#I should’ve ended everything in 2020 like I was supposed to

[tellie-vision-art]

Oh yeah while I’m being suicidal and making announcements and since it’s relevant kinda bc I’m updating refs: I’m only doing revenges and maybe attacking mutuals on Art Fight this year, I had a terrible time last year and I’m not putting myself through that disappointment again

[usergreenpixel]

JACOBIN FICTION CONVENTION MEETING 35: THE QUEEN’S FORTUNE (2020)

1. The Introduction

Well, hello there, Citizens! Neighbors too, since we have a figure who is interesting for both communities. Welcome back to the convention! Please leave weapons by the door cause you will need them later, take your seats and enjoy tea with tricolor cupcakes!

So, Allison Pataki is an author who will definitely become my nemesis in the future, considering her less than stellar work with this particular book (more on that later). Now, I knew from the ever so blunt (but lovely) @maggiec70 that it would be a bad book with about as much accuracy as your average conspiracy theory, but… BOY WAS I UNPREPARED!

The book turned out to be not bad. Not even mediocre. It’s straight up garbage fit only for wiping one’s ass when toilet paper runs out. Don’t believe me? Well, let’s dive deeper into this mess, shall we?

(By the way, I couldn’t find it online for free due to copyright but owners of Audible accounts can purchase the audiobook or you can pay for an ebook.)

2. The Summary

The book tells a story of Napoleon’s first fiancée, one Desirée Clary. She later would become the wife of Marshal Bernadotte and Queen of Sweden, whose descendants rule the country to this day.

Quite a fascinating story, if you ask me! Also, shoutout to @tairin for introducing me to Bernadotte as a historical figure (she is my guide to the Napoleonic era in general too). And to Maggie for bringing this novel to my attention.

Okay, the premise is interesting and extraordinary, isn’t it? But let’s see what the execution is!

3. The Story

Right off the bat, the story reeks of multiple inaccuracies (in both Frev and Napoleonic departments) worse than roadkill in summer heat. Inaccuracies that range from details (such as getting the year of convents closing wrong) to things that could’ve been avoided with one google search (such as Code Napoleon’s date or the timeline of Joseph’s rule of Naples). Also the usual Thermidorian bullshit with evil Robespierre and MODERATE THERMIDORIANS (because a group that includes war criminals is DEFINITELY MORE MODERATE THAN ROBESPIERRE AND CO, AMIRITE?!)

I know I usually don’t review media based on accuracy, but anyone with any knowledge about the topic (like me) risks getting a severe case of a broken brain from everything wrong in the book. This ended up hurting my immersion into the story because I had the urge to scream at my screen the entire time.

Another thing that hurts the narrative is the length. Personally, I found the story really overstayed its welcome and should’ve ended sooner, like after Desirée becomes Queen. But no, it drags on afterwards and the last chapters are basically filler, even more so than the rest of the book (which is a giant bore). The pacing just drags on like an old horse in slow mo.

(The story begins in 1789 and ends in 1860, for a reference.)

Last but not least, there is a very unnecessary and not accurate at all sex scene un the beginning of the book. Not only is that scene completely unnecessary for the story, but it also completely breaks suspension of disbelief and just makes the characters come off as modern cosplayers, not the people they’re supposed to be.

(For those in the back: DESIRÉE NEVER FUCKED NAPOLEON!!)

Okay, moving on!

4. The Characters

Bland. Most of them are blander than the BRAT diet.

Desirée Clary is the worst offender when it comes to characters feeling too modern, since the book is told from her perspective. She’s also a flat character and a bit too omnipresent when it comes to being at important events, even before her marriage to Bernadotte. We also don’t learn much about her as a person so there’s no reason to sympathize with her. Personally, I just didn’t care about her. She’s supposed to be someone who becomes a grown strong person throughout the story but we don’t see much character development to reflect this.

Napoleon Bonaparte is a bit more complex but that bar is low anyway. He definitely has his moments when he’s a jerk but can be a romantic. Also he kisses Desirée without her consent in the book during a game similar to Hide and Seek. Yeah, I wish I was kidding but he’s basically sexually assaulted her in that scene. Other than that, not much to see here either.

Josephine Bonaparte is more complex but still bland and almost saintly at times. Her flaws are severely downplayed or omitted.

The Bonaparte sisters are all catty cunts outright compared to the Furies in the book. Letizia suffers the same fate.

Joseph Bonaparte is a loyal brother and a nice man.

Julie is the doting big sister.

Bernadotte is a loving husband and an ardent Jacobin who has “Death to Kings” tattooed on his chest in the book. Yeah, that old chestnut that is actually nothing more than a myth.

And so on. It’s like a show with cardboard cutouts in lieu of a story with good characters.

5. The Setting

Some descriptions are quite vivid, especially when it comes to Malmaison, but that’s about the only good thing I can say about this book.

6. The Writing

Hoo boy… Remember how I said that the characters feel like cosplayers from modern times? Well, Desirée (in the book) uses gems like “I rooted for her”. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure a bourgeois woman from that time wouldn’t know such words.

The dialogue in the book is mediocre due to the blandness of the characters and Pataki probably not giving two shits about delivering a good book, despite the fact that she is from a very rich and influential family and could’ve easily obtained access to all the research.

But hey, what do I know?

7. The Conclusion

Don’t read this book. Really, just don’t waste your time. I’m disappointed that the author took a good concept for a novel, wiped her ass with it and served the results in novel form.

I have my issues with that 1954 movie about Desirée, but, compared to THIS, that movie is a flawless masterpiece and at least there I felt some sort of way about Desirée as a character. Here, on the other hand, I just don’t give a shit, which is about the worst thing an author can achieve.

Anyway, to fit the theme of an extraordinary person the author was going for, here’s the promised song.

I hope you enjoyed the review and the song. Thank you for joining me today at the Jacobin Fiction Convention and stay tuned for future reviews!

Love,

- Citizen Green Pixel

[watdasigmaa]

Triden & Kamalia

“MAGA! MAGA! MAGA!” Trump smiled as he waved to the crowd who aimlessly deepthroated every word he said. “This way Mr. Former President.” His security team called as the rally came to an end. Her hands quivered as she tightly held onto her phone behind her back. Their eyes meet, cold gazes were exchanged between the two. “Leave us.” Trump says to the men in black suits who surrounded the two. As the last guard fills out of the room Melania goes to speak; Trump cuts her off. 

“Why do you even bother to show up?”

“W- what do you mean? I’m your wife after all, shouldn’t I be here to show my suppor-”

Trump, avoiding looking into her eyes, “cut the bullshit. I see the way you look at her.”

“You know you really have always been able to read me like an open book.” Melania chuckled.

“I wish I didn’t have to. I don’t understand why you can’t just be a loyal and faithful first lady-”

“Oh cut the bullshit. Don’t act all innocent. I see the way you look at him.” 

“What? What are you talking about?”

“You know I heard you two. That day you got shot. The second you got backstage he was so quick to call you. I heard you talking with that sweet voice you never use on me. That sweet, sweet voice.”

“Shut up! I should’ve divorced your ass years ago! The second I lost the 2020 presidency!”

“Oh please. You couldn’t divorce me if you wanted to. After all, who would vote for a president who doesn’t even have a wife? Let alone one who’s having an affair with his wife just to see the one man whos supposed to be his only rival.”

“He’s different! He’s not like anyone else I’ve had to go against before!”

“Tch. Pathetic.” Melania scoffs as she clutches her phone in her hand behind her back with her earbuds twirled around her fingers with a green light illuminating.

“Pathetic? Me? Why don’t you show us all what exactly you’re hiding behind your back then.”

Melania hesitated, Trump knew he stuck a nerve. She slowly pulled her phone out from behind her back.

“Fine, I have nothing to hide. Just listening to some music, can I not do that?” Melania says as she shows the man her phone screen. 

“You know its funny, I never took you as a fan of the brat album. This wouldn’t have anything to do with ‘her’ right?”

“O- of course not? I’m just trying to experiment with new music.”

“Pathetic.” Trump says as he walks past her towards the exit before stopping at the door. “You know, you’ll never be julia.”

Melania bites her lip, holding back tears, as the door shuts as Trump exits the room. Her knees hit the floor as she clutches the green album close to her chest, sobbing on the cold bare floor as she thought to herself, if only she could feel the warmth of that dashing blazer she’d once felt before.

A buzz vibrates the phone in her hand. A text from her, Kamala. “Hey Julia :)”

..

..

..

The day Trump got shot

*30 minutes before Trump’s rally*

“Joe you know this isn’t fair, this presidency is tearing us apart.”

“So what! What would you rather have me do Donald? Give all of this away? For what? A little side relationship I could find anywhere?”

Trump, taking a step back, “you.. you dont mean that.”

“Tell you what Donald, we could’ve had a good life together! Fucking real good life! Had us a place of our own. But you didn’t want it Donald! So what we got now is a president rivalry! Everythings built on that! That’s all we got boy fucking all. So I hope you know that even if you don’t know the rest. You count the dam few times we have been together in nearly twenty years and you measure the short fucking leash you keep me on and then you ask me about Mexico and tell me you’’ll kill me for needing something i dont hardly never get.” (brokeback mountain copyright claims)

“You’ll never find anyone who can love you like I can.”

“Oh yeah? We’ll see about that then. Good luck with your shitty ass campain.” Biden yelled as he shut on Trumps face, leaving him, tears streaming down his face.

Trump wiped the tears from his face. “Fine. If that’s what he wants then so be it.”

..

..

..

BAM!

Trump fell beneath the podium with his fist held in the air. He knew he was a fighter. An assasination attempt and the love of his life breaking his heart was a little too much for this fighter as a tear streamed down his cheek. Quickly wiping it away, he won’t be so easily affected by such trivial matters anymore. He was going all in for this president election, going mad even.

Biden felt something was off, something was wrong. He was in trouble, no, something more important, his love was in trouble. His face flushed white at the news as he scrambled for his phone to call him, Donald. No answer. Nothing went through his head but regret. Is he okay? Why did I shut on him? Is this really the end? No. While it might be selfish, he wouldn’t an end like this. He put on his coat and immediately headed to his private jet. 

“Where to Mr. President?”

Biden knew he’d be in trouble with his security team for acting so rashly and not thinking about himself, but at this point? He didnt care. “To him.. To Trump- no.. to Donald.” 

..

.. 

..

The rain began to pour, Biden was thinking the worst. “Please.. just let him be okay.” The pilot overhearing, “Did you say anything Mr. President?” Biden, thinking, “Please, call me Joe.” 

..

Biden burst into the room to be met with Trump, cold and dripping wet in rain with no emotion glaring down Biden. “Out.” Biden says to his guards. “Donald I-” Trump, cutting him off, “save it.” “I’m sorry I was wrong an- your ear..” Biden said as he gently caressed his face. Trump was weak to his touch, only his soft old wrinkly hands could hold his face so gently. “It- It’s fine.” Trump tried to explain. “No, no its not fine, this isn’t right and this shouldn’t be happening.” Biden said as he quickly bandaged his ear up. “Donald, I’m dropping out of the race.” Trump’s eyes widended “what? You can’t drop out, this is all you’ve ever wanted!” Biden corrected him, “No Donald, this is all I ever thought I wanted. But all this made me realise, all I’ve ever really wanted was you.” Biden says as he dozes into Trump’s blue eyes with a hand running through his strawberry blond hair that smelt weirdly like sardines, but to Joe, that’s exactly what made it so charming. Trump began to sob into Joe’s neck as they both thought, maybe can work out after all.

..

..

..

After Trump and Melania had finished their confrontation, Trump immediately rushed to Biden to let him know that Melania knew about their relationship. “Donald take it easy, who cares if they know? We know about their situation too so does it really matter? Plus, the public is bound to find out sooner or later, as long as its past the election than it should’t matter. I mean just look at your last rally, everyone was out there parading with bandages on their ear Donald. You do remember that day dont you?” Trump laughed, “Of course I remember Joe, you rushed to me and wrapped a bandage around my ear.” “Exactly, if anything all these people with bandages are simply a symbol of our love. Trust me, we’ll be fine.” Trump decided to allow himself to believe him, in hope.

..

..

..

“Its like they say, if you have something to say, say it to my face.” Kamala says as she wraps up the end of her rally. Heading backstage to talk to her cunty bff Megan thee Stallion. “I just cant help but hate him a little. Seeing the way he treats her just makes my blood boil. I just wish there was more I could do.” She complained. “Girl go get your man! I mean woman! Ahh and if the beat live ahh real hot girl shit ahh!” Megan said. “Thank you Megan! I think I get what you mean! If I simply allow Trump to continue mistreating Melania instead of taking a chance and confessing my love she’ll never see her own worth and begin to feel like maybe she deserves to be in such a harmful relationship and I’ll never get the chance to be with her after all!” Megan nodded and twerked out of the room. “I know what I have to do.” Kamala said as she began to prepare for her and Trump’s next debate. 

To be continued.

[skeezybeatz88]

With March coming to an end, I feel at ease sharing my monthlong thoughts. I make sure to brace myself whenever March comes around. For whatever reason, this month has brought significant life events. Some good moments, some bad, some scary and some that had an impact that I didn’t fully comprehend until years later.

I’m still dealing with the effects of my “March moments.” I’ve made lifestyle changes for some things. It’s helped and I’m happy but I do slip up from time to time. I’ve adjusted my view on hitting milestones and life events. I was putting unrealistic expectations on myself, the environment and those around me. It took awhile to understand that I don’t have to control as much as I thought I did. I won’t say it was a relief or a weight off my shoulders because, by nature, I am a control freak. I’m self aware, if nothing else.

March was also the month where things closed down back in 2020. The pandemic caused a shift that I’m still trying to recover from. The entire world experienced it together but we all have different stories on how it impacted our personal lives. I still don’t have the words to express what that period of time meant without rambling. I will say that it really fucked with my concept of time. I was hopeful and eager to experience things before March 2020 and now everything feels routine despite my best efforts to do things out of the ordinary. There’s a missing piece somewhere for sure and I haven’t been able to make the connection on what it could be. Still trying tho.

The last four years left me frozen in time in some ways. I still feel like I’m the age I was in 2020 even though I’m very much not that age anymore. That should’ve been the time for big moves in life. It was in some ways but not for the things I had planned. A lot of life happened in that time. I sometimes forget the specifics until someone mentions it. I should’ve celebrated the wins a little more.

March wasn’t always gloom and doom tho. There were new, fun and exciting times also had during this month. I cherish those moments. I think that’s why I’m so conflicted with it. It’s seen some of my best but also much more of my worst. I don’t want to carry the heaviness of March forever. Next year I’ll do a better job of adding good memories to this month.

In other not-so-existential news, I want to get out of the country for a bit. It’s been so long since I’ve traveled somewhere new. I have two places in mind and if I can make them both happen, it’d be nice. I told my trainer we have x-amount of time to hit my goal. He told me I had to cut out the bread and Taco Bell to truly lock in. lmao Still debating if it’s worth it. jk but fr I get my InBody Scan on Monday so that’ll really start the clock. I was supposed to get it done this morning but I texted him to reschedule for the 1st. I’ve been pushing it off for about a month now tho so can’t back out now. Summer’s close and I want to challenge myself.

That’s it for now.

xf 03.30.2024

[mvillamemoirs]

sept 2020 unloading continued.

Wednesday, September 30th, 2020

-Danny brought me food and coffee this morning. My head is pounding like crazy- very hungover darnit. Went to work, i believe I was still somewhat drunk. It’s Dr Hoffman’s birthday, saw myself crash with energy towards the end. Headache grew more intense, Dr McMurray doesn’t want me to go home. So envious of steph that she has that luxury to call out, i should’ve too as I was completely irresponsible.

-Tried to do deliveries with steph, just tired overall. As we got to downtown san jose, i’m so tired of seeing druggies and homeless folks. I pity them, but I just feel stuck being left alone, and looked at like a target.

-So ready to go home and sleep. I think I may reschedule my therapy appointment tomorrow since i feel symptoms of being burned out.

Tuesday, September 29th, 2020

-Test is today, I have 2 hours. I should unwind and review my study sheet for it. I don’t feel as confident, but trying to minimize my anxiety. Sucks that it’s been so long with school that I don’t have an effective method of studying down. Ugh, update- that test started to irritate me once it got to the lab part. I don’t think 3.5 hours of testing back to back is effective. I just feel stressed that we’re getting tested with realistic images versus how lecture and lab meetings normally went through the book. I just have to let it go.

-Work was good for the duration of the shift. It always goes by fast, but I was still dwelling over my test. My irritation seems pretty high today. 

-Went home, relieved I didn’t have any homework due this week for anatomy, went to go hang out with steph as she did deliveries. We ended up drinking a 4loko for old sakes, talked about jerome, danny, and everything overall. I’m so happy that it’s working out with her and Jerome despite mine and his history. It seems like a perfect fit and I’m happy for her!

-She came back to my house, we finished the wine bottle that’s been chillin in my fridge since July. Felt like everything was spinning by bedtime. Danny is at work, and it made me just miss him. The most cigarettes i’ve smoked in a while!!

Monday, September 28th, 2020

-Very productive at work. Towards the end, I kept thinking I should've called out since I have a test tomorrow. I feel very super anxious about it. Oh, Anatomy.

-Energy pretty darn on point and feeling very motivated that I’m understanding material. 

-Wondering if i’ll be enough for Danny with our existing conflicting work schedules, schoolwork, and now even more school with NHI starting soon. I just have to remind myself to go with the flow, focus on my priorities.

 Sunday, September 27th, 2020

-Woke up at Dannys house. I feel uneasy. Had 2 mimosas before coming into Lokahi. Mom was giving me crap for not vacuuming after my dog. Responsibilities that I suppose I’ve been neglecting.

-Remembered it was Awet’s birthday, i miss hanging out!!

Saturday, September 26th, 2020

-I can totally see me and Danny living with each other. Things went smooth today. Had him over in the morning, made breakfast at my house, and changed his oil. Nala really loves him.

-Study bug bit me deep. Eustress. Studied a lot today, and am really enjoying having today off to get time to myself.

-I find myself falling for Danny more. I’m seeing a pattern where I'm relying on him a lot again, and I hate that feeling. I also find myself questioning, do I really have feelings for him or if I’m just settling. He hardly tells me how he feels, I don’t know what to expect, and don’t like to feel vulnerable and have my guard down for anyone. I don’t know how serious he is about me, I want to know, but am okay with not knowing.

-More cars on the road, traffic blows.

-Thinking about how much i have on my plate- school, work, court thing.

Friday, September 25th, 2020

-Super excited at work, energy is high and so is productivity. Making efforts to plan out studying over this weekend as I do have an anatomy course. Also thinking about if I’m enough for Danny if whatever this is will proceed moving forward.

-Had anxiety about making dinner, went with him to help a friend fix her tire. It’s interesting that he has many friends that are females, but again, I have to remind myself not to push things and just let it go. Ate pizza with him, slept at his house.

-Random thoughts of the day is that I’m seeing less of steph, I should be branching out my social circle, too, but i feel like school is taking over.

Thursday, September 24th, 2020

-Woke up from Danny’s house. He’s so handsome. I like cuddling with him. Not sure if it’s my period, but I feel strong feelings towards him and feel like I don’t get the same in return as much. I start to feel insecure like he’s doing something else suspicious, but know it’s just me. He’s busy and I respect his grind, it just motivates me to do the same with the time I have, and go from there.

-Went home and tried to knock a lot of chores before class started. I vacuumed, did a load of laundry, changed the bed sheets, made breakfast and swept the floors. Also brushed Nala to bond with her and deshed her since her fall coat is coming in.

-Looking over the past few days, not smoking an entire cigarette in one sitting is helping me to wean off of them. I fell off and started to smoke in my car again, as well as in my backyard. My midback has been feeling sore a lot. The adjustment helped yesterday, but I really think it’s my poor desk set up with online school work and at work. 

-Went to work, did a lot of cleaning up, not so much production with getting notes for a patient out. Luckily patient time ended early today.

Wednesday, September 23rd, 2020

-Work has been bothering me all day today. I think it’s my boss’ misdirection or frazzled mentality this morning and Milenna’s attitude. I do see a difference when my boss doesn’t make time to complete his reports, and messes with the schedule and patient flow. 

-Came home for lunch by habit and caught up with Meilani. It was nice to see what’s going on with her. Shared the idea of moving in with Danny, she’s looking at bigger apartments with Dru, and she pops the question of me filling mom in on the idea. Told her not yet, because this is just step one- just browsing, but did make me realize how I should go on about it when it comes to telling my Mom about it.

-Came home, read for my psych class, getting caught up but need more time to myself to read and study for both psych, and mainly Anatomy.

-Hung out with Danny and his cousin at night time, felt like I shouldn’t because of my schoolwork, but I did miss spending time with him so why not. Hanging out with Danny just made me realize I’m getting dependent on him to be around. I don’t like having that type of mentality, even though it feels good to feel wanted. Like what are we? I’d like to know where this is going, but again I’m just going with the flow and don’t want to put myself through any more things that I’m already invested in. ALSO, if I’m struggling with things now, it’s only going to get crazier when massage classes start.

Tuesday, September 22nd, 2020

-I feel like the busiest of all bees. I was very productive this morning. Walked Nala, took her to her post spay check up, had class, and went to work. Luckily my energy was up there, and I kept the ball rolling with catching up on reading and class work. Coming home from work just made me realize that this Anatomy class is a ton of work with 5-6 assignments due twice a week.. . .and this is just one class!

-Started to look at apartments, yesterday morning just made me realize how things are getting close to pre-covid times- ie traffic. I don’t like traffic at all, like where all these cars and crazy drivers come from as Santa Clara County isn’t full on open yet. It was nice having a ghost town while it lasted.

-Zarinah hit me up saying to visit her out in Philly for Halloween. I’m tempted, but don’t want to fall off from my schoolwork, travel with COVID still occurring, and spend money when I have other priorities to pay off.

Monday, September 21st, 2020

-I don’t like how coworkers bring their outside funk into the office- or just in general. It’s not preferable for me to dumb down my energy or be around weighed-down vibes when I’m not vibrating ar that level. I feel like that’s something that should be checked out at the door and be placed privately. Misery really loves company I guess.

-Work went really well, vibes were high in the back office, I really have no complaints at this rate.

Sunday, September 20th, 2020

-Super excited for Danny to get back to town, bummed I still have to work until 3pm, and he works graveyard. I like this slow pace that we’re in. It’s like we’re re-kindling the flame at a slower, cautious pace. I just hope if we were to move forward again, that we’re enough for each other despite our conflict of work schedule.

Saturday, September 19th, 2020

-I felt like today went really fast-paced. I felt like I was constantly on the go, with something to do right after the other. I had work at Lokahi, came home to get dressed and come back to my weekday job to get things done and Staples to pick up things. Energy was pretty high up there and didn’t mind making up hours missed during the weekday due to school work. 

-Afterwards, I completely forgot about Kristine’s party at Raymond’s house to celebrate her getting her Masters. Super excited for her journey, as well as second-guessing my educational route. Had drinks with everyone, including steph and my sister. Overall fun playing beer pong, corn hole, and wished Danny was still there.

-I like how open me and Steph were becoming talking about Jerome and Danny.

-I feel like I am in dire need of sleep and rest and strictly me time.

Friday, September 18th, 2020

-I feel very motivated to get things done today. I liked how I was able to go at my pace with school work and work duties. Very free-flowing and getting creative with how to train these 2 people at work.

-After work I got home and just chilled. It made me realize how used to Danny’s presence I’m getting accustomed to. I feel at ease with him. 

Thursday, September 17th, 2020

-Dropped Danny off to the airport to go to Oregon, wish I was going. I wish he planned it ahead of time so I can go with him.

Wednesday, September 16th, 2020

-Very productive at work. Got a lot of work done.

-Dropped food over at danny's work. I feel conflicted with everything, but don’t want to look too deep into what me and him are, nor even think I’m ready to add that to my plate.

-Talked with my Attorney about the whole getting arrested thing. It eased my mind the options he gave me. I see my anxiety levels greatly minimizing. Keeping positive thoughts overall.

-I’m making progress with limiting cravings of smoking cigarettes. 

Tuesday, September 15th, 2020

-Woke up at dannys, came home, did online class, then went to go have brunch with Danny. Had a swirl and somalian food. It was such a bust that I didn’t get Bill's cafe or Hash house because they closed less than an hour from when my class ended- but it was a good celebration overall. Napped before he went to work, only to come home and nap some more until people came over.

-It was nice having a small get together with family and a couple friends. It was cute how my mom wanted to cook, simply because I didn’t know where/what to eat. It was a good celebration overall, wish Danny was there, wished my other friends came through, but again, mom is worried about covid, etc, etc.

-it sometimes tired me living in this house. I want my freedom, it’s a tease how Danny wants to move in together, I feel scattered.

-It feels weird being in the spotlight. I don’t like it. I remember even feeling uneasy over the weekend about what to do. I don’t think I’m a planner type, it feels pressuring. I felt okay being by myself but happy how this turned out.

-I liked how I finally got to talk with michelle while I was doing anatomy homework and quizzes-histology is so hard!! I feel flustered. I miss seeing friends and family in hawaii. I feel drained with the same routine here in california, I miss traveling.

Monday, September 14th, 2020

-I didn’t feel as down in the dumps today as I did the previous night. I had the go with the flow attitude, and it’s probably the caffeine from the cup of coffee I made this morning, but I think reminding myself that I can’t control everything helps me live in the moment, with who and what is in front of me. At work I felt very productive because I had things to get taken care of.

-I was very surprised Danny finally came in for treatment, and how nice my coworkers and boss interacted with him. I was also taken back by how cute my coworkers were with getting me a cake and a sweet card with heart felt messages. I liked how it was easy to train the successor with notes, and direct her with learning our systems. I feel super loved today.

-went to get chicken wings at wicked chicken with danny. Craving satisfied! Finished watching Zohan and knocked out.

Sunday, September 13th, 2020

-Woke up, had brunch with Danny at Bills cafe. It was nice hanging out with him before he had to go work. Sometimes I wish that he didn’t have to work the graveyard shift, but I also look at it as a good thing because space can sometimes be good. I have the rest of the night to cater the rest of my evening to my school work and try to get ahead.

-I couldn't help but have feelings of sadness and isolation. I kept getting asked what I’m going to be doing for my birthday, but I’ve grown so accustomed to living in the moment and not planning ahead. I think because of this habit, I tend to feel like I’m constantly on the go, everything is moving, sometimes faster than I’d like, and maybe these down in the dumps feelings are signs that I need to slow down(?). I kept thinking that I want to spend my birthday alone, or that it’s not significant, but I’m trying to stray away from those dark thoughts and appreciate that a lot of family members and close friends that are asking me, want to spend time with me. 

Saturday, September 12th, 2020

-Woke up at Dannys place feeling anxious about my birthday coming up, my relationship with Danny, finances, schoolwork, and the thought of serving jail time. I also feel physically drained and in dire need of a massage. Reminded myself that it’s okay with not knowing all of the answers to those things, and to focus on the NOW.

-Walked Nala for a bit once I got home. Made breakfast, and started some schoolwork.

-the thought about being unwanted in my relationship with Danny heightened the disturbed feeling of not being wanted by my Dad. I feel like I resent my dad less, and again accepting the divorce and not taking responsibility for it because I wasn’t involved. My dad’s abandonment is a reflection of his character, not mine.

-Got to spend time with danny again, kept it mellow and just stayed in because COVID. We went on a drive to woodside on the windy road, had pizza, talked about the downfall of our relationship-it is what it is. We both admitted that we were wrong, just thinking about taking it easy moving forward. I dont want to feel pressured about anything with him, I can’t even think of being in a relationship right now, I just want to chill overall with everything going.

Friday, September 11th, 2020

-Work went really good today. Knocked out 3 major medical records I needed to send out. I just didn’t do it electronically. They’ll contact me if they need it or so. Energy was really high up there today. I Talked with the patients on a deeper level, I love making connections like that, on top of my duties to serve them. It makes my work environment steady going and lively, and adds consistent meaning and purpose when I’m on the clock.

-Got home and checked on my dog. She’s doing better. I’m thankful for my sister to aid in keeping tabs on my dog. I see that Nala is slowly getting her energy back up there. She looked so exhausted when I got home. I just fed her and gave her her medication.

-Hung out with Danny and got Somalia food. It was so good! I like how he wants to try something new, and it didn’t disappoint. Sambusas were really good and the wrap was very savory. It was filled with vegetables that I wasn’t used to eating and I am so down to go back. I was telling him I was itching to go out and get into the social scene because COVID and these fires were driving me crazy. Chances of us going out were based on the NBA game where Toronto lost to Boston so we ended up not going out, but rather watched netflix at his place. I ended up sleeping over his place-it was nice cuddling with him, and getting a break from staying home. I ended up not drinking and was okay with it.

Thursday, September 10th, 2020

-Class went really well today. I’m lucky to have an understanding boss that lets me get my schoolwork done. 

-Went into work for a few hours to get caught up with medical records, other billing issues, and organizing work space and clearing out tasks. Have to remind myself to work on my how-to duties, TIRP, ordering.

-Hung out with Danny after work. Had jalapeno tamales-they’re interesting. Ended up getting a quesadilla at the taco truck down the street from his house- which was good! He came over for a bit, too, and I feel weird not being able to relax in my home when my company is there. Again, I don’t feel like it’s my home. Nala missed him, I ended up not sleeping over his house but coming back home because I felt like Nala’s surgery was still getting to her. I’m uncomfortable when my dog’s uncomfortable and I’m away from her.

-Practiced the thought process when having the urge to smoke cigarettes. I have 5 days until my birthday and I need to make a better effort of minimizing intake versus going cold turkey. I saw that practicing the thought process when that urge comes up helped on the ride home today.

Wednesday September 9th, 2020

-I feel worrisome for my dog. Luckily my sister is checking in on her while I’m at work. I don’t like seeing my dog in pain-or anyone for that matter.

-Work went really well, I’m noticing I’m keeping the ball rolling with my energy being up there, as well as productivity with notes, avoiding clashes with other staff members, separating my personal life, but glad everyone finally knows I’m doing therapy. Caught up with Blanca seeing if she’s able to cover for me on Thursday mornings, but she accepted another job elsewhere. I’m happy for her that she keeps pushing through. I’m glad her house is still standing with the whole fires happening. I’m glad her family is safe and healthy. Her Son, Valen, is growing up too quickly and he’s so handsome! I do have baby fever, but I have other things I want to do.

-I feel like I’m finally getting the grasp of my classes and managing all tools to complete assignments on different platforms. I feel focused and in control.

-It’s discouraging having a drive with my education and career goals with the court stuff simmering on a back burner.

-Chatted with Meilani for a bit and my mom chimes in about my dog bite. I’ve grown to realize that my mom is the kind of person who talks to put her 2 cents in, but doesn’t grasp what other people are saying. Like she’s not an active listener with communication, and I think that’s where it gets to me. I have to practice taking my time with how I respond because I ended up lashing out on her that I am getting things done and taken care of. She frustrates me sometimes, and I hate having to hold in my tongue.

Tuesday, September 8th, 2020

-Today is the big day getting my dog spayed. I cried a bit after dropping her off to the clinic. I just want her to be comfortable, but she looked so scared and sad when I had to walk away.

-I went to my ortho appointment afterwards and was just thinking about this court thing and how it’s going to play out. I finally wrote down questions to ask my attorney when I talk to him next week. 

**SHARED THIS IN THERAPY TODAY**

Dear Dad,

Hope you are well.

I’m pissed with how you treat my mom. Bully her with the divorce, claiming half of her belongings. She earned her wealth herself over the years and you’ve really shown how greedy of a person you are. You cheated on her when she was on her worst when grandpa passed away, and its rumored that you have another child with your old high school sweetheart. I’m set to believe that you failed at being a husband and wedded partner.

I’m upset that despite whatever happened with you and mom, you placed us in a hidden category where you just cut us off when your kids had nothing to do with your marriage’s downfall and the divorce. Both of my sisters disclaim you based on the issue with Mom, but I didn’t because that wasn’t your role to me. You’re supposed to be a father. It takes more to become a father, and providing sperm doesn’t automatically grant you the respect that a father role comes with. You were doing so good until 2014, and that’s when everything started to spiral down.

I feel like you use people to your advantage, at times when it’s only beneficial to you. That’s not right. It wasn’t until when your dad passed away, where you felt the same remorse of losing a father just like mom did with hers in 2012. I think you started to lose it then, didn’t communicate with us or attempted to in any means, and excluded yourself from the family in general. This is where you’d be physically present at outings, but mentally elsewhere. I also think this is where your selfishness grew. I remember you started to drink every night, have something to eat then sleep and repeat days after. You kept disappearing at nighttime, come and go into the house as you please, started getting comfortable talking to whatever girl it was on the phone in the house, and didn’t have courtesy towards whoever was in the same room with you.

I’m torn you didnt come to my graduation when I invited you. It hurt a lot, and I grew very enviously seeing raymond’s dad there. It was until the ride home from the graduation party where my friend asked me how I felt about it, and I broke down to fucking tears.

**********

Monday, September 7th, 2020

-Slept a lot all day due to the heat. Began getting flustered with how much noise my mom was making while I was trying to study. I gave up and knocked out for a few hours, and woke up to review homework for anatomy and psychology.

-Gave nala a bath, gave her TLC with brushing and deshedding her. Ended up walking her while carrying a bath due to being traumatized by the loose husky yesterday morning. I spoiled her today with treats after her dinner, knowing she was going to get spayed tomorrow morning.

-It felt really good to have a day off after working 3-4 weeks straight, and going at my own pace.

-Put in some work into the Dad letter. Wanted to challenge myself with a letter versus bullet points- it all has to get out at some point, right?

Sunday, September 6, 2020

-I’m super fired up this morning due to walking my dog, and having my neighbor’s dog fucking attack my dog and bite me on the wrist. Thankful my neighbor was there to get the other dog away and off of my dog, and I safely got back to my backyard. I walked over to that neighbors house to tell him what the hell is his problem. Good thing it was only me and my dog versus a kid and a smaller dog. He didn’t even apologize just stating that his dog escaped, has it’s shots- fucking rude. Hope animal control does something about it. It pisses me off how some people don’t know how to properly train or care for their dogs. I told my mom about the incident too in case someone shows up to our house after filing a report, and that ticked me off even more as she was prioritizing the safety of my car versus my dogs health and what’s right. Hold people accountable, make them take responsibility of shit. Do what’s right which in my case I feel like I did.

-Lokahi went well. Always calming and easy working there. Getting more insight of the healthcare field and getting to know the acupuncturists on a deeper level. One of them brought her son in and he’s so adorable, 7years old.

-Napped when I got home. Steph ended up coming over. Felt very productive overall.

-Told Theo I didn’t want to have meaningless sex anymore. Told Danny that putting in effort goes both ways-ie communication, wanting to hang out, etc. I just want to focus on myself and get my head right.

Saturday, September 5, 2020

-Daphne came over for a bit after I got off from working at Lokahi. She’s back with Josh after confiding in me about their relationship, but as long as she’s happy I’m all for it. I just don’t want to see my friends down and out- I want everyone to win. She was telling me how Theo was posting this and that on social media with a subliminal message thinking it was directed towards me, but I just eye-rolled at it. First he invites me to his BBQ and to bone last night, then this morning does the same thing but with 2 stripper parties to take me to afterwards. It’s whatever, it’s not my scene.

-Took a nap after working at Lokahi, woke up with very little energy and no motivation to do anything. I feel physically and emotionally drained. It’s my cousin’s birthday BBQ at his house, and I find myself moving very slow to get ready. It ended up being a fun time catching up with my sister and other friends I haven’t seen in a while. I was dreading the idea of having a drink and trying not to, but I had 2 celebratory shots in the evening and felt guilty afterwards. I think that’s a kickstart to me not wanting to drink ever. I normally don’t drink as often anymore since the night of getting arrested, I like not being impaired/ under the influence anyway.

-Felt guilty leaving my dog at home on a warm evening knowing her surgery is coming up on Tuesday. Getting that reassurance from Daphne and Josh saying how spaying Nala at 10 years old was a good idea, made me feel okay about myself doing it for her.

Friday, September 4th, 2020

-Left Danny’s house in the morning to get ready for work. Had my coffee, had a slow start to work as time felt like it was dragging. I’m awaiting Monday to come as this weekend will be the last of working straight for the past 3-4 weeks. Yay for rest, as well as playing catch up for school.

-Work went really good today, made me realize how much catching up I have to do. Threw the idea of having an old employee fill in Thursdays, surprised how my boss was open to the idea and I should reach out to her. I like it when everyone is running on good vibes- coworkers and patients. This is why I always love Fridays at work-filled with good energy for the weekend and rest, as well as finishing another great week.

-Danny texted me while in a work wrap up meeting saying his car wouldn’t start because his BAC was too high. Had mixed feelings of wanting to go there, but ended up helping with the motive to do so. As soon as I got there he tried to start his car again and it did. We’re just friends, some occasions I feel like maybe we can patch things up, I don’t know. Guard is definitely still up.

-Tempted to go to Theo’s clubhouse for a BBQ, ended up not going because my school work comes first and I felt like my social battery was running low. Theo is like temptation but I deserve the kind of love I desire and not to be anyones quick fuck. Yeah I respect him as a person because he tells it like it is, but I’m tired of putting myself through something where it’s not going to go beyond that. I feel like I’m getting back to loving myself, and okay with being single.

-I basically bombed my school work for this week. Got everything situated to add the course successfully, but realized how much homework and studying it is. I’m trying to not look at this night's homework as failure, but an opportunity to get things back on track for the remaining of the semester. Go, Education!

Thursday, September 3rd, 2020

-I woke up this morning with very little energy-unsure if it’s related to the cold weather. On the way to work my anxiety started to build up trying to plan how I’d balance out school and work for that day. It wasn’t the first good session with all of the distractions going on around me, I also found it brutal to stare at my computer screen for 2+ hours . What a time to be alive. Returning from lunch made my stomach drop, due to receiving the police report from the night or getting arrested, Attorney Ryan Mannix sent me. It sucks that I still don’t know for my damn self what the hell was going on that night, I was just scared shitless with what I thought was happening. Maybe it’s that ‘daddy issues’ thing I got going that made me think I was being in a group sex session against my will, who knows? I know for damn sure that that night was my lowest point, and not to do anything mind altering like that again. . I need to let old habits die and probably even cut ties with Theo, too, as he was like the ringleader of that night.

-I invited Danny over to my house after he got off from work, as a friendly gesture. . I told him about what was going on and caught him up to speed with the whole court thing. He advised me to write a letter to the judge. For some reason, I still look at Danny in that protector light. I ended up sleeping over at his house to calm my nerves down. He has that calming effect on me, like everything would be okay.

Wednesday, September 2nd, 2020

-I feel pumped up today. I feel motivated, I feel like I’m getting organized with my school and work duties. I feel like I am slowly gaining a sense of focus, as well as regaining my drive to fulfill my purpose in healthcare again. 

-Work went really well today. Stayed on top of office flow- glad my boss noticed at our wrap up meeting- got chart notes documented for each patient and helped a bit with the admin side of it. I felt my energy up there (thank you, coffee) so I went home and washed my car, and managed to walk my dog for a bit. I went to bed feeling relaxed. I pushed myself to be more mindful and didn’t really have a cluster of sad thoughts and negative self talk as much throughout the day. 

-By night time I was just thinking about what was going through my head in Dunsmuir. I don’t know why Theo would be the center of the illusion of me getting sexually abused in a group. I just want a clean slate from this arrest, a cleaner slate of my relationships, I’m itching to read the police report, but I have to just go with the flow and not get myself amped up for things I can’t control.

-Working on my communication skills and learning to express and say what’s on my mind. Finally built up the courage to tell my boss that I got into an anatomy course which I've been waitlisted to. I’m very eager to start, this is reassurance that I am on the right path to my educational goals and career!

Tuesday September 1st, 2020

-woke up this morning to keep reminding myself that it’s a fresh new month and to keep positive thoughts in mind as I go about. Excited that my birthday is in 2 weeks, as I'm not feeling so excited. It’s a covid celebration, but I think the most I’m going to do to treat myself is to take that day off, as well as Monday since it falls on a Tuesday- so it’ll be like a 4 day weekend to unwind, and relax.

-Danny texted me, I’m annoyed with his ass too. 

-I feel excited that I’m second on the waitlist to get into retaking an anatomy course this semester. I think the likelihood of me getting in are pretty high, so now comes the tricky part of conversing with my boss about taking 2 hours out midday on Thursdays for the semester if I get in.

-Just got home from work, cried on the way to work because I feel sad and distressed about everything. I got fired up at work due to a patient experiencing elder abuse with her auto accident case and insurance- business ethic on her auto policy- as well as how fucked up the attitude of western medicine and health insurance is. I feel anxious at the moment with what’s going on-ie. relationship status, family affairs, school, work, and the possible outcomes of this next court date. I feel like a hot mess.

-Therapy went really well today. I like getting to the root of things, but I have to remind myself to pace this process so I don’t get emotionally overwhelmed. Taking my time to write this letter/list regarding my dad, but it’s something I need to do to grow and move on.

[mishasminions]

The Last Time I’ll Write a Long Post About Supernatural (15x18-15x20)

15 YEARS OF WATCHING THIS SHOW. 11 YEARS OF RUNNING A BLOG ABOUT IT. IT’S BEEN QUITE A RIDE.

[15x20 Speculation + evidence at the bottom]

First off, I just wanna come clean and say, after all these years, I still think they should’ve ended at Season 5.

If you’re going to come at me with “Then why’d you stick around to watch it if you didn’t like it?”, your question is immature, and the answer is simple: I just want to know what happens next (I also love the main characters and their actors too). You can watch a show and still think it’s shit.

Call me a clown, but despite all the disappointment and trust issues that this show has given me, I would still look forward to the day where it might just turn itself around and bring back the quality it once had, or realize the potential of each story it was trying to tell, or at the very least, do justice by my favorite ship.

Never happened.

They’ve had a few good episodes here and there. I can’t imagine the SPN Universe without The Man Who Would Be King, The French Mistake, and Scoobynatural. Seasons 6-10 were enjoyable at times. I blocked out most of 7 & 11-15. 

If you’ve been following this blog since its heydays in 2010-2014, you’d know I’d try my best to defend Destiel and this show’s decisions regarding it no matter what.

Because you know what, as a CONCEPT, this show is good. If you take a look at all the worlds its storylines have birthed in fanfiction/fanworks, you’d see how much Supernatural has wasted its own story arcs. The writing got shittier as each season progressed, and they’ve obviously given up in production as well because the quality in the execution has noticeably gone down too, but if you take a step back and take a look at the bigger picture, you’ll see that this show still tries to make sense of itself.

[If you’re still following this post, please bear with me, I know this is long, but I just want you to understand how jaded and pessimistic I am with regards to this show, so maybe you can buy into whatever hopeful thing I’m about to say later on.]

SO LET’S TALK ABOUT DESTIEL

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that they would give us Castiel’s “I love you” speech. To the point where, if I weren’t so desperate for it, I would argue that it was completely out of character for him to word vomit the way he did (but I’m not gonna diss on that right now because I’ll take what I can get).

I’ve valued every meaningful and obscure exchange that Dean and Cas have had in the earlier seasons, and I was willing to accept their relationship as just that--undefined, without any clear boundaries as to what they really are. And I think that was beautiful on its own.

But now, they’ve chosen to define it.

After they’ve driven every possible wedge between Dean and Castiel in seasons 11-15, to try to explain away their feelings as something they offer to a collective.

Dean can’t mourn and pray for JUST Cas, he has to mourn and pray for EVERYBODY--even Crowley, even some chick he just met, because god forbid he cries about just the guy who has given up everything for him--that would be “too homo”.

They’ve even set Cas on a path to abrupt fatherhood just so he can care about something other than Dean. Make it seem as if Dean wasn’t his purpose through and through.

And after all these years of this stupid show trying to deny it, they choose to acknowledge it at the worst possible circumstance, at a time where they’ve been so far apart, that it seems so foreign for them to suddenly come together.

But here we are. And they’ve chosen to tell us.

Chosen to tell us that everything that Castiel has done leading up to his death, he has done it because he was IN LOVE WITH DEAN WINCHESTER.

Chosen to tell us that the ONE THING THAT WOULD MAKE CAS HAPPY IS DEAN WINCHESTER.

Chosen to tell us that BEING WITH DEAN WINCHESTER is something that CAS WANTS BUT KNOWS HE CAN’T HAVE.

And they’ve also chosen to tell us nothing about how Dean feels.

Sure, finding out your angel made a deal, the stipulations of said deal, his newfound happiness philosophy, his long-winded monologue of why he loves you and why you’re worthy of his love, and to top it all off he tells you that being in love with you is enough to make him happy while he subtly hints that he’s always wanted to be WITH you romantically, was a lot to process in the 5 minutes after you’ve just had an existential crisis.

It’s whatever, right? Let’s culminate 11 years worth of tension and feelings in 5 minutes. Let’s waste the entire episode with cringey expository dialogue, and irrelevant sequences. The whole season was a waste anyway.

You know what Supernatural? FUCK YOU FOR THAT. They deserved better. WE deserve better.

And I would love nothing more than to hurl every possible insult your way,

But for the last time, I’m going to HOPE that you’re finally going to try to make it better for the fans that stuck by you all these years.

No more baiting new viewers, no more placating casual viewers, no more excuses. 15 years. Bring it home for the people who have actually been around.

SO HERE’S HOW I THINK 15x20 IS GONNA GO

There’s two ways this series is gonna end. Horribly or Spectacularly.

First let’s all take into consideration what Andrew Dabb says about it:

So, let’s start with

ENDING HORRIBLY

In this scenario, Misha is telling the truth about his last day of filming being 15x18. His “camping trip” during the last few days of filming 15x20, was actually a camping trip. He doesn’t go to Vancouver to shoot.

Jensen wasn’t “being careful” during the zoom interviews that it was just him and Jared quarantining for the shoot, it really was just him and Jared (althought most of these were done pre 15x19) Supernatural isn’t smart enough to do misleading PR, and they’re once again oblivious to the potential of their own story.

Misha hasn’t posted a “Goodbye Castiel” tweet because he’s probably saving it for last episode or he forgot because it was overshadowed by the Destiel trend that night.

So what we get is:

Sam and Dean are on the road again, up against the monster of the week. Only their world no longer has actual Supernatural beings anymore, so the monsters they’re fighting are humans.

Humans end up killing the Winchesters (despite having gone up against literally every powerful being imaginable INCLUDING God himself). Dean and Sam end up in heaven and relive their greatest hits.

Meanwhile, Castiel rots in The Empty because he died after realizing that he was happy and gay. Jack doesn’t bother rescuing him—his surrogate dad, the guy who made this specific deal to spare him—even though it was so easy for him get Cas in and out of The Empty when he had a fraction of the power that he has now.

Dean never speaks of Castiel’s confession because despite all the hints of a profound bond in the earlier seasons, and the fact that Dean has never cared for anyone (who isn’t his actual brother) as immensely as he does Cas, Supernatural just can’t have its main macho character be “suddenly bisexual” because that would hurt the male ego or some shit.

His heaven would probably be living happily ever after with his family. “Family” meaning Mary and John Winchester--two of the shittiest parents ever (but they’re not going to include them in this episode like they were supposed to because of Covid) and Sam.

Sam also gets a dog. As usual.

I wouldn’t put it past Supernatural to do this. After everything they’ve pulled, this would be right up their alley. I actually expect this ending.

Anyway, onto the next possible ending

ENDING SPECTACULARLY

In this scenario, Supernatural tries to stick the landing, and Jensen’s whole “It didn’t sit well with me at first, but then I took a step back after talking to Kripke, and realized that I had to view it from an audience perspective, I am now really excited about it” (DC Con 2019) anecdote about his thoughts on the final episodes, were actually about Dean potentially ending up with Cas. (Which would totally make sense because Jensen at first didn’t see Dean as anything but hetero, but as of late, he has been throwing in Destiel jokes of his own, so he seems to have warmed up to the idea)

Backed with Misha’s tidbit (DLConline 2020) that he and Jensen had conversations about Destiel, and that they wouldn’t have gone through with it if Jensen wasn’t onboard with it, but Jensen didn’t push back at all. (Why would they need to check with Jensen if it was just Cas going all in?)

Robert Berens (writer of 15x18) also wrote the script at the beginning of Season 15, but made Misha privy to the concept a year prior (Season 14), so they went into this season knowing about Destiel going canon.

This one’s a reach, but this scenario also supposes that Misha was lying about his whereabouts during the filming of the final episode, and him saying that 15x18 was his last episode is part of the diversion to avoid taking away from the weight of Castiel’s death.

And that Supernatural is actually self-aware of its own material (similar to how they have wrapped things up in the past—lots of expository dialogue, poor execution, but fulfills the story arc)

Since Season 15 is basically a Meta Season (Chuck/God as a writer, pretentiously calling out how he created the worlds, its characters, and basically invalidating the past 14 seasons), and 15x19 is supposedly the finale for Season 15, written by two of the worst Supernatural writers, Brad Buckner and Eugenie Ross-Leming (Bob Singer’s wife), then we can assume that 15x19 is where the shitty writers kill themselves--as Chuck, of course.

So we get a badly written episode that produces a bad ending, or as Becky put it, “All action, and no Cas”

So we get the bad writers season ending at 15x19.

And 15x20 is where Sam and Dean write their own stories, and where the cast had a hand in pitching ideas for it.

Dabb has mentioned that 15x20 (Act Two) is a SERIES finale, where they try to resolve the characters’ journeys.

Because as everyone has acknowledged, Supernatural isn’t about the story, it’s about the characters.

So here’s what we can get out of it:

With no more Supernatural beings left to fight, Sam and Dean are in a stalemate. They’ve resigned themselves to fighting to the bitter end, but the “end” has passed, and they’re still standing.

So they try to figure out who they are now, and what they want out of the life they still have.

Sam still wants a normal apple pie life. Before Dean dragged him out of college to go hunting with him, he had a whole life planned out for him. Become a lawyer, settle down with a nice girl, and get a dog. He gave all that up because they had work to do, but now the work is finished, he can finally go back to wanting that for himself again.

Dean finally realizes his self-worth after Cas saves him again. His prayer to Cas in purgatory may have helped him come to terms with his anger, but the whole “you’ve done everything you did for love” speech finally put him in his place, and he learns not to hate himself anymore.

But of course, he cannot fully reconcile with himself if he doesn’t get Cas back, and tell him how he feels.

Because Dean actually wants something for himself this time. Something he knows he can finally have if he can just salvage it.

So maybe this time around, with the help of Jack (off-screen), Dean saves Cas. Grips him tight and raises him from perdition.

They bypass The Empty deal by turning Cas human, and he lives the rest of his days with Dean.

Dean and Cas know they deserve to be saved, and they know that they deserve to be happy.

(Wishful thinking, maybe they kiss a little)

Anyway...

I’m just saying, there’s NO WAY that they’d have Cas go through that whole rushed speech, if they weren’t going to do anything about it later on.

But again, after 10 years of disappointment, I wouldn’t put it past Supernatural to pat themselves on the back and say, “Okay, we sort of gave them what they wanted. We’re good now”

If that’s the case, Supernatural, I’m sorry I wasted my time on you.

Here’s to hoping 🤡

[mindmeltonabun-blog]

Tale of the Nine Tailed: Explanation of Lee Rang’s Death and Lee Yeon’s Ending Scene

Well folks...here we are once again. I did say that I would not write another TOTNT post unless there was anything worth discussing in the finale. I know many of you may feel utterly devastated or somewhat confused by how TOTNT ended, but I hope my post will be able to comfort you somehow. Anyways, let’s put on our thinking caps one last time for TOTNT!

Lee Rang’s Death

One of the biggest complaints many have had is the death of Lee Rang. Many said that the writer did him dirty while others wished that Lee Yeon and Ji Ah would’ve died instead. However, when we looked at his character arc’s as a whole, his death was justified. We mustn’t forget that he murdered hundreds possibly thousands in wake of his anger. 

Yes, he did do some good towards the end of his life such as taking in Yuri and Kim Soo, but that shouldn’t discredit all the atrocious acts he had committed in the past. Saving the life of two people doesn’t make up for all of the lives he had taken. Additionally, it is noted that Lee Rang did also assist the Imoogi’s group to bring the Imoogi back to life which caused for a slew of horrible events to occur in the first place. 

In the end, it was Lee Rang’s turn to sacrifice for the one he loved. Everything in TOTNT is cyclic if you think about it. First Ah Eum died to save Lee Yeon then Lee Yeon died to save Ji Ah. Therefore, it was only logical that it was Lee Rang’s turn to die for the one he loved which was Lee Yeon. 

Everything in life isn’t all rainbows and sunshine, what matters is what you do despite being dealt a bad fate. Both Lee Yeon and Ah Eum/Ji Ah weren’t dealt with a particularly good fate, but yet they still remained good people. Unfortunately, the same couldn’t be said for Lee Rang. Yes, he was dealt with a bad fate with having been born with a mother who didn’t want him, but he was also lucky because he had been taken in by a brother who greatly cherished him. Instead of appreciating the time he shared with Lee Yeon and remaining a good person even after the events of Lee Yeon leaving for the Samcheon River, Lee Rang still decided to take a turn for the worst. 

Over and over again, Lee Rang had escaped the punishment he so rightly deserved. For example, even after killing those villagers, Lee Yeon spared his life. Lee Rang had been basically living off on borrowed time. In a way, Lee Rang was lucky that during that borrowed time he was able to resolve the misunderstanding he had with Lee Yeon as well as have a small family of his own. Finally, if there’s anything TOTNT has taught us, it’s that if something is the will of the afterlife judges, it will be carried out eventually. One can’t escape their punishment.

In my opinion, things could have gone a lot worse for Lee Rang in the end. Meaning he could have been reborn as a shrimp. Instead, the afterlife judges granted him reincarnation as a boy who had a mother who cared for him and granted him his last wish which was to meet his brother again. He got all of wishes fulfilled. Thus, it was a satisfying ending for Lee Rang. 

Update 12/07/2020: Does Lee Yeon Meeting Reincarnated Lee Rang Indicate Many Years Have Passed?

No, it doesn’t. The team probably wanted to use the same child actor (Joo Won Lee; DOB: 05/03/2011) as to imply that Lee Rang had been successfully reincarnated. Sure, they could’ve used someone who was a few months old, but how then would Lee Yeon recognize Lee Rang ? Remember that Lee Yeon only met Lee Rang when he was around 9 years old. There would be no way for Lee Yeon to recognize what a few months old Lee Rang could’ve looked like. Get it ? Again, Lee Yeon meeting reincarnated Lee Rang happened in 2021!

Why Does Lee Yeon Still Have His Gumiho Powers?           

Initially, when I first watched this I was beyond shocked, left confused, and was rethinking my opinion of Lee Yeon as a good person. However, once I watched it with subs and then did a little research into how Gumihos can become human, the ending scene made sense. Again, everyone should’ve taken Jo Bo Ah’s advice of looking up myths and see to how they pertain to whatever happened in TOTNT.

Anyways, in legends, Gumihos can become human in the following ways:

1)    Refrain from killing and eating humans for 1000 days

2)    The human who found out a Gumiho’s true nature, must tell no one of its secret for 10 years

3)    Over a period of 100 days (other versions say 1000 days or ~3 years), Kumiho must not be detected by the human they are married to.  If the Gumiho fails on this quest, they will lose any chance of becoming human and will be a Gumiho for 1000 years

4)    Gumiho must consume the livers of 1000 humans over 1000 years. If they do not do this by the end of 1000 years, the Gumiho will dissolve in foam/bubbles

In particular, the ending scenes was in reference to #3. When Lee Yeon had came back to life, he was still technically a Gumiho hence why he could enter the Office of the Afterlife. I know you might ask well why didn’t Taluipa or Shin Ju sense he was still a fox? Because at the same time Lee Yeon was human, but only during the day or nights when there wasn’t a full moon (read further below for an explanation). Additionally, Lee Yeon probably didn’t tell Shin Ju because he didn’t want there to be any possibility that information would get leaked to Ji Ah. Better safe than sorry was Lee Yeon’s personal philosophy!  

Although, Lee Yeon did come pretty close to being discovered as a Gumiho when he let it slip that he knew that their child would be a daughter. This all goes back to the intro in Ep 1 where it is said that Gumihos have the “ability to see miles ahead”. Luckily for Lee Yeon, he convincingly tricked Ji Ah and played it off as he was just saying weird things.

Until his 100 days were up, Lee Yeon had to keep his Gumiho nature hidden from the only person who mattered which was Ji Ah. Let’s be honest here, it’s really hard to trick Ji Ah so Lee Yeon had to be super careful around her. Usually in legends, Gumihos fall short of reaching the 100 days because they are discovered by their betrothed. During Lee Yeon’s 3 months transitional phase of becoming human, a situation arose that could’ve have caused Ji Ah to discover that Lee Yeon was still a Gumiho aka Mr Samjae entering into Ji Ah’s life. 

This caused a problem because whatever misfortune befell on Ji Ah it would also inadvertently affect Lee Yeon too. Meaning that if Lee Yeon didn’t get rid of the Samjae, it could cause Ji Ah the misfortune of finding out Lee Yeon still was a Gumiho, thus ruining his plan of ever becoming human. 

The only way anyone could tell Lee Yeon was still a Gumiho was to have seen him during a full moon. This was in reference to how in legends, werewolves (also in the same canine family as a fox) can only undergo transformation into a wolf when there was a full moon (symbolistic of metamorphosis). So while in the transitional state of Gumiho and human, Lee Yeon was able to take advantage of there being a full moon to be able to transform into a Gumiho. Subsequently, Lee Yeon then used his Gumiho abilities to rid of Mr. Samjae Spirit. Thus, Lee Yeon eliminated a potential threat that could have caused Ji Ah to find out his Gumiho nature before the 3 months of remaining undetected was completed.

Flash forward approximately 3-4 years later after Lee Yeon’s face off with the Samjae, Lee Yeon is now seen as having been successful at becoming a full human as well as having daughter with Ji Ah as seen here in the following pictures (family picnic). My only complaint is that the production/editing team ended up deciding to not include the following scene. I do not know whether it was their decision or the writer’s to not include this. There could be numerous reasons why such as they had wanted to leave the possibility of there being a season 2 or there was limited time allotted for the length of ep 16 or the writer had wanted to leave an open ending. Whatever the reason, I do hope we will eventually show this to us. In doing so, they would give so many of us the proper closure we needed for TOTNT!

Side note, it looks like Lee Yeon and Ji Ah did end up introducing their daughter to her adoptive grandparents. Awww!

Updated 12/07/2020: Timeline of Samjae + Lee Yeon’s Transitional Period

There were also a bunch of questions concerning when exactly the whole scenes with Ji Ah and Lee Yeon had occurred. This occurred in 2021.

Samjae is believed to occur over a three-year period, and follows calculations based on the twelve zodiac signs. The first of the three years is known as deulsamjae (Kor. 들삼재, lit. entering the three calamities), the second, nuulsamjae (Kor. 누울삼재, lit. middle of calamities), and the third, nalsamjae (Kor. 날삼재, exiting the three calamities). The first year in this three-year cycle is supposed to be the most unfortunate. 

Source: https://folkency.nfm.go.kr/en/topic/detail/4151

So doing a little math, one will be able to see what years the Samjae entered (deulsamjae), remained (nuulsamjae), and then exited (nalsamjae). So the Samjae entered into Ji Ah’s life in 1994, 2003, 2012, and 2021. The cycle of every 9 years refers to the time period from one Deulsamjae year to the next (not every 9 years from her year of birth). For example, 1994 + 9 = 2003, 2003 + 9 = 2012, and 2012 + 9 = 2021.

What the show was trying to convey is that when Mr. Samjae came into Ji Ah’s life, it also coincided at the same time as Lee Yeon’s 3 months transitional period. Additionally, there were some who asked, “Aren't we to assume that many years have passed because Lee Yeon did say first root canal, first picnic, first snowfall, etc ?”. No, I took that scene as him mentioning things he either already did or will eventually experience.

Anyways, I really didn’t think I needed to point all of this out because I had assumed you all would’ve put on your thinking caps by now!

Last Remarks.

I hope that this post was able to resolve any confusion many of you may have had about the last episode. The writer did truly keep us on our toes until the very end. But with a little research into myths as well as analyzing everything as a whole, one should’ve been able to understand where the writer was coming from. Again, I want to give a big thanks to the cast, crew, and writer for all their hard work to give us TOTNT!

[lueurjun]

𝖱𝖮𝖠𝖣 𝖳𝖮 𝖥𝖠𝖬𝖤. 𝗌𝗂𝗆 𝗃𝖺𝖾𝗒𝗎𝗇

“=⌕ sim jaeyun x gn!reader. 

⌗ SUMMARY — becoming a tiktoker was never apart of the plan, but here you are, 4 million followers and a love for pranking your boyfriend. 

. . ⇢ LUEURJUN’S NOTES — this is supposed to be gender neutral but if i slipped up at any point then i do sincerely apologise. this probably won’t be written the best, i was kinda sick and had a moment of inspiration. this is super fluffy and cheesy, so brace yourself. 

₊❏❜ WARNING ⋮ uh tears of joy?? i guess.

2021 @lueurjun.

i. 

THE 30TH APRIL 2020 was the day that your life changed in ways that you used to believe only happened in movies. 

Honestly, setting up your phone and telling your devilishly handsome, yet so pure, so innocent boyfriend that you wanted to have a child—whether that be adoption plans or getting pregnant—it was a small prank you decided to pull and film for your group chat. You never had any intentions of uploading it onto the internet, until Jay, one of your closest friends, suggested that you posted it to Tiktok. 

Jake was cool with it, having not expected it to blow up as much as it did. Nobody had expected for you to get over 2 million views and over 600k likes on your first video. Nor did you expect the heaps of requests in your comment section of different pranks to pull on your boyfriend. And that’s where it began. 

That one video was a rabbit hole into what quickly became your career. 

Now, with over 4 million followers, you have created your own little fan base, who have grown to love you, your boyfriend and even your friends that occasionally end up in your videos.

ii. 

The light in the kitchen flickered once as you set up your phone against a bunch of cookbooks that your parents had yet to read. Mentally, you made a note to ask one of your family members to change the bulb when they returned home. Focusing on your phone, which was now recording, you put your thumbs up and turned towards the door.

“JAEYUN!” Your voice echoed through the quiet home, bouncing off every wall until it met your boyfriend’s ears. Brief shuffling could be heard followed by the padding of feet across the floor boards. He was only in the next room, so it didn’t take long for him to appear right before your eyes. 

The first thing your eyes set on was the crinkles in his shirt, suggesting that he had been laying down. His dark hair was hidden beneath a black hat, which he had placed on his head backwards. He was dressed so simple, but you still managed to fall in love once again at the sight of him. You often wondered how you had managed to bag someone like Jake, he was the epitome of perfection and you couldn’t really see why he would want to be with you. Jake never let these thoughts ponder in your mind for too long, since he was always quick to prove to you that you’re everything to him. 

Secretly eyeing the camera, you put on a pout and fiddle with the hem of his shirt. Immediately, the alarm bells go off in Jake’s mind. You’re never normally this quiet and it’s rare to see you pout. He frowns a little, eyebrows knitting together as concern washes over his face. Using his index finger and his thumb, he lifts your chin and gently rubs the skin just below your lip.

“What’s the matter?” 

“I just- don’t get mad,” you begin, forcing yourself to sound sad. “But I just think you could’ve been a little bit nicer to me today.”

He had been nothing but an angel to you all day, and you felt horrendous for making him think otherwise, but alas, Tiktok had spoken and they wanted you to do this prank. So, as bad as you felt, it wouldn’t cause much harm. 

“Did I do something to upset you?” He looks genuinely hurt by his own actions and guilt immediately tugs at your heart strings.

You shrug and avert your gaze downwards, focusing on the tiled floor beneath your feet. This was partly to stop yourself from giving in too quickly, you’d always been a sucker for Jake’s puppy dog eyes and you knew if you looked into them any longer, you would stop the prank.  

Jake cocks his head to the side and steps closer to you, nuzzling his nose against the side of your head. You feel his breath fan over your ear and you swear your heart stops beating for a second. His fingers trail over your waist and he plants the softest kiss to the side of your head. 

“I just feel like you’ve been a little mean to me today,” you continue. And he nods his head in understanding, though you know he doesn’t understand at all. Jake doesn’t know what he’s done wrong, but if you think he hasn’t been nice to you then he’s not going to argue. 

“I’m sorry, can you tell me what I did to make you feel this way?” 

You lean your head against his chest and bite your lip, it’s hard to contain your smile. With his sweet response mixed with the scent of his cologne fogging up your brain, you have a hard time holding onto your act and he quickly notices. 

“Is this a prank?” He asks, pulling away from you. 

You let the giggles slip from your mouth and nod towards the phone, that you had done your best to hide. Jake turns, his hand still on your waist, and he looks for the camera. Once his eyes land on his figure, he throws his head back and a breathy laugh falls from his lips.

“I should’ve known.” 

Yes, yes he should’ve but you still made up for it with plenty of kisses. 

iii. 

Picking Jake up from football practice had become a ritual. 

You didn’t need to be asked anymore, you’re just always there waiting for him and he loves that. The excited smile on his face whenever he sees you patiently sitting behind the wheel never gets old. Picking him up, as sad as it sounds, has become your drive to get through Tuesdays. They’re not your favourite day of the week, but knowing you get to see a smiley, yet sweaty, Sim Jaeyun at the end of the day gives you more than enough motivation. 

Just like any other Tuesday, you’re waiting. You like to get there early and so, you have about fifteen more minutes until you see your favourite boy walking through the gate. Music plays softly in the background as you lean back and scroll through your comment sections—people are so sweet, though you do get a bitter taste in your mouth when you see people fawning over your boyfriend like he’s a piece of cake. 

You ignore the thirst comments and look through the requests. Not many catch your eye, until you come across a particular one and a smirk appears on your face.  

Fifteen minutes turns into twenty and finally you see your worn out boyfriend heading towards your car. As tired as he never fails to smile and pick up his pace. He pulls open the door and slips inside. You reach over and greet him with a chaste kiss before pulling away.

“How was practice?” 

“Exhausting. Can we take a nap together when we get to your place?” He asks whilst adjusting his seatbelt. 

A nap sounds amazing, and you waste no time in nodding your head. “Before we go, I went shopping today. I picked you up a few things, let me show you.” 

He melts then and there. Reaching back, you grab one of the bags and aggressively tug it towards you, making sure you hit Jake on the side of the head. He hisses and turns to look at you. 

You don’t even apologize. 

“No this isn’t it,” you mumble to yourself. 

You grip the bag and throw it back where you got it from, once again making sure to slap your boyfriend with it. He stares at you, annoyed with your aggressiveness, though you don’t look back at him and instead, you hit him a third time with a new bag but you instantly regret it. You ended up attacking him with the new pair of shoes you treated yourself to and you can tell this one pained him.

Quickly giving up on the prank, you drop the bag and reach over to rub the back of his head. “I’m sorry! I really didn’t mean to hit you that hard.” 

He whips his head towards you, looking at you as though you had just murdered an entire family in front of him. “What? So you meant to hit me?” 

You drop your hand and retreat back to your seat, attempting to look innocent. Jake then finds your phone, which is pointing right at him and he sees that it’s recording. You feel guilty, having not meant to hurt him so hard, you can’t meet his eye. You are about to start driving again, when you feel an impact on your arm and a yelp parts from your mouth. 

Jake sits beside you, a smile on his face and a bag clutched in his hand. You scowl and he only grins wider. 

“Now we’re even.” 

Oh, he is evil. 

iv. 

On the 10th May 2021, you hit 5 million followers. 

It was a shock, you rarely kept track of your follower count because you weren’t really in it for that ( though you are grateful for every single person that supports you ) so, you really hadn’t been expecting to hit such a huge milestone. In fact, you were so unexpectant, that you were sleeping at the time. 

“BABY!” Your eyes flew open as the bed shook. Jake had jumped on the bed, plastering kisses all over your face. “You hit 5 mill!” 

Disoriented, you blink. “Pardon?” 

Jake chuckles at your sleepy state, even with messy hair and puffy eyes, he thinks you look so attractive. His dark eyes trail over your features as he uses his thumb to rub underneath your eye, almost like he was trying to wipe away your sleepiness. 

“You hit 5 million followers, you did it.” His voice is softer this time, quieter but still filled with enthusiasm. You gape at him, and he laughs. 

“I did?” You ask, pointing to yourself. 

He nods. “You did.” 

The realisation crashes down at you at once and suddenly, you feel your nose sting as tears form in your eyes. Your fingers curl around the fabric of your boyfriend’s shirt whilst the other hand comes up to cover your mouth. Stray tears drop down onto your skin. You can’t believe it. 5 million people followed you. They like your content.

Jake coos at the tears that leak from your eyes like a waterfall. He’s quick to wipe them away, before he presses a kiss to your wet cheek. He’s proud and he’s filled with pride, his baby got 5 million followers and he couldn’t wait to brag to everyone about how talented and cool you are. That’s his favourite thing to do. Jake loves to brag about you. 

You sniffle and press your hands against his cheeks. Gently, you rub your nose against his own. “We did it. It’s your account just as much as it is mine, I wouldn’t have got this far without you. After all, you’re my main prank victim. So, we did it. We hit 5 million together.” 

You weren’t taking all of the credit, Jake was just as involved as you and he deserves the praise. You had done this together. 

“You do know Jay is never going to let you forget that he was the one who suggested uploading it to TikTok...right?” 

You laugh, nodding your head. “Yep. I know he’s gloating in the group chat, right now.” 

And he was. Jay was so proud of you and Jake, but most of all, he was proud of himself because without him, you would have never uploaded that first video. So, you let him have his moment. 

“To millions more!” Jake cheers as he lifts the pizza in his hand, the two of you had decided to celebrate with a victorious take away and a movie marathon. 

“To millions more,” you repeat softly. 

Whether you had 0 followers or 5 million, as long as Sim Jaeyun was by your side, you didn’t mind.

[jeonqqin]

man up. [m] | pt.4

h. jisung x reader | netflix rom-com au

— ❝Even with classes, annoying brothers, and an unrequited crush, you still figured your first year of college was going pretty well. Until you managed to get your first boyfriend, and suddenly your brother and his stupidly attractive best friend were attached to your hip for the whole damn ride.

or alternatively;

Why did Jisung care about you so much, and had his eyes always been that pretty?❞

WORD COUNT: 5.4k

CONTAINS: brothers best friend au, teen rom-com au, sorta crack fic, love triangle au, college au

WARNING: future smut, language, reader being followed at night, not much, Chan’s sexy ass arms?

A/N: the big day!! also there’s a little scene for binnie’s birthday (even though it was yesterday)

▸ request

CHAPTERS:  01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 | 07 | 08 | 09 +

blog masterlist | ⟲ fic song

© jeonqqin 2020

—UNEDITED

Your mind was running circles around you, everything a blur.

Talking on the phone with Chan lifted your mood exponentially, but there was still something that ticked in the back of your head. With the way your conversation with Chan ended, you weren’t sure if you should’ve been jumping for joy or hiding away under your covers in hopes that no one would ever find you again.

“So, I was wondering,” His voice drawled over the phone.

You held back the urge to shiver in order to hear exactly what he had to say. Granted the wind had stopped, but the night air was slipping through the thin fabric of your clothes and making up for its absence.

“Yeah?”

You heard Chan chuckle—surprisingly enough it sounded nervous.

“Would you ever date a guy like me?”

And just with one question, you almost fell forward off of the swing.

“What are you saying?” You uttered, eyes staring out at the bright red slide in front of you that had been dulled by the darkness.

Chan cleared his throat, “Do you want to go on a date with me, Y/n?”

You had said yes too quickly, not just in the sense that it was embarrassing, but also because after you hung up, it really occurred to you that you would be going on a date with Bang Chan.

A date.

Had you even been on a date before?

You wrapped your arms around your body as you contemplated the whole situation. It was dark outside despite the street lights, and even then, they were too dim to really be doing their job. But you hardly noticed, too immersed in your own head to worry about the dark or the possibility of meat-heads roaming around looking for their next meal.

Your skin prickled, your subconscious attempting to warn you about the shadow that lurked only a few feet away.

The date. It should be easy; smile, talk to him without vomiting, and be sure not to make a complete fool of yourself in front of the single most attractive man you had ever seen. Piece of cake.

You mentally cursed Minho for possibly scaring you for the rest of your young life. Could you hold it over him if his years of desensitizing you turned you into a lonely cat-lady?

No—he’d already taken that title, and you weren’t sure if the universe was ready to support two financial tragedies within the same family.

The sound of footsteps fell to deaf ears, the lights of the dorms were able to be seen from your place on the street, and there wasn’t a shred of dread in your naive body. Not even when the sound of sneakers padding against tar got closer—too close for comfort had you been paying any attention. Maybe you were too tired, or your head was too preoccupied to focus on the approaching body behind you.

Not until there was a hand wrapping around your mouth and another pinning your arms to your sides. In your shock, you could feel the flex of your aggressor’s biceps—he was strong, and it had your heart stopping in your chest.

You wiggled the best you could in his grip, but the man’s hold was too constricting, and you suddenly wanted to cry. How stupid could you have been to let something like this happen?

Your heart pounded in your chest as you plead against the calloused hand, your legs shaking like jelly. He leaned closer, his lips brushing your ear—mint, the one thing you could focus on was that his breath didn’t reek of alcohol like you would’ve assumed.

“Wow…” He released a breath with a small chuckle, and your brows furrowed.

The voice was familiar—

“You really are stupid. Do you realize that you would’ve been so dead if I wanted to like—take advantage of you and dump your body in a river, or something?”

You squirmed out of the stupid stupid strong arms of your stupid stupid ex-friend, you eyes set in a harsh glare as you brought your fists down on his firm chest.

“You fucking pig!” You screeched with rage, fists clenched even when he grabbed your wrists in between fits of laughter. You actually wanted to stab a knife into his eye. “I can’t believe you did that! I thought I was going to die, asshole!”

Changbin snickered with a mocking coo, “I know. Poor baby...”

“You’re a sadistic bastard.”

“Just think—” he released your hands, only to block the oncoming smack that you sent. “You won’t make this mistake again, stupid-head.”

You huffed, wrapping your arms around your body again and continuing forward, your pulse more intense than it had been before. “What if I had gone into cardiac arrest or something? You would’ve been fucked in more ways than one. Do you know what they do to rapists in prison?”

“Y/n,” Changbin chuckled under his breath, meeting your stride easily. “I didn’t rape you, in case you didn’t notice.”

“But if I died, that’s what it would’ve looked like! And suddenly you’re in concrete hell.”

Changbin shook his head. “God—just be more careful next time you decide to walk alone in the middle of the night. Call one of us or something.”

Guilt nawed at your skin, and you sent him a sulky pout. He was right. If something really had happened, you would’ve been fucked. Unless the guy was thinner than a twig and had a shit center of gravity, your chances of getting out of that kind of danger was unlikely. Damn Changbin and his infuriatingly true points.

You let out a groan as the boy beside you casually slung his arm around your shoulders.

“Fine. You’re right. Happy?”

Changbin’s head turned to you and he released another coo, his forehead pressing against yours and successfully annoying the shit out of you. How everyone else dealt with him was a true mystery.

He was supposed to be older than you?

The pitch of his voice raised, “Of course I am.”

You wrenched out of his grip, swatting away his reaching hand and stepping out of his range.

Perhaps there would be a murder tonight.

“Stop being a creep and act like a normal person for once, Bin.”

Without even looking back, you could feel the pout on his lips. But he only let out a quick whine before following after you, his hands stuffed into his jeans.

You had hardly noticed before, but he was dressed strangely—he was in a torn to shit grey t-shirt, multiple splotches of something black plastered across his torso just above the ragged seam of where the shirt ended, holes scattered everywhere exposing glimpses of his firm chest. The jeans weren’t any better, almost completely colored black by the same substance on his shirt, baring rips at the knees and not the ones you get solely for fashion.

“By the way…” You drawled, twisting around to rake your eyes over him one last time. “What were you even doing before this?”

Changbin glanced at his attire and shrugged, the smallest glow of red covering his ears. “I’ve been working on cars for some extra money.”

Your eyebrow raised. “At night?”

“It’s the only time I have free between producing new songs and school.”

Nodding you faced back towards the dark street in front of you.

Changbin had never sparked you as a manual labor kind of guy, let alone someone who could fix cars and get paid for doing it. But after taking a moment to think about it, it made sense. He fit the scene, so to say, and it somehow added to the edgy look he already had going on for him.

You didn’t know as much about your friends as you probably should’ve.

“So you guys actually got the recording room done? Are you and Chan using it now?” You asked nonchalantly, a terrible attempt to slide Chan into the conversation. Changbin must’ve known a few things about Chan that could help you quench your nerves for the upcoming date.

Changbin sent you a sideways look, letting you know that you weren’t as slick as you thought you were.

“Ah, Chan…” He hummed, the two of you finally getting close enough to the university to discern the different buildings. “What’s up with you two?” He asked hesitantly, a hint of a frown on his brow.

“Well—I mean, I like him a lot.” You fumbled for the right words, though you knew that Changbin wasn’t one to rush you. As annoying as he could be, he was a good listener. “And he just asked me out—”

“He did?”

Well, you thought he was a good listeners

“Yeah,” you shrugged. “Earlier he asked if I wanted to go out on a date or something—”

“Or something?”

You shoved him to the side, though his heavy body barely moved an inch.

“Would you stop interrupting me? I’m serious.” You huffed, frustrated.

“I am too.”

You froze—huh?

Your eyes searched his for a moment, his words not as comforting as you wanted them to be, instead his questioning only made your stomach twist in more knots than they had been in before. You really didn’t know anything about Chan, and talking to someone who did only made you hesitant about continuing with this first date of yours.

Sure, you weren’t one to believe rumors about people you barely knew—but it was the fact that you barely knew Chan that made you so nervous.

“Well I’m a little surprised that Chan asked you out.”

You frowned. “Why?”

“Uh…” Changbin paused, searching for his next words carefully with a contemplative hum. “It’s nothing bad. I mean, Chan’s one of the best people I know.”

“But…?”

He stopped to wait for you to run your student ID along the sensor, listening to the automatic click of the door and using it as a stall for time. He was trying to find the right way to word what he wanted to say. He didn’t want to blindside you, nor did he want to sabotage his friend by telling you something that might steer you away.

He waited for you to take a step inside the dorms before continuing with a hushed voice.

“Chan is… very selfless let’s say. He doesn’t really take the time to date per se. He’s work oriented. Not to say he hasn’t had girlfriends before, but they never really—”

“Became anything?”

That was what you had been contemplating. If the date went wrong, could you talk to Chan afterwards? Would he still be that person you could call if you wanted to step away from the world? You couldn’t find yourself feeling upset if that happened to be the outcome.

But with the small look of suspicion that Changbin sent, his brow curling upwards, you quickly backpedaled.

“He mentioned something about it while we were on the phone.” You rushed to save yourself.

Taking your answer without question, he stopped. You were both standing outside of your room, the quiet hallway encasing the both of you and chilling you to the bone more than the night air had. Changbin bit his tongue.

“Chan is an amazing friend. But I’ve never really seen him as a boyfriend before.” He sighed, scratching his cheek. “And as much of a little shit you are… I care about you enough to want you to be happy.”

“Is this you warning me?”

“No.” His mouth formed a thin line, he really had no idea how to word anything. It was beginning to frustrate him. “Just be aware that he isn’t the most observant guy when it comes to himself, so be patient with the guy.”

Okay, that helped you none whatsoever.

You sighed, pushing your dorm door open and nodding finally for Changbin.

“Well, thank you, Bin. For walking me and all that…”

Your gratitude was pitiful, but Changbin smiled wide nonetheless, glad that he could help you out despite his advice being absolutely terrible.

“Anytime, Y/n.” He ruffled your hair before you could stop him. “But next time, call me before you decide to be stupid and walk alone agian, okay?”

You smiled.

“Yeah. I promise, Bin. Thanks—seriously.”

As you closed the door, you missed the way Changbin’s lip quirked, his ears once again shining a red in the dim lighting of the hallway. He chuckled, shaking his head.

He wished both Chan and Jisung luck—you really were a handful.

“So this is a date?”

You had absolutely no idea what to say, your nervous gaze on the road in front of you as Chan glanced over at you from his place behind the wheel of his beloved Subaru Crosstrek—he had gone on a cute spiel about how he managed to scrounge up enough money from producing his tracks to afford the down payment on the car. It was cute only because he giggled every time he mentioned some miniscule detail that wasn’t necessary for the development of the story.

He always apologized when he got off track, but those were your favorite parts.

And you still had no idea what to say.

“Yeah, Y/n. A date. Have you ever been on one of those before?” He joked, taking another turn into yet another neighborhood.

He had to have gone down at least four streets already—

“Does a slow dance at a mediocre prom count?”

“A what?”

You snorted, feeling the telltale heat of your cheeks reddening. You were such a loser, the best you could do was tell him about your failed relationships?

“I mean, Jung Wooyoung was pretty hot, so I guess it could count. Granted, Minho stepped in before he could kiss me at the end of the song.”

“You’re kidding.” He looked close to ripping his cheeks with how wide his smile was stretching.

His eyes flickered to you and a shiver ran down your spine at the way he took one hand off the wheel and leaned against the center console. You were either terrified of him crashing or really turned on by the way his biceps bulged at the movement.

You cleared your throat, “Minho was always really adamant about keeping me away from all the funny business.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Unfortunately not. My brother sucks.”

Chan burst out laughing. “That’s why he pulled that, ‘what are your intentions with my baby sister’ act?”

“He didn’t.”

“He did. But he backed off so quickly, I was convinced that it was a joke.”

You nearly choked, your eyes widening as you suddenly threw yourself around to look at him, unable to feel surprised at the way he was already looking at you with a charming smile.

“He did what?”

“Yeah,” Chan shrugged, shifting back to look at the road. “I asked him why it mattered and he just kind of backed off.”

That was right—Minho was scared of Chan.

You would never forget that fun fact for as long as you lived, and it was all thanks to Bang Chan. It really had you rethinking the whole reason why you were nervous in the first place. Chan was the only person in your life that had managed to get rid of stress rather than add to it, and you were obviously worried over nothing. Chan was amazing.

And you were crazy.

You laughed, catching Chan’s attention, his eyes flickering between your eyes and lips without you noticing. How you had managed to have him whipped within a matter of days was a complete mystery to him. But there he was, staring at your lips and risking his damn life while doing so. Chan was hopeful, he wanted things to go well this time, and he was going to do everything he could to make sure of that.

“Where are you taking me, you maniac?” You giggled in exasperation as he took yet another turn into a neighborhood, house stacked upon house.

Sure, it was nice to drive around with him, but you were beginning to get antsy. Even more so as Chan continued to look over at you and smirk, his smile as infuriating as it was attractive.

“We’re almost there, hold on.”

“That doesn’t tell me where—”

Turning down a dead-end, Chan lifted his hand to your mouth with an emphasized “shhh”.

Maybe he was a maniac and he was planning on killing you as soon as you reached the end of the street. You definitely wouldn’t be able to find your way back to the main road if he tried, so it was definitely a possibility.

“Don’t worry about it.” He hushed.

With a small scoff, you puckered your lips in a pout and they briefly brushed against the palm of his hand. With the action, your eyes widened as his head snapped your direction. Immediately, your lips pulled into a tight line, your stomach tying up in knots as he dropped his hand and let it fall to your thigh, causing your whole body to go ridged. What was wrong with you?

Chan chuckled, patting your thigh in an attempt to dissolve your tenseness, but it only proved to make your clothes feel much tighter than they had been before. You were physically going to melt into the seat with how hot you were getting, and you sure as hell hoped you weren’t sweating as much as you thought you were.

But the feeling of his hand wasn’t unpleasant—it was warm, but not so much that it was uncomfortable, which was surprising considering how your skin was close to melting off the bone. It simply rested there, occasionally he drummed a nonexistent beat against it with his first two fingers, though you suspected that he hadn’t even noticed that he had been doing that.

Without you realizing, he pulled the car into park, his eyes amused as he watched you stare at his hand for a little longer.

Something else—you definitely were.

“We’re here.” Chan said, lifting his hand away from your thigh to pull the key from the ignition.

You weren’t upset that he had moved his hand, but you couldn’t deny that disappointment had started to bubble up.

Looking out your window, you noticed that you were, in fact, at the end of the dead-end road. But instead of a dense thicket of trees or a mountain of concrete blocking it off, there sat a decrepit and grey building. The maroon of the bricks had been worn and chipped, and the large barn looking doors were rusted and close to falling off their hinges. You can tell that it had once been beautiful with the large stone bird watching over on a centered pedestal.

Chan opened his door to get out and you followed, despite how strange it might’ve been that he took you to an abandoned building in the middle of nowhere.

“What is this?” You asked, almost shell shocked at the sheer size of the building as you both stepped closer.

“It’s an old fire station.”

Old didn’t do the place justice—every new fire station you had seen was pristine and white, large open door garages lining the first floor. The one in front of you was nothing like the ones in town.

“I used to live in this neighborhood before I moved to Sydney. I was very young and don’t really remember much about it, but I do remember this place.” He smiled, looking up at the two storied building. “When I came back I never expected it to be still standing after fifteen years. I thought the two would’ve torn it down and built a convenience store there or something, but nope, it’s still here.”

It was nice to see his face light up while talking about something he cared about. It was endearing.

He then grabbed your hand with a small wink and dragged you forward, though you didn’t put up much of a fight at all. Every part of you screamed about how nice his hand felt around yours, how his palms weren’t too calloused to be rough but enough to want them all over the rest of your body. His pale skin pretty with the contrast of his raised veins. Veiny hands were nice… You really were just reverting back to your horny high school self, weren’t you?

You cleared your throat.

“But why did you bring me here?” You questioned, looking warily at the back of his head.

You weren’t scared, but you were almost certain that a building that was decades old wasn’t a normal date site.

“Why not?” Chan shrugged, hoping to god that you couldn’t see just how terrified he was.

“Maybe because I was expecting to go watch a movie or go to a restaurant?”

He glanced back with a raised brow. “Do you want to do those things?”

“I’d rather chew off my foot,” you admitted, catching him off guard for a moment. “But I’m trying to make you feel like the weird one here.”

Weird one indeed. He had spent the entire night before without sleep, not coming up with a new track, but thinking of where exactly to bring you. He contemplated how to explain to you the reason why he was so exhausted and jittery was because he didn’t want you to leave the date thinking that he was some average guy. Chan didn’t want you to think he was boring. So he could be weird if it meant you wanted to see him again.

You shared a smile, both of your nerves fading away with each passing second. Of course, Chan had nothing to worry about.

He proceeded to pull you through the old rickety door of the station, completely ignoring the way the visible slivers of his chest flexed when he tugged the door open with one good yank. Now that you were actually thinking about it, his outfit was one of the best you’d seen him in; a simple black muscle tee topped with a heavy denim jacket, and his jeans whitewashed and ripped.

It was simple but effective considering you couldn’t keep your eyes off the strips of flesh that peaked behind his jacket. If only the autumn breeze had taken a day off.

The further the two of you got into the building, the more excited Chan looked. His eyes lit up and there was suddenly a bounce in his step. Not to mention the way his grip on your hand tightened to the point where he was nearly cutting off the circulation. But it was nice nonetheless. You didn’t have the heart to be upset with him.

Your eyes flew around to all the different old contraptions that must’ve been shiny in their prime. With torn hoses all over the place, and precariously placed pipes, you had no idea whether to be amazed that they hadn’t succumbed to the elements or terrified that if you took one wrong step you would fall and get impaled.

Looking over at Chan, you giggled as he began to unravel a wound up hose, momentarily releasing your hand to act like a complete child.

“So what was your plan when we got here? Get me in a secluded place so you could tie me up and kill me?” You teased, offering him a smile.

Chan wanted to do two of those three things—that was for sure.

“What? You don’t want to explore this magnificent building with me?” He asked despite himself.

“So you didn’t plan some elaborate picnic with candles and fancy homemade French food?”

Chan paused for a moment, lips fighting a smile. You had built up quite the impression on him from the very moment you two met. The hours of preparation was for naught, and Chan could care less.

He hummed, “Well if you mean a blanket on the floor and take-out, then yeah. No candles though. I have a bad feeling that if we were to light any fire within ten miles of this place it would turn to dust. Which would be pretty ironic considering it is a fire station—”

“Are you rambling?”

Chan froze, mouth open to deny your question, but found that it wasn’t completely false and shut it.

“...it’s probably cold too.” He added lastly.

You smiled.

“Sounds good to me.”

You then proceeded to struggle your way up a flight of unstable spiral stairs with Chan close behind—so close that his arms were almost completely around you. He assured you that it was only so he wouldn’t be at fault if you fell. But it felt nice whenever his chest brushed lightly against your back, so you let his lame excuse slide.

The food was, in fact, cold. But it was still good since you really couldn’t go wrong with traditional Korean food.

And so the rest of the evening played out, the two of you sharing pleasantries and learning about one another, with many cracked jokes about your brother and his friends, only strategically avoiding Jisung all together.

Chan went on about his story, how he had two younger siblings back in Australia and a set of loving parents that believed in each and every one of his dreams as he grew up, and supported his pursuit of becoming a producer. You bit your tongue, keeping your questions of “do you miss them?” and “do you still see them?” to yourself. Still, Chan seemed happy enough, you thought. Considering you would be miserable if you had to spend your time with someone who complained and sulked the whole time. You were glad he could talk about his family without falling into a pit of missing them.

That date was pretty perfect, despite its oddities.

Who knew someone could be a by-the-book romantic and an original dork at the same time?

Your own thoughts had you chuckling into your water, almost making you cough, but thankfully Chan hadn’t noticed, his attention too zeroed in on all the food in front of him.

“Oh shit—I forgot all about that thing!” He suddenly exclaimed, his eyes locked on a rusty fireman’s pole that ran up into a hole in the floor. Chan hadn’t even finished his (second) bowl of food when he jumped up and ran up to the death trap. The thing didn’t even have any padding at the bottom to protect someone from breaking their legs, and he was excited about that?

Suddenly, you let out a laugh—it was the kind that comes out unexpectedly and makes a loud, unattractive noise and it surprised you both. Your hand clamped down over your mouth on impulse before your shocked expression broke, a swarm of giggles leaving your covered lips and forcing a pink tinge over your cheeks. Chan could only stare at you in awe, trying to think of everything else that could beat your laugh in the most beautiful sound he had ever heard, but he came up blank.

“Come down the pole with me.”

His words had you freezing mid-laugh, eyes wide.

“What? No way am I doing that. What if I get pole burn?”

“Here,” Chan threw his jacket over your shoulders, surprising you with the flood of warmth cascading around you. “Now you can’t get pole burn.”

You pushed your arms through the arms of the jacket, silently relishing in the warm weight.

“Ah, look at you Romeo. I see that you’re trying to make up for all the years I missed going on dates. How romantic.”

“I try.”

With a wink, he was grabbing onto the pole all of a sudden and wrapping his legs around it. You barely had time to stare at the image of his thick biceps curling around the pole before he was descending down it with a laugh of his own. You leaned forward to watch him hit the floor, his knees bending to absorb the impact. He smiled up at you, the sight blinding.

“Your turn!”

“Did I ever mention that I’m kind of allergic to bad ideas?”

Chan snickered, leaning his hands on the pole and shaking it to show you just how “sturdy” the thing was. The wiggle and creak didn’t set you at ease, that was for sure.

“Oh, come on, Y/n. You just watched me do it!” Was his genius response.

The night was beginning to just become you counting how many times Chan said or did something that made you think he was a child.

“Okay, I just don’t understand why you want me to go down this damn pole! Is it some right of passage or something? Do you only go out with the girls who have the balls to do something this stupid?”

“Slide down here and find out.”

He got you there. You really did want to find out.

So you bit the inside of your cheek and wrapped your shaky hands around the rust crusted pole. How Chan managed to do so so easily without sleeves was baffling and a little sexy for whatever stupid reason. You had a thick layer of denim protecting you, and you still felt like you were going to be filleted open.

“Don’t think about it,” he encouraged with a soft voice. “Just jump. I’ve got you.”

And at the words of a poet, you squeezed your eyes shut and held your breath, taking a step off the wooden floor and letting gravity pull you down. You could hear the rust tug and catch on the fabric of Chan’s jacket, but only for a second, because it only lasted a second before you felt hands grab your sides and pillow your impact. A surge of adrenaline had you breathing heavy as Chan cheered lightly in your ear.

“There. You did it.” He poked your forehead with a chuckle, getting you to open your blown eyes. “You have successfully completed the initiation.”

Your heart felt heavy and beat hard against your ribs as he straightened you out, hands finding purchase in his jacket. Subtly he was admiring how you looked in his clothes, but he would never admit that sappy fact to anyone.

You smiled; admittedly shakily. “Ah, yes. Validation. My favorite.”

Chan admired how you could keep releasing quips despite your fear. You weren’t one to be deterred, that was for sure.

“You have an unlimited supply of sarcasm in you, huh?”

“I don’t know. It hasn’t run out yet.”

He smiled and you smiled, it was a good moment—the best of the day. A moment where you were glad you listened to him and literally took the leap. Ready to take another one, your eyes dropped to his lips and his dropped to yours.

And he finally leaned forward, pressing his lips to yours.

You weren’t completely caught off guard, but you definitely were. His hand that wasn’t preoccupied with fiddling with your fingers found your face, palm cupping your jaw and urging your head to tilt to meet his kiss better. It was gentle, as you had expected from Chan, and you were thankful for that.

His lips were softer than you expected and you prayed that the hand that held your cheek wouldn't be able to feel the way your face was burning. The way he intertwined your fingers was more intimate than the kiss itself and you couldn’t help but feel yourself getting light-headed. You lost yourself to the way your shared breaths echoed around the large room every time your lips separated only to reconnect again immediately.

Your first kiss—well, your first real kiss. Surely that one you had shared with Kang Chanhee back in your first year of high school didn’t count. You had only gotten away with it since Minho was home sick that day, anyway.

It was much warmer than your last kiss, that was for sure. His jacket kept you shielded from the cold air and his body secreted a natural heat that had you pressing closer, which in turn sent him a signal to push forward as well.

Suddenly, his teeth bit down on the sensitive flesh of your lip, pulling a taut gasp from your throat.

The noise had Chan withholding a groan, pushing him to break the passionate exchange, his hazy eyes meeting your wide ones.

“What’s wrong?” You asked, voice small and unsure.

He could see the way your lips shined with not only your spit but his own. In some sick and twisted way, he was pleased to see the redness that the kiss brought to your puckered lips. It was satisfying. It was a sort of claim, and he was proud to hold it.

"Nothing. Just admiring my work." He grinned.

You hardly had time to register his words when the hand wrapped around yours was used to yank you forward, Chan’s mouth finding yours once again in a quick peck, leaving you just about a hundred degrees warmer than you originally felt.

[kpopfanfictrash]

s is for sexy

Author: kpopfanfictrash

Pairing: Jungkook

Word Count: 1,532

Rating: PG-13

Summary: An accompanying drabble to The Art of War More. This drabble takes place after the events of both TAOM and L is for Lunacy. Jungkook is included in People magazine’s Sexiest Men Alive issue, but you can’t find a copy anywhere.

[ PART OF MY JUNGKOOK BIRTHDAY DRABBLE GAME ]

“We’ve made a terrible mistake,” you complained, sinking down on a park bench to rest your chin in one hand.

Coming to a stop, Gina craned her neck to peer over her shoulder. “I agree,” she said. “We should’ve stopped and gotten donuts at that shop I pointed out.”

“Gina.” You looked up. “Read the room, alright?”

“Right, sorry.”

She grinned, plopping down on the park bench beside you. Adjusting her green and white striped shorts, Gina lifted a hand to scan the horizon. A few children played on the slide at the playground, their innocent cackles drifting over the hedges.

Utterly exhausted, you sighed. “We should give up.”

“No!” Gina turned to face you, appalled. “We’re not stopping until we’ve combed every newsstand in the city. Until we’ve harassed every bodega owner! Until our names are plastered under persona non grata in every library!”

Normally, Gina’s speeches were enough for you to crack a smile, but not today. Today was the day Jungkook’s big magazine article was released and you had woefully dropped the ball. To be fair, Seokjin had suggested you order the volume ahead of time, since the People’s Sexiest Men issue tended to sell out, but you completely forgot.

Jungkook had stayed on campus through Senior year, but then had immediately entered the NHL. This was his second full season with the team and already, he was garnering national attention. Much of this was due to a viral clip of your boyfriend removing his jersey at the end of game five of the western conference finals, but said clip wouldn’t have gone viral if Jungkook had been on the bench.

The fact that he got playing time in his first season was remarkable – let alone that he was playing in the semis and was now considered the league’s It boy. Already there were rumors of him being nominated for end of year awards. Jungkook was excited about those, of course, but you and your friends were more excited for this. People’s Sexiest Men Alive.

He wasn’t the cover, of course – that was reserved for A list celebrities – but it seemed Jungkook’s abs had been enough to land him a mention. You’d planned on wallpapering the apartment door with the photo before he got home tomorrow, but that wouldn’t happen if you couldn’t get your hands on a copy.

Unfortunately for you, the issue seemed to be sold out.

Sighing again, you folded your arms over your chest. “Has Seokjin said anything to you?” you asked Gina. “Was he able to find one?”

“How should I know?” she said, somewhat defensive. “It’s not like I know everything Seokjin does or says.”

You stared at her for a moment, unsure how to respond. “Uh – I know?”

“Right.” Gina swallowed, somewhat mollified. “Why don’t we call him?”

Shaking your head at her weirdness, you pulled your phone from your pocket. Honestly, Gina and Seokjin had been acting mad weird lately. They acted all cagey and awkward whenever you asked one about the other. If you didn’t know better, you’d almost think they were fighting.

Dialing Seokjin’s number, you leaned back on the bench and listened to his ringback tone. Kim Seokjin was one of the only people you knew – well, him and your aunt – who still had that feature, and Seokjin hadn’t bothered to update his since 2011. It was still Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen.

HEY, I JUST MET YOU! AND THIS IS CRAZ –

“Hello?”

“Seokjin,” you groaned. “When are you going to change that dumb ringback tone?”

“Whenever Carly Rae goes out of style, so never.”

Gina, having overheard, cracked up beside you.

“Anyways,” you said, switching to your other ear. “Any luck on the search?”

“Sorry, but nope. Seems your boyfriend is more in demand than that one donut shop Gina always wants to go to.”

“That, or it’s the fact that Michael B. Jordan’s on the cover.”

“Yeah, probably that.”

“Alright,” you sighed, picking a thread on your jeans. “Thanks for trying, Seokjin.”

“Anytime,” he said and hung up.

As you shoved your phone in your purse, Gina looked at you warily. “No luck?”

“Nope.”

“Hm.” Gina leaned back on the bench. “Maybe we should switch gears here, get creative. We could cut out semi-nude photos of Jungkook and stick them to the pages of last year’s edition!”

“Where would I get last year’s issue, though?”

“Good point.” Gina thought. “You could just stick semi-nude photos of Jungkook to your front door?”

“Gina,” you laughed, shoving her shoulder. “Stop stripping my boyfriend!”

“There it is!” Gina beamed. “I knew I could get you to laugh.”

Shaking your head, your smile faded a little. Gina was right though, this was silly. It would’ve been fun for Jungkook to come home from his away game to this, but it was hardly the end of the world. You would just order a copy online and wait.

Heaving a great sigh, you stood from the bench. “Okay,” you said, turning to Gina. “Let’s head out.”

Gina convinced you to go to the donut shop at least, so you didn’t arrive home empty-handed. That was the reason she gave you at least, although you knew it had more to do with her recently launched donut Instagram.

The box was precariously perched on your hip as you shoved open the door, placing the keys on the hook to kick the door shut. As you turned to walk inside, you started – nearly dropping the entire box of donuts on the floor.

“Jungkook?” you gasped.

Chucking the box on the counter, you dashed across the room.

Jungkook laughed when you reached him, immediately jumping to wrap your legs around his waist. He caught you easily, warm hands on your waist as you buried your face in his chest. Somewhat awkwardly, he walked you towards the kitchen.

“You’re back!” you blurted, pulling back to see him.

Jungkook grinned, rosy-cheeked from your touch. “I’m back,” he agreed, depositing you on the kitchen counter. “Miss me?”

“How?” you demanded, poking his chest. “How’d you get home so fast?”

“I feel so welcome,” Jungkook teased. At the look on your face, he grinned. “Coach cancelled tomorrow’s practice, so I caught a flight back today.”

“Yay,” you said happily, leaning to rest your head on his chest.

The steady thrum of his heartbeat reassured you and for a moment, you allowed yourself to enjoy this. Jungkook smelled as he always did, like light floral and cotton, and the weight of his hands on your thighs made your heart calm.

His thumbs played with the thread on your jeans, which sent your mind to other places – places involving your bed, his ass and zero clothes – but for now, you were content with this.

“What’s in the box?” he murmured into your hair.

“Oh, right,” you said and pulled back. Twisting around, you dragged the donut box towards you and popped the top. “Some might be a bit squished since I threw them. Gina and I went to the new donut place on Lakeview.”

Jungkook’s eyes went super-wide. He immediately bent to grab the closest donut, powdered sugar getting everywhere when he bit into the side.

“Yum.” Jungkook’s eyes rolled exaggeratedly back in his head. “Wow, this is the best welcome home I’ve ever gotten. There’s you, of course, but also – donuts.”

“Obviously,” you said. “There was actually supposed to be another surprise, but I kind of messed it up.”

Jungkook licked powdered sugar off his wrist. “Messed something up? You? Don’t buy it.”

“Suck up,” you teased. “But no, really. I wanted to get your People’s Sexiest Men edition! I was going to plaster it across the front door and embarrass you.”

Jungkook grimaced. “As fun as that sounds, the donuts are better.”

“What? You aren’t proud of how sexy you are?”

“I don’t care about that.” Jungkook swallowed the last of the donut. “As long as you find me sexy.”

Tipping your head back, you groaned. “Okay, now you’re seriously sucking up.”

“Mm.” Placing his hands on either side of your thighs, Jungkook’s nose grazed your jawline. “Anything else you want me to suck?”

“Jungkook!”

Drawing back, his gaze glinted darkly. “Besides, why do you need that photo of me with my shirt off?”

You frowned, perturbed and he reached one hand overhead. Still looking at you, Jungkook did that stupid-hot thing guys do where they remove their shirt with one hand. When his six pack abs were revealed, they left you a bit speechless.

Flexing a little, Jungkook grinned. “You have the real thing.”

“Shut up,” you groaned, shoving his pec. Oh – hard. Sliding down from the counter, you began walking towards the bedroom. “But since you offered…”

Jungkook waggled his brows. “I did.”

“Get in there, sexiest man alive,” you laughed. “Show me what you got.”

“Alright.” Jungkook caught himself on the doorframe with both hands. “But before we go any further, I feel compelled to clarify I’m not People’s sexiest man, just one of them. Michael B. Jordan is the sexiest man alive.”

“Jungkook!” You pointed through the door. “Bed!”

“Yes, ma’am,” he said with a salute.

You stared after him, grinning stupidly before following.

 kpopfanfictrash, 2020. Do not copy or repost without permission.

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

Since I didn’t want to keep on adding asks and answers to the original post on fan service, seeing as that post is already so long, I thought I’d make a second post since we got two more asks. I intended for the answers to be relatively short, but well, that didn’t quite turn out that way, lol.

From anon: Since you were talking about fanservice. In performances, no doubt those were somewhat fanservice. But do you think those vmin moments we get after BTS was called on stage during award season was also fanservice. Like the moment in your header and others in MMA 2019 Or the hug and lift in MGA 2018 or in SMA 2019?

I don’t think whatever the members do after the announcement is made that they won an award is fan service. That would mean their excitement and happiness is also just a staged thing for our entertainment, which sounds and is quite dehumanizing when you think about it. I think in those moments we simply see their raw reactions and natural interactions, like the times when Tae and Jimin would hug before turning and joining the group hug before they would go on stage together to pick up whichever award they’ve just won.

Some of it is silly, like Jimin trying and failing to pick up Tae, but saying that’s fan service would imply that they decided in advance that they would do that but I doubt Tae would agree to it if he knew Jimin would drop him, lol. It’s simply a glimpse at their happiness and relief, at the members being excited together. Do they still guard their emotions and interactions to some extent? Of course since they are not only on camera but also surrounded by thousands of people in the audience watching them. But their smiles and hugs when going to pick up an award are still all real.

From anon: I saw the shipping war yesterday. So I would like to ask you for a post about the influence of BTS members on how they stand during the interview or who sits next to whom during the video shoot? Who decides who will be paired with whom during the photo session. That's why I ask, because I don't believe that the members choose their partners and common accessories for their clothing themselves. Thank you in advance because it's so annoying.

All that “drama” was sparked by part 2 of Lee Hyun’s YT video in which he takes on the role of being one of the BTS managers and accompanies them to the filming of the Dynamite and Butter performances for SeriusXM. There we see him check out the set, much the way any of the Bangtan managers and security would, and at one point he sits down on the sofa where we see name cards placed around marking who will sit where. Meaning that this isn’t something the members decide on the spot but is something that is decided by someone else.

Why is it like this? I’ve never worked at a set like this but I would say chances are it’s because the filming crew rehearses the performance before the members even arrive on set. I could imagine that random crew members either sit on those spots holding up the name cards, or maybe the name cards themselves are enough, while the music is playing and they plan out how each member will be filmed, what the order is in which they sing, and which members might sing together and be worth showing together. This makes the actual filming easier and quicker, especially for the members themselves. And we still saw that they filmed several takes out of which the final posted performance is edited together. 

What does this mean? Not much, really. Just that ship theories based on x and y sitting together in performances often or insecure asks about why x and y don’t sit together often are both pointless. I wouldn’t quite call this fan service, but surely there are some deciding factors that go into those choices though it means that, since the members don’t care, and they don’t decide this since it doesn’t matter, we shouldn’t really care or make a big deal out of it either. It also means that whoever does decide the seat placement knows that everyone in Bangtan has so much chemistry together that regardless of who will sit next to who, it’ll be great either way.

Besides this isn’t high school where besties want to always sit next to each other and everyone is avoiding the nerds or losers. It’s seven guys who love and respect each other equally, so really, what does it matter if Namjoon sits next to Hobi or Jimin or Yoongi? And sure, am I happy when vmin or namjin sit next to each other during a performance? Obviously. Do I see any kind of indication of the state of their bond in them not sitting together? Obviously not, and now even less.

It’s also similar in photoshoots with someone from the crew deciding who will stand where and more or less what general poses will work best for whichever atmosphere is supposed to be created. We’ve seen it with the jacket sh*oting of MOTS7 for the subunit photos where Jimin talks with JK about how they’ve been in photoshoot subunits for a while now and JK says it’d be nice to shake things up a bit, so it’s a preplanned thing they have no say in really, or in the jacket sh*oting for BTS, THE BEST where a crew member placed Tae between JK and Seokjin. After all BTS are seven members, and just like I said with performances and concerts, if all of them were to just do whatever they want, everything would take an incredibly long time and be needlessly chaotic.

As for accessories, it’s the same case, as in a team of stylists decides who will wear what for whichever performance. Like during the NTV The Music Butter performance where most of the members wore the same bracelets, rings and earrings from Cartier. 

Most likely the stylists, along with the set designers, decide on a theme for an upcoming performance and using that as guide, the stylists buy seven sets of outfits and jewelry that would fit it. Otherwise, if each members stylist would just buy whatever they feel like it, we’d end up with a mess, as in for instance Tae wearing only bright colors, Hobi looking like he’s a goth vampire, Namjoon went back to the 80s and Jimin emerged in something straight out of a dystopian movie.

Edit: As someone rightfully mentioned in the comments, I should’ve mentioned that the members surely have some freedom of input in the outfit choices and the possibility of saying no to certain things if they decidedly don’t like them. Same as with their make up where we know Jimin is very particular about how he wants his to look like. 

Are there sometimes exceptions where some members share some kind of accessories? Sure, like with vmin and the ear muffs during one of the photoshoots for Winter Package, as example. Or now in the preview for the Permission to Dance performance and Butterful Gateaway on NOW where they were those yeehaw cowboy outfits and vmin are the only ones with a single feather earring. Or in 2020 during the Grammys for their Old Town Road performance where Tae and Jimin shared brown and blue contact lenses, which I’ve never seen any of them do before.

[earthlyyan]

Organic Antidepressants

(Slight Yandere Ferid Bathory x Suicidal Reader) originally posted on my AO3

Warnings: Ferid being touchy, suicidal depression, intrusive thoughts. Reader is of legal age

first person pov (ew)

(Originally Posted on AO3 On 1-9-2020)

The days were far longer than they were before… at least it felt that way.

I knew I should’ve died that day. I wish I had died that day. The day the trumpets of the apocalypse decided to ring gloriously over our god forsaken planet.

Anyone younger than thirteen? What a fucking joke.

The cot stuffed with hay was one of the few things that brought me comfort in the day to day. The odd number of children allowed for me to be alone. I liked it that way. More me time. And the most I wanted to do was return to it. But instead, my feet dragged down the busy streets, making my way to the blood bank.

On my way though, I could hear the guards making excuses to their superiors. Apparently three humans on the register were found dead in their terf. 

“They committed suicide. You know how they get when they’re cooped up. I didn’t touch them, honest.”

 “They got sick. Died of their illness I guess.”

Bastards took them for themselves. Everyone knew it. But were they going to confront them? They weren’t protected. The vamps just thought they could get away with it.

“Hey we have enough. Three won’t make a dent.”

Not even caring that those children had futures. Well, would’ve had futures. Those were stripped away as quick as the adults were.

I wanted to be happy. We all did.

But in this place? Laughable. You had a better chance of being an astronaut. Well… maybe not. But it sure felt that way.

You know how to be happy right?

 “First and Last name?”

I answered.

“First open table.”

No matter how many times I’ve done this already, the dread won’t leave. The feeling of their eyes. I could see the barely restrained hunger. If anyone was left alone, they’d take a bag for the rations and the kid for themselves.   

You could ask the vamp to take extra.

I shuddered and plopped myself on the medical bed. “Good morning.”

An unamused grunt was my reply. I was the scum of the earth not worth talking to, apparently.

He’s right, isn’t he?

The needle was quick. He hadn’t even bothered to give a warning. It was a pinch, a wave of nausea, and then it was over. He tossed the pouch of their nasty sustenance formula in my hands and pointed to the door.

“Thanks.” I walked out and threw myself on the floor beside the benches. I opened my disgusting capri-sun wannabe and began to suck on it. I cringed at the taste.

There were two boys on the stairs. One obviously more displeased about the situation than the other. He crinkled the full bag and threw it across the clearing. If I had the balls and the same cripplingly low amount of braincells as he did, I would probably do the same.

The other boy, far more mature than the other, stood up after chugging his to throw his pouch away. He seemed to be taking the situation much better than the other. He had beautiful blonde hair and deep blue eyes. If he wasn’t in this hell hole, he could’ve been a child model.

The thought made me sad. What could’ve been. I could’ve been somebody.

Maybe you’ll get a fresh start in the next life.

 Apparently, I had zoned out far longer than I thought because the next thing I knew, a fight had broken out.

 If you could call a young boy threatened to be chucked off the ledge a fight anyway. He was soon thrown to the side with enough force to send him reeling.

 A well-dressed vampire walked with purpose down the stairs. Shoulders back, chin up. He seemed regal.

He certainly looked like royalty.

“Lord Ferid!” The little blonde boy ran up to him. The two seemed close enough, which sent my mind reeling.

How does a kid get that close with a nobleman like him? They seem friendly.

“Ah~ Mika!” The noble -presumably named Ferid- gave him a kind smile. “What on earth seems to be the matter?”

He talked like royalty too.

I couldn’t stop staring. After a few minutes of banter, the noble took his hand from the blonde’s face and sent him on his way. He had said something about meeting at his mansion. I brought myself up from the floor and chased after the blonde.

*

Two days after the talk with Mika, I stood at the noble’s door.

“If you give your blood, he’ll give you anything you want!”

I rose an eyebrow. “Really? Anything?”

Mika nodded proudly. “Yup! Though he’s busy tonight. But the day after I’d try it.”

Maybe he can take the pain away.

 I took a few controlled breaths. This screamed danger. It’s a vampire. They kill people

Why are you so scared? It’s not like your life could get worse.

I knocked on his door.

It swung open, seemingly on its own accord. The motion invited me in. Once I was past the threshold, I gently closed the door and looked inside.

There he sat, lounging on a tasteful white couch with gold accented frames. In the dim candlelight he almost resembled an angel.

An angel of death, perhaps?

He looked up from his book and turned his attention towards me. My body froze. I felt my self-confidence leave. Not like I had much left anyway.

He called my name, somehow. Mika must’ve told him or something. Though, something nagged at me. I don’t remember telling Mika my name. Mika hadn’t even told me his. It was all overheard. Then how?

“Come, sit.” He patted the seat next to him on the couch.

 I sat down on the chair across from him instead.

“Over here, my dear.” He patted the spot next to him louder, trying to coax me over like I were an animal.

Though, that’s probably how he saw my species anyway, isn’t it?

“My dearest Mika had told me about your visit a few nights ago. I wouldn’t have thought he would’ve told anyone about the little arrangement I have going on here, but I’m not complaining.” He sighed, seemingly content. “I wasn’t expecting someone of your age to be here, how are you still here? You have me curious.”

“If I’m honest, milord, I don’t quite know.” I said, trying to keep my voice as steady as possible. But the calculating feeling of his gaze made it harder. “Luck? Possibly?”

“Luck?” He leaned back and turned himself towards me. “Is it truly luck?”

“With all due respect, what’s that supposed to mean?”

You know what he means, and you know he’s right.

He smiled at me, not meeting my eyes. Ah. Okay.

“So, what are you hoping to get out of this?” He scooted closer. “As much as I’d like to think you’re here out of the kindness of your heart, we both know that isn’t the case, now is it?”

I nodded; heat crept its way up my face. “Yeah, but I suppose that doesn’t make me irregular.” I grumbled. “But I suppose that also makes me boring doesn’t it?”

He shrugged. “That entirely depends on you, my dear.”

I tugged at my uniform and cleared my throat. “Yeah I guess that’s fair.”

“Back to the topic at hand, yes?” He smiled and placed a gloved hand on my shoulder.

I suppressed a shudder. “Right. I guess I should cut to the chase.” I finally had the courage to look into his eyes.

Those damn eyes, despite the almost ravenous look in them, I couldn’t help but find them entrancing. Like shiny rubies in where his irises should be. He raised his eyebrows, awaiting an answer.

“Antidepressants.”

And I would’ve never thought his grin could get bigger. “Antidepressants? Now that’s something I haven’t heard before.”

In a place like this? Really? “I’m sure you would’ve heard everything by now.”

“And I thought I would’ve heard it all by now too. But I suppose not.” He ran his hand down my back

I gingerly grabbed his hand and put it back on his lap. “Sorry.” I mumbled.

“No~ Don’t apologize. It’s quite alright.” He folded his hands in his lap, he smiled at me. “If I were in a situation like yours, I don’t think I’d want to be touched either.”

My gaze fell. “Right. A situation like mine.” I slapped my cheeks gently to liven myself up. “Back to the deal though.”

“Actually, before we continue, what do you need them for? Medicine isn’t allowed down here unless regulated, considering how it effects the blood. Someone as old as you should know that.”

“Yeah, but why else would someone need antidepressants?”

He stared at me. His expression left no room for argument. He wanted an answer. His lips tugged into a smile. A kind looking one, but it left something unsaid.

“Why do you really need them?”

It’s not like you have anything else to lose, right? Tell him. You’ll feel better. He can make you better.

I sighed and ran my hands through my hair, leaning back onto the couch. “Look, how old do you think I am?”

“Too old to be here at this age, certainly.” He shrugged and made himself comfortable next to me. Close enough to grab me, but far enough not to invade my personal bubble.

“And why do you think that is?” I looked to the wall, hoping to find a distraction to focus on anything else but how close he was. But found nothing but pristine white.

“This world’s god is cruel.” He said. “It seemed they chose to bless you instead of damning you to the fate of your elders.”

I laughed. “Bless me?” I ran my hands faster through my hair, tugging at the ends to ground me. “What kind of blessing is this? I’m stuck down here to live until old age, vitamin deficiency or illness takes me? I’d rather be with my friends and family.”

You could join them. There’s plenty of spaces to do so. You could fly like an angel.

“You could always make your situation better.” His voice softened.

“That’s why I’m here.” I took my hands from my hair and began to fiddle with my identification tag. “I thought if I struck a deal with you, I’d get the opportunity to make things better. To make things as they should be.”

“But if you were to make things as they should be, then I know the real reason you want those pills, don’t you?”

“I didn’t mean it like that I—” I felt my throat close. Tears stung the back of my eyes, I fought desperately to bite them back.

This didn’t go unnoticed.

“You did, and it’s okay.” His hand made its way to my hair. I couldn’t find the strength to fight him. It’s not like he was going to harm me if he wanted this deal to work. “You know your very existence is a burden to you. And you want to fix it. You humans were always so independent.” He whispered. He paused to take off his glove and used his sharp nails to comb my hair. “But you know it’s okay to ask for help, right?”

 “Nobody would give me help. They wouldn’t understand or wouldn’t care. I’d rather just…” I swallowed hard.

“End it? Now don’t be ridiculous.” He placed my head on his shoulder, presumably for easier access. “What if there truly isn’t a happy end if you end it? You’d lament not fixing it while you could. And suicide isn’t beneficial to anyone, little lamb.” His hand reached to touch my face. Despite his hands being cold, something inside me warmed.

This can’t be right. It isn’t right. He’s a vampire he’s just like the rest of them—

But he cares.

No. He doesn’t he just wants me to think he does.

But what if he truly does care?

“Why are you even trying to talk me down? Wouldn’t it be better for you to just give me the pills and then you get a drink?” It’s not like I didn’t have a plan B if he said no.

“How selfish do you think I am? I’m wounded.” He pulled my head onto his lap, his hands playing with tufts and braiding the longer pieces. “Who would want someone else to take their life for the sake of a meal?”

I averted my eyes. I sounded like a dick now. “I didn’t think of it like that. I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize. That seems to be a nasty habit that you’ll have to break.” He said. “And I have an idea that could be beneficial to both of us in the long term, if you’re interested.” His hand moved my head to look up. I could see his furrowed brow and soft smile. I felt the remaining fears I had slowly dissipate.

“Yeah?”

“You can stay with me. I think I would miss you if you were gone.”

“You… You would?”

“Of course, I would. You’re full of untapped potential. And I think I could help ease those pains preventing them from coming to fruition.” He smiled. “All you have to do is say yes~.”

I slowly sat up, taking in his words.

He could make you feel wanted. You didn’t need to run anymore.

“I…”

You could have someone take care of you and like you for you, isn’t that all you’ve wanted? Someone who knows how to make things better? Someone who can save you?

“I think… I would like that.”

His smile reached his eyes. “As would I, my dear.” He hoisted me onto his lap. “Now, to seal the deal.” He unbuttoned the top few buttons of my uniform and removed my identification collar. “Have you ever been bitten directly?”

I shook my head.

“Now don’t worry. It won’t hurt for long. Like a pinprick.” He gave my nose a small bop. “Like a more organic needle. Just, try not to squirm too much. I don’t want to accidentally rip your internal carotid, and I’m sure you wouldn’t want that either.”

I took a deep breath. “Okay…” I tried to calm my nerves. “okay I can do this.”

He placed his hand on the small of my back and gently pushed me to his chest. “On the count of three, alright?”

I flexed my fingers, trying to ease my nerves. “Alright…”

“One…”

I felt his warm breath on my neck, making me tense.

He rubbed my head with his free hand. “Two…”

I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Three.”

It was much more painful than he had said. It felt like two spears digging perpendicularly into my skin. Slow and agonizing. I gripped his coat tightly. His hands continued to attempt to soothe me.

“Shhh~ The pain won’t last much longer.” He cooed. I could feel his lips moving on my skin at he talked.

The pain didn’t go away, but something arose within. The area where his fangs pierced me grew numb. I could still feel his fangs in my skin, its presence foreign. But it wasn’t uncomfortable.

It felt like warmth and welcome, if those feelings could resonate inside. My mind grew foggier. Pleasantly ignorant. I couldn’t hear anything else but the faint slurping and my own heartbeat. It was nice. I felt my eyes roll back and my body grow weaker. I gave Ferid’s coat a fatigued tug.

He pulled away slowly, and I whined at the loss. I slumped against his shoulder, the last of my remaining strength left along with his fangs.

His hand moved from the back of my head to my shoulders. He stood up with me in his arms. My eyes fought to stay open. I saw the faint image of Ferid’s face with a small stream of blood falling from his lips.

The light from the candle illuminated the space behind him, bathing him in a heavenly glow. He seemed a little livelier than before, too.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

I tried to get a word out, but it came out a strangled whimper.

He smiled and shook his head, tutting softly. “I think I took too much, don’t you?” He walked down the hall with my limp body in his arms.

Ferid arrived in a large bedroom and placed me neatly under the covers and tucked me in. He sat next to me on my left side. He brushed a few stray hairs from my face and gave me a small kiss on the forehead.

“I do believe you need your rest. I’ll be back when you wake, my dear. I promise.” His hand moved from my forehead to my cheek as he gave it one final caress.

In my failing consciousness, I heard a gentle laugh

“Sleep well my lamb you’ll feel better in the morning. You’ll never feel empty again.”

And in the enveloping darkness, I saw him smirk.

[channiebbang]

alone.

synopsis: changbin and y/n's relationship, although it started beautifully, hit rock bottom a long time ago and while he fell headfirst into his university life and all the chaos and craziness that comes with it, she was left behind. while he had the time of his life for the first time ever she was drowning in the arms of her biggest enemy and friend, loneliness and self doubt. changbin hears her cries of help a little too late.

characters: Changbin, Main Character, a smidge of Bang Chan.

pairing: unistudent!changbin x f.maincharacter

genre: angst, das all, just angst

word count: 1.9k

warnings: description of being left behind and feeling forgotten, loneliness and self doubt.

author’s note: i think i wrote this someday during spring of 2020, when i wasn't in a good place. this hits a bit close to home and is way too personal but bc i'm a person that doesn't really express themselves that much i found out writing helps a lot so here it is lol i hope you enjoy reading this 💛

She felt small sitting under Changbin's cold gaze, her eyes kept shifting here and there to always end up falling down to her twiddling fingers.

It had been a little over fifteen minutes, and he hadn't said a word. She knew what the matter was, but she was scared of where this was leading.

"Tell me what's up," Changbin suddenly said. Y/n's head snapped up at his voice. Her eyes stared at his face for a while.

"What?" She muttered, hating how hesitant she sounded. When did things become so uncomfortable.

"What's wrong with you?" He asked again, his usual higher, sweet voice now low and gruff. Y/n gulped.

Suddenly she understood why everyone said Changbin was scary when angry, although she didn't know if he was angry or upset. Either ways, it was scary.

"I don't understand," she mumbled only for him to quickly snap back.

"Bullshit. Tell me," he demanded, arms crossed. And god, it was so intimidating.

"Can you not intimidate me so much," she asked, a nervous snicker leaving her lips. Changbin didn't give any signs of change. Y/n cleared her throat her eyes falling once again to her fingers.

"You want to break up?" Changbin suddenly asked, his voice cold and almost mocking. Y/n closed her eyes, head down. She felt so small in front of him.

Things hadn't been going the best between them for a while. And where it first started because Changbin couldn't keep his promise of always making time for her when she needed it, it followed with her slowly distancing herself and closing off. The loneliness too much to bear at times.

And she got so used to him not being there that she made friends with the loneliness. It provided her more comfort than Changbin did.

She knew she shouldn't have put so much of herself into a guy, after all it happened before too. But Changbin was different.

He had to be, right? He was my bestfriend, he knew me so well. I had no reason to watch my back as I let myself fall with my eyes closed. He could read me so well. Then why wasn't he there when I called for him? Why was I cast aside the same way I was before? Why did he forget what I cried to him about in the past while I was with someone else? How did he forget about his bestfriend?

He promised. As soon as you feel like I'm not giving you enough time, you tell me, and I will drop whatever I'm doing to talk to you and vice versa, he said. If you need me at any moment, you call me, and I will too, he said. I want this to work, i love you so much, he said. I will try my best so it doesn't get to the point where I don't give you enough time, he said.

So when she called the first time why did he snicker and tell her he had to figure some stuff out now that he was in university, with it being the first few weeks of it, and things being chaotic. And she understood.

But then he was figuring things out, sorting out his schedule, socializing, partying, making new friends, hanging out with them, going to classes, having meetings with the clubs he joined. And where did she fall in between all that? So she understood.

And when she couldn't, she called him asking for just a ten minute call a day, she would be okay with just that. Just ten minutes of his attention.

And you can call her an attention whore, that's okay. She can be one for her boyfriend if she wanted to, she had every right to ask for a little of his attention.

But why didn't she receive that ten minute call after the fourth day? Why were his texts coming in so late?

30 minutes. 1 hour. 2 hours. 3 hours.

She trusted him, blindly, she knew him all too well not to. He was her bestfriend.

So she called again, tried to get her ten minute call. He was never alone. Friends always surrounding him, and where she was glad and happy for him that he clicked with a circle in university, so he didn't have to be alone and drowning in his thoughts, she also sat there, on the phone with him, while he sat there with his friends.

And she spoke, fuck, she tried to tell him stuff that happened in her daily life like she always did. She just wanted to fucking talk to her bestfriend like she did the past five years. But who would she speak to when he wasn't listening to a word she said.

So sometimes she would abruptly stop talking and see if he'd notice. He wouldn't. And if he would it would be when it's been too silent on the other side and he would say, "hello? You there?" "Yeah!" She would say in a light voice, so he wouldn't notice.

And then she was the one drowning. And she hated water, goddammit, she hated it so much, she was terrified of it but she would choose that over the drowning she was going through.

The voices in her head too many, drowning her, screaming over her, comforting her. Because now someone was talking.

Comfort was loneliness, and again, she got used to the sweet lullaby the silence would sing. So loud, yet so calming.

Because silence can't hurt you, loneliness can't disappoint you. They won't ever leave you.

And in months, she was closed off once again.

Where she had her bestfriend in the past, she had no one now.

And she hated herself for it, she hated it because she lost her bestfriend. The only person that could ever help her, the only person that she could ever run to, the only person that she could say anything to.

Suddenly she had no one to help her, that she could run to or that she could talk to.

And everything was back on being suffocating. The empty feeling sucking her in it's black hole, the constant lost feeling looming over her.

She couldn't talk to him about herself anymore, she just couldn't.

So she knew he was meaninglessly taunting her with that question, but was it even appropriate when he knew they were on the rocks? Was he so willing to ask such a risky thing when she was so used to being alone?

Changbin stared at the girl in front of him, wondering what happened.

She used to be so full of light, so full of life. And now she was just a shell of her old self. She was doing so good, they were doing so good.

And he knew it was mostly his fault, and damn, did he hate himself for it. He should've seen it before. The signs were obvious.

How did he not see it? He had spent a lot of his time in the arms of the same loneliness for so long, how did he not see it?

He had spent so much of his teenage life, if not all of it, drowning in his own loneliness, his own voices. He had been lost for so long, and she was the one that gave him hope. She helped him without even realizing. Hell, even he didn't know. Then how did he let this happen to her?

What games was fate playing with him?

He had told her so many times how small things she did or said helped him cope up so much when he was the one drowning. His bestfriend was the light at the end of the tunnel.

How did he push her down the same tunnel he struggled to come out of? The same tunnel she helped him out of? How did he turn his back on the same hands that helped steady him without even knowing anything? How dare he?

He saw her in this state before, he helped her out of it when that bastard shoved her too deep into the claws of self hatred. Loneliness her most comforting friend back then too. He helped her out of it, then how did he let her fall again?

His hands felt clammy now, his body heating up as he tried to keep his emotions at bay.

She gulped down the lump in her throat, not wanting him to see her weak and bothered. She didn't want to worry him. She hated the thought of him thinking he had to watch over her, he had to keep her from falling again. She didn't want to be a burden, she felt like that her whole life already.

She took a deep breath as she looked up at him, a small sad smile on her lips and Changbin held in his breath not believing but also knowing where this was going. And it broke the couple's heart.

"That would be the most reasonable think to do, don't you think?" She asked, and fuck why did she have to sound so sweet yet so heartbreaking? He thought, gulping down.

"No, we can make this work," he furrowed his eyebrows, stubborn, hopeful. And y/n almost smiled at her stubborn baby, but she couldn't. He hadn't been her baby in a long time.

"Changbin," she whispered and Changbin hated it. Hated how she called him, how she made him sound pathetic and like a baby and an involuntary sob escaped his lips.

And almost immediately she got up from her seat on his desk chair and her arms were around his wide shoulders as his head pressed against her stomach. Her own tears running down her cheeks as she quietly sobbed with him.

"I'm so sorry," he choked out, arms tightly secured around her thighs. She nodded, her cheek resting against his hair as she stroked his locks with one hand, the other secured around his shoulders.

"I'm very sorry, too," she spoke against his hair, her voice strained.

"No, I was supposed to be there for you. You told me you were not okay, I should've been there for you, I-I should've, should've," she shushed him, wrapping both of her arms around him and bending forward to rest her head against his shoulder.

"Don't," she scolded softly, her constant tears probably wetting his hair as they ran down.

"Don't lose yourself, okay?" She reminded him, her fingers running through his hair again as she stood up straight. She felt Changbin's arms tighten a bit more.

"Stop worrying about me, think about yourself for once," he sternly spoke, his voice rough. He refused to let go. He just needed a little bit more.

"I will," she said nodding, even though he couldn't see her and Changbin snorted.

"No, you won't," he spat out and she flinched because she knew it too but she decided not to say anything.

-

She had left after calming him down but to be honest, both of them knew the other broke down crying as soon as they were out of each other's sight.

Changbin stared at his bedroom ceiling, staring at nothing in particular.

A knock at the door brought his attention to it, his eyes shifting to Bang Chan standing at the door.

The older walked in, a tight lipped smile on his lips as he handed a cold water bottle to his friend.

"Thanks, hyung," Changbin smiled at him, sitting up and taking a sip of the water right away.

"Don't worry, Bin. Everything will be okay," he softly spoke, his hand comfortingly grasping Changbin's shoulder, and the younger couldn't help but nod, hopeful. Trusting his oldest friend.

"I hope so too," he muttered.

[theonewiththefanfics]

Because Hearts Get Broken - I Know That You’re Scared (Part 2/3)

Continuation of ‘Because Hearts Get Broken’ - see my masterlist for it :)

Synopsis: She’s trying to move on. He’s still hoping for a chance

Pairing: Harry Styles x fem!Reader

Genre: angsty, bruh, but with a sprinkle of fluff and a hopeful (??) ending

Warnings: swearing, emotionally distant mindset... can’t think of anything else, really. 

Word count: 3656

Heartbreak isn’t loud. Y/N doesn’t even know if it had a sound what it would be like. Like glass shattering against the ground? Or maybe like a book being ripped and shredded apart, memories of time spent together ruined. Or maybe it'd like the crackle of a fire, as it slowly but surely crept up and turned everything into charred remains before it became nothing but ash and was carried away by the winds.

        No one in her family talked about feelings. If they did all they received back was ‘suck it up. That’s life’. After that, it was time to move on. So, when she got together with probably the most open-hearted person in the world, it was almost laughable.

        Y/N had always been the friend others went for advice, relationship or not, but she herself never asked for one, simply because she didn’t wanna bother anyone. Not that she thought the others were bothers. It’s just having grown up in a household where emotions were basically suppressed, opening up was quite impossible. 

       Then came Harry. Perfect, impossible, loving, sweet, kind, ridiculously open Harry. God, she just wanted to punch him because no one should be that nice. 

        January 2nd, 2020 he’d called her up, having gotten Y/N’s number from Sarah (after ages of pleading, because as much as Sarah sometimes couldn’t handle drunk Y/N, she’d defend and protect her until the very last breath), and they set up a coffee date.

        Slowly but surely, they spent more and more time together and seeing as her job had her based in LA for a while, visiting Harry was no problem. Then the pandemic hit, and on March 18th the whole stay-at-home order was issued in California. 

        Y/N was in a panic. She was meant to leave LA in ten days, and the hotel her company was paying for had been paid until the 28th. With all flights getting rapidly cancelled, she was scrambling to get one, but even her firm was unable to get her a seat. That’s when Harry had called up, his tone a worried, urgent mess as to if Y/N was alright and what her plans were.

        Of course, him being him, he immediately offered her a place to stay.

        “We don’t even need to stay in the same room, there’s like five other guest rooms you can take up,” he tried to joke, and ease her tension.

        “Fuck, Harry, just rub it in how rich you are.” Y/N cackled, and when she heard him laugh in the background, her heart did that stupid fluttery thing she’d grown so used to. 

        It took a little persuasion from Harry’s side, and reassurance at least seven more times, that Y/N wouldn’t be intruding on his space, and he was more than happy to spend the quarantine with someone else, instead of being alone, and that in no way her taking over a room or two would limit him and his own artistic endeavours. So, apprehensively Y/N packed her suitcases, grabbed an uber, wearing a mask the whole time, and drove to Harry’s place.  

When Y/N saw the gated community and the palace he was living in, the inside of her cheek was practically bitten in half. They’d barely been together for three months, and now she was basically moving in with him, but given how it was either live with Harry in a fucking mansion or walk across the country to New York, she took the first option. 

        As much as Harry loved on her, pretty much shagging her brains out every possible second, and loving on her until her cheeks hurt from smiling, the anxiety about the whole situation never left.

Harry was worried about his mom and sister, Y/N was scared of what was happening in New York. So, when the state boarders opened, immediately, although reluctantly, she flew back to her apartment and her dying plants, but never forgetting to FaceTime with Harry. But they couldn't stay away long from one another.

        Which is why they decided, given how she was able to work from home now, and Harry could do so as well, they’d fly over to one another every two weeks, quarantine together for the next two weeks, and then fly to the other place. Her boss actually loved the idea that Y/N was so willing to go back and forth between the two cities, so all her flights were written off as business expenses, not to mention when she said she wouldn’t need a hotel, he was more than thrilled to let her be in LA whenever she wanted, as long as her work got done.

        It seemed funny to her now, that before Y/N couldn’t wait to get back to the sunny state of Cali. Now when she had to fly over (which was just a couple of times since the breakup), going through JFK security made her sweat, and landing was a vomit-inducing action. And the last time she’d gotten back to the home-base state, she’d actually thrown up, Harry’s last words ringing in her ears.

        It’d been three weeks since Sarah’s New Year party, and three weeks since she’d spoken to him although he still kept calling. Every morning she’d wake up to a couple of notifications of missed calls, and each time she’d listen to the messages; it was all the same – I miss your voice. And every time she’d listen to it, her thoughts were exactly the same. You could say it was almost pathetic as to how many times she’d listened to his albums, just to hear him sing. Almost like he used to do right before she fell asleep.

        But Y/N had no one else but herself to blame for it. She’d been the one to call it quits, she’d been the one who walked out of his apartment, and the one who decided she wouldn’t fight. 

        Now, she was sat by her small magazine table, documents spread out in front of her as if a tornado had rolled through, while an apple and cinnamon candle spread its delicious scent through the air. 

        Y/N would only admit it once because, well, the proof was all over the apartment, but she was very lazy when it came to taking away the Christmas décor. It made her feel warm and comfy. And it reminded her of Harry. How when she’d woken up after their first date, already in the new year, he still had colourful fairy lights strung across the curtain rods, giving everything a soft, cosy glow. 

        He’d also been the one who convinced her that a real Christmas tree was so much better than a plastic one. 

        “Yes, it’s a hassle,” he’d said through slurred words as they’d slinked away from the partying crowd after the countdown was done, and each of them had taken three shots of vodka. “But it’s so worth it. Smells like a fucking forest in your room. Like proper Christmas!”

        And although she’d spent this holiday season alone, Harry had been right. Just like he’d been right about Y/N.

        She tapped her pen against the glass surface and readjusted her position on the floor.

        “This is the periodic table, noble gases stable, halogens and alkali react aggressively,” Y/N hummed as she highlighted the incorrect parts of the paper in front of her. “Each period will see new outer shells, while electrons are added moving to the right.”

        Just as she was about to start off the second verse, her doorbell rang, and her stomach gurgled in response.

        “Ugh,” she groaned to herself. “Pasta come to fuckin’ mama.”

        But when she opened the door, she wasn’t greeted by the Uber Eats delivery man.

        “Harry.”

        Y/N was taken aback. She didn’t expect him to visit her, especially not so soon and especially to fly out to New York (as much as he was most likely there to do other stuff as well, her gut told her he was there for her). 

Sure, she hoped that one day they could be friends, if not acquaintances, he was too important of a person for her to lose completely from her life, but that was looking like five years into the future.

        “I bring gifts.” He raised his hand where her boxes of food hung in a paper bag. “Can I?”

        “Uh, yeah, of course!” She shook her head to clear it from the shock and allowed Harry to enter into the warmth of her apartment and escape from the cold January air.

        “I was on my way up when the delivery man came in, and I recognised by the boxes it was yours.” The smirk on Harry’s face was something Y/N loved to see, but usually, she liked to also wipe it away. Preferably with her own lips. 

        She let out a small scoff, not waiting to see if he followed inside, as she scurried to the adjacent kitchen and grabbed two plates, while he opened up the white cardboard containers and allowed the delicious smell of spaghetti Bolognese as well as a carbonara waft into the air. Y/N had wanted to eat the latter at some point during the night when the munchies hit, but she supposed Harry was probably hungry as well. “Maybe there’s someone else here, who likes Italian.”

        “Probably, but only you would order from the shittiest Italian restaurant just because they have pesto and parmesan bread.”

        “Hey!” She slapped his arm. “They’re not shit. They provide me with everything I need – calories, carbs and bread.”

        “What more does a person need?”

        “Exactly!”

        Both of them let out small chuckles and then settled down on her couch to dig into the meal. They ate in silence, and despite Y/N’s initial shock, it wasn’t uncomfortable. In fact, they were sitting pretty much shoulder to shoulder, as she watched Harry re-read the spread-out articles on the table and use her marker to tick some stuff that could use re-wording. He had a knack for words, after all.

        “I uh…” He wiped his mouth with one of the napkins provided by the diner before clasping his fingers together and looking at the woman sitting next to him, as she slowly set her empty plate on the small cupboard beside the sofa. “I was hoping we could talk.”

        Y/N hung her head. She should’ve known he wasn’t here to just check-in and have some dinner. “We already did. Twice might I add. What makes you think this time the ending will be different?”

        “Third times the charm?” Harry let out a little laugh, and she rolled her eyes. “Look, I didn’t wanna leave everything the way I did. I – I said some pretty shit things.”

        Y/N fiddled with her thumb. ‘I had,’ Harry’s words echoed in her head. ‘Only she didn’t trust that I loved her the same.’ “Nothing that was untrue though.”

        “See, that’s where I think both of us are wrong.”

        That was not what Y/N thought this conversation would be whatsoever.

        “I – “ He cleared his throat. “I know I said I didn’t think you trusted me that I loved you enough. I think you know I did – do.”

        If Y/N still had any food in her mouth she would’ve choked on it, as she bit back the rising lump in her throat, but instead of interrupting him, she let Harry continue. “And honestly, it’s not your fault that it fell apart, ‘s my fault too. I pushed you to do something, you didn’t want to, weren’t comfortable with, when you told me not to… just because I wanted to feel important, ‘nd because I wanted to get a role in your life you weren’t ready for yet. And I’m sorry for doing that. I should’ve never forced you.”

        “Harry…” Y/N was at a complete loss. “I – I don’t really know what to say.”

        He took her left hand in his and clasped it, finally able to properly say what'd been eating away at him. “During the New Year party, I didn’t go about it the right way. I was just – I was just still so hurt, and I wanted you to hurt the same because… it didn’t seem like you cared at all, which I know you did… I know you loved me, and…” He took in a deep breath. “I hope that you still do. At least enough to give us another chance. We can take it at your pace,” he instantly added, knowing how she’d react, expecting the sigh and the almost tired and resigned ‘Harry’ that escaped her lips. But he’d say everything on his mind. “You can take how long you need to feel like you can trust me with what’s bothering you.”

        “Harry,” she repeated, but it didn’t seem like he was about to stop.

        “But I think we can do it, and we can do it right this time. We know where we stand, we won't make the same mistakes.”

        Y/N’s hand came to rest against his cheek, and he practically melted, engulfing her palm with his as to not let her touch leave his skin for even a second. “Are you even listening to yourself?”

        “Look, I know, you’re scared, and the thing is, so am I. I don’t want it to end like that or end. Period. But I do want to try again.”

        And if nothing but to humour him Y/N asked, “And if it does end the same way?”

        “It won’t.” He was so sure of it, she had to laugh.

        “Harry, the big difference between us is – you like to talk about your feelings. You like to go through them and stuff. I don’t. I feel… icky when I even think about talking to someone of what I feel. We’re just too opposite.”

        “Opposites attract.”

        “No,” she pointed a finger at him, stifling her laughter, though Harry seemed not to be hiding his smile. “Do not use science against me.”

        He raised his hands as if in surrender. “I’m not, I’m just supporting my point with facts. Scientific facts, that you can’t argue against.”

        “I mean…” Y/N shrugged her shoulders. “I dunno… Maybe it was a good thing we ended it when we did. It was ten months – almost ten – amazing months, but… can you imagine if we’d gone so far as to think about moving in together, and then it fell apart? That would’ve been a whole different kind of a mess.”

        “Do you love me?”

        Y/N sighed, resting her cheek against the couch while she smoothed away his brown locks from his face. “Of course, I do. Don’t think there will be a time in my life I don’t.”

        “Then that’s all I need.”

         “Is that really enough for you?”

        “Yes.”

        And there was no lie in that single word. Did he want for Y/N to feel comfortable enough with him that she talked about whatever concerned her, however small? Of course. But he also wanted her to be comfortable enough to be herself. If that meant her keeping things to herself, and trusting Harry to support her decisions, it’d be enough.

        Her Y/E/C eyes hadn’t left his green ones, and they only widened as he leaned forwards and pressed his forehead to hers.

        “Haz…”

        Fuck, how he’d missed her calling him that. It wasn’t an exclusive nickname by any means, but when it came from Y/N’s mouth, it was the sweetest sound in the universe.

        He was her Haz when he broke a plate, he was her Haz when she threw her head back as pleasure exploded through her body, he was her Haz when he took her hand in his to quell her anxiety, and he was her Haz when he gave her tissues as they watched a movie, and she couldn’t help but cry each time a dog or cat died (or a dragon, but he was a sobbing mess as well because ‘Dragonheart’ messed with them both).

        His lips were so close, and just as they skimmed over her own, Y/N’s phone rang making her physically spring back, eyes like saucers.

        “S – Sorry,” she stammered, scrambling to find the annoying device between the cushions. It was Sarah’s name that lit up her screen.

        “Hey, what’s up?” Y/N started, voice trembling and shaky. God, when had she suddenly gone so out of breath? And why was her head so dizzy, as if she’d just gotten off a rollercoaster?

        “Yeah, he’s here,” she replied, eyeing Harry. “Yeah, just a sec,” and Y/N handed him her phone with a quiet ‘why’s your phone always dead?’

        ‘Didn’t know it died’, he said, but that was untrue. He’d turned it off so this sort of a situation wouldn’t happen; so a call or text wouldn’t interrupt him at the most critical moment. He had to give the universe a proper talk once he was done.

        “ ‘Ello?” 

        Seconds of silence passed, and Y/N didn’t like how weird it was, so she took the empty plates and put them in the sink to soak.

        “Now?”

        She could see the frustration rise in Harry as his forehead creased, and he let a hand rake through his hair. “Fuck’s sake… yeah, I’ll be there in ten. ‘S alright,” he sighed. “Not your fault Sarah. Tell Jeff not to worry, and that I’m not dead.”

        With that, he pressed the red button and ended the call, drumming his fingers against the screen. God, he really didn’t want to leave. Not now. Not after he’d been so close.

        “Uh, work?” Y/N asked, arms crossed in front of her as if she was protecting herself from the answer. 

        “Yeah, sorry. I uh a meeting from tomorrow got rescheduled for tonight, like right now because there was some sort of an emergency from the label’s side."

        “ ‘S alright, I get it. Showbiz never stops.” Y/N motioned to the door. “I’ll walk you out.”

        There were a couple of times in his life Harry wanted to give himself a beating. Once when he was six and Gemma had told on him after he’d broken a favourite vase of their mothers, he decided to get revenge and destroy her favourite plushie. He’d never forget the tears Gem had cried, and how absolutely heartbroken she’d sounded. He vowed although he was the little brother, to never ever let anyone hurt her like that, and if someone did, they’d meet their maker sooner rather than later.

        The second time was when he was still a teenager, One Direction on the rise, and it had gotten to his head just a little bit more than it should’ve. He’d gotten really messed up at a party (which Harry shouldn’t have even been at). The disappointment on his mother’s face as she scolded him through FaceTime was gut-wrenching enough to make him promise to always know the limit.

        And Harry guessed this was the third time.

        He could’ve said no to the meeting. Jeff was there and so was Sarah and Mitch. The three of them could handle it for him. It’s not like he would mind much whatever they came up with if it had given him the time to settle things with Y/N. 

        “It was great to see you, Harry.” She brought him out from the thoughts as she unlocked the door and opened it for him, bringing her jumper sleeves over her palms to hide from the cold outside air. “Really. I – I missed you, and honestly, I’m glad we got to talk. I uh well, take care. And say hi to Sarah from me please.”

        “I – “ he took hold of Y/N’s wrist before she could turn away. “I’m holding a small concert in a week. Here in uh in New York. It’s for charity… I want you to come.”

        “I umm… I’ll have to check if I’m free, but yeah. I will. Thank you.”

        “ ‘S no problem… Sarah missed you like crazy now that you’re not in LA as often… ‘n yeah. Anyway. I’ll put your name on the guest list, so just bring some ID, and they’ll let you backstage.”

        “Okay,” she whispered and gave him a small, genuine smile. “Thank you. I’ll really try to come.”

        “Yeah.”

        And he was going to go without doing anything else. Harry truly was. But as he released her wrist, going to the stairs, he gave Y/N one last glance back, and it was like his feet had a mind of their own, as they carried him back to where she stood by the still open door, grabbed her by the waist and pressed his lips to hers. 

        He expected Y/N to push him away, but to his very huge delight, she didn’t. Instead, her fingers wove through his hair and her legs almost on instinct rose so he could take her by the thighs, wrap them around his middle and press her against the doorway. 

        The groan that Harry swallowed from Y/N only ignited the fire that’d been burning ever since he met her, but it wasn’t the destructive kind, like the ones that leave nothing but charcoal behind. It was warm. Safe. Like the light of a fairy light. Like the embrace of home.

        “Come to the show,” he muttered against Y/N’s lips, as they broke apart, and he set her down on the ground, not letting go until he was sure she was steady on her feet. “I’ll wait for you.”

        With that, he left because if he didn’t, he’d make sure Y/N would be unable to walk for a week.

        And Y/N watched him retreat while her brain fought with her heart.

        What was it he’d sung in ‘Golden’, as he’d twirled her in the sea of bodies and glitter a little bit more than a year ago? ‘Loving is the antidote?’ 

        Maybe love was the antidote to her fear.

        She closed the door.

        And smiled.

Tags (crossed out wouldn’t take):

Everything tags: @lumelgy @palaiasaurus64 @supernaturalbaesduh @breezy1415 @crazy--me @thatawkwardlittlefangirl @sea040561 @staryeyedgirl @deathbyarabbit @s-c-a-r-e-d-po-t-t-e-r @reblogger-not-a-blogger @m-a-t-91 @dalilx @i-need-a-hero-i-need-a-loki @maladaptive-ninja-returns @averyrogers83 @in-the-end-im-still-trash @gallifreyansass @dewy-biitch @avxgers @unlikelygalaxygiver @magicwithaknife @ollyoxenfrees @bnhvrdy @tvwhoresblog @celebsimagines @thatkindofgurl @sj-thefan @teenwolflover28 @lestersglitterglue @im-squished

Harry Styles tags: @sarcasticallywitty15​ @breezykpop​ @girlboss99​ @harrystylesdoesntknowiexist​ @alliyjane​ @sirtommyholland​

A/N: I’ve been listening to ‘Fine Line’, ‘The Periodic Table Song’, ‘Welcome to the Christmas Parade’ (Welcome to the Black Parade mix with All I Want For Christmas) and ‘Rasputin’ Boney M remix exclusively... I feel like a complete crackhead... :D

Decided to tag also those who wanted a part 2 but didn’t necessarily ask to be tagged :)

P.S. I guess there will be a part 3???

P.S.S. if you wanna be added to a tag list drop me a message :)

[mxgilray]

I... have some thoughts on the Loki finale. It was not what I was expecting, but I'm still hopeful for season 2.

This felt like a meh finale, like how a lot of season finales felt in Spring 2020 when they unexpectedly quit filming and had to cut things short by a couple episodes thanks to the pandemic. Only this was the planned out finale, they should've given a bit more oomph. I'm quite a fan of exposition and character development usually, but all the dialog was centered on He Who Remains, so it felt like our main characters were just side pieces.

Plus, the final "cliffhanger" of Mobius not knowing Loki and the statue of HWR replacing the Time Keeper statues felt quite lackluster. Not sure how they could've made it hit harder, but it didn't deliver the "oh shit" vibes they intended, but maybe that's cuz Mobius not remembering Loki has been an expected plot line on tumblr for half the season so it wasn't a blindside.

I get the point of the Sylki kiss. From what I've seen on tumblr so far I feel like the nuance of Sylvies actions was lost to most people (both Sylki fans and antis just Didn't Get It). It wasn't a big declaration of love like the fans are grasping onto it as, and it wasn't shoving selfcest into the canon to keep the heternormativity like antis are accusing it of being; it was Sylvie using Loki's attachment to her to trick him. She needed Loki out of her way, and she knew the only way to get past him and get He Who Remains' tempad was through emotional distraction. She used his love against him and betrayed him, a kiss was simply the most efficient way to do it. I did a whole post last week about Sylvie's feelings towards Loki, but to sum up I firmly believe that while Loki harbors some romantic feelings for Sylvie, she feels strictly platonic towards him, but is very aware of his attraction. She took advantage of his care for her to get the upper hand during their fight. Heck she even foreshadowed it herself in ep 5. "There are more important things than friends" "like taking down the TVA" she told Loki that taking down whoever is behind the TVA comes before everything; it's priority #1 in her book, above friendship or love or trust. Loki proved that his priority now is the greater good of the universe not her revenge, so Sylvie has no use for him anymore (partners only when it's convenient, because she is a Loki and that's how emotionally stunted Lokis behave).

I would like to point out the irony of her being worried about Loki betraying her, only to turn around and betray him. It's in the realm of "people who cheat assuming their partner is cheating" / "not using a turn signal when changing planes to avoid being cut off because when you see someone else use their signal you tend to cut them off", it's assuming other people will behave like you do. Sylvie feared in ep 5 that Loki would betray her in the end because she knew if it came down to it she'd betray him. But the thing is, he's actually grown past that. Loki is finally thinking about how his actions can damage others, not just his own wants and needs. Sylvie saw this moral change in Loki, realized there was no chance of getting him back on the blind revenge boat, and decided to exploit his newfound selflessness and emotional attachment to get him out of her path.

This whole season Loki has been maturing emotionally and growing into the best, most heroic version of himself. Sylvie, on the other hand, still has that deceptive, selfish, can't trust anyone persona that every Loki develops to combat insecurity. She hasn't had the emotional growth needed to see the bigger picture, she's still trapped in her own self centered mindset. As such, she disregards the impact her betrayal will have on Loki, the impact killing HWR will have on the universe. She doesn't even take a beat to consider whether revenge is still the right path cuz she doesn't practice self reflection yet; revenge has always been the goal and she refuses to give herself a chance of changing her mind. I hope in season 2 she'll get some character growth, now that her 1 goal has been accomplished.

Now on to Mobius. I enjoyed his scenes, I wish we'd been shown more of what he did to reveal the truth to the rest of the TVA. Again, I feel like too much time was given to HWR's monologing and not enough was spent on the other characters so Mobius and B-15 got very little screen time to display their plan. I am happy Mobius got the opportunity to throw Ranslayers betrayal back in her face, and his attemp at attacking her...my boy you work a desk job you ain't no fighter, she used to work in the field collecting variants, you had no chance. Also, where the F did she go??? I kept expecting her to show up at the end of time but she didn't. Where did Miss Minutes send her??

I'm sad Mobius doesn't know Loki anymore, but I can't say I'm surprised. I've got a few different thoughts on what the heck is going on with him and the TVA:

Sylvie accidentally sent Loki way back to a time early on in the TVA before HWR created the Time Keepers for anonymity. As such, this is a past Mobius who has yet to meet Loki or even learn of Loki's existence. If this is the case, then I think Loki and Past!Mobius's interaction at the end of ep 6 will be the catalyst for him becoming a Loki expert. The 63 branching timelines Mobius and B-15 are discussing before Loki interrupts are from some currently unknown disaster that'll be a plot line in s2. (This is my least favorite theory, but nevertheless a possibility)

HWR was correct when he said that if Sylvie kills him and destroys the TVA then another variant of him will just start it all up again. This variant didn't care to remain anonymous, hence the big statue of him, but kept all the memory wiped variants working there. Because time is a chaotic bitch, the changeover from one HWR variant to another may have been near seamless at the TVA and just involved a quick memory wipe of anything relating to the Time Keepers, Loki and Sylvie, or knowledge that the TVA are all variants. The 63 branches may be thanks to something Renslayer is doing like killing all the HWR variants in existence in order to negate the need for the TVA. The branching could also be from Sylvie's revenge still, we have no idea how much time has passed between her killing HWR and a new HWR taking over so the branching she caused could still be an issue.

There have actually been multiple TVAs running simultaneously, each in their own multiverse. Each one employs memory wiped variants, each one is in charge of a certain subset of timelines, and all work under the one HWR. Sylvie used HWR's tempad to eject Loki back to the TVA, but she accidentally sent him to the TVA of a different multiverse not realizing that's a Thing. The 63 branching timelines Mobius and B-15 are discussing are indeed from Sylvie killing HWR, but there's only 63 as opposed to the countless we saw diverging from Sylvie's perspective because this TVA only sees branches on timelines within their own multiverse. Mobius doesn't know Loki because he isn't our Mobius and in the multiverse he works in maybe Loki's aren't as much of an issue because none of them ever escaped the TVA like Sylvie did (or none of them have Tom's face so he doesn't recognize him as a Loki). If this is the case, then Loki is gonna have to find his way back to his own multiverse in order to be reunited with his Mobius, and that could end up happening thanks to Renslayer. Miss Minutes gave her a file that I suspect only HWR should have access to. Maybe it was tempad coordinates for other multiverses? It took til the 31st century for the multiverses to be connected despite Tony figuring out time travel in the 21st century because travel between universes is much harder, maybe HWR is still the only one who knows how to do that. (If this theory is correct then all the time travel done during Endgame was through timelines within one multiverse) Also just thought of this but what if the reason there are so many extreme variations of loki that grew to adulthood is because the criteria of "sacred timeline" is different in each multiverse. Classic Loki and maybe President Loki and Kid Loki are from the same universe as MCU Loki, but red haired Loki, Croki, Boastful Loki, etc are all from other universes. Think about it, Classic Loki, 2012 Loki, and MCU Loki all have an exact identical path up until their nexus event (or death in MCU Loki's case). I think other than identifying as female, Sylvie's childhood was identical as well and that her nexus event was coming to terms with her adoption as a child, which erased the catalyst of 2011 Thor's plot and would've changed everything for her future path. Had her adoption remained a secret and she grew up on asgard, I believe her story would mirror MCU Loki's. It mildly hit me weird that there would be such wild variation amongst Lokis, even with him being a shapeshifter, because there's a rigid sacred timeline (that supposedly the MCU movies have all adhered to) and they all felt like too big of a divergence to have been left unchecked so long. If boastful Loki was telling the truth about getting all 6 infinity stones then he should've triggered a nexus event as soon as he got more than the 3 he is "supposed to" interact with, unless in his multiverse the sacred timeline criteria is different. Another theory: the agents employed in each TVA are from multiverses other than the one they're working in. It would make sense, keep them from running into their own past by fully detaching each agent from their home timeline/universe. So the Principal!Renslayer that B-15 found will never in any future become the TVA judge we know. The one we know maybe came from the universe Loki got sent to, and that's how the two of them will end up crossing paths again.

[mysterytickingegos]

I’ve Created a Monster

Pairing: Darkiplier x Clairvoyant!Reader

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

Word Count: 2,480

Summary: After a bad date, you made a rather interesting friend. But better yet, you discovered something just as interesting about yourself. This something leads to a very exhilarating part of your life, but you learn the hard way that it’s not quite as glamorous an adventure as it may seem. The last person you’d expect is the one to bring you back to reality.

Anonymous Request: If I may request! :) Can I have a darkiplier x fem!reader fic with the prompts 37, 44, 45? After the events of wkm? Just some hurt and comfort to give me dem feelz 😀👍 Maybe Dark is the one saying it please? Much thanks!

Authors Note: Probably not what you were going for with the prompts but I hope you still enjoy it!

Want to read more?

[Image Description: A Gif of Darkiplier from the “horror” branch of “A Date with Markiplier,” speaking to the viewer at a table, while another image of him leans away and yells. End Description]

Junk mail, bill, wrong address, junk mail...

The usual. You weren’t sure what ‘cool thing’ you were expecting to get in the mail in 2020 but the disappointment was there anyway. Just as you shut your mailbox you heard somebody coming down the stairs and cringed, bracing yourself as you hoped it wasn’t who you thought it was. But of course it was.

Your upstairs neighbor, AKA the worst date ever. “Ah, hey Y/n.”

“Hi Mark...” You gave him a sad attempt at a wave, and he gave you a nod, walking over to his own mailbox.

‘How’s it going?”

“Great, yeah...you?”

“Good.”

And with that the room dissolved into awkward silence, and you took your leave back up the stairs. Funny enough these moments used to be filled with dumb jokes and flirting, that was until he finally asked you out. You had been overjoyed, happy that someone had taken an interest in you and glad that something was breaking your dull everyday routine. Little did you know the highlight of the date would be the end. He had taken you to an expensive restaurant only to reveal that he had ‘forgotten’ his wallet (which ended up falling out of his pocket in front of you in the theater.) Then he had been upset with you for accidentally falling asleep to what must’ve the most boring Rom-com you had ever been subjected to. You both seemed to be in silent agreement that this should never, ever happen again.

But unbeknownst to you and Mark, somebody else had been lingering around. That was the first time that specific somebody had decided to visit you, making a sucky date the least of your concerns. You spent the rest of your night watching compilations on YouTube and eating chocolate Ice Cream. You kept going from sad to angry over your horrible day in your head.

Were you only worth asking out for a free meal? A meal that for you took about half your grocery budget. You should’ve given that ass a piece of your mind.

You sniffed, wiping your eyes and scarfing down even more ice cream. “Damn it.”

“Aw, don’t cry, darling. It wasn’t that bad.”

You screamed and nearly jumped out of your skin, scrambling away from the man now next to you on the couch. The moment your feet hit the ground you grabbed your phone and locked yourself in your bedroom. “Who the fuck are you?!”

“Let’s say I'm a... friend of a friend. I thought I’d check up on you after that train wreck.” He spoke through the door. You heard a laugh layer over his voice, and wondered if somebody else was there.

“I’m calling the police!” You shouted back.

Then you heard the same voice just in front of you, clearly amused with the situation. “You’re welcome to do so, though I’m not sure they’d believe you.” It was the same man from the couch, smiling at you. You noticed how he seemed to be glitching, and how as his head tilted to the side his figure had duplicated in blue for a split second. “As I’m sure you can tell by now, I’m not exactly human.”

“What do you want from me?”

“I’d like to get to know you, Y/n. Is that so much to ask?”

The first few nights that you had stayed up a little too late and wound up speaking that deranged spirit again, you had been terrified. But soon enough you learned to enjoy his company. Sure, he could be a little unsettling at times, particularly when he was irritated and got...cold. Not just figuratively, which he was, but literally. The temperature in your apartment would drop a significant amount and you would change subjects shivering. But all in all, from what you could see behind that wall he had up, he was simply lost at worst, not exactly evil. And it was nice to not have to be so lonely all the time.

But during one of these visits, early on, you had decided to ask why.

“Why me, of all people?”

The man you had come to know simply as ‘Dark’  leaned in, lighting up as though he had been waiting on you to ask that this entire time. “Oh, Y/n. Don’t you know?”

“Why would I ask if I already knew?”

He let out an impatient sigh. ‘That’s...I was being...” He glanced up at you just in time to catch the smile playing at your lips after successfully ruining his aesthetic. “You know what? You can stay in the dark.”

“No no no, I’ll shut up, just tell me.” You turned to face him on the couch, tucking your legs under yourself.

He left you in suspense for a few moments, before dropping his voice down low when he spoke so you would have to lean closer in just to hear him. “Let’s just say you are...spiritually attuned to my world.”

“Spiritually attuned?”

“Yes, you are psychic, a medium, clairvoyant. Whatever you want to call it.” He explained. “You are a magnet to things outside the realm of the natural. A strange pair, aren’t we?”

And that was all it took, so many unexplained events from your past were now explained, and a world of possibilities was opened to you. You must’ve spent weeks researching how to harness your abilities, starting the second he left. Sure, most sites and blogs were absolutely full of it but you got the gist. With that and some common sense, how much could go wrong?

You started to take silly jobs on the internet, from old women who thought something was off with their mirrors to amateur ghost hunters who wanted a ‘consultant.’ It took you a while to gain some confidence that you weren’t just pulling this stuff out of thin air, that you hadn’t lost your mind. But after a few months, once you hit that learning curve, man it was fun.

Your latest job was a little more hardcore, a young family wanting help to push a poltergeist out of their new home. Their stories had chilled you to the bone, but you were happy to help. Your evaluation at the house went fine, nothing too far past what you were used to. Except, the entire time you were there you felt as though you had weight sitting on your chest. You could barely listen to the poor couple tell you what they experienced due to a faint scratching feeling at the back of your mind. You weren’t an expert yet but you could tell that whatever this thing was, it did not welcome you there. Worse yet, the feeling of being drained that the couple mentioned was certainly affecting you as well. Perhaps worse.

But all that accomplished was making you even more determined to rid the house of it. You took notes for your research later, tried to communicate in the most active part of the house (with no results,) and gave the couple the best advice you could at the moment.

“Until this thing is gone, it’s best you stay somewhere else.”

A few nights later, you had just finished packing your bag and begun heading for the door when you heard Dark just behind you. “Good evening, Y/n.” His voice was layered, followed by a subtle echo bouncing off the walls of your small apartment. When you turned to face him you saw he was already frowning, having realized you were on your way out. “Where are you off to so late?“

“I’m going to hang out with some friends. So I’m sorry, you’ll have to find some other way to entertain yourself tonight, instead of ya know, slowly but surely turning me into a nocturnal hermit.“ You joked, adjusting the tote bag on your shoulder.

He chuckled, bringing his hands behind his back. “I hate to break this to you my dear, but you were there well before we met.”

“Ha ha.” You turned to leave but were stopped short when you saw that he had apparated directly in front of you.

“What’s in the bag?” He asked, starting to reach for it curiously before you stepped back.

“Nothing.” You said, a little too quickly. “Just some party supplies, alright?”

He raised his brow, no longer amused. “...Convincing. Is it really so difficult to be honest with me?”

“Oh don’t even try and pull that card, you won’t even tell me why you’re haunting that jerk upstairs.”

His jaw clenched, and he looked away from you. “That’s different. Bringing such things to light would only do more harm than good.”

“Well, I may be wrong but...my thing is kinda the same. And I like what we’ve got going on so just let it go. Please?”

Dark stayed quiet, peeved off and clearly even more curious than he was before. Finally, he side-stepped out of your way, “Just be careful.”

When you got to the house, you were careful. Keeping lights on and keeping quiet while you did everything your research said you were supposed to. As you did, the spirit was also quiet, too quiet. And on your way home, you kept waiting for that heavy feeling on your chest to fade away.

Your apartment was freezing when you stepped out of the bathroom after your shower. Cold air brushed over your shoulders as you wrapped your arms around yourself. “Dark?” You called out, looking around for him. This wasn’t like him. He usually made you aware of his presence as soon as he showed up. You walked into your bedroom and when you locked eyes with another in the mirror, you froze.

This wasn’t like Dark, because it wasn’t him.

Instead, the person standing behind you was a very decrepit and very angry old woman, seemingly fading in and out of reality as she glared at you. “Y̸o̵u̶ ̴s̴h̷o̵u̶l̶d̸ ̸h̵a̵v̷e̷ ̵l̸e̴f̷t̶ ̷w̶e̶l̵l̶ ̸e̴n̵o̷u̶g̷h̶ ̶a̸l̶o̴n̸e̷.̴“

The mirror shattered and you whipped around to face her, but she wasn’t there. The air whirling around the place started to pick up, and picture frames flew off the wall at you, then other objects that had decorated your room. You tried to flee but your front door wouldn’t budge. You started to bang on it, crying in fear and praying that anyone would hear you. Next thing you knew though, you were flung towards the wall.

Finally, everything settled. The weight was off your chest, but there was plenty of pain there in it’s place. You slowly pulled yourself into a sitting position, then wiped the tears off your face with one hand and held the other over your ribs. You weren’t sure how long you sat there, waiting for something to happen and your heartbeat overpowered the ringing silence in your ears. You wanted to get your phone, to call for help but you were terrified of gaining attention again. You didn’t even really stop shaking until you heard a familiar voice.

“...Y/n?” Dark didn’t see you when he first showed up, just the disaster area that was your living room. Once had seen you, he was beside you in a blink of an eye. You didn’t even think about it before you wrapped your arms around him. He only gave you a moment of comfort before he pulled back, looking over you in concern. “What happened? Who hurt you?”

You couldn’t really get much out between pained wincing as he scooped you into his arms. “It was a -Ow- s-spirit.”

He laid you down on the couch as gently as he could, and you could see his face change from confusion to recognition to irritation. “Why, pray tell, would a spirit be here?”

“I may have taken a job to get rid of it...” You muttered under your breath.

“Unbelievable.” He shook his head, about to say something else before he stopped himself. Instead he moved his focus to your hand, moving it to reveal the dark bruise over your ribs.

“See, I knew you weren’t gonna like it.”

“You going off and messing with things you haven’t even begun to understand? Of course I don’t like it.” His figure glitched and layered itself in different colors before he got up and went to the kitchen.

You scoffed at his remark, trying to sit up. “Hey I understand more than you think, I’ve been doing this crap for months!”

He came back around the corner with an ice pack from your freezer in his hand. “Months?” He apparated in front of you, gently placing the pack down on the bruise, allowing you to squeeze his free hand until the shock wave from the pressure passed over you.

“I started looking into all this after you told me the truth.” You confessed. “I mean with the internet it wasn’t difficult, and I do my due diligence alright? I don’t know what went wrong.”

The aura behind him flashed pure red for just a moment, he approached his next words much softer than usual. “You can’t navigate things like this using the internet, Y/n.”

“Well I didn’t think you’d want to help me help everyone else get rid of their ghosts.”

He scoffed at you, beginning to raise his voice as the aura swapped back to blue. “You were right! I don’t understand why you would want anything to do with this, anyway. Why would you do this to yourself??” 

“I thought...I thought it’d be fun-”

“This isn’t a game!”

“You know I really don’t get you, why-”

“Of course you don’t! Do you even know what I am?”

“Well, no...”

“Neither do I.” He growled. His words truly sunk in once you saw the pain behind his eyes. He collected himself, taking a deep breath before continuing, “What I do know, is that I was human once. And people screwing with things that they shouldn’t have for selfish reasons is what turned me into this. Over the years I’ve had to see other terrible things happen to well meaning people. I’ll be damned if you throw yourself into the fire for fun.”

You nodded softly, breaking the intense gaze between you to look as your hands. “...Okay.” You opened your mouth to speak again after that, but decided against it.

“What is it?” Dark asked, trying and failing to hide the impatience in his voice.

“I just didn’t think...well I really didn’t think you’d care. Well, about this part I guess-”  You sighed, cutting yourself off this time, rather than rambling.

He was quiet for a moment, placing his hand under your chin and tilting your head up to look at him. “I care...more than you know.” It was the silence after that, that spoke volumes, and even more so the way he moved forward to press his lips to yours. “Now, if you’ll excuse me I have a poltergeist to take care of.”