#I felt really bad since there was already an issue with the machine

[daydreamingyuta]

Baking Christmas Cookies | Mark Lee

summary: fluff, boyfriend!mark surprises you by planning a baking Christmas cookies date wc: 1,351

Spending your first December with Mark as your boyfriend was already better than you could have imagined. On December 1st he surprised you with an advent calendar he made for you. You felt like a little kid again because as soon as you woke up, you couldn't wait to see the little present Mark has gifted you today.

You hop out of bed and throw on your fuzzy socks to keep you warm before you go downstairs into the kitchen. You make eye contact with the advent calendar that's sitting on your kitchen table, begging to be opened. You resist though, deciding to make some coffee first.

Your coffee machine whirs as it pours into your mug. You add your creamer and sugar and just as you're about to take your first sip, you hear your phone ding. You pick it up from the counter and see that it's from Mark.

Mark: Good morning :) did you open day five yet? Y/n: I'm just about to!

As soon as you hit send, you head over to the calendar. Mark is clearly excited for you to see what's inside, so you knew it had to be something good. It takes you a minute to find day five, as all the days are jumbled and out of order. You finally find it though and notice that it's the smallest box out of the whole calendar.

You wonder what could possibly be in the tiny box, and are only left more confused when you do open it. All that's in there is a piece of paper folded up about ten times. You unravel it, expecting a note to be written on it and you were correct.

"We're baking Christmas cookies today ♡"

Your heart jumps at the idea of baking with Mark, an activity you have yet to do with him. You immediately grab your phone and text Mark about how excited you are.

Y/n: There's nobody I would rather bake Christmas cookies with Mark! Mark: 🥹 samee

‧˚₊•┈┈┈┈୨୧┈┈┈┈•‧₊˚⊹

Hours go by as you two both complete your tasks for the day, the thought of baking getting you through your work. Mark had informed you that he already had all the ingredients ready so all you had to do was come over to his place.

You were ecstatic about all the things Mark has been doing for you recently, but a part of you couldn't help but feel slightly bad. Since the advent calendar gift was a surprise, you didn't make him one. It felt wrong that he was showering you with gifts, while he won't get any until the 25th.

You decided to solve this issue by going into the store real quick before you left for his house. This last minute gift wasn't going to be extravagant or anything, but at least he would have something fun to open tonight.

You scoured the department store, Christmas music blaring in the background, until you spotted the perfect gift. Even though you had never baked with Mark before, you knew him well enough to know that he was more than likely going to end up spilling flour all over himself. So, the forest green apron with hand-stitched poinsettias all over was what you were going to get him.

Luckily, you had given yourself enough time to go home and wrap the gift before you actually have to leave.

‧˚₊•┈┈┈┈୨୧┈┈┈┈•‧₊˚⊹

As the sun was starting to set, it was getting progressively colder out. You dressed yourself in a red off-the-shoulder sweater and a cream skirt with tights to keep you warm. You would usually just bake in your pajamas, but dressing up for Mark was always so much fun, especially since his compliments were always so sweet and left you with the biggest, goofiest smile on your face. Plus, Mark happened to really love this sweater on you, considering how he reacted the last time you wore it.

You hide Mark's gift behind you, as you knock on his front door. Almost like Mark was already waiting right by the door, he opened up right away. He was about to bring you into a hug, but then takes a step back as he notices your cute little outfit. He tilts his head at you and gives you his little smirk. "C'mon..."

"Do I look nice?"

He takes a step closer to you and cups your face into his hands. "Honestly, y/n. I have never in my entire life seen someone as beautiful as you." He squishes your cheeks and gives you a quick kiss to show just how much he adores you.

He un-squishes your cheeks and pulls you into a hug, rocking you back and forth like he always does. His eyes must have been closed because he hadn't noticed his present until he pulled away from the hug and you pulled it out. "For you."

"babyyy, I'm supposed to be the one spoiling you with gifts."

"We can both spoil each other." You say, leaning in and offering him an invitation to give you a kiss. Of course he happily takes the offer, pulling you in by your waist to get you closer.

Mark had suggested opening his present after you baked cookies, but since the gift was going to be perfect to wear while you were baking, you convinced him to open it now.

Mark tore into the present, revealing two Christmas aprons. He immediately puts it on and poses for you so you can judge how it looks and, of course, he looks adorable. "You're so cutee Mark."

"This is perfect for today! You got yourself one?" Mark say, pointing at the second one.

You nod your head and Mark helps you put it on. You grab the string so you can tie it around your waist, but Mark moves your hands away, wanting to do it for you.

Once you're all set, you finally start the activity you've both been looking forward to all day. Mark had already put out all the ingredients as well as put on the Christmas music, so you got started right away.

You two mixed all the ingredients together, following the recipe closely, wanting the cookies to turn out perfect. Just as you had expected, Mark had managed to spill some flour all over him, making a mess of the apron.

"Thankfully, I have the most amazing girlfriend who got me this apron so I didn't make a total mess."

"You're a lucky man, Mark Lee." You say, playing along.

"I really am y/n." Mark says, serious all of a sudden. "Like actually I am the luckiest guy in the world to have you."

Your heart melts because you know he means every word. You feel yourself start to tear up, so you bring your attention back to making the cookies. Never has anyone made you feel more loved and more special than Mark does.

Feelings of unworthiness cross your mind, but you quickly shut them down knowing that those thoughts would be heartbreaking to Mark if he ever found out.

Instead, you coat your fingertips with leftover flour and flick it at Mark for making you emotional.

"Woww. Here I am like pouring out my heart to you and this is how you act?"

"Because you're gonna make me cry!" You laugh, now feeling slightly back for flicking flour at him. You go to wipe off his face, but you use the hand with flour still on it and end up smearing more onto him. "I'm making it worse." You say, laughing harder.

"You're doing it on purpose." He says, wrapping his arms around your waist as he takes a few steps backwards. You lift your sleeve up to his face to fully get the flour off. "All clean?"

You nod your head and Mark pulls you into a kiss. You melt into him, your heart so full it feels like it could burst. "You know, some hot chocolate would go perfect with our cookies."

"Then we have to stop getting distracted and actually make the cookies." You say, not moving from his grasp.

"but you're my favorite distraction, baby."

[ailesswhumptober]

Hi. I definitely felt refreshed reading your hard stance and information on ai in your pinned, but irrelevant to that, I only found your blog today and I feel like I missed something with AI and whumptober. Can I learn about that? I hope my language makes sense.

In the late summer of 2023, an anonymous user asked the Whumptober blog if AI-generated content would be allowed for the event. This anon did not come from any of us, nor do we know who originally send this ask, but one of us did see Whumptober's response which kickstarted this entire thing.

Whumptober responded that they would not be disallowing AI because they "do not want to police how other people create things" and "didn't want to exclude anybody" but that they would "discourage" AI-generated content "because it feels like cheating" (all direct quotes).

Myself, the other mods, and several more people, were very disappointed in this stance. several of us started replying to the post and got into a back-and-forth with the Whumptober mods about why AI-generated content is harmful and bad. These posts and replies have since been mostly deleted by the Whumptober blog, nor do we want to rehash the entire thing, but some of the stances that Whumptober took that really rubbed us wrong were (again with direct quotes):

"AI-generated content is not art theft". When pointed out that these sorts of applications very much scrape content without consent, Whumptober claimed that it's the AI that steals then, not the person who uses the AI. They also claimed that since the AI already scraped the content, you "might as well use it", that defending against AI scraping is "going down on an already burning hill" and that "if you don't want your content scraped/stolen, just don't post it online". We found these very concerning statements from an event made by and for creators.

"AI-generated content is a fandom issue and nobody in the real world is harmed by it". This is, obviously, factually incorrect. When we pointed out real creators in many creative industries are being hit hard because of AI-generation, they said "that's capitalism's fault, not AI-generation" (???) and they also told us to "touch grass".

"These sort of AIs are an accessibility tool for the disabled, so disliking them is ableism". Again, this is incorrect. They tried to liken it to predictive text or spell check. We pointed out that there's a vast difference between those machine learning tools and actually generative AI that subsides on scraped content. We said disabled people (many of whom were involved in the back-and-forth) are sick of being used as a strawman by tech bros. They then said "real disabled people probably feel differently" which was a slap in the face, and honestly the thing that still is the most horrible to me about this whole thing.

This is the point where Whumptober started to block a bunch of us and delete asks/replies. They made a post that falsely made it seem like we were harassing and bullying them for saying that they "couldn't check every single entry for AI-generated content". We pointed out multiple times that we absolutely did not expect them to, since we're very aware that with the size of the Whumptober event, it would be impossible. We'd just like them to say 'AI-generated content is not allowed and it's art theft' but apparently they didn't want to.

After this one of the mods DMed me and asked me to send them some resources on why AI-generated content and scraping AI is bad, so they could educate themselves. We spent several minutes collecting sources (some linked in our pinned). They said the Whumptober mods would read them, and then come to a standpoint. But then within less than a minute of us sending the links, they deleted the remaining posts involved in the debate, and just told us they were sticking to their standpoint that "We will not police how people create things, we'll just discourage people by not reblogging it". They also added to their pinned that they won't ever respond to any asks about AI-generated content again. So that was that.

Somewhere during the argument, the Whumptober mods told us that if we disliked their stance so much, we should just make our own event. So we did.

(Edit to add: regardless on if whumptober does change their policy, we never received any sort of acknowledgement or apology of the above and we will keep running this event for whoever wants to.)

[bluecloudsandpinksnow]

strawberry milk (akabane karma x reader)

summary:

He likes it. It’s his favorite brand and you are so good at this ‘communicating’ thing. You’re pretty sure Karma said something after that, but currently, you are on cloud nine and you can barely process the words over your feelings of success.

You would have fist pumped and yelled ‘sublime’ too, had he not waved a hand in front of your face in concern.

“Hey, are you okay? You’re acting kinda- weird?”

Okay, you did not respond fast enough, what did he even say before that? You shake your head and prepare the fastest, most soundproof response you can muster.

“Sorry, I fell down the stairs this morning.” fandom: Assassination Classroom by Yûsei Matsui pairing: akabane karma x gender-neutral! reader warnings: none, unless you count second hand embarrassment notes: - cross posted on ao3 under the same name - first fic ever posted for me, i have more plans n drafts for this universe already but that depends on my motivation lmao - i hope you have as much fun reading as i had writing --- START ---

Mustering up the last bits of courage you can, you pull the two tetra packs from your bag and abruptly stand up.

Unfortunately for you, your chair screeches against the floorboard from the force, and all of your classmates look in your direction.

You could feel the heat creeping up your neck as you quietly mutter out an apology. Thankfully, no one makes a big issue of your disruption and they all return to their own activities.

Now to face the daunting task that’s been plaguing your mind ever since this morning at the train station, where your whimsical decision-making had you convinced that you should totally, definitely, get something for Karma.

You briskly walk across the room, over to where the aforementioned red-headed boy was conversing with Nagisa about some topic you couldn’t process at the moment.

All you want to do is to get to know him better, that’s it. No underlying motives, whatsoever.

“Hey, this is for you.”

You shoved the strawberry milk carton into his hand. A flash of innocent confusion crosses Karma’s face, and you almost let yourself think about how cute of a look it was for someone like him. Before you get to entertain that preposterous thought, he tilts his head in amusement, waiting for an explanation.

“So, uhm- The vending machine! I got lucky, cause it, uhm- it broke, so I got two instead of one- Not that it’s lucky that it broke of course! That’s bad, that has some very bad implications. Uh, you know?” you wave your hands around in an attempt to explain, gesturing to your milk carton as if it would suddenly start talking in your defense.

From the corner of your eye, you see Nagisa giving you a sympathetic smile before grabbing his notebook and gesturing to Karma of his intent to review for the next class.

You were thankful at first, until the realization sunk in that you now have to explain yourself to Karma.

Alone.

No verbal or social support from your peers.

This will be fine. You convince yourself this before the urge to backflip out of the classroom window can overtake you.

“Thanks, I guess? Why the sudden gift, you like me or something?” He teases, because of course he does, and now you have to come up with the reply or he will know that you lied about the vending machine and that there’s some dubious reason as to why you got two strawberry milk cartons that just so happen to be his favorite brand.

Karma cannot know. He absolutely cannot.

“Huh? Psh! Of course not, I just wanted to thank you for helping me last week, you know? Math isn’t my strongest subject and I- what you told me, that shortcut? It just- it’s cool! It really helped me and I felt like I had to thank you. Yeah?” you ramble, and a part of you wishes the ground would collapse beneath your feet just so you could escape this tragedy of a conversation.

You stare awkwardly at Karma, anticipating his response. You swear he looks like he wants to ask what on earth is wrong with you, but maybe it’s just the nerves.

He shrugs, “No biggie. You didn’t need to go through the effort of buying me something just for that one tip.”

He hates it. He thinks you’re weird and over the top. It’s time for you to exile yourself.

“Thanks, though. How’d you know I like this brand anyway?”

He likes it. It’s his favorite brand and you are so good at this ‘communicating’ thing. You’re pretty sure Karma said something after that, but currently, you are on cloud nine and you can barely process the words over your feelings of success.

You would have fist pumped and yelled ‘sublime’ too, had he not waved a hand in front of your face in concern.

“Hey, are you okay? You’re acting kinda- weird?”

Okay, you did not respond fast enough, what did he even say before that? You shake your head and prepare the fastest, most soundproof response you can muster.

“Sorry, I fell down the stairs this morning.”

‘WHO SAYS THAT? WHY DID I SAY THAT?’

You need to pass out right now. Maybe if he thinks you have a concussion you can still salvage your reputation in his eyes. Karma’s eyes widen in concern and you can’t help the butterflies ricocheting in your gut.

“Woah, maybe you should go have that checked with the nurse? I can take you there, I wanna skip class anyway.”

In normal circumstances, you would have reprimanded him for even suggesting that he skip classes and use you as a reason. However, now it is different. Now it is very different when you feel these very dreadful, un-platonic feelings for the redhead.

‘Calm down butterflies, he just suggested a friendly gesture of good, normal, regular, concern.’ You reassure yourself, because if you don’t, you might just blast off into the stratosphere like you were Koro-sensei being complimented by a pretty barista lady.

Karma puts his hand on your shoulder.

‘ÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆÆ'

You imagine swatting away the butterflies to keep yourself sane, and you try your best to collect an actual, reasonable response this time.

“No, no, it’s fine. Thanks for the concern. A lot of things just happened today, and I’m just a bit overwhelmed. I’m sorry if I’m acting strange.” you speak slower than you did prior, and you find yourself more composed.

Well, as composed as you can be considering Karma still has his hand on your shoulder. You bow your head in shame, not being able to meet his eyes.

He scoffs in amusement, “Hey, don’t worry about it, and really, thanks for the strawberry milk.”

You look up at him and sigh in relief, thankful that he doesn’t think you’re completely insane. He gives your shoulder another pat before moving his hand off to pry the straw from the back of his tetra pack.

“No problem! Thanks again too, for helping me last week.”

A big part of you is relieved that he took his hand off of your shoulder so your heart rate could normalize itself, but a tinier, more delusional part of your brain feels disappointed that he had to pull his hand away at all.

You move to turn and walk away, but Karma speaks again.

“Hey, if you’re still feeling overwhelmed, you can always skip class with me. We can just tell Koro-sensei you weren’t feeling well.” he offers, and it takes every ounce of sense in you to not just accept it then and there. Especially not when you meet his eyes and see them light up with mischief.

You have to be reasonable. Doing so just to entertain your silly little infatuation would disappoint Koro-sensei and tarnish your good record. You can find more excuses to spend time with him without breaking the school rules.

“No thank you, it’s okay. I think I’ll just go to the bathroom and wash my face. I appreciate the concern though.” You nod your head and flash Karma a light smile, to which he shrugs and moves to sit at his desk, drinking the strawberry milk you gave him.

You move to make your way out of the classroom, and you see Nakamura smirk at you. She was probably watching you make a fool out of yourself in front of Karma, and you know for a fact she will tease you about that horrid display of human interaction later. You squint your eyes at her, daring her to laugh or say something, to which she just smiles at you wider and you swear you can see devil horns form on her head.

Nakamura held her phone up while you were walking past. You gape slightly in frustration as you realize what she had shown you.

She had recorded your god awful attempt at giving Karma the strawberry milk. There was physical evidence of it for others to witness.

The worst part? There was physical evidence of it for Koro-sensei to witness.

You quickly stomp into the bathroom and turn on the sink, shoving your face into your hands before you let out an exasperated groan.

There was no living this down for you.

You just hoped Karma wouldn’t take the news so harshly if he found out.

---END---

Thanks for reading! :DDD

[sirfrogsworth]

Actually, I might have too many reasons.

I'm afraid it has been a really difficult few years for me and my family.

Our beloved corgi, Otis, developed a terrible condition (degenerative myelopathy) that made him lose the function of his back legs. Once his quality of life diminished passed the point where he could no longer experience joy as a dog and only had hardship and suffering to look forward to, we had to put him to sleep.

In February, despite taking painstaking measures to stay safe, my entire family contracted COVID and I also developed a kidney stone at the same time. Unfortunately, my mother was on medication that made her immune system pretty much useless. She died a horribly lonely death in the ICU. The last time I got to speak to her was over the telephone, with a nurse holding the phone up to her face. She was confused and scared and could not breathe despite being on two different breathing aids. All she could do was ask if my dad and I were okay. She was more worried about us than herself. Then they had to put her mask back on and she kept trying to talk even though I couldn't understand her. All I could hear was the fear in her voice. I tried to tell her how much I loved her one last time, but I have no idea if she could hear me.

She lost consciousness soon after and never woke up. Eventually her heart gave up and she passed. I only got to see her once briefly through a glass door. Her body was still alive, but she was already gone at that point. Just an unconscious vessel attached to machines.

My father has kidney failure and heart failure. He is being kept alive by dialysis 3 times per week. He hates going and it wipes him out every time. We hope he has a year or two left, but it's impossible to know for sure.

I am his caretaker even though I am also disabled with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Narcolepsy. I do my best to make sure his needs are met. My brother has been almost no help at all. A few friends and my aunt come by every once in a while to help with chores, but it's pretty much just me alone taking care of the both of us.

I have no idea where I am going to live if my dad passes away. I have no plan. I have no energy to make a plan. And that fear makes it hard to sleep many nights.

Then I was having these horrible stomach issues and lost nearly 30 pounds (in a bad way). The discomfort got so bad at one point I became suicidal. My dad feared for my life and so he called the police and EMTs. They admitted me into the hospital. After 2 days in the ER, being stuck in a small room because they had no other place to put me during COVID, I was finally admitted to a psychiatric ward for observation. Weirdly my stomach issues started improving and my suicidal thoughts passed.

I'm honestly not sure if I would have taken my own life if I had not been admitted. But I will say those two days in a tiny ER room did not do much to improve my mental health. It is sad that in this country with all its resources, there is no such thing as urgent mental healthcare. They just stick you in a room and make sure you can't hurt yourself as you wait in line to get the actual help you need.

Thankfully I was able to adjust some medication I was taking and resolve my stomach issues. That seemed to relieve me of my dangerous thoughts and I have been okay in that regard ever since.

My dad had a serious infection in July that placed him in the hospital. He lost the ability to walk, his heart stopped briefly, and he started having horrible hallucinations. At one point I wasn't sure if he would ever return to reality. Nothing he said made any sense. Thankfully once they treated the infection and he got decent sleep he returned to lucidity. But he had to go through brutal rehab in order to walk again (with a walker and only short distances).

He was in hospital and rehab for over a month. After what happened to my mom, I promised myself that my dad would not be alone in the hospital. So, no matter how bad I physically felt, I pushed myself to visit him and be at his bedside every day and all day until they kicked me out. It was grueling for both of us, but I don't know if he would have recovered if I hadn't been there. Partly because I kept his spirits up, but also because I was able to get him better care as an advocate. I had to push to make sure he got the tests and medication he needed and saw the doctors that could help him. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

The only bright side of his hospital stay is that we rediscovered our love for St. Louis Cardinals baseball. We bonded over it and ended up watching every game. We were very sad when they were quickly eliminated in the first round of the playoffs. But it was a magical season as two fan-favorite players were playing their final season and they had amazing and emotional sendoffs. (Albert Pujols and Yadier Molina) It is my hope that my dad has at least one more baseball season left in him.

My health took a serious downturn earlier this year. It happened on the very same day that my best friend Katrina came to visit from Florida. I got so sick I could barely appreciate her presence when she was here. I had been looking forward to seeing her for a very long time and my stupid chronic illness ruined it. I was counting on that visit to give me a mental health boost.

I recovered a few weeks later, but my health has never been the same. I had to adjust to a new normal and adapt and find ways to take care of my father despite being further impaired.

I also lost my last creative outlet--writing. I enjoy researching and writing long and humorous political essays, but since my health declined further, I have not been able to write like that ever since. I'm really hoping I can regain that ability, but I'm unsure if that will happen.

One of my best friends is trans and I have many trans friends and followers and I am just really scared for them right now. The laws that are being proposed and passed are unjust and cruel. I have never witnessed such an effective campaign of hatred in my lifetime. I mean, I know there has always been hatred of the marginalized in every era of modern human existence, but this seems to go beyond just the conservative hate-mongers. It is not couched in subtext and dog whistles. It is overt and very "out loud." And I'm seeing people who claim to be progressive join in this hatred.

They are suddenly super worried about sports they never used to pay attention to. They think bathrooms are suddenly dens of danger despite trans people existing long before this concentrated hate became popular and bathrooms being perfectly safe beforehand. And now people believe that helping trans kids with proper healthcare is akin to child abuse. They think accepting trans kids is "grooming."

I see Twitter and Reddit threads filled with transphobia and it often brings me to tears to see people openly and comfortably hate the people I love so much. They hate people who have no tangible effect on their lives. People who just want to exist and be respected.

I just don't know how people can hate my friends so much without even knowing them.

Also, I'm just... really really lonely. All the time. It feels like a constant punch in the gut. I miss seeing and hugging my friends. I miss romantic companionship. And I've got a 20+ year streak of being sexually frustrated and am completely unsure how in the world to address that.

And finally, I decided to watch The Handmaid's Tale which is just full of rape and sadness. I figured I'm already horribly depressed, so a show probably isn't going to do much more damage. But it is still a tough watch.

That's the major headlines of my depression.

I'm just trying to survive and find little ways to cope. Mostly I am leaning on my support system and amazing best friends to keep me propped up and functioning.

Best I can do right now.

[sailorblossoms-snowbaz]

Baz has complexities that seem contradictory: he has self-worth issues and contemplates compliance (which is, like Simon’s heteronormative compliance, a fate that is tied to death) but in practice, it doesn’t mean he’s just going to take whatever and anyone’s shit. He has limits. The walls he builds around himself are there because he cares about protecting his heart. He’s not really an “I’ll settle for scraps” kind of person, no matter whose scraps that might be. He’s not satisfied.

I think the common theme for him to accept less-than-ideal treatment is “people who love me and want to try their best.” When he’s taking his family’s bullshit, he does so with empathy and an understanding of these people as damaged individuals who are limited by their issues but do love him. People who, even when they saddle him with things they shouldn’t and make him feel like there are parts of him that are disappointing, still provide security for him. It seems like a contradiction, but where he felt like "the other," he also felt safe (he felt like "the other" everywhere; he didn’t really feel safe everywhere). He knows they won’t abandon him. (And as he grows into an adult, he starts pushing back and expecting better.)

He’s a complex individual defined by more than his love for Simon (I hate when he’s reduced to some sort of Simon-loving machine, willing to take anything no matter what) (or as more into Simon than Simon is into him when Simon can’t put half a thought together without bringing Baz up – they’re equally down bad). He has never been one to just let Simon do things that hurt him – he fights or pushes back in one way or another (but never harder than Simon can push back).

When Simon asks to be boyfriends, Baz isn’t jumping on his lap. Simon has to convince him, and he does so by letting him know he wants him (that he wants Baz even if Baz doesn’t want him back). That he likes being with Baz like this (he likes it better than fighting)."People who love me and want to try their best" here is replaced by "people who want me and..." because although Simon is already in love with him (and has been for a while) Simon himself hasn't figured it out yet, and it's too early for Baz to expect it, anyway (he can barely even believe Simon likes him).

At the worst of their relationship, Baz doesn’t fight or push back for the first time, and that’s only because he feels like it would be the equivalent of kicking someone when they’re down and completely incapacitated. Baz knows Simon is unwell. Baz is by his side because Simon told him he wants him – Baz fears he might not want him anymore, but he never knows for sure. This is a Baz who has only ever been assured that he’s wanted ever since he started dating Simon, and he’s seeing his boyfriend, who has been through trauma after trauma, struggle with his mental health. He’s not really “taking Simon’s scraps” – it's way more complicated than that. He’s desperate to help the person he loves, and he’s constantly wondering how can he get Simon to "let him in" without hurting him. Baz definitely has a problem with taking care of himself here – he will care for others before he takes care of himself – but this is not comparable to a "dude's playing around" scenario, or even the way that Simon was a bad boyfriend before (neglectful, uninvolved and disinterested because he didn't actually want that relationship). Baz knows that Simon is hurting in ways he can't help or control, that he’s not hurting Baz intentionally. And they’re together. There’s a relationship here (or they're trying to have it) and Baz is trying to be a partner (even if his approach is flawed).

When Simon truly hurts him, Baz slams the door in his face, both literally and figuratively. Simon has told him there’s no relationship, and has made Baz believe that he’s not wanted after all (“I hate the sight of you” is the worst possible thing Simon could’ve told him without fucking finishing the thought out loud to clarify the problem isn’t Baz but what Simon hated being reminded of). With an “I don’t want to be with you” Simon is kicked out of Baz’s "fortress." Baz's tolerance reaches its limit. All the barbed-wired defenses come up again. After this, Baz has to be convinced to take Simon back. He’s not just going to take anything because he loves Simon. He loves Simon more than anything and he will stand by him through thick and thin, but if it comes down to it, Baz will protect himself. Baz won't "set himself on fire to keep another warm" if it looks like that person is stabbing him in the heart while apparently meaning to (It's different when he tries to literally set himself on fire, which is more about his own suicidal tendencies reaching its peak rather than "sacrificing himself for love"). He doesn’t give a fuck about Simon’s reasons if it’s about guilt or anything like that.

The reason Baz takes him back is because Simon loves him. Nothing else would've done it. It's Simon telling him “I want to make this work because I love you.” He enters that group of people who love him and are trying then, even if Baz has trouble believing Simon loves him at first. And Simon loves him like no one else has loved him before: fiercely, unconditionally. He loves every part of Baz, even the parts Baz hates about himself. Simon loves Baz in a way that makes Simon want to work on himself, to be able to take care of Baz and make him happy. Simon loves Baz in a way that makes Simon not ever want to do anything that would hurt Baz (Simon can't stand to see him unhappy and wants to be the one who makes it better.) No, Baz doesn't take "Simon's scraps." After that period of total breakdown, the opposite happens. Through love, Baz makes Simon want to be better. He makes Simon want to give him everything and more.

[evangelineshifts]

Failed Shifting Attempt

Dude, I tried shifting literally all day. I took out time off so I had the whole day off and instead of doing it my way(doing random stuff till it feels like it’s working) I tried subliminals.

Worse mistake of my life.

I cracked, I got self conscious and worried that the reason I wasn’t shifting was because ‘I wasn’t doing it right’ since I didn’t have a method.

So I tried Reya’s subliminal(I only got to 27 minutes) and I wasn’t feeling anything that made me assume I was getting closer to my dr so I just stopped, I tried a different subliminal that was just sounds and I felt like i was getting a little close(I was trying to turn over in my dr and I could feel myself(?) getting pulled over but my physical body was ‘keeping me here’ like a coffin or smth so it felt like I was just getting ripped apart inside my body head first. I tried briefly doing my own thing but I stopped after like 2 minutes cause I was impatient.

So overall this entire day has been a fail attempt(never thought I’d say that) and now I’m kind of disappointed? After all my shifting attempts so far I’ve been relaxed, any ‘failed attempts have brushed off me like water. But today was so bad, it’s almost devastating. I feel burnt out or something, I feel like I’m out of energy. I’m never trying another shifting attempt like this again-🦭

I’m gonna try to get all the points in here but they’re not gonna necessarily be in order.

Okay abt you giving up bc you didn’t feel anything, I totally get that honestly I used to do that too but shifting can vary from attempt to attempt if I’m being honest. It can feel like a whirlwind and it can also feel like nothing at all so I’d just advise that when you feel nothing during an attempt try to ignore it cause you’re unintentionally focusing on your body/the process instead of being in your dr. Like a couple times I shifted I didn’t even realize I did until I was back in my cr, other times it felt like I was being sucked into a vortex and it would be unrealistic to try and ignore the feeling. I shifted all the same. Just this morning I shifted and I didn’t even realize. (I’ll make a separate post if anyone wants).

Subliminals work on the assumption that you think they’ll work. That’s why some subliminals work for some people and don’t for others. If they were some end all be all thing than one of those *WARNING SUPER POWERFUL SUBLIMINAL YOU WILL SHIFT IMMEDIATELY* subs would work for everyone but alas 🤷🏽‍♀️ they do not. Don’t beat yourself up too much over it. I honestly don’t even choose subliminals on how much they “work” for me anymore I just choose them on if the background will allow me to focus and relax and if the affs in the background help me out, great. They’re a tool not the machine, treat it as such.

There’s no right and wrong in shifting and honestly failure isn’t real as I’ve learned. No matter what came of your shift you gained SOMETHING from it. Whether it be more knowledge on how to go abt it next time or movement that you’ve just yet to see. Every attempt gets you closer and that’s a success in an of itself. Persist through it if it helps.

You did shift! Good job!

Morph that disappointment into something that happened during your shift maybe?

Chiron told you, you can’t go swim with your friends until your set chores were done. Gods that must be frustrating, you must really want to hangout with your friends. I get that.

You had an argument with someone and they just wouldn’t see your point and got angry with you? Shit what was it abt? Honestly I’d cry, I’m so sensitive when it comes to fights.

Don’t brush it off just maybe turn your focus towards something more progressive while still feeling those feelings. Tell yourself that you’ll deal with the upsetting issue the next time you go to your dr. Motivation and Affirmation that you’ve already shifted all in one. Yippee 🥳

But all in all, I hope you feel better Mimi ☹️ and I swear on my life I will remember to get to your asks in my inbox. I’ve been consistently sick for the longest time 😭😭 I’ve been around little kids and those bitches will cough straight into your mouth without remorse.

- 🍓

[prince-liest]

self-indulgent 3zun ABO AU because I like putting JGY into ~situations~

Alpha NMJ, beta LXC, and omega JGY who has been masquerading as a beta in typical ABO trope fashion, except the dramatic omega reveal happens way back when he murders the Nie captain and gets kicked out of Qinghe.

(I really do wonder what an ABO universe would do to them, psychosocially-speaking, considering that their major flaws can be pretty neatly sorted into “stereotypical” ABO roles that can be used to malign them: Nie Mingjue’s saber-induced anger issues and prior jumping to conclusions, Lan Xichen’s tendency to peacekeep with his loved ones and mold himself into a mediator to a fault, and Jin Guangyao’s....... entire existence as, basically, a tiny venomous snake.)

Present day is post-war Jinlintai before anyone I like (read: JYL, JZX) dies, where 3zun are forced to figure (just enough of) their shit out earlier—WAY earlier—and have been in not just a sworn brotherhood but a mate bond for a while now because in a world with synaesthesic scent markers and mating bites, you don’t get to take things like that back...

... At the very beginning of which bond, NMJ, still incensed and affected by Baxia's resentment, basically accepts the relationship on the bad-faith condition that JGY doesn't "pull any of that manipulative omega shit.” Would he say something like that about Nie Huaisang? No, but he’s just reaching for what hurts. When asked to elaborate on what that actually means, he doesn’t actually have anything in mind and thus rifles around in his mental sack of negative omega stereotypes for all of three seconds before clarifying that he’s talking about all that nonsense with baiting people with heats and baby trapping and whatnot.

JGY, the bitter little gremlin that he is, takes this the worst way possible and has since been taking heat suppressant ✨️indefinitely✨️. We all know how that goes. Maybe he runs out, maybe his body gives out, but most likely Jin Guangshan decides that getting JGY knocked up and too busy to politically machinate against him in addition to all the political machinating he’s doing for him is to his benefit, and arranges the botching of the preparation of whatever tea JGY takes to make this happen. Ideally right in time for NMJ and LXC to be at Jinlintai.

Except this isn’t a sexy, “Oh no, I’m a secret omega and I went into heat! My love must now ravish me!” story. Despite his best efforts, everyone already knows JGY is an omega. Despite his best accidental counterefforts, he technically has two mates already. And still, three hours into NMJ and LXC’s visit, when he realizes what is happening, he fucking panics.

Heat brain isn’t fun brain. Heat brain on top of the writhing bag of neurotic rats that runs JGY’s brain is worse. He’s fucking dead, he thinks. NMJ definitely hates omegas other than his brother (has he met any others? JGY can’t remember, which is terrifying, because JGY remembers everything), and only tolerates JGY’s omega-ness because he’s on suppressants. Da-ge is going to be so mad. And er-ge is going to have to mediate again. Unacceptable! Mortifying! Possibly not an issue because he thinks he might be having a heart attack and dying!

He spends two hours wedged into an emergency bolt-hole he built into his quarters while LXC sits outside going “pspspsps” and NMJ guiltily retrieves increasingly unfeasible amounts of food from the kitchens. It does not end up a sexy heat. It ends up a “hold the hyperventilating omega while he repeatedly forgets how to breathe” heat, because the body is not going to do sexy times while experiencing the most dramatic fight or flight instinct JGY has ever felt. Thanks, chemically-induced hormone imbalance.

(Da-ge turns out to be a good weighted blanket. Compression is good for the anxiety. And guilt turns out good for forcing people to talk things over.)

(And nobody gets pregnant.)

[snowe-zolynn-rogers]

The Gay Baby Box

Pairings: None

Word Count: 1,100 Words

Summary: The beginnings of the gay baby bonding box.

Warnings: Angst (& Fluff), Hurt/Comfort, Fighting, Hallucination (mentioned), Delusion (mentioned), , SFW Tickling, Fainting, let me know if I should add anything else.

Chapter 1: Sun And Charging

Sun was annoyed being in a box. His brother really thought putting him in a box for a time out was a good idea? What was he even meant to do? Stare at himself and hate himself? Pass time by naming all his mental issues? Maybe stare at his reflection until he hallucinated?

Maybe he was hallucinating already, actually, because the area around him in the box was teeming with almost glitter in the air, a sort of magic maybe from the box itself. Maybe Moon meant this as a charging feature of the box, since Sun was at barely 20% battery.

But no, it swirled into in front of and behind him. What was this accursed box doing? Sun looked from one to the other as he was suddenly between a red bot and a pink bot forming themselves in front of and behind him. He came face to face with Blood Moon as he woke up from reforming while what he assumed was the other twin was pressed to the wall behind them.

"Bloody?" The other twin asked from behind Sun. "Sun?"

"Yeah?" Sun asked.

"VES!" Blood Moon suddenly launched the three into the wall together, pressing Sun against him to hug 'Ves' behind Sun.

"Blood, I can't breathe." 'Ves' wheezed behind him.

"You two can't be real." Sun shucked from between them and was pressed against the opposite wall from the twins. These had to be hallucinations. Is this what Moon meant by the voices?

"Vessie, I couldn't hear you! I worried about you! You were not original, I worried you may not come back with me!" Blood Moon cling to his twin in tears, pressing close and refusing to release 'Vessie'.

"I'm here. We're okay. We're safe now, Bloody. I'm okay." 'Vessie' assured his twin.

"How could I ever survive without other? I'm so happy you came back with me!" Blood Moon sobbed out.

"I know. I'm happy you made it too. I love you, twin, we're safe, just breathe." 'Vessie' assured his twin. It took a few minutes for Blood Moon to calm down while 'Vessie' rubbed his twin's back.

"Why are you here? I don't feel bad about it!" Sun growled after having been ignored in favor of the ghosts of the dead's tantrum.

"Shut up!" Vessie growled, glaring at Sun as he kept Blood Moon close to him.

"No! I don't feel bad about killing you! You shouldn't be haunting me if I don't feel bad!" Sun growled back. His face suddenly got hit hard enough to smack his rays into the wall of the magic prison.

"What...?" Sun felt his face and rays, looking back to Ves fuming at him.

"I don't care if you feel bad about it, Sunrise. You tried to kill us. Do you understand how hard it is to reform yourself from broken machines!? When there's two of you!? We could have lost each other! One of us could have just not come back! I don't care what delusions you think you're having, we are not part of them!" Vessie growled protectively.

"H-How do I know you aren't lying?" Sun asked.

"Aside from that punch?" Vessie asked.

"Yes, something I don't know." Sun confirmed.

"My name is Harvest Moon. Only Blood Moon knows that." Harvest Moon.

"I thought it would be Vesper with 'Vessie'." Sun gave a sigh. This wasn't some hallucination or dream. They were real, they were here after having reformed, probably after hiding within Sun's mind quietly for the time they'd been 'dead'.

"Good enough?" Harvest asked.

"Yeah, yeah, it's good. Not fake. Okay." Sun slumped against the wall. At least he wasn't alone now. Even if the twins hated him, them being here was better than being alone with his thoughts. "How is Blood Moon?" Sun asked.

"He's asleep." Harvest confirmed from the red twin grasping to Harvest.

"I think you should rest too." Sun told him.

"So should you, Mr. Murderous Rampage." Harvest warned him.

"Okay, okay, we'll all rest." Sun huffed and sat on the floor, urging Harvest down too. Harvest cautiously set Blood Moon onto Sun's shoulder and then took up his other shoulder, holding his twin close.

Sun watched the seemingly younger twin, given the difference in name, fall asleep against his left shoulder while Blood Moon adjusted against his right shoulder. Surprisingly, the urge to protect them was there, just as it usually was for Lunar and Moon. His big brother instincts, he guessed.

But he held them close and looked at the mirror mocking him for only a moment before looking back to the twins and deeming the mirror a liar and shut his eyes to go into rest mode.

Sun woke up sometime later with his battery at 25%, meaning Moon had absolutely put a sort of charging feature into the magic prison, but it was a slow-acting charger only for when he was sleeping, probably to keep him inside a longer period of time. Harvest Moon and Blood Moon were awake now and Sun saw them seemingly wrestling.

"What are you doing?" Sun asked rather groggy with his still-low battery.

"Brother pinched my nose to wake me up!" Blood Moon complained.

"And that means you wrestle and wake me up?" Sun asked.

"I was tickling twin." Blood Moon tilted his head at Sun, who looked over Harvest, who was suitably giggly at the moment. Oh, he missed that.

"You wake me up with tickling?" Sun redirected.

"Well, I could've woken Sun Man with tickles! And I still could!" Blood moon seemingly took this as a means to tickle Sun. Harvest was busy giggling and cuddling to the other corner of the magic box while Blood descended upon Sun.

It felt nice to get tickled, Sun finally was letting himself laugh for the first time in at least a week or so. Sun thought he'd hate it, hate having Blood Moon touch him but he had him giggling like Harvest was in no time.

Sun was so enthralled with getting tickled by Blood Moon he didn't notice warnings popping up in his vision. Granted, his vision was full of tears from laughing so hard and his fans were running higher than the alarms in his body were. He was low it battery, it seemed.

His systems were at 2% already? He must've expended a lot getting tickled for, how long was this now? Sun didn't remember. Sun giggle right past his error screen until he felt himself shut down hearing Blood and Harvest screaming back and forth in a panic over what he assumed was his shutdown.

[ghostlycorvid]

2023 Introspective

This year started with cutting off a toxic person who had already shut me out of mutual friend spaces but kept stringing me along with "maybe in a few more months I'll let you back in". 2022 was rough on its own, especially pre-antidepressants, but a huge part of it was stuff involving this person. Blocking them and finally accepting that it was not worth trying to repair what little relationship was left was the most freeing thing I've ever done and helped me to continue that with any other rude unpleasant individual I've had to share spaces with. It's been genuinely wonderful to realize I don't have to sit there and listen to bad takes or people who are needlessly mean, so I'm glad something came out of that friendship nightmare scenario.

It still took a lot of time to not sit there in anger and frustration spirals over the way things ended up, but in February I got permission from my bosses to bring my dog Chili to work with me due to needing to keep him and our other dog from playing while she was recovering from her spay. I ended up realizing that even though Chili is a huge anxiety baby, having him with me legitimately was helping distract me from negative thoughts spirals and gave me something positive to focus on when I was getting frustrated by work-related stuff in the moment. He ended up helping a couple coworkers come down from panic attacks later in the year too. My boss likes how "calm" he is enough that he gave me permission to bring Chili to work all the time (within reason), so he's come with me on most non-event days. His progress has been slow, but he's also been improving from the regular socialization!

I finally started to really focus on my own art and developing my own products and designs, both for my personal shop and for the shop at work. I've come out the other side of this year with 9 new enamel pin designs between the two! (A couple I haven't shared yet! ;D)

I was finally given an Adderall prescription which magically solved my problem where I couldn't stay awake during the day no matter how much sleep I'd gotten! And also it started helping me focus a little better too, but genuinely the non-sleepy thing was the most lifechanging part of the medication for me. The pit in my stomach when I was told that person felt like I was stalking and surveilling them if I was quiet in a call or stream despite years of me communicating that I was constantly struggling to even stay conscious was... HOO BOY. After years of fighting for my life to stay awake in college and sometimes even while DRIVING TO AND FROM WORK,,,,,,,, I really thought something was seriously wrong with me (besides the ADHD since I didn't realize it was a symptom of that)

With toxic people removed from my social spaces and general perception, I've finally started to join group calls with my friends again without anxiety or fear of not being welcome. It's helped me start to get back into playing games again, and I've been able to get into a few that either have built in accessibility features to avoid hand strain, or I've been able to modify my hardware setup to help with issues I was running into before. I've finally managed to pick up Warframe again, and I'm bouncing between that and Path of Titans without being hopelessly deep in a hyperfocus.

I officially got promoted at my job to Retail & Visitor Services manager (and got a $3 raise in Nov!!). While I'm struggling with finding help to ease my increased workload, I'm definitely way better off than before we hired on extra staff. It's given me a lot of networking opportunities (and excuses to go on field trips on the clock for ~*networking*~) and I've been juuuust starting to poke my head into local groups. One is a monthly artists crafting meetup right by work that starts right when I clock out! :D

I had the energy and free time to start branching out and trying other arts and crafts hobbies that had been interesting me! Ended up getting a serger machine to help really tidy up clothes that I make! I got into linocut & block printing, and have been having a lot of fun working on designs for that kind of printing. I even made a few printed shirts! And of course there was Andromeda, the first puppet I've ever made, and pretty much my proudest achievement in all my years of art so far.

I've honestly been spending less time on social media proper, usually forgetting to check tumblr for days or weeks at a time. Which has been good and bad, but overall better for me to stop feeling like I HAVE to fully backlog everything ever.

I got my first tattoo this year after wanting one for years and years! And that opened up a whole new can of worms and now I'm ending the year with 5 tattoos and 2 more scheduled in the next couple months oops! My first tattoo was Joltik, with my first ever pet spide!

I started keeping spiders this year after years of being too concerned about keeping pets that required live feeding! That also was a slippery slope. I picked up Indrid my red-backed jumper and Autumn my pumpkin patch t at the end of January, and now I have them, a regal jumper, a red-knee t, and a togo starburst t. You'd never guess that less than a decade ago I was scared shitless of all spiders. :> Especially now that I will occasionally free-handle wild spiders that need relocation to someplace safer. (Mostly still just jumpers tho)

Things aren't perfect by any means and I still have a lot of areas I want to personally improve myself in, but I feel like overall this has been a really really good year for me and I want to keep that momentum going into 2024! More art! More projects just for me! More time with friends! More enjoying games! More tidying my space literally and metaphorically!

[greatbigbellies]

2023 PREGNANCY KINK ADVENT CALENDAR (DAY 2)

Secret Surrogate: 1st Trimester.

So, my counselor advised I take up journaling, so I’m giving it a shot here. She says it’ll help me get my thoughts and experiences down so I don’t linger on them so much. She’s the expert so, here we go I guess.

I suppose I’ll just get into it, since I have something really exciting but also really stressful going on. I’m surrogating for my best friend! She and her husband (lovely guy!) have wanted kids for a while now, but unfortunately my friend has some health issues that make carrying a pregnancy very unsafe for her. We talked, and made a lot of plans, and contacted the appropriate agencies and everything is above board and got greenlit!

The fertilized egg took without an issue, and now I’m proudly 11 weeks pregnant as of this writing! I’m really excited just thinking about it, helping my friend with the family she’s wanted since we met, and of course I get the proud title of god parent after the baby is born!

That also, though, kind of brings me to my trouble and stress surrounding the situation. I work a good job, part of a huge office complex, many coworkers, most of whom I am neutral toward, if I don’t like them outright. That said… there is a penchant for gossip to spread quickly, and some of the folks vying for promotions can be… very judgy.

Why am I beating around the bush? This is a journal for crying out loud. I have a coworker who recently had a baby, she’s the sweetest woman, slightly younger then me. Unfortunately, it was pretty common knowledge that she was, and still is, single. And so, when she started showing, some pretty negative opinions of her started circulating. A lot of water cooler chat about how she was “easy” and “must have gotten around a lot”, really hurtful stuff. What was really insidious was how no one actually told her that these rumors were going around until I said something, and by then it has been months, and I assumed she already knew… I felt really bad (that was a very awkward brunch…), and if I’d known I would have told her much sooner. 

The problem was so widespread that if HR were to have reprimanded the people who engaged with it, they would have been dolling out punishments for nearly two whole departments. Frankly I think they should have, but I’m all too aware that the bureaucracy machines moves too slowly to catch them all. My coworker is on maternity leave now, seems to be doing well, I check up on her when I can. With everything that happened, I’m not sure if she truly intends to come back, or if she’s just juicing them for that leave PTO. I’d miss her if she left but wouldn’t blame her in the slightest.

But now, here I am, surrogating for my friend, and I know I’ve told a few coworkers that I’m not seeing anyone… I’m worried it’ll hit me too. I could obviously just tell them the truth but I’m not sure if they would believe me. Some of them are so eager to judge… I’m not very tall either, 5’2”, so I’m going to show and probably get pretty big. Thankfully, I have one hail mary pass.

The company has been talking about renovating the office building we work out of for years now. We’re talking big, sweeping overhauls to almost every floor. Obviously they can’t just have people NOT work and they’re trying to avoid layoffs as much as possible, so the plan for when that hits is to have everyone work form home! By some miracle, the renovations start right as I’m about to hit 20 weeks, and are so massive that they plan to take almost 5 months! So my plan is to basically dress loosely to hide… well, everything, and use my backlog of paid time off as a form of parental leave to recover after giving birth. I can frame the PTO use as a vacation, bounce back, and return to work slim, trim, and NOT pregnant, my best friend gets her baby, and no one is the wiser!

The big reason I’m bending over so far backwards for this is, one of the most vocally judgy people from the incident with my coworker also happens to be the one who works the position above mine that I really, really want. Apparently they intend to work through the holidays next year to reap the christmas bonus and then retire, and they get to name their successor. They aren’t the most kind, and I wouldn’t put it past them to cast aspersions on my character and select someone else for that job based on my perceived “bastard pregnancy”. They’re a jerk, but they’d get away with it. If I want that position, I need to keep it under wraps.

It sucks too, I like the attention pregnant people get. It’s supposed to be a special, positive thing, and it should be for me too. All my family and friends are very excited and proud, but it sucks my work life has to be so isolated from it. I’ll live, but as my pregnancy progresses, I suspect I’ll be venting a lot here.

I admittedly have some things to vent about it already. The morning sickness has been very unpleasant, and I’m experiencing a noticeable amount of bloating. You’re not supposed to need bigger clothes until later, right? My usual pants already feel tight. I’ve also been getting cravings, pretty intense ones. If things persist like this through the next 29 weeks, those poor guys down at the taco bell are going to get really sick of seeing me. But baby gets what baby wants… I just wish baby didn’t want dirt quality burritos.

Aside from that, I’m just attending regular doctor visits. Everything looks healthy, and I hope it stays that way! Fingers crossed I can hit full term and be induced before they call me back in for a meeting…

[selflovewarrior]

hey sweeties!

a new update on the life of Soetkin:

so a couple of weeks after my last post(s) i started a treatment program of three group therapy days a week. it was at a local general hospital, so no specialised program i suppose. while my expectations weren't very high and i saw it more as a tool to not sink deeper into depression and anxiety while i waited out till it would be my turn on the waiting list for the program i actually thought would help me, i quit this program halfway though my planned time there. i felt a lot worse during therapy as it progressed than i did at home. i looked so forward to it being over because i was extremely anxious and felt like i was killing myself on the inside when i was there. home was my safe space, the total opposite of how therapy felt for me. and believe me i know that it's kind of expected that you'll feel worse for a bit during intense therapy since you start opening up and stop running away from what you feel and think. so i quite suddenly quit.

(since this post ended up becoming what resembles a whole novel, i'm going to cut in here so people who don't care don't have to scroll through it ;) anyway it's not all bad if you want to read on, it actualy quite hopeful, the start just isn't very much so.)

i had a plan to pick up some creative activities at facilities for disabled folks, which i have got a government recognition for. i found a place i could start at fairly quickly, i haven't gone very often yet, but all in all i felt such intense relief when i didn't have to go to group therapy there anymore.

i'm still overly anxious and get very (extremely) easily overwhelmed by everything in this world: sounds, proximity, weather. but i am not as deeply depressed anymore. i'm actually feeling more like my regular self in that regard.

i can start the pre-program i've been waiting for since november in two weeks (and the full program one month later) and i'm so very hopeful for the future. i'm not where i used to be yet, but i'll get there, i'll get beyond there. I've already learned more about myself these past 8-9 months, things i never really considered or took seriously. while it still feels strange to say i most probably also have adhd (i got my autism diagnosis as a kid). a lot of the stuff i also struggle with seems to always have something to do with dopamine. i also probably have DCD (i still find it out they didn't look into this when i was in residential treatment when i got my autism diagnosis, but they still mentioned me randomly walking into doorframes and stuff instead of through the doorframes). i'm learning to give myself more time regarding my DCD when doing stuff that's hard(er) for me. even stuff like taking the laundry out of the machine etc. or walking up or down stairs. i'm starting to stop caring about other people being faster. the recognition of that DCD element for myself is a huge thing towards self-acceptance. i now also realise my brand of neurodivergence comes with rejection sensitive dysphoria, which explains SO FUCKING MUCH OMG.

this bout of urgent mental health issues also came with more physical issues than i've ever experienced before. which felt odd, and mostly unexpected. i've had more visits to a physiotherapist than the rest of my life combined these past few months. i also struggled with eating, but not ED wise this time, that part of me is actually doing quite well this time, which is also unexpected but yay. i mostly didn't have the energy to lift my fork and everything tasted meh. but that part is also a lot better now, still happens sometimes, but it's far better now. (i also lost a lot of hair because of it, which is growing back now, so i have plucks of toddler hair in my face all the time, and let me tell you toddler hair is a lot more annoying than baby hairs, they're too short to go anywhere, and too long to not be an annoyance). my last post also came as i was only just healed from what could've been covid, or something similar. but the worst infection i've had since 2020 (and i have had it several times). I always got booster shots (since i worked at a hospital) and never was very inconvenienced, let alone for over a week. but my symptoms now started on new year's day (yay me) and lasted for about a month and they were unpleasant and painful. i guess i partially ought to thank the booster shots in the past for not getting that ill, but i also think i kinda blew my immune system over by not eating properly.

anyway, so here we are. my husband who's a teacher in upper secondary school has started his summer holidays, he's actually had a rather nice last month of the school year since his pupils' finals were evenly spread out for him so he didn't have to rush correcting them.

we're also in a very good place now. i'm so happy and grateful this guy is my husband, that i can call him mine, that we're us. he's also started therapy for his OCD, and while he was terrified he's doing so well, i'm really impressed (a bit scared too though that he might be taking on a bit too much at once in therapy). we're building a sturdy base for our future together (with hopefully a kid at some point sooner rather than later). He's feeling more sad about having to postpone our starting a family plans due to all of this, but we also both see this as a huge opportunity to become even better parents. and in a way we're quite lucky this all happened before i got pregnant and not during or after. not to say it can't or won't happen again, but then we'll be even more prepared to take on this challenge again than we were / are now.

anyway: i still have a long and scary road ahead of me, but i'm not at the start anymore, i've already been hiking for a bit and i'm hopeful about seeing the sun rise beautifully overhead once more.

i also really really really want to reblog stuff for this blog again, and more frequently. i am however still struggling with energy, spoons are often very depleted. i even have a very hard time editing my own pictures and it's not like i've taken many these past 10 months. i've also had people i know irl reach out to me because i'm so absent on all social media and that's very unlike me. and them asking me about it, gives me the feeling that i actually do might belong here and with those people and that people actually care and that i'm missed. and that's a bewildering but amazingly heart warming feeling, that's kind of new to me.

hope to be back sooner next time!

thank you guys so so much for sticking with me, for reblogging my old posts, for sharing positivity on this website and hopefully to people you think need it, including yourself! thank you to all new followers, you're seen! you're loved! you're appreciated!

x Soetkin

[circusmothman]

Hello, it's been a while, sadly I am writing this today to make a not so fun announcement.

As most of you are likely aware already, Automattic, thus Tumblr, is going to be partnering with AI companies, selling our art and data to be used as training for their shitty models.

While I haven't had the time to make a public stance about this topic here before, I want to clarify now that I do not condone the use of ANY of my content in AI. I have nothing but resentment for that garbage and hate how it's been slowly seeping into everything. I'd rather keep struggling through burnout forever than even once make use of this thing. Art means the world to me, and as frustrated as it can make me, this it not the way to remedy that. But I won't go into the full ins and outs about this now. The main point is none of my creation is to be made part of that. Ever.

So I have been thinking hard about this the past few days, ever since the original info was leaked that this would be happening. And I am sad to say that going forward I will not be posting new art or writing here anymore. Tumblr might have given us the option to opt-out, but already the fact that this wasn't the default setting is show enough that they cannot be trusted, and I do not wish to supply a platform with my art when they still very easily could go behind my back and sell it off to the machine. The fact they support that garbage to begin with is bad enough. Not to mention that I do not trust fucking OpenAI and Midjourney to ever even honor that setting. Yeah no.

And yes, I am aware my artwork has already been long scraped off google and what not simply because it's been posted on public profiles and crawlers have been all over that for over a year now. But in this case it's a matter of principle, the crawlers are blatant theft, they took what they were never allowed to, and Tumblr is currently putting out the message that if you keep posting here, you are basically consenting to have your creation taken away and misused. And that is not a stance I wish to humor in the slightest.

So as sad as I am about this... that's it. I don't think there is a point in deleting my already existing posts. Although I would still encourage everyone to save any of my artwork or writing you are particularly fond of, I am ok with people just downloading things to keep. Just don't reupload, monetize, or use it for AI, obviously, and don't claim as your own. Because there might still come a time I just nuke everything because of this garbage.

As for where to from now.... I don't know. Normally people plug their offsite accounts at this point. But I don't have anything worth plugging anymore. Deviantart was my old hub but the decline that's been happening there for literal years, plus several other issues, makes it so that I barely post there anymore, and I have no intention of giving it a full revival. I also have a furaffinity but I hardly post there either, but that's just because I don't quite vibe with the platform, not any issues with them directly. Tumblr really was the last place I really felt comfortable sharing the majority of my art, and now that's gone too. And while a friend has offered to get me on Pillowfort, which I might accept eventually, for now... I am just so fucking tired. I am exhausted of platforms having 0 respect for their userbase, of being driven out by one thing or another only for it to happen again in the next place.

I still have so much to say, to do, to share, so many stories yet untold, and if it wasn't for that bleeding burnout and depression I likely would have gotten far more done. But for now that's it, thank you to everyone who has supported me through the past few years and shared the passion and love for this fandom. I will still be around and the askbox is always open, but otherwise I will update you on when and if I have found a new place to setup camp.

Take care, fuck AI, and fuck shitty CEOs.

[adultswim2021]

Yappy Broads #1 | February 22, 2010 (online) | Pilot

Yappy Broads isn’t too complicated to explain. It’s a The View style women’s program with five “women”, four of which are men in drag doing very little to actually act like women. We got Larry Dorf, Tommy Blacha, Earthquake, and Dino Stamatopoulos all wearing freaking dresses and dang-ass woman wigs. Their straight woman is Shandi Finnessey, an actual former beauty queen. One could sexistly say that she is there to look hot, but that would suggest that anyone else involved had some other higher purpose for being there.

First they talk to a woman peddling a workout for your face called “Facersize”. There’s chatter about various topics of the day, and then Corey Feldman stinks it up by hawking his CD and his bad Lost Boys sequel. Have you seen it? I haven’t, but I bet it’s bad. The closing credits feature a close-up of Shandi holding a shaky bunny rabbit, which is pretty nice. 

The entire thing is ad-libbed, with a group of funny fellas all chiming in with attempts to be funny. There are moments that show promise, and they usually involve Dino being cantankerous. It seems highly edited down, yet the highlights are still sparse. The single defining moment of this show is Earthquake commenting on a nose exercise: “you know how much cocaine you could do with your nose like this? (no audience response) You be tore up! (no laughter).” To be fair to the show, I did laugh at that, but not in a nice way.

There’s something special about watching TV go off the rails. But this seems like it was designed to already be off the rails. I didn’t really enjoy this. I can’t tell if the problem is that they’ve edited it down too much or if they didn’t edit it down enough. I would love to see the unedited taping of these segments to judge for myself. Even if this were especially funny, it still seems a little wrong to air something like this on a weekly basis.

Anyway, Shandi Finnessey has only done one nude photoshoot and it was for Peta.

MAIL BAG

The Simpsons has killed off its beloved character Larry Dalrymple or "Larry The Barfly." Thoughts on this development? Memories to share? Comments? Questions? Dyns?

I actually watched some of a YouTube video about this and the commenter took issue with the story of the episode being about Larry being lonely and left-out Homer and his friend's fun adventures, because they observed that Larry seemed like he was friends with the hat guy, and that it was a horrible omission. Like the writers should just be presenting an episode that strives to not contradict the previous 800 episodes instead of doing a specific, interesting story. Seemed like a baby-brained way of complaining about the show. My baby-brained takes on cartoons are the only takes that truly matter.

Soul Quest Overdrive has the leader of the proud boys as a voice actor on the show. He was the one who spearheaded that whole January 6th insurrection thing back in 2021, the one that every news outlet was comparing to 9/11 when it was really more like the world's biggest temper-tantrum. He blamed the show being cancelled on the other VA's "Not being as funny" as him.

It's weird how I've hated that guy for as long as I've known about him, and him doing a 180 politics-wise did nothing to affect his standings. But January 6th is maybe the hardest I've ever laughed at anything, so I guess he does deserve some credit.

I don't really know WHY they changed them to sports equipment, this is pure conjecture, but maybe AS felt like having 2 food shows on at the same time was a bit too cheap/cash grabby, so they changed them to differentiate it a bit more. I know they've shot down shows related to hell and food when Development Meeting was still running since they hit that well so many times.

Yeah, that actually does sell the case for it being a creative decision. Maybe it's not sneaky at all, what they're doing.

As for "Eggball", if you look closely on the pinball machine you can see black shake as a decal on it, still on (HBO)max. They can erase a HNIC but they can never erase history.

I had read about black guy cup being on the machine, but I simply must admit that I did not notice it myself!!! Not sure what those letters mean there, but I'm going to assume that none of them are slurs and publish this immediately without looking it up.

[klonoadreams]

Quick question but have you seen the picture of Arven down at Sada’s lab? Cuz when I first found it in game I legit just sobbed because I felt so bad for Arven.. also if it isn’t spoilery, could you give ur thoughts on the Professors?

Since I have now finished the main story and it's been an entire month (i'll still tag it as spoilers), I can go all out here.

I saw it - IN FACT, when I first went into the lab where you first met Arven, I was looking around, and noticed there was a photo frame that was empty there, I was like, "HELLO????"

And later on, when I went back to the lab in Area Zero to check out everything else, I noticed the picture of Arven and Maschiff there and I just about went, "OH NOOOOOO"

LIKE, THAT'S SO FUCKING SAD.

That's all Sada (since I had Scarlet) had to keep her motivated since she was focusing so much on her work, LIKE...the way she said she needed more time, that she couldn't focus on her work and also keep an eye on Arven. Not to mention, the Koraidon she had in her possession sometime before Arven's birth. AND THEN HER HUSBAND JUST LEFT HER. LIKE....bro, what the hell. (just reverse everything in Violet so you can apply it to Turo - and it's still the same situation)

Nothing really excuses Sada/Turo from neglecting Arven, but it certainly does explain the circumstances that led to this, especially when you have the system in place to prevent the time machine from being shut down. Like, of course the AI would see more logic instead of letting emotions control them as Sada/Turo have, given their circumstances and (possible) desperation.

I truly believe it was only until after they protected the passive Koraidon/Miraidon from the aggressive one and took a mortal wound from it to realize that they made such a serious mistake. But by then, it's already too late. Nothing can be done about it, because they're dying.

So the AI is left with the aftermath, since by this point, they have their own sentience that leaves them conflicted. Again, the AI sees things more logically, and Sada/Turo's first personal experience with Koraidon/Miraidon was with one that was docile and smaller (when you compare it to the more aggressive one).

My personal headcanon at this point that is starting to ring more and more truth is that the Koraidon/Miraidon first caught was a baby, which allowed it to effectively get domesticated without any issues. Like a feral kitten having an easier time getting socialized, versus a feral adult cat.

Honestly, I just think it's tragic, because Arven is left with the entire burden of dealing with all this, without any way of getting full closure, beyond finding out that yes, his parents did in fact love them. They were absolute idiots and their parenting was terrible, but that doesn't change the fact that they loved him.

And if they had the chance, they would've gone back to him, but they can't. They're dead. He's alive - this is what he'll have to deal with the rest of his life. Things happen, I'm sure Arven is just relieved to know that he wasn't hated despite it all. But obviously, he's going to need a lot of support and therapy (like the rest of us, GOD DAMN).

Anyways, Arven deserves better, I still want to fight Sada/Turo, but I don't outright hate them. I genuinely like the angle the story went with, because you don't HAVE to be evil to do shit like that. Sometimes, things happen, and it just sucks.

But at least Arven isn't alone, and we were able to help out his Mabosstiff. And honestly, I'm good with that in the grand scheme of things (in terms of the experience I had with Scarlet).

(keep in mind Black and White is still my favorite game, and N Harmonia is my first crush, so I already know what the other end of terrible parenting and hatred looks like, and that's Ghetsis)

(I am honestly glad that despite the similarities, Arven doesn't have the exact same backstory as N)

[gynoidgearhead]

re: Internet Archive court case

So I feel the need to tell my followers about something important, but the post currently circulating about it has a ton of "how dare you", and I hate with the fury of a thousand suns the idea of passing shame on to my followers for falling for something I myself fell for.

(Using Tumblr should not feel unsafe. I don’t want this turning into Twitter.)

Here's my summary of the salient points:

The Internet Archive apparently committed actions that made them not equivalent to a legitimate library, including with regard to books. They were doing the digital equivalent of photocopying books and setting the copies on the shelves. In the most sophisticated iterations of this scheme, they were (figuratively) photocopying other libraries' books, passing them off as the originals, and lending them out.

The Internet Archive did library crimes, and that opened them up to being sued.

This might come as a shock to you if you, like me, hadn't tried borrowing a book from them since before they (apparently) stopped tracking copies altogether and got told "hey, all of the copies are lent out" and you went "oh, okay, that makes sense because library".

The way digital lending is currently handled is apparently pretty broken, such that even the legitimate-sounding version of this scheme (1 physical copy = 1 patron lending a digital copy) might not be viable (???); but that’s an entirely separate consideration from whether or not IA should be allowed to maintain the scheme that more obviously violates copyright.

You can take issue with the way the major publishers operate (in fact, please do), but book piracy hurts authors first and foremost. If books don't sell, authors don't get paid at all (i.e. maybe can't even pay for food) and definitely don't get paid to write sequels.

(Though I'm not really sure this logic should apply to books that are entirely out of circulation? Like, if a book is out of print, the publishing industry itself has decided that an author already cannot make any more money off of that book. It's not like they track every time a used copy of the book is bought and sold. This is another place where I felt bad about the idea of reblogging the original post uncritically.)

Personally, I wish the Internet Archive would focus most on the one truly unique and irreplaceable aspect of their institution -- the Wayback Machine. If that goes under, there isn't another like it waiting in the wings, and very likely the only copy of immeasurable amounts of information is lost forever.

[conchelle]

Okay it's time to talk about my thoughts on Dekapari (bootleg machine translation edition)

I'm gonna be honest I'm not quite sure where to even start with this one. But it is certainly the something of all time

So to start things off. I do genuinely enjoy this game. It still has some of the classic Towelket jank, but as always it's nothing game breaking. The music choices are great. The first scene in particular really does a great job at setting the tone.

In general the game just looks good. This game has brand new sprites for almost about everything. If you're familiar with the Towelket series you'll know the creator often likes to recycle their own sprites which isn't a bad thing at all. But it's definitely a breath of fresh air to see brand new sprites for just about everything this time around.

The characters all have unique sprites as well. I like the detailed shading and they're all pretty cute and nice to look at.

This game definitely feels a bit like a return to form for the Towelket series. It definitely does feel like ever since Nekoashi Otome the games have gotten more fantastical and wacky with its setting. Not to say the other games weren't extremely silly was well but they definitely took place in a world that was meant to more or less meant to reflect our own until the whole plot that changes that sense of normalcy happens.

Not to mention this game features some of the more classic and iconic Towelkets as important characters like Conchelle, Lasagna, Moochasu and Paripariume. PPU being what the game is named after and having probably her biggest role since Towelket 2. Yeah she's appeared in a lot of other games, but it's almost been a running gag that she inevitably fades into the background.

This game's Lasagna is definitely one of my most favorite Towelket characters of all time. Like, she is such a genuinely fun character to have around and easily steals every scene she's apart of.

The writing for this game is pretty engaging for what it is. It definitely follows some of the classic Towelket story beats like the whole midpoint where they gotta go to the TV station for whatever reason but it's all done in a way where it doesn't feel painfully repetitive.

Part 2 of this game kiiiiind of loses focus of the plot- just a little bit but it's all entertaining regardless. It has probably some of the funniest and most charming parts of the game which is fun. Part 3 gets us right back on track to the main conflict which is perfect and gives the story plenty time to progress before the big finale.

If you've played any other Towelket game you would definitely be aware of how the story has a habit of kind of swerving off the road with its story progression and by the time it gets back to the main plot there game kind of just...ends. Thankfully! This game didn't have that problem at all.

However I do have a few issues with the story. There's a certain plot point in part 1 that's brought up and it's just never properly developed despite being built up as something important.

I was a bit confused on why it was even included in the first place if the creator decided they were ultimately going to do nothing with it and after digging in the files a bit and reading back on some of the development logs...yeaaah it's pretty much a scrapped plot point that was left in anyway.

For some context, this game was released in three parts. So of course, once something was written in and released the creator couldn't really go back and change it. The issue lies in just the fact that according to the creator themselves, they did end up changing where they wanted the story to go half-way while they were working on part 3.

admittedly, the story never felt like it took a sharp turn from what was already being built up and its overall themes. Everything felt pretty consistent except the inclusion of that particular plot point that was clearly meant to be something pretty significant to the story- so much so that I went back and tried to see if I just missed an alternate ending or something. But unfortunately that really didn't seem to be the case.

It's such a shame too since it does just feel like a big hole in the story that's left unsolved. My only hope is maybe we get some kind of write up or even update that expands on this...? Not likely but who knows, the Towelket creator is kind of unpredictable.

Another criticism is that even after 14 years the battles are still just kind of lackluster. In past games there has been some experimentation and some interesting ideas that could have been really been fun if executed properly but it seems that at this point battles are just one of those things the creator isn't all too enthusiastic about experimenting with. It's a shame but eh, what can you do?

Despite those issues I did still overall really enjoy this game. I hope it gets a proper translation someday though it's pretty far off on the list of games that need to be translated.

I'm not gonna put this game on my Towelket rating for now since I feel it's pretty unfair to put it against the games that came out a whole decade ago

My only hope for the future is that we get more Lasagna like this one. She's a very good Lasagna