#I might suffer but I'm far too obsessed to let you go <3

[solanj]

Learn to draw Heinrix or die: the challenge ("Die" seems a much more likely outcome with the way it's going so far, tbh) This one was supposed to be a study of a Jeremy Irons shot, but for some mystical reason while Irons looks similar to Heinrix (in my eyes at least), whenever the picture started to look like Irons it stopped looking like Heinriix at all. So at this point there is not much similarities left to either of them, but, well, at least it started to resemble Heinrix at least a liiiiitle tiny bit

[34saveme34]

Okay so, Thing I realised today

buckle up, it's gonna be something

SO

classic smg34, right?

what do you think of when you remember classic smg34? Angst? Enemies to lovers? Hate so strong could only be love or whatever the name of the trope is? Wrong!

Obsession.

Like, I think he still is, and even the first time we see him, as in 3, his fucking debut episode, albeit he's not that far gone there yet but the beginning of it is right there

he loved 4's content so much, in reality he was trying to make his content so much like 4's as a love letter

no- not that way

like how FNF is a love letter to Newgrounds

except he fuckin sucked at it and it just turned into copying

but like think about it, after that happened, he got obsessed with 4 so much, not just out of hate and to be better than him and all that enemies bullshit but also because he still really admired him and I think he still found it fun to be around him, he just didn't want to admit it (him feeling nice around 4 can also be another thing of their link if we include modern34 as well) because- that's admitting defeat. he's also like, a loner of sorts or at least before all of it, he didn't really have like, a friend to JUST have a friend

even with Bowser, they were kind of friends out of working at the same job so like- and also the dynamics there I bet he wasn't satisfied with

like I bet even beside Bowser he felt lonely, and definitely partly because he way too obsessed with 4 to realise that he actually had people in his life

like lowkey his life kinda crumbled out of his grasp then because he let his obsession with 4 get this much to his head, to the point of doing things without planning even- I mean, I bet he didn't plan to EAT the god damn youtube remote

and like you can kinda see the same thing with his heist gang who were replacing the others in Youtube arc, he didn't care to be a good leader, all he wanted is to satisfy his obsession with 4, which is probably why that crew like, didn't get to grow a stronger dynamic, HE was the weak link in all of this and made the team like that

And now you might be asking, what does this has to do with Trash Friends?

You see, before genesis kicked off and like the whole 10 year anniversary

like AGAIN, AUGh AGAIANNNANANANANANanAN

I mentioned this before and I still hold to it, 3 got to redeem himself not because of suffering, but because of finding an outlet for himself- that ISN'T 4!! He didn't take over the Graveyard to take revenge on 4, he took it over because 1, it was kinda his destiny and 2 because he had to survive somehow and he found purpose in it

And now, shit mellowed out BECAUSE he wasn't so obsessed with 4 anymore, at least not like that

which meant he wasn't in 4's shadows anymore

even though the universe paired them up (in more than one way :3) he wasn't just 4's obsessed kind of stalker anymore

AND NOW- why oh WHY is Trash Friends so significant? Because 3 is fearful and lives in the past

"You are just a worse version of me" it's like he's recalling the past, he doesn't want to go back to that, to go back to the old ways when 4 didn't consider him a friend, he's so so scared of fucking that up and like- like like like- if we go further on this, isn't it so obvious? They're both like, anxiously cling onto the past, even though they've grown now, they keep regressing because of the fear

and I think- I think Trash Friends started to remedy it

BECAUSE it broke the cycle. 3 opened up, 4 realised how he's been thinking in the past too and probably felt awful for it

I don't think it SOLVED it persay but it definitely started to

like I do wish we saw a little more of that with the 2 like, even if just for a tiny scene, taking their time to communicate

because I'm prrretty sure that was what Trash Friends was supposed to be starting

and not gonna lie, probably why we get the silly videos with them working together

but I do wish wish wish we saw a little more of them talking about it

But I can definitely say, there's still things they need to discuss, things to fully get over and to get stronger together, especially pointing at SMG4 simulator with 3 seemingly being an epic rare special catch of sorts and YET still being negative points and also the timer skipping 34, like 4 is trying to push aside his feeling for 3

which is why I think if they do it right with the right things, smg34 becoming canon could be one of the most natural processes of SMG4 history

And thank you for reading! Hope I got you convinced :33

[spacexseven]

(4/4) ok rapidfire round cuz i talked about aku and dazai WAAAY too much here are some other guys who work with this

fyodor - this fucker would legit get to the point where he actually fucking tries to kill you, and then a month later you’re just. back in his house. probably tied to a chair while he straddles your lap and pets your hair and coos about how badly he’s yearned for his little golubchik (little dove) since you last parted ways and how glad he was when he heard you were okay and how you guys should totally get married in the eyes of the lord and youre about to have a fucking anuersysm.probably wants to just pretend it Didnt Happen. he’d be very unequipped to deal with Feelings Of Guilt so he assauges it by showering you in affection and gifts and larping as Loving Husband. might tamper with you juuuust a touch so you forget about the whole thing, cuz seeing you flinch and try to get away from him makes his chest all tight and he doesnt Like It so you gotta stop doing it <3

gogol - all my ideas for him are VERY similar to what i already have down for dazai BUT differences are that he doesnt wanna torture you cuz he Dislikes you, he wants to torture you cuz he wants to see your Normal Person-ish reaction to incredible suffering! not only are you going through hellish pain, but it’s being inflicted on someone who you thought cared for you? how ghoulish! your reaction would certainly be one for the books! he gets attached to you probably the same way he did to fyodor, through you making real strides towards understanding him, but your Normal Ways would make him less keen on wanting to murder you and more keen on wanting to stay with you forever and make you his little birdie. you managing to piece together that your bf was actually that clown terrorist youve been hearing so much about DID throw a wrench in things a touch, but hes waaay too impressed with you to be bothered by it! youre even more amazing than he thought! wow! his darling birdie! lets stay together forever! why are you running away come back :(

kouyou - shout out to all my WOMAN LIKERS we got kouyou. gonna have to make this one quick i talked about the russians too much. listen. kouyou? she’s already got some baggage about losing the person she loves to the mafia, so falling for her target is EXTREMELY inconvenient for her. she wants to just ignore her feelings and be rid of you already, to save herself the trouble (insert wont say im in love from hercules somewhere in here), but you’re so... bright. much brighter than she ever thought she’d be able to experience, and you care for her so much… she just cant bring herself to let you slip away. please, dont hate her for bringing you into the darkness with her. she wont let it infect you, she promises! anything and everything to protect her precious light. 

CONCLUSION: im insane

- 🩹

can you tell i'm super biased towards nikolai :< all asks in this au (basically yandere uses the reader to steal info, falls for them as well) are tagged as #spy au 🐟

cw: yandere characters, obsessive behavior, possessive behavior, jealousy, violent threats, murder, forced relationships, kidnapping, imprisonment, manipulation, nikolai has previously pulled out a knife on reader and threatens to kill them.

honestly i don't think fyodor would ever feel guilt for his previous actions. sure, he's roughed you up far too much for the sake of the mission and ruined your life and tortured your friends but all of that was to bring you both together! everything that happened was for the good of your relationship. he always knew you were something special, back when he decided to use you as a way to get information about yokohama's ability users. in fact, he had already decided back then that he would have you join him to fulfill his goal once he gained what he needed to know. you would be useful in a lot of ways, but mostly he wanted you there for a far more selfish reason.

(it did get pretty lonely at the top.)

you thought fyodor was going to kill you after his true intentions were revealed, but waking up to find him holding you like he was cradling the most wonderful thing in the world made you realize you couldn't be more wrong. he had never been to pushy when you met, never asking anything suspicious enough for you to think he was using you. in fact, you only ever met him once every few weeks in a desolate corner when you felt tired from all your work. maybe that false belief that you two were strangers who would never meet at day was what led you to confide in him things you should never have. things you would have gotten killed for revealing if he hadn't already killed your superiors. whatever it was that convinced you to do such a foolish thing, it ruined your life now.

maybe his strange attachment to you wasn't the worst possible outcome. at the very least, there seemed to be hope of you getting out of here alive if his incessant touches and condescending words didn't completely tear you apart.

nikolai is pretty similar to dazai, except he's never been bothered by the job. he likes messing with people, and it helps that you're just to cute! if you're going to freeze every time he places a hand on your back and look all shocked every time he steals a kiss, he's going to actually start liking you, you know? not a temporary arrangement, like in a 'you're-cute-and-i-can-show-you-off' way, but in a 'you're-never-leaving-my-side-and-ill-gladly-kill-everyone-so-you-only-have-me' way. he's that initially annoying and flirty stranger who eventually grows on you, so much so that when he one day puts a hand around you and gleefully announces that he was your boyfriend, despite never having talked to you about this arrangement, you can't find it in you to object. he is sort of cute, with that killer smile. even if he is so reckless you worry for him all the time and has these frightening rounds of jealousy, you supposed it could work out.

he doesn't even need you to finish his task, to be honest. stealing documents and the like was child's play for nikolai. he just wanted an excuse to mess with you while getting paid. oh, but you treating him so genuinely, with so much care...he can't just let anyone else receive that sort of treatment in the unlikely situation he had to break up with you. if he had to kill you after this arrangement, it would be quite a waste, wouldn't it? you were so sweet to him. there were always other ways to make you cry—ways he was sure you'd enjoy almost as much as him. if you didn't...well, you'd just have to learn to like it!

imagine his shock when he comes to visit one day to find you...gone! like you had disappeared from your place overnight. even he hadn't been expecting this turn, after all, the two of you had been getting even closer. was it because he kept insisting on trying some potentially dangerous things in bed? but you'd have talked to him about it first. this was...unlike you. and then he catches sight of the news and realizes someone had leaked out some of his personal history.

oops. he forgot most people weren't comfortable dating a murderer.

too bad you didn't have a choice anymore! he finds you, as expected. with his ability and his understanding of you, it was only a matter of time. thing is, nikolai doesn't really like to threaten you so badly, really. sure, there were those times when he swore he would tear apart anyone who tried to ask you out, and promised to kill everyone you ever dated before him so that he could be the only living person to boast of such an honor. and he did pull out a knife on you a couple times but it was all fun and games! really! this time, not so much.

nikolai had you grabbing onto the edge of his coat while he dangled you over the edge of a skyscraper, having used his ability to bring you here earlier. you were probably too scared to be listening to him, but all he was asking of you was an apology and a promise to never leave him like that again. promise him you'd always be by his side.

he was so worried for you! this was the least you could do to make it up to him.

koyou would be devastated when she realizes what this feeling was. the strange warmth that came from sitting next to you, sharing meals and talking about work, quiet moments together—she was stupid for letting it go this far. and now...now she was in too deep.

if only she had stuck to her goal and only been an acquaintance to you. if only you hadn't shown her such a beautiful sight and the possibility of a warm future together. she couldn't bear losing you, couldn't live knowing she could never hold you as close as she yearned to after this was over.

unless...she took some disastrous action.

she knew you would hate her more than you already did if she brought you into her world. you would hate it there, but she was foolishly hoping her presence would make it a little more bearable. you were so wonderful to her...could you manage to love her just a little more? could you overlook your disgust for her tainted soul and hold her like you did, before the truth came out?

[oyasumi-ashurii]

Okay, so it might be a little hard for me to cohesively put all my thoughts and feelings into why I care so much about Final Fantasy VIII, but because of the 25th anniversary and seeing a lot of you talk about your love of the game I'll try the best I can. So here's my embarrassingly and extremely long personal history with the game and why it will always be my favorite.

Before FF8 I was mostly a Nintendo kid. Mario and Zelda were all I really knew, and as a hyperactive as I was I didn't really have the patience for anything story-heavy that took a lot of reading. Though I did I get a PlayStation later on I hardly bothered with anything other than Spyro or Crash. Anything similar in graphics to FF7 or 8 was mostly foreign to me too, with maybe the closest being my cousin having the first Resident Evil and I was far too young and too scared to bother with anything like that. So you can imagine the complete and utter shock kid me had going to my uncle's and seeing him play FF8 for the first time. I don't think it had been out too long but he was already on disc 3 in Esthar and, bless his soul, he let me play his save for a while. Being able to fly around the map on the Ragnarok?? The realistic proportions and animations in battle?? The absolute BANGER of a soundtrack?! All of it had me excitedly begging my parents to buy me the game. Nine year old me didn't know roman numerals, though, just that it was called Final Fantasy with some weird lettering. I had no idea of Final Fantasy as a series and I didn't know it was the eighth game or that there were eight of them at all. I couldn't remember what the cover looked like either and my uncle not long after that was going through his own personal troubles so I wasn't able to visit or ask him. We didn't have internet at home until the early 2000s (it was AOL dial-up too, jesus, I don't miss that) and my parents were strict about internet use, so I was stuck. My dad did eventually buy me an FF game as a surprise when I was eleven, and lmao can you believe I was genuinely upset because it was Final Fantasy VII?! That being said, I have an INSANE amount of love and respect for 7. Considering how much easier I think the materia system is to understand for newcomers, having it as my first, full FF experience was a bit of a blessing lol. FF7 hit me in a different way than 8 did, and maybe I'll make a post about it sometime.

So other than the brief times on the internet (I was only allowed on for an hour or two before I was kicked off) and reading gaming magazines I had hardly any access or knowledge about FF8 until years later. I knew the characters briefly and read some small stuff here and there about the world, but that was it. Even so, I STILL loved it. I would draw them (I've drawn most of my life, and I still do occasionally as a fun hobby), write about what I thought they were like, so, so much of me embarrassingly obsessing over it and driving my small group of friends in school bonkers (oh lordy I just remembered my preteen username I had used on an FF forum and now I'm cringing.) You get it. So why did I cling to the game so much, even though I barely played it? Why did it mean so much to me? Because around the time I was twelve I was deeply depressed, and throughout my middle school and early high school life video games and their stories were the only joy and comfort I had. I'm not going to go into much detail because it feels too personal to write on tumblr about and I'd rather not think back too much. If you want the gist it was at a moment in time I was mostly on my own. I felt isolated and alone, and due to growing up in and around strict, conservative circles I struggled with feeling far behind my peers, so my personal and school life suffered. Things got better though and I'm happy in my life now, so that's really it.

As I got a little older I had played other FF's and RPGs in between that I also fell in love with (especially Kingdom Hearts) and funnily enough horror games, but I still didn't get my hands on 8 until I got it on my fifteenth birthday and I was over the moon. That night and many nights and weekends after that I played every single bit of that game. I had printed walkthroughs and a guide of the junction system, with overly-detailed notes I had scribbled down and highlighted. I had written down all the rules of triple triad, weapon upgrades, item refinements and what you get from monsters, side-quests, all of it. I had never went all in into a game before, but I did it because I wanted to experience the game that gave preteen me comfort everything it had to offer. And I remember vividly when I finished it I cried until I was almost out of breath.

But you know, I didn't get emotional because of the nostalgic school-like feel and inspired real-world setting, or the overall main plot with magic, sci-fi and sorceresses. It wasn't even the deeply interwoven love stories, the theme of fate or the gameplay either, though I grew to love all of those things dearly with time.

It was because I was a socially-awkward and lonely fifteen year old girl that watched an equally as awkward seventeen year old boy overcome his own deeply-rooted fears and trauma and come out at the end of it all on the path to healing.

And I knew I'd be okay, and ever since then this game has and will always be that reminder and comfort for me.

Thanks for reading.

[jweekgoji]

I was wondering if you could write another yandere fern X reader? This Time with some kidnapping involved? :3

Yandere! Fern/Reader.

tw: mentions of kidnapping, yandere! Fern, Fern being Fern ig, unhealthy obsession.

a/n: Didn't think someone would still visit my blog, haha. I watched Adventure Time 3 months ago, so I probably forgot some stuff, but I still try to write it, sorry that it took me some time🫡

I mentioned in November that Fern would be one of the few yanderes in Adventure Time who will do something so drastic like kidnapping you if something goes wrong, we already see his attempts

Hmm, I'm afraid to ask what you had to do, to make Fern to do something so drastic like kidnapping you. Of course, you're not Finn, he won't be hostile to you, if you are at least familiar with Finn, Fern would memorize you too (since big part of Fern's memories is Finn's y'know..), so he doesn't really have any reasons to hurt you. I don't even think you have to be someone really important for the hero of Ooo, actually, if you somehow similar to Fern himself, not popular, a little messy and used to stay in the shadow while someone better than you in everything gets all the attention, he will consider you one of his «favourite». He probably won't admit it out loud.

So, what could possibly be the reasons for him to kidnap you? The easy one 1) At first you are not really liked by Fern. You are not exactly a BAD person, not a "BAD guy" either, so he can't kill you, that would be a no-no for him, Jake at least keep an eye on him from time to time. But you might be a little annoying for him, so just putting you out of picture somewhere far away would be easier. And then... maybe he could catch feelings for you after awhile?

2) Something threatening your life and safety and he's just grabbing you without a word from him like «Okay, we're out! Bye! 🏃» , hiding somewhere safe. What threat could that be? Well, Fern can't solve it by himself, neither Finn or Jake with their friends. So the only thing he could do for you in his mind, is just protect you, but in a little different way. I can't really see Fern kidnapping you only because he's jealous. Like, if he's jealous because someone gives you unwanted attention? Okay, THEY are gone next day, not you. No way Fern would stand a minute with some dingus walking around like nothing happened, while you must suffer alone, trapped in the house? No, it's not your fault, it's THEIR fault, so you stay happy and oblivious while your boy takes care of the problem.

Fern is really confused and not experienced how actually he should treat a person he just kidnapped. Your first days in this old, dirty... dungeon just as confusing for you as for him. The moment you woke up, it's cold. He can't sense whether it's cold or hot outside, so the temperature is just the same, can't really say the same about you, since you are probably a shivering stuttering mess right now, hearing how your teeth chattering. You can't remember, how exactly you got here? The only thing on your mind is, what happened to Princess? To Finn? And everyone else? Something really bad happened, but how exactly it ended?

«Oh! You woke up!» , Fern's voice is actually very soothing and calm for your ears, he looks surprised for a moment, before he quickly appears next to you with a big-big smile. He would stare at you for hours, if not for days when you take your time to sleep and rest, enough for you to finally wake up and warm him with your presence.

You probably would ask him dozens of questions, asking where are your friends and what happened, where are you two are and when you can finally go back home, only to be shushed by Fern, and make this tsk-tsk sound, while shaking his head lightly.

«Sorry, but I can let you go right now, you see, I saved you from the danger outside, so let me take care of you until it's safe enough to come out,» saying all that with that a bit too creepy smile. I mean, wouldn't the situation itself be too creepy, being stuck with him, knowing what exactly he did in past?

But maybe you are being wrong and just had a bad first impression, after all, you did know about a big threat coming into Ooo, so there's no point for you to not believe him... So you've been stuck like that for days. Weeks, maybe? It's really hard to tell since there are no windows, and only Fern is allowed to go outside for a while for his unique breakfast routine.

You don't question him, since that's his only source of ,, food ” , and after spending some time alone with him, it is getting hard not to truly trust and grow attached to him. He is the one who actually saved you; he acts surprisingly nice and actually brings you the food you can eat, not just some trash and dirt. That's cute to teach him something new and watching him staring at you with open mouth and such a childish curiosity.

The more time you spend together, the more you learn about how to handle him. And he's learning more about how to take care of all your needs. You realize how insecure he is the moment you started to show little signs of winning in some card game, and he's already on the verge of ripping off his ears, pouting and eventually dropping everything, only to fuss and show his back to you. At first, you thought it was weird, but eventually you got used to it, offering him a hug or tying his hair in different ways, peppered with occasional praise. You'll sometimes notice little flowers growing right under your hand when you say how pretty or cute he is.

Even though most of your time together everything seems nice, you would lie if you didn't exactly think about asking him, if it's finally time to go out of hiding. And when you actually do that, he will just escape this question, quickly trying to catch your attention with something else. It's not like there's too much stuff to do; everything is boring as hell, and you played cards with him like a hundred times. It's not making it easier for you when he just plays dumb around, ignoring unnecessary questions and brushing it off like nothing.

Confront him all you want, yell at him, or accuse him of being a liar, but he wouldn't satisfy your need for answers with anything. He looks at you as if you have a fever and are out of your mind, but more in the way someone treats a naive child who doesn't know much about the world. «Huh? Me? But I'm a 100% hero, I wouldn't do something like that. Heroes never lie, don't you know that? :) »

[remotepixel]

Hi! Can you write the Avengers with a demon reader? Maybe just a weak and very young demon who is looking for people to sign contracts for their souls

Hii! Thank you for requesting!

While writing this I was honestly just thinking of hazbin hotel, so if I mention 'Hell' I'm talking about that kinda version, not the religiously-accurate one for eternal punitive suffering lol <3

TW: yandere themes

-The Avengers assumed you were a threat the second they heard about a supposed demon running around nyc, asking people for their souls. They’ve dealt with numerous different supernatural beings - aliens, gods, simply superpowered individuals - but this was another level of insanity. I can imagine Steve, the Catholic man he is, just ‘😨’ the second he found out.

-But all that suspense died the second they saw you…a child?

-Obviously, past all the confusion, you’re taken into the Avenger's tower/compound for light questioning. They've got to make sure you’re an actual demon first, just in case they’re kidnapping someone’s kid who decided to dress up early for Halloween. However, when it’s revealed that you really are one, and supposedly have powers, you'd be made to live in the tower with the others - safety and all that (definitely not for the plot).

-Despite being a demon, your age and weakness will be the main factor for their obsession to start. You being young makes it easier for them to justify their overprotectiveness. You need to someone to look after you, teach you, and it only makes sense that they would take up that mantle. Sure, they might not have lessons in parenting (expect Clint) but there isn’t many other superpowered people in the world, and they knew how desperate some people could be to get power. Being young means you’re more likely to ignore any red flags or know the signs of manipulation, and they’re convinced you wouldn’t be able to fight back anyways.

-I don’t think they would actually try and help you with your powers though. Apart from basic self-defence classes, they want to keep you reliant on them for as long as possible. You could likely overpower most of them at full potential, and where would that lead them? Would you forget about them? Ignore their advice and throw yourself into battle like they do? It isn’t worth it.

-If you’re really insistent about it, they may let you mess about a bit. Though, that’s mainly if your powers are unstable/out of control and training is needed. And, again, it would only be enough to keep you safe and remain weaker than them.

-I get the vibe some of them won’t take your title of a demon seriously in general - Steve’s coming to mind first. Like I mentioned, the guy’s religious and, since you probably go against his years-old assumption of a demon, he wouldn’t fully think of you as one, even though it was proved. You’re more of a superpowered, human kid in his eyes.

-Tony would treat it more like an inside joke than a fact. Like, he’d make stupid nicknames about your Hellish bloodline, but he’d ignore any genuine conversations about it. It’s just hard for him to image that you are some ‘fallen, evil angel’….so he doesn’t.

-Natasha wouldn’t be too fussed about it. It’s not that she doesn’t believe you, but your exact species doesn’t matter too much to her - she’ll like you either way. She’ll listen to any fun facts you want to tell her about Hell (assuming you were born and raised there) or demons in general. Clint is in a similar boat. Although he might tease you about it sometimes, Natasha would probably tell him to shush if it went too far and you seemed upset.

-Bruce would be a bit hesitant. Due to how the Hulk affected him (physically and the guilt), I think he may be a bit worried that your ‘evil’ blood would lead to you actually becoming a stereotypical demon later on, even if you try to fight that side of you. But, he’ll likely calm down a bit when he starts getting to know you more, and would lean towards the middle like Natasha and Clint. He’d probably be interested in learning and logging your abilities, both as he’s curious and it’s useful to know if anything goes wrong.

-Thor would be the only genuinely happy one. He’s probably met countless difference species/races on different planets, so you not being human isn’t odd to him - it fact, it just brings you two closer together. If he’s able to, he would probably take you back to the underworld for a day. Of course, he’d forget to tell the others though and lead to an unneeded, frantic search party.

-I wouldn’t put it past at least one of them to sell their soul to you - whether for funzie or they don’t fully believe how bad it could be. Like, if they don’t take you as a demon seriously anyways, they’re not going to take your little contract seriously either.

-I was thinking mostly Tony, due to his habit of speaking before thinking, but Thor would likely do so as well. He’s not necessarily stupid, but Asgard probably has different beliefs, and thus he thinks of your contract as a cultural, non-Midgard thing rather than ‘i’m actually taking your soul’ thing.

-Either way, all of them are planning to stay by your side infinitely, contract or not : )

[storytimewithnova]

EUPHORIA IMPROVED

Everyone was gathered for a sleepover at Sho and Noya's house, and they were excited to watch a movie. Kita grabbed a random DVD, unaware of its contents, and they all settled down to watch it.

But before we jump into the story, let me take you back to where it all began for Sho. You see, Sho's life wasn't always sunshine and rainbows. There was a facade of happiness that concealed the struggles and challenges that Sho faced. Let's dive into Sho's backstory.

Sho: "You did this to me!" Sho exclaimed, filled with frustration.

Narrator Sho: Hold on, let's not skip ahead just yet. Allow me to paint a picture of my journey, one that might change your perception of me, for better or worse. You may have thought I was all smiles and happiness, but the truth is far from that. So, let's begin.

Sho: I was born just three days after the tragic events of 9/11.

Narrator Sho: I know what you're thinking. How could a Japanese family witness 9/11 on the news? Well, here's the twist: I wasn't born in Japan but in Washington, D.C., the very place where 9/11 unfolded. Talk about irony.

As the movie played in the background, Sho continued sharing their story.

Sho: My parents spent two days in the hospital with me, gazing at the television screen, watching the towers fall repeatedly. The grief eventually turned into numbness.

Narrator Sho: But why am I telling you this? You see, my family used to be just like any other happy, normal family. I was a content child. But life has a way of changing people, and that includes me. Watch closely.

Sho: And then, without warning, my middle-class childhood in an American suburb...

Child Sho: 13, 14, 15, 16...

Mrs. Hinata: Sho, what are you looking at?

Child Sho: 1, 2, 3...

Mrs. Hinata: What are you doing, Sho?

Child Sho: *cries*

Narrator Sho: That's when my life started spiraling downward. My parents took me to countless doctors, searching for answers. They tried to understand what was going on inside my head.

One particular doctor had a long list of possible diagnoses for me.

Bitch Doctor: I believe she is suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder, attention deficit disorder, general anxiety disorder, and possibly even bipolar disorder, though she's a little young to be certain.

Narrator Sho: This doctor seemed determined to label me with every condition under the sun. It got to the point where my father couldn't cope with someone like me, and he left our family, leaving my mother with two kids and a mountain of debt. Truly, the father of the year.

As the others listened to Sho's story, they were shocked. Their image of Sho, the bright and cheerful individual, was shattered.

Sho: So, can someone explain all of this to me?

Mrs. Hinata: Honey, it's just the way your brain is wired. Many great, funny, intelligent, interesting, and creative people have struggled with similar challenges.

Narrator Sho: Really, Mom? Are you trying to sugarcoat it? I would've preferred if you were just honest and said that I'm "mental" or that I'm the reason for your divorce. But fine, let's play along with the sugarcoating.

Sho: Like who?

Mrs. Hinata: Well, there's Vincent van Gogh, Sylvia Plath, and even your Britney Spears

Narrator Sho: As the years went by, there are moments that I don't remember clearly, like a blur between the ages of 8 and 12. The world seemed to move too fast for my liking, while I moved slow. Sometimes, if I focused too closely on my breathing, it felt like I was on the brink of suffocation.

Suddenly, Sho collapsed to the floor, gasping for air. When she regained consciousness, she found herself surrounded by concerned friends and family, breathing into a bag.

Sho: "I'm taught every second of every day, constantly trying to outrun my anxiety," she explained.

Mrs. Hinata: Worriedly, she asked, "What's wrong, sweetie?"

Narrator Sho: "To be honest, I'm just fucking exhausted," Sho replied, her exhaustion evident in her voice.

In the present, Sho was shown taking tablets from her bedside table. She spent time with her father, seeking solace and understanding.

Sho: Curiously, she asked, "What do these pills feel like?"

Mr. Hinata: With a heavy sigh, he replied, "The absolute worst."

Narrator Sho: I used to take care of my dad after school. But that changed when he passed away. So, I guess you're watching a flashback. My mom agreed to take a second job to cover the bills, and we had a state-issued nurse who came to help for a couple of hours. Though, if you consider playing Candy Crush on her phone as helping, then she did a fantastic job. But here's the thing, it was during that time that my dad had a bunch of pills, and that's when my troubles began. Have you caught on yet?

The scene shifted to Sho taking a pill from one of the bottles and putting it in her mouth. It showed her at home, repeatedly taking pills. The scene then transitioned to Sho engaging in reckless behavior, such as using drugs, partying, drinking, and smoking. Finally, it cut to Noya going to Sho's room and hearing her struggling.

Noya: "Sho, Sho!" Noya called out, alarmed.

Noya opened the door and found Sho unconscious on the floor. Overwhelmed with concern, he started crying, unsure of what to do.

(To be continued)Narrator Sho: My baby brother found me, exposing the real me to those who didn't know the facade of sunshine and rainbows. Instead, they saw a broken person, lying in a hospital, crying her eyes out.

Sho: I spent a good portion of the summer before my second year of high school in rehab.

Narrator Sho: Listen to these assholes preaching to God. Let's be fucking honest, are any of us really going to stay clean? We're just here to appease our parents, gain some brownie points, and get back in their good graces. Do we have any intentions of staying clean? Probably not. Me? Most definitely not. I'm too far gone. But let's play the role of the good girl who has changed her ways. Upside down, I'm out of that bible-bashing hellhole.

Noya: Sho!

Sho: Noya, come here.

Noya: Hey.

Sho: Hi, how are you?

Noya: Good.

Sho: I missed you.

Noya: Missed you too, sis.

Sho: Shit, are you growing?

Noya: No.

Their mom stood and watched them, observing the connection between the siblings.

Sho: Hey.

Narrator Sho: Staging an intervention seemed like a brilliant idea for everyone involved, except for me. As they confronted me, I hurriedly searched for something in my bathroom. Frustrated by not finding it, I exited the bathroom and froze on the stairs, realizing that everyone was waiting for me.

Sho: Oh, fuck. I'm never fucking ready for this.

Mrs. Hinata: We just want to make you feel good, Sho. Living like this, lying to the people you love, being mean to the people you love... It can't make you feel good about yourself.

Sho: I don't care. Just fucking leave me alone, please.

Mrs. Hinata: I know you're in pain.

Sho: You have no fucking idea, Mom.

Mrs. Hinata: Let's get back into the car and let me take you to the hospital.

Sho: I can't get clean, Mom. I can't do that shit.

Narrator Sho: As you can see, they thought it was a fucking excellent idea to stage an intervention, hoping I would listen. Clearly, I felt I had more pressing matters at hand. And seriously, did they really think a drug intervention was the right move, Kenma?

Kenma: You don't have to do it all at once, just take it one day at a time.

Everyone agrees, showing their support.

Sho: Hey, Ken, I have a quick question for you.

Kenma: What?

Sho: Are you fucking Kuroo Tetsuro?

Kenma: (laughs) What are you talking about?

Sho: How long have you been fucking Kuroo?

Kenma: I'm not, I'm not.

Oikawa: What are you talking about?

Sho: Oh, I just... I saw him getting into his truck and then they kissed in the truck and drove off. That was like, what, a month ago?

Kenma: Ah...

Oikawa: Are you kidding me?

Atsumi: Ken, that's really bad.

Oikawa: You're fucking Kuroo, are you kidding me?

Kenma: No, I'm... (laughs) I don't even know why she would say that.

Oikawa: You're lying.

Kawa's mom: Can we just table this conversation?

Oikawa: No! You expect me to stand here next to my best friend, who's been lying to me about fucking my ex-boyfriend? I am literally going to get violent.

Kawa's mom: There's no need to get violent. We are having an intervention here.

Narrator Sho: Clearly, I stuck my foot in it again. I revealed Kenma's dirty little secret. I'm sorry, best friend, but I'm not going to hide for you. And clearly, I also know you're in the wrong. Yes, I'm an addict, but I'm not a whore. Let's get our priorities straight here. And you know, we've always had this deal never to fuck our best friends' boyfriends or ex-boyfriends, as the case may be.

Mrs. Hinata: Will you two stop it, please? I'm begging you. Let's just get into the car.

Sho: I can't.

Kenma: Let's just talk.

Oikawa: Oh, you're crying. You're fucking crying.

Kawa's mom: Tori...

Oikawa continued her rant, unable to control her anger.

Oikawa: You're not the one that's fucking hurt. You're the most self-centered, idiotic person I’ve ever Fucking met You fucked my ex-boyfriend And you’re fucking crying are you fucking kidding me right now

Narrator Sho: The situation in the room escalated quickly, with everyone talking over each other. Atsumi tried to intervene, suggesting that they deal with it later, but Mrs. Hinata had had enough.

Mrs. Hinata: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I don't give a shit about who's fucking who. If you're going to keep talking about it, you can just get out of this room.

Kawa's mom: Absolutely! You're all behaving like animals.

Amidst the chaos, Kenma defended himself, questioning why they would believe Sho, who was a drug addict. Oikawa, consumed by anger and hurt, demanded the truth from Kenma.

Oikawa: How long have you been fucking him? Please be honest!

Atsumi: Kawa, we can do this later.

Oikawa: Atsu, shut the fuck up! How long have you been fucking him, Sho?

Narrator Sho: Here I was, hoping I could become invisible. No, scratch that. I really wished I hadn't said anything. Now that the stupid intervention was over, I retreated back to my room. Fucking hell, why did I always get caught up in these situations? This is what Tori is like.

Mrs. Hinata tried to calm the situation, urging Sho to listen and suggesting they get into the car. Oikawa couldn't let it go, pressing for more details.

Oikawa: When was this?

Sho: Right after New Year's.

Oikawa: You dumb fucking bitch! I'm gonna fuck you up!

Kawa's mom: No!

Oikawa: Don't run away from me, you stupid whore!

Narrator Sho: The fight continued, and I decided it was best to leave while I had the chance. So, I made a quick decision. After that shitshow, I had a couple of options. I could go to Suna and score some drugs, or I could go to Semi. I chose Semi.

Narrator Sho: I had just returned home, and it was around 4-5 am. I expected everyone to be asleep, especially my mom. Truth be told, I was hoping to avoid the third-degree questioning, but luck wasn't on my side.

Mrs. Hinata: Where have you been?

Sho: I'm sorry, my phone died.

Mrs. Hinata: Bullshit! You're doing drugs!

Narrator Sho: Oh my God, this woman is insufferable. She just assumes everything. What does she want me to tell her? "Oh, sorry, Mom, I'm with my potential girlfriend. Can you kindly get off my fucking case?"

Sho: I'm not doing drugs.

Mrs. Hinata: Then where have you been? Why weren't you answering your phone? And why are you sneaking into the house at five in the morning?

Narrator Sho: Oh my God, can she let it go? Does she really want me to come out and say, "Hi, Mom, I am potentially bisexual. I could be a lesbian. I'm still trying to work that out, you know? I'll get back to you."

Sho: I was with someone.

Mrs. Hinata: Who?

Sho: It doesn't matter, Mom.

Mrs. Hinata: Oh, it matters, Sho. It matters. You're doing drugs, Noya, go back to sleep.

Noya: Sis, are you okay?

Sho: Yeah, Nishi, you can go back to sleep.

Mrs. Hinata: She's okay, baby. Go back to bed. Good night. I will not allow you to walk up into this house at 5:30 in the morning and lie to my face. So tell me the truth right now. Where were you?

Sho: Mom, I don't want to tell you everything that's going on in my life. If you want to drug test me, just drug test me.

Mrs. Hinata does just that, and it comes back negative.

Narrator Sho: Let's be real, she wasn't the only person upset with me.

[Scene changes to Sho and Semi lying together]

Semi: I'm not kidding, Sho. I'm not going to become best friends with someone who's trying to kill themselves.

Sho: I know.

Semi: I have enough traumatic shit going on in my life that I can't handle.

Sho: I get it.

Semi: I don't want to be around if you don't stop using drugs.

Sho: Okay.

Semi: I mean it, Shoyo.

Sho: I know. I'll stop. I'll get any help I need. I promise. I just need you to give me a chance.

Mrs. Hinata: You're still grounded until... I don't even fucking know what else.

Sho: I told you I wasn't lying.

Narrator Sho: So, I decided to stay clean. I have been for a while. I wasn't going to break my promise. I wanted to stay with Eita. You see, the first time I met her, I fell head over heels. When she heard that I kept my promise, this happened.

[Scene changes to the school hallway]

Narrator Sho: It was the first day of school after New Year, and I finally had everything I ever wished for. I ran straight to Semi and kissed her.

Sho: You know, you're like a dream.

Semi: [laughs] I didn't know you were such a romantic, Sho.

Narrator Sho: We kissed again. That's how I got my girlfriend. I stayed sober for her, not just because I wanted to. God knows how many times I've been tempted to run to Suna, but I know he has cut me off.

Narrator Sho: And so, as I look back on my journey, I realize that the ending of this story is not an ending at all, but a beginning. A beginning filled with hope, strength, and a newfound sense of purpose.

I continue to inspire and help others on their own paths to recovery, sharing my story and offering guidance. The love and support that I received from Semi and my support system have taught me the importance of compassion and empathy. I have become a beacon of light for those who are lost in the darkness of addiction, showing them that recovery is possible.

But my journey doesn't end there. With Semi by my side, we embark on new adventures, embracing life to the fullest. We travel the world, experiencing its wonders and sharing our love and resilience with others. We find joy in simple moments, cherishing the beauty of each day.

Together, we create a legacy of love, compassion, and perseverance. We touch the lives of many, leaving a lasting impact on those who cross our paths. And through it all, we never forget the battles we have fought and the strength we have gained.

As time goes on, I continue to stay sober, not just for myself, but for the love and happiness that surrounds me. I cherish every moment, knowing that I have overcome the darkness and emerged stronger than ever.

And as the years pass, I see the ripple effect of my journey. I witness the lives I have touched, the lives that have been transformed because of the hope and inspiration I have shared. It fills my heart with immense joy and gratitude.

In the end, this story is not just about me. It's about the power of love, resilience, and the belief in the human spirit. It's about the strength we find within ourselves and the support we receive from those who love us.

So, as the sun sets on another beautiful day, I am filled with a profound sense of gratitude. Gratitude for the love of Semi, the unwavering support of my friends and family, and the opportunity to make a difference in the lives of others.

And I know that as long as I stay true to my journey, keep sharing my story, and continue to spread love, the ending of this story will forever be a source of inspiration and hope for those who need it most.

For addiction may have once consumed my life, but love and resilience have become my guiding stars, leading me towards a future filled with endless possibilities. And with Semi's hand in mine, I am ready to embrace whatever comes next, knowing that together, we can conquer anything.

Narrator Sho: As the video cuts out, everyone in the room looks at me. Some were crying, others were unsure of how to react. But one person, Semi, walks up to me and embraces me in a hug. She looks into my eyes, her own filled with a mixture of relief, love, and understanding.

Semi: Sho, I'm so proud of you. You have no idea how much this means to me. I've seen the struggle you've been going through, and I've been scared for you. But seeing your determination to stay sober, it fills my heart with hope and happiness.

I couldn't help but smile through my tears, feeling the warmth of Semi's embrace. She understood the battles I faced, and she stood by my side, offering her unwavering support.

Sho: Semi, you've been my rock through all of this. Your love and faith in me have given me the strength to keep fighting. I stayed sober not just for myself, but for us, for our future together.

Semi leans in and kisses me, a tender and passionate kiss that speaks volumes of her love and commitment.

Semi: Sho, I believe in you. And I promise to be here every step of the way, supporting you and encouraging you. We'll face any challenges together, and we'll make sure that your journey to sobriety is a successful one.

As the room starts to settle down, others begin to understand the significance of what just transpired. Some approach us, offering words of encouragement and support, while others simply nod in acknowledgment. It's a powerful moment of unity and understanding.

Narrator Sho: From that day forward, I knew I had a strong support system in Semi and the others around me. They became my pillars of strength, helping me navigate through the ups and downs of my journey to sobriety.

It wasn't always easy, and there were moments of doubt and temptation along the way. But every time I felt weak, I remembered the love and trust that Semi had shown me. She believed in me when I struggled to believe in myself.

Together, we faced the challenges head-on, seeking professional help and finding healthy coping mechanisms. And slowly but surely, my life began to change for the better.

The path to recovery wasn't linear, and there were setbacks and hurdles to overcome. But with the love and support of Semi and my newfound support system, I learned to pick myself up and keep moving forward.

Narrator Sho: Years have passed since that day, and I can proudly say that I have remained sober. It hasn't been easy, but the journey has been worth it. I am now a mentor to others who are battling their own addictions, using my experience and story to inspire and guide them.

And through it all, Semi has been my constant source of love and support. She stood by me when things got tough, and she celebrated my victories with me. We have built a strong and resilient relationship, one that is founded on trust, understanding, and unconditional love.

As I reflect on my journey, I am grateful for every person who believed in me, even when I struggled to believe in myself. And I am especially grateful for Semi, who saw the potential in me and helped me become the person I am today.

Narrator Sho: The promise I made to myself that night, to stay clean and live a fulfilling life, has become my reality. And I owe it all to the unwavering support and love of those around me.

And as I continue on this journey of recovery and self-discovery, I am reminded of the power of love and the strength that lies within us all. No matter how dark the road may seem, there is always hope for a brighter tomorrow.

[thestupidhelmet]

What would you say are the core personalities of the six? I don't know if you've made a meta about this already since I'm fairly new here. Love your blog!

Thank you! 😊

I’ve written a few metas on the characters’ personalities or characterizations. But I’ll write up what I interpret their consistent core characterizations to be. First, a preamble.

Unfortunately, That ‘70s Show’s writers had a tendency to forget, ignore, or outright change the characters’ core characterizations, too often introducing new elements -- to serve plot -- that conflict with earlier established personality traits confirmed and reconfirmed by many episodes that followed. This is different than character development, which is grounded often in incremental changes over several / many episodes or even seasons. 

Most of these revisions of the characters’ core personalities are negative. Only one I can think of is positive: Hyde’s in “Prom Night” (1x19). The core of his character gets a complete overhaul once his role as Eric’s villainous foil and rival for Donna’s affection is over.

Because of the show’s inconsistent writing, one can pick and choose which consistently depicted attributes are the truly canon parts of a character’s personality. Later in the series, these consistently depicted attributes often conflict. When I write fanfic and @those70scomics​, I depicts the characters according to what I believe are their core personalities. Other people can reasonably view their core personalities differently. 

Now to answer your question.

Fez

He’s insecure about fitting in with his group of friends and among Americans in general. This insecurity sometimes manifests as neediness with friends and girlfriends alike.

He’s loyal to his friends and generally caring. He doesn’t like hurting their feelings. He’s in touch with his emotions and sensitive, which means he can be hurt rather easily by his friends’ or others’ thoughtless remarks toward him -- or hurt by what he misinterprets as an insult (e.g., Hyde telling Fez he needs to act aloof to attract women, and Fez believing Hyde is calling him “a loof,” which Fez apparently thinks is a put-down).

He’s not defenseless, however. He’s got a quick wit and comes back with cutting remarks of his own or simply cuts off his friends with his catchphrase and its varieties (i.e. “Good day. ... I said good day!”)

He’s passionate, but this passion variously paired with his insecurity, neediness, and sensitivity can cloud his judgement, which causes him to go too far in many areas: dirty jokes, masturbation, pursuit of unavailable girls, eating candy, etc. 

He suffers from Nice Guy syndrome with Jackie during seasons 2 and 3. This means he has a sense of entitlement to Jackie’s romantic and sexual affection, and his respectful treatment of her is predicated on the expectation of romantic and sexual reward. Once he realizes that she’ll never reciprocate his romantic feelings, his respectful treatment of her diminishes greatly. 

In season one, he’s depicted as insightful to other people’s feelings and motivations. In seasons 1-4, he’s also depicted as romantic and a romantic. He’s a serial monogamist, but he suffers somewhat from toxic masculinity (e.g., calling Jackie little girl when he believes she’s overstepped her bounds) and sexism (e.g., often calling girls whores; once this insult is prompted by a girl who does not put out sexually, which is the opposite of the meaning of whore). With Rhonda, though, this toxic masculinity and sexism seem not to be evident.

He longs for intimacy, whether platonic (men) or romantic (women). See this meta about how the show writes Fez and Kelso’s relationship as near-romantic in later seasons while also (re)affirming Fez and Kelso’s canonical straightness to keep T7S’s universe a heteronormative one.

Fez is obsessed with losing his virginity, but for the first four seasons of the show, the depiction of this obsession falls in line with that of many teenage boys his age. It’s not out of the ordinary. Eric is shown to have the same obsession until he and Donna finally have sex. Further, Fez’s obsession is not so all-encompassing that he can’t put it aside for love. He does so for his love of Rhonda -- until “Everybody Loves Casey” (4x26), where the best parts of his core characterization are destroyed. See my meta The Deterioration of Fez’s Character for details.

My Take: I prefer to write the insightful, loyal Fez who sometimes doesn’t know how far to push a joke. He can be insecure, but he’s also got a strong moral center and sense of what’s right and wrong -- or develops this sense more thoroughly during a given story. He’s flawed but very capable of growing and changing due to his ability to examine his own behavior and love for his friends.

Kelso

In season one, Kelso is a math and tech prodigy who has little common sense and or will power. He’s also loyal to Eric and Hyde and clearly loves them, but his impulsivity and addiction to sexual pleasure drive him to act thoughtlessly. He displays a sense of entitlement but not a pathological one. He’s capable of apologizing for his thoughtless and entitled behavior.  See this meta about “Ski Trip” (1x13) for an in depth analysis of Kelso’s behavior during that episode.

After season 1, his math and technology knowledge is gonet. His selfishness and sense of entitlement overshadow his loyalty to anyone (or anything) other than fulfilling  his own needs and desires. His lack of common sense becomes cartoonish. He acts maliciously when he feels slighted, which happens when he doesn’t get what he believes he’s entitled to. He relentlessly pesters Jackie verbally and physically for sex when she just wants to sleep. He’s pathologically narcissistic, vain, and dishonest.

During the end of season 3 and beginning of season 4, however, he begins to grow and change. He experiences and express remorse toward Jackie for treating her so badly -- without any expectation of return. His selfishness fades significantly, as does his lying, but neither attribute disappears completely. He’s capable of putting his own wants and desires aside for Jackie’s, but she sometimes has to assert herself more than once for him to do so.

During the end of season 4, unfortunately, he not only reverts back to type, he also becomes worse. He rescinds his remorse and gives Jackie the responsibility for his cheating. He speaks misogynistically about women and her, and is just generally awful. See my metas Jackie Kissing Todd “the Cheese Guy” and Kelso’s Reaction and False Equivalency: Kelso’s “Most Romantic Gesture” Toward Jackie for further analysis.

In season 5, Kelso reaches the peak of his self-entitled narcissism, selfishness, hypocrisy, and possessiveness over Jackie. He interprets Jackie dating Hyde as an act of betrayal and an attack on his pride and self-esteem. He seeks out revenge on both of them, even while trying to “win Jackie back” with the same kind of maliciousness he shows Jackie in season 2 when she doesn’t forgive his cheating within a week of her discovering it. 

Throughout the series, he makes unwanted sexual advances toward Donna. He tries to grope her breast repeatedly while she sleeps. He tries to sneak a glimpse of her breasts while she changes, and she’s so sick of his whining that she gives into what he wants (in “Class Picture” [4x20]). The writers intended this scene to be funny, but it’s actually horrific and parallels Jackie’s complaints about Kelso pawing at her and whining relentlessly for sex that she gives in so she can sleep.

He makes these numerous sexual advances on Donna when she’s in a relationship with Eric and when she and Eric are broken up. Yet he when he and Jackie are no longer together, he acts like Hyde has committed a crime against him for being in a consensual relationship with Jackie.

Without Ashton’s comedic timing and likability, Kelso would be unbearable to watch during seasons 1-5. Kelso is funny only because of Ashton’s performance.

But in season 6, Kelso gets another chance at a true character growth arc. He fights his selfish, cowardly tendencies to have a place in Brooke’s life and their child’s (whom hasn’t been born yet). He works hard to prove his ability to be a good father. and himself worthy of Brooke’s love. Even more, he makes an act of utter unselfishness and sacrifice by letting Brooke and their baby go  -- to live Chicago with Brooke’s mom -- because that’s what’s best for them, not him.

That being said, he still demonstrates an amount of selfishness toward his friends.

Season 7 again drops him back to status quo -- almost. Brooke is gone. He’s barely involved in his child’s life. He dates Hyde’s newfound sister, in part to burn Hyde. But at least he treats Angie with respect and is faithful to her, as far as we’re shown. So that part of his growth from season 6 stuck.

Throughout all the seasons, he’s shown to have a vast imagination. He fancies himself an inventor or an astronaut. He comes up with some wild -- and some might say insane -- ideas. He’s creative despite not being very skilled.

My Take: I generally write Kelso as a selfish, self-entitled narcissist because of when my T7S fics take place in the series. I also use his lack of common sense as comic relief. But I prefer the Kelso capable of growth and change, the one who is willing to put his own needs and desires aside for the benefit of other people. This latter characterization development has continued in @those70scomics​, and I’ve given him major growth arcs in my stories Reflections Through the Glass, Beneath a Shattered Sky, and Those Who Play with Demons (which I have yet to finish writing).

Eric

Eric has a compassionate heart. He cares about his family, his friends, and people in general. But he also suffers deep insecurities about his masculinity thanks to Red’s treatment of him. Eric is more in touch with his emotions, like his mother, and Red has trouble relating to him. Red also worries Eric might be too emotionally vulnerable to survive the real world, which is why he’s so hard on him (see “Hunting” [2x13]).

Because of modeling his dad gives him on masculinity, the clear messages that Eric isn’t masculine enough, and what he absorbs from observing how society expects men to behave, he suffers from bouts of chauvinism. Donna.is regularly the recipient of Eric’s insecurities about his manliness. He often feels threatened by her self-confidence, athletic ability, intelligence, etc. -- because she’s a woman and his best friend / girlfriend / fiancée. He falsely believes her strengths highlight his weaknesses as a man.

But he’s also patient and unselfish with Donna, putting aside his own sexual desires for her need to go slowly or for celibacy (in season 6). He’s supportive of her and all his family and friends, including Laurie and Jackie -- both of whom he has an antagonistic relationship with. He’s very loyal to his friends.

Eric uses sarcasm and his quick wit as defense mechanisms. Some might say he’s a little stunted in his growth due to his continued enjoyment of playing with action figures. He indulges at times in his mom’s infantilizing of him while also trying to assert his adulthood.

He has a specific vision for his future: marrying Donna and having a family with her. This vision, however, does not include a career. He doesn’t seem to be passionate about much else besides his relationship with Donna (and having sex with her) and Star Wars. This is a failing of the writers. Eric’s storylines are so Donna-focused that the show gives little space for what else he might be passionate about.

Eric is very much capable of recognizing, owning, and learning from his mistakes. He can be a total ass, but he eventually realizes his behavior and makes correction.

Donna

Donna is confident, athletic, intelligent, and a staunch defender of gender equality (when written consistently). She’s loyal to her friends. She often puts aside her own pride to protect Eric’s self-esteem. She gets angry at him almost only when he’s earned it. See In Defense of Donna (an essay in eight parts) for an in depth analysis on her relationship with Eric.

When she’s in severe emotional pain, she becomes self-destructive. Losing her relationship to Eric at the end of season 3 and her mom moving to California sends her into downward spiral. Earlier, we see this self-destructive trait in “Eric Gets Suspended” (2x09) when her parents pay little attention to her due to their obsession with the latest fads. 

Her parents’ lack of boundaries with her -- exposing her to their marital troubles and making her a pawn in them, as well as not hiding their sexcapades from her -- create a strong sense of boundaries within her.

The state of her parents’ relationship often influences her confidence in her relationship with Eric. She’s afraid sex will destroy her relationship with Eric; but once her parents renew their wedding vows, she has faith enough that romantic relationships can last that she finally feels safe enough to have sex.

She strongly values her independence. She doesn’t want her life and prospects dictated or limited by her romantic relationship with Eric. She witnesses how her dad’s controlling chauvinism stifles her mom’s own independence and dreams for herself, and she refuses to let Eric’s insecurity and chauvinism do that to her.

She’s passionate about writing, both journalistic and fiction, as well as music. She’s playful and forgiving. She doesn’t fit the gender norms of the 1970s. She’s as comfortable playing basketball with the guys as she is decorating a room or gymnasium for an event. She has a mixture of femininity and masculinity, which only Jackie seems to insult her about.

Jackie

At her core, Jackie is a compassionate, generous, and insightful person. She gives far more gifts to Kelso during their relationship than he does her -- despite her always stating how much she wants presents. She gives Donna lots of advice and support during Donna and Eric’s transition from friends to lovers. She continues to give Donna advice and support throughout the series about her love life.

But Jackie can also be very controlling, insulting, and selfish. She’s quite vain, but she’s also insecure about all she acts secure about. See Does Jackie Become Less Insecure about Her Physical Appearance when She Dates Hyde? If So, Why? 

Jackie has abandonment issues because of her parents. Her father isn’t home a lot and often shows his love for her through presents. The latter is why she wants / expects to get gifts from her boyfriend(s). She develops a marriage obsession out of wanting a guarantee she won’t be abandoned by her romantic partner, despite that marriage doesn’t actually guarantee this.

She also has a tendency toward self-delusion. She so needs Kelso to be whom she wants him to be that she goes into denial about his infidelity and all the negative qualities of his I described above. Eventually that delusion is broken, only to be replaced by delusions about Hyde. She transfers her feelings of (relationship-)safety from Kelso to Hyde.

Only when Kelso breaks her heart for the final time at the end of season 4 does she break out of this delusion cycle. She fantasizes about what her future with Hyde might be like, but that isn’t the same as deluding herself. Plus, Hyde consistently disabuses her of these unrealistic fantasies and offers her a much healthier and happier potential reality.

Once she’s with Hyde in season 5, she begins growing and changing significantly. Instead of complaining of her suffering as she does, for instance, during her S2-S3 break-up with Kelso, she hides the fact her mom has completely abandoned her after her dad goes to prison. She tells no one her mom hasn’t come home from Mexico.

This is not one of the healthier changes she makes in season 5, but fantasizing away her pain no longer works as a defense mechanism. Instead, she believes she has to face her struggles alone. Fortunately, Hyde discovers the truth and gives her a safe place and, in a very real way, becomes a literal safe place for her himself. (The writers screwed this up for the sake of a season-ending cliffhanger, but that’s beyond the scope of this meta.)

Jackie can be stubborn and determined. She wants what’s best for the people she loves, especially Hyde. She’s extremely forgiving. She doesn’t trust her ability to take care of herself, but she learns that she can (through getting a job, Hyde’s encouragement, her public access TV show, etc.)

She’s a complex character. When people don’t look beyond her surface, they find her easily dismissible. The writers too often wrote her this way during the series. But they also added many layers to her, as I’ve described in this meta.

Hyde

See the following metas I wrote about him:

Hyde’s Core Characterization Steven Hyde: Organic Character Development Steven Hyde: Inconsistent Characterization Hyde’s Character Shift from Season 4 to Season 5 Why Hyde Closes Himself Off More Emotionally in Season 5 Pathological Passive-Aggressiveness: A New Personality Trait Added to Hyde’s Character in Season 5 Hyde’s Potential Career

[decent0distraction]

I need to talk about this cause I have no friends and my roommates are mean.

Here's context: https://decent0distraction.tumblr.com/post/615899981117800448/okay-so-im-not-saying-that-i-scrapped-my

Here's some details I just wanna talk about:

- Edward is written as depressed and suicidal, but in the way that he just doesn't want to live, but isn't necessarily trying to die. We cover this in the first two chapters.

- Speaking of the first two chapters, romance doesn't come in for a while. I didn't like how fast everything was in canon; we go from girl sees vampire, vampire obsesses over girl, girl meets vampire, girl and vampire are immediately together.

- The beginning of the story focuses on Edward dealing with thoughts of how he's nothing but a monster and that he sees himself as dead, or should have died. Sad boi hours ™

- And he proceeds to ignore his thirst and pretty much stops hunting altogether. Carlisle doesn't push, but he does try to subtly put Edward in situations where he has to hunt (telling him he needs to go with Jasper after school to avoid any issue/calling him out of school for an hour so he has an excuse/no option but to go)

- Edward's deterioration in health is purely my stupid imagined way a vampire might slowly start to "die" from starvation

- His vision will blur and he'll get dizzy if he moves too fast or pushes himself too far

- He's easily tired

- At one point, he can't read minds without getting headaches

- In the first chapter, instead of hunting like Carlisle intended for him to do, Edward just plans to sit in the woods for an hour and just vibe

- But he hears, never actually sees, a wolf; reads it's mind and it thinks about killing him

- And of course, the iron deficiency equivalent of vampire starvation gets the worse of him and he almost passes out, the 'wolf' disappearing

- The wolf is supposed to hint towards Edward meeting Jacob and the pack, and a later issue, but for now it's just for Edward to suffer and question his sanity

- Edward almost passes out in front of Jasper and our angsty boi goes all big brother on our sad boi

- He literally carries Edward downstairs, catches him a rabbit, and gets him to take it

- Wholesome content = Jasper looking out for Edward and keeping him alive

- In the first chapter, Jasper convinces Edward to go with him when he goes to buy a new motorcycle, which was hand built by our wolf boi

- And in the second chapter, Jasper and Edward walk through the woods to the reservation

- Edward is still weak and as a result clumsy from not eating, so it's a lot of Jasper helping him over roots and stuff and so wholesome ✨

- Edward is cold, cause his vampire defenses are weak af rn, and idk just go with it. Jasper gives him his jacket and it's big on him cause Edward's a bottom in this story (you can NOT change my mind)

- Jasper is low-key pissed about what Edward is doing to himself and they talk about and Jasper kind of yells at our sad boi and Edward realizes he's starving himself because he knows it's slowly killing him

- Jasper and Edward forgive each other and they make it to the reservation

- They meet Jacob, who stares at Edward

- Edward thinks it's because he looks strange; skin hanging off bone and Jasper's jacket pulled around his pale af body

- Yeah, no, sweetie. It's because he thinks you're beautiful and all that poetic shit

- "Here's where (s)he meets prince charming. But (s)he won't discover that it's him till chapter 3." (Maybe)

- I low-key hint that Sam was the wolf in the woods, but I might plot twist that shit. Idk

- (Insert explanation about Edward's body rejecting the rabbit blood here)

- Jasper calls Carlisle, takes our sad boi home

- And I wrote this stupid scene where Carlisle is really cold towards Edward and asks Jasper instead of Edward if he ate that day. He then proceeds to give Edward an IV of nutrients mixed with venom, to start to get Edward healthy again, idk

- I just really wanted a scene where Carlisle goes all doctor on his son and they become his hospital, because so far, Edward has been sort of closed off and cold towards the Cullen family and I felt like I was making them too estranged

- Edward isn't magically not depressed or suicidal anymore, but he does start to try again and this time, he has his family to help him

- Jacob has already shifted in this. So have Leah and Seth

- This means he's all muscle and short hair, and also I have this scene I really like where Edward sees a photo of Jacob with his long hair and he calls him cute and Jacob gets flustered, I'm FINE

- Jacob is told to keep an eye on the Cullens, so he befriends Edward

- But he high key likes the "weird Cullen boy"

- It's cute, ok?

- Edward slowly lets Jacob in, not understanding why Carlisle keeps warning him to stay away from Black and that reservation

- The wolves get restless and dangers arise, Jacob trying to keep Edward away from the war that's been going on between their kinds for centuries

- Edward is kinda naive to that kind of thing, until Jacob transform in front of him and I can't decide if they fight about lies and stuff

That's what I got so far that I can reveal without spoiling too much 😊

Tell me what you guys think???

[greeneyedgardengirl]

Baby bird.

So.

In the last couple of days, I've become one of those people who see a baby bird and then obsess over the supposed fact that there is no way it could survive without me.

It began one morning, when I spotted baby blue tit perched daintily on top of a sign post being well tended by its mother. As I approached, the mother flew off into the nearby trees, leaving the baby teetering backwards and forwards, almost toppling into the hollow post. It then flitted awkwardly off to a neighbouring fence.

The following day I wondered whether I'd see the little bird again; and indeed, I did.

I heard it before I saw it, chirping away from inside the hollow post. I peered in and saw its tiny little form eyeing me nervously. I hesitated, and began to walk away, but stopped. Was it trapped? Was it meant to be in there? I could see no nesting materials and no signs of mother. I did the backwards-forwards steps of someone who knew they shouldn't interfere, but felt they should. Well, I suppose if I got it out, and it was meant to be in there, it could always go back in?

I went back. I peered in. There was an old rusty bolt right across the top of the post, preventing my hand from reaching in and lifting the bird out. What could I do? I looked at the dog lead in my hand, and then examined its fabric handle. Carefully I squeezed it down one side, vaguely hoping the bird would grab hold and be winched to safety...but knowing full well that that wouldn't happen.

The bird fell further down the post. Oh my God. What have I done?! I peeked in once more - and saw it scrabble back to the top of the few stones inside. Ok, so it is quite nimble and can get that far - surely it could get out if it wanted to? Stupid for thinking otherwise. Nature is so much more versatile than we give it credit for. I walked on, pleased with my intervention.

The next day, same time but a good 3° hotter than the previous day, rising to around 29°C; the little bird was still in there... and for some reason it looked even lower. The nettles were crushed around it too so other people had clearly been investigating. If it was going to get out, wouldnt it have by now? I shouldn't interfere - look what happened the last time. It'll be fine, I'm sure.

5pm, same day. The bird will absolutely NOT be fine. No way. Maybe it's already dead? What if it just cooked in there? I could have saved it. I killed the bird! But it might still be ok - I should go and check.

From the kitchen drawer I took my rubber spatula, my plastic egg slice, a small metal whisk which might be good for scooping, and from the garden I took a few stones, because I could raise the level in the post, couldnt I?

Off I went, expecting to see no one with my shopping bag full of implements. On arrival, I found the bird seemingly lower still (but probably not), and gazing up at me, apparently asking for help (but probably not). I took out my little wisk and with a very gentle, simple scoop, out the baby popped, flitted, and crash landed in the grass. I began to fill the post with stones, happy with the result and intending to pick the bird up and pop it next to the post.

Then someone appeared, staring at me. I smiled sweetly.

"Hello,"

"Hi."

"You ok?"

"Yeah, I need to-" she gestured to the gate I was stood in front of.

"Oh, sorry," I stepped out of the way and let her through.

"You know there's a nest in there don't you?"

Pause.

"Yeah, well, there was but there has only been one baby in there for days and it seemed to be trapped. I've just got it out,"

"Have you? Well, there were about three I there the other day,"

"Yeah, no there isn't now - I thought this little bird would cook, there's no sign of mum either,"

"Mm, ok..."

Shit.

Shiiiiit.

Now I wait for cyclists, dog walkers, joggers to go past, finish with the pleasantries and get out of the way so I can scoop up the baby bird and check that I havent just walled-in a load of baby birds.

I rush back to the post and peer in. My stones have fallen only to one side and there is definitely no nest. I put my ear to the hole and listen (it stinks by the way). No noise. No chirping and no sign of scratching. There was definitely no babies left in there.

I awkwardly scramble through the nettles and over the barbed wire fence, telling myself that I owe it to this bird to suffer any unpleasantness I experience for interfering in the first place. Its still sitting, wings akimbo, in the grass.

Very tenderly I cupped the tiny baby in my hands, feeling its minute toes squeezing my finger. I lower it onto the sign post and let it step across, appearing to understand what I had done (but probably not).

I vault back over the fence and stand, meeting the baby bird's steady gaze. I go to take a step towards it, and it leaps, so confidently into the air, swoops, and from nowhere is met by its mother.

They fly away together, up into a tall, sunny tree, and perch.

I'm glad I interfered.

This is what you should actually do:

[writinginstardust]

Can’t Fight Love

Pairing: Isaak Andreyev x reader

Warnings: brief mentions of being stabbed, tiny bit of suggestive conversation

A/N: this was supposed to be really short but i’m me so 🤷‍♀️ is there even much point me explaining anything or talking here? there’s like 1 person who’s gonna read this. it’s cutish so enjoy! (oh also I seem to have a little bit of an obsession with Isaak’s hair and still have an inability to come up with decent titles)

Word Count: 3285

*

We were sparring the last time I saw Isaak.

"Your stance was off," he said, his face mere inches from my own and our bodies entirely too close for me to form cohesive thoughts.

"Shut up," I mumbled trying to ignore the heat radiating from his body and what could be a rather compromising position. It was about all I could manage.

"Don't be a sore loser." He grinned as he lifted his weight off me. It was a relief to put some space between us but I couldn't help mourning the loss of contact. He held out a hand and effortlessly pulled me to my feet as I took it. "Want to go again?"

"Sure, if you think you can handle it," I said with a smirk, feigning far more confidence than I had any right to. He rolled his eyes.

"Well I've beat you the last 6 rounds so I think I probably can."

"Don't get cocky on me Andreyev."

"Wouldn't dream of it." He grinned and we got into position. We were actually pretty evenly matched so I knew I could beat him if I wanted and he knew it too. I'd been holding back before, but not this time.

"Ha. Now who's stance was off?" I panted once I'd finally got him pinned.

"Still yours." He grinned and Saints did he look gorgeous. His hair, damp with sweat, messy and beginning to curl a little, some of it sticking to his skin which was flushed from the exertion. His chest heaving as he caught his breath, occasionally brushing against my own where I was leant over him to hold down his hands. His eyes, alight with mirth, staring up at me, so close I could pick out hundreds of different shades of brown within them.

"Well I still won so…" I shrugged and sat up, dragging a hand across my brow to wipe away the sweat. "Want to call it a day?" Before he could answer a voice from the training room door cut in.

"I'm afraid he'll have to." We both looked over to find Tolya standing there. "The Triumvirate require his presence." We stared at him in surprise for a few moments before Isaak sat up and I realised I was still sat on him. I quickly climbed to my feet and offered him a hand.

"Do I have time to wash first?" Isaak asked.

"If you're quick."

"I better get to it then." He squeezed my hand and smiled at me. "I'll see you later (Y/N)."

"See you." And he left.

That was 3 weeks ago. Tamar had told me he was needed for an important, top secret assignment and not to worry but it hadn't stopped me. He could be dead or hurt and i wouldn't even know. He hadn't even said goodbye and it hurt. So, when I got called off duty the evening after Nikolai's party with the news that Isaak was in the infirmary, my heart leapt into my throat and I immediately assumed the worst. It took a lot of self-control not to run across the whole palace just to see him sooner and assure myself that he was okay.

When I reached the infirmary, I found him sitting up in bed looking...not quite himself. His eyes just slightly too light and his hair a little too blond. And of course the scar visible on his bare chest wasn't right either.

His face lit up when he saw me and he beckoned me over. I hesitated for just a moment when I noticed Nikolai, the Bataar twins, and the entire Triumvirate taking up much of the space around his bed. They all looked between Isaak and I knowingly. It was as if they could sense I was in love with him though I had no idea how. I was worried that Isaak himself might know, he knew me so well and if they'd all realised then how could he have not?

"Ah, (Y/N), lovely to see you," Nikolai said with a welcoming smile. "How's the family? Has your sister had her baby yet?" I was surprised he remembered that with all that had been going on. But then that was just another of the reasons he was such a good King. He remembered everyone.

"They're quite well thank you. Katya had twins last week." I immediately felt more at ease and moved to take a seat beside Isaak.

"Girls?"

"Yes, thankfully. Hopefully I'll be able to go home to meet them soon."

"Take next week, I'll sort it out for you."

"That's very kind of you mon tsar."

"It's no trouble, family is important. Now, there's a few things you deserve to have explained to you about the past few weeks but we'll give you two a few minutes first. I have a feeling you need it." He looked between Isaak and I with a small smile before ushering the others away. They didn't go far though, staying within earshot at the bed of a Shu girl who was the room's only other occupant. All of them tried to look like they weren't eavesdropping but i could tell they were paying more attention to us than whatever conversation they were having. It didn't particularly bother me though. Not when I finally had Isaak back.

"Hi," he said, his adorable sheepish smile creeping onto his face.

"...Hi? ...Really? You disappear for 3 weeks without so much as a goodbye, turn up in a hospital bed, and you're going with hi?" He deflated a little and I instantly felt awful.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I'm just glad you're alright." I smiled and squeezed his hand. "I'm going to need an explanation for this though." I tapped the scar on his chest.

"I...uh...might have gotten a little bit stabbed."

"YOU WHAT!?" I yelled and could feel tension seep into the air.

"Not to criticise, Isaak," Nikolai said into the charged silence that followed, "but you perhaps should have considered approaching that particular subject with a little more tact."

"You better have a good explanation for this."

"And he does. For the past few weeks Isaak has been pretending to be me and unfortunately suffered an assassination attempt by the Shu last night." My heart lurched fearfully even though it had already happened.

"Ow." I looked at Isaak and found him wincing in pain at the tightened grip I had on his hand.

"Sorry," I said distractedly as I loosened my hold. What Nikolai said just wasn't comprehensible which is why my first question threw everyone off so badly. "So is that why your hair and eyes don't look right?"

Genya blinked at me. "They're not right?"

"No," I shook my head, trying to clear it, and twirled one of Isaak's curls around a finger. "Too light, and his hair's still too blond." Isaak's cheeks turned a little pink under both our gazes and I felt a soft smile stretch my lips. Until I remembered why we were here and I snapped back out of it.

“Wait, why were you impersonating Nikolai?” Isaak’s eyes flicked to the others in question and mine followed. They nodded at him and he finally answered.

“Because Nikolai was missing until last night. They asked me to step in with all the foreign guests coming and I agreed. That’s also why your guard rotation got switched, you’d have known something was wrong.”

“You could have told me, you know. Or told me something at least, even just said goodbye.”

“I wanted to say goodbye, I wanted to tell you everything, but I couldn't." And I could tell from his voice that he really did mean it.

"Why not?”

“I’m afraid that’s on us,” Tamar spoke up. “It seemed like too much of a risk to have anyone else know even a little of what was going on. No matter how much we could trust them.”

“That...seems reasonable I suppose. But how did all this get you caught in an assassination attempt? Where were your guards?”

As everyone fixed disapproving gazes on Isaak I felt my heart drop. He’d done something stupid. Sure, he’d definitely done it with good intentions, but he’d done something stupid nonetheless.

"What…did you do?"

"He arranged a secret meeting with the Shu Princess, without telling anyone, to declare his love or something in a reckless romantic gesture that I admit was very me. Rather unfortunately though, she was actually a member of the Tavgharad pretending to be Princess Ehri. Stabbed him and herself to frame Fjerda for the assassination of them both." Wow. But also ouch.

Years I'd been falling for Isaak. We'd met during our basic etiquette training when joining the palace guard, trained together, hung out together, fought together when the Darkling attacked. He'd been my best friend for so long and I'd wanted him to be more for almost as long. And foolishly I'd thought he might come to feel the same. Clearly not if this was anything to go by. I took a deep steadying breath and attempted to keep my voice calm as I spoke.

"You're an idiot, Isaak. I'm so happy to have you back and alive but I am beyond mad at you right now. I'm…I need some time. Come find me when you've recovered, okay?" I offered him half a smile, I couldn't manage more, and left without another word. I might have cried if I'd stayed any longer and I didn't want anyone to see that.

*

Isaak came to find me the following afternoon. I was training, kicking another guard's ass with a sword to be precise, when he interrupted me.

"Hi, (Y/N)." I held up my hand to my partner and tossed him my sword to hang up before turning to the door.

"Isaak." Still I was mad at him for everything that had happened but the hesitant smile he was sporting took the edge off. I was pleased to note Genya had fixed his hair and eyes since last night and he looked like his old self.

"Can we talk?" And usually I'd be reasonable and say yes but I was filled with frustration and a lot of feelings I wasn't ready to let him know about just yet.

"I'm not in the mood to talk. Come spar with me." He frowned but removed his jacket and came to join me.

"(Y/N), let me explain…" he tried as I came at him, his words cutting off as he moved instinctively to block my attack.

"No." I spun round and went for his legs but he knew me well enough to anticipate the move and easily remained on his feet.

"(Y/N).." He twisted me and I found myself trapped against his chest.

"Stop. Talking." I swiped at his legs and wrestled free as he regained his footing. We stepped apart and circled each other for a moment.

"I'm sorry, (Y/N), please just talk to me."

I didn't reply and simply came at him again, this time managing to knock him off his feet. Before I could do anything else though, he hooked an ankle around mine and brought me down too. We wrestled for a minute before Isaak finally managed to pin me to the floor. I tried to squirm away but my body was tired from training and he was stronger.

"Why are you so mad at me? I'm sorry I didn't tell you what was going on and I'm sorry for making you worry about me but I was just doing my job."

"That's not why I'm mad at you," I hissed even though that wasn't entirely true. He really didn't get it though.

"Well if it's not that then tell me why." I could hear frustration creeping up in his voice to match my own. He made the mistake of loosening his hold though and I flipped him off me to pin him instead, my face ending up much too close to him as I snapped.

"You want to know why I'm mad at you?" I growled. "I'm mad because I was I was scared, because you did something stupidly dangerous and turned up after three weeks of nothing having been stabbed! And then you go and act like it was nothing! You could have died, Isaak! Do you get that!? Do you have any idea what that would have done to me!? Or did you not even think about that when you decided to go and fall in love with a girl who planned to kill you?" I squeezed my eyes shut and took a breath as I felt tears threatening to fall.

"Why does it matter so much? We've lost friends before, it's a risk of our job." He asked, voice much gentler now.

"It's different this time. I almost lost you."

"But why-" he didn't get it and I finally broke.

"Because I love you!" I yelled and immediately froze. Isaak's eyes were wide with shock, his lips parted with surprise. Everything was still and silent while we both processed my words.

My heart started racing and I began to panic. I hadn't meant to say that. Ever. Slowly I removed my hands from his shoulders and sat up. I had to get out of there. His rejection on top of everything else wasn't something I could take.

Before I could stand, a hand wrapped around my wrist and tugged. I fell forwards, fortunately having enough presence of mind to throw out my other hand to catch myself. My arm buckled though when I felt a soft pair of lips against my own. Isaak's. Unexpected but as perfect as I'd always imagined.

A hand threaded through my hair while another cupped my face and I melted into the touch. I had plenty of questions but they could wait. I never dreamed I'd get this chance so I was going to savour it. Every moment of it.

He pulled away too soon. But I wasn't quite ready to leave the moment. It took a minute while I got my breath back, but I opened my eyes to meet the rich depths of his, sparkling with something new. Hope, love, joy, somewhere in between. The specifics didn't matter. What it made me feel did.

Absentmindedly his fingers trailed across my cheek to rest on my jaw while his thumb stoked my red, kiss-swollen lower lip. The tenderness of that touch alone had my heart crying out in joy. His smile made me melt and the corners of my mouth tugged cautiously with one of my own as I reached up to lay my own hand atop his.

"I love you too," he whispered, the words and the warmth of his voice wrapping around me and seeping into my very being. He loved me. He loved me. Suddenly nothing else seemed to matter.

"I'm still mad at you," I murmured anyway, thoughtlessly twining our fingers together and bringing his hand to rest beside his head. The action definitely undermined my words but I couldn't bring myself to care.

"Of course you are." He rolled his eyes and chuckled lightly. "Can we save the lecture for later though?"

"Depends."

"On what?"

"On whether you're going to kiss me again."

"Which way avoids the lecture?" He asked with a cheeky grin.

"Saints, you've spent too long pretending to be Nikolai." I couldn't help grinning along with him though. "Just kiss me, Isaak."

It was even better than the first time now I knew it was coming. The hand still tangled in my hair moved to rest lightly on my waist, a soft sigh escaping me as his fingers grazed the skin there. At the noise, his lips moved more confidently against my own and I opened my mouth in a clear invitation. An invitation he happily accepted.

Everything was slow, languid, every touch savoured and lingering, turning my blood thick and molten. I idly traced his jaw with my free hand, tilting it just slightly to slot our lips together better before sliding it up to tangle in his hair. A pleased hum followed the action and a little smile slipped onto my face as I proceeded to twirl a lock around my finger.

“What are you smiling about?” he asked when I pulled back a little to take a breath.

“You.” I dragged my hand through his hair again and once more that happy little noise escaped him. “You’re cute.” He blushed at that but it only made him cuter.

“You’re one to talk.” He wrapped an arm around my waist and rolled so I was laying on the floor now instead.

“Why’s that?”

“Because you.” He prodded lightly at my stomach, making me giggle. “Are.” He pressed a kiss to my neck, somehow finding the right spot to draw an appreciative hum from my lips. “The.” His hand moved to caress my cheek as his lips travelled higher. “Cutest.” He pecked my nose and my face scrunched up in a smile.

"You're so cheesy." Before he could do anything else funny or cute I brought his lips back to mine, not wasting any time before deepening it. Unfortunately someone decided to interrupt us far too soon.

"Saints, Isaak, I'm fairly sure I said to go make up with her not make out with her." Isaak turned a frankly hilarious shade of red as he pulled away and we both turned in the direction of Nikolai's voice. He was leaning in the doorway of the training room beside a smirking Tamar, looking far too pleased.

"I'm sure he made up with her first," Tamar said. "(Y/N) seemed pretty angry before, she'd probably have punched him if they hadn't talked first."

"Good point."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that," Isaak said uncertainty as he glanced between us all. "She hasn't forgiven me yet."

"Are you sure? Given what we walked in on, I'd say you looked forgiven enough." Nikolai raised an eyebrow and grinned.

"He's somewhat forgiven." I looked back at Isaak and twirled his hair around my fingers with a grin. "If you hadn't interrupted maybe he'd be completely forgiven."

"I don't know how much more it was going to take but I think it's good we came when we did." I almost choked at Tamar's implication and felt my cheeks heating as Isaak buried his face in my neck to hide the way his was burning too.

"I...assure you, it wouldn't have gone that far," I coughed out.

"Mmmhmm." I couldn't see it but I knew that infuriating smirk was plastered on Nikolai's face. "Well, we came to let you know that we've sorted a couple of weeks for you both to go see (Y/N)'s family and you're both being promoted when you get back. Sorry but you'll have to see a lot more of us all."

"You're trying to kill me, all of you." I grinned at Nikolai though, he knew I was only joking.

"Not deliberately, I assure you. We'll leave you two alone now," he winked as he turned to leave, "don't have too much fun."

"Or get a room if you do!" Tamar called back as she followed him out of the room. Isaak spluttered out an attempt at a defence but was too flustered to manage any words.

"Sounds like a good idea to me." He turned to me with wide eyes and that adorable flush deepening on his cheeks. "Relax Isaak, I'm kidding." I laughed and leaned up to kiss him. "Start with dinner. Tomorrow?" His smile was pure sunshine and my heart felt light for the first time in weeks.

"Dinner sounds great."

*

Tag Lists: (send an ask if you want to be added!)

Everything: @wonderfilledness

Grishaverse: @thats-so-bucky

[library-mermaid-blog]

I'm in a reading rut! Do you have any recommendations? Books like The Raven Cycle series, maybe? ❤️❤️❤️

@prettyygirlx  Hi!! Do I EVER haha, sorry that I had to let this sit for a few days until I had time to actually answer fully! I’ll divide these as book recs from one character each, with associated themes! As a note, I’ll include non-YA books that are nevertheless thematically similar bc as we know TRC is a witticism-riddled YA romp with decidedly darker themes….we have been blessed. For ease of bookmarking, I’ll include a summary from goodreads + a link, and I’ll comment briefly on why I recommend it for fans of TRC, too!

Book Recommendations Based on The Raven Cycle:

• • • BLUE SARGENT’S REC: • • • — The Basic Eight by Daniel HandlerFlannery Culp wants you to know the whole story of her spectacularly awful senior year. Tyrants, perverts, tragic crushes, gossip, cruel jokes, and the hallucinatory effects of absinthe – Flannery and the seven other friends in the Basic Eight have suffered through it all. But now, on tabloid television, they’re calling Flannery a murderer, which is a total lie. It’s true that high school can be so stressful sometimes. And it’s true that sometimes a girl just has to kill someone. But Flannery wants you to know that she’s not a murderer at all – she’s a murderess.REC BC: First of all, Daniel Handler, also known as Lemony Snicket. And I’m not biased bc he wrote a series about children who share my last name; he’s just a truly enjoyable writer to hear from. A smart, dark book with an unreliable narrator and plenty of high school fun. Heathers meets The Secret History (also on this list).• • • HENRY CHENG’S REC: • • • — Six of Crows Duology by Leigh BardugoSix dangerous outcasts. One impossible heist. Ketterdam: a bustling hub of international trade where anything can be had for the right price—and no one knows that better than criminal prodigy Kaz Brekker. Kaz is offered a chance at a deadly heist that could make him rich beyond his wildest dreams. But he can’t pull it off alone…Kaz’s crew are the only ones who might stand between the world and destruction—if they don’t kill each other first.REC BC: Similar sense of humor and camaraderie with our titular Band of Snarky Weirdos, themes of the search for a home and a meaningful purpose in the world, and how to communicate that with others. Not to mention that Wylan Van Eck Is My Golden Son, and in my head…I play a supercut of Blue Sargent and Noah Czerny and Henry Cheng and Kuwei Yul-Bo’s Fabulous Four friendship.• • • ADAM PARRISH’S REC: • • • — A Great and Terrible Beauty (+ Gemma Doyle Trilogy) by Libba BrayA Great and Terrible Beauty is a curl-up-under-the-covers kind of book … a vast canvas of rustling skirts and dancing shadows and things that go bump in the night. It’s a vividly drawn portrait of the Victorian age, a time of strict morality and barely repressed sensuality, when girls were groomed for lives as rich men’s wives … and the story of a girl who saw another way.REC BC: Mysterious and Unknowable AF, Adam Parrish would devour the hell out of this book tbh. This is an eternal favorite of mine, not just for its rich setting and amazingly creepy scenes, but for the relationships, characterization, and abject hilarity that Bray somehow manages to fit seamlessly into a novel about death and gas-lit darkness. In true Parrish tradition, this series is about carving your own destiny, the influence of power and sacrifice, things that go bump in the forest, and mysterious surly men who want you to join them on a vision quest for totally platonic reasons.• • •  PRESIDENT CELLPHONE  RICHARD CAMPBELL GANSEY III’s REC: • • • — The King Must Die by Mary Renault“Men would be as gods, if they had foreknowledge.” In myth, Theseus was the slayer of the child-devouring Minotaur in Crete. (Theseus is) a king of immense charisma, whose boundless strivings flow from strength and weakness—but also one steered by implacable prophecy.REC BC: Mary Renault is famous for her historical fictions and retellings of myths. Her Theseus novels are elegant explorations of how a man becomes a legend, how a legend becomes a myth, and beyond and before all of that, Death. This is not a lighthearted adventure book, but it is a truly gratifying novel to read.• • • NOAH CZERNY’S REC: • • • — The Secret History by Donna TarttUnder the influence of their charismatic classics professor, a group of clever, eccentric misfits at an elite New England college discover a way of thinking and living that is a world away from the humdrum existence of their contemporaries. But when they go beyond the boundaries of normal morality they slip gradually from obsession to corruption and betrayal, and at last - inexorably - into evil.REC BC: This book always makes lists with TRC for a reason. It is deeply settled into ‘purple prose’ (aka long descriptions are given precedence over snappy action) but I personally believe that it is even more rewarding for that. The experience of reading this book is paramount to the plot itself, IMHO. You’ll find yourself writing down quotes every few pages, for sure.

• • • RONAN LYNCH’S REC • • • 1. Stare for way too long and give him a tin of organic shea butter from your dreams. 2. Become a farmer3. Profit.60% of the time it works every time.jk but rlly• • • RONAN LYNCH’S REC • • • — The Diviners Series by Libba BrayEvie O’Neill has been exiled from her boring old hometown and shipped off to the bustling streets of New York City—and she is pos-i-tute-ly ecstatic. It’s 1926, and New York is filled with speakeasies, Ziegfeld girls, and rakish pickpockets. The only catch is that she has to live with her uncle Will and his unhealthy obsession with the occult. Evie worries he’ll discover her darkest secret: a supernatural power that has only brought her trouble so far.REC BC: We all know Ronan Lynch reads turn of the century girl power YA in his spare time, c’mon. And we all know Ronan and Adam are picking out their books together. No but really, I love Libba Bray. I included her twice for a reason, she’s hilarious and she’s great at her job. The Diviners features an oddball cast of characters with supernatural secrets (we all know how Ronan Lynch feels about these,) centering on Evie, who was recently kicked out of her hometown for being a little too much…herself. I really hope that you find something you love, either in these or using these as a jumping-off point! I’m about to start The Foxhole Court which I know is also adored by TRC fans, so if you haven’t checked that out, I can’t personally recommend it yet bc I only rec things I’ve read, but go for it!

[scuttleboat]

If you're still up for it, i'm curious if you have any thoughts on what Bellamy's overall journey will be this season? Aside from, y'know, his whole (imo, unnecessary) redemption arc.

note: written after 406 

I think we’re in the middle of it, and one of the things that has been somewhat frustrating is that it’s kind of muddy what either Clarke or Bellamy’s character arcs are going to be. We’re halfway through, but neither of them have developed much or changed much since 403.  Octavia’s loss seemed like it would be significant but we still don’t know what the fallout will be for Bellamy.

Redemption in The 100

The concept of redemption is something that I think we as viewers have been hashing over since the first truly terrible things began to happen in season 2. We ask: 

Do these characters need to be redeemed? 

Is a redemption happening on screen?  

Even if we (the fans) may not think a “redemption arc” is required to like a character’s storyline, does that character themselves feel that they need to be redeemed in order to sleep at night?

What are the benchmarks of a “redemption arc” anyway, since it’s a thing that everyone talks about, yet seems to mean radically different things to different viewers.

Do we measure it by the religious ideas of penitence, atonement, etc? Or is there a pop fiction criteria for redemption that is unique to media, such as ‘feeling bad and doing something good so that the viewers are okay rooting for you again’?

Is a “redemption” possible in the accelerated timeline of the show, since on other series such a thing spans seasons or even the run of a series?

Why is everyone so sure that redemption arcs are happening or necessary?

And the one that gets to me:

Does the show even care about redemption as a storytelling trope, or is it enough in this world just to change one’s behavior?

That’s the one i think about a lot, wrt to characters like Bellamy, Lexa, Clarke, Kane, Jaha… who I’ll draw on since they’re some of the people with the highest body counts who are POV characters. With Clarke, she was devastated after 216, and she disappeared into the woods for 3 months. I think it was a conversation I had with @reblogginhood (so informative! she knows things.) last year about whether this period of forced isolation (similar to her year in the skybox) was her atonement for the deaths she allowed or caused in season 2.  In that case, her guilt was such that she seemed to need to punish herself, and the timeline of the series allowed for it.  

Lexa is a different case altogether: she tried to slaughter the kids at the dropship, she betrayed her allies and left them to be cannibalized, including the person she was falling in love with.  And yet, Lexa never displayed any indicators that she was undergoing a redemption arc, or even that she felt obligated to undergo one. I don’t think betraying Skaikru was a light decision for her by any means, and I think when she decided to protect them in s3 that it was a genuine move. Yet she never wept for the loss of life she caused, she never broke down and screamed and cried over her guilt…it wasn’t even clear that she felt any guilt at all. Responsibility yes, guilt no. She was a divine king doing what she need to protect her realm.  

Kane is another character who seems to feel, like Clarke, that atonement is required for ill deeds. He tries to sacrifice himself at the end of season 1, but Jaha “beats him to it”.  So Kane submits himself to the enemy in a dangerous self-sacrificing gesture in season 2, as his way to atone. That can be read as his redemption… maybe. Or is his redemption not the sacrifices, but actually the acts of good works that followed later? Was Kane’s redemption (for being part of a tyrranical Ark government) actually the choice to become a leader who acts in good faith, wisdom, and honor? Maybe he’s living that redemption every day, doing his best.

So maybe a character either thinks they need to atone or they don’t, what does “the narrative” think?  HA. TRICK QUESTION.  No one knows but JR and it’s up to us to read it and think it over. Fuck JR, go with “death of the author” if you want. In fact, I want to throw 2 definitions out here before I continue. These are, of course, overly simplistic explanations for complex theological and philosophical concepts, but it might help:

atonment - noun

satisfaction or reparation for a wrong or injury; amends.

(sometimes initial capital letter) Theology. the doctrine concerning the reconciliation of God and humankind, especially as accomplished through the life, suffering, and death of Christ.

Archaic. reconciliation; agreement.

redemption - noun

an act of redeeming or atoning for a fault or mistake, or the state of being redeemed.

deliverance; rescue.

Theology. deliverance from sin; salvation.

atonement for guilt.

recovery by payment, as of something pledged.

For a lot of fans on a show this violent and this philosophical, there’s been discussion that a redemption comes “too soon” or isn’t “earned” if there isnt an act of atonement. Or sometimes people say the word “redemption” but they seem to be discussing atonement instead. paying for it, making amends, etc.  And often people talk as if the only way to “be redeemed” is by suffering.  There’s also, however, the concept that redemption comes through good works.  That we make amends for our misdeeds by choosing to do better. There are some acts that are too big to atone for, or there’s no one left to make amends to, and in that case one has to look instead to changing one’s behavior.  Making the choice to change.

And that’s brings me to Bellamy this season… [read more below the cut]

In 401 Kane told Bellamy to take it one day at a time (paraphrasing). Instead of obsessing about the past, make sure you do the right thing going forward, and this will ‘save’ you. While I know the Kane speech didn’t land well with everyone, in the abstract it’s a pretty well travelled philosophical idea. [[I don’t have the education to really get into it, but it’s a big part of some Christian dogma, for sure. I don’t have any education in Judaism but since JR is religious I’m sure that may factor in. And it’s part of American culture, which is where I (raging atheist) have absorbed it by osmosis.]]  When it comes to Bellamy’s character in season 4, especially with regards to a possible redemption… I think Bellamy wants very badly to atone. I think he has wanted that since 311-313 when he finally accepted that his actions were wrong according to his moral perspective. 

However, Bellamy is a very practical person. He doesn’t have time to run into the woods and atone in silent suffering. He doesn’t have time to go on a quest into the desert with 12 disciples looking for the promised land. Bellamy is cognizant of the immediate danger to his loved ones, so he’s going to act to protect them before he’s going to think about indulging in huge dramatic gestures of his sadness. Haters might want him to suffer but that’s just not realistic for this show. The most he can afford right now is to try to talk about his feelings (like to Riley and Echo in 405) or to put others before himself (like not wanting to be on the survivor list). There’s also the pressing matter that even if Bellamy were to do a big sacrificial gesture to atone and to earn redemption through suffering… that won’t help his sister live, and making sure Octavia survives matters a hell of a lot more to Bellamy than his self-image.

So is Bellamy going through a “redemption arc” right now?  Maybe. I don’t think he’s going through atonement, but I do think he’s trying to make wiser choices each day. I think he’s committing, as best he can, to save as many people he can each day (402), and he’s hoping that he’ll find some distant redemption by doing that. (if he’s even consciously thinking of it in those terms, which isn’t at all canon spoken, btw, so he might not be. He’s not trained in ethics or theology.)

What I think Bellamy is going through this season so far is a guilt arc.  He was in it for the back half of season 3, and he’s still in it. As things stand right now, I would like to think that his speech to Useless Riley in 405 was a wrap-up fo that. I felt guilt was pretty appropriate in 3B and starting season 4, since the writers have been trying to write their way back from their dumbfuck execution of his arc in 3a, but if he stays mired guilt for all season 4… that’s pretty one-note. I’m ready for that part of his character to move to the backburner. Not go away (lol this is The 100 after all), but no longer be the first bullet point on his character sheet every episode. I was with it up to a couple weeks ago, but this is mid season now!  I get it, Bellamy feels guilty.  Cool beans, BUT WHAT ELSE?  It’s definitely time for the writers to give him more to do emotionally.  As it is, though, I don’t think the show will let Bellamy move on until they let Octavia move on. That’s how it goes with the Blake siblings– when Octavia forgives Bellamy, he’ll be more able to forgive himself.  And that’s a totally fucked up thing to hinge one’s personal development on someone else…but these are the Blakes. They have a fucked up relationship. And before anyone asks, I’m not gonna get into whether it’s likely for Octavia to have or need a redemption arc because she’s is still in her emotional descent, and we don’t know what the other side is gonna be yet. Her collapse is in process.

To circle back around… I think one could make a really sound argument that  some characters see redemption as necessary (Clarke, Abby) and others don’t (Lexa, Murphy). So I don’t personally think that @the100writers feel it’s necessary every time. I think they’ve written a whole cast of people doing bad things, and some of those people are going to feel they have to make up for their mistakes, while others don’t. Whether or not that matches with what fans want to believe about their faves (Bellamy, Lexa, Murphy, Clarke) is always going to be up in the air.  IMO, it’s in-character for Bellamy to want to make amends, but it’s a fact of their world that he doesn’t have the opportunity. So he’s doing what he can one day at a time. Whether or not other fans think his actions require guilt or amends–and whether or not such things are being successfully shown on screen–is down to how we each interpret the show, and what unique circumstances we bring to our viewing experiences. In that vein, macro perspectives about whether giving a particular storyline to a particular character is an act of contributing to sex- or race-biased storytelling is also going to hugely depend on what what each viewer brings to the table, because not all of us see the same patterns at work.  And it runs into the storytelling reality that characters in spotlight roles means that they’re going to be faced with conflicts, negative circumstances, and ethical dilemmas. There’s supposedly no good guys on this show, so that means all of our faves are gonna do–and endure–terrible things.  Kill the idea that anyone here is a cupcake.*  People are going to die and people are going to kill, even people we think should be portrayed as noble or good. So it’s up to each viewer to look critically at a work of fiction, and talk about it, while at the same time understanding that at the end of the day no individual show or book or film is going to be everything we want, politically.  Whether or not we keep watching when a personal line is crossed is up to each of us to decide.

btw I think a lot of my opinions here about Bellamy’s s4 arc have been shaped by discussion I’ve had this season with other fans, so thanks for talking to me about Bellamy angst. Especially @mego42 and @storyskein and @velvet-tread, and more.  Talking to y’all is enlightening and makes me reconsider things all the time.

[english-ext-2]

Hey I'm curious, how's life Post-HSC? Do you miss high school?

Not really, I don’t miss high school, at least in the sense of “sitting in a classroom from 9 to 3″. There are bits and pieces that I sort of miss, like seeing my friends five days a week, English lessons (you wish I was kidding but I’m not), some of my better teachers, the two week term holidays, and the school routine. It gave my life structure as much as I disliked it, and it was only after frittering away my free time in uni that I began to appreciate the framework four periods a day gave me.

Uni is of course a lot looser with timetables, but it also means the responsibility falls on you to structure your time in a constructive manner. Your learning is largely self-directed and you’re expected to manage your workload appropriately. I loved having less contact hours at first but then I mellowed on the idea because it was difficult for me to remain motivated when I was showing up on campus for a lopsided three hours per unit (keep in mind I speak solely for Arts and Humanities; Science, Med, Engineering and Law are far more intense). Two of those hours were lectures, large and impersonal and with few chances to interact with peers or teachers. The tutorials ran for one hour and unless you shared tutes with the same few people it was hard to engage to the extent that you’d study with them outside of class time. Add that to the four to six hours spent on readings at home and it seemed like a small return for such a large investment of my personal time.

I also miss, just a bit, being able to see my friends daily. Not many people tell you this outright (or maybe they do? idk I’m a bit too sheltered) but adult friendships have a different timbre and tone to adolescent friendships. People learn to prioritise their job/career trajectory, romantic relationships, close family, and especially the people with whom they have regular contact. If you and your friends wind up in different degrees at different universities and with wildly differing timetables, no amount of shared interests and history will hold your friendship together - or at least not to the depth you likely enjoyed in high school. Without mutual interest in each other’s lives a relationship isn’t going to last long. Lack of interest is compounded when you barely see the other person and only receive sporadic messages because they’re busy with assessments, work, etc. Worse still is the feeling that you don’t know your friend when you do see them; the slow, cold realisation your orbits are pulling you further and further away from one another. You can’t stop people changing, for better or worse; you change too, even without being aware of it. So it goes with your friendships. You might lose friends but you gain them too, not necessarily many, just enough. Enough to keep you grounded and enough to love you. I certainly have far less friends than I once did, but the ones I have now are good friends.

The form of friendship changes too: I’m now more accustomed to infrequent meet-ups with quality conversation; online chats stretching across days interspersed with sudden bursts of messaging. I’ve gotten to know many people on a level sufficient for engaging conversation, but not any deeper, and most of those people are related to my workplace. I don’t think my experiences are universal though, and it’s possible for you to enjoy vivid, lifelong friendships with people you meet after high school.    

But all that aside I think life post-high school has been, on the whole, better. You get out a lot more in uni, more engaged in the “real world”, more disillusioned too (uni isn’t for everyone and it’s not the utopia of acceptance and “doing what you love” you thought it was), but it’s a valuable learning opportunity should you take it as one. There’s much more of a positive sense of “growing up” and coming of age that builds on what you learnt in high school, and although personal experiences vary I think exposure to life outside of pure academia is a huge benefit. Even if high school was a relative safe space it was too sheltered at times, and I wouldn’t go back as a student. I know people accuse universities of being much the same (echo chambers for “liberal snowflakes”), but compared to high school I’ve had more freedom to explore who I am.

Though to be completely honest I was very flippant about that freedom and it took me literally three years to figure out that living without literature (reading, writing, studying it) wasn’t much of a life for me. Still, in those three years I also figured out hidden aptitudes (strangely good at Sociology??), discovered a love for travel (was formerly convinced my introversion would be anathema to the travel bug), and reconnected to my cultural roots (improved my Chinese reading comprehension). Not to mention I lived in Canada for eight months, met my online friends, completed a research internship over there while I was at it; and now thanks to my experiences I want to do postgrad overseas.     

Life after high school also means “becoming an adult”, which is one of society’s most misunderstood thresholds. Certain rites of passage like moving out of your parent’s house, living away from home, getting your first full-time job, travelling solo, etc. are all vaguely expected of you (“everyone else is doing it”) and you feel inadequate if you can’t or don’t do these things. I really struggled with this at first, being an introvert in the extreme and reluctant to even go out to club meetings or volunteer (I don’t drink either, which makes socialising a right pain), but I started to ease myself into it. I volunteered, got my L’s, stabilised my friendships, began planning for exchange, wobbling my way to a better mindset. Even after having lived overseas and travelled extensively in Canada there are things I have yet to learn, but at the same time I appreciate how much I’ve grown because of my experiences. It’s this gentle ebb and flow of my growth that stops me from completely losing it in my worst moments: the knowledge that I need to be patient, to be kind to myself, and, when the time comes, to let things go. 

I suppose I mean to let go of people, whether it’s to death, distance or indifference, but I also mean letting go of the past. It’s only natural that when you pivot towards a new chapter in life you instinctively hold on to what you knew as a source of familiarity. But the comfort those memories provide is short-lived and doesn’t reflect the reality of your current circumstances. You can’t occupy two times and expect the present to rearrange itself around your inability to move on. I spent an entire year resenting my high school friends to no productive use, but I eventually learned to accept their leaving me behind and instead committed myself to better causes. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with reflecting fondly on high school or what came before, just that clinging on to those times like a lifeline will, more likely than not, strangle your present.      

Being 18 years old (a legal adult) doesn’t confer upon you the maturity, wisdom, and knowledge of someone twice your age, nor does it mean you immediately become super, hyper competent. There’s a learning curve that comes with adulthood, and it’s long and slow and painful at times; you suffer more than you deserve and with very few gains to show for it. But if you are willing to make difficult decisions, to forgive yourself for them, if you learn and try again, then there’s not much else you can ask of yourself.

Anyway, I know I’ve done a lot less with my post-high school years than my contemporaries. The bare minimum of milestones I’ve hit are a reliable source of regret and self-pity (of disappointment for my mother), but I’m also at a more peaceful and less angry place in life, more receptive to the future, and more willing to live the way I want to.          

[todokori-kun]

THANK YOU SO MUCH, I’m ugly crying on the inside right now. I’m really so glad you liked the art, seriously this means a lot to me TYSM <3

I like how Hisoka turned out too :D I have a hard time looking at him though because WOW that’s way too much trash for once piece of paper

Be glad that I sent you the sassy Saiko, because I also drew a crying Saiko calling for Maman. I decided not to be a troll for once though ^^

I couldn’t do justice to OG Musical Maria though. She’s gorgeous…

That picture of Roy will be my legacy.

(as for the tiny dab, that is also Saiko in case the pic was too small for you to tell XD funny thing is that I wasn’t even intending to have that slip in when I took the picture. I drew a tiny, mouth-and-nose-less ‘I am not impressed’ Urie face next to it too but guess that didn’t make it in haha LOL

I'm actually sorta obsessed with drawing tiny, dabbing figures right now because I just discovered an easy way to draw dabs and…well. It’s fun?)

AWW tysm! Tbh though I get the struggle. I hated all paints for the longest time because I also had no idea how to use brushes and control the amount of water I used and ended up with shapeless blobs or super runny pics (also I’ve never actually learned how to paint or draw…a couple of short lessons when I was really little, a month(?) of lessons around last year or the year before, that’s pretty much it. So idk how to do things really lol). But I sorta-recently got obsessed with watercolor paintings (SO PRETTY) and that’s why I started ‘practicing’ (AKA watching/reading a bunch of tutorials and trying my best to remember the few things I actually learned XD). I still can’t draw stuff just with watercolors though, I need to do a light pencil sketch and then color with paint.

OK that sounds so cool but problem: My phone is a super old flip phone that I’ve had since I was eight(?), so mobile games are a no XD and my parents probably wouldn’t buy me anything that costs money (they let me play simple free RP games and dating games on the internet since those are usually fairly innocent (I mean, it’s plot/character-based stuff, almost like a manga) but not anything too 'big’ you know? If I was old enough to buy games like that with my own money I don’t think they’d care tho, as long as I didn’t get obsessed with games or anything.)

Also just realized that I’m stupid and apparently forgot that I don’t have Steam. I was going to install it but can I ask you exactly what it is/how it works, first? I’m just kinda worried about randomly installing this since I don’t quite get it yet ^^;; (sorry I can be really, really stupid when it comes to stuff like this)

THAT’S SO CUTE. Let me recommend you a game too- a free RPG/Dating game called Ascension by ImpQueen! No download, you just go to ImpQueen and play it. There are three(?) chapters. The first chapter might not be that interesting compared to other games, but the game and the story keep getting more complex as you go on :D you also get new dateable characters every chapter and the MC, Aida, is AWESOME. Also, in chapter two and three you can actually customize the main cast’s appearances, like you’d do in a dress-up game! Another cool thing is that you get different 'personality points' depending on the things you say/do, and the amount of points you have for a certain personality can change the outcomes of certain situations.

It’s also really fun because other than the romance, the plot and Aida’s journey is super interesting too.

Do you know I’ve been reading some Ishida tweets lately and look at this (yes these are all real)

Fan: Excuse me, is it ok if I ask what major you chose at university?

Ishida: I have studied worthless knowledge in University.

Fan: Please take good care of yourself and eat well! (I think that’s what they said? It was in Japanese so)

Ishida: I ate some tomatoes!

Fan: How do you draw Arima, sensei? It’s so hard to draw him ;-;

Ishida: Sadistic & Massive. I keep that in my mind.

Fan: I love you please marry me

Ishida: Sure! When is convenient for you?

Fan: Be sure to rest when you need to, sensei…

Ishida: I don’t wanna rest

Fan: HOW DID AMON’S EYEBROWS GET LIKE THAT PLEASE I MUST KNOW SENSEI

Ishida: It’s natural, you know.

Fan with a picture of a cartoon skeleton for their profile pic: Will we ever learn what happened to Hide, sensei? Also, thank you for the sequel :) I love TG

Ishida: Well, I’m not sure…by the way, you are so skinny. Thank you!

Also, dude reads Shoujo manga. He tortures us with Touken, Kanae, Tsukiyama/Kaneki, Saiko/Urie…and then he goes and posts fanart he drew of a Shoujo manga he was reading and says that he’s sad it’s over omg

0////0

…

I’d probably never want to leave that flask HOW COULD A TINY INSIGNIFICANT HUMAN DEFEAT ME SO EASILY NOOO

*sigh* I didn’t raise you to be like this…

(I just got the funniest/weirdest idea though: So Evans is like Luna’s mom in this relationship, Riza is Roy’s mom. Imagine what would happen when Roy/Luna got to the 'meeting the parents’ stage in their relationship)

Mei’s version of subtle-

Mei: Mr. Scar, Evans thinks you have pretty eyes.

Scar: 

Scar: What

(basically catastrophe. And I would never have actually said that…Luna probably told Mei to say that I said something nice about him and that’s what the kid came up with OTL)

Well, he became a criminal in Civil War so not a big surprise really ;-;

For a second I thought that pic was you

Wow, that’s great! Bet it looks amazing on the queen <3333

Funny thing is I thought I liked physical contact (like cuddling, hugging, hand-holding) but turns out that’s not the case XD I get super awkward when anyone who’s not my mom, dad, or my little sister/younger cousin touches me. Tbh the only person I feel comfortable with cuddling anytime, anywhere is my little sister because she’s still smol LOL

It’s definitely weird when people who aren’t that close with you try to hug you though. The only thing that can make it worse is if they gush about what a good, sweet child you are while doing it XD

(btw, I sent you a message about the TG Re Volume 12 omake; did it get eaten?)

((EDIT AFTER NEW CHAP OF TG: WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUU NO URIE NO N O)) Feel free to send more art anytime! I’ll always be glad to see it ^^

Is he really that bad? I mean, I’ve seen some memes, but didn’t think he was that trashy XD

Oh wow, thank you for that :P Who knows, maybe I would’ve broken my computer screen, because end the suffering already.

Dabbing Saiko, best Saiko. I assumed it was her because of the hair, but wasn’t 100% sure. Isn’t that Urie’s default face, tho. I mean, when is that man impressed? He does show emotion when he’s  trying to comfort someone, but that doesn’t happen very often.  *stares at that paragraph* *dabs aggressively* 

Ah, that’s what makes it even more impressive! I mean, we had art in elementary school, but it was mostly the ‘learn stuff yourself’ kind of art. Needles to say, I didn’t learn a lot. But watercolours really are a nice way of painting, since they can have really vibrant colours, yet be serene at the same time. Most people I know who draw, watercolour or not, use sketches and references, so I don’t see anything wrong with that ^^ Just take your time to learn what you want ^^

Oh, I see! So, free, computer games for you… Well, right now, CP is the only one I can think of, but I’ll discover more in the future and share them with you when I do ^^ The only paid games I play are on my phone, since I’m too shy to ask my parents to but me otome games… I have 0 problems playing them on my own, but not a lot of people know that I play them. 

Right, steam.  It’s a gaming platform. Technically, it’s an app for the computer on which you can download games that are available in the steam store. Some are free, some are paid. 

This is how the page looks. The little green button in the upper left corner is to download the app itself, and you’ll also need to create an account.  You’ll need to give an email, but it’s only for account verification and to send you bills if you decide to buy anything. However, if you don’t buy anything, the email will mostly be useless after the verification. I mean, I don’t remember getting a spam email from them at all.  After that, just go to the search bar, type Cinderella Phenomenon. And press play the game! It should automatically download the game to the steam app and you’re good to play ^^  No worries about asking questions! It’s actually admirable how you’re so careful around the internet ^^

Oh, I’ve actually played that before! I could never finish chapter 3, though… For some reason, it keeps glitching at one scene making me unable to continue further =3= It was quite fun to play! I just don’t remember most of it anymore, since it’s been a while since i’ve played ^^;;;

Ishida summarised my high school experience so far in a single tweet, only it’s about University XD

Wow. That’s so mean of him XD Seriously Ishida, why you gotta torture us so much??? (I just noticed my computer stopped auto-correcting Ishida, I think it finally learned I wanted to type it) 

Muhahahahaha I’ve contained the legendary dwarf!!! Now she won’t be able to convince a whole nation to commit collective suicide because their leader is a naive idiot!!

The two of you just talk about how randomly childish the two of us can get at times XD I think you’d get along pretty well with Riza, though. I mean, she’s a nice person, who knows what it’s like to be scared, so she’d be fine with taking lead of the conversation. 

Scar isn’t sure if it’s Mei’s idea of a prank or not, but he’d be slightly disappointed if it was cause he kindawantedEvanstothinkhiseyesarenice but nope he’s in denial.

From that day on, Luna learns that if she wants to get the two awkward dorks together, she’ll have to take things into her own hands. Probably goes something like this:

Luna: Evans, are you free at 5pm this Friday? Evans: Yeah, why? Luna: Scar, are you free at 5pm this Friday? Scar: Aha Luna: Great, because I’m not! Have fun you two!

My sweet sunshine child cap T^T

Aah, no, my hair i shorter than that ^^;;; Also, I look younger than I am OTL

I think it’s more of the ‘I like physical contact if I know the person and am close enough to them’ thingy. I mean, I have a few acquaintances who love hugs and I always shrink away from them, but with close friends, U’m sometimes the one who starts hugs. But you might also dislike contact in general, which is also fine, everyone has their own preferences ^^

I did, but I only noticed after I answered your message OTL Well, that’s certainly an interesting ship… Now I slightly ship it…