#I hate venting in public but only like 8 people follow me here and no one’s gonna see this most likely. I’ll delete later anyway.

[roachheavennow]

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[hamliet]

What do you think of Endeavour's character? Writing wise I mean not character wise.

Hoo boy. I think I've said a lot of this before, but I'm currently Feeling It so will take the chance to vent.

It's Not Great. But I'm not gonna get into the Great Retcon Debate or anything like that. Instead, I going to start off by explaining why Enji is compelling as a character.

Endeavor has the distinction of being one of the more interesting characters in the manga at the moment, and this makes him compelling. Why? Because he has internal conflict and stakes (aaand most of the kids don't). He has to choose his family over his hero duties, and Shouto keeps bringing this up, so the stakes and choice are still there at the moment (in a largely conflictless mess of a snoozefest arc).

However, I really, really am starting to worry Enji won't get to make that choice. Why? Because the narrative keeps serving Enji, rather than the other way around. But the narrative not serving him in some ways is precisely the interesting part--Natsuo won't forgive him, etc. So we're invested in the emotional stakes of his choices insofar as his family and being a hero is concerned.

Yet being a hero is somehow no longer seen as an obstruction to Enji being a father. Or at least, it's not framed that way since the reveal. Like, you would think Enji would face more consequences for Touya outing that he was a domestic abuser than just a couple panels of angry people. Now, this isn't me complaining about the character actually; it's me pointing out that this is lazy and boring writing which is creating a massive problem for Horikoshi as he approaches the manga's finale.

You would think the stakes would keep rising, because we should be approaching the story's climax and tensions are supposed to rise to build anticipation. What will the character choose? Will they be able to succeed? Even though we know BNHA is an optimistic superhero manga and therefore the answer is yes, we want to see the characters go plus ultra. We want to see them face insurmountable odds, be on the brink of failure, and press on. I mean, that's what Horikoshi even said his goals for the manga's message are: to keep going in the face of almost certain defeat.

Having Enji face ridicule from hero society would actually be good for creating this tension. On the other hand, you could go with everyone wiping it under the rug (as the manga is), but to balance that, you need to emphasize Enji's growing internal tension. That's not happening. There are some hints here and there from Shouto, but there isn't any focus on it because the current arc is bloated and could have been like five chapters (okay maybe ten). This conflict should be a major hook to keep reading, not an afterthought that pops up every couple of chapters for a panel. If the manga ends up having Enji save Touya with Shouto and end up never having to sacrifice his hero status, never having to choose his son over everything else, that's an absolute waste of what has been set up and of his character as a whole.

I would have said this is not gonna happen earlier, but after this arc, I'm not confident in the manga's storytelling anymore. Don't get me wrong; this isn't intended to be hate to Horikoshi: the man comes across as someone who is actually extremely sensitive and caring, and the poor guy has got to be close to burn out if not getting through on fumes. He should prioritize his own wellbeing above all else, and I'm tremendously grateful to him for gifting us with this story which I love to follow no matter what happens. But I do have my doubts about his editor, whose only major credential that's public has been editing Samurai 8, Kishimoto's first manga after Naruto... which got cancelled early. So. Yeah. That doesn't give me confidence in the editor, the editor's own comments don't give me confidence, and the fact that the manga has taken a noticeable slide in quality that almost perfectly aligns with when he started editing also doesn't give me confidence. This also is not hate on the editor who is probably inexperienced, but his work can be critiqued.

[cowboyshit]

twenty questions

tagged by: @dustofinsanity (thank you so much my dear!!!!!!)

what do you prefer to be called name-wise? honestly I’ll probably answer to most things as long as they aren’t mean. but ash, ashley, doe, those seem to be the solid three I’m known by around here when is your birthday? november 30th!  where do you live? in a tiny, backwoods cow-town smack dab in the middle of california three things you are doing right now? filling this questionnaire out, eating dinner I just finished cooking, and petting sadie with my foot since she’s curled up at my feet after she finished her dinner four fandoms that have peaked your interest. I guess I can go with four I’ve been heavily involved with, even though there’s plenty more than that since I’m a little fangirl at heart, but wrestling (obviously), black sails, the night shift, and pirates of the caribbean how has the pandemic been treating you? uh, I mean, it hasn’t been great and I’ve had to deal with some pretty bad shit as all of us have, and probably some of my worst mental health battles I’ve had to face in about a year or so, but honestly? I just kind of count my blessings these days. lucky to still be employed, even if my pay got a little cut it was nothing that keeps me from paying my bills. all I had to do was take away a few luxury things to make ends meet, and that’s a lot, LOT less than other people have had to do. so yeah, it’s been pretty shitty, this year has been bad news after bad news both personally and globally, but whatever. it could be worse. a song you can’t stop listening to right now? it is no-joke like a four-way tie. a bunch of good songs were in my discover weekly and I’ve been playing four of them on non-stop repeat one after the other. oh! and one my best friend showed to me. this baby don’t cry by k. flay, rock bottom by grandson, ok ok by hoko, and insurgents by the poolside by denny recommend a movie. i’ve jumped into holiday mood early af because tbh I need the holiday cheer, so keeping in that theme, I suggest the holiday with jude law because DUH how old are you? thirty! school, university, occupation, other? had some college, been working in my current career for the past ten years. hoping to pursue a promotion finally since my supervisors have been telling me for the past eight years that I need to promote do you prefer heat or cold? cold pleeeaaaase! I’m a radiator and put off heat like nobody’s business. I’m always warm. name one fact others may not know about you. this is hard because I just constantly blab everything about me, and I have two people who literally know EVERYTHING about me lmfao uhhh I guess... something people may not know... uhhh... on my dad’s side of the family one half was ashkenazi jewish who had to flee germany to avoid the holocaust, where they went to live in italy, while the other half were nazi’s committing some pretty bad stuff that my family won’t talk about, even to this day. funny how two descendants eventually met in america and fell in love, huh? and when they DID fall in love one of them was half italian and in the mafia! so I always joke that my bubbly cheerful self is a descendent of some pretty evil shit, and it feels like a nice little stab at those shitty ancestors of mine. are you shy? uhhh yeah and no??? like. I think I’m shy, since all interaction terrifies me and exhausts me, but everyone tells me I’m a social butterfly? and I’ve noticed in places I’m comfortable and confident, I do tend to be less shy and more involved and interactive? but I think I can be shy. a lot of waiting for other people to initiate because I’m too afraid to, struggling to talk or carry a conversation at times... I don’t know I think I’m overcomplicating this answer LOL preferred pronouns? she/her!  biggest pet peeves? gatekeeping, to be perfectly honest. I stopped following wrestling back in 2014 because when I first tried to get into the fandom, someone was trying to gatekeep a wrestler I also liked and had started making content for and they made me feel like shit for liking them, and I absolutely hated it. that’s why it took me an entire two years of quietly lurking in the wrestling fandom before I finally got brave enough to come out of the woodwork, and I’m grateful I’ve been so well received this time around. but now I’m hyper-sensitive to gatekeeping and I fucking hate it. no joke. and since it’s a pet peeve and I’m irked just remembering all that bs I went through, ima say I’m only a part of fandom to share my love of whatever that thing is with other people who love it too. I can’t stand anyone who thinks they have some sort of “claim” over a celebrity or a show or anything. get a different identity that isn’t wrapped up in that thing and stop seeing it as a threat when other people like it. be happy someone else is as passionate about that thing as you are and make a friend. damn. what is your favorite “dere” type? I’m pretty sure this is something with anime or that originated from anime, right? unfortunately I don’t know what they are so I can’t say LOL I don’t even know if I’m right about it coming from anime tbh rate your life from 1-10, 1 being crappy and 10 being the best it could be. 4, 5, but I’m putting in the foundation now and working to make it a 6, 7, or possibly 8 by a year or two from now. what’s your main blog? funnily enough? this one. my OTHER blog that was my main blog since I joined tumblr in 2009 got shoved to the side for this one last year LOL I assumed I’d log onto this blog once in awhile, but now it took over my whole damn life so here I am I guess list your side blogs and what they’re used for. I’m going to be fair and ONLY list my active ones because I have a few side blogs from when I role-played on tumblr that I haven’t touched in over a year. @doedreamss is my non-wrestling blog that WAS my main blog before this one, @cowboysht is my archive where I am ONLY putting my original gifsets/analysis/fanfiction so that one day I can offer people a blog of just my original work and no other posts (the queue is very slowly catching up I think I’ve queued posts up until june this year), @illfatedandstarcrossed is just a non-frequently used outlet for me to mope and dump emotions when I get sad about my relationship things (like a diary! but... public? and not my original thoughts? LOL), and then I have one more blog but it’s locked and private and it’s LITERALLY my diary where I can just vent when I got shit I wanna get off my chest but don’t necessarily want people to see it. Is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends? I probably won’t talk to you daily, tbh. I may not even talk to you weekly. socializing takes a lot out of me, on top of an already energy draining day-to-day in my personal life. I have a handful of people I connect with who I talk with frequently, but unfortunately as much as I’d love for it to be endless, I have to keep that list short for my own sanity. my infrequent conversations mean absolutely nothing about my lack of interest in you or how much I care about you. my granny once said I would be the perfect friend for someone you only want to talk to twice a month and she thought she was insulting me, but deadass I just said “YEAH! EXACTLY!!”

tagging: I really like this one so I WANT to tag people, but I feel braindead and also just want to post it cause I feel like I am definitely gonna forget to tag someone tbh aaaaahh okay okay I’m just gonna throw some names out there but please don’t feel pressured to do this (it is TWENTY questions) @kennyhoemega, @champbucks, @superkickparty, @adampage, @hintsofsunshine, @audreyhrnes, @sheslikealostflower, @lancearchers, @champnick, @janelanutella, @edgecution, @superrezzy00, @wardl0w, @writinglionqueen, @orangechuckiet, @hungmanhorsecarriage, @icouldbesus, @thatnerdwriter, @rampagewriting, @snarkandsarcasmftw, @tetsuyainthesky AND I DUNNO JUST ANYONE WHO WANTS TO OK I LOVE YOU ALL BYE

[reggies-eyeliner]

Rules for Requesting and Asks!

Heyo, you beautiful little bean! Before I start the rules and all that jazz:

(or shoulder pats, if you don’t like them hehe)

So: Rules. Oh boy. I’m not a fan of rules-- rules feel like it’s just “blah blah blah, do this, not that, blah blah” so Imma try to make these as easy as possible for y’all who are excited to ask >:D

1. Soulmate/Normal Matchups (Closed)

What I Ask of You:

You can be as detailed as you want, or you can just make it the bare minimum, do whatever is easiest for you, my dear :D

Just try to include enough about you so that I know which result/outcome would make you the most comfortable

I might be a bit dismissive, so I’ll send you a notif for when I get the ask! Anons are also 1000 percent welcome :]

Yes, I have dedication issues. This is why I’m only in love with fictional characters and not real people xD!

Oh, and I won’t match you with Willie or Alex unless you’re also a dude, but I might match you two has best friends!

Please try to be as respectful as possible in your ask 🥺🥺🥺

I’m not asking for you to worship me or scream at me with thank you’s, but just don’t scream at me for taking too long. Try not to curse every two words because I’m trying to keep my brain *jazz hands* holy

No, jkjk it’s just that there might be younger users reading over these xDD

OKAY SO ANYWAYS

Try to include:

I literally don’t care!! I want you to feel as free as possible while writing yours. Talk about anything you want. I don’t care if you speak of you and your passion for eating raw cookie dough (but same lmao), or if you hate almond milk. Just talk about whatever you want!! I’m here to make people smile and nothing else, sugarcakes! d;

What You Get in Return:

Over 500 words worth in writing per each fandom

Yes, over 500 (it hurts like heck but it’s *throws skittles* okay)

A gif/fanart piece per fandom

You’ll get yours back either: Within 3 days, if you only requested only one fandom and you were very nice hehehehehe , three days if you wre still hecking amazing but I was busy, or it can go to AT MOST, AT MOST I PROMISE around 18 days if I’m having: an exam week, a pinned post, getting a lot of asks, or yours was really complicated and my brain exploded

At times, it may never come if *cough* TUMBLR EATS IT

I will also throw you fifty virtual hugs and skittles

And yes, every ask comes with a thousand hugs, compliments, and shoulder pats!!

A bunch of dating headcanons

If you put in your name, yes, I can customize ;D

What the person I matched you with does when you feel down

How they support you

How you support them

90 percent of it is mainly me rambling about how sweet everyone who asks is, but what can I say? Y’all are precious as heck

Example of Matchup: Hi! Can I please have a matchup for a male character in Julie and the Phantoms (besides willie + alex)? I’m an INFP-T, 5′4″, Aries, and I’m also very annoying haha. I like writing, dance, and singing-- usually, I write a lot of fantasy novels and I want to be an author when I grow up! I also really like baking desserts, particularly brownies, and I also like to make mocktails if I ever get the chance. I love reading, John Green books especially, and I’m usually the funny person in the group to lift everyone’s spirits. Thank you so much :)

2. Band and Song Matchups (Closed)

These are definitely one of the most fun things to do! You can ask for this to be included in your other matchup, but a quick summary of it would be:

Send me your description, but this time add your physical description as well!

A few of the extra-curricular activities you do

Send up to 8 emojis describing your personality and aesthetic (haha it sounds weird but please trust me on this XD)

Your favorite JATP song

Your favorite genre, and/or your fashion style

And wabam, that’s it!

I’ll reply with who I’d see you as in the band, and what song you would be in Julie and the Phantoms. Seems ridiculous, but heyy ya know XD

3. Headcanons, Imagines, Blurbs, Scenarios, Full Stories

PLEASE SEND HOWEVER MANY NUMBER OF THESE LIKE AJAJJAJAJAJAJAJA

I’ll write for any “X READER” that you request

Literally anything

Angst, major character death, if you’re sad, I GOTCHU

Request for as many characters as you want!!

I can write NSFW, BUT I SUCK AT IT SO PLEASE TRY NOT TO REQUEST IT LMFAO

I’ll write everything else

No, like everything else ever

Okay I won’t write like a Reggie x Cowboy bootes but ya know (...that’s actually not a bad idea-)

It doesn’t just have to be a character insert, it can be anything else!! I really don’t mind :]

TRY TO INCLUDE:

What word count you want (or you can write that you’re chill with anything)

Your gender

Which POV you want it in

And I’ll send you what date I can get yours in!

4. Customized Asks:

I have never done this before, so this is kinda new!

IN CUSTOMIZED ASKS:

Put in a lengthy and concise description of yourself-- it should be a lot more detailed than a matchup. Include your personality type, a lot about your personality, anything you want to add, but make it worth it!! Write A LOT about yourself!! Also, be sure to include your name.

Once you have the full thing, private-message me (please make sure you have an account!!) and I’ll send you my Tumblr asks email so you can send your description (or, send it in the submit form or asks, if you’re okay with it being public).

In return, I write you a reader insert with your real name (not y/n hehe) and make it customized just for you. I’ll make it perfect (or try to,) with your personality, your height, your likes, your interests, and your name so that it’s built just for you and no one else!!

The best part??

YOU DON’T HAVE TO PAY ME REAL MONEY HEHEHEHEHHEH

That’s right! A customized ask that goes from 3,000-10,000 words that should come within three weeks! Instead, all I ask is for some support in any way 🥺🥺🥺 It can be through reblogs, (remember: REBLOGS> LIKES d;), a simple follow or shoutout, or even just a thank you. I’m only here to make people happy!! Thank you so much if you do plan on supporting <333</p>

4. Random Asks/Advice

Scream at me. Vent whatever you want to me. Ask me to help with your math homework. Your ELA homework. Ask for love advice. Tell me about what you did this morning. I LOVE, LOVE GETTING THESE ASKS!!

I love it when people come to me not just for asks and such, but just to tell me about their lives or to ask me quetsions!! And I bet a lot of other creators do, as well! So please support them <3</p>

SCREAM AT ME ALL YOU WANT HON, IM HERE TO LISTEN

I’m sorry that this was a bit long, but if you read the full thing, HIGH FIVE >:3

Thank y’all so much!! Stay safe ^U^

[kpoprp-multi]

the plot/au list

The following list of Genres shows you what kind of things I rp usually:

✔️= What I can do with you as an rp

❌= What I’m uncomfortable to rp as

➖= I would like to test it out on rare occasions

Credit: @thisisnoteuropeanstyle and the other writing prompt people I’ve copied and pasted from… thanks for that and the fact that it’s made publicly available for everyone to see, you’re the best!

(1)Al Invasion AU [❌]

(2)Al Human AU [ ➖ ]

(3)Alp/Beta/Omega AU [✔️]

(4)Andro AU [➖]

(5)Angel/Demon AU [✔️]

(6)Arranged Marriage AU [ ➖ ]

(7)Baby AU [ ❌ ]

(8)Bakery AU [✔️]

(9)Badboy(girl) meets Social awkward girl(boy) with a roasting problem AU[❌]

(10)Bookstore AU [✔️]

(11)Business AU [✔️]

(12)Coffee Shop AU [✔️]

(13)Crime AU [✔️]

(14)Darkside AU [✔️]

(15)Desert island AU [ ➖ ]

(16)Dystopian AU [✔️]

(17)Fairy Tail AU[✔️]

(18)Fantasy AU [✔️]

(19)Flower Shop AU [✔️]

(20)Genderswap AU [✔️]

(21)Hanahaki Disease AU [➖]

(22)Harem AU – Or Reverse Harem AU [❌]

(23)Haunted House AU [✔️]

(24)High School/College AU [hs ❌ /cl ✔️]

(25)Hogwarts AU [✔️]

(26)Hospital AU [➖]

(27)Hooker AU [➖]

(28)Hunger Games AU [ ➖ ]

(29) Hybrid AU[✔️]

(30)Ice Cream Shop AU [✔️]

(31)Law Enforcement/Military AU [❌]

(32)Mafia AU [✔️]

(33)Magic AU [✔️]

(34)Marriage Law AU [✔️]

(35)Master/Slave AU (Only if you’re over 18+) [➖]

(36)Merpeople AU/ Undersea AU[ ➖ ]

(37)Percy Jackson AU[✔️]

(38)The Red String/Soulmate AU [✔️]

(39)Anime AU [ ➖ ]

(40)Walking with my significant other and you but accidentally grabbed the wrong hand AU [✔️]

(41)Platonic living together AU[✔️]

(42)I hit you with my car and was the only one to visit you in the hospital AU[✔️]

(43)We met each other on a Sunday morning, both doing our walk of shame AU[✔️]

(44)My new dealer has friended me on Facebook and I’m unsure of how to react to that AU[✔️]

(45)A hopeless romantic and a horny beast are set up on a blind date AU[✔️]

(46)Painter/Writer au[✔️]

(47)Fake Dating AU[✔️]

(48)We hate each other but we both have a mutual friend so we have to put up with each other AU[✔️]

(49)Don’t tell anyone you saw me crying AU[✔️]

(50)You’ve been sleeping at mine because your house is being renovated and we aren’t even dating, yet every time you wake up to the baby crying and sigh, “I’ll go” I feel like we might as well be married for real AU[ ➖ ]

(51)We are the only two parents who agreed to attend the school trip (bonus: “So I guess we share this hotel room?”)[ ➖ ]

(52)Single parents AU[❌]

(53)We’re at a concert and I can’t see a thing let me sit on your shoulders, maybe? AU[❌]

(54)You’re afraid that you’ll lose me in big crowds so you always hold my hand but now you just hold my hand when there’s only, like, five people around and I’m getting very suspicious AU[✔️]

(55)So I know we haven’t talked in like, two years, and that things ended pretty badly between us but WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN you’re engaged to be married AU[✔️]

(56)Look, I know we agreed to be friends and everything but that’s what everyone says when they break up. I can’t take you asking me for advice on how to ask out the new person you’re interested in, okay? it’s killing me AU[✔️]

(57)It´s my [insert family relation here]´s wedding and seeing all these happy couples is killing me and all I can think about is how this was almost us AU[ ➖ ]

(58)My current partner is a huge asshole and I need a reason to break up with them so will you pretend to be my possessive and violent ex AU[ ➖ ]

(59)One Night Stand before the first of your new job and oops that was your new boss you were sleeping with AU[ ➖ ]

(60)Pen pals who vent at each other every week AU[❌]

(61)Oops friend looks like the only place to sleep in this house is this small, twin-sized bed, guess we’ll have to share AU[✔️]

(62)We sat next to each other during a really sad film and now we’re sharing tissues silently whilst we cry at the cinema AU[❌]

(63)We take a dance class together and our next routine calls for partnerwork, and we got put togeth-STop standing on my foot! AU[✔️]

(64)We’re literally the only two kids who ride this school bus maybe we should carpool or make out or something AU[✔️]

(65)Date auction for charity AU[❌]

(66)Strangers who end up on the kiss cam at a sporting event AU[❌]

(67)Bored single parents at a [Insert band] concert” AU[❌]

(68)Parents signed them up for the same shitty art program AU[❌]

(69)Look I’m glad you have a healthy sex life and all but will you please try not to pierce a whole through my ceiling with your bed, thanks. AU[✔️]

(70)My cat and your dog are totally in love, and I think it’s so cute until I realise that it’s your pet, because we kind of hate each other AU[✔️]

(71)Your mail keeps coming to my address which is really weird since they’re nothing alike, but it turns out our mutual friend who wants to set us up keeps switching the mail on purpose AU[✔️]

(72)I’m a waiter/waitress and you always sit in my section. I really like you and i thought you liked me back until you walked in here with a date, WHOOPS would you look at that I keep spilling stuff on them AU[✔️]

(73)That one asshole costumer that always comes in 5 minutes before the store is about to close AU[ ❌ ]

(74)We’re sitting next to each other on this plane and and I was eating gummies, but I left all the yellow and orange ones cause they’re absolute shit and now you’re asking if you can have them AU[✔️]

(75)My significant other just broke up with me and I impulse bought like 5 pizzas and a 3 floor cake. Can you help me eat them and make me feel less like shit? AU[✔️]

(76)We both got dragged to this concert for this shitty band by our significant others and we met in the crowd and spend the entire gig talking about better music and making fun of the shitty band AU[✔️]

(77)We’re both at this restaurant to meet blind dates, but we meet each other thinking that the other person is the blind date we were supposed to be meeting AU[✔️]

(78)You’re famous and I was hired by your management to date you for public appearances, but now I’m kinda into you cause you’re actually a really cool person, but you don’t give a shit about me AU[ ✔️ ]

(79)You’ve locked yourself outside of your apartment and there’s a storm rolling in and I pity you so I’ll let you into mine AU[✔️]

(80)Your grandma is really forward even though I swear we’re just friends AU[❌]

(81)I got the fake number from your friend and started texting you, thinking it was them but you’re too sweet to me that you continue on with this lie just to make me happy[✔️]

Note: You can use up to 4 AUs in our private chat, nothing more and as long as they fit in well together.

AU= Alternative Universe

This is for you guys who sometimes don’t know what you wanna do for a rp! 💖

[justseveralowls]

I’ve spent over 16 hours in two different ERs and I’d like to vent

CW: Doctors hospitals, chronic illness, incompetence, female hysteria, humiliation, mental health stigma,

What follows is my original post made on Thursday, there is a update as of today at the end and the news is not all bad. This is made to spread awareness talk about an issue I feel is way too often ignored and most importantly let other people feeling this they aren’t alone.

So. I have ehler danlos syndrome, celiac, endometriosis, fibromyalgia, and an (so far) otherwise specified seizure disorder. So basically I am a medical dumpster fire. Getting a or in my case several diagnosis has been a long terrifying and grueling for both me and my partner. We have enountered many doctors and nurses who were kind attentive willing to listen and knowledgeable about my Miriad of admiditally uncommon diagnosis. But today I am so incredibly hurt, frustrated, angry and scared and I want to put this out there because this is part of the many problems that chronically ill and disabled people face everytime they walk into a doctors office, emergency room or even out in public.

So I look sick, it’s obvious and it’s been obvious for a long time. I sit at around a six to seven on a pain scale most of my life, which sucks. I have chronic nausea and weight loss that makes me weak and thin in a sick way, which also sucks. But by far the hardest thing is hoe many people refuse to take my seriously. So today after three months on a waiting list I saw a gastroenterologist. I was scared, underweight, sick and tired. I wanted answers like always and let my partner drag me into a beige fluorescent room to try and make some sense. Overall the doctor was nice, but put heavy emphasis on my past of CPTSD from repeated abuse, and implied that my weight loss and severe gastrointestinal problems could be “just a side effect of my anxiety”. That was dehumanizing to say the least. Because I know I’m traumatized, I’ve sat in therapists offices and cried, I’ve pulled myself together, fought addiction and anorexia and I know that I’m healing. I know it’s his job to look between the lines but I also want to just have a chance to be understood, and not dismissed as a psych case.

Later today I had an episode of vomiting and loss of consciousness, over all not great stuff. So my partner in their amazing sense of love and compassion took me to th ER. Because that’s where you’re supposed to go when you’re scared, sick, hurt, in danger and don’t know what to do.

My experience there was by far the worst I’ve ever had. My vitals were highly abnormal (high pulse at rest, low BP, and low pulse ox). I was having neurological symptoms related to my seizure disorder and instead was given a barrage of tests that had nothing to do with why I was there, the condition I repeatedly told them I had, or the worrying vitals. So after two hours a head CT and useless blood work the ER doctor looked at me and my partner (who was forced to wait in the car in 94 degree weather) and told me I was fine and dehydrated.

I’m a nursing student, I’m new, I’m a novice at the most, and I have a lot to learn. But never could I imagine having a chronically patient, with abnormal labs and vitals with numerological involvement be given saline and discharged. My partner and I were terrified because we didn’t know what else to do. I needed help. I needed answers. I needed them to hear me. After me panicking my partner told me that we should try again. Because doctors are here to help us, and if your scared and there’s something wrong they took an oath to help.

So I called the nurse who was awesome, he went and got the doctor and I was ready to make my case. My partner at this point as well as me were terrified frustrated and close to tears. And this ER doctor after hearing our concerns, my history (with chronic illness and anorexia) proceeded to throw up her hand and as’ my partner “what they her to do”. This was shocking but sadly it doesn’t end here. The doctor proceeded to insist that I was fine and the situation was both non emergent and out of her hands. I responded in a passive way because at that point I was scared triggered and exausted. And I asked what she thought I should do”. And the words that came of her mouth hurt me and made more angry than any four syllables ever has.

“Psych referral”

Now let me something straight. I am a survivor, I am working in me healing, I am growing and changing for the better. I take my meds go to therapy and work everyday to get a little better. But this woman who obviously hadn’t read my chart which denotes not only my diagnosis, psychological history, and notEs from speacialists on the severity of my physical condition has just implied that I’m crazy. This was horrible but 8 could see how it would seem that I am overreacting but, due years of gaslighting, medication being forced on me to cover abuse and trauma, I hate being called that. It’s not a real term, nor does it help anyone, nor does it doing anything but make me remember the nights I spent wondering if that word was me.

In one visit, one person managed to dehumanize, humiliate dismiss me and maybe risk my life based on the fact that 8 wasn’t worth the time it took to read my chart.

It so incredibly weird to have to say this but I as a queer, gay, chronically ill, Latin person am in fact still a human being WHOS painand concerns deserve as much respect as anyone else. We all deserve to be helped and heard and people like this are one of the many reasons that I and so many others are scared to ge5 help, scared to tell the full story, or scared to speak up. This kills people. This is killing people. And this is why I in all my chronically glory and working so hard to advocate and move forward in medicine as a whole. Because nobody deserves that. Because I didn’t deserve to sit in an ER terrified and be told I was crazy. Because my partner doesn’t deserve to be dismissed and mocked for being scared. Because I nor anyone else have to prove I am sick enough or disabled enough to be worth someone’s time.

I hope anyone who reads this and understands even a little. Who’s been through it, whose family and partners have been through it know that this is not okay, that this not your fault, and that you are by no means crazy. That the people who make feel like burden or an annoyance are the problem. Because you deserve to be heard. I m hoping everybody’s doing okay, I’m hoping your journeys are treating you well. Because as always no matter who are, where you are and what you’re feeling you are not alone, you are worthy and I believe you.

***Update**

I later went to a larger hospital not in my home town, and through a long stay in the ER got a formal epilepsy diagnosis, given a anti convulsants drug, and overall treated like a human being. I now have contact with their epilepsy unit and have the tool and education I need to start this part of my chronic illness journey. I’m exhausted and getting used to knew meds but am highly grateful for the good doctors out there, the nurses who listen and the partner who was angelic enough to be with me through it all.

[mrswhozeewhatsis]

To stop the accusation that I’m dragging this out to please the drama llamas, I’ve studied everything I got (and spent a fair amount of time searching for things on blogs), and managed to whittle things down to their bare essentials. I’ve also tried to talk to everyone about everything, which took time. I won’t address everything that everyone has said on both sides, just a few points that are either concrete, or I can’t address them privately for whatever reason.

The timeline as I’ve been able to piece it together is like this:

Vanessa made a post about more popular writers complaining about lack of feedback. 

Beka messaged Vanessa wanting to know why Vanessa had a problem with her.

Vanessa responded in a way that upset Beka.

Beka blocked Vanessa.

Vanessa got around the block and sent anonymous asks to Beka.

Beka outed Vanessa by responding to the asks publicly.

Vanessa deactivated her blog.

Friends of both proceeded to attack each other.

Claims about Beka (this is not a complete list):

Only supports her friends on her blogs and in Pond Angel Fish Awards

Although it’s been a couple of months since Beka has reblogged fics from other writers at all, by going back through her #read with me tag, I see reblogs of fics from at least a dozen different writers just in May and June. I’ve only been tracking Angel Fish Awards since February, but since then, Beka has nominated 8 stories by 8 different writers.

Ignored asks for Big Fish advice sent to her blog

If there were a way for me to prove this, then I wouldn’t be listing it here. As it is, it’s impossible to prove. As a Pond admin, I’ve experienced the weirdest stuff with asks. I spent one evening chatting with a member while they repeatedly tried to send in asks, and we didn’t get a single one. I do know that asks sent via the app seem to be more likely to be eaten than asks sent via desktop, but asks sent both ways have disappeared. 

There are other claims, this is not a complete list, but I will be addressing them with Beka personally (I have already started doing this, actually). I’m only including these two because they can be proved or disproved with facts. Some of the other claims have been leveled against Big Fish in the Pond other than Beka, as well. The Pond will deal with those privately, but we hope you will see an improvement in these areas when the Pond returns from hiatus.

Claims about Vanessa:

I’ve talked to Vanessa about these, without anything constructive coming from it. I tried. I tried to explain to her that she could have gotten further by using less provocative language and offering constructive suggestions. We ended up having the same old arguments about unrelated issues and going around in circles. The only thing Vanessa ceded was that she should not have continued to reach out to Beka after Beka blocked her. She has apologized for this. I don’t need to list the rest here, just know the conversation happened and nothing came of it.

Claims about Beka’s opposition:

Made unsubstantiated claims about Beka sending herself anon hate

I’ll be the first to tell you that I don’t have a single clue how to figure out who has sent an anonymous ask on Tumblr. However, what I do know is that it requires access to the inbox the ask was sent to. In order for someone who is not Beka to say that Beka sent herself an anonymous ask, they would have had to have hacked into her account, somehow. I don’t know much about this, but it sounds illegal. Since there was proof of this offered, it’s a useless claim.

Picked apart posts on her personal blog and said they were intended for her writing audience when they were not

Beka’s personal blog was, she thought, relatively private. It was not meant for her readers to see. (There is an argument to be made about how it’s still a public blog that the world can see, but the charge is that she intended for her readers to see it and respond, and that is not the case.) Yet, someone took it upon themselves to stalk it, and then match posts between the two blogs, making it look like it all came from one blog. They then took their argument to the absurd and claimed she was using her mental health issues to drum up patrons on her Patreon. If that were the case, then it all would have been on her writing blog. But it wasn’t.

Belittled Beka’s cries for help, and then attacked her further

I don’t care if you didn’t believe her when she said she was on the edge, you just don’t do that, folks. That right there is the point where you either walk away or report her to Tumblr as a threat to herself. The last thing you do is double down on your attacks. Take a break, walk away, find a kinder, gentler way to make your point. I don’t care who they are or what they believe or have done, when someone puts the gun to their head, you do not tell them they are an awful human being.

Dissected every post, word by word, including auto tags, using intentionally provocative language

Not every post made was like this, but a lot were. This is high school stuff, guys. To rip apart words used by someone obviously in pain instead of reaching through and looking for the meaning behind it is petty and cruel. Not to mention it takes so much more energy to dig into things like that than to just respond to the meat of things. To take someone’s blog name and twist it into a degrading moniker is sickening. To attack words used in an effort to distract from the topic at hand, or to just add on to the already heaping pile of anger you’re throwing around is unconscionable and pointless. This is not what people who are coming from a place of love or kindness do. This is what you do when you hate someone, and that’s just not cool, guys.

Brought up old issues thought to have been settled a long time ago

My husband calls this “stamp collecting.” There’s a statute of limitations on things, and it depends on the thing, but my personal limit on Tumblr is about two weeks. If nothing has been said about something for two weeks, I assume it’s in the past and I try to move on. I say this because, if it weren’t settled, then we’d all still be working on it, right? If something is bothering me, and I work on it with someone, but I’m not happy, then I’m gonna keep working on it with that person. If they seem to forget (which happens because we’re all human), then I’m gonna send them a quick message. “Hey there! I’m still working on this thing. Can we talk about it again?” I do this with contractors who work on my house. I did this with clients when I worked in an office. To bring up something that happened a long time ago like it’s still an active issue is pointless, and goes against one of the main tenets of effective arguing.

Taking obvious glee in tearing down another person

Do I really have to talk about this? If you had any care for the other person, even enough to just care that they are a person, you would not gloat about how you’re going to tear them apart.

Really, all of this stuff comes down to if you are approaching the world and everything you do from a place of love or from a place of anger and pain. Even if you are angry and in pain, treat other people like you love and respect them, and you will find that everything is just better. 

If you feel like I’m coming down on one side or the other of this situation, just know that I’m not. Pretty much, I don’t like things that were done by both sides. These are just the things I feel more comfortable talking about in a public post like this.

Other stuff that’s come up in the course of all of this:

Complaining about notes/followers

So many writers, lately, are frustrated. Tumblr sucks balls on a good day when it comes to notifications and the whole algorithm mess, and that’s still being generous. In an effort to keep the porn blogs at bay, they’ve stifled all creators. Add to that how tags seem to never work when you’re searching for something, and disseminating your work is nearly impossible.

I could tell you all the different ways you can change your focus on the readers you do have, give you lists of things you can do to expand your audience, and offer advice about not comparing yourself to other writers. But you’ve already heard all of that. So, I’m just gonna say it.

If you complain publicly about a lack of notes or followers, you’re gonna look like a dick.

That doesn’t mean you are a dick. You’re just gonna look like one. You’re going to look like you’re ungrateful for the readers that you do have, which is going to turn off those readers, and you’ll end up with even fewer notes and followers. If you manage to disparage other writers while you’re complaining, you’re gonna look like an even bigger dick. So, just don’t do it, unless you don’t mind looking like a dick. 

Need to vent about it? Find a close friend and send it to them in a private message. Have a funny thought about it that you want to share? This is exactly what private messages are for. Create a group DM in discord. Heck, I think even Tumblr has a group chat option, now. Just, don’t put it on your blog, unless you want to lose followers. 

The number of admins at the Pond

Some folks seem to think that the Pond needs to add more admins in order to react more quickly when something goes down. Honestly, I have talked to Mana and Kale about stepping down as admin because I believe the opposite is true. We have a policy that we all must agree on the big things. However, we are separated by 8 time zones. There is a rare hour every few days (sometimes it’s weeks) when all three of us are awake and not occupied with caring for family members. We have a private group chat thing where we each toss ideas and questions and such into the pot when we’re doing things. When the others get to it, they add their two cents. Usually, there are two of us active at a time, and then we wait for the third to stop by for approval. Often, the third has a question or argument that then needs to be addressed, but the first or second one isn’t available. More admins would only be a good thing if we were all in the same time zone. But we’re not. We are an international group, which I believe is a good thing, but the downside is that it slows us down. Sometimes, being slow is a good thing, too. Generally, at least one of is calm and level-headed at any given time. It shifts on who that one is, but they keep us from doing anything rash.

The whole problem is that no one feels like they can tell you when there’s a problem

I’ve heard this so many times, now, but I haven’t responded to it publicly, so here goes. 

Most of you don’t know what I’m like in person, but I’m built like a linebacker. I’m tall, I’m heavy, and I have wide shoulders. I have literally scared small children. Take Jared Padalecki, add another Jared Padalecki on the side, and then take away all the pretty, and you come close to what I’m like when you see me walking down the street. 

I don’t want to be a scary person that anyone is afraid to approach. My goal in life is to be kind and fair. I will give you second and third chances, because I know how awful it feels to be written off. 

My ask box is always open. My chat windows are always open. My email address is mrswhozeewhatsis@gmail.com. I’m the same on discord and skype. I don’t care if you think your thing is stupid, if it’s something that’s bothering you, and I can help, then I want to help. I can’t always help, but I always want the opportunity to try.

If I have ever done anything that made you feel like I didn’t care, then I give you permission to tell me. I’ll hate hearing it, but I need to hear it. 

If I have forgotten to follow up on something for you, PLEASE REMIND ME. Holy, cow, I have a TERRIBLE memory. It’s really bad. I have tricks and stuff that I do to try to make sure I don’t lose track of things, but it still happens. Please, come back to me and remind me that I promised you something. I guarantee that I will not be mad or upset. I will be glad, because you’re helping me to be the person I want to be.

I think that’s about it. The Pond is still on hiatus, indefinitely. We have a lot of things we’re talking about for if/when we come back, and some of them are really exciting to me. I hope we come back. I hope we can make the Pond what we always meant it to be. We’ll need help, and constant feedback from our fishy family, but I still have hope.

[plainvanillapotato]

the 100 diaries S2 E12

quarantine: may 31 2020

season 2 episode 12: “Rubicon”

the guy is running. watch he just die and no one gets clarkes message. i would love it if clarkes plane just backfired but of course they save him. 

ok but wait why was cage just random carrying a oxygen tank when he himself doesnt even need one.

tsing out here with her own personal army. then just plucking these kids one by one. damn 

these grounders really be listening to clarke just because lexa said so?? damn these grounders be loyal minus gustus and that one guy that tried to kill clarke but then got eaten by king kong

is raven really the only person out here doing all this crap?? like does clarke not realize how big of an ask shes asking of raven? raven is magic and shit but she has some limitations just to be somewhat realistic. just chill the fuck out clarke raven is doing the best out here arguably more than clarke.

i love how bellamy is still wearing that hat still looking like sean malto. but also how has someone not noticed him? but i guess bellamy like joe from you as in if he wears a hat he magically blends in.

“...all of this is for nothing” way to put pressure on prettyboy bellamy like he didnt already know that. chill clarke everyone is trying their best out here. ngl i would hate to have clarke as a manager cuz i think she would micromanage the shit out of people. 

remember in the last episode when clarke asked what her job was well i think that i figured it out:

i also wanna mention that finn literally died idk less than a week ago but clarkes in charge being out and about commanding people years her senior. i get that we had that whole episode dedicated to how finns death affects clarke but still she got over that pretty quick. a little too quick. but i guess that if youre a sky person your emotional metabolism is just through the fucking roof...

ooo clarke still be salty toward her mom. but yeah kane is kinda an enabler

but why do these people have clear paper. the art department is feeling themselves on that one. like is it because they wanted to be edgy and futuristic or is it from an actual realistic viewpoint that the space people dont have trees to create paper................does this also mean that the space people didnt have toilet paper???????? but also back to the paper thing did these kids never learn how to write in cursive??? since i would imagine actual writing utensils are limited so idk if they waste it on teaching kids cursive. actually tho does anyone have an answer to these questions??? 

where did jaha get that antler stick. i kinda want one. i like to imagine that he just saw it lying somewhere on their way to the desert and said to himself i would look epic holding that stick and then went to pick up and started using it even tho he doesnt actually need a walking stick....any hunter x hunter fans?

jaha’s mask at 8:29 is an example of what not to wear during corona season

“thanks for the water?”...while looking down a bit flustered ”its, uh..it was no problem” emori and murphy? ship?

bellamy crawling through air vents to save the day...magenta from sky high who??

also bellamy’s ear piece is giving me everything. *i know that the following meme is just a tiny phone but i just really like it so idgaf

again with the inaccuracy of bone marrow extraction.

but what really gets me is clarke recognizing what procedure is going o just by the sound of a drill. ok who is she? she be like the boy that can identify a vacuum just by the sound. For those that don’t know what I’m talking about:

https://youtu.be/Ar5nLNku0CM

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A missile?? where did these people get a missile

But also imagine if clarke was like actually i didn’t catch any of that conversation and bellamy just had to recap it like Luis in ant-man. I would die

thats a lot to ask of raven clarke. Like i could never get that shit done no matter how long you gave me. Yeah ppl be screwed if i was part of the 100

That hug btw Clarke and raven...ship? Jk i know it was just a friendship hug but yah can never know with these writers. Like i honestly wouldn’t be surprised if the writers said enemies (being part of that love triangle with finn) to friends to lovers

murphy and emori are definitly a ship. walking together behind with everyone else. Murphy said “i killed two people. I had my reasons but nobody cared.” Fuck you murphy you killed them cuz you a salty bitch. I also hate how he says this so blasé. Like dude want?? Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Murphy also said im the bad guy. Murphy is a billie elish fan?? Duh.

woah when that girl pulled out her claw????? I fell out of my seat. its actually huge. she could grab a whole basket all. They did a great job concealing/ not drawing attention to her hand before like i was so fucking surprised.

“Its pretty badass” and murphy looking at that claw tho...murphy is into kinky shit. But also that look he gave her while she walked away that was the most genuine look I’ve ever seen out of murphy.

Bellamy shoving jasper into a wall and whispering...bellamy and jasper? ship?

this secret talk between bellamy and Dante....bellamy and president Dante? ship?

But i also like to imagine that during this meeting that bellamy has the song dont be suspious. Dont be suspious playing in his head

woah. Mountain man said inconito mode activated. Reminds me of one of those green soldiers in toy story especially during the opening scene of i think the first movie

This character development in clarke is something else like remember when she talked about the grounders wanting finn out in the open and not in private causing a huge public uproar. Look at her now talking in private with Lexa about the missile. Phenomenal character growth if you ask me.

they really put all their eggs in one basket with bellamy. But bellamy be a really good basket tho. Trust Lexa trust.

where tf did this guy get an RPG??

Woah Emori be the real bad guy. But honestly she could slit Murphy’s throat and he would still live because cockroaches can still live without their head.

raven you should have just shut up. You really dropped the ball there.

lincoln???? What are the chances??? Isn’t he still a druggie?? Honestly octavias little speech would not motivate me at all. If anything it would make me want to take more drugs. At this point i would just say to Lincoln “dont fight it”

i like how they took everything but they let jaha keep his stick.

caspian is reall dressed like a hipster that sells artisanal kombucha

Jaha really has some faith in murphy...jaha and murphy? ship?

Also that was a really good shot of them murphy, jaha, and their crew climbing up the hill with a giant moon in the background

Lexa is giving me padme vibez wearing that head scarf like that

they were going to let kane and indra die

yeah sorry to break it to you abby but your child is a killer but then again so are you sooo..you really cant be out here to judge your kid like that. Like mother like daughter. But you really cant lecture clarke on this. you literally gave your husband up and you let your daughter blame her best friend for it. And on top of this you were part of the council that sent 100 kid down to earth without even knowing if earth was survivable. ma’m get the fuck outta here.

but all those lives for bellamy. i think its worth it. Because bellamy is worth everything.

theyre linking arms they got monty no!! absolutely not. they took jasper but i gotta say better he than monty bc Monty is king. Yeah jasper really fumbled with that gun. Really not smart. jasper should have just shot tsing instead

Oof a containment breach. wow what an epic door stop. Sooo loong tsing. That was such a cruel death tho but yeah she kinda deserved it.

Does Dante play the cello?? A real renaissance man isn’t he?

wow this makes octaiva and lincoln like an epic couple that conquered the world. power couple. Goals *gag* but ok does that mean that Lincoln just stopped cold turkey just like that?? Hes just automatically better? No this is not how drug addiction works. But ok sure Jan.

[stlgeekgirl]

Today was...a day.  

I need to vent and I’m just gonna do it here...Under the cut

Back in April of this year, I went to a con.  I spent the weekend surrounded by so many wonderful and generally excited people that when I left, I left with the thought that I would take this to social media and follow some people outside my chosen group.  We all like different things but we all liked the same show, so it gave us a common ground to start from. 

I follow scholarly people, fannish people, shippers, I follow LQBTQA+ people and those who aren’t.  

For nine months I have listened, stayed out of conversations and just listened to why people like what and who they like.  I’ve listened to angry meta on canon text, recommendations on other meta writing,s pastiches, essays.  ive listed to discussions on why people thought certain episodes were crap and discussions on why people though certain episodes were necessary and well done. 

I cheered when authors turned their fanfic into original stories and published them.  I’ve made a few friends along the way.  Good friends.  We understand that there’s one thing that we will always agree to disagree on but my life is still richer for knowing them.

Here’s the rub-  There’s only so long one can keep quiet. Especially when their favorite character is continually being downplayed, bashed, insulted, and their narratives changed.  Yes, I vent, but I do not tag nor follow the original post because that would be mean.  I do always try to be at least nice.  

Today, I vague posted.  Apparently, the post was not vague enough.  I’m just surprised that it took nine months for the proselytising to begin. I thought it would begin much sooner. 

So, to answer charges laid against me; ship what you like.  I will always support a person shipping what they like but please, extend me the same courtesy.  When watching shows, I see something different than others who ship something else.  Full stop.  That is not going to change.  Our interpretations are different and that’s fine.  Please stop with the day-long witnessing, especially after I tell you I’m not going to debate it and that we are going to have different opinions.   That’s Not Good. 

Now the things I want to address: The binary or non-binary people one might be attracted to or who people are in a real-life relationship with in no way had any bearing on who they ship.  It is not only rude but dangerous to ask someone their sexual orientation in relations to who they ship.  Such questions might not be able to be answered publically because of reasons.  It’s a dick move.

Lastly, and I’m guessing this was a slight because it was delivered passive aggressively.  I am so tired of continually being told I am not a “real fan” of something just because I don’t ship the “popular ship”.  Just because someone is a queer fan doesn’t make them right.   I can name a half a dozen hetro fans who agree with the theory that X was shit.  Does their anger not count or is less than?  Alternatively, I can name a half a dozen queer fans who liked X.  Does that make them “Fake gays”? 

I’m tired.  I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished over these past nine months, crossing over walls and expanding my circle, listening or reading about their experiences and I’ve even come to tentatively agree with some of their theories wholly unconnected with anyone but the main characters. 

But I’m tired of the fake outrage, the piggybacking off of my things so that it’s getting to the point that I feel uncomfortable posting anything.  I’m taking my life back.  This experience today reminded me why a large portion of the fandom hates this small subset. Because it’s a cult.  6 traits out of 10.

2. The group suppresses skepticism .

3. The group delegitimizes former members

  4. The group is paranoid about the outside world

5. The group relies on shame cycles

7. The group uses “thought reform” methods

8. The group is elitist 

I’m making changes.  I’m taking my social media back.  If that means I’m blocking people and by blocking people, “they” win, then by all means, mark that notch on your belt.  But I’m tired of feeling uncomfortable on my feeds.  I”m stepping back over the fence.  Congrats, enjoy your inner circle. 

[myeternalsin]

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!

Hello everyone! 2020… WOW. Can I just say that it has been a complete and utter rollercoaster! IT’S BEEN AWFUL! I am making this post to explain multiple things about myself, my stories, my accounts, etc, so grab a cup of your favorite drink and finger snacks because this is gonna be one long a*$ post! (Excuse my French, but considering everything I’m about to explain I felt like I needed to write that!)

First off, 2020. I believe everyone thought that 2020 was going to be their year. Everyone had their hopes and spirits high to the skies. I was one of those many people. I celebrated New Years Eve with my boyfriend of 3 and a half years and thought this year would be perfect. Valentines day on a Friday, my 21st birthday on Easter, 4th of July on a Saturday, etc. COVID-19 happened. I live in Cedar Rapids Iowa where honestly, my governor had and still has done sh*t about COVID-19. 

Around the end of March I was hit with some very hard information. 

The daycare I worked at, 8-5, as a full time job during the week of spring break had it’s numbers DROP. I went from a class of 12 children to a minimum of 4 a day to a maximum of 7 children. I was even given Wednesday off along with my teacher assistant as we were TOO overstaffed at the center. Usually when I leave work at 5 o'clock, there’s about 20 to 25 children left by the end of the day since we close at 6. I should have known that Monday that the week was going to get worse. There were only 6 CHILDREN at the center when I left EARLY at 4:30. The next day I came home at 10 since we were overstaffed again, and was called at noon that our daycare was shut down. I’m laid off. Start filing for unemployment. 

I was completely HEARTBROKEN. I was truly hoping to stay open, not for the pay or to “get the virus so I can stay home” as some of my co workers joked-but to stay open for the CHILDREN. I was praying that they could get through this and that this whole COVID-19 would blow ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL over soon… boy, was I WRONG! 

I celebrated my 21st birthday at the apartment with my boyfriend instead of bar hopping since everything was shut down. I was completely and utterly BOARD. I had no clue what to do with myself! During this time, my boyfriend was also stuck in the apartment instead of at the office. While we were at the apartment, there was this trend on TikTok called the “towel drop challenge”. I was honestly thinking that since were both cooped up in this tiny apartment that was could, ya know, get it on~

Three and a half years. I was with this boy for three and a half years without ever losing my V-card! I mean, we’d tried on multiple occasions but I just never got my cherry popped. I was told by my mom that any boy would have taken my virginity by now and not waited this long. I even asked him a year after we were together if he was possibly gay or asexual. Which wouldn't have been a problem AT ALL! I have no hate against him however he identified sexually, I just wished that he would have told me or he would have done something about it. 

That fateful day, I let him know that I wanted his time and attention. He could have walked away from his computer. There were times where he’d either be on his phone with his head down while “working”, or he’d come out into the living room to play a video game for half an hour while still “logged in and working”. I was hoping to just get ten minutes of his time. I was lying in my bed, naked and waiting for him. I know he saw me too, yet he didn’t do anything. It was the end of his work work shift, and I was waiting with anticipation for him to just POUNCE on me. 

He gave me a kiss on the forehead and said, “I’m going downstairs to do laundry.”

My whole entire being shattered. I was completely DEVASTATED. I always asked myself after every time we tried having sex if something was wrong with me. Was I not pretty enough? Is it because I got bigger throughout the years we were together? Was it because I was inexperienced? Was I performing wrong on him when we would do stuff? I was pretty sure I was attracted to him both physically and personality wise. So what was wrong?

I got so upset and started screaming and yelling at him while crying everything out about not only what he just did, but about everything. In the end, I just collapsed on the bed and said “I want to go home.” I was like a broken record, uttering that saying over and over again.

So, I moved out. I am still living with my parents, and honestly it was rough and still is. I became so depressed. This boy was my best and sadly only friend I ever had. I had pushed away all of the friends I used to have because of him. I tried contacting some old friends, but they had all moved on with their lives. Everyone’s getting married, engaged, having kids, having pets, graduating college. I had nothing, or at least it felt like it at the time.

No friends, no boyfriend, moved in with my parents, and no job.

That’s right. The owner of the daycare never hired me back on, along with six other staff members. Around the beginning of July, I was wondering why I hadn’t been contacted to come back to work. I was willing to travel even though I didn’t live in that city anymore because of the breakup. I was notified by a coworker that they were back to work already a month ago and she was wondering where I was! I called the daycare and never went through to anyone about why I wasn't back.

I felt so useless. A failure. Disappointment. I wanted to not exist. 

I knew that I shouldn’t have had these thoughts, and it scared the shit out of me that my mind was not only thinking it-but the feeling and urge to actually follow through with it.

So, I contacted my doctor. Got some antidepressants, and am trying to get a therapist at the moment. My doctors building with their therapist are practically booked with everything going on. It’ll still be a little bit before I can talk to someone. I was told by my doctor to try to find something to do that peaks my interest. I thought of my work and you guys. I’m proud of the writing I have and can’t believe I left you guys hanging, both on request and stories. I found something I could do to lift my spirits up yet again!...

PHSYIC!

August 10th 2020, I woke up at 10 in the morning. I made a hearty breakfast and an iced coffee for the first time in FOREVER! I was pumping myself up to get on here and to start writing again! After I was done eating, the city sirens went off.

“Is there a tornado?” I asked my parents. They themselves didn’t know either because both cable and the electricity went out as soon as I asked. We all hurried downstairs with all three and a half dogs as the wind picked up and the rain became more heavy. (I said a half because M,W,F we babysit my sister's little beagle dog.)

We sat and waited for the storm to be over and we were wondering what was going on. My dad was about to get up when BOOM! The house shook and vibrated all around us.

My mom started crying hysterically, my dad tried to comfort the dogs and create a barrier for them not to go upstairs, and I just kinda sat there. It was like I wasn’t really registering what was going on. Maybe it was because I was trying to stay positive? Maybe a couple branches just smashed the siding of the house or window? Were the antidepressants not allowing me to cry and freak out? I wasn’t sure what was going on with me at the time. 

The rain stopped and my parents went upstairs to check everything out while I stayed downstairs with the dogs.

“Drip!”

“Argh! What the!?” I exclaimed as I showed my flashlight on my phone to the ceiling. It was dripping from the heating and cooling vent. I saw other droplets of water along the Styrofoam tile ceiling, and followed the trail towards the small kitchen area where there was water IN the ceiling light!

“Uhhhh, guys?” I yelled to my mom and dad upstairs.

“Wait a couple minutes sweetie!” My mom responded back as I started to hear their hurried feet running around upstairs.

“We got water coming downstairs!” I hollered as I grabbed a couple of empty solo cups I had downstairs since I was living down there to start collecting the water.

“Yeah? That’s ’cause we got a hole in the house!” My dad yelled.

The big tree in the backyard that was planted from the previous owner back in the 1950’s crashed into the living room from this storm we later learned 3 days later called Derecho. We’ve been recovering for about a month now. Almost everything is back to normal. 

We got power and water back 2 weeks ago from today, the internet back a week ago, and cable has been kind of wonky. We’ve been wanting nothing but the news and were able to have cable for ONE DAY. It crashed and we still don’t have cable. We’ve tried antennas but they just aren’t working in our location. 

The downstairs floor is ruined. We had to rip out the carpet and the floors now have asbestos. I live upstairs now in the guest room and we’re pretty much confined to the entry way since we still have a huge hole in the living room. No comfortable seating either. We’re hoping to hear back from the insurance claim sometime this week… but there's a possibility that we might just have to move if the damage is too much. 

To put the good old fashioned cherry on top, one of our dogs may no longer be with us this week. She hasn’t eaten in the past couple of days and is only drinking water. We’re taking her to the vet tomorrow to see what’s going on, or if she’s suffering too much.

Honestly… 2020 can F#@! OFF! It’s been such an awful year! But! I am ready to get back into the swing of things and get back to writing and writing for you guys again!

I was going to explain some things about my accounts and rules but I feel a tad bit drained after writing this all out, and I haven't typed on a keyboard in so long! My wrists HURT! Give me a couple of hours and I'll be back with a PSA part 2! I will be posting this to all of my accounts so no one is left out of the loop. Be back soon! 

~MyEternalSin

[uzumaki-rebellion]

“Stark’s New Intern” Chp. 8

Summary: Erik takes a quick road trip to search for what his father has hidden...

"Free like the bluest sky Free like mountain's eye Free like... free like...free like...free like Free like the brown in my eye Free like the tears that I cry Free like...free like...free like... free like Free like a willow tree Free like a summers eve Free like the waves are crashing on the side of a solitary beach…"

Jill Scott – "Free (Epilogue)"

Erik handed a seventeen-thousand-dollar cashier's check to the salesclerk holding his I.D. and motorcycle license. The Kawasaki Ninja he wanted, the same as the one his mother used to have, with the same green and black coloring too, sat posted up outside the entrance of the motorcycle showroom.

Ownership papers handed over along with registration forms, the keys were dropped in his hand. The sales clerk had been a dick when Erik first came into the dealership looking to purchase a ride. He had to get permission from the manager before he could even do a test ride of the bike, even showing a picture of his mother on her bike with him when he was a child to let them know he was serious about buying. 

They gave him the grand total and Erik told them to have the bike polished and gassed up to go. Two hours later he was back and handing over full payment, but was annoyed when the bike wasn't ready. They assumed he wasn't coming back.

"Enjoy," the sales clerk said, and Erik rolled his eyes at him as he slung his backpack on and rolled out of the lot. His new helmet was nice on his head, and he felt free tooling down the I-10 and merging onto the 101. Transportation at last. He was too young to rent a car, and it was annoying having to use Lyft or Uber when he was ready to jet. His grandfather had called to verify his use of the money. Erik's parents had left him a small trust fund that he would receive in total when he was twenty-one. It was life-insurance money mainly, and he was allotted thirty-thousand when he turned eighteen with the rest pending. He was finally spending it on something other than clothes and computers.

His mother had him riding behind her the moment he was able to hang on to her waist, and his fondest memories were riding with her and Grandpop on the rare occasions they went out with his grandfather's bike club. Oaktown Rebels. Green and black were their colors.

The robust rumble under his thighs made him grin, and he sped up to pass a few cars as he made his way back to his apartment. He needed to grab a few things before he headed out to Joshua Tree.

Rolling into the apartment complex, he parked his new ride near Maria's leased car.

Walking into his unit, delicious smells wafted to him from the kitchen. He put his helmet on the coffee table and walked to where the tantalizing aromas came from.

"Look at you," Maria said.

He was surprised to see Valentina in his kitchen with Maria and also Giselle. All three women stared at him and his clothes.

"What happened to Erik Stevens intern? Who brought in Sons of Anarchy?" Maria said.

He touched his black leather biker jacket. The matching pants drew stares too.

"Just protective gear."

"For what?" Giselle asked. Her eyes looked suggestive. They were all a little tipsy. An empty wine bottle sat on the kitchen counter.

Valentina brushed past him to take a gander at the back of the ensemble he wore.

"That is some pricey gear, Stevens," she said.

"I bought a new bike…whatchu cookin'?"

His nose aimed for the stove.

Maria held tongs in her hand as she stood near a wok on the stove.

"Oh…shit….," she said pulling out fried egg rolls and placing them on paper towels on the kitchen counter.

"Lumpia. Chicken and pork…"

"What else?" he said, pulling open a lid on a skillet next to the lumpia still cooking.

"Pancit, chicken adobo, rice…"

Fuck.

He wanted to ride out to Joshua Tree asap, but the food looked banging and he was starving. This was better than the protein bars he was going to grab with his hydration pack.

"Join us," Maria said.

She pulled out plates from the cupboards and Giselle helped set their little kitchen table. Valentina opened another bottle of white wine. They all stared at him. He took off his riding jacket and carried it to his room. He packed up the gear he would take with him then washed his hands.

The women were already seated and grubbing when he returned.

Maria fixed him a full plate and he got down to business.

"So what is this? A hen party?" he said.

Giselle laughed and sipped on her wine.

"How did you guess?" she said.

Giselle had taken her braids out and Erik saw how big her hair was, lush puffy waves that cascaded to her shoulders, without her make-up and intern clothes, she looked like a teenager sitting next to him in her shorts and yoga top.

"We just needed to vent and trash the guys we work with," Valentina said nibbling on her lumpia.

"Well shit, maybe I shouldn't be here," he said.

"Stay, you might learn how to be a better man," Maria said.

"Erik is one of the good ones," Valentina said winking at him. Erik smiled, but then he caught Giselle looking at Valentina in a strange way. He stuffed pancit in his mouth and scooped up more of the noodles and cabbage on his fork. When Valentina's hand reached across and stroked his hand, Giselle really looked perturbed.

"Thank you so much for the pep talk the other day. I finished the beta on time and Janine spoke to me about working with Hollowell," Valentina said.

Erik nodded his head. Valentina's hand stayed on his wrist. She poured him a little bit of wine and he drank it so he could move his hand. He felt heat on his neck coming from Giselle staring and he couldn't figure out why she was giving off jealous vibes. Valentina was just the homie.

Maria must've caught the tension from Giselle.

"How's it going in your department?" Maria asked Giselle.

"Pretty good actually. I get to attend a conference with my project manager Evelyn. We leave in two weeks for Portland," Giselle said.

"So lucky! You get to travel. Wish we could go somewhere," Valentina said.

She picked at her plate and for a moment everyone was quiet as they ate.

"I have ube cake if anyone wants some," Maria said.

She jumped up and went to the fridge and brought back a purple cake. Once they all had their fill of food, Maria cut slices of the cake.

"Wow, it's purple on the inside too," Valentina said staring at it before she took a bite.

"It's a sponge cake, but a purple yam is mixed with it," Maria said.

"It's good! Light" Giselle said.

Erik snuck more wine and ate two pieces of cake.

"Let's go see your new bike!" Valentina said. Her fingers tapped Erik's hand again.

"C'mon," he said.

They all followed him downstairs.

"That is so cool!" Maria said.

Erik hopped on and started it up.

"That looks really expensive," Valentina said.

"Paid 17 G for it," he said.

"Can I get on?" Maria asked.

He helped her climb on and she took out her cell to snap pictures.

"Give us a ride around the parking lot," Valentina said stepping close to the handlebars.

"You need a helmet. I only have one," he said.

"It's just the parking lot. You don't have to go fast. We're in an enclosed place," she said.

"Me first!" Maria said clutching his waist.

He used his legs to roll back.

"Calm down, girl," he said.

Maria was giggling and wiggling behind him.

He zoomed around the lot and Maria squealed like a big kid on a rollercoaster for the first time. When he came back around and she jumped down, her face was flush from too much wine and laughing so hard. He thought she was so cute when she was buzzing.

"Me next," Valentina said.

She was taller and heavier than Maria. When she held his waist, he could feel her full breasts pressing into his back. Her chin rested on his shoulder.

"See ya!" she called to Maria and Giselle.

Unlike Maria, Valentina didn't giggle or look around, she rested her head against the back of his neck. When he brought her back, her hands dropped from his waist and rested on his thighs.

"That was fun," she said.

"Do you plan on getting off?" Giselle asked.

Valentina climbed off and Giselle hopped on. She was skittish with her hands.

"Hold tight," he said.

She relaxed and held him better. She looked around as they rode.

"This thing has some get up," she said.

"Yep. Top of the line."

He gave it a little more speed on the return so she could feel the power under them.

She took her time climbing off and Valentina was already trying to get a second excursion. He turned the bike off.

"This is so you," Valentina said.

"More cake anyone?" Maria suggested.

"I'll have more!" Valentina followed Maria back to the kitchen.

Giselle stayed behind as Erik dismounted.

"What's up with you and Valentina?"

"Nothing," he said.

"That's not what I'm hearing at the office."

"Whatchu hearing then?"

"Lunch together every day. Working late and driving home together. Acting like more than besties in public."

He shrugged.

"I eat lunch with Maria most of the time too. I don't have a car and it sucks catching the bus or a Lyft every day. She's friendly to everyone in public. Who are you hearing gossip from?"

"Maria."

"You already know she's a talker—"

"Not just her. Other people have been talking. A lot of the guys who want to hem Valentina up."

"Why do you care? You told me you wanted to stay professional. Acting like you in your feelings or something."

"I didn't say I cared like that."

"What if I was hittin' that?"

"I don't see it."

"Why not?"

"That's not you."

"Fuck you talkin' 'bout girl?" He leaned against his bike.

"Most Cali niggas I've met are prone to the white girl hierarchy. It's ingrained. Everywhere you look, white women are propped up. It is what it is. But you…you not that brotha. But Valentina, she wants to break you in."

"You jealous or somethin'?"

"Observant."

"You don't think I could get down with a white girl?"

"No."

"So you should be happy then."

"Why?"

"Most sistahs hate brothas with white women—"

"Not true. We don't care. We just get annoyed with Black men who date or marry white or non-Black women exclusively and then proceed to trash us every opportunity they get. There's a difference."

"What's the point to this?"

"Curiosity."

"I don't think so."

"I date the rainbow myself. Keep my options open. Black men will always be my first pick…but…you…you remind me of my grandfather. Y'now, Black people first, but probably have some colorism issues mixed in there—"

"Nah, I date the Black rainbow—"

"—and I wonder why you hold tight to that. Have you ever been with anyone non-Black?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Why is this a conversation?"

"Don't deflect."

Erik stared at her. He couldn't understand why she cared so much about his choices.

"I have a preference for Black women. Other women are fine as fuck too and alla that, but for me…there's something about Black women that I just zoom into. I've been with mixed Black women…I just…it just be that way, Ma. There's a cultural understanding about shit that Black women get. I don't have to waste time or energy explaining shit-"

"Like?"

"Racism. Colorism. White supremacy. American fuckery. The struggle—"

"Of course. The never-ending struggle."

Giselle's voice sounded dismissive. He didn't like that.

"What if you met that one woman that was not Black and she had some cultural understanding and she was into you—"

"Hasn't happened yet—"

"Valentina-"

"Nah—"

"It's a fact. I heard her talking to some women in the break room. She really wants to make something happen. You can't see that?"

"Why are you telling me this?"

"Be careful."

"You blockin?"

"For who?"

"You. You not low, Giselle. You still feelin' me even though you want to be all professional. I saw you looking salty at dinner."

"I don't care if you get with her."

"Yeah, you do."

Giselle turned away from him and Erik grabbed for her hand.

"Hold up, finish," he said.

"Cake?" Maria called out.

Erik saw her on the top step of their apartment with a plate in her hand.

"Be up in a minute," Erik shouted.

His eyes took in Giselle's. She was serious.

"Why should I be careful?"

"Valentina comes off cool, but she's manipulative. I wasn't planning on coming here tonight, but Maria wanted me to, and when I heard Valentina was coming—"

"You wanted to throw a flag on her play," he teased.

Giselle's eyes didn't waver.

"If I wanted you that bad, I could take you."

"Look at you saying that with your whole chest."

Erik held onto her hand.

"All I'm saying is be mindful of how she acts around you and other people. I thought she was cool until I noticed some behavior that made me see that she's a user. She's into social capital and manipulation. You are Stark's golden boy and she wants to be the golden girl—"

"She's good at what she does—"

"Getting next to people who she can climb above."

"I don't see it, but I hear you."

"Do more than hear me. Men can be so stupid when they ignore signs."

"We're all here to climb over each other. Trying to outshine the next person to claim a spot."

"That ain't you either."

"You think you know me that well."

"You're an easy read."

"Maybe I'm manipulating you."

"No. I don't think you'd do anything like that. You're too blunt. Too real."

"I'm not interested in her or anyone else here. Just you. I would let you use me."

She smiled and he thought he had an in with her.

"Lemme take you out."

"No, I told you—"

"One date."

"No."

"You're killing me, G."

Giselle headed up to his apartment.

"You'll live, Erik."

It felt mad awkward returning to the apartment. He overanalyzed every interaction with Valentina. She was just…Valentina…relaxed when she was drinking, astute, aware of shit around her with a basic understanding of her own privilege in the world. Maria liked her and Maria had a good heart.

But Giselle was pretty astute too, and Erik had to concede that he often stayed in his own head a lot over the years and tended to ignore things that didn't concern him. Especially working in the Stark offices. He did his work and bounced, took careful notes in his journal, and kept to himself on the weekends unless Maria cajoled him into going to a movie. He was not interested in Valentina like that. She was gorgeous with that Greco/Roman Mediterranean vibe, sexy without trying, aware of it, but not lording it over other women. He racked his brain trying to think of any encounter where Valentina had ever—

"Hey, you okay?"

Erik snapped out of his reverie. He stood in the kitchen eating the last of the lumpia. Maria watched him with inquisitive eyes. He could hear Giselle and Valentina talking loud as they watched TV.

"Coolio," he said.

"You and Giselle looked like you were in a serious convo."

"Nothing too serious. She still won't go out with me."

"Maybe you should find someone else."

"Like who?"

Erik waited to see what she would say. Maria's eyes glanced down at his plate.

"I dunno, maybe…"

"Valentina?"

"Giselle snitched on me, huh? I shouldn't have said anything."

"Be honest. She checkin'?"

"Yes. This won't make it weird for you, will it?"

"Already done."

"Sorry. I know you want Giselle, but…"

"But?"

"You have a sure thing out in our living room."

"Not happening."

"Why?"

Erik popped the last piece of lumpia in his mouth and washed his hands in the sink.

"I'll see you later. Thanks for dinner. I'll be back tomorrow."

"Where are you going?"

"Personal business."

He went into his room and slipped on his jacket. His hydration pack was filled and he had snack bars for the ride back.

"I'm out," he said.

Both Giselle and Valentina stared at him.

"We were thinking of going out to The Grove," Valentina said.

"Next time," he said.

He left quickly and felt like he could breathe once he was back on the I-10 heading East. Traffic was cumbersome, but once he got past Ontario, the flow of cars was less stop and go. He made a quick bathroom break at a truck rest stop, and by the time he made it to Palm Springs, he saw the rows of wind turbines peppering the sides of the freeway. He knew he was close to his destination. The hundreds of turbines looked like white giants standing guard for some long-forgotten ancient battle.

The hill he rode up to get into Joshua Tree itself was peaceful in the darkness, and he found a cheap motel to stay in. It was better to search early in the morning rather than late at night in case he ran into any cops. Weren't too many Black people out in the desert, and meth-heads along with opioid users ran amuck, so Erik didn't want to look like a dealer doing a night drop or pick-up.

The motel was clean and he set his cell alarm for early morning.

###

The heat would not arrive hardcore until later, and Erik moved quickly with the high-end GPS compass he bought for the job. This part of the desert had vortices that were fucking with the dials of the indicators.

Yucca plants and small cactus surrounded him as well as the yucca species known as the Joshua Tree for its unusual shape that Mormons long ago said looked like praying hands lifted to the sky. They seemed to thrive in arid places like this. Erik walked around with the small shovel he picked up from the Home Depot.

Sipping water from his hydration pack, he took off his jacket and laid it across his bike. There was no one near him for miles. He didn't have to worry about anyone stealing his shit. He set off in the direction the coordinates gave him. He wished there was a picture map sketch or mentions of signposts to look for, rock formations or a particular line up of cactus, anything to help pinpoint whatever he was looking for.

He found what he thought was the spot and dug for thirty minutes and found nothing. He moved to two other spots near his first dig site and found nothing still. Maybe it had been dug up a long time ago. Instead of getting frustrated, he let thoughts of his father guide him. If Baba wrote this down, it was important. He would stay as long as he could in his search.

When the sun rose high, he took off his shirt and tied it around his head, keeping his shades on as he continued digging. By the time it was near noon, his water was all gone, and he was hungry for more than the protein bars he had. Whatever his father placed here was long gone. He mentally prepared to plan a trip to the central corridor and Klamath where the other buried sites were.

A rabbit caught his eye and Erik walked towards it just to have a break from bending over and allowing him to stretch his back out.

"Shit!" his hissed grabbing onto his lips.

An intense itching overtook his bottom lip and Erik shoved his middle and index finger onto his gums there.

His tattoo.

Something was making his tattoo react in an adverse way.

He stepped back to where he was before he saw the desert rabbit and the itching faded away. He traced his footsteps around the area where the tattoo reacted. The space around it was less than a foot around.

Erik stepped forward again. The itching started again but was less pronounced. He could endure the sensation.

He started digging.

Three feet in he found a small gray silky bag the size of an apple. He picked it up and climbed out of the hole.

His eyes darted about and he walked back to his bike.

Opening the bag carefully, he found another cloth brown bag within. His tattoo flared up with prickly nerves. His hand slipped into the brown bag and he pulled out…

….a small chunk of neon blue metal that glowed with an intensity that made his hand light up. His tattoo was made from this, he was sure of it, his body reacting to the similar elements found within the metal.

Erik covered the metal back up quickly and stuffed it inside the pocket of his jacket and zipped it up. He debated covering the holes he had made back up, but he decided against it. He needed to get out of there as quickly as possible.

Pulling his shirt from his head, he put himself back together. Under the bright summer blue sky and surrounded by desert sands that led to mountains, Erik felt a freedom he hadn't felt in a long time. His quest felt tangible now. He had something his father died for in his possession. Erik shook his head, feeling a lone tear fall from his face. This felt like a true beginning. He had a talisman in his possession that would guide him to his future victory.

He rode to the nearest gas station. After filling up his tank, he bought fresh water for his pack and made his way out of town.

This metal, this hidden treasure that his father buried far away from Oakland…Erik recognized it.

Even knew the name of it.

His father had taught him the word.

Vibranium.

###

Tag List:

@fd-writes​ @soufcakmistress  @cherrystainedlipsbaby @tclaybon  @thadelightfulone

@allhailqueennel @bartierbakarimobisson @cpwtwot @shookmcgookqueen @yoyolovesbucky

@raysunshine78 @the-illllest @terrablaze514  @l-auteuse @amirra88 @jimizwidow @janelledarling

@chaneajoyyy @sweetestdream92 @purple-apricots @blackpinup22 @hennessystevens-udaku

@scrumptiouslytenaciouscrusade @bugngiz @stariamrry  @honeytoffee @meilintheempressofdreams

@tyees

[like-twilight]

I’m jus’ gon do this cause why not I stole it from Here.

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?

According to my last.fm in the last seven days: 1: ATEEZ: Wave 2: ATEEZ: Illusion 3: ATEEZ: Win 4: TxT: Run Away 5: ATEEZ: Precious 6: ATEEZ: Say My Name

Guys. I like Ateez.

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

My sister.

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

Well I ain’t standin’ up so here’s line 17 from page 23 of Vale which is on my computer.

““Well then, Your Highness,” I say and crouch down, trying to get a look of her face”

4: What do you think about most?

Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad things.

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?

From a real person that’s not an automated message from a bank or a website it’s from my co-worker from October 26th that says “Ok I’ll do it, print it then I’ll replace it”

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

Well. PJ’s are clothes so.

7: What's your strangest talent?

I don’t think I have any.

8: Girls... (finish the sentence); Boys... (finish the sentence)

Girls not allowed. Boys also not allowed. Leave me alone. (My nb friends can come tho.)

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?

If I did then the creator didn’t tell me :”D

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?

I... can’t recall.

11: Do you have any strange phobias?

Frogs.

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

Maybe as a baby?

13: What's your religion?

I don’t belieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve.

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

I’m not outside. But I’d probably be going to work or the store or the post office.

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

Behind.

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

Ateez!

17: What was the last lie you told?

“I’m okay!” #deep

18: Do you believe in karma?

god no!

19: What does your URL mean?

It’s a quote from Ateez’s Twilight.

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

I’m very depressed. Strength is probably that I’m still alive? Idk

21: Who is your celebrity crush?

Idk. Find a lot of famous people attractive I-? I Don’t have just like The Celebrity Crush. Jeong Yunho’s cute tho.

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

No.

23: How do you vent your anger?

I throw a temper tantrum.

24: Do you have a collection of anything?

Just a mason jar of my tears. Also every Ateez album released so far.

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

Neither! Fucking email me, bro.

26: Are you happy with the person you've become?

God no :D

27: What's a sound you hate; sound you love?

Ambulance sirens hate. Fuckin... panflute I love.

28: What's your biggest "what if"?

What if I was a... giraffe.? Or a tardigrade. 

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

I believe in things we can’t perceive scientifically or whatever. Not ghosts per se, like souls of dead people or whatever. Also yes to aliens.

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

Nothin I’m jus sittin on my bed. If I move my arms up and down a bit then my blanket and a bottle of water.

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?

Nothin. Is just my room.

32: What's the worst place you have ever been to?

Uuuh a cemetery?

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

In America? Idk which is less racist in general?

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

What’s an “opposite” gender? I know you mean male but I refuse to give into the cISSEXIST SCUm. 

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?

I have no idea what that means.

36: Define Art.

the expression or application of human creative skill and imagination, typically in a visual form such as painting or sculpture, producing works to be appreciated primarily for their beauty or emotional power.

37: Do you believe in luck?

Yes. But I’ve never been the lucky one unfortunately.

38: What's the weather like right now?

Uuuh I have to google it. Clear. 8°

39: What time is it?

21:30

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

No. But I probably would.

41: What was the last book you read?

Pfssssshhhh, one that wasn’t written by me? Fucks me, dude. Fault In Our Stars? The Death Cure? I can’t remember, it’s been years.

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

Yeah!

43: Do you have any nicknames?

Tia.

44: What was the last film you saw?

Uuuuuuuuhhh... UUUUHHHHHHHHH How to Train Your Dragon 3, it was nice.

45: What's the worst injury you've ever had?

Had a bleeding spine! Kinda miss it tbh.

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

I probably haven’t tried, I’ve just tried to get them to land on me.

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

Uuuh I’m into Ateez these days.

48: What's your sexual orientation?

I’m byesexual.

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

Yes.

50: Do you believe in magic?

Again, I do believe things could exist we can’t scientifically explain but idk. Not in the Harry Potter magic way.

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

No, cause I believe everything is my fault.

52: What is your astrological sign?

Aries.

53: Do you save money or spend it?

I save money TO spend. I think I found a healthy balance.

54: What's the last thing you purchased?

A fukin... bike. That’s like in your room. Not by accident but because it’s meant to be there.

55: Love or lust?

Like.. in what context? Love? Idk.

56: In a relationship?

Love.

57: How many relationships have you had?

None relationships.

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

I can’t.

59: Where were you yesterday?

Like on average? Or 24 hours ago exactly. Cause I was at work for eight hours and then I was just on my bed.

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

Yeah, my phone case.

61: Are you wearing socks right now?

Ye.

62: What's your favourite animal?

Cat? Idk.

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

:DDDD If I had any then people would like me.

64: Where is your best friend?

???? 

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.

I... I dunno? The ones I follow?

66: What is your heritage?

I don’t know what that means. Like what I’m gonna be remembered by? I whined a lot!

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?

Cried.

68: What do you think is Satan's last name?

Choi.

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

Why would I lie about masturbation. Yeah I did.

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

Fuck no.

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?

Save the dog, fuck off.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?

a) I am telling everyone. b) Be paralysed by fear and waste all of it. c) Yes, very much.

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.

I feel like that’s stupid. 

74: What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

Illusion by Ateez these days. 

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

4153

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

I wouldn’t know, buddy.

77: How can I win your heart?

Just be nice to me and I’ll probably be emotionally attached to you for life, sorry.

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?

I don’t think insanity is the cause for any creativity. If an insane person is creative then they would be creative with a sound mind too.

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

Got into kpop, that was nice.

80: What size shoes do you wear?

42

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

“Balled 2 hard lol”

82: What is your favourite word?

There are too many words.

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.

Kokoro.

84: What is a saying you say a lot?

I don’t think there is one.

85: What's the last song you listened to?

Treasure by Ateez.

86: Basic question; what's your favourite colour/colours?

Pink and yellow.

87: What is your current desktop picture?

A picture of.. Ateez... sorry.

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

Donald Trump.

89: What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?

Uh, I think I’m p truthful, yeah. Ask me anything.

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Scream. Maybe scramble on the floor and push past them if I can.

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

Immortality!

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

Oh geez. I was on a carousel in Italy once, that was awesome.

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

The one that gave me depression idk which one it was but can it go away?

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

Ehh, I don’t want that. Like... I don’t know those people, they could be Awful in bed or just in general too. Like I need an emotional bond first and they don’t even know me and I only know the persona they show to the public. Plus it could potentially ruin the music for me later on, it’d be weird, no thank you.

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

UUUUUHHHHH I DUNNO Lyon cause Grenoble doesn’t have an airport. Well, actually my sister isn’t in Grenoble right now. Hm well if I grab my card before I go then I can just find a hotel there until she comes home.

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?

I don’t think so? 

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?

I had to throw up in a car and then asked the driver to stop the car so I can throw up outside the car.

98: Ever been on a plane?

Yes. Seven times. SEVEN TIMES? Yeah, holy shit.

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

Someone help me, I am so so so incredibly in need of help, please. Please. Thank you.

[omgnsfwisnsfw-blog]

8: So Be It

“Church.” They. We. John had for so long only been responsible for his actions. Wake up, brush his teeth, eat breakfast, read, eat lunch, read, ignore the voice through the vent, read, dinner, read, lights out, staring out into the darkness until he finally drifted away, wake up, brush his … “Church.” And everyday she pulled him out of that routine. That first week John resented Mike McGuire for it. He wanted to curse her for her ignorance. This morning he had just finished a bowl of oats. He knew Mike was still doing some wrap up getting her number two up to speed to run her business. He knew that he’d be able to dig into another … That’s another thing that perplexed him. He woke up one morning last week to see a box of assorted books in front of the door of the guest room. It was never brought up. But every dinner was over a different movie on the television. Every training session was in tandem and was always accompanied by strategy. What was the future of their tag team? What does he think of his opponents? What does he need to do to succeed? But that Saturday morning, John had just cracked open a book about the life and death of Nikola Teslawhen she said it was time to go. They could make a trip of it towards Baton Rouge and then catch a flight back back North to Boston after the Friday event. “Church!” His blank stare out of the passenger’s side window was startled by a sharp yet ultimately harmless jab. He turned away from the endless farm fields and turned to the driver. “Yeah?” “You with me, buddy? You looked a million miles away just then.” The reverberations of the powerful engine of her muscle car, a gaudy yellow late model Mustang, certainly aided in that distance. The red leather seats creaked softly as John adjusted his seat and sat straight back up. “I’m okay.” “Good,” she smiled, looking almost at peace behind the wheel, the sun on her face, “You got any ideas? Tons of stuff to do on the way there. Pick something. Anything you want.” “I don’t know,” John looked back out the window and saw the handwritten sign about the man with no vocal chords, “I always lived out west. Even when I traveled,” John paused, perhaps considering his words,“when I traveled it was the same loop. The hotel, the gym, and the arena.” “I did that stuff too. Livened it up a bit though, used to go bar hopping a lot. Man, some of the crawls I did were fuckin’ eeeepic,” she snickered to herself a bit, “You wanna do something like that? I know all the best places.” “I don’t drink. Never have,” John had started to understand that some of his social interactions were unintentionally blunt, “but …but don’t let that stop you.” “Okay, fair enough. Well, there’s a travel guide in the glove compartment there. Should have some stuff of interest en route. Leaf through it an’ see if there’s anything that catches your eye.” “Surprise me,” John had almost tried to stop himself from saying that. He hated surprises. He liked his routine. He hated his routine, too. It was too familiar and was born of a sense of minimization. Mike responded with that wide grin and accelerated past a semi truck. Some more time past and John could feel himself getting lulled into the sights as the farm plains transitioned into the rocky corridors of West Virginia, “Fine. This time. But sometime between now’n Baton Rouge you’re pickin’ something. We’re doing this together, y’know,” she drove a bit longer, eyes flicking to the exit signs and the flow of traffic, before speaking up again, her cadence that of a person watching their words when unused to doing so, “Hey. Sorry to bring this up again, but it’s kinda been buggin’ me. That thing a while back. With Emma. What was it about? You like her or somethin’?” He’d almost forgotten. The woman certainly had, “I, uh, would consider it a Freudian slip,” he felt that Mike sometimes walked on eggshells around him about these subjects and she most likely did not want a repeat of what could be the catalyst of this whole ordeal. He had heard and read what people thought of him. Amongst all of the requests to end his own life, people had legitimate questions and concerns. He was artful in his ability to dodge the questions about his past and his even more surreal present. John cleared his throat, “Look, I’m not sure. She, I mean, you know …” He danced around it for so long and in the eyes of the public, they painted him as dull or even some masterful sociopath disassociated with the act and its victim. “Mike, I, I’m just not sure. The dispositions were nothing alike but the shine of her eyes, her hair — they were a reminder. So to answer your question: I don’t like her. I mean, I don’t dislike her. She’s just a competitor,” he continued to struggle as Mike listened with her eyes intently on the road, “I don’t know why I’m back. I’d been forgotten and now, I’m here talking with you and now doing what I always wanted to do. I don’t talk about it because I don’t know what to say. I can barely remember what happened. I’d been grilled and grilled over details that I just didn’t know. I had finished a show and it was called it Beware the Ides of March. It was in reference to whatever the main event was. I’d opened the show and was the first person out because Reno was my hometown. The promoters like that sort of thing, you know? It was twenty minutes away from the apartment. I was alone which was the usual at this stage. I was woken up from my bed the next morning with a loud knock,” John sighed, “and well, there’s been plenty of discussion about it. It’s been in print, on the TV, so it doesn’t bear repeating. I was where I was at and now I’m not. I don’t think… I, I, I belonged there.”

 “Okay. S’ all I wanted to know,” she let it go at that. She didn’t want to dwell on that particular subject, she supposed, any more than he did. Her fingers drummed on the crimson leather cover of the steering wheel. Letting a pause linger for a bit, she smiles over at him, artfully letting the subject pass for a new one, “Mind if I turn the radio on?” “Okay.”

 “Master conversationalist as always, my man.” 

Chuckling softly, she turned the dial on the radio- what would be considered an old-school affair, no Sirius or even a cassette deck. She kept it true to the rest of the vehicle on her rebuild, even though she was well aware she could’ve put in something more modern.

 “Lessee… gospel… country, ugh… fuckin’ disco… goin’ to hell, yeah yeah… HERE we go,”

 she landed on a rock/metal station, by lucky happenstance at the tail end of a commercial break. The band was a classic and it pleased her. TNT, it’s dyno-mite, “FUCK. YEAH. … This cool with you? You an AC/DC person?” John looked into the rear view mirror and they were all alone in this stretch of road as it cut and curved throughout the high walled rock landscape, “It’s not really something to have an affinity for but if you’re going to put me on the spot, alternative current based equipment just have better life expectancies.” She paused for a moment, blinked, and laughed, “The band, Church. The one on the radio. Right now.” John looked at her blankly then at the radio and then back at her, “I know. I was just playing around. This is fine.” “A’ight, cool. Lemme know if you get sick of it, I’ll find somethin’ else,” she drove on, the road spreading out like a ribbon of asphalt before them. John didn’t. He just listened. Eventually this one faded out into static and Mike had to keep turning the dial past all of the sludge. He almost objected a few times but he also remembered the old adage that the driver is the master of the radio. An hour or so passed and finally Mike finally just turned off the radio for the mean time. The mountainous terrain eventually gave out to a thick wooded view. “Hey. Just so y’know, I believe in you. I know how fuckin’ corny that sounds, but I do. I like t’ think I have an eye for these things and I really think I’m lookin’ at the next TV champ,” she paused, maybe placing her words, maybe for effect, “Something you said really stuck with me. I think you figured out a question I’ve been askin’ myself for years without me even askin’ you, in a conversation that wasn’t even about me. Weird’s that sounds.” Earlier that week, the company had arranged for another sit down interview. By virtue of defeating the former champion, Bishop Church had earned the #1 contendership for the Television Championship. What stood before him was his greatest challenge and the company wanted some face time from both their champion and challenger. So once again, John sat in the hot seat. Despite Mike being there, that tense feeling did not dissipate. John fiddled with the microphone clipped to the collar of his t-shirt while Ace Heart flipped through a stapled packet of papers held steady with a clipboard. “Careful with that. The audio technicians hear every time you touch the clip.” John stopped and sat up straight in his director’s style chair, “Okay.” “So here we are again. Before we start, you gotta tell me, why did you delete your Facebook account?” “I don’t trust Zuckerberg. You ever get the feeling that he’s not giving straight answers.” Ace scoffed at that, “Look, Bishop, we set that up for you as a way for you to speak to your fans. You had 150,000 followers and then all of a sudden, you 86’d it.” “I just … didn’t want it. I’m here for this, isn’t that what you wanted?” Ace raised his hands perhaps feigning indignation, “Yeah, that’s right. You’re here. For this. Whatever this will be.” Ace signaled to the camera man and crew to start filming. “Dr. Pepper presents an Extreme Wrestling Corporation live interview on Facebook Watch. I’m Ace Heart and this is Bishop Church.” John nodded. Ace sighed, “Splendid. So since we last talked it seems like your circumstances have made a 180 degree turn. You’ve managed to dispatch Emma Louise, Chris Chambers, and most recently former Television Champion Kendrick Kross one after another. Most notably this is the same Kendrick Kross who unthroned Ruthless Aggression at Stranglemania. Now three days after you face Malice at Friday Night Rampage, you get your first shot at gold against Ruthless Aggression at Monday Night Brawl. Most recently, she impressively defeated a man twice her size in Grizzly Duggan and retained the TV title. Now she stands before you - your biggest match to date, what say you?” “She-“ “Swear to God, if you say she seems nice, this is over.” John’s eyes narrowed at the interruption but just seconds later, his expression relaxed. He turned to face the camera. “Ahhh, women. Women, women, women, women, women.” Ace’s reaction is one of abject horror but he was helpless to stop as John continued. “What are women like? What do women want? How should I treat a woman? Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to find a woman at all. I’ve been staking out for hours looking for one and the closest I got was this fellow.” The camera shot cut to Mike, unknown at this to all viewers, chowing down on a ham and cheddar sandwich at the catering table. Back to John, the camera shot tightens in on him, “Where are all the women?” He then turned back to the interviewer, still frozen, “Is it all perhaps an elaborate fraud?” Finally, “CUT!” Ace exploded right after the cameras turned off, “What the FUCK was that? What are you even talking about? Your opponent is a woman. Half of the roster are women. Why can’t you just answer my questions?” He then shouted to the assistant off screen, “Where’s his goddamn handler? Saint assured me that I wouldn’t have to put up with this shit anymore.” As if on cue, Mike stepped into the interview set and stood in face to face with Ace while seemingly shielding Church from him, “Partner, okay? Not handler. Partner. Got it?” “Okay Bishop’s partner, can you explain why every interview with this guy turns out to be a waking disaster? In my nearly twenty years of thousands, literally thousands of interactions, I’ve interviewed them all. Every hall of fame inductee, every champion, every one that mattered in this industry has had the decency to answer my questions and yet talking to this guy is like squeezing blood from a stone.” “I’m still here,” John mumbled. “Ignore him, Church. Your right-hand man’s got your back. Just forget about that guy for a sec. It’s not his fault he ain’t got no class or sense of professionalism.” “Why I never!” “Go trim the ‘stache or something. And you there, sweetcheeks, gimme that camera,” there was a bit of a jitter on the picture as the camera was either handed over or taken forcefully, and adjusted by its new operator. Ace Heart shrugged his shoulders and there was an exodus of company crew from the set, “Just like before.” John nodded. The shot came back to life. John stood behind the right director’s chair and looked deep in thought. The camera zoomed out as the new cameraperson struggled with the controls. After a moment, Mike managed to follow his movements. “I’m starting to understand it,” John gestured, “you know, the necessity of all of this. This sport is fueled on the idea of conflict and the reasons for those conflicts vary. Sometimes it is simple. Two people not liking each other. Sometimes there is something at stake. Bragging rights, money, or in the present case: championship gold. And this is a business after all so it’s not just the contest itself. It’s also the circumstances that led up to and surround the bout. That’s why there is all of this pomp and circumstance. Does it really matter what I say here? Will these words truly have an affect on what happens in that squared circle? Actually, yes. And that is what is expected of me.” John took a seat, although he tilted the chair facing forward. “Expectations, right? There are certain expectations on how I should conduct myself. Smile for the camera. Talk to the people. Tell them why I’m the best. Or don’t. Be absolutely abhorrent. Be a disgusting caricature of humanity. Also them why I’m the best. That’s not me. Reevaluate your expectations. I talked a little bit about what people have seen in me thus far and I expect that afterwards, they perhaps had to reconsider. That’s how we got here. I was asked a question on how this stage was set. If you’re watching this, you probably saw just how that happened.” He paused. John so much wanted to keep this internalized. He felt nervous talking about himself but he didn’t feel the need to deflect. He wasn’t so naive to know that she wasn’t the only one listening but just the hypothetical idea of it allowed him to continue. “The former champion stated that he needed this. Essentially he believed that a victory over me would be a turning point. He didn’t see me as viable. He didn’t think of me as a peer. He concluded that I was just here to collect a paycheck. He misjudged me. He underestimated my passion for the sport of professional wrestling. And so he learned in this cruel world that needs aren’t always fulfilled. His story has to carry on with the knowledge that all of the accolades and comeback aspirations evaporated in the space of three seconds. Thus is the cycle of life. That cycle brings us to the idea that I am a contender now.” He shifted in his seat and sat forward. “This is my very first championship opportunity. Never before have I had to chance to compete with stakes so high. Some could say that I need this but that would be oversimplifying it. Think about it. Think about who I am. Not what you see and read but who I am right now. Do I need to be champion like I need air to breathe? Do I need it for financial security? I guess it would be nice but as the camera shakes to and fro, I’m not just here for material objects. What about for love?” John chuckled softly. “As ridiculous as that sounds, the history books are filled with pages of men and women who take advantage their standing for their romantic desires. How about just to make myself feel better? That journey isn’t so trivial that gold plates screwed into a leather strap will clear the path. And so what it comes down to that what a man can be, he must be. So that addresses the match itself. If I can become champion, I must become champion. But that isn’t the end of it, is it, Ruthann Hunter?" For this whole time, he waxed hypothetical to the masses but his meandering questioning tone changed to a more direct one as he began to address his opposition. “If it was, you would have ridden off into the sunset long ago.” The genesis of Mike prodding John into the proverbial sunlight will most likely never meet the air. She had went to check in on him early his stay and she discovered notepads filled with amended notes of his opponents. Who they are. What they do. How John could neutralize their abilities and come out on top. And most noticeably notes on what they said about him. Real statements and all he could manage was nonsense. It wasn’t until his exchange with Ace here that she noticed that it was very intentional. “This is where I would go into that tired song and dance about who you are. You are a living legend and I’ll be the exception. I could say that I would stand fast against the ruthless aggression and persevere. Let me stand up here and I could raise my voice and snort and chortle about my destiny.” John shook his head. “But none of us know what the future holds for us. I can’t make that promise. I want what you have. That’s human nature. We always want what we don’t have. This sport is like a microcosm of life. Look no further than the former champion. Look at the desperation in his words even when he was proud and boastful against you. Due to this being a competition, we usually absolve ourselves of what affect we have on the vanquished. Think about that, won’t you? Someone somewhere in an office gets a promotion over someone else. Maybe that person that failed needed the money more. Maybe they have a crippling disease. In our world - who cares? So the former champion was right on one thing, we all see each other as stepping stones. We all see each other as that obstacle to self-actualization.” He stands up and moves closer to the camera. “And so we go about and we both say this to each other solemnly. I don’t care about your legacy. I don’t care about your family. I don’t care what you have done in the past. I don’t care about what losing could do to your ego. All of that does not matter in the confines of the ring. In that moment, we are two demigods engaged in a struggle that could ravage the earth. The ground could fall to pieces all around us as we were locked together and all that would matter is our musculature straining as we resisted each other’s powers. Our bodies would be intimate in ways no mere mortal could comprehend.” And for this, he did raise his voice. “That is what matters.” And back to a low conversational tone. “This isn’t about redemption. I’m here to take what is mine. And if that has to be on the backs of the broken and beaten…” Closer. “So be it.” Mike’s epiphany was punctuated as the car hit a pothole. They rattled about, “What do you mean?” “Ooof! Shit. Sorry. What I mean is… I kept hittin’ fucking walls. I got a bit of momentum here an’ there but I never got no place because I kept hittin’ walls and I could never think of what the hell was wrong with me. And I never HAVE been able to figure it out until you said it. I didn’t have enough… I dunno. Killer instinct seems really fuckin’ cliche but that thing you were talking about. Having t’ not worry about other people, what they were like or what their dreams an’ motivations might be, long’s you’re in between those bells,”

 her eyes, no, her entire expression was alight, as if she’d just seen the writing of God or heard the prophecies of Mohammed or gotten the truth of the universe from benevolent space aliens
, “I kept holding back, I think. Not… consciously, but on some level I cared too damn much about the other guy when I shouldn’t have.” “Mike, the battlefield is the only place where those virtues that the good covet become a weakness. I’m glad you understand. It’s ignoring that very distinction that creates the overabundance of negativity that permeates the landscape of the company,” John reached over and put his left hand over the middle space and on gently on her right forearm, “We can be that change. I mean, a real change. Let’s not kid ourselves - what we do in the ring will be for selfish reasons but outside we can discover who we are - who we are meant to be.” Mike gave a small gasp inward while trying not to look like she was gasping inward. This was huge. She was a physical person, her affection for a person was accompanied by a shower of hair ruffles, noogies, playful jabs, and other forms of fond roughhousing. She’d held back with this somewhat as it had become apparent to her that John wasn’t exactly the touchy feely sort. So for him for once to initiate physical contact with her… it was so overwhelming almost that she— “Look out!” “Oh FUCK!” Mike suddenly swerved away from a brown blur in their line of site. They could hear a loud thud as something smashed against the right headlight of the car and then into the side mirror on the passenger side. As Mike, rather expertly regained control, John turned his head and could see the tail end of the culprit dart into the woods. Mike put the car to stop in the breakdown lane free and clear. She cut off the engine, “You alright?” “Yeah.” “Good. Okay. We’re okay. Shit,” she closed her eyes, taking a few deep breaths and willing her heart not to burst through her ribcage and slow the hell down already, “I’m gonna go check out the damage. Fuck. Hopefully nothin’ I can’t fix,” 

carefully scanning the traffic, Mike exited the Mustang and took a look at what’s been done to her labor of three years. Thankfully, nothing much. The passenger side mirror was torn loose, there were some significant but not horrific dents, but probably the worst were the liberal traces of blood and fur all over the affected area. It was going to be a bitch to clean up. Still, it could have been much, much worse. Meanwhile, John faced the trees, “You hear that?”

 “No… hear what?” Admittedly, she was a little preoccupied with the state of her vehicle. John could hear a pained yowl. He started towards the source of the noise. “H-hey, hold up!” Reaching in through the passenger door and pulling her 8-ball keychain out of the ignition, Mike followed her counterpart away from the car and off to wherever he was heading to. John hurried through the first rows of large trees until he reached a small clearing. He could see it. A young female deer laid out in the leaves, twigs, and debris of the forest. It’s eyes were wide in the realization of its situation. Blood seeped out large gash on its neck and it also trickled out of the corner of its mouth. It gasped and fought for every breath. John’s shadows loomed over its dying body. Mike finally caught up to him. “Oh. Oh, geez. Poor thing. Shit. What do you do in this situation, I know this… okay. You call the cops for the accident, the park service or some shit to take care of the deer… goddamnit. I’m sorry, Church. This was supposed to be fucking fun,”

 sighing, she fished in her pocket for her phone. “I hope it goes without saying that any interaction with the police may not be beneficial to me,” John knelt down next to the animal. “Oh. Fuck, sorry,” she wasn’t in the mood to argue the point, and shakily dropped the phone back into her pocket, “Hey… what’re you doing? I don’t think there’s much you can do for her at this point.” “Give me your knife.” She closed her hand around the four-inch object in her pocket- a utility Swiss Army knife, mostly used for the screwdrivers and bottle opener, “What do y’want my knife fo… no. Church, nuh-uh. We can’t.” A little more assertive, “Give me your knife,” without facing her, he put his hand out with the palm up and he grasped for the knife to be placed there. “Fuck. Shit,” biting her lip and with obvious hesitation, she took the knife out of her pocket and placed it in his hand. Hers trembled in a manner very unlike her. John looked down at the multi-tool and used his thumbnail to flick open the blade. He stared down into his reflection in the sharp sliver of steel. The deer flailed its once strong legs in a helpless fashion unable to control its motor functions. The smell of urine and feces wafted throughout the air and its blood began to pool and carpet the foliage under its neck. “I’m sorry it had to be this way,” the blade pressed against its throat. “So be it.”

[akocomyk]

The Greatness that is 2018

Okay.  So my post from last year was restricted by Tumblr because of its new rules regarding adult content and such.  It wasn’t deleted, it was simply removed from the public view.  Though I’m quite sure I didn’t put any restricted content there other than a couple of words of profanity—and I actually wanted to appeal to Tumblr—I let it go, and I’m more determined to put a highly positive composition for this year.

And I know it wouldn’t be very difficult for me to do so.

The year 2018 was a very positive year for me.  Like whatever I was experiencing in the previous years, it was totally the opposite for this year.  Generally speaking, I was very happy and content for the year’s entirety.  You can simply tell by the decrease of drama posts I made here on my blog—or honestly, the total decrease of posts I made for this year.  I’ve even started concluding that I no longer need Tumblr as my place to vent out my personal delusions, but I feel so much regret if I would simply leave my account here to the dirt, covered in interweb dust.

Going back to the main purpose of this post… I had a lot of memorable moments in the past year, and they all meant a lot to me that—similar to my 2017 dilemma—no memory stood out (and I didn’t mean that in a bad way).  Last year, nothing stood out because every single memory felt very lame.  This year, ALMOST EVERY SINGLE MEMORY HAD AN IMPACT IN ME.  Every memorable moment stood out, that I think any memory can take the top spot without me having to contradict myself.

Twelve moments in my 2018 were included in my shortlist.  It’s less than my previous years, but that’s okay.  I have enough good moments to include in the ten.  Here’s my 2018 and all its greatness.

10.  The A-List Awards - November 20

While having our team win a prestigious award is memorable enough, that isn’t the reason why this was included in this list.

I was one of those lucky people who got to attend the awarding ceremony, and, to be honest, I didn’t really expect or plan to attend.  Those who would attend were chosen by raffle draw.  I put my name less than thirty minutes before the draw.  I know I’m not lucky in these raffles, that’s why I didn’t bother putting my name in there immediately after it was opened.  I was only encouraged by my other teammates who put their names solely for “representation” purposes—you know, just so that their teams have representatives.  And it didn’t matter if they got picked or not—if they did, then it’s okay; if not, it’s fine, not much of a great loss.

Eventually, my name was drawn. Then I had to buy my own barong.  And I attended the awards night.

Half of those who were meant to be there wasn’t able to arrive on time due to the heavy traffic—which was very unfortunate, by the way, because they arrived at the exact moment we went up the stage.

There are times in life where you get to do things you never really planned to, and everything still goes smoothly even when you just let it be.

9.  Papa Comes Home - February 24 to March 15

Papa doesn’t come home very often recently.  He only does whenever it’s needed, like when my Mom died, or her sister died, or when there’s a wedding.

For this year, my cousin Nikki had her wedding and my father was one of the sponsors, so he came home from China.  For the first time since we moved to our present residence back in 2013, he stayed in our house during the span of his vacation.

Growing up, my father and I didn’t have a sound relationship.  It’s not that we hate each other.  It’s just that I wasn’t as close to him as I was with my mother, and we we weren’t as you expected an ideal father-son relationship to be.  To me, he was more like a hard-assed king who wants his son, the prince, to toughen up and be like him—a stereotypical man who’s a model of machismo.

I’m nothing like that.

In these two weeks that my father was here, I had felt like I regained a parent.  The last time I felt like this was when my mother was still alive—and not sick.  When I came home from work at night, dinner was at the table. Before I left every morning, someone was asking if I’m not going to eat breakfast—which by the way, I don’t—and telling me, “Ingat,” right before I ran out to the door.

8.  Watching American Vandal - August 11-12 and September 28-30

Every year, there’s always this one memory about me watching a movie, a series, or reading a book that left me on a hangover for days.  They may not have always penetrated the Top 10, but there’s always a memory that’s shortlisted.

American Vandal takes that spot for 2018, and it enters the Top 10, thanks to the fewer shortlisted memories.

If you’ve been closely following my Tumblr posts this year, you’d know why American Vandal was very memorable for me.  You already know I haven’t posted much this year, but I couldn’t help myself from posting a review about the series—for both Seasons 1 and 2.  Those two posts are also probably one of my few blog posts in the past year that actually made sense.

Anyway, the series spoke to me more than any other show that I watched this year did.  Black Mirror was pretty close, but American Vandal is in league of its own when it comes to personal preference.  The way it streamlined themes that are so relevant nowadays affected me so much—not because it was new to me—but because we share the exact same sentiments.

If you’re reading this blog post, go subscribe to Netflix right now and watch it.

7.  Queen Comes Home - April 5 and 7

If you don’t know who Queen is, she is one of my closest friends. We’ve known each other since High School—we both joined the choir and the short theater we had for the school’s founding anniversary.  Then she briefly went to the same college I did and became a member of the student council.  That’s the time when we grew closer, before she moved to Canada.

She came home for a few weeks, and we met twice.

What I like most about the time that we spent together is that we get to talk for hours without getting uncomfortable or awkward with each other.  During that time, I didn’t care much about what we did or what we talked about.  What mattered the most was that we got to spend some time together.

It’s nice to have a friend who—no matter how far you are from each other right now, in terms of location and communication—will treat you the same way they’ve treated you ever since.  And I’m grateful to have Queen as that kind of friend.

6.  Got Ear Piercings - February 5 and June 3

August 2016 was the first time that I ever thought of having my ears pierced (this was according to my post here in my blog, but I probably had thought of it earlier).  A couple of years before that, I’m one of those people who think lowly—appearance-wise—of guys who have piercings.

This is just a theory, but I think what drove me in doing so is my grief towards my mother’s passing.

Now, I don’t only have one, but two lobe piercings, both on the right ear.  The first one was probably more memorable than the second one.  I even wrote a post about it (click here).  The second one wasn’t as terrifying since I already know what I had to do.

Did it make me happy?  Yeah, I feel like I’m more me now.  (Does that make any sense?)  And I’m actually very proud that I did it on my own.  And if there is any person close to me who thinks it looks very inappropriate, I don’t care much about your opinion on this matter.  Having piercings didn’t harm any of you—it did more harm to me, actually.  It’s best if you’d just accept me for who I am.

5.  My Sister’s Wedding - November 26

Looking back at my sister’s wedding, I realized it’s not the wedding day itself that was memorable—at least for me.  It was the preparations for it.  And I mean that because, I’m good at that stuff—preparing and designing event materials.

I wasn’t stressed during the preparations since I’m practically used to it, thanks to my event planning experience with my previous job.  If there was anything that drove me nuts, it was my sister’s nagging and stressful episodes.  Everything felt so complicated and problematic whenever her thoughts jump right in, and I always wanted to tell her that there’s no room for such drama when you’re planning events such as her wedding.

I am so glad that my friends were there—who also eventually became a one-event choir—to welcome my rants and get a share of my madness.

Anyway, I can say that the event was successful, even though I was absolutely stressed during the wedding day itself—everyone was calling me, seeking my approval, plus I had TONS of roles to play.

One vital thing I realized after this:  I’m more alone now than I’ve ever been in my entire life.  My sister’s gonna have her own family.  My Dad’s having his own life in China.  My mother’s gone.  I’m alone, but I’m okay and I’m happy with what I have now.

4.  TG Life Resurrected - January 6, 10, and 15-18

A humongous part of my college—and high school, actually—life revolved around campus journalism.  It’s that one thing that made college more meaningful, more enjoyable, more exciting, and more stressful—in a good way—for me.  If it hadn’t been for that experience, I probably wouldn’t have had the foundation for all the skills that I am using right now for my profession.

Earlier this year, I was invited to train the now-members of The Gateway Group of Publications for the upcoming press conferences.  And since I didn’t have a regular job during that time, I was also invited to attend the conferences—both Cavitewide and Regionals.

The experience was just a surge of nostalgia.  A part of me wanted to join the contest myself, but my time’s long been over—and I’ve already grown tired of it after nearly more than five years of participation.  It’s now time for me to pass on my knowledge to the next generation of journalists.

I may not have taken home any medal or certificate, but it gives me great pride and joy that the students I trained were able to place in their respective contests.  The inner teacher inside me—who is still waiting for his time to shine—is verily satisfied.

INTERLUDE

I’m a hundred percent sure that all those memories that ranked 10th to 4th deserved all of their places.  I already know from the get-go who’ll get the lower ranks and probably wouldn’t even get in the ten.  Ranks 6th to 4th was a bit of struggle, but this eventual ranking is final.

For the final three…

Before divulging into that, I wanna go back to the past memories that topped since I started doing this kind of blog (just to have a throwback and a glimpse as to what memories usually top my list):

The Day Nanay Pinat Died (2013), My College Graduation (2014), The Great Depression of 2015, Mama’s Death at the start of 2016, and My Unemployed Days (2017).

I’ve already mentioned earlier that I had a huge problem regarding what memory would top the list.  This is my blog.  There are no rules in it.  I can just say that all three memories are tied on the first three places, but I don’t wanna do that since this list would not make any sense.

So… I’m not entirely sure about this rankings that I did for these three most memorable moments, since I relied totally from gut feeling here.  I tried to switch them all a couple of times, but in the end, everything went down to sentimentality.

3.  Accenture - February 23

This one’s an obvious frontrunner from the beginning.  After months of having no regular job, I finally got in to one of the most internationally renowned companies.

Tons of memorable moments happened when this chapter of my life started, and I wouldn’t want this list to be crowded with memories from Accenture.  (The A List Awards is the only exception I reconsidered.)

Working for Accenture is one of the most liberating moments that I’ve had in recent memory.

By liberating, I mean, in our team, people truly respect you for who you are.  They don’t mind your weirdness or your quirky personalities.  In here, I found people who I share the same interests with, and if I talk to them about it, they don’t get weirded out—sooooo unlike the people from my previous company.

And what I love most about this is that… I feel like the old me has returned.  Me who was constantly smiling.  Me who seemed like he doesn’t have any problem.  Me who could be in the borderline of crazy.

The me who believes that I can conquer the world in my own little ways.

2.  24th Birthday - January 27

“To know that someone appreciates my existence, someone is willing to spend their time with me, and someone is ready to get high with me is worth more than any money can ever get.”

I got that from the blog I made about my birthday.

I stand firm with what I said back then.  This is one of the most memorable birthdays I’ve ever had in the recent years—maybe even in my entire life.  Throughout the year, I was thinking that this moment might top this year’s list.  And I was secretly hoping that something good would still happen in my life since I couldn’t accept yet that this would be the one.  Thank God, things still happened.

This is the second time that my birthday celebration was included in the list, and this is its highest placement so far.  I still wish that someday, my birthday celebration would be the one on the first place.  This one was really close—it’s on the second place and it certainly lost by a minimal margin—but I had to hand it over to the other one that’s more… sentimental… and left my heart in emotional shards right after.

1.  A Day with Wilma - December 23

Amongst my friends who know that I love watching films, this is the first time that someone actually asked me to watch a movie with them.  You know… just me with him or her.

Ever since 2015, I’ve been glorifying the thought of me doing things on my own, and the belief that I can be happy on my own.  Having said that, I also have never set aside the fact that I’d be even happier if I do the things that I do with someone else.

For those who don’t know, Wilma’s one of my BFFs and one interesting fact about her is that SHE IS RARELY SPONTANEOUS—close to never, to be frank.  I am the opposite of that.  I adore spontaneity.  So when Wilma asked me to watch Spiderman: Into the Spider-verse with her—out of the blue—I said yes, without any hint of hesitation.  I didn’t even ask if she invited someone else, which I usually do when someone asks me if I wanna go with them.  I didn’t care.

I’m finally gonna watch a movie with a friend… my friend.

Wilma got caught on traffic on her way, so we missed our schedule by roughly 15 minutes.  She didn’t want to go on the next screening since she’s concerned that it might be too late for me, but I told her that it’s okay.  For the meantime, we had coffee—tea for me, actually—and I also helped her shop for Christmas gifts.

After watching the film, Wilma offered to eat dinner at her house, since I didn’t really give any concrete answer as to how I’m gonna feed myself that night.  And so we did.  We went to her house and ate dinner with her family.  Her Mom even wanted me to sleep over since it’s also a bit late already.  I told her that I had to attend the ninth Misa de Gallo the following day, but she insisted, saying, “Magsisimba rin naman kami.”  I wanted to say yes.  Part of me didn’t want to end the day just yet.  This day was feeding me with so much spontaneity, it’s making me euphoric.

But I didn’t have extra clothes with me… so I had to refuse.

On my ride home, I felt really weird, thinking about all the things that happened that day.  I wanted to cry, but I also wanted to laugh at the same time.  I was emotional, but I didn’t know what emotion it was.  I just knew that something inside my heart was not okay, yet I’m perfectly fine with it.

After years of feeling like the world completely neglects me, a day comes when all the love is poured out and I can’t even handle it.

I didn’t even have any picture of this day.  It exists now only inside the memory centers of our brains—Wima and mine’s.

I hope we can do this again sometime.

[heartofsnark]

Get To Know The Writer

I was tagged by the lovely @lin-ful, just so you know. You’re another writer who I follow on my personal account and who’s work I’ve loved since before I started writing for the kbtbb fandom. 

1. It’s the end of the world (?). You don’t feel fine. You need to burn books to stay warm. Which book off of your shelf burns first?

Bye-bye textbooks. I actually don’t have a lot of narrative books on my shelves. While I was an avid reader, I was also a poor kid, now I’m a poor adult who acts like a kid; character development! So, the public library was a good friend. I really love my for fun books I do own, so textbooks go first. 

2. If your writing could convey a message that you think desperately needs to be heard, what would be it?

Uh, I think the biggest thing I think I can effectively communicate that those in the fanfic writing community could use is that, this is suppose to be fun. I know for me personally; it can feel really easy to get caught up in writing what pleases others, trying to meet perceived expectations, trying to force yourself to be productive, or whatever. Validation and praise is incredible, one compliment can make your entire day,  but if you lose sight of what makes writing fun for you, is it really worth it in the end? So, write what you want and don’t get to caught up in what gets the most notes. If there’s passion behind what you’re doing, you’ll find the people who appreciate it.

3. Has an OC ever said something that surprised you? 

Yeah, as strange as that is to say since it is an original character and I control them. I am a bit of a write by the seat of your pants kind of person, my plots has changed literally paragraphs into the work. So, sometimes I’m caught off guard by the things I write.

4. Do you collect things writing or reading related? Something that supplements your ~process~? 

I am an office/school supply hoarder. I love writing on paper, before I move things to my computer. I have way too many pens, notebooks, sticky notes, binders; literally the second I get my refund money for college, I am go to the office supply sections. I even have one of those little desk organizers and it’s overflowed. I also have a cat shaped sticky note holder.

5. A celebrity author you admire loves one of your books and their praise will appear in the next edition. Now they’ve written a new book, but… it wasn’t your cup of tea. Their publisher wants a blurb about it. Do you tell the truth, or manufacture polite praise? 

I’m not about to rain on anyone’s parade. Like, have you seen my writing? Who the hell am I to shit on anyone else’s work. I also prefer honesty. If it was like 0/10, I could not find a single positive, I would just tell them I couldn’t write the blurb, get someone else. Otherwise, I would just find the positives. Even if the plot isn’t my particular jam; are the characters good, is the dialogue good, does it flow well, etc.

6. BOOM, MAGIC! You are sucked into one of your worlds. The only way to break the spell is to convince at least three OCs that you are their creator and the creator of their world. How would you try to do it?

Who says, I want to break the spell? Ever thought about that? Uh, but legit, it depends on which oc/mc. I’m gonna break the prompt a bit and have 3 MC’s/OC’s from 3 different worlds. Because they’re my favorites.

Regan, my Supernatural OC, would be the easiest to convince hands down. Just by virtue of her being from the Supernatural universe. I would tell her and she’d just be like, “Yeah, fucking probably.” Nothing surprises her at this point. There is literally a plot like this with Chuck in SPN. She’d just throw her hands up in the air and say fuck it.

Haejin, my Mystic Messenger MC, would tell me she believes me even though she wouldn’t; just to get rid of me. I would have to legit, recount her entire backstory to her, then she would just be too freaked out. Like, depending on at what point in her story she’d be at, she’s like asking Jumin for bodyguards. My OC would put a restraining order out against me, if needed. 

Tsuneko, my Kissed by The Baddest Bidder MC, would not be having any of it. She’d just be like; “I don’t have the time or energy for this; did the bidders put you up for this? I’m gonna kill them.” She’d be over it and if I kept bugging her; she’d probably threaten me or call security. I’d probably end up having to convince the bidders to convince her; I’d go for Baba, because the rest of them would be mean.

7. You’re stuck having one of your original villains over for dinner. How does it go?

I don’t think I have a lot of original villains, I tend to use the villains of whatever world I’m writing for. There was Camael, an angel villain within my  not written Supernatural  fic world, which angels don’t eat. So, I doubt she’d come over for dinner.

If it’s okay for me use canon villains. I apparently have a thing for blonde cult leaders. 

Rika is a horrific human being; but she’s a pretty lady, have you seen her bad end in V’s route? Dear god, she flusters me. I could listen to her ramble about paradise, I’ll tune her out and look at her pretty face. Then ask Jumin to send his police forces/security out to arrest her. Never tell V and Yoosung, how much I was attracted to their abusive ex and cousin. I have a fear kink, so villains get to me, I don’t think I would act on it in the reality, but it’s a temptation.

Within KBTBB, Mamoru would hate me forever, but, Aida isn’t a bad looking man. Obviously, he’s a bad man, but he’s easy on the eyes. Again, listen to crazy cult ramblings, make fear kink related goo goo eyes. Then call Mamoru to come get him, before I make a terrible decision. I don’t know why this became me thirsting over cult leaders, but here we are.

8. Has writing benefited you in any way?

Definitely, writing has benefited me. I’ve met people through it, I’ve gained confidence through people’s positivity, I’ve gotten to vent and express some of my issues. I think literally any writer will tell you writing benefits them, otherwise they wouldn’t be a writer.

9. You discover that whatever you write about comes to pass/becomes reality. After securing your own comfort, what do you write?

All financial problems for me and my family are solved, first thing. Not necessarily rich, but enough to always be secure and enjoy life. Second, I become thinner and prettier, cause while it shouldn’t be confidence, is often tied to physical appearance and mine is awful. Third, I  instantly have my masters degree in social work, I have a job I am happy and secure in that still gives me enough time to write and enjoy my hobbies. Last, all of my biases come into existence and I get to be at the center of the best poly-amorous relationship in the history of the universe.

10. Chosen pen name? 

My blog username….? I don’t really call myself anything special. I’ve said what my actual name is on here, I think you guys know my name. Do you all know my name? It’s on my about page, but that can’t be trusted, cause hellsite. I don’t really care that much about what you all call me. You can call me by my first name (It’s Mariah), you can call me by some variation of my username/url, call me fuckface for all I care; what do you want to call me? Go for it, unless it’s something really fucked up and troubling, I doubt I’ll care. I like to think that despite my borderline crippling anxiety disorder, I’m a pretty chill person.

Tagging: Whoever wants to do it? Like, if you haven’t done it yet and want to, go for it.

[atleast-we-were-electrified]

I REALLY needed this vent...

The past couple of days, I’ve been having a really tough fight with my mental health. I don’t particularly know why or what brought it on, it’s pretty hard to pinpoint but when I get like this, I tend to really dive into the hurt and the pain I’ve felt previously. I suppose this would be natural….feeling anxious and depressed over empty feelings?? Just think about the things that would initially throw you off guard and then you’ve nailed it! (sense the sarcasm). It initially started with thinking of a pretty toxic friendship I got myself into during high school and honestly, toxic is probably a really generous word to describe this. I will try keep this short. I struggled with settling into high school, due to going to a school not in the area I went to primary school…which meant a full new year group of people to try know. I spoke to the odd couple of people in my classes, just because I sat with them etc, got the people I spent lunch with but then I got close with a girl, who we are gonna call Sarah for the purpose of this story. Me and Sarah built a friendship pretty quickly, did nearly everything and anything together…sleepovers, concerts, random walks, mcdonald's runs, the cinema…pretty much you name it, we most likely did it together…we were attached by the hip. The friendship lasted right up until not long before we were going to start our 5th year at high school (maybe nearer the half way point of 4th year, give or take that time period). I was the last to notice the toxic nature that began earlier on in this friendship,  I guess the ‘victim’ always is the last one to really know just how bad a relationship is for them because they are so fast to jump onto being the caring person they are. Anyways, throughout this friendship with ‘Sarah’, I was distanced away from the people I had made friendships with from other classes, who I did get on with REALLY well, like really well…'Sarah' would get really angry and upset if I began talking about these other friends in conversation, or other friends we had made through going to gigs, meeting celebrities etc. I, in her eyes, wasn’t exactly allowed to have other friends…”my friend and my friend only” was the kind of attitude she had…but can we make a lucky guess who was allowed to befriend all these other people?….I really got lucky here didn’t I? I would eventually brush of the ‘petty’ arguments we would have…that’s what happened with high school and high school friendships, right? It was the normality. For the most part, this is what I thought and would always be able to see the good in people. Now, this is where I suppose it gets pretty shit. Arguing with ‘Sarah’, for anybody, not just me, was a task. She wasn’t ever wrong. If you called her out for wrongdoings, (which was pretty much 8/10 arguments you’d have, it be at her fault) she would point blame to being upset over her deceased mother. That was wrong of her. SO SO wrong. It turned the original victim of an argument to become apologetic for arguing back. I am by no means disregarding her feelings about her mother’s death, because they are SOOO understandable and something everyone would regret to happen to them…but she had a really horrible, nasty side to her and to put the blame away from herself was really bad. I recall the time where I noticed she would text other friends of hers about me. Sneaking pictures I wasn't aware she was taking, sending them to these people (some I didn’t even know nor met), and then talking down about me. Calling me every under the sun…. Would caption them things like, ‘I mean look at her…’ & ‘even Im prettier than THAT and i'm not that pretty’. I seen ALL of this and to this day, I don’ think she knows I seen anything at all, never mind conversations with a fair few people doing the same thing whenever I was being spoken about. I only know this because she had her iMessage linked up to her laptop, which she would let me use whenever I was over since mine had broke, so she was texting her friend at the time and didn’t realise I was getting each notification through as I scrolled through twitter ….AND I didn't even have the heart to say a word? Why? Honestly, I don’t know….she fell asleep and I ended up snooping a little (yes. I know, I really shouldn’t have but when you see small snippets of messages with your name in them…your anxiety runs WILD).  I kept being friends with her for at least another year and a half following this incident. Another incident was that after an argument we had at her house in her room (she had an attic room), I cant really remember what for, I have a really bad short term memory because I am dyslexic but from what  I do remember, it really probably wasn’t worth the dramatic antics from it but anyway, I got really anxious and didn’t feel comfortable staying the night and going out the next day, and preferred to go home but instead  of letting me leave and have my space…she sat down ON the hatchet door to go down from the attic and its a heavy door without somebody sitting slap down in the middle of it. I spent a good solid hour/ 1hr 30mins nudging her to move, trying to lift it, taking numerous panic attacks and she did….not..care. If I nudged her, she full forced pushed me away. “It’s my room so you’re not leaving here”. All I wanted in that moment was to go home and pull the covers up to my face in my OWN bed in my OWN room and cry my life away.  It was a pretty shitty situation, it really hurt me for weeks and weeks after this. I would still talk to these other people in my classes I got really good friends with…while I was in class but god forbid if I ever spoke to them outwit my classes when I should have been speaking to ‘Sarah’…that wasn’t allowed but it honestly, really wasn't the same as many people were aware of the type of person ‘Sarah’ was and saw right through the ‘good girl’ act she would put on. The friendship ended up finishing…finally (tehehe) when I came to my senses after something really, REALLY traumatic happened, for me at the time anyway, which I wouldn’t really know, where or how to even begin to write about that. By fluke, she had lowkey began distancing herself (or she always had but I noticed it this point)  a couple months before this incident began happening, so with this happening, I just cut ties because It was realising who my friends were caring about me and not disregarding me feeling how I felt then. She made my life living hell at school for a good month after cutting ties,  we were in a few classes together because of us being in the same registration class (so a smaller class of our full year split) , so she wasn’t somebody I could avoid every day at school.  It was a very lonely place to be. I’m not gonna list everything she did to make me feel how she did at this point but I was in class before lunch (which she was in) and she was sat talking about me to other girls at the other side of the class for the full 50 minutes and every time id look up from my desk, it was a line of dirty looks looking back at me. When class finished, I stood in the corridor and waited for it to clear a bit and I broke down into tears, I hadn’t cried like this before in public…. And to my luck, the friends I had in other classes, that I was ‘forced’ to break friendship with, were walking in my direction in an empty corridor and saw me in an absolute state and just sat with me and hugged me and just was really, REALLY decent people to me. To this day, I don’t think I could thank these people enough for allowing me to remember what it felt to be cared about. There is literally so so much that went on between all this, that would be an absolute shock to the system if I went back and described it all in detail etc but I’m gonna save myself from crying more than I have / am.  I could dive into rumours she started about me, things she would say or do about me while I was literally stood next too her but her choice of wording made it sound differently too myself. She would force me into things I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing ( I tweeted recently about the time where she forced me to let her put make up samples on me, like a full face, in a store publicly because ‘it would make me prettier’ ..and I let her and oh god I felt uncomfortable) Not really sure how and what else to say because as much as she made my life the worse it could have ever been, if anything ever happened to her I would be distraught still. So many people wonder why or how I would even think to concern about her after all the things she has done to me but she is still a person and she is a person I spent a large chunk of my life with and at a part of my life where it is known to be a hard time for a lot of people. I cared A LOT for her, more than I should have but I did. I wouldn’t ever go back there and be friends with her ever again but were both I guess older now and I’d like to think, passing her in the street, I would still say, ‘hey how are you’. I doubt so much, she is the same person she was in high school…everyone grows up and matures eventually but I do still believe she would be capable of doing it again to other people if she really wanted too. I just really cannot believe just HOW blind to the truth I was. Other friends out with school who didn’t even know her, were telling me to cut ties…my mum was….my FULL family was. It was the point where they would refuse her to stay over or to give us a ride places because they just were really disgusted in the things she did too me. She was manipulative, she was controlling and extremely overpowering. NOBODY deserves this. Its made me so much more aware of character judgement but I guess by biggest downfall is always seeing the good in people lmao but I fully sympathise with anyones horrible, toxic friendships. If you are in one, I do not hate anyone for feeling like they are stuck and bound to the relationship because that is how they make you feel…they make you feel like you can’t do things that would jeopardise the friendship….yet that is what they are doing themselves? It is a brave thing to do and as ive said, I will never ever regret it…EVER. It did make the last while of high school so much more bearable and my transition onto my next step of education was ridiculously easier as I wasn’t feeling like I had to stay and finish school (I left a year earlier) because ‘she would be alone’. If you’ve gotten this far, im gonna give you a star because it was such a while ride and this was written purely to get it out my system. I wanted to vent out about my infertility syndrome, MRKH as well as boy has that made me want to rip my hair out and eat it recently alongside reliving the feelings of this toxic friendship again but I will spare that one for now as this is lengthy and I’m not even gonna read it back…I’m too dyslexic for that. As you will have realised, I don’t REALLY do describing things and experiences I’ve had with A+ author grammar and English words so it probably doesn’t come across in words as it does in my head but all anyone needs to take by the end of this is that it fucking sucked and If you’re in a toxic relationship of any kind, it is OK to leave it. I wish everyone the best and I hope ya’ll have nice days💜