m gonna come….”

“Yes, my love….” He grunted, picking up his pace impossibly more before bringing his fingers down to circle your clit. He could feel you getting closer and closer with the way that you sucked him back in with each thrust. “You take me so well.”

“Yes. Only you Asahi! You fuck me so good!” You babbled, your hips circling quickly in a sad attempt to keep up with the delicious feeling of his cock inside of you. You could feel the elastic of your orgasm pulling tight in your lower stomach. You knew that Asahi wouldn’t let himself come before you.

“Please….” you begged, teary eyes staring into Asahi’s lustful ones. “Please let me cum..”

“Yes my love.” he panted out, his thrusts becoming sloppier as he felt his own end rising. “Cum for me…” He said, his lips once again joining yours as your body was thrown off of the cliff into a sea of pleasure. You cried into his kiss, your body arching off of the bed as it shook with the overwhelming force of your orgasm. You swore that you temporarily went blind with the impact.

“I’m gonna come…..” Asahi breathed against your lips.

“Please…..come inside of me.” You begged, your legs wrapping around his hips and trapping his body against yours as his hips began to stutter and his cock burst inside of you, filling you with his hot seed.

“Fuuuuckkkk.” he groaned, pitching his head back as every fiber of his benign burned in the glory of his high. He continued to lazily thrust into you, bringing you both through your peaks.

As soon as you had been able to gain your breath again, he pulled you, leaving you incredibly empty. You whined at the loss.

“I need to take care of you.” He chuckled, climbing off of the bed to retrieve a towel from his bathroom to clean your body with. He kissed and massaged you as he gently wiped all of the cum mixed with slick off of your thighs, his face burning red at the lewd evidence of your lustful activities. You giggled as his docile, shy nature slowly returned, barely being able to make eye contact with you.

As soon as he was finished, he let you pull him back down onto the bed, despite both of you still being naked and sweaty. You closed your eyes, you knew that his rut would flare up again and you wanted to catch a quick nap before the second round.

Asahi just stared at your face as you drifted off to rest. You looked like an angel to him...so pure and beautiful. He knew then that he would always protect you, even if that meant laying down his own life. You were now his reason to live, you were his muse…..

You were his.

[makeste]

is it too late now to say sorry

anon I agree with almost all of this for the most part, but if you don’t mind I would like to come to Kacchan’s defense here a little bit. while he absolutely does need to apologize to Izuku, there are reasons why he hasn’t done so yet which boil down to a lot more than simply “he’s still a dick.”

anyway, so for my next trick, I will take the thesis statement of “Kacchan is afraid to apologize to Deku for both selfish and unselfish reasons, and Deku doesn’t realize how much he needs to hear the apology because he pays no attention to his own needs”, and somehow transform that into a 3500 word rant lol.

first of all, I’ve said this before, but on the topic of whether or not Katsuki actually needs to apologize to Deku at all, my answer is an emphatic “yes.” is it necessary in order for him to earn Deku’s forgiveness? no. in fact I’m pretty sure Deku has already forgiven him. because that kid doesn’t have a petty bone in his body (not that wanting an apology from your friend who basically turned on you and made your life miserable for ten years and told you to go kill yourself is in any way petty at all), and because he has staunchly held on to what he could of their relationship throughout that entire time, hoping that one day they could somehow be friends again. Kacchan never stopped being “Kacchan” to him. Deku never stopped caring about him. and that goes beyond him simply being a good person; there’s also just an attachment there, for lack of a better word, that he is simply unwilling to give up. their friendship is that important to him. Kacchan is that important to him.

but just because Katsuki is almost guaranteed forgiveness from Izuku doesn’t mean the apology isn’t still owed. putting aside that it’s really the least he could do, I think an apology is also necessary in order for their friendship to ever move past the level it’s currently stuck at, for one simple reason: Izuku doesn’t actually know that Katsuki cares.

more specifically, he doesn’t know that Katsuki actually cares about him. because Katsuki, for various reasons which I’ll get to momentarily, has done such a spectacular job of hiding this fact that he even fooled a lot of us for a very long time. before chapter 284 came along, there was hardly any evidence at all that Katsuki actually cared about Izuku as a person beyond just the requisite, bare minimum level of “well I don’t actually want you to die or anything, because I’m not a complete shithead.”

because he hides it. and he hides it on purpose, which is a mind-blowing revelation I’m still only just starting to wrap my head around. it’s an act. all of his continued hostility toward Izuku since the Endeavor internship arc -- and possibly going even further back than that; possibly going all the way back to their second Ground Beta fight -- has been an act. here he is, continuing to bitch at him at every turn and basically doing everything he can to remind Izuku that They Are Rivals And Nothing More, and he has played that role so perfectly that hardly anyone suspected what was actually going on.

he cares about Izuku. not just subconsciously on a level where he’s in denial about it, but to a fully conscious and aware degree. he’s dedicated himself to helping Izuku as his way of trying to make amends. that’s a decision he consciously made, something he’s given a lot of thought to. he worries about Izuku. he worries about his selflessness and his recklessness and that one day he’ll take it too far and it will go terribly wrong. he worries about One For All and All For One, and about the legacy his friend has inherited that’s so much bigger than him, and which he knows Izuku won’t hesitate to sacrifice himself for if it ever comes to that. he worries. he cares.

and Izuku does not know this. and he deserves to know this. and that’s why the apology is so important. not because it’s a magic sentence that will miraculously restore the ten years of friendship and trust that was lost between them, or heal the ten years of pain and misery that Izuku went through alone and friendless, because nothing can ever restore or heal that. as a gesture, an apology is nice, but it’s also fairly useless, at least on its own. it’s meaningless without action to support it, and rather pales in significance when held up against the LITERAL DECADE of misery that it’s trying to make up for.

but the reason it’s still so, so important in spite of all this is because Izuku doesn’t know that Katsuki cares about him. he doesn’t know that their friendship isn’t just one-sided. he does know that Katsuki is a good person, and that he has a good core beneath his prickly exterior. and he’s more adept than most people at seeing past Katsuki’s outer shell of bullshit and understanding what lies beneath. but he has a blind spot, and that blind spot is himself.

he hasn’t made the connection between “Kacchan is a good person who cares about other people and is trying to do the right thing” to “Kacchan cares about me.” because Kacchan has been diligent in making sure that every time Izuku does start to make that connection, that he shoots it back down and disproves it as vehemently as he can.

which, just to be clear, is actually a huge load of bull, as we now know. huh.

but anyway. the point is that Katsuki is still hiding this part of himself from Izuku. the fact that he actually cares. the fact that their friendship is reciprocated on a level that goes beyond just rivalry and shared secrets and a mutual admiration for All Might. Izuku doesn’t know yet how much Katsuki cares about him, and he deserves to know.

and that’s why the apology is important. not because the words themselves are important, but because he deserves to know that Katsuki is sorry. he deserves to know that Katsuki cares about him. he deserves to know that he’s valued, that Katsuki sees him as someone who has value. he deserves that. and that, more than anything else, is why the apology is needed, and why it’s important for him to actually hear those words. because Katsuki was spot on when he said that Izuku doesn’t see himself in the way that he should, and I think he needs this to help him understand a little better just how much value he actually has.

so that’s part one of my rant! and now we move on to part two, which can basically be summarized as “okay but then WHY has Katsuki not just FUCKING APOLOGIZED TO HIM ALREADY.” because yeah, though. at the end of the day, this is all on him. and he does care, and he is sorry. so then what is still holding him back??

and that... is complicated. and it basically boils down to four things.

1. it’s insufficient.

ten years. all the way back to when they were four years old and Izuku first learned that he didn’t have a quirk. ten years of Katsuki bullying him and distancing himself from him. ten years of pain and isolation and unhappiness that Izuku absolutely did not deserve.

and yes, it ultimately stemmed from a misunderstanding, but that doesn’t make it right in the least. there’s absolutely no justification for it. Katsuki knew that it was wrong and he acted like that nonetheless. and anyone who says that Izuku in any way brought it on himself, that it’s in any way his fault or that he invited it on himself by not leaving Katsuki alone -- you can miss me with that, tbh. he was a child and he was lonely and confused and didn’t understand why his best friend had suddenly turned his back on him. this was the most vulnerable period in his life, and the person who should have had his back ended up being the person who made it even worse for him instead. and even after Izuku grew out of the so-called stalking and actually did mind his own business, and just admired Katsuki from a distance -- that still wasn’t enough to appease Katsuki either. even just the mere mention of Izuku wanting to go to U.A. was enough to set him off worse than ever before. that was absolutely not Izuku’s fault in any way, and I’m positive that even Katsuki himself would agree. Katsuki was terrible. I can’t emphasize enough just how terrible he was.

so yeah. ten years of that. and now Katsuki finally realizes just how awful it was. and he’s sorry! and he regrets it, a lot, and he wants to atone for it.

but now here’s problem number one: when you put it up in comparison to ALL OF THAT, an apology just feels overwhelmingly inadequate. almost laughably so. and Katsuki may be a bit emotionally dense (although perhaps less so than we always thought), but he’s sharp enough to realize this much, at least. it’s almost pathetic to simply try saying “I’m sorry” after all of that, and expect it to mean anything at all. it’s not enough. it’s so much not enough that I imagine he must almost feel helpless just imagining it. the weight of everything he’s done is so much, and an apology isn’t enough to undo any of it. it’s not even close.

Katsuki isn’t someone who backs down from things easily, but the sheer scale of the mistakes he’s trying to grapple with now is enough to give just about anyone pause. how do you even begin to address something like that? how can you even begin to make up for it? and Katsuki isn’t stupid, and I have to imagine that everything he saw during that first week of interning with Endeavor only cemented this for him. an apology simply isn’t enough. not for something like this.

2. it’s unfamiliar.

reason number two! and this one is a bit selfish on his part, yeah. but Katsuki is still just a kid too. and his falling out with Izuku didn’t only have a negative impact on Izuku; it hurt Katsuki as well. he lost that friendship too. he thought Izuku was looking down on him, and I’m certain that hurt him a lot more than he ever let on. if you trust someone and care about them only to have them turn on you like that (even though he got it wrong and it was ultimately all just in his head) -- that hurts. it’s not a coincidence that he became closed off and mean afterwards, and that even now he’s resistant to letting other people get close to him. for all that it was more or less self-inflicted, it still had a huge impact.

but now he’s learned that Izuku was never looking down on him at all and that he had it wrong this whole time. and as a result, he’s gotten this chance now to try and rebuild the childhood friendship that he almost destroyed. and make no mistake, this is something he wants too. it’s not just Izuku who’s grateful to have this chance to have normal interactions with the other again. this is something both of them value, and Katsuki doesn’t want to ruin it this time.

so he’s picking up where he left off! only the thing is, this involves him reverting to a blueprint that hasn’t been updated since the two of them were four years old, lol. “normal” for them is him being a bossy little snot, and Izuku happily shrugging it off with all of his limitless nerdy enthusiasm as they go about their various misadventures together. it’s a script that hasn’t changed since they were children, and one they’re both still more than content to use, but it is an outdated script nonetheless. Katsuki is playing the role that Izuku expects him to play. and it’s not like he’s being dishonest or anything like that, because that’s still him; he’s still his same old short-tempered, argumentative self, and it’s not like his personality has done a complete 180 or anything like that.

but at the same time, there’s a calmer side to him now which he is deliberately keeping hidden from Izuku because it’s off-script for them. it’s unfamiliar ground. with Izuku, he’s always been this Kacchan:

and again, it’s not like he isn’t actually that person, especially when it comes to his old rival. but at the same time, there’s another side to him that he rarely if ever lets Izuku in particular see. Izuku never sees the quiet Kacchan who avoids other people’s eyes while he fiddles with his water bottle and calmly asks questions about the OFA successors. Izuku never sees the insightful Kacchan who opens up about his own regrets and weaknesses. there’s a level of emotional intimacy, for lack of a better term, that Katsuki has been unwilling to let them cross into. and if I had to guess why, my guess would be that it’s because Katsuki is afraid that changing up the formula now will lead to unfamiliar territory which may or may not end up completely upending their relationship just as it’s starting to grow into something actually solid again.

which brings me to reason #3!

3. he’s afraid.

Katsuki already experienced what it was like to fall out with Izuku. and again, for all that he was the cause of it, and that Izuku had it much, much worse, that doesn’t change the fact that it was a pretty terrible experience for him as well.

and look, we know Katsuki is afraid of losing Izuku. that’s confirmed canon now. he actually admitted that he was worried about Izuku, and that Izuku’s tendency to recklessly disregard his own wellbeing unsettled him and made him want to keep his distance. and he sacrificed himself to save Izuku’s life!! and did it automatically, unthinkingly, because the decision-making on his part was so fast it didn’t even register. that’s how much he cares. enough that his desire to protect Izuku now ranks higher than his own self-preservation.

and when something is that important to you, you will fight not to lose it. and Katsuki does not want to lose this. Izuku is important to him. by extension that means their friendship is important to him. and he wants to preserve that.

and the thing is, the apology is an obstacle to that. and he knows it. he knows he has to face it at some point, because he can’t atone without it. he has to take responsibility for what he did. he can’t keep running away from it forever.

but he also knows the potential consequences. he knows that apologies don’t always end in reconciliation. he knows falling-outs don’t always have a happy ending. he knows that forgiveness isn’t automatic, and that years of pain don’t just disappear just like that. and he recently got to see firsthand one possible way how it might all turn out.

he knows Izuku doesn’t have to forgive him. he knows Izuku might not forgive him. and he knows that he probably doesn’t deserve Izuku’s forgiveness, and that ultimately he does not have a say in the matter one way or the other. it’s Izuku’s choice, at the end of the day, and whatever he chooses Katsuki is going to have to accept it.

but you can know all of that, and accept the fact that you’re going to have to take responsibility, and yet still be afraid to face it. and yes, maybe it’s selfish of him to feel that way. but that selfishness is also human. it’s human to fear rejection, and it’s human to go through the various stages of trying to postpone having to face that. Katsuki is a brave kid, but he is just a kid, still. and this is going to be very hard for him to do. that doesn’t mean it doesn’t still have to be done. but I feel for him and I have a lot of empathy for the situation he’s currently in.

and there is also one last reason why I think he’s putting it off as well, and it just so happens that this reason actually isn’t selfish at all.

4. he doesn’t want false forgiveness.

and this one is ironically kind of at odds with reason #3! Katsuki fears the possibility of Izuku not forgiving him... but at the same time, I think that strangely enough, there’s also a part of him that fears being forgiven, just like that. easily and gladly and unconditionally, with the trademark selflessness that defines so many of Izuku’s other decisions.

“he just... deep down, he doesn’t take himself into account, y’know?”

Izuku rarely if ever takes himself into consideration, and Katsuki knows this. he’s selfless to a fault, and Katsuki knows this. and so if Katsuki were to come up to him and apologize, there’s the possibility that yes, Izuku might decide not forgive him. he might in fact be all “nah, you know what, fuck you,” as would certainly be within his rights.

but this is a very remote possibility, and we all know it. and Katsuki knows it too, I think. because that’s not who Izuku is. he puts other people’s welfare above his own, every time. and so if Katsuki were to break down and tell Izuku that he was sorry, and if he were to ask him for forgiveness, nine times out of ten that is something that Izuku grants instantly. this is the same kid who put his own life at risk to try and save Katsuki less than an hour after Katsuki told him to dive off a roof. Izuku’s instinct is to protect and save. and so if he sees that Katsuki is hurting; if he sees that Katsuki feels guilty for what he’s done and that it’s eating away at him in much the same way as when he was blaming himself for Kamino -- he is going to do what he always does. he is going to try and save him.

and he would do that even if it meant shoving down his own pain. he absolutely would. he would prioritize Katsuki’s feelings over his own. and if he did still feel any lingering resentment at how cruelly he was treated, he would still put it aside if need be. and he would forgive him.

in other words, the risk exists that Izuku might grant Katsuki forgiveness that he doesn’t actually feel. if Katsuki is granted Izuku’s forgiveness, he doesn’t have any way to actually tell for sure if it’s real. there would be that element of doubt there, that question of whether or not it’s really sincere. and something like that could ultimately poison their relationship, if things were allowed to play out that way. it would prevent them from being fully able to trust each other. ultimately, it might lead to them drifting apart again, and something like that might ultimately be even more painful than Izuku rejecting Katsuki’s apology outright. and there’s also an argument to be made that Izuku doesn’t deserve to be put on the spot like that, and forced to make that decision one way or the other when he might not be ready to yet. so there’s that to consider as well.

so yeah. four reasons why Katsuki has not apologized to Izuku yet. and they are good reasons, in my book. complicated reasons, too. but none of that changes the fact that at the end of the day this is still something he has to do. his current way of trying to atone through action is great, don’t get me wrong! and it’s necessary too for sure, because like I said, the apology just on its own is never going to be enough. he needs to commit to doing the right thing, and trying his best to make it right between them from here on out. and saving his life is certainly a decent start! but you still gotta say the words too eventually bro.

but there is just a ton of stuff at play here and I find it all fascinating tbh. they are just so, so bad at communicating with each other. and the thing is, they both actually want the same thing! but they want it so badly that ironically it’s almost holding them back right now, because they don’t want to put it at risk. but ultimately this is a leap of faith that Katsuki in particular is going to have to take sooner rather than later in order to finally restore that last bit of trust between the two of them.

so yeah. just two stupid teenage boys who fail at emotions, and who are probably overdue for another of their famous Get It All Out In The Open stupid shounen therapy battles lmao. round 3, featuring Deku’s new robot arms vs Katsuki and his shiny new “like father like son” All Might torso scar. sob.

[euphoricsunflowers]

big boys, submissive hearts - jeong yunho and song mingi

a/n: yo i really wish i had some kind of consistency in the amount to which i write for requests cuz good gOD. also i totally forgot that the reader was supposed to be small and like it was supposed to be a super size kink heavy fic. tell me if you want me to rewrite it.

contains: fem! reader, threesome, yunho used to have feels for mingi, mingi is lowkey a switch but he doms yunho a bit so, a small bit of pet play, we’re a lil mean to yunho, oral (fem receiving), handjobs, fingering (male receiving), pegging, and protected sex (wrap that shit up kids).

warnings: wrap it before you tap it that’s all i got to say.

word count: 2.4k

summary: a threesome with your boyfriend and his best friend.

you sighed, rubbing you temples, “so when’s he supposed to get here?”

“he said he’d be here at seven. we’re gonna watch the movie like planned… and if you’re okay with it… maybe we could do a bit more than watch the movie after,” yunho said.

“i mean, i suppose it’s fine. i just… just to be sure: you don’t want to do this because you’re unsatisfied with our sex life, right?” you look up at him for any small hint that he’s unhappy with what you have going on, but find nothing.

“no! oh god no i love our sex life! it’s just…”

“what?”

“our sex life came up in conversation, and mingi said he was curious because he’s… never been submissive before.” he rubs the back of his head, and you blink.

“and you told him he could join us?”

“i said i would talk to you! i was also… attracted to mingi once… so i liked the idea too.”

“ahh, then alright then.”

“really?!”

“i think mingi will look almost as cute on his knees for me as you do… almost…” you smile softly, wrapping your arms around him, laying your head against his chest. you were much smaller than yunho, and it was almost always him protecting you, but in the bedroom… things were different.

yunho was just a people pleaser. he was incredibly nice and kind to everyone and that translated to always doing whatever it took to please you. this was the one time you could pay back all the times he did things for you because you liked them. you were sure yunho loved you, so there wasn’t a worry about what his feelings about mingi were currently. in fact…

—

mingi arrives right at 7:00 pm, and the movie starts maybe a couple minutes later. mingi starts out sitting pretty far from the both of you, but you tell him to move closer, that it’s ok to relax around you.

maybe thirty minutes in, he seems to finally have relaxed. he rests his head on your thighs as you brush your fingers through his hair while yunho has attached himself to your side, holding onto your arm for dear life and nuzzling his head on your shoulder.

it’s a softer scene that you weren’t quite ready for. you were much more ready to have the both of them on their knees for you. you decided that if mingi truly was new to the whole submissive side, then you’d start with yunho.

you take your hand that was threading through mingi’s hair and immediately he notices. mingi sits up, and you start to rub yunho’s inner thigh while keeping eye contact with mingi. yunho must have fallen asleep, because he’s barely conscious but he’s also already moaning softly.

“wake up, baby, the fun’s about to start.” you whisper to him, and yunho seems energetic immediately, his eyes lighting up.

“wait, can i ask you something really quick?” mingi chimes in, the first time he’s really said something during these past few minutes. you nod at him and he asks, “is there something i should call you?”

“what would you be comfortable with, mingi? you can call me whatever you want, but don’t go out of your way to do anything that yunho does or i want you to do if you’re uncomfortable, okay? do you have a safeword?”

“i-i, yeah, it’s pepper.”

“alright. pepper. please remember it and don’t be afraid to use it.”

“okay.” he rushes to say, probably excited to get in on the action, but you hush him.

“really mingi. i want you to be able to voice any discomfort because you’re not used to this and i don’t know your limits, okay?”

“yes, i’ll make sure to tell you if i’m uncomfortable.”

“good. then, let’s move this to the bedroom. both of you: go upstairs and strip. be on your knees on the floor in front of the bed,” you order, and yunho’s up in a second. mingi’s slower to react, but he lets yunho drag him upstairs.

you wait a few minutes before heading upstairs. both boys did exactly as you asked, both stripped down and in front of the bed. you walk towards mingi, running your hand gently through his hair, “look at you both. so big and tall, yet so submissive for me. you’ll be good, right?”

and he nods. you smile softly at him, leaning down to press a small kiss on his forehead. the rather soft moment doesn’t go unnoticed by your boyfriend, as you can clearly hear from the whines coming from your left.

you walk over to yunho, pulling him by the hair a lot tougher than you did with mingi, but the yelp he lets out doesn’t worry you much when you see the smile on his face, “i wonder what your friends would think knowing you’re just my toy to play with, puppy. judging by how loud you’re being right now, i’d say you want them to know.”

yunho shivers at the pet name that he loves oh so much, “yes, yes, i want them to see just how good i am for you.”

“then let’s show mingi just how good you are for me, and maybe next time you can show all your friends just who owns you,” yunho whines at your words desperately, and you laugh, pecking him on the lips, “for starters, why don’t you put that pretty mouth to good use?”

yunho immediately nods, and you take your turn to strip, quickly winking at the other boy. he cheeks turn red as he makes out all the curves of your body he never got to see until now, “alright, mingi, you can get on the bed, but yunho’s going to stay on the floor where he belongs.”

you sit on the edge of the bed and mingi sits half beside, half behind you with you between his legs. he starts kissing on your shoulder and neck as yunho sits still, impatiently waiting for your permission, “you can go, puppy. do a good job, you only get to cum tonight if i do.”

and that seems to be the only modivation he needs as his mouth is immediately on your heat. lucky for yunho: he knows exactly what he’s doing. he’s flicking his tongue against your clit just how you like and his heavy breaths every time he pulls back for a second again you make you shiver. unfortunately, he places his hand on your thigh to keep a good grip on you and that just won’t do.

you pull him off you roughly, tugging at his hair life you’re trying to hurt him, and to be honest: you are, “i didn’t say you could touch me. you’re not being a very good puppy, are you?”

he gazes at you sadly at first, but he eventually drops his head and mumbles a small “no,”.

“mingi?” you call out to him for the first time in a while, and he hums in response, “go grab a belt out of my drawer. it’s the third one down on the left.”

he gets up and searches through the drawer, handing you the belt you asked for, “tie his hands behind his back, just so my puppy doesn’t make the same mistake again.”

mingi is honestly more nervous than yunho, shaking as he ties yunho’s hands and returns to his spot behind you. yunho resumes eating you out the second you let him. he drives you to your high easier than you expected, and you can never seem to brace yourself for it because it always takes you by surprise. you let out an incredibly loud, pornographic moan, holding onto yunho’s head and using him to ride out your orgasm.

after taking a second to relax, you move mingi to the side a bit and call yunho over to finally join you both in the bed, “you’re going to watch, pretty boy. touch yunho if you want, his nipples are really sensitive so feel free to play with him.”

mingi nods shakily, and you get up to search through the same drawer as earlier, finding exactly what you’re looking for and placing onto the end. yunho doesn’t even need to see what you’re doing to know he’s going to get ruined, and he’s honestly so excited.

you’re looking for one last thing when you hear a gasp and turn to see mingi running his nail along the length of yunho’s dick. you raise an eyebrow but don’t stop him, a small smirk on your face. you did say he could touch yunho. plus, it gave you an idea. you whisper something to mingi, and he seems to get what you’re saying immediately.

you squeezed some lube onto your fingers and yunho pouts, “puppy, i need to stretch you out a bit, so be patient with me.”

you can easily slide in one finger and then one becomes two and two becomes three and you pump your fingers in and out slightly, you know, just to rile him up. mingi is still just teasing him, running his nails up and down, pressing hard down on yunho’s tip, but not giving him any kind of relief.

yunho’s pain seems to have subsided as he’s moaning freely now, and you slide your fingers out only to quickly push a strap covered in lube in. guess he didn’t notice that you had that on, too lost in the pleasure. it takes little effort to get yunho moaning and babbling and he wants to grab out and hold on to you for stability, but his hands are still tied.

“hey mingi?”

“hm?”

“you think he’s loud now, you should hear him when he orgasms,” you say as you throw on of yunho’s legs over your shoulder to hit just the right spot. yunho screams out as you repeatedly hit his prostate, and he’s absolutely done for when mingi finally gives his dick the attention it needed to push him over the edge. yunho cums with a final piercing moan, his chest and stomach covered as he pants, still feeling the aftershocks of his orgasm.

you pull out and look over at mingi. he’s the only one who hasn’t really gotten any attention yet, and you’re determined to make sure he does, “yunho, baby, you did really well. can you do one more thing for me?”

yunho nods, a bit dazed still. you move over to mingi, sitting beside him and running your hand through his hair one last time. you’ve learned it calms and relaxes him.

“so, you’re new to being submissive, right?”

“y-yes,”

“then let’s take this easy. i’ll let you fuck me, but i’ll control everything. you don’t need to worry about a thing. just do what i say and i promise you’ll feel really good, okay?”

“okay,” he murmurs, and you pull him in for a kiss. he kisses differently than yunho, not any better or worse, just different. you shift and pull mingi down so he’s on top of you, “i should already be wet enough, so don’t bother with lube. there’s condoms on the dresser.”

he looks over and indeed there is a plastic box and he opens it to find at least ten, maybe fifteen condoms, “you guys are really big on protection, huh?”

“not that i doubt yunho’s pull out game, even though i absolutely do, but it’s just in case. i really can’t be getting pregnant.”

mingi shrugs and puts the condom on, moving back on top of you, “now, i want you to sink yourself inside me and feel me, but don’t move until i tell you to, okay, pretty boy?”

he nods, slipping inside you easily. you look over at yunho, who’s completely back to being energetic after maybe a few minutes of post orgasm quiet, “remember when i said i needed you to do one more thing, yunho?”

he nods, “whatever it is, mommy, i’ll do it for you.”

you smile, “i knew you were a good boy,” you reach your hand out for yunho’s length, and though it’s not as bad as it would have been immediately post orgasm, yunho still yelps out in overstimulation, “i’m going to jerk you off while mingi fucks me. you don’t get to cum until after he does, alright?”

yunho nods desperately, though he knows exactly what you’re doing. you let mingi start pumping in and out of you, albeit slowly and the contract between his speed and yours on yunho’s dick is night and day. yunho’s going to be begging for a second orgasm before mingi is even near his first. and, just like you thought, he was, “shit! y/n!! p-please slow down!! if you keep— oh my god!— keep going at this pace, it won’t be much longer until i-!”

“that seems like your problem, puppy,” you whisper, making yunho whimper from the hopelessness. even though you’re letting mingi speed up and chase his high, there’s no way yunho’s lasting until after mingi.

yunho lets out his signature moan he does when he’s cumming, and for the second time tonight, yunho orgasm, much more intensely the second time.

mingi’s not far behind as he buries his head in your neck in embarrassment at the moans he’s letting out, “it’s alright, pretty boy, you’re a good boy for me, right?”

“r-right, i—“

“cum, mingi,” you demand, and mingi immediately falls apart on top of you. he shakes and moans as you push your hips up to increase the pleasure he’s feeling. mingi stops just before you could feel yourself starting to build up another orgasm, but it’s alright. you had more pressing issues on your hands.

“well, looks like my puppy’s not that good at listening. that, or he’s just too horny to keep himself from cumming for a few more seconds,” you say to nobody in particular. you can feel yunho’s shame radiating off from him, “looks like tonight isn’t over yet, pup.”

[dopescotlandwarrior]

Bluegrass -Chapter 24

          Special thanks to @statell​ for all your help and encouragement

Previous chapters at AO3

Chapter Twenty-Four (NSFW)

“Oh! Dear God!” Claire landed at Jamie's side hearing him struggle to catch his breath. “Its official, this cannot be undone, the genie is out of the bottle.”

Jamie pulled her close to him and tried to make sense out of what she said. Yesterday she said she was ruined for life, today the genie is out of the bottle. He tread carefully, feeling this was big information delivered in some kind of code.

“What exactly do ye mean, mo chridhe?”

Claire opened her eyes and blushed crimson before changing the subject. “You have a few more days to rest so promise me you won’t disobey doctor’s orders not to use your arm?”

“Sassenach, remember the deal we made with Rupert and Angus? They leave for Scotland tomorrow, for two weeks. You goin back to work and me of limited use that leaves Jason to manage it all. He canna do it alone.”

Jamie started to get up when Claire reached to stop him. “What if I know someone that can jump into the job and needs no training? Do you remember Steve? He has experience with horses, and he’s bored until school starts. If you agree, I’ll call him.

That was only a small part of Claire’s anxiety at the moment. Poor planning on her part had not prepared her for the numerous calls that came in from her email about returning to her practice. Her days were filling up with appointments that she could not handle alone. Molly was no longer available at any time with her blooming romance and there wasn’t time to hire someone and train them. The butterflies of anxiety had become sharks that were consuming her stomach.

Claire stood at the sink in her scrubs and wet hair chewing toast and washing it down with juice. Her heart hurt when she looked at Jamie’s face, so sad.

“I’ve grown attached to yer company Sassenach and now I must miss ye every day.”

She kissed him so sweetly and realized that without her driving anxiety, she would feel the same sadness.

“I can’t wait to hug you tonight. I will have much to report and I will miss you every second.”

Claire gripped the steering wheel as she negotiated the merge into freeway traffic. White clammy hands and a racing heart just compounded her misery. It only took twenty minutes to get hopelessly lost forcing her off the freeway to check her obviously broken navigation system. She sat on the side of the road and saw the turn she missed five miles back. She felt defeated and just wanted to go home. She had never done her job solo and suddenly questioned if she could. How was she going to find these remote places and do a day’s work without help? It was impossible. The blinker clicked as she waited to pull onto the road.

Claire looked down at the phone in her hand and tried to calculate the improbability of her next move. When he answered she felt her eyes sting at the sound of his voice.

“Nice surprise doctor B, oh wait, doctor F, hmm, it will take some time getting used to..”

“You might have to get used to calling me Claire. Go ahead, it won’t cause permanent damage.”

“Alright, Claire, what’s up?”

“Well, I was wondering, well, hoping, actually praying that you might have some free time to help me now and then …some days of the week...not very many, maybe.”

Dustin laughed, “I happen to be unemployed now, so yes. We stayed for the first summer session so Hope could take a class she missed. Now we’re home, no one is hiring. I’m excited just thinking about it!”

Claire’s hand was cramping from holding her phone so tight and her eyes popped open. “Was that a yes?”

“Yes! I can come with you today if you want.”

“What? Really? Oh Dustin, you are a lifesaver. I am lost on the side of the rode and thirty minutes late for my first appointment. Can you guide me to where you are?”

“Let’s start with where you are, can you see a street sign?”

Fifteen minutes later, Hope pulled behind Claire’s truck and Dustin got out. Claire was in the passenger seat already, so he jumped behind the wheel as Claire waved to Hope.

They were pulling up to Claireborn Farm ten minutes later and Dustin used his excellent driving skills to back up to the large rolling doors giving them quick access to the equipment they would need. Claire’s first day back after six months and Dustin’s first day back in a year made for a timid start as they got accustomed to working together again.

Claire was a stone-celebrity at each stop and there were many of the same questions asked over and over again. Dustin would set up the treatments and the moment Claire could break away from the fanning owner she would nearly collide with the first horse. The awkwardness between Claire and Dusty could not flourish under their practiced timing and it fell away as they powered through the day.

“Jamie, could you send Rupert to pick me up please? Dustin is going to work with me for the next two months and I don’t like to drive. Thank you, sweetheart, see you soon.”

“Married life agrees with you Claire.”

“I could say the same for you young man, you look healthy and happy.”

Dustin looked straight ahead out the windshield, “Hope is great.”

Claire dug into her files and Dustin dictated the treatments done today, appointments for a recheck, what tests were being done, and special billing requirements. She heaved them off her lap and smiled at Dustin when Jamie was driving up.

“Thank you Dusty.”

He shook hands with Jamie and grimaced at his bandaged elbow before heading for home. When Hope saw the big truck still dripping from the car wash, she ran outside to embrace her husband. Claire’s energy had clung to him all the way home but when he looked into Hope’s sweet face, he was free again.

Claire was quiet on the way home, bowled over by the contrast between her old life of living alone in her little mountain cabin, spending her days with Dusty, and her current reality of world-famous jockey and wife of Jamie Fraser. The degree of change in one year was astounding and she was deep in her head about it.

Jamie looked at his wife and felt lonely for her. He steered the truck with his knee and ran his hand down her arm to get her attention.

“I'm concerned about the seat belt around ye lass. Ye see, it gets most of the wear and tear compared to the middle one. See, this one is practically new. For yer own safety, come sit here, love.”

Claire smiled and moved closer to Jamie feeling the cascade of love emotions when her thigh pressed against his.

“Claire, can I act like a fourteen-year-old with his first crush for a minute?”

“Let it rip fourteen-year-old Jamie,” was her giggled response.

“Were ye romantically involved with Dusty?”

“No, never. I worked shoulder to shoulder with him for two years and never really knew him. Molly and I drove him home the last day before he left for school. We pulled up to a house and I didn’t know if his parents lived there if they were alive, any brothers or sisters, nothing. I am very skilled at not letting people in, ever. But you changed all that, like an avalanche my life filled with people like Molly, Lulu, Michael, Jason, Rupert and Angus, and now Steve and his father. Christ my life has changed so much I can hardly believe it, and it’s all your fault.”

Jamie was listening intently. Claire didn’t talk much about who she was inside and how she got that way and he wanted to hear more.

“Why?”

“After my parents died, I didn’t seem to belong to anybody. People fed me and gave me a bed, but I didn’t belong to them. I would lay in their strange bed at night and cry for hours, watching the door for my own father to come in and rescue me. Every night I watched the door and waited for him. I felt like that little girl again when the FBI terrorized me for hours, locked me in a fifty-degree room with no chair or couch, and only the cold concrete floor to lie on. When I felt your arms slide under me and carry me out of that torturous building, it finally happened, someone came for me.”

Jamie’s heart nearly broke thinking of that tiny girl alone in the world. He leaned toward her ear, “it was two years before I saw ye again, Sassenach.”

“Well, ha, Isobel walked in on me getting out of your shower and morphed into pure evil. So I dodged your requests for a while but when you called about Runner I couldn’t stay away. It was pure luck that I checked the dam’s wing when I did and found the dead mare. As it was, we raced to beat the seconds he had left before he expired inside his mother. Since I was responsible for him being on this earth, I wanted to help him if I could.”

“Did ye know I slept with ye half the night after gettin ye from the FBI? Ye wouldn’t warm-up, it was the only way I knew.”

“I remember every conscious minute to this day, including your hand pressing into my stomach and running down my leg before you jerked awake and ran back to your room.” Claire was laughing.

“Ah, ye felt that, did ye? Sorry Sassenach.”

“Don’t be sorry, I loved it! You were my hero for what you did, and I tucked the memory in a special place in my head so I could keep it forever.”

Jaime lifted her chin to look in her eyes, “ye fascinate me, love.” He kissed her deeply before she jumped out to let him get back to work. She felt different inside. Happier, closer to Jamie and the feeling stayed with her through a hot shower and her walk to the barn. When she saw Jamie, the look in his eyes said he felt it too. Remarkable, she thought, she dropped her past like an old novel, but Jamie was hungry to hear about it. And what a lovely outcome.

Jamie handed her a lead as they approached the pasture fence and watched Runner and Porcelain gallop toward them from the other side. A safe distance from the fence Porcelain dropped to a trot and so did Runner who accepted the lead and walked like a gentleman back to his stall.

As they were leaving, Porcelain decided to make her unhappiness known by kicking at the corral gate of her stall with a lonely whiny. No consoling would help her calm down. She was done being alone.

“There you go Romeo, yer girlfriend is right beside ye now. Mind yer manners, aye?”

Jamie put his good arm around Claire and smiled to himself. “I’ve made some decisions about the rest of the day. You are to pick something on Netflix while I go pick up a large pizza and a dozen wings. Ye can eat in yer wee robe and fall asleep in my arms if ye want. How does that sound?”

Claire ran to Jamie’s truck and jumped into the passenger seat, staring at him like, hurry up!

Slow summer days stretched ahead of them. Two or three days per week Claire would tie hanging apples to the tree branches out in the pasture and leave sugar cubes on the fence in different places to keep Runner looking for treats. Steve and Jason built the breeding shed with pointers from Steve’s father now and then. A dedicated mares wing was outfitted to house the broodmares who would stay there for breeding and one stall was converted into a lab for medical equipment and on-site testing. The enormity of this undertaking was becoming clear, but time was on their side.

Jamie made improvements to the house and on one occasion demonstrated how he mounted a sixty-inch television in a newly built recess in the wall and covered it with a huge picture on side swing hinges. Claire clapped and kissed, very impressed with his ingenuity. She looked around the large room that had always felt cold and sterile to her.

“Jamie, what do you think about this furniture? Did you and Isobel pick it out together?”

Jamie chuckled, “I hate it and had no hand in choosin it. Isobel hired some decorator, and this is what they came up with. When I built the chess table, Isobel moved it to the garage. That was the first time I told her to find her own place to live. After that she allowed it in the house but always hated it.”

It became Claire’s project to order and collect all the decorating and architecture magazines they could look through for ideas. She would spread them out on the bed, and they would both make a gallant effort only to hear them crackle under the weight of two athletic bodies chasing their passion or lay sound asleep on top of them.

By mid-July, there was a new trainer in residence bringing seven two-year-olds and seven handlers with him. Boot camp for the yearling races was in full swing by August. It brought the energy of horse racing and the Road to the Kentucky Derby back to the compound, infecting the whole crew.

“I don’t think I need to eat anymore, love. I can exist on the energy and excitement alone.”

“I miss your bur and contractions sweetheart,” said as she hugged him. “Why do you try so hard to lose them?”

“That is a long and boring story for another time. I’ve come for ye to talk sense into Runner before I have to. He’s watchin the yearlings race each other and pressin his chest against the pasture fence. I have to replace a whole section, so c’mon and fix him.”

Claire laughed as Jamie pulled her outside to his truck. It was a beautiful Saturday afternoon and spending some time with Runner was an excellent idea.

Claire loved these low- key summer days but when August came to a close, she hugged Dustin and cried before doing the same to Hope. She drove herself home that day and when out of sight she pulled over and cried in earnest.

The breeding room was finished, and Steve was leaving for the academy. Jason got moody because he would be shipped back to New York until February and he didn’t want to leave Lulu. When Claire asked if he would like to stay and assist her it seemed like a reprieve to him and he was very grateful.

As with Molly, Claire bit her tongue for the first month until Jason knew the routine. He would never be as good as Dustin, no one would be that good, ever, and she wondered why. She compared Jason’s actions with Dustin’s and realized that she was Dustin’s priority, not the treatment, or the horse. It would require someone loving her to the bone to be as good as Dusty was, and she would not wish that on anyone.

The onset of fall, with cooler weather and colorful foliage was the delight of Kentucky residents and tourists alike. Dogwoods and Sumacs turned red and purple, Sugar Maples were orange and red, Poplars and Hickories added yellow and gold. The dense forests of hardwood trees and the numerous lakes provided a romantic canvas for long walks, deep talks, and Jamie’s inspiration for a different future at Highland Brothers.

“We are blessed with a miracle horse. If he is fertile it will guarantee unspeakable wealth for the two of us. I have never been comfortable with that level of wealth especially when our crew will never see such comforts. My memory fades from the early days in Ireland working at a stud farm. It’s a huge operation and we will need all of them to pull this off.” He stopped and pulled her into a hug. “Runner can change two lives or six lives. What say ye to that?”

Claire’s smile was beaming when she jumped up and wrapped her legs around Jamie’s waist, punching the air above her head yelling yes! Her generous heart was just fed a super-size of glee and she hopped along the trail until her feet became obedient again. Jamie laughed at her sparkling happiness until she pulled him to her with a very serious face.

“Jamie, I know we have much to do but I have one request. Will you dance for me tonight?”

He ran his finger over her jawline, “I will.”

For the next four weeks, they worked on the business plan almost every night. Jamie met with stud farm owners that were very generous with their time and education. He showed humility and an eagerness to learn and kept a diligent log of each meeting. Claire met with fertility vets and was treated to a cart blanch atmosphere from her peers. They shared protocols that had worked for them and Claire let her gratitude show. The first Saturday in December they hosted a workshop.

There was a full breakfast spread before starting and hot coffee that was refreshed throughout the day. Jamie started with a quick explanation of the business plan, and an overview of each person's role.

“Lulu, yer the first contact and qualifier for serious inquiries. Through phone or by mail, yer the one to decide which mares make it to my desk. Don’t be scared,” said chuckling at her white face, “we’re gonna teach ye. There will be a mountain of information arriving on each mare, Sire and Dam lines, registration copies, genetic profiles, test results, vet checks, fertile histories, racing history and foal statistics. That is yer domain and it’s essential.”

Lulu’s eyes were tearing, and she shook her head side to side, “I can’t be responsible for all that, what if I mess everything up?”

Jamie’s face softened at her fear. “I have never met a grid brain more suited to this task. What was Tacitus’s last race, how did he do?

“Aqueduct, second place.”

“How did Code of Honor do and where I wonder?”

“Breeder’s Cup, seventh place.”

“What are Tacitus’s earnings so far?”

“Six hundred thousand.”

“Who told ye to memorize those stats?”

Lulu blushed crimson and looked around defensively, “no one.”

“If ye don’t see it in yerself, lass, trust me, yer the best for this job.”

“Rupert, Angus, ye do transport, bed and breakfast ID checks, turn-outs, follow special feed instructions, and handlers in the breedin room…”

Jamie stopped while they joked about having such a hard job. “Seems easy ye say. There will be five to seven mares with us rotatin in and out for four months, some look identical, if ye return a mare to the wrong owner we sell Runner and close this operation down. Can’t recover from a mistake like that. The mares are your responsibility gentlemen if ye turn out six hormonal mares and they have a throw down out there with no one to stop it?” Jamie paused while the ramifications sunk into their brains. “I trust ye with my life, now I’m trustin ye with theirs.”

“Jason is the manager at stud so questions and concerns go to him and he will make any changes needed.”

Rupert and Angus were wondering if they could eat more, Lulu was bursting with pride over her boyfriend, and Jason’s self-esteem swelled knowing he would head up this huge endeavor.

Claire went next and gave a biology lesson in equine conception, what it meant to cover a mare, how they would use technology and medicine to bring on the mare's estrus, confirm ovulation, and then verify fertilization.

“Adding to the tasks Jamie mentioned, Rupert and Angus, you will be in the breeding room for every cover. One holds the mare, the other collects the semen that leaks out when he jumps down. I will teach you both how to do this properly.” Claire couldn’t help laughing at their green faces.

“Runner is unproven, so we take it easy this first year. The mares that are chosen to breed will arrive spaced out through March until late May. When they arrive, we run tests for health and fertile readiness. I will bring them into estrus with hormones and hope to get ovulation so they can breed. After that, we watch for fertilization using ultrasound, or breed again. The mares return to their own farms pregnant and then we get paid, not a cent before.”

When they stopped for lunch Claire ran for the doorbell. She stared at Michael who held up a hardback book with her and Runner on the cover crossing the finish line. The title read, Midnight Runner A Champion for the Ages. The tears came in sobs as she hugged him to her, and Jamie extended his hand when she finally let go. He handed the book to Claire and was led into the kitchen where the whole crew was there to greet him. He was stunned and very happy to see everyone.

Claire sat with the book on her lap while Jamie wrapped up the meeting answering questions. He could see Claire was in another world wanting to read the book more than she wanted to breathe.

“I want to wrap this up with the best part and thank ye for accepting the extra chores and responsibilities we gave ye without question. Yer good people, loyal and hard workin. This operation will flourish if ye work together as a team, help each other when needed, give support and encouragement, and do yer individual jobs like it was yer own company, yer own money on the line. Because it is. If Runner is infertile or has a poor breedin outcome, then I alone suffer the initial investment and ye get yer regular pay. I don’t think that will happen, so I’ve set my attorney to write up a profit-sharing plan. Your hard work and integrity will pay off. If the profit is there, and it will be, you get a piece of it.”

“How much of a bonus Jamie?” Rupert smiled and waited.

“As we said, the first year will be very low key while we prove Runner’s ability and we all learn the business. A conservative number…” he held up a piece of paper with $50,000.00 on it.

Angus chuckled, “not bad to start, ten grand extra each year will be nice.”

Jamie held up his hand until he had their attention. “Each. The second-year and those that follow…” he wrote numbers on another piece of paper and held it up. $200,000.00 to $300,000.00. “Each.”

There was a stunned silence as four sets of eyes stared at the paper. Each of them knew Jamie to be an honest man of integrity. Never boastful, never wrong. They filed out of the house trying to say something intelligible as they continued to process the numbers Jamie showed them.

When the meeting ended, Michael stayed and chatted while the food was put away and the house put back in order.

“What are yer plans Michael?” Jamie noticed Claire was peeking at the pages while he and Michael talked.

“I have a book signing tour for the next four months because the publisher believes it will be a best-seller. If it’s not, the tour will surely end early,” said laughing. “I would love to assess Runner tomorrow if you don’t mind. I know he is still here because I talk to the receptionist every month or so.”

“I feel great pride in ye laddie.”

“So does my father, a blessing I never expected when I started all this.”

Jamie drove Michael back to his hotel later in the day and Claire was finally alone to start reading Michael’s book. She turned the first page almost shaking with excitement.

‘Dedicated to the bravest woman I have ever known, risking life and limb through every race so Midnight Runner could be the champion he was born to be. Midnight Runner will never be forgotten, and neither will you, Claire Beauchamp.’

The book landed on the bed as Claire ran to the bathroom for tissues. She cried so hard and wrapped her arms around her middle like she would die from the emotion. Every terrified day came rushing back in her memory. The day she prepared her speech for Jamie, telling him she was done and would not race Runner. The gate crash in their first race that almost toppled Runner, to her certain death. The crippling fear being loaded into the gate at the next race, so sure she would die this time. Runner telling her she would be a winner on him, telling her when to tuck, gloating after the race, seeing no other horse in front of them when they crossed the finish line. Her deafness, hearing only Runner breathing as she stretched her arms forward with every stride.

She processed the memory of every race and realized that Runner knew he would win, always. His only weakness was the race in the rain when she took over the race and he put his faith in her to guide him. Runner knew he was a champion and he proved it at Belmont with a thirty-one- length win for the Triple Crown. All he needed was a rider to make his claim in history and he chose her.

It was the first time since winning at Belmont that she considered all the private moments, the struggle against her fear, the elation of winning, and her emergence as a jockey with a single-minded determination to win it all, even if she lost Jamie in the process.

She picked the book up again, almost fearing the emotion it would invoke and turned to chapter one. Michael wrote from his point of view, so she was reading a different story than her own. She was fascinated.

She read how Michael tried to hide his excitement in that first meeting at Aqueduct after they fired their trainer. His effort to overcome his introverted personality and accept the offer to come to Kentucky. When Claire read the details about Rupert disclosing her gift after almost strangling Michael in the middle of the night and his desperate attempt to escape what he perceived to be lunatics on a remote farm, she lost it. The book hit the floor first followed by Claire, on her hands and knees laughing until she cried and struggled to breathe.

Jamie stood in the doorway to their bedroom and watched his wife laugh until she dropped her butt on the ground and leaned back against the bed, wiping her tears.

“This is hysterical Jamie! Reading about Michael’s midnight walk to the barn in the dark, Rupert accosting him from behind, telling him I discuss the odds with Runner. He thought we were all crazy and looked for a way to escape!”

“What chapter are ye on?”

“Page two actually.”

Jamie had secretly dreaded what Michael would write. Hoping he would be kind to Claire and not write a tell-all gossip book full of half-truths.

“I have been worried he might write something unsuitable.”

“Well, I will be sure and let you know if I read anything unsuitable.”

She pulled Jamie toward the shower pulling her own clothes off so she could join him under the suds. When she covered him in soap her arousal jumped into the one-alarm fire zone which could be ignored since Jamie had some work to do before bed tonight. She put on her robe and jumped on the bed to keep reading. In ten minutes she was daydreaming and put the book away. She stretched languidly watching images of Jamie between her legs driving her crazy. It was now a two-alarm fire and her heart was racing.

Jamie was recording expenses in his ledger by the light of a single lamp on his desk. He felt it. A low-level electric current that made the hair on his arms and neck stand up. He felt her arm across his shoulders and looked up into steamy whisky colored eyes that he was powerless to disobey. She nudged his chair so he would slide it back and she pushed his work to the side sitting directly in front of him. Jamie stood up and pulled her mouth to his by his grip on her hair, tasting blood in his mouth when she bit his lip. He continued to assault her mouth letting his fingers touch her thighs and stomach lightly until she moaned in complaint. It was a blazing three-alarm fire burning her core and stealing her breath.

Jamie stopped suddenly and stood above her, watching her breasts bounce while she panted, eyes just slits looking up at him. She looked like a wild cat sizing up her pray and the electric current he felt started to buzz in his balls and up his spine. She reached for his mouth to kiss him, but he put a hand on her chest easing her down to lay across his desk. He could see the whole lower floor twenty feet below them and wrapped her hands around the wrought iron safety barrier. He pulled her knees up and pushed them apart before sitting down in his chair where he would take his time tasting and teasing her. Claire moaned with her first orgasm and, he let her slippery pulsing pull him in. He did not move until the pulsing stopped and her eyes opened.

“Turn your head to the side and look down Sassenach. You mustn’t let go.”

Claire felt her stomach do flip flops when she looked over the edge into the floor below. As Jamie’s arousal increased, his thrusting pushed her ever closer to the edge. She lost focus of the perilous drop-off and gave in to her lust, moaning loudly and watching this brute take her roughly. Jamie stepped away from her and carried her to the bed where he lit a candle. He poured a whisky for each of them and watched her.

She’s a purring wild cat now until I remind her of my power, he thought and dropped his head to her core to lick her once. Her face looked a bit shocked. He sipped his whisky and without warning dropped to her bud and sucked it into his mouth for a few seconds and then sipped his drink raking his eyes over her perfect curves. There was a third lick and a fourth, and the purring stopped. Jamie’s heart was ramming in his chest at the way she looked at him like she would sink her teeth into his neck if he didn’t ease her pain. When he did, it was forceful and commanding, followed by brutal thrusting that nearly cost him control.

He stretched his body over hers and looked at her with such love it almost stopped her heart. The wild cat gave way to an open-hearted woman who wrapped her love around his soul and kissed him softly. When he moved in her again it was softly as he told her of the most profound love and devotion and then he kissed the rolling tears from her face.

Claire snuggled into Jamie’s arms with a deep sigh. He figured she would read all night, but the book laid on her side table forgotten. He kissed her forehead and smiled in the dark.

[tf-imagines]

TFP Knockout and Self-Conscious Reader

Knockout was no expert when it came to humans. Far from it, in fact. However, he at least liked to think that he understood you well enough to be able to tell when you were unhappy. You were quiet, tense, and more closed off. He noticed how you looked at the images of other humans, who he could tell were being praised for their beauty. It didn’t take an expert to put the pieces together, making him frown in concern. He’s no stranger to insecurity, and he can pick it up from a mile away.

“Hey Gorgeous.” He started, wanting to get your attention first, to ensure you don’t miss what he says. Once you’re looking at him, his expression softening as he leaned against the table in his lab, offering you a servo to climb into. “Don’t go comparing yourself to them, you’re perfect as you are.” He assured, holding you up to be optic level. 

You clearly didn’t believe him, looking away and towards the pictures you had been looking at “I don’t look anything like them though…” You mumbled, face heating up and shoulders slumping. 

The large red mech scoffed “Of course you don’t, because you aren’t them.” He said, hurrying to continue before you try to take that the wrong way “You’re you, and you look like you’re supposed to. Who cares if you look like what your society markets as beautiful? What matters is if you can be happy with yourself. That you do things for you, not for someone else.”

He went silent for a bit to let that sink in, his expression soft as he watched you, hoping that he was doing this right. “Look at me. I have a ground mode on a ship full of fliers. Why?”

You waited for him to continue before realizing he wanted you to try and guess. You thought it over before remembering what he said once, when asked about that very thing. “You like the way you look in steel belted radials?” You guessed.

Lighting up, the mech nodded happily “Exactly. Because it’s what I like and what I want. It makes me happy to be who I am. I went with a red paint job because it made me happy, it made me stand out and that’s what I wanted. I got upgrades because they made me happy. When it comes to my appearance, I do what makes me happy. It wasn’t easy to learn to be this way, it comes easier to some than others...but I know you can do it too.”

While you trust the doctor currently holding you a few stories off the ground, you doubted him with this. Surely you couldn’t be happy with yourself as you are?

Picking up on this, Knockout continued his attempt at a pep talk. “Do you really think that I would allow myself to become so close to someone I deemed ugly, or wrong, or not beautiful?” He had his optical ridge raised, practically daring you to say yes. When instead you shook your head, his expression softened once more. “Exactly. So I see you as gorgeous, amazing, and worth so much...no matter what standards you may be held to by your society. You are you, and no one should expect anything else. And if someone tries to get upset that you’re happy as yourself, well...I always have room on my table.” He said, a sinister smirk coming across his face plate.

You couldn’t help but laugh a little, eyes watering as you smiled up at the mech. It meant a lot, coming from him...after all, if anyone knew beauty, it was him. It would take time, and a lot of work, but maybe he was right...maybe you really could be happy with yourself.

[bishielurvmaxxie]

10 Things I’ve Let Go and How This Has Set Me Free

By Sara Fabian

“I do not fix problems. I fix my thinking. Then problems fix themselves.” ~ Louise Hay

Looking back on my life, I came to understand that perfection was my worst enemy. I was raised in an environment of high expectation, and every day in school felt like I was competing with others and fighting to be the best in class.

At the age of ten I believed I was stupid just because my brain couldn’t work out physics and math. I was good with literature, arts, and foreign languages, but that wasn’t a sign of brilliance in the Eastern-European culture that shaped me.

Much later, as a grown-up woman, I didn’t see myself as good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, or successful enough. I felt unworthy of being loved by a wonderful man, unworthy of getting a good paycheck to reflect my skills and talents, too unworthy to apply for a tempting position at work.

My life looks completely different today, and I embrace the new me with much gratitude and joy. I love myself as I am. I am happily married and doing what I was born to do in the world.

So how did this shift happen?

I can recall myself feeling overwhelmed after a long meeting at work, and looking for some inspiration to help me release the stress and feel better. As I was searching for The Secret movie on the YouTube, I “accidentally” opened another video that went straight into my heart: You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay.

Today, I know that was no accident. The teacher shows up when the student is ready—so true! I was so touched and absorbed by that movie, I couldn’t stop watching. Listening to Louise was pure magic; every single word went straight into my heart. I finally felt home, in a space where it was perfectly okay to be me: “I love and approve myself as I am. I am whole and complete and life loves me.”

Over the next year, I discovered the work of other enlightened souls—Wayne Dyer, Byron Katie, and Don Miguel Ruiz—inviting me to precious moments of self-reflection and deep learning. Their teaching helped me to let go of old thinking patterns and cultural limiting beliefs that didn’t serve me well.

After much trial and error applying their wisdom to my life, I have found a new sense of freedom. Here’s how:

1. I’ve let go of the need to be perfect.

I am perfectly beautiful and beautifully imperfect, and this is what allows me to be me.

Perfection is an illusion—it doesn’t exist. I stopped stressing myself out trying to be perfect and now I am always aiming for “good enough.” I have learned to embrace my mistakes as much needed opportunities for growth, blessings in disguise that make me wiser. If I fail at anything, it doesn’t mean I’m a failure, because I am not what I do. Sometimes we win, sometimes we learn. We never lose.

“Your best is going to change from moment to moment: it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz 

2. I’ve let go of the need to be busy all the time. 

Being in a rush isn’t a sign of virtue. I have learned to listen to my body, and I no longer feel guilty for doing nothing. I know I sometimes need to recharge the batteries of my body and soul, and I don’t feel like I owe anyone any explanation for doing that.

If I don’t have time for myself, I make it. Watching a good movie, listening to relaxing music, reading a good book, singing, taking a walk to connect with nature—I do whatever makes my heart sing.

“I am a human being, not a human doing. Don’t equate your self-worth with how well you do things in life. You aren’t what you do. If you are what you do, then when you don’t…you aren’t.” ~Dr. Wayne Dyer 

3. I’ve let go of self-criticism.

I pay attention to my inner talk; I don’t call myself names, and I treat myself with dignity and respect. I stopped telling myself things I would never tell a good friend. I am enough, whole, and complete.

I have come to understand that in life, we don’t get what we want. We get what we think we deserve. That’s why it’s necessary to believe in ourselves and see ourselves as enough and worthy of the best things life has to offer.

“You’ve been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise Hay

4. I’ve let go of blaming.

I now know that each time I blame someone else, I am making myself a victim. Blaming others for taking my time, my money, or my love is unfair, because I always choose how much I give and to whom. No one can hurt me or upset me without my conscious (and often unconscious) consent.

Instead, I now take responsibility for the way I feel, act, and think. I am in charge of my actions, and I know my future is the result of my current choices. I am what I believe and whatever I choose to be.

“All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, it will not change you. You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.” ~Wayne Dyer

5. I’ve let go of judging.

I know that everyone is on their own journey, and my job is to focus on my own. I also know that each time I am judgmental with people, I’m reacting to something that bothers me about myself. If I believe you are mean, it means I can also be mean; how could I see that in you, otherwise?

“Placing the blame or judgment on someone else leaves you powerless to change your experience; taking responsibility for your beliefs and judgment gives you the power to change them.” ~Byron Katie

6. I’ve let go of making assumptions about what other people feel, want, or think.

I am not them, so there’s no way to know what they’re feeling and thinking.

I stopped making up imaginary scenarios and letting my mind play with me. Each time I find myself disturbed by what people do or say, I know it’s time for a reality check.

From “The Work” of Byron Katie, I’ve learned to examine the thoughts that trouble me and ask myself: “Is that true?” Many of my assumptions likely aren’t. For example, I might assume someone doesn’t like me, when really she’s just having a bad day. Or maybe she’s just shy. Not everyone is the same.

The moment I realize I can’t know what this person thinks, simply because I am not her, my mind gets clear and I am able to meet her with an open heart.

“I found that my unquestioned assumptions were the cause of all war and all peace in my world.” ~Byron Katie 

7. I’ve let go of competing with others.

I now know that my need to fight is nothing but my ego’s scream for self-validation. I don’t need anyone to lose any game so that I can feel good about myself. I love harmony, collaboration, and win-wins.

I’ve stopped comparing myself to others. I choose to connect with people from a place of love instead of fear, and I believe in abundance. I choose to believe that we live in a supportive Universe, where there is enough of everything and for everyone, including myself.

“Love is cooperation rather than competition.” ~Dr. Wayne Dyer

8. I’ve let go of chasing happiness.

I no longer project my happiness into an imaginary future, hoping that someday, when I have that job, that house, that car, that success, I will be happy. I have learned to find happiness in the small pleasures of life, and I embrace the only reality that is, the present moment, with gratitude and much joy.

I stopped waiting for the weekends to feel like living because each day is a gift and every single moment is precious and equally important.

The day I shifted my focus from stressed to blessed, everything changed. I am thankful for everything I am and for everything I have: a healthy body and mind; a loving family; a few genuine, last longing friendships I’ve made over time; and a job I love and believe in.

“I have noticed that the Universe loves gratitude. The more grateful you are, the more goodies you get.” ~Louise Hay

9. I’ve let go of worrying about the future.

I accept that there are things in life that I cannot control, no matter how hard I might try. Each time I find myself worrying, I keep telling myself “Time will tell.”

I might not always get what I want, but I know I always get what I need. I trust the flow of life, and choose to believe we live in an intelligent Universe, where everything unfolds perfectly. Sometimes in life, even the time needs time.

“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it…it’s just easier if you do.” ~Byron Katie

10. I’ve let go of pleasing others.

I no longer seek external validation so that I can feel liked or accepted. Worrying about what others think is a waste of time. Other people’s opinion of me is all about them and what they see in me, filtered through their lenses; it has zero to do with me.

I’ve stopped expecting others to give me what I wasn’t giving myself: love, care, and attention. Loving myself as a whole—body, mind, and soul—is not selfish. I keep my cup full of self-love, and I take good care of my needs and my heart’s desires.

I have learned how to make powerful choices for my highest good without worrying about disappointing people. People disappoint themselves by setting expectations for who they want me to be or what they want me to do.

Saying no to things we don’t want to do is a learned practice and a sign of self-care. If it sounds like a “should,” I don’t do it. I go for the things that feel like a want. My wants come from myself, instead of being imposed on me by others. I always choose how I am spending my precious time and with whom. I know my time is my life, and it’s never coming back.

My life is about me and I have the right to make my own choices. Life is to be lived, not existed, and I choose to live it authentically, with no apologies and no regrets.

“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” ~Don Miguel Ruiz

—

My self-transformation into the mindful person I am today didn’t happen overnight. It’s been an ongoing process that required continuous inner work.

Today, I am still a student at School of Life, and every day is a great opportunity for new learning. I know that I have the power to create my own reality, by the way I think. So I make sure I nourish my mind with healthy thoughts, knowing my mind has power.

And now, I would like to hear from you. Are you holding on to any of these things? What’s preventing you from letting them go?

Not mine. This was taken from tinybuddha.com and written by Sara Fabian.

[blueboxesandtrafficcones]

The Nuptial Necessity - Chapter 13

A 12xRose Human AU

Despite an unglamorous job description, Rose loves the work she does with The Thistle Foundation, a charity founded by her best friend’s great-uncle.  It doesn’t hurt that her boss, her friend’s father, is easy on the eyes.  With a great job, wonderful friends and a loving family, life couldn’t be better – except for having someone to share it with.

All of that is threatened, though, when the great-uncle dies – and sets a strange condition for his nephew to inherit, jeopardizing the Foundation and Rose’s future, sparking a chain of events that might just get her everything she dreamed of and more.

Chapters will be posted on Saturdays and Tuesdays.  Many thanks to my beta, @stupidsatsuma

Rated: Explicit, for eventual smut

@doctorroseprompts

AO3  |  Masterlist

—

Friday - the wedding, pt 1/2

“Rose.  Rose?  Rose!”

“Hmm?”  Rose looked up, blinking, at the sound of her name.  She’d been engrossed in examining her fresh manicure, and by the exasperation in her mother’s voice, it wasn’t the first time she’d been called.  “What?”

Scowl firmly in place, Jackie huffed.  “What’s wrong with you? You look like you’re in space, and not on Cloud 9.  It’s your wedding day- why aren’t you happier?”

“I am happy,” Rose forced a smile, conscious of the woman behind her doing her hair.  “Everything’s lovely, it’s a gorgeous day.  I’m fine.”

Her mother narrowed her eyes, and Rose calmly returned the gaze; she’d learned long ago how to deal with Jackie when she got like this, and refused to flinch.  Eventually the other woman nodded, though she still didn’t look satisfied. “Fine.  Now, I was thinking-”

-

Wrapping her dressing gown tighter around herself, Rose wandered down the stairs to the first floor.  With the reception only a few hours away the floor was a bustle of activity, as the catering company’s waitstaff finished setting out tables and placing settings in anticipation of the dinner to come.  Trying to keep out of the way she crept into the room, standing in the corner to observe the goings-on.  One long table was set for thirty in an L shape, the longer section by the windows. A DJ booth was set up in the corner near her, with a fabricated dance floor set up to avoid scratching the original wood flooring.

Keeping to the wall she made her way closer to the table, stopping behind the chair designated for her after the ceremony.  When I sit there, it will be as Mrs. Malcolm Tucker, she thought.  Viscountess Gallifrey.

She felt nothing.

Even standing here, the morning of their wedding, looking at their reception space, it didn’t feel real, tangible.

Her heart hurt.

“Ma’am?”

Startled, she turned to find a nervous waiter next to her, a tray of teacups in hand, clearly setting them at the places.  “Sorry,” she mumbled, and they did an awkward half-dance moving around each other.

Suddenly overwhelmed by the seemingly-loud sounds of the setup, she fled.

-

Trailing her fingers along the shelves Rose breathed deeply, letting the quiet air of the library soothe her nervous energy.  It smelled of smoke from a wood-burning burning fire, fine whisky, old books – and Malcolm.

From her very first visit to the room, way back in her first year at uni, it had been one of her favorite spots on Earth.  She’s spent countless hours in the library at her parents’ mansion, but it hadn’t been until she arrived here, in a room that had served that purpose for literally hundreds of years, that it brought her the joy and comfort she’d always instinctively known she would find amongst books.  Each one promised an adventure, travels through space and time, without having to leave a cosy chair.

Nothing changed; no telltale creak of the door, no footsteps on the carpet, nothing to inform her senses, but all the same, she knew suddenly that he was there, from the spark of electricity that raced across her skin.

“It’s bad luck for you to see me before the ceremony,” she murmured, not lifting her eyes from the copy of Sherlock Holmes in front of her.

“I don’t believe in luck,” Malcolm murmured, so close she could feel the heat radiating from his skin.  “Besides, I’m reasonably certain that only applies to the dress, not the bride.  After all, I saw Missy the morning of our wedding.”

Rose’s lips twitched, and she arched an eyebrow at the shelf.  “You’re divorced.”

“Exactly.  If the bad luck bit was true, we would’ve been married for much, much longer than only five years.”

She laughed at that, reluctantly turning around to find him grinning just behind her, looking inordinately pleased with himself.  “I suppose that’s fair.  If you’re not careful, though, you’ll get a reputation as a five-year husband.  What will the next Mrs. Tucker think?”  The idea of him remarrying was enough to make her breath catch, her heart physically aching.  But she kept her smile, not wanting to go there with him in front of her.

“Oh, there won’t be another Mrs. Tucker,” he said breezily, momentarily freezing before clearing his throat.  “I mean, I wouldn’t- not again. Twice is enough for me.  I doubt I would ever meet anyone who could change my mind.”

It was just wishful thinking, a projection of what she wanted that to mean, but for a single heartbeat she heard a soft, wistful tone in his voice, one that said I’m not letting you go, I love you, promise me forever.  “I suppose we’ll see,” she sighed.  “Why’re you here, anyway?”

His brow furrowed, and she waited as he searched his memory.  “Oh! Apparently you’re worrying everyone; Clara thought you might’ve done a runner.”

“I’m right here,” she shrugged, crossing her arms tightly over her chest, painfully conscious that under her dressing gown, she wore only a slip and lacy lingerie.  (A girl could hope – she wanted to be prepared just in case the wedding night turned into a wedding night.)  “Not even wearing my trainers.”  She held a foot out for inspection, earning herself a chuckle when he saw her fluffy slippers.

“I see that.  Can we…”

Rose let him guide her to the plush sofa in front of the fireplace, delicately curling her legs under her and adjusting the hem of her robe for decency, though it didn’t help when his eyes lingered on her bare thigh for a moment.  “What’s up?”

Malcolm sighed, leaning back and running his hands over his face.  “You don’t have to go through with this,” he said, bluntly but not unkindly.  “I’m asking far too much of you, and would absolutely understand if you want to back out.  You haven’t been yourself these last few weeks, and I can’t bear to be the cause of your unhappiness.  Truly.”

“You’re not!  You’re not.”  The idea was so absurd that Rose couldn’t help but blurt it out, hurt but not entirely surprised that he’d drawn that conclusion; hadn’t Clara warned her he thought just that last weekend?  “It’s just… this isn’t what I had pictured.  Not that I’ve ever spent that much time planning my wedding, or my future, but…”

“I know.”  He smiled wryly.  “I never considered marrying again- I thought, after the divorce, that I would spend the rest of my life alone.  And that… was okay.”  His eyes softened, and he reached out, fingertips barely grazing over her knee before his hand settled firmly on the couch next to her, not quite touching.  “I realize this isn’t ideal.  I don’t want you to regret doing this.  But… I promise you, I am a good husband.  We’ve always enjoyed each other’s company, and… we make each other laugh, and smile, and at the end of the day, that’s what makes a marriage work.  It’s not necessarily about the- the physical.  They say ‘marry your best friend’ for a reason.”

Rose bit her lip to keep from smirking.  “And how’d that work out for you?”

“I got Clara, so, brilliant.  Come on- it can’t be any worse than your current situation,” he pointed out.  “Besides, blokes seem to love married women, maybe this is just what you need.  So, what do you say?”

She gave into the laughter, settling her hand on his and running her thumb over his knuckles.

“I suppose I say… I do.”

-

Malcolm stared critically at the reflection in front of him, tugging on the hem of the waistcoat before smoothing it down.  The clock he could just see out of the corner of his eye told him he had twenty more minutes until it was time to go down for the ceremony, and the longer he was left alone with his thoughts, the more jittery he became.  It was almost as if by soothing Rose’s fears he’d absorbed then, making him doubt everything.

This is the right thing, he told himself once again, narrowing his eyes at the glass.  She agreed to it, and I believe her – Rose Tyler does nothing she doesn’t want to do.  This will make both of our lives better- easier- and won’t change all that much.  It’s a signature on the line and that’s it.

His romantic heart, usually kept buried deep inside him, locked away since before his divorce, continued to bleed all over his sleeve.  Why doesn’t she love me?  It was a ridiculous question, of course, his rational mind knew that- the greater question would be why she would- if she did- but at the end of the day a small boy with taped-up glasses who was a bit too much of an odd duck for the popular kids still lived in his chest, wishing people would like him while doing everything possible to keep them at arm’s length, or further.  That was part of why he and Missy had gotten so deeply entrenched in each other – they’d spent most of their childhood each other’s only friend, and they’d mistaken that for love.

Sometimes he wished he could go back to his teenage self, awkward and gangly at fifteen and overly devoted to Missy, and tell him that what he felt wasn’t love, not real love, not the kind the songs and poems and books and movies were about.  That he’d know it when he found it, mid-forties and utterly enchanted with his assistant.  But, of course, if he did that, if he saved himself the heartbreak of an ill-fated relationship and marriage with Missy, he wouldn’t have his daughter.  His beautiful, precious, wonderful, awe-inspiring little girl, who pushed him to be better just by believing that he was.

And without her, he wouldn’t have met Rose.

“Dad?”

Startling violently he spun on his heel, nearly falling over in his surprise at being yanked so thoroughly from his thoughts.  “Yes?”

“All right there?” Clara asked, unable to full mask her smirk as she watched him from the door.  “You should be more comfortable.”

“I’m fine.”  Brushing his hands down along his coat, he crossed his arms.  “What do you want?”

“Nice.”  She moved inside, rearranging her expression to appear more sympathetic, but unable to fool him – her eyes still sparkled.  “Now, I need to talk to you, it’s serious.”

Sitting himself down on the bench at the end of his bed, he watched her arrange herself on the loveseat across from him.  “I’m all ears.”

“So, I was talking to the reverend about the ceremony,” Clara started, smoothing the skirt of her dress over her knees.  “And he said there’s this rule- it’s really stupid, and it really sucks.”

Malcolm’s brow furrowed, confused.  Despite her attempts at appearing severe and serious, her tells of lying gave her away- what she was lying about he wasn’t quite sure, but the way she covered her elbow confirmed it.  (Once of his great accomplishments as a father, in his own humble opinion, was convincing her as a little girl that when she lied, her elbow would turn green.  Somehow, despite becoming a teacher, she’d never realized the truth; it was a foolproof way of fact-checking any story, which frustrated her to no end as a teenager, unable to tell how he always knew she was lying.)

“Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

“Okay, so, he said that the best man isn’t supposed to really know the bride, or at least, not be close to her.  You know, for perspective, so he can properly advise the groom, that sort of thing.”

What?  “I don’t follow,” he said honestly.  Clearly she had a reason for this, but he couldn’t see the point – it made no sense.  Why not just say you would rather stand up for Rose?  That, he could understand- he was Clara’s father, but after more than a decade of friendship, she and Rose were the sisters the other had never had.  But why string him along like this, until ten minutes before the ceremony?

“I’m sorry, Daddy, I just… don’t know what to do.”  Her eyes sparkled, bottom lip clamped firmly between her teeth, and when her gaze trailed behind him, he frowned, though it was the voice that made him turn to look himself.

“I may be able to help with that.”

Without thinking Malcolm rose to his feet, staring at the doorway with his mouth open wide, unable to believe his eyes.

“Brigadier?”

[philalethistry]

WELP my birthday month was a bit of a rollercoaster ride. I thought about the cons of posting this but I’d like to record it, so that future me can look back and, depending on how the future goes, either feel validated or be glad that this is over. Warning: discussion of crappy mental health.

TL;DR Breakdown results in will to live and fuck current events I have a recliner

I’m going to start with today, Sept. 1, and work back, for reasons.

Today I drove to a furniture thrift store. This doesn’t sound like much, but I A. hate driving, especially to new places, B. am already in a pretty anxious state, and C. I got lost because the road I wanted to turn on wasn’t marked, nor looked like a road rather than an alley, and so I somehow spent two hours trying to find one store. (At one point I had to stop and get something to eat because I had started shaking. The cashier watched me struggle to free two bills from my wallet and then declined the change I owed her to avoid making me retrieve that too. I wonder if she thought I was high...)

The important thing about what I did today, is I went out to find the store, and even when I did not find the store and ended up circling back to my street, instead of going home and having a sandwich and watching Youtube, I turned around again. I know it’s partially because of this video’s explanation of why one gets more nervous trying to do something a second time after procrastinating or running away from it, as I’d always pin the anxiety on my guilt, instead of a fear instinct which is more managable. But I’m going to give dopamine where dopamine is due and also say that my eventual victory was partially because of the newfound strength I have in the aftermath of the freak mental storm that enveloped the start of August.

I know that no one is doing “””okay””” right now, because of Everything, and that is nicely validating, because I am not okay either. But it’s dissonant, because I’d often follow the lead of neurotypicals and high-functioning depressives and anxious people when I’m in a bad way. If THEY say things aren’t as hopeless as I think they are, they probably aren’t! While that helped, it also downplayed my brain issues, and now that everyone has the same opinions on the State of Things, I realized I didn’t have any idea of how to confront the bad shit on my own, and neither does anyone else.

I’m technically still quarantining by refraining from making a lot of trips out and from getting a job, and so the murky pea-soup fogs of the future unsettle me. I was pretty chipper for the larger part of quarantine, as an introvert. Then one day, the thought suddenly occurred to me of the sheer amount of time I’ve spent in quarantine, how COVID isn’t receding from Arizona, how I had to quit the first job I’d gotten in the face of anxiety and depression, of how much of my future rests on the coming election, and most of all of how I have no idea what my future holds, of where I’ll be five or ten years down the line. “In the same place” and “Somewhere else” seem equally intimidating.

And then hormones struck.

I’ve had bad depressive episodes; I’ve had bad days of anxiety; I’ve had bad PMS; and then I’ve simply indulged unhealthy negativity. All of these, combined, made for a surreal and frightening experience. Emphasis on surreal. Also, contextually, emphasis on frightening, obviously. There were many feelings. Emphasis on everything.

My mental space may be a mess but I’ve never been too concerned with dwelling on life and death, even when faced with the latter. It’s never been a point of any interest to me; in the face of mortality I’m pretty good at giving importance to the present moment and to my internal values, like “science cool,” “mocha good” and “drawing fun.” In fact since childhood (third grade. Is this a normal third grader thing??) I’ve been a fan of cheerful nihilism, IE “There isn’t a secret meaning to the universe therefore I can give it any meaning I can make! Anything is possible, things are great!” I didn’t really grasp the concept behind existential dread, it sounded like something that happened to movie characters when the writers didn’t know how else to portray angst. Oh boy, do I have a new emotion I won’t be able to forget. My natural disaster of a brain supplied me, among everything I was already experiencing, three (3!!!) different categories of existential crisis. I had to look it up. And the weird thing about this Satan’s asscrack of an episode, is that while I’m prone to spiraling rumination, normally I can distract myself, because it’s still just me, thinking unhelpful thoughts. This time, these thoughts, the shittiest thoughts I’ve ever had the displeasure of producing, were automatic. I was not getting stuck pondering one bad topic; everything I saw became, in real time, entangled in the web of thought pattern in the most natural way. And it was LOUD.

Have you ever thought, “I’ll sit on the couch, the couch is comfy. The couch did not exist until a few years ago, its lack of existence had no impact on anything in any meaningful way, and when it turns to dust it will be forgotten.” Because I myself had a teensy bit of an inkling that maybe that ain’t normal. The thing is, I knew I was only feeling this way because, well, I Was Feeling That Way, it’s just the mood; but being stuck in isolation, and with everyone else also troubled by issues of the past, the present and the future, knowing that didn’t help.

I can remain in a depressive / anxious state for a little while, but the actual peaks only last at most a couple of hours. This was Mt. Everrest AND it lasted a week and a half. I was at the end of my rope a day in and had no idea what to do about it, so I tried to do everything. The physical present felt empty, so I tried to fill it with media, literature, art, walks, family time. Problem is, “anhedonia” - a symptom of depression where you don’t get dopamine boosts from activities - cuts pleasure out of these things, so nothing held my interest, let alone made me feel motivated or remotely better. Another symptom of depression, weirdly enough, is the feeling of disgust - I wasn’t conscious of this symptom until it was magnified. I felt completely and utterly repulsed by everything around me. I first thought it was the clutter, then the way the furniture was arranged, then I thought I’d been inside too long so I took walks in the neighborhood when nobody was out. The confusion came when I disliked the trees, grass, and fresh air too - I had to Google my feelings to find out what the heck was going on.

Which brings me to my bedroom. My room is littered with memorabalia, I’m sentimental so I have little shrines of items from the past and of things I value. Some childhood toys and a handful of old trinkets, shelves dedicated to Pokemon and Neil Gaiman’s work, some references to Chicago and Polish heritage. My unhappiness with the situations of the present, while strengthened to an totally unnecessary degree, weren’t all inaccurate - and in combination with anhedonia and disgust, and the way I’d integrated this memorabalia into my sense of self even though they aren’t really relevant to me anymore, I found that I really really didn’t like my past or reminders of it. In a shocking unpredicted turn of tables, I no longer wanted to uphold who I once was, because it isn’t who I am now, and it’s not who I want to be.

And the revulsion of the past and the uncertain emptiness of the present culminates in a future that I feared, another emotion booted up to eleven. There was a big need to make my future and remake myself. The only places left comfort could be found were ones I hadn’t yet looked. At the same time I became sad in a powerful but vague way and desperately lonely - this part was definitely all the feral hormones - and I became obsessed, for a little while, with making sure that, when quarantine ends, I would get my social life in order. I preemptively joined groups and clubs in my local area online, which I’m still going to make good on later but maybe not to the all-encompassing extent I had in my mind at the time. Also, career hunting. (Also also, to combat a lack of control, I wanted to get my own place - but with the economy like That, and my ass like This, big alone time while also being very poor and probably overworked is not the best of ideas.)

So. The freak episode ended. And I knew. Both during. And afterwards. That I Do Not Want That to Happen Again. To put it lightly. So now I’m trying to find an antidepressant that works for me. I’ve been medicated for three weeks now. Lower anxiety, not many mood swings, but still anhedonia, and the aftertaste of existential dread which will forever haunt me. I’m completely overhauling my bedroom, because it was messy anyway and has basically looked the same since forever which can’t be good for my mental health. So there’s going to be new bedsheets (chocolate), new curtains to kill sunlight because while I enjoy it outdoors it makes the room feel exposed since the window is groundlevel and faces the street, a whole ass recliner thrifted for only 20 bucks(!) to go in a brand new study corner along with a nice aggressively patterned brown rug, and finally the grody offwhite walls will be repainted a warm inviting brown that was named “spiced cinnamon.” No matter what happens, I look forward to spending the winter in the study, invoking a cozy comfort the Danes call “hygge,” and hopefully building my gallery or participating in my interests, including fandom, in another way. And, once my budget allows it, getting some fucking therapy, what the fuck.

[cherrywineandmagic]

Weekly Readings (9/15)

Weekly 1 card (or more) tarot readings for the signs. Check Sun, Moon, Rising. Predictions, advice, and general stuff to look out for. Come back at the end of the week and see if things make sense!

Disclaimer: This is a collective reading and therefore may not feel applicable to each individual. If the message does not resonate, it was simply not meant for you. Some signs will have longer messages than others. This is up to what the cards want to say.

Decks used: The Golden Tarot (Liz Dean) and Healing With the Faeries Oracle Cards (Doreen Virtue)

Aries - The Fool (reversed)

Are you rushing into things? You’re being a little reckless and not noticing how it’s impacting others. You can’t ever settle down if you’re constantly looking for adventure. If you find someone you genuinely like, maybe try and bring them along. Just watch out for risky behaviors. The excitement tends to be prioritized over your safety. Be careful when you’re running around because accidents are looming. Getting tired of old traditions? Explore new ones but don’t jump in until you’ve done your research. If you’re feeling restless take up more physical habits. A run around your block will do you some good.

Lesson of the Week: Body Movement

Taurus- Eight of Swords (reversed)

You had this card a few weeks ago but now it’s in reverse. You’re going to need to stand up for yourself. You might be caught in an environment where there’s unrelenting criticism to the point it can edge on abuse. Be strong and hold your ground. Release the anxiety that surrounds you when you think about doing so. Standing up for yourself is something you owe to yourself. If a job is making you unhappy, you can choose to walk away. Your abundance will flow once you’ve reached a place of positive energy. Save some money for the future. Speak to someone about the sadness that’s building up. Seek help. There’s courage in doing so. 

Lesson of the Week: Kindness

Gemini - Page of Wands 

Good news is coming your way! Watch out for letters, texts, phone calls, emails, etc. This week you’re full of ideas and energy and the need to go out and play! Embrace your inner child and go get messy. Embrace nature, go on picnics, visit the beach, take a hike, even simply play with your pets! A whirlwind romance might be headed your way. Think spontaneous, passionate, charming. All things that make you giddy.  If you’re planning anything business-wise, be sure that you’ve thought things through because sometimes that adrenaline rush will make you leap when you’re not ready! I know you’re curious and eager, but things also need a little stability!

Lesson of the Week: Magic of Nature

Cancer - The Sun (reversed)

Things are looking cloudy this week. You’re finding it hard to find the sunshine in your days and your energy is depleted. Be more consciously aware of the negative thoughts that you let in. It’s normal to feel sad, but also don’t let yourself fall into the trap that is pessimism. Work on manifesting positivity. If you’re feeling left out, voice that. Work on making new connections that’ll make you feel loved instead of continuing ones that frustrate you. Jealousy is not a great trait to have. Find a job that brings you joy instead of making you feel trapped. A little change in your mindset and your surroundings makes all the difference. 

Lesson of the week: Make New Friends

Leo - Four of Swords (reversed)

You’ve been hiding lately and now you’re finally gathering the strength to come out of isolation and into the world. Recovery is here. If you’ve had a mental breakdown, don’t fret too much on it. It happened. You’ll get better. You have to start taking care of yourself. Relationships that have been rocky are starting to heal. You are starting to heal. Accept help from those around you. Therapy is a good idea this week. Try out new methods with how to cope with stress and anxiety. Look to your past and indulge in things that once brought you joy. It’s easy to forget childhood loves, but you’d be surprised at how happy they’ll make you once revisited. Nurture your inner child.

Lesson of the Week: Inner Child & Healing 

Virgo - Eight of Cups 

There’s a situation that you’ve grown tired of. You’re finally realizing that you deserve better, and there’s strength behind that. Leaving bad situations takes courage. You deserve better, and you know that. I don’t have to tell you twice. You’re exhausted, lonely, and not feeling fulfilled. There’s nothing wrong for wanting something better for yourself. Beware of gaslighting and other forms of manipulation. Make sure you keep things in perspective. You know what you’ve given and if it was enough, so don’t let anyone try to convince you otherwise. People are quick to blame you when it comes to something failing, but this just isn’t the case. You deserve the world, Virgo, and you will get it. Don’t let toxic people make you feel bad for leaving situations they created. 

Lesson of the Week: Raise Your Standards

Libra - Ten of Wands (reversed)

Oh boy, you are going through it. There is so much stress in your body and you need to release it. Take a hike, do some yoga, go out dancing- anything that will help. You’re pushing yourself to your edge and if you don’t stop now you’re going to collapse. A meltdown is imminent at this point. Stop carrying other people’s problems. They are not your burdens. Allow yourself to say no. Put yourself first. I know you’re a people pleaser but you can’t help others when you’re feeling this overwhelmed. It’s not helping you to keep beating a dead horse. Don’t bite off more than you can chew. Don’t ignore signs of illness. Make yourself your priority. 

Lesson of the Week: Honor Your True Feelings

Scorpio- The Wheel of Fortune (reversed)

Scorpios! Why have we got this card AGAIN? Why are you resisting change so much!!! Your stubbornness is getting in the way of you moving forward! Please reflect on what’s going on inside of you and why you’re acting this way. You want the wheel to be upright and bring in all of that good luck! You’re only self-sabotaging now! There’s a reason you feel so stuck and that’s because you’re the one who’s refusing to move! Are you making the right choices? Stress can make you feel physically ill and that’s the last thing I want for you. Take control of your situations, learn your karmic lessons. Hardship is not meant to be lasting. Stop contributing to your own unhappiness.

Lesson of the Week: Be Honest with Yourself

Sagittarius - Four of Wands

The time for celebration is here! It’s like there are parties everywhere you look; weddings, baptisms, family gatherings, birthday parties. This week is all about feeling accepted and wanted among your little community. Sense of family is at an all time high, whether by blood or by choice, and it’s great to let go of any anxieties you’ve been having and simply enjoy the company! Past loves might reappear and someone might even be pregnant! Don’t freak out, it might be you, but it also just might be someone close to you! Don’t forget to let your hair down and sway to the music. Everything is great. Bask in it. 

Lesson of the Week: Peace of Mind

Capricorn - Knight of Pentacles

Have you begun to be more environmentally conscious? Are you feeling more drawn to nature this week? Inspiration can always be found among our mother earth, and she is more than happy to provide it for you. The stable ground beneath you is a mirror of where you’re striving to be. Take a walk, paint a landscape, or photograph some of the leaves that are turning different colors. You’ve been nothing but responsible lately and deserve some relaxation. There’s a father figure in your life who loves you. Remember that he just shows it differently, maybe by providing for you instead of expressing emotions, but his love is there nonetheless.

Lesson of the Week: Creative Expression

Aquarius - Knight of Swords

Change is coming and you’ll have to let go of that dreamy, idealistic state you like so much. This is the time to be assertive and quick-witted. Roll with the punches and show some leadership. You’ve been avoiding change for so long and keep thinking you can prolong your current state of living. Just because it’s comforting doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Seizing new opportunities only helps broaden your horizons! Release any resistance you have to this change. Jump in with both feet if the water is calling to you. Fight for that love. Let go of fear. 

Lesson of the Week: Letting Go

Pisces - The Magician

Fish are always on the move and that stays true for you this week my dear Pisces! You have all of your tools ready to go. Now is the time to start that new project, business, or whatever endeavor you’ve been meaning to chase after. Manifestation is key! You’ll be connecting to deeper levels of happiness, and might even find yourself mentoring someone else. Your love life shows positiveness with either entering stronger commitments or meeting someone new with good intentions. You know exactly what needs to be done so don’t hesitate!

Lesson of the Week: Follow Your Intuition

[neko-hd]

I don’t know what Okay is anymore

I am at a point in my life where saying that I am lost is almost an insult to how truly confused I am about everything. A year ago, I was perfectly content with the mundane life I had sought out. No drama, no bullshit, just me on my own in a new place with a job I enjoyed most days and some great friends. A year ago however, I was pretending to be fine when in reality there was so much more I had to deal with than I could ever imagine. Since I was about 18, there had been these voices in my head that I had just assumed were my conscious, one was distinctly different than my own voice, much older, wiser, probably about a 40 year old man. He was always trying to protect me I think, he knew things to do when I was freaking out. Sometimes when I was in situation where the pain was too much, I always felt like I disconnected from reality, like I was in the situation but I wasn’t. I felt nothing but I knew what was happening. Then there was this other voice, it sounded like mine but I always knew it was female, probably a little younger than me, I am 22, and it liked to get me in trouble. It would tell me to cut myself, that I needed to kill myself, that I should put myself in these very dangerous situations because I needed to get hurt. This voice has convinced me to do some bad things. It convinced me to cheat on my girlfriend with a man although I am a straight male. It told me that I wasn’t mad enough and I needed to know how it felt to be taken by a real man. It wasn’t the first time the voice had told me to do that. About once a year it would, when my confidence as a man was low, it’d tell me that I might not like it but you were made to be fucked by men because you’re supposed to be a female, if I don’t get fucked by men how can I pretend to know what being a man feels like. I never really felt in control so I would be in these situations and left crying and regretful, not fully understanding why I had to go through it. Why was it constantly doing something I hated? Why was I intentionally ruining good situations in my life? It wasn’t until this year that I dissociated and tried killing myself.  In all honesty it wasn’t the first time but I don’t tell most people that. I was afraid to admit I wasn’t always in control of my own body, that maybe something was wrong mentally. It’s crazy to have to explain how I am basically covering for the actions I don’t remember doing but I know they happened but my body did it. That sounds crazy right? I had a blackout yesterday and I was driving and right before I came back to being myself, a voice told me that I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I don’t know how to deal with it but I think in the next coming days I will have to face the fact that I may not be the only personality in my own body or, at the very least, that I hear voices in my head and they have major influence over my decisions. I am typing this here because I feel that I need a place to truly tell how I’m feeling. It’s hard to talk about it and most people, even if they don’t realize it, just say things that will benefit them. I’m exhausted from having to appease every person in my life who wants to help me when I am just trying to help myself. I’ve hurt a lot of people because I’ve ignored my own mental health. My best friend, who became my girlfriend now hates me because of this. She has a protective order against me even though I have never once been physically aggressive towards her. She’s just scared of me. And it hurts because I love her still to this day. I yelled at her once and only once. I thought she was lying to me so I yelled at her to stop lying to me. I am not a yeller but in moments when I am very angry, I black out for a few moments and a voice that doesn’t sound like mine explodes. I broke into tears apologizing but I could tell it mortified her. I feel like a monster with no control. I feel like I just hurt people, not physically but emotionally. I’ll be good for a while but something will happen and people don’t know how to handle it right. It’s not there fault but nobody listens when I say I need to leave because it’s not a good time. They just make me feel bad about wanting to leave and then I lose control and then they get mad or scared because of it. I wish people would learn that when I say I need a moment, it’s not because i’m running away, but because I’m trying to stay in control of my own mind, I need a moment to stay fully me. Vice versa, I wish if I was currently not myself, If someone else was behind the wheel of my mind, that people wouldn’t treat them with no respect because they think they’re mad at me. When that girl is in control, if that’s actually what happens, she gets scared by men. Men usually get loud when they’re insulted or frustrated and it doesn’t help. Sometimes I’ll apologize nonstop like i’m a child. I just want peace, maybe i’m ignorant and selfish but this way of life right now is scary and I don’t like it. I just want to go home but i;m not allowed to. Everyone is saying I’m too unstable but I don’t feel unstable all the time. Only when I’m triggered and I get triggered when I’m around a bunch of loud, yelling people. On the other hand, my ex is terrified of living in the same city as me so I feel like if I go home, even if I never see her again, I’ll be ruining her life by just existing. I feel depressed because i’m home sick but i’m called selfish If I want to leave. I keep getting told i’m running away. I keep getting told I wasn’t happy there, But I almost feel brainwashed sometimes into thinking I was unhappy. it sucks, everything right now sucks, I have a lot more to say.

[runs-in-the-family]

Get to know me meme

Thanks to @missroserose for the tag. Sorry to hear you’ve been poorly, dear. A triple assault of cold, eye infection and food poisoning is no one’s idea of a good time.

1. are you named after anyone?

I don’t...think...so? Legend has it that my parents left it up to my four older brothers to name me so I’m just lucky that I didn’t end up being named after a Man United player or a ThunderCat. Although, that second one seems a missed opportunity now...

2. when was the last time you cried?

Well. If we’re talking teary-eyed and choked up, that happens a lot, most recently last night while watching Wonder Woman with my niece and nephew because they both want to be Amazon warriors now and auntie was proud. But if we’re talking full-blown weeping, then last month, handing in the first chapter of my thesis. I broke down in front of my supervisor because of how unhappy I was/am with it. In my defence, that dam had spent weeks waiting to break.

3. do you have any kids?

Nope! Not for me, I don’t think.

4. do you use sarcasm a lot?

Not that I’m aware of. You’ve definitely given me something to become super conscious of though, thank you.

......

......

wait.

5. what’s the first thing you notice about people?

Honestly? Probably how much attention they pay to others in conversation. This might stem from having known some toxically self-involved people in my time but I’m always wary of people who don’t steer a conversation in any direction other than towards themselves. And I appreciate the irony of saying that in this post.

I like an active listener and people who invest an interest in others or try to establish a back-and-forth, find common ground, etc. I’m in no way talking about people who simply don’t thrive in social interactions. There’s a huge difference between what I’m talking about and people who are introverted or socially anxious. Or people who are simply In No Mood. My reservations are with people who just make no attempt to really engage with those they meet and, instead, keep the focus of conversation solely on themselves.

6. what’s your eye colour?

Blue. 

No additional notes.

7. scary movie or happy endings?

Are they mutually exclusive? If I have to choose, I love scary movies. Horror is my go-to genre for most mediums and I gobble up horror movies (to a degree - I’m not on board for a lot of slashers or exploitive gorno). This could easily descend into me talking about my favourite horrors or the horrors that fucked me up the most but we aren’t here for that, are we?

As for happy endings, I do love them, but to mirror what @missroserose said in her Get To Know Me, I want a satisfying ending. Whether that’s happy or sad depends on the story and as long as it fits the narrative, I’m happy.

8. any special talents?

Special talents? Uh...I’m very good at remembering when things happened, if that counts. I make great Hangover Scrambled Eggs™. I’m also pretty good at tutoring people. And I’m a really good auntie (the only one she says with conviction). 

9. where were you born?

Dublin, Ireland! In a hospital that my mother (as a repeat customer) affectionately refers to as “The Baby Factory”.

10. what are your hobbies?

I was recently reprimanded for listing my hobbies as “reading, writing and watching movies” because apparently that’s too generic? But I can not express to you how little of my free time is spent on anything other than reading, writing or watching movies. Having said that, I do routinely meet up with a group of friends to play board games and they’ve recently lured me into their sordid realm of tabletop RPGs, so that’s something. I'm also partial to a jigsaw puzzle. Because I am very old.

11. do you have any pets?

Alas, no. I’d love to adopt a little kitty friend but I’m not in a position to house any pets right now. 

12. what sports do you play/have played?

Oh no, sports and I...don’t. 

13. how tall are you?

5′4″. I has little legs.

14. dream job?

Getting paid to write is the dream of dreams but in the end, I just don’t wanna go back to a 9-to-5 office job. My spirit can’t take it. The current goal is film/TV production, though. 

15. favourite subject in school?

As a kid, it was English. As a teenager, History and Spanish. Out of my current classes, I dig Audio Production the most. I also had a Cultural Studies module a few years ago that I really enjoyed, it was a nice mix of gender studies, intro to psych, Marxist theory and everything else I needed to become an opinionated pain in the ass.

Tagging:  I know it's a cop out to say "anyone who wants to do this!" but if you actually read this whole thing, I am fascinated to know more about you. Truly. Having said that, I'll also throw it to @ravenclaw-90, @kiratierra85 and @relised because I really appreciate the kindness you’ve shown to my stuff in the past and I’d be delighted to know more about you, if you’d like to share.

[defenselesswriter]

i’m going to do a stream of conscious about my week under a read more 

it’s been a very difficult week emotionally. i’ve been extremely unhappy with my living situation (not at the people in particular? it’s one of those, i need my alone time and my own space and i’m so not getting it at the moment) and that’s taking a huge toll on me. plus it affects my current job a lot.

i’ve had a couple job interviews the last few weeks. haven’t gotten a second interview for either, and that’s been pretty discouraging.

i have like.... $20 to my name rn for a week and that’s super stressful for me. i’m not even exaggerating, i have literally no other funds coming in, no savings to steal from to feel a little more comfortable. that’s it. i’m very fortunate that my bills have been paid and i don’t have to worry about that for a bit. but it’s still a very stressful thing for as i have been very careful with my bank account balance since i was like 19 and over drafted my account a few times and had to ask my mom for money. i hate asking her for money bc she already does a lot for me. 

my parents are really serious about moving and selling our current house, which i think i’ve discussed here. i haven’t lived anywhere but this house since i was 5. that’s almost 20 years... and they’re looking to move out end of january next year. so like in 2 months. and i really really want my own living space, but i uh obvi can’t afford it even with hella budgeting. my current job pays very little. anyway.

i’m still job hunting. fingers crossed something comes my way. but i’m not sure i want to move right away once i get a full time, good paying position. bc daphne. she’s super used to me being home all the time. and when i’m not home i either take her with me or i’m gone for a few hours at most and someone else is home with her like my parents both of whom she loves immensely. so i need her to get used to me not being around 24/7 when i get a job outside of my home. 

then we’re moving houses. that’ll be a big change on her too. all of the houses we have looked at and will look at this weekend have giant backyards which is great bc that’s something she’s used to. 

so i wanna give her some time to adjust to that first before i throw her into a new environment, especially bc it looks like all i’d be able to afford is an apartment. she’s lived in an apartment before with her previous human, but she was a puppy then so that was a while ago. i think she’ll be okay in an apartment. i just don’t want to throw her through the change of me not being home all the time in an unfamiliar place. i wanna take things slowly and at different steps, letting her get used to the idea that i may be gone all day, but i’ll always come back at night and my parents and brother will still be around for her to feel comfortable. 

on the bright side tho, i have been feeling a lot better physically. walking has been easier and manageable. i can usually stay awake all day. i can’t always stay upright all day, but i have been mostly awake during the day with little to no napping. that has been really great tbh. 

tonight, i went to my little brother’s football game at a park that allows dogs, so i brought daphne along and she really enjoyed that. she got to meet a couple other dogs and humans and she did pretty well. halloween, she didn’t do very well with other dogs or humans when i sat with her outside in our front yard to hand out candy. so i put her inside, which she didn’t super like. she whined the whole time and stared at me through the windows. so i was a little surprised she did so well tonight. and now she’s spread out across my bed, sleeping. 

i honestly love her so much. she has brought so much joy and love and light to my life. she is my baby and she has my family’s hearts wrapped around her paw. 

but yeah. 

also another good thing bc i don’t want this to be me just complaining. i have been writing my single dad!stiles fic and y’all... i haven’t felt this way about my writing in a long time, but this story is really coming together and i’m really enjoying writing it. it’s a lot of fun. i’m really proud of how it’s turning out like i look back at what i wrote and think, “this is actually good”

i’ve showed it to a couple of incredible friends who have given me such helpful feedback and i can’t wait to share it with the world. i’m still sticking to i want to finish it before posting it. and finishing it means also doing a couple rounds of editing which i literally never do. not with fanfic. but i want this story to be as good as it can be bc it has a lot of potential for me. plus it’s a fun project. i’m remembering that writing is a fun activity for me and not tedious or boring or just straight up not a good time, bro. so finding my joy in writing again has been really, really good. 

but okay i’m done now. if anyone read through this all, i commend you and i love you. i also love the people who didn’t make it this far, but they don’t get to know that important info (;

[wildefiction]

Of Course...Mr. Collins

TWENTY-SIX

Over the course of the following week the atmosphere around the Collins’ home shifted. No longer did you feel like an employee, but more a member of the family. You'd often find yourself playing with West and Maison, even outside your normal work hours - the small body of a certain little girl currently wrapped around your right leg. Exaggerating your movements into making her think she was winning her game filled you with a funny sense of contentment. You found yourself thinking back to that fateful day a few months prior when Misha had come into your life, opening that heavy oak door and smiling up at you with Maison similarly attached to his ankles.

Stooping to lift the toddler from the floor, you were slightly taken aback when she threw small arms around your neck; the powdery scent of her soft skin filling your nostrils. “I lub you [Y/F/N].” The child beamed up at you, her primitive grasp of language softened the words, several syllables in the basic sentence pronounced incorrectly. The message was clear enough though and that small yearning in the back of your mind where your biological clock ticked awakened briefly.

Returning the sentiment, if only to appease the little girl, you pressed your lips to her temple - the fine flaxen hair smooth to the touch. Wriggling in your arms, you bent over to set her back on the ground. No sooner had she run off than a sharp smack landed on your ass; the brief jolt of pain lancing through your body quickly became waves of pleasure. Turning into Misha's arms, the man growled almost possessively, warm breath fanning across your neck “you're so good with my kids [Y/F/N].” 

Scoffing, your eyes rolled to the back of your head. Intent on laughing it off, you prepared to throw some witty retort back at the man. When you looked up at him however, the heat in his eyes made you shiver - words becoming lodged in your throat; your conscious mind buzzing with indecipherable babble.

“How do you do that?”

“Hmmm..do what?” Misha's nose was inches from your own, the strength of his arms wrapped around your waist holding you in place.

“Make me turn into an incoherent, babbling fool whenever you speak.” A soft chuckle his only answer before embracing you tighter, his lips descended upon yours and you were lost once again.

“Magic.” With a haughty smirk, he pulled away, drifting down the hall into his office.

With a resigned sigh, you turned towards the kitchen and found Vicki framed in the doorway.

“He's right, ya know.”

“Ugh, not you too..”, trying for a quick exit, the woman refused to move from her position. “Oh, alright, so they've grown on me. Happy?” Although there was an edge to your tone, it was in jest only and seemed to satisfy her curiosity.

A short time later, the two of you were reclined on the overstuffed sofa, the quiet buzz of a nature documentary playing in the background. Vicki's narrow fingers artfully combing through your hair had you on the edge of sleep, though it may have had something to do with the wine as well.

“Have you ever thought of having your own?”

Tilting your head back further into her lap, your Green eyes searched her dark ones. “My own what?” Internally you knew exactly what she meant, but you were trying to buy some time. One finely arched brow raised in skepticism, as she silently called your bluff.

“You look just like Misha when you do that.”

“Ha! Where do you think he gets it from?” “Seriously though...have you?”

You stopped to think about it for a moment, trying to decide how best to answer. Sure, you'd thought about it. Once upon a time. Previous relationships had stirred those maternal instincts, albeit briefly. You'd always been very good at stamping out those feelings though. You didn't want to bring kids into this world if you were going to be anything like your parents had been. Deciding to not dredge up your unhappy childhood seemed the best course of action, so you answered her as honestly and concisely as you could.

“Yes. Briefly.”

When you didn't elaborate, Vicki let it go with a resigned sigh. “If you ever want to talk about it, you know you can tell me anything right?” Patting her hand, you sat up and stood from the couch. “I get to have fun with Maison and West, and that's enough for me. Pretty sure I'd be a terrible parent, I can’t even keep plants alive.” With a nervous laugh, you took your wine glass and walked back into the kitchen, effectively ending the conversation, a concerned look spread across Vicki's features at your hasty retreat.

The following Thursday found you packing a suitcase once again in preparation for the California convention weekend. The last one of the year. While you adored the muted grey-blue sky of the Pacific Northwest, you were looking forward to a bit of sun. The contents of your bag were eerily similar to that of your first trip with Misha, and it released a flood of memories that you quickly succumbed to.

“What are you thinking about?” The velvet tone of Misha's voice cut through the vivid daydream, bringing you back to the present. You'd never tire of how affectionate Misha and Vicki were. Even the small hand brushes and quick kisses to the forehead showed you how much they genuinely cared.

“Ha, the sun!”

Smiling widely, his bright, beautiful eyes crinkling - he waggled his eyebrows, “you're bringing that little blue number..right?” “I mean, not that I don't love everything about you.. but I wouldn't mind a few people shooting me looks of jealousy when they see the most beautiful woman on the planet on my arm.” It was your turn to be skeptical. While you had zero issues with how you looked, it was a stretch to say you were the most beautiful woman on the planet. Especially with Vicki in the house. Laughing, you told him as much, “I think you've lost track of your senses Mr. Collins - what about your wife?” Nodding in thought, he was quick to agree, “must mean I'm doubly lucky then - I love two of the most beautiful women on the planet.”

He said it so matter-of-factly. Like there was no question. Had he realized what he just said? Twice?

Pensive, you went back to packing when he left the room. Only several minutes later did you realize you hadn't said anything back. Had he noticed? Did you love him? Them? Sure, you'd followed Misha for a few years before landing this job, and you certainly regaled anyone who'd bother to listen with a list of why he was, in your eyes, the perfect person; was it love though?

Misha had accompanied you back to the small apartment that you'd been spending less and less time at. Anymore, it seemed as if you were home only to check in on your cats. Your sister, who had finally come home after extending her trip for an additional several days was away on a business trip to Tennessee now of all places and so, the house was quiet.

When your bags were packed and stacked neatly by the front door, you turned to see that Misha had flopped down on your dilapidated old couch, his bare feet propped up on the wooden coffee table situated before it.

“Wanna watch a movie?” His head fell backwards onto one thick armrest, those gorgeous blue eyes of his drowning you with their intensity as a soft smile twitched at one corner of his mouth. For the first time, you noticed that both of your cats were curled up at the base of the couch, their thick bodies pressed against the back of Misha's long legs.

“I..wha- what is this sorcery?!” They don't like anyone..” Inclining your head towards the animals in question, you remained baffled as the enigma reclining on your couch shrugged nonchalantly.

“So..movie?”

“Uh, yeah..let me just order some grub, I'm starving.” Reaching for your back pocket where your phone had resided while you packed, you'd just pulled it from the denim when Misha chuckled under his breath.

“Already done.” “Pizza will be here in thirty.” “Breadsticks too.”

He was too busy flipping through the Netflix menu to notice the look on your face. Anyone who saw might've called it a look reserved only for those you love - the sigh of contentment you let slip masked by a cough. It was too soon to be in love with him - you couldn't possibly…

Clearing your throat, you made your way over to the couch, hands flying to land on your hips while surveying the filled space.

“And just where do you expect me to sit Mr. Collins? You and th-” a shrill screech punctuated the quiet room when Misha reached up, grabbed a wrist and pulled you down onto his lap.

A solid grunt from him let you know that he hadn't exactly thought out the decision either and it made you laugh, “serves you right..”

The words were whispered against his lips; a light nip at the corner of his jaw accompanying the admonishment. Struggling to get comfortable, you settled for draping your entire body over his - turning your cheek to rest against his wide chest. The steady thudding of his heart instantly comforting, the two of you settled in, Misha selecting one of your favorite Holiday movies.

Lifting your head with a curious expression on your face, you regarded the man who now smiled up at you.

“Since when do you like The Holiday?”

He only smiled in response, mumbling something about liking Jack Black in this particular role.

TWENTY-SEVEN

TAGS: @jamielea81 @wings-of-a-raven