#I have a few criticisms of this book but this line. Chef’s kiss

[kitabasis]

From Domina by Guy de la Bédoyère

[jimlingss]

can i request a yoongi chef au? i feel like yoongi's culinary skills are underrated, and I'm just a slut for chef aus in general

Anonymous said: Hi I saw ur request open posts for the new year!!! Could u write more yoongi stories🥺?!?! Your stories are so fantastic and i’m thirsty for more yoongi lolol🤪(hopefully u get enough votes to do more of him haha)

I feel like Jin’s the one who’s usually written as the chef, prob because he’s the better known chef in BTS, but you’re right! There’s gotta be more chef Yoongi!AUs, so here you go!!!

↳ Buttering Up

2.2k || 100% Fluff & Flirtation || Min Yoongi || Chef!AU

He clearly doesn’t know who you are.

“Sorry to keep you waiting.”

You hum, arms crossed as you eye him up and down. His black hair is practically a bowl cut, bangs covering his forehead. He’s in casual clothes — a taupe trench and black pants — looking like he’s ready for a trip to the grocery store rather than to cook. You wonder where this child crawled out from.

“You’re Yoongi?”

“That I am.” He approaches the door of the restaurant before plunging his hands inside his trench coat pockets. He fishes out the key and unlocks it, ushering you inside. “Hope you don’t mind that the restaurant’s closed down.”

You mind much more that he left you waiting on the cold city street for over ten minutes. You still can’t believe he was late. The audacity.

“I would’ve liked to see how you and your staff do your dinner service.”

“Unfortunately, we’re booked full for the next two months.”

You scoff — how doesn’t he know who you are? You’re a food critic who’s brought highly regarded restaurants to their knees through a review of five sentences. Your words alone has had rippled effects in the industry. Even the most talented chefs hold their breaths when you taste-test.

You make Gordon Ramsey look like Mother Teresa.

This Yoongi character is much too arrogant to not respect you. His new and upcoming restaurant might have raving reviews, but you’ll see what’s really going on.

“Sit wherever you’d like.”

There are no waiters in fancy garb, no hand sewn tablecloths made of silk. He doesn’t even pull out the chair for you. Instead, he’s off flickering on the lights of the restaurant while you choose a wooden table and chair right in front of his open kitchen — which is a horrible mistake in itself.

Open kitchens have always been a concept that has fallen short in your eyes. It’s much too noisy during dinner service and it gets smelly fast. Who actually wants to leave smelling like butter and oil?

It’s something you note as you get settled. 

Your coat drapes at the back of the chair and then you watch him. Yoongi’s taken off his trench as well, revealing a white long sleeve that he’s beginning to roll up to his elbows. He’s lean and his build is small, but somehow, he’s far from being scrawny. You gawk at the veins running up his forearm until he casually asks—

“Do you have a preference for wine?”

“I’m fine with any.”

He hums and comes over from the glass cabinet with a bottle of chardonnay and a wine glass. Yoongi pops the bottle easily and pours into the pristine glass with a mere tilt of his wrist. You watch the stream fill the glass a quarter way full.

“Is there a menu?”

“You don’t need one.”

Your brows raise. “Excuse me?” 

“If I were you, I’d put myself in the chef’s hands entirely and go with their recommendation.” He strides away, placing the wine bottle on the other table and then he turns with a glint in his eye and his mouth slightly crooked upwards. “Unless, of course, you don’t trust your chef.”

Oh. He’s confident. 

You can’t wait for his ego to blow up in his face.

“Fine then.” Your head tilts upwards. “What’s your recommendation then?”

He rounds his way to go into the kitchen that’s only a few meters away from where you sit. “Risotto with grilled chicken breast, topped off with caramelized onions, mushroom, grilled zucchini and sautéed tomatoes.”

You roll your eyes. What a basic dish. Isn’t it just rice? And with chicken breast?! Ew. It's guaranteed to be bland.

“Alright then.” You give a smile that might be more mocking than intended. “We’ll see how it tastes.”

Yoongi starts and while sipping the chardonnay, you take a good look at the restaurant from your spot. The place is rustic with a hint of contemporary. There’s exposed brick, wooden tables and chairs, and low, yellow lighting. There’s nothing particularly impressive about the place.

Soon, the sound of rapid, rhythmic chopping fills the space and then sizzling. You watch him intently. And you’re appalled. This Yoongi guy commits the worst cooking sins — his pan is cold when he starts throwing on ingredients. He cooks with olive oil. He overcrowds the pan. And he doesn’t even taste test once as he cooks.

What the actual fuck. 

There’s a line between arrogance and insanity, and he was crossing it.

You cringe when he starts using his metallic spatula on the non-stick skillet.

Is he even qualified to run a restaurant?!

Or maybe your assistant sent you information about the wrong restaurant? Or maybe this was not the guy you were supposed to be eating from. What if he poisons you or kills off all of your taste buds?! Your career would be ruined.

“Everything going okay?” you pipe up.

He glances up at you for the first time, eyes peering past his bangs. “Yep. Should be done in five.”

Food is simple. It either tastes good or it doesn’t. But the higher up you go and the fancier it gets, the more convoluted the food tastes with bland flakes of gold and the same old truffle shavings. That or it’s entirely boring and unoriginal. 

Or in this case, it might kill you. Which would be the first. And you’re not happy about it.

You feel unsettled when he plops the dish in front of you.

“Chef’s recommendation.”

“Thanks.”

You feel unsettled because it actually smells good. The aroma that fills your senses is flavoursome and buttery, and the thyme on top adds a fresh hint. You’re also unsettled because the plating isn’t actually bad. It’s been presented in a pasta bowl with wavy designs and the chicken breast is thinly and neatly sliced on top. It’s clean. It’s bright. It’s colourful.

But the most lethal poisons are the appetizing ones.

“Are you going to wait until it gets cold?”

You look up, brows raising at how he’s gotten comfortable in the chair across from you. Usually the chefs and waiters or waitresses like to skedaddle off and leave you to your own thoughts, too afraid to stand in your intense scrutiny. But Min Yoongi twists off the cap of his water bottle and casually downs it in front of you.

“I’m just looking at the presentation.”

“Tastes better than it looks,” he exhales after swallowing his water. 

Your expression becomes skeptical. But you take the silver spoon beside you anyhow and decide not to waste any more time.

The spoonful goes into your mouth. He watches you. You chew.

Instantly, you halt. 

The flavour hits your tongue. Creamy. Thick. But each individual grain of rice still has some firmness with a discernible texture. It’s been done al dente. There’s sweetness from the caramelized onions. An earthy flavour from the mushrooms. A zesty touch from the thyme. The chicken breast is somehow still juicy and the tomatoes burst on your palate. 

Suddenly, you’re thrusted back into your childhood. Those summer days spent in the cottage. Sun-kissed cheeks, dirtied knees, cotton dresses. You can hear your late grandmother in the kitchen. The way she calls out that it’s lunchtime. You can feel the comfort of family and love.

It feels like you’ve become the food critic in the ratatouille movie. 

You almost cry.

“What do you think?”

You clear your throat. You have to be honest. There’s no way you can lie about something like this. “It’s good. I think...this is the best risotto I’ve ever had. You cooked it perfectly and the toppings you chose were absolutely immaculate with this dish—”

You look up at him. Min Yoongi has an enormous, cocky smirk plastered across his stupid face.

It’s entirely off-putting. 

“But of course,” you quickly add, “there are many ways you could improve on it. You could add cilantro—”

“That would unnecessarily drown out the notes of thyme you taste,” he rebukes without a single beat and you scoff. 

“I noticed you didn’t add any pepper to it which could deepen the flavour.”

“Except this dish doesn’t need it,” Yoongi deadpans. “You don’t need to help me make any adjustments. I think I know what I’m doing better than you are. Just do your job and I’ll do mine.”

You suck in your cheek and narrow your eyes on him before you take another bite of the risotto while it’s still hot. “The food is delicious, but I must say, the company really spoils it.”

Yoongi’s slumped with one cheek resting in his hand, elbow on the table. He lazily stares at you with that smirk of his. “Really? Because if I didn’t know any better, you look nervous rather than annoyed.”

You scoff for the second time. “Why would I be nervous?”

“Maybe you didn’t expect the food to taste as good as it does and that makes me unexpectedly attractive,” he states plainly. You almost choke. You hit your chest as you sputter. “Or maybe you’re intimidated by me. I’ve gotten both before.”

You wipe your mouth with the napkin. “I’m afraid you’re not very perceptive, Min Yoongi.”

“Really? I think I am.” He smiles, the corners of his mouth quirked. “I’ve read your reviews before.”

You’re unamused. “Have you now? So you must know how difficult I am to satisfy.”

His smirk is sly and it’s jarring against his softer, more tender features. He’s smaller than the men you’re used to being around, but somehow it feels like he’s taken up the entire space of the restaurant. His focus on you is sweat-inducing. Even if you don’t want to admit it. 

“I don’t think so. You’ve just been eating shit food,” he says bluntly and your brow cocks. “You just need someone good you can trust. Someone who can take care of you properly.”

You’re not sure if the double entendre is purposeful. You wouldn’t put it past him.

“And is this someone you?”

Yoongi shrugs and sits back. “It could be.”

You grab your glass of chardonnay and gulp the rest in an effort to stop the conversation before it completely derails into a different direction. Yet, Yoongi’s half-lidded and darkened eyes stay on yours with each swallow. He’s unfazed. Unbothered. And that bothers you even more — bothered in a way that makes your face hot.

There’s a clack as you put the wine glass down and gasp. 

“I’m a professional.” You won’t be swayed so easily. “I can’t be bribed.”

“Of course.” He blinks as if he doesn’t know what you’re talking about. You glare at him and he gestures to the dish. “Please. Keep eating.” 

You finish the plate.

“Do you want any seconds?” he asks as he gets up.

“I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” Yoongi lingers, all too brazen and fearless. “If you don’t get any more now, you might have to come back for more.”

This time, you don’t try to hide the roll of your eyes. “That’s a presumptuous assumption.”

Yoongi smirks and his voice is husky. “After getting a taste from me, everyone comes back for more.

You scoff.

Min’s Restaurant Review

Three nights ago, I ate at Min’s Restaurant and met the main man in the kitchen. Unfortunately, he is a difficult person to interact with. I hope no one has the disservice of having to speak to the chef behind the dishes. Doing so may as well ruin the experience. Furthermore, his cooking methods are unconventional and unorthodox. It was completely shocking to watch.

However, and what I would consider most important, the food at Min’s Restaurant is spectacular. What Min’s Restaurant lacks in likeable personnel, they make up in the served cuisine. The meal that was prepared for me not only subverted my initial expectations, but overcomes, what I consider, what the food industry is lacking in this modern age exactly. Without unnecessary garnishes and ingredients, the flavours of Min’s Restaurant are both light and deep. It was an undeniable delight to consume and for the first time, I licked my plate clean. 

It is undoubted that the man behind Min’s Restaurant has the hands of god.

You should have pride.

But you’ve always loved good food. It’s your Achilles heel. It’s the one thing you’ve been passionate about since you were a kid. The reason why you love your job.

Even after writing such a review, you find yourself booking another reservation. But as a customer instead of a critic.

Of course, they were booked full for the next six months, largely thanks to your review, and they swiftly refused you with numerous apologies. But they called back not ten minutes later. You have a feeling that your name finally sunk into them — that he had something to do with it. 

That theory is confirmed when you arrive. The person in question is next to the seemingly nervous hostess as the noisy kitchen echoes throughout the busy restaurant. 

In the low lighting, Min Yoongi stands there with a relaxed smirk. As if he was expecting you. As if he knew you’d come crawling back to him to eat out of the palm of his hand, literally and figuratively.

You hate that he’s right.

“Welcome back.”

[arvinsescape]

The Princess and the Guard.

A/N: Chapter two is here, this Chapter is a bit of a filler and more will happen in the next Chapter. I hope you all enjoy! I will accept feedback and constructive criticism. 

This series is not historically accurate and is not intended to be so please bare that in mind when you are reading, I am no real expert on how royalty works (even if I am from England).

This series will contain misogynistic language and views, violence, death and nsfw content. I will always put the relevant warnings into each chapter!

Teaser, Chapter one, Chapter two, Chapter Three, Chapter four

Warnings: None.

W/C: 2.4K (The chapters are set to get longer starting next week.)

Chapter two:

“You look like you had a good evening your highness.” Annie said as you made your way into your bedroom, your interaction with Tom still had your heart hammering in your chest.

“It did not turn out as badly as I had anticipated.” You answered and Annie smiled as she got to work unpinning your hair, taking the butterfly grip out first and placing it carefully into your jewellery box.

“Did you meet someone?” She asked, almost excitedly.

“No, no one my mother would be happy with.” You almost sighed. “Anyway, tell me, what will you be doing with your day off?” You asked changing the subject, Annie got a day off a week to be able to do as she pleased.

“I was hoping to go to the market and then visit my mother’s grave.” She said and you smiled sadly at her, she was so close to her mother, it saddened you that she lost her so young. “Then I was hoping to attend the bar that most of the staff do.” She said and it piqued your interest.

“Most of the staff? Who else goes?” You asked.

“Well Tuwaine and Sam go often.” She said and you smirked, it was no secret that Annie was attracted to Tuwaine. A blush often creeping up her neck and onto her cheeks when she spoke to him. Sam and Tuwaine were the lead chef’s in the kitchen. “Harry attends when he can.” She said and you smiled.

Harry and Sam where twins and Tom’s younger brother’s. Harry was in charge of training the royal guard to protect the crown and due to this he didn’t often get time off. They had an even younger brother Patrick who was training to be a stable hand, he loved the horses and taking care of them. Tom’s father worked as the groundskeeper, you’d had many conversations with him whilst walking through the grounds. Tom’s mother made most of the dresses you and your mother wore.

It was strange to you, your parents had employed Tom’s for years and you wondered if they would possibly be happy about you and Tom but you knew that was a long shot. Although your mother loved Tom’s family, she was still proper and everything had to be done in a certain way to her.

“Thomas goes.” Annie broke you from your thoughts, you tried to hide the smile that threatened to spread across your face at the mention of Tom’s name. “He’s gets a lot of female attention.” She laughed and your stomach warped with disappointment.

“He does?” You asked.

“Well of course. Not to step out of line but he is a very attractive man. Women are all over him when he comes. He doesn’t often entertain them though.” She laughed.

“He does not?” You asked and she smiled shyly.

“He seems to have a very specific type. I’ve only seen him leave with three women this year and they all have a lot in common.”

“They do?”

“I’m sorry, I am saying too much. It’s not my place, Thomas probably would not appreciate my gossiping.”

“I will not tell him.” You smiled in reassurance and she returned it. She encouraged you to stand as she started working on unlacing your dress.

“Please forget I said anything, I wouldn’t want to start any vicious rumours.” She said and you decided to drop it, she’d asked, so you would. It would be wrong to push her because at some point she wouldn’t be able to deny your request and that was an abuse of your power that you didn’t like.

“How long has it been since you lost your mother?” You asked her, you knew it was the anniversary of her death tomorrow, she’d asked you politely and almost shyly for the second day off this week and of course you had given it to her.

“Ten years.” She said as she slipped your nightgown over your head before moving your ballgown to be cleaned. You moved to your jewellery box and looked through it to find the pearl necklace you’d received a few years ago from a suitor when he’d asked for your hand. You clutched it in your hand as you moved towards Annie and took her hand in yours.

You placed the pearl necklace into her palm and she gasped slightly as she looked at what you had given her.

“I want you to take this and I want you to sell it, it will get you a good price. Buy something nice for your mother’s grave and for yourself.” You smiled and you watched as tears pooled in her eyes.

“Princess, I cannot accept this.” She said as she tried to give it back to you.

“You can. I insist. I would rather this necklace went towards something nice and to a nice person rather than collect dust in that box.” You smiled.

“Thank you, your highness.” She said as she wiped at her eyes and you pulled her into a hug.

“I hope you have a lovely day off tomorrow and get to do what you wanted to do. I will miss you, Jane is lovely but she is not you.” You laughed.

“Thank you. I shall see you when I return.”

**

You didn’t mind Jane, she was a very good maid but she was nowhere near as shy as Annie is. She’s very open about what she wants and isn’t too afraid to give certain opinions. You’d had a pretty uneventful day, the palace had been quiet due to most of the staff being off for the day and your parents had been visiting a Lord not too far away, which meant most of the guard was also gone. Jane was currently unpinning your hair and she was staring at the butterfly grip.

“I always wanted to be a princess.” She said as she put the grip into your jewellery box, not as carefully as Annie would and you had to bite your tongue in order to not shout at her. “I would love to marry a man who could make me rich.” She added and you almost rolled your eyes.

“Life as a rich woman is not as glamourous as one might assume.” You said.

“It has to be better than how it is for us though. You have your pick of the men.” She said and you raised your brows. “Sorry, that was inappropriate.”

“I may have my pick of many men but not many of them are nice.”

“But they have so much money. Not to be too inappropriate but that must be a good thing.” She said and you sighed.

“That is inappropriate. I would not like to be married to a man who I cannot stand.”

“What about that Duke? I’ve heard he has taken quite a liking to you.” She asked.

“I do not know him so well so I would not like to pass judgement.” You said as she began to brush your hair.

“I always wanted to marry your brother, he would have made me a princess and your sister.” You did raise your brows at that. “Sorry that was out of line.”

**

Once Jane was finished, you were quick to dismiss her, you did not enjoy her company at all the way you enjoyed Annie’s. You decided to head to the library in search of a romance novel you’d read so many times you’d lost count, after having found it you made your way back towards your room. A pair of voices however, stopped you in your tracks, you knew it was rude to eavesdrop but one of the voices had caught your attention.

“Jane.” You heard Tom’s voice, almost in warning.

“I don’t understand.” You heard Jane huff. “I thought you liked me.” She snapped.

“I’m not sure what gave you that impression.” You heard Tom answer, almost bored.

“We kissed last week.” Jane stated matter of factly and you swear your heart stopped at her words, you knew you shouldn’t have been bothered about it but you couldn’t help it.

“No, I believe you kissed me and I rejected you. I’m sorry Jane but I don’t like you that way.” You heard Tom say and it was like the words forced your heart to start beating again.

“Well I’m sorry that I don’t look like her.” You heard Jane snap. “You need to get a grip Tom, she’ll never like you back.” Your ears perked at that, he liked someone?

“I think you should go.” You heard Tom warn again.

“Unless you get some sudden cash injection and title change you’ll never be able to have her. Don’t make yourself miserable over a woman you can only wish has feelings for you, or even remembers your name.” Jane snapped again and you heard her footsteps as she rushed away from the conversation. Your heart was beating in your chest, your grip on the book was tight. He liked someone? Someone of a higher status?

You spent a few moments collecting yourself before you made your way around the corner and down the corridor, hoping Tom would have moved by now, he hadn’t. You realised that your appearance was less than appropriate, hair down, nightgown on, no shoes on at all. What would he think?

“Princess.” You heard his voice and you almost smiled.

“Tom.” You greeted and he smiled at you.

“Out for a late night walk?”

“No. Well yes. I wanted a book from the library.” You stumbled over your words, it felt foreign to you, you’d never struggled with what to say.

“I don’t think the Princess should be walking alone around the palace.” He almost scalded.

“Really? Who is going to tell me off? You?” You teased and he laughed.

“No. However, I would like to be a gentleman and escort you back to your room.” He said and you blushed.

“What would people think if they saw you escorting me to my bedroom?” You laughed and he smiled.

“They would probably assume I am doing my job.”

“You are Harrison’s guard, not mine.” You reminded him and he smiled.

“Correct, I am. However, Harrison does not need my services tonight and you may. Like I said, I would like to be a gentleman.” He smiled again and your heart fluttered.

“Alright then.” You said as you fell into step next to him, he looked down and smiled.

“You have no shoes on.” He pointed out and you laughed.

“I do not.”

“It looks cute.” He added and you both blushed. “Sorry, I should not have said that.”

“It’s alright, I cannot really get angry at a compliment.” You reassured.

“Please be careful where you step, I would not like you to hurt your feet.” He said nervously and you laughed.

“Tom, I thought we were passed the proper talk.”

“You still speak proper.” He teased and you breathed out a laugh.

“I apologise, I’m not really used to speaking to people that don’t expect it of me.” You said and instantly regretted the words. That sounded awful. “Wait, no. Sorry I didn’t mean-“

“I know what you meant.” He reassured and you relaxed.

“So Tom,” you pried. “Tell me. Do you have a special girl?”

“Something like that.” He answered.

“What is that supposed to mean?” You laughed. “You either do or you don’t.”

“Well I am in love with a woman, yes. But I doubt she sees me in such a way.” He answered.

“I’m sure she would.” You reassured. You were almost back to your room and you found yourself disappointed.

“Even if she did, it would be frowned upon. She is much too good for me.”

“That can’t be true. Tom, you are a lovely man. No one is too good for anyone.” You said.

“That isn’t true, this woman is special, she’s too good for everyone.” He said and you found yourself wanting to know who this woman was immediately.

“Who is it?” You asked as you stood outside your bedroom door.

“If I told you that Princess it would land me in a whole lot of trouble.” He said, there was no one around and you found yourself grateful.

“You can trust me.” You said and he smiled sadly.

“Even if I did tell her, it would change nothing. I’m in love with a woman I cannot have. Even if she did love me back, it would never be allowed. She would never be allowed to marry a guard.” He said and your heart burst in your chest, he was talking about you, that much was obvious and it filled you with a feeling you’d never had before, you couldn’t describe it.

“What if she didn’t care? What if the men she was supposed to marry didn’t interest her.” You said and he smiled.

“It wouldn’t matter, she can do better than me.” He said, you were close and if anyone were around they would deem it inappropriate but you couldn’t find it in you to care.

“What if she didn’t think so.” You said, your faces had somehow gotten closer during the exchange. Your heart beating in your chest.

“Oh Princess, you really are perfect.” He whispered, it almost sounded like he was talking to himself. You found yourself holding your breath in anticipation as he leant even closer to you, your eyes closing. You waited to feel his lips on yours but you never did. Instead you felt his lips on your cheek, the spot he’d kissed was burning as he removed them.

It took you a moment to open your eyes, composing yourself, but once your eyes had opened you were met with nothing, you watched as he made his way down the corridor, around the corner and out of sight. You were left with your heart almost beating out of your chest and the biggest smile on your face you’d ever had.

**

Taglist: @allthisfortommy , @bi-lmg , @bigassnocash , @thoughtfulfireangelpersona , @aidinniram 

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[lovely-v]

LOTR (films) Review

So I finally watched the LOTR films (20 years later). I’m super excited to review these because I read the books very recently so I feel at least a little prepared to voice some opinions. Overall I loved the films, here’s a very long (but by no means exhaustive) compilation of my thoughts, which are of course, totally subjective:

(Warning: a lot of me saying “well, actually, in the book...”)

THINGS I LIKED

- Casting! not much to say here, I thought the casting was great. One of my favorite actors that I didn’t think i’d have a huge opinion on was David Wenham as Faramir. I was kinda ambivalent on him when I saw pictures but i thought he did a great job. he showed his quality.

- Music. so much has been said about the films on the music front. I can’t offer too much original insight but when a bit of the Shire theme started to play as Frodo tries to make his way up Mount Doom I cried a little.

- Boromir and Aragorn. I liked the scene where they interact a little in Rivendell. I also like how Aragorn saves Boromir in the Moria battle and gives him this little nod of friendship. I think the films did a great job portraying the dynamic they have where Aragorn is clearly suspicious of Boromir’s motivations but grows to respect him to the point where he doesn’t even blame Boromir for being corrupted by the ring because he understands that, at heart, Boromir is a good person. 

- Sam and Frodo in Osgiliath. I expected to be kind of annoyed with the way this plot point played out (I knew ahead of time that it strayed from the book), but I actually liked it a lot. As I’ll say later, there’s some gripes I have with the way the films extremely play up the disagreements between Frodo and Sam, but I loved the scene where Frodo pulls the sword on Sam and then seems so defeated when he realizes what he’s done. I was pleasantly surprised by how emotional this scene made me. It’s admittedly A Lot, but it was done nicely, especially in conjunction with Sam’s “there’s good in this world” speech.

- Treatment of the ending. I almost think I should dislike the ending as it is in the movies, but my heart is soft and I like that they sugarcoated it a bit. I know the whole point of the Scouring of the Shire and Frodo’s depression conveys a lot about war and trauma and I think that is important, but after watching these things for twelve hours I just wanted Frodo & co. to be happy and I was kinda relieved that they cut the Scouring. Does that make me weak and perhaps bad at film analysis? yes. do I care? no. I was also very glad that the movies didn’t portray how depressed Sam was about losing Frodo in the end. Yes, he cries, but when he walks home to his family he seems happy and in the books that scene came off so much bleaker. I definitely liked the lighter tone.

THINGS I WAS NEUTRAL ON/DIDN’T LIKE

- Arwen. (Neutral) I don’t hate her, I don’t love her. I think the story she and Aragorn have is compelling and I 100% get why the filmmakers decided to add it to give her character more depth, but it felt misplaced at times. maybe it’s just because it was the only storyline I didn’t know in depth, but the scenes with the Arwen/Aragorn flashbacks felt a bit confusing and disorienting. Don’t have anything against Arwen as a character though, I think she’s pretty alright.

- Gimli. (Complicated thoughts) I want to start off by saying I don’t dislike Gimli. I like him a lot! I just think the movies did him a bit dirty. He had some good movie-exclusive moments, but I think his character really fell into this place of being the butt of too many jokes. Would have liked to see some more serious Gimli development, especially with his relationship to Legolas. Their friendship felt too much like subtext here, whereas it’s explored far more in the books.

- Two Towers Pacing. (Didn’t really like). The pacing of TTT was...weird. maybe I’m going into this with a closed mind because of the books, but it was odd to have the movie begin with Frodo and Sam and then have them only appear for a few rapid scenes after that. I think the fact that a WHOLE LOT of what happens to Frodo and Sam in TTT is moved to RotK is what makes it feel that way? In the books, Two Towers ends with Sam discovering that Frodo isn’t dead from Shelob’s sting, and I was surprised by how long it took the movies to get to that part. However, I will give the films a little leeway because I think they needed Frodo & Sam content for RotK, since most of what happens in that book is them walking through Mordor basically starving and dying. Doesn’t make for great cinema I guess, so they had to put the whole Shelob/Cirith Ungol saga into the final film. Still, I think there’s a weird lack of Frodo and Sam’s presence in TTT.

- The go home/missing bread arc. (Full of rage abt this one) yeah. so. my criticism of this is gonna sound pretty tired because people complain and complain about this part of RotK. but I’m gonna complain some more!! I don’t think the split between Frodo and Sam does anything for the plot. I really don’t. I guess it emphasizes the fact that Sam doesn’t understand how much Frodo is projecting onto Gollum, but it’s just. unnecessary angst? They had enough angst in the Osgiliath scene! Which I actually liked! And it simply doesn’t make a lot of sense for Frodo to suspect Sam of eating the bread when Sam had already offered Frodo his own food and made it clear that he would very much starve if it meant making sure Frodo could eat. But what I hate most about this scene is not that Frodo gets mad and tells Sam to go home. No. It’s that Sam actually... thinks about doing that? he actually? goes down the staircase? emotionally this is bad because Sam clearly cared enough about Frodo to follow him this far, to nearly drown for him, so why would he leave now. Practically this is bad because 1. how would Sam get out of Mordor alone and 2. where would he go. He turns around almost immediately, yes, but what was his plan. where was he going. why.

THINGS I LOVED

- For Frodo! This line, and every other shoutout to Frodo. In the books, they didn’t really actively talk about/worry about Frodo (and Sam) as much as they do in the movies. I like that they talk about Frodo more in the movies! I like that they’re thinking about him! I know it was implied that they were in the books, but I really like how it’s shown here. I think it gave a more complete picture of how much they all care about him on a personal level in addition to just needing him to succeed from a pragmatic standpoint. 

- Merry and Pippin! I feel like Merry and Pippin were so well rounded in the films. I’ve heard criticism about them being turned into comic relief characters (which they always were a little bit) but it honestly didn’t feel that way to me. They had a bit of a rough start because the films didn’t make their motives for going with Frodo as deep as the books did, but I think that by TTT they were absolutely amazing characters in every scene. In RotK their respective arcs hit really well and the scene where Pippin is singing to Denethor? *chef’s kiss* poetic. beautiful. sad. idk man I just feel like I have such a newfound appreciation for Merry and Pippin.

- Parallels! people have pointed out the parallel of Frodo and Sam’s hands before (drowning scene/mount doom scene) and I love how the movie did that. Just stunning. Also! The moving of the Smeagol & Deagol scene to RotK surprised me because in the books it was like,,,at the beginning of Fellowship, but I think the placement of it in the movies really helped emphasize the similarities between Smeagol & Deagol and Frodo & Sam (and how much Frodo fears this similarity.) There were a lot of other well done parallels between storylines and a few bits of dialogue that were repeated with great timing, but I can’t remember all of them at the moment.  

Edit: here’s one I remembered! when Frodo wakes up after being rescued and sees Gandalf, he says Gandalf’s name in a very similar tone to the one he used at the very beginning of Fellowship. It was a nice little subtle connection.

- I can’t carry it for you...alright this is self-indulgent. everyone knows I love this line. I’m just so glad it made it into the movie intact. Sean Astin’s delivery was amazing. I cheered. My mom cheered. It’s a raw line and it makes me feel secret emotions...like if shrimp colors were feelings. that line makes me feel shrimp feelings. idk i’m so tired i just watched twelve hours of movies this review is decreasing in quality by the minute but i’m about done for now anyway

Various silly afterthoughts

- I would have liked to see Sam kiss Frodo’s hands at least once. This happens 50 thousand times in the books, they could have given me one scene. one little extended edition scene. Please Peter Jackson I’m dyin’ out here

- They literally made Gollum so hateable. kinda the point yes, but I was so on board with Sam’s murderous rage. I know why Gollum’s a profoundly complex character, I know why Frodo pities him, I know why murder is bad, but I too would throw hands with that creature. also he literally body shamed Sam so much what was that skdjksdjksd. Sam is lovely. let him commit a small homicide. 

- the scene where merry and pippin drink the tall boy juice (as someone once referred to it in the tags of one of my posts)... not accurate to the books (since they don’t ever drink it with the end goal of getting tall) but so accurate to life. if I found some water that made me taller than my friends? let me at it

- Frodo panicking when he falls into the spider webs. so real bestie. i felt just as panicked watching that. i am terrified of spiders and Elijah Wood did an amazing job doing exactly what i’d do in the situation. yelping a lot and falling down.

- I feel like it’s never stated that Sam’s a gardener (or at least that he’s specifically Frodo’s gardener) until he tells Faramir he is. Did I miss this. Or do they really never say.  are you just meant to know. are you just meant to pick up gardener vibes from him.

*

This has been a very chaotic lotr movie review. Thanks for reading.

[va9art]

I think I’ve been quiet for way too long and I should come back and fangirl about it.

Before I go down the many lines of praises I have to just to let you know all about, all things considered, I think of myself as a huge Dramione fan but one that relatively to the majority of us in the fandom, doesn’t consume just as much.

I read fanfictions, but no that much - I read more books. (those sold on bookshop, you know the old paper concept).

I enjoy HP characters - but I somehow don’t branch out. (I tend to stick way too often with DHr and generally consider branching out when it’s a Draco/Hermione/Theo 🤷‍♀️)

I go crazy mad for certain fanfics too - but somehow I limit myself to rec those ff when asked, and generally leave only kudos.

So, if I’ve learned anything from @winewandsandwafflingpodcast I certainly need to step up my games.

First and foremost:

1. If you happen to read this post, go and click on the tag above, then find the podcast, put your headphone on and press play. Enjoy, darling.

I am now going through the very pleasurable job of catching up with the last few months worth of episodes - that somehow I missed to keep up lately, so typical of me, and I cannot express my gratitude to @frumpologist and her host @ladykenz347 enough for this podcast and their discussions. I am having such a great time listening to you fangirl-ing hard and simultaneously discuss on very deep level the analysis of fics and most importantly the fandom itself! You’re constantly touching important aspects of the world we live in - though only virtually, and I think your critical points of view, together with the voices of guests that you bring from the fandom, are a much needed review that we need to hear, explore and share together. So, really, thank you.

And it’s because of them and their Episode 8, that I finally branch out-branch out. With none other than:

‘The Secretary’ by @pacific-rimbaud

Summary:

Threatened with the loss of her trust fund allowance, wild child Pansy Parkinson takes her mother up on an offer she can't refuse: a job at the Ministry of Magic as personal secretary to tightly wound bureaucrat Percy Weasley.

The job is demanding, and so is her boss, in ways that Pansy never could have imagined.

When their mutual desires begin to spin out of control, how will Pansy convince her boss that sometimes, the only rules you need to follow are your own?

A loving tribute to the pure and criminally underappreciated magic that is the ParkWeasel ship, and the 2002 film Secretary.

Here I come:

This fic had me - all of me: attention, heart, fangirl wailing, all of it, from the very beginning. It shouldn’t really come as a surprise, since I absolutely adore PacificRimbaud’s writing style and stories. I am not quite too sure I can put Party Lines behind this fic, there is no need surely since one is a Dramione (surprise surprise) and the other one is a ParkWeasel, and why shall I even throw in there Major Arcana a Lucius Malfoy/Andromeda Black Tonks? This creator here has an extraordinary ability to make you instantly fall head to toe for rare pairs that you usually forgo, because - really, I know my linkings - and no, you don’t. The second you step into one of her story, the minute you begin to say ‘oh well, but that sounds nice,’ you’re so damn past the point where you can go back to your comfortable pairs, so much so that you might just want to change your introduction on Tumblr and just add the tag ‘whatever PacificRimbaud’s rare-pair present you with - I ship it’. I surely should, because now I’ve just locked eyes with a Draco/Scabior tag and I am trying to stay calm, because truly I should know my bloody likings, shouldn’t I?

I am one that adore, above all, Dom/Sub fictions without any worries to say this out loud, but I understand how this might not be the proverbial beloved cup of tea of one’s likings, so I should explain why this kinky fanfic won’t have you cringe in any possible way. Because she makes it sounds and feels so natural. Your read it and it makes sense. Particularly this fic, has the capacity of introducing a kink at the right moment, cleverly pacing it out throughout its 6 chapters. I liked personally how this was a fiction based on the discoveries of these sexual kinks, more than the narration of such things acted out exclusively. It has psychological description of it that just adds depth to the relationship - one I never even explored once in my life. And that now I’m digging for.

If asked, what’s the one thing that got me widening my eyes and going loudly ‘yessss, girl’, is Percy ending his working day on white paper, miniature crow, flying notes, neat and precise description of what Pansy should wear the next day. Down to her knickers. If you know, you know, if you don’t, read this fanfic right away.

Lastly, this writer here not only has created this (as many others) beautiful piece of fanfic, which I absolutely worship, but has also created an artwork for it! And I find it extremely lovely! I love her style (one that reminds me, and I mean this the outmost respect for both artists, the Fernando Botero’s style) and I feel so much for her that’s she’s written her fic and drawn for it, too. Damn, girl, you rule. (Also, I had the big, massive, apocalyptic magnitude size honour of having inspired her once to write a one off for a piece of art I made and which I am shamelessly going to tag along, because why not, the artwork might be average, but the story’s chef’s kiss! ‘Off the Ground’) Darling, I should have come and praised you high and loud a long time ago - it’s just not my modus operandi of participating in the fandom. But here it is, although you also write some rare-pairs that don’t meet the same degree of visibility and notoriety, as long as it makes you happy participating in it, I’m here for it and extremely grateful for your sharing it with us.

[ajoblotofjunk]

Next set of Jaime/Brienne recs for you. Ten more, mostly show AUs with some book canon and modern AU as well. I ended up with some repeat author recs in this one by chance; I guess it was just how I was going through fic selection at the time! (As always, if an author is here on tumblr that I didn’ @, please tell me so I can update!)

silence is golden by nubbins_for_all

This is an EXTREMELY hot show canon post-8x03 fic where Jaime and Brienne end up trapped in a room together while Dany and a few of her advisors are in the next room over. Jaime sees an opportunity and Brienne doesn’t turn him down. I’ve read this fic SEVERAL times and it is just as good every time. Honestly one of my favorite parts of this fic is the sparring at the beginning, not to mention the sweetness at the end. Top notch stuff.

And Counting by nubbins_for_all

This starts from the show’s The Bang That Was Promised (TBTWP) and takes Jaime and Brienne down a different path in Winterfell as they discover themselves, each other, and eventually their life together. There’s a lot of smut and fluff, there’s also some angst, and due to Feelings I cried through basically all of chapter 8. The framework of how each chapter is a different amount of time that has passed from TBTWP is used marvelously, and when I think about this fic it leaves me with such a viscerally warm feeling. The ending is perfection. (But seriously I cried so much at ch 8, which may just be a me reaction and also I was up way too late inhaling this story so I had so many emotions already.)

dance with me and shake your bones by @samirant​

This is a sequel to angel-deux’s high school soulmark AU, an After which complements and expands on a-d’s original story in such a stunningly fun way. It’s got sam’s telltale hallmarks of perfectly handled feelings and humor and is honestly still a good read even if you didn’t read the original. Although you should, because they’re both great.

Waiting Room by turtlebook

This is a modern AU one shot where Jaime and Brienne meet in a plastic surgeon’s office after having been prisoners of war together. It’s only 3k but makes an incredible emotional wallop. There is a lot of history only hinted at here, and a future you can extrapolate for yourself. A perfectly constructed slice of their relationship at a critical moment.

a rope in hand for your other man by @djeli-beybi​

This is a book canon fic that is HYLE POV so going in it already has two amazing things going for it (outsider POV of the OTP and also Hyle). It’s set post-Lady Stoneheart and I love EVERYBODY in this story they’re all so perfectly them but also more. THIS FIC IS GREAT. And not that long so you should definitely go read it and enjoy yourself.

little talks by @robotsdance​

This is a show canon AU one-shot set in season 8 where Brienne saves Jaime from being burned alive by Dany’s dragon, and then she refuses to talk to him afterward. Robotsdance’s fics have some of the most kinetic, interesting energy of anyone in the fandom and they wield it to great effect as usual here. The Jaime POV in this is *chef’s kiss* and it ends in a surprisingly fun and upbeat way.

Traveling Far by @astolat​

This is a show canon fic that diverges from early season 3. They’re on the road together and run into Sandor and Arya and everything goes well off track from there. The slow building of Jaime and Brienne’s relationship, the introduction of each Stark sister, their lives together in the end - it’s a wonderfully gripping, often funny tapestry being slowly woven before your eyes.

Pretty by astolat

Another show canon fic that diverges from a different point in season 3. I’m not sure how to sum up this fic except to say: Jaime and Brienne get married in King’s Landing and it’s everything Jaime has ever wanted. There’s intrigue and political maneuvering and some great smut and Jaime being very Jaime. it also, surprisingly, handles Cersei in an unexpectedly lovely way by the end (though she is also very Cersei for much of it). MVP of this fic is probably Tyrion though, who astolat is incredibly good at writing at his wittiest.

The Red Fork by astolat

This is a show canon fic that goes AU from s6 during the siege of Riverrun. This is one of those fics I love so much I don’t know how to properly express it. it’s about Brienne and Jaime and honor and is one of the most ethically gorgeous JB fics I’ve read, one that presents Brienne’s moral compass as a shining beacon and an active choice she makes every minute of every day.

though our paths diverge (I travel with you) by robotsdance

I have this show canon AU listed as “the body swap fic” and that is both absolutely what it is and entirely incomplete as a descriptor. This is a body swap fic that uses the trope in an incredibly different and interesting way, and the author deals realistically with the physical and emotional challenges and fallout as well. It’s an incredible fic - smart, so well-written, deeply emotional. When they come together at the end you feel the full weight of it. The last line is excellent, too. Robotsdance is so good at endings, I’m in awe.

[loganscanons]

Unfinished Business - ch. 1, pt. 1

Summary: Makani begins her quest to pay some debts and favors, beginning by visiting a former friend.

Chapters: Next

A small bell jingles above Makani as she pushes open the door to the deli, and she’s greeted with spiced, refrigerated air. The shop is small and chilled, with a deli display on the left, and the register counter to her right. At the register, a man of average height emphatically talks to a customer, his expressive hands punctuating each word. He’s handsome, middle-aged, his dark hair striped with streaks of gray. Stubble darkens his cheeks and the sharp angles of his jaw. His mustache is thick and perfectly groomed, and his blue eyes are bright and clear. When the tinkling bell announce Makani’s entrance, the man’s attention is pulled to the door, and though she’s three meters away, she can see his eyes light up. He turns back to the customer in front of him, hands the man a packed paper bag, then wishes him a good day in two languages. Makani steps to the side to let the customer pass her, the bell tinkling again as he leaves.

“Ah, Makani!” the cashier says, a smile taking up most of his face.

He walks around the counter, spreading his arms wide. Makani allows him to grip her shoulders and kiss each cheek. He smells of aftershave, and his stubble is rough against her skin.

“Ioannis,” she says. “It’s good to see you.”

“It has been too long, Makani!” Ioannis says. The man is a walking exclamation point, with each sentence he speaks full of passion. “I thought maybe you have forgot us.”

“Impossible,” Makani says. She gives him a friendly smile and looks at him through dark eyelashes.

“You must come upstairs,” he says. His blue eyes are wide, and his smile reaches from ear to ear. “Ismena love to see you.”

“I really shouldn’t,” she says deferentially. “I have a list of errands to run today.” While that’s not untrue and she does have plenty of errands to run, that’s not why she declines the offer. She knows Ioannis expects her to politely decline at least once before accepting.

“Ah, but you must! I insist,” Ioannis says.

“Are you sure it won’t be too much trouble? I don’t want to bother Ismena or Eleni,” she says.

In truth, Makani doesn’t care whether or not an unexpected visit is a bother. Other people’s time has little importance to her. But her relationship with the Karagiannis family is one she wishes to maintain, and that means pretending like she cares and following social conventions.

“No, no,” he says. “No trouble! You are always welcome.” He pats her shoulder affectionately, then raises his voice to the young man standing behind the deli display, where the sandwiches and meats of the day’s menu sit behind a pane of glass. He says something in Greek, and the young man nods.

“Come, Ismena is home. Eleni will be home soon. They love to see you,” he says.

“You flatter me, Ioannis,” she says. Ioannis begins to direct her to the door at the back of the store, but before he can take more than three steps, she interrupts and says, “But first, I’d like to buy a few things.”

“Ah, of course, of course!” he says. He puts his hand on her upper arm, and his tone and expression turn comically serious, “What do you need? Anything for you.”

“A lot of lamb,” she says. “Oh, and do you have any goat meat?”

“Goat meat? No,” he says. His tone is despondent, as if he’s committed the greatest offense by not having what she wants. “No goat meat.” Then, his eyes light up again, “I know a place has goat meat. I can special order for you!”

“No, that’s alright,” she says, giving him the warmest smile that she can muster. “Thank you, though.”

“But lamb! We have lamb. How much lamb?” he asks.

“How much do you have? I was hoping for fifty to sixty pounds, if possible.”

Ioannis’s eyes widen, his brows jumping up his forehead, and he says, “That is a lot of lamb! Normally, we do not sell so much to one person without special order. But anything for you, Makani! You have a party?”

“Yes,” she says. The lie slides off her tongue with ease. “My friend is hosting an event and her caterer backed out last minute. I told her I might be able to get a large order of lamb for her.”

“Ah, too bad, too bad,” Ioannis says. His dark brows lower, shadowing his eyes as he shakes his head. “Do you need help cooking all the lamb? I am sure Ismena and Eleni be happy to help.”

“No,” she says with a smile. “Fortunately, she has a few chef friends who are willing to help out. I appreciate the offer, though, Ioannis.”

Ioannis beams, “Of course! Anything for the lovely Makani. Come, you can say hello to Ismena while I get your order ready. Come, come.”

Again, he directs her to the back of the store, and this time she follows without interruption. Past the register and deli display, the remaining two-thirds of the store is packed with Greek and Mediterranean snacks, spices, sauces, and breads. One wall is taken up by freezers packed with plastic-wrapped meat. They pass the shelves and freezers, through a black door tucked in the corner. The door leads to a storage area with several more doors. Makani has been back here several times, when Ismena still looked at her with affection, and she knows without Ioannis’s directions to pass through a door on their left, which leads to a small hallway with a narrow staircase on the left and a door leading outside on the right. She follows him up the stairs to a landing with a single apartment door.

As he unlocks the door, he calls out, “Ismena, we have a visitor!”

The apartment door opens to a dining area, where a young woman sits at a wooden kitchen table, painted white. The space is cramped, the table less than a meter away from the door. Beyond the table is the kitchen, with light brown countertops and chestnut cabinets. The walls are lined with utensils and appliances that don’t fit in the cabinets. Makani knows the cabinets are packed to the brim with spices, food, and dishware.

The young woman at the table sits with a notebook in front of her, a black pen in her hand. As the door swings open, she looks up and her eyes alight on Ioannis and Makani standing in the threshold. She has the same clear blue eyes as her father, with thick dark lashes and strong, expressive brows. Her face is softer, rounder than Ioannis’s, though not as warm and inviting. Where Ioannis’s features invite friendly conversation, hers are closed off and critical. There’s something about her penetrative gaze and the sharp curves of her lips that suggests she knows things she shouldn’t. That she sees right through you. That she’s up to something.

She gives a sharp smile and says, “Makani, what a pleasant surprise.” Her voice is rich and warm, but there’s a sardonic lilt. Her father doesn’t notice.

“Ismena,” Makani says, matching her tone. Polite, but with a touch of mockery. “It’s been a while.”

Ismena quirks an eyebrow, her smile unwavering, and Makani knows what she’s thinking. Not long enough.

Playing the role of a good hostess, she stands. As she rounds the table, her white cotton maxi dress flutters against her ankles, and she holds her arms out, making the bracelets on her wrist jangle against each other. Makani walks into the hug, keeping her touch light and formal. There’s no warmth in the hug from Ismena. Both women are acting for the sake of the man in the doorway.

Ioannis is beaming. “I will let you two girls talk,” he says. “Your order will soon be ready, Makani.” He says something in Greek to his daughter, then chirps to both of them, “Have fun!”

Ismena’s closed, angled smile doesn’t drop as her father closes the door behind him. His soft footfalls fade down the stairs.

“What are you doing here?” she asks. She’s curious and wary, but not unkind.  

“I need a lot of lamb meat on short notice,” Makani answers. As Ismena returns to her chair, Makani pulls out one of the white wooden kitchen chairs and settles on the yellow cushion and rests her arms on the table.

“Ah, yes, Dad said you were helping out with a party.” Ismena asks, “Do you want anything? Water? Tea? I’m going to make myself a cup of tea.”

“Sure, I’ll have some tea,” Makani says.

Behind Ismena, the stove clicks on, blue fire igniting beneath a yellow tea kettle. She leans back in the chair and crosses her arms over her chest. Her gaze is piercing, scrutinizing. Makani has never felt afraid the way most people do, but even she can understand why Ismena’s gaze would make people squirm. Ismena looks at the world like she already knows it’s darkest secrets, like she’s already passed judgment and decided the world is guilty.

“So, why do you really need a lot of lamb meat on short notice?” she asks, arching a dark brow.

“A party,” Makani says, a smile sliding over her lips. Ismena won’t believe her. She’s not as clueless as he father.

“Uh-huh,” Ismena says. She leans forward and rests her arms on the table, still crossed. “But, what’s the real reason?”

“I need some information,” she answers. “There’s a troll near the city that will exchange information for meat or valuables. She prefers goat meat, but that’s a little harder to come by than lamb,”  

“A troll?” Ismena repeats.

Makani nods.

Her tone is neither angry nor reprimanding when she comments, “Dad wouldn’t be happy to know you’re giving quality lamb meat to a troll.”

Though her experience with the magical creatures of Chicago is limited, Ismena isn’t surprised that a troll lives nearby, nor is she surprised that Makani knows where to find them. Even before she knew that magic was as real and pervasive as the concrete sidewalks of the city, Chicago had been a hotbed of fantastical activity and creatures that she’d never expected to find outside of books. Becoming a witch hadn’t compelled her to acquaint herself with the creatures she’d once thought to be mythical, but she knows they’re there. She prefers to stay out of business that isn’t hers, but Makani has never been so courteous.

“That’s why I didn’t tell him,” Makani says, and they both know Ismena won’t tell him either.

The feelings between them are messy and complicated, especially on Ismena’s end. She’s made one thing clear: there’s no room for friendship anymore. Their relationship is one of mutual respect, but not closeness. The embers of their friendship have long gone out. Despite that, Makani trusts her more than she trusts most. Their relationship began with Ismena putting her trust in Makani, and though Ismena’s since learned better, Makani still trusts her.

[lesbeet]

not to be a nerd but i accidentally just wrote a whole impromptu essay about editing ndjsdksksk im throwing it under a cut bc it's fucking inane and really long but honestly... i just want other people to become as passionate about editing as i am lmaooooo

i also recommend 2 books in the post so if anything at least check those out!

quality books about editing... *chef's kiss* a lot of the basic ones (including blog posts online n such) are geared towards beginners and end up repeating the same info/advice, much of it either oversimplified or misrepresented tbh. but i read one yesterday and i'm reading another one right now that really convey this passion for editing + consideration for it as its own sort of art and i just!!

it's such a weird thing to be passionate about lmao but i AM and i've spent a lot of time the past year or so consciously honing my craft (ik i mention this like 4 times a week i'm just really proud of how much i've learned and improved) and kind of like. solidifying my instincts into conscious choices i guess?

and these GOOD editing books have both a) taught me new information and/or presented familiar information through a new perspective that helped me understand something differently or in more depth, and b) validated or even just put into words certain preferences or techniques that i've developed on my own, that i don't normally see on those more basic lists i mentioned

btw the book i finished yesterday is self-editing for fiction writers: how to edit yourself into print by renni brown and dave king, and the one i'm reading currently is the artful edit: on the practice of editing yourself by susan bell.

the former was pretty sharp and straightforward. the authors demonstrated some of their points directly in the text, which was usually funny enough that i would show certain quotes to my sister without context

("Just think about how much power a single obscenity can have if it’s the only one in the whole fucking book." <- (it was)

"Frequent italics have come to signal weak writing. So you should never resort to them unless they are the only practical choice, as with the kind of self-conscious internal dialogue shown above or an occasional emphasis."

or, my favorite: "There are a few stylistic devices that are so “tacky” they should be used very sparingly, if at all. First on the list is emphasis quotes, as in the quotes around the word “tacky” in the preceding sentence. The only time you need to use them is to show you are referring to the word itself, as in the quotes around the word “tacky” in the preceding sentence. Read it again; it all makes sense.")

and like i said, i also learned some new ideas or techniques (or they articulated vague ideas i already had but struggled to put into practice), AND they mentioned some suggestions that ive literally never seen anyone else bring up (not to say no one has! just that ive never seen it, and ive seen a lot in terms of writing tips, advice, best practices, etc) that ive already sort of established in my own writing

for example they went into pretty fine detail about dialogue mechanics, more than i usually see, and in talking about the pacing and proportion of "beats" and dialogue in a given scene, they explicitly suggested that, if a character speaks more than a sentence or two and you plan on giving them some sort of dialogue tag or an action to perform as a beat, the tag or action should be placed at one of the earliest (if not the first) natural pauses in the dialogue, so as not to distance the character too far from the dialogue -- bc otherwise the reader ends up getting all of the dialogue information first, and then has to go back and retroactively insert the character, or what they're doing, or the way they look/sound while they're giving their little speech

and like this was something ive figured out on my own, mostly bc it jarred me out of something i was reading enough times (probably in fic tbh) that i started noticing it, and realized that it's something i do naturally, kind of to anchor the character to the dialogue mechanic to make sure it makes sense with the actual dialogue

so like. ok here's an example i just randomly pulled from the song of achilles (it was available on scribd so i just looked for a spot that worked to illustrate my point djsmsks)

the actual quote is written effectively, but here's a less effective version first:

“Perhaps I would, but I see no reason to kill him. He’s done nothing to me," Achilles answered coolly.

see and even with such a short snippet it's so much smoother and more vivid just by moving the dialogue tag, not adding or cutting a word:

“Perhaps I would, but I see no reason to kill him.” Achilles answered coolly. “He’s done nothing to me.”

the rhythm of it is better, and the beat that the dialogue tag creates functions as a natural dramatic pause before achilles delivers an incredibly poignant line, both within the immediate context of the scene and because we as the readers can recognize it as foreshadowing. plus, it flows smoothly because that beat was inserted where the dialogue already contained a natural pause, just bc that's how people speak. if you read both versions aloud, they both make sense, but the second version (the original used in the novel) accounts for the rhythm of dialogue, the way people tend to process information as they read, AND the greater context of the story, and as a result packs significantly more purpose, information, and effect into the same exact set of words

and THAT, folks, is the kind of editing minutia i can literally sit and hyperfocus on for hours without noticing. anyway it's a good book lmao

the one i'm reading now is a lot more about the cognitive process/es of editing, so there's less concrete and specific advice (so far, anyway) and more discussion about different mental approaches to editing, as well as tips and tools for making a firm distinction between your writer brain and your editor brain, which is something i struggle with

but there have been so many good quotes that ive highlighted! a lot of just like. reminders and things to think about, and also just lovely articulations of things id thought of or come to understand in much more vague ways.

scribd won't let me copy/paste this one bc it's a document copy and not an actual ebook, but this passage is talking about how the simple act of showing a piece of writing to someone else for the very first time can spark a sudden shift in perspective on the work, bc you'll (or at least i) frantically try to re-read it through their eyes and end up noticing a bunch of new errors -

or she talked about the perils of constant re-reading in the middle of writing a draft, which is something i struggle with a LOT, both bc i'm a perfectionist and bc i prefer editing to writing so i sit and edit when i'm procrastinating doing the actual hard work of writing lmao

it's just this side of fake deep tbh but i so rarely see editing discussed like this--as a mixture of art and science, a collaboration between instinct and technique, that really requires "both sides of the brain" to be done well.

and because of the way my own brain works, activities that require such a balanced concentration of creativity and logic really appeal to me. even though ive seen a lot of people (even professional writers) who frame it as the creative art of writing vs the logical discipline of editing. but i think that's such a misleading way of thinking about it, because writing and editing both require creativity and logic -- just different kinds! (not to mention that the line between writing and editing, while mostly clear, can get a little blurry from up close)

but like...all stories have an inner logic to them, even if the writer hasn't explicitly or consciously planned it, and even if the logic is faulty in places in the first couple of drafts. when you're sitting and daydreaming about your story, especially if you're trying to figure out how to bridge the gap between two points or scenes (or, how to write a sequence of events that presents as a logical, inevitable progression of cause and effect), the voice in your head that evaluates an idea and decides to 1) go with it, 2) scrap it, 3) tweak it until it works, or 4) hold onto it in case you want it later? that's your logic! if an idea feels wrong, or like it just doesn't work, it's probably because some part of you is detecting a conflict between some part of the idea and the overall logic of your story. every decision you make as you write is formed by and checked against your own experiential logic, and also by the internal logic of your story, which is far less developed (or at least, one would hope), and therefore more prone to the occasional laspe

but while ive seen a number of articles that discuss the logic of writing, i don't see people gushing as much about the art of editing and it's such a shame

the inner editor is so often characterized as the responsible parent to the writer's carefree child, or a relentless critic of the writer's unselfconscious, unpolished drivel

and it's like... maybe you just hate thinking critically about your work! maybe you view it that way because you're imposing external standards too fiercely onto your writing, and it's sucked the joy out of shaping and sculpting your words until they sing. maybe you prefer to conceive of your writing as divine communication, the process of which must remain unencumbered by lessons learned through experience or the vulnerability of self-reflection, until the buzzkill inner editor shows up with all those "rules" and "conventions" that only matter if you're trying to get published

and like obviously the market doesn't dictate which conventions are worth following, but the majority of widely-agreed-upon writing standards, especially those aimed at beginners, (and most especially those regarding style, as opposed to story structure) have to do with the effectiveness and efficiency of prose, and, in addition to often serving as a shorthand for distinguishing an amateur from a pro, overall help to increase poignancy and clarity, which is crucial no matter the genre or type of writing. and even if you personally believe otherwise, it's better to understand the conventions so you can break them with real purpose.

so editing shouldn't be about trying to shove your pristine artistic masterpiece into a conventional mold, it should be about using the creative instincts of your ear and your logic and experience-based understanding of writing as a craft to hone your words until you've told your story as effectively as possible

thank u for coming to my ted talk ✌️

[uzuuzuking]

so this started out as just a general post about why i like cinderella adaptations, but slowly spiraled into a ranking/review of all the cinderella adaptations i’ve seen in my short, young life. so strap in for possibly the longest post i’ve ever made on this blog. (look, i never know how much i have to say about something until i really get going lmao)

idk why i like cinderella adaptations/remakes/spinoffs so much? most of them are garbage (especially the ones within the last 10 years don’t @ me) but fuck it i like this brand of garbage. it’s fun to watch these movies and rework the bad plotlines and dialogue in my head as i go along.

i guess i like the source material and some of the aspects of all the different adaptations, but honestly i just like re-imagining them because there’s only so much cringey script-written-for-teens-but-clearly-written-by-40-year-old-adults-who-have-no-idea-how-teens-or-even-people-for-that-matter-actually-talk-and-interact i can take in one excruciating sitting.

anyway here’s my personal ranking of all the cinderella adaptations i’ve seen that no one asked for. (not including stage productions because i haven’t seen any and have no opinion of them. also not including into the woods because that’s not just cinderella, but a spectacular amalgamation of fairytale mishap and shenanigan.) and reviews because apparently i had more to say than i originally thought when i first started constructing this list:

cinderella (1997) - the absolute best cinderella adaptation of all time, hands down, this is non-negotiable. this movie has it all: an excellent and diverse cast, gorgeous costume design, beautiful sets, some of the most dazzling dance numbers i ever witnessed when i first watched it at the wee age of 4, and a positive, progressive message that was accurate for its time yet also so ahead of its time. i cannot praise this version of cinderella enough, it is my all time favorite and one of my top 3 feel-good movies. if you watched it today, the effects might not be as magical compared to what we have now, but keep in mind it was released in 1997. anyway, the cast is truly amazing and so effortlessly inclusive (and honestly the fact that the prince was asian with a black mother and white father and they literally never addressed it was such a power move). i could go on about this movie forever (i’ll probably make a whole post dedicated to it in the future) and what it meant to me and many others as young, impressionable poc. in conclusion, this movie set an exceedingly high standard for me and destroyed the chances of any other cinderella adaptation even hoping to live up to that. i love it! so! much!

ever after: a cinderella story (1998) - tbh i never saw this until i was in college but i immediately fell in love. i love the flow of the story as a whole - i never felt like anything was missing. i love the costumes and i especially love how danielle and henry’s relationship progressed throughout the film. slow-burn comes to mind when i watch their interactions and we all love a sweet, sweet slow-burn. it’s romance babes! it’s Dramatic in a few scenes and all i can say is that it really works because drew barrymore’s performance is exceptional, fantastic, engaging, more adjectives to describe how enthralled by her i was. above all, her character is compassionate - she uses her voice to speak in support for those who are suppressed by the flawed government systems and law enforcers, and influences the prince to use his status and power to better his people who lack the privileges of the nobility. she’s such a strong female lead (emotionally and physically - she literally fireman carries her love interest, who is taller than her and definitely exceeds her own bodyweight) and truly the mvp of this adaptation. watch it. watch it for Her.

enchanted (2007) - amy adams and idina menzel - ‘nuff said. okay but for real this one is so unique with its transition from classic d*sney 2D animation style to the real three-dimensional world and i adore it to the ends of the earth. the music? slaps! the story? slaps! the development of the main character? slaps!! she’s so princess-y and d*sney cartoon-y and struggles in the real world, but she adapts at a good pace and i love that she learns to be realistic while also keeping hope and love close to her heart. also her mother figure / daughter figure bond with morgan is so so precious. the only constructive criticism i have for this movie is the fact that we were robbed of idina menzel singing!!! did they know all along she was destined to play the frozen queen years in the future and decided against her singing in this one?? is that it? ridiculous. it’s been over a decade and i’m still seething over this. other than that this movie is *chef’s kiss*

ella enchanted (2004) - anne hathaway’s back must still be hurting from carrying this film. (no shade to the other cast members, they’re good, but anne is a queen and i forever love her.) this is another childhood favorite of mine. the story itself is a refreshing take - hats off to gail carson levine for the source material! i’ve talked about the differences between the movie and book before in the midst of my reread of the book a few months ago, but i don’t remember how much i focused on the movie. it’s so different from the book that it might as well be its own thing. on its own, the movie is pretty decent! again, mostly because of anne. it’s funny, it’s sad (especially that scene towards the beginning between ella and areida, i’m in stupid tears every time), and it gets weird but it’s a fun time. the chemistry between char and ella is so zesty i can feel it through the screen, i swoon over both of them. tbh i probably wouldn’t like this movie so much if not for the fact that anne hathaway is truly talented and i spend most of my time watching it just looking at her. 

cinderella 3: a twist in time (2007) - i genuinely enjoyed and appreciated how the characters were written in this one. they all had clear motives and became much more dynamic through their lines and actions (drizella is arguably the most static character here but she still amuses me so it’s fine i guess). cinderella has more agency since the stakes are higher. prince charming actually has a gotdamn personality and has some of the funniest scenes and dialogue. good for him. i was kind of sad that anastasia’s story with the sweet baker boy was thanos snapped by the stepmother, but she and baker boy get a cute credits illustration together so it’s still canon! maybe i’m more biased on this one because i grew up rewatching it A Lot, but i definitely prefer it to the first and second movies.

cinderella (2000) - this one is kind of weird but i like it? the film has a really interesting vibe that i’m still trying to figure out how to describe even after seeing it like 5 times. wikipedia refers to the aesthetic style as “the glamour of the 1950s” which just might be as close as we can get. it follows the general guidelines of the cinderella plot, but the main differences were: zezolla (cinderella) was already helping with the chores before her father remarried, claudette (stepmother) was actively trying to murder zezolla’s father during their marriage, the stepsisters were much more violent and crass (they hunted zezolla’s beloved farm animals for sport and talked about getting “a man in [their] bed”), zezolla’s father was manipulated by everything claudette did and said and treated his own daughter poorly as a result, and prince valiant is honestly kind of a douchebag but seems willing to improve himself after meeting zezolla (basically his vibes are iffy but he’s willing to learn). this whole movie is pretty niche and i have yet to interact with someone who’s also seen it. and the only reason i’ve seen it so many times is because i just like listening to how the dialogue is delivered. (except for prince valiant’s random song at the ball, i kind of hated that and i skip through it every time lol).

a cinderella story (2004) - the classic hilary duff version. very cliche early 2000s high school romance, but it works for the cinderella narrative. not particularly diverse. a classic nonetheless. in my mind this is the pinnacle of the “modern cinderella movie” type. this is one of the most iconic movies for us zillennials and i’d like to think it’s known well enough for me to not go into a lot of detail about it. basically it was fresh and new for its time, had plenty of memorable scenes, and did i mention hilary duff? the film kind of plays into the “not like other girls” trope - as do a couple of the movies i listed above - but i’m just going to acknowledge that the early 2000s were Wack and simply move on. all in all, i like this movie for the nostalgia, iconic scenes, and hilary duff. also jennifer coolidge is pretty funny as the stepmother.

another cinderella story (2008) - again, an early 2000s classic, but this time with selena gomez. i liked the dancing in this one. i like selena’s quiet, somewhat timid characterization of her character, mary. and jane lynch in the stepmother role is perfection. she’s so fun to watch and is always hilarious. the story is nothing remarkable, but it’s okay and i liked it as a kid. after the hilary duff version, this one still managed to feel fresh because, though it was similar in its modern era approach, it focused more on the performing arts and dance. “cinderella” is an aspiring dancer, rather than the 2004 aspiring scholar. the “prince” is a famous popstar, not a football player. the stepmother is an outdated popstar desperate to stay Hip and Relevant with the kids, not a cranky botox lady. honestly i just love watching this one for the dancing, mary’s genuine and innocent love for the “prince”, and literally everything that comes out of jane lynch’s mouth. that woman is a dialogue gold mine.

a cinderella story: once upon a song (2011) - lucy hale is good. missi pyle is good. they play their roles and lines that they’re given fairly well. over all, it’s entertaining. lucy, of course, has them Pipes and i do like the songs in this movie. the only major downside for me was the “token best friend of color” trope. lucy’s best friend is an asian girl who’s good at sports and is there for one liners and support. the prince charming character’s best friend is a black guy who he only knew for probably a month at the most. he can beatbox, sing, and dj. basically he’s also just there as support. they really don’t do much for the plot but they’re there for diversity and whatnot. this movie is.. fine.

cinderella (1950) - the only reason this ranks so low for me is because i watched it a lot as a child when it was on vhs and it always felt like a fever dream to me. i was just really young and didn’t feel invested in any of the characters. it is a classic, though, and i would watch it again and be able to enjoy it.

cinderella 2: dreams come true (2002) - i liked cinderella’s and anastasia’s stories from this one. jaq’s was meh. it was fine.

dj cinderella or cinderella pop (2019) - netflix knows i like cinderella adaptations so, naturally, they shoved this into my recommended and, naturally, i watched it. twice. which is more than i can say for the following review... so this movie is brazillian and is pretty much the cut & mold of modern cinderella movies. but she wants to be a dj. she stars out living a perfect life as a wealthy girl with a loving family, but turns out her dad is cheating on her mom with his secretary. that’s when she “stops believing in love”. which is actually valid bc if i saw one of my parental figures cheating on the other, i honestly wouldn’t know what to believe in anymore. anyway, cíntia dorella (yes. that’s her full name.) and her mom move into her aunt’s place. a year or so passes. stepmother/secretary/cheating lady is throwing an extravagant birthday party for her daughters and hires freddy prince, a popular musician who cíntia doesn’t really like. meanwhile, cíntia gets a dj gig she’s excited for until she finds out she’s the opener for freddy prince at her stepsisters’ party. she ends up disguising herself as “dj cinderella” and freddy is super into her. it’s pretty generic from there but i was entertained enough to watch it twice. take from that what you will.

cinderella (2015) - ok so we been knew that d*sney’s live action remakes ain’t shit, and this one is no exception. d*sney within the last few years has been like 99% aesthetics and marketing. this movie was visually stunning, especially with the settings and costumes. those were the only 2 things i truly liked. everything else was forgettable. in its defense, i did read a post about the “have courage and be kind” message which is something wonderful to hold onto, especially for anyone in an abusive situation like ella. that’s valid and i respect that. i still lowkey hate this movie tho. i started getting a headache about 4 reviews ago, but remembering how much praise this movie got has reignited my fighting spirit. honestly if you like it, that’s good, you like what you like and that’s that. but this is my review and i hated how proper ella’s posture was (she’s been doing physical labor hunched on the floor for years now, how does she not slump around in exhaustion at the end of the day??), i hated how perfectly curated the whole thing was (again, that’s mostly because of d*sney and their aesthetics), and i hated how hollow everything felt. i can’t perfectly describe it, but i never felt emotionally invested in any of the characters. something about their performance was lacking and yet again i blame d*sney. i actually really like lily james, but something about the way she was directed left me devoid of emotional attachment to ella. i remember nothing about ella’s step family or the prince. that’s how much of an impact this adaptation had on me. also i just remembered the fairy godmother as i type this. i ADORE helena bonham carter, but this movie does a horrible disservice to her. if she liked working on this movie, then i’m happy for her, but even she wasn’t strong enough to sell this to me. i saw this movie in theaters and came out of it lamenting my waste of money that i could have spent on something i would have actually enjoyed. but the thing that enraged me the most, the thing i despised, i detested, the thing i seethed over and rant about to this day was the ONE (1) token black character. i don’t even know if he had a name but he was captain of the guard or some shit. if i remember correctly (but probably not tbh this movie was so forgettable), he was the one who heard ella singing and was the whole reason the prince was able to have her try on the glass slipper. this man, who had zero character development, zero relevance to the plot, an insignificant amount of screen time, is suddenly the reason the main character is able to finally connect with her love interest. um. What. i hate how the writers treated him and i will forever be filled with every last grain of salt over this. anyway he’s my favorite character and everyone else is just eh. to conclude this ungodly long review, i don’t like this movie. i tried to watch it again once but got so bored i quit 10 minutes in. do yourself a favor and watch cinderella (1997) instead. (the only reason this movie is ranked above the remaining 5 is the production quality. but i guess that’s unfair bc d*sney has the big bucks. and maybe i wouldn’t be so harsh if i weren’t sleep deprived and grumpy from a sugar-induced headache, but these feelings still come from my Chest so idk.)

a cinderella story: a christmas wish (2019) - i think we all secretly enjoy christmas-themed movies and this has got to be someone’s guilty pleasure. i was mildly entertained (but again with the cringey dialogue written by people clearly not in high school...) and i do like laura marano. but they autotuned her to hell and back - which i loathed - because the woman can actually sing and she has a lovely voice. she got to sing candidly one (1) time and i relished the experience. my ears thank her beautiful, un-autotuned voice. other than that it was.. fine. i didn’t hate it but i didn’t like it either. laura marano deserves better than this. (can’t say the same for the other actors tho because their roles were unmemorable.) also laura marano was super cute in her elf costume!

not cinderella’s type (2018) - i legit forgot about this one until after i compiled the entire list lol. i saw it on youtube and it was decent as far as i remember. it’s another modern day cinderella. i think the “prince” runs over “cinderella’s” cat or something?? i’m pretty sure it was her mom’s cat so now she has nothing left to remember her mom by. prince boy feels awful and tries to befriend her or do something to make it up to her, but she just doesn’t really like him. i think her aunt and uncle are emotionally abusive to her and prince boy does his best to be there for her without making things worse. if i remember correctly, i liked that aspect of the movie because it’s hard to be there for a victim of any kind of abuse if trying to help them could potentially hurt them more, especially minors still under the care of abusive guardians. anyway i think cinderella girl’s best friend is in love with her or something but she ends up not being into him and slowly gets together with prince boy. she eventually moves out of her guardians’ house and into the spare house at prince boy’s home (he’s rich or something). i need to rewatch this movie tbh i could be wrong about everything here lol.

rags (2012) - not amazing, definitely not memorable because i have nothing to say about its plot or writing, but it has keke palmer which is its one redeeming quality. also it’s the only one on this list where the male protagonist is the cinderella. so that’s solid i guess.

a cinderella story: if the shoe fits (2016) - this was a movie. it happened. i vaguely remember how ridiculous it was and sometimes i felt secondhand embarrassment. i don’t remember what about specifically, but i remember the emotion. sofia carson is a talented singer. i think she’s a decent actor but this script was Bad.

elle: a modern cinderella tale (2010) - i only watched this one because i was bored out of my damn mind and saw it on youtube. i felt bad for all the actors because this script was terrible. i don’t recommend this unless you’re about to sit down with your squad and make fun of it.

apparently descendants is on the “cinderella adaptations and references” list on imdb but i refuse to put it on my list because it’s not a cinderella-specific adaptation and i don’t like the descendants franchise. now, if we’re going to discuss a quality series about the children of fairytale characters, that would hands down be ever after high. but that’s a different topic for a different day.

thus concludes the ranking no one asked for but i felt compelled to make. thank you and goodnight

[bookgeekgrrl]

Sunday reading recap (1-Nov-2020)

i cannot express how grateful i am to past me for taking this entire week as vacation

THINGS I WATCHED - not as much as I expected, to be honest!

Disgusting Car Detailing Makeover: Junk Yard Find Jurassic Park Transformation (AMMO NYC) - it’s just really satisfying to see something so filthy get cleaned!

The Strangest Disappearances In The Bermuda Triangle (BuzzFeed Unsolved)

Avatar:The Last Airbender Ep 1-4

How To Be At Home (2020) (Tanya Davis & Andrea Dorfman) - great animation of a great poem

all of Infinity Song’s videos (OK mostly I listened to these but still)

THE READING - i made the conscious decision to reread a number of comfort series starting on Tuesday and, again, excellent decision by past me

💜👂 Tales from the Folly: A Rivers of London Short Story Collection (Rivers of London #1.5, 1.6, 4.6, 5.65, 6.5) (Ben Aaronovitch (author); Kobna Holdbrook-Smith (Narrator); Alex Kingston (Narrator); Sam Peter-Jackson (Narrator)) - one of the things i love the most about the short stories & novellas is the expanded POVs for this universe, which i love more and more. all the narrators were excellent but KHS is, as usual, the standout. i liked that they had BA read the intros/explanations that come with each story.

👂 Homicide Trinity (Nero Wolfe #36)(Rex Stout)

💜💜 Scents and Sensibility: The Working Assassin's Guide to Supersoldier Seduction (galwednesday, silentwalrus, skellerbvvt) - Stucky, 93K - forever fave clownfish AU

💜💜 Infinite Coffee & Protection Detail (owlet) - Stucky, 260K - forever fave post-WS recovery fic

💜💜 4 Minute Window series (Speranza) - Stucky, 129K - forever fave post-WS escape & retirement fic featuring Coney Island Design & Construction

plus 178K of shorter fic so shorter work shout out  💜💜💜

The Very Dumb Academics AU series (sixthlight) - TOG, 13K - I super love this AU! I'm highlighting a few of my fave lines that made me laugh a LOT.

“Fuck you,” Joe said, just to remind them both what they were doing here, and jerked himself off kneeling in a storage closet with his head leaning on Nicky diGenova’s thigh and Nicky petting his hair. It was the hottest thing that had happened to him since the last time in a storage closet. He’d given up counting where it fell on the list of stupid things he’d done in his life. He had a horrible feeling the list was going to get unmanageably long.

“Cool, cool, cool,” Nile said, and said goodbye. She did not sound like someone who thought everything was cool.

“I’m sorry I criticized your towel storage decisions,” Joe said, and waited a beat. “In front of someone else.”

“I’m not going to give you a dissertation on the importance of marriage, because I have a class in ten minutes and also I wrote it up five years ago and published it and you know how to use JSTOR,” Nicky said.

“Look,” Joe says. “We’re all academics. I acquired new evidence and changed my position to be consistent with it. That’s all.” “What new evidence?” “I’m really good at sucking cock in storage closets,” Nicky says, folding his arms with a casual shrug. “Also, I can cook.” “See?” Joe says. “Husband material.”

The First Rule of Book Club (Deisderium) - Stucky, 28K - I’ve raved about this before but it’s a post-WS canon-divergent where Bucky settles in a small town & joins the local book club - the outsider POV for these is *chef’s kiss*

Extra Whip (Door) - Sterek, 3K - another amazing ‘outsider POV’ fic, a flipping classic

I'd Promise You a Heart (emj1s) - Stucky, 21K - so many things i love in this fic: shrunkyclunks, everyday magical AU!, witch Bucky, Alpine the cat, gender noncomformity

[missfaber]

author interview

I was tagged by @orangeflavoryawp, thank you so much! 

I already know I’m going to enjoy this way too much, writing is such a lonely endeavor and I just love talking about it, sooo... I apologize in advance for rambling. 

name: Madeline/Maddie 

fandoms: this is complicated because there’s fandoms I very much consider myself a part of because they’re just a huge part of my life, even though I don’t contribute content to them, and then there’s fandoms I do create content for. So idk where the line is drawn! 

fandoms I contribute/ have contributed to: Avatar the Last Airbender, Game of Thrones, Merlin BBC, Once Upon a Time, Legend of Korra

fandoms I haven’t contributed to but are so dear to me: Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings (my two favorite things ironically lol), and lots more 

where you post: AO3, used to be ff.net and livejournal too

most popular one shot: by kudos, it’s as if death itself was undone (zutara, atla: katara wakes up to azula in their house and wants to find out a) why she is welcome b) why zuko is acting so weird) 

most popular multichapter: by kudos, it’s soldier, go bravely on (jonsa + gendrya, got, complete, rewrite of the last episode of got with sweetness and angst and action, and may i say some common sense?)

favorite story you wrote: fuck omg this is difficult lol! because I both criticize and love all my stories in equal measure, I honestly don’t write anything that i don’t love, that doesn’t give me butterflies / actual chest pain (from angst). I feel like I’m being asked to choose a favorite child lol. so I’ll try to justify these picks somehow... 

closest to my heart: soldier, go bravely on (also mentioned above). this is the fic that brought me back to writing fic, and to tumblr even! I was on hiatus (that I didn’t know was a hiatus because I had no intention of coming back) for six years before writing this fic. I wrote it so quickly after the got finale, it was such a passionate and fevered few days and it just sucked me back in to everything I used to love as a teenager. It was also a nice stretch out of my comfort zone, because of the dialogue (which was so tightly planned it’s ridiculous, I wrote the whole fic as a screenplay type thing first to make sure there wasn’t a single dialogue word not needed) and tv-episode style. It’s also such a wish-fulfillment fic that I can’t read certain parts without getting a bit teary. for all those reasons and more, this fic will always be so special to me. 

most proud of: wolf, circle north (jonsa, got, alternate season 7 & 8). this is the longest fic I’ve ever attempted and the number I’ve hours I’ve sunk into it is astounding and i should be ashamed.  It’s going to be obscenely long (my outline is 70+ chapters) and when I pull it off, best believe it’s going into a bound book so I can look at how thicc it is and be like, “I did that!” lol. The range of POVs is one of the most challenging but most rewarding part of this fic, and why I’m so proud of it. This is another wish-fulfillment fic for me, not just because it’s another fix-it fic but because I have been writing bits and pieces of this fic for about three years. I kept thinking of jonsa scenarios and little scenes I would have loved to see after season 6 and writing them in a little secret doc, just for me, as I never thought I’d write fic again. After writing “soldier” i had already broken my hiatus and I realized this fic was an actual possibility, so I put it out into the world. I couldn’t be more happy that I did that. Not only did it give me the chance to be in such an excellent, lovely fandom, but the feedback I get is so validating after having this be my secret little project for so long.  

most formative: Coffee & Cigarettes, (merthur, merlin bbc) I’m ashamed to list this and the merthurs reading this 100% want to kill me for having the audacity because it’s incomplete and hasn’t been updated since 2013 when there’s only one chapter left so what’s my excuse?  I call this the most formative for me because until I published this I didn’t really have a fic that people followed and liked, eagerly awaited updates for, and commented regularly on. I was writing a lot of one-shots and atla stuff on tumblr (I used to RP lmao I was like 15 ok?) This was the first time I experienced so many fic-life things, like being excited to get AO3 emails, etc. This was the first time I started to really focus on character which is so important to me now, my writing is completely character driven. Not to mention Merlin and Arthur’s dumbassery and sheer attraction and denial is just... *chef’s kiss* 

guiltiest pleasure: my recent foray into nedsei, who am I??? one more word and you won’t survive, just international hate sex

story you were most nervous to post: ummm idk I’m usually excited not nervous, since for me fic writing is just fun, I write things I’d enjoy reading and that I’m proud of. I read my own fics more than anyone else does, I guarantee it. am I a narcissist? who knows I guess I’ll say “soldier” again because I hadn’t posted fic in six years.

how you choose your titles: wow the hardest part of fic writing for me!!!!! thanks!!!!! lol. Okay so for my work titles, which are always terrible and I literally regret them immediately after posting, it’s usually just some words I play around with and string together that are somewhat thematic and related to the work... they’re always terrible lmao, I hate making titles. I mean, look at “soldier, go bravely on” and “wolf, circle north” for god’s sake, I hate them lmao. But I have to pick a title to post, so!!! For chapter titles and one-shots I’ll usually go with a song lyric, and especially for my chapter titles I spend so long seeking out the perfect one that reflects some thematic or emotional content of the chapter somehow. I’m very proud of my chapter titles for wolf, circle north. I have a doc on my scrivener just for chapter titles that I created in the very early stages of writing it, where I just dumped HUNDREDS of song lyrics that I thought I might use. Then by them I wrote some scenarios where they could work. here’s a screenshot:

It’s so helpful now. Sometimes posting an update will take an hour more than necessary because of me going through that doc, finding the perfect lyric. 

do you outline: OH, DO I OUTLINE... Hell Yeah, I outline. I couldn’t live without outlining. I love outlining. My outlines have outlines. I’m a planner centric, calendar centric, bullet-journal bitch so of course I love outlining. In all seriousness though: I write out of chronological order. I feel my writing is best when I write the scene I’m in the mood to write- unfortunately this scene could be ten chapters down the line from the chapter I’m gonna post next. This is the biggest reason outlining is necessary for me. If I didn’t have an outline, my story would be a non-post-able mess. 

I wasn’t kidding when I said my outlines have outlines. For wolf, circle north I have, um, a few. Character/location centric outlines where I bullet every scene that needs to happen for that plot to happen cohesively (these were all more or less completed before I even started writing the fic), then a “loose” outline that I copy everything from the other outlines into for some semblance of chronological order, then a Polished Final Outline that I write from. I know that sounds psychotic. It’s how my brain works. Some photo evidence/explanation:

And here’s a screengrab of my Final Outline, this is pretty much how it is all the way down- The POV character is italicized in the front, I talk to myself a lot in there, let myself get carried away, will sometimes write out whole segments of the scene if they come to me while outlining. Spoilers for chapters 1-3 of w,cn I guess!!!

Then, because scrivener is awesome, I get to see this outline in the corkboard view (I input every scene as a card) and so I get to see every part of my outline as a Synopsis on the right hand side of the doc where I’m writing the scene:

The POV and status tags (which are completely customizable) on the lower right are helpful too. This post is just a scrivener ad. 

complete: 9 works 

in progress: 4 works

coming soon / not yet started: I have so many fics in the works, I’m an indulgent person so if an idea comes to me I usually go with it for a time. I’ve had a very not-serious Jonsa PLL AU I’ve been writing on and off since summer. I have three different fairytale AUs (also jonsas) I’ve been working on and one time travel AU for @sunbeamsandmoonrays. I can’t say when or if any of these will see the light of day, because my priority is my WIPs and my original writing. But the most prevalent are my Halloween fics (one jonsa, one gendrya, one merthur) which I really want to be able to put out this month, but only if I meet some other goals. I’m trying to rein in my indulgent ass, ya’ll. 

do you accept prompts: no. sorry! but I do workshop ideas with friends, for example the nedsei fic happened that way by talking with @flibbertigiblet. But I don’t take writing prompts in my inbox. 

upcoming story you are most excited to write: my halloween merthur fic. it’s witchy, sassy, and I’m so excited to get back into the heads of these characters.

Tagging! @uchihabat @anniebibananie @noqueenbutthequeeninthenorth @sailorshadzter @vivilove-jonsa and any other lovely writer soul who wants to do this!

[crowleygay]

"you do realise the majority of people off of this website see the relationship as friendship right?" Nah, that does not seem to be the case anymore, not after the show, but that's not really the point or relevant to what I was saying. And... Neil also wrote the book, not just the... show, so nice try at avoiding my comment about roasting him. Seriously, you see what you do here as "criticism" and not outright hating on something he made? You sure have a lot of respect for creators ???

terry pratchett also wrote the book for one, i never said neil didnt lol. there are differences in the book and show bc of the medium they’re in

also, everyone who has watched the show who is not on “this side if the internet” thinks they’re friends. like my mum who is usually very good at picking up gay subtext didnt see anything with a/c and thats only one example. ive heard ppl complain that when they watch the show with family nobody picks up on the gay shit because there’s maybe a few tender lines of sheens part, but thats like,,, it. some news artickes have talked abt it but they’re left wing (as far as mainsteam media goes)

also wtf do you think critisism is? im not going to kiss neils fucking ass and give milquetoast feedback. hes a well acomplished author, im pretty sure he hardly cares. how is talking abt something you dont like in a show “hating on something he made” (i mean technically it is but that besides the point you could literally refer to the majority of critism like this). like we’re giving context to why we dont like certain things giving evidence to back it up.

in addition to this, two of the mods on this blog are artists and are content creators. i respect content creators, i just wont tolerate bullshit off of them. should i eat barely edible food bc i have to “respect the chef”? like any paid service (which includes tv shows and books). generally, i probably would be nicer if i thought the mistakes came from good intent but neil gaiman has done quite a few things which i dont agree with morally. he also (before the show came out) used to reply to posts we as a community didnt want him interacting with tbh (like someone making a dumb joke, and him taking it seriously) so i just generally find him annoying

ik you want to lick the boots of an author worth around £14 million who dosent give a shit abt you personally, but i suggest you pick up another hobby so you can find something else to do other than send stupid anons to a small tumblr blog

[underdarkbaking]

The Best Pie of the Forgotten Realms

Let me tell you, this is probably the hardest I’ve ever worked to come up with a recipe, and the results are… well, you’ll see. Buckle up Wafflefam, it’s a long one. I can’t promise you it will be interesting, but I CAN promise you you’ll learn a lot about edible lichen.

The journey began with collecting what we canonically know about Jarlaxle’s pie: Chris called it a “Luskan fractal helix apple pie”, and its ingredients are common enough that you can find them already in Strix’s shop or in a Waterdhavian market, the two exceptions being Kara-Tur pears and a specific type of white, aquatic lichen that acts as a substitute to cinnamon. We also know that before getting the two secret ingredients, Strix was already working on the pie for about an hour or more; she then needed a performance check to successfully assemble it, and the pie baked “through the night”. Oh, and also, the pie is ultimately poisoned. More on that later.

The first thing I did was figuring out a “real world” counterpart to the secret ingredients, so that I could design the recipe around them rather than trying to cram them in a traditional apple pie.

The choice was easy for the Kara-Tur pears: Kara-Tur first appeared in the Oriental Adventures book for AD&D in 1985, and it doesn’t seem to have changed much since. As far as I can tell, the only mention of Kara-Tur in 5E is a brief paragraph in the Sword Coast Adventurer’s Guide, where it says that “Far to the east […] lie the empires of Shou Lung, Kozakura, Wa, and the other lands of the vast continent of Kara-Tur”. It’s probably a safe bet to assume these are the equivalent of our real-world China, Japan and Korea. So at least that’s easy to search: we need an Asian pear that is not that common in the West. You don’t have to look far to find the ideal candidate, the nashi pear; also called Asian pear, it’s grown almost exclusively in Japan, Nepal and China, and nowhere commercially in Europe or the US, which makes it a rather difficult fruit to find in the West. I also discovered when researching it that it was called “apple-pear” in several languages, so if that’s not a sign that it belongs in the best apple pie of the Realms, I don’t know what is. Now actually getting the nashi pears was kind of a pain, and after visiting several markets and shops and finding a big fat nothing, I gave up and ordered some online. Which, as you can imagine, makes it by far the most expensive ingredients that goes into the pie. I think I paid more for two pears than for all the other ingredients combined, but anyway, I’ll just be happy it fits into the theme of the rare and hard-to-get ingredient.

Let’s get to the white underwater lichen, shall we? Now THIS was a far more complicated treasure chase. At first I thought I could get away with using some kind of algae or seaweed, since there are so many edible ones, but nooo, that’s not what lichen is, you silly goose: it’s an organism made of types of fungi living in symbiosis with bacteria that use photosynthesis (most commonly algae). In other words, lichen is a moss-mushroom. A mossroom. This led me on a many-hours search of what types of lichen were edible, hoping against hope that I could just go and scrap some off of the trees and rocks in the forest nearby (spoiler alert: I couldn’t). I finally settled on three potential candidates for “best cinnamon substitute in pastry”: Umbilicaria, kalpasi, and Iceland moss.

Umbilicaria (pictured above) is also called “rock tripe” in North America. It was a good candidate because, while not strictly aquatic, it does grow better on seaside cliffs and it is harvested in rainy weather. Its colours vary from black to light gray, so, that’s not white, but grayish could be close enough. I ultimately didn’t go with this one for another reason: it’s a delicacy in Japan, where it’s called “iwatake”, and that’s pretty much the only place where I could order some from. And it might seem petty, but I didn’t want the two secret ingredients to come from the same region of the world. There’s no fun in that.

Kalpasi (above) also seemed like a good choice: it’s an Indian spice composed of ground up greyish-brown lichen, used in meat dishes. I liked it because, unlike other types of lichen, this one is supposed to actually taste good, with earthy, almost truffle-like tones. And we all know truffles always make a dish 50% fancier. For those interested, you can sometimes find it in the West in specialized shops, under the names kalpasi or dagad phool.

Coming down to the last one, Iceland moss! Despite its name, it is indeed a lichen and not a moss. I eventually settled on this one, for three reasons:

1)      It’s not always white, but it can be.

2)      It has been used as an unusual ingredient by the inventive chef René Redzepi in his two-Michelin-star restaurant Noma, in Copenhagen, considered one of the best restaurants in the world. The meals are… interesting, to say the least. Anyway, if it’s good enough to warrant two Michelin stars, we might as well use it.

3)      As its name indicates, it grows in Iceland, more specifically on lava slopes. It’s not underwater, but I like the exoticism it brings to the table, in contrast to the other ingredients. Moreover, I don’t know how much of 4E has been retconned over the years, but I like the idea of Jarlaxle stumbling upon a rare type of white lichen on an ancient lava slope in Gauntlgrym just before he accidentally released Maegera (yes, the same one) and caused the eruption that destroyed Neverwinter. It gives a bit of flavor to the lichen, pun intended.

 Here’s a picture of the bag I bought. It’s not the whitest, but it’ll do.

And there we are, the first step is done, we have our secret ingredients. For the more mundane ones, I went as “high-end medieval fantasy cooking” as I could:

-          Waterdeep flour is most likely made in a traditional mill, probably water- or donkey-powered, so the flour I’ll be using comes from an abbey where it is made traditionally by monks who only sell it there. I’m not even joking. It’s an hour and a half away from where I live but I always make sure to pick up a few bags when I’m in the vicinity. It’s the finest flour I have ever seen, and I’m not exaggerating when I say it flows like water. The stuff is mesmerizing. Do you think they make flour in the Spires?

-          The butter is also locally sourced from a dairy just outside my hometown, it’s partly made with the milk of cows I can see from my window. I don’t think the taste is that different from generic/industrial butter, but it’s as fresh as I can get, and I think that’s closer to what would be available in Waterdeep.

-          Nothing much I can do about the powdered sugar, so it’s just store-bought. I could not find any mentions of sugar in official D&D sources, so I’m assuming they get the expensive one from Kara-Tur and they make the regular one from sugar beets, or that they use honey as a sweetener. We’ll just assume Strix gets hers from her Heward’s handy spice pouch, because we only need a small quantity of it.

-          The eggs, on the other hand, come straight up from my grandma’s chickens. There are just 4 of them but their pen is bigger than her house and they eat like kings because the entire extended family feed them all their leftovers. I figure Strix probably raises her chickens the same way, or at least with the same amount of love. Their yolk is a bright yellow that you can’t get from anywhere else, and it makes for a good-looking pastry.

-          Similarly, the apples come from my grandfather’s apple tree. It’s an exceptional tree that produces so much that 2 other varieties have been grafted on its trunk over the years; it now produces three different kinds of apple. We’re obviously a few months after the season though, so I’m using apples from Fall 2018 that were in my freezer. Not the freshest of ingredients, especially compared to the rest, but it’s the most “organic” apples I can get. I don’t think Waterdeep’s orchards use GMOs.

 Now we need to find a way to make all of this into the best apple pie possible. On a sidenote here, I realize I’m not going to come up with the best apple pie ever out of the blue and simply by adding a strange fruit and an even stranger spice. My goal is for the pie to be the best it can be, while making it interesting enough so that a pie critic from the Forgotten Realms would be delighted enough to kiss a trash-tiefling.

First we need to figure out what Strix is doing to get the pie ready while her companions are fighting wererats and fishing treasure chests. I decided to use my tried-and-true crust recipe, which I have already posted here. It’s a bit long to make, as you need to make the dough, let it cool down for at least 30 minutes, and bake it blind for 10 to 15 minutes; that could be what Strix is doing during the hour+ when the others are away. It’s also way more buttery than most pastry recipes, and it’s a bit unusual in its use of powdered sugar, which I feel makes it closer to what the game’s recipe could be, because, well, it’s non-traditional. Given his choice of ingredients, Jarlaxle is obviously more on the disruptive side of baking.

Next, the filling. In my baking experience, I have found that apple pie is always better when the bottom is lined with applesauce: it keeps the crust from overcooking and keeps the apple slices moist for far longer, allowing you to cook the pie for the few minutes more that will turn crunchy apple bits into soft bites of caramelized goodness. The question now was, do I turn the nashi into purée and use that instead of applesauce, or should I use it as a fruit topping like an apple?

At first, I thought my supply of nashi pears would be very limited, so I would have to make them count. But once they showed up at my house, I realized my mistake: one pear weighs 800g (1.76 lb). These are heckin’ chonkers. Here they are, surrounding a normal-sized apple that wasn’t asking for any trouble:

They’re as big as a grapefruit and four times as heavy. And the taste? Oh sweet Lathander, the taste. This is one of the juiciest fruit I’ve ever eaten. It feels like you’re eating a pear, but it tastes like a very sweet apple, with none of the tartness. It’s like a fruit for kids.

So, given that I had so much more fruit than I expected, I could try some experiments; I turned one half of a nashi into purée, and I baked a tray of mini-pies to try a few different combinations of fruit and sauce.

And here’s what I discovered –the nashi loses its taste when it’s cooked. There is absolutely no point in making an apple pie with nashi as a main fruit, because it’s like biting into a bland pear, which is a shame, given how delicious it is in its raw form. However, its juiciness makes it a pretty great ingredient for the purée. As I said, it loses its taste, so it doesn’t overpower the apples, but the texture of the “nashisauce” is everything you want in that kind of pie: it’s smooth, it’s moist, it ties everything together very well. So, I’ll count that as a win!

Now for the lichen. Chris/Jarlaxle said it was to be used as a substitute to cinnamon, so I had a few options: mix it in with the nashisauce, lightly coat the apple slices in it before assembling the pie, or dust the pie just out of the oven with grated lichen. At that point, you’re probably wondering what Iceland moss tastes like, and so was I. So I ate a bit of it. And regretted it immediately.

It is extremely bitter, and tastes like cheap tea. How do you turn that into an ingredient worthy of the best pie in Waterdeep? The first thing I tried was to let it steep in hot water, as if I was actually making tea. I made two cups: one to use the resulting water as a binding agent for the crust (which would imply reducing the amount of egg yolk, but you never know, it could be for the best), and one to see if I could “wash away” some of the bitterness off the lichen.

Well, again, no to both of those, it was just too bitter. But I discovered in the process that if you let the lichen steep in hot water long enough, it falls to the bottom of the cup and you can mush it into a kind of lumpy paste. Working from this, and after many tries, I finally came up with what I think is a good solution: I boiled the lichen in a lot of water with a few spoons of honey until it turned into mush, pressed that into a mold, baked it for half an hour, rolled the resulting paste into a ball with powdered sugar to reduce its stickiness, let it air dry overnight and well into the next day (I sped up the process by leaving it on top of my oven, which is often on in our home), and baked it once more at a very low temperature for almost two hours. The result was a very hard ball of cooked-but-unburnt lichen, honey and sugar, which I could grind into a sand-like powder.

Its only use in that state is to be scattered on top of the pie just out of the oven, which melts the sugar and frees the aroma of the lichen. Now here’s where it gets interesting: it’s sweet and the bitterness is still there, but it’s a good bitterness, like adding dark chocolate to curry or a red wine sauce. It’s not overpowering, it doesn’t overwhelm the apple taste, you don’t get it on every bite so you don’t get bored of it, and overall, it just tastes great. And that’s exactly what we want.

All right, everything seems to be figured out ingredients-wise, time to bake the first test pie! I was wondering what exactly would be the look of a “fractal helix pie”, so I just went with a pie-ception kind of concept and used once again my trusty mini-pie tray to make smaller pies on the main pie.

Also, I used an apple peeler and corer and only cut one side of the resulting product to turn the fruits into apple rings rather than the usual apple slices. I was hoping that it’d look more helix-y if I covered the pie in intertwined rings. Pop that in the oven for 50 minutes, and here we go!

So here are the results; it’s a good pie, all in all. The nashisauce certainly makes a difference for the best, albeit a small one –if you know it’s there, you can barely taste it, but if you don’t know it just feels like “hey, the applesauce did its job remarkably well today”. The lichen is also a welcomed addition on the bites where it is present, but you have to tell your guests that it’s there, otherwise their “Oh yeah, that’s pretty good in a dark chocolate-y kind of way” will turned into a shocked “What in the Nine Hells is that black stuff that tastes like a cursed grapefruit”.

Regarding the looks of the pie, it didn’t quite turn out as I’d hoped. Sure, it’s different, and the mini-pies-on-a-pie where a hit with the guests, but the apple rings had shrunk and broke off each other in several places, making it just a weirdly laid-out apple pie.

All in all, the first full-scale test was a bit disappointing, but not discouraging –the basics were there, and it was better than my usual apple pie. It just needed a little something to push it over the edge.

At this point, I’m thinking that the ingredients are pretty much the best we can realistically get, and I can’t imagine any cooking technique within my abilities that would improve the overall taste. So let’s add more ingredients and see if it does the trick. What can we add that doesn’t betray the lore of DCA and the setting of the Forgotten Realms?

Let’s dive back into the process: Strix has to bake her pies in a traditional bread oven, given that she worked in a bakery when she was a child. Which means her pies cook realistically in less than an hour in a very hot oven that stays around 250°C-275°C (480°F-530°F) all day. We’ve also seen in some episodes that the pies can be made and cooked in 10 minutes to half an hour, so she probably has a bunch of pre-cooked pastry case and keeps her oven above 300°C (570°F) , which is possible although quite insane.

But Chris said that the pie was let to bake overnight. How does that happen? Probably by baking the crust blind in the hot oven, which you typically don’t do for an apple pie, then take it out, let the temperature drop and the fire turn to embers, and finally putting the now assembled pie inside and closing the door so that the fruit slowly cooks and caramelizes. And what happens when you leave something in a semi-closed wood-fired oven for an extended period of time? It gets smoked. Literally. This is something I hadn’t thought of before, but every pastry made by Strix should have a very light woody, smoky aftertaste.

I don’t have access to a traditional baker’s oven (I’ve been planning on building one myself for years but never made the jump because I seriously doubt I could pull it off), but nowadays it’s easy to come by something called liquid smoke, which is exactly what it sounds like. So let’s get back to the mini-pie tray and bake some with different amount of liquid smoke, mixed into the applesauce or baked into the pastry.

And survey says: ooh boy you really don’t need much. If we extrapolate from the taste of the small pies, only about 5 drops should be added to the applesauce, and nothing to the pastry. It should give the pie that subtle smoky taste that hints toward campfire food. Any more and it tastes like the pie has been baked on an unwashed stove where you previously charred pounds of cheap, expired bacon.

Okay, we’re almost there… and then, as I was scraping my brain to find a new ingredient that would stay true to the pie, it hit me. It was staring at me right in the face from the very beginning.

It’s a LUSKAN pie. It’s from basically a pirate city! It needs rum to be complete! Again, there’s two way to go about this: either mix a big tablespoon of rum with the nashisauce, or pour it on the pie at the last moment to flambé it. But let’s be honest, flambé is just for show, and it will be much more flavorful if it bakes with the pie, so, let’s do that.

Also, I went back to Chris’s tweet announcing what the episode would be about, and he used this gif: 

Soooo… Yeah, that’s probably why he called it a “fractal helix” pie. I don’t think I can replicate an ever-moving infinite pastry in real life, but I can certainly try.

Okay, let’s bake a new pie for real! This should be the one. I’m doing everything in one go, as close to DCA as I can:

1-      Preparing the crust and baking it blind, undercooking it a lot, just enough so that there is no risk of the crust losing its integrity under the humidity of the nashisauce, while the rest of the Coven goes on a hunt for lichen and pears. Total time: 1 hour.

2-      Beginning to cook the nashi into purée with half a vanilla pod (in a bit of last-minute inspiration) while peeling half of the apples; I am letting those oxidize for a bit, so that I’ll have two different colors of apple to work with. Time: 5min.

3-      Boiling the Iceland moss with honeyed water and pressing the resulting paste into a mold: 15min.

4-      Thoroughly blending the cooked nashi purée and setting it to cool down on the windowsill while the lichen bakes in the oven: 15 min.

5-      Taking the lichen out of the oven and rolling it into a ball with powdered sugar: 5 min.

6-      Mixing the nashisauce with liquid smoke and rum, peeling the rest of the apples, and finally assembling the pie in a pattern that suggests movement: 45 min. Yeah I went back and forth a lot with the placement and shapes of the apple slices. I’m thinking this is where the performance check comes into action, and I do not have proficiency in that skill.

7-      And now, it has to cook overnight, while the ball of sweet lichen dries out on top of the oven. So what I’m doing is actually baking it at low temperature (175°C/350°F) for over an hour, and then, without ever opening the oven door to keep as much humidity inside as I can, turning it down to the smallest setting for another hour (that would be 100°C/210°F on my oven). Once this is done, I’m still not opening the oven door, and I turn the oven off, letting it cool down with the pie still inside overnight. Also I started it at 7PM, and now it’s a bit before midnight because I took my sweet time, so I’m going to sleep.

The next morning, I’m checking the ball of lichen: it’s not as hard as the first time, mostly because I didn’t let it dry long enough, but I should be able to grate enough of its surface to lightly dust it on the pie. Speaking of the pie, I’m finally opening the oven door, and… it looks perfect.

Or at least, it looks how I wanted it to look: the patterns are there, although some slices have shifted a little, and the two colors of apple give it a style that I absolutely love. I’m definitely using this trick from now on for my normal apple pies. And it’s still a bit warm. I’m taking the pie out and putting the lichen in on a very low setting to dry it out a bit more.

Four hours later, I am serving the pie; I popped it in the hot oven for a brief moment to slightly warm it up, grated a bit of lichen on top of it, and dug in with everyone.

Is it the perfect pie? Probably not. Is it unusual? I mean, kinda, there’s a lot of subtle flavors in there that you don’t necessarily expect. Is it good? Yes, yes it is. The ingredients blend very well together. But more importantly, DID MY MOTHER SAY SHE LOVED IT AND ASK FOR THE RECIPE? DAMN RIGHT SHE DID. And that’s all I need to call it a success.

So here we are folks, this is the end of our Luskan fractal helix pie journey. I had a lot of fun coming up with that one, and I’m looking forward to the next culinary endeavors of the Chicken Foot Coven.

I guess that, as a conclusion, I need to address the biggest question we’re all asking ourselves: is this pie worth making?

If you just want to eat a good apple pie, no, not really. Just make your favourite apple pie, and maybe take some inspiration from this recipe to spice it up a bit. But if you want to try and bake it in the spirit of “let’s make a DCA-inspired pie”, please do. It’s tremendous fun. I loved tracking down and using those exotic ingredients, and the process of turning lichen into sweet sand makes you feel like an alchemist. Plus, it’s an easy recipe, there’s not much that can go wrong. It’s still just an apple pie.

All right, that’s it, we’re done. If you read everything, thank you so much for keeping up with my rambling. Don’t hesitate to ask if you have some questions related to all of that. Otherwise, I’ll see you all next time there is something to bake!

PS: “But what if I want to taste what the critic ACTUALLY ate, poison and all?”

So I did some research, and it seems that most poisons have a bitter taste, which is already present in our pie thanks to the lichen. So, potentially, the pie wouldn’t taste much different. I’d also wager that the Drow poison is tasteless. However, some “classical” poisons are known to have a distinct taste: cyanide supposedly tastes like bitter almonds, and poison hemlock allegedly tastes like mild parsnip. Yes, parsnip, you read that right. I don’t think parsnip will be a good addition to our pie’s flavor profile, but I’m positive that almonds will make it even better. If you’re not allergic.

[poirott]

hey there any idea where to watch all of the murder on the orient express deleted scenes? :)

Hey there, anon! Thank you for your ask. There are 11 deleted scenes on the Murder on the Orient Express (2017) dvd. Some have been uploaded online via media outlets and some by fans. I’m including links to the uploads, and my own screencaps of the rest of the scenes:

- Hotel Check-in - Poirot arrives at the Tokatlian hotel in Istanbul. He’s telegrammed specific orders about his room reservation (10 bath towels, 10 bottles of mineral water, etc). The scene introduces his OCD. I did a gif set of it.

- Poirot Bedtime Rituals - We see Poirot’s slimming exercises routine and moustache grooming. He’s wearing a corset. Here’s a gif set. The only look we have at Poirot’s famous moustache kit. Ken Branagh talks about the kit here.

- Pierre Michel (the conductor) interview - The only suspect interrogation scene they cut. It’s a shame because Marwan Kenzari’s performance is touching, and the location they went with for the interview is visually interesting.

- Departure - A great shot of the Orient Express leaving the station. We see all the characters inside the traincars as they speed past the camera. Poirot is at the very end in the last car, looking pleased. This isn’t a CGI scene, it was shot in camera.

- The following tweet from a fan has a video of three deleted scenes:

1) The Mr Ratchett/Poirot sequence from the Arasta Bazaar/Alternate Opening scene, an alternate - and much longer - intro scene of several characters before they get to board the train. The widowed Mrs Hubbard is chatting up a bunch of local children, Pilar Estravados the missionary is talking to a jewelry seller, Miss Debenham is taking pictures on her camera and spots the Count and Countess Andrenyi.

In the movie we only see Ratchett and the Count and Countess Andrenyi at the cafe, but no Poirot, who got cut out. In the full deleted scene he’s got a bigger role, he sees the Count fighting the paps and is about to intervene (rising from his chair), when the Countess arrives and the fighting stops. Poirot sits down again. He’s eating a lot of food, and getting excited over famous desert, and like the clip in the tweet shows, Mr Ratchett is also ordering him a bottle of champaigne, but Poirot asks for a cup of hot chocolate instead, and toasts Mr Ratchett in thanks. Chefs making the chocolate for Poirot and closeups of Godiva chocolate do not appear in either the deleted scene or the theatrical cut. I giffed the Godiva sequence here. 

2) Dreamscape - The full “Poirot vision”-like scene in b&w in which we get inside Poirot’s mind. It’s a sort of re-cap of the different clues Poirot’s gathered so far. He’s looking at all the suspects one by one, and there’s a cool group shot of them facing him. More on this scene below.

3) bits of the Poirot Bedtime Rituals scene I’ve already mentioned.

That’s all the scenes I’ve managed to find online, there might be more out there, the studio took down several clips. The ones left from the dvd are:

- Alternate Opening - B&w scene of Colonel Armstrong alone in a gloomy, darkened living room. He’s watching a projector clip of himself, his wife and daughter at play when they were all happy and carefree. Little Daisy is playing with her teddybear and dolly.

- Newsreel (Extended) - B&w reel of news footage and newspaper clippings about the Armstrong kidnapping case, “the story that shocked the world”. It serves as background info for the audience. Shots of the crime scene, the funeral, mother screaming on the floor, Daisy’s teddybear guarding a fresh grave.

- Breakfast - The extra footage that was cut from the Wailing Wall scene. After Poirot exposes the Chief Inspector, the Inspector wants to attack him from behind but Poirot intercepts with his cane without looking back. He doesn’t see the breakfast boy with the eggs who’s followed him to the Wall, and he swings his cane, hitting theeggs by accident. The tops of the eggs the boy is holding out to him, are cut off. Next shot is of Poirot finally eating breakfast, he’s seated by the Wall, with the boy and a waiter standing beside him.

- Train Montage - A short clip of Orient Express staff/waiters setting the tables, bringing in crates of food, arranging champaigne bottles, etc. Just a few extra shots that didn’t make it into the film.

- Luggage - Bouc and Michel the conductor going through some of the passengers’ luggage. Mostly closeups of the contents of their suitcases, with quick shots of Estravados the missionary, Schmidt the maid, Marquez the salesman and Hardmanthe professor, and one extra line from Estravados.

There are about 30 mins of other deleted footage that never landed on the dvd, including two major action scenes - Poirot chasing MacQueen the assistant out in the blizzard, shooting at MacQueen in warning, then saving him from drowning when the man falls into a river, and Poirot defending himself from Dr Arbuthnot, almost falling off the train and using his wits to get back inside.

Changes from the original script to the theatrical cut: The original denouement scene happened in the dining car like in the book (and the 1974 movie), not outside, though I’m not sure if they ever filmed the first version. There are some huge differences between the original script and the film. A lot of the clue-explaining, some of the exposition, character-establishing and other character moments, extra lines from interrogation scenes, chunks of dialog, etc, were cut. Settings and certain lines of dialogue were changed. More canon quotes were added into the movie, such as Poirot’s famous “My name is Hercule Poirot and I’m probably the greatest detective in the world” line from The Mystery of the Blue Train. Miss Debeham and Dr Arbuthnot kissed twice in the original script! No kisses in the movie. Pilar Estravados was Greta Ohlsson, like in the book (Estravados’ name comes from Hercule Poirot’s Christmas).  Poirot remembers his canon “love interest“ Vera Rossakoff. She only gets a mention but is kind of instrumental to him solving the case. Vera was changed into “Katherine” in the movie, a new character, someone from Poirot’s past. Was it because Vera might appear in future movies?

Most of the characters get a bit more screentime in the original script. Poirot has a HUGE, HUGE “getting-inside-the-detective’s-head” scene where he sees all the suspects frozen like ice, or like in a photograph, and he can walk through the photograph and observe each suspect, each frozen facial expression, and analyze what everyone told him in interviews. He’s looking at all the clues again in his mind, brushing away those that aren’t relevant. For the audience, this would have been a bigger and more helpful re-cap of the mystery compared to “Dreamscape” above. It would have been an amazing showstopper scene.

I wish they could have kept some of these scenes as one of the biggest criticisms about the movie was that the audience couldn’t really follow the clues and play “detective”, Poirot did all the explaining himself - and quickly - and didn’t give them enough of a chance to solve the mystery on their own. The screenwriter originally had POIROT ANALYZE ALL THE CLUES in great detail. All the clues from the book are present. Poirot’s all about the clues and observation. He brainstorms which suspect could be guilty, which pairs of suspects could have killed Ratchett together. He considers them all in his mind, all the variations and possibilities, and the audience can see his thoughts. He’s moving from one suspect to the next, in a “refresh my memory” sort of scene for the viewers.

He’s not “omnipotent” nor “guessing” like some critics have complained. He tells you how he came by the conclusions. He does it in the movie but originally he talked a lot, lot more, and the scenes were trimmed for time constraints. Some of the details regarding the clues were the first to go. I love the movie dearly and always will but there’s an even greater potential in the original script, I think. Hopefully we see more deleted footage on future dvd sets. :)

Thanks again for your ask! If anyone would like me to gif any of the deleted scenes, please let me know! :)

[lalka-laski]

What’s the next really important thing you have to do? Well I’m at work right now and there are quite a few tasks on my to-do list today. But will I do them? Or will I just do surveys all day? Stay tuned! 

Are you looking forward to anything? Celebrating Mardi Gras tomorrow with my parents & Glenn! 

If you could study anything at any school, where and what would you study? Well I have my BS but I’d like a Master’s at some point. Maybe. 

What was the last essay you remember writing about? A personal essay 

Remember which movie the line, “We are the weirdos, mister”, is from? No clue. I’m far from a movie buff. 

Do you wear lipstick often? Nah. I’d like to get more into makeup as an artform but I never have the energy (or willingness) to practice. 

Do you prefer pants or skirts? Why? Dresses most of all. Then skirts.  How late is too late for coffee for you? I try not to drink it past 3 pm  Are you more of a girly girl or a tomboy? I hate both those terms, tbh. But everyone describes me as a girly girl. 

In your dream kitchen, would the worktops be marble or steel? Marble! 

What’s the best cake you’ve ever baked? I’m not a baker and I don’t think I’ve ever baked a whole cake, actually. Just cupcakes, and even those are just from a box. 

Have you ever tasted black/salted licorice? Black licorice, yes. 

Have you ever cross stitched anything? If so, what? Nope. Might be a cool thing to learn but I’m sure I’d lose interest quickly as I do with every other craft I try. 

You’re going on a date with someone you like. What would you like to do? I know it sounds typical but going out to eat is one of my FAVORITE things to do ever. So dinner & drinks is always top of my list. Glenn & I also LOVE bookstores, especially when we can sit and read for awhile. Damn Covid! 

You äre hanging out with your best friend. What would you like to do? Again, going out for food or drink is my top choice. I especially like scoping out new restaurants with my friends because Glenn isn’t that adventurous with food so we’re more limited with places to eat. I also love having game nights, movie nights, or doing other fun activities at home.

Have you ever written or considered writing a play? I love writing but I don’t know enough about live theater to write a play. I mean, I wrote little plays and skits as a kid but who didn’t?

How about a novel? If so, could you give us the synopsis of the plot? I consider it often. We’ll see... 

Who is considered the “black sheep” of your family? Why? None of us, really. My family is hardly homogenous and everyone is kinda free to just be themselves. (This doesn’t mean we’re exempt from criticism. It just means no individual is singled out) 

Why is your favorite movie your favorite movie? Legally Blonde because I identify with the protagonist and the movie’s message as a whole. 

Don’t you wish there were more new surveys? I don’t do surveys nearly enough for that to be an issue. 

Have you ever hosted a kids’ birthday party? Not entirely but I’ve certainly helped host many of them 

What’s a color you hate? Orange

What’s an odor you hate? The smell of wet peanut butter or tomato sauce. You know, like when you’re washing dishes. It makes me ILL!!

What’s a sound you hate? Certain people’s voices REALLY grate me. Oh also my alarm clock. 

If money was no issue, what would you like to do right now? I would say travel but Covid kinda puts a damper on that. I’d like to be working on a book or some other writing project, maybe a website?

What’s something you’re so good at that you take pride in your skill? Writing. Sometimes. 

Is anything exciting or special happening in exactly three weeks from now? Uhh my guess is no. But hey, I’m gonna be open to ~possibilities~

What’s something you’d never ever dare to ask another person? "Are you pregnant?” 

What’s something you’ve always wanted to ask someone but haven’t dared? “What the fuck is your deal?” 

What is a song you cannot stand? LIFE IS A HIGHWAY

What is the tastiest alcoholic beverage? I’m partial to red ales. Oh, and any kind of sparkling wine! 

What’s the worst/best thing you’ve done without your parents knowing? Uhh... 

If you wear earrings, what does your favorite pair look like? I’ve never had anything pierced 

Have you ever won any money from a scratch card? I think a few bucks here and there but I never cashed in on it. 

How about a slot machine? Nope 

Do like playing bingo? Never really seen the appeal 

What’s been the best thing you’ve found at a flea market? I’ve never been to one

Have you ever eaten anything sweetened with xylitol? If so, what? Uhh.. not sure. 

If you could have any color lights in your house, which would you choose? I like warm lighting over white lights. 

Do you ever glance at people’s butts? I mean, yeah? 

What’s a random funny scene from a movie that has stuck with you? It’s a TV show but what immediately comes to mind is this scene from That’s So Raven that I watched the other day. It’s when she’s pretending to be “Liz Anya.” I’m 28 years old and it still made me CRACK THE HELL UP. 

What’s the nicest thing that’s happened in the past few days? I had a LOVELY Valentine’s Day yesterday. And so far today is off to a good start so let’s keep this momentum going! 

What has been the best birthday you’ve had so far? Mmm last year’s was pretty good if I remember correctly. I’ve never had a bad one! 

What small, everyday thing makes you really happy? That first sip of coffee (or tea) in the morning is *chef’s kiss* 

[nitrateglow]

Halloween 2017 movie marathon: The Shining (dir. Stanley Kubrick, 1980)

“You've had your whole fucking life to think things over! What good's a few minutes more gonna do you now?!”

Frustrated writer Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson) agrees to spend the winter as the caretaker of the picturesque Overlook Hotel, with his meek wife Wendy (Shelley Duvall) and troubled young son Danny (Danny Lloyd) in tow. Problems brew to a boiling point as the alienated family spends their days in the remote resort: Jack’s encounters with what may or may not be malevolent ghosts bring his already-existing resentment toward his wife and son to the fore, causing him to engage in ever-more sadistic and violent behavior. As his father and the sinister atmosphere of the hotel grow more hostile, Danny, informed by the Overlook’s telepathic chef Halloran (Scatman Crothers) that he has a psychic ability known as “shining,” attempts to contact the outside world before he and his mother are butchered.

As it is with James Whale’s Frankenstein, discussing Stanley Kubrick’s 1980 adaptation of The Shining can prove a daunting task. Everyone and their grandmother seems to have an insane interpretation or conspiracy theory about just what the hell it means. Stephen King enjoys bitching about it every few years. It is endlessly parodied and homaged. But as with James Whale’s Frankenstein, I’m going to talk about it anyway, because my reaction to this movie is a strange one, at least by my standards. When I first saw The Shining, I didn’t find it that scary. If anything, I saw it as more of a black comedy with a lot of suspense. Over repeated visits, most horror movies lose that visceral edge that comes with an initial viewing, but The Shining somehow grows more frightening every time I come back to it—and yet, despite its disturbing themes and eerie atmosphere, I would argue that in Kubrick’s oeuvre, few films are as optimistic. (No, I’m not crazy!) Unfortunately, most of the discourse surrounding this movie is ridiculous, all Illuminati and government conspiracy—but never fear: if you have not seen the film, rest assured that it is a fine horror picture; you do not require a tinfoil hat to enjoy its considerable artistic merits and entertainment value.

Placed alongside the other horror movies I’ve covered in this marathon thus far, The Shining does not seem particularly gothic: it lacks the chiaroscuro aesthetic of Frankenstein or The Mummy. Compared to The Cat and the Canary and subsequent haunted house films, The Shining’s Overlook Hotel is picturesque and contemporary, with not a hint of dust or decay to be seen on the premises. Everything is bright and well-lit—perhaps even over-lit and garish. There are no shadows hiding ghouls or spooky paintings, only kitschy 1970s decor. But if there is a running theme throughout this film, it’s making normal things look as creepy as possible. The stillness of the abandoned hotel, not to mention the way these already disturbed characters are kept in close quarters within it, creates an eerie atmosphere from the moment the Torrance clan set foot on the premises.

Like all great gothic stories, The Shining concerns itself with how the horrors of the past linger in the present, and the Overlook Hotel has no shortage in that regard. Despite its glamorous past, where the “jet set” of the 1920s and 1930s used to hang in the lavish ball room, the Overlook has its share of atrocities, such as the desecration of the Native American burial ground it was built over or the young family slaughtered by the former caretaker a decade before the events of the film take place. The Torrances bring their own baggage: Jack and Wendy’s marriage is already strained, and Jack’s one instance of drink-induced physical abuse of Danny has marred the family dynamic even further. Evil is a constant presence in this film; it infuses the hotel and Jack’s mind, though slowly. Much of the suspense comes from this slowness; I think Kubrick is the only filmmaker who could make the audience jump out of their seat just by throwing an intertitle at us unexpectedly (I’m not even kidding). A series of intertitles are inserted between segments, counting down to the climax where Jack decides he might want to give the whole “murder my wife and child” thing a try. These measurements of time start out broad, but slowly become more specific, counting down to the minute. It is such a simple strategy, but an effective one in making us fear for the more sympathetic characters.

And that’s not getting into the ghosts! I’m not often frightened by paranormal stories, but The Shining’s ghouls are the sort that make you nervous about getting out of bed to use the bathroom at night (I know this from experience). The famous Steadicam use adds to the ghostly ambiance, gliding swiftly through the Overlook’s labyrinthine corridors. The iconic tricycle sequences are so creepy because the camera movement makes it seem as though Danny is being stalked by something. Then there are the ghosts themselves, who manage to be incredibly scary without ridiculous spectacle. The creepy twins are ingrained into the popular culture, of course, but I’m especially unnerved by the eroticized woman in the bathtub or Charles Grady, the former caretaker played by Kubrick regular Philip Stone. There’s something far, far more malevolent about them, as they both represent Jack’s ultimate desire: to break free of his family by any means necessary. They also possess a stillness that makes them creepier than any CG-generated ghoul could ever dream of being (see the remake of The Haunting if you need ample proof of that).

Unlike the book, we are never given extensive backstory for any of these characters; however, Kubrick and co-writer Diane Johnson are wise to allow us to make our own inferences about the messed-up family life of the Torrances just from the way they behave around one another, because this approach prevents the movie from being bogged down by too much verbal exposition. When the Torrances in public or attempting to be “normal” in private, their conversations are bland and trite—even strained— almost like people re-enacting normality, the kind of family bonds you might see on televised sitcoms. Jack’s feelings toward Danny are ambiguous; I can never quite decide if part of him loves “the little son of a bitch” or if he’s always resented him. The scene where Danny sits on Jack’s lap and asks him if he would ever hurt him or Wendy might be the most uncomfortable scene in the movie: the way Jack plants a kiss on his son’s forehead feels performative, forced, just like his unconvincing denial that he would ever hurt his family. However, it’s clear his marriage was never ideal. Not once does Jack ever look upon Wendy with anything other than barely contained contempt or tolerance. One gets the feeling that Jack probably married Wendy out of obligation rather than love, while the opposite was true for her. From her frumpy wardrobe and intense efforts to be supportive, Wendy comes off as a woman who has settled—and settled hard. Her few moments of joy in the hotel are with Danny, such as when they run through the Overlook Maze for the first time.

Kubrick is often accused of being a “cold” filmmaker, but the strong love Wendy feels toward Danny in this film belies any argument that this adaptation has no emotional core. I know some people find Shelley Duvall’s Wendy annoying, but I could not disagree more. She is heartbreaking and believable as a woman with so little confidence that she tries to make a miserable marriage to an abusive man work. She’s trying to make the best of a bad situation, but even she has her limits and that limit is Danny’s well-being. Once she believes Jack is a hazard to her son once again, she is fully against him and fights like hell to survive the night. Danny Lloyd gives one of the best child performances I’ve ever seen in a movie. He captures both the alienation and cleverness of this young boy, all without precocious cuteness or terrible line readings. By the end of the movie, both Wendy and Danny have to rely on their inner strength and wits to escape Jack, who gradually becomes more beast-like as the ghosts of the past overtake what little tolerance he already had in regards to his wife and child.

I don’t think anyone in their right mind would argue Kubrick is a feel-good filmmaker; most of his mature films criticize society, emphasize the absurd tragedy of the human condition, and border on nihilism in their philosophy. However, after 2001: A Space Odyssey, The Shining has the closest thing to a happy ending in all of Kubrick’s filmography, even as it does remind us that evil is a constant presence in the human heart. Nevertheless, even if evil is eternal, it can be escaped—and coming from the guy who made such bleak works as A Clockwork Orange and Full Metal Jacket, that is quite a sunny message! As a psychological horror movie, it remains influential, with The Babadook, Black Swan, and The Neon Demon being just three recent films which have felt its impact. It is a work which bears repeat viewing well; for most, repeat viewings might be necessary. I’ve seen it four times and I still haven’t gotten a solid interpretation of it yet, and this keeps it evergreen.