#I know I’m autistic and this game is literally a special interest of mine. So therefore I will care about it way more than some letsplayer

[griponthenews]

no because that meme of someone watching a streamer play their favourite game but they misunderstand it horrendously. That’s literally me with Not for Broadcast. I have yet to see a streamer play it and use like their actual brain and critical thinking skills when choosing whether to side with Advance vs Disrupt. Like the point of the game is nuance and the grey morality of both sides but these people will just assume everything Advance do is bad while supporting Disrupt without questioning any of their actions because Advance are the government and therefore automatically pure evil? Say what you will about Julia’s government, but early game Advance genuinely have some stellar policies. But every streamer I’ve seen play this game always goes fully pro-Disrupt as soon as they have the option to do so, without considering the actual good things Advance are doing at that point, like the Menu Centres or the Assets and Wealth Act. I’m not forgetting about their inexcusable actions later on in the game (if you’ve played it then you’ll know what I’m talking about), but even then that was mainly Julia’s decision rather than Advance’s (can’t remember which ending it is but there’s that tape where Peter is very clearly against what Julia did). Arguably the best epilogue of the game happens when the public is in favour of Advance over Disrupt. But because typically in dystopian fiction the rebel faction is the morally better choice I guess people assume Disrupt must be too? Despite all this the most annoyed I’ve ever been watching someone play this game was when at the end the guy said (in a roundabout way of complimenting her I guess??) that Megan’s actor did a good job at making you hate her. How someone can come out of this game hating MEGAN WOLFE of all characters is beyond me.

sorry for how incoherent and badly formatted this post is I just have to rant about Not for Broadcast or I’ll explode.

[whumpy-wyrms]

are u in any fandoms? what are ur interests besides whump? u don’t have to answer i’m just curious!!

someone’s asking me about my interests i can’t NOT answer

this got a bit long tho so i’m putting it under the read more for people who don’t care/are only here for the whump

OKOK. so i’m kinda in the starkid/nerdy prudes must die fandom rn but i know for a fact if i finished adventure time and started watching fiona and cake, that would quite literally become my entire personality for the next 3 months because simon and prismo (and marceline and princess bubblegum and all my other favorite characters) make me insane. but i haven’t done that because well. i’ve gotta write tllr yknow..

anyway, my absolute most favorite pieces of media of all time are undertale and deltarune guys. i cant put in words how much those games mean to me holy shit. as i’m writing this i’m sitting next to my jevil and sans and spamton plushie and they are saying hi. anywayyy yeah i was in the deltarune fandom for a bit it was fun. spamton is silly fucked up creature. jevil is my all time favorite tho

AND THE MAGNUS ARCHIVES… my favorite thing ever fr. y’all. LISTEN TO TMA SERIOUSLY YOU’LL PROBABLY LIKE IT!! it’s a horror podcast and it’s seriously the best fuckinf thing ever it’s so amazing seriously. it’s a bit hard to get into at first because season 1 is less story driven BUT HOLY SHIT. AHHHH ITS SO FUCKING GOOD. jon is one of my favorite blorbos ever and so is michael because he’s a silly distortion guy. just trust me and listen to TMA it will actually change your life.

also i love the amazing world of gumball so fucking much. i wasn’t allowed to watch cartoon network as a kid (idk why??) so i first watched tawog last year and holy shit holy shit it’s my favorite thing ever. rob. ROB!!!! ROB IS MY ALL TIME FAVORITE CHARACTER. SO IS MR SMALL. AHHHH!!!! anyway i love tawog i’ve drawn a lot of fanart and even wrote a 60k word fanfiction (about what happens after The Inquisition because that ending fucked me up) that i’ve Never and will probably never show anyone because it’s probably Not that good. but it was sooo Important to me back then. tawog just means so much to me it :))) it changed me as a person. nobody’s a nobody and everybody is weird like you and me.

i also really like hollow knight! i haven’t played it in a while but i was at 111% completion on one of my playthroughs (CURSE YOU PANTHEON 4). i’m also super fucking excited for silksong obviously and i will say this now: WHEN SILKSONG FINALLY RELEASES… i will probably go on hiatus here LMAO. sorry but guys. SILKSONG…. honestly same for new deltarune chapters. the second chapters 3, 4, and 5 release it is sooo over for me. i probably won’t post much here for a few months during that. but that’s fine!! i’ll never abandon tllr but sometimes some things are more important to my silly little brain :3

gravity falls quite literally changed my life in 2018. like i can’t even explain it, but it’s how i was introduced to online fandoms and fanart in general. dipper LITERALLY made me trans (not literally but pretty much). it’s how i started watching other amazing cartoons and series i love, it’s literally what made me get into drawing art and writing and stuff. it’s what made me start making ocs. it literally made me an artist guys. which is how i started writing. without gravity falls and it’s effect it had on me, this account might have never existed?? i’m being super dramatic but wowww. i was so autistic about that silly cartoon

minecraft i love. i’ve been playing minecraft for over a decade and won’t stop because it’s like, probably a special interest of mine? i’ve watch minecraft youtubers forever too, hermitcraft and the life series are my favorite. i’m a huge grian fan too, been watching him since the evo days. anyway if u play minecraft and wanna play with me sometime, feel free to ask!!! :D i love making new friends and playing video games with people!!! let’s make a world together!!!

also i like terraria and stardew valley, and animal crossing new horizons but i haven’t played that in a few years. hmm other games i like are oneshot game, NITW, omori, celeste, cuphead, fnaf (although i’ve only played the first 5 games and am super super behind on the lore), ori, dead cells, untitled goose game (this is for u anon), and probably more i’m forgetting! feel free to recommend me some video games and we can even play together :3

other series i love are the umbrella academy. soooo autistic about this show it’s fucking AMAZING!!!!!! klaus is my favorite character. anyway i also like what we do in the shadows. it made me super autistic about vampires (before i watched this show i kinda thought vampires were cringe IDK WHY I’M SORRYY). the netflix show lucifer made me insane a few years ago and is what probably indirectly inspired me to give Dew wings. i also like our flag means death, breaking bad, moon knight, and camp here in there (another podcast i HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend, will wood made the soundtrack!)

i LOVEEE FINAL SPACE!! avocato has been my pfp on this account forever and now i feel like i can’t ever change it (i don’t want to). final space is seriously amazing!!! but it was cancelled and basically got fucked over by the networks- infinity train style. idk, stuff happened and it was removed from hbo max so there’s not really anywhere to watch it (legally) except for netflix international iirc? but it’s getting removed from that too i think. super fucking sad :( it ended on a huge cliffhanger too BUT there is a graphic novel being made!!!! super excited about that!

other cartoons i like are over the garden wall (dressed up as wirt for halloween last year), the owl house, adventure time, regular show, steven universe, infinity train, bojack horseman, rick and morty, mlp, the midnight gospel, and so much more i’m forgetting. OH anime i like are death note, demon slayer (haven’t caught up yet on the latest seasons tho), and MOB PSYCHO 100!! vampire in the garden on netflix is really amazing as well.

this is sooo long but now i gotta talk about my favorite music artists. WILL WOOD (AND THE TAPEWORMS) IS MY FAVORITEEE. I ALSO LOVEEE JHARIAH!!! AND HARLEY POE!!!!! top three of all time. i also like toby fox obviously, and glass beach (LITERALLY GOING TO SEE THEM IN MARCH AND I AM SOOO EXCITED!!!), mcr, shayfer james, weezer, mitski, lemon demon, set it off, tally hall, gerard way, and probably more i’m forgetting. i also like musicals!! (i was in the spongebob musical earlier this year for school! i was larry the lobster :))

so guys. GUYSSS. IF YOU LIKE MUSICALS, GO WATCH NERDY PRUDES MUST DIE!!!! OR JUST WATCH THE ENTIRE HATCHETFEILD TRILOGY!!! WHILE UR AT IT, WATCH ALL THE STARKID MUSICALS ACTUALLY!!! this is my current hyperfixation. the lords in black are amazing, npmd is amazing. i love everything about it. go watch it seriously, it’s fucking awesome and the soundtrack is AMAZING!!!

i think this is it. this got super long but i’m super passionate about my interests so yeah. this is pretty much everything. one very important thing (literally my special interest) that i didn’t mention are my other ocs. i have wayyy more ocs that are completely separate from the tllr ones. i don’t wanna post about them here though, cuz they’re not whump related and i want to keep my main account separate from this account. but they’re my favorite blorbos in existence so…

if u WANT to know about my other ocs, u can feel free to dm me for the username of my other fandom/oc account. that’s where i post other stuff that i don’t post here, like my fanart and my other oc stuff. i don’t post writing or anything like that there, so ur not missing out on that.

anyway those are most of my main interests! things i didn’t mention that im also really interested in are reptiles (snakes specifically), and animals in general. i have two leopard geckos named Lars and Alphys and i reallyyyy want a pet snake but my family hates snakes :(( anyway i’m rambling

thanks for the ask!!

[strawberrysapphocake]

Sorry y’all but I had to tune out of the Pressure Cooker coverage for a) my productivity and b) my mental health, because I simply did not have the emotional energy to keep anxiously refreshing the updates for 14ish hrs.

That said, I’m back now, and oh god CAM won? Literally the worst case scenario from an entertainment perspective (aside from maybe a Jared HOH)—he’s so irritating to me personally, and now we have to deal with constant footage/DRs of him all week. UGH.

LONG summary of my thoughts post-Pressure Cooker under the cut, be warned:

From a game perspective, I really don’t care about anyone but Cory, America, and Matt, and Cam doesn’t seem prone to target them at this point, so that’s all good. He might put up Matt, but we’ll bridge when we come to it, and he’s probably my lowest priority of those three.

I’m really proud of Cory! Obviously he didn’t win, but twelve hours is still a crazy impressive time, and if I, as a superfan like Cory, managed to last that long I would be really proud of myself! Especially since it was a better time than the BB6 3rd-placer.

I’m actually kind of glad Cory didn’t win, for the sole reason that I think the house will view the winner—and to a lesser extent, the runner-up—as a massive comp beast (and probably use that as justification for targeting them later on), and I need my boy to keep his threat level down right now.

I was HIGHLY amused to see The Family Fields (is that actually the official name of the Izzy-Cirie-Jared alliance? I don’t know but I love it, so I’m keeping it) drop out first, especially one after another like that. I don’t even necessarily dislike those three (except Jared. Obviously.) but it’s still very funny to me. Oh, and it makes it ten times better that none of them lasted anywhere near as long as the first drop on BB6.

If anyone has a full list of the prizes each houseguest won, please let me know. I know Matt released the flies and someone got a Paramount+ subscription, but not much else, and I’m really curious.

There’s something oddly poetic about this iteration of the Pressure Cooker lasted just one minute less than the BB6 version? I know it’s infuriating to a lot of people, but I’m interpreting it to mean that of course this Pressure Cooker, and by extension this entire season, as well as the modern era of Big Brother itself, was never going to be as good/well-received as the original—because BB fans are notoriously hard to please, and because it is, fundamentally, meant to be a copy—but it’s pretty damn close. Like, BB is never going to go back to the way it was in the early ‘aughts, but it is still a wonderful, exciting, captivating (and sometimes downright magical) game, even all these years later.

And maybe that’s just my overly romantic autistic brain applying way too deep a meaning to an arbitrary number just because Big Brother is a special interest of mine, but still. It’s kind of beautiful.

Okay, I definitely have more thoughts I haven’t fit into this post, but my hands hurt from typing and I don’t want to keep y’all here all day.

So, yeah. If you’ve gotten this far, thanks so much for reading my completely unorganized rambling about my beloved reality show. Y’all take care.

[flingpoly]

fling posse autistic headcanons

since my autistic fp art got support before i’m gonna throw this out there for anyone else who might like the idea! these are a mix of my interpretations of canon behavior and also headcanons

ramuda:

- it's worth noting the entire reason he’s considered a “failed experiment” is because he has emotional dysregulation, which is something a lot of autistic people struggle with.

- has vocal tics! (i’ve always loved the part in pink iro no ai when he repeatedly stutters “are” because it’s very very similar to a vocal tic of mine)

- sucks on other hard candies besides medicinal lollipops because Good Mouth Stim

- once he’s comfortable around fling posse and masks less he goes through a lot of periods of total silence where he prefers not to verbalize. it's nice and comfortable for him because he doesn't have to force himself to speak or be perfectly social.

- he likes initiating touch (feeling nice clothes textures and hugging tightly) but has trouble being touched by others

- i often think of that scene in rhyme anima where he gets frustrated he can’t explain himself and covers his ears and makes a sort of groaning sound. that combined with the marionette drama track where he gets frustrated and yells “shut up” (which is the same word as “too loud” in japanese), i'm lead to think he often covers his ears when overstimulated or frustrated. that’s the sensory input he needs to block out when he needs to “reset”. this also makes sense since a lot of stimulation he’d have to deal with would be from a hypnosis mic, so ironically, even though he’s supposed to handle things well, he ends up being most sensitive to noise/think to protect his ears first when upset.

- i would actually go as far as to consider ramuda autistic-coded (since other central themes of his are masking, “speaking with no tact”, fluctuating empathy, struggling to make true connections beyond a surface level). he could have his own post but i’ll stop here

gentaro:

- has a very low amount of social spoons (ramuda and dice learn to recognize when he needs space)

- carries that blank book around partially for the aesthetic and partially because he flips through it and feels the pages as a stim

- picky about food texture and probably rotates between a few same foods

- related to the above, he places importance on routine and habit and has to sit in the same spot at the same café

- he’s able to pull facts about dinosaurs out of his ass because they were his special interest at one point. that’s why he’s so insanely smart on a few niche topics and why he can speak on them at a moment’s notice.

- having an “eccentric” vocabulary is also considered a telling sign of autism, and especially since (spoilers) we know gentaro was never an author to begin with, these are just dialects and speaking styles he’s picked up on his own. author or not, he probably did love books a lot growing up, and that’s why so many autistic people pick up odd speaking habits– they tend to read a variety of stories rather than interact with their peers at a young age.

- i just wanna see him do flappy hands with his sleeves

dice:

- was never good at structure because he couldn’t understand arbitrary social rules, which is why he had a falling out with his mom/doesn’t want to live a “typical” life; it just doesn’t work for him

- always making little sounds somehow! it’s canon from the radio show that he likes whistling with grass and creating makeshift percussion and such, so he’s probably always tapping on something

- takes everything literally, which is why he still doesn’t understand when gentaro is joking or not and falls for it every time. that’s also why he’s unfamiliar with a lot of metaphors

- actually very interested in card games in general and loves memorizing strategies and rules; just kinda helps he uses this skill to gamble

- no volume control but that’s okay because ramuda and gentaro find it very endearing since it’s often when he’s enthusiastic

- he chews on his little hair bead thing

- likes weight/pressure, which is why he carries around ramuda so much. ramuda probably just lays directly on top of him sometimes like his own little weighted blanket.

[hikari--sakura]

I know nobody really asked for this, but here’s an entire post on why I personally think that Lolo from the Klonoa series is autistic.

I’m on the autism spectrum myself, and these headcanons and observations are partially based on my own personal experiences! I also really relate a lot with Lolo as a character and see a lot of myself in her, so take that as you will.

I can only speak on my own experiences as an autistic person with this, since no two autistic people share the same exact traits. That being said, it’s perfectly okay if you disagree with this headcanon.

I’ll really only be including things I’ve noticed in the games (as well as the slapstick manga and Dream Traveller of Noctis Sol), I’ll likely delve into personal headcanons that are unrelated to the actual series in a future post, perhaps?

[this will contain some spoilers for Klonoa 2: Lunatea’s Veil, so please proceed with caution if you have yet to play or finish the game!! I’ll be putting my points under the cut due to said spoilers!]

•Lolo has some knowledge about Lunatea itself during the course of Lunatea’s Veil (as of replaying this game at the moment, I realized she’s mostly adding to what Baguji has said when she, Klonoa, and Popka visit his island, but I can edit this point once I can clearly realize what’s actually happening). I actually interpret this as her having a special interest in world history! If I remembered this wrong and it isn’t the case, I might as well just make it a personal headcanon of mine!

•Her clumsiness, such as when she dropped the element of tranquility after the Leptio the Flower Clown boss fight, and the many times she trips and falls. There are many instances of this in Lunatea’s Veil, Beach Volleyball (her ending in specific), and Heroes. I had to double check to see if this was something common with autistic people (even if it’s something I experience myself), and it apparently is.

•Lolo was bullied a lot by her peers while training to become a priestess. I know that part of it is due to her being inexperienced and “weak”, but this happens so often with many autistic people (myself included) that I couldn’t not include this.

•related to the previous point, Lolo could also have major rejection sensitivity, which is present with both autism and ADHD. She’s really fragile when it comes to her own self worth and abilities. Not only was it her peers that mockingly pointed it out and bullied her about it, but Nightmare Klonoa also did this in Dream Traveller of Noctis Sol.

•So with the first half of the Polonte boss fight?? When Lolo was dealing with immense guilt when realizing that using Klonoa and his wind ring to cheat her way into quickly becoming a full-fledged priestess was a terrible thing to do?? She was barely talking and basically avoiding eye contact, only really saying a few sentences at most when Popka was talking some sense into her (and only saying “I’m sorry” to Klonoa when she realized she really screwed up). I’ve always interpreted this as an autistic shutdown. She’s just mentally done for a portion of the boss fight and just shuts down right then and there. Major props to Klonoa and Popka for not touching Lolo at all and letting her calm down and recompose herself at her own pace. I’ve seen the Klonoa wiki describe this as her going through some depression, and that’s absolutely a valid take on it. May I also point out that depression can be comorbid with autism?

•I know this trait is specific to the slapstick manga, and I don’t know if this was just the go-to pose that the mangaka had for her, but Lolo often has her arms in this pose??? It could be a stim thing???

This is partially why I regularly draw her with “raptor hands” when drawing her. It’s my own own lil’ artist’s quirk with her due to this headcanon, y’know?

Sources for both artworks, both are on sideblogs of mine: [1] [2]

Regardless of whether or not Lolo is autistic, I really do care for her as a character! These are all literally just headcanons based off observations from the series and how I personally interpret her!

If you made it through this whole thing, thanks for reading, and I hope you have a good day!

ヽ(；▽；)ノ

[scrawnytreedemon]

Neurodivergency, and Sephiroth

Right, I’m going to see if I can try and explain why this reading appeals to me.

For some background, I’ve watched a full silent LP of the OG, watched Advent Children, and am largely familiar with his characterisation in Crisis Core(though it gets a bit patchy in some areas). I am not familiar with his characterisation in KH, Dissida, or any other spinoff appearances.

I’m going to be looking at this with an autistic lens, as, hey, I’m autistic, however much of these patterns aren’t exclusive to autistic people by any means and thus are fairly applicable to other labels.

This is an explanaition on why I find this element worth considering, and while I hope that others can relate or take away something from this, in many ways it is highly personal and not intended to be a decleration on Sephiroth’s ‘true nature,’ as it were. I’m not claiming that this was intended by the writers-- Infact, I’d be very surprised if they considered it, at all --As many of the traits he exhibits could be brushed aside as due to his upbringing.

That being said, let’s get into it!

1. Alienation

A common thread in neurodivergency, autism in particular, is some form of alienation. This doesn’t necessarily mean being outcast-- I, for one, have been largely accepted by those around me, and yet there is still that sense of being ‘other‘ that’s always been there, long before I even had a word for it.

Now, of course, in Sephiroth this is more related to his lineage, and how it’s expressed in... well, everything. Even still, I find value in expanding that, and considering just how getting the sense you’re implicitly divided from your peers.

There is, of course, the matter of Sephiroth’s literal isolation-- However, as fun as those scenarios are to play around with, I don’t think Sephiroth was raised wholly, or even mostly in the labs. The reason being that it would be nigh impossible to have hid just what made Sephiroth different, especially knowing how observant he is. It’s clear that Sephiroth had had extensive contact with other children, as epitomised by the line:

“I knew ever since I was a child, I was not like the others. I knew mine was a special existence. But this is not what I meant!” 

Sephiroth was painfully aware that he is different, even if he didn’t know exactly how. It is at once an oddly thrilling, and lonely sensation. Thrilling, because-- Hey! --You can do and see things others can’t and/or wouldn’t; and lonely, because it makes it hard to relate to others or have them relate to you.

2. Socialisation

I would like to start off by saying that, while I find it a tad more faithful and endlessly less grating than Sex God Sephiroth, Sephiroth is not a complete and utter social failure. While it’s clear he has difficulty articulating emotions and understanding others, it’s very clear even still that he knows how the game works, and knows how to play it.

This is going to dip far more into speculation territory, so buckle up.

A thing that, perhaps, I don’t see talked about often enough online when it comes to neurodivergent experiences, is that many things that are considered ‘normal‘ get experienced as systems that we need to actively learn and maneuver-- Socialisation especially!

Now, of course there is always some degree of social interaction being a give and take, a step forth and step back, regardless of neurotype, but it’s dialed up far more when you deviate from ‘the norm.‘

If I can give my own example, a thing I struggled with when I was little was humour! Not because I didn’t find things funny, or didn’t know what it was, but because I had issues grasping at the machinations of what made something funny. This lead to alot of nonsensical jokes that left my siblings confounded, until I picked up a joke-book, and started analysing from there. It was mostly alot of puns, which! Due to their simple structure, are a great way to learn the basics! I didn’t even know this was unusual, until my mother pointed it out to me years later.

And that method goes for alot of things.

Sephiroth, above all else, is observant. He makes efforts multiple times throughout the OG and Crisis Core to check up on others and ask how they’re doing. He asks Cloud how he feels returning to his hometown, and about seeing his mother, and urges Zack to check up on Aerith in Crisis Core, to name some notable examples. Even if you get the sense that his attempts are, perhaps, a little ungainly, it makes it clear more than anything that Sephiroth tries.

I think the reason that people have leaned alot more into the overly-awkward perception of Sephiroth in recent times, is because it humanises him. I feel there’s been far more of a shift within fandom to focus on the mundane, on relatability, on humanity. A veneer of endless, effortless confidence really isn’t that sexy anymore-- When sexual-appeal even comes into the matter, at all.

That being said, this section more than anything, I think, is very easy to brush aside due to his... interesting upbringing. Depending on how you construe the timeline, Sephiroth got sent to war as early as twelve, and wouldn’t have had much of an oppurtnity to develop these skills in a healthy and timely manner.

Even without that, a degree of social awkwardness is far from exclusive to any particular neurotype-- It’s the way it arises in him, though, that piques my interest.

3. Analysis and Obsession

This... I think, is the one where I’ll be grasping at straws the most.

While, yes, the obsessive research demonstrated in the OG during the Nibelheim incident and even before that to a lesser extent in Crisis Core could be some indication of a degree to absolutely immerse yourself in a subject in that Very Autistic WayTM, more than anything these are brought on by dire circumstance(the former especially by the question of his very humanity), and as we don’t see Sephiroth as a child, it’s uncertain as to whether he displayed these behaviours as such and to this degree under ‘normal‘ circumstances.

Even so, I get the feeling that Sephiroth is very analytically-minded, in a very Stranger In A Strange World sort of way(not in any way referring to the 1961 novel by a similar name, lmao). I get the feeling he’s the type of person to pick up some highly-esoteric text just for fun and come away with a menagerie of strange and unusual and obscenely specific factoids that he’ll remember for the rest of his life.

Like, someone might mention a topic offhandedly, and though he’d keep his mouth shut because He’s Like ThatTM, a slew of all the little bits and pieces he’s seen or read on the matter over the years would just jump to mind.

What I’m trying to say is, I think Sephiroth would take joy in painstakingly pouring and mulling over topics that not many people would have the consideration nor the mind to hold any long-term, inimate interest in.

If the last point was easily brushed aside, then this one you’d merely have to breathe and it’d fall apart. Nonetheless, I feel that within fandom’s current common framework with how we perceive Sephiroth, this wouldn’t be too much of a stretch.

I, however, want to make it clear that I can see the issue with labelling Sephiroth as neurodivergent. He could all too easily fall into the cliché of cold, emotionally and socially-inept, often rather callous depictions we see all too often in the heavily-neurotypical media that sees us as Missing Something; less than. Things have gotten better, but even still, there’s such a tendency to flatten us down to the things we can’t do, or lawd as us Potential Einsteins in spite of it-- Which, just, while it happens, on the whole it isn’t very helpful or realistic to expect this from us.

We are by no means a monolith, and while I take comfort in the idea of a neurodivergent Sephiroth, I understand that for some, it can feel like taking on a label to a character that vaguely fits the stereotype, and thus, perhaps, insinuating that to be autistic you have to look Like That-- And when it comes to villains in particular, it’s all too easy to dip into demonisation.

This isn’t even getting onto some of the issues that’d have this fall apart, were we to look at other symptoms. The first that comes to mind, and one that even I, as innocuous as I am, experience: sensory overload.

While it is entirely possible that Sephiroth learned to deal with it accordingly in life, or was forced to surpress it, because Shinra’s Science Department(cough cough Hojo) has been shown time and time again to force its subjects into little boxes and blame them for any failures expressed, the fact is that such a symptom could make fighting on the battlefield downright impossible.

Again, this is something that could’ve been given a ‘solution‘(as much as you can or even should think about long-term surpressing your basic thresholds), it nonetheless remains an issue.

I just hope that, on the whole, this served as some food for thought.

TL;DR: Sephiroth is autistic because I Vibe With It.

Also, happy Disability Pride!

[the-bee-graveyard]

Carlos Rodriguez: The Autistic: The Essay

An essay by Rory, @the-wckd-powers

Note: none of the gifs are mine, I found them on giphy.

Disclaimer: This is based purely on my opinion and experiences, I’m not looking for an argument. I’d be more than happy to hear other people’s opinion on this topic though! Also, spoilers for High School Musical: The Musical: The Series

Special thanks to @madmathis18 and @thechangeling for encouraging me to write this essay

1. Man’s Does Not Sit Still

I’ve watched the whole show once and a good half of the episodes twice and I don’t think he sat still once in his time on screen. 

This became quite clear to me in (I think) episode 6 of season on when Miss Jenn left him in charge of the show. He was clearly quite stressed in this episode and he was tapping his fingers on his knee and I was just like, damn, that seems like stimming.

Then there’s my favorite example, his little happy dance when Seb said yes to going to the homecoming. I’ve done that same thing many times in my life. It made me realise when he’s excited Carlos is usually moving.

2. Special Interests

He literally made a board game based on High School musical, that has big special interest energy right there. It’s brought up a lot his passion for High School Musical.

He says himself that he was obsessed with Glee.

His relationship with dance reminds me a lot of my own relationship with writing, it’s a special interest that has stuck with me through all my special interests. Like Glee and High School both have dance(and singing)  in common.

Just to put this in there because it doesn’t fit into my other categories, it’s mentioned somewhere Carlos still sleeps with a stuffed elephant I think, and stuffed animals are autistic culture at this point.

"Tornadoes come and go. Dance is forever!"

3. He Struggles Relating To People His Age

As Mr. Mazzara put it somewhere in season one (I’m putting it a lot nicer) Carlos’s only friend at the beginning of the show was Miss Jenn. He literally ate lunch in her office. 

As the show progresses and Carlos grows as a character we do see him make more friends (he even makes a romantic connection with Seb) but he still struggles with communication. 

At the beginning of the show (and even in “Tech Rehearsal”) he has trouble standing up for himself, specifically to EJ. He has obvious self-esteem issues, and pushes himself quite hard to meet his own and other people’s expectations. 

In “Most Likely To” when practice is shut down for a week he becomes quite visibly distressed, and he takes out his stress on Seb, which is completely unfair, but he doesn’t know how to handle his emotions so that’s how he processes it. (I’m not justifying the things he said to Seb, that was kind of fucked up)

4. He’s Blunt And Loud

This one is pretty clear to everyone I think, but Carlos is quite brutally honest with just about anything. My favorite example is that face he made when he was acting with EJ. 

He says in season 2 episode 1 "I'm Mexican and gay, this is my inside voice!" but he also could be quite loud from being autistic. From personal experience I tend to not realise I’m yelling even when I am, typically when I’m excited. I think. Carlos is the same way.

Thank you for reading me terribly worded essay! 

[mimicutie]

Pit is Autistic - A “Brief” Analysis

Kid Icarus: Uprising is my favorite game of all time, and one thing I love about it is the characterization of Pit. Specifically, I see him as autistic. Of course, this is just a headcanon of mine, but I wanted to write out a little discussion explaining why I see him as such as well as show some of the autistic traits he demonstrates in Uprising (and the occasional reference to the Guidance conversations from Smash).

(fair warning, this is not very brief)

Difficulty Understanding Words and Jokes

It’s made abundantly clear that Pit isn’t the best at picking up sarcasm or jokes. At times, he struggles with understanding words, phrases, and context. Here’s an excerpt from Chapter 11.

Pit: Good! There are survivors! Palutena: They’re a stubborn bunch hanging on like that. [...] Pit: Uh… stubborn? Palutena: Oh, I didn’t mean it like that.

Here, Pit doesn’t understand what Palutena means by “stubborn.” It’s pretty common for autistic people to struggle understanding parts of speech, such as words being used in different contexts than what they’re used to.

Medusa: Hmm… Now this is a little… bizarre. Pit: I know right? The mouth on that guy! I’d never talk like that! Medusa: That’s not what I meant. Palutena: Sorry. He can be a little… thick.

Once again, Pit is misinterpreting the situation. He doesn’t understand what Medusa is alluding to, thinking that she is talking about Dark Pit’s brash behavior. Palutena’s last comment hints that it’s very common for Pit to misunderstand people like this.

Pit: I’m Pit, servant of the goddess Palutena. I’m here to defeat Dark Lord Gaol. Magnus: So you’re here for a slice of the pie too? Pit: Huh? Pie? Where?

Chapter 2 has several examples of Pit not picking up on obvious jokes or idioms, and here’s one. Pit takes the idiom literally, not understanding what Magnus really means at first.

Viridi: Pit certainly is devoted to you, Palutena. Hades: Only because she squeezes his head wreath when he doesn’t follow orders. Palutena: You mean like… THIS?! Pit: No no no no no! You’ll squeeze my brains out! … (sigh) Why do I always fall for that?

In this example from Chapter 15, Palutena is clearly messing with Pit, but as he stated, he always falls for her jokes. Even though it’s clear she is just teasing, Pit can’t pick up on the fact that she isn’t being serious. He consistently struggles with understanding tone.

Pit: This is so annoying. Lady Palutena, help me out here! Palutena: Deploying the Palutena Super Sensor… Pit: I didn’t know you had a super sensor! Palutena: Hee hee. I don’t. You know I like to make stuff up. Pit: I can’t believe you’re messing with me at a time like this!

This dialogue from Chapter 13 is just another example of Palutena clearly joking while Pit does not pick up on it. Even though Palutena has done this time and time again, Pit still struggles to tell when someone, even a person he is incredibly close to like Palutena, is just messing with him. These are just a few examples. Pit commonly struggles with understanding language and tone throughout the game.

Using Words Differently

We can see that Pit has his own unique vocabulary with his own creative phrases like, “Calamaried!” “Re-defeated!” “Pulverazed!” and so on. Pit also makes LOTS of noises throughout the game, all of his “woohoo”s and “woah”s and whatnot. It’s just how he communicates, even if it's a bit particular or different.

Expressiveness

Pit is excitable. Like, really excitable. Sure, he’s a fun video game protagonist, but he’s always very happy-go-lucky and upbeat in a way that reads to me as autistic. Just look at how he jumps in excitement!

And when he gets the Three Sacred Treasure?! Gifs can’t really do the excitement in this scene justice. (link in case tumblr embed isn’t working)

Additionally, while Uprising doesn’t have a lot of cutscenes with Pit just standing around talking, in the ones where he does he is usually very expressive, using his hands to talk and whatnot. Added with his excitability, I feel that this shows us that Pit is so expressive and emotional because he’s autistic!

Extra Help

Pit needs more help with understanding things in comparison to others. Palutena often goes out of her way to guide Pit, whether it be giving him directions or explaining how to defeat an enemy. While Palutena’s advice does work as a guide for the player, it’s clear that Pit needs the help more than someone else his situation might. The clearest proof we have of this comes from Chapter 22.

Palutena: Watch out for that heart-shaped crystal barrier! You see, it’s— Dark Pit: Reflecting my shots back at me, right? Palutena: Well… yes. Dark Pit: I got it, so stop telling me what to do! 

Palutena is expecting Dark Pit to be like Pit, where she needs to explain to him what’s going on and offer her guidance. However, Dark Pit was able to figure out a strategy to defeat Pandora all on his own. Palutena is very aware that Pit needs a bit more help and prepares accordingly for him.

Accidental Rudeness

Many times throughout Uprising, Pit is shown speaking “rudely” towards gods or characters who have authority over him.

Pit: Oh, great! You’re the guy I’m looking for. Listen, I have a favor to ask you. Would you mind if I borrow your chariot for just a little while? Chariot Master: Your foolishness is matched only by your rudeness. How dare you charge in here, flinging unreasonable requests at me? [...] Viridi: You can’t really blame him for being upset. That was kind of rude.

Here, Pit is talking to the Chariot Master very casually, treating him like a friend despite the fact he is breaking into the Chariot Master’s tower and asking him for a precious artifact. Pit doesn’t see it as rude but Viridi and the Chariot Master clearly do. He is breaking an unwritten social norm by talking so casually to someone of high authority. Autistic people often misinterpret social situations or don’t act appropriately, sometimes resulting in “rude” behavior. There are several examples of this throughout the game, such as in Chapter 24…

Pit: You know, the Three Sacred Treasures weren’t exactly durable. Can you please make sure that this new weapon won’t just fall apart? Dyntos: Palutena, you’d be wise to put a muzzle on your chicken.  Palutena: I apologize for him. Again. Pit: I… I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to be rude.

To Pit, he is just stating a fact. However, it comes off to Dyntos as Pit being rude or even insulting his work. This is something that autistic people often do; they are blunt or honest about something, which is again mistaken as being rude.

Pit is also seen being more blunt when under emotional stress, such as in Chapter 20.

Pit: I trusted you because I knew you were on the side of justice, and… and light! But something is blocking that light now. This isn’t the real you. Viridi: Someone cue the strings… Pit: Would you mind holding the commentary for two seconds, Viridi? Phosphora: There are goddesses you’re talking to here, Pit. Watch your tone. Pit: Butt out, Phosphora! The goddess of light has turned dark. Skyworld is destroyed! Everything is wrong, and it’s up to me to make things right! Palutena: Oh, Pit. You’re just as naive as ever. Pit: I’m not naive!

Phew. This scene is pretty noteworthy to me because throughout the game, Pit is never really that angry or upset. He does show hostility, but he never really snaps at anyone, much less gods, like this. But when his home is destroyed and Lady Palutena is not herself, his emotions get the better of him. He doesn’t even seem to care that he is being “rude” to Viridi. I definitely see this moment as Pit having an outburst because of the stressful situation he is under. 

Scripts / Scripting

The most obvious example of Pit using a script is with his “rally cries” that he prepares before fighting enemies. Look at the idol description for this AR Card.

He practices his rally cries a lot in order to be prepared for battles with bosses. Pit even mentions practicing his rally cries in a later chapter.

Pit: Cells of Hades, hear my words! And, um… see my actions! Uh… something, something… I’m going to rain death on you! I can’t remember all the words, but that’s the general gist. Hades: My innards have so longed to hear your battle cry. How could you forget the words? Pit: I didn’t have time to rehearse. I’ve been busy fighting evil, okay?!

While some may see the rally cries as meaningless fun, I think it could be seen as Pit having a script that he likes to fall back to when facing enemies. 

His many references and quotes to video games could be seen as scripting, too. There are lots of instances in Uprising, and especially in Palutena’s Guidance, where Pit quotes famous video game phrases or imitates sounds. Which leads me to…

Special Interest

Pit’s special interest is video games. While Pit’s very vast knowledge of video games could just be because of Uprising’s fourth-wall breaking style of humor, I think it could also be seen as Pit having an intense interest in games. He references various video games such as Metroid, Nintendogs, and Super Smash Bros. in-game. He seems to enjoy bringing up video games or referencing video game mechanics whenever he can, which is very similar to how autistic people enjoy bringing up their special interests in conversations whenever possible. Additionally, while the Palutena’s Guidance conversations aren’t 100% accurate to canon, Pit constantly references and alludes to various video games in them, such as quoting Reyn in Shulk’s conversation or Peppy and General Pepper in Fox’s (which ties back to him scripting). It’s clear that he loves video games and talking about video games!

Pit: Those Aurum troops are doing their best Game and Watch impression! Viridi: Check out the gaming IQ on this guy! You’re a regular video game historian!

See, even Viridi is impressed with his video game knowledge! :D

Sensory Issues

Throughout the game, Pit seems to have an obsession with hot springs. It is never outright explained why he loves them so much, but I’m led to believe it is because of sensory reasons. Many autistic people use extreme temperatures to help soothe or calm themselves, such as cold showers or hot baths. It can often help with sensory overload. Hot springs, similarly to hot baths, may be a way to help soothe Pit and keep his sensory issues to a minimum. 

Pit’s habits with his tunic seem to hint towards sensory issues, too. He doesn’t like to be without his robes, stating that he keeps them on even when he’s in the hot spring. When his clothes seemingly get messed up in Chapter 21, he gets upset, exclaiming that it’s his only tunic. Wearing the same clothes or same types of clothes/fabric is pretty typical for autistic people, and Pit wearing the same tunic everyday is similar to that.

Additionally, Pit’s habits with food could be because of sensory differences. He very well could be hyposensitive to food and tastes, which is why he eats a lot and doesn’t seem to care about what he eats (as long as it isn’t vegetables, according to the Revolting Dinner short ;D ) . 

Small Social Circle

Pit doesn’t have a whole lot of people he can rely on. Before Uprising, the only person he seems to have any affinity for is Palutena. Other than that, he doesn’t seem to talk to anyone else. We don’t have a clear picture on what his relationship with the Centurions is like, but based off of the Revolting Dinner short and Chapter 17, he only really talks to them when he’s working as the Captain of the Army and not as a friend.

While yes, Pit is the only angel left in Skyworld, I still think it’s important to bring up that Pit only really has Palutena to rely on. By the end of Uprising, he has Viridi and Dark Pit as well, but his only clear and completely positive relationship is his mother-son bond with Palutena. I see this as Pit struggling to really befriend others. He’s had over two decades between the original game and Uprising to befriend the Centurions, but again, he only really has Palutena. It’s pretty typical for autistic people to have very small social circles, consisting of just one or two friends. Palutena seems to fit the role of mother and best friend for Pit, and she even remarks that he should make more friends in Chapter 4. 

Working Alone

This is a small one, but still something that I think is worth pointing out. Pit seems very adamant on accomplishing his missions on his own, telling Dark Pit on two separate occasions (Chapter 9 and Chapter 21) that he can handle the situation by himself. Similarly, it’s common for autistic people to prefer working by themselves rather than with others. Paired with the previous point about having a small social circle, this just reads to me as Pit not feeling too comfortable in situations with others.

Conclusion

There’s a few other points that I feel I could bring up but overall I think these are my main points summed up (and yes, I said summed up. this used to be over 2500 words) ! Thanks so much for reading! If you have any other traits that you think Pit has that I didn’t mention, feel free to share them, I’d be more than happy to hear! ^_^

[rachelbethhines]

Tangled Salt Marathon - Keeper of the Spire

You wouldn’t know it upon first watch, but today’s story is one of the few non-filler episodes of season two. 

Summary:  In order to acquire the third scroll piece, Rapunzel, Eugene, Cassandra and Lance travel to the home of the Keeper of the Spire and meet Calliope who informs them the third piece is kept inside the Spire’s vault at the top of the mountain. The group begins the long journey to the Spire's vault the following day and become increasingly annoyed by Calliope’s rude, arrogant and inconsiderate behavior. Despite Calliope's treatment, Rapunzel insists they still need her help all while they being dangerously pursued by the vault's protector, the Kurlock. The group eventually reach the Spire's vault, but again encounter the Kurlock and discover Calliope is not the real Keeper of the Spire.

Once Again, ‘Destiny’ Isn’t a Goal

If you want to build up some sort of mystery with the scroll pieces and what awaits Rapunzel at the end of her quest, then that’s fine. But at some point you have to actually explain what her destiny actually is, how the scroll connects to it, and most importantly, why she needs to fulfill it. 

We’re never given a reason for why Rapunzel needs to reconnect to the moonstone, nor why she couldn’t have just stayed home and did nothing. The scroll itself doesn’t tell her anything and what it leads up to has nothing to do with ‘destiny’ and ultimately comes to nothing in the grand scheme of things.  

Indeed, much like the quest itself, things would have been better for everyone had she not found the scroll at all. 

Meet the Best Written Character In the Show

No, I’m not exaggerating. Calliope is the only recurring character in the series not to get royally screwed over by last minute rewrites and poor pacing. In fact her arc may have actually been improved by the dumb creative decisions of season three.  

Which is a problem because she’s not a main character. Her story and arc shouldn’t be more well rounded than Rapunzel’s. It’s also clear, given how the writers try to pitt her as annoying thorn in the heroes sides that is only tolerated because she’s useful, that they weren’t expecting the general audience to identify with her, and so her subsequent portrayal as the most developed character in the show is fully accidental.    

We Finally Get Some Indication of Cassandra’s Age

Well first off, we probably shouldn’t be getting such information about our deuteragonist this late in the game, but also, putting Cass in her early 20s recontextualizes her arc the same way Varian being 14 recontextualizes his conflict, but in the opposite direction. A 24 year old is more accountable for their actions than a 14 year old. Always will be. 

And before people try to get all pedantic on me; yes she’s only 23 here, and Varian is currently 15. What I meant is those are their ages at the start of their villain arcs, because the linear progression of time is a thing. 

This Joke Actually Highlights One of the Bigger Problems of Season Two

I laughed when I first heard this joke, but that’s cause I was under the assumption that they would go on to develop a friendship between Cass and Lance as the season went on. But they don’t. 

Cass never has any focus episodes that aren’t about her failing relationship with Rapunzel. She never interacts with the other four people that she’s traveling with outside of group scenes like this. Not even with Eugene, who we spent the whole previous season establishing a bond with. 

This undermines Cassandra’s arc in several ways. She less well rounded and developed without other people in her life besides Rapunzel; it ignores her place in the show as the older and wiser friend if she’s so majorly co-dependent upon only person. It also ignores what was set up in season one in order to push a certain narrative later that clashes with what we the audience already know.  

Plus there’s the added effect of other characters getting poor representation within the story. 

So Why Didn’t the Others Come Along Again?

I understand not being able to take the caravan upto the top of the mountain, but the road was wide enough to get it up this far. Also it didn’t take you all day to get here so you could just walk back to camp. 

But let's get to the real reason why the caravan was left behind. The writers wanted and excuse to get rid of Hookfoot and Shorty. Because they didn’t want to write them into the story. Because they have nothing to do with the overall plot and together they’re one too many characters to keep up with and give stuff to do to. Which begs the question of why they were ever included into the season at all. 

Also why leave Adria behind? She was the one who sent them up here. She’s the one who has a vested interest in getting Rapunzel to the end of her journey. She’s the only one driving the plot at the moment, so why not have her present to do just that?  

Rapunzel is a Hypocrite 

There’s not a single description that Rapunzel says here that couldn’t be applied to herself. 

Which would be funny if the writers ever actually acknowledged this within the series. 

Having parallels simply exist on their own and not actually inform the story is bad writing. Same with character flaws; acknowledge them, use them to advance both the plot and the characters, and build off of them to establish character dynamics. This is in part why Calliope is the better written character between the two of them. 

Behold, the One and Only Time Lance and Rapunzel Hold a Conversation with One Another! 

Speaking of characters not getting enough focus.... It’s just a set up for a recurring gag in the episode, but this is indeed the only point in the series where Lance and Rapunzel talk, about anything. 

It’s not just Cass who is prevented from establishing relationships, it’s literally everyone. All of Rapunzel’s focus episodes alternate between Cassandra, Eugene, or a random side character. Cassandra only gets focus when with Rapunzel. Eugene only gets development with either Rapunzel or on his own. Lance is only ever shown interacting with Eugene or Adria, outside of some highly specific one off instances like here. Hookfoot is left out in the cold save for three episodes and two of them double as New Dream folder. 

We’ve managed to pair the cast down to only six, as opposed to a whole kingdom’s worth of characters, and yet they have less development here than they did in season one. The group does not feel like a group, and that is a problem. 

How is This Meant to be Encouraging? 

Ok, I get what the writers were going for here. Calliope has low self esteem. she feels useless because she’s lost her only support group, her mentor. So Rapunzel is ‘inspiring’ her to fulfill her dream of becoming the new keeper of the spire. 

However, this is an incredibly bad take. 

Calliope lacks self esteem because she’s lonely. Her dream of becoming the keeper is directly tied to her father figure, who up till now was the only person who gave a damn about her. She only wants to impress Rapunzel because she wants a friend and she believes that she needs to be useful in order to get that. And here is Rapunzel and the narrative reinforcing that belief under the guise of ‘achieving a dream’. 

No fuck that! 

You don’t need to have a ‘purpose’ to have friends.You shouldn’t have to prove yourself useful just be respected and included. Also, Rapunzel doesn’t even befriend her. She just uses Calliope to get what she wants and then avoids her for the rest of the show; only checking up on her out of obligation in season three. 

So not only are we denied another female friendship in a show bereft of female relationships, but we also have a character who can be easily read as autistic by the audience needing to prove she’s useful to society in order to be accepted. 

Ugh! 

And yeah, I said autistic. We have a character who fails to pick up on social cues, hyperfixates upon her special interests, is rejected by society for trying to share these special interests, and she even pulls out her magic linked rings to fiddle with when stressed, which can be coded as a stim. I’m not saying that this was the writers’ intent, but nevertheless these are traits that people on the autism spectrum tend to identify with. 

So how insulting is it to watch this episode and see someone you could relate to being constantly put down by the heroes behind their back and then never apologize for it, even when said character admits their own fault? 

So Are We Ever Going to Get Any Background on this Spire? 

So the spire is one of the few places that is plot important in the show. Yet we never find out why it exists, who built it, how it came to hold such important plot devices, nor the story behind the keepers who guard it. It’s just there, and that’s infuriating because it’s both a lack of much needed worldbuilding and lore. 

Still A Better Dad than Frederic

Leaving for months on end without telling you loved ones why and where you’re going is a shitty thing to do. Doubly so if its just to teach your kids ‘a lesson’. However, The Keeper still winds up being a better parental figure than most of the other dads (besides Cap, who is awesome) in the series. That’s how low the bar has been dropped by Chris and his weird ideas on parenting. 

So What Was the Lesson Here?

Ok first off, Calliope didn’t need to be reminded of anything. The Keeper says as much. She was always persistent. The only lesson that she does learn is not to lie but apparently that’s not what we’re supposed to take from this episode. 

But what are we supposed to take away? Because Rapunzel doesn’t learn anything either. There’s no admittance of wrongdoing on her part  and she does not change her outlook or behavior from this encounter. 

Calliope at least learns to become more self assured after this episode and remains honest and true to herself once the episode is done with. Rapunzel however is the same. You can’t claim that this is ‘Rapunzel’s story’ (Chris’s words not mine) if it’s only random side characters who are allowed to grow.  Which is yet another reason why the main cast of characters don't get the development and interaction that they should.

That’s also why Calliope is better written than the main character and she shouldn’t be. It’s a bewilderingly oversight of basic writing.

Conclusion 

I don’t mind this episode. As I said in the beginning, it is one of the few non-filler episodes in season two. However, there’s a lot of problems with it to the point where I can’t actually call it good, just mediocre. 

[rebelscum-2187]

So after nearly 22 years of life on this planet, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am high functioning autistic. I believe I fell through the cracks of an early diagnosis for the following reasons:

1.) I am Female (I learned how to mask myself very early on)

2.) I have a gifted IQ (above 130) and was classified as such in 4th grade so no one considered that I could be both ASD and intellectually gifted.

I am in the beginning stages of unmasking and am currently seeking an official diagnosis. Right now, I’m trying to write down everything I know about my neurodivergent experience so here’s a list of things I’ve experienced and believe to be relevant. If you can relate or you understand please comment and share! I’m new to this community and it feels so good to finally meet people who understand and can relate. Ok, Here we go.

“So the general population doesn’t memorize scripts to movies or watch the same one every day for a year?”

“People think it’s weird that I prefer to have subtitles on when I watch stuff, even though I don’t have damaged hearing”

“I watch movies with subtitles because I won’t understand what’s said if I don’t read it. I have no hearing issues.”

“I cannot hear/understand someone if I have one ear bud in and one out. Too much sensory input at once.”

“I thought I had a hearing deficit because I literally could not understand people at church or parties or other places with a lot of background noise, and I was so confused when they told me my hearing was normal.”

“I love star wars. Not just love but I could tell you what planet each character is from and what kind of ship they use, what model droid that one is and I will gladly talk about it all day if you let me. Everyone now gets me Star Wars stuff for my birthday and holidays”

“Eye contact is so uncomfortable for me that sometimes it ‘burns’ to maintain it, but then I overcompensate and stare too intensely. Over the years, being female, I’ve forced myself to make eye contact for a certain number of seconds and then look away a certain number of seconds but I’m concentrating so hard on that, that I don’t remember anything that was said to me.”

“Giving me verbal directions is a special kind of hell. I need it written down.”

“I can memorize pictures of things and exactly where every kid sat in my 10th grade US history class as well as my 9th grade geometry class.”

“I never fit in anywhere, in my childhood, most of my adolescence, except the swim team and my new church.”

“Team sports are the worst. I can’t communicate fast enough, I’m bad with hand eye coordination and keeping track of a ball. I excelled in individual sports and fell in love with swimming.”

“I often found it much easier to make friends with older kids because I could have intelligent conversations with them and their good social skills could make up for my lack of social skills.”

“But, I had a few friends that were considerably younger who I could still play imaginatively with dolls when I was 13 and one particular friend was 9. I had a lot of trouble getting a long with her sister who was the same age as me.”

“It physically pains me to hear someone mispronounce a word, spell something wrong, or make a grammatical mistake. I corrected my cousin A LOT when we were kids, she frequently got mad and I couldn’t understand why. My grandma would tell me to stop because correcting people is rude.”

“One of my special interests as a kid was dolphins. I was 5-6 years old and I remember being so excited when my mom let me check out like 10 books from the library and I read them quickly and multiple times.”

“I corrected a teacher one time about dolphins. She said dolphins weren’t whales and I knew FOR A FACT that ‘dolphins were a type of small whale’ because I read it in one of my books. She laughed at me and so did the rest of the class and I felt stupid even though I was right. This led to me suppressing my knowledge and real self and ultimately more masking.”

“As per that last one, my memory is impeccable.”

“I had another special interest in dogs when I got a bit older. My mom bought me a book with every kind of breed of dog, where they came from, their temperament, their size, everything. I can still, to this day, tell you the breed of dog just by looking at it.”

“I always wanted a best friend but never had one. I had groups of friends but never someone who would call me their best friend. When I got a boyfriend in high school, I was so excited because he called me his best friend and he was mine and I finally had that feeling reciprocated. He also had a gifted IQ and dyslexia, ADHD and a few other things so we understood each other quite well.”

“I can’t tell if someone is flirting with me because I can’t read between the lines. I also don’t know how to flirt because if I like a guy too much I get soooo nervous and I stumble over my words and it’s a disaster.”

“When I liked this guy (last year, 2019) I would freeze up so bad when I talked to him that I rehearsed every conversation I wanted to have with him so I wouldn’t mess it up. I would write topics in the notes section of my phone before hanging out with him so I’d remember what to ask him. It made for very awkward and forced conversations and probably drove him away.”

“Sarcasm and jokes almost always go over my head. The boyfriend I had in high school was very funny and outgoing but used a lot of sarcasm and it always caused disagreements because I took him seriously when he was being sarcastic.”

“I talk slowly and very monotone.”

“I have no difficulty reading in my head and can read/comprehend it well, but reading aloud is difficult and I often stumble over words and mess up.”

“I need directions repeated multiple times before I understand.”

“I went to the beach to hang out with some church friends yesterday. They all play spike ball and are so confused as to why I sit there and don’t play. I’ve tried playing spike ball but it involves way too much hand eye coordination and I’m so bad at it that it’s embarrassing. So I don’t play.”

“That same night, a group of them said ‘let’s play uno!’ And I was so happy to play something familiar that didn’t involve a lot of coordination. Then they said ‘we’re playing SPICY uno, right?’ And immediately my heart sank because I knew they were playing a different way that I wasn’t familiar with. Again, receiving verbal directions was hell and I didn’t understand it. I was so bad at it and wasn’t getting it, and in the middle of the game I had the urge to cry. I wanted to cry because I couldn’t even get this right. I suppressed the urge, of course, so they wouldn’t think I was even more weird than the already suspected. Another group of people that I wouldn’t fit in with.”

“Making friends has always been so difficult. Once I make a good friend I hang on to them for as long as possible even if they’re not very nice because I’m scared I’ll have to make a new one if I lose them. And we all know how hard making new friends is for me.”

“I’m a perfectionist. Especially with my art projects. When I took a painting class I realized I do it the wrong way. You’re supposed to paint layer by layer over the entire canvas and focus on small details at the very end. I work on one small area at a time and do small details too soon. I often spend way too much time on small details before I realize that the larger shape of the object isn’t proportionate and then it’s too late.”

“I won’t even attempt tasks if I know I can’t do them perfectly.”

“I have perfect pitch. I don’t know if that has anything to do with autism or that I just started music lessons when I was young. I can tune instruments perfectly without a tuner or reference note and I never understood why my orchestra teacher had me play the A key on the piano over and over again while she walked around and tuned everyone’s instruments when I could do it without any reference. I can hear it in my head.”

“When my parents got me a keyboard at age 7-8, they were impressed because I could sit down, without listening to any song and find the notes of a song I liked by ear. I still do that today but my piano is very out of tune and it bothers me.”

“Autistic boys tend to isolate and not care about concealing their stims or weird behavior but girls don’t. I am a ‘loner’ and always have been but I want so badly to belong and have friends and socialize, but I’ve always been so bad at it that I strike out every time. I often drink at social gatherings because it helps me loosen up and talk more freely. I guess it helps me lose the mask for a while.”

“I HATE people touching me. I’ve always hated it and still hate it to this day unless it’s someone I’m super comfortable with. I’ve been told I have the ‘dead fish hand shake’ and I’m an awkward hugger. My friend picked me up from behind and carried me for a few seconds because we were all goofing off and having fun but afterwards I was so mad at him I got really quiet and didn’t talk for a while. I told him later on the ride home that if he did that again I would slap him. “

“Everyone thinks it’s weird that I don’t like touching people, and some of my friends who also don’t like touching people were abused and I always thought, ‘there had to be a reason, maybe I was abused as a kid and repressed it.’ It’s been so long and I’ve finally realized that maybe it’s just because I have Aspergers or ASD. “

“When I make sarcastic remarks or jokes I often have to clarify because I say them in such a monotone way that people think I’m serious.”

“I’ve always joked that I’m just really clumsy and uncoordinated, and chalked it up to being tall and lanky. That’s why swimming was the perfect sport for me. Little to no risk of injury and not much hand eye coordination needed to be good at it. Just hours of practice, technique and endurance.”

“I also injure myself quite a lot because I’m ‘a klutz.’”

“Stims: I scratch my head and then smell my fingers and I will do this for hours if I am able (I know that one is weird so I only do it at home) popping my knuckles a ridiculous amount of times when I feel uncomfortable and don’t know what to do with my hands. I twirl my hair constantly (that one is pretty socially acceptable so I do it in class nonstop). I tap my foot or bounce my leg, I make weird facial expressions and forget to hide those. People notice but they often think it’s funny because I’ll make a face if someone says something dumb and make an expression that people seem to relate to. I scrunch my nose if I’m uncomfortable or just whenever.”

Special interests: Star Wars, Disney (I know every word to every Disney song and I watch animated Disney movies over and over again, like literally every night) dolphins, the ocean, dogs, theology/the Bible.

“With my art work, and other things, I will get so focused on a painting that I will work non stop for 8-9 hours (all day basically) and not eat because I’m so focused that I forget to eat.”

“I think I slur my words a lot and sometimes my friends will laugh and be like ‘did you just say ____.?!?!’And I’ll clarify and they will continue laughing and say ‘oh it sounded like you said this.’ I hate when that happens.”

“Loud noises really bother me. I jump if I hear an unexpected loud noise and I hate people yelling, even if it’s not directed at me, it makes me want to cry. “

“I loved the color blue so much as a kid (I still do) but my entire wardrobe was basically different shades of blue t-shirts. I also only ever wore baggy t-shirts and baggy cargo shorts (I kinda dressed like a boy) because it was comfortable and I didn’t like getting comments if I looked “cute today”. I hated the attention. I also never ever wore my hair down to school. It always had to be up in a tight pony tail. I still don’t like my hair being in my face to this day and wear it up almost every day.”

“The other day, I was hanging out with a friend and she was trying to tell a story but I kept getting distracted and interrupting her. She said, ‘Emily, you kind of interrupt people a lot.’ At first I was hurt, but then I realized it’s not entirely my fault and it’s an autistic thing.”

“I mask so much that I have rehearsed responses to social interactions and will often get so nervous or start speaking from the script before I realize I’ve said the wrong response. Of course I’ll think about it all day after that and think of ‘well great, so and so thinks I’m weird now.’”

[jamboreeofsurprises]

idk how to say this in a way that wont come across as whiny and dumb and make it even more apparent how autistic i am but whatever, its my personal blog, it’s meant to be a judge-free zone anyway. its not like im not putting out this thought to change how anyone feels about anything im just ranting.

pixar has been an important special interest of mine for decades (!) as their movies were literally some of the only movies i looked forward to seeing as a kid. i hated going to the theater because of the sensory nightmare of it all but braved it for pixar movies because they tickled my imagination so much. nearly every year had a new pixar movie which was a big event in my life for that year. i think they have struggled a lot since the 2010s especially as an over-focus on sequels happened (largely as a result of corporate disney grip) so don’t assume by any means i’m uncritical of them. as with anything else i like, i’m not about to pretend like it’s golden all the time just because i’m a fan

but i feel like most of my mutuals now immediately want to assume negatively of pixar because theyre mainstream and un-vogue and pretend like the incredibly stagnant, unchanged western animation landscape they were born of didn’t exist and how crucial their defiance towards it was for moving the medium forward. when it came to western animated movies we had disney movies and disney-imitation movies, that is to say, Fairy Tale Musicals and Other Fairy Tale Musicals. which, don’t get me wrong, i love a good fairy tale musical, but pixar were special and not just for beautifully introducing & advancing 3d cg feature animation, but because their angle was telling completely new stories that challenged this whole format. it was absolutely a breath of fresh air. and the movies could be pretty genuinely touching too for both older and younger members of the audience, usually without even having to have melodramatic character deaths or anything. monsters inc. is pure character-motivated drama and the ending made me cry buckets as a kid and still does because the characters are lovable and relatable. you don’t have to throw in a dead parents backstory or whatever for me to sincerely feel that emotion for them.

as we ushered into the 00s and walt disney animation, dreamworks, etc got a load of the critical and commercial success of pixar, their response was to copy the technology but very little of the creativity/heart. dreamworks i have come to realize at least with Shrek were still doing something pretty subversive albeit in a different direction that i think was forward-thinking but by and large, attempts to hop on the wagon of what made Pixar capture the world’s attention were pretty misguided. i think as the 00s progressed more unique animated movies started coming out as things picked up real good around 2009 (you need only glance at the academy nominations that year to realize just how varied and good every entry was) so pixar kinda got left in the dust a bit in the 2010s, and the change of direction didnt help but my god, that doesnt override their significance in the whole pantheon of animation. but i feel like everyone is forgetting that and it makes me feel like im losing my mind that im the only person remembering just how crummy most other american animated movies of the 00s were. dont get me wrong im not saying that anyone who dislikes pixar or is critical of a movie of theirs is doing it to be some Mean Hater™, but i feel that the level of negativity is strangely disproportionate to that of other animation studios which is like ??? is it just because people like them and have for years so now we have to turn that around arbitrarily?

idk i just feel like because other studios have stepped up their game some people discredit pixar entirely and that hurts. the thing that has sucked the most about it is how i don’t even feel allowed to eagerly anticipate anything pixar is going to put out even when i want to because it has to immediately be couched in such harsh judgment and discourse, which /*AGAIN*/ is not me saying they’re infallible and should never be criticized. anything and everything is open to criticism, i have my own apprehensions about some of their movies too. i just feel like the aura of negativity online surrounding each pixar release now leaves me an anxious mess while anticipating/watching the movie instead of going into it with the childlike wonder i want to go in with and could go in with because i feel like ppl are going to think i’m basic or just flat out stupid for liking the thing, no matter how sincerely.

which like, i’m not friggin basic. kanashimi no belladonna is one of my favorite animated movies lol. and so is up (the movie that made me interested in animation & storytelling as artforms), ratatouille, etc ... its almost like some mainstream things are good and popular for a reason?

this rant isnt even telling you anything, i know ive historically been overly sensitive to people being critical/negative about things that mean a lot to me and i need to get the hell over it, i just feel frustrated by everyone’s relentless negativity these days and feel like at this point so much of it’s not even coming from good faith

[thistangledbrain]

Autism Awareness/Acceptance Month

Day 5!

“Special Interests”

Have a quiet Autie in your life? That won’t last long if you tap into their special interest. We can’t shut UP when we find someone who’s genuinely curious about what lights us up.

Every older Autie I know has at least one special interest, sometimes several.

Mine? Dogs. Primarily.

And I mean EVERYTHING dog, but starting with behavior. Then in no particular order, health/genetics, various breeds and their traits, training....literally everything. Even the genes that define coat color & pattern, and what physical genetics are tied to behavior (if you’re curious about that, start with the Russian studies about domesticated foxes and what happened to their red coats, the more tame they became). It was horses when I was younger, but I soon moved to dogs when getting into my late teens (more affordable and accessible I guess lol). And if I don’t know the answer to your questions, we find out together, because I *need* to know, too. 😉 I can talk dogs with you literally all day and never get bored...which helps socially, too (I’ve mentioned that most of my closest friends are dog people) - I have a larger network of friends than most other auties I know, and it’s because of a shared passion for all things dog. 
Then there’s the sciences, but particularly quantum & theoretical physics. I. Fucking. Love. Physics. LOVE IT. Unfortunately, my brain hits a wall with more advanced mathematics, so I can’t “do” physics on the level I want to. Luckily for me, my oldest son is also pretty obsessed with it, and he is now pursuing a degree in physics....so when he comes home, we sit down with his notes and he breaks it down for me (the language behind the experiment or action). I have pictures of his notes saved on my phone, for simply the silly reason that I like the patterns of the math (it’s the “universal language”, if you didn’t know), and like to daydream about understanding it. (He struggles with the math as well...we are both HEAVILY right brained...but he manages.) If there’s a documentary out there about physics (plus many lectures), I’ve probably seen it multiple times. Idk why quantum physics in particular interests me...maybe because it’s almost like magic. ☺️ Quantum entanglement fascinates me, and the theory that things aren’t what they are unless/until you observe them...I can get stuck absolutely obsessing over these things.

Nature/animals are the big background special interest that the specifics tie into, though (and this ranges from astrophysics to the life cycle and structure of an ant colony - and even human psychology). Concerning observable animal/plant nature though (and this is a big one for me), Sir David Attenborough is my hero lol- no one else answers the questions I have, and opens up the natural world for me, like that dude. It was Mutual of Omaha’s nature shows when I was a kid, now it’s him. Sorry not sorry, but a doc on the secret life of plants is *fucking riveting* to me. Science is my JAM! 😆 I am happy to recommend any docs to any other fellow science nerds (Through the Wormhole, The Elegant Universe, and Cosmos are all MUST SEE - if you’re a nature nerd, of course Blue Planet, Our Planet, Life...gosh. So many great series). When I get on a science kick, I get the same feelings I get when I’ve tapped into a difficult dog’s psyche, and we start to figure things out. It’s an absolute thrilling obsession, and I am very restless until all my “why/how” is answered. It’s never enough - I never know enough, and I never will.

It’s also an area where my perpetual 2-3 year old is consistently mostly satisfied. I mean that’s the whole scientific community in a nutshell LOL! “WHY?” “HOW?!” When I was a kid, I’d have to write down all my questions that weren’t answered by our Encyclopedias, and wait till the weekly library trip to find the answers I sought. Now, I have a smartphone and Google LOL....and I cannot even begin to describe how consciously thankful I am for that quick access to answers!! Questions will *eat me alive* sometimes, so answering them in a timely fashion is sooooo satisfying 😆

I guess I’m a bit of an artist/creative personality. I’m unhappy when I don’t have space to create....but that space is pretty damn large, because I’m into almost all of it (you can’t exactly fit a miter and bandsaw into your apartment studio, so I’m very grateful I have the space for the power tools LOL...)

From building things to fabric crafts, I love it all. I get way burned out if one of those things become a “job”, though (ehh except being paid as a regular employee of a historic renovation construction firm LOL) - something I HAVE to do. Then it’s not enjoyable anymore. I had started down a path of marketable creations, and they were in high demand...but then it became something I HAD to do for money, instead of wanting to do for enjoyment - and I haven’t touched that particular craft in 8 years or more now (which frustrates people, because I was good at it). 🤷🏻‍♀️ That’s one of those things I really can’t help. My oldest son seems to be sort of similar....he’s commissioned several pieces (and secured his first few at a VERY young age), but he also tends to get a little frustrated when he’s expected to create something, instead of the urge naturally striking him. The whole beauty and satisfaction from art - for me anyway - stems from pure imagination without constraints. When you’re doing something to please someone, it ceases being art, and turns into just...a skilled task you completed. That’s how I look at it, anyway. So even though I could actually make my art into a career (at least supplementary income), it ceases to be enjoyable for me *at all*, unless I’m creating something for someone who means a lot to me. That, and I really just prefer to give my stuff as gifts. It makes me feel good to see people light up with joy over what I’ve made for them, whatever it was. (I also do a shitload of remote training with people and their dogs, for free. I point folks towards the trainers I respect if they need extensive in person work, but lots of folks don’t have several hundred bucks to sink into understanding their dogs better...so...I just help where I can, now. I think it *used to* frustrate my husband, but he absolutely understands now & is cool with it.)

Oh. And rocks and minerals. I’m an obsessive rockhound LOL - and a cousin is a geologist, so he can break down how and why each is so unique, how it formed & why, etc. I’m actually currently converting a large yard sale antique wardrobe into a piece that can showcase Sir Tommy on one side, and my extensive rock and mineral collection on the other (waaaay not extensive enough, but you might be surprised how expensive quality specimens are. Take moldavite for example...fascinating thing...little chip of it about the size of your pinky nail will run you $20 +, because it’s rare. And yes I am fascinated by the metaphysical value attached to these minerals, and why that’s even a thing.) The way minerals form - let’s cite Aragonite as an example - just captivates me.

So I guess those are my main special interests! If you have a *young* Autie in your life, try to expose them to various things. To find a “special interest” is to find a way to ground ourselves. Special interests are a bit different than...well, I’m not sure what words work for stim interests that you can escape into for NT’s, but it’s less of an interest, and more of an obsession for us. It consumes us.

So anyway, EVERY Autie has a special interest. It could be science, it could be gaming (that’s a big one with lots of males, and not a small one for Autie women either, because it’s an escape you actually have to engage your brain in) or computers; it could be mathematics or art. It could be animals and nature. But eventually (for those of you with wee Auties), Your Pet Autie ™️ will find something that they absolutely obsess over & gets them excited to share their knowledge or creations with you. I encourage parents of auties to help them explore the world and find their niche. It helps us navigate your world, and find a way to be at home in it. It also gives us something to fixate on other than our bumbling attempts at fitting in to a world not built for us.

Circling back - if you know an autistic in your life that you want an “in” to get to know, start with their special interest. (Of course we recognize when you’re doing it just for the merits, versus when you actually want to learn something from us, but we appreciate both, really. It gives us a chance to ...idk. Feel important, maybe. At least that’s what it is to me, and my boys. We love to feel needed for our knowledge!)

Special interests are truly your “in” to an Autie, regardless of what their subject is.

So that’s MY take on the special interests. What lights your beloved Autie up?

[matildaisautisticandproud]

April 19th-26th - 30 Days of Autism Acceptance

April 19: Talk about scripting. Is scripting something that you normally do? What kind of situations do you have a script for? Does it help you?

Yes, scripting is something I do on a regular basis. The most common example of scripting with me is how I have a plan to say “I’m good, how are you?” every single time someone asks me how I’m doing. Without fail, I say that exact same thing every single time since it is one of many prepared responses I have.

Scripting does help me a lot. It allows me to not have to worry as much about figuring out the proper thing to say.

April 20: Discuss stimming. In what ways do you stim? What does stimming mean to you? What do individual stims that you do mean? Do you have any stim toys? What would you like people to know about stimming?

I stim vocally, sometimes visually, and more often than not, through touching fabrics or doing repetive motions.

Stimming is a way for me to help decompress and self-regulate. However, I don’t always stim when experiencing a bad emotion. If I am overly excited or happy, I will start to stim then too. It just helps me cope with the powerful emotion I’m experiencing (I stim mostly in accordance with strong, negative and positive, emotions).

I haven’t exactly figured this out yet. All I know is that when I made this one specific sound (it’s hard to describe), it usually means that I’m overwhelmed in a bad way either by fear, overstimulation, et cetera. However, my most common stim, clenching my hand into a fist and shaking it kind of like you would a maraca, is something I’ve yet to place any specific thing to. It do this stim almost all the time and I don’t know why; it just helps.

Yes, I do. I have a tangle, quite a few stress balls, and a few other miscellaneous items that I like to fiddle with or touch. Additionally, I have this game that’s supposed to mimic bubble popping. That’s literally all there is to it: You just keep inverting the rubber (silicone?) circles over and over. It keeps me occupied for far too long XD.

I would like people to know that stimming is an aid to us and that we aren’t doing it to annoy people. I wish that I wasn’t so embarrassed when I stim, but most people think it’s weird when you start flapping your hands and that of the like.

April 21: Give a shoutout to some of your favorite autism blogs/autistic bloggers

I am still new to Tumblr and am very inactive on here so, I haven’t really found too many autistic bloggers except for the person who created this challenge. If anyone has any suggestions for people to follow, please let me know! :)

April 22: What are some social rules that do not make sense to you/that you don't understand?

I don’t quite grasp the concept of not revealing too much to other people and I don’t understand why people don’t just say what they mean. As a person who over-shares way too much for my own good, I easily get carried away and people often get annoyed with me. I just don’t know when to stop. On the subject of the other concept, I’d rather you tell me I’m irritating then continue to pretend to enjoy our conversation.

April 23: Do you have any internal rules? What are they?

Well, whenever I feel the urge to stim, I have a rule to myself that when in public, I have to make it look as inconspicuous as possible as to not call attention to myself. I also have to tell myself to at least try to make eye contact every so often, not start spilling tons of information on my special interests even if they’re mentioned, and so on.

April 24: Talk about community. What does the autistic community mean to you? Is it important? How does it feel?

I don’t know much about the autistic community as I’m not really an active participant in it. Yes, I spread knowledge and awareness about autism, but I haven’t really done much to talk to others actually within the community. I’m a little socially awkward and shy so, that’s partially why. However, I still think it is a beautiful thing. The community allows for autistics, who feel alone or just need someone to relate to, to find help with their specific struggles and to find people who share similar difficulties. I think that that opportunity is a wonderful thing.

April 25: Do you know any other autistic people off the internet? Is anyone else in your family autistic or are you the only one? Do you wish you knew more?

Yes, one of my best friends, who happens to still be in high school, is autistic. I have met her in person numerous times because we grew up in the same area (she still lives there) and our parents are friends. Now, I stay in touch with her over social media and texting.

When it comes to my family, there are at least two others who are autistic. There is a male cousin of mine on both sides of my family who are autistic, but I hardly know either of them.

I do wish I knew more people who are autistic, though if I have too many friends, I’ll start to get overwhelmed. My statement still stands nevertheless.

April 26: In what ways can allistic people better accommodate you and other autistic people? What would you consider helpful?

I think the biggest thing that would help would be for people who aren’t on the spectrum to come with an open mind. Don’t poke fun at us, judge us, et cetera. Let us stim if we feel the need to, don’t make fun of us if we’re socially awkward or don’t talk at all, and just overall, be kind and accepting. We’re human just like you.

[dreamingdolls]

I’m tired

CW: Lots of swearing because I’m done and meh, it’s a coping mechanism of sorts.

Tired. Fatigued. Exhausted. Whatever word you wanna use. A bunch of things both big and small have just been stacking up way too much over the past months and fuck it I need to vent and let it all out.

I’m tired of my mom going full fucking Karen with this pandemic, ignoring all the advice and regulations put into place and just about ridiculing me when I want to make sure I stick to them myself.

I’m tired of this guy in our gaming group constantly making snark remarks and jokes at me because he’s still hurt I dared not name him by name and instead list him as an “etc” (context: We splintered off from our WoW guild to play XIV, and wanted to ask if others wanted to join us, so I listed the people we play with there). You had been inactive for two months dude. I’ve already apologized but you’re still convinced I have some vendetta against you.

I’m tired of this friend who I’ve listened to his problems and tried to give advice to over and over and over still insisting on calling me dude when I’ve fucking told him I don’t want any male-gendered words directed my way. No I don’t care you use it as a “gender neutral” term. I don’t. End of story.

I’m tired of my mother claiming she’s oh so supportive of my being trans because gasp!! She doesn’t outright disown me for it!! Still deadnaming me and telling me I have to pretend for family and her colleagues though. “Oh but I’m only deadnaming you with my friends because I don’t want them to ask difficult questions.” Cool, if it’s all in my best interest, I say stop it, and if they do ask, idk, maybe fucking call them out on their bullshit and actually show you are supportive.

I’m tired of helping people achieve their goals in the games we play only for them to then turn a blind eye when I have a goal that requires group play. When I play with pugs more regularly than our actual group because yall got what you wanted how the fuck do you think I feel.

I’m tired of living in a world where it’s a nightmare to be autistic. The autism isn’t the issue. How people will treat you for it is. I’ve seen fake-progressives going all “don’t use the r-word” then turn around and use autism as an insult instead. Well fucking done. And you wonder why I just stay quiet. God fucking forbid my autism shows.

And on that note, I’m tired of being told shit is problematic and then nobody bothering to explain why. I’m tired of being afraid to even ask questions, because simply asking feels like it’s already going to get you fucking cancelled. Hi. Yeah. I’m autistic. I need shit explained *clearly* in words that don’t keep contradicting each other.

I’m fucking pissed off that I’m always there for people when they get shit news but when my father mailed me some weeks ago he never wants to see me again nobody even fucking bothered to ask me if I’m okay. Hell most people probably forgot because I didn’t make a huge scene out of it. Is that what it takes to get a fucking pulse? Yes I hate him. Have done so for years. But fuck me it’s still my father. It still fucking means I’m now never even going to have the chance of mending anything there.

I’m angry at this group I used to play with, that mine splintered off from, telling me I abandoned them cause I mostly play with my own group. I was literally the only one from the group that once was still trying to keep in touch with you guys and the thanks I get is a fucking “we dont want you back”. Fine. I can see why everybody wanted to get rid of you guys.

I’m tired of getting fucking abandoned by everyone. I can only make plans to play Overwatch with you and have you neglect it so many times. I can only hear you say “oh I’m gonna chill to end the night with these people” this many nights, like thanks, apparently us playing isn’t chill enough. I can only have my hopes raised only for them to be dropped that many times.

A special fuck you to the person who after lots of protesting got me to install LoL to play it with them, then one night after I bit the bullet and played Overwatch with her friend group, total strangers to me, we played my game and she told me I had upset her after accommodating to literally anything she wanted - she wanted to play HotS on US where I don’t have my full character roster despite the fact I played LoL on US for her so she could have her roster, it wouldn’t have made a damn difference for her cause she’d be new to HotS either way, then handpicking mode and what character I should play to best work with her pick and everything - and then just after half a year friendship and entrusting a lot of our personal lives to each other just randomly deciding to remove me off her friend list. Never explained what I had done wrong that night.

Fuck it, I’ll just admit it. With my other groups seemingly having decided they no longer wanted to play together I saw her as my best friend. Maybe even developed a crush. We literally played LoL every fucking night until like noon my time cause of time difference, laughed on voice chat and everything. And then bam. Gone. Just like that. I know she’s not gonna read this but fuck it. I miss her despite the anger I feel writing this.

I’m tired of being nice to people who turn out to be hateful.

I’m. So. Goddamn. Exhausted. And all of this needed to get out. So there.

[troglobite]

gonna be honest i feel like me and brooke are the ones that get to talk about our interests the least

but at least everyone supports her when she’s going through something, and ask her what she wants or needs or how she’s feeling

i still. don’t fully understand why i didn’t get that. 

btw i mean ‘that sucks for brooke to not be able to ramble about her interests most of the time, but at least she’s still supported in other ways’ not like in the bitter ‘but at least SHE gets’ tone. more in the ‘but at least she gets’ 

anyway.

maybe things aren’t as bad as i thought they were.

but i still feel like i’m owed answers and self-reflection, and i feel like only brooke gave that to me.

everyone else kind of just........threw meaningless and empty answers at me.

but if i say a version of that to them they’ll get mad and accuse me of doing something awful, idk.

i’m also just frustrated that we all agreed we’d be clear and ask for what we wanted when bringing up heavier or more serious stuff

and so far literally NO ONE has done that

and yet, case in point, all 4 have given and received exactly what they always have and have refrained from giving me: enthusiastic engagement, questions, emotional support, offers of help, commiseration.

so maybe things aren’t as bad as they feel.

but at the same time i still don’t think/feel like i can talk to them about serious stuff.

i also don’t feel like i can talk about any of my interests at length. and that INCLUDES things that i thought were shared interests.

idk i just think there’s a subconscious thing where either i don’t matter as much, i don’t get the same kind of thought or treatment or concern.

i just. keep thinking about.

“i’m concerned about raven. [spots me] oh and you of course! i’m concerned about all of you!”

and

“[fully interrupts me mid-sentence when i’m talking about being miserable and lonely, refuting weird compliments that have nothing to do with what i’m talking about or how i feel] i’ve never seen someone so brave try so hard to deny it”

or

“so how are you brooke? raven? brittany? oh and me? yeah so we’ve all shared, we good to play dnd now?”

or even just being seriously triggered and upset and bringing that to them 

saying

‘hey the way y’all were talking to my character reminded me a lot of bullying growing up, so if we could like, redirect the language that’d be nice, please’

and getting incredibly awkward stilted silence and

‘you know we don’t think that about YOU right? we don’t think you’re those things.’

....i never specified WHAT it was you said. you guys never called my character any names. your characters just treated mine like absolute shit. ignoring me, undercutting me, interrupting me, disregarding me, taunting me, mocking the things i was interested in. as my character. all things bullies did to me.

so what the fuck do you mean you don’t think THAT about ME?

additionally. the character WAS BASED LOOSELY ON ME. all the parts of myself that i was taught to hate.

i like overzealous enthusiastic nerds! people who are excitable about special interests! autistic people!

and they AUTOMATICALLY AND IMMEDIATELY reacted negatively towards me

made it a joke that i didn’t have friends, that i was friends w an incredibly annoying kid in the school (LOL OF COURSE!! haha right?!)

and now, a year later, when brooke asks ‘hey did we ever wanna finish that halloween game?’

tatum just says ‘we didn’t!’

like i’m sorry we never discussed that, you never consulted us, and all four of us have brought the game and the characters up on more than one occasion

why the FUCK did you get to decide that without talking to us? the only reason we ever paused the game was bc your internet kept dying. 

tthen i brought up feeling bullied and i said, explicitly, ‘so when we keep playing it, can we move away from that a bit?’

and now suddenly we’re just never finishing that game for some reason. 

i can’t help but see the connections there

there’s.

it feels like there’s care and love for me--or a version of me. but it doesn’t extend as far as it does for the others. i don’t get space bc the perception is that i already take up too much. 

and no matter how much i communicate about my communication and social issues, there’s just. 

still this really fucked up, confusing, and honestly ableist assumption that i’m just a dick?

like i’m working really hard over here and it’s just never enough.

but whatever

[coldtomyflash]

Why do you think len has a mental illness?

I don’t mean to say he specifically does, or specifically has any particular definable mental illness. That’s part of why I worded that the way I did: “He doesn’t externalize (his) symptoms of mental illness and neurodivergence” necessarily have mental illness or neurodivergence, but if he has either, he doesn’t externalize his symptoms in the way that Mick does.

But more generally, I do headcanon/believe he has some mental illness. I think Len struggles with (episodes of) depression, probably some form of an anxiety disorder though maybe not always at a clinical level, and has (had) PTSD from his childhood and upbringing. And I’d say that it doesn’t show that much in part from the fact that he internalizes more than he externalizes, he’s had so many years to work through some of it, and also because he has coping mechanisms (sometimes maladaptive ones) that make it manageable. It also flies under the radar on a show with so many other people with varying levels of mental illness, like Mick, or Rip with his grief and depression, or Sara with her own struggles too.

Some signs of Len’s mental illness come through in his ‘adrenaline junkie’ way of doing things, the way he seems addicted to it and to continuing to up his game, needing more of a thrill and a rush from stealing over time. I’d argue there’s self-worth problems tied up in there, throwing himself into danger, heedless of his own well-being. Addiction in most of it’s forms tends to be due to a persistent lack of reliable social connection (including in the early, like up to 18-20 parts of life) or lack of social support. Survivors of abuse also show issues with self-worth and depression and anxiety pretty commonly, though of course everyone deals with these things differently.

More evidence on the anxiety and evidence of PTSD side? There’s his strict adherence to a plan and timing things to the second, that meticulous need for order when it comes to his work. And then the fact that he literally shot a guy for wanting out without thinking twice, a sort of highly extreme hair-trigger reaction to a reasonable situation. A learned, knee-jerk reaction that came from somewhere. It fits with other signs of hyperviligance we see from him, including the fact that he always knows when Barry shows up, or else knows whenever there’s someone behind him, and often keeps something at his back in a room, even though he doesn’t always. Should also say the way he responds to his abuser (Lewis) is telling.

It’s worth noting, though not everyone will agree with him on this, that most of the positive emotions we’ve seen him express are in the form of sarcasm or sardonic wit, in the middle of a heist and then it’s more exuberance and a rush than actual joy, or else his positive emotions seem far more muted. I would argue he therefore demonstrates difficulty in experiencing at least some positive emotions, if not a larger range of them. And we know he has serious difficulty with trust.  He pulls his weapon on his best friend and other allies when he feels threatened or backed into a corner in any way. Pulling the gun on Sara on the Waverider was an act of panic. And not that it shows, but like killing anyone who wants out, it looks almost like a knee-jerk panic reaction he suppresses and deals with through violence. 

Anyway...

There are a lot of plausible headcanons for Len in terms of mental illness and neurodivergence. These are just some of mine. I know some people see him as maybe having obsessive-compulsive disorder, which seems possible, and is technically an anxiety disorder so fits with how I see him more broadly. Some have headcanoned different personality disorders, which I know less (but some) about and I enjoy those headcanons. 

And more frequently, I’ve also seen him described as on the autism spectrum and I can 100% see it. Stimming with throwing a ball or keeping his hands busy, wrapping his arms around himself in the way he does for physical pressure stimming when he’s overwhelmed or self-protective. His attraction to some of the things he steals could be due to special interests or stimming as well. He demonstrates a difficulty looking people in the eye or looking them in the eye for too long, and an awkwardness with certain types of social situations (but a smoothness when he’s not involved himself, when he’s following a ‘script’ of sorts like when he’s on a job?).

I’ll admit though, I know a bit about autism but people who are actually autistic can speak much better to headcanons on that, which is why it’s not something I typically discuss on this blog in too much detail. I will say though that I’ve been trying in my latest fic to write him more on the autism spectrum, but I don’t know if I’m having any success. 

Of course, everything here is a headcanon because canon never gives explicit diagnoses for any of it’s characters, we just get to conjecture.