#I like my characters with crippling mental illness

[acecrow]

Saline solution

[elnotwoods]

wouldn’t it be absolutely fucking hilarious if i had to repeat the semester again AGAIN because straight up got too anxious on my exam? ha ha ha ha haaaa-

[29121996]

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[venussaidso]

𝗞𝗲𝘁𝘂 𝗗𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝗧𝗵𝗲𝗺𝗲𝘀 — 𝐍𝐚𝐤𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐫𝐚 𝐎𝐛𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐒𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐬 (part 1) 𝐨𝐟 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝟏𝟎

disclaimer: spoilers for all movies or shows mentioned.

the warnings: mentions of drug abuse, sexual violence, self-harm, genocide, mental disorders/illnesses, cannibalism and self amputation.

The most interesting theme within all the Ketu nakshatras was one that was unexpected, as it is common to mainly associate Ketu with concepts of disconnection or isolation from society as a whole -- since Ketu is often linked with the 12H. But it is more about the interactions with the unseen forces within society more than anything. Because the 12H also represents the collective's consciousness and all the interconnected energies that come with that which Ketu becomes possessed by. And it is Ashwini that is the most sensitive Ketu nakshatra, as it easily becomes consumed & absorbed by these 12H energies which often leads to chaos and loneliness.

Ashwini nakshatra embodies Nothingness which is the oldest energy in the universe. It's between a space before actualized creation, and after the rise of awareness that's emerged from Nothingness (or the Cosmic Void). It is very fitting that this is the first nakshatra; but it should also be considered the last as it essentially represents the non-duality of Life & Death. This theme is further extended in Bharani and beautifully explored in that nakshatra, but in Ashwini we focus on the spirit's evolution. The energy found in this nakshatra is as undeveloped as it is chaotic, which is why evolution needs to take place -- and this usually involves extreme harsh forces to tame it. It is in Ashwini where there's confusion or lack of self-awareness of one's own identity as energies here become repressed, unconsciously accumulating. I'm going to use some films as examples to explore this point.

First, I'm going to use the most typical Ketu-coded character. Ashwini Moon Christian Bale's Patrick Bateman in "American Psycho". This film follows an investment banker who relishes in the wealthy excesses of his superficial lifestyle in which everybody else around him also revels in. His life is empty, mostly revolving around getting into exclusive restaurants, wallowing in designer suits, having a meticulous morning routine etc. There's a pressure in general for conformity and Ashwini is sensitive to these energies which they take up, driving them to compete and also go too far with this -- because it's no longer about conforming anymore. It's become an obsession, and these pressures drive Patrick Bateman into homicidal tendencies as an outlet. This film perfectly encapsulates modern-day consumerisms, and it is of course an Ashwini native who is driven into a descent of madness from this empty, superficial culture he's subjected to.

Nothing can fill up the emptiness inside of him and he knows that. This crippling, painful understanding is what continuously manifests his violent self-hatred and hatred towards others. And this is why he is forever trapped in a cycle of loneliness, as he is surrounded by the same narcissistic, self-absorbed suits who will continue to maintain this soulless, superficial culture.

The movie was adapted from the book with the same name, written by Mula Moon Bret Easton Ellis whose own experiences inspired the book "American Psycho".

Quote from an interview; OregonLive (2010);

"[Patrick Bateman] did not come out of me sitting down and wanting to write a grand sweeping indictment of yuppie culture. It initiated because my own isolation and alienation at a point in my life. I was living like Patrick Bateman. I was slipping into a consumerist kind of void that was supposed to give me confidence and make me feel good about myself but just made me feel worse and worse and worse about myself. That is where the tension of 'American Psycho' came from... It came from a much more personal place."

-- Mula Moon Bret Easton Ellis

Now, onto the movie "Fight Club", which was directed by Magha Sun David Fincher, and stars Magha Sun Edward Norton and Mula Sun Brad Pitt.

The most highlighted character from this film, played by Brad Pitt, is Tyler Durden, who plans on making a revolution to destroy the hyper-capitalistic, materialistic superficial culture that we saw destroy Patrick Bateman from the inside in "American Psycho".

(video - 🎧)

Of course, just like Ashwini Moon Patrick Bateman took his obsessive consumerism too far; Mula Sun Tyler Durden lays on the opposite spectrum -- aiming to destroy modern society by blowing up all credit card companies and ruining the world's economy. Mula is related to destruction as it is ruled by Nirriti, the goddess of destruction. The oppressive forces that weigh on this Mula character, Tyler Durden, causes him into a spiral for freedom (9H), using extremities and acts of terrorism to be rid of ego/society. Whereas Ashwini, having no solid identity and just being undeveloped in nature, is more likely to conform; but so long as Ketu is there, there will always be an emptiness in the ambitious pursuit of things. Ashwini can grant excess wealth and fame, but with no inner fulfillment or balance, you see characters like Patrick Bateman. Or Daniel Plainview from "There Will Be Blood".

A movie directed by Paul Thomas Anderson who has Ketu in Magha, and stars Ashwini Moon, Mula Ascendant Daniel Day Lewis who portrays Daniel Plainview. Plainview is more Ashwini, as he is an extremely ambitious, capitalistic and competitive oilman.

His pursuit for wealth and power leads him to personal loneliness, isolation and emptiness -- we see how Ketuvians become so drained and eaten alive by the energies they absorb in the pursuit of things. Similarly to Patrick Bateman, he not only hates others but himself and wishes for no one to succeed in life.

(click on the gif(s) if they're buffering lmao, i swear they're cheap)

His primal competitiveness and self-loathing even drives away his only family -- his only child. His adult son means to do his own oilrig business and cuts his partnership with him. But Plainview's unchecked ambition shows that even after attaining success and power, he literally goes ahead to disown his own son as he considers him competition now. And now he extends the same hatred he has for others to him. Further isolating himself; this validating his deep sense of loneliness that was always there with his self-loathing.

The film ends in an Ashwini fashion; in which Plainview goes into a psychotic meltdown and murders someone who he has had a long stewing hatred for.

(YouTube clip by me - 🎧)

I wanted to provide a brilliant video from the YouTuber "The Vile Eye", who explored the dark nature of this character; because it perfectly illustrates Ashwini nakshatra in a twisted way -- especially in how Aries in this segment is influenced by Ketu forces. Everything about this character is every Aries stereotype you can think of from the top of your head, but Ketu exaggerates it to the point of extremity and tragedy.

Amazing video for anyone who wants to understand Ashwini at its extreme which can manifest in real life of course.

Now in the series "Peaky Blinders", which I quickly wanted to mention, stars Ashwini Moon Cillian Murphy whose character faces moral dilemmas, as his relentless pursuit of power contributes to his moral ambiguity.

His ruthless ambition to become the most powerful in the criminal underworld is something I couldn't help but relate it back to Ashwini's drive & competitiveness.

The movie "Scarface" stars Ashwini Sun Al Pacino who plays Tony Montana. And fun fact, Tony Montana is loosely based and inspired by the real-life figure, Al Capone, who was literally a goddamn Ashwini Moon. So, I say Scarface is a fucking Ashwini movie.

Both Tony Montana and Al Capone had unchecked ambitions and an unrelenting desire for power. In Ashwini, extreme power can be attained, and we saw how Tony Montana quickly rose to it (as Ashwini is the Star of Transport and it is associated with Shidhra Vyapani Shakti which translates to 'The Power to Quickly Reach Things'). Similarly, Al Capone was also driven by the desire for power and he attained it.

Like Daniel Plainview in "There Will Be Blood", Tony Montana starts to experience isolation after all of his achievements. His chaotic behaviour contributes to his alienation, and he starts to feel intensifying loneliness, which seems to be a theme with this nakshatra. And this film also ends in Ashwini fashion; with absolute chaos, the psychotic unraveling of Tony and of course death.

I wanted to also add in the movie "Nightcrawler" which stars Mula Sun Jake Gyllenhaal who plays a character willing to go to the extreme lengths for success and personal achievement, to the point of exploiting others and not giving two fucks about ethical boundaries.

He has a distorted view of success and has an unchecked, ruthless ambition which is common in Ketu nakshatras. He is also a socially isolated character, behaving inappropriately as he is disconnected from social norms. He lacks zero empathy. In his obsessive & relentless pursuit of success, he is devoid of humanity. Had to mention this film because these themes are not exclusive to Ashwini.

But as I did mention, Mula is more likely to be aware of societal pressures and these natives often feel deeply disturbed by them -- while Ashwini is more focused on the Self, as it's ruled by the 1H. In the film "Falling Down", Mula Moon Michael Douglas plays a character who has become disillusioned and is now aware of the pressures and oppression caused by the modern-day life. This movie is literally directed by Magha Sun Joel Schumacher.

He confronts many issues such as homelessness and crime, which are heavily rooted in the greedy, capitalistic system of modern society. But he becomes violent and chaotic himself, going into a descent to madness (from absorbing the energies felt by the collective who also feel the weight of these oppressive forces within society). This movie deals with the consequences of unchecked rage, a theme shared in all Ketu nakshatras.

The film "Taxi Driver", which stars Magha Sun Robert De Niro and is directed by Magha Ascendant Martin Scorsese, depicts a man who suffers from extreme loneliness, alienation from society, and struggles with existential crisis. The film explores social decay; such as social disparities, the disillusionment of our main character to society's ills, crime, poverty etc. He goes into a descent into vigilantism, using violence as a catharsis which is a common thing for these Ketu nakshatras (mainly Magha and Mula as it looks at societal frustrations and the emptiness in life/modern culture).

The character also suffers from a possible case of untreated mental illness, and insomnia -- and this seems to be a theme with all Ketu nakshatras in general.

Another film where the main character suffers from extreme insomnia is "The Machinist", starring Ashwini Moon Christian Bale whose character's insomnia and untreated mental illness literally contribute to his isolation and alienation.

will be coming back to this film in my part 2 post

And the film "Fight Club", in which Magha Sun Edward Norton plays an insomniac character who has dissociative identity disorder. And his split personality is interestingly played by Mula Sun Brad Pitt.

Then we have the film "Insomnia", directed by Ketu in Magha Christopher Nolan, starring Ashwini Sun Al Pacino who plays an insomniac detective who faces some mental challenges.

There is a spiritual belief about insomnia, which suggests that there may be a disturbance in one's spirit; unresolved issues that have been long suppressed can be linked to an imbalance of energy within the body. This causes restlessness and more mental problems. This could make sense as Ketu and the 12H deal with what is unconscious -- and how that tends to be our deep, rooted traumas and the way in which they affect us & those around us. And not just traumas, could just be repression of one's own internal suffering from either loneliness or external pressures. We see this with Patrick Bateman, whose only outlet is literal murder, or Tyler Durden's 'revolutionary' fight club causing more destruction around him as planned. Both characters violently act out from these unaddressed decaying energies within themselves and from within society.

The series "Sharp Objects", directed by Magha Moon Jean-Marc Vallé, mostly deals with family traumas, but also shows how those traumas and unresolved energies literally cause death and chaos around them.

Camille Preaker, who is played by Magha Sun Amy Adams, is deeply traumatized and troubled. She has a history of self-harm and has many scars on her body; her self-destructive behaviour is a coping mechanism for what happened when she was young (sexual violence by a group of boys and witnessing the slow, painful and preventative death of her sister). Then we have her younger half-sister Amma, played by Magha Moon Eliza Scanlen, who has a hidden dark side that has been shaped by the family's troubled history and generational trauma. By the end of the series, we find out that Amma is the killer of the violent murders that have shocked the townspeople of Wind Gap. It is Amma who is responsible for all of the gruesome deaths of the girls whose teeth were removed. As Camille's coping mechanism is cutting herself as self-punishment for all the guilt she harbours from the death of her sister, Amma literally commits homicidal acts. All of this connecting to just how messed up, and complex, their trauma and the community they grew up in is. And then we have their mother, played by Mula Moon Patricia Clarkson, who has Munchausen syndrome and is responsible for the death of her oldest daughter. Camille was a witness to her sister's suffering and death, and she sees her mother as a monster and now her little sister is an extension of her. This series is such a good example of how our own personal unchecked traumas affect others, especially those who aren't involved. And how much destruction can be caused, as we see with Amma killing other girls as an 'outlet'. This is why I now realize how wrong I was about Ketu, as Ketu is not necessarily about isolating from society. Regarding society, Ketu will be the complex yet intricate unaddressed/rotting energies within society, and it always relates back to individuals' personal generational traumas. It makes sense that Magha relates to ancestry roots and origins of oneself, even the origins of one's trauma.

Now onto the film "Nocturnal Animals", which is directed by Magha Sun Tom Ford, stars Magha Sun Amy Adams and Mula Sun Jake Gyllenhaal.

Amy Adams plays Susan who is a successful art gallery owner. She receives a manuscript for a novel called Nocturnal Animals sent to her by her ex-husband Edward who's played by Jake Gyllenhaal. The book is extremely violent & tragic; but it actually turns out to be a symbolic reflection of their relationship and marriage. Bringing in the Ketu themes of unresolved trauma and getting to the roots of it (Mula theme). This book serves to make Susan confront how much of her actions fucked him up. The movie focuses on the confronting of one's past, telling of how trauma will still continue to shape the lives of those involved. And the movie shows that even Susan still has unresolved issues just by her repulsed reactions to extreme parts of the novel.

The movies "Split" and "Glass", stars two Ashwini Suns, Anya Taylor Joy and James McAvoy. McAvoy's character, Kevin, has dissociative personality disorder and these different personalities exist to keep him safe. His trauma is so extreme and deeply painful that it manifested into the creation of The Beast, the most dangerous and superhuman personality. Three kidnapped girls are prey to The Beast as they end up being devoured by it but there is only one doesn't fall victim to him -- and that's Anya Taylor Joy's character Casey.

The reason why she doesn't fall victim is because she, too, has suffered extreme trauma and her resilience through it is what creates an immediate connection with Kevin. It is when The Beast sees her scars that he calls her pure, implying that those who have been damaged are the ones who are truly evolved.

(YouTube clip by me - 🎧)

Also, "Split" is another example of how deeply repressed energies and traumas of one can ruin everything around them and victimize those close to the Ketuvians (usually uninvolved people's lives being violently taken; "Split", "Sharp Objects", "American Psycho", "Falling Down" etc.).

Ashwini Moon Zendaya in the series "Euphoria" plays a character, Rue, who has been through a significant amount of trauma, including the passing of her father. She uses self-destructive ways to cope with her deep emotional pain and grief, very similarly to Magha Sun Amy Adams's character in "Sharp Objects". Rue uses drugs to numb herself from her harsh realities. There is a moment in the series in which she has a chaotic meltdown.

(YouTube clip by me - 🎧)

Something I now understand with Ashwini is how explosive, volatile and scary its ungrounded energy can be -- exactly why I'd commonly associate it with hysterical meltdowns which can lead to accidental or unplanned homicidal acts or other forms of harm/self-harm. This scene of Rue is vaguely taking me back to Ashwini Moon Christian Bale's spiraling and meltdowns in "American Psycho".

(YouTube clip by me - 🎧)

Ketu, especially with Magha, seems to cause erratic behaviours when its natives aren't purified of their long-accumulated baggage in their unconsciousness -- exactly why the 8H is also ruled by Ketu as Scorpio shares this particular theme. As long as there is deep disturbance and imbalance in the body, there is no rest for the soul -- even for future incarnations to come.

But now, I want to touch on the senseless harshness of Ketu. Remember, this energy embodies the eternal sucking void. Mula nakshatra relates to the center of the cosmic void and goes straight into the roots of it. Ashwini has already risen from it, while Mula is centering itself back into it. Mula is where we seek an awakening to the truth of what is behind reality. What is on the other side of the cosmic void? Truth is searched in Mula, but it seems that it is Ashwini that understands that chaos is the absolute truth of reality. There is no meaning to anything, which sounds nihilistic, but it is what makes life beautiful.

In the film "The Pianist", written & directed by Magha Sun Roman Polanski, starring Ashwini Sun Adrien Brody, starts out quite warm with a well-put together family and a handsome talented Ashwini man who dreams of being a pianist. But things take a drastic turn. We see a once bright-eyed boy turn into the shell of the person he once was after going through such harrowing events, and things just keep getting tragically worse and worse until there is not even a sliver of hope anymore. The majority of the film is literally just despair, senseless cruelty, and the protagonist's soul slowly becoming annihilated.

I've never watched a film more Ketuvian than this; surrounded by genocide, death and being completely isolated while being eaten by one's own lonely misery.

One moment you think one character is going to make it out alive somehow because they have the conviction and drive to survive, but the film immediately takes that idea away as they helplessly die. You think the protagonist is going to see some light, and the film even makes you slightly comfortable in some moments given the harsh realities, but you witness just how everything remains tragic. There are no answers to any prayers, as suffering is just ongoing. This tonality creates another layer of feeling trapped, and you watch as the character just lets life do whatever it wants to him as he is trapped in a world where he is helpless anyway. With Ketu, you realize that there was never any security or answers to this senseless chaos in this world to begin with.

But his survival at the end makes you question why he even went through all of that. There was no lesson to be taken from such a tragic, horrifying experience. Why did his other friends and family die but not him? In the end, he became a successful pianist as he dreamt of from the beginning. He was exceptionally talented from the start; these events took everything away from him except his passion for the piano. What he went through was senseless, as Ketu has no prime motivation. Saturn will push you through the worst so that you can reach a level where you can now attain all of your reaped rewards, Ketu doesn't care for what you get in the end -- that's Rahu's objective, as Rahu deals with ego; Ketu deals with the evolution of one's soul and that usually involves its annihilation.

The kdrama "Save Me", stars three Ketu natives; Magha Moon Seo Yea-ji, Mula Moon Woo Do-hwan and Mula Sun Ok Taec-yeon. It follows Seo Yeah-ji's character, Sang-mi, and her family after moving into a new town. They become influenced and entangled by a religious cult. Sang-mi becomes aware of just how oppressive and dangerous the cult is when she & her family literally lose all control to them. Sang-mi's attempts to escape become futile, as she remains trapped under the oppressive abuse of the cult, turning her more into a shell of the person she once was.

(The Mula male characters are the ones who find out about the Magha girl's whereabouts, and they plan to save her and her family from the clutches of the cult.)

She witnesses extremely harrowing events, and the drama makes you feel the sense of hopelessness that she's feeling -- trapped and completely helpless no matter how much she tries to save herself and family. There is a similar sense of hopelessness and lose of one's own identity found in "The Pianist", but in this drama it's more about extreme involuntary isolation from society (which I will be expanding on in part 2 of this exploration).

The film "Society of the Snow" is literally directed by Ashwini Moon J.A. Bayona, based on real life events. There's a documentary based on these events as well, "Stranded: I've Come From A Plane That Crashed On The Mountains", directed by Magha Moon Gonzalo Arijon.

Now, in the "Society of the Snow", there is a tone of hopelessness set in the film because of the gruesome reality that these characters (based on real life people) experience. And never in their lifetime did they think that everything was going to change so drastically from just living the average life of normal teenage boys. These characters, who were in a rugby team, get on a plane that would soon crash onto glacier surrounded by endless cold harsh mountains -- with just a piece of the wrecked plane remaining in which they take shelter in. The protagonists are surrounded by the dead bodies of friends who did not survive the crash, and now they must spend the first night in harsh coldness while many are severely injured. They couldn't even sleep, the first night being spent with many of them crying and wailing out loud, nearly freezing to death. One day after, a rescue helicopter searches for them, and they all scream out for help. But the helicopter misses them as they're barely noticeable under all the glacier that surrounds them. This is when the sense of hopelessness and despair kicks in and intensifies as the story progresses. Now that chances of being rescued have completely fallen to zero, they realize that they can't ignore their growing hunger anymore. They all have no choice but to eat the flesh of the dead bodies after running out of chocolates. We see how these decisions mentally challenge some of the characters. It is truly tragic as they were stranded, isolated from the world and completely in despair in every waking day, for a span of 72 days.

After being rescued, we see just how malnourished they were from the looks of their bodies. They come back home bone-skinny and weak. And the monologue in the ending scene tells us how the survivors wondered; "Why didn't we all get to come back [home]?" "What is the meaning of it all?" These are the questions asked when we observe these raw Ketu events.

Ashwini Moon J.A. Bayona also made the film "The Impossible", which is about survival and resilience -- based on real life events. Much like "Society of the Snow", it also has a sense of complete despair and there is an involuntary separation of a family (which reminds me of "The Pianist" in which Ashwini Sun Adrien Brody's character is also separated from his family in the story).

"Nothing is more powerful than the human spirit" it writes on the poster.

"Nowhere", is directed by Ashwini Moon Albert Pintó, a survival thriller about a pregnant woman who finds herself isolated from society as she's drifting in the sea trapped inside a container. Because of her newborn baby, she is forced to survive and protect her child even when there is no hope. The reason why she's even in the container is because she was fleeing a society of a dystopian future in which women & children are caged and murdered (Ketu's oppressive forces and her attempt to run away from them leads her to total isolation which is another manifestation of Ketu).

And we also have the film "127 Hours", directed by Ashwini Moon Danny Boyle, starring Ashwini Sun James Franco who plays Aron Ralston whose right arm becomes trapped against the canyon wall when he was on a solo canyoneering trip. When he is unable to release himself, we realize the severity of his situation. He is completely isolated and alone. His own supplies running out and he's losing his mind. The struggle for survival and one's own helplessness is a theme of Ashwini nakshatra as this eventually drives one into taking extreme measures for freedom -- as the audience sees him resorting to cutting his own arm off.

These themes seem to speak of the power and resilience of the human spirit, as emphasized in "The Impossible" and "Society of the Snow". Our ability to survive even just our own personal traumas must be a testament to our spirit being an extension of the Higher Power which is behind the happenings of all of these senseless yet significant experiences and events we go through.

It is in Ashwini that one's experience through harsh forces contributes to the spirit's evolution after total annihilation, which leads us on the path towards moksha. This is particularly why I state that Ashwini must be the last nakshatra, in my opinion of course.

Ketu is very pure by nature, and it wants to destroy impurities. The repression of one's accumulated dirt can manifest in destructive tendencies, this being a misdirected flow of Ketu energies wanting to express the very raw forces we're wired to run away from. By facing one's true inner self and embracing your entirety is how you embrace Ketu in general. But one must go deep and inward. All three Ketu nakshatras deal with getting to the roots for this reason.

Ashwini is ruled by the Ashwini Kumaras, gods of medicine and healing. Also known as divine physicians. In order to heal, one must get to the root of all disturbances in order to create the perfect medicine to heal. As Ashwini is ruled by the 1H, this does involve getting into the roots of oneself for self-liberation. Magha, on the other hand, is about tracing your own existence back to the consciousness of others -- usually family members and ancestors. Magha relates to generational trauma and shining light on that in order to be freer. Mula is symbolized by the roots of a tree, and 'mula' translates to 'roots'. It signifies ancestry roots as well, but mostly the truth. Mula is where disillusionment takes place as one gets directly into the roots of everything; going right into the galactic center -- which can also signify going right into the roots of our demons and letting all of that rotting energy burn from your body. And after this purification process, one's consciousness raises by default.

Ashwini has strong, undeveloped energies which can be tamed and grounded to be properly channeled -- in order for this to be achieved, one must let go of poisonous impurities so that they're no longer controlled/possessed by unseen forces. It is in Ashwini that we expand on the interconnection of the collective consciousness being tight, as this was secretly discovered in Uttara Bhadrapada and remembered in Revati. Ashwini nakshatra is extremely sensitive to outward energies, as are the rest of the Ketu nakshatras. Every individual's consciousness is affecting the whole world somehow. This being a Ketu theme in general describes the whole energetic field of the world and how we each play a part in it and affect each other's lives. As all Ketu nakshatras deal with getting into the roots of things, we must get dirty by digging into our own roots which are connected to the reasons for our layers of repressed emotions such as rage, numbness, resentment, hatred and grief which are commonly harboured in Ketu natives. These unconscious emotions, which form our Shadow Self, contribute to how we interact with the world and other people -- and there's always that capacity to harm or further traumatize others because of our own unchecked, hidden troubles. Mula also perfectly shows how all of the complex, interconnected traumas of everyone else are intertwining and creating more chaos and confusion in society; and the disillusionment to how the oppressive systems of society are just breeding more of these pains & troubles -- which in turn, in Ketu fashion, demonstrates just how trapped everyone is.

Continued in Part 2 of this exploration

[magicaii]

The fact that when tsukasa tenma experiences something highly traumatic he instantly zeroes in on what he did wrong to end up in that situation, drills into his head how to avoid experiencing something like that again in the future, and immediately tries to forget the event ever happening because it’s not only a reminder of his failure but the memory would also cripple his self value enough to hinder his ability to be the person people expect him to and move forward with a new lesson learned to avoid being traumatized again. The problem with this is that you can’t forget your trauma, because then you’ll never be able to fully process what happened to you and recognize what effect it has on your life and outlook. Tsukasa is never able to do this because he does his damndest best to completely erase the memory. When someone has trauma, it’s a completely normal response to come up with a strategy or solution to deal with the damage you’ve been dealt, whether it’s simply withdrawing from those feelings inwardly or acting outwardly in a way to make sure it can’t hurt or affect you again. The problem is that these aren’t healthy patterns, and you’re supposed to get help so that you can acknowledge what happened and move PAST it. Tsukasa is so adamant to pretend shit never took place that he is stuck in this horribly unhealthy phase with terrible mechanisms to get through it all, and since he never processes his trauma has even taken it to the next level by piling it on and on every time something new happens. Saki forced herself to smile because of me? I can never disappoint someone again. The audience didn’t enjoy our play? I said I wouldn’t disappoint people anymore, so I can’t believe I did it again, I have to double down now. The troupe broke up and it’s my fault? I let them down as a leader, I need to take on every burden by myself so that I’m the one solely responsible for everything and I will make sure nothing goes wrong again. Thing is, all these feelings are valid to a certain extent, there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to disappoint people and feeling remorseful when you make them upset. It’s just not good when you’re basing all your worth as a person on how well you live up to peoples standards. He’s so fixated on how well he “performs” that his behaviour becomes EXTREMELY erratic when he is faced with his own failure. Sometimes he straight up lashes out or retracts, both so different from his usual demeanour that people are utterly taken back to the point where even if they are concerned about tsukasa they find it hard to say anything because it’s almost like dealing with an entirely different person. I don’t know how to wrap this up but he’s so mentally ill and I feel that people overlook it a lot because he’s also a comedic character.

[kseniyagreen]

I like to think that Mysterious lotus casebook is actually a very pro-queer drama. In every sense.

Throughout the entire drama, we constantly come across strange characters, with strange relationships, eccentrics, the crippled, the mentally ill.

The whole spectrum of people who have escaped from society or been expelled from society or crushed by it.

Some of them lost themselves. Some of them turn from victim to abuser.

But the majority of them are just people who deserve respect and sympathy.

And the overall view of the drama on such people (largely through Li Lianhua's eyes ) is very compassionate, with the belief that such people are also capable of finding respect, understanding, friendship and love in this world.

My only complaint is that I would really like such dramas to end with a confident positive ending for the main characters, not a Schrödinger ending.

Because queer people need not just sympathy for their difficult lives, but confident recognition of their right to be and have a happy life.

[maliciouslove]

𝕄𝕒𝕣𝕣𝕪 𝕪𝕠𝕦 𝕨𝕚𝕥𝕙 𝕡𝕒𝕡𝕖𝕣 𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕘𝕤

SFW, characters aged up (21+) 

pairing // Bakugou Katsuki x reader

word count // 1.1k

tags // chaos, descriptions of mental illness, mention of self-harm, depiction of life as a struggle, financial struggle, mention of mental breakdowns, hurt/comfort

AN // I do not listen to Taylor Swift, but the lyrics of Paper Rings inspired this. I just needed comfort.

Kiss me once 'cause you know I had a long night

Life isn’t perfect. It’s an unpredictable tidal wave that can either drown you or take you to some far off shore. It’s a storm that takes you by surprise, a force of nature you cannot control, nor predict. 

Life isn’t always beautiful. It can be ugly, painful; it can leave scars on your soul that still burn, never quite fading. Even the most beautiful rose will hurt you with its thorns. 

And life isn’t a fairy tale story with a happy ending—it’s a never-ending maze of horrors and miracles that you have no idea how to navigate. You wander until your feet bleed, but every once in a while you can stop and admire the flowers that have engulfed the tall walls. 

Life is difficult.

When you don’t come from money, and you’re barely getting by, swamped in work that doesn’t pay but requires a lot, drowning in bills and mental illness that cripples you and holds you hostage in the dark. When your family rejects you, and you have only two friends who (try to) keep you afloat and the orange cat you found by the dumpster behind your workplace during a breakdown. When life is a rollercoaster of unpleasant surprises and punches in the face and you can’t even finish your papers for school because your mind never shuts off, and you’re much, much too tired to deal with it all. 

When you're at your lowest… Life gave you a miracle called Bakugo Katsuki. 

Kiss me twice 'cause it's gonna be alright

And he didn’t come from money either. Thrifted clothes and a shitty attitude, misunderstood by the world, pushed aside by everyone because he never bites his tongue. Dark circles under his eyes because he too can’t sleep at night, because the nightmares always, always come back. And he keeps his shaking hands in his pockets, holding his head up high and refusing everyone’s pity. 

He, a stranger at that time, could recognize the telltale signs of you dissociating mid-party, and he took you outside and held you tight when you cried because you were overwhelmed. He gave you his hoodie and walked you home, choosing the streets that were most brightly lit so you wouldn’t be scared of the dark. And when you hide your wrists he chuckles and says If you show me yours, I’ll show you mine and rolls up his sleeves to show off his tattoos covering old scars. Thin familiar lines you can trace with your fingers.

And before you got inside your tiny apartment after thanking him and wishing him goodnight, he lingered a few moments longer, whispering a single It’ll be alright before disappearing. Back then you thought you’d never meet this stranger again, so you clutched his hoodie tight and allowed yourself a happy dream that night.

Three times 'cause I've waited my whole life

One fateful day when the bell of the cafe rang, you looked up to the door, just about to end your shift, and it was the sight of a familiar blonde spiky hair that froze you and made your heart leap. Because when he smiled at you, hands still in his pockets, sauntering over to the register, your mind was for the first time in months absolutely clear. 

And he ordered his coffee to go and waited for you outside, talking to you like it was yesterday when he walked you home late into the night. And just like that, he reentered your life and nestled himself deep into your routine, into your heart, making each day just a little better than the one before. 

When the world was pushing you down, he’d wrap his hands around you and push back with you, never letting you cave and fold under the pressure. He’d be there for you. He’d hold your hand until it stopped shaking, and he’d kiss your tears away until his feather-light touches would tickle you and you would laugh again. 

When he’d get sick you’d take care of him, hot mugs of tea and homemade chicken soup, no peas because he hates them. You’d hold his hand and read him books until his fever comes down with gentle forehead kisses and quiet whispers of I’m not going to get sick, let me take care of you. And when he’s angry you would calm him, soothe his pain with hugs and kisses until he isn’t boiling anymore. You know he wouldn’t burn you, not ever. Like a fire that reduces even the densest of forests to ash, spreading fast and consuming all into his blaze—into his pain and anger—he only stops when he is met with your rain, dousing his flames.  

He planted flowers in pots, hung them on your walls, and promised to remind you to water them. Always made you a meal when you were too worn down to do so yourself. And he was okay sleeping with the lights on at night when the darkness felt like too much for you to handle. He stood up for you and stayed up late at night to cram for exams with you; carried you to bed when you would fall asleep on the little dining table. He’d set ten alarms making sure you woke up on time and made it to the exam hall in one piece. And he’d celebrate after each exam with a cake he made himself. 

Since you met him, your chest didn’t feel as tight. Because the burdens you had to carry you no longer shouldered by yourself. Because you had someone who understood and had your back. 

Because he was the one you wanted and have been waiting for your whole life. 

Oh, you're the one I want

And he was there when you graduated and took a bunch of pictures of you in a pretty navy dress holding your diploma and smiling brighter than the sun. He bragged to all his friends about how far you’ve come and the new job you found and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. 

And the first step was moving in with you. Finding a new place you would call your own and filling it with colors and picture frames that reminded you of how you met. Kiss good morning, kiss goodnight, never ever a kiss goodbye. For better or worse, in health and in sickness—you were poor but rich with love. 

And when the final boxes of his things were empty and his toothbrush was next to yours, his clothes folded in the drawer opposite of yours, his slippers kicked aside while yours were neatly placed by the door… you knew you were where you were supposed to be. With the person who was meant to be with you. The person who understood and accepted your pain and loved you for who you are. Scars, trauma, sleepy smiles and all. Just unconditional love.

You sit by the window that night, marvelling in the knowledge that you live together now, sipping beers straight from the bottles and just looking at the city lights outside. He fiddles with his beer and peels the label off, folding it into a little paper ring, smiling to himself as he sets his beer aside and takes your hand in his. 

Slipping the little paper ring onto your ring finger, he looks like the happiest man alive.

“One day I’ll save up get you a real one and ask you to marry me.” He looks into your eyes, hoping you would like that idea. In his mind your future together is playing like a movie, bright and full of color and laughter, so he’s taken by surprise when you suddenly kiss him and hide your face into the crook of his neck, barely whispering the words: “Dummy… I’d marry you with paper rings.”

𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐂𝐋𝐀𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐑! I do not own any of the characters or people mentioned in my work. these are works of pure fiction that do not reflect the views, opinions, or actions of any person, real or fictional. Furthermore, all characters I write for [thirsts, drabbles, fics, etc.] are aged up to 21 or older – they are adults with adult characteristics presented and written in adult contexts.

all rights reserved © by maliciouslove. my work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License. all fanfics belong to me, please do not copy, translate nor repost the fics or files seen above as this is strictly prohibited.

[givesupp]

The Ones Who Live (episode 4 spoilers)

My head feels like it's going to implode in on me and I just need to vomit my thoughts somewhere before it does. I remember hearing about the The Walking Dead (literally everyone and their mother was talking about it). I remember never wanting to watch it because it was SO popular and I've never been a huge fan of watching anything while it was still going live and everyone was into it. I'm weird IDK.

I had just finished up another TV series and was feeling empty, as one usually does and just wanted to dive into a new series. I chose The Walking Dead, finally deciding to give it a chance. I binged the first 4 seasons on Netflix and as I was doing this, it was literally becoming life saving. Only a few short years prior to starting the series I had just started dealing with severe depression. It was crippling. IYKYK. And to make a long story short, falling in love with this show, falling in love with Rick Grimes gave me something to hold on to.

'It's just a show' - this has been said to me many times. But it's not just a show to me. It's a lifeline. Its taking an inspiring moment and grabbing it with the only strength you have left and burning it into your head because if they can do it you can do it. You'll think about it the next time you feel like you can't get out of bed because there just isn't a point. It's taking a character and watching him fight for his sons life while everyone around belittles his character as a father and leader and using that the next time you feel like your chest is about to cave in from the sheer force of anxiety that just hit you like a mack truck. And you think about this character persevering while you sit in the corner of your bathroom floor with a cold rag on your face just simply trying to breathe.

So many examples, so many moments TWD has breathed life back into me when nothing else could.

And then Richonne.

RICHONNE.

Oh my god, what a fucking absolute treasure to emerge from this series. The slowburn of it, the showcasing of patience and friendship, love and trust and overcoming loss and hardships - together.

Finding your person. Camaraderie. True, real love. A soulmate. This? Despite loss, death at the hands of others, death at the hands of your own, tragedy, hopelessness, mental illness, losing your child? I can't even find words to express what Rick and Michonne mean to me separately, but as a couple? I am unable to express in words because it just would not do justice to what they actually represent to me in my own personal life.

Nearly a month ago we were given The Ones Who Live episode 1. And I remember watching that and having to physically remove myself from my home, go outside, sit down on the ground and reflect while sun soaking near a river. That's how blown away I was over the writing, the story, the emotions centered around this character that I have watched and grown to love over years.

Episode 4? EPISODE 4 is a fucking WELLSPRING of emotions, struggle with mental wellness, disagreement, unconditional love, immense hurt, understanding and patience. A relationship struggling to be what it was, if not anything at all. A broken man and a broken woman. A son, who has DIED years ago still finding a way to be the one who brings his parents back together. Who brings strength to his dad even after all this time...

Carl placed in the palm of his fathers hand as a sketch on a broken phone breathing life back into him. This, from his wife. Finding a way to save him. Giving him a sense of purpose, meaning back to him after he declared his own death not that long ago because he could not and does not ever want to live without her.

You cannot tell me that this show isn't important.

That it isn't life saving.

That it isn't at the very least forcing us to reflect and discuss and acknowledge our own lives, our own relationships, our own mental health, our own circumstances, our -

No.

This isn't just a show to me.

Thanks for reading my vomit novel.

[bikenesmith]

Despite [Xavier's] previous insistence that he is only whole when able-bodied, he comes to terms very quickly with his return to disability: “My back is shattered, a parting gift from the Shadow King… It appears… if I am ever to achieve my dream… I will need all of you�� to walk me there” (Nicieza 23). In the span of a single panel, Xavier acknowledges that he is once again disabled, accepts it, and asks his teammates for help. Due to his previous elation at becoming able-bodied, one would think he would require more time to adjust, to shift his identity once more from “able-bodied” to “differently-abled.” The ease in which Professor X resumes his disabled identity lends itself to the notion that being able-bodied, not disabled, is a plot device. He takes more time to adjust to using his legs than he does to losing them, a pattern generally reversed when other characters become disabled. This smooth transition back to disability implies that his truest identity is as a disabled man.

(emphasis mine) was reading crippled crusaders: disability representation in the superhero genre by cassandra m. nicol a few days ago and was struck by this bit....the idea that charles' "true" self is a disabled self is really interesting. (edited) crosspost from twitter:

the dominant, most objective read is that charles becomes abled, is disabled, + becomes abled again ad nauseam. yet those narrative tendencies have inadvertently created a reading where charles' disability is, functionally, a chronic illness that flares due to outward stimuli.

whether charles' paraplegia is due to physical injury or a brain/psychosomatic/astral issue isn't clear, having been complicated over the years by all the different ways the text has chosen to able + re-disable him.

what makes the most sense to me is leaning into that ambiguity. its both — either mental or physical injury/ailment can cause him disablement. and the back + forth of charles' paraplegia signifies he's uniquely in danger of that specific disablement — paraplegia/spine issues. and those issues happen ALL the time in real-life non-psychic people who experience (non-psychic….i presume) brain damage. the brain + the spine, the central nervous system, they're basically extensions of each other, and are some of the most important parts of your body.

so you can extrapolate that charles has a particularly "weak" spine, and it's likely to give out if he experiences intense physical or psionic injury. and as an x-man, he risks that often.

i also think the "ease" with which he moves from ability one state to another that nicol mentions is important to this. to be clear: we have seen charles agonize over his disability, and especially losing his ability. it's undeniable that it impacts him emotionally. but charles doesn't go through the intense "grieving" process a lot of newly disabled ppl do — the kind he went through himself when he was recovering from his first spinal injury. as nicol points out:

In Xavier’s next appearance two issues later, he is seated in a golden wheelchair and seems insistent that his disability not hinder his participation in X-Men adventures. Instead he emphasizes his usefulness with his telepathic powers, declaring, “I too shall be coming. Though I am crippled once again, my particular talents may be needed there” (Portacio and Byrne 6). His disabled status is stressed through a visual weight of the word “crippled,” both bolded and italicized in the comic panel, similar to how “whole” was stressed when he became able-bodied in 1983. But here, “crippled” is not laden with judgment. It is merely an acknowledgement of Xavier’s condition. This smooth transition back to disability in some ways rectifies his description of “able-bodied” as “whole,” as Charles insists that even paraplegic once more, he is still more than capable of being an X-Man, and he is still the most powerful mutant in the world. Regardless of the state of his physical body, Charles knows that his disability need not impose limitations on his actions; he harnesses his role as leader of the X-Men and his disability is, effectively, relegated to background information.

of course this is in part bc he'd already been paraplegic for years, but you can also see it as him just being ready for it. seeing it as an eventuality, a familiar state that he will return to throughout his life. a chronic disability that exists whether or not he can walk.

There is one more major instance in which Professor X becomes able-bodied. In 2002, a mutant named Xorn restores Xavier’s ability to walk (Morrison, “All Hell” 32). This is the most short-lived instance of Xavier being able-bodied. Only a year later, Xorn is revealed to be Magneto in disguise, one of Professor X’s oldest enemies; Xorn removes the nano-sentinels that had been holding Xavier’s spine together, crippling him again (Morrison, “Planet X” 19). Later, once freed from captivity, Xavier reappears in a chair with alien-like legs, giving him autonomous movement (Morrison, “Phoenix Invictus” 27). This time, he makes no mention of his return to paraplegia. He is in full command of the X-Men, and has again made a smooth identity transition from “able-bodied” to “differently-abled.” The fact that this occurs once more stresses that to be disabled is part of Charles Xavier’s truest identity, and that being able-bodied is a temporary plot point rather than a character trait.

and that raises the question…what does this mean in the krakoa age? does a newly grown body come without that disability? or is it a "symptom" of his mutation? is it imprinted in his mind-soul-whatever you want to call what part of a person cerebro catalogues?

throughout all of krakoa era, there's never been any mention of what charles feels about making his bodies ambulatory. the closest thing we have is the knowledge that he brought his own wheelchairs with him to krakoa which is a solid point in that theory's direction at least.

(interjection from a subsequent thread:

keep thinking abt the fact that charles brought his chairs with him to krakoa…in this place allegedly free of death or sickness he still prepares for his needs to change, as if its an immutable part of him that can resist miracle drugs + literal resurrection.

its so quintessentially x-men that we only get that interesting insight in the backdrop of an ableist story beat where a character is punished and humiliated by…. being dis-abled.

i'm still floored by how incompetent and tactless that whole thing was but that was the same book that gave us hits like kitty's "viking funeral", emma flashing men to distract them instead of using her, you know, telepathy, emma worrying about eating carbs, + other such bullshit. but i'm still surprised it went so under-discussed in x-comics fandom)

via xuân's resurrection, we know that its possible to request your physical disability be preserved when you're resurrected. so this must have been an active choice of his.

i don't think it's odd at all that charles would choose to walk considering his past feelings about it i just wish the text contended with that like at all 😭 but getting into charles' feelings abt his disability is a long ass post for another day.

(i accessed this paper on proquest here via my alma mater. if you would like to read it yourself but are not connected to an institution or library that has access, dm me and i'll send you the pdf!)

addendum: examples of charles’ disability as neurological illness and/or chronic illness

[system-of-a-feather]

I honestly feel a lot of the time that it isn't "safe" or welcome to talk about how crippling my maladaptive hyper-working hyper-functioning "can't stop working" issues are in a lot of trauma / psychological disabled spaces because - either passively or directly in past experiences - people tend to really romanticize, "wish they had that issue" or told me "that sounds nice" and to some level, I have internalized that if I complain or express stress / distress around it, that I'm whining and having "first world disabled peoples issues" (which I know is not true, but it does keep me from talking about it as honestly and truthfully as I'd like to)

But honestly, today is one of those days that I really really can clearly see that even with that mentality around my struggles with this all, it really really is a disordered and pathological thing.

Like I spent an hour compulsively job searched despite knowing that I really didn't need to and probably shouldn't; then managed to - with all my effort - redirect to something more functional ie an hour and half of job searching for my fiance instead. I then spent an hour dissociating in a poor attempt to change activities and do something that isn't working; half an hour doing work videos; ate dinner, then another half hour of dissociating in a poor attempt to do something other than working; gave up on that and finally had enough brain power to go to my fiance and ask for help / supervision relaxing to keep me from Not Working and not just sitting there dissociating

And then spent three and a half hours drawing chibi versions of my characters in prep for Art Fight (which is honestly soothing even if it sounds like work) and passively watching TV.

And only THEN did I have the energy and ability to actually write a like 50 word post to the story that is a >special interest< of mine.

I essentially failed at functioning for at least four hours when I was actively trying to get myself to self care, gave up because I acknowledged my mental illness limits, and had to have four hours of supervised care to make sure I actually could take care of myself.

I only NOW felt regulated enough to go to be by myself and NOT supervised and that was a whole like 7 hour mess.

[sparkling-pink-lemonade]

Got an ignorant hate comment. Felt it deserved it's own post. It's a long one, and technically isn't doing anything productive as I blocked the person. I just like yelling into the void. Mind the tags.

1) You're funny. I'm agnostic, and wasn't even raised christian. It's like an atheist saying "Oh my god" (this can't be real/that's ridiculous) or "God save me" (I'm doomed). "My brother in Christ", what would normally be a term of endearment and familiarity in a christian setting becomes very condescending and 'holier than thou' if said to any non christian (not just jews). Because of that, outside of a christian setting, it's now a term of sarcasm and mockery to point out someone's stupidity and ignorance. So the fact you jumped into a defensive standpoint, calling someone you know nothing about antisemitic over a post that wasn't even directed at you, tells me a lot more about your insecurities.

2) Yes, you're right! It is perfectly reasonable to not WANT people with an involuntary attraction to real life children to INTERACT with your work. But let me lay out a few things. Stop using that word, it does not mean what you think it means. Being attracted to fictional characters depicted as kids in a form of media that is (at least in a non indie setting) designed, and written by a team of adults, fudging up the looks and behaviors of their characters compared to reality to be more appealing to a wide demographic, is not pedophilia. Pedophilia is a mental disorder, where an attraction to children who can't consent is causing direct harm to yourself or those around you in your day to day life. This usually presents itself as crippling distress for the person with the disorder due to their intrusive thoughts, and fear of losing your friends and family should they find out about your disorder. By calling an attraction to fictional character depicted as children "pedophilia" you are doing what's called pedojacketing. Which is a false accusation against someone in attempt to rally others by appealing to their disgust to ruin the life of another person. It causes major harm by both trivializing a serious and often debilitating mental illness into a "voluntary perversion", while also trivializing the seriousness of child predator allegations by equating the sexual abuse of real, breathing children, to that of fictional story that never happened. Most predators aren't even pedophiles, they are attracted to the power imbalance and control, not the kid itself. But that's not what proship is, it's an ideology that people should be allowed to have their own space to enjoy whatever fiction they want without harassment or censorship. And guess what, that doesn't mean we aren't entitled to your space. If our ideology makes you uncomfortable, it's your right to block us and keep us from interacting with your art.

But get this, consuming and interacting are two completely different things. Consuming means you've looked at a piece of art, you watched a video, read a piece of literature, or played a video game. The moment you post something to the public, and not somewhere with restricted access, you forfeit all right to decide who can consume your media. AO3 is a public website, even if you choose the lovely option of only showing your work to people who are logged in (which anyone can get an account), you can't then decide who is allowed to view your work. When you post media publicly, it is impossible to discern every single person who has consumed your work. At best a site may have a "views" counter, or in AO3's case, hits, but it will always remain anonymous. As such, if you don't like the idea of a proshipper consuming your work, congrats, you will never have to know.

Interacting however means that you've consumed a piece of media, and are now making a public display about your consumption where the creator can see it, that individualizes them from the rest of the crowd. A comment, a post, if the media has a non-anonymous "like" function, or non-anonymous subscription/follow function. Most people are sane, and don't go out of their way to do background checks on every single person that interacted with their work. But if it comes to your attention that someone who makes your uncomfortable is interacting with your work where you can see it, then you have the tools to make it so you'll never be able to see or hear from them again. They will still be able to consume your public work, but now you've curated your personal experience.

But if you're so paranoid and disgusted by the idea that someone you find icky or gross might be able to consume your content without your consent, then you have to take responsibility for your own experiencing it and revoke your consent from the wider public by removing your content from a public platform.

This person was deluding themself into believing that consumption was the same thing as interaction and that the existence of a dni means it was the public's responsibility to regulate their online experience for them, and was getting upset at the realization that they can't regulate a public space the same way as a private one, and that people they don't like will be able to see their public work even if they will never know about it.

[modgod200]

I've been pondering on what about comedies revolving around social anxiety like Bocchi the Rock and Komi Can’t Communicate makes them so beloved when they could have easily been interpreted as ableist mocking of people with crippling disabilities. I think the main difference is that while shows like this do get their humor from the fears inherent in these disabilities, its far more sympathetic and good-natured compared to others. Like with The Big Bang Theory, Sheldon clearly has some very autistic and OCD traits that are treated by the characters and narrative as annoying, bizarre, and infuriating to deal with. While when Bocchi has a full-on panic attack the joke is focused less on her herself but what she THINKS she is doing wrong, which while largely exaggerated for humorous effect is still portrayed in such a way that it is really relatable to people who have an anxiety disorder from what I have been hearing (or to people with OCD, from my own personal experiences with the disorder). The joke is her overactive imagination and her hilariously simplistic facial expressions, not “this mentally ill girl is such a weirdo”. The narrative also treats her as someone who is worthy of love and is obviously rooting for her to succeed, but her own head convinces her that she is doing far worse than she actually is. Everyone around her never loses their patience with her or calls her a creepy weirdo, they are just really concerned because their friend just fell over and started convulsing into different art styles at the mention of doing something social. They just met her and they already love her despite her disorder. Its a FAR less viscous type of schadenfreude then something like Watamote where absolutely nothing goes right in her life.

[rizaposting]

i would also love to know more about your 03 project that i have seen you mention a couple times 👀 Is it something you are drawing or writing¿

Ahh! Man I wish I had more to show for it, but I've basically been thinking about it non-stop for the past several months. I wanted to get it started this year for the 20th anniversary but the latter half of 2023 was chaotic because I moved. o|-<

It's nothing too groundbreaking, just my attempt at reconciling what happened between the end of the anime to Roy deciding he was going to go be emo in the mountains, address what little we saw of them in CoS and how I think they would reconcile, and then also explore what their life together would look like afterwards...

I think it's going to be 3 multi-chapter pieces of writing with supplemental art. It's mostly Riza-focused (because she is my little el wiwi) but I also want to give Roy a fair shake and address the Crippling Mental Illness they both have refused to acknowledge. There will be plenty of angst and me putting Riza through Situations and making her the most miserable she's ever been in her whole life, but it's to highlight her character growth and experiences, and there will be a happy ending. Because I think making them struggle and suffer for nothing goes against FMA's themes, and I'm a sap and want Riza to get all the kisses in the world because she deserves them.

I don't have very much to show for it, but here's a half-finished WIP from way earlier in the year about Roy not wanting Riza to see his wounds

[artsyaech]

going into next year, remember to keep fighting for disability and mental health rights!

[PT: going into next year, remember to keep fighting for disability and mental health rights!]

remember to:

put image IDs and plain-text on posts

tag eyestrain and flash warnings (DO NOT use #epilepsy, that puts epileptic people in more danger)

remember to tag potential triggers! (very important, i hate it when posts include my triggers and don't tag it)

remember that hyperfixating on / having a special interest in a problematic thing does NOT mean you're a bad person, as long as you acknowledge the problems with it. also, i can't believe this isn't talked about more, but a hatred for a thing can also turn into a hyperfixation / special interest! example: i had a hyperfixation on harry potter in a way that i absorbed criticisms of it and knew everything about it, but only because i wanted to be able to articulate how much i hate it and why. hyperfixation / special interest in something does not mean you like it / endorse it! (rant over)

PLEASE stop clogging up disability tags with fanfiction. yes, it's good that you're representing disabilities, but instead try tagging it with #disabled character or #disabled reader or something of the sort.

something i wanna leave in 2023, but unfortunately don't think will be going away soon is ableist / saneist slang or slang that makes light of disabilities / mental health. examples of this include: "delulu", "letting the intrusive thoughts win", "psycho", "schizo" (when referring to something that has nothing to do with schizophrenia), "bipolar" (when referring to something that has nothing to do with bipolar disorder), "sociopath", "psychopath", "narcissist" + MANY more

please stop infantilizing autistic people. i'm so tired of being treated like a baby.

c-punk is NOT an aesthetic and it is exclusively for physically disabled people. and if you're not physically disabled, call it c-punk.

uplift disabled and mentally ill voices.

below is a list of disabled creators you can support!

@my-autism-adhd-blog. summer (she/they) talks about their life as an autistic individual who has ADHD. super cool blog!

@cripplecharacters. a group of mods help answer questions about writing disabled characters. learned a lot from them.

@mogai-transcriber. (nameless) (she/he/it) describes mogai posts.

@accessmogai. reign (she/her) is a great mogai transcriber too. high quality IDs for all

@cpunkwitch. super cool witchy blog. cassandra (it/he/her/neos/none) is super cool and it's nice to hear a disabled voice in the pagan community.

@crippledpunks. cool positivity blog that talks about disability and educates on cpunk

@accessfashion. multiple mods add image descriptions to outfits. super epic stuff.

@cane-you-dig-it. disability and cpunk stuff. also just a super cool and talented individual.

@autistic-af. i wish she was my aunt, she's super sweet and her cat posts always make my day!

@crippled-peeper. relatable posts tbh.

@crippled-dinosaur. dino (it/he) talks about physical disabilities and cpunk

+ many more! feel free to add to this list

[tales-from-nocturnaliss]

There is a real difficulty to portraying mental illness in a story.

The difficulty being: how much is too much?

Generally speaking, I'd say that if you get tired of portraying it, then it's becoming too much.

But what do you do if the character is still in the middle of an episode of, say, derealization? I've experienced that in the past and know you don't just snap out of it. So what do you do, then?

I feel like I'm taking a risk with making the first chapter of Fates so much about Shary's mental illness/disorder (which is not 100% defined; it's a contemporary story but with a supernatural element that affects protagonists to some degree, so I decided to portray symptoms, not a specific disease/pathology). Like, most of that chapter is about that - and about how her sister handles her. Both of which are important elements for things to come.

I also feel the risk is worth it, because Fates is a sort of tribute to my life and a comment on some things I experienced.

Like, if a reader gets tired of reading about Shary in chapter 0 because of her being so annoying being mentally ill? Yeah. Yeah. EXACTLY. That is how everyone who suffers from mental illness feels:

being tired of having to live with themselves and their issues.

Welcome to the life of crippling anxiety, bitches. That was my life growing up, for decades. You don't like it? Imagine how I felt - and how everyone who suffers from it feels.

[unexpectedbrickattack]

hi again 👋👋👋 anyway i would LOVE to hear any thoughts you might have about fake pep and his interactions with other characters if you're amenable to that! i love him and there is So Much going on there and you always have stellar hcs so id love to hear them!!

Ive been shying away from drawing/writing anything with fake peppino bc frankly ur right; there IS so much going on with him 😭 so much so that it almost feels impossible to settle on something concrete 😭 This is also bc I link Fake Peppi and Pizzahead together, which means I also have to work on characterizing that punk 😭😭😭 But I will still try to get my thoughts out

(OKAY THIS IS REM FROM THE FUTURE OR PAST OR SOMETHING AND IM HERE TO SAY THAT I RAMBLED SO FUCKING LONG THAT I DIDNT EVEN GET TO THE ACTUAL ASK OF THIS FUCKING ASK!!! I JUST TALKED ABOUT FAKE PEPPI AND DIDNT WRITE A SINGLE INTERACTION. SO UM. THIS ASK IS NOW ABOUT FAKE PEPPI AND ONLY FAKE PEPPI IM SO SORRY 😭😭😭😭😭 ILL GO MORE IN DEPTH W DYNAMICS N SUCH SOME DAY BUT NOT TODAY)

Fake Peppino is Not the first clone; hes one of the Last ones Pizzahead worked on. The ones you see in the war level are the closest, appearance wise, to Peppino, but they arent the brightest and will often behave like [insert test subject] but with Peppinos face on it. The emphasis on appearance first resulted in some physically identical, but otherwise, dull witted clones.

Fake Peppi was the first attempt at replicating Peppinos actual personality over appearance and it works moderately well, its just that. Hes a little funky lookin. Which is okay! Its the first attempt !! He’ll get more time to try again! They give Fake Peppi a little run down shop to manage (that he almost immediately converts into a pizzeria) while they work on perfecting the clones. But then Peppino actually storms the tower after being threatened w the Pizzeria Begone Beam, and hes tearing through portals so quickly that Pizzahead literally has No Time to try and work on these new clones. Fake Peppi is the First of this new experimental line of clones, and hes one of the Last. (Said bc i do intend on making my own little peppi clone someday heehee)

Fake Peppi passes as a pretty Normal creature. Hes a bit Tall but not absurdly above average. I drew him pretty goopy and lanky on my first (and only ) attempt at drawing him, but the more i think about it, the more I want him to just be a taller, slightly offputting Peppino. I like the idea someone had of Fake Peppi mimicking the stylized, cartoonish logo design of the pizzeria, so hes got a bit of a doofy lookin face. Its very round, with soft looking eyes and permanent blush on his cheeks. When hes trying to look Less Scary (bc he is a bit aware now that hes a little Off), you can see his mouth on his face like a Normal person. When hes relaxed and/or unfocused, it kind of just. Disappears. It makes his face look kind of like a little butt or a peach heehee

Fake Peppi acts pretty similarly to Real Peppino. Hes quick to anger, and quick to frighten. Hes a bit of a goof and he likes to entertain (which completely threw pizzahead off; hes like thats. Not right? Is it??). He has more or less the same mental capacity as Peppino, shares similar skills and hobbies, and enjoys the same kinds of food that Peppino does (with mild variation). Hes very relaxed and easygoing with a tendency to act a fool and be a little playful, which leads Pizzahead to believe that despite what hes personally seen (from stalking this poor man), Peppino is Also inherently a bit of a fool and a little playful and also capable of being relaxed and easygoing.

Fake Peppi is prone to the same kind of anxiety and panic attacks that Peppino has, only he does not have decades of experience with them to know how to manage it. So the time he spends with Pizzahead is Not the smoothest. The combination of Just Being Created and having Crippling Panic Attacks leaves him with an almost Blank Slate, memory wise, by the time hes left with the pizzeria. When Pizzahead visits Fake Peppi again to give him the lift key; hes basically a stranger to him :0

(Peppino tries to help with some grounding techniques for panic attacks, but since they Both default to self soothing stims, hes not that much help 😭)

Conversations are as smooth as they can be with his garbled speech; he can understand what hes being told, and he will write down what he Wants to say with pen and paper. Eventually, he ‘upgrades’ to a phone with proper text to speech, so he uses that quite often. I know the backwards speech is canon (or at the very least extremely popular) but its very hard for me to read and parse in my head, so i am deciding against that 😭

Hes hard to understand bc despite having a similar vocal pitch to Peppino (a bit high), it rubberbands in a way that makes it sound incredibly croakey and scratchy. The more excitable he is, the more incoherent he becomes. With (immense) effort, he can speak clearly, but its almost as difficult as someone trying to suppress their stutter; hes much more comfortable using his phone to talk. I can see him learning sign language at some point; Peppino does Not know sign language but he IS capable of learning, which means Fake Peppi is Also capable of learning.

Overall Fake Peppi is Peppino with enough variance to give him his own personality. Some of the things he does shines a bit of a light on Peppinos personality; its like, if Peppino DIDNT have to struggle with a failing business and crippling debt and being drafted into a fucking war, what kind of Peppino would you get? And as a surprise to Pizzahead, its a relatively sweet and goofy guy!! And if he took the time to interact with the Real Peppino instead of an idealized version of him (like pepperman and vigilante have started doing) then he would see that. Oh well.