try-and-try-and-try-again

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

Vent - sorry (TW SH but no specifics)

I can't stop thinking. I don't know how to. I can't calm myself down.

I am physically safe now but I did something violent to myself and it will probably leave marks that I won't be able to hide if I go out and do the things I was supposed to do tomorrow.

I feel stupid and monstrous and ashamed, and many many other things that I am angry at myself for that I can't write succinctly.

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

Silly AN-driven rant ahead (sorry)

I (perhaps irresponsibly) stayed out late at the pub with someone after a rehearsal. I wanted an excuse not to go back to where I live straight away. I left when it was still light and walked back. It was dark when I got back though, partly becuase I'm really good at underestimating how long I have to get to places and kept procrastinating from leaving, and partly becuase I met a reallt friendly cat on my walk back.

When I got in it was nearly 10pm and the support worker on asked if I'd had dinner or not. I said I hadn't so she got me to make my dinner. I was shaking and wanted to cry through doing this, becuase it was so much later than my usual dinner time. And I didn't even feel hungry, or tired for that matter. I wished I had lied and said I'd already eaten. I didn't feel like I needed to, the prospect of doing so was stressing me out, and I could have definitely got away with it. Yet I couldn't bring myself to lie. And I couldn't bring myself to be defiant and refuse to eat after admitting I hadn't yet.

I hate that I can't seem to lie about anything. Even if it's resulted in consequences I could see were likely but didn't want. And I hate that I can't assert myself and say no to people when it comes to pretty much anything at all. This is why on eating disorder wards they always told me I was doing so well, and was such a good patient - becuase no matter how much I wanted to I couldn't refuse to do things. It made me feel trapped in my own body. As if it was a stringed puppet that just did whatever the puppeteer did regardless of (in this case) the puppet having a brain that could think independently.

I suppose me not lying, and eating my very belated tea tonight should be a recovery win ED wise, but it doesn't feel like one, it just feels like I've failed to assert myself again.

Hidden extra disordered thoughts in my head now:

I can't stop thinking about the fact that I had such a stupidly long gap between lunch and dinner and didn't feel any sense of hunger, or faintness or tiredness. It makes me wonder why I have to eat 3 meals a day.

My AN started with me questioning whether eating lunch in the middle of the school day was actually necessary and deciding it wasn't becuase I could function without eating lunch. There were many factors of course, it wasn't that simple, but I suppose that was the start of the slippery slope of anorexic behaviours.

Now I feel like I want to go down that route again. I don't understand how I almost always feel physically awful and yet when I have a long gap of not eating I feel more clear minded and energetic than I have in ages.

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

doctors are NOT autonomically entitled to your respect just for existing

"you should just respect the doctor"

just because somebody is wearing a white coat doesn't mean they are endlessly entitled to do whatever the fuck they want.

you know who ACTUALLY deserves respect? PATIENTS AND THEIR AUTONOMY. being able to refuse medications (especially if the procedure isn't life saving) and to not being coerced/threatened into something they are not comfortable with.

i don't need tone policing . i don't need to be "doctorsplained" or "educated" on what standard protocol is. just respect my boundaries because at the end of the day I KNOW my body the best.

before my tilt table test i blatantly said i wasn't comfortable with being administered medication as i am consistently tachycardic upon standing, but instead i was told "you either take the drug or this whole test is inconclusive".

just for them to lo and behold not even need to use it bc it was so obvious on their monitor, and giving the drug didnt make sense bc i so clearly had pots. i was right all along because why wouldn't i be? ITS MY FUCKING BODY

it's the way healthcare systems are so fragile and reliant on patients being obedient, compliant, and passive that the second you actually voice a legitimate concern or ask for individualized care, you are treated like an "inconvenience to handle" instead of a real person with real fucking concerns and the right to informed care/autonomy.

it's exhausting, tiring, and i am sick of people acting like my tone is the problem when i am running on fumes and fighting on all fronts. i shouldn't be expected to perform politeness and gratefulness.

sick girls shouldn't have to beg and we don't owe anyone gratefulness or respect just for existing.

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

I'm not having a good time.

Trigger warning for dark thoughts.

Sorry.

I'm tired of trying (despite my username).

I'm having the kind of night where I'm regretting that I survived all the things I did over the past 9 years.

I'm full of regret and anger at myself that I'm still here.

I don't see a future I want to be in.

The things stopping me from acting on things are that I don't have the energy and that I know I will likely only end up in some medical setting with upset parents and patients who aren't getting all the help they could be getting if I wasn't there taking up space and resources.

I can never meet anyone's expectations. I don't know how I manage to convince other people that I'm a decent and competent person. I know being able to mask is a privilege but I'm wishing more and more that I couldn't mask. I mask out of fear of people knowing what I'm really like. And that fear is paralysing. I can't get over it even if I try.

I've had enough. I had had enough years ago.

I don't want to try. I want it to be over.

I'm sorry.

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

Why do they even make apps for ADHD. You want me to use my 24/7 handheld immediate distraction device? To manage my 'gets distracted too easily' disorder? Ooooh we developed the perfect tool for managing your anemia. Its hosted in Dracula's castle. 👍

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

The ehlers danlos syndrome person to historical costumer pipeline is or will be a thing and I shall explain why.

At some point one discovers that some sort of supportive structure around your torso feels incredibly comfortable and gives your tired muscles a rest. What’s the coolest and most non obtrusive torso bracing garment? A corset. Believe me when I say that when your torso has the structural integrity of a wet sack of jello, a tightly laced corset makes you feel like a god.

And because historical corsets tend to be more comfortable and are usually made with regular wear in mind, they are the natural choice.

Then you have the shoes. What shoes is someone with unstable ankles supposed to wear, you ask?Lace up boots, for stability. And due to their middle of the heel heel placement, historical lace up boots tend to be way more comfortable than the modern variety.Even the non healed ones, really. Couple that with the fact that Edwardian and Victorian boots are really really pretty…

And after the boots and the corset, it’s a very slippery slope.

Pretty soon you’ll be wondering how to hide your corset under your clothes for when an outer corset is not the vibe, and you’ll be buying yourself a corset cover. Or making one yourself. They’re a great starter project. But that looks weird with a fitted top so cool flowy blouse it is.

Then you realize wearing this with a skirt makes you feel intensely powerful but you don’t want to keep tripping over it so you add petticoats.

And then you realize your neck isn’t so great at holding up your head so you really need to find a hairstyle where your hair sits on top of your head instead of to the sides or to the back so that it’s balanced and you don’t get a neck ache. A high bun it is. Not too tightly, because your scalp is sensitive, but a high bun still works if you bobby-pin it in place.

And then one day, you look in the mirror and you’re dressed like Anne of Green Gables.

And you’ve never looked cooler.

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

09.05.25 // I'm really enjoying indoor climbing. I started going with my friend from uni who's been into it for a long time. I did my autobelay competency course 2 weeks ago and did a climbing session by myself. Then I had a pain flare up and was struggling to function for a week. Yesterday I went climbing with my friend again.

I surprised myself and when I was waiting for my friend at our meeting point, who was delayed by an hour, I got myself a snack alongside my usual cup of tea. It felt very wrong but I felt extremely tired and thought I could maybe justify it as something to energise me for climbing (I know in reality snacks shouldn't need to be justified).

Yesterday, after over a week of barely doing any physical activity I managed to climb two routes fairly easily that I'd massively struggled with and hadn't completed properly when I'd gone by myself the last time. Maybe giving myself a bit of extra fuel gave me the ability to perform better? I don't know. A large part of me wonders if it was coincidence, or just improving generally each time I climb.

I guess it's sort of a recovery win...

I do top rope climbing rather than bouldering as I'm not sure a sport that often involves free falling and hitting the ground with maximum force (even if it is soft ground) would be good with unstable joints and osteoporosis. The pain clinic were very enthusiastic about me doing this kind of climbing as it's low impact and strengthening. I also love the puzzle solving element of navigating routes.

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

re: your post about gender, try things out! you can try dressing in a more androgynous fashion, try out new pronouns, try new names, whatever feels good to you. there are no rules to queerness and figuring yourself out.

i started using she/they pronouns this month in my late 20s and everyone i’ve explained things to has been so receptive. it’s all about figuring things out one bit at a time! and if i ever chose to go back to she/her pronouns, i know that would be okay with them, too. hopefully you have loving and understanding people in your life who will support you, no matter who you find out you are.

all my love,

A (she/they)

I don't think I replied to this ask from a while ago, but I read it when it was sent to me and I really appreciated this person sending it - so thank you A. :)

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

i dont interact with ur blog at all but a pic of urs came up on my search and i gotta say i love the haircut, wish i had hair like urs 😙

That's so nice of you to say! :) Thank you!

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

IT'S EDS AWARENESS MONTH

Theres so much going on with the world, but I want to particularly shine a light on EDS this year. EDS (Ehlers-danlos-syndrome) is a series of connective tissue disorders. I have HEds, which used to be called "Type 3" back when I was originally diagnosed with it. Although there are a range of symptoms across the different types, its also worth noting that it affects people to different degrees. EDS, the joint instability, weakness, and chronic pain it causes are why I use a wheelchair in my day to day life - and are why I receive Scotlands version of PIP benefits. My wheelchair and these payments have changed my life. Not long ago I was bedbound most of the time, and couldn't work more than one day a week. Now I'm working regularly without significant pain, I am able to buy or rent tools that let me better look after myself and my home, and thanks to related schemes like bus passes, carer +1 cards ect I can go out to the cinema more easily, and spend time with loved ones. Without these accommodations and benefits I cannot do my job. I've been struggling emotionally lately with the weight of Labours constant attacks on demographics I'm a part of. They've come for disability assistance, they've come for legal Transgender protections. This is not a leftwing party, and that this is the state of the UK is outright depressing. I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to keep fighting for the life I've had to work and claw to have.

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

an edward bawden calendar 1930

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

30.04.25 // Coming out of the shadows and posting something different from my usual mess, and being vain and posting some selfies.

A weirdly consistent thing in my life I've noticed is that when everything is descending deeper into chaotic/going to pot I suddenly get an urge to experiment with my style. I guess it's a distraction more than anything. And maybe a desire for a fresh start of sorts - although sadly I can't get a fresh brain.

I was at my parents' today and I was sorting through things and found my old glasses that a couple of years ago I got so annoyed at the sensation of I stopped wearing, put them down and lost them as often happens when I put things down.

I decided to try wearing them today and bizarrely they feel less annoying than my current glasses. They feel lighter on my nose. Has my sensory perception changed? Since I was 15 and first got glasses I've flipped between finding metal glasses and plastic glasses more irritating to have on my face.

I like how my usual glasses look because they're my favourite colour but I'm wondering if I should start wearing these more again instead. I guess I could swap between them. I guess several people have multiple pairs of glasses. Also since I got round glasses and then a short haircut several people in different places have called me Harry Potter - I don't want to be associated with that author's work, it would be nice to escape that.

Going off topic, when my hair was long and bushy people called me Hermione, so I've never been able to escape the author's influence. But given her stance on trans people, I do enjoy the irony of having gone from looking like Hermione to Harry.

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

horrible adhd brain today couldn't do anything

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

I feel like my brain is on fire.

I want to cancel my social life.

I want to cancel most of the commitments I willingly gave myself.

No one in my social circle has upset me at all, and I don't not want to do any of the things I committed myself to do, I'm just really tired and I feel like my brain is extremely fried and I'm craving an empty bit of time with nothing to worry about.

Yet every time I do get a bit of empty time to rest my brain is left really bored and feeling like it's scratching itself raw.

I can't win.

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

12.04.25

I haven't looked at tumblr for nearly two weeks. Everything's a big mess. My social worker is looking for a new placement for me. I don't know when or where or if I'll move. I'm terrified about benefits reforms and feeling immense pressure to get a job and I don't know how. I don't know what job I could even do in my current situation.

Some positives came of this week though.

I got formally diagnosed with hEDS

I got diagnosed with combined ADHD

I managed to submit my essay for my most recent course on the day it was due in. Phew.

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

01.04.25: Weirdness

So I somehow seem to have formed a really close friendship with someone really quickly. It started online and we've met up 3 times and they've helped me with a lot of stuff. I really like them, they are a great person I think. But they are wanting to meet up and do things together so often that I'm feeling overwhelmed. I should be happy I've made a friend but suddenly I feel like there are too many people in my IRL social life and too many social obligations and having to interact face to face and mask. And it's just so complicated trying to stay on top of it.

Also I find it scary how quickly we've become friends. This almost never happens to me. It feels bizarre. Maybe it's a good thing but its suddenly made me feel completely overwhelmed and like everything changed.

I don't know what to od.

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

Why

We're already on month 4 out of 12 of this year. I told myself at the end of 2024 that things would settle down and be less chaotic and stressful in the new year. It still hasn't happened. 🥲