#I just keep thinking about the first issue honestly nothing else has hit that hard yet but it opened with a bang

[tbcanary]

comics will be like “tragedies always begin long before the first scene is ever played… they are born often enough of actions taken in purity, be it in intention or emotion… done more often than not for the best of reasons. but all tragedies end the same way.” and expect you to go on with your life.

[shanardo13]

Obikin College Au - RA/Don! Obi-Wan/First Year! Anakin - Part Three

Honestly, at this point I should probably just start writing it, but I keep thinking of little ideas for this au and want to keep track of them, so I present to you: Part Three 😈

Link to Part One

Link to Part Two

At this point, they are becoming inseparable - Ahsoka would say insufferable. Both are applicable.

Whenever Anakin has errands to run, he texts Obi-Wan to come with him. Obi-Wan has started to do the same. Now most of their outings involve running errands for each of them.

Anakin: u free? I gotta hit Walmart and get supplies for my project.

Obi-Wan: yeah I’m free. Think u could get it from staples at the mall instead?

Obi-Wan: I wanna go to Sephora and Hot Topic. Need eyeliner and I wanna look at band shirts.

Anakin: omfg 🙄

Anakin: jk jk that sounds perfect! Meet outside subway station in ten?

Obi-Wan: sounds good!

And then they meet in front of the subway station like they planned.

They both bring earbuds to the subway, so really they could listen to their own music, but they never do. Instead they share a pair and sit huddled up together, taking turns picking songs.

They can both be kind of pretentious with music, so they work well together. Despite their differences, they impress each other with their knowledge and love of the same music.

“Anakin, Wings is leagues better than Plastic Ono Band, and anyone who doesn’t think so is just stupid.”

“Oh, McCartney is just bubblegum pop and we both know it, Obi. At least Lennon had substance.”

“Substance abuse issues, maybe.”

“Can we at least agree that Harrison’s work is significantly underrated?”

“Oh definitely. All Things Must Pass is the best post-Beatles solo album in my opinion.”

“Yes! Thank you! Do you want to listen to it?”

When they get to the mall, they immediately head to their favourite little coffee shop in the centre of the food court. Obi-Wan always buys, so Anakin usually makes it up to him by finding him a little gift.

“You just want your regular?”

“Obi-Wan, I’ve told you numerous times. I can afford my own coffee. You don’t have to buy it for me.”

“Shut up, I want to.” He turns to the employee and repeats their drink orders. “And a strawberry danish please!”

They sit in the food court while they drink their beverages and Anakin eats his danish, conversation flowing endlessly. Lots of inside jokes and giggles are shared. Then they continue on with their shopping.

They go to staples first, as Obi-Wan has dubbed it the ‘not-fun’ part of their trip.

“Anakin, you’re getting office supplies for a school project. Boring! Let’s get it out of the way first!”

“Okay, fine.” Anything for you! Literally anything you ask, any time, I would say yes. I’m at your mercy

They grab what Anakin needs at Staples and then head to Sephora.

Obi-Wan spends far too long sifting through various shades of black eyeliner. They all look the same.

“Anakin, which is better? ‘Midnight’ or ‘Jet Black’?” He holds up two pencils.

Anakin studies them. He tries really hard to spot a difference between them and to subsequently make a decision.

“Uhh… I guess, ‘Midnight’ ?” He suggests, pointing to ‘Jet Black’.

Afterwards they head to Hot Topic to look at the band shirts. This has both of them captivated.

“Anakin, it’s buy three get the fourth free. If we each pick two we can get the deal and then just split the cost for the rest.”

“Yes, Obi-Wan, I understand. But what if we each picked four?”

“You don’t need four new shirts!!!”

They settle on each getting two. When Anakin buys Obi-Wan a cool chain necklace with a scorpion on it that he had been eyeing, it’s only as a repayment for the coffee. Nothing else.

When Obi-Wan buys Anakin a pair of dangly sword earrings, it’s only because he thinks they would look really good on Anakin and he’s not too bashful to admit it. He wasn’t going to spend any time thinking about what that might mean.

“Please put them on! They totally suit you!”

“Oh fine!” Anakin obliges. They’re in the washroom after leaving Hot Topic. He puts the earrings on, as Obi-Wan watches him in the mirror.

“See! You look hot, Ani.”

“Oh, fuck off.” He mutters, blushing a fierce red as the two of them maintain eye contact in the mirror. You can’t just say something like that and expect me to be normal about it!

So Anakin walks around the mall, sword earrings proudly on display.

They go to Indigo because Obi-Wan is an English major and is passionate about literature. He wants to buy a book for Anakin to read so they can talk about it.

“I think you’ll really like Slaughterhouse-Five. Vonnegut is a very satirical author, and I think you’ll appreciate his dark sense of humour. Plus, it has science fiction elements! He uses aliens and a warped concept of time to highlight the trauma and impact of war. You’ll love it!”

“It sounds cool! I’ll give it a go!”

Anakin likely would have never picked it up on his own, but the way Obi-Wan’s eyes lit up and the pace of his speech quickened as he spoke with great passion about the novel made it entirely worth reading.

After the mall, they go to the park together. They sit down at a spot under a tree. Obi-Wan leans against the tree. He grabs a journal from his book bag and begins writing in it - just lil poems and thoughts. Definitely not about Anakin.

Anakin stretches out and rests his head on Obi-Wan’s lap. He starts reading the copy of ‘Slaughterhouse-Five’ that Obi-Wan bought for him.

They sit there for a long time in silence, each focusing on their own task but enjoying each others company.

Eventually Obi-Wan stops writing, putting his journal away in his bag.

The sun is starting to set, and as he glances down at Anakin, he notices how it highlights his features.

He notices the warmth of his skin brightened by the light - the gold of his curls enunciated in the glow.

He reaches down and rakes his fingers through the curls as Anakin continues reading.

“Thank you for today. Trips like this mean everything to me.” You mean everything to me.

Anakin stops where he’s reading and folds the corner of the page. Obi-Wan winces - he would never damage a book like that.

Anakin looks up at him, leaning into the fingers in his hair, practically purring. It’s enough to stop Obi-Wan from cursing him for folding the pages of a book.

“Of course, Obi. Things are always more fun with you.” He hums.

Obi-Wan smiles down at him, giving his scalp light scratches. I’m not thinking about kissing him.

“You’re like a little cat.” He ruffles his locks before pulling his hand away. He gives Anakin’s nose a boop.

Anakin huffs and pulls himself into a sitting position so they’re face to face. He stares at Obi-Wan for a moment, a devilish grin spreading across his face.

Suddenly, he stands up, reaching for Obi-Wan’s hand. “C’mon.” He says.

“Oh, what now?” Obi-Wan groans and grabs the offered hand, allowing himself to be pulled up.

“You’re going to buy me ice cream from the stand over there!” Anakin beams, interlocking their fingers and pointing to an ice cream cart in the distance.

Obi-Wan rolls his eyes but can’t control the smile tugging at his lips.

And so they go to the cart. Obi-Wan buys Anakin an ice cream cone. He wouldn’t do it if it didn’t make him happy - or rather, if it didn’t make Anakin happy which in turn made him happy.

As Anakin devours the cone they make their way back to the subway station. Their hands stay intertwined the entire way.

Mindlessly, Obi-Wan rubs his thumb up and down against Anakin’s palm.

All in all, it was quite a perfect day.

I promise at some point I’ll actually start writing this - I can’t promise I won’t post more of these before that though. 😎

[swirlysmile]

Hi! I've been thinking about this idea so if you like you can write about it🤗: reader ejects during a practice for the mission and has to spend the night at the infirmary just in case, worried trying to hide it hangman goes to see her and ends up staying (not dating yet, they go back and forth with silly fights but already have feelings for the other), reader tries to play it cool like it was nothing but maybe he tries to make her laugh to cheer her up if you want?

changed it up a little, forgive me 🥲 still stuck to the general idea, so hope you like it!!

word count: 2k

warnings; mentions of ejections, dangerous situations, some swearing, slightly OOC hangman

Eject, Eject

You wish you weren’t here right now, but you also felt incredibly blessed to not have a WSO with you. 

Right now, your plane was rapidly descending. Engine recovery measures were failing, and at this point you were too far in to give up. 

“Left engine failure,” you speak, trying to keep a level tone. You knew that if you panicked, everybody else would. 

Murmurs of instructions were being blasted in your ears through the comms, but none of them really hit until Maverick said “If you eject any later, you’ll die!” 

You’re already almost to 500 feet, making ejection more dangerous than it would have been if you’d listened the first time.

That cleared your conscience enough to make you notice what a low altitude you were at. 

The jet was screaming at you to pull up- and your co-workers were screaming at you to eject. 

You finally got it in your head that there was no saving this plane, so you reached down to grasp the handles and pulled upwards.  

You manage to open your eyes just in time to see the main event- your F-18 drop into the mountainside. The ringing in your ears tells you that it didn’t sound as cool as it looked.

You’re sure that your slightly limp body floating down from the sky missed the mark too.

The other pilots are celebrating from their huddle by the radio after Maverick confirms he saw a parachute.

You’re barely conscious after your landing. You're close enough to the ruins of your F-18 that the fumes are really starting to get to your head, and the wreckage doesn’t smell very good. 

Your vision goes a little dark, then you hear the sounds of a sweet sweet rescue helicopter. 

After that, you’re out.

There's sounds of beeping, a few monitors hooked up to you, and a whole lot of headache. Other than that, you feel great, Nothing broken, and hopefully nothing of note. 

“They’re keeping you in for the night to monitor you,” Maverick says and you can’t help but groan. 

They haven’t found anything wrong, what could change in a night? 

Apparently lots, but that’s besides the point.

You’re passed out again for maybe fifteen minutes, the click of the door opening awakening you. 

“Bagman,” you deadpan, and he gives a mock two finger salute. 

“Dammit, you’re not dead. Thought I was going to slide into the number one spot.” 

“Alive and well, thanks for your concern.” 

Hangman is happy that Coyote isn’t present, or he’d expect some ‘Oh, he was concerned alright’ comment, exposing him in his lies. He walks over to one of the chairs by the springy hospital bed and happily takes a seat.

“What’s new?” 

“These lovely tubes, the soothing beeps, and this military issued bed that’s actually a little comfortable.” 

He grins at that last one, knowing the pain of springy bunk beds all too well. Honestly though, he’s just glad you’re alive, and he’s a man on a mission, a mission to get you out of here as soon as possible. Maverick didn’t tell him much, so he had no idea how long you’d be in the hospital.

“I don’t know, it looks a little small,” 

“You say that as if the gymnastic mats we get are any bigger.” You scoff jokingly, and he grins again.

Normally, Hangman is all talk and it’s hard to enjoy being with someone like that. His mere -measly- little presence is enough to make you roll your eyes, especially when he says something that’s completely dicked. Now, he’s letting his ego deflate a little, and he’s convincing himself that it’s because he’s caught you in a moment of weakness. Hangman has already won, what more does he need to do? 

Coyote would disagree.

He’s shaking his head a little, eyes closed. 

“Ah man, you kill me. You really do.” 

“Finally.” 

“Still a dick, even on your deathbed.”

“We both know you’d be worse, Seresin.” 

He can’t even argue, because he most definitely would be worse. He’s imagining what he’d do in that situation, and he’d probably be happy that he beat a fellow pilot to inevitable demise. If he can win at anything, he’ll take it.

He’s smiling, that stupid cocky little smile that he always does, but maybe less arrogance written on his face than usual. It’s replaced by a bit of joy. 

“So, why’d you come?” You say, and his head starts to spin. He’s trying to think of excuses, but it doesn’t really work so he just settles on telling you the truth. “I don’t know, I was worried I guess.” 

You roll your eyes at that one. 

“I am honored that you in all your glory, Lieutenant, would worry about me.”

“You’re high ranking in my heart,” He says, and that makes your face go a little red. You blame it on the fact that you tried to hold the laughter in. He can’t help but laugh with you, partially at his own stupidity, and partially out of happiness. He did complete his ‘mission’ after all. You’re grinning, and clutching your chest while trying to regain your breath. 

“Feeling better already?” He questions

“Definitely. Just being around you has cured me of all my ailments.” 

“Laughter is the best medicine,” 

You’re expecting him to leave at any moment now- thinking he came in just to push your buttons a little bit to your surprise, he stays. He keeps talking to

you- and it’s one of those rare cases where you actually enjoy talking to Jake.

Who knew that all it would take to make Hangman a pleasant presence is a near death experience? 

“I was scared,” you admit, and Hangman’s eyes widened a little bit. You weren’t expecting to tell him that- you weren’t expecting to tell anyone that, but after a few hours of talking it just spilled out. It wasn’t unlike much of the other word vomit you’d shared. “It’d take one crazy son of a bitch not to be scared.” Jake says, and you smile meekly. It’s almost as if he’s admitting something himself. 

The hospital staff practically has to kick him out because now he’s just talking to you about nothing in particular, and the weirdest part about it is he can’t stop- maybe he’s setting the scene, telling you about how your friends were worried (but he was completely cool, calm, and collected) when your engine failed. Maybe he’s telling you about the celebration when Mav announced the sight of a parachute- or he’s just telling you about how the rest of training went. 

He’s being honest, telling you about how he felt throughout the day, but he leaves out his feelings on the engine malfunction. 

It feels oddly vulnerable and new to him, and he’s not sure he’ll ever tell anyone how scared and helpless he felt.

When he leaves though, he leaves you with a wave and a small smile, and your heart rate begins to go a little faster- the monitor exposing you.

“Hey hey hey! You about gave me a heart attack yesterday,” Phoenix says, greeting you in all of your un-hospitalized glory. You give her a grin as the rest of your fellow pilots come up to say hi. 

One person hangs back, Hangman. 

He’s thinking he already talked to you enough. He spent hours in the hospital, and he’s hoping that you aren’t going to say anything. He’d be in for some mocking ‘jokes’ from Bradshaw if that were the case. His little charade is ongoing until you pop up next to him and make an off handed comment about his appearance, something like “Couldn’t get enough of me, huh?” and then the teasing begins.  

He’s geared up, getting ready to fly the course for this super special mission when Coyote pops up next to him. Hangman is internally groaning. If anybody is going to say some ego-bruising, self-image shattering comment, it’s Coyote. Then he just stares at Jake- “Man, you’re whipped.” 

Jake stares back incredulously. Whipped isn’t a word he would even think could be used to describe him, but he stays silent.

“Man, I knew it!” He says, and he’s hitting Jake on the back. 

“No way in hell am I ‘whipped’” He says, adding in finger quotes for that extra bit of emphasis. 

“You can tell yourself that all you want, Hang. We all know it’s true, and it’s a matter of time before you realize. Before she realizes.” Rooster adds, walking into the room. 

“Shut up Bradshaw.” 

Hangman rolls his eyes, finishes zipping up his flight suit, and leaves. 

Maverick immediately knows something is up. Hangman’s usual instinct to fly fast hasn’t kicked in- he’s actually doing pretty well, as far as not “crashing” into walls goes. He’s about halfway through the course when it finally hits him, and he can’t control his flying as well as usual. His head is a bit cloudy, and he isn’t focusing on the track in his nav system. 

He almost goes headfirst into one of the canyon walls, narrowly avoiding it by pulling up into “SAM territory”. 

“Hangman, you’re dead.” He hears, and he curses. He knows that Maverick is going to scold him, and frankly, he isn’t in the mood. The worst part about it all though? Bradshaw did better than him.

“Why are you dead?” 

“I don’t know, sir.” He says, answering semi-honestly. He’s not going to expose himself to the rest of the class, but he also isn’t entirely sure why he ‘died’. 

“That’s not good enough. Why are you dead?” 

“I pulled up to avoid hitting a wall.”

“Why were you going to hit the wall in the first place?” 

“I don’t know, sir.” 

Maverick just sighs, pinches the bridge of his nose and stops talking. The room is eerily silent until he tells the next pilots to get moving, and says “Seresin, come here.” 

You can't make out what Maverick says, other than a whisper of “What’s got you so distracted, kid?” 

You’re watching them intently when Hangman finally sits back down, and Maverick turns his attention back to the simulated course on screen. 

When the last group of failures gets back, everyone’s gone in the air and Captain Mitchell is not having any of it. 

“I suggest all of you get over whatever is distracting you and learn to fly the damn course! Dismissed.”

When you leave base, your head is pounding. Getting yelled at is never fun, and in light of recent events, it makes it worse. Not that you’re not used to yelling- The Navy is a whole lot of yelling. You, logically, know Maverick means well, but damn that was harsh, especially since the spiel was directed at Hangman. 

He washes his face, and body, with cold water but the shower does little to ease his racing mind. Then, he gets the bright idea to get it out of his system in the form of a confession. 

You hear the pounding on the door of your military-issued housing and you groan. The door opens with a loud screech, and you’re surprised to find Jake Seresin standing outside, hair still wet. 

“Seresin, what can I do for you?” You say with a smile, and sure, if this had been 3 days earlier you definitely would have told home to go home, or get lost. The turn around shocked even you, all because of a hospital visit. 

“Hear me out on this one, I really like you a lot and I think that’s why I came to the hospital. I was really scared, and I tried not to tell you about how I felt but…” At this point, you’re zoned out. His lips keep moving, and you keep staring at them. “When are you going to kiss me?” He hears, cutting through his rant. It takes you a moment to realize you’ve said it aloud, but you definitely notice when Jake's eyes are wide open, glued to your lips too.

It’s the first time in a long time that he’s felt nervous about kissing someone, so he’s glad when you tug the collar of his shirt and pull him towards you. 

“Fina-fucking-ly” you say, and he laughs a little bit, chasing your lips again.

[musashi]

very sorry if youre getting this twice my wifi lost connection the first time i hit send so im asking again in case didnt get through. its a relief to see you say writers block is just a state of mind issue! do you have any advice for people who are still stuck in it to stop being that way? what part of my thinking has to change to get better? and this has nothing to do with the topic but thank you for being one of the few mayomei sickfic writers in western fandom! finally some good fucking food

honestly its a hard thing to advise because i quite literally just brute force 90% of things in my life out of spite. but i think just internalizing it is a good first step?

like. writer's block is. how do i phrase this. it's just a term we have invented for feeling "stuck." which can be useful, except... it has now kind of taken on a life of its own, where people kind of talk about it as if it is... a condition? something that you can "come down with" so to speak. but in reality all it means is that you are stuck. something isn't working.

why are you stuck?

that's the thing to figure out. some people get stuck by many things. some people are only ever stuck via one thing. but when you chalk it up to "writer's block" what you are basically doing is giving yourself an excuse to not examine it further. you are saying to yourself, well, it's writer's block, hopefully it passes soon. and you are taking away the agency from yourself to help it pass, giving yourself over to the whim of it. you are relenting.

i am bad at relenting.

this goes hand in hand with the other thing that annoys me to hear people talk about--"inspiration." a lot of writers consider this to be an opposite of writer's block, so to speak. sometimes its inspiration, sometimes its motivation, but much like with writer's block, they consider it this kinda nebulous cloud that settles over them and oh! suddenly they can create!

this, again, takes away the writer's agency. they are simply at the behest of writer's block and its opposite, motivation. internalizing this mindset pretty much guarantees that your output will stagger. that terrifies me. the idea that i must go long swaths of time waiting to feel "inspired" or "motivated" sounds like hell. writing, creating, making something is what keeps me alive, and i think if i stopped i'd die.

so, once again i reiterate: what writer's block is, is a writer being stuck. the writer needs to unpack why they are stuck. instead of just saying 'oh lol its writer's block' and leaving it at that.

for me, what i thought was "writer's block" was actually perfectionism and a dissatisfaction with how the story looked in my head vs how it came across on paper. i felt the words i was putting on the page did not match the story i wanted to tell, and i would lock up and feel foggy and uninspired. but when i did that, i was angry, because it felt like giving up, and i fucking hate giving up. i hate failing even more than i hate being stumbling and imperfect.

more than that, i was writing nothing. i came to a conclusion: as i grew as a writer, my standards would shift and change. therefore, there will never exist a timeline where i am 100% satisfied and proud of everything i've ever written. furthermore, this paralytic fear of not telling the story i wanted to tell meant i wasn't telling a story at all. i was setting myself up to fail regardless, so i may as well tell a story while i do it.

the choice came down to, write hundreds of shitty words that were not up to my own (impossible) standard, or write nothing and hope and pray that one day i feel "inspired" enough to get the story in my head out. from a purely logistical standpoint, i think anyone can see which outcome is favourable.

and then i wrote stuff. and, uh, it turns out literally no one feels the same about my writing as i do. i think it sucks shit but everyone else LOVES it and thinks its top tier. which, again, just logically that tells me that my opinion is biased--i'm sitting with the story all day, so it looks predictable and uninspired to me. but no one else has that viewpoint. everyone else is just eating that shit like candy. again, just logistically, this makes it a lot easier to talk down the voice in my head that says i'm not making good enough art. i can just give it a chocolate candy and be like, calm down, little thing. clearly i am.

so to loop it back around: writer's block is just a term people use as a crutch to avoid examining why they feel unable to write. i personally found that saying instead what i am actually struggling with literally instead of chalking it up to some nebulous affliction made me a much more productive writer. i have a general word count i want to make every day and regardless of how i'm feeling i try my best to hit it. and thats why i can just write 45645645 fics all the time like it's nothing.

anyways THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i will write mayomei forever if people keep talking to me abt it. they are so precious to me

[anti-endo-haven]

vent

hey okay so. one of my friends just made me really fucking mad actually

i was talking about guns (because another friend was designing one for an oc) and i offhandedly said "my dad was a cop and is also a veteran! i'm not bragging about that. i'm just glad he taught me the things i know now" because you know i really do like guns and i like shooting ranges and i like knowing about weapons and stuff man because it's just cool. i think it's cool.

and this friend that pissed me off, goes "oh it's cringe that your dad was those things but it's cool he taught you about guns"

and i. okay. look. if anyone has a problem with the choices my dad made in his past, it's me. trust me i'm queer and trans of course i have fucking issues with it. but he's my dad. i can also understand that the life he was subjected to ultimately led to making those poor decisions. he used to be like me. he used to be radicalized because he had experienced police brutality firsthand. he was abused, at home, at school, in public by unhinged strangers, criminals, and police alike. he was a failure to his family and he genuinely felt like his only option was to sell away his youth to the fucking military. he was in operation desert storm and he NEVER came home the same. all because he desperately wanted to make people proud of him for something he wasn't instead of them just accepting him for who he was, and that was WRONG both on his end and theirs.

i'm not gonna sit here and talk about my dad's trauma like it's mine but i'm also not gonna say there weren't a lot of factors that made him make those decisions that he genuinely thought were right especially because mental health resources were and still ARE very stigmatized.

but it just pissed me off. that's my dad. i love him very much and i can criticize his choices because i know what happened to him to make him that way. i know that if things were different he'd be in a much better place and god i wish that were the case because he's my fucking dad

idk. it really REALLY made me angry. there's nuance here somewhere, i don't have the words. i will never defend my dad's actions full stop i'm really embarrassed that he was a cop at all. i don't even like talking about it unless necessary. because people will always act like i'm defending the things he did or defending cops or defending the military if i say "hey don't fucking talk about my dad that way ever again please". do you support billionaires just because your mom works at walmart??? jesus fucking christ.

i don't have to hate my dad to hate the things he did

Okay, so. That’s your dad first and foremost. Full stop. That’s all it takes and that’s all that matters.

The job he has/had does not matter right now. Your family was criticized and that can hit hard.

And, honestly, it’s better to learn from someone that has training with guns to tell you everything you need to know and to keep you safe. That’s not a bad thing.

I’m sorry that your father had to go through what he did, but just because of those choices, it doesn’t make him any more or less human, it doesn’t make him any less good. He’s human. We all make choices we can regret later on or will look back on and say “why did I do this?” even if it was something that wasn’t really a choice.

That’s still your father and it’s perfectly okay to defend him because that’s family.

That friend sounds extremely rude and I hope things can get worked out.

If anyone wants to harass anon because of their father’s working areas, I’m deleting those comments and any reblogs saying anything negative is going to be me blocking your account. Look past the job and look at the man underneath who is teaching his kid gun safety with this post. Nothing else.

[mylevisdontfitanymore]

Imagine with Stucky, one of them (I always think Bucky, but it can be Steve too!) has recently realized that he wants to be fat, and so he makes it his goal

Being fat is so important to Bucky that, while he doesn't want to end their relationship, if Steve wants to leave bc of the weight gain, it'll be on amicable terms

Turns out Steve doesn't care at all! He loves Bucky for who he is. He doesn't really think he's into it, either, and it doesn't effect him. At least, not until Bucky starts to get really big. Like struggling to stand up, walking with a waddle. And it gets Steve so hard to see him struggle, or to hear him breathe heavily just from adjusting himself on the couch

There's one night in particular when Bucky is pounding down a massive fast food dinner (maybe it's a celebration for hitting a weight milestone? Maybe he's just hungry?), and he says out loud "god, I can feel my heart racing just from eating" but he doesn't sound upset about it, just keeps stuffing his face

Steve pops a massive boner then and there, and later that night when he has to help Bucky waddle ponderously to bed, he timidly asks if he can fuck him

Steve never participated in the stuffings before aside from helping to carry in the food and then helping Buck waddle to bed (when he could stand), so Bucky was doing the weight gain thing solo for a while. It took him about a year and a half to get to 400 lbs, which is when Steve realized how into it he is. So he starts to join the stuffings, starts to make really fattening shakes to go with Bucky's every meal, wakes him up in the middle of the night to funnel one down Bucky's throat. And he balloons

It's honestly obscene how fast Bucky gains. Originally, he figured that somewhere between 800 and 900 would be when immobility would set it, bc when he was gaining solo, the weight piled on slower and his body was able to adjust better. But with Steve's help, Bucky gets too fat too fast, and by 650 he can't stand without assistance, and he has to use a cane or walker bc of how cumbersome his legs are

When he hits 700, he and Steve stuff him full to bursting and then fuck. The next morning when Bucky is empty and ready for breakfast, he realizes he can't stand up, not even with the rail they installed by his bed. When Steve eventually manages to help Bucky stand, he wobbles and groans and can hardly take a full step forward. So, he can stand still. But he can't walk. Even with his walker, his hips are too wide and his belly too big, Bucky's shorter arms can't reach to grab the handles. When they try the cane, it snaps under him after the first step and he almost falls, but Steve catches him and helps him back into bed

So he's immobile, and still growing at a fast rare, faster now even, since he can hardly move. But the bigger he gets, the less he can do, the more inconveniencing all of this fat is on his body is for him, the more turned on Steve gets

Nothing against you, anon, but the part about having his heart race just from eating isn't for me - it's close to that line of fetishizing medical issues that can be caused by massive weight gain which just isn't my personal thing.

That being said, I feel like this idea is just too good not to post! The mobility struggles and funnel feeding is 🤌🏻🤌🏻🤌🏻 So, I'm releasing it into the wild for everyone else to enjoy even though I didn't really comment on it too much! 👀😅

[noxexistant]

OKAY BUT WHY ARE YOU GONNA FREAKING TEASE US LIKE THAT. ARE YOU DIAGNOSING THE DELANCEYS OR NOT?!

IM SORRY i was too busy fully crying over the overwhelming response encouraging me to keep talking about my blorbos :’) i got very in my own head that i was being annoying, particularly about the delanceys, but hearing SO MANY PEOPLE ask to hear more is so wild n lovely n auuuuughhh i love you all

ANYWAY. we’re pulling the boys out of the blender to psychoanalyse them for once

cw; talk of food issues, abuse, substance abuse, plus all the usual stuff for my delancey interpretations

it’s rambling time

first of all, oscar.

he absolutely has symptoms of antisocial personality disorder, to start us off.

antisocial personality disorder, like bpd, can be caused both genetically and by abuse/neglect/instability during childhood, and details such as parents abusing alcohol or other substances can factor in. i headcanon both the delanceys’ parents to have abused alcohol, and particularly their mother to have been bipolar, which affects their upbringing and their own genetics/vulnerability to mental illness.

oscar is just so angry, all the time, as a child - nothing is fair, nothing is okay, and there isn’t even anything he can do about it. it’s this crushing sense of frustration and fear and helplessness. even at school, even when he’s really, honestly trying his best, he can’t pay attention. he knows he’s incredibly lucky to be going to school at all - morris’ll never go - but that just means he’s in trouble there as well as at home. he gets caned at school and then comes home to get beat. it’s not fair. nobody listens, nobody treats him well, but he has to look after morris anyway even though nobody’s ever looked after him.

the anger calcifies as he gets older. solidifies into this mass that sits inside him, taking up all the space for anything good. he becomes aggressive and impulsive, and learns to stop caring about other people because none of them can be trusted - enough people have proven themselves awful, his parents and everyone on the streets and snyder and the other kids in the refuge and weasel, so he’ll stop trying and trust they’re all the same. even someone who might not be a threat is probably worthless and useless, he has nothing to gain from doing anything but getting them out of the way, and oscar recognises his hypocrisy because he used to think similar things about morris, but morris is different.

morris is a part of oscar. he isn’t an outsider, he isn’t like anybody else, he’s the only thing in the entire world worth caring about, and oscar does. he doesn’t feel anything when he hurts or scares anyone else, at most feels a sense of satisfaction, but his stomach drops out when he accidentally scares or hurts morris, by shouting at him or moving too fast or doing one of the things that makes morris go empty-eyed and far away. oscar feels sick with guilt then - really, physically sick with it, like it’s surrounding the black mass of his anger and there isn’t enough space for it and it all just starts spilling out - and he doesn’t know how to cope. he doesn’t know how to stomach his love for morris. especially not when it has to sit next to all the anger like that. he tries so hard to keep the two away from each other, but he still gets angry at morris often, although nowhere near as often as he gets aggressive with anybody else. he hits morris sometimes, even though he really doesn’t mean to, and morris always says it’s okay. he says he’s not scared of oscar, not really, no matter what, because they’re them - the two of them, one entity. they’re entirely codependent.

morris has borderline personality disorder. which is also influenced by his autism - these two types of black-and-white thinking and sense of justice and general perception of the world, feeding into each other and creating a sense of isolation that keeps him away from everyone but oscar. oscar’s the only person who can be trusted, and morris loves him more than anything - way, way more than he loves himself, which is not at all. every part of morris, his moods and emotions and his worth and his willingness to do anything, ride wholly on oscar’s mood at that moment and how he’s treating morris. morris is far more likely to hurt himself if oscar is upset with him or not talking to him, which oscar knows, so once they’ve been in the refuge for a while he stops being upset with morris for any longer than the duration of one of his outbursts. he won’t let morris hurt himself anymore, will often encourage morris to hit him instead of hitting himself when he’s upset or frustrated.

still, morris is forever terrified that oscar will leave him just like ma and pa did, so he tries to be good. he tries to always agree with oscar, and keeps quiet when oscar’s having a bad turn, and he doesn’t get mad back even when oscar hits him, though that’s also in part because he can’t. the second morris gets hit like that, he shuts down - thinking about pa - and then everything’s gone for a few hours, maybe a day if it’s really bad. he’s lost months to dissociation before, whole years with only brief glimpses of the surface before he went back down, particularly while he and oscar were in the refuge. there’s things that scare him and upset him that he doesn’t understand because they’re parts of memories he doesn’t remember. he has little to no sense of self and no sense of self-worth, he has bouts of being sure he doesn’t need anyone but oscar and bouts of feeling so lonely he can hardly breathe. he feels empty a lot, but also feels angry and sad and desperately scared, and sometimes giddily happy but it never seems to last long. he thinks about dying a lot.

he also definitely has arfid. it’s a mix of a lot of triggers - his autistic sensitivity to foods, all his trauma surrounding food, and low interest in eating anyway because he can’t understand his own hunger cues and tends not to really enjoy food. he’s been malnourished his whole life, and largely still is, even nearing adulthood - he won’t eat like oscar does, wolfing down a whole plateful of whatever’s on offer, he can’t. he’s sick if he tries to eat food he doesn’t want, and/or has meltdowns. it terrifies oscar, who is just desperate for morris to eat at least enough to be healthy, but even oscar usually can’t convince morris to eat. he focuses on getting the particular foods that morris does like instead, and always keeping them so that he can get morris to eat a bite or two at a time throughout the day. on morris’ worst days, oscar will get him candy - his favourite, the only thing he’ll always eat - and let him eat that like a meal so he’s at least eating something.

that being said, oscar isn’t great about consuming stuff either. he likes alcohol too much, and he’ll do his damnedest to not drink a drop in front of morris but he’ll often sneak out once he knows morris is asleep and duck into a bar for an hour or two. he drinks like he’s trying to knock himself out, which he usually is. he likes a bar fight too - meaningless, usually, and no-holds-barred. he’ll glass someone for saying anything bad about his brother, or anything good about his parents. he drinks what his father used to, because he knows what it’s called and what it tastes like - he’d used to steal swigs from the bottles left out, when he was a little kid. he’d made morris try too, when he was the age oscar’d been when he first tried, but he’d spat it straight back out. oscar’d laughed at him, but now he’s grateful. morris hurts himself enough without adding drinking to the mix.

both of them have c-ptsd. morris has nightmares every single time he falls asleep for long enough, and doesn’t sleep much because of it. oscar has adhd - it influences his aggression and frustration, this constant burning restlessness that exists within him. he’s deeply impatient with anything he finds boring, which includes most people, and he most commonly “stims” with violence. the vast majority of morris’ stims border on self-harm, and he self-harms to stim too, but he has some positive stims - rocking back and forth, bouncing on his heels, stomping his feet, tracing the edges of objects, echolalia. he chews on things, including his own thumb, which he does both because it feels nice and because it hurts. sometimes that’s the same thing to him. he sucks his thumb too, especially for comfort, which ties into one final detail

morris age regresses, or does something adjacent. it’s this kind of undiagnosable no man’s land between his trauma and autism and developmental disability, but mainly just characterised by vulnerability and childishness. oscar’s the only one who really knows, mostly because he’s the only one who could ever notice, but he gets even more protective when he knows morris is more vulnerable - entirely nonverbal, just stimming and comfort-seeking. that’s when oscar sticks right by morris’ side, not getting restless or seeking out any fights for once, not talking for any reason other than to give morris something to listen to. just…looking after his brother, as best he can.

[co-mixed]

Let's Chat About those Guardians

It’s mind-boggling to think how long has it been since we first met the MCU guardians. It’s been 9 years and this third part is meant to be the conclusion. So let’s gush. No reviewing, no goods or bads, let’s just chat about the movie.

I was supposed to watch it on May 3 but a tragic event forced the theaters to postpone the premiere. So it took a week of dodging the spoilers. And you know what? That was incredibly easy this time, despite my following a bunch of comic book accounts and casually browsing Tumblr and Reddit. Nothing was spoiled but everyone warned me I’ll be crying. I didn’t, I sobbed but I didn’t cry.

Like many millennials (so it seems), I don’t take animal abuse lightly and gotg goes out of its way to show you how sweet and trusting they are. Which makes the story of Rocket and his friends so much more heartbreaking. It’s hard to watch and it’s impossible to look away. So before I go into detail about everything else I loved, I have to mention that this was tough. The flashbacks, while impeccably done and masterfully sprinkled all over the movie, kept hitting over and over. It really made me wanna hug my cats tight (which I of course did when I returned from the theater.)

Now to the rest of it. 

We got a new villain. He’s not a galactic threat, he does his own thing an would’ve been easily ignored had it not been for his personal ties to Rocket. But this is exactly what I keep saying I love about comics and what I miss dearly when heroes are facing off a huge mega villain. It works best when it’s personal and you can get away with that easily whenever you put in time to develop your characters. 

Characters

Guardians have no lack in development: if you look at them, each one has made a journey from a little-known and almost discarded 616 c-lister to a highly recognized hero. And from a misfit to a family member.

But despite this being very much a Rocket story, I see this found family narrative brought home mostly by Gamora. We don’t see her story, not this Gamora’s anyway. But we see her having found her place among the ravagers. And it’s so heartwarming. She’s not the same Gamora who died on Vormir and it’s being mentioned over and over again. She even gets falsely nostalgic over the possibility of being with the guardians but her home is not there. And I appreciate her being a little closer to her comics counterpart- the deadliest woman in the galaxy.

It’s beautiful that she keeps in touch with her sister. And it’s beautiful that Nebula, initially a side character, in the best traditions of writing, makes the longest and the most complex journey from a maniac at Thanos’s side to a caring family member and the leader of Knowhere. This reminds you that several appearances if done right, can build an arc. Sort of like Anne in the Buffyverse.

Quill works through his issues, and he has a lot of those. I honestly don’t know when and why he will return but it sure will be nice to watch him in a fresh new team-up. Previous movies always focused on him more, and it made sense at the time (comics tend to do the same) but him returning to Earth is definitely a twist. Not exactly unexpected, just interesting. He managed to avoid it and he seemed to have made peace with never going back there but I suppose to face his issues he had to return. This could’ve been overlooked but I love that it isn’t. 

Drax and Mantis- what a fun friendship they’ve built. I’m so glad we saw tons of it in the Christmas special and it built the way for the touching arc and finale here in gotg 3. I don’t see any good reason for them to part, really. So this is just sad. I hope they at least keep in touch. But honestly, Mantis definitely has room for more stories (so does Drax, I mean we gotta see Moondragon eventually, especially with Phyla showing up, and even with retcons in mind, she could still be his kid). 

But all in all, these are the two characters that pretty much carry the comedy with each interaction. And in vol.3 they literally never fail to deliver. And notice how comedy mostly comes from phrases and interactions amid tragic and serious events.

This movie has a lot going on and Adam Warlock could’ve easily been too much. But I like how they managed to make him a reasonable part of the story and he even got his own little arc. I mean, he is an amazing character in the comics and brings some quality stories to be told. 

The new Guardians lineup has potential and so far, that’s the only thing I can say because I’m not a fan of theorizing. And we don’t really know if they will return but they may. I mean anything is possible right? But even if they don’t, I like knowing they’re all out there somewhere. 

Is it too naive to still hope to see Nova/Gamora romance? I’m a sucker for a good ship and theirs was in my opinion the best one as far as Gamora’s concerned. So here’s still hoping. 

Story

Yeah, the story overall. Like I said, a lot is going on and somehow it all still works. Because every little story and side quest actually builds the whole bigger picture. Even though it was so easy to fall into the same trap TRoS did (I’ll never get over how bad that movie is.) 

But in this case, every story is given enough time to matter and not a single minute is wasted on an irrelevant cameo or fam service. In fact, there aren’t that many references to the bigger 199999 (oh yeah that’s never gonna be 616.) It feels like its own thing, even though it’s tied heavily to Infinity War and Endgame. Still, you experience it as part 3. With the logical conclusion to every character. It also doesn’t set up anything, so if you don’t like movies that serve as building blocks for the MCU, this one is right up your alley. It’s very much its own thing. Although you have to come from the house that is the Infinity Saga. 

It’s funny as hell, it makes you tear up, and it leaves you happy and excited. This is all you can possibly want from a movie. As long as you don’t forget that this isn’t a retelling of the comics, but really its own reality. 

[pepsitwist]

double or nothing predictions

i am. completely utterly uncertain about so much of this. these will be my worst predictions yet mark my words. also these aren’t (for the most part) the ones i WANT to win, just who i think WILL win. idk. i’ve been so bad with predictions lately

BUY IN the hardy’s & hook vs the gunns & ethan page - the hardy’s & hook take this because. obviously they do. this is a no brainer

House of Black vs TBA - House of Black. whoever it ends up being, it’s gotta be hob. they only just started the house rules stuff and there’s so much they can do with it.

blackjack battle royale - come on man there are 21 of them… the chances of choosing the right guy are so low… i would say ricky, but i think ricky will get taken out by jay and juice. jay and juice won’t win because they’re in a thing with ricky and therefore won’t have time for a new title. swerve, cage, keith, and dustin will take each other out. neither of the lucha bros need this win. honestly? it feels like either orange retains or kip sabían wins. im lukewarm on kip but he’s got nothing else going on right now, and he’s kept up his issues with orange on twitter and stuff. plus he has butcher and the blade on his team to keep best friends off his back. but honestly, this whole match feels like a toss up. and i don’t want orange to lose his title tonight, because losing it in a battle royale is stupid lol

adam cole vs chris jericho - again, a toss up for me. i’m not confident about a lot of this. it’s hard to imagine them making cole lose his first feud back, but also, it’s chris jericho. we all know what usually happens when we pray that jericho loses lol. no idea, could go either way. but just because I don’t know, i’ll say cole because that’s who i WANT to win.

jade cargill vs taya valkyrie - this is the first time i’ve ever thought someone might beat jade. they’ve built taya up super quickly as someone who is, for the first time, a genuine threat. jade just hit her milestones. but it also feels so odd to just have taya come in all of a sudden and win the title??? idk. originally i had taya down for this but i’m changing it to jade.

ftr vs jay lethal & jeff jarrett - ftr. if ftr doesn’t win i’m putting my hand into my garbage disposal. if i have to see lethal and jarrett walk around with titles in this company i’m gonna lose my fucking mind i would rather die

jamie hayter vs toni storm - i heard hayter is actually injured. so. i’m going storm. just so jamie can heal. which really sucks because i really enjoy jamie as champ, i think she really deserves it.

the elite vs blackpool combat club anarchy in the arena - honestly as hard as it is to say, i’m going elite just because. it’s their first match back together. bcc is the team that makes the most sense to win, but from a writing standpoint, the elite are finally back together and they should be stronger again now that they’re a unit. but i can see it going to bcc obviously as well!!

wardlow vs christian cage - christian cage just because. luchasaurus intervening seems very likely. and wardlow’s tnt champ reigns have been. shaky and quick.

mjf vs jungle boy vs darby allin vs sammy guevara - mjf. come on. any other option is ridiculous lol

[justaredheadf1fan]

Día de los Muertos spirit working its magic

Helloooo!

What’s going on, people? Let’s see what today brings. Honestly, the last few race weekends have made me think about how I want to handle my posts for next season, seeing that we’re just 2 races and a half away from the winter break. I’ll make a post about it when I have a clearer picture.

For now let’s go with FP3.

Nothing going on in the first minutes of FP3 really until Mick’s spin off track. Luckily he didn’t hit the barriers and it all looks fine for now.

Alonso going off track too minutes after Mick did, and also without any further incidents, no barriers involved. Lucky day today, so far at least. Other than this, Mick P8 is maybe the highlight at the moment.

George is P1, STOP THE COUNT! So it ends with the Merc boys on top, which is amazing news if they can keep it up in Quali.

——————————

Finally we got to Quali! Thank God I’m having a coffee meanwhile. So, 12 minutes to go and Mick P1 and Kevin P2, STOP THE COUNT!!!!

I’ve just seen @suicide-inthe-trenches hearing that Lewis starts his lap and going like:

Anyway, so Mick’s latest time was deleted due to track limits. For fuck’s sake. I hope he gets through with another good time, the Haas boys have been doing good… aaaaaand no. Shit. Only Kevin went through to Q2. Seb didn’t either 🥲 He sounded so disappointed, my poor man…

Here it comes Q2 and with it comes Lewis bringing the party to us today. I truly hope he gets it all today. It’s time.

Checo P12 is a wet dream I wish comes true. I’d be so hilarious. But I’m aware is most likely… not gonna happen. I’ll just 🤞🏻 anyway. Well, what else is new.

Carlos’ car sounds so weird, as did Charles’ in FP3. It’s not. Avery good sign for the race tomorrow, honestly. And then there’s Lewis in P1, maintaining his result from early Q2.

The time for Q3 has come. Only two more to go this season. In a very intense and fun circuit. Hope it brings some joy.

The start of this was disheartening but now Lewis comes up in P2, and now Giorgio takes his place. And Lewis’ time taken away. And now he’s reporting power issues. Fun-fucking-tastic. The Merc admin waiting to see what happens is us right now.

Lewis goes back out, hoping that everything works out for once this season. This guy deserves it, Destiny. You fucking owe it to him already.

The Ferrari is still making weird noises, I don’t like it. And Lewis starting badly…. George’s lap deleted… No no no. Thank goodness George and Lewis will start P2 and P3 respectively, it gives me hope and we’re closer now. It’s a good sign.

And what do we think about this Mexican version of the F1 theme? Because personally I love it.

Poor George he really is so sad while talking to Coulthard 😭 Poor Giorgio, he deserves so much, he did such a great job as well today, it’s a shame none of the guys got what they deserved today after all their hard work.

Just one jab towards Fraudstappen, who does he think he is with the golden helmet and the 2 stars? Maybe Sir Lewis Hamilton? You wish, kid.

Anywho. Tomorrow should be interesting or insufferable, one of two options. Can’t wait to see my first Mexican GP.

Peace out until tomorrow!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

unsanitary

.

.

.

i think i have hit a point where my mental state is bad enough that i don't even have the energy to wash off menstruation blood that drenches my underwear lmao. it's been almost 24 hours and all i did was lie down, not caring about the mess down there. this is a new low for me. i thought not bathing for a week was bad enough, so i didn't expect my exhaustion to reach an even lower point.

damn. i have no official diagnoses (because the one time i tried to seek help, i chickened out from admitting my struggles, since a lot of them manifested in hygiene issues. mainstream mental illness acceptance only acknowledges crying in the dark (which isn't exactly accepted either, i'm well aware. i have that as a symptoms myself. i know the acceptance is mostly performative). but people don't even want to those with hygiene issues even performatively, so yeah.), so i honestly doubt myself a lot and think that what i'm experiencing is just normal human experience. but i don't think the average human would stand having menstruation blood for almost a day and would do their best to overcome their disgust, so yeah. then again, i have never been the most sanitary person (i really struggle a lot with hygiene since i was a kid, so maybe i just developed extreme tolerance towards stuff like this), so i'm not surprised that even this isn't enough to kickstart my motivation and energy to shower.

honestly, it's funny. one blessing in this situation is that i feel zero internalized shame. it is what it is, grossness doesn't diminish my worth as a human being. it just is. but i do fear judgment from others, so i always keep this part of my self secret, even to mental health professionals. and sometimes i also think, if hygiene issue was such a normal part of my life, does it even count as a proof that i'm struggling? as in, if a math genius suddenly struggles with it, there's probably something wrong with them. however, if they've always been bad at math, then them not being able to answer a math question probably doesn't indicate anything serious... maybe? something like this, but with me and hygiene issues.

i don't know what i even want about this ask. i just wanted to let it out, i guess? i have a lot of stuff that i desperately want to let out and vent about, but this one is one of the things i genuinely can't see anyone receiving well without judging me, so i might as well let it out anonymously

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through.

It can definitely be hard to admit your struggles, especially when there's a worry someone may find it shameful or gross, even though you have nothing to feel ashamed about. What you're experiencing is real and valid.

Please know you're not alone. Hygiene has also been a big issue for me due to depression, and I agree that this subject should be alongside societal discussions about depression.

I think it's good that you don't feel any internalized shame about this, because you don't have to, nor would it be productive. You're right that this doesn't diminish your worth as a human being. That being said, your fears of judgment are valid and common. When I took Intro to Counseling last semester, the professor asked by a show of hands how many people were afraid of being judged, and everyone raised their hands. What might be helpful to ask yourself is, what is it about being judged that you might be afraid of? Because someone judging you for this doesn't mean they're necessarily right to do so, or that you should feel ashamed about what you're going through. You may find helpful this article on REBT's concept of irrational ideas, particularly the bullet points for the first one.

I hope things have gotten better since you wrote in. Feel free to let us know how things have been going.

If anyone else has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[yeah-they-call-me-d]

honestly, i have tried to not let it bother me but the fact that k was already dating someone 2 months after we broke up is kind of atrocious to me. what was the point of making s scene. waking me up 6 am to yell at me and realize you absolutely fucked me. you had bitches lined up bro. YOU KNEW this shit was over too. you wouldNt have been makin your fucking contingency plan. or maybe you negated to listen when i would say “i just don’t feel like we’re close anymore” and then you proceed to do nothing. i don’t even care that you did nothing, honestly, it isn’t the part that bothers me. it’s you doing nothing but proceeding to pretend to give s fuck and then instantly a day later you’re on dating apps. yeah what i did was gross, but at least it was someone that i have genuinely loved/been in love with. honestly; maybe mine is worse. i went into a relationship knowing i was still in love with someone else. i took the option that felt safer to me. in all honesty, it really wasn’t much more safe because i look at shit i have posted, old text convos with cara, with a*****, and i was so unhappy. the fact that of all the things i said. the thing that i said to a***** about i would never marry someone without a prenup, and you saying that hurt the most to me really fucked me up.

i don’t get that honestly. why the fuck were you with me? i’m so tired of feeling like the mother fucker that can help get people out of bad situations. honestly, at this point, i probably don’t even have the right to ask. the thing is you hate HIM for agreeing with me. brother, i have so much to lose and i don’t trust that a singular person actually fucking likes me. also, to be completely honest, you can be upset about what i said to *******, but what in the actual fuck are you doin in my phone lookin at what a***** and i are fuckin talking about. i lost every single person in my life defending you in our relationship. i’m lucky that ****** came in and swooped me into a solid friend group because they have done a really good job of keeping me stable. my boy j**** on the other hand has stoked the fire within me to do everything i shouldn’t.

i am so tired of things interfering with my life. i am so tired of me, myself, being the biggest interference. imagine i had just shut my fucking mouth. imagine that i just let it fucking go and left you alone. maybe you would have come back. i keep shooting myself in the foot because i freak the fuck out. i pushed you so far away by never being able to shut my fucking mouth with you. i have truly devolved into exactly what i have been avoiding for so long. i wish i could have continued on the same path of never loving and maybe things would be better. i fell in love with the thing i could never have. to love you has been the best and worst feelings i have ever had. to love you and be around you was a feeling i’ve never experienced. it was happiness. contentment. to love you and be away from you was the worst fucking thing i have ever experienced. there were times before this year that it hurt, but this time around hit me far differently. i think that’s probably because for the first time, i realized that every single issue was always my fault. you tried your best and i was never content with that. but then, i get confused because your worst with other people was sometimes better than the best of what i got. i fell so deeply in love with you that the more you pushed the more i pulled. you did not like that. you ask for space over and over and over again. why can i leave everyone alone for eternity and feel nothing, then it comes to you and my foundation starts to crack. you aren’t responsible for holding my ass together. why do i let that be the case? why do i put this weird pressure on you that i need you? why do i need you? i have gone so long being okay with being alone. i sat in a five year relationship having a physical body, but being completely alone in my mind. why this time, did i cling so hard to you? it was never fair to you. none of this ever was. i am undeserving of your love. i am 26. i act like a 16 year old emotionally.

why do i have to be in love with you? i really don’t understand this. i don’t want to love. all that this has done has made me hurt myself. compare myself to others. try to be what you want. i don’t even know who i am half of the time. i am tired of having two voices in my head and neither of them feel like me. for some reason, being around you made me feel more myself than i have been in so long. i have never been comfortable where i land. everytime i end somewhere new it feels uncomfortably foreign. why can you see through my façade? i don’t want to be seen. why can you see through it, but no one else can? i feel i have given you less of a taste than others, but you still call me out immediately before i even realize i am doing something. why do you make me feel understood? why is it that in a room full of people, i can feel completely alone, but in a room with just you i feel full inside? what is wrong with me?

i’ve never thought that i was actually capable of being in love. i didn’t know love was an emotion in my repertoire. i thought that i had a heart of stone. i thought i could manipulate my way through life, never actually having to feel. there has never been a desire to feel. i can tell you that i have gone the majority of my life not feeling. it was always concerning to my mom. in high school i just turned my emotions off. my mom saw the light you created in me. she was never entirely comfortable with me being gay. i would talk to her about you and i could see her recoil at the thought. then one day, it switched. she saw this light inside of me that had been burnt out for so long. it made her happy. it made me feel something. i honestly don’t know that i had ever experienced a real emotion until i met you. i feel like i have always reacted in the way that people around me acted in situations. when people die around me, i don’t cry because i feel something. i cry because i know that’s what you are supposed to do. i have never cried real genuine tears until you left the first time. it sucks even more so because i have done increasingly dangerous things to feel something. or maybe it is stop feeling. how do i turn off what i did not turn on? i don’t even know what switch flipped. i just know it being on is making me a little insane. i wish you would just say you love me. i wish you would just come back. i don’t mind feeling, its nice sometimes, but this has been the opposite of nice. i am so scared and sad and nervous. why, for the love of god, why me?

i’m going to actually follow through and go ghost for a little bit. maybe forever. i just need some silence in my head and i don’t think i am allowing for myself to have that. maybe a week, a month, a year. idrk. i am shattering and i want someone to load the gun so i can pull the trigger. that will tell me it is okay to do. i know a few avenues that i can receive that from so i may go put my nose in more places it doesn’t belong. it won’t feel the same but if i pretend it could be the correct size.

[dudemanauthor]

Hibernation

Author's Note: For a story so old, I'm honestly pretty proud of this one. Sure, it ain't scientifically accurate with the hibernation thing, but with how many people said they really enjoyed the romantic part of this story, in spite of or as a side thing to the kink part, it's hard not to be happy with this one.

“Alright team, our team meeting has begun!” the excitable Ruby Rose cheered, throwing a fist into the air. “That was probably a bit much, since it’s just Yang talking about a thing. So yeah, go Yang,” she added, a little sheepishly. Yang stepped up next to her sister, her little golden-brown bear ears almost burying themselves in her long, flowing blonde hair.

“Alright, Weiss, Blake, there’s something I need to explain to you guys that’s gonna be a really big deal for the next few months,” Yang began. “So, as a bear faunus, I’ve got more bear stuff than just some cute ears and… a little too much Mama Bear protectiveness. I also hibernate, and do other stuff that’s part of hibernating. So, yeah, once the Vytal Festival is over, don’t be shocked if you see me eating crazy amounts of food and getting really fat and then sleeping through winter. Well, not the whole time, but I’m not gonna be doing much else.”

“Wait, I have a question,” Weiss interrupted from her seat on her bed. “How big do you get? And, what happens after you hibernate?”

“Well, I’ve only done it once before, and I didn’t get that big, but I came out of it really skinny. Like, definitely too skinny. If it wasn’t for me keeping most of my muscle I’d look like a skeleton,” Yang explained. “And for the start of spring I’m still pretty out of it, trying to get back up to a normal weight and basically still waking up.”

“Well, perhaps you don’t have to be so involved in the Vytal Festival and can begin preparing to hibernate earlier,” Weiss suggested.

“That might be a good idea. Bear faunus tend to get… unpleasant if they can’t eat enough before they hibernate,” Blake added from next to Weiss. Yang winced at Blake’s comments.

“Yeah, I ended up insanely hungry before I went into hibernation, and maybe a little crabby,” Yang commented, before a moment of realisation hit her. “Wait, was I bad back then?” she asked, turning to Ruby. Ruby looked directly at the ground and quietly responded.

“We almost got in a fight because I ate too many of our cookies.”

“Oh, wow, I am really sorry…” Yang began before Ruby shushed her.

“It’s okay, it was kinda my fault too. I did eat a lot of cookies back then,” Ruby quickly but nervously apologised.

“Well, I think it goes without saying that you have the support of the rest of the team in this,” Weiss said, rising to meet Yang eye to eye, or at least as much as the much shorter Weiss could meet Yang eye to eye. “The Vytal Festival isn’t for a month, so we have time to figure out how to balance that with Yang’s needs. Hopefully we can have another meeting to sort that out before Yang’s appetite becomes an issue.”

“Alright, if no one’s got anything else, meeting adjourned!” Ruby cheered again.

--- 

“Is anyone else starving?” Ruby asked, raising her voice just loud enough to be heard over the commotion of the Vytal Festival’s fairgrounds. The hustle and bustle of stalls and visitors was a lot to work through, but it was nothing for Team RWBY, who had just won their first Vytal Tournament match.

“Do you have to ask?” Yang asked with slightly bitter sarcasm as her bear ears flattened against her head.

“I know you’re always hungry, or at least you are now. I was kinda aiming that question at Weiss and Blake instead,” Ruby said in a submissive tone.

“I may have worked up an appetite,” Blake said, cool as ice. The loud, angry rumbling of a hungry stomach made her point very clear.

“Well, at least my stomach’s not the only one mad at me,” Yang joked. “I’ll see you guys at the noodle stand.” Yang strode off with a fierce purpose, a purpose so strong, she didn’t realise that only Weiss was still following her until they reached the stand and saw Ruby and Blake running after them.

“Sorry, I dropped my wallet. Emerald found it though, so we’re okay,” Ruby called out as she approached the pair.

“Well, it’s good that you still have your wallet, but I think I can afford to pay for our lunch today,” Weiss said in a way that was almost certainly bragging.

“Oh man, you’re gonna regret saying that,” Yang said with a smirk before turning to the elderly shopkeeper. “Biggest bowl you’ve got, please.”

Three orders and a declined card later, Yang was heavily considering eating the very inedible stall itself if nothing else came along. Fortunately for her, her saviours arrived. In reality it was Team JNPR, but for the starving Yang they might as well have been literal angels. As Pyrrha made her very generous offer to help pay for the meals, Yang threw her arms in the air to cheer and celebrate and her ears perked up. She then realised that she may have been gripping the bench in front of her a little too firmly as she saw some hand-shaped indents around the edge of the bench.

When Yang finally got her incredibly large bowl of noodles she tore into it like she hadn’t eaten in weeks. Breakfast that morning certainly felt like it was weeks ago, even though it hadn’t exactly been a light meal. When she finished it, she saw that the rest of her team, as well as Team JNPR were barely half way through their meals. She also noticed that Jaune didn’t seem to be doing so well with his meal.

“You okay there, buddy?” she asked, leaning over towards the struggling blond boy.

“I didn’t know these were so big. I don’t think I can eat with these nerves,” Jaune said weakly.

“Want me to get rid of those for you?” Yang offered. Jaune gave a slow nod and in an instant Yang had snatched up his bowl and was tearing through that too.

When Yang finally finished her second meal, she leaned back and basked in contentment, her hunger finally sated, or at least sated for now. As she leant back, she realised that she had totally missed Team JNPR, as well as Blake and Ruby, leaving. Fortunately, a distracted looking Weiss was still sitting there, spacing out in the general direction of Yang’s midsection, one that Yang realised was looking a little more spherical that she ever expected it to be. Still, there were more important concerns than a round gut.

“Hey, Weiss,” Yang said, snapping her fingers right in Weiss’ face. In reaction, Weiss shook her head and pulled her attention away from Yang’s stomach.

“Sorry, what happened?” Weiss asked sheepishly.

“Hey, no need to apologise. I get it, being broke sucks and your dad’s a jerk, can’t blame you for getting distracted,” Yang reassured with a pat on the back.

“Right, yes, that is why I’m distracted,” Weiss said, somewhat unconvincingly. Yang could tell something else was on her mind, but she didn’t want to push it further out in public. Instead, she spun around and got up off her seat, a little unsteady from the extra weight.

“Well, how about we watch JNPR kick some butt to help get your mind off that,” Yang cheered as she led Weiss away from the fairgrounds and back towards the stadium.

  ---

Yang knew that the inevitable weight gain was going to happen after the festival, but she didn’t expect it to hit her like a truck. She was piling on weight and going up clothing sizes faster than she had ever done before. While she was lucky that the academy allowed her to have free larger uniforms, it was still embarrassing when she outgrew a size in about a week and had to make another trip to the uniform storage room to upsize. Even worse, her combat gear wasn’t covered by the school at all, so it was either cram her growing body into clothes that clearly didn’t fit, or just live in her school uniform. At least, that was the case until Weiss offered to buy clothes for her, explaining that her performance at the Vytal Tournament was enough to get her allowance back. While reluctant, Yang took Weiss up on her offer and every so often Yang found a package of clothes sitting on Weiss’ bed, which she had offered to Yang so Yang didn’t have to climb up to her top bunk.

All of this support from Weiss, as well as the less dramatic support from Ruby and Blake, was a bright spot in Yang’s life, as every other moment was spent trying to ignore the possibility of people talking about her gains behind her back. Everyone else seemed to act so differently around her, all acting like they were trying to avoid the obvious topic, even when it really should have been an unavoidable topic, such as when a button popped off her shirt and hit Professor Goodwitch in the face during a discussion about Yang’s involvement in combat classes. All of that led to Yang spending most of her time in the team’s dorm, with a surprisingly supportive Weiss consistently keeping her company, such as the day Yang hit one hundred kilos.

“It’s okay,” Weiss said softly, rubbing circles across Yang’s back. “We both knew it was going to happen sooner or later.” Yang let out a heavy sigh.

“Yeah, but it’s different once it actually happens. I didn’t even get this big last time I hibernated, and I’ve still got a month and a half to go. How big am I gonna be by the time I go to sleep?” Yang replied in a defeated tone.

“This is all very unlike the Yang Xiao Long I met at the beginning of the year,” Weiss commented.

“Tell me something I don’t know,” Yang grumbled. Weiss thought for a moment.

“How about the fact that Team JNPR offered their support? Were you aware of that?” Weiss asked, immediately perking up Yang’s bear ears, even if the rest of her still looked mopey. “Were you also aware of a senior student who wanted to speak to you about his own experiences with hibernating?” That got Yang at least sitting upright and looking a little less down in the dumps. “And perhaps you may be interested to note that you are almost certainly the bustiest person at Beacon.”

“Seriously, Weiss?” Yang said through a quiet laugh.

“Well, I haven’t exactly taken measurements, but I’m confident in my estimations,” Weiss said in a confident tone.

“No, Weiss. What I mean is ‘have you seriously been keeping track of that?’” Yang asked, with a smug grin on her soft face. That made Weiss go bright red and suddenly need to look away.

“Uh, w-well I just thought that perhaps an appeal to vanity might help you,” Weiss stammered, only making Yang laugh more. “It’s not that funny.” After Yang took a moment to compose herself, she looked at Weiss with a sincere look in her eyes.

“I’m sure you can tell, but I haven’t been the most cheerful person lately, so every little bit helps. So, thanks for helping,” Yang said softly, before reaching over to Weiss and wrapping her in a tight hug. She could feel Weiss reciprocating in kind, snuggling in as closely as she could. This kind of intimacy was something Yang had been craving so much, that now she had it, she just wanted to hug Weiss forever. The only thing that could drag her away from this was her big, round stomach rumbling with hunger, despite having been well fed only an hour ago. The noise drew giggles from both Yang and Weiss.

“I think you need something to eat,” Weiss stated.

“Well then, lead the way to more food,” Yang replied, releasing Weiss from her grip and preparing to follow her.

  ---

Yang could feel the chill in the air and drowsiness taking a hold of her. That meant it was time for her hibernation, and it couldn’t come soon enough. She was wide enough to fill the bed completely, with a touch of love handle spilling over. The flannel pyjamas she planned to wear were large enough for the mattress to wear, and yet they were still barely big enough to contain her. Her top’s buttons all strained against her ballooning breasts and massive stomach, which hung over her waistband and poured out from under the top. Meanwhile, the pants were skin-tight and whenever Yang moved she was in constant fear of a seam splitting from either trying to move around or the thick layers of fat on her thighs and rear bouncing and reverberating as she did so. All of that was why she was very happy to be in bed, not planning to move for a very, very long time. Still, as eager as she was for sleep to take her as she lay there, she was happy to stay up just a little bit longer for one last talk with Weiss. Again, she noticed a nervousness about Weiss, something that had been a constant for the last month, and Yang assured herself that this would be dealt with now.

“So, Weiss, I have something I need to ask you about,” Yang began, before being quietened by a gesture from Weiss, sitting at the edge of the bed in her nightgown.

“I also have something to say. I suppose it would be a confession, of sorts, if you’ll give me the chance to make it,” Weiss said cautiously. When Yang gestured her to carry on, Weiss rose to her feet and took a deep breath. “Yang, my support of your weight gain didn’t come from an entirely selfless state of mind. I also have an… appreciation for larger people, and after hearing that you were going to be gaining weight, I just had to be a part of it to satisfy a part of myself. I’m sorry for using you for…”

“Weiss!” Yang interrupted, stopping Weiss dead in her apology. “It’s okay. I appreciate your concern, but hearing all of this, I’m just happy to know at least someone still likes how I look, especially...”

“It’s not just that,” Weiss continued, a wistful smile slowly sneaking on to her face. “In the time I spent around you, I also… developed a fondness for you. I think…” Weiss sat back down, placing her hands upon Yang’s and gripping them firmly. “I think I’m in love with you, Yang.” Yang broke out in a massive smile, the beginnings of tears of joy began to appear in her lavender eyes.

“Weiss, I love you too,” Yang affirmed in a wavering voice. That was all Weiss had to hear for her to climb up on top of Yang, cup her fat face in her hands, and deliver a determined kiss to her lips. Yang’s soft hands held Weiss close as Weiss’ began to wander lower, across Yang’s pillowy bosom and expansive stomach. Weiss constantly drifted towards the buttons of Yang’s top, but willpower and respect for Yang’s decency kept the buttons done up, despite their best efforts to burst open. Eventually, the roaming hands and locked lips slowed and the pair broke for air.

“I hope that wasn’t too much,” Weiss said in a way that clearly wanted a response.

“Maybe it was a little too much excitement before I go to sleep, but I can’t really complain,” Yang said with a shrug that made her entire body wobble.

“Well, I suppose I should leave you to it then,” Weiss said as she clambered off her new lover. She leant in slowly, placing a gentle kiss on Yang’s chubby cheek. “I’ll see you when you wake up,” she added.

“Goodnight, Weiss.”

  ---

When spring had finally sprung, Yang found herself eagerly awakening. She quickly shed her pyjama cocoon, which was large enough to look like she was swimming in it, and beneath all that clothing she found a whole new woman. She excitedly put her old clothes on for the first time in far too long, greeting them like old, close friends. Also, like old friends, there were some changes that Yang needed to adjust to. Her breasts and buttocks had ended up still a little plumper than they were before the Vytal Tournament, leaving her top and bra just a little bit past snug and her shorts so tight that Yang expected a real struggle to remove them later, although fortunately everything else was back to normal. Still, through all of that, she still had Weiss at her side, offering sincere sweetness and support.

“It’s nothing that exercise can’t deal with,” Weiss said with a reassuring pat on the shoulder. Yang struck a pose that exaggerated both enlarged features.

“Bet you wouldn’t complain if they stuck around,” Yang snarked, putting on a smug grin.

“Oh, obviously not,” Weiss agreed. “And I’m looking forward to your next hibernation. Without the Vytal Festival to get in our way, we will have plenty of time to fatten you up,” she added, patting Yang’s now flat stomach, which held a hint of abs despite everything. Yang reached over to cup Weiss’ cheek as she went for a kiss. A moment later, as Weiss was still looking a little surprised from the kiss, Yang picked up a devilish grin.

“I can hardly wait.”

[db-reviews]

#103 - Thank You From The Future - Moon Letters (2022)

We’ve looked at many bands and albums over these few months, so let’s keep this trend up. I have looked at more gothic bands, most notably Anglagard and Discipline, with both releasing albums that I think are all-time masterpieces. However, I never found a band that was gothic, but with the tempo of more happy bands, such as Moon Safari or Cheeto’s Magazine. A more pastel goth band if you will. That is until now. 2022 has been a great year for progressive rock and it just keeps on coming at you with great releases. I doubt that fact will end any time soon but I do think it is worth talking about this album since it has become a bit of a fan favorite for me.

Moon Letters is a Seattle-based supergroup made up of members from bands such as Wah Wah Exit Wound, Spacebag, Panther Attack!, Bone Cave Ballet, and The Autumn Electric, though I am not sure if those are real bands or just made-up names to spark attention. Besides that, little is known about the group besides the fact that they made an album in 2019, Until They Feel The Sun. This sophomore album, Thank You From The Future, was released this year and has gained some notoriety. I heard about it from the Youtuber Notes Reviews, so I’d like to thank them for introducing me to this album because it is great.

The first song of Sudden Sun sets the scene for this album, featuring fast rhythmic guitars and spacey keyboards. These two factors plus the very articulate drumming do bleed some of that more joyous progressive rock moods into my veins. Honestly, it very much reminds me of Cheeto’s Magazine, but a lot more hard-hitting and a bit more retro than contemporary. It is genuinely a mood lifter of a song that helps in its presentation. However, I have a problem with how this song is played out. It is a four-minute song, but it feels like it is multiple songs all at once. Now, this wouldn’t be an issue, after all, many Prog epics have this sort of thing, the problem is that it’s not a Prog epic, it is a four-minute song. I can never get any time to breathe because things change so rapidly that it feels less like a fun rollercoaster. It is like that one ride at a local fair that is supposed to be fun but instead jerks around causing a headache. A song that is fun but insanely chaotic doesn’t help it in the long run.

This also applies to The Hrossa. It is a very fun and jovial song, with a tiny hint of what would become the main staple through this album, and that is the more gothic flair added on. However, it does still have that incredibly jerky progression, where one minute it’s one thing, and the other is something else. It does try to be a bit more straightened out with the track being 6 minutes instead of 4, but the feelings are still there. These feel like concepts for something greater as a whole due to how they are presented in these differing lights, which is neat, but I do want something a little juicier without being bombarded with nothing but technical skill. There has to be something more.

And we’ll get something more with the rest of the album. The first two songs were the appetizer for the main courses, with the first being Mother River. Gone is the overly fast progression; instead, we get that revitalization of that more gothic sound The Hrossa hinted at. Now, instead of just the happier and go-lucky retro progressive rock bands, we get flavors of Discipline and Anekdoten. This one-two punch of the fun and happy side, with the darkness, gives this album a very interesting and flavorful palette to work with. We can also see some very cool space influences. It feels very Syd Barretesque at times, added with the modern skill presented, with the more straightened-out progression and you’ll get one great song. It is just a fun time for me to be perfectly honest.

These aspects continue with Isolation And Foreboding, which is probably the only track that is a little less happy, as seen with the title. The first half feels very mysterious, with the bass being at center stage, chugging the sound along this path. At the halfway point the song shifts gears quickly to something a lot more slower and concrete, with an almost psychedelic rock ballad that honestly moves me. It is so delicate, yet I feel like if I tear it apart it could never break. This song’s title does not lie, this song does have elements of isolation and foreboding; the first half being that isolation, that mystery, the intrigue, and resolve; the second half being that foreboding, the calm yet so strong movement that sets with you even after the song ends. This has become one of my favorites of this album, and I think it is hard not to see why.

Let us liven up the mood a bit with Child Of Tomorrow. This time we get a bit more of a European-influenced track, with a clear folk identity, but not scraping away their more rock-influenced sound. It is kinda like how Urskog by Kaipa was: a very European-flavored album that hailed its flag in the retro progressive rock scene. However here we get more of that rock emphasis, which I think suits this style well. It is very atmospheric, with visions of green plains and small villages filled with people. I know this will be an odd comparison, but this feels like a Gryphon track, but if it were designed to be less folksy, and a lot more rocking. It is honestly super fun hearing this more green-flavored style of progressive rock put through a new filter.

This album has the best for last, and that is Fate Of The Alacorn. This is the best conclusion the band can make for this album, really satisfying me with a good mix of that jovial sound, that gothic sound, and even a bit of that more Kaipa-influenced retro progressive rock sound thrown into the spin of things. I especially love the ending, how it builds with these horns that go through the wringer by the guitars and drums, creating this moody and intense melody that bleeds into me. It is a track that values what came before, almost like a generation-long tribute to the first, second, third, etc songs. It is satisfying to hear such a good closure on this album��wait what? There’s more? What do you mean there’s more? One last song…but this is the…oh wait never mind, I guess there is still one more song left to cover.

The REAL final song for this album is Yesterday Is Gone, and to be honest, it’s just fine. The track itself is basically what you might expect from this album, especially with how the album sounds, and it does do a good job of keeping the torch lit for a little while longer, but I do feel as though it is severely misplaced on the album. This does not feel like the last track on this album, it feels more suitable for the middle. With it being at the end I feel like this album, while still good, ends less with a bang and more with a whimper. Fate Of The Alacorn left me satisfied, and to be honest I am not hungry enough for dessert, so this track isn’t really necessary, at least not necessary to be the final piece on this album.

I’d say if you want more good modern progressive rock you’ll come to the right place with this one. It is a flavorful album that features many songs that while short leave a lasting impression on me. I will listen to some of these songs a lot more throughout the next few months because they are excellent in their stature, but some tracks are a bit lesser than those that I praised. This album isn’t perfect, but I do think all and all it is a fun time that harkens back to that more fun side of progressive rock, while also adding a bit more edge to the mixer. It is like a dark chocolate cake, it is darker, but still has an aura of happiness.

4/5

[kaihoku]

V17 - HAVING ISSUES, August, 1998

Our mind is an incredible space that occasionally needs housekeeping. Otherwise it'll become more and more cluttered and, well, things ain't gon'be pretty when it does.

~*~

Pretty often, I get letters from fans seeking advice. After reading them, it isn't difficult to see why they'd want to talk to someone about whatever issue it is they're having. But even if I were to put on my thinking cap and thought hard about how I could help, honestly, I could think of nothing. But somewhere within me, I felt that maybe that's okay. Because I didn't think the people who wrote in were really expecting me to do something about their issues anyway, and the real reason they wrote was to be able to come to a solution on their own. When someone wants to talk about whatever issues they are having with someone else, I think that most of the time, they are doing it in the hopes of getting the response they wanted all along. So what they are basically doing is seeking validation for whatever opinion or solution they've already come to.

Even for me, I realize that whenever I discuss personal issues with another person, the other person is usually someone who is already on the same page as I am to begin with. But when it comes to the matter of love, it's a little different. If I wanted somebody to understand what my feelings are, I'd seek out other guys among friends or those I'm acquainted with through work who are like me. But if it's the feelings of the other person in the relationship I'm trying to understand, I'd seek out ladies who are close to this other person and ask them instead.

When friends come to me wanting to talk about their issues, I'd try to give suggestions that come from my own perspective as much as possible. If the friend in need has reached rock bottom, I'd sink down there with them as I listened. If I didn't, there'd be no way I'd be able to empathize.

I've been having a hard time dealing with this major issue I've got for a few years now.  I guess it's gotten to a point where I was subconsiously sending SOS signals because friends who noticed would take me to the beach to surf or ask me out for a drink, and before I knew it, I was all right.  And when I realized I was out of the long, dark tunnel I was in, that's when it truly hit me how fortunate a guy I was. Not just in terms of having friends and people around me who care, but also in terms of non-tangible things like luck.

Looking back, there are many things that  I had a tough time going through but am also glad to have gone through. I'm not sure whether or not that makes me stronger as a person but I'm at least aware of what the pain I went through felt like.

The way they present themselves are sometimes different, but as a teenager, I've always been plagued by one issue after another. I suppose that's because I knew too little of the world back then and had yet to be hardened by experience and so, I was this kid who's perpetually confused and unsure of what to do. But the reality is, even as I gain experience as I grow older, new issues would just keep cropping up. I'm guessing this is how it'll always be and there's nothing I can do about it but be ready to face them as they come.

There are also times where we'd feel we've hit a wall. For example, when we develop feelings for someone else and find ourselves coming to a dead end not knowing what to do next. This is likely the time where we'd first realize the existence of the heart. The word "heart" itself isn't something we'd use or come across in our daily lives but the moment we fall in love with another person and become all sappy and romantic, we'd not only suddenly see and hear it everywhere, we'd also find ourselves using it all the time. In a way, its existence is kind of like God's, in that it's something we can neither perceive nor touch. But when we love someone, we can't help but want to get a clearer idea of what their heart feels like which I reckon maybe is why we tend to want to reach out to touch parts of them we consider an extension of it, like their hand or their hair or their body. Personally, I prefer somewhere below the neck rather than above it. And even though I'm calling whatever this thing is "heart," it doesn't actually have to be shaped like it.

You know how we describe people as having a big heart or a small one? I reckon it's true that things like the shape, hypothetical mass and content of an individual’s heart differ from person to person. Because mine somehow feels like a pebble–tiny and hard–which is why I always try to use both my head and body as much as possible to compensate instead.

The heart, I’m sure, is something we keep in a semi-translucent box that we protect with everything we’ve got, so much so that not even the great Arsene Lupin III can just easily make grabby hands at and disappear with like all the precious stones he's stolen.

-mishuku-

[aetheternity]

How they simp ft the Kny boys

I wrote one of these for Aot and I remembered how little I write for Kny so here's one for the Demon Slayer boys. This was written as if the person they're crushing on is two years older.

(The aggressive simp): Inosuke

☆ I mean come on who didn't see this one coming??

☆ Inosuke otherwise known as the aggressive mfer that can't spell crush let alone deal with one.

☆ Poor baby is mad confused as to why any little thing you say to him makes his heart mush and his face hot.

☆ Deadass goes to Tanjiro and is like,

• "Fuck is wrong with Y/N? Why do they make my face hot? Should I fight them?"

• And Tanjiro's like 😶😐 "I think you have a crush.."

• "Yeah! I do wanna crush them!"

• Tanjiro questioning his life choices: 😑😒

☆ Like he goes up to you fully intent on starting more shit than a bad Netflix original mean girl but you say,

• "Oh, Hi Inosuke."

☆ And he's just thinking, Why am I here?? Just to suffer?

☆ Personality does a full 180. His heart turned purple, his legs inside out. (If you understand this reference ily 💞).

☆ After a while he hits the last stage of grief, (Acceptance) and he slowly but surely starts to just follow you around. He doesn't understand what's so special about you that you caught his attention and he honestly doesn't care at this point he thrives off your attention in any way shape or form.

☆ You smile at him he's screaming internally. You say hi to him and he's floating. He finally reached a place where he doesn't even care that he feels this way he wants to experience it as long as possible.

☆ At some point you acknowledge his feelings and explain how you feel. (Not that it makes any sense to him). And give him a quick peck on the cheek of his mask. Probably after a really tough battle where he saved you from danger.

☆ Mfer is blushing hard asf under that sweaty ass mask. That's your problem now..

☆ Zenitsu dead makes fun of him the whole way back but Inosuke's so lost in thought that Tanjiro genuinely contemplates taking him to a doctor.

(The brotherly simp): Tanjiro

☆ Let's be honest he treats everyone like a sibling.

☆ But it's actually pretty cute when it comes to you.

☆ He'll ask you when's the last time you've eaten at least fourteen times a day and if you have a habit of not eating he'll bring you food.

☆ He knows whenever you've been training late or had a long mission so he'll bring you something to drink (most likely water) to keep your spirits up.

☆ Knows you're sad even if you're rooms away from him and will sit by your side and listen to you vent then give you advice.

☆ He likes sitting next to you no matter where it is because he loves listening to you talk about literally anything.

☆ Honestly Tanjiro's probably the least obvious except for the blushing and stuttering whenever you compliment him on his form or something.

☆ When he confesses it's straight up no beating around the bush just honest Tanjiro and you give him a small kiss on the lips as a way of accepting his feelings.

☆ Honestly after that he might not get sad again for a year.

(The hysterical simp): Zenitsu

☆ This mfer can't handle shit like come on it's literally canon.

☆ He follows you around like a lost puppy the second he realizes he's crushing on you. And you better have liked him first or just been a really patient person overall to like all the attention he gives you.

☆ Straight up does a bee line (like the down bad man he is) for you whenever he hears your voice.

☆ Finds a new way to embarrass himself every single time he's around you. But he's actually just trying to be cool. And he probably thinks he's being cool sometimes so 🤷‍♀️

☆ He most definitely helped you on a mission one day and you got to see the full extent of his power. Which if you're that kind of person would try to help him reach his full potential. (I mean he clearly has a lot of potential.) Which forces you two to spend more time together.

☆ Surprisingly during that time you get to see the less loud version of him. But what really tips the scales in his favor is when he saves you from getting hurt. During personal training or a mission doesn't matter.

☆ You end up telling him exactly how you feel and of course he accepts your feelings with loud, unbridled enthusiasm.

☆Actually faints into a little pile of goo when you kiss his forehead. Mfer laying on the ground with metaphorically hearts circling his head.

☆ You straight up got this boy sighing in contentment. If you don't end up staying with him while he lays there he'll be found by Tanjiro and Inosuke later. Good luck to Tanjiro having to listen to Zenitsu scream about his happiness.

(The confused simp): Giyu

☆ Giyu doesn't know he has a crush. He doesn't know he's simping he just knows he wants your attention. Hilarious antics begin:

☆ Well in a way. See Giyu's never met someone like you. Someone who actively goes out of their way to immediately make friends with him and then continue to do so even after he's shown them his version of affection.

☆ He understands nothing about you or his feelings but he knows he wants to keep you as close as possible at all times. He knows his heart flutters when you're near and his palms get sweatier (which he originally thought was just his breathing technique.)

☆ He sees you standing across the room and comes over to issue his normal greeting. Sees you training by yourself and just joins you in the same room.

☆ His only problem so far has probably been the fact that you're very popular so whenever he actually does have time to interact with you you're probably with someone else.

☆ One day you guys are on a mission together and you just tell him straight up that you have feelings for him and.. he doesn't say a word, stops where he's standing, his hands get all shaky and his entire face and neck go red as he tries to mumble out something.

☆ At some point he gets some sort of mutual confession out of him as you comb strands of hair back from his face with your fingers.

☆ You could give him a kiss but you just got Giyuu.exe to start working again so better save it for another day.

(The bubbly simp): Rengoku

☆ I just love the idea of Rengoku being all weirdly shy I think it's the cutest thing on earth so here we go!

☆ He's always grinning and talking energetically but when he's talking to you his voice goes down like 20 octaves and he's got the dopiest grin on his face. Out here looking like: ☺

☆ As if Zenitsu and Inosuke weren't obvious with their simping Rengoku's probably even worse.

☆ He legit turns his whole body to face you when you join a conversation between him and anyone else. Face all pink as he smiles brightly at you.

☆ He's got a little sigh going and everyone is thoroughly creeped out by all of it so they try to flee every time you and Rengoku make contact.

☆ He always finds ways to find you and he's just like:

• "Hi, Y/N! What're you doing!"

• You: "Eating lunch.."

• Him: "That's great."

• You: 😃😀🤨

☆ When he finally confesses you're just like it's about time and you give him a small peck on the lips. Now watch him walk around for the rest of the day with pink cheeks and a skip in his step like he owns the place.