#I think I’ve used enough tags so it won’t show up now! lol

[hazelfoureyes]

A Doe in Fall (Part 8)

⟢HumanAlastor x FemaleBurlesquerReader - A Doe in Fall

A burlesquer with a penchant for conning men, you find your latest game interrupted when your next mark saves you from an aggressive fan— by killing him. The chance encounter left you curious, still half convinced you could complete your normal chase. Unbeknownst to you, you were the one being tracked.

Part 1 - Pretty in Red smut💦 Part 2 - Liar smut💦 Part 3 - A Tragedy smut💦 Part 4 - Enough Part 5 - Too Much Part 6 - Learning smut💦 Part 7 - Recognition smut💦 Part 8 - Trust sexual 🥵 📍 Part 9 - Shiny Things Part 10 - Good Deeds

Part 8 - Trust

Detective Brady is sharper than you initially thought, though Alastor is (seemingly) unfazed by the threat. While you both explore the idea of ‘home’ a familiar face shows up at your apartment.

「Warnings/Tags: Human Alastor x Fem Burlesquer reader, Detective Brady exists a lot and maybe too much, fingering lol, phone calls, almost our first fight, stress, Disney mom rule, Ruth is pretty alright for now, Brenda」

forgot to tag you in the deleted scene for TRDFAHS

M👻D☠️N👽I😈

Your mother always said ‘Anger is your sword and shield’. So you postured yourself as someone mad. One hip out, arms crossed, eyes narrowed.

“Sir I don’t appreciate a man in a lady’s space.”

Brady bit his tongue, wanting to say something sharp.

 I don’t see any ladies here.

 He met the glares of the women behind you. “Ah, well-,”

“Do you really expect her to leave in her robe?”

“Aren’t you the man whose been stalking her?”

“Autumn I’ll go with you.”

“You want her to get into a strange man’s car?”

He felt like a fox about to be pecked to death by the hens.

“Now-! Alright I’m seeing I maybe,” he set your shoes down and slid past you and between the other performers, “got a little eager to speak to you.”

“Does Janet know you like to hang around burlesquers?” Someone said as his back was turned.

Like having ice water poured over his head, his shoulders tensed as did his tone. “I’ll be right out the door.”

You tried to hide the tremble in your hands, but failed. Ruth slid beside you, “What do you need?”

A phone. But the cord wouldn’t reach that far. You wanted to tell Alastor. You needed him to know that detective had you cornered and knew of his existence.

“Could you stay with me? I’m not going anywhere. But I’ll feel safer if I’m not talking to him alone. In case he tries to drag me out. He seems a little off his rocker.” You were genuinely scared he would grab you by the arm and pull you out of the theater if he didn’t think anyone would see. 

She patted your back, the others filing in to continue with their work of getting dressed and undressed. You took your time, trying to plan what you would say.

Brady felt an embarrassed blush take hold as the women moved past him with scowls and tsks. He could feel a little bit of his sanity slip back now that you were in front of him. 

“I have some questions about Tommy. I’ve been trying to talk to you for weeks. We can head down now.”

Oddly, your mother also taught you, ‘You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.’ 

She didn’t always make a lot of sense, contradicting herself daily. 

Time to use the tried and true tactic, “I am sorry, detective. I had some trouble recently and have been keeping to myself… going home as soon as possible. Just trying to keep my nose clean. So to speak.”

Brady watched you look up at him with a face his daughter often gave him when she was in trouble. But you weren’t a child and you surely weren’t his daughter. “That’s no excuse to dodge me.”

Your turn to bite your tongue, “Of course, sir.”

Ruth was… confused. She’d never seen you so obedient. You had more venom in your voice after taking a hit from Tommy knowing a third could be close behind. Why were you being so small?

“Are you ready to go?” He fished in his pocket for his car door keys. 

Ruth felt the need to interject, “She’s not going anywhere.”

Perfect.

You nodded, “I won’t be out at night, sir. You know better than most about the dangers.” Your dangers. Your darling Alastor.

“No, no no,” an unhinged chuckle from the fraying detective, “You’re not slipping away again. I have my car, I’ll take you there and bring you home.”

Ruth looked to you, then back to the detective, “Is she under arrest?”

Brady rolled his eyes, “Of course not.”

“Then? What gives you the right?”

Technically, nothing. He didn’t need to talk to you. His lead still stood. But maybe you’d slip and say something to expedite his search for the radio man. Maybe this would only end with Tommy. But he felt something tickling the back of his skull. An urge to not stop pushing.

“I’ll meet you at the station tomorrow morning. Is it the address on the card you gave me?” Maybe you would, maybe you wouldn’t. You just needed him gone so you could call Alastor. 

He was shaking his notebook, key looped onto his finger. A nervous habit. “You still have my card?”

A smile, “Of course. In case any news came up. I’d have called but I didn’t realize you were so worked up.”

He scoffed. He wasn’t worked up. He was just annoyed. Maybe a little rougher in demeanor than usual but whose fault was that?

“If you don’t turn up tomorrow-,”

Ruth, taller than most women and some men and wide at the shoulders, leaned in.

Brady’s eyeline adjusted from yours to Ruth’s. Skye Scraper wasn’t just a pun, it was a cruel nickname she took ownership of. “Finish that sentence.”

The conversation ended there, Brady leaving with a huff.

You’d memorized the number the night Alastor gave it to you, too scared to write it down. He warned you though he wouldn’t be the one to answer.

“Is Alastor still there?” You tried to smile so you sounded less panicked. Ruth mouthed his name and pretended to swoon as you held the phone close to your ear. 

“Uhh depends, who is this?” Brenda answered, a voice you’d never heard but a woman Alastor had primed you for. 

“….”, but why hadn’t you thought through this part, what name was safe? Which was recognizable? You didn’t like the idea of this woman knowing your name. “Tell him it’s Autumn.”

“….” 

You laughed at Ruth, waiting still for a reply from Brenda, “Hello?”

“Is this a crank? Autumn like the season? I-,” a commotion, “Hey there! No. I don’t know. Well it’s past hours anywa-.”

Alastor was lying across Brenda’s desk to reach the phone, having wrestled it from the woman’s grip, “I’m here. What’s wrong? I was about to leave.”

“I’ll walk home tonight.” It hurt, physically hurt, to say it.

Alastor tried to keep his face neutral, “Oh.” Nervous fingers twirling the cord, “One second.” 

Harsh whispers, some clicks, and he was back, “I’m in my office. What happened?”

“Yeah Ruth is with me. It’s okay. I’ll call you like normal tomorrow?” 

“Should I swing by your apartment?” He considered doing it regardless of your answer.

“Ah, no. I wouldn’t recommend it. I’ll be heading to the police station early tomorrow so I’ll be asleep as soon as I’m flat.” Putting your hand over the receiver, you spoke to Ruth, “Thank you, we got it figured out.”

His heart sank to his stomach, “Did he finally manage to catch you?”

“Yeah. Or—-,” your voice cracked a little, the fear rolling in as soon as Ruth walked away, “Yeah.”

“I’m coming over to the theater.”

Cupping the phone you curved your shoulders in and turned away from the staff milling about, “Don’t, that’s worse.” Tears stung your eyes. You felt like you’d failed him. You had somehow, hadn’t you? The loose thread Brady could grab ahold of was you.

“If you can’t come to the alley I’ll leave after a couple minutes. But I’ll be there in twenty, same time as our normal pick up.”

“Alastor, that’s reckless.”

“Please, dear, I don’t want our first fight to be over my work line.” A calming breath, “You don’t have to meet me, but I’ll be there. Just five minutes, then I’ll be off.”

You decided the safest thing to do was to wait in the alley. If you saw any signs of Brady or anyone coming out, you’d go back inside and just miss the meeting. But the idea of Alastor being just beyond the wall, waiting all alone, was too much.

But how much harder would it be if the wall was of the prison? Or worse, dense earth under your feet? That’s what Brady was wanting. 

You hadn’t realized you’d been chewing your nails until his car turned down the alley from the back and you tore off much of the length of your thumbnail.

Your arms were thrown around him before he was fully out of the car, “Alastor, he knows I have a guy. He wanted me to go down right now but I managed to push it to tomorrow.” Alastor tried to decipher the words as you spoke them into his vest, “What do I do?”

Normally you’d have your own plans in mind but this was too big, this was capable of hurting him more than anyone else. 

He smelled like ink and smoke, a scent you inhaled as you tried to calm your breath.

A large hand patted your head, “Okay. You go tomorrow. It’ll be fine. Don’t stress.” Pulling you off he placed chaste kisses across your face. “Think about what you want to say to him and we can talk it out in the morning. Everything is fine.”

The reality of you standing in a dirty alley crying into the arms of a murderer set in. Then the little detail you were both killers creeped over your chest and took hold of your throat.

He was impressed at the strength of your hands as you gripped at his clothes. Leaning against the car, he offered you his most charming smile.

“Deep breaths, dear. Do I look scared?”

He didn’t. He looked like a magazine ad for French cologne or razor blades that left the softest skin. 

“No.” You shook your head.

“No.” He nodded. “It’ll be okay. If you don’t go, he will hound you worse. If you do go, maybe he’ll realize he’s got a handful of nothing.”

His smile blinded you. Bright grin as he rested against his car, arms open. 

“Do you really think so? A handful of nothing?”

“Did he say my name?”

“No.”

“Did he–” he elongated the word, lips pursed as he searched the sky for his next words, “have Tommy’s body?”

You laughed, morbid but preposterous, “I didn’t pat him down. Coulda.” 

Alastor snapped his fingers, “We’ll have to just assume he didn’t.” A moment of tension. The act of joking barely traversing the space between your bodies let alone reaching the stress under your skin. His hands came to your shoulders; firm, secure. “Did you want to have that fight now? About me coming over here.”

You rolled your eyes, obviously not. “Ala-,” you started and stopped.

“I’ll admit I’m being reckless but I think we can both agree my way is more fun.” Smile sliding into a smirk, he cocked his head and lowered it to get back into your line of sight. When you stuck your tongue out he took a deep breath in, relief. “Are you sure I can’t take you home?”

To which home, you wondered. He used the word so casually and interchangeably…

Face close to yours. Eyes solely on you. Perhaps the stage wasn’t as necessary as you’d once thought. Lips on lips, the feeling of his smile spreading as he returned the kiss. A second of panic as you realized you couldn’t see or hear or sense what else was happening anymore in the alley. Brady could have had you in handcuffs and you wouldn’t be the wiser. Not as long as Alastor’s mouth was moving over yours.

“I’ll call in the morning.” He said into your exhale.

You hadn’t opened your eyes yet. Not ready to return to earth. A pout from you. A chuckle from him. “I’ll be waiting,” You finally said. 

While you did your waiting, shuffling around the theater and later tossing around in bed, Alastor fell into a different kind of purgatory.

One he hadn’t realized he’d made for himself until you weren’t there. 

The house was quiet, almost eerie. Even with music on he found himself nearly uncomfortable. He shifted several times in his chair while reading, not finding any way to settle in. 

His bed was lopsided. Suddenly one side was too light. Multiple times his hand slid under the sheets in search of you out of habit. 

What a terrible feeling; to want someone. To know you could have them but they just… weren’t there.

It didn't make any sense. He knew he’d see you soon, in less than a day's time even. He typically enjoyed his home and its silence. Being alone was predictable and therefore comforting. Well, it had been. Before you. 

The feeling in his chest, akin to a magnet tugging through his sternum toward a distant partner, didn’t abate.

Only when he heard your voice again over the phone did he find a sliver of peace.

“I’ve decided I’ll deny I have a guy. And, I’ll never tell him about you. It’s safer if he never connects us.”

Alastor was listening, honestly, but he wasn’t really processing. His mind was worried about something else. The detective genuinely didn’t bother him but he had to agree, “I suppose that’s best. As long as we can manage it, to not let him know we’re together.”

Together.

You were together with him. An item. How spectacular you must be to be a part of anything with him.

But for how long? With a certain detective breathing down your neck…, “I’m scared. Actually.”

You could hear the smile in Alastor’s breath, it was odd but eased you. 

“He will never have enough to convict us. He’ll drive himself crazy trying. Trust me.” He soothed. 

Did you have any choice? “Okay. You’re right. I trust you.” Unequivocally so. 

He cleared his throat, “Sorry to change the subject…”

“Please.”

“I want you to come over again tonight. What do you think?”

“Oh, yeah. Of course, don’t even need to ask. I’ll always say yes.” All you needed to do was get through Brady and you’d be home.

But for Alastor, well, he wasn’t done asking the question. A moment of panic from a place unrecognized in his brain, fear of losing himself entirely. But what good was a safe harbor if he never ventured out to sea? That’s just a restraint then, isn’t it? 

Maybe you held a place for him even richer in its comforts than his solitude.

So he let himself drift away from familiar shores, no sails and no compass, “I think it’d be smart to bring over a couple sets of clothes. I can keep them washed and always here for you. Would that be alright?” He had wanted to suggest it while together, but Brady was ruining more than his sleep.

Oh.

The same silence from when he first extended the invitation, the deja vu not lost on you. You struggled to decipher the second meaning you were sure was there. Maybe he didn't know what he had asked. 

“I know it’s boring out in the boonies but, you’re welcome to just stay over while I go to work. I can come back and get you for rehearsals… I’ll enjoy the clubs or come back and make something for a late dinner for us, and bring you home when you’re done.”

He said it. He hadn’t really meant to, so he felt the need to clarify, but you also needed him to clarify just as quickly, “I -,”

“Did you me-?”

“Sorry, go ahead.”

“No I interrupted you-,”

“Not at all pl-,”

“Alastor for the love of God please don’t make me keep talking right now.” You lightly knocked your head with the phone a few times. Your heart was gasping for an ounce of understanding.

He chuckled, glad you were still very much yourself, “I meant, take you home as in, away from work. So, here. Or, there, if you’d prefer.” His face scrunched up, this wasn’t a conversation he had any practice in, “Anywhere really. I’ll drive you anywhere.”

“Alabama?”

He looked at the phone as if you were in it. Alabama? 

“Like— the first time you asked me over.” You added quickly. A terrible joke, a bad callback that made it painfully obvious you committed everything he said to memory.

Alastor rested his cheek on the dining table, laughing into the wood before bringing the receiver back. You always offered him an out of uncomfortable situations, “Well the offer still stands. I'd be willing to even venture at least halfway across Texas.” 

“The best half of Texas is on our side so that’s a generous offer. But, given our work schedules, I think your house would be much better. Time wise.” 

He let his eyes close as he felt the coldness of the wood, “Is that a yes then? To bringing over a couple of items… for ease.” Was it a mistake? Would he regret it? 

You were worth regrets. He had decided. He wanted you to say yes.

The weight of what he was asking wasn’t lost on you an ounce. You could see your window from the phone booth. You took great pride in your little apartment. It was your space and no one else’s. As a child you struggled to have your own anything, so you valued your home. 

But could you call any place so far from Alastor a home?

It’s just a few items. You weren’t giving up your lease. It’s a baby step. One you could easily walk back if you needed to later. It’s not like you hadn’t spent every night possible already since that first offer.

“Yes.” 

It was a plan that took your mind off cops. Have your interrogation, go home, then go home for a relaxing evening of jazz and drink.

The levity ended though the second you hung up the receiver. An obstacle between you and him still stood. You pulled out your bag but couldn’t find the will to pack it. Your hands were too busy as you chewed on your thumbnail again.

Brady noticed the uneven length when you sat down and set your hands on the table.

“Surprised you showed.” He opened his notebook and readied his pencil. “First things first, what is your legal name?”

A chill. You’d gotten your warning the night before to prepare something to say but ignored it. Your mind was flipping through words and images. Piercing all of it were the white reflective eyes of the deer along the road. You decided to lean into what you knew. 

“Autumn.”

“Really? Never heard the name Autumn before.”

“Me either. Made for an easy stage name.”

“I’ll need to see your birth records, just to be sure.”

You sucked your teeth. “Ah, unfortunately…all that stuff was left behind with my mom when I moved.”

“And where can I find her?

“Corner of North Villere street and Piety.”

“And your address?”

You paused. His eyes rose and met yours. The radiant aqua from the cafe morning was now an icy color. “I don’t give my address out. You know where I work.”

“But you’re fine giving me your mother’s address? That’s cold.”

“Not as cold as she is, I’m sure of that.”

“Fine, I’ll find it in the census records.” He flipped the page, “Tell me about the dates Tommy arranged.” He tapped his notepad on the table like it was the starting bell of a fight.

You wished Alastor was with you, but also wished he would never enter that station. “Apparently many of the dancers agreed, got a cut. I had no idea about it until he,” you remembered the man and his ugly tie, “introduced me to a man who was very forward. I insulted him and ran off. Lost Tommy good money, apparently.”

“And who was that?”

You searched your memory, “S something. Mister Stein? I honestly wasn’t listening much after I realized what was happening.”

Brady nodded, “And then he knocked you around?”

You winced without meaning too, “Yeah. Got me good.”

Brady waited for you to continue talking, but you had learned this game. People know silence is uncomfortable and will use that against you. So you let the silence stay. Let the awkward tension build. You had limited time, he knew that.

He caved first. “And… the next date. Last time anyone saw Tommy. Tell me about that.”

Lying was second nature to you. You had killed for Alastor. You could do this. Deep breaths, slink into yourself. You imagined Alastor choked on the park grounds, wet and unmoving. Imagined him cold to the touch.

“Tommy said he’d kill me if I didn’t go. So I did. Promised me he’d stay with me for protection.” Tears welled. Bloody hands and a large rock. “But as soon as he got his money he left.” 

Brady was writing, “And the man? What was his name.”

“Something foreign. Kerr-something. Or Car?”

He looked up slightly, “You’re pretty terrible at names.”

You wiped away your tears, “I had more pressing concerns at the time than trying to remember that man’s name. I was hoping I’d never need to know it.”

Brady hummed, “Yeah. And what did your beau think of this?”

Did you hide it? The flash of panic that rolled under the flesh of your face, “If I had a beau Tommy wouldn’t have made me do that. He said that himself.”

“Too bad he’s not here to confirm.”

“If he was we wouldn’t be having this conversation, detective.”

“Touché. Clever little lady aren’t you?”

Fuck.

You shifted slightly in your seat, looking downward in an attempt at being bashful. “That’s kind to say.”

“So why did,” he flipped through his book, “Beth say you stopped singin’ on Sundays cuz of your radio boyfriend?”

“Ah,” a weak laugh to hide the way your breath got sucked in with panic. The words ‘radio boyfriend’ punched the air from your lungs. “You must mean the rake. Took me for a ride at a club corner and sent me off in a cab to never see me again. Didn’t know he was in radio though.” 

“Well now you’re lying and I don’t appreciate it one ounce ma’am.“

“What?”

“Beth says he’s been coming to your shows for nearly half a year.”

No acting necessary for this part. “What are you talking about? I met him at a club. We arranged a date and he picked me up at—“

“Beth’s dive.”

“…. Yeah. Well.” He’d been there before? So often? And you never noticed…, “That’s news to me, that he had been there for so long, it’s got its regulars though so...” You shifted again, this time with a clear uncomfortable edge. 

“He stopped coming when you stopped singing.”

“….guess he got what he wanted then. A fun time in the swing hall bathroom.”  Anger. Unreal and unfounded. Trying your best to hide how confused you were.

“Sounds like a stalker, miss. Maybe one who woulda been quite unhappy to hear you were selli-,”

You cut him off, eyes snapping up to meet his, “I really recommend you reconsider your wording.”

Brady laughed with a huff, “A man dizzy with a dame can do some funny stuff. Especially if he hears she’s in a pickle.”

“Well, no knight coming to rescue me. I’ve sworn off men. It’s why I’ve been leaving work early. Getting home, reading, sleeping. He really did a number on my heart and my pride as a woman.”

Brady’s pencil stopped moving. 

“And his name?”

You’d never fucking say it. He could walk in on you moaning ‘Alastor’ and you’d still act like you’d never heard that string of syllables in your life. 

“John.”

Brady laughed and tossed the pencil to the table, “Let me guess, last name Doe?”

You shrugged, “We weren’t on a full name basis. He was handsome, he took me out, we fucked, I never saw him again” You delighted in the way his face screwed up at your unladylike language. 

“So, someone in radio named John. You know I’m going to be at every broadcaster talking to every John, right?” The nervous shaking of his notebook again. 

“When you find him let me know.”

“Oh I will.” He said it so quickly, so sharply you could feel it cut at your cheek as the words flew past you.

You pulled your hands into your lap, eyes firmly locked on Brady’s. “You look tired, sir. I hope my answers will help you. So you can rest.”

“I am tired. Of people jerking me around. You won’t give me your address, you don’t remember anyone’s name, not even your own, and you deny having a man I know you have.”

If you screamed would he have you committed? “I’m terribly sorry,” you leaned over the table and pulled a piece of fuzz off his shoulder, “my friend gave you inaccurate and dated information. I am genuinely trying to help as much as I can.”

Upon closer inspection, his eyes were more than just blue. They were dark and light, deep and shallow. Blue so far down it was nearly black. A blue so bright it was a cousin of white. Eyes you were sure would haunt you. 

“Help me then, Autumn.” Your brows rose at the request. He leaned back and away from you, “Just tell me what happened to Tommy. What your guy did. If he was trying to protect your name then we could find a sympathetic jury.”

Sympathy? Your smile was too wide, stare gone too soft. What sympathy did he have or would anyone have for you? Did he think you wanted the tender hearts of strangers? “Tommy ran off with a bag of money. He was a good man with a bad habit. That’s all I know. I have no partner, man or otherwise.”

A standstill. 

Brady felt a twitch in his hands he wasn’t used to. An itch to move. Unlike him, and a little frightening. 

Maybe he had been running himself ragged. 

Back sliding down slightly in his chair, he laced his fingers and rested them in his lap, “You know I’m gonna find out what happened, right?” His tone had shifted to something serious and calm. He said it like he was telling you a secret. Low but firm. Steady and sure. 

Those eyes. No, worse. What was behind them. You could see it clearly; unflappable determination. He absolutely would. 

“I trust you will.” A moment of silence again as you both felt the conversation die. As you stood, Brady did too.

“I wasn’t bluffing about him going to Beth’s for more than half a year now. I don’t know how you think this is gonna end but it won’t end pretty. Whether it was just your boss or all the others on my desk, end it with him and help us bring Tommy home to his mother.”

You adjusted your purse on your shoulder, “I don’t know how many time-,”

“Autumn. I’ve seen enough make up covered bruises to clock em from across the room. That’s the act of a possessive, immature man. Just think about what I said,” You opened the door in an effort to keep your hands from shooting to your neck. “There’s no white picket fence or church bells for you two. He’s a bad man. I think he may even be an evil man. You’re gonna end up hurt, or dead.”

A laugh bubbled up in your chest but you managed to stifle it. With an honest smile you replied, “We’re all gonna end up dead someday, Detective. I’ll call if I have any news. Thanks for your concern and … evident hard work.” You offered a little nod of your head before leaving the room and the station as quickly as you could without running. 

When he set down his notebook after returning to his desk, he couldn’t sit. Energy was buzzing in his limbs. He needed to run or swing or pace.

His desk neighbor watched him immediately pick up the notebook again and grab his hat. A few other men shared a glance as Brady rushed out, an unsettling feeling passed among them. 

“He’s still on that case?” One asked quietly, going back to his papers.

“Not officially….” Answered Freeman, standing at the window and watching Brady flag down a taxi.

“North Villere street and Piety, please.” He told the driver, not noticing his friend in the window.

It wasn’t near the station, nor the dance scene. He wondered if your mother would be any more amiable. What kind of woman would raise such a creature as you?

When the car slowed, Brady clicked back into his surroundings. He looked through every window hoping to see something different.

After a long pause the cabbie asked, “Ya gonna get out?”

His knuckles turned white as he gripped the edge of the seat. “No. Take me back to the station.”

His blood pressure rose so quickly he was sure he would black out as the cab turned around and drove back past the sign; Vincent DePaul cemetery.

✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦ . 　⁺ 　 . ✦

Alastor kissed away the worries when he took your bag from you. Every detail of the interview was just hummed away. “Even if he finds me, without a body he has no case.” He reminded you like it was nothing short of fact.

“What if he gets one?”

“Not one of mine, I can assure you. He’d sooner need to kill someone himself and call it my fault.” A pause, was that something the detective would do? He shook off the thought. 

He was so confident that even though you knew it was just skin deep it still gave you a sense of calm. The bodies, where they went after he was done with them in the greenhouse, was the last step he hadn’t shared with you.

There was one thing you didn’t mention about the interrogation. 

You waited until you were a few drinks in, Alastor’s bowtie off and shirt unbuttoned several buttons before bringing it up. Uncharacteristically nervous about how he’d react when you broached the topic, you needed several deep breaths to get up your courage. Normally the idea of offending a man with an honest question wouldn’t ruffle you a bit, but once again there was nothing normal about you and Alastor. He made you so unlike yourself but not necessarily worse. Perhaps some consideration of other’s reactions wasn’t a bad thing. 

“This is awkward to ask.” It was dark already, the sun setting earlier and earlier. The buzz of the kitchen light could be heard through the screen door, the light just enough to let you see each other's features clearly. Leaning back on both hands for support, your legs rested in an unladylike spread down the porch stairs. No shoes. No girdle. No pretense.

Would he be mad? Or maybe offended?

“Brady said you had been going to my Sunday shows for awhile. Months before we actually met. Did you really meet me by coincidence?”

“Or was I stalking you as my next victim?” His head fell to the side, eyes closed and smile wide. “I saw you there, yes. And though you weren’t the best singer, I did enjoy your shows.”

You tried to see him without directly turning your head. 

“But yes, it was a coincidence. I had noticed that brute of a man a couple weeks in a row, staring at you so intensely. Word got around he had made a scene some time ago with a dancer.” 

You listened like someone was telling you your own story. It was an odd feeling, hearing someone recount your days from a different perspective. An unknown one. 

“I was surprised to see you at the theater when I followed him there. Even more so to see you in the alleyway.”

If he had said it wasn’t a coincidence, you genuinely didn’t know what you’d have done. You’d be scared and angry. Another predator lurking just past the tree lines.

Your relief must have been visible. “He really got to you, didn’t he?” Alastor asked, leaning over and letting his shoulder bump into yours. He was still riding the high of putting away your belongings in his closet and drawers. 

“Yeah. He gives me a bad feeling. Like…a brick wall barreling toward me.” You kicked a leaf off the steps, “Or like, when you see a big dark cloud on the horizon. Can’t do anything but wait and hunker down.”

How do you wait out a storm so set on burying you?

“Dear,” his hands rose and palms flipped up in a way that said he wasn’t hiding anything, “We get hurricanes annually. We’ve survived every one thus far. He’s just a drip. A sprinkle of a man.”

People have drowned on land before. A sprinkle could lead to pneumonia and that could lead to a wooden box. 

He tried to change the topic, laughing about Brenda’s reaction to the call and making plans for an evening out when things settled down again. You listened, but it was your turn to be half there. 

You could barely muster concern when you realized you’d forgotten your makeup and hair wrap at home when you were preparing for bed. What you would give for going home barefaced with a ruined hairdo to be the biggest stress of your week. 

The distance in your stare was weighing down his joy, how could he relish in the newest addition to his home when you were so burdened? Even in the moonless night he could see the faintest light reflecting off your eyes as you stared at the ceiling. Did you even feel his stare? 

He couldn’t let Brady poison his bed, and the man was clearly there now. Chasing you in your mind still. 

“Could I offer you a distraction?” Alastor slipped up against you, hand finding your hip. He could see your smile forming. 

“I wouldn’t argue against a distraction…,” you’d beg for one if you didn’t want to feel any lower than you already did. 

“Perfect. This bed isn’t made for three, so let’s eject that little nag, dear.” His hands slipped down your legs, “I want to replace your thoughts with better ones.” He pulled you to him, your back pressed into his broad chest. The way his soft hands smoothed over your silk slip felt like foreplay, so smooth and slick. Frictionless and gentle. Those same hands ran down and between your legs, following the line of your thighs until they found your center. “It seems you forgot something else.” Two fingers caressed your lower lips, barely parting them, “Not that I’m complaining…,” his lips found the back of your neck as his fingers rubbed gently at your core. 

It took so very little to get your body on board, wet and relaxed for his practiced hand. Your own fingers coming down to rub at your clit quickly when you felt your pleasure winding up. 

He sighed directly into the shell of your ear, hands working in tandem with yours under the covers. His back pressed against you, hips rolling into your backside in time with his fingers. 

“What are you thinking about?” Barely above a whisper as he said it into your heated skin.

“Fingers.”

“Whose?” His voice was deeper than his usual speaking tone. A tenor that made you clench around him.

“Yours.”

You’d never been so satisfied with hands before. With breath. With the sounds of a man. Never saw stars while clothed and not under the lights of the stage. Warm and wet kisses to your neck as you came down from your high, you’d never considered sex could be more than a man fucking someone. Nor that a man could find pleasure so readily with his cock still in his pants. But the way he hummed and growled softly into your skin was proof of his good time. 

You’d learned a lot from those progressively chillier nights at Alastor’s over the first week of your constant cohabitation. How much you liked waking up with someone just a reach away. How Alastor woke slowly, incapable of coherent speech for at least the first twenty minutes of his day. He’d stare and smile as his eyes blinked out of sync, rolling back occasionally as he fought the urge to fall back into sleep. Hair disheveled and soft.

When the weekend came, Alastor offered again to take you out. A promise to take you somewhere no detectives would be hiding about. A week without a peep, you were sure he had followed up with your mother and was probably steaming to get at you. But, for some reason or another, he hadn’t appeared again in the crowd of your shows. 

A week of going into work unmade and unkempt, you finally gave in and asked to be taken to your apartment early Friday. You’d grab a few items you needed, take them to work, and be back home that night. 

Your eyes were on Alastor when his car pulled up to your building. When he kissed you, your hand scratched at the shorter hairs at the nape of his neck. Eyes closed, you could smell him and feel him so much clearer. Perhaps when you were old together you wouldn’t have to worry about your sight giving out, you thought. Because you’d always know it was him by the way his skin on yours lit you up. 

“Pack something you’d like to wear out tomorrow night.” He reminded you before you pulled yourself from the car and waved him off. You lingered for a moment as he drove away, wondering if maybe the storm had been pushed off course.

“Oooh, who is he?”

Whipping around, you saw a familiar face sitting on the stoop of your building. An unwelcome one, though. 

“What the fuck are you doing here, Mavis?” Your bag fell from your hands as the strength drained from your limbs.

She patted the dust off her dress before bouncing down the steps.  “The names Ephi now.” A half sister, though perhaps a quarter sister would be best to describe the often absentminded, when not literally absent, sibling. 

“That’s not a name that’s a fucking letter of the alphabet. Mama would smack the color of your cheeks if she heard you.” You were sure you’d not see her ever again, not after she ran off to head north before your mother passed. She scowled, arms crossed as you brushed past her. “I don’t have any money so you wasted a trip. See ya in another decade.”

Ephi grinned up at you as you climbed the stairs, “Looked like he had some money. Mr. Big Shot and his shiny bus.”

“Lotsa people have cars.” Your eyes landed on the suitcase poorly hidden behind the steps. Hand halting its search for the building key as you could feel the stare of your mother looking…down? A weight slipping over your shoulders like a man’s heavy winter coat.

“Well I don’t need money or cars. I need a place to crash.”

Your head fell. You could feel it coming. The gust of wind dragging the clouds slowly towards you. No, the storm wasn’t off course. It was just building momentum.

˖ ݁𖥔.Summoning the Horny Little Deer Cult.𖥔 ݁ ˖

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[thebiggerbear]

Close Enough

Summary: When you'd met the Shaws at the morgue the day before, you thought that had been the end of it and you wouldn't need to see one Shaw brother in particular again. Little did you know that Colter was about to once again ask for your help and not only would you be forced to see Russell again but things were about to change drastically for the both of you.

Pairing: Russell Shaw x Female!Reader; Russell Shaw x Female!FBI Special Agent!Reader

A/N: Sequel to So Close. I wanted to follow up and reveal what happened between Russell and the reader in the past but as I was writing it, this idea popped into my head in addition to that and I just had to see where it went. This was the end result lol. Hope it's okay.

Unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine. I still have not seen Tracker (besides 1x12) because I just haven't had the time for a proper binge yet so if I got some things wrong about Colter and his experience in the show, I apologize.

A little disclaimer: I have never worked in law enforcement so I tried to piece together things I’ve seen and heard in true crime documentaries and podcasts alongside with movies/tv and books. I apologize for any inconsistencies, incorrect information, exaggerations, or complete fallacies. Basically, I made shit up.

Songs I listened to while writing: Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye; Easy Loving by Loretta Lynn & Conway Twitty; Sweet Dreams by Patsy Cline; Sounds of Someday by Radio Company

Warnings: sanctioned assassination; death; gun violence; graphic description of killing; violence/blood mention; mention of dead bodies; arson; implied sex; a trace amount of smut(ish?); language

Word Count: 16K+

Russell Taglist: @deangirl96 (I hope you don't mind me tagging you in this one; this is going to lead into the series that I mentioned on "So Close"); @avada-kedavra-bitch-187; @rieleatiel

Jensen Taglist: @samanddeaninatrenchcoat

This work was recc'ed by @winchestergirl2 here.

Your phone started to buzz and you glanced at the screen, rolling your eyes and letting out a sigh before picking up. That wasn’t the normal reaction you would have to seeing Colter’s name pop up on your phone but ever since that mess back at the morgue yesterday, you had been hoping he wouldn’t contact you again. At least not until his brother went back to whatever hole he’d crawled out of. But now it looked like that had been a fool’s hope, on both counts.

“You what?” You hissed.

“We’re about to head to this home in the Blue Ridge Mountains and go in to get Doug,” he repeated.

“I’m sorry, an incredible amount of stupid just sounded in my ear. Can you repeat that?”

“Reenie got me the location and it’s solid intel.” He lowered his voice. “Look, I thought we should get law enforcement involved, alright? But there’s a…valid reason why Russ doesn’t want to call them that I can’t get into right now.”

“Whoops, more stupid. One more time?”

Colter groaned into the phone. “Come on, Y/N.”

“I’m serious, Colter. What the hell are either of you think—wait, scratch that. What the hell are you thinking? Going into a dangerous location like that without any backup? If Carlos Solano found your missing man in a safehouse, do you think he won’t be armed to the teeth? That he won’t have guards patrolling the compound that you’re walking right into? That he won’t see something like this coming? You guys are walking right into a shitstorm.” Christ, you loved the guy like a long-lost brother that you sometimes kept in touch with but if he were in front of you right now, you would’ve delivered one good smack to the back of his head to get him thinking straight. Colter may know his way around a gun, but he wasn’t someone who had formal training or combat experience like Russell did. He didn’t even have your training and you wouldn’t be going in there kamikaze-style like they were.

“That’s why I’m calling you and asking you to meet us there. I’m not exactly calling in law enforcement but we’ll have one more person to watch our backs and help us search for Doug. And who better than a special agent with the FBI?”

You sat back in your chair, shaking your head but thinking it over. This was beyond stupid and you shouldn’t be encouraging it. Russell’s involvement in this idiot plan didn’t surprise you; Colter’s did. He knew better. But you also knew that if he thought he had a chance to get the missing guy back home safely, he was going to take it, no matter the personal risk. If you didn’t go like he asked and anything happened to him or Russell, you’d never forgive yourself.

“Please?” 

You pinched the bridge of your nose between your thumb and forefinger, your decision made. “Send me the location and I’ll leave now to meet you.”

“Thank you.” You could hear the genuine gratitude in his tone. “I promise I’ll explain everything.”

“You better,” you nearly growled before disconnecting the call. You had a feeling you knew what he was going to tell you but for his sake, you hoped it wasn’t anything close to what you were thinking. But why else would Russell not want to call law enforcement for help in rescuing his friend who had been taken hostage by a foreign criminal? God, you hoped you were wrong.

You let out another loud sigh and before you could stand, your phone started ringing again. When you glanced at the screen, instead of a name, you saw “Blocked”. Not good.

You swiped green, holding it to your ear. “Y/L/N.”

“We have a problem,” said the voice on the other end, one you knew all too well, and it didn't sound happy. Shit.

You watched as Colter’s truck pulled up alongside your car. Colter got out and noticed you leaning against your trunk, arms crossed and a scowl in place. Russell came around from the other side. 

“Either of you boys see two suicidal idiots around here? Oh, wait.”

Russell’s jaw tightened. “It wasn’t my idea to call you.” He slid a glare over to his brother. 

“You’re lucky he did,” you snapped. “And since I’m here,” You got to your feet and turned to open your trunk, revealing a smorgasbord of gear and weapons. “We’re going to be doing this my way.” You held out a bulletproof vest to Colter first and he immediately started to strap it on. You held one out to Russell but he shook his head and didn’t take it. You glanced over to find he had already put his own on while you’d been grabbing one for his brother.

“Okay, look,” Russell started, his eyes scanning your makeshift armory and setting your teeth on edge. “This isn’t some FBI raid of some drug gang. This guy, Carlos Solano, he’s the real deal. He’s as dangerous as they come.”

You could feel your irritation turning into anger at the suggestion that you didn’t know how serious this was, and from him of all people. “And what am I? Some part-time mall security guard? A receptionist at the Academy? I’ve dealt with cartels before and they’re as dangerous as they come, too. So take that mansplaining and shove it right up where the sun doesn't shine.”

Russell took a step closer and laid a hand on your shoulder, his eyes burning into you. “Be pissed at me all you want but I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“But you’re okay with your brother getting hurt?” You briefly glanced in Colter’s direction. The younger man was watching you two carefully as he adjusted his vest one last time, wisely choosing to stay out of this one. 

Russell’s jaw clenched and he dropped his hand. “I’ve got him.”

You snorted and grabbed a gun, loading it quickly. “And I’ve got both of you. Now, we’ve got a bit of a hike so let’s cut the chit chat and get this over with, shall we?” You motioned for Colter to turn around and you inserted an extra handgun into the back of his belt. “We stick together as a unit. You hear me? No wandering off alone.”

Colter faced you again. “Yes, Mom,” he teased.

You swatted at his shoulder before checking the fit of his vest, nodding in approval.

“I have done this before, you know.”

You knew that already. You’d been there with him a couple of times for such instances. “Good for you,” you quipped. “But for kicks, how about you just humor me?”

He rolled his eyes and you smirked, turning to slam the trunk shut. You glanced up to find Russell watching you, his jaw still tight but his eyes containing a familiar light that you hadn’t seen in a while. “You good?”

“Yep.” And just like that, the light hollowed out, replaced by something far colder yet familiar, but not because you’d seen it in his gaze. You’d seen it often enough in your own when looking into the mirror. 

Pushing that thought away and shifting focus, you began to lead the way into the trees. “Alright, let’s do this and get Doug home in time for breakfast.” Colter flanked you on your right while Russell came up on your left. 

“Let’s rock and roll,” he agreed. 

It hadn’t been as bad as you’d been expecting, even after you’d received the intel Colter had referred to on the phone. One guard and three henchmen. You were annoyed and almost insulted that they had presented so little a challenge considering Carlos Solano was supposed to be this big bad criminal. But when you glanced over and saw Colter looking over Russell’s bloody jacket sleeve, you regretted the thought and gratitude immediately filled you that things hadn’t been worse. Russell had taken a bullet to the arm and thankfully, it had passed right through. 

Before you could shoot the bastard that shot him, Colter and Russell were on it. You watched in awe as the brothers moved as a single unit, almost as if they hadn’t been strained or missed a beat over the years. You supposed you should be happy that they were working together rather than still arguing over shit from a lifetime ago that had torn their family apart. For Colter’s sake at least.

Just then, you heard what sounded like a small plane outside. You hurried to a window and glanced outside, seeing a rapidly descending charter plane aiming for the tiny landing strip in the back of the property. Right on time.

You let the curtain fall and looked back at the guys. “Time to go.”

Doug’s face was ashen while Colter and Russell exchanged glances. Immediately, Russell picked up his gun and got ready to leave the room.

You rushed to stop him. “There will be none of that!” 

“You guys get Doug back to the truck. I’ll handle this.”

You practically jogged around him, planting yourself in his path. “Not happening.”

He glared down at you. “Y/N, I need to close this up. Move.”

You scowled right back. “You’ve been shot.”

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.”

“I have to finish this.”

You refused to budge. “You are not finishing anything. You’re getting the hell out of here, that’s what you’re doing.” 

“Y/N—”

“Guys, not the time,” Colter interceded. “He’s getting off that plane any second now, so what’s the plan?”

“She’s right, man,” Doug added, making both of your gazes snap over at him. “We really need to go.”

Voices suddenly sounded outside and you all glanced towards the window.

“Shit,” you muttered, quickly checking the chamber on your gun. As you were about to head out of the room, a hand grasped gently under your chin and forced your eyes to meet Russell’s. You could see the pleading there but also a stone-cold resignation. “Go with Colter and Doug,” he urged, giving you a brief but strained smile. “I need you to go.” You felt the rough skin of his thumb on your cheek as he moved it tenderly back and forth.

You knew what he was really telling you, what he planned to do, but hell if you weren’t more infuriated with him. You were so sick of the self-sacrificial bullshit. Hadn’t it cost you enough? Cost you both?

You pulled away from him, giving him a glare. “I don’t think you understand,” you said in a tone so cold you were pretty sure you could give the winds in Antarctica a run for their money. “I’m taking Solano in and I am not leaving until I have my suspect alive and in custody.” Russell looked pissed but you couldn’t care less. Better than him being dead in the next two minutes.

You turned to face Colter and Doug so they also got the message. “This case is under Federal jurisdiction now.” Colter glanced between you and his brother who you turned back to face. “I’m bringing him in. Got it?”

Russell went to say something but didn’t get the chance. The sounds of gunfire erupted right outside the room and you all had to duck for cover. 

You secured your handcuffs around Carlos Solano’s wrists that had been forced behind his back once you shoved him into the chair in the room, purposely tightening the metal bracelets past the point of comfort. The man reacted, cursing you out as you smirked up at him. 

Getting to your feet, you focused on the Shaws and Doug. Russell watched you with a glare while Colter waited for you to speak. Doug looked downright terrified. They had helped you to take down Solano’s men who had flown with him — all three of them. Russell aimed for Solano but at the last second, you got in his way and tackled the criminal to the ground. Needless to say, he wasn’t happy with you. Oh well. The feeling was mutual.

Colter placed his hands on his hips. “Alright, so how are we getting him back to the truck? Are we just going to drag him through the woods and hope we don’t come across anybody else he might have coming here? How are we going to work this?”

You slipped your gun back into your holster. “He doesn’t have anyone else coming here and the plan is that you three are going to head back to the truck and get out of here. I’m going to wait for a pickup,” You gestured towards the window with your thumb where the landing strip could be seen. “They’re nearby, waiting for my call, and they won’t take long to get here.” You shook your phone in your hand, indicating you were going to be using it.

Russell glanced around, as if expecting Agents to start popping up out of the woodworks at any second, before his eyes settled back on you. “So you called this in after all?”

You shrugged. “You were going into a fully armed compound to rescue a hostage, a two-man team against a crime lord on the FBI’s Most Wanted list? Yeah, of course, I did.”

He shook his head, chuckling and muttering a curse under his breath. “Of course you did,” he echoed, shooting a look over at his brother. 

Colter’s gaze flickered back to you. “We’ll wait with you until they get here.”

You offered up a small smile. “I appreciate it but not necessary. I’ve got this until they get here and I do the handover.”

“But—”

“Look, you should get Doug out of here.” You inclined your head in the direction of the man who was staring dazedly at the floor. “You need to get him checked out and your brother should get his arm looked at.”

“I’m fine,” Russell interjected.

You ignored him. “I’ll be alright, Colter. Believe it or not, you tend to get experience with this kind of thing once or twice before becoming a Special Agent.” You meant it as a light-hearted reassurance but you could tell that both Shaw brothers were going to be a hard sell. At least Colter’s reasoning was up front and above board.

“I’m sure but I don’t feel comfortable leaving you alone. Not with him.” Colter gestured towards Solano who spit in his direction.

“I won’t be for long. But you guys need to get out of here. The Bureau can’t know you were involved in this.” You shot him a meaningful look. “For multiple reasons.”

The younger man looked as if he was going to protest again when you held up a hand. “Colter. You may not like it but you need to do as I’m telling you. If the Bureau finds any of you here…” You could tell that he didn’t care so much about himself but you let your eyes briefly flick in Russell’s direction, who was busy glaring at the man you had bound to the chair. You saw Colter’s expression immediately change and you knew you had succeeded in convincing him to vacate the area as soon as possible.

He nodded his head in assent. “Okay.” He laid a hand on Doug’s shoulder, prompting the man to look up at him, and urged him to start moving to the door.

“Okay? What do you mean okay?” Russell huffed.

Colter held up a hand. “Russell—”

“No.” Russell turned a glare on you. “Not okay. He’s a loose end that needs tying up. He knows who we are now, he came after Doug, and the FBI isn’t going to do shit with him.” You narrowed your eyes in a glare but he continued. “That’s not an insult. It’s the truth and you know it. They’re going to what? Get him to talk, to roll over on someone else he has connections to who’s higher up their food chain, and he gets off scot free? No, not happening on my watch.” 

He took a step forward and so did you, in front of Solano. You drew your gun but held it loosely across your waist, your finger on the trigger, ready and waiting should you need it. Russell stopped cold, his eyes flickering back and forth between you and the weapon in your hand. Colter and Doug were frozen, watching the scene unfold.

“I told you,” you said in the most deadly serious tone you could muster. “I’m taking him in, alive. If you have a problem with that, well…” You flipped the safety on the gun off. “You’ll have to go through me. And I promise you, my aim is a hell of a lot more accurate at close range than it’s ever been.”

Russell didn’t blink, he just kept scowling at you.

“Russ?” Colter called.

“Don’t make me kill you in front of him, Russell,” you murmured so only the two of you would hear. You were serious as a heart attack. No matter how you had felt about him once upon a time, this was important enough for you to make good on your threat if you needed to.

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would and it will be justified by the higher ups as protection of a high-valued target before your body goes cold.” You hated saying the words but it was nothing but the truth that you spoke. You hoped he heard the message underneath your words: walk away, this isn’t worth dying over. “And he’ll be further traumatized,” you inclined your head in Colter’s direction. “Losing his brother right in front of him, just like he lost his dad.” You knew that was a severely low blow but he also needed to hear you. 

As expected, Russell’s jaw clenched and you saw a twitch in the good arm he had, the one that was holding his gun. “Don’t be stupid and do that to him,” you warned. “Walk away.”

That cold look was back in his eyes again. You mentally prepared yourself for what was about to go down. You had hoped he wouldn’t force your hand but then again, Russell Shaw had always been the epitome of stubborn, usually to his own detriment…and yours.   

“Russell?” Colter tried again.

“Russ, come on, man. Let it be for now,” Doug added in, trying to help. “And let’s regroup.”

This time, Russell appeared to hear them both, his gaze breaking from yours momentarily, flickering over Solano behind you, who was laughing and smirking in the former’s direction, clearly enjoying the standoff over him. 

Russell’s eyes met yours again but this time, there was nothing familiar about the green you used to stare into when he’d sway with you on the dance floor to a slow song playing overhead or when you’d both wear matching sated grins and laugh, a pleasant exhaustion overtaking you as he pulled you into his arms in a motel bed. It was almost like staring into a dark void and you couldn’t help but wonder how often that void showed up during war or if the war created it — the old chicken or the egg question. Either way, you knew you’d succeeded in convincing him to leave, but you’d also have to watch yourself. There was no warmth left in those jade-colored orbs when they focused on you. You’d done your work well; you’d crossed a line that you could never go back from.

“Alright,” he capitulated, loud enough that the two men near the doorway heard him. He relaxed his arm and slipped his gun into a pocket in his vest. His face lightened a little and a strained smile worked its way across his face. He glanced back at his brother. “She’s right. We should get Doug out of here.” He turned back to face you, his smile fading. “She’s got this.” He then glanced in Solano’s direction, smirking right back. “I’ll see you soon,” he promised, giving him a finger gun and winking, before his expression became stone once more and he walked away, glaring at you as he did.

You lifted your chin, not reacting in the slightest, until Solano shouted out, “You’ll be seeing me? No, puta, I’ll be seeing you. You’ll never see it coming, you hear me? You’ll never see it co—” You spun a few degrees and pistol-whipped him, causing the jackass to cry out in pain before you turned back to face Doug and the two most important men in your life. “Get going,” you growled out, lifting your phone with your other hand as a subtle threat.

Colter gave you a nod, the concern still there in his dark brown gaze as he led Doug out the door. Russell’s eyes never left you, even when he walked out the door a moment later, following his little brother’s lead. You never looked away even when he was past the threshold. 

You ignored Solano’s yelling threats and kept your eyes on the spot you had last seen the Shaws disappear through a few minutes longer than needed, tense and ready in case Russell decided to double back. Though you highly doubted he’d come at you from the same angle. A part of you was making sure you stayed prepared in case there was an ambush, yes, but another part of you knew your gaze was lingering on the spot because you knew things had now drastically changed between you and Russell forever. He would never forgive your threats and you would never forgive yourself for having to make them. Though that remorse was more related to Colter than his brother. Regardless, when it came to the Shaws now, you were fucked. Not even Dory would want to hear from you, not that she had all that much before, but now it was definitely a no go. And that saddened you tremendously.

Hearing more of Solano’s threats, you recentered your focus on the task at hand and prepared to wait, giving him one more pistol whip for good measure, before you settled in and kept both eyes and ears open for any possible ambush that might come your way before you could finish up here. 

You leaned against the workstation next to the chair, waiting, gun still in hand and your eyes focused on it. You had waited a certain amount of time to allow the boys to get out of the area.

“The soldado was right, you know. They’re not going to hold me,” Solano bragged.

You briefly closed your eyes in annoyance. He had been talking ever since you were left alone with him. He had offered you money to let him go, offered you riches and power that you knew for a fact he had no business offering. He even had the nerve to propose making you one of his new lieutenants, citing your fighting skills and gun handling that he’d briefly witnessed. He knew you would be able to protect him because you had from the asesinos who had killed his brother. He then changed tactics, threatening you, your loved ones, the men who just left…now, he was boasting about how he would walk free and whatever charges were thrown at him wouldn’t stick. You just wished he would shut the hell up already. Needless to say, it had been a long twenty minutes. You now understood why his brother had been the businessman and he was only the muscle willing to do the dirty work. His bargaining skills were for shit, not that it mattered in the scheme of things. No deals were being made today.

“I offer them a little bit of money and they’ll just make the case go away. Just like that.”

You checked your watch. Twenty two minutes now. That was good enough. You slowly got to your feet and moved past him to look out the window. You had purposely moved his chair out of the sight of the glass, in case Russell got any ideas.

“That’s how it works here in America. Everybody knows that. If the criminals have money and power, they don’t stay in jail.”

You ignored him, glancing around to see if there was any movement outside. You didn’t see any. 

“They won’t keep me locked up. They weren’t able to in my home country. What makes you think they’ll be able to here? Where corruption is ripe and anyone can be bought? And then I’ll be coming for you and for your friends. You will wish for death long before I am through with you.”

You made your way to another window, lifting the curtain and looking around. Still nothing.

“There’s no point in bringing me to jail. It will never hold me.”

You lowered the curtain and squared your shoulders, turning to face his direction. You focused on him, staring right into his eyes. “You know, I think you’re right.”

Solano seemed pleasantly surprised for a moment, thinking you were finally stupid enough to take one of his offers, before his eyes narrowed with realization. “No, wait—”

You quickly lifted your gun and squeezed off a round. His head snapped back from the force and the space behind him was spattered with red among other things. One glance confirmed your aim had been accurate; he was dead. Right through the eye. What you’d said to Russell earlier hadn’t been an exaggeration; you were much more accurate at close range than you’d ever been.

You slipped a pair of gloves on that you pulled from your pants pocket and immediately started unzipping the small compartments on the side of your vest where you usually kept extra ammo in a raid, pulling out small white bottles that weren’t sporting any labels. You began to squirt the liquid from inside them all around the room, dousing Solano’s body with a healthy amount.

You continued into the house, having quite a few bottles of lighter fluid to empty out in specific areas that would help achieve your goal. Arson wasn’t your preferred route but it did get rid of pesky little things like hair and DNA, and what it didn’t, it contaminated which would make it harder for not only law enforcement but the justice system to work with. Though you weren’t too worried about either looking at this particular house fire too closely.

You didn’t bother collecting any bullet casings, knowing that your gun and the ones you’d given Colter to use would be untraceable even if they somehow managed to get a hold of any of the weapons (which they wouldn’t). And Russell’s gun…you figured he had that handled. The only thing you did collect were your handcuffs. 

You also didn’t bother staging anything for the scene. There was already enough evidence that pointed to the theory that Solano’s own men had turned on him and a gunfight ensued, resulting in the multiple dead bodies. While an arson specialist would most likely be able to tell that an accelerant had been used, there was no way for them to confirm just who had been present for this battle and who had gotten away. Satellite imagery would be shoddy at best due to the foliage cover (and eventual smoke) but still, you planned to set the fire and make your getaway out the back, crossing over the landing strip so if they went back to look for any heat signatures after the fire started, it would be one person leaving the scene alive, the person they would assume had started the blaze. There were no nearby neighbors to immediately call first responders but that didn’t mean smoke wouldn’t be seen from the sky from miles away or that a fiery orange blaze in the distance wouldn’t be noticed by residents of another vacation home or cars traveling the backroads in the area. Since you planned to go into the deep woods and take the long roundabout route back to your car, you weren’t too worried about your path being followed.

Once you had completed all of your tasks, you used the fireplace to help, moving the grate out of the way, starting a fire, and then knocking a fiery log onto the wooden flooring. You used a lighter to set flammable materials that you could find to add to the flames. Only when the room was nearly engulfed did you finally slip a beanie from your pocket, cover your head fully, and make your way out of the house. Once at the landing strip, you ducked under the plane, making sure you couldn’t be seen from above. 

You watched as the flames consumed the house. Once the smoke was sufficient, flames were ragings out of the windows, and the sound of breaking glass could be heard, you knew it was time for you to vacate the vicinity before the sirens started up. It was fortunate that most people were asleep at this hour but the sun was due to come up not too long from now and you had a long trek ahead of you, so you needed to get moving.

You kept your head down and made your way into the woods surrounding the property line. 

The sun was breaching the horizon and quickly warming the sky by the time you made it back to your car. You were relieved that Colter’s truck was gone and you needed to quickly make tracks as well. Sirens had started up an hour ago and you needed to get the hell out of Dodge before the cops were all over these roads. You tossed your weapons and vest into the trunk and got in the car. You slipped your beanie off your head, tossing it onto the seat next to you, and started the engine.

Just as you had expected, cops were everywhere but thankfully, you had timed it just right and gotten out before they could block all of the mountain roads. Once you were back in town a few hours later and a certain distance away, you pulled a phone out of your glove compartment you kept there for emergencies and turned it on. You pressed a button and it immediately dialed the number programmed — the only number you had saved on this device. 

It rang once before the same voice from yesterday picked up. “Is it done?”

“We’re clear,” you confirmed. “It’s been handled.”

“Shaw?”

Your jaw clenched. You knew that despite how you and Russell had left things earlier, you would do whatever it took to keep him breathing. “He’s a soldier. He follows orders.”

“He wasn’t so willing to follow orders in this situation.”

“You know what they’re taught. Leave no man behind. He got his man so he’ll be fine. Things can go back to how they were. He’s not going to be an issue and he’s clean, just like you wanted.”

And then you were asked the one question you didn’t want to hear. “And the brother? What’s your assessment?”

The knuckles of your free hand gripped your steering wheel so tightly that you could see how white your skin turned from the pressure. “Non-issue. He has no interest in you.”

“He seemed interested yesterday.”

You forced yourself to remain calm and nonchalant. “He’s paid to be nosy when someone goes missing so he can get them found. He found who he was looking for, he was able to keep the promise to the guy’s wife — it’s over for him. The case is closed, it’s as simple as that for him. He’s no threat.”

You waited to hear a response, holding your breath and your hand gripping the wheel even tighter, your body tensed. This would be what decided your fate. Either you would be allowed to go on as before or you’d be going on a mission up against one of the top private security contractor firms in the world which wouldn’t end well for you. But you’d take out whoever you could with you before you were killed.

Another moment passed before the voice replied, “Understood.”

Your body relaxed slightly and your shoulders sunk in relief. Colter was safe. Russell was safe…for now. And you didn’t have to go all Rambo Kamikaze on anyone. Win-win all around.

“I’ll let the higher ups know the situation has been contained. Good work. We’ll be in touch.”

Without waiting for a response from you, the call disconnected. You quickly shut the phone off and tossed it back into its original spot. You let out a deep breath and the exhaustion from the past twelve hours immediately overtook your body. Deciding that returning to your place was not an option for you right now, you headed to another part of town, parked your car on the street some blocks away to the nearest motel, and using a baseball cap to cover your hair along with sunglasses, you hoofed it and then booked a room, paying cash and using a fake name. Once you set up everything you needed to in your quarters, you slipped onto the mattress and got some much needed rest, keeping your gun under your pillow within reach should you need it.

You pulled up to Colter’s trailer, watching as he stepped outside to greet you. You put your car in park, took a deep breath, and got out. You offered Colter a small smile. “Hey.”

He returned it. “Hey.”

You had been surprised when Colter called you a few days later to let you know he was still in town for a bit and invited you to drop by for a beer. Not surprised that he was still around (you already knew that) but surprised that he even wanted to speak to you. Perhaps Russell hadn’t told him what you’d threatened back in the mountains.

You took the beer he offered to you and followed him over to the firepit, taking a seat on one of the coolers. He sat nearby and held up his bottle in a toast. You mirrored him and then you both took a sip. You nearly sighed in satisfaction as the carbonated beverage slid down your throat. You enjoyed the taste and checked the label. “Mmm, home brew…not bad. You got something you want to tell me? Planning on opening some sort of brewery outfit anytime soon?” You were teasing but if Colter really was thinking of doing something else — anything else — instead of his current job, you’d fully support it.

“Not me.” Disappointment flared in your chest, your hope dashed. “Russ was actually the one who made it. I had some left over from the other night.”

The beer suddenly began to sour in your stomach. Well, you supposed it was good that Russell was starting to think of the future, the most important part of that being that there would be one. It still burned a bit, though.

You decided to change the subject so you wouldn’t have to think about that right then. “So, your guy is back home safe?”

Colter nodded. “Dropped him off myself.” Something else you already knew but you had to keep up appearances.

You nodded, biting your lip and staring into the flames. “And your brother?”

Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed Colter’s jaw tense for a moment. “Gone.” Though you had an idea that was the case, Colter’s confirmation still stung, like someone poking a finger into an old wound after ripping the scar tissue away. But what else had you expected? This was Russell Shaw you two were talking about after all.

You snorted and shook your head, taking another swig of beer. “Of course he is.”

He turned to look at you. “You know, you never told me what happened between you two.”

You shrugged a shoulder. “Not worth going into, trust me.”

Thankfully, Colter left it alone and he rolled with it when you brought up a different topic instead. 

“So, how much longer are you here for?”

“Teddi and Velma are working on that right now actually. Hopefully, something pops up soon.” He took another sip of beer, turning to gaze at the flames as well.

“It will.” Fortunately for him and sadly for others, someone would always go missing.

“How about you? Are they sending you somewhere for a new case or are they going to let you stay local for a bit? If it’s the latter, maybe you could get a dog for that place of yours?”

You smirked and ran your thumb down the smooth glass of the brown bottle in your hand. Colter kept teasing you about the residence you maintained nearby considering you were never really there most of the time. He’d then extoll the virtues of living on the open road, not having roots put down anywhere that would grow into expectations, and the unrestrained thrill of it all. The first time you’d had that conversation, you knew then that the desire to keep moving and stay unburdened must be a male Shaw thing. Dory seemed happy where she had settled and you — you wanted a home base. Some place you could come back to where you were still able to connect to yourself again, no matter how lost at sea you might be at times, no matter how much you felt as if every single piece of you was floating away on the wind until only a monster was left standing there, staring back at you in the rearview mirror of your car.

“Right now, I have a few things I need to close up,” you lied. “Then I’ll probably get sent out in the field again to work some cases.” You hated lying to him but you had no choice. His safety came first. As much as you had hated Russell for a time, you could now appreciate the difficult position he was in. Though, he had chosen to be put there, and now, so had you. 

You watched Colter nod, accepting your answer. “I still think a German Shepherd would be a great choice for you,” he teased. “You know, a big dog, trainable, would make a good guard dog. You could take it with you, chase suspects down together...”

“Oh yeah, I could see it now,” you played along. “I’d have to sneak him into hotel rooms, make sure he doesn’t take a shit on the rug… Then we’d go on the job and I could introduce him to everyone, ‘I’m Special Agent Y/L/N but you can call me Turner and this is my partner Hooch.’”

Colter winced. “No, no. You have to give him a name that will strike fear into the hearts of the criminals you track down. Like General or Commando or Killer. Killer! Now that’s a good name. That will make anyone think twice about running from a dog with that name.”

This time, you were the one who winced though you hid it well. Instead, you forced out a laugh. “I am not getting a huge dog named Killer and bringing him to work with me.”

He grinned. “That’s a shame. I would have loved to have seen the look on your face when the dog would sit in the front seat.”

“There would be no front seat sitting. Back seat only.”

“Like a criminal who he just helped you to arrest? That’s cold, even for you.”

“I am so glad that you have this imaginary dog of mine’s back.”

He snickered and took a drink, looking back at the flames. Your smile slowly faded as you did the same. You both sat there, drinking in a companionable silence for a bit.

Eventually, your eyes flickered over towards him. “I need you to promise me something.”

His brows drew together questioningly when he met your gaze.

“Horizon…” You noticed him tense slightly at the mention. “No more.” When you saw the confusion in his expression, you elaborated. “No more digging, no more Reenie asking her contacts about them, no more mention of them period. You got the guy you were looking for. Now, put it to bed and forget that you ever knew they existed.”

His confusion increased. “I did put it to bed the second I dropped Doug off at his door and saw him hug his wife.”

You gave him a look. “Col, I need you to promise me,” you softly entreated. 

His brows arched slightly at the use of the nickname; you didn’t use it often and if you were, then he knew you meant business. He also knew what you were telling him without explicitly saying it; Horizon was dangerous and they were better left alone. It would be better for him to get a case of sudden amnesia about anything related to the organization.

He watched you for a moment before giving you a nod. “As long as nobody else goes missing like Doug did and as long as Russ is okay, they’re forgotten.”

You knew that was the best you were going to get from him and you leaned forward slightly. “And if anything happens to Russ, I’ll be right there with you, knocking on their front door,” you promised. And you would be; no question about it.

The corner of his lips tipped up in the beginning of a smile and after a moment, you couldn’t help but return it. 

The coffee shop you were in was decently quiet considering it was around 8:55 in the morning and most people were making their last minute dashes for caffeine before the working day began. You sat near the window, facing the entrance so you could keep an eye on who came in and out. You had ordered your usual, a soy vanilla latte, and you carefully sipped at the hot liquid. You scanned your phone for the day’s headlines, looking for any updates on the mysterious house fire that started in the mountains a few nights ago.  

You knew you wouldn’t find any and sure enough, you didn’t. Someone was working overtime to squash the case from up above, just like you knew they would. You also knew that some local law enforcement officials didn’t buy the criminals-turning-on-their-boss theory and they actually thought the scene looked like a professional hit. Exactly what you figured would happen when accelerants had been found to be used at the scene. As much as you were sure the cops were looking to sink their teeth into something exciting to happen in those parts in however long, the bottom line was the case would get dropped and no one was going to care what happened to a violent criminal like Carlos Solano. The FBI would actually be relieved to remove one more name from their list, one more file from their desks. One more dangerous bad guy removed from the world that threatened American citizens as well as national security. No one was going to miss the murderous bastard.

You powered down your screen and placed your phone on the table, turning to glance out the window. That was when you saw him. Well, the reflection of him. 

You watched as he walked towards you, still dressed in a ratty pair of jeans and old boots, wearing another t-shirt with a different musician on it while sporting an open button-up over it, and donning that old military style jacket. His eyes were intent on you and you had to wonder how he had gotten in without you seeing him. The answer was in the reflection of someone walking past him to get to the bathrooms in the rear of the cafe. There was no exit located near there, you knew that because this was a local spot of yours, so how did he… Shit.

Even though you watched him in the glass and he watched you back, you didn’t give anything away to alert him that you knew he was there. You started calculating in your head how many people stood in between you and the front door (your only exit at this point), how much force you would have to use to catch him off guard and knock him to the ground so you could make your escape, and how fast you would have to run to your car. You even had a moment to debate drawing your gun and your badge, and making a scene to get yourself out of this mess. But all of that proved to be for naught when he came to a stop near you and announced his presence by asking, “This seat taken?”

You slowly turned to face him, arching an inquisitive brow, but you eventually shook your head. His lips twitched into the beginning of a smirk and he took the seat across from you. His eyes were a lot lighter than they were the other day as they took you in. “Looking good, Y/N. Like always.”

Your eyes narrowed. “Really?”

He shrugged and reached for your coffee, taking the lid off. You hated it when he did this, the whole sharing coffee thing; now you would need to order another one…well, depending on how this impromptu meeting went. “What, I can’t tell my girl that she looks good?” He took a sip and made a face. “How do you still drink this crap? It tastes like foam mixed with shit.”

“And free garbage coffee from the lobby of the latest scuzzy motel you’re staying in doesn’t?”

“Hey, don’t knock it. They have real nice machines now and it tastes the way coffee should. Not like this bullshit.”

You watched as he grabbed a spoon, added some sugar, and began stirring the crap out of what had once been your perfect latte. You thought over what he’d said before. “I’m not your girl, Russell.” His eyes met yours. “I haven’t been for some time now.”

He finished stirring and removed the spoon, lifting the glass to take a sip. “You’ll always be my girl.”

You snorted and lifted a finger in the air to signal to the barista that you wanted another coffee. The kid gave you a nod and turned to make it. “Is that what you tell yourself when you’re hooking up with cheerleaders-turned-dental-hygienists in hot tubs?”

Russell pressed his lips together and looked appropriately chastised, not even bothering to deny it. “Colter told you. I should’ve known he would mention it. You two were always close like that.”   

You didn’t confirm or deny that. There was no point in mentioning that Colter hadn’t been the one to tell you, not intentionally anyway. Instead, you leaned forward in your chair. “What do you want, Russell?”

“I wanted to talk to you.”

“About what?” You snapped. You had been on edge, thinking he was here to either kill you or threaten you. Then him hitting on you and making that asinine and incredibly presumptuous statement bothered you more than you cared to admit. Not to mention he pissed you off when he took the latte you’d decided to treat yourself with after a few difficult days (without even asking you might add), knowing how that had irked you anytime he did it when you were dating. It was like the man was begging you to put a foot in his ass.

Russell glanced around briefly before removing something from inside his jacket. It was a folded up newspaper and he slapped it down in front of you. A picture of a burnt out structure stared back up at you with the headline reading above it “House Fire Claims 8 Lives, Sheriff Confirms Arson”. Your eyes met his and in that moment, you knew that he knew.

You refused to give it away just like that, though. If he wanted the truth, he’d have to work for it. He wasn’t getting anything for free, not from you, not anymore. You gave him a smirk. “Is this your way of telling me that you’ve finally learned to read, Russ? I’m impressed, really.”

Instead of being insulted, his eyes widened slightly. “You called me Russ.”

You sat back in your chair, pushing the newspaper away from you and prying eyes, waiting for the barista making his way over to you to deliver your coffee. “Slip of the tongue. Won’t happen again.” You smiled at the young kid in thanks when he placed the drink down in front of you and promptly slid your glass out of Russell’s reach. He saw it and immediately worked to smother a smile as the kid walked away.

“So, you got any more interesting tricks I should know about?”

Without any preamble, Russell said, “Solano’s dead,” the exact second you took a sip of your new coffee. If he was expecting any reaction to the news, he was in for disappointment when you didn’t give it.

“Yes, I heard. Quite unfortunate.”

“They’re all dead actually. Even that guard we subdued in the beginning.”

You remembered; you’d been the one to kill him after all. Once Russell and Colter got to their feet after knocking the guard out and started moving towards the house, you quietly pulled a knife and slipped the blade into the side of the man’s head. You’d cut his zip ties, removed them and the gag, and then caught up to the guys — all within seconds. You had made sure to move the guard’s body inside later, right before you’d started the fire, trying your best to get rid of any drag marks you’d left on the ground. You were there to clean up the mess, not leave witnesses, even if they had never seen any of you coming.

You nodded. “I know, I heard that, too. Is there a point here somewhere or can I get back to the nice morning I was having before you showed up to steal my coffee?”

Russell was the one to lean forward this time, lowering his voice even further. “You said you were calling in the FBI for a pickup. Who did you really call?”

You could tell he was trying to give you an out, an opportunity to explain that it wasn’t what he was thinking, and maybe you should have lied your ass off…but you no longer wanted to. You knew Russell; he wasn’t going to let this go until he had an answer that he deemed to be the truth. And while you could give him a distorted version of that truth that didn’t land at your feet, a petty part of you wanted him to know. 

“Y/N?” He pressed. “Who did you call?”

You sat back in your chair, considering him for a moment before you spoke. “No one.”

Russell dropped his head, briefly closing his eyes. “Fuck, I was afraid of that.” He glanced up at you, his eyes full of a sadness you hadn’t seen in some time. You knew he wouldn’t be happy if he ever found out the truth, but not to this extent. “I told you to walk away and let me handle it.” His voice was softer, not as gruff as before. You realized then that you’d accomplished what that vindictive side of you had wanted all along, ever since the day he walked away; you’d hurt him and caused him pain. Pain that you could see clear as day lining his face right now. He wasn’t even trying to hide it. And quite frankly, that pain caught you off guard. After all of this time, this is what it took for him to feel even a sliver of what you’d felt back in the day when he’d left you bleeding, your heart torn from your chest and sitting in pieces on the floor he’d just casually walked over to get to the door?

Not really sure what to make of this development or the emotions it caused to rise up within you, you went into pure professional mode and forged ahead. “The three of you didn’t need to be involved.” You could see the pain getting worse and it made you uncomfortable, something prodding at your chest and itching at your skin that you really didn’t care for. “Besides, last I checked, I don’t take orders from you, Shaw.” You threw his last name in there as a last resort to put even more distance there between you.

His eyes flicked from the newspaper to you. “Who do you take orders from then? Something tells me this wasn’t FBI-sanctioned.” 

You surreptitiously glanced around you before leaning in, lowering your voice.“You know, going to your handler’s house during her kid’s birthday party was a pretty bad idea. Ann really didn’t like that.” You watched as Russell’s eyes widened slightly before his face fell, a dreaded realization filling his expression. He had never mentioned her name to you before and he knew Colter hadn’t mentioned her to you either when giving you the rundown of what they knew before meeting up in the mountains. You sat back, tensed and ready for whatever came next. 

His jaw clenched. “How long?” He ground out.

“Long enough.”

You kept your gaze trained on his and you did your best to read him, trying to assess what he might do, now that the pain was all but absent since your revelation. Would he tell you to watch your back and leave? Would he tell you to stay away from Colter for good? It was hard to gauge from the way he was staring at you right then. You could see anger bubbling underneath but you also caught something coming to the surface that strangely looked like remorse. Considering you hadn’t seen that emotion on him too often, it was tough to be sure in your identification of it. And then something flickered in his eyes right then, something so fast you almost didn’t catch it, but you did. Fear that quickly dissolved into determination. You braced yourself for whatever he would say or do; this was it. This would determine your next steps.

Instead, he surprised you once more. He snatched the newspaper up and slipped it back into his jacket, before reaching over and taking your hand in his. “I’m getting you out of here. Now. Let’s go.”

Stunned, you wordlessly got to your feet but then it hit you, you were about to go somewhere alone with him. Not that you couldn’t handle yourself but he had still been Special Ops once upon a time and he killed people for a living…just like you. 

“Russell, I’m not—”

“Yes, you are,” he growled. “I’m getting you as far from here as I can. I’ve got a buddy who has a cabin in upstate New York. It’s got months-long supplies, power and running water, and a small armory. You’ll be safe there until this whole thing blows over.”

You yanked your hand out of his and grabbed your phone and jacket. “I’m plenty safe here. I have no reason to run, so I’m staying. You want to leave? Go right ahead. We both know it’s what you’re best at.” The sadness was back but you looked away from it. Yes, that had been another low blow but it was also well-deserved. You moved past him, refusing to look over your shoulder even once. There was no way he’d do anything out in the open; he wouldn’t dare risk it, especially now.

You slipped into your car, not surprised in the least when Russell got in on the other side before you could even think about locking the doors.

“What are you doing?” You hissed.

“What’s it look like?” He clicked his seatbelt. “I’m staying with you until you agree to my plan to get you someplace safe or you explain how the hell this even happened.” He pulled out the newspaper, holding it up for a moment before tossing it to the floor. You could see the determined set to his jaw and you knew he meant it. 

“Russell,” You pinched the bridge of your nose. “I do not have time for this.” You blew out a quiet breath and turned to face him. “Now I suggest you get out of my car or—”

“You’ll shoot me?” He shot you a look. Yeah, he was still pissed about the threats you’d made a few nights ago. You supposed you couldn’t blame him but you did what you had to do to get him and his brother out of there. You had regrets but they were slim. “We both know you won’t.”

That infuriated you and had you seething. “You think I won’t?”

“I know you won’t. Just like I know that no matter how much you tell yourself that you hate me, you really don’t.”

You scoffed out a laugh in disbelief. “Wow, you really are incredibly delusi—”

“I also know you would never do that to my brother.” Your glare in his direction intensified. “You’ve always been protective of him. Just like me.” A glimmer of a fond smile worked its way onto his bearded face.

Your jaw clenched and you looked away from him, back towards the coffee shop you had just stormed out of, your grip tightening on your steering wheel. It was true; you’d always looked out for Colter in some way ever since you’d gotten to know him through Russell. 

While the relationship between the brothers had been strained for years, it didn’t mean that there hadn’t been a couple of times where Dory hadn’t attempted to get them into a room together to try to fix what had been broken. In one such instance, Russell had brought you along, after shocking you by asking you two nights before to accompany him. The man had spent over a decade in the military, worked Special Ops, and there wasn’t much he was afraid of, if at all. But when you were wrapping leftovers to throw into the fridge and he’d laid a hand on your shoulder, turning you to face him, you’d never seen Russell Shaw look so worried, vulnerable, and damn near terrified in all of the time you’d known him. You’d even felt it when he’d enfolded you into his arms and whispered into your ear that he was due to meet up with his family in the next two days, asking you to come with him. How could you say no to that? You knew of the family’s tragic history and the simmering tensions that still existed between the Shaws who were still alive; Russell had told you everything, even about how his mom had hung him out to dry (though he made excuses for her which made you grind your teeth). And for him to ask you to go, to meet his family, you knew then just how important this was for him. So you went, squeezed his hand in silent support whenever he appeared to need it, and did your best to provide distraction whenever things got a little too tense or heated. Dory didn’t care for you too much; you got the distinct feeling that she wasn’t happy Russell had brought an interloper to a family-only discussion. But Colter…Colter you got along with from the start. 

Colter seemed happier to talk to you than his brother and you could tell that bothered Russell tremendously. He had told you once how much he missed his siblings at times, especially his little brother, and he would never stop hoping to patch things up with them one day. Sure enough, he tried to interject into the conversation a few times with you helping as much as you could, but each time Colter shut him down. It was blatantly obvious that the younger man wanted nothing to do with him and there was definitely some resentment still floating around after years of estrangement. Needless to say, things hadn’t ended well at that dinner and you weren’t surprised that Russell drank a little heavier that night. Nor were you surprised when he grasped at you in the hotel room and pulled you to him, his lips claiming yours as he began unbuttoning your shirt and moving you towards the bed. You knew he was hurting and you let him take solace in you as you whispered loving assurances in his ear. 

After that, Colter surprised you by calling you a couple of months down the road, apologetically asking for your help on a case he had picked up. Though he didn’t know you well, he was in a rough spot and needed a helping hand, particularly a Federal one. You saw the opportunity for what it had been, an opening of a possible door between him and Russell, so you took it. You helped Colter as much as you could without risking being read the riot act by your superior, and you two got to know each other better as you worked together. It happened a few more times and you had even called Colter in to assist on a case of your own that you had snagged. You had gone for beers afterwards each time and you’d tried your best to talk to him, to convince him to give Russell a chance. He hadn’t been interested, was resistant to it even, but he liked you and he was starting to trust you a little more each time. He’d even reluctantly admitted once that he was glad his brother had you, immediately following up with “He better be treating you right, though.” You had simply smiled and assured him that Russell very much was. 

You didn’t mention the odd absences a few times a month (sometimes with little to no warning), the radio silence during these stints, and the avoidance of any penetrating questions upon his return — all of it that had become conditional to your relationship by that point. And Russell certainly wasn’t happy at all to find out you’d been working with Colter once you told him. You both had arguments before like any common couple but nothing like this. You had never seen him so angry and he’d laughed when you told him he had no need to be jealous if that was what he was worried about, you loved him and you were trying to make things better for the both of them, to pave the way for him to be able to make peace with his brother. 

“You just don’t get it.” 

He had shaken his head and glared over at you before he walked out of the room, away from you. From then on, Russell became even more secretive, distant, and cold as ice. Gone was the easy affection, heart to heart talks, and playful banter between you. Gone were the tender touches, gentle kisses, and passionate sex. The love of your life turned into a stranger right before your very eyes. It hadn’t been too long after that when he’d left for good, leaving your heart shattered on your hardwood floor. As time passed, you were surprised he hadn’t just packed up and left in the middle of the night while you were sleeping, without a single word to you and completely ghosting you, since he had been intent on leaving you in his past. It might have been kinder actually compared to the things he’d said to you as a final goodbye before walking away for good. 

So whenever you had dared to think back on it over the last few years, you’d always figured the fight over Colter had contributed in some way to the rapid unraveling of your relationship. Well, that fight and…other things.

“Let’s go somewhere we can talk,” Russell urged, breaking you out of your thoughts. “Come on, Y/N, you owe me that at least.”

You turned the most menacing glare on him that was possible for you to give someone. “I don’t owe you shit,” you bit out. How dare he say that? To you of all people?  

His jaw tightened and after a moment, he agreed with a soft nod. “Fair enough.” 

You broke away from his intent gaze a minute later, your decision made as you turned the car on. “You know what? If this will get you out of my life for good this time, then fine. Let’s talk. And don’t be so sure I won’t shoot you afterwards should you continue to piss me off. You’re right, I do care about Colter,” You scowled over at him. “But not that deeply.”

Russell matched your scowl but wisely kept quiet as you backed your car out of your parking spot. You felt an immediate surge of guilt for having said that about his younger brother. You did care about Colter, more than you would ever admit to anyone, even your ex. There was nothing remotely romantic between you two; there never had been and there never would be. But Russell had been right; you were protective of him. Not only because he was a good man but he also reminded you of someone you had lost long ago. You would bend over backwards to keep him safe (as safe as you could given his chosen career), even if it meant putting yourself in harm’s way. He had truly become like a brother to you. 

But you had also meant what you said just now. If Russell continued to irritate you, there was no way he was leaving this time without you putting a bullet in him. Right in his ass before the door could hit it when he turned his back on you for the last time. That or a good old fashioned ass kicking in the form of your right hook. After everything he’d done, he deserved nothing less.  

You pulled up to a local motel that you had booked a room at the last few days, in case you needed to close up shop and haul ass out of town quickly. It wasn’t the same establishment you had gone to the morning of the fire and you still had your place thirty minutes away, but you had learned it was always best to prepare for any eventuality. Especially after a job needing to be done so close to home. You had seen what happened with Doug; who was to say Horizon wouldn’t leave you out to dry, too, should the heat from the fire get a little too close?

You got out and headed over to the door, unlocking it and stepping inside, not looking back to see if Russell was following you. Neither of you had spoken on the ride over (which was probably for the best) and you didn’t glance at him once. Instead, you had done your damndest to tamp down the fury you felt racing through your veins as more and more memories played out in your mind. Now that Russell had a vague idea of the truth of what you had been doing all of this time, everything you had ever wanted to say to him seemed to be trying to rush to the surface as well as all of the pain you had endured.

You slipped your suit jacket off and tossed it onto the bedspread. You heard the door shut behind you and you spun around, seeing Russell’s eyes scanning the room, stopping on the bed, and then lifting to you. You scoffed and unbuttoned the sleeves of your blouse, rolling them up to your forearms. “Not happening so don’t even think about it,” you hissed.

“Wasn’t going there.”

You didn’t believe him. “Right.” You took a seat at the table and impatiently gestured to the seat across from you. “Well?”

He sat down and without missing a beat, dove right in. “How the hell did this even happen, Y/N?”

“Really? That’s what you’re starting out with?”

Russell shot you a look.

You let out an aggravated sigh and sat back in your chair, crossing your legs and getting comfortable. “I was recruited, not too long after you left.”

His jaw dropped. “They approached you?”

Nodding, your jaw tightened thinking back to that time. It wasn’t a memory you liked revisiting. You were at your lowest, Russell having just walked out like the four and a half years you’d spent together hadn’t meant a damn thing to him. He had been it for you. You had put everything you had into the relationship, which proved to be a difficult balancing act sometimes between your career at the Bureau and Russell’s job that he wouldn’t tell you too much about. You both had overcome so much together…all for him to tell you that he simply didn’t love you anymore, give you a shitty apology, and walk right out the door years later. Like you had simply been an amusing distraction, nothing more. Like you had merely been a stopping point in his journey and now he was bored and moving on. The breakup would’ve hurt regardless but the cold detached manner he’d spoken to you with caused more pain than you would have ever been willing to admit. It was a good thing you had already become a Special Agent by then, not stuck to any one location or field office, given how often you were hungover for some weeks there. You had attempted to track him down (which hadn’t been easy) to try to talk to him, to make him see reason; you didn’t believe that he had stopped loving you just like that. But when you had finally located him, he had been holed up in a dingy motel, similar to this one, but he wasn’t alone. That had hurt beyond words and it had taken everything for you not to say anything, not to let him see you, and turn back around, heading home with your tail between your legs and your head hanging in heartbroken defeat. 

None of it made sense to you. How had your life changed so drastically in a single day? Perhaps you had never really known Russell Shaw. Perhaps you only saw what he wanted you to see. But when you replayed the last few weeks of your relationship, even the fight over Colter, something still wasn’t jiving. So you buried yourself in work during the day and as deep into the bottle as you could during the late nights. Until they showed up.

“And you said yes?” He asked in disbelief.

Your eyes flicked to Russell, narrowing. “Why not? You did.”

He pressed his lips together. You had him there and he knew it. “That was different.”

“How?” You snapped. “Exactly how is that different, Russell?”

“I joined them long before you and I met.” Yeah, you knew that now. You knew everything he hadn’t told you the time you’d been together, minus the actual details of the off the books missions he went on. You now knew why Doug had never told Tracy anything either. Not only were they not allowed to, but It was safer that way.

“Well, bully for you, Shaw. You’ve got a few years on me at being a black ops agent and you’ve racked up a few more bodies than I have. Told way more lies, too. Congrats. Do we get you a cake or…?”

He leaned forward, covering your hand with his. “Stop. Just…talk to me,” he pleaded gently.

You hated it when he did that because you hated that it still affected you on some deep level. You rolled your eyes and moved your hand from underneath his, placing it in your lap. “They approached me about six months out from when you left.”

“Who approached you?”

Yeah, you weren’t giving him that. If you did, you knew he’d be on their doorstep in a second and that you couldn’t have. Not after you had just cleaned up the Solano mess and smoothed things over. “Doesn’t matter.”

“It does to me.” You knew that, could see it in his expression, but too bad. You both were in it now, had signed NDA’s, and details like that were meant to stay confidential anyway. 

“Someone did and that’s all you're getting.” You gave him a meaningful look. “Regardless, they offered me a job and I took it.”

You watched as Russell’s features tightened. “And the FBI thing?”

“Still active, though I’m now kept more as an ear to the ground, providing information and cleanup when need be.” You noticed a slight wince cross across his face. “They’re the ones I answer to and they’ve chosen to keep me there for the time being. I’m more effective in that setup.” Those words from your handler still burned you but over time, you had been able to adapt and utilize their refusal to fully bring you in to your advantage.

“And Solano and his men? Were they cleanup?”

You didn’t break away from his penetrating gaze and gave it to him straight. “You and Doug made quite a mess of things. So, yes, I was called in to clean it up.” He briefly closed his eyes in the same pain you had seen earlier, though you couldn’t fathom why. It had been nearly three years since he’d last professed to give a shit about you. Why would this even affect him? “Horizon wanted you kept clean and Doug was on his own. Then you idiotically showed up at Ann’s residence, not only tipping them off to the fact that you were sniffing around where you shouldn’t have been but then you allowed Colter to threaten them. You had to know that was going to ruffle quite a few feathers and put a target on your backs.”

His jaw clenched again and that dark void was back in his gaze. His fingers twitched near his phone and you knew he was itching to call his brother to check on him. “And they sent you to clean that up, too?”

You slowly shook your head. “No.” If they had, you wouldn’t be sitting here right now. Most likely, you’d be dead while Colter and Russell would hopefully be on the run or have gone into hiding. “Only to assess what threats you both posed to the organization.”

“And what was your assessment?” He watched you carefully. In this moment, you weren’t former lovers. You were two people with lethal skills and training, willing to do whatever it took to keep your loved ones safe, even from each other. 

You never broke away from his gaze, watching him back just as carefully. “What do you think?”

He stayed quiet for a moment, looking pensive and most likely turning your words over in his mind. You weren’t going to say it but knowing that gnawing feeling of constantly worrying about someone you cared deeply about, you wanted to make sure you both were on the same page of this topic. “And, Russell, if they had sent me for that, I never would.” His gaze immediately met yours. “Ever,” you promised. 

His eyes roamed over your face, most likely assessing if you were bullshitting him or telling the truth. Obviously having decided on the latter, after a minute or so, he gave you a nod. “How do you know they accepted your assessment, though? There’s no way they don’t know about you and Colter, you and me…”

This time, your jaw was the one clenching. Yeah, you were made aware of that fact when you had been approached for recruitment. That was how they knew about you, your career as a Federal agent, and how you had been involved with Russell once upon a time. When you found out more about Horizon from the inside, it didn’t surprise you one bit how deeply they dove into the background of their candidates or the amount of information they gathered on them. You’d even helped put together a few files yourself, without fully knowing what unit the candidates were being considered for of course. They kept a close watch on their assets and that was putting it lightly. 

So when you got involved with Russell, completely oblivious to what you were really getting into, Horizon had already scoped you out as well as Colter, Dory, their mother, Bobby, Reenie, Teddi, Velma — everyone. Even Colter’s on-again/off-again, Billie, and the mysterious circumstances of the death of the boys’ father. They knew it all. Horizon didn’t like surprises and you supposed you couldn’t blame them considering their line of work, but it also meant that you and everyone you cared about needed to be extra careful. 

It was one of the many reasons you couldn’t completely forgive Russell, though you now understood why he’d walked out when he did. Things had unraveled so badly between you that you’d started quietly digging into Horizon, not trusting what Russell had told you prior. Back then, you thought you’d find only what Russell had claimed: private security, perhaps a couple of Special Ops situations where an American hostage was retrieved in another country, or worse: he was lying to you and having an affair. Now, you knew he had told you the truth — a very scrubbed, limited version of the truth that omitted most of what he really did for the outfit. You remembered what he’d told you about a week and a half before he left. 

“You need to stop digging.” 

You looked upon him with confusion. One minute, you had been having a very tense and silent dinner where you could only hear forks scraping against the plates every so often, and the next, Russell was glaring over at you, speaking cryptically. “What are you talking about?”

“You know exactly what I’m talking about. You need to stop looking into Horizon and leave it alone. I mean it, Y/N. Let it be.” His eyes bored into you with warning before he got up from the table and took his plate into the kitchen, leaving you to finish your meal alone.    

Normally, you wouldn’t have listened, determined to get to the bottom of Russell’s mysterious employer, but considering how your relationship was hanging by a thread at that point, you did. Despite the warning bells going off in your head, you did as exactly as he said: you let it be. 

You suddenly remembered Russell’s question to you. “You’re still breathing, aren’t you?”

Russell affected a slow nod, thinking it over. “And Colter?”

“I told them he’s no threat,” you murmured. “I talked to him, told him to forget they exist. He agreed as long as you were safe.”

For the first time since this conversation started, you could see Russell start to relax a bit, relief saturating his features. Even a small smile started to light up the tension in his face. While you could understand the feeling, share it even, something about it had you on your feet, walking over to the small refrigerator and pulling out a bottle of water from the six pack you had tossed in there when you booked the room. You held one up in an offer but Russell shook his head. 

“I’m good.”

You shrugged, unsurprised, and twisted off the cap, taking a drink. It made sense that he was still being cautious. Before you knew it, though, he was standing in front of you, that pleading yet determined look in his eyes again. 

“I want to get you out.”

You snorted. “There is no getting out, Russell. Not for me, anyway. Not until they’re done with me.”

He took a step closer and gently took the water bottle from you, placing it on the counter, and grasped your chin, forcing you to look up at him. “There’s always an exit strategy,” he murmured. “I never wanted this for you, Y/N. I only ever wanted to keep you safe. That’s why I left.”

Yeah, you knew that now, too. “I know that now. Why you wouldn’t tell me certain things about your job, but, Jesus, Russell. Did you really think they didn’t already know about me and who I was to you? Colter even? Dory? Your mom?”

He let out a deep sigh and hung his head, letting your chin go. “I know. I… It was a good fit for me at the time, the money was good — that’s why I hooked Doug up with them. But seeing how they hung him out to dry at the first opportunity and now you,” He tenderly ran his thumb along your cheek. “I’m seriously starting to rethink that decision.”

You pulled away from him. “It doesn’t matter. You can’t unring that bell.” You made your way back over to the bed and yanked your duffel bag from underneath it. You unzipped it and began rooting through it to make sure you had everything you needed for a quick getaway. You didn’t think you needed to go anywhere but now this location was blown for you since you had made the decision to let Russell know about it. You had already triple checked your stash when you left it here upon check-in but you needed something to focus on instead of the clear regret in Russell’s face. “And as for me, I made my decision.” You pulled out a gun from a secret compartment, checked the clip to make sure it was full, and slipped it back inside. “I’m good with it. I’ve used it fully to my advantage and I make good money, more than I was ever going to make at the Bureau, even if they fast-tracked me to Deputy Director. Solano was on our Most Wanted List for twenty six days and I took him out in one. Had he possibly gone free, there’s no telling what he would have done, who he would have hurt besides Doug.” You knew exactly what he would have done and who he would have hurt; he’d told you in explicit detail. You didn’t go into it but Russell wasn’t stupid (not when it came to things like this anyway). He most likely knew as well. He’d wanted to close up Solano as a loose end himself after all. “That kind of cleanup I can more than live with.”

Russell carefully approached, his eyes on the second gun you had pulled out and were checking. “I get that and I more than appreciate what you did with Solano. For Doug, for Colter and me.” Once you slipped the weapon back into its pocket, he laid a hand on your shoulder, prompting you to look over at him. “You can’t tell me, though, that this is what you want for your endgame. Not really.”

You shook your head in disbelief. “I don’t have an endgame, Russell. Maybe I did once but you took that the second you walked out the door, acting like everything we’d gone through meant nothing to you, like I meant nothing to you.” 

There was that remorse again and you despised it. “I’m sorry, I…handled that badly,” he admitted.

“Handled it badly?” You laughed in disbelief. You shirked his hand off of you and moved to the night table, yanking the drawer open to rip out the bible sitting in there. You opened it to the area you had cut out to hold emergency cash and cards, just like Russell had taught you once upon a time. “You told me I’d been nothing to you but a fling for the past four years, that you might have loved me once but you didn’t anymore. That I was…how did you put it? A fun distraction.” You slammed the bible shut and tossed it back into the drawer before closing it. You hurried back over to the bag, throwing the funds inside another secret compartment, more than done with this conversation.

“You’re right, I fucked up. I only said those things to—”

“Cut the cord, yeah, I know. Still doesn’t make it right,” you muttered, roughly zipping the duffel back up. 

“I wanted you to be safe. You were digging into them, even after I told you not to! And worse, you were pulling Colter into it!”

That quickly got your attention and you spun on your heel, jabbing a finger in the air at him. “Don’t you fucking dare lay Colter at my feet. Especially after what you just pulled last week. It wasn’t me hauling him into Doug’s case! Not to mention, way before you met me, the minute you took that job, you put everyone you knew on their radar and you know it! So don’t you fucking dare. I have been doing everything I can to make sure Colter is safe and doesn’t pull their attention, poring over every case he takes in the background to ensure they’re not involved or have any vested interests that are. Hell, I even just used a contact of mine to float a case over to Teddi and Velma to get him out of town and far away from here to continue keeping him safe. Me, Russell! Me! And what did you do to keep him safe? You blow back into town and not only put him even more on their radar, you deliver him right to their goddamn doorstep! So don’t you dare even try to put that on me,” you finished in a snarl. 

Shame lurked at the corners of his eyes and you scoffed in disgust, whirling around to grab your jacket from the bed before picking up the duffel bag and slinging the handle over your shoulder. “So glad we had this talk,” you sniped. “Now go have fun with the cheerleading dental hygienist or Reenie,” You could see more shame looking back at you. Unlike the hot tub conquest, Colter had actually told you about that one. You could tell how much it was bothering him and you knew he wouldn’t have mentioned it otherwise, knowing it wasn’t something you really wanted to hear. “Or that bartender you holed up with three weeks after you walked out on me,” Now you could see surprise; you could care less. “Or whoever you want. But me? I’m done. Have a nice life, Russell Shaw, and try not to get killed before you get out to start your little brewery operation. Oh, and try to manage not to get your brother or me killed in the process, yeah? Thanks ever so much. See ya.” 

You were walking towards the door when you were grabbed and whipped around. Before you could react, Russell was on you, his mouth covering yours and his hands gripping your face. “I love you,” he breathed against your lips after breaking away to let you catch your breath. “I’m sorry I said what I did back then but it wasn’t the truth. It took everything I had to walk away but as long as you were safe, that was all that mattered to me. I fucked up and I am sorry. I never stopped loving you, Y/N. Not ever.” 

He wiped at your cheeks and you hadn’t even realized you’d been crying. Shit. Well, that was embarrassing. Even more embarrassing was how much you wanted to believe him. You knew he was telling the truth about why he walked away, how he wanted to keep you safe, but it obviously hadn’t been as difficult for him to move on as it had been for you. “No, you don’t,” you choked out. “If that were true, you would have never walked out that door.” Your voice wobbled on those last few words and you hated it, hated how vulnerable you were being to him right now.

You wiped at your own cheeks and turned around, ignoring the pleading you saw once again in his eyes. 

“Y/N, please,” he ground out.

You kept moving towards the door. As you laid your hand on the door handle to turn it, you were whipped around one more time and he was kissing you yet again, your back pressed up against the wood. Except this time, you finally threw in the towel and gave in to what your damaged heart had been wanting all of this time. You buried your fingers in his hair and kissed him back just as passionately, not caring that more tears rolled down your cheeks as you did. He yanked the duffel bag from you and let it fall into a heap on the floor before lifting you up and turning to carry you over to the bed. You knew this was going to hurt like hell later but you refused to put a stop to it. You’d find a way to numb the pain when it ripped you open a second time, just like you always had. 

The only thought running through your mind as he laid you down and ripped your blouse open, sending buttons flying everywhere, was that you had been right. You knew the bastard had been lying earlier when you’d caught him looking between you and the bed. But right then as he lifted away from you to quickly shed his top layers and then dove back down to kiss you again and melt into you, your fingers greedily relearning every inch of his bare skin, you couldn’t care less.   

You reached your hand over, tenderly running a finger along the edges of the bandage on Russell’s arm. “Does it hurt?” You murmured.

“A little.” He turned his head to smile down at you. “More than worth it, though.”

You rolled your eyes, ignoring his chuckle at you gently pushing his head away, and turned onto your back. Russell embraced you with his other arm, pulling you into him. You rested your ear against his bare chest, hearing his steady heartbeat and settling your gaze on the ceiling above you. He pressed a kiss to your head, letting his lips linger against your hair, as his thumb rubbed your shoulder back and forth.

After a few minutes of content silence between you, you put voice to the question resounding in your mind. “How did we get here, Russell?”

“Well, you drove us over and then we—”

You softly swatted his chest, making him laugh and hearing the sound reverberate underneath your ear. “You know what I mean.”

“I wish I knew the best way to answer that, “ he whispered to you. You could hear the genuine regret in his tone and it made you start thinking about when you both would have to leave this motel room, and go back to the separate lives you had been living. Memories of lazy mornings like this back when you had been together, of you listening to his voice in your ear and knowing you were safe and loved, replayed in your mind on a loop. You would never admit it to him but you missed this, missed him. Nothing had felt right in the last couple of years like this moment here did. If anything, all of that time felt like some weird drug-induced nightmare, and you had just woken up to find Russell here next to you, nothing having changed. But that wasn’t true; everything had changed.

Not wanting to think about that just yet, you picked up the hand that had been caressing your shoulder and studied the skin of his wrist. “This is new.” You trailed your finger along the design of the tattoo sitting there. “What prompted you to get this one?”

“That’s something Doug and I got one night when we met up with another one of the guys from our unit when he was in town. Tommy Laird. Good man.”

“A crown?”

Russell shrugged underneath you. “Tommy picked the design.”

“‘We three kings’, huh?”

You heard him chuckle. “Never thought of it like that but sure.”

“Is he also a part of Horizon?”

You felt him tense underneath you at the mention of the dark and deadly elephant in the room. “No. He, uh, he lives with his wife and three kids in North Carolina. They have a house in Cary and he went back to the family business when he got home.”

You nodded and pulled his wrist to you, placing your lips on his skin and tenderly kissing the middle of the design before letting him go. He hugged you closer to him and placed a kiss to your ear in turn, letting out what sounded like a contented sigh. 

A moment later, he murmured. “I want to help get you out.”

You nearly rolled your eyes again. You wanted to ask him why he was dead set on thinking that you even wanted out. Perhaps the you he had known would want a way out, want something more out of life than money and secrets and cleanups, but you had changed a lot in the last three years. But you knew if you posed that question, it would shatter the cocoon you currently found yourselves in and you weren’t ready for that to end just yet. So instead, you reminded him of another angle of the truth. “That’s not possible. Not the way you’re thinking. You know that.”

“Anything’s possible.” You nearly smiled at his response; there was the stubborn streak that sometimes infuriated you and sometimes endeared you to him, like right now. But you needed to make sure you maintained a reality check for the both of you. You knew what he was really thinking.

“Even if it was, we can’t.”

His head lifted and he frowned down at you. “Why not?”

“This isn’t some Mr. and Mrs. Smith shit. We don’t get a happy ending,” you finished sadly, thinking back to the life you once shared together as you cupped his cheek and rubbed it gently with your thumb. “Not together. It’s too dangerous.” You left it at that but you knew that he was more than aware of what you meant. 

His frown intensified at your words and he covered your hand with his, turning to place a kiss into your palm. “We’ll work it out.”

“Russ,” you sighed.

He gently grasped your chin between his thumb and forefinger, looking into your eyes. “We’ll work it out,” he softly repeated, that glint of determination back in his gaze. 

You decided once more that you wouldn’t bother launching into the many reasons it actually wouldn’t work out and you would refrain from popping that bubble he had just wrapped you both in. That moment would come later. But for now, you continued to keep silent.

When he noticed you weren’t going to say anything, a mischievous smile began to form on that handsome face you loved. “You know, I don’t really have anything planned for today. How about you?”

Other than some paperwork you had to go over later, your day was pretty much free, too. Even if it hadn’t been, you knew that look and after this morning, despite still having some unresolved anger with him, despite things that still needed to be said between you, you would have freed up your schedule immediately. “I don’t think I’ll be missed for a while,” you teased.

He leaned in to kiss you, whispering to your lips, “Oh, you were missed. Very much fucking missed.” The impishness you had heard a moment before was now absent but he never gave you a chance to respond. Instead, he kissed you deeply and began moving to cover your body with his once again. He maneuvered himself in between your thighs, your legs automatically coming up to gently cradle his hips. “Your arm,” you broke away to warn him.

“Don’t care.” He lowered down to keep kissing you and surprisingly (or unsurprisingly perhaps), all was right in the world right then. You didn’t allow yourself to get swept away by it or by the fantasy of something that would never be. Sadly, the time for you and Russell to be together had come and gone. You’d had your chance and you both had blown it, with him starting you out of the gate. This right here, this was all that was left — like embers of a dying fire. You would always love him, you knew that (truthfully, you had always known it), but this was all you would ever have. Once you both walked out that door, you would be walking in separate directions, taking different paths in your lives, no matter what Russell would say. 

But for right now, you allowed yourself to live in the moment, to enjoy it as he groaned into your mouth when your hand helped guide him to where you both wanted him to be. You held onto him as he began a slow movement within you, knowing you would need to take over again very soon when his left arm began to tremble. But until then you kept him close to you, drank deeply of him, and reveled in what the two of you had always managed to create together, content to keep Horizon and the rest of the world on the other side of the motel room door, if only for a moment longer. 

A/N: I know I left some things open and unresolved. I wanted to do that to let this be a gateway to the continuing story in the short series coming titled "Closer". Please let me know if you would like to be tagged in the series.

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NPSS Weibo Q&A (20240831) Part 4

This is a Q&A session held on Weibo. People will tag their questions with the hashtag #南派三叔藏海花在线答疑# (#NPSS Zang Hai Hua Online Q&A#) and NPSS will look through the tag to pick some to answer. The event started at 1500 hours on 2024 August 31st.

Folder with screenshots and big compilation google doc is here. Part 1 is here. Part 2 is here. Part 3 is here.

1608

Q: Man crush, honestly, do you think that West Lake Vinegar Fish is delicious? Can you finish a plate of Vinegar Fish from Louwailou by yourself?

A: Actually, I really can’t. At most, I can eat two bites. But I’ve heard that they’ve improved their recipe lately and now it’s very delicious.

1609

Q: Shu, how long do you spend online from day to night? Your mental state is great. (T/N: “great” as in “wow what a mental state!”) A: I actually have too many things to write but well, I’m a liuliang celebrity, aren’t I?

1609

Q: The unbeatable, most handsome man crush in the universe, may I ask if Wu Xie would get caught by Xiaoge and Pangzi for sneakily buying game currency in LOL so he can buy skins? A: You can’t skimp on skins no matter how poor you are. Everyone understands this.

1611

Q: Sanshu, you have written about so many places in China, have you considered letting the Iron Triangle go tomb robbing overseas? A: I’ve written a movie script previously. The three of them were kidnapped and brought inside a pyramid. I was prepared to direct it myself but there was an Ebola outbreak right when the filming site in West Sahara finished construction.

1611

Q: I’ll post this again. Lei, can you invite the original singer to perform Three Days of Silence next year? People go to the bathroom three times (T/N: this is the proverb meaning to visit a place persistently until you get the result you want), why don't you go to the bathroom three hundred times. After all, there’s still more than 300 days till the next 817.

A: I visit once per day? Won’t it make me look like a loan shark?

1613

Q: When will this Q&A end?

A: It won’t end. I will answer at any time.

1613

Q: Shu, you’ve previously said that you’ll slowly delete the drafts on your public account. Can you not delete them? I really like to read the drafts over and over again.

A: There isn’t enough space. There’s too many [drafts]. Even if I don’t delete them, you can’t find them either.

1615

Q: If Zhang Qiling could only say one sentence to Wu Xie in this lifetime, what would he say?

A: I can only say one sentence to you in this lifetime, go get paper and pencil, I’m going to start saying this sentence and try my best to not stop and tell you everything that I can say, don’t interrupt me, let’s see how long I can make this sentence, now listen up, Wu Xie, my plan is goes like this bla bla bla bla bla—

1616

Q: Do you think that you can write better than you have previously? Or has that best feeling stage passed? A: I can go back [to that state], but I will go insane. Once I go insane, I will hurt everyone, including you all.

1618

Q: Shu, I think you wrote the best when you were in the psychiatry hospital. Can you trouble yourself and fulfill us and go there again? A: Here comes the crazy guy.

1620

Q: I’m praying for Shu to get Tianshou today and update nonstop.

A: Once the Tianshou ends, there’s a great probability that I will go to Liuheta (T/N: a culture park in Hangzhou, West Lake area) and run around naked.

1623

Q: What were the first impressions Zhang Qiling and Wu Xie had of each other?

A: Wu: Wah, it’s a show off. Zhang: Looks like there’s a layman on the team.

1624

Q: Man crush, if you were to choose a birthplace in DMBJ, would you choose the Golmud Sanatorium or the Bronze Gate?

A: Are these birth places? What is my mom thinking?

1629

Q: Which one do you like more; going to work or going to jail? Can you write while you’re in jail or write while you’re at work?

A: What’s the difference?

1631

Q: Shu, what do you think ZHH means to you?

A: I was suffering a lot when I wrote ZHH. It was before my mental breakdown. I went crazy after finishing it.

60 questions in! /laid flat on the ground. Only 60 questions in... and the list keeps getting longer. On one hand, I kinda regret spacing these out so much but on the other hand... I need something to fill my days between the ZHH updates. Maybe I'll do double updates tomorrow! Who Knows!

[aristocratic-otter]

Hey y'all! It's been a busy few weeks, but thank you all who kept tagging me since I last surfaced : @Iamamythologicalcreature, @you-remind-me-of-the-babe, @monbons, @thewholelemon, @cutestkilla, @hushed-chorus, @whatevertheweather, @prettygoododds, @blackberrysummerblog, @thehoneyedhufflepuff, @ivelovedhimthroughworse, @mooncello, @rimeswithpurple, @emeryhall, @wellbelesbian, @bookish-bogwitch, @ic3-que3n, @shrekgogurt, and @cosmicalart 

I've got a bit from everything to share today. Though the snippet from Cupid's Shield has technically been posted now, as of this morning.

And yes, I can count, I know some of these are more than six sentences. Do I care?

No.

Lol, I hope you enjoy!

From Saving Simon Snow: 

Baz is dead to the world when I wake up. The clock on the dresser reads ten a.m., which surprises me a little—I can’t remember the last time I slept past seven (other than in my jail cell, where there were no clocks and sleeping was pretty much the only thing to do). It doesn’t surprise me, however, that Baz is still asleep. He’s always been sluggish and cranky in the morning. Besides, yesterday was…well, yesterday was a lot. 

I’m still processing everything that happened, but my stomach tells me firmly that processing is far less important than eating, so I slip out of bed as quietly as I can, and dig through our suitcases for something to wear that isn’t sweated–through or jizz covered. 

From the Heart in the Well

“Who are you?” I shout, and if there’s a faint tremor in my voice, it’s not enough for Baz or the unknown above to tell. (I hope).

The creature above doesn’t respond, at least not in words. Instead, it shakes its head and lets out a ringing neigh. It’s a horse! I stare, bemused for a second, before I realise that what I’m hearing isn’t a typical animal sound. Instead, the neighing takes on the clearly recognisable tone of…laughter. The fucking thing is laughing at us!

From Snow Fox

Fiona’s radiating pride. “Brave as a lion, just like his mum,” she says. “You’ll show that mangy Snow Fox what it means to take on a Pitch.”

I can’t help but imagine my aunt's reaction to finding out that Simon knows quite well how to take on a Pitch. 

On my knees, whenever possible.

The thought prompts an unholy burst of laughter to try to fight past my lips, but I’m a master at containing my emotions. Even so, my lips twitch, but I manage to turn it into a polite cough. 

From TikTok Dancer: 

Snow paces at my side in silence with a pensive expression on his face, his hands clasped behind his back. 

My curiosity about this man is burning inside me, and it churns sickeningly in my gut with feelings of betrayal and animal lust. I want him. I hate him. And I don’t understand him. 

But the one thing I won’t do is be the first to break the silence. 

From Stars, Flowers, and Children,

He starts breathing again, but doesn’t speak to me. Not at first. Instead, he rushes to pile wood on the fire and then fumbles desperately for his own fire starting kit in the pouch he carries tied ‘round his waist. I’ve turned to watch him, morbidly curious about how he’s going to react to my betrayal. And it was a betrayal, I’m not fooling myself about that. I knew that Simon desperately wanted a ship to come. I knew how much getting off this island meant to him.

And I denied him that. 

From Cupid’s Shield:

I would have known something was wrong regardless from the way his smiles disappeared (even if he’d never smile at me, he smiles constantly at most anyone else, and I soak his happiness up vicariously every chance I get). 

I was so disturbed by his misery that I was tempted to invite him home with me. I didn’t—my family would have eaten him alive—but I wanted to. 

That early winter afternoon, we were all roused from the torpor of pre-holiday ennui by screams coming from the great lawn. I was in our tower room when it happened, and when I looked out to see a dragon strafing the lawn and Simon Snow running to face him…well, I didn’t think, I just acted. 

I raced out of Mummers and climbed to the ramparts.

From my COBB project:

“Snow, what the fuck,” he says, his voice coming out as a wheeze because of the way I’ve got him squeezed under my own bulk. 

“Shut up!” I snap. “You idiot! You nearly broke [redacted]!”

Baz stiffens under me when I call him an idiot, but when I accuse him, his muscles go slack, meaning I sink into him before I can stop myself. I swallow hard at how nice he feels against me, but then I tense up. This is beyond inappropriate. 

Tags and : @chen-chen-chen-again-chen, @bazzybelle, @dragoneggos, @erzbethluna, @palimpsessed, @frjsti, @fatalfangirl, @letraspal, @martsonmars, @melodysmash, @moments-au-crayon22, @moodandmist, @mostlymaudlin, @onepintobean, @raenestee, @tea-brigade, @upuntil6am, @whogaveyoupermission, @messofthejess, @carryonsimoncarryonbaz, @krisrix, @shemakesmeforget, @larkral, @confused-bi-queer, @theearlgreymage, @j-nipper-95, @facewithoutheart, @best--dress, @nightimedreamersghost,  @thewholelemon, @youarenevertooold, @nausikaaa, @artsyunderstudy, @ileadacharmedlife, @angelsfalling16, @noblecorgi, @alexalexinii,

[riddle-me-ri]

Riddlers Reacting to Reader Wearing A “TikTok” Dress

A/N: okay so a few things:

1) This was one of my first original ideas for headcanons when I first decided to write fanfics again, so I’m excited to feel confident enough to write it rip (this is also one of the more self indulgent ideas I’ve had so bare with me)

2) Heidi Lavon owns my tiktok, so it’s my job to bless you with her content here’s her in the dress:

3) It’s called the Carmen Dress and it has a $300 price tag on god save queens

4)  As I mentioned this is 100% self indulgent, so sorry for ALL the errors, this idea has been brewing in my mind for months until I couldn’t hide it anymore, so if it reads like rambles…that’s why lol

( Also, I mention it in only one or two headcanons, but ALL these bastards would ask if it comes in green (unfortunately it doesn’t but I’ll be damned if a couple these guys won’t try and make it happen) also this all takes place in private)

Trigger Warnings: heavy suggestiveness (I mean...look at the dress) and strong language (I have a sailor mouth, sorry not sorry)

Batman the Animated Series Riddler:

- Congratulations, you’ve made this goofball speechless

- No literally, man looks like a fish out of water

- Eyes wide, mouth opening and closing. Stuck between catching his breath and trying to form a coherent sentence. 

- Oh God, you’re walking closer to him?!

- The man’s face is as red as a tomato and he’s as hot to the touch as a furnace

- He’s finally able to start rambling off compliments

- You’re stunning, ravishing, gorgeous, enchanting…

- He’s a chuckling mess as you wrap yourself around him

- Becomes speechless again as he realizes just how little you’re actually wearing

- Your body is at the mercy of this measly fabric

- It takes him a minute, but he gets his suavity back once the surprise wears off

- You are beautiful there was never any doubts about that, but now that you’ve teased him he wants to see all of you

Capullo/Zero Year Riddler:

- Well, hellloooo~~

- The fuck you’ve been hiding this piece for?

- He absolutely loves what’s going on in the front, straight up licking his lips.

- The back could use some work though, not nearly as revealing as it could be

- You better hold this dress close to you, he’s not opposed to making some “alterations”

- Does it come in green? 

- Adores showing you off in it, look how hot my partner is! 

- He appreciates the piece, it accentuates everything he loves about you, and can love a good tease

- But he also thinks you just being in your underwear would suffice

- Or really nothing at all

- (wait omg are you commando right now in the dress?)

- Ow, don’t hit him that hurt!

The War of Jokes and Riddles (twojar) Riddler:

- Oh shit

- Sexy and sophisticated, he’s here for it!

- Reveals just enough to be enticing but hides the right amount to tease

- His hands are instantly caressing the sheer parts of the dress

- He’s already mapping out what the dress shows so he’s sure to leave hickeys later (or right now)

- Also asks if it comes in green, possessive buff leprechaun prick.

- If you mention there are similar dresses available in different varieties, he’s all here for it.

- Like, babe, you have his card and bank information, you don’t need to ask (you didn’t when you bought this dress, so what the hell?)

- Will absolutely show you off to literally anyone and everyone, so better not be shy! 

- They can look but if they even try to touch they’re dead.

Gotham City Sirens Riddler:

- Another connoisseur of the sexy and sophisticated look the dress provides. 

- He’s a proud grinning bastard

- Inquires where you got the dress and just how long were you going to keep this a secret from him

- Oh you’re just trying it on?

- Let him help you take it off~

- What? He’s being a gentlemen! He is reformed you know. 

- (but not in that category)

- Hands are immediately on you and show no sign of pulling them away

- Fingers running along the track of black fabric on your back

- If you’re his assistant at his private investigator firm, he is debating possibly changing your dress code

- Too much? Yes, you’re probably right, this view is for his eyes only

- Maybe you two could set up a private visit to his office though, hm?

Dano Riddler:

- He’s stunned

- Frozen like a deer in headlights

- His brain is short-circuiting between how gorgeous you look but also how the dress is even like fitting right now?

- How is it even on your body? Wait that’s sheer material? He thought that was just skin

- His face blooms in a bright red when you invite him to touch the material so he can feel it. 

- Eyes constantly raking over your form up and down, up and down.

- When he finally finds the strength to go up to you and touch you, he’s gone.

- Roaming his hands up and down, all around your body. 

- He’s absolutely breathless, constantly taking sharp inhales every once in awhile

- He’s just in awe, he already thinks you’re the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, but you were able to surprise him yet again.

- No one else is allowed to see you in this but him, he wants this to just be for him (and you’re more than happy to oblige) 

- (suck it, bruce wayne! My partner is more gorgeous than any of your flings!) 

Gotham Riddler:

- Oh hello there~ (calm down obi wan)

- His eyes are wide to saucers and his mouth falls open

- But only for a second, before he’s absolutely grinning like a cat that caught the canary

- He walks up to you, his full attention on you. 

- Warm brown eyes scanning your figure up and down, almost like a predator to prey

- But the way you look is absolutely killing him in the best way

- He’s committing this image to his mind, you know he has a photographic memory

- He genuinely thought with his times at GCPD and his experiences as the Riddler, he’s seen it all

- Like Dano Riddler, he’s quite impressed with how you manage to surprise him with your beauty, yet again.

Arkhamverse Riddler:

- Deadass did a double take.

- He walked past you, barely giving you a glance (like usual), but he must’ve seen your lack of clothing in his peripheral.

- What’re you trying to do? Distract him? You know how much that frustrates him!

- Once the haze of annoyance he’s usually in goes away as he takes in the rest of the dress…

- The man’s a stuttering puddle. 

- “W-W-What are you wearing? I-It’s not even a dress! N-No! I…I do like it..”

- You give him a small 360 twirl so he can get a full view.

- You can’t help but grin at the sharp gasp of air he took and tried to hide.

- Man is struggling, quick wrap your arms around him, his bravado is DOWN

- His tired eyes have glossed over and he’s absolutely puddy in your hands

- Once his brain starts sparking again, he shucks off his gloves so his rough hands can touch your soft skin. 

- He gasps again at just how little is hidden and how thin the material is.

- Stunning, radiant, gorgeous…so many words but they fall short as you take his breath away

- Congrats, you’ve done something even the Bat has never done…rendered Edward Nygma absolutely speechless

Telltale Riddler:

- This ornery asshole.

- He’ll rake his eyes over you and give you a little “hmph”

- He’ll shrug it off, he doesn’t see the reason for it when you can just parade around in your underwear and get the same reaction

- But don’t let it fool you, he is absolutely warming up and “getting” up as you saunter around the room

- He does appreciate the cheekiness of the dress, revealing just the right amount to make you still wonder

- He’ll keep up his indifferent front for as long as he can.

- Until you straddle the puzzle grandpa. 

- He has no choice but to appreciate it now, how what little fabric hugs your skin, and just how little you’re actually wearing

- Just don’t tell him the price tag, sweetheart, he’ll have an absolute boomer fit.

- ($300? You can just walk around the lair naked for free?!)

Young Justice Riddler:

- Uhh, yeah no he’s dead.

- Congrats you’ve killed him without laying a finger on him

- Shaking him might work…

- Once he’s conscious, he’s still sort of brain dead. 

- His lisp and stutters are amplified to the -nth degree

- He’s not even making words at this point. 

- You’ve broken him, way to go

- You try to reach out for him and talk to him

- Poor baby will literally scurry away

- H-he doesn’t deserve this, to see you dressed like this, looking so stunning

- W-what do you mean you’re wearing this for him?

- He barely feels worthy to kiss you, hold you, see you in a bikini/swimwear

- But this?? Really?

- It’s going to take him a minute, but once the initial shock is over, he’ll warm up to touching you and interacting with you in the dress

- He is torn between asking you to wear this only for his eyes or wear it when y’all go out

- Like he wants to show you off so he can see the gorgeous partner he pulled, but also like doesn’t want you to garner any unwanted attention (n-not that he wouldn’t protect you..but..like…you’ve seen him)

[saucylittlesmile]

I usually write in my tags but I decided to this instead, eith Scott’s long interview:

They changed my life. And it changed how I felt about the sport, and they empowered me to be my best self and learn what that is and who that was

I was going to write something but in this case, I felt a picture was worth a thousand words.

But not very long after – two, three years after – we kind of started thinking – because we’d already retired once and done tours and we’re doing a show – and we just looked at each other and were kind of like ‘This isn’t the same’. We both had other projects that we were putting on hold: her getting her MBA and working for Deloitte, and for me, the skating school. So as much as we miss each other daily, it was time to move on and not perform anymore.

I mean, we already knew this; they didn’t find the same fulfillment in show skating long term, and yet touring is enough of a commitment that it can keep other life plans from being realized; but still it’s nice to always know they were on the same page of being ready to get to that next stage of life. I did laugh at his ‘we retired once’ given how often they reiterate a that they didn’t retire hut took a break - still, it was an earlier chance to experience that lifestyle of non-competitive touring life too.

And I wanted to really do my own thing. But I would have done my own thing, I think, in Montreal, if I hadn’t met my wife and missed my family and all that stuff. I still think my home is in Ontario. But professionally, I was a little bit upset, because I would love to be beside them in Montreal and join forces.

It’s a Sliding Doors moment - that whole imaginary what if scenario that changes everything and yet changes nothing. But the reality is, he gets to be near his family, and his daughter gets to grow up with close family; and he gets to have a bit of a ‘the best of both worlds’.

The athletes relating to each other, being able to tell a story, kind of cat and mouse, back and forth. So that’s my strength, I think. I always really dove into that as a performer, I’d get to work with the best woman in the world, Tessa, so when we got into those energies, it was so much fun.

I’m thinking about Tessa being shocked that there are teams who don’t talk to each other on the ice. I’m thinking about teams who skate together but who barely even look at each other, let alone seem to make a connection. We were spoiled by VM’s partnership, and the level to which they were able to perform those stories and relate to each other, but not everyone can manage it, It’s going to be interesting to watch him encourage growing those relationships.

So I could be like ‘I want you to try this.’ And it wouldn’t necessarily even make sense. But Madi and Zach they can make anything [make sense]. And then the first time it’s gold, and you start to think ‘Holy shit. Maybe I am a great choreographer.’ And then you work with a 10-year-old and 12-year-old and you’re like ‘Oh, no, there we go. I’m back again.’

I just LOL’d at this.

So I’ve made a list. I won’t tell you who else is on the list, because I’m hoping that they’ll end up on our team as well – one day – but they were at the top of my list.

I want to know, lol, because I could only guess 1 name. Bet the rest I’d be surprised at. Love they made sure that Madison (and Adri) could tour if they had the desire and the chance.

Yeah, I go back and forth on that one. What I said yesterday in the meeting – and I have to tip my cap to the dance tech committee that they’re asking us, trying to poll everyone and to work collaboratively, you create an ice dance event that everyone likes – but I don’t mind it. I don’t think there’s a major flaw right now.

Interesting that the ISU is at least having discussions about dance with the people who have to deal with the decisions. Guess I shouldn’t 100% blane the ISU. ;)

I miss pattern dances a bit. The problem with pattern dances is how they’re judged. I like pattern dances because of the old-school patterns on the ice. Speed, dance position, like the older style of ice dance, and nobody really seems to care about that anymore. So I always wonder, why are we keeping it around for key points when it’s not really the spirit of the dance? But I do miss it in the program this year, I would remove PST and put pattern dance back in.

I can’t believe I’ve been around long enough to live through SM saying he wants the pattern gone to circle back around to him wanting it back. 😭 This one section we were shaking hands, preaching to the choir, same page agreement.

Of course then he went on to praise the choreographic elements and I had to cancel him.

(okay I get he’s saying he thinks they creative and he wishes he could’ve done them and etc etc but No Scott That’s Just the Wrong Opinion, I am right, thanks)

Well, Moulin Rouge came from Tessa and I’s heart and soul. And with Marie-France and Patrice and Sam all collaborating – It’s a special one. It’s not the most original one or groundbreaking, but it came from our souls. And we love the music. And so that was probably my favourite in the end.

They fought for it, and it made it all the more their program. ❤️

And also, we went back into Pink Floyd for our last number, because the Pink Floyd free dance is probably the project that I connected with the most.

Vindication! Uncancelled him, as a Pink Floyd free dance enthusiast.

Just a great interview. I love that they weren’t editing him down into a condensed version. Really, we have been incredibly spoiled with a few of Tessa’s recent podcasts and Scott’s interviews and their joint one - way, way more insights and stories and so on than I would have ever expected to get at this point.

[authortobenamedlater]

EDIT: I don’t like editing posts after they’ve gotten notes but it’s hours later and I realized I didn’t copy the instructions 😬

Mundane asks for OCs/underused canon character you adopted. Tag 10 people.

@christian-latte-anon tagged me and since I DID just finish writing more for these two adopted side characters.

What is their favorite movie? This is hard to answer for a series set 500 years in the future, but Tom’s favorite movie is definitely NOT any of the Disney classics he has to sit through with Chyler 🤣

What is their favorite season? Again, hard for two people who spend most of their time in space. However, I’ll say summer for a weird reason. I’ve headcanoned that Tom and Chyler were stationed on Reach for awhile until the Covenant hit, and New Alexandria is on the northernmost continent. So the summers were probably very short and very pretty. Maybe the occasional moose or equivalent trespassed on the FLEETCOM grounds 😂

What do they find annoying? Tom: Chyler’s unending Disney soundtrack (but he also kind of likes it, don’t tell anyone). Roland, enough said, LOL. Paperwork. Rules that serve no purpose. Chyler’s bed-hogging. Chyler: Tom’s aversion to putting clean clothes IN DRAWERS or THE CLOSET like a NORMAL PERSON. Spartan-IV antics (I need to write a fic about this). Roland, but to a lesser extent because he’s mildly terrified of her 🤣. Her BDU vest as explained in For Better Or Worse. Tom’s complaining about her bed-hogging.

How would they like to spend their Christmas or equivalent holiday? I don’t think this is ever mentioned in the Halo world. If I had to guess, there’s probably a mash-up end-of-year holiday party aboard ship but the day itself isn’t a huge deal. The job must go on.

Do they play an instrument? If so, what? How good are they at it? Headcanon subject to change, but for now, no.

What's their favorite meal to eat? Chyler likes Mac n cheese with beef because her mom used to make it. Tom’s is…I’m not sure, but it’s something very spicy. Chyler doesn’t want his ghost pepper sauce in the same room with her and she won’t kiss him for at least an hour after he’s eaten it 🥵 Credit where credit is due, the spice thing is sort of stolen from @infinityactual but it’s also a scene that plays out with me and @mrtobenamedlater way too often.

Do they have a favorite video game or board game? Probably? Whatever video games look like in the 2550s. I imagine Chyler sitting there with her cross-stitching adding commentary while Tom plays.

Do they celebrate their birthday? Their birthdays are close together, Chyler is older by about six weeks, and every year they try to make the day(s) pass without fanfare and every year the crew finds out and throws them a party anyway.

What's their bedtime routine? They rarely make it to bed at the same time, so usually “try not to wake the other.” When they do manage the same bedtime, Tom has an awful habit of trying to finish work in bed. Chyler sometimes falls asleep on his chest while he’s working, unwittingly reinforcing the bad habit because Tom loves it.

What's an oc (or canon character) that they like to spend time around? What do they tend to do together? Sarah Palmer, she functions as the straight (wo)man to the Tom/Chyler comedy show 😂 I haven’t written anything about this one yet but Chyler runs into Veronica Dare a lot. As wives do, they end up discussing their husbands. Oh yes, and Roland 🤣🤣🤣

Made up some of these on the fly! That was fun. I spent WAY too long completing this and am out of patience to tag anyone. If you’re reading this, here’s your tag.

[wrathbites]

OC Interview

Tagged by @nightmarestudio606, thank you!  Answer the questions from your OCs POV.

Tagging: @theoriginalladya 😄 and anyone else who wants to participate and sees this cross your dash, make a new post and go for it!

Name: Allers, c’mon, you know the — yeah I know it’d be a morale boost, but — god, fine, fine!  Weesht, holy fuck.  Rhys Shepard.

Are you single: hang on, lemme fire a quick message to — there we go, official agreement.  Nope!  I am not single, sorry to anyone who’d be hoping otherwise lol.

Are you happy: now, as in right now, after that reply?  Yes.  In general?  Aside from the current invasion of Reaper forces?  I guess so.  Could be doing without this interview, though.

Are you angry: No?

Are your parents still married: HAH.  No.  Thank fuck.

NINE FACTS

Birthplace: the asscrack of nowhere, Scotland.  No, I won’t be elaborating.

Hair colour: brown.

Eye colour: grey.

Birthday: classified, as you well know.

Mood: could use a ball to pelt around about now.  You know those squidgy stress balls?  Chuck ‘em hard enough and they bounce back with some impressive speed.

Gender: male.

Summer or winter: autumn.

Morning or afternoon: ... really?  C’mon.

You realise that’s only eight, right?

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

Are you in love: yup, I do solemnly swear, cross my heart and hope to die — oh wait.

Do you believe in love at first sight: didn’t work out so well back home, sooo... no.

Who ended your last relationship: we didn’t reach relationship status in the first place, but I suppose he technically did.

Have you ever broken someone’s heart: I hope not.

Are you afraid of commitments: nah.

Have you hugged someone within the last week: aye.  Friends, mostly.  If you count being tackled to the ground by husks intent on eating my face, then those, too.

Have you ever had a secret admirer: how the hell would I know?  I’m not disabling my messaging filters to find out, ta.

Have you ever broken your own heart: ... yeah.

SIX CHOICES

Love or lust: love.

Lemonade or iced tea: lemonade.

Cats or dogs: cats.

A few best friends or many regular friends: a few best friends, I think.  Too many and I’d have to start scheduling appointments to spend time with them.  Just no, thanks.

Wild night out or romantic night in: if you’re creative enough, why not both?

Day or night: night, obviously.

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

Been caught sneaking out: technically I was caught sneaking back in.

Fallen down/up the stairs: are we counting deliberately launching myself down a flight or ten?  Not that it matters, mind you, my answer’s still the same, I’m just curious.  Yeah, I’ve fallen down stairs before.  Quite a few times.

Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt: is this a trick question?

Wanted to disappear: no.

That’s... Allers that’s four.  Did you pull this list off the Extranet?

FOUR PREFERENCES

Jesus christ, how do you still have questions?

Smile or eyes: why not both?

Shorter or taller: similar height.

Intelligence or attractive: I can’t answer this fairly when my partner fits both.  Next question.

Hook-up or relationship: relationship.

FAMILY

Do you and your family get along: most of us do.

Would you say you have had a “messed up life”: not... really?  The biotics threw a spanner in the works, sure, but otherwise... no?

Have you ever run away from home: no.

Have you ever gotten kicked out: no.

FRIENDS

Do you secretly hate one of your friends: listen, if we’re in dislike territory then we’re no friends.  Hate doesn’t even apply.

Do you consider all of your friends good friends: yes?

Who is your best friend: see, now, that right there’s a trap I’m not falling into, I’m no that daft.

That’s it?  EDI, did you catch all of that?  Yeah, wipe it.  Look, Allers, I get it, but Commander Shepard and my face are two things that can’t show up in an interview together, you were warned before boarding.

[drinkitfrommymouthsuou]

( @alchemic-elric || from Ed and Al )

🥊

𝘚𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘷𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺;

𝘷𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺; 🥊- 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘧𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵: @alchemic-elric

((outofroses; I am rather proud of this! I hope you enjoy it. This is probably the darkest thing I have ever written on this blog lol. I also want to thank my fiance, a close friend of mine who graciously proof read the material.))

⚠ CONTENT WARNING ⚠ Some content written may be unsuitable for all audiences. Please review the tags before proceeding.

Despite the freezing cold rain, his lungs burned as Tamaki ran for his life.  His once pristine leather Dockers splashed through the puddles, the cold dirty water sloshing into his shoes—soaking his socks.  His usual periwinkle blazer was missing; somewhere along the way he had lost it in the scuffle as he tried to escape.  His white—now translucent—undershirt clung to him, the hues of his skin bleeding through the wet fabric.

His aching lungs struggled to draw in a full breath; Tamaki felt as though he was drowning in the rain.  How long had he been running?  But he couldn’t stop. “HEY! Ya’ fuckin’ chickenshit—get back here!” Not when they were closing in on him. “Fucking rich bastard!”

Damnit.

Tamaki thought he could outrun these guys and lose them in the maze of the city.  He had underestimated his assailants; they had the advantage of familiarity—they knew this area while he had no idea where he was.  Quickly, the blond turned a corner and ran down a long and narrow alleyway.  Trash littered the ground and water poured out of rain gutters, mixing into sludgy puddles.  He kept running until…

Tamaki realized all too late that he had taken a wrong turn. He was at a dead-end; there was no way out.

With his body on the verge of collapse, Tamaki paused and leaned against the nearby wall with his hand pressed solidly against the concrete.  He took a moment and desperately panted for air, wiping the rain from his face with a trembling hand.

Turning his head skyward he watched as the dark clouds poured out the heavens.  Those distant puffs seemed so far away; though turbulent now, they seemed otherworldly.  In this moment he wished for nothing more than to be there in those thunderous clouds. How he wished he could be—

“There you are!”

Tamaki flinched when he heard the voices behind him and whipped his body around to face his attackers.  The four men had him cornered.

“Give us your money, kid!” “Yeah—give it and n’body gets hurt.” Two men stepped forward while they cracked their knuckles.

“Yeah, we promise we won’t bash ya’ pretty face ‘n.”  The third and fourth cackled and the men formed a semi-circle in the alleyway, effectively cutting off Tamaki’s only way of escape.

“I already told you I don’t have anything!” Tamaki shouted but his voice broke; his throat was too dry from all the panting.  Tamaki realized quickly that he had no other choice but to fight.  The blond was no pushover; he had the fire inside him to fight back. However, he was already exhausted from the long run, and he was facing up against four men who looked like they could clearly hold their own in a fight.

“Tch—,” Tamaki shifted his stance, raised his arms and curled his hands into tight fists.  All four men laughed at his show of defiance.

“Hah! Would ya’ look at that? This dipshit thinks he stands a chance.” The fourth man spat at Tamaki.

“I’ve had enough of you!” Tamaki cried and lunged forward.  The stinging pain in his hand told him his punch hit the mark.  The fourth man staggered backwards and fell to the ground while he clutched his face.  This small victory was short lived.  Two of the men grabbed Tamaki’s arms and yanked them behind his back with so much force that it felt as if they would rip them from his shoulders.

The remaining thug threw a punch; Tamaki saw stars as pain shot through his head. Tasting the metallic flavor of his own blood as it filled his mouth, he coughed to get rid of it.  Strong fingers dug into Tamaki’s scalp and yanked his head up by his blond hair.

“What—you think you are tough, pretty boy? You’re a fuckin’ idiot.” The man reached and started rummaging through Tamaki’s pockets before locating a black leather wallet.  Tamaki watched as the thug yanked it open.

“There’s nothin’ in here!” The man growled.  He seemed astonished that someone as wealthy as Tamaki wasn’t stupid enough to carry money around.  Tamaki didn’t say a word as he watched the man’s expression shift into something far more deadly.  “You—fuckin’ piece of SHIT!” The man cried as he punched Tamaki, hard, in the abdomen.

The thugs that held him let Tamaki crumble to the ground. On his knees now, he clutched his stomach trying to catch the wind that was knocked out of him.

“Fucking worthless faggot!” One of the men lifted their leg and kicked Tamaki square in the face.  His body flew back and flopped into a dirty puddle.  There he laid motionless.

Tamaki groaned; his head pounded, and his vision swam. He had to fight the wave of nausea that washed over him.  Why were they doing this? What had he ever done, to anyone, to deserve this? Merely because he existed or he simply was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The man who Tamaki managed to hit at the beginning of the fight stepped forth and flicked his wrist.  In one fluid motion, a gravity knife appeared, and the blade glinted in the dim light of the storm. “You think anyone’ll miss this kid?” The man chuckled under his breath as he took a step toward the blond.

Dazed and disoriented, Tamaki was having trouble comprehending his surroundings.  The world felt distant and sounded muffled, except for the high-pitched ringing in his ears.  Tamaki thought he could faintly hear a crowd in the distance.  What were they saying?  He could see a flash of lightning through his closed eyelids; he felt the ground reverberating from the thunder that followed.  Beyond these limited details, Tamaki didn’t know where he was or what was happening. All he understood was how he felt this overwhelming urge to run.

His body felt broken and heavy as he lay on the ground.  He could barely move. With agony pulsating through his body, he attempted to lift himself up. 

Stepping closer, the man with the knife pressed his dirty wet boot against Tamaki’s side. The boot pressed him to the ground, effectively stopping the blond’s futile attempt at escape. With a rough kick, Tamaki was shoved, the blond rolling limply onto his back.  The man then grabbed Tamaki’s tie and lifted him up halfway. 

Tamaki could feel something cold, like steel, getting pressed against his neck. “You’re too fuckin’ pretty.” The thug snarled angrily at the blond.  Even now, the blood and bruises couldn’t diminish Tamaki’s inherent beauty.

“Please—... Please…don’t…” Tamaki began to beg, but his voice didn’t sound like his own and it barely registered in his brain that he was speaking.  He could feel the tears beginning to well up, stinging his blackened eyes.  

“Shadd’up.”

The last thing Tamaki saw was the menacing smile of the man before he closed his eyes and waited. 

Voices.  

Tamaki could hear voices—shouting.  The sound was faint and distant. 

The shouting was getting closer and soon Tamaki felt as though he were falling backwards. The tension on his tie gave out and Tamaki’s body dropped back down into the puddles. 

The shouting was louder now, and he could hear what sounded like the crashing of metal.  It was deafening to Tamaki’s ringing ears. He could hear a string of shouted curses spoken with an accent that he couldn’t recognize. 

Soon, the cacophony ceased, the sound of rain and thunder softening the world around him. Tamaki turned his head as he lay in the murky puddles.  

He opened his bloodied and bruised eyelids. Through his blurry vision he could see two figures standing in place of the four men who were now gone, or rather, they were now slumped over heaps of flesh laying on the ground. Tamaki couldn’t be sure. 

The blond softly groaned and blinked his eyes.  A flash of lightning lit up the dark sky and for a moment, he took in what he could see.  One was tall and rather imposing–like a knight clad in armor.  Beside this behemoth was another figure who seemed rather small in comparison. The pair reminded Tamaki of Takashi and Mitsukuni, and for a moment Tamaki allowed himself the peace to believe that his dear friends had come to his rescue.  Everything felt like a dream.  Even though his body was screaming in pain, he understood one thing: he was alive.  

As that realization set in, exhaustion and relief finally won the battle. Tamaki’s world plunged into darkness as his mind finally fell beneath the waves of unconsciousness.

[feuqueerfire]

June 2023 Movies/Shows Wrap-Up

A little monthly (spoilery!) wrap-up of all the shows, movies, and shorts I’ve watched or am watching in June 2023, general thoughts, and ranking of them all.

Recommendation of the month: I Go To School Not By Bus and We Are Gamily just cause they’re not as well known.

Ranking

The Devil Judge

Bloodhounds = The Eighth Sense

Our Skyy 2 = From Now On, Showtime! = I Go To School Not By Bus = We Are Gamily

Average Rating: 6.07/10 - D: so low this month

MDL Updates - Added to Watchlist:

A section because I’m curious about how many shows I decide to add to my Watch List a month and also the ratio of watching them:adding them.

My Name (2021): in some r/kdramarecommendations after finishing the devil judge

Bad Guys (2014): from this r/kdramarecommendations for heroes and villains who are both crazy

Bloodhounds (2023): It just released today (dropped all episodes on Netflix) and people are saying it has good action + fun bromance and is enjoyable, so I’ll watch it

Addicted Heroin (2016): idk it’s just one of the early BLs (from China no less, though there’s no proper ending I’m pretty sure) and people say there SA and isn’t healthy, so I’ll watch it when I’m in that mood 

Some More (2018): I finished watching I Go To School Not By Bus and searched up tiktoks for it and kept coming across ones for this instead. I suppose it’s a trade-off; watch one short, add another. though i did have this on my radar already since it’s by Strongberry.

To Watch List At Start Of Month: 54

To Watch List At End Of Month: 49

Removed from To Watch List:

Removing these on June 30 because now that I’m getting into kpop as well, my interest in watching dramas isn’t as high and I know I’m probably not gonna get to these. 

180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us (2022) - if I watch it, I might like it but I probably won’t end up watching

GAP (2022) - man I was really looking forward to this but ik people say it’s overdramatic and messy by the end and I don’t feel like it

Merry Queer (2022) - this has been on the list for a while but I always just skip it lol

Rak Diao (2022) - I almost started this multiple times but never ended up actually watching it, so I probably just won’t

Watching On-Air

Our Skyy 2 

Country: Thailand

Release Dates: Apr 19, 2023 - June 8, 2023

Watch Via: GMMTV YT (free)

Watch Dates: Apr 22 - June 8, 2023

Rating: 6/10 [based on (6.5 + 5.5 + 6 + 5.5 + 6.5 + 6.5 + 6.5)/7 NLMG = MSP = BBSxATOTS > Eclipse > SIMM = Vice Versa]

Bad Buddy: Cute and fun and I love PatPran, so I wish there was a bit more of them than there actually was. It got boring toward the middle when they were separated and kept getting lost in the forest but I like them so much and also the tidbits of InkPa were great.

ATOTS: I do not care about these people. [6.5/10 for the last 2 weeks]

tags: our skyy 2, bad buddy

Also Appears In: Our Skyy 2 Live Blogging, April 2023 Wrap-Up, May 2023 Wrap-Up

Completely Watched

The Devil Judge (2021)

Country: South Korea

Release Dates: Jul 3, 2021 - Aug 22, 2021

Watch Via: Viki (free)

Watch Dates: June 1 - 5, 2023

Rating: 7.5/10 7/10  [Jan 25, 2024 Update: Decreased by 0.5 stars when rerating my top shows: 7.5 -> 7]

Overall Impression: Cool concept with the live court, I liked how it played with the viewers and the in-show audience. Ji Sung was a great actor to play Yohan, he's beautiful, he's charming, he's intimidating, he can play both arrogant and cute. Seonah my beloved, she was so clever and cunning and forward thinking and fearless, yet with hints of loneliness and care for young girls, she was a great villain ah <3 Gaon was fine to be honest, I think people were frustrated by him but I felt like his inability to trust Yohan made sense considering Yohan's a sick bastard and people who he trusted more distrust Yohan. I wish the girls Judge Oh and Suhyeon were given more depth and utility because they were very flat characters who had some usage sometimes but were often just out of the loop and had little impact on the narrative. Seonah x Yohan sicko dynamic is so good I love it so much. Suhyeon x Gaon could have really been bodyguard gf x princess bf but alas, they had like a day together after kissing lol. Yohan and Gaon were so homoerotic, like wow no kiss. I loved Yohan, Elijah, and Gaon so much. I'm heartbroken that in the end, Gaon is all alone without these 2, with a dead best friend and a traitor of a mentor being a judge in a system that's just as corrupt.

tags: the devil judge

Live Blogging: The Devil Judge Live Blogging

Bloodhounds

Country: South Korea

Release Dates: Jun 9, 2023

Watch Via: Netflix, so :>

Watch Dates: June 10 - 13, 2023

Rating: 6.5/10

Overall Impression: Good enough, especially the heart of episode 6 but not something I'll be thinking about at all. The characters didn't resonate a whole lot, this focused a lot on just fighting scenes (more than like strategizing, being clever, etc, which is usually what I'm a fan of), the defeat of the villains wasn't really satisfying at all - especially with how cruel episode 6 went down. Also, I don’t ship Geonwoo and Woojin, sadly.

tags: bloodhounds

Live Blogging: Bloodhounds Live Blogging

From Now On, Showtime!

Country: South Korea

Release Dates: Apr 23, 2022 - Jun 12, 2022

Watch Via: Viki (paid, so :>)

Watch Dates: June 14 - 18, 2023

Rating: 6/10

Overall Impression: Funny and comedic with likable characters (even rancid characters like Yeji were charming to me). Nothing too deep, though it had some touching moments. Too much dramatic romance in the second half, I don't care about their royal/shaman past life tragedy and I think that made it kinda meh for me in the latter half.

tags: from now on showtime

Live Blogging: From Now On Showtime Live Blogging

The Eighth Sense

Country: South Korea

Release Dates: Mar 29, 2023 - Apr 26, 2023

Watch Via: Viki (paid, so :>)

Watch Dates: June 20 - 22, 2023

Rating: 6.5/10

Overall Impression: It was interesting and I think the show had a good grasp on characters and relationship dynamics and progression. I liked that there were friendships each character had and that they existed outside of just this relationship; even some of the friends existed outside of just being a friend, like Yonnwon was a whole human. The female friends were great, Yoonwon is a treasure and I liked how Aeri was so sweet but so mean sometimes, a very clever city girl type. Also, the tension and cute moments between Jihyun and Jaewon (esp in ep 6 and 10) were great. I think it's a good show that's done well but right now, it's not taking up much brain space and it also didn't make me viscerally feel anything.

tags: the eighth sense

Live Blogging: The Eighth Sense Live Blogging

I Go to School Not by Bus

Country: Hong Kong

Release Dates: 2015

Watch Via: GagaOolala (free)

Watch Dates: June 24, 2023

Rating: 6/10

Overall Impression: Man, I came across this short because of this tiktok of the bathroom kiss which haunted me, such a good edit, but the actual scene T.T This reminds me of Your Name Engraved Herein with the school boys who are plagued by homophobia at school, though interestingly, one of the characters was out to everybody from the beginning here. The homophobic teachers and the weird shouty fangirls who outed them and obsessed over them were sooo dislikeable and took up too much time in this 35-minute video. It was cute, it was sad, it had the indie vibes that so many of these queer shorts have. The ending wasn’t necessarily happy but it wasn’t tragic, at least - though I feel like that specific scene was lower quality than the rest of the show in terms of production and acting.

Well fuck, I accidentally got into watching Boys Love Boys Planet podcast recap of all 12 episodes, then didn’t know the group at all but kinda felt like I did, then ended up actually watching some content and now I’ve reblogged 2 things, have been going through the reddit r/zerobaseone posts from the beginning (since it started just 2 months ago), am watching content, started my content index, the whole thing bruh. So my watching is gonna take a huge hit I can tell + my dreams of starting to read books again is a wisp now

We Are Gamily (2017)

Country: Taiwan

Release Dates: Jul 1, 2017

Watch Via: Youtube ;> 

Watch Dates: June 28 - 30 2023

Rating: 6/10

Overall Impression: Another gay-lesbian marriage after Badhaai Do with overbearing family, though this one is mostly mothers. I think the interactions are funny and how certain pairs agree and then agree with the other pair. I think the fact that the mother pretended to have pancreatic cancer which killed their father but nobody called her out on it kinda soured me though, I think I would’ve been even more touched if that wasn’t there. The ending was sweet and touching, though a bit sudden. The romance between the women was a bit too sudden like y’all barely know each other but it kinda feels like the opposite journey as in Badhaai Do where the man got a new bf lol. Anyway, pretty good.

I should prune my MDL to-watch list, especially since I’m gonna be watching stuff less frequently now.

[henrysglock]

I posted 7,655 times in 2022

That's 7,655 more posts than 2021!

1,341 posts created (18%)

6,314 posts reblogged (82%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@heroesbyler

@aemiron-main

@magentamee

@octobergrae

@laozuspo

I tagged 2,630 of my posts in 2022

#byler - 659 posts

#will byers - 547 posts

#stranger things - 515 posts

#mike wheeler - 457 posts

#asks - 427 posts

#personal - 235 posts

#henry/vecna/001 - 131 posts

#paper faces - 120 posts

#byler tumblr - 101 posts

#@prev - 84 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#please put your hands through the pats of my cage i promise i won’t bite you i promise i won’t rip you to shreds please please please put—

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

guys i hate to break it to you but i found a leaked pic of mikhail and—

1,250 notes - Posted August 26, 2022

#4

i still can’t believe Will made fucking self-insert OC fanart of Mike and him and their friends and had the guts to not only show it to Mike but also to use it as a means to give Mike a thinly-veiled love confession.

who the fuck is doing it like Will Byers? the man is fucking insane??? the ClA couldn’t force me to do something that fucking cringe. like Will I love you man, and that was precious!! but that was also one of the single most cringe things i’ve ever witnessed 😭😭😭

like ok imagine making (sfw) furry art of your crush and you and showing it to them like “haha yeah man these are our fursonas,, no no yeah your girlfriend commissioned it actually lol— but see how you’ve got a white, heart shaped patch of fur? that’s because you’re the heart of the clan—”

IM SHAKING AND SOBBINF—

1,451 notes - Posted October 18, 2022

#3

Can we all, just for a moment, sit and think how much of a menace Will and Mike are going to be in s5?

Will is 200% snarkier now than he was before. Mike is a known menace already. I need to see some quality judgmental tag-teaming. I need them to share Looks™ and make Comments™. I need to see them piggyback off each other to roast the shit out of people.

Will "Friends? What friends?" Byers and Mike "Cursed out his teachers at age 13" Wheeler.

Will "😐🙄🫢" Byers and Mike "🤨😪🤢" Wheeler.

They're 15-17 years old. They're finally back together. Both of them are bored and quarantined in Hawkins. sheeeeeeesh.

2,271 notes - Posted September 12, 2022

#2

I love how rink-o-mania can literally just be summed up in

will: *sigh* 🙄 😔 🛼 👩🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👨🏻 😐🫡 🫥

mike: 👁👁 🤨 🤔 ??? *visibly shaking because he hasn't filled his daily quota of William Byers Interactions and Affection*

2,414 notes - Posted September 6, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

the funniest part of byler and byler doubt is that...Mike is literally written in such a way that Will couldn't get a boyfriend. Mike threw a fit in S4 when Will wasn't paying him enough attention.

if Will ever mentioned anyone else Mike would go insane like

Will: So there's this gu-- Mike: What guy? He's not good enough for you. I'll kick his ass. Tell me his name I'm gonna kick his ass. Will: Mike: Will: Mike: Seriously tell me about this gu-- Will: How about we have some quiet time, actually.

3,208 notes - Posted October 5, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[thesightingofthedoodlewizard]

This is in the middle of an AU for Bendy I have in mind, but I might never get to this part and I just really wanna write this so there.

Summary

Sammy wandered into the music department, the old place he’d haunted for nearly 30 years. If Henry wouldn’t let him go outside yet he might as well go see if the place had collapsed. It hadn’t. Somehow either option would’ve made him grouchier.

He went up to the projectionist booth, flipped the switch, and started running down to play the right notes. He’d have to change that music combination since Henry knew it. Just because he was the reason Sammy was sane again, didn’t mean he’d want that-that…. Ugh. He’d figure out what to call Henry later. Right now he was too tired to think, and just wanted to go into his sanctuary.

Once that old door banged open Sammy strolled in to see the damage. Nothing much had changed. Thank goodness. But some bacon soup cans were missing. He’d have to restock if he wanted to hide in here for as long as he used to. Though Henry would probably pull him out if he tried to. The idiot. A week wasn’t that bad if you had everything you needed.

Sammy sat down at his desk, and put his head in his hands. The events of yesterday flooding back now that he had some quiet. Why did he and Susie end up doing that? Sure it was nice to just record some audio like old times, but why had she hidden that voice recorder in there too. Augh. He was such an idiot.

He still didn’t know why she’d wanted to sing that song either. She could’ve just played Alice like she always used to do. Though spending so long as a twisted version of Alice butchering other characters would put a bad taste in your mouth for that. But why hadn’t she picked one of the old songs from the cartoons? Instead, You Are My Sunshine!? Anything but that sappy slop. He sighed leaning back in his chair, remembering the sound of her voice as he played the banjo in accompaniment. Such a sweet melody. He’d been glad when she liked his twist to the old tune. Put a little bit of personality into it. It definitely needed it.

After the song was over, she’d pulled that recorder out of nowhere, and flipped it off. Why had he just sat there instead of grabbing it while it was in his reach? Another sigh. Then she’d played it back. At least it had sounded ok. Would’ve been better if he could’ve spent time actually fixing his part instead of messing around. He hated unfinished work. What had really surprised him was to hear his own voice mixing with hers. When had he started singing? Good gosh why had he done that. If that tape got out Wally really wouldn’t let go of that whole ‘magic’ thing now. And if others found it? Sammy might as well go back into that puddle forever.

She said he’d sang beautifully. It was nothing compared to her voice but at least it was some backup. He did wonder why she brought up his old tip of putting yourself in the song. Why had she said he’d done that perfectly? That woman was a mystery. Then why could he not stop thinking about it and just let it go? He should be mad that she has blackmail on him now. But he really just wanted to keep working on it, so he could see her eyes light up when the song came together.

What was going through his head?! There’d never been this much noise when he was by himself! It was so distracting! Maybe she’d been right about asking if he had something to tell her….

No, they were just business associates! Coworkers! Yeah, they might be chummier than any of the other people working there could ever get with him, but that didn’t mean anything. Just work associates, keep it all business. Just like old times. The old times when he’d tell her to sing it one or three more times even after a good take. That was just to make sure they had enough good takes to work with. The old times when he would use a bit more cello in because she always loved it. The old times when he’d watch her sway in the booth and not try to stop her, even if it’d ruin the take. What was the matter with him… he had it bad didn’t he. No crushing it down this time he supposed.

Maybe he should tell her? Oh goodness no. He couldn’t do that. He didn’t even know why she still was friendly to him. He’d been the one to tell her about Pendle. Why didn’t she hate him?! It would make everything easier. Then he wouldn’t have to tell her…. But maybe he didn’t? He’d written dozens of songs for a cartoon, and sure Jack Fain did the lyrics, but he’d been doing that long before they hired Fain. He could do it that way… at least get it out of his system. Yeah… that could work.

Maybe he could write something that wasn’t as jumbled as the race of thoughts in his head.

[insomniactalks]

I have about 10 different asks sitting in my inbox regarding the “leaks” for S3, and I finally found some time to address them today. Instead of answering each ask one by one, I’m just gonna address all those concerns/questions in this post. If you are one of the several anons who’s sent me an ask about the “leaks,” and have been patiently waiting for an answer, keep reading! This is the only time I will address the “leaks” b/c I think it’s best to just wait and see what happens at this point. (Typing this up from my laptop, so I apologize for the length of this post...hehe) 

To start, I’m so sorry if you’ve been waiting a while for a reply. July has been hectic for me. Thank you for ur patience! A few things before I start: I won’t tag Ricky and Gina’s ship in the main tag b/c I assume they may not want to read my thoughts on the matter (which is totally fair! LOL) I think I’ll start tagging Gicky instead from now on b/c that’s also a combo of their names and so I can keep my own blog organized in some way. Also, my thoughts on the “leaks” are less from a Portwell stan’s point of view and more so from my thoughts as an English major in undergrad and grad school. I will try my best not to insert my own bias here. I’m simply looking at the story that’s being told on the show and the evidence.  

Yes, I have seen the “leaks,” both the Twitter thread and the screenshots/“script” from back in April/May. And no, I will not share any of that with anyone b/c I promised the person who was kind enough to share it with me that I wouldn’t do that. That being said, lemme get into it! 

Is anyone really surprised S3 would have another semi-formal event given S1′s HoCo episode (1.05) and S2′s quinceñero (2.05)? We all shoulda known S3 would follow that trend, so I’m not surprised by 3.07 apparently being another dance/formal event, “Camp Prom” I believe is the name. What corroborates “Camp Prom” is the actual evidence to back it up. The screenshots for this are actual pics from crew on set while they were filming, which show colorful 70s-themed décor. It’s not just someone’s words that’s taken as truth, there’s legit posts from crew on their Instagrams. All that confirms is that there will be a dance at camp (which seems so fun! Can’t wait to see it.) The only reason the “leaker” was right about that is b/c of the crew’s behind the scenes pics.

The “leaker” claims Ricky and Gina “have a great moment together” in the prom episode and that they “make eye contact across the room” at some point. I can see how one would easily assume this scenario to mean something romantic for Ricky and Gina, but just b/c 2 characters “share a moment” together doesn’t inherently make it a romantic scene. BTW, the “leaker” never claims Gicky “almost kiss” at prom, they only said what’s stated above. There’s a screenshot of part of the alleged script for “Camp Prom” that claims they “almost kiss.” I have several issues with this “script,” starting with the font used. I’ve seen plenty of official scripts from other shows (Riverdale and SPOP in particular) and even from Tim himself. They all have the exact same font and font size (no idea what that font type is called, but all shows/movies in the industry seems to use it. It must be standard practice b/c that font is sorta boxy and spaced out, making it easier for actors to read). Tim’s even shared part of the script for 1.06 before, and the font used is very different from this “script” from 3.07. I’m not claiming Ricky and Gina won’t share a moment in 3.07, I just highly doubt it’s an almost kiss. This “script” goes from Jet and Maddox on stage, to the coat check area where Gina “spills her bag” before her and Ricky allegedly almost kiss. There is no description for what Gina does after her “bag spills.” It just says she and Ricky “almost kiss” immediately after that. That makes no sense. Any person would be fumbling to put stuff back into their bag if everything spills out. This “script” is missing so much context, on top of being the wrong font and font size, that it makes me question it’s legitimacy. Seems pretty fake to me. Also, anyone notice how none of the “leaks” have ever stated anything specifically about Portwell? All these “leaks” seem to be in favor of only one ship (Gicky), yet official releases for S3, such as posters, the trailer, the “It’s On” music vid, etc, have continually presented Portwell as a team. I’m not saying Gina and EJ won’t be dealing with couple drama in S3, of course they will, but I doubt S3 will be the end for them.

One of the anons bring up Channing and Corbin filming Gicky during rehearsals for the musical for the documentary, and EJ possibly seeing that footage as the director. That’s deff a solid theory b/c the show could do that to add more drama. But here’s the problem. If Gina and Ricky are the leads in the musical, they would be playing romantic interests. Just like in S1, EJ will be in the exact same position in S3 where his girlfriend is playing romantic leads with a guy she has/had feelings for. By S1′s finale, EJ accepts Nini’s decision in choosing Ricky and truly lets her go (which is a moment he’s “really proud of” (2.10)). He learns a lesson in S1 about letting someone go and putting their interests before his own. In 1.04-1.06, EJ was still trying to win Nini back and hold on to their relationship, even when she was clearly done. However, thanks to character growth (and a certain someone! *ahem* Gina) EJ does the right thing. What would be the point in having EJ placed in the same situation as S1 again, where his girlfriend and the guy she has a past with are playing romantic leads, and have him go thru that rejection again? With the same other guy (Ricky) no less? There’s no point in EJ learning the same lesson from S1 again cuz he already went thru that. Don’t ya’ll think the writers know this? I think the more likely story that will be told in S3 is EJ having to confront his past insecurities with Nini, and how that affects his present relationship with Gina. The writers may have set up what seems like the same story from S1, but I’m pretty sure there will be a different outcome in S3. Doesn’t make sense to repeat the same lesson of rejection for EJ’s character in S1 in S3. There should be another important lesson to be learned here for EJ, such as someone other than himself actually wanting to “hold onto what they had over the summer” (1.04). Nini couldn’t do that for him unfortunately, due to the feelings she clearly still had for Ricky in S1. EJ was always gonna be a rebound for Nini b/c she was just trying to move on from Ricky over the summer he broke up with her. Gina, on the other hand, waited several months, during which she was actively moving on from her romantic feelings for Ricky, before she even considered being more than friends with EJ. 

That doesn’t mean Ricky and Gina shouldn’t have a convo or two in S3 to clear the air b/t them, and work on rebuilding their friendship. This may very well lead to Gicky sharing moments this season, but I’m not convinced they'll be romantic moments. Every time EJ witnessed or suspected s/t going on b/t Ricky and Nini in S1, he was actually right. While he did NOT handle it in the right way, his suspicions were correct (esp in 1.02 w/ Ricky and Nini sharing a moment on stage/voicemail and even in 1.04 where Nini and Ricky almost kiss the same day she broke up with EJ). Having already gone thru that with Nini and Ricky, why would the show make EJ live thru that again with Gina and Ricky? Unless....there’s a different outcome! (That being EJ seeing Gina and Ricky interact and actually having to confront his insecurities this time instead of just being on the defensive. Who’s to say this won’t lead to more honest conversations b/t Portwell? Better yet, EJ and Ricky having the conversation they never really had in S1, where Ricky really overstepped certain boundaries in EJ’s relationship and Ricky comes to terms with that now. What if Ricky acknowledges his wrongs in the past and chooses to want a more genuine friendship/comradery with EJ this time? Just a thought.)

Last thing, S3 is confirmed to be only 8 episodes. The writers spent 8 episodes in S2 having EJ and Gina just flirt with each other. I doubt Portwell will date and break up (and stay broken up) in the same season they just started dating. They even set up the strong possibility for a Portwell love confession someday b/c of the following allusions to love in regard to Gina and EJ: (2.06) EJ would ask his future self if “he could learn to love anyone after Belle,” then takes a seat right next to Gina [visual foreshadowing]; (2.08) Howie singing, “No lesson could teach me how I could have loved her and make her love me too” as EJ takes care of Gina while she sleeps by placing his Duke hoodie over her; and (2.11) Ricky and Ashlyn singing “Something There,” a love song about 2 ppl unexpectedly falling for each other while Gina and EJ send e/o hearteyes thruout the performance (at least 3 times!). When writing a story, like the writers for the show, you include these subtle/indirect hints, like love in relation to Portwell in S2, in order to bring that concept back up again in a more apparent way. I couldn’t help but notice the set up in S2 for a Portwell love confession, but there’s a clear lack of a set up for an EJ/Gina/Ricky love triangle. By S1 finale, we knew Gina still had feelings for Ricky, hence the somewhat awkward moments b/t them in the dressing room after “Stick to the Status Quo” performance and their hallway convo before “Breaking Free,” which was the writers setting up Gina’s storyline for S2. She was obviously still grappling with her feelings for Ricky, hence the S2 promo posters placing Ricky b/t Nini and Gina b/c he was gonna be an important part of both their stories that season. It was a love triangle -adjacent situation. In contrast, S2 does not set up a Gicky/Portwell love triangle by the finale. The writers have already set the foundation for a Portwell love confession and a long-awaited conversation b/t Ricky and Gina to restart their friendship. I am hoping that happens with Ricky realizing how poorly he treated Gina in S2, apologizing for it, and wanting to be good friends again.

Bottom-line, let’s all stop acting like the writers are gonna fuck it all up just for the sake of drama. EJ and Gina’s stories (both individually and together) have been wonderfully written so far (the writers going as far as paralleling PW’s first moment ever in 1.01- with EJ watching Gina from the wings with mutual respect for her as a performer, to their 2.11 moment- with EJ proudly watching Gina from the wings, tenderly admiring the kind of person she is. See here for gifs!) This show even brought in not one but two different guest stars to help further develop Portwell’s relationship in S2. Just sayin’. 

I see it this way: Gina and Ricky should be having positive interactions again in S3, esp after S2, and I’m hopeful for their renewed friendship again. And, if EJ and Gina don’t have their love confession this season, that’s deff something to look forward to in S4! Let’s face it, PW love confession is on the horizon, and the writers have set it up that way.            

[v-hope]

Tiger Lily

Pairing: Jeon Jeongguk x Reader

Genre: Fluff, slight angst, smut, established relationship, College!AU

Word Count: 11.3k

Summary: After finding out your boyfriend was the one to secretly leave flowers in your seat every week back in high school, you have many questions he’s willing to answer. And after finding out the reason the two of you had not gotten together back then was because of your ex best friend, the two of you decided that, first, you were never letting anyone else get in between you, and, second, you were making the most out of your time together from now on.

—Alternarively, the one in which you and your boyfriend finally get your place all to your own and he decides he’s not letting his nonexistent sexual experience stop him from having his way with you anymore.

Warnings: Virgin!JK (a.k.a. male virginity loss), fingering, cunnilingus, handjob (kinda), penetrative sex, protected sex, very slight (male) overstimulation, shy and confident guk keep switching places (when do they not), just very lovey dovey, very intimate.

A/N: Helloo, this is part 33 of my Social Media AU Tiger Flower, but you can still read it if you don’t follow the story. I’m actually shocked by how long this turned out to be but wbk I’m soft as hell for this couple 🥺 so please give it lots of love because I put a lot of effort in this ksñaks. I hope you guys enjoy! Oh, and also, I’m bolding the first and last sentence of the smut part, so if you don’t wanna read it just skip what’s in between the bolded words lol.

“I’ll get it” Yoongi announced when someone called on the door, leaving you and Jimin alone on the sofa as he rushed up to get it.

As soon as he opened it and Jeongguk stepped inside your shared place, bowing politely to your friends before his stare fell on you, you felt your heart race. Saying nothing, you gave him a closed mouth smile, having him do the same at the sight of yours. Although it hadn’t been longer than a week, it had been the longest you had gone without seeing each other ever since you became friends, and, even though you weren’t really showing it right then —as for some reason you were nervous as hell to see each other again—, it was unbelievable how happy you were at the mere sight of one another.

“We were just leaving” Yoongi informed, catching up on what was going on. After all, you had told both him and Jimin that your boyfriend would be coming over to talk things out.

“We were?” Jimin asked with furrowed eyebrows. “I just got home”.

“Let’s give them some privacy” he tilted his head towards the opened door so Jimin would tag along.

“I can go to my room for that”.

“Yah! We all know your nosy ass will eavesdrop everything that way” Yoongi called him out, and you didn’t miss the way Jeongguk had to lower his head not to show his amused smile, being already used to your roommates’ endless bickering antics by now. “Come on, let’s go see Jin hyung at his pub”.

Simple as that, Jimin left your side in a heartbeat to go to the door. “Well, I won’t say no to drinking” he admitted, stopping right in front of Jeongguk and pointing an accusing finger at him. “Take care of my baby”.

“My baby” Guk corrected him, mumbling his words low enough for you not to hear.

Although, unlike you, Jimin did hear —for that had been your boyfriend’s intention—, he said nothing, instead glaring at him the way he always did whenever that discussion over you took place at least twice a week, and walking out of the apartment for once and for all. Yoongi, on the other hand, gave the two of you a small thumbs up before following behind his friend.

And just like that, with the sound of the door closing, silence was quick to take over the room.

This was probably the first time ever since you met that neither of you knew what to say. Fuck, this was probably the first time in your life you didn’t know how to start a conversation. And it wasn’t like you could go over there and kiss him like you were dying to, could you? You had not completely made up yet. That’s what he was here for after all. To talk, not to make out. Although you weren’t really against that idea, and he most definitely was not either — the way his eyes fixed on your lips even all the way over from the door was enough to tell you so.

It had been a good couple of days since you had last seen each other after all.

“You, uh…” your voice came out quite unsteady as you stood up, fixing the plain t-shirt and cotton pyjama pants you were wearing. “Are you hungry?” you asked, walking towards the kitchen and having him quietly follow right behind as you entered it. “Wanna eat something? Drink something?”

He shook his head no when you turned around to look at him, resting your hands on the counter as you leaned against it. “Just wanna clear up your questions”.

You nodded, for that was what he was here for after all, to clear everything up so the two of you could go back to normal. So you could go back to being the happy couple you both loved so much.

“So what are they?” he pushed it when you stood there with no signs of wanting to speak any time soon.

“I just…” you shrugged, making yourself comfortable by sitting at the edge of the counter. “Why didn’t you tell me before that you were the one sending me flowers back then?”

He pouted in confusion as he came closer to you. “When?”

“When we were friends…”

“It would’ve been out of place back then, petal” he explained. “We were just friends and you were into someone else. It would’ve been awkward for us and I really didn’t wanna lose you as my friend” his voice couldn’t help but come out rather bitterly at that, remembering all the thoughts that had invaded his mind when he first saw his chance to let you know it had been him all along, all the thoughts that kept him back from telling you.

“And when we started dating?” you tilted your head. “You had so many chances to tell me, Guk…”

“When we started dating I just didn’t think it mattered anymore” he confessed, unconsciously resting his hands on your knees. “I had you, I really didn’t care about it anymore”.

“You could’ve still told me…”

“And how was I supposed to bring it up? It’s not something I can just say out of nowhere” he pointed out, having you nodding understandingly. “And what was I supposed to say anyway? Hey there, I’m your flower boy?”

A light laugh escaped his mouth when you playfully shoved him away at his words, mocking what you had once told him was the confession you had been expecting from your secret admirer. Holding your hands, he pulled you closer to the edge of the counter, and hence, closer to him. Taking advantage of that, you intertwined your fingers, enjoying the familiar warmth of his hands as you admired the way he softly swayed them together.

“This is so surreal” you sighed.

“In a good or a bad way?”

You shook your head, not being able to give him a proper answer. “I just… I always wanted it to be you so bad, and for a good while I was sure it was you, but it made sense that you were into Sooyeon instead”.

Jeongguk furrowed his eyebrows, the mere thought of ever feeling something for her making him want to gawk. “How could that have ever made sense?”

“She was more like you” you pointed out, rushing to make your point before he could snap at you for comparing the two of them. “Like, yes, she was popular and had lots of friends, but she was the most quiet out of all of us. Believe it or not, she was really shy back then, an—”

“And why would I have wanted more of the same?”

“Huh?” you were taken aback by his question.

“You’re saying she was like me, then I don’t understand why would I have wanted to be with her” he said as if it was obvious.  “If I barely ever speak and so did she… I mean, how would that have even worked out?”

You shrugged, not being able to help the small smile that had started curving up your lips. “Is that why you fall for loud asses like me? So someone else will make up for your lack of talking?”

He chuckled at the teasing tone in your voice, allowing his hands to travel up to your thighs and tenderly drawing circles on them with his thumbs. “Not really” your eyebrows knitted together at his words. “There were a lot of loud girls who would not shut up to save their lives in our class and I didn’t really like them. If anything, they annoyed the hell out of me”.

“Why’d you even want to be with me then?” you wondered, being genuinely curious as to what about your loud, chatty antics, made you different to the rest of your loud classmates.

“You really don’t know why I’ve always liked you?”

You shook your head no. “Why is it?”

Taking in a deep breath, he took a step back so he could collect his thoughts before answering your question. “I don’t think you even remember when I just transferred to our high school in the second year, let alone my first day there. Mrs. Kang made me sit on the empty table next to yours and then proceeded to pass around a surprise test, and me being me, of course I forgot my pencil case at home that day,” he huffed, causing you to chuckle under your breath. “So I just sat there internally freaking out because I couldn’t bring myself to ask anyone for a pen, like I couldn’t move and my voice literally wouldn’t come out no matter how hard I tried” a breathy laugh abandoned his lips. “And I was accepting the idea of turning in a blank paper when suddenly a pen was placed on my table. So my eyes followed your hand back to your table and there you were with your eyes stuck to the test, solving the math problems like you had not just saved me from failing on my very first day as the new kid,” you laughed at his dramatism, however, you managed to remember about that moment. “And then as soon as the class ended you were surrounded by people and you were all talking nonstop and I didn’t know how to give you your pen back, so I tried to slide it into your table but you caught me and told me I could keep it, that it was a ‘welcome present’, and then you smiled at me and honestly that was it for me, Y/N”.

“It was?” you wondered in awe, eyes shining when he nodded.

“I didn’t like loud and popular people up until then, which is kinda weird considering Tae’s my best friend” a throaty laugh escaped your lips at his remark. “But although you were those things, you always got me. You just… understood, in a way. Like, you didn’t pressure me to talk or made me feel bad for not doing so, like the rest of the popular kids did. If anything, you would try to make me feel like I wasn’t all on my own whilst leaving me alone like I wanted” he tilted his head, wondering if what he just said had made any sense, knowing you understood his point when you smiled ever so sweetly. “Like when you added me to your group project one time and let me send my part instead of having to go hang out with you and your friends for an entire afternoon, or when you would invite me to your birthdays along with the rest of the class and then proceeded to tell me not to feel pressured to go if I didn’t feel like it. And even now, ever since the beginning you made me feel good about not really being into partying and barely ever talking”.

“You’ve been more talkative with me lately, though” you pointed out as you mindlessly played with the hair at the back of his head. “Although this is the most I’ve ever heard you talk”.

He chuckled, playfully pinching your thighs. “Don’t get used to it”.

“I won’t, I won’t” you chuckled, planting a chaste kiss to his chest. “Anyway, you said I get you but I didn’t let you do your part of the project on your own this year, though” you reminded him with a feigned pout that he couldn’t help but find the cutest. “And I force you to spend time with me pretty much everyday now. Will you forgive me?”

Jeongguk let out a throaty laugh, leaning in just enough for his lips to press to your cheek. “I got to date you now thanks to that, so you’re forgiven” he planted another kiss to the curved up corner of your smiling mouth. “And funny how you think you’re forcing me when half the time it’s me asking to hang out”.

You giggled. “We love a 50/50 relationship”.

Tilting your head ever so slightly to take a better look at him after hearing him chuckle, you were greatly surprised by his lips pressing down on yours.

Although you had jokingly said that last sentence, it was not far from the truth at all. It wasn’t just you chasing after him and wanting to be with him all the time, but him wanting the exact same all the same. So you could tell by the way he was kissing you right then. It was slow, painfully slow, yet the way his hands were firmly cupping your face to keep you from moving away as he deepened the kiss, could not fail to tell you just how much he had missed you, needed you, those past few days you were apart.

Pressing one small peck to his mouth, you tugged at the fabric of his sweatshirt to pull him closer to your body, later wrapping your arms tightly around his waist and resting your face on his chest — a content sigh escaping your mouth when his arms did the same with you and his lips kissed the crown of your head.

“It really never would’ve crossed my mind that you liked me way before the whole flowers thing...”

“Not even when that one summer we would keep running into each other at the park and you would catch me staring from time to time?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

The heat didn’t wait to reach your cheeks at that. You remembered that very well, for it was the summer you caught feelings for him as well, the one right before you entered your last year of high school. You would go out for walks on your own just for the sake of doing something other than staying in texting your friends all day long, and would run into him most of the time while he walked his dog, the one you now knew was named Gold.

Although you had talked in class more than once —or well, you had talked to him more than once—, you were not friends, and hence, neither of you got the guts to come close to one another to try and start small talk. However, that didn’t stop either of you from staring at each other when you were not looking. Sometimes you would catch each other staring, though, and you couldn’t stop an amused smile from curving up your lips when you remembered one particular time he had choked on air when you smiled at him after catching his eyes being fixed on you, just like he had choked earlier this year when you had asked him if you could sit next to him in class. It seemed to be a habit of his by now, at least when it came to you.

“I thought you were just judging me over the way I was always sniffing the flowers and taking pictures of them…” you admitted, for although a part of you did want to believe he was into you back then, you couldn’t really bring yourself to fully believe it.

He pulled you back by your shoulders so he could give you a questioning look. “Judging you with heart eyes?”

“Yah!” you called him out, feeling your cheeks burn.

Jeongguk laughed, shaking his head in amusement. “I really just couldn’t take my eyes away from you, you looked so hypnotized by them and it was the cutest to me”.

“Is that why you thought about secretly giving me flowers?” you couldn’t help but ask.

He nodded, lowering his head. “I know it would’ve been easier to just talk to you, but I really couldn’t bring myself to do it. Fuck, I even was a nervous wreck this year when you first talked to me,” a breathy laugh escaped his mouth. “So I just… thought I could do that for a while until I got the guts to confess. Although I guess a part of me really wanted you to find out, because whilst looking for different kinds flowers I came across tiger lilies and, apart from finding out they were my birth flower, their meaning just fit so well with what I wanted to do and I just—”

“What do they mean?” you asked.

“It’s cheesy” he let you know with pleading eyes, silently asking you not to make him say it out loud. “Like, really cheesy”.

“Come on,” you begged with pouty lips, getting a hold of his hands. “I’ll look it up on the internet either way if you don’t tell me”.

He shook his head in both amusement and embarrassment altogether, knowing well enough you would do just that if he did not comply right then. So, biting down on his bottom lip, he said: “Please, love me”.

Your eyebrows furrowed in clear confusion. “Huh?”

“They mean ‘please, love me’” he clarified at the sight of your puzzled face, and your heart skipped a beat as you froze in your place. “I told you it was cheesy”.

“No, no, it’s not that. I just… is that what…” you pressed your lips together as you tried to compose yourself. “Did you… do you mean that?” it was now his turn to look confused, tilting his head to the side because of it. “You want me to love you?”

And although to you it seemed like a complicated question to answer, to him, on the other hand, it wasn’t. So, nodding his head immediately, he let you know that was exactly what he wanted.

“Back then, even when we were teenagers and barely ever talked, and I knew nothing about love, I was convinced I was in love with you… even if I knew it was one sided. And now that I got to be your friend and then your boyfriend, I…” he took in a deep breath, staring down to your hands in his before his eyes went back to yours. “I know more than ever that I love you. I love you so much, Y/N. And I know loving someone takes time, and I don’t want to push you or rush you at all, but if you could just try and find it in you to love me back someday, I—”

The small chuckle that abandoned your lips caused his mouth to shut close in an instant, not understanding what was so funny about his words and for a split second there feeling uneasy. However, all his worries went away when you cupped his face in your hands, staring at his lips for a brief second before your eyes went up to fix on his.

“I already love you, you dummy”.

Not giving him time to process your truthful words, if anything, knowing it would take him a while to do so, you leaned in to steal a small kiss from his lips, pecking them ever so tenderly a couple of times until he smiled, finally understanding the meaning of your words and placing his hands on the back of your neck to keep you from pulling away as he sucked on your bottom lip.

“Say it again?” he pleaded in between kisses, not being able to erase the huge smile on his face.

You chuckled teasingly. “Nope”.

“Yah,” he let go fully of your mouth. “You’re always speaking nonstop and now that I for once ask you to say something, you won’t?”

“Exactly” you smiled brightly, giggling when he squinted his eyes at you and leaning in to peck his mouth a couple more times. “I love you, bun” you cooed, being done with your teasing way earlier than you had planned to.

And it was the way you loved him back, along with the way you had gone back to call him that pet name he was the softest about, what had him giving you one of those bunny smiles of his that made you come up with that name to begin with.

“You won’t say it back?” you wondered, batting your lashes for him to take a hint.

Nevertheless, he shook his head no. “I already said it twice, we’re even”.

“Yah!” you lightly shoved him off, only to have him standing right back in between your legs like he had been during your entire conversation. “Jeongguk-ah~”

“Yes, baby?” he played innocent.

“Tell me you love me” you pouted, crossing your arms over your chest.

Letting out a light laugh, he cupped your face and gave your mouth a chaste kiss. “I love you, petal”.

You smiled sweetly, allowing him to plant a few more kisses on your mouth before you pressed your lips to the spot under his jawline, resting your face on his chest as he wrapped his arms around you once more.

“You should’ve confessed back then” you lamented, looking up to his face yet only being met by the sight of his chin. “Why didn’t you?”

He sighed, resting his chin on the top of your head and tightening the hold of his arms around your waist.

There it was, the most important question out of them all. The one he had came here to talk about, yet he had completely forgotten about as he had gotten caught up on making up with you instead. And now that things were finally good between you two, he couldn’t help but fear bringing up said person and what she had done would make things worse all over again.

“I was going to” he let you know. “That was the plan all along”.

Your eyebrows knitted together, sitting up so you could fix your questioning eyes on his troubled expression. “Then why didn’t you?” you repeated your previous question.

He sighed heavily, causing your body to tense up, as you knew right then you wouldn’t like what he was about to tell you. “Sooyeon…”

“What?” you pushed it when he stopped right after mentioning her name. “What did she do?!”

He bit the inside of his cheek. Although he had found out about everything a few days ago and had gotten some time to come to terms with it, it still hurt just as much. All the lost time and what it could have been, all the possibilities that could’ve come with having been with you as a couple ever since your last year of high school, still made his blood boil.

“She found out I was your flower boy one morning and she told me I was wasting my time…”

“What?!” your loud tone was a mix of both worry and anger. “Jeongguk, what did she tell you?”

He shrugged, a weak smile curving up his lips. “Does it matter anymore?”

“Of course it does” you argued. “It does to me”.

Letting out another sigh, knowing well enough he could not avoid this anymore, as you deserved to know the whole story just like he did, he grabbed your hands and gently held them in his — partially wanting to let you know it was alright, partially wanting to feel like it was alright. “She said you had told her you hoped it wasn’t me because you would have to give me a chance out of pity,” the look in your eyes right then made his heart hurt. “Because I was not popular, and I barely ever talked, so you would always be bored around me yet would have to pretend like you were not…”

“Bun, I never said that. I neve—”

“I know” he cut you off before you could freak out completely. “Petal, I know that now”.

“No, but she lied!” you raised your voice for him to hear you out. “I’m never bored around you, you know that, right? And the few times we got to talk back then I was never bored either, I…”

“Baby, I know…” he soothed you, cupping your face and pressing his forehead on yours. “I know. It’s okay”.

“Guk, I had feelings for you back then” you confessed, feeling your voice break.

He took in a shaky breath. Somehow, hearing that coming from you had hurt more than finding out from someone else like he had a few days ago. “It’s okay”.

And it was. It really was. You were together now. Somehow, you had managed to find your way back to each other years later and didn’t have to know what your lives were like without each other. However, the fact that it was alright, it didn’t mean it did not hurt. Because it did hurt. Thinking you could’ve been together ever since three years ago. How you wouldn’t have dated that asshole who broke your heart, and how he wouldn’t have gone three years of his life believing he was not enough. All of that, was not something the two of you could easily let go of.

“So all this time... you really believed I had said that about you? Even when we were friends, when we became a couple…” your voice sounded more broken by the second. “You let me back into your life even when I had supposedly said all those things back then?”

“Call me delusional, but I still really wanted to be close to you” he sheepishly admitted. That’s how he knew he would always have a soft spot for you, no matter what. “And anyway, baby, in my mind that was the high school you. You didn’t seem like the person who said those things back then at all when I got to actually meet you” he reassured you, then bitterly adding: “Now I can see why”.

You breathed uneasily. “You’re too good to me…”

“Yah, Y/N” he called you out immediately. “I told you, we’re not doing this”.

“But I really don’t deserve y—”

Your words were cut off by his lips softly pressing down on yours. Just like you would always call him out whenever he thought less of himself, hating it when he did that, he, too, hated hearing you say stuff like that about yourself.

“It doesn’t matter anymore” he whispered against your lips.

“Yes, it does…” you pouted. “She lied to both of us and we believed her. We could’ve been together ever since...”

“I know…”

“Three years, Guk. We lost three fucking years” you reminded him. “What if I hadn’t asked you to be my partner in the project this year, I mean, I wouldn’t even have you in my life and all because of her”.

“I know” he couldn’t hide the bitterness in his words this time. Because he knew very well what you were feeling, for he had felt the exact same a few days ago. “But can we just… forget about it?”  

“No, I want to beat the shit out of her” your determined, poisonous tone, could do no other than earn a loud giggle from him.

“Do that later?” he pressed his lips to the crook of your neck. “She already took enough time away from us, let’s not let her get in between us anymore. We’re making up now, it’s just us two...”

It was now your turn to giggle, relaxing under his loving touch and nodding your head in agreement before you leaned in to briefly press your mouth to his jaw. “We’ll just have to catch up on all those lost years then”.

He laughed under his breath, cupping your face once more as he leaned in just enough for his lips to faintly brush yours. “I guess we’ll just have to do that”.

Enjoying the sound of that, you puckered your lips up right as his soft ones came in contact with them, wrapping your arms tightly around his neck so you could deepen the kiss. Humming contentedly when his tongue made its way inside your mouth, you felt his hands let go of your face and wander down your back, holding onto your hips to bring you even closer to the edge of the kitchen counter, at which you reacted by wrapping your legs around his hips to help him create the friction between your bodies he was asking for.

You found yourself letting go of his neck to dig your hands inside his sweatshirt instead, smiling coyly at the way you felt goosebumps form on his skin. You had discovered not long ago he was quite ticklish on his sides, and you absolutely loved faintly running your hands along them just to get that reaction out of him.

He breathed heavily when your fingertips made their way up his abs, letting his hands go down lower from their current spot on your back and placing them on your ass instead, giving it a light squeeze as he took advantage on said action to grind his hips against your center.

“Mm…” you let out quietly, finding out just then how much you had missed feeling him close like that.

“You think they’ll be home soon?” he asked, referring to your two chaotic friends, as he peppered a trail of kisses down to your neck.

“They must be just getting started on drinking” you let him know, a smile curving up your lips at the sensation of his wet ones sucking on your skin. “Why? You got something in mind?”

The chuckle that left his mouth tickled your skin, feeling one last kiss being placed on it before his lips were briefly back on yours. “Only if you’re up for it”.

Your lips parted in a bright smile, without another word, shoving him lightly out of the way so you could place your feet on the ground — gently taking his hand in yours and having his adoring eyes stuck to you as you guided him over to your room.

Once inside, and as you let go of his hold so you could turn around to lock the door just in case your friends decided to come home earlier than expected, his eyes fell on the multiple tiger lilies he had left on your seat over the last two days, along with the bouquet of flowers he had sent over to your place earlier that day, all of them carefully lying on your desk by one side of the bed. Smiling at the fact that you had kept them all —as he had been worried you would’ve thrown them away when he first sent them—, he turned around towards you right as you were done with the door, cupping your face immediately and bringing his lips to meet yours in a quite needy kiss.

Walking you backwards towards the bed as he refused to break the hot contact between your mouths, he helped you lie down on it as he crawled over your figure, parting your legs open with his knee so he could lie in between them — a light laugh of his resonating against your mouth when your hands were back into his sweatshirt and the trace of your fingertips tickled his sides.

Wanting more of you as well, he found himself digging his hands inside your t-shirt just like he had grown fond of ever since that one time in his room, letting them make their way up to your breasts so he could tease them a little bit. Only, this time, he was met not by the thin fabric of your bra, but with your soft skin instead — feeling your nipples instantly harden at his sudden touch as a small hum abandoned your lips.

Not being able to hide his —very pleasant— surprise, he withdrew his lips from yours; wide eyes staring at you before they travelled down to your still covered breasts.

At his quite cute reaction, you couldn’t help but let out a giggle. “I’m wearing pyjamas, is it really that surprising?”

It shouldn’t be. He knew that very well, considering you had not once worn a bra whenever you slept over at each other’s. However, being so caught up in the moment, he had seemed to forget about that altogether.

Deciding to say nothing, he leaned down instead to trap your bottom lip in between his again, sucking lightly on it as his hands squeezed your breasts in such a way that left you wanting more in a heartbeat.

“Mm… fuck” you moaned ever so quietly when one of his thumbs teased your nipple.

Smiling at your reaction, he moved his kisses all the way down from your mouth to your collarbone, feeling your chest heavily move up and down when his mouth came close to it. Firmly placing his hands on the curve under your breasts, he lifted your body up with ease to adjust you up enough on the mattress so that your still covered breasts were now right under his face.

Not giving you a second to process what had just happened, he lowered his face to your chest, pressing open mouth kisses on the fabric that was still covering it, and getting another moan out of you when his hand went back to teasing one of your breasts under your t-shirt, while his hot mouth sucked on your other one over it.

“Guk, fuck” you gasped, feeling goosebumps form on your skin when his lips travelled down to your bellybutton and his hands abandoned your chest to tug at the end of your top instead.

Biting down on his lip, he glanced up to you before doing anything else. “Is it okay if I?”

Although his question had been left incomplete, you answered him with an eager nod of your head, wanting nothing but to feel his wet mouth on your sensitive buds already.

Tongue wetting his lips in anticipation, he lifted your t-shirt over your chest — leaving it still on yet completely exposing you to his eyes. And it was the way his eyes fixed on your naked chest like the world had just stopped, what managed to make you nervous enough to bring your arms up to cover them.

“I would’ve worn something hotter for you to look at if I had known this was going to happen” you couldn’t help but joke your way out of it.

Jeongguk laughed lightly, leaning down to peck your neck a couple of times, trying to ease your sudden nervousness. “I don’t think anything could ever top this”.

Because although he was sure getting to see you in lingerie would be one hell of a sight, he loved this view the most. He loved looking at you, with absolutely nothing on the way of your body and his eyes.

And just like that, his teasing yet genuine words were the last push you needed to relax under both his touch and stare, allowing him to gently grab your wrists and remove your arms from off your chest. Receiving a small nod from you when his questioning eyes fixed on yours for a second, he planted two short kisses to your mouth before they were back on your chest.

Your back curved up with the first lap of his tongue on one of your nipples, feeling your breathing become heavier when his lips wrapped around it without any kind of warning.

“Jeongguk…” you moaned in what sounded like a plea.

Wanting to hear more of his name coming out as one of your pretty moans, he swirled his tongue harder around your bud, right as his thumb teased the one he had left unattended until then - not many seconds going by before he moved his mouth over to it so he could tease it as well.

“Fuck,” you gasped when his mouth sucked on your skin. “Jeongguk”.

Catching on the way you had pushed your hips slightly up to try and get some friction out of his already hardened length, he found himself giving you one slow thrust that had you both moaning whilst wanting more. Instead of grinding on you again, however, he let go of your breast and let his hand wander down to your pants instead, palming your already wet core through them before he fidgeted with their waistband.

“Please,” you begged.

“Hm?” he hummed against your jaw, as he placed a sweet kiss to it before going to your lips.

“Your fingers” you managed to blurt out, feeling like you were losing your mind over the way his long fingers were now teasingly digging inside your pants. “Jeongguk, please”.

Although he found out right then that he  loved hearing you beg, he wanted the most to make you feel good, which is why he was quick to comply with your wishes. Palming you now over your damp panties, he felt your body shake at the contact — a gasp escaping your mouth when his fingers made the fabric aside and they started rubbing circle motions on your folds.

You felt warmer and way more wet than he had expected, and he felt the sudden urge to run his tongue along your folds to get a taste of your arousal. However, right then, he knew what you wanted, what you needed, were his fingers inside of you. So, he did just that.

“Ah, fuck” you threw your head harder against the mattress when one of his fingers made its way into you.

“You’re so tight...” he breathed out in amazement, feeling himself get harder at the thought of what it would be like to feel your walls tightening around his cock instead.

Slowly shifting his finger inside your responsive walls, he focused on taking in your facial expressions to try and figure out what pace you liked the most — sticking with a faster one after one particular moan had escaped your lips right after he speeded up his pistoning motions.

“Like that?” he asked nevertheless, planting a lingering kiss to your chest.

“Yes” you managed to blurt out, grinding your hips against his finger, being desperate for more.

Catching up on that, he added another digit, hissing at the way your walls had seemed to tighten even more around them. Opening and closing his fingers in scissoring motions as he tried to stretch you out so he could move around with ease, he felt your breathing become heavier by the second, letting out a choked moan when he experimented by curling his digits against your walls.

“Oh, fuck” you whimpered when he curled them once more, managing to hit with them that one spot that could make you come undone in a matter of minutes.

“Feels good?” he asked, admiring your factions as you were too immersed in your own pleasure to remember how to speak.

“Mhm…” you answered with a simple sound instead, mewling when his motions sped up their pace. “So good”.

“Fuck,” he blurted when he felt your juices running down your slit. “Baby, you’re dripping”.

“Jeongguk, don’t stop” you begged when you felt his fingers no longer moving inside of you, desperately grabbing his wrist when you felt them start to pull out. “Don’t stop”.

He reassured you with an intoxicating kiss that made you dizzy. “I wanna eat you out”.

Your breath hitched at his low words, feeling your walls tighten when you opened your eyes to meet his hungry ones. And you didn’t have to even think before you were nodding your head. You needed him, that was all you knew. No matter if it were his fingers, his mouth or his cock, you were desperate for him right then, and would let him have you however he wanted.

Kissing your lips one more time, he felt you whimper against his mouth when his fingers pulled out of you, causing you to close your legs as you tried to replace the way they felt with the friction your thighs could provide you with. It didn’t last long, though, for Jeongguk was quick to pull them open once more so he could remove your pyjama pants along with your panties, licking his lips in anticipation at the perfect sight he got of your dripping folds.

“Fuck, you’re so hot” he rasped, causing your cheeks to burn and another whimper escape your mouth when his thumb brushed faintly over your clit.

“Jeongguk, please” begging seemed to be your only way of communication that night, and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t enjoying the hell out of it.

Pulling you closer to him, he placed your thighs over his shoulders before he finally brought his face up to your heat. Worrying for a split second there, as he was not entirely sure as to what was the right way to do this, he decided to go with his instinct —just like he had done seconds ago when his fingers were inside of you— and begin by slowly sliding his tongue through your folds. The way your body had trembled and a moan of yours had reached his ears as soon as he did, let him know he was doing well.

Delving his tongue in your slit, you instinctively reacted by pulling your hips slightly away from him at the pleasure his ministrations were giving you, and Jeongguk didn’t hesitate before grabbing your thighs and pulling you closer to his mouth once more, sucking on your wet heat before he pushed his tongue inside.

“Oh, God” you whimpered when he started fucking you with his tongue. “J-Jeongguk, yes”.

Moaning loudly when he pushed a finger back into you, you grabbed onto one of your breasts with one hand, as your other one travelled down to entangle your fingers in his already messy hair, earning a muffled moan from him when you pulled lightly at it.

Curling his finger inside you the way he had found out drove you crazy, his mouth let go of your heat, planting a small kiss on it before he licked his way up your folds and stopped by your clit. Although he was not experienced in all this at all, he did know stimulating that small button of yours could work wonders, and he was willing to give it a try. The second he swirled his tongue around it and you cried out in pleasure, he knew it wouldn’t take much longer before you reached your climax if he kept applying pressure on that particular spot.

Tightening his hold on one of your thighs to keep you from moving away as your body writhed beneath him, he added a second finger inside you, sucking on your clit before his tongue came in contact with it again.

“Mm—ah, Jeongguk. Fuck” you cried incoherently, curling your toes as you felt your climax getting closer. “Fuck, d-don’t stop”.

Feeling your walls tighten around his fingers, he could tell as well that you were close. Pushing his digits deeper into you, he managed to hit once more that one spot you needed him the most.

“Right there” you let him know, curving your back when he followed your words and his fingers brushed over it once more. “Oh, righ—fuck!” you whimpered.

“Let go, baby” he rasped, replacing his mouth on your clit with his thumb and pressing down on it in circle motions. “Cum for me”.

The mere sound of that, along with the way his mouth had came in contact with your folds as his fingers kept fucking into you, were all you needed to finally come undone under his touch, crying out his name one last time as his fingers helped you ride out your orgasm.

Closing your eyes and letting the aftershocks take over your body, you moaned lightly at the feel of your boyfriend’s tongue running along your slit, tasting the juices that were dripping down on it and licking you clean before he made his way back next to you, hovering over your figure and kissing you hungrily yet somehow gently. One of his thumbs caressed your hip as his other one came in contact with your chin, drawing circular motions on your skin as you kissed him back — eyes still closed as you felt your body finally steadying.

“Was that alright?” he asked, planting a lingering kiss to your mouth.

Opening your eyes, you looked at him with disbelief written all over them. “It was amazing” you reassured him with a smile nevertheless, allowing his mouth to come in contact with yours once more.

Pulling him closer by wrapping one arm around his neck, you felt something hard poke one of your sides, causing you to undo the kiss and stare down to the outline of his hardened member against the loose fabric of his pants.

“Want me to help you with that again?” you teasingly raised one of your eyebrows, earning a small lip bite from him at the memories of how good you had made him feel not too long ago.

Although it took him a second, he nodded his head. A smile curved up the corners of your lips at that, only for it to be replaced with a frown when his hand stopped you from reaching for his cock.

“Not like that” he shook his head.

You pouted in confusion. “Then how…”

Wetting his lips with his tongue, he leaned down to brush his mouth with yours. “I want to fuck you”.

You felt a wave of heat hit your body at his words, for although he had just seen and touched pretty much all of you, and you had just offered to suck him off, you had thought that would be as far as you’d get, just like that one time in his room when it had led to nothing else.

“W-What?” your voice betrayed you by stuttering a bit.

“I want to fuck you” he repeated, sounding just as determined as he had before. “You don’t want to?”

“No, I want to!” you were quick to clarify. Fuck, you wanted to. “It’s just… You sure you want this? With me?”

“I’ve wanted to have you like this for so long, Y/N. I could not be any more sure” his words sent shivers up your spine. “Besides, sorry to remind you, petal, but you are my girlfriend, so…”

“That I am, huh?” you played along, pulling him down by the neck of his sweatshirt so your lips could meet his. “Then I guess I’ll be good to you tonight and let you have your way with me”.

Smiling contentedly at your words, he wasted no time in crashing his mouth on yours, burying one of his hands under your t-shirt to give one of your breasts a tight squeeze before he tugged at the end of the fabric — eyebrows furrowing slightly and puzzled eyes opening when you held your top down by pressing your arms to your sides, not allowing him to pull it up so he could take it off.

“Wha—”

“It’s unfair you’re about to leave me naked while you’re still fully dressed, don’t you think?” you pointed out with pouty lips.

Rolling his eyes in amusement, he sat up on the mattress so he could take his sweatshirt off, being followed by you right after, as you helped him get rid of it with a smile on your face. Now, you had seen him shirtless once, when you were having food in his room one evening and he stained his t-shirt with soda, proceeding to change into another one right in front of you, but you had seen little to nothing of his torso, as he had turned almost fully around as he did so. And hence now, you could not hide the hungry look on your face as you stared at his toned chest.

“My eyes are up here” he teased you with an amused smile, causing you to send a playful glare his way.

“You didn’t exactly look into my eyes either when you pulled my t-shirt up, so…”

He chuckled at your snarky remark, leaning in to connect his mouth with yours and then tugging once more at the end of your top, just like he had done a minute before. This time, however, you pulled your arms up, letting go of his mouth so he could get rid of that one last piece of clothing of yours that was bothering him so much.

Not wasting any more time, you helped him out of the rest of his clothes as well, giggling against his lips when they needingly crashed on yours once more, with one swift movement lying you down on the mattress as your curious, wandering hands became familiar with each other’s bodies.

A raspy moan escaped Jeongguk’s throat when your hand stroked his member, being followed by a choked one when you tightly wrapped your hand around it, gently moving it up and down his length.

“Fuck, Y/N” he breathed heavily, burying his face in the crook of your neck as he unconsciously thrusted into your hand. “I need you”.

You smiled at the sound of his begging words, leaving a small kiss on his naked shoulder before you released his member from your hold and pushed him on his back, letting him adjust into a more comfortable position as he rested his back against the headboard, before you sunk your knees down on the mattress on each side of his lap — his hands immediately resting on the curve of your waist and a shaky breath coming out of his mouth at the feel of your wet core rubbing ever so faintly against his cock.

“You sure you want this?” you asked.

He eagerly nodded his head, pulling you back to meet his swollen lips. “I want you so bad”.

Feeling a wave of heat rushing through your body at that, you nodded your head, pecking his lips one more time before you reached for your nightstand, opening its small drawer and taking a condom out of it. Going back to your boyfriend, you were met with his rather taken aback expression.

“You knew this was going to happen or…” he questioned with a raised brow and a teasing smile.

You shook your head as a shy smile curved up your lips. “The two idiots I live with filled my drawer with them when we started staying over at each other’s regularly” you explained with a roll of eyes. “They also left a box full of them in my closet”.

Jeongguk laughed wholeheartedly at that. “Well, that’s good to hear. They will come in handy”.

Laughing along with him at his joyful remark, you opened the small envelope in your hands, pulling slightly back so you were no longer hovering over his member and could slide the condom on it with ease — feeling Jeongguk’s breath hitch at both the unfamiliar feel of the thin latex around his length, and the familiar one of your hands on it. Staring back at him once you were done, you stole a sweet kiss from his lips, hearing him moan against your mouth when your hand was once more wrapped around his cock, pumping it a couple more times as you aligned it with your entrance.

And then, locking eyes with him for a second, you kissed him slowly. As slowly as you had started to sink down on him.

Letting go of the kiss as he involuntarily tilted his head back, Jeongguk let out a loud moan, immediately getting lost into what was without a doubt the most pleasure he had ever felt. And he knew right away that your warm, wet walls wrapping tightly around his member, was something he could easily become addicted to.

Staring lovingly at the way his eyes remained closed and his mouth slightly open, you couldn’t help but moan as well as you pushed down lower on him, feeling your walls stretching as you tried to take his entire length.

“Fuck” he rasped when he was completely inside of you.

Tightening his hold on your hips, he pulled you slightly closer to him on his lap, not being able to hold back a blissful chuckle at the way the friction he had just created made him feel.

“What is it?” you wondered with a smile of your own when he leaned in to rest his forehead on your shoulder.

“It feels so good” he let you know with another chuckle.

Joining him on his sudden outburst of joy, you let out a light laugh just as he pressed an open mouth kiss to your shoulder, loving to be the one who got to share this moment with him — to be the one he wanted to share this moment with. Pressing a small kiss to the top of his head, you placed two fingers under his chin to push it up and have him look at you. Once he did, you leaned in to steal a lingering kiss.

“I love you” you said for the third time that night.

He smiled brightly, bringing his lips up to yours and locking them in a slow kiss. “I love you more”.

Opening your mouth to fight him on that, what came out of it instead was a choked moan after he pulled your hips down on his cock.

“Jeongguk, fuck” you let your forehead fall to his shoulder when he pushed his hips up to yours.

Slowly rolling your hips, you met him right as he thrusted up on you once more, causing a small moan to make its way out of his mouth. “Mm… baby…”

With his hands firmly grabbing your hips, you let him guide the pace as you rode him, loosely wrapping your arms around his neck and resting your forehead on his as the two of you grew used to the rhythm he was leading. Closing your eyes, you let your heavy breathings mix as they were now, along with a few moans here and there, the only sound filling your silent bedroom.

“O-Oh, fuck” you gasped when he pulled you down harder on him, somehow managing to push deeper inside of you.

You leaned slightly back when he repeated said action, tilting your head back as well and then humming quietly when you felt his warm lips wrap around one of your breasts, slowly sucking on your nipple, as you had just given him the perfect opportunity to do just that, wrapping his arms tightly around your waist and pulling you closer to him as you kept rolling your hips at the same pace he had created for you before.

“Mh—ah! Fuck” he moaned when you pushed your legs up, enough for only half of his cock to be inside of you, to later take it all in again. “Y/N…”

Doing it again, you couldn’t stop the whimper that had just abandoned your mouth as his length had managed to reach that soft spot of yours. Needing more of him, you sped up the pace of your grinding against his hips, feeling him finally let go of your sensitive bud to let his sweaty forehead rest in the crook of your neck as his moans became louder by the second.

“Wait, wait” he demanded breathily, placing his hands on your hips and firmly holding them down so you would stop moving. “Stop”.

“What’s wrong?” you worried, doing as told in a heartbeat.

He shook his head no, quietly letting you know nothing was really wrong, as he buried his face deeper in the crook of your neck and closed his eyes while he tried his best to catch his breath. “Feels too good” he admitted in a raspy voice. “Don’t wanna cum yet”.

You giggled under your breath, finding silent joy on the fact that he hadn’t asked you to stop because he wasn’t enjoying what you were doing, but because he was liking it too much.

Lowering your head to his shoulder, you planted a small kiss on it. “You can cum if you want” you let him know, pressing another soothing kiss to the crook of his neck. “I understand”.

He shook his head no, letting out a heavy sigh as his thumbs drew tender circles on your skin. Maybe it was his ego, or just the fact that he really wanted to make you feel good too, maybe both, what made him refuse to let himself go right then, no matter how bad he wanted to. No matter how hard it was not to.

Smiling sweetly at him, you brought one of your hands up to his damp hair while your other one caressed his back, entangling your fingers in his dark locks as you waited for him to come down from the high he had been about to reach. Letting out a sigh when he felt like he could finally breathe again, he placed his hands on your back to pull you closer — lips looking for yours when your naked chest pressed on his.

Kissing him hard, you opened your mouth for his tongue to meet yours after it had traced your bottom lip, wrapping your arms tightly around his neck and trying your best not to roll your hips like you were dying to. Although you didn’t have to hold back for much longer, for with one last kiss and with his warm hands still holding you down on his cock, he pushed it deeper inside of you.

“Fuck” you gasped at the sudden stimulation, taking it as your cue to start moving as well.

“F—Y/N” he moaned when your hips met his in the middle, as they pushed into you once more.

Helping you lead the pace once again, he held you by the waist, digging his fingers into your hot skin and deciding right there, as you moaned his name and your walls tightened around his cock, that he wanted to take over from then on. So, with a swift movement, you were now under him as he laid your back on the mattress — a light moan escaping your lips when he pulled out of you to make you more comfortable on the bed, immediately becoming whiny as you missed his whole length inside of you.

“No, don’t stop fucking me” you pouted, breath hitching when he grabbed your thighs and pulled you closer to where he was sitting down on the mattress. “Jeongguk, please”.

He smiled at both the sound and sight of you right then, really enjoying them one hell of a lot. It was your messy hair, swollen lips and naked chest that moved up and down as you breathed heavily, along with the neediness in your voice as you were begging for him once more, what made it easy for him to decide he liked being in control.

Catching your bottom lip in his mouth as he adjusted himself in between your legs, he heard you beg one more time against his lips. However, just as you did, he felt one of your hands desperately go down to your center so you could feel something inside of you. Only you didn’t get to, for his hand grabbed your wrist right before your fingers could find their way inside, managing to grab your other one as well and pin them over your head as he pushed his hips down enough for the head of his cock to align with your wet center.

“I’m the one fucking you tonight, petal”.

You moaned at the sound of his words being murmured against your neck — the way such sweet pet name had been said with such a lustful tone right then, making you somehow even more needy for him.

“Please,” you breathed out, overwhelmed by the way his mouth teased the sensitive skin of your neck and he rubbed his cock against your core, not quite pushing into you yet. “Jeongguk, please. I need you”.

“What was that?” he wondered teasingly.

“I need you” you repeated. “Jeongguk, please. Please fuck m—ah!” your head was thrown back in pleasure when he slammed his entire length into you, just the way you were so badly begging for.

Hungrily kissing your mouth, he muffled the moans that came out of it with each thrust of his hips — letting go of your lips as a low groan made its way out of his throat when your walls wrapped tighter than he had felt them do that evening, as you were getting closer to reach your high.

Letting his forehead fall to your shoulder, he muffled a cry against your skin as you wrapped your legs around his waist and your walls tightened once more against his cock, knowing right then he wouldn’t be able to last much longer.

“Harder” you pleaded breathily, arching your back as he wasted no time in complying. “F-Fuck, Jeongguk. Ah!”

“Y/N” he rasped your name, feeling his inevitable release about to hit. “Fuck, I’m g-gonna cum”.

Not being able to form any kind of coherent sentence right then, you settled for an eager nod of your head to let him know it was okay. Digging your nails on the wet skin of his back, you scratched your way down on it when he once again managed to find that one soft spot of yours that had you crying out in a second.

“Right there,” you desperately let him know, feeling your legs start to give up when he kept hitting it with each of his thrusts. “Fuck, right there”.

“A-Ah, Y/N, I’m—” he stumbled upon his own words, not being able to hold on anymore given how much tighter you were getting now around him. “Mm… I’m gon—ah!”

Groaning one last time, he let himself go like he had fought so hard not to — your pulsating walls around his cock finally driving him over the edge.

Although overwhelmed by the intense wave of pleasure running through his body, beginning to feel dizzy even, he did not slump down on you to catch his breath like he so badly needed to. Instead, he kept riding his own orgasm — his thrusts becoming sloppier yet rougher as he greedily tried to drive you over the edge, too.

And it was only a matter of seconds before you did.

“J-Jeongguk, I’m—ahh!” you cried out one last time, feeling your shaky legs give up as you came undone beneath him.

Helping you ride out your orgasm as well, Jeongguk whimpered at the overstimulation, finally letting his body slump down on yours and burying his face on your neck, as he felt his body tremble with each spasm of your walls around him. Feeling his hot, heavy breath hit your sweaty neck as the two of you desperately tried to catch your breath, you entangled once more your fingers on the hair at the back of his head — fingertips ever so tenderly moving in circular motions in a soothing way.

Closing your eyes for a couple of seconds, you felt his thumb caress one of your sides, later having you opening your eyes when he pressed two brief kisses to the crook of your neck and a breathy laugh of his was soon to follow right after.

“What’s so amusing?” you wondered, feeling the corners of your mouth curve up when another chuckle of his reached your ears.

“That was amazing” he confessed, causing your face to burn as your smile grew wider. Pressing one of his arms down on the mattress, he held his body up so he could lock his eyes with yours. “Was it okay for you?”

You bit your bottom lip, shyly looking away for a split second before your eyes focused back on his. “Jeon Jeongguk,” you called his name in a serious tone.

“Hm?”

“You made me cum twice” you reminded him, loving the sight of his already flushed cheeks turning even more pink than they already were. “I think that speaks for itself”.

He let out a shy laugh, tilting your chin up as he brought his lips down to yours and kissing you sweetly for a good couple of seconds, later moving his lips over to press an open mouth kiss to your cheek before he finally pulled out of you. Removing the condom from his member, he crawled to the edge of the bed and reached for the small bin you kept under your desk next to your bed, bringing it closer to him and throwing the used latex into it before he went back to lie on his stomach next to you — blissfully letting you kiss his lips once more like you had just reached up to.

“I’ll get better at it” he promised, earning a quiet giggle from you.

“Well, we do have three years to make up for, so I guess we’ll both get a lot of practice” you pointed out coyly.

“And we don’t have to worry about running out of condoms anytime soon” he reminded you, amusement clear in his voice.

Throwing your head back on the mattress, you allowed a throaty laugh to escape your mouth, later looking back at him and bringing your hand up to cup one of his cheeks. Gently caressing it a couple of times, you puckered your lips up for him to come closer and cut the space between your mouth — smiling softly when he complied in a heartbeat, slowly sucking on your bottom lip.

“I love you” he mumbled on your lips, loving the way he was finally able to say it freely, knowing you felt the same, like he had been aching you to all along.

“I love you more” you repeated his previous answer with a smile.

Kissing your lips chastely, he shook his head no, tilting his head towards the flowers that were taking over your desk. “Those are proof that I love you more”.

You scoffed, crossing your arms over your chest. “Those are proof that you’ve loved me for longer, it’s got nothing to do with the amount of it”.

“Mhm…” he nodded his head, letting you know with both the tone of his voice and the look on his eyes that you were not convincing him. “Whatever works for you, petal” his lips turned into a smile as he let his back slump down on the bed.

“Yah,” you gently shoved him off, feeling your heart skip a beat when you heard him laugh.

Pulling you to his chest by wrapping an arm around you, he planted a kiss to your forehead. Although you had sighed contentedly after resting your face on his chest, he didn’t miss the way your mind was quite absent right then.

“What’s wrong?” his eyebrows knitted together, growing somewhat more confused after following with his eyes to where yours were staring at and having them fall on the flowers.

“Nothing” you smiled, unconsciously running your fingers along his chest. “I just wish these particular ones would last forever”.

Smiling as he adoringly stared at you, he hugged you closer to his body. “I can get you all the flowers you want”.

At that, your head snapped up so you could lock eyes with him. The mischievous smile that had just formed on your mouth as you cockily raised one of your eyebrows, letting him know right away he was about to regret what he had just said. “You’ll be like my flower daddy then?”

Yup, there it was, the regret.

“Anddd, you ruined it” he lamented.

Letting his head fall back down on the mattress, he closed his eyes as he tried his best to fight the smile that was threatening with taking over his face, knowing he would fail miserably at it when he heard you chuckle next to him — finally giving in to it and laughing as well as you peppered open mouth kisses around his face.

Although popular, loud, chaotic, bubbly, impulsive as hell, and just the complete opposite to what he was, he could not be any happier it was you the one his heart had chosen to fall irretrievably in love with.

[bonvoyagenoona]

About Me 13 | BTS, Taking a Break, and Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development

Special thank yous to the following!

@yuugehn​​! I so appreciated our discussion about so much of this! I originally was going to tag every line from our conversations lol, but for anyone reading this, please know that so much of this post, especially regarding observations about the Festa dinner, come from yuugehn’s gorgeous brain and heart! 

@The Hornies! Over the 2 years we’ve gotten to know each other, we’ve talked about the themes discussed here. Thanks for being down to discuss these sorts of things with me and being so generous with your friendship. 

I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a while. It’s going to be a loooooong post. It has been in my drafts for months because I wanted to talk about BTS’s career trajectory and how it plays off of their identities as individuals, as well as a group, in Erik Erikson’s life stages. It’s also about observations I made about my own fan experience, especially related to their concerts in Las Vegas. I wasn’t sure when my thoughts would come together.

To borrow Jungkook’s words from the Festa dinner, “Today’s the day.”

It all clicked this week due in part to the people mentioned up top, as well as other dear friends, old and new. And this has actually become a very, very personal post.

Whenever I’m having big emotions, my overeducated ass likes to lean on psychology frameworks. I try not to over-intellectualize in a way that diminishes my feelings, but I do find that applying such frameworks helps me gain perspective about those feelings. It even helps me validate my feelings. When I can see how my feelings fit into some kind of core psychological principle, I start to sense that I’m not alone. I find comfort in the fact that people have felt what I’m feeling under similar circumstances, and enough of those people have felt those feelings that someone made a damn framework.

So if you’re still sorting through your feelings about the break, and you love psychology as much as I do, let’s peep into Erikson’s brain microscope for a little while to gain some of that perspective. And then, if you’re interested, I’ll share some personal thoughts about it all, ones that are challenging and a bit scary to share, but ultimately have led me to feel a new, refreshing, optimism about life!

OK, let’s start with the psych stuff!! 🤩

Erik Erikson was a developmental psychologist who drew upon Freud’s psychodynamic work to identify key stages to human life. He’s actually the first person to come up with the term identity crisis, and he labels each stage based on a certain crisis, or conflict, that people grapple with during that age. It’s this investigation that makes Erikson’s classic model of eight stages so relevant to what BTS and ARMY might be experiencing right now.

source: medium

I won’t go through all of the stages in depth, but here are some key things to know:

Though ages are roughly associated with each stage, you don’t necessarily have to go through these stages linearly or according to that timing

Stages can overlap

It is possible to “fail” a stage

If you “fail” a stage, you can still move on/through the other stages, which means you can also revisit stages as you grow

Here’s a quick infographic that summarizes the eight classic stages. We’ll be zooming into Adolescence, Young Adulthood, and Middle Adulthood, and how they’re all currently overlapping for the members of BTS!

Adolescence: Identity vs. Role Confusion (ages 12 to 18)

During this stage, our life events help us determine our identities. We do this by comparing and contrasting old experiences that we had when we were younger (i.e., what our loved ones taught us, showed us, instilled in us) with new experiences that we start to learn about at these ages (e.g., as we make deeper friendships outside of the home, and as we see more of the world). If we are successful, we come away with a strong sense of self; we know who we are, what we like, what we believe, etc. If we are unsuccessful, we come away from this stage perhaps thinking that we know these things, only to find out later that we go through an identity crisis, during which we are left questioning who we are.

Interesting things to note about this particular stage are that 1) Erikson believed that this stage can take a much longer time, especially in technologically advanced societies, because it takes us longer to adapt skills to navigate such a world, and 2) Erikson believed this stage is prolonged for people who are labeled geniuses in society.

If we take that to be true, it’s easy to see how the members went so long without a break, and thus now need that break to check back in with themselves. The ages seem to line up here. They started in their mid to late teens / early 20s; so much of their adolescence was defined for them, and it’s coming to a head now. They’ve been operating in one mode for so long, and they’ve led rigid lifestyles that have predefined so much of their identities — I mean, from the start, they were labeled as vocal line, rap line, dance line, etc., and it makes sense that they’re now questioning these things in order to expand and grow.

When people grapple with the central conflict of this life stage, there is a need for exploration, which is what the members hope to do now. They all need a way to test their identities to see what holds, and what doesn’t. What sticks. What they can add. What they can redefine. The members of BTS need this time for experimentation so as not to fall into identity crisis territory.

One comforting thing to see, though, is how the members are also leaning on the group identities that have crystallized to help them through that experimentation! Hobi plays an integral role here! Hobi’s role as the internal-facing leader helped him (and, thus, all of them) broach the topic of needing a break. Hobi was the first to question the group dynamic, with that story of him threatening to leave the group in the early days. He is also critical of the members when it comes to needing to slow down.

source: bffjeongguk

Compare that with the way Namjoon expressed the weight that he carried on his shoulders as the external-facing leader. His role has been focused on keeping them together as a unit; Namjoon is the peacemaker, the diplomat. 

Hobi, though, shepherds the groups’ individuality. He is critical of them as individuals in order to help them each succeed on their own terms. And it makes sense that he’s the first to showcase his solo work, thus leading the way. The others have looked to Hobi in this way, too, like how Jimin has shown Hobi all of his solo work before the others. Namjoon said that he kept putting off the much-needed break; it’s almost as if Namjoon needed Hobi to tell him it was time, and as a result, they all are looking to Hobi to help them start their new chapters. A necessary changing of the guard of leadership in a way, perhaps, to help the group evolve.

Early Adulthood: Intimacy vs. Isolation (ages 20-44)

During this stage, our life events help us determine our connections to others. It may seem like BTS have the intimacy thing down-pat, given their close bond. But, importantly, being too enmeshed with others can also lead to disconnection. Being in the group too long could lead to isolation from others in their lives, depriving them of any growth they may have made in forming their own identities. This is not a completely foreign concept to BTS, as people, as well as artists. 

Think about Trivia: Seesaw. Yoongi’s message in that song is about the inability to leave a toxic relationship that has struck only the illusion of balance, and the protagonist in the song ultimately decides to get off and move on with their lives. Though the dynamics within BTS aren’t fraught with toxicity, the same challenge is still there; the members felt like they weren’t being genuine, and it’s time to do something about it.

A key marker of success in this stage is whether people can make certain sacrifices in order to preserve that intimacy. Arguably, the members of BTS need to make a certain kind of sacrifice of time and space in order to preserve the family that they’ve built together. Take that with the lesson from Trivia: Seesaw, and it’s easy to see why they’re so eager to try new things and spend time with other people. 

But you’re also seeing them do that in a way that is familiar to them. They’re making their own music, but they’re sharing that music with each other before they release it into the world. Apparently, Taehyung is even doing an In the Soop spin-off. It’s a way to put that intimacy to the test in order to come out of this stage successfully. It’s clear that they trust that their unconditional love for each other will remain intact, and that’s a really comforting thing to see, as well as a healthy way to model growth.

source: bollywoodlife

Middle Adulthood: Generativity vs. Stagnation (45-64)

It makes sense that as we start to move into the “old man” stage that Min “I Speak 3 Languages, Play A Million Instruments, and Do Pilates Now” Y🍑🍑ngi’s schedule comes into play! It’s amazing! And, interestingly enough, it’s a nice example of how one may address the core conflict in this stage!

During this stage, our life events help us identify our impact on others and the world. When we are successful, we feel proud and accomplished. When we are unsuccessful, we feel dissatisfied and stale. Much of what comes up in this stage is discussed in a familial setting, and it just so happens to work well here, as BTS even shared that they feel more like family.

Now, we’ve established that stages can overlap, that they’re not necessarily linear, and that geniuses often spend much longer in the Identity vs. Role Confusion stage. Given the universal scope of their influence and achievement, and understanding their words in that context, I don’t think it would be outlandish to assume that there is a bit of an acceleration to the Generativity vs. Stagnation stage. And they each give examples of how they are experiencing this conflict through the central tasks associated with this stage.

One particular central task of this stage is to create a home. Because their house contract (lease?) is up, they’ve settled into their own places, separate from each other. Seems like they’ve got this one set, but it’s worth it to celebrate that they each get to incorporate their own voices in the way that they decorate and set up their new places, with as many mattresses aas Jungkook wants to have and saw in half lol.

When it comes to the other tasks, let’s break it down by member.

Namjoon. One task of this stage is relinquishing past roles. Here we go with Namjoon… Oooof, I feel for Namjoon. I wish I could tell him that I’ve been there, very recently. I’ve shared before that Namjoon is extremely focused on legacy. So it makes sense that he’s hitting on two central tasks: relinquishing a central role in the lives of grown children, and being proud of one’s accomplishments. If he is the external leader of BTS, then the rest of the group can be perceived as his “children”, or “followers”, to a certain extent.  

It’s clear that relinquishing this role is particularly tough for him, given what he shared, and how emotional he was when he shared it. Similarly, Namjoon seems to be battling stagnation pretty hard when it comes to his identity as a leader and creator. He voiced feeling lost, as any leader without anyone to lead would feel, and this has crossed over into his difficulty writing new music. I think that’s why he’s so interested in art — he’s lost his own voice, and he’s looking to other artists in other media to help him express himself. I’m thinking about how he felt after seeing that Rothko piece. He’s wanting to feel again, and he mentioned needing new life experiences, new stimuli, to have something to say.

And he’s scared about what happens if he doesn’t get that. He’s scared about what will happen, and whether he will disappoint people, on top of already feeling he’s disappointed ARMY and his fellow members. He has a hard time feeling pride in his accomplishments because he was feeling so disingenuous when working toward them. It makes sense that he would want to revisit that now and get back to a place of generativity, to impact the world in a way that is positive and healthy. To do that, he recognizes that he needs new experiences, and that is a commendable thing to state while being in the position he’s in now.

Jin. Some crises in this stage include adjusting to the physical changes of older age, a sense of regret for unfulfilled goals, a desire to spend time alone, and a desire to feel young again. Jin’s physicality certainly seems to be relevant here; he was recently injured, and we’re all thinking about his age and perhaps his oncoming military duties, which will have an impact on what comes next. He talked during the dinner about how he doesn’t necessarily regret not acting, but that means that he had to think about it, process that he hadn’t become an actor like he thought he would or might like to be, though he certainly still has time to do so. That’s also a part of life — realizing that you do have more time than you think you do in many ways, something that I’m also learning. The desire to spend time alone and to feel young again seems to surface when Jin was talking about shutting himself away and playing games for days straight, bur Erikson also points out that people often come back from these behaviors feeling unfulfilled. So though I don’t know if Jin is necessarily experiencing a quarter/mid-life crisis (I mean, how much do we really know about what they’re experiencing), these kinds of behaviors are often seen in this stage.

Yoongi. This stage also brings about homemaking, reexamining our behaviors, using leisure time creatively, and passing on our lessons to those younger than us, whether through family or instruction. So it makes sense that Yoongi seems to be thriving in this space of generativity. He’s making his house into a home, picking up healthy life behaviors, feeling inspired to use his leisure time creatively, and passing on wisdom and information to the next generation (young songwriters). In fact, let’s compare and contrast the “young songwriters” thing; Yoongi found joy in being able to share advice with them (generativity), whereas Namjoon felt slighted that no one was coming to him (stagnation). It’s almost as if Namjoon’s role as a leader forced his own adolescence / identity development to be that much more stunted — or maybe also his own genius getting in the way! Meaningful work is also a huge part of the generativity vs. stagnation stage — people who find meaning in their work find it through contact with others, opportunities for growth and maturity in their craft, and a level of independence as they explore. Yoongi is getting exactly this, which maybe explains why he was so happy during the dinner, save for having empathy for the other members when they were expressing their fears. All of this helps to explain Yoongi’s glow-up. And it seems consequential that this is the “old man” stage lol.

Hobi. I talked about Hobi up at the top, so this section will be short. Hobi is leading the charge when it comes to helping growing and grown children to be responsible adults. Again, Hobi is the first to debut his solo work, and he’s performing at Hobipalooza — I mean, Lollapalooza, lol. But he also needed to help the others to see that they are ready to do it, too.

Jimin. Obviously, interpersonal relationships are key in this stage; those that are solid hopefully continue to grow, and those that aren’t start to fall away. During this stage, love matures past more shallow definitions, or purely sexual definitions. ARMY talks about Jimin being pure love, and that’s something that I thought about a lot when writing him in Bear with Me (i.e., a discussion about whether there is such a difference between platonic vs. romantic or other types of love). He’s done so much to stay true to himself and express that love in a way that is visible. He hugs, he smiles, he asks people to tell him that they love him, but he doesn’t just want it for surface reasons. He really means it, and he needs people to mean it when they say it back. I think this also makes him vulnerable to enmeshment, where he starts to lose himself in that love. And that’s why I think the solo chapter seems to be hard for him to stomach:

Taehyung. When it comes to Taehyung and Jungkook, I see a mix of all of this as they play out in identity, which is something I think Taehyung is experimenting with, and maturity, which is something Jungkook is developing.

I think I have less to say about Taehyung because he’s so open about his experimentation, and that’s really all there is to it. He’s experimenting with change, trying on new identities, new hobbies, new friends. Though he is an introvert, he seems to be the most outwardly social with other idols and celebrities, and his feeds are all about him trying on new clothes and looks, or having new experiences out in the world. Seeking out this type of change is typical at this stage of life as well, and with Taehyung’s openness to experimentation, it’s cool to see this particular habit surface at a time when he has unlimited resources and opportunities.

Jungkook. Interestingly, or maybe even unsurprisingly (he is the golden maknae, after all), Jungkook is the one who is developing a certain level of maturity. He seems to be stepping into a balance of all things, just like how the guys say that Jungkook is a mix of all of his hyungs — especially all the best parts of them. Namjoon pointed out that he rambled on and on about what he was feeling, and Jungkook was so concise and well-spoken, but Jungkook also benefitted from the hyungs sharing their thoughts first as he essentially summarized them. With their wisdom, he is taking on all of the tasks mentioned, and he’s figuring out his own take on them. And that’s why he seems like he’s so mature.

Like Namjoon and Hobi, he’s in one way relinquishing control and being forced to trust what the future will bring, while also developing his own abilities as a leader / caretaker — like adopting Bam! He’s creating his own space, his own home, his own sound, the way that he wants, and I think that his confidence is shored up by Yoongi’s, as he so determinedly said that he will release his music after Yoongi does. They’ve talked about his capacity to love being bigger than they initially realized, but compared to Jimin, he seems to have a layer of separation; Jungkook’s not afraid to emote, but he still seems more confident in making his own choices. And like Taehyung, he’s experimenting with his identity. But, in comparison to Jin, he’s also lucky to be going through these changes at a time where his physical state can weather them, so it’ll be interesting to see how that may change as he gets older and faces these questions about identity again. Along with Yoongi, he seems so ready to take on this next chapter.

Final Thoughts on the Break, and More on BTS and Psychology (aka Cheryl Actually Gets Personal for Once)

It’s so interesting to see how I think it’s super interesting that I planned my BTS Case Conceptualization project and only wrote Namjoon so far. He’s the external leader, and the one who is so focused on keeping them together. I think it’ll be interesting to write the rest of the members’ case conceptualizations now, knowing that their solo work is right around the corner. Might bring some new light to what I have in store for those pieces, kind of like another experimentation period. 

Speaking of experimentation, and feelings… 

Some of you may have noticed that I am experimenting with tons of little projects, as well as the structure and content of my fics. Also, so many of you have shared how you’ve been feeling with me, and you’ve asked me how I’ve felt about all of this news, too. Even with all this psychology talk, I’m the kind of person who feels things first, doesn’t really know what to do with those feelings, and only understands them muuuuuuch later. 

When I got to see BTS in Las Vegas, I felt odd. I didn’t quite know what it was. I felt frozen, in a way. So I kind of had to let it thaw before I could express it. I think I’m starting to understand what I was feeling. Even before then, I had been telling Roomie / @mochilatae that the guys felt so far away. (Here, I have to say, dear Roomie, thank you for the amazing chat. You know. Even without me having to use the words, because they would fail.) And I still felt that in Las Vegas, when I was literally watching them in concert, and arguably within the closest physical proximity that I will ever be to them. It came to a head that night, I think. I was feeling what Namjoon talked about, this sense of exhaustion, or maybe even disingenuousness. The fabulous Shenee from GAF, as well as other ARMY, have been talking about this shift, and I could see what they were talking about, though I hadn’t associated it with my own feelings. Now, my freeze is making sense. 

See, when it comes to other people’s feelings, I tend to be a sponge; I take on what others are experiencing, and I have a hard time separating what I’m truly feeling from what I feel others are feeling. It’s why I didn’t become a therapist. I love psychology, but my love lies in the theory of it. The meaning-seeking, but not necessarily the application. When it comes to the practical matter of helping others, I just couldn’t serve as a container for other people’s emotions. I was taking my work home with me, and I couldn’t do the job. I couldn’t keep my own boundaries well enough to provide that for others. I still can’t. That’s why I’m very, very selective with who I share my real feelings with. And I’m glad that I recognized that before I decided to really pursue my clinical license, because I would have burned out fast.

Because of that, and because of other personal experiences, I definitely have a hard time being vulnerable, especially when I have failed to maintain boundaries, and when people have continuously overstepped the boundaries that I have tried to keep in place. 

If you’ve read my fics, you know I have no issues being completely vulnerable in my writing. I love getting to talk about all of these feelings and life themes with you! I love the asks, the posts, the discussions, so please keep them coming! 

But I do recognize that when it comes to the fics, I’m using my characters to speak for me. In fact, if you search my “about me” content here, you’ll find that I really have no truly personal posts here. This is arguably the first real “about me” type of post. I like sharing my thoughts, but I still need to find a good balance when it comes to sharing my emotions or the meanings behind them. It’s why I love to write; I really love using characters to play out the scenarios I’ve experienced for me to understand what the truth is beneath them. It helps. 

So, take everything that has been going on regarding the break, Namjoon’s fear of sharing that he was exhausted or not living up to people’s standards, the group’s fear of losing ARMY as they take this time to start their next chapter, all the things that the guys have shared, and add this dream that I had last night. 

I don’t really do deep dream analysis from a psychodynamic perspective; I am firmly a CBT gal through and through, and after studying memory from a cognitive neuroscience perspective, I follow the perspectives in the field that view dreaming as an information encoding process. Most of the time, I consider my dreams to be like little movies, or episodes of a show. But, like with movies or episodes, I do think dreams can mean things, especially if we feel compelled to assign them meaning.

In my dream last night, I was sleeping, and I woke up in my house (but it wasn’t my actual house) and found all this furniture that I had ordered scattered about the room. Chairs, mattresses, tables, knickknacks. I wasn’t expecting any of it to be there. I got out of bed and found the guys in the living room, where there was even more new furniture laying about, and chatted with them, at some point asking, “Hey, so, when did all of this get delivered and assembled?”

And the guys, except Jungkook (he was around 19-20 yo in the dream), all voiced at the same time that Jungkook was the one who unpacked and assembled everything (lol very Run BTS interior decorating episode). When I looked at him in surprise and gratitude, he just kinda sweetly smiled and shrugged. And I woke up feeling so comforted and taken care of, absolutely amazed that Jungkook would go to the trouble of doing that for me.

Where did this dream come from? Well, cognitive neuroscience me pointed out that I just wrote Blackout because I needed some kind of comfort but wasn’t exactly sure why (and what timing lol). I watched Just One Day and For You before I slept last night. I have been thinking about getting new furniture and reorganizing my room. And I had been thinking about Festa and Jungkook’s 7 mattresses! 🤣 

But I also know that I’ve been examining my own need for depth in my personal connections. I have lived my life in a way that has kept me from being truly vulnerable with others, for an amalgam of reasons. Part protection. Part fear. It has served me very well. But it also keeps me from experiencing a certain closeness with people. This is me in Erikson’s Intimacy vs. Isolation stage. While I still think I need to enforce certain boundaries, I think I’m hungry to let a select few in. It’s just a matter of finding the right people to let in, and, happily, I think I’m starting to find them, thanks in part to BTS and ARMY. I need to do more soul-searching, to continue figuring out my own feelings, figure out my voice, figure out what makes me happy. To not be a sponge, and to be my own container. To try new things without being so invested in them that I lose myself in the process.

I’ve so appreciated seeing the discussion around the break. (And if you’re interested in more BTS / psychology takes, here’s the series I’m working on right now!) But I hope this long-ass post, all of this together — Erikson’s life stages, BTS’s examples, and my own personal observations — helps express why I happen to think this break is a good thing. A natural thing. And a necessary thing. 

BTS’s break just so happens to coincide with me needing a break from my old patterns as well. So, I’m excited to see what is in store for them next, but more importantly, I’m thrilled to see what this prompts for ARMY — how we continue to grow as people, and how BTS has impacted us / will continue to impact us along the way. 💜

Sources used in this article:

Early and middle adulthood (Boundless Psychology)

Erik Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development (VeryWellMind)

Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development (Wikipedia overview)

Orenstein, G. A. & Lewis, L. (2021). Eriksons stages of psychosocial development. StatPearls. 

[scp-shenanigans]

Admiring From Afar

Admiring From Afar

A Watch (Isaac) X Yandere SCP-035 fanfic

cw: yandere behavior, 035 being an obsessive mf, mentions of dead ppl, 035 is a warning himself, using masculine pronouns for both, 035 kills watch’s beloved(?), not proof read

Word Count-1.5k

(A/N) Yep, ended up doin’ this out of pure boredom, read it or not, your choice. Unless, of course, you’re against the ship.

Another day. A regular day in this odd and unpredictable building. A breach broke loose just about two days ago, and the MTF were just barely capturing the Keter class SCPs who had managed to escape. Watch was in his office, looking down upon the pile of documents on his desk. Oh how he longed to be elsewhere, but for now, he’ll have to remain here.

Jacobs walked into his office, not showing any emotion, as usual.

“Do you need anything Jacobs?”

“Ah, well… the 05 council wants you to.. interview the mask again. And before you get mad at me and argue, I’ve tried about every way to stop them, but they don’t seem to listen.”

“… When will the interview commence?..”

”Tomorrow, if we manage to successfully contain the thing.”

Watch just stared at the wall, trying not to think about the last interaction it had before. Not the best thing to think of.

“Alright..”

Jacobs walked out of his office, feeling sympathetic at the poor man who looked distressed, even more so with the interview. He couldn’t do anything about it though, he would maybe lose his job if so.

Watch just stared more intensely at the documents ahead. Not wanting to think about the mask, he swiftly grabbed the documents and started reading. Although the reading did take his mind off of him for a bit, after putting the papers away did he feel that gut-wrenching feeling in his stomach bubble up again. Uh-oh, the lights started to flicker in the office. Thats 𝑫𝒆𝒇𝒊𝒏𝒊𝒕𝒍𝒆𝒚 not a great sign.

Watch with all possible haste hid between the hole of his desk and chair. The door opened with that of mechanical sounds. Heart thumping in his ears, mind racing a mile a minute. The door closed as soon as it was open. Watch just stayed still, and lowered his breathing so nobody would think anyone was even in there. Footsteps grew closer and closer.

That was until they suddenly backed away to the door. A horrified voice spoke.

“Is-Is anyone here by chance??.. please, I don’t want to be alone..!..”

Watch slowly, but efficiently moved his head from the hiding spot he was in. And wouldn’t you know it, an injured researcher looked around for any sign of life. As they were about to leave, Watch quickly spoke a hey! before he shuffled into their sight of view.

“Do you need help? Especially with those gashes-“

“Oh yes! I don’t recall what had injured me, but I’m sure it was a weird mask. Preferably subject number 035. And, judging by your name tag, you’re.. erm, Watch?”

Watch just stared at the wounds, and noticed the weird black secretion the mask secretes. He then said yes to their assumption about who he was.

He grabbed some rubbing alcohol, and well, rubbed it into the wound. He couldn’t help but shake a little. That thing had touched this poor researcher. Its tentacles, really. He ignored the hissing noises from them. Grabbing the bandages, he wrapped it around their leg, tight enough so it won’t fall, but not too tight that they’ll lose blood circulation in the leg.

“Better?”

“Affirmative.”

They trailed out of Watch’s office, and began roaming the blood-soaked walls of halls. Seeing the corpses of people here and there. They didn’t pay any mind to them, no. They just walked past them. They’re already dead, so no point in mourning over them lol.

They came to a halt when they spotted the tall, slim, and pale body of a sobbing 096. It was covered from head to toe with a decent amount of blood. They didn’t dare look at its face, knowing the consequences of doing such a thing. They fled from the scene, spotting a dead MTF in front of it while escaping. Yet another life taken.

’Gosh, did Jacobs really just walk in and out to this scene?’ That answer was obvious, yes, but it left him feeling bad for him. They didn’t get along well, but that didn’t stop him from feeling sympathetic. ‘No. No mushy feelings. This is a time of survival, and nothing else.’

Golly, this hall seemed to never end. Walking, walking, and the occasional dash from a dangerous SCP. Over, and over, and over again. Watch hadn’t notice the researcher grabbing his hand until he looked down and saw it for himself. Blush flushed his cheeks lightly. He never really felt intimate with anyone, and yet, here he was, holding hands with a supposed stranger.

“Are you well, sir?”

“Yes… just.. it's nothing.”

“If you say so..”

“Wait- Is that gate-b?? C’mon! Let’s check it out right now!!!”

So.. excited.. an emotion Watch wasn’t really able to experience during his lifetime. Well, best to comply and follow to make them happy.

“Halt! Halt right now! Don’t you DARE think you can escape. I’ll kill both of you.”

Both stood still in their tracks, scared for their lives. Not once did they turn back, but they did look at each other with terror. The hand holding tightened.

“Hey, mind turning around for me? I’d like to see who you guys are!~”

Watch quickly got a sense of who this maniacal “person,” was. Of course, he didn’t obliged, scared of the aftermath of the last incident. However, the warmth of a hand that held his cold one disappeared. This did bother him a bit.

“Oh goodness! It’s you isn’t it? The one I hadn’t finished my business with. Well, best to start early, aren’t I right!”

Watch suddenly realized what he had said and turned so quickly, that he might as well had done a 360 turn. He stood, silently holding his partner’s hand. Not once did he think he’d meet up with him.

The SCP lowered his tentacles which he was about to use to brutally kill the other researcher with. He came closer, and closer until he was right in front of Watch, who shuddered with his stone gaze only on him.

“Watchie? Oh, how I’ve longed to see you for the longest of times. But this foolish foundation hadn’t let me. It took a bit of convincing for them to let me talk with you.”

Watch backed away, placing the researcher behind his back, attempting to shield them from any attacks he would bestow upon them. 035’s “face” changed into tragedy, opting that he was in a relationship with this researcher.

“So, who might this be, love? Are they your significant other?”

“N-no, we were just trying to-“

“Trying to what? Escape together, and become a family? And in my face… you adulterer..”

Watch couldn’t come to talk whatsoever. This was a new side of the mask he never once thought would happen. Yet it occurred. And boy it wasn’t good. Although he couldn't help but be a tad flustered with him saying they were going to be a family.

“What.. what are you even saying??”

“No matter, you’ll learn soon… Now you.”

035 faced the other researcher who hid behind his back. Watch held them closer. Chest to back. This was embarrassing, but the only way to protect them.

“Oh ho-ho! You’re really trying to get on my nerves. And it’s working, so, beware Watchie!”

A tendril shot up from the floor.

“You wouldn’t dare-“

“Oh yes I would, and nobody can really stop me. This is the only way you’ll recognize how we were meant to be. None of this would’ve happened if you didn’t decide to be with this pesky creature. I’ll just eliminate them.”

The black tendril shot towards them, but Watch took the blow instead, in the hand specifically. Wincing in pain, his hand retracted quickly as he grabbed it in pain. He took a few more blows before falling to the ground in defeat. His partner only looked at him with terror, before being struck with the tendril in the chest. Clutching their chest in pain, and fell to the ground as Watch did.

“No! 035! Stop this instance!”

“Not until you return the love I’ve held for you.. you’re special.. managing to catch me at my most vulnerable state.”

035 had wrapped a tendril delicately around Watch’s waist. He moved Watch towards him, whilst Watch was trying to escape the tendril’s grip on him.

Watch could only watch them be brutally beaten, basically shredding them apart. He could hear some bones shattering in the process. Despair washed over him, and he felt tears prickle at his eyes before they came streaming down. Not an emotion he often feels. In just a short amount of time had he felt both love and grief.

“Stop.. please.”

“I’m sure they’ve learnt their lesson, so I’ll oblige.”

The grip on him left with a slither. He went up to look at his, once partner, whose corpse was everything but what they looked like once before. It had Watch’s insides churning in disgust. But he still held the finger which used to remain on a hand.

“I’m.. sorry.”

A hand snaked onto Watch’s hand. He looked up at him. Frowning, clearly,

“C’mere you..”

He pulled Watch up to engulf him in a hug.

“You smell peculiar. Blood and shampoo.. how nice.”

Watch didn’t return the hug, but 035 was persistent, making Watch wrap both his arms around him, hugging him back. This made Watch want to throw up. He would argue against the mask, but right now, he was too traumatized to care.

035 lifted Watch up, holding him in a bridal lift.

“Let’s leave this hell hole now, shall we?”