#I still miss our friendship
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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guys my bestest best friend of all time is moving away at the end of this month and it just properly hit me how much im gonna miss her 🙁
#signed cynthia ♡#WHAT DO YOU MEANNNNN I HAVE TO GO TO CLASS WITHOUT HER?????#crazy world we live in#luckily we text all the time so our friendship wont be affected that much#and she'll probs be back every summer and maybe winter since her family still lives here#but im gonna miss her so bad i might throw up#☹️
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I told you that when I love someone, I love them for who they are, not the role they play in my life.
You told me that, like me, when romance ends with someone, you still want them in your world.
We agreed to be fixtures in each other's lives. We promised that if nothing else, we would always be friends. You swore you would never just up and leave my life.
But that's exactly what you did.
#i miss you#i love you#i'm sorry#broken promise#i still want you in my life#where did our friendship go#why did you do this#grief#loss#why#we pinky promised
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I finished act 2 again, but properly this time. and I cannot even begin to put into words how satisfying and beautiful all of that was. I loved act 2 the first time I played, but figuring out how to save the last light this time, properly completing halsin's quest, storming moonrise towers with jaheira and her harpers, seeing aylin reunite with isobel...all of it. I love it even more. and the beginning of act 3 feels all the more rewarding, having fixed my past errors.
#bg3#bg3 spoilers#thoughts about media#that was. incredible. I can't believe I missed so much the first time I played.#but at least having messed up the first time gives me a greater appreciation for the full story.#I did the “lift the shadowcurse” quest SO assbackwards last time I missed like. 90% of halsin's act 2 dialogue.#he IS cute. I am just STUPID. and learned nothing from dunking on gale before- when that was ALSO my own colossal mistake.#jaheira also gets such a badass moment of glory if her harpers as still alive. if you lose last light like I did before...#...god the assault on moonrise feels so...depressing. I felt so fucking bad for her the first time I played.#but I thought that you couldn't save isobel! and that's just what was supposed to happen! fool was I!#oh and if your tav fails the perception check on mizora when she first sends wyll to rescue zariel's asset- HE renegotiates his contract!#which I like better? I like when the companions get to choose their own fate! I like wyll taking a stand for himself! it was awesome!#and well. if corydalis used his outrageous charisma stat to push mizora into giving wyll a funky new sword? that's just friendship <3#the relationship between aylin and isobel is beautiful. I'm so happy that I replayed to save isobel. I much prefer seeing aylin happy :)#barcus. barcus. barcus. I want to criticise you but I'm in love with astarion so. can I really talk???#well maybe /I/ can't. but corydalis is Aware and playing mental manipulation chess with astarion. out of pure intent. but still.#join our polycule barcus. please. we will treat you better. I promise <3333#anyways. not ready for the buggiest part of the game again. but at least I know what's going on this time.
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Ship of theseus ass friendship
#reflecting on one of my longest friendships and how it has changed over the years today#brought to you by i miss her and summer is our time to see each other but weve seen each other maybe 3 times :(#of nothing about our friendship is like it was when we were kids is it still the same friendship#if we used to be super close now we're distant but always there is it the same friendship#if we used to explain everything to each other now we never talk about deep stuff#if i used to be embarassed to go ring her doorbell to go to the beach now i ring it just to see if shes there#if we used to know things about each other bc our moms told us now we tell each other before our moms#idk man i kinda miss what we used to have but i wouldnt go back for anything lol#also i think the relationship we have now is way more healthy that the one we had as kids#like it didnt end up being toxic bc we stopped talking and seeing each other for like 3 years#and honestly that saved our friendship ngl im so glad it happened but at the same time i hate we had to lose so much time#mine#friends
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This summer is so lonely.
#it’s so lonely not having someone to constantly text#there’s this girl I used to text all the time#I must’ve ruined our friendship at some point#I miss her#and now I’m panicking about things#and she’s just not here even though she still lives nearby and I still text her#but it’s so infrequent compared to what it was
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damn I miss playing wolves in my friend's back yard .... rb to play wolves with your mutuals in their back yard<3
#just blahs#i dont really think this needs any other tags sbhsjsjs#but i am going to kinda vent in the tags still feel free to rb this tho :]#i miss my friend tbh#she was my best and only real friend for like 3 years and then she moved away and now we only talk 2-3 times a year#and i dont.... know how to change that#i just want my best friend back#but i dont want to seem clingly because what if shes moved on ?#what if shes gone and shes doing just fine where she is now and she doesn't miss me like i miss her#what if shes perfectly content with me just being someone that she talks to a few times a year#meanwhile i have nights that i literally cry myself to sleep because i cant just go see her#she doesnt know that i want so badly to turn 18 just so that i can move to the same state and maybe live near enough that i could see her#and i dont think i can tell her that because what if she doesn't care that much.#what if im being ridiculous and i should be over our friendship that should have ended the moment she moved years ago#that i should have just moved on and it's weird that i haven't#anyways sorry for the vent in the tags of my silly goofy post#mutuals come play wolves with me in my backyard <3
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Ok
#kinda vent post cause ive been anxious ever since we got coffee this evening#I promise I'm not trying to be weird or anything. I'm just#I just really don't want to screw this up. I know we spent almost the last year avoiding each other#And I know things between us were rocky for a bit before that#and I hope I'm not overwhelming you. I know things won't be better overnight#I know we've distanced so much and theres so much awkward history there. I know things are different now#And I respect that. I respect your relationship and your new life. I'm not trying to impose or make you uncomfortable#I'm just anxious and tbh scared an nervous too. I don't want to fuck this up. If theres a chance for us to be close friends again I want it#Im so so so scared of fucking it up. I feel like I forgot how to be friends & after the way I left things Im scared that I lost my chance#I'm scared that it's not gonna work and that a permanent goodbye is in our future. I'm scared that you won't want me around after all#I would understand if that became the case.. but I really don't want that#I cant text you this without seeming like an overbearing clingy anxious mess of an ex but ive been on the verge of a panic attack all night#just for the fear that I'm fucking up already somehow. Just the fear that this isn't going to work and I shouldn't even try#I think I spent so long avoiding you that now I don't know what to do with myself. But I'm trying to be normal#I promise I dont have any motives other than missing a really great friendship and being tired of missing friends#And maybe I still have a ways to go in the emotional healing department but I think I'm ok enough to try. I've been ok for a while now#If you see this please know that I mean every word. If you never see it thats ok because I just need to get it off my chest before I burst#I don't want to scare you off or lose you again. if thats what it comes to then know I'll always miss and appreciate you for all my days#Thats all. Ive been a ball of nerves all evening & I just needed to air this out cause having this weight sitting on my chest is too much#emma rambles#personal#vent post
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i’m fr gonna lose my mind :)
#been a minute since i’ve ranted in the tags on here hi hello#so i have this friend who is driving me absolutely insane#we’ve been friends for about a year or so and when we first met we clicked right away and got super close and hung out all the time#we met at work but neither of us works there anymore and it feels like our whole friendship is falling apart now that we don’t#i literally have not seen her in person once since the last time we worked together (march)#and even before that we didn’t hang out outside of work since december of last year#and i have grown very used to having friends that just do not put the same amount of effort as me into our friendships and it’s sucks#so i was starting to make my peace with the fact that we just weren’t really friends anymore#but then a few months ago she started texting me asking me to hang out all the time and she seemed way more like her old self#and immediately i got sucked back in and was all excited to see her again and have her back in my life fully#but she completely flaked on me three times in a row (not even cancelling our plans but waiting until the next day to give me an excuse)#which like i said i’m unfortunately used to but she literally was the one who invited ME to hang out every time#like why are you initiating plans with me and then ignoring my calls and texts when it comes time to actually hang out#then a few weeks ago she texted me again saying we should go to a concert together bc we hadn’t in a long time#and there happens to be a concert i’ve been wanting to go to on the 31st but had no one to go with#she said she was totally in and really excited and i bought the tickets a couple days later and texted her to tell her i had#got zero response for almost a week and then she texted me yesterday saying we should hang out this week#so i said yeah let’s do it but also this concert is literally in 2 days are you still coming with me#and no response! again! so now i have 2 days to try and find someone else who can go last minute bc it seems unlikely that she will#and i’m just so fucking confused bc why do YOU keep reaching out to ME just to flake out at the last minute every single time#like at this point it feels like she’s doing it on purpose just to see if i’ll keep tolerating her bullshit#and part of me wants to just cut her off bc she’s been a terrible friend to me for months at this point#but i can’t bring myself to do it bc i miss her so much anyway and when our friendship was good it was really fucking good#like i considered this girl one of my best friends and now it feels like she’s just playing games with me bc she’s bored#which sucks extra bc last year she was there for me when literally none of my long time friends were#like it’s bad enough that it seems like our friendship was conditional on us being coworkers#but it hurts more and more every time she reappears in my life just to ghost me again like genuinely why would you do that#so i’m really upset and pissed off rn and i have no idea wtf to do about the concert bc idk anyone else who likes the artist enough to go#vent#lj.txt
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honestly why do i even bother trying
#its always me trying and me making an effort and me making everything i can to make it work#and u dont even sound enthusiastic about it and its kinda upsetting really#would our friendship still exist if i didnt text u first every single time#i miss 2018 when we were actually close#i miss calling you my best friend
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qjaiden death got me so fucked up I have about 30 posts worth of queue about her
#some are other things but a good 90% are jaiden#i didn't want to clog up someone's notifs lolol but yeah the queue's gonna go till friday#i know ccjaiden made the decision herself to step away and im glad she's prioritising herself and her mental health#but also GAH. she was part of the first group. she was our first woman. she was my first pov. and only pov up until bobby died.#she was a lawyer. a mother. a best friend. she was amazing.#i didnt pay much attention to her cubito and all the cucurucho lore after bobbys death but im still going to miss her#wouldnt have started watching qsmp had it not been for her. i may have been a mcyt fan before qsmp but i never watched dsmp so i knew of-#-the other creators but not enough to want to watch. but seeing jaiden animations up there amused me enough to start watching#we watched her adopt bobby with roier. i loved their friendship from the start. i kept up w bobby so much. he was my first favourite#im going to miss her. she was a wildcard but god she was one of the best#jaiden roier bobby drawing sessions. jaiden hanging out with roier and mariana. jaiden attending roier and cellbit's wedding#jaiden showing off her wings. jaiden getting a new hairdo. jaiden in bobby fields never being able to set down more than 3 chairs#jaiden saying goodbye to every sunset. calling out wait for me. dont leave her. wait for her. wait for her bobby.#she's with you now.#FUCK OKAY I THOUGHT I'D BE FINE NVM
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you guys.... i'm going down a spiral and I need advice
#my best friend (my favourite person in the world) has been acting kinda distant lately#she's been struggling with depression so I figured she just needed some space#we still talk on instagram every day and send each other reels all the time#but lately I just feel like she's gonna abandon me...#she's growing up and has a job and a boyfriend and is doing well for herself#meanwhile i'm a failure lmao i flunked twice and am still in uni and barely surviving this school year with absoltely no (...)#(...) prospects and hope for the future. on top of that i'm a depedent clingy selfish useless jealous baby#she deserves better than me and she's bound to realize that so i'm not surprised this is happening. but it still hurts.#last night she sent me a message on ig saying she missed me but deleted it immediatly so i didn't have time to respond#which most likely means she meant to send it someone else and sent it to me by mistake#which means she doesn't miss me at all (she could have just kept the message and it'd be no trouble#but the fact she deleted it so quickly without a second thought just means she doesn't care about me#we haven't seen each other in a month so that hurts#i panicked and “replied” saying i missed her too but she left me on read#now she's sending me reels but I can't bring myself to even open our chat because it just hurts#I wish we could just cut the chord and end the friendship at once instead of having me slowly watch it crumble#i hate this#i'm so sad#i'm gonna be all alone#i'm completely isolated from everyone and it's my fault for depending on her so much#it hurts so much I don't even want to see her#i don't know what to do
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you know the best feeling is when you infiltrate your boyfriend's friend group and become a part of it
#ramyeon with spam !#well . talking ab my ex here. his friends are sooo cool we're still in touch . well if being insta moots and viewing stories counts as one#i remember when i met them and they were so welcoming and always down to help me. or just anyone in their group#like i love watching friendships like that#me and my friend used to hang out with them all the time like. all the time#this is so random but i came across our pics together while strolling thru my gallery and i miss them all so much#and everything js made me realise how good things were two yrs ago and how everyone of us wanted to stay together for a long time#but now all of us have moved on and moved to different places have different lives and imp things to cater to to even think ab the past#and it makes me so emotional bc they were like. one of my best days in highschool#we were just a bunch of silly goofy friends but we cried together and laughed together and we also talked shit ab ppl together#we had a tradition of burning answer sheets once they were given back to us . if u get a bad score that is#bye this is so random lmfao
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The problem with becoming friends with people while all of you are going through some awful trauma is that if you're not careful you won't know how to keep being friends without it. Growth is a good thing, but that can be easy to forget when every step forward you take makes you worry those people won't be in your life anymore and you subconsciously feel like you have to manufacture some kind of ongoing crisis so you guys have something to talk about. Friendships formed in the face of hardship are strong and fierce things, and the relationship fading as your lives improve doesn't mean it wasn't real. It just served its purpose. You all made it out alive, and that was why you found each other in the first place. This is a hard and shitty lesson to learn.
#I miss my core group of friends but my god we were held together by the stress in our lives#We leaned hard on each other and we needed that#But none of us knew how to have a regular friendship with low stakes#And the other three figured it out before I did#So it was just me trying to offer news about my life but it was all... Not even negative just A Lot#And they had moved into stability and didn't need that anymore#And from my point of view if I didn't talk nobody would#Which ended up being true#I got better and offered good things going on in my life and they just.... Stopped#Being friends with them was necessary for that part of my life#Of all of our lives#We all met in college and needed each other the few years after when life was still a mess but without the structure of schoolwork#I'm grateful to have known them#But there's no doubt they saw me as a younger sibling#And the more I began to make my own decisions the more they pushed back#And got upset when I didn't take their advice#I hope they're well#But I think I'm done being hurt that they've moved on#Good for them#Now I have regular friendships too - even deep ones - and they're nothing like that was#I'm no longer doing joint survival mode#mundane adventures
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I think my favorite compliment I’ve ever gotten was when my friend told me she stopped gossiping after she became friends with me ToT<33
#I love our friendship cause we’re both good influences on eachother#like she inspired me to eat healthier + cut out sodas#we’ve been friends for like 7ish years now? I miss her tho cause she goes to a different uni than me </3#but we still make plans to hangout and we text a lot still
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idk how to reconcile my new self with my old self. also i fucking hate waiting. GRAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#delete later#im getting a taste of my own medicine bc when im overwhelmed depressed etc i don’t even open emails or dms or whatever and then ifeel guilty#and let them build up and run away from them and literally do not reply for years. but ive been waiting for like 5 different but related#replies for 3ish days at this point and im soooooo impatient omg i want to bash my head into the wall.. and afaik no one i messaged has#opened the message despite being active online elsewhere which is EXACTLY what i do so i have no right to complain at all. but still. omggg#i just have a simple question (me and the ps5 voice) reply to my message boy#purrs#also.. ok yeah im gonna be honest about it even if there are consequences lol. idk why im on such a mission to get back all my old#characters but if i don’t i can and will go crazy. i don’t even do that kind of thing anymore and d*viantart is an irreversibly warped#landscape due in part to capitalism and in part to own mistakes and selfish actions. and i truly feel like my tumblr mutuals are the only#ones who understand me and feel safe and cozy on here. but i miss my old internet home. and i really miss my old internet friends and seeing#all the jokes we had and how we were all like interconnected w the same adopt groups and stuff and now we don’t even talk… it makes me so#sad and i feel weird messaging them just for the purpose of asking if they can give me back characters i gave them 4 years ago like a) you j#just don’t do that kind of thing i don’t think but b) it feels so transactional and would make the part of saying hey our friendship was#important to me when i was a teenager and even though we don’t talk anymore i think of you fondly and wish you well. like lollllll. and i#feel cringe even tracking them down / messaging them bc we are all jn our 20s now… embarrassing. but i am so mad at myself for letting those#friendships wither (not that i have the spoons to sustain them these days anyway but still) and for not keeping bettr track of my characters#when i sold them and for giving them up in the first place and for letting my old internet life just fall apart due to neglect bc it puts me#in a bind to try to piece it together again no matter how i try it and i shouldn’t try anyway. but i am so tempted to rn. lol#* itd make saying stuff abt appreciating friendship weird bc there’s a transaction tied in (source: i did this and feel weird and bad)#like the way i want to SCREAM seeing that dA ate all of the journals i made when i was a 14 year old and turned them into glitched polls. th#the way the wayback machine has terrible unreliable records of everything and i can never get some stuff back / track some stuff down. pain#anyways it’s stupid bc i feel cozy and listened to and as connected as i have the energy to be to all of u guys so why am i doing this. but#i miss the dA stuff too and i wish it wasn’t cringe and i wish i could have everything that’s ever been part of me all in one place. lol#also this doesn’t even take into account my poetry community on dA on my other account who i also felt so safe and cozy with and i abandoned#that too and lost touch with basically everyone even though we all knew each others deepest secrets for years.. the heartsickness of it all#anyways mutuals who knew me on deviantart i am clutching both your hands with impassioned urgency and kissing u on the cheeks. that’s all
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