#I might do an epilogue type thing about the aftermath

[dreamingblacktabby]

Thistlestar's Reign(part 4)

Leader: Thistlestar - Gray patched tom with yellow eyes

Deputy: Whitestorm - Big white tom with yellow eyes

Apprentice: Brightpaw

Healers: Spottedleaf - Pretty dappled tortoiseshell she-cat with amber eyes

Apprentice: Cinderpelt

Fireheart - Small ginger tom with green eyes

Warriors: Patchpelt - Black and white tom with amber eyes

Lionheart - Big golden tom with green eyes

Darkstripe - Dark tabby tom with amber eyes

Apprentice: Brackenpaw

Frostfur - Pretty white she-cat with blue eyes

Brindleface - Pretty dappled gray she-cat with green eyes

Runningfoot - Lithe brown tabby tom with green eyes

Mousefur - Small brown tabby she-cat with amber eyes

Apprentice: Thornpaw

Longtail - Pale tabby tom with black tabby stripes and an elegant long tail

Dustpelt - Dark brown tabby tom with amber eyes

Apprentice: Ashpaw

Sandstorm - Pale ginger tabby she-cat with green eyes

Apprentice: Fernpaw

Swiftfoot - Black and white tom with amber eyes

Apprentices: Cinderpelt - Gray she-cat with heterochromia

Brightpaw - Ginger and white she-cat with blue eyes

Brackenpaw - Brown tabby tom with amber eyes

Thornpaw - Light brown tabby tom with blue eyes

Fernpaw - Pretty dappled gray she-cat with green eyes

Ashpaw - Pretty dappled tom with dark blue eyes

Queens: Willowpelt - Diluted tortoiseshell she-cat with unusual blue eyes

Kits: Expecting

Nurses: Speckletail - Golden tortoiseshell she-cat with amber eyes

Kits: Snowkit and Mistlekit

Goldenflower - Big golden queen with green eyes

Kits: Bramblekit and Tawnykit

Elders: Smallear - Small gray tom with folded ears and amber eyes

Sparrowpelt - Skinny tabby tom with amber eyes and part of his tail missing

Pale-eye - Pale gray tabby she-cat with a green eye and a scarred face

Robinwing - Small brown she-cat with a distinctive ginger chest

Dappletail - Pretty tortoiseshell she-cat with amber eyes

Fireheart promises to tell Robinwing about this

Dewpetal then reveals she’s pregnant and has a mate, Runningbrook(with a surrogate)

At the Moonstone, Spottedleaf makes Fireheart a full healer so she can take Cinderpaw on as an apprentice and names her Cinderpelt

Fireheart sees Bluefur in StarClan and she tells him not to give up hope for there is “a fire in his heart that will burn away the darkness plaguing ThunderClan”

Upon returning to camp, Fireheart goes straight to Thistlestar and tells him that he’d had a vision that the leader would destroy ThunderClan

Thistlestar does not appreciate the warning and sends Fireheart away, telling him he might be a healer but he carries kitty-pet blood

Fireheart returns to the healers den and asks Spottedleaf if poisoning Thistlestar would be so wrong

Spottedleaf sways him away from the idea because he might get executed for it if he fails

Soon a couple ShadowClan cats show up on ThunderClan territory, begging for medicine to help them with a disease wracking ShadowClan

Thistlestar kills Whitethroat and tells Littlecloud to deliver a message to Nightstar that they will get no help from ThunderClan

Fireheart and Sandstorm help Littlecloud carry Whitethroat’s body to the border and Fireheart gives Littlecloud some herbs anyway, telling him he will leave some more the next day as well

Littlecloud thanks him profusely before attempting to drag Whitethroat’s body back to camp

Sandstorm warns Fireheart that he’ll get in trouble to which Fireheart tells her he is done with Thistlestar’s cruelty and will be helping cats who have been wronged by him

Fireheart notices Thistlestar taking an interest in Goldenflower’s kits who are revealed to be Tigerclaw’s

Fireheart can’t help but feel guilty knowing its partially his fault the two will grow up without a father

The three healers prepare to leave for the Moonstone when Thistlestar calls them to his den

He tells them this will be the last half moon gathering they will be attending as he plans on closing the borders and focussing on only ThunderClan

All three healers protest against this but Thistlestar dismisses them, telling them to pass along the message ThunderClan will no longer got attending any gatherings

On the way to Mothermouth, Cinderpelt asks if Thistlestar is actually allowed to block them from attending half-moon gatherings

Spottedleaf tells him he shouldn’t be allowed to do it but that won’t stop him from punishing them for disobeying his orders

When they meet up with the other healers, Runningnose reveals the sickness was a bit worse than they’d expected and they were leaderless again, Runningnose himself acting as the sole leader

Littlecloud is revealed to be training under him though and he thanks Fireheart for his help as the herbs he gave them helped save several cats

Spottedleaf tells the other healers about Thistlestar’s orders

When they all go to commune with StarClan, Silverpelt warns Fireheart that ThunderClan is not the only clan being threatened now

The next day Thistlestar calls a meeting and reveals he plans on wiping out ShadowClan much to everyones shock

Thistlestar reveals that ShadowClan is weak and they’ve always been a thorn in ThunderClan’s pelt, so he’s decided they will just remove the throw permanently

Fireheart protests against this, stating StarClan will punish them if Thistlestar goes through with his plan

Thistlestar attacks Fireheart and warns him to know his place

Whitestorm manages to stop Thistlestar from doing any lasting damage to Fireheart, warning his father they’ll need all their healers soon

Fireheart turns on Whitestorm once Thistlestar is gone and is furious that Whitestorm is taking Thistlestar’s side

Whitestorm explains he doesn’t want to wipe out ShadowClan but also doesn’t want to see his father kill anyone else from ThunderClan

Fireheart asks Whitestorm to join his rebellion against Thistlestar which catches Whitestorm completely off guard

Fireheart explains the plan is to eventually take Thistlestar down, but for now they are simply going against the leader’s orders if they deem it cruel or excessive

Whitestorm agrees to join the rebellion as retribution for his aunt and son(Bluefur and Graystripe respectively)

Fireheart also explains the visions he’d been having about Thistlestar

A couple days later Thistlestar calls a meeting and asks Whitestorm if he has gathered up the cats to wipe out ShadowClan

Whitestorm reveals he has not because they won’t be wiping out ShadowClan

Thistlestar is infuriated and demands to know why Whitestorm disobeyed his orders

Whitestorm reveals Fireheart’s visions and refuses to endanger ThunderClan for the sake of glory

Most of the clan sways to Whitestorm’s side after hearing this, much to Thistlestar’s anger

Thistlestar warns everyone that disobeying the leader’s word is going against the warrior code and ThunderClan will be punished either way

Fireheart worries about what Thistlestar will do

That night the forest catches fire and the clan awakens to a camp full of smoke

Whitestorm orders for the clan to evacuate to Sunning rocks but Thistlestar blocks the camp entrance telling everyone that the fire was sent to punish them all and they shall wait to see if StarClan will let them live for their disloyalty

Fireheart attacks Thistlestar and orders everyone to escape

Whitestorm helps hold off Thistlestar until the rest of camp has escaped, leaving the three cats the only ones remaining left behind

A burning tree falls and blocks the camp entrance trapping the three in camp 

Thistlestar accuses them of disloyalty and Fireheart yells at Thistlestar for ignoring all of the warnings he had received about how Thistlestar was destroying ThunderClan

Whitestorm points out that Thistlestar had almost trapped all of ThunderClan in camp where they surely would have perished

Thistlestar seems to snap to his senses and realize what he almost did

Whitestorm uses the distraction to grab Fireheart and flee

They manage to find a small opening in the flames getting only a little singed in the process

They make it to Sunning rocks where cats are already crossing the river to escape the flames

RiverClan arrives to help and they agree to shelter ThunderClan until the fire is out

Despite his injuries, Fireheart sits beside the river, waiting to see Thistlestar but he never arrives, leading Fireheart to suspect Thistlestar didn’t make it

As the clan stays in RiverClan territory, Graystripe introduces his parents to their grand-kits as well as getting to meet his own younger siblings

Sandstorm frets over Fireheart and she reveals she was afraid she had lost him when he didn’t arrive at Sunning rocks right away

Fireheart realizes that Sandstorm likes him and reminds her that he’s a healer to which Sandstorm reveals she doesn’t care

Cinderpelt reminds Fireheart that she’s training to be a healer now so he can be a normal warrior if he wants

Fireheart wants to think about it but promises to greatly consider it

Fireheart notices the fire seems to have been properly put out by the rain and asks permission to check for Thistlestar’s body because he won’t be able to relax until he knows for sure what the leader’s fate is

Sandstorm is sent with him and they manage to find their way to camp where they find Thistlestar’s body under Highrock

Fireheart sees Bluefur’s ghost and she tells him that Thistlestar’s spirit has been taken care of and he will no longer be a threat to the clan

Fireheart and Sandstorm return to Whitestorm to deliver the news that he is the new leader of ThunderClan

[rottmnt-residuum]

In an ask you said that there won't be anything more severe than a lobotomy, but that doesn't mean there won't be anything worse, depending on what we consider worse I guess. But I'm still stuck at the lobotomy part and the effects of that. More like the emotional and mental part, since if I'm not mistaken it wasn't rare for patients to kinda lose... their empathy, or like feelings that they had for loved ones. I could be wrong but this thought just keeps bugging me.

Also will you explore the aftermath and healing part after their well, suffering ends? All the effects of what they've been through?

And... what do you exactly consider worse than a lobotomy? Like what type of thing could be worse in your opinion?

^^^ tags from a different ask.

While a decrease in empathy can happen- it's just one of the many symptoms of brain damage in general. Because what happens to Donnie, while technically a lobotomy, is basically just very deliberate brain damage. More in line with past lobotomies than current ones. It's very much not a targeted thing and more a, 'let's cause havoc til whatever we don't want to happen doesn't happen anymore!'

In Donnie's case, the area that is the most effected is the region of the brain responsible for speech and language. Of course the brain isn't really separated into sections that aggressively, so some other things will be effected, but that will be the most obvious difference. In fact, it's something you can already see happening if you paid attention in the ninpo space.

However, there are other things going on with Donnie, so be careful with what you identify as a symptom of brain damage.

Loss of empathy was never something we were going to go for, as it's very much... not something we enjoy? As well as something we see as very undermining of his established character. We don't really like the fandom interpretation of a low empathy Donnie, either. We see Donnie as very empathic, he just doesn't show it in a way that a lot of people would recognize. He's very much a fixer.

And while losing empathy could be interesting to explore, it very much conflicts with the themes of Residuum as a whole. So, not something y'all have to worry about ahaha

Aftermath wise... well, that's pretty far off. So my feelings might change, but I've never enjoyed healing narratives. Granted, it's just how other people handle them that I don't enjoy. So, I suppose yes, we would be exploring the consequences, but much of that is already planned in Residuum. Though, not really with a... comfort aspect. Anyway. If a healing arc does happen, it will either be an epilogue, its own comic, or something that co-author would do.

Also, can you really look at what I've done so far and honestly say that I'd be able to write comfort/fluff?

...Though, if y'all really wanted it, I guess I could try skskskskks

As for what I find worse than a lobotomy... In Residuum, the worst possible thing that could happen to someone, in my opinion, is demutation.

[delku]

i said what i said about not knowing what 430 will be about, and i still believe this. my speculative belief though is that it has to be about deku's fate.

as a hero, as a person, whatever - the fact that he's talked three people through their feelings in the aftermath of the battle but seldom spoken of his own feelings (at least, not in isolation), nor reacted to his circumstances in any measurable capacity (besides saying that he's completely at peace with no longer being a hero, which doesn't seem like the full truth) feels off. i joke about the baby pics thing but it kind of points to the likelihood of this.

the problem kind of comes up in how this is addressed. what brings him to talk about it? to whom is he talking? he's a hypocrite and self-destructive even after deku vs 1A, and it's not as if izuku midoriya: rising imparted any great lesson on him - besides that he's a killer, of course. these are exactly the type of feelings i'd anticipate his character to internalize as fiercely as possible, and that appears to be exactly what he's doing, unless he thinks talking about it benefits someone else (and even then, there's a veneer of not-quite truthfulness to it).

so, who would be able to get him to open up? my first thought is all might, of course, but he's already had a conversation with all might about this topic in the epilogue. i don't think it'd be bad to retread this territory since bakugo interrupted them, but i'm not sure i believe another one-on-one with them is the most likely scenario.

iida is my next guess. iida has proven to be one of his strongest, most stalwart allies and has been prodding him ever since deku vs 1A to quit being such a loner. i think of iida over bakugo because bakugo kind of already had a meltdown at the idea of deku being powerless and he doesn't seem all that suited to intense conversations at the moment.

it could be bakugo, because he's obviously quite close to deku now and hearing him out is a form of atonement (and just being a friend, lol). but i don't know how much i anticipate a solo conversation both for the reasons i stated in iida's blurb and for similar reasons as all might.

ochako is also difficult to anticipate a 1-on-1 conversation for, for the exact same reason as all might and bakugo.

it could also be his mom. it would be a wildcard, and would be a good excuse to pull the baby picture, but it's not like bakugo or todoroki needed that either.

hatsume is a potential option too, considering she'll probably be in charge of deku's gear for the forseeable future.

what i expect more than anything is a group confrontation. i don't want to guess which characters. it could be deku's friend group, it could be deku's guardians, it could be the entirety of class A, or it could be a mixture of these. it could just be everyone.

but i digress. the characters involved matter, but his reaction is more important. is the fact that he killed a man and has his memories going to be addressed literally in any way at all that would be so nice and cool

[bubblegummintie]

Here’s that masterpost I mentioned in my pinned post. It took awhile to fix some things but I'm going to be dividing stuff to make it clear what's original works, more canon works, and then a mix of both for a server I run. (Still loosely taking applications or well, for small interviews for people to join it. 18+ kind of server and pretty rad. Dm me if you want to ask about it!). 

A lot of the ones posted or planned to be posted/are being planned to eventually write for a small series I'm doing for an au idea for Smile for Me are heavy topics and contain death, trauma, and just might not be good for some people to read. Don't feel shame in skipping them because I do have plans for more wholesome works to post in between the one I just finished and a continuation of that one in prologue/epilogue form (depends on which I write first). Keep yourselves safe and read the tags for things! {Will edit later and work on adding more to the masterlist as time goes on. If I forget, I'll try posting the links until I post the link to this list}

.˚ *꒰ঌ✦໒꒱ * ˚. Angst Writings .˚ *꒰ঌ✦໒꒱ * ˚.

✧˚₊‧ Original Character works ✧˚₊‧

𖤐 “Nightmares, Nightmares. When Will They Stop?” - is a small story with my OC, Kouya Rivermasu that deals with a great deal of heavy topics. It was my first time posting something so it might not be the best, but read the tags before actually reading it to make sure it's a good story for you. 

 The link is: https://archiveofourown.org/works/50809402

˚｡⋆୨୧˚ Bloomhaven/AU spin on canon events ˚｡⋆୨୧˚

❦ “Am I Better, Am I the Same, or Just Worse?” - is a two chapter fic that deals with the trauma of childhood, post-Habitat events, and has Boris having a panic attack while in the process of legally adopting my Flower Kid — Aspen. It's set in the current era we live in so these events happen closer to 2 years ago in our time and deals with my seaside, flowery town being mentioned so far. Has a good ending so a lot less trauma, but still deals with canon events.

The link is: https://archiveofourown.org/works/51182377/chapters/129324394

⊹₊｡ꕤ°₊ ⊹ More canon type events ⊹₊｡ꕤ°₊ ⊹

❀˖° "Bad Choices Lead to Dead Ends" - is a two chapter fanfic that will potentially just get it's own section eventually due to it being the second part of a series I'm planning now. It follows the loop au that some people have used where Kamal and Boris are sentient. The twist? One of them is destined to die and the other is meant to stay back to watch the aftermath. The first chapter is Boris' POV and the second is Kamal's POV. I'd suggest reading one after the other to really put into effect the two halves of a picture type style put in. It gets really sad so I'd bring some tissues and skip out on this one if you're sensitive to death and your comfort character dying.

The link is: https://archiveofourown.org/works/51857044/chapters/131115796#workskin

The link to my friend's art for the fic: https://www.tumblr.com/l0nelyappariti0n/735082417599168512/bad-choices-lead-to-dead-ends-chapter-1

˗ˏˋ༻ʚ♡︎ɞ༺ˎˊ˗ Lighthearted/Wholesome Writings ˗ˏˋ༻ʚ♡︎ɞ༺ˎˊ˗

✧˚₊‧ Original Character works ✧˚₊‧

࣪𖤐 [Placeholder]

˚｡⋆୨୧˚Bloomhaven/AU spin on canon events˚｡⋆୨୧˚

❦ [Placeholder]

⊹₊｡ꕤ°₊ ⊹More canon type events⊹₊｡ꕤ°₊ ⊹

❀˖° [placeholder]

More will be added over time so be on the look out and if you lose this post, just know it's in my pinned post as well!

[seraphinitegames]

The Wayhaven Chronicles—Update 12/August/2022

Exciting week this week with starting with Chapter 17!

But also, I had a blast with editing! I totally forgot what I put into Chapter 9, hehe! :D It was amazing rediscovering all the different possible scenes, and the fun in those had me smiling so much and so eager to find out which scene you guys end up choosing!

Also managed to get the text assets and amended graphics to Hosted Games, so that's all ready to go for them! It's nice as that's usually a huge task during submission, so to get it done now is one major thing I don't have to worry about during the hectic submission process.

I keep meaning to check Book Two to see if the save system has been added into the end yet, so if anyone knows if it has, could you just drop me a message! I’d be super grateful! Otherwise I might ask Nai just to run through that and see for me. She’s coming up with some Instagram and merch stuff involving Book Two stuff anyway, so she’s part way through!

So yeah, it’s been a busily intense time but a very exciting one! :D

I’ve broken the plan for the ending chapters into two different versions, which are A and B (so it’s Chapter 17A, Chapter 18A, and Chapter 17B, Chapter 18B, etc, right up until Chapter 19—then Chapter 20 is the ‘aftermath’ chapter, and 21 is the epilogue-type thing!). I think this was definitely a good call to do them as completely separate versions. I’m not sure yet if I’m going to write the full A version of the ending chapters, and then come back and the do the B version. Or if I’m going to do Chapter 17A then 17B, then do that with Chapter 18.

Hope that makes sense! :D

But Chapter 17A is coming along SO well! I changed it slightly to the plan, but I definitely think it was good to make the change as this version has some more emotional punch to it!

It was also the start of getting the floorplans for the Warehouse and other locations finalised (I'm glad you guys enjoyed the kitchen floorplan and aesthetic on Patreon!). Really want to try and get through those at a pace, as I do seem to have different versions in my head for some rooms, which doesn't help with consistency! 

But things are definitely getting more firm with stats, locations, characters, etc with Nai collating all my notes for me. That should really make things a whole lot easier for Book Four (yes, I'm already thinking about Book Four planning, lol!), which is going to be a serious doozy of a book to write, so the more I have as easy reference, the better!

I hope you all have an amazing week! We’ll be offline as usual, so I’ll update you all again next Friday <3

[alltheficsiwant]

Same Old Hawkins, Or not? | Part Five

PART Five | The Aftermath

Summary: After the events regarding the gate and the mind flayer. Reader now has to deal with her unsaid issues and the inevitable talk with her boys. Though, of course, Billy Hargrove has the habit of fucking things up into proportions.

Warning: Graphic violence, dark themes (Attempted rape and abuse). If you are triggered about these topics. Please read with caution or skip the part with !!! and continue on after the second !!!

Also, MINORS get the hell out of here. Forgot to rate this as 18+

Pairing: Eddie Munson x Harrintong!reader

Words: 6.7k

Note: Hey guys! We are nearing the end. I think they are just two more chapters after this plus the epilogue and we are done. I have a sequel planned for this because originally. I wrote a rewrite of Season 4 but opted to do season 2 instead. If the series gained enough traction or notes or request to be continued. I might continue on with it. Sooo, reblog, like and comment guys! ALSO, my ASK are open, SEND ME YOUR THOUGHTS OR ANYTHING AT ALL. - J &lt;3

PART Three | PART Four | SERIES MASTERLIST

Will be posted in Ao3 soon!

After Eleven managed to close the gate, you and the rest of the kids gathered back to the Byers house and eventually towards the new Hopper residence in the middle of the woods.

In the span of a month, you built a bond with the kids as you helped in fixing things up in both residences. You also managed to meet El. During those times, the talking later never happened between the three of you. Well, Steve is busy curing his wounds both physically and emotionally. (“It’s not a phase anymore is it?” “Yeah, squirt. She called it,” “Well, better luck next time, Jerk,”). While you and Eddie, kind of dance around one another. Going on the same routine, meeting up every Wednesday at the lake and Friday’s for the campaign. Though the dynamics between the two of you changed, something Gareth and Jeff the ever observant sophomores noticed. You and Eddie didn’t even confirm or deny everything when they questioned you individually because you haven’t exactly talked about it yet.

Though Eddie did try, you swiftly change the subject and metal head gets the que. Luckily, despite Eddie’s obvious temperament as he wants things to be done rather quickly. He didn’t chastise you. You’ll tell when you are ready or you get over the initial mortification that is Eddie witnessing your first flashback. (So far, you haven’t had any, thank God)

Instead of dealing with those, you offered your help to the other kids. You grew closer to them, especially Max who you decided to take under your wing. You became her escape when Billy or anything under her house gets too much. You opened your doors to them much to Steve’s annoyance. (“You still love having them around Steve, admit it.” “Give me another month and I’ll decide,” “Whatever makes your sleep at night,”)

The next thing you know, you got thrown into the committee of highschoolers that handles the Snow Ball for the middle schoolers. It wasn’t exactly your type of thing but it teaches you how not to be late again in Ms. O’donell’s class twice in a row. Causing you to miss your Wednesday’s with Eddie twice too.

Well, you didn’t have to explain. He knows that, because he was there when Ms. O’donell delivered the blow but regardless. You were quite thankful for it. The inevitable talk of your feelings regarding the metal head is postponed.

Now you just need to get through your head. We hope you had more time though but someone has the tendency to throw a wrench into your plans. It's no other than Billy FUCKING Hargrove. After the incident in the Byers house, Max told you that Billy is pissed off more than ever to everyone and especially both you and Steve. He was itching for a fight and always provoked Steve but Steve who finally broke apart with his friend group didn’t bite on it. 

Just landing on ignoring the bully and going on his merry way. The same treatment is given to you, making the Hellfire club members especially Eddie (Despite the unspeakable topic that looms over the both of you) was extra protective. Though you assured them that Billy is more bark than bite when it comes to girls.

You should have learned your lesson when he easily slammed your body down on the floor causing a flashback. Though, you were at ease because it was school and Billy doesn’t want to get into trouble. Doesn’t he?

Well, you learned that in a very hard way.

You volunteered to finish up with the designs. It was the last week of November and there is one week before the SnowBall and the official start of the Winter Break. The committee which is not surprisingly led by Nancy Wheeler wants to get ahead of everything. Including the decorations and since you made it clear that you would not spend your Friday night in a ball as a chaperone. You opted to help with the decors and preparations. 

You wanted to finish it as soon as possible since you are itching to finally talk to Eddie because you miss the metal head. You always felt like he was too far from you despite being there. You volunteered to finish up not knowing that there is someone lurking around you waiting a chance to make a move on you.

Not the move you wanted and not the person you want to make a move on you.

“Ahhh. If it isn’t the Harrington Bitch,” When you hear his voice echoing through the room, you can’t help but sigh. You stopped for a moment before shaking your head to continue what you are doing. You really don’t want to give Billy Hargrove a time of day. “You’re not going to acknowledge me?”

You remained silent but you did move out of your chair and around the table. Subtly putting distance between the two of you and so that you will be able to see him. 

“Seriously, silent treatment? I never thought you could shut that mouth of yours,” Billy snarled and that made you look up at him with an exhausted expression.

“What do you want, Hargrove?” You asked him as you laid your hands over the table. Billy walked— no more like stalked towards you as he slammed his hands against the table. You jumped as you took a step back from him. Seeing your reaction, Billy’s face lit up as he smirked at you.

“I told you I’ll deal with you and your cousin later. This is me wanting my due,” He told you and that made you clench your fist. Forcing yourself to calm down. 

“What are you going to do? Beat me up?” You asked him as you tried to move slowly around the table enough for you to dash past him and out of the room. Thank God you are wearing your jeans and sneakers. You would just get your leather jacket and helmet tomorrow. Right now, you need to escape Billy Hargrove.

Billy looks like he isn’t getting your plan though his eyes raked over your body very slowly making you shudder in disgust. That look is so damn familiar. Fuck. No flashbacks please. Not fucking now.

“I have other ways to ask for payment,” He said as he turned to look over at you again before he landed back on your eyes. “I think we just need to fuck out our differences. You know,” He offered and that made you laugh at him. Making sure that the mocking is there.

“Fuck it out? You are a cocky asshole. Do you think that my hatred for you is what? Sexual tension?” You told him, the mocking tone heavy on your voice as you moved slowly around until you stood still. Two chairs are between the both of you and you just need to find the right timing to run. “Well, you have to wake up Hargrove. Not every girl wants you and not every girl wants to be in your pants. Besides, you wouldn’t be able to handle me,”

Billy snorted at that. “I cannot handle you? I remember, I handled you just fine back at that house. You tiny little thing,” He looked over at you. His eyes darkened a bit. “I could easily pin you down and do anything I want.”

You shuddered at the image and twisted your face in disgust.

“You are all bark but no bite, Billy. Now it just makes me think that you're overcompensating on something that isn’t there at all huh?” You told him as you readied yourself to run as you finally were able to release the fuel you accumulated about him through the months. “What do the housewives you seduced say? Did they come back for more or are they just as disappointed as Mrs. Whedon?”

Then you ran. “You little bitch— come here!”

You tried to out run him but you are no match to a nearly six footer basketball player. You are no athlete and you never really qualify for track. Your gait is also short because of your height but you hoped that the surprise is enough advantage.

You're so wrong.

You were merely out of the room before you felt a hand on your arm and the next thing you know you are slammed against the wall. You will yourself to focus on the adrenaline and the flashes of memories trying to seep in. You fought Billy back. Using the strength you had for years of riding a bike that is heavier than you and wielding wooden swords at the Dojo back at the Shit Show. 

“You fucking bitch, let’s see if you are going to be fucking disappointed.” he said as he pinned you down and the next thing you know lips are on you. You are no virgin and you already had a lot of encounters with guys but usually it was on your own terms. This is not it and the moment that Billy’s lips touch yours. The image shifted again and this time you are back at the floor of that apartment. Bleeding and struggling as you find the way to topple the guy off you.

He was already halfway through your blouse. The knife he was using was sharp as you felt it knick you a couple of times but you remained to struggle. Despite the sharpness of it and the fear of being slashed. Your will to escape is greater.

“Please stop! Let me go! I don’t know anything at all!” 

The man laughed as he continued to cut through your blouse. He is on the last three buttons that lay across your stomach. 

“Look at you! So pretty!” He exclaimed as he stopped and examined you. He ran his knife on your stomach, the blunt side before he leaned down. You looked at the side as tears fell from your eyes. Your hands are pinned down by the other man as he laughed at the scene. 

“We will surely enjoy this! If you won’t talk maybe we can use your mouth for something else,”

Then you felt him move a bit down and felt his crotch touch your knee. You felt his knife going through the last three buttons. 

“You are ours to—” 

The image was abruptly changed as you felt arms enveloping you from behind. Familiar leather clad ones as you were rocked back and forth. Your name murmured to your ear as your cries died. Your vision blurry because of the tears but eventually cleared as your cries quiet out. 

“That’s it sweetheart. Come back to me baby. I got you, you're safe.” Eddie mumbled as he continued to rock you back and forth. You blinked trying to gather yourself as you willed the images to disappear. You leaned your head against Eddie who stopped his rocking momentarily and leaned against you too.

“You’re okay sweetheart. Are you back to me now?” Eddie asked as you slowly nodded. “Okay, now I need you to breathe with me– that’s good– in and out. Just like that. Breathe with me.”

You didn’t notice you were struggling with your breath but as soon as he said it. You gasped and desperately tried to follow Eddie’s breathing. Though you heard a sound of struggling and turned just in time to see Steve picking up an object and slammed it against Billy’s face. Rendering him unconscious though you didn’t manage to see more as Eddie moved until you were facing him. His eyes trained on you.

“Eyes on me only. I need you to breathe with me again. In and out,” Finally it latched on as you followed every inhale and exhale. You didn’t know how long you and him sat there just breathing until you felt exhaustion taking over you as you slumped inside Eddie’s arms. Though you tried to fight it, everything is just heavy on you.

“I’m calling Hopper,” an unfamiliar voice said. A voice that is not Steve’s or Eddie’s since you have ingrained their voices. “I would like to take her out of the scene but if this is assault–”

“She needs to be here,” this time you knew it was Steve’s voice that said that. “Fuck, we should let her rest though. You can give her to me Eddie, I’ll take her—”

As soon as you heard that, your body instinctively borrowed itself to Eddie and the next thing you know you are whining no as you turned in his arms. You wrapped your arms around him and locked yourself against him.

“I got her, just got some blankets. We need to lay her down in something warm and soft,”

“I’ll get that,” another unfamiliar voice said before you heard shuffling feet. You tried to open your eyes, which you didn’t know you closed but it just won’t cooperate. 

“Hey, you don’t need to stay awake,” It was Steve who spoke again. He had grown closer to you as you felt a hand running through your hair. While another is running against your back. “You can rest. We got you now Squirt,”

You didn’t know that was the words you needed to hear as the heaviness became ten fold and you felt safe. Then everything went black.

The next time you wake up, you are inside an office and laid down on a sofa. It was night and the reason you have woken up is the raised voices you hear.  

“Please! Don’t call my dad. I beg you–” That sounded like Billy.

“Now you come begging? You fucking assaulted my cousin you fucking asshole!” It was Steve who shouted. You heard some shuffling and muffled voices. You urged yourself 

“It wasn’t intentional. I got too angry. She-she– provoked—”

“Don’t you fucking say it!” A voice so shrill made you finally sit up. You knew it was Eddie who spoke up this time. You looked around trying to find them. “Don’t you dare say she fucking provoke you hargrove. She hated your fucking guts!”

“Okay now- you boys chill it out,” It was Hopper who finally spoke up. You carefully stood up as you still feel like your limbs have weights on them. Your eyes looked around until it landed over a window. There you see Steve, Eddie, Hopper and Billy. Though what surprised you was Jonathan and Nancy standing on the side. Nancy glaring at Billy while Jonathan just looked at him in disdain.

Hopper was actually standing with his back on you while the others were actually facing you. You guessed that Hopper is obscuring their view of you. You will yourself to move, wanting to hear the conversation.

“Now you listen here shithead,” Hopper said as you saw him leaned forward as he got up to Billy’s face. “You can deny having your way with the girl but the bruises on her arms can be evidence enough for assault.” 

You were already standing at that point and no one even noticed your movement as you watched and listened. Though at the mention of the bruises you looked and nearly gasped as the hand shaped bruises. 

“She fucking asked for it,” Billy hissed and you can’t help but watch in shock as Steve and Eddie went for him. Hopper had Steve while Jonathan went for Eddie. Though Eddie being the closest managed to land a punch on him, careening Billy a bit off his seat.

“Let me the fuck go!”

“Let me punch him Jim!” 

Both of them shouted. Billy, who was recovering from Eddie’s punch, wiped the corner of his mouth as he glared at them all.

“It doesn’t help if you fucking go at him–”

“That bitch freak saw it coming. The way she fucking provoked me all the damn time,” Billy continue to speak.

“I suggest you fucking shut up—”

“She fucking deserved that when she can’t keep her mouth—” Slam! You jumped as Billy got his head slammed against the table and then again for good measure. The four men stood shocked that same as you as you saw Nancy holding on to Billy’s hair. She did it again making Billy groan not caring that his nose had started to bleed.

“Nobody deserved that asshole,” Nancy seethed as she glared at him. Billy looks at her as his nose continues to bleed. “I know your life is fucked up but you don’t have the fucking right to fuck others,”

Nancy then finally looked up through the window. Her eyes widened. She called out your name and they finally looked at you. You stood there shaking. Eddie immediately moved and the next thing you know he is right in front of you taking your face in his hands gently. You looked up at him and met his eyes full of concern.

“Hey,” He greeted as you reached out and wrapped each of your hands on each of his wrists. 

“What happened?” You asked as you looked over at him. He sighed before he carefully moved his hands so that he could wrap his arms around you. You willingly got to him. The movement was natural just like that night. You are drawn to him. You settled your head against his chest.

“You don’t remember anything?” He asked quietly.

“Bits and pieces,” you gave and Eddie sighed. You heard someone stepped inside the office too and you leaned back to look to see Steve standing there. He was sporting an unreadable expression for a moment before it settled with concern as he looked at you.

“Hey squirt,” he said and you gingerly let go of Eddie who let you as you rushed towards Steve. He readily opened his arms as you slammed against him. His arms automatically wrapped around you as he buried his head against your head. “You scared me there a little,” He murmured alongside your name.

You don’t know how long you had each wrapped up but the both of you are interrupted when Hopper came into the office with Nancy and Jonathan behin. You let go of Steve and as soon as you made contact with Nancy. You gave him a small smile which she returned.

“Okay kid, why don’t we all sit down,” Hopper said as he motioned for the sofa and the empty seats in his office. Steve let you go and guided you towards the sofa. Eddie sat beside you while Steve took the other side. Your hands automatically reached out for them. Though you opted to lean your head against Eddie’s shoulder which Steve didn’t mind since he has one of your hands in his.

Hopper shuffled some papers around before he pulled out one before taking up his pen, “I know you just woke up but I need your statement,”

You looked at him for a moment before you nodded. 

“Okay, can you tell us what happened?” Hopper asked. You tightened your grip on Eddie and Steve trying to remember what happened before you had another flashback.

“Ummm, I was in the room trying to finish up the decoration for the upcoming Snowball. I volunteered because I wanted my next Wednesday free,” You quietly told them. You felt Eddie’s thumb start to draw circles over the back of the hand he is holding. You leaned further towards him but still not letting go of Steve.

“I thought I was alone but Billy showed up. Talking about paying back whatever the hell it is,” You shakily took a deep breath as you looked down not wanting to look at anyone by the next bit of your story. “I-I did provoke him but only to fluster him so that I could run out of there. I already have my keys to my bike. I just need to outrun him,”

“But he caught up to me. I was ready to fight him off but he caught up to me. The next thing I know, he had me backed up the wall and–and—” You stuttered as your mind went blank.

“H-he kissed– oh god,” You can’t help but say as you closed your eyes. “He kissed me and that is all I can remember,” you told them. Not wanting to tell anyone that you slipped into yet another panic attack, or they already knew that you guessed. They would have witnessed it when they caught you there. You just don’t want to voice it out hoping you wouldn’t receive any more questions about it.

Everybody was silent after that except the scratching of Hopper’s pen. You can’t help but burrow deeper into Eddie, seeking the safety he provides. Not that Steve doesn’t give that but you craved Eddie’s presence. Not being able to be with him properly during the weeks since the night about the secrets of Hawkins. You let go of Steve’s hand and fully leaned against Eddie. Eddie immediately lifted his arm to let your head rest against his chest while his other hand caressed your arms. You saw Steve looked over at the two of you with narrowed eyes before he just looked towards the chief of police as he spoke again directly to the other four.

“Now, you four tell me how you found them? What are you doing at school?” 

“Me and Jonathan are there to check up on her. The committee members said they left her there. We were about to go there and help her when we met these two outside, arguing,” Nancy explained as she pointed towards Eddie and Steve. 

That made you look at them two. They had a sheepish expression on their faces. Hopper just looked at them before he spoke again.

“Why are you two arguing outside the school?” He asked as Steve and Eddie looked at each other.

“I was there to check on her,” Eddie mumbled. “I knew she was doing that for detention and we have our daily outings during Wednesdays,” He offered. You looked over at him as Eddie looked down at you. “I missed you, so I brought some food for us. Hoping you are still there,”

You can’t help but wrap your arms tighter around Eddie.

“I was there to also check on her. After everything that happened, I got a bit paranoid being alone inside the house,” Steve explained his presence. “Me and Eddie kind of got into a bit of an argument.”

Hopper narrowed his eyes and he scanned the demeanor of the three of you. He has his own conclusion.

“I assume it's about the relationship between Munson and her,” Hopper said as he looked down at the paper on his hand and scribbled it down.

“Yes,” Steve and Eddie answered in unison. You however looked between the two of them.

“Do we have a relationship?” You can’t help but ask as you look over at Eddie. Whose eyes softened as he looked at you. He reached out to cup your cheek with his hand.

“If you’ll have me, sweetheart,” Eddie mumbled, you looked at him for a moment before you nodded as you leaned back against him. Steve just looked at the exchange horrified. 

“We still have to talk after,” you mumbled against his chest as Eddie smiled widely as he wrapped you back in his arms again. 

“It's a date,” he just said. You didn’t know what he did but Steve grunted at that.

“We are getting out of topic here. How did you guys find them?” Hopper said as he looked over at you.

“We heard a loud noise coming from inside.” Nancy explained. “Steve and Eddie immediately went inside running. Me and Jonathan right behind them. We thought its something about the upside down.”

“As we grew closer, we heard Billy and then,” Nancy looked over at you as you looked over at her before she mumbled your name. “Then, she was screaming. Steve was the first one to reach the room.”

Steve whose fist clenched at the memory of you. You were sure of that and that made you detangle yourself off Eddie to comfort your cousin. Who opened up his arms for you as he held you this time.

“What did you see Steve?” Hopper asked.

Steve tightened his hold of you before he started speaking. “Billy was on top of her, kissing her and she was just thrashing around. When I saw that I just saw red and threw him off her.”

Everybody was quiet as Steve gathered himself. “I was angry and mortified because even after I took Billy off her she kept thrashing around. As if she is still fighting someone off,” Steve then looked down at you. You looked away not daring to look back because you just knew you would crumble.

“Then I came in,” Eddie said. “I already recognize that she is having another panic attack–”

“Another?” Steve asked but Eddie just shook his head pleading him not to speak. You felt Steve pull you closer with that.

“Instead of helping Steve, I went to her. Wrapped her in a hold and tried to coax her back. She already had bruised arms at that time.”

“Then me and Jonathan saw the scene, just in time for Steve to knock Billy out and for her cries to die down,” Nancy said.

Hopper nodded as he finally put down all their statements. Then he stood up towards a drawer and pulled out a camera. He gave it to Jonathan.

“We need pictures to file on a case—”

“Is he going to jail?” you spoke up suddenly as Hopper looked at you while Jonathan took it.

“I’ll detain him for now but I will be filing a case in Juvenile court. He’s still 17,” Hopper said as he looked at where Billy is nursing his bleeding nose and bruised face. “But I’ll be calling his parents and Steve’s to discuss the situation—”

“I don’t want to file a case,” You interjected . Steve and Eddie protested at that.

“No way, Squirt. We are filing that case.”

“You can’t just let him go like that?!” 

“Detain, make him do community service. I don’t want him to end up in jail,” You told them as you looked around the people in the room. 

“Why, sweetheart? He triggered your panic attack again” Eddie said as you looked at him.

“I know, but he can learn his lesson in a different way,” You told them. The image of Max came into your mind now that you are starting to think a bit more clearly. “I provoked him in that room. He was offering me sex and I threw something at him that engraged him. I knew Billy was ticking time bomb of anger.”

You glanced towards the window to look at him but he was already looking at you. Steve and Eddie noticed that and tried to shield you away but you refused. Despite the horrible flashbacks he forced on you. You knew Max and the situation of her house. How despite Billy being an asshole and totally misguided. He was the only thing that became a buffer for Niel and that is something that should be dealt with.

“I’ll probably regret this later but he deserves the help he needs,” You told them as Billy finally looked away from you. You turned to them. “And I just want this night to be over. I just want to rest,” 

Hopper, who was quiet, nodded. “I still need to file this and have a case kid,” he told you and you nodded. “But I’ll see what I can do to not send him completely to Jail. I should contact—”

“No,” you stopped him as you looked at Steve. “I don’t want Uncle Harold to know about this not now please,”

Steve looks like he wants to argue but he just sighed in defeat and nodded. “Your choice kid, you’re already 18 right?” You nodded at that. “Okay, I'll detain you and it's best to have Jonathan go with your bruises then you guys can go.”

Jonathan gingerly stood up and walked over to you. “This will be quick,” he murmured quietly. You nodded as you lifted your arm. It trembled a bit and it was heavier than usual but held it up as still as you could. Jonathan took a few photos before he lowered it down.

“You have a bruise on your face too,”  He murmured and you just nodded. Closing your eyes as he took another set. “Anywhere else?”

You felt your body and winced when you tried to move your back. “I-I think my back has some,” you murmured.

“Ummm, are you okay to lift—”

Without thinking about anything else, you lifted your shirt up. Everybody scrambled suddenly at your movement. Steve and Eddie stood side by side and turned around while Nancy hurriedly shut the blinds off. Hopper stepped outside, probably taking Billy’s side of the story. Jonathan was looking away.

You removed and turned your back to Jonathan, leaving you in your modest bra. You didn’t even register what you were doing. You just want it to be over and done with. In that moment, you forgot what you were trying to hide for everyone.

“You can take a picture, it's okay.” You told Jonathan as you clutched on the back of the sofa. You don’t know who gasped loud, you never knew who it was. You were too tired and worn to think about it as you heard Jonathan click the camera.

“D-do you have something on your front—” You turned a bit, though when the room became incredibly quiet. You suddenly opened your eyes and gasped. Your hand instinctively covers your stomach. You looked and saw that Eddie and Steve were frozen on the spot. Their eyes wide as it's trained on your now covered stomach. 

Jonathan, who probably saw it too, has his eyes trained on Nancy while the girl has her hands covering her mouth.

Shit. They saw the scars.

Steve called out your name and slowly you opened your eyes to stare at him. “Where did you get those scars?” He asked.

“S-steve,”

“Where did you get it?” He asked, his eyes glossing over as he looked at you. “I-Is that what happened back in—” He stopped his eyes darkening. He made the same face when you talked about not running away in the forest but this time it was accompanied by anger. Fuck. 

Steve called your name, your complete name and that made you start to shake. Your tremble probably prompted Eddie to finally move. He carefully moved towards you. His eyes were full of concern.

“Sweetheart,” He mumbled as he grew closer. Your vision started to blur as tears flooded your eyes. 

This isn’t happening. This is not how you want them to know about this. You don’t like the way this is fucking unfolding. Fuck. Fuck.

“I-I’m sorry,” You forced out as you shook your head and looked at Steve.

“P-please d-don’t tell me Uncle Nate– FUCK!” Steve exclaimed as he clutched on his head. “Is this the reason why your move to Hawkins got delayed? Is this the reason why you won’t tell me anything about Utah?” 

You just continue to shake your head and cry. Eddie finally reached you and once his arms went around you. You flinched and backed away. Eddie jumped and a flash of hurt came across his face before it was gone.

“S-Steve please, n-not now. N-not today–”

“What happened?! What are you not telling me?”

“Steve! I don’t think this is the best time to berate your cousin,” Eddie finally spoke as he glared at the guy. 

“B-but”

“I’ll tell you when I can” You spoke out as you looked at Steve. “I-I just want to rest for now. Please?” You pleadingly look at him. 

Steve closed his eyes as he ran a hand through his face. “I’m sorry.” He quietly said before he looked over at you.” Y-yeah, I’m sorry. I-I just need–” He suddenly walked out of there and you finally broke down crying. 

Eddie moved to take you in his arms and this time you let him as you buried your face against his neck. You didn’t know how long you were there in his arms until you felt him move you to get your shirt back to your body. Then he made you wear his leather jacket, leaving him on his hellfire shirt. You slipped your arms through the jacket and it was too big on you. The sleeves went over your hands but that’s okay. You inhaled his scent and for the second time that night. Your body felt heavy and without another thought in your head. You welcomed the darkness this time.

Hopper made sure that what happened with Billy and you remained under wraps. Billy’s parents were informed that he got into a fight and managed to hurt you a bit. Luckily Steve has bruises to show that he did try to defend you. Uncle Harold was beyond pissed when he learned of the fight. 

Though you placate him, telling him that you are fine. You are not. That Hopper would be taking care of it. Fortunately, despite Uncle Harold’s insistence of handling what happened. He was only able to come home for one day before flying out again. A business trip he cannot miss but he made sure that Steve and you are stocked until Christmas and until they manage to come home.

After that night of incident, you and Steve are walking on eggshells. You both agreed that it was better for you to recover at least enough to take the exams before the winter break hits.Before the two of you finally talked.

Of course, during this time, Eddie suddenly became yours and Steve’s mediator. You might be too fucked up in talking about the shit show but talking about you and Eddie. That is something you are sure of. There is not much to talk about, nothing will change except that every touch and comfort is something more than friends do.

The two of you haven’t really kissed or gone on a date yet. You can’t seem to enjoy it knowing that the talk with Steve is looming for the both of you. Also, Eddie wants to know what really happened to you as he witnessed two of your panic attacks and two of them he helped bring you back.

He became your rock. He didn’t ask questions for the whole duration that he was with you when you recovered. He was just there, offering his warmth and affection to you.

Though you knew, the inevitable will come and you are absolutely terrified.

Terrified that when you tell them what happened back there might change their view of you. They might realized that despite the strong facade you're fronting, you are more fucked up than they realize. What if they didn’t want anything to do with you? What if Steve would always look at you out of pity? What if Eddie decided that he doesn’t need another fucked up thing in his life?

That rolled around your head for days as you waited for the impending talk. You never voiced it out. Out of fear that it would come true. Then without even doing that, the day came.

It came two days before Christmas. The case against Billy came to head as it was quickly processed in the city hall as Hopper knew the mayor personally. They wanted a sentence before Christmas came. He was sentenced to an anger management course right at Hawkins General while doing a total of 78 days of community service starting a month before the school ends. He is also going to be under probation and at all means should stay away from you until further notice.

It was Steve who delivered the news once it was over. Uncle Harold had cuddled you up while Aunt Miriam tried to console you. Though, the two of them need to leave again for another business trip. Bringing another slightly sad news that you will be spending your first Christmas in Hawkins without them.

Though it was a good thing that you and Steve are left alone. You wouldn’t want them to hear what you are about to tell Steve. You also decided it was best to have Eddie there. He deserves to hear too after witnessing two of your breakdowns.

So there you were with Eddie by your side, his arms bringing you the support you needed. Steve was sitting there looking everywhere but you as silence enveloped the living room. You didn’t know how to start and sure as hell knew that you wouldn’t be able to tell everything without any liquid courage.

“Why do we pull out Uncle’s hidden whiskey, yeah?” You spoke, breaking the silence. Steve finally looked over at you with a raised brow.

“I thought you hate fancy drinks like that?” Steve mused as he moved, getting it anyway as he knew he needed something to do. 

You nodded. “Still hate it but I think we all three need something stronger,” you told him and he nodded. He excused himself towards his dad’s office leaving you and Eddie. You picked on your nails as you waited anxiously. Eddie must have noticed because the next thing you know. A big hand enveloped almost both of yours. Stilling your hands on doing further damage while the other wrapped itself around your shoulders.

You felt his lips land on your temple and stayed there as you closed your eyes and leaned to him. 

“You got this,” Eddie mumbled against your temple as you nodded. “Steve, he might be a bit dramatic–”

“Oh, I know that,” you can’t help but say and that made Eddie chuckle.

“But he is a decent guy. He might be a jerk and asshole most of the time but he’s your cousin. He’s family. Whatever you say to him, it will be okay,” Eddie mumbled. You nodded but then you pulled away as you looked back at him.

“What about you?” You can’t help but ask. You hesitated as you looked at him.  “What you will hear today, you might not want anything to do with me after,” You finally voice out the fear that nagged your head and made you terrified. Though the moment it went out of your mouth, Eddie looked back at you with pure adoration. Something you didn’t expect from him, not after what you said.

“Nothing can make me go away from you. Okay?” Eddie reverently told you as he reached out to hold your head with both of his hands. His brown doe eyes stared straight at yours as he spoke again. This time, quietly. “Whatever you say, it won’t change the fact that I am completely taken by you sweetheart. Hell, I even stayed by your side trying to be a hero when I’m not even close to it.”

You can’t help but hold on to his hand as he spoke. “Whatever it is, I will be right by your side when you face it. Okay?”

You nodded as he leaned down and placed a kiss on your forehead. The two of you pulled away from each other just in time for Steve to enter the living room with three glasses and the bottle of whiskey. You looked at him to see an unreadable expression on his face but once he looked at you. His gaze softened.

“Here,” He said as he poured you some. You took it, not waiting for the other to have their drinks. You downed it one go, relishing the burn as you winced. Then you can’t help but stare at the glass as you wait for the other two to settle down.

“Hey,” Steve called out your name. You looked back up at him as he looked at you still with a softened gaze. “Whenever you ready,”

You took a deep breath before you looked over at Eddie who just finished taking a sip on his glass. He nodded in his head at your encouragement. With one final nod, you looked over at Steve.

“Whatever you know about my father through Uncle Harold is complete utter bullshit,” You started and bit your lip as you continued. “Papa didn’t die because of a poisoning in the labs he worked at—” you trailed off as you looked over at Eddie and then Steve before delivering what could possibly open the floodgates of memory.

“He was murdered.”

To be continued.

[peonyblossom]

Love Lost

Part 2

Book(s): Open Heart 2 (takes place sometime in Book 2, before the senator attack)

Pairing(s): Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Sadie Oakley)

Words: ~2.9k

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Miscarriage (due to ectopic pregnancy), talk of abortion, fertility issues

Summary: Sadie got pregnant during her second year of residency and had a miscarriage before she told Ethan. In the aftermath, she struggles to cope. Based on Cristina's plot in S2E3+4 of Grey's Anatomy. Some dialogue belongs to Grey's Anatomy writers.

A/N: I would be willing to write an epilogue-type fic if anyone is interested (or if i just feel like it) so lmk if you’d like to read that

AO3 link here

Taglist: @rookiemartin

Sadie loved running. It was good for her, it was fun, it made her feel happy. But not today. Today she wanted to curl up in bed with some popcorn and a stupid comedy movie that might take her mind off things. Unfortunately, she had friends who cared about her, including Sienna, who had dragged her out of the house for a run before their shift at Edenbrook.

“Oh, you are stupid. You are a stupid, evil sadist and I wanna kill you,” Sadie said to Sienna as they ran through the park.

“Endorphins are good. Endorphins are mood elevators. This is supposed to make you feel better. Besides, you love running!” Sienna responded.

“Yeah, when my life isn’t falling apart! Sleeping with my boss was a great idea,” Sadie said sarcastically as the two stopped for a break. Sadie laid down on her back in the grass and Sienna laid down next to her.

“Have you cried yet?” Sienna asked, looking over at her friend.

“Of course I cried. I cried when I found out and now I don’t need to cry anymore. I’ve done that part.” Sadie answered.

“You can cry more than once.” The two stared at the sky for a minute.

“Do you want me to cry now?” Sadie asked.

“No-”

“Okay, let’s- let’s just run.”

❉ ❉ ❉

As Sienna and Sadie walked around the hospital doing their rounds, their conversation had somehow turned to Sadie’s pregnancy.

“I just think you should still tell him about the baby because he should at least have the responsibility of having to pay,” Sienna told Sadie.

“No! Look, he will never know. It’s over. Once this pregnancy’s taken care of, Ethan won’t even be a blip on my radar. He’ll be a smudge,” Sadie responded.

“Right,” Sienna said, unconvinced.

Sadie grabbed Sienna’s arms, forcing her to face Sadie and told her, “Sienna, leave the sarcasm up to me. Really, it doesn’t suit you.”

❉ ❉ ❉

Of course, of course, she’d be working with Ethan today. As if that had any chance of going well. But she couldn’t tell Ines or Zaid why, so she had no legitimate reason to fight them on it. Not that Zaid would listen either way, but she could totally swing Ines in her favor. Nevertheless, now she was with a patient with Ethan and she felt like shit. Not even just emotionally, she literally felt dizzy. Probably because she couldn’t keep any food down all morning, but no one, especially Ethan, needed to know that.

“Oakley?” Sadie heard Ethan ask, from the other side of the patient’s bed.

“What? Sorry,” She responded, feeling more and more dizzy.

“Is my patient analysis interfering with your daydreaming?”

“No. Sorry.”

“Okay, so, what tests do you think we should start off with based on the patient’s symptoms?” Ethan looked down at the patient’s chart.

“Um… um, we should start with, uh, we should start-” Before finishing her sentence, Sadie fell to the floor, passed out.

❉ ❉ ❉

Next thing she knew, Sadie was on a gurney being wheeled somewhere by Ines and Jackie.

“Her pulse is racing,” She heard Ines say. “I need her on a monitor to get a B.P. Also, I want her started on a liter of L.R.”

“Jackie,” Sadie mumbled.

“Jackie, run ahead to emergency, let them know we’re on our way.”

“What?” Jackie said to Sadie.

“Seven weeks. I’m pregnant, Jackie.”

“Okay, nevermind, we’re going to pre-op instead. Page OB, and Jackie, be discreet.”

❉ ❉ ❉

When Sadie awoke once again, she was in a bed in a hospital room with Jackie sitting in the chair beside her.

“What happened?” Sadie asked.

“You had an extrauterine pregnancy. Your left fallopian tube burst. Dr. Gardner… she did everything she could, but there was too much damage. She couldn’t save the tube.”

Sadie blinked a few times, unsure how to feel, before taking a deep breath and looking up at the ceiling. She wasn’t going to keep the baby anyway. But she wanted to have kids someday. She still could, it would just be a little harder. And that wasn’t for a while anyway, and she could just worry about it then. Right?

❉ ❉ ❉

“Sadie Oakley. Three days post-op from a unilateral salpingectomy-”

“And ready to get back to work,” Sadie cut off Bryce’s intern’s presentation of her case. “I’m taking solids and my pain is controlled by oral meds. I’m ready.”

“Um, the chart also says she had a fever last night,” The intern said quietly, earning a glare from Sadie.

“Sadie, did you have a fever?” Bryce asked.

Sadie mentally debated lying, but knew it would do her no good. “Temp spiked to 101 last night. Big deal. I worked two shifts last month with a 102° flu!”

“And we appreciate your dedication, but you have to stay in bed until your temp normalizes,” Bryce responded.

“Oh, like you would stay in bed if you were in my place!”

“Yes, well, I’m the best and you’re… well, only one person can be the best,” Bryce responded with a wink, before following his intern out of the room.

❉ ❉ ❉

Sadie sat up in her bed, filling out her own chart. If no one was going to let her work on other patients, she could at least work on her own case. Who knew how the patient was doing better than the patient themself? She was so focused, she didn’t see Ethan walk into the room and didn’t notice him until he gently pulled the chart out of her hands.

“It’s my chart,” Sadie told him.

“You’re the patient, not the doctor. Act like one,” He responded, flipping through her chart. “It’s been tough to find you alone, between your family and your friends visiting you.”

“Yeah, well…” She said, hoping he got the hint that she didn’t want to talk to him.

“How are you doing?” Ethan asked, either not getting the hint or simply not caring.

“Well, you have my chart. You tell me,” Sadie retorted.

“How are you doing?” He asked again.

Sadie stared at him for a minute before saying, “I’m perfectly fine.”

“I had a right to know.” Ethan closed her chart.

“Well, now you do.”

“Sadie-”

“Look, now you know. It’s over. There’s nothing for you to deal with, so I don’t know what else there’s really left to say.” Sadie did not want to have this conversation. Hence, why she wasn’t planning to tell him in the first place.

“There’s plenty left to say. For starters, you could’ve come to me-”

“Oh, look, it’s Sienna,” Sadie interrupted as Sienna entered the room.

“Hey,” Sienna said uneasily, looking between Sadie and Ethan. “I’m, uh, I just had some time in between patients and thought I’d check on you, but I can come back later.”

“No, don’t worry. I’m sure Ethan has patients to see, anyway. And I’d much rather talk to you, Si.��

❉ ❉ ❉

Sadie took the opportunity, while she was alone, to put on her scrubs and sneak out of her room. Although, there wasn’t much actual sneaking involved because when you wear scrubs in a hospital, everyone assumes you work there. Which Sadie does, even if she’s not technically on-shift and she’s technically a patient. She found her way to the nurses’ station and started going through the charts of her patients - because they were still her patients.

“Where’s your I.V.?” She heard Danny ask from behind her.

“I’m taking solids. I hep-locked it.”

“On whose orders?”

“Mine.”

“Okay… Let me see… here, Oakley.” Danny found her chart and pulled it out, flipping it open. “How about this order? ‘Bed rest, out of bed to chair, bathroom privileges.’ Nothing about stealing charts at the nurses’ station.” Danny smirked.

“Okay, you know what?” Sadie saw someone walking past with an empty wheelchair and held her arm out to stop them. “Hey! Give me that.” She sat down in the chair and said to Danny, “There. Are you satisfied? I’m out of bed to chair.”

“I’m telling your doctor on you.”

“Bryce?”

“Yeah.”

“Ooh, I’m so scared.” She wheeled off down the hallway, hoping Danny would think she was going back to her room. She would eventually, but she needed to do something useful first.

❉ ❉ ❉

Sadie was hiding in an on-call room with Sienna, looking through a patient’s chart. A patient who just so happened to belong to Ethan. But that was just a coincidence. Sadie just thought it was an interesting case. Ethan had nothing to do with it.

Sienna had wanted to take Sadie back to her room, but Sadie managed to convince her to let her hang out in the on-call room for a while, just for a change of scenery. Being confined to one small room, wasn’t good for her mental recovery, after all and she was still laying in a bed.

“That’s odd,” Sadie mumbled.

“What’s odd?” Sienna asked, looking up from her own patient’s chart.

“Ethan’s patient. She’s been in four other hospitals this year.”

“You seem awfully interested in Ethan’s patient.”

“This has nothing to do with Ethan.”

“Sadie, you lost a fallopian tube, a baby, and a boyfriend all in one day. You have the right to be upset,” Sienna tried to comfort her friend.

“I’m not upset.”

“You really should be in your room,” Sienna tried instead.

“Okay, if the situation was reversed, would you want to be confined to one small room for three consecutive days?”

“Well, no, but you need to rest and heal.”

“I’m laying in a bed right now, it just isn’t in my room. And I’ll use the wheelchair to get back to my room when I’m ready, okay?” Sadie argued.

“Okay, fine, but I won’t cover for you if anyone asks.”

“Good. You’re a terrible liar. I wouldn’t stand a chance.” Sadie smiled.

❉ ❉ ❉

Sienna eventually had to leave Sadie alone to go check on her patients, but Elijah ended up joining her because no one could just leave her alone.

“You’re officially A.W.O.L, you know,” He told her as he wheeled into the room.

“I’m working, trying to figure out what’s going on with the crazy woman on four.”

“You are the crazy woman on four.”

“I made a break for freedom. Will you hand me that dictionary?”

As Elijah handed her the book, he said, “You have a better patient than me, and you don’t even have a patient. Sienna’s got a C.F. case and Jackie’s got the mystery arrhythmias. I’m not a nanny! I’m a doctor, a researcher! But, no. I’m getting fake labs for fake patients, so my patient can do a fake surgery.”

Sadie thought for a minute about what Elijah said and mumbled, “She’s faking it.”

“It’s real to her. It’s Alzheimer’s.”

“No, Ethan’s patient. Thank you!” Sadie got up off the bed and went to go find Jackie. Although this was Ethan’s patient, she didn’t need him knowing she was working when he, and everyone else, explicitly told her not to.

❉ ❉ ❉

“Hey! I have been looking for that everywhere!” Jackie exclaimed when she saw Sadie coming towards her at the nurses’ station with the patient’s chart.

“Her studies have been negative, right?” Sadie asked, ignoring Jackie’s accusatory tone.

“The echo tests showed mild mitral stenosis, the tilt test was negative. We’re doing E.P. studies.” Jackie took the chart out of Sadie’s hands.

“I can tell you what’s wrong with her without sticking electrodes in her heart,” Sadie said, sitting down.

“Really? Just by the chart?”

“No, from the pill she took just before her arrhythmia.”

“She said they were contraceptives, Sadie.”

“I think she’s doing this to herself,” Sadie argued.

“You think she’s inducing ventricular arrhythmias? She’d have to be crazy to do that,” Jackie responded.

“No, she’d had to have Munchausen’s.”

“Okay, wait. You think she’s secretly ingesting something to produce real symptoms? Seriously?”

“Yeah, just run it by Ethan and tell me what he thinks.”

“Tell him yourself. He’s standing right behind you.” Jackie reached over Sadie’s shoulder and handed Ethan the patient’s chart.

Ethan led Sadie into his office and looked at her expectantly after closing the door. “Explain your theory, then.”

“Well, she obviously loves the patient role. I mean, she practically lives in hospitals. And we’re like an imaginary family to her because her real family blows her off to go take care of other people. And I saw her take something,” Sadie explained.

“It’s not enough.” Ethan looked down at the chart in his hands. “We have to rule out everything else, everything physical.”

“She even lied about her job. She’s a pharmacy tech, not a PhD.”

“So she’s a liar. I’ve been lied to before,” Ethan said, sitting down at his desk.

“Hey, we’re not talking about us here.”

“Maybe we should be,” Ethan said, looking at Sadie.

“I didn’t lie,” Sadie argued.

“You withheld the truth. How do I know-”

“Okay, you know what? I distinctly remember you saying that we couldn’t pursue a relationship, so this-” Sadie gestured between the two of them, “This is not a relationship. This is not real.”

“Sadie.”

“Okay, and so what’s with the big, fake display of hurt and drama?” Sadie walked towards the door.

“Sadie!”

“I’m supposed to be in bed.” Before she could hear anything else Ethan had to say, Sadie closed the door behind her.

❉ ❉ ❉

Sadie had only been back in her bed for an hour and a half and she was bored out of her mind. She just wanted to get back to work. Thankfully, Jackie came into her room carrying the chart for Ethan’s patient.

“Well?” Sadie asked.

“You were right. Ethan’s patient definitely suffers from Munchausen’s.”

“See? I was right. I was right.” Suddenly, Sadie started crying. She should’ve known that her emotions would hit her all at once after shoving them down for days, but somehow that hadn’t occurred to her. No matter how much she tried, she just couldn’t stop crying.

Soon enough, Sienna and Elijah came rushing into the room. Jackie had probably paged them because she’s not as good at dealing with emotional emotions.

“What’s going on?” Sienna asked in the doorway.

“I can’t stop. I can’t. I can’t stop.” Sadie sobbed.

“Crying. She can’t stop crying,” Jackie clarified.

“I can see that. What did you do to her?” Sienna asked.

“Nothing!” Jackie said.

“She’s going to dehydrate. Sadie, do you want some water?” Elijah asked her.

“No, no.” Sadie shook her head, finding it difficult to get the words out through her sobs. “Make it stop. Make it stop!”

Not knowing what would actually help her, Sadie’s friends just stayed in the room with her for a while for moral support, doing their best to try and calm her occasionally. Eventually, Sadie started to calm down and, although she was still crying, she wasn’t full on sobbing anymore. When her friends thought she was okay to be left alone for a little while, they returned to their work, with the intent of coming back as soon as possible.

While laying in bed, now silently, crying, Sadie saw Ethan, no longer in his scrubs, pause outside her door before coming in. He saw that she was crying and reached his hand out to try and comfort her. Sadie looked up at Ethan with doe eyes and he took it as a cue to climb into the bed with her. He held her against his chest as she continued to cry until she fell asleep in his arms.

❉ ❉ ❉

When Sadie woke up, she was still in Ethan’s arms and he was asleep. She looked up at him and noticed how beautiful he looked in the sunlight coming through the blinds. She smiled, then remembered where they were and why. She didn’t cry this time, but instead looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath.

“Good morning.” Ethan kissed her cheek. “How are you feeling?”

“Better. I think. I don’t know, it’s hard to tell,” Sadie said looking down. “Did you stay here all night?”

“Yeah, I didn’t want to get up and disturb you, you clearly needed the sleep.”

“Aren’t you worried someone might’ve seen us?”

“Sienna came by not long after you fell asleep and I convinced her to keep people away,” Ethan said, causing Sadie to laugh.

“Oh, and I’m sure she wasn’t suspicious about it at all.” Sadie looked up at Ethan again. “Thank you. For staying. I don’t… know why I was so emotional last night.”

“You had a miscarriage. It’s emotional. And I’m sorry I made you feel like you couldn’t talk to me about the pregnancy. Were you ever going to tell me?”

Sadie snuggled deeper into his chest before responding, “Probably not. I didn’t really want to tell anyone. I didn’t– I didn’t want anyone to know. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize. It’s your body. But just know that you can always come talk to me from now on, okay? I know I’m your boss and that makes a relationship complicated, but no matter what I want you to know that I’m here for you.”

“Thank you, Ethan. I know, in theory, that I can trust you, it just takes me a while to get there sometimes,” Sadie confessed.

“Take all the time you need.” Ethan kissed the top of her head.

Sadie wished every conversation could be as honest and easy as this one. And she hoped that maybe someday they would be.

❉ ❉ ❉

Part 2: Love Found

[thegreatestofheck]

Heck’s Masterlist

OBX Masterlist

Since some of my fics are getting long, here’s a masterlist of everything I’ve made so far in relation to Outer Banks! It will continually be updated as more fics, blurbs, and requests are added!

Also, my requests are open! I don’t generally do smut, but I’m open to mostly anything else!

JJ Maybank 

Requests:  

Jump -  You are John B’s sister and you’ve been following him around your whole life. After deciding to make your own path, you find yourself caught up with a boy who is no good and JJ is the only one who can get you out of it.

Wedding Dress -  JJ makes a promise to himself that he’s now not sure he can keep.

Run - You’re John B’s sister and after sending him off on the Phantom, it’s up to you to cover for him. But Ward Cameron is still your legal guardian and he comes to collect his property.

Ransom -  John B’s sister is taken by the square groupers. In exchange for her life, they ask for the compass and a heavy ransom price. It’s a race of time as the Pogues, with the help of Sheriff Peterkin, journey into the marsh to save her life before the clock runs out.

Not So Unrequited -  in the middle of an argument with your best friend, he says something to you that you had never wanted to hear.

i love you -  your relationship with JJ had always been rocky, built on a mutual desire for affection. that doesn’t mean he would never break your heart.

fill the void - she always felt alone, so when he needed her most, she couldn’t resist.

promises, promises - You and JJ have an unspoken thing, passed only though stolen glances and half serious flirting. But the day after he takes the fall for Pope, you find yourself standing at a crossroads; do you step in to protect him from his dad, or do you stay out of it?

Series: 

Ocean and Alcohol - (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, Epilogue, Rafe’s POV)  You’re a kook, but your life is less than ideal. After a fight with some of the other kooks, you let slip a little about your home life to one JJ Maybank, who is more than intrigued. (reader insert with a name, tw: abuse, canon content)

Tempest and Gin - (1, 2)   The gold is gone, but Elma’s problems are just beginning. With her dad in police custody and her mom once again AWOL and refusing to pay for legal council, Elma and Ms. Lana struggle to get through the trial with a court appointed lawyer. At the end of her rope, Elma finds herself juggling friends, family, rivals, and enemies as she struggles to keep her wits about her and do the one thing she’s always done; protect Kid.

Girl With No Heartbeat - (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8)  After a near death experience, JJ is saved by a girl in the water. When he and the Pogues find her washed ashore the next day, they are more than surprised to discover that she isn’t your everyday girl. (mermaid/siren au, canon divergence) 

Imagines:

Sweet as Honey, Hard as Steel -  JJ’s girlfriend is the complete opposite of everything one would expect. A straight A student with big life goals, Elena has never been the drinking, smoking, fighting type. And JJ wouldn’t have it any other way.

Coward -  Your mom just passed and your absentee father has come to collect you. But that means leaving the life you knew and loved, including your best friend (and a little more), JJ Maybank. But he isn’t ready to hear what you have to say on your last night together. 

Rafe Cameron

Series: 

Fire and Storm - Rafe Cameron had always wanted her. He wanted to be hers and he wanted her to be his. But she wasn’t and he was slowly beginning to realize that he never would be. (this is Rafe’s POV for a bit of another series, Ocean and Alcohol)

Requests: 

Better -  Secretly dating Rafe as JJ Maybank’s sister isn’t the easiest thing, especially when your brother finally learns the truth. 

Imagines: 

Meant to Be Yours -  Rafe Cameron, your boyfriend, was more broken than you realized. He wants more from you than you can give. (based on the song “Meant to Be Yours” from Heathers the Musical)

John B

Imagines: 

Girl Crush -  You spent years yearning after John B, your best friend. You just didn’t realize it until he fell in love with the most beautiful girl on the island...and it wasn’t you. After that, only Sarah Cameron was on your mind. (based on the song “Girl Crush”)

Tethered - (routledge!reader, John B’s little sister) Surfing the surge was a Pogue rite of passage. You had been waiting for the next big storm to show your older brother that you were ready to be one of them. But the storm was stronger than you or your brother could have imagined.

Just Come Home - (routledge!reader, John B’s little sister) You come home one day to find your brother bearing harsh news. 

Series:

By Dawn - (1, 2, 3) John B meets a mysterious girl at his court ordered group therapy. After spending weeks trying to get to know her, he slowly realizes that she’s a tough nut to crack. But then one day, she leaves him a cryptic message...the night before she goes missing. With the disappearance of his father still so raw in his mind, John B refuses to lose anyone else. And he will stop at nothing until he finds her.

Sarah Cameron 

Imagines: 

Girl Crush -  You spent years yearning after John B, your best friend. You just didn’t realize it until he fell in love with the most beautiful girl on the island...and it wasn’t you. After that, only Sarah Cameron was on your mind. (based on the song “Girl Crush”)

Kie Carrera 

Imagines: 

For Forever -  When you’re parents find out that you’ve been secretly dating your best friend, Kie, they go off on you. Afterward, she comforts you, reminding you that blood doesn’t mean family. (tw: homophobia, found family to the max) 

she -  As a Pogue, having a crush on Kie Carrera was almost a prerequisite. You knew that all the boys were crushing on her, at least a little bit, but accepting your own feelings for her is a different matter. (reader has a crush on Kie but isn’t really ready to admit her feelings) 

Requests: 

Nothing More -  You’re secretly dating one of the Pogues and your brother is starting to become suspicious. The only problem; he’s fixated on the wrong friend.

Pope Heyward 

Imagines: 

Nothing to Prove -  Pope helps you with some relationship problems. Later, while hanging out with your boyfriend, you realize that running from your fears got you nowhere and the only place you wanted to be was with Pope. (very soft)

Delivery Boy - With an absent mother and a distant father, you’ve always felt alone living in your empty house. But a certain delivery boy might be the one thing that makes running an estate worth it.

Seires: 

Bare Bones -  (Preview, Theory 1, Theory 2, Theory 3) Pippa Cantu has always been a little…strange. With a knack for knowing everything there is to know about every conspiracy, every mystery, and every weird happening, she doesn’t have much time (or desire) for friends. But when her chemistry lab partner asks her to join him and his friends on a hunt for the Royal Merchant, she just can’t say no.

Kelce 

Series: 

Simple Melancholy -  (2) Jemma “Little J” Maybank finds herself a little over her head when she accidentally falls for a boy from Figure Eight. Between her overly protective brother and Kelce’s incredibly rude friends, neither of them are sure how they’re going to make it, but they’re determined to.

General (Everybody)

Imagines:

Do Not Stand - One of the Pogues passes away and leaves a message for her friends. Each of them take it in a different way. 

Series: 

Little Village - (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, Finale)  As the oldest of the Pogues and John B’s big sister, June always acted as their mother. She helped with assignments and studying, helped pay bills when it was needed, made dinner, reminded them about hygiene. But then she got pregnant and her boyfriend left and suddenly she found herself unable to do all those things she was once able to. When they say it takes a village, she wasn’t entirely sure they meant a bunch of teenagers. (post-canon, I haven’t decided who the love interest will be or if there will be one at all, so that’s why its here)

Requests: 

Homeward Bound -  After spending years abroad at a boarding school, Kie’s sister returns to the Outer Banks. The Pogues quickly realize that, despite her cold exterior, there is a free spirit inside her just longing to break free. 

A Bunch of Love Stories Masterlist - A series of fics based on Taylor Swift’s album “Fearless”. 

Outerbanks Playlist - This is just a list of songs that remind of the Pogues and other characters in the show. A few of the songs are connected to some of my fics as well! 

ATLA Masterlist

Zuko

The Sun, The Moon, and the Stars - She is a non-bender from the Southern Water Tribe who somehow found herself smack in the middle of Fire Nation central, where a young prince is fighting an internal battle she hopes to help him win.

Harry Potter Masterlist

Fred Weasley 

warm - you and your husband survive the second wizarding war, but so do some of Voldemort’s old followers, and they are hell bent on revenge. 

Severus Snape

The Other Her -  Severus Snape had two friends while he was at school. One, every body knew as Lily Evans. The other was you, an unknown student who wanted nothing more than to be noticed by your friend. You couldn’t help but compare yourself to the Gryffindor heartthrob every time he mentioned her name.

Only One -  You return to Hogwarts years later to watch your son’s Quidditch match, only to find yourself a little bit in over your head.

Criminal Minds Masterlist

Derek Morgan

breathe again -  he saved her life and now she has to deal with the aftermath. he’s there to help her every step of the way.

Aaron Hotchner

dark of the night -  an agent gets taken in the middle of an investigation. in a race against time, the team at the bau must find her by diving into her deepest secrets. when a video tape arrives with horrible images of the state of their friends, aaron hotchner realizes just how terrified he is of losing her. 

The Musketeers (BBC) Masterlist

Porthos

enough for you -  the wife of a musketeer reflects on her relationship with her husband while Porthos watches from the sidelines.  

[generallypo]

in all sincerity, kim dokja makes me happy and he deserves to be so too :^(

incoherent yelling and sobbing under the cut. these fEELINGS will not be contained aaauuunnghhh. 

------

anyway i binge-read all 500+ chapters of ORV this week and i honest to god feel bad for this -- completely! fictional! aghhhh -- guy. in case you haven’t figured it out, the following is some spoilerly shit

i went in expecting a fun, brainless power trip fantasy for dudes with an isekai addiction. instead, it turns out ORV is actually a gigantic, self-deprecating prank on the entire genre itself. kdj plays more into the sad -- if high-functioning-- clown trope than the sexy, edgy, chuuni bastard type i was prepared to laugh at. there were -- gasp! -- female characters with personalities! parents (aka ADULTS who act like ADULTS) who actually survive and feature prominently! adorable children! a real sexy, edgy bastard! a power trio with amazing fashion! sexual tension and bickering! friendship! life and death bonding! 

*breathes in deeply* fouND FAMILYYYYYYY.

like, yeah, the plot around the first few arcs seems a little aimless, but the buildup is worth. the world-building is pretty decent. there’s discernible effort put into the fight scenes, and i can appreciate that. but -- but! what i stayed for were the characters -- namely, the fantastic OT3 of KDJ, HSY, and YJH -- who come together despite their initial rivalries and end up saving each other’s asses, like, every other day. granted, the other characters don’t get as much focus, and they do fall into certain character tropes.. 

but a trope done well is nothing i would gripe about. every significant character in ORV has a coherent, and more importantly, respectful take on their respective trope. maybe it’s because sing-shong is actually a married couple, but all the interactions between even minor characters are a convincing blend of awkward rambling, suggestive humor, sharp remarks, and casual banter. in other words, this cast of mostly working adults (plus a teen and two kids) talks like working adults. the relationships built throughout the story are, frankly, some of most realistic of its genre. sing-shong has managed to craft a dynamic that undoubtedly brims with fluffy fondness all around, but also drips with sarcastic tension, with unspoken urgency, with a wariness that softens into sincerity over the course of many, many chapters. it’s the kind of progression that makes even stock characters read like more than just the 2-bit villain or comrade or love interest. here, we have relationships both straightforward and not, strained or otherwise, romantically-oriented as well as decidedly the opposite -- and then numerous others scattered along the spectrum with the freedom to shift either way. 

it’s also an interesting point of note that our MC kdj actually does not end up with a stated romantic partner, much less a conventional heteroromantic harem. he gets teased about that fact from time to time, but it’s with less of the sleazy shonen locker room humor one would expect and more of the good-natured ribbing you’d find among friends or that one especially nosy auntie at the yearly family reunion. kdj is a grown ass man. in the background, i applaud his maturity, and he handles all the prodding like a champ. 

so instead of finding and fulfilling his horny, he builds himself a wealth of loving family. yeah, there are beautiful men and women around him. yeah, they unequivocally adore him. but they’re also adults, and they have priorities, too -- which are not so much finding a way to bang kdj’s brains out and more so simply keeping the damn guy alive. this is truly not ‘oblivious mc with his thirsty, sex kitten harem’. it just so happens that a guy proves himself to be unflinchingly gentle and capable in an apocalyptic setting despite his broken self-esteem, and lots of people find that attractive, romantically and platonically. 

it.. kinda makes sense? he’s a hard worker, thoughtful, and good with kids. kdj is the kind of guy you know would make a reliable partner, and anybody with eyes can plainly see and appreciate that. 

and it’s not that our MC’s a total brick wall. in fact, it’s likely the opposite, and he’s just too darned repressed to admit it. from what has been implied, kdj does indeed recognize and accept love, or at least a primitive concept of it. i like to imagine that the kind of love that he ends up seeking out simply manifests itself more easily as acceptance and safety, as warmth and a home of people to return to every day. even better, the people who surround him know this, and they give him exactly that. it’s refreshing, and honestly, really sweet.

(as a side note, i really, really do appreciate the cosmic bi energy radiating off of kdj, who canonically earns the title of being loved by all and is all but in name married to yjh and hsy. he also respects women and small children and honestly anyone who isn’t total scum to him or his family. i respect that.)

but the happy stuff aside, you know it it just ain’t ORV without the generous screaming dollop of angst. admittedly, there’s self-sacrifice, injury, lonesome wandering, more sacrifice, some epic fighting, reunion and confrontation. all of it is a lot to digest, sure, but never does it feel entirely hopeless, or truly, truly heart-clenching. ORV, up until the final act, is a mostly light read. you relax in your chair, thinking that nothing beyond this point can disturb you. 

yeah fucking right.

------

and then the beginning of the end arrives. when the squad finally break through to their ‘ending’, the scene that kind of breaks me is the reveal of the Most Ancient Dream. it ties so much thematically into the little tidbits that we get of kdj’s past, and it though it feels like almost a joke that the source of the goddamn apocalypse is a kid with bruises smeared across his skinny ass body -- it’s such a pathetic picture that it’s kinda poetic, actually. you’re left mystified but somewhat convinced, like a math problem explained halfway through. this.. child.. is a villain somehow, isn’t he?

and then 999th turn uriel speaks up, and she. just. hugs him. 

[[You are this universe’s most powerless existence, aren’t you.]] 

that. that gets me. kdj’s reaction immediately upon this revelation? absolute murder. seeing him essentially self-destruct upon realizing that all these people he’s surrounded himself with -- some who continuously proclaim their loyalty and affection for him throughout their journey, some who suffered eons of war and loss and trauma because of his existence -- not only forgive his younger self but smother him with unconditional acceptance and love is stifling, is too vulnerable and exposed and he simply can’t cope -- it’s so telling of his true mentality, of his crippling insecurity and crumpled sense of self-worth. kim dokja is a liar, through and through, so much that he fails, or perhaps refuses, to comprehend the veracity of others’ kindness and love towards himself. 

by some miracle, the events at the end of the world somehow resolve.. or so it seems. there is a departing train, a liberated team of ex-gods, and a child rousing from his slumber. in the aftermath, i am left shaking. somehow, despite the ending having been (happily?) reached, there’s still another chapter ahead. what is this witchcraft?

------

and then ah, yes -- the epilogue arc. i teetered on the edge of being critical for a little bit there -- is that display of deus ex machina, of sad, self-sacrificing nobility a bit too egregious to be acceptable? is this some wild last let-me-yank-this-outta-my-ass plot twist to drag out the chapter count? i sincerely thought that the arc before it would have been the finale. i was wrong. thank god.

anyways, as an answer to the above: no, and no. i stake my firm claim on the belief that the epilogue arc was meticulously planned out well in advance of its release, confusing and time-warpy as it is. i liked it. tremendously. even if it entirely invalidates all of kdj’s supposed development (”haha lol yeah sure i won’t sacrifice myself or anything anymore guys don’t worry about me” -- KDJ, at some point because he’s a lying rat bastard). actually, our beloved MC disappears for a large chunk of this arc, and i think it’s great. in his absence, the other characters not only go absolutely fucking nuts, but they have to figure out this new problem on their own, even if the lure of peaceful complacency in the newly saved Korea might convince them otherwise. 

and then the whole time paradox thing comes around. yjh goes to space, hsy saves the only life she can, and kdj grows up. the crew waits, holding onto their hope even if it bleeds them dry. sing-shong does a damn good job of illustrating their fraying calm, their lurking madness, the unseen but pervasive depression that seeps in from kdj’s absence. the kids lose their father, lhs and jhw lose their reliable leader figure, ysa loses a best friend and confidant, lsk -- as distant as she pretends to be from her son -- loses her only child. and then there’s hsy and yjh , who are essentially bereft of the other half of their existences. their pain is palpable, is grounded in the hopeless, gnawing frustration of an utterly meaningless victory. emotionally, ORV hits all the right -- if agonizing -- beats.

however, a story can’t sustain itself just through its pathos. i’m happy to say that ORV doesn’t drop the ball after the first milestone, and after all the hurt, the characters do leap straight back into action. even better, the plot holes actually do get patches, and the poetic cycle of writer, protagonist, and reader comes full circle by making use of all those supposedly throwaway characters from the myriad world lines. 

at the end of the road, there is a distinct sense of unity, of a delicate but undeniable cohesion to the world lines and their origins. sing-shong lets us guess a little here at the finish, but there’s just enough information to feel hopeful. maybe there never had been a definite start -- or finish -- to the story of kdj company, and... that’s okay. everybody ends up where they were meant to be, where they fought and struggled to reach. it’s.. almost like a happily ever after, if we’re allowed to dream of that.

------

now, i realize, this was all an orchestrated maneuver.

i’ll take it.

to me, all of this work sounds like someone put some serious thought into this behemoth of a plot. it cements the entire original premise of the story. it suggests -- but never explicitly confirms! -- the possibility that breaking free of the cycle is possible through the exact same system that sustains it. it’s terribly interesting -- and inspirational! with all the dramatic revelations and life-threatening scenarios  and the cast’s resigned acceptance of them that essentially make up ORV’s entire mood, there’s still that last hint of rebellious and righteous anger that lights up the whole damn nebula. it’s like the kdj company blasting away at the heavens just to yell into the nether: we’re not looking for the happy end, but the free one. stay alive.

it’s subtle, and yet it’s such an emotional gut punch. i came away with the most ruinous, frustrating, bittersweet sense of longing in ages. i pined. for these fictional darlings. god, i am weak.

so. yeah. ORV is pretty good. flawed, but ambitious and impressively thought out.  i’m stoked that the webtoon is making pretty good progress, even if it’ll take an eternity and a half to meet that monstrous chapter count. i’m still gonna follow it. hell yeah. 

------

(by the way the idea that secretive plotter and co are literally gonna take care of and raise baby kdj and spoil him and be the best friggin family a kid could ever want does things to me. protect him. he’s suffered too much. let at least one worldline’s version of him know happiness. and actually, aLL OF THEM DESERVE DOMESTIC BLISS TOGETHER IN A BIG OL MANSION WITH SUN AND FRESH AIR AND TENDER FAMILY MOMENTS UGH)

------

and there you have it, folks. you made it to the end. in the far, far distance, i’m cheering you on and crying my eyes out in gratitude. thanks for tuning in!

[echo-three-one]

Chapter 44

The Road so Far

Lay your weary head to rest

Don't you cry no more...

The TWO of us, together

Alex

Hotel Lustig, Prague, Czech Republic

"Thank you, Kid." Alex saw Jack's mouth move as their eyes met. His eyes which were once filled with determination and optimism were now screaming for help and desperation. He felt like Jack didn't have any other choice. He had to do what needed to be done.

"Nooo!" Alex forced himself to get up as his possible last words weren't the ones he wanted to hear. Not here. Not now. He wanted to see him carrying a possible child. He wanted to still be a part of his life.

Alex had been assigned under Jack's supervision since he was moved to the CIA. It was Jack's optimism and dedication to responsibility that made him who he was today. He was a great mentor and Alex almost considered him as a father figure.

Even in the most inhumane situations, Alex had thrived to succeed in his missions and he owes it all to Jack. The man was a treasure trove of skills and knowledge and Alex was one of the lucky few whom he had imparted it with. He remembered how Jack saved them both in Brazil, buying them more time evading capture.

But there was one thing that Jack would have regretted before going. It was to meet his son. He'd probably be 20 by now but he was afraid to ever show up out of the blue. His divorce with his ex-wife was quite tragic. Because he had to do it just to keep them safe. That's why Jack was always reluctant about him and Samantha. He would never want the same thing to happen to him.

So in the absence of a son, he channeled his fatherly attitude towards Alex, and Alex admittedly hated it when he's being called a kid despite his age. But as time went by and they kept on being assigned together, he had grown accustomed to it and it kinda grew on him.

In a split second, Alex remembered all the times they've been together. All the almost impossible missions they finished, all the times they thought they were goners but somehow they escaped it. All those things were soon to become memories to tell the people who will miss him.

A tear fell on Alex's eyes as he forced himself to get up and catch up on the two as they dove down three flights, ignoring the searing pain from the helicopter blast. He grabbed on to the ledge as he saw Jack and Nero, huddled together, followed by a burst of light with a loud booming sound just before they hit the ground.

A black burnmark was the only thing left on the ground as the place was blotched with a mix of debris and blood. Pieces of both of their clothes were everywhere as the smoke from the explosion dissipated.

The war was over, with Nero gone, his troops will surely retreat. But it cost one important person. A soul for a soul.

Alex couldn't feel himself as his whole body froze while looking at the aftermath of the explosion. He was trained to withstand any feeling but this was too much for him. He hadn't realized how loss hurts until he was able to see for it himself. It was devastating.

"Didn't realize it'd end this way." Price said.

"We were too caught up with Nero, we didn't realize the possibility of him being alive." he added.

"No." Alex finally said, it was hard for him to say as he could feel his heart on his throat.

"His eyes. It looked hopeless. It was the only way…" He said to them, frowning.

"What do you mean?" Roach said, extending an arm on his back for emotional support.

"He's the hopeful type. If he sees a good way out, you could see it in his eyes. What he did was the only choice he could think of." Alex sighed as the resistance team started to signal their victory. The city was cleared from Nero.

"He sacrificed his life because he had no other choice." He breathed, standing up and looking at the sky.

"I'll never forget you, Jack. Thanks for everything." he whispered, honoring his mentor and father figure.

The aftermath of Nero wasn't on the news. It was all just a story on how Prague was free from the militia groups that invaded their city as Alex turned it off and closed his eyes.

"How are you holding up?" Samantha plopped down beside him, leaning on his shoulders. Alex inhaled and looked for her hand, wrapping it against his and kissing it.

"Still devastated." He whispered as Samantha turned to him and looked at him straight in the eye.

"Jack wouldn't want to see you like that, you know." Her eyes were watery, but she was trying her best not to cry.

"You too…" he attempted to make her smile but they both ended up hugging each other for emotional support.

"Maybe he'll accept this every once in a while. The man would want to feel missed too." he whispered as they both curled up and let their emotions out.

The next day, it was back to usual at 141 except things were a little bit formal. With everyone in their black funeral attire, they gathered by the small park to honor a hero's sacrifice.

Alex stood by the podium and looked at the notable few people who attended. They were all familiar as Jack was always keen to introduce him to anyone he knows albeit professionally or casually.

"When I met Jack, my first impression of him was a stereotypical angry old man. Some of you may have thought of it like this toward Captain Price, no offense" he said as the crowd laughed a little, looking at the British captain.

"But once you get to know him, he's actually one of the best persons you'll ever meet. Every day felt like a school day. He might not point it out, but every move he made was a lesson in life. The man knew a lot of things that were vital for surviving this world. I once referred to him as a treasure trove of information." Everyone muttered their thoughts and nodded in agreement.

"He taught me how to stay positive even in the most trying times and how every decision is vital. He taught me how to think outside the box and utilize every resource you have, something that I admittedly didn't master but I'm always trying and he kept on telling me that there was no harm in trying. That's when I realized how lucky I was to be with him as my Commanding Officer."

"The man saved me multiple times and I owe him a lot for that. I'm actually blaming myself for his loss but the way he looked at me before he jumped was telling me that I shouldn't blame myself and neither should anyone. He told me once that when he goes, he doesn't want anyone to worry about him, as he'd probably be swimming in the clouds drinking unlimited liquor. And that's what he was looking forward to." Another chuckle from the crowd.

"So, for us who would not accept his death. He would want us to think that wherever he is right now, he's having a blast and we shouldn't be worrying about him." He smiled at the crowd as he stepped out of the podium and went back to the seat beside Samantha, hugging her before they both sat down. The ceremony continued with a few more words from Jack's closest friend.

Later that afternoon, Alex preferred to stay with Jack one last time before going home. He still had a few more moments to relive, and the rest of the squad, including the girls, were more than okay to join him.

"Hey guys. Thanks for waiting for me." Alex muttered as Samantha quickly joined him, locking her arm on his. It looked like everyone was also doing it with their partners.

"You guys should wear suits more often. But I'm not wishing for another funeral, okay?" Maxine said as the group chuckled.

"I used to wear these all the time. I look good at it, right France?" Soap nudged his girlfriend, making France blush uncontrollably.

"Yeah fine. You do." She replied nonchalantly. But everyone knows she's more than smitten.

"Now that this is over, what's next for us?" Roach asked the group, as they collectively shot an 'I don't know' look.

"Well. It's obviously an R and R for us." France said, proudly citing one of 141's rules.

"R and R?" Maxine asked.

"It means Rest and Recreation." Roach was quick to reply.

Alex looked at Samantha with a smile. R and R

sounded perfect.

"I'm actually finishing my psych exam tomorrow." France stated.

"I'll go with her for a check up as well. That nasty fall still bothered me." Soap added, holding on to France's waist and pulling it close to him.

"Well, looks like everyone's got plans." Roach grinned, looking at Maxine, suggesting that they had something for themselves as well.

Next Chapter : Epilogue - ONE's Sacrifice

Notification Squad my Beloved

@enderio @smokeywhalee @samatedeansbroccoli @ricinbach @bumblingbee1 @whimsywispsblog

[bellaslilpapercut]

Eclipse reread part 3 bewr bewr bewrrr! Covering the entire rest of the book in ONE post so buckle on in baybee: 

1. Absolutely everything about chapter 15 (wager) is disgusting. To a certain extent I appreciate how successfully meyer captures how frustrating assault is as a woman, how futile it feels to fight against it. But at the same time the way she handles the aftermath is unbelievably disappointing and infuriating. Charlie doesn't get up to help his own daughter, Jake trails after Bella into the house and sticks around, there's just no relief or reflection that feels satisfying. Bella can ask where the justice is when she finds out Jake isn't aging but just ignores Charlie defending her assailant? And to some extent I get it, I've shut down after assault before to the point where it took years to recognize that some of the things that happened even were assault. But when there's a pattern within the series of men being narratively rewarded for assault and abuse and women being punished for reacting to abuse it feels like the narrative is reinforcing the status quo of women<men. I'm not stupid, I understand when a book is trying to make me uncomfortable and I don't need villains to be punished to know that they're villainous. This doesn't come across that way at all. Meyers handling of misogynistic abuse and violence lack the nuance to make me believe that she sees this violence as something to be critical of rather than something that just happens to women. And again, because it's a pattern in her writing, women getting no reprieve from gendered harm, I don't believe she's making a statement. There's just no self awareness and that's the key difference between a story like Brave New World or Lolita and Twilight.

2. Also this quote that precedes the assault is just so so frustrating:

Bella is not mean for setting boundaries! She isn't stringing you along! I would love to hit meyer in the head with a rolled up newspaper. Anyway.

3. Bella keeps saying things like "this would be annoying if it weren't so scary" in regards to having her clothes stolen by vampires that want her dead and having to lie to people around her, again because dozens of vampires want her dead. And y'know after the third time she said she would be annoyed if she weren't scared I'm just left to believe she isn't scared at all. I don't feel rising tension, the newborn army feels like a minor nuisance and even after they connect it to victoria (who still hasn't shown up at all) I'm just like...okay well get on with it then! Meyer makes bella "shudder" (I'm still tempted to make a comp of every time she shudders in this fucking book lol) instead of showing us her actual fear. I don't believe she's scared, I don't care about the "threat," and I don't believe anything bad will happen to Bella. There are Literally No Stakes here. I'm not invested in this story at all.

4. Alice is a bad friend lmfao

Girl, you're psychic you know she wanted to wear red why are you just dressing her up for your brother.

5. Okay returning to point 3 because I read chapter 17 and had an epiphany: Bella says she isn't scared for herself and I get that I do. But smeyer also hasn't shown us that she's selfless- just that she doesn't care if she dies. If bella actually cared for her human friends, in any way, I would believe that the newborn army was a scary threat because the people she loves might get hurt. But I don't believe that she cares about that I only believe that she- like Edward- has a weird martyr complex.

6. The Mirror chapter also reinforces this. I can’t stop thinking about how much more impactful it would have been narratively if it had been Angela in Bree’s position (because she’s the only human friend Bella seems fond of but if Bella showed interest in any of the other humans, honestly any of them would do). Imagine the moment where the newborn vampire first lifts her head to look into Bella’s eyes and it’s someone she knows. Someone she cares for. There should have been consequences for Bella beyond “Jake got some bones broken and now I feel bad :(” which was also a shitty punishment because smeyer is inflicting physical trauma on an indigenous character just to make Bella feel bad. Okay. Anyway, it would have built the tension I was missing for- quite literally- over 300 pages of this book if Bella’s friends and classmates and Fork’s residents had been going missing the whole time. Suddenly, at the end of the battle, there’s Angela. Or Jess. Or Katie fucking Marshall. Someone Bella knew should have been there and maybe I would have cared about this book at all.

7. Going back in time to this quote which comes before the battle:

UGH!!! SHUT UP SMEYER! She literally poisoned Jake’s character from the moment she made him a main character and she has zero self reflection to see the damage that she’s causing here. I’ve said before that I don’t think Jake’s actions were a romantic deal breaker and that stands out now more than ever after reading Eclipse. THIS is the moment that Bella realizes she’s in love with Jake too. Smeyer not only sees abuse and aggression as romantic, she also lacks the braincells and reflection to see that she’s playing directly into racist stereotypes. Edward got to grow up- marginally- but Jake had to remain aggressive. I still don’t think she ever once meant to villify Jake- I think that there was no way in a hell a racist woman could ever successfully portray an indigenous character. His tenderness is tainted by the aggression she forces on his character and in the end he never had a chance because- again- he was being written by a racist woman with fucked up views of indigenous people.

8. Okay, I get it. They’re like Cathy and Heathcliff. Fine. I buy it.  

This isn’t even the last time she compares them to Cathy and Heathcliff. Kate Bush isn’t gonna write a song about you, meyer! Give it a rest! (Also lol at “like wuthering heights”)

9.  Jumping right to the end here because to be completely honest the only actual event in the entire book was the newborn battle. Jane was a bitch, fine. Edward talked at Victoria and bored her to death (presumably) and the action never felt very action heavy. I knew if from the “best friend (and werewolf)” line that this book was presumably written for idiots given how little is left to the imagination at any given time. I can’t stand when books treat the audience like dummies and I especially can’t handle YA books that do this. Teenagers aren’t stupid!! Young adults can pick up on subtlety in literature!! AND young adults can handle suspense and action. smeyer doesn’t do either well and the editors never once said “hey you know teens aren’t stupid right? like your audience will pick up on hints that you scatter you don’t have to forcefully explain everything?”  

10. Smeyer can’t stop interrupting herself even in the very last sentence of the book proper:

What, pray tell, is wrong with “Where it would stay for the rest of eternity.” Why did you have to sow doubt in the sentiment right after Bella made her For Real Final Decision???? And why the em-dash!? Again: the editors of the twilight saga are my nemeses but also my favorite conmen. What were they paid for?

11. Back to the editors real quick: if i was given a draft of eclipse I would instantly say: this story is almost 400 pages of nothing, you need to play with the structure of the story. You need to build suspense and if that means playing with POV like you randomly start doing in the epilogue, then do that. Or you can play with the plot. Nothing happens for 300 pages. It takes 300 pages to get to the newborn battle and nothing that happens before the newborn battle makes me feel worried about it. Again, kill off some humans, raise the stakes, do SOMETHING. This was so painfully slow to read because meyer tried to center this book on a love triangle that I didn’t even believe in myself. And even then, it took 14 chapters for the love triangle to get real action (as in an Event, not necessarily physical action). 

12. The epilogue. Oh man. Was the r-slur really so acceptable in 2007 that not one single editor questioned its use? I won’t type the quote in full but Jake refers to his fake arm sling as r-word. Like??? What? And THEN smeyer has him call Leah a “bitter harpy.” Shut up. 

In conclusion, nothing felt like a bigger waste of time than Eclipse. Genuinely, to be completely honest. Two (2) important things happened, at least in Bella’s narrative (I agree with Vinelle that the Volturi debacle was important from Carlisle’s perspective, it adds nothing to Bellas and Bella learns nothing important from it.): 1. Bella made a decision, she chose Edward. Who could have seen that coming? Whaaaat? 2. Rosalie told Bella her backstory. Not that Bella even used that to reflect on her decision to become a vampire but hey, at least it felt like an important moment. Jasper’s backstory only mattered for the newborn battle which didn’t matter at all (and it never informed his character and no one ever brings up that the confederacy was a terrible dark stain on US history (along with the rest of US history but that’s a full dissertation or two on its own)). I can’t imagine a way to improve this book as a standalone book. You could split up the plot (using that term loosely) so that New Moon and BD are both a little longer and BD a little more organized. But without completely changing the plot beats in Eclipse, its just pointless.

[something-tofightfor]

He’s Not Here -Part 22

Pairing: Billy Russo x Reader

Word Count: 9070

Rating: M (language, violence, blood... you know the drill)

Parts 1-21 + the interludes and NSFW alphabet can be found on my Masterlist (link in bio)

Summary: In the aftermath of the Anvil launch party, you have no more reason to speak to Billy... but is this the end? How can you go back to life without him, even though you know he’s only a few miles away? And what happens as more time passes?

Author’s Note: We’re winding down. I initially thought that there would be one more part after this + an epilogue, but the epilogue turned into a 12,000 word MESS so I’m splitting it into two more chapters + the epilogue. 

(banner by @the-blind-assassin-12​) 

You’d been wrong to think that the Anvil party would be the last that you’d hear from Billy, and even though it shouldn’t have surprised you, it did. When you returned to the office Monday morning, there was a large floral arrangement waiting at the reception desk with your name on it, a card attached. What is he doing? You carried the vase to your office and closed the door, not wanting to open the card in front of anyone else, but at your first glance at the tiny rectangle, you realized that it didn’t matter. The arrangement had been addressed to you, but the card was made out to your entire work group, and it wasn’t signed from Billy - it was signed from Anvil. He didn’t even sign it himself. Fighting the urge to throw the card away, you instead propped it up against the vase, took a picture and logged into your company email account, sending a quick message to Billy, image attached. 

 Mr. Russo - 

So glad that we were able to help make Anvil’s launch party a success. Thank you for the flowers, we appreciate you thinking of us. Thought you’d want to see what we received on your behalf. 

 You read it over, cringing at the impersonal nature of the few lines. That’s what it has to be, though. No more… no more anything. Before you hit send, you remembered one final thing, adding it before your signature. 

 We’ll be going over the guest list today in order to mark off the attendees, and the ‘thank you’ cards will be sent before the end of the week. I’ll confirm when this is done. 

 You hit send without another thought, tucking the card into your top drawer before you stood, carrying the flowers into the lobby again and setting them on the table in the entryway. “Who are those from?” Erin stepped into the office, a coffee in one hand. “They’re gorgeous.” 

 “They’re from Bi- from Anvil.” You swallowed. “To thank us for the event. I thought that they should be out here where everyone can see them.” She leaned in, lowering her face to smell the blooms. “It’s really nice.” 

 “You know,” Erin remarked as she straightened up, turning her head to look at you. “These might be from Anvil, but…” She grinned. “They’re your favorite flowers.” Stunned, you looked back down, noticing for the first time that  she was right, the arrangement featured a few different types of flowers, but the majority of them were your favorites. I didn’t even…the color, too. Erin walked away, toward her office and you stared at the vase for a few seconds longer, trying to process what you were seeing. Why would he? He wouldn’t. It’s coincidence, that’s it. 

 Heading back into your office, you sat back at your desk, opening your email again to begin work for a new client, and saw a response from Billy using the Anvil account. 

 No need to confirm. I trust you to get them sent. Thanks again. It was almost perfect, from beginning to end. 

 Lieutenant William Russo, CEO, ANVIL 

 Despite the formality of the email, you knew that Billy had chosen his words deliberately again, and even though you tried to keep from feeling anything, you read the last line over and over, heart pounding. Beginning to end. Does he mean… his office and the hallway? I… You forced yourself to close the email, moving it to the folder you’d created as a record of all of your dealings with the contract. Enough. It isn’t happening. It’s over. That kiss was… You stared at your inbox silently, replaying the last kiss with Billy - the look that had been in his eyes, the way he’d touched you, apologizing for the way he’d left your apartment. Almost perfect? It doesn’t matter. Nothing changed. Scrubbing your hands over your face you tilted your head back, staring at the ceiling. “Get your shit together. It’s just a breakup.” 

 But it wasn’t, and you knew that no amount of convincing would make you believe otherwise. 

--- 

 The weeks passed, and while you didn’t hear from Billy again personally, you did hear from Curtis occasionally. The man stopped by your office every now and then on his way to and from the church where he held a veteran’s support group, providing updates on Frank when he had them, giving you small pieces of information about Billy every so often - even when you didn’t ask. The days lengthened and spring turned into summer - a hot one, causing brownouts throughout the city - but you kept busy. It seemed that your work with Anvil had put you on the radar of some important people, and your workload nearly doubled, requiring you to hire a new planner so that you didn’t have to turn anything down. Staying busy was nice, the extra money in your bank account was nice, and even getting to mingle with the New York upper class was nice, but you were lonely. 

 You knew that getting over Billy would take time, but you didn’t expect to feel as empty as you did when you thought of him, and it wasn’t until late July, when you showed up to another event with your new hire Marissa that you realized just how empty you were. He’s here. You saw him from across the room, dressed in a suit that the Billy you knew wouldn’t have been able to afford, and immediately froze. Luckily, he hadn’t seen you, and you took a few moments to watch him, noting that his face had thinned out slightly and his beard was trimmed with precision. His hair was back to how it had been before he’d shaved it off prior to his deployment, and you felt yourself smile as you watched him. He’s so confident. Even though the event wasn’t as upper crust as some of the ones you’d planned in the past, you were slightly surprised that he’d gotten an invite to it, since it had nothing to do with security. He’s good, I shouldn’t be shocked. 

 You’d just decided to walk over and say hello, proving that again, you could interact with him without making things awkward, when you watched as a redhead walked up to him, stopping at his side. You froze mid-step, eyes widening, and saw him move an arm, winding it around her body, his hand pressed against her back. No. He still hadn’t seen you, and so as she tilted her head up to look at him, her smile growing even though he didn’t look down at her, you turned on your heel and walked away, fighting back tears. I guess it really didn’t matter. --- 

In August, there was a pounding on your door one evening, after you got home from work. You’d already changed, and were relaxing on your couch, Netflix playing in the background. Who the hell? You opened the door, surprised to see Curtis standing at your doorstep, his hand still raised like he was going to knock again. “Curt? Is -” He shook his head, pushing past you and into your apartment, which wasn’t like him at all. “Curtis, what’s -” 

 “Frank’s awake.” You gasped, following the man deeper into your apartment and stepping into your kitchen to grab two beers, popping the caps off of the bottles. “He’s... thanks.” Curtis took a bottle from you, settling down onto the couch and you sat across from him in your armchair, leaning forward. “I went to see Billy first, to tell him, and then I came to you because Frank’s… he’s got no one else.” You had tried not to think of Billy, not wanting your most recent memory of him to be with his arm around another woman,  but let your mind wander to him then, choosing to remind yourself of the way he’d been with you at the church, his hand holding yours tightly, eyes full of emotion. 

 “Is he… does he know? Wh-” Curtis laughed, but the sound wasn’t humorous, and your heart immediately dropped. 

 “Yeah, he knows.” Curtis took a long drink of beer, meeting your eyes. “I only know that he’s awake because he came to see me.” What? 

 “He’s out of the -”

 “Not supposed to be.” Curtis ran his free hand over the top of his head, shaking it back and forth. “He ah, he woke up, I guess, a few days ago, and when he remembered? He went nuts. Broke himself out of the…” Curtis shook his head. “He’s weak, but Frank’s never... He’s never let that stop him before, he... “ Curtis met your eyes. “He’s gonna go after ‘em, after ‘em all, and he doesn’t care what happens to him.” You leaned back, your hand over your mouth. After them? Does that mean… “He needs a couple days, just to get his bearings, and then… I don’t blame him, you know? If that was my family? I’d be…” Curtis trailed off. “He came to me because he trusts me, and I’m tellin’ you because I didn’t want you to…” Curtis looked down. “I don’t know what happened between you and Billy. It’s none of my business, but he’s different now. I see him once a month when he drops off a donation check for my group, but he… he won’t talk to me anymore.” Curtis swallowed the last of his beer. “He can’t help Frank, not publicly, and I don’t even think Frank would think to go to him, I don’t even think he knows Billy’s still in town, but… shit.” Curtis stood. “Don’t be surprised if Frank Castle shows up at your door’s all I’m sayin’.” 

 “Thanks, Curtis, I…” You stood too, reaching out to touch his arm. “You didn’t have to tell me, so I …”

 “I knew Billy wouldn’t.” Curtis smiled sadly. “And seein’ someone you think is a ghost? That shit’s never fun.” He left soon after that, leaving his bottle on the counter and squeezing your shoulder before he stepped back into the hallway. Frank’s… he’s… You wanted to call Billy, wanted to talk to him, wanted to know what to do next, but couldn’t, the image of the redhead flashing before your eyes along with the way his hand had looked against the black material that was stretched over her back. He used to… You refused to be that woman - the one that didn’t get the hint, the one that wouldn’t let things go, and so you didn’t call Billy, instead looking around every corner for Frank’s face, keeping your ears trained to the hallway of your apartment building for his heavy footsteps. But Frank didn’t show up at your door - and then, one morning, you saw him on the front cover of just about every newspaper in New York City … and they were calling him The Punisher. 

 --- 

 You kept your distance but monitored the case as his team of lawyers built it. You didn’t recognize the two men that appeared on camera with Frank, talking about his trial and what they hoped to accomplish, but Curtis told you all about them, and about the woman that was also working on the case with them, a young blonde named Karen Page. Curtis smiled as he talked about them, and you could hear in his voice that he believed they’d get Frank off, or at the very least, be able to reduce whatever sentence he was given if he was found guilty. “Billy offered to pay his legal fees, but ... “ Curtis shook his head, and though you winced, you had no other reaction to the use of Billy’s name. Good for me. “Frank said no, said he didn’t need a handout.” That’s not what it is, he’d do anything for Frank, anything to help, and… 

 But you knew that like Billy, Frank was a proud man, and even though Billy’s intentions were good, he’d never accept the help. Stubborn, those two. You smiled at the thought, and as Curtis left you alone in your apartment again, you thought about reaching out to Billy, seeing how he was taking the media accusing Frank of being a murderer… but again, stopped yourself. If he wanted to talk to me, he’d reach out. The trial continued, and you followed the reports - Frank’s old war buddies and superiors - including Schoonover - testifying on his behalf. Will Billy? Will he… they were together, he can vouch for how much he… You waited and watched, but Billy never took the stand, his name was never associated with Frank’s publicly.

 It was a shock to you when the trial ended with Frank being sent to prison, and though you cried on your couch for a long time after you heard the news, you knew that there was nothing you could do. That poor man. Loses his family, gets shot, has to relive it when he wakes up, goes through a trial... You couldn’t imagine Frank - a decorated and competent Marine - wasting away behind bars, living with the pain and guilt of what he’d lost for the rest of his life, and yet when you heard that he’d escaped, you were in disbelief. It wasn’t that you didn’t think that Frank was capable of breaking out of prison, but you didn’t know what he’d do next. 

 You hadn’t had to wait long, and when, in November - only a few days before his birthday - the papers reported that Frank had been killed in an explosion down on the docks, along with a bunch of other men, you felt relief. I shouldn’t feel this way. But you did - relief mixed with a numb feeling at the thought that Frank was no longer suffering, that he wasn’t chasing after ghosts or missing his family. You got drunk by yourself on your couch that night, drinking for Frank and Maria and the kids, for all of the other people that had died, and for Billy, who you knew would be taking it hard. He’d lost Frank over and over, and you knew that Frank’s confirmed death wasn’t just Billy losing a friend - he’d lost a brother, too. Hope you’re OK, Billy. 

 --- 

 It was strange to you to think about the holidays, but you didn’t want to let yourself wallow in the thought that you’d be spending them alone, so you’d set up your tree, spending a few hours stringing lights and ornaments on it, the actions reminding you of the year before - when you’d decorated, knowing Billy was thousands of miles away in the desert, and the year prior, when he’d been there to help you, hanging a few of the ornaments with his long fingers, holding the tree in place while you tightened the screws into the trunk. And he’s only a few miles away now. Even the thought sounded bitter in your head, and you shook it from side to side, trying to let it go. People get broken up with every day. You’re not special. You’re not… he had someone else with him a few months later, get over him. But you couldn’t help yourself - attaching a thin chain through the hole of Billy’s dog tag and hanging it front and center, thumb rubbing over the bottom of it, the embossed NO PREFERENCE taking on an entirely different meaning to you. 

 Thanksgiving passed - you spent it with Erin and Jack, and actually enjoyed yourself - and then you started the final push into Christmas, four events in the span of a week and a half before things slowed down, giving you a chance to catch your breath and finish up your shopping - gifts for cousins out of state, coworkers and friends … but nothing big, nothing flashy, nothing like the previous two years. You hung up the cards you’d received, placed the wrapped packages beneath your tree and remembered, trying not to think about the fact that if you were alone, it meant that Billy was, too. He doesn’t spend holidays with women, doesn’t… It was a small comfort, because you didn’t think that he’d been lying to you about it, at least not then. But you don’t know him now, you don’t … it’s been six months. 

 You kept yourself busy for Christmas, going to the movies on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, stopping in for takeout on your way home from the theater, but on New Year’s Eve, you couldn’t help yourself, taking  a cab the short distance from your apartment to Billy’s, bundled up because this year, it was snowing. This is it. Say goodbye to him. He doesn’t get to come into the new year with you. It was a nice thought - in theory - and while part of you hoped that Billy would be sitting on the top of the building in his chair, or at least standing in the shelter of the doorway, the top of the building was deserted, the snow falling around you in thick flakes. He’s not… You felt your eyes fill with tears as you stepped away from the door and toward the wall where you’d first stood with him and then had stood by yourself, again taking your place, gloved hands resting on the brickwork. It was quiet, the only sound the wind that was blowing around you, and even though you’d gotten there a little after 11 and it was much colder than it had been the two previous years, you vowed to stay until midnight - for Billy and for yourself. I hope wherever you are, Billy, you’re… You didn’t know how to finish the thought. Happy? It had likely been one of the worst years of his life, so you doubted he was happy. Not alone? You thought that he likely would be, but if he wasn’t up on the rooftop - something he’d said was tradition for him whenever he was home - you didn’t know where he could be...or who he would have been with. Curtis? You hoped that’s where he was, but didn’t know if Curtis even knew that it was Billy’s birthday. You shivered, leaning against the wall and pulling your scarf tighter around your cheeks and chin, looking out over the city. You could make out the lights through the snow; it seemed like the flakes were decreasing in intensity, and when you checked your watch, you were surprised to see that it was only a few minutes to midnight. 

 Setting an alarm, you stuck your phone back into your pocket. Ten minutes. Ten minutes to say goodbye. And you did - lowering your head and thinking about all of the moments that had led you to that night - seeing Billy from across the room, looking out of place and bored next to Emily, the way the two of you had spoken easily at The Crown that first night, the way he’d kissed you before you left him on the sidewalk, steadfast in your hesitation to go home with him. You remembered rescuing him from the bad date, remembered taking him home when he’d been drunk, sleeping next to him for the first time and waking up to his scent and the feel of Billy’s weight on the mattress next to your body. You remembered the date at the zoo, remembered going home with him and knowing that something had changed. It didn’t, though, not that day. 

 You knew that you’d been just another girl at that point, even though you’d been his friend too, but you remembered the months leading up to his first deployment after meeting you, the way you’d finally bared some of your emotions to him on the morning he’d left, the way he’d called and written to you while he was gone. You felt your knees give out and you sunk to them, the snow soaking through your jeans quickly as you remembered him surprising you at the bar, nearly dragging you to his place, the way you’d had to ground him and keep him in the present - the way he’d sounded scared to ask you if you wanted him. All of them - all of the memories overwhelmed you, but you couldn’t stop, the tears rolling down your cheeks as your body shook, hands pressed flat against the brick wall in front of you for support. Memories of Billy taking care of you while you were sick and talking about Carla, posting the picture of you to his Instagram, visiting him in the hospital after he’d been shot,  telling you about his birthday and then telling you that he loved you, the way you’d worked on opening Anvil throughout almost the entire time you’d been together, the way he’d made you feel in the days leading up to his last deployment. 

 You remembered how empty you’d felt after he walked out of the apartment, how relieved you’d been when you heard from him, the way he’d promised you things - all of the things you’d wanted to hear, telling you that it would be OK, that he’d be there for you when you needed him - just like you’d be for him. You remembered how he’d changed as he got closer to his return date; his gaunt face, the bruises, the vague answers… the way he’d scared you half to death when he called you, bloody and broken - and then showed up in your apartment again less than a week later, the changes in him forgotten as he held you again, telling you that he loved you, that he’d found a way to open Anvil, that you were about to have everything you’d ever wanted, things becoming more real when he’d shown you the facility and held you close to him for long hours against the surface of his desk. 

 But you also remembered the look in Billy’s eyes as he’d ended things with you, the way he’d clung to you in the hospital and then again at the funeral. You calmed yourself down slightly as you remembered the Anvil party, the way he’d been honest and open with you, questioning you - and then kissing you goodbye for the last time, apology and anguish and finality in the action. This is how it has to be. You opened your eyes, not even feeling the cold anymore and straightened up, eyes fixed on the wall in front of you. I won’t stop loving you, Billy, but this is how it has to be. I can’t do this to myself anymore. I won’t. You took a long, deep breath and blinked, pulling a glove off to wipe at the skin beneath your eyes. “I love you, Billy Russo. And you might not be here, but… you’re not alone on your birthday. I can still give you that.” The words were ripped away from you by the wind, and you closed your eyes, standing slowly. “Happy birthday, Billy.” Falling silent, you stared out over the city, snow still falling, and a moment later, your phone’s alarm went off, followed by the booming of fireworks across the city, the colors cutting through the clouds and the snow. 

 You stayed where you were for a few minutes after the celebration ended, slipping your hand back into your glove before you turned around, ready to head back down the stairs and catch a ride home when you froze in your tracks. Stopping only a few feet behind you, a second set of footprints was visible in the freshly fallen snow. You stepped forward, again dropping to your knees. Billy? He was? It could have been anyone - and knowing that someone had been so close to you should have scared you, but it didn’t, especially when your eyes landed on a single empty beer can stuck into the snow next to the prints. I didn’t even hear him, how did he… But it was Billy, and you knew that he was quiet when he needed to be. Why didn’t he say anything? You stood again, covering your face with your hands, and thought. I said goodbye to him tonight, I need to… he didn’t want to talk to me, he would have… 

 But you’d made up your mind and as you hurried back down the stairs, heart thudding in your chest. Taking the elevator to his floor, you exited it, knowing that you looked like hell, and not caring as you hurried toward his door, knocking quietly. There was no answer at first, and you knocked again, breathing hard. The door opened and you felt your breath catch as you saw a man’s face peeking out from behind the door. “Where’s… where’s Billy?” The man blinked, shaking his head. 

 “Who?” You furrowed your brow. “You’ve got the wrong apartment, lady.” 

 “My friend lives here, Billy? Billy Russo? He -”

 “It’s after midnight, lady. I moved in here in September, you’ve got the wrong place.” He rolled his eyes. “Your friend musta moved without tellin’ you.” Without another word he shut the door, and you heard the lock click as he turned it back into place. Billy’s… he moved? But then… You backed away from the door slowly, turning back to the elevator. Guess this really was goodbye. 

--- 

 Billy no longer living in his old building meant that aside from knowing his phone number, email, and the address for Anvil, you had no way to contact him. You had no reason to email him for work, wouldn’t show up at the warehouse unannounced and knew that calling him would do no good, so finally - with reluctance, you pushed him as far into the corner of your mind as possible. You still thought of him occasionally, but it was good memories, and the first time you’d seen an Anvil ad splashed on a billboard in the subway, you’d actually smiled, pulling your phone out and taking a picture. Billy’s face wasn’t on that one - but there were others  that you saw too, ones that were used on the company’s social media accounts that featured him prominently. You saved some of those, adding links to your portfolio so that other potential clients could see what you were capable of - and what you were proud of. 

 Billy made public appearances, too, and was on the guest list for a few of the events your company worked on, mostly for politicians, but you knew that most of their contracts were overseas, so hearing about him working jobs in the United States was rare - but you knew that it happened. As the one year anniversary of the launch party came and went - marking the last time you’d seen Billy in person - you finally felt something that wasn’t loneliness when you thought of Billy. You’d stopped waiting for his call, stopped hoping that you’d hear from him, stopped wondering if you were going to see him somewhere … and while it felt disloyal, it didn’t feel like anything you could change, and so you stuck to it. You still loved him, sure, and were reminded of that love each time you opened your storage locker and saw the box of his things that you’d scrawled “B. Russo” on in black permanent marker before tucking it away, but it had been months since you’d pulled it out and looked through it, months since you’d cried over the man that had once told you he wanted a future with you. 

 It’s just clothes. Clothes and books and… “It’s all bullshit, right Billy?” His words to you echoed in your ears, but you still didn’t think he’d been correct in saying that - though the clothes that were in the box certainly didn’t fit in with the image you knew that he preferred for himself as CEO. The pictures of the two of you and Billy’s dog tag were still in your apartment, where you felt they belonged, but as summer turned to fall again - the second one without Billy in your life, you looked at them less and less. It wasn’t that you cared any less about Billy, or didn’t want to remember what it had been like with him in your life, but the more you thought about it, the more you just didn’t see the point in trying to hold on. 

 There was no hope - he would have contacted you if there had been. There was no chance he was going to waltz back into your life in any capacity, especially not after being out of touch for almost 16 months, and while you still felt a pang when you remembered the feeling of his lips against your skin in the hallway of Anvil, or thought about the way he smelled, or heard his voice in your head in the moments you did think about him, you didn’t let yourself dwell on things. You knew that it was just a matter of time before you broke down, but you almost looked forward to it, because you’d feel something again - and aside from the happiness you felt when it came to work, your emotions had been in short supply post Billy Russo. 

 In November, your office was evacuated after a series of bombs went off in nearby buildings, sending ash and smoke throughout the rooms you occupied, and you rushed home, wanting nothing more than to lock yourself in your apartment and watch the news. You were scared - that wasn’t up for debate - and you spent the next day glued to your TV and the radio, listening as Karen Page went toe to toe with the suspected bomber on a radio show, only answering your phone when Erin called in a panic. “Hey, so I just got a call from some senator that said he got our name from... “ She paused. “From William Russo.” You felt your heart rate quicken, but Erin continued to speak before you could answer. “He wants to throw a fundraiser at the Roosevelt the day after tomorrow, and wants us to -”

 “Erin, we can’t. We don’t have the time, we’re not equipped to…” Why is Billy involved with this… why would he recommend… “We’re not even in office until they get it cleaned up, and we don’t… you’ll have to tell him no, I’m…” You swallowed, picturing Billy’s long fingers handing your card over to someone else, your name leaving his lips. No, don’t do that, don’t… “I wish we could do it, Erin, but…” You trailed off as the image on the TV screen changed, and your jaw dropped. What the fuck… “Erin, turn on the news, I…” You reached over, pushing the volume button up. “Frank Castle is…” 

 Holy shit. You hung up, leaning forward and staring at the TV, watching as a short dashcam video showed a man that appeared to be Frank Castle sliding over the hood of a car. Frank’s alive? Thoughts jumbled, you spent the rest of the day in a haze, alternating between watching the news and searching for more information online. But as darkness fell that night, you swore out loud again as you thought of Billy. What does… Does Billy know… did he… did Frank… why… Thoughts completely scattered, you paced your living room for an hour, thinking. Frank being alive changed a lot of things, and while you were almost positive that he hadn’t had anything to do with the bombings, you didn’t know what kind of state of mind he’d be in, especally if the other rumors you’d read about were at all true. 

 You slept - fitfully - and when you woke up the next day, it was more of the same, watching the news, trying to get work done from home, and wanting desperately - for the first time in months - to call Billy, if only to hear his voice. You can’t do that. You knew it, but it still wasn’t easy to stick to it, and when, the following day, the news of another bombing - this time at the Roosevelt Hotel - made the news, you collapsed onto your couch, TV remote clutched in your hands. We would have been there. We would have… Eyes wide, you leaned back, covering your face. This is fucked. You slept that night with Billy’s dog tag in one hand, fingers closed around it tightly, and dreamed of his eyes, of his voice in your ear telling you everything would be OK. 

 Late the next afternoon, there was a knock on your door, and even though you didn’t want to see anyone, you moved to answer it. It only took you a few seconds to make it from your kitchen to the door, but the knocking continued. With a frown, you checked the peephole, seeing an unfamiliar woman standing in front of your door. Who the hell? You cracked it, making sure the chain was still attached, and peeked through the opening. “Can I help you?” The woman said your name, her dark eyes locked on yours and you nodded, confused. “Yes?”

 “My name is Dinah Madani, I’m the acting Special Agent in Charge with New York’s Homeland Security department… may I come in?” She held up a badge and offered you a tight smile. “I just have a few questions.” 

 “About Frank?” You spoke without thinking and swore to yourself, trying to keep your face neutral. “I haven’t seen him since before his last deployment, so -” The woman laughed, but it was a bitter sound. 

 “No. Not about Frank. About Billy Russo.” The numb feeling returned as soon as the woman said his name, but you heard in her voice that this wasn’t just a job for her. What did you do, Billy? “May I come in?” You stepped back, closing the door without saying anything, and removed the chain, reopening it to see the petite woman’s full body. “Thank you.” 

 “Can I get you something to drink?” You turned away from her, stepping toward the kitchen. “I have -”

 “Water would be great.” You heard Dinah’s voice from behind you, and after grabbing two bottles from your refrigerator, you returned to your living room, seeing the woman standing in front of your bookshelves, where a picture of you and Billy was still displayed. “When was this taken?” You knew what picture it was - could have given her the exact date, but chose not to. That’s my memory. “It was…” You stepped closer to her, holding the bottle out to her. She took it and then you reached past her, picking the frame up and looking down at it. “Before he deployed the last time, so… January...the year before last?” You shrugged, setting it back down on the shelf. “It was a long time ago.” 

 “If it was such a long time ago, why do you still have it out?” She turned to face you, her eyes narrowed. ‘Are you and Russo -”

 “No.” You lowered yourself onto your chair and gestured toward the couch, taking a long drink of water. “No, Billy and I aren’t anything anymore.” You watched her face for a reaction but there wasn’t one. “He and I split up last spring, pretty close to when he got back home from…” You closed your eyes. Don’t lie to her, but don’t tell her anything, either. “My company - we plan events - did the party for Anvil’s grand opening, but that was the last time I saw him in person, and that was a year and a half ago.” 

 “Were you two together long?” Dinah leaned closer to you, lips pressed together lightly. “You and Russo, how’d you meet? Did you -”

 “With all due respect, Agent Madani, I have no problem answering your questions about my past relationship with Billy, but I’m curious as to why you’re asking.” You frowned, tilting your head to the side. “I haven’t seen or talked to him in more than a year, and I don’t know what you think I can help you with now.” You shook your head. “He’s got his company and I’ve got mine, and he’s referred clients to us, I know that for a fact because they’ve told me, but it’s been -”

 “You knew Frank Castle, too?” She cut you off, setting her shoulders. “Did you know he was alive?” What? 

 “I saw him on the news the other day, if that’s what you mean, but I… I thought he died last year, when that boat exploded, and…” You shook your head. “Billy and I broke up, and then Frank’s family, and…” You heard the tremor in your voice, fighting to keep it under control. “Actually, I’d rather not talk to you about how Billy and I met or go into details about how long we were together, but it was a serious relationship.”

 “To you, at least.” She scoffed. “I know Billy Russo, and I know that…” No you don’t. She turned her head, looking toward your balcony. “He’s a good liar.” You sucked in a breath, unable to stop yourself, and Dinah smiled, the look in her eyes cold. “You know it’s true.” In that moment, you knew that her visit was personal, that something had happened between her and Billy, and from her interest in your relationship with him, you could guess what that something had been. “And you haven’t seen him?”

 “Billy?” She nodded. “No, I already told you that, I haven’t seen him since Anvil’s launch party, except on TV and on those billboards.” Your words were guarded, and you stared at Madani, eyes moving over her. “Did he do s-”

 “He’s done a lot of things.” She stood, setting her unopened bottle of water down onto your table. “And he’s about to pay for them.” What? What does that mean? “You’re lucky that he left you when he did, otherwise…” She paused, smiling at you. “Otherwise he would have gotten you involved in all of this.” All of this? What? “I wonder how many lies he told you.” She scoffed, shaking her head, brown curls bouncing with the motion. “Everything he says is a lie, did you know that?” 

 “Agent Madani.” You took a drink of your water, pausing before you swallowed, never taking your eyes off of her. Don’t give her what she wants. “When Billy and I were together, I never had any reason to believe that he was lying to me - about anything.” Except what he was doing over in Afghanistan. “I knew what his reputation was, I knew what he was like, and I…” You glanced down and then looked back at her. “It didn’t matter to me. And it still doesn’t. It wasn’t a bad breakup, it wasn’t a fight, it wasn’t… we’re just not together anymore, and that’s it.” You stood, noting the frustrated look on her face. What, did she think we were going to bond over things ending with him? “I know nothing about whatever he’s got going on now.” Deciding to be honest with her, you took a deep breath. “I loved him, and I thought that… I thought a lot of things, I guess. But we broke up, Agent Madani, and that’s all I can tell you. I have nothing bad to say about him, so if there’s nothing else, I’ll ask you to leave. I can’t help you.” And even if I could, I wouldn’t. 

 “I’ll leave you my card.” She looked you up and down before reaching into her back pocket for her wallet, holding out the thin, white placard to you. “If you think of anything, or if he calls you or comes here, let me know.” She smiled at you, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “We both know a thing or two about what it feels like to be -”

 “Have a good day, Agent Madani.” It was your turn to cut her off, stepping to your door and pulling it open. “The elevator on the right is slow, so if that one comes first, you might want to wait for the other one.” She chuckled, wrinkling her nose as she walked past you and to the door. 

 “He’s not a good guy.” She turned to look at you after taking a few steps into the hallway. “You don’t need to protect him.” You bit your lip, shaking your head. You’re wrong. 

 “There’s nothing to protect.” She stared at you for a few seconds and then turned and walked away, her heels clicking against the floor. Shutting the door, you turned the lock and then pressed your back against it, closing your eyes. What are you doing, Billy? What’s going on?  You moved through your apartment for the rest of the night, restless and wondering why Billy would have jumped into bed with someone like Madani, and ended up dragging out your tree and Christmas decorations, staying up until early morning decorating before you fell into bed and passed out, the thin piece of metal held in your hand again. 

 You met with Erin at your office the next afternoon, surveying the damage and the cleanup, and it was decided that you’d be able to return at the end of the week at the latest. Some time off will be nice. You’d still be planning the events that you were working on, but you had nothing scheduled until the beginning of December, and could work just as well from home as you could in office. You were kidding yourself, though, when you said that you were going to get work done, because all you could think about was Frank and Billy, about Madani, wondering what exactly was going on. I’ll never know, I won’t… they don’t… You got another night of fitful sleep, spending the day napping and trying to focus on work, but when there was another knock on your door, you welcomed the distraction, even though you had no idea who it was. Sighing, you pulled the door open without checking first, the chain only allowing you a few inches of visibility. “Yeah?”

 “Can I come in?” Your hand froze on the knob and you raised your eyes to look into the hallway, your breath catching. Billy. “I-” You shut the door all the way and undid the chain, opening it fully. It’s been too long, he… He was carrying a box, his arms wrapped around it and without saying anything else, he stepped into your apartment, moving over to your kitchen table and setting it down, shaking his arms out and letting the duffel bag he had over his shoulder fall to the floor with a dull thunk. You watched him flinch, your eyes moving over his figure without shame. I’ve missed you so much. He seemed taller and leaner than you remembered, his hair messy and slightly overgrown, beard thick. He looks so tired. “I know I shouldn’t be here.” He turned to face you, looking you up and down. “But I had to…” He closed his eyes. “I needed…”

 “It’s been…” You stopped, hearing how strained your voice sounded. “How…” You could feel your heart pounding in your chest as the two of you stared at each other, Billy’s eyes wide but focused, and you fought to stay in place, to not run the few feet to him. Why are you here? “Billy.” You finally said his name and the single word drove him into action, Billy taking a few steps toward you but stopping before he actually touched you, his arms hanging by his sides. Up close, you could see that he was, in fact exhausted, but the look in his eyes didn’t match the rest of him; you saw regret, an agony that you’d never seen before from him. “Are you... ?” He smiled at you, lowering his head, but didn’t answer for long moments, giving you a chance to make the first move. Fuck it. 

 You reached forward with both hands, one of them automatically going to his cheek and the fingers of the other hand pushing through his hair and urging it back into place. It was as soft as ever, but instead of looking up at you, Billy kept looking down, his hands not moving. You were both quiet, the hand in his hair moving slowly through it as a thousand thoughts ran through your mind, questions that you wanted answered. He’s here, but it doesn’t mean he’s staying. “I missed… missed you touchin’ me.” He finally looked up, meeting your eyes. “I wanted to…” He stopped again, turning his head to kiss the palm of your hand, and you sucked in a breath at the feel of his lips against your skin. “Goddammit.” He swore quietly but didn’t move. 

 “Do you want to sit, Billy? We don’t need to -”

 “If I sit, I won’t want to get up, and I need to… I got somewhere to be.” He drew his lower lip into his mouth, eyes shining. “Somewhere important to be, an’ my word… it still...” He took another step forward and you didn’t back away, your hand dropping to his shoulder and the other one curved around the back of his head. “I got so much I want to tell you.” So tell me. Tell me, Billy. “But I can’t, there’s no time. There’s no more goddamn time, and I…” He reached up, fingertips hovering over your cheek and you nodded once, never looking away from his eyes. With your permission, he touched you, his right arm wrapping around your waist and the left pulling your head toward his, urging your bodies to meet. 

 He held you tightly and you clung to him, trying to make up for seventeen months of no contact in the span of a few seconds, but he didn’t pull away when you expected him to, instead tightening his hold on you. “Billy, what -”

 “I couldn’t come until I knew it was safe…” He spoke the words without moving away from you, his chin moving against your shoulder. “You don’t… you were… I couldn’t risk it, I needed to know…” You didn’t understand, but didn’t interrupt him either, trying to commit every second of him to memory. “None of it was…” He straightened up, saying your name. “Look at me.” You did as he asked, your hands moving to his arms, sliding down and over the material of the black quarter zip he wore. “None of it mattered. None of it was… none of it was what I wanted, do you understand me? None of it.” You didn’t, not fully, but you nodded. “I did a lot of bad shit, but you weren’t - they weren’t ever supposed to be a part of it, and then they were, and I had to…” He shook his head. “It’ll all make sense soon enough, I promise, but you gotta know that I had to do it for you. There was never any other choice for me, not even…” Billy was talking quickly, as if the words pained him to say them, but he was staring into your eyes, the look in them serious. “They’re all dead now, none of ‘em can get to - that’s why I came here.”

 “Who? Dead? I don’t -”

 “Schoonover. Wolf. Morty Bennett. Rawlins.” Billy said the last name as if the word was poison and you gasped at the word, grip on him tightening. “All of ‘em, and it’s just me. Just me an’ Frankie left, and…” What? “And that’s...that’s it.” You stared up at Billy, waiting, but he didn’t say anything else. 

 “I missed you, Russo.” It was the only thing you could think to say, and it was the truth. “I didn’t want to admit it, wouldn’t call or come to find you, but I... “ He watched you silently. “I went to your building last New Year’s, Billy, for your birthday, and I, I said goodbye to you, because I didn’t…”

 “You were wearin’ your blue coat and that gray scarf.” He smiled at you, his fingers sliding along your hips, thumbs extended upwards on your sides. “I saw you, I watched you - watched you kneelin’ on the ground and crying.” You felt the tears fill your eyes as you nodded at him. “I heard you tell me you loved me, tell me happy birthday.” 

 “Why didn’t you -”

 “I wanted to. I should have.” Billy wet his lips. “But I couldn’t. It wasn’t… I shouldn’t have even gone there, after movin’, but I couldn’t help it. I knew you’d be there, knew you’d… you’ll understand, soon.” Billy’s grip on you tightened. “I’ve lied about a lot of things, you know?” Confused, you nodded. “But the biggest lie? The one I regret havin’ to tell the most? It’s you.” 

 “What?” He blinked down at you, waiting, and you watched as he collected his thoughts. 

 “When I said I never loved you? We both knew - both know that was a lie.” He sniffed, never looking away from you. “I loved you too much. And they figured it out, and they…” He cut himself off as he heard the beeping of his watch. “Fuck. God-fucking-dammit.” You heard the anger in his voice. “I have to…” Billy took a deep breath, shaking his head. “All I ever wanted was to give you… an’ now all I have to give you is the truth, even though it’s…” His eyes flicked over to the table. “I gotta go. I gotta go and…” But he didn’t move away from you, and you moved first again, your arms going around his neck so that you could hug him tightly, Billy’s hands sliding beneath your shirt and against your back, his touch filling you with warmth. 

 “Billy, whatever’s going on, you can, we can, just…” You knew what you wanted to say to him, but couldn’t get the words out, not wanting to pull away from his chest to look at him, even though that’s all you wanted. “I know, I know, Billy, you…” He said your name again, looking down at you with a sad smile on his face. 

 “You gotta let me go, alright? That’s what I need now, because…” He leaned in, breath warm on your cheek. “I need to know you’re gonna be -” Gonna be what, Billy? His watch beeped again, and Billy froze. “You gotta let me go.” You kissed him first, rising onto your toes to press your lips against his, and it was everything you’d hoped it would be. The kiss at Anvil had been quick and hard, but this one was different. It started with a gentle touch to his lips, his short nails scratching over your lower back as he touched you, but it quickly intensified, you tilting your head to the side and parting your lips when you felt his tongue moving against them, his slow sigh causing his body to relax under your grip. I can’t let you go, Billy. I won’t. 

 You didn’t know how long you stood there with him, wrapped up in his arms in your living room, but every second was worth it - the taste of him on your tongue, the feel of him beneath your fingers, the way that he was kissing you as if there hadn’t been any time since the last one. You still knew each other well physically, the kiss growing more intimate by the second, and when Billy finally pulled away, he was breathing hard, hair hanging over his eye again. “You’re leaving.” It wasn’t a question, and he nodded as an answer, still staring at you. “That was… goodbye?” He nodded again. “How many times are you gonna -”

 “This is it. The last time. I promise.” Billy leaned in again, taking your lower lip between his teeth and biting down. “You didn’t deserve what I did to you, but I had to do it for you. No matter what they say about me, you need to know that.” Who’s going to say anything, Billy? I don’t understand. “I gotta go. I can’t…” He stepped back, bringing one hand up to run his knuckles against your cheek, one side of his jaw twitching. “I …” He turned away from you, walking back to the table and bending over to pick up the bag, slinging the strap back over his shoulder. You were stuck in place, staring at him as he moved. Say something, don’t let him go, don’t let him walk out. He stepped closer to the door and then paused again, turning to look at you over his shoulder. 

 You took the few steps necessary to reach him, hands clenched into fists in frustration. Billy said your name, the expression in his eyes softer than you’d ever seen it. “Yeah?” 

 “What were… what were you gonna say to me if you called me? Or if you came to my place? Or if I’d said somethin’ to you on the roof?” 

 “That I loved you. That I missed you, that whatever was going on -”

 “Do you still?” You answered him with no hesitation. 

 “Yes. Yes, Billy, I still love you.” He lowered his head, but you saw that he was smiling - and it looked genuine. “I always will.” He looked back up at you, and you were startled at the expression on his face, the pain you felt at seeing it flooring you. “Billy…” He said your name one more time and then he was gone, the door slamming behind him. You stood in place for a few seconds and then moved, reopening the door and looking for him, though you knew that he’d already be long gone - like he was never really there in the first place. 

 But as you closed the door gently, a smear of red on your left hand caught your attention, and you brought it closer to your face, catching a whiff of copper. Blood? He was bleeding? You glanced down, seeing that there was more blood on your shirt, likely where his arm had wrapped around you. Oh, Billy. What did you get yourself into? Turning away from the door, your eyes landed on the box that he’d left on your table, causing you to take a deep breath. What the fuck is in that box? Stepping over to it on your way to the sink, you placed your clean hand on top of it, thinking. No. I won’t open it yet. He came back to me… maybe he’ll… I’ll give him a chance to do it again. 

 But Billy didn’t come back that night - even though you sat awake on your couch, staring at the door for hours, long after you’d washed his blood from your skin and changed into a clean shirt. 

---

Tag List:

If you want to be added or removed, reach out and let me know!

General:

@the-blind-assassin-12​​ @its-my-little-dumpster-fire​​ @obscurilicious​​ @sweetybuzz25​​ @suchatinyinfinity​​ @lexxierave​​ @gollyderek​​ @poindexted @ificouldhelpyouforget​​ @elanor-of-imladris​​ @thesandbeneathmytoes​​ @luminex3​​ @geeksareunique​​ @weallhaveadestiny​​ @mfackenthal​​ @thesumofmychoices​​ @yannii04​​ @beautiful-thinking​​ @drinix​​ @agentlingerie  @blah-blah-fuckit-shit​​  @dreams-with-thoughts​​  @wangmangagavroche​​ @traeumerinwitzhelden​​ @jigsawlover10​​ @malionnes​​​  @addictedtofictionalcharacters​

Billy Russo:

@nananananananananananabatman​​ @damalseer​​ @benbarnestongue @chibiyanai​​ @life-is-a-melody​​ @songtoyou​​ @thisisparadisemylove​​ @littlemermaidprobz​​ @weirdowithnobeardo​​

He’s Not Here ONLY:

@breanime​​​

Uncategorized:

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[faejilly]

I was tagged by @la-muerta​ & @facialteeth​ & @thedivinemissema​ for the WIP/Title Game

rules: post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. send me an ask with the title that most intrigues you and interests you and i’ll post a little snippet of it or tell you something about it!

AND THEN  by @shadoedseptmbr​ @msviolacea​ & @ravenclawnerd​ for the “stories you want to write... but for some reason haven’t yet”

so this will be a mish-mash of both? The WIPs will mostly have blurbs in this case (to fit the second meme) but you are still welcome to ask follow-up questions, if you’d like ;) Assuming you make it through the list, it is uh. Not Short.

Anyone who would like to play with their WIPs, please consider yourself tagged in either or both of these. :D

Misc Fic Folder:

“untitled document” - where I’m working on fictober fills so I have word-counts for my GYWO tracker. I am not working on these because Brains Are Dumb and also Going Back To Work Is Exhausting

I made a file called “YULETIDE!” which has nothing in it but I’m determined to finish this year so that is definitely technically a thing in the Unending WIP List of Doom worth mentioning. (Tho obviously that’s all I could say even if I had started, because anonymous.)

“coda-fics, rewatch!” -yes, that exclamation mark is important! it’s to keep me motivated! (it didn’t work). Much like untitled, this is for putting stuff so I can do word count tracking even if I don’t know what I’m doing. Currently I think it just says “MARYSE” because I was working on my SH 1x6 coda-fic and then got distracted and haven’t typed anything up yet. (Yay notebooks? Boo notebooks? Not even sure at this point.)

WNIP (works not in progress) Folder:

“TOG” - I had one vivid mental image of how Nicky & Joe met (blood-stained evil smiles?) but then no idea for a follow-up story and also the fandom is insane and I’m not sure I want to deal with all of *gestures vaguely* all that

“Shan Xia Notes” -for a TTRPG that never quite got off the ground; she was a semi-tragic selkie who was still in love with the evil queen/lady who stole her skin and I got to play her for like one session and she was surprisingly chaotic neutral, which wasn’t at all what I’d been expecting. But the game never really got off the ground, so I never had enough info to really delve into writing backstory fic

“post-Kruschev” -Kruschev’s List was the last episode of Scarecrow & Mrs King, and I was debating writing an epilogue in place of the s5 we never got, to try and tie up some loose ends, but the fandom’s three old-ladies in trench coats and I never quite worked up the gumption to get it anywhere

“Code Realize warm as silk sequel” -there is literally nothing in this file except “SEX! Only a little angst” because I wanted to write some “we can’t actually touch each other” smut but never actually did. 🤷‍♀️

BioWare (also all Not-In-Progress Anymore)

“seb/adelaide”, “Theia” & “DAI Erana” -these WIP folders were cannibalized for ficlets for the last few times I did fictober, and while originally I had ideas for longer epilogues for all three of them, at this point I don’t think any of the remaining bits could support a story any longer.

”whispers in the dark” -Maia Ryder never really got much fic at all; the cancellation of any further Andromeda stuff was really disheartening, and at this point I’d have to play the game again, and I don’t think I’m gonna manage that any time soon

”TSP” -a Mass Effect 3 Shepard AU collab project that kind of went off the rails, and our mutual brains/lives never quite seem to line up so we can try and rebuild it ”Ngaio & Tane” -my one truly ruthless Shepard (Alliance background, who romanced Traynor) whose father Tane Shepard was, I think, in PsyOps, and I wanted to figure out their complicated relationship but never really did know where I was going with it

”JE Zu & Yaling” -so I’ve rambled about my Tragic Sagacious Zu Romance Thoughts regarding Jade Empire more than once (#Icy Yaling should have most of it) but apparently I want to yell about it more than I want to actually write it? Whoops.

”CI sequel: 5 times fic?” -Cruel Intentions is a kinkmeme fill that I started and then it sat for like five years before I actually finished it, and I liked the ending, but it does leave a giant fucking question mark in terms of how those people got from there to where they are after the game, and I kind of wanted to write a proper h/c fic rather than just... leaving them wallowing in all that trauma?

But I didn’t. I don’t even remember for sure how I wanted to frame the 5/1 of it all, besides it being something sad about allowing people to see you or touch you in some way. (Prayers maybe, since I think there was definitely some Sebastian & Fenris & faith stuff going on in there.)

“candles” -Merribela prompt fill that I never was happy with? Not sure what I might do with it at this point, so it’s just sitting there all sad and lonely and neglected-like.

Shadowhunters

pt1: WIP LIST ONLY

“Persuasion” -so I keep trying to write Persuasion AUs in many fandoms because it’s my favorite Austen, but I think I like it too much, I have no real solid concept of how I’d transform it, and if I don’t have anything else to say about different characters within that framework, I have no push to actually write anything? Also this SH version of it suffered from MASSIVE scope creep when I started outlining and it got too big for me to handle so I like, killed it twice? Whoops. This one is really probably never gonna happen.

“oosdt sequel” -I wanted to write more about the Forest That Eats People and Magnus & Alec as Guardians Between Worlds, and also some background Magnus’ Found Family & Lightwood Family Feels (maybe some clizzy?) and I left a Madzie plot-thread dangling from the first one on purpose even but I think this one had too many ideas and not enough focus so it’s sort of sprawling all over a doc with a lot of “???” in it

“procedural-ish” -this was originally going to be a sex-farce. and then it turned more serious. and then maybe kind of copaganda which was uncomfortable in terms of the Everything That Is The News in 2020, and then maybe it was more a Mafia AU and at that point I had self-inflicted tone whiplash and I wished the voices in my head were a little more forthcoming about their plans so I stopped before I brained myself on my computer monitor in frustration.

“I had rather a rose than live forever” -I started a reverse!verse Malec (Shadowhunter!Magnus, High Warlock!Alec) for bingo last year, and I couldn’t quite get it together in time, so I made a moodboard inspired by the bits I’d started instead. I may see if one of my prompts from Bingo this year help me finish it?

“fall fright fest (practical magic  au)” -exactly what it says on the tin! almost exactly a year old & neglected! IDEK ANYMORE (I talked about this one with the WIP meme last time tho: here)

“priest!kink theology?” -I thought it was gonna be smut? I like priest!kink. I have made other people like it and yell at me even! But then I kept diverging into demon!Magnus thinking about Priest!Alec’s faith and as usual, IDEK ANYMORE *laughs*

(If they’re remotely canon-adjacent or divergent, a bunch of these are in here because I need to rewatch the show to get the pacing/timing/tone right and I haven’t, and I don’t know why, because I enjoy the show, but BRAINS! Are Dumb! So I guess that’s it?)

“I do” -I have tried to write this damnable Malec arranged marriage fic like six different times. I have signed up for fic exchanges and bangs with it, I have rewritten massive sections, trying to change tone or structure or POV or whatever, and it basically comes down to they like each other too fast and I keep not gutting it enough to get back to a useful pace, but by the time I realized that I was on take six and kind of sick of it. I may get back to it eventually

“wing!fic” -canon divergent in early s1, trying to deal with the consequences of Simon’s kidnapping as the Truly Serious Event that it should have been. It uh. Got heavier than I expected with those consequences (considering it was originally just supposed to be Alec’s wings flirting with Magnus) and also see above re: rewatching for pacing.

“2x20 aftermath/date night/pandemonium porn“ -yes that is the actual wip title. It used to be “spite fic” because I was originally inspired by fighting against a lot of fic!Alec characterization that was clearly based more on the books and ATG syndrome than the Alec in the show, which is the Alec I know and like and want to read about. BUT, pacing and etc. again, I think. Also I have somehow entirely lost my knack for writing porn, which makes it difficult to finish something originally intended to be smut!fic. Or even teasing almost!smut.

“rubbish heap” -so this is about three different fics that I realized complemented each other really well so they’re now all in the same file as I try to turn them into the sequel of “with an if in its soul”. It includes amnesia, parabatai lore shenanigans, a s3 rewrite, and some truly awful Owl adjustments that make me wince in horrified authorly delight and pain. BUT, as with the other ones in this file, the scope is large and I normally write short-fic and I kind of just threw up my hands in exasperation. I may have to break it back up into the three different fics instead, if I ever actually want to write it. Them? But also I need to take better notes on s3 to make sure I have what I need in here.

SH Pt 2: Started posting or not yet in hiatus because it’s actually almost ready to be a thing in the real world! maybe!?

“kisses (firsts)” -I actually started publishing this one, a “series of firsts” that was supposed to be kind of relationship milestones and kind of an excuse for smut, and then there wasn’t that much smut and I lost momentum and also dear lords & ladies the timeline is stupid, wtf. I may not ever add to this one, tbqh. It doesn’t stop in a terrible place, and they’re all ficlets so they stand alone all right.

“clizzy epilogue” -this is blank atm, it’s more a reminder for me to keep poking away at my “girls who can’t breathe air, only fire” collection BECAUSE I WOULD LIKE TO ACTUALLY GET TO THE CLIZZY AT SOME POINT

"mer!alec" -pts 2-4 of a series, but apparently having an actual plan gets in the way of me *writing* the thing, and I haven't managed to throw the half an outline far enough away from my brain to be able to write again. Or something like that.

"ibhww" -if broken hearts were whole is a soulmate fic I started a million years ago, and purposefully set aside to finish some other WIPs because I thought they'd be quick, and now it's just buried under two and a half years of regret and shame so it's hard to get back to it

"iafy" -i am for you is a delightful & frothy semi-epistolary fluff piece that also just lost momentum because Life & 2020 & etc. It's far and away the most popular thing I've ever posted on AO3, which also makes me feel weird sometimes, and I feel like the fact that there's no grand conclusion planned, just a bit more fluff and settling in, might end up being disappointing? Basically, it's the first time I think I've psyched myself out about reader expectations, and until I get over that I'm going to have trouble finishing the last couple chapters. (There really are probably only two more chapters though. IT’S SO CLOSE, I wish I could just... write it. And yet?)

“fake-hating” -I do not like fake dating as a trope that much, I just do not get it, but I love outside POVs and arranged marriages and there’s this delighful tumblr post about how they wished there was more fic about people who were together but had to pretend they werent’, and uh. This may be that? Eventually? I’m not exhausted by my failure to finish it yet, so it’s still in the regular folder rather than the hiatus folder, even though nothing’s been posted for it.

AND I THINK THAT’S IT?

Not as terrible as it could be, but still. MANY WORDS THAT MAY NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY. Posting the equivalent of one’s old ratty sketchbook is always a weird feeling. :D

[the-canary]

Good Intentions - B.B (Epilogue)

Summary: What if everyone knew except the two of you? Accepting it might be the hardest thing of all though. (Reader/Biker!Bucky Barnes) 

Prompt: Biker AU! + @polaroid-idiocity ‘s biker!bucky and mechanic!reader request.

A/N: this is for @quantumarvel ‘s writing challenge.  thank you for reading and i hope you enjoy the ending. 

“Are you sure about this?”

Blue meets blue, as Steve sighs. Bucky sits on the couch with a large duffle bag in front of him. On top of it were papers signed by Nick Fury himself -- witness protection and all that. It would be the best thing for him in the long run, is what he had been told as they found what else Rumlow might have hidden.

However, it didn’t feel like that for Bucky. He knew where he wanted to be and it wasn’t in the middle of nowhere anymore. There was a pretty gal waiting for him, but even he couldn’t get through the bureaucracy that came with all this. Even if he wanted a future for his own, it would be something that he needed to do.

“Gotta do it, Stevie,” Bucky sighs out and lets someone else do whatever they want with him.

———–

You should have realized that with all the regrets and trauma that Bucky held on his shoulders, that something like this was bound to happen. Maybe, you were just hoping that it wouldn’t be so soon.

Dear…

You glance at the letter once more before ripping it and throwing it into the trash can. As James decides to run and hide away, to find his true self and what he had lost, you wish him luck but you don’t have that type of luxury.

You have to keep moving and getting back to where you once more. You couldn’t keep going on with your own regrets, even if it was only him.

I promise--

Bucky Barnes belonged locked in the back of your head once more.

———–

“You know,” Steve starts off on the phone while waiting for a certain person to have lunch with him, “I heard they’ve caught most of Rumlow’s gang that was left. Fury says that they’re all looking at some hard time.”

The man on the other side doesn’t say anything, as he already knows that once Steve gets an idea in his head, there was no stopping him. Bucky would have to watch the aftermath from afar -- whatever it was going to be.  It happens closer than expected, as the deli’s front door jingles and a man wearing glasses walks straight up to his table.

“Captain Rogers?” a voice causes Steve to end the call early with a hurried goodbye, as brown eyes meet blue ones.

“Mr. Stark,” Steve grins and gets up to shake hands with the man he has heard so much about from his dear friend.

“Now, now,” Tony starts off as he takes a seat across  from Steve, “What can we do to help my best engineer?”

———–

An undisclosed amount of time later.

“Hey, kid. I think you’ve been running yourself ragged,” Tony mention during one of his impromptu visits. You just give him a glance from your current project before turning on the blow torch once more, “I think you need a vacation. Maybe, somewhere woodsy. Pepper and I have a cabin update--”

“I’m not taking a break in your cabin, Tony,” you remark, looking up again once more. Tony smiles and pops another blueberry into his mouth. His eyes crinkle and there’s a glimmer in his eyes that tells you that this isn’t up for negotiation.

That what leads you in the car, driving upstate near the lakeside cabin that belonged to the Starks. Now, it wasn’t their family cabin, but one of the smaller ones on the property that they owned. It was only a few miles from the closest town, but still woodsy enough that most people couldn’t get there once the road started to narrow.

It wasn’t the most ideal place for someone who lived mostly with tech on a 24/7 basis, but you could see why someone like Tony, and possibly yourself needed it. The air was surely fresher than what you were used to back in New York, as you took a step out of the car and walked the stone steps that lead to the large cabin.

At least it didn’t smell like it was burning. You would be much happier without having to deal with--

It’s burning. You’re trapped. You hear Steve screaming your name.

You let out an unsteady breath, before moving to the lower part of the pathway that leads directly to the lake. Maybe, this was a mistake because work got your mind off of the dark rumbling it still seemed to have -- of Bucky, and Rumlow and even of the ghost (redheaded and lovely, just like in the story James had told you that one night before he disappeared) that seemed to haunt you.

Tony had paid for all your medical expenses (both physical and mental health-related) once he was told everything that had happened. Steve and Sam had been supportive in their own ways as well, but it wasn’t the same.

Regret, loss, and fear were things that bubbled up and there was only one person that could understand you in that sort of way. The only other person that had been destroyed by Rumlow the same way you had wasn’t anywhere around you anymore.

However, as you notice the man standing lakeside with longer hair and a motorcycle by his side --the one that Bucky had told you he had once-- you couldn’t help but feel joyful but apprehensive all at the same time.

You briefly wonder who you’ll have to punch out after all this as well, before taking slower steps to towards the lake.

———–

“Bucky?”

He hears all a soft voice call his name and he can’t help but shudder at the thought that she is right behind him. Bucky hadn’t seen her in quite a while and when Steve has finally told him the plan -- how this thing might be permanent for both of them if she wanted it to be. Well, Bucky’s imagination ran wild.

Bucky had dreamed of finally letting his truest emotions show -- of kissing her and spending the days just walking around the lake. Steve and Sam could come to visit and they could ride around. She would be by his side as the wind caught them -- for once finally free and loving. Hell, she could finally teach him how to build that one engine they had always talked about back in his Pa’s garage.

Time was all his now, all he needed to do what makes the effort to push forward.

“Hey Kit-Kat,” he states with a shy smile, trying the new nickname out was harder than he thought it was going to be, but it was his reminder -- that he still remembered everything they had gone through but also opened to a sweeter future together.

She made a face at the nickname before shaking her head and dropping her bag. Her strides her long as she starts running down the pathway. Bucky can’t help but grin and meet her halfway. She lunges herself into his arms and Bucky just holds her there. He lets it sink in that this is all real and finally happening.

He can stop chasing ghosts and living with regrets. He had been trying his hardest to do so since that night in the hospital, but it was always a day-to-day struggle.  

Sometimes, the best of intentions and wished to lead down a painful and bitter path, Bucky knows that. However, they also added life experience that people could say: I survived that. It wasn’t always the best thing to say or think about, it was a sort of a day to day thing.

It was for both of them.

But, with the sun shining on the lake, the chill in the air, and familiar face hiding due to his black jacket (though he was sure that there was going to be a lot of explaining later on), Bucky was sure that this was one of the better days.

And he sincerely hoped that they kept going with her and this new life, more of a reworking of the old one, he had a chance with once more.    

[wingsoffireaus]

Fanfiction Recommendations

Just a few of my personal favorite Wings of Fire fanfictions. I'm going to try and keep them organized but no promises.

Also please give these fics love by leaving a review. They are honestly really good and lot of them have like maybe five reviews at the most. I'm trying to get better at leaving reviews myself. It is so important to make sure they know it is being enjoyed by others.

If anyone has a fic they don't see on here let me know since I might have forgotten it or not read it yet. Thank you and enjoy!

Shipping

Healed by @sandshadow

Summary: Flame has a lot of issues and has been sent away to the healing center in the Sky Kingdom to deal with them. The last dragons he expected, or wanted, to see there were Umber and Sora. As Flame spends more time in the healing center, and with Umber, he starts to heal in more ways than one. But can he overcome the hate that's been growing in him for so long? T for coarse language.

A personal favorite of mine. And Flumber has quickly become a favorite pairing of mine in this fandom. The only problem I have is there's not a lot of Flumber outside of this fic. But that's okay since there has been an addition to the lore (is that the right word here?) of the fic with an adorable two-shot that takes place a little bit after the events of this fic.

But on other news it's honestly just a good character piece as well. Umber and Flame get great focus and we also get to see Sora again. And there's therapy. Honest to goodness these characters are getting therapy. Praise the Moon's!!!!

10/10 will read again. (Honestly its become one of my therapy fics that I read when I get upset. 😆)

Embracing Peril by Ilral (for the life of me I couldn't find out if there was a Tumblr for them so please let me know so I can add it onto this post.)

Summary: Peril always knew she was different, of course, but it still surprised her just how many ways the world came up with to make her distant. Oh well, at least Clay is here now to buoy her up. And they might just have more in common than she realizes...

A pretty good Cleril fic that deals with a lot of potential prejudices the dragon society might have. A lot of these aren't my headcanons but I can still appreciate the work that went into the fic. And the characters are written pretty well. I like seeing Clay and Peril as an established couple.

A perfect example of it being possible to enjoy a fic even if you don't necessarily share all of the same headcanons as the author.

How to Dance with Rainwings by @quasimagical

Summary: Deathbringer had never anticipated the harsh reality of being pushed away by the love of his life. But when the RainWing queen presents him with a new assignment, he finds himself trapped in the middle of an even more puzzling predicament. AU.

OMG. It's a Jambringer fic. Honestly this one is really cute and I totally ship it. Just a warning Glorybringer isn't the only ship the author breaks up. And while I personally don't ship all the ships they went with I'm the type of person who can still roll with it. Haha.

Another issue is it actually has not been finished but from what I've heard the author does plan on picking it up again sooner or later. But it's definitely worth a read. It's good to see a Deathbringer fic where he is actually treated as a character and not... Well you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Anyway give it a read and review! It's worth it. :)

The Prince and the Body Guard by @a-croissant (based off of their bio on ffnet so hopefully that's right.)

Summary: A oneshot between Turtle and Pike. When Turtle notices that Anemone gets rid of Pike, and Pike runs away, he decides to go after him.

That's right it's a Pike/Turtle one shot. Low key this is really cute. That's kind of all I have to say about it. I ship it and it's adorable.

Character Fics

Winter: A Character Study/Faded Portraits by @sandshadow

Summary: Winter lies awake thinking of everything he's done wrong. The family he disappointed, the love he lost, and the friends he pushed away, but as the night wears on he comes to a new realization about himself.

Wow! Two @sandshadow fics on the list? What?!

Nah but seriously guys this is potentially one of my favorite fics in the fandom. Because I don't know if you know this but I am a Winter fan. And I am still bitter about how he was treated at the end of DoD.

(Also if I have to read any more Winterwatcher fics about him apologizing to Moon for being reasonably upset about a legitimately traumatic experience I am going to scream. )

Anyway. This is what I wish his epilogue in DoD had been. Read it for yourself. Leave a review... I practically an essay myself. My bad. 😅

Winter Returning by Fatespeaker (I can't find a Tumblr for this author so if anyone knows please let me know so I can add it to this post.)

Summary: A week before Icicle's trial, Winter returns to the Ice Kingdom for a very awkward visit. Tensions are high. Old conflicts have resurfaced. With his tribe still reeling from the recent disaster, his family destroyed, and a complicated friendship to deal with, Winter is left picking up the pieces of his old life...and discovering hope for a new one.

Surprise, surprise. It's another Winter fic. I love this boy so much.

Honestly this is done pretty well and we also get to see Winter interact with his family some more as well as getting to see him face some of his own trauma.

It's angsty in all of the best ways.

Aftermath by Fatespeaker (this author has some pretty good stuff honestly.)

Summary: When it comes to living family, Starflight definitely got the short end of the stick. He's kept his distance from his mad scientist father. Well-meaning Fatespeaker wants to help her friend by interviewing Mastermind, but even the briefest of conversations can dredge up uncomfortable truths. War is complicated...its aftermath is messier still.

Kudos to the author for touching on a pretty controversial character. I mean I completely understand why people dislike him. But I can't help it. The fact that his first thought when meeting Starflight was "look at my beautiful boy isn't he astounding!" It was just so refreshing in all the best ways.

I knew the shoe would drop, and what a shoe it was, but I still have a weird fondness for him. And don't fuss me. People can like characters who did horrible things and the thing is I think he's not beyond saving. It will be a lot of work but its possible.

Mastermind- The Scientist and Mastermind- The Monster by The Friendly Space Marine (Again. I don't know if there is a Tumblr for this author. I am so sorry.)

Summary: Mastermind. The NightWing who would become infamous for experimenting on live RainWing subjects. But what is the story behind Starflight's often demonised father? Why did he do it? What drove him to such lengths?

Mastermind. The NightWing embodiment of the mad scientist archetype. A dragon held in contempt by his own son. A monster responsible for unspeakable crimes against the RainWings. What made him do it? Did he ever truly realise the gravity of his actions? 

I really like this take on the character! It adds a new layer to him that nobody really wants to acknowledge or see which I think comes back to the fact that people want to always see characters as good or bad. And I've already stated that I hate that mindset. Like... Wow, people with that mindset must live in a very boring and frankly cold world. I'm sorry for your loss.

Story Driven

Stories that are a little more story driven. Although some are very character-based too so this was kind of hard for me separate. Anyway enjoy!

Finding Peace by @warriorofspectra (for some reason it won't link. I don't understand Tumblr!!!)

Summary:Peacemaker has enjoyed a happy seven years. Raised by his mother and living amongst the RainWing and NightWing Tribes, he would ask for no better life. But with the emergence of nightmares, which have grown increasingly vivid upon arriving at the Jade Mountain Academy, Peacemaker begins to question whether or not the life he lives truly is his own or the shadow of another.

Ey... I already talked about this one before but it's definitely up there as one of my favorite fanfictions and probably my favorite Peacemaker fanfiction.

I don't even want to say anything in too much detail because it's just too good. All you need to know is the characters are great, including OCs. Peacemaker is adorable and almost makes me feel bad for hating the strawberry scene... Almost. Seriously just read it. And then take a peak at the authors side drabble series from POV of the other characters. There's one about Winter that I read just because it makes me so happy to see him again. Agh!

In the Light of the Moon's by Qebui (which is actually a group of people. So I have no clue if there are any Tumblrs associated or not)

Summary: We know the Dragonets of Destiny. Five dragons hatched on brightest night. However, what if the dragonets had hatched in the moonlight instead?

That's right we got a thrice born Starflight and Sunny Fanfiction. Not too much to say about this one. I just love this concept and I like what the authors are doing with it. :D

And... I think that's pretty much it. Wow, this was a lot of hard work. But fun. Lots of fun. And it was good coming back to some of these. Again if there was any I missed please let me know and I will glad I do an updated list adding them to it.

Thanks so much and see ya next time!

[loopy777]

if you were asked to make a full(the usual three seasons) retelling of the canon timeline(aang wakes up before the comet) with Aang x Mai as the main couple, how would you do it?

Well, there’s a reason I do most of my crackship writing in AU’s and not canon-divergence. It’s really tough to pull off for anything but side characters, at least if the integrity of the earlier foreshadowing is respected. Like, sure, it’s entirely possible to write a believable and good Zutara story that diverges between Books 2 and 3, but I have never encountered one that accounts for the fact that when Aang wakes up in the first episode, he sees Katara above him with an angelic framing. Yes, the stories deal with Aang’s attraction to Katara, but not the importance the cartoon placed on his falling for her.

Which, I rush to point out, is fine. Most people don’t care. I’m just annoyed by that type of thing. When I diverge from canon, I feel the need to pay off on every prominent Chekov’s Gun in a way that corresponds to the weight of the foreshadowing.

(For those who clicked that link, note that my own storytelling preferences fall somewhere between the views of Chekov and Hemingway.)

So, to set up Aang and Mai, I’d have to start before Mai’s introduction, in the finale of Book Water.

Something would have to be added to those events to alter the story arc of Kataang. I don’t feel the need to eliminate Kataang entirely, because Katara should be important to Aang, and I like the idea of the kids figuring out what that importance is. So the Siege of the North in some way makes Katara step back from her revelation that Aang might be her predicted husband, and I think Aang should be aware of this. He could still be in love with Katara, but the season should end with him knowing that Katara isn’t interested, and he needs to deal with that. I still want them to be friends, and I’d leave the events of ‘The Avatar State’ largely unchanged with their interactions.

‘Cave of Two Loves’ is vastly changed, though. Aang discovers the legend of Oma and Shu by himself. Thematically, it would be appropriate to introduce an alternate love interest for Katara, but I’m honestly not sure who to use. Haru bores me. Jet wouldn’t work at all in that episode, and I like his introductory episode so much that I want to keep it the way it is. And I don’t want to just stick her with Zuko. I honestly find it really creepy when people swap lovers, and one-sided Maiko is established in the backstory. Yes, Zuko and Mai weren’t “lovers” as kids, but it’s the same weird mix’n’match dynamic that turns me off.

Maybe I should consider Katara/TyLee again? You know, I can see Ty Lee going on a day-long excursion with some hippies who came by the circus. That might even be a neat twist, where we’re introduced to her as a member of the hippie party, and at the end after she parts from the gAang, we see an epilogue with Azula showing up to recruit her, and we realize she’s one of our new big bads! BOOM!

And Katara discovering that she prefers girls over boys while at the North Pole might be a good way to end Kataang in a suitable way. It might be a bit much to give her a crush on a Waterbender healer girl at the same time that the siege plotline is going on and all the stuff with Sokka and Yue, but I’d be willing to sacrifice The Great Divide to get another episode set at the North Pole.

So, sure, let’s go with that for now.

Mai is introduced in the last scene of the finale of Book Water, similar to Azula, in that we see her arriving in Omashu with her family and there’s a big This Character Will Be Important foreshadowing moment. We don’t get a proper introduction, though, until the Return to Omashu. The episode is largely the same, but during the battle, Mai mainly fights Aang while Azula and Ty Lee fight Sokka and Katara. Everyone is freaked out that the friendly people they met last episode are enemy warriors, but with Azula there, Ty Lee commits (for now) to fighting. Aang takes the time to criticize Mai for calling off the trade for her brother, and she doesn’t feel the need to correct his perception. However, after escaping, Bumi imparts some information that makes Aang reconsider his assessment of her.

So far, I’ve made only small tweaks to things. This is where we diverge heavily.

In the aftermath, Azula has a plan. Mai will ‘escape’ Omashu, with the story that for her failure, she was banished. Or maybe Mai is ‘escaping’ to actually ‘save’ Tom-Tom ‘against’ the Fire Princess’s ‘orders.’ Either way, the idea is that Mai is to embed herself with the escaped Omashu rebels and get information of the Avatar’s plans.

Mai improvises when she literally bumps into the gAang on the way to return Tom-Tom. She claims that she will take care of her brother and keep him away from Omashu. She even explains that she chose the gAang over Azula for Tom-Tom’s safety. Aang decides that he really was wrong about her and is impressed.

Mai disappears until whatever the equivalent of ‘The Chase’ is. There’s no actual chase, I think, but Azula still tracks the gAang (with TY Lee) and there’s still a big battle at the end where Azula and Zuko and Iroh encounter the gAang (including Toph’s triumphant return) and a huge battle ensues. Eh, maybe there should still be a chase. I dunno. I’m interested in the big arcs, not the little stuff. I’m mainly concerned with the next beat:

Mai arrives in a dramatic moment and joins in the fight near the end.

She’s a full rebel now, here to save the Avatar! Except she’s not, she was watching and waiting until it looked like Azula was going to lose anyway, and then she stepped in to help the gAang and Zuko. Except Mai isn’t really all that undercover, and is fine with saving Zuko!

End result, Zuko diverges from the gAang’s path again, but not before having an encounter with Mai. I think Iroh is still injured here, and Zuko’s behavior – perhaps including throwing fire at Mai – has her reconsidering if he’s the boy she remembers. She escapes with the gAang.

Mai (with Tom-Tom) travels with the gAang from then on as an undercover agent, Traitor’s Face style. Except she’s a more passive infiltrator, and not actively trying to transmit a location to Azula. (There’s no telegraph system in this continuity, alas.) She’s just learning about the enemy, and keeping an eye out for how to best make use of her position. She doesn’t want to just stab Aang and be done with it, because she’s still keeping in mind that Zuko needs the Avatar to end his banishment, and she’s not fully writing him off yet.

Stuff happens, and the gAang (plus Mai and Tom-Tom) get to Ba Sing Se. Stuff happens. and Azula and Ty Lee make their way there. Major goals for this part include giving Katara a chance to having a meaningful encounter with Ty Lee to put doubts about both Azula and the Fire Nation in Ty Lee’s head. Mai also has to deal with Azula calling for some payoff to the infiltration, which ends during the climax with Mai deciding to truly defect. Perhaps Tom-Tom gets left behind with Ba Sing Se falls, but Ty Lee or Zuko ensures that he’s safe from Azula’s wrath.

Book Fire is the Fire Nation infiltration, but now with Mai, and she shows real value in guiding the gAang, but also discovering how messed up Fire Nation life is and how it contributed to her own unhappiness. This is where Aang starts to fall for her, and she in turn NON-ROMANTICALLY comes to really respect him. At some point, Aang pushes for a romantic relationship, and Mai is not interested in a boy three years younger than her at this point, never mind how confused she still is by all the upheaval in her life. Aang is especially frustrated by this after the whole Katara-discovering-that-she’s-gay thing, and doesn’t take it well at first, but that’s for no more than an episode. Aang is a good egg and quickly becomes fine with being just friends.

During the Day of Black Sun, Ty Lee acts to save Mai in some way, and gets captured by Azula. This pays off in the Boiling Rock, where she’s discovered and freed and joins the gAang.

Things largely happen similar to the cartoon from there, but with the epilogue being turned into a distant epilogue, after several years, where the three-year difference between Mai and Aang isn’t as big a deal, and they start a romance. Hooray!

Huh, for something I worked out as I typed, that didn’t end up half-bad. I wouldn’t want to write such a thing, since Traitor’s Face has satisfied my itch for epic MaiAang and I’d rather not be hobbled by the cartoon’s setup. If anyone else wants to take a crack at it, though, feel free!