#I guess I like my dietician too she’s nice

[iwatcheditbegin]

I really wanna leave treatment again. I’m not getting anywhere. The fact that I have no outside support, no safety plan or irl friends is the only thing keeping me here.

[theretirementstory]

26/05/2024. Oh my goodness, I am inside my own four walls, waking in my own bed and relaxing in my own chair and it is just wonderful! Okay, so I only got home on Wednesday evening and have to visit the hospitals in Paris and Troyes over the next few months but who gives a fig, I will say it once again, I AM HOME 😁.

The beautiful card, pictured, was made for me by a friend in the UK, she had hoped it would arrive before I went into hospital, however it was a wonderful surprise to receive it when I returned.

My garden, which I had been longing to see, is still waiting for the gardener to arrive with his mower. He now assures me it will be Monday or Tuesday, it really needs to be otherwise I may need a goat to clear “the pasture”.

The irises are all dead now, I did a little dead heading yesterday. There was a weed (it wasn’t there before I left) which, if left, could have grown into a tree. However the root system was not deep and I removed that very easily. I noticed that one of the hellebores was flowering and am praying that when the gardener does arrive that he doesn’t mow over the top of it too. The œillets (pinks/carnations) are starting to flower and I really would like to try and reclaim my borders which are full of weeds and grass. The cherry tree has the most cherries on that I have ever seen, my neighbour tells me they are not ripe yet, I think by the time they are the birds will have eaten the majority. Noticed a blackbird in the tree gorging itself on them. I need to take things slowly and so I will need to, eventually, do a little bit at a time.

My peonies have not flowered again this year (well they are only young). On Thursday I took a telephone call which was from one of the florists in town. She said she had a delivery for me 🤔 I thought, who would be sending me flowers? The bouquet arrived, six beautiful pinky/white peonies oh my goodness who had sent them? I read the card that was with them and promptly burst into tears. The bouquet was from “The Trainee Solicitor” and “The Reconnect Navigator”. What a wonderful surprise 🥲.

Anie had been shopping for me on Wednesday and kindly brought the shopping down around 8pm. She also brought me a bunch of œillet from her garden. She hugged me (we both had masks on so I guess that was alright). Monique had volunteered her help, I just have to ask. Lots of people want to come and see me but until I get a programme of where I am and when, it’s a little difficult to organise. Well it is early days too I suppose.

The dietician had a laminated sheet on the back of the door in my room, it showed things that I was allowed to eat, on there were Mars bar, Twix and Kitkat. I have dreamt of Mars bars and Kitkats, still not had one but think I may treat myself next week.

Yesterday was the BBQ for the association, of which my knitting group is part. I received a photo and was totally surprised to see that numbers have dwindled so much that everyone attending seemed to be just around one table. it looked as if there were only 14 people in total. it really is quite sad as before Covid the groups seemed to have such a large number of members.

It was a full five days work last week for “The Trainee Solicitor” and “The Reconnect Navigator” so this long weekend (Bank Holiday Monday) is going to be a nice break again. There were plans afoot to sort out the garden hedge etc but not sure if that got started yesterday although grass seed (?) had been purchased so it may have found it’s way from the box to the ground by now 😉. “The Reconnect Navigator” had been and had her nails “done” and very nice they looked too.

“The Photographer” has been to London for a few days. He went to meet up with a guy he had worked with. He had a good time but didn’t appear to do as much as had been mooted. He visited his Aunt and Uncle too which was another nice visitor for them. He has got a few irons in the fire with his photography so that is interesting. His children are away on holiday with their Mum and Grandad who is visiting from Vancouver!

“The Jetsetter” back from her adventures in Vancouver, has been back at work. It won’t be for much longer though as another holiday is beckoning.

Onto the music slot this week, I am reminiscing over holidays long gone but memories are wonderful things. Numerous visits to Sousse in Tunisia, nights spent in “La Grotte” disco, taking over the dance floor to tracks like “I Surrender” by Rainbow, released in 1981 or the song I loved so much from 1976, “If You Leave Me Now” by Chicago.

It’s Fetes des Meres here today (as it is in a number of countries) so I am happy with my Mother’s Day present of the beautiful peonies. Well they were really to wish me well on the road to recovery but have been given a dual purpose now.

Bon Dimanche

[teawiththegods]

Okay I just submitted numbers for the ask thing but I had another ask/question based on a different ask you answered. Hope you don’t mind. 🙈

You mentioned working with Demeter to help with some food related things you have going on in your life. Does she usually help with that kind of thing?

Because I’ve been having some major autism sensory food related issues that are heavily affecting my life and quality of living. I’m trying to work on it, and I’ve officially added a dietician to my doctor lineup. But maybe I could try working with Demeter too?

And now that I think about it, when I first started really praying to the gods (this was recently - I’ve been on the outskirts of Hellenism but didn’t really dive in until the last few months) and thanking them for any help they offer me, I was kind of just thanking the gods I was pretty sure were around me and then also Zeus because I felt like he deserved the respect as king of the gods. And I was just in general thanking them, and then all of a sudden my mind went “thank Demeter.” And I did, but I had no idea why it popped into my head but never really thought any further on it.

But I never made the connection between her and food, though I really should have. So now I’m wondering if that was maybe a small nudge for me. And now this - seeing you mention working with her about food.

Idk. I don’t know much about her, but if she helps with food related issues I think maybe I should look into her.

Idek where I’m going with this. I guess just confirming she works with food related issues and any advice? Lol

Sorry for the long ask… 🙈🙈🙈

Hello again, love!

Yes! Demeter can absolutely help with anything and everything within the realm of food! Honestly I really recommend reaching out to her because she's amazing! What's also nice about Demeter is that shes a total mom so her energy is very warm, supportive, encouraging, and comforting. Like she really just gives you the space and confidence to work towards even the most difficult of goals.

For example, I've always had this very complicated relationship with cooking. I hate it but I also actually kind of love it. But I mainly leaned towards the "I hate it" and would find any and every excuse not to cook. The moment Demeter showed up in my life I began switching from "I hate it" to "I actually love it" and it really was mostly because of her energy. And not in a forceful, pushy, guilt trippy way. Her energy just provided me with the support I needed.

If you do decided to reach out to Demeter I'd love to hear about it if you're comfortable sharing! Either way, I wish you the best and hope you're able to find helpful solutions to your food issues! <3

[chained-to-the-mirror]

Here I am again, with my thinky thoughts about where I am now when it comes to body image and suchlike. Will put this under a cut so I won’t disturb anyone who doesn’t want to read about stuff like that.

It’s been a few months since I last wrote about this… I just read it to remember where I was then. I had just dodged the calorie counting bullet, and the weighing bullet. I think I was getting back to a good place with my eating. And I was doing really well for a good while. Then Christmas season happened, and so did my moving house crisis. It has thrown my eating a bit off tracks, which I guess is common enough. Lots of snacking, less substantial eating. And, as a result, feeling off and crappy in my body. Which is why I’m writing this now, I guess.

The fact is that I have been snacking on unhealthy stuff lately. Not nearly as much as I have done at my worst, in the past, but a lot more than since last summer. I’ve been able to stick to the fasting schedule really well, and with no trouble. But the quality of my food intake is not ideal. My downfall is sweets, mainly chocolate. And it’s crazy, because I KNOW I feel physically better when I eat well - but still I keep snacking if the opportunity presents itself. 

All this has led me to believe I have gained some of the weight back. I feel very fat and uncomfortable. It’s not about clothes - they feel the same on me as they did before, not tighter. But the mirror seems to tell me that I look hideous and BIG. I know I am still big, and that will never change, because I’m just built like that. But the thing is, I didn’t feel as big before Christmas. I didn’t LOOK as big in the mirror.

I saw my hairdresser friend a week ago or so, and I hadn’t seen her since early December. She said I had lost more weight since then. And she’s not the type to just say that to be nice. But that didn’t help me feel more secure or less fat. I don’t know what would, to be honest - except getting back to a diet that feels right to me. I also saw the dietician a second time last week (I think) and she went over my two day food journal. But those were days when I ate well, because I was keeping a journal (obviously) - so it was not really a true test. But she said that for the most part it looked really good - all she wanted was for me to eat a bit more bread, and fish if possible. She was still wondering whether I eat enough, but it was better now than last time. I had incorporated some changes she suggested during our first meeting, and I’ve been able to stick to them. That’s something I’m proud of, because it meant adding food to my day, and definitely adding calories. In the past I would have had trouble with doing that.

Today I have not snacked much, mainly because I don’t have sweets in the house, but also because yesterday was really bad in the snacking sense. I hope I can start over now. Maybe I shouldn’t buy chocolate for a bit, since that obviously seems to be something I can’t have around currently. Anyway, it has felt really good to eat proper food, and decent amounts of it. What I see in the mirror remains the same, BIG. But at least I don’t feel as off as I did yesterday.

Something I did just now was take a pic of myself in the dress that gave me the most good vibes feeling ever when it comes to looks. The picture on the left was taken in late July, and the picture on the right is from right now. I will say that the dress feels quite a bit looser… but I think it felt looser before Christmas. I wish I had a pic of that too so I could see if that helped. I am none the wiser now.

All this makes it seem like I care a lot about the weight. I don’t. I care about how I feel… I want back the feeling I had in the autumn when I felt balanced. Looking at those pics now, I look much better in the left one. I hate my brain sometimes!

Anyway, this is some of what has been in my brain lately. I don’t know if this is of any use to anyone… maybe someone has some advice on how to be more objective about your image in the mirror - and how to eat sweets in moderation. A big one, that. Imagine if someone actually figured it out!

Will tag this with some ED tags - as always, just let me know if you want me to add a tag. Thank you for reading my ramble! ❤️

[echo-three-one]

Chapter 28

The boys are back... (High School Musical, probably)

THE ROAD SO FAR

Docked and Loaded

Alexander "Alex" Collins

MacTavish Residence, Glasgow Scotland

Alex loved the idea of sleeping beside his significant other. It felt great to be loved, especially after all those months when he couldn't stop thinking of her. 

Yet today was different, he woke up alone. He turned to the bathroom door to check whether Samantha took a shower, but it was too quiet. So he decided to put on his grey tank top and sweatpants to go look for her.

He pulled the door open to see Samantha carrying a tray containing two meals, one was a fluffy pancake with maple syrup and the other one was a meaty sandwich.

"Hey, you. Good Morning." She greeted, her voice was always angelic in Alex's ears.

"There you are…" he sighed as he stepped back, letting her in.

"I was only gone for a few minutes. You don't have to worry that much." She grinned, guiding Alex back to the bed, teasingly pushing him as he plopped on the soft mattress bouncing as he slowly backwards crawled until his back hit the headboard.

"I'm just not used to waking up without you in my arms." he grinned as Samantha placed the tray on his lap, grabbing a slice of the sandwich and pointed it at his mouth.

"I thought the pancake was mine." Alex said, looking puzzled.

"No, that's mine. What you're supposed to be eating is this very healthy, dietician prescribed meal." She emphasized. Alex frowned. 

"I want the pancake." he complained playfully. 

"Too much sugar is bad for you." she teased as Alex finally surrendered and opened his mouth wide. He wasn't a huge fan of the wheat bread. 

"Say, aside from Alex. Did you use any other names while undercover?" Samantha slowly plopped herself beside him, locking her hands against his and leaned on his strong biceps.

"Oh hmmm.." he hummed, softly chewing and finishing his sandwich.

"I had a few… like James, Chad, Mike or Michael…" he said.

"Okay. Which was the most sophisticated?" Samantha asked. Alex looked at her in the eyes and saw that she was really interested in his answer.

"Nathaniel." he chuckled and Samantha looked confused.

"What's funny?" 

"I don't strike as a 'Nathaniel'. I just used it once." Alex defended despite not being attacked.

"Now that you say it… yeah." she laughed as soon as she realized the content of his words.

"What's the funniest? And why?" her eyes sparkled, or has it always been that way then he looked at her eyes. Alex never knew, but he liked it.

"Ummm.. I once went by 'Ray'. It's funny because… it just is. It's too short and I often mistake someone thinking that they're calling me. It has a lot of rhymes you know…" he answered, her eyes never left her stare.

"Ray's a nice name." Samantha mused, this actually made Alex a little curious.

"You're making me jealous over my previous name." He sneered playfully.

"Oh don't be. Alex is a very perfect name. It sounds... handsome." she said, making Alex smile in excitement. This was it. He was truly madly and deeply in love with this woman.

Alex leaned for a kiss to which Samantha eagerly accepted, but as soon as their hands started to roam around, a knock on the door was heard.

"Oi, Alex! Price wants us for a briefing." Soap's muffled voice roared from behind the door.

"I'm coming!" Alex shouted as she gave Samantha one quick kiss before leaving the bed.

Alex felt underdressed for the briefing as Roach and Soap were wearing collared shirts. So he hid behind them and listened eagerly to Captain Price.

"Alright boys, Laswell left us a gift. There's a port near the English Channel, where a lot of cargo ships are suspected to be operating under Shadow Company's name, and it might lead us to Shepherd. 

The plan is simple. Sneak in, gather everything we can using our cameras and sneak out. This place will be swarming with hostiles and all we have are pistols with few ammo. Soap, you take care of our ride and comms. Alex and Roach, you're with me." They all nodded in agreement.

"There are about approximately three ships and the Shadow Company shipment is mixed along with civilian cargo. We have to be there before 3 am tomorrow as it's scheduled to be unloaded that day." Price sprawled printout of the cargo's travel ticket along with other solid intel.

It was official. They're back in the grid, a wave of excitement and fear overwhelmed the former CIA. Excited because they're one step closer to ending this thing and scared because he knew Samantha's going to worry about him.

Port of Dover, London UK

1734HOURS

They were too early for the transfer but as they say, "The early bird gets the worm." The team positioned themselves on a rooftop of a nearby building, Price scanning the area with binoculars.

"Three huge cargo ships and one party packed cruise ship." he muttered. The rest of the team sat patiently waiting for the perfect opening.

"Hm. This is odd." Price added, noticing the convoy of expensive cars slowly parking themselves near the ship.

"It is. There's a party here tonight… and it says here SC Security Services was hired as the events' security team." Gary added, scrolling through his phone.

"SC. Shadow Company. Sneaky Bastards are using the party to cover their real agenda!" Soap pieced the puzzle together.

"And we're here to stop em on their bloody tracks." Price nodded and resumed scanning.

"How are we going to get in?" Alex asked as trucks of Shadow Company troops flooded the area. It looked like they had good reason to swarm the place. It was a sneaky yet effective tactic.

"I got one ticket." Gary raised a QR code from his phone. Price looked at the black and white blotches of squares in question.

"What's that supposed to do?" Price asked.

"It's a digital pass. The DJ performing tonight is a good ol' friend of mine." he said. 

"It's going to be a semi-formal party with a masquerade theme."  He continued, scrolling through the e-invite.

"Then you're going in there. See what's up. These cargo ships may just be decoys. We take one ship each. Always stay on comms. Once Roach successfully gets in, he'll find a shortcut from the inside." Price planned and everyone had no objections. 

"Wait. Maxine told me that she brought something useful." he scoured the contents of the duffle bag.

"Is it food?" Soap asked innocently as everyone looked at him.

"Bingo. Three Shadow Company Uniforms from Russia." Gary grinned and everyone looked delighted.

"Guess we're taking the easy way in." Price muttered as they put their plan to action.

Roach stopped at a local thrift shop for his attire. He wore an awkwardly tight tuxedo with rubber duck printed tie and a magenta masquerade mask. It wasn't too shabby and it did the job, as the rest of the group were already inside the premises.

"Stay on comms, Roach. Keep us posted." Price muttered as the team split to each of their ships. Walking casually like regular guards, except they didn't have guns.

"Aye aye, Captain." Roach muttered as slow booming could be heard from the distance. He was approaching the party.

Alex's ship was the farthest from the cruise ship but that didn't mean it was the least guarded. For a party, the place was overcrowded with security. Alex confidently nodded at every 'ally' he passed along the way, overhearing conversations of a supply drop around 3 am tomorrow, confirming Laswell's speculations.

"Hey!" Someone called from behind and Alex turned cautiously.

"You left your rifle at the office?" he asked and Alex nodded. The man pointed to the cargo ship and it gave Alex the free ticket to investigate it. He was lucky enough for an easy pass.

The cargo ship was indeed large, he didn't know where to start, but as soon as he claimed his issued rifle, he immediately looked for the ship's logs.

"I'm in. Got myself a gun." Alex reported.

"Good. I'm also in. Trying not to get tempted by the buffet." Gary replied.

"They're looking suspiciously at my haircut." Soap muttered, frustrated.

"My ship's empty, but I could feel footsteps. I'm being followed." Price warned. 

"Mine's full of stuff. It's impossible to look through these without a shipment log." Alex sighed, opening another door that contained useless stuff.

At the last door of the hallway, Alex heard a bizarre noise, he carefully crouched and checked on the room. A Shadow Company guard was snoring loudly, a computer monitor showing a live feed of the rooms in front of him.

"Ahem! Sir, you are needed on the cruise ship!" Alex roared, surprising the sleeping guard as he quickly got up to his bearings and exited the room. 

"Alright guys. I got eyes on the whole thing." He told comms while scanning the thick book of the ship's cargo.

"Good one." Gary said.

"Finally, these muppets stopped talking about my hair. I'm Oscar Mike." Soap muttered while Price's end remained quiet.

"Just what is Shepherd up to…" Alex mused, fingers scrolling through the ship log. He doesn't have all night but he's doing his best to look for it under pressure.

Next Chapter : Docked and Loaded - Part 2

Notification Squad my Beloved

@enderio @samatedeansbroccoli @smokeywhalee @whimsywispsblog @beemybee @ricinbach

[thatsbucknasty]

she used to be mine (iv) waitress au

pairing: Y/N x Bucky

summary: Inspired by the broadway musical. Y/N Beck is a pie baking force to be reckoned with. She’s pregnant with her lazy ass husband, Quentin Beck’s baby. As everything around her turns upside down, Doctor James Buchanan Barnes charms his way into her life.

tags are open c:

chapter 4: it only takes a taste

Time goes by so fast and I swear my uniform shrunk in the washing machine. I’ll have to ask doctor Barnes when I’m gonna start showing cause the girls say I still look normal but my clothes disagree.

Thank god Quentin’s still clueless about the baby and I’m happy about it. I just wish he’d find a job, that way maybe I could tell him and we could save money together instead of me doing all the work while he’s out having all the fun. I don’t mind that he spends a lot of time at the bar with his friends, it actually gives me a breather from time to time. I wouldn’t complain at all if he was buying his six packs with his own money. I’m worried about him though. He comes so late every night and he’s always in a bad mood, always complaining. Let’s just hope tonight his football team wins or I won’t hear the end of it.

“Y/N, did you bring me leftovers again? You bake god knows how many pies every day for the diner but you can’t bring your husband a single one that’s actually still warm and, oh I don’t know, whole?” He puts the plate aside and moves around the table to where I’m standind. God, the nerve of this man!

“You know I’m in a bad situation right now. Being unemployed ain’t easy sugar. I stay here alone all day browsing the tv, it’s taking a toll on me mentally. The least you can do is try and cheer me up a little but you’re always so tired when you come home!”

“Well, Quentin, if I didn’t have to pick up all those extra shifts to be able to pay the bills every month, then I wouldn’t be so tired. But if I don’t do that we’d be out in the street! Just go apologize to Tony, he might give you your job back!”

“Don’t you dare even mention that son of a bitch. He’s the one who should apologize to me! He took me for granted. I gave his construction company the best years of my life. I even quit my dreams for that asshole and this is how he pays me? Hell no! I’m not going back there ever”. I’ve never seen his face so red with anger before, it was a mistake mentioning Tony Stark, he simply hates the man. I’ll just manage things myself, like I’ve been doing, I guess.

“Okay then, but don’t expect me to come home to you all giddy and excited, when I work my ass off while you watch football all day and drink beer all night with god knows who. Whatever differences you two had at work ain’t my fault, Quentin. I’m gonna go to bed now, I don’t wanna keep fighting with you”. I’ll sleep on the couch tonight, I can’t even stand to be in the same room as him.

-

It’s been four weeks since my first visit to the doctor and my next appointment’s this evening after work. Wanda really hit it off with Steve and since that day, they’ve been on several more dates. He even comes to the diner once or twice a week and he’s the perfect gentleman to her, both me and Nat are really happy for them. Right now he’s stuffing his mouth with my famous Spaghetti pie while listening to Wanda talk about the differences between disinfectant and bleach.

Nat’s acting strange though. I don’t know what’s up with her but she hasn’t been late to work this whole past month! Sometimes she’s even earlier than me, already helping Sam in the kitchen. Those two don’t seem to hate each other that much anymore, which is odd but appreciated.

-

Maria’s reception desk has sugarless lollipops in a vase and they look disgusting but I’ve been craving them since the last time I was here. This is my second appointment. I know the basics. I’ve met my doctor and nurse now. Then why does this feel like it’s the first time I’m here all over again? I even shaved my legs this morning and wore my hair down, but why? I open the camera app on my phone to use as a mirror. Is my face too plain? Should I have put some lipstick on? Jesus, it’s just a doctor’s appointment. I can’t help but hear Nat’s voice in my head say “yeah, but he’s a really cute doctor”.

“Doctor Barnes will see you now, Mrs. Beck, you know the drill. The robe’s in the chair”. Maria breaks me out of my trance and I follow her, change and wait for him.

“Hi, Y/N, it’s good to see you back, how have you been feeling?” He has a little more stubble on his face today. Good for him. Gives him an edge.

“Not too shabby. I still get morning sickness, thank god it only happens when I’m at work and not home, heh”.

“Oh, most women would want it to be the other way around”.

“Right. Um, Doctor Barnes?”

“Please call me Bucky, what is it?” He types on his computer and I bite my nails before asking.

“When do you think I’ll start showing?”

“Well, you’re only 6 weeks along, so maybe not for another three months or so. But in my opinion, women look beautiful when they show, motherhood really brings-” And here he goes. Nope. No more talk about that.

“Yeah, yeah, sure. I just, I haven’t told a lot of people and I’m not sure I want to yet. That’s all”.

“Okay, well, let’s check that tiny baby of yours, hop onto the table please”.

I do as he says and he smears some cold gel on my still normal belly, and then starts moving the scanner around.

“There’s the little peanut! You ready to listen to their heartbeat?” Bucky smiles at me softly and I nod.

I find myself feeling excited for the first time. And then I hear it. Steady and strong. And doctor Barnes disappears from my mind. For an instant I just hear that sound and I can’t wait to hold this baby in my arms. Everything feels connected and right.

“I’ll print you some pictures to keep and I made a recording of the heartbeat so you can have it too”.

“Thank you, I have another question though”.

“Shoot!”

“Did you like the pie?”

He’s blushing again. The rosy tone in his cheeks makes the blue of his eyes even brighter.

“Did I like- Oh my god! I can’t even begin to tell you how much I LOVED that pie! It only takes a taste, doesnt it?”

“What?”

“Y/N, I don’t think I’ve ever had anything as biblically good as that pie. I think I ascended into another dimension the moment I had that first taste. Did you really make it? Cause if you didn’t I need to know the store so I can get some more, now be honest!”

Wow. No one’s ever described my pies with such enthusiasm. I know they’re good but biblically good?

“I really made it”. I smile and tuck my hair behind my ear. Goodness, I’m the one who’s blushing now, but he is complimenting my work! 

“That’s amazing! You know you could win contests with those skills? I am not lying when I say I was transported to heaven”. I’ve never seen a man be so adorably excited over pie. It’s my new favorite thing.

“You know, I can bring you some more if you want? That is if you don’t mind eating more sugar, but don’t worry, I won’t tell your doctor”. His lopsided smile made my insides do a funny thing I hadn’t felt in a long time. This needs to stop.

“Ha, that’s funny. My doctor is my wife, she’s a dietician actually. But we’re getting a divorce, so maybe I’m divorcing the diet as well.”

And I made things awkward.

“I’m sorry”.

“It’s okay, hey, your pies are worth the few extra pounds”.

Sure, act like you don’t know how attractive you are.

“Well doctor, I’m glad you liked my pie. I gotta go now”.

“Oh, great, well um, here’s the recording and pictures. Tell Maria I’ll see you in three weeks. Have a nice weekend, Y/N. And please, call me Bucky”.

“Thank you, Bucky. Goodbye”.

 Something shifts when I say his name and he smiles in a way that makes his eyes light up. He opens the door for me and my stomach does a funny thing when I get a whiff of his scent again, it makes me want to stay there and smell it one more time just to keep it in my mind for later. Those pregnancy hormones must be all over the place.

-

chapter 5: you will still be mine

pls reblog if you liked it c:

[katehuntington]

Title: In Bad Waters - part nine Word count: ±3300 words Episode summary: Still in possession of the Winchesters’ belongings, Zoë meets up with the hunters on her next case. When it turns out to be a little more complicated than anticipated, she accepts their help in order to make an important deadline. Part nine summary: After splitting up, each hunter has their own part to play in order to solve the case. But when Sam has a vision, things go south real quick. Episode warnings: Dark! NSFW, 18+ only! Descriptions of domestic violence/child abuse. Drug use/addiction. Angst, gore, violence, character death. Description of blood, injury and medical procedures/resuscitation. Swearing, alcoholism. Supernatural creatures/entities, mentions of demon possession. Descriptions of torture and murder, drowning. Illegal/criminal practices. Mentions of nightmares and flashbacks. Author’s note: Beta’d by @winchest09​​​​​​ and @deanwanddamons​​​​​​. Thanks, girls! Gif isn’t mine. If you are the creator or know who made it, please tell me so I can credit you.

Supernatural: The Sullivan Series Masterlist

S1E02 “In Bad Waters” Masterlist

     Bored out of her skull, Zoë flips the page of her newspaper for the third time, pretending to read it. She found a good spot on the terrace of a Pizza Hut restaurant. Traffic drives by on Highway 412 constantly, but from her table she has a clear view of a house on Magnolia Drive. Taylor Dawlson, Laura’s former teacher, lives in the suburban home.

     It’s 14:30 and Zoë has been guarding the Dawlson residence for over an hour now, but nothing has happened so far. She hasn’t had a call from the boys yet either, so she presumes everything is quiet at the Shire place, and Dean is probably talking to doctor Hughes.

     Taylor Dawlson is home, busy maintaining the household while keeping her daughter entertained. The husband, whose name is Jeff, is working the lawn at the moment, a sprinkler system watering the pink magnolias by the white wooden fence. On the table in front of her, next to the slice of pepperoni pizza, Zoë installed her Macbook, which shows some information about the Dawlson family, just so that she knows who she’s dealing with. Taylor is a teacher at the Woodrow Wilson Elementary School, Jeff is into sportswear and merchandise. They’ve been married for seven years  and have a three year old daughter named Lesley. No criminal records on the parents, nothing out of the ordinary. Just a happy family, living in a normal neighborhood, right next to a church. One thing doesn’t show up on her screen, though, and it’s something the huntress knows for a fact; the mother happened to be in one of her flashbacks.

     She lets out a bored sigh and takes another bite of her pizza, but then feels her phone vibrating in her pocket. Quickly, she takes out her Nokia and checks the screen; it’s Sam.      “What’s up?” She yawns.      “Your stake out is that exciting, huh?” Sam responds sarcastically.

     Sam is comfortable in the driver’s seat of the Chevrolet Impala, which he parked across the street of the Shire residence, located on Reynolds Park Road. He has the window rolled down and rests his elbow on the door as he holds his phone to his ear. The streets are almost empty in this neighborhood just outside the downtown area of Paragould. A beautiful house by the lake seems like a fairytale to live in, and yet this place was the setting for violence and abuse for many years.

     “It’s like watching a documentary on snails,” she comments, after which she bites off a piece of pizza.      Sam can hear her chewing food and furrows his brow. “Are you eating again?”      “Dude, you sound like my dietician,” Zoë responds with her mouth full.      Sam chuckles and realizes how stern he must have sounded. “Burgers again?”      “No, I like a bit of variation in my cuisine,” she claims, putting up a snooty voice. “I’m having Italian right now.”      “Let me guess: pizza?”      Zoë laughs. “Pizza Hut to be precise.”

     “How do you do it?” Sam wonders, still chuckling.      “Do what?”      “Eat so much, without… well, you know--” he starts carefully, instantly regretting it. He’s on thin ice.      Zoë can’t help but grin, deciding to mess with him. “- getting big? Are you fucking kidding me, Sam? Someone who had a long term relationship should know this; clothes, weight and age are the forbidden subjects.”      Quickly, Sam sets things straight. “I’m sorry, I just think it’s extraordinary.”      “What? The weirdness of women or the fact that I eat so much?” she jokes.

     Sam chuckles, now that he can detect the trace of mockery in her voice.  “Seriously, though. How can you consume so much food and still look - you know - like you do?”      “Because I kick ass,” she answers, sassy.      Her response might have come out rapidly, for a brief moment there, Zoë analyzed that sentence. Was Sam’s remark a compliment or a flirt? She’s not sure what to think of it, but presumes the flirtation wasn’t intentional, considering he’s clearly still struggling to deal with his ex-girlfriend’s death. And come on, she has given him a pretty hard time; she’s been anything but charming.

     Zoë changes the subject before an awkward silence follows. “How’s it going over there?”      Sam glances through his windshield at the two individuals up at the house. “Nothing out of the ordinary. Mrs. Shire seems to mourn by cleaning up the entire house and her son is sitting by the lake, just staring out over the water,” Sam describes.      “The guy was an asshole, but he was still their family,” she realizes, after which a beep sounds in her ear; she has a different call coming in.       “Gonna put you on hold for a sec, Sam,” she notifies the hunter, and pushes the green button on her phone. “Sullivan.”

     “Doc ain’t talking.”      Dean walks down the stairs of the Arkansas Methodist Medical Center. He unbuttons his blazer and loosens his tie.      Zoë narrows her eyes, even though the recipient on the other end of the line can’t see it. “What do you mean, he isn’t talking?”      “He got all nervous when I started asking questions. There’s no way I can get a word out of his mouth. But he does know something, alright,” Dean explains.

     “Did you try everything?” she checks, questioning Dean’s interrogation skills.      “Well, I didn’t torture him, if that’s what you’re asking. I didn’t tell him the truth either,” he admits.      Zoë realizes it’s a good thing he didn’t reveal his true identity. If Dean starts talking about killer ghosts and the guy freaks out, they might have a serious problem, considering that they are identified as FBI. A call to their chief at the Bureau will ultimately result in a blown cover, which will not make solving any future case any easier.

     “You have the death report, right?” she threatens with a tone.      “Who the fuck do you think I am? Of course I have the death report,” Dean ensures cockily, as he takes out the report from his inside pocket. “Stole it from his file case. Piece of cake.”      Zoë doesn’t bother to compliment him for his deed. “Anything interesting in there?”      “Not really,” Dean presses his phone between his ear and shoulder and leafs through the pages, which contain a lot of medical talk that he doesn’t understand one bit. “It says that Laura Shire was brought in by her father around 11 PM, yada yada. Cause of death…” Dean pauses as he reads the line again and halts. “Didn’t you say that both dear daddy and Van Dyke broke their neck?” he recalls, looking up from the file.      “Yeah.”      “Laura broke hers too. Robert Shire claimed she fell down the stairs.”       Zoë scoffs. “Well that’s complete utter bullshit.”

     “One other thing,” he points out as he continues his way down the street. “Shire wasn’t just a colleague, he was his boss. Guess who the second signature on Laura’s death report belongs to.”      “Shire himself?” she assumes, stunned.      “The one and only.”      “But he’s a family member of the victim, he should have been excluded from the examination!” Zoë exclaims in disbelief.      “That’s why he got Hughes to do the autopsy. All they needed was his signature as Chief of Staff.”      The huntress gets the point now and rolls her eyes skyward. “Which makes the report valid.”      “So, what now?” Dean questions, his current mission having been completed.      “Hughes played a part in this cover up, so he might be her next candidate,” Zoë ponders, glancing at the Dawlson residence, where it’s still quiet. “There is no way you can keep an eye on him in that hospital, is there?”      “We don’t need to. Laura only attacks when her victim is alone, right?” Dean mentions.

     Zoë thinks about that for a second, her mind going over the first two murders. She didn’t notice it before, but he’s right. There were people in the house when Shire and Van Dyke were killed, but never in the same room.      “Now that you mention it. As long as the doc stays amongst people, he’ll be safe. When does he get off?”      “Already checked that; not until 6 PM,” Dean informs.      “Good, so we don’t have to worry about him until six,” she concludes, trying to think of a plan.      “Everything nice and quiet over there?” Dean wonders.      “I’m wasting my time. I’m not sure if Laura would target her anyhow.”      Dean walks into the parking lot of the Kentucky Fried Chicken only blocks away from the hospital. “And Sam?”      “Do I look like a fucking mailman to you? Why don’t you ask him yourself?” she returns annoyed.

     He enters the KFC and takes a look at the menu, even though he always goes for the classic. When Dean ignores her remark, the silence however ignites a reaction from the huntress nonetheless.      “You two had a fight or somethin’?”      “Sort of,” he admits with a mutter.      “Ah, brotherly love. What did you fight about?” Zoë asks nosy.      “That’s none of your business,” Dean returns defensive, stunned by her boldness. “Damn, you’re not curious at all, are you?”      “I’m not curious. I just want to know everything.” She shrugs, her correction sassy. “C’mon, spill it.”

     Dean sighs somewhat agitated. He doesn’t owe her an explanation, but he figures that once she knows, she might stop poking him. He keeps it as short as possible, though. “It was about Dad. Sam and I have different ideas on how to find him.”

     Surprisingly, there’s no smart counter that follows up his words. Instead, Zoë swallows back a mean remark and decides not to respond for their own good. They are finally having a conversation without yelling at each other, and although the fighting doesn’t bother her since she has no interest in becoming friends with the older Winchester, she’d rather keep it civil. Like it or not, she can use their help, so now would not be the best time to counter the hunter.

     Dean breaks the deadly silence. “Still there?”      Zoë clears her throat. “Yeah, sorry. Got distracted.”      “Want some chicken?” he jokes, as if he could teleport it to her place.      She laughs, guessing where he is. “Where are you? KFC?”      “Ahuh,” he confirms, and turns to the guy behind the counter. “One bucket of chicken wings, please.”      “Is that all?” Zoë comments.      “You’re right,” he agrees, looking back at the restaurant worker. “Could you add a Crispy Colonel Sandwich and a coke?”

     He pays for his second lunch of the day and tells the employee to keep the change.      “Did you eat?” Dean asks Zoë, as he walks out to the terrace and settles down in the sun.      She smiles at her phone. Apparently they have found common grounds.      “Yeah, pizza,” she mentions. “Which reminds me, I still have Sam on hold. If you wanna crash some place, feel free to break into my motel room.”      “Alrighty, you didn’t boobytrap it, did ya?” he checks first.      “Unless you’re a demon or a ghost you’re free to waltz in,” Zoë replies, referring to the demon trapping pentagram under the doormat and the salt lines in the windowsills.      “Room number?”      “Seventeen. Don’t break anything.”

     With those words, she disconnected her call with Dean and returns to Sam. “I’m back,” she lets him know.      But there’s not a sound on the other line. He didn’t hang up on her, she can still hear static.      “Sam? You there?”      Then she hears Sam’s voice, but it’s not comforting. A painful moan sounds from the other side of the line.      “Sam, answer me! What’s going on?” Zoë calls out, sensing something is wrong.      Sam groans. “I’m here.”

     He has the palm of his hand pressed against his forehead, eyes shut firmly. He doesn’t know what just happened to him, but a stabbing pain in his head almost knocks him out cold. The images that flashed before his eyes a moment ago remain on display, but he cannot place any of them. Visions in his sleep are one thing, but he has never experienced them during the day before.      “What’s happening?”      He hears Zoë’s voice and presses his Blackberry against his ear. “I - I think I just had a vision.”      Zoë’s eyes grow large. It has started. “What did you see?”      Sam looks up, stunned. By the sound of her words, she experienced this too. “You had one of those while awake?”      “That’s not important right now. What did you see?” she repeats firmly.      Sam thinks back, trying to recover the recollections behind closed eyes. “I saw a house, white woodwork,” he remembers. “A woman inside is terrified, screaming, and I heard a child’s voice, saying ‘You didn’t stop it’.”

     Zoë’s eyes drift from her laptop screen to the house across the street; the Dawlson home has white woodwork. Her eyes widen as she realizes what might be going on.      “It’s Laura. What else did you see, Sam?!” she pressures while getting up so abruptly, that her chair tumbles over.      “A guy mowing the lawn, sprinklers... and a church, right next to the house,” he recalls, concentrating on possible clues.

     Zoë’s runs down the terrace, leaving her Macbook behind on the table. As fast as she can she crosses the street and is barely missed by a car, but she doesn’t have eyes for it. Her eyes are fixated on the front door and she knows; Laura is here.      “Get to Magnolia Drive, now!” she orders Sam, putting away her phone right after.      Adrenaline rushes through her body as she grabs the doorknob, but the door seems to be jammed. She pulls as hard as she can, but there’s no movement whatsoever.

     “Hey! What do you think you are doing?” Jeff Dawlson exclaims at the intruder. He left his lawnmower on the grass and now approaches her with large steps.      “Your wife’s in danger! We need to get inside the house,” she tells the man straight forward.      The facial expression of the tall man changes from mad to worried, his gaze shifting to his home. “Who are you?”      “Jeff, I don’t have time to explain! We need to get in the house!” Zoë cries out, losing her cool.

     She puts her shoulder into it and tries to lift the door from his hinges, but it won’t budge. Frustrated, she looks around for another way in.     Jeff hastens to the back door, but returns soon after, panicking. “I can’t get the back door to open! My daughter is in there too!”      The huntress curses, ramming into the door again. Laura is doing this, she’s shutting them out so that she can work over her victim without being interrupted. It’s amazing how fast this little ten year old developed into the monster she is now. This isn’t a ghost problem anymore, this is a poltergeist.      Without hesitation, Zoë draws her gun from behind her waistband and aims for the kitchen window. She pulls the trigger, but instead of breaking the glass, the shell flings back as if it just hit bullet proof glass.

     “Taylor!” Jeff calls his wife's name, desperately.      But they don’t hear a sound, not even a horrific scream and Zoë wonders if that is a good sign. Not willing to give up, she creates some distance between her and the door and drives her shoulder into the wood again and again, until she feels sore to the bone.      “Goddamnit! Let us in!” she yells, furiously.

     In the meantime, Jeff got his hands on a shovel and starts hitting the windows, but none of them break. While he keeps calling out for his wife and daughter, Zoë hears the roar of a V8 engine coming around the corner. With screeching tires Sam stops the car and jumps out, rushing for the trunk.      Without pausing her efforts to get in, Zoë calls out. “You better have a bright idea, Sam!”      With two loaded shotguns in his hands he runs up the lawn, but stops in his tracks when he glances at the window. “Zoë?”

     She looks over her shoulder and sees the staggered expression on his face, triggering her to back up glances at the second story. In front of the window stands a young girl, but the sight is anything but endearing. This time she isn’t the sad little innocent kid, she looks terrifying. Here eyes seem to have sunken deep into their sockets, blood and bruises cover her pale body. Her head is tilted to the right in an unnatural way, twisted at the base. The image distorts, then she disappears.

     The next moment, they hear the sound of shattering glass. The hunters’ attention is drawn to the kitchen window; Jeff managed to break it. Hastily Zoë rushes for the door, knowing it’s unlocked now and enters the house. Sam is right behind her and hands her the shotgun in the hallway, just in case.      She looks at the gun for a moment. “This isn’t gonna help.”      “Loaded with rock salt,” Sam elaborates.      Her eyes dart to the rifle again, this time appreciating the weapon. She heard of many ways to fight ghosts, but this is a new technique. It must be a Winchester invention, seems like those lumberjacks aren’t that stupid afterall.      “You get their daughter,” she orders.      They split up and when Sam glances into the living room, he sees Jeff's and Taylor’s little girl. She doesn’t seem to realize what is going on, apparently she didn’t hear a thing. The child is playing with her dolls, as her mother told her to.

     While Sam picks up Lesley and takes her outside, Zoë rushes to the second floor. Quickly she climbs the stairs, her shotgun ready to fire. Alert, she scans the corridor; all clear. Knowing Laura might still be inside, she takes a deep breath and busts the door to what she assumes to be one of the bedrooms. What the huntress sees inside makes her stomach turn, even though she has seen her fair share of blood and violence.

     What she feared the most has happened. Laura made her teacher die an even more horrible death than her own. Taylor has collapsed against the wall, her eyes stare at the ground, as if she was unpleasantly surprised by her attacker. But she doesn’t move, she doesn’t flinch; she’s dead. Her arms and neck seem to be broken, a bad head injury that cracked her skull giving Zoë a glimpse of her brain. Blood prints of her head and hands are smeared over the pink wall paper of her daughter’s room. Crimson stains the carpet, the teddy bears on Lesley’s bed, the covers, even the ceiling.      “Damnit, Laura,” Zoë says, breathlessly.

     Footsteps echo from the staircase behind her. She looks back and sees Jeff, running onto the corridor.      “You don’t wanna see this,” she warns, trying to keep him from the doorway.      But as she would have done, he steps inside anyway. As soon as his eye catches the sight of his wife in the state that she is, he freezes. Unable to say anything, unable to move like a deer in headlights, he looks down at her dead body as tears well up in his eyes. Zoë watches him, but she can’t get a word out of her mouth. After she swallows apprehensively, she averts her eyes away from the heart wrenching scene.

     “Taylor…” Jeff whispers as tears run down his face. The cry that follows      gives Zoë chills. “Taylor!”      In a blink of an eye this family’s life has changed forever. The woman Jeff loves dearly, the mother of his child, just got ripped away from them, murdered, and there is nothing he can do to reverse that. Zoë knows the feeling, she knows it way too well. He falls down on his knees in her blood, but he doesn’t hit the floor. He hits rock bottom.

Thank you for reading. I appreciate every single one of you, but if you do want to give me some extra love, you are free to like or reblog my work, shoot me a message or buy me coffee (Link to Kofi in bio at the top of the page). 

Read chapter ten here  

[imaginingsoftly]

Kiddie Party - Tyson Jost

Type: first meetings, friends of friends

Requested: Yes!

Warnings: none

A/N: Combined two requests... I was having trouble with them, and they were thankfully about the same person, so this is what happened. Enjoy!

There were way too many hot single guys in attendance for this to be a 4 year old’s birthday party. They were all Matt’s teammates, so it wasn’t like some random guys were hanging out at the Calvert’s house, but it was weird to see men running around with kids without rings on their fingers. A pretty guy with beautiful curls and thick thighs was currently chasing your son through the backyard, and TJ’s giggles had you smiling from your seat at the table. “His name is Tyson,” Courtney said from next to you. You looked over to see her already smirking at you mischievously. “He’s a sweet kid, and your age. I can hook you up.” Matt rolled his eyes at his wife from in front of the grill, where him and Gabe were arguing over the best way to grill a steak, both men giving you a sympathetic smile. Courtney spent most of her free time trying to find you a boyfriend, convinced that you needed a man to give you a break. 

“Court I appreciate the thought, but no hot young athlete is gonna want to date a single mom. Seriously, don’t worry about it.” It wasn’t that you weren’t interested; Tyson was hot as hell, and you already knew that TJ liked him, if the way they were now spraying water guns at each other was any indication. Courtney punched your arm and turned to Mel, who was nursing her baby girl. “Mel, please tell this stubborn idiot that Tyson would be a great boyfriend.” Mel nodded in agreement, and you sighed inwardly. When the two of them combined to interfere in your love life, things tended to get messy. Court was distracted as Kasey ran by holding a plastic fork and chasing one of his friends, but Mel continued the conversation like nothing had happened. “Y/N he would be a great boyfriend. I’ve never seen him be anything but kind.” She paused to adjust Linnea, who was starting to get fussy. “He’s a sweet kid, kinda goofy, and he loves kids.” Court nodded in agreement as she returned, catching the tail-end of Mel’s statement. “He was thrilled when I invited him to this party. He gets way too amped about other people’s kids. He would love being around TJ!” 

You didn’t get a chance to respond before TJ was running over to you, Tyson and a redhead following behind him. “Mama, Mama, guess what!” TJ’s bright eyes were shining in excitement, and his blonde curls bounced as he ran. “Mama, he has the same name as me!” TJ flung himself into your lap and pointed at the redhead. Tyson laughed and jostled the other guy. “Not quite buddy,” the other guy said gently. “I’m JT. Same letters, but they’re in a different order.” TJ threw his arms around your neck and cuddled into your side. “Tyson, JT,” Court interjected, “this is Y/N. She’s a friend of mine from my lamaze classes. TJ and Kasey were born a week apart.” Tyson’s warm eyes met yours as he held out a hand to shake. “Nice to meet you,Y/N. TJ talked about you a lot.” You laughed, and only broke his gaze when JT jostled Tyson out of the way so he could shake your hand as well. Gabe called the two away, and Court punched your arm again. “See? Hot and sweet.” You rubbed your arm, rolling your eyes at her. 

“Yeah, and he was totally about to run away as soon as he heard TJ call me mama. It’s fine, Court. You don’t need to set me up with people you know.” Court looked like she was about to respond when TJ tugged on your shirt.  “Mama?” TJ looked up at you from his place in your lap, and you smoothed his curls back gently. “What’s up, buddy?” He struggled down from your lap and tugged on your hand. “I’m hungry.” Tyson was back before you could move, holding out his hand for TJ. “I was just about to go get some dino nuggets, buddy, wanna show me where they are?” TJ gripped Tyson’s huge hand with his tiny one without hesitation, and let go of yours. You smiled softly as TJ led Tyson over to the kiddie food table, and as they walked away you heard him say, “Let’s see if we can find a cool dino nugget for your mom, yeah? Do you think she’d like a Triceratops or a T-Rex?” You laughed, and Court slipped her hand into yours and squeezed. “You were saying?” She was smiling when you turned to face her, and you didn’t really have a counter-argument. 

The whole having a kid thing was usually the deal breaker for guys your age, but it seemed like TJ was what was going to bring you and Tyson together. “Told you he loves kids,” Mel piped up from behind you. You rolled your eyes and reached for Linnea. “Shut up and let me hold your sweet girl.” She obliged, and Linnea cuddled into the crook of your arm sleepily. There was nothing quite as peaceful as holding a milk-drunk baby, even in the midst of a chaotic kids party. “He’s into you, kid, nothing you can do about it.” Matt’s voice made you jump, and you looked over to see him, Gabe, and JT smirking at you from the grill. They laughed as you turned red, though TJ’s giggles as Tyson danced dino nuggets around in the air made you smile despite their teasing. Court got up to get drink refills for the two of you, promising something a little bit stronger in your lemonade this time. You were still cuddling Linnea when the boys returned, and Tyson and TJ sat on either side of you. Tyson placed a plate of dino nuggets and fruit in front of you before doing the same to a matching plate also including french fries for TJ.

 “I wasn’t sure if you liked this stuff or not, so I was kinda going off of what the kid said,” Tyson whispered in your ear. You smiled up at him. “This is fine. I could never say no to dino nuggets, no matter how many times I’ve eaten them this week.” Tyson laughed and nodded, swiping a triceratops nugget from your plate. “These are so not on our dietician’s approval list, but they’re so damn good.” You sideyed TJ to see if he had heard Tyson, but he was thankfully fully engaged in drowning his nuggets in ketchup. He had recently reached a phrase that every swear word was a personal offense, and ‘damn’ was a current favorite to bring up. 

“Thank you for occupying him today, Tyson,” you said. “He can be pretty energetic, so he’ll go until he crashes tonight.” Tyson told you it was no problem, and the two of you shared your plate of nuggets and fruit in general silence, minus Linnea’s sudden breakdown about five minutes in. Mel had swooped her up, squeezing your shoulder in encouragement. “So listen,” Tyson said suddenly, “I’ve gotten to know your son pretty well, but I’d like to take you out sometime, if you’re interested.” You didn’t get a chance to respond before Matt was yelling over from the grill yet again. “We’ll take TJ for the night! You kids have fun! Don’t do anything too stupid.” You groaned and Tyson met your eyes for a split second before you were both laughing hysterically. TJ tugged on your arm asking you why you were laughing, but you just threw an arm around his shoulders and kissed his forehead. “Do you want to spend the night with Kasey tonight, buddy?” TJ jumped up from his seat, nodding enthusiastically before running over to Kasey yelling about a sleepover. You turned back to Tyson with your eyebrows raised, only to find him smiling over at you already. “I’ll take that as a yes, then?” You laughed, bumping his shoulder with your own. “Yeah, Tyson. Do your worst.”

[pandawritespoorly]

With Time: Chapter 33 - The Sun’s Going Out

Author’s Note: Woo! Saturday again!

A warning that Adrien is not doing so well. He's struggling, and you may feel uncomfortable reading it. I want you all to prioritize your mental health over my story.

What's this? A strong language warning? It's been a while! 'Bullshit'.

Chapter Summary: Adrien is fine.

First | Previous | Next

“Alright Chloe,” Marinette says as she takes a seat across from the blonde, “What did you want to talk about?”

“I’ve been working on… a project. For a while now. Originally, I was going to talk to you about it in, like, November, but Adrikins and Sabrina both mentioned that you weren’t doing so well - ‘cause it was cold.” Chloe snaps her compact shut, putting it in her purse and looking at Marinette.

She clasps her hands together, placing them on the table and leaning forward seriously, “I’m starting a non-profit. For bullying. I want you to help me.”

Marinette is taken aback, this is certainly not what she expected. On reflex, she asks, “Why?”

“I know that I can never undo what I did, all those years, when we were kids, but I want to do something to make up for it,” Chloe looks away for a moment, “I did awful things, even when I was trying to be better,” she looks back at Marinette, “I let things with Lila get as bad as they did. I could have done something. I should have helped you before it got to the point it did. I’m so sorry for that. I could have spared you from… so much. It’s… I’m so sorry, Dupain-Cheng. For everything. So, I figured, there’s no use moping about it! I wanted to do something! So I figured… I can try to help? Help other people, and make something positive from all I did.”

Chloe looks down at the table. Marinette can only guess how badly she feels. The Chloe she knew would have never admitted she was wrong, have never tried to do anything like this.

This. This is... 

Amazing.

Marinette stands, rushing to hug Chloe tightly, “Oh, Chloe, that’s an amazing idea. I love it so much! Thank you! I’m so proud! You’ve become such an amazing person!”

Chloe blushes slightly, but eventually shoves the short girl away (gently), “Ugh, I know. Sit down like a civilized person, why don’t you?”

Marinette can tell from her tone that she’s not saying it in a mean way, just a Chloe way. Marinette smiles at her and sits down, ignoring the stares from the other people in the cafe.

She’s so proud.

“Anyways,” Chloe brings them back on track, “I’ve been working on setting it up for a while now. At first, I wasn’t even sure what I could do, but Sabrina suggested a non-profit, and then… well, yeah, here we are.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“I’m not really sure, but this just seemed  like your sort of thing, because you know, you’re so you - one of those people that’s just good. It’s almost sickening how nice you are, honestly.”

“Thanks!”

Chloe glares at her. “See! You took that as a compliment! Ugh! You’re ridiculous! Utterly ridiculous! Whatever.” She flips her ponytail for effect, “It’s called Everyday Heroes, and it’s going to be focused on educating people on bullying and helping the victims. You could probably work as a speaker on bullying - if you are comfortable with that, of course - which would fall under the scope of ‘education’ I guess. Or just spread the word. If you can think of anything, I’m open to suggestions.”

Marinette hums, “I could do that. Need any help with fundraisers? I can help there too.”

Chloe brightens. “Yes! That’d be great!”

They talk a little longer on the non-profit, exchanging ideas and planning. After a moment, they pause. Chloe sips on her drink and looks at Marinette.

“So, I heard about Adrien. What Gabriel and Lila did…”

Marinette scowls, “Ugh, that.”

“Right?! The only reason that no one is doing anything is ‘cause he’s some dumb old white rich guy. Sabrina brought it up to her father, who brought it up with his superior, who threatened to fire him for even considering going after Gabriel. I mean, can you say ‘corruption’?” “He’s being completely isolated! Sure he’s around people, but they’re not good people-” Marinette pauses at this. She’d always insisted that the class was still good.

They are, right?

She knows they are, but Lila… Lila has twisted them into something dark.

Something bad.

“...good people for him, anyways. This is- this is-” She clenches her hands into tight fists, feeling her nails bite into her skin, “Ugh!” she growls.

She remembers herself. She can’t get mad. That’s not allowed. Not while Hawkmoth is still a threat.

“Come on Chloe, let’s go back to the bakery.” She stands, placing some money down to cover her drink.

“I guess I can go with you,” Chloe sighs.

Marinette smiles. When they get outside, she wrinkles her nose at the chill. She may not be at risk of hibernating anymore, but that doesn’t mean she has to like the cold.

Waving at Maman and Papa as she leads Chloe through the back, she marvel’s at how much has changed in just one year. Less than a year actually.

There’s the whole… Dupont mess. She doesn’t want to think about that.

Chloe though! Now she can bring her to the bakery and no one bats an eye because she’s not a bully anymore. She’s a friend!

“Okay, so I brought you here because I figured that you could help us out. We’re planning to take down Lila during the music comp-”

“I’m in!” Chloe interrupts immediately.

Marinette’s eyes twinkle in excitement, “I thought so. Give me a minute to get everything out.”

Chloe nods, taking a seat on the chaise.

Marinette buzzes about the room, taking out papers and lists. She takes a large rolled-up paper out from some corner, placing it near the pile she’s made as she goes to grab a few last things.

Returning to the mess, she sorts it seemingly at random, moving some this way or that after a quick glance. When there’s enough space cleared, she unrolls the biggest one, spreading it out across the floor.

It’s a schedule for Concours d'arts musicaux, as well as a map of Collège Françoise Dupont.

Marinette takes a sheet of paper from another pile, unfolding it to reveal a rather lengthy list titled ‘Lila’s Lies’. Some are highlighted.

As she makes a few final rearrangements, Marinette says, “Obviously we aren’t going to debunk everything, because we don’t have that much time, but we’re going to assume that the rest will fall if you give the push.”

Chloe gives her a flat look. “Really? You’re making quite the assumptions on their intelligence here.”

Marinette glares. “They’re smart people, Chloe. It’s not their fault they’ve been manipulated.”

“Smart? Sure, when I think ‘smart’ I think a guy with glasses thinking his eye could have been gouged out with a paper napkin.”

“Ignoring that, they’re smart people.”

“Sure. You tell yourself that Dupain-Cheng,” Chloe retorts.

Marinette ignores her. “Anyways, the current game plan is to get Jagged, Prince Ali, Mrs. Rossi in to debunk her lies there. We’ll also play parts of the recording from when she, uh, saw me at the museum-”

“I want to hear that.”

“Chloe, really, it’s fine,” Marinette tries to reassure her.

Chloe shakes her head. “Nope. I want to hear it.”

Marinette sighs, handing Chloe the phone so she can listen. The blonde looks furious by the end. Marinette cuts in before she can say more, “How about you use your anger constructively and help me finalize the plans for the competition?”

---

“... and after fencing you have a picnic date with your girlfriend. It will last at least four hours. To offset the time lost, you will have extra lessons for the next two weeks. Any further dates will do the same. Ms. Rossi is aware of this and has assured me she will plan accordingly. That is all, enjoy your breakfast, Adrien.”

“Yes, Nathalie,” Adrien says robotically. Turning to his plate he can’t even muster up the energy to be disappointed in the small portions. His old dietician had retired. The new one was trying his best to ‘go by the book’ and be very exact in his portions for someone of Adrien’s size and weight. Nevermind that the old one had noted that he seemed to have a ‘worryingly fast metabolism’ given how many calories he loses, and should be fed accordingly.

Nope. That didn’t matter.

Nothing matters in regards to Adrien Agreste.

He’s just some pretty toy for people to show off.

His plate is only half done, but suddenly he’s not hungry anymore. Finishing early gives him approximately ten minutes of free time, so he goes to his room.

In the past, he’d have used this time to play games or text his friends, but now?

Now he just goes to his bed, staring up at the ceiling and focusing on thinking of nothing at all.

Plagg has other plans.

“Kid, this isn’t healthy.”

“Plagg, everything has been properly planned out so that my physical health and wellbeing will be at their peak. I-”

“Well, firstly, that’s bullshit.”

“Such language is not befitting of the Agreste brand.”

“Well thank me I’m not a part of that. Neither are you. A family shouldn’t be a brand first, family second. Adrien, this isn’t healthy for you mentally or physically. It’s only been like a week of this, and you’re a completely different person. I’m worried about you, kid.”

Adrien sighs. He doesn’t have the energy to argue.

This is just his life now. Plagg should accept that - it takes less energy than to fight it.

“Your friends are trying their best to help you out, but Nathalie and Gabriel are playing interception big time. Felix’s appointments aren’t being prioritized-”

“It’s a waste of time anyways. Father wants me to be the perfect face for the Agreste brand. Perfection requires sacrifices, which I have to be willing to make,” Adrien’s voice cracks as he speaks.

Plagg nuzzles into him, trying to provide comfort as best he can. “You aren’t perfect. It’s just a fact of life. You shouldn’t have to be making these sorts of ‘sacrifices’.”

They lay like that for a while before there’s a knock on the door.

“Adrien. Your extra practice for Concours D'arts Musicaux begins soon. Your bodyguard is waiting for you, it is time to go.”

He can’t muster up the energy to call out his usual response, simply rising to grab his stuff and go. Plagg settles around his neck, hidden by the collar of his shirt.

As Adrien approaches the car, he sees the Gorilla give him a concerned look.

He’s fine.

The drive consists of silence. Adrien is sitting up straight and staring ahead of him blankly.

He’s fine.

They arrive, and he exits the car. He keeps his face passive and maintains perfect posture as he enters the building for practice. Adrien is fifteen minutes early as is expected of him. One must make a good impression for the first whole group practice.

He’s fine.

A soft touch to his arm alerts him that someone wishes to speak with him. Of course, he obediently turns to face them. He hopes he’s able to help, because the last thing he would want is his Father to find out he’d been useless.

He’s fine.

“Adrien?”

He finally registers the owner of the voice and touch. Allegra. She’s standing before him, holding a bag from the Dupain-Cheng Bakery. She’s frowning, but it’s the first time in weeks he’s actually sure he didn’t do anything to cause it.

It’s a relief to not be a disappointment for once.

“How are you?” Her voice is still soft, gentle. It’s far from the monotones of those in the Agreste mansion.

“I’m fine.” It’s a reflex.

“No, honey.” She puts a gentle hand on his arm, a touch he could easily shake away if he wanted, “No you’re not.”

He screws his eyes shut, shaking his head desperately, and hugging her tightly. She returns the gesture, petting his hair and making comforting noises while leading him out of sight.

The last thing he needed was for someone to post a picture of The Adrien Agreste seemingly crying. Father would have his head.

It’s a few minutes before he finally lets go. He looks at the ground, “I’m s-”

“There’s nothing to apologize for,” she says immediately. The whole group has gotten quick with that response after being Marinette’s friend.

He remains silent, so she continues, “We figured out pretty quick that even with Felix trying to schedule appointments, they weren’t really making it a priority. He got a call that it had to be ‘postponed due to the prioritization of Adrien’s social life’. As if. How are you really? You look pale, honestly you shouldn’t be here if you’re sick.”

He sighs, “No, I’m just…” he hesitates, looking for the right word, “...tired. Father is really cramming in a lot.”

She looks at him suspiciously, “How are you food wise? That old man had better be feeding you.”

“Yeah, he’s feeding me.”

“But…?”

Adrien wonders if she’d care or not. Should he mention it?

Sure, the new dietician cut back on his food, but he hasn’t had much of an appetite anyways.

“I have a new dietician, so my portions have been reduced, but I haven’t really been hungry anyways,” he mutters.

She frowns, “We figured that you wouldn’t be eating enough. Mari sent food with me for you.” She shoves the bag towards him, “I’m under orders from all of them to make sure you eat at least one whole pastry.”

He smiles for the first time in…

How long had it been?

He ends up eating all the provided pastries, and she takes care of the trash for him, and they walk to the main room together.

---

Adrien has finished his homework. He’s done fencing. He’s reviewed Chinese.

He continues to mentally go over his day, assuring himself that he’s done all he’s supposed to, while intentionally ignoring the four hour (it lasted six by the end) date he’d gone on.

Except now he is.

Six hours with he-

No, not ‘her’. His girlfriend.

Just thinking it makes him feel nauseous. Gross. Filthy. Unclean.

He might actually be sick.

The whole thing was a nightmare. Sitting in a park with her. She was constantly touching him, leaning against him, running her hands through his hair.

He doesn’t want to think about how often she kissed him.

A soft knock at the window pulls him out of his thoughts.

Ladybug.

He hesitates. This-

“Kid, you haven’t been going on patrols. She’s got to be worried. Talk to her.”

Adrien had been avoiding Ladybug, even after the three akumas they’d had, he just… he had to get back to his schedule. There would be huge consequences if he went missing for too long. As for patrols - he just wanted to sleep.

He’s tired of being awake.

Plagg is right though, and he really does miss her.

He lets her in.

“Oh, my sweet prince…” Ladybug caresses his cheek, looking at him worriedly.

Adrien doesn’t say anything, just appreciating her company.

“Come on, let’s go. No patrol tonight, I just think you should get out of here.”

Chat Noir and Ladybug take off, and he’s content to follow her lead. He’s not entirely surprised when she lands on her balcony and releases her transformation.

He follows her inside.

“Do you want to detransform?” It’s a question, not an order. Despite that, he feels his ears droop in shame.

“No, I’m sorry. I just… I don’t want to be Adrien right now.”

She smiles sadly, “That’s purr-fectly fine Kitty.”

He still feels bad, and- hey! “Did you just make a cat pun?” His ears and tail perk up.

She smirks, “Purr-haps.”

He grins, “I love you so much!” He rushes forward and picks her up, spinning her in circles. She giggles.

“Want to watch a movie? Or an anime? I have popcorn and pastries.”

“Yes.”

He sets her down and she carefully leads him up to the loft. A bowl of popcorn, a tray of sweet pastries, and her laptop are already there. She crawls to the end, holding her arms out to him.

Chat flops down next to her. She has him choose a movie, and they settle in.

It’s almost like a-

...a date.

Just like that he’s back at the park. That’s all it takes.

“Adri-love! There you are my sweet!”

Lila rushes up to him, not hesitating to kiss him dramatically.

“Hi,” he manages.

She frowns. “Oh no, what’s wrong? Normally, you’d call me something cuter.”

He can translate - cute nickname or else.

“I-I’m fine, my, uh, peacock.”

She pauses, then nods, accepting the name. She kisses him again, which he guesses is supposed to be a reward.

He feels sick.

Her hand grabs his, and she leads him towards the blanket she has set up in a secluded corner of the park. Normally, he’d be grateful that the usual paparazzi isn’t around, but he really wishes that someone - anyone - would be here.

He doesn’t want to be alone with her.

He doesn’t want to be with her, period.

“Chat? What’s wrong? You’re crying.”

Marinette.

He’s with Marinette.

He’s safe.

She’s already paused the movie and set everything aside. She brushes his hair aside, studying him.

“N-nothing,” he whispers.

“It’s not nothing if it’s bothering you - your feelings matter. A very smart cat-boy told me that once.”

He wishes she’d hug him.

He’s relieved she doesn’t.

“I j-just, I had- I- a d-d-date tod-d-day…” he stutters. More tears threaten to fall, but he’s supposed to be perfect.

He hears a sharp intake of breath.

“Do you want a hug? Is touch okay?” She’s well aware of how Lila treats him, and doesn’t want to do anything he’s uncomfortable with.

You know, the way you treat people you care about.

Chat Noir hesitates. His day has been filled with nothing but touch so cold it burned, or the poisonous leaching from her.

Well, not quite only that.

He’d hugged Allegra. That had been nice. A warm hug, not burning, not freezing. Just… caring.

It’s only when he nods that she finally reaches out to him. Burrowing his face in her stomach to hide the tears, he finally lets himself cry softly.

Marinette doesn’t comment on the tears, or the quiet hiccuping of his sobs. She just pets his hair comfortingly.

“It’ll be alright, love. You’re okay, you’re safe. You are absolutely amazing. You’re my favorite person in the whole world - my kitty. Everything will be okay. I promise,” she murmurs. She continues to whisper quietly to him for sometime, eventually just humming a soft song.

It’s the calmest he’s felt all day.

A low purr stutters out of him, and he can tell she’s smiling, even if he can’t see her. He knows she wouldn’t tease him for crying in front of her, but her shirt smells like her, so he doesn't move.

He’s missed her so much.

---

Author’s Note: That child. I feel so bad. For those of you worrying, the competition is soon.

Wondering why Adrien called her a peacock? Well, I was looking for words that meant 'showy/conceited' and that was there. Not to mention one of the villains of Paris is a peacock.

So Chloe, huh? I've been planning this for a while. Like Chloe said, that meeting was originally planned for November.

Thanks for reading! Feel free to leave any thoughts, theories, constructive criticism, or anything really in my ask box, in replies or through reblogs. I love seeing what you think!

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[try-and-try-and-try-again]

23.10.19// It was a busy and emotional day full of appointments and meetings and I’ve been given an overwhelming number of things to think about over the next few days. Lots of people are recommending that I defer and take the rest of the year off. I am emotionally frazzled and physically in such a lot of pain that I am not making it to all of my lectures and classes or keeping up generally. Last night I was intending to do work but instead collapsed into bed straight away and achieved nothing. I really do not want to have to take time out. I don’t know why I’m studying, I am constantly thinking about how much everything hurts and how much I want to go to bed. I guess it makes sense to at least take an interruption of studies but I feel like working is all I have that keeps me going (Putting the rest of this under read more)...

Yet I keep failing to prove this. It frustrates me massively. Why do I do this? I’m struggling to change the way I’m dealing with anything at the moment. I have implemented a couple of the changes to my intake that the dietician I am seeing has told me to, but I’ve been told it’s not enough. Yesterday I also had supported lunch and cried over it. I talked to the psychologist about how I am constantly questioning everything I do and just feeling thoroughly confused. She said with everything that was going on she wasn’t surprised that I was feeling lost and didn’t expect me to be able to make decisions. The nurse who was there suggested I start taking olanzapine to ‘help me do things without thinking about them’. I’m not feeling too keen. I am already on antidepressants, and I’m not sure I like the idea of letting myself do things without thinking (maybe this is disordered though, I don’t know). She said it might also help reduce my chronic pain as it will lessen my anxiety, but the same has been said about many medications I’ve been on.

On the plus side, despite nearly giving up, I went to my biology lab this afternoon. It was a nice distraction for a bit. I keep feeling like I’ve lost my passion for biology but once I was in the lab I think I actually quite enjoyed the work. It was a long session and dark when I came out, it made the streets look particularly photogenic. 

[anothergirlrecovering]

Dietician day five

Peggy is honestly just so kind. I feel like I say that every time, but every time I’m still blown away by it. Maybe that says more about me than it does her that I’m always so floored when people are so nice to me. I came in and she was running behind with her previous client so I sat down and was browsing my phone. When she came out to get me she said that she was sorry for running behind that she got to the office late this morning. I said I was fine and she said to put my stuff down and we can go and weigh. She weighed me and then I went back into her office and she said so how’s life and I said well I gain weight so it’s going good and she was like I saw that how has food been going and I was like it’s been OK it sucks but I’m trying and she was like yeah I saw that and I’m really proud of you I know it hasn’t been easy and you’ve been really pushing yourself but you’ve been doing such good work. She said that she was so thankful for me and I just found that so interesting as a statement but it was nice to hear and she was like seriously I’m just so thankful for you and she said she’d been looking at my logs And had been seeing that even though I’m not necessarily completing all of the meal clinics changes she sees so much consistency compared to what it was when I first came in and she’s just so proud and glad to see that because it’s a step in the right direction and also the fact that I did actually gain weight and I was like well yeah and yesterday was the first day that I literally did every single freaking snack and meal that there is. We were literally sitting there talking and she didn’t have her breakfast and I Wasn’t sure if she had eaten with her first client or what but so I didn’t eat until she was going to say something about it but she asked me how things were going with following the meal plan and I was like honestly it’s just it’s so time-consuming and she was like what do you mean and I was like because I just end up with so much anxiety around picking the right thing and not picking the wrong thing and she was like there’s no judgment and I was like I know that but for whatever reason I just have so much anxiety and I know it’s not your fault and I know it’s not even you I think it’s actually my history with my parents because they were so judge mental that I’m just always so afraid that I’m gonna pick the wrong thing and do the wrong thing and I end up writing out the meal plan like crossing things out and writing things in and trying to make all the food groups work and she wa wasn’t sure if she had eaten with her first client or what but so I didn’t eat until she was going to say something about it but she asked me how things were going with following the meal plan and I was like honestly it just is so time-consuming and she was like what do you mean and I was like because I just end up with so much anxiety around picking the right thing and not picking the wrong thing and she was like there’s no judgment and I was like I know that but for whatever reason I just have so much anxiety and I know it’s not your fault and I know it’s not even you I think it’s actually my history with my parents because they were so judge mental that I’m just always so afraid that I’m gonna pick the wrong thing and do the wrong thing and I end up writing out the meal plan like crossing things out and writing things in and trying to make all the food groups work and she was like I think you have hit all of your changes sometimes and I was like well if I did then I wasn’t aware of it and had been counting them wrong and she was like oh maybe not she said that she had an actually looked all that closely with that I was doing pretty well and she was like it’s actually all really flexible you know and I was like yeah but I don’t do well with flexibility and that’s part of the problem and she was like so do we need to make it a range of servings and I was like yeah maybe that would help and so she took out the original sheet of paper with my meal exchange values and she was like where do you feel like you’re not hitting your exchanges and where do you feel like you need more and I was like well how the heck do you only do eight proteins a day and she was like what do you mean and I was like honestly if I wanted a whole can of tuna that’s five of my servings a day and then I only have three left so basically I can have a little bit of peanut butter breakfast and then I’m like done so what about dinner and she was like it’s all flexible. She was like you can increase as you need to or decrease those as you need to just sort of depending on the day and it’s OK to have more one day if you happen to have to know that day and I must’ve just had a blank expression on my face and she was like we can go ahead and bump it up to 10 servings of protein and she increased the grain and decreased the dairy because I’m not doing so great on meeting the dairy exchanges anyway. She said something about nuts and that she was allergic to peanuts and I was like wait really? I said that I had brought her a peanut butter muffin but apparently that’s not an option and she was like oh that was really sweet but yeah I’m allergic to peanuts I had adult onset peanut allergy and she said that she had a little bit of signs before but then one time she ate it and got sick and it was just a pretty scary feeling so she took Benadryl and then got allergy tested and found out she was allergic to she can’t have it. I said that sucks and she was like it wasn’t anaphylactic or anything and I was like yeah but it’s still scary I can I can empathize there with some of my allergic reaction‘s. She was like sounds like your rigidity around your parents with food our old messages and I think you need to really write them a letter and I was like I totally did and she was like I saw that you had written something down but I wasn’t sure what it was and I was like yeah that was my homework and she was like that’s right and I was like I always do my homework that’s assigned to me and she was like I want to read it to me and so I ended up reading it all out loud it was pretty long and when I was done I was surprised because she said that was so beautiful and I was anticipating her being like by your parents are bat shit crazy but she apparently thought the whole ending to it was beautiful about when I want to do to take care of myself and she asked if she can make a copy of it and I said sure why not. She said she thinks that I really need to read that letter to Lynn and I must’ve looked pretty blank because she said do not feel comfortable talking to her about these things well they will surely knows about all of that but in general I try to avoid eating disorder topics because we need to sort of therapist and then I feel like it’s awkward because then she brings up seeing a specialist with it she does already know the things I mentioned and she was like well what about the aspect of what you were doing to take care of yourself and I think she knows about that she knows that I’m here and everything. I said that Lynn definitely knows about how my parents are and the memories that I mentioned and Peggy was like it sounds like your parents are honestly really self-absorbed and narcissistic and I was like yeah that’s my husband says to and she was like there’s this great book the Wizard of Oz and all of its narcissistic people or something and she suggested that I read it and said that she’s given to many clients over the years who had similar parents who were like mine and she said that her own parents were pretty narcissistic and so she can empathize and that book really helped her. She said that she thought it would help me and then I would see my parents throughout the book a lot and that she gets the sense that I’ve done a lot of work in putting boundaries in other areas of my life with them but when it comes to food there are just really no boundaries and they’re still sort of playing those rolls of telling me what to do and what not to do. I said yeah that definitely makes sense. And then I can relate to that. She said she knows that we gain is going to be hard but that it’s not really optional at this point and I said I know and she said I have so many things that I’m working towards and I said I just wish that it wasn’t all going straight to my stomach because I already hate my stomach but I understand it’s my body’s way of trying to protect my organs and she was like exactly but that will go away and it will distribute. I was like yeah I just wish it would go quicker because I absolutely hate feeling like I look pregnant. She also asked if there were any moments of last week that I had felt proud of myself at all and I said well sort of because yesterday I am and I did do every meal and snack and then also I said that I mean I got over my meltdown about not having corn and was flexible enough to just use polenta even though it’s totally not the same thing at all but it’s something. I said also the fact that I had eaten lunch on Sunday even though I had coffee because usually if I have coffee that I feel sick and I don’t want to eat and she was like so we know that usually use coffee to avoid eating because about makes you feel and I was like well not exactly but while I’m studying for this exam I need something to help me focus and it’s pretty much like my options are either coffee or Concerta and Concerta leaves me not wanting to eat and coffee makes me feel too sick to eat and she was like well there’s also tea have you tried that and I was like well sort of but it seems like T is never as effective as coffee or Concerta and she was like well if you know that the coffee’s gonna make you too sick to eat you could always just take the Concerta and eat and I was like I mean yeah I guess I could just do that and she was like you know opposite action and I was like look at you knowing your DBT skills and she was like oh we did them in those groups at the treatment center all the time and she was like come on radical acceptance you have to gain weight you have to make yourself eat and I was like yeah that’s true I could just do that. She pointed out that I wasn’t eating breakfast and she looked panicked because there was totally only 10 minutes left and I was like oh yeah and she was like you need to eat that and so I took it out and then I ate all of the fruit and she ended up saying at the end where she was like I know you eat all of your fruit but I’m trusting that you’re going to eat the other stuff in the car and I was like I will I purposely made sure to eat the fruit because I know that’s not something you can really eat easily in the car and she was like I didn’t know if you were just trying to eat all the fruit first because a lot of people do you service will try to fill up on the fruits and vegetables first and I was like oh yeah I most definitely do that every time and she was like well that’s a food ritual and I was like yeah I guess I hadn’t really thought of that. She had asked about any food rituals and I was like honestly I don’t think so but my husband might say otherwise and she was like well what would he say and I was like I mean he would probably say that I take way too long to actually plan out my meals because I end up just so rigid and trying to make sure that everything fits perfectly and that I end up at the grocery store far too often and she was like oh why is that happening and I was like I don’t know I think partially because I’m so inflexible and it’s like I end up thinking about a certain food that I end up wanting and then I think about it all day long and then I have to go to the grocery store to get it and then I’ll go get it and I’ll just wander aimlessly through The isles looking at what’s actually there until I eventually realize that I’ve wasted a bunch of time for no reason and go home and make the thing I was thinking I was originally going to make and she just sort of looked at me with this like sad but empathetic sort of frown and said I think your body is hungry baby you have to eat. And part of me just wanted to cry right there but I held it together and said maybe. She reminded me that I have permission to eat and permission to eat even more servings of anything that I want. She reminded me that food does not have an agenda and that it has literally been put on this earth to nourish our bodies and that’s it no further questions. She went through her usual series of questions about behaviors and asked if any other behaviors had sort of ramped up and I said no but that I had went running on Sunday and she asked how long and I was like I only just a mile and she was like I have a feeling he went running because you didn’t weigh yourself of the weekend and I was compensatory and she kept talking so I didn’t really get a chance to defend it because it wasn’t necessarily compensatory as much as it was that I was feeling really physically anxious and I hate that feeling and running does actually help that go away but whatever. She asked me about challenging my flexibility this week and she was like maybe it’s not calorie counting maybe it’s going to the grocery Store list or challenging yourself with a certain food or something and I was like or like picking whatever I actually want to eat instead of what the right thing is supposed to be when my husband and I go to this dinner theater over the weekend? She literally threw up her hands and said how excited she was for that and how she gets so happy for people when they get sassy with her eating this order and pick what they want and not what they’re eating disorder wants. I said I could manage that. She mentioned something about having to train my brain to learn that food isn’t going to cause cancer and I can eat and nothing will happen and I was like omg I ate so much white rice and pop tarts when I first got out of treatment and she was like I see that all the time where previously restricted foods become the thing you want all the time. She went and made copies of everything, and I grabbed my stuff and walked out.

[yesiknowitsunhealthy]

I just took my measurements with a tape measure, and damn.

chest: 40DD

waist: 43″

hips: 48″

height: 5′ 11″

weight: 263

BMI: 36.7

My mom announced a few days ago that she was going to give up pop after drinking a lot of it, almost to the exclusion of anything else, for at least a decade. It scares the shit out of me to say anything to them but I think if she’s gonna make a change I can be supportive of that and it is a decent time to say I will also make a change so please don’t comment or criticize me.

Now, yes, I do fully acknowledge that I tend toward eating disorders and I’m embarking on this with the intention of losing large amounts of weight very quickly with no regard for my health. I’m basically acknowledging that I’m about to move into the active phase of an eating disorder and asking people to leave me alone, though of course I’ll be hiding that I’m doing ED shit. 

I only intend to do disordered shit until I get the results I want, though. I need to get down to 155 lbs, so I need to lose 108 lbs. Theoretically it’s healthy to lose up to 2 lbs a week so I could do that in a year and be legitimately healthy. Last time I lost a bunch of weight I lost about 60 lbs in about 4.5 months. 

The nice thing is that my second vaccination is coming up in a few weeks, spring is on its way, and my parents (or at least my mom) are ok with me going to the gym (and even to unspecified church services!?) after I’m vaccinated and those places open. The gym has actually been open, but I digress. I didn’t ask permission, I said I wanted to do it and be mindful that they live here too, and she said it’s all good. So that’s some relief.

I legitimately do feel little/no hunger for a while after a workout, so that makes it easier. If I work out after my shift ends, I’m not hungry between getting home and going to bed. I eat my breakfast slurry and I eat my mug of ramen for lunch, and that’s it, that’s all I’m hungry for. 

I should have this memorized by now, but the breakfast slurry (290 calories) is two scoops of pea protein powder (240 calories) and two teaspoons of fiber powder (50 calories) in 28 oz of water. I think I’ve gotta drink that whole thing before I take my medicine (psych meds, multivitamin, and electrolyte supplements) because otherwise I get nauseous. A mug of ramen is 380 calories and having that at lunch helps me make good choices about not stuffing myself later in the day, plus it’s a lot of sodium. 10 calories of gum gives my teeth and jaws something to work on so I don’t look like a toothless old man. All in all it’s 680 calories. At minimum I burn that many off in getting my 10k steps in (or however many I need to do) but I like to burn off 1000 so that if I do it all week, I lose two pounds without even taking the calories required to exist into account. If I can do more that’s great but it’s just a bonus. 

I also should have memorized how much potassium and magnesium I’m supposed to take to not fuck up my heart, and I guess that’s 300-400 mg each daily, which for mean means 3 potassium pills and 1 magnesium pill along with my psych meds and multivitamin.

In short, my ideal daily intake (680 calories) is as follows:

2 scoops pea protein powder (240 calories)

2 tsp fiber powder (50 calories)

297 mg potassium

665 mg magnesium (maybe every other day for this?)

psych meds as prescribed

1 multivitamin

1 packet ramen (380 calories)

2 pcs gum (10 calories)

water as desired

I’ve never been diagnosed with an eating disorder and I don’t want to be, but it’s pretty obvious that if this isn’t an Eating Disorder (tm), it’s certainly disordered eating. 

The hard part is really the behavioral component, breaking the habit of eating out of boredom or habit or compulsion. I have a really hard time doing that without making a compulsion out of eating as little as possible, exercising too much, and losing weight as rapidly as possible. Like, once I get to 155 lbs and live independently, I need to talk to a dietician to find out how the fuck I’m supposed to eat. I’m willing to trade the overeating compulsion for the weight loss compulsion, I know and accept the risks. In fact I’m unwilling to not engage in one of the two while I still live here, and I’m unwilling to not engage with the disordered eating one specifically as I try to lose weight. 

I will not commit to not engaging in disordered eating. I will commit to following the instruction of my surgeons before the surgery and while I recover, and I will commit to consulting a dietician once I meet my weight goal. 

[theretirementstory]

Good afternoon, it’s bright, sunny, 7c and I have almost had my nose frozen off on my walk! There is definitely a “bite” to that breeze.

I am late today because I have been to the “Fete sans frontière” in town. It’s a place where migrants and refugees can come and sit down to a meal with French folk, talk, laugh have a dance, the only pre-requisite is that you take a dish which is a speciality of your country. I have attended three of these previously and have found that the majority of people had been migrants, like myself. Today I was very surprised to see a lot of refugees (a lot were people I know) as well as the usual migrants. I sat down at a table and I couldn’t take my eyes off a man on the next table, he looked very much like an old manager of mine (using old in a polite way as the guy is the same age as me!). Anyway I took a photo and sent it to a friend (she also worked with this man) she immediately messaged back saying “ that made me laugh out loud!” Well, they do say we all have a doppelgänger in this world. Anyway, back to the Fete. It was lovely, watching the children and young people up dancing, even my friend Anie left her seat to have a dance around. Unfortunately, I had to leave before the end, as one tablet I am taking is affecting my digestive system every day around the same time…….I will have to highlight this to the doctor as it is not particularly nice and it leaves me feeling rather tired.

So what had this last week offered me, apart from the usual washing, cooking and relaxing? I have been out for my walks, I do that in the morning, as I found out today that it is no good trying to have your walk in the afternoon when you are having terrible tummy ache. I had my annual bill from EDF telling me how much gas/electric I had used, how much I had paid, the amount owing or due for refund……… yes I had overpaid so was due a refund, that was in my bank within two days!!! I went to see the doctor, all I really got from her was a prescription to see a dietician! I then called at Anie’s and took her Xmas presents, she was pleased with her gifts. When I said that I may not go to the Fete today, because I couldn’t bake anything, she said I could take some satsumas or apples. I took her advice and took satsumas and bananas, old and young were happy to take a piece of fruit along with their dessert, so it was a good idea.

I am still awaiting reimbursement of payments I made for medical treatment when my “carte vitale” wasn’t working. Of course it would be two items which I don’t have photocopies of. Typical! I have arranged an appointment with a person from the office this week. Wish me luck!

The early part of next week looks busy and we are due SNOW, well that’s what météo is predicting, fingers crossed it doesn’t materialise.

This week “The Daddy” has had to stand in, three times, for the manager at work. My grandchildren are well although my grandson still doesn’t seem to have got himself into a good sleeping routine. It will come, I am sure.

“The Paralegal” has a friend with a cock-a-poo, I can’t remember the dogs name, somehow “Eric” springs to mind! As you can guess “The Paralegal” is just so besotted with the dog. Quick update, the dogs name is Vinnie! Work at his home has been ongoing, the plasterer has been working his magic. Hopefully not too much longer before he is moved in.

I would just like to add this poem because I like it!

“Leisure” by W H Davies

“What is this life if, full of care,

We have no time to stand and stare.

No time to stand beneath the boughs

And stare as long as sheep or cows.

My young friend Pauline is in town until she is accepted for an internship. She sent off 40 letters, enclosing her CV, yesterday alone. She said she would come and visit me, it was later than we had both expected when she arrived, but that really didn’t matter. I gave her the Xmas gifts I had wrapped up and she was excited that they were wrapped, then she opened each one, 4 in total. She was so pleased with the gifts. Apart from myself, I have never seen anyone so pleased to receive a diary and the makeup brushes made up for the ones she had lost when moving back to France from Italy. All in all I was very pleased with my choices.

I almost forgot to say, Monique’s twin granddaughters are a year old today…… I am hoping that I will see them sometime in February. I love to see how much they have developed since the last time I saw them. So I will wish them both a very Happy Birthday!

I will wish you bonne soirée, jusqu’à semaine prochaine.

[australian-desi]

Qurbaan Hua ~ Episode 2: Of Flowers, Doctors and Evil Family Members

Helloooo, I totally didn’t abandon liveblogging this show because of my lack of ability to balance my life and also because I really could not make myself do it, but now I’ve finished 1 year of uni and I feel like I should be able to do this now, but I also have a habit of starting things and not following through with them so we shall see how this adds up. Now that this self depreciating rant is over, welcome back to Qurbaan Hua a show I am watching just for Karan Jotwani, his face, body, mind and spirit. Also because it’s been a while since I’ve watched an extremely toxic man and wonder how this one’s gonna outdo the rest???? I need a better hobby. 

Also I will be liveblogging this episode, and the last week, coz otherwise, it will take too long, but I will make posts here and there if something aggravates me enough. 

So anyway lets get this show on the road 

Just a quick recap for me and the rest, we left off at the girl (whose name we do not know as yet), sitting in a bus next to Neil, who prayed to god that he would never see her again coz she’s a ‘teekhi as shezwan sauce’, to his utter disbelief his seat is next to hers, they have a spat over the window seat, and coz he’s assigned that seat, she gives in. After that some goons appear in the bus to kill her as she saved some kids from their boss, and Neil, in typical tellywood style, claimed her as his wife

Also Neil is a the token family disappointment coz he decided to become a professional chef rather than the head pandit, he has a sister that could give Anjali competition and she is also preggers and has a shady husband. 

Now we can truly get this show on the road:

I have truly forgotten how our girl got sindoor on her forehead but it is working towards this whole “husband saves wife” ting 

OMG I CANNOT THE GOONS DO NOT LOOK SCARY IN THE SLIGHTEST

Also she warned Neil that they are ‘very dangerous’ and he’s reassured her by telling her to play along

“Sorry madam humein bola tha ke uss ladki ne peela suit pehna tha aur kunwari thi, lekin aap ki toh shaadi ho chuki hai” LOLLLL SO THEY KNOW WHAT SHE’S WEARING AND HER MARITAL STATUS BUT DO NOT KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE, TF?????

“Haan humein shaadi ko 6 mahine ho gaye hai” “LEKIN BHAI-JI PICHLE 6 MAHINO SE ISSNE MERA JEENA HARAM KARDIYA HAI” loving this overacting ki dukaan and the whole ins and outs of their “marriage” that the bus now knows

The goon is even like “bitch I’m out”

omfg she’s trying to thank him, and he’s all up on his high horse. Just takes the thanks and move on, why you gotta be all up with the ego (also I’m not gonna post anymore photos or we’ll literally be here all day, screencaps will be back once I’m upto date)

And he’s calling her shezwan sauce again coz she’s always getting him into musibats and “shezwan sauce ka kaam hi yeh hota hai... seene mein aag lagana” ALSO FYI THIS IS THEIR SECOND MEETING SO TRULY WTF, (but I’m also here for this) 

ohhh sifaljiya means sar dard without ilaaj (aww they’ve given each other nicknames how cute)

HAHAHAH HE SAID SAME TO YOU AND SMIRKED

I like his sass 

So she’s come home after 3 months, to see her baba, who is overweight? and she’s his dietician because looking after your parents is directly correlated with sanskaar 

Also coz she’s smart she’s realised that she’s gonna meet him again so this would be enjoyable and she wants to get rid of all ehsaan he has on her so they never meet again 

basically I spoke too soon coz she genuinely thinks a simple thankyou will stop them from meeting again

And he’s gone

OMG I THOUGH THEY WONT SEE EACH OTHER BUT THEY DID SO OMLLLLL

Nice touch with the masjid and the mandir in opposing directions, and her turning away from him to pray and now they’re facing in opposite directions towards their faiths, I’m gonna guess that’s their major conflict 

ALSO WHAT DID I TELL Y’ALL IN THE LAST LB, THIS FLOWER WILL BLOOM BECAUSE OF THESE TWO, SO SUCK ON THAT NEIL’S DAD

Also welcome to the beginning of another toxic yet addictive ‘love story’

So her dad is a carpenter of sorts

Also he looks quite skinny so what was the fat shaming for?????

WE FINALLY HAVE A NAME - CHAHAT BAIG? 

No, he’s a gynaec and carpentry is a ‘shaunk’ 

Oh no, I see where this is going, god fucking dammit dave (yes I talk in tiktok now)

So she’s become his ‘doctor’ when he’s an actual doctor, also he’s asking her questions that a fkn year 7 kid would know the answers to 

And now they’ve ‘earned’ each other’s hugs how normal and sweet

She has come first in MBBS - I’m actually really proud

Also, I would like to give this show a shoutout for actually giving me a female lead who is more educated than the male lead. Like all the other shows I’ve watched, except for Kaisi Yeh Yaariaan (which I don’t consider mainstream ITV) and EDKV (but even in that Shravan was more educated than Suman), the female leads weren’t even college graduates and finally there’s one who has a MBBS. 

And we have someone named ‘Ghazala’ who makes it seem she is a sore spot for Chahat

And ofcourse we are back to the dramatic poojas and saying manhoos things to poison the dad’s brain against his own son

HOW MANY GODDAMN MANDIRS DOES THIS HOUSE HAVE 

What is this random relative, who sometimes cosplays to be blind, sometimes ties his feet together

Also why is this family so dramatic about him being a little late

What if mans had an accident, or he got hurt, or he died? But nah, mans is just disrespectful and hates his family and god 

There is not one family member maybe except for Anjali2.0 who I care for and she’s gonna die 

omg not again with this idiot calling her Sarasti and he’s been declared as the rightful next head priest

And ofcourse Shyam1.5 (coz he’s not as badass as the original), is going to be all fake and be like “noooo, Neil is the rightful owner of this position” etc. etc.

The dad is predictably blinded by his whole act and asking him how can he be so selfless 

Now we have cut back to Ghazala???? who has all these women getting her ready like its the 1600s (one of them is called Shabnam, which is my mum’s name so this is awks) 

It’s the heavy urdu and obsession of beauty for me 

She’s the evil stepmother.tm 

Why are these tv dads either sooooo dumb, soooo cunning or soooo dead, like can’t there be a normal tv dad who is alive and smart and loving 

like this whamen is playing him, and he’s a bloody doctor and he’s letting it happen

Also I ain’t seen itv female leads with alive parents, always one or both of them gotta be dead

LOLLL IN TRUE SNOW WHITE FASHION, THE MIRROR ON THE WALL (I.E. MAIDS) HAVE SAID CHAHAT IS 10X PRETTIER THAN HER STEP MUM 

It’s the mirror breaking and the Mrs. Baig, for me 

HAHAHHA SHE THOUGHT THAT CHAHAT WAS GOING IN FOR THE HUG, BUT SHE’S ACTUALLY GONE TO SEE THE NAME PLAQUE THINGY HER DAD HAS MADE FOR HER 

And the Kedarnath soundtrack is back 

Our mans has finally come, and picked up his sister, scaring her in the process

Awww I’m actually devastated that their killing Anjali2.0 off, I like her bond with Neil (no matter how co-dependent/toxic it may be)

Why is Ghazala, a grown adult woman, jealous of her husband’s kid, that is weird and creepy

I love the whole my name is Chahat Rahil Baig because without my dad, I have no identity etc. but does she not realise, that Baig is also given to her from her dad????

LOLLLL THE DRAMATICS OF SEEING SINDOOR IN HER HAIR (umm surely this isn’t that serious of a situation, she could literally just say idk) 

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this, I will be liveblogging here and there, but proper liveblogs will happen when I’ve caught up. I hope all of you are happy, safe and well!

[arfidy-cat]

If you don’t mind answering, what is ARFID treatment like (in your experience)? I’m probably going to be getting treatment soon so it’d be nice to know. Thanks and you’re an inspiration to me (eating hummus, what a freaking champion).

Hi, thanks so much!!  For the compliment and for asking a question. I’m so happy to answer and I’m glad I can be an inspiration!  (Apologies for the delay in a response, I had to think this one over!)

So I really am enjoying my recovery program!  It’s challenging but it’s challenging in a way that I am comfortable with and where progress is actually attainable!  I go to a Center for Discovery facility and I enjoy it and would recommend it!  But if you’re searching for a program, just see if they have a ARFID or ED-NOS/OSFED section, I think you can visit and see if you’re a good fit for the program if you’re hesitant.  

So first to get into the program, I filled out an online application talking pretty in depth about my medical history/past trauma and the application was a little intense, but they had a counselor debrief with me after filling it all out, checking in to make sure I was feeling okay which I was impressed with.  I was accepted and they recommended partial hospitalization for me.  Residential programs are an option too but wouldn’t have worked for me in my current situation - (I work part time and am not willing to leave my job.)

It does get complicated because ARFID is still a new diagnosis and it may be possible that if you were to go to treatment, the professionals may or may not have worked with someone with ARFID.  If thats the case, there might be some trial and error of what works and doesn’t for you.  Communicate and be patient with staff, they’ll always try to accommodate your needs when they’re in reason!  

But once you’re actually a program, here’s some things to be aware of:

ARFID is actually more in your head (as opposed to bodily sensations) than you would think.  At least for me.  I’ve just now realized this after over 2 months of treatment.  Might not be true for everyone but I gotta mention it just for consideration.  I hate the whole “it’s all in your head” that (mostly ignorant) people would say to any mentally unwell person.  So I’m not trying to say this as in invalidating thing, but just for people to be aware of.  I can write more on this because I have a hard time with this subject because it challenged my eating disordered thinking SO MUCH that it kind of warped reality.  It’s left me in a bit of a whirlwind.  

Motivation is important.  You gotta want something better for yourself and be dedicated to changing habits.  It won’t be super fast but you can push yourself slowly and this will grow exponentially over time! 

Practice and patience is key!  You won’t wake up tomorrow craving salad, BUT you’ll give it a few good tries and soon this won’t be a scary meal at all and voila! You have a new food that you’re comfortable with when you’re going to an unfamiliar restaurant. 

I haven’t disliked many of the foods that I’ve tried.  Typically I have neutral feelings at first and then it grows on me.  Like hummus!  I first had hummus with pita chips first and I wasn’t feeling it.  Maybe a month or so later, my dietitian asked if I thought I could try dips for things!  I had it at a snack a second time and was like “whatever. i guess I’ll eat it” But then I started craving it.....and I started really liking it!! I bought it at home even!  Give foods a few tries before you decide anything about it.  Unless you absolutely hated it but that’s only happened to ONE meal out of many while in treatment. Even if I did hate it, I was okay and wasn’t hurt by it.

Fact checking with a dietician or staff member.  For example, we have restaurant night sometimes.  I ordered a cheeseburger, (which I’ve never had before.)  I saw a little pink in the meat and got disgusted/worried/preoccupied.  So I asked the dietitian to come over and she explained to me the cooking process, that it has to be a certain temperature and that it looks totally edible/normal.  I ate more after I got to fact check with her.  Challenge that ARFID voice inside of yourself and decide that you’re going to listen to reason, not eating disorder logic.  

I’m going to make some more posts on the subject soon but I didn’t want to keep you waiting too long.  I can go over what my first days of treatment were like and how I’ve been progressing.  Treatment is so worth it and please reach out if you need support or have more questions! 

[thegastricadventure]

Packing!

I’m a bit anal retentive. I am very guilty of making lists upon lists upon lists and packing between 2-4 times just to ensure I have everything. It will get progressively worse as time creeps closer to my dead line or appointment. I am honestly this way about almost everything I do though.

So onto the packing section of this blog. I figure I am skipping around and missing things, but I started this a week out from my surgery so you are going to go down the hysteria bouts I go through and my thought process. This evening was the start  of packing my bag.

About a week ago when I found out my insurance had approved me, so my worry level sky rocketed! I started making lists and going to various sites and looking up packing lists. I began to compare them to each other and my own changing, tweaking and removing things and adding things as needed. I needed to remember I am going to the hospital not a spa vacation. I didn’t need to bring four outfits, even more so if I was only staying  one night and two days.

Was I going to bring my laptop? Could I just get away with my tablet? Do I bring a book or my switch? Do I bring work with me? Should I bring straws? Do I need this? Do I need that?

It is/was stressful! So I decided to approach this as if I’m going to a shoot of mine that has me on the ground for 26 hours. That made it a lot simpler. You bring what you are wearing the day of, something for night time and something clean and sanitary for the next day if needed.

The next thing was a bag. I didn’t need my carry on. That seemed a bit excessive. I didn’t want to bring a purse, but I guess I would if needed to. So as I have said in previous posts I am involved in Girl Scouts. This last year my daughter and myself both were part of the S’mores Club (it is an award for selling cookies and fall stuff every year). Last year’s reward was a hoodie and an overnight bag. It was the perfect size!! So I have the vessel picked and now onto clothing.

When you are going to the hospital you have to make sure everything you take with you is washed, sanitized and if you are me, put into a bag to keep germs from touching and such because I am having surgery and I am not getting an infection!! --- Okay maybe I wouldn’t go that far but I did clean my clothes and put them straight into the bag after making sure I had everything together.

So what clothing did I pack? Well it took a while, but I think I whittled it down to the base of what I feel I need.

2 Socks

1 Non-slip Socks

2 Pants/Shorts

2 Shirts

3 Underwear

1 Long Sleeve Shirt

Extra Mask

Winter Hat

Now, lets into why I ended on this list. I live in the Rockies. Well I actually live in the plains that lead to the Rockies. My surgery is taking place in the Foothills (the start of the mountains). So I had to adjust some of my list as we got 14″ of snow a few days ago. So I decided the hat and the long sleeve shirt were a must. The last thing I needed was to get sick right after getting my stomach cut on.

Non-slip socks I think speak for themselves. If I could get away with being barefoot in the hospital I totally would! However, they kind of frown on that, I learned all about that when I got my tonsils taken out and had to stay the night because of oxygen levels. The other socks are for the same reason as the long sleeve shirt, being cold blows.

I am taking one pair of pants and a pair of shorts. While I know I am not going to be with it, I do know I sleep hot. If my knee reconstruction surgery taught me anything it was I could not cool down at night. So shorts were a must and so was the pants for when I went home.

Shirts and underwear, you need to keep the stomach area clean and change things that absorb sweat and oils. Like I have stressed before you don’t need an infection at any time, let alone right after you had surgery.

So that rounded out what I packed for clothes.

Toiletries was probably the hardest for me. I have a lot of things I do everyday for my skin care and I realized I probably won’t be able to do everything. So I went back and forth over everything I wanted to bring and what I wanted to do the longest, seconded only by electronics! What can I say I love me some gadgets, but we will get to this soon!

It took a few days, but I finally got down to what I thought was the base needs for me. You don’t have to follow this if you don’t need all of it but it is what I felt I needed.

Tooth Brush

Mouth Wash

Water Pik

Tongue Scraper

Deodorant

Face Wipes

Moisturizer

Lotion

Lip Balm

Shampoo (From Hospital)

Brush

Hair Ties

Wipes

Hand Sanitizer

Body Spray

Tweezers

Nail Clippers

Whew, that seems like a lot, even writing it down a second time!

Most of this seems pretty basic right? Tooth care, brushes, shampoo and hand sanitizer. Now lets go through and look at the stuff that people will question, at least I did when I was packing it and writing things down

Face wipes, Moisturizer, Lotion and Lip Balm. These four things seem the oddest to me since I am going into a hospital but let me explain it. First, I have oily skin. I rarely break out but when I do it is under high stress environments and this is pretty stressful. Since I can’t bring my whole skincare routine I figured getting the oil off and putting on my sleep mask/moisturizer would at least be a good second. I use these on planes so why wouldn’t it work here? The Lotion and Lip Balm have two reasons and both are pretty much related. I live in the High Plains Desert, yay grasslands am I right? It’s also winter so the lack of moisture leaves your hands on the drier side sometimes, same with your lips. So instead of dealing with chapped lips or cracking finger nail beds this seems like a must have anyway. The other reason is at a hospital the air is even drier and it is very sterile. You may need it, so have it ready.

Body Spray, Wipes, Tweezers and Nail Clippers, Well, I want to smell good and if I am super sweaty I may not have the ability to take a shower so I am at least able to wipe myself down a little bit to make myself at least feel less sticky and gross. The tweezers and nail clippers are just because you never know when you could get a hang nail or need to pluck something! 

I put all of these things in their own little packing bag. My daughter bought me one earlier this year for my purse (since I have almost all of these things carried in my purse at any given time) that gives a tie-dyed feel and says “Good Vibes” I figured she’d appreciate knowing that was the one I chose to bring.

We now move onto electronics. Oh be still my heart, this was enough to pull my hair out. What all do I bring?! So I made my choices and I am going to stick with them by golly!!

Tablet

Phone

Switch

Wireless Earbuds

Wired Earbuds (back ups for above)

Power Bank

Various Cords

Ext. Cord with extra outlets (and USB slots)

I’m not going to get too far into this, only because I know that everyone has their own needs, wants and desires. These are mine. I decided that I didn’t need my laptop for a night, but I also am aware that I could be stuck there for 2-4 extra days depending on things. I can live with all of this as my fix to stave off the tedium. I do however suggest if you bring wireless headphones you bring wired backups. I say this even if every day stuff, you never know when/if a battery will die, if you phone or whatever will refuse to connect. Save yourself the headache, bring a back up! The other thing, stores sell these little 3′ extension cords that had three outlets and 2 usb slots. Put it in your carry on or throw it in your school backpack. It helps so  much, plus you could be someone's hero having an extra outlet for them to use.

Oh! Much like my toiletries have their own bag, all my cords have their own too. Plus little twist ties/rubber bands to keep everything together. It helps to keep things organized!!

The other things I bring don’t really fit in any of the other categories above. So let me list those as well. I have explanations for some of them but the rest are a just because reason.

Book

Mints

Oil Rollers

Lavender Oil

Tea Bags

Water Bottle

Straws

Hot Water Bottle

Throw

Pillow

Glasses

The book is there because I get really tired of staring at a screen sometimes. It is nice to have a change every now and again. Mints, well I know I can’t have them right away but I take them with me all the time. I can offer them to people if I have to. I feel weird not packing gum but at least these are enough to offset that. Oil Rollers and Lavender Oil, the oil rollers I have go on your wrist or neck. I have brought two, both are made to help relax you. The lavender oil is for the same thing, but I will probably put that on my pillow or throw to help keep me calm and such. I do have a special bag for the oils and such to go into, so they are easy to find for myself or anyone else.

The later bit of this list is a smidge easier to explain. The water bottle is because prior to the surgery I drink about 120 oz of water a day. I always have a water bottle near me, sometime I have 2-3 near me. I love my water bottle and this works for me to remember to keep sipping on water. Nothing is worse than getting dehydrated. The straws are there because I was told to bring some. It will help when you go on liquids the second day, or at least that it what my dietician said. She was also acutely aware that the nurses hate giving them to people. So why not bring my own? The tea is all peppermint tea, it is one of the few things you are allowed to drink after surgery, plus it can help with an upset stomach if you need it! I do also have a bag for the tea and the straws so I can keep them together! It makes my life easier this way.

The hot water bottle, throw and pillow are all for my comfort. I have to cover my stomach when coughing and I want to have something that is mine with me. The hot water bottle can help after moving around and when riding home in the car. I read a few other blogs that suggested it and it made sense! So that is what I am gonna do.

Glasses are well, just glasses. I don’t need them to read or to wear, I just wear them when I am working on electronics. I don’t like getting headaches and it does help to prevent that!

The must haves list is what I am required to bring with me to the hospital. It is pretty short and to the point really.

Three ring binder (with all the information & books in it)

Medication List

Spirometer

My medication list is always in my binder so that works for me, however you may not be as anal as I am and keep everything written in one place. I do suggest you do it, it makes keeping paperwork together easy!

The final list is what are you wearing to the hospital. Mine is short, sweet and to the point.

Pants

Socks

Undies

Bra

Shirt

Sneakers

Mask

Wallet

Jacket

Hat

Sun Glasses

Watch

My jacket has zipper pockets I can put my watch, glasses, mask and wallet into, I have another pocket I can put my hat into as well. It makes it simple and easy. Plus I won’t have to bring a purse with me! One last thing to keep track of

The final thing I would suggest if you are coming to/staying at the hospital alone (which is my case since COVID hit) is bring a simple luggage lock for your bag. It won’t stop anyone from possibly walking off with your bag, but it could stop them from going through it and taking anything. Password or finger print protect all your electronics if you can. Other than that have a safe day and quick recovery!