#I don’t think this is logistically possible. but I can dream

[feathered-serpents]

“What’s the most specific daydream you currently have-“

It’s anywhere between two and god only knows years in the future. It is the night of the Good Omens season 3 premiere, I have managed to organize a fan premiere event where we are all able to watch all six episodes together in an actual movie theater. At least 200 people are there and it’s two minutes till showtime. I’m cosplaying Aziraphale. I get on stage (there’s a stage) and with the sudden charisma and confidence of god I announce the perfect way to kill these next two minutes. I begin to stomp-stomp-clap. The theater joins in. I lead us all in a “We Will Rock You” group jam with the EXACT vibes of that scene from the rain episode of Drake and Josh. On the line “Waving your banner all over the place” I walk into the crowd and flawlessly slight of hand a pride flag from behind a Crowley cosplayer’s ear. We reach the end of the song right as the page refreshes and a big “WATCH NOW” button appears on the screen. I throw the pride flag into the crowd like a wedding bouquet as my best friend in the projector booth presses play. It’s the best night of my life

Y’know. The normal things

[gay-dorito-dust]

I JUST SAW YOUR ONE WITH BILL POSSESSING READER AND OMG, adding onto bill possessing the reader and pushing them into the portal, can you do one where readers just like "fuck it, if I betrayed him and everyone thinks that might as well" and joins bill, I just think k it would be a cool concept, especially if Ford realizes way too late that reader was innocent.

I’m combining these who requests cuz they are practically the same.

Bill came to you the night after Ford had kicked you out of the shack in the form of a dream.

You didn’t even need to see him to know it was him, there was signs and the obvious one was when the birch trees opened their eyes to stare at you. ‘Bill.’ You said calmly.

‘My favourite fleshbag!’ Bill replied as he hovered in front of you, tipping his top hat towards you but you only looked at him blankly, having had your heart ripped out of your chest mere moments ago, that nothing was left from the encounter other then a dull ache where your heart should’ve been.

‘Hope you’re happy because I’m despised for the things YOU DID AS ME!’ You roared as you grabbed ahold of Bill with your bare hands and bringing him close to your face so that he could see the hurt, the betrayal; but most importantly the angry balding within your eyes so clearly like star constellations on a cloudless night.

‘And they didn’t let you explain? Not even mr logistics himself fordsy?’ Bill asked, finding this really heard to believe as your reality, but the way your eyes became sharp as steel at the mention of Ford’s name only made Bill start to believe that the nerd could’ve done something so heartless. ‘Oh you poor flesh bag.’ He coos as he pats your face with his small hand. ‘I knew I could smell the desire for revenge from dimensions away.’ He adds and you push him away, scoffing as you brought your attention to the landscape that your mind took; a serene forest with fairy lights hung from the branches high about you with the sound of frogs croaking and crickets to accompany the perpetual drizzle of light rainfall.

It was a weird place for you to be, especially with what you went through just moments prior, it felt too calm for a reflection of your current mental state and Bill noticed this abnormality too. You went through the biggest betrayal of your life and your dreamscape was barely affected by the reality you lived in, how fascinating. ‘I don’t want revenge.’ You said to Bill.

‘Are you sure? They didn’t even give you room to explain yourself, they took it at face value and tossed you aside like you were nothing.’ Bill said as he watched your face for every possible expressing he could get out of you. ‘Ford didn’t value you, neither did Stanley so why bother keeping your loyalties to men who don’t see your worth, nor value your loyalty that you’ve given them as they curse your name because they didn’t think you’d do anything in retaliation. Think about it getting even with them while dropping the truth on them will be a spectacle for the ages.’ Bill finishes as he leans towards you while whispering promises into your ears.

You let bill into your head once and you promised that you wouldn’t ever again, you’ve learnt your lesson but you were lost within your emotions, your grief of your friendship with Ford as you allowed him to shatter your last hope for someone to take your side in this long winded argument. That and Bill’s whispers of revenge and getting your own back at the old men has you succumbing to thoughts you’d never thought you were comfortable of thinking so freely as you did in that moment.

‘You promise to make their lives hell?’ You asked.

‘You’re not the only one they’ve wronged. I’ve dedicated my long life to seeing them helpless as I destroy their everything.’ Bill replied as he stuck out his hand, blue flames licking at his palms as it illuminated the dark forest and yourselves. ‘There’s no point denying it kid, you and I? We’re more alike than you think. We both wanna see lesser Sixer and Sixer eat dirt for what they’ve done to us, so let’s make that a reality partner.’ He adds.

-mini skip-

‘We need to wait for my partner, I can’t start torturing you all without them, I kinda promised them a front row seat to your demise.’ Bill said as he caged up Stan, Ford, Dipper and Mabel into their respective prisons.

‘You? A partner? You said it yourself Bill you don’t do partners!’ Ford replied sarcastically but something within him told him that something was wrong.

Bill laughed as he waved his hand. ‘Things change Stanford, and besides me and this person have more in common then I originally imagined when I first possessed them.’ He mentions off handedly as the doors open and the Pines Family saw a familiar figure come into the light, dressed in a dark suit/dress with eyes patterned across it as though to show that no corner of the room went unseen by this person; this person being you as you stopped by Bill’s side.

‘Y/n?’ Ford whispered.

You looked at him with a blank look. ‘Hello Stanford. Having fun in your little cage?’ You asked.

‘Y/n please tell me this isn’t true, that you’re working with Bill?’ Ford pressed on as he fought hard to suspended his disbelief for your sake and for the sake that this was all a horrid dream that he’d soon wake up from.

You shrugged. ‘Like he said, we’re more alike than he originally imagined when he first possessed me into pushing you into the portal.’

The family gasped.

‘He possessed you?’ Dipper asked.

‘This whole time…’ Stanley trailed off.

‘You were being used against your will,’ Ford continued as he realised that his and Stan’s treatment of you was unjust and unwarranted, ‘and now you’re working with him…why you’re my assistant!’ He adds knowing that Bill was using you against him once again.

‘Oh don’t get all jealous that your partner has found someone better fordsy.’ Bill said as he puts a hand on your shoulder, squeezing it possessively. ‘Besides they just found someone better to spend eternity with.’ Bill adds as Ford could only sit in the realisation that if he had let you speak instead of assume the worst of you, then maybe you’d still be by his side, happy.

But he failed you as much as he failed his brother and Fiddleford. Ford had no one to blame but himself and it’ll be something he’d have to live with for the rest of his life, assuming he should live that long after you and Bill we’re through with him.

[gyutopia]

bad habits | sim jaeyun + yang jungwon

ꕤ DESCRIPTION: Sim Jaeyun will always have a part of your heart; he was the first man you ever loved and the first man to ever break your heart. Yang Jungwon however, was the first man to ever sacrifice for you and your happiness. Now that you have Jake, you can’t help but wonder if you’ve made a catastrophic mistake.

❥ PAIRING: boyfriend!jake x f!reader & situationship!jungwon

❥ GENRE: slice of life!au, college!au

❥ WORD COUNT: 17.6k

⟶ WARNINGS: soft dom!jake, sub!reader, oral (f!receiving), p in v intercourse, underaged drinking, swearing, possessive!jungwon, mentions of sobriety, heartbreak, mentions of smoking and drugs, cheating, let me know if i missed anything !

ꕤ A/N: this is the continuation of overpass graffiti…can you tell i’m an ed sheeran lover? :)

“Am I doing something wrong?” Jake asks as he lifts his head from your core.

It’s currently around three in the morning, you woke up a few minutes ago unable to find any peace in your dreams and after constantly tossing and turning, you accidentally woke up Jake who tried luring you back to sleep with a kiss which quickly escalated to heavily making out and him making his way down south.

You whine, tugging at his hair and encourage him to continue. “What makes you think you could possibly be doing something wrong?”

“You look like you’d prefer to be anywhere else.” Rather than continuing like you had told him to, Jake lets one finger graze the length of your pussy, teasing your entrance slowly to try and turn you on again after realizing you were no longer wet. “What are you thinking of, love?”

Your thoughts instantly fly back to what has been plaguing your mind for the past four days and you immediately push his hands away. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Jake watches you fix your pajamas which consist of his oversized shirt and boxers before pulling the sheets over your body. He follows after you, waiting for an explanation. When you say nothing, he speaks up.

“Hey, no more secrets, remember?”

He slides an arm around your waist and pulls you in closer to his body. You inhale deeply at the reminder of your words. You sigh, chewing on your lip as you try to form a sentence without possibly upsetting him.

“I know it’s just…” You trail off and try to think through your emotions. You want to be upfront with him and let him know what you’re truly thinking and feeling but you barely know how to process it yourself let alone let someone else know what’s going on in your mind.

“I don’t know how to put it into words yet.”

“If you’re not ready to talk about it,” He pulls back to offer you a lopsided smile and places a kiss on your cheek, “It’s fine. Tell me whenever you are.”

Hesitantly, you nod; kissing his cheek before turning around and letting him spoon you. As you feel him drift into sleep, the weight of his arm slumping completely over your waist, your thoughts fly back to four nights ago, when your life seemingly took a drastic turn.

After Jake professed his love to you in the rain on Newbury street, the two of you took an uber back to his dorm to dry off and talk about the logistics of your relationship. It completely slipped your mind to tell your friends where you had disappeared off to and it didn’t help that your phone had died on the way to your destination.

You were once again so wrapped up in Sim Jaeyun that you were throwing caution to the wind and yet again placing him above yourself and others in your life. It wasn’t until six hours after you had arrived at his did you bother to charge your phone. Once the device turned on, the text messages came swarming in.

[November 18th, 2:17 PM]

[jungwon]: are you on your way?

[jungwon]: the rain is coming down hard i can meet you halfway if you want. i brought an extra umbrella just in case ^-^

[November 18th, 3:27 PM]

[jungwon]: y/n? i’m getting concerned it’s pouring

[jungwon]: are you okay?

[November 18th, 5:45 PM]

[jungwon]: avi told me about jake

[jungwon]: seriously y/n? you went back to that jerk??

[November 18th, 5:48 PM]

[avi]: you just couldn’t help yourself huh?

[avi]: i hope jake was worth it lol

[November 18th, 5:50 PM]

[beomgyu]: :/

[beomgyu]: the least you could do is respond to jungwons texts.

[November 18th, 6:53 PM]

[avi]: do you plan on ignoring all of us?

[avi]: at least let us know you’re okay.

[November 18th, 6:55 PM]

[jungwon]: i’m sorry for getting mad earlier but please let me know you’re okay y/n

[jungwon]: i’m worried.

[jungwon]: we don’t have to talk about jake just pls let me know where you are

[November 18th, 6:59 PM]

[avi to-toilet texters]: i’m done with the private messages

[avi to-toilet texters]: where are you y/n this isn’t funny.

[beomgyu to-toilet texters]: we’re not mad we just want to make sure you’re okay

[November 18th, 7:39 PM]

[avi to-toilet texters]: shit guys i’m scared

[avi to-toilet texters]: should we call the cops?

[beomgyu to-toilet texters]: wait let’s try her location first

[avi to-toilet texters]: …do you seriously think jungwon and i haven't tried that already?

[beomgyu to-toilet texters]: fuck

[beomgyu to-toilet texters]: i’m sorry i’m just freaking out this isn’t like her

[jungwon to-toilet texters]: i just checked all over campus

[jungwon to-toilet texters]: she’s not here

[avi to-toilet texters]: fuck

[beomgyu to-toilet texters]: fuck

[avi to-toilet texters]: this is the jake effect.

[avi to-toilet texters]: he shows up for two seconds and now look

[beomgyu to-toilet texters]: avi…

To say you were embarrassed would be an understatement. You quickly responded to the groupchat letting them know about your whereabouts and the circumstances as to why it took you so long to get back to them. None of them were pleased.

Apparently, Jungwon and Beomgyu were only a minute away from marching down to the police station to file a missing persons report. Avi didn’t hold back her anger and annoyance with you. The second you responded to the group chat with your measly apology she was calling you and going in over the phone.You shiver as you think back to her cold words.

"You've really done it this time, haven't you?" she snaps, her tone cutting through the air like a knife. "I can't believe you'd be so reckless, so selfish. And for what? For that jerk?"

Her words strike a nerve, a pang of guilt twisting in your chest as you struggle to find the right response. But before you can gather your thoughts, Avi's tirade continues, her voice growing more heated with each passing moment.

"You're no better than him, you know," she continues, her words heavy with disdain. "Hurting Jungwon like that, just to chase after some guy who doesn't give a damn about you? You two deserve each other."

The weight of her words hangs heavy in the air, a painful reminder of the rift between you and your friends.

"I'm sorry, Avi," you whisper, your voice barely above a whisper. "I never meant to hurt anyone. But please, try to understand..."

But before you can finish, Avi cuts you off, her voice cold and dismissive. “Try to understand? ____, Jungwon was ready to call the cops!"

You wince at her words, the guilt weighing heavily on your shoulders. "I-I'm sorry, Avi," you stammer, your voice barely above a whisper. "I didn't mean to worry you guys. It's just... things got complicated."

"Complicated?" Avi scoffs, her disbelief evident. "You mean you were too wrapped up in Sim Jaeyun to even bother letting us know you were okay?"

Tears prickle at the corners of your eyes as you listen to her words, the reality of the situation hitting you like a punch to the gut. "I'm sorry," you repeat, your voice trembling with emotion. "I didn't mean to hurt you guys. I just... I needed some time to figure things out."

"I don't want to hear it," she snaps, her tone final. "Jungwon didn’t deserve what you did to him. You deserve the inevitable pain that comes with Jake."

With that, she ended the call, leaving you reeling in the aftermath of her anger. That was four days ago. Out of shame you’ve been hiding out in Jake’s dorm, too embarrassed to even show your face on your own campus. Jake, having heard the heated conversation from his seated position next to you on his couch, offered to let you sleep over until Avi cooled down and you felt more comfortable to go home.

But as the days come to pass you don’t think you’ll ever be ready to go back home. If there even is a home for you to go back to. Every night you fall asleep thinking of your friends and how you’ve messed things up, how they’re doing, if they miss you as much as you miss them, if they’ll ever forgive you. Especially Jungwon.

He just won’t leave your thoughts. You wake up thinking of him and fall asleep dreaming of him. You know eventually you’ll have to man up and make amends with him but a part of you fears you’ve messed up too greatly this time. That Jungwon no longer wants anything to do with you and you can’t blame him for that.

You led him on and let him hold onto the false narrative of the two of you becoming something only to leave him in the dust once Jake came around. There’s an unsettling feeling bubbling up in your chest as you once again analyze your decisions.

You’re happy with Jake, right? This is what you’ve always wanted and yet you have this gut feeling you’ve made the biggest mistake of your life.

“You’re thinking too loudly, babe, please go to sleep.” Jake mumbles while yawning, pulling you closer. “I’m sure it’s nothing.”

You hope so, too.

Present day | November 22nd

“Wake up!”

The sound of Jay's cheerful voice breaks through the haze of sleep, pulling you from the comfort of Jake's embrace. With a soft groan, you bury your face deeper into the warmth of the blankets, reluctant to leave the cocoon you've found.

"Wake up sleepy heads!" Jay's voice calls again, this time accompanied by the gentle shake of your shoulder.

Reluctantly, you peel open your eyes, blinking against the intrusion of light filtering in through the window. Jake stirs beside you, his arm tightening around your waist in a silent bid for you to stay a little longer.

But with a sigh, you muster the strength to sit up, rubbing the sleep from your eyes as you glance at Jay with a sheepish smile. "Morning," you mumble, your voice thick with sleep.

Jay grins back at you, his eyes sparkling with mischief as he gestures towards the clock on the wall. "Come on, you two. Sunghoon and Heeseung are waiting, and I made breakfast!"

The mention of food perks up Jake's interest, and he shoots you a playful grin before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. "You heard the man," he says, his voice laced with excitement. "Let's go eat!"

With a shared laugh, you and Jake follow Jay out of the bedroom and into the cozy kitchenette of their dorm. The scent of freshly cooked pancakes fills the air, mingling with the aroma of brewing coffee as Jay sets the table with an infectious energy.

As you settle down to breakfast with Jake and Jay, the warmth of their friendship washes over you, bringing you genuine joy with their connection.

As you sip your coffee and dig into the delicious pancakes Jay prepared, you find yourself reflecting on the bond you've been forming with him over the past couple of days. It wasn’t easy at first, considering the tension that arose between him and Beomgyu at the party. But Jay's sincere apology and explanation about his protective nature towards Jake helped to ease the tension.

You remember how he had approached you two days ago, a sheepish smile on his face as he apologized for his near fight with Beomgyu. His explanation had made sense, and his genuine remorse had been evident. Jay's willingness to take responsibility for his actions had impressed you, and it had been the first step towards building trust between you.

And then, there was his joke about nearly stealing you away from Jake at the party, a playful comment that had brought a smile to your lips. Despite the initial awkwardness between you, Jay's sense of humor had helped to break the ice and pave the way for a more comfortable interaction.

As you glance at Jay now, chatting animatedly with Jake as they discuss their plans for the day, you can't help but feel grateful for his presence in your life. His friendship has become an unexpected source of support and laughter, adding a new dynamic to your relationship with Jake.

With a newfound sense of appreciation for the friendship blossoming between you and Jay, you join in the conversation, eagerly anticipating the group hang out with Sunghoon and Heeseung.

With a curious glint in your eyes, you turn to Jay and Jake, the question lingering on the tip of your tongue. "What are Heeseung and Sunghoon like?" you inquire, eager to learn more about their friends.

Jay's grin widens at your question, his enthusiasm contagious. "Heeseung’s the mood maker," he begins, his voice filled with admiration. "He's the most social out of all of us and always knows how to keep the energy up."

Jake nods in agreement, a fond smile playing on his lips. "Yeah, Heeseung is on the basketball team, and he's got this natural charm that draws people to him," he adds. "You'll love him."

“As for Sunghoon," Jay continues, his expression thoughtful, "he's a bit more reserved at first, but when you get to know him, he's a certified yapper. Once he warms up, he's got a lot to say."

Jake snorts, “yeah, if you thought I was bad Sunghoon’s worse, don’t get him started on Yeji or anything skating related he’ll never shut up.”

You perk up at the mention of another girl, “Yeji? Is that his girlfriend?”

Jay nearly spits out his coffee and Jake doubles over from the force of his laughter.

You frown. “What, did I say something wrong?”

Jake shakes his head and wraps his arm around your shoulder to bring you in, “No baby, Yeji is his little sister.”

Your mouth makes an O shape as it sinks in why they were so amused, “my bad.” You sheepishly murmur.

Jay wipes away a tear of laughter as he recovers, still chuckling. "No worries, happens to the best of us."

Jake gives you a reassuring squeeze before releasing you. "Yeah, Sunghoon practically worships the ground his little sister walks on," he explains, his laughter subsiding into a warm smile. "You'll see what we mean when you meet him."

With the misunderstanding cleared up, you finish up breakfast with Jake and Jay, the lively conversation and laughter filling the small kitchenette. As the last of the dishes are washed and dried, you make your way back to Jake's room to get ready for the day ahead.

As you rummage through your limited selection of clothes, Jake enters the room with a mischievous glint in his eyes. "I've got something for you," he says, holding up a small shopping bag.

Curious, you peek inside to find a Harvard hoodie nestled within. It's maroon with the school's name printed on the front with its emblem up in the corner. You stare at the hoodie, not sure what to make of it. "Jake, you didn't have to..."

He cuts you off with a grin. "I wanted to," he insists, his eyes warm with affection. “I have a matching one, plus if you do decide to transfer you need to have a Harvard hoodie, it’s a rite of passage here!”

Your hum as your mind flashes back to the conversation you had with Jake a few days ago.

You were walking through Harvard’s campus on your way to his dorm. The imposing, ivy-covered buildings made you feel out of place, a stark reminder that this had once been your dream school. 

"I still can't believe you're here," you had said, half in awe and half in melancholy. "I used to imagine myself walking these paths every day."

Jake had looked at you, his expression serious. "You could still be here, you know. Transferring is always an option."

You had laughed then, a little bitterly. "It's not that simple, Jake. I have friends at Northeastern, a life... And Harvard feels so far away now."

Jake had stopped walking, turning to face you. "But if it makes you happy, isn't it worth considering? We could be together, and you'd finally be living your dream."

You had sighed, looking away. "I don't know, Jake. It's a lot to think about."

Shaking off the memory, you manage a small smile, touched nonetheless by the sentiment of his gift. "Thanks, Jake. I appreciate it," you say, your mind still swirling with conflicting emotions. On one hand, the thought of transferring to Harvard, being with Jake, and starting fresh is appealing. But on the other hand, the guilt of potentially betraying Avi, Jungwon, and Beomgyu tugs at your heart. They were your first friends here, and you can’t picture a life where they’re not in it.

As you slip on the hoodie, a comfortable warmth spreads through you, though it does little to ease the turmoil inside. Jake watches you, his smile faltering slightly as he notices your pensive expression.

"Hey," he says softly, breaking the silence. "Have you given it any more thought? Transferring, I mean."

You take a deep breath, turning to face him. "Honestly, no. I haven't really had the chance to think it through."

Jake's face softens, and he steps closer, taking your hands in his. "I understand. It's a big decision. But can you promise me one thing?"

"What?" you ask, your voice barely above a whisper.

"Promise me that you'll at least think about it. Not for me, but for yourself. You deserve to follow your dreams, and I don't want you to have any regrets."

You look into his earnest eyes, feeling a mix of gratitude and guilt. "I promise, Jake. I'll think about it."

He smiles, squeezing your hands gently. "That's all I ask."

You take another deep breath, pushing aside your worries for now. "Ready to go meet your friends?" you ask, trying to keep your voice light.

Jake nods, his smile widening. "Yeah, they're excited to meet you. The MFA is going to be amazing."

You grab your tote bag and head towards the door with him once he finishes getting dressed. As you step out into the hallway, you can't help but glance back at the dorm room you've been staying in, wondering how long you'll be caught between two worlds.

You join Jay in the living room, where he's waiting with the keys to his car in hand. "Ready to go?" he asks, flashing you a grin.

You nod eagerly, excitement bubbling within you as you anticipate the day ahead. With a final glance around the room, you follow Jay and Jake out of the dorm and into the chilly afternoon, ready to meet the people Jake considers his closest friends now.

As you pile into Jay's car, the excitement in the air is palpable. Jake takes the driver's seat, you settle into the passenger side, and Jay slides into the back, sandwiched between you. The engine roars to life, and with a grin from Jake, the car pulls out onto the road.

The ride is short but lively, filled with laughter and playful banter as you share stories and jokes. The music blasts from the speakers, a mishmash of songs from all your playlists, creating the perfect soundtrack for the journey. You find yourself singing along to familiar tunes, feeling the carefree joy of the moment wash over you.

Before you know it, Jake is pulling into a parking spot near the Museum of Fine Arts, and you all pile out of the car, eager to explore the exhibits.

Heeseung and Sunghoon are already waiting by the ticket booth, chatting animatedly as they purchase the tickets for the group. Heeseung's infectious smile lights up his face as he catches sight of you, and he waves enthusiastically.

"Jay! Jake!" he calls out, his voice friendly and welcoming. "Glad you could make it. I've been looking forward to finally meeting the ever so famous, ____ ."

Jake returns his smile with one of his own. "Aye~ chill out." he replies, his tone filled with a hint of embarrassment.

Sunghoon joins in, his own smile warm and inviting. "Nice to meet you," he says, nodding in your direction. "Jake's been talking about you nonstop."

You chuckle at the teasing remark, feeling a sense of ease settle over you in their presence. Despite the nerves that come with meeting new people, Heeseung and Sunghoon's friendly demeanor puts you at ease, and you can't help but feel excited for the day ahead.

With tickets in hand, you all make your way into the museum, ready to immerse yourselves in the world of art and culture.

As your group strolls through the museum, the array of artwork captivates your attention. Jake and Sunghoon, engrossed in the intricate details of Japanese art, wander ahead, their conversation a mix of admiration and fascination. Jay, however, lags a bit behind, his steps deliberate as he scrutinizes each piece with a keen eye.

Meanwhile, Heeseung and you find yourselves falling into step, engaged in a conversation about Jake. Heeseung's relief is palpable as he expresses his happiness about the reconciliation between you and Jake.

"He's been so happy lately," Heeseung confides, his voice filled with genuine happiness for his friend. "I'm really glad you two made up. It's like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders."

You nod in understanding. "Yeah, I'm glad we cleared the air. It feels good to be back on good terms."

Heeseung's smile widens, his eyes reflecting warmth. "You have no idea how much it means to him," he assures you.

You smile, not sure what to say in response. Sensing this Heeseung changes the topic.

“So, how do you like Boston?”

“It’s great! There’s so much to do. My friends and I love going to Newbury for the food festivals.” You say, a small smile on your face at the chance of talking about your friends.

Heeseung nods. “That sounds fun. Have you been to Allston yet? The kbbq  there is incredible.”

“Not yet, but it’s on my list,” you reply. “Jake keeps promising to take me.”

Heeseung chuckles. “He’d better. It’s a must-see.”

As you continue walking through the museum, admiring the exhibits, a wave of guilt washes over you as you stare at the back of Jake’s head. Memories of the previous night flood your mind, the warmth of Jake's embrace juxtaposed with the lingering doubts about your feelings for Jungwon.

Caught between the past and the present, you struggle to push aside the nagging thoughts that something isn’t right.

Heeseung glances at you before clearing his throat to ask, “are you transferring to Harvard?”

Caught off guard, you shake your head. “Why do you ask?”

His eyes shift down to the hoodie and understanding dawns on you.

“Oh. No, it was a gift from Jake. I’m still at Northeastern.”

Heeseung nods thoughtfully. “Makes sense. But you know, if you did transfer, it would probably help Jake a lot.”

You furrow your brow in confusion. “Help him? How?”

Heeseung’s brows pinch together as he frowns, "his sobriety?”

The revelation hits you like a ton of bricks, leaving you momentarily speechless as you stop walking. You had no idea that Jake had ever struggled with substance abuse.

Heeseung's face slowly falls as he realizes his mistake, cursing softly under his breath as he realizes he's dropped a bombshell on you without warning. "I'm sorry," he says, his voice tinged with regret. "I shouldn't have just blurted that out like that, I thought he told you."

You shake your head, trying to process the newfound information while also feeling a pang of sympathy for Heeseung's evident discomfort. "No, it's okay," you assure him, offering a reassuring smile despite the whirlwind of emotions churning within you.

Heeseung's expression softens, gratitude evident in his eyes as he meets your gaze. "Thanks," he murmurs, a note of relief in his voice. "I’m sure he’ll tell you soon, he’s been meaning to."

You nod in understanding, the weight of Heeseung's words sinking in as you come to terms with the realization that there's still so much about Jake's life that you don't know. "I'll wait for him to bring it up," you promise.

With a grateful smile, Heeseung bumps you on the shoulder before turning to rejoin the rest of the group, leaving you alone with your thoughts amidst the bustling museum crowds.

As the group continues to explore the museum, you find it increasingly difficult to focus on the artwork around you. You think about Jake’s struggles and the possibility of transferring to Harvard. While the idea of being there to support him is compelling, you can’t ignore the nagging guilt about Avi, Jungwon, and Beomgyu. They’ve always been there for you, and you don’t want to let them down by choosing Jake yet again.

Despite the vibrant chatter and laughter of your friends, you feel a growing sense of unease gnawing at your conscience.

When Jake suggests grabbing some food from El Jefe, your stomach churns with conflicting emotions. The prospect of spending more time with your newfound friends is enticing, but the memories of late nights at that very restaurant with Jungwon after studying all night fills you with sadness.

As you follow the group out of the museum and into the chilly streets of Boston, you realize just how close you are to your dorm. A pang of sadness tugs at your heart as you remember Avi and Beomgyu as well, wondering what they’re up to. The thought of facing them again fills you with apprehension, yet a part of you longs for the familiarity of their company.

As you approach El Jefe, the scent of delicious Mexican food wafts through the air, tempting your taste buds but as you guys gather around a table, eagerly discussing the meal choices, you find yourself hesitating.

"I think I'm gonna pass on lunch," you murmur, your voice barely above a whisper as you address Jake and the others. "I... I need to take care of something."

Jake's brow furrows with concern as he meets your gaze, sensing the sudden shift in your demeanor. "Are you okay?" he asks, his voice filled with genuine worry.

You force a smile, though it feels strained on your lips. "Yeah, I'll be fine," you assure him, though the lie tastes bitter in your mouth.

Heeseung, Jay, and Sunghoon exchange puzzled glances, sensing the tension in the air. But before anyone can question you further, you push back your chair and rise to your feet, the need for solitude outweighing the discomfort of their curious stares.

"Sorry, I just... I need to talk to someone," you explain vaguely, not wanting to burden them with the weight of your emotions.

Jake's expression softens with understanding, and he nods in silent acknowledgment of your unspoken plea. "Take all the time you need," he says gently, reaching out to squeeze your hand in a silent gesture of support.

With a grateful smile, you offer him a nod before turning on your heel and making your way out of the restaurant, the familiar ache of loneliness lingering in your chest.

First, you head to Wollaston's to buy cherry gummy bears for Jungwon. The bright, familiar packaging gives you a momentary sense of comfort, a small reminder of the inside jokes and shared moments with your friends.

With the gummy bears safely tucked into your bag, you make your way to your dorm room, your heart pounding with a mix of anticipation and anxiety.

Taking a deep breath, you push open the door and step into the lit hallway, the sound of your footsteps echoing against the walls. With each step, the tension in your shoulders mounts, the anticipation of facing Avi after so long weighing heavily on your mind.

Finally, you reach your dorm and let yourself in. You spot Avi’s shoes at the entrance, proving she’s home, but you find the little living room and kitchen empty, meaning she’s in her room. You walk up to her door and pause for a moment, gathering your thoughts before raising your hand to knock. The seconds tick by agonizingly slow, the silence stretching between you like a chasm.

Then, the door swings open, and there she stands, with her piercing gaze and arms crossed tightly across her chest. The tension in the air is palpable as you meet her eyes, the weight of unspoken words hanging heavy between you.

“Avi, can we talk?” you ask softly, stepping into the room.

Avi looks down, her eyes narrowing when she notices the Harvard hoodie. “What do you want?” she asks, her tone guarded.

“I know you’re upset, and you have every right to be,” you start, taking a deep breath. “I’ve been so wrapped up in Jake that I’ve neglected you and everyone else. I’m really sorry.”

Avi’s eyes flicker with uncertainty. “You’re wearing a Harvard hoodie. Are you already planning to leave us?”

“No,” you say quickly, shaking your head. “It was a gift from Jake. He talked to me about transferring, but I don’t want to leave my friends. You all mean too much to me.”

Avi studies you for a moment, her expression softening just a bit. “It feels like you’ve already left us, though.”

“I know,” you admit, feeling the sting of her words. “And I’m really sorry. I’ve been a terrible friend. But I want to make it right.”

Before Avi can respond, you hear a familiar voice from behind her. “She’s telling the truth, Avi,” Beomgyu says, coming into view. He’s sitting on the other side of her bed, partially hidden by her fugue. “She seems sincere.”

You turn to Beomgyu, your heart aching. “I’m so sorry, Beomgyu. I’ve been awful to you all, and I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I’m asking for it anyway. Please, give me a chance to make things right.”

Beomgyu looks at Avi, who sighs and nods slightly. He then turns back to you. “It’s going to take time, but I think we can give you that chance.”

Relief floods through you, and you feel tears pricking at the corners of your eyes. “Thank you. I promise I’ll do better.”

Avi gets up and walks over to you, pulling you into a hesitant hug. “Just don’t disappear on us again, okay?”

You nod, hugging her tightly. “I won’t. I promise.”

Beomgyu joins the hug, and for a moment, the three of you stand there, holding onto each other. When you finally pull away, you wipe your eyes and smile.

Avi breaks the silence with a question that catches you off guard. "So, how are things with Jake?" she asks, her tone hesitant yet curious.

Avi's question lingers in the air, and you take a moment to gather your thoughts before responding. "Things with Jake... they're actually going better than I thought," you admit, a small smile tugging at the corners of your lips. "I've met all of his friends, and they're actually really sweet."

Avi's eyebrows raise in surprise, though there's a hint of skepticism in her expression. "Really? Even Jay?" she asks, her voice laced with doubt.

You nod, feeling a pang of guilt at the mention of Jay's name. "Yeah, even Jay," you confirm. "He's been... really nice to me." You turn to Beomgyu. “He even apologized for how he came at you at the party. I'm sure if he saw you again, he'd apologize to you as well.”

Beomgyu nods softly and shrugs. “Water under the bridge? I'm glad you guys are getting along."

You offer Beomgyu a grateful smile before turning back to Avi. "I know we've got a lot to catch up on, but there's one more person I need to make amends with," you explain, your voice tinged with regret. "I need to talk to Jungwon."

Avi's expression softens at the mention of Jungwon's name, understanding dawning in her eyes. "Yeah, you do," she agrees quietly. "But take your time. He'll come around."

You nod and turn to Beomgyu who offers you a tight-lipped smile. “He should be in our room. He’s probably packing for Thanksgiving break,” Beomgyu offers as he lays back down on Avi’s bed. Your brows furrow at that.

“He’s going back to Korea?”

Beomgyu hums. “Said he needs the mental break.”

Avi sighs, sitting back down beside Beomgyu. “I was hoping we could all spend Thanksgiving together like we planned but I get he needs space.”

“I know,” you say, feeling a pang of guilt. “I didn’t realize things had gotten so bad for him.”

Beomgyu’s eyes soften. “He’s been really stressed. With everything that’s been happening, I think he just needs to get away and clear his head.”

“Maybe talking to him will help,” Avi suggests. “Even if he’s leaving, he deserves to know how much you care.”

You nod, taking a deep breath. “I hope so. I really don’t want to lose him as a friend.”

Beomgyu gives you a reassuring smile. “Just be honest with him. He’ll appreciate that, even if he’s still upset.”

“Thanks, Beomgyu,” you say softly. “I’m going to go talk to him now.”

Avi stands and gives you another quick hug. “Good luck. We’ll be here if you need us.”

With a nod, you leave Avi’s room and your dorm all together, your heart heavy. As you walk down the hallway towards Beomgyu and Jungwon’s shared dorm, your mind races with thoughts of how to approach Jungwon. The closer you get, the more you feel the weight of your actions and their impact on your friends.

When you reach your destination, the door is slightly ajar. You push it open gently and see Jungwon inside, methodically folding clothes and placing them into his suitcase in the living room. The sight of him packing feels like a punch to the gut, knowing that his departure is partly your fault.

“Jungwon,” you start tentatively, stepping inside.

He doesn’t look up, his movements precise and mechanical. “What do you want?”

“I came to apologize,” you say, holding out the gummy bears. “And I brought these. I know they’re your favorite.”

Jungwon glances at the gummy bears, then back to his suitcase. “You think gummy bears are going to fix this?”

“No,” you say quickly. “I just wanted to show you that I care. I’ve been a terrible friend, and I know I’ve hurt you.”

He finally stops packing and looks at you, his expression a mix of hurt and anger. “Do you even realize what you’ve done? It’s like we don’t matter to you.”

“That’s not true,” you say, your voice trembling. “You mean the world to me.”

Jungwon shakes his head. “If we meant so much to you, you wouldn’t have treated us like this. Do you know how it feels to watch the girl you’re in love with settle for some douchebag like Jake?”

Your breath catches. “Jungwon, I didn’t know…”

“Of course you didn’t,” he snaps. “Because you never took the time to see what was right in front of you. You were too busy chasing after Jake.”

“Jungwon, I…” you trail off, trying to find the right words. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

He scoffs. “You didn’t mean to, but you did. Over and over again. And the worst part is, you don’t even see it. The way you so willingly left Avi, Beomgyu, and me behind for Jake is alarming. I never knew you were this self-absorbed.”

Tears well up in your eyes. “Jungwon, please. I’m trying to make things right.”

He sighs, looking more tired than angry now. “You can’t just come back and expect everything to be okay. It doesn’t work like that. It’s not fair.”

“I know,” you say, your voice breaking. “But I’m willing to do whatever it takes to earn your forgiveness.”

Jungwon stares at you for a long moment. “If you want my forgiveness, you need to make a choice. Him or me.”

Your heart sinks. “Jungwon, please don’t make me choose.”

“I’m serious,” he says, his voice cold.

Desperate, you try to shift the conversation. “What about our Thanksgiving plans?”

Jungwon scoffs. “Spend it with Jake,” he retorts, his gaze flicking to the Harvard hoodie you’re wearing. “You know, the one who got you that hoodie. Remember when you said Harvard was your past and you were ready to focus on me and Northeastern? What a load of crap.”

You feel a surge of desperation. “Jungwon, please. I was confused. I didn’t know this would happen!”

“Oh, you didn’t know?” His voice rises, frustration clear. “That’s such bullshit! First you picked Jake over us, it was like a slap in the face. And now, you show up wearing that hoodie, like it’s some badge of honor.”

“It’s just a hoodie,” you protest weakly. “It doesn’t mean anything.”

“It means everything!” Jungwon shouts, slamming his suitcase shut. “It’s a symbol of all the times you put Jake first. You said you were done with Harvard, done with him being your priority, but here we are.”

“Jungwon, I’m sorry,” you plead, tears streaming down your face. “I never meant to hurt you. I love you, Avi, and Beomgyu. You’re my best friends.”

“Then why do you treat us like we’re second best?” he demands, his voice breaking. “Why did you lie to me?”

“I didn’t lie,” you whisper. “I was just… lost. Jake is my first love, and I got caught up in that. But you, Avi, and Beomgyu are my family. I don’t want to lose you.”

Jungwon’s expression softens for a brief moment, but then hardens again. “You already have,” he says quietly. “You’ve pushed me away too many times. I can’t trust you anymore.”

“What can I do?” you ask, desperation lacing your voice. “Tell me, and I’ll do it.”

“If you want my forgiveness, you need to make a choice. Him or me,” he repeats firmly.

“Jungwon, please,” you beg. “Don’t make me choose.”

“I’m serious,” he says, his voice cold. “I can’t watch you destroy yourself over Jake. So, make a choice.”

You stand there, speechless and trembling, the weight of his ultimatum pressing down on you. Jungwon looks away, his expression hardened. “Just go. I need to finish packing.”

Desperate and broken, you try one last time. “Jungwon, please…”

But he’s already turned his back on you, continuing to pack as if you aren’t there. With a heavy heart, you turn and leave the dorm, feeling more lost and alone than ever. As you walk down the hallway back to your room, the tears finally spill over, blurring your vision. The realization that you might have just lost one of your closest friends hits you hard.

The door to your dorm opens again, and Avi steps out, her face soft with concern. She takes one look at your tear-streaked face and pulls you into another hug, her grip tight and reassuring. “It’s going to be okay,” she whispers, her voice steady. “We’ll figure this out together.”

Beomgyu joins the two of you, “We’re here for you,” he says quietly. “No matter what happens.”

You take a shaky breath, still enveloped in Avi’s comforting embrace. “I don’t understand why Jungwon was so cold and closed off,” you say, your voice trembling, not used to being on the receiving end of his anger.

Avi pulls back slightly, enough to look you in the eyes. “It’s a given he’s upset. You’re important to him, and he feels hurt and betrayed. But that doesn’t mean he won’t come around. He just needs time.”

Beomgyu nods in agreement. “Jungwon’s always been the calm and understanding one, but everyone has their breaking point. He’s just reached his. Give him some space to process everything. He loves you too much to stay mad forever.”

You nod, feeling a glimmer of hope through the despair. “I just wish I hadn’t hurt him so badly.”

“We all make mistakes,” Avi says gently. “At least you’re trying to make up for it now.”

Beomgyu pats your shoulder. “Yeah, plus we’re here to help you.”

A small smile forms on your lips as you take in their words. “Thank you, both of you. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Avi squeezes your hand. “You don’t have to worry about that because we’re not going anywhere. We’ll get through this together.”

Feeling a bit lighter, you take a deep breath and straighten up. “I need to figure out how to fix things with Jungwon. But for now, I guess I should let him have his space.”

“That’s a good idea,” Beomgyu agrees. “Let him cool down. In the meantime, let’s focus on spending some time together. We’ve missed you.”

“Yeah,” Avi adds, her tone brightening. “Let’s do something fun.”

You smile, feeling a bit of the tension ease from your shoulders. “I’d like that. I’ve missed you guys too.”

With Avi and Beomgyu by your side, you start to walk back towards your bedroom.

November 28th | Thanksgiving Day

“This isn’t how I pictured Friendsgiving going.” Avi clears her throat, breaking the tense silence. 

You look around the room, taking in the scene. Your dorm is filled with people, but the atmosphere is anything but festive. Jake, Heeseung, Jay, and Sunghoon are here, along with Avi, Beomgyu, and yourself. The idea had been to merge friend groups for Thanksgiving/Chuseok, a suggestion from Avi and Beomgyu in an attempt to bridge the growing divide for your sake. But now, everyone sits awkwardly on the floor, picking at their side dishes, unsure of what to do or say.

Beomgyu is the next to break the silence. “How about we play a drinking game?” he offers, a hint of forced enthusiasm in his voice. “Might help loosen the tension.”

You sneak a glance at Jake, curious to see his reaction. He still hasn’t told you about his sobriety, and you wonder how he’ll handle this situation.

Jake looks around at the expectant faces, then clears his throat. “I don’t drink,” he says simply, his voice steady. “But I don’t mind if others do. I’ll just stick to the mocktails.” He offers a small smile and raises his glass of the non-alcoholic concoction you and Avi had prepared earlier.

You nod, making a mental note to ask him about it later, despite the promise you made to Heeseung not to mention it. The curiosity is too overwhelming to ignore.

Avi looks around, trying to salvage the situation. “Okay, mocktails for some, drinks for others. Let’s just try to have a good time.”

Heeseung nods. “What about Truth or Drink? It’s a good way to get to know each other better.”

Everyone exchanges glances, and after a moment, nods of agreement ripple through the group. Heeseung takes charge, explaining the rules quickly. “You either answer the question honestly, or you take a drink. Simple as that.”

The first few rounds are tentative, with everyone choosing relatively safe questions. Gradually, the atmosphere lightens as laughter and teasing fill the room.

Jay looks at Avi. “What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?”

Avi laughs, her cheeks flushing as she recounts a story about a high school talent show gone wrong. The room erupts in laughter, and for the first time, the tension seems to dissipate.

During Sunghoon’s turn, you excuse yourself to get a refill of more banchan from the kitchen. Avi joins you, leaning against the counter as you gather the dishes.

“You know,” Avi says, her voice low so it doesn’t carry back to the others, “Jake and his friends aren’t all that bad.”

You glance at her, surprised but pleased. “Yeah, they’re really nice once you get to know them.”

Avi nods, then her expression turns somber. “I just wish Jungwon was here. Celebrating Chuseok was for him, after all. He was starting to get homesick after missing Chuseok with his family.”

A pang of sadness hits you at the reminder. You take a deep breath, trying to push away the ache in your chest. “I know. I miss him too. But at least he gets to celebrate a real Chuseok with his family.”

Avi gives you a small, sympathetic smile. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. It’s just not the same without him.”

You nod, trying to focus on the positive. “We’ll see him soon enough. And who knows? Maybe things will be better by then.”

Returning to the group with the banchan, you notice the warm, friendly atmosphere that has developed. Jake catches your eye and smiles, after placing down the ceramic serving dish you take a seat beside him.

As the game continues, Jay looks over at you and Jake. “You two make a really cute couple, you know that?”

Before you can respond, Sunghoon and Beomgyu, both tipsy, start hugging each other and pretending to make out, mimicking a couple to tease you and Jake. Everyone bursts into laughter, the playful antics breaking any remaining tension in the room.

Avi playfully rolls her eyes. “Alright, boys, cut it out,” she says with a grin. She glances at the clock on the wall and her eyes widen slightly. “Shit, it’s late. If you guys want, you can sleep over.”

The boys thank her, and the sleeping arrangements are quickly sorted out. Heeseung claims the couch, Sunghoon opts for the blow-up mattress on the floor, and Beomgyu, as always, takes his usual spot in Avi’s room. That leaves Jake and you to share your room.

As you and Jake get up to head to bed, the teasing starts again. “Oh, look at the lovebirds,” Sunghoon calls out, grinning mischievously.

“Don’t have too much fun in there,” Beomgyu adds with a wink.

Avi smirks. “Remember, the walls are thin. I’d appreciate it if Jake could keep his hands to himself tonight.”

Heeseung scoffs, laughing. “Jake doesn’t know what it means to keep his hands to himself.”

Jake rolls his eyes but can’t help but laugh along with everyone. “Fuck off,” he says, taking your hand as you both head to your room, the playful teasing still echoing in your ears.

Once inside your room, you close the door and turn to Jake, who’s still smiling. “That was fun,” he says, wrapping an arm around your waist.

“Yeah, it was,” you agree, leaning into him. “I’m really glad everyone’s getting along.”

Jake nods, his expression softening. “Me too. It means a lot to me.”

He steps back and strips off his shirt, revealing the well-defined muscles beneath. He climbs into your bed, his arms wide open in an inviting gesture. You slide in beside him, curling up on his chest. The warmth of his skin against yours is comforting, and you find yourself drawing little shapes on his chest with your finger. He sighs contentedly, pulling you in closer and kissing the top of your head.

“I’m so thankful for this second chance,” he whispers.

You place a soft kiss on his collarbone. “I’m happy too,” you reply, your voice barely above a whisper.

Jake waits a beat before pushing you away slightly, his expression turning serious. “I need to tell you something,” he says.

Your heart skips a beat. “What is it?”

He takes a deep breath. “The summer before you started at Northeastern, I went back home to Australia. I wanted to make amends, but I found out from my mom how hard you took it when I left. I didn’t realize how much I hurt you until then. When I heard that you didn’t get into Harvard, I felt like I had ruined everything for you. I was crushed.”

You stay silent, listening intently as he continues.

“When I came back, I started drinking and smoking. I even got into LSD. It got to a point where I would wake up, smoke a preroll, go back to bed, wake up again, smoke the remainder, then go about my day and probably smoke another five more times. I drank a lot to forget you and the pain I caused.”

You feel a lump form in your throat as tears well up in your eyes. Jake’s voice trembles slightly as he recounts his past.

“There was this party… I got so crossfaded that I passed out and was unresponsive for over twenty minutes. That was the turning point. Jay cried and begged me to stop. Said he didn’t want to see me dead. That’s why we’re so close. He even gave up drinking for a while to help me out, and Heeseung and Sunghoon gave up parties to support me. They’re like brothers to me, not just friends.”

By now, silent tears are streaming down your face. Jake gently wipes them away, his eyes filled with concern and vulnerability.

“I understand if this changes things for you,” he says softly. “But I needed to tell you.”

You shake your head, your emotions overwhelming you. Leaning in, you kiss him hard, pouring all your feelings into that kiss. When you finally pull away, you look into his eyes, your voice firm and resolute.

“It doesn’t change anything, Jake. If anything, it makes me love you more for your honesty.”

Jake’s eyes glisten with unshed tears, and he pulls you into a tight embrace. “Thank you,” he whispers.

You shift and move yourself onto his lap, straddling his waist, your knees on either side of his legs. You wrap your arms around his neck and place your lips onto his own pouty ones, kissing him slowly. Jake moves his hands to your waist, and grips them tightly before pulling away.

You pout at the loss of contact and move your head to the crook of his neck to place soft kisses there. Jake whines and grips your waist once again.

“B-baby wait.”

You sigh but pull away to look into his eyes.

“We don’t have to do anything we can just cuddle.” Jake says, rubbing slow circles onto your thigh. You shake your head.

“I want to.”

Jake stares into your eyes searching for any hesitance before asking one more time, “are you sure?”

You nod. “As long as you promise to not leave me this time.”

Jake brings a hand up to your cheek and gently caresses it. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Jake's lips fall upon yours again, his lips moving in a frenzied fashion this time.

Instinctively, your arms wrap around his shoulders, pulling him closer into you. Jake lets out a soft growl against your lips before pulling away. Peppering kisses along your jaw, he trails down the column of your throat before nuzzling his face into the juncture of your shoulder.

"God- I've missed you," Jake whispers as he breathes in your calming scent. You place your hands in his hair threading the strands, you lazily play with the locks at the nape of his neck.

"I missed you too. A lot," you moan out as Jake begins to suckle bruises onto the tender flesh of your throat. Jake sucks in a sharp breath at the feeling of you tugging on his hair and immediately switches positions with you. He swiftly cages you between his body and the mattress before moving down to be level with your dripping pussy. You jerk at the sudden movement, your eyes widening at the sight of him.

Jake groans out as he runs his nose along the exposed flesh of your inner thigh. Your breath hitches at the sensation, Jake’s large hands slowly wrap around your thighs before he parts your legs.

Running his nose against your panties, Jake takes in a deep breath before groaning as the scent of your arousal runs through his nose. He pushes your sleep shirt further up your hips, his lips gently kissing his way up the length of your thigh. Positioned just over your hip, Jake places a tender kiss above where your bone is. Then, he bites down on the waistband of your panties before slowly sliding it down your legs.

Gripping one of your thighs, he pulls it to rest over his shoulder, exposing your pussy even more. Jake shudders as the scent of your arousal deepens. Biting his lip, Jake edges closer to your folds before tentatively licking a line: all the way from your core to your clit.

“Oh my gosh,” you groan out, your head lolling back while one of your hands shoots out to tangle into his thick hair. Hearing your low groan, Jake smirks against your pussy before repeating the action. Spikes of pleasure run up and down your spine, your eyelids fluttering as you lose yourself into the pleasure he brings upon your body.

Soft lips wrap around your clit, Jake pulls the sensitive bud into his mouth before lightly sucking on it. His ministrations cause you to gasp - the sound quickly morphing into a heavy moan when he nips your throbbing clit. Tangling your fingers further into his hair, you tug as hard as you can on his hair, trying to get him to move faster.

“J-jake.” you whine needily, desperation heavy in the high pitch of your voice.

Jake pushes two fingers into you, your body jerks at the sudden intrusion as you tug at his hair reflexively. Twisting his fingers into you, Jake pumps his digits in and out, relishing in the feel of your pulsating walls around him as he continues eating you out.

“Cumming-” you gasp out, your voice cracking under the pleasure.

“Then cum baby- cum all over my tongue. wanna taste you, ” Jake urges. The filthiness of his words, paired with the way he harshly sucks your clit, instantly has you cumming.

You whine out his name, gasping for air, you slowly come down from the high of your orgasm. Jake patiently waits for you to come back to reality.

Once you catch your breath he moves up to place a soft kiss on your awaiting lips.

“How are you feeling princess?”

You adjust your shirt to cover your lower half before responding. “Good.”

“Want to continue?”

You nod, “yes. Want to feel you inside me.”

Jake groans at your words. “Do you have a condom?”

You hum and nod your head towards your bedside drawer. “First shelf.”

Jake removes himself from you to walk towards the shelf and takes out the small foil before opening it and rolling the condom over his dick. Sighing at the feeling of finally touching himself. He gives himself a few tugs and makes sure the condom is secured before walking back to you.

Jake’s cock is ready, heavy against his palm as he takes a hold of the base and spreads your legs apart. His chest is littered with beads of sweat. “Your pussy looks so fucking good.” He remarks, letting the pink tip of his dick rub against your wet folds. You both moan at the sensation.

With one more rub of his head, he lines himself against your entrance and slowly pushes his hips forward. You think you could come instantly again.

“Fuck.” You let out as you place a hand on his chest, letting the feel of his cock overtake your entire body. He stops when he’s reached the hilt, careful to rock his hips out before slamming them back into you. You can’t help but cry his name out.

“I won’t last long.” Jake whimpers, you move the hand on his chest to the back of his neck as you push his head forward to kiss you. He follows suit, beginning a rhythmic pace of his hips as you lose yourself further and further into him.

Jake kisses you feverishly, hot and wet against your mouth as he continues to rock in and out of you. His breaths labored, filthy words and curses escaping him as you clench around him with each thrust.

“Ngh- not gonna last long either!” You’re losing your mind, already close to a second orgasm. You know you’re going to come again soon.

Jake takes your legs and places your ankles on his shoulder, plummeting into you with a force so delicious, you’re about to go delirious

“Fuck, turn around for me.” You do as requested, turning to your stomach. Jake pulls your ass up towards him and lines himself up once again. Without hesitation this time, he pushes into you.

“Oh my gosh,” Jake is moaning out. He grabs a handful of your ass, using it as support while he rams into you with no plans of slowing down. The room is filled with the sound of your skin slapping and your shared moans. You have no doubt everyone can hear the two of you.

Jake reaches forward immediately gravitating towards your clit and rubs to bring you over the edge.

It doesn’t take much longer before your heels are digging into the mattress and you’re cumming. You feel Jake still behind you as he releases into the condom.

You lay still, letting your cum dribble out of you as Jake pulls out.

“Was that okay?” Jake asks, leaning forward to kiss your shoulder. You nod in reassurance, twisting your head around so he can kiss your lips.

“More than okay.”

The morning light filters softly through the blinds as you slide out of Jake’s arms, careful not to wake him. You dress quickly and head to the kitchen, intent on starting breakfast for your guests. To your surprise, you find Jay already there, rummaging through the ingredients and setting up to make breakfast.

“Jay?” you say, taken aback but not entirely surprised. He looks up and gives you a sheepish smile.

“Hey,” he replies, cracking an egg into a bowl. “Figured I’d get a head start.”

You smile and move to help him, grabbing a knife and starting to cut up some fruit. As you chop strawberries, the silence between you feels companionable. Finally, you muster the courage to speak up. “Thank you.”

Jay glances up from the omelette he’s making, his brow furrowing in confusion. “For what?”

You put down the knife and turn to face him fully. “Thank you for taking care of Jake when I couldn’t.”

Jay’s expression softens, and he shakes his head. “You don’t need to thank me. I love Jake. He’s like a brother to me.”

You nod, appreciating his sincerity. You both return to your tasks, the kitchen filled with the sound of sizzling and chopping. After a moment, Jay speaks up again.

“Are you confident in your decision to be with Jake?” he asks gently.

You hesitate, your hands pausing mid-chop. Jay notices and quickly adds, “I won’t judge you, whatever your answer is.”

You take a deep breath, considering your words carefully. “I’m happy to finally have the boy I’ve always loved,” you begin slowly. “But sometimes… sometimes I find myself thinking about Jungwon and what could have been.”

Jay nods, understanding in his eyes. “I get it. But you need to decide who you want to be with. Jake is fully invested in you, and I’d hate to see him destroyed if you drag this out only to decide you want Jungwon in the end.”

His words hit hard, and you can’t help but fall silent, lost in thought. The reality of your situation settles heavily on your shoulders. You return to chopping strawberries, your mind racing.

Jay reaches over and places a hand on your shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Whatever you decide, just be honest with yourself and with them. That’s all anyone can ask.”

You nod, grateful for his words and his support. As the two of you finish preparing breakfast, you can’t shake the feeling of uncertainty that lingers. With the fruit salad complete and the omelettes almost ready, you begin to bring the food out. As you enter the living room, Heeseung rises and shakes awake Sunghoom so they can take their seat on the floor as you bring in plates of food.

One by one, everyone makes their way to the living room, the aroma of breakfast drawing them in. Avi and Beomgyu are next, followed by Jay, who gives you a reassuring nod. Jake is the last to emerge, his hair tousled and a sleepy smile on his face. He takes a seat beside you, wrapping an arm around your shoulders.

The room falls into a comfortable silence as everyone starts to eat. But it doesn’t last long.

Beomgyu is the first to break the silence. “You two are disgusting,” he says, pointing his fork at you and Jake. “Do you know everyone heard you last night?”

Avi groans, covering her ears dramatically. “My poor ears!”

Heeseung and Sunghoon join in, laughing and shaking their heads. “Seriously, guys,” Sunghoon says, rolling his eyes. “Couldn’t you have kept it down a bit?”

You hide your face in Jake’s chest, your cheeks burning with embarrassment. Jake chuckles, rubbing your back soothingly. “Hey, come on,” he says, defending the two of you. “We weren’t that loud.”

Avi rolls her eyes playfully. “Sure, Jake. Whatever helps you sleep at night.”

Heeseung smirks before letting the loudest moan rip from his throat. “fuck jake…i’m not gonna last long.” He exclaims, his voice exaggerated and mocking.

Mortified, you cover your face with your hands, wishing the ground would swallow you up. “Heeseung, stop!” Jake says, trying to suppress his own laughter. “Seriously, guys, cut it out.”

But the rest of them join in, their laughter filling the room. Avi tries to hold back her giggles as she adds, “I swear, I thought you were filming a movie in there.”

Beomgyu grins, leaning into Sunghoon as they both mimic exaggerated kissing noises. “Oh, Jake! Oh, yes!” Beomgyu echoes, clutching his sides in laughter.

You groan, burying your face even deeper into Jake’s chest. “I can’t believe this,” you mumble, your voice muffled.

Jake’s arm tightens around you protectively. “Alright, alright, enough,” he says, trying to sound serious but failing to hide his amusement.

Heeseung, still giggling, wipes a tear from his eye. “Sorry, we couldn’t resist. But seriously, you guys are cute together.”

You peek out from behind your hands, your face still flushed. “Thanks, I guess,” you mutter, trying to salvage some dignity.

Jake kisses the top of your head, whispering, “Don’t worry about them. They’re just jealous.”

Beomgyu scoffs, “jealous? Please I can pull anyone.”

Avi snorts. “And yet you’re still bitchless.”

November 30th

It’s now Saturday and you're out buying groceries, determined to do a dorm refresh. It’s been a busy few days, and you’re looking forward to a quiet evening to reorganize your space and settle into some semblance of normalcy before classes start back up. With bags in hand, you make your way back to your dorm, already planning out how you’ll spend the rest of the day.

As you approach your door, you notice a bouquet of peonies resting against the frame. You pause, staring at the flowers. You know they’re from Jake. He used to give you peonies on your dates back in Australia, a sweet gesture that always made you smile. But now, they serve as a cutting reminder of how much has changed since Jake has been back in your life. You’ve hated peonies ever since he left.

Lost in your thoughts, you don’t notice Jungwon coming in through the hallway with his suitcase behind him. He stops when he sees the flowers and then looks up at you.

“I would’ve known to get you lilies,” he comments, his voice cutting through your reverie. “Unlike Jake.”

You’re pulled out of your thoughts and make eye contact with Jungwon. It’s silent for a second as you take him in, noting the travel weariness in his eyes.

“How was Korea?” you ask tentatively.

He’s vague and blunt with his answer. “Fine.”

You shift on your feet, feeling the weight of the unspoken tension between you. “Did you have a good Chuseok?”

Jungwon nods, then looks at the peonies again before his gaze returns to you. “Jake doesn’t know anything about you,” he says, his tone sharp.

Before you can respond, he sidesteps you and enters his dorm, leaving you alone with your thoughts. You stare after him, the hurt in his words lingering in the air. Slowly, you bend down to pick up the bouquet. Carrying the peonies inside your dorm, you can’t help but think about how much has changed and how complicated everything has become. You place the flowers on the counter, staring at them for a moment before you begin unpacking your groceries.

Determined to keep yourself preoccupied, you dive into cleaning the entire dorm. You scrub the floors, dust the shelves, and organize every corner until everything is spotless and in perfect order. The physical activity helps clear your mind, but the lingering thoughts and feelings remain just below the surface.

As you finish wiping down the kitchen counter, your phone buzzes with a text. It’s from Avi.

[November 30th, 7:53 PM]

[avi]: hey, can you meet me at snell? i forgot my key :p

[you]: yeah what room number?

[avi]: 0119

Grabbing your keys, you head for the door. Just as you’re about to leave, another text comes in. This time, it’s from Jake.

[November 30th, 7:55 PM]

[jake]: did you receive my gift? :D

You pause, looking back at the peonies on the counter. After a moment of contemplation, you walk over to them, pick them up, and dump them in the trash. You text Jake back.

[November 30th, 7:57 PM]

[you]: yes, they’re beautiful. thank you.

With that, you leave your dorm, locking the door behind you. As you make your way to the classroom to meet Avi, you try to push the confusion and hurt to the back of your mind.

When you arrive, Avi is waiting by the door, looking relieved to see you. “Thank you so much for coming. I can’t believe I forgot my key.”

“It’s no problem,” you reply, handing her the spare key you’ve brought along.

Avi takes the key but doesn't move to grab her things right away. Instead, she looks at you with an expression of concern. “Hey, I’m really sorry... for everything. I love you, you know that, right?”

You furrow your brow in confusion. “Of course I know that. Why are you saying this now?”

Before you can react, Avi gives you a gentle but firm shove, pushing you into the classroom. The door slams shut behind you, and you hear the unmistakable sound of it being locked. You whirl around, banging on the door. “Avi! What the hell?”

From the other side of the door, you hear Avi’s voice, firm and resolute. “You’re not allowed to leave until you make amends with Jungwon.”

“What?” you shout, turning back to face the room. Your eyes land on Jungwon, who is sitting at one of the desks, lazily twirling a pencil between his fingers. The sight of him only heightens your agitation.

You bang on the door again. “Avi, let me out! This isn’t funny.”

Beomgyu’s face appears in the small window of the door. “No can do. We’re tired of you talking about how much you miss Jungwon and tired of him asking about you. You two need to hurry up and make up.”

The weight of their words sinks in as you slowly turn back to Jungwon, who has now stopped playing with the pencil and is watching you with a guarded expression. The tension in the room is palpable, and for a moment, neither of you speaks.

Finally, you break the silence. “Jungwon, this is ridiculous. We don’t have to do this.”

Jungwon raises an eyebrow. “Do you really think they’ll let us out if we don’t?”

You take a deep breath, trying to calm your racing heart. “I’m sorry, okay? For everything. I know I hurt you, and I’m really, really sorry.”

Jungwon’s expression remains neutral, but his eyes reveal the hurt and anger he still feels. “It’s not that simple.”

“I know,” you say softly, taking a tentative step towards him. “I’ve been a terrible friend. I got caught up in everything with Jake and neglected the people who matter most to me. I hate that I did that to you.”

Jungwon looks down at the pencil in his hand, spinning it slowly. “It’s more than that. You led me on and had me think we could ever be something.”

Your heart sinks at his words. “Jungwon, I never meant to lead you on. I didn’t realize how you felt until it was too late.”

He scoffs, finally looking up at you. “How could you not realize? I was always there for you, always trying to show you how much I cared. But you were too wrapped up in yourself to see it.”

You feel a flare of defensiveness rise within you. “Jungwon, I told you from the start that I didn’t do relationships. You knew that about me.”

Jungwon’s eyes narrow. “Then what was the point in telling me at the party you were ready to move on? If you knew you still didn’t want to date, why give me the false hope?”

You falter, his words hitting harder than you expected. “I…I thought I was ready.”

He shakes his head, frustration evident. “But you weren’t. And in the process, you played with my feelings. Do you know how confusing and hurtful that is?”

“I’m sorry, Jungwon,” you say, your voice shaking. “I didn’t mean to give you false hope. I genuinely meant what I said at the party! I wasn’t expecting Jake to come back into my life.”

Jungwon looks at you, his expression hard to read. “So, what now? You just expect me to forget everything and be okay with being your second choice?”

You shake your head vehemently. “No, that’s not what I’m saying. I just want you to understand that I was confused. I never meant to hurt you, Jungwon. I care about you so much.”

“Caring about someone isn’t enough,” he says quietly, his voice tinged with sadness.

A heavy silence settles between you, thick with unresolved tension. Jungwon breaks it with a question that slices through the air. “Why Jake?”

You look up, startled. “What do you mean?”

“He doesn’t know you like I do,” Jungwon continues, his voice raw. “You’re not the same girl he grew up with. You’ve changed, and he hasn’t been here to see that.”

You open your mouth, but no words come out. Finally, you manage to say, “he’s my first love.”

“That doesn’t mean he has to be your only love,” Jungwon counters, taking a step closer. His eyes bore into yours, filled with an intensity that makes your heart race.

Before you can respond, he steps even closer, his breath warm against your skin. He’s so close you can feel the heat radiating off him. For a moment, it feels like he’s about to kiss you, but then your phone rings, breaking the moment.

You glance at the screen: it’s Jake. Jungwon’s eyes flicker to the phone and back to you, pleading. “Don’t answer it.”

You hesitate but then silence the call, your heart pounding in your chest. Jungwon’s expression softens, and he reaches up to caress your cheek. “You deserve someone who knows you inside and out. Someone who’s been there through everything. I’m that someone.”

His words hang in the air, and before you can process them, he leans in and kisses you. It’s gentle at first, a question rather than a demand. You respond, your arms wrapping around his neck as the kiss deepens, your emotions swirling together in a mix of confusion, guilt, and longing.

When you finally pull away, you’re both breathless. The weight of what just happened settles over you. Jungwon searches your eyes, his thumb still tracing your cheek. “I love you,” he whispers. “I’ve always loved you.”

You stand there, your heart torn between the familiarity of your past and the promise of your future. The sound of your phone vibrating with another call from Jake is a distant echo as you and Jungwon stare at each other, caught in a moment that feels like it could change everything.

“We shouldn’t have done that,” you say, your voice shaking.

Jungwon shrugs, his eyes unwavering. “I don’t feel bad about it.”

You swallow hard, the weight of his words settling over you. “Jungwon, this isn’t fair. I’m so confused right now.”

He takes a deep breath, his gaze softening. “I’m serious about you. I’ve always been. I want you to give us a chance.”

His words hang in the air, heavy with meaning. You’re once again faced with the ultimatum: Jake or Jungwon. The pressure feels unbearable, your heart torn in two directions. Before you can respond, there’s a loud knock on the door.

“Have you two made up yet?” Beomgyu’s voice calls from the other side, filled with impatience.

You and Jungwon exchange a look, the weight of the unspoken words between you. You shake your head, unable to bring yourself to lie. But Jungwon pulls away from you and steps forward, his hand brushing against yours as he replies, “Yeah, we’ve made up.”

The door opens, and Avi and Beomgyu peer in, looking between the two of you. Jungwon gives you one last look, longing swimming in his eyes, before he steps past them and leaves the room. 

Your phone starts ringing again, Jake’s name flashing on the screen. You stare at it, the decision you need to make feeling more daunting than ever. As the door closes behind Jungwon, you’re left standing there, the sound of the phone’s persistent ring echoing in the silence.

Avi steps forward, concern etched on her face. “How do you feel? How did things go?”

You take a deep breath. “We... we kissed.”

Both Avi and Beomgyu’s eyes widen in shock. “You what?” Avi exclaims, her voice a mixture of surprise and concern.

Beomgyu, recovering first, gives you a thoughtful look. “Are you going to tell Jake?”

Avi cuts in, “You don’t have to.”

Beomgyu raises a brow at her. “Seriously,”

Avi shrugs, “what? I support women’s right and wrongs.”

You hesitate, the previous question hanging heavy in the air. “I... I don’t know what I’m going to do,” you admit. “Everything’s so complicated.”

Beomgyu sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Look, as much as I've grown to like Jake, I’ve always thought Jungwon was the right one for you. He understands you in a way Jake never will.”

Avi elbows him lightly, shooting him a warning look. “Beomgyu, that’s not helping.” She turns to you, her eyes soft with sympathy. “But... I kind of agree. You and Jungwon just…click.”

You look between your two friends, feeling more conflicted than ever. “I don’t know what to do,” you whisper, your voice breaking. “I care about both of them, but...”

Avi steps closer, wrapping an arm around your shoulders. “Take your time. You don’t have to decide right now. Just...think about what makes you happiest, what feels right in your heart.”

You take a deep breath, trying to steady the whirlwind of emotions inside you. “I just don’t want to hurt anyone.”

Avi looks at you with understanding. “Sometimes, no matter what you choose, someone might get hurt.”

Your phone rings again, cutting through the tense silence. Beomgyu glances at the screen and then at you. “It’s Jake. You should answer.”

Hesitant, you pick up the call. “Hey, Jake.”

“Hi baby!,” he says, his voice filled with concern. “Are you okay? You sounded off earlier.”

“I’m fine,” you lie, trying to keep your voice steady. “Just busy studying.”

He hums, seemingly convinced. “Okay. Are you free for a date tomorrow?”

A twinge of guilt strikes you, but you push it aside. “Sure, I’d love that.”

You exchange a few more pleasantries before hanging up. Once you turn off your phone, Avi immediately asks, “What was that about?”

You sigh, feeling the weight of the situation. “Jake wants to go on a date tomorrow.”

Avi nods thoughtfully. “Remember, you don’t have to tell Jake anything until you’re ready.”

Beomgyu raises an eyebrow at her. “Again, seriously?”

Avi shrugs. “What? Women’s rights and wrongs, remember?”

You can’t help but smile a little at her words, but the smile quickly fades. “I don’t know what I’ll do,” you admit quietly.

Beomgyu comfortingly pats your back, more serious now. “Being upfront now might be hard, but it’ll save a lot of heartache later on.”

Avi then adds, “Or you could try being single for a bit. I promise it’s not all that bad.”

The three of you laugh, the tension easing slightly. Avi’s joke, though lighthearted, seems to resonate with all of you. 

“Yeah, maybe I’ll take that under consideration,” you say, the weight on your shoulders feeling a bit lighter.

Beomgyu grins. “Hey, it’s always an option. Plus, more time for group hangouts.”

Avi nods enthusiastically. “Exactly! We could use more friend time without any of the boy drama.”

You chuckle, appreciating their attempts to cheer you up. “Thanks, guys. I really needed this.”

“Anytime,” Avi says, linking her arm with yours. “Now, let’s get back to the dorm. We’ve got snacks and a Netflix queue waiting for us.”

Beomgyu wraps an arm around both of you, guiding you back. “And maybe some ice cream? I feel like this conversation calls for ice cream.”

You laugh again, feeling grateful for your friends.

“Do you have a lot of finals coming up?” Jake asks, trying to keep the conversation light.

The two of you are currently at Naksan, an expensive new KBBQ restaurant that opened up near your campus. Jake had wanted to take you out sightseeing but given the cold Boston weather the two of you couldn’t stay out long so he decided what better way to warm up than sizzling hot meat.

The atmosphere is lively, filled with the sizzle of meat on grills and the hum of conversation. Jake tries to make small talk, you’ve been out of it all day lost in your head. His eyes search your face for any hint of what’s bothering you.

You shake your head slightly, offering a small smile. “No, only a few. Nothing too overwhelming.”

He nods, turning the meat on the grill. “What about winter break? Do you have any plans?”

You shrug, avoiding his gaze. “Not sure yet. I’m not going back to Australia because the break isn’t that long.”

Jake’s face lights up a bit. “Jay and Sunghoon were talking about renting a cabin over the break. They thought it would be fun if you and your friends joined us.”

“That sounds fun,” you reply half-heartedly. “I’m sure Avi and Beomgyu would be down for that.”

Jake seems to notice your lack of enthusiasm but presses on. “What about inviting Jungwon too? The more, the merrier, right?”

You don’t respond, knowing that Jungwon would never agree to be around Jake. The silence between you grows heavy, the unspoken words hanging in the air.

Jake places some grilled meat on your plate, watching you closely. “Are you okay?” he asks, concern evident in his voice.

Instead of answering, you look up at him and ask, “What’s my favorite color?”

Jake looks confident but confused as he answers, “Black.”

You shake your head. “That was my favorite color two years ago because it’s all you would ever wear. It’s pink now.”

Jake nods, trying to hide his surprise. “Okay, I’ll make a mental note of that.”

He places more meat on the grill, but you’re not done. “What are my hobbies?” you ask.

Jake is at a loss, hesitating before guessing, “Baking?”

You shake your head again. “Photography. Crochet. Painting. All things I started doing once you left to get my life back on track because all I ever knew was you. I didn’t have an identity when you were around. I did it so I could forget you.”

Jake clenches the tongs tighter, his jaw setting as he places new meat on the grill. “What is this about?” he asks, his voice strained.

You look down at your plate, feeling the weight of the conversation. “A lot has changed since you’ve been in my life. I’m starting to realize that maybe I need to figure out who I am without you.”

Jake looks at you, confusion and frustration etched on his face. “What are you talking about? I’m still the same Jake you’ve known since we were kids.”

You shake your head firmly but gently. “No. You’re not. And there’s nothing wrong with that, but I think we’ve been pretending that nothing has changed when everything has changed.”

Jake’s agitation grows. “What are you trying to get at?”

You try to calm him down, your voice softening. “Maybe we rushed things? Maybe we needed time to actually get to know each other again before jumping into a relationship.”

“Where is this coming from?” Jake demands, his voice rising.

Taking a deep breath, you meet his gaze. “I finally talked to Jungwon. He helped me realize just how much I’ve changed.” You avoid mentioning the kiss, knowing it would only escalate things.

Jake’s anger flares. “This is our relationship, not ours plus Jungwon’s. Why are you letting him get in between what we have.”

A light scoff escapes your lips. “Within the past two weeks, I’ve been slipping into old habits. I’ve considered transferring schools for your sake and sobriety. I picked you over Jungwon without any explanation. Every decision I’ve made since you came back revolves around you in some way.”

Jake, absolutely livid, leans forward, his eyes burning with anger. “I never asked you to do any of that. It’s not my fault you have a savior complex.”

His words cut deep, and the air between you becomes thick with tension, the restaurant's noise fading into the background. Your anger simmers beneath the surface, and when Jake challenges you with his accusation, you can't hold back.

“You’ve got to be kidding me?” Your voice rises, laced with incredulity and hurt. “Savior complex? I’ve only ever loved and supported you!”

Jake’s jaw tightens, his frustration evident. “No, you’ve only ever tried to fix me! I don’t need to be fixed! Spoiler alert, not everyone can be as perfect as you, ____!”

His words hit you like a blow, but you refuse to back down. “I’m not perfect, Jake. I never claimed to be. But if you can’t see how much I’ve tried to make this work, then maybe we shouldn’t be together.”

Jake’s expression hardens, his voice low and cutting. “So, what now? You’re just going to walk away?”

“Why are we even together?” Your voice trembles with anger and betrayal.

You lock eyes with Jake, the heat of your emotions mirrored in his gaze. The silence between you is heavy with unspoken truths and shattered illusions. With a surge of indignation, you push back from the table, your chair scraping loudly against the floor.

“I can’t believe I fell for your lies again.” The words spill from your lips, each one dripping with bitterness and disappointment.

Without another glance at Jake, you turn and walk away, leaving him sitting there, his anger and confusion swirling around him like a storm. The weight of your decision hangs heavy on your shoulders, but deep down, you know it’s the right one.

Outside the restaurant, the cold air hits you sharply, intensifying the pain in your chest. You navigate the streets with blurred vision, tears streaming down your face until you find yourself standing outside Jungwon's door. You hesitate for a moment, but the need for comfort outweighs any doubts.

When Jungwon opens the door, his confusion is evident in his sleep-ruffled appearance. His messy hair and casual attire contrast sharply with the intensity in his eyes as he takes in your tear-streaked face. Without a word, he steps aside, allowing you to enter.

You don't hesitate this time. You throw yourself into his arms, seeking comfort in his embrace. Jungwon holds you gently, his hands soothing circles on your back. "What's wrong?" he asks softly, concern lacing his voice.

Between sobs, you manage to recount the disastrous dinner with Jake, the accusations, and the painful realization that your relationship with him might have been built on illusions. Jungwon listens in silence, his expression a mix of understanding and restrained frustration.

"H-he said I have a savior complex! Can you believe that!?"

Jungwon stares at you blankly as you rage on.

"I love you too much to stand here and listen to you cry about Jake," He finally says, his voice tinged with agitation. "I warned you, told you to decide, and yet you ran into his arms anyway. Now he's broken your heart yet again."

You sniffle, clinging to him desperately. His words are like a bitter pill, hard to swallow but painfully true. "I refuse to be the person you come to pick up the broken pieces of your heart every time you let someone else break it," Jungwon continues, his voice firm but pained. "I want to be the one who holds your heart, who gets to love you and treat you right."

Your heart sinks at his words, realization settling in like a heavy weight. "Jungwon, please," you plead, your voice shaky. Not even sure yourself what it is you’re begging for.

He pulls away gently, his eyes searching yours. "I can't subject myself to standing here and listening to you go on about another man," he says softly. "For my own sake, I need you to leave."

Shock courses through you, leaving you speechless. You try to protest, to explain, but Jungwon remains resolute. "Don't come back until you really know what you want," he says firmly. "Otherwise, leave me alone."

With those words ringing in your ears, you stand there, grappling with the magnitude of his decision and your own emotions. Reluctantly, you turn away, leaving Jungwon behind, the ache in your chest now compounded by regret and uncertainty.

As you walk back to your dorm, the weight of everything crashes down on you. It’s not just the fight with Jake or Jungwon's firm stance; it’s the realization of how selfish you’ve been, stringing Jungwon along and using him as your emotional crutch. He’s always been there, loving you without any conditions, and you’ve taken that for granted.

Each step feels heavier than the last, the cold hallway air biting at your skin as you replay Jungwon’s words in your mind. You’ve leaned on him for so long, taking his unconditional support and affection as a given. He was your safe haven, the one person you could always turn to without fear of judgment. But in doing so, you’ve hurt him deeply, using his love as a safety net without offering the same in return.

When you finally close the door to your dorm, the tears you’ve been holding back flood out, and you collapse against the door, your sobs echoing in the empty space. The full weight of your actions, the hurt you’ve caused, and the pain you’ve inflicted on someone who means so much to you crashes down, leaving you feeling raw and exposed.

The sound of your anguish draws Avi out of her room, and she rushes to your side, her face etched with worry. “What happened?” she asks softly, kneeling beside you and wrapping an arm around your shoulders.

You struggle to get the words out, your voice broken by sobs. “I’ve been such a horrible person,” you cry, the realization choking you. “I’ve been using Jungwon, leading him on while I figured out my feelings for Jake. I’ve been so unfair to him.”

Avi sighs, her hand rubbing soothing circles on your back. “At least you’re self-aware?” she says quietly, her words both a comfort and a sting. “Maybe for now you need to learn how to be comfortable with being alone.”

You nod through your tears, the truth of her words settling deep within you. “I’ve been so selfish,” you whisper. “He’s always been there for me, and I’ve taken him for granted. I never realized how much I was hurting him.”

Avi’s eyes are filled with sympathy, but she doesn’t sugarcoat the reality. “You need to give him space and time to heal,” she says. “And you need to figure out who you are and what you really want without any guys in the picture. You can’t keep bouncing between Jake and Jungwon. It’s not fair to either of them, and it’s not fair to yourself.”

You sniff, wiping at your tears, the weight of her words pressing down on you. “I know,” you admit. “I just… I don’t know how to start.”

Avi pulls you into a tighter hug, her voice gentle but firm. “You start by letting Jungwon go and focusing on yourself. You need to stop using him as a crutch and start dealing with your feelings head-on.”

You take a deep breath, trying to steady your emotions. For Jungwon’s sake, and for your own, you need to let go. As you sit there, leaning against the door with Avi by your side, you resolve to take the first step. It’s time to stop running from your feelings and face the consequences of your actions. It’s time to let Jungwon heal and to finally figure out who you are without relying on anyone else.

Sunday | Present Day

A week has come to pass and it's now December 8th. The days have blurred together as you've submerged yourself in studying for finals, avoiding any interactions with Beomgyu and Avi. You’re up before the sun, attending classes, and then disappearing into the library until the dead of night. Jake’s reached out a few times, begging to see you and apologies for how he acted but they all remain unanswered. You don't know how to approach that conversation. Jungwon, on the other hand, hasn’t texted at all, and that silence cuts deeper than you’d care to admit.

It's 5 a.m., and you're trying to sneak out to the library yet again, hoping to escape unnoticed. But as you step into the living room, you’re startled to find Avi sitting on the couch, waiting for you.

“Where do you think you’re going?” she asks, her voice cutting through the early morning silence.

You freeze, caught off guard. It’s almost comical, being in trouble for studying too much. But Avi’s expression tells you this is no joke.

“Avi, I... I was just going to the library,” you stammer, clutching your books tighter.

Avi stands, her eyes never leaving yours. “I’ve been nothing but patient with you, giving you space and time to figure things out. But it’s clear that you’re just running away from everything.”

“Avi, I’m just trying to focus on my finals,” you protest weakly.

She shakes her head, her frustration evident. “Bullshit, you’re using your finals as an excuse to avoid dealing with your problems. I’m sick of you being so selfish.”

Her words sting, but you know she’s right. You’ve been hiding, avoiding the difficult conversations you need to have.

“All eight of us are going on the ski trip for winter break next week,” Avi continues, her tone firm. “And you need to get yourself together before then. There won’t be peace or fun if nearly half the house is beefing.”

You look at her in shock. “Jungwon agreed to go?”

“Yes,” Avi confirms, her gaze unwavering. “But that doesn’t mean he’s forgiven you. You need to talk to him, and to Jake. It’s clear you care for both of them, but you’ve handled this terribly. They’re both humans with real emotions, and it’s not fair to keep them in the dark.”

You swallow hard, the guilt washing over you. “I understand.”

“Do you?” Avi presses, her eyes piercing. “Because if you did, you wouldn’t be running away to the library every chance you get. You need to do better. For their sake and for yours.”

Tears well up in your eyes, the weight of her words sinking in. “I’m sorry, Avi. I just... I don’t know how to fix this.”

Avi’s expression softens slightly, but her resolve remains. “You start by being honest with them, and with yourself. Talk to Jake, talk to Jungwon. Tell them how you feel, and let them decide what they want to do. You can’t control their reactions, but you can at least give them the truth.”

You nod, wiping away a tear. “Okay. I’ll do it.”

Avi takes a step closer, placing a comforting hand on your shoulder. “I love you, but you need to do better. This isn’t just about you. It’s about them, too. They deserve honesty.”

“I know,” you whisper, your voice breaking.

Avi pulls you into a hug, her voice gentle but firm. “You’re going to get through this, but you need to stop running. Don’t put it off any longer.”

She pulls back, looking at you with a mixture of love and teasing. “I can’t believe you’ve made me actually like Jake,” she says with a mock grimace. “Seriously, you’ve managed to make me sympathize with that guy. It’s almost impressive.”

You let out a shaky laugh, the tension easing a bit. “I guess that’s one way to measure my impact.”

Avi smiles, giving you a playful nudge. “I’m not that angry with you, you know. Just frustrated because I know you’re capable of handling this better.”

“Thanks, Avi,” you say, your voice filled with gratitude. “I really appreciate you looking out for me.”

“Always,” she replies, her tone softening. “Now, go get some sleep, I know you’re miserable with all the studying you’ve been doing.”

You both laugh before you nod, “I will.”

Avi gives you one last encouraging squeeze before retreating back to her room. As she disappears behind her door, you stand there for a moment, thinking of what to do.

With a deep breath, you head back to your room and pull out your phone.

[December 8th, 5:27 AM]

[you]: are you free later today to talk? 

Once the message is sent you toss your phone aside and get back under your covers letting the warm embrace of sleep take you once more.

͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏͏ ͏ ͏ ͏͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏ ͏___

knock ! knock

You look up from your seated position on the couch once your mind registers the knocks on your front door. You walk towards the door to let them in. You do a once over in the mirror and flatten out any wrinkles in your dress before opening the door.

Jake stands there, looking slightly awkward, hands shoved into his pockets. His eyes meet yours with a mix of hesitation and what seems to be acceptance. 

“Hey,” he says softly.

“Hey,” you reply, stepping aside to let him in.

Jake takes a seat on the couch and looks around the room, his eyes scanning every corner as if searching for something familiar. “Are we alone?” he asks, his voice almost a whisper.

You nod. “Yeah, Avi is out hanging with Beomgyu.”

Jake nods, playing with his fingers, a nervous habit you recognize. Your fingers itch to hold his hand. The silence between you is thick, almost suffocating. Both of you open your mouths at the same time, starting to speak before stopping and laughing awkwardly.

“You go first,” you encourage, offering him a small, reassuring smile.

Jake takes a deep breath. “I’m really sorry for how I reacted the other day,” he begins, his voice sincere. “I didn’t handle it well, and I shouldn’t have lashed out at you. You were bringing up genuine concerns in our relationship, and I got defensive.”

You nod, listening intently as he continues.

“It stung, hearing about Jungwon. It felt like he took my spot in your life while I was gone. But you’re right—we have changed. We’re not the same people we were back then.”

You bite your lip, feeling the weight of his words. When he finishes, you take a deep breath and gather the courage to say what you need to. “Jake, I kissed Jungwon.”

Jake looks taken aback, but there’s no anger in his eyes, just a sadness that seems to have been lingering for a while. He nods slowly, almost as if he expected it. “What now?” he asks, his voice soft.

You sigh, feeling a lump form in your throat. “I appreciate your apology, and I’m sorry for kissing Jungwon. But I think it’s best if we end things here.”

Jake swallows hard at your words but he doesn’t say anything back, he lets you continue.

“A part of my heart will always belong to you, and I’ll always love you, but we’re different people now. It was naive of us to think we could just jump into a relationship without taking the time to get to know each other again, without being friends first.”

Jake’s eyes fill with tears, and despite his efforts to hide them, a few escape down his cheeks. “I understand,” he says, his voice trembling. “I’ll always love you, too. If anything changes for you, I’ll always be here.”

You’re both crying now, the emotional weight of the moment almost too much to bear. You stand up, and he follows suit, wrapping you in a tight hug. The embrace is bittersweet, filled with love and loss.

After a few moments, you pull back slightly, looking into his eyes. “Don’t be a stranger, okay? I’d still love to be friends.”

Jake nods and smiles, his tears still flowing. “Me too.”

You see him out, giving him one last hug in the hallway. As he rounds the corner, Jungwon comes into view. He sees you wiping away your tears as Jake sniffs and clears his throat before leaving. Jungwon pauses, watching the exchange.

You manage a gentle smile at Jungwon. “Would you like to come in?” you ask softly.

Jungwon stares at you for a moment, his expression unreadable. Then he nods, following you back into your room. The silence is heavy, but it’s not the same as it was with Jake. This silence almost feels…hopeful? Maybe, just maybe, there’s a chance for something different between you.

As you close the door behind you both, Jungwon stands awkwardly in the center of your room, unsure of what to do or say. “Are you okay?” he asks finally, his voice gentle.

You manage a smile, though tears still linger in your eyes. “I’m okay,” you assure him softly. “Just... processing everything.”

You motion for him to take a seat on the couch while you step into your room to grab something. You return with a small gift bag, decorated with a simple blue ribbon. “Here,” you say quietly, handing it to him.

Jungwon looks down at the bag, then up at you, confusion flickering across his face. “What’s this?” he asks, his voice filled with curiosity.

You take a deep breath, meeting his gaze. “It’s not much,” you start, your voice catching slightly. “But I wanted to give you something. A start towards... a new beginning.”

He cautiously opens the bag and peers inside, finding cherry gummies, old Polaroids of the two of you from happier times, a sheep-shaped keychain, a gift card to Tatte, and other small trinkets that hold significance. Jungwon lifts the Polaroids, his eyes flickering over the captured moments of laughter and shared adventures.

“What’s all this for?” he asks softly, still trying to process your sudden gesture of affection.

You swallow, gathering your thoughts. “I know it’s not enough to fix everything I’ve done,” you begin, your voice earnest. “But each of these... they represent moments from our friendship that I took for granted. The cherry gummies for the late-night talks and movie nights, the Polaroids for the memories we shared, the keychain because you’re like a little sheep, and I have a matching one on my keys...”

Jungwon listens quietly, his expression unreadable.

“The gift card,” you continue, “is my way of paying forward all those times you woke up at the crack of dawn to get me croissants from the French bakery. I never properly thanked you for that.”

He finally looks up at you, his eyes searching yours. There’s a mix of emotions in his gaze—confusion, surprise, and perhaps a hint of cautious hope.

You take a deep breath, your heart pounding in your chest. “Jungwon, I’ve been blind,” you confess, your voice trembling slightly. “I had something amazing right in front of me, and I... I blew it because I was stuck in my past. I took advantage of your kindness, made you a second choice instead of treating you like you deserved.”

Jungwon remains silent, processing your words.

“You were the one who loved me without conditions,” you continue, your voice cracking with emotion. “You were patient with me, showed me what it’s like to be loved deeply by someone who’s willing to brave the pain of not having that love returned.”

Still, Jungwon says nothing, but he listens intently, his expression softening slightly.

“I ended things with Jake,” you admit, a small smile tugging at your lips through the tears. “I see now that we were never meant to be anything more than each other’s first love.”

Jungwon’s eyes widen in surprise at your revelation. “You... let Jake go?” he asks softly, as if needing confirmation.

You nod, your smile widening just a fraction. “It was time,” you say with a shrug, though the decision still weighs heavily on your heart.

He takes a moment to absorb this new piece of information before speaking again. “And what about us?” he asks quietly, his voice tinged with vulnerability.

You take a step closer to him, closing the distance between you. “If you’re still willing,” you begin, your voice steady despite the nerves fluttering in your stomach, “I would love to try again. To take things slow, as friends, while I figure out who I am and what I want. And when we’re both ready, maybe... we can try our hand at dating.”

Jungwon stares at you, his expression unreadable for a moment. Then, slowly, a small smile spreads across his face—the kind of smile that reaches his eyes and warms your heart.

“I’d like that,” he finally says, his voice filled with sincerity.

You exhale a breath you didn’t realize you were holding, relief flooding through you. “Thank you,” you whisper, feeling a weight lift off your shoulders.

Jungwon steps forward, wrapping you in a warm embrace. You melt into his arms, feeling a sense of homecoming you hadn’t realized you’d been missing.

“I’m sorry, Jungwon,” you say again, this time from the bottom of your heart. “I’ve been such a shitty friend. Selfish. But I want to do better. I want to make things right.”

He pulls back slightly to look at you, his gaze tender. “You already are,” he says softly. “Let’s take it slow. Figure things out together.”

You nod, tears of relief and happiness streaming down your cheeks. For the first time in weeks, you feel as though you’re finally doing something right.

As you stand there in Jungwon's embrace, your heart feels lighter, Jake was your first—a boy whose love had once been the center of your universe. Even now, a part of you will always carry him with you. You know you will love him to the ends of the earth, cherishing the memories you shared, the lessons learned, and the person you became because of him.

But as you look at Jungwon, holding you with a warmth and gentleness that feels like coming home, you realize that your heart has found room for another. Yang Jungwon. The first man to show you the true meaning of selfless love. His patience, his unwavering support, and the way he saw you—the real you—without conditions or expectations. He has taught you that love doesn't demand to be earned or proven; it simply exists, patiently waiting for you to embrace it.

You’ll forever be grateful for him. For his kindness and understanding, for the quiet strength he gave you when you were too lost to find your own. In his eyes, you see a future where love is not a battlefield, but a sanctuary.

Jake will always be a cherished part of your story, a chapter that shaped you in ways you’re still discovering. But Jungwon is the present and future, the man who holds your heart now, showing you that love can be both enduring and gentle. 

With Jake, you learned the passion of first love; with Jungwon, you’re learning the depth of true, unconditional love. And as you stand here, wrapped in Jungwon's arms, you know that while parts of your heart belong to Jake, you will now and forever carry Jungwon in your heart too. This new chapter, with its promises of understanding and growth, feels like the beginning of something beautiful—a journey towards a love that is as healing as it is profound.

[lmaopuli]

My Favorite Part of You

— a fluffy Mason Mount Blurb

Word count: ~700

Warnings: brief mention of Mason’s 🍆 but otherwise, it’s just v v soft

———

“Someone commented on my Insta post that I have a tiny waist and big bum.”

You brought your head up from Mason’s neck and couldn’t help but giggle. After a nice long cuddle with your boyfriend, safely tucked in his arms, you couldn’t say that you expected him to bring that up. He’d been gone a few weeks for international break, and neither of you wanted to leave the couch once he arrived back home this morning. You opted to have a lazy day instead, deciding to order in food later and watch a few movies. But one of your favorite things about him was that, in front of you, he could say anything that popped into that pretty little head of his. Those adorable, albeit random, comments made him so endearing. You couldn’t help but love him more every time.

“I’d say they’re right baby,” you started, trying to stifle in another laugh, “even Kim K would be jealous.”

Now, it was Mase’s turn to hide his face in your neck, feeling the warmth of his face flushing and his wide grin.

“As much as I love it though,” you continued, scratching his scalp the way he loved, “I love another part of you even more.”

“It’s my dick isn’t it—”

“Oh, hush it!” You couldn’t help but giggle again, trying to stay serious, but failing miserably with his cheeky comment. Mase brought up his face this time and chuckled at your flustered state. “Let me finish,” you continued after your laughter died down, softly pinching his shoulder as a warning.

You cupped his face and tilted his head so his eyes could meet yours. God, he was perfect, from the freckles sprinkled around his nose and cheeks, the crinkles around his gorgeous brown eyes, his soft pink lips. He was still grinning from his remark earlier, and you couldn’t help but quickly peck the little part of his face you’ve loved since the day you both met.

“I love this dimple right here, on your left cheek” you said, kissing it again. You noticed his cheeks going all red, smiling even wider than before, and his dimple more pronounced.

“Really?” He said, his eyes softening, “I wasn’t expecting that.”

“It pops out when you’re happy, and I just love seeing you happy,” you mumbled. You hesitated continuing, but you knew you could say anything to him. He wouldn’t judge you at all—he’s proven that countless times already. “I hope our kids one day have your dimples too,” you uttered, hiding your face in his chest.

Mason’s eyes went wide and he froze. Once he came to his senses, though, he brought his arms around you again, squeezing you tight. He knew you could feel his heart picking up with your head on his chest, but he didn’t care. While you both were past the “I love you” stage, you hadn’t discussed kids yet. So the fact you mentioned having some with him made him love you more, and he didn’t think that was possible before.

“They can have my dimples, but I hope they have your brains.”

“Deal. But I also want them to have your big brown eyes. That might be my second favorite part of you,” you said, smiling up at him.

Mason squeezed you tighter. “Just admit it, you want a little clone of me, don’t you, love?” He teased. He relished the soft laugh you let out.

“You’re saying that like it’s a bad thing, baby. I’ll have a mini you to hang out with when you’re gone for weeks at a time. I love the sound of that.” You brought your hand under his shirt, feeling his warm skin underneath. “But anyways, we’ll talk logistics another time. I kinda want a little something on my left ring finger before I get too excited.”

You couldn’t see Mason’s smile from the way you were lying down on him, but he was beaming. All he’d been dreaming about these past few weeks since admitting his love for you was marrying you and starting a family one day. This little unexpected conversation gave him hope, and he was relieved you felt the same way as him. He peppered a few kisses at the top of your head, suddenly feeling all giddy.

“Don’t worry, angel. Your left ring finger won’t be bare for long, I can promise you that.”

———

Soooo I’m physically incapable of writing anything more than 1k words 🌚 but I hope this makes at least one of you smile 🫶🏼 As always, feedback, reblogs, and likes are so so appreciated :)

[valeriianz]

For the fic writer asks:

4. Obviously you did research for BitB. I'd love you to ramble about it if you like I'm sure you've got STORIES

5. Did you outline it?

7. How'd you decide it would be Hob's pov?

25-27 I'd love to know a/some favorite lines, details, and any lore you might want to share

omg TJ what wonderful questions! thank you!! this is going to get LONG!

4: Rambling about research!

do you wanna see a screen shot of my bookmarks under my "band au" folder?

man, and that's only what could fit on the screen.

there is... SO MUCH i chose to ignore for this fic. ideas that i had to drop, lines or extra details about the other band members equipment. more logistics, what Lucienne actually does, what Mervyn has to put up with as the new touring stage manager... i realized very early on that i couldn't possibly cram all this (super cool and eye opening) information into the fic and still keep reader's interest and, most importantly, to not stray away from the fact that this is a dreamling fic. whenever i felt myself getting carried away with a side character or job or even social media numbers, gossip, outside POVs, i had to reign myself in and get back on track. there will be time for exploring everything i missed in side stories after BitB is finished. i just hope i still have the energy to write it all.

once, i was so deep into research that after publishing chapter 2, i went into work and when my chef asked what "GA" meant on my prep list, i answered with full confidence, "general admission."

(it means "get ahead.")

the worst part of this entire writing process is im still learning new shit. i havent rewatched or read a lot of what i've saved because, to be very honest, i was feeling a little burnt out. it's why we're kinda full steam dreamling now. it's why ive been glossing over a lot of technical stuff and being vague about conversations amongst the crew/not including it at all. i don't prefer ignoring my research, but at the end of the day i want to still enjoy writing this fic and finish it. even if i can't be as descriptive and detailed and nuanced as i used to be.

5: Did you outline the fic?

(also asked by @hardly-an-escape!)

i wouldn't call what i have a proper "outline," it's more like a 20k word document filled to the brim with notes that i skim at least a dozen times while i'm writing a new chapter (being in my brain is literally hell). i live multichapter life very dangerously. i copy and paste lines or sections (always scattered, never together! augh!) that are meant to go together and plop them in a new document titled "band au ch.#" and then i structure the chapter around what i want to happen.

but to answer this question in the plainest of terms: yeah. i know exactly what's going to happen up until the very end. even if its all in my head and the only concrete shit that's written down are beats/plot points. i'll figure out the rest later!

7: How'd you decide it would be Hob's POV?

i actually never even considered writing it from Dream's POV. this was my first fic in the fandom (which is so nuts to think about lol) and writing in Dream's POV sounded so scary lol. i also just thought Hob's would be easier because i have worked a few backstage shows, back in my college years. i figured eh, i can make this work. and i loved exploring how weird and mysterious musicians can be, from a normie's POV. making Hob a fan first and having him worry about developing a parasocial relationship... it was fun to explore.

25: Share your favorite line

oh god, i have so many haha.

“What are you thinking about?” starting in ch.2 and onward lmao

“It’s–” Dream laughs quietly, bitterly. “I don’t like change.” He says each word with emphasis, eyes trailing down to fixate somewhere past Hob. “And I still hold onto the things I can control, like my instruments–” his eyes swing up to regard Hob apologetically. “Or my clothes or my–” he brings a hand up and wiggles his fingers around his head. “My hair.” ch.4

"His majesty is pleased." ch.5

“You are obsessive,” he states, slow and cool and with a quiet smile cracking through his composure. “Just like me.” ch.7

“You look good.” Hob has to lean in to say so, unwilling to raise his voice amongst the roar of the fans. ch.11

“Del looks like porcelain, but she’s actually made of steel.” Desire swirls the contents of their glass before pushing their shoulders back with a deep breath. “She's tougher than all of us.” ch.11

“Everything. I want…” his fingers tighten in Hob’s hair, pulling him closer, speaking against his lips. “…Everything.” ch.14

26: Share your favorite detail

how intentionally coy Dream behaves. i love keeping him a mystery and deciding when and how much to allow his intentions to peek through has been so fun lol.

Despair is in fact covered in tattoos and piercings! i say this because i feel like sometimes i forget lmao. (but also her and Hob don't interact much so. my bad haha).

Delirium's constant explosion of color in the way she dresses <3

Hob's dedication to his job, Dream, and the people he cares about the most. i don't care if people think i'm making him too soft and good, im gonna project on that man and make him a sweet, sweet simp lmao

and ah, this doesn't matter anymore, and i kinda regret doing it but. i originally had Dream's favorite bass all black but the pickguard was white. so it actually looked like Jessamy. not gonna lie when @designtheendless drew it all black i decided i liked it better that way. and truly i do. that's when i went back to ch.1 and changed it haha. to actually see the guitar with Dream, all done up sparkling black and purple flecks... gosh it's just so him. but then i got up to the reveal that the guitar's name was Jessamy and i was like, "oh, right." lmao. no one seems to care so i'll leave it be.

27: Share a piece of lore you made up for the story

i have a lot lmao. and this post is already so long... im hoping i can get to some if not all of it in side fics in the future. but for now, here's some that's more like headcanons but:

Dream hates flying. he can full on go into panic attacks on the plane if he allows himself to get into his own head.

this was mentioned briefly in ch.4, while Dream was discussing the formation of the band, but Despair was in another band before joining Endless. she is the only character in the fic who gets to keep her English roots (lol sorry) and is the oldest in the band (30).

all of the band members ages: Dream, Desire, and Death are all 28 and Delirium is 22.

Dream can experience subdrop after going too hard during a performance.

Dream paints his own nails, it's very therapeutic.

as an exercise, i explored my own headcanons for Dream in this verse in a word doc, and one thing i will share from it that you might find interesting: If I were to ever give Dream a theological values, I would describe him as a satanist. He is a physical and pragmatic person, nonconforming, and although he is introverted, he enjoys being a part of a community (he loves his band).

also found this in my notes: How Desire and Dream got along was Death making them fight it out. Hob raises an eyebrow “like in a brawl?” He couldn't imagine Desire throwing hands. “No, in a pillow fight that escalated in hair pulling and verbal taunts.”

fic writer asks

[ladylooch]

ur doing gods work! can you write about nico & the reader crossing paths again after not seeing each other for a long time? <3

Crossing Paths with Nico Hischier

A/N: Ya know, the fan fic won't write it's self ( I know I've tried to convince it), so I'm happy to do it!

Word count: 1.0k

Warnings: lil angsty, swearing

Breaking up with Nico Hischier was the single hardest and most devastating thing you’ve ever done. 

You didn’t want to. 

But you didn’t see how this was going to work.

You were being promoted to the DC office of your advertising firm. It came with a private office, a huge pay bump, and a whole portfolio of dream clients.

The only thing it wouldn’t come with was your boyfriend. 

When you told Nico, he was ecstatic for you. He urged you to take it. He refused to listen to any of the concerns you had because he assumed you would stay together. Every night the month before your move, you agonized in your bed next to Nico while he slept. The logistics were starting to feel too difficult. Nico was sure you would find ways to see each other, but you knew the reality of life in DC was going to monopolize your time. Nico was used to you giving because his jobs took so much.

So you gathered up the courage to sit him down the night before you left and told him your concerns.

“Babe, this distance is going to be nothing for us. It’s temporary too.” The corporate office for your firm is in Manhattan. Nico has latched onto the idea that DC is a stepping stone for you. A temporary fork in the road until yours both meet again.

“Neeks.” You quietly say, squeezing his hand. Nico freezes, sensing where this is going. “I love you, but-“

“No, don’t say it. Don’t do this. Let’s just try and see how it goes.”

“I can’t.” Your voice breaks as you watch the tears fill his eyes. He sucks in a deep, unsteady breath through his nose. His mouth crumples and you feel a piece of your soul die on that brand new leather couch he bought so you would have more room to cuddle together. “I’m so sorry.” You cry as he stands up, dashing his fingers through his hair in despair. He begins to pace before he whirls back towards you.

“You said forever.” Nico spits. “When did you turn into such a liar?”

If your heart had any intact pieces left, they shattered at those words.

Two years later, you’re snapped out of the memory from the building across the street by the barista calling out your name. You’ve moved back to Jersey and are at the local coffee shop in Hoboken you frequented when Nico lived in that building. It’s been so long, you don’t think it’s possible he still lives there anymore. You grab the latte, bringing it over to the station by the window to grab a straw and a lid. 

“You know, most people grow out of adding extra sugar into their lattes.” A voice murmurs to your right. You turn, choking on your breath when you see Nico.  “But I guess you’re not most people.” You snort out a laugh, eyes squinting excitedly at how good he looks. 

“I just can’t quit big sugar. Keeps me employed.” You joke, stepping forward into his stretched out arms and giving him a hug. You both linger together. “Wow, do you still live here?” You point to the building.

“No I moved up a few blocks, but still walk down here from time to time.”

“Best espresso in the city.” You quote him.

“Yeah, still not Switzerland though.”

“Maybe you should open your own shop.” 

“You gonna do the advertisement for me?”

“Sure, I’ll even give you the friends and family discount.” He chuckles. 

“You look… wow.” He finishes in a whisper, taking in your professional dress, tights and heels. You’re decked out in blacks and reds, like he used to love on you. “My colors.” He would grin before kissing your lips.

Nothing about Nico has changed. He’s still sweet as honey.

“You too. Looks like you put some muscle on. Maybe Luca has finally stopped teasing you about growing into your pro body.”

“No, he’s never going to give that joke up. Not when he can still lift more than me.”

“Well, the work never really ends.” Your phone dings in your hand. You look down, seeing the reminder that you have 15 minutes to get to your client’s office. “I, uh, have to go.” You show him your phone. You could stay here with him for hours, truthfully, even though it wouldn’t be good for your heart. The one that never quite stopped loving him.

“Yeah, me too. I’m on my way to practice.” 

“It was really good to see you, Neeks. I still watch Devils games all the time. The team is really turning into a premier contender.” You both walk together towards the door, then outside, pausing on the sidewalk.

“Yeah? You cheer for me?”

“Yeah, but sometimes I cheer more for Jack.”

“He misses you.” He confesses.

“I know; He calls.” Nico closes his eyes with regret, shoving his free hand deep into his jacket pocket. He adjusts his grip on his cup.

“Look… Ah.. I know you gotta go, but I want you to know I’m sorry about the way we left things.” 

“Me too. I should have stayed here with you.”

“No. But it would have been nice if you had wanted to try long distance.” He winces after he says it, like he’s worried he crossed some imaginary line on the sidewalk. I slowly nod, stepping backwards towards my destination. 

“I’m back in Jersey now.” You’re not sure why you tell him, except that you want him to know you’ll be around. His eyebrows raise in surprise.

“You’re a year ahead of the plan.”

“I had some extra motivation.”

“Money?” He tilts his head, coy smile on his face.

“Yeah. We’ll go with that. I’ll see ya.” You wave. He returns yours, staying rooted to the sidewalk. He’s still there watching you when you turn back around for one more moment.

“Hey Nico.” His brown eyes are curious. “My phone number still works. Ask Jack if you need it again.”

“You gonna answer if I call?”

“Yeah. On the first ring.”

[jomeimei421]

Hello I finished ORV two days ago and it’s… a lot to digest… but I remember that I saw a long time ago the theory that YJH had written the epilogue, I didn’t even know orv then but it kind of stuck with me. Do you know this theory and what do you think about it? I need analysis of that novel 😵‍💫

All your art is lovely but the post-epilogue scene with yhk brought me back to life, thx so much for sharing those!!!!

Congrats! Or I’m sorry that happened 💔

Incidentally, I made reread guide for ORV if you’re interested! KDJ’s mother told him that the story changes even if the words don’t, so he should learn to “read again,” and fittingly, ORV completely transforms on second read. It will blow your fucking mind how much went right over your head the first time around

[major ORV spoilers below]

I think it’s pretty clear canonically that HSY wrote all of ORV and the epilogues, with the exception of possibly chapter 551.

Her plan to write ORV took place after the museum fight, and she intended to write everything up until the present as closely as possible and then tack on a fabricated ending where the Oldest Dream fragments imagine KDJ back to life.

The Star Stream system ends up failing with only that fabricated ending untransmitted, so YJH has a choice to either write it himself or not.

I think there’s a definite possibility that 551 was written by YJH, but you could also argue that 551 was written by Sing Shong, or that 551 was somehow written by HSY and altered by YJH, or HSY wrote it and sent it out later…

Ultimately ORV has a catch-all loophole to explain this kind of stuff which is that ORV only needs to operate by the laws and themes of the story. As long as it can hold your suspension of disbelief/convince you that something happened, then it happened. That’s how the time paradox existed in the first place, and how being the Oldest Dream works!

TL;DR, HSY wrote all of ORV except arguably 551. But honestly the logistics of the last chapter are kinda ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and don’t matter as much as what it was trying to convey

[anguishedlurker]

Sorry, our hands are tied about this!

Prompt "Nocturne fucked up BIG TIME and now needs help from the ghost kid." from kadziduo on ao3/ @duchi-nesten on tumblr! Get phic phought :) Edit: Functioning Ao3 link now that I have a working brain tonight

~

“Fix it. Before I do” Was all Clockwork said before vanishing.

Fix what? Nocturne didn’t know, but nonetheless knew that Clockwork was presently threatening its non-life into vanishment.

Many types of accidents could be arranged.

Fix it before Clockwork does, and left to do its own research to boot. How droll.

Creeping, trawling through random dreams for a hint. Its purpose, if not its goal in its non-life. Delightful nonsense and soft desires clashing against horrid possibilities and terrible unrealities.

Fix it, before Clockwork does. How unhelpful.

Fix it, fix it, fix it… What a dreadful chant to have been produced by the English language.

Finally, Nocturne conceded that it would have to either be very lucky, or open its eyes to the waking realm to find anything out.

If pressed for honesty, it would not call this a dreadful task. The waking realm is, afterall, the source of the realm of sleep. It pays to understand what one is reflecting.

But ah, so many dull details to mull over...

Fix it. Fix what? It wasn’t obvious until it was all that could be seen.

Magical items with magical properties are objects largely outside of Nocturne's purview.

Unless it has to do with sleep.

And unless it’s the one that made the cursed things, which were now its problem to solve.

In more ways than one, even.

Clockwork has simply sped the timeline up on this being its problem.

The objects were older than English, but could be generously translated to ‘Ribbons of Night’. Each of the six operated slightly differently from the other five when active.

Which makes it sound as if one ribbon could be depended on to be the same ribbon when activated.

Absolutely not. Even with a ribbon permanently attached to oneself between activations, there was no predicting which one you had at any given moment. They were the unholy fusion of dream logic and schrodingers box principals.

It was more complicated than that, granted. There were in fact signs that could point you towards which you had at any given moment, and thus could be leveraged to accomplish whatever ones goal was reliably if you were willing to wait.

No matter what, they were usually weak enough to not be a bother to much more than the fool who thought they could control the mind, and whatever half dozen idiots they saw fit to terrorize.

Usually.

It greatly depended on the energy willfully put into them, see...

More energy, more chaos and for even longer. What’s not to love?

Adorable little things, so long as a weird cult of both ghosts and humans don’t get all six and strategically place them around both realms and dump a small nations worth of power into each of them.

You know, because who would ever do that? Truly, such a thing would take a ridiculous series of logical leaps (to think it was a good idea) and logistical nightmares (to make real) that it would be immediately branded a fever dream and disregarded.

Nocturne would typically be inclined to not be involved with the whole debacle, its not as if it could reabsorbed the partitioned fragments itself, but there’s a small problem with the ribbons and how they operate.

The issue is slightly two-fold, and also just the same problem twice over. What can Nocturne say, its things like to be complicated like that.

The ribbons are small fragments of Nocturne, modified for usage by the average ghost. Living need not apply, but if they can work around it then power too them. Nocturne's power is a scary thing to have loose in any realm, particularly at small-nation’s-electrical-grid scale.

And also, the dreams are fragments of Nocturne, that turning off requires either patience for their power to run dry or for a test of power and will to succeed.

Backlash from such a test is usually not of Nocturne's concern- if a fool decided to power a ribbon beyond their control and had to pay to turn it off, Nocturne's side would sting for ten seconds and then stop. Whether the fool was dead or not didn’t matter to Nocturne.

But if the ribbons were powered to the point they’d take years to stop, and also all six of them were going strong at once, meaning that everyone would be forced to contest them, win or lose, in the name of everyone’s continued existence…

Nocturne has finite durability, and that’s a lot of damage.

Even if the inflictors will die with Nocturne, it will be done because nothing has a choice right now..

The whole mess did clarify to Nocturne why Clockwork would care to harass it, though. It gave two reasons, even.

World balance… not Nocturne's domain, though certainly one of Clockworks. Accidents could be arranged, but these ribbons were older than most living nations.

Accidents could be arranged, but Clockworks chain was rather short. A plan like this would’ve been decades in the making, if not centuries, and the observants would be none too pleased if Clockwork were to do real work outside their supervision. Meaning for real work and not silly lessons with effects quickly undone, Clockwork’s self initiative had chain of about six weeks in either direction, with one arranged accident per inconvenience before they were pressed about activity.

An accident could be arranged, but unless that accident extended across two dimensions and obliterated somewhere around four hundred to two thousand beings in one go Clockwork was stuck explaining themself to the council. And to papercut a decades long plan to death? That work would be noticed too.

Accidents plural could be arranged, but no accidents Clockwork could justify to a council of the most belligerent asshats Nocturne had ever had the displeasure of meeting would also arrange a solution without sending everyone years back, something the council would not do.

The decorative bow atop the rest of Clockworks restraints was that accidents could be arranged, but even if Nocturne's spot were to be taken the successor would simply have the same problem because the process would make them into the ‘same’ being and they would inherit the ribbons, and killing Nocturne (or otherwise) in such a violent manner would have massive world shaking blowout. Potentially worse than the ribbons were doing and would do over the years.

The final answer was to destroy decades worth of timeline to fix this, and no ghost in the world would agree on how or why to do that. Could the council stop debating themselves to obliteration before their time to solve this was up?

Clockwork didn’t seem to think so.

Getting to Long Now was such a nuisance on average, but Nocturne (correctly) presumed that one it’d gotten to the bottom of its new task then Clockwork would humor it with a more thorough conversation.

This time, it didn’t even have to break the front doors. How unusual!

Clockwork refused to turn from the mirrors before them, and Nocturne had to force down the indignation as it took its place high above.

Dreams are much weaker than the irrevocable force of Time, and killing Nocturne here would be messy and bad, but make the new problems straight forward.

“I will elect not to lecture if you turn to speak on equal terms. I will call this fair, given you’ve decided you’re in a corner. Enough to reach out.”

Ahhh to not lose touch with scathing statements, drenched in politics. Nocturne never misses them much, but such words have use.

Passively, Clockwork flickered and reappeared facing Nocturne.

“Better.” Nocturne hummed, electing to drip onto the floor from the ceiling. “Now-”

“Do not pretend you’ve power over this mess any more than I.”

“Never claimed anything of the sort! But you could do to acknowledge your partner in crime before you bark commands down the chain.”

Clockwork’s hand twitched, tightening around their staff, and Nocturne was sure they were mentally calculating if it was worth trying the conversation again.

“Now, I know the goal is peace, but pray tell if you’ve got a spare thought for how that is going to happen?”

Nocturne would genuinely like to know; Its continued existence was on the line the moment an idiot got martyr-y about it.

“Handling the ribbons is a monumental task at this scale, with few qualified to stop the ribbons and fewer still capable of surviving the job.”

“Yes, very much so. But if you’ll kindly direct some concern to the rest of the issue…”

Clockwork sighed, and turned to mirrors.

With a grand gesture designed to piss it off, the ribbon of… translation pending, appeared before them on the mirrors.

In the realm of volcanoes and fire was a crack, and in this crack was madness, and in this madness was a shard of Nocturne's body.

It was difficult to articulate the appearance of ‘void, but with sharp edges and hatred’, but thankfully Nocturne didn’t need to speak aloud about such a thing. Just stare at it as Clockwork warmed up to their point.

And then they didn’t progress the conversation in an action likely designed to piss Nocturne off even more.

Good thing Nocturne did not have teeth to grind.

“Yes, yes, the ribbon of… pleasure?”

“Close enough.”

Nocturne was sure Clockwork was smiling underneath that hood over its noise of disgust.

“The ribbon of pleasure, in the infinite zone of volcanoes and fire, and at the center my fragment ripe for the challenge. I am waiting to die from these miserable little mistakes, and await your suggestion to the contrary.”

“Now, who said anything about challenges?”

“Me.” Nocturne huffed, shuffling forward to examine the fragment.

“Why?”

Oh Nocturne could just...

“Because the fools who started this will have no further options. Because anyone fit to rise to solve this will not get further options.”

“Wrong.”

Nocturne refused to squirm in the following silence, immediately deciding it would out wait Clockwork of it was the last thing it ever did.

Clockwork seemed to catch on immediately at least, though it was difficult to tell if such a catch on was in fact after two hours of Nocturne commuting to suicide by any other name.

“Petulance will not serve you well in this instance. Regardless, if an appropriately powered being can approach with an appropriately malleable skillset, most fragments of this nature can be absorbed as opposed to destroyed.”

Ah. They’d gone mad, it sees this now.

“A fascinating theory. But see, there’s a lot of ifs you’re not articulating.” Nocturne hissed, jerking back from the mirrors to refocus on Clockwork.

“You first.” Clockwork hummed.

Of modest annoyances, this one failed to land. The predictability was more annoying, really.

“If we can find an appropriate candidate then they’d have to have the theoretical potential of at least me, and if we can find that someone they would have to be a child- still moldable in all ways including accepting my power-, and if we could find that child then even beyond its capacity to change it must have the separate capacity to walk two worlds, and if we find that child then we must hide it for long enough to get to keep it from the observants’ machinations and purify it of my influence. Provided we even can purify it.”

The final two were the truest sticking points of all; Nocturne, just as Clockwork, would never be permitted to keep a child. Nocturne wouldn’t even be allowed to keep a willing adult, but that was beyond the point.

“Not easy enough to hide, but I have my ways in keeping the observants eyes off me to get real work done.” Clockwork allowed.

Nocturne didn’t get chills easily, but it finally clicked to it that maybe, just maybe...

Nocturne was already in some deeply illegal shit just by being here, this time.

“You didn’t. Not already.”

“Oh, but I have. Did you think you’d get to say no to me? The moment the observants understand they have a blank spot in time, you will be found and interrogated as the missing piece.”

Nocturne was forced to pause.

It really, truly had to physically wrench itself back. The wild temperament of Dreams would lead to disaster.

“Fascinating. Would you like to know your odds of sense, in this instance?”

“No. I’d like to know who you have in mind, since you’re so smart as to kill us both.”

Clockwork hummed, pleased with themself as they waved at the mirrors again.

No chills, but…

“You’re joking, right?”

The young boy that had foiled its romp in Amity, desperately trying not to wilt into the wallpaper as his parents ranted and raved.

“Why would I?”

“To lure me into false hope. Your pet child is non negotiable to you, and you’ve missed the part where we’ll need to strip it of everything it gains. You wouldn’t.”

Clockworks hand tightened again, and Nocturne could hear the staff creak ever so slightly as the pressure became far greater than any mortal material could dream of handling.

“My child… I am pleased to know you regard it as such, but no. Young Danny is not mine to keep.”

“In formalities alone, no. But he’s yours, and you’re rather fond of the boy. Unless I’ve been seeing some other ghostling visit you every Sunday.”

Clockwork wasn’t looking directly at Nocturne, which was not technically a good sign.

“Not to keep.” Clockwork growled. Cracks spread along a mirror or possibly three, Nocturne was suddenly much too fixated on every errant twitch to care about the mirrors.

Nocturne did its best to not flinch away- despite the obviously in-equal status, Nocturne was a GOD in its own right. It couldn’t afford to flinch.

“That doesn’t matter, Clockwork. And if you would deign to clarify how we’re going to purify it...”

Clockwork didn’t relax as they shook their head no.

“The fuck you mean no, I’m helping dig your ass out this mess too. You wouldn’t be knocking on my door if you had other choices.”

“Two fold issue, a long story hardly of relevance.” Clockwork huffed, turning back towards their mirrors. With a wave and a suspiciously loud tick noise, the mirrors in question returned to an undamaged state. Phantom’s family resumed arguing on them, the boy left to awkwardly shuffle towards the stairs.

“Kroonoooooossss.” Nocturne elected to drawl after a pause.

Don’t get it wrong, it knew its risks. But it had a very bad hand before it, and would like to know if the pot cards made a difference.

The noise of total contempt Clockwork gave in response made it all worth it.

“There’s no world where you don’t know my problems with this. It’s lunacy at its finest. You’re sending me in blind to lead the meek and blind, the observants would rather I die and they play cleanup than let us do this anyhow, and somehow I think I and the observants have the fewest issues with these events. Forgive the acquisition of slang, there’s too many plot holes with this plan!”

“No, there isn’t. But you don’t have room for negotiation, do you?”

No, but that’s not stopping it.

“You have me verbally hostage, if not physically. I think me demanding a real answer as to why you care is the least amount of detail you can give me.”

“Wrong. Conversation over, go home and decide if you’d like to live.”

Nocturne wouldn’t have been able to take the belligerence anymore, lurching itself forward to assault Clockwork.

But it was already awake in one of its caves, three days before Nocturne figured out its task, one day before Clockwork had even informed it that it had a task, and a full sixteen hours after the cultists had completed the rituals.

Nocturne had fucked up in many ways, big and small.

For one, it had risen to Clockworks bait at all. Talk about taking one step forward and having your shins shattered for the effort…

Impossible to say if the mess could’ve gone differently, though. Clockwork clearly had a plan that Nocturne was but a vehicle for.

For two, Nocturne had no doubt Clockwork had already spent their one cosmic accident budget to make Nocturne look even worse out of this- all the better to force it to their whims. It had an educated guess about where that accident went, but what did it matter? Clockwork didn’t do anything by halves, Nocturne was fucked. Which went back to point one.

There were more fuck ups of course, some of them older than the swears it was muttering. A specific six of them, in fact.

One in the land of Volcanoes, one in the land of Atlanta Georgia, one in the land of The jungle, one in the land of Dallas Texas, one in the largest functioning cyber-network in the zone (now if Nocturne could get a clear answer about what that was, this would be nice), and one in the land of Shenghai China.

And apparently at the center of it all, a not-dead child to save them all! Joy!

Lunacy, lunacy, lunacy… What would the point be, in the end? Making the boy suffer like that for the world, once again?

Provided Clockworks pet could live, anyhow…

Maybe that was the point. A dramatic exit for what the observants already had their laser sights on, anyhow. A heroes death at it’s finest.

Whatever. It had its path and task, and despite everything Clockwork wasn’t self destructive. The situation would be solved if Nocturne obeyed.

Nocturne refused to trust any other detail of the situation, not that it changed its new goal.

It had to move fast. Find the portal, enter the house, spot the boy. Shuffling to the stairs as his parents bellowed away over something stupid.

Punctuated by everyone but him collapsing to the ground like all pathetic mortals in The Final Rest’s presence.

Form of stars, voice of satin, dripping like slime from cracks at the edge of the child’s vision.

Nocturne was sure it had made its entrance clear.

The white rings traveled up the child's body, revealing his powered form even as he dropped into an aggressive stance.

“Halt. Despite my entrance, this is more an offer of peace. Nice and quiet now, wouldn’t you agree?”

The boy couldn’t hide the shaky breath he took.

“Knocking people out isn’t peaceful.” He hissed, turning to glare at one of Nocturne’s larger blobs.

“I thought I kicked you out already. Back for another round?” He attempted to taunt, false confidence rising by the second.

“Please, child. Booting me out of one of my more vicious play fights is not a point of pride.”

The boy flushed a deeper green in barely concealed rage, backing away from the bulk of Nocturne’s form as it pooled in the center of the room.

“You have to have seen the news already. Three human locations under mysterious effects. It hasn’t been long, but it’s been profound, no?” It asked bluntly, rising as an owl this time. Rams were so last week, afterall.

The boys eyes flicked to the middle distance, contemplating.

“Maybe. Or maybe I don’t follow politics. Who knows, really?” He huffed.

“Stupidity gets you nowhere. Cultists have stolen artifacts of mine and used them for terrorism in its truest definition, in both the human realm and the infinite realm. It will spread if unmanaged.” Nocturne sighed, glooping its way towards the boy and stretching to far taller.

That certainly elicited a reaction, but who could say what was going on in the boy’s skull?

“And you’re sooo altruistic you wanna solve this yourself, I take it?” He prodded, backing away to the wall. If it occurred to him that he could phase through the wall and simply leave, it didn’t show.

Perhaps the child could’ve been a politician with that tonal bite. Alas...

“I have plenty to lose of they’re dealt with by traditional means. And you have much to lose if this spreads too far. The amount of people who die regardless if traditionally dealt with is uncountable. You, and the world with it, are in just as dire of straits as I with this mess.”

The boy paused, looking Nocturne up and down.

“And why should I take your word for it?”

Hmm… maybe if..

Nocturne made a sound like a shuddering breath and sank its form to only slightly taller than the boy.

“Because it’s not my word, it’s Clockworks.”

Another strong reaction. Nocturne was getting somewhere.

“And if you’re lying?”

Nocturne bowed forward slightly to imply consideration.

The child wasn’t wrong to distrust it, dreams were tricky things afterall. And personal experience gave a firm indication as to Nocturne’s temperament, be that true or false.

But the awake were always so predictable…

“We can visit them to ask, if you like. But permanence will take within days. It needs to be you, and we need to go. Now.”

The boy closed his eyes, considering.

“Clockwork, first. No confirmation, no help.” He ordered, eyes snapping open ans he crossed his arms.

“Of course.” Nocturne muttered, carefully eyeing how the child prepped to fly along with it.

He didn’t get the chance to fly on his own, already plucked away by Nocturne as it swooped down to the portal.

No time to waste, its non-life was on the line. And if the screaming was funny, then that was a bonus.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Hey Raven, how are you, ask, what do you think of the theory that Yuu and Silver are siblings (I had read this theory but I don't know which user was) that when they were babies they were separated,

Lilia found Silver and Yuu went to another world, somehow they must have met before as Silver said that he felt like he had met Yuu before

Hi hi! ^^ At the time of writing this response I’m actually feeling a little sick but I’m sure that I’ll have recovered by the time this post goes live! As for the theory… I don’t have any particularly strong thoughts on it other than, “it’s a fun idea, but probably unlikely in the grand scheme of things”.

I think the devs wouldn’t go out of their way to give Yuu any big components to their backstory (as they would interfere with the “self insert” nature of Yuu as a vessel for the player character). Making Yuu a sibling to a main cast boy would be major since it would recontextualize many relationships (particularly for Silver and/or Lilia yumes), and that wouldn’t be a… good move to say the least 💦 I maintain that the devs wouldn’t want to jeopardize the relatively “blank slate” or OC-friendly appeal of Yuu’s role in such a way. (Yes, I realize this is an answer that I give very often. The reason I repeat it so much is because I strongly believe this is a core part of the TWST experience.) It would also potentially call into question the backstories we’re presented with of other interpretations of Yuu in the manga and light novel adaptations.

It’s true that Silver says he feels like he has met Yuu before! The conditions of his UM also stipulate that he can only enter the dreams of people who share a bond with him. Since Silver appeared in Yuu’s dream in book 7, this this would support the “they’re siblings” theory. What’s unclear here, however, is where Yuu’s dream ends and where Mickey’s dream begins (since it’s implied their dreams are linked). Mickey has dialogue at the end of book 6 stating that he has seen a boy with silver hair around before—but Yuu has never mentioned seeing Silver wander in their dreams.

It’s possible that maybe Yuu saw Silver around campus before, and that’s where their recognition comes from. The issue is that such a thing wouldn’t form a super strong bond (certainly not a bond that matches Silver’s relationship with Sebek or Lilia, two people whose dreams they do enter), though I guess the strength of the bond wad never specified as a condition for Meet in a Dream. If the “Silver and Yuu are siblings” theory was true, then the same logic still holds, no? Assuming they’re separated at birth (because Yuu has no memories of Twisted Wonderland), Silver wouldn’t have any real bond to speak of with Yuu to establish a solid dream connection. If Yuu and Silver were siblings separated far later in life, why wouldn’t Yuu remember Twisted Wonderland and why wouldn’t Silver (or Lilia, for that matter) recall growing up with/raising them?

Just. A lot of logistical or timeline details would come into question 🤔 Maybe I’m not getting the full scope of the theory since I’m being asked about the concept alone rather than to look at any evidence or implications provided which support the theory.

[freeuselandonorris]

re:polyam, omg I am pretty sure we’re a similar age but how do I be you when I grow up

seriously though if you don’t mind sharing a bit about your experience, have you always known you would embrace da lifestyle, anything you wish you knew, anything you would change?

haha aw anon! 💕

mmmmhhmmmhm did i always know… kneejerk reaction is to say no, but i’ve also never had any real interest in ‘traditional’ relationships. i grew up in a single parent household and so i always had a model of happiness in independence. i’ve never ever dreamed of getting married or settling down or other ‘relationship escalator’ activities. when i was a babygoth, tim burton and helena bonham carter were my relationship goals because they lived separately but had their houses connected by a hallway or smth? idk i forget the details.

really though my transition into actually doing polyam for real was very very clumsy and full of mistakes. i hurt people i loved during the process and i desperately wish there were things i could have done over differently! but i don’t think that’s a feature inherent to polyam, it’s just the nature of humans being dumb fuckups sometimes (quitting drinking alcohol was also a major factor for me here in learning to not be a dumb fuckup anymore).

things i wish i knew: surviving financially as a (for all intents and purposes) single person is HARD. one of the most difficult times i’ve had wrt poly is when a partner bought a house w his primary long term girlfriend and i was like… i might not ever be able to afford this, because there’s only one of me. the world (certainly in the UK anyway) isn’t set up for one income. if you’re gonna do the solo poly type thing, you HAVE to think about this. also, the importance of talking bluntly about stuff and not just hoping they’ll read your mind (and vice versa)! and the LOGISTICS. i work two jobs (see point 1 above) and so just trying to fit everything in and see people regularly is a frustrating struggle sometimes.

but also, the good stuff: that seeing one partner somehow makes things feel fresh and sweet with another. how good it feels to be able to explore different facets of yourself with different partners. the sense of openness that comes with realising you don’t have to restrict yourself to one mode of being, that you can choose endless possible futures for yourself (and this includes the possibility that i might wanna settle down and be monog with someone one day! i doubt it, but i might!) andddd my favourite form of foreplay: discussing other people i find attractive with my partners. show me the porn you’re watching! tell me your fantasies about someone else entirely! tell me about the sex you’re having! idk i feel like people in the kind of monog relationships where it’s considered a cardinal sin to even admit the concept of finding other people attractive (and yes, i know, not all monog relationships etc etc) are really missing a trick here. oh my god it’s hot.

[secretlythepits]

4 Months or 2 Years

When my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer, she was told she had 4 months to live. She had 11 masses in her brain. She tried full brain radiation but it didn’t have much of an effect. When we saw her oncologist, we expected a transfer to hospice.

Instead she threw out chemo and said maybe Mom could live for 2 more years. Mom never wanted chemo because she had witnessed its brutality on her brother and sister. We questioned quality of life and her oncologist spoke about her patient who just called her from a trip to California.

We left the appointment dumbfounded and went to a cafe to discuss it over sale and Nanaimo bars. We had already literally settled everything up with the funeral parlor. We had accepted the hard truth. At lunch Mom decided to try chemo, but her heart wasn’t in it. I think she felt like she had to for her girls. It just didn’t feel right, but what do you do with that information? You can’t crumple 2 years into a ball and make a basket in the trash can.

She did one round. It was awful. That’s not what this post is about. She died 4 months from her diagnosis. I think the 2 years was never really on the table. Don’t let anyone tell you hope is always a good thing. It can wield tremendous cruelty through delusion.

My mother died 7 hours before I was getting on a plane to take over her care. There are more than medical decisions that get made based on what an oncologist says. For 4 months, I could stay the whole time. I wanted to. I planned to. But 2 years was a different story. My kids couldn’t be away from their dad for that long. My sister had to work and care for her family too. My sister and I decided to rotate care. I started homeschooling my kids so we could be wherever whenever.

4 months or 2 years?

You make different decisions. Financial decisions. Logistical decisions. Communication decisions.

I have an idea of my husband’s timeline, but nothing definitive. There’s a giant question mark about immunotherapy that is unknowable from the onset. There are strong statistical probabilities.

This is what I’m wresting with now and I’ll use my mother’s timelines for a framework. To be clear, these are not my husband’s timeline projections, but the idea is the same. Is the end sooner or later?

Do I speak up about issues in our marriage and push for my needs?

4 Months:

No. Forgive and let go. Focus on the fundamental love and don’t add an emotional burden to him. I could do this easily in this time frame.

2 Years:

Yes. That’s too long to let hurt fester. It will bubble up anyway. There’s also a real possibility of resolving some or all of it, which would be amazing. I cannot suppress my feelings for years. I would be consumed with anger and resentment.

Do I put my goals on the back burner to prioritize his?

4 Months:

Yes. I will have more time and his is finite. Also, I’d want to maximize our time together.

2 Years:

No. I can give up some but not all. What if 2 years is 3 years or 4? I am coming off of a 3 1/2 year brain infection. I lost so much time. Then I immediately had to support his first cancer journey. And before all that, it was my mom dying. I’ve had nonstop emergencies for 6 years and I clawed my way from the edge of death. I can’t just turn over all my next years. My time is finite too.

But here’s the tricky part. He will only get worse. So, although it makes sense to be tending to him now as this is new and we are figuring things out, I might miss the only realistic opportunity I have to keep my life from being swallowed up by caregiving. The only certainty I know is that later will be worse.

How much time do I devote to building my finances?

Ah, maybe these are the same for both timelines. I’m struggling with being present to the moments and bucking down to focus on providing. Do I continue building my business, the dream I worked so hard for, that got dashed so many times these last 6 years? Or do I chuck it, take some classes to get a certification that would lead to a job I would hate, but would provide a stable income? He could have an emergency and no longer work at any moment. But, that’s also unlikely. Arg!

I hate that I am back in this 4 months or 2 years place. It was torture for me. I remember people telling me I couldn’t make a wrong choice.

I felt like I couldn’t make a right one and it paralyzed me.

Now that I think about it, in the end, I decided to make the choice that was best for me. The toxicity of extended family dynamics was too much for me. I decided mom made her choices (smoking) and I had an equal right to make mine (removing myself from a situation that unhinged me). Mom also wanted space to process after the onslaught of visitors. She needed some solitude. So I left and went home to calm down and recenter myself in my life and in the family I created. Rotating her care was practical but also gave me breathing room that I needed. I could have and would have stayed if we knew it was just 4 months, but I can’t deny that something really important happened to me when I took that break. I think I would have broken without it.

This is stream of consciousness so I didn’t know I’d land on the paragraph above. I just wanted to say what I was trying to figure out, what was hurting my heart. But now I think I landed on a compass. And it rings true because I feel my North Star blinking.

I have to continue to live my own life.

I always knew that. Always know that. The reason that truth felt out of reach is all the social conditioning around being a support. Women are expected to give up everything to be a caregiver, while one of the predictors of imminent divorce is a wife’s serious diagnosis. I am experiencing a personal crisis that exists within the context of our societal dynamic and it would be disingenuous to pretend I was immune to the influences of the patriarchy. And the thing is, I know what to do. It’s more of fear of judgement for doing what I know is right.

Two truths exist simultaneously:

I want to take care of him. I really, really do.

I want to take care of myself. I really, really do.

Why does one of those feel like a mandate and the other a source of guilt? Why the dichotomy?

Why is love for myself always supposed to be second place?

One thing is for sure: with 2 dead parents, a dying spouse, and kids to look after, nobody is going to take care of me

but me.

[raincitygirl76]

Can you move aquarium fish to another country? And if so, how? I mean, I know they need a filtration system. So could you put their tank in a car/moving van/trailer hooked up to a car, and hook it up to a portable generator? And would you be able to get the tank through customs?

See, I’m working on an embryonic fic. My first in well over a decade. Damn, right now the fic is terrible, and may never see the light of day. But I have writers block because I’m stuck on logistics.

But in my fic idea, Wilhelm and Simon broke up during the university years. At 29 they run into each other again, perhaps at Felice’s wedding, perhaps at some other plot device to get them in the same room. And there are still sparks. They have a quickie in a closet and after that it’s really awkward. But eventually they start talking, texting, etc. And eventually decide to give it another shot.

But in this fic idea, Simon left Sweden as soon as he graduated from the Royal College of Music, because it was too painful seeing reminders of Wilhelm everywhere in Stockholm. He bounced around Europe for a few years before settling down in Berlin. Simon’s been working there as a singer, songwriter, and music producer. And he has a tank of tropical fish he adores and wouldn’t dream of just giving away.

After he and Wille have been doing the long distance thing for a while, Simon decides to move back to Stockholm. Wilhelm wants him to move in with him at Haga, but Simon is cautious, arranges to sign a 6 month lease on an apartment of his own. If things are still working out after 6 months, he’ll move in with Wilhelm in Haga.

But he has these fish, with a specially designed custom tank that was a present from Simon to Simon when he won his first major award. I’m pretty sure he can’t fly from Berlin to Stockholm with the tank in the cargo hold. Even if the airline would agree to take it, the unheated hold and the changes in air pressure during the flight might kill his tropical fish. I don’t know that for sure, but im thinking if air pressure on flights makes people’s ears pop, what coulf it do to poor innocent Nemo.

So I devised this plan for Ayub to fly to Berlin and help Simon drive from Berlin to Stockholm, with the fish and a portable generator.

They could drive from Berlin to Kiel, then take an 14 hour overnight ferry to Gotheburg. Did you know that on long ferry trips you can book a cabin so you can sleep during the voyage? So I’m envisioning Ayub and Simon checking on the fish on the vehicle deck every so often. And then in the morning they disembark.

They drive the car and trailer, or moving van they’ve hired or whatever, from Gothenburg to Stockholm. Where they can unload the custom fish tank and plug it in at Simon’s new apartment. And unload all the other crap they’d brought all the way from Germany.

But I’m not sure if that’s even possible. Would a ferry company agree to take a tank of live tropical fish on the vehicle deck, even contained? I know you can get portable generators that are electric rather than diesel. A good solar generator with the battery fully charged could keep the filtration system ticking along for a long time before needing more sunlight to recharge.

And now I have writers block because I’m stuck on the logistics of how to transport the fish. I have already considered (and discarded) the ideas of Simon not having fish as a 29 year old. Or of him giving them away to fellow fish fanciers in Berlin. An empty, unplugged custom fish tank would be much easier to transport. But I am stubborn.

This is the fish tank I had in mind, by the way. Because in my headcanon, future Simon also has a cat. Who he got after he already had fish.

The whole custom fish tank idea is a blatant ripoff of a ficlet written by….someone on Tumblr. There was this non-royal AU where Wilhelm lives in one of the fanciest apartments in a building, while Simon has a shoebox sized apartment in the same building. Wilhelm’s cat keeps escaping out the window to visit Simon, so he assumes it’s a stray and starts feeding it. He already has a tank of fish.

Simon and Wilhelm eventually meet in person (through “their” cat), and start dating. When Simon finally moves into Wille’s ridiculously large penthouse, Wilhelm orders a custom fish tank so Simon’s fish can be safe and have plenty of room to swim around. But Wille’s cat can enjoy aquatic observation.

I should note that the fic I’m working on stole ONLY the idea of a custom fish tank and a cat and a tank of fish coexisting. The rest is different. And if you’re the person who came up with the idea of Non-Royal Wilhelm’s cat deciding to set him up with Simon, please let me know. I can edit the post to link to your fic and credit your username.

[inebubble]

.

I met the sweetest borzoi youngster yesterday and his owner allowed me to say hi. He was VERY friendly and when he realized I knew where the best scratching spots were he all but jumped into my arms for cuddles then kissed my face with his long nose. He was so different from Liocha, but it was so good to hold a borzoi again, to feel him move in my space like Liocha did. At first I was all joy and after we said goodbye it hit me full force in the chest that I actually had felt again something I was so sure I’d lost forever - the feeling of his coat between my fingers, the shape of his body against mine. I broke down in tears and I still haven’t completely recovered.

I’m not sure how I feel about it. Weirdly, I feel a huge relief that this sensation (the silky silky borzoi hair) is something that I can experience again. For some reason, I thought it was lost forever and that I’d never feel it again. But that’s not true. I could meet another, and interact with them again, and this perspective feels as much like a dream as the first time I decided I wanted a borzoi. On the other hand, it’s hard to let go of the guilt associated with wanting another dog, especially another borzoi. It feels like a betrayal.

I think I’m ready for another dog, but I know I don’t want a borzoi right now. One because I haven’t let go of that guilt, two because logistically it’s not possible for me. I hope one day I’ll overcome both and be able to let another of these magical beings into my life.

God almighty I miss him though. Most of the time I feel better, and then sometimes it’s like my chest rips in two at the thought of never seeing him again. He single-handedly rekindled my hope that life after death is real and that I’ll hold him again someday.

[strawberryqueen00]

Do you think that Viren is dead?

I hope this meme accuracy describes my words. If not…oh boy

But legit…there’s a chance. So Aaravos very clearly words it “the blood of your child” not the “life of your child” the blood. That is some SUPER specific wording I’ve been thinking of. Because well…Claudia is currently missing a leg and is letting a lot of blood. But Aaravos also uses the words “sacrifice” later. This implies a death(or that there just needs to be ENOUGH blood that the only one to get it is death which Claudia bleed out could provide).

But then there’s the question of

1. Can they find Viren in time. He’s in the woods(i assume this isn’t that big of a deal)

2. Would Claudia even have the strength to do this?(would be interesting if Terry used dark magic here 👀 but also unlikely)

3. How does she figure out how to do the spell. The homunculus saying “Blood of Child” seems like a detail that the writers very likely put in to let Claudia know about the blood but who tells her the symbol in the spell? I guess the homunculus could draw the symbol in the ground?

But we’ve seen this happen before where Claudia has done something the person didn’t want/had accepted reality in Soren. Soren was fine with what happened after the dragon fight. And having the extra drama of Claudia using dark magic to bring him back if he didn’t want to. THE ANGST YOU GUYS!

But I’m not just conflicted from a logistical perspective but from a character perspective.

If the story better if Viren comes back?

Is it more narratively fufilling for Viren to choose to die a meaningless death without dark magic when he was so prideful of positions of power. Of being remembered for something greater than this. To die on his own terms humbly on the ground, forsaking that thing that his pride focused on so much?

To some him dying without seeing the rest of the gang or them knowing he gave up dark magic is a waste. But, I don’t think so. Because it is a legitimately an interesting take to have a villain come to a moral change and become a better person without the heroes ever knowing. That you can grow as a person even in your last moments and that you don’t always have to reconcile with the people you hurt for your growth to be valid.

They can still hate you and you can grow as a better person and that’s okay.

So. Do you understand why I made the meme I did st the top of my post? There are so many unique possibilities for Viren’s development from this point forward if they let him live or not.

I don’t think it’s as obvious in one side of another if his death will be permanent.

Now time for a crack theory if you were there just for that answer you can leave. I don’t fully believe this but as a not normal.tm person. My brain is…interested in this potential connection. Follow my lead for a second.

So. Terry is an Earthblood Elf and we have seen in the show and the spellbook that they can control plants and stone. And the image we’ve seen at the beginning of every episode? Viren turning to stone. What if Terry had a way to seal Viren in stone in a state where he’s on the edge of death until they can help him?

This is also an additional theory that works here.

Just to be clear, I even LESS believe this but the threads are there for it.

We know that humans can have revelations about the Arcanums after their dark magic dream. What if, in this moment of death. Of accepting life and staying true to his beliefs, grounding himself for the first in his life. We know from the Tale of Xadia books(sorry using wiki screenshots my phone is cringe) the associations the show has with Earth. We know we can trust what the book has to say about Arcanums and the show because what they say about the Ocean is what Callum uses to learn it.

A lot of these currently don’t currently fit Viren but they could in a symbolic sense. In the future(harmony to represent the growth he’s made in his relationship with through Terry along with harmony in himself AND harmony between dark magic and Arcanum magic! Patience he showed in how long he waited for the throne and his plan but also a symbolic patience of how it’s taken for him to get here,

Before this he’s also been shown to be stubborn, resilient, he literally is a representation of the deep history humans have with dark magic. HOW MANY HAS HE TRIED TO HEAL PEOPLE WITH DARK MAGIC GUYS COME ON! BALANCE! BALAANCE Light and Dark come on!

This is all just a crack theory but the more I connected then points made and more sense. The narrative potential of the greatest user of Dark Magic in the series. The Magic that hurts creatures to use, becomes a magic user of EARTH AND NATURE. To heal what he has done. To take what he used to use and help it heal and grow. Like talk about a full circle opportunity!

But it’s pretty unlikely with what we know and it anyone wants to write a fanfic or make art off Earth arcanum Viren AU PLZ @ me I love this.

[desimoviereviews]

Aiyyaa: Cute Movie, Confusing Logic

Follow me on Instagram: @thatguyanesejournalist

Let’s talk about Sachin Kundalkar’s Aiyyaa.

Meenakshi Deshpande, an outspoken and imaginative girl from a conservative family, chases after the man of her dreams while avoiding an arranged engagement/marriage put together by her family.

I can already feel this is going to be a long post. And not in a good way.

See, here’s the synopsis from Rotten Tomatoes (which is the synopsis that pops up on Google when you do a quick search of the film).

“Meenakshi is a drama queen who falls in love with Surya, a Tamil actor. Although she is engaged to another person, she still dreams of getting married to Surya.”

So naturally, I thought this movie was a fleshed-out story about Meenakshi, who is a fangirl, chasing after an actor named Surya and they both fall in love while her parents are setting up her arranged marriage (the music videos did not help in aiding this delusion)

But I wasn’t even close. In fact, that would’ve been a bit more interesting than what the film actually delivers: cuteness, but confusion if you think too hard about the logistics.

Surya is a painter who is given a few lines at best. Also (maybe it’s because we see everything from Meenakshi’s point of view) it doesn’t seem like he’s that interested in her the entire movie until the ending. You see little hints, like him dropping his handkerchief so she could wipe her tears. But, nothing else. I think the director was trying to mimic an actual crush, but it came through for me as Meenakshi daydreaming about a man who isn’t interested (I get you, girl).

Let’s talk about the other elephant in the room: Meenakshi STALKING this man. I understand the obsession, the fake scenarios in your head, and even talking to people who know him because you’re trying to get close to the guy. But not only did she follow him to his house, she:

Interacted with his mother and lied about her actual identity

Stole a shirt from him to smell his scent without him knowing (although you later find out he did know)

Oh, and let’s not forget the detail that she followed him all the way from his house to the incense factory at the end of the movie because she was “curious about him”. I get this movie is supposed to be feminist-forward (she takes charge of her own love life instead of succumbing to an arranged marriage), but I was too distracted by her actions to acknowledge the "women taking agency over themselves" message.

Stalking someone you “like” is definitely creepy no matter what gender you are.

Aside from that, the dialogue was a bit lackluster. One of the only bright sides is Meenakshi's rant (found here). However, the rest was cringy, especially the "Main daru nahi peeta, nahi peeta, nahi peeta" and the "Main bhi nahi peeti, nahi peeti, nahi peeti" lines (I had to pause after I heard that and force myself to keep going).

The soundtrack, composed by Amit Trivedi, lives up to the plot's wackiness and was possibly one of two things that saved the film (Rani was second). But from the man that released “Navrai Majhi” (English Vinglish) and “Jhallah Wallah” (Ishaqzaade) the same year, this movie’s soundtrack underwhelms a bit for me. This was more because I only remember two songs out of the whole set and not because he made mediocre music. The songs are:

Dreamum Wakeuppam (to my South Indians, I'm sorry but it's catchy as hell)

Sava Dollar (Lavani)

The movie is 152 minutes long (2 hours and 32 minutes). If you want to watch a movie that you don’t have to think too hard about, this is it. Stream Aiyyaa on Netflix, grab a snack, and enjoy!

Do you agree or disagree? Let me know in the comments!

[sollysgriefpoetry]

December (2022) (from the archive)

When a prognosis is given

7% survive the first 5 years, fewer the next, and almost none the last

We all think in secret that we are the exception 

But what happens when you actually are

What happens when you wait for death for five whole years and still it does not come

What happens when you wait for death for five whole years and still it does not come but it’s not one of those miracle survival stories

The diagnosis moves from stage 3 

Then onto stage 4

Then with that the label of terminal looms above us all as we look the other way and make jokes that maybe this one will finally kill you

Because you really are impossible

And you’ve somehow impossibly kept up appearances for all of that

Every 6 months would bring another hint at death 

And yet miraculously the only way anyone could know you were walking around with a diagnosis of imminent doom would be from you telling them in hopes that you could show them one of the terrible scars stretching across your belly

But now things are happening in a way that we aren’t familiar with

And it’s becoming clear you are on borrowed time

Did you know the day you were diagnosed and the day I turned 19 coincided?

I sat in my car in the parking lot of the Barnes and Noble sobbing and laughing hysterically simultaneously after seeing you in the hospital

I had never seen you like that before.

I stood stoically next to your bed as you made jokes to me about dying.

I stood stoically next to my mom as she explained the prognosis to me in the hallway and urged me never to tell you

I stood stoically next to my body as the deafening sound of rain on my windshield and the wild screams erupting from my chest created a perfect symphony in the dark of night illuminated by the towering street lamps lighting the parking lot of the mall next to the house you invited us into 10 years prior.

The house that I now think of as my childhood home

I wondered absently when this would stop.

I wondered absently if it would ever stop.

Sometimes I think things were better then.

Sometimes I think it would be better for the worst to happen now when it’s all numb rather than then when it was all forest fires of anger and hurricanes of grief and everything crashing down around me.

Logically I know both would bring horrors I could never prepare for, but I like to look through rose tinted glasses at the what if sometimes.

I don’t know. Call me morbid if you must. A little what if never hurt.

Talking to my parents about death in the abstract is something I find easy.

When the conversation goes from abstract to literal it gets harder

When it goes from literal to logistical it gets weird

Weird seems to be where a lot of conversations turn these days

My mom is the strongest person I know

And I know she knows what’s happening

Because she talks to me in snippets

Brief passing mentions about how we don’t have much time with you left and how she can just feel it

How on Rosh Hashanah she thought it could possibly be your last

What she’ll do after

With increasing urgency I tell her that my brother and I are here for her to lean on

And that she does not have to go at it alone.

She tells me thank you but she doesn’t want to put that on us.

I tell her it’s the nature of growing up. This is just part of it.

And I don’t tell her this part but I think to myself that in this moment her role as mother takes a back seat to her role as your wife

I am a sturdy pillar of support first

And a son second

My brother and I will be here for a long time

We are not the ones to worry about. 

I do not imagine my mother will grieve in the way that widows grieve

I think she will blossom in her freedom as she speeds through the mountains of Tennessee with the wind at her back

She will carry you with her as she flies and release you to the open skies and the crisp morning air as she celebrates the wildness that you held together

She is resilient in ways I could only dream of

I don’t think you would want it any other way

But for the time in between her children biological and otherwise will surround her gripping tightly to her body as the crashing waves engulf the rock upon which she stands

And though we can’t stop the wave through sheer spite we will not be knocked to the frothing waters below 

We have survived this long

And there has been enough tragedy

You called me a few weeks ago and left a message saying you loved me.

Did you know I save every voicemail you leave?

I texted you that I was in a meeting, and that I would call back in a bit. You responded as you always do with these calls which was to say that it wasn’t important and you just wanted to let me know how proud you were.

I called back anyway.

And that’s when I knew.

I listened to someone who wasn’t you speak using your voice.

The tones were the same but the words did not connect.

I listened as you started crying but I couldn’t tell why so I frantically offered words of comfort about how I’ll be up in a few weeks for the holidays and we’ll see each other soon and how you’re always welcome down here and we’d love to have you over for dinner some time

I suppressed the rise of something akin to terror in the back of my throat 

The unique terror from finally confronting a drawn out fate

The scream I suppressed after hours of crying 5 years ago in that car in that godforesaken parking lot

And the sinking feeling that it’s finally begun

The beginning of the end

And the unfortunate thing is that I really cannot imagine a world without you in it

I cannot fathom that you would ever be gone 

And that it would be so soon

And that the 5 years after a prognosis like the one you had would still not be enough time

I am not a praying man

At least not in the way you do it

But we can only hold your hand as you go 

and because we can’t I hope God holds your hand every moment afterward

You have done more than enough here on earth and I think He owes you at least that