#I still have her under my bed
Text
girlhood
#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day#like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year.#when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍#not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again#and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :)#like everything i do is informed by her#I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her#and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢#and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again#“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her#growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain#and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when#people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it#but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up-#when people mention it 😍#last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her)#and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook”#and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one#and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?”#im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her#lol!!!!!!!!!
34 notes
·
View notes
Text
on losing a mother
#s.txt#s.poem#mom tag#poetry#okay to reblog#it's officially been over a year since the last time i saw my mom.#her skin was translucent paper thin and she looked so fragile in tht hospital bed but she was supposed to be getting better#and she did. for about a month.#she went back into the hospital 3 days after my birthday.#she stayed there for like 2 weeks and then died about a week after she checked herself out.#the last time she ever texted me was on my birthday. i waited two days to text back. and i never heard back from her.#the next time i saw her she was a pile of grey ashes in a plastic urn. she sits on my shelf now. i haven't gotten her a new urn yet.#i try not to feel guilty. there wasn't much i could do from a thousand miles away#but i still feel the guilt every day itching under my skin and screaming at me in my mind that i should have done better#that i should have been there for her#her phone number has since been given to someone else. i deactivated her facebook account. i cleaned out her apartment & threw away almost#all of her belongings.#i took photo albums. i took some jewelry - including the ring she wore as she was cremated. it survived the fire. the funeral home put it#in the urn with her ashes. i wear it sometimes just to feel like there's still a part of her with me.#but she's gone and i don't believe in an afterlife and neither did she#there's some comfort in knowing she is no longer in pain that she is no longer suffering#but i still sit here and i think of all the things i never got to tell her and the new things i want to tell her every single day#i never got to come out to her. not really. i never got to tell her that i understood what she went thru with my dad because i lived it too#anyways. sorry for going off in the tags. i'm okay i promise. just feeling a lot of feelings right now.
33 notes
·
View notes
Text
its so funny recognizing yourself in your parents and by funny i mean im going to be sick
#i hate my mother. i love my mother. i will always be her child. i will always be a stranger. i hate my mother. i love my mother.#like same woman who points a gun at me on the regular and mocked and laminated my suicide note when i was a kid to pass out at a family bbq#and the same reason i have such bad body image issues and chemical scars and burns.#but also. thats my mother. its the same woman who married a stranger because her two kids were homeless under a bridge after#my bio dad stole her car. its the same woman who held my hair back when i was sick as a child. who made cookies when i was depressed.#its the same woman who i had to talk down because she wanted to kill herself before she hit me and called me weak.#i miss my mother. i dont know if i ever had a mother. i love her. i need to move and never be around her.#its so difficult when you KNOW she has mental illness that runs in the family too. i know what impacts her behavior and how alike we are.#i know its not an excuse for the consistent abuse she still puts me through. i know this. i know i shouldn't feel guilty for my feelings.#i dont know what my feelings are.#i hate my mother to the point ive tried to kill myself to not be around her. i love her more than anyone else.#when your mother is a prophecy of all you might be as youre a reflection of all she could have been *family guy death pose.jpeg*#anyways. sorry for the rant heehee i am normal and going to bed before i craw out my skin and into some yellow wallpaper ^_^
23 notes
·
View notes
Text
i wonder what it's like to get enough sleep
living life with 9 kittens in my house has made me forget
#i'm fuckin done#i love cats and kittens are adorable#but even when i close my bedroom door it doesn't help because the kittens that are mobile run into my bedroom door#trying to give themselves brain damage#and the kittens that are still too small to move much were literally born under my bed#so i gotta make sure the mom can get to them so i have to let her into my room if i close the door#and then she's still basically a kitten herself#so she plays under my bed if she gets bored#i'm so tired it hurts
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
#bonus under the cut getting that snout facing right at the camera#camerupt#early 2000s animation cow‚ apparently. that's what someone just said about the bonus image. i honestly never understood this thing's name#i always thought it was pretty obviously a cow. but then its name implies camel. camel erupt. camerupt. is there a specific kind of#camel that just looks like a cow?? or. what. or am i just misremembering what camels look like#either way‚ i still think this pokémon is pretty cool‚ but i don't really use it ever in my own playthroughs. i don't think i *ever* have#not even in pokémon colosseum where i'm pretty sure you can get a shadow numel at some point. bc i already had a fire-type#not sure which one it was but it was definitely one of them. maybe cyndaquil? because of the dudes with the johto starters#that you fight near the beginning in pppp uuuhhh the PHENAC city i couldn't remember the name. for a second there.#i wasn't aware as a kid that their outfits corresponded to the type of the starter they had and also that you could only fight one of them#i think as a kid i was under the impression that there was only the one. for some reason i remember fighting the green one#oh wait they have the second-evos yeah. cuz he had bayleef. and the red one would've had quilava. not cyndaquil#ugh my memory is not very good evidently. i'm writing these tags after work. normally i do them right when i wake up but this time i just#do not have an excuse for not being able to remember shit. this is just on me. maybe it's amplified by the fact that i have yet to eat today#which i have a very bad habit of doing. forgetting to eat all day and not eating until like 5 and then that being my only meal for the day#i'm trynna get better about it but it is Not easy for some reason. for something that should be decidedly very simple#but my brain doesn't often let me eat until i've completed all of my silly little Tasks. so. idk. this will however post the day after i've#arrived back home from my trip which is nice. the first time future me will be sleeping in her own bed again. good luck again future me#you might need it
41 notes
·
View notes
Text
Roxie purring :)
#please don't mind the obnoxiously loud humidifier#this silly creature was half a pound and super six at 6 weeks old when i took her from the barn to a vet (the farrier scooped her off the#road)#and she is now a petite 6-7 pound gremlin who makes my heart full to bursting when she graces me with her attention#she IS a gremlin with unfortunate hand/ankle chasing issues but she also really loves lap time & shared naps#i felt so bad yesterday getting up after a short nap where she'd been sleeping on me and i was moving slow as i got up so she'd have time to#move and she just stayed on my legs like on a rolling log as i turned over from prone to supine like...Mother...you are resting further are#you not? I may lounge still longer upon thy bony shins? I crave the solid foundation under the soft bedding. Mother?#no. I'm sorry lunch break was over 10 minutes ago and i have to get back to doing nothing at work#(it was a slow day yesterday)#cat
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
adding to the sickfic:
somewhere between Benson getting the groceries inside and trying to come up with a plan of what the hell to do with his sick as a dog coworker curled up on his bed, in his room, in his childhood home-
he hears a cheery little tune from down the hall. A cellphone, the boy's cellphone. Crap.
Benson sprints the short distance and gingerly fishes the cellphone out of Randy's pocket. The boy only dignifies the noise and gentle manhandling with a pained groan.
Flipping the phone open, the display is lit up with an incoming call from "Mom". Of course. It's been a while since closing time. Her son would've been home by now. She's probably worried. Without much contemplating, Benson puts on his finest Charismatic (and hopefully trustworthy) Human Being persona and presses the little green button to answer the call.
Before he can get a word in, his ear is assaulted by a shrieking voice.
"RANDY? RANDY THANK GOD! I'M SO WORRIED! WHERE ARE YOU? YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN HOME 10 MINUTES AGO! DID SOMETHING HAPPEN? WHAT'S GOING ON? DO YOU NEED HELP? DO I NEED TO COME GET YOU? RANDY?"
Huh. So the boy's his boy's name is actually Randy. His last name must be Bradley, then. And his mom seems to be just a bit overbearing and overprotective. Grade A helicopter parent.
Benson clears his throat, sorting his thoughts. How does he explain just why Randy didn't make it home, why Benson's the one answering Randy's phone, why it's actually fine that Randy's with him. All without raising any red flags in poor Mrs. Bradley's mind...?
#help this has been marinating in my brain all day at work lol#like randy's mom calling and benson having to somehow manoeuver through said call without alarming mrs. bradley lol#still not 100% sure if benson should lie and tell her he's a work buddy and randy's just hanging out for the weekend#or if benson should tell the truth. that randy's feeling under the weather and he took him home until he feels better#hmmmmm the latter would probably alarm randy's mom too much. she'd probably demand to know benson's address to pick up her poor baby#get randy back home into his own bed and nurse him back to health by herself#i want benson to be the one to do it thooooo#but it's also kinda sus for a supposed work buddy to turn up out of the blue and for randy to hang out with him without telling his mom#like even she likely knows her baby's not the most social and outgoing. and he probably never talks much about work beyond#yeah it was okay. the usual. before slinking off to his room. trying to avoid his mom#aughhhh feeling kinda stuck lol#anyway here's a bit more <3#ranson#stockroom syndrome#the passenger 2023#robin's writing adventures
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
i hate that i've been complaining about everything in my life lately but if you're a frequent reader of my personal posts (side note, if you are: why. also i'm sorry) but if you remember earlier this week on tuesday i slipped outside and hurt my knee. i didn't end up seeing a doctor about that bc they literally had no openings when i talked to the secretary she was like i am so sorry sweetie. we can't take you for the rest of the week and i was like oh. and after a couple days it didn't hurt sooooo much although i think the limp ive been walking w has not been doing me any favors. but now today especially (? for some reason) BOTH of my legs were really hurting. i'm wondering if that might somehow be related to me getting my period today bc sometimes. you know how period pain can just end up wherever it wants. but then around 8 o'clock today i stubbed the SHIT out of one of my toes and i think i might have injured it (? i dont think it's broken but i cant stand on it and it's been hours). this is my left foot and the knee i hurt on tuesday was on my right leg. i am literally limping on both sides of my body now and i cant stand or walk.
#shout out to me being irritable with my family. sowwyyyyyy#EVERYTHING HURTS WHEN I TRY TO MOVE FROM PLACE TO PLACE#i dont know if i can handle seeing people tomorrow and it's Literally Christmas#i told kaily i wanted her to carry me to my bed earlier like im a little kid who fell asleep in the car and she said no :(#sisters are USELESS#tales from diana#menstruation cw#injury cw#maybe i shouldve gone to urgent care or the er about my knee earlier this week#i was starting to think i didnt seriously injure it but now im having doubts? or maybe i walked on it too much yesterday#i really was doing WAY too much walking yesterday but i kinda couldnt help it#my adhd body Wants To Move all the time even when i know i should be taking it easy#thats always been a problem w me whenever ive needed to limit my exertion. i just want to wander and fidget#i have a hard time staying still it makes me feel insanely unhappy#theres no better way to describe it#but i cant. move. now. sooooo#i dont know if i mightve broken my toe or not but its kinda swollen#how common is it to break a toe really? theyve got. theyve got a lot of little tiny bones#i dont know id think its more common to break a toe if you crushed it under something#i stubbed it. REALLY hard. like harder than even a normal really bad toe-stubbing.#i dont know. i dont know. i dont know.#can i have a wheelchair for christmas just for like a week at least#and get someone to carry me up and down the stairs?
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
you can't take a picture of this - it's already gone.
one year since i moved out of my mom's house to live on my own. all this clutter and stuff came to the apartment w me but still, i am unable to really call it home. before i even lived there we lived in a different house which i was then longing to return to post-divorce so i know change is inevitable and it's all just part of how life goes but still it's like. will home ever stop feeling like a place and time you only keep growing more distant from every day. idk
#mine#my old bedroom pictures w bonus photo of our living room. i still go there hell im going there tonight we will watch tv as usual#the living room still looks p much exactly the same as it does in that photo w a sofa for each coasters ready fr tea & tv slightly tilted.#and in the room that once was mine i still have a bed to sleep in. but they're not my sheets and there's no personal clutter in sight.#mom got these grey oak cabinets that hold spare blankets and toilet paper. it's her laundry room where she hangs laundry to dry.#the orange wall w my mural is still there. i remember how the sunlight would sometimes hit that wall and reflect back deliciously bright.#she's looking forward to painting it a soothing green maybe later this spring or summer. it's gonna be the final step of redecorating.#im still welcome to stay over but it's not my house anymore. im expected to leave fr an address that doesnt really feel like mine either.#idk ive been feeling like. a tree collecting rings but not being entirely sure the core is still under there yknow. and i wanna go back.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
me: time for a nice relaxing bubble bath on the bank holiday weekend! 😌
mid relaxing, i hear the unmistakable sounds of heavy breathing. im like "what the fuck is that" so i lift my head and look over the side of the bath and this is what greets me
she's just sitting there. watching me. can i help you, or
#there are NO boundaries in this house#still at least she doesnt try and get IN the bath with me (unlike my first cat rosie (rip) who. as a kitten. made the fatal mistake of tryi#to jump up on the side of the bath. missed. and fell in.#never have i laughed so hard or seen a cat SO angry#we couldnt even dry her off cos she hid under the bed shivering and sulking until she felt she had regained some dignity
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
😶
#random personal stuff#it's been a good visit#but I think I am ready to go back#there's a lot to process and my poor therapist is going to have her work cut out for her#going home is great but somehow it sends one back into child mode#(and I think I'm not thought of as particularly grown-up despite everything because I haven't done the 2 Real Grown-Up Things)#and I don't like being back there because it feels like nothing has changed#progress is So Slow am I even making any#I've been told to tell myself 'It's okay to be me'#but here I am with YJ volumes stashed under the bed like contraband and still speaking to my sister in hushed tones in public#and afraid to tell my mom what I'm afraid will happen by the next time I see her#I enjoy being here but to stay out of survival mode I have to go back to my own place
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
once again trying to decide if i should show counselor/therapist my selfship art bc she asks to see any art I've made that i want to show her each session fjfkdl ,,,, i probably won't because I'm still terrified of being judged for it but mannnnn that rly has been almost all I've made these past two months ( ╥ω╥ )
#urgggfhhh idk if ppl will judge plus shes a counselor so she's not supposed to judge#but like. u know ? ppl still do fnfkld and i am hypervigilant to any changes in behaviour or body language#so if she acts even a little different in a way i interpret as negative after showing her...#well i think I'd simply have to crawl under my bed and get stuck for a while. for the second time in three years. SBHDJDL#(i thought it'd be safe feeling under there a couple yrs ago bc i used to hide there frequently as a kid. i got stuck. u know how it is.)#(very silly behaviour on my part but I am also a person who has climbed on top of my fridge just to see if i could do it)#(sometimes i just want to see if i can fit into spaces DBJFDKL i also hid in my school locker several times in highschool 😭)#ANYWAYS. turning off oversharing mode dhfjdl#i am just. HMMMM. she wouldnt even necessarily know that my s/i is me. but ... i think it looks too much like me to deny dhfkdkl#OUGH. I'll go to sleep now and then i will have a couple hours in the morning to decide !#i think i probably will not show her but ... maybe that'd be a fun brave choice for me to make in a safe(ish) environment 🤔#SORRY FOR RAMBLING BTW. im weirdly talkative tonight and the one friend i talk to consistently has fallen asleep sbdhfkdl#dandy.cmd
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ok triple vaccine is kicking my ass. Now. I am.now grateful that I scheduled it with a day off after
#speculation nation#negative/#i will be real this is genuinely one of the worst pains of my life#but to.make matters worse. my period started :/ so im dealing with first day cramps of Those#i got only 4 hours of sleep bc despite taking a melatonin i just Could Not Fall Asleep#my feet and legs were so very cold that even 45 minutes under a hot pad still hadnt warmed them#it took hours before i felt like i could remove it. idk how long exactly id finally fallen asleep#but june wouldnt stop crying until eventually she came up to bed#and poor sweet girl did her normal thing of climbing on me. which is usually fine.#but she stepped on my arm and. hhhhhholy shit lmfao That had to be one of the worst pains of my life.#like a 7 or maybe even an 8. right now doijg nothing id say its a 5#i need to take ibuprofen but i need to get some food in me first#which. oh yeah. i got out of bed to try to eat a bit so i could take some ibuprofen. ended up lightheaded as fuck#had to sit down several times. until at one point i got hit with a spell so bad i was Convinced i was gonna throw up#sat beside the toilet with a cold sweat as i waited for the nausea to subside.#i was gonna have corn dogs for a small meal. they r in the microwave even. but rn i am.just gingerly sipping on an Ensure#with a plastic bag beside me lol. just in case. bc i dont fuck with nausea risks man i am.not puking on my floor.#eurgh why did my.body decide to make things worse for me.... this Sucks#emetophobia/
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
i am in fucking agony oh my god
#my backs been playing up since christmas#but the last three hours it just hurts so much#painkillers haven’t been working#i was like absolutely sobbing trying to get off the couch#and in the end my dad had to grab me under the arms and pull me up just so i could stand#and mum had to help me into bed#and if i need to get up i’m gonna have to call her because i literally can’t move#and now i’m lying flat on my stomach#but it’s still aching#and i can’t move
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
man smth about escaping reality through day dreaming about fantasies that you cling onto just to get you through the day and then becoming thoroughly more disconnected to real life until it feels like the only thing that can bring you back is your fantasy becoming a reality always gets me idk
#writes this on a notepad under 'what to talk to my therapist about next session'#agh#like secret life of walter mitty newsies santa fe crazy ex gf les mis on my own rose from gypsy once upon a december anastasia etc etc#first two 100% i sob @ them every time#QUIET AND WHEN I GROW UP FROM MATILDA THE MUSICAL#THOSE TOO#and then the tragedy of getting the thing u so desperately wanted and needed for years only to realize that youre still unhappy. that the pr#problem is with YOU. and the repeating cycle of then disconnecting entirely from *that* reality to chase another fantasy that wont make you#any happier#'when i grow up i will be strong enough to fight the creatures that you have to fight beneath the bed each night to be a grown up'#-miss honey in her 20s who is suffering from severe trauma and unable to escape said traum and stuck in a cycle of unhealthy repetition due#to the trauma#she was also singing this after a bunch of children who were unhappy with were they were in life and with the way they were treated sang thi#this. the entirety of the song they sing about how much they want to be grown up and how life will be better once they are and then it cuts#to this woman who has been 'grown up' for years now and who is wishing for the same thing they are. she herself sings the lines 'when i grow#up i will be brave enough to fight the creatures' etc etc#this was all over the place its 4 innthe morning im so tired just. agh.#it will never not make me cry.#rambles
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
my favorite thing of having my own apartment is there IS a big painting of my dog above the fireplace in the living room
#pidge speaks#hello im still alive#kinda#im still in a Weird Brain Space but hgjdskhgj#anyway i love my dog and after living in a place for almost a year w someone who treated me AND my dog like interlopers#its nice to have a place that is safe for me and miss sookie-lou#she has THREE cozy beds in the living room#one of them is shaped like a crown#one is just a pillow of mine that she claimed and the other is a comfy blanket under my desk#sometimes she very politely requests i put her on the armchair in the corner#this is sookie's apartment i just live here and pay the rent for her
7 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
try-to-be-happy-97
Jesse Pinkman.
mikebarbre
GoingSocial
sesh-goth
green witch
biancanazari
bianca nazari
best-baker-of-the-heartslabyul
Doodle Suit