#I still dislike when people treat Batman as if he’s JUST a rich guy in a bat costume beating up people just trying to survive

[sing-me-under]

I don’t know why, but I get really tired of fics where they’re like “Bruce has been sheltered his entire life and has absolutely no sense for normal people” as though he didn’t go on a world tour in literally every iteration of his existence before becoming Batman. Yes, he was absolutely sheltered as a teenager, and maybe he still held onto some naïveté in his early Batman years, but Batman literally faces every fucking crime there is, and I bet that little Bruce stubbornly traumatized himself with true crime shows and case studies. One does not become Batman and stay sheltered. Yes, unlike most people, he had the safety net of a home and a fat bank account to return to, but that really only applied in the States with legal identification. This man just kinda traveled the world with like the bare minimum and built a name and network for himself from scratch from pure skill, stubbornness, and his weird Mary Sue aura where everyone wants to fuck him. I can guarantee he’s nearly starved to death on multiple occasions, has slept in the worst conditions possible, and actually been fucking tortured in every sense of the word. You don’t need to be born and raised in poverty to have experienced food insecurities and the worst that humanity has to offer.

Anyway, this is just me just being fed up with the fics and posts where they treat Bruce as if he’s never experienced a single hardship in his life beyond the death of his parents when he was 8 years old. Bruce Wayne is the most empathetic, self-sacrificing motherfucker in Existence. He’s still an over controlling asshole, but he’s self aware and tries to understand why criminals do crime things.

Batman deserves to have a backstory where he actually developed and experienced his own coming-of-age as a mature member of society instead of being some vengeful middle school syndrome kid maneuvering a skin sack of nearly 300 lbs of muscle and fancy technology.

[meduseld]

Anon I want to answer your message re: The Batman and Thomas but just the text is kinda really spoilery and as much as I disliked this film I’m not going to do that to people so it’s under the cut, okay?

Anonymous asked: I don’t think Thomas Wayne was ever being villainized for not wanting Martha’s mental health issues to be made public, it was because Bruce was led to believe he put a hit out on someone.

Let’s talk about the framing of the reveal. Of the images used and clearly in a “shocking secret exposed!” in the press within the film, which is used as shorthand to how this news is being taken. The one where she’s literally being dragged like an animal by orderlies and the suicide is treated as lurid and titillating. This film went on and on about a man’s rat mutilated face but wouldn’t show it, yet gleeeeeeeeeefully shows us this “mad woman”. The framing is very much “look at thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis” which just adds to the weird toxic masculinity vibe of it all (since you’re here: the fact that they felt the need to clarify that the opening voiceover was Bruce’s journal. Like a respectable manly man. Yikes). Not to mention, remember, Riddler frames it as this great crusading journalist who WOULD NOT BE SILENCED. What’s the great public good in that story? Who does it serve? But that’s how it’s treated in the film. So that’s the problem in itself as to how that’s handled, not in Thomas’ reaction. Now let’s get to that.

First, Bruce, a character famous for his paranoia and lack of trust, which is mentioned in this film, blindly takes the word of a mobster with every fucking reason to distort the truth and make himself look good, make Thomas look bad and hopefully bend Bruce toward him. And then doing a 180 as soon as Alfred says: nah, your dad was just dumb af in a way that makes no sense :) Because Thomas Wayne is a powerful billionaire and scion from a long family line. He wouldn’t even need to pay hush money, he could just threaten legal action and harassment and press as to whether there was a public need to put out info which again, there’s no conceivable way wouldn’t be known. We even know about the cousins Queen Elizabeth’s family banished to asylums. As hard as it sounds: these things happen. And the old money rich know how to deal with them. They can all be spun. Like Rosemary Kennedy on down. There is absolutely no way Thomas Wayne would go to Falcone for that. Honestly the rich guy playbook would be to go to the paper like: I will end you over this and the public would be on my side :) 

So it’s stupid on every level. It alienates the audience who can’t see Thomas’ leap of logic to that action at all because they’re humans who have seen shit like this go down (hey remember all the stuff that came out on everyone during Trump’s campaign and literally all these people still have careers in politics? And how there was no alleged wrongdoing and also it’s his wife and not the man himself and we always blame the woman anyway? Why would Thomas go nuclear on this when he would have known this could happen from the second he chose to campaign and even earlier because they’re famous and people are always digging?), but also because it makes Thomas look dumb as all fuck, which is contrary to how he’s portrayed as a smart, capable and competent guy. And it makes Bruce look like a total sucker, besides. And Alfred also very inept. I mean even at his most cynical, Bruce would go: if my dad wanted a hit on this guy he’d just fucking ask Alfred who has the motive, means and skills to do it. It was weak and a gross treatment of mental illness as a dirty, shameful secret. Also that shit never went anywhere plotwise either so it was a waste besides.

[thevindicativevordan]

Why I Like Superman

This is a post I’ve been going over and over in my head, trying to suss out my feelings. The simple fact is I love Superman, and I have for as long as I can remember. I wore Superman pajamas as a kid. I watched cartoons like Superman: The Animated Series, Justice League, Legion of Superheroes, and was hyped as hell when he showed up on The Batman cartoon. I drew variations of the S-shield all over the sides of my school notebooks, and I tied a towel around my neck and pretended I could fly.

One of my favorite Xbox games to play was the Superman Returns tie-in game (remember those?), because it was the only game I could play that let me fly around, shooting off heat vision and freezing people with arctic breath. I still remember the opening that had you destroy asteroids, and being absolutely wowed as a kid by the big finale which had you slam into the largest asteroid at supersonic speed to destroy it. Took me forever to beat the Warworld arena level though because I didn’t know how to block.

Because there were no local comic shops near my home for me to go buy issues at (not that I even knew what a local comic shop was at the time), I kept up with his, and the rest of my favorite DC heroes adventures, via reading the DC wiki. I spent so much of my time waiting for my mom to get off the computer so I could go online and catch up that my parents installed parental blocks because they were worried about what I was doing.

In short he’s been a constant favorite of mine throughout childhood, through my teenage years, and straight on into adulthood. I never developed the dislike or distaste for him that some people did, and he never dropped out of the top spot for me like he did for others. There were times when he shared the top spot for me with Batman and Spider-Man, until One More Day wrecked my relationship with Spidey and I grew bored of the endless cycles of Batman being a dick to the Batfamily and then learning he needs them. But even throughout his lowest points (and God have there been so many of those in the last decade), he’s remained the top guy for me.

But why? I think it’s in part because of the type of genre he embodies. He is of course The Superhero, and he lives in the genre he founded, but he also lives in a type of optimistic science fiction genre that’s downright extinct nowadays. As a kid I was a massive science fiction fan, and my dad was friends with a guy who was also hugely into science fiction. This guy had a basement full of science fiction books written from the Golden Age of Science Fiction, up until the cyberpunk era kicked off in the 1980s. He was happy to hand novels off to me, and his private library beat the hell out of our public one. I devoured stories of fearless heroes in space exploring new worlds, first contact with alien races, mindbending new technologies that seemed like magic, about transcending our mortal flesh and becoming part of a universal, transcendental whole, stories that didn’t just talk about technology but about the human condition. Stories that while sometimes bleak, painted a positive picture of the human ability to overcome our inherent flaws and be a powerful force for good. And ultimately Superman speaks from the same source.

It’s not just about the powers, although those who completely dismiss their appeal are making a mistake I believe. It’s about humanity, about our ability to transcend our base natures, reflected in this Strange Visitor from Another Planet, who embodies our virtues and our vices, who is torn between the fear of doing too much and the fear of doing too little. Who hides his true self behind a pair of glasses because he craves the fellowship of humanity more than any amount of glory or riches. His no-kill rule a firm affirmation of the value of life, all life everywhere no matter it’s form. His greatest love, Lois Lane, is his co-worker and greatest rival as a reporter, who has everyone’s number in her phone, be they crime lord or living saint. His greatest friend, Jimmy Olsen, is the guy everyone else ignores or bosses around, but is a rich kid weirdo who gets up to all sorts of bizarre adventures that keep the Daily Planet afloat. His childhood friends are superheroes from the future, his home City of Metropolis is 10 years ahead of everyone else in terms of technology, his dog can shatter concrete via barking at it, his home den is a ice crystal castle situated at the North Pole, like Santa’s Workshop. In short his life is one where even the mundane corners hide fantastical attributes. By living among us, he helps to elevate us, to make our daily grind interesting by seeing through the lens of his life. As others have said, we walk our dogs around the block, he walks his around the solar system.

But it would be a mistake to assume that Superman doesn’t tackle the darker sides of life too. Even the most optimistic sci-fi novels that I read as a kid had dystopic elements in them, intended or not. His home planet of Krypton was our technological superior, yet ignored the warnings of it’s chief scientist, and died a victim of it’s own greed and arrogance with Kal-El as the Last Son. His birth parents died in the fires of self-perpetuated genocide, his adopted parents the Kents often fall to mundane heart diseases or accidents, which even his power can not save them from. His greatest enemy Lex Luthor, is the one person who can understand his loneliness, his need for the public’s approval and acceptance, and yet the shared enmity between the two has ruined any chance of them forming a friendship that could have been. The shining City of Metropolis venerates Luthor as well as Clark, reflecting the greed, selfishness, and callousness of it’s other favorite child. Suicide Slum stands as a testament to the limits of how much Superman can improve life. The Phantom Zone is a spinechilling example of the inhumane treatment of prisoners. His foes ran the gauntlet from greedy businessmen out for money at any cost, to victims who have suffered at humanity’s hands and seek revenge, to sociopaths who treat other peoples pain and lives as a source of amusement, to murderers who care not from where the blood flows, only that it does, to tyrants who seek to crush all resistance underneath their heel, to gods who wish the elimination of free will itself. Each of them force Superman to confront the fallibility of human nature and wrestle with whether or not his faith in both them and himself is justified.

In a sentence? I love Superman because he’s a character you can do almost anything with, from comedic hijinks, to serious dramas, to distributing horror stories, to exciting adventure stories. He reminds me of the best type of science fiction stories, ones that explore people and existence from all sorts of angles, that never lose sight of the emotional human core at the heart of all the high concept existential concepts. He’s made me laugh, cry, think, get motivated, get angry, and sometimes just get writing. He brings the big ideas and the human emotions that keep me reading comics throughout all the Big 2′s bullshit. He still believes in the human capacity for good, in spite of our flaws, in spite of how few of us seem to believe in that capacity ourselves, and he shows us that it’s still there by touching our hearts through his stories. That’s why I like Superman, and why he’s my favorite superhero.

[dukethomas]

Summary: Duke and Damian, over the years. 

Written for @duketectivecomics’ Duke Week! Day Four is Reverse Robin, though I modified it so it could be Reverse Batfam. Reverse Batkid? Still works.

-

Duke is nine. He’s Batman’s partner, Lark, and helping Batman punch the living daylights out of criminals helps him forget his parents’ grins and their laughter, and his laughter. (Bruce benches him whenever he’s working on a Joker case. Duke doesn’t complain.) It’s fun, and he’s good at it.

However, he’s heard enough about the League of Assassins, and he’s watched footage in training of Bruce fighting off a whole horde of Assassins (with a capital A) to know that these guys aren’t to be trifled with. And while Duke has spirit and guts and instinct and smarts, what he doesn’t have is the grace anyone in that footage has. He’s still training. He has a long way to go.

And he definitely can’t fight off an Assassin on his own. He’ll try, sure, but he has his limits.

So when he runs to open the door—he and Alfred have made a game out of it, because they kept running into each other whenever the doorbell rung. Whoever gets there first gets a fresh batch of cookies or tea made just for them by the loser—his eyes widen and his jaws drop when he sees Talia al Ghul.

And a boy, who’s taller than him, so Duke assumes he’s older. The boy sniffs and turns his nose up at Duke.

A few seconds too late, Duke settles into his fighting stance. His fists are up and he stares down Talia al Ghul and the boy, hoping something in his eyes would tell them to back down, something steely and indomitable, like all the books say.

Talia al Ghul chuckles. “Down, boy,” she says, her eyes glittering with mirth. “Neither of us intend to cause harm.”

“Speak for yourself,” the boy mutters, glancing at Duke, but Talia al Ghul doesn’t seem to hear it. The boy is unsettlingly quiet and still for someone who doesn’t even look that much older than Duke. He holds himself weirdly. It’s not unlike the entitled rich kid pose, but it’s also tense and lax at the same time.

Like how Bruce fights, Duke realizes. His mind is tense but his body is calm.

“Uh,” he says ever so eloquently. “Bruce! Alfred!”

Bruce shows up three minutes later, and the boy inhales sharply, but softly. Duke is already getting tired of the oxymorons.

“This,” Talia al Ghul says with a light flourish, “is your son. Damian al Ghul Wayne.”

I’m sorry, what?

Duke glances back at Bruce to see what he thinks, and Bruce’s eyebrows are tightly knit together. “You told me you lost the child,” he murmurs.

“I lied,” responds Talia al Ghul, a line of regret tracing her nonchalant tone. “My father’s wishes.”

And what happens after devolves into boring grown-up talk, so Duke stops paying attention. He keeps an eye on their respective body languages, in case this turns into a fight.

But he hates being by adults who are talking without him with nothing else to do, so he turns to the boy—Damian.

“Our names both start with a D,” he offers, smiling at Damian.

Damian doesn’t smile back. Instead, he scoffs, and says nothing else. What Duke has gathered is that Damian was raised with the League of Assassins, which means chances of him being an Assassin too are nearly one-hundred percent. But Talia al Ghul has years, decades, maybe centuries of training on Damian, and Damian can’t hide the worry in his eyes nearly as well. Plus, Duke’s good at reading people, Bruce says it’s a talent.

So he tries again to talk to Damian. “You’re coming to stay with us, right?” A small nod. Success! “I gotta show you all the good places to hide. It won’t hide us from Alfred, because Alfred knows all, but if you don’t want to listen to Bruce, well.” He gestures at Bruce and Talia al Ghul jabbering on about something adult-y.

“Tt,” is the only sound that comes from Damian, and it’s the third oxymoron so far. It’s simultaneously amused and disapproving, and that’s when Duke thinks he knows the problem.

Damian has a shadow cast over him, a long and dark one he can’t seem to shake.

Well, that’s fine. Duke has always clung to the light better than the shadows, he’ll just be Damian’s light as well as Batman’s.

-

Damian doesn’t warm up to Duke quickly, though not for lack of trying on Duke’s part. The older boy keeps brushing him away and getting all huffy, and downright rude. Once Duke sneaks up on Damian and he whips around with a blade pointed towards Duke’s head. Yeesh.

Duke eventually decides it’s easier to stay away. Do his Lark business, go to school, let Bruce deal with Damian.

And he thinks Damian resents him for that. Duke can see why—Bruce gets all stiff and cold with Damian, like he was in the first month of Duke living there, but he’s caught Damian lingering in the doorway of Duke’s bedroom watching Bruce hover around Duke more than once—but honestly? He’s just tired of it. And he wishes he could help, but clearly there’s something deeper there.

Still. Duke doesn’t dislike Damian. Damian’s just… rough around the edges. And sometimes those rough edges are deadly and sharp and Alfred tells him to stay away from knives in the kitchen (even though Duke’s fought off goons with knives before).

(And Duke’s used to rough edges, he thinks, shuddering as a boisterous laugh comes from the TV when he does his homework.)

“Hey, Batman?” he asks one night during a stakeout.

Bruce looks over to him, eyebrow clearly raised even if Duke can’t see it through the cowl.

Duke shines his flashlight into Bruce’s eyes, earning him a curse and a scowl. “When are you going to talk to Dami—um, D?”

“Put that down,” Bruce commands gently, pulling the flashlight away, but Duke just redirects it. “I’ve been talking to him.”

“Yeah, to tell him off! When are you going to treat him like your son, B? You treat me more like a son than him, and I’m not even—” He cuts himself off. “I’m not even your son.” Which shouldn’t feel like it’s gnawing at him inside to say, because it’s true. Doug Thomas is his dad and will always be, but…

He shakes his head. The focus is on Damian right now.

“Are you ever going to let him… y’know?” he blurts. He’s always finding Damian in the Cave (Batcave, Duke insists, but Bruce just ruffles his hair) wielding his sword. He has half a mind to ask Damian to train with him, because Duke knows if he wants to be better, he has to learn from the best. And Damian looks incredible when he practices. All fluid and graceful, like he learned how to fight before he could walk.

Bruce’s hand reaches towards Duke, then draws back. “We don’t use lethal methods, Lark.”

“Then teach him non-lethal methods.”

The answer seems clear as daylight to Duke, though evidently, not so much to Bruce. He hopes it helps anyways.

And then the thugs they’re on the lookout for walk into the warehouse with a confident swagger, and it’s showtime. By the time they’re done, Duke is grinning and bouncing, saying, “I just knocked that guy out, did you see that? That was so cool!”

Batman never loses his stony demeanor while in costume, but if the edges of Bruce’s mouth curve upwards on the Batmobile ride home, Duke knows to not tell anyone.

Unfortunately, his dreams are less than pleasant.

It’s his parents again. When is it not? They’re pressed up against the glass, his mom has this crooked smirk, and she snarls at him. She bangs her fist on the glass and yells, “I’m going to kill you!”

Duke backs up, finding only a foot of space between the glass and the wall behind him. “Mom,” he croaks out, but she doesn’t hear. She never does. “Mom, it’s me, it’s Duke, your son.” His eyes burn and tears come spilling out.

The lights flicker once, twice, before zapping out completely, leaving him and his parents in darkness.

His mom cackles, and tells him, “I know. I know!” and she’s more aware than she’s been in months, and she barrels her head into the glass. It cracks, shards of glass flying around Duke.

A plea is on his lips as she lunges at him, and he jolts up, his shirt damp with sweat.

He’s in his bedroom at Wayne Manor, he dully realizes. He’s still shrouded with darkness, but his parents aren’t here. They had considered moving his parents on the grounds, but ultimately decided against it.

He lets himself pant, gripping his bedsheets. Would he be a bad son if he thinks that was a good decision?

Duke hears footsteps outside his door and freezes, his heart pounding in his ears. He squeezes his eyes shut.

Someone opens the door, and there’s a click—a familiar one, from the light switch. Duke cranes his neck to see Damian entering, the older boy awkward and groggy in his movements, but there.

Damian is still in the doorframe, his eyes roaming the room and looking anywhere but at Duke. Something gleams in his left pocket. “I heard… there were screams. Did you need something, Thomas?”

“Please,” Duke whispers, eyes wide and staring at the shadow behind Damian. “Can I have a hug?”

Damian pauses, steps back, then moves forward, making a beeline towards Duke. He envelops Duke into a hug, oddly detached and patting Duke on the back, but a hug nonetheless. Duke leans into the touch, feeling a tear roll down his face and onto Damian’s shirt. “Sorry,” he mumbles, his throat tight.

“It’s… alright,” Damian replies. “I was already awake. And I have other items of clothing.”

For some reason, that brings on the sobs into full-force, with Duke gasping for breath as he lets it all out. Damian is there, still patting Duke on the back until it becomes a rhythmic comfort.

Duke doesn’t know when he drifts off to sleep, but he wakes up with Damian’s shirt draped over him with his green blanket.

Sunshine slips in through the curtains, hastily pulled open, as sunshine blooms in Duke’s chest. He sprints downstairs, jumping and skipping stairs like he’s walking on air.

“Slow down, Master Duke!” Alfred reprimands, and Duke shrugs and does as Alfred says, but only a little bit.

He almost runs straight into Damian, but he stops himself just in time. He opens his mouth to thank Damian, but Damian furrows his eyebrows at Duke and says, “Did you talk to Father? He spoke to me about training,” and a tension has been lifted from Damian’s shoulders. He’s springier.

“I think?” Duke says, knocking his knuckles on his head trying to recall what else happened last night. “Yeah?”

Damian stares at him, his brown eyes meeting Duke’s own with a hint of something gleaming in the light. “Thank you,” he tells Duke honestly.

“No problem!” Duke chirps. And before he can take it back, he says, “That’s what brothers are for.”

(He doesn’t take it back when asked about it later. The term “brothers” feels right, even if they only started having amiable conversations last night. He doesn’t think about the implications.)

-

It’s six months of non-lethal training until Damian is deemed fit to go out into the field. Duke leans on Damian’s shoulder as the older boy sketches out a mannequin with armor. It’s when “Shadow” is written in neat cursive that Duke realizes it’s meant to be Damian’s suit.

He blinks, his eyes drooping.

He doesn’t have patrol tonight, or tomorrow for that matter, but he really needs to lay off the late-night patrols. And the late-night training. He doesn’t want to fall asleep in the middle of class.

“That looks cool,” he comments, taking in the design. It’s gray and black, a bat in the chest. Damian fills in the outline of a cowl, and—

“Hey, wait, is this just a mini Batman costume?”

Damian stiffens. Almost imperceptibly, but Duke is busy soaking up Damian’s warmth right now, so he notices.

Duke moves the desk lamp so he can see the drawing more clearly. “C’mon, Damian,” he says, “I know you can be more original than this.”

“Tt,” Damian responds, still tracing over the lines he’s already drawn. “It has already proven itself to be a suitable design; why bother?”

A curl falls in front of Duke’s eyes, and he blows it away. Huffs, puffs, and the whole shebang. “Because you’re not Bruce? I have my own suit. I chose the colors!” Yellow with black accents, because it’s always been a hopeful color for Duke, and that’s what he wants to inspire—hope. Also, it’s a lark color scheme, minus brown, because wearing brown? Yuck.

Yeah, sure, Lark has been described as a child flashlight several times, but Duke stands by his decision. Even now, thinking about his suit makes him smile.

Damian pauses for a while after that. His hand stills. “Are you suggesting Father isn’t someone I should aspire to be like?”

“Be like,” Duke points out. “Not be. Seriously. I think you would look really cool in green!”

A scoff comes from Damian at that. “I chose the name Shadow for a reason, I will not go out in bright colors and compromise stealth.”

Duke yawns and snuggles closer into Damian’s shoulder. “Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, Dami. I’m just saying, you don’t have to be Batman.” His eyes close, and it’s a sweet relief. Damian doesn’t respond for a while, so Duke adds, voice soft, “I think Lark looks cooler than Batman, anyhow.”

He wakes up on Damian’s bed, the older boy and his sketch conspicuously missing. When Duke heads down to the Batcave for training, he sees a new paper pinned. He recognizes the swoopy thin lines of Damian’s art, but the design is totally new.

The suit is wicked cool, dark gray and all jagged edges where the Batman suit has smooth lines, and a little circle to the side of the chest with a Bat rather than one spread across the chest. It’s cloaked rather than caped, the hood concealing hair instead of a cowl. A black domino mask with white lenses covers the eyes. Golden accent lines run throughout the suit, and Duke wonders if people affiliated with the Bat can only really have one color scheme: black, gray, and yellow or gold.

He grins, looking at it, but turns at the quiet footfalls he’s been learning to recognize.

“Good morning!” he chirps at Damian, who’s rubbing the grogginess out of his eyes. Despite that, he’s already dressed, wearing a forest green sweater and black jeans.

Damian half-smiles and arches an eyebrow. “Do you still believe that Lark’s suit is the coolest?”

And c’mon, Duke has to defend his honor. He sticks his tongue out and blows a raspberry. “Always and forever.”

“Well then, it appears you have been misinformed,” Damian hums.

Damian’s suit is completed within the week, and Duke has to admit—it looks even cooler when it’s real. Lark’s is still the best, though.

-

Duke would be lying if he says he isn’t dumbfounded every time he gets to visit the Watchtower. It’s in outer freakin’ space, of course he’s impressed. His headquarters is a literal cave. Even with four years as Lark under his belt, his jaw still drops.

Batman’s here for a routine League meeting. Normally, he and Damian don’t come with, but another sidekick—Duke makes a face at the word, he prefers the term partners, but the media sticks with that—debuted the other day. He goes by Kid Flash, and he seems pretty cool. Duke’s looking forward to meeting him… if the Flashes ever showed up on time.

Which they do not. So Duke and Damian wait, along with some others—Aqualad, Teen Lantern, Red Arrow, and Crush this time around—with Hawkwoman as their babysitter of sorts. She’s not the most thrilled with this assignment, but Duke can’t blame her, it’s pretty boring.

Duke and Damian sit with each other by the wall. Superboy should have been here but he and Superman had civilian duties to take care of, so they sit in comfortable silence.

He gives up within two minutes. It’s just too long to wait while doing nothing. He stands up to have a look around the Watchtower, maybe he can even find that huge window that shows off the expanse of space. His English teacher will love the words he writes about it.

Something catches his eye, a dull silver in the edges of his vision. Duke heads towards it, and to his delight, Hawkwoman left her mace on a table. A grin splits his face and he reaches out to hold it.

“What are you doing?” Damian hisses from behind him, pulling his hands away from the mace. “Don’t touch that!”

“But Shadow!” Duke argues. “It’s right there! It’s not even harmful, I think! It’s made out of alien metal, right? That’s so baller, I have to feel it for myself.”

Damian sighs and puts his head in his gauntlet-covered hands. “Nth metal, Lark. It’s made of Nth metal, and is potentially very dangerous.”

Duke takes the spare moment of distraction to hold the Nth metal, and he grins up into the ceiling. A mistake, he realizes as industrial lights beam down at him, causing him to squint and glance down.

Damian moves forward to pull the mace out of his hands, except there’s a quality to him, a certain golden sheen, and Duke backs up. He blinks, and Damian hasn’t even moved, but then he does, again, in the exact same way as before.

Damian’s lenses widen. “Lark, let that go. Now!” he commands. “It has an effect on you. Your eyes are—”

Duke blinks a few more times, not hearing the rest of that. His vision is so much sharper now. It’s making him a little dizzy, but he doesn’t say that.

Instead, he does let go of the mace, and it clatters to the floor noisily.

“Shadow,” he blurts, lurching forward.

Damian catches him and pulls him up into an embrace. Duke may be twelve now, but he’s reminded of his dad’s hugs. Firm and protective. He leans into it. “Are you alright?” Damian whispers into Duke’s ear.

Duke’s vision swims with lights and colors and brightness. He buries his face into Damian’s chest, relishing the darkness. He nods.

Damian’s hand rests on Duke’s back. “We’ll… we’ll figure this out,” he promises.

-

Duke swallows down a glass of punch at the side of the room in the middle of a gala. It slides down his throat and sloshes around in his stomach uneasily.

He stares at Cass, quiet for a ten-year-old but the brightest person in the room. Everywhere she goes, by Bruce’s side or not, people flock to her and their gazes are drawn in her direction. She glides through the gala graceful as the moon, but with the attention she’s getting, you’d think she’s the sun.

The gala is being held in celebration of Bruce’s adoption of Cass. A darling princess for the Wayne lineage, says one newspaper. Bruce Wayne’s pity adoptee, sneers another.

And Duke can relate. Bruce and Alfred tried to hide it from him, but the tabloids didn’t have anything good to say about him either. But Duke’s mind lingers on the difference.

He shakes his head, staring at his deep brown eyes through the cerise lense of the punch. It’s silly. Of course Bruce wouldn’t adopt him; Duke has perfectly good parents already. It would make the paperwork easier should—when his parents get cured.

“Something’s wrong,” Damian observes, walking up behind Duke.

“Nothing’s wrong,” Duke replies, ignoring the way his chest twists at the words.

He can practically feel Damian raise his eyebrows. “You’re lying, and we both know it. Come with me, Duke.”

Duke follows without a retort, and Damian leads him to the balcony. The gentle moonlight and starlight welcomes him more than the harsher lights of the chandeliers inside ever have.

“Since when did you become the emotionally intuitive one?” Duke asks, crossing his arms over the railing.

Damian huffs. “I am still not aware of what’s going on with you. But I am… I’m your older brother. It’s my duty.”

Duke hums at that. The description resonates deep in his bones, a familiar comfort, and it had never felt wrong. More like puzzle pieces snapping together.

Brother often means they share a father. It just as often can mean they do not. And Duke didn’t think they did—did they?

“It’s not Cass’ fault,” he says, playing a mental game with the Gotham skyline. He always tries to find his old neighborhood, before he got taken in by Bruce. It helps him remember, so one day, he might come home and he wouldn’t have forgotten. “It’s my brain that’s being fucky.”

“Language,” Damian reprimands under his breath. He then speaks in a louder tone, now meant for Duke’s ears. “I didn’t think so. You were never the resentful type. I’m grateful for that.”

Duke throws his head back to laugh. Five years ago, Damian would rather stab him than talk about feelings like this. Duke wanted to train with Damian. Funny how things change. “No, it’s—it’s something else. Bruce adopted Cass. That’s what’s bothering me, I think.”

Damian tilts his head at Duke. “Would you prefer for Father,”—Baba, now, behind closed doors, but Duke wouldn’t pry—“to adopt you?”

“No. I don’t think so. Would I? I already have a dad.” Duke sucks in a breath. He’d gone to visit them last weekend. No improvements, as per usual. Not even lucid enough to give Duke death threats.

“Family isn’t bound by blood,” Damian reminds him softly. “I have a brother now, and a sister. Who’s to say you can’t have two fathers?”

Duke blinks rapidly. His finger brushes the corner of his eye and comes away wet. “And I’m not a bad son? I’m not abandoning my dad for Bruce?”

“Absolutely not.”

And just like that, a dam bursts. One tear rolls down Duke’s cheeks, then another, then several more. Despite this, hope settles into his chest with the cool touch of the moon and stars.

“Thank you, Dami,” Duke says, jumping into a hug with the taller boy (though Damian won’t remain that for long—Duke shot up rapidly in the last year or so, and he’s quickly approaching Damian’s height).

Damian returns the hug, his chin warm against Duke’s shoulder when he tells Duke, “Anytime.”

-

Damian is dead.

Duke’s breath hitches, with quiet little Cass by his side and Steph and Harper there for moral support. The funeral is closed casket—the cover story had been kidnappers and an explosion, and thus, no body to bury.

Duke had seen Damian’s body. He and Bruce were a moment too late. Duke is fast, faster than Bruce when desperate, but he had glimpsed a moment into the future and fell back, momentarily blinded by the explosion that hadn’t even happened yet.

Maybe if he hadn’t relied on his powers, maybe if he’d pushed past that to run, maybe if he arrived a minute or two earlier, Damian wouldn’t have—

Cass squeezes his hand. Duke squeezes back, numb to the core. He lets go and steps back, into the shade of a tree.

Damian’s funeral is held on a day where the sun glares, its heat searing into their skin. It’s not right. Nothing about this is right. Damian is—was—seventeen.

After the funeral, Duke writes a note to Bruce. He writes that he’s resigning as Lark. He can’t do this anymore, not when Lark’s partner is Shadow as well as Batman. His words tumble out without eloquence, and his tears smear the ink.

He flees.

And maybe he’s a coward. He can live with that. But Gotham—the city of rebirth, he liked to call it. The city of new beginnings. The city that had always seemed like stubbornness and perseverance and hope. It was Damian’s beginning, but it was also his end.

And Duke remembers why another name was given to Gotham.

(City of death. Death and rebirth is the whole phrase. He can’t ever forget that.)

It’s marred with the memory of them, of Damian, of his parents, of the kid that hoped and told himself if no one else would help, he would. Duke can’t stay here. No matter how much this feels like a betrayal to his family, to his father that believed Gotham would shine true, to his mother who came here to start a new life, to Damian whose smile was like Gotham’s sun, he can’t stay. He can’t. He can’t.

So what if Duke is a traitor? He doesn’t have many left to betray.

Instead, he seeks refuge in Blüdhaven, notorious for being the only city worse than Gotham. A simple city, one that held no pretenses of goodness, one that wouldn’t betray Duke.

Duke thought he was Damian’s light, but now that Damian’s gone, he knows better.

Damian was a light all on his own, and without him, Duke’s light shatters into tiny shards.

One morning not long after the funeral, Duke wakes up to find the sun assaulting his eyes, which is a rarer occurrence in Blüdhaven than in Gotham.

He shuts the blinds and cries in the quiet, shadowed room, his chest heaving with every sob, painfully aware that every gasped breath is a breath Damian will never get to take.

-

(The next two years seem to fly by. Duke becomes Blüdhaven’s Signal, and begins to take on the local gangs. He dismantles them from the inside out, with a focus he didn’t often have before.

He becomes an emancipated minor at barely fifteen, and he enrolls himself into a public high school. He used to have a 4.0 GPA. Now, with late nights spent fighting, and early mornings spent applying makeup over the bruises, his school performance dips.

A boy, small and skinny, appears on his doorstep. Duke recognizes him—it’s Timothy Drake, the next door neighbor who Duke would visit every once in a while, the boy with the emptiest house Duke has ever seen. “I know you used to be Lark,” Tim Drake tells him, “that Bruce Wayne is Batman, and that Damian used to be Shadow.”

Duke flinches and nearly slams the door in tiny Tim’s face right there and then. (Duke is only two years older, but sometimes it feels like it could be centuries in between them.)

“I need you to be Lark again. Batman has been uncontrolled, lately. Violent.”

“No,” Duke says firmly, crossing his arms. “I’m not—I won’t go back.” Which is a lie. He briefly went back to finalize the emancipation. He avoided Bruce’s eyes, then.

“He needs you!”

“He needs his son!” Duke retorts. “And he has—he has Batgirl and Black Bat and Bluebird. He doesn’t need me.”

Tim only looks at him with steely blue eyes, and something in them causes a pit to drop in Duke’s stomach. Oh god, why didn’t he keep up with Gotham news, did someone else…?

Duke holds onto the memory of texting Cass yesterday. She said she was staying at Steph’s and Harper’s place, which meant all three are safe. (Right? Right.)

“I’m sorry,” he tells Tim earnestly, “but I can’t do it. I’m not that guy anymore.” And then the door shuts, with a soft click. Duke waits by the door until he hears Tim’s footsteps fade.

Jon Kent visits. Duke lets him in, and soon enough, teen heroes stop by Duke’s apartment in droves. Duke was only ever a reserves Teen Titan, to be called upon if there was an emergency; Damian was the one who made friends within the Titans, while Duke’s friends remained squarely in Gotham. Still, Titans stop by to say their condolences or just laugh over the counter with cups of instant hot cocoa.

It helps relieve the ache of loneliness. Duke doesn’t realize how much he needs other people to thrive until he calls for a Teen Titans study session and notices with glowing warm pride that his grades are straight A’s once again.

And… Duke travels back to Gotham. Not to stay, the wounds are still too fresh, but he has a conversation with Bruce, the man that has almost been a father to him for years now, and he thinks it might not be so bad.

Tim is Shadow now. Tim had a choice between Lark and Shadow, and he chose what he knows best. Instead, Steph becomes Lark while Cass fills in Steph’s shoes as Batgirl.

It’s almost a heartwarming picture of a not-quite family.

And Duke wonders if, one day, Damian might be a happy memory to look back to.

Of course, that’s when Damian returns.)

-

“You let him replace me,” Damian snarls, his hands balled into fists.

Duke freezes in place, staring at the man under the red helmet. Damian’s eyes glint with green, a sharp green that terrifies where the brown used to comfort. A shadow covers nearly three quarters of Damian’s face, but the green still pierces.

“Dami,” he says, his voice cracking. “You—you’re—”

Alive, Duke doesn’t get to say before Damian lunges at him with a knife, his eyes gleaming with madness.

-

“You have reached Red Hood. Do not try to contact me again.”

“Hey, yeah, Dami, it’s Duke, Harper and I finally found this number, I just… I just want to let you know you’re welcome back in the family whenever. Bruce isn’t even—he’s not even that angry anymore. All we want is for you to come home. We miss you. Please. I’ll call again if you don’t respond in twenty-four hours.”

“You have reached Red Hood. Do not try to contact me again.”

“Duke again. What the fuck, Damian? I know you’re seeing this. I saw you on the news. Someone managed to record a video of you walking out of that warehouse—we were going to ambush them tomorrow night, but I guess the first one there can call dibs. Anyways, I saw you check your phone. You know I’m here. You didn’t even kill any of them this time. Please come home. Calling again in twenty-four hours if you don’t respond.”

“You have reached Red Hood. Do not try to contact me again.”

“Am I the only one who leaves you voicemails? Does anyone else know you have this number, like, at all? That’s not the point. The point is that we’re still waiting. And you can come back whenever you’re ready. I just… yeah. Yeah. I’ll talk to you again in twenty-four hours.”

“You have reached Red Hood. Do not try to contact me again.”

“You know, Cass scared the shit out of Bruce the other day? She’s opened up a lot since after you… uh. Well. Anyways, you should have seen his face, Dami, it was hilarious. Almost as good as that time we put glitter into the vents of the Batmobile. I’ll talk to you again, yeah? Yeah.

“You have reached Red Hood. Do not try to contact me again.”

“I’m not actually part of the family, did you know that? Became an emancipated minor a few months after you died. I don’t know why I keep trying—if you won’t come back for family, who says you’ll come back for me? ...Does this sound sudden to you? For context, Bruce and I screamed at each other for a half hour straight about… never mind. I’ll talk to you la—oh, what the hell, you know the drill.”

“You have reached Red Hood. Do not try to contact me again.”

“...Dami? I’m in a little bit of a hurry here, but—whoa! Holy shit. I was wondering if you’d want to come to my graduation ceremony in Bludhaven next week? It’s, uh—fuck!—it would mean a lot to me if you were able to make it. I’m salutatorian. So no speeches but I’ll still look cool. Motherbitcher on a stick, I—tell me if you’re gonna come, alri—AHHHHHHHHHHH! You fucker, that hurts, I—why do I feel… dizzy…?”

“Hey! This is Duke, I can’t get to the phone right now, but don’t worry, I’m sure I’m fine. If it’s urgent, though, leave a message after the beep! ...Wait, does it beep?”

“Thomas, you imbecile, of course it beeps. You need to answer me and tell me where you are. I—I will try again.”

“Hey! This is Duke, I can’t get to the phone right now, but don’t worry, I’m sure I’m fine. If it’s urgent, though, leave a message after the beep! ...Wait, does it beep?”

“Answer me, where are you? Did you get yourself in trouble? Stupid, idiotic Thomas, why are you calling me on patrol?”

“Hey! This is Duke, I can’t get to the phone right now, but don’t worry, I’m sure I’m fine. If it’s urgent, though, leave a message after the beep! ...Wait, does it beep?”

“...Duke? I will come to your graduation ceremony. I would—I would love to see you again. Please be alright.”

“Hey! This is Duke, I can’t get to the phone right now, but don’t worry, I’m sure I’m fine. If it’s urgent, though, leave a message after the beep! ...Wait, does it beep?”

“Duke! I’m on my way. Please be alright, please be alright. If you die, I will hunt you down and throw you in a Pit, and the Pits are not to be trifled with. There’s no telling what you’ll come back like. But I… hey, watch where you’re going!”

“Hey! This is Duke, I can’t get to the phone right now, but don’t worry, I’m sure I’m fine. If it’s urgent, though, leave a message after the beep! ...Wait, does it beep?”

“I’ve talked with Father. Isn’t that what you wanted? This is a terrible way to go about it. He has a tracker on you and I’m headed to your coordinates. Please be alright. I’ll… see you when I see you.”

“Hey! This is Duke, I can’t get to the phone right now, but don’t worry, I’m sure I’m fine. If it’s urgent, though, leave a message after the beep! ...Wait, does it beep?”

“Duke Thomas, you are a colossal dumbass. But I wanted to talk to you. Doctor Thompkins is checking you over, I’m trying to avoid Father and my replacement. I… I hope you’ll be alright. You’ve paled and you’ve lost a lot of blood, but Doctor Thompkins believes you’re salvageable. You’ll be okay.

“I didn’t get to finish my message, one of the earlier ones, I just realized. If you don’t make it out of this… I will hunt down an unused Pit for you, no matter the risks. Don’t you dare say you’re not part of this family, because that isn’t true in the slightest. You are my brother. I’ve been neglecting my duties as the elder brother. I—I promise to remedy that when you awake.

“Please be alright.”

-

“I got my phone back,” Duke says to Damian. Damian’s eyes are closed, as if he fell asleep, but his shoulders are tense.

Damian’s eyes flutter open. The green pierces through Duke’s chest, they’re nothing like what he remembers. He knows all too well he can scarcely remember his mother’s real laugh anymore. What if one day he forgets Damian’s brown eyes as well?

“I heard your message. Would you really…?”

Damian crosses his arms. “I meant every word.”

Duke grins, holding out his arms. “Hug?”

Damian accepts, gently embracing Duke. “Moron.”

A tear runs down Duke’s face, but it’s warm and filled with hope for the future. Their future. “That’s what brothers are for.”

-

“Tt,” Damian says, his voice modulated coming from underneath the helmet. “You seem to be doing alright with everyone living in the Manor. I am not needed.”

Duke frowns and revs his motorcycle. Damian lost his in the warehouse explosion, so Duke’s giving him a ride to the Batmobile. They’ll steal it, just like when they were kids. “You can’t hoist the oldest child responsibilities onto me, that’s not how this works. We share it, remember? Also, we all miss you. Lark,”—now Tim, after Damian made the attempt on his life, but Duke’s positive that Tim is inventing his own mantle now—“would be a little testy about it, but he really admired you, y’know. That’s why he took your name and not mine.”

They enter the Narrows, the grimy apartments and alleyways familiar, but they really have gotten better in the past decade or so. Duke still has an apartment in Blüdhaven, but he’s been going back and forth between both cities pretty frequently.

Gotham is his home. He can’t stay away long.

“I still haven’t properly apologized—” Damian cuts himself off. Duke turns towards where the Batmobile is parked, squinting to see what’s captured Damian’s attention.

A small boy, who couldn’t be more than thirteen, drops a huge Batmobile tire and runs.

Damian chases after him, with Duke close behind. “You gotta admit,” he says to Damian with a grin, “the kid’s got guts. Jacking tires from the Batmobile?”

They slow down as they find the kid, and share a look. The kid may have guts, but to even try must mean he’s desperate.

“Hey!” Duke calls, his bright as hell Signal outfit probably more inviting than Damian’s whole shtick, especially with the sword sheathed at Damian’s side. He turns on a little penlight attached to his keyring. “Hey, we don’t want to hurt you. How about we go out to eat?”

-

“Hey, Dickhead!” Jason yells up at the ceiling. Duke cranes his neck to see, and… yeah, Dick’s on the chandelier again. It shakes, the light scattering and dancing across the room.

Damian is sitting at the table, sipping at his jasmine tea. “Jason,” he sharply reprimands.

Jason’s tiny nose scrunches up. “Sorry, Mom.”

Without missing a beat, Damian asks in a tone quiet enough for only Duke to hear, “Do you ever miss when it was only us two?”

“Always,” Duke responds. “But I wouldn’t give up any of… this family for the world.”

And maybe they’re a little broken, but they’re trying to rebuild. Duke isn’t Damian’s light anymore, nor is Damian a shadow, or another light, or anything his younger self's mind could have dreamed of. They’re people. Living, breathing people who try their best, and it’s more of a partnered relationship than anything.

They help each other. They stick by each other’s sides and they learn, and they grow, and they find that they’re more alike than they think.

Maybe they’re not alright. But that’s alright. They’re trying.

“Besides,” Duke says after a brief pause, “it wasn’t nearly as funny when it was only me driving you up a wall.”

Damian snorts at that and elbows him.

And everything seems right in the world.

Also read and comment on AO3!

[frasier-crane-style]

So Spider-Man: Homecoming strikes me as largely a... ummmm... unholy aberration? In that it’s a comic book adaptation that largely isn’t based on the comic book, it’s based on John Hughes movies from the eighties. And then at the same time, it’s modernized and updated and diversified because it can’t be old and outdated like the Dikto comics (although Ultimate Spider-Man was largely the same), but then all that modernization and updating is based on... the eighties.

1. Diversity

I suppose we might as well start with the elephant in the room. In the lead-up to Homecoming being released, there were a ton of articles backpatting Marvel (or backpatting themselves, rather) over how much of the cast was non-white. Not that you’d know it from looking at the poster, of course.

I just have problems. One, the diversity itself. I see it as mainly Marvel trying to placate the fans who wanted Miles Morales, a little like a dad who forgot his kid’s birthday so at the gas station he got a Sandlot DVD or whatever. “No, you’re not Spider-Man, but you CAN be... Ned Leeds! Don’t ya wanna be Ned Leeds, negroes?” Like, does that really matter that much? Are there black people dancing in the streets because Liz Allan is biracial? Is it really that big a deal that Spider-Man’s sidekicks and/or love interests are minorities, when that was also the case in Captain America, Iron Man, Guardians of the Galaxy, Ant-Man, etc. And all of them did it without this racebending that was apparently so necessary. 

It also bugs me that Marvel justifies it by going “well, we’re just reflecting the real world diversity in New York! hashtag stay woke!” Yeah, they’re just reflecting the real world. Like in Captain America, when they reflected the reality of the segregated army of the 1940s.

Or how they reflected that all of the Norse gods were, y’know, kinda Norse.

It’s not that it’s such a bad argument, it’s just that I see it argued in bad faith a lot. When it suits their needs, people on the Left argue “hey, it’s realistic, you have to do X!” (see the Dunkirk “controversy”) Then when it doesn’t suit their needs, they argue “hey, there are dragons or aliens or whatever, it doesn’t need to be realistic! We can say that in 1966, the US army was all lesbian schoolgirls! Who cares?”

Just pick a position and stick to it. Also, maybe that diversity should carry over to the bad guys as well. Remember the head of a Middle Eastern terrorist organization, according to Marvel?

Or the head of a Far East cult?

Anyway, all this limp-wristed apologizing for Peter Parker being Spider-Man instead of Miles Morales comes off as especially galling when he’s getting his own movie. No other legacy character is getting that good a deal. There aren’t two Batman movies coming out, one with Dick Grayson and one with Bruce Wayne. And yet, Peter Parker’s movie still has to suffer and even incorporate a bunch of Miles Morales’s canon for no real reason. If you’re going to make a Peter Parker movie, make a Peter Parker movie, not this half-assed “oh, it’s Peter, but don’t worry, Miles is on his way, sorry, sorry, sorry!”

2. Flash

I don’t buy the Flash Thompson update at all. Like, is that really how bullying works now? The popular, cool nerd picking on the unpopular, lame nerd? It’s like, they’re both on the academic decathlon team. Flash is picking on Peter because he’s a better mathlete than him. Imagine Flash Thompson as a football player, and Peter is another football player who’s better at it than him, and somehow Flash is at the top of the social hierarchy and Peter’s at the bottom. Does that make any sense?

Of course, if they were really going to update Peter’s bullying, it would seem like they would at least mention cyberbullying, instead of just making Peter’s ‘tormentor’ a guy who makes passive-aggressive comments that Peter doesn’t even seem to notice. I feel like the irony of Peter being far stronger than Flash, but obviously unable to haul off and sock him one, plus the irony of Flash being a fan of Spider-Man but disliking Peter, is way stronger than whatever they’re trying to accomplish by giving him an ‘intellectual rival.’

Also, is making Peter’s nemesis a rich prick really that much more original than his nemesis being a jerk jock? REALLY?

3. MJ

I would argue their rendition of ‘MJ’ is way less faithful than the outright loathed Deadpool in X-Men Origins: Wolverine. Wolverine, you get at least a couple of scenes where Ryan Reynolds is playing Wade Wilson, he’s making jokes, he has two katanas... he turns into an abomination, but he spends several scenes not as an abomination.

Michelle... they adapted a famously dancing party girl and all they had her talk about was how she hates parties. She’s literally the exact opposite of Mary Jane. Even the watered down MJs in the Raimi movies, Ultimate comics, and SMLMJ were still popular, positive characters. 

Michelle, again, exact opposite. I have no idea why people are cool with this except that either they’re fetishizing, like, any black people at all--Chris Tucker could come in and scream “HELP ME, SPIDER-MAN, I GOT THESE CRIMINALS ALL OVER ME!” and they’d go yay, representation matters--or they hate Mary Jane in the first place and wouldn’t care if Marvel turned her into Norman Osborn’s chief assassin and baby-killer.

In which case, it seems you should complain a little just on principle. Isn’t any character entitled to a little better treatment than this? Especially a famous female character that has a lot of fans who she means something to? If you’re going to make this character a socially awkward nerd, why not at least name her after Gwen Stacy or Debra Whitman, who are at least something like that in canon? Even if you’re just a Gwen Stacy fan, do you want the waters muddied so that now a (nominally) completely different character has traits adopted from your fave? Do you like it when female characters are treated as completely interchangeable?

4. Ned

The last of the new kids/updates/whatever the fuck is Ned, and fuck him. Fuck him in his stupid Ganke face yes I said it. I guess we’re going to ignore the hypocrisy of Ganke being the most faithfully adapted character in a Spider-Man movie, but Marvel casting an actor of a different ethnicity, so they give the character the name of another character of yet another ethnicity to cover, because everything is stupid and sucks all the time now.

BUT ANYWAY, all this just so Peter can have “a guy on a computer”? He already has Karen, which is enough of a fucking departure already, and the movie even points out how cliched a guy on a computer is! Smallville did it, Birds of Prey did it, Arrow does it, The Flash does it, Supergirl does it--does Spider-Man really have to crib notes from those fucking pikers?

The bigger problem, though, is this.

5. Secret identity

I understand Marvel deciding Peter can’t just have an internal monologue, they need to give him a character to talk to so the audience can know how he’s feeling. The Amazing Spider-Mans did that with Gwen and, at least theoretically, I’m fine with that.

My issue is that Marvel took Peter, one of their most introverted and neurotic characters, and let his entire supporting cast know he’s Spider-Man!

Seriously. Let’s check who in the cast knows he’s Spider-Man by the end of the movie.

1. Ganke/Ned

2. Tony Stark

3. Happy Hogan

4. (presumably) Pepper Potts

5. Michelle suspects/could know (so should that be half?)

5.5. Aunt May

6. The Vulture

7. Karen

So... essentially everyone but fucking Flash. One or two of these would be fine, but he can fucking take everyone who knows out to a buffet and have a roundtable discussion on what to do about the Scorpion. What about him being a loner? What’s the point of a secret identity if everyone who matters knows? What about him having to figure stuff out on his own? 

6. Rich uncle

So let me ask you something. Aunt May gets really sick--in fact, her being chronically ill would be a good way to replicate the comics’ elderly May instead of May being the bread-winner in a family that seems comfortably middle class, cough cough--what does Peter do? Does he go to the Daily Bugle and beg Jameson for an assignment? Is he tempted to rob a bank or just take some money from a crook he’s busted? How does he pay for this?

Well, in this canon, obviously he just asks Tony to write him a check.

It’s so odd, because you’d think the idea of Peter Parker as being financially unstable and constantly struggling with money troubles would be more relevant than ever these days. Yet, by making him Tony’s fucking surrogate motherfucking son, that aspect is totally neutered. Why does this Peter need to work at the Bugle at all? Why should he do anything except ask Stark--the guy who buys masterpieces he’s never even heard of on a lark--for money and then goof off?

In the comics, at least initially, Peter is constantly being Spider-Man not only to fight injustice, but also because the photographs he takes of himself fighting supervillains is the only way he has to make a living and support his aunt. Homecoming, May can support herself, he has Tony as the world’s biggest safety net, so the Spider-Man thing seems less a responsibility and more like a fun hobby he does for shits and giggles.

I’m not saying Spider-Man should be Batman, angsting and brooding over being a superhero, but shouldn’t there be some mixed feelings and conflict over it? 

And, for a character who iconically has to repair his own costume with a sewing kit, does it not seem really inappropriate for him to now be wearing a Harrier jet? They try to adapt the part in Civil War where he rejects the Iron Spider suit, but since the Iron Spider suit is here the classic costume we all want to see him in, now he rejects an even more advanced powered armor suit, while keeping the still very advanced powered armor suit that is somehow supposed to be down-home and authentic.

(I guess no one pointed out that the entire Tony-Peter relationship throughout Civil War ended with Peter realizing what an anus Tony was and rejecting him.)

6a. Rich spotlight-stealing uncle

By the way, this totally takes the emphasis off Peter as a genius in his own right (which is, remember, the reason he’s supposed to have this deep bond with Tony in the first place). Who cares if Peter invented webbing and webshooters if that’s only 1% of what his suit can do and everything else is this stupendous stuff Tony Stark came up with? You might as well go whole-hog and say that Peter was just doing parkour before and Tony invented everything. Peter isn’t even the one to hack into his own suit, he needs Gankned for that. 

7. Rich SUPERHERO uncle

Also, we’ve established that this Spider-Man isn’t qualified to fight supervillains and is expected to call for back-up whenever he runs into one, unless he’s just stupidly prideful (which is, y’know, irresponsible--not very Spidery). For the plot to work, thus we get this dumb conflict where Tony and Hogan apparently ignore Peter’s ass, only for them to ‘heartwarmingly’ reveal that they really have listened and paid attention to his missives. They just, you know, never actually tell him that or really anything (doesn’t Tony seem like the kind of guy who would at least text Peter? Probably a lot? He seems to love hanging out with the Avengers and chatting about superhero stuff otherwise...)

I know Tony is supposed to be that stupid, even after ten movies where the theme is “Tony learns not to be that stupid,” but does that really sound like something Hogan and especially Pepper would go along with?

It’s contrived enough in the first place that we’d end up in a situation where Peter is trying to call Iron Man in on this supervillain hoedown going on right now, but they won’t take his calls, so what happens in the sequel? Peter runs into the Lizard, he calls the Avengers, they say “sorry, kid--we’re all busy”? I’m not ungenerous, I’ll accept that in most solo movies, Thor or Captain America won’t call in the cavalry, but with Spider-Man, isn’t it just child endangerment to say “yeah, we know we’re supposed to help you, but it’s your solo movie, we’re not springing for ScarJo and Hulk’s FX team, we’re already giving Sony fifty percent”?

Maybe when they were ripping off Supergirl’s ‘guy at the computer,’ they should’ve realized how bad it looks when Superman is out there somewhere protecting the world, but won’t help out Supergirl no matter how bad it gets, because either she or he is an idiot.

8. The Vulture

I guess everyone likes the idea of a sympathetic, Walter White Marvel supervillain they didn’t notice the movie doesn’t actually do that? In the very first scene (before the studio logos, even!), he seems like a decent enough guy, but one time-skip later and he’s the Vulture, without seeming the least bit conflicted or remorseful about his actions. (We also immediately see him in costume, and it seems like they should’ve saved that until his first attack on Spider-Man.)

He talks a good game about how oppressed he is, but really, he seems to just do typical supervillain shit like killing his underlings for failing him, only then he literally says “whoops, I meant to use the NOT killing him raygun!” Ambiguity! Who gives a shit?

I, too, like the idea of a supervillain who starts off maybe not that bad and then becomes more desperate and dangerous as Spidey closes in on him, but really, Vulture is just another supervillain with a doomsday plan, only it takes him until the end for him to finally say “yeah, let’s go ahead with the doomsday plan!”

9. There is going to be Iron Man in your Iron Man/Spider-Man team-up movie, right?

I know a lot of people were worried about Iron Man dominating what is, after all, a Spider-Man movie, but I feel somewhat the opposite. If you’re going to have trailers ending in big money shots of Spider-Man and Iron Man running around side by side (shots that weren’t ever in the movie but were filmed just for the trailer) and posters with giant Iron Man front and center.

(This is actually three posters joined together and it’s depicting a scene that doesn’t even happen a little!)

It kinda seems like Iron Man should be important to the plot. Like Black Widow in Winter Soldier. That was a Captain America movie, clearly, but Widow had a big part to play. Homecoming, it seems more like Tony Stark cameos, only that makes it into all the trailers and posters. Why is there not a scene of Spider-Man and Iron Man fighting together? Or even of the Vulture hacking Iron Man and forcing him to fight Spider-Man? Or some development of this Vulture/Iron Man feud that’s alluded to, but then pretty much has nothing to do with anything (tell me, how would the movie be different if, say, Danny Rand had founded Damage Control instead of Stark?).

I’m just saying, if we’re going to have this character in the movie at all, why not use him to the fullest, or somewhere near the fullest? Kinda seems like the most important thing Tony does in this is get back together with Pepper so we can tie up that dangling plot thread from Civil War. 

10. The Shocker

Okay, I know this is pedantic, but it bugs me. So they have the Shocker in this as Vulture’s henchman. That’s fine--Shocker was never going to be anything other than the Scarecrow to other people’s Ra’s al Ghul. But why did they have to handle him in such an awkward way?

First, what happened to his costume? I remember there were behind-the-scenes pictures of it that looked perfectly serviceable.

Even the old video games did a ‘grounded, realistic’ take that looked halfway decent.

The toy looked fine too.

Then in the actual movie...

Oh... he’s that guy with the yellow sleeves holding a laser gun. Wait, two guys. Great.

Fucking Whiplash is dressed to the nines in comparison. What happened?

Then there’s this sequence of events. So in the movie, the OG Shocker is Montana Bryce, played by Logan Marshall-Green. (He really has nothing to do with the Shocker except in Spectacular Spider-Man, where it made sense because the Enforcers were already established characters, so they basically handed the character the tech and said presto, the Shocker.)

(Hence my theory that they’re not so much are adapting the comics than they are the comics’ Wikipedia pages. Well, that and fucking John Hughes movies, because instead of the covers or iconic panels, that’s what they pay homage to.)

Anyway, he fails Vulture, Vulture says “you’ve failed me for the last time” and kills him, then says that Herman Schultz (Shocker I in the comics) is now the Shocker. Herman Schultz--which sounds like something a black teenager would get on his fake ID in a Wayans Bros movie--is played by Bokeem Woodbine, who also seems way too intimidating and competent for the character.

But I guess he’s the official Shocker now and the whole Montana thing was just to show how ruthless the Vulture, except that they walked it back because he’s really sympathetic and honorable, except, except...

I can understand wanting a black supervillain for their Sinister Six movie and it would actually be fitting to the canonical, hard-luck Herman Schultz to end up being killed off and replaced by a more capable character. Y’know, unlike the time von Strucker got defeated in the opening scene then killed off-screen.

The point is, if they’d just switched it so that Logan Marshall-Green (or a more comedic actor) was playing Herman Schultz and Bokeem Woodbine was playing, I don’t know, John Cena/Shocker II, it would fit a hundred times better. But they just didn’t care. 

11. “My friends call me MJ” is stupid and I hate it and I hate you

I shouldn’t have to explain that making a character the exact opposite of any shred of prior characterization she’s had, then ‘revealing’ she really is the character she’s purposely been given no resemblance to is stupid Mystery Box bullshit. It’s like if the next Star Trek movie had a character named “the Sarge” with round ears who constantly guzzled beer and got emotional and said that logic sucked, then at the end, he said “well, my real name is Spock” and then the producer had to go online to say that he’s not the Spock but he is a Spock and him having pointed ears is something only racists care about and anyway he’s a new take on the character, get off our backs!

It’s not even a twist! It’s just giving the audience incorrect information, then declaring that incorrect information is suddenly correct.

But okay! I guess nothing means anything anymore and life is pointless. So let’s say that you have an audience who has never read a Spider-Man comic in their lives. (We’ll call them the target audience.) In fact, they’ve never even heard of Spider-Man. Not Green Goblin, not Doctor Octopus. They didn’t see the Sam Raimi movies or the Marc Webb movies or any of the cartoons. As far as they’re concerned, Spider-Man didn’t exist before he showed up in Civil War (which was very confusing for them, because they didn’t explain his powers or his origin or why he was living with his hot aunt instead of his parents or anything at all).

But this audience watches the movie Spider-Man: Homecoming and takes this character Michelle at face value. At the end, she says “My friends call me MJ.”

Well... so what? That doesn’t change anything for the audience. It doesn’t affect the plot. It’s the equivalent of having Verbal Kint, at the end of The Usual Suspects, reveal that he has a limp and a canker sore. 

Of course we, the prospective audience, do know that Michelle is Peter’s love interest, because she was the top-billed female lead and did all the press with Tom Holland and is the only woman who’s not a Parker family member on the poster. Oh, and because MJ is historically a big Peter Parker love interest. Except we literally don’t know or care anything about her personality or appearance or backstory or relationships with different characters other than that. But for the audience member who knows nothing else about MJ except that she fucks Peter Parker, this is a big deal. Unless in the sequel, they decide not to have her as the love interest after all.

Are you getting my point here? It’s not even a good twist. A good twist would be if the Liz Allan character were referred to as MJ, then at the end it was revealed that it stood for Marion Juliet or whatever, and that she had never been Mary Jane. Or if Zendeya (why doesn’t she have a fucking last name? You’re 20, no 20-year-old has ever been iconic, get over yourself, you’re not goddamn Cher) had said “my friends call me Harriet Osborn,” that at least would’ve been something definitive, because we would’ve known Norman is coming and he’s related to this girl.

But just... this bitch may or may not be their take on Mary Jane and she may or may not get with Peter and that may or may not come to anything... who the hell cares? It’s like a negative twist. Everyone saw it coming and it makes the story less interesting now that it’s been revealed. It’s like if the first episode of How I Met Your Mother ended with Saget saying “oh, I end up with Robin, spoiler alert.” Okay, why are we watching the fucking show now? Either you lied and that information is even more pointless than it already is or you’re going to fuck Cobie Smolders and the whole thing is a foregone conclusion. 

12. Lights! Camera! Action?

The action scenes are all short and unsatisfying, especially given that they’re using the Vulture, yet their prequeletic decision not to let Spider-Man actually web-swing (because he hasn’t earned it yet, dontchaknow) means that they don’t let them have any real memorable aerial duels. I guess so much for the entire reason to use that character.

They have all the ingredients for it to work--numerous henchmen armed with high-tech weaponry, an inexperienced (and borderline incompetent) Spider-Man, yet he pretty much just steam-rolls through everyone by virtue of his Amazing Technicolor Spidey-Suit. It makes you think that’s all that’s keeping him from being completely invulnerable is his own ineptitude and failure to properly utilize his suit. 

It’s like they knew they couldn’t pull off a better action scene than the train sequence in Spider-Man 2, so instead of at least trying to do so--like taking advantage of modern technology to give us a big Vulture fight among the skyscrapers, or giving us the Iron Man/Spider-Man team-up that was the whole point of this movie--they just turned the action scenes into open mic night. Oh, look, Spider-Man’s getting hit with golf balls! And he’s recreating Ferris Bueller jumping on a trampoline from 31-year-old movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, all very relevant and modern and updated and today’s youth! Hey, audience, we’re not taking this seriously, so why should you? Just give it a soft pass, c’mon, dontcha like Spider-Man?

I just think that, when you have this smug “we’re going to do it RIGHT” attitude of naming your movie ‘Homecoming’ and (deservedly) throwing the ASM movies under the bus, aren’t you obliged to actually follow through and do Spider-Man right instead of this bastardized hybrid of John Hughes, white Miles Morales, teen movie cliches, political correctness, Tony Stark branding, and all this other crap that has jack all to do with Peter Parker? Because they had the perfect opportunity, with the decoy Liz Allan love interest and setting multiple movies in high school, to actually do a very faithful adaptation of the comics, of Spider-Man’s supporting cast... even just having Mary Jane cameo in a few scenes, being this quipping fun-lover but not yet a love interest, would’ve done so much to make this feel like Spider-Man instead of an Iron Man spin-off. Which is what it is.

[daniel--berry]

Worst to Best Superhero Movies I’ve Seen

31) The Amazing Spider-Man

I hate this movie. I laughed throughout the entire film. “The lizard” could not have been a worse super-villain. I sort of liked the yellow Spidey-eyes, I guess. Emma Stone gave a nice performance. Can’t write anything else about it.

30) Doctor Strange

This is one of the only movies on the list I fell asleep during. Some of the visuals were pretty original, but the storyline was like a terrible version of Kung Fu Panda. Maybe if they casted Jack Black instead of super-boring Benedict Cumberbatch (I loved you in Sherlock baby, don’t be offended), Doctor Strange could have had a little charisma. I think this is the only movie on this list that made me upset after watching it.

29) Suicide Squad

What is this movie, some kind of Suicide Squad? Maaaan, what a great cast in such a forgettable movie. Here’s the thing though, I liked it more than most people did. I think whatever-her-name-is was a charismatic (though definitely not funny) Harley Quinn. Jared Leto wasn’t super offensive as the Joker, I looked forward to his scenes, but he looked like an idiot, like a twenty year old with temporary tattoos. What is this guy, some kind of Joker?

28) Thor

I can’t remember this movie. It was probably better than Suicide Squad though. Oh yeah, there’s that part where he throws his coffee on the ground and yells “Another!”. Haha, that was pretty funny.

27) Deadpool

Haha, he uses bad words! But it’s a superhero movie! This movie will serve best as the first R-rated movie a 12 year old sees behind his parent’s back. This is the other one I fell asleep during. 

26) Thor: The Dark World

This one’s interesting. I actually like this movie a lot, in theory. Visually, it’s one of my favorite Marvel movies. You could even say that if I made a MCU movie, it would look a lot like this one. Again, in theory, this is cool. It made Loki an anti-hero after the Avengers, which I think is a great choice. Unfortunately, this is a big piece of shit. And it will make you (unjustly) dislike Natalie Portman. 

25) Wonder Woman

Wow, I thought I’d love this movie. I’ve always thought Wonder Woman was a great character. Gal Gadot is almost perfect for the role. But man, what a boring story. Way too much time is spent on an ugly island, and the rest of the movie is a fish-out-of-water Crocodile Dundee rip-off, with Tumblr-friendly British humor. Haha, that English woman’s accent is sooo British! No thank you. A DAMN boring movie! 

24) The Amazing Spider-Man 2

We’re starting to get to superhero movies that I actually sort-of enjoy. This is my second favorite Spider-Man movie, but that’s out of the three ones on this list. I think this movie ruined Jamie Foxx’s career. Spider-Man has never looked better, though. Definitely the best Spidey-suit. I’m a sucker for those huge eyes. I walked out of the movie wanting to see a sequel, to be honest.

23) Ant-Man

I don’t remember this one, but I remember laughing a lot. Doesn’t Ant-Man work at Baskin Robbins or something in this? Oh yeah, and Michael Douglas is in this. I love that guy!

22) Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice

What a STUPID title for a movie. Nothing felt natural here. Did I mention that I hate the title? Here’s the thing, some of the elements of this movie work great. People made fun of the “Martha” twist, but I liked it, as well as Ben Affleck’s portrayal of Batman. But again, nothing was natural about this story. The tone shift is so dramatic from Man of Steel, and yet it’s supposed to be a direct sequel. Henry Cavill’s Superman isn’t memorable. Jesse Eisenberg’s lines were badly written and he never seemed like a real human being. Still, I didn’t hate it.

21) Thor: Ragnarok

Such great ideas here. Pairing Hulk and Thor for a comedy? Wonderful. Jeff Goldblum as a charismatic (gay) planet emperor is my favorite new MCU character. More of him, please! Why so low on this list? Hela sucked, as all Thor villains do. But man, she sucked the worst. The goddess of death? She just looks kind of goth, and never does anything too death-y. I like how the fire monster destroys the Thor world (what’s it called again?), and to the movie’s credit, it doesn’t treat this like an earth-shattering moment. Because let’s be honest, we never gave a fuck about that place.

20) Avengers: Age of Ultron

Ok, yes. This movie has aged pretty badly. But there’s a lot to like! Vision is a graceful, hot, AI legend right out of the gate. Lots of nice seeds are sown here, but it’s too bad that Ultron was a big dumbass who didn’t know how to execute any of his angsty plans. His “age” lasted about a day? Day of Ultron. Still, Tony Stark deserves to be put in prison by now.

19) Guardians of the Galaxy

As far as nailing a tone down, this movie did it best. You can call this movie airtight in its execution. The only negative is that every following Marvel movie felt like it had to be just as funny as this one.

18) Man of Steel

I love me a serious superhero film. I think this movie is best described in pros and cons. Pros: Henry Cavill is the best onscreen Superman yet, Michael Shannon made an otherwise goofy role kind of believable, the special effects are the best I’ve ever seen in a superhero film. Cons: None of this matters, because you’ve just never seen a more boring plot to a film in your life.

17) Batman

There will be no disrespect for the classics here. Every good superhero movie owes it all to Batman. This movie nailed it in every category. Jack Nicholson’s weirdo Joker was all-too-perfect, and the goth-horror scenery was inspired. Best of all, Michael Keaton made the idea of a gay orphan dressing up as a bat pretty relatable.

16) Superman

They haven’t quite gotten it right until 2006, but more on that up the list. This is the best Superman will ever be, because the character really just doesn’t work in the modern day. Christopher Reeve gives a romantic, gosh-golly version of the comic character, and it’s pretty damn good. Also, Marlon Brando’s Jor-El is haunting and gorgeous when he speaks. Another classic.

15) Batman Begins

Blah blah blah, gritty, dark, blah blah blah. Reinvented superhero movies, blah blah blah realistic.

14) Captain America: The First Avenger

This is the heart and soul of the MCU, and one of the most unique out of the series. Still feels important even in the third phase, and has a lot of great messages that I am too lazy to write. Great movie, and Chris Evans as Captain America was the best casting choice since Robert Downey Jr. Nothing but greatness here.

13) Iron Man 2

Do people really think this is the worst of the MCU? Not by a long-shot. But oh my god, Tony Stark is just such a war criminal. And Mickey Rourke is delightful! I love that part where Iron Man empties his bladder into his own Iron Man suit. Did Superman ever do that shit? Fuck Superman!

12) Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

My ass has seen a lot of superhero movies, but I don’t think my ass has smiled more watching one of them. Ummmm, what a fucking great movie? With a fucking great plot? And, like, a great villain for fucking once? A truly lovely film.

11) The Dark Knight Rises

A marxist superhero film? No wonder it’s not the fan favorite. But I love it just the same. The funeral scene at the end is beautifully acted by all involved. Yes, Bruce Wayne died, but it didn’t feel cheap. Catwoman driving the batpod? An icon of cinema. A great ending to a great blah blah blah, not as good as The Dark Blah blah blah.

10) Marvel’s The Avengers

What a moment for a little thirteen year old nerdfuck like me. It leans on the immature side of the MCU, yes. But it’s damn near perfect filmmaking, and by far the most accessible superhero movie to date. Hulk Smash!

9) Iron Man 3

We’re getting into real personal-favorite territory here. Shane Black’s Christmas superhero film is hated by a lot of people, but don’t worry, they’re all just sweaty ugly nerds with untouched genitals who don’t realize that Fu-Manchu proto-Asian wizard stereotypes aren’t exactly the best material for a 2013 film. Man, I adore this movie. It’s a perfect blend of comedy (not too much) and drama (not too much), with an infusion of self awareness that appeals to a cynical guy like me.

8) Superman Returns

This movie really understands Superman. It’s too bad it was overshadowed by Batman Begins, because this movie has a lot to offer. No, it isn’t action-packed, and yes it does star Kevin Spacey (gross) as Lex Luther, but the romanticism and themes of a post-superhero world are rich with wonderful dialogue and the best onscreen Lois Lane yet. Forget the Kryptonite iceberg at the end, Superman’s journey of finding himself is surprisingly great material for a film, delicately directed by Bryan Singer. Wait, is that TWO pedophile boy rapists in one film? Yikes, you know what.......never mind. 

7) Captain America: Civil War

The re-watchability here is astonishing. It’s not even an Avengers film, and it’s still easily the best Avengers film. And yet, it stays its course as a personal story of loyalty and sacrifice for the titular character. It’s totally a Captain America movie. Also, can Tony Stark just get fucking imprisoned already?

6) Iron Man

Easily the “coolest” superhero movie ever made. I can watch terrorists get blown up by lasers all day! A true classic, and still feels just a little more legitimate than all the other MCU films.

5) Spider-Man: Homecoming

A relatable protagonist? A relatable villain? An evil psycopath? (Tony Stark). What’s not to love? It might not have “amazing” in the title like those other fuck-your-mom Spidey movies, but it most certainly is. (Amazing, I mean).

4) The Dark Knight

Blah blah blah joker, blah blah blah Heath Ledger, Christopher Nolan. Blahblahblahblah dark, reinvented the genre, blah blah blah.

3) Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Yes I’ll say it. Here we have the best story in a superhero film to date. And to disguise all the intellectual themes of post-terrorist society, individuality, corruption, the pointlessness of patriotism, and homoeroticism, we have just enough kick-ass action scenes for your average brain-dead male to get a kick out of it too.

2) X-Men: Days of Future Past

I’m a sucker for time travel, and fuck me if this didn’t deliver 100%. This was my first X-Men movie experience, and I still think about it about once every couple of weeks. I don’t even want to write about it because I get embarrassed by my love for this movie.

1) Logan

The world’s changed. All the mutants are dead. Patrick Stewart is a senile fuck. Wolverine’s claws hurt when he tries to bring them out. Jesus Christ, there’s so much here that I can’t believe it’s a real movie. There’s just something about seeing a grizzly Hugh Jackman in a bloody t-shirt that really grinds my gears. It’s tragic, it’s beautiful, it’s expansive, and it feels like the last superhero movie that ever needs to be made.

[comic-movieheroesranked]

Cinematic Comic Characters Ranked! (Year 2008) Final Part

Wow, I just want to say that 2008 really stepped it up when it came to comic movies released. Granted, a couple weren’t the best but overall this year was one of the best out of the bunch. The Dark Knight and Hellboy II: The Golden Army are the only sequels this year, while The Punisher: War Zone and The Incredible Hulk serve as reboots. Star Wars: The Clone Wars serves as a prequel and we also see the debut of Iron Man, Speed Racer, The Spirit and Wanted! Lets start off our largest list yet! Here’s the Top 20 of 2008!

*SPOILERS AHEAD FOR THE MOVIES HIGHLIGHTED ABOVE*

20. Emil Blanksy/Abomination (The Incredible Hulk)

"Give me a REAL fight!"

Like I said in 2007's list in regards to The Stranger in 30 Days of Night, if you want a character to be disliked by me, have them kill a dog. Emil does this right in the beginning as he and his team hunt Bruce down in Brazil so, naturally, my body was filled with glee when the Hulk trashed them all. This is apparently a turn-on for Emil because he gets obsessed with having the power Bruce has. It doesn't take much for him to convince Ross and then, later, Samuel Sterns to eventually help him become Abomination, a freak of immense power. Him and the Hulk enter an epic fight on the battlefield that is New York City that ends up with him getting his ass beat.

19. The Octopus (The Spirit)

"I don't like egg on my face."

The Octopus was such an outrageous character man! And unlike Jigsaw and his wack brother, The Octopus made it work for him! With help with the overall setting of the film, The Octopus showed that even though he's not all there, he's still a major threat to Central City. His thirst for immortality and world domination put him at odds with The Spirit, who also holds a grudge against him for killing him. He pulls all kinds of evil doings, including dissolving an innocent cat, which was the last straw for The Spirit. After he loses the vase of Heracles's blood, The Octoplus then blows up from a grenade shoved in his body.

18. Rachel Dawes (The Dark Knight)

"If you lose your faith in me, please keep your faith in people."

Rachel is still fighting crime in the courtroom but this time with her new boyfriend, Harvey Dent. I expected an obvious love triangle with Bruce to happen, but I don't think that's what we got. I don't think Rachel cared for Bruce like she did in the first film, but because of the promise she made she felt guilty and kept denying her feelings for Harvey to grow. Her fight for justice shows up several times as she takes down crime lords in the court and even face to face with the Joker when he goes after Harvey, but her relationship with Harvey and Bruce is what brings her demise. Her death was shocking but it would be the final tool for Harvey Dent's transformation into Two Face.

17. Ahsoka Tano (Star Wars: The Clone Wars)

"No, I'm the one with enthusiasm."

Ahsoka is a young Jedi in training that's been assigned to work under Anakin Skywalker's teachings. She falls quickly into the little sister role but she shows just as much determination as Anakin when he was a young Jedi, which is why I think he grows to like her. She proves her skill again and again and she even saves Anakin a few times when he's in a tight spot, though he won't admit it. She ends up taking care of Jabba's newborn and returns him safely so the tension between the Hutt's and the Republic can end.

16. Princess Nuala (Hellboy II: The Golden Army)

"I'm afraid it's the other way around."

Princess Nuala definitely has a strong sense on what is right and what is wrong. Even if she dislikes the way her people are living, she knows that attacking the humans with the Golden Army is wrong, and therefore hides the last piece of the crown from her brother after he kills their father. She seeks help from Abe and the two bond over the fact that they both have similar learning powers through their hands. Now. Once we found out that she feels everything Nuada feels, I knew she was going to die. I did not see her taking out herself though. I should've, because she was cool with her dad sentencing them to death but it still really shocked me when she went ahead and knifed herself, taking her destructive brother down with her.

15. James Gordon (The Dark Knight)

"He's a silent guardian. A Dark Knight."

With the Joker wrecking havoc on Gotham City, James Gordon had to step his game up big time. He honestly did the best he could, coming up with a great plan involving him faking his own death so he could capture the Joker that ended up promoting him to Commissioner, but the clown prince of crime was just always three steps ahead. He managed to beat Gordon at his own game several times and ended up giving him a deadly enemy, Two Face. Gordon and Harvey Dent's animosity towards each other come to end when Two Face tries to take out Gordon's family. When Batman saves them, they both agree that Batman must take the fall for Dent's death.

14. Anakin Skywalker (Star Wars: The Clone Wars)

"The desert is merciless. It will take everything from you."

Wow I actually liked Anakin in this movie. I think it was because he wasn't shown as this moody teenager who was just constantly filled with angst the whole damn time and instead showed him as a leader and now teacher of Ahsoka. They didn't focus too much on his relationship with Padme, which also wasn't his strongest point because again, he was just moody as hell even if he was in love. He really grew as an individual and was able to bond with Ahsoka through their travels despite him not liking her in the beginning. We got to see his angst a little bit when they returned to his home planet but I understand, even if I think it's silly, that you can't have a Skywalker on the screen and not have them go through angst.

13. Wesley Gibson (Wanted)

"What the fuck have you done lately?"

So part of me liked Wesley and the  part of me didn't. I liked how he decided he wasn't going to be treated like shit anymore and stood up to all the toxic people in his life. I do like how polite he was and his determination to really be something he could be proud of. And I liked his friendship with the Executioner and his relationship with Fox. I didn't like how he all of a sudden got this superiority complex as soon as he learned a little knife trick. Like he was constantly throwing mad shade at us, the viewers, and it was a little off-putting because no one should be able to talk as much shit as he did when they allow their best friend to bang their girl for years before finally doing something. Also, why did he hate Cross so much? I get he thought Cross killed his father but damn he was hunting him down as if he had known his father his entire life! But I was glad he was able to discover the truth and then use everything he learned to bring down Sloan and the Fraternity once and for all.

12. Harvey Dent/Two Face (The Dark Knight)

"You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain."

Harvey Dent is Gotham's White Knight. He's a lawyer that can't be bought and is determined to bring down every corrupt person in the city, which earns him a lot of enemies. When the opportunity to bring down all the crime lords shows up, he forces his way into Batman and Gordon's plans, causing tensions with the latter. But he ends up biting more than he can chew once the Joker shows up. Not only does he end up burning off half his face, but he loses Rachel as well. Her death is the final straw and Harvey Dent becomes Two Face after having a little chat with the Joker. He seeks out the cops that betrayed him, the crime lords that set it up, and even Gordon, who he blames for Rachel's death. His thirst for revenge gets him in a confrontation with Batman, ending with his death. Instead of revealing what actually happened, Gordon and Batman agree to keep Dent's White Knight reputation.

11. Abe Sapien (Hellboy II: The Golden Army)

"Despite the appearances, I bet Red will make an excellent father figure."

Abe is the most supportive friend a hellspawn can ask for. I mean, he works well with everyone. He helps support Liz after discovering she's pregnant and he even gets along well with Tom Manning. He ends up developing the biggest teenage-boy crush on Princess Nuala and starts wearing contacts, listening to love songs, and even gets drunk with Hellboy as they bond over their women. It was slightly annoying when he gave the last piece to Prince Nuada for Nuala's safety, but he was right when he pointed out Hellboy would do the same for Liz. Nuala's death definitely took a toll on him which is one of the reasons why I think he ended up quitting with the team.

10. Sand Saref (The Spirit)

"Do I look like a good girl?"

A femme fatale, Sand used to be Denny's young love as they grew up in Central City. She dreamed of diamonds, cars, and loved reading stories of Jason's Golden Fleece. When her uncle dies, she decides to break up with cop-loving Denny, and finally go after everything she wants in life. Now known for marrying rich and then killing her husbands, keeping all the money for herself. With everything she's asked for, she goes after the Golden Fleece, which brings her back to Central City. When her Fleece get's switched with Octopus's vase of blood, she becomes a major player in the war between him and the Spirit, who she learns is Denny back from the dead. Their feelings come back when he learns she still had the necklace he gave her but they aren't acted on until the final fight. With her hands on the Golden Fleece, Sand uses it's impenetrable coat to protect The Spirit and then the tow proceed to make out in front of everyone, including his current girlfriend. They break ways though, Sand choosing her diamonds and The Spirit choosing the city's protection.

9. Prince Nuada Silverlance (Hellboy II: The Golden Army)

"Let this remind you why you once feared the dark."

So I don't feel like Prince Nuada was a bad guy, he really thought he was bringing justice to his people by defeating the humans who raged war on them for years. He has a respect for nature and cares deeply about his kingdom, which is why he couldn't deal with how they were living under his father's rule while the humans destroyed all the green from their planet. So he did what he had to do to gain control of the crown pieces but then became at odds with Hellboy and his team. They end up fighting a lot, Nuada is crazy talented with the spear, but Nuada always got away because Hellboy couldn't hurt him without hurting Princess Nuala, Abe's crush. It isn't until Nuada has complete control of the Golden Army that he's defeated by Hellboy, but even then he won't stop his mission until Nuala kills herself, killing him as well.

8. Pepper Potts (Iron Man)

"I do anything and everything Mr. Stark requires. Including occasionally taking out the trash."

If there's one person who can put Tony Stark in his place, it's Pepper. In fact, I'm pretty sure Pepper can put anyone in their place, proof being when she handles the disrespectful reporter, Christine. She's Stark's personal assistant and handles literally everything in his life, since the millionaire genius is pretty much incapable of doing anything besides creating amazing technology (he really should know his social security number). It's Pepper who discovers that Obadiah was the one trying to kill him and it's Pepper who helps Iron Man take him down. There isn't a resolution to the chemistry between Pepper and Tony, but since she's still his assistant, there's still hope.

7. Denny Colt/The Spirit (The Spirit)

"She is my lover, and I am her Spirit."

I get why literally every girl in this movie fell for the Spirit, he's extremely charismatic. How he learned to do that after rising from the dead, I don't know, but it's a skill he mastered and it's got him out of several tough spots as he tries to protect the city (granted it's gotten him in tougher spots too). He has a hilarious rivalry with The Octopus which puts him in even more hilarious situations like fighting in the mud with toilets, jumping off buildings with his pants off, and fighting goons holding gun with nothing but snowballs. Despite all of this, he manages to save his city, kiss the girl (ends up with another girl), and finally takes The Octopus down with a grenade.

6. Hellboy (Hellboy II: The Golden Army)

"I'm not gonna kill him, Abe. But I am gonna kick his ass!"

Our favorite petty hellspawn is back! Nothing much has changed since we lost saw Hellboy. He's still in love with Liz and his kittens, still desperately wants to fit in with society, and still has a nasty temper. Despite all their arguing, Hellboy and Liz still find a way to make it work, especially now that Liz is pregnant with his babies. His relationship with Abe also expands, Hellboy taking on a big brother role as he helps Abe deal with his feelings with Princess Nuala, and by 'deal' I mean they get drunk and listen to sad love songs. Despite the annoyance of Krauss being added to the team, Hellboy manages to lead everyone against Prince Nuada and his powerful Golden Army. When he takes them all done, him and Liz quit the department and walk off to start their new family.

5. Bruce Banner/Hulk (The Incredible Hulk)

"HULK SMASH!"

The Hulk is the first superhero that's gotten a reboot in my list's history. Even though the film is technically a sequel, lots of things were rebooted and, in my opinion, for the better. Not only do we get to see the Hulk in his destructive glory but I feel like we were finally able to connect to Bruce as a human. He's someone with a problem that has the potential to cause serious harm for anyone near him so he isolates himself from everyone he cares about and tries to find a way to get rid of away. Of course he can't stay hidden too long and ends up reuniting with Betty, but with the army trying to selfishly use his contaminated blood as a weapon of their own, the journey just gets harder and harder for Bruce. In the end, when he's fighting Abomination on the streets of New York, Bruce nearly kills him as the Hulk but with the help off Betty he's able to manage his rage, if only briefly, and runs off to British Colombia. There we see him last, his glowing eyes hinting at his newfound control over the Hulk.

4. Fox (Wanted)

"We kill one and maybe save a thousand."

If anyone believes in the code and in the Fraternity of Assassins, it's Fox. This is someone who was actually a victim of what happens when an assassin doesn't kill their target. It's probably why she joins, herself, and quickly becomes one of the best they have. She's badass in every way, shape, and form. From curving bullets, driving in crazy speed chases, and climbing the side of a train as it gets ready to fall over a rocky cliff, she's someone who's capable of anything. When she finds out her name, along with everyone in the Fraternity's names, show up she disobeys Sloan and honors the code it the most epic way. With one final curve of her bullet, she manages to take down everyone in the room, including herself.

3. Bruce Wayne/Batman (The Dark Knight)

"Because sometimes the truth isn't good enough. Sometimes, people deserve more."

The Dark Knight is back and the streets of Gotham couldn't be any more safe, but it's not just him that c an take the credit. Gotham has a hero with a face taking down these crime lords and his name is Harvey Dent. This man gives Bruce hope that maybe he can step away from the suit and live a normal life with Rachel after all, but all that comes crashing down once the Joker steps to the plate. Bruce made a mistake in underestimating Joker, thinking of him as a common criminal, which ends up costing him the lives of several people including Rachel. Bruce has to really think outside the box when it comes to stopping him and when he finally does, he ends up with another threat in the form of Two Face. When Harvey Dent regrettably dies, Bruce understands that the general public will go into chaos if they find out about his corruption and so he decides to take the blame entirely, saving Harvey's reputation along with Gotham City's safety.

2. Tony Stark/Iron Man (Iron Man)

"The truth is...I am Iron Man."

The genius owner of a millionaire dollar business. Tony Stark is one of the most brilliant men the world has to offer, and he puts his brains into making weapons for the military to help keep the peace. It isn't until after he's kidnapped by terrorist with his own weapon technology that he realizes his mistakes. He turns a new leaf and decides to create a hero of sorts to help protect people from those who wish to harm them: Iron Man! Tony Stark's charisma and humor throughout the film was so fun to watch and his journey to becoming a hero was even better to see happen. At the end he does what no hero has done before, he reveals he's indeed Iron Man, not wanting to hide away from his responsibilities.

1. The Joker (The Dark Knight)

"Why so serious?"

Is anyone surprised? 2008 had the most bad ass characters by far with returning champions Batman, Hellboy, and Angelina Jolie (even though she won as Tomb Raider instead of Fox) and the debut of Iron Man. There's only one person who could steal the throne from them at that was Heath Ledger's Joker. The Joker ruled every scene he was in and was, in every sense of the word, a madman. From his multiple backstories on how he got his scars to his nurse outfits, Joker installed fear and uncertainty in everyone that crossed his path. An agent of chaos, Joker quickly flipped Gotham upside down and had the entire city scrambling to figure him out and put a stop to him. And even though he does eventually get stopped because Batman does have more strength in the end, no one figures him out. He's a puzzle piece that remains unsolved because every time you try he finds a way to create the biggest, most chaotic storm in your life. It's his wild plans that aids in the creation of Two Face, after all. The Joker is one of the greatest enemies Batman has ever faced and his reign as one of the greatest villains of all time in film is still evident almost ten years later.

[hermanwatts]

Sensor Sweep: Beast Master, Time Travel, Grey Hawk

Fiction (Easily Distracted): Year’s Best Horror Stories 1976

The Year’s Best Horror Stories: Series IV Edited by Gerald W. Page (1976 DAW)

Lifeguard by Arthur Byron Cover:A sharp diamond of a story told in the first-person and saying what needs to be said about youth’s expiring ambitions, the narrow horizon of small town life, summertime, pot, and an uncanny will-o-the-wisp.

Anime (Walker’s Retreat): Where have I seen this before? Oh, only with the Star Wars, Star Trek, Doctor Who, Marvel, DC, Biohazard/Resident Evil, The Last of Us, and so many other Western corporate properties. There are two key differences between what’s going on with anime and what’s going on with Western entertainment. The first is that the Death Cult doesn’t run Japan’s culture industry, not the way it is in the West. The second is that the entertainment corporations don’t outright hate their customers. So, instead of esoteric Molech worship we have the (by comparison) easier problem of a Brand Fan problem.

Comic Books (Dark Worlds Quarterly): 1975 was the new Golden Age of dinosaur comics with Joe Kubert leading the pack. By some strange coincidence all the dinosaur/jungle guys had names that started with a T (Tarzan, Turok, Tragg) or a K (Korg and Kong). So Tragg and the Sky-Gods, Korg 70,000 BC and Kong the Untamed made their dino comic cover debuts. Skull the Slayer had dinos but not for long. It got weirder with more UFO stuff. Valley of the Dinosaurs was based on a Hanna-Barbera cartoon and like The Land of the Lost (1974-1976) (which didn’t have a comic) was Saturday Morning pandering to the dino lovers.

D&D (Tao DND): The Higher Path of D&D, the one beyond merely killing things and taking away their treasure, is the human experience of pitting Self against that which we do not think should be.  Not my self.  The Player’s Self.  The players are entitled to fight for those causes they want to fight for.  I won’t tell them how to do that; I won’t shame them into fighting for causes I think are right and noble; I won’t clear the road for them.  I won’t judge them for their choices.  I won’t encourage them to believe what I believe and I won’t punish them when they don’t.

Fiction (DMR Books): When you think of literary thieves, who do you think of? Maurice Le Blanc’s sly gentleman thief Arsene Lupin? Richard Stark’s harden, professional Parker? Yet, aside from the crime genre, thievery as an occupation appears most often in sword and sorcery. Thieves as protagonists have a long history in sword and sorcery. This trope probably began in mythology and legend. Prometheus stole fire from the gods. Robin Hood stole from the rich and gave to the poor. In High Fantasy, Bilbo Baggins was recruited to burgle a dragon. So let’s look at their fictional heritage.

Writing (John C. Wright): For every C.S. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien, Cordwainer Smith, Gene Wolfe, Walter M. Miller, or Orson Scott Card writing from a Christian perspective, one can list ten men of heathen or secular perspective lauded with the greatest fame our genre can bestow. Instead of Gene Roddenberry making stories to say men cannot be free in utopia or George Lucas saying men must fight their dark side, we now have Kathleen Kennedy and Rian Johnson making stories to say free men are toxic, and that the fight is pointless, for the light offers no more answers than the darkness.

Interview (Superversive SF): Today, we have a treat! An interview with Brian Niemeier, author of Don’t Give Money to People Who Hate You in which he talks about how he came to write this surprise breakout book. 1. How did you come to write this book?

I almost didn’t. My dispositions have always run toward writing fiction, so I initially resisted tackling nonfiction. It was only when several friends, family members, and readers urged me to collect my thoughts on the culture war in a book that I relented.

Pulp Magazines (Don Herron): In Chapter 2 of the 1943 serial Batman — “The Bat’s Cave” — Bruce Wayne’s butler Alfred wiles away the time reading the October 1940 issue of Spicy Detective. The “spicy” element should be obvious from the cover art—and from the prim Alfred’s startled expression. The content of the stories lived up to the lascivious suggestion of the cover. But only just.

Horror (Too Much Horror Fiction): When it comes to pulp horror fiction, I don’t think there’s any doubt that “Slime” is one of the perfect gems of the style. Originally published in a 1953 issue of the venerated magazine “Weird Tales,” Joseph Payne Brennan’s 30-odd page tale is rife with all the weaknesses and all the glories of pulp horror in full flower. Brennan overuses words and phrases (“hood of horror” and “black mantle”), utilizes some weak analogies (alien as… some wild planet in a distant galaxy), and his country dialogue makes “Hee-Haw” sound like Olivier reciting the Bard.

Westerns (Western Fiction Review): This time, the author behind the pseudonym of Tabor Evans is James Reasoner and he provides us with a cracking tale. The action comes thick and fast as Longarm searches for the long missing army payroll. From the word go someone is out to stop Longarm getting to Sweetwater Canyon but he battles through. Once there Longarm finds himself in a range war and the canyon is part of the land being fought for.

Cinema (New Iron Age Blogspot): Released in 1982, this movie was a complete flop and only became well-known, and something of a cult classic, when it became ubiquitous on cable throughout the 80s. To kids of my generation, this was one of their early experiences with Sword & Sorcery, and maybe the very first. It established in a lot of kid’s minds what the genre was supposed to be, and it still inspires a lot of affection to this day.

D&D (Dungeon Fantastic): What I like about the systems I’d consider: AD&D – Power level. I like the HP levels. I have a strong dislike for d4 HP thieves and I like d10 fighters better than d8 fighters. – Cleric spells. I like clerics getting spells at level 1, and bonuses for Wisdom are fine with me. I get why from a world-building standpoint the vast majority of clerics being level 1 and not getting spells makes PCs quickly become special . . . but I’d rather have them start with a spell. – I like AC starting at 10, not 9 (but see below.)

Hugos (Emperor Ponders): Some particular trends in genre literature have become obvious during the past few years. One of them is the use of Brobdingnagian titles, a compulsion to write paragraph-long titles, some of whom even give away the plot. I suspect this may have started as a quirky, ironic thing to do, but I don’t think it’s funny unless you are lampooning or referencing some stuffy style like academic papers or writing comedy. And, to be fair, that’s to some extent what this story is doing—referencing, not the comedy.

Anthology (Science fiction fantasy blogspot): Beyond Time: Classic Tales of Time Unwound, edited by Mike Ashley This is one of a number of anthologies in the Science Fiction Classics series published by the British Library, this one (as you may have guessed) dealing with time travel. As usual in this series, there is a long introduction by the editor, supplemented by biographical notes on the authors at the start of each story.

RPG (Grey Hawk Grognard): The thing to remember first in a Greyhawk-setting mass combat is that the AD&D rules are geared towards small, skirmish-level actions. In other words, melee with a small party of adventurers and a relatively small group of enemies and/or monsters. This scale is reflected in the spells, such as animate dead (there’s really no way to have a literal army of skeletons unless you have hundreds of 5th level clerics or 9th level magic-users) and even mass invisibility requires a 14th level magic-user, and such are exceedingly rare in the World of Greyhawk.

History (Didact’s Reach): Legends were forged on that day, such as that of “The Boys of Pointe du Hoc”. Heroes fought to the bitter end, on both sides. Germans opened the gates of Hell itself upon the Allied infantrymen wading ashore through the pounding surf of Omaha Beach, raining shot and shell down on them. Americans and Canadians and British and New Zealanders and many others bayoneted, grenaded, shot, clubbed, and mauled their German opponents to their gruesome deaths.

Pulp Fiction (Rough Edges): Of the many, many series written for the pulps by H. Bedford-Jones, his longest-running featured a fat little Cockney named John Solomon, which ran from 1914 to 1936 and encompassed more than twenty novels and novellas. John Solomon may not seem very impressive at first glance, but he actually runs a far-flung intelligence network and makes a specialty of thwarting all sorts of criminal and espionage schemes around the world. I’ve been aware of this series for years but hadn’t read any of them until recently, when I started at the most logical place, the novel THE GATE OF FAREWELL, which was published originally as a serial in ARGOSY in 1914 and is Solomon’s first appearance.

Sensor Sweep: Beast Master, Time Travel, Grey Hawk published first on https://sixchexus.weebly.com/