#I really wish we got more slow burn in the new season so we could see them be awkward and cute and AUGHHH

[sugar-tooth]

flustered JFK >>>>

[neonghostlights]

Rockstar!Eddie Munson x Actress!Reader (best friends to lovers-slow burn)

★ Series Summary: It’s the ‘90s in LA and you and your best friend Eddie have both made it big. The following is a series of Interviews, News Reports and One Shots showing you and Eddie’s story throughout the years.

★ Chapter Summary: We've got a flashback. It’s prom season. You rescue Eddie. And something happens that will never be spoken of again.

★ Warnings: Reader wears makeup, a dress, and heels. Bullying. Sad Eddie. Jealousy. Unrequited crush. This is the first time Eddie breaks our hearts. 18+ only.

★ Wordcount: 3.5k

Series Masterlist

Chapter Five: The Prom Incident

May 1985

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Eddie asked as he slammed on the brakes. The tires squealed as the van lurched to a sudden stop. You flew forward in your seat, thankful for the seatbelt you were wearing. Your palms smacked against the dashboard. 

Eddie stared at you, mouth wide and brows lifted high on his forehead in shock. You hadn’t expected the news to slip out. But apparently Gareth likes to gossip and he runs to Eddie with any news he gets. 

Especially if it pertains to you. 

“Eddie, pull the hell over or wait until we get home. We’re in the middle of the damn road,” you snapped, pissed off and embarrassed from his reaction. You wanted to tell him, of course, but after the fact. Not like this. 

Eddie let off the brakes, van picking up speed again as he drove down the back road. You were thankful there were no cars behind you when he did that. Tire marks in the road now proof of his reaction. 

He drove the rest of the way to the trailer park in silence, not even speaking when he put it in park and climbed out. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and marched inside the trailer. You followed silently, you wished you were brave enough to run but he would just follow you to your trailer for the conversation instead and you knew your grandma would be listening to every word. You loved her but she was so nosey. Maybe she could play mediator, you knew she would take your side and tell Eddie to get over himself in the most loving way possible. 

Eddie didn’t speak until you were both sitting in his bedroom. You sat on the bed and fiddled with your fingers awkwardly. Eddie sat in the chair in front of the desk, plucking at his guitar. He wasn’t really playing any music, seemingly lost in thought as he sat with furrowed brows. 

You had enough of his silence. You knew he was doing it on purpose to make you break and it was working. “Are we gonna talk about it or are you going to mope all evening?” You finally asked. 

Eddie sighed, setting the guitar to the side in favor of messing with his rings. 

“Thought you didn’t care about prom,” he finally said. 

“I don’t- I mean I didn't. Not before,” you stuttered out. 

“Before what? Before Chase Clarkes asked you?” He snapped. 

In reality, you had always cared about prom a little bit. You had been saving money all school year by babysitting Will Byers or by helping clean Mrs. White’s house when she had a hard time keeping up with it. Going to prom wasn’t always a sure thing for you, always a fantasy that seemed out of reach. But you got asked out of the blue by Chase who sits beside you in math about a week ago. And you said yes. 

Word must have gotten back to Hellfire about it finally. 

You didn’t think Eddie was going to react quite like this. It just so happened to be the night he had planned for Hellfire to get together for a massive movie night. He had been planning it for a while and you knew he was excited for it. You just didn’t think he would be this bent out of shape over you missing out. You weren’t even a real member of Hellfire, you just watched them play and helped Eddie with his campaigns. It was more of Eddie’s thing, not yours. 

“I can still help make stuff for the movie night,” you offered, trying to soften the blow. 

“That’s not what this is about. It’s about the principle.” 

“What principle? It’s not my fault you hate prom. It’s not my fault you didn’t go last year but I only get one senior year and I want to go,” you yelled. 

Eddie’s face turned red. “Yeah, because I’m such a failure because I can’t pass senior year.” 

You sighed, throwing your head back. You shouldn’t have even brought it up. You were a year behind Eddie, making this your first senior year and his second. You were kind of excited that he stayed behind so you could go through senior year with your best friend by your side. But now he was going to have to do senior year again while you were moving on. You hadn’t meant to throw it in his face like that and now the guilt was gnawing at your stomach. 

You got up slowly, the springs of his hand me down bed creaking from your movement. You crossed the room and crouched slightly so you could wrap your arms around him as he sat in the chair. He huffed at first, not hugging back until he finally broke and wrapped his arms around you tightly and pressed his face into your neck. He could never stay mad at you for long. 

“I’m sorry,” you finally said, muffled by his shirt. You stood finally, your legs burning from your position. 

“No. I’m sorry,” Eddie apologized, looking up at you. “I just wanted to have a night with everyone before you graduated. I’m gonna be here again next year without you and I’m just getting sad over it.”

Your heart broke and crumbled at his words. Guilt gnawed at you for deciding to go to prom. You saw Eddie everyday, all day, but he was having a hard time with not graduating again and he needed you. How could you be so selfish? 

“You know what,” you said, taking his hand. “I didn’t want to go to prom anyways. I was just being nice,” you lied. 

“Really?” He asked, looking hopeful. 

“Really,” you nodded with a smile. “I can let him down gently tomorrow. You can help me think of what to say. We can still do movie night.” 

“Yes!” He cheered, pumping his fist. 

You let out a half-hearted laugh to cover up your disappointment. You thought about the pretty red dress in your closet that cost all of your savings and you would probably never have the chance to wear now. 

The next few days were normal. Until they weren’t. 

Eddie was missing at lunch, which was unusual for him since he sometimes dealt during that time. 

“I can’t believe he canceled the movie night,” Jeff grumbled from across from you, picking at his pizza. 

“What do you mean?” You asked, peeling an orange. “It’s back on. I canceled my date with Chase.”

Chase had been reasonably upset that you agreed to go with him then turned him down. You made up an excuse about a family thing that night instead. 

“You didn’t hear?” Gareth spoke up. “Jenny Johnson asked Eddie to prom yesterday in gym class.” Gareth leaned in, ready to deal the final blow. “And he said yes.”

Your world spun at the news you were hearing. Jenny Johnson, the pretty cheerleading captain extraordinaire, had convinced Eddie Munson to go to prom. Eddie, who had convinced you to drop your date in favor of spending the night with you just to drop you instead at the first chance he got. 

You were going to be sick. 

“Are you okay?” Gareth asked, noticing the look on your face. 

You stood up so fast that your chair fell behind you. The hard plastic hit the floor hard enough for the other tables around you to go quiet and stare in your direction. You didn’t bother to pick it up. 

You fled to the bathroom, feeling stupid and dramatic for your reaction to the news. How could he sit there and preach about wanting to spend time with you just to jump at the chance to spend the night with someone else? He had never done anything like this before. Ever. 

It had always been just you and Eddie for as long as you could remember. 

You splashed water on your face, letting the cold drops drip down your neck and run into the neckline of your shirt. You stared into the mirror with a blank expression. 

Why were you behaving this way? So he lied. He told you to cancel your plans just to make ones of his own. And with a cheerleader? He hated cheerleaders. If he wanted to go to prom so bad why didn’t he just tell you? Why didn’t he just take you himself? You immediately brushed that last thought out of your head. That would be ridiculous. 

You went the rest of the day avoiding Eddie and trying to tune out the whispers about Eddie going to prom with Jenny. Some people shot you some pitying looks from strangers in the hall which you weren’t sure why. Eddie having a date didn’t have anything to do with you.  

When it was time to go home Eddie was silent in the van. He knew you knew. You could feel the uncertain tension in the air. He waited until he pulled up to the trailer to talk to you. 

“You’re mad.” Not a question. It wouldn’t surprise you if he could feel the anger radiating off of you at this point. 

“Nope,” you said, short and sweet. 

Eddie sighed, tapping his hands against the steering wheel while he stared ahead. 

“I didn’t know she was going to ask.”

“It’s fine,” you gritted out, opening the door and climbing out before closing it with a slam. 

Eddie followed you to your trailer door. 

“You’re not coming over?” He asked.

You shook your head. “I have a headache. I want to go to sleep.”

“You’re lying.”

“So what?” You asked, spinning around to face him. “You lied first. You made me cancel my plans just for you to ditch me. I was really looking forward to going.”

“It’s not a big deal. Just tell him you changed your mind,” Eddie offered, grasping for straws. 

“It doesn’t work like that. He already asked someone else,” you said in a forced, bored tone, doing your best not to cry. 

Eddie sputtered looking around like an idea might come to him. 

You turned back around, climbing up the steps and slamming the door to your trailer behind you. Your grandma looked up from the table where she sat with a cigarette and some sweet tea. She had probably heard all of that. You could expect her to offer her grandmotherly advice later on once she gave you some space.  

You locked the door before Eddie could follow, hoping he wouldn’t think to use his copy of the key. 

You collapsed into bed with the pillow pulled over your face as you mulled over the fucked up turn of events. You waited for Eddie to come into your room, tap on the window, call the phone or something to let you know he changed his mind and you two were hanging out instead. But he didn’t 

He left you alone for the night and you weren’t sure if you were happy and disappointed. 

And then he continued to leave you alone for the rest of the week. 

You caught rides with your grandma to school. It was almost comical, your grandma driving down the road with Eddie’s van right behind yours. Everytime you looked in the mirror at him you’d see him with a sad look on his face. He wasn’t even doing his usual morning headbanging.  

When you got to school you’d get out, and spend the whole day avoiding him. 

Lunch was spent with him sending you sad looks from across the room. You decided to sit with some other friends you never usually sat with because you usually spent every lunch with Eddie. They seemed surprised to see you but no one mentioned the elephant in the room. 

He sent Gareth or Jeff to try to be peacemakers a few times but you blew them off as nicely as you could. They shouldn’t be involved in it. 

It went like that. All week. Until Saturday, the day of prom came around.

Your Grandma did her best to try to cheer you up all day as you moped around the trailer. You had told her what was going on between you and Eddie. Turns out she already knew. Eddie had told Wayne who told your grandma because nothing was ever a secret around here. 

She told you to try to talk it out with Eddie but you didn’t want to. 

You were currently laying face down in your bed with a song about heartbreak playing on the radio in front of your window.. Prom had started probably an hour ago and you wondered how amazing it was. 

You were so sad, angry, and frustrated with the whole situation. 

The phone rang twice since you’d been in here. Your grandma was over having dinner with Wayne. She offered for you to come but you refused, not wanting to see anyone with the last name Munson for the rest of your life. 

The phone rang again, making you groan into your pillow. You would need to answer now. It could be your grandma calling to check in on you. 

You huffed as you pushed yourself out of the bed, trying to get your legs moving quickly to reach the phone in the kitchen. 

“Hello?” You said as soon as the phone was pressed to your ear. You flipped through the piles of takeout menus that sat on the counter, trying to decide what you wanted to order. 

“Hey. It’s me,” Eddie muttered into the phone, he sounded like he was trying to keep his voice down so no one could hear him. 

“Eddie? Why are you calling me? Aren’t you supposed to be at prom?” You asked, looking out the window to see his van wasn’t parked in front of the trailer. You had heard it start up and pull away over an hour ago. 

“I need you to come to the school. Please,” he begged. “It was all a joke and I’m hiding in the bathroom. Well, not yet right now I’m at the payphone but the bathroom’s my next stop.” 

“What?!” You gasped into the phone. “Wait, why are you planning on hiding in the bathroom?” 

“Because they were all laughing at me about how I fell for it and I told them I had another date anyways and I need you to be that date please.” 

You pulled the phone off your ear and stared down at it. Part of you wanted to let him suffer and hide in that bathroom before he would eventually have to admit defeat. The other part of you ached for your best friend. He would come rescue you if the situation was reversed.  

“I’ll be there in fifteen.” 

Your grandma and Wayne almost fell out on the floor when you asked for a ride to the school, dressed in your red dress, heels and make up. 

You had decided to go all out, even painting your lips with red lipstick. You had never worn makeup before only buying this specifically for tonight. 

You stumbled when you climbed out of your grandma's station wagon. You officially planned to never have to wear heels again for the rest of your life.You spotted the payphone where Eddie must have called you off before scurrying off to the bathroom with his tail between his legs. 

The station wagon pulled off with a rumble as you stared up at the entrance to the gym. You could hear the thump of the music and see the lights flashing inside. 

You took a deep breath, straightened your back, and then marched through those doors to go rescue Eddie. 

Blue and white streamers covered the ceilings. Blue tinted lights made it hard to see but you could make out the movement of bodies on the dancefloor. The prom committee had decided to go with an under the sea theme yet again, recycling the same decorations year after year to save some money. 

You found the boy’s bathroom in the hallway just outside the gym. You hesitated, unsure if you could just barge in or not. You raised a tentative fist to the door and knocked three times in rapid succession. 

The door creaked open a crack before a hand reached out and grabbed you, pulling you in. You barely had time to register what was happening before you were falling into Eddie, not able to keep your feet planted on the floor in your heels. 

“Sorry,” Eddie said in a hushed voice as he kept you standing up. You pulled away to put distance between you. You were still mad at him for the whole situation. 

 He went to say something but then he  paused, eyes going wide as he looked you up and down. 

You crossed your arms over your chest, feeling embarrassed by Eddie’s stare. He had never looked at you the way he was looking at you now. 

You eyed him too. He had his hair pulled back into a bun and wore a suit that was too loose on his frame. Most likely an outfit that Wayne had pulled out from the back of a closet. 

“Are you ready to get out of here?” You asked, pointing a thumb over your shoulder feeling like you may have overdressed.  

Eddie cleared his throat, eyes meeting yours again. “I think we should go out there for just one dance. Don’t you think so?” 

“Why?” You asked, wobbling slightly on your heels. Eddie reached out and cupped your elbows to keep you steady. 

Eddie shrugged, “why not?” before leading you out to the gym with an arm wrapped around you. 

The loud pop song that played slowed to a ballad. You stared at Eddie awkwardly, unsure what to do. Eddie wasn’t much of a dancer and you weren’t either. It was shocking that he was willing to do this at all. Maybe he felt bad for the events leading up to this. Maybe this is his way of making it up to you. 

Eddie made the first move, pulling you closer with his arms around your waist. You naturally wrapped yours on his shoulders as you started to sway together. You could see Eddie’s so called date and her friends staring from across the gym but you didn’t care. 

“Thank you for coming to rescue me” 

“You know I always will” 

Eddie nodded, still swaying you to the music but slower than the beat like he was distracted by something. 

Eddie’s face was close to yours. You don’t know how it got so close but you could feel the warmth of his breath against your cheek and it made the hair on the back of your neck stand up straight. You fought the urge to shiver from the feeling against your skin. Eddie had been close to you like this before, so why was it affecting you so much now? 

“You have no clue how much you mean to me,” Eddie whispered, this time you did shiver. You knew he felt it because he squeezed you around the waist tighter. 

You turned your head to speak to him, to tell him how much he meant to you too. But when you turned your head, your lips met his instead. You jumped slightly, surprised before you realized he was actually kissing you. His lips moving against yours spurred you on and before you knew it you were kissing him back, using a hand on the back of his head to push him closer to you. 

Eddie broke away first staring at you in a way you didn’t understand. You felt flustered, had that been an accident? Had he meant to kiss you? You sputtered, pulling away from him and making him release you from his grip. 

“Sorry,” you said, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand. You weren’t sure what you were sorry for but you needed to fix this. Eddie’s eyes flicked down to watch you wipe his kiss off of your lips and his face dropped a bit. You were sure that you had smeared lipstick all over your face.“We should go.” 

Eddie nodded, following you out of the gym. 

He was uncharacteristically silent as he started the van and you felt the need to explain yourself, to try to salvage your friendship. The kiss had been an accident, clearly. Something that happens once between friends and is never brought up again. 

Eddie didn’t like you like that and it was something that you had come to terms with years ago when you were thirteen and had a raging crush on him. You almost told him, but had read in a magazine that sometimes it was better to keep your crush secret so you wouldn’t ruin your relationship. A world where you weren’t friends with Eddie was the worst thing you could ever imagine. 

A little part of you wondered, though. Had something changed and your feelings had finally been reciprocated after all these years? You let the little shred of hope go through your bloodstream and light up your heart with happy emotions. 

“That was a mistake,” Eddie finally said, not looking at you. “Are we still friends?” 

You felt your heart sink into your gut. 

“Yeah. Of course. Still friends.” 

And as you rode home with Eddie, you finally let that little crush for him go. Because if you kept feeling this way about him then it was going to kill you. 

[thedroneranger]

The Drone Ranger's Be Kind Rewind ⏪ clancycucumber230 Edition!

A rec reblog series dedicated to the fics that we love so much, we've re-read them!

The next Rewind has landed: @clancycucumber230! Also, we have our first all Jake Seresin Rewind!

While we continue to churn out amazing new content, let's be kind and rewind to look at some of the OG content we love! And don't forget to reblog when you re-read! Continue to show your comfort fics and favorite creators some love. It helps keep the fresh content coming :)

Let's keep this going throughout the summer, so if you're interested in participating in the Be Kind Rewind, message me. The more, the merrier!

If you want to know when a new Rewind drops, join the tag list, and check out previous Rewinds!

fics below the cut (listed in alphabetical order by title)

Reader note: I’m an unapologetic Jake girl, although I’ve been dipping my toe in the water of Bob and Bradley recently. Jake’s character is so open, I love all the different ways he has been written by so many amazing authors. Not to mention Glen Powell is so god damn hot! Huge thank you to all writers in this fandom for your contributions!

can't unfeel that, @theharddeck FWB that have caught feelings. Really sweet and the breeding kink in this is off the charts hot.

Fruits of My Labor, @roosterbruiser I’m highlighting ‘Fruits of My Labor.’ It’s a heartbreakingly beautiful read. I would be remiss if I didn't mention The Fuck universe, though. This is a masterpiece with my favourite OC callsign Wisteria!

Hotshot, @topguncortez This first TGM smut I read. It’s rivals to lovers with electric banter and sexual tension. G has a masterlist that will rip your heart out and put it back together all at once. She’s also queen of the pregnancy trope.

Line of Sight, @top-hhun A three-parter ,featuring a reserved Jake protecting reader that flows into fake dating. It’s filled with sexual tension and possibility.

Operation Apollo, @sunlightmurdock This work isn’t complete yet but I have reread multiple times. Jake and Apollos’s growth from enemies to lovers to two people that just need each other is so natural. Throw in a shitty father, suspense and some smut smut smut and it’s a delicious read.

Slow Burn, @ereardon Jake gets Kate pregnant after a one night stand and it’s full of angst, love and dagger squad. Em is queen of the slow burn. Shes got a masterlist of my favourite tropes: pregnancy trope, Dad!Jake, Frat!Jake, Roomie!Jake, exes to lovers, plus Bob and Bradley series’ too. The OCs and settings she writes are also incredibly detailed. If I’m reading a book I can’t get into, this is where I go.

Teaching You Respect, @enchanting-eloquence Anything where Jake is taken down a peg by a strong woman is so SO good! This fic is cold shower amazing.

Terms of Endearment, @ohtobeleah TOE's Jake and Amilia are some of the best characters I’ve ever read. They have so much depth. Every time Leah answers a question about these two I have five more.

The Off-Season, @ereardon One of my most favourite series’. I’m so invested in these characters. They have the best banter and chemistry. Plus you can’t go wrong with the forbidden sibling trope!

Who Did This to You?, @justfandomwritings The first one shot I ever read. It’s got protective Jake with a new friend in need of help with her abusive ex.

I wish I could write, but I can’t, so here is a current read I’m absolutely loving:

Brother's Best Friend, @tongue-like-a-razor

Tag list and friends: @petcr3 @desert-fern @Sagittarius-Lovewitch @mygyn @sweetwhispersofchaos @horseshoegirl @the-annoying-fan @dingochef @moon42flight @thecitysgraveyard @ereardon @roosterforme @cherrycola27 @galaxy-of-stories @taytaylala12 @malindacath @violyn20 @awildewit @potato-girl99981 @shanimallina87 @blue-aconite @djs8891 @linkpk88 @furiousladyking @daggerspare-standingby @princess76179 @jstarr86 @hecate-steps-on-me @darkheartcherry @soulmates8 @roosters-girl @dempy @roosterisdaddy36 @hangmanscoming @s-u-t @mavrellover91 @chicomonks @averyhotchner 

A kind reminder, this is a 18+ blog. While not all stories in the recommendation list are 18+, please respect boundaries and do not interact unless you are 18 years of age or older.

[padfootagain]

Masterlist - Requests are closed - The tag list is open!

Hello!!

I hope all of you have a wonderful time for the end of this crazy year! Here is the posting schedule for the upcoming three weeks, I'll have some time to write during the holidays, right before exam season strikes in January, so hopefully we can keep this rhythm up through January and February!

We're also welcoming a new character that I'll be adding to the masterlist! Because I have no self-control, and am going to hell for this... hope you like it! :D

Wishing all of you a merry Christmas for those who celebrate, and a happy new year! Hope you like the new fics!

19/12/2023 - The Car Trap

Hozier x Reader, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff, angst with a happy ending, friends to lovers, oneshot

Summary: You're offered a job in Switzerland, and you're ready to accept it. It would offer you a new beginning, a way to forget about the love you have for your best friend. But a trip through a snowstorm with Andrew might change everything...

22/12/2023 - Chapter 23 for Something Good

Ben Barnes x Reader, Professor AU!, angst, fluff, slow-burn, enemies to lovers, on-going series

Summary: Coming out of a divorce and trying to get used to being a single mom, while teaching your classes at University, you thought your life could not get more complicated than it already iss. But when you are asked to take care of the theatre club with the colleague that you really can’t get along with, you realize that everything can still get ten times more complicated in your life. And when you start actually liking Professor Barnes, the troubles only grow exponentially…

25/12/2023 - Home For Christmas

Hozier x Reader, fluff, nothing but fluff, oneshot

Summary: Andrew is on tour during the Christmas season. Unless... he's got a surprise for you on Christmas Eve!

28/12/2023 - Black Dog Neighbour

Sirius Black x reader, enemies to lovers, fluff, requested by @nobodyshomearchive for my 6k event, oneshot

Summary: God, you hate that guy next door. Bloody annoying neighbour with his noisy motorcycle, his loud friends, his annoying laugh, his charming smile, his amazing hair, his effortless way to sport sexy leather jackets. He’s insufferable, you hate him to bits. The fact that he’s a talented wizard who can magically change into a dog to guard your door when your ex comes bothering you again will not change your first impression in the slightest, by the way. You still hate him to guts. Probably…

31/12/2023 - Chapter 4 for The Last Ones on Earth

The Darkling x reader, angst, fluff, on-going series

Summary: You and the Darkling are a team, even if no one knows it. Beyond being a team, you are the only one he trusts, and he's the only one you care about, and you're each other's true love. But if you've kept your secrets hidden for a long time, now that the Sun Summoner is fighting against you, it's time to reveal who you are, and what you are capable of...

03/01/2024 - Pink Helmet

Sirius Black x reader, friends to lovers, angst, fluff, requested by @wolfmoonmusic for my 6k event, oneshot

Summary: You get jealous on a night out with your friends, because Sirius is flirting with some random girl at the bar. Your anger is about to cause a chain reaction that will bring unsuspected consequences… for the better.

06/01/2024 - When We Were Lying

Hozier x Reader, angst, friends to lovers, fake dating AU, angst to fluff, oneshot

Summary: Your ex is attending your family gathering for Christmas and there is no way you're going to face that alone. Of course, you drag your best friend into this, and he's too smitten with you to say no when you ask him to pretend to be your boyfriend. Although, the fact that you both have feelings for each other might end up being a problem...

09/01/2024 - Chapter 6 for You and the King

Caspian x reader, Sequel to The King and You, angst, fluff, on-going series

Summary : After meeting Caspian in your own world, you decide to follow him to Narnia, your love for him too strong for you to keep your old life. But as you discover the magic of Narnia, you soon realise that this extraordinary world is as dangerous as it is magnificent. Will your love for Caspian be enough to defeat your new enemies?

12/01/2024 - Bookshelves

Ben Barnes x reader, fluff, domestic bliss, requested for my 6k event, oneshot

Summary: Nothing’s better than reorganizing your bookshelves with the love of your life on a crispy autumnal afternoon…

[marnz]

some thoughts about life right now;

i've been on a really intense project since late July and let me tell you, i am tired! i'm one of the few people at my job that specialize in this type of work--we are excited to train more--but for now i am just hanging out here preparing to trade one high pressure project for another for the foreseeable future. which ultimately is fine! even though it can be stressful, I would rather be doing this type of work, which is interesting and super fulfilling and matters a lot to me, than other types of work, which do not feel fulfilling and are actually pretty boring.

it's a little confusing to find myself here because last year i went on medical leave for mental health reasons and prior to that i was doing a very different kind of work, and when i came back in january they started me off with this new kind of work (which i do prefer) with basically no training from my supervisor. which is fine, i am comfortable learning on the fly and/or teaching myself, and i have both a lot of experience doing this and a lot of experience in Complex Projects, albeit in a different practice area. then i moved onto this project in late july. so like again very little training in this specific type of work but i assure you, nothing is as stressful as my last job was. and i do love this project! even though it's stressful! i've since learned that this is just going to be my specialty! which like...i am happy with the outcome but i feel like i sort of tripped and fell into it in the least expected way possible.

while thinking about it, i think i thought i'd only make it to this kind of work, this kind of project, by working hard--and i had a specific idea of what working hard looked like, what striving looked like. but i have been working hard for the last year or so, healing, learning, growing, recovering, all of it. and that is hard work. and by taking time to tend to myself, and grow and change and learn and heal, i became ready for this kind of stressful work. and that's not the narrative we have around this. culturally we have a narrative of self sacrifice and unpaid overtime and being really fucking type A and having unhealthy work/life balance, but as soon as I stepped away and said actually, i've had enough, i will not burn my life out for you, i started down a road that led me to doing the type of work i want to do in a healthier and more prepared way. and that's fucking awesome!

for now i am just trying to make it to the end of this project in mid october. which means coping skills, baby! wish i could write but i don't have capacity for it rn, and that's fine. so my priorities are: maintenance days (cleaning/chores). reading. knitting. baking. yoga. hiking. i want to make life as easy and cozy for myself as possible right now.

i haven't knit for several months and I'm thinking of trying my first sweater--this gorgeous sweater called Mountain Mist. however i've never done colorwork before so the pattern suggests doing the same colorwork in a swatch hat (here) to practice. i am SO HYPE!!! this pattern is also admittedly deeply my aesthetic. i showed it to my partner and he laughed bc it's so typically me lol. i also checked out the first book in Tana French's Dublin Murders series on audiobook to listen too while knitting. spooky season means murder mysteries. 🥰

also my work office is being remodeled so i will be working from home for the next 6ish months, and we're preparing to overhaul my little work corner in our house so it is better/more ergonomic/has more storage/is cuter. also i am going to get a standing desk for my poor knees 😵‍💫 recently worked from 8:30 to 9:30 and my knees hurt sooooo bad 😩

it's nice to know that a year ago i wouldn't have been able to handle this project or really know how to slow down and prioritize self care and after a ton of hard work on my mental health i'm now i'm like, well, it is a bit stressful but we got this. progress 😌💖

[acromandus]

Finally getting around to doing this! Thank you @thelifeinmyshadesofgrey for tagging me ♥♥♥♥♥ I haven't done these in ages so it was fun to feel like we were back in the 'golden era' of tumblr xD

Tag someone you want to know AND/OR some of your besties: I don't wanna pressure anyone to have to do this, so consider this a warm suggestion rather than a I-will-judge-you-if-you-don't kind of situation @heyitszev :) (and if anyone else reading this feels like it, go ahead, the more the merrier lmao)

Favourite colour: This is a tough one because it all just depends on context so much. I'd say typically I veer more towards darker tones in general: really like a nice dark green, or a dark red or crimson. Purple is lovely too :D

Last song: Two Knights and Maidens by Crash Test Dummies https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NS2EcHzdYY

Say what you want about the lyrics, but the chord progression in this song is *chefs kiss*

Last movie: 9. A bit of a strange one perhaps, but an interesting take on a post-apocalyptic world brought to life in a style that reminds me of Tim Burton a little bit. Basically, the world has been destroyed in a war between humans and machines, and we're introduced to a group of sentient dolls, each with a number on their backs from 1 to 9, who have had to survive in this strange new world while figuring out why they were made in the first place. I don't wanna spoil this for anyone who hasn't seen it, so I'll leave it at that :)

Currently watching: I'm in-between series atm haha. Waiting for season 4 of the Boys, and just finished watching season 2 of 30 Coins. Might just do a rewatch of Andor or the Punisher to fill this void.

Other stuff I watched this year: Err… from what I remember (and yes, since we're only in January, I'm counting 2023 into this as well) I'd say Moon Knight, Andor, 30 coins, a rewatch of Supernatural (up to season 12), and the One Piece live action series. Out of all these Andor was perhaps my favourite, but I enjoyed all of them, and was pleasantly surprised at how well the One Piece adaptation remained loyal to the original works :D they obviously had to adjust some things but it still felt true to form. With Andor, I was hesitant to watch it at first because the last SW series I had watched had been declining in quality (weird writing, etc), however… Andor completely blew me away. The way it builds up to the climax was just so well done, the writing is superb, music fantastic, and it's one of those series I wish I could forget about completely so I could experience it for the first time again.

Shows I dropped this year/didn’t finish: I haven't watched many series I've not finished since I usually watch them to the end anyway, but looks like that new Percy Jackson series may unfortunately fall into this category?

Currently reading: I've been powering through the Harry Potter books. Started during the Christams holidays and I'm now on book 6. So far so good, though I've had to slow down with holidays being over. Might need to reread the Robert Langdon series as well after this as it's still one of my personal favourites.

Currently listening to: This changes daily but I do find myself drifting back to Riot music very often. So, that's music made for League of Legends, Valorant, etc. Not the soundtracks, but songs like Worlds anthems like "GODS" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C3GouGa0noM) and 2021's "Burn It All Down" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Z6CHioIn3s). I also absolutely love "Breathe" from the official launch video for Legends of Runeterra (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TNhKAJwlj04). I also like this vid for it heavily featuring Darius, the only champ I ever played when I attempted to get into LoL before the toxicity got to me and I decided it's not for me :3 (didn't take long, but left me with a bit of a soft spot for him lmao)

I absolutely do not play any of these games but man… the music is on point imo. Something again about chord progression, don't ask what my obsession with that is lmao.

If I'm not listening to these and songs like them, I'm listening to heavy metal (industrial or symphonic), movie or game soundtacks, or oldies belonging to various genres from the 70s and 80s, occasionally 90s as well. Here's a couple examples:

Once You've Tasted Love by Take That

Take the Long Way Home by Supertramp

Evil Woman by Electric Light Orchestra

Misplaced by Sonata Arctica

And I will leave it at that as I've already included too many songs lmao

Currently working on: I'm currently making a backend for a gym app I'm working on. I somehow got the GraphQL elements working, now I need to get it saving to a database of somekind. I could do this locally or learn to save data to the cloud but I haven't yet decided which approach to take lmao. Overall, I'm just upskilling in the hopes of eventually landing a job as a full-stack developer. NO LUCK SO FAR aside a couple freelance frontend opportunities :/

Current obsession: Hmm….. good question. I'd say, despite me not playing it as much as I used to, I am slowly getting back to Elder Scrolls Online? Fire Emblem Fates is another, as well as Bleach.

[nellie-elizabeth]

What We Do in the Shadows: Local News (5x05)

Okay, this was pretty hilarious.

Cons:

The thing about Guillermo's slow vampire transition this season is that it does blunt some of the comedy impact of him being a vampire in the first place. I sort of wish there had been a more dramatic contrast between human Guillermo and vampire Guillermo. It's almost like instead of setup and punchline, it's setup and then very long, meandering journey towards a destination we've already been told about. That's not to say I don't enjoy some of the things about said journey, but I don't know. I guess I'm just hoping we'll see Guillermo get his transformative moment to shine.

Oh, and, same note as always on the Guide: there's nothing wrong with her, but she seems like she could lift right out of the story without being missed at all. Sorry!

Pros:

I did like Guillermo's scenes overall, I love the solemnity mixed with irritation mixed with comedy, as Guillermo wants to say a goodbye to his mother since once he's fully a vampire, their connection is no longer safe. And yet family squabbles, and distracting news broadcasts showing Nandor and the others getting into all sorts of trouble, mean that Guillermo can't have the solemn moment he wants with his mother. When he finally does get it, her first question is if the change happening in his life is making him happy. She reminds him that it's normal to feel some doubt during a big transition.

It was such a sweet moment from her perspective, having no idea what's really going on. And it was so fraught from Guillermo's, as his mother literally burns his skin by putting a cross on him, replacing the one that she believes he has "lost".

And then back at home, the plot with the vampires is pure chaotic comedy gold. Nandor is on the local news, talking about a water main breakage on the street. He accidentally makes comments about how they've been living there for centuries, which means: oh no! The secret is out. Everybody knows about vampires now. They all decide the only thing to do is to make a stand and fight. They also think if they can get back in front of the cameras, they can hypnotize mention of the truth away from all the viewers.

It all devolves into utter chaos from there, with the vampires setting up booby traps, making plans to flee, to kidnap, to murder... eventually ending up on the local news to try and thwart mention of their vampiric abilities. They hypnotize everyone to make them forget, but then basically have to act out being the news anchors so as not to confuse any humans watching. All rendered especially comedic when you realize that the human newscaster hadn't thought anything at all of Nandor's original comments.

There were too many funny moments to mention in this whole thing, but to pull just a few of my favorites, I loved "Nandor the Relentless" being misheard as "Nandor De Laurentis". I loved Colin immediately going berserker and tearing the house up to prepare for battle. I loved Lazlo being indignant that Guillermo "hung up on him" when in fact Colin had cut the phone line, and I loved the comedy of Nandor and Lazlo discussing how big a bag was needed for their kidnap/murder victim while Guillermo tries to dissuade them over the phone.

I'm also liking the continued trend this season of Nandor really missing Guillermo, noticing he's not around as much, and feeling resentful and sad about it. When Guillermo finally does show up to help, Nandor basically says they don't need him, and Guillermo, in a fit of pique, does in fact refuse to help. They get out of their messy chaos on their own. It's interesting that Nandor knows that something's up; I wonder what the reaction will be when he finds out what it is! I'm so excited to see.

So there you have it. This wasn't one of my all-time favorite episodes but I did think the hilarity and chaos got delightfully insane!

8/10

[baezdylan]

top huddy scenes and why? also they should been endgame and i will be forever bitter because of that the writers don’t like writing happy house

Listen, I've been trying SO hard to make decisions here and JUST CHOOSE, but I couldn't come up with anything too specific because every scene that I ended up choosing somehow made me think of another one. And that's when it hit me: that's the point. House and Cuddy are purposely written that way. More under the cut because this got looooong.

It's not your typical slow-burn because the evolution of their feelings and the evolution of their relationship (and by that I mean their relationship being officially regarded as romantic even though they've always been together in some capacity) happen in two different timelines. It's canon that they've both been interested in each other since their college days as confirmed in Known Unknowns and while their feelings do change over the course of time and their understanding of one another deepens and becomes more detailed (this mostly has to do with them learning about the other's life before they met, especially their family life, see: Family Practice and Daddy's boy), I think the progress that they make individually by the time s6 wrapped up has more to do with the way that they process their emotions rather than feeling something for the first time. This is precisely why there's not really a sense of "oh. they are together now" with them, if you pay close attention, because they've been in each other's orbit for far too long and they've always been not only fond of, but deeply understanding of the other person. There are these tiny ways in which their characters overlap and oppose each other. They wouldn't be able to be such perfect foils if they didn't have just as much in common. I really appreciate this little moment from Humpty Dumpty because it's! only! the! second! season! but these characters have known each other long before we as the audience encountered them for the first time in the pilot. One more thing I love about it is the physicality of it? And I mean it in a completely non-sexual way (even though there's obviously a layer of sexual attraction there too, but that doesn't particularly interest me) because the physical aspect of being is an enormous part of both House and Cuddy's characters and considering how this little moment takes place in s2, the same season House helps Cuddy with the IVF, I take it as a sort of foreshadowing for the bond that will form between them near the end of the season. I especially love how that relates to House's infraction because in that context, Cuddy made a choice that saved his life (a difficult one nonetheless) and him helping her with something relating to her body is his way of trying to protect her from the faith that he suffered. (not to say that infertility and muscle death are the same thing, but you get my point) But alas, ultimately Cuddy's body betrays her, just like House's betrayed his and there's an inevitable and permanent, a brand new form of understanding connecting them now. That's, in my opinion, why Cuddy reacts so strongly to House saying that he wishes he made a different choice back then in Help Me. For once he is verbally, though of course indirectly, but still it's the most direct he's been about it, acknowledging her medical decision and not only that, he's also accepting his reality as a disabled person (before that, House has been trying to deny the differences his leg made to his life which often led to bad outcomes and I think the show did a great job portraying his experience with that) and that's important to Cuddy. That's really how these two function, they will disregard their feelings if they aren't at peace with what their mind is seeing and for Cuddy to see that House has grown as an individual? That's a greater gift than anything he could ever do for her. (though the gifts he gives her are !!!!! and are always focused on her personality and her history, never on the relationship he has with her)

Another moment that isn't only a favourite, but that immensely intrigues me is the famous monologue from 7x14 in which House confessed that he would choose Cuddy over his mind. House and Cuddy are both Mind over Body type of people, the abstract, intellectual world is to be trusted with decisions, them valuing that specific quality in the other ("the most incredible man", "interesting lunatic", House trusting Cuddy with medical decisions regarding his health because he considers to be a good doctor which is saying A Lot from his perspective, "you see the world the way that it is", "you do make me feel funny" House constantly being intrigued by Cuddy with mystery solving being the literal driving force of his character) and their bodies are set on challenging that logic over and over again. (the themes of change and acceptance of change as a natural concept in house m.d. -> the essay I should, but probably won't ever write) And to have House say something that's basically an antithesis to the way these two characters function and walk through life? Cuddy's unreadable expression when he makes that proclamation? Insanity. Many many thoughts, none of them coherent and all of them associated with screaming. They are treating each other like consecutive medical mysteries (in House's case) or interesting school assignments (in Cuddy's case and that's So Big for her because that's the exact aspect of med school that she longs for and misses desperately) and their lives continually making the other person much more complex than those already complicated and challenging concepts, jdjdjdkdkdkd THEM LEARNING ABOUT WHAT IT IS TO BE HUMAN WITH THE ACCIDENTAL HELP OF THE OTHER AND GOING MAD ABOUT IT!!!!!

One last thing I want to discuss is the gender of it all and then I'm really done. House has been shamed for not showcasing traditionally masculine qualities by his father and Cuddy has been misunderstood by her mother due to not being conventionally feminine... Both of them working so hard to "make up for that" in adulthood, their subconscious desire to please their parents, the exaggeration of the typically masculine and feminine characteristics that they are able to find within themselves. (House being determined not to showcase his emotions, Cuddy's love for fashion that will hopefully "make up for" her being the dean of medicine. Not to say that she doesn't like fashion, just that there's a significant part of her identity stored in the clothes that she wears, some of it related to her mother) BUT this is why the "common is boring" conversation from 7x03 (?) is so important narratively and to me, especially from this angle. When they are together, they don't have to try to shove each other into these metaphorical boxes or satisfy the norm.

[duchezss]

After giving myself some time to process S5 I’m finally ready to talk about the things I liked, and of course didn’t like within the new season. 

First and foremost most this season was so much better than S4. Maybe it was just me but the plot felt way more organic, and just liked the overall story and development way more. Plus since this season was the longest, there was so much time for character moments that ofc I adore. I know a lot of people were kinda upset that this season didn’t have any episodic episodes, and that they all contributed to the plot, but frankly I really liked that. 

Now getting into the meat of the season, the best part was, drum roll please. Yasammy ofc who do you think I am. It was the best thing ever, even if I could see it coming from a mile away. Their relationship was so good because it started as a friendship and we could really see how much they grew over the past 5 seasons. A little side note I loved how Yaz came out to Ben first, their friendship was seriously the best thing ever. Now I feel robbed of more of them interacting. I also think it was such a nice message, not knowing how you’re feeling and it being ok, and to know that there’s no such thing as a perfect time or moment. My favorite girlfriends I’ll be riding this high forever. 

Honestly there was a lot to love this season, Ben was a great highlight as expected coming off of the last season. I loved how great of a wingman he was for Yaz, and his unchanged loyalty to his friends. He was just a lot of fun and I enjoyed every moment of his screen time. Generally couldn’t help but laugh at some of his scenes, like when he was slow with Yaz’s signals and when he tripped on the bush. Flipping the switch though his scenes with Bumpy got me like he loves her so much it hurts. 

Another thing I was really happy with was how they finally handled Darius’ struggles. I thought it was needed to show the toil the months on the island had on him. He somehow grew even more, and I loved it. Just great moments from him. Brooklynn was right about one thing, his flame burns bright, and I doubt it’ll ever go out. It felt like he wised up, and yet kept his youthfulness at the same time. 

I wasn’t really planning on talking about each character, but now that we’re here let’s just get into it. 

Kenji was just about how I expected during this season. I loathed him as much as the next when he was following his father, but I think it’s important to recognize his actions as what they were, a desperate attempt to please his father. I liked how at first he blindly followed his father, and with the help of Mae he understood how wrong he was. It was a regress in his development, and then he grew more. Im glad that he understood the weight of his actions, and that he figured out the cam fam are his real family. 

If I’m being real Brooklynn didn’t really make an impression on me this season. She was just kinda there most of the time. My favorite scenes from her were the ones with Darius, it think it really showed off her compassionate side, and how she gives good pep talks lol. Just kinda wish she did more in the season other than mope about Kenji’s betrayal. 

Sammy was, per usual, a shining light. Generally don’t know what this show would be without her blind optimism. Of course a big part of her story this season was with Yaz, but I think it’s important to note other things. I loved how she was always the one to check in with the crew, and the episode where she made the watering hole proved just how productive she can be. Her face off with Mr. Kon showed just how far she’d come and I was felt so proud. She developed within herself, and with those around her. Who could ask for more.

Similarly to Sammy, a good chunk of Yaz’s moments were about Yasammy, but there was plenty more to enjoy. As mentioned before her friendship with Ben was uplifting, and seeing her journey with finding and accepting herself was wonderful. She seemed way more relaxed and I loved that for her. She displayed such a great message, and hope any little kid that watches the show takes it to heart. 

Ok whoops that got long fast, I think I’ll dive into dynamics next. 

Yaz and Sammy: you know exactly how I feel, next question

Brooklynn and Darius: I will forever wonder why the writers looked at the group and decided against making these two a thing. There was no need for romance in the first place tbh, but if they were going to do one it should’ve been this. Their scenes just solidified that for me. 

Kenji and Ben: ah my old benji heart. Episode 10 was a surprise I never expected, but it was everything I could’ve asked for. I wished we could’ve gotten more from them, because whether it be platonic or romantic, they had great chemistry. 

Yaz and Ben: own my heart <3 we deserved so many more scenes of them in early seasons they are the best

Kenji and Darius: when the brothers finally become actual brothers >> they’re probably the most fleshed out pair, and you could see how much Kenji’s betrayal hurt Darius. Kenji’s apology scene where they both started crying got me. Expectantly Kenji went to live with Darius after everything, Kenji Bowman fr.

Kenji and Brooklynn: ........no comment 

and to the pairs gone but never forgotten, I wish we had more scenes with you 

Kenji and Sammy or Yaz, Ben and Darius, Brooklynn and Ben (no b-duo crimes </3) Yaz and Darius, Ben and Sammy, and Brooklynn and Yaz. 

Some finale thoughts: 

A great improvement to S4, and I enjoyed the overall plot. Daniel was a good villain and I’m glad the majority of the story was about dinos instead of the robots. 

Ship wise, as thanos once said “reality can be whatever I want”. I’m a 10+ year zutara shipper, so clearly canon doesn’t matter to me if I decide against it. I will forever love the gyrosphere pairs, and I’ll stick with those for as long as I want. Case closed gn. 

Finally, I knew no matter how good or bad this season was i’d always have a special place in my heart, so glad it went out with a bang. In all seriousness I found this show in summer of 2021, and honestly it saved me. This silly dino kids show helped me through the hardest part in my life, and i’ll always be thankful. Thank you cam fam, for being the crutch I needed so much, I’ll miss you more than I want to admit. 

[slut4sway]

tracksuits and red wine (movies for two)

Dumb conversations We lose track of time Have I told you lately I'm grateful you're mine We'll watch The Notebook For the 17th time I'll say "It's stupid" Then you'll catch me crying

We're not making out On a boat in the rain Or in a house I've painted blue But there's nothing Like doing nothing

With you

💋💌•••••••••••••••❤️‍🩹🍷

tags : suzufield, nick suzuki, cole caufield, hurt/comfort, injured/comfort, hockey rpf, tooth rotting fluff, valentine’s day, love letters, fluff, coles injury, title inspired by bruno major

notes: LOVERRRRRRRR

2/14/23

Nick was living.

Cole wasn't.

The poor boy has been injured, and because of his shoulder he'd been out for the whole rest of the season. He didn't take this news lightly when he received the notice he'd be having surgery; since his whole world seemed to cave in under his feet. Hockey was Cole's life. He lived, breathed, and slept hockey and without it his life would definitely take a turn for the worse.

Nick was there to make it better as always. He'd seen Cole fall apart and he has been right there to pick him right back up again. Even when Cole had anger growing in his bones and just letting it go and taking it out on the world, Nick never left. It was obvious the energetic, goofy kid had turned into a rage-filled maniac. Cole could hardly express his emotions already, and showing it through anger seemed like the easiest alternative because he could have something to be mad at. A reason to be angry. His injury didn't happen for a reason and he knew it. Maybe to slow him down and let him come back and reflect on himself, but ultimately it made things worse. He was on fucking fire and on his way to burning down the league; but now his team is on their way to tank.

Yes. Cole is alive. But he isn't at the same time.

Nick was right there to not let him shatter.

•

The small blonde boy lied on the porch of their lakehouse just outside the city. The home was quiet, devoid of his lover's presence. Canadien's postgame broadcast of course, playing in the background off of Cole's phone falsely filled the emptiness. Small ripples reflected the vague moonlight off of the water, with a few birds chirping and rustling the trees above it.

Birds? Already? For fucks sake, it's the middle of winter in Canada.

Quebec's bipolar weather was in his favor today since he could just sit out on the porch swing and stare off into nothing sipping tea and being alone with his thoughts. Oh, Cole. Oh, baby. Him and his damn overthinking.

What's Nick doing right now?

Is he coming home soon?

Is he still with the guys in the locker room?

How is he?

I wonder if he texted me.

Should I check?

What's the point, I never got a notification sound so...?

Did Nick forget Valentine's day?

He said he would be home by 11pm...

Its 11:06.

Calm down, it's only 6 minutes.

What if he got in a car wreck?

Fuck, fuck, fuck...

He's fine.

No he's not.

I should text him.

Cole picked up his phone and opened it with face id, miraculously since he looked nothing like himself as if he hasn't slept in days. He pulled up Nick's contact and typed. Then deleted his words. Typed again. Backspace again. Finally finding the words, he just let his fingers swipe something onto the keyboard mindlessly. Hitting send, he heard back from Nick in seconds.

c : are you okay?

n : yes ml, almost done. don't worry.

Almost done? Nick was definitely planning something because he would have said almost home. Maybe he wasn't. Probably just Cole overthinking again. He just ignored it and went on.

c : imu

n : ik. almost done.

c : how was the game

n : okay i guess, had fun. wish you would've been playing with me

c : ugh don't remind me

Read 11:10pm

Okay. Just something else on Cole's mind. Great.

Nick never means to add more to his doubt, but he can't help it since Cole can pull almost anything out of his ass and worry about it. It was like a superpower. A really shitty superpower.

•

About 15 minutes had passed, and Cole was struggling to keep his eyes open. Without Nick or something to focus on, staying awake was a challenge. The broadcast had become white noise and eventually faded away. He was wrapped up in a sherpa blanket, and the small eighth of his tea he had left in the mug had gone cold and grew to be the same temperature as outside.

Abruptly, the front door came flying open and Nick busted out of the doorway almost tripping over himself and dropping the wax-sealed letter he held between his fingers.

''Happy Valentine's Day, Colesy!'' He was wearing the biggest smile Cole had ever seen, and he looked no different from a teenager getting a phone call from their crush or some other bullshit. Nick was so big and dumb it made Cole mad. But he loved being mad for Nick.

Madly in love with him, that is.

''Nicholas, fuck- you scared me!'' The blonde boy snapped, even though he could never be angry at Nick. Nick with his perfect hands. Nick with his dark hair. Nick with his deep voice. Nick with his heartwarming laugh. Nick with his pearly white smile. Nick with his swelled muscles. Nick.

''I'm sorry, I'm sorry! It's worth it, I promise'' Nick's smile radiated pure sunshine on dark days and happy energy. It was so genuine and sweet it could have melted Cole right then and there if he was ice cream.

''Hmm.. alright.'' Cole returned an affectionate smirk as he hauled himself from the porch swing and took the envelope from Nick's hands. He took a big step to the side into the doorway, all his joints starting to thaw and become loose again as the heat circulated around them.

Nick brought a hand up to caress his cheek as he followed him inside, toying with his sandy hair between his fingers. He watched as the smaller boy's recovering shoulder lay limp, with his arm lying motionless besides the small jerks because of physics in the sling. Cole kept scratching and scratching at the wax seal, leaving red shavings all under his fingernails.

''Here. Let me.'' The older boy gently took the envelope from his hands and peeled away the wax seal. Cole then snatched it from his hands, eager to read as he pulled it from the white envelope.

The note was folded up and quite thick, and when Cole had pulled it out it unraveled like a ball of yarn and folded-up sheets of paper fell to the floor; almost looking like an accordion.

''Nicky..'' Cole was both in shock and completely enamored, as some color ran to his cheeks watching it fall to the floor, some words written in Nick's messy handwriting scribbled onto the page stood out, with little red hearts whenever Nick mentioned his name.

Dear Colesy, You're mine. You're my world. My everything. My boy. I'll scream it from the fucking rafters, Cole. I have not come across love as deep as this. You have redefined the meaning of love to me and showed me that I deserve it in every possible way. Its in the way you call my name, the way you hold my hand, the many jokes you crack, the many tears you wipe off my face, and the words of encouragement you give me every day. I go to bed knowing that I have genuine love from you, and for once, all the love I give is returned to me in these beautiful ways. I love you, Cole. I adore you and would not trade our love for each other with anything in this world. It is as simple as it comes but one of the most beautiful things I have had in my life. You have made it safe for us to be ourselves without fear of judgment. You have pushed us far to grow and improve as individuals and lovers. I can confidently say that I have experienced true love with you, and this is always what I wanted. When I think about you, I feel blessed and loved. You are like home to me, and the calmness and peace that comes with knowing someone loves you genuinely. I feel the love in how you treat me and push me to become a better person. I have broken barriers and beliefs that stopped me from realizing my best self with you in my life. Thank you for being such an integral part of my growth. One thing I know for sure is that this relationship has taught me things I would never have learned if I didn’t meet you. You have helped me redefine myself and the things I want for myself. I have dug deep into myself and discovered my potential to make it in life. Thank you for loving me and impacting my life so positively. No one can change my belief that you are a fantastic person to your loved ones and me. You have so much love to give; I get inspired to do the same for the people around me. Your impact on my life is far beyond the love notes, the kisses, and the dates; it is how I seek inspiration from you to become better for me, you, and everyone else. Your love never fails, and ours has proven that over and over again. I am confident in what we have built together and where we are heading. This is just the beginning of a beautiful, fulfilling future together. Cheers to many bright days and happy moments together; I love you. I never lose the spark I get from our relationship. Every time I see you, I feel like the first time I lay my eyes on you. You remain my crush, and the feeling remains so fresh and alive. The love we are creating for ourselves will be magical, and we will be glad we stuck together. My life is as peaceful as it can get with you by my side. You have shown me what love feels like and why it is important to everyone. Knowing that you wake up every day and choose to love me gives me more confidence to work on me and us. I love you more now than ever. Knowing I have this precious gift in my life makes me want to see another day. You are worth treasuring, and with every passing day, I will show my appreciation for being in my life. You are more than I imagined, more than I prayed for, and more than I ever wanted. No joy goes beyond the feeling I get when I am with you. You spark a lot of appreciation for life because you are in mine. And, knowing that you will always be here for us gives me hope for a happy future together. I love you for everything that you are and will be. Life has not been the same since I decided to bring you into my life bubble. You have been with me during the dark days and the happy days, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I get to do life with you as we figure out our dreams and aspirations. I am happy I have you here with me. I know I say this a lot, but I didn’t think I’d find love as deep as this one. You have made me believe in the power of letting love lead the way for us, and this has revealed to us the most beautiful thing ever; our love. I can't wait to see what the future holds, but I know it will be beautiful and worth the journey. Love, Nicky <3

Cole's eyes darted across the page, pulling it up from the floor every now and then to continue reading until he got to the bottom of the page. Some tears pooled in his tired eyes, as he looked back at Nick who was just standing there still beaming at him.

''Nicholas..!'' Cole let the tears fall from his eyes, as his voice shook from the emotional words that Nick had poured his heart out through.

''I love you so much, more than words could ever explain'' The taller boy traced gentle circles into Cole's bad shoulder, massaging his scalp as Cole cried into his chest and left small wet spots on his shirt.

Cole could smell the teakwood body wash on Nick's skin even through his shirt, just another aspect that made him Nick. He felt the larger body gently lift him from the ground, being gentle with his shoulder as Nick steadied him and carried him to their bedroom.

''All mine, baby.''

The blonde boy lifted his head away from Nick, glancing around at the room until the bay window caught his eye. It was adorned with rose petals, pink and red pillows, blankets, a shit ton of candy, and two wine glasses on the nightstand dragged next to their new cozy spot.

''Y-you did all this? For me? Seriously, Nick?'' Now Cole was beaming just as bright and happy as Nick was; still admiring what Nick had set up.

''When did you even get the time?''

''Is that why you came from the front door?''

''I mean I wonder why I heard your car parking out back and-''

Words flew out of Cole's mouth like the spitfire boy he was, so many thoughts circulating his head and coming straight out.

''Shhh.. Settle.'' He cooed, interrupting his constant flow of consciousness. Nick carried him to the window, setting him down softly while still being careful with his shoulder. Nick made himself comfortable, holding the blanket to the side as he motioned for him to lie in his lap.

Cole likes Nick's thighs. Like a lot. Maybe more than a lot. Cole really likes Nick's thighs. If Cole had the energy, he'd be leaving marks and bites all over him. Maybe another time when his shoulder is not fucked up. But for now, all he wants is to lay his head on Nick's thighs and let the rest of the night waste away with him.

Cole propped his shoulder up on a pillow, while Nick grabbed a glass and gently held Cole's chin up to make it easier to drink. The younger boy let his jaw slack, as his lover gently tipped the glass further so the French wine could pour out into his mouth. The flavors of bittersweet alcohol danced on his tongue. Nick twirled Cole's silky hair around his fingers, placing the wine glass back then taking a sip of his own.

Both boys continued this for a while, not needing to say anything. Being in each other's presence was enough.

The moonlight flooded in through the window, as they continued to let the time tick away and the ripples on the lake roll. Nick definitely didn't forget Valentine's Day.

[edgeofpanic]

the obligatory 2022 anime roundup

2022 has been one of the strongest years for anime that I can remember. Nearly every season had its one Big Show with Fall slam-dunking its way into the history books with 4 or 5 hits airing at once. You couldn't ask for a better slate of shows to distract you from...everything.

I've watched a ton of anime this year, both new and old. There are 5 that left a big impression on me that I want to talk about, but here are some honorable mentions:

Birdie Wing: how can you say no to underground mafia golf tournaments with a heavy dollop of lesbianism

Kaguya-sama: Love is War -Ultra Romantic-: it should be illegal to be this consistently good after three seasons and I can't wait for the movie

The Executioner and Her Way of Life: this show is good, yall are just mean

Cyberpunk Edgerunners: what I wish the video game had been in every way

Do it Yourself!!: how can you say no to cute girls doing cute DIY projects with a heavy dollop of lesbianism

Urusei Yatsura All Stars: now I know why people have been in love with Lum for 40 years

Dirty Pair: Project Eden: the platonic ideal of Dirty Pair

I'm issuing a blanket spoiler warning for any of the anime covered in this. With that out of the way, let's get to it.

King of Braves GaoGaiGar + King of Braves GaoGaiGar Final

GaoGaiGar is the series that doesn't know how to end. There are 3 distinct endings between these two shows: one in episode 33 of GaoGaiGar, another with the finale of GaoGaiGar in episode 49, and yet another with the end of episode 8 of GaoGaiGar Final. The stakes get bigger and bigger with each subsequent ending until the fate of the universe itself is on the line. Remarkably, none of these endings ever feel cheap or unearned. Yes, there's some unexpected turns--episode 49's ending in nearly had me on my feet and yelling at my computer--yet they're firmly rooted in the larger than life personalities of our protagonists at the Gutsy Geoid Guard. There's a warmth to them even when yelling attack names at the top of their lungs. None of them could have possibly known GGG and GGG Final would be the last of the Brave series, but each heartfelt speech about heroism makes you wonder if they were giving their all because they felt it was coming. Particular credit goes to Nobuyuki Hiyama and Tomoe Hanba for getting me invested in Guy and Mikoto's relationship, stop and start as it is. Sometimes hets have rights.

Then again, it's got the room to end more than once. Capping out at 49 TV episodes and 8 OVA episodes, the GGG saga is a beast of a saga. We don't see see these kind of episode counts anymore unless you're a legacy show like the Urusei Yatsura All Stars or whatever that new adaptation of The Legend of Galactic Heroes is called. It's a shame, too, because certain genres really benefit from longer runs. GGG thrives on the ability to simultaneously elicit chest-thumping excitement and slow burn drama week-to-week. As you adjust to the world running on Rule of Cool, you come to expect that the heroes can overcome any odds with the power of Bravery and Friendship. It's always worked before.

Until it doesn't.

As the OVA approaches its end, after over 50 episodes with our heroes, Guy's dad dies. An actual, real death that can't be walked back with Guts and Heroism. Everyone overcomes their grief to defeat the antagonists threatening the fate of the universe, but encounter a greater source of despair: there's only enough time to send one or two people away from the collapsing pocket universe they're currently trapped in. The majority of them can't return to the Earth they fought so hard to save. They will never go home again.

I can't remember exactly what I said when this was revealed, but I'm sure it was something close to, "No! They can't do this now!" No one is supposed to die in GaoGaiGar. No one is supposed to realize they may not be able to reap the rewards of their hard work. No one is supposed to realize that the hardships of this world fall on the shoulders of the next generation despite their best efforts.

Yet that's what happens. In the end, the decision is made to send Mamoru and Kaidou back to Earth in the brief window of time the adults have. Only they are allowed to pick up where the GGG left off and continue on in to the future.

While the OP for both GaoGaiGar and GaoGaiGar Final is this big, bombastic affair on being a hero and shouting attack names--DIVIDING DRIVER! BROKEN PHANTOM! GOLDION HAAAAMMMMMMERRRRRRRR!--the ending is much more subdued song named "Someday, In the Sea of Stars". My friend and I usually skipped it because tone shift was too jarring. There's no time for this boring song! We gotta get to the next episode! When the third and final ending of the series uses a rendition sang by all the VAs...it hits. At the end of oaths of bravery, the people you love are waiting for you. And when they're gone, they aren't forgotten. You'll meet them again. Some day, some where.

Serial Experiments Lain

It's been a weird year.

Objectively, I'm doing well. I got a promotion at work, I'm seeing positive momentum in therapy, my friendships are strong. In return, less time and less motivation make engaging with my hobbies harder than ever. Stress and anxiety are at an all-time high. I've been having full-blown panic attacks that leave me figuratively and literally shaken. Most of my time has been spent wondering if I'm stuck coming to the same conclusion of choosing myself when I can't even define who "myself" is, never fully enjoying my life. For fuck's sake, there's a literal dip in my mattress from where I've been laying in place and feeling sad for the last three years. My therapist and friends keep telling me that I need to live in the now, but how are you supposed to stay in the present when it feels like a kaleidoscope of horror? Why would you ever want to?

And in the midst of a weird year in a series of weird years, nearly every episode of Serial Experiments Lain slapped me in the face with the opening dialogue of, "Present day! Present time!"

I've seen critics use terms like "prescient" and "visionary" for describing the show, and it is. Sort of. I feel that it's too steeped in conspiracy theory for those descriptors to be entirely accurate. It shouldn't surprise you to learn its writer would fall face first into QAnon and have the Digimon Tamers kids fight Cancel Culture so. You know. There's that. (For the record, Perfect Blue is my go-to for "on the cutting edge" anime. It does a far better job of describing the terrifying consequences of having your identity stripped away by the ever-grinding internet content machine without being weird about it.)

What the show does predict is the vibe of the Internet 24 years after its release. The bleak, conspiracy-laden conversations from every corner of the Wired feel like doomscrolling through Twitter or Reddit. It's an arresting experience that is obtuse to the point of being annoying and so painfully topical that I paused several times during some episodes to catch my breath. As Lain loses her sense of self to the constant noise of the Wired, she, and we the audience, are trapped between a nightmare of a present that never came to pass and a paranoid future that's all too real.

SEL wears its thesis statement on its sleeve: all people, no matter who they are and where they go, are connected. These unspoken connections are what make us human. The lyrics to the insert song for episode 13 put it plainly, "I try to be connected by something to someone, anyone/In the wandering night, you keep waiting; a signal of loneliness". All she needs is someone who sees her as more than a tool for their own ends or a god to be praised. At Lain's lowest point, her reality-bending powers aren't what rescue her from a liminal hell. Love is what pulls her up to her feet and so, so much more. I can only hope love saves me, too.

I took notes as I watched SEL. Yes, I know that's not best practice for engaging with a piece of media for the first time, but it felt essential to capture my thoughts as they happened. In total, there are around 10 pages (handwritten!) of them. Here's a selection for your enjoyment:

big emphasis on light and shadow. all shadows have this paint splats texture in them. Sometimes the textures move, but mostly they look like blood. Darkness feels so deep as if the characters will fall into them. in contrast, much of the real world is blank white.

that shit where Lain sees the faces of people (willingly?) trapped in the Wired that are constantly cycling through terror and ecstasy is kinda fucked up! is she seeing them? is she hallucinating them?

"we saw someone die and we can't take it seriously. i think there's something wrong with us." prescient.

it's striking how barren Lain's real life is. washed out, barely real. sterile. but the Wired is color, noise. cacophony. the madness and chaos of the human existence. constant connectedness. Instrumentality-esque.

Alice feels like the only person who knows what kind of show this is.

holy fuck Lain's room isn't even a room anymore. at least it isn't one where humans live. but it is one perfectly made for the new God of the Wired.

now THERE'S the anime bullshit!

oh god, everyone staring at you. primal fear unlocked.

"I'm the only me." said while under shifting lights in the dark

Lain is doing NORMAL and FINE

it's all men who say they love Lain. older men, too. 2. it's an abstract kind of love. love of the ideal of normalcy, love from a follower to a god, love from a god to a follower. it's all big concept "love." intangible. contractual in the case of the last two. but not "I called to see how you were" or "left you some food" or "saw this funny picture and thought of you" love. destructive vs transformative. one-sided.

…also score some of the more traumatic moments to this jazzy [music] piece.

Alice is real. and because Alice can remember Lain, Alice who is kind and good and is loved by Lain, this makes Lain real, too. FUCK.

ALL RESET. RETURN.

Gay people truly do it all!

Sonny Boy

Full disclosure, I haven't finished this anime yet and I'm not sure when I will. Binging it is an option, but that feels...wrong. This isn't a show you sit through and then dump from your brain.

Honestly, Sonny Boy is intimidating. It's the only anime I've ever seen that doesn't have an OP or ED sequence nor an eyecatch to break the ever mounting tension. What should be a run of the mill coming of age story becomes a supernatural thriller as the students leap from one confusing dimension to the next. The influence of the manga The Drifting Classroom is obvious in nearly every way.

If you're able to keep up with the emotional toll it demands, you're rewarded with one of the most beautiful shows you've ever seen. Bright colors and incredible layouts ease you into its complex visual allegories. I already know there'll be plenty of new visual clues I'll notice in future viewings. This includes watching how each character reacts to the weird situations their thrown into. The cast is an entire graduating class worth of students, yet every one of them feels like a distinct and unique person. The core cast especially stand out as they're all, and I say this lovingly, weirdos. Now that their school is hopping between realities, these ostracized, lonely kids must now choose between groups of classmates who now violently demand their loyalty. In these unprecedented, unforeseen, extraordinary times, who do you trust? Why?

I've got 6 episodes left of Sonny Boy. I can't wait to see where it goes.

Mobile Police Patlabor 2 the Movie

I'm a self-proclaimed oldhead when it comes to anime. Yes, there are many excellent current anime (more on that in a bit) and yes, I'm grateful new generations of animators willing to push the boundaries of the medium. However, the feeling that most anime created post-2010 are created by committee is impossible to shake. Look at how many isekai and light novel adaptations are pumped out every year. There aren't many shows that where directors' intents and philosophies are blatant anymore.

Mamoru Oshii has a reputation for using a well-established series to explore whatever topic is on his mind. Urusei Yatsura: Beautiful Dreamer swaps out its usual zany humor for reflections on the march of time and nature of reality. Fans of the time were not pleased their hot alien wife was nearly non-existent in the movie. Regardless of how fan criticism then and now, it's an uncompromising Oshii production. You'd think the fan letters with razor blades he received after Beautiful Dreamer would deter him from experimenting with the formula of a well-loved franchise, but he would do it again with Patlabor. Originally an OVA and manga started in 1988, the show is generally a light-hearted affair following a police squadron of goofballs who shouldn't be trusted with giant robots armed with giant-robot sized magnums but they are anyway. Their cases run the gamut from defusing a bomb set by eco-terrorsists to solving a Scooby-Doo mystery to stopping a potential coup by the JGSDF. They'll always get the job done--even if a few buildings and roads get blown away in the process.

None of that fun atmosphere can be found in Patlabor the Movie. Instead of a fun romp, it's a quiet, moody reflection on how those in power abandon those who need the most help in the dogged pursuit of capital and the fluid nature of our reality. With the first signs of the fragility of the economy by the time of the movie's release in July 1989, it's a poignant look at a country on the edge.

Patlabor the Movie 2 is about what happens after the music stops.

You can practically feel Oshii shaking you by the shoulders with each new development, demanding that you ask yourself who must be subjugated by state violence to keep your streets safe and prosperous. Just watch this sequence and tell me you don't feel his righteous fury:

Or watch this sequence and say you don't notice Oshii's contempt for a nation and military willing to oppress their neighbors to ensure "safety":

Neither of these moments have left my head since I first watched it. I doubt they ever will.

This movie is so incredibly Oshii that it would not be the same without him. Hell, I doubt it would even exist. No one else has the skill to make a movie so staunchly anti-capitalist and anti-military while making its cop protagonists relatable.

It is a movie suited not just for 1993, but for every moment spent living under capitalism. This isn't one of my favorite anime movies, it's one of my favorite movies, period. Whether or not you have any prior knowledge of Patlabor, I cannot recommend it enough.

Bocchi the Rock!

Fall 2022 was a barn burner of an anime season. Chainsaw Man. Gundam: Witch from Mercury. Mob Psycho 100 season 3. Spy x Family cour 2. MOTHERFUCKIN' BLEACH. Any of these could easily be anime of the season or anime of the year. For me, the clear winner of both these accolades is….

An anime where a girl gets beat up by birds because she's so pathetic and is left in a Yamcha-style crater in the ground.

You've likely seen 6 videos and 4 essays by now on how BTR is an underappreciated gem. Seeing how it's set the anime world on fire, this status is distinctly untrue by now. Still, it's hard to understate how much of a surprise Bocchi is. My friend threw it on during a session of our longstanding anime nights for fun and both of us were blown away by its quality. Every joke is funny. Every shot is composed for maximum effectiveness. Every VA is giving it their all. Bocchi's VA is learning how to play guitar! Everyone on the animation staff sounds thrilled to be working on this. It is the epitome of a show firing on all cylinders with the creative energy to match.

What elevates a run of the mill "girls make a band" premise is our titular protagonist Hitori "Bocchi" "My Daughter With Every Disease" Gotoh. Her social anxiety isn't a small, cute part of her personality but a disability that constantly gets in the way of her life. Entering a public space becomes an all-consuming fear she'll be perceived as weird or unlikable by total strangers. Asking her friends if they want to hang out becomes a months-long ordeal that's only resolved when they realize what she's been too afraid to ask on the last day of summer vacation.

And yet, she allows herself to try even when at rock bottom. Yes, she plays the entirety of Kessoku Band's first show from inside a cardboard box, but she still gets on stage. The people in her life are happy to help her move forward in any way they can. Bocchi learns--slowly and with many setbacks--that her gloomy personality is accepted by those who care about her. She may not easily make friends, but for those who stick around, they'll be friends for life. She has no enemies.

Personally, that's a hard pill to swallow. As someone with social anxiety, depression, and general anxiety, I've had the same spiraling "god, what if everyone decides they hate me" thoughts before entering a restaurant or grocery store. It's a constant voice that makes it difficult to take walks, message my friends. My life can be a shitty place to be multiple months out of the year. I'd like to say I've made progress, but the Serial Experiments Lain section should tell you everything about how that's going. Each week spent with Bocchi as she strives toward her goals only reiterated what I already knew: the only way forward is through.

And Bocchi does, indeed, go through it. Hell, she literally climbs into a trashcan in the third to last episode. You've seen the tumblr post by now. However, she allows herself space to grow and be a comfort to others, if need be. Everyone in Kessoku Band benefits, as well: Ryo gains a place to belong although she's a loner by choice; Kita fully devotes herself to developing a skill rather than going after several half-heartedly; Nijika finds others she can share her dream of hitting the big time with. They make each other a better band and even better people. While the band finds some success after two successful public gigs, their anxieties don't disappear. Rather, it gets easier for each of them to bear. However long it may take and how many trash cans Bocchi may climb into, they'll be able to shoulder those burdens together.

"This show deserves a second season" is such a cliche at this point, but I mean it for this one. Bocchi the Rock deserves that and more. The anime world, and myself, is made better with Bocchi's uncompromising rock.

[xynnoix]

*finally got up from laptop* well hello Xyn Shifu! How are you doing? How are your precious eyes? Are you resting well?

New chapters of comic were fire! The expressions, the colors, the light, the pace, the story- Everything is sooooooo freaking good! I can't wait to see how it will turn, but of course, no rush, have your well deserved rest and keep yourself from burning out, be hydrated, be well!

Recently I checked my eyes(which is totally normal for me by now) and I got new season of "no screens", which means I won't use any screen(phone, laptop) more than 2 hours per day, which is okay for me. It only means that I got an excuse to print out your comics to look at them when I am practicing art or just want to be closer to something great ;]

Again, thank you for sharing your incredible art with us! I wish I could show better how much I appreciate and love your art and everything you do! Be well and stay healthy, Shifu!

- 🐍

Oh my gosh, 🐍 hi!! I've been going fine and uh- *glances at the clock* yeah- I...I've been resting (no, but like, I have been going to bed really early these past few days, today's just weird lol)

Thank you so much! I was so worried that the story might be pacing too slow and such. I'm glad to hear that, it's such a relief :D

Oh gosh, well- we really need to reduce our screentime XD I need to too, but when my own thing is involved around staring at the screen, it's quite difficult lmao. I hope you get the rest you need tho! That's really a good idea.

And again, thank YOU for the support. It keeps me going and I appreciate it so much. Love y'all <3

[minimoefoe]

if you could only change one (1) thing about 13's whole era, what would it be? also, if you got to bring back another character (companion, doctor or otherwise) for TPotD who would you choose? :))

someone asked about what i'd change in thirteen's era a few days ago and i said this but if i had to say something else it would probs be something thasmin related.

like i think it's really cool that thasmin ended up happening bc of fans so I wouldn't wanna change that but even tho i love all the things we did get with them and i love a slow burn and tbh i don't feel massively robbed bc they decided to go into it late, i do think committing to addressing it directly a bit sooner, maybe like late s12 or early s13, rather than leaving it to the last three episodes wouldn't have hurt anybody

i feel like with flux it would've been kinda hard to go into it fully then so i kinda get it and idk maybe if we got a full regular series things would've played out differently and it would've happened sooner idk

it's weird bc i love what we got so much and at this point couldn't imagine it being done differently and i do think ppl just generally dont give thasmin enough credit, like it is amazing imo. but also the fact they were aware of thasmin all the way back when s11 aired but then chose to do two more seasons of pining and slow burning and only commit 1000% to acknowledging it directly in the last three episodes is slightly frustrating idk

as for returning characters. i would've liked to see ryan in that ep and also martha in the support group woulda been great. and i wish we saw a couple of new who doctors in the limbo scene with all the classics

[kochlandhomestead]

Well there goes June, hello July. Where is 2022 going in such a hurry?

I guess its time for another of my self accountability post. Sorry if you don't like these but I believe they have kept me honest.

For years I have called the time from my Birthday in March till after Antes Fort Historical Days "busy season" due to how much goes on during this time. It seems like every year it gets busier too (except 2020👿) and this year has been crazy. This just may have been my busiest June ever!

I wrapped up classes during the first week. Its been great to have those hours of studying for other things. I do miss the constant advancement in my various studies but if I dont take a minute im sure to burn out.

Homestead life has been full. Adding the little fellas to the flock has brought new energy to my chicken kingdom. I really wish I could find a few more new friends. The big garden is coming along little by little. Stuff is growing! So of course are the weeds. So far so good with the groundhog situation. It seems we finally got the tractor into running condition after 3 years of carburetor/fuel issues. Dad mowed all the fields without braking down. I will take that as a victory!

Wrestling has been good. In June I had 3 shows but also missed 2. Gas prices are hard when you're traveling 2-3 hours or more for little or no return. July is kinda slow but I gave so much else that its ok and August is going to be jam packed!

Tv Wrestling watching has boiled down to actually watching AEW live every week, catching IMPACT when I can and falling further and further behind on GCW, MLW, NJPW, NWA and the rest. For now im concentrating on WWE PPV's as its just too much.

eBay is dead. Theres no other way to say it, its just dead. People are not buying vintage tshirts and toys when gas is $5 and food is soring. Our sale the other week did ok. I need to get out to more markets and the such. Hopefully as we move towards the holidays the online selling will pick up.

I have been doing pretty good with eating and keeping my calorie goal. I actually gained a few pounds even with the heat and activities of the past month. Now to amp up my workouts!

Home life is pretty much the same. I do wish I gad at least a cat to talk to some nights but as of now its not meant to be.

The biggest thing coming up is our town Celebration. I have actually been keeping track of hours that I've spent on this and it's up over 50 already and we're not even to the event. Next week is sure to be crazy but it's also going to be fantastic!

I guess thats pretty much it for tonight. I've talked your ear off anyway.

Lets make July a great moth!

[stevevans]

i know who you pretend I am -f.o

summary - when you think you have nothing left, the capitol proves they can take more.

warnings - torture, violence, angst, general thg violence

w.c - 1.7k

part 2?

District 13 was completely underground, the reception was terrible so there were only a few tvs, none allowed to Finnick and Katniss personally.

They had each other, each day they grew closer, from the Hospital beds to their own rooms to even eating meals together. Sometimes Annie and Mags would come out and join them.

“I wish they were dead. I wish Y/N was dead.”

His eyes were red and swollen from crying, deadpanning as he looked up at Katniss. She truly never got the opportunity to digest how terrible the Capitol truly is.

Finnick had years, she won’t know until it hits her directly.

“She was supposed to get out first. Before me.”

He felt guilt, pilling up in his chest as he tried to suppress tears, letting out a roar of anger instead. Katniss waited until he was done to sit down beside him, promising to get you and Peeta back.

As they eat the same lunch, the tv turns on. Commotion begins as they all turn, Finnick putting down his spoon, eyes wandering to the screen. He figures it will be another work announcement, yet what he did not expect is to see you.

The sofa you two sat on was blood red, propping you both up like dolls. Dressed in a white gown, tulle pooling at your calves and silk draped over your body, loose sleeves that puff out like the paper muffin liners you both used at home, your eyes glassy as you shifted besides Peeta.

He looked good, yet you looked fragile.

Caesar Flickerman’s voice and face came up as the camera panned,

“Hello, we have a special message for the Radicals creating tyranny, from two of our favorite Victors, Peeta Mellark and Y/N L/N.”

Katniss and Finnick were out of their chairs by now, walking closer to the tv as he slipped his hand into her’s, trying to comfort her and ground himself.

Peeta spoke first, his mind seemed to not truly be all there. You kept messing with your dress, looking down and up and around, makeup caked on your face.

“People are hurting, put down your weapons.” The last thing Finick expected was for you to speak,

“Please, Radicals, listen to us. You do not want a fight, we have lived in peace for so long, we all need to do our part in keeping the peace.”

As the people of 13 started to get angry, slamming their trays, whispering harsh words until it turned into screams and Finnick could barely hear the tv, his ears were ringing as the room spun.

He could see your face scrunch in confusion as Caesar explained what happened in the arena, shaking your head, your hand coming to tap on your face.

“No, no, no Finnick would have told me. They did nothing wrong. They would never do that. We do not know what is going on, Finnick loves me, they have to be keeping him hostage, he’d never abandon me.” Your voice wavers as the tv goes dark when Peeta begins spouting gibberish.

He fell to his knees in the cafeteria as the voices called you a traitor. The rest he blocked from his head as guilt ran through his bones.

As the seasons changed, unnoticed by Finnick he grew sicker. Katniss had made a deal that you and Peeta would be rescued at the earliest convenience, but he couldn’t help the feeling that overcame him frequently.

Peeta had only been on the tv one more time since he saw your face, and he looked worse. Finnick could only imagine how you looked, what you were going through, what they were doing to you, and it broke him. So he took to staring at the picture you wanted him to burn.

You promised he would never need another picture of you, since you were going to spend the rest of your life by his side.

How the times change he would think bitterly.

He was listening to a propo with Katniss when Coin came in, demanding Beetee change the channel, that they needed to see.

It wasn’t you. That was a ghost.

Your eyes were sunken, deep purple bags, your cheekbones poking through your skin like sharp knives, you were shaking, trembling, hair falling in your face, yet pinned perfectly.

He could see your nails, chipped and stained red, from blood, he would know the sickly color anywhere, it frequently found him in his night terrors.

You looked terrible, your collarbones peeking out from under your dress. This time it was a pretty blue, like the water, a deep neckline where he could make out marks and bruises that the makeup couldn’t hide.

It shimmered, sparkling like when the sun hit the water just right at sunset. He had to bite his lip to keep from crying, tears already threatening to leak. Peeta looked just as bad. Matching eye bags and bruises, he wondered, selfishly, if they were hurting him more because of Katniss. He wished they were.

When Peeta started speaking you seemed dejected, detached, almost like you weren’t there, your mind far from the Capitol.

“Now Y/N, care to extend on Peeta’s point?”

“Can I go home? I’ve been good, can I please go home? My Mother must be going crazy wondering where I am. I just want the fighting to stop, I want to see my Boyfriend F-'' Your voice died off, as if you failed to remember his name, and his hope dwindled. The TV quickly cut off after that, Peeta’s anger ending the Capitol message abruptly.

All of the Capitol prisoners were rescued a few days later, Finnick and Katniss could hardly contain their excitement. Haymitch had warned them that it would most likely take a long time to find out what all the Capitol put you both through, but Finnick could care less, he just wanted you back.

They had told him that when they came they could hear the broadcast Finnick was giving, and you were screaming so loud they went to your room first, knocking you out with gas.

He was just ecstatic to see you in person again.

The Doctors refused to leave you alone, test after test, blood pressure, pulse, how are you? All over again and again. You were just so tired, You wanted to sleep, but the bed felt too cold.

Everything felt off, it was strange, you felt as if you didn’t belong here, yet you were forced to stay. They told you only what could keep your head above water, always pressuring you to speak more, but your voice was gone.

You shook with an unknown fear every time you thought you saw him. He was the villain of your story, the night terrors that kept you from sleeping, that had you begging Peeta to meet you at the wall to talk, but Peeta stopped coming.

Memories were hazy, the Capitol was weird, you can’t quite put your finger on what they did, the memories all blurred together, but judging by the new weight on your body and the way everyone treated you as the most delicate, fragile creature, you knew it was bad.

The doctors said you had a special visitor, yet they still refused you a mirror, or even a bit of makeup. You had missed human interaction that was not Doctors, Haymitch, or some Government official in 13.

You hoped it was Peeta or Johanna.

You felt like it wasn’t you in your body, shaking, as you climbed off of the white hospital bed, the sheets were wrinkle-less, and when you woke up they were still perfect, pristine, it reminded you too much of the Capitol.

Facing the wall as you waited for your guest you started to pick at the bed of your nails. It hurt, but you were real. They had at least let you put on a shirt and pants after you had begun gaining weight back.

You let your hair down from the ponytail it was in, running a shaky hand through it. Picking at the ends you watched the ground as the door opened. The voice was soft, but it got you to perk up, fear running down your spine and filling you up from the bottom up.

“Baby, is it really you?” his voice was soft, he sounded sad, you could see his feet coming closer, slowly, but it still came closer.

No matter how soft he spoke, you filled with fear. You couldn’t bring yourself to look at him yet, hands bunching into fists as your nails dug into your palm.

“Please go away.” Your voice wavered, wanting to cry.

“They told me they are still wondering what happened, but it's okay. You’re okay, I will never let them touch you again. I will kill every last one of them if they even try to touch you.”

You had won the Hunger Games, you could do this, you could evade him long enough to press the big red help button.

He must have taken your silence as complicitness as he shuffled closer to you, causing you to let out another scream at the top of your lungs.

“Please! Back away!”

He seemed sad by your actions, slowing him down long enough for you to nimbly run past him and press the red button,

They kept your door closed so you were ‘safe’ they said, but it was to keep you inside.

“Help me! Please! Help me! He’s trying to kill me! Please!” You screeched, screaming until Haymitch burst in, along with Plutarch and a plethora of Nurses and Doctors.

The man, you couldn’t even say his name, started screaming,

“What the fuck did you do to her? What the fuck did you let them do? Don’t fucking touch me!” Haymitch had to take him out with the help of security,

“They did it with Peeta too, they made her think you are the bad guy. It is not our fault, or yours, the Capitol did this, remember that. The Capitol.”

You tried to stop screaming and crying, but your body would not allow for it. As soon as he was out you crumpled onto the floor, sobs wracking your body as you begged.

The next thing you knew was darkness.