#I feel like i'll be expanding on some thoughts in here at another time but also for now I'VE JUST TRIED TO WORD VOMIT EVERYTHING OUT

[trashlie]

ILY FP 219 (or, The One That Went to the Top of My Favorites List)

Hehehe is that an enticing enough, non-spoiler preview for you? lol I want so badly to tell everyone WHY they should be sure to FP this episode, but I don’t want to ruin it for anyone. Not that I think knowing what’s in there will ruin it, but I think the impact of going into it without knowing is just SO MUCH MORE POWERFUL. It’s BEAUTIFUL okay? That’s why you should read it - it’s beautiful! 

Idk where to begin with this one!!!! Over 24 hours later, sorting out my emotions is still difficult because I just keep wanting to climb the walls and start shrieking lmao AAAAHHHHHHHH! 

Those of us who are patrons of quimchee’s got a little teaser for this episode - the first part was SUPPOSED to post with 218, and quimchee said that 213-219 are all supposed to be parts of one much, MUCH bigger episode, so you know, if you want to read them all together, there you go! But anyway, even getting a little teaser of it last week, this episode was still full of so much new, and even what we got to see still hit just as strong. UGH. LISTEN. 

When the music hit me and I realized what it was? As we kept scrolling and Shinae furtively snuck back in? I CRIED okay lmao I CRIED. How long has it been since Nol last celebrated his birthday? When was the last time someone made him feel special on this day? Because he sure hasn’t allowed himself to. He hasn’t spent a birthday with friends - I mean, hell, this is the first time he’s even HAD friends who mean anything - and after everything they’ve gone through, everything he put them through, to see them show up just meant SO MUCH to me. I had no doubts that Dieter and Soushi would come through for Nol, but I didn’t think we’d get to see it so soon, either. I was so concerned that there’d been no time for them to talk at the party, that Soushi’s first indication that Nol was even there at all was seeing him fall into a glass table! Finding him bleeding out in the snow. 

How harrowing it must have been for them - at least Shinae has gotten to talk to him a little, has a little more insight into who he is, why he did what he did. I’m sure, in time, Dieter and Soushi will come up to speed, whether through Shinae or Nol himself, but even now, even with them NOT knowing or understanding, I think it makes it even more special that they showed up. Nol has been there when they needed him, whether they wanted it or not. He always had their backs, had a way of making them feel like they were special, like they matter. And now they all got to do the same for him, to return that favor. As readers, we know that Nol began those relationships with no real intentions, never intending those friendships to become real, but they did, both ways. There was something about Soushi’s commentary that really did me in - about how he doesn’t have bullies coming around anymore and even if he did, he’s got a buddy whose got his back ;~; How he went from wanting to take help from no one to coming around to the weirdly insistent boy. 

I love, LOVE, LOVE how all of their gifts related to the beginnings of their relationships. Again, it’s something about how it began on false pretenses, but how it became real and came to mean something to all of them that just really gets to me! I don’t know how to articulate it, the feeling of these people who desperately needed someone, being able to be that to Nol, that even though he’s tried to push them away, to run away, even though they have no explanation for his behavior, they still are there for him when he desperately needs it. I kept waffling for a long time on whether I thought Nol was intending to ghost everyone after prison, going back and forth even as he and Shinae talked in Minhyuk’s room. “Is he telling her this because he doesn’t plan to stick around?” But especially after all of these hospital scenes, I feel pretty confident that’s not his plan. Just like Soushi and Shinae never really intended to accept Nol’s friendship and thought they were fine on their own, I think Nol may be having that moment for himself.

Or, rather, I think he’s at a crossroads and is at war with himself. On the one hand, he doesn’t believe he deserves any of this. The way he talks about his birthday is so SAD; Shinae is right, people don’t talk like that! Was it a difficult pregnancy that Nessa had with Nol? Did his birth cause her harm? Is it just the circumstances he feels guilty for? Maybe he believes she’d be okay if she’d never conceived him? Maybe it’s because of his relation to the Hiraharas? He talks about people stepping on the burger - that definitely feels like it’s about the Hirahraras, taking his existence and making him feel insignificant and wrong, like he shouldn’t exist. But it’s the way he talks about the mistreatment of the cow sent to the slaughterhouse. It sounds like that’s about his mom - which could be the most he’s ever said about her. If his birthday is the burger, then the cow that became the burger would be her, right? I still have so many questions, ngl. Nol clearly has a complicated relationship with the memory of his mother - we know his childhood, before they left home, were his happiest memories, but at the same time, he can’t speak of the happy memories, or really, her at all. I don’t think the guilt is simply that he exists, and there’s more to it, whether it’s misconstrued on his behalf or just more puzzle pieces we’re missing. 

At any rate, Nol carries a heavy weight of guilt and has denied himself any joy or happiness, has never allowed himself to ENJOY things, lest they go awry. Probably like with his mom, and like with Shinae, a connection with him seems to end in danger. Of course, that’s not true - people end up in danger because of their own choices, and the choices of those around them - but again, we are talking about the way Nol views himself and the world. I think this is a big thing, too, because I’ve been thinking a lot about identity and perception lately, but I’ll try to get to that in a moment. 

For so long, Nol has been content with his self-inflicted punishment, but then he accidentally made real friends along the way. His quest to help people went off track. And for a while, he tried to fix that. He pulled away, he stopped responding, he tried to completely and cleanly cut them off, he drew the line and let them know. But here they still stand after it all, and he can’t help but appreciate that. The way my stupid heart flipped when he hugged Dieter and Soushi and told him he loved him. That feels like the most genuine expression we’ve seen on him in a long time - and for him to be so forthright with them, to even use that word at all! This is what makes me feel certain he doesn’t intend to ghost them. Why would he tell them that if he planned to leave? Why would he accept and embrace their friendship if he didn’t want it? And that’s the thing, isn’t it? His internal war is his wants vs what he thinks he deserves. It’s the fear that he brings harm to people, but that DESPERATE LONGING for that closeness. 

Throughout ILY we’ve seen so many times Nol wanted to reach out and denied himself the opportunity, for whatever reason. Countless times he’s reached out to Shinae only to close his hand into a fist and restrain himself. All that loneliness is haunting. I think it’s around the time they went to the arcade that Nol knew these relationships were real, and it was the arrival of Yui that reminded him he can’t do this, he can’t let his guard down, he can’t indulge his desires like this. To have that taste for friendship, for what it feels like to just let go, to be around people who don’t spend all their time trying to tear you apart, to be around people who CHOOSE your company, who CHOOSE to be with you? And then to retreat? He tasted something so sweet but had to give it up.

And now, after everything he’s done, they still show up for him, they still sat by and watched over him, they still came to CELEBRATE him? How can he continue to deny himself this? How can he close his fist and walk away from it? 

But, and my god I realize this is a very verbose point lmao, the point I’m getting at is, in the same way that Soushi and Shinae refused his friendship, in the same way that they thought they were better off on their own, I think Nol is at that same crossroad - is he better off alone? How bad is it, if he indulges just a little? 

I hope he thinks long and hard about what Shinae said very early in the evening, too. Whether or not he believes he puts people in danger, it’s not his call to make. Friendship is a two-way road and they, also, deserve to make their choice, to choose him despite the danger. It wasn’t Nol that put Shinae in danger. Maybe in a convoluted way you could say so - she’d never have called on Kousuke for that favor he owed her for getting Nol to the hospital the night of the masquerade - but regardless, Yui acts on her own. I realize this is not easy for Nol to see, because of what a deep-seated belief this is, but I hope it’s something he’ll consider more and more. 

There’s so much I could write about the birthday party ALONE. How wonderful it was to see them all together again after all this time, the sweet callbacks to their beginnings demonstrating how far they’ve come, how much they mean to each other. Nol is SO loved, and I hope he learns to wear that love as a much needed suit of armor. What does it matter that his family is trash, when this, his found family, makes up for it in so many ways? What does it matter that some people chose to make him feel insignificant, when he has people who choose to celebrate him, and the fact that he’s in their lives? ;~; That little happy smile and blush he wears when Shinae pointedly tells him they want to spend this night making him feel special ;~; It fucks me up lmao like lakjfkjafkjaf I’M GETTING WEEPY WRITING THIS ALL OVER AGAIN LMAO 

NOL DESERVES TO BE CELEBRATED. HE DESERVES TO FEEL SPECIAL. He came into their lives and individually made them all better. There’s an argument to be made that it was Kousuke’s financing that made Soushi’s life better, but we know that HE chooses Nol. That his companionship with Nol makes his life better. If not for Nol, where would they even be? He deserves to be celebrated because he’s brought so much good into other lives! And he deserves a return of that, too. All the good he tried to put into the world to counter the guilt he wears, all the good he denied himself and thus brought to others. GOD. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS ;~; I LOVE THEM, I LOVE THIS GANG I hope in the future we get to see more of them, now that we know how close their bond is, how much they mean to each other ;~; 

DIETER’S ORIGAMI DUCKIES AND THE LITTLE BIRTHDAY MESSAGES! THE CALLBACK TO NOL AND THEIR MORNING RUNS AND THE STILLNESS OF THE WATER AND THE DUCKIES ;~; Apologizing that these aren’t the best presents, that there’s no cake, but aren’t they? Isn’t this the best? There’s something about people spending their time and energy to create something for you that REALLY gets to me. Every time a friend hand-makes something for me, I just cry and cry lmao. Maybe origami duckies and happy birtday on a cake isn’t a lot of effort - but the point is that they TRIED. That at the last minute, they came up with something to try to return the kind of friend he’s been to them. They ARE the perfect gifts. What else could he possibly need more than to know that he is important to them and means so much? 

AND THAT WAY HE LOOKS OVER AT SHINAE, THE WAY SHE QUICKLY LOOKS AWAY, THE FLUSTERING, THE LITTLE BUTTERFLIES WE FEEL ON HER BEHALF!!!!! AUGH. 

I find it so cute and funny that Shinae was too shy to give Nol her gift at the same time, feeling that it paled in comparison to Dieter’s duckies, but personally, I think it’s right on par. Just like their messages, Shinae’s gift harkens back to the earliest days of her friendship with Nol, the orange soda she spilled on him, the fear he’s allergic to oranges lol, what she drew on his face the day following at that deli lol “You don’t suck that much” All the way back in episode 4, she told him “You’re a human first. And humans suck.” WHAT A CALLBACK!!!!!!!! Idk like, to me here gift was so on par, but also, it’s something that conveys a sense of feelings and being who she is, I don’t blame her for feeling a little shy about it.

ESPECIALLY COS MY GOD THERE’S SO MUCH SHYNESS IN THIS EPISODE MY GOD!!!!!!!! 

It’s been long established that I am here for the soft shit, the tender shit, for little stolen moments laced with intimacy, stolen little moments of calm in an otherwise turbulent storm. IT’S MY EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!! Dieter and Soushi on the spare bed in the room, while Shinae lays her head again on Nol’s bed, the both of them refusing to sleep. Shinae probably fears that he’ll disappear if she sleeps, that he’ll slip through her fingers; Nol probably worries that when he wakes this will be over, the calm, the good feelings. There’s something so TENDER about them trying to delay the inevitable, to stretch the last remining time. And, again, with Dieter and Soushi sleeping (god I hope Dieter is sleeping), everything that follows just feels again like a little stolen moment, just like every other moment they share together. 

The shift in Nol and Shinae’s relationship dynamic is practically palpable. How many times has she gotten flustered over his gaze this night? How many times has she been unable to hold that gaze?! I’m a sucker for this! There’s likely a number of reasons that have brought this reaction out of it. It reminds me a lot of episodes 117 and 118 with the nugget crushing hand holding and the shared music moment - how Shinae marveled over her hands afterward, how she had to go lmao hold Minhyuk’s hand to feel it out. That, and the little flashback snippet of Nol doing her make up at the formal seem to be the times that Shinae has been most affected by Nol, and I think in a lot of ways they resonate with the version of him she knows now. But that’s the other thing. She knows more than Dieter and Soushi do and through that, she’s aware of that significance and I think it’s absolutely affected her. They’ve been so incredibly vulnerable with each other all evening - Shinae being so uncharacteristic and saying so many heartfelt, sentimental things in effort to reach Nol, sharing her story about middle school, the reveal about Alyssa, the little things he’s let slip about his family dynamic. Shinae is already seeing him in a new light, and so much of it is just raw and she’s yet to have a moment to really sit down and take in everything. But also, the GLANCES, his INTENSE expressions. 

I was talking to someone on reddit about this but the thing is - this isn’t Shinae’s first meeting with Nol like this. In so many of their shared moments, this is the person he’s been, letting down his goofy mask, talking seriously with her. The break in at her apartment, the phone call after his family dinner, the scene at the wac, the breakdown on the hospital terrace, the time he gave her his extra taco. Though not as raw as this Nol, the edges softened and blurred more than he is now, she’s come face to face with this iteration of him. It’s the intensity that is so new. And lmao that intensity is what makes him so alike Rand, who made Shinae quiver LMAOOOOOO it’s so funny that this is finally catching up to her, that their appearance is finally frazzling her. But I think it’s a culmination of all of this. There’s an awareness at the tip of her tongue that she’s yet to voice, yet to confront, but she’s certainly acting on it. The stolen glances, the flustered glances away, the way she is so WHOLLY affected. 

It’s only just earlier this week, as far as the timeline goes, that Shiane realized HOW important Nol is to her, HOW scared she is of losing him, how much he means to her. Dieter used the l-word! It’s not a casual friendship. And his significance to her seems to dance along the border between platonic and romance - you can be significant to someone without it being romantic, you can be a person someone doesn’t want to lose without it being romantic. But SHE has to find that significance, she has to figure that out. All this shyness and flustering - is it the newness of this side of Nol, of all this vulnerability shared between them, or is it something more in the ways they bring comfort to each other, the ways they seem to stabilize each others’ world. I don’t think we’ve seen it demonstrated as strongly as we have with Nol, how Shinae’s presence and can center Nol and root him in the present, but I think we’ve seen a few instances of Nol being the same for her. 

This is one of those things about love and romance and friendship that fascinates me. At what point IS it romance? At what point does that friendship turn into “I want more of this I need more of this”? You can receive comfort from so many people, so at what point does it become something romantic?

And I think that’s what Shinae and Nol are toeing. Nol, certainly, is becoming more aware of that affect she has on him, the way she roots him to the present, the way she brings him much needed peace. Does Shinae realize yet the way she seeks him out? Does she realize how much peace she’s also gotten from him? 

And it seems so mutual, the way Nol gives in and indulges in the peace, the way he initiates these little moments of physicality. And it could absolutely be nothing, it could absolutely be just a casual touch amongst friends, except it’s them, and she’s flustered and looking away, and the butterflies seem to dance off the page. It’s the way he looks from her gift, loaded with what began their friendship what brought them into each other’s lives, and looks over at her trying to drown out his reaction, too embarrassed (TOO SHY!!!!!!) to see, that eyeless frame (QUIMCHEE DOES THIS SO MUCH! SO OFTEN! WHEN SHIELDING NOL’S FEELINGS!!!!!!) when he reaches over with his fingers in her hair.

HE DIDN’T HAVE TO DO THAT. HE COULD JUST TAP HER SHOULDER. HE COULD JUST SCOOT NEARER. BUT HE DOESN’T. IT’S HIS FINGERS IN HER HAIR, NEAR THE SCAR THAT PUT HER INTO DEFENSE MODE except she’s not, and he’s there, and she can’t look directly at him and he moves in close and it’s so INTIMATE it’s so TENDER it’s like the earbuds sharing moment except somehow even MORE because now she’s aware, NOW the fluttering is there, the stolen glances, the close proximity, the way he relaxes when he’s close to her, the way he is being so much MORE than he’s been before. 

His tapping finger and that coy, flirty, finger dancing?! The way she glances away as her finger dances towards him, on some level aware of what it means what it is a little too shy too coy, he way he hesitantly joins in and it’s something so SILLY so GOOFY such a light, light moment and GOD it’s beautifully done? You can FEEL the flirtiness of it, you can FEEL the little butterflies, the shyness and hesitation. The way Nol’s smile fades and he becomes serious before his finger hooks around hers, the way she thinks he’s playing until she, too, realizes, he’s not UGH. /UGH/ I SCREAM!!!!!!! How is it that a single finger hooked around another makes me scale the walls like this?! It’s such a small thing, but it’s so BOLD, initiating a dance even though he must be in pain! His back?! His body?! He’s not even on morphine ;~; He’s just. ENDURING IT. 

And idk, I never know what’s going through his mind. The dance she offered him that they never got to share. Something more significant than fingers dancing, something that means MORE. 

And again, that’s the thing. I think he’s so at war with himself. He’s still calling her Yoo, but he’s touching and so close and initiating that dance and he can tell himself it doesn’t mean anything, but he already knows. He already figured that out last episode. Soon he’ll be gone and he’ll be away from the people he loves, all alone again, and he’s scared to go. He still can’t bring himself to use her name, he can’t be so familiar with her - and yet is this not a more familiar way of being? I feel like part of is is that feeling of how fleeting this moment is, wanting to capture as much of it as possible, finally acting on what he wants. All those times he’s reached out only to close his fist, and this time he isn’t hesitating, this time he isn’t denying himself. This is what he wants, so he goes for it. 

Will he regret it? I hope he’s far enough beyond his point of no return that he can’t. I hope he’s acting out of clarity that if this is the case, if this is how he feels, then why shouldn’t he allow himself this. Perhaps there’s fear that when he comes back it will all be different, that this will be a fleeting dream and everyone will move on without him. It feels like the cusp of a dream and reality, where you allow yourself to indulge because soon you return to the real world, to the waking nightmare of reality and this will be all you have left to carry with you. 

It feels even more likely when he crumbles when she mentions when he returns. Perhaps it could be that he DOES intend to never come back after he releases, but idk, I guess I’m just so hopeful that’s not the case? It could be a parallel to the hug in the rain, when she asked if any of it was real and he hugged her because it wasn’t until it was and he couldn’t bear to say so. But it also feels so much like he’s afraid. The way he buries his head in her shoulder, his face hidden so she can’t see his emotions, their hands still held at their side feels so much like he’s afraid and doesn’t want to say so, wants to put on a brave face but he can’t. “When he returns” because for a time he will be away and he just had the sweetest taste of calm and when he wakes up from this dream the waking nightmare resumes, he’ll again be all alone and it’s so much harder to go back to alone when you’ve had a taste for this, when you’ve indulged. How can he go back to before, how can he face this new stage alone? 

It’s such a sad little scene, the way they’re standing together, another dance interrupted, but at the same time, there’s something sweet. Very bittersweet, I guess. Maybe it’s just because he’s too weary and hasn’t had it in him to put up the walls again, but to see him, yet again, seeking that comfort in her, allowing himself something he once would have denied himself. Allowing himself to feel his feelings and to comfort himself. 

There’s just so much that is beautiful and painful about this episode. For this to be the first time he’s felt peaceful and calm and he nearly died in order to have this moment? The knowing that he will have to leave, that he’ll have to return to feeling small and insignificant, that he has to face a new fear when he goes to prison, when this little suspended moment in time is all over. While I personally think - or hope - we’ll get to see a positive transformation from Nol while he’s locked up, thanks to the counseling he’ll be going through, it’s still hard to watch him have to leave this. I don’t want to romanticize his sentence by any means lol but I do think being away from his family, away from the people who chip away at him and tear him down, can give him so peace to confront what he hasn’t been able to. I don’t think it will be a total transformation of any kind - just the necessary first steps. Nol needs to be away from the Hiraharas, and to learn to see the worth in himself. 

I mentioned this earlier in this post, but I’ve been thinking a LOT about perception of self, and how others see us. For instance, the version of me that I intimately know, that exists to me, doesn’t necessarily exist to others. Likewise, there are people who will see me in very different ways than I see myself, and it’s not that they don’t know me well, it’s just that we all are different people to everyone we know. We’re multifaceted and shaped by our experiences, but also by our actions and how we’ve affected the people with whom we interact. 

Nol sees himself as a villain, as a monster, as someone who needs to be punished. But that’s not the version of him that Shinae knows, or Dieter or Soushi, either. To them, he’s a hero, he’s someone who does good. Shinae described him as the sun and while I think that’s partly because of his bright smile and bubbly personality as Yeonggi, I think it’s also in the way that he can make things a little better for everyone. Nol has never been able to see himself the way others see him, though, because he’s so pre-occupied with the version of himself he knows, the one that’s been so heavily influenced by the Hiraharas. That he’s a mistake, that he shouldn’t exist, that everything would be better without him. And because he can’t see those versions of himself, he can’t see that it’s not true. Shinae certainly wouldn’t be better off without him, nor would Soushi or Dieter. BECAUSE he’s in their lives, they are better off. And that’s what he needs to learn to see, to reconcile with the version of him that exists. Because sure, that’s part of him. Maybe it’s not correct, but it’s a part of his identity. But so is the version of him that exists to his friends. So is the version of him that Nana loves. And obviously, it’s not so easy to wake up to those sides, because of how overwhelming this version of him is. But I hope that time away from the people who feed into that image, with some counseling might help him start to clear that away and better see himself for who he is, all the multitudes that he is. 

Because here’s the thing - people contain a range of good and bad, that’s what makes us human. Our choices ultimately define that, but so do our circumstances. This is why I can offer empathy towards characters like Kousuke and Alyssa who have made choices that we wouldn’t consider right, but make sense for their circumstances. Nol contains so much darkness, but he also contains so much light. Maybe he’s not as radiant as Yeonggi - but maybe it’s only because he hasn’t had the chance to be. Who could he be with a break from the people who tear him apart? Who could he be away from their influence? That’s what I’m keen to see, and that’s why I think he’s not intending to leave everyone after prison - or at least not GHOST people. Maybe he does need to get physically away, go to college abroad, but that doesn’t mean he’d be abandoning his friends this time. 

Nol’s real family sucks. But this family - his found family - they can bring him the joy and happiness he deserves, even before he thinks he deserves it. Again, maybe I’m just being really hopeful, but I just feel like this is a significant, defining moment for him, hopefully the beginning of him realizing he’s allowed to indulge, he’s allowed the same comfort he’s offered to others. 

Gosh what a tangent lol I know this post would be a mess. I JUST. I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS. I have sooooooo many disorganized feelings seeing Nol like this, how sad I feel how happy I feel how much my stupid heart pitter patters over his interactions with Shinae. The callback to the dance at the formal where she was so uncomfortable (BUT NOW! NOW! SHE’S NOT!!!!!!) the teasing about her dancing, and he WILL miss her. HE’LL MISS HER! UGH /GOD/ 

But boy do I hope Dieter is fast asleep lmao ;~; I don’t think Shinae or Nol are ready to face what is unfolding, but Dieter reads them so well, he’s aware of things before they are. He knows what he is, for lack of better word “competing” against, and I think maybe he even knows it’s a losing battle. He made his move and she turned him down and I think he’s accepted her friendship with grace and delight - getting to know her better, getting to grow closer to her than he ever thought. And god, isn’t it painful to watch her and know that she seems to be drawn somewhere else, that it’s nothing you can do anything about? Because Dieter loves Nol, too. He probably understands how someone would be drawn to him at all! And while I think Dieter is a character who would handle things with grace, it would still hurt. I don’t think Shinae and Nol are a thing that, if they ever happen, would do so any time soon, and by that time I like to think Dieter would be over Shinae in that way, that they’d be close friends still, that they’d be people who root for each other and want the best for each other. But for him to have that awareness NOW, ugh the pain. He’s already taken note of the way she is with Nol vs how she is with him, the way she was so overwrought when they found out about all the secrets and lies, when they found her crying in the rain. 

I DON’T WANT HIM TO GO THROUGH THAT DAMNIT ;A; 

But we are definitely at this point where it’s a little too obvious to deny, a little too obvious to look away from. Any attempt at earning Shinae’s affection feels like you’re competing with something else. Even if she’s not ready to face it and admit it yet, it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t exist. Whether or not it’s romantic or not is for her to decide, but for us as readers, we know that it’s something significant, that they have a mutual effect on each other that’s undeniable. There is so much trust shared between them now - despite it all, she trusts him, and he knows now that he can trust and rely on her, too. And as an outsider, it’s just obvious that something is there, however that something is defined. It’s not a stretch to say that Nol takes a priority, that she will at this point push things aside for him. 

Even romance aside, I think this is a dynamic we’ll be seeing a lot of going forward, because Nol still is not fast to open up to people and to rely on them. Trusting Shinae like this, letting her in to this more vulnerable side, I think defines a lot of their relationship to come as they evolve. Maybe Nol will leave and go abroad and maybe Shinae will date other people in that time, but I think we’ll see that Nol maintains a special place in her heart, that will be difficult for a lot of people to compare to. How do you compare to someone who has these experiences with her, who has developed a bond through these trials and tribulations lol? 

GOD. 

I HAVE SO MANY FEELINGS I JUST. WANNA!!!!!!!! SCREAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[lowkeyremi]

Double Trouble timeskip!hinata x reader

note: i wanted to expand on shoyo as a dad

CW: past pregnancy, children, twins, established relationship

"I don't wan' the blue one daddy, I wan' da one Mia has." Nia whines when her father tries to give her the blue tube of yogurt.

"I'm sorry baby, but sissy got the last red one." Shoyo explains to her softly. It doesn't soften the blow though, her face starts to scrunch up.

"Don't cry honey, the blue one is really good! Yummy yum!" Your little munchkin starts to sniffle, "Here go, sissy, you have da red one."

Mia is such a kind little girl, sharing with her twin. Shoyo thought having twins would be chaotic because of how the Miya twins are with one another, but so far it hasn't been that bad. They are only four though, it might get worse when they get a little older.

"Thank you sissy." Nia says with a smile as she trades yogurts with her sister.

"Well, I'm glad that worked out." The girls look up at their dad, big doe eyes, one pair filled to the brim with tears the other pair glowing.

Nia wipes away her tears with her chubby little hand. Hinata follows his little girls to the table. He's on daddy duty today while you're out on a three day business trip. Hinata was going to call the sitter but she's had the flu for the past couple of days, which in terms could affect the girls and maybe just make her feel worse.

As devoted as the man is to his work, he took off those three days because he has enough sick days to do so. Taking time off of work for the children is one of the many sacrifices he makes for deciding to have kids.

"I think mama will be kinda mad I didn't take you guys to daycare today." In his defense, he woke up late, and not just a few minutes kind of late. Two hours, kind of late. It's easier for him to call daycare and say his girls were sick rather than explain that he was unprepared, so that's what he did.

"Ms. Momoko gonna call mama, right?" Mia asks. The yogurt tube is almost empty. She's a fast eater just like her papa.

"Huh? What?!" Your poor husband doesn't even get time to think out an excuse, you're calling him right now.

"Crap." He picks up your call.

"Hey darling." His voice is suave. Best to soften the blow with his sexy voice. His girls giggle at his voice deepening.

"Hey Sho, are the girls alright? I knew something was going around at daycare and Nia seemed a little bit sniffly before I left." The worry in your voice calms Hinata. Luckily you haven't caught on.

"Yeah, they're in bed right now. Do we have any canned soup?" The girls look at him. They give him that face little kids give when you're lying.

"I think there should be some miso in the fridge, heat it up for them, okay?" He nods forgetting you can't actually see him.

"Of course, I'll make clear soup for them." Nia walks up to her father, "I wanna talk to mama!"

Hinata chuckles hesitantly, "What are you doing out of bed little girl?"

You coo softly at Nia when Hinata hands her the phone. He's trying to mouth to her to keep quiet about not being sick, but of course, with her only being four she doesn't get it.

"You feeling okay, baby?" A small fake cough escapes Nia's throat. Hinata hopes you don't hear how fake that was.

"My thoat hurt, but daddy takin care of us." She whines.

"Aww your throat? You're so cute. Mama hopes you feel better, is Mia close by or is she sleeping?" Nia hands the phone over to Mia, "Nia, you still there, honey?"

"Hi mama." Mia has a silky voice which causes you to once again be in awe of the the cute little girls that were once in your womb.

"Hi Mia, Mama misses you." She smiles brightly at your voice. Both of the girls are infatuated with you. When they first started walking they would not ever leave your side. Not even to use the bathroom.

"I miss you more. My thoat hurts too, but I be okay." You find it adorable how your girls comfort you.

"I hope you get better, baby girl. I love you very much. Can I talk to daddy?" She lets out a small hum. Your husband once again has the phone.

"Okay baby, gotta go. The girls need their soup." You quickly notice how he's in a rush to get off of the phone with you.

"I have to get back to work, call you later?"

"Of course, I love you." The sincerity of his voice always gets to you. Shoyo is always so understanding and quick to help. It's one of the many things you love about him.

"Love you too." He says his goodbyes and you say yours. Hinata never hangs up on you, so you always have to do it.

"That was a close one. Good acting girls." The ginger sticks out his hand for them to high five.

"My thoat rweally do hurt." They say at the same time.

[thelarksang]

Clues on Neil Gaiman's Tumblr

Three identical posts of a script preview with one changed word

Crowley's Present-Day Filter

No nightingale

I'm still combing through Neil's Tumblr and I'll add to this if I find any more.

Case 1: Neil posting this message about the script three times; twice with the word "Dailies" and the most recent one with "Sides". Neil claims it was a Tumblr error but it's too fishy to not be intentional.

Case 2: Anytime the screen is slightly darker, it's considered "Crowley's present-day storyline".

For example, Tiffen Bronze Glimmerglass were paired with bookshop scenes; Black Pro-Mist was used for Hell; and Black Diffusion FX for Crowley’s present-day storyline.

Neil mentions there are a lot of secrets in that article and this stood out the most. I'm going to rewatch the series and see which scenes are dark.

The Gabriel memory scene seems to also be a clue which I'll expand on at a later time.

Case 3: There was indeed "No nightingale" but there was a lark

There's a huge emphasis on Crowley saying "It's too late" throughout the series (plus Anges Nutter and her time of execution) and the "No nightingale" line comes from Romeo's speech to Juliet. which is another metaphor for lateness.

It was the lark, the herald of the morn,  No nightingale: look, love, what envious streaks  Do lace the severing clouds in yonder east:  Night's candles are burnt out, and jocund day  Stands tiptoe on the misty mountain tops.  I must be gone and live, or stay and die.

Which seems to mean: 

"No nightingale; the lark was there instead. It is morning and it is too late. I must leave." 

If the lark was there instead of a nightingale, does this point to a wrong timeline? Or maybe that their story doesn't end here and they must continue on?

The lark can be heard when Crowley leaves the bookshop.

Scene:

Lark sound:

Morever I feel like "Night's candles are burnt out" can go hand-in-hand with Job's passage on the matchbox which is "Out of his mouth go burning lamps, and sparks of fire leap out."

Side Thoughts:

Is Crowley the key to all of this? His memories being different from everyone else's, the oddly specific filter for "his present-day" scenes, the fire needed to light the lamps/keep the lamps going, him noticing there is no nightingale singing... (Btw, he is now one step closer to be eligible to ask God questions after fulfilling the ostrich question; not too sure about the peacock part though.)

What if there are actually three timelines if you consider the rule of three in a lot of scenes? Including the three concept art illustrations of the bookshop, the three telephone booths on the promo posters, etc.

[gotham-daydreams]

Hey there! I love your work so so much! I check your blog every day and get excited for every new post, I think your ideas and your writing is just spectacular!! I have a quick question to ask if that's alright. I was wondering what the first aid kit in this part of Not Here was implying?

"Like an airsoft gun, some glass beakers, various ties, a pair of shades, a glasses frame, and a sewing kit next to a first-aid kit? Bruce didn't want to think about how the first-aid kit both looked used, and was empty."

Is Bruce upset in a "he wasn't there when the reader was hurt" way, a "how often did they get hurt" way, or is it something else?

Also, if I recall there are some hints/notes about the reader being hurt in fights before but the family never came to help or aid them, which would make sense if that was why it would be empty. Though it does make me wonder if that means they were handling it entirely on their own, did Alfred know/help or did the reader hide it?

I think my first thought about it was a bit darker (iykwim), but I didn't want to jump the gun and assume like that so that's why I've decided to ask (just thinking out of my own experiences with depression) I don't mean to be so dark on purpose though! And I think the other possibilities are more likely anyway.

All in all I'm just a bit curious since the physical hurt the reader has endured hasn't been too expanded upon yet (at least not as much as emotional hurt) and I want to know more about it, what's happened and such :)

That's all! I hope you have an amazing day! Please take care of yourself, you're the most important thing you have!! Peace!!

Hello!

As with a few other things, I really just left it up to interpretation! Since the med kit being empty can honestly mean all of those things- even Alfred persuading the reader to hide it in some way (but that most likely didn't happen, I'll say that much). Though some injuries will be mentioned later :]

After all, the reader did a lot of activities, and participated in various sports during their time in the manor, and basically crammed in everything they could into their schedule. One way or another, they're bound to get hurt. Since even if the sports and activities they've done don't hurt them, then just the sheer amount of stuff they do in a week most likely will.

Accidents are bound to happen, mistakes will be made, and that can lead to injuries one way or another. Maybe from the action of the mistake/accident itself, or from how the reader takes it, along with their own experiences away from all of those things. Like their situation at home, or things that happen to their friends.

I will say that Alfred has helped the reader with some of their injuries at this point, especially ones that were more serious and severe. Though he isn't aware of every single injury that the reader has had. Especially if they were smaller, or just easier to hide, but there have been moments where someone else outside of the manor would notice that the reader is injured instead. Which may or may not lead to a hospital visit, and such records may or may not be mentioned later.

As for Bruce and how he thinks/feels when he first sees the kit? I'll be honest, it's a mix of what you said and some other stuff.

I mean, you come into your kid's room, and not only are they gone, but you're basically shown that they lived their whole life without you through the achievements they've earned. So when you look for them and find that used, empty med-kit? You start to think about what the walls don't show. To think about the journey your kid went through to get to those points, where they were earning awards for the things they did. Bruce was anyway, and I suppose that, just something as small as the med-kit, was already causing him to think about that a little too much.

After seeing the med-kit, the fact that awards only show the end of one's journey to get that particular achievement, won't stop nagging at Bruce. He thinks of the possible hardships you've had to face, and what on God's green Earth has caused you to not only have a med-kit in your room, and hidden away, but also have it be used and empty.

It makes him wonder if it was the only kit you've used, or one of many. And as much as he doesn't want to think about it, the ladder makes sense seeing everything you've participated in, and just how messy you're schedule must've been from running around, and trying to do everything to the point where you got an award for it.

He knows accidents can happen, and where mistakes can lead someone. So just as he's about to think about it- he pulls away. Deciding that now isn't the best time to wonder about something like that, so he refocuses himself.

Though for that brief moment, he does wonder about how often the reader has gotten hurt, along with that fact that he was never there- but also never even knew about it. The possibility never crossed his mind until now, and like the awards and medals on the walls, he's only seeing the end result. The med-kit being used, empty, and possibility one of many you've gone through.

And he saw none of it. Wasn't even aware of any injuries you've had in the past or present, until he started searching for you.

Instead, he finds out through a small little kit, that was tucked away to the far end of a closet, as if trying to hide itself. It tries to pull him in with it's implications, but he pulls away before much can be done, before he can think of it anymore. Before he can realize that Alfred hasn't told him much about injuries the reader has gotten. How that could imply that the reader hid them, and took care of their injuries instead. Which would then bring on a whole new kind of worry, regret, and panic to Bruce.

The thought would eat him alive if he hadn't pulled away. He knows that much.

So generally, it's a mixed bag! The med-kit alone makes Bruce wonder about what you mentioned, along with how he wasn't told that the reader got hurt, and what that could mean.

How the reader has gotten hurt is left up to interpretation, but certain injuries they've gotten in the past from certain things will be mentioned- however! If anything happened inbetween such events, or beyond what is mentioned, is up to you! :]

Alfred has helped the reader with their injuries before, but isn't aware of every injury they've gotten. Though, that sometimes did lead to other people outside of the Manor noticing instead, which may or may not have landed the reader in the hospital sometimes. Which also may or may not mean that the reader has a record of some injuries they've had in the past.

Though, yeah! The med-kit was implying that the reader has indeed gotten hurt before and such. :]

I hope this answered your question!

[psychoticallytrans]

So. Meditation.

I expect that a lot of you just cringed. Meditation is often presented as a cure-all, much like exercise is. And just like exercise, it's presented in a moralized way that fails to account for people who struggle to "just do it". In fact, in many ways it is worse- at least with exercise, you have sports, weightlifting, and running as classics that are widely known. With meditation, the only way generally spoken about is the "sit down and clear your mind" style. If there's only one way to do something, a large number of people are going to be completely unable to do it.

What meditation is supposed to do is to get you grounded in the present moment. It's supposed to help you tune back into yourself and the immediate world around you. Yes, I know that sounds like woo. Think of it as... an extended grounding exercise.

Here are some accommodations for various problems I've seen people have with it.

It puts you to sleep? Do it before bed and before naps.

Can't sit for an extended period of time? Take whatever position is comfortable. You also don't have to do it for long periods of time. Sometimes I set aside like five minutes to chill out and meditate to ground myself, and it has noticeable benefits for me.

Can't sit still? Walk. A park would be awesome, but just a room you can pace around works. If you really have to stay in one place, rock or sway. The key is that you want a rhythmic movement that you don't have to actively think about. I know at least one person who dances.

Distracted by the world around you? Focus on the input of one of your senses. Put all your processing power into hearing everything around you, or seeing everything, or feeling everything you can touch. The last one creates a great use for any fun rocks you have; you can roll them over in your hands and feel every part of them, and just experience the Texture. An advanced version of this is trying it with two senses.

Unable to clear your mind at all? Take your thoughts, start examining and untangling them. Then, organize them and figure out where they go in your mind. Why are you having this thought? Where should it be classified? I like thinking of the thoughts as books that need to be shelved correctly. This won't get rid of the thoughts, but it works as a form of meditation because you're thinking about the thoughts rather than just thinking them.

If you have another problem with meditation, please feel free to bring it up, and I'll see if there's anything I know that might help. It still won't be for everyone. Nothing is. But having more ways more widely known will expand the number of people who benefit.

[within-your-eyes-if]

A Few Updates

Hello everyone!

I have some exciting news and a few thoughts I want to share. Another long update, I'm sorry!

Codex Update: As you know, I've been working on updating the Codex. I've put a lot of thought into each entry, balancing new ideas with existing lore. While a lot of elements were already established, delving deeper into some topics has inspired some new ideas, and I want to ensure everything fits seamlessly. With this in mind, I'm considering releasing what I have so far while I continue to ponder over some of these newer concepts and refine older ones. In the next few days, I'll be going through more feedback to address some issues found before I plan to release the update.

New Story: I'm excited to share I've released a prologue and first chapter for From Here to Again! Writing something different is meant to help me grow as a writer and expand upon things I might not have considered before, especially when writing Twine.

I will not be making a Tumblr for this story right now, sorry!

I know I've shared other stories that I planned, and here are some updates on those:

Nautical Lost would definitely benefit from a later release as Within Your Eyes grows, as this story will expand upon the world lore and some events that will happen.

The Innkeeper (a working title), I decided to hold off on because I'm terrible at management games, it seems. It was meant to be a fun little story with shenanigans. However, I do want to revisit the idea later.

Short Stories: I've expressed I want to make some short stories, but I feel like there's a point in WYE I want to pass first before getting into them. But I do have one I'm working on that I want to release alongside Part Two that delves into the past.

Worries About Burnout: I know some of you are/might be worried about burnout, but I feel like I have a good system for myself. Writing is a journey I haven't explored much before. I did write, but it's something I didn't think I was good at because, honestly, I was told I wasn't. I know I'm not the greatest, but I want to grow and learn as a writer. I've been taking breaks to focus on other things I enjoy, even if it's still writing out ideas for other stories.

I appreciate all of the concern in this regard, not just for my well-being, but also for the love of my story. To see it abandoned would be heartbreaking not just for my readers, but for me as well. 'Within Your Eyes' has been an idea long in the making, shifting and growing. It's something I've always wanted to share, and I'm so happy I have!

Time for Questions: I'm ready to start answering some of your questions regarding Part One. Enough time has passed, I believe, to start delving into these. To respect those who haven't caught up yet, I'll include any spoilers under a 'Read More' tag. However, be mindful that some questions themselves might contain spoilers.

Regarding certain asks/scenarios, I think that discovering the answers through the story rather than in a post might be more rewarding. While I may still respond to these, I'll be thoughtful about placing them under a 'Read More' tag as well.

Regardless, I've been thinking more about how I should approach questions, not only in a way that's satisfying to you, but also benefits the story.

Closing Thoughts: Sorry again for the long update. I've been very reflective after releasing a second story, and I hope no one sees this as me diverting from WYE. I'm grateful for every one of you and for all of your words of encouragement and love. I hope you enjoy From Here to Again (if you decide to check it out) and continue to look forward to our Warden's journey.

Thank you!

[loupy-mongoose]

Just for the fun of it, I thought I'd share/outline some of the AU branches I've thought of for Linden Roots. None of them are anything near fleshed out. Just fun little potentials~

Some things of note: -If Lavender were to be born as a Mew, then she would have been called Poppy. So when I mention that name, that's who I'm referring to. -Unless I think of or mention a very special case, in any path where Randy survives as a human, Randy and Akoya do NOT end up romantically involved with each other. I think of the canon path as the "True Ending", lol. -In the same vein, Lav/Poppy would not come to see Randy as her dad, and would likely call him Mr. Randy. -The human form of Mo that I shared is a possibility in any path where Mo survives. -Any scenario where Randy and/or Akoya survive, they would likely go to Vivianna's place first.

-Some of these go a very, VERY dark and sad direction. Each one will be labeled appropriately.

1: Randy, Akoya, and Mo leave the lab before Poppy is turned into a Mewtwo. I could see Randy going on to become a trainer and having a team of Mews, starting with Akoya, Mo, and Poppy. Possibly gaining more, like Persim, as well.

2: Randy, Akoya, and Mo leave the lab before Lavender is born. Death Warning I see two possible outcomes with this, as it's highly unlikely that Akoya would survive having Lavender without medical aid. There's the possibility that they take her to a Pokemon Center and she survives, but also the possibility of her giving birth at Viv's place and passing away. :(

3: Randy, Akoya, and Mo leave after Lavender is born Randy is somehow convinced to not destroy the computers, and they leave the lab together.

4: Mo doesn't take Randy's memories Death Warning Without the new memories cluttering his mind and breaking his focus, Mo would be more likely to stop Akoya from rushing into the fire, and thus getting her, him, and Lav out. They may go to visit Viv and break the news to her that Randy died, but eventually Mo would get them to go find Fuji. Due to him knowing about the first Mewtwo, Mo would feel like he would be a good place to go to learn about the second.

5: Randy's mother doesn't accept him as Randy Death/Suicide Warning It was asked once on the Discord server I'm part of, what's the darkest path our stories could go down. (Or something to that effect) This is the one I came up with at the time. If Viv didn't accept Randy as Randy when he told her, then he wouldn't be able to either. He wouldn't be able to be Randy, and he wouldn't be able to be Mo, so he'd probably go off by himself and try to be someone else. But I strongly believe he would give up, and... Well...

6: Randy and Akoya both die in the fire I only just now thought of this for this post, but it's another possibly fun outcome to explore. Mo would have to take Lav by himself, in which case he would've thought of Fuji first. He would have to find him on his own, as he doesn't have access to technology like the other Mews have.

7: Lav's Bio dad survives and somehow takes Randy's memories instead of Mo. I haven't put any thought into this one, but it's an option, so I'll stick it here. XD

There could be more to come, but for now that's all I've got~

It's very interesting to think of all the ways my story could go. I don't know if, when, or how I'll ever expand on any of these, but it could be a fun idea someday! The doodles of human Mo got some gears turning, but I don't want to be distracted too far from the canon for now. >w<

[demigodickrider]

indefinitely, forever ☆ okkotsu yuuta! [1/3]

okkotsu yuuta (post shibuya) x fem!reader click here for: part one | part two | part three - no spoilers from the manga, dwdw ;) - alternative universe where yuuta is an SCP? - [18+] three-part series, 10k+ words in total

(note: not proofread, expect grammar mistakes) warning: contains descriptions of blood, yuuta is a bit OOC/has that gojo satoru influence, romance, happy ending but contains slight angst and comfort, 2nd person pov, reader swears like a sailor

"Slacking off already?"

You scramble into standing at the authoritative tone. You could feel the heavy rush of blood creeping up on your face, and the hammering of your heart in your ears. It pounds almost painfully against your chest, lungs contracting and expanding fast; both out of fear and embarrassment, with the latter being more prominent across your lethargic features as you stared up at your supervisor.

Nanami leers down at you. Disappointment is etched all across his face, followed by a knowing sigh. "I expected better."

"S-Sorry, sir." You apologize profusely, bowing down. The bright red nametag dangles from your neck and you can't help but notice how your leather shoes had worn out a long time ago. "I must've dozed off somehow. It will not happen again."

"Might a coffee help?"

You raise your head to see a paper coffee cup offered to you, light steam still rising from within. While Nanami had been nothing but ridiculously strict from the start, he was considerate enough to check in on you every once in a while. You accepted the coffee in his stead with a smile.

"Thanks, boss. I'll keep watch."

The blonde man simply hums in response. He leaves as quickly as he came, leaving you alone to watch the hallways.  You see him walk down, turn a curve- and then he's out of your sight.

You lean back, the chair creaking as you did. Working as a security officer was more lackluster than you thought it would be; movies portrayed tales of saving and glory, but this was nothing like it. The hours were long and boring, lasting 12 in total. Every four hours you were required to fuck off your post and switch to another one down the hall. Sometimes you regretted signing the NDA that never once stated just how large the underground facility was, and just how much area coverage you'd have to keep watch single handedly.

Not to mention, the anomalies that lie within.

See, the Foundation had just three main jobs for you: Observe, Check-up and Report. The comically huge button was right next to you, shining in all of its glory and always just a stretch away in any case of a problem.

You flicked between CCTV channels. Some displayed the outer areas, hallways going beyond your line of sight and others within the confined cells of those you’re keeping watch about. Most of the anomalies here are kept in solitary confinement. You’ve had your fair share of jumpscares when an entity approached too close to the camera, slobbering all up against the lense; before your screen flickers and the anomaly returns to its restful state. Oftentimes it leaves a foggy residue and a prisoner would be assigned to clean it up.

And more than often, they die doing it.

But with a clean camera and one less burden on the face of Earth— who really gives a shit? Certainly not you. Certainly not when the pay was so damn good you spent it on a trip to Bali the first month you made bank. And certainly not for…

Is that a walking person?

You thrust forward in your seat, eyes glued onto the screen as if you could make his face out in any better resolution than the crappy screen could ever do you service. The choices linger in your head: should you approach or report? One choice would lead to the individual’s death and the other might just lead you to yours.

So you took the third option: to talk to them.

There’s a static in the speaker. You tap the mic briefly, earning the attention of the stranger. They stop mid-track, head turning up and staring almost right into your very eyes, as if they could see through you.

“Identify yourself, or you will be detained.”

Person puts both hands up. “My name’s Yuta.” The voice of a man, no doubt, but you kept your suspicions still. “I woke up in a room and the door was unlocked, so I left. Where am I?”

“What room?” Your tone sharpened in inquiry.

“I don’t know. I don’t even know how I ended up here.”

“Identify yourself.” You repeat, customary of the protocol you learned before you started the job. Half of you thought of contacting Nanami; but it would risk him encountering the mysterious man. On the other hand, you couldn’t just let an unknown person roam around the facility. Much less: what if this person was an entity?

A shapeshifter of sorts, perhaps? You wouldn’t really know considering the fact that half the anomalies here are capable of human speech.

He stays silent for a while.

You repeat, “I said, identify yourself. I will give you 10 seconds to prove your humanity before I hand you over to the authorities.”

“Fuck.” Yuta mumbles, running a hand through his hair. Prove my humanity? A million thoughts ran through his head at once. Clearly, this place he had wandered into is nothing human-like. Rather, it's designed like a prison. He rummages through his pockets— nothing. All items that he brought with him prior to being caught had been confiscated. 

The countdown had started.

10

9

8

7

… “Wait,” He thought of an idea. “I can prove to you that I’m human. You can touch me. That’ll be enough, no?”

You sneer at his idea, “No physical contact.”

Yuta sighs, looking down at his uniform. At least he had his outfit intact, which means that they never intended to strip him bare at all. The man pursed his lips in a line, hands holding onto the clasp of his jacket.

6

5

4

3

2

1

… “What the FUCK do you think you’re doing?!” You yell at him, dashing to the door. You were outside just in time before Yuta could fully undress himself. His hands stop fumbling with the belt of his pants. At a loss for words, you could only watch as he drops his shirt back over his body, leaving little to imagination. 

He cranes his head up at you with a knowing smile, “Have I now proven my humanity, ma’am?”

“Nudity is strictly prohibited in this facility!”

His eyes fold into crescents at the revelation, “I’m sorry. That was the only solution I could think of. Can you show me the way out?”

You folded your arms, “No.”

“I thought so. May I at least use the restroom?”

“No.”

Yuta’s eyes drift upwards, deep in thought. “If so, will I ever make it out of here?”

“That depends,” You answer, crossing your arms together. The taser strapped onto your belt felt heavy and dangerous— more than usual. Something about Yuta just didn’t feel right, and your gut instincts claw at you to run. “We can do this the easy way, or the hard way.”

The man says nothing, merely watching every step you take as you head back into the control panel.

Your hand rests on the red button, eyes never wavering from the man that stood below you at a safe distance away. “Your choice, Yuta.”

“How must I prove myself then?”

“By showing me the anomaly that you are.”

His eyes visibly harden at your words, no longer having the glimmer that they once did. It was in the present that you felt it— the darkness that radiated off his very body, and the reason that this particular man had been wandering the halls of the facility unbothered. 

“An anomaly?”

“You’re not human.” You simply accuse.

“You might be right about that. But I choose to be human regardless of what I am.” 

You don’t care enough about his reasons. The way his dark eyes reflect absolutely nothing terrified you to the very core, more than any jumpscare you’ve encountered. The bright red button underneath you burns with such ferocity that it was only right to hit it— and send the foreign man back into the cell he once broke out of. You watch as soldiers dressed in hazmat suits flood into the hall at your call, almost always a millisecond away, their specialized guns pointed at the man.

But he did not flinch, not even once spared a gaze to look around him. He stayed his ground, only to be dragged away.

His eyes were trained on you, and only you.

“Did he hurt you?”

You’re now on break in the staffroom with Nanami and another supervisor named Maki, right after he heard of what happened. You shook your head, taking a sip of the fourth cup of coffee you had that day. The caffeine had long worn out its effects on your body that you just had to keep drinking, regardless of how detrimental it might just be to your health.

“Thankfully, no. What the fuck is a Keter class doing out there? How is he uncontained?”

“He broke out.” You turn your focus onto the coffee that had run cold, wedged between your fingers. You’ve always hated how fragile these paper cups were. It reminded you of how easy it was for these entities to crush humans to brine and bone with little to no mercy. Yet at the hands of Yuta, you were miraculously spared.

He was friendly, even.

“What kind of SCP is he?”

“He’s not an SCP. He’s a human host with an SCP living in him. Sometimes it appears, sometimes it doesn’t.” Maki shrugs.

“Damn, that’s cool.”

“He tells us that it was bound to him through love.”

You choked on your drink, splattering brown  everywhere on the table. Nanami sighs and pats your back. Maki looks at you in disgust, wiping the stains off her uniform with a handkerchief. You wanted to laugh. Out of all things, an SCP of love. You chuckle a little, smiling at your supervisor only to be met with a flat stare.

Oh.

“No way.”

“It’s true. The entity demands that no one lays a finger on him. Most times he can control the SCP. But when he’s hurt, it’s a different story entirely.”

“Wait, wait. So how did you guys manage to catch him?”

Maki recounts the details, “Apparently, he was a secret weapon in the military designed to decimate hundreds in one sweep. That SCP came to him naturally as a child, but it wasn’t his actions that got him caught.”

“So what did?”

“His superiors betrayed him and sent him over to us as they feared that he was getting too powerful for them to control.”

Oh. You started to feel a little bad for him now. But a memory crosses your mind and suddenly that sympathy is gone. 

“He almost stripped naked in front of me.”

“Huh?” Nanami was caught off-guard for once, both eyebrows raised instead of one.

“I asked him to prove his humanity.”

“And then he started stripping?” Maki had an equally confused look on her face. She pushes up the frame on her face before leaning forward, “Don’t tell me that you liked it.”

“I mean…”

“Seriously?”

You laugh sheepishly at her words, tossing the empty cup into the bin behind them in perfect accuracy. “I’m just kidding. At least I won’t have to meet him anymore. Can’t have him strip naked around me every time we cross paths.”

Nanami frowns at your words, “Be careful.”

“Sure, sure.” You wave goodbye to them and take your leave, heading towards your last shift of the day.

You found yourself in front of his cell.

Realization only hits you once you read the tag off the door, painted red and in bold: KETER CLASS. DO NOT ENGAGE. Unlike other cells, Keter cells had no windows to peek through. You could only rely on the CCTV back in the control panel room, but you found it unreliable considering how easy it was for Keters to destroy such puny little things. You take a step back.

"I really should stop drinking coffee." You mumble to yourself and turn away.

"Did you come to visit me?"

An all-too familiar voice echoed behind you, and you jump away instantaneously from the door. It's still intact. How he managed to hear you, you don't know. What you do know now is that you're standing in front of his cell.

"No."

"Is no the only word you know?"

Witty. You cough, "I heard about you."

"What about me?"  

You hesitate a little, "That you're not the anomaly."

"So now you know." There's curiosity in his tone, erasing any lethargy you had left in your body. Guilt paws at your heartstrings for doubting his reasons during the encounter earlier, but the man is still Keter class. It doesn't make him any less of a monster compared to others. The only difference between him and others is that he's placed in a jail befitting of lower ranked anomalies. "What else did you hear?"

"That you still pose as a threat to humanity."

"Am I a threat to you?"

"Yes." was your answer. You were here for money, not morality. While the notion that he would rot in his cell for the rest of his years was indeed a question of one, you weren't paid to stay idle and chitchat with an anomaly. You were expected even less: to simply cast morality aside and do as you were told by the Foundation. So you dusted yourself off and turned on your heels to move towards the next post you were supposedly assigned to. 

"I see. Well it was nice to know you..."

At the sound of your name, you freeze yet again.

"How do you know my name?"

"It's on your tag."

"How can you see me?"

Goosebumps prickle your skin all over. Your legs pick up the sudden skip in your heartbeat and in a flash, you start sprinting for your life. You were just in time, out of range as the metal door breaks open with a crash, sending debris everywhere. You were far enough to get hit, but the sound had been loud enough to garner attention from creatures all over the place. Hisses and banging scratched at your ears as you continued down the hall, the opposite direction of where safety should be. But it didn't really matter; people outside would have heard of it and safety would come for you any minute now.

You force a look over your shoulder to see an enormous white creature behind him, large grey claws extended and chillingly long arms draped around his frame resembling a protective stance. Behind the cages of muscle on her head lies a single eye, glaring right into your very soul. It's mouth move in ragged breaths, teeth sharper than its claws ready to bite. If you squint hard enough- the man with his pet monster was smiling at you. 

"You do know its rude to leave without saying goodbye, right?"

And like a predator, he started to chase you.

The entity lets out a bloodcurdling scream, getting on its arms and wriggling towards you. Now you're fully awake and drunk on adrenaline, sweat dripping down your body with how fast you were running. 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck..." Curses slew out of your lips as you ran even harder knowing how quickly he was catching up. You focused ahead instead; to the left is a dead end, you know that. And to the right is an even longer hall of agitated anomalies that most likely are on his level too. With a giant monster chasing after you however, were you really on the spot to give a shit about what would happen?

No. Anyone in your spot would've done the same.

It helped that your paycheck had been deposited earlier last week. You could really give less of a fuck about damage control.

Your feet started to hurt. "Fucking leather shoes." You grumble to yourself and skid a turn towards the elongated row of Keter-class anomalies. You pass multiple warning signs, the alarms going off. Eventually you see red all around you, shadows dancing on the walls as they approached even closer, slowing down just to taunt you. 

"Stop running."

"Then stop chasing me, you freak!"

"Well, the 'freak' has a name. It's Yuta." He closes the gap between the two of you, voice steady despite how fast he was chasing up. 

You paid him no mind as you duck underneath a warning sign and roll on your back to avoid a reaching arm from the screeching creature. Stubborn as you are, you notice an emergency exit and made mental note to stay close to it. You unclasp the taser off your belt just in time when a hand grabs your shoulder. You fire up the taser and jab right, but miss and eventually find yourself falling to the ground.

You made romantic contact with the floor, lips on the cold hard tile. "Shit!" You hiss from the pain and roll away just in time as Yuta was about to grasp a hold on you yet again.

Blood gushes from your split lip, and it tastes disgusting knowing that you just made love with the floor. Right before you could get up, though, you found yourself encaged within the palms of the alien-like SCP. Pain bursts through your nerves everywhere, feeling like knives stabbing deep into your gut. You could've swore you heard your ribs break from the amounting pressure.

"Caught you."

"Yuuuuuuta," The creature closes its janky fingers around your body, salivating as it eyed you from head to toe. The pressure around your body tightens and you felt like you could break just from how tight it was gripping you. Hair stuck to your face like a wet rag, leaving you with limited eyesight. "What should I do with herrrrrr?"

"Let.... Go... of me!" You rasp between breaths.

"Don't kill her. She'll be our lifeline, Rika."

Rika lets out a displeased grunt and sets you down on the ground, but has its hands still wrapped around you. Not as tight, but much like a warning that it could break you anytime it needed to. You catch your breath with a chain of fitful coughs, your legs and lungs burning from the marathon. Your chest heaves heavily, sore and most probably bruised. There's splitting pain from your lips, blood dripping onto the very same tile you shared your first kiss with.

You now see him eye-to-eye, close enough to notice his parted hair and sneakers. He couldn't be any younger than 20, but the eyebags that hung below his eyes tell a different story.

"I'm sorry. I need you as a hostage."

"Fuck you." You spat at him coldly.

Yuta kneels and presses a hand to your shoulder, forcing you to stop writhing under his touch. You try shoving his hand away, but the grip stays firm. Some fuck ass glowing magic flowed through his hand and loosened the soreness in your muscles, easing your tension. From your point of view, the man radiated like a glowstick. 

"Don't touch me!"

He locks his eyes with you, "I'm healing you."

"Would've been nice to not get hurt in the first place."

Yuta sucks a sharp breath in, "Look, I'm really sorry for hurting you. I just need to get out of here. You'll have to be my hostage."

You click your tongue in annoyance at his genuine apology, "You won't even make it out the front gate. They'll be all over you soon. You think the Foundation gives a shit about some security guard like me? They'll kill us both, dumbass."

"You're right." Yuta is clearly amused by your personality now that you're being treated as a partner-in-crime rather than a stranger. You stood stunned when his hand moves up and his thumb ghosts over your lips, "Don't worry, I'll get us out of here."

His thumb was cold against your lips. The action felt more intimate than you'd like, and it had you holding your breath.  It needed major balls not to flutter from the contact.

The bleeding stopped, prompting him to move his hand away.

The cold lingered a little longer than you'd like for it to be.

"Us? I'm not going anywhere with you."

"You will. Now that you're with me, they'll think you're complying with me. And if you won't, they'll imprison you." The bleeding stopped, and he wipes the remaining blood off on the side of his pants. 

You fall silent. What he said was roughly the truth. In reality, it would be even worse if you did get caught- not only will Nanami be under fire for the inability to protect you- but you might also be on trial under suspicion of letting Yuta escape. And such trials might just end in your death. All in all, its a lose-lose case; but you'd much rather be on the winning team.

"Damn you."

"We can do this the easy way, or the hard way."

You raise your head to glare at the man who had just obnoxiously turned your own words against you. His eyes light up a little, seeing your reaction. "Your choice."

"Fine."

"What was that?"

"I said yes!" You retort, flipping the bird at him.

He flashes you a grin, "That might've been the first time you've said yes to me!"

Oh, how you wished for supernatural powers like his to decimate the teasing man on the spot. Your fists crumple to a close, keeping that rage preserved in the back of your head. One day you'd get your revenge on him.

"Rika. My katana please." Yuta caresses its face gently.

You could feel her giddiness from the shake of Rika's enclosed palm around you. She reaches up to her neck and pulls out a long blade from within, handing it over to him. "For youuuu, Yutaaa."

He takes it from her, swishing it in the air and stretching his limbs free. "Thanks. Lead the way, I'll keep you safe." There's shouting and stomping from a distance, the roaring of soldiers fending off escaped anomalies. Nanami and Maki are out there too, calling for you. Your heart sinks a little at the prospect of betraying them.

You huff, blowing hair out of your face.

"It's on the other side. Opposite of the way we ran in. But I need you to do me a favor and not kill everyone you see."

Yuta brightens up. The likelihood of him fighting against a large horde of people had him excited. "That's not something I can promise."

"Fine. Then at least spare Nanami and Maki."

"Who's that?" 

"Uh, guy with blonde hair and a woman with green hair."

He shrugs, “I’ll try.”

Deep down inside, you felt a part of you die.

----------------------------------------------------------------------> part 2

[mihai-florescu]

Putting a message i sent earlier under a read more, it has some thoughts ive expressed before tho. ES, of course

My thoughts as an EichiP... i view ! and !! as different stories in the way they're approached tbh, what i fell in love with enstars for was the character driven storytelling of one event seen through different perspectives, where you see the antagonist in one perspective become a protagonist in another story and can empathize with the entire cast like this. I fell in love with eichi's story of second chances, getting what you want and regretting your actions in the process, redemption, desperation, overcoming fate and asserting one's self into the story, saving a school in a dying industry that saved your life by giving you a dream; i consider it an arc fulfilling to the reader at the end of ! era. But we still had to continue... and it's not like we didnt get inklings of eichi's dreams of idol utopia, the idol soldier idea goes back to main story 1, but !! loses the charm of the original series through expanding the worldbuilding so much and shifting to a plot driven story that opens 10 cans of worms instead of offering resolutions. There's not really room to breathe if the stakes just keep getting higher and higher...

As for the colonisation plotline, it's been here since the beginning of ES2. The SS arc makes it obvious, but i remember even before, the talks about ES taking over from local businesses, trying to be seen as the standard, it was always the direction ensemble square as an institution would take. But the "antagonist in one story, protagonist in another" approach doesnt work anymore with such subjects. The guys responsible for this are your coworkers you share dorms with. I read the stories but cant empathize anymore, so i've been feeling disconnected from eichi for a while. I see enstars with eichi at its core but i didnt care for his center event, i read it, didnt like the ending, and overall felt off. Eichi becoming the villain of ! to attone for the war kind of loses significance if a year later he is a cartoon villain idol colonialist you can't even sympathize with anymore because of the magnitude of events. However i do think !! has done good things for some characters pushing them further or developing them in a way ! didnt. But for others...

I also have my issues with sci fi elements becoming the norm, even taken metaphorically or as hyperboles, when one of the central themes i love about enstars is humanity. Then again, i am a war era fan that relied on manipulating human desires and perceptions, and the fact that there were no monsters or gods, just humans framed as such, playing on people's fears and beliefs, it's a bit jarring to me to have them introduce AIs forming from escaped comatose brains (im minimizing the switch climax rn, i didnt even hate it as a whole, just this resolution im unhappy with)

It also feels like we've lost some of the meta aspects of the writing i liked, a certain awareness of being characters in a story and there being an audience. But im still struggling to word my thoughts on this matter. I felt it present in main story 2, even if it annoyed me at parts in its obviousness ("good thing we're not protagonists, no one would want to read about us" youre right aira you are not interesting to me. And yet i'll read your story to try and empathize nevertheless. I have other thoughts on aira too, perhaps for another time). I wish we explored a bit more what it means to no longer be the central protagonist, from trickstar's perspective...and brought back the successors topic. But i havent read every ts story yet so i'd be foolish to complain before really making sure i've checked everything. To me ! ended satisfyingly with room left for elaborations and imagination, but i dont feel like !!'s ending is really ending anything at all. Not necessarily bad since it's not like the game is shutting down, but overwhelming worldbuilding wise while underwhelming character wise...

Let's see... im not sure how to end this. Just a bit of a stream of consciousness as a ! fan who still loves enstars despite my critiques. Mainly, well, no one's gonna take away the stories that already exist that i do love and impacted my life greatly. And i do think !! had some really good things too it brought, or at least stories i hold dear too. Change is scary and i don't think it's always for the best, but it's also fun to see where it goes next...

[ddarker-dreams]

Hi Lock~ I wanted to ask you abt how you got into literature, and how you’d maybe recommend someone else to start? I want to expand on my reading (and also you’ve hyped up Dostoevsky sooo much I’m hooked but I KNOW I’m not at that lvl yet haha) but there’s so many different sources and stuff idrk where to start. I have seen your list of recommendations and other people’s lists as well but Im never sure if they’re a good place if someone is just starting into literature; I’ve been really interested in Picture of Dorian Gray, Jane Eyre and Frankenstein right now, do you think they’d be okay? Did you look at books you knew you’d be into? Or did you try out smth new entirely? Also did you look at any sources online that you could recommend? I know I’ve asked a lot so you of course don’t have to answer them, but please let me know what you think!!

I also wanted to ask, as someone who’s read many classics in literature, in your opinion, how would you define literature? And what do you think makes a book a classic?

From a very clueless anon, hope you and bun bun have a great day and stay hydrated!!!!

hello anon!!! there are so many interesting questions here, i'll try answering them to the best of my abilities!!!!

(how i got into literature)

i'd been neglecting published works for most of my life because i just preferred fanfic way more. it wasn't until a bit into 2021 that i saw this Discourse Causing Post that 'you can't grow as an author if you don't read published works,' or something among those lines. i thought this was really interesting because i'd never given it much thought. around that point, even though writing was a hobby, i felt really motivated to improve. i normally spent no more than a day or two on a story before moving onto the next. which is fine, because fanfic writing is a hobby, but i felt i'd be capable of more if i put in the extra time and effort.

so basically i got into it because i wanted to write my silly little yandere fics better jdfklgjsdg

(recommendations for getting into literature)

i focused on the genre i thought i'd be the most interested in: horror. then i branched out from there. i looked up what people considered must-reads for the genre because i figured that'd be a good place to start. if you know what sort of genres you like, doing some research into its most prevalent/foundational works isn't a bad idea. that's the approach i took. authors throughout the centuries influence and inspire one another, i wanted to be able to map those connections out. this also helps give some context to older books with references that'd be loss on a modern audience.

(how i went about looking into books to see if i wanted to read them)

i research everything like my life's on the line, so i do look into books before i read them. i go for a synopsis that doesn't include spoilers and consider if that's a story i'd get invested in. if not, i'll read some reviews for fresh perspectives. if i'm still kinda meh by then, the book gets passed on.

(defining literature/classics)

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH literary theory is not my field of expertise ... i'd personally define literature as any written work such as fiction and nonfiction. it can encompass so many things that defining it feels tricky. as for how i'd define a classic, all art is subjective or whatever, but there are stories that just have the It factor. whether that is their cultural impact, or works that are pillars to the genre(s) they were written in. you can see the ripples that it made after its publication.

finally, as for the books you listed (jane eyre, the picture of dorian gray, and frankenstein), i'd highly recommend them!!! all of them are apart of the gothic genre, which is one of my favorites. they've all stood the test of time for good reason.

[cats-closet]

So once again random poly erasermic headcanon for cat quirk darling. This is inspired by my own cat when I trimmed her nail it made me wonder how that would translate to a person with a cat quirk. I had written out a whole explanation of how I thought the claws would translate to a human hand but let's be honest no one wants to hear that so I'll jump to what we're all here for.

I imagine at least Aizawa had considered that they might have to forcibly trim your nails after 'rehoming' you but the need didn't arise until you actually scratched one of them.

Maybe it was intentional maybe not but either way I imagine within a few hours after the incident you're approached by both of them and they announce what's going to happen. Your nails are getting trimmed one way or another and it'll either be an easy or forceful process.

I guess depending on your choice it'll go one of two ways. You could comply and one of them would grab your hands and (kinda humiliatingly) gently squeeze your fingies to expand the claws and carefully clip them. It would proooobably be Aizawa trimming your nails (claws?) while Hizashi coos at you for being so good :((( if you let him he'd probably pat your head too and once Aizawa finishes he also plants a couple solid pats on top of your head:(((( your ears probably react so cutely too just by the nature of being cat ears.

Oh my god and if Aizawa somehow manages to fuck up and cut too far and ends up catching the quick they'd feel sooooooo bad:'(((((( obviously, that would hurt very bad and start rapidly bleeding, instinctively you retract your hand and hold it to yourself wincing:((((((( Hizashi jumps to comfort you wrapping his arm around your back while trying to gently coax you to give them your hand so they can perform first aid, even if your hesitant they wouldn't be mad cause they know this probably hurts a lot (it does) and it's harder to be rational in situations like this:'''(((((

Depending on your pain tolerance there's a very good chance you're crying and whimpering and they feel SOOOO BAD (as they should tbh). I think Hizashi applies a little styptic powder (it's for stuff like this to stop bleeding) and wraps a little bandage around the finger (giving a soft kiss to the finger if you let him). During this Aizawa has a hand on either your shoulder or head and gently apologizes for his mistake, you're probably not paying the most attention to the things being said to you but you do hear it lmao.

They definitely make it up to you somehow probably in a manner specific to you. Something like your favorite meal you haven't had in a while or some new stuff (within reason) you've expressed interest in. They both probably say sorry a couple more times since you were so obedient and they still hurt you.

If you're,,, not obedient however,,,,

Depending on your history Aizawa probs expected you to put up a fight. Having someone else force trim your nails is embarrassing enough but these clowns???? No way you were not gonna let them. Hizashi is disappointed but it's not a very long struggle to get you under control. It's two grown pro hero men what did you expect.

You might have gotten some good scratches or even bites in but eventually, Aizawa is able to get behind and grab both your wrists, holding them out in front of you for Hizashi to handle trimming. This is far from an ideal situation since even though you're tired, you can still do many things to struggle. Simply curling your hands into fists, trying to turn and bite Aizawa, and just struggling as an action will make it much harder for Hizashi to be careful when trimming your nails to not actually cut any flesh.

In this scenario where you're fighting tooth and nail, you're almost guaranteed to get hurt. When he inevitably cuts your finger or the quick of your nail and you cry out trying to pull back on yourself, they feel much less bad. As expected they definitely blame you for this, if you hadn't struggled you wouldn't have gotten hurt but they still feel sympathetic.

They probably have to force the first-aid again but aren't as understanding of any resistance, by this point they're also getting tired and annoyed with your behavior. Once Hizashi is able to wrestle the injured hand from you and apply treatment they probably punish you still for being so insubordinate.

It's probably nothing serious, just locking you in your room without entertainment though you probably still get dinner brought to you.

Overall,,,,,,,, they're kinda annoying tbh

For such a silly concept this post was wayyy longer than expected, I'm kinda just spitting out my thots all the time so it's never given any quality control

[aquarius-cookie-jar]

So about that Cookie Run MLP au

(click to see the clearer pictures.)

I've basically tried to come up with lore and stuff. If you can't read what's on the images, don't worry, I'll expand more on my thoughts here:

(side-note, it's gonna be a long one)

White Lily Cookie

Before I talk about her, here's some random changeling lore I made up. Woodland changelings are the ones who feed on the love of other creatures by draining it from them. Basically the more hostile, fae-esque creatures. Prismatic changelings are those who don't drain love from others, but instead feed on love through mutual sharing with one another. My goal with them is to make them sorta like faeries. Yanno, the baby snatcher ones vs the nice disney-esque ones. They can transform into either one if say, they're able to form a strong bond with someone else or if they lack a strong connection and have no one to share love with.

Btw, this isn't related to mlp canon, it's just something I made up.

So anyway, White Lily was a young woodland changeling who, while she didn't (often) drain love from other people, she was still pretty lonely and ostrisized by her peers (probably due to her lily scent). She transforms into a prismatic changeling after making a strong bond with Pure Vanilla, who declared how he'll always care for her, changeling (either form) or not.

Ngl, I'm not that happy with her woodland form, mainly because it just feels less changeling-like. I based her off Queen Chrysalis, but still, the only reason I have for this, is that, she's like a queen bee. She's just born that way. She just never took the throne like the rest of her friends.

In her younger years, White Lily often transformed into a pony disguise (even after meeting PV and leaving the academy) because she still felt like it was necessary. Girl was bullied in her tweens, leave her be. (Also, by now, she's become a prismatic changeling.) Eventually, she did drop her disguise, and was relieved to know the other 3 didn't hate her. Dark Cacao even commented about how he prefers her true form.

Her soul-jam form is basically her just becoming more queen bee like, (similar to how Queen Chrysalis was bigger and taller compared to the rest of the hive. She's the queen!)

Pure Vanilla Cookie

Not much to say other than he was a unicorn who became an alicorn as the years passed and he gained his soul jam.

I dunno if I wanted his magic to be blue or yellow. I think I prefer yellow, but his soul jam is blue, and I wanted it to sorta match. Hmm.

He also has terrible eyesight, and relies on his staff to see. However, the drawside to this is that what the staff sees, is what he sees. And boy, his staff can be a bit sassy sometimes, rolling its eye and glancing down at him to judge him at times. It was especially so in his younger years. But he's comfortable with or without the staff's sight. I should mention, he does get to decide if he wants to see what his staff sees or not.

Btw, if this take is seen as ablelist in any shape or way, please let me know, and I will correct it if it is. The whole 'staff sees for PV' is a popular headcanon which I just roll with, but if it makes people uncomfortable, I understand and will revise it.

Hollyberry Cookie

Not much to say other than she was an earth pony who gained wings, magic, and super strength.

Compared to the others, she rarely ever uses her magic/wings unless absolutely needed to. It just feels quite off for her, yanno? Though, she does take advantage of her enhanced strength, agility, and stamina.

Out of everyone, she took the longest to figure out how to fly, not because she was scared, but because it felt very off to control these brand new appendages that just appear on your back whenever you use the souljam's magic to the fullest.

Her design is the most straight-forward out of everyone tbh.

Dark Cacao Cookie

He's a kirin, which are basically dragon-like ponies, and I headcanon him to be part dragon, so it works out.

For his Nirik form, I drew inspiration for how berserk Cacao looked, all whispy and spirit-like.

I was debating on whether or not I wanted to give him wings, but in the end, I realized that it would make his design feel too cluttered. So instead, I drew inspiration from east asian dragons, and how they don't need wings to fly. Dark Cacao can summon clouds and gallop across the winds instead, which I think looks really cool.

Kirin's are depicted with this lion's mane, but I didn't feel like it would fit Cacao, mainly because he's got a lot going on at this point (the armor, for one) and idk, I just couldn't fit it, unless I redesign his entire wardrobe, which I don't want to do.

About the White Lily thing I mentioned earlier, I said how Cacao prefers seeing Lily as a changeling, rather than in a disguise, because (at the time) he thought he was the only non-pony creature on the team, and it was reassuring to him that he wasn't the odd one out. Golden Cheese was the last one to officially join the band.

Golden Cheese Cookie

Head of a pony, body of a lion, wings like a hawk's. Yep, she's a sphinx.

I know she looks more cat-like here, but idk, I just really liked it, so I stuck with it.

Out of everyone, she was the one who had the most trouble with magic, mainly because she's kinda the most scatterbrained. But once she got the hang of it, she really liked using it.

Can I just say, she's definitely the most elegant looking one out of the bunch, and I'm glad that I was able to translate it well. (Or at least, I think I was.)

--

That took a lot longer than expected. But hey, this au is just for fun.

[shingekinomyfeelings]

Okay, so. This has been occupying a lot of my thoughts recently, and while it feels like it should be "cringey" or whatever to confess this on a semi-public platform, I think I should just suck it up and admit that I've been feeling really lonely and socially disconnected.

I really just do not thrive without conversations and sharing silly events as they unfold, and bouncing ideas back and forth, and having a few people to chat with throughout the day - and, more embarrassingly, feeling like there are people, even just a few, who actively want to hear from me and have me around. Yuck, right? I don't know why it feels so gross to say it outright. I've always been the first to remind people that humans are hardwired to be a social species and that social feedback is naturally what informs our behaviors and our perceptions of ourselves. I'm awful at taking my own advice, though, so I figure I'll try actually doing so.

Now, at the time, I'm a bit cut off from seriously pursuing making friends in person, for an assortment of personal reasons I won't be getting into. I'm actively working on it, but in the meantime, my social life is distressingly limited to the internet.

But you know what? I used to be great at making friends online. It doesn't seem like I still am, though.

I won't lie, testing the waters by asking if my mutuals/followers find me unapproachable and the most popular answer being that people on here really have no idea who I am and have no particular opinion about me one way or another made me a lot sadder than I thought it would. Like, damn, am I overlooked as a result of an uninteresting personality, or an off-putting aura, or simply because I've come into the habit of keeping things about my offline life vague on here?

Talking about personal, real-life matters on here feels wildly inappropriate for some reason, and I'm not sure there's a workaround for that, because it seems like just part of tumblr culture.

I'm naturally super chatty in a comfortable setting, though, especially in a small group - but I'm not as good at approaching people as I used to be, and then, to paraphrase a quote from my own fanfic like a gigantic nerd, I end up feeling like I'm not approached by other people because I'm either entirely too much to contend with, or just not enough to be someone who seems worth engaging with.

Also, let's be real, I can't help feeling that being older than most of tumblr's user base inherently sets me out on the fringes.

I had meant to keep this a bit shorter, so let me get to the point:

I really do want more friends to interact with and share things with! Actually, you know what? 'Want' isn't strong enough. I really need more social connection.

I don't know how many of you reading this are also feeling lonely and wanting/needing to expand your human interactions, or even how many people will actually read this, but I'd like to put it out there that if you want to get to know me or form a powerful secret society with me and a band of others, I'd probably be thrilled to hear from you. You're more than welcome to reach out, even if your nerves only let you do it anonymously.

I know I've admitted that I'm not the best at maintaining one on one conversation with someone I've only just begun talking to, and that still holds true, but... eh, building genuine connections does take time, and I certainly have plenty of time.

So, this is a general invitation to those who might need or want one. Let's Friendship is Magic this shit up.

[rachelfoleyisntdead]

Thoughts on MK1

I'm going to try to go in chronological order, and I might miss something and make another post about it later but let's gooooo (obviously spoilers below).

I think the first half of the story is really good. Yes, it relies very heavily on tropes, but they serve the story well and work.

I love that Outworld is a matriarchal society and that Sindel is the ruling Empress, not the Emperor's consort. Not a huge fan that everything is also based on nepotism/everyone inheriting their position from their family. Apparently meritocracy does not exist in Outworld and I get the vibe that this is in fact by Liu Kang's design.

I don't like what a hypocrite Liu Kang is. He says everyone is 'free to choose peace' but literally all of the characters have had their lives manipulated in an attempt to force this 'peace'. But we're supposed to condemn anyone who doesn't like that. Yeah, honestly--Shang Tsung and Bi-Han are valid, I'll say it.

Which brings us to Bi-Han. Oh, Bi-Han. I really want to give him a cough drop, his throat must be so sore from gargling gravel all day (I say this lovingly). I actually don't hate Bi-Han's heel turn, I just think it needed more build up. It could've worked really well if we had spent more time with Bi-Han first. I'm probably going to make a longer post about this.

I do like the new Syzoth a lot… but he's a bit much. He's really on the edge of being a Wattpad OC with how tragic and pretty he is, his whole 'saddest boy in the world' thing. Immediately offering to just die made me cringe. But, you know, hopefully he'll have fun in Earthrealm with Ashrah and Kung Lao and chill out a bit.

Baraka's whole story slaps. It's easily the best part. It is tragic, but not overdone, it's over all really great. No complaints about that at all, I just wish there was more. But maybe we'll get a Baraka expansion where they do more about the Tarkat.

Ashrah is… not as good as she could be. I love her design, love her fighting style, love her story in general and LOVE that she's here. But uh… are we not gonna talk about how she thinks killing other demons to purify herself is fine? This feels like a bug when it should be a feature. I really want them to explore this, there's so much potential here. This will also be a longer post at some point.

Shang Tsung is that bitch. Love him. 11/10 SLAY FACTOR off the charts. NRS gave the people what they want. So glad he's our villain and not Kronika. God, that smirk. What a guy.

Megan's delivery is bad, but I don't think it's entirely her fault. People should've told her. And they shouldn't have given her a character that was so serious. She works very well with a sort of dry humor, they should've played to her strengths instead of… just letting that situation happen. Cut her some slack.

Why are Liu Kang/Kitana and Hanzo/Harumi being pushed as the 'tragic lovers separated in every timeline' when that's Bi-Han and Sareena??? Like. yeah. I'm biased. But Harumi was not even a character, and Liu Kang and Kitana were not tragically separated, they were together all the time??? They ruled the Netherrealm together??? I don't get it.

I really like how story mode acts as an origin story for some of the characters and you 'unlock' their powers. I also LOVE how they used it to tease new cosmetics.

Love it when they said the thing. "mortal kombat", "deadly alliance", "armageddon" yes yes yes.

Also loved when Johnny made call backs to the OG timelines, ie "the flesh pits". Johnny really is perfect for that.

Johnny and Kung Lao are perfect.

Kuai Liang and Tomas are such daddy's boys and I hate it for them. This will probably be expanded on in the Bi-Han post but shut. the fuck. up. about. your. dad. I hope Kuai Liang never becomes grand master. I'm so sorry Kuai Liang fans, but this version of him is NOT it.

Smoke using his power to levitate up the wall was unintentionally hilarious. Especially since he didn't use it to break his fall. Bro???

Everyone in the game kinda easy to lie to/convince, but this might be a feature. Liu Kang sorta 'raised' everyone to be guileless and kneecapped the development of anyone who might be manipulative. I'll let it pass but honestly, I don't think Liu Kang needed to provide 'proof' of anything.

The entire royal family needs to apologize to Li Mei right fucking now, I am so serious. They continually did her dirty when she was nothing but loyal, and questioned her even when she was saying shit Kitana already knew (that the thing with Earthrealm was a misunderstanding). Apology, or Li Mei enters her villain era. Fuck y'all.

Basically, Li Mei, Shang Tsung, Bi-Han and Baraka get to do whatever they want as far as I'm concerned. Everyone else, I'm keeping an eye on. Oh wait, no. Kung Lao can have rights too, bc he's hilarious. Yall stop sleeping on him.

Anyway, that's my takes, I'm sure I'll have more thoughts. Overall, story mode was actually great, and I think there's a lot they can build on for DLC or even course correct, so I'm excited to see where that goes. If yall want to know my thoughts on a specific plot point or character, feel free to hit up my asks, love to make long posts about this stuff.

[sanctaignorantia]

Just adding a few things about this post here.

I think about it in two ways now. Because when we first thought of puppets, only the idea of being manipulated came to mind. But what if that's not all?

Higgs touches Fatih Akin's puppet directly and asks what it would be? Another soulless little husk? Another... Higgs has met a lot of them out there, Higgs knows what these things are.

Higgs is perhaps another one of those soulless little husks, in the same way that Lou's pod is a soulless little husk.

And then it makes me think that maybe that's why he knows more about Lou's condition than the rest of us, he knows because maybe they have something in common.

But back to the point about the puppets!

So it wouldn't just be the idea of being manipulated, it would be the idea of being a body, a husk without a soul, without desires, without love or thoughts and which is trapped by these cords that are supposed to signify some kind of connection, but which are actually used to manipulate these little husks like puppets in a theater show, telling or not telling true stories, entertaining or terrifying the audience.

We can research the origin and history of puppets and puppetry throughout history just to be sure (puppet|puppetry).

I could also add dolls, which can basically be what puppets are, but without strings to manipulate them, without anything to give them "life". But just to make it clear how much the idea of puppets can expand to these "little" things that can bring symbolic/metaphorical meanings into the narrative.

And then I'll remind you that there are 3 basic ways of using puppets and manipulating them:

-> with strings:

-> with sticks:

-> with your hands:

x

You can't say that this has nothing to do with Death Stranding. The string, the stick and the hand. Even here I'm thinking "my madness makes sense because it makes sense with the universe, but how far is Kojima going to take this?" - 2025 is a long way off. T_T

I could say that the idea is about manipulation, but it's not just manipulation.

It's about empty husks yearning for something and being manipulated by someone in order to tell a rehearsed lie to fool those watching.

And all because the red lines remind me of theater curtains too. We need to sit down and stop being crazy about this game!!! (self-criticism).

Another thing I noticed. Fatih Akin's character has a stop-motion effect, as Kojima told us, which is basically dolls moved by hand if you look at any creation of this kind, people basically use their hands to position them throughout the process, but it's not just this that I want to point out, it's the effect that these behind-the-camera videos give us: the sensation of time distortion. And with this sensation of distorted time we get the idea that the puppet is moving too slowly while the person manipulating it is moving too quickly, temporal distortion or the feeling that each one belongs to a different space-time.

So I take this and combine it with Death Stranding, where we have the idea of a multiverse and spiritual and carnal dimensions, what I get is the feeling that what controls Fatih Akin's puppet is not only somewhere else, but that this place could be another dimension, and another dimension with different temporal issues from the one the puppet is in. So would that dimension be the Beach? Maybe yes, maybe no. We don't know these soulless husks, we don't know where they came from and what moves them, so we couldn't assume they're BTs controlling receptacles (although I'll stick to that theory to the end).

If the theory is that Higgs is trapped on the Beach and this new body on earth is being controlled by his Beach Self, then wouldn't it make sense to say that the same happens to Fatih Akin's character because only he is moving in a distorted way and Higgs isn't?

And now to finish, I wouldn't be surprised if at some point in DS2 our dear Higgs appears singing Master of Puppets.

Master of puppets, I'm pulling your strings Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams Blinded by me, you can't see a thing Just call my name 'cause I'll hear you scream

[pinktom]

Hi, what do you think about the recent rise of tomarry haters who ship bellamort?

I have a feeling this one won’t go over as well as my anti-Tomione post.

However, what the server wants, the server gets. 🐍

If you like Bellamort, if you will be offended by opinions that are anti-Bellamort, do not expand this post.

I am not putting this in the tags; I am not shoving this in anyone’s face. Don't click it. Don't send me pissy anons about it. Unfollow me and move on.

Background context

First of all: a concession. I know every Voldemort-related passage in Harry Potter like the back of my hand. If you don’t think Bellamort can be found in the subtext, you’re either biased or due for another close reading. Unlike Tomione (which almost always depends on a complete fabrication of their personalities) and Tomarry (which requires a significant tone shift from the books), you can easily write Bellamort as an extension of canon. 

I don’t hate Bellamort because it’s nonsense. I hate it because it is not nonsense; it feels very real. Voldemort’s and Bellatrix’s relationship, in the canon text, is that of Master and Servant—and for me personally, any such dynamic between a man and a woman is disgusting and I have absolutely no desire to read it.

Here's some specific icks it gives me.

Fanon Bellatrix is bullshit; her real form is repulsive, whiny, and pitiful

There’s this common fanon misconstruction of Bellatrix that portrays her as a thoughtful femme fatale who enjoys a close, intimate relationship to Voldemort on nearly equal terms. I find this tacky at best.

Really, Bellatrix is a pathetic, sniveling wimp who would crawl around on her hands and knees and bark like a dog if Voldemort asked her to do so. She’s not strong; she’s weak-willed and pathetic. She's the kind of pathetic woman who accompanies a man on his killing spree and kills her own kids for said man’s affection.

This passage from Order of the Phoenix pretty concisely captures their dynamic.

Also, Tomarrymort writers love to make her past love of Voldemort and (*pukes*) it makes my tummy ache

Ever find yourself reading a fascinating Tomarry fic only for—midway in—Voldemort to reveal his true love is Bellatrix?* Or wax poetic about how beautiful she is, how special to him she is?

It's 2024. I immediately close the fic when this happens. If I’m reading a Tomarrymort fic, I don’t give a fuck about Voldemort’s past domestic abuse trysts with the most spineless woman in the entire HP series.

And the kicker is . . . for what? Because Bellatrix proved herself to Voldemort by licking his boot and wiping his asshole? Please do not try and convince me she is a sinister spooky gal, she plainly isn’t. She’s an embarrassing blithering pissant who does not foil any of Voldemort’s traits.  

And PLEASE do not try and convince me she offers Voldemort something Harry doesn't in terms of being an equal partner or someone he respects, because I cannot fathom how the woman who squeals "MASTER MASTER PLEASE I'M SORRY DON'T HURT ME - I'll wash your anus with my tongue, PLEASE master!" is somehow more respectable than brave, upright, dignified Harry.

*I’m NOT referring to a specific fic. I have been in this fandom since 2011, and I have read it dozens of times, on FF and AO3 alike.

Lastly - they're not a pretty picture

I'm just going to say it... you know those people you kinda knew in high school who now post about their kinky sex life on Facebook? The girl who posts "Daddy 🥺 ?" and the dude responds "Yes, kitten?" in the comments? The chick who has no shame in posting her wolf-tail butt plug or joining a bunch of kinkster groups?

The girl who later ends up getting the shit beaten out of her by said repulsive scrote (no shock) and posting about it on Facebook only to repeat the cycle again and again?

That's literally what Bellamort makes me think about. It's not even like it's deeply upsetting so much as it's disappointing: A reminder of the lowest very promising, very beautiful women can get for men who ought to be curb-stomped and thrown in a ditch.

Tbh the best ending for Bellatrix in canon would've been if she disemboweled and slaughtered Voldemort for ruining her fucking life with his ridiculous tacky cult. He's my baby, but he's a vile scrote first, and I wish Bellatrix had realized what a toxic, life-draining narcissistic psychopathic moron he was. But alas, she too was a pathetic worm.