#I guess I’m feeling INCREDIBLY invalidated by… idk

[innocent-until-proven-geeky]

.

[dexchurch]

just rewatched “the gang dines out” and i cannot stop thinking about the interactions between mac and dennis.

first of all, they’re out for dinner every month which i know we’ve established as a fandom is great but i can’t even explain JUST HOW GREAT that is. that’s dedication to another person and to a relationship, especially to commit to a schedule for another person.

secondly, the implication of the domestic dispute over the karaoke machine?? why does dennis really not want it in their home? canonically mac isn’t that bad of a singer, at least i never thought so. weird that dennis got so pressed about it.

thirdly, mac trying so hard to focus on them having a good time is honestly incredibly reflective of the rest of their relationship henceforth. at least season 13 and 14, which i think is to say that when dennis is locked in on a certain goal, mac feels obligated to remind him to take time to remember things that might be more important. which makes me think in newer episodes of sunny, we haven’t reached a breaking point for mac like we had in that episode.

which leads me to my final point and the reason i wrote this post altogether: i LOVED seeing mac demand satisfaction from dennis. i loved watching him stand up in the restaurant and tell dennis that he was leaving since clearly dennis doesn’t appreciate him. all because dennis truly invalidated him during a moment that otherwise was considered sacred, based off of how highly they regard/look forward to that night every month.

i guess i just want to see what mac’s breaking point is this time. i want dennis to have to say something nice. if in this ep he acknowledged that he wouldn’t be brave enough without mac, i wonder what else he could say.

idk, maybe i’m being crazy but 😭😭 i just can’t get them out of my mind

[mental-health-advice]

Hey I was 45 days clean until I recently relapsed this weekend I don't understand why but it feels like my cuts are never deep enough I see all these people on this app and they cut so deep and it makes me wanna go deeper and deeper but iccsnt my blade is so blunt so quick and I'm so fed up of feeling invalid yet I'm kinda addicted to the app but I still hate how invalid it makes me feel and like no one realises om struggling until I actually cut deep and I have a bf who I talk to alot abt this sh stuff but I feel so bad and I don't wanna put jt all on him but idk what else to do

Hey there,

First of all, 45 days clean from self-harm is a fantastic achievement! Self-harm, or rather not self-harming can be really hard to stop and there will be many ups and downs and sometimes even slip ups now and again along the road, but it does not diminish any achievements you have already made, so please do keep this in mind and be proud of yourself for being 45 days clean because this is incredible!

It can be really detrimental to one’s mental health when it comes to comparing one person’s self-harm to another’s. I say this because even if you see someone’s self-harm wounds that are deeper than yours, it does not mean that they are in more distress or are more valid than you with how much pain they may be in. In actual fact, no matter however deep or shallow your self-harm wounds are, everyone’s pain is valid and a self-harm wound/ scar does not show an accurate description on how or what may be happening for the person who has done it. Sometimes, the smaller the self-harm wound/ scar can show that a person may be hurting a lot more as opposed to those who may self-harm deeper. I guess what I am trying to say is that just like not being able to judge a book by it’s cover, you also shouldn’t try to judge one person’s self-harm to another’s as both may be hurting equally as much but they show their pain very differently. Your pain is valid, how ever you may be feeling is valid and you self-harming is your way of coping and this is completely valid too. I know that you said that you are addicted to this app, but try not to judge one person’s self-harm to another’s as they can both mean two very different things.

It’s great that you mentioned that you have your boyfriend on whom you can talk to and depend on when you really need him to be there. But I can also hear how much you don’t want to continuously put everything on him which is a normal way to feel. I know that hearing this may be scary, but what are your thoughts on trying to speak to a counsellor or a therapist, even if it’s on the phone or via web counselling. Sometimes talking to a trained professional can be really helpful and can also help to ease the need for you to depend on your boyfriend if this is something that is concerning you. Completely up to you of course, but speaking to a professional may be really beneficial, so maybe just something to think about!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[fictionkinfessions]

recent anon made me think of it but man yeah the whole psychological and spiritual kin things make me v confused. i know that many of my kins aren’t really strong enough for me to worry about it, but for the ones that are, i really do get conflicted about definitions n all.

cuz like. i wouldn’t consider myself at all a spiritual person, i’ve never really thought of past lives or anything like that in general. but when it comes to my strongest kins, they are incredibly significant, certainly identifying “as”, memories and such, whatever criteria that usually applies to spiritual kin. and i have caught myself saying things like “in that life/in the past” etc, but when i think about it i still don’t know where i stand.

i guess i don’t have to strictly define it, but i will usually call those ones spiritual kins because like. i do feel like psychological kins are kind of. looked down upon…? or that they’re seen as less valid or significant than spiritual kin in some way. it just stresses me out, when i’m already confused and struggling to figure things out in general, and makes me feel overall wary of being open about kin things both with non kinners And kinners, for fear of being invalidated because it’s hard to define and box-in my experiences. idk!

#🫀🔥

'

[luvspence]

darling, you’re the one i want

spencer reid x reader

{im not quite sure this is how a song fic works but this is basically stolen from paper rings by taylor swift, i’m using the lyrics as like prompt one liner things?????? idk bare with me}

- 1,3,4 are mainly fluff but 2 is a lot of fighting and bickering

——-

i want to drive away with you

“do you ever feel”

you took a pause in the middle of your thought, spencer spun around in his chair to face you

“indeed, i do feel”

“shut up i’m thinking” you said as you laughed and slapped him on the arm

“do you ever feel like, trapped? like boxed in almost”

he chewed on the end of his pen

“i guess? elaborate”

“well, i love my life. i have no regrets. but sometimes i feel like just running into the streets and screaming and keep running and never stopping? just fleeing in a sense”

“yeah, i get that. sort of an intrusive liberating type thought”

“exactly” you said tapping your finger to yourself head, a few seconds of silence passed before you spoke again

“i want to drive away with you”

spencer looked at you in confusion

“you’re all i need, seriously. i love everything in our lives right now i do, but i could go without all of it, besides you”

he rolled his chair up next to your and caught your hand in his

“i’d get up right now, keys in the ignition, and i’d drive into nowhere with you y/n. you’re it for me”

——

i want your complications too

you chased spencer up the stair way

“spencer!”

he turned around

“listen to me would you? every time i open my mouth it seems that you turn off your ears”

“i’m all ears y/l/n” he said, giving you more attitude than necessary, but you were having a hard time getting through to him

“that was unbelievably stupid! you could’ve gotten yourself killed! spencer this isn’t the first time, let alone the second, let alone the 7th time you’ve put yourself in harms way! this is so dumb spencer you understand this shit but you still are reckless! and don’t give me that crap about calculated risks”

you were fuming at him

“so what i’m alive, so is our victim what more do you want?”

“why are you turning this on me? i don’t want shit from you spencer! it’s not what i want! it’s your life! my god i shouldn’t have to justify to my colleague, god to my friend why i care about them being alive!”

“well i am alive. so i don’t know why you’re so bothered y/n it’s like your my mother or something” he said as he continued walking up the stair case

“no, you don’t get to do that. you don’t get to put your life on the line and then treat me like i’m the irrational one. painting me as the villain when i only just care about you”

“why do you care so much?”

“because i’m your friend?! because i love you?!”

he ignored you and resumed walking up the stairs

“you know what spencer? it’s because i love you. it’s because i love you so much that it affects my sleep. so much that i always make you coffee when you come in. so much that no matter what i’m doing, where i’m doing or who i’m doing it with, you’re always on my mind. the problem is spencer, not that i love you, that i’m IN love with you. and even at that you can’t seem to let me in. so i don’t know what the fuck to do anymore”

a tear fell down your cheek as you slammed the door and left

spencer standing dead in his tracks on the stair case. honestly wanting to vomit

-

you spent the rest of your day scream crying. so many emotions that you couldn’t quite process anything

you were laying on your couch, radio head on your phone, dried tears on your cheeks when your heard the doorbell ring

you go and open it

spencer

“hi”

“hi?”

you stood in your doorway, looking at each other with swollen eyes

silence, 2 seemingly frozen bodies

until spencer opened his mouth

“look, i’m sorry.”

“yeah me too”

you were sick of him, sick of how he couldn’t communicate, of how blind he could be. but something about his face was so so good. you were about to shut the door in frustration before spencer started to speak again 

“and with what you said, about the love thing...”

he took a big gulp 

“i do too. i love you too. i mean i’m in love with you too”

what. the. fuck.

between the shock and the upset you were feeling, there was little part of your heart that warmed when he said those words. you opened your mouth to speak but spencer cut you off

“and i just wanted to say that because i uh i owe you the truth always. regardless. but anyway, i don’t think we should pursue that though”

you stood in your doorway in shock

you didn’t know if you wanted to fight him, cry, or vomit

probably all of the above

you were blank, nothing came to your mouth. you tried to speak, tried to scream , but the only thing that came out was 

“what?”

“i’m no good for you, you deserve someone who can be perfect for you. you deserve that truly. and i can’t be that. so i’m sorry but that’s just how it is. i just want you to be happy. you don’t deserve a guy that you have to yell at in stairways, that makes you cry until your eyes swell shut, a guy that cant reconcile his emotions for crap or can’t communicate or anything that i am. so im sorry, but i think this is what’s best for you.”  he stuck his hands in his pants

“so bye i guess”

you were paralyzed, a surplus of information hitting you all at once. you couldn’t quite process it but you knew you couldn’t just let him walk away

“you’re idiotic” you shouted as he was about to get on the elevator

“i’m what now?”

“idiotic. no ones buying the ‘i’m not a nice guy’ crap”

“it’s not crap, it’s true. i’m no good for you”

“oh please spencer you’re acting like this is your villian orgin story. first off, who do you think you even are? i’m an adult i don’t need a white man who doesn’t know how to brush his hair to tell me whats ‘good for me’”

“i’m just looking out for you”

“okay, thanks, but i’m a big girl spencer i know how to take care of myself. and even so i don’t even think thats what this is about. you know what i think? i think that you’re too scared to admit that you don’t feel the same way. which is fine by the way, but if you’re to scared to face the reality of whatever your feeling and youre covering it by turning it on me? by saying that ‘i’m too good for you’ thats fucked up and thats that spencer.”

you caught your breath and continued 

“because spencer i know you’re pulling all this shit about not being good for me but is that even true? spencer reid we’re perfect for eachother. in every way. and if you’re blind to that than whatever, but i don’t want you to lie to try and tiptoe around my feelings”

“ever since you walked into the bau y/n ive loved you. every word you’ve ever said to me get played on repeat in my head. i love you i would want nearly nothing but to be with you y/n. i love you that much. that’s why i’m trying to our myself above what i want and above whatever so that you can be the happiest you can be. it’s just that i don’t want to hurt you. you don’t deserve that. i never want you to hurt ever. and i can only prevent that by taking myself out of the picture”

“spencer, when i said i love you. it means all of you. i want every side to spencer reid. i want your complications too. it’s all worth it spencer because you’re the one for me”

you two stood there for a couple minutes. it was the longest and shortest time of your life. spencer eventually took a deep sigh and stepped in a step closer to you, looking down at your face

red from the crying, left eye swollen shut, giving him a weak smile

“you’re the one for me”

——

i want your dreary mondays

“thursday”

“no?! the worst day of the week is monday obviously”

“monday is underrated in my opinion”

you were conversing with spencer while walking through the park after dinner

“monday is the worst, it’s so hard after the two perfect days of rest to return the mundane process of life”

“sure”

“so thursday? story behind that?”

-

“hey have you seen spence?” you asked around the office, only getting head shakes

it was the monday after a long weekend, and spencer has had a less than ideal day

just woke up on the wrong side of the bed, spilt hot coffee on his pants, forgot his satchel at hole

you searched around for him, when you realized

when spencer was overwhelmed or stressed or sad or anything like that, he retreated to the basement file room

no one ever went down there, and there was a closet with a couch in it that was good for taking mid day breaks

you ran down the stairs, opening the door to the closet and sure enough spencer was there

“hey”

“hi”

he wiped his hand across his face, presumably for a tear

“what’s up spence?”

you said scooting next to him on the closet couch

“having a monday”

“i’m sorry to hear that, what’s going on”

“well besides the coffee incident and satchel problem...” he began to rant about how his day was going less than ideal. when he stopped abruptly

“hey, you don’t need to listen to this”

“i dont have to, but i want to”

“are you sure? i’d hate to bore you with my bad day”

“come on spence, i want your dreary mondays something you gotta recognize, is that you’re such an incredible person, that your bad days are better than most people’s best.”

“yeah, perspective right. my worst days are someone’s best”

“yeah, but don’t ever feel invalidated abt your bad days, you always deserve to feel upset, and i’ll always be here to listen to it”

“god i love you”

—-

wrap your arms around me baby boy

spencer wasn’t a touchy person

germaphobe habits

but something about you, he was magnetic to you

no matter what it was, on the jet, in the office, while in line at the grocery store, anywhere and everywhere he always had you in a hug

coming up behind you while you were cooking, wrapping his arms around the back of your neck while you were working

he adored you, and you adored him

after a case, the team decided to hit the local bar, nearing the end of the night, they started to play slower stuff

slower jazzier beats, the dj came on and said

“okay you couples! get up there”

a few couples hand gone up, you were tugging on spencer’s arm to accompany you up there

“well if you don’t go you know morgan will”

derek raised an eyebrow at him, and before you knew it he was dragging you on stage.

poor spencer didn’t know how to dance correctly, he was standing so far from you. hands in each other’s hands like middle schoolers

“jeez spence, wrap your arms around me”

you grabbed his hands, positioning them on your waist, you wrapped your arms around his neck, and leaned into his chest

swaying back and forth, as the sinatra echoed the other the bar and the click of garcias camera could be heard

and in that moment, nothing felt better or more right, than dancing in spencer reids arms

[mego42]

i also don't mean to be a dick, i just want to explain my pov. seeing someone naked doesn't have to be sexual, you're right, but i think that it's fair of me to say that seeing a man forcefully undress a woman and then just watch her naked when he has all the power (he's obviously stronger and probably has a gun) and theoretically could've done anything he wanted made me super uncomfortable

(why is tumblr cutting off the first line????????)

you’re not being a dick at all! I totally hear you and am in no way trying to imply having an emotional reaction to that scene is in any way invalid! my point is more, there’s a difference between a (again, valid) personal takeaway based on your mindset and experiences and an intentional thing the show is saying, and those are two entirely different things but a lot of people like to dress the former up as the latter.

the scene was complicated, no doubt, but I think it very, very clearly and carefully stayed all the way away from sexualizing it in favor of a ferociously loaded moment between two people with a deeply fucked up personal history. furthermore, I think it was an incredibly noteworthy scene bc for one of the first times in their relationship, beth was the one ultimately holding the cards.

you point out that rio could overpower her physically and likely had a gun on him, but I think that only underscores how significant it is that they blocked the scene to have him stepping all the way back and never once hinting at a gun. not only that but the camera work was so deliberately, carefully not male gazey, there were no lingering pans of beth’s body, it was all extremely, tightly focused on their reactions to the moment more than anything else and while those reactions were loaded as all hell, they weren’t sexual (we know manny has an expressive face capable of a thousand micro inferences and there wasn’t even the faintest hint of anything close to a leer or a suggestive eyebrow). those were intentional choices the show made to equalize the dynamic and stay balanced on the razor wire they were walking. obvs, this is just my opinion and ymmv but that was SUCH an ambitious moment to try and play out and I think they nailed it.

idk, like I said, I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings about it. my point was in reaction to people taking that scene and trying to paint rio like some kind of sexual aggressor bc that a) makes me super uncomfortable bc it’s applying hella negative stereotyping that (imo) wasn’t there at all and b) seems a little disingenuous considering there have been numerous instances of rio wielding FAR more power against beth throughout the whole show (including and possibly most especially during the ~golden era of s1 and 2) but those were like, idk, fine i guess?

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Idk why but I feel so angry whenever I see the stuff at April because her blog has helped me so much and she seems so nice and I guess she’s kind of a role model to me so it’s hitting me kinda hard? Am I weird like is this wrong? I don’t know her but I check her blog every day and have for so long and I just feel like she’s this kind person and when people try to mess with that feeling I get angry idk if I’m making sense

Honestly, I feel that way, too. I've been trying to stay emotionally uninvolved, but at the end of the day I'm still human, I still have feelings, and it's been hitting me pretty hard. April has selflessly been there for me so many times over the last 8+ years we've known each other. She helped me escape abuse and turn my life around. To see someone that's done all that for me be attacked by others really hits me hard, too.

You are valid, and your feelings are valid. Humans are an incredibly social species and it's normal to have strong personal feelings when something like this is happening to someone who has been important or influential in your life. It's really painful to see someone mess with or invalidate the narrative of your life, and that's okay.

- Mod Allison

[newhologram]

I know only a few of you are on IG so I wanted to give an update here on the past few days. I am doing this knowing the potential risk but I need to also record where I'm at right now in case anything weird happens.

My week has been like this so far. Sunday: Family Member 1 misplaced their Xbox controller. They kept asking me if I knew where it was, each time growing more and more aggressive. I don't have an Xbox, I reminded them. I have my own controller for my PC. But they kept knocking loudly on my door. They followed me outside where I was vaping and tried to accuse me of I don't even know what. Pawning off their controller? FM1 said, "Is there something going on that you're not telling me? SOMEONE'S messing with me!" Later that night they and their gf were making dinner. FM1 suddenly knocked harshly on my door and said aggressively, "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE OVEN MITTS" in an angry voice. I was already stressed from them harassing me earlier about the controller. I came out of my room, heart racing, and told them I had not used them that day. I helped find the mitts, which had fallen behind the trash can because the hanging hook had broken. I went to bed on edge, feeling unsafe and targeted, wondering why my family member was suddenly acting so paranoid and accusing me of misplacing their things... Something they actually have done to me my whole life, denying it until the moment my item is found, when they suddenly remember they did move it there (or accidentally throw it out/destroy it). The controller ended up being some random place in the living room. Monday: I went to leave for my acupuncture appointment. My booster seat/pillow thing was missing from my car. Not in the trunk or anything. I cannot drive without it. I'm too short to see over the steering wheel. I called FM1 and they have no idea where it could be, despite the fact that they drive my car every day. FM1's gf helped find it, in the garage. But I still had an epic fucking meltdown, sobbing the whole way to and from my appointment. I just cannot handle people moving my shit and disrupting my schedule like that. And it just hurt so much more knowing that FM1 was so awful to me the day before about their stuff being misplaced. I'm always having my personal belongings, my feelings, my personhood, disrespected. It hurts deeply. When I got home I stressed to them that this is my car, and my accommodation should not ever be removed from it under any circumstances. It was after this that I decided it was time to hold a family meeting. I called Family Member 2 and 3 over to the house. I read a long letter to them in which I told them about the talks I have had with my therapist, psychiatrist, and another psychologist. Even though I cannot be formally assessed and diagnosed at this time, I am being treated for autism. I detailed to my family my entire life of trauma that is traced back directly to my autistic traits, and my needs not only not being met, but being outright denied. I was denied empathy most of my life for my sensory issues, my pain, everything. A big part of this is gaslighting. Even if it's unintentional or not malicious, gaslighting is incredibly traumatic. Especially when it comes to my sensory issues. I have had even more problems with overstimulation the past year which means I can barely sleep, so my daily naps are even more important. I try to coordinate my naps when there is less activity in my house. But if I'm in a ton of pain and extra sensitive and ask for quiet, that's when I get in trouble and a fight happens. That's when FM1 tells me I "need to be realistic" and "can't expect the whole world to shut up for you"... when I'm literally saying "I have a migraine and need to rest, can you please not play loud music or slam cupboards in the kitchen for a few hours?"

I was emotionally neglected and abused by both parents. A lot of it is just the result of their own trauma that they have not dealt with... But I have also been physically threatened and assaulted by them at different times, though it only happened those specific times. (They won't ever admit to it though.) The emotional and mental abuse still goes on in my home. I am not allowed to have emotions. I have been told "STOP. WHY ARE YOU CRYING. LIFE'S NOT FAIR. WHEN YOU GET OUT IN THE REAL WORLD YOU'LL HAVE SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT" over and over--like... in response to me crying about my pet dying, or in response to me crying bc I'm in horrible pain from my chronic illnesses, or crying after my usual yearly ER visit. I am also not allowed to have boundaries. I have tried to communicate with FM1 that these things hurt me deeply. And their response is basically, "YOU'RE SO UNGRATEFUL. I PUT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD!" and threats such as "BETWEEN TAKING CARE OF YOU AND GRANMDA, ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TO DRIVE OFF AND YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN!" or "I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU"-- y'know, in response to having a disabled child. Ouch. The message is clear: I am nothing but an inconvenience and a burden to my family. I still have nightmares about them abandoning me, or abusing me more. I think in their heads they think that they love me. But this isn't love. If I try to talk to them about how dangerous it is for them to say things like that to me, they say "I never said/did that." Which brings us back to the gaslighting: I said that every time they gaslight me and tell me that my emotions/thoughts/experiences aren't real, it triggers me so badly that I self-harm and become suicidal.

I was very clear with them: I said that I can no longer have that in my life because one day it will kill me. I don't wanna die that way. I want to live. I have very bad PTSD and it's something I have worked on for 8 years but it has been worse the past year with so many disruptions and FM1's worsening narcissistic traits. I gave the choice to them. I said if they gaslighted me again that they were making the decision to not be in my life. Because this is about preserving my life. I'm trying not to die here. I'm literally trying to save my own life, even if that means not having a relationship with my family. They accept that I am autistic... But they then took turns gaslighting me. When I pointed out, "that's gaslighting. that's exactly what I just said in my letter. What you're doing is gaslighting" they went even harder on it. They said my experience and my trauma is "not in line with reality". They also said I "need to be reasonable" with the boundary that I'm setting (meaning: they don't believe in boundaries at all). They tried to guilt trip me with, "you can't cut someone out of your life because what if they DIE and then you FEEL GUILTY??" (I mean, what if I killed myself because you keep hurting me? Wouldn't you feel guilty about that?) They also guilt tripped me with "well we TRY to invite you to family stuff, and we try to include you, but you never want to go..." um... I guess they forgot I am chronically ill? Sorry if I don't have the energy or pain tolerance to drive an hour each way to a loud family party after I've worked all week? I cried and cried, I said this is exactly what I told you that you do to me and how it endangers my life... and you're doing it... while telling me you don't do it to me... They were all weird and told me "we love you and would do anything for you!" except... I guess, not gaslight me constantly? Idk. I felt so trapped. I felt so hopeless. I was up all night crying. I wondered, "Why is the idea of me having distance from them somehow worse than me being dead? Why would they prefer that I die rather than set a boundary that will save me?" And then I remembered: I had set the terms. They broke them. You do this, you're out of my life, because me being alive is more important than us having a relationship which will eventually kill me. I'm not trapped. It doesn't matter if they think they can prevent me from setting this boundary because they can't. I'm in charge of my boundary. So I blocked them on social media, as well as their phones. I have to unfortunately keep FM1 unblocked bc I live with them, they drive my car, and they look after my cats while I am at work. If I didn't have so many great things happening behind the scenes, if I didn't have my cats, if I didn't have amazing friends and followers who are supportive and kind... I can definitely see that I would have ended my life that night in some alternate timeline. That is how much pain I was in from them doing that to me. Them literally trying to gaslight me into not setting a boundary. I mean it would've been so ridiculous on their part, can you imagine? Me: Hey family, when you gaslight me, it makes me suicidal. I don't want to die, so either you stop doing that, or we can't have a relationship. Family: UHH NO *gaslights me anyway* Me: ok *kills self* Family: *surprised Pikachu face* Like???? Would they really have been shocked because it seems like they should have known since I told them directly? And that just shows that they really don't take my pain seriously at all. They think I'm overly sensitive and that my trauma is not real. That would have been a painful wake up call for them. I told my therapist all of this. And she agrees that this is good, this is going to not only ween them off of me but also allow me to focus on all the good stuff I have going on. I have to get moving. So much stuff has been lagging because I'm constantly recovering from them triggering me. I'm going to focus, and heal, and gtfo of here. Thank you for your support and for never invalidating my pain.

[fromzerotoeuphoria]

@waywardfacegarden replied to your post:

Couldn’t agree more with this. Honestly, I agree with every single word on here. I feel like most mh shippers think that us rh shippers just ship it because we hate mako or something but i actually love him so much??? and i, in no way, try to undermine mh’s relationship. i always thought it was so cute and soft and tender, since the first ep. i LOVE, absolutely LOVE their friendship. and i think haru DOES care a ton about mako. he does. and they obviously have a special bond, they’ve known each other since so long. they care about each other and their friendship is so sweet?? i love how haru gives mako the fishes in first season and a lot of other moments of them. and i said this in a post when i first watched the first season, but again, like you say, i GET why people ship them. i get it. they’re cute and their relationship is actually pretty good but it just??? i don’t know, what especially got ME to ship rh instead of mh since the very first ep is how clearly DIFFERENT rh’s dynamic was since the very start. how clearly different haru reacts to rin. he becomes ALIVE when he sees him. his eyes, his whole expression just lights up when he sees rin came back. you don’t see haru act like that towards anyone else. SURE, he cares DEEPLY about mako and, like i said, their relationship is special, he holds him dear and it’s clear, but it’s just different with rin. his reactions are always so visceral when it comes to rin, since they were kids. he pretends like he doesn’t care sometimes but it’s so obvious that he does, kid!haru had a crush and no one can tell me otherwise. it’s all over the place. sure, with haru everything is subtle, but the thing that’s so amazing about rh is that you don’t even have to LOOK for it. even when haru is all subtle about his feelings, he always REACTS visceral with rin, and that’s the thing. idk, when i knew mh was more popular than rh it just… baffled me. i was so surprised, because to me, it was always so obvious how their relationship was a LOT more strong friendship-like than rh. and ngl, it’s frustrating for me, too LOL, but i guess we have to live with that.😂😂 everyone has different opinions, and i guess a lot of people are drawn to them bc of the childhood friend trope… tho you also kinda have it on rh but okay😂🤷‍♀️ it just makes me sad how i’ve seen so much hate around from both sides. and i’ve also come across a LOT of mh shippers that keep telling rh shippers “no, you should ship sousuke and rin and mako and haru, that’s how it should be” and it makes me so sad bc ALL ships are valid???? and it just sounds like they’re always trying to invalidate our ship but oh well. [ALSO. SOUSUKE AND RIN’S RELATIONSHIP IS SO PRECIOUS, NOT TALKING ABOUT IT BC I LITERALLY WOULD NEVER SHUT UP, BUT I LOVE THEM. I LOVE THEM. i fell in love with their friendship since the very first second with their special handshake😂😂😂 i just. have a soft spot for all the samesuka relay team tbh, but maybe that’s bc i’m so in love with rin it’s insane😂😂😂] AND ALSO. FINAL POINT OF ALL MY BABBLING HERE (lol, sorry for invading your post, i just were surprised of how i literally agree with every single word on here) BUT YEAH. KID RIN IS BEST KID/BOY, I LITERALLY WOULD DIE FOR HIM. I LOVE HIM SO SO SO SO SO MUCH, IT’S RIDICULOUS. I WANT TO PROTECT HIM. I WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY. idk, man, i just. could talk about rin and kid!rin for days to no end, oof… literally him and rinharu what got me so hooked with free! tbh… like i didn’t expect to be this invested in free! bc i just watched out of boredom, and 20 minutes later after first ep, i was already hooked bc i was already head-over-heels with rin and rinharu LMAO. what did they do to me, honestly… my love just kept growing… like end of first season was SO SO SO satisfying???? it was so emotional, i cried like the 6 times i watched it in a row, and i felt SO incredibly satisfied???? i’ve rarely felt THAT much and that much satisfaction with an ending before. honestly first season of free is masterpiece. BUT ANYWAYS. SORRY FOR TALKING SO MUCH. I’M SHUTTING UP NOW. HAVE A NICE DAY, FELLOW RINHARU FAN.

The way these comments MADE MY DAY <333

Thank you so much for commenting!! That post was me just rambling out my own thoughts about the two ships, and I originally didn’t plan on sharing it publicly, but since I love reading other people’s posts like that, I figured maybe someone might enjoy mine too 😊 And I’m SO HAPPY you did!! 💜

I said a lot in my previous response to you, so for your sake and for anybody reading I’ll refrain from repeating myself (when it comes to Free! and my thoughts/opinions, I could repeat myself 10000x and not even bat an eye ...but I won’t do that to y’all haha). But YES Makoto is a precious big squish, his friendship with Haru is important, and MakoHaru do care so so much about each other. No sense in trying to undermine that.

BUT THE RINHARU RELATIONSHIP 😩💥🔥🤯😭😭. I LOVE that you used the word visceral, because that’s it EXACTLY. Haru has a visceral reaction to Rin—and vice versa, but the fact that HARU reacts this way is powerfully telling of just how much he feels about Rin. From the very first episode, Haru barely reacted to anything—he was a rather apathetic teen who really only longed to be in the water. But then enter in Rin Matsuoka, and not only does Haru viscerally react whenever Rin is mentioned, but he also has multiple flashbacks of RIn before he even knew Rin was back in the country.

Because Haru doesn’t react this way—so raw and, and you said, viscerally—with anyone else, I just cannot see him not having special feelings for anyone else aside from Rin. It just makes sense, as he never showed these kinds of feelings towards anyone else in his life since the time Rin returned to Australia after their falling out-race. For me, If there really was potential for a reciprocated ship-relationship between Haru and any other character aside from Rin (within the context of Season 1), it would’ve either happened already considering Makoto had been there the entire time and no sparks or flames, or Haru would’ve been so focused on a new character that wasn’t Rin who had newly entered his life (which, as we know, he wasn’t). But no, Haru was so fixated on Rin, it completely baffled Rei, the newcomer to the group, as to why Haruka was so obsessed with Rin. I mean, if that alone doesn’t blatantly confirm that Haru has some pretty strong feelings towards Rin, then idk what to tell folks who are in denial. 🤷🏽‍♀️

KID!RIN IS THE REASON I FELL FOR ADULT RIN. Like, I knew that this bright and dazzling shooting star of a kid was still in Rin somewhere, and since that Rin stole my heart within the first 75 seconds of the anime, by default part of me was stolen by adult Rin, too haha (though ngl, it took like 4 episodes for me to start sympathizing with him, but when I did wooooosh!! XD). AND YES THE WAY I DIED DURING EPISODE 12!!! I literally covered my mouth and was silent-screeching into my hand, waving my other hand wildly in the air, had to pause the video to collect myself multiples times and basically fell apart and lost my mind over the entirety of episode 12 😂 I have my “recap” here if you’re interested in getting a closer look at my subsequent meltdown, haha.

Ugh anyways this got WAY too long (plus by the time I’m actually posting this, we’ve been gushing out essays about this in our dms hahaha, I’m sorry it took so long to post this friggin reply! >_<) so I’ll just cut it here.

[aceadmiral]

Thank you to everyone who replied to my last post! It looks like most people appreciate just having the WP links (note: you can also subscribe on WP by email address instead of having a WP account, if you’re worried about missing stuff), but some others would also appreciate content on tumblr as well, so I suppose we can try it!

[Content warning for... idek? It’s about First love, catharsis so.]

I was reading something on TAA the other day that got me to thinking about First love, catharsis. again because of course such an awful book would follow me around! I didn’t really get into it in my review because I think, uh, what I had already was enough to justify me panning it (lol), but there’s this narrative thread running through it that I’m really having trouble figuring out how I feel about. Specifically, there’s this implication over and over (never directly stated) that because Ikki is asexual (and sex-repulsed.... kinda), he is without masculinity and therefore Karakida (who heretofore only dated women) has no problem dating him--and doesn’t expect anyone else to either???

Like, I am not a stranger to Weird Gender Dynamics in Japanese media with same-sex couples; in fact, sometimes I really like seeing it (e.g. Kuchibiru Tameiki Sakurairo). So the way the majority of the book goes... I just grouped it in with those. But a 4koma at the end from Karakida’s brother’s POV (that I will be honest, I don’t really get the joke in) kind of blows up the premise. Like, I guess Karakida is so incredibly secure in his masculinity it doesn’t even occur to him how his relationship would look to other people? But it feels to me like it’s only that way because Karakida refuses to think of Ikki as a man.

But like, is this a real thing a real person would do? I can only speak from my experience as a non-man, but when someone tries to invalidate me and I am forced to turn the testosterone up a few notches, they generally pull back? Out of surprise or revulsion you would have to ask them (I am guessing it’s not genuine intimidation since I am petite lol), but it doesn’t make sense to me that Ikki directly confronting Karakida with reality wouldn’t get him to at least pause a minute.

idk it’s a weird book, man!!

[hartleytrashaway]

agirlwithachakram replied to your post “i’m really torn between ‘hooray my beautiful son is back’ and ‘cool,...”

asdf,ansdf,nasd,mf RIGHT??? why is this show so straight in all the worst possible ways, how is it so fixated on talking about feelings of (SOME OF) the main characters to the detriment of getting into the big ideas that matter and inform their lives and traumas and why do they keep writing in hartley only to write him out instantly?

so i haven’t regularly watched the show since the end of s3 but didn’t they have some weird therapist mini-arc that didn’t go anywhere or actually address anybody’s problems? please correct me if i’m wrong. but i’m forever baffled by this show’s alternately glib and heavy-handed approaches to its extremely fucked-up characters. (even back when the show was good they really hand-waved a lot of shit away. jesse basically has no recovery time whatsoever from prolonged captivity and i’m still fucking uncomfortable about that.) it’s always had this inconsistent and wrong-headed approach to trauma despite dealing with some incredibly weighty issues. 

i absolutely think the show has been the most notorious one in the arrowverse for just so thoroughly shitting on the legacies of almost EVERYONE in the cast. the way they’ve just decimated the rogues has rankled me for years (see above re: glossing over serious issues, bc lisa snart is exhibit A), but they’ve also paid majorly important characters like wally, linda, etc. dust or sacrificed them on the altar of barry as golden god. i don’t even know who half the names are in the recaps anymore, and honestly, i don’t even care enough to look them up because i don’t want to get invested in someone the narrative will probably screw over for, idk, barry making stupid-ass decisions and being sad about it. (i get that barry is the main character, but don’t keep shoving teamwork and family down my throat as themes when you fuck over everyone in barry allen’s periphery.)

and hartley.......just a fucking case study in What the Fuck are Y’all DOING on This Show? there’s something about the constant betrayals of hartley that specifically hurt more than other characters. part of that is because the characters will create a problem for themselves that would be perfect for hartley to help solve (and they just forget he exists), but also hartley was set up with an incredibly intriguing backstory/identity/relationship to team flash, and the writers squandered literally everything about it. hartley is just as much of a victim as caitlin and cisco in terms of betrayed employees, and in many ways more of a victim because of the closeness of his relationship with harrison (regardless of whether it’s interpreted as platonic or romantic/sexual) and the viciousness with which harrison destroyed him. (it’s worth noting that it isn’t barry who beats hartley on the bridge in 1x11; it’s harrison, and his defeat is gruesome and brutal.) the show kicks the shit out of hartley, sometimes literally, and never reckons with the nastiness of the extra abuses they heap on a traumatized, isolated abuse victim. 

the ostensibly happy endings they give him are, like practically everything else, a nice sheen of Good News covering some really ugly content. 2x17 brings hartley back and gives him his hero moment and shows him happy and fulfilled...and then slips on a banana peel and slides right into the fucking trash by asking him to reunite with his homophobic parents. it feels even worse to show how crisis dicked over his timeline again. it cheapens his first and best episode by retroactively wiping out his pain and grief and desperate vengeance. the hartley we meet in 1x11 has been driven to this point by the continuous betrayals of the authority figures in his life and runs rampant because no one was there to temper him. it’s obvious that he’s alone in the world and has been for a while. sliding in a Cool Fix-It Boyfriend is a band-aid solution that disrespects hartley (and roderick, who exists only to be that good dick, i guess?) by stripping his history and motivations, again. i can’t be the only queer who fell in love with hartley because he was traumatized and ostracized and angry about it, and he gave voice to all those bitter feelings. every new retcon, every time they dangle a mention or appearance of hartley, only to squash our hopes with whatever stupid-ass narrative device they’ve got this time, becomes more and more insulting. 

like -- we get hartley meeting another harrison. this should be a fucking powder keg of a moment. i’ve been wishing that we could have seen this since s2, and i wanted so badly for hartley to be able to just unleash all the grief and hurt at someone who may not be the original harrison, but who still wears harrison’s face. and they just fucking whiffed it by having it be another opportunity for hartley to play the horny gay kid. on the surface: extremely in keeping with who hartley has always been, which is sarcastic, into tom cavanagh, and DTF. it’s one of those things that’s fine if you don’t think about it too hard, or if you go full lizard brain about it and just go ‘lol hartley wants to bang u.’ but it’s also so fucking deflating for hartley as a fully-realized character -- in one fell swoop, hartley’s supposed antagonistic relationship that has practically been his raison d’être in his past appearances becomes a blip on the radar so minor he can crack jokes about wanting to ride the cock express all the way to double-bang town. it invalidates his struggles and whisks away so much of what made him a rich, relatable character in the first place. 

anyway sorry i wrote a fucking essay you didn’t ask for. ima wrap this up even though i have a ton more to say, bc otherwise i will legit be here for hours getting mad about the fucking POTENTIAL this show has and refuses to take advantage of. 

[amorrdemiel]

I guess I feel like really bummed when my mom is so deeply into her negative victim feelings and it’s hard for me to get out knowing she feels that way. And I think I didn’t notice it before because i made myself really indifferent from it. But it’s the same way I feel like whenever I think my sister is upset. I feel really upset because I can’t separate us. I can’t separate my sisters feelings from me and my moms feelings from me. And that’s why I feel really upset when my mom doesn’t understand me or my sister doesn’t understand me because it makes me feel incredibly invalidated. But not in like a normal valid way, more like BECAUSE I’m codependent on them, it invalidates my feelings if they don’t take them on as their feelings as well

AHHH I just realized I do the same shit as my mom! If you don’t absorb all her feelings and feel them with her than you don’t love her or you’re not truly understanding her or you’re not really empathizing. And I realize I do the same thing. It doesn’t come off as plainly demanding with my mom and my sister bc they are beautiful empathetic souls who try to understand what I’m feeling and that’s why my toxic qualities haven’t come out so plainly bc they’ve never had to. But that’s why I get so freaking frustrated when they don’t exactly articulate my feelings back to me or if they don’t seem emotionally responsive to my emotions. I GET IT. that’s why I feel like the world is against me bc it’s very rare for strangers or coworkers to be emotionally responsive to your personal emotions and it’s not PERSONAL and I’ve told myself this but I didn’t understand how and I’ve begun to understand how little by little over the years and I felt I was doing much better but couldn’t understand why sometimes I felt drowning frustration and drowning impatience. Because I was waiting and expecting them to respond to me in a way where I SEE they are feeling the feelings I’m feeling.

And I’ve been blessed to have a very understanding mom and sister who do mostly understand my feelings but even the other week I told my sister I felt abandoned when I was feeling frustrated bc she didn’t work hard enough to understand what I was trying to say IDK that kinda sounds wrong to me. I was semi aware through the whole thing so I made sure to tell her it was my pain body but there was something weird about it that I couldn’t put my finger on it. But Idk I also don’t know how to not expect emotional mirroring? Maybe it’s nice to have emotional mirroring but not needed

Ugh this is where I start feeling confused. Because I don’t know which way to turn if that makes sense.

But that’s why I feel so shitty right now while my mom is feeling shitty because I feel at an emotional standoff. I can’t go into my own emotions because I feel obligated to feel my moms emotions but since I was a kid I’ve resisted feeling my moms emotions with her but it also capped me from my own feelings and so now that I am finally going back into feeling my own emotions, I’m back at standstill of having to learn to feel only my emotions and not my moms emotions too. AHH I think that’s why I took the indifference route with my mom and my sister for so long and that’s why all I’ve ever wanted was to get the fuck out of the house because I rather run away and stay indifferent than work out how to untangle years of my feelings, my sisters feelings, and my moms feelings. Because I have tried holding people accountable for my feelings and it doesn’t work, I know I’ve ruined relationships with it. And I have tried being indifferent but it isn’t conducive to living am aware and life full of love and beauty.

Now I actually have to face it.

[stillgeekingout]

reflections on 2019, relationship edition

I don't know how to start this. I don't even really know who I'm writing it for. Ingrid knows how I feel, and I've done enough other journaling over the past year to pretty well encapsulate it for my future self. But I like having my year-end wrap ups, and this was by far the biggest part of my life in 2019. So… here goes.

I spent 8 months of 2019 in a long distance relationship and I’ve spent the past 4 living with my girlfriend. I truly hate that I’ve become one of those people, but that pretty much defined 2019 for me. Underlying everything that happened was a constant “wtf?? I’m in a relationship???? I guess???????? How did that happen tho??” 

I've talked to a lot of people about how this whole thing started and I still haven't decided what version of that story I'm going to want to tell going forward. When people ask how we got together I don't think they need to hear the whole convoluted thing, especially since I have some complicated feelings about the way it all went down. But I will say that at the beginning of 2019 I thought there was a possibility that I had finally lucked into my "friend who lives with me and helps me raise my kids" scenario, in the middle I realized I was in a queerplatonic relationship, and now here at the start of 2020 I'm questioning my romantic orientation, whether I have one, and whether I even know what romantic love would feel like. I hate being that formerly "straight" girl who's now like "well yeah I love my girlfriend and it's in a different way than I've loved friends but I don't know what that means, and idk if I'm gay…"

I just wanna say, if you're ace and have been conditioned to think you wanted to marry a man for 25 years of life, it's really confusing! Like, I've never felt attraction to women, but did I really feel attraction to men or was it because I thought I was supposed to? Does it matter? Anyway welcome to my current existential crisis, it's fine, we're fine. (listen it took me about 5 years to come to terms with being ace, check in with me in 2024 or something and I’ll let you know what my verdict is on this)

I was saying this the other night but it’s so weird that being long distance felt SO long and SO unbearable and now that it’s over, I almost can’t even remember it. That’s a lie, I do remember it, but it amazed me how that ache instantly disappeared. I’m not gonna say it wasn’t an adjustment period. I spent about the first month that ingrid was here doubting myself and wondering if I had made a terrible mistake and dragged her down with me. That sounds VERY dramatic, it wasn’t that bad, it was more just like a little tugging in the back of my brain. But now I am in a place where I’m extremely happy and I have vanquished the little doubt monster. I had the same little doubt monster last January when I was like “something is gonna go wrong with this, it’s not possibly just going to work out” and when I was also grappling with whether I would be okay with letting go of the idea of a romantic relationship. (and again…… check with me in 2024, I have no idea where I stand on that still)

Anyway I promised sap so:

I love ingrid! I’m so excited to spend my life with her and raise kids with her and go on future dates and trips with her and just sit in bed reading or watching tv. The fact that she’s blended in so well with my family makes me incredibly happy and I can’t wait to meet her family in person. I haaaate how much I understand a lot of sappy love songs that I always thought were over the top, but I don’t actually hate it at all. I have absolutely become the coupley person I always hated, but I never dated as a teenager or in my early 20s so I sometimes feel like I’m making up for lost time (and then I literally feel like I’m making up for the 8 months we were long distance). I love that we have friends in common and we can all just hang out together! Everyone knows how important my friends are to me and the fact that I already knew she would get along with my best friends because they were also her friends was amazing.

Long story short, I spent my whole life wanting to accidentally fall into a relationship with an established friend and it still somehow caught me by surprise. Maybe the honeymoon phase will wear off in 2020 especially with her doing school etc but I’m gonna ride that wave as long as possible.

Last thing because I think this is really important:

I really really like being in a relationship. But I wasn’t lying all those times I said I was content with being single (I wavered back and forth a lot but when I said I was fine I was), and I wasn’t lying that I would’ve tried to raise kids by myself (although I’m glad I don’t have to do that anymore). I haven’t filled some hole inside of myself, I was already whole! I have always hated people in relationships invalidating single people or acting like there’s some secret bonus level to life that they’re not experiencing. Companionship is important wherever and however you find it, and that’s what I’m gonna say on that!

[kae-karo]

☕️ phandom and phanfiction awards

oo starting spicy up in here (send me ☕ and a topic and i’ll tell u my thots)

phandom: i think it’s more or less just like any other fandom out there? like. there are parts of it/people in it that are going to be toxic, who are looking to start drama, or who want to be a pain in the ass and they’ll do that no matter the fandom they’re in. but i also believe in the 1%/99% rule (idk which it’s called lmao) which is that like. regardless of the fandom, about 1% are gonna be the Bad ones. so the larger the fandom, the more assholes, but the vast majority is Good. and it can sometimes be hard to avoid, but for the most part, it’s possible? i’ve honestly had nothing but a great time in the phandom, i’ve met some really awesome people, and really only experienced any sort of ‘drama’ via hearsay and not like. in any kind of direct way. so i apologize if you were hoping for a Really Spicy opinion on the phandom but i don’t really have one lmao. i do think it’s inherently going to invite specific kinds of toxicity based on the fact that it’s rpf but there are also things it avoids by being rpf or by being about just two people, etc (bnha fandom i’m lookin at u lmao)

phanfic awards: quick preface by saying i was apparently nominated (thank you to whoever did that lmao) so there may be some inherent bias that i want to address up front (that said, there are plenty of things i haven’t been nominated for, so i’m sort of pulling on that as well in the hopes that i can mitigate that bias as much as possible) 

very plainly, i think the awards mostly amount to a popularity contest. not to say that the people who were nominated aren’t good or haven’t worked for their popularity, but i also think that it isn’t a direct reflection of talent. and i don’t mean to say that everyone on there is a big blog or has a ton of followers, but i would guess that the people on there (and i recognize several names) have worked hard to make sure their fics are seen by as many people as possible 

and for those who didn’t make the nominations/etc, that has nothing inherently to do with how hard they did or didn’t work to get their fics noticed, nor does it have to do with their talents as writers, but it has more to do with the who-knows-who nepotism - are you friends with a popular blog? a friend of a friend? did a popular blog notice your fic and mention it in a post or recommend it? i think it’s a combination of luck and popularity (with actual writing talent as the base)

the point here being that fics that didn’t make this particular list aren’t necessarily bad, but they may not have gained the same popularity as ones that got Noticed™ or were reblogged by already-popular writers

the net-net of it is i don’t think awards are necessarily a reflection of good or bad��fics, just representative of people whose fics got noticed. so a lot of it does come down to popularity, or luck and good writing, but i don’t think it’s some kind of end-all-be-all for whose fics are the best

that said, those who did make the list, that’s awesome! like i don’t think it necessarily invalidates any kind of pride you’re allowed to feel at being nominated/being on the list, just keep in mind it isn’t some kind of ‘you were the absolute best, period’ thing

plus!!!!! fic is so so so subjective!!!!! imagine if someone said ‘oh this book is the best book to ever be written’ but ur standing over to the side like ‘uh i don’t even like that genre???? or that particular writer writes in a way i’m not a fan of???? so it can’t be the best’ like i know fic awards are categorized and all but some of the ones that are like ‘best of 2019′ or w.e are also going to inherently be biased toward the popular genres, tags, tropes, and writers by virtue of the fact that they’re, well, popular. like. if you wrote a fic that is extremely niche, it could be an incredible fic, but you may not get the recognition for it simply cause it doesn’t cater to the majority. it doesn’t mean it’s a bad fic!!!!!!

generally my opinion is that the awards are awesome, but not something i’m thoroughly invested in. and i hope that nobody gets so invested or hurt by it, too, y’know? i also hope it ends up highlighting some fics that maybe didn’t get as much recognition, though i acknowledge it’s not exactly the best method to find some underground writers ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ it’s a double-edged sword, unfortunately

[athena1138]

Lets be controversial shall we? Cullen R.

PFFT. If you think Cullen is controversial on this blog, you must be new. But thank you :3 

How I feel about this character a;uigrljkgvnsjbgrwdhljkascxnvz.jkrsgfle/d I love him. He’s my #1 favorite DA actual romance (second only to Varric.) I love his path, his journey, his growth. I’ve made a dozen posts about how much I admire him because he’s only fucking 30 by the time Inquisition rolls around and he’s already gone through so much but he’s managed to turn himself back into such a moderately well adjusted person even after a lifetime of indoctrination, after physical and mental torture and seeing his entire Circle die, after heavy addiction tendencies and reinforced propaganda by his superior officer, he still manages to bring it all back together and not be a worthless piece of shit. I know, he’s done horrible things. I’m not excusing those. He is a VERY problematic character, but I get it. PTSD does crazy fucking things to people, alright? Anders fucking accepted a demon into himself and blew up a Chantry. Obviously those two are the extremes, but there’s a myriad of other things we can see in other characters stemming from PTSD like-- Fenris walks out on the only true romance he’s probably ever had, Cassandra throws herself into her work to take her mind off her brother’s death, if you kill the Chargers then TIB shuts himself off completely and commits entirely to the Qun, Blackwall’s ENTIRE IDENTITY is a result of guilt-formed PTSD. 

My point is. Cullen did fucked up things. But I know why he did them. I do not condone them, no, but I mean. Fucking hell. He was 19 when Uldred had his rebellion. He was barely 20 when he went to Kirkwall and started working with Meredith whose anti-mage rhetoric only reinforced his UNTREATED trauma into anti-mage hate, and then he spent the next 7 years in a city with more blood mages than in the entire series put together, but he still pulled it all back in enough to at the very least be willing to work with mages in the Inquisition, to work alongside a mage, to love a mage, ON TOP OF the potential to end what is essentially a lifelong addiction to lyrium. He’s an incredibly strong and resilient person and I fucking love him. 11/10 would die for. Yep. Not to mention he’s fucking beautiful and his voice? I just. Whew. Oh my god. You wanna make me feel things, you better start playing Cullen’s voice. (Also, can we talk about that fucking stupid little laugh he gives during Wicked Grace night? Because that’s my Tumblr notification sound and it gives me fucking LIFE.) 

All the people I ship romantically with this character ME DAMMIT PLEASE GOD LET ME LOVE HIM. No, but, I’ve read some Cullrian things I’ve liked, and then there’s the Cassandra ship which I don’t totally hate (can you imagine those two blushing idiots together? I think I would die.) Otherwise idrk. 

My non-romantic OTP for this character I just want him to be friends with the world, ok? But I feel like he and TIB would be good friends if they were allowed to strategize (assuming they aren’t already good friends. I mean, there is that little dialogue Cullen has with a Jim about “He used how many shields?” and he sounded so thoroughly impressed.) And, I guess him and Rylen is a thing I’m starting to become aware of more. 

My unpopular opinion about this character Pfft. Did you read the first answer? I guess my next one would be, I really hate those mods that give Inquisition Cullen the curly hair. I do. I hate them. They’re not good, and they totally invalidate my favorite War Table banter which is Leliana and Josephine picking on Cullen about styling his hair. Curly haired Cullen FANART is my shit, especially if there’s a mess of curls standing nearby that’s his kid, but the mods are bad. 

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon. A longer romance with more dialogue since he’s not a companion, and I know this would’ve been hard/impossible to do, but I think it would’ve been nice to see him talk to Hawke. Maybe he apologizes for how he was and promises them he’s doing better, idk. It would’ve been sweet. 

TL;DR Cullen Stanton Rutherford is an fucking idiot and I would die for him in a heartbeat. I’m not writing a 50+ chapter story about him for nothing you know. 

[ugh-really-why]

Endgame review that is really more of a Rant then anything else because Fuck you Marvel.

Disclaimer: I hate pretty much everything about this movie and am still pissed enough that there is going to be a lot of cussing. Also, this is going to contain spoilers. 

Let’s start with the character that I had the most hope for walking into this movie. Tony fucking Stank. I read the spoilers so I knew that he was going to get a heroic death. I also knew that he hesitated to save the world because he got his happy ending. 

I didn’t realize how much I would hate him for every word that came out of his mouth. Tony Stank really doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself. He gets his happily ever after so fuck everyone else. Oh and he’s guilty over losing Peter so he’s going to blame everyone else even though he’s the one that split up the Avengers by locking up half of them in an underwater prison. He’s the one that had a way to contact Steve, knew about the attack because of Bruce, but was too petty to make the damn phone call. But nope it’s all Steve’s fault that he decided to go to Titan and fight Thanos there instead of regrouping with everyone else. He fucked up, but Tony can’t admit that so it’s on everyone else. Piece of shit. 

then Scott comes back five years later with an idea, but nope Tony can’t help save everyone because he’s got his precious little girl. Fuck everyone else who lost their families. At least the picture of Peter and him exists because otherwise, he wouldn’t have done shit. Oh and he insists that they keep the five years since the snap intact meaning that he’s robbing half the universe of five years of life because why the fuck not? Alright, I get him not wanting to lose his baby girl but I also don’t care because fuck him, fuck him so badly for not giving a shit about any of the other people in the universe. He’s such shit. Like honestly the only decent thing he does is die, oh and his conversation with Howard was interesting because it proves that Howard never physically abused Tony. Sorry stans, guess you can’t use that as an excuse anymore. 

Now the character that I love the most who was screwed... Steve. God, he’s fucking pathetic in this movie. Like where the fuck was his obsession with Peggy in any other movie that he was in? Where the fuck was it because this movie implied that it had been something that he had been holding onto for the fourteen (okay thirteen years) that he had been in the future, even though on screen we saw him moving on... No, he’s been carrying that stupid ass compass around with him since he woke up from the ice, just didn’t have a reason to pull it out until Endgame. Such fucking bullshit. He’s so damn pathetic when it comes to her in this movie. Not that she’s much better... Still having a torch for him in 1970 after he had been dead for 30 years. Super fucking pathetic. Like omg, they knew each other for a max of two years, kissed once, and had like five total conversations. But nope the love of his life, poor Sharon she was completely screwed. (I am so going to write out a fic where Steve goes back to the love of his life and finds out that she’s a pale comparison to the actual love of his life). Honestly, if you wanted a Steve that was hung up on Peggy still, having him move on was stupid, and this should have been set up in the previous movies instead of feeling completely out of the blue. Oh and as everyone else already has said, his ending completely ruins a lot of the great lines from the previous cap movies, such as his conversation about a situation going south, or the price of freedom. And it completely invalidates his relationship with Bucky, which was already kind of ruined in canon by Civil War. They owed the characters so much more. Oh, and they had to fuck over Steve’s other best friend. Like honestly, fuck you for what you did to Sam and Steve’s relationship. Just fuck you, Russos. I did like Sam getting the shield (course the question becomes how? because it was destroyed in the battle with Thanos, but who cares about that?) Oh and what happened to Mjolnir? because Steve was traveling with it to return the stones. Like the whole can’t move past the forties shtick is so boring and so old. 

Course for Steve to still be stuck on Peggy they had to ruin her. I can’t get over the disgust I feel for a woman that married another man, had children with him, to still be into a crush she had at 19... when she’s in her 50′s. it’s all kinds of gross. And sure I adore stories about sweethearts finding each other after a long time, but not when they are in committed relationships with other people. We all knew Agent Carter wasn’t worth anything to the MCU but this proves it. 

Bruce was just fucking annoying. Granted, I am not super fond of Banner in general, but Professor Hulk was cringe and annoying and no thanks. I swear I wanted someone to punch him every time he opened his mouth. The only time he was not incredibly annoying was when he talked about Natasha, course they played up the romantic angle for the two of them without ever addressing the issue of him ditching her for years. Like he still held a torch even though everything about the relationship was fail. 

Thor was just sad. He’s an alcoholic that has lost all confidence in himself, gained a ton of weight, something that is mocked throughout the movie and is afraid to fight. Until he talks with Frigga (not gonna lie that was a cool scene) but seriously the way they made Thor pathetic was just sad. Oh and so much mocking of his PTSD by pretty much everyone. I guess not being a dick about PTSD only applies to Tony. 

Natasha, I actually liked the majority of her plotline. Though that being said killing her off was incredibly stupid if the Black Widow movie is a real thing. I really liked her relationship with Clint, the way that she was helping coordinate the recovery, and the way she was willing to risk everything for a chance to fix things. She had a lot of personality, and I do remember why I adore the character again. I’m also glad that they didn’t put major focus on Steve/Nat. Oh no to make Steve’s storyline work he couldn’t be closely tied with anyone so no real friendships in the present for Steve. Nope, just taking advice from Stank to live life and thinking the only way to do that was to go back to Peggy...

Clint was the only one whose storyline I didn’t massively hate. I liked the way they showed his relationship with Natasha and how both of them care so much about each other. We really got to see them being family in this movie so that wasn’t terrible. And it was powerful to see him lose his family (it wasn’t like the other dusting, they were there and then gone the next second... a much better way to show everyone being gone imo then that dumbass over the top speech by Peter in Infinity War.) And his scenes after returning with the soul stone, and the fight against Thanos were kickass. Also seeing Lila Barton have her daddy’s talent for shooting arrows was terrific. Clint is a great father, and I loved the hints of it and his love for his family in this film. He just wasn’t enough to redeem the bullshit for me. 

Wanda...barely in the film but kickass during the fight. It was great to watch her go head-to-head with Thanos, and having the call back to Infinity War with Okoye when the girls were trying to get the iron infinity stone glove away was great. I’m down for an all-women team-up movie a billion times more now then I was before this movie and I already knew that I still wanted that. Course now I would try to figure out how to pirate it because FUCK MARVEL. 

Sam, idk. There were things I liked. Him becoming Captain America (if you are going to screw Steve like this, I’d rather Sam then Bucky any day of the week). His on your left and reaching out to steve over comms when he so desperately needed that little push to keep fighting. I despise the implication that he doesn’t know Steve because of his freak out about the past, and the fact that Steve was keeping secrets from him even though other movies have shown that to BULLSHIT. 

Bucky, Steve fucked him over because he was too obsessed with Peggy to give a shit about his BFF being tortured by Hydra. It’s fucking gross and totally goes against who Steve is in the rest of the series. I did like the hug, seeing him shooting Thanos's army and the easiness between him and Sam. Other than that eh. 

Valkyrie was awesome in the movie. I don’t like her much because of the slaver thing, but she was really great for her five minutes, two of being a leader and three of fighting (and I’m only sort of joking)

Nebula- I’m not sure I understand why Thanos and his people were about to see what future Nebula’s memory system knew And I wasn’t super into her babying of the shithead but other than that I liked the character. I wish they would put more emphasis on the sisterly relationship she’s building with Gamora. 

Rocket- didn’t really like the way that he mocked Thor’s issues. However, he was a fun character. 

Rhodey- He was annoying at the beginning but I liked the fact that he didn’t follow Tony’s example and say FUCK THE WORLD. And I did enjoy some of his lines at the end of the movie. such as the way he addresses the fact that he’s disabled with Nebula, creating a connection between them. (much better than the condescending way that Tony talked to her at the beginning). And I liked how the disability impacted him negatively during the final fight. It was nice to see something that is actually a medical necessity. 

I did like the final battle. It was well done and I enjoyed the different fighting styles, bring back dusted characters, seeing who fought with who, and the devasting strength of Thanos. And the way that Carol really turned the tide. Tony’s death scene was incredibly dumb... Honestly, someone get Peter as far away from these kinds of fightings as possible because the kid doesn’t know how to handle shit. 

There is probably so much more to add to this but honestly, I’m tired and it’s already long af. This movie sucks, be prepared for it to be worse then you expect, if you wanted to see Tony actually be a hero without having be convinced other people matter. If you wanted to see Steve continue with the path that he’s been on since Winter Soldier and suddenly decides that he’s more into Peggy than he is anything else. If you wanted to see more of Ragnorak’s Thor. If you wanted more for Natasha then her death, something that only bothers me/Odin with actual issues.