#I got stuck into a conversation with her
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fun fact, during my first fully blind playthrought of bg3 I honestly thought gale was the writers' favourite if nothing else because of how much varied dialogue he had. like I never reallly had a conversation with astarion that wasn't about his trauma, his vampirism or how boring I am for not wanting to take over a cult but I knew all of gale's hobbies, two or three childhood's anecdotes and the whole history of tara, who he was making plans to introduce to me later.
#like i was honestly feeling sorry that astarion wasn't allowed even a single conversation about idk the fucking weather#i think because subconscously I was also comparing it to da2 which was careful to try to give characters more than just their trauma so#so I was like poor astarion he's just the trauma character#and then i found out HE was god's specialest princess#despite the fact that the official specialest princess still got conversatons about things that aren't her trauma DESPITE HAVING AMNESIA#bg3#i don't even know where I am going about this it's just something that really stuck out to me about the writing#anyway thank god larian immediately set me straight and let me know my beloved wizard is actually the writers punching bag#god forbid I break my strike of not being wild over the more popular character in an rpg I guess#oh and they let me know i was supposed to be annoyed rather than going oh man I am glad I am learning so much about gale#like I understood why lae'zel had less content and expected her to have more in act 3 which she didn't but whatever#she should have#i mean now having played with everyone in the party for the whole game they all need more content but still#like astarion has more content than anyone else but also somehow I know less about him than anyone and like why
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argh. This comic writing is taking me way longer than usual. I keep editing things and it doesn’t feel right.
#wip#i think I finally got it#The issue is usually plots come to me formed yk#But for this one#I did have a plot but it was more related to Chil having a v bad experience and Mei hearing about it and then him telling her#Not to go thru with her plans to become involved with adventures in a sort of threatening way#So I had that all sketched out and then randomly I decided I wanted more drama#so initially I extended it and had it be that maybe she tried to hug him or something but he reacted Badly bc of his aforementioned shit#But I didn’t like that and it felt jarring and sort of…over dramatic. Too much.#So then I got rid of that. And then I was like well maybe he and Mei should actually have a conversation about it#Like he brings it up#So I wrote that and I had him get really mad at her and let that sit around for a minute bc uh-oh there’s another problem#Seee the issue with doimg multiple rewrites of something is suddenly the part that was initially meant to be the focus. Is not important#Anymore and is actually distracting from the main point#So OK I delete all that and rewrite that to make it less distracting#Still keep the important buildup in that scene but focus on Mei more bc this is a comic that’s from her pov#Ok ok yeah. I like that. But THEN#UH OH NEW PROBLEM. ! Remember that He gets really mad scene? The one I let sit to go worry about the middle section#Well. Haha. I read the whole comic back again to check for flow and shit#Get to the end#WOW ITS OUT OF CHARACTER AND JARRING. He’s not mean or anything I just don’t think he’d yell in that sort of emotional way?#I got so lost in the sauce I forgot to write good#So now I’m stuck. It’s so out of character so obviously I get rid of that problem.#Change it so he does still yell but less and also differently. and also now Mei gets to be pissed tf off#and tied it into several previous comics since I like things to be connected to each other#I think?? I think I’m happy with it now…but Jesus Christ#I don’t usually have to do Any rewrites#And the number of other comics I want to do is piling up so I take breaks to sketch those out for later#Then return. To my undoing.
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i really need to finish this one day
#one of my fave ideas but i keep getting stuck or starting over. third time's the charm hopefully#anyways. posting it as an excuse to rant because i'm losing my mind over this rn for no reason#incoherent but i just need to Talk or my brain won't shut up#you ever think about how fucked up it is that aoi feels guilty over what happened. i do. i think about her a lot#he can't even look at me. we aren't even blood related but he still had to go to jail because of me. i still love him#in reality none of it is her fault. it shouldn't be about doumeki in the first place. baby girl you were 15 when it happened.#you can say that yashiro is cruel in his dismissiveness (on the surface) of doumeki's trauma but you can see where he's coming from#you got a glimpse of what your sister was going through? of what i went through? and now you're sooo guilty over it? and who does it help?#doumeki's so focused on his own feelings that he ignored aoi when they were living together. “saves” her by pure chance#proceeds to focus on his guilt and ignore her again. if yashiro didn't get involved she'd be sitting in the rain for god knows how long#yet she still loves and to some degree idolizes him#yashiro and aoi both saying that doumeki isn't the type of person to be a yakuza too. doumeki's good doumeki's better than that#and then ch 24 happens. where yashiro says that he's going to throw up and doumeki's response is “i probably won't stop even if you do”#“guess i am like my father after all” and yashiro still goes “you're not. you're pure and im the problem”#(touches doumeki's face. rare gentle gesture. he's gentle afterwards too before leaving. man.)#he's not cruel enough to repeat what he said in the earlier conversation and he doesn't actually believe it anyway#but i wish yashiro was cruel there. it shouldn't have been about doumeki and his feelings. again.#something about yashiro throwing a knife at another person and it flying back at him huh#for all the talk about how doumeki supposedly romanticizes yashiro it really is the other way around. always has been#which is a whole other conversation but yeah. everything about aoi and yashiro in relation to doumeki makes me so fucking sad#but this is also what i mean when i say that aoi doesn't haunt the narrative per se but still has this weird presence?#she's in the parallels. she's in the brief but important mentions. she's in the “your sister was lucky she had you”.#wips tag
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felt anxious about starting my job in september but I just had to remind myself that absolutely nothing could be worse than the job I had at that bookstore 🙏
#left me alone after I'd only been there for 1 hour and hadn't learned anything yet#had to answer lots of phone calls#everyone coming in there wanted to have a long conversation and not just buy books#having to do maths to figure out how much change to give the consumers#on my first day where I was completely alone the key got stuck and I couldn't open the fucking door when I was supposed to open#and struggled with the door for a full 15 minutes. luckily no costumers were there yet but I was ready to die.#etc etc#and I was only there for a few weeks lol#OH AND ofc the classic. me asking my boss when I can/should work again and her just never responding :) so I haven't worked since#I still have the key to that place...#doddie redet
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I’m always writing these damn breakup texts at 4 in the morning
#I didn’t realize how pissed I was until I was like hmmm it’s probably not normal to fantasize about your ‘friend’s’ apartment burning down#love her but I hate her but I love her etc etc#I hope something fucking horrible happens to her she deserves it#and yet I want nothing but the best for her#god I hate toxic friendships#anyways she has not initiated a conversation like literally all year#I think I’m well within my rights to block her#I’m just mad I didn’t do it sooner#lea talks#you have one unhealthy friendship in highschool and it sets you up to be fucked forevermore#every time I think I find someone who’s going to be a real friend#they do something terrible#I actually can’t believe she knows how bad I hate being ghosted due to the aforementioned high school friendship#AND THEN SHE DID IT ANYWAYS#why do I get stuck with the worst fucking communicators#girl TELL ME WHAT I DID TO PISS YOU OFF#i really did think we were close and then she just cut me out of her life and I don’t even know why#like even some of our last conversations#god#I don’t even know#vent post#urghhhh#lmao on the off off off chance she sees my blog#fuck you#if you didn’t want to be friends you could’ve at least said goodbye#I can’t believe I got a shit grade on my chem exam because I was comforting you through your stupid breakup
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-gives zombie!mukuro chronic pain-
#musings#bandit writes fic#dr haruhi crossover#look she died#and then got forcibly brought back#she doesn't eat#she doesn't sleep#she doesn't need any of that anymore#and her body was in a state of decomposing before haruhi brought her back#she /died/#and it could have been longer than a few minutes#haruhi could have said 'hey it'd be cool if she was fighting mole people'#and then the mole people could have killed everyone#and then it could be an entire other conversation where junko's like 'i think she's dead' and haruhi just 'nah she's /fine/'#and then suddenly mukuro's /alive/ again#just like#mukuro is stuck in a state of being alive with a body that knows it's supposed to be dead#and is being forced to keep going and keep moving#/of course it hurts/#that said i'm not going to say it's any specific illness because it's not i wouldn't think#she's more undead than she is zombie#or living dead#which i guess zombie covers#but like - it's not a real state of being right?#but yeah mukuro with chronic pain in this situation makes sense
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Like you can’t even be safe talking shit about tsw*ft amongst a bunch of boomers at work anymore because the most annoying one will interject to share that they love her
#like I did not ask#we were takin about my coworker who went on vacation in Lisbon and bc of ts being in town she got stuck with a bed bug infested air bnb and#then an insanely priced construction zone listed as an air bnb#and had no other choice bc there were no rooms avl#and being the only young person here I was like ugh I already don’t like her and…#and then my boss interrupts to say that she really loves her and just recently got into her music#like girl who tf asked????#literally no one fucking cares were talking about bed bugs and terrible air bnbs rn you are not the center of this conversation#typical fucking s*ift*e#original post
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ykw actually I am angry + disappointed w them. I've been pushing how I feel aside and trying to make it my own fault so it's all contained but I think theyve just been mean. and they really should know me better ik I try to pretend I don't expect more from them so I feel less hurt when they do things that upset me but we've been friends for years by this point. like come on.
#just got home and went to put my shit away but my flatmate was in the kitchen and i got suddenly so mad i had to walk back out#not going to do or say anything while im this upset. i need to be a lot calmer before i can even be in the same room as her#like okay. so originally it was just the two of them getting drinks and theyd rather it was just them bc i dont drink. thats cool#it wouldve been difficult for me to join them after work bc travel. and ik theyd done this before just the 2 of them and had fun#i can fully respect that its why i said no and stuck by that decision when she asked again#but to not mention she was taking the day off work and btw i just found out that BOTH of our other old flatmates joined in too#to not mention that they were travelling that entire distance and that it wasnt just drinks it was a whole day out together#thats just mean. why wouldnt you tell me that why did none of them say anything.#and the fact they did the exact same fucking thing last weekend too i didnt know about that at all#like i need to stop trying to justify it. im allowed to feel unwanted and excluded bc thats exactly what theyre doing.#im tired of feeling like other people dont want me around. i know i can be difficult and annoying sometimes. but im really not that bad#and we're meant to be friends!!!!!! like youre supposed to like your friends. and want to spend time with them. or at least i do#and yeah everyones annoying sometimes thats just part of being alive ur supposed to tolerate it if ur friends#im allowed to want to feel like im wanted. im allowed to want ppl to care abt me. that shouldnt be too much to ask for#but the overwhelming message im getting at the moment is they dont want me around. and when i am around them i feel like they dont listen#to me and that they dont really care how i feel unless it directly involves them or theyre responsible for it#i feel like they dont see me as a real person that exists. only a version they have in their heads and they base all their assumptions and#decisions off that version instead of directly communicating with me. and constantly avoid me under the guise of 'giving me space'#when im upset or having a difficult time and most need support from other people. i just feel really unseen#and ik that part of how i feel IS exacerbated by insecurity and depression. like they do care to some degree#but also a lot of it is evidenced in the way they act towards me. mainly my roommate bc shes the person i interact with most#and personally i find the most direct ways of showing u care abt someone are showing up for them. and making them feel seen#and maybe not everyone feels the same way. but thats how it works for me anyway#so to repeatedly exclude me and avoid acknowledging that ive been having a difficult time is the opposite of that to me#which is the point im trying to arrive at... sorry ik ive probably said similar things repeatedly the last few weeks but i feel like its#crystallising a bit like this is the core reason why im so sensitive and reactive atm and why i got so upset by it#idk. not tonight bc im still very emotionally raw but maybe tomorrow if im calmer i should explain that i was upset + why to her#i avoid doing that so often when im upset bc i dont think theres much point in having a conversation abt it unless u expect some kind of#resolution from it. or if you want an apology but idrc abt being apologised to the crucial thing is what theyre going to do different#and i love her but shes very resistant to changing her behaviour bc of other ppl being upset by it. and like i said before she has
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I had yet another long, strenuous day yesterday and didn't finish work until super late and then I couldn't fall asleep until well past 2am cuz I was in so much pain from standing literally all day
#what made it worse was the client I spent most of my day with was a brand new client. and she booked super last minute#so I wasnt mentally prepared for doing a 5 hour color. and her natural hair was already pretty light so I had to foil foil foil. go back.#pull out first couple foils. foil foil foil. go back. pull out the next few.#over and over and over.#and her hair was so fucking long. and so fucking thick.#and after the first hour she wouldn't talk. like I like my silence so I don't fight it much#but every now and then I would try to engage with her. I'd say something and she would straight up ignore me. no acknowledgment.#which makes me feel anxious cuz it's like jesus... does she hate me?? did I piss her off somehow?#even when I finished her hair (it looked fucking amazing no lie. one of my best highlights yet.) she had next to no reaction to it#she was like 'it looks fine. I mean good. it's good.' completely deadpan#I laughed it off and was like yeah it's been a long day girl! but it looks amazinggg on you!!#no response. deep inhale. alright.#whatever tho.#when I did finally get off work I stopped @ bojangles cuz I was lightheaded and hadn't eaten since morning#and when I tell you I almost broke down into tears cuz there were so many people crowding the goddamn pickup area.#and so many bizarre conversations going on. genuinely felt like I was in some form of hell#like my feet hurt. my back hurts. I'm tired. I didn't get the validation I like to have over a 5 hour transformative color.#I'm hungry and there are two elderly women blocking the pickup counter. one is hard of hearing so she keeps yelling HUH???#and the other only speaks in soft baby whispers. that goes as well as you can imagine.#there's a man behind me grilling an employee abt whether or not he goes to church. he starts witnessing to him#and the employee says 'I've never thought about it like that before' no less than 4 times.#there's a child in front of me playing tiktoks @ full volume. and this is all happening simultaneously.#I really considered just leaving without my food but I knew I needed to eat and didnt have anything at home so I stuck it out#was it worth it? no. bojangles honestly sucks these days but what's a girl gonna do.#got home and tried to pass out but nope. tossed and turned all night.#put on hot n cold patches to try to soothe the pain a little. didn't work cuz one pain would be eased a bit and another pain would take over#blahhhhhh#and now. I get to do it all over again! yippeeeeeee!!!!!!!!
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hmm. had an actual conversation with nightmare coworker today that seemed mutually productive. she apologized for saying some bullshit that hurt my feelings and i clarified that my intentions are to help not to undermine her, and we both agreed that there's no competition against each other and that it's the lack of growth in our role that's the problem. it was...productive.
and further cementing for me that it is time to begin making my Exit. i will be sending out my resume to a few places this weekend.
i'm still processing the conversation, and am struggling to place myself in where i am responsible to better my behavior. because i genuinely don't want to be an ass, even though i really don't like this lady and will jump for joy the day i never have to see her again. she stated that she knows my intentions aren't to hurt her, and that she thinks i'm very kind. i apologized for if my behavior came off as undermining her, and said that my intentions are only to better my own growth—and that i know she's trying to succeed too. i validated her feelings, and complemented the effort she is putting in.
where i'm struggling with is: am i in the wrong/causing harm and needing to change if the issue is that her feelings are incongruent with what she knows of my intentions? her feelings are her responsibility (WOW i almost typed "her feelings are my responsibility". i feel like that's a freudian slip) and she states that she knows i don't mean to hurt her. i'm going to try to be more clear in wording my intentions with her (she feels like me trying to take work off her plate is to undermine her. when really, i'm caught up and see her getting overwhelmed, and i want to help and also have something to do since i'm bored).
but i'm really struggling to look at my role in this and pass judgement on myself. i can and want to do better, and i don't think i did anything wrong, but i'm always so hesitant to say it's not my fault or i didn't do something bad. like i can't trust my judgement on that. my intentions were good, her bad feelings are ones caused by her insecurities, which she more or less has expressed to be aware that they are not true—the hurtful thing she said to me, she acknowledged was said out of hurt and not what she actually thinks. so, is it fair to say i'm not the bad guy? i'm not in the wrong? i know good intentions that still result in harm don't absolve anyone, but when the things that are clashing are insufficient communication and reactive insecurities... i'm not a monster, am i?
#well. i AM probably a monster for how much i dislike this lady#but i don't ACT on it#and i genuinely couldn't care less about her. i participate in decent human pleasantries because i am a decent human.#and at work we're stuck together#the thing that's irked me so much about this conversation is just.. her self centeredness#that she thinks everyone is out to get her. to undermine her. whatever.#bitch nobody cares about you enough one way or the other to put in that kind of effort. i sure don't#i empathize but i do not sympathize. to feel that pit that makes you feel like the worst kind of center of attention#i get it. but genuinely you are not the main character and no one is going to spend their limited time and energy to slowly attack you#you are not the cat with all the knives pointed at it#it's a terrible feeling to feel like you are! but when it influences your behavior to the point that you are making snide comments#to people who have no option not to interact with you then uh. then you're in the wrong buddy#and the people around you (who cannot easily leave! bc work!) should not have to bend over backwards to assure you#that they're not pointing knives at you. to protect themselves from your feelings making you say mean shit#like yes. i can be more clear with my intentions. i'm generally not the greatest at that. but my baseline that i want to#modify my behavior from is NOT one that a regular well adjusted person would take as anything but kind#and if a regular well adjusted person got a little offput by me volunteering to take work off their hands we would've had a very chill#3 sentence conversation about it MONTHS AGO.#i understand and respect (even if i find it annoying and overbearing) the need for me to announce my intentions like im working in a kitchen#and saying 'hot water' or 'knife' as i move around other people but we shouldn't have reached this conclusion this way#and frankly who's to fucking say me being more clear with my intentions will only feed the flames of her thinking i'm out to get her!#'i caught up on my stuff and your plate looks full. i'm bored. anything i can do to help?' could be a pointed knife for all i know!!#and if it is- and my actions still hurt her in that scenario- am i still responsible for the hurt caused??#like WHERE DOES IT FUCKING E N D ?#personal#*exhales* okay i feel better now#i just hate talking about my interactions with her bc i just want NOTHING to do with it. i want her out of my head!!#but until i process it i can't let go#and i'm still going to have to go over all of this with my shrink tomorrow#it just makes me mad how much of my time this bitch takes up. i'm not getting paid to think about work right now!!!!
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captains! with a little bonus Casual:
#updated design for val. ive drawn him before but am no longer satisfied with it#and listen i know its sacrilege to not give valentine the heart shaped tiddy window. and trust me i am allured by it.#but if i could get pretentious about character design for a sec i dont think its all that in character for him if im honest#smthn that always stuck with me wrt val and quad is ryan saying 'val is like a rollercoaster. quad is like skydiving.'#val is a dedicated and professional showman. all about the buildup and mystique amid the exciting ups and downs#so i simply think he'd leave a little more to the imagination. hence a formfitting but not exposing costume#and a nice comfy turtleneck in his downtime <3#i think about val a good bit and i like him a lot but i feel like sometimes people have a very different read of him vibes-wise than i do#val is a showman through and through but i think he's kind of awkward outside the routine and distant spectacle of it.#when people catch him off guard in intros it shows and just listen to him stammer his way through that serious talk with heartbreak#he's percieved publically as The Perfect Man to some extent- order says so#and between barry and kakyoin i dont think thats a matter of her personal taste.#and he does want a significant other but when you're thought of as the perfect man only people with obnoxious egos think they deserve you#and to circle back to the conversation with heartbreak.#theres sometimes a compulsion to compare val and crimson to quad and order for Red Trauma reasons but#i think its interesting that one of the only times Val's ever talked about his experience with crimson he compared him to cupid.#especially since. like cupid. Crimson expressed similar obliviousness to what he'd done wrong in cpuk orange#seemingly genuinely not understanding why Valentine refused to be around him#anyhow. i also think Quad's helmet was attached and didnt come off until J0hn got to fiddle with him#for the Symbolism of revealing the face = him gaining access to all of his feelings he wasnt allowed <3#cpu kerfuffle
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Galadriel: See that?
Finrod: What, the snow?
Galadriel : Beyond that
Finrod: More snow?
Galadriel : Stop looking at the snow.
#Besides being really traumatic I’d say people probably got pretty bored on the Helcaraxe after walking awhile#I would not blame Galadriel for immediately moving away from her siblings after all that time stuck with them#The conversation would have sucked#silmarillion#incorrect quotes#galadriel#finrod
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...
#focus who? i dont kno her#its so bad. i csnt focus at all. and ive got way too much to do. take me back to last week where i spent hours reading papers#annoying. also possibly lack of sleep cstching up with me#do u ever get very little sleep and not miss it at all? yea bitch all the time. then i get depressed and its sleepy time#and by sleepy time i mean i get like 8hrs of sleep lol#maybe ill just do nothing and completely fuck over my sunday lol#maybe i should go run up thr mountain rn before im stuck in a car for 2 hrs#bc im getting spikes of being insane. unfortunately i have no emotional object permanence so when i feel crazy its like#ive always felt like this ans its terrible forever. and then immediately afterward im like lol wot? nah im fine. ive always been fine#shout out to mood swings ✌️ like bro im trying to get materials together so i can teach a class. can u shut the fuck up? and focus?#well see how i do today with a ton of socializing. itll b fine. im normal i can b normal#or i can b endearing quirky. or whatever i usually i am. i dont think i have conversations like a normal person but i cant tell bc im not#there for conversations im not in. whatever everyone else has conversations in a way thats boring. i just wanna grill ppl til i understand#how they work. and then feel like im gonna die if im in a group conversation 🙃 let me study thr ppl around me#bc im very normal. god. i promise irl im not that weird. ppl think im nice and cool and successful#ok maybe not cool. but i think i can get away with being interesting. i got at least a lil charisma. im only a bit horribly awkward ;-]#but i try to own it. wtf was i saying. jesus. i cant with my brain rn. i shoulf have gone for a run this morning#being social just makes me anxious so im babbling i guess. but itll b fun. and itll b pretty im sure#maybe ill try to draw my ocs while im not paying attention. ive neglected them for so long 😭#unrelated
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Lizzie Saltzman
#lizziesaltzmanedit#legaciesedit#legacies#lizzie saltzman#legacies edit#tvdverse#She deserved to get a real apology for Hope and have a real deep conversation about it and also acknowledge everything she went through.#She died! She died and all we really got was her saying she hadn't wrapped her head about being immortal in like one line and that was all.#And she yelled that hope killed her in their argument but it's like. She died in a terrible way and was betrayed by someone she thought#she could trust! And she died! That deserves more acknowledgement! Plus I'm glad she likes being a vampire I really am but like. She's#always had issues with her mental health and controlling her emotions/reactions and we don't get anything? Like vamps emotions are supposed#to be hightened and we don't see her struggle with that almost at all. And we don't see any blood lust issues or issues with control#regarding feeding for her or for hope and it's just. We SHOULD'VE. Even Caroline had a few episodes where she was struggling with her#feelings and the blood lust. But whatever.#god she was Murdered by someone she loved. two actually bc josie killed her in s2. and on that note like shes just been through so much.#like she got stuck with a sister who was beyond ableist and blamed her for her own mental illness and breakdowns.#like 'she did this to herself' 'she can choose to take her medication' fuck OFF. and josie readinglizzies personal diary to the other#witches and then defending reading it by saying it was to help her??? as if thats not still fucked up. she literally told landon that#lizzie self harmed like what the actual fuck. in the au world shr blamed lizzie for alarics alcoholism and caroline not being around.#lizzie constantly got put down by her own sister and treated like she was broken and told she was suffocating for literally being mentally#ill. it'll never not be so ridiculous to me that Josie straight up acted like lizzies mental illness was a bigger problem and harder to#deal with for her than for lizzie. like??? she literally told lizzie rhat she never changes as if lizzies not the most developed character#in the show and isnt constantly trying to improve and working on herself. like. imagine being called suffocating and told that you take up#all the air in the room just bc you have a mental illness you literally cannot control. penelope and josie fuck all the way off like.#i could go on forever but lizzie deserved to call Josie out and be mad about it all. hope should've gotten to go off on her too. tbfh#hope and mg lizzie defense squad forever. (also. josie saying mg (who has adhd) 'has the impulse control of a preschooler'. like shut UP.#character#my moodboards#luca's stuff#moodboard tag
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idk. the overwhelming feeling i cld count the people that'd give a shit if we did on one hand.
#lane hunter irl#i'd assume khi at least for nur. and idk if the news ever got to her maybe ren. i'd hope she'd care at least.#but. we alr know how fast she changes. ready to discard her 'best friend' the moment she gets a new person to fixate on#ugh#i feel bad#two suicide scares in one relationship#... do i exist to anyone else#i don't think. anyone else thinks of us outside when they see us#and yeah ik quality over quantity but i wish people would! care. i guess.#stuck between i wish people would care a bit more and i don't want to needlessly worry anyone#...#idk. maybe i use people as an escape bc i can just. be happy around them. bc i always am. and no one will think anything of it#because that's weird to assume the person that's always smiling and laughing and making easy conversation is suicidal !!!!!#it's not impossible but just. not something you'd assume#if you barely know the person#i think my relatives that i've never met would be more devastated than my parents actually lmao#my relatives that i'm probably going to be meeting !! next summer#//#the fact is that no one would know about the rest of us#no one would know that with ash#7 other people would follow#some willingly some not some indifferent#no one will mourn us#which hurts less if you dont have a social circle outside of the system. but unfortunately i do#stings a bit#🦴 > rex speaking !!
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Haha!!! Hahah!!!! This fucking blows. Hello teacher sorry I missed the extension date. It will be later haha. Haha. It’s like a roller coaster over here. Haha. Surprisingly can’t focus on school work when ur trying block out screaming with ur headphones.
#I was able to help calm her down for a bit but then after like 20 minutes maybe longer#she went on about thinking my dad was trying to kill her and I said I’m sorry that must be scary and she was sick of hearing that. and got#mad at me I tried to say I would protect her and keep her safe and she laughed and said no I can’t or wouldn’t earlier so that’s why I kept#saying sorry#I feel like I get so much conflicting advice online#it’s like ok don’t fed into the delusions don’t argue with them about them either#ok I can do that#active listening and repeating back and saying you hear them and that it sounds scary or upsetting#but also your supposed to ignore accusations towards you#idk I thought that meant my#dad should step back and then I could?? be like wow that’s scary I’ll try to help#but that didn’t work??#maybe just straight up ignoring it better? should have stuck to trying shift the conversation but then she feels like we can’t hear her and#she starts screaming#but idk bc the comforting stuff worked super good for like 30 minutes and then she was calmed and sat down for a good bit.#idk. just. uhh#I guess I can only keep googling#and hope we can get a persecution for a liquid version of her medicine bc lexapro withdraw is I think what’s making all of this get so bad#but she won’t eat anything and doesn’t want to take pills#¯\_(ツ)_/¯#personal
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