#I know it's biased I'm not pretending it isn't

[anachrosims]

I had an epiphany about the greige luxe aesthetic disk horse and I’m here to share it:

Aesthetics are (mostly) neutral things, provided the aesthetic itself isn’t evoking/promoting an ideology that’s rooted in bigotry and/or harming other people. You’re allowed to like greige luxe, which is what I am personally going to call it from now on. Basically, an aesthetic on its own is not good/evil, it didn’t kill your sensei, etc.

Trends, however? Oh, my friends in Christ! My Dear Honeys and Bunches of Oats! Here’s where it gets fun, because trends imply a group of instances within a period of time. A trend is something you can chart out using a graph to say, “this style is being used X (how much it’s used) over Y (a period of months/years).”

When people gripe about the greige luxe nightmare, it’s because we’ve been experiencing it in a gradual crescendo for well over a decade. When a person gripes about a trend, it isn’t a personal attack against people who happen to genuinely have that personal taste, though I’m sure it can often feel like one.

 The problem in this specific case is that greige luxe has a lot of cultural baggage rooted in classism (this aesthetic has been promoted by companies sponsoring overpriced brands--looking at you Magnolia Home) and the diluting (literally) of other styles into being watered down. It’s taken the sleek and often fun pop of midcentury, Scandi, and midcentury modern and even rustic styles and literally neutralized them, sanding off the “rough” edges to make it all more appealing to a wider audience. 

Don’t believe me? Check out this article from the Guardian from 2022, which discusses that “... the origin of this great wave of grey goes back through centuries of western culture to a longstanding prejudice against bright colors, as explored by the artist David Batchelor in his 2000 book Chromophobia.” It goes on to explain, “Goethe’s Theory of Colors, published in 1810, maintained that bright colors were suited to children and animals, not sophisticated adults. ...  Still today, words such as ‘lurid’ and ‘garish’ have negative connotations. ‘Color is often represented as feminine, or Oriental, or primitive, or infantile, rather than grown-up and philosophical and serious … and it’s clearly indexed to issues of race, culture, class and gender,’ says Batchelor.” 

The article further elaborates on this by comparing the trend to what is associated with “’refined taste’”-- “’...a desire for the muted, the minimal, the sparse...’ Over the past 15 years, ‘what we have seen is a move from the yellow end of the spectrum to the cooler one – from beige, to greige’, amounting to what Fox calls ‘a desaturating effect’ across culture.” (Context: British art historian James Fox, author of The World According to Colour.)

As for the Sims community? Well... I personally associate the greige trend with permapaywallers and even well-known early access (but contraversial) creators following it excessively, leading popular builders to make lots based almost entirely around this greige luxe nightmare. In addition to cultural baggage, it’s now got community baggage heaped on, and I expect that’s what’s led to the visceral reaction we’re seeing. Basically in the Sims community, greige luxe is a whole thing associated now with appropriated styles that have been watered down, commodified, and associated with “upper class refinement”, especially to the detriment of variety and vitality.

The article does also point out that as society has become more and more polarized, the trend has grown, “...[s]ince the mid-2010s especially, people have sought not to be energized by their homes – but soothed.” And yeah, that tracks-- people want calm, want simple. And that’s okay! I myself genuinely like soothing rooms, color schemes that are softer--neutrals and pastels and washed-out rustica with a soft pop of color here and there. Absolutely lovely.

I also think there’s merit to wanting something more uplifting, and the article references things like recent tentative trends toward more color, like interior designs leaning for warmer tones, red dining rooms coming back into vogue, and even Apple’s more colorful line of products: “It suggests that post-pandemic people are prioritising not serenity in their homes, but joy.”

To bring it all back home: Yeah, like what you like. Just please try to understand that trend fatigue and changing times can and will lead people to yearn for something different, and it never hurts to branch out into new palettes and decor styles. While I understand the “mass appeal” of simple neutral colors and sleek styles, my own personal happiness needs a bit more levity, more vitality, lest I feel washed out and uninspired.

(I do recommend reading the article; it isn’t an actual indictment of greige, but rather a discussion illustrating opinions both for and against and the history of the “neutral” trend.)

Further suggested reading: How Are Color Trends Decided? Article from DraperyStreet in 2017, & Color Trend Predictions for 2023, from LuxeSource in 2022, & Greige, the Color That’s Taking Over Pinterest, from Business Insider in 2015.

[iniziare]

Consider Yelan's facial expression to be my own in reaction to opinions shared on both X and Tumblr, and I guess I'm in the minority of the 'loud ones', but I'm pretty excited for Natlan since that trailer, actually. The previous teasers left me a little 'eh', but this definitely got my hopes back up, and I'm back in the right spirits for it (and ready to catch some Pokémon.)

Now I wouldn't be me if I didn't touch on the salt that I've seen scattered across the dash, so here I go. Listen, I read people's objections and I see what you're all aiming at, but in that light want to note that it's often incredibly easy to point fingers (arguably too much so) at others while being, quite honestly, hopefully rather aware that many of our own countries, cultures, and its populations across the board (and no, I'm not excluding anyone here) would likely be just as easily guilty as MHY is with these things. And no, I'm not blindly defending them, but I also won't point fingers at only one without pointing them everywhere else as well, including those you might think would 'never do such things', because I'm absolutely certain that they would. /continues on in the tags.

[alittlebitofloveliness]

Misogyny in the fandom: let's talk about it

Not gonna lie, the level of interalized or even just blatant misogyny in this fandom is really disheartening sometimes. There is already VERY few female characters in the book, even fewer with speaking roles, and yet I see all of them being hated on in some way. People hate on Cherry for standing up for herself when Dally was harrasing her, and for not seeing Johnny in the hospital, which bullshit to begin with but also, you can't tell me that if the roles were reversed and Cherry sat down behind Dallas and starting talking about how stupid and classless greaser boys are, and Dally threw a coke at her, that the fandom wouldn't love him all the more for it. People hold her to this impossible golden standard, expecting her to literally be perfect instead of a conflicted and grieving teenage girl, when they embrace the flaws and give a lot more grace to much more violent and 'bad' male characters. It's a very 'boys will be boys' and 'girls mature fatser so they should know better' double standard that I really can't stand. Marcia gets a level of the same treatment, with people occasionally calling her vapid or shallow when the book makes it clear she and Two-bit actually really hit it off, and the number she gave him being fake was only Two and Ponyboy's speculation. But I digress. Moving on.

Misogyny and classism intersect when it comes to the few female greaser characters we get a little insight on. So many people LOATHE both Sandy and Sylvia because they're cheaters, but honestly, how is cheating worse than stealing? (And don't pretend they steal because they need to survive Ponyboy makes a point of claiming Two-bit doesn't really need or want half the stuff he shoplifts) How is it worse than jumping little kids? How is it worse than sexually harassing girls? How is it worse than the plethora of immoral or illegal activities the greaser guys partake in? If we're being 100% honest, it isn't. "But-but Sandy cheated on Soda, who really loved her". Yeah, she did. That was shitty of her, I'm not defending that, but she was also a sixteen year old girl in a tough situation she was trying to navigate the best she could. She could have lied and told Soda it was his and trapped him in a marriage raising a kid he definitely couldn't afford if she wanted to- but she didn't. Hell, she told him the truth and he was still ready to do that and she wouldn't let him. I don't think those are the actions of a completely terrible person, I think they're the actions of a scared kid who did some shitty things, but is trying her best and trying to do better. At the VERY least they're the actions of a multifaceted character who deserves the same level of grace and insight afforded to the male characters. (If anyone wants to read more of my thoughts on Sandy and her narrative importance, I have a post here). There's also something to be said about the poor 'greasy' girls facing harsher vitriol than the soc girls, and while part of it is because of Ponyboy's biased narration, it's clear to see that readers very much took his views at face value. Soc girls are 'good girls' and have to be perfect to deserve credit from the fans, but greasy girls are 'trashy' so it's ok for them to be judged and shit on. Spoiler alert: it isn't.

Sylvia is similar to Sandy in that her cheating and 'loose' behaviour earn her a lot of hate, which again, I'm not defending her cheating, but we need to give her the same analysis and benefit of the doubt given to Dally. Dally is NOT a good person. Ponyboy says this and makes it clear plenty of times. He's a hurt character, so we can explien why he is the way he is, but he isn't a GOOD character. he values loyalty, so he never cheated on Sylvia, but it's clear based on how he treats Cherry and casual comments he makes that he doesn't really respect women. I can't imagine Sylvia's experience dating him was one where she felt very adored. Again, not an excuse for cheating, but I can understand WHY she'd try and take back power within a dynamic and a society where she never had any, and I don't want to vilify her for that. She's also a poor woman growing up in the sixties- the book makes it clear life is hard enough for poor guys griowing up at that time, but it was probably equally if not more hard for poor women. I think, like the gang, she does what she had to to survive. If you can understand why the gang does bad things, and still be humans who can be considered good, you can extend the same understanding to Sylvia (and Sandy.) I think people need to also keep in mind that everything we know ABOUT Sylvia (and the rest of the female characters) we know from Ponyboy, a fourteen year old boy who's narration is INCREDIBLY biased and who doesn't have the full details of any of the relationships in the gang. Ponyboy sees Sylvia and Sandy as these terrible, loose women who have hurt people he cares about, so a lot of the fandom does too, but it doesn't change the fact that by doing so you're accepting and embracing Ponyboy's internalized misogyny and making it your own.

Anyway, I don't think I'm articulating this as well as i want to, and i spoke a bit more about this in this reply to one of the posts on the confessions page, but yeah, I just wish people could accept that fact that if they bend over backward to find ways to defend or explain immoral actions from male characters, but refuse to even attempt to do the same for female characters, they've probably internalized a bit of misogyny they should maybe work on.

[brucewaynehater101]

So there's a fic that I think you will like. It's called The Definition of Valor by Nerdpoe. Really short, spoiler free summery. Instead of loosing his Spleen, Tim looses his eyes. He makes special gadgets to help him with this, such as a device in is cowl that scans the room he is in and tells him what is where via coded sounds, like say, two low A notes followed by a chirp means there is a wooden desk to the north east of him. He also makes a special computer program for his grapple so when he points it somewhere, it will adjust his aim so he never misses and always attaches to a good spot.

This fic is giving me *so many* thoughts about the potential fall out of this being found out not as soon as Tim gets back to Gothem because he never tells anyone. Specifically it's making me think about Tim who is Bruce's dad not telling Bruce because he doesn't want to worry his son. He doesn't want to worry his grandchildren/siblings either so he puts in colored contacts and wears glasses when his cowl isn't on. The glasses and an ear piece have the same tech as his cowl to tell him where everything is.

How long would it take them to find out? Tim would never tell them, so do they find out on accident because Tim forgot the contacts that are his normal eye color, or because Ras is mad at Tim and tells them what Ras did to Tim? Maybe he got to mad and while ranting at a Rouge (either Harley or Two Face would be especially funny if he's just been hanging upside down and ranting and raving fo 30 minuets already) over one of their traps, he accidentally lets slip that he's blind, or maybe he yells at Riddler, "Nygma, this isn't fair! I've been completely blind since last July and my usual tech that tells me what's around me is getting fucked by your signal jammer! So either read the riddle to me out loud or let me go!" and then later Riddler scolds one of the other Bats for letting the blind one do the visual puzzles much to their confusion.

Hi!!! I love that fic so much! Have you seen the sequel for it as well? It's short, but a great read. I would die for more of this concept.

In that fic, Bruce turns out to be a good dad. While I may hate Bruce, the way that guy handles the situation in that fic is fantastic.

However, I would like a fic where this concept gets a delayed reveal. In the AU, Tim figures out how to function without his eyes.

He engineers technology to read people's facial expression/body language to help him out. It reads words for him, etc.

I wonder what excuse he'd give for wearing the earpiece and glasses all the time. Maybe he says it's another aspect to separate Timothy Drake from Red Robin?

Just Tim gaslighting and girlbossing his way into pretending he can still see. I kind of want him to keep up the ruse for a long while.

When he does get found it, it'd be hilarious if the others forget he's blind. Tim has engineered technology to assist him, but he still can't see. So they'll try to take him to activities they did together when he could see (like star gazing) or they'll ask him what he thinks of the color of their outfit. He also ruthlessly uses his blindness as an excuse to mess with people. If Timothy Drake-Wayne is known to be blind, he'll use it to accuse Luthor of being ableist at every chance he'll get. He also bullies the shit out of governmental agents and companies that don't provide accommodations.

I'm also a fan of Riddler finding out about it, but him just changing his puzzles to be accommodating. I'm biased towards Riddler (I love him so much) so it'd be cool to see the silent show of support like that.

Another AU idea: When Tim blows up Ra's bases, the explosions cause him to become deaf or hard-of-hearing.

Dealer's choice on how much hearing he loses, but I feel like this could be great to explore deafness and misconceptions commonly held in our society.

Tim would probably already know how to sign and lip read (might even know multiple different sign languages), but he would face a few difficulties.

He chooses not to disclose his hearing loss

People often cover their mouths or face away from someone when speaking (which makes lip reading arduous)

Ableist people suck

The world is set up for hearing people, so a lot of issues stem from a lack of accommodations rather than Tim's ability to hear

Tim chose not to tell anyone about the change in hearing for a few reasons: he doesn't trust anyone (especially during his adjustment period) and he doesn't want to be underestimated (wants to prove himself in the field before they try to pull him from it).

As far as technology to help him, the comms were easier to program than other auditory inputs. Since they were designed to transmit clear voices, he merely has to train a program to automatically close caption whatever is spoken (the automatic ones used today are useful, but still make too many errors for Tim's preference. Some also only do words automatically and leave out helpful information like laughing, choking, screaming, computer dings, etc.). Each Bat member has their own designated color. For those he doesn't interact with often, it says their name before every time they speak up.

Tim incorporates the visual overlay into his goggles and glasses. He can read what people contribute to the conversation based on that. It also leaves his hands free so he doesn't need to look down. His wrist computer stores records of what has been said so Tim can go back over it if he misses it. He also has the ability to change where the words appear on his field of vision.

I also hc Alfred is the first to notice that Tim is staring intently at his lips when he talks and has difficulties with the conversation when Alfred changes the way he pronounces words or isn't facing Tim (this is before Tim's tech gets perfected). From then on, Alfred makes a point of facing Tim whenever the teen is in the room. They both don't talk about it until the rest of the family finds out (however long that takes).

Feel free to add more to either AU!

[soraviie]

he's not your bias.txt

━ type: bts x gn! reader  ━ masterlist

━ about: fluff ━  pictures taken from Pinterest

━ a/n: requested and thank you for it! Please, like, reblog and leave a comment, you know the drill :]

NAMJOON: "It's Yoongi, isn't it?"

"Please, shut up."

"You shut up!...traitor."

Sighing, you adjusted your spine from where it was comfortably settled in the mattress and turn to the other side where Namjoon was grumbling, fingers tightly gripping the duvet and stare transfixed on a meaningless spot in the ceiling. His jaw was slowly working up into a full blown clench.

Cautiously, you reach to tug his hand into yours, rubbing slow circles on the back of his palm. Thankfully, he allows this and in due time the tension leaves his tightened body.

"Why do you think it's Yoongi?" you wonder aloud once more. When you accidentally let it slip that he wasn't the first one who caught your attention, he said he didn't care, tossing that remark over his shoulder but you should have known better.

"I don't know," he trails off, shrugging. "He's cool, quiet, determined, caring. A perfect guy, really."

"So are you."

You smile into the duskened air of the dim bedroom, hoping this will be the straw the breaks the back of his worried camel but then he turns up his nose, offended.

"Not enough to be your bias."

Your head slams against the pillow - exhausted.

"I'm with you not him. I admit there are a lot of admirable qualities he has but it's just that. To me he's an idol, but you're Kim Namjoon."

Tepidly, he takes the bait and glances at you from the corner of the eye, imperceptibly scooching closer, sheets rustling in the quiet.

"And is he so great? This Kim Namjoon?"

"The greatest," you press a soft kiss against his cheek. "Now be a good boy and go to sleep."

You place his hand firmly over your waist, relaxing once more and you hear him do the same thing as well. He did not need to know who you actually biased - that certain bandmate would get his ego stroked far too much than even a fan such as yourself could allow.

YOONGI: "I'm completely fine about meeting him! Now just pretend we don't know each other and be casual about it."

Yoongi draws a deep inhale, refusing to let your hand go.

"There's only two of us here," he remarks, pointedly glimpsing around his studio. The air was laced with the stench of paint whilst the canvas you both worked on dried away in the dark corner.

"So? I could be a new staff member."

"You're sitting in my lap."

You glance down to where your thighs rested on top of his.

"Perhaps you're a pervert," you state off-handedly. This offends him and rolling his eyes, Yoongi unceremoniously shoves you onto the floor. It was exactly in this moment when you fought to preserve your balance, the door cracks open and to your great mortification Jimin comes in.

The easy smile on his lips drops faster than your gut can and with gaze hastily flickering between you and Yoongi, he steps cautiously forth.

"Oh, hello," he greets, trying to mask the awkwardness streaming out of his very pores. "I don't think I've seen you around...?"

"Yes, I'm just..." you floundered, quickly growing breathless in the presence of someone shaped like a sheer perfection. The pixels truly did not do him justice.

"Your biggest fan," Yoongi concluded dryly from his seat. "So if you could be so kind and sign a scarf or something, I'd be grateful. This one is slobbering up all my studio."

You could only turn around with mouth wide open despite no sound falling out of it. Innocently, Yoongi meets your gaze, daring to be so aggravating and proceeding to flutter his unfairly pretty eyelashes.

"Oh," Jimin laughs brightly in the background. "I don't mind signing something..."

Whilst the blood in your head boils to the degree, a straying fear arises of it simply pOpPing off your head, Jimin so graciously loops his signature on the back of a ripped note containing your and Yoongi's grocery list. Once he finishes, he lifts his head, gives an absolutely paralyzing smile and...

...winks.

WINKS!

"Ehhhhheheheheh, thankyou."

You think that somewhere in the back of Yoongi's throat there rises a sentence of "that's just embarrassing" but as you whip around, murder in the eyes, he chooses to ultimately stay diplomatically silent.

"I just remembered, there's a thing I need to do," Jimin excuses himself, bowing politely and you try to do the same but it comes out as a bit too deep. More like you're ready to accidentally worship him. As he leaves, lingering for a second too long in the doorway, his gaze jumps curiously between you and Yoongi.

"Interesting," is all he says to himself before leaving altogether.

Deep silence veils the room, interrupted only by the rhythmic ticking of the wall clock.

"We're breaking up," numbly, you announce.

"No, we're not," smugly, Yoongi remarks over the shoulder.

JIN: "Well, I can't say I'm surprised," Jin speaks over the rim of his steaming cup, overtly self-satisfied. "With a face such as this and my perfect personality to boot, you really stood no chance."

Personally, you have had a very, very long day. The kind of which leaves your brain leaking from the side of the ear and the soul from the bottom of the waterline, so hearing that coming out of his mouth, accompanied with a smug expression that just begged to be humbled, you slammed him down with no hesitation.

"I was talking about Jungkook. Jungkook is my bias."

The cup in between the saucer and his lips freezes halfway and you can even vaguely hear an error noise drawn from the depths of his perplexing mind.

"The sexy brunette, hitting all the notes with a grace of an angel..." he clarifies, closing his eyes. Does he think - see no evil, hear no evil?

"Is Jeon Jungkook. 190811 concert to be specifically."

The error noise grows louder.

"He was very sexy in that one. Absolutely mesmerizing. My core memory actually."

Calmly, Jin places the cup back onto the saucer, daintily pushing back a strand of unkempt hair.

"I see," he concludes and after a prolonged moment of stretching inaction during which you almost grow to believe he has entirely turned into a statue, Jin states with nothing short of cornucopia of attitude.

"Well, I raised him so by any good business model, 25% of affection belongs to me anyhow."

"Oh, only 25%?" you grumble. "How gracious of you."

"You're right," he leans his head to the side as though genuinely thinking it over. "Inflation. Make it 45%."

And to your surprise no fuss was made. He went to sleep and kicked you twice in his sleep - as per the standard rate. A year went by and the fact was never brought up, be it in passing or even when conversation was on the topic, he merely sat smiling politely in the sidelines. You assumed that the piece of this knowledge was so traumatic, he suppressed the memory of it altogether.

"Hey, Jin," you called out, rifling through the bedsheets. "Have you seen my phone?"

Over the sounds of his infuriated screams about losing yet another game, there comes a hasty "no, sorry".

"Okay, can I use your phone to call myself?"

"Su-AH YOU GODDAMN TOE BRAINED ASSHOLE-re, honey!"

The password on his phone - your birth year, not exactly hacker worthy. You hover over the contacts list not finding in the appropriate section. Babe? Nothing. Honey? Nothing. Annoyance? Not even that. You trail purposelessly throughout the small splattering of contacts - an outcome of being forced to change numbers every - accidentally stumbling on a particularly suspicious name.

"Traitor 💔"

"Drama queen," you mutter fondly, deciding to let him and the name be.

HOSEOK: "He's a sweetheart," Hoseok whispers in the vicinity of his elbow where you were using him as an impenetrable shield. "He's literally going to be happy to learn you biased him."

"Look at his face! He thinks I'm annoying!"

"That's just how his face looks, silly. As Tae-biased you must know that."

"But he's scary," you whimper. "I adore him as a bias but I also want to run away. I do not want to be perceived."

You shrink smaller the second those soulful, weary eyes glide over to where Hoseok was so suspiciously angled. You squeak and hide even further behind Hoseok's back, praying Taehyung doesn't come over.

"Get me out of here, please," you mutter and with a quick wave, Hoseok leads you out of the building. There, in the chilly air of the oncoming night, the awkwardness and, truthfully, no small amount of panic evaporates into the black sky. For a while, both of you are simply content in holding hands and watching them swing back and forth.

"Ugh, I'm so lame," you whine.

"No, you're not. It's natural to be shy around people you idolize," he scolds you gently. "You don't think I'm soaring on the ninth wave of confidence when meeting my stars?"

"Well, you're cool yourself so there's no reason why you shouldn't," you scoff.

"And you're cool as well."

There's that tone again - it's useless to argue. Hoseok was not here to entertain your insecurities, he made sure of that from the very start. You smile to yourself, gazing out across the slowly running river. Walks like these were precious. Treasured even as they were so rare.

"You're not upset by it, right?" you clarify cautiously. Partially knowing that of course such a minuscule thing as this would not upset him but...it just didn't hurt to make sure.

"No," he chuckled airily, before awkwardly scratching the back of his head. "Actually I'm kind of glad about it."

"Glad?"

"Well, it'd be difficult to date you if you kept running away from embarrassment."

You chuckled, facing the ground as the streets and the river slowly molded themselves into a nondescript background.

JIMIN: "So...Namjoon told me you hung out?"

Easy. Casual. Even somewhat in passing. But you know him better than that and the second your sixth sense catches onto the lingering shadow in the background of his chords, you lift your head from the magazine and stray to where he was leaning against the countertop.

"I don't like him like that. Please, do not misunderstand."

"I'm just asking," Jimin defends, more so out of instinct. The very best and simultaneously the worst thing about the relationship you'd both cradled like a gentle flame is that by now you could read each other's mind. Despite not being there with him in person you know of the pang in his heart he'd felt when seeing a picture of you trailing next to Namjoon as you both were immersed in a conversation about art, one that'd surely make him bored quite easily. And despite Jimin not literally finding himself dug deep into your brain, he knows you worry, he knows you suspect, knows you're working overtime into scheming all possible future scenarios.

"Stop overthinking," he chides but there's no malice behind it and simply just as that the tension stretches and unwinds until there's only the soft ambient noise of life swirling all around.

"Does he know? You go rabid over him?"

Fully offended, you point the spoonful of yoghurt in his direction, a fat glob of peach splattering clumsily onto the tiles.

"I do not! Go rabid over him!"

Before you get the chance to reach for the paper towel, Jimin has already snatched a ply, wiped up the peach yoghurt and discarded it into the trash.

"Thank you. But I do not go rabid over him!"

Jimin pointedly stares at the your keychain where not one, not two but three Koya's hung limply around the metal circles.

"Of course, absolutely sane."

"Do not patronize me, Park," you glare at him but once geared to amuse himself in your miffed state, he shows no sign of stopping.

"You are so chill about it. Not like you spent hours creating TikTok edits of his dimples."

"You swore to take that to the grave," you growled underneath the nose, your clenched fist indicating you were extremely close to choking him. Which Jimin didn't exactly mind. In fact, such was his goal.

"Oh, make me take it there," he winked.

TAEHYUNG: "I'm not going to share Hobi with you."

"I'm your partner!"

"And? You're not getting Hoseok privileges."

You pouted the rest of the day away, grumbling about the unfairness of the whole situation. But secretly you felt your heart draw a heavy sigh of relief. It'd been so hard to get together with Taehyung that unwillingly it felt that even the smallest of things got inflated to magnitude you feared could drown you whole. But it was fine. If anything he seemed overjoyed in hearing that it was Hoseok who'd caught your attention first and kept a rather brutal chokehold over the course of these few years. Yes, it was fine. However, should Taehyung ever reveal you had drooled on yourself while watching "MORE", you would kill him and then yourself. A promise you'd made loud and clear to which he swore to obey.

And it wasn't like meeting Hoseok was something so necessary for you to live, feeling rather content watching him from the sidelines. In between life, Yeontan, Taehyung and all the secrecy that one had to accept came with him, your life was...full. So when one of these factors suddenly became absent, you grew suspicious.

Why did he sneak away before you woke up and came home when you were asleep? He couldn't be mad at you, could he? You think back, absent-mindedly tapping at the phone screen. "Daydream" blasts into your ears all too loudly and flinching you yank them away much to Tannie's disappointment. As of late, he appeared to be even more judgmental. You reckon the little rascal never grew to be quite okay with you taking so much of his dad's attention. But to be fair his dad's attention was on whatever third party that kept him away the entire day.

The slowly running anxiety prodded your eyes wide open so it's not like you planned to stay awake for when unmistakably Taehyung shut the front doors cautiously behind him. No, there was nothing for him to be angry about. He hadn't been home often enough for it to happen. As such, guided by latent curiosity, you pretended to be wholly asleep, cracking the barest sliver of one eye open to observe him through the dark.

Stumbling ungainly through the minefield that was your bedroom, it was no surprise he stubbed a toe against the dresser and choking on a series of half-withheld curses, collapsed onto the duvet.

"Good evening," you greet him smoothly. "Fun night?"

He yelps from the shock whilst you turn on the lights. Though you find him not with guilt gleaming in the eye or lipstick on the collar but rather brandishing two dozen of balloons and a photo album.

A photo album of carefully and might you say, artistically gathered collection of photocards, signed at the end by Hoseok himself.

JUNGKOOK: His eyes never left your figure, analyzing each and every interaction with a hawk-like precision.

Jimin? No, you were far too unperturbed talking to him. Jin? No, he'd been in your home far too many times drunk of his ass. Frankly, after he'd slathered your favourite plushie in the contents of his stomach, Jungkook doubted you could hold any sense of idealization towards the man, regardless if he was your initial bias or not.

Jungkook hummed to himself. Decisions, decisions. All of them wrong. His investigation was fruitless for so long Jungkook had all but abandoned it, resigning himself to sitting quietly by the stewing pot when at last something in you changes. Yoongi casually recommends a dish as he'd taken notice of your befuddled stare upon the cornucopia of the dinner table and you lover your gaze, bidding a very quiet, meek "thank you". As a year old boyfriend of yours, Jungkook could definitively say - you were not meek.

Ah, so it was Yoongi.

Why did he want to know so bad? He himself did not even know. Perhaps because you hid it away and the spitefulness of your action flared his own competitive nature. Or perhaps it was nothing at all.

Laying down in the sparse room of the lakeside guest house, he listened to you shower, weighing should he bring the matter . You loved him, not Yoongi. After all you were his partner, but...

No "but's", he scolds himself, turning to lay on the other side. You pad softly to the bed and with a drawn out sigh of utter content jump down next to him.

"Why do you keep sleeping with your hair wet?" Jungkokk nags, twirling a strand between the fingers. "It's bad for you health."

"I sleep better that way."

He gives a non-committal hum, knowing so much already. He briefly opens his mouth as though the words were already there - in the papillae of his tongue but then he closes it shut once more, leaving things unspoken

It doesn't much matter, he reckons happily, while you were still by his side, he would not doubt a thing.

© soraviii/soraviie, 2023

[kritzel]

Adams Past Thoughts

(English isn't my first language so sorry if I make mistakes)

After finishing HH I got to thinking, was Adam always the way that we see him in the show.

Because he, Lilith and Eve were created without original sin. So it wouldn't make sense for him to be a complete idiot from the beginning.

Here's what I think could be a possibility on what happened (after all we don't know how biased Lilith's book is):

First he and Lilith are created

Maybe he didn't really boss her around and it was more like a situation of a sibling telling the other sibling what to do (I know they where married but it's the only example I could think of)

"Just because you're older doesn't mean you can tell me what to do" kinda way (since Adam probably was made first)

But it was not supposed to be an order from Adam more like a suggestion

So Lilith walks of and meets Lucifer

Heaven realises Lilith won't work as a wife and they create Eve from Adam

Eve is a lot more naive than Lilith

Adam is explicitly told to look after her and make sure she is alright

He does just that and they both are happy together

Lucifer and Lilith create the fruit

And in a rare moment where Eve isn't with Adam she finds the tree

Eve eats the fruit

She gives it to Adam

He eats it too because he loves Eve and doesn't want her to endure the punishment alone

Everything goes downhill from here

I believe they were not really capable of feeling negative emotions before they ate the fruit

Eve being the first to eat it develops a lot of doubts towards Adam

Why wasn't he looking after me? That's what he was supposed to do now we are stuck in a world filled with danger and death

Adam ,who before the fruit didn't care about Lilith leaving him, was now starting to yearn for the woman he never had. She was supposed to be his and now she is with the most hated being of all creation.

They never really expressed the thoughts they had after eating the fruit with eachother

Resentment started building up without them really noticing

They still held love for eachother and tried to survive in a world full of danger

It went alright in the beginning

They had two kids

Everything seemed to look up

But of course Cane kills Abel

And that was the last nail in the coffin

Adam and Eve could not cope with the loss of both their sons (let's pretend Seth never becomes a person in this story)

They still tried to stay together

But the resentment grows bigger

Love turns into hate and a lot of hurtful things are said between them

They separate and go there different ways

And lets pretend Eve really did have something with Lucifer

As soon as Adam hears about that his hate for Lucifer and Eve just grows bigger

What is wrong with these women? What is it about this Lucifer?

He develops a lot of doubts about himself in his living life. Which causes him to develop the fear of being left by anyone who he lets into his life.

After he died he hears all about how great he is being the first man and all

And over the years he starts believing that he can do no wrong and it was only his wife's and Lucifers fault that everything went to shit

And even though deep down he wants a meaningful relationship he opted to just go for hook ups in fear of losing someone again

And after a few thousand years those things develop into the kind of person we see in the show

But this is just one possibility

I hope it is understandable what I'm trying to convey

Please share your thoughts with me.

What do you think happened all these years ago?

[peppermintquartz]

Love your writing! Thank you for all you provide for the bucktommy fandom! For the prompts: spiderman kisses

You're welcome! My preferred method to engage with fandom is to write fics and I'm glad people are appreciating them ❤️

Ooh that is a hard one. I'm gonna try.

*

"How long ago was this movie?" Evan asks, settling in next to Tommy.

"It's from 2002," says Tommy.

"Wow, that's, like, vintage."

"I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that."

Tommy figures the first Spider-Man movie (the best of the live-action adaptations, in his biased opinion) is a good blend of action and drama and romance to entertain Evan and himself. He found James Franco hot, back in the day, and this movie brought back his teen crush feelings.

Evan sniffles when Uncle Ben dies, and Tommy cuddles him close. But the rest of the movie makes up for it, particularly when Peter Parker saves Mary Jane in the pouring rain.

"Oh wow, Kirsten Dunst is so hot," Evan muses. They've shifted positions so that Tommy is leaning against the arm of his couch and Evan is lying on him, like a spoiled cat.

Tommy stifles a laugh by kissing the top of his boyfriend's head. "Almost all my friends thought so. Some of them were especially focused on the fact she wasn't wearing a bra in this scene. Then again, we were all horny teenagers, so I guess that's to be expected."

"Yeah, it is hard to miss that," Evan comments. Then he sighs. "It's such a romantic kiss though."

"It's an original idea too, not copied from the comics," Tommy says, because sometimes he knows things. "Got parodied to hell and back after that, but that's how you know it's iconic."

Pausing the movie, Evan shifts and turns around, nearly elbowing Tommy in the ribs. "You know, I wanna try that."

Tommy raises an eyebrow. "An upside-down kiss? You do know neither of us are Spider-Man, right?"

Evan gets to his feet and drags Tommy out of the couch. "I have an idea. Come on come on come on come on, I wanna try something."

Putting up a token display of resistance, Tommy lets Evan lead him into the garage. Evan stares at the pull-up bar, his eyes narrowing, and then he grabs it, swings one long leg up and then the other, and hangs on to it with hands and knees.

Tommy is not amused but worried. "Baby, please get down," he says as he hurries in place to keep his arms under his boyfriend, ready to break his fall.

"Kiss me first," Evan demands. His face is already turning red from being upside down.

Tommy quickly pecks him on the mouth. "There are safer ways to have upside-down kisses, babe. I don't want you breaking your neck.

"That's not how the kiss went."

"Evan Buckley, I'm not playing. Get off the bar carefully." Tommy resorts to using his Serious Tone, which he hates to use on his boyfriend, but sometimes Evan does rush into things a little too impulsively and Tommy has to rein him in.

Pouting, Evan gets off the contraption, and Tommy pulls him into a hug and kisses the pout away. Evan keeps his eyes downcast. "Hey. That was just too unsafe. We can do the kiss lying down, okay?"

Evan peers through his lashes. "I want a proper Spider-Man kiss."

Tommy huffs through his nose and pulls Evan to the Muay Thai mat. They lie down, head to head but their feet angled in opposite directions. Tommy cups Evan's cheek. It's a different feeling, the way his hands are angled, and he leans in to kiss Evan.

It is very different. The top of his tongue slides over the top of Evan's tongue; his nose is bumping against Evan's stubbled chin. He changes the angle of his mouth and tries again.

After a moment, they both pull away. Evan is giggling. "I don't think that was as hot as the movie's version," he admits. Rubbing the tip of his nose, he adds, "I love your cleft, but I think I prefer if my nose isn't rubbed raw on it."

Tommy laughs and gets up, before he reaches for Evan. "Yeah, I think I'll stick to the regular way. Besides, I like seeing your eyes after we kiss."

"Really? Why?"

Tommy shrugs. He's not that good with words. "I just like it, that's all." He kisses his boyfriend again, right way round this time, and when he pulls away, he watches Evan blink, his wide blue eyes a little dazed and his lips curving into a smile. "Yeah, exactly like that. I like seeing that."

Evan tucks an arm around Tommy's waist. "You're so sweet." Biting his lower lip, he asks, "So, shall we finish the movie and make out on the couch like horny teenagers afterwards?"

"Sounds like a plan."

[bonefall]

Windstar's kits in BB are Dust Muzzle and Morning Whisker. With the former being renamed Dustiest Muzzle to fit naming conventions. But whats Morning Whisker's new name? Esp since you said that they will probably be the leader after Windstar passes and theres already Morningstar of ThunderClan (my beloved).

TO RECAP FOR THOSE COMING IN;

There's three groups in BB!DOTC now; Park Cats, Mountain Cats, and Forest Cats. Forest cats are the oldest cultural group and have lived around the White Hart for decades. Park cats arrived a few generations ago following their king away from the destruction of their home down south. Mountain cats recently followed Gray Wing the Wise down from the north at the beck of prophecy.

Forest cats are given a simple, natural name, and then their talent earns them a suffix from a small pool of traditional meanings. Bee, a strong fighter, might earn -sting, -slash, or -stone.

Mountain cats inherit the last names of their parents, and are usually given first names that work with them. Tempest Sky and Quiet Wing's children are Gray Wing and Clear Sky. Quiet Wing then had another litter with Stone Peak, and they were named Fluttering Wing and Jagged Peak.

Park cats are born nameless. They're given simple descriptions about their physical traits, traditionally until they're given a mentor. They spend their adolescence as (Mentor)'s Paw, until they make an achievement that is worthy of their leader giving them a title of three words or less.

Normally the leader is the King, but the Wind Coalition broke off from the River Kingdom many years ago. The Wind Runner sees herself as being much better than a King, HER kingdom is self-made, battle-tested, unprotected by the powerful river or the secretive forest.

Moth Flight isn't her child anymore, but I do know I want The Wind Runner to keep three total. At birth, the kittens were "named" Littlest One, Middle One, and Biggest One.

(It's tradition that the first real name of a Park cat is their apprentice name, but Windy is BURSTING with hubrice and LOVES breaking traditions. So it's possible the three of them did something different.)

SO currently I'm thinking their new names are;

Emberkit: Littlest One -> Embers Under Rain

Morning Whisker: Middle One -> Prayers at Dawn

Dustiest Muzzle: Biggest One -> Dustiest Muzzle

Embers might still die rather young, but at the very least she gets to apprenticeship. I'm not entirely sure on what I'm doing with her yet. If her name is a title, she managed to light a fire during a rainstorm (probably using flint)

Dustiest Muzzle gets his title from being an early tunneler and both bold and curious enough to stick his nose in every burrow. It actually reads as kind of unearned though, you could put it in English as "works harder than everyone else" which he probably just got because he's the son of The Wind Runner.

(Not that he isn't hardworking, just that Windstar doesn't even pretend she isn't biased.)

And Prayers at Dawn is interesting, because praying to future Clan cats looks like tilting your head upwards, and feeling the wind stir your whiskers. In Ancient Parkmew, her name meant something more like "Rousing Whiskers at Sunrise." I like the idea that she's quite religious for some reason, possibly also a friend of Moth Flight when it comes time.

The Parkmew word for "whiskering" eventually becomes the Clanmew word for the physical position of making prayers.

So Prayerstar would be a perfectly good name to avoid the conflict of Morningstar down the line later, BUT I'm also tempted to make the name MOURNINGstar and maybe have her take Mourning Whiskers as a title during her life.

Maybe even as a self-given title of great sorrow. I could have her become very close to Moth Flight and make her heart break when Moth and her children agree to split themselves up across the five Clans in Moth Flight's Vow.

Hmmm... perhaps Windstar's last life withered away pretty slowly, and Mourning Whisker knew she was going to inherit the Wind Coalition on the brink of war with SkyClan already attacking. Moth and her kits knew that WindCo would defend them all with their lives, and that's exactly why they knew they couldn't stay.

[skyeslittlecorner]

Thoughts on Orias' event

I try to pretend that I have already cooled down and stopped howling with delight at the sight of the boys from Hades. Okay, I'm not very good at lying. They. are. gorgeous. So, ekhm. Some loose thoughts about what we know. No serious analysis this time, just my happy rambling.

Spoilers under cut!

Devils can lie

Earlier it was hinted between the lines, now we have official confirmation. Orias and Leviathan sure know how to lie.

Here is a suggestion that Foras can do it too.

On the one hand, my and my biased heart are happy that he is special, on the other hand, I think I would rather not know what he went through to learn how to lie. On an unbiased note, it would be interesting if all the nobles of Hades could lie.

Nobles stick together

It's a little thing I noticed. In Avisos we are often mentioned that seeing more than one noble at a time is an unusual thing. Meanwhile in Hades…

A large part of the event is from Foras' perspective, and how was I supposed to be calm?

We see that the boys often spend time together on patrols. Their relationship is also delightful. Foras doesn't like Glasyalabolas, and it's not mutual. Look.

Glasyal you bully, I love you lmao

Barbatos is gorgeous (even more so without clothes, but please, not on patrol).

Either way, it looks like they spend a lot of time together. They give so much siblings' energy.

AND THIS

I died. I didn't know I needed Barbatos saying fuck, but now I need him for my life. So hot of him.

Orias age

We have information that Orias is older than Leviathan…

…but this is information from biased, unconfirmed sources. Nobles only know rumors. I believe that Lucifer is the oldest. He's an angel, he makes sense. But when it comes to Orias, I would trust Leviathan more here.

I want to draw attention to this one quote in particular:

We know that devils get old. The stronger, the slower. But this suggests that Orias has been artificially aged.

Especially since the angels also refer to him as a kid.

+ it is interesting that they were taken for the same experiment.

Don't know what to call it, just some sexy guys ahead

Enough with serious topics, time to get back to silly things!

We've seen Satan's anger spreads to his subordinates, we've also seen it with Mammon's greed, so it's no wonder Leviathan's jealousy has the same strength. However, Levi's second main thing, his punishment, doesn't seem to be going as well as he dreamed.

They are terrible, I love them. No wonder the cavalry from Tartaros comes for us in Ch5, the guys from Gehenna would still shake hands with Hades. By the way, Hades and Genenna really seem to have the most similarities.

Hot.

Also, their devotion is insanely sweet. Leviathan isn't even truly in danger and they've already summoned their coffins to protect him.

But let's get to the cherry on the cake. You know what else is hot? We are in hell, it should be warm in here, but oh lord- I expected boiling lava, not a walking embodiment of perfection.

I totally agree with Glasyalabolas and his fourth wall breaking. JUST LOOK.

The smirk of this proud asshole. The fact that he is little known in heaven simply because he leaves no survivors to tell about him. And how much he smiles during this event. And how gently he treats Orias.

This event shows his soft heart and that's why I'm here. I'm glad that we don't see this side of him right away, in the chapter, and he only shows true himself with someone he really knows and cares about. Even if he does it his own way. This event, his attacker comic and his selfie comic, how he behaves towards heaven farm survivor and his childhood friends.

Final thoughts

Let's end this here before I start fawning over him even more. Of course, there was much more here. Even out of chronicler's duty, I would like to mention:

While escaping, Leviathan made a pact with his monster

There are beads in the hearts of angels that, when eaten, keep Orias young

Orias himself, if he didn't eat angel hearts, would age into a mummy in a week

Barbatos is secretly Sailor Moon or Winx or other magical girlie

This is how he dressed himself with his vines, prove me wrong.

Leviathan calls Glasyalabolas cute. Agree.

Orias calls Foras a child. It just sounds like a much older person addressing a younger colleague. And you know how much I agree

Astaroth mentioned (another point to the relationship between Hades and Gehenna)

Cherubs with their New Heaven are mentioned

That's all I remember for now. If you're curious about more things, @/thrones-of-buer collected here a lot of points from the event. I agree with a lot of them, and they're definitely interesting to check out. And here a whole report from the event from @/jazeswhbhaven so if you're hungry for more, head over there!

[rabbitprayer]

Do you think God just pretends he can't hear prayers if someone's theology isn't right? If their religion is wrong, even? Maybe I'm biased by the fact that I know I was praying to God even when I was deep in my new age era and didn't even want to admit to myself that I was praying to God. I would go "talk to the moon" because I couldn't bear the thought of God at the time. What I was actually doing is basically the equivalent of a little kid walking into the room where their mom is and telling their troubles to the family dog because they're too scared to tell their mom, but they know deep down that their mom is listening to every word. Anyway! Small-minded haters go pray about it challenge.

[lemon-russ]

Saw an anon send an ask to @moodymisty and I was overcome with a need to make this.

(Part 1 of) Rating how good of a father each primarch would be:

Lion- 6/10

You'd think it'd be lower but like a Lion he's actually good with playing with them even though he feigns disinterest. He's the kind of dad to bring them out in the woods without saying a word, hand them a bolter and point at an animal to teach them to shoot and hunt. He acts like they are annoying him but always has reasons he wants to go teach them something. When they're babies he does the thing where he pretends they've gravely wounded him when they run at him, flopping over on the floor and going "oh ow ouch you got me."

Not emotionally available, though. And very little patience for their bullshit when they are older. But always protective from afar and always will fight anyone who disrespects them. His kids love him but are constantly like "Sorry about my Dad I don't know why he's like this" Kind of embarrassed by him, but they know he loves them in his own way.

Fulgrim- 4/10

They're never going to live up to his expectations. He tries to be supportive and encouraging, but he can't shake the want for them to be better. They are a chronic overachiever, and he tells them yes, that's wonderful, but maybe if you tried just a little harder, you'd have done even better? He isn't trying to be cruel, but he can't help himself. He loves his kid, but they live with the pressure of never being good enough. He tries to help by enrolling them in way too many extracurriculars.

His kids love him but feel like they are failing him and want to be better. They want to make him proud. He never belittles them or says anything against them, but they want him to be really actually proud of them.

Perturabo- 1/10

Have you ever seen how narcissist parents are? His kids aren't good enough. Unlike Fulgrim, he doesn't pretend they are for their sake. He compares them constantly to their cousins, Dorn's kids. Why aren't they better than their cousins? They are, of course, he will tell anyone. Of course, his kids are the best. But in private, he resents them for being another chip against his reputation. They are supposed to be like him, and he is perfect. By being imperfect, they are insulting him. Why is everything he makes imperfect? Also, bad temper, obviously.

His kids hate him or are terrified of him, and constantly under pressure to do better. Excel in everything but never think they are good at anything.

Khan- 2/10

Absentee father of hundreds. Doesn't hate his kids, just prefers his freedom. Occasionally will find one, bring them on bike ride to give them a talk about life, then they don't see him again. Not mean, just not there.

His kids opinion of him ranges from "who?" To "I met him once, he was fine I guess." Their mothers are taken care of at least.

Leman Russ- 8/10 (yes I'm biased idc)

Loves being a Dad, loves his kids, loves his wife. Loves making kids. The whole Legion takes care of the kids and helps raise them. Only things that go wrong is Leman isn't super emotionally sensitive, and can be a little harsh on his kids when they're older. But otherwise loves hanging out with them, often steals them away to bring them with him while he works. Baby strapped to his chest and toddler in his sholders while he's making war plans. Showing his older kids what he's doing while he's planning out attacks. Taking the whole kaboodle out for a day to play in the forests with his fenrisian wolves.

Genuinely believes they are the best and can do no wrong, will fight anyone who suggests they aren't great. Privately will correct them if they really mess up, but has a blind spot for them, so they can be a little spoiled. Plus there's like 12 of them if he has his way so some don't get all the attention they need.

His kids adore him and are happy as clams, if not a little spoiled and have a bit of attitude.

(Will do part 2 later)

[tideswept]

(gently opens your door)

Have you ever written the *gasp* "OH NO THERE'S ONLY ONE BED" trope? Absolutely biased, because this is my favourite trope of all time. 😇

I haven't! And I'd like to hear what makes it your favorite trope! Never been one that caught my eye, honestly, but, HMMMMMM if I were to write it...

ohohoho. I got it.

I'd make Anakin and Obi-Wan ex-lovers. Divorce AU. They have to attend the twin's graduation (the twins live with Padme) and Anakin was already going, of course he was, those are his children, he's so proud of them, but UNBEKNOWNST to him, the twins think the whole situation is sad and plead Obi-Wan to come, too.

Since it's a last minute thing for Obi-Wan, but like hell he's going to miss this, he tries to get a hotel room but ooops! everything is booked SOLID in town.

So the twins appeal to Padme who goes "I gotchu babes" because she ALSO sees that Anakin is just a sadsack pretending to not be a sadsack even three years after the divorce, and puts them in the same room. Where they have to share a bed.

Anakin: What Padme: Well, you always told me it was a civil separation. Can't you be civil and coexist in one room for a couple of days? For your kids? Anakin: I know what you're doing and I'm going to get you back for this. Padme: :) :) :)

So there they are. Probably haven't seen each other in person since the last day in court. Haven't spoken in over a year. (Padme purposefully gives them the SMALLEST room in the house, so one of them sleeping on the floor isn't even really feasible.)

And there's lots of stiff nods and hellos and awkward silences when they're finally alone together, away from the party and shouting and the laughter. Obi-Wan has more gray in his hair, more lines around his mouth; Anakin just got his first gray hair, which he ripped out instantly, but now, looking at this beautiful man that used to be his, he feels foolish about it.

To their credit, they manage to successfully walk on the eggshells long enough to get into bed, both of them starting off at the very edges. It hurts, because it reminds them of how the last few months of their marriage went. The cold wall of silence.

(By morning, they're sleeping so tightly wrapped up in each other that it's hard to tell where one ends and the other begins.)

[jewishvitya]

I just wanted to thank you so much for all of your insight and generosity with your perspective as an anti-zionist israeli, something you absolutely don't owe us but I feel immense amounts of respect and admiration for. from an American jew, it's been so valuable to know there are people like you out there, it's made everything feel much less hopeless despite all the hopelessness. I've felt very alone recently, surrounded by all the Jewish people in my life who are pro-israel and don't seem to grasp the gravity of the situation and my pro-palestine gentile friends, and I've felt very alone in my grief as I've only really started to unpack and dismantle my own biases very recently. reading your posts and your perspective on everything has just made me feel very seen as a jew in this situation, especially as I try to reconcile my feelings about everything going on with my own feelings about my faith and my identity.

you've probably seen that I've gone through a lot of your posts and that I've followed you. i just want you to know that I'm not necessarily following you just for that, I know you're just a fandom blog, it's just that after looking through your posts I feel like you're just a really nice person and seeing yoi on my dash from you would be endearing coming from you even though im not into it myself.

just. thank you again for sharing your story and continuing to share. you have no idea how much it's helped me.

I'm in tears. I've been crying way more than usual over the past couple of months, but it's nice for a change to have those tears to come from being touched instead of grief. I apologize if I'm going to ramble.

You say I didn't owe you all this, but I do feel responsible. I'm watching so much destruction and seeing how comfortable people around me are with the loss of life. This is why I've been talking about what we do and not as much about the impact of October 7 on me or people I know. I did a bit of that in the beginning, but pretending it was the start of everything to keep going back to that one day, after two months of horror, as if I can't count past 7... I didn't choose to be born where I am, I didn't choose to grow up in the most extremist community this place has to offer. But since I'm here, since I'm comfortable at the expense of Palestinians and violence is being done in my name and I have the tools to highlight issues within my society, I think it's a moral obligation.

I know how I talk about things here, and that's genuinely because I don't want to minimize the severity of the racism and the nationalism in Israel. And someone perceived my words as showing hatred for Israelis. But... I love my people. I don't expect those who see or experience our violence to feel the same or even understand me, but I do. It's my neighbors and my childhood friends and my family. It's children I see playing outside and getting excited when they see I have a cat, and the random people who stop me in the street and give me directions if they think I look lost.

Even growing up in the West Bank settlements, the people were very good to me. I needed years to internalize the fact that this kindness doesn't get extended to you if you're not part of the in-group. It broke my heart. It still does. Seeing people who I know are capable of kindness and compassion, hardening themselves against the pain of other human beings. Closing their eyes and telling themselves it isn't real. It's all an act.

I told a friend I feel like I'm betraying my mom, who was deeply bigoted, but also a wonderful mother. She taught me a lot of the principles that are guiding me now - I just took down the walls she put around who deserves to be considered. She'd be horrified with seeing the things I'm saying if she was still alive. But she taught me to care about people, I just decided it means all people.

Everyone should be prioritizing Palestinian liberation, and at the same time, I care about this too. I care about the morality of my people. I need us to be better than this. I want to dismantle the nationalism that teaches us hate and violence so we can start to heal and come to terms with what we did (and still do) here. I want us to fix what we can and hold ourselves accountable. I want us to reimagine safety in a way that doesn't cause harm, and build good relationships with the rest of humanity. Every marginalized community is experiencing bigotry in interactions with every other community, that's just how these things work. But I believe healing the world, and healing my society, is possible.

And it's hard, because so much of what we learn is rooted in truth. Antisemitism is real. Millennia of persecution are real. The trauma we carry is real. If the idea of an ethnostate makes us feel safe, and the idea of losing it makes us scared, how do we differentiate between fear as a natural reaction to antisemitic violence and fear that was taught to us for the sake of nationalism? Especially those of us living in Israel, immersed in the propaganda. It doesn't matter in practice, our feelings of safety or fear don't justify an ethnostate, especially not one built on top of another nation, but it matters for the conversations I have with people.

And I said that the violence I'm seeing feels like an attack on my identity. Seeing a giant hannukiyah in Gaza, when Hannukah tells the story of occupied people fighting off their oppressors. Seeing images that echo so much of the horrors that were done to us. The Magen David being used with hate and spite. It's all so painful. And I love this land, it's the only home I've known, so seeing us destroying nature and soaking it with blood and calling that connection?

Judaism does guide me here. The concept of tikkun olam. The idea of לא עליך המלאכה לגמור ולא אתה בין חורין לבטל ממנה - doing what I can, even if what I'm able to do isn't some decisive blow that entirely turns the tide. The idea that every human being is a whole entire world, to me it means that every single person alive is worth fighting for. So no matter how much death I see, there's still worlds more to save.

And Jewitches had this post that felt just healing to read. Nationalism hijacked our culture, and it will always leave a mark for centuries into the future. But I'm not letting go, and I'm not letting that create a rift between me and thousands of years full of history I can be proud of.

I feel your grief. And I'm grateful for the anti-zionist Jews I met by talking about this, because honestly, I need you people in my life. The pain and the anger are both easier to hold together.

So, thank you for following. I might follow back, just to see you around on my feed. And thank you for sending this. Feel free to message me anytime for any reason (I promise it won't result in a lecture every time).

Also, your url gave me pjo nostalgia

[chaoticdelinqueerwithglitter]

Shinichiro, stay away from the kids!

(with love)

Okay, first of all, this is not a hating Shinichiro post. I swear it. This is just me having brain riot and thinking in how many times Shin was a questionable example for kids and teens around him and how we seem to forget about it but it's kinda hilarious when you put all of them together (except for Sanzu, that is never funny, my poor lil gremlin 😭)

I know most of this things were because he was also too young, oblivious and reckless. I know that, but it's funny to bully him with affection anyway 🙈

(and in the more serious ones, he was too dissociated and too out of everything, I know that too)

So... Here I go, random Shinichiro moments for all of you!

(big manga spoilers because it's Shinichiro)

Leaving Inupi to look out the shop.

Inupi, who looks like a cute potato here and it's deffinetly too young for it. Canon unpayed intern Inupi, yuhuuu! 💜

Him smoking around bikes all the damn time.

In his shop where Inupi was and could blow out the whole block. But also in his garage, where Draken and Mikey used to watch him fix the bikes. Shin, don't, that's dangerous! (I would say "if you wanna kill yourself do it but don't drag others with you", buuuuuut... Yeah, he did it and everyone got drag on that, so why bother to say it? 😑)

Wharever the fuck this was.

Probably just a prank, but.. Really, Shin? You ran away and left Izana there? I know, I know, you're a dumb teen, but c'mon, think for once! The whole interaction makes me laugh and want to smack Shinichiro in general, to be honest.

Oh...I think the not-so-funny ones are about to start. Here we go!

Leaving the Black Dragons to the traumatized orphan that just went out of juvie.

Yeah, that looks like a great idea, I'm sure nothing wrong will come out of this, lalalalalalala! (Shinichiro and his relationship with delinquency and his siblings should be a lot more explored because holy shit)

(Btw, not even pointing the helmets stuff, nops)

Bringing 8 y/o Mikey to gang meetings.

Like... What the fuck? I'm with Takeomi on this one, are you stupid Shinichiro? What are you thinking? Are you thinking? 😒

Love how BenWaka bully him for it too, that's why I left it here, ngl.

Isn't that just how Haruchiyo is, slashing people for Mikey?

Well, yeah, he is, but he wasn't! He shouldn't! Can't you not pretend this is not concerning for a second? Or... Not settle this mindset on Sanzu because it's gonna have big consequences? 🤦🏻

Talking about his inminent suicide with a 13 y/o.

Okay, I thought A LOT about putting this one, because obviously I'm not judging Shin at all, he was in a really dark place and when you're about to kill yourself you can't think clearly. It's just that this exchange... Breaks me. And Haruchiyo is just a kid, this is so not fair for him either 😭

(Sanos, start treating the Akashis like people with feelings that also matter for once, please)

You can still be his friend even if he scarred you for life!

Okay, Shin, I know you're a mix of biased and dissociated but... Really? Please, stop creating Sanzu, stop iiiiit! Let Haruchiyo alone, don't do this! Also... "Right now"? So you're saying he should forgive Mikey but not right now? Is that, Shincihiro? 😒

Trauma dumping to 13 y/o Haruchiyo. Shhh, keep the secret, bye!

Did I say Shinichiro created Sanzu? Yes? I'll say it again, I don't care. Again, I know he was dissociating and all, but, but... It's fine to kill people for Mikey mindset is now installed successfully on Haruchiyo's brain, yuhuuu! 😭

The amount of total disregard for Haruchiyo's mental health here is too much and should be a crime. The "keep the secret" part don't make it better. Specially, specially, when Shinichiro himself is not going to keep it, he's about to say everything to Wakasa. But Haru? Shhh, you should keep the secret, I'm sure this is not a huge burden for a teenager that suddenly have two set of memories!

(Well, not everything, he probably forgot to tell Waka about Haruchiyo remembering it, because in the final battle it didn't look like Sanzu ever talked about it with Wakasa and I wanna think they would if he knew... Look, another Sano forgetting about Sanzu, yuhu! 😑)

(Shin, with all my love, but I hate you for this one even if you gave me the best blorbo to torture on my fics that I ever had)

I'm sure you'll be able to handle it, random kid that I don't even know the name! 👀

YOU HAVE TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THIS ONE SHINICHIRO! I wish you remembered in the final timeline because you own Takemitchy the biggest freaking apology of all your life! What the hell? Go, apologize with Michi now!

Yes, he was able to handle it and to be traumatized infinite times in the way, but that's not the point! Use you brain for once Shin, why are you giving the burden to a kid? Why? What is wrong with you? (so many things actually xD)

But, for real, this sentence is Wakui being hilarious because c'mon, poor Takemichi!

Edit: I didn't put the poorly way Shinichiro handled everything about Izana and Mikey because I consider canon doesn't give us enough info on that. Same with Emma. What happened? Why Izana never met them? I have my hc, of course, but we don't know for sure. So... I can't ramble about how badly he managed that! (Badly, for sure, I just don't know exactly how and how much)

[hollowed-theory-hall]

this is probably stupid to ask, but do you like snape? or the marauders? there's always fanwars happening between marauders stans and snape stans. tbh i'm just curious where you stand (i like both, and prefer their canon selves rather than the fanon which is btw really stupid. they feminized sirius so much its not even sirius anymore.) what made you like snape? if you do, or are you neutral with him? just for a change of question since i always ask about harry.

Thanks for the ask! I don't think it's stupid.

I prefer their canon counterparts as well, the Marauders fanon has so little to do with canon I can hardly call the characters by the same name. They just aren't the same characters. Anyway, I'm gonna try and summarise my highly subjective opinions about them here.

1. Sirius Black

He's my second most favorite character and my favorite among the characters you mentioned. I wrote about him a lot on this blog, so I don't really feel the need to write more.

But, he's smart, resilient, and goofy on occasion. His love for Harry is one of my favorite aspects of his character because he loves Harry so much. And he has his flaws. He can be cruel, cold, and arrogant and I wouldn't like him as much if he wasn't visibly a member of The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black regardless of how much he tried to get away from his legacy. I love how messy his feelings about his family are. He left Regulus' room as it was, even though the rest of the house got cleaned by the Order. He stayed in his mother's bedroom even when all the conversations he had with her portrait were in screams. I love his distrust in Dumbledore after everything he's been through and how he chooses to remain for Harry's sake — he's willing to do anything for Harry's sake.

I just truly love Sirius.

2. Severus Snape

He's the next on this list because I do like Snape, he's not a character I'm passionate about, but I like him. I think he shouldn't be a teacher (I think he hates being a teacher more than his students hate him teaching them) but he's a talented potion maker and wizard. And he is a very entertaining character, even without knowing everything about him.

But what really makes me like Snape is that I find him interesting. I think his psychology is interesting, as is his dynamic with Lily, Dumbledore, and Voldemort. Snape is a fascinating character to study from a lot of angles, and even as a reader, there is quite a bit that's up in the air about him because he's that good at being a spy and not giving us anything.

The other major thing I like about him is his competence as a spy and wizard. If there's one thing I love in my fictional characters — it's competence (and intelligence). I often joke with my irl friends that Snape is the only competent Death Eater and the only competent member of the Order of the Phoenix. We then joke that if we were in his shoes, surrounded by a lot of people who don't actually do anything and we're the only ones affecting this war from both sides, we'd probably be bitter too.

A little note that seems overlooked about Snape often in the fandom, in general, is how we think, "Oh, he's so great at Occlumancy and not being emotional" — that's not strictly true. When it comes to Lily or the Marauders all his well-crafted Occlumancy kinda goes out the window. In books 3 and 5 he throws actual temper tantrums about Sirius Black. Like, I feel Snape, deep down is actually super not well adjusted and is an emotionally unstable mess, but he learned to pretend otherwise. Basically, all the cold facade is just that — a facade. He isn't really that stoic.

3. James Potter

I'm weird about James. Like, he's almost a nonentity and what we do hear about him is either negative or comes from biased sources.

I do tend to give him more of the benefit of the doubt than a lot of other fans who prefer canon James do. He was awful when he was younger, he was a bully and he assaulted Snape and there is no excuse for his actions. That being said, I can believe he changed. War changes you and you'd be hard-pressed to find a 21-year-old who isn't ashamed of a lot of what they did or said when they were 15. And yes, some of what James did is definitely more extreme than that of the average person, but it isn't that extreme compared to the environment he grew up in. Remus tells Harry everyone was casting Levicorpous on each other in the halls. I'm not saying any of the bullying is okay, I'm just saying it probably seemed normal to him and this is important context. Same as I don't think Snape is abusive towards students when put in the context of their culture and environment where, until recently, they caned students (Snape actually seems very averse to corporeal punishment. He also likely treats Harry very different than he does literally any other student, but this is the James section).

I just, like the idea of James changing for the better. I'd like to think he did. That life and war and loss taught him something.

4. Peter Pettigrew

Probably an unpopular opinion, but I like Pettigrew more than Lupin. He's awful, he's pathetic, he's a cowardly rat man and I find his sniveling funny. Whenever I try to think of a what-if scenario in my head, Pettigrew is somehow the key to it. Because he's a character that affects so much of the plot in some incredibly crucial moments — he betrayed James and Lily, he resurrected the Dark Lord, and later, he allows Harry's survival. Idk, I just find his situation and just how pathetic he could get fascinating. It's, like, there is no rock bottom for this guy, he keeps digging. Like, you can't get more pathetic than living as a rat for 12 years when you could've moved to Argentina or something.

And at the same time, he clearly has some residual care for Harry for his father's friendship. He has so many opportunities to kill Harry or kidnap him when he runs away to join Voldemort — but he doesn't. Even after Sirius escapes and he knows his time is up, he still leaves Harry alive. When he is supposed to kill him in book 7, he doesn't, he again lets him go and pays with his own life for it. Like, again, idk, it's just how I feel.

5. Remus Lupin

I know I placed Lupin last, and it's because I don't personally like him that much. Pretty sure this is a little controversial, but I don't really like book Lupin, he does not vibe with me, at all. (Though I'd choose book Lupin over Marauders fandom Lupin every time)

Like, it bothers me that he doesn't actually care about Harry (the only one on the list who willingly physically harmed Harry, in a moment of anger, but still). It was Harry who asked to be taught the Patronus, if it was up to Remus, he wouldn't be involved in Harry's life at all. He tried to run on his wife when she got pregnant because he was scared. Like, Petttigrew is given shit for being a cowardly Gryffindor, but, look, you need some guts to betray your friends, so I'd argue Remus is the most cowardly Marauder (it's easy to be brave when you don't care for your own life).

But, all of this is part of his character and the story wouldn't be what it is if Remus bothered to get his head out of his own ass and check up on Harry. How he behaves makes him my personal least favorite Marauder, but I want Lupin to be a cowardly guy who runs away from attachment and responsibility because he doesn't trust himself with anything (especially not anything good). He's not cool, or suave, and he's desperate for people to like him but without actually knowing him because he thinks that if they do they'd run away screaming like he wants to run from himself. Honestly, I don't get why the Mauraders fandom made James the people-pleaser when Remus Lupin is right there always telling people what they want to hear so they'd like him.

Again, these are all my own personal subjective opinions, but yeah.

[sadceline]

THE ENHYPEN HOST || 7

|| Reverse harem || ft. TXT, Mingyu (Seventeen) & BTS

WARNINGS: foul language, explicit content, group sex, humiliation, sex in public, threesome, foursoome, rough sex, red flags, immoral acts, unprotected sex, morbid jealousy, comedy, parody, possessiveness, violent quarrels, arguments, betrayals, lies, femdom sometimes.

GENRE: +18, reverse harem, comedy, enemy to lovers, friends to lovers

SUMMARY: You moved to Seoul to start over after a bad experience, and everything seems to be going well, you even manage to work for HYBE. You discover, however, that you owe them almost a billion won, money you don't have and don't know how to recover: but don't worry because Hybe itself offers you a solution.

Your body in exchange for paying off your debt.

Do you accept?

PREVIOUS CHAPTER:

FIRST CHAPTER:

Jake and I spent long, long time together last night. I'm not sure how many times we did it, because sometimes, he didn't always come out of me before he started again, it became extremely natural after we showered together.

I can't deny that we had some pleasant moments, clearly, but I find it deeply wrong how keep thinking about it.

The way he sleeps is just perfect, to say more would be superfluous.

Jaeyun has gone out early, perhaps to meet up with that Kibum Jay mentioned last night, but once out of the room, I just look around. It is early, only eight, so I guess it might be nice of me to prepare breakfast.

Today I'll take care of cleaning the bathroom, but from what I witnessed yesterday with Jake, there's not much to do. These guys manage to get neat without too much mess, and it actually surprises me, I get the impression that they're not really like this normally.

I can't imagine an environment where more than three men live that isn't a mess, but these are gender biases, my bad.

When I reach the kitchen, still wearing the Jake's t-shirt, I find only two people in the kitchen, and honestly they are just the ones I would rather not have met alone. I could hear them giggling together from earlier.

They notice me right away, I see their eyes move quickly to my low-cut legs, then Sunghoon looks away as Heeseung looks at me surprised and amused.

"Did you sleep well?" The band ace asks.

"Where are the others?" I ask, nonchalantly.

Heeseung snorts pretending to be offended. "Everyone's gone out, even the owner of your t-shirt."

"Isn't it early?"

"Would 8 am be early?" Sunghoon asks incredulously.

I ignore him, will do so for the time being. "Did everyone have breakfast?"

"How nice - comments the other - she worries about us. Anyway Jay takes care of breakfast, however, I didn't get up in time."

That Heeseung was someone who likes to sleep a lot seemed clear to me, but who knows why Sunghoon is here? Surely he doesn't have something to do? That way I could try to get to know the third shift owner, maybe he's not so bad.

I thought that more before I saw him sneering at Sunghoon, who knows what for then.

"All right, then, I'll go." I reply, not knowing what to say during this long, awkward silence between us.

"Aren't you having breakfast?"

You make me laugh, Heeseung.

I definitely don't want to eat in the same place as Sunghoon, I'm not going to answer, that's why I have to avoid him -- I know very well that if he provoked me, I would give in right away.

"Not now." I smile forcibly, before turning away.

"Are you doing this because of me?" Sunghoon asks, in that deep, warm, sensual, silly voice of his.

I sneer, incredulous, glaring at him evilly. "No, I told you. My stomach clenches seeing such things."

"Says the half-naked girl in a house with seven men."

"Oh yeah? - I laugh, theatrically, but then I don't know what to say next, and I stand there several seconds staring with narrowed eyes at this idiot. - I didn't think you were so demure." I had to repeat the word several times, because I couldn't remember it in korean.

"Demure? Nah, I just like looking at beautiful things. You just take up space."

Heeseung surprised turns to his friend, then bursts out laughing. "But she's pretty, why do you say that?"

"You're a dumb too." Sighs Sunghoon.

Ah, so Heeseung really thinks I'm pretty? No, no, Amanda, don't trust that bewitching, glittering, blinding smirk, inside his eyes actually burning evil.

"You demanded your turn, though." I remind him, crossing my arms over my chest.

Heeseung covers his mouth as his eyes manifest his amusement. "How tense."

Sunghoon thins his beautiful big eyes, I left him dumbfounded for at least five seconds, plus Heeseung's joke. "It's dumb not to receive something he's entitled to. Besides, it seems fun to annoy you, doesn't it?" He asks.

"Ah, but then don't come out saying you're in love with me." I snort, confidently approaching the refrigerator to get a small bottle of water.

"The scenario you've been dreaming about every night since you arrived, right?"

"I guess fucking would serve you."

"Yah!" We shout in chorus, toward Heeseung, who dares to say such nonsense.

"You sound like a couple, how disgusting. No seriously, that's enough now."

A couple, me and Sunghoon? Ridiculous. Heeseung, this that you see between us is not sexual tension at all, its more a deep and sincere disdain for each other. I am absolutely convinced of that.

"I have to clear bath, use the others for now." I announce, starting toward the hallway again.

"Seriously, you should eat breakfast first." Reminds me Heeseung.

Spontaneously I turn away, but realizing I did it so quickly, I feel ashamed and turn around again. "No, it's okay, I never eat in the morning."

"Aish, it hurts you!" He says, like a concerned friend.

I smile amusedly, I don't know why but every second I spend in Heeseung's company increases my suspicion of him. He gives me the idea that he's a rather fake person, perhaps because our interactions have not been the happiest.

When I was just a fan, I had a completely different idea of him. In contrast, what I thought of Jay and Jake, we can consider sufficiently truthful. Of course, I did not imagine such a terrible personality of Sunghoon either, but that is another matter.

"What do you want to do today?" He asks me again, as if we had some kind of date.

I pretend to think about it for a few seconds. "Will you help me with the bathroom?"

"No way!" He mumbles.

Sunghoon smiles, making me a little strange.

"What would like to do? Don't you have appointments or..."

"Not today." He nods proudly, like a child.

"Dubt." Sunghoon says, in terrible english.

"I have a lot of games for the Play, do you want to see them?" He offers me all excitedly.

I am stunned at such a request, Sunghoon bursts out laughing, even.

"Did you think of anything else?" Heeseung asks, observing my all too clear expression.

"W-What? No, I mean, yes I want to see them. But then can I play? If not, I don't care."

This is the right way to go about things, Amanda, smile at life and it will smile back at you. I don't understand why it didn't work for the past 23 years, and I have no certainty that it will work in the future, but let's think positive - after all, this, a field trip kind of is.

"Do you like video games?" He asks me, with a genuinely interested look on his face.

I guess it's unfair to play like this when your interlocutor has no idea who you are, while you know much of his interests. However, your honor, I really like games.

After I moved to Bologna, kids my age continued to isolate me because of my south origins, it lasted for several years, not having an idyllic family situation I hid in the ludic competition. I had discovered some online games, such as League of Legends, and spent most of my money to buy whatever game piqued my curiosity, without considering those spent on skins... I don't regret anything.

My parents were well-off, and in that respect I can't complain, plus it was better for them that I just stayed in my room and played rather than bother them.

"Quite." I nod.

Sunghoon snorts wryly. "What, did you search on Internet to prepare for this question?"

"What games do you like?" Asks Heeseung, ignoring him.

"I'm master."

Heeseung's eyes literally sparkle as I say this, and it's adorable. "Really! And how do you play now?"

"I don't play." I reply with some obviousness.

"What?"

"I didn't bring my laptop, I didn't think I'd have time to use it - I explain, although in fact I was simply so flustered that I didn't think about it on the moment - do you want to see how a pro plays?"

"He met Faker." Sunghoon reminds me, getting up from the table.

"But Faker is a god, she is a normal person obviously disturbed to have made it to that level."

I feel like laughing, but I do it by covering my mouth: he's right, the guy is a god. "Actually LoL is disturbed."

"I am emerald! I can't get by cause I'm always busy!" He whines, please, you just stop being so cute.

"Maybe you're just noob."

"How can I be noob? I'm so strong, but you know, I'm a full-time idol..."

"Still noob." I confirm.

He opens his lips in surprise. "Yah! How dare you!"

"I'm off, see you later." I sigh, before drinking from my water bottle.

Heeseung calls me again before I can leave. "Do you want to go back to the apartment? Let's get your things."

I choke. The water goes down my throat and I cough so hard that some drops splash toward Sunghoon, why is he always in the way? He glares at me, moving away to avoid being hit by my saliva again.

"You idiots will get along - he says irritably, before approaching the hallway - you're alike."

"He's just saying that because you're pisses he off, sometimes he plays too." Heeseung explains.

I smile wearily. "I get it, I'll go clean up."

"You didn't answer." Reminds me the oldest of the boys.

I glance sidelong at Sunghoon, he's charging his cell phone on the kitchen counter from the outlet where the coffee machine is plugged, he hasn't left yet and I feel uncomfortable talking in front of him.

"Let's take the computer so we can play sometimes! - He means it, this guy who at first glance would really just look like a fool. - In the meantime, let's do shopping."

I'm surprised to hear him say that, judging by the way Sunghoon turns to Heeseung, he must be too. "You can't go to the supermarket."

"Yes, I can!" He whines whimsically.

"Are you stupid?"

"You went there too! I want to go!"

"Then go yourself!" He immediately replies.

I naturally break their lively exchange with a long sigh.

"The ramyeon can buy it by herself."

"But I want to choose the tastes!"

"Why are you justifying yourself to someone younger than you?" I ask, curious, turning to Heeseung.

He seems stricken in pride, but he does not give me the pleasure of confirmation because he smiles confidently shortly after. I cannot look directly at him when he does, so I am forced to lower my eyes.

"I'm not justifying myself, we're talking."

"Right, right." I nod, starting down the hallway again.

Sunghoon stands in front of me, preventing me from proceeding. "If you faint you'll say it's my fault, so eat."

On the contrary, I just can't avoid looking at him, even though there is perhaps more than six inches of difference between us. I feel tiny in front of him, I don't understand, it's like my head is spinning. I can smell him, I can smell that he has been wearing perfume since the morning, and this seems to completely intoxicate me, but positively.

I back away clutching my shoulders.

"I'm fine."

He doesn't answer right away, but then he sighs. "I'm serious."

I mumble incredulously, then quickly circumnavigate him. "Thanks, I'll go."

I rush into Jay's empty room and sigh worriedly. I said I hated him, and I was convinced I did, but I'm still not completely immune to his charms, I need to catch my breath.

I look around, everything is left as it was, I go to take off my shirt and change, I'm wearing plain stuff, but I like to be with my legs exposed and a loose shirt, so after carefully folding Jake's, clearly more emotionally valuable but also monetary, I go outside.

I plan to make it quick, but for good. Hygiene is important, given how many times I have used this bathroom before.

I wipe away every trace, I disinfect any surface we have come in contact with, I feel like a criminal but only because I am blaming myself.

Not because I have indulged myself so much as because I cannot erase from my mind the expression of pure pleasure from Jake's face. It seems to me something so precious that it's impossible for me not to want to appropriate it.

Clearly, these are just fantasies, I know, but it is hard not to be drawn into such a situation.

The house has all kinds of appliances, so after maniacally using the Dyson on the floor, I use the microfiber cloth to wash it. Eventually I am left with only the already clean towels to place under the sink, so I sit on the floor.

Who knows how long it took me, I don't think more than 30 minutes but I could be wrong.

I hear some footsteps coming from the hallway, they are slippers being dragged almost boredly, I don't recognize the walk but I'm pretty sure it's not Sunghoon's.

"Finished?" He asks, watching me from above, a Heeseung who can only be simply watched, silently even.

Amazed at such a vision about him, with his pink hair, wearing an oversized black t-shirt with white lettering, and black jeans that bandage his long, strangely full thighs, I can't help but stare at him. He's even wearing glasses, but how dare he?

After several seconds, realizing I cannot stay and stare at him, I cough clearing my throat. "Do you really want to go to the supermarket with me? But why?"

"Jay said you don't have a car and the credit card is not ready yet, so I should call a driver. Since this is my shift, and I don't have anything interesting to do, let's go together."

I don't know, I don't even smile, I simply nod but don't understand my own reaction. I'm sad about what, exactly?

"Then, I'll change." I say, closing the doors and taking one last quick look around, everything seems fine.

"In Jay's room?"

"You ask because you don't know?"

He doesn't answer right away, smiling goofily as usual. "Then, I'll wait for you."

I change quickly, lucky I took two showers last night, so no need to wash. I put on a red pleated skirt and a short, low-cut top, I'm really hot, wear a chocker to look a little alternative, and then partially tie up my hair, uncovering my face better. When I come out, Heeseung is standing in front of the entrance with his cell phone.

He lets me be the first one to pass and I find it gallant, although come to think of it Sunghoon did too and I found it rude.

"You really don't have anything to do?"

"Nothing interesting." He replies, waiting for the elevator to arrive.

"And I'm interesting?"

"Definitely singular. - He says it quickly, smiling amusedly and serenely. - I didn't think there was such a thing."

"I guess it's because Niki is now of age." It comes out spontaneously, but then I turn in surprise to him, who strangely has no reaction.

He lets me go in first, again, I can't help but stare at him the whole time, so much, he doesn't give me a glance and I feel safe, in his shadow.

We get to the parking lot, surprise, he even opens the door for me and I find myself catapulted into another dimension, please stop, Heeseung.

This must be his "rizz."

"What music do you like?" He asks me, after he starts the engine.

"Not the one you like." I answer again too spontaneously.

He turns to me for a few seconds, completely offended. "Excuse me?"

"I read that you like The Weeknd, I can't stand it. It's a drag."

"Excuse me?!" He asks, even more upset.

At this point I can't help bursting out laughing, it's exactly how I expected he would react. My stomach hurts, I can't take it.

You obviously have fucking taste." He replies after not taking it at all personally, no…

"That's why I like you so much." I nod, wiping away my tears.

I don't know why, but I see him look at me and then turn away again, without saying a word, then sigh. "How many songs do you know of him?"

"A few, enough to let me know I don't like his genre."

Flabbergasted, Heeseung reaches for his cell phone and I become alarmed. "I'll let you hear now, talk later."

"Watch the road!"

"You put it on, then." He sighs, throwing his cell phone between my legs, since I can't catch it on the fly, I pick it up later, there is the Youtube Music page, despite having an Iphone.

I find it quite strange to hold Heeseung's phone in my hands, yet this is certainly not the most absurd thing, as I find myself looking at his perfect profile, he's facing the street. As I said, he's wearing eyeglasses, it is a light, thin frame that moves perfectly with his face, and they enrich it.

"Do you understand?" He calls me, after saying the name of the song.

I was so focused on him that I didn't even hear him. "E-Eh? I didn't understand the pronunciation." I make it up on the spot, going back to look at the phone screen, which, however, went off!

Heeseung repeats the title but also notices that I panicked, so I softly hand him the phone. "Sorry, I made him turn it off. Just put the code."

He grins smugly. "Ten zero four."

Wait? Did he just give me the code for his phone? Since he's going to change it right after that, why not just enter it himself? He didn't bother with the road before I said it.

Even stranger that the code is the date of my birthday. What an amazing coincidence.

"Why did you tell me that?" I ask, genuinely surprised.

"Because it's more convenient, no? And on the way back you can put it in the music."

All right, I think I understand Heeseung a little better. While he can't avoid hiding what he is in heart, he persists in treating me like a fan, he is attentive and thoughtful, he does trivial things that would nevertheless make any girl fall in love, it's his way of posing, but I have my doubts that he's really like that, inside.

The song starts and I turn out the window, I can see Seoul flowing before my eyes, yet my mind keeps looking for Heeseung's profile. Honestly, I am too tense to focus on the song, plus I think my senses, my tastes, are momentarily altered by his presence. I do not feel the usual revulsion for the xanadian artist.

Aware that I'm not at all clear-headed, I defer my considerations.

"Where are we going? And why are you dressed so well? Have you a mask?"

"In what order do you want me to answer?" He asks me.

I smile, hiding on the other side. "At your leisure."

"First let's go to the best ramen store in Seoul, then we might have lunch somewhere, then we'll go to your place and get the laptop."

"You have a pretty clear idea."

"The perfect date, right?"

I laugh, how could I not, "Maybe next life, Heeseung."

I hear him chuckle too, and I smile again, as if my heart has suddenly warmed up. "I am dressed so well because I always dress well."

"You'll attract attention."

"I would do it regardless because I'm tall."

"Why are you so sure you won't get paparazzi?"

"Because I know where I'm going, certainly not to an ordinary supermarket like Sunghoon. Besides, I'm wearing a mask, you worry too much."

"You literally have pink hair."

A moment of awkward silence intersperses our lively exchange of banter, then I hear him sigh.

"I hide them under my hat."

"And how do you hide your ears? They're pretty iconic."

He looks at me shocked again. "Would you stop?"

"What did I say? I think they're pretty. - I admit, without thinking much about what I'm saying. - If it were me seeing them, though, I would recognize you right away."

We enter a private parking lot before he answers me, after several seconds I realize that maybe he is ignoring me and maybe he has changed his mind about today's program. It's okay after all, even if he gets upset, I care about the band - being a fan. Seeing Heeseung with a girl around Seoul could be a blow to the fanbase.

"Do you find them pretty?" He asks me when is finished parking, unbuckling his seat belt.

I, confused, do the same. "Yeah, sure."

"Do you want to touch them?"

Gasp, jerking back on myself and backing toward the door with my shoulders, not sure why I reacted so animatedly. "W-What?"

He lowers his head in my direction, closing eyes. "If they're cute, touch them."

I admit it's a bit very awkward this situation, however, my hands reach toward him anyway. I can feel the cartilage between my fingertips as my fingers tremble like after thirty coffees, I like this feeling so I don't realize I'm continuing to do this, it's like petting a puppy.

When I next realize he's about to start laughing, I pull away abruptly, upset.

"Do you have heartbeat?"

Clearly.

"N-No."

"You do." He gets back up, quickly adjusting his hair.

I can't retort, I don't have the guts, so I go to open the door but see him grab my wrist, I paralyze. "W-What?"

"Can't you see?" He points with his gaze at some ladies who are passing by the car. I meanwhile have lost about ten years of life.

I know, I know, it's strange for me to be surprised after all that's happened, but still it's another person, a person who makes me feel particularly nervous, plus he's not even as nice as the others, so I'm in a strange and precarious situation.

"I told you didn't have to come."

"Jay's list is long. Could you have brought everything without a car?"

"You could have called a driver."

"What about the credit card?"

"You could have made a wire transfer."

"I don't trust you with my credentials, what if you're a hacker?"

Through it all, he still hasn't moved his hand, and I so motionless that I can't even turn to face him, I simply look out of the car, where the two well-dressed and groomed middle-aged ladies linger looking at the car through the tinted windows. They are evidently commenting on it because it's expensive - sometimes koreans really can be like those in dramas.

I move my arm, he looks surprised.

I really feel like I should stay as far away from him as possible. The way he acts scares me, in a way, he seems completely fake.

"I told you I had nothing better to do."

"You could have stayed with Sunghoon, honestly you could have done ten other things."

"Aren't you glad I came for you?"

Again, the words hang in the air, though they seem to weigh quintals. I don't know what to say, I don't want to show too much vulnerability, but the vibration of his voice, his touch, his mere presence completely alert me. I am also full pervaded by his scent that has completely filled the car.

"I didn't say that, it's just that.. I don't see a single reason why you would make such a choice." I try to explain calmly.

He turns his strangely thoughtful gaze toward the ladies in front of the car, then sighs. "I have half idea, but it's just curiosity."

But what does that mean? What is he saying? Am I misunderstanding myself? Do you want to see that my korean is not so good, after all?

"Curious about what?"

"Never mind. - Sigh, looking at them impatiently, the ladies, who have decided to start converse right in front of the car. - Think of it as a gift from me."

"Would the gift be your company? - I ask wryly, using this time to observe his magnificent profile again. - I don't think they would recognize you anyway."

"I'm famous among milf, too." He nods with conviction.

I look up annoyed, I guess that's his real personality. Unlike Jake though, I don't find him cute at all, he creeps me out. In Jaeyun's eyes I saw insecurity, shyness, a certain need for approval, but if I look at Heeseung I see only a disproportionate ego and a lot of desire to slap him (in every sense you want to imagine it).

"So what do we do in the meantime?"

"We could kiss."

"What?!" I feel like screaming, to the point where maybe even the ladies can hear me since they look around surprised.

Heeseung curls the corners of his mouth before bursting into an irresistibly sensual laugh. "How can you react so timidly after what you did with the others?"

The saliva I was swallowing, perhaps desperately trying to lower my body temperature, goes down my throat and I start coughing on his dashboard, quite close to death. My vision is blurred and my throat has closed up, I want to strangle him right now, but I have to try to survive.

"Are you okay?" He asks, but he doesn't really seem to care.

I wipe away the tears as the coughing slowly subsides. "What did you expect me to answer?"

"Like. 'okay, let's start'."

He must be such an asshole after all.

"Okay, let's start." I say, laughing nervously as I look out the window at the car parked next to it.

Heeseung grabs my face with both hands forcing me to turn around. "Okay, let's do it."

What? My face goes up in flames, I feel like I'm not thinking straight anymore. He is staring at my lips with his beautiful bambi eyes, there is nothing innocent about it, it almost looks like a demon is holding me in hell to keep me from moving. The truth is that my body is not moving, but he is not applying any pressure. He has only brought our faces closer so that they are separated by very few inches.

When he bursts out laughing, I realize that he has been making fun of me, and I, like a fool, really believed it. When he pulls away, unable to hold back the laughter, I am paralyzed, unable to control my reactions at all. I am disappointed but also embarrassed.

I look away, putting myself back in my seat, stiffer. "You must be having a lot of fun."

"Indeed I am. By the way - he resumes speaking normally, as if he hadn't just broken my heart - did you like the song?"

"No." I say it without even thinking about it.

"I wonder if you would have responded like that if I had kissed you."

Should I get out of the car and chase these women away? I can't breathe, this car seems to get smaller and claustrophobic every second, Heeseung's constant giggling is getting on my nerves.

"I guessed you weren't a good person." I say, still tense.

"From what?"

"From the way you were snickering with Sunghoon."

Heeseung crosses his arms inside the back of his head, really relaxing. "We've been close from a while."

"He were close to Jake before, no?" I ask, reverting back to my old fan self for a moment.

He glances at me out of the corner of his eye, then back to the ladies in front of him. "How do you know?"

"During an interview - I remember that moment perfectly and it seems so strange to me now that I know Sunghoon's real personality, or what he shows anyway. - He said Jake was the member he was closest to."

"Amazing how things change, isn't it?"

"And why did they change? You seemed close, even though…"

"Even though?"

I let out a long sigh. "No, nothing."

"You grow, you change. Although have my doubts that those two will stay apart forever." He admits, surprisingly in confidence.

"Jake is too good to be with someone like him." I say instead, as if I've known them all my life.

"As a matter of fact… it's true. Do you have a soft spot for Jake?"

"A big soft spot." I answer, satisfied.

I have the impression that openly declaring my preference might annoy him, that's why I do it.

It's not even that far from reality.

"Change of plans - he announces, putting the belt back on and starting the car - let's go to your place for now."

"To get the pc?"

"Maybe get something else to wear too, I get the impression you only brought sloppy stuff."

What insight this guy has. I brought almost only clothes to stay at home or run errands, assuming I wouldn't need to take fancy or sexy stuff, in fact, the opposite. I didn't really think about it while it was the first thing to do!

"I don't have any japanese maid dress." I joked, nervous, putting the belt back on.

"Do you have any purple underwear?"

"What?"

"If you don't have a maid outfit, purple underwear is fine too."

Is he serious? The confidence with which he pronounces his nonsense really makes me want to throw him off some bridge.

"I'll wear Jake's t-shirt,woolen socks, and my ex's boxers that I use to sleep." I reply.

"Yah, you don't sleep in my bed in Jake's shirt."

"It's definitely cleaner than your whole room."

He seems annoyed by my saccharine tone; I couldn't be more pleased. I cross my arms over my chest, smiling smugly.

"Where is your apartment?"

Actually, being us now in Hongdae, a much more affordable neighborhood of Seoul frequented mainly by students, being there a major korean university, full of cultural centers, bars, clubs, we are quite close. It is precisely in this area that Ester and I have taken up residence.

I explain it to him, he understands absolutely nothing about it, so he orders me, literally, to put the street on Mappe. I don't have the strength to fight this war as well, so I simply do it.

"You can stop here." I say, when it is still a couple of meters to the entrance of the building.

Heeseung slows down and looks upward, then looks around. "There's no park here."

"Pull over somewhere, I won't be long."

"I'll go up with you."

"No."

My response is really quick, so quick as to be blatantly alarming. He turns toward me curiously, I desperately avoid his gaze for fear of betraying myself.

"Why not?"

"No need, I'll make it quick, really." My tone of voice is more docile, almost submissive, it's as if I'm trying to convince him.

He smiles. "No, I'm coming too. I want to see your room."

Absolutely not. He can't.

Searching for a park, I think well it's time to unbuckle my belt and search in a desperate attempt to get out and run in, before he can reach me, so as to erase any trace he doesn't have to end up before his eyes.

In my room there is too much information about my tastes, there are too many things an idol should not see from a fan. Therefore, the absolute mission is to escape.

It's not so easy, however, because Heeseung stops me from my arm, his long, strong fingers gripping it almost completely, preventing me from going outside. Then he presses the safety catch so that I cannot open the door again.

"What are you hiding?" He asks me, now obviously more curious than before.

Not only have I failed in my plan, but I've made the situation worse.

"There are girl things you shouldn't see."

"Why do I get the impression you are lying?"

"I'm not lying."

"Then I promise I won't be shocked."

"I don't trust your promises."

"It should surprise you just to hear them."

Seriously, I never assumed that he might want to come up to my house, that's why I was so calm with the idea of coming back for things, moreover accompanied by Heeseung who has the car. Seen from the outside, it looks like a win-win situation.

He puts on his mask, puts on his hat, after parking. We enter the building, immediately take the elevator, and all I do is think.

Thinking of a way: a way to solve.

I could hit him on the head and hope he loses consciousness, or accidentally lock him in the bathroom, but how do I convince him not to go into my room right away? Effectively, he doesn't know which is mine and which is Ester's.

By the way, Ester! I don't even know if she's at home, if she's with company, I'm literally bringing a guy, a famous one, into the house, without warning her.

I pick up my cell phone, call her, she answers quickly.

"Amanda! Did something happen?" She asks me, in Italian.

"Listen…are you home?"

"Huh? Yes, why?"

"I'm on my way up now…I have company…"

Ester says nothing for several seconds, as if she were organizing the little information I gave her.

"WITH WHO?!" She suddenly shouts, I am forced to pull the phone away.

"Your friend is a quiet one, isn't she?" Heeseung asks me, hearing her scream.

You wouldn't know it but…. "Yes, she is."

Surely she's not the type to go around saying she's met Enhypen or going to rat me out about my situation, however, I can't be completely sure, given how many times I've trusted the wrong people.

"He's actually at home - I suddenly say to the singer - just can't let you in."

"So what? She's not happy to see me?"

He's right, she would be very happy. "Amandaaa? - She calls me, from the phone, in a sweet, fake little voice. - Who is heee?"

"Listen, I need your help - I say, turning to her and away from Heeseung, who can't understand anyway since we are speaking in italian - I have to go to the room, alone, you must absolutely neutralize…. Heeseung."

Still silence, still long seconds of total absence of noise, then she bursts into a thunderous scream that can be heard even outside the apartment door, since we have reached the fourth floor by now.

"Are you kidding? I'm getting naked!"

I look annoyed at Heeseung, who understood perfectly that my friend was screaming for him, seeing how he snickers, then snort. "Do whatever you want while I go to the room. Anyway open up, I'm here."

Ester opens immediately, standing still in front of both of us for at least twenty seconds. She continues to stare open-mouthed at Heeseung, even though he is completely covered.

"Let us in…" I whisper, embarrassed.

Ester shifts like a robot, her soul has left her body. "P…P…Please…."

After entering, and looking around a bit, Heeseung removes the mask and I see Ester's eyes light up as if with divine light. I think she's about to cry and I can't blame her, after all she has no idea what it's actually like, but that wouldn't be like her, she's probably holding back her worst scream.

"P-Please I am E-Ester!" She says, taking a long bow as her voice escapes robotic.

Heeseung arranges his hair behind her forehead and then leans toward her, helping her up by holding her from the shoulders. "It's okay, there's no need to be so formal."

"Oh, my, god." My roommate tries to breathe.

I smile nervously, commenting in italian. "Did you see how bello (handsome) he's up close? Sickening."

"Bello?" Heeseung asks, catching this word, from the speech.

Ester looks at me, I look at her, let the plan begin. "Oh god! I'm such a big fan of yours, I never thought I could…. - she doesn't even make an effort to cry, but I know very well she's faking it, she's too adrenaline to start crying in such a situation, it's more natural for her to scream. - Oh my god, I can't believe it."

Heeseung smiles at her. "It's okay, it's okay. - He says, stroking her hair. - Do you want to take a picture?"

His voice is different he is kind, appearing dispassionate and sincere. It really gives me goosebumps, however, there is no better time than now to peel away, and so I do. I back away slowly, wait several seconds, until I reach the door to my room, enter in a millisecond ready to close the door behind me.

Oh no, again, again Heeseung's stupid shoe blocking the door.

"Do I look stupid to you?" He asks me, trying to peek inside.

I move frantically to prevent him from seeing even a glimmer of my room. "Go to your fan!"

"But you're my fan, aren't you?"

Oh no, Ester, what have you…done?

I see her peeking out behind Heeseung's back as he makes the gesture of prayer and forgiveness, what could she possibly have said to him in the half minute I used to reach my room?

I stare at him for long time, silent, not knowing what to say and so dazed that I no longer concentrate on forcing in the door, in fact he takes advantage of my stun to open it.

Oh no, oh no… OH NO.

He walks in like he's in some fantastic place, looks at the posters I've stuck all over the walls, and can't help smiling with great confidence.

"That's why you didn't want to…"

"It…was before I met you."

Basically, I have posters of all the members, it is true, however I have a few more of someone in particular, and they tend to be almost all on the headboard of the bed.

In the center of the composition is a giant Heeseung, surrounded largely by Jay and Jake, in contrast the other members are on all the other walls.

"Do all these posters of Jay really exist? Are they original?" He asks me, curious.

I face down. It was my fault, I know, I should have calculated it. "They are not all original, but they do exist." I answer under my breath, deeply and genuinely annoyed.

"Do you buy unofficial stuff? You don't, look…. but then mostly you choose Jay's stuff?"

I look at him, surprised. Is this really the first thing he asks me? Did Ester really say something strange? Why was she apologizing?

"I don't see the problem." I mutter.

"And why do you have so few posters of me on this wall?"

"There's a giant one."

What the fuck are you saying Amanda? Are you going against yourself?

Heeseung bursts out laughing, I pale.

"Your friend's bias is Jake and Jay, yours…is me?"

"No, I told you I don't have it."

"Ester said otherwise."

HOW COULD SHE THINK OF SAYING SUCH A THING? Okay, let's calm down, after all, it's nothing serious….

"It's things said like that, I also said I would like to marry Sunghoon and Sunoo."

"You don't have literal, giant posters of them, though." He says, reminding me of my own self-goal.

"Okay, you've seen my room, now get out, you'll make Ester happy-"

I don't have time to finish the sentence that the roommate opens my room door motioning me to reach her for a second. No, I can't leave Heeseung alone in my room, yet…. ah, whatever, the damage is done.

"What the fuck do you tell him it's my bias?"

"I did it for you, maybe he falls in love! You move and invite me to the wedding!"

"You betrayed me…" I say with an edge to my voice, as my eyes drain of their humanity.

"It's less absurd than what's going on - says she, who can't stop laughing - please, it's beautiful."

"He also has a gigantic ego."

"Anyone in his position would have that."

"That's not an excuse."

"Listen, I have to go to work - she explains, in fact, now that I notice, she is ready dressed - next time you have to bring Jay, or Jake, please! No but what am I saying, bring them all!"

"I'll try." I sigh.

Ester gives me a kiss on the forehead, then goes to my room: Heeseung, as I suspected, is looking at my albums, in the cabinet where they are displayed there are other things, like laminated photocards neatly placed in small frames, gadgets, there is even their lightstick. Do I look like some kind of saesaeng probably? Or I'm too old for this?

"See you soon Lee Heeseung." Ester says, bowing again.

The boy, however, approaches when she is up, he pulls her into a warm embrace that I witness in disbelief. "Call me Heeseung, we are friends now."

Ester is deceased, blatantly, not moving, not breathing, not seeing probably. Even Heeseung worries, seeing her paralyzed, I hit her on the back, not too hard but enough to bring her to senses.

"I'm leaving, yes. See you soon, He-Heeseung." She says, quickly, running out.

We remain alone, the awkwardness turn again. I know he's about to drop a few more bomb that I won't be able to handle, so I start to gather some stuff inside a backpack. I avoid his gaze but also dialogue; I don't know when and how this awkwardness will end, but I see it coming.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I don't."

"You keep denying it? - He laughs with relish, the bastard. - You definitely would have gotten a few more points if you had told me."

"I don't want your points."

"Apparently not."

I feel like shouting so loudly that I break his eardrums, ripping that smile off his face. I didn't think that the most irresistible thing in the world, to me, would also become the most irritating and unbearable thing. Even more than Sunghoon's entire person…. or not?

"Ah, I get it! - He exclaims, suddenly looking at me. - You didn't tell me so you could fuck them all."

"I can do that even if you're my bias - I reply quickly and recklessly, proudly - even if you're not!"

"You admitted it! Now I'm telling everyone!"

He says this by pulling out his cell phone, I don't know why but this upsets me. Does he really want to text everyone to tell them it's my bias? It's childish, absolutely ridiculous.

I have to stop him.

I snap up, try to take the phone from his hands but he only has to lift his arm to stop me. I'm not that short, but I can't even get close to his hand.

I try anyway, or rather, I try to make him bend his arm to take the phone, but what happens is simply that my breasts, covered by the top, slam against his broad chest. Through it all, he seems to stare smugly at my expression.

This is not good, Amanda. I freeze, turning back defeated; this contact has destabilized me.

"Why don't you want them to know?"

"Because…" I seem to answer in a rush, but the truth is I don't know how to continue the sentence.

Or rather, there is a reason why I don't want to, and his name is Jake. I absolutely do not want, for any reason in the world, for him to know such a thing. But I also don't want to admit it.

On second thought, I could always deny it….

Breaking these vaguely positive thoughts is the figure of Heeseung photographing the wall of my bed.

"Yah! Are you a child?!" I call back to him visibly angry.

"Come on, why can't I?"

"I don't want Jake to know."

I'm honest, I couldn't help it. He is surprised, but maybe not surprised enough, so he goes back to photographing the wall.

"I came good here, didn't I?"

"I got it for this."

"Jake came good in this photoshoot too, you should have taken his if you care so much what he thinks."

"You're a bully, I didn't expect that." I sigh, going back to sorting out my stuff.

Again, he probably don't care, and maybe they all do. What the fans think, remains only fantasies, the people we imagine behind the cameras are actually quite scary, as humans.

"I'm not a bully." He seems to continue my sigh, his voice is different again.

"It sounds like you are to me."

"It's not like I really did." He mumbles offended.

"Will you?"

"It bothers me that you want to know."

What kind of reasoning is that? Of course I want to know, the real dilemma is why should he be bothered by it? And why does he want to do it? Is it really worth it?

"Telling others would put me at a disadvantage, while for you it would just be a flex."

Heeseung looks at me, feeling his eyes on me. "Does your friend know that you slept with both of her biases?"

I roll my eyes in irritation. "Not both, but I'll tell her."

"Doesn't it bother her?"

"She knew why I was hired, there's nothing weird about it, and she's not so childish as to hold a grudge against me over something like that."

At my statement, the pink-haired boy remains staring at me.

"I thought it was even worse between girls."

"In the past, Ester, she also dated an ex of mine because she liked him aesthetically. Don't categorize us as if we were ordinary friends."

"And it didn't bother you?"

"Why should it? We weren't together anymore, plus we're very open-minded."

Heeseung strolls around the room, continuing to observe. "I wouldn't be able to."

"Because you consider people objects."

Perhaps I am too abrupt in saying this, but I am also too tired, too vulnerable, to try to protect myself.

"Don't girls like it? Feeling owned by their boyfriends."

"Only the most naive ones." I explain, getting up and grabbing my backpack.

"Are you done?"

"I have to get the PC from over there."

He follows me in silence, I pick up the charger, the headphones, the laptop.

"Do you have any ramen?"

"What?"

"Some ramen."

"I guess so, why?"

Heeseung stretches, looking satisfied. "Let's eat here."

"No way." I deny.

"But why!" He whines like a wayward child, stamping his feet.

"These are Ester's things, i don-"

"You pass boyfriends but you're afraid she'll get upset over a little ramen?"

Checkmate, Amanda, I guess.

"Isn't your house nicer? Why do you want to stay here? The air conditioning doesn't even work."

"No problem - he exults, taking off his shirt suddenly - all fixed!"

I try to shut my mouth relatively quickly, then turn around. "You're like a mental ill, aren't you?"

"What kind of ramen flavors do you have?"

Right, he's obsessed with ramen, I can't tell how many times he's mentioned it in less than half a day. Okay, fine, but he remains shirtless. Help?

"I just don't get it - I sigh, setting my bag on the floor and turning toward the doors to see what the house offers - what's so interesting about being here?"

"When you live here, you are a normal person. I want to see what you're like when you're normal."

My God, how? How can I not turn around to stay staring at him after hearing something like that? Shirtless, I still remember it, by the way. His expression seems sincere, for the first time, perhaps because he is not looking at my face and seems uncomfortable with his own statement.

"I found out you're in love with me, that's something I wouldn't have found out if I hadn't come to your house."

I laugh robotically, annoyed again. "In love with you? I find you slightly cuter at best."

"That's 50 percent of falling in love."

"Actually, if we're talking about beauty, I think Niki is the most handsome. - I start talking, as I search the counters for any kind of ramen to bring for him to choose from, I don't understand why Ester has them scattered all over the equipped wall. - Then there's definitely Jake, then Jay."

"You don't have a giant poster of them though, that means you liked more than just my looks."

Again, Amanda? Really, whose side are you on? You should just avoid the speech.

"The voice, I really like your voice. - I say offhand, although I'm not lying, I really love his voice. - You're talented and you've even taken care of some of my favorite songs, so…" I make an effort to get to the bottom of the door, to the top shelf, I know for a fact that there are more packages there.

Something hard, long and thin, rests on my back. Yah! What are you thinking about? I'm talking about his abs.

His abs?!

I don't understand what is going on, he is practically crushing me with his body against the kitchen counter. I realize only after a few seconds that he has picked up the packages for me, him reaching there without difficulty.

Still, since he has picked them up, why doesn't he move? I turned away convinced that he would take them off, but eventually I find myself two inches from his face again, and it's not that I don't want to, but I just can't look away from him.

His eyes turned back to my lips, the perfect curve of his nose, his naturally magentate lips….

"If you tell me what you like about me, I won't tell anyone." He whispers, looking into my eyes this time.

Impossible not to swallow, as my throat becomes more and more parched. "R-Really?"

"Really." He repeats in an even warmer voice.

Why does he have to be so close? Can't I explain it at a proper distance? It's not easy to think when in front of me are his shoulders, his collarbones, the muscles of his long neck pulled like violin strings, when in front of me is Lee Heeseung.

I boldly lift a finger to his face, touching the tip of his nose. "I like when eat naturally in front of the camera. - He was the one who first erased the distance between us, so why shouldn't I touch him? That's my right. - I like the fact that you take music seriously, I like any way you sing. There's nothing you can't do when you sing."

I move my finger along the curve of his nose, he is surprised but does not push me away.

"I've always been fascinated by naturally talented, brilliant people, and I saw that you were and you are meant to shine. - I continue, avoiding looking into his eyes but focusing on the various details of his face. - I like whatever you're wearing - I admit, laughing to myself for being so shallow right now, then move my fingertip over his Cupid's bow, moving it slowly over his lips. - I like the shape of your mouth, I like your smile."

It doesn't surprise me all that much that he hasn't interrupted me yet; after all, I'm practically singing his praises, anyone would want to hear them.

Moving my finger to lift my other hand, I take his glasses, barely slipping them off. "I like you when you don't wear glasses - I put them back on him - but I also love it when you wear them."

Even so, though, I start to become uneasy because of his silence. The fact that he looks at me so intently makes me think he feels pity for me, or something like that.

"I like listening to your voice - I say after all, removing both hands, - when I'm sad, I put on your covers because your voice automatically makes me smile. I realize it's silly, but that's simply how it is."

"Are you making this up?" That's the first thing he asks, suddenly staring at me seriously.

"Ask any other fan, they'll tell you the same thing."

"I'm asking you."

My heart beats in an abnormal way, if I'm on the verge of death I'm okay with it, it seems like a worthy ending for a life like mine.

How did I get lost in his big dark eyes? How did I get caught between his body and the counter?

"If I said yes, would you believe me?" I ask.

Heeseung seems about to answer, but then evidently changes his mind. He decides instead to kiss me - yes, you read right. He kisses me, cupping my face in his large hands and kissing me.

I am kissing Lee Heeseung.

It is a surrender from the very beginning.

His lips merge with mine not able to resist him anyway. He grabs me by the hips, lifting me up so that I sit on the counter, then goes back to holding me by the cheeks as he assaults me with his kisses. Not rough, like Jay's, nor sweet like Jake's, Heeseung's kisses are dirty, perverse.

He knows how to move his lips slowly as he plays with his off-white teeth, leaving me little bites that sting. His tongue seems to melt in my mouth, I love the way it swirls around mine.

"So we have a secret now." He says, after slowly pulling away from me.

"Really?" I ask again.

Heeseung grabs my cheek again, this time though, he uses his thumb to pull the corner of my mouth, then does the same with his other hand on the other side.

"Show me tongue." He's ordering me to, it's obvious.

I have no idea where my dignity has gone, but it probably went completely astray after the kiss. I do it, in front of him, but I can't look at him in the process, it's too embarrassing.

"You are obedient… with other as well?"

I don't answer; I don't have to.

He sneers. "Then you really are. Is it because you like fucking so much?"

But what does he do? Does he just start saying things like that like it's nothing? Although I could catch a better glimpse of his character, I didn't make him one for dirty language in bed.

"Answer. Do you like it, fucking?" He asks, leaving the corners of my mouth to grasp my tongue with his index finger and thumb.

I look at him, this time, he reciprocates. "I love it."

He opens his lips, almost not expecting it, then closes his eyes for a second, smiling contentedly.

"Who fucked you better between the two of them?"

Why does everything have to be a competition? I've been with different people who had different approaches, equally valid, I really don't want to answer that question.

I bite his fingers, forcing him to remove from my mouth. "Both of them."

Heeseung laughs. "You're lying again." He says this by taking the same fingers with which he has been holding my mouth as he licks them.

Okay, okay, let's calm down. I said let's calm down.

"Why don't you want to tell me? We would have another secret. Don't you want another secret to share with me?" He says this by pushing the two offending fingers back into my mouth, and it is spontaneous for me to let him do it.

My saliva is mixing with his and I don't feel the slightest disgust. Although I suppose I would have been more excited if I hadn't realized that the one in front of me is deranged.

"I don't think I should trust you."

"Then it's true that you are awake."

Yes, that's right. Say it louder!

"It doesn't matter, I already know what you would have said anyway. - He says, taking me in his arms like a princess, unexpectedly. - I'm sure it's Jay."

I swallow, upset. "Jake is good, too."

"But it was better with Jay, wasn't it? - He continues quietly, dropping me on the big couch in the living room, while up, from above, he starts unbuttoning his jeans. - You like him because he seems to care about you, besides the fact that you liked him before, right? Since you think he is sincere, you feel more attached to him."

I swallow again, he's bothering me again. "You don't know anything at all!"

"One thing I know - he smiles, looking at me as he slowly lowers his pants, enough to expose the lump hidden under his black underwear - after today, you will no longer have any doubts about who fucked you better."

If you start out with this premise, dear Heeseung, perhaps you have no idea how good your companions really are. I don't doubt that you may have your own style, but they were just too good.

"Aren't you going to undress?" He asks me, surprised.

"I'm waiting for you to do it." I answer boldly, but I should stop him instead. Why dont I stop him?

It amuses him, but he'd rather be the first to get comfortable. "That's fine with me, too."

He grabs me by the hips, forcing my back to him. I rest my palms on the back of the couch as I feel him lift the folds of my skirt and then rest his large palm on a buttock, I have a shiver running through me from the tips of my toes to the last millimeter of my hair.

"Wow, it's so round." He comments, kneading it.

"S-Stop it!" I stammer, like an idiot, completely embarrassed.

I don't understand how I can be so awkward around him, when last night I was practically about to attack Jake. Is the fact that I like both dominating and being dominated, or do I just not have a personality? The last one would explain a lot.

Or maybe, it depends on the person in front of me.

"Why? Are you not enjoying it? - He asks, leaning his 'presence' in between. - Yet your panties - says, slipping a finger between my skin and the thin fabric of my panties - are soaked, how embarrassing."

I can't take it, it's too embarrassing, I'm not used to hearing him talk like this, honestly. My muscles are trembling because of a strange adrenaline coursing through my veins, yet I feel helpless, I feel like I am from the start completely at the mercy of his desires, and since he doesn't inspire me any trust, this makes me apprehensive.

Slipping a finger in, I gasp.

"Come on, don't pretend." He tells me, in an amused tone.

I hold back yet another groan, playing his game, but feeling mortified soon after. "What?"

"You mean to tell me you moan like that for one finger? Then what are you going to do with two…" He says it, he does.

Then he starts moving his hand faster and faster. I can't help plugging my mouth, closing my eyes in fright. He goes fast and makes me gasp, but I don't want to do it, I don't want him to make fun of me, I don't understand what's happening to me. I cling to the couch as his beat has begun to go too fast for me to contain my breathing. I feel my fingernails scratching the faux leather of the sofa as my back arches more and more, facilitating his movement.

"Go…go…slower!" I try to say, between groans.

Laughing, behind my back, he laughs again. "Are you pretending to be shy? Then you'll make me angry…"

How does his voice, with such sweet notes, sound so warm at this moment? I want to make him angrier, I admit, but if I asked him to slow down it's because I really need to get used to this speed, to the thickness of his five fingers, which 'definitely' aren't but seem to be.

"Slower!" I say, before letting out a yelp that I stifle with both hands as he continues to increase his speed.

"Why? It's only three fingers."

Really? I turn around with difficulty, although I'm practically bent over in front of him, looking at him to make sure his expression isn't sarcastic as usual.

"Do you really think I'm using my whole hand?" He asks, pulling them out; they are all but thumb and little finger, and all three are completely covered with my humors. He shows it to me, and I feel really stupid.

Not because I thought it was the whole hand as much as because now he must surely be thinking that I did it on purpose, that I said it as a pretense, to pretend… better not say what. Why is doing it with him so degrading? And why, despite this, am I already enjoying it so much?

Meat is meat, but I'm not sure it's worth it with someone like him.

"Did I hurt you?" He then asks me, since I don't answer.

I sit in front of him, not sure I want to go on, despite everything. "You'd make fun of me anyway, if I said yes."

He is surprised, I see him lift his chin uneasily as he looks away in annoyance.

"Answer."

"No…" I lie, sighing wearily.

"Are you sure? - Don't act worried, Heeseung. - It seemed-"

"I'm fine - I nod, not sure why, but I don't feel like seeing him worried, even if it weren't true. - We can continue if you want-"

But what does he do? Does he kneel down? Why is his gaze so focused? It's as if my body is being x-rayed, I can't move because of the anesthesia Heeseung seems to have given me. I could never move, as he looks at me like that, so intensely, I have chills.

"Even though I hurt you, you couldn't wait to continue, right? - He asks me in a whisper, stroking my abdomen with a finger, while his lips graze my groin and my skirt partially covers his face. - I'll help you heal."

"N-No! - I say instinctively, grabbing his head, finally managing to make contact with his hair and getting stuck for a moment. There is not a single reason why I should stop him, so why am I doing this? - Wait."

He doesn't give a shit, evidently, since his tongue has already found my other lips, the lower ones. Oh my God, there is no way I'm going to repeat something like that ever again in my life.

What is happening? It's as if an angel with cotton candy hair is abruptly leading me to heaven. It's so beautiful that I can't think of anything else.

First hell, and now heaven.

"Oh my God." I say, in italian, sinking my fingers into his hair.

Of course, he can't answer, I just feel him pushing between my legs to make me open them further. Why is he so good? Why does he put so much effort into it, if he is not the one enjoying it? I assumed that, in my position, I was the one who had to put they in the effort, and that's all.

"Lee Heeseung!" I seem to call out to him, he raises his head curiously and alarmed, finding me with a distraught, distressed expression.

"Ah…do you want to get right to it?" He asks, as his lips move in contact with my skin.

No need to answer, I push him back against me, panting more confidently as he hastily leads me down the path of pleasure.

"Mamma mia…" I say, nonchalant.

"AH!" Shouts Ester, who I can see is standing exactly in front of us.

"AAAH!" I shout back, surprised.

"AH!" Heeseung also joins us, who foolishly grabs onto my skirt to cover his face better.

I burst out laughing, Ester doesn't dare. "Please pretend that-"

"Omo, did my career just end?" He mutters between my thighs.

"No!" Rushes at us confused Ester, who then backs away.

I push Heeseung away, but he doesn't foul this time either, making himself look very prepared. "Mia carra (my dear) - improvises a terrible italian. - Nothing happened." He attempts denial.

Ester keeps shaking her hands in front of chest to reassure him but the idiot panics. "I won't say anything, really, but is it my turn next?" The red-haired girl asks with natural spontaneity.

My jaw drops instantly, he smiles, what are you smiling at, you jerk?

"Anytime."

I let them flirt through as I adjust my clothes, what a situation.

"Rest assured, I'm not telling anyone seriously." She reassures him.

Heeseung looks at her for a few seconds in silence, he's thinking about something, then gives a big smile and goes back to pretending. "Thank you so much! Mia carrrra!"

"I just came back for the phone - she explains, visibly nervous and undecided about what where or when to look, often to all these things the answer is Heeseung's chest. - Please stop speaking italian, it's horrible."

"Yah! Are all foreign fans like you? I was making an effort."

"First - Ester says, taking her phone from the kitchen counter - call me noona, second…is that what you were talking about?" She asks me.

The giggle that escapes my lips sounds damn fake. "What? What are you talking about?"

"Don't tell lies, you can't - she advises, waving as she sets off - have fun. See you soon."

"I like her." He nods, saying it as soon as Ester has closed the door.

"I know, I'd like to be with her if I were a man."

"You could have any woman and you would choose your best friend?"

"What's that got to do with it? Are you stupid?"

We continue bickering for a few handfuls of seconds before his phone rings, interrupting the mood. I guess that's how it ends, but I can't say it went badly.

"What are you doing?" He asks, seeing me get up.

I look at him surprised. "Huh?"

"Are you done, by any chance? - He looks resentful. - Is everything okay since you're done?"

I cover my mouth as a soft laugh escapes naturally. "I'm sorry… do I look like I'm done?"

"Ah, aren't you finished?!" He continues, further outraged.

I pause to observe him for a few seconds, I don't know why but I get the impression that this reaction is genuine, and it's strange, because it's the first time I've sensed it really. He notices that I'm staring at him, but he doesn't say anything, on the contrary he shifts his gaze suddenly embarrassed.

"We should go home." I advise, as he re-buttons his tight jeans with obvious difficulty.

"It's okay, I don't care."

"Don't be like that, I'm pretty tired. Too many emotions today." I further explain, picking up two packets of my favorite ramen noodles to put on the stove.

"Shall we eat here?" He asks me though.

"Do you find it comfortable? We can do that."

Why am I acting like this? Why am I humoring him? Why do I seem to feel a protective desire toward him? I also feel that behind his goliardia is just a little boy, perhaps one too gifted to know how to handle. Despite this, I also get the impression that he might stab me at any time, in whatever sense you want to interpret it, once again.

"Which… - I see him approaching restlessly. - Which one are you cooking?"

"A rather spicy one, that should do." I say, without looking at him, too busy at the stove.

He sits on the stool at the kitchen island, leaning on his palms. "You know a lot about me, don't you?"

"I know a lot about all of you."

"But I bet you know more about me."

"You're wrong - I reply, turning away - I'm not that kind of fan."

"Why do you keep rejecting me? Yet I'm so nice to you. - He sighs and pouts. - Why are you mad at me, by any chance?"

"Because…"

You don't look real, get it?

I put some condiments on the table, fortunately Ester has become perfectly accustomed to korean cuisine, so I don't have any big problems. Having plated the ramen, Heeseung looks like a child looking around with natural curiosity, or like a wild animal observing its environment with natural fear: a deer, indeed.

"Aren't you going to answer?" He asks, although his gaze is completely focused on the bowl where I have collected all the ramen, which I place in the center of the surface, amidst the condiments.

"Why should I?" I feign mystery as I sit across from him.

"Thank you for the food!" He gives thanks, picking up his chopsticks and looking at the dishes in front of him with that splendid smile, despite the fact that they are objectively nothing much.

"Make yourself at home."

"I will."

The meal begins quietly, Heeseung is too focused on the food, me on him, who is awkward and spontaneous as he stuffs his mouth, who smiles sincerely when he has finished scooping a mouthful of ramen into his wide, lovely mouth.

"I like this brand, but I've eaten it a few times."

"How come?"

"This is a poor's brand."

Completely surprised by his statement, I stand still for a moment. "Oh yeah? I thought you liked the mini-market stuff." I explain, justifying my reaction.

Heeseung remains staring at me in silence, for the umpteenth time, I blatantly uncomfortable cough. "No, I like expensive brands."

"I should have guessed."

"When you try those kinds of products - he says, putting a pile of enoki mushrooms in my bowl - it's hard to go back to liking that stuff. - It makes sense, I realize, but I'm still confused that he would give me such thoughtfulness. - What are you thinking about? I don't like enoki mushrooms."

"Ah - I exclaim now with clearer ideas, picking up some of them - that's fine. I like them."

Lunch continues in a strange silence for a few seconds, then I see him pick up the bowl with both hands, to drink the broth. This spontaneously makes me smile, because it is very honest behavior, though not exactly approved by occidental etiquette.

"Glad the meal was to your liking, Lee Heeseung."

"Don't be so formal." He feigns shyness.

I smile again, unable to stop. "Do you want to eat this too?"

"No, if I get fat you will buy Jay's giant poster. I'm doing you a favor - he laughs, satisfied, then looks at my plate - but why aren't you eating anything? Don't tell me it's really because of me? Sunghoon's?"

"No - I wipe away all his doubts with my hand, relaxed - it's just that I haven't gotten used to all this yet. My stomach is completely shut down."

"Even the first night, you decided what to order but ate almost nothing, instead you just drank. Are you an alcoholic? I imagine less attractive alcoholics."

I really like this atmosphere, it feels so spontaneous. Heeseung has a sweet voice, it's nice to hear him talk, I imagine I could do it for hours and it's amazing to be in front of him while he simply exists. The feelings since we left home have changed so many times that I feel a tornado of emotions inside me.

"Could I be?" I ask, feigning thoughtfulness.

"Really you should-"

Getting up before I can finish the sentence, he freezes, in turn. "Shall we go? We're in the middle of the date now."

In the end, Heeseung is very different from how he introduced himself, almost giving me the impression that he is calmer than he wants to appear. His company is pleasant, and strangely he is not so annoying, yet he still doesn't convince me. But why?

"What if we order takeout and simply go home?" He asks me, after evidently thinking about it for a long time.

"Why?"

He looks at me, not answering.

"No, I told you I'm retiring. I'm tired."

Wait, Amanda, are you rejecting Lee Heeseung? And when did we agree to that? What exactly is going on?

"What?" He asks, but I wonder too.

"I don't… I don't feel like it, but we can play, though. I'm taking the laptop for that."

He looks at me again, then sketches a confused half-smile. "Ok, let's do it."

Oh no, I get it! Your tactic is much more devious, Amanda.

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