#I think its also important to fully talk about this stuff in analysis posts rather than making small comments

[clericsandpaladins]

I've been researching the history of the pink triangle as part of my Smalltown Boy analysis post (I'm going through the character's spotify playlists) because Bronski Beat used the pink triangle on the song's cover as well as the cover for the album the song is part of, The Age of Consent. I decided to make an entirely seperate post about this topic and the triangle imagery in Stranger Things because it is such an important topic. I want to put in equal time and effort as I would with any other post rather than briefly mentioning it in a song analysis. It's so so important to discuss the history of these symbols and to understand what those who came before us endured and fought for so we could live in a more accepting world. Hopefully y'all can bare with me when I do make these posts because I want to dedicate a fair chunk to actually discussing the history behind what I'm analyzing or referring to, not just how it relates to the character.

[velvet-vox]

Revisiting what Epic Mickey 2 tried to say about trust, second chances, and daddy issues.

In celebration of the recent release of Epic Mickey Rebrushed, and with the possibility of a remake of the second chapter of the franchise on the horizon (one that's most likely going to overhaul the original game's narrative by a lot, like, a complete and utter do-over of the story), I think it's finally time to take a second look at the story that Epic Mickey 2 was trying to tell, the elements that were put in place, and the noticeable shortcomings that it ultimately faced.

Despite how undercooked the story of EM2 turned out to be, I genuinely believe that the writers were actually taking the franchise into the right direction, as a lot of the creative decisions taken in the final game are things that, upon closer inspection, are actually really interesting and build upon what was introduced in the first game pretty naturally.

I have a lot of nostalgia for this game, so much so that even if I grew up and I've realised that the story stinks, I'm not gonna lie: I still feel very impacted when I watch its animated cut scenes; I guess it has to do with how much confidence this game has for itself, it transmits said confidence to me, the viewer, and gets me invested; even if the plot is rather mediocre, you can tell by Oswald's anime-shaped eyes in the final 2d cutscene of the game that the writers were fully confident in what they were trying to say.

I had in mind various ideas on how to add depth to my findings, such as thinking about introducing the character of Mortimer Mouse into the mix, but in the end, I thought it was best to simply analyse the ultimate game for what it became, not for what it could have been.

One important thing that I wanted to highlight immediately before I start, is this post made by user @emoevanafton , who goes into greater detail about the relationship of the Gremlin characters, even if he/she/they kind of over justifies Prescott's actions, making him slightly come off as if he never did anything wrong when that's not the case.

I'm sure there are many other analysis posts made on the Gremlin's family (some of which I actually have right beside me as I write), but I particularly enjoyed reading this one, so I wanted to highlight it some more.

I will also only be talking about the story, because while the gameplay is something that I care about immensely, it's not something that I actually want to talk about, plus, everything that I have to say about it is just "Make it better" and that's it.

So, the very first thing we need to do in order to see if there's anything worth keeping from the story of Epic Mickey 2 is ask this question:

What was Epic Mickey 2 actually all about?

Daddy issues (WHAT?!?) everywhere.

For starters, I'm actually going to jump directly into the less obvious stuff, and discuss how EM2 further expands on the distant father/forgotten son relationship dynamics introduced in EM.

For a brief reminder, one of the sticking points of Oswald's rivalry with Mickey was that he felt that Walt Disney, their father, abandoned him in favour of Mickey; in other words, Mickey is the so called "Golden Child", the younger sibling, the one who gets all of the attention, while Oswald is the independent firstborn, the eldest son (Julius the cat is irrelevant to the story as of now), the one who has to be responsible for himself and for others.

While the actual truth behind Walt's abandonment of Oswald is far more complicated than what the two brothers eventually realize, it's the effects left by these sequence of events that shaped their family dynamic in this way, and the entire emotional core of the first game is about Oswald letting go of his grudge against Mickey and Mickey making up for his mistakes by unleashing the Thinner Disaster upon Wasteland.

In the sequel, Epic Mickey 2, Mickey and Oswald have already resolved some of their family problems, so the story attempts to expand upon these themes with the introduction of a second complicated family dynamic in the story, whose members are meant to act as foils to Mickey, Oswald and Walt Disney.

Who am I talking about? I'm talking about the family of Gus, our favourite gremlin grandpa, Gremlin Jamface, a new character who was originally meant to have Markus' role in EM, and Gremlin Prescott, a previously minor side character in the first game who has now been promoted to the role of major side antagonist in this installment.

These three Gremlins and their relationship are meant to neatly parallel the messy family dynamic of our playable characters, so that the story can better showcase Mickey and Oswald's view of trust and need for approval.

It can come off as pretty subtle due to the lack of a climactic resolution for our Gremlins' involvement within the story, but the parallels between the characters are clearly there, and are exactly between:

Walt Disney and Gremlin Gus:

For those of you who are unaware, Gus is, indeed, a father figure to both Prescott and Jamface. Whatever the two of them are actually his biological children is still a point of debate amongst the fanbase; however it's rather irrelevant to our current discussion, as neither Mickey nor Oswald are technically Walt's biological children either.

Gus is also a father figure to all of the Gremlins in Wasteland, who we could use as parallels for the other cartoons that Walt as worked to, such as Snowhite and Sleeping Beauty, but it's admittedly a far-fetched strech.

The thing that we need to keep in mind when talking about the parallels between Walt and Gus is the impact that they had on their kids, as Walt doesn't really have an in-universe personality or explanation for his actions; we, the audience, may know from a meta perspective why Oswald was abandoned for the sake of Mickey, but inside this franchise, as far as the characters are concerned, Walt Disney might have just been an awful dad who abandoned his first kid because he felt like it, I'm not going to use real life history to construct my argument because it feels unfair and rather... out of touch, to say the least?

Anyway, both Gus and Walt are older father figures who end up being mythologised by a lot of characters in the game. They both have two other characters, who are delegated as their closest children, look up to them for sustain. Unfortunately, both of them also ended up neglecting the oldest of said children, leading them to build up anger, while favouring the youngest, but while Walt can no longer make peace with his creations for the trauma they ended up going through due to being dead, Gus, is pretty much still alive, but hasn't yet made peace between his sons due to a series of reasons. Maybe he would have been able to do so in that theoretical third game, but we can only speculate.

Oswald and Gremlin Prescott:

Oswald and Prescott are the two independent older siblings, whose qualities and successes are never fully appreciated by their father figures.

In a way, Prescott is an answer to the question of "What if Oswald adhered to his original role as one of the major EVIL villains of the first game?"

Both Oswald and Prescott are the "rulers" of a forgotten land and their denizens, Oswald is the king of Wasteland and its toons, while Prescott is the lord of the Floatyard and its abandoned rides, a literal wasteland inside of Wasteland.

They are both quite temperamental, but also very intelligent: Oswald meticulously recreated Wasteland in his sanctuary, while Prescott recreated Epic Mickey 1 in the dioramas, which also showcases another trait they have in common, their hopefulness, devotion to their idols, and opposite arcs, Oswald looked up to Walt, while Prescott looked up to Gus; Oswald started out hating Mickey and grew to like him, while Prescott started out loving Mickey and grew to hate him, and eventually they both looked up to the Mad Doctor but were backstabbed by him.

Speaking of the Mad Doctor, both Oswald and Prescott have a similar relationship with him:

Oswald wants to appeal to his surrogate father figure, the Mad Doctor, as compensation for not receiving the approval of his original father, Walt Disney.

Prescott wants to appeal to his surrogate father figure, the Mad Doctor, as compensation for not receiving the approval of his original father, Gremlin Gus.

Mickey and Gremlin Jamface:

Despite Gremlin Jamface not being as noticeable as Prescott or Gus (there are no 2D images of him in the game, besides the cutout of the Mad Doctor's diary), he's still an important character to the game's story, hence why he is present in the level before the final boss fight.

Mickey and Jamface are the youngest siblings, as well as the golden child of their respective families, showering in all the attention of their older siblings.

They are the ones getting all the attention from their parents and the people around them (Jamface is well respected by the Gremlins and the denizens of Wasteland at large, and Mickey is loved by his friends and the general audience)

I could go on and on into further details, but I'd rather keep this section short and I think I've made my point.

So, these characters are clearly meant to be foils, what does this mean? Well, you see I think the reasons why said relationships were set in place was for the game to expand on them with its story; I'm not sure how the rewrites affected things, but I believe the general plan was always to further explore a messy family dynamic and how that affects all of its members.

Admittedly, Walt Disney himself should have been a bigger part of the game story if that was the case, but I'm strictly sticking to what we got.

The Second chances (redemption?) theme.

Despite what one of the brush's main mechanics of befriending the enemies through paint might actually tell you, the Epic Mickey series never started to seriously entertain the idea of "redemption" until the second game, which makes sense, since Paint and Thinner were never strict representations of good and evil in the first game.

In fact, while the Thinner Disaster was caused by, well, Thinner, the Blot himself was created and made evil not by Thinner, but by Paint.

Paint and Thinner, while in different ways, are both equally responsible for the situation Wasteland is in at the start of the series: Mickey's curiosity and lack of an understanding of their powers is what caused all of the problems at the start of the EM1, and it's only by mastering their abilities that we, the player, and by extension Mickey, manage to finally put an end to them once and for all.

Paint, much like Thinner, is portrayed more as an utilitarian tool rather than a moralistic one; painting enemies is less about redeeming them for the sake of making them good and more so about the utility that you can get out of turning them to your side.

It's also why the Clocktower battle canonically ends with the Thinner solution: you are not actually meant to use only Paint or Thinner as the answer to all of your problems.

Anyway, in Epic Mickey 2, the writers tried to tie the paint and thinner mechanic to the ideas of redemption and second chances introduced in this second chapter.

Whether or not the final implementation is something worthy of existing, I'll leave it up to you; sorry, I'm too tired.

The Thrust Theme:

Finally talking about the Mad Doctor, his similarities with the Blot makes me think that just like him, he was meant to embody the game's conflict with thrust and fatherhood.

Let me explain: what makes The Blot such a memorable villain despite having literally zero personality or speaking lines is the fact that he is the embodiment of conflict inside of the game; every single theme, every single world building element, every character drama always ties back to him somehow, making it impossible to dismiss as just a massive threat for the protagonists to overcome.

I believe the writers were trying to write the Mad Doctor into the exact same position that the Blot filled, and on top of that, he was also written as another foil for Mickey since:

- They both created an army of monsters and "technically" lost control over it: Mickey created the Splatters, and Mad Doctor created the Blot Works.

In particular, the Blot Works Dragon seems a parallel to the Blot itself. I wouldn't say the Dragon is a one for one with the Blot, but he does have similarities with him indeed (also, in the first game, the Blot's design was inspired by Maleficent's dragon form at the end of Sleeping Beauty, aka where Dark Beauty castle comes from, and the first boss of Epic Mickey 2 is a dragon, so there's enough evidence at our disposal to make said claim).

- They both want to get out of Wasteland, but Mickey was already out, was forced to go to Wasteland due to the Blot, eventually got out thanks to his selflessness, and chose to re-enter Wasteland to help his friends, even if he couldn't come out of it in the end; while Mad Doctor was originally out before ending up in Wasteland, chose to work with the Blot, betrayed and manipulated everybody who trusted him in order to exit the place, and in the end, that either leads to his demise or to a change in his worldview.

- They both have Guardians, even if the Mad Doctor stole them.

- They were both first seen as villains in the eyes of Wasteland's denizens, and it's only after they help restore the place and fix their previous mistakes that they are able to gain people's trust, even if the Mad Doctor ends up betraying said hopes.

And finally, both of these characters are connected to the theme of thrust in some way, shape or form.

Mickey gained Oswald's thrust, but he later betrayed it because he didn't reveal that he was the one behind the Thinner Disaster. Guess who else did something similar?

Anyway, sorry if this seems like a very inconclusive ramble instead of an analysis, I've lost passion for this project a while ago due to outside events. Feel free to add to what I have said, and share your opinions and observations with everybody.

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

I’ve been reading through you J+P analysis and love it! I hope you don’t mind but I wanted to add my two cents on the idea that Paul’s statements and mentions about John have potentially gotten over effusive to please the press and have fed into him over romanticising his relationship with John. I think this is somewhat true but I believe the reality is a lot more complicated and symbiotic.

 It's undeniable that Paul is on a bit of a bizarre post-mortem honeymoon with John at the minute due to nostalgia and the pro-lennon/mccartney stuff coming out. There’s no way that isn’t colouring his thinking and you’re right, there’s a discrepancy between Pauls more contradictory statements closer to John’s death vs now. People pleasing does have something to do with it, but it goes both ways. In that 1987(?) interview with John’s sister Julia, Paul says that he tried to downplay his relationship with John as people didn’t want to hear it, which partially explains his scrambled ‘oh we were the best of mates but you don’t get close to mates’ 1980s interviews. That interview is also important as Julia allows him to voice the belief that he skirted round in other interviews, which is that he was the person who knew John best. That’s a bold statement to make, and puts his tentative ‘one of the closest people to him. I can’t claim to be the closest, although it’s possible …  but I wouldn’t… I don’t need that credit.’ in a different light. Linda was also talking about the intensity and depth of their relationship early on (deeper than any of us will ever know, like the mirror image of each other etc) and pre-breakup Paul was casually describing he and John’s extreme closeness to a friend and their telepathy. So some of Paul's more effusive stuff he’s coming out with in interviews in the last decade or so is probably partly to do with the shift in narrative validating all of these feelings that he always had about John but felt unable to say/reckon with at the time of his death. It could be a bit like a pressure valve releasing slightly and all of it just flooding out.

Like the soulmate thing, it could be Paul rambling and getting to an extreme point but also he would never have been able to say that in the 80s/90s without backlash (I do find it telling that Paul’s PR guy also openly called John a soulmate to Paul, sure its good for brand image but also he would be more conscious than anyone of what Paul is okay with being put out there. Also the Howard Stern one where he reacted badly to the LOML question was likely due to the romantic connotations/Howard’s lack of boundaries). We also shouldn’t caricature-ise Paul’s people pleasing tendencies when it comes to his feelings and emotions. Sure he leaves harder stuff out and likes to focus on the positive, but he’s also Fort Knox possessive/private about his feelings and downplays them or shuts off (he’s done this recently like when he refused to tell Colbert about his dreams about John in detail). He fully owns to the press that the situation was complicated and his feelings aren’t straightforward. That he tends to downplay intensity as a general rule DESPITE greater intensity feeding better to the press should throw starker light on the strength of his feeling rather than doubt.

The more extreme statements also match what he’s saying in his personal life to friends and family (multiple people have said he constantly brings up the Beatles even when they themselves are asked not to and Julian mentioned that when he discusses John he talks about it as if it was a great love) and his personality. Paul was never getting over John because he loves profoundly and its not in his nature to let go. He’s the man who spent £70,000 in the 70s doing up a car that had fallen into a lake for ‘sentimental’ reasons, the man who bought the railings from Please Please Me to install in his studio and the man who, according to some reports, turned his whole house into a Linda shrine after she died. He’s also the man shattered by his mother’s death to the point he’s still agonised over laughing at her over something silly.  The press have exacerbated the situation and his uncertainty over their relationship to the point that he has to prove it to himself which is horrible, but in all likelihood he was always going to fill his houses and studios with John’s items and over 40 years later privately mull over if hugging John more would have helped, especially given how John died.

 Paul is not creating a narrative that didn't exist but zooming in on an aspect that was already there and choosing to focus on that. It’s become a bit of a feedback loop, ie Paul watches Mclennon videos on youtube then sends them to producers as inspiration as to how they should present their relationship in a documentary which again pushes a narrative onto fans which they embrace and so on. Ironically, I see the interviews and press as not just a perpetuator but also an outlet for Paul’s grief and trauma that was going to exist regardless of media involvement. Media is the thing that tore them apart and kept them apart initially but now its the medium where again Paul gets validation for his relationship with John as well as an outlet to speak about it in a way which he would normally be too repressed to do. Is his view on John different now than when he was alive? Sure! Is it romanticised? Probably? But likewise, was the petty bullshit that clouded his judgement during their worst period the true snapshot of their relationship either? It’s a whole messy question of whether there is ever one true version of something as shifting as a volatile relationship and if our relationship with the dead ever really ends/our views on the dead become more or less valid with paradoxical clarity/obscurity of distance.

Essentially what I’m trying to say is that Paul romanticises and creates narrative through omission, not exaggeration and that his more extreme statements are likely true to him. Love is a conversation and sometimes becomes an echo when the other person isn’t there yada yada yada.

Thank you for taking the time to write all of this out :)

I agree with a lot of this actually! Though I do also think that we shouldn't ignore the fact that Paul still regularly reveals his feelings towards John to be kind of mixed at times when he talks about the breakup specifically. But on the whole, your thoughts really align with mine and if I at times seem more cynical, it's probably because I find the specific way people talk about Paul on here can get very reductive.

You summarized the nuance of it very well here:

It’s a whole messy question of whether there is ever one true version of something as shifting as a volatile relationship and if our relationship with the dead ever really ends/our views on the dead become more or less valid with paradoxical clarity/obscurity of distance. Essentially what I’m trying to say is that Paul romanticises and creates narrative through omission, not exaggeration and that his more extreme statements are likely true to him. Love is a conversation and sometimes becomes an echo when the other person isn’t there yada yada yada.

[michibikionmain]

This isn’t THE tommyinnit villain essay but it sure is one of them

Ok ok so 4 those of u who aren't on discord with me: i have two main essays that have been in the works for MONTHS, these being my Complete Dream character analysis essay going in-depth for nearly all of his canon interactions and finding his character traits and motivations through the story, and my Tommyinnit (and Wilbur Soot) were Always The Villains on the server essay talking about how the only reason so many people view them as the good guys or heroes is because we see the story from their perspective mainly. This essay? Is not either of those. BUT, it does go through a lot of my thoughts on Tommy and Dream’s characters so I figured I’d post it. maybe itll help me organize my thoughts 4 my Mega Projects lol

@ranboocore bc u helped me pop off on this so hard LMAO

Warning, it’s VERY Tommy Critical, what a suprise. I do not like Tommy as a character lol. idk what triggers yall might need me to tag but if u need one in particular pls lmn!

My biggest issue with tommy's character is that he SAYS hes learned but he never does he is exactly the same person he was at the start of the server just More Sad and with Trauma, when out of all the characters he's had the most push to change. c!Tommy is a very tell-don't-show character which can make it hard for some people to connect to him, especially those who don’t directly share his trauma or see themselves in his character. Of course, there is still a MASSIVE amount of people who relate to his struggles and thus love him regardless of his writing, but those who can't relate to him will always feel some kind of barrier until the things they've talked about are actually shown to the viewer instead of being spoon-fed to them.

It is a very beginner writing thing, and I'm hoping that Tommy is figuring out how to fix this, maybe with support from the many other writers on the server. There's the 3 you mentioned, plus fundy, niki, and maybe tubbo who also play dnd, plus Dream who said he would've been an English major and does a lot of personal writing for fun.  I think the biggest issue in the writing lies in the individual ccs being inexperienced in the medium, particularly with planning out their own character growth. 

Another glaring issue I have with c!Tommy is how he's framed to be sympathetic and he goes through all these horrible things without acknowledging his role in any of them. The things that have happened to him are a direct result of his actions, but the thing is HE won't acknowledge and so it falls flat. This isn’t to say that being abused is his fault, because it’s NEVER the vicitm’s fault, but being exiled? His multiple fights with c!Dream? His friendships falling apart? Losing the disks in the first place? They’re the direct consequences of HIS OWN actions, but he never acknowledges this and constantly just... brushes off any accountability by either saying that it’s Dream fault or simply SAYING he feels bad without properly showing it through redemption and GROWTH.

Denial is useful in storytelling sometimes, but Tommy's character has been in denial since the very beginning of the server and at this point it's just exhausting. He only ever switches between denial and depression, not really going through all 5 stages of grief properly. His violent/upset reactions would be more powerful if they were any different from how tommy usually acts, but this is always how he is. When he “lashes out” because he’s reached the end of his patience, it doesn’t SEEM like the snap it is because that’s just... it’s seriously just his standard reaction to everything. It hold no WEIGHT to see c!Tommy yell at someone violently or threaten to fight them because he does that anyways!

Static characters can be a good thing, and can be interesting if done correctly, but not every character SHOULD or CAN be static in a story.

Static characters need to have their position or behavior challenged and question, where they look into if the way they see and interact with the world is really the 'correct' one or just evaluated to see if they truly believe in them. This questioning period is CRUCIAL! and NEEDS to be well done in a way that ACTIVELY SHOWS the conflict between the two ideals. If they decide to hold onto their beliefs/continue their behavior then, it feels deserved, because rather than just being a flat "they do thing its who they are" they have defined WHY. WHY is a very important question to think of when telling the difference between dynamic and static characters. The why of a character is ESSENTIAL to developing them as a relatable, sympathetic person rather than a flat story telling device. It makes them a human rather than a puppet. When a character's motives aren't well defined or discussed, they're doomed to fall flat in everything else, because the WHY is the foundation of what makes them who they are.

c!Tommy has an underdeveloped "why", his motivations are weak, rarely properly discussed and when they are it doesn't particularly stick with him. His motivations change without showing us the internal struggle that should come from literally shifting your driving principles. There are some good MOMENTS of him reevaluating the importance of certain things, but they're so spread out and contradictory and immediately spat one that they're hard to piece together. He TELLS us what his motivations are as well, which is another big flaw when it comes to all that but we don't have time to unpack all THAT Anyways, the key to static story telling is reaffirmation. The character goes through a complete journey and ends with the same beliefs because they've looked into why they have them and determined that they still matter to them. A great example of static writing in my eyes is c!Techno, who since the beginning has believed that governments are bad. c!Techno enters the server to destroy a government, and still ends up doing that because he sees and we see him experience that the reasons he didn't like government before still hold true and he has no reason to support them any more than before, and so his anarchist beliefs are REAFFIRMED, proving to him that they way he handles things is the right one for him.

c!Tommy’s attachments are all just... they're all so weird.  like he LITERALLY SACRIFICES HIS LIFE MULTIPLE TIMES for L'manburg. By action of sacrifice it seems like it should be the most important thing to him, but then he throws it away for some disks that mattered less to him just a minute ago.  But then it's all about how c!Tubbo is worth more than Anything and maybe he's found something more important! but then he shoves THAT out the window for the discs again ig!!! but then it's about l’manburg again? Make it make sense.... pls....

Here's smth that really irks me about Tommy's character, and is kind of weird but give me a second to explain: Tommy has never actually permanently lost much of anything on the server. Every punishment he's ever received he's tried to find some way around. And like... I'm not expecting him to be HAPPY to face the consequences of his actions but seeing him constantly have his cake and eat it too is very irritating, especially when there are characters who DO have to deal with actual permanent sacrifices. The whole thing with the disks. where he WILLINGLY OFFERED THEM UP AND GAVE THEM AWAY THEN SPENT FOREVER TRYING TO STEAL THEM BACK WHILE CLAIMING DREAM STOLE THEM FROM HIM, is the biggest example of this, but it's generally his characters way of dealing with things. He's very backhanded and conniving, constantly calling himself "big man" except for when he wants things from people and he plays up the "iM a MiNoR" card to try and get them to give him things or feel bad. He's not just some sweet innocent kid like people paint him, he knows damn well he's messed up and while he SAYS he feels bad about it, he has never once really shown, with his ACTIONS, regret for what he's done except for the stuff with c!Sapnap, which could it could be argued he did because he thought it would help get c!Sapnap on his side to fight Dream and he knew c!Sapnap was a skilled warrior and could possibly be persuaded to fight with dream.

c!Tommy is in NO way some sweet innocent child, he knows what he's doing. He KNEW l'manburg was a drug empire, and wanted to turn his hotel into the same He was FULLY prepared to just murder c!Schlatt for legally winning an election that he KNEW was rigged AND INTENDED TO HELP RIG HE LITERALLY TEAMED UP WITH c!TECHNOBLADE KNOWING THAT HE INTENDED TO BLOW UP L'MANBURG AND ONLY LEFT WHEN HE REALIZED IT WASN'T GOING TO ACTUALLY HELP HIM--

The line of c!Wilbur saying "Tommy, are we the bad guys?" wasn't him mentally going batshit it was him realizing that the entire time they've been doing terrible things. c!Wilbur was literally ALWAYS Vilbur but the time people CALL Vilbur is when c!Will himself realized he was a villain.

[readingaccountability]

snow crash - neal stephenson

my playlist (because of The Way That I Am)

final thoughts:

okay, im going to be honest right out of the gate- i cant decide whether this is a book id recommend or not. it was really fun for the most part, but personally there was a lot more exposition than id like. the early portions of the novel have exposition which feels completely fair, mostly things relating to worldbuilding. stephenson creates his own vision of future america, and some places online referred to it as cyberpunk, and some as post-cyberpunk. id be more in the latter camp, mostly due to the way he plays with tropes, leaving the reader unsure of which will be subverted and which wont.

the use of language was really fun, and i enjoyed the worldbuilding a lot. his vision of a futuristic capitalistic earth feels surreal in its immediacy and recognizability. the back jacket blurb ends with "a future america so bizarre, so outrageous, you'll recognize it immediately." which, yeah. a texan info-tech magnate? two competing corporations owning the highway system? suburban city-states? this was another enjoyable thing- everything was colorfully named, and names treated totally normally, which kind of poked fun at how we have everyday things named very ludicrously and for the most part we are totally blind to it.

one aspect i really enjoyed was that the author often doesn't make certain things clear to the audience, until he does, and then it becomes necessary to reassess the entire story and setting. this goes to underscore the theme of the importance of information and the ways we take it in and perceive the world based upon it. for example, we don't learn that y.t. is fifteen until maybe 75 pages in, at which point a lot makes sense in retrospect. the same thing occurs in the worldbuilding, as suddenly a detail is given in passing and the reader must incorporate it into the setting, which by default we assume to be similar in many ways to our idea of america. it keeps the reader on their toes as well as furthering the worldbuilding. for the most part, the tech stuff didnt feel outdated to me, despite being a future projected out from '92.

however, aspects of the book are definitely very 1992. id put these into two camps: the first, being that the book does at different times use slurs. the main character is black and asian, the n word is used a few times by racist side-character/antagonist types, as are a few other racial slurs. there was also the occasional usage of the r slur, within the narrative prose itself, rather than usage as an insult within dialogue.

the protagonist, who is named, unfortunately, hiro protagonist, is a great character and felt very fleshed out to me, though at times he reminded me more of dirk strider than normally would be ideal. (its obvious that stephenson and andrew hussie are of a similar type of writer, and play with similar tropes, lmao.) hiro is a man of many worlds. he seems to shift between them easily, though never fully existing in any of them. this is reflected in his background, both in his biracial identity and in having been raised on a myriad of army bases. this is layered further in his fluidity in interacting with both reality and the metaverse, yet remaining slightly, consistently aloof. fascinatingly the first moment i sensed this drop was when we meet juanita- aka where his real and meta realities coincide. the description of them as the adam and eve of the metaverse is both insanely romantic and thematically key (good god i wish we had more than like, two conversations between them). juanita designed the facial component to metaverse avatars, doing the majority of this work when the two were together, and hiro can see echoes of both their facial tics in the face of every avatar in the metaverse. in a way, by having done this work juanita is positioned by the narrative as one of the gods of this digital realm. she is also hiro's call to action, being aware of the coming trouble and alerting him to it, as well as connecting him to the informational database he needs to prepare.

y.t., the secondary protagonist, fucking ruled. i loved that she was just a fifteen year old punkass kid whose mom doesnt know how crazy this part time job is. y.t. being worried about her mom was a great thread throughout, and a really good balance to how obviously independent y.t. is. i do wish there had been a chance to explain more about her background (she has a dad who left who is mentioned in a throwaway sentence, and a boyfriend who is mentioned near the beginning but never again.) i really enjoyed how obviously hyperaware y.t. was at all times about her own place within the insanities of the setting, while also consistently writing her as a teen maybe in way too deep who thinks about things in typically teenage ways. but like, that wasn't ever held against her? the narrative meets her where she is. it was honestly awesome. HOWEVER,

i absolutely hated the raven and y.t. scenes. how creepy!!! he basically statutory rapes her!!! we know hes at least late 20s early 30s, because hes the same age as hiro. if this sort of content is upsetting to read for you, i definitely do NOT recommend this book. (if you want to avoid reading these bits: ch 47 y.t. meets raven, ch 50 they are in a bar eating, ch 52 things happen that result in y.t.'s anti-assault device activating- she did not activate it on purpose, but forgot it was there- and raven is knocked out.)

please PLEASE dont take any of the following analysis as like, trying to be apologetic towards this scenes. because again they were awful and hard to get through and really gross. but im also cognizant that the author was obviously trying to convey something by making the choice, like the way it was written is obviously not condoning this sort of thing.

i think maybe what stephenson was trying to get at with that, was that we see hiro internally negate any potential for anything untoward with y.t. basically immediately, since he kind of senses that she might have a small crush on him (though this doesnt last more than a fleeting moment, especially from her perspective). vs raven, whose 'poor impulse control' warning tattoo eventually elicits a sarcastic remark from hiro after he finds out raven and y.t. were "a thing". i really dont think hiro knew how far it went? like it was just suuuper weird, but i figured it was meant narratively to 1. execute the chekovs gun of y.t.'s anti-assault device, 2. contrast hiro and raven (especially considering the bike-racing argument where theyre telling the story together, which is supposed to parallel them, while contrasting the differences in how they ended up?), and 3. just to get raven unconscious, i guess. but good god it was weird and i hated every second of it, why couldnt the device have like, activated way earlier?? gah. fucking upsetting. moving past that!

honestly i was really frustrated by how little screentime juanita got, because the way she was introduced was so fucking interesting and then shes mostly off doing her own thing. the bits of explanation she gives at the end about what she was up to on the raft are so sparse and im like damn, can we get a little bit of her pov in here? please? that would have ruled. additionally, shes supposed to be hiros love interest, but we see so little of them interacting outside her intro scenes. a huge portion of why hiro is getting into the sumerian mythology is literally framed as something that will help him understand juanita, but we dont get to see him talk to her about it barely at all.

the supporting characters were quite fun, i particularly liked the librarian. big surprise, i liked the overly literal ai information-dispensor, lmfao. watching him and hiro interact reminded me SO hard of geordi laforge having honest to god conversations with the computer where he tries to coax information out of it, aka one of my favorite little aspects of tng.

and lastly, the major plot themes themselves. i adore the way stephenson approached action, it was very entertaining. usually i cant really visualize action scenes written out, but his use of language was really really effective and engaging. the plot itself was absolutely fascinating, though i found the premise pretty contrived. which isnt bad in itself, i was fully suspending my disbelief until the last hundred pages or so. which for a 550+ page book, isnt too bad.

i did like the approach of linking the ancient to the modern, that is always really neat. and i think ultimately stephenson did it in an interesting way, not how i would have done it, but definitely interesting! creating these ideas about information infrastructures, and there being words that can access those and be used to control people, was wild. not sure if i agree about the equating of religion to a virus, though he did specifically establish that it was more the approach to religion, than religion itself. (maybe if juanita had been more goddamn present in the narrative that could have been elaborated on a little more. literally her perspective would have been perfect in balancing that out!!)

ultimately what did me in was the very very very long winded MONOLOGUE where hiro re-explained the whole premise, in ways that didnt really neatly organize into a cohesive argument. a lot of the scenes where hiro talks to the librarian, which are interspersed throughout the book, are really exposition heavy, because stephenson is rooting his ideas in historical concepts that need to be explained to both hiro and the audience. and i thought all that was fine, because it was a conversation where hiro was grappling with the information, and he was figuring it out along with the reader, and most importantly it was a conversation between him and the librarian computer program.

howeverrr later on we get a full rehash of all that, where hiro makes clear some stuff that was just implied for the reader, and hes literally just telling these important men whats up in this big long monologue. utterly worthless. i kept reading it and going YEAH, we KNOW, we know this we know this. and the important men barely interjected. it added basically nothing to our understanding of the situation, other than reframing it. but everything added was already an implicit thing, and didnt really need to be said again.

the resolution to the book was stellar, the last 30-40 pages, once hiro is onto the raft, were great. ultimately after reading and giving some time to digest it, i think it was a solidly great book with a few big drawbacks near the end, but which dont carry through and sully the ending.

[eyepatchdate]

I saw this bouncing around my dash and decided to fill it out myself for fun :)  I decided to not double-list any games, and I tried to mix up the companies I used too so that the list would be more unique.

Long post, so I’m doing a readmore for my longwinded part lol.

(read more)

Favorite Game: Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 2: The Sith Lords - I could talk about this game forever.  How it tears apart the Star Wars universe from within, how it creates a compelling story while challenging the usual themes, etc.  I could talk for ages about the characters and how their motivations slot in place, and how this game lends itself to interpretation and analysis alongside roleplay.  It’s just a wonderful game, one I deeply love and will always love.  It’s a game that isn’t afraid to have you talk to other characters for twenty or thirty minutes at a time and honestly I’m always riveted at every line.  This game deserves the cult fanbase it has, but I think there’s a lot the fanbase misses in appreciating this game.  (Note...gameplay is a little janky and a community made mod restores a lot content that was cut before shipping-the game wasn’t properly finished).

Best Story:  Fallout New Vegas - It’s the setting that makes the story here, and all the moving pieces and factions alongside the main conflict really make this game stand out.  There’s so many little pieces to find along the way in the world and the way the main quest splits based on who you want in power feels important--and you are choosing a future for this whole region.

Favorite Art Style: The Witness - This game is peacefully wonderful with its visuals.  There are wonderful nature scenes and nests of wires and panels spreading in various parts of the island that are fascinating to look at.  The environment is half of the gameplay in most areas, so it’s important to look around even though exploration is not really the gameplay.  You find puzzles in the world, even in nature, and it’s fascinating.  The colors are bright and beautiful.  There is even a map in the middle of the island inside of a lake that helps you track your progress if you notice it (it isn’t like a normal ‘map’).

Favorite Soundtrack: Shin Megami Tensei IV - I love video game soundtracks, but SMTIV is something special.  The music booms in ways that make you really understand the atmosphere of the world, and there’s a great mix of different kinds of tracks for different places.  I love the tracks for the other worlds you enter, and the themes of the different routes are done so well.  Some of the music draws from past SMT games, but the remixes done for this game really are stunning to me, and there’s so many fantastic original tracks.

Hardest Game: I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream - I love this game but I literally never touch it without a walkthrough, which is why it gets to be the hardest game on the list, despite being a point and click adventure game lol.  Also just emotionally this game is challenging too, but I definitely mean this more in terms of getting a ‘perfect run’.

Funniest Game: The Stanley Parable - Trying to make this list has taught me that I don’t really play many ‘funny games’.  I don’t know if a game where multiple endings demand that you kill yourself should count as a ‘funniest game’, but it is also a game where the narrator tells you to stare at a fern and memorize its features, so....it counts.

Game I Like that is Hated: RWBY Grimm Eclipse - I’ve been playing this game since it was in early access and have loved it the whole time.  I find the gameplay soothing and fun, and I like playing the different characters.  It’s a game I play to chill out and just enjoy some fun battle mechanics.  It’s a fun game and I’ve spent over 100 hours in it, so I hope I like it, lol.

Game I Hate that is Liked:  Nier Automata - Neither this game’s gameplay or story impress me, and the fact that you have to replay basically the same stuff from a more boring-to-play-character’s pov in order to SEE all of the plot is a huge damper on the experience.  The story, to me, someone who engages with a lot of robot-focused fiction, is far from impressive or new, and it hardly engages with genre specifics at all, let alone in a new or interesting way.  I view this game as ‘a story with robots in it’ rather than ‘a story about robots’, which, to me, is a detriment.

Underrated: Nevermind - This game is amazing and very unheard of--and when it is heard of, it has been marketed incorrectly.  Nevermind seems like a horror game, and does market itself as one a bit, but it’s much more than that.  It’s more about trauma, recovery, therapy, etc.  This is a game that is so mindful about the topics it engages in that I am impressed by it every time.  It’s heavy with symbolism and character, despite lacking conversations or other similar game mechanics.  This is a lovely game that I really wish more people knew about-`p5-all of the patients are so interesting, and the focus on recovery and mental health is impressive.

Overrated:  Fire Emblem - I sort of mean this as the series as a whole really.  I have enjoyed the entries I have played somewhat, but I overall consider the series much less impressive than I was led to believe by others.  The gameplay especially is not impressive to me in any regard, even though I sometimes do find myself enjoying it.  The stories are alright, but many of them are weighed down by the gameplay and as a writer and person who likes to analyze writing, it’s very hard to do so when it isn’t able to fully exist under the chains the gameplay forces on it.  There are ways to mix gameplay and story well, Fire Emblem has not really done that in any of the entries I’ve played.  That being said, I don’t regret playing them, and I will occasionally replay, but I consider them mediocre games at best.

Best Voice Acting: Devil Survivor 2 - I love the voice acting in this game.  I feel like all the characters are really suited to their voices, and it’s really easy for me to visualize their voices.  They really bring the game to life and make both the dramatic and the funny scenes more enjoyable.

Worst Voice Acting: Jedi Knight Jedi Academy - I love this game, I really do, but some of the voice acting is janky.  Some of it is okay too--I think Kyle Katarn’s voice actor does fine, and some of the others I like NOW but hated when I was a kid, but the male protagonist voice in this game is just awful.  Which is bad when Jennifer Hale is the female voice actress lol.  His performance is passable though unless you’re playing darksided--the darksided ending to the game lacks all punch when you’re playing the male protagonist.

Favorite Male:  Battler Ushiromiya from Umineko no Naku Koro Ni - He’s the protagonist for most of the visual novels and I adore him utterly, especially once you move past episode 2.  He’s a wonderful character who I care about deeply.  I love his drive and how he fights--he’s someone who is easy to cheer for.  He matures well throughout the series and his character development is just wonderful.

Favorite Female:  Naoto Shirogane from Persona 4 - I really like how Naoto fits so well in the game, especially for being a final recruit--oftentimes the final recruit of Persona games (post 3) have a bit of a more difficult time feeling right with the group.  Naoto works really well though, and I love her struggles and story as well.  I think the difficulties she has concerning living as a woman in her field hit very deep to a problem that has existed for a very long time.

Favorite Protagonist: Connor of Daventry from King’s Quest 8 Mask of Eternity - I’m like, one of four fans of this character in the world, lol.  KQ8 is not a very well liked game and it does have a lot of issues, both with age and with how much of a departure it is from the series prior to it.  It’s strange to take a puzzle adventure game and make it a hybrid with what basically is a shooter, and it doesn’t really work.  Add to that the fact that you spend most of your time in the game without anyone around to talk to and it leads to this really polarizing and weird experience.  For me, Conner goes through what I would consider to be the ‘Ultimate Nightmare Scenario”.  Everyone in the world is turned to stone except him (and he survived out of mere chance) and so now it’s up to him, practically alone, to save the entire world.  There is no game lonelier than this.  I adore him for his bravery in the face of it, and how he just picks up to do what must be done because someone should do it, and if no one else can, then he will.  I also really love how he apologizes to people who are encased in stone while he takes money from their houses to help him on his journey.  I really do think he went back after the game was over and gave everyone heaps of gold to pay them back with interest lol.

Favorite Village:  Oakvale from Fable - The first Fable is the only one I really like, and it was one of the games I played when I was little, so the hometown in the game always meant a lot to me.  I like how you grow up there and how your tragic backstory is there--and then how you get to return to the town years later after you’ve come into your own, and you can see it completely rebuilt.  I like to spend a lot of my time in this town, just wandering around it and playing the minigames.  Even though I have a house in every town, Oakvale is where my hero calls home.

Most Hated Character:  Merril from Dragon Age 2 - I don’t really want to lay into how I feel about Merril, but what I will say is that it was suggested to me that I totally ignore her when playing, and I did so.  I only met her for her quest, dropped her off in town, and literally never spoke to her or interacted for the rest of the game.  I had a much better experience for it, honestly.  She appeared after I made my choice in the end of the game, which felt weird since I hadn’t spoken to her in several ingame years, but other than that, the game was totally fine without her.  I sort of just wish you could kill characters in DA2 the way you can in DAO, then I’d just do that, tbh.  It doesn’t suit very many (or any) of the characters I rp in DA2 to keep her around or support her in any way.

First Game I Played: Mixed up Mother Goose Deluxe - I’m not actually sure if this is the FIRST game I’ve ever played or not, but it’s one of the first I played alone as a kid.  I really loved it--this is probably what created my love for point and click adventures, and the game was very silly and fun.

Favorite Company: Bioware - I’ve always been a sucker for Bioware games, ever since Knights of the Old Republic 1 was my favorite childhood game.  I love how they do stories and party members, and while I’m not a fan of all of their games, I really love what they’ve made and their style of storytelling and character driven plot.  Even though sometimes their stories get cliche, I think the suit video games well and most of my early gaming was within their games.

Hated Company: EA - Bioware truly only started to go to shit after the EA acquisition, so I fucking hate EA.   I know Bioware had issues before EA too, but I definitely don’t think EA has helped the situation whatsoever.

Depressing Game: The Beginner’s Guide - I relate to this game as a creator and a writer, and it affects me deeply because of the story it tells and the questions it raises.  It makes me reflect on how I think of myself as a creator, and it reminds me of friendships I used to have.

Creepy Game:  The Path - God, I love this game.  It’s just aimlessly wandering around and finding symbolic scenery and watching your current character comment on it.  Then, you go off to find your girl’s wolf, and each one is different and unique to her, and you watch it ‘kill’ her--and facing her wolf is the only way each girl can truly mature.  Whenever you get to grandmother’s house, the camera switches to first person, and your eyes keep closing, so you can only see while clicking to move.  It forces you to keep moving so that you can see, but since you are moving, you only get to see things somewhat vaguely.  It’s got a great atmosphere, and I love the symbolic storytelling.

Happy Game: Eastshade - This game is so sweet.  There’s some drama around to with many of the quests, but I like this as an rpg without combat, and I think this would be a really good kids game.  There’s a lot to see and explore, and the game was made to be really pretty so that you want to paint several aspects of it.  It’s really lovely to just wander around in this game and bike around the area, painting anything that suits your fancy.  As long as you don’t finish the main quest, you’re free to wander, and materials do respawn, so you essentially can infinitely paint once you get far enough.

Favorite Ending: Virtue’s Last Reward - I love the questions this game asks and where the ending goes.  It thematically ties together--the whole reason the game itself exists is to get the attention of a ‘higher being’--the player, essentially.  I love how it plays with that concept, and even though the final game in the series doesn’t entirely pick this idea up where this game left it, standalone this game is stunning in how it comes together.

[itsclydebitches]

You know what I think is funny, fandom loves to throw "the animation and writing teams don't work together" as a reason we can't read into different things happening onscreen (Which regardless, that's really stupid, since acting/animation/intonation of the lines/etc can impact the way the story is perceived). But they're also the same ones talking about how the animation is showing the little love things between Blake and Yang and other small tells we see that shows the team hasn't changed much.

This is a problem with all analysis and something that everyone is inclined to do (simply because we all have our opinions and we all want to be right lol). At its most basic, it’s pointing to certain events in a story as proof of an argument while simultaneously ignoring other events that disprove it. We see this all the time when people discuss characters they like/don’t like: you’ll either get a list of all the good qualities or a list of all the bad, with the “analysis” refusing to engage with that other list. Once you move past that roadblock - once you train yourself to consider everything in the text, even when it’s frustrating - you get more complex readings. The stuff that says, “Yes, on the surface it looks like this character has all these bad qualities too but we need to take context into account as well. Like the fact that when they did this Bad Thing someone was blackmailing them into it whereas they did this Good Thing of their own accord.” Or, “Yes, this character has a mix of Good and Bad qualities so maybe we should be acknowledging a more nuanced reading of their morality rather than insisting ‘They’re the devil’ or ‘uwu they’re a baby who did no wrong’” The purpose of analysis is for the text to drive your argument, not for your argument to drive the reading of the text. When something doesn’t fit well you need to take that into account and re-evaluate your thesis. You don’t ignore/twist that wrinkle in an effort to maintain the argument you first started out with. Which is why you analyze the text first and come up with the thesis second. 

Now yes, apply all this to the animation issues. We cannot simultaneously say, “Aspects of the animation prove that Blake/Yang is becoming a thing” as well as, “It doesn’t matter if we saw Clover wink at Qrow. That’s meaningless.” Authorial intent does have some bearing on how we read this, in that we’ve gotten confirmation that some animation choices - like Oscar running down the hall before punching Neo - were mistakes, but in order for that to fully drive our reading of the show as a whole we’d need confirmation regarding every single piece of animation. Did you mean for Ren to look sad in that scene? Were Blake and Weiss supposed to exchange that glance? Is it a mistake that this character rolled their eyes or was that, unlike some other things, intentional? Unless we get a comprehensive list of every animation choice - which we will literally never have for obvious reasons - analysis must function under near absolutes: either the animation has meaning or it doesn’t. Pick one and stick to it (though preferably pick the former because, as you say, of course our visuals impact the reading of the show. They were always supposed to!) You cannot say that the animation choice is full of meaning when Ren and Nora cast loving glances because you adore them as a ship, but then claim that the animation choice to have Yang, Weiss, and Blake draw their weapons on Qrow is meaningless because you don’t like the idea of the girls doing something awful and having to grapple with that. Anything else is just the behavior of the first paragraph, emphasizing the things you like because they support the arguments you also like, while failing to either a) acknowledge these other aspects at all or b) explain how they don’t actually undermine your argument like they appear to at first glance. That’s why I acknowledge the ramifications of Ironwood shooting Oscar. It doesn’t matter how much I hate it, it exists in the text and needs to be taken into account (work a). It’s likewise why I explain in detail why arguments about the Ace Ops losing aren’t persuasive. They initially look persuasive, but poke at them a bit and you’ll see all the holes (work b). 

For the record, this stuff is really hard. There’s a reason why we take classes in analysis. There’s a reason why you study for 6+ years before you’re considered good enough to start publishing papers. These trends - particularly ignoring parts of the text or trying desperately to twist them into something that fits your original argument, rather than revising the argument to fit the evidence - are all mistakes that everyone makes when they first start analyzing things. I did! And those mistakes will seem very persuasive to others who don’t practice analysis enough to recognize when they - or others - are repeating those trends. Which is how you end up with posts arguing non-persuasive or even nonsensical things but are praised extensively. You have to learn how to spot those mistakes and learning how to avoid them is even harder. It’s not just a skill but a kind of mental fortitude. In order to produce persuasive and compelling analysis you have to be willing to potentially chuck your argument in the bin at any given moment. It’s a lot like science that way. Oh, something just disproved our theory? That sucks but we can’t ignore this new evidence just because we spent years chasing something else. We can’t allow personal desires to overcome facts. (Though that’s not to say the chase was wasted. The mere act of working through “wrong” arguments is an important part of hitting on the “right” ones.) 

For the record, this kind of difficulty with critical thought/rhetoric is the same reason why dangerous bigotry like “Getting vaccines will give your child autism” or “Accepting trans people will lead to women getting attacked in bathrooms” take off. Those are both arguments, but the people consuming them often don’t know how to work through the evidence provided to decide if that argument is persuasive - or even know to look for evidence at all. They stop after reading the statement, taking it as an automatic fact, just like a newbie writer in their Freshman high school course may write out a thesis and think that’s it. What do you mean I have to prove it? What do you mean my proof is subjective, unsubstantiated, and is ignoring other pieces of evidence? It’s not proof at all? Oh... It gets particularly difficult when you chuck in the sheer complexities of most political situations and add in a dash of learning that the mere existence of some evidence (“evidence”) doesn’t automatically outweigh all the rest. A perfect example being: 

Don’t be that woman. But all that takes time to learn and it requires the ability to admit you were wrong. Sometimes about small things (“Oh yeah, I forgot that happened!”) as well as about incredibly massive things (“Shit. I’ve been basing my identity around this inaccurate concept and using it to hurt many, many people...”) Both of which are needed to create compassionate human beings who, by default, are not born knowing All The Things Ever. Thus, this is why analyzing “stupid” shows like RWBY isn’t the useless activity that many would prefer to paint it as. If you can learn how to critically engage with what people say about your favorite show, you’re developing the same skills needed to critically engage with, say, what the president is currently tweeting about...

ANYWAY, that’s a bit more of a deep dive than the ask probably meant to produce. But here we are :D

[hero--for--fun]

Shadow {an analysis}

Been putting a lot of thought into her lately and I’ve decided a path for her and its pretty good development.

This is pretty long so its going under a cut, but I wanna talk about her.

This post also contains some Zombieman parenting stuff.

~A great deal of her feeling of rebellion and toxic mind set comes from three factors.  A). Feeling like she’s less important  B).  Being shut down for her interests. C). Skunk

Lets start with A.

Feeling Like She’s Less Important

Her father is an S class hero, so he’s usually busy. Often Zombieman would have to break promises to her. Slowly, she developed the mindset that he was undependable, but with Skunks pushing, she started to believe that she was just not one of his priorities. 

Especially since Sadako was born, Zombie has been trying to spend more time with his girls, and this rubs Shadow the wrong way. He only gets them on the weekends (every other week if he’s lucky in the summer or during breaks), so he tries not to miss too much time. After years of him not being around, for him to be around now just feels like a kick down.

This doesn’t stop with Zombie either, this also takes place at her mothers house. Shadow’s moms house was given to her in the divorce. Zombie wanted to ensure that his girls had a secure place to stay, and he didn’t want that to ever be jeopardized. When her mom remarried, her new stepdads kids started to stay over more and more, and he decided that the kids needed a room.

While Shadow and Sadako were in Zombies care, stepdad and mom decided to have “renovations” made to the house, and their visit was extended to a month rather than a weekend. When they were finally allowed back home, it was revealed that Shadow’s childhood room was no longer hers, and she had been downgraded to the basement. 

Shadow would have been fine with the basement considering that it was larger than her room, but the fact nobody asked was one of three reasons this was bad. The second reason was that the basement was also going to be made into a playroom, which meant she would have little privacy or space to herself. This decision also meant that her mother and stepfather threw away a lot of her things that they deemed “inappropriate” for the younger children (Shadows posters, creepy stuffed toys, basically anything that seemed occult or dark), not caring about sentimental value or Shadow’s feelings. The third and final reason was that they decided to switch the doors lock so it only locked from the outside, meaning they could lock her in. 

Feeling less important doesn’t stop at parents or family, but I don’t want to get into that for now (because its not fully branched) so lets move on to B).

Being Shut Down For Her Interests

I made a whole fake franchise just for her to be super into called “Labyrinth Series”. Basically it follows main character Betrice (Bet rice) and a group of teens as they navigate this giant labyrinth that takes them across planets and dimensions. It has an awful movie and tv series, a good book series, and basically it’s one of her favorite things because of how dark it can get. 

Shadow could go on and on about this series, and considering that she’s a quiet and introverted person, this is a new behavior for her. It’s not normal for her to have full on conversations and what not, yet here she is talking about this book series and all its plotlines and characters. One of the few ways she is able to bond with Zombie, is this series. 

Let me set a scene here. She’s sitting on the couch on her laptop and suddenly she just lets out this excited gasp. Zombie looks up from where he’s trying to figure out how to set up child filters on an old phone and asks what’s going on. She explains that Labyrinth Series is getting a graphic novel done by an artist she really admires. He asks what Labyrinth Series is and Shadow just starts infodumping about it to him. 

He’s invested, interacting, and interested in this. He’s also impressed that Shadow is actually willing to have a conversation with him, because normally she’s either ignoring him or one word answers. Shadow actually gets him curious about all this and he winds up asking what happens next. She goes quiet and mumbles that she doesn’t know, she left the latest book at her moms and she can’t ask her to bring it because its essentially contraband. 

[end scene]

Shadows mom disapproves of most of Shadows interests and Zombie doesn’t interact with her enough to know what she was into. 

Her mom blamed Shadow’s “anti-social behavior” on three things; Zombieman, her appearance, and her “occult interests”. When Shadow would get to talking about things like Labyrinth Series; what music she was into; or something that didn’t sound like a typical teenage girl interest, her mom would shut it down instantly. This led to Shadow spending more time in her room, which was once the only space where she could freely express herself. Shadow couldn’t trust her mom to even touch her laundry because she’d “accidentally” throw away anything that seemed “too dark”. (That being said Shadow has lost many t-shirts this way)

Zombieman was honestly a big stuck in the past, and while she still loved Monster High most of her dolls were put away. He knew Shadow was growing up and that she was changing, but he didn’t know how much was changing. It genuinely surprised him when she started dressing in black and going by Shadow. He tends to miss trends or hit the wrong ones, and he can’t tell when a trends been over for a while. Shadow also doesn’t typically make it easy to tell she’s into something, so when he does notice she’s into something, she will sometimes deny it purely out of fear of getting shut down.

Lets move onto C).

Skunk.

Skunk is an 18 year old high school dropout who dyes a straight line down his hair different colors and thinks he’s all that and a bag of jacks. His belief is that its him vs the world and every girl who wears black has daddy issues. 

He wound up meeting Shadow at a Hot Topic and he started filling her head with his rather toxic way of thinking.

“The world is against people like us, the chosen few.” 

“You and I can live forever, if you trust me.”

“Nobody understands the pain your going through like I do.”

And Shadow believed him, because in her eyes the world was against them. Every new disaster, every bad thing in her life, the world itself, was flawed. Skunk convinced her that this was all because people like them were wiped out and shipped off as monsters. Skunk was filling her head with lies, and in her already damaged mental state she believes him. 

Zombieman openly despises Skunk, but he can’t do much about him because Skunk isn’t doing anything too illegal. He hears the things Skunk says, and he knows that this is a large source of his daughters toxic mindset, but Shadow is so caught up in this web that she believes that its Zombie oppressing her. This is what Skunk was talking about, and her father will never understand.

Her mom also hates Skunk, but she has absolutely no idea how to make this friendship stop without Shadow turning 100% against her. Shadow would sooner commit crimes then drop the only person who seems to understand her. 

Skunk is manipulative, sleazy, and extremely dangerous. He has a borderline obsession with Shadow because everything she brings to the table here. A famous father, already “damaged”, and willing to follow him blindly. Skunk is a “nice” guy and he wants to “help” Shadow any way possible. He wants what she has, he wants to live forever. 

He doesn’t care about the consequences of it, if he has to sacrifice Shadow or not, or even if he has to spend it alone. All that matters is he is a legend to them all. She depends on him to show her his way, because this path is all she has in her eyes. 

Shadow feels like she’s running in a nightmare. 

end.

There is saving her, there is a way. I’ve already talked a lot and I wanted to post this, so if y’all actually like this maybe let me know. I can type more if y’all like this.

[grass-skirt]

thanks for answering my fisk ask! i appreciate it. can you think of characters that are good examples for a well done sympathetic villain? aside from fma's scar

Your welcome! (And sorry to other folks who’ve sent asks that I haven’t answered yet, but sometimes it’s easier for me to think of how to answer some questions than others and again time and energy are very limited resources for me these days) (And here’s the link to the preceding ask on my thought for what constitutes a sympathetic villain, how Scar is one, and how Wilson Fisk is not) 

And let’s see here. If I had to think of some more well-done examples of sympathetic villains… 

Meruem from HxH: amazing example. As someone not human, born not just socially, but biologically, to be king with the massive power to back it up and no reference point for what it meant to care or have feelings for others. And yet, he met someone who could best him in one thing, one simple thing, and slowly fell in love with her and through her uncovered the humanity no one thought he had. (Not to mention, he was manipulated by Pouf who tried to stamp out the love he had learned to feel and set him back on the path of a heartless conqueror, so we can also feel sympathy for his character on that front as well) 

Tetsuo Shima from Akira: this is possibly a more (lowkey) controversial choice. Because yeah, he’s a 15-year old asshole who got psychic powers and became an even bigger asshole. But I feel like he’s an incredibly understandable character precisely because of that. To me, he’s an exploration of the effects that insecurity, powerlessness, poverty, and environmental instability can have on kids. Take a kid who feels miserable and doubts himself and isn’t supported by the society around him who wants desperately to be respected and in control and give him power… He couldn’t control his powers well, they caused him massive pain and made him fear what they would do to his mind and body. He could control through fear but he couldn’t control himself and that pain and uncertainty and fear never left him. One of the elements of a good sympathetic villain to me is that their choices make sense. And Tetsuo is a character whose choices were almost all bad, but IMO make sense from the sad, angry perspective of the view he had and the world around him. (Long ago I made a cool graphic about him) 

Jasper from SU: now here’s an actual potentially controversial choice. Steering clear of the whole Malachite discourse and just focusing more broadly on her character, she was a huge jerk who beat the snot out of people and seemed to relish in it. She was the biggest villain in SU for a good long while, and there was little reason to think of her as sympathetic. That is, until we found out that the reason she hated the Earth and the Crystal Gems and was so fixated on strength is because thousands of years ago the Crystal Gems murdered the person she most loved and adored and the person she was literally created to serve. Then we start being able to see how her villainous beliefs and actions were shaped by the culture and society of the Diamond Authority that doesn’t give it’s members much in the way of choice or freedom. And then we also find out that the person who Jasper’s very existence was for had faked her own death and everything Jasper believed for the past 5000 years was a lie. Again, she’s a villain whose horribleness can be seen as a result of the circumstances around her, and we can see that if she had been told the truth and given different opportunities she perhaps could have been someone good instead of eventually devolving into a literal monster. 

Eric Killmonger from Black Panther: he was someone who fought for a cause he believed him, and that was righteous and justified in his eyes. He grew up in poverty, his father was murdered, and he lived his life on the outside of a great society of wealth and equality, always aware of what they had but wouldn’t share with him or others who were also suffering. He looked at the imperialist, racist, oppressive actions of the world and thought, “Wakanda’s neutrality is acceptance of injustice. If the nation of my birth has the ability to reshape the world, punish the injustice of nations and societies, and give power to our oppressed people, we should do it.” T'challa’s view was that you can’t hurt and kill innocent people in the name of justice. Killmonger’s view was that harm, death, and suffering were constantly happening anyway, and that T’challa’s stance was accepting and tacitly endorsing this injustice. Again, his villainy came from a place of understandable suffering and genuine belief that fighting fire with fire was better than standing on the sidelines and simply watching the fire burn. 

And two final characters: 

Donquixote Doflamingo from One Piece gets an honorable mention. He could have been an amazing sympathetic villain, but for some reason Oda took a character who was born into a culture of ignorance, corruption, and greed, who lost everything and was tortured by angry mobs who blamed him for sins he hadn’t committed, who was then raised by a group of older boys and men who again groomed him and lead him down a road of villainy…. and then said, “Hey, this guy? Doflamingo? He was just born evil. Yeah, that’s it. He was born evil. So don’t worry so much about all the environmental stuff, because he was born evil anyway. Even his brother said so.” (Again, here’s a graphic and analysis I did on the subject for those who have forgotten) 

Lady Eboshi from Princess Mononoke. (I also wrote a big post about her and the overall movie and how great it is.) She isn’t a sympathetic villain. Not really. She is both ends of the moral spectrum simultaneously in every move she makes. She was a monster, a destroyer of gods, an environmentalist’s nightmare who burned nature in the name of industry. She was also a savior, a humanitarian, a veritable saint who took in the sick and the downtrodden of society and gave them respect, empowerment, and a home they were happy in. And all the while… we never actually know what she’s thinking. One could argue that she’s still a villain (rather than simply an antagonist), but the key point here is that she is not sympathetic. Does she help others because she cares, or because through helping them she ultimately benefits herself? We don’t know for sure. The story does not invite us into her internal world. She’s not a sympathetic villain because we’re never asked to sympathize with her. Instead, we’re asked to think of bigger ideas. We’re asked to take a look at the ways human society can benefit itself, advance equality, and lift up the powerless by using and destroying the natural world around us. Is it worth it? What are the unintended consequences of these actions? Can humans harm nature without inevitably also hurting ourselves? Lady Eboshi’s thoughts and feelings and true motivations don’t matter. We don’t know, and we can’t know, and at the end of the day does it matter either way? Even if she was calculated and selfish it wouldn’t change that she’s helping people, and even if she was motivated by love and compassion it also wouldn’t change the harm she’s done. She’s a representation of ideas, forces, and choices larger than herself. Those ideas are what’s important to the film, and they are explored without ever diving into the mind of Lady Eboshi herself because what the thinks and feels has no bearing on the consequences of her actions. 

A villain is someone who hurts others who do not deserve to be hurt. A person is sympathetic when we feel for them. Villainy is external. That person harms others, so we hate them. Sympathy is internal. We feel another’s pain, and understand the reasons for their choices, which includes the possibility that they never even had a choice at all. Lady Eboshi is so interesting to me because she is completely external. We are tasked with viewing and judging her based entirely on the consequences of her actions without factoring in what she thinks, what she feels, and why she’s doing it. We don’t have sympathy for her, rather we have sympathy for the people she helps regardless of whether Lady Eboshi is doing it out of kindness or doing it to benefit herself. 

It’s odd that I spent the most time in this ask about sympathetic villains talking about someone who I think isn’t one, but I think that it’s both helpful and interesting to dive into how a character can completely subvert and dodge the label of a sympathetic villain while still fully capturing their contradictory essence. We hate and condemn the actions of sympathetic villains while also understanding them, respecting the “why” behind what they do, and potentially even loving them. With Lady Eboshi, we’re not supposed to care about the why. We’re not supposed to care about her. While I do love her, that’s not the part that matters. Instead, that same contradictory dynamic takes the form of the audience loving who she she helps while also loving who/what she hurts in the process. The thing’s we’re supposed to care about are entirely outside her. 

I think that sympathetic villains are so interesting because they prompt us to think about why a person hurts others and see that something more than just innate evil is often there–that there are reasons why evil exists in villains’ hearts and that there are things that we can and should do about that. Whether it’s a character like Meruem who was “born” evil but learned to love and ultimately chose to embrace it, or a character like Scar who started out a decent young man who became a serial killer because of the genocide his people suffered. Either way,  through them we are given an exploration of evil that emphasizes heartfelt understanding–understanding the “why” of evil so that we can either heal it or address the circumstances of its creation in the first place. If a sympathetic villain is well written and well handled in their story, the audience should be able to learn about the sources of evil in the world and how it could be made a little better. 

[stephenmccull]

What the Slowing Vaccine Rates Mean for One Rural Montana County

KALISPELL, Mont. — The covid vaccination operation at the Flathead County fairgrounds can dole out 1,000 doses in seven hours. But demand has plummeted recently, down to fewer than 70 requests for the shots a day.

This story also ran on NPR. It can be republished for free.

So, at the start of May, the northwestern Montana county dropped its mass vaccination offerings from three to two clinics a week. Though most of those eligible in the county haven’t yet gotten a dose, during the final Thursday clinic on April 29, few cars pulled up and nurses had time to chat between patients.

“It’s a trickle,” said Flathead City-County Health Officer Joe Russell. “Not enough people will get vaccinated to reach herd immunity, not in Flathead County and maybe not in Montana.”

Daily covid vaccination rates are falling nationwide. Gaps in vaccine uptake are starting to show, especially in rural America. That leaves many communities grappling with an imperfect pandemic endgame.

Flathead stands out as one of Montana’s most populated counties to fall behind. There, 25% of people had been fully vaccinated by May 10. To compare, nearly 33% of Montanans were fully vaccinated, and that figure is closer to 35% nationwide.

Flathead County is a medical destination for the top corner of the state, a gateway to Glacier National Park and neighbor to two tribal nations. It’s Montana’s fourth-largest county by population with more than 103,000 people, yet it’s rural — 18 people per square mile. It’s also conservative, with the majority of residents voting for former President Donald Trump last year. National polling has shown rural Americans and Republicans to be among the most resistant to getting vaccines.

Russell said he hopes at least 40% of Flathead County residents eventually get the shots. That’s well below the 70% to 80% believed to be needed to create widespread protection from the pathogen that has stalled normal life.

Public health experts worry about reservoirs of the virus fueling outbreaks. That possibility further strains year-old tensions in places such as Flathead County, where strangers and family members alike can be split on whether the virus is a threat and the decision to wear a mask marks where people stand. Covid vaccines are the latest phase of that divide.

Cameron Gibbons, who lives outside Kalispell, has worried about how covid could affect her 13-year-old son. He’s had coughs turn into lung infections that landed him in the emergency room for trouble breathing, so the family has played it safe during the pandemic.

“We haven’t seen family in a long time because they haven’t chosen to be careful, which is OK, as long as when we get back to normal we can all set our differences aside,” Gibbons said. “Now there’s this judgment of ‘Oh, you got the vaccine.’”

Some of Montana’s most vaccinated places overlap with tribal nations. Chelsea Kleinmeyer, the health director of the Confederated Salish and Kootenai Tribes, said the tribes’ members seemed to largely accept vaccines after the pandemic disproportionately sickened and killed Native Americans. But the reservation crosses four counties, including Flathead.

“We travel to those counties every single day,” Kleinmeyer said. “It goes back to: Are we really protected against this virus, these variants, if we don’t achieve herd immunity?”

States are shifting from mass clinics to bringing shots to where people are, but that strategy, too, can be unpredictable. The same day of the county’s final Thursday clinic, the local health system hosted a walk-in clinic in the middle of the Flathead Valley Community College campus in Kalispell. Most of the chairs for people to wait 15 minutes post-shot remained empty and, by early afternoon, the clinic had to send 200 doses to the county health department to avoid wastage.

Although organizers had hoped to vaccinate at least 100 people that day, Audra Saranto, a registered nurse who heads Kalispell Regional Healthcare’s vaccination team, said she counts the college event as a success — 50 people got vaccines who might otherwise not have.

The health system may host similar clinics at major job sites, like for a lumber company. A mobile team will offer shots in busy places like farmers markets, even if it means risking people not following up for a second dose.

It’s not surprising that covid vaccinations aren’t universally accepted yet in this divided county. Flathead’s board of health deadlocked over mask rules and crowd size limits amid the area’s worst covid outbreaks. Two top county health officials resigned in the past year. Thousands of people have signed dueling petitions to remove or keep one board of health member who had stirred doubt over covid-19 cases and opposed mask rules.

And the city of Kalispell is home to state Sen. Keith Regier, a Republican who repeated false claims on the Senate floor last month that covid vaccines may contain microchips to track people. Regier said in an interview he was “offering caution in how we progress with this vaccination.”

Meanwhile, Whitefish, roughly a 20-minute drive from Kalispell, has maintained a mask ordinance that has outlasted the statewide mandate. Banners downtown show local leaders asking people to mask up so people can pray together and keep schools open. Even so, the rule isn’t always followed there.

At the county’s final Thursday clinic, John Calhoun, 67, undid his pearl snap shirt to get his second shot and joked with the nurse, “I’m doing this so Joe Biden doesn’t throw me in jail.”

Calhoun said he hopes being vaccinated will help him ease tensions the next time someone tells him to wear a mask. He believes covid-19 is real but doesn’t think it’s as serious as health officials claim, even though he has diabetes, a risk factor for covid complications.

“Nothing seems to bother me all that bad,” Calhoun said. “I had a horse fall on me, broke my hip, and once stabbed myself with a hunting knife. All that caused me a bit of a problem, but other stuff just doesn’t bother me.”

He decided to get the shot after an old high school friend with a degree in biochemistry told him it was important — an opinion Calhoun trusted over those of government-paid experts and liberal politicians who he said have used the pandemic to grab more power.

Calhoun said he’s still trying to talk his wife, Lola, into getting vaccinated to play it safe: “She’s one of those ladies that you don’t talk her into much.”

Lola Calhoun, 59, said she got her shingles vaccine within the past year because she trusts the protection it offers. When it comes to covid, she said she’d rather risk the virus than be injected with vaccines that feel too new, despite decades of research underpinning their unprecedented development.

“The covid vaccine to me is experimental and we are the case studies,” she said. “Maybe a year from now, I’ll see what happens to these people who got the vaccine.”

On a recent evening, Ray Sederdahl, 63, sat on his girlfriend’s Kalispell porch while his grandkids picked dandelions. The Air Force veteran said even if he wasn’t skeptical of the vaccines, he thinks of covid as an illness that’s much like the flu.

“The VA keeps trying to get me to schedule an appointment and I just say, ‘At this time, I’ll pass,’” Sederdahl said. “A lot of the older vets I talk to, they didn’t get it either, and they’re not gonna get it.”

To Sederdahl, things feel normal enough. Businesses are open and he doesn’t have to wear a mask most places.

Erica Lengacher, an intensive care unit nurse in Kalispell who has worked covid units and vaccine clinics, said she’s sad but not surprised that vaccine rates are slowing. But, she said, the overall feeling at the county’s vaccine clinics is hopefulness — people are still showing up, even if the crowds are smaller.

Lengacher said Flathead was hit so hard this winter, she hopes some natural immunity from those already infected, along with the growing vaccination levels, will be enough to hold off further outbreaks over the next few months.

“Just given our lifestyle — single-family homes, no public transportation, a few people per square mile — we may get away with it,” Lengacher said. “But there’s a big question mark of how variants show up here. There are just a lot of big question marks.”

As of May 10, the county had 116 confirmed active cases of covid, up from 71 on April 23.

KHN (Kaiser Health News) is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues. Together with Policy Analysis and Polling, KHN is one of the three major operating programs at KFF (Kaiser Family Foundation). KFF is an endowed nonprofit organization providing information on health issues to the nation.

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This story can be republished for free (details).

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[isroselalondebisexual]

You're probably getting tired of doing kidswap analysis, but I just really wanna know how you think these ones would work: Rose Strider (swapped with Dirk), Dave Lalonde (swappes with Roxy), Jade Crocker, and John English?

So Rose Strider, growing up entirely alone in a very enclosed space, observing her Bro (for the sake of my sanity, we’re gonna say it’s Dirk who grew up kinda weird but generally okay) from a distance of many years. Extended isolation probably means touch is something she simultaneously craves but has NO IDEA what to do with. She observes her friends and reads over her own conversations with them a million times, overanalyzing everything partly because she’s very smart, and partly because she has nothing else to do, and partly because she has no idea how regular human beings interact because she isn’t one. Goes out swimming a lot, isn’t really mechanically minded so she doesn’t end up with Dirk’s hoverboard or anything but she’d actually probably end up a REALLY good sailor. Knows the winds, knows the waves, goes out sailing and fishing and pretends she’s a protagonist in one of Ernest Hemmingway’s novels, like The Old Man and the Sea or something. Probably hates the taste of orange soda and orange Gatorade. Thinks it’s her Bro trying to pull some kind of game with her. He was a weird dude. There’s definitely meaning here. Is the Gatorade a passive aggressive reminder to stay hydrated? Is all the soda meant to remind her that salt water is undrinkable and she must consume this processed, sugary, water-shit in order to survive? Oh, he got her good. At the same time, she probably looks up to him a lot, even if she would rather pry her own teeth out than admit it. She’s really good at sewing and knitting, and has a bunch of plush replicas of his famous smuppet empire. She sleeps holding onto an orange one she crocheted. She’s stuck isolated with only her waterproof computer and a couple robots her Bro left behind as “caretakers,” but they don’t really have any soul in them, not that she can see. So she rabidly learns everything she can. She reads wikipedia for fun, has a million tabs open at all times, learning has never lost its magic and sometimes she wonders if that’s really all she can even do. Definitely has attachment issues, where sometimes she’s cold and callous and goes long spans of time when her friends don’t see hide nor hair of her, and other times suddenly they can’t get her out of their personal space. No idea how to relate to human beings. Awake on her moon beforehand, she’s communed with the horrorterrors a bit, and has used that to her advantage as a Seer. As Seer of Heart, she knows a lot about her friends! She can see their souls in plain, she knows she’s loved, and she knows they’re all friends, and she is good at picking up on their emotions and moods. But what does she DO with that information????? John is distressed so… pat his back??? Give him chocolate??? When Dave is humored should she laugh??? Is she even in on the joke??? What does Jade need when she’s angry??? Should Rose just listen??? Give words of comfort??? Help her calm down??? Socializing is so HARD! She has all this information but doesn’t know what to DO with it! Her quest, much like Dirk, is to figure out how to be, like, a human being who can relate to others in a productive and empathetic manner.

Dave, raised in isolation, growing up adoring his mom from many years distance, with a cat-cloning machine and a bunch of chess pieces for company. He, at least, understands the basics of the social exchange. The chess dudes aren’t the BRIGHTEST, and they don’t really operate with human social norms, and they’re always hungry, and sometimes they try to eat his cats (Dave is cat dad now, those are his babies), but he likes them, they’re his buddies. Pumpkin potlucks with pumpkins imported directly from John’s island are probably pretty common? Is Dave sick of the taste of pumpkin? Probably. Does he absolutely want to have those potlucks anyway? You bet your ass he does. He’s friends with them, for all they seem to worship him as some sort of god. He probably thinks they’re all really great and adores them in a capacity similar to how he loves the Mayor. Getting to meet his friends face to face is probably something that is simultaneously the best thing in his life, and absolutely terrifying. Holy shit, those are other human beings. Dave doesn’t know how to human. He tries desperately to human, and he tries to model himself after his mom (it doesn’t end up too well), but holy shit he is a novice in the art of humaning Rose. Rose what should he do. Rose. Knight of Void, his job is to protect them from the unforseen and covert. )(IC and the Dersian agents are gonna have a harder time with Dave on the scene, and while he cannot perform Roxy’s role of leading their session, he can damn well keep it safe.

Jade Crocker, raised by Dad Crocker, in a society much like ours but slightly more advanced and as heiress to a baking empire. Probably a culinary scientist of some sort, since her whole life baking and cooking and stuff has been a thing, but she’s still, at her heart, innovative and scientific. Probably knows the nutritional properties of a tomato and lots of weird food history fun facts. An actual goddess with mettle to be meddled with and an optimistic attitude that cannot be kept down. Crockpop of course supports his daughter and is so proud of her, encourages her to pursue all her goals, and watch out for assassination attempts. Good reflexes. Definitely a dog person. The kind of girl who will make those “A cat came into my house, teleported me across town when it was raining, and left me there to call my dad to come pick me up while I stood in an abandoned field for half an hour because he plugged the wrong address into his gps” posts. Nobody really takes them seriously but since she lives with GCat meddling in her life they’re actually true. That damn cat has caused her TOO MANY PROBLEMS. If you have a cat she wants NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Probably unironically reblogged that post about the “I’m a lesbian and I hate cats” article and insists that dogs are the only way to go. Does own a rifle in this verse, but Crockpop is VERY meticulous about gun safety and proper usage and handling and some of their father-daughter bonding time is the two of them out on the shooting range together. She’s a real sharp shot. Witch of Life, she’s a powerful healer and can revive folk, but more than that, she can FUCKING TAKE YOURS FROM YOU IF YOU CROSS HER. Like Feferi, her powers are pretty vast in what she’s capable of doing, and she doesn’t have a lot of restraints on them, so the last place you wanna be is on her bad side. She can give you life and she can take it away, bitch. Also… so this is entirely inspired by that one Overwatch character, but please imagine Jade alchemizing a rifle where the bullets are her Life magic and she just. Shoots you better. My badass daughter oh my god I love her so much.

John English would likely end up a lot like John Harley, just without the nifty chess people or magic dog and with some cool monsters plus the death of his grandma. Depression sets in early, socializing is hard, getting out of bed is hard, feeling excited or adventurous is fucking hard, even though he wants to. He wants to feel happy and good and excited, he craves that, but it’s hard. He wants to be goofy and have fun but it’s all so exhausting but talking to his friends usually makes that aching tiredness inside him alleviate for a little while. He’s not suited to isolation. As Heir of Hope, he would start out thinking that the Game got his classpect wrong. He’s not hopeful. He doesn’t embody anything remotely approximating hopefulness. But the point of the Game is that he must become hopeful, he must unfurl his wings and take to brighter skies, brighter times, build his relationships now that he can see his friends, love them fully with his whole heart, not at a distance but present and real. His story would not be the story of a plucky go-getter adventurer, but as a broken boy learning how to Hope for the first time. It is a story of overcoming, of victory, and of the desperate pursuit of forward motion, of learning how to look forward to the future and see good things in it, of finding happiness and goodness in a life of possibilities, even when faced with adversaries.

[infiniteglitterfall]

I stumbled across the full text of a 15-year-old paper on intersex people and marriage equality! 

It means sex as in gender, not sex as in doing it. The author is just engaging in some wordplay to catch people’s eyes. 

"Does a Marriage Really Need Sex?: A Critical Analysis of the Gender Restriction on Marriage,” by Randi E. Frankle, in Fordham Urban Law Journal, in 2002,  “discusses the issues surrounding intersex persons and the right to marry.” 

“Marriage seems like an uncomplicated institution at first blush. Many people, beginning in childhood, think that marriage is something for which they should strive as a routine part of adult life. It seems that much of a person's life, particularly in the younger years, is devoted to finding that "’special someone.’ 

“A problem often arises, however, when that special someone is not who society expects, such as when that person is of the same-sex, is transsexual, or the individual is intersex. The topic of marriage then seems to become extremely complicated.”

[Note: this paper uses the terms “transsexual” and “homosexual” because that’s what was considered appropriate formal language in 2002. It also says it’ll use “genetic man/genetic woman” for people who are neither trans nor intersex: “cis” wasn’t in widespread use yet, and “perisex” still isn’t.]

“Opponents of same-sex marriage argue that marriage should remain limited to a union between one man and one woman. This definition categorically excludes homosexuals, transsexuals, and, presumably, intersex individuals.”

[Of course the law didn’t literally say “trans people can’t get married.” But a lot of this paper is devoted to showing how the “one man and one woman” stuff was used against trans people’s marriages in court. Likewise, the law didn’t explicitly exclude intersex people from getting married, it just worked in a way that didn’t make any sense for intersex people.]

“The most common rationale for limiting marriage in this manner, however, is circular: marriage should be limited to between one man and one woman because that is the way it has always been....

“Since their sexual characteristics are ambiguous, the question arises: when are intersex individuals considered to be in an apparently heterosexual relationship? If their chromosomal makeup is incongruent with their physical sex characteristics, or their physical sex characteristics are ambiguous at best, then what criteria determine whether they are in a heterosexual marriage for the purposes of these statutes? Is it even possible for an intersex person to be a part of an opposite sex couple? 

“There are no recent United States cases challenging the validity of a marriage where one of the partners is intersex, and few United States cases involving this issue in general. Case law involving marriages where one partner is a transsexual is analogous, however, because post-operatively they also have ambiguous sex characteristics. These cases can be examined in the absence of case law involving the intersex.

It goes on to share some really interesting legal battles, and what it would mean for someone who was also intersex to be in those positions, and to speculate about what we can take from this about what marriage laws SHOULD look like. 

I’ll put some of that below the cut so this doesn’t get too long, but one of my favorite bits is actually in a footnote.

The paper talks about a ‘90s court case in Texas that said a trans woman couldn’t file a wrongful death action against her late (cis) husband’s doctor, because she presumably had XY chromosomes and therefore couldn’t legally say she had been married to him. 

The footnote says: “Two or three lesbian couples in Texas have been able to obtain marriage licenses and legally marry because one of the women is a male-to-female transsexual. See ‘Lesbian Couple Get a Marriage License,’ SAN ANTONIO EXPRESS-NEWS, June 12, 2001; see also John Gutierrez-Mier, ‘Two More Women Obtain County Marriage License: One Member of Couple Was Born a Man,’ SAN ANTONIO EXPRESS-NEWS, Sept. 21, 2000.” 

Here’s most of the paper tho, starting with the trans court cases, or you can read the whole thing at the link above. If you read it, reblog and tell me your favorite part! I HAVE SO MANY: 

1. Transsexual Case Law as a Guide a. Littleton v. Prange

Christie Lee Littleton, although her chromosomal makeup was never tested, was born with normal male genitalia. Christie identified as being female since she was approximately three years old. She underwent sex reassignment surgery in her twenties and had her birth certificate legally changed to reflect her female gender. Christie then married a genetic man, Jonathon Littleton, with whom she lived for seven years. 

Upon his death, Christie initiated a wrongful death action against one of Jonathon's doctors in her capacity as Jonathon's surviving spouse. The doctor challenged Christie's standing, asserting that she could not legally be Jonathon's surviving spouse because she was legally a man and Texas does not allow marriage between two people of the same sex. 

The Court of Appeals of Texas, Fourth District, determined that the issue of whether Christie was a man or a woman was a matter of law, thus the judge, rather than a jury, would decide the issue. 

Although the court mentioned such factors as gonads, genitalia, chromosomes, and psychological makeup as being important to determine Christie's sex, it primarily considered genitalia at birth and presumed chromosomes. The court relied heavily on the fact that Christie was physically male at birth and deduced from this fact that Christie must have male, or XY chromosomes. 

The court then stated, ‘[M]ale chromosomes do not change with either hormonal treatment or sex reassignment surgery.’ The court concluded that because Christie presumably had male chromosomes, she was still male and, therefore, could not be legally married to another male.

b. In re Estate of Gardiner

This case also involved a challenge by a third party to a marriage where one of the partners was a transsexual.

J'Noel Gardiner was born with normal male genitalia, but viewed herself as female from puberty. J'Noel's chromosomes are presumably untested. She underwent sex reassignment surgery beginning in 1991, completed reassignment in 1994, and eventually married a genetic male, Marshall Gardiner. As in Littleton, there was no evidence of fraud in J'Noel and her husband's one-year marriage.

Marshall Gardiner died intestate; his son then challenged the validity of the marriage, alleging that J'Noel was a man for the purposes of marriage in Kansas. 

The Kansas Supreme Court discussed the relevant cases at length, but relied mainly on Littleton. The court cited Littleton with approval, noting that a male-to-female transsexual may appear to be a woman, but medical science cannot change a person's legal sex from male at birth to female. 

Although the court acknowledged that by deeming male-to-female transsexuals male, Littleton would allow a male-to-female transsexual to marry a woman, it attempted to avoid the loophole by relying on a 1970 version of Webster's Dictionary to define male, female, and sex.

The court followed the dictionary's definition and defined male as one who begets offspring and female as one who produces ova and bears offspring. The court stated that these definitions simply do not encompass transsexuals. 

The court concluded that since J'Noel did not fit within the meaning of female, she could not legally be married to a male.

c. In re Ladrach

Elaine Frances Ladrach is a male-to-female transsexual who attempted to obtain a marriage license from the state of Ohio to marry a genetic male. As in the previous two cases, Elaine was born with normal male genitalia and was designated male on her birth certificate. Elaine's chromosomes were also untested.She underwent sex reassignment surgery and appeared externally physically female. 

Elaine sought a declaratory judgment that she be deemed female for all legal purposes, including amending her birth certificate and obtaining a marriage license as a female. 

The Ohio Probate Court, applying a similar analysis to that in Littleton, determined that because Elaine was physically a male at birth and presumably had male chromosomes, she was not entitled to change her birth certificate or obtain a marriage license as a female.  

The court primarily relied on a 1966 New York Supreme Court case where that court based its decision on a recommendation of the New York Academy of Medicine that the sex listed on birth certificates should not be changed to help "psychologically ill" people.

d. M.T. v.J.T.

M.T. v. J.T. represents one of the few favorable cases for transsexuals. In this case, M.T., a transsexual [woman], filed a complaint for maintenance and support after J.T., a genetic male, left the marriage. There was no allegation of fraud, in fact, J.T. paid for M.T.'s sex reassignment surgery. 

M.T. was born a physically normal male, but felt as though she were a woman since at least age fourteen. The court noted that no one, to its knowledge, had tested M.T.'s chromosomes. She underwent full sex reassignment in 1971 and married J.T. one year later. 

In determining M.T.'s sex, the court noted that the sex reassignment surgery gave M.T. the physical appearance of a woman and that she was able to engage in heterosexual sex. 

After hearing testimony from several expert medical witnesses, the trial court found that M.T. was psychologically a female throughout her life and the sex reassignment surgery conformed her outward appearance to her psychological identity. M.T., therefore, was legally female at the time of the marriage. 

In affirming the trial court, the New Jersey Appellate Division held that a post-operative transsexual's genitalia and identity can be harmonized through medical treatment. In view of the fact that M.T. "has become physically and psychologically unified and fully capable of sexual activity," the court held she should be considered a woman for marital purposes. 

Unlike previous cases, the court recognized the change of sex from male to female by using a multi-factor test. The court did not rely solely on chromosomes or a pronouncement that sex is "fixed by the Creator at birth.' The court looked at all of the indicia of sex, including physical appearance and gender identity, and concluded that chromosomes were only a small part of the analysis.

II. EXTRAPOLATING THE CASE LAW 

A. Consequences for Marriage 

1. Impact on an Intersex Individual's Right to Marry 

Although there are no recent United States cases directly challenging the validity of a marriage involving an intersex person, the impact of decisions such as Littleton and In re Gardiner on intersex people is considerable. 

It is estimated that one in two thousand infants in the United States is affected by an intersex condition. Even more people may unknowingly have ambiguous chromosomes, that is, neither XX nor XY, but a different combination. After Littleton and others, a far greater number of people are excluded from marriage than originally anticipated.

Littleton purports to conform to Texas's ban on same-sex marriage, announcing that because the plaintiff presumably has XY chromosomes, she is male and cannot marry another male. Since intersex people either have both male and female or otherwise ambiguous physical characteristics, or they have chromosomes that are inconsistent with their physical characteristics, the question remains: Who may an intersex person legally marry? 

If a person was raised as a woman, has female external genitalia, but recently discovered that she has AIS and has XY chromosomes, would the Court of Appeals of Texas, Fourth Circuit, still deem this person a man? 

The court might say that this situation is distinguishable because this person was created this way and did not voluntarily undergo sex reassignment surgery. The court might also say her sex at birth was female because sex is determined by external genitalia at birth and, therefore, she is legally a female despite her chromosomes. 

If the latter is the case, the court is determining legal sex on the basis of physical characteristics at birth alone. 

The next issue that arises is classification of an intersex person who has 5-A-R D. For example, if a child was designated female at birth, but whose body masculinized at puberty, would a court deem this person a man because she has XY chromosomes?

Klinefelter Syndrome also poses a serious problem for courts because the individual appears physically male at birth, yet develops breasts during puberty. Would a court deem this person a man because male genitalia were present at birth even though there are XX chromosomes? Or does the presence of a Y chromosome make a person male? 

In these situations, the court may use physical sex at birth to determine the person's gender. Sex, however, is not always clear at birth. 

These questions will continue to surface if the courts continue to adjudicate gender. If marriage is a fundamental right, limited to opposite sex, or apparently heterosexual couples, classifying an intersex person becomes extremely important. 

The courts will have to define what constitutes an "opposite sex" couple in order to determine whether that couple may exercise their fundamental right to marry. The hypothetical case where a physical female discovers that her chromosomes are neither XX nor XY and she is not, therefore, in one of the two binary categories of male and female, illustrates the difficulty courts face in defining an "opposite sex" couple. 

Courts faced with this situation could find this person to be a woman if female genitalia were present at birth and she was raised as a female, regardless of her chromosomal make up. This is arguably incongruous with a court deciding that a person who identifies as a woman and has chosen to conform her external physical characteristics to that of a woman is not a woman because of her chromosomes. 

Yet the latter is what can be inferred from Littleton; that if a person has XY chromosomes, that person will be deemed a man for purposes of marriage, regardless of whether the person was raised a as a female. 

A person who is a combination of the binary characteristics may thus be entirely deprived of their fundamental right to marry because for whomever they choose, there is an argument that it is a same-sex marriage. Excluding an entire group of citizens from exercising their fundamental right to marry because they fail to conform to traditional definitions of "male" and "female" has no rational basis and serves no legitimate purpose. 

[I’m bolding this bit because I think it’s such a good argument:]

Excluding individuals classified as intersex from marriage would be unconstitutional because a group of people cannot legitimately be denied a fundamental right without a sufficiently important governmental interest. Since an intersex individual is a combination of male and female sex characteristics, that person could potentially marry either a man or a woman because, regardless of the sex of the partner, there is an argument that the couple is apparently heterosexual. 

If this person can marry either a man or a woman, then there seems to be no rational reason why others should be limited by their gender.

[It goes on to talk again about each of those court cases, and show how they all contradict each other in what they think defines a man or a woman. And to give examples of different ways that people who appear to be in same-sex couples would, under those court decisions, totally be legally allowed to be married. 

Which is kind of fascinating to me because I always thought that somebody should come up with some intersex and trans couples who would be interested in challenging these laws and totally destroying them this way. But as far as I know, nobody ever did. I didn’t know someone else was coming this close!]

B. Allowing Marriage Between Any Two People 

The restriction on marriage, limiting it to between two people of the opposite sex, has only created problems. The limitation forces courts into the business of determining a person's legal sex, sometimes regardless of how she identifies herself. The limitation has been narrowed further so that in some states it no longer means between one physical man and one physical woman, but only between a person with XY chromosomes and a person with XX chromosomes. 

This limitation forces courts or legislatures to define who is a "man" and "woman.” The courts are forced to place people into one of two categories even when the person does not seem to fit in either. Through this limitation on marriage judges and legislators are allowed to impose their own ideas of what a man or a woman should be onto society. 

This is not a decision that should be left to the courts to decide. If the government cannot unreasonably search one's home, prevent adults from obtaining contraception, or criminalize private, consensual, intimate conduct, then courts should not, in applying a state's marriage laws, be permitted to question the sex or gender of a person. 

Allowing them to do so only leads to extremely inconsistent and arbitrary results throughout the country. An intersex person has no viable option if courts simply decide that sex or gender is binary and act as the sole decision-makers, determining which individuals fall into each category. 

Imposing these categorical definitions on marriage, as the case law illustrates, is socially constructing gender to conform to the traditional view that men are masculine and woman are feminine under the guise of biology and chromosomes. 

The limitation on marriage effectively punishes those who cross gender boundaries. Accordingly, a court, despite Littleton, would probably find a woman who later finds out she has AIS and XY chromosomes to still be a woman, because she did not intentionally cross any gender boundary.  

This woman is not situated differently from the woman who has both male and female genitalia but identifies as a woman, or the psychological woman who was born with a penis but chose to change her physical body to conform to her psychological identity. 

To treat these women differently, allowing one "XY" woman to marry a genetic man and not the others, violates the Equal Protection Clause because similarly situated individuals are being singled out for disfavored treatment with respect to their fundamental right to marry. 

If courts remain involved in determining a person's gender, an intersex individual should be able to self-designate because the physical characteristics are ambiguous. This self-designation should be the determining factor. 

The only rational conclusion for an intersex individual is allowing her to marry either a man or a woman because her sex characteristics are ambiguous, and therefore, with either a man or a woman she could potentially be in an opposite sex couple. 

The only distinction between an intersex individual who is externally physically female, a male-to-female transsexual, and a lesbian is the chromosomal makeup. 

This distinction is arbitrary because many people do not know their exact chromosomal makeup or how a slight variation may or may not have an effect on their lives.  

It would be incredibly difficult, therefore, for a state to provide a sufficiently important interest to justify allowing one to marry a genetic female and not the others because all three couples would appear same-sex. Further, distinguishing the couples on the basis of their chromosomes would not be closely tailored. 

This chromosomal distinction is unreasonable and has no rational relationship to the purpose of the limitation on marriage. Allowing individuals the opportunity to marry whomever they choose would prevent unjust adjudication of sex and gender in marriage. 

Decisions such as Littleton and Gardiner demonstrate the illogical results that follow from a judicial determination of gender identity. Courts should not spend time weighing each indicator of sex in an attempt to classify individuals who may not be classifiable in the binary system and should not seek to change a person's identity, gender or otherwise. 

The logical conclusion, aside from denying any couple that does not fit the "XY" and "XX" model the right to marry, is to allow marriage between any two people.  Any two people who wish to marry should be able to do so.

[awkwarddezzy]

Ignite

Pairing: Dan x Phil

Genre: friendship, romance, slight angst

TW: swearing, mentions of alcohol

Word count: 7,494

Summary: Hawaii: the state everyone knows as paradise. For Dan Howell, the label is far from what his life is truly like. When Phil transfers to Dan’s high school from Manchester, the two boys instantly become friends. But will the revelation of Dan’s hidden past affect their budding friendship? Phan HS AU.

Hey ya’ll! This is technically my first fanfic posting of 2017, although I already had this written back in 2016. I mentioned a handful of times in tags for my shitposting that I wrote a Phan-inspired story as part of my short story portfolio for my creative writing class last semester. I submitted said story for possible publication at my college’s local journal, so cross your fingers with me that it’ll make the cut. I mean, can you imagine a phanfic legitimately bring published?

My professor absolutely loved the story. Even though it was over the word limit (she set it as 4,000), she told me she didn’t mind the word count as long as the plot was good. Needless to say, I got an A on it. Hell, when we had to type an analysis about our stories, I specifically mentioned being inspired by Dan and Phil and how homogenous relationships are often undermined in young adult literature.

I’m proud of this baby. Aside from character names (because I didn’t wanna plagiarize), this is nearly word for word of that story. I guarantee this is different than any phanfics ever to exist. One, because the setting is in Hawaii (our professor gave us extra credit if we tied our story to Hawaii in some way since I do go to a community college in Oahu). Two, to make it personal, I made my Dan-inspired character Filipino (because I’m Filipino myself) and kept my Phil-inspired character British. In short, this is my story using the YouTubers I had in mind while writing the story. It’s basically a high school AU, which I’m used to writing when it comes to AU’s.

I finally got around to posting this in light of Phil’s birthday. I CAN’T BELIEVE OUR BELOVED ANGEL BEAN IS FINALLY 30. *screams* He’s getting old. We’re getting old. Jesus Christ, Phil’s finally reached the age of parenthood. It’s only a matter of time when we see Phil Jr’s walking around England lol.

Now on with the story!

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

When people use fire as a metaphor for love, I roll my eyes and silently think these people are delirious. They think love is a burning passion they allow themselves to consume them completely. Or they think love is a spontaneous combustion when two pairs of eyes are caught in a lingering stare for the first time. But those are the fools talking. Those people are blind to what fire really means.

Fire is despising the source of its ignition.

Fire is a glow you believed had completely faded, yet still remained raging within you.

Fire is a curse and a traitor, yet also a blessing and a helping hand.

Fire is what makes me fluctuate between being a dreamer and a realist.

~:~

He’s a needle in a haystack with his raven hair, cerulean eyes, and pale skin. The cafeteria is swarming with incoherent conversations between students coming in and out of the stuffy building. I stand stock still, lunch tray in hand, debating whether or not I should go talk to him.

My feet move toward the boy with no hesitation. He stares intently at me when I place my lunch tray on the table’s wooden surface and sit on the benched seat across from him.

We remain silent for several seconds before I blurt out, “I like your shirt.” He’s wearing a white t-shirt embedded with lyrics from a Panic at the Disco song.

“You like PATD?” His voice carries a heavy British accent.

“One of my favorite bands.”

A corner of his mouth curves slightly upward. “What other bands are you into?”

“Ummm… Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, All Time Low, Breaking Benjamin, Muse-”

“Whoa there. What are you, some Asian clone of me?”

I chuckle. “No, but that would be pretty epic.”

He grins. “You’re the first person I’ve ever met who know Muse.”

Warmth seeps to my cheeks. “They’re one of the first bands I got into. I have a soft spot for their Origins of Symmetry album.”

“No way! That’s my favorite album too.”

I beam. Going to meet up with my friends doesn’t seem like a priority anymore. “So how come I’ve never seen you around?”

He picks up a carrot stick, dipping it into the blob of ranch dressing on the top right corner of his lunch tray, then taking a bite out of it. “I moved here from Manchester a couple weeks ago. You know, for a place where everyone want to vacation, it’s way different when you’re actually living there.”

“That’s paradise for ya. Tourists get beaches, fine accommodations, and hot hula girls. Locals get Pidgin, spam musubi, and a complex bus system.”

“I’m out of my element here.”

“You’ll learn to adjust.”

He finishes the rest of the carrot stick. “I’m Phillip by the way, but you can call me Phil.”

“Phil… got it.”

“Uh-huh. My entire first name makes me sound like a grandpa.”

I laugh. “You’re gonna be a grandpa someday anyway.”

“Hey, I’m still young! Lemme enjoy my teen years while I can.”

“Sure, Phillip.”

He sticks his tongue out to me playfully. “And what should I call you, Phil 2.0?”

“Well Mr. PATD, you can call me Dan. It’s short for Daniel.”

“Dan.” My name rolls off his lips in a way that sounds as if he has known me for years rather than a few minutes. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Perhaps the school year won’t be as boring as I thought it would be.

~:~

Sam, Louise, and PJ bombard Phil with questions when I introduce him to them after school that same day.

“What’s England like?”

“How do you like Oahu so far?”

“Have you tried a malasada yet?”

“What do you think about our school?”

“Why did you move here?”

“Have you ever met Emma Watson?”

“Guys! Geez, calm your tits.” I look toward Phil apologetically. “Sorry. We don’t get to meet a lot of new students who come from outside the island.”

“It’s okay.” Phil smiles shyly at my friends. “No one’s really tried to talk to me for more than two minutes till Dan approached me. I was afraid I’d be a loner for the entire year.”

PJ whistles. “Damn, Daniel. What happened to being antisocial?”

“I prefer the term introvert,” I retort.

“You haven’t made the first move in anything since you told Sam how you felt about her,” Louise says.

Phil glances between Sam and me. “You two are boyfriend and girlfriend?”

Sam loops her arm around my elbow, pressing her chest against the side of my body. “As of a couple weeks ago, yes.”

“I didn’t know that,” Phil says, giving me a scrutinizing gaze.

I rub the back of my head. “I thought it wasn’t important to mention until you got to meet my friends in person.”

“Ah.” He nods in understanding, but I detect a hint of a different emotion in his eyes. Disappointment? Disapproval? I internally shake my head. It’s probably my usual paranoia of students’ judgments whenever they see Sam and I together. Even though Sam has been my best friend for years, anyone outside my circle of friends haven’t fully comprehend why Sam prefers to be around PJ, Louise, and I. Her near flawless looks makes her more fitting for the popular crowd rather than the nerdy emo’s.

“Well then,” Louise chimes in, shoving my momentary doubts out of my head. “Who want to go to Starbucks?”

~:~

Phil gives me a tour of his house the weekend following the first week back to school. The moment I step inside the Lester residence, I’m astonished by how lively his home is compared to mine. There are houseplants in practically every corner of the house. Polaroid photos of his family are tacked to the walls of the living room. Upstairs, in Phil’s bedroom, he has various plushies littering the floor, a full-length poster of Sarah Michelle Geller on the wall behind his bed, and even a tiny cactus displayed on his bedside drawer. His twin-sized bed is covered with a green, blue, and purple checkered bedsheet, shades I think is fitting to his colorful personality.

“Sorry it’s a little messy in here,” Phil says. “I have a lot of stuff and my new room’s not as big as my old one in Manchester.”

“It’s fine. My room’s a bit messy too.”

He smiles, picking up a Totoro plushie and dropping it on his bed. “So what’s your flat like?”

“Flat?”

“Apartment.”

“Oh.” Reminder: start learning some British slang. “Not as great as yours. Roaches creeping on the floor at night. Shitty air conditioning. Noisy ass neighbors. At least my mom makes enough as a nurse to keep a roof over my head.”

“What about your dad?”

“He’s… gone.”

He frowns. “Sorry to hear that.”

I respond with a curt nod. “But you’re free to come over next weekend if you want.”

His frown disappears, morphing back to the smile that he wore earlier. “That’ll be great.”

If only you knew just how much I miss him, I think. And hate him at the same time.

~:~

There’s a paper bag from Bath and Body Works on Phil’s bedroom floor when I stay over at the Lesters on a Saturday night in mid-October. I’ve been spending most of the weekend so far doing homework and catching up with episodes of Attack on Titan and JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. Sam and Louise are busy rehearsing for a PowerPoint presentation for their Modern Hawaiian History class and PJ is helping his family prepare for his cousin’s debutante, so I’ve been spending the time outside of my apartment hanging out with Phil.

“What’s with the bag?” I ask.

“Oh this?” He picks up the paper bag and empties its contents, revealing three candles and a bottle of lotion. “Mum went to Pearlridge today, so I asked her to buy these for me.”

I scan over the candle labels: Pumpkin Spice, Apple Pie, and Marshmallow Fireside. “Never pegged you for a candle person.”

“It’s a thing that runs in my family.” He picks up one of the candles. “In their uni years, my dad confessed his feelings for my mum by spelling out ‘I love you’ with candles at a beach in Liverpool. Mum loved the gesture so much, and since then, Dad’s been getting her candles on every anniversary.”

“Your dad sounds like a complete romantic.”

He nods, placing the candle on his bed. “I think candles are an excellent representation of my parents’ marriage. Their love is a candle with a flame that’ll never die.”

“They must be really happy together.”

“Twenty years and still going strong.”

Bittersweet memories of my mom, dad, my 10-year-old brother Adrian, and me surface in my mind. Thanksgivings when my dad splurged on the turkey special from Golden Coin. Christmases when we woke up at 7 AM to open gifts while watching the Macy’s Christmas Day parade. Birthdays celebrated with dinners at Max’s Restaurant. Those days are a lifetime ago, days when I still looked forward to Sundays when Dad was off from work and gave me guitar lessons.

“Yeah…” Those days are a thing of the past. On the bright side, having an absent father taught me not to be naïve and fueled my appreciation for rock music.

As if sensing my distress, Phil says, “So… wanna play some Smash Bros?”

I grin. Crushing him in one of my video games is a healthy distraction I need from my vortex of childhood memories. “I’d be stupid not to.”

~:~

When Sam suggests for me to perform for the winter pep rally, the fears I buried when I started dating her crash through my mind like a wrecking ball.

“You’re kidding,” I say in a monotone voice. We’re on my bed, Sam laying down with her dyed dirty blonde hair fanned across my Pikachu pillow and me sitting cross-legged with my guitar settled on my lap. I was in the middle of playing “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol when Sam casually brought up the question.

“I’m not.” She moves into an upright position. “Think about it. Five minutes on stage with hundreds of students cheering your name. Phil, Peej, and Lou know how talented you are. Don’t you think it’s about time to let the entire school know too?”

“No.”

She sighs. “It’s your dad, isn’t it? Danny, just because your dad was a musician doesn’t mean you’ll make the same choices he did. Besides, if being at the center of attention isn’t for you, then the pep rally can be a one-time thing. Don’t let your potential go to waste.”

I bite the inside of my mouth. A part of me is itching to live out my dream of capturing people’s souls while I perform, but the other part of me is trembling at the thought of being in my dad’s shoes. Going through with this could open up a possibility of Sam and me splitting apart.

I can’t lose Sam. Even if she isn’t my girlfriend, I can’t imagine a future without her. The Earth can be a cruel planet; I can’t navigate through it without having someone who’s equally as confused about the world as I am by my side.

She curls her arms around my neck. “I know you’re scared, but can you do it for me? For one day, can I pretend to be your rock star girlfriend sitting in the audience as you play a song dedicated to me?”

“What song do you have in mind?”

“Hmmm… a song probably everyone knows, but still fits your style.”

“So… something from Ed Sheeran, Sam Smith, or Bruno Mars?”

“Yeah!” She stares at me with her puppy-dog eyes. “So will you do it?”

One pep rally won’t be the death of you. “I’ll… give it a shot.”

She squeals, peppering the side of my face with kisses. “Thank you thank you thank you! You’re gonna be great, Danny. Show those Mariah Carey wannabees that serenading isn’t dead yet.”

I laugh. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

~:~

Nerves rattle through my body when the student announcers call my name. The audience claps as I make my way onto the platform of the makeshift stage. Standing in front of the microphone stand with the Velcro strap holding my guitar against my abdomen, I position my fingers above the instrument’s strings. Looking out into the crowd, I spot Sam, Phil, PJ, and Louise grinning enthusiastically at me.

You’ll be fine. They’ll be proud of me no matter what happens.

I strum the opening notes of “Give Me Love” by Ed Sheeran. When I start to sing, my pre-performance jitters dissipates. I let my hands do the playing and the lyrics do the talking. I lose myself to the symphonious tune of the song, my heart beating rhythmically like a pendulum. Thoughts about my dad are knocked out of my head, replaced with a surge of joy as I think, Why didn’t I answer to the spotlight’s call sooner?

The gym fills with applause once my performance ends. My friends are on their feet, along with dozens of other juniors, upperclassmen, and even underclassmen.

I beam from ear to ear.

I’ve never felt so alive.

~:~

Hip-hop music pulsates across the spacious area of Chris Kendall’s house. Bodies grind on the open area of the living room where furniture was shoved aside to make room for a dance floor. Parties are definitely never on my agenda. I’m only here at Chris’s graduation party because PJ wanted to go for fun (it was an open invite), Sam and Louise wanted to go to have the full high school experience, and Phil wanted to see if a high school party in Hawaii is any different than the few he went to when he lived in England. Before my performance during the winter pep rally, I was someone that no one spared a second glance. Five months later and two more performances from the spring pep rally and junior prom under my belt, I get hellos from random students in-between class periods and invites to parties from popular students. So here I am, a red plastic cup filled with Pepsi in my hand (I have my values and know better than to take one sip of alcohol) while watching my friends dancing, breathing through my mouth to avoid sniffing the sickly scent of weed and cigarettes.

“Dan!” Phil stumbles out of the kitchen holding an empty Heineken bottle.

“Hey… Phil.” I finish the rest of my drink and toss the cup into one of the trash bags lying around next to the snack table. “You look like you’re having fun.”

“I am! Aren’t you?”

“If by watching people shamelessly doing things they might regret in the morning, sure.”

“Aw. Lighten up, mate!” His palm slaps the back of my shoulder. “Want me to get you a bottle?”

“I’ll pass… wait, how much have you had to drink?”

“Eh, couple bottles I think. Might go for a third.”

“No you aren’t.” I grab his wrist and drag him to the front door. When we’re outside, I lead him to the backyard. I don’t want to haul an intoxicated Phil back to his house. Perhaps some fresh air can sober him up.

I lay him down on his back on the grass, then sit down next to him. His mouth forms into a lazy smile.

“You look pretty, Dan.”

I laugh. “I’m not a girl, dude.”

“What a shame. You’d be my perfect Buffy.”

“You and your Buffy obsession.”

“Yeah… but I love you more than Buffy.”

My blood goes cold. He isn’t saying what I think he’s saying, is he?

Phil takes my silence as a sign for him to continue. “Why did I meet a perfect guy who’s taken? You’re so smart and talented and so good at video games. I had so much hope the first time we met that we could someday be something more, then I find out you have a girlfriend and I had to learn how to just be friends with an impossible dream.” He sighs. “Why did it have to be you I fell in love with?”

Suddenly, he takes a fistful of my shirt and yanks me down onto him. I fall on top of him, my face inches away from his.

“I… love you,” he mumbles before his eyelids flutter close.

I roll myself off from his body, then scramble to sit up and scoot away from him. Heat rushes to my face, my own body quivering from his words.

“Holy shit,” I whisper.

I touch my lips. He may not have kissed me, but his words feel like he did.

~:~ One week has passed since Chris’s party.

There’s no one I can tell about Phil’s drunk confession. He has no recollection of what he told me, and I have no clue if what he said is true. There’s a likelihood it isn’t. People can say all sorts of unpredictable things when they’re shitfaced drunk and not mean any of it.

Yeah right. No one says “I love you” to me without being serious.

“Fancy playing Mario Kart while we wait for the others?” Phil asks. We’re sitting on the sofa in my living room, waiting for Sam, Louise, and PJ to arrive. The five of us aren’t in the mood of going out today, so we planned a casual indoor hangout in my apartment.

“Sure,” I reply. “I’ll go get us some drinks.”

“Grab me an iced tea, yeah?”

I smile. After living in Oahu for nearly a year, Phil gradually got himself addicted to Hawaiian Sun drinks. “You’re in luck. Mom bought a fresh stock just for you.”

I leave Phil to peruse my video game collection under the TV stand and head to the kitchen. I open the refrigerator door and grab two cans of Hawaiian Sun: an Iced Tea for Phil and a Lilikoi for me. Carrying the cans back into the living room, I’m putting the two drinks on the coffee table when I hear three knocks on the door.

That bus ride was quick. I dash to the front door. Upon unlocking it, the face that greets me is one I least expect to see.

“Daniel.” The way he speaks my name has the familiar tenderness that would gravitate me into his arms when I was in elementary school. But hearing his voice now is a thousand needles stabbing at my heart all at once. My lungs shrivel at the pain scorching my chest.

I can’t breathe. My vision is blurring from months of pent-up resentment. Not knowing what to do, I back away and rush to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. I collapse on the floor and bury my fingers in my hair. This cannot be happening to me.

A few minutes later, I hear the door swing open.

“Mate!” Phil kneels down in front of me, his face contorted into a concerned expression. “You look like rubbish.”

“No shit.”

“That guy at the door told me he’s your father. Is it true?”

I remove my hands from my head. How he could be staying so goddamn calm? He should be furious at me for lying to him, not composed and acting like I didn’t drop a bomb on him.

“He is,” I whisper.

“You said he was gone.” “He was, but he may as well be dead to me.”

“Why? What did he do to you?”

I swallow my anger threatening to rise again. “He left me, alright? He left my family for some woman named Erica he met on the streets while we were on vacation for the summer in the Philippines when I was nine. They were contacting each other behind our backs after we left and Mom caught ‘em together at Ala Moana a year later when Erica came to visit him. Mom and Dad ended up getting divorced the summer before I was in 7th grade, just shy of my 12th birthday. He left for the Philippines afterward and he’s been living there with Erica since.”

Phil doesn’t immediately respond, just staring at me in shock. I use his silence to continue my rant.

“Music is important to me because of my dad. He played all sorts of gigs when he was my age, but gave up his musician dream so he could support my mom when she was pregnant with me. He taught me how to play a guitar and got me into rock music when he told me rock is music in its rawest form.” I direct my attention to the vinyl cover of Muse’s Origins of Symmetry album nailed next to the window. “Dad’s the reason why I love that album. He bought it for me on my 7th birthday. I listened to that record on repeat after the divorce and was what got me through the first few year without him.”

“And you hadn’t seen him since the divorce,” Phil concludes.

I shake my head. “He came once during the holidays when I was in 9th grade. I pretty much avoided talking to him the whole time.”

The wake of a wildfire is outside of my bedroom. He’s the cause of why my family is a mess. He chose another woman over us. How can I forgive the man who destroyed my picture-perfect family? How can I let go of the hurt I’m still feeling four years later?

“I don’t blame you for not telling me,” Phil says.

I turn my head to look at Phil, vulnerability running through my veins. “I’m a horrible person. I should’ve told you a long time ago, but I kept it a secret because I didn’t want you to know how crappy my life really is.”

“Again, not blaming you.” He drapes his arm across my shoulders. “I get that you felt betrayed by your dad, and nothing can erase the pain you still feel. But he’s out there right now. He flew whatever miles it is from the Philippines to Hawaii to see you. Nothing’s hunky-dory between you two, but you can still fix things with him. I saw how crushed he looked when you ran off on him like that. He wants to make things right. I’m not saying you should outright forgive him, but I think you should give him a second chance. Let him be a father to you while he still has healthy lungs and isn’t in a wheelchair.”

I look into his eyes, his blue orbs looking back at me with a softness that douses my anger away. As tension rolls off my shoulders, the memory of his drunk confession flashes through my mind.

“Why did it have to be you I fell in love with?”

Did Dad or Erica ever speak the exact same sentence to each other at one point in their relationship? What was it about Erica that drew my dad to him? How did Dad know he loved Erica more than my mom? I don’t know the answer to those questions. I don’t know why Mom didn’t fight for her right to remain as Dad’s wife. I don’t know how Erica’s family reacted when they learned about her relationship with a married man. I don’t know much about their relationship, other than how they met and how they loved each other to a point of sacrificing their family’s trust to be with each other.

The clarity hits me like a curveball.

Love is an emotion that can’t be tamed. It can blind us, be an intense slap to the face, hurt us in any way possible, but it can never leave us completely empty. It’s why I’m still affected by my dad’s choices. It’s why I still prefer rock over any other genre of music, even when it was Dad’s preferred music style. It’s why there’s still fire raging inside me whenever I think about Dad. I still love him amidst the ache he imprinted in my heart. It’s why, as I gaze into Phil’s vibrant eyes that always seem to contain a gentleness I usually don’t see in males, I finally understand what I’ve been fearing all along. I wasn’t afraid of thinking about the past and making the same wrong choices as my dad; I was afraid of listening to the other side of a story and discovering things that may have been right in front of me all along.

“Go talk to him,” he murmurs, drawing his arm away from me. The loss of his friendly touch leaves a dull ache in my chest.

It’s time to face the music.

“Mind if you come with me?”

“Of course. Did you think I was planning to let you face him alone?”

Fireflies stir in my stomach. Once I deal with the person outside this room, I’ll think about what these fireflies mean. I don’t know why the fireflies popped up unexpectedly, but I sort of like it.

Phil helps me stand, staying close to me as I open the door. We walk into the living room, where I find Dad sitting on the sofa. I take a deep breath, my hand taking purchase on Phil’s arm. His presence is my gravity, helping me to control negativity in my emotions. If I’m going to make an effort to patch things up, I can’t go berserk if I feel the slightest agitation.

“Dad?”

I hear his breath hitch when he turns his head to the direction of my voice. Same dark chocolate eyes. Same unruly brunette hair. Same mole marked on the ridge of his nose. I’m looking at an older version of myself, albeit as someone wiser that has seen more of the world. That, and I can’t stand my natural messy hair. I can’t leave the house without using my hair straightener.

“Anak,” he says softly.

The fireflies glow for a brief second.

“It’s okay,” Phil whispers. “He’s not going to hurt you.”

Dad glances toward Phil. “This is your friend, right?”

Phil gives an awkward wave at Dad. “Hi. Sorry I didn’t properly introduce myself earlier. I’m Phillip, Phil for short.”

“Phil … it’s nice to meet you.”

“Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mr. Howell.”

I can’t help the low chuckle that escapes my lips. “This isn’t Pride and Prejudice, dude.”

Phil laughs. “What? This is a momentous occasion, Dan. This is more nerve-wracking than making a first impression to my girlfriend’s parents.”

“You never even had a girlfriend.”

“I will one day.”

For some reason, I’m a bit upset by his response. So did his drunk confession mean nothing? Or is he making an Oscar-worthy ruse to cover up his feelings? My effort to analyze his emotions is only confusing me further.

Dad clears his throat. Right. Dad first, Phil later.

“Anyway-” I say, “Dad, what are you doing here all of a sudden? If you’re looking for Mom, she won’t be home from work till around six.”

“I’m aware of that. I actually wanted to talk to you first, if it’s okay,” Dad replies.

“Fine, but Phil stays with us.”

“I see no problem with that.”

Phil and I make our way over to the sofa, my hand still on Phil’s arm. Dad moves to give us room, leaving me to sit in the middle so Dad is to my left and Phil is to my right.

“Where’s Erica?” I begin.

Dad shakes his head. “I asked her to come, but she thought it would be best for me to be here alone.”

“How long will you stay?”

“A week, two weeks at the most.”

“Dad…” I move my hand from Phil’s arm to his jean-covered thigh. “Ummm… this might sound out of the blue, but how did you know you were in love with Erica?”

“Oh… to be honest, Jessica was the reason why,” he tells me sheepishly.

“Mom?” I say incredulously. “But… how?”

He smiles, leaning back on the sofa. “In many ways, Erica is a lot like your mother. She put her studies first, cared about her family more than anything else, and worked hard to give herself a good future. She became an attorney to provide for her family, and she cherishes her job so much, though she told me more than once she felt she was missing something from her life. She didn’t know what it was until she reunited with her childhood friend.”

“Who was that?”

“Your mother.”

“Wait… what? I thought Mom and Erica were strangers until you got together with Erica.”

“Your mother and I only said that because we thought you weren’t ready for the truth.”

“Dad! I was 11! I watched enough episodes of Maalala Mo Kaya to know what reality is about.”

He looks at me forlornly. “I know that now, anak. I’m sorry.”

I sigh. “I’m turning 17 next week. Whatever secret you’re keeping from me, I wanna hear it.”

He nods. The story he tells me drastically alters my perspective of Dad.

Mom and Erica knew each other because they were best friends when they were kids and lost touch with each other after Mom immigrated from Cebu to Honolulu when she was eight.

Dad courted Erica in high school. When he got accepted into an exchange program for the University of Hawaii in Manoa, he made a promise with Erica to go on a date with her once he graduated from college and moved back home.

During his third year at UH Manoa, he met Mom during an open mic night at a bar in Waikiki. Mom was in UH Manoa’s nursing program and skipped a night of studying to hang out with her friends at the bar that Dad had his gig at.

Mom and Dad became friends, which gradually turned into love.

Dad was guilty about breaking his promise to Erica, but Erica understood and she wished the best for him and Mom.

Parenthood treated Mom and Dad well when they had me and Adrian.

Then came the Philippine vacation.

Dad hadn’t communicated with Erica since he told her about his relationship with Mom, so he was surprised when he bumped into her at a Chow King restaurant while buying lunch for Mom, Adrian, and me. They exchanged phone numbers and used long-distance phone-lines for communication over the course of a year, where they found themselves revisiting their past and falling in love with each other all over again.

During winter break of my 5th grade year, Erica lied to her parents about wanting to spend Christmas and New Years with a friend in America so she could see Dad, even if it was just for a few days and a majority of her time would be spent cooped up in her hotel room at Ala Moana Hotel. On that fateful day when Mom saw Dad and Erica together, she was at Ala Moana Shopping Center to do some last-minute shopping while she supposedly thought Dad was helping my Tito Kevin pick out a gift for my Aunt Elizabeth. As soon as Mom exited from Macy’s, she witnessed Dad and Erica holding hands while sitting at one of the tables outside the neighboring Starbucks. Erica saw Mom and that was when all hell broke loose. Mom tried not to cause a scene at Ala Moana, but she had a crying fit when she learned that Dad’s mistress and her childhood friend, Erica Bautista, were the same woman.

That night, when I overheard my parents arguing but Mom told us she and Dad were disagreeing on something about bills, it was really about Mom’s reaction to finding out about the affair.

For months, they kept the issue a secret from Adrian and me. Mom swallowed her pride, staying in the sidelines as she encouraged Dad to go after his true love. The issue loomed like a raincloud over their heads once Dad chose Erica over Mom, and that raincloud lingered until Mom and Dad finally told me about Erica and their mutual decision to file for divorce.

Unfortunately, that raincloud only transferred over me, towering over my own head and remaining there to this day.

“Damn” is all I can say when Dad finishes speaking.

The pieces are coming together.

It was never supposed to be Mom and Dad.

If Dad never met Mom, it would have been Dad and Erica.

It’s a classic case of how wrong timing can affect even the strongest of relationships.

“Fucking hell,” Phil breathes. Hearing him swear surprises me. He rarely swears, and when he does, it’s when he’s incredibly emotional about something.

“I didn’t tell you this because I thought you might dislike Erica more if I told you the truth,” Dad tells me.

Everything coming out of Dad’s mouth sheds more authenticity to the entire situation. All this time, Dad was never at fault. It wasn’t his fault that Mom was an intervention who prevented him from keeping his promise to Erica. It wasn’t his fault for reaching a point where he had to choose between his wife and kids over a woman his heart subconsciously still yearned for. It wasn’t his fault for allowing his heart to direct him down a path that led him to hurt those he cared about. Everything happens for a reason, and it’s the reason why I’m existing in the first place. If his life went according to plan, I wouldn’t have ever taken my first breath in this world.

Love isn’t always kind. It isn’t an easy stroll through the park or a cookie to steal from a cookie jar. It’s having to pay 75 cents for a gumball from one of those machines in supermarkets or trying to find parking during Black Friday at any mall. Love always comes with a price. For Dad, the price for his happiness with one woman is the trust he has from those he loves the most.

“That was a possibility,” I say. “Or I could’ve appreciated her role in your life. We’ll never know. Either way, it wouldn’t have changed how much you love Erica.”

Dad nods in agreement. “Erica hasn’t changed how much I love you, Adrian, and your Mom. It was wrong of me to leave you how I did, but I’m here to right my wrong.”

The fire in my chest blazes more furiously than it ever has before. Flames send the fireflies in my stomach glimmering in a flurry of excitement, sending my emotions in a tailspin.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been a good father ever since I moved to the Philippines,” Dad continues. “It wasn’t my intention for you to think I didn’t care about you anymore, but it was my way to give you space. You were angry at me, and I believed distance was the solution to ease your anger. When you refused to speak to me when I spent Christmas with you on your first year of high school, I realized the distance led you to resent me more. I don’t want to hurt you anymore, anak. I’m tired of being away from you. My life may be in the Philippines, but my heart belongs here with our family.”

My insides melt. These are the words I longed to hear Dad say. I’d be a fool if I ignored my subconscious whispering how I should stop being hostile and allow my dad to make up for lost time.

“Did you steal that line from a Justin Bieber song?” I joke.

Hope swims in Dad’s eyes. “So you forgive me?”

“Not… exactly,” I answer hesitantly. “But we have two weeks. We can go around the island like we used to.”

I’m not looking at the enemy anymore. For the first time in years, I’m looking at my idol, the man who rooted my dedication to music, the greatest hero I’ve ever known.

A smile cracks on Dad’s face. “Your old man is looking forward to that.”

~:~

Summers brings goodbyes, hope, and refreshing starts. Four years ago, summer was bidding a reluctant farewell to the perfect family I had. One year ago, summer was sharing my first kiss with a girl who meant more to me than my best friend. This summer, a new chapter with a man I granted a second shot at redemption opened up, and an opportunity to follow my heart like every protagonist in a cheesy YA novel is ushering in a wave of anticipation of what the vast unknown will bring.

The sky is enveloped by a murky blanket of gleaming stars and a moon illuminating the night. Sitting cross-legged on the rooftop of my apartment complex, I fish out another roll of Smarties from my jacket pocket. I unravel the plastic packaging and shove pieces of the colorful candy into my mouth, savoring its sweet, tangy mixture. Aside from the occasional car zooming along the streets at midnight, I relish the relative silence. My mind is still reeling over all the things that occurred since Dad showed up at the front door of my apartment.

The two weeks that Dad was here was a hodgepodge of family beach trips and father-son visits to various music stores around the island. He shared tales of his life with Erica in Manila, and in return, I shared my memories about Sam and my friends over the last four years. Those two weeks were us being mismatched pieces slowly fusing together to create the complete puzzle, with several holes that are yet to be filled. By the time he flew back to the Philippines, I was closer to the point of one hundred percent forgiving him. It’ll take me months before I can truly move on from the past, but I’m getting there. Time will tell when that day will come.

After Dad left, I took the time to figure out my feelings for Sam and Phil. Before I met Phil, I thought Sam was my endgame. I saw a future with her after high school. I visualized the two of us moving in together, having a beachside wedding, honeymooning in Paris, and raising our kids with our brown or black hair and brown eyes. But after Chris’s party and the long conversation I had with Dad, I questioned where my heart belonged. Sam was everything a boy could ever want for a girlfriend, someone who Mom was ecstatic about someday watching me say “I do” to, someone who filled that empty void when Dad left. Phil, on the other hand, was everything I never knew existed as an option for me, someone who enamored me since day one and opened up parts of me that I never showed to anyone aside from Sam, PJ, and Louise, someone who was the reason why I willingly mended my relationship with Dad.

I was confused. Do I choose safety with the anchor that has always kept me grounded, or do I choose happiness with the candle who sparked an incandescence within me that not even Sam or my friends were able to light up?

A few hours ago, on a park bench with the sun dipping down in the horizon, I broke up with Sam. It was a difficult choice that I nearly backed down from doing, but it was one Dad would be proud of me for doing. Being in a position of dumping my girlfriend made me understand why it was hard for Dad to divorce Mom. True love isn’t measured by years or the number of people that approve of the relationship; true love is the person who makes your heartbeat stutter and makes you smile to any love song that plays on the radio, no matter how cliché the lyrics are. Love is the fire that ignites your soul and what makes you the best person you can be.

Despite the tears that were shed, Sam understood. In fact, she had a hunch that Phil harbored feelings for me. She knew it was a matter of time before I caught on and braced herself for the feasible day where I could return his feelings. Following a friendly hug, we left the park knowing that even though we aren’t a couple anymore, our friendship will never fade. We’ve always been there for each other; we won’t let our breakup drive a wedge between us.

“Dan?”

I turn around. Phil stands behind me, his ruffled raven hair reflected under the moonlight and his blue irises flickering with uncertainty. We’re heading back to school next week, so my friends and I are spending our last few days of summer break with a weekend-long sleepover in my apartment.

“Yo.”

“Mind if I sit with you?”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

He nods, then moves to sit directly across from me, mirroring my sitting position.

“Couldn’t sleep?” he asks.

I chew the remaining chunks of Smarties in my mouth and swallow. “How can I? We’re seniors. We have one more year in high school before we’re thrust into adulthood and we’re little fishes trying to swim away from huge-ass sharks. Not that I’m ready to grow up, but my teen years are moving way too quick and I need time to slow down just a bit.”

He chuckles. “True. I’m not ready for senioritis to bite me in the bum yet. But I think that’s not what you’re really worried about.”

“What makes you say that?”

“You have a few candy wrappers next to you. You don’t binge-eat sweets unless you’re thinking really hard about something.”

He’s right. My sweet tooth is my version of stress-eating.

“You’re not wrong,” I say. “Truth is, you’re kinda the reason why I’m this close to getting a cavity.”

“How come?”

“Well… how else do you cope with realizing you love someone who’s so close yet so far beyond your grasp?”

“What? Dan, what Shojo anime have you been watching lately?”

“None. I just… God, I’ll just say it. I like you, Phil. I really, really like you and I might even love you, but I don’t know if I do yet ‘cause it’s too soon to tell.” I bend my legs so my knees are curled to my chest and my chin is on my kneecaps. “Fate is so screwed up. I shouldn’t be feeling this way, but I do. You’re strangely interesting and you get me so well. You’re the ying to my yang. You complete me, and I can’t live with the idea of seeing you with someone else. It’s so selfish of me since I already had Sam, but there’s something about you that wants you more than a friend. And… yeah.”

He blinks. “Whoa.”

“I know. Now let me down easy so we can forget I said any of that and I can start dealing with rejection.”

“Rejection? Dan, what are you, blind? I’ve loved you the moment you approached me and said, and I quote ‘I like your shirt.’”

“You still remember that?”

“How can I? It was love at first sight.”

“Love at first sight? This isn’t the 19th century.”

“Not according to the swiping on Tinder.”

I laugh. Being with Phil is easy. He’s carefree and doesn’t mind my wit. Even Sam has her occasions of being offended by my snark.

“I’m serious though. I do love you.” He leans closer, his hand reaching out to rest on top of mine. “I love how you can speak like a wise old philosopher. I don’t know how I went most of my life without you, because you’re what I was missing out on all this time. You came into my life with a purpose. I don’t know what I did to deserve you as a friend, but whatever it is, having you around made my life so much better.”

I look down at our entwined fingers. Holding his hand is comforting, a gesture that should be so wrong yet feels so right. This is what tadhana is. Destiny works in mysterious ways. As our fingers entwine, I’m reminded by how touching him soothed me when I spoke to Dad. He was my gravity then, and he’s my gravity now. The gravity is a force that’s much more powerful than I foresaw.

“Are you sure about this?” I murmur. “I’ve already hurt Sam. I don’t want to hurt you too if this doesn’t work out.”

“It will.” His eyes sharpen with conviction. “I won’t let anyone ruin what we have. Even if the universe hates what we are, I won’t ever hate you.” He releases my hands and maneuvers them to caress my cheeks. “I love you, Dan.”

I nod. Someday, I’ll be able to repeat those three words back to him.

Because when our lips meet and my stomach is churning with gentle waves, I’m certain that what Phil and I have is a fire that’ll never be extinguished.

What we have is real and here to stay.

~*~ ~*~ ~*~

For any of you that read any of my former phanfics, I used a few lines from The Story of Us and Don’t You Wonder. I couldn’t resist using my one-liners while I wrote this.

Anak means “my son/daughter” and tadhana means “destiny.” I can’t speak Filipino fluently, but I do understand some of the language.

Maalala Mo Kaya is an ongoing Filipino TV series that showcases real-life stories of celebrities and average people like us. Dan’s family background was highly inspired by numerous eps I watched of MMK involving broken families.

Hope ya’ll enjoyed this! I had fun incorporating aspects of the “local” life in Hawaii, especially since the release of Pokemon Sun and Moon. If you haven’t tried a malasada, you should. There’s a reason why Hau loves ‘em. Don’t give spam such a hard time, because I eat spam musubi’s often and they’re delicious. And the bus system? Trust me, if you aren’t sure familiar with public transportation involving the bus system, you’re easily gonna get lost. Heaven knows how many tourists I witnessed questioning what bus to catch. Hell, even a local like me sometimes has to consult Google Maps to figure out what bus to ride.

Originally, I approached this story with a love triangle angle, but it was my professor who recommended I should try focusing on a father-son relationship instead. Best decision ever, because writing the story that way felt way more real.

~ AA

[blackdogpanopticon]

“Just keep pedalling”//30 Things to do before you’re 31.

So to use a cliche, its been a while. But that’s OK. I thought about starting a new blog. And then I started to think.

I like this blog. That might sound basic, but its true. Its the first one that I managed to keep up with. I like some of the previous content, topics and themes. And essentially, the stuff I want to talk about is still the same. So rather than scratching it out, I feel like its better that I continue.

This is the point where I might say, “a lot has happened in 6 months since I last blogged”. But I don’t feel like that’s true! But that’s OK. I suppose its has, but not massively. I feel like I know myself better than I did this time last year.

I feel more independent. I still feel like I have a long way to go however.

Today I went for a cycle up to Otley, which is were the picture is from below;  in between Otley and Leeds. Cycling can be a funny one. I love it. I love riding my new bike. The freedom is amazing. But I find that the bits you think you are gonna enjoy the most don’t always end up being the most enjoyable parts in reality. Often just getting started (the beginning bit), when you should technically be at your freshest, I find hard and trying! Pushing yourself up a massive hill, should technically be murder; but I usually love it. While there is no denying that going down the other side at full pelt is a wicked giggle, I can never quite shake that feeling of free falling or being out of control so that I can enjoy it fully.

Whenever I go cycling with my brother, he always says; “just keep pedalling!”. I think mainly this is because he is super fit and I’m not (!), but I think also a tiny bit because this is how he runs//lives his life. He is always moving, always doing some new, always trying to challenge himself. And I am not trying to second guess him, because this works for him and to be fair, when it comes to cycling, this is basically the right attitude! But I personally feel that cycling to me, isn’t just about keeping the pedals moving, and I don’t think life is either. Its about pointing yourself in the right direction, enjoying the scenery, taking in the moment with the people around you et cetera, et cetera. 

In life you meet people that push you and that challenge you. You also meet people that are just there for you. Sometimes I find it helps to think about what your relationships with your friends do for you. That extra level of analysis can often take your relationships to a deeper level. Equally its important to just enjoy the moment. That’s why cycling on your own is great; you can be in the moment or far away thinking about stuff, as long as you dodge the traffic..

One of my friends, and current house mate, recently gave me a birthday present that amongst other things, had a range of suggested “things to do before you turn 31″ (because I am 30 now don’t you know!) all written out on jumbo lolly pop sticks! Super thoughtful right? 

Its pretty much perfect for where I am now. People always say that, “you have to be passionate about something right?” [think I have been using Tinder to much]. And whilst I do have stuff that I am passionate about like music, cycling, reading yadayadayah, none of these things have really changed or developed in the last what, 10 years? So I think right now I basically need to try some new things so that I can keep moving and developing.

I am moving into my own place this week and its unfurnished. Scary right? I think half of the thinking behind this was that I have always wanted to have a go at making some stuff for myself and learning to do a bit of DIY. So over the next few months I am going to have a go at making some furniture for myself and some other bits and bobs. I am excited. I’ll keep ya posted.

[chetdurack3823-blog]

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