#I rewatched it two months ago and I need my fix again

[whatareyoudoingwithamaserati]

<- guy who misses lifesteal season three all of the time

[yukkiji]

don't go

after seven years of quiet devotion, a devoted secretary’s sudden resignation forces her boss to confront feelings he’s long buried. as boundaries blur and truths unravel, they both must face what’s really been hiding beneath the surface—before it’s too late.

haikyuu masterlist. leave a little stardust on my ko-fi

starring. kuroo testuro x fem!reader

genre: fluff, romance, slowburn, workplace romance, mild angst

wc: 6.8k

author's note: i was rewatching what's wrong with secretary kim earlier and an idea popped up, so this inspired by that kdrama and i think kuroo would fit sm

he early morning light filtered softly through the blinds of the japan volleyball association’s sports promotion division office, casting long shadows across the sleek desks and polished floors. the usual hum of printers and quiet chatter was absent; you were the first to arrive.

your heels clicked softly against the tile as you made your way to kuroo’s office — a glass-walled space at the corner, where the city skyline stretched wide behind his desk. the room smelled faintly of coffee and leather, a quiet comfort you’d come to know over the years.

you’d been with kuroo tetsurō for seven years. not in any romantic sense — he had been your boss from the very beginning, ever since he took over as head of the sports promotion division at the jva.

in your hand was the cream envelope you’d carefully written months ago, folding it with the hope and fear of a secret finally set free. until now, you hadn’t found the courage to give it to him.

inside, kuroo sat at his desk, black hair tousled as if he’d just rolled out of bed, a half-empty mug of coffee at his side. his eyes were fixed on a spreadsheet, brow furrowed in that familiar way — either deep in work, or avoiding something you weren’t sure you wanted to ask about.

he looked up as you stepped in. the usual smirk that played on his lips was gone, replaced by something quieter — curiosity, maybe a little caution.

“morning,” you said, voice steady despite the flutter in your chest.

“morning,” he replied, eyes narrowing slightly. “early.”

you moved forward and placed the envelope carefully on his desk. “i need to talk.”

kuroo leaned back, fingers steepled. “about?”

you hesitated, heart caught for a moment before meeting his steady gaze.

“about me leaving.”

the words hung between you, fragile and weighty.

kuroo’s eyes darkened, but he said nothing right away.

“this is sudden.”

“that’s why i’m giving my advance notice,” you said. “traditionally it’s two weeks, but i don’t want to leave right before the all-stars match. so, i’ll stay through the all-stars, and then i’ll be gone.”

he was quiet for a long moment, taking it in. finally, voice low but steady:

“seven years. feels like you just started yesterday.”

you swallowed hard, the weight of those years pressing down.

“i know. and i’m really grateful for everything you’ve given me, kuroo-san.”

he raised a brow, “so, you’re leaving to work as a secretary for someone else?”

you shook your head. “no. i’m planning to continue my master’s degree abroad, and after that, i want to find new opportunities. it’s not about working for someone else.”

“i could put you on indefinite leave if you want to keep studying,” he said, voice a little firmer now.

you sighed quietly. sometimes he could be frustratingly stubborn. he was one of the smartest people you knew — but somehow, when it came to things like this, he just didn’t get it.

“tetsu.”

you rarely used his first name, and when you did, it had weight. he fell silent.

“i want to grow. to see the world. to be more than this.”

“but—”

“no buts. once the all-stars match is over, that’s final.”

the room fell still again. the tension between you was thick but unspoken.

the next morning, the office was quieter than usual, the calm before the whirlwind of travel and events. you sat at your desk, finalizing the itinerary for the all-stars trip. your laptop screen was filled with flight details, hotel bookings, and meeting times — meticulous planning, the kind you’d grown used to over seven years.

kuroo stopped by your desk, glancing at the screen without really looking. “everything set for poland?”

you nodded, tapping the keyboard. “yeah, flight’s booked. we land in warsaw late evening. ushijima’s team is arriving the next day. i coordinated with him yesterday — he wants to go over the schedule before the first practice.”

kuroo stretched, eyes lingering on you for a moment before returning to his coffee mug. “you’ve been handling this kind of stuff since day one. you make it look easy.”

you offered a small smile, but it didn’t quite reach your eyes. “it’s not easy. just… familiar.”

he nodded thoughtfully, then gestured to the envelope still tucked in your desk drawer. “have you thought more about giving that to me?”

you paused, fingers hovering over the keyboard. “soon. after the all-stars. i want to focus on this trip first.”

kuroo didn’t press further. instead, he tapped the desk lightly. “we’re lucky to have you on this trip. it’ll be chaotic, but with you organizing, it’ll be smooth.”

“that’s the plan,” you said, eyes flickering to the window. outside, the city pulsed quietly beneath the morning sun — a reminder of everything waiting beyond these walls.

“i’ll meet you at the airport tomorrow,” kuroo added. “we’ve got a long flight ahead.”

you nodded, closing your laptop and standing. “i’ll finish packing tonight.”

as you walked away, kuroo watched you go, a quiet tension lingering in the space between you — unspoken words, and the knowledge that everything was about to change.

the meeting with ushijima in warsaw was surprisingly swift — the schedule and logistics fell into place far more easily than you’d expected. ushijima’s straightforward “yes” to the plans left no room for drawn-out discussions or delays.

kuroo glanced at you as you packed away the last of the documents. “well, that was faster than anticipated.”

you smiled tiredly. “it’s good news, though. means we can get ahead of schedule.”

after a quick check-in with the team and confirming the next steps, kuroo pulled out his phone and started coordinating the next leg of the trip.

“rome’s next,” he said, scrolling through flight options. “we’ll meet kageyama there, finalize his part of the all-stars lineup.”

you nodded, already feeling the familiar tug of excitement mixed with exhaustion. “i’ll update the itinerary and notify the others.”

with the poland stop shorter than planned, you both headed to the airport again, the rhythm of travel resuming.

as the plane soared toward italy, you leaned back in your seat, eyes on the city lights far below, thinking about how this whirlwind trip was slowly drawing to a close — and how much had changed along the way.

meeting up with kageyama was just as swift as with ushijima. the setter barely hesitated before agreeing to join the all-stars match — officially for the event, but everyone knew there was more to it.

“i’m in,” kageyama said simply, eyes sharp but with the faintest hint of a smile when kuroo mentioned the chance to see the old team again.

“don’t think you’re just doing it for us,” kuroo teased, earning a quick glare from kageyama.

“i’m not admitting anything,” kageyama replied dryly. “but yeah, it’s been a while.”

you exchanged a glance with kuroo, the easy camaraderie between them reminding you of all the years woven into these relationships.

“then it’s settled,” you said, closing your folder. “next up — argentina.”

kuroo nodded, already pulling up the flight details on his phone. “hinata and oikawa will be waiting.”

as you prepared to move on, the quiet momentum of the trip pressed forward, each stop bringing the team closer — and you closer to the end of this chapter.

the warm san juan air greeted you as you stepped off the plane, the golden light of late afternoon casting a soft glow over the city’s terracotta rooftops and bustling streets. the scent of fresh bread mingled with the faint hum of distant music drifting from open windows. it was a world away from the ordered calm of tokyo, yet somehow familiar — a reminder of the many places volleyball had taken you over the years.

waiting near the curb was oikawa, effortlessly poised as always. his sharp eyes caught yours immediately, a playful smile already tugging at the corners of his lips.

“look who finally made it,” he said smoothly, stepping forward with that easy confidence he always carried. “a fellow seijoh alum. honestly, i wasn’t expecting you to show up here.”

you returned his smile, a little amused despite yourself. “oikawa-san. it has been a while.”

“way too long,” he agreed, folding his arms with a grin. “but no hesitation here. count me in for the all-stars. right away.”

you blinked in surprise at his quick agreement. before you could respond, he added with a teasing tilt of his head, “and hey, while you’re here… maybe we should go on a date. catch up properly.”

he leaned in slightly, that familiar mischievous glint in his eyes making the air between you feel charged for a moment.

from the side, kuroo’s hand shot out, smacking oikawa’s head away before he could get any closer. “hey, back off.”

oikawa chuckled, rubbing the spot on his head with a grin. “relax, kuroo. i’m just teasing. but seriously, i’m in for the all-stars. no questions asked.”

kuroo smirked, eyes locked on oikawa with that sharp, competitive edge he always had.

you cleared your throat, stepping between them to break the rising tension. “let’s focus on the preparations. there’s a lot to coordinate before the match.”

oikawa’s eyes sparkled with mischief as he glanced between you and kuroo. “of course. but you can’t blame me for trying.”

the easy banter reminded you of all the layers beneath—years of rivalry, friendship, and complicated history. as you climbed into the waiting car, the city’s warm glow stretched out before you, the next steps of this journey already unfolding.

finally, the last stop was brazil.

the heat and humidity hit you the moment you stepped off the plane in rio de janeiro. the vibrant city buzzed with life—the distant rhythm of samba echoing through the streets, colorful markets bustling with energy, and the iconic silhouette of christ the redeemer watching over everything from its perch on corcovado.

waiting for you near the arrivals gate was kenma, quiet and unassuming as ever, earbuds in, scrolling on his phone. beside him, kuroo leaned casually against the wall, arms crossed, watching you with that familiar smirk.

“kenma decided to tag along,” kuroo said, eyes flicking to his longtime friend. “he’s one of hinata’s closest friends, so i just let him be.”

kenma glanced up briefly, offering a small, reserved smile before slipping his earbuds out. “hey.”

you returned the greeting, feeling the contrast between kuroo’s brash confidence and kenma’s calm, almost aloof presence. it was a relief in a way—the balance they brought to each other.

“so, this is rio,” you said, taking in the sights and sounds around you. “definitely a change of pace from argentina and italy.”

kenma nodded slightly, “it’s… loud. but it grows on you.”

kuroo laughed softly, shaking his head. “kenma’s way too quiet for a city like this. but he’s useful—good with planning and keeping things under control.”

kenma gave a small shrug, already pulling his earbuds back in.

you glanced at kuroo. “how’s hinata?”

“he’s fired up,” kuroo replied, eyes gleaming with that familiar competitive spark. “this all-stars match means a lot to him—and to all of us.”

the three of you headed toward the car you had booked to take you to the hotel. the city’s vibrant energy buzzed around you, but the exhaustion of travel weighed heavy in your limbs. luckily, hinata had agreed to meet up the following day—the hotel you were staying at was just a short walk from the beach where he usually practiced.

“good timing,” kuroo said with a smirk. “plus, you’re clearly jetlagged. not exactly your best day right now.”

you gave a small laugh, rubbing your eyes. “definitely. i don’t think i’d function well for much longer today.”

kenma glanced over, his calm voice breaking through the hum of traffic. “rest up. the match’s coming fast.”

the car pulled away from the airport, carrying you through rio’s bustling streets toward the hotel. as the sun dipped lower, casting a warm orange glow over the city, you felt the exhaustion finally catch up, the need to recharge before the whirlwind of the all-stars match.

the next morning, the sun was already high when you made your way down to the beach. the salty breeze carried the distant sound of waves crashing and the rhythmic thud of a volleyball hitting sand. your footsteps slowed as you spotted him—shoyo hinata, effortlessly leaping into the air for a spike, his energy infectious even from a distance.

kuroo was nearby, arms crossed, watching with that familiar smirk, but you could tell he was trying to keep up with hinata’s relentless pace.

“hey,” kuroo called as you approached. “ready to catch up with the little giant?”

you nodded, smiling softly. “yeah. it’s been a while.”

hinata landed and jogged over, sweat glistening on his brow but eyes bright. “you made it! didn’t think you’d be this close to my training spot.”

“thought it was a good chance to catch you before the match,” you said.

he grinned, tossing the ball up and down. “cool! maybe you can show me some of your moves?”

you laughed. “you’d be surprised how rusty i am.”

hinata’s grin widened. “doesn’t matter, we’ll make it fun.”

kuroo shifted beside you, clearing his throat. “don’t go easy on them.”

you glanced at kuroo, who was pretending to look away but clearly wasn’t letting the moment slip by. hinata, oblivious to the subtle tension, bounced the ball eagerly.

the morning slipped into afternoon as you all talked and practiced in easy companionship—a brief pause from the hectic schedule ahead.

at one point, you brought up the upcoming all stars match, glancing between kuroo and hinata.

“so, hinata,” you said, “are you really joining the all stars game?”

hinata paused, the ball still in his hands. a broad smile spread across his face. “of course! wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

kuroo chuckled, crossing his arms. “he’s been fired up about it since we first brought it up. guess he’s just excited to play alongside the others again.”

“yeah,” hinata agreed, eyes shining with determination. “plus, it’s a good chance to meet up with old friends—and maybe make some new ones.”

you smiled, glad to see the same fire that had brought all of you together years ago still burning strong.

as the sun began to dip below the horizon, casting warm hues across the sky, you finally returned to your hotel room. your back sank into the soft covers of the bed, and a deep sense of relief washed over you—the project you had dedicated so many months to with kuroo was finally coming together.

just as you were about to close your eyes for a quick nap, a faint knock sounded at the door.

curious, you glanced through the peephole and saw kuroo standing there. he wasn’t in his usual suit and tie; instead, he wore something more casual—an uncommon sight that immediately caught your attention.

you opened the door. “yes, tetsu? do you need something?”

he hesitated briefly. “uhm, i know this is our last night before we head back to japan.”

“i’m aware.”

he ran a hand through his messy black hair. “i’d like to take you out for dinner. you know, to thank you for all your hard work.”

you blinked, surprised by the gesture but quickly nodding. “that sounds nice.”

kuroo’s usual smirk softened just a bit. “good. i’ll wait outside.”

you closed the door behind you, the quiet buzz of the city night just beyond. maybe this trip was already ending, but something felt like it was quietly starting.

the restaurant wasn’t far—just a cozy spot kuroo had discovered during one of his previous trips. the warm lighting and soft chatter inside made it feel worlds away from the busy schedules and long meetings you’d been buried in.

kuroo slid into the seat opposite you, his casual demeanor still holding that unmistakable confidence. “i figured you deserved a break. plus, it’s rare we get time like this.”

you smiled, feeling a surprising ease settle over you. “it’s nice. quiet.”

he nodded, eyes scanning the menu briefly before setting it down. “so, what’s the plan after all this? once you’re back in japan?”

you hesitated, then shook your head. “still figuring that out. continuing my studies abroad is the priority, but after that… i want to explore. see where i fit.”

kuroo studied you, expression unreadable for a moment. “sounds like you’re ready for something new.”

“yeah,” you said softly. “i think i am.”

the conversation drifted to lighter things—memories from past projects, awkward moments during travel, the subtle quirks of some of the players you’d met. kuroo’s usual teasing made you laugh, breaking through the tension you hadn’t realized you’d been carrying.

when the meal was over, kuroo stood, offering you his arm in a rare gesture. “shall we head back?”

as you stepped out of the restaurant, the cool night air wrapped around you both. kuroo kept his arm loosely around your shoulders—a quiet contrast to his usual confident, sometimes sharp demeanor.

“you know,” he began, voice low, “if you think about it, maybe you don’t have to leave.”

you glanced at him, surprised by the sudden seriousness. “what do you mean?”

he shrugged, trying to play it off like it was casual. “i mean, you’ve been here for seven years. you know the ins and outs better than anyone. you’re an important part of this team—and honestly, i don’t know how i’d manage without you.”

you bit your lip, looking away for a moment. “it’s not that simple, kuroo. i want to grow. see new things. this place… it’s comfortable, but maybe too much so.”

kuroo’s gaze didn’t waver. “comfort isn’t a bad thing. sometimes it means you’ve found the right place. maybe you’re looking for something that’s been here all along.”

you sighed softly, torn between the pull of new horizons and the weight of familiarity.

“think about it,” he said, voice quieter now, “there’s still a lot we can do together here. the all stars match is just the beginning.”

you met his eyes again, the challenge clear.

“i’ll think about it,” you said finally, a small smile breaking through.

kuroo’s smirk returned, just a little softer than usual. “that’s all i’m asking.”

kuroo walked you back to the hotel, the quiet streets glowing softly under the city lights. the night air was cool, but not uncomfortable—just enough to keep the moment lingering between you.

when you reached your door, you paused, the usual calmness suddenly giving way to something unexpected. without thinking, you leaned up quickly and pressed a soft kiss to kuroo’s cheek.

you pulled back instantly, eyes wide in surprise at your own boldness. “sorry… that was—i don’t know where that came from.”

kuroo froze for a beat, then a slow, unreadable smile curved at the corner of his lips. “huh. didn’t expect that.”

you hurried inside, closing the door quietly behind you.

but just down the hall, kenma—who’d been passing by—caught the whole thing from a crack in his door. a small grin tugged at his lips as he shook his head.

“kuroo,” kenma called softly with a teasing edge, “looks like someone finally got to you.”

kuroo’s dark eyes flashed, half-annoyed, half-amused. “shut up, kenma.”

kenma chuckled as he retreated into his room, leaving kuroo standing there with a rare flicker of something unspoken in his expression.

the morning after that quiet, fragile moment in rio, everything between you and kuroo felt like a glass ornament balanced on the edge of a shelf — delicate, one wrong move from shattering.

as you packed your suitcase in the hotel room, the kiss you pressed to his cheek replayed in your mind like a loop you couldn’t break. it had been impulsive, heat-of-the-moment. but it left behind a trail of confusion — not just for him, but for you. something small… that meant something too big to name.

at breakfast, you kept your eyes trained on your plate, pushing scrambled eggs around without appetite. kuroo sat across from you, unusually quiet. his gaze was steady, searching, like he was waiting for something — a glance, a word, a sign that the tension wasn’t all in his head.

you gave him none of it.

the ride to the airport was worse. you sat by the window, chin resting on your hand, watching rio blur past. kuroo was beside you, but miles away. his arms were crossed, his posture rigid. he didn’t speak — not a word — and you didn’t offer any. the silence between you had become its own language. one of evasion. one of grief.

and once you were back in japan, it only deepened. the office felt colder, though the air conditioner wasn’t to blame. kuroo had always been your rhythm, your banter, your tether — the rare constant in years of change. but now… he barely approached unless it was strictly work-related. and when he did try — small talk, coffee offers, questions — you sidestepped them with a tired smile and excuses that grew thinner by the day.

you could see the growing frustration in his eyes. the way his voice would falter mid-sentence. the way he would look at you, like trying to decipher a version of you that no longer made sense.

and yet… you kept pulling away.

until one afternoon, he couldn’t take it anymore.

he leaned against the edge of your desk — no smirk, no charm, just rawness simmering behind his eyes. “alright, what is this?”

you glanced up from your keyboard, startled. “what—?”

“this,” he repeated. “you. me. the avoidance. the one-word answers. i feel like i’m talking to a ghost.”

you sighed. “kuroo, i told you, i’m just tired.”

“no,” he snapped. “no, don’t give me that. you’ve been dodging me since rio. since—” he stopped himself, jaw tightening. “since the kiss.”

you looked away, guilt threading its way through your chest.

he stepped closer. “is this your way of making me get used to you not being around? of trying to make it easier to leave? because guess what? it’s not.”

you swallowed. “it’s not like that.”

“then what the hell is it?” his voice cracked just slightly. “because you’re pushing me out and pretending like it’s nothing. like we’re nothing.”

you stood then, trying to steady your voice. “i don’t want things to get messy. that’s all.”

his laugh was short. bitter. “too late for that, don’t you think?”

the silence after that was deafening.

days passed. weeks. and even as the all stars game loomed — the thing you’d both poured yourselves into — the wedge between you grew colder. wider.

then came the morning of the game.

the stadium buzzed with anticipation. lights gleamed from above, echoing across polished floors. journalists hovered, volunteers bustled, and the energy was electric.

but inside you, it all felt hollow.

you stood quietly off to the side, scanning the players as they warmed up. your eyes paused on kuroo, who laughed at something bokuto said, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. you recognized that smile — the one he wore when something was bothering him.

when he spotted you, he made his way over, stopping a few feet away.

“you know,” he said, voice low, “this is technically your last day.”

you didn’t answer.

he ran a hand through his hair, hesitating. “look, i’m not asking for a dramatic goodbye. i just thought—after everything—we’d at least talk. really talk.”

you shook your head, arms crossed tightly. “there’s nothing to talk about.”

he stared at you, stunned. “that’s it? you’re really going to pretend like this—like we—never meant anything?”

you bit your lip, staying silent. if you said anything, it would all come undone.

kuroo’s breath caught. “you know, i thought brazil… i thought maybe that meant something.”

his voice dropped, thick with something too close to pain. “guess i was wrong.”

you turned your face away, not trusting yourself to look him in the eye.

and just like that, he stepped back. “right. well. good luck with your next chapter.” his voice was flat now. guarded. wounded.

as he turned to walk away, something inside you ached. but you stayed still. you had to. you had to.

the all stars game was a dazzling success.

the arena was electric — packed stands, camera flashes, thunderous cheers. the players put on a show worthy of the hype, the kind of match that lived up to everything kuroo had worked for. there were handshakes, interviews, confetti, and smiles.

but none of it registered for him.

not when he looked toward the sidelines and didn’t see you.

you’d disappeared right after the closing ceremony. no lingering in the hallway, no small talk, no casual teasing over the mic setups or souvenir programs. just a polite wave to the event staff, a tight smile, and a quiet excuse:

“i need to head back to the office. some final reports i need to tie up.”

you didn’t even meet his eyes when you said it. and you didn’t wait for him to respond.

so now he sat in a corner booth of a dim izakaya, flanked by familiar voices and fading adrenaline. his old nekoma team had rallied around him — yaku, kai, lev, kenma — all of them still buzzing from the excitement of the match, still glowing in the aftermath of the spotlight.

but kuroo? he nursed a highball and stared into the glass like it could give him answers.

“she really didn’t come?” yaku asked, glancing around as he sipped his beer.

kenma didn’t even look up from his phone. “she said she was heading back. didn’t want to join.”

kuroo let out a soft scoff under his breath. “of course she didn’t.”

kai gave him a look. “you okay?”

kuroo swirled the ice in his glass. “do i look okay?”

lev blinked. “did something happen between you two?”

there was a beat of silence before kuroo leaned back against the booth, head tilting toward the ceiling. his voice was low, but bitter.

“yeah. something happened. and then… nothing.”

he downed half his drink in one go before setting the glass down with a quiet thud. “we spent seven years building all this. not just work — us. the routines, the coffee breaks, the 2 a.m. calls about budgets, the flights, the after-conference ramen. seven years.”

kai frowned. “you sound like you lost something.”

“because i did,” kuroo muttered. “i just didn’t realize it was already slipping away.”

kenma finally looked up. “she didn’t say anything?”

“she kissed me,” kuroo said abruptly, and the table went still. “in rio. just before we left. it wasn’t dramatic. just… a kiss. on the cheek.”

yaku’s eyes widened slightly. “wait, she—?”

“and then she shut me out,” kuroo continued, voice flat. “stopped talking to me. treated me like i was just another person in the room. and today? on her last day? she wouldn’t even have a conversation.”

kenma tilted his head. “you tried?”

kuroo let out a humorless laugh. “i told her. i said it was her last day, that we should talk. she looked me in the eye and said it wasn’t the right time.”

lev blinked. “maybe she was just overwhelmed?”

“no,” kuroo snapped, then softened. “no. she meant it. she chose not to say anything. she chose to walk away.”

he stared down at his hands for a moment. they were steady — they always were. but he felt anything but.

“i asked her if she was trying to get me used to not having her around. because it feels like she’s been practicing. piece by piece.”

there was something cracked in his voice now — not rage, not even heartbreak. just the quiet weight of disappointment. of something unfinished.

yaku leaned forward. “so what are you going to do?”

kuroo gave a small shake of his head. “what can i do? she’s gone. she made that choice. i didn’t even get a goodbye.”

kai sighed, rubbing his temples. “maybe she thought it’d hurt more if she said it out loud.”

“it hurts either way.”

kuroo’s voice was soft, but it landed hard. even lev had nothing to add.

“she made me feel like it meant something,” he said. “then acted like it never happened. so brazil… all of it… was nothing to her.”

no one contradicted him. no one tried to spin it into something more hopeful.

because in that moment, kuroo looked like a man standing alone in the ruins of something he didn’t know he’d built until it was already burning down.

the table fell into silence again, the buzz of the izakaya fading to the background. laughter from other booths echoed faintly, clinking glasses and upbeat music drifting through the air like a distant world they weren’t part of tonight.

kuroo stared at the condensation on his glass, jaw clenched.

“she didn’t even say goodbye,” he said again, softer this time. “not really.”

the ice in kuroo’s glass had long since melted, leaving behind watered-down remnants of his second or maybe third highball. he couldn’t tell anymore. time felt loose and strange around the edges, like the inside of his chest.

the others had fallen into soft conversation again — yaku arguing with lev about something stupid, kai offering quiet mediations between bites of karaage. kenma had retreated back into his phone, thumbs tapping away, a human metronome to the chaos around him.

but kuroo sat still. not drunk. not really. just… tired. in his bones. in his head. and most of all, in the hollowed-out place you used to sit inside his routine.

he stood abruptly, pushing his chair back with a scrape.

kenma’s eyes flicked up. “you leaving?”

kuroo didn’t answer right away. he rubbed at his eyes with the heel of his palm, then looked at his best friend with a new kind of determination cutting through the fog.

“kenma,” he said. “can you drive me?”

kenma blinked. “drive you where?”

“to the jva building.”

kenma stared. “it’s almost midnight.”

“she’s still there,” kuroo said. “she’s still working. i know her.”

yaku looked up. “wait, seriously? you’re going to the office now?”

lev perked up. “can we come—”

“no,” kuroo cut in, sharper than intended. then, after a breath: “no. i need to do this alone.”

kenma watched him for a long moment, then slipped his phone into his pocket with a sigh. “you better not throw up in my car.”

kuroo gave a small, breathless laugh. “i won’t.”

it was the most alive he’d sounded all night.

the ride was quiet. tokyo’s streets were washed in neon and silence, the late hour blurring the usual noise of the city. kenma drove with one hand on the wheel, the other occasionally adjusting the radio volume when it dipped too loud. he didn’t ask questions. he didn’t need to.

kuroo sat in the passenger seat, leaning his forehead against the cool window glass. his fingers tapped restlessly against his knee.

“you think she’s still there?” kenma asked, finally breaking the silence.

“she’s meticulous,” kuroo murmured. “even when she’s breaking my heart, she’s probably making sure all her files are sorted. i just… i have to try.”

kenma didn’t say anything, but he didn’t argue either.

when they pulled up in front of the building, the lights on the upper floor were still on.

kuroo’s heart kicked hard against his ribs.

“i’ll wait in the car,” kenma said, glancing over. “go do whatever dramatic, heartbroken boss thing you need to do.”

kuroo huffed a quiet laugh. “thanks.”

he stepped out into the cool night air, running a hand through his hair as he crossed the empty lobby. the building was dead quiet — even the usual security staff had dimmed the lights and nodded him in without a word. everyone knew who he was here.

of course they did. he built this place with you.

his shoes echoed down the hallway, every step like a countdown.

he found your office exactly where it always was — lights still on, your silhouette hunched over your desk through the frosted glass. your coat was draped over the back of your chair. your laptop screen cast a pale glow across your tired face.

you hadn’t left yet.

kuroo stood there for a second, just watching.

and then, with a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, he raised his hand and knocked.

once. twice.

you looked up slowly, your eyes widening as soon as you saw him.

then your expression shuttered.

you didn’t say anything as he opened the door and stepped inside.

but your voice, when it came, was wary. guarded.

“kuroo… what are you doing here?”

he closed the door behind him.

and the room suddenly felt too small for all the things he hadn’t said.

you stared at him, a hollow pit forming in your stomach.

he looked disheveled — like he’d run here without thinking. his tie hung lopsided, shirt untucked at the back, the sleeves slightly wrinkled. his hair, always messily stylish, now looked more storm-tossed than deliberate. and his eyes — god, his eyes — were shining with something too raw, too real to name.

“what are you doing here, kuroo?” you asked, quieter this time, arms crossing instinctively like you could shield yourself from the weight between you. “you should be out celebrating. the game was a success. you did it.”

he didn’t smile.

“i couldn’t celebrate,” he muttered, stepping into the glow of your desk lamp. “not when all i could think about was you packing up your things. leaving without a word. again.”

your breath caught. the last time you'd seen him, you hadn’t said goodbye — just left your resignation on his desk and walked out before the celebration started.

your lips parted, but the words wouldn’t come.

kuroo let out a bitter breath, like he’d been holding it in for days. “i’m such an idiot,” he muttered, dragging a hand through his hair. “i thought giving you space was what you needed. i thought i could wait it out — that you’d come back, like you always did. but i let you drift further away. i let the woman i…” he stopped, jaw tightening. “…the woman i love walk away. because i was too slow. too careful.”

you took a shaky step back, your shoulder hitting the edge of your desk. the sudden pressure grounded you. “kuroo…”

“no,” he said sharply, voice cracking. “i can’t let this end like that. not when i’ve finally figured it out. not when i’m standing here, still wanting you more than anything else in the world.”

“tetsu… you’re drunk,” you said, trying to soften the tremble in your voice. “did you… did you drive here like this?”

the worry cracked through the tension, sharp and instinctive.

kuroo blinked at you, then immediately shook his head. “no—no, i didn’t. kenma drove me.” he swallowed hard. “he said i’d regret it if i didn’t go after you. and he was right.”

you exhaled shakily, the thought of him on the road drunk knotting your stomach. “god, kuroo, you scared me.”

“i know. i didn’t think, i just—” he stepped forward again. “i just knew i couldn’t let you leave like that. not without telling you what i should’ve told you a long time ago.”

you watched him, silent, heart thudding in your chest like it wanted to crawl out of your ribs.

“i love you,” he said, more softly now — like it hurt to admit. “and i should’ve told you in brazil. or when we were in argentina, laughing over shitty hotel food in the hallway. hell, maybe back when you used to bring me coffee during those overnight meetings just because you knew i’d forget to eat.”

you turned your face away, throat tight.

“but i didn’t,” he continued, his voice trembling now. “because i was afraid. because i didn’t want to ruin everything we built. and now? not saying anything ruined it anyway.”

“tetsu…”

he braced his hands on either side of you, leaning on your desk — close enough to feel his breath, but still not touching you. still giving you room.

“i know i messed up,” he said. “and i know i don’t get to ask you to stay. but if there’s even a sliver of you that still wants me too—if there’s even a flicker of us left—i’m not walking away. not without a fight.”

you blinked quickly, trying to stop the tears that had started gathering behind your eyes.

“why now?” you asked, barely a whisper.

kuroo let out a breath like the question gutted him. “because i saw your empty desk tonight. and it felt like someone had punched a hole through me. it felt like everything was darker. quieter. wrong.”

you bit your lip hard. “but what if it doesn’t work out?”

“then it doesn’t,” he said simply, shoulders rising and falling in a shaky breath. “but at least we’ll know. at least i won’t have to spend the rest of my life wondering what might’ve happened if i’d just opened my damn mouth.”

he reached for your hand then — slow, hesitant — brushing his fingers over yours like he didn’t deserve even that.

“i don’t want to go back to pretending,” he said. “i don’t want to keep acting like i don’t look for you in every room. like i don’t ache when you’re not there.”

the silence in the office felt deafening — the kind that settles when something important is about to happen.

“i love you,” he repeated, quieter now. “even if i am drunk. i’d say it again tomorrow. and the day after that.”

your fingers trembled as you reached for him, finally lacing your hand with his. and the way kuroo’s body sagged — like he’d been holding up an entire building on his shoulders — made your heart twist.

“i love you too.”

the words left before you could stop them, raw and fragile, but real.

kuroo blinked at you, like he didn’t believe what he heard. “you—what?”

“i love you, tetsu,” you said, clearer now. “that’s what scares me the most.”

he stared at you like he didn’t know whether to cry or kiss you.

“then why were you going to leave?” he asked hoarsely. “why didn’t you tell me?”

you looked down, unable to meet his eyes. “because i don’t know who i am outside of this. this job. this team. you. i’ve spent seven years orbiting you, kuroo. i needed to know i could stand on my own without falling apart.”

you glanced up to see him flinch, like your honesty physically hurt.

“i thought if i stayed, i’d never learn who i was without you,” you added softly. “and that scared me.”

he didn’t speak right away. when he finally did, it was almost a whisper.

“you thought loving me meant giving up yourself.”

you nodded once, and his eyes shuttered.

“i won’t be the reason you stay small,” he said. “but don’t think for a second that i won’t love you while you grow. even if you grow away from me.”

you bit your lip, hard. “i want to be with you. but i’m still scared.”

“then be scared,” he said, cupping your cheek, voice fraying at the edges. “be terrified. i am too. but don’t walk away thinking you have to do it alone.”

you exhaled shakily. “it’s going to be messy.”

“good,” he murmured. “i like messy.”

you laughed — a broken, breathless sound — and kuroo leaned in slowly, like he still expected you to push him away.

but you didn’t.

you rose on your toes, fingers fisting in the fabric of his shirt, and kissed him.

it was tentative at first — searching, unsure — but it deepened quickly, years of repressed feelings rushing to the surface all at once. his hand cradled the back of your neck, the other pressing into the curve of your waist like he was afraid you’d disappear again.

and when you pulled away — breathless, eyes stinging — his forehead rested against yours, a shaky smile ghosting his lips.

“i thought i lost you,” he whispered.

“you almost did,” you whispered back. “but i didn’t want to be found until i knew who i was without you.”

“and now?” he asked.

you took a breath. “now i want to figure it out with you. slowly. on my terms.”

he nodded, brushing his thumb over your cheek. “then we’ll grow together. messily. slowly. loudly, if we have to.”

you laughed, a soft huff against his mouth.

and when he kissed you again — slower, steadier this time — it felt like a promise.

no longer boss and secretary.

no longer what-ifs and missed chances.

just two people — flawed, frightened, in love — finally finding their way toward something real.

together.

[ectogeo-rebubbles]

For the fic ask game: ✑ PROCESSING for “and if you don’t love me now, you’ll never love me again”

Thanks for the ask!! <3

(for this ask game)

Okay so, and if you don't love me now, you will never love me again likely started out with the fact that I had never successfully written a Broken Link fic despite TRYING many times. I think one or two people have actually seen the drafts of one of my early ds9 wips (c. 2020) that had Broken Link + garashir as a focus, but it was such an unfixable mess that I long ago abandoned it haha. Luckily no writing - even the stuff that goes blessedly unpublished - is ever wasted effort, because Broken Link thoughts continued to percolate in my head for years, which is Step 1 of the process. :)

Step 2 was coming up with the specific plotbunny of garak kissing julian goodbye before julian went down to the planet and then, later, julian being more mad at garak for the bad timing of when he finally asked him out, than for garak having just tried to destroy the planet he was standing on (it's all just part of the bad timing!).

Step 3 is to forget whether or not you started writing this plotbunny, only to learn it's actually just been a daydream on loop in your head. I only know this happened because I was trying to get a timeline for the writing process for this post and found a message I sent in March 2023 saying something like "haha oh yeah I just remembered a cool wip I started awhile ago (or thought I had started writing, because I can't find it now)..." The outline was def drafted and developed in DMs.

Step 4 is to use the Chakoteya transcripts as a reference for the episode while writing a rough first draft. I think I did rewatch the episode once or twice at some point to confirm that the missing scenes I'd written made sense in the chronology of it (I think I may have had to rearrange things after one of the rewatches, like I think I at first set the first scene in the hallway outside of the infirmary, but that was BEFORE Garak's convo with the Founder, so that made no sense and I had to rewrite it). Also, I tend to draft in bursts, and then edit super slowly.

Step 5 is to have a seemingly unrelated great idea for an Extreme Measures fix-it fic where Julian kisses Garak goodbye before they both go off to do their dangerous things that they might not survive. And then to realize that both of these fics are nearly the same concept. And then use that realization to fuel my evil writing powers and fan the flames of my inspiration, and, like, compare and contrast between these two points in time and between which of them is the one initiating the first kiss that is also a goodbye kiss. <3 Sometimes you just have to work on the exact same fic multiple times simultaneously, you know how it is. I finished "kiss me hard before you go" first because it was for an event that had a deadline haha.

Step 6 is to continue to let the mostly complete draft simmer for weeks and/or months, while editing and tweaking and trying to think of a title and deciding how to finish up ONE (1) bit of dialogue. Luckily I did finally find a PERFECT title (Garak knows that Julian won't love him after what he's about to do - also the song the line's from is called The Chain, and the episode is about The Great Link, so that's just a fun lil bonus), and I think I brainstormed with you and Dill in order to nail down the last bit of dialogue I needed.

I hope you've enjoyed this!! <3 My memory is really bad so I hope I am representing my writing process somewhat accurately hahaha

[a-force-dyad-in-space]

A Fanfic Update

Hey guys, I thought I should give you an update about what's going on Ongoing-WIPs-wise just in case you've had some worries.

The short of it is that the writing juices haven't flowed well for a while now and I'm trying to get them back but it is a struggle. I've worked a bit on this fic or other but haven't made significant progress in a few months. I absolutely hope that will change soon but I unfortunately can't force it. It doesn't help that I'm going through some stuff IRL right now that I have to take care of (I am unfortunately an adult who has to do adulting and pay bills and shit 🥲). I try not to be too stressed out about it, but the more time passes the more the anxiety sets in. Wish me luck. 💪🏻

Anyway, here's a fic-by-fic overview, split up by fandom.

THE UNTAMED

The Angsty SongXue Fic — I'll be honest, I've written a little bit since I last updated you guys but I still haven't finished the buffer chapter (at this point I'm thinking about posting chapter 51 even though 52 isn't done yet), so nothing really new here. I really want to get back into a writing flow but so far it hasn't really worked. I am still working on it, though, so don't worry, I'm not going to drop it.

The It Follows AU — I'm ashamed to say I didn't even realize I posted that fic almost two years ago and I still haven't written the second half. I'm so sorry it's taking so long! I definitely still want to finish it! I might rewatch the It Follows movie before I do that, though.

The Observer Series — Oh yeah, remember that smutfic series I started a few years ago of which I've only posted part 1 so far? Yeah, I still need to work on that. I did write chapter 1 of part 2 a while ago, so it's not like it's forgotten, I just need to get my ass up and write the rest of part 2 before I can post it. 🙈

The Color Rush AU — Okay, technically I haven't posted that one yet but I did share a snippet along with a gifset a few years ago, so you guys know it exists. I haven't worked on it in a long time, though, and I don't know yet when I will find the spoons to continue writing it but I'm still intrigued by the premise and want to give it a go. Thank you for your patience!

The Somewhat Sweet, Somewhat Angsty XuanXian Fic — Again, haven't posted that one yet but I've been posting about it, so you guys know it exists. Nothing new on this front. I did want to rewrite the whole thing because I wasn't really happy with the way I wrote it thus far, so I'll probably go back to it at some point and do that, I just don't know when yet.

WORD OF HONOR

The Xie'er Deserves the World Fic — Listen, guys, I love this fic so much, I just haven't worked on it in a while. I'll probably re-read what I've written so far and go on from there, I've just been struggling with the latest chapter ever since I started writing it years ago. It's not dropped, though, I will get back to it! Pinky swear!

SAILOR MOON

I've mentioned here and there that I'm working on part 1 of an epic that is based on a doujinshi I started when I was 13 or 14. Unlike my other WIPs, this one really is 100% self-indulgent to the point where I don't even care whether people will read/like it once I post it when it's completely done. I'll just put it out there to make my teenage self happy because this story has been simmering in my head for over 20 years, and so that my IRL friends can read it if they want to. So, this one will be a long way out, but it exists. I'm only really mentioning it because I've mentioned it a couple of times before and because it's the fic that's been on my mind the most lately.

STAR WARS

You didn't think I forgot about TROBS, did you????? I did work on several beginnings of a draft during NaNoWriMo last year and I'm getting more and more of a clear picture of how I want it to go. For those unfamiliar, TROBS (or The Rise of Ben Skywalker, though I already changed the name of the fic again) is my attempt at an Episode IX fix-it fic that essentially replaces TROS. This one has been simmering in my head since early 2020 and I really want to get it out of there and onto the page for catharsis. I've even held off on reading any other TROS fix-its because of it, even though I've heard there are some really amazing ones out there (and I can't wait to read them once I've gotten my own out of my damn head). I really need to finally finish that beast. Wish me luck. 🥲

UNPOSTED WIPs

I still have so many notes for other fics (mostly for The Untamed) that I want to write at some point. Will I be able to get them all on the page? I honestly don't know, but I'll see where they take.

Anyway, that's all!

[xnchxntmxnt]

Just A Dream

Fandom: Stranger Things

Character: Eddie Munson

Warnings: VOL. 2 SPOILERS. angst, injuries, blood, just the shit thats in the show. hurt comfort

Notes: Long story short im coping and not well, im touch starved and he deserved better. Heres my fix it fic for my favorite eddie kissers. and yes, yes i did rewatch that Scene to get the dialogue right

gn (masc leaning) reader

Reblogs > likes

“Dustin. Dustin, look!”

“Eddie!” 

The two of you limped forward faster—since your boyfriend decided to fend off the demo-bats by himself, you both jumped back through the gate where Chrissy died and Dustin pulled a muscle in his leg. You probably sprained an ankle, at the least. Pure adrenaline, fear, and each other were the only things keeping each other up at the moment. 

When you were close enough, you knelt beside him, blocking out the pain from your foot. Whatever he was in had to be worse. Dustin unceremoniously fell next to you, grabbing for his hand. 

“Sweetheart…” you trailed off, brushing a bit of blood-caked hair out of his face. 

“Bad, huh?” he asked, coughing up some of the blood pooling in his mouth. 

“No! You're gonna be fine!” Dustin leaned forward and started pulling his shoulder, trying to help him sit up. “We just gotta get you to a hospital.”

Eddie winced and groaned in pain, trying to help himself sit up. All was futile, however—between all three of you, you could still barely get him far enough to lean into your lap. 

“I think I just… I think I just need a second, okay?”

The moment you let go, he slid back onto the Upside Down ground. Dustin kept one hand in Eddie’s, the other gripped tight on your arm. He wanted you to fix him—he was begging you to do anything to make all this go away. But there was nothing to do. 

“I didn’t run away this time, right?” he asked, forcing a smile through his bloody gums. Always with that smile. You’d seen it at every band practice and performance you went to, every night when you picked him up from Hellfire, hovering above you just after he’d kissed you senseless—no matter what life threw at him, he was always smiling. 

You shook your head, managing a smile of your own. “You didn’t, Ed. I’m so proud of you.”

It was easy to see his consciousness fading already, but he was pushing hard to stay up. “Listen to me, kid,” he said, squeezing Dustin’s hand. “You're gonna have to look after those little sheep for me, okay?”

Dustin sobbed. “No, you're gonna do that yourself.”

“Nah, man. Say ‘I’m gonna look after them.’ Eddie paused, coughing again. “Say it.”

Dustin could barely manage the words. In the last six months, you and Eddie became something akin to older siblings for him, but he’d always been closer with Eddie. Everyone in Hellfire saw it, you saw it—they were good for each other, and loved each other on such a strong, familial level it was hard to comprehend sometimes. Sometimes you joked Eddie wasn’t supposed to graduate his senior year so he had the time to meet Dustin and get to know him. 

“I’m…” You took the arm he’d been holding and wrapped it around his shoulders, coaxing Dustin through the words. “...gonna look after…” He couldn't get through it without breaking down again, but Eddie got the message. 

“Good,” he said, picking his head up as best as he could. “‘Cause I'm actually gonna graduate. I think it's my year, Henderson. I think it’s finally my year.”

Dustin sobbed, burying his face in your shoulder. Eddie’s eyes refocued on you, although you could see the life flickering out of them. There was so much to say and yet no words came out. You smiled and cried, looking at the school freak you fell in love with two years ago. 

You held his face, wiping away a bit of blood from the corner of his mouth. “I love you both,” he managed, leaning into your touch. 

“I love you too, Ed,” you nearly whispered. 

He smiled. That same old smile—a very Eddie-like thing to do. Dustin leaned off of you and forward to him, laying his head against his hand and sobbed. You reached forward and closed Eddie’s eyes, pressing a kiss to his forehead. 

**

You shot up from laying in your bed, trying to catch your breath. You could feel the tears pouring down your cheeks and your heart beating out of your chest. Frantically you start hitting the bed around you, searching for—

Your hand lands on something warm. Something soft, too, and thin enough to wrap your hand around. You look down and there’s your boyfriend. Your Eddie. 

He stirs from his sleep, mumbling something about how he doesn't like to be hit awake. However, when he opened his eyes and your panicked state registered in his mind, he dropped the humor and held your face. 

“Hey, sweetheart, I’m right here,” he mumbled, brushing a bit of hair from your face. Immediately, you lunged into his arms, sobbing into his shoulder. 

“Nightmare again?” he asked, gently cradling the back of your head. His other hand moved up and down your back, under your (technically his) shirt. You nodded into his neck, breath slowly calming the longer you stayed like that. 

The first few weeks after he got home were horrible. One or both of you woke up with nightmares nightly and would always call the other one—Ed’s uncle, Mr. Munson got so tired of the phone ringing he didn’t care when you started spending the night. After the first week of that, the both of you realized it was nearly impossible to sleep without the other one there with you. So, until you two moved into your own place, you spent the night there. Sometimes you’d invite Dustin over and the three of you would have a movie night and pass out on the couch/floor in the living room. 

But he got a job. Eddie started putting back money and quit selling drugs (and using, after several months). Eventually, all that was enough for the two of you to get your own place. It was small and shitty, but it was home. 

Now, three years later, you still get those nightmares once in a while, but theyre much less frequent than before. And now, he’s always there to console you and remind you that you’re home. 

The more your breath steadied the more comfortable you were moving around—he readjusted the both of you so you were sitting in his lap, legs around his waist. His arms sat loose around yours, his head on your shoulder. 

“Any better, love?” he asked, pulling away just enough to read your face. 

You nodded, too exhausted to speak. From the little you could see through his hair, the clock read three-something, which was much too late to be awake when you had things to do tomorrow. 

“Alright, come on,” he sighed and laid down with you, keeping his arms around you so you didn’t run away. That was something he started doing after the Upside Down—when he went to sleep, he clung to you with all the strength he could. 

With your head on a pillow and his on your shoulder, you finally relaxed enough to try to sleep again. You played with his hair, knowing you wouldn’t be actually sleeping for a few minutes and hoping it would get him to sleep faster. 

“Don't forget,” he yawned. “We’ve got the Wheeler’s grad party tomorrow that Henderson invited us to.”

You nodded, your eyes getting heavier. You were pretty sure Mrs. Wheeler really didn’t like either of you, but when the entire (now) senior group of Hellfire, plus Steve, Nancy, and Robin vouched for you, she couldn’t exactly uninvite you. And Holly had Ed wrapped around her finger so tight he brought her a gift every time he visited and half the time only went to hang out with her. 

“I love you, sweetheart,” he mumbled into your shoulder. “In this world and the next.”

You smiled and gently tapped his head three times. I love you. 

tags (ask to join taglist)

@emswordss @orshio @rqkuya

[sweetsbfreex]

a father’s duty

Summary: brought to u by the wholesome picture of Cevans sewing up dodger’s stuffed lion 🤧

Warnings: Talk of trauma (nothing too in depth) and talk of sex

Pairings: Dad, Husband!Ransom x reader

-

You and Ransom were cuddled up together on the couch, some random movie he had chosen that you weren’t paying attention to. You wanted to cuddle, but he insisted on watching this movie so a compromise had to be made. And the feeling of his hand going up and down, inside your shirt, against your arm; Could only make you purr in contentment.

And you were meant to doze off if it wasn’t for the dramatic, high pitched scream of pure agony. You both shot up from your seats, looking at each other wide eyed before dashing up the stairs (Ransom ahead). 

Until you were in the doorway of an overly purple room.

“Mommy! Daddy!”

Ransom let a small, stunned gasp at the feel of a teary eyed four year old, Celeste bolting to his legs. Her small arms had tried to wrap around his legs as she sobbed into his jeans, fists tight as she clutching the denim. 

Confused you had leant down adjacent to her, Ransom peering down from his stance, lifting her arms to softly run circles over her back. 

“What’s wrong baby?” a fake pout on your lips.

“She’s dead!” she had sobbed, her puffy cheek making contact with his expensive jeans to make eye contact with you. 

“What? Who’s dead babe?” Ransom asked, tilting his head downward, eye brows stitched together. 

She propped her chin up against his leg, “Daffy” she blubbered, extending her arm behind her to point at the limp stuffed bunny a few feet away.

“Fucking––” He couldn’t finish his sentence a hearty laugh emitted into the otherwise somber air, still laughing (some tears streaking his face) he had picked up the once blubbering girl so she saddled on his hip. 

“Ransom! It’s not funny and language, god”

“C'mon” he dragged the n, “You gotta admit this is hilarious, she’s so dramatic...I wonder who she gets it from” he smirked, looking at you knowingly. 

“You” you appointed, holding back your smile. 

“As if” he scoffs rolling his eyes. 

“Daffy!” Celeste exclaimed, snapping the two from their loving trance. 

“Right!” you snapped yourself back into mom mode, making way to Daffy and your way back to the two, watching Ransom wipe the tears from Celeste’s face, calming her down in a hushed voice.

You sidle up next to Ransom lifting the stuffed animal, so the both of you could evaluate the state of her favorite buddy. You looked up to him, watching his face scrunch up, almost like disgust, but you knew he was just very confused.

“Jeez leste, what’d you do?” 

The light yellow bunny up front was perfectly fine, but once you had turned it around a tear in the fabric of the it’s “spine” was parted, the thread poking out along the hem. 

“I–– I was just spinning her around”

“Is that really what you did” you prompted.

“No..” she set forward shyly, resting her temple against her father’s shoulder. “There was a string and then I pulled it by accident”

“By accident?” Ransom asked, eyebrows raised. 

“On purpose” she mumbled, eyes tearing up slowly.

Celeste is probably the biggest liar the two of you know. You both have been working on that habit, reassuring her that it was fine and being honest is better most times (minus surprises, safety, etc). You both had even resorted to acting out examples for her. She was getting better, but ever the fibber she still found a way to slip into the habit. And when you had asked her why exactly she loved lying, she only replied with a quib “It’s fun!” giggling to herself. 

“Hey it’s okay, you were curious” he cooed, “Mommy will fix it don’t worry” 

You looked up at him mesmerized, not so surprised at the father he was becoming. Remembering all those nights he had kept the two of you up, even the day you were in labor, he had been worried. How was he ever supposed to love a kid properly–– let alone his–– when he never had that benefit. All these what ifs running through his head in a cycle.

He had even taken it upon himself to sign you both up for those parenting classes. The ones with the fake dolls. Dolls that he held gently as if they were alive.

“I will. You’ve had a long day, love, you wanna go to bed now?” you asked her, smiling. 

She nods silently, reaching her hands out to you. Ready for the familiar night routine to begin.

––––

After Celeste had been put to bed, it was not you and Ransom being the only two up. You were both in your shared bathroom, getting ready for bed. 

You groaned, catching the attention of Ransom. “Sewing that thing is gonna be some work” watching yourself in the mirror as you rub in your lotion. 

“You’re tying that thing together, how hard can that be?”

“I’m sewing it together” 

“Tomato, Tomahto” he responded. 

“Fine, since you think it’s so easy why don’t you fix it for her?” 

“Deal. I’ll take another night of anal as my end” he says this confindently, not expecting another word for you, as he saunters past you briskly but not before placing a kiss to your check and a rough smack to the ass. 

Ransom.

–––––

And god did he take this seriously. Making sure you were up this entire time as he achieved his new level of domesticity. 

And you did, sitting up against the headboard as you watched him sit shirtless across the sized room. 

He sits in the barrel chair. the stuffed animal in his lap, a spool of light pink thread to match the bunny in between his legs, and a packet of needles in his hand. 

“Babe you have to––”

He holds up a hand, stopping you from saying whatever you were about to say.

“I got this babe” he tells you, looking at you wearily as he pulls up a video (‘how to sew stuffed bunny animal together’) on his phone. 

You watch him watch the video,switching the show you were watching to make it seem as if you weren’t watching him too carefully. 

He squints, focused as he listens to the lady in the video.

“You look so cute”

“Thanks” he grumbles, placing a thimble on his pointer finger. 

He was like a cute grandmother. His eyebrows brought together and tongue poking through his cheek, which you teased him endlessly about. There was just something about watching a brawly, grumpy man like him knit. So you pulled your phone out wanting to take a quick picture. 

“Put. it. down.” he tells you, not even looking away from his task.

“Wha–– You’re really creepy, you know that. Smile” you demand of him. “It’d be so cute for the album”

He of course doesn’t smile instead raising the stuffed animal to cover his face from the camera, but you were quick enough to get something before that. Smiling fondly at the adorable photo of his concentrated face. Once you had your fill of serotonin, you closed the device and reached over to set it on your nightstand. 

“You gonna give me a kiss goodnight before you go?” he asks you stoically, head still looking down at his task. 

“Yes Ransom. Just give me a minute’ you respond, shimmying yourself from the soft sheets. You make your way besides Ransom–– naturally he wraps one arm around your waist to bring you–– leaning down and placing a kiss to his cheek (which he smiles at) then his lips. He pulls back first only to return again for a deeper one. Sending you off, finally, with a pinch to your ass. 

“Goodnight, Baby” you tell him over your shoulder on your way back to the bed. 

“Night y/n/n.”

–––––

“y/n” is whispered in your ear and the shaking of your shoulder is what causes you to wake up. You turn your head over your shoulder to see Ransom standing over you gleefully. 

“Ransom?” you rasp, turning your whole body over to face him, looking at the clock on your night stand. “It’s two in the morning!”

“Thanks captain obvious” he mutters, rolling his eyes. Yet, he lifts up the stuffed animal. Both hands on either paws, holding it up to show you. “I finished!”

You instantly noticed the band-aid wrapped around his thumb and the brightest smile on his face. Through it you could see how proud of himself he really was. He really was getting a hand of this dad thing he was still figuring it out. 

Ransom, however, could only think about how tired he was and how strained his eyes felt––probably rimmed red. With the amount of times he had to rewatch the video because he missed or didn’t understand a step. But, for his little girl it was definitely worth it. 

“Well, look at you. You did so good bub” you extend your arm up lazily to then loop it around his neck, bringing him down for a kiss. 

If only his conceited friends could see him now. Thinking about how Danver, one of the many friends he had dropped, would berate him passively. Calling it a women’s role most likely. 

“Thank you” he settles one more kiss, “Let’s go”

“Go where?” you chuckle

“Leste’s room...where else? She’ll need him to sleep the rest of the night comfortably” he explains, removing your arm from his neck. To gently tug your hand.

“You sure?” you ask hesitantly.

“Hundred percent, let’s go”

––––

You open the door slowly, the creaking sound it emitted making you cringe. And when you’re hushed by Ransom, you twist around instantly sending him a stink eye.

And you both stand against the side of her bed, you crouch down. Raising your hand to her shoulder. 

“Lesty” you whisper, your thumb running circles over her shoulder. 

She wakes up slowly, as always. The clear indication that she is awake being when she raises her hand to rub at her eyes.

“Mommy? She stops and gasps, “Are we going to Disney?” asking the question with glee, she sits up, her hands placed over her book patterned pajama pants.

You and Ransom share a short laugh. Remembering how you surprised her just like this months ago. The frown that overtakes her face makes you both want to laugh. 

“I’m going back to sleep” she tells you both, already reaching for her blanket. 

“Wait” you laugh, holding her hand. “There's a surprise for you” 

At your announcement, Ransom steps up holding out the sewed up stuffy. Her tiny hands covered the gasp she let out, muffling it.

“She’s fixed!” she’s astonished, running her fingers  along the stitches. 

Celeste felt like a jumping bean with all this happiness filling her body and she wasn’t sure how to express how happy she felt. So, she jumped onto her mother, arms latched onto her neck. Kissing her cheek incessantly.

“Thank you thank you thank you-”

“Actually––” you start.

“Woah! Woah! Woah!” ever the dramatic, “Momma didn’t do this. I did babe” he tells her, a gobsmacked, playful expression on his face. 

Ransom’s replica quickly unlatched herself from y/n, rocketing herself into his arms. He held onto her tightly. Falling in love with the toothy smile–– albeit it was missing a front one–– she gave him. He was rolling around in her appreciation towards his gesture. This was all he wanted. To be a better man for you to marry and be a better father for his daughter.

He brought her into him a little bit, placing a kiss to her forehead. 

“Anything for you Leste” he tells her in a hush. 

You rise slowly from your crouch, knees a bit sore from how long you were down there. Just in awe of the love they both exerted towards each other. Ransom’s hand lightly flying over the back of her head and Her tiny palm coddling his cheek.

“Time for bed?” you ask the two of them, your hand naturally going to Ransom and Celeste’s shoulder.

“Yeah. I’m tired” she tells you, dragging out the h. Setting her cheek to her dad’s muscled shoulder. Nuzzling her cheek against it lazily. 

“Yeah? Well let’s put you in bed first” Ransom responds. 

You walk behind the two, as Ransom sets her down gently on her bed.

He sets a kiss to her cheek then he pulls back, watching the way her arms tighten around the stuffed animal. 

“You love it?” he asks, a proud smile etched on his face. 

“Yes” she whispers, “Thank you, daddy” her palm caressing the top of it’s head. 

“Anything for you Leste” he reaffirmed. He needed her to know that he’d do anything. Anything. To keep a smile that bright on her precious face. He didn’t want her to doubt if he ever loved her or if she could ever come to him about anything. He especially didn’t want her to think that she’d be second to his work. 

He loved her too much and decided, right when you told him the news, he’d learn from his parents’ mistakes and trauma he had to deal with. 

“Goodnight, honey”

He gets up from his spot watching you lean over placing a kiss to her cheek, tugging the crocheted blanket to Celeste’s chin. 

“Night baby” you tell her sweetly.  

“Night” she replies to the both of you before snuggling into the duck more. 

––––

RIght when you shut the door, you expect to face Ransom’s back walking towards your bedroom. But try not to scream, startled, when your head meets with his chest.

You look up, probably not the smartest thing to do. “You ready for bed?” you ask nervously, each hand landing on his broad shoulders. 

With the way he was looking at you, you would assume you were the last stash of biscoff cookies he always keeps fully stored in the house. Especially, with the other Drysdale in the house, the cookies went by faster when they used to.

“Don’t think so..We made a bet. Remember?” he smiles

“RIght now?!” you hiss lowly. He must have lost his mind. “You woke me up at like three in the morning”

“It was actually two” you whack his arm at his smart mouth, of course he doesn’t react.  “Anyway. A bets a bet. Let’s go baby” he crouches down, lifting you up swiftly into a bride-groom like position.

“Ransom!” you whisper, taken by surprise. 

“A quickie and then we’ll drop her off at your parents tomorrow to get to the real stuff tomorrow” he asserts.

With that, he picks up his speed. Taking you both down the hallway. Once he’s arrived at his destination–– the bedroom–– he throws you on the bed. Laughing to himself with how stricken you look. You should be used to this by now, he tells himself. 

“Ransom!” is the last of his name he hears with a tone of scolding mixed with shock, before he gets to work. When he climbs on top of you quickly––like a lion to prey––biting your neck. 

-

if you enjoyed pls don’t forget to reblog or give feedback if ur up to it <3

[franniebanana]

CQL Rewatch - Ep 21

Note: I will be critical of Jiang Cheng in these posts. If you can’t handle that, please feel free to scroll on.

I really like this hug. I mean, if you've been reading these from the beginning, you know how much I love wangxian, but I'm really glad that Wei Ying's first actual hug after returning from the Burial Mounds is with Jiang Yanli. I'm not counting the hug with Jiang Cheng, because Wei Ying didn't hug him back. That hug was thrust upon him and he did not reciprocate. This reunion is very sweet, and tear-filled, and if I hadn't been up since 3 am, I might be feeling enough to shed a tear, myself. That being said, it's hilarious how they keep showing Jiang Cheng in the middle, looking awkward as he tries to balance joy and sadness. I get what the director had in mind, but it just looks weird lol.

But this part is also super sad, because Wei Ying again makes a promise he can't keep: that the three of them will be together forever. Now, I realize that if you hadn't read the novel or weren't familiar with the story, you should already know from the first two episodes that things do not turn out well for the three of them. However, if you're like me and have the memory of a goldfish, you probably didn't realize who everyone was in the first two episodes and even if you did, you've already forgotten long ago that Jiang Cheng was pissy and angry around Wei Wuxian and that Wei Wuxian's inner monologue reveals to us that JIang Yanli is dead. All that being said, his line about staying together forever hits a lot differently when you're very aware of how the story turns out, because Jiang Yanli dies, Jiang Cheng grows to hate Wei Wuxian more and more every day, and Wei Wuxian, of course, defects to save the Wens from slaughter. I think "let's stay together forever" is something you say and mean, but something that you know can't ever truly be. I think Jiang Yanli is old and wise enough to know that she will eventually marry and leave Lotus Pier, even though she will resist it for a while. The rest is uncertain, but I think at this point, Wei Wuxian really does believe and want to stay with the Yunmeng siblings and to stay at Jiang Cheng's side as he leads the Yunmeng Jiang Sect.

I will never not be heartbroken by this scene--even knowing how everything turns out--by how Lan Wangji looks at Wei Wuxian, how if things had been different in Yiling, he would have gone into that room and greeted him, how Wei Wuxian would have smiled at him and beckoned him inside, how they would have sat and Wei Wuxian would have talked Lan Wangji's ear off, like old friends. It's just so upsetting to me, and I can't ever shake that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know what happens, but these two episodes, until they reconcile, really get to me. It's a horrible feeling when you want to help someone, but they don't see it as helping, and they only get upset with you. I deal with that on an almost daily basis, and I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. I really identify with Lan Wangji here, and I think that's why I get such a visceral reaction to seeing him like this.

I don't know if I've said this, but Lan Wangji is my favorite character in CQL and in every adaptation of this story. He is kind of my perfect character--he checks off all the boxes: one-sided love, pining, standing by the main character no matter what, practically abandoning his own family for the person he loves. I love that he has an almost child-like innocence, but he's still very wise; he's smart; he's strong; he has a strict moral code and he sticks to it without fail, even if it means going against his friends and family; he's a loner, but he loves deeply. When I first started watching the donghua and reading the novel, I liked Wei Wuxian the best, and he's still my second favorite character, but Lan Wangji has stolen my heart.

Of course, Wei Wuxian goes to this awkward dinner party, after spending three months around ghosts (and then killing a shit-ton of Wen soldiers), and all he can think about is that empty seat behind him, the one where Lan Wangji should be sitting. It's interesting how the Yunmeng siblings each react: Jiang Yanli starts to become concerned and commits it to memory. She's probably wondering why Lan Wangji isn't there, and then seeing how Wei Wuxian wistfully stares at the empty seat, she finds it even more unsettling. Jiang Cheng just seems embarrassed by Wei Wuxian here and his motivation is to get Wei Wuxian back on track so he doesn't make fools of the Yunmeng Jiang Sect in front of the other leaders. He obviously knows what happened between Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji, and I don't think he's bothered by it at all. He doesn't seem to care whether they're friends or not, and I'd say that even at this point, he'd prefer if Lan Wangji stayed out of Wei Wuxian's life altogether. He knows how close they were, and I think he also knows that Wei Wuxian would choose Lan Wangji over him if given that ultimatum. With Lan Wangji out of the picture, Jiang Cheng gets to maintain more control over Wei Wuxian than he otherwise would. Even later on at Lotus Pier, he wants Wei Wuxian around, helping him, being his right-hand man. He doesn't want him wandering around the city or galavanting off with other cultivators. Granted Wei Wuxian was drinking at the time, but I don't think that invalidates my point that Jiang Cheng wants Wei Wuxian to stay in line and stay at his side where he can control him. You know, because he sees the relationship (as Wei Wuxian suggested) as the same as their two fathers: where Wei Wuxian is in a subservient role to Jiang Cheng. Mind you, that's different from seeing him as a brother, and I think, while there's some of that mixed into his other feelings, it's a very small portion.

No screenshot, but the following scene, after Wei Wuxian leaves the dinner party, Jiang Cheng follows him out. And even here, he asks what's wrong--asks if he's upset because of Lan Wangji--but then scoffs at how that could really be what's bothering him. He says something like, "Why did you come here just to be disliked by him?" I think while he gets that they have a close bond, he doesn't really understand the depth of the relationship. He's jealous of Lan Wangji, but doesn't fully understand why. Ultimately, I think Jiang Cheng, because of his parents and the way he was raised, really doesn't understand what it's like to have a good relationship with anyone. And this ignorance isn't his fault--he's a product of his parents and surroundings, and no one, including himself, has ever tried to fix this. So, without being able to really understand how relationships work, he scoffs at how Wei Wuxian could still be upset over what happened with Lan Wangji. Jiang Cheng essentially gave Wei Wuxian what he wanted in that moment, which was unconditional support to carry out his revenge, and yet Wei Wuxian is hung up on Lan Wangji not being supportive there, and in fact being in opposition to him. Jiang Cheng doesn't even really have friends, so he thinks Wei Wuxian should just get over Lan Wangji and move on with his life, but it's not that simple. Lan Wangji isn't just an acquaintance, he's not just someone that Wei Wuxian partnered up with to fight a battle or carry out a mission--he's a soulmate, a kindred spirit (if you want to go down a less romantic route).

I rarely can say anything bad about Jiang Yanli (except how she's almost always making soup), and here's another example: Chenqing. She's so far the only one who supports Wei Wuxian having a first class spiritual tool. She immediately shows interest in the flute, even encourages him to give it a name. Lan Wangji immediately sees the flute as something bad, while she's completely supportive. And this is really what Wei Wuxian needs right now, and I love her for being there. She's also about the only person he will genuinely smile around. He gives everyone else forced or fake smiles, but not Yanli. At this moment, I think he only wants to be with her, and I can't really blame him when everyone else is either opposing him or just wanting something out of him. She really is coming from a place of sympathy and comfort that's different from how the others are handling things. Lan Wangji wants to help, yes, but he tries to force it.

Imagine being in this room, listening to Jin Zixun (I'm not even sure if that's his name lol) trash talk Wei Wuxian, wanting to say something in his defense, but being unable to, not just because it's not your place to do so, but also because you're not even sure if you can defend him anymore. I think Jiang Cheng is struggling with the same. He stands up to Jin Zixun, finally getting him to shut up by saying that it's a domestic affair for the Jiang Clan and none of his fucking business, but Jiang Cheng also struggles to find excuses for Wei Wuxian. And that would certainly be difficult, because Wei Wuxian is somewhat like a stranger now. He's similar, but he's not the same Wei Wuxian that Jiang Cheng grew up with. He's really a shadow of his former self. But Lan Wangji has the added bonus of not being able to speak on his behalf because he's not even in the same clan--who is he to defend Wei Wuxian? He can't even stand with the others at the table (can't or won't, I'm not sure), so he certainly can't speak to Wei Wuxian's honor in front of all the other leaders. I'm sure the conversation back in Yiling is still running through his mind: this is a Jiang Clan affair--and to have that repeated again to someone else. That very much puts Lan Wangji in the "other" position. He's not in Wei Wuxian's clan, therefore, it's none of his business. He should care about him. He shouldn't try to protect him. He shouldn't try to guide him. But the problem is he still cares deeply about Wei Wuxian, and he wants to help him and protect him and guide him.

These scenes are always hard to watch for me (thank god for the special edition cut). It's really hard to watch the clans doing to the Wens what the Wens have done to the other clans. As if war wasn't already terrible enough, you also have what happens to the prisoners of war. In this case, Wen Qing's sect are all healers and have little to do with the war that the rest of the Wen Clan was waging on the other cultivation clans. However, they are still treated as enemies and imprisoned. It's difficult to watch the other clans, who you want to root for, making the same mistakes and transgressions as the Wens, who we are supposed to look at as the proper enemies in the story.

As we've seen a few times in this episode already, Wei Wuxian is having trouble controlling all the negative energy that's surging through him and the Yin iron, and on some of those occasions, he's touched his old wound. As he does this here, everyone looks at him, but he just looks at Lan Wangji. This is the person he cares most about in this room, the person whose heart his closest to his. I have nothing profound to say--I just like it.

And of course Lan Wangji looks right back at him. He knows Wei Wuxian best, even better than his own "brother", Jiang Cheng. He knows what happened in Xuanwu Cave, he saw the effect the sword had on him. I feel like each time they exchange glances, they are both crying out to each other, but Wei Wuxian is too stubborn to ask for help and Lan Wangji doesn't want to force the issue and strain their relationship further.

The way Lan Wangji hesitates here before saying, "I don't know," kills me. To him, it's just further proof of how Wei Wuxian is getting farther and farther from him, how the chasm between them just keeps growing. He's upset here. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to force Wei Wuxian to do anything--that's against his clan rules, but more importantly, against his own ethics--yet he doesn't want to stand by and do nothing while his friend destroys himself. I think we see Lan Wangji as a character who always knows what to do, someone who always knows the right path, but here we see how that's not true at all. This is a man who is very smart, very clever, but who is also unsure of himself. He's struggling with what's right and wrong. And he consults his brother here, hoping to get a clear answer, so that he'll know what to do next, but he gets nothing of the sort.

It would have been easier for Lan Wangji if his brother has simply said, "Wei Wuxian is wrong and an enemy," but of course he's more wise than that. Nothing is black and whit, and humans cannot be judged for what's on the surface. You have to look deep inside a person, know their intentions, and then you can judge if they are doing what's right or wrong. The problem is Lan Wangji doesn't know Wei Wuxian's intentions. Months ago, he know Wei Wuxian wanted to defend the weak, protect people who couldn't protect themselves, and live by such a just moral code. But now Wei Wuxian seems like a stranger, has murdered many, many people, and has taken cruel revenge upon Wen Chao and Wang Lingjao.

What I've noticed in this episode is that Wei Wuxian will look at Lan Wangji, but he always averts his eyes fairly quickly. It's as if he's afraid if they make eye contact for too long, he'll be letting Lan Wangji in, which he does not want to do under any circumstances. Letting Lan Wangji in means admitting what's going on as well as opening up Lan Wangji to danger. Wei Wuxian does not want anyone else getting hurt or dying because of him, so it's better to reject everyone and focus on his own clan.

Honey, I'd walk away too. It's hard to tell if Lan Wangji is about to cry or about to punch Wei Wuxian in the mouth--either one would have been excellent, but I'm leaning towards the latter. Lan Wangji had to answer Jiang Yanli. She met him by chance, but it was she who initiated the conversation. Of course, angst rules being what they are, we had to have a misunderstanding a la Wei Wuxian walking into the conversation midway and making the asinine assumption that Lan Wangji was just breaking his confidence by telling her EVERYTHING. Of course, anyone who knows Lan Wangji knows he'd never do such a thing. But when Wei Wuxian's shijie comes to him, voicing her concern and asking about him, he has no choice but to empathize with her and tell her what he knows.

I really like this little exchange. Reliving the fight on the rooftop, before they were acquainted, before they were friends--before Lan Wangji fell for him. This time when he attacks, it's not about malice, it's not about breaking the rules and bringing liquor into the Cloud Recesses--it's a man, looking at the one he loves, scared out of his mind, worried that that man is going to destroy his mind and body, using a taboo cultivation method. This fight is a love letter, as far as I'm concerned. It's an act of desperation.

Also I fucking love that around four or five people have asked Wei Wuxian where Suibian is, and each time he makes up a lie: he forgot it, he isn't in the mood, he didn't bother to bring it. But when Lan Wangji asks him, he doesn't respond. He doesn't lie, he doesn't laugh it off--whatever he does, Lan Wangji will know that he's lying, and Wei Wuxian knows that.

Other episodes: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | Or just check out the #CQL Rewatch hashtag

[aliciaofchitaqua]

intro post

-aka tumblr user @crowmunculus

-fan from 2012-2014, quit in s9 (JUSTICE 4 KEVIN), dragged back in by canon destiel Nov 5 2020 and watched the last two episodes live unfortunately

-nb butch dyke heller with terminal dean-liker disease. deancoded deangirl sun, cascoded casgirl moon

-down to agincourt fixed everything in me that spn broke, please read it

-expect mostly reblogs for now with the occasional tag ramble, because despite thoroughly spoiling myself for everything it's still been a long time since I watched much of the series and I need to rewatch and catch up on everything I missed (like...half the series RIP) before I formulate more original Thoughts

-trying to make more dta posts though because I have Many Informed Thoughts about dta, I'm just allergic to letting people know I exist so bear with me as I slowly emerge from my snail shell of solitude

-I like all of the main characters and I'm just here to have fun. I am cutting canon into little pieces and making neat little collages out of it. if I reblog contradictory posts it's because I am rotating the story in my brain like a cheap snowglobe and appreciating how it looks differently tacky at different angles

-I love spn earnestly and unironically but it also really pisses me off a lot of the time. I contain multitudes

-my primary media special interest is No. 6, a series with a drastically smaller fandom where everyone (everyone!) ships the same canon pair. spn fandom intimidates the shit out of me and I'm shy and awkward but I would still like to make friends 🥺

-the original purpose of this blog was so I could re-find posts I like or otherwise want to find again. ignore that I never fucking tag anything consistently, I'm mostly on mobile and it's faster and I'm lazy. may eventually retroactively tag for at least some things because tumblr search sucks

-at any given point I have a backlog of a couple hundred reblog tabs open because I just live like this, so if I reblog something you posted like a year ago, or do a reblog spree about a clusterfuck from months earlier, that's why

-I'm an adult with a job and bills and I refuse to waste my one wild and precious life arguing about cw shows on the internet

[cybernaght]

Guardian rewatch: Episode 3

First of all, wow. When I decided to post those online, I was expecting that they would be read by two people, both of whom I personally know. It was in equal part surprising and terrifying that so many of you ventured here. Thank you for reading, I really appreciate it. 

Episode 3 is probably my favourite case. It’s not perfectly strung together, there is little actual investigative work in it, but it’s a beautiful story of boundless love and devotion, which echoes through the relationship between our protagonists

Professor Shen is looking at some materials that are looking suspiciously like research into something supernatural, when Zhang Ruonan makes an appearance at his office, claiming that she is absolutely fine, while clearly being very far away from fine. This is something Shen Wei can certainly relate to, because he is the king of hiding his ailments from others. 

Zhu Hong’s one-sided affection for Zhao Yunlan starts to show already in this episode:  while he has the cold, she nags him to take care of himself, shoves tissues into his hands, and presses him to drink his meds. It’s easy to imagine even this early on that she will be the woman drunk dialling him one day. 

I know this could be seen as straightbaiting, but I honestly thing that the actual purpose it serves in the show is the opposite; I’ll talk more about it when we get there.

Zhao Yunlan spends a lot of this episode in Shen Wei’s office, starting with this scene, in which is obviously flexing. Not only does he sneeze all over the office, he goes to eat Shen Wei’s cake after specifically being told not to eat it.  He also takes his opportunity to mix questioning with flirting, as is his usual way. He keeps eye contact while spooning cake into his mouth, as he explains, jovially, that another mysterious death on his campus cannot possibly be a coincidence. And, to be fair, he is not really wrong. We are meant to believe that this is all set in motion by Zhu Jiu, aka the least scary villain in the history of villainy, and an owner of your staple baby goth wig. I will not mention him again until the plot makes it impossible for me not to do so. 

Zhang Ruonan comes in, and Zhao Yunlan introduces himself as Shen Wei’s good friend. Which is half-way between a flex and an act of kindness. On one hand, he could have said he was from the police - which would be absolutely true - and risk tarnishing the professor’s good name. On the other hand, he could probably look less pleased with himself. Shen Wei, at the very least, looks neither grateful, nor amused. 

Zhao Yunlan asks her if she new the victim and she looks incredibly shifty as she flees. He is right to think that something is up, and he correctly assumes trauma, rather than guilt. We can now start to see that he is very very good at reading people. It must be equal parts thrilling and disconcerting for him to have met something who he decisively cannot read. Shen Wei vouches for the woman, partly, surely, because his Hei Pao Shi sense is tingling, letting him know that someone is eavesdropping. 

Despite feeling uneasy, Shen Wei still offers Guo Changcheng, who is left to collect various paperwork from his desk, a little smile. He has a reason to like Xiao Guo, of course: he was the one to see the young man’s kindness and understanding, and he is already growing protective of him, way before he will start seeing members of the special unit as his people. This reminds me of how many months later, he will subtly, but decisively stop a barrage of verbal abuse against Xiao Guo by dropping a pair of chopsticks. 

Zhao Yunlan is taking Xiao Guo with him on the case rather than anyone else, partly, supposedly, because of Guo Changcheng’s familial connections. The young man looks more sure of himself, asking correct questions, dutifully records answers. He also tries to look after his Chief by asking him to go home and rest. He does phrase it badly, but Zhao Yunlan has a thing against his own health and well-being, so he reacts extra poorly.

Soon after, Zhao Yunlan’s at Shen Wei’s office yet again, as Shen Wei tries his best to ignore him, in the hope that he… well, maybe not goes away, but does not ask him anything that will require him lying. Instead, Zhao Yunlan is asking Shen Wei why he is bad at reading people, which is a very strange thing to ask. Shen Wei answers his question with a question, “Will seeing through people really lessen the hurt and disappointment?” Adding, “Many tragedies were destined from the beginning”. He looks well.. like this as he says it. 

This is loaded. On first glance, it’s a pretty good set-up to the way this story will unfold, as a tragedy of two individuals who let their devotion to each other nearly ruin each other’s life. A fragile human and a dangerous powered Undergroundian: what else is that, but a tragedy, waiting to happen? But this story - this one right in front of us - will not end tragically, at least not for the two people it enters around. It could do so, but it will not. Maybe, this truly is the first hint that this entire narrative, so carefully set up from the very first time Zhao Yunlan and Shen Wei meet, is destined to be a tragedy. Moreover, that it must be one, for some cosmic reason. 

(… I apologise while I go have a little cry in the corner. Damn you, Guardian, why do you make me hurt so much?)

Da Qing inexplicably morphs from black cat to a human in white t-shirt while doing night shadowing, and promptly falls asleep on patrol. Why is he being sent to stake anyone out? He is least suitable for it.  He is literally a cat. He sleeps 16 hours a day. 

Surprisingly, when pressed, Zhang Ruonan comes clean very easily, revealing that she was a victim of the three students she failed (two of which are already dead and one one standing right next to them), who lured her out at night, which left her vulnerable to be attacked. Zhao Yunlan listens to this story, and instead of… oh I don’t know, perhaps asking her the identity of the third student, leaves to go find that out for himself. It is heavily implied that he does it on purpose, which is definitely not okay.  

Moreover, he goes and... asks Shen Wei. This makes me suspect that he’s not really thinking with his head at this point. As he does so, he is brandishing a letter opener. 

Shen Wei is looking even less impressed with him than he did during their last few conversations. 

Zhao Yunlan is a little bit flippant when it comes to students’ lives this episode. And yes, they have done something really quite horrible to another human being, but that's not a very good excuse to let the last of them just die. As it happens, the situation Yunlan created - perhaps on purpose - did lure out Zhao Ruonan’s murder girlfriend, but it also cost a student his life. Which is far from ideal, but is somehow never even mentioned. Instead of being aghast, he sits on the table as he goes into full interrogation mode. (As he will continue to do a lot. Sometimes he crouches on tables instead. There is no further point here, apart from: I like this character quirk. It’s a nice character quirk.)

He brings some of his team in at this point, and asks Zhu Hong to continue interrogation. It would be a nice gesture is he did not interject two questions in. 

“How do you regard your relationship with Wang Yike?”

“We are family.”

They are definitely, decisively not going for sisterly bond here. Which is kind of incredible. This is one of the moments the amorphous being that show is looks at the censors, wiggles its battered low budget eyebrows at them, and then proceeds to flip them off. Well done, Guardian. 

Wang Yike calls Zhang Ruonan, saying there is one more victim she needs to take care of, and Lin Jing traces the call back to campus. Zhao Yunlan, who did not even bat an eyelid at a dead student earlier, now looks decisively worried  

“Oh no. Professor Shen.” 

The only reason Shen Wei is attacked is jealousy. Wang Yike does not know this of course, but trying to kill him is a bad move, because a) he has long ago given his heart away, and is definitely not interested; b) this is probably the only thing she could do to make the man on the case very very upset; c) Shen Wei’s immune to her powers. 

“Someone like you will never understand what she means to me!” Wang Yike shouts eventually. “As long as I can protect her, my life has worth!” And, even as Wang Yike has no way of knowing it, these are the words that ultimately save both her and her loved one. Because Shen Wei does in fact understand what Zhang Ruonan means to her. His own endless and ultimately self-destructive devotion is his main driving force.

Shen Wei pretends to be hurt, again, which earns him a half-hug from the object of his devotion. If Zhao Yunlan does notice that Shen Wei should really come out of this attack grey haired and dead, and not just mildly inconvenienced, he chooses not to say anything. 

Worried about her murder girlfriend, Zhang Ruonan rushes in and accidentally touches her. Zhao Yunlan Freaks The Hell Out. Shen Wei does, too, but in his own, reserved, way. They are both emotionally invested in those two people, although for very different reasons: Shen Wei is acutely feeling resonance of his own past in their story, and Zhao Yunlan, I think, wants to fix it, he wants to be able to make it better. Instead, Shen Wei fixes it for him, turning the tide on this tragedy, and giving it a happy ending. He heals Zhang Ruonan right in front of the officers of SID, albeit with much subtlety. (“Have someone saved her right under our noses?” Zhu Hong will snort the very same evening, and she will be 100% correct.)

Shen Wei also lets Wang Yike go despite the undeniable fact that she did kill three people. Here, he is looking at the picture of this human/Undergroundian couple, surviving despite all odds, and touches his only reminder that Kunlun really was in his life. 

He then burns the picture as the only evidence that Wang Yike was not punished by him for her crimes. 

In the end, Guo Chengcheng is making first of his many diary notes about the events, recounting a conversation between Shen Wei and Zhao Yunlan we had not witnessed, in which Shen Wei mentioned a relationship based on devotion that can last a thousand years, and Zhao Yunlan called such a relationship “guarding”. Finally, Guo Changcheng hopes that he can become a guardian of all. 

And this is making me think that this absolutely should be a set-up for him becoming a wick of the guardian lantern, as per every single other decision that was made prior to the last two episodes. Right? This is a perfect foreshadowing, and mentioning it here, so early in the show would not make any sense if it were a deliberate subversion. So, was Guo Changcheng meant to become the wick after all before... what, some rewrites happened? What made the final episode be what it was in the end?

(This is a genuine question by that way, if anyone has any insight on the matter.)

The episode would end here, if this was a western show, with a familiar monster of the week structure, but it does not. At least, the way it ends is reminiscent of a cliffhanger, with Zhao Yunlan catching Shen Wei in a middle of a crime scene, and looking betrayed. 

Next episode: Lynchian Nightmare, aka people without faces. 

PS.

I did not have a seamless way to stick this in anywhere but... Shen Wei’s technological ineptness at the max: he does not know how to use a Polaroid camera. Help him, he is so lost.

——

Second point of housekeeping to say a few things: 

I don’t think I will be consistent with certain things being transliterated versus translated. I am more likely to use Hei Pao Shi rather than Black Cloak Envoy (because the later reminds me of Tuxedo Mask, which makes me inwardly giggle every time) but at the same time I am also more likely to use Underground/Undergroundian rather than Dixing/Dixingren. I am more likely to use Xiao rather than Little, but have called Chu Old rather than Lao before. I hope that’s not grating, but do tell me if it is

My recaps are Shen Wei-heavy. I have no real explanation for this, apart from.. I like Shen Wei. 

I realise that there will definitely be things here that are head canon and speculation rather than flat observations; this show is a work of fiction and a work of art, which cannot be interpreted objectively. If you have alternate takes on anything I write in the future, let me know! 

[ajbwasntwriting]

Getting Adopted By The Survivors

Author’s Note: I’ve been rewatching the walking dead for the god knows how many times since lockdown began. I had this idea rollling around my head for a while so I wrote it down for ya’ll. How you enjoy. If this gets to 50 notes I’ll do a part 2

Grimes Family(Rick, Lori, Carl)

You were thirteen and found by Rick first

You were walking down the road, having been separated from your group by a herd just a couple days ago. He approached you on horseback, saying he was headed towards the city.

You told him not to go to the city and that it was dangerous but he wouldn’t listen and went anyway.

That evening he spotted you from the car, driving back to the camp. He got T-dog to pull over and pick you up. He brought you back to the camp where you met his family.

“I tried to warn you.” you told him. “Yeah, you did.” he chuckled and promised to help you find your group.

You left the atlanta camp with them, having nowhere else to go. You tried to keep Carl entertained when everyone was out looking for Sofia.

When Carl got shot you got upset. You tried to help around the farm or camp but everything you did just got you in more trouble. You eventually broke down, telling Lori you were sorry and you just wanted to help

Lori loving you as if you were her own. Insisting you share a tent with the grimes from day one.

Shane was especially sweet towards you from the beginning but you didn’t entertain him. You had more important things to do like help with the cooking and cleaning and babysitting Carl so that the adults could get work done.

 You calling Rick “Ricky boy.” and Carl “Twerp” when he gets on your nerves. Lori calling you “sweetpea” and Carl calling you “Stinker” when you get on his nerves.

Dale

You were fifteen and Dale’s neighbour before all this. It was just you, your dad, and the family dog. When the shit started to fly Dale offered you all a place in his RV

Later on your father got bit while looking for the family dog who got away. Dale mercifully put your dad down so you didn’t have to.

You bringing Amy and Andrea back to Dale and the four of you creating your own little family unit.

Dale would show you how to fix up the RV when it acted up. You would scavenge cars for parts the could be repurposed since you were faster than Dale.

Dale giving you chores to keep you out of trouble in the camp and refusing to let you do runs into town.

You and Dale taking turns keeping watch on top of the RV.

You always being the one to look after Sofia and Carl when the adults need to go and do stuff. This leads yu into becoming the ultimate babysitter, coming up with games and chores to keep the younger kids out of trouble.

You staying behind with Dale to help look after T-Dog when everyone goes looking for Sofia.

Coming to the farm and Dale and being his little yes man/woman/person. Him calling you “Sport”, “Champ” and “Kiddo.”

When Dale was attacked by the walker you took the gun from Daryl, saying how Dale put your dad down and you should return the favour. Telling Dale your sorry for not protecting him like he had protected you.

Turning cold and inconsolable the days after his death, and only Glen and Andrea really approaching you.

Andrea(Continuation of Dale)

It was after Dale’s death. He had saved you in the begining and you were completely distraught because of it, closing yourself off from the rest of the group, only really moving between the fields and the house.

You kept up your chores around the farm and kept the RV clean. That’s what Dale would want.

You and Andrea talking about everything the two of you had gone through and you breaking down in her arms.

Her teaching you how to fire a gun. Dale wouldn’t have approved but you needed to know now.

You trying to make her see that Shane doesn’t truely care for her the same way she cared for him. She doesn’t want to see it so you don’t push.

You and her being together when the barn burns down, later meeting Michone. You beg Michone to help Andrea.

The three of you surviving the winter together, later being taken to Woodbury.

You and Andrea trying to get Michone to see that Woodbury is a good place.

You supporting Andrea in everything but her just wanting you to be a kid again.

Her calling you “Sport”, “Champ”, and “Kiddo”, like Dale used to.

Green Family(Hershal, Maggie, Beth)

You were 8 years old and Otis and Patricia’s kid. You had been living with the Green family for a while, trying to survive together quite well Hershal let you ride the horses and Maggie had you feeding the chickens. It was boring being the only kid there though.

The first time you seen a kid was when a man in a sherif uniform came in carrying a boy in his arms, saying he was shot. Hershal looked after him right away while you looked from the top of the stairs.

You give your favourite teddy bear to the mother of the shot boy, telling her that the soft toy makes you feel better when you're sick so hopefully it’ll make him feel better too.

You not liking Shane because your dad had come back every time he went out except for when he went out with Shane.

Lori picking you up and carrying you off the farm when it got taken over by walkers.

Beth and Maggie taking care of you during the 7 months on the road through the winter, singing you to sleep and telling you stories.

Herschel letting you sit in when he’s teaching Carol some basic medicine.

You and Carl didn’t get along that much cause he wanted to help the adults, not play with a little kid like you

Beth and you singing to baby judith in the Prison, always helping her take care of her when you weren’t taken up with chores and other business.

You being Hershal’s little medical assisstant, learning lots of valuable medical information and becoming a great help despite being so young

You eventually calling Hershal “Pops” after a while. Hershal calling you “Little Doc” and “trouble maker”. Beth and Maggie calling you “butthead” to get a rise out of you.

Dixon Family (Merle and Daryl)

You were ten and very good and moving through the crowds. You were too short and fast for a lot of the walkers to get a hold on you and your dad used that, making you go out to find food and supplies most of the time while he stayed holed up in your Atlanta apartment

You heard a man yell and you went to see what was going on. You found a man handcuffed to the roof with walkers trying to push the door down to get to him. He asked you to hand him the saw and you helped.

You brought Merle back to your Atlanta apartment, which your dad didn’t like so he beat you. It continued for a couple days where you’d go out and your dad would beat you for bringing back to little. One day Merle had enough and beat the shit out of your dad. The following morning your dad was gone.

You calling Merle “Mr. Merle.” and Merle calling you “kid.”

You believe everything Merle says because he swears he would never lie to you. He also teaches you how to track game in the woods. He also taught how to curse which made him laugh like crazy everytime you did.

You two getting picked up and going to Woodbury. You preferring to spend all your time with Merle instead of the other kids cause you think they’re stupid and weak and they bullied you cause you told them they were stupid and weak.

Merle and you spending all your free time at Woodbury’s library. Him reading to you. Him not minding you spending all your time with him since you reminded him so much of little Daryl. The two of you making a plan on how to escape Woodbury if it came to it.

The night the governor put Merle and his brother against each other you screamed at them to stop and cried, being held back by a woman. You cursed out the governor. When the smoke rose you grabbed a pistol off of one of the men and ran after Merle.

Staying with Merle and “Mr. Merle’s Brother” after Rick refuses to let Merle back. “You should go back with them, kid.” Merle would try to tell you. “I wanna stay with you, Mr Merle. Not that dickhead!”

Daryl became fond of you during the little time spent with just the three of you, especially how you had no fear of walkers and had no trouble letting himself and Merle know what you were thinking.

When you end up back at the prison you insist on staying outside the cell block with Merle. A woman named Carol came up to you “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather sleep in here on a proper bed?” she asked. “I ain’t repeating myself to you dumb bitch!”. The prison gang informally refers to you as Merle Jr., regardless of gender.

Williams Family (Sasha and Tyreese)

You were 9. Your parents had been part of the group but didn’t make it. Since then Tyreese and Sasha took care of you the most. They would give up their food so you could eat and Tyreese would carrying you when you got too tired to walk.

They would call you “Buddy” and “Boo”. You calling Tyreese “Reeses” because his name reminds you of the candy.

When you arrived in the prison you found yourself enamoured by Carl. He was a kid too and he was able to shoot a gun and kill walkers. You immediately went to Tyreese and begged him to teach you how to use a gun, which he would repeatedly refuse.

You being the only one that could get Sasha to calm down when she gets a little riled up. 

You thought Sasha’s hair was the coolest thing in the world when it wasn’t tied down and just in one big fro. Her letting you braid it and tie it up for her, mainly to keep you busy for a while since your smaller hands needed extra time to handle her curls.

Tyreese’s girlfriend Karen referring to the two of you as ‘Big and small’

You telling them about Lizzie and how she thinks the walkers are people, so they ban you from playing with her. 

You getting stuck with Tyreese and Carol after the prison falls and keeping a distance between yourself and Lizzie, becoming very protective of Judith whenever Tyreese isn’t around.

When Lizzie kills Mika, you throw yourself infront of Judith and yell at her to stay away, this prompts Carol and Tyreese to run to you. Tyreese takes you and Judith inside while Carol handles Lizzie. Tyreese consoles you while you cry, telling him how worried you were she was going to do something to Judith

At terminus when you, Judith, and Tyreese are left in the cabin with Martin. You stab Martin in the neck when he lunges for Judith. When Tyreese asks where you got the knife, you admit to taking it off of Lizzie’s corpse so you could better protect him and Judith.

Chambler Family (Tara, David, Lily, Meghann)

You were 7 and the Chambler’s were your neighbours. You went to school with Meghan so your families came together when the end came. One day your mom went out to gather supplies and never came back.

You and Meghan kept each other busy, playing games with each other, though you were louder than Meghan which made Tara give out to you a lot.

You and Meghan take turns playing backgammon with her grandfather. Later you take turns playing chess with ‘Brian’, and he teaches you two how to play against each other but you both prefer to play against him.

Lily trying her best to be a good mother figure for you, trying to keep some semblance of normalcy for you and Meghan.

When Philip takes you all to the camp you’re initially more recluse, being in another strange new situation. You find yourself clinging to Tara and her new girlfriend during this time, following them around the camp.

Tara calling you “Bubbles” cause you seem to pop up around her out of nowhere.

You being there when Meghan got attacked and running to get Lily. You silently follow her to the battlefield at the prison and watch as ‘Brian’ shoots her. You crawled into the back of one of the cars to try and escape the onslaught of bullets. 

Later you see Tara leaving the prison with an asian man and run after her. She’s shocked to see you there but picks you up and takes her with you, which the man readily agrees to.

Glen pitches that they should teach you how to fire a gun so that you can defend yourself. You get plenty of opportunity on the road and by the time you find Glen’s wife your a crack shot, much to the horror of the other survivors.

You sleeping in Tara’s lap every night because she’s the only family you have left.

The Governor

You were 13 when you met him. You had been on the road on your own since your mom turned. Your aunt had refused to put her sister down and ended up being attacked. You didn’t have it in you to put them down so you left them locked in the shop.

He had been with a group and when he found out you were on your own he offered to take you back to his town. You said you’d go if he put down your mom and aunt. “I’m not strong enough to do it and they don’t deserve to be left like that.”

They agreed and you led them to the store. There they put the two woman down and took the supplies. He didn’t realise how young you actually were until you got upset at the sight of your mother but he already promised to take you back and there was lots of supplies at the shop.

You becoming a Mini Governor to the kids of Woodbury and rallying the ones old enough to join the army. “The governor works hard to keep you safe, it’s about time you helped!”

You being privy to all of the governor’s shady dealings.

You being introduced to Penny. Him referring to her as “Your little sister.” You being initially shocked but later being okay with it. You finding pretty hair pins and taking toys back to the governor for “When Penny gets better.”

You being able to boss around The Governor’s men as much as you want.

Andrea often being asked to keep an eye on you, but you actually being the one to keep an eye on her.

You and The Governor being left for dead then going back to Woodbury, buring it down in temper. You both survive together alone for months until he sees Meghan Chamber. Him telling you to stay put while he checks it out and to leave if he doesn’t come back.

He never comes back and you’re left alone again.

Father Gabriel

You were 14 when you went to the church. Your foster home had been over run and you were in desperate need for some spiritual help. You arrived just as he had returned from one of his walks. He said you could stay as all of god’s children deserved shelter.

You being too afraid to open the doors to let others in incase Gabriel says you can’t remain, so you sit in the back office with your hands over your ears. Every morning you go and pray for forgiveness

You being the one to run into town for supplies because you want to protect Gabriel and keep him alive. 

Being apprehensive when the survivors arrive, only lowering your guard a little when Gabriel explains how he saved him.

You reading the bible and learning to quote the scripture, mainly out of boredom then anything else. You and Gabriel getting into discussions on what each passage actually means.

You learning about Gabriel sneaking out of the church but not telling the other survivors. “If we need to get away from them it’ll be good to have,” you admitted.

You and Gabriel often talking about what the lord thinks of your actions, ultimately not being able to comfort each other much. 

You often defend Gabriel infront of the other survivors, not letting them get away with speaking any kind of ill towards him.

You only really disagree with Gabriel when he sells out the group to Deanna. This leads to you two having a big argument, him defending that Rick’s group are murderers and you defending that they have kept you safe. You ultimately lose your loyalty to him and stick with Rick’s group for a while.

When a herd surrounds Alexandria you reunite with Gabriel. You both beg the other for forgiveness. “You were a father to me when you didn’t need to be and I-” you began, your voice breaking. Gabriel held you close. “What matters is that we are together now, my child.”

Gabriel asking for your help to assist Rick in clearing out the walkers and you jumping to his side. The two of you drawing strength from each other.

[redeemed-wren]

What up lads new Philza Lore dropped

Been thinking about this since it's been revealed that c!Phil is immortal, or at least centuries old. I like analysing things, and my brain has been chugging away analysing c!Phil since this new revelation and I finally found time to sit down and get my thoughts out.

Unless specified, I'll be talking about the character Philza from now on! Let's get into it. Putting a cut in because it gets long. Also most of this is gonna be from memory because it's getting late and I'm not digging through 4+ months of vods!

remind me to never use the new Beta posting layout it gave me a word limit and then yeeted like 800 words i hate it here lets see if i can remember what I wrote

I’ve moved a lot in my life. I think on average about one new city every four years. This has meant a lot of goodbyes, a lot of meeting new people and breaking into new circles. When this new information was revealed, I instantly felt things click - I could relate to Phil suddenly. 

Being centuries-old would create similar emotions, I think. Constantly being around people you know you will outlive, constantly finding yourself in new circles and groups. It takes a toll. 

Being centuries old effects how Phil views relationships, people and countries.

Because I’ve moved a lot, I’ve noticed that I’m starting to get the attitude of ‘I can’t be bothered.’ I can’t be bothered going out of my way to meet new people, to make new friends I’m likely to move away from in a few years. 

I’d imagine Phil would feel much the same way. Making close connections to people is impossible for him, really. He knows he’s going to outlive those around him and so the effort to put into growing relationships seems pointless. 

I think this is most seen in his and Wilbur’s relationship. Wilbur clearly wants his attention - his pride - and clearly hasn’t gotten it to the extent he wants. (“I wonder if Phil would be proud of me” comes to mind. Plus I’m sure there’s something there with his relationship with Fundy and that cycle of bad parenting. And yes, it likely contributed to his spiral into madness, but this post is about Phil, not Wilbur.) But from Phil’s perspective, he knows Wilbur isn’t going to live as long as he is. 

It explains why he’s so quick to kill Wilbur as well. Wilbur is too far gone, and Phil makes the decision to kill him before he does more harm. He’s long ago accepted the fact that his son will die before him, and so he is able to kill him. 

Likewise, his relationship with Tommy reflects this. He doesn’t reach out to Tommy because there’s no point in making a new bond with someone who he will outlive. (especially with Wilbur’s death so fresh). However, he does make it clear that if Tommy reached out to him, he would have answered - more on that later. 

His age also means he’s always looking at the big picture. He’s likely seen countless countries and empires and kingdoms rise and fall and he knows that they’re all temporary. He doesn’t see the importance in them like those who live and die within the lifespan of a nation. 

He doesn’t see the small details. He doesn’t understand why Ghostbur is so upset about a simple sheep’s death - one with unlimited lives as well. In his mind, it’s just an animal. In Ghostbur’s mind, Friend is a friend, an important small thing. Phil is so used to moving on from things, he doesn’t understand the importance of pets and nations and a home. 

This is all temporary in his mind, and lives are more important to him than a country. L’manberg was corrupting people (Tubbo, quite possible Wilbur in his mind) and thus it didn’t serve its purpose and needed to go before it hurt more people. (plus I wonder if there were some underlying anger and frustration towards L’manberg for the loss of his wings. It’s basically canon now (everyone say thank you Sadist!) that Phil’s wings were damaged during the explosion, and I would imagine for someone so old, losing limbs like wings and being grounded would be a shock and some of that may have been projected onto L’manberg)

(I also want to talk briefly about his and Techno’s relationship. While we haven’t had any canon confirmation, I don’t think Techno is fully mortal and it makes sense for Phil to gravitate towards other ancient beings. Plus my friend pointed out another theory in that Phil could be a patron of some kind for Techno, something Blood God related, I don’t know we need more information Techno please give us character lore I beg of you)

OKAY! I rewrote what I already had sometimes I hate Tumblr anyway onward let’s write this out before I pass out I’m tired. 

Phil is willing to create relationships - but on his terms.

I said Phil is distant and hesitate to create bonds with people but this isn’t necessarily true. I want to point out Fundy and Ranboo and talk about his interactions with them and then talk about Tommy. 

At the start of season two, Fundy, Ghostbur and Phil were really driving the lore. Phil seemed to be trying to bond with Fundy, and I think a lot of that likely had to do with guilt from what happened to Wilbur but there’s something deeper to it. He makes an effort to be there for Fundy and to help him.  

Likewise, he went out of his way to save Ranboo from lava (though the overlap for in character and ooc is large there, I think it still applies), and brought him home after Doomsday, saving him from his own mind. 

Phil seems himself as a benevolent being. He sees himself as right, and part of that is being there for his grandson, or helping out a hybrid in trouble. 

However, it’s important to note - this is on his terms. He’s lived so long, he doesn’t want to put energy into relationships that won’t give him back something. For Fundy, I think a lot of it was making up for what happened with Wilbur and family responsibility, but he enjoyed spending time with Fundy (it’s been a while I need to rewatch some of those vods I think). 

With Ranboo, again I feel like there’s a small part in fulfilling some need of Phil’s to feel like he’s being ‘good’ and plucking this kid out of a warzone makes him feel good. But at the same time, Ranboo is polite, quiet, generous - the perfect kind of person to put energy into building a relationship with. Plus, I would not be surprised if Ranboo reminds him of Techno.  

If a relationship takes too much, or isn’t worth it - Phil drops it and doesn’t bother trying to fix what is broken. Why would he? He’s just going to outlive whatever the problem is. He lived in L’manberg, but he was never a part of it. He dismissed Tubbo so quickly when he saw Tubbo was being corrupted by his power and position. He didn’t follow up on Fundy or check that he was okay or make any effort to reach out to him when things started to go down. 

And that brings us to Tommy. We’re all upset at how Phil reacted to Tommy’s exile and the following, but I think it makes so much sense. Like I said before, he doesn’t put the effort into reaching out to Tommy, but he would have gone to the Beach Party if Tommy had reached out to him. He was happy to see Tommy at Techno’s place, he was willing to create that relationship and bond. 

But from Phil’s pov, Tommy was thrown aside by his home, found shelter with Techno, and then betrayed Techno by siding with the people who threw him aside. (and Techno is loyal to the few he trusts, so a betrayal like that will hit hard and Phil can see that). It makes sense that Phil decides that isn’t a relationship he wants to put energy into fixing. 

(Also to clarify, I’m not saying Tommy was wrong to side with L’manberg and Tubbo, or that Techno was right in lashing out like he did. I’m just saying it’s a complex issue, and seeing all sides of it is important - they were both betrayed that day). 

Living so long means Phil only cares to put effort and energy into relationships that benefit him, in whatever way. If someone is too difficult or needs too much effort, then in Phil’s mind there’s no reason to pursue that relationship. 

Being so old makes Phil overly confident in himself.

Philza is always in the right. Full stop. End of story.

He’s lived so long and has so much more experience than anyone else that he thinks he is in the right all the time. His fatal flaw is his pride and - much like Techno - he refuses to see anything from anyone else’s point of view. 

He saw L’manberg’s corruption, saw that it as a nation was hurting people and made the decision that it was doing more hurt than good so of course he joined Techno and Dream in destroying it. 

He sees the big picture and so of course Friend’s death doesn’t matter, Friend was just an animal. Ghostbur is too naive and foolish to understand that now. 

Unless he learns to listen and see someone else’s point of view - which will be very hard, because he’s so old and connecting with people is hard for him - he’s going to continue to think he’s always in the right. 

Conclusion

There’s a few things I want to see/think might happen with Phil’s character, one more likely than the other. 

First off - Karl. 

If anyone knows how to look at the big picture, if anyone knows how insignificant the simple things are and how pointless it can be sometimes it’s the server’s resident time traveller. But where Karl differs from Phil is that he cares. 

Karl goes out of his way to help, risks his memory and sanity to make things better for his friends. Pours time and effort and energy into relationships that may be onesided or temporary - heck, have you seen how much effort he goes to to be liked by everyone? Sometimes too much. 

I’d love to see some Karl and Phil interaction. Maybe in a Tales episode (young Phil? Backstory? Maybe?) or even in regular canon. It’s unlikely probably, but I think it could be an interesting discussion. Someone write a fic. 

Secondly - death. 

CC!Phil has made it no secret that his character is probably going to die at some point (if only for ghost WINGSSSS). Honestly? I think it could be a great direction to take the character. 

If Phil could find something worth dying for, could find the joys in the small things, could focus on the little details enough to realize - ‘oh. This does matter’ I honestly think that would be cool. A sacrificial death, maybe even for something as ‘insignificant’ as a pet (although pets can be important on this server). I’m not sure, but I think making peace with death would be a great way to take an immortal character’s arc.

There’s more I could talk about - for instance, I haven’t even mentioned the ‘not as painful as what I inflicted on their enemies’ comment and Phil’s whole ‘angel of death’ vibe, or the fact that he’s always only had one life. But it’s getting late and I’ve been writing this for like an hour and a half and I’m really tired. Feel free to add on! 

[clean-bands-dirty-stories]

Breathe ~ the Doctor (part 5)

A/n: I should be doing requests... I’m sorry... I just really love Doctor Who and my only other option is to watch the show where I’m at in my rewatch rather than where I’m at in this fan fiction, and I just got to the episode where Ten becomes Eleven and I’m... not ready man. Dang it.

Word Count:11,000+

MASTERLIST

When the Doctor and Rose cornered Y/n with Mickey completely out of sight, Y/n knew this was another intervention. The last time they'd done this was when they'd asked him to stop killing himself to save others. A bit hypocritical coming from the Doctor, but understandable as well. Watching one of the people you love die is bad enough once, but multiple times? Yeah no.

This time, they all knew it was different without having to say anything.

Y/n had gotten rather good at steering the TARDIS. Recently the Doctor had been letting him do it on his own to give him the experience, which had given The Doctor more time to spend with Rose. Mickey had been glued to Y/n's side because of this, trying to avoid watching his ex be with someone else. His ex, who he still loved. It was getting awkward if they were all being honest. The Doctor and Rose had stepped away from each other a lot, and it was obvious it was rather unpleasant for both of them. Instead of sitting back and teasing Y/n or recounting adventures or dreaming up possible news ones, inches apart with the Doctor's arm around Rose's shoulders, now they just talked about things from a bit of distance, with much less enthusiasm and flirting. Y/n avoided the awkwardness by distracting Mickey and driving the TARDIS. In fact, he'd learned to ignore a lot of things he didn't want to acknowledge by driving the TARDIS.

Like now. Rose and the Doctor looked at him, arms folded and faces serious, as Y/n overly focused on driving the TARDIS. Finally Rose sighed, stepping closer. "Where do you guys want to go now? I think I have the hang of this for real this time! No accidents." He waited for them to take the ease poke fun, but when they didn't he pushed on hurriedly. "I love the ocean don't get me wrong, but an ocean on another planet? Not great to open the doors on, but fun to explore. We were just lucky there was that ship there." He chuckled, but it fell short again when the other two didn't laugh. He sighed, stopping. "What is it?" He amusement had fallen, his anxiety rising.

"A while ago when we were at that school with the-"

"Weird bat people who wanted to be gods so they could fix the universe?" Y/n offered.

"Yeah," Rose agreed. A smile slipped through for a second until she swallowed it. "Brother whatever his name was - Mr. Finch. He said... he said you had memories that weren't yours."

Y/n forced a chuckle. "That was a while ago, Rosey, why are we talking about it now?"

Rose shot the Doctor a look. "Someone wanted to ignore it as much as you do. But I think we need to talk about this, because secrets are making things difficult and talking about things going on is important. Especially if it includes other people."

Y/n sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "I don't know what you could mean."

The Doctor piped up then. "Gallifrey." Y/n jerked, his knuckles going white as he gripped the control panel. "Did I ever tell you about what it was like there?" Y/n didn't respond, so the Doctor continued. "It was different than your Earth, obviously. But not just different like we've seen in places like Earth - it was really different. It was breathtaking. There were two suns there, and silver leaves that glowed when the light touched them." His voice was almost reverent, and Y/n felt his chest hurt as the image came to his mind so clearly. "The sky was the same though. A beautiful blue-"

"Blue?" Y/n looked up at him with confusion, and immediately realized his mistake. When the two men locked eyes, there was pain mirrored in both.

"What color was it really?" Rose asked softly. She knew. Y/n knew she knew. He realized only too quickly how this had been planned out, so clear and easy, to drag the truth out of Y/n in a way that he could never deny.

Giving in, Y/n looked up at the TARDIS, as if seeing the sky in person. "Orange. This glorious burnt orange. Made the leaves on the trees... glow." His voice caught and he shot up a hand to his face to wipe away a tear. "The day it was actually on fire..." He closed his eyes. "It's so clear in my mind, that day. I wasn't even there." His hands shot to cover his face, his fingers threading through his hair and pulling lightly on the roots. "God I can hear it. I can hear the music and the wind and the laughter and voices. I can feel the sunshine on my skin, Doctor." His hands dropped, head falling forward. "It's so heavy."

The Doctor moved closer, hands resting on either side of Y/n's face. "I can take it away if you want."

"No." Y/n ripped away, leaning back. "I was given this for a reason. I see so much now. I understand so much more. It hurts, but why would you ever let that pain go? It makes you stronger. It teaches you things that make you understand more. I can see things when I look at people who are nothing like me. I can understand a pain I would never have been able to experience on my own, and through that pain I have learned mercy that I should be incapable of. That I would have always been incapable of." He had been looking at the Doctor while he spoke, but now he looked away again, bashful. "There's something special about having the memories of lives you never lived, as a human. You've always said we're special, Doctor. Us humans. I think it's nice, to have the mind closest to a god one can get, while still having the heart of a human."

It was quiet for a long time until Rose moved closer to Y/n, raising her hand to wrap around the back of his neck. She kissed his forehead. "What a trio we are, eh? The human, the alien, and the one who's a little combination of both." She nudged Y/n and they both chuckled.

Y/n looked at the Doctor. "I'm sorry. I know... it's something I wished you had given to me, if I had to be given it at all. I don't know why I got them at all, but I feel like its a super invasion of privacy and-"

"You remember everything?" Was all he asked.

Y/n swallowed. "Every single detail of your life until the whole Bad Wolf thing."

The Doctor moved rather suddenly, forcing Rose to move backward as he grabbed Y/n's face and kissed him. Suddenly Y/n's mind exploded with memories, both his own and the Doctor's. He saw himself tripping over himself as he ran through an empty street, too young to be on his own but in that situation anyway. Not sure where to go or what to do, but knowing that he couldn't stop running. A little older and running again, but this time in different clothes, a small dog at his side. Laughter rang through the dark street that was teasing a sun rise. Suddenly he was much younger and making his parents breakfast because they'd had a rough night and were both super hung over; the left side of his face still hurt, and his body was tired from the rough sleep he'd barely gotten. Older again, leaning against a wall, near a fire contained in a trashcan, as a pretty blonde girl approached him with wide eyes full of worry. A few months later, as they sat at the edge of a pond, talking and laughing. She had brought him food and was complaining about how lame school was, until he told her how behind school he was. The months that came after with her teaming up with tutors to teach him all the important things he'd missed, giving him a place to stay and a job where she worked by vouching for him. Celebrating his eighteenth birthday with her by his side, and realizing that night that he was in love with her because seeing her at the side of someone else made his blood boil. More recent things, right before the Doctor had met them, where Y/n rolled his eyes and had sass offs with Mickey, who could never quite keep up with him. Things that happened so incredibly long ago, from the days that were fuzzy but distantly warm, before his parents took the road that lead them to destruction. Days that were freezing cold as he clung to the clothes he had in some attempt to keep warm. Running for his life when he got caught stealing. Learning how to do it better over time. Dodging police and orphanages for years. The few times he'd been caught, and had a small reprieve of shelter and promised food and clothes before he had to leave the orphanage, or his short stay in juvey ended.

When the two men leaned away from each other, Y/n was crying. The Doctor rested his forehead on Y/n's, pulling him close. They didn't say anything for a long time. Rose reached out and placed her hand on Y/n's shoulder, and he pulled her in to make it a hug with her sandwiched between them. The two men squeezed until Rose was half giggling and half screaming at them and only then did they let her go.

"So," Y/n sighed, shifting gears. "Where do you guys wanna go next?"

This is where the Doctor took charge. "I have an idea. Here, help me - pull that thing over there."

Y/n and the Doctor zipped around. It was so much easier with help - Y/n didn't know how the Timelord had done it all these years. Even now it was chaotic... they landed fine enough though, and soon Mickey was joining them in the control room and Y/n felt guilty for having forgotten to go and get him when the conversation had shifted. He needed to be better to the man - being around your ex and her new boyfriends was bad enough, but the others were accidentally sending signals that Mickey wasn't wanted and it was an extra sting the boy didn't need.

Making a promise silently to himself, Y/n moved to Mickey's side when the TARDIS landed. "First time out and about with the Doctor is always a little bit of a shock. You won't have it so bad since you've gotten a taste of it before, but still. Having aliens come to you is a lot different than you coming to them, so brace yourself."

Mickey puffed up his chest and Y/n swallowed the urge to roll his eyes. "I'll be fine, but thanks for the concern, Captain." They all went outside, and Y/n kept an eye on Mickey as the man took in his first non-Earth alien experience. "It's a spaceship," Mickey squeaked, and Y/n tried to make his grin less teasing and more excited. He was after all rather enthusiastic to go wandering in unknown territory. "Brilliant! I got a spaceship on my first go."

Rose was less excited. "Looks kind of abandoned. Anyone on board?" Y/n realized that she was concerned for the people who should be here, and Y/n found his heart swelling. What a good woman.

"Nah. nothing here," the Doctor answered. He made a weird face then corrected, "Well, nothing dangerous." Y/n rose an eyebrow. "Well, not that dangerous." Y/n scoffed in amusement, shaking his head. This man... "You know what, I'll just have a quick scan. In case there's anything dangerous."

That reminded Y/n of Jack Harkness, back in the days before the man who the Doctor was now. When they'd first met the infamous Captain Jack, and Rose had teased about how official he was with his scanning for alien tech. That made him sad to think about though. Jack had died the day Y/n had. He wondered what things would be like if Jack had been brought back with him. Someone to lift this burden off of his shoulders. The fear of forever, where nothing ever lasts long enough. In the span of eternity, it would be nice to have a friend who could be by your side through it all.

The others talked as the lights came on but Y/n began to walk away from them, taking in all the new things and searching the Doctor's memory to see if he knew what this was. To his surprise, he didn't. Y/n turned back, moving to the others once again. "This feels wrong," he said.

The Doctor nodded. "Honestly, had some cowboys in here. Been a ton of repair work going on." He dropped a piece of equipment, using his now free hand to point at a screen. "Now if you really want to talk about odd, look at that. All the warp engines are going." His eyebrows came together. "Full capacity." He planted a hand on the desk, leaning on it, his other hand going to his waist. "That's enough power running through the ship to punch a hole in the universe..." He looked up.

"But we're not moving," Y/n pointed out. Suddenly there was something in the back of his mind, poking at him. It was a small bother, as if someone tiny was trying to get his attention at the corner of his vision. He couldn't quite put a finger on it though.

Nodding, the Doctor looked at Y/n. Finally they saw each other for what they both were. No secrets. What sat in Y/n's eyes still scared the Timelord, but it was a relief too. Maybe Y/n would understand him, as much as a human could understand. "The question is then, where's all that power going?"

"Where'd all the crew go?" Rose piped up, reminding the others in the room once again that there was no one on board a ship. One that they all now knew was at full thrusters and should be shooting through reality itself, but was standing still anyway.

"Good question," the Doctor complimented. "No life readings on board." He began to mess with the controls.

Rose sighed. "Well we're in deep space. They didn't just nip out for a quick smoke."

"Nope," the Doctor agreed. "I've checked all the smoking pods."

Y/n reached over, placing his hand on the Doctor's shoulder. "Doctor..." It had just clicked what had been bothering him. "That smell?"

Everyone took a good whiff. "Smells like someone's cooking." Rose placed her hands on her hips, looking like she was about to tell someone off for having fire indoors.

"Sunday roast, definitely," Mickey agreed.

Hitting a button in his fiddling, the Doctor hit a switch that opened a panel behind them. They turned and began walking into a new room. One that had... a fireplace. Odd. "Well." The Doctor slipped his hands in his pockets. "That's not something you see on your average spaceship." Y/n got excited, finally able to learn and explore, and took off to get a closer look. It seemed he had done so at the exact same second the Doctor had so they were side by side as the Doctor continued, "18th century French. Nice mantle." He took out his sonic screwdriver as Y/n ran his hands along the wood, feeling the detail and leaning close to get a good look.

"It's beautiful workmanship," Y/n whispered, in awe.

"Not a hologram either," the Doctor tagged on, after checking the thing with his screwdriver then slipping the tool back into his coat.

Something dawned on Y/n and his eyes widened. "And this isn't a replica, is it?" He looked at the Doctor, eyebrows raised.

"No," the Doctor agreed. "This is actually an 18th-century French fireplace."

Y/n narrowed his eyes. "Well how is that possible? In so much time passed, the only way this thing is in such good condition is if it was fairly new, or untouched. It would have gotten scuffed or broken, needed replacements in all that time." He jerked. "Could they be time travelers?"

"You know as much as I do," the Doctor answered. And it was true. Time travel wasn't a common thing. It wasn't technology the Timelords had shared with anyone else. It was highly unlikely at best, and even if that was the case, why would someone take a mantle out of time and use it to decorate a ship? There were better and far more easily accessed things. There was a second of silence as the two men searched for clues until the Doctor drew in a sharp breath. "It's double-sided. There's another room through there."

"It can't be," Rose contradicted as the Doctor kneeled down. Y/n followed him and the two leaned against each other to make room for both of them. "That's the outer hull of the ship," Rose continued. She was looking out a window. "Look." At her command, Mickey moved closer to her to inspect.

Suddenly, there was a child on the other side of the fireplace. The Doctor smiled. "Hello."

"Hello?" the small girl replied, obviously unsure. Y/n waved politely. She nodded in return.

"What's your name?" the Doctor asked.

"Reinette," the girl responded. Y/n was surprised by the child's willingness to share infomration. It was rather helpful, but still dangerous since she didn't know them.

"Reinette," the Doctor smiled. "That's a lovely name. Can you tell me where you are at the moment, Reinette?" Mickey and Rose crouched between Y/n and the Doctor, trying to see what was going on. Rose gasped quietly.

That seemed to confuse the girl. "In my bedroom?" she offered slowly.

"And where's your bedroom?" the Doctor clarified. "Where do you live, Reinette?"

"Paris of course," Reinette responded, shaking her head slightly. Y/n wanted to say somethingm but the Doctor had it handled and the child was probably a little overwhelmed with a bunch of strange people looking at her. Having more than one of them talk to her at a time might be overwhelming and could scare her off.

"Paris, right." The Doctor grinned, shaking his head, playing off that he was just silly or confused and not the truth, which was much harder to explain.

The girl seemed to have questions of her own. "Monsieur, what are you doing in my fireplace?"

"Oh it's just a routine... fire check," the Doctor lied on the fly. Y/n shook his head, trying to hide his smile. "Can you tell me what year it is?" the Doctor asked quickly, trying to cover up the obvious lie. "Can you tell me what year it is?"

"Of course I can," Reinette answered. She smiled, amused by the funny man in her fireplace. "1727."

Well that explained the fireplace. At least, where they got it. "Right, lovely, one of my favorites."

"You say that for every time," Y/n finally spoke up. "They're all your favorite."

"Well, yeah," the Doctor relented. "I will say, August of this year though is a bit rubbish, though. Stay indoors." He perked up. "Okay. That's all for now. Thanks for your help. Hope you enjoy the rest of the fire. Night night."

"Goodnight, Monsieur," was all Reinette said in reply. They all stood, facing each other away from the fireplace.

"You said this was the 51st-century," Micky reminded rather bitterly.

"I also said the ship was generating enough energy to punch a hole in the universe," the Doctor shot back immediately. "I think we just found the hole." They all looked back at the fireplace. "Must be a spatio-temporal hyperlink," he continued to himself.

"What's that?" Mickey asked.

"He made it up," Y/n scoffed, rolling his eyes.

"I didn't want to say magic door," the Doctor complained in response.

Rose tried a go at this whole thing. "And on the other side of the "magic door" it's France in 1727?"

"Well." the Doctor tilted his head. "She was speaking French. Right period French, too."

"No, she was speaking English. I heard her." Mickey's eyebrows were so pushed together his confusion seemed to turn to anger.

"No the TARDIS translates languages so wherever we go, we understand what everyone is saying," Rose explained eagerly, always happy to have her turn knowing what's going on. Her excitement was cute. They were a clever bunch, them. Well not Mickey, but the rest of them.

That was a rude thought. Perhaps the Doctor was rubbing off on Y/n a little more than he'd thought.

"Even French?" Mickey asked.

Y/n replied, "Obviously," at the same time that Rose gave a much kinder, more patient response of, "Yep." She nudged him and he smiled, playing innocent. They began migrating back toward the mantle, and Y/n crouched down, looking through the fire. Rose and Mickey were stepped back as Mickey tried to process the TARDIS when suddenly the floor began to move.

The Doctor had found a lever, and with victory, he pulled it. "Gotchya!" That's what made the floor move, as like a false bookcase in a murder mystery story, the whole thing spun so they were on the other side of the mantle, in the room where Reinette had been. Except... they didn't mean Mickey and Rose, because they'd been too far. Only by coincidence had Y/n managed to be close enough that when the thing turned, he had gone with the Doctor.

Y/n stood, eyes wide as he looked around the room with awe. He went to say something, but then his eyes landed on Reinette, who was asleep in bed. She looked sound asleep too, despite being wide awake and moving around and talking just seconds ago. Y/n and the Doctor exchanged wide looks. They both slowly moved further into the room, the Doctor going to the window to look outside and Y/n moving around to inspect the make of the room and attempt to take a peak outside the door into the hallway.

Attempt was the word, because before he could actually do it, Reinette awoke with a gasp, sitting up in bed with wide eyes. The Doctor rushed to calm her. "It's okay! Don't scream. It's me. It's fireplace man." Y/n shot him a look, but it seemed to work. Did this child have no survival instincts at all? Two grown, strange men creeping around her bedroom at night while she slept and she's calm the second she sees the Doctor?

Well, actually, that made sense. There was a sense that one could always trust the Doctor. The same went for Y/n, but for different reasons. The Doctor was the kind of person you hid behind and trusted to run out into battle and protect you. Even if he wasn't by your side, you knew you were safe. Y/n was the kind of person who never left your side. He held your hand and comforted you and gave the sense that he would take a bullet for you while holding you in his arms, his back to the danger and you completely safe from it. Together they were quite calming. The Doctor knew what he was doing, and nothing could stop him from figuring it out and destroying it. Y/n knew less, but was far more ready to put himself in harm's way, and nothing would ever get to you as long as he was there to stand in danger's way.

The Doctor moved to the candle on Reinette's dresser, using his sonic screwdriver to light the candle and cast light in the room so the girl in bed could see him. Her eyes moved from him quickly though to Y/n. "And his friend," she told herself. It didn't seem to e something she meant to say aloud.

"Yes." the Doctor began to change, becoming softer and warmer. It was something he did only for children. It showed that huge, soft heart of his he tried to protect - even from Rose who couldn't always see through his guise because she didn't know what Y/n did. Children had always made him like this. More human. Less logical and curious and detached and more emotional. Closer. Y/n tried not to think about the time that had been most true, with his own children. How that had become so painful for him after they were gone, but how it had never gone away because he just couldn't help himself. The Doctor spoke again, knocking Y/n out of his thoughts. "We were talking, the three of us, just a moment ago. We were in your fireplace."

The girl shook her head. "Monsieur, that was weeks ago. That was months."

The Doctor looked at Y/n, who was just as surprised. Hadn't it been just seconds ago for them? "Really?" the brunette asked as he turned back to the child. He rose a hand to tug on his ear - a tell that he was caught off guard and uncomfortable. He really was a terrible liar. He turned away from her, going back to the mantle. He kneeled down, knocking on it. "Must be a loose connection. We need to get someone in here."

"Wait Doctor-" Y/n moved closer as well, a startling thought hitting him. "If time passes like that over here, do you think it's just that time is different on either side? I mean, its been seconds since we left Rose and Mickey for us but..."

Before they could brain map that out, or go back, Reinette spoke again. "Who are you and what are you doing here?"

The Doctor didn't answer though. He froze a second, and then his eyes slowly drifted back toward the mantle, away from the little girl, landing on the clock. Y/n wasn't sure what he was seeing, but he looked anyway, hoping it would click immediately. "Okay, that's scary," the Doctor muttered.

"You're scared of a broken clock?" Reinette asked with slight sass. Y/n was starting to like this kid.

Amusement didn't seem to be in the cards for the Doctor right now though. With all seriousness he responded, "Just a bit scared, yeah. Just a little tiny bit. Cause you see, if this clock's broken, and it's the only clock in the room..." He looked around to affirm and Y/n followed his gaze.

And that was when he heard it. He looked back at the clock on the mantle to be sure, and saw the hands were still, frozen in place. But if that was the case... "What's making that ticking noise?" It was half a question, and half a resolution as he realized what path the Doctor had gone down.

"Definitely not a clock," the Doctor provided like an answer, even though it was phrased as if continuing a sentence that Y/n had just supplied a part of. "You can tell by the resonance. Too big." He began walking away from the mantle and Y/n stayed close. Not to hide behind the Doctor as most people were happy to do, but because he was making sure the Doctor was okay - just as he always stayed close to keep people safe. "Six feet I'd say," the Doctor continued. "The size of a man."

"What is it?" Reinette asked, beginning to grow panicked.

The Doctor began to move to one side of the bed, nodding Y/n to go the other way. Only then did the men part. "Now let's think." the Doctor was all business now, taking control of a situation and figuring out the threat. It calmed Reinette as it did earlier, to see the two men to actually be who they seemed to be. Without the Doctor to watch, Y/n moved closer to Reinette, looking around the room, his body coiled to fight if necessary. "If you were a thing that ticked and you were hiding in someone's bedroom, first thing you do: break the clock. No one notices the sound of one clock ticking, but two?" He hesitated a while and Y/n felt a chill in his spine. "You might start to wonder if you were really alone. He began to kneel, looking under the bed, and Y/n moved to block the other side. The thing still might escape at the end, but the less places it had to go, the better. Y/n stayed on his feet, still ready to run or tackle something if he had to. "Stay in the middle of the bed," the Doctor instructed Reinette. "Hands and feet close by."

The Doctor looked under the bed. There was the soft whirring of the sonic screwdriver, and long silence that held far too much tension.

Suddenly, a hand shot out and the trio jumped, eyes going wide. Y/n watched the Doctor to make sure he was okay, still planted in place if the thing tried to run.

Unfortunately, the thing did run, but it moved incredibly fast. It was out from under the bed and standing next to Y/n within seconds, and all Y/n could do was stand there as the thing wrapped a hand around his throat. He went stiff, eyes wide. The Doctor moved slowly from being on the ground to raising from the floor at a snail's pace, eyes trained on the thing that was currently holding Y/n in a very compromising position.

"Reinette," the Doctor whispered softly, looking at the small girl who was facing him instead of the thing that had Y/n. "Don't look round." As she had been all night, the girl was obedient. "You." The Doctor's voice had changed as he directed the thing holding Y/n. "Stay exactly where you are. Unless of course you could be so kind as to let my partner there go." His words were polite, but his tone was dark. He was not asking. If anything, his words were a threat. The thing didn't move, either to let Y/n go or to hurt him, so the Doctor hesitated, looking at Reinette again. His face changed and he kneeled down again, but this time to grab Reinette's face with both of his hands. Y/n knew what he was doing, and he relaxed. As much as Reinette was fine with sitting there and listening to every word the Doctor told her, Y/n was the same. Both of them trusted the Doctor completely, and if he didn't think Y/n was in any real danger enough to address it, he wasn't.

"What is it?" Y/n asked softly, taking in the expression of the man now looking at Reinette like she had an arm attached to the side of her head.

"You've been scanning her brain." It was an answer, but mostly an accusation, and it was targeted at the clockwork man holding Y/n. "You've crossed two galaxies and thousands of years just to scan a child's brain? What could there be in a little girl's mind worth blowing a hole in the universe?" He let Reinette go, standing tall again.

"You've done it now," Y/n mumbled, finding himself grinning.

"I don't understand." Reinette hadn't spoken in a while, but in all that time she hadn't lost much worry, even if her fear was satiated. She was safe while the Doctor was here, but why did she need his protection at all? She turned now, looking at the clockwork thing. "You want me?"

The clockwork man looked at her - the first time it had shown any sign of thought since moving out from under the bed. In a robotic drawl, it answered. "Not yet. You are incomplete." Its hands tightened around Y/n's throat and his eyes fluttered closed as he took in his a labored breath to feed his brain air as much he could.

"Let him go!" Reinette screamed. Unlike when the Doctor had threatened the automaton immediately let go of Y/n, who dropped to his knees, gasping.

"Are you okay, Y/n?" the Doctor asked.

"I'm fine," Y/n rasped, not moving from his spot on the floor. "Keep that brain of yours working, that's what we need right now."

The Doctor hesitated, but obliged. His eyes moved to the automaton. "You said she was incomplete. What does that mean?" The thing didn't respond, and the Doctor got irritated. "You can answer her, you can answer me," he demanded. "What do you mean, incomplete?" He brought up his screwdriver and the thing responded, but not how it had been asked to. Instead, it moved around Y/n on the floor and to the other side of the bed, raising its own arm and extending a blade to press against the Doctor's throat just as threateningly.

"Monsieur be careful!" Reinette begged, worry in her eyes.

"It's just a nightmare, Reinette," the Doctor assured. "Don't worry about it."

Y/n forced himself to his feet. "Doctor," he croaked, afraid to move and startle the thing, but feeling his stress rise at seeing the Doctor in danger. Why couldn't the thing just stay focused on him? Y/n couldn't die. "What you said before, about how it can answer you if it answers her. I mean... she's supposed to be here, we aren't. What if it's not supposed to answer anyone but her?"

The Doctor's eyes widened. That could have been from the way the mechanic thing swung at him though. Y/n surged forward as the Doctor skidded back, the mechanic man following his path. The Doctor kept addressing Reinette, eyes flickering to her as if Y/n hadn't spoken. Y/n realized why when he looked back and noticed her at the edge of her bed, looking ready to cry. "Everyone has nightmares," he told her soothingly. "Even monsters from under the bed have nightmares." he leaned against the mantle, a smirk rising to his face. "Don't you, Monster?" He ducked as the metal weapon swung down at him, missing him and planting firmly in the wood of the mantle instead, sticking and leaving the clockwork machine helpless and unmoving. Y/n met the Doctor, immediately going to check that he was okay.

Reinette interrupted the scene. "What do monsters have nightmares about?" She asked. There was another question in her eyes as she looked between the Doctor and Y/n, but not one she could find words for, so she left it there instead.

The Doctor grinned at that question though, fueled by being able to answer. "Me," he told her as he leaned against the lever that turned the wall again and took the clockwork man, the Doctor, and Y/n all back back over to the ship side of this situation, leaving Reinette in her room alone.

To Y/n's relief, it seemed that neither Rose nor Mickey had moved since they'd been here last. "Doctor!" Rose exclaimed, going to run forward and greet him, but then stopping short when she saw the man clock. The Doctor raced to the side of the room, grabbing one of the guns. Y/n was far out of the way by the time the Timelord turned around, hosing the machine man down with some sort of mist. Y/n realized what had happened when the mist cleared and the clockwork man was silent and still, as if frozen.

"Excellent, ice gun." Mickey looked at the gun with intrigue.

Y/n smirked. "Fire extinguisher actually," he corrected. The Doctor winked, proud of Y/n. He then tossed the gun he was holding to Rose, who caught it and pulled it to her face to take a closer look.

"Where did that thing come from?" Rose asked as she looked at the gun.

"Here." The Doctor slipped his hands into his pockets, his brain racing as usual.

"Why is it dressed like that then?" Mickey seemed to disbelieve as usual.

"Well you can't go around somewhere you don't want to be noticed if you don't blend in," was what Y/n offered.

"Fieldtrip to France," the Doctor followed up. "Some kind of camouflage protocol." He began to walk toward the thing. "Nice needle work. Shame about the face." He pushed the mask off, knocking it to the floor to reveal the actual head of the thing underneath. What was there was a head-shaped clear, plastic shield that rested overtop clockwork, all made of gold. The Doctor's eyes widened and his jaw dropped, and Y/n gasped, moving closer rather quickly. "Oh, you are beautiful!" He took out his glasses to get a better look. "No really, you are. Look at that!" he looked at Y/n, his eyes full of admiration. Y/n's eyes were trained on the clockwork, but he felt the Doctor's gaze and nodded in silent awe. "Space age clockwork. I love it. I've got chills! Listen, seriously, I mean this from the heart - and by the way, count those - it would be a crime, it would be an act of vandalism, to disassemble you..."

Y/n snorted. "Since when has that ever stopped you?"

The Doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver. "Not even once," he admitted. "And it won't stop me now." There was a split second, as if the thing was realizing how dangerous the Doctor was, and then it split into lots of pieces and was sucked up and away. "Short range teleport, can't have gone far. Could still be on board," the Doctor explained as he turned away, back to the mantle. "

"What is it?" Rose demanded.

"Don't go looking for it!" was all the Doctor offered in response. Y/n knew it was because the Timelord had no idea, and he hated to admit that most of the time.

"Well where are you going?" Rose shot back.

"Can I come with you?" Y/n asked, realizing the Doctor was headed back to Reinette's room.

The Doctor shook his head. "I need you to keep an eye on these two. We both know how far what I tell them to do goes." Then he hit the lever and the wall turned and he was gone.

There was only a second before Rose was ready to go off and do exactly what she'd been told not to, just as the Doctor predicted. "He said not to go look for it," Mickey reminded.

Y/n turned around, his face stern, to see Rose grinning smugly. "Yeah, he did." She looked at Y/n, daring him to stop her.

He always did as the Doctor asked, as he did now, and she knew it. "Come on Rose, it's dangerous and we have no idea what we're up a-" He had been walking toward her to stop her, but when he got close enough she grabbed the back of his neck, pulling him down into a rather heated kiss. She leaned away too soon for Y/n to be satisfied, leaving him reeling instead.

"You were saying?" As she winked at Y/n, Mickey grabbed another one of the guns off of where the Doctor grabbed the first one, and returned to Rose. "Now you've got it," she complimented. Then she turned around and began trekking down the hall and Y/n was completely helpless to stop her.

"Wait!" He squeaked, trying to orient himself. But it was too late, and he groaned before jogging after them. Why was it always up to him to keep them in check? They never listened anyway!

Mickey went the fast way, zooming past all the important stuff as he tried to look cool with his rolls and tiptoeing. Rose followed after him, looking around corners at least and walking normally, keeping an eye out for danger. Y/n dragged at last, paying attention to everything he could without being slow enough for Rose to get out of his sight. At one point Mickey made some sound of alarm and the other two moved to him. "Look at this," he told them. "That's an eye in there. That's a real eye."

And, unfortunately, he was right. In some sort of camera, where the lense would be was what looked to be just a human eye. Something or the sort at least - it seemed to be close to human in structure. Y/n moved closer and the thing zipped away.

"That's not good," Y/n said softly. "Ships don't have eyes attached to things that should be mechanic - living parts and machinery don't mix."

Rose caught his attention again by opening a hatch lower down the wall and leaning down. Mickey leaned down with her, peering into the hole behind the hatch. "What is that? There in the middle, it looks like it's wired in." Y/n couldn't see cause there was no room to get a vantage point, so he stayed back.

Rose answered for him. "It's a heart, Mickey. It's a human heart." They leaned away, and Rose looked at Y/n. "You've never seen anything like this before? Or the Doctor?"

Y/n's expression was grim as he looked around the ship, feeling his stomach turn as he began to put something together he didn't like. "No. Like I said, organic matter and machinery have never combined well. The metal bits would get too hot eventually and..." he swallowed, turning away. "Never mind. If you two are set on wandering around, we shall continue with that." And without another word he surged forward, hands in pockets and refusing to answer.

Rose tried to pressure him but after a while of not a single word for him, the trip grew silent. Until Mickey spoke up again. "Maybe it wasn't a real heart." Safely out of sight, Y/n allowed himself to roll his eyes.

"Of course it was a real heart." That cake from Rose, and she sounded as irritated as Y/n felt.

Mickey didn't seem to like that. Neither did Y/n, but one didn't deal with things they liked by ignoring them or trying to push them away or deny their existence. You had to accept the bad things as reality in order to conquer them. "Is this normal for you guys? Is this an average day?"

"Not this specifically," Y/n answered softly.

"There aren't really average days for anything though," Rose added. "Not with the Doctor. You don't ever really adjust to this stuff."

Y/n reached what seemed to be a window into a room that looked like it came from Reinette's time. He leaned closer, trying to look in. Rose and Mickey caught up with him. "It's France again. We can see France." Y/n glared And tried not to aim it at Mickey. If the man made one more obvious statement Y/n might implode.

"I think we're looking in a mirror." Rose seemed to be handling this better than Y/n, though not by much.

Some people walked in and Y/n watched, trying to read their lips. That wasn't one of the things he knew though, even with the odd things he'd accidentally picked up from the Doctor - like sticking his hands in his pockets when he didn't know what to do with them. "Who's this guy?" Mickey scoffed as they watched.

"The king of France." Y/n was surprised to hear the Doctor's voice, but relieved too.

"Oh," Rose drawled teasingly. "Here's trouble. What have you been up to?"

"This and that," was all they got. "Became the imaginary friend of a future French aristocrat. Got in a fight with a clockwork man - Reinette asked where you were by the way, Y/n."

"Take me next time then," Y/n shot jokingly.

"Might as well, you obviously can't keep these two where they're supposed to be like I asked," the Doctor shot back.

"Since when has anything been able to stop Rose Tyler?" Y/n defended himself.

That made the Doctor smile. "Fair point." there was suddenly a neigh from a horse as the white animal turned the corner. "Did I mention I made friends with a horse?"

Once again Mickey came in with the worst question. "What's a horse doing on a spaceship?"

The Doctor came back with irritation that made Y/n feel pleased. "Mickey, what's pre-revolutionary France doing on a spaceship? Get a little perspective." Y/n snorted. "See these?" He pointed to the mirror, turning attention to that instead so Mickey has to room to reply back. "They're all over the spaceship, on every deck. Gateways to history." A woman walked in the room, and Y/n tilted his head. She seemed familiar somehow. "But not just any old history," the Doctor continued. "Hers."

That's when it clicked. "That's Reinette?" Y/n asked in surprise. The Doctor nodded. He had a soft look in his eyes that made Y/n raise his eyebrows. The brunette felt the other's man gaze and turned to look, only to look away again very quickly when Y/n smirked. He was about to tease when the Doctor continued, a little more awkward this time.

"A time window. Deliberately arranged along the life of one particular woman. A spaceship from the 51st century stalking a woman from the 18th." He shook his head. "Why?"

"Who is she?" Rose inquired.

"Jean-Antionette Poisson," the Doctor replied. Y/n rose his eyebrows. French Mamés were so fancy. "Known to her friends as Reinette. One of the most accomplished women who ever lived." So that's why he was so into her.

"So she's got plans to be the Queen then?" Rose asked next, watching the way Reinette smiled at the King.

"No he's already got a Queen," the Doctor told her. "She's got plans of being his mistress."

Y/n's eyes went wide. "I'm worry, are we talking about- oh my stupid human brain, we're talking about THE Madame de Pompadour?" Y/n hissed, his eyebrows coming together in surprise.

The Doctor grinned. "Only and only!"

Y/n snorted. "You're just a man after all," he teased. Rose and Mickey both realized the Doctor's infatuation then too, Rose scowling and Mickey snickering quietly to himself.

The Doctor however, decided to ignore his comment. "I think this is the night they met. The night of the Yew Tree Ball. In no time flat she'll get herself established as his official mistress with her own rooms at the palace, even her own title. Madame de Pompredour, as Y/n so kindly recalled earlier."

Reinette moved toward the mirror, fixing herself, but looking straight at the four people she didn't know were looking back. "Queen must have loved her," Rose snarked quietly. Y/n silently thought that she was rather beautiful - a notice that had probably been what had made Rose think of that in the first place. He noticed the way the blonde looked at Reinette, and then took a peek at the Doctor. Y/n internally sighed. This girl and her jealousy...

"Yeah, they were actually really good friends," the Doctor stated in response to what she'd said.

"The Kong's wife and the Kong's girlfriend?" Mickey scoffed. When he said girlfriend, he looked directly at Y/n, and Y/n felt his anger rise.

"France," the Doctor dismissed. "Different planet." Suddenly he froze, and Y/n looked back through the mirror to see Reinette turning around, facing a man that was looking away from her. The thing turned and-

At the same time the Doctor and Y/n both lurched forward, pushing the mirror so it turned as the wall had at the mantle before, surging into the room as one. At some point he must have grabbed one of the guns because he suddenly hosed the thing down with it, freezing it as he had the one from before. Except this one... was working against that frost.

"Fireplace man," Reinette shouted in surprise. She then saw Y/n and grinned. "And he's brought his friend this time." Y/n tipped his head in greeted and she gave a small courtsey in response.

"What's it doing?" Mickey asked, in reference to the whirring sound coming from the clockwork man.

"Working its gears, trying to heat the ice." The Doctor tossed the gun back to Rose, who it seemed he'd stolen it from in the first place.

"And what happens then?" Mickey continued.

"It kills everyone in the room," the Doctor answered with a frown. Just then the arm of the clockwork man shot forward, hand reaching to choke the Doctor as it had once tried to choke Y/n. The Doctor was expecting it though, and was faster to react, jetting out of the way before it could succeed. "Focuses The mind, doesn't it?" He stared at the machine with authority. "Who are you?" He demanded. "Identify yourself." The thing only tilted its head.

Y/n stepped forward. "Remember before, Doctor? In Reinette's room?"

The Timelord nodded. "Right." He looked at Reinette. "Order it to answer me."

That seemed to confuse her though. "Why should it answer to me?"

"I don't know," he offered honestly. "But it did when you were a child." He looped around, moving to stand behind her, leaning in to whisper into her ear. "Let's see if you've still got it." Y/n smirked to himself. What a damn flirt.

Reinette turned to the living machine. "Answer his question," she ordered. "Answer any and all questions put to you."

The machine lowered its arm. "I am repair droid seven."

"And what happened to the ship?" The Doctor asked. "That's a lot of damage."

Y/n sucked in a breath and for a second, all eyes except the driod's turned to him. He looked at the machine though as it answered, "Ion storm, 82% failure."

"What did you find out, Y/n?" The Doctor pressed. So Y/n stepped forward, hoping he was wrong.

"The ship hasn't moved in a long while, hasn't it?" Y/n asked softly. "It's taken you a while to fix it - why?"

"We did not have the parts," the machine answered.

"You didn't have the parts you needed to fix your ship?" Y/n's voice was beginning to taint with horror, and the others looked at him with pre confusion, unsure as to what he was getting at. "So you're stuck in the middle of nowhere, ship broken down, no way to move, without the parts you need, and you had to do something." Y/n shook his head. "Why here and now? Why Reinette? What are you looking for here?"

"We did not have the parts," was all the machine answered.

So Y/n changed his question. "What part are you looking for?"

"What?" The Doctor couldn't make sense of that question. "They couldn't be looking for any parts here - it wouldnt make any sense at all. What about the crew?"

Again, the machine answered, "We didn't have the parts."

Y/n sighed, closing his eyes. "We found a camera with an eye in it. A heart, wired into the ship." He opened his eyes again, looking at the Doctor. "They didn't have the parts, so they used what was available to them."

The Doctor's eyes widened. "They used the crew." The others gawked, except Y/n who had known since they'd seen everything before. "It's just doing what it was programmed to do. Using whatever it can, wherever it can find it. No one told them the crew wasn't on the menu. What did you say the flight deck smelled of?"

Rose was stunned, her eyes glossing over as she remembered what she'd said then, and how it must have connected in Y/n's mind later. "Someone cooking." Her answer came with detached horror.

"Like I said. Machinery and organic material- they don't mix." Y/n's eyes dropped to the ground.

"Flesh plus heat," the Doctor added on. "Barbecue." A heavy silence fell, but the Doctor had never been good with silences so he didn't let it settle. "But what are you doing- oh!" He looked at Y/n, then back to the machine. "You're here for a part."

"One more part is required," the machine responded in confirmation.

The Doctor's voice dropped. "Why haven't you taken it?"

"She is not complete," the machine responded. Y/n remembered that it said the same thing that night in Reinette's bedroom.

"What so that's the plan then?" The Doctor jerked back in half mocking disbelief. It was a ridiculous plan, to be fair. "Open up more and more time windows and scanning her brain, checking to see if she's done yet?"

Then Rose jumped in with a brilliant question. "Why her?" She asked. "You've got all of history to choose from- why specifically her?"

"I mean The Doctor said it didn't he?" He realized before the machine could respond. "The most successful woman in history. Brilliant, and incredibly accomplished. I mean, the Doctor could probably go on for years about all she's been able to do. Her mind - her brain, the part they need - it's... I mean sorry if this sounds bad, but it's brilliant. They had to choose someone. Why not her?"

The machine looked at Y/n. "We are the same," It agreed.

"The same?" Reinette spat. "We are not the same! We are in no such way the same!" She panicked, and before anyone could stop her she ordered the thing, "Get out of here this instant!" It disappeared and Y/n ran into the ship, looking around the corner. It was gone though. The Doctor yelled something and Rose and Mickey took off running.

Before Y/n could join then the Doctor called, "Y/n, stay with me!" So Y/n turned around and reentered the room with Reinette and the Doctor. He closed the mirror, realizing it was actually a window instead. He left the other two to do their thing as he turned to the wall, looking at the decorations with a close eye. He felt the need to soak it all in, and whatever the Doctor was doing he didn't actually need Y/n's help, otherwise he would have called him over.

He heard their flirting as the Doctor looked into Reinette's mind, and he rolled his eyes at their antics. That was... until Reinette said something that shocked both of the men in the room. "Oh Doctor, such a lonely childhood." Y/n turned. "So, so lonely. Lonely then, and even lonelier now."

"What are you talking about?" The Doctor asked. "You've never been lonely once in your life." Suddenly he jerked back. "Since when did you start calling me Doctor?"

She just looked back at him. "A door once opened can be stepped through in either direction." She stepped up to him. "Oh Doctor. My lonely Doctor." She was so beautiful, and she looked at him with so much love. She'd said he was lonely... only then did Y/n fully understand Rose's jealousy. Was he not enough? "Dance with me," she asked. Y/n turned and moved away, through the window and into the ship, walking back to the flight deck and to the mantle to cool off. He was suddenly angry, and all that ever did was cloud his mind. The Doctor needed him sharp - feelings couldn't get in the way. How could he ever blame anyone for falling in love with the Doctor? Hadn't he done it himself? His eyes found the mantle, and he drifted toward it, pulling the lever. He ended up in Reinette's room. Or... her old room he supposed. He heard footsteps, many footsteps, and ducked behind a curtain.

Unfortunately for him, it seemed to be a very bad time. The room was being emptied, and it seemed that the mantle was going now. Which meant... there was no way back. He peeked our, trying to think, and was immediately spotted. "Y/n." He looked over in surprise to see Reinette of all people. He slipped out, a stiff smile on his face.

"Hello, Reinette."

She seemed to sense his slight disdain. "I'm sorry for that night. I remember - that was the last time I saw you. I saw you two in his head, and I... well, I didn't realize until later when he was leaving. What it meant, and why you left. I'm very sorry." Y/n slipped his hands in his pockets. The other people in the room seemed to hesitate, but then left when the two seemed casual enough. Only one man stood outside the room in order to give them privacy of sort while also making sure Reinette stayed safe. "Have You two had time to talk? I don't know what happens on your dude of things."

Y/n shook his head. "Back there... there's kind of not much time. I mean, where I come from... well it's a bit complicated."

She looked at the mantle, then back. "Do you need to go soon?"

Y/n sighed. "You broke the connection, and I can't fix it from this side. The Doctor will be here soon I'm sure. Until then, if you want to ask, I'm more than happy to answer. I... I think I need some air. Just a bit maybe."

She smiled. "Wonderful."

-

Three years. Y/n did not age, as he had long since stopped doing, but Reinette did. The two became very good friends, and she kept him a secret from other people. They got attached to each other, but even if they hadn't it wouldn't have mattered. For some reason The exists that he knew weren't working. He couldn't figure out how to get back onto the ship. So he waited for the Doctor - the long route, just like everyone else. He had to say, he didn't mind it. Sticking by Reinette's side was kind of refreshing. When he drew a line she knew to withdraw, but otherwise they talked about everything - and they especially bonded over their deep feelings for the Doctor.

Over time, Y/n adjusted to life in France. It was odd, and he tried to stay away from people and out of any news or such as much as he could because it all confused him and he was worried about changing too much, but for the most part it was fine. He became Reinette's footman - a thing that had been a bit of scandal for a while, but nothing too big as it had been written off as her secret brother or cousin or something. It was too clear too soon that they weren't lovers, and that was what mattered.

Even Y/n and the King got along. It was the day that the King had asked for his company riding horses that Y/n returned to a frantic Reinette. "Those friends of yours just turned up and said in five years they're returning. The clockwork men. I..." She slouched in disappointment. "You weren't here. I tried the entrance again after they left, but it was suddenly locked like all the others. I- I'm so sorry Y/n, I forgot to tell them about you. There was so much going on-"

"No worries my lady," Y/n dismissed. "This way I'll be right by your side when those things come. It's the best place to be really." He smiled and after a second, so did she.

And so five more years passed.

It had been eight years without the Doctor, and Y/n had matured a lot. He'd been allowed his own room to breathe. Oddly enough, his memories of the TARDIS never faded and he found himself missing the Doctor and Rose and even Mickey. He had found this sort of life nice and refreshing at first, but it was boring now. He had a lot more skills - horse riding and sword fighting and cooking and baking. He had even picked up carving, and had seen lots of history up close and personal. But it wasn't with the two people he loved the most.

There was something that kept him from going back though. A question that stuck stubbornly in the back of his mind.

Did they miss him at all?

Perhaps that wasn't fair. It had been eight years for him, but probably not even an hour for them. A horrible thought occurred to him at one point. They might not have even noticed he was gone yet at all.

That thought was what made him hesitate.

The day came that the clockwork men returned, and Reinette rushed to her mantle to call for the Doctor. When she stood, she turned to Y/n. "What do I do?"

Y/n pressed his lips together. "As the Doctor asked. He will come Reinette, I swear to you. He doesn't break his word. That's not the kind of man he is. He will save you."

She looked at him, noticing easily his wording as they knew each other too well not to notice such vital things. "Will he not rescue you as well? Take you back and await from here?"

Putting his hands in his pockets - a habit he still had, even after all these years - Y/n looked away from her. "May I ask you something? A favor? Something very important to me?"

"Of course," Reinette agreed earnestly.

"When he comes," Y/n began. "Do not tell him of me. Not unless he asks." Reinette was going to argue, but then seemed to see the importance of the second bit and hesitated only a second before nodding. That was when the mechanical men came for her. They took her, and forced Y/n to stay, holding him at needle point in a threat. Reinette assured him that she'd be okay, because the Doctor would come. So Y/b stayed in the room and listened to the door lock, letting him know he was all alone with no way out until this whole thing was over.

So he sat. And he waited.

Until the door opened again, and he ducked for cover just in case. It was not the clockwork men... it was however, the Doctor, who he was just as eager to hide from.

"It's not a replica," Reinette was saying. "It's the exact same one. I had it moved here, and was stern about it being kept in exact detail." She left out the fact that Y/n had suggested it, which made him realize the Doctor had yet to ask about him.

"The fireplace," the Doctor cooed, smiling at the memories the thing brought up. "When did you do this?"

"Many years ago," Reinette answered. "In a hope that a door once opened may be opened again." Y/n pressed into the wall, wishing he could leave. He didn't want to be here for this. "One never quite knows when one needs ones Doctor. Or his friend."

"I'm sorry that Y/n didn't come with me." Y/n tended against the wall. "He was on the other side when I jumped through. Good thing though - he'll be able to get the other two home. So there's that." Wait what?

Reinette hummed in thought. "They are trapped there without at least one of your there?"

The Doctor paused. "Well, yes..."

Without leaving him room to answer, Reinette pressed on. "The mantle appears undamaged. Do you think it'll still work?"

"You broke the bond with the ship when you moved it," the Doctor told her. "Which means it was off line when the mirror broke- probably what saved it. But..." he suddenly moved to the mantle, taking out his screwdriver. It was a sight for sore eyes, and Y/n couldn't handle it. He slipped away, out of the room and away from the Doctor and the mantle and the woman who had become his best friend.

Reinette joined him after a while. "He's gone again, our Doctor." She sighed. "He said he would back in just a moment but..."

"That's The thing with time windows," Y/n sighed. "Time is a fickle thing. Passes different only one side than the other. Seconds to him..."

"Years to us." Reinette nodded. She hesitated a while then turned to Y/n. "Why did you hide? He didn't ask for you because he thinks you're on the ship."

Y/n watched the stars outside, thinking about a life where he'd never see them again. It was a terrible thought. "At first it was jealousy and insecurity. A stupid thing I suppose, but it was meaningful then. The way he loves even people he's just met. The way he loves, but still feels lonely because he refuses himself any joy, even to allow others to love him. It scared me. That say you said he was lonely... you know he shouldn't have been though. He had me, and Rose."

"She won't be around forever," Reinette pointed out.

"But I will." Y/n's voice was raw. "But that wasn't even really the point... I don't know, I just thought- I thought love was a hard thing, so I avoided it for years. It came slow to me - far slower than most people. As much slow to me as it comes fast to the Doctor. I've loved two people my entire life, and now I'm staring eternity in the face with only the possibility of a happy ending with one. And... he's so strange. He's not human, and he's consumed by this loneliness that makes him so hard on the inside. So far away. No matter how far I reach, he is always out of my grasp. I can know, but I do not understand. It puts things between us. I mean- we'd never do well in this life. This slow life. He rarely ever kisses me, and sometimes he ignores me altogether, because he values knowledge above all else and is terrified of love, as much as I used to be." He looked at Reinette again. "What if I'm not meant to be with them? People question my never waning age here, but otherwise I do very well. He would do well without me, just fine. But I will suffer without him. It makes me feel pathetic."

Reinette was quiet a long time. "It is hard for a human to love an angel. I can't imagine playing at having that love returned, never quite sure of how real it is or much it will stick or how long it will last. Playing at a dream, hoping to delay the time until you wake up."

Y/n sighed. "He'll be back one day. Perhaps I will know the answer then."

So they waited, both of them. They waited so long. So many years for such a long time that Reinette died before the Doctor came back. When he did, Y/n stood outside in a suit in the rain, watching the carriage go with her body inside, heading off to be buried. Y/n watched, and he decided that after all these years this was the moment that proved to him all the pain and insecurity and hesitation and not being quite sure was all worth it. The danger didn't matter. Neither did the slight loneliness. Because when one loves an angel, and that glorious being dared attempt to return such affection, even a little bit was worth it. It would be the best love Y/n ever experienced, and that would be enough.

When Y/n came inside, the Doctor was waiting for him. "You've been here all this time?" Y/n nodded. "How long?"

Y/n slipped his hands in his pockets. "I had been here eight years when her 37th birthday. Now she's a little over 40 so... somewhere between ten and twenty years?"

The Doctor hesitated. "Do you prefer it here?"

Y/n looked around. "No." He looked back. "I did have a long time to think though. I... I know a lot about you, Doctor. And you far less so about me. I know that we rushed things, You me and Rose. I understand if you need to take a step back. I don't want you to feel like we have to do anything, or be anything. I-" he sighed. "I don't want you to feel lonely with me around. I just want to be what you wish for, so that you may not feel lonely anymore. Loneliness - it's a terrible feeling."

After a second, the Doctor smiled. "I haven't seen you in so many hours, and for you it's been a decade and a half - give or take. And after all this time, what you've come to realize about your life is that you like this life of ours? Danger and confusion and guessing and all? Me, and my nonsensical ways? You'd chose that over this, and to have it you'd be anything I asked you, even if it meant sacrificing your own feelings?"

"I suppose that's what love is," Y/n shrugged. "Willing to help you be happy, even if it's not with me."

That made the Doctor shake his head, even as he continued giving a small smile. "She told me you were jealous of her. How you were I have no idea. I'd rather have you and Rose at my side any day. Though..." his smile wavered. "I do wish I'd been able to show her just one star up close."

Y/n nodded. "I wish you'd been able to as well."

The Doctor approached Y/n, taking his hand. "So. Back to the TARDIS then?" Y/n nodded. "You can only come if you come as my lover though." He said in with an airy voice, sounding a little like how Reinette used to refer to the King.

It made Y/n chuckle, softly. The fact he could find amusement on such a sorrowful day was quite wonderful. It's what Reinette would have wanted. "Of course, Doctor. I'd have it no other way." So they did go back, and for now, that was the end of it.

-

Story Tags: @shoochi @e-reads-fics

Male reader tags: @sheepfather​

[keanureevesisbae]

So Henry, you want to start a YouTube channel? - Prologue

Summary: Twenty five year old YouTuber Sandy Choi has no idea that one of her five million subscribers is the one and only Henry Cavill. When he asks her to help him out with starting his own YouTube channel, she falls more and more in love with her. But she should’ve known that dating one of the most desirable bachelors, does come with a prize. 

Henry Cavill x Sandy Choi (ofc)

A/N: What does one do when finding a new obsession with a celebrity? In my case, you write a fanfic series about it... and create an entire YouTuber including a channel introduction. Oops. If you want to be on the taglist for this one (I figure the people on my taglist for Keanu Reeves stories don’t want to be included on this one - if i figured wrong, let me know), please tell me and I’ll add you on it. 

Wordcount: 1.3k

Masterlist // Channel introduction // Chapter 1 

It has been about three months since Henry Cavill stumbled upon Sandy Choi’s YouTube channel and he is thanking the YouTube algorithms every single day for recommending it to him. He was surprised that he never heard about her before, since her channel is pretty big and well known, but maybe he is too old to keep up to date with YouTubers nowadays.

He binge watched her videos, watching clips from her from three years ago when she started her channel. Seeing her grow from a twenty two year old college student, to a successful YouTuber and young adult author, impresses Henry. He felt like he didn’t have his life together at that age at all and she seems so at ease. She has achieved great thing so far and watching her vlogs, helps him take his mind off his own life and the stress that sometimes comes with it.

He has a YouTube account, but only uses it to be subscribed to her channel and liking her videos. He doesn’t want to miss any of her updates on her channel. Henry is plopped on his couch, cuddling with Kal when he gets a notification.

Sandy Choi has uploaded a new video. Without thinking twice he opens the YouTube app on his iPad. He shouldn’t be this obsessed with a twenty five year old YouTuber, but it’s something about her aesthetic, about her calm way of talking and how she takes the viewers with her. It’s like being there with her and God, does he want to spend some time with her, even if she is just editing a new video, her book or is taking them with her during photoshoots.

The video loads and he gives it a thumbs up before the video has even started. Kal places his head on Henry’s lap, sighing deeply, as if the big fur ball knows that his owner will not give him any attention for the next fifteen minutes.

The slow song fills his living room, as he watches her introduction. They’re all snippets of today’s vlog, since he has never seen the footage before. Seeing her smiling in the camera, makes his heart flutter.

He feels like a teenager again, with the way he has this permanent grin plastered on his face, every time she posts things and he watches the entire video.

‘It’s the first of July,’ Sandy says, as she is sitting in front of her mirror, trying to fix her hair. Her make-up is all set and done. It’s very minimal, like usual, but with a brighter pink lipstick. ‘And that means in three days it’s the Fourth of July and I won’t be spending it in LA.’

Henry looks at his phone, to see that this was filmed two days ago. With the lighting speed she edits, he often wonders if she has some sort of magic powers.

‘It’s pretty weird actually,’ Sandy continues, ‘not to spend time with family on the Fourth. I moved here about seven months ago and ever since I stepped a foot in London, my parents have been sending me some serious threats about how I should fly back to LA on the Fourth of July. My birthday, Thanksgiving, they don’t care about that, weirdly enough.’

Henry lives in London, but he has yet to bump into her. He recognizes the places she visits and when he visits them, he never sees her, though he keeps his eyes out, praying for her to be there. God, he wishes he would just bump into her, though he has no idea what to say to her. Hi there, I’m Henry Cavill and I’m obsessed with your videos? He’ll probably scare her away.

He watches the entire vlog intently, as Sandy is taking the viewers with her for a stroll in the park, a nice cafe that he now wants to visit and eventually she goes to the dance studio.

She is a great dancer and he sometimes wonders why she’s not doing anything with it. The way she moves her slender body and knows how to control it, is absolutely mesmerizing. She posted a few dance covers on her channel, but she’s always alone. Never dancing with someone. He wonders if she comes up with these dances herself, whether or not she is free styling.

The video is almost over, yet he doesn’t want it to be over. She could make vlogs that are twenty four hours long, and he would watch it in one sitting. She’s crouched down in front of the camera, still in the dance studio, while she pulls out her hair tie, letting her long dark brown locks fall over her shoulders. ‘So,’ she says with a soft smile, ‘I’m sorry today was a pretty boring day. It’s just that I have been spending so much time editing my newest novel, that I just couldn’t read the last two chapters anymore, so I’ll be doing that tomorrow or later this week. I work ahead of schedule anyway, so I have some leverage. I just wanted to get a nice and quiet day in, so I’m going home now and maybe rewatch something on Netflix. I’m not in the mood for something new, since I have to focus on understanding the story, you know, so I think the Witcher will do for now. Haven’t had my fair share of Henry Cavill today.’

Henry can’t seem to focus on the last part of the vlog, where she wishes everyone a good day and the outro starts. She is going to rewatch the Witcher? Meaning, she has already watched it? She hasn’t had her fair share of him today?

What does that even mean?

And the way she said his name, he is going to die if he would rewatch that part.

Someone calls him and he picks up without looking. ‘Yeah?’ he says when he answers the phone, still living a bit on cloud nine.

‘For the love of God, man, you’re getting more and more impersonal every time I call,’ he hears his friend Jackson say from the other end of the line. ‘Where the fuck are you, man? We were supposed to meet each other like five minutes ago.’

Henry jumps up from his couch. ‘Crap, I forgot.’

‘Figured.’

‘I’ll be there in a second.’ He storms to the hallway, to find his running shoes, but he has to walk upstairs for them.

‘You’re always on time. What happened today?’

‘I was watching something.’

Jackson starts to laugh from the other side of the line. ‘Let me guess: a certain someone uploaded her newest vlog? Does her name start with an S and end with andy Choi?’

‘Very funny.’ Jackson was never supposed to find out about this guilty pleasure of his, but somehow Jackson did find out, like he always does. Sometimes Henry hates his friend, since he can read him way too well and pesters him afterwards.

‘Well, hope it was worth it,’ Jackson says. Henry can hear the smile in his voice and that means that he is going to mention this during their entire run.

Henry rushes outside after he slipped on his running shoes. ‘It was totally worth it,’ he says. Knowing he’ll tell Jackson anyways, he adds: ‘She said my name, you know.’

‘Shut up.’

‘I’m not,’ Henry says with a smile.

‘She honest to God said your name?’

‘Yeah and she is rewatching the Witcher.’ Henry can’t seem to get the permanent grin off his face. He hears her say it over and over in his head, visualizing it with the lovely smile on her face.

‘You need to fucking grow some balls, follow her on Instagram and slide into her DM’s. Everyone does that nowadays.’

‘I’m not going to do that.’

‘No, what you are going to do is bother me with questions like: “Why is she so pretty?” and “When am I going to run into her?”. Like I can answer those. It’s obvious that she is simply rewatching the Witcher because of the way you look. Everyone on earth is into you, why wouldn’t she?’

Henry clears his throat, before he says: ‘See you in three minutes.’

Taglist: @flhorah​

[lavenderek]

I Know What It's Like To Be A Difficult Person: an introspective

i rewatched a recent unhhh yesterday where someone asked trixie and katya how to deal with their annoying coworker before they flipped out on them. and trixie said, sympathetic of the annoying coworker, "annoying people don't know they're annoying. from their perspective their coworker just snapped at them one day." and i felt seen.

like ten years ago, i used to be facebook friends with this friend of a friend, and sometimes i would comment on her posts with goofy jokes just trying to be tongue in cheek, and she would usually like my comments or reply laughing

and one day i was at work and got a notification: one of her friends replied to a comment i had made fully like, "okay what is your problem? you always leave the meanest rudest comments on her posts and i'm sick of it, if you don't like her why are you still facebook friends with her, you need to stop"

you guys when i tell you i was blindsided. it was like someone had punched me in the gut. i don't at all remember any of the comments i made because it was a decade ago but also because i wasn't thinking about them as i made them, they were just funny offhand comments to me.

i responded apologizing and saying i had no idea i was coming across that way and promising i wouldn't comment anymore, like at the time i didn't know what else to do. and i remember she DMed me like "i'm sorry about him i didn't know he was going to say that, you don't have to stop commenting." and i answered saying it was ok, i didn't realize i was upsetting people, or something. but i still never did comment again, and she never brought it up again, and eventually i ended up unfriending her anyway lol

like i really had thought we were cool, i really thought it was a fun bantery thing. and like i said, i don't remember my comments but i do remember exactly where i was standing when i saw what he'd said. i still remember feeling the air sucked out of my lungs and i remember going into the bathroom at work and crying about it. i had never even wondered, i had never suspected for a second that anyone would be bothered by my comments. the thought had never crossed my mind.

real quick disclaimer: every time i say something on here about a memory i have, somebody shows up in my asks thinking i've been dwelling on and weeping over it for years, so: (1) it was a long time ago and i'm not upset about it, (2) i know "it's hard to judge blah blah blah through the internet," (3) i'm not really worried about what these people think of me, (4) i don't even remember their names.

i'm just thinking about how easy it is to make an enemy lmao. you come across like a dick and now somebody hates your guts. you can find out that someone you thought you were pals with has been venting about you to their other friends for fucking months (has happened to me more than once). i'm really not still upset about that facebook thing but i'd be lying if i said it didn't rock me to my core lmfao, it really changed me. i spent the next ten years trying to figure out how to tell if somebody secretly doesn't like me. i haven't figured it out yet but i have picked up some tips

like six years ago i had a friend i had thought i was super close to suddenly send me like two paragraphs listing my various transgressions, and i apologized, and she was like "it's ok, i got really worked up there, i understand if you don't want to be friends anymore." which, here's one of my hot tips, MEANT "now that i've blown up at you we can finally part ways," but which i took at face fuckin value and i said "no it's ok, you were just being honest," and my clown ass kept trying to be her friend and fix this accused behavior for months. and no, her ignoring my texts for longer periods of time did not clue me in. sorry [redacted]! (also i'm medicated now, so some of your concerns have been addressed, you have my number)

i even found out two years ago that one of my coworkers who i had never spoken to hated me specifically because one time i had been pulled into a meeting right when it was our team's turn to clean the kitchenette and she thought i'd just blown it off akhfksj. hated me. confirmed when i made friends with one of her friends. hated me. two years ago. i'm a grown person with a grown up office job. you never grow out of bizarre personal conflicts, you just learn to be like "welp" and reach a point where it doesn't hurt so much as confuse you lmfao

the morals of this post are the following:

annoying people don't know they're annoying

people with adhd can't read between your weird lines

if somebody lists all the reasons you have been a bad friend and then doesn't respond to your texts for three days, they're not just mad at you, that was them trying to break up with you lmfao

dealing with other people will always be difficult, but it won't always be devastating when it doesn't work out

also for this reason watching cracker in the last allstars was weirdly triggering to me lmfao everybody was like "is miz cracker playing mind games 🤔 " no dingdong she just said something she shouldn't have and wasn't able to change anyone's minds for the rest of the show please try assuming the best about people for two (2) seconds

[poes-and-things]

So after seeing a screen cap of Katniss and Peeta doing recon on the other tributes in Catching Fire with the caption “power couple”, I watched both Hunger Games and Catching Fire last night.

My opinions have changed a lot about this series over the years.  Probably due to the fact that I only read the books once.  To put in perspective: the first book was really good.  I absolutely loved it.  The concept was dark and interesting and 11 year old me was enthralled.  I remember reading Catching Fire in a day.  I didn’t leave my room that Sunday.  My parents thought I died.  The only other book I did that with that year was Life As We Know It (another apocalyptic book series that I highly recommend).  I hated the last book.

When the movies came out, my best friend dragged me to see them.  After reading Mockingjay, I wasn’t really excited to see any of those books on the big screen.  But I went and had mixed feelings.

Years later, I’ve rewatched them a couple times and I think back in April of 2020 I finally watched the 2nd part of Mockingjay.  Again, I have a lot of thoughts about this series, both in the books and on the big screen.  Here are the ones from last night.

First of all, Liam Hemsworth is a carbon copy of Chris Hemsworth and that’s really starting to bother me.  If I were to close my eyes, I wouldn’t be able to tell you who is who based solely on the sound of their voice.  It’s laughable to me that the MCU casting directors ditched one brother for literally a carbon copy; they do realize what they did, right?  Anyway, I think the only reason I liked Gale in the films when they first came out 9 years ago (how fucking old am I) was because I was obsessed with Chris Hemsworth, as every 14 year old straight white girl was.  Honestly, I think they could’ve cast someone better in that role.

Second.  In the books, I got real fucking frustrated with this Peeta vs Gale attention.  I remember reading Catching Fire and thinking “I don’t fucking CARE just fix the damn government”--this was something that was solved in the films.  During Catching Fire, we watch as the boys realize it’s not about romance because the world they live in doesn’t really allow them to have that, but it’s more about who gives you the strength to keep going.  And Peeta is that for Katniss, never Gale.

I love the twist that Suzanne Collins did with this relationship dynamic, making Peeta fucking useless and adorable while Katniss is a dangerous, sarcastic, snippy asshole.  I can’t stop laughing at how much Peeta reminds me of Marie from Aristocats constantly needing to be saved by others.  At least in Catching Fire.

In Hunger Games, the forced romance between Katniss and Peeta is incredibly uncomfortable.  JLaw did an amazing job making it come off as a cognizant and intentional choice to “fall in love with Peeta” versus something that Katniss actually felt.  This was something I didn’t pick up on at the movie theater when I was 14/15 years old.  Which makes the relationship she and Peeta build together in Catching Fire that much more pure and unique because that no longer was a cognizant choice for survival, it was a necessary choice.  And it happens when the “survival” definition changes as well--we go from physical survival in an arena of death to an emotional survival of tackling PTSD demons and threats from powerful regimes.

Sam Clafflin brought so much life to Finnick O’Dair that I actually cared about this character.  In the books, he was just a blip on my radar until the moment when he broadcasted Capitol secrets during the sting op to rescue Peeta.  But in the films, I would die for Finnick.  He deserved so much better.  So did Annie.

The costume and makeup department doesn’t get enough credit.  JLaw and Hutchinson literally look like children in the first movie.  It’s insane what makeup, lighting, and the right outfit can do to visibly change age perception.  I do think that the change in the second film is a little too much too quick, though.  It’s only meant to be like 6 months to a year after the first film.  In my experience, most kids don’t look 23 after a year of puberty.  It takes at least two or three years to get to that age point.

What else?  I feel like there was something else...

Oh.  Negotiation tactics.  Be like Katniss Everdeen.  Know what things you HAVE to have in life and fight like hell to get them.  In movie/book one, it was protect the sister and survive.  Accomplished, check.  In movie/book two, it was protect and save Peeta.  Only agree to things if it keeps Peeta alive.  All of her decisions are about and for him.  Granted, it didn’t fully work out in her favor, but she got everyone to drop everything in the next book/movie to rectify the situation.  A plus to Katniss Everdeen for sticking to her guns.  And she’s only 16 or 17 years old in these books.  If she can do it, you can do it.

Anyway.  This was a long post.  I might watch the other two films tonight.  Who knows.  Sometimes you just want to watch anxious teens murder each other for sport.  Especially when you don’t want to face your own emotions.

[thescorpioracer]

Sen Çal Kapımı 1 - Episode Recap

To be honest, this series of posts is mostly going to be a fashion roast. But DISCLAIMER! I really do love this show and Turkish TV in general, it’s just my preferred mode of media analysis is to pick things apart. 😂And I need everyone to know that I am very pro-women, and believe people should be able to dress how they want and not be judged for it or be looked down upon for it. But oh my god this wardrobe department/costumer needs to be STOPPED. I also have zero credentials to be talking about fashion, but will that stop me?

I’m going to make these posts assuming you’ve watched the show, and just comment on whatever comes up. There will be spoilers. Let’s go!

We start off with a voiceover from Eda Yıldız, an A+ romcom trope. (It wasn’t until my rewatch that I remembered that Eda used to do VOs at random intervals, and I’m kind of glad she stopped tbh.) She is a strong woman who wants to get her education and become a landscape architect/designer. She was all set to do that until- dun dun dun! - Serkan Bolat destroyed everything. 

Check out that dart board of a man (and this is the only time we see that photo there). And these outfits are probably the most normal and reasonable clothes she wears in the show. She’s a beautiful young woman, who was a college student, and now works outdoors as a florist. 10/10 outfit. 

Of course that transitions us into an epic slomo of Serkan exiting his private jet. He of course begins to berate his assistant on the phone in a way a friend described as reminiscent of The Devil Wears Prada.

@teamnick​​‘s commentary back when she first started the show. 

Serkan returns to his office for the first time in 2 months after working on business deals in London. Chaos ensues: Miranda Priestly is baaaaaaack.

See... here we have some good fashion choices! We meet the girls for the first time, while they try to sneak off to their graduation without making Eda feel bad that she won’t be receiving her diploma. Melek “Melo” is dressed in a sweet dress with a bold, romantic color, which captures her personality perfectly. Ceren, the rich daughter from a family of lawyers, looks a bit more high-fashion. The dress is short but it has long sleeves and no cleavage so it works out to be chic and elegant. Fifi is unapologetically herself with her full-black, punk wardrobe. Eda is again dressed in a pretty, but casual outfit. Nicely put together for her lower-middle-class lifestyle and her job as a florist.

Enter: the plot device to get our protagonists together. Serkan’s face says it all.

We are then introduced to the main couple’s respective cars. Serkan has his 2020 BMW (though the show blocks out the copyrighted branding) while Eda’s beat up SUV is clearly unreliable. What’s that? Another plot device being introduced? I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Also, I just noticed this, but for someone as uptight as Serkan, I’m surprised at how fun his suit jacket lining is. If I’m not mistaken the pattern is of a bunch of rainbow fish. #Snazzy, but they seem out of character?

Plot highlights:

Eda learns she can come back to school and finish her final year, but she’s lost her scholarship and will have to pay. She can’t.

Serkan gives his talk at the graduation (?)-- Is his talk just for architecture students? If so, why are Ceren, Fifi, and Melo there? We’ll never know. I know, I know... it’s all for the ~plot~

Eda calls Serkan out in front of everyone for taking away the scholarship that she earned from his company, Art Life. He is confused but unrepentant. She refuses to tell him her name.

She tries to deface his car with lipstick after keying the side (we never hear about the damage to his car after that). He catches her and wants to call the police, so she impulsively handcuffs them together with the plot devices from Selin’s wedding invitation sitting on his passenger seat.

They then have to go to Serkan’s urgent business meeting with an out-of-town client. Eda drives while they’re handcuffed together. Bickering ensues.

What is this? Foreshadowing? Symbolism?? Eda’s last name “Yıldız” is the Turkish word for “star” so... file that away for later.

One of my favorite parts about watching Turkish dramas is the experience of trying to decipher the fan translations. Add to the fact that Turkish only has 1 pronoun *chef’s kiss* 

Eda refuses to take the elevator to the 15th floor (we’ll learn about her claustrophobia later). Serkan is equally as stubborn, saying she owes  him for screwing up his day. But he has met his match in Eda with regards to stubbornness. They take the stairs.

More highlights:

First instance of fake dating - they need to hide the handcuffs from his client so Eda pretends she’s his girlfriend and a fellow investor.

The girls track Eda’s phone to the hotel and try to find her by asking around the premises. 

Eda charms the client into selling his land to Serkan.

We learn that Serkan is allergic to strawberries and has a lot of health anxiety. He’s a very tightly wound person.

Serkan says “Mashallah,” translator hears 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Engin brings way too many people to open the handcuffs and chaos ensues.

I feel like nothing can do justice to the comedy of 58:45 to 1:00:00 with Fifi using a bobby pin as a lock pick. The dramatic editing is 👌🏼

Leyla gets fired for somehow causing this drama??? And she is so happy to leave that stressful workplace omg, we don’t deserve her 🥺

Serkan and Eda go their separate ways, Eda prepared to never see her enemy again, but of course her phone and purse are still in his car so she has to go to his office at Art Life and confront him again.

Serkan has found out that Whoops, Art Life did cancel the study abroad scholarships to cut costs, but his CFO did it without telling him. And Serkan is pissed, but I think mainly about the fact that Eda did have some (SOME) grounds for yelling at him in public.

Leyla then explains the nonsensical reasoning behind her being fired-but-not-fired and still working. (Spoiler alert: she never goes anywhere and she is my favorite side character to this day).

Eda: “How can I piss Serkan off?” Leyla: “Find a mistake he’s made and he will fixate on it forever. But you won’t find anything.” Eda: “Hold my beer.”

Eda walks into Serkan’s office and his meeting. She gets her purse back and they fight about him not being willing to apologize for ruining her life and education. He refuses and says she owes him an apology for embarrassing him in public (no, dude).

He wants to give her back the scholarship and make it all go away but she rightly tells him that it won’t fix her broken pride from begging the company and her university for a second chance. But somehow her calling him a heartless “Robot” is what gets to him???? And he short-circuits. Eda walks out triumphant. 

~dRaMa!~

MEANWHILE

Melo, as well as being a perfume sales girl, also works as a flight attendant and wants Eda to cover her shift (we’ll get into how that doesn’t make sense in a minute) 

Eda says no, she’s going to meet her boyfriend, Cenk, who she hasn’t seen in months and has just returned from Italy.

Enter: Selin. Serkan’s ex who he dumped a while ago and is now engaged to the heir of a hotel empire. Serkan doesn’t like this. The two of them grew up together and are set to each inherit 50% of the holding company that Serkan’s father currently runs.

Right away Selin serves us with a gender reveal level color scheme.  Personally not a fan. They confirm that Serkan is coming to her engagement party tomorrow.

Meanwhile Eda  meets up with Cenk. Her outfit is still reasonable and cute for her character. He looks mildly like a hobo and doesn’t seem to have anything going for him (I know he’s a throwaway character but the two of them really don’t have anything in common).

This creeper keeps staring at them, but Cenk tries to explain it away and says he’s busy and can’t meet her again until the day after tomorrow. Eda is disappointed but accepts this. Creeper girl remains and remains a red flag to viewers, but apparently not to Eda.

Cut to later that evening, and of course our broody main man enjoys astronomy in his free time (???) idk what he’s charting and to what purpose but okay? 

Eda finds a mini first aid kit in her purse that Serkan put there before returning it. Queue montage of them treating their respective wrists for handcuff-related injuries. #couplegoals

Of course we also needed a sepia-toned flashback to earlier that day when the handcuffs contrived their faces to get too close together. #romance

Finallyyyyyyy it’s morning again and a new day.

Since Eda can’t see Cenk (good, he’s so boring), she agrees to fill in as a flight attendant for Melo, who’s side job is for a private plane company.

Now. This should not be a thing. Eda was in college to be a landscape architect and now works as a florist for her aunt... Where has she learned any relevant skills to work as a flight attendant?? Presumably nowhere. And I really don’t think a private plane company would be so easygoing about just having a random person fill in to cover for her friend? 

But does this show care about that? What do you think...

Also, instead of the standard white shirt, black skirt uniform requirements, the girls decide that this skimpy dress and heels is fine? Hmmm

Also lol @ Melo for assuming that the client who wants jasmine tea and fruit salad is probably a woman. And her telling Eda that the PRIVATE JET COMPANY would in fact have its own tea was very random and unnecessary. 

Back at the Bolat house compound, we meet the parents: Aydan and Alptekin. We’ll see them again later. Selin’s engagement party is today. 

Meanwhile Eda is just.... being a flight attendant, I guess??? And who could possibly be the passenger she has to take care of? Take a wild guess. Of course it’s Serkan Bolat.

And of course that tiny dress (THAT ALSO HAS A LEG SLIT?? WHY?? I really don’t need to see her vagina) looks very practical and professional... not! (Hande Erçel is a gorgeous human, and the dress looks good on her, don’t get me wrong. BUT THIS IS SITUATIONALLY INCORRECT ATTIRE). Also him just folding his vest and then social distancing from it... K? 😂

Eda panics and doesn’t want Serkan to see her and runs away back to her seat pod thing - Serkan takes issue with his fruit salad for ~plot reasons~ (EDIT: I’ve been informed that it’s because there was a strawberry in his fruit salad and since he’s allergic, of course it needed to be fixed. Why doesn’t the plane have a note of that??) and comes back to find this mystery flight attendant.

Eda is very stressed out about this encounter and is also starting to have a panic attack because, surprise, she’s also claustrophobic. 

After Serkan calms her down, they have a cute/civil conversation for the rest of the flight.

When they land, Eda realizes they’re on an island 2h45min away from Istanbul and she isn’t sure what to do with herself (How did she not already know where they were going, as the FLIGHT ATTENDANT??? So may red flags with this private jet company).

Serkan convinces Eda to come with him and she can hang out at the beach while he’s at Selin’s engagement party.

At the engagement party we finally meet Selin’s fiancé Ferit. He’s sweet and non-threatening and clearly insecure about Serkan being Selin’s ex.

This dress/skirt outfit Selin is wearing isn’t terrible, but it doesn’t scream rich socialite to me. Anything with feathers seems... a bit tacky/too showy? Like someone pretending to be rich? Idk, this outfit isn’t one I’m going to really take a stand on.

Does this engagement party warrant being a 2h45 min flight away? No. They try to explain it away as the couple wanting to have something small and private, even though they also invite the press?? But okay whatever, as long as Serkan and Eda cross paths again, I suppose.

Kaan Karadağ has been mentioned a couple times in passing, but now we finally meet our “villain.” Ferit’s friend, and Serkan & Selin’s childhood acquaintance, who has it out for Serkan bc he somehow bankrupted Kaan’s dad? Idk and I don’t really care but tl;dr they’re enemies. 

Another thing I love about Turkish dramas is the censoring. Like, they’ll allow alcohol to be on screen, but they won’t say the word and they’ll just blur out the bottle and any liquid that we’d assume is alcoholic 😂

In the evening, Serkan is tired and wants to leave and Ferit snidely jokes about how Serkan is too picky to have a fiancé of his own. Serkan flashes back to 1 entire day ago when he and Eda pretended to be dating at his business meeting, and says that actually he is engaged to someone and then peaces out.

Serkan finds Eda on the beach, and they are preparing to leave when a crowd of people (Selin, Ferit, and Kaan mainly), arrive to get a peek at Serkan’s new “fiancé.” Eda very reluctantly plays along (good thing she has that unnecessarily sexy “work” dress to help her look the part) and Serkan notices that for the first time ever, Selin is jealous of another woman. #drama

After they finally escape the crowd, Serkan makes an annoyed Eda an offer: Pretend to be his fiancé for the 2 months leading up to Selin’s wedding so he can get them to break up and prevent Ferit marrying into the company. In return, he will pay all the fees to help her complete her last year of studies in Italy.

Eda refuses, stating that she doesn’t want anything from him, and besides she has a boyfriend (Sure Jan; Cenk is such a joke). They have it out and then fly back to Istanbul. But of course the gossips at the engagement have spread the news of Serkan’s new woman so the paparazzi corner them at the airport when they land. 

So glad that we got to see this random mechanic find out the news (???)

They escape the cameras and Serkan takes her home, saying that Art Life has a press conference tomorrow, and she should come so he can save face and tell everyone that she was his assistant accompanying him for work to the party. Eda agrees. 

It should also be mentioned that Serkan still doesn’t know her name at this point?? She refused to tell him and Engin still hasn’t sent him the names of the scholarship candidates so it’s a bit miraculous that their relationship was at all believable.

The next day, Cenk wants to meet but Eda has to go to the press conference. The girls come too for whatever reason, and Melo is convinced that Cenk wants to propose. Eda just lets that fantasy take hold (why tho?), and Cenk shows up unexpectedly right before the press conference and takes Eda into the nearby hotel’s cafe so they can talk.

Eda seems ready for a proposal (they haven’t seen each other or really communicated in months??) but Cenk wants to break up. Eda is shocked (???) but then Cenk mentions that he has a new girlfriend from Italy that he adores, and oh by the way, it’s the creepy girl from the other night who also happens to be here right now?

Okay fine, I guess??? Cenk: “She’s doesn’t speak Turkish” Girlfriend: *clearly a Turkish actress*

Eda is upset that he brought his jealous girlfriend with him to break up with her and says something about how actually, she’s seeing Serkan Bolat now (maybe it’s just me being someone who doesn’t follow tabloids, but are business people really that popular in every day society where everyone knows who they are?). Cenk laughs at Eda, saying that everyone wants to be with Serkan Bolat, and that she’s bluffing.

Eda makes an impulsive decision, and walks away, over to where Serkan has started the press conference. And seals their fate as fake dating in the public eye.

Queue confetti. No really.

And there we have it. That’s the episode!

In all seriousness, it’s a pretty great pilot, especially for a romcom. It hits all the right beats, includes enough tropes, and tells us a lot about what we should expect in the episodes going forward. And no matter how much I make fun of it, I really do enjoy this show! It’s been such a nice distraction from Current Events. I’ve spent a lot of time watching these episodes just saying “oh my god” out loud to myself as I watch all of the cute/romantic gestures that give me a lot of second hand embarrassment (I forget that PDA makes me kinda uncomfortable 😂).

There wasn’t actually that much terrible fashion in this episode, which I didn’t notice until my rewatch. If I continue with this series of posts, I’m hoping they’ll end up being less plot-centric, and more about the situationally inappropriate outfits and strange subtitling choices. 

See you next time?