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notademon10 · 2 months

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CRACK THEORY: KRIS=FRISK ACTUALLY MAKES SENSE?

The ultimate "Krisk" theory.

This is an admitetly ambicious theory that not only proposes that Kris is the Deltarune version of Frisk, but theorizes on it's implications. This means I'll be trying to solve a lot of things that might end up connecting to this, whether you see it coming or not. In other words: I'll put quite a few seemingly unrelated pieces together, and the result might just end up being something you won't like. You have been warned. That being said, I want to be as thematically coherent as possible with these games, which is something I THINK some people miss.

PART I. WHO AND WHAT IS FRISK LIKE

First off, Frisk is likely a pacifist. Their armor, the bandage, is usless except for the fact that it heals you, as well as secretly guaranteeing escape if you flee on the first turn. That's not even mentioning that Frisk is most determined in true paz, (as well as they ONLY ever smile when choosing options that relate to this route) PLUS the mirror at the end saying "Still just you, Frisk". Their weapon is the stick, which doesn't do ANYTHING at all, except sometimes being super helpful for acting in some scpecific fights. But the most damning peace of evidence comes from their soul color. We actually DO know what it stands for! Papyrus HEAVLY implies in a phonecall in elevator L3 from Hotland that it's actually... LOVE! Thus, this means that they MUST link to this concept, including their armor, and everything points towards normal Love, not, you know, L.O.V.E.

This ALSO explains WHY there are 2 red soul humans in Undertale! One represents Love, the pacifist route, and the other the genocide route, with Violence. I mean, Chara explained that THEY were the feeling of seeing numbers increase. ATK, DF, and of course, LV. To add to this, the mirror in geno says: "It's me, Chara".

A VERY important thing to mention is the RED description in Ballgame: Try as you might, but you continue to be yourself. This differenciates Frisk and Chara from Flowey as they are very true to themselves, while he changed due to the absence of "LOVE", of Chara. I actually believe that every main monster represents a lack of a certain human trait, but that's for another day.

So... Is Frisk Chara? Or some sort of combination of them and a monster, like Asriel? What I've just said is confusing, but it does have a precedent. There's a video made by Sock Muppet titled "Who are you?" that explains this much further, and the main argument for it is that in order for Frisk to exit the barrier, they must have two souls: a monster soul and a human soul.

Unfortunatly, I believe it is debunkable, because even if you believe that Frisk "the fusion" is it's own entity separate from Chara in a weird way, Asriel asks "Why did you climb the mountain?", which is something that only Chara did, so you would still have to accept that these two humans are the same, even on a thematic level, which contradicts Asriel's line "Frisk, you really ARE different from Chara. I don't know why I ever acted like you were the same person. The truth is, Chara wan't really the greatest person. While you, Frisk, are the type of friend I wish I always had."

A much better explanation for why Frisk could have exited the barrier is because they had the determination of two human souls, theirs, and OURS. After all, the legends of localitation book confirms that it is OUR determination that lets us use the save and load ability, while Frisk is just along for the ride.

PART II. WHY DID THEY CLIMB THE MOUNTAIN?

I swear this is critical.

Well, I believe we DO know why. In Snowdrakes battle, there's a 1/6 chance of you saying "Nobody will ever love for the way you are". It's harsh, and very clearly projection, but from who? You see, there is evidence of Chara acting on their own on normal routes, like when you tell dirty jokes to Joshua all of them link back to Chara's story: "two kids playing in the mud", "a kid sleeping in the soil" and "a kid who ate pie with their bare hands". So who's it actually saying this, Frisk or Chara? I believe it applies to them BOTH. As it is THE reason they fell down the mountain. Let me explain. We know this MUST be the MAIN problem they have with themselves because love is LITERALLY their MAIN trait. But how do I know it applies to them both? Well, given how Frisk and Chara are foils to each other, then their reasons for coming down must be parallel or linked in some way. After all, it would be odd if only ONE of them fell down because of a lack of love, and not the other, especially when BOTH of them seem to have been neglected.

However.. there is also the fact that Clam girl tells us why Frisk fell down here. "In the grand scheme of things, Suzy might be the reason why you came here". However, it is literally impossible for them to KNOW about her, as she is literally a monster underground. So I think we should look at this situation more metaphorically. How does she tie into Frisk's reason to climb the underground?

"Nobody will ever love you the way you are."

The only way I can connect this to her is if she IS that "nobody". Or better said, the somebody that will love them for the way they are. There's just a little problem with this... Every monster ends up loving them the way Frisk really is in True paz, the only route in which they can properly meet Suzy. Even Asriel makes a point about how they love Frisk almost instantly.

Again we need to think. In which way would Suzy love Frisk?

Platonically: Every monster already does that.

In a familial way: Asgore, Toriel and debatibly Asriel already do that.

There's only one option left. And that is... One that I'm sure you won't like, but I feel obligated to suggest regardless. I understand if you don't like this idea, and that the connection between them is just multiversal.

But.

Asriel implies the reason behind Frisk falling is a much more mundane, sadder reality. His facial expression and tone is enough. And, with the whole destiny and fate theme taken into account, I believe there is a good argument to make that Suzy might just end up loving Frisk romantically. However, I haven't really "proven" Frisk is Kris yet, so there's one thing I want to discuss: Sans.

PART III. SANDS DELTAROON???

So Sans and Papyrus are from Deltarune. This has been covered to death by other people. While Papyrus is a bit more dubious, his recent QnAs basically confirm this.

The thing is if Sans is from DR, then he has experienced events that haven't happened yet. So it's entirely possible that he coulf be a useful tool in helping us know what those events could be. And I think we can. Because there are two things that don't sit with me right: his hatred of promises, and you. Let's start with his hatred for us. It can't be that he hates humanity like the rest of the underground, as he is from a universe in which humans and monsters seem to get along just fine. There could still be differences, but racism would be seen pretty much exactly like in our world. So then, is he aware of the player? Or is it something else?

To understand exactly what he hates about us, the best place to look is his infamous genocide dialogue.

"listen. i know you didn't answer me before but... somewhere in there, i can feel it. there's a glimmer of a good person inside of you. the memory of someone who once wanted to do the right thing. someone who, in another time, might have even been... a friend? c'mon buddy. do you remember me? please, if you're listening... let's forget all this, ok?"

This dialogue ocurres even if this is your first playthrough. So, I have a question for you. What could he be possibly referring to? What glimmer, what MEMORY is he feeling? But if course, that entire speech could literally just be him bluffing, right?

The thing is, he's REALLY fucking good at reading Frisk's expressions, do he SHOULD know whether or not "we" remember Sans, and were even friends with him. But, there's just a LITTLE problem with this.

How COULD Frisk remember Sans in our first playthrough?

...Well, here's the thing, they DON'T!

Because the memory he's feeling is HIS.

And who does he remember?

Who did he not forget, because he made a promise in his heart?

Three very specific people. The three Delta Warriors.

So! Kris is Frisk, right??

...Well, here's the thing: Kris might not be the human hero, because of this:

And also this:

The human hero is simply called "Human", which could only make sense if, at the very least on one route, Kris isn't the hero. Who then, could it be? Well, if the lack of facial features didn't give it away, it's the vessel, Kris' parallel. So WHO is the vessel, then? Well, I believe it is none other than the Deltarune version of Chara!

PART IV. CHARA IS THE VESSEL??

At the end of geno, they want us to eradicate the UT world, and move on the next world. This is very clearly a metaphor for us completionists to completly consume the next game. It just so happens that the next game we play could very well be Deltarune.

...no, this isn't all of it. Because the second time you do the route, their dialogue changes and reveals some interesting things.

"Greetings.

I am Chara.

The demon that comes when people call it's name.

It doesn't matter when, it doesn't matter where

Time after time, I will appear.

And with your help.

We will eradicate the enemy and become strong.

Every time a number increases, that feeling...

That's me."

I have one simple question: what was Chara reffering when they said it didn't matter when, or where?

It couldn't be because we sold our SOUL to Chara, because while the one we gave them did belong to us, it was Frisk's SOUL. There's not really any other explanation for this happening, as they only really possess it in the ending, when the player has stopped playing. Chara's possession wouldn't be meaningful in any way if their time in Frisk's body corresponded to the player's playtime.

So... How could they be everywhere as well as well as be anytime??

This is going to sound farfetched, but I have no other option:

Either Chara's SOUL was somehow shattered across time and space along with Gaster, and/or Chara is talking about other worlds, atleast the Deltarune one.

All of this to say... You call Chara at the very beggining of Deltarune, or at the very least... You can. Because not only can you name yourself or the vessel "Chara", you can name yourselves whatever way you originally named them as.

... But, you end up naming two people: the vessel and it's creator. So who IS Chara?

I believe it is the vessel. Simply put, the name that the casual player is going to give them is probably like any other protagonist, or in the very specific case of UT, the first fallen human. While the name they're going to give the creator is going to THEIR name. And I mean, if both the vessel and creator were characters, then naming them in a sense would be calling two different Charas. While if only the vessel is a character, while the creator is US, you would only be calling one Chara, while the creator would just be you, since you wouldn't be calling anyone else, just yourself.

On the toic on whatever you're supposed to call Chara, Toby Fox said "Your name, if you can't think of anything else lol". But when asked on twitter if naming Chara after their cat would be ok, which he said that it would ALSO work.

I think "your name" could be referring to the name you put yourself when you play any game, really. Kind of like "notademon" is my username on this site, but obviously is not my name.

I also have one last trick up my sleeve. Remember the unused human? You can see them as Frisk's reflection in waterfall, if you activate debug mode. At first, I thought it was just a beta version of Chara.. but they appear in a reflection in waterfall. And by then, Chara had already one single stripe. After all, their design had originated when Temmie had accidentally drawn a single stripe on Frisk!

What I'm trying to say is that the unused human could never have been implemented in tge actual game, as Frisk and Chara already have their design. Which means that the unused human might just be a teaser for Deltarune. So who could they end up being?

Given how it's Frisk's reflection, they must parallel each other in some way.

Well, this really only leaves either the vessel or Kris. And given how Kris' skin is completly different to the one our mystery character posseses, this really only leaves one other character: the vessel.

But wait... If I'm saying the vessel is the unused huma, as well as Chara... Then that means the unused human IS Chara too??? But their skin and hair is completly different!!

Yeah, and that's because Chara in geno, looks like someone who either lacks ANY sunlight, or just a corpse. My theory is that Chara, before dying, looked similarly to the unuswd human, but with cheeks also there. Why aren't the supposed DR Chara's cheeks visible? Well, why isn't their mouth visible? Even Kris has their mouth visible. It's almost like they don't have any facial features... Like the vessel, their goner version!

And what name does the unused human have in the files? CHARA. However, Frisk is named mainchara in the files, so the "Chara" here could very easily be short for character, so it isn't as decisive as it may seem.

On how did Chara manage to become a goner I am completly unaware. There are so many things we don't know about and this post is already getting long enough as is so I'll save it for another day. Maybe.

But now that I may or may not have uncovered the vessel's secret identity, this really only leaves one person who the alternate iteration of Frisk could possibly be: Kris!

PART V. KRIS IS FRISK!

I'd start with the fact that they share the same hair color and shin color, but everyone already knows that. How about some other things instead.

Pianpian is the name of the song that plays in the hidden Kris dreemurr page. It's... An interesting name, because Pian is an anagram for pain, but also piano without the letter o. Which is EXACTLY how you get from Frisk to Kris, as Kris is just an anagram of Frisk without the letter F.

Second, while it may seem difficult to know what Kris' morals are at first hand, I think a very important piece of evidence is their relationship with Susie, because they very clearly love her. This isn't just me pulling my shipper headcannons, there's actually a lot of in-game evidence that's actually quite solid.

...Again, read my posts on this topic.

But what does this have to do with Frisk? Well, everything! Because the way Kris deals with Susie is the way players are encouraged to do the pacifist route, but to an extent where it's flaws are shown. While you CAN fight most monsters until they spare you, this won't get you the yellow, happier descriptions in the credits of UT. Players are encouraged to ACT, instead. Kris, for whatever reason, remains quiet as to not alert their mother and punish, or perhaps even expel her. However, when they do ACT in new girl, they do it in a very flirty and natural way, very similar to how Frisk acts in UT. The reason I say this is flawed is becuase if this took place in the real world, they should have told Toriel about the situation, because if they didn't, Susie wouldn't have changed. Asriel even tells Frisk about this: "Not everything can be resolved by being nice."

...What I'm trying to say is, Kris wouldn't be this interested in Susie if they were a hateful person.

Other things:

When you lecture Ruddin, Kris will talk about the importance of kindness.

Both Frisk and Kris can play the piano.

Kris is a natural flirter, as seen with Head Hathy.

Kris in the entire weird route is stated to be very different as to how they actually are.

They wear a bandage and a pencil, almost like a more evolved version of the stick.

Kris has red eyes. When Frisk is possesed by Chara they have red eyes, but if this type of eyes are natural, then it is entirely possible that Frisk ALSO has red eyes.

In the 2023 aniversary newsletter Frisk is mistakenly referred to as Kris. So Toby can't even tell them apart LMAO.

Bratty says that when Kris was younger, they wanted to hang out with the big kids, and they jokingly said that if they went to buy some burgers Kris would be able to do so. Kris actually did exactly that and still got rejected. Poor kid...

What I'm trying to say is that Kris may actually be a lot nicer than we may have thought. Them being a prankster doesn't actually affect wheter they're hurtful or not. In fact, in the normal route in chapter 2, in one of the electric barrier puzzles, Noelle can activate the barrier in the exact spot Kris was in, and she will note how Kris seems hurt by her prank, meaning that Kris doesn't actually like pranks that they think are dangerous (not anymore?).

But, I wouldn't be honest with you if I didn't PROPERLY adress the counterevidence, even finding some of my own (people should do this more often).

First, their handedness.

Kris' handedess seems to be ambidextrous, as they use their left hand in ch 1 ending and their right hand in ch 2 ending.

What about Frisk's handedness...? At first, they seem to be left-handed, as their slash sprite is always the same, and would make more sense if it came from a left hand. But if you remember when Toriel was going through the spike puzzle, Toriel grabs Frisk's hand with her right hand. But Frisk alternates between their left hand and right one. Even when they grab the umbrella the exact same thing happens. It isn't a bug, Toriel's hand is consistent, it's Frisk's hands that aren't. I think that if Toby doesn't care that much about keeping Frisk dominant with one hand then we shouldn't either. I mean, the slash sprite always being the same could easly be explained by Toby not wanting to add another one because it would look weird. Tldr Frisk is probably ambidextrous because Toby doesn't care, at least not anymore in UT's final release.

So! That's everything, right?

No... Because I still have to tackle Sans' relationship with Frisk, as I kind of just recontextualized it in it's entirety.

PART VI. UNDERSTANDING SANS

So why does Sans hate Frisk so much? Why does he hate making promises? I mean, "don't forget" is a promise too, implying that he too, hated making that promise.

Well, for starters, I believe that Toriel asking him to protect the next human is not theo ONLY reason Sans didn't attack them. He made the mysterious promise to not forget Kris and their friends, which in turn meant that he couldn't forget about Frisk either, and their memories of being a good person.

Well, he does mention that they don't know it feels, knowing that one day everything will be reset. So is it possible that Kris will or has reset Deltarune? Perhaps, but I would like to point out something slightly less outlandish for the sake of this post.

His infamous line: "kids like you should be buring in hell" gains some interesting implications when you remember what "Hell" is associated with in Deltarune: The Roaring. After all, Jevil refers to it as "HELL'S ROAR", and Ralsei, when describing the roaring asks: "Is this your idea of paradise" wording which definetly will become very important later in the game.

After all, why WOULD Sans try to leave his homeworld? What catastrophe would make him leave, if not the Roaring or worse? And, why WOULD Sans say this to Frisk? Could it be, that he finds the idea of Frisk suffering in the calamity that is Hell's Roar? But that could only happen if...

Kris consciously helped bring or directly brought Hell itself to Deltarune.

How???? It directly contradicts EVERYTHING that I've been trying to say about Frisk! ...Right?

Well, the Roaring seems to be an allegory to something very interesting: letting yourself be consumed by fiction. So let's think, why would Frisk, or better said Kris, do this at all?

Well, if it HAD to be ONE reason in particular, it would be the same reason they climbed Mt. Ebott: because nobody loved them they way they are. Or at the very least, they THOUGHT so.

This question of seemingly not knowing if anybody loves Kris for the way they are is one that's been directly building up in the new girl page in the sweepstakes, particularly when Susie says that if Kris dissapeared, Toriel would be happy, and then Kris says something unexpected that Noelle doesn't hear. It also further connects Kris to Frisk and Chara, and maybe even the other six fallen humans. Of course, I DO belive that at least their family DOES love them for the way they are, at least to some extent, as well as Rudy and Noelle. Also, Susie is friends with Kris, not the player, because we can be the worst person imaginable and Susie doesn't care because she's not OUR friend, she's Kris', as them saving her is much more important than whatever we do in Chapter 1, at least as of now. Again, it's just that Kris THINKS they don't. But... Why?

Well, it could be anything from Kris hiding something from their friends that completly changes their view to US controlling them, making them feel like their friends don't love THEM. However, Frisk isn't noted to be upset in the pacifist route, so I don't think they mind if we do what they want, after all, they DO influence or ACTs. Instead, what if us controlling Kris makes their friends FEEL like they AREN'T their friend?

To this I... Do not know. There are so, SOO many possible plot points that it would just be too much for this post. So I'll leave it here. If you have any gripes with this theory, please let me know as long as you aren't borderline hateful. I do genuenly want to improve, even if it means acknowledging that my theory is objectivly bad, or something. But if you DO think I'm onto something PLEASE like and share, this is like the very first ACTUAL theory I've posted, so please let me know!

#deltarune #undertale #theory #kris dreemurr #frisk dreemurr #chara #asriel #susie deltarune #krusie #crack theory #clam girl #lore #sans undertale #flowey undertale #papyrus #flowey #undertale theory

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signalhill-if · 1 year

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I'm averse to including any customization options that either don't contribute to the overall experience of the story/worldbuilding or restrict the player's imagination unnecessarily. I consider colour options to be both of those, at least in this game. So no

not the same anon, but im genuinely really curious as to why you think this. I think it's a really interesting perspective. i was wondering if you could perhaps expand on this. 👀 /g

i hope it doesn't come off as rude, im genuinely interested to know more about your perspective on this,only if you feel comfortable doing so ofc, if not feel free to ignore this ask. 😅

I am always open to rambling about my game design philosophy anon 😌

I am of the opinion that every single choice you make in game design must serve the game in some specific, defensible way. If it isn't serving the game, it's bloat, and it needs to be excised. The number one thing that kills a project (especially in indie) is feature creep, so for me, being conservative with game design is extremely important. This is also going to probably be in my portfolio, meaning it's especially important to show a future employer that I know how to manage a project like this, since at the kind of indie studio I want to work at people tend to wear a lot of hats.

The number one example I can give you of feature creep to explain why it's so deadly is Yandere Simulator. Funny game concept, terrible execution. Why? Feature creep. Also the dev is a creep. But primarily feature creep. The game had a whole slew of clubs you could join, a full menu of dozens of easter eggs, a bunch of carefully crafted events with placeholder characters... He was so busy implementing random crap and then fixing all the bugs he introduced that he did not implement the first rival, the purpose of the game, for like 8 years.

What the fuck does that mean? It means if you let the project get bloated, you let it get fucking bad. There is no fixing Yandere Simulator now. Those decisions have doomed it.

Tight game design, on the other hand, feels great. This is why I love Apocalypse World so much. Everything is deeply intentional and extremely tight. That kind of tight, focused game design is what I'm trying to aim for here. Everything must serve the game.

With that in mind, how about I show you how Apocalypse World handles character customization? Here's the Skinner playbook:

Mwah. Beautiful. They show you only enough to clue you in on who your character might be- showy, expressive, troubled, lush. These are playbook specific, meaning a different character will have a different array of options. It's minimalist, it's focused, and it has no fluff.

It's easy to think about character creation as "just what you need to do before the game starts," but that's a misunderstanding. Character creation is the first impression a player gets of your world and its rules. And just like you want to present yourself well in your job interview, you want to present your game well in the "am I going to bother playing this" interview.

The approach I've chosen is meant to mirror that anti-bloat philosophy. What I want to tell players is that this game is gonna be stylish, a little more mechanically involved than what they're used to, but importantly, tight as fuck. So choosing the options wisely and removing bloat means getting that message across. Colour is bloat. The game will never reference your character's skin or hair or eye colour, because that's just not really how I write. It doesn't contribute to the worldbuilding, and the player will naturally decide those things themselves regardless of whether I give them the option. So it's gotta be cut.

Does that mean this approach should apply to everything? No. You've gotta make sure it fits your game. For example, for another game technically inspired by Apocalypse World (twice removed haha), @zorlok-if does this incredibly well. It has an absolutely bonkers amount of customization, a real maximalist approach that makes a huge impact when you start up the game- it makes you feel like a kid in a candy store. And it works great, because it matches the feel of the game.

All of this is a long way of saying that you've got to be intentional with every aspect of your game design, even the ones that don't feel like they matter much.

#i know this is very overdramatic for a discussion about hair colour lol #but you asked why! and the answer is 'my core game design philosophy' 🤷‍♂️#thank you anon!!#ask #anonymous #(in case anybody's wondering what i mean when i say they're both inspired by AW- zorlok is inspired by MOTW #which itself was inspired by AW. so they're like... an uncle and nephew. but if the nephew was born before the uncle #cause zorlok came out first.... y'know this is a bad analogy. go play zorlok it's great)

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cru5h-cascades · 1 year

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Stuff That Should Be in Drizzle Season 2023

Wazzup wazzup everyone! So I've been seeing a bunch of concepts for next season (kinda sensible since Sizzle Season was sort of a letdown) and I decided "Hey, why don't I make some concepts myself?" And so here we are! Anyways, let's get this show started!

Custom Spawners

Okay, so this one's been alrady conceptualized by others already but I kind of want to build onto it. I like the idea of being able to change the color of the spawners and add stickers, but let's take it a step forward: new variants! Instead of being restricted to the good ol' coffee machine we've known since that fateful February in 2021, we should be able to get spawners in completely different styles! The variants wouldn't add anything to gameplay and would be completely for asthetic reasons, but it'd give us some more customization options! Here's some ideas for variants:

A clam shell

A tiki head

A toy shark (mirroring how Shiver respawns in RotM)

A UFO

Drone (looking sort of like the helicopters in Splatoon 2)

2. New Stages

Alright now for something a bit more original: what new stages should we get next season? Welp, when it comes to returning stages, WE NEED URCHIN UNDERPASS BACK DAMNNIT!!! Urchin Underpass is one of the most iconic stages in the Splatoon series. Hell, it's even in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe for god's sake! What better way to celebrate Splatoon 3's aniversary than to bring back one of the best stages in the series! Also, I'm just so sick and tired of only being able to play on the stage in Mario Kart (I... never played the first game...). However, if we're getting Side Order next season, maybe we can bring back Starfish Mainstage or The Reef (two of the stages shown off in the S2's reveal trailer) instead. Anyways when it comes to new stages I've been thinking maybe we can get a stage in a movie theater. The stage would have its own unique mechanic where halfway through the battle the lighting becomes darker, making it slightly harder to see enemies, with only a few areas of the stage being lit up a bit, adding onto the entire chaos theme of S3. As for what this stage would be called... I'd call it "Deep Blue Cinema".

3. New Gear

Okay so since there's a bunch of evidence suggesting that Side Order might be coming out soon, Naturally folks would want some gear from S2 to come back. However, I think we can do more with that. Maybe we should add in gear resembling Agent 4 and 8's hero gear (including armor because seriously I love the armor sets in S2 they just look so cool), too (since Side Order's a new hero mode, duh). Other than that, I don't have that much to say here.

4. New Weapons/Specials

When it comes to new kits for existing weapon types, we should get a new stringer kit (fitting for the game's anniversary), a new dynamo roller (GOLDEN DYNAMO), a new undercover brella (unpopular opinion; I was an undercover enjoyer in S2, after all; I'm waiting for a good kit for the weapon to come out) and perhaps new splat dualies. When it comes to new specials (we already had new wepons this season), the only one I could think about is some sort of special that creates copies of your character made out of ink that can go and attack folks on the other team (these clones don't respawn after getting splatted).

5. SIDE ORDER RELEASE!!!

This category speaks for itself. WE NEED SIDE ORDER TO COME OUT AND FAST. Strands of code have been discovered for Side Order in the game's code and we know the big reward for Side Order already, so it looks like Side Order's coming out very soon. People have been speculating we'd be getting more official news on the DLC during the S3 World Championships (Sept. 4th), and i feel like that possibility isn't too far fetched. As for when the DLC could launch (if it comes out next season), the DLC could probably launch on Sept. 9th (S3's anniversary).

Anyways, that was some of the stuff that I hope comes out next season! What do y'all want to in Drizzle Season 2023 Tell me in da comments/reblogs!

#splatoon #splatoon 3 #splatoon concepts #concept ideas

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alyjojo · 1 year

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Twin Flame 🔥 Journey - May 2023 - Aquarius

Your Energy:

9 Cups - The Magician - The High Priestess

Regarding: 3 Cups

Your friends/family caused the issues between you, that’s being made crystal clear. It can be 50 different stories but it has to do with the people you surround yourself with, and competition involving that. Outside people. Idk if a friend likes you too, and they go up against this person. You could be a person that likes to go clubbing or something fun involving alcohol. You’re a free bird that won’t be tied down in nature generally, but something in particular on your side caused the separation initially. Something you’ve kept secret, or tried to, because you know/knew how much it would piss them off, has still caused silence and a lot of confusion between you and your Twin. Or you were planning something quietly, maybe with this person, but they don’t trust you based on other people. Something like that. Secrets + outside parties = chaos and destruction.

Their Energy:

Page of Swords - Knight of Cups - King of Wands

Regarding: 4 Swords

They ended the connection because they didn’t have a choice, you were driving them crazy. Their mental state cannot handle the kind of games you were playing with them. You may see it as harmless, but this is a very old fashioned person and they don’t understand any of this, they replay it all in their mind on a loop because they can’t understand how everything even went from A to B with you. Mentally, they’re still healing from this. Emotionally, they’ve moved on from any hurt or heartbreak, or at least they say & act like they have. They may stalk you, keep tabs, maybe they see you happy and it makes them question what your truth ever was. You make this person very insecure. It’s because of other people in the mix, both sides say it. They come up as King of Wands, someone very charming, attractive, a leader, someone that doesn’t normally sit in 9 Swords kind of energy so there must be some kinda air somewhere. They weren’t sure whether they should move on, but they knew they had to. They also don’t know if you really have. This person does want to talk and get some answers, the outcome doesn’t point that direction but they do.

Outcome for May:

9 Wands - 7 Cups - 9 Pentacles

Regarding: 10 Wands

This whole section is just this person reminding themselves why they can’t come towards you. Being your friend is too difficult, maybe even painful for them, they don’t want that. They’d like an apology but it wouldn’t mean much to them, if you gave them one they might not even respond. They’re recognizing they have other options, you clearly have other options too, they’re just going to mirror you by pulling away and chasing these other people. Something like that. The hurt caused by this connection may show that this isn’t one that can heal. This person is embodying Emperor energy, placing rules and standards on *themselves* and what they will and won’t allow going forward in any relationship. They may have had a lack of boundaries or a hard time standing up for themselves, with you. That’s all changed in their eyes. There is no movement towards you, they’re working on their independence right now, and will probably meet some other karmic with lessons along the way. You’re supposed to be apart 💯

Karmic Cards:

Mercury - Taurus - 8th House

- Communicate your beliefs as a life or death issue.

- Analyze the costs of getting and using power.

- Let your mind tell you how to use the most direct way and use other people’s resources.

Oracles:

You: Secrets

Conceal plans and actions from those not ready to accept you as you are.

Them: Preparation

Luck comes most often to the person and the place where preparation, opportunity, and skill meet.

Messages:

You:

- I am entranced by you 🤩

- Plays Too Much! 🤡

Them:

- Kind 😊

- Old Time Romance 🌹

Possible Signs:

Every sign. Leo & Gemini heavy

Also Virgo, Pisces, Aquarius, Cancer & Sag

Charms:

Saturn 🪐 on Secrets is karma, flat out. The consequences for your actions being whatever they were, even if they were secret. This person did what they had to based on what they were getting or seeing from you, and lessons came with whatever decisions they’ve made. It may feel unfair initially, but you’re co-ruled by Saturn. And one of your card energies is 7 Swords. The sneaky thief avoiding accountability...or pain. I’ll hurt you before you hurt me, steal these swords so you don’t stab me with them. Outsmart. Dodge. Avoid. It’s an air sign lesson to try to “get away” with things, and being a sign of intelligence, you sometimes do. But big things, if a person doesn’t catch you, Saturn delivers discipline directly to your door. Other people may not even know what’s going on, on a deeper level, but you do, or will. Cap is born disciplined, Aqua becomes* disciplined.

Shooting Star 🌠 on King of Wands shows this being your Twin, one you may not reunite with, and many/most Twins don’t. They’re chaotic connections that exist to light a fire in you and then send you off in your own directions to become who you’re meant to be, and something big has to happen to pull them apart in the first place. Between that event, and whatever happens afterwards, there is often too much pain, growth, moving separate directions or even other soulmates in the way of them ever reconnecting. In your case, a shooting star is a fleeting moment, it’s happens quickly and then it’s gone.

Lips 👄 on Mercury shows a lesson of yours being communication and needing to do that with your partners. I don’t see this person being open to that, but moving forward in your life. No more secrets. No more avoiding. 7 Swords flipped is complete transparency. It’s only healthy to speak up and address things, and hearing what your partner is saying too. Your cards indicate a locked up sort of person, not very open, you need to use your words. Like with Virgo, a song came up on my list that I’m being told to add, they could have that in their chart.

#aquarius tarot reading #twin flame #may 2023 #Aquarius #tarot #free reading #tarotblr #Spotify

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anthonysstupiddailyblog · 1 year

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Anthony’s Stupid Daily Blog (406): Thu 27th Apr 2023

I got up at 8 in order to watch game 5 of the Lakers vs Grizzlies series from last night. I assumed that because I have the "hide scores" option ticked on the NBA app that I didn't have to worry about the game being spoiled for me but on the front page of the app there was a huge main image of the captain of the Grizzlies scoring a slam dunk under the headline "Grizzlies Triumph. Take series to 3-2". What is wrong with these dumb motherfuckers? (The NBA app that is not the Lakers, though fuck them for losing last night). Now every time I log on to the app I'm going to have to poke myself in the eyes so that I won't have the result spoiled for me. The Lakers are now 3-2 up against them so they still only have to pull one more win out of the bag before moving on to the quarter finals.

I saw on Twitter that Jerry Springer had died. I have to say I wasn't a fan of Springer's show. Mainly because it acted like it was doing some sort of service whereas of course it wasn't, it was encouraging scum to laugh at even poorer scum. I assume that Springer's rational for the show being an magnanimous endeavor was that by having these people on to air their dirty laundry in front of millions of people it would somehow act as a mirror allowing then to see what lousy people they were and would give them the kick in the tail they needed to resolve to change their ways. However my experience is that people who are arseholes rarely change. If anything being shown up to be a deadbeat Dad on national television probably wouldn't prompt the person to change, it would prompt them to come up with excuses as to why they couldn't change. Using myself as an example I decided to uit drinking over ten years ago when I realized what an arsehole and an embarrassment I was around other people, however I haven't really stopped being an arsehole, I've just removed myself from having any sort of social interaction. I don't want to be around the people who knew me doing my drinking years so they won't be able to mock me for all the embarrassing shit I did. That's not really changing that's more running and hiding. So imagine how much faster I'd run and how better I'd hide if MILLIONS of people had seen first hand what a shithead I am. If the Springer show really was a force for good then they would have done follow ups with the people who had been featured on the show in order to show that they had indeed changed their lives around but then they'd run the risk of discovering they were just as horrid as ever, their appearance on the show had done nothing to turn their lives around and the show itself was in fact just Victorian circus under a different name. A while back Jerry Seinfeld did a show called The Marriage Ref where couples / friends / co-workers would come on discuss some sort of minor quibble / argument they'd had and it would be up to the host to decide who was in the right. If the Springer show was more like this and it was done more for laughs and it wasn't portraying the guests and violent, lazy, commitment avoiding dick weasels then I might have enjoyed it more. Although I wasn't a fan of his show Springer himself always seemed really nice and he even inspired this classic Freakazoid joke so he wasn't all bad.

I had Luna today. Dad had bought her some piece of shit crafts kit from a second hand shop so I had to sit and play with it with her. Half the supplies were missing and the thing she ended up making was a bunch of lollipop sticks glued together in a square shape with a bunch of googley eyes plastered all over it which she said was a robot. Then she glued two lollipop sticks to each other to form a cross and glued a googley eye to the top of it and said that this was a helicopter. I've been struggling to come up with protagonists for a comic strip for a while but I think I might have just found them and what's best is that Luna is too young to even know what copyright law is and those models she made will probably go straight in the bin so I can literally just nick her designs and there's fuck all she can do about it. Later on Luna asked for some crumpets for her lunch. While they were in the toaster we went back into the sitting room to resume our game and I kept making Luna laugh by acting like I'd forgotten about the crumpets then running out of the room shouting CRUMPETS!!!!! Luna kept making me laugh by mimicking Lisa Simpson, quoting "If anybody needs me I'll be in my room". It's remarkable how expansive her memory is and how gifted she is at mimicry. The only impression I can do is of Shamima Begum but I've had to stop doing it because I've been warned by multiple people that it could get me killed (though I've been told by Jim Davidson that it could make me the next Jim Davidson).

I watched a couple of episodes of the latest series of Taskmaster which I haven't been keeping up with because it's coincided with the run up to my holiday. Frankie Boyle has been the highlight of the show so far. I especially liked when Jenny Eclair was talking about how she has no musical ability and even at a party she gets a nasty shock whenever people start singing Happy Birthday she gets a shock because it always takes her by surprise. Frankie chimed in with "Surely the cake gives you a clue". There was a task where Frankie was required to catch potatoes in a top hat and I was tempted to be really childish and tweet a picture of him wearing it with the caption "Another thing Frankie has stolen from Sadowitz".

I went for a run at 9pm listening to a podcast about the life and death of Edgar Allan Poe. This poor motherfucker could not catch a break. Both parents dead before he was 10, adoptive rich Dad wouldn't give him any money so he had to drop out of school, rejected from the army, spent his early writing years in relative poverty and had to beg for food, just as his writing career is taking off his wife dies, then he becomes a drunk and ends up dead in the streets of Baltimore. Well I mean he might have had it bad but at least he didn't have to press skip on his remote every five minutes to get rid of a fucking ad on YouTube.

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autoclickerz · 2 years

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Features of An Auto Clicker

By basically introducing programming on their PC, clients might reduce the mileage on their favored clicking gadget. Numerous expert obligations incorporate auto clicker constant squeezing of a particular key, which will probably break down your key quicker. Auto clickers are the arrangement that will save you.

When it comes to gaming, there are a plenty of benefits to be had. With no auto clicker, games like Minecraft and Roblox are incredibly challenging to play. Moreover, they can be used in an assortment of shooting match-ups that require a steady tap to shoot.

Clients may rapidly download and utilize this fabulous application with next to no trouble since it is very minimal in size and has a completely smooth UI.

End Besides, auto clickers can extensively decrease the possibilities contacting the incorrect key on your console coincidentally. Since the two people and robots move their fingers and palms so rapidly, it's occasionally beyond the realm of possibilities for the client to tell where the keys on the console are corresponding to one another. Auto clickers, which can decide the specific area of the critical on the console, can undoubtedly take care of this issue. This brings down the opportunities to erroneously press the wrong key while additionally expanding efficiency and productivity. I truly want to believe that you viewed this as post accommodating!

Auto clickers are apparatuses that are utilized to recreate human snaps. They are utilized by individuals who need to hold their mouse-clicking fingers back from getting sore or tired.

There are various kinds of auto clickers that can be tracked down on the web. Some of them cost cash and others are allowed to utilize. The most famous ones are the ones that have been made by gamers who believed that a way should make their interactivity more productive, yet these auto clickers can be utilized for different purposes too, for example, keeping an individual's mouse hand from getting sore when they need to do dreary errands on the PC the entire day.

An auto clicker is programming that can mimic mouse snaps and console presses. An application can be downloaded on your PC.

It has been intended to tackle the issue of dreary clicking, which can cause torment in the fingers and wrist. It additionally assists individuals who with needing to mess around however can't do so on the grounds that they come up short on ability or versatility for it.

The auto clicker will help you by clicking at a speed of a single tick each second, and that implies that it will require 10 minutes for it to finish 1,000 ticks.

An auto clicker is a program that can reproduce the clicking of a mouse. It works by following the cursor development and tapping on an item such that mirrors human info.

The most amazing aspect of this product is that it's allowed to download and utilize. What's more, in the event that you're searching for something to robotize your mouse clicks, an auto clicker is ideal for you.

An auto clicker can be utilized to mechanize mouse clicks in any application or game, however it's most generally utilized in games like Minecraft, where players should have the option to do dreary errands without utilizing their hands.

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reflectionsofneptune · 4 years

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little things about the Mars Signs

18+

little, dreamy things I associate with sex and the Mars signs in Astrology.

Aries Mars

Rawness. A strong grip. Tugging a lock of hair when it gets too much. A thin line between pain and pleasure. Nails scratching down a back because of frustration. A build up. Taunts. Deliberately causing arguments because make-up sex with you feels so good. Will you take the bait? Sex feeling new each time. A fast rhythm. Confidence. Advancing towards you. Feeling protective over you. An urge to KO anyone who looks at you for more than 2 seconds. Warrior urges instigated. Persistence got me this far in life, let me show you how it works for me.

Taurus Mars

Pressure. A slow burning warmth that licks up the body. We have all the time in the world. Every part of the body exposed to a kiss, a touch, a breath of air. Flickering of orange flames in a fireplace. A feeling of pure, unabashed sensuality when naked. Coolness of air which brushes the hairs on the back of the neck. Rooted in sexual energy. Slow and steady wins the race. Scented massages. Starting at the base of the neck. Feeling strength. Resilience. Flavoured condoms. Drunk on your love. How is it possible you taste sweeter every time? The smooth column of the throat. The shadows a sunset causes dancing. Seduction is like art to me, let me paint you a masterpiece.

Gemini Mars

Curiosity. Curiosity killed the cat, but the cat had nine lives. Opening up to try different things. Trying to do too many things at once. Falling on the floor so we stay there. A combination of arms and legs. Head cocked to one side. Observing you from a different angle. Slanted eyes. A feeling of pressure that’s quick but growing in acuteness. Busy hands. Roaming fingers. Lights on or off it doesn’t matter. I can still picture you. In my mind. With my eyes closed. You’re a permanent imprint on my psyche. My desire resides on the mental plane. Whispering all the things I want to do to you. Biting an ear lobe. Wanting to learn about every inch of your body. Tell me your fantasies and watch how fast I bring it to you in real time.

Cancer Mars

Baby. But I can take control. It depends how I feel. An emotionally charged touch. Hearts in sync. A vivid imagination. Role-playing. Wearing that outfit I know has that effect on you. Playing coy. If I’m feeling sad, I might insist we stay wrapped in each other’s arms, just for a while. Is that OK? A stormy kind of desire. Waking up to kisses. Not wanting to sleep because this moment is all I ever dreamed of. This feels like home. Checking in with you. A sensitive kind of love. Hold me tight. So tight I can’t breathe. Only then will it feel right. TLC. Crying before, during and after sex. I can’t help it. A sudden wave of desire, greedy in nature. Strong feelings of lust. My fervour for you is bottomless, this is but a small representation of its total expression.

Leo Mars

Doing it in the mirror so I can show you how beautiful you look. Don’t be shy. Rose petals on the bed. Even more rose petals on the floor. I wanna perform for you. An effortless performance, start to finish. This is what you signed up for. Let me deliver my end of the deal. Pride in the bedroom. Forgetting about past lovers. At the moment of release, saying my name soothes the lion inside that bares it’s teeth when you’re underneath me. Aggression. Feeling royal together. Round one barely took the edge off. Leaving my mark on you. The bedroom feels like a hunting ground. Running isn’t an option. Pleasure in all its forms. Can you tame the beast?

Virgo Mars

Acting reserved in public but it’s a different story behind closed doors. Who knew? Not afraid to get dirty with you. Voyuerism. Less stress. Surrendering to pleasure and not feeling guilty for it. Peace with the imperfection of this ritual. Perfection out of the window. Lust making a direct entrance, front and centre. Tasting you. And then kissing you. Tasting us. Fresh sheets. Getting equally turned on watching you get dressed vs watching you get undressed. When we’re done, cleaning you as an act of service. Submission. A routine that brings order to a chaotic life. If I tell you how crucial this is to my well-being, will you look down on me?

Libra Mars

Fluid. Fluidity in our movements. You first, then me. Close your eyes if you like. There’s no rush. I like being here with you. Who said romance was dead? Wants and desires expressed with you in mind. Sleepy sex. In the throes of passion, you still look like a masterpiece. Can’t get enough. Delicate petals of a rose. Instinctively knowing how to get you off. Licking my lips. And then licking you down there. Playing with you with finesse. How does this feel? Dressing up, just for you. A breathy sigh released in the crook of the neck. Scented candles. Not knowing where each other begins and ends. Not caring. A true union of souls. Sharing this helps me to forget about inner turmoil, if only for a little while.

Scorpio Mars

Enticement. Pupils full and unblinking. Space between us lasts for a second. Who are we kidding? Sharing oxygen. Sucking on your bottom lip. Eyes on me. That’s not a request. Wanting to watch you fall apart. A wet trail left by a tongue. Those kind of toys. Do you trust me? Show me how much. Fingers pressed into the skin, hard. A ghostly handprint flashes on the surface of the skin for a heartbeat. Teeth tease the throb of a pulse point. Blood rushing. Be brave enough to discover the intensity of my feelings and be sucked under. Only to rise up in levels in consciousness on a spiritual plane. Love is transformational. I’m willing to show you what you do to me. Don’t run.

Sagittarius Mars

Free rein. Sex with the possibility of being exposed. Down for whatever. Bluntness. Desires expressed with no shame. A finger over the lips. Playing to win. Feeling energised when rolling around the sheets. Nothing is off limits. Fantasies coming true. No strings attached. Watch me do you. Laughter as foreplay. Relax with me. You may have tried this position before but with me it’s different. Let’s get physical. A work out. Kissing you to muffle your screams. Messy hair. Messy sheets. How did this end up in the bed? Mundane details of life losing their importance when we’re together. Feeling the strength coursing through the thighs. I would risk getting caught with you.

Capricorn Mars

A hand on your waist in public, a hand on your throat in secret. Trust me, it feels better when you wait. Limits pushed. Burning up. Debauchery. I won’t tell. It’s our little secret. Experience is a turn on. Standards are a turn on. A sense of control. Mastery. I know this game in and out. Sex is all about power at the end of the day. Soft bristles of a whip, barely brushing the spine. I know how to do this with my eyes closed. How do you feel about blindfolds? Vulnerability. Replaying these moments we share in inappropriate places. Seductive e-mails. Legs pressed tightly together. Having power over you is an accolade I hold close to my heart, not something I take for granted.

Aquarius Mars

Electric. Electricity when our fingers touch. Permission to be one’s free, authentic self. A non-judgement zone. Non-physical forms of affection. I’m open to trying something new with you. Inviting other people into the picture but only you can make me feel this way. Incorporating technology to add a new flavour. Feeling closer to you in group sex. Conversations intermingling within the very act of sex. Noses brushing against each other faintly. Deep eye-contact feels orgasmic. Hearing soft vibrations in the air before you feel it. Swirling galaxies. My thoughts are consumed by you nowadays, but I’m OK with that.

Pisces Mars

Altered states of consciousness. The bliss that comes when feeling wholly accepted. Complete adoration. Eyes locked. A desire to merge together. Skinny-dipping under the cloak of the night. Who cares if we get caught. No restrictions. A transcendent experience. Artistic nudes. A photo album on my phone. Dedicated to you. Boundaries teased. Biting my lip to control myself but failing. Kisses on the forehead. Reverence. I can morph into whoever you want me to. Kissing you, but my eyes are open. Moments of silence. Desires expressed without words. The sweetest dreams. Every time feels like a little death, only to be reborn again.

| little thoughts about the mercury placements

| little thoughts about the venus placements

| little thoughts about the saturn placements

#astrology #mine #mars #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces #astro #zodiac signs #zodiac #astrology observation #thoughts

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petitfanboy · 3 years

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Comprehensive and in-depth analysis of Asuka and Shinji relationship in 3.0+1.0, implications for the ending and why many youtube Eva analysis videos titles I believe are wrong. (Spoilers ahead)

Preface

It seems it was yesterday when I wrote an extended essay regarding the essential and critical relationship of Asuka and Shinji in Evangelion for the last time. However, seven years have passed.

My idea here is to write, in general lines, about the relationship of Asuka and Shinji in the last movie and the ending and its implications in a more detailed way. I will use different analyses I have read so far besides mine, and you will find the links to all of them in the text.

I have tried to maintain an analysis that followed the narrative plot and what I believe is closer to what the director wants to express. However, as Anno himself has said multiple times, his work may inspire different feelings in different people, so I understand where the differences might come from and, in no way, this is intended as a confrontation to other opinions and theories.

Please, let me start with an introduction.

Introduction

While a lot has changed for me in these years, my view of A/S relationship in the whole Eva universe, including their dynamics, meaning, and canonical aspects have not changed.

Long story short, A/S represent core aspects of the message Evangelion wants to transmit: The Hedgehog's dilemma, the fear of connecting and rejection while having a strong desire to be loved and understood, and finally, the pursuit of happiness. Asuka and Shinji are opposites on their outside and equals on their inside. A perfect match for exploring those issues.

RoE makes clear their similarities

Asuka and Shinji similarities

Evangelion arrives at a fulfilling conclusion at the end, showing us how it is possible to overcome the abovementioned problems. To depict that, it always involves resolving the different issues Asuka and Shinji have between them, becoming closer, opening to one another and, probably and eventually, staying together.

Evangelion portrays that resolution using scenes showing the exact moment of the change in A/S dynamics, the moment when both pursued real connection starts. What happens after that change is unknown, but the intention is clear: once they begin to make an effort, they have the chance to be happy together.

Before the release of 3.0+1.0, different spoilers and youtube video’s titles ruined my life, as I suppose that happened to some of you. It had such a significant impact on me that it is hard to define with words. Not because I was an angry asushin fanboy as some might classify me, but because, had it been confirmed, it would have meant that the message that Evangelion has been constructing since its first airing was shattered to pieces. I could not accept it.

At that specific moment, the Eva Extra Ex manga came and saved me.

Eva Extra Ex Manga Translated

I cannot highlight enough how important this manga was and still, it is. For me, it represented a call from Anno himself, saying: Do not worry, Evangelion is going to keep being Evangelion. I still recall the endless discussions on the internet when 3.0 came out about the effect of the time-skip, in what lousy state the relationship between Shinji and Asuka was (or if it was even inexistent!) and how Evangelion was going to transmit another message in the end. For me, there were always precise moments in 3.0 that pointed against those conclusions. But with Eva Extra, everything changed. It tied aspects of 2.0 and 3.0 very nicely and allowed us to discover more regarding Asuka's feelings and motivations.

With the first interaction in the manga between Asuka and Mari, we see that Asuka still has (deep) feelings for Shinji. As the story progresses, we see how Asuka reacts to Mari's teasing and how unconvinced Mari is of all the bravado that she displays. A/S relationship, alongside their communication and hedgehog's dilemma related problems, still existed in the present timeline of the events of 3.0 and 3.0+1.0.

God's in his heaven all right with the world.

Chapter 1: The houses of healing

Instead of speaking of every Shinji/Asuka interaction scene, I will try to make this analysis lighter by talking about how it progresses across the film and focusing only on key scenes.

The film's first part explains how Shinji achieves healing after understanding how people around him are friendly, which is a big difference from EoE. In EoE, it was impossible. Shinji was left hurt and without any option to heal. He ultimately achieved healing through his experiences in instrumentality, leading to the ending and the hope/love message we all know in One More Final: I need you.

This process, this healing, happens in a precise location. That is the reason for the chapter's title. I took the liberty of naming this first chapter as the eighth chapter of Tolkien's book The Return of the King. But, what place is it?

Initially, Shinji is taken to Toji's house. While that place suits Rei, who will understand the basic meaning of life and being human, Shinji makes no progress there. Interestingly, Kensuke sees how Shinji is not making any progress and suggests he should go with him to his house. Why? It is driven by his new parental role, reminiscent of Kaji. He thinks why Shinji is in such a state and understand his needs at that moment. Besides, with or without knowing it, he reunites Shinji and Asuka under the same roof and the same parental figure.

I cannot say that he willingly wanted to reunite Shinji with Asuka, although I am sure he thought it was a direct consequence of carrying Shinji with him, so he was happy with that idea. As we know from 2.0 and the original series, their friends are the ones who notice Asuka and Shinji bond, so it would not be strange that Kensuke wanted to reunite both of them.

With or without Kensuke's will, bringing Shinji to Kensuke's house mirrors Misato's apartment, but with a male figure as the leader (i.e. A Kaji instead of Misato). It is a comeback to better times. Kensuke takes the parental figure for both Shinji and Asuka, as Misato did when Asuka moved in 2.0 for both children. This time, Asuka is the one who is already living there (previously it was Shinji), and Shinji is the one who arrives later. In 3.0+1.0 Misato cannot fulfil her maternal role anymore, as explained later in the film (and redeemed at the end).

Let me linger on this parallel. In 2.0, when Asuka arrives at Misato's house and introduces Asuka to Shinji, we have the romantic comedy scene of the shower a few minutes later. The scene makes us understand that they feel some attraction to each other, albeit in a very early stage (and introduces PenPen to Asuka). Time forward, this first interaction is repeated in Kensuke's house. When Shinji arrives, he finds Asuka naked after having a shower. This time, no reaction is seen from either part explicitly. Neither Shinji nor Asuka blushed or overreacted, but Asuka clearly states her disappointment, which shows us her desire that Shinji reacted, that Shinji expressed attraction towards her. A significant line that adds up to all the previous evidence about Asuka's persistent feelings for Shinji. What about Shinji? There is a minor detail. When he sees Asuka naked, he stares at her with a glare that is just a mix of emotions. Although it is difficult to tell what he is thinking, Asuka is directly opposite him, and he can see both the DSS choker and her body. However, he only notices the choker when she wraps herself with a towel. Draw your conclusions.

From that point onwards, we get a few scenes representing the problem Asuka and Shinji have communicating and how alike they are. When Shinji throws up for the first time, Asuka explains to Kensuke why Shinji behaves like that and shuts himself off. However, she is doing the same, playing with her console. Asuka's video game is Shinji's SDAT. Asuka hates the behaviour of Shinji because she sees her flaws in him.

Despite all the façade, she tries to communicate and help Shinji repeatedly in the coming scenes, checking on him on several occasions. Whenever she does that, the movie clearly shows us that she has abandoned her Shinji-like behaviour, showing us the console turned off.

Asuka and her videogame

The climax of their conflict is the force-feeding scene. But before analysing that scene, let me tell you a few more details.

I believe that the mirroring of Misato's apartment is portrayed through other details. For example, the name KenKen might have been chosen in honour of the missing companion from Misato's apartment: PenPen.

Furthermore, while some people might find odd the tendency of Asuka to be naked, this is driven by her disgust with her own body, which is shown in the Eva Extra manga. Finally, to enforce the idea that the relationship between Kensuke and Asuka is different from the one that she and Shinji have, it is essential to notice how Kensuke calls them. He calls them by their surnames, Shikiname and Ikari, placing distance between them.

Let's return to the force-feeding scene. In that scene, Asuka wants to help him, which is why she feeds him, and at the same time, she explains her frustration regarding the lack of reaction and understanding on his part. The conflict between them is portrayed similarly to the Eva 03 incident in 2.0

Visual comparison 1

Visual comparison 2

She is trying to understand him, and she tells him rather precisely why she thinks he is in such a state. She only wants him to reciprocate that understanding, and she wants him to think and explain why she punched him after seeing each other after 14 years. I must highlight the punch's importance. It summarises their communication problems, their conflict. Eva clarifies it in 3.0 using the same parallelisms as other communication problems, like Gendo and Shinji.

However, we know how she feels. The Eva extra manga gives us that insight. She has feelings for Shinji but hates his inaction due to his internal struggles. The hedgehog's spikes have been replaced by a punch. If they can talk about the punch, they will start communicating.

From an external view, Shinji reacts to being force-fed in a way that probably is not what Asuka wanted. Shinji leaves the house, followed secretly by Asuka, in another display of how Asuka feels internally. It is another parallelism with Misato's apartment, again with a reversal of roles between Shinji and Asuka.

Parallelism

However, we will learn in future events that Shinji started to think about what Asuka told him at that moment, so he listened to her.From this point onwards, Shinji will deal with his thoughts and come to an understanding with himself. It is not achieved alone, but with the help of Rei and, although not directly, Asuka. She is the one who directs Rei to the place where Shinji is and continues checking on him to see that everything is going fine. She is there.

Asuka cares

When Shinji grows up and maturates, we have the first bidirectional communication attempt between Asuka and Shinji. While she asks Shinji if he feels better, he responds with only sounds. Yet, this is the first time they have tried to talk about their respective problems and emotions calmly. We will see this pattern repeat itself several times in the movie: Shinji grows a bit, and then Asuka opens herself another bit. It is very interesting to see Asuka's glare. Asuka is drawn with that glare whenever she is looking at Shinji in a positive/concerning him way. We will return to that later. Besides, she speaks to him without looking at her console.

All this healing process ends in a sentence that is easily overlooked. The night Kensuke is discussing with Asuka the plans to return to the Wunder, Shinji comes home and says, "I am home". It is the reflection of Shinji's complete healing. Thanks to his growth, he has found a new place where he belongs once more. It let us understand why he will consider that this place is important for Asuka too. Both have suffered the same parental love deprivation, lacking a place where they truly belong. Finding a place that they can call home is part of their way to happiness and usually happens before both connect.

The film also let us see how Shinji heals, comparing it with the healing of one of the village's dogs

Now, Shinji is ready to go with Asuka to the Wunder and start a transformative journey for himself and those around him. But first, let me post a few more details, some of which I had not noticed until doing some research on the internet:

Visual comparisons that highlight the similar role of Kensuke as Kaji (Parental role)

2. Asuka's scarf to hide her DSS choker.

3. The possible futon share between Asuka and Shinji, showing how she cares about him.

Chapter 2: A trip in the Wunder

The most relevant scene for their relationship in the Wunder is Asuka's confession. However, there are a couple of interesting interactions before that. The first one is the display of Asuka's jealousy of Sakura when she sees her interaction with Shinji, saying, "Are you his wife?"

The second one happens when Asuka meets Mari. While loaded with fanservice, this interaction is not trivial. Mari's teasing is an essential element in the Rebuild series, even more knowing how important the character of Mari will become at the end. She seems to be aware of Asuka's real feelings, and we know from the Eva extra manga that she tries to push Shinji and Asuka together, which I will come back to later. Asuka replies to Mari's teasing that Shinji "does not need a lover, he needs a mother". This sentence is a double edge sword. First, it shows Asuka's interest in Shinji as a romantic partner, given her deception, and actually, Asuka is saying this sentence while she is playing the videogame, so probably she is hiding her feelings, shutting herself oof the world as Shinji used to do. Second, it shows the problems they face: Communication and maturity. Maturity, because Asuka feels that Shinji has not changed as she has had, and communication, because as we will soon know, Asuka also wants that figure in her life. However, it is not true that Shinji has not grown up. It is just that they have not tried to communicate again, and thus, she does not know about Shinji's recent developments

Everything will change when Asuka faces the reality of possible death. Before the "final battle", she decides to reach out for Shinji. After Mari introduces herself to Shinji in an awkward way that will be important in the ending, Asuka repeats her question. In reality, she asks if he has thought about her, how she feels and everything she has gone through. To Asuka's surprise, Shinji answers the question, blaming his inaction. Taking this as a partial sign of maturity and growth, Asuka starts opening herself, although not wholly, a sign that Shinji's answer might not have been entirely correct. Besides, her body language is similar to the previous lift scenes in Evangelion, where we know she hid her real emotions.

She will equal what to tell Shinji to Shinji's growth. Therefore, she explains to him how she liked him 14 years ago, but not how she feels now. Furthermore, she leaves before Shinji can reply to her statement, leaving Shinji staring back at her through the glass. So, it is Mari again who makes us understand that this has been a sign of communication that goes in the right direction. She congratulates Shinji and stimulates him to continue like this. Again, Mari is trying to solve Asuka and Shinji's problems. Mari says goodbye in Chinese to Shinji (perhaps, a way to tell us that the spell of goodbye works, as they meet again later) and goes to do the same with Asuka, asking her if she feels better. Mari is trying to make Asuka see that opening herself to Shinji will bring happiness to her too.

Nevertheless, we must not forget that the short confession happened because Asuka thought this might have been the end. In a sense, it almost was.

Chapter 3: I need you

This chapter starts after Shinji and Gendo have resolved their issues. As I explained before, the need of resolving their parental matters will be critical to both Shinji and Asuka. The same happened in EoE. Asuka gets to know her mother in her battle against the mass-produced Eva, and Shinji learns about his father's plans and mother during instrumentality. After those experiences and their other interactions through instrumentality, they arrive at the I need you scene where they open to each other.

Gendo gets off the train, and the control of instrumentality is handed over to Kaworu. While Gendo was willing to sacrifice everything for his sake, the growth of Shinji reaches its maximum at this point. Shinji decides to take the reversal role of his father. Even if he is heartbroken or it is a hard and not a pleasant experience, he wants to help Asuka and those who were nice to him. This is the transformative journey that Shinji accomplishes in RoE that marks a completely different path from NGE+EoE.

I worded the sentence highlighting Asuka because those are the literal words of Shinji, naming Asuka as an individual and using the Japanese word "minna" for the rest, which could be the rest of his friends or even the rest of humanity. Shinji has learnt that he must give without seeking anything in return. He must stop thinking about himself only. He is going to help their friends without any positive repercussions on himself. As he later will explain, he plans to rewrite the world with the new spear given by Misato to get rid of the Evas and what they represent, stopping the cycle of suffering that comes with them, and let their friends live a happy life.

Symbolism of the spear

Interestingly, he does not explain this to Asuka and only mentions it to Rei, with some hesitation, which is what prompts him to tell her that Mari would come for him eventually. That behaviour is because for getting rid of the Eva and rewriting the world, he needs to impale himself with the spear inside Eva 01. While we do not know for sure the effects on Shinji, the way it is portrayed resembles a willing sacrifice, a person opening himself to that terrible outcome for a better benefit for their friends. Besides, we must not forget that the sync rate of Shinji with his Eva was infinite at that time, so probably the expected outcome would be the death of the pilot and he knew about that.

This situation is what gives us an essential context for understanding Shinji's actions. As Asuka earlier, he also thought that he might not return. But let’s see what happens with Asuka and Shinji.

The first to be saved is Asuka. As some sort of guardian for Asuka (and Shinji, and even Asuka/Shinji relationship), Mari reminds Shinji before he leaves her entry plug in the anti-universe that he has to find her. And he does.

There are many iconic and meaningful landscapes in Evangelion. Still, none of them has the symbolism, meaning, emotional associations and beauty as the beach where Shinji and Asuka laid at the EoE has. Although it is not the same beach and there are different details, the scene's meaning is clear. It was the scenario of One More Final: I need you. Thus, the location evokes that meaning, where Shinji and Asuka connected and expressed their emotions and feelings in EoE. To increase and highlight that intention, the first shot we have of the landscape is a full white moon, a remnant from the N3I. The moon has always been a poetic figure for love, and it brightens the sand creating the white beach. It is the perfect scenario to share an intimate moment.

Then, a saved, Eva curse-free Asuka awakes. The first sentence references the fact that the curse of Eva is lifted, and she can sleep. As some people detail, the plugsuit is a combination of different ones. This phenomenon will repeatedly happen in the anti-universe. Long story short, as I do not want to enter the terrain of the time loops and different universes, I believe that the idea behind that symbolism is that Evangelion is a multiverse. The anti-universe might somehow connect them, and we can see them. However, the characters remain the same from the universe where they come from. Only those annotated in the book of life remember those other universes or RoE time-loops (which seem to affect only the RoE universe and seem not to be confirmed in the other universes), and probably, as Shinji is in charge of the flow of events, the bleeding in his memories is what drives those changes.

The fact that Asuka wears a plugsuit that is a combination of previous ones, does not mean that she is Soryu or several Asukas at the same time. She is Shikinami, and it is the first time that she is on that beach. Her background and memories are from the RoE timeline, as she does not express, as Shinji will do later, any perception of that phenomenon. The same goes for their location. While they are on a similar beach, it is not the same where Soryu and Shinji found themselves in EoE. It is probably the bleeding of details between universes that wraps the metanarrative message that gives importance to the scenery (that beach is where they connected and accepted each other both in EoE and in this movie, and the place will always symbolise that)

Even those aware of other timelines (Kaworu and Shinji at that point) can only remember that they met before or have a déjà vu feeling. They do not have a complete insight into what happened. I think that this bleeding of details gives an important message: All the universes of Evangelion exist. Soryu and Shinji's story from NGE and EOE has happened, albeit in another universe, part of a larger multiverse. In a sense, it is saying that NGE+EoE is as canon as RoE, something essential to maintain coherency. The difference is that they happen in different physical planes of space and time.

Let's return to the fact that a grown Asuka is on the beach. The camera plays, repeating the same shots as in EoE, linking both scenes thematically again. Moreover, the visual links expands to other couples in Eva.

Here, Shinji sits next to Asuka, with his arms around his legs and a completely different gaze, making clear Shinji is happy to see her. The events follow this path:

Asuka sees Shinji next to her and calls him "Baka Shinji" in a not mean way. A way that shows us that despite calling him "Baka Shinji" time and time again, that did not mean that she truly hated him.

Shinji verbalises his happiness to see her again and says thanks to her for letting him know her feelings previously.

Shinji reciprocates the same feelings, using the past tense. Why? Well, at least this time is more straightforward than explaining why he choked her. Shinji has several reasons for this: First, it directly answers what Asuka told him earlier. And second, he wants to save and return her to the Eva free world, and thus, knowing that he might not return, hides his current feelings.

Asuka is surprised that her feelings are reciprocated. She blushes and turns to her left, hiding her real feelings at that moment to Shinji. In the next shot, we see a happy, blushed Asuka smiling.

The reaction of Asuka and all the previous evidence from the movie and the manga make it evident that she still has feelings for him. With his body language, Shinji is also transmitting to us that he is hiding his true feelings. Besides, a past tense confession for Shinji makes no sense at all. Shinji has been sleeping those 14 years. For him, those moments where "he liked" Asuka are only a few weeks or months ago from this moment on the beach. We will get the last evidence that Shinji still has feelings for Asuka, thanks to Kaworu. He, who is aware of all the timelines and universes, asks Shinji if he will feel lonely letting Asuka go. Shinji, with the same body language and a sad face, says no. We must link Shinji's behaviour to the fact I explained earlier. Shinji wanted to sacrifice himself for the happiness of Asuka and everybody.

This links with another idea. The scene is fast-paced. Once Shinji confesses his feelings, he says goodbye to Asuka and the Kensuke sentence. While this might be a reminiscence of Asuka's behaviour in the Wunder, allowing him to avoid any reply, that would have made things more difficult. However, his words are carefully chosen. We know from Rei's experiences in the village that "goodbye, is a spell of magic to see each other again. Despite his plans, Shinji's wish is to see her again

The meaning of goodbye

Then we have the Kensuke sentence. I wanted to talk about this in a simple way. Asuka needed the same parental role as Shinji, and through her experiences in instrumentality, she finds that she has that part of herself fulfilled by Kensuke. However, things get complicated if we start to notice some details. The fact that Kensuke calls Asuka "Asuka" instead of Shikinami and that the doll with Kensuke inside of it appears in the Rei scene has raised concerns that the Kensuke who appears in Asuka's instrumentality scenes is in fact Shinji, helping Asuka to find her place in a future world without him. In more detail:

All Asuka's scenes in instrumentality revolve around Shinji, nothing from Kensuke. It seems that Shinji wants to revert that and makes her conscious that she can find a place to belong and the parental role she needs, especially taking into consideration that he was about to die.

Instrumentality scenes comparison

She verbalises that she has no place to belong yet (despite living with Kensuke for some time), so Shinji wants to clarify that point for her.

It answers why Kensuke calls her Asuka and not Shikinami and why the doll appears again in Rei's scenes on the stage. Furthermore, it connects Asuka's memories with the beach scene, as it is after Kensuke says, "Asuka is Asuka" that she wakes up next to Shinji.

The original source of the theory for me was this video

In the end, from Asuka's instrumentality to the end of the beach scene, Shinji wants her to understand that she has a place to belong alongside the parental figure that she needs and that she is also loved by him, although he is going to let her go for her benefit. A true act of selflessness given his feelings. That is heart-warming and an actual act of love on his part.

Then, something happens amid the fast-paced scenes. The camera shows Asuka with an open mouth, sleeping(?) and Mari next to her. Wait. When did Mari come in? Why? I am not sure of the answers to these questions. It shows that Mari is more than we thought and has more knowledge about the anti-universe and what is happening. We do not know if this scene happens just after Shinji’s words or something has happened in the middle, as Asuka's expression seems not to match the last we see from her. Is there a deleted scene in the middle? Mari says her goodbye to Asuka. Mari has been a bridge between Shinji and Asuka and a close friend to her. In some sense, and continuing the parallelisms between Shinji and Asuka, she has been her Kaworu

Interestingly, Mari only appears to say bye to Asuka and not Rei or Kaworu. At the same time, Shinji only says sayonara to Asuka, the only character that does not have a handshake and a shutter closed. While there is no definitive answer to this fact, I believe it is crucial regarding the ending, as it will establish a continuity between the goodbyes and future gatherings, all directed by Mari, and that is why she appears probably (and she might be the one ejecting Asuka’s entry plug)

After Mari's take care, Asuka wakes up in the entry plug and is ejected by Unit 13. It is important to note that Asuka leaves without any kind of voluntary movement. She awakes in different locations and is the Eva 13 who ejects her. We do not know Asuka’s opinion about this at any time, or how she feels about being saved leaving Shinji behind.

Chapter 4: The sacrifice is stopped

After Kaworu and Rei's scenes, which I am not going to talk about, Shinji decides to carry out the Neon Genesis. We get to the moment where he is ready to sacrifice himself, in some sort of redemption of humanity's sins for creating the Evas and all the suffering that accompanied them. But then, Yui appears.

She stops the spear, protecting Shinji, and takes him out of the Eva 01. Yui’s wish is that he can live in that Neon Genesis world where the Evangelions do not exist, where people, and Shinji, can be happy. This moment changes everything. The plot twist will allow Shinji and Evangelion to have a happy and hopeful ending, thanks to Yui's (+/- Mari) plan.

The sacrifice of Shinji's parents for the sake of their child redeems them from the emotional deprivation Shinji has endured all his life. Shinji, mimicking the last instrumentality scene in EoE, returns to the anti-universe, now alone.

Chapter 5: Mari to the rescue

Shinji waits patiently on a blue water beach. Slowly, he starts to fade away in the anti-universe, as there are no others to relate with. This concept was explored both in EoE and at the end of the TV series. Then, Mari comes with her Evangelion to rescue him and take him back to the real world, now the Eva-free world, as promised to Misato. This is very important, as it highlights that Shinji is not going to a parallel universe. He is returning to the same world where his friends are (Asuka for sure, Kaworu will meet him again too, and Rei, honestly, it is not so obvious where she decides to go in her scenes, but probably too)

Mari's last Evangelion is important too. Contrary to Kaworu and Rei, I believe it is how Mari and Shinji returned to the ordinary world (probably with its entry plug, like Asuka). We might never know that. Then, the next scene is the opposite scene from Asuka in the entry plug, but with Shinji. Now we see an adult Shinji in a train station.

There are different questions to answer to understand what is happening in the ending. However, I think that the film's conclusion is the same regardless of the answer to those questions.The questions are:

Is the train scene set in the AU or in the real world?

Are Mari and Shinji the people we see coming out from the station?

Did Asuka arrive at Kensuke’s house or is she present there if that is the real world?

I tried to sum up the different theories in simple pictures.

My personal opinion just after watching the movie was that the first scenario was the most likely. However, after seeing different analyses, I am not 100% convinced and I cannot give my support to other theoriesyet.

The sources for the other theories are these

And the fact that the pilots might be illusions come from here

As you can see, regardless of the answer to the questions from above, they always end up meeting again. While this is not explicitly shown in the movie, I strongly believe it is the reason why Mari appears at the end scene. Mari is the beacon light that will guide him in this new world, and there is a lot of visual comparisons that prove this fact, comparing Mari to Misato, and knowing the role of Mari in Gendo and Yui’s life. Furthermore, a lot of people consider that the fact that Asuka is alone in the platform is a sign that she is there to be reunited with Shinji, as she has no partner and seems to be playing with something like her old videogame. All of this is enough evidence to stop thinking about this ending as “Shinji choosing Mari to live a happier life” or “to let go the past”.

Comparison

The role of Mari in Yui/Gendo life. A hint in her possible role with Asuka/Shinji

Mari and Shinji, Mari and Gendo, the same fate.

I am sure that Mari will reunite Asuka and Shinji. She has been a bridge between them since 3.0, and the Eva Extra manga gives more insight into that respect. Besides, she did the same with Yui and Gendo, and there are a lot of comparisons between Yui/Gendo and Asuka/Shinji in a visual way throughout the series.You will find Asuka glancing at Shinji with the same face and eyes expression as Yui did.

We have talked about this before.

While it would be interesting to know exactly how Shinji arrives there, the narrative conclusion that they will meet again, independently of what has happened to the world, will not change. This resonates with the title of the movie "thrice upon a time", as evidenced here.

There have been multiple Evangelion universes, both with and without Evas (EoE ends with a world without Evas, as the manga does) and in all of them, all of them, Asuka and Shinji meet again. And this is really important, as now they can communicate and have the chance of growing together and be happy.

Conclusion

Asuka and Shinji are two sides of the same coin, with different defence strategies in the context of the hedgehog's dilemma. Despite their mutual attraction, they are incapable of communicating and reaching each other. In EoE, it took almost the end of the world and humanity to understand that it is thanks to not living with the fear of pain and rejection that we can understand and accept others, ultimately overcoming the hedgehog's dilemma. This is expressed by the caress of Asuka to Shinji in EoE. This loving gesture shows us that the characters start understanding each other and have the chance to be happy together. EoE ending is a message of love and hope.

A/S relationship will represent this conflict wherever they are portrayed, in a cycle of desire/attraction, which leads to conflict and a resolution with understanding and love once they learn to accept each other and start communicating. In EoE is quite visual and displays both of them together at the very end. The manga is less explicit and more hinted at, but the scene at the train depicts how they connect in that new world where they will understand each other.

Thrice upon a time is not an exception to this rule. The last scene of EoE and the manga that involves Asuka and Shinji is the moment they connect, communicate, and change the way they treat each other. In 3.0+1.0 their final scene together is the beach scene, where they confess their mutual feelings in what is a never seen before sincerity and openness between them. Then, a world without Eva is created (in EoE this is exemplified by the crucified Eva and in the manga is more similar to the movie) and we know that Mari will guide Shinji to a safe return to that Eva free world and a gathering with Asuka and his friends. Despite not appearing on screen, all the narrative of the movie, and the whole of Evangelion, makes us understand that they will understand each other more and more and will be more honest towards their feelings, giving them the chance of being happy. As a consequence of that, the leitmotif of Evangelion is repeated once more.

The message of 3.0+1.0 is not about letting go of the past because you have grown up or let it go to move forward. The message is that it is thanks to going through those good and bad experiences that life gifts us, accepting the chance of suffering pain, that we can mature and learn. This learning will make us understand ourselves and those who surround us more, making us love ourselves and others, having, ultimately, the chance of being happy, loved and finding a place to belong to.

And it is in the middle of this struggle, that the love story of Asuka and Shinji shines, reminding us that humans can connect and be happy.

If they can overcome their problems, so will us.

Everybody finds love in the end.

One More Conclusion: Where is Anno's wife?

What a ride! I think I have written about almost all of Shinji and Asuka's interactions, perhaps leaving just a few ones at the beginning of the movie, and without the mention of Anno as Shinji or his wife as Mari in all the essay! While extremely popular, the theory that Mari represents his wife has many flaws and I still do not understand where it is based. From the character being designed without the supervision of Hideaki Anno to the direct denial from his wife, including that the theory does not match the narrative plot. While self-insertions and story developments related to personal experiences are not rare in storytelling, we cannot explain everything in Evangelion by metanalysis. While Anno's struggles with depression have shaped NGE+EoE, the development and growth of the characters in their own arcs are what matter when analysing them. Shinji might be inspired by his awful experience at that time, but as we said earlier, Asuke is shaped like Shinji, albeit with different behaviour. Therefore, we should accept that both of them are depictions of Anno and not only the masculine figure.

In the end, it is Shinji who rejects instrumentality, returns to the real world and is caressed by Asuka in EoE. The characters do that, not Anno. The same happens in this last scene. While the location of the train station and city is totally related to the director, what is going to happen to the characters in the context of the plot is an important thing to consider when analysing them.

From NGE+EoE to this last movie Shinji grows and understands the path to be happy always. This is not exclusive of the RoE saga because Anno has overcome his problems. Therefore, conclusions such as "now Anno is happier, so he wants Shinji to be happy" are not supported. What changed in RoE is that the growth of Shinji happens prior to the last impact and instrumentality, instead of growing after those experiences. This allows the portrayal of a lighter version of Shinji in those dramatic moments, resembling more a traditional hero who saves his friends, instead of letting them down and then coming to an understanding all together (because everyone shares a slice of the guilt cake) in instrumentality.

I believe that it would be more fruitful if we took into consideration his wife's work in the way that this tweet states, rather than engage ourselves in discussions about meta self-insertions.

I hope my words have helped those who felt like me after the release of the movie.

Thank you very much for all your time reading this.

#Evangelion #Rebuild of Evangelion #Shin Evangelion #asuka shikinami langley #Shinji Ikari #asushin #asuka x shinji #shinji x asuka #las #everybody finds love in the end #thrice upon a time #evangelion 3.0+1.0 #Asuka and shinji will meet in all evangelion universes

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ninyard · 3 years

Note

part two of the stefan/andrew au PLEASE

WELP this might not be the part two people wanted but here’s what I wanted so~ enjoy!

(Part 1 ? is here)

((this got rly long so I had to stop but if u want a third part lmk 🥺👉👈))

Neil made his first mistake by not bolting the opposite way when Coach Hernandez told him he had visitors. An Exy racquet to the chest and a single glance at those bright hazel eyes turned Neils entire world sideways in seconds. This couldn’t be happening. Neil almost couldn’t hold back the ‘Andrew?’ that wished to escape his lips. Of course, this wasn’t Stefan’s Andrew, but Neil knew that already. Life had turned Andrew Minyard into a man of manufactured emotions, a life of violence and misled decisions landing him on Coach Wymack’s pity party guest list that was the Foxes’ lineup. Andrew didn’t flinch looking at Neil, and Neil begged the universe to have erased the memory of Stefan from Andrew mind. He hung around a motel, for Christ’s sake, how many other people would he have met before and after Stefan? Neil Josten looked totally different, with puberty, hair dye and new contact lenses on his side.

The second mistake he made was not realising Kevin Day was going to be around. If Andrew wasn’t dangerous enough, Kevin was even more so. Neil couldn’t believe his eyes the moment he looked closely at the teams lineup from the previous year. Kevin Day would have forgotten Nathaniel Wesninski, he was sure of it, but to look across to a picture of the teams goalkeeper and seeing the short blond boy he met in California? It was a sure sign for Neil to stay the hell away from South Carolina.

Neil’s biggest mistake was deciding to push his luck and take a plane there to sign with the Foxes. He was signing a death wish; but he didn’t care anymore. He was a dead man walking, living off stolen hours. It was only a matter of time before someone caught up with him. His mother was dead, god, his mom, Mary Hatford, the woman who taught him how to be. It wasn’t just like Debby, who died leaving Toronto, or Alice, who died leaving London, or Judy who died on the train between Germany and Prague. This was permanent, and Neil didn’t think he could run for much longer.

Andrew didn’t say anything during their meeting, in which he had plenty of opportunities to at least look like he recognised Neil, or the features of Stefan still left on his face. Kevin didn’t say anything either, and his words made it clear he didn’t remember Nathaniel, either. Neil was walking a thing line between life and death, with Stefan on one shoulder and Nathaniel on the other, waiting to tip him over, to expose the truth, to leave him buried like his mother.

The first night Neil slept - or more so lay on the couch in silence for hours, brain filled with noise and regret - in David’s apartment, he couldn’t stop thinking about Andrew. He couldn’t stop thinking about the kid with white-blond hair and a toothy smile, who ran his fingers so gently over Stefan’s skin, like he would break if Andrew dared get any closer. He couldn’t stop thinking about the playground, and the motel, and the kisses… and the punches, the kicks, the pulling of hair, the slaps across the face with yells to accompany them. Before Neil knew it he was stuck with his face hovering over the toilet bowl, his stomach threatening to burst at any moment. After a minute of gagging and spitting into the water, Neil washed his face and headed towards the balcony that David told him to smoke on if he needed to. This was one of those needing to moments.

Weeks went by without any indication he was going to be caught. Kevin looked at him like a stupid amateur, which was good for Nathaniel’s sake, but for Neil? Neil, who fought like his life depended on the racquet in his hands? Neil, who ran like his father was hot on his heels every single time he set off down the court? It hurt him to be insulted so often, but Kevin was leagues above him when he played. Neil was never going to be good enough. Andrew avoided him as much as possible. Nicky told him that was just how Andrew was; if you brought him no benefit, or if you made him bored, he would put you on a high shelf and never look at you again. By the way Andrew only spoke to Neil when Neil stood up to Kevin, Neil thought it was obvious that Andrew didn’t recognise him.

And then came the invite to Columbia.

“Get rid of the contacts, by the way.” Nicky had brushed off the realisation like it was nothing. It sounded like ‘you have something in your teeth’ but felt like a screaming siren above Neil’s head. It felt like a punch to the gut, like a gun to his head. “Andrew’s decision. And brown, Neil? You’re so predictable and boring it’s adorable.” He’d left a bag of clothes with Neil.

When Neil looked at his blue eyes, he felt too many feelings he couldn’t describe, or name. He felt like he was looking at his father. He felt like he was looking into the mirror like he had the last time he was Nathaniel. The last time he was in Baltimore. He’d cycled through the catalogue of contacts during his time on the run, but never once went back to blue. They were the icy eyes of a murderer, not the eyes of quiet, boring Neil. But at least they weren’t green. Neil was worried about Kevin recognising him by his eyes, but it was going to be dark out by the time they left. Neil would just have to stay in the dark around Kevin, and hope he got too drunk to notice, too drunk to remember.

When Andrew’s group came to pick Neil up, there was a change in dynamic Neil hadn’t seen before. Instead of Nicky being the middle man in their conversations, or Kevin being the reason to talk, Andrew was taking charge of their night. Neil’s heart raced every time he looked into his eyes. Every time he heard that voice it told him to run, the same voice as before, only deeper, emotionless. Neil couldn’t imagine this Andrew crying. Neil couldn’t imagine this Andrew being open, about his sexuality, or his feelings. If he didn’t look almost the same only older, he would probably doubt this was even the same Andrew.

“Oh! Oh, now, that’s interesting!” Andrew had commented as Neil left his dorm room. Nicky, Aaron and Kevin had walked ahead of the two of them. When they’d disappeared around the corner into the elevator down, Andrew turned and grabbed Neil’s face to inspect it. “What a change, hmm? Blue to brown is a bit drastic for fashion, don’t you think?”

“I’ve never liked my eyes,” Neil spoke through the fingers that rested over his lips. “I’ve worn them brown most my life.” Andrew tutted as Neil spoke, but left that thought there. His features were angry, like Neil had insulted him, but he S miled like he’d been talking to his best friend. He placed a cigarette between his lips as they joined the others in the elevator.

Before long, they were walking through the doors of Eden’s Twilight, music pumping and swirling through the air, vibrating their bodies as they walked. Andrew motioned for Neil to follow him to the bar once they’d found a table.

“Shots on me.” He’d come down from his manic high, waiting for his dust adrenaline to kick in. His smile was gone, but his tone and way of speaking was still the same. “What do you drink?”

“I don’t,” Neil answered, having to yell over the music.

“Sure you do.” Andrew waved him off. “I’m being polite. What do you drink?” He asked again, as the bartender came over.

“A coke for me.” Neil told the man behind the bar before he could ask Andrew. “Just a little ice.”

“See, now, Pinocchio, when someone offers you a gift you say thank you and accept it.” Andrew turned towards the man. “Roland. This is Neil. He’s a newbie.”

“I hear you,” Roland nodded, already placing shot glasses on the tray he’d put on the bar. “My choice, with dash for the new kid.” He poured a clear spirit into eight shot glasses, and used the fountain tap to fill a larger glass with cola. Andrew passed cash over and waved off his change as a tip. Before Neil knew it he was heading through the crowd, Andrew balancing the tray on one hand held high above his head. They reached the table and nothing has spilled, and before Neil knew it, the shot glasses were stacked in a tower on the tray as Neil nursed his coke.

“You don’t drink.” Andrew turned to Neil after watching the others take to the dance floor, coming up on their high, dusting when they couldn’t be seen. “Why?”

“Hate the taste, mostly.” That would be the truth if ‘taste’ actually meant ‘feeling of being out of control of my body’. He shrugged at Andrew’s dissatisfaction with that answer.

“You come to university and you don’t drink?” Andrew scoffed. “Do you smoke?” Neil shook his head. He’d tried an edible by accident once in some cafe in Europe, and got so paranoid they had to move on that night. He swore he saw his dad staring in the windows in the red-light district, a blunt between his lips, a smile made of murder wrapped around it.

“Not for me.” Neil took a sip from the cold coke. “Hard to find when it’s not legal and I hate the cops. Takes too much effort to roll.” Neil lied, like he knew what he was talking about, but he just remembered watching people in the cities he went to, everywhere having their local stoners, the folks who sat in the parks without a care in the world.

“You don’t drink, you don’t smoke, you won’t dust.” Andrew rattled off the options. “Is it molly you’d prefer?” And when Neil shook his head again: “Psychedelics? Benzos?”

“I’m just not interested.” Neil looked into his glass, focusing on the ice. If he kept looking at Andrew he felt like he would crack. “Don’t we get tested before games anyway? What’s the point?” Andrew didn’t answer before he heading back up the bar. Neil didn’t follow this time. When he came back, there was ten shot glasses on the table. Again, eight filled with an unnamed spirit that burned Neil’s nose and twisted his stomach. The other two were cola.

“I’d hate for the new boy to feel left out.” Aaron, Nicky and Kevin had arrived back to the table for their shots. Andrew handed Neil one of his glasses. Neil knocked it back when the others did. It was ordinary coke, no surprises, no weird tastes, no reason for Neil to believe Andrew would have given him a shot of alcohol instead. That was, until he clinked glasses with the others and swallowed the second shot in a quick movement. He felt the alcohol burn his throat. It warmed his chest, but the familiar feeling wasn’t what worried him. It was the taste of salt on his tongue when he hadn’t licked any before hand. He quickly excused himself from the table and left for the bathroom.

Andrew had drugged him. He didn’t know why, but all he knew was the crackers were already coursing through his veins with deadly adrenaline. He was sure his racing heart wasn’t helping. It didn’t help, either, when Nicky reached the stairs before he did, and pulled him in for a salty, dusty kiss. Neil pushed him off as discreetly as he could.

“Nothing?” Nicky complained as he Neil bounced up the sticky stairs two steps at a time. Neil was sure he heard him say something about Neil being too hot to be straight, but the roaring anxiety in his ears was enough to drown it out. He locked himself in a stall and tried to best to throw up. He hadn’t eaten before he’d left, and he hadn’t drank anything other than he soda, so his attempts were fairly futile. A knock at the door interrupted him, and when he answered with a quick ‘occupied!’ He heard the door unlocking from the outside. Andrew pushed his way into the cramped stall and shut the door behind him. Before Neil could even begin to object Andrew had grabbed him by the collar and shoved him against the wall, Neil struggling to keep his balance with the toilet in the way.

“You don’t like the taste of alcohol or you’re afraid of losing control? Telling your truths?” Andrew’s drug induced smile had returned with mischief and malice. “Let’s see how this does!” His voice was low as he spoke, with an enthusiasm to his words that made Neil sweat. When he went to protest, Andrew covered his mouth with his free hand.

“Shut up,” He clicked his tongue. “You have spent your entire extended stay here lying to me and lying to poor, gullible Coach. I see the way you look at Kevin, too. Either you’re lying about not swinging or there’s something deeper to that intimidation.” Neil tried to get out a ‘I don’t swing.’ Before Andrew shushed him again. “Don’t keep lying, newbie! One last chance at honesty.” He lifted his hand no more than an inch from Neil’s mouth. Neil was sweating, his hands shaky, his mind turning into fog, desperate to cling to any sort of euphoria it could find. When it’s search came up empty, it filled his stomach, his head, his hands, his feet, with anxious buzzing instead. He couldn’t ignore the nauseating feelings the drugs brought with them.

“I don’t swing,” Neil stood his ground. “I don’t.” Andrew brought his hand up to Neils hair and yanked him down to his level, hard. He kept an inescapable grip in his curls as their faces almost touched.

“Still don’t know?” Andrew pouted in fake-pity. “Ten years later and you still don’t know?” Neil’s stomach would’ve fallen from his body if it’s got the chance. His heart would’ve went with it when Andrew continued. “There better be a good reason for Neil existing, Stefan, and I can’t wait to hear it.”

“What?” He tried, but it was no use. His voice failed him, cracking as the futile attempts at lying left his lips. “I don’t know what-“

“Shut up.” Andrew repeated. His grip not relaxing. Neil was worried he was pulling his hair from the root, but that was probably the least of his worries. Probably. “Do not lie to me again.” Neil searched his eyes for a sliver of doubt. A tiny, tiny possibility that he might think he was wrong. It wasn’t there. He’d been caught.

“Andrew.” He wrapped his hands around Andrew’s wrist, the one hovering over his head, muscles tense from the grip on his head. “Can we talk without ripping my fucking hair out?”

Before Neil could react, Andrew had let go of his hair, but in doing so, had swung his head with full force into the side walls of the stall. His balance finally failed him, but Andrew caught him by the neck of the black turtleneck he’d been gifted. He heard a few stitches pop, but it didn’t matter. The sudden movements turned Neil’s stomach with a violent wave, and he gagged hard, his stomach threatening to come out his mouth. He leaned over to spit into the toilet and bared his teeth at Andrew, breathing heavily through them.

“So he lives,” Andrew smiled, his pupils blown, a white-knuckled hold on Stefan-Neil’s collar. Neil was afraid he was going to pass out. His body was on fire, his mind screaming like an emergency broadcast alarm. “Tell me you didn’t know, oh humour me! I’d hate to think you’re stupid enough to come here still in possession of the memory from there.”

“I didn’t think you’d remember.” Neil didn’t break eye contact.

“So you ARE that stupid!” Andrew pushed him back, letting go of his top. Neil tried to assess his escape routes, but it was no use. He couldn’t get out of this. “I remembered little Stefan the second Kevin showed me your file. I didn’t think it would be you, surely it couldn’t be, but our little visit to fuckport, Arizona couldn’t lie to me like you did. So is it Neil, or is it Stefan?”

“Neither.” He spat out the honesty, worried if he waited, another lie would take it’s place. “But you can call me Neil.”

“Oh, no, no!” Andrew grabbed him by the neck, holding his jaw in a way that could become a choke very quickly. “Maybe I’ll stick with Stefan. You don’t get a say. You know, I thought mommy killed you.” A knife twisted in Neil’s gut.

“She’s dead.” Neil tried to breath through his unwanted come-up. “That’s the only reason I’m here. Because she wasn’t alive to stop me.”

“Did you do it?” He held Neils face like the world would end if he let go. He held even tighter when Neil tried to pull away.

“No.” That was all he said. He thought about continuing, considering the fact he was a dead man already. But he stopped himself. How could he say it was his dad without saying he was the mafias right-hand-murderer? Was he wasting his time lying?

“Didn’t think you did.” Andrew laughed, barely even blinking as he intimidated Neil. “No balls then, no balls now.”

“I was twelve.” He spat through crushed cheeks. “We were kids.”

“Old enough to be a liar.” Andrew let go of Neil’s face with a forceful push and turned to open the stall door. “You’re going to lead us outside. If you deviate or try to run I’ll kill you. I will kill you.” So Neil did just that. He led the way in silence, down the stairs and towards the exit. When Nicky stopped and excitedly asked where they were going, Neil looked back to Andrew who waved his pack of cigarettes, a smile on his face, no essence of a lie present. Neil just kept walking, kept his head down, and tried to ignore the pain on the side of his head. When they reached the outside of the club, the brisk air biting their exposed skin, Neil turned to the first man he saw, a club-goer at the top of the queue, and swung a punch up. Andrew noticed the second his hands left his sides, balled up with a plan. The man threw a hefty punch back, shouting intimidations, knocking Neil’s short frame to the ground. As quick as humanly possible, Andrew had hoisted him up, wrapped his arms around his back and twisted his wrist in such a way that a single jolt would break it. He held him in that position with one hand, putting all his strength into keeping Neil still.

“He gets crazy on tequila!” Andrew laughed, shaking his head as he took out his wallet and pulled out a fifty note. He threw it at the guy as compensation, his friends holding him back from beating Neil’s vulnerable, ballsy ass. He continued yelling as Andrew hauled him away. He grunted in pain as he refused to loosen his grip on Neil’s wrists. He walked him around the back of the club, to an empty, barely lit parking lot. He threw him to the ground so quickly he didn’t have time to stop his fall.

“Every moment I spend around you, you prove you’re much fucking dumber than I thought.” Andrew spat down, then crouching down to Neil’s level, balancing on the tops of his feet. Neil cradled his head, arms wrapped around the nape of his neck. He was sure he had a concussion. He could barely open his eyes through the pulsing blood rushing through his head, but forced himself to, to look up at Andrew’s smiling face.

“What happened?” Spit dripped down his chin, blood slowly trickling from the busted lip he’d earned himself. “What happened to that Andrew?” Andrew froze for half a second, and Neil noticed. “The Andrew who cried because he was gay? The kid who actually fucking cared about anything?”

“Oh, you are treading thin fucking ice for someone who doesn’t know how to swim.” Andrew tilted his head. “Mention another precious memory and I won’t hesitate to actually break your wrist next time.”

“Why?” He spat blood at Andrew’s feet. “Afraid somebody might remember what you’re actually like when you’re not pretending to be a sociopath?” Andrew opened his mouth at the challenge, a smile creeping up one side of his face. “Are you afraid to actually have someone around you know anything about you? I’m a threat. That’s all you care about.” He continued. “What, do you think I’ll use it against you? You’ve been treating me like shit since we met. If I was going to stab you in the back I’d have done it already, asshole.”

“Since we met, again.” He corrected the most irrelevant part of Neils sentiment.

“Let me go now and I’ll move on. You won’t ever see me again.” Neil bargained. Andrew’s eyebrows twitched ever so slightly. “This time I’ll get a chance to say goodbye.”

“No,” Andrew stopped him. “You don’t get to arrive in to my life like a tornado and disappear. You don’t get to dig your own grave and push me into it.” He bent down to get closer to Neils shaking face. “You’re going to tell me exactly what happened first. Tell me what she did to you.”

“No.” Neil strained. “I moved on. You were dangerous. You almost got me killed.”

“Boohoo, do you hear my tiny violin, liar?” Andrew grabbed a hold of his hair again. Neil let out a cry of pain, trying to pry Andrew’s fingers from his scalp. “Talk. Talk or I will get you killed.”

“My father is a very dangerous man. He’s murdered more people than there are days in a year.” Neil wiped the blood from his lips. It stung as he did so, but it didn’t matter. He took out a small stack of IDs from his wallet and threw them across to Andrew. For a second, anyone would’ve thought they were real, but closer inspection killed that thought. Andrew was holding a driver’s license belonging to Chris Angle, 21, from New York. A European passport card signed by George Debois from Paris. A gym membership from Seattle, an employee pass from Toronto, two more drivers licenses from cities across the globe. All the names were different, but they didn’t belong to different people. They all had pictures of Neil on them. Some he had long hair, short hair, an unfortunate buzz-cut. He wore a beard in some, the baby face of a teenager in others. “You aren’t the only one I’ve lied to. Don’t think you’re special.” Andrew snapped the IDs with angry force. Neil took a deep breath, knowing the last memories of his mother were buried in the face of Christopher Hart, snapped in half, just like that. He continued searching through his wallet. Deep into the card pockets of the tattered leather. He didn’t look up when he heard Andrew drop the scraps of his identities on the ground. Neil found what he was looking for and threw it again, across the space separating them, it clattering by his feet. “If my mom found that she’d have killed me herself. We ran so she could protect me. I made that so much harder on her by meeting you.” Andrew inspected the card he’d been thrown. An under-eye twitch and a slow inhale accompanied his realisation. “You want to hate me for what she made me do, fine, but it was inevitable. You were never going to be the reason that made us stay.”

Neil had given Andrew something he couldn’t bare to part with. His old wallet stayed buried deep, deep in his belongings, so well hidden his mother hadn’t even known it existed. He usually kept his current IDs on his person, and never in a wallet. It was a ticking time bomb, but Neil needed something. He needed a reason to feel, and if that was the memory of the good day his mom had had when they finally showered after weeks of baby wipes and deodorant, it was something to hold on to. Neil had to stay grounded in some sort of reality. He was on the run, sure, but the people he met, the things he’d done? They were real. It hurt to see those memories snapped on the ground like trash, but Andrew didn’t snap the memory he held in his hands.

Andrew held the library card of Stefan Montgomery. It had a faded black and white photo on it, scratched out with time. He had begged the librarian to let him have the card without taking a picture, but she had insisted it was necessary so people didn’t have more than one. In the photo was a scared little boy, a gash on his cheek, with crispy curls and a skinny face. Neil remembered walking to the library when he couldn’t find Andrew, taking out books to help him learn any of the languages he needed to know. The library in Oakland taught him about the history of Spain, and the culture in France. There was something about Stefan that Neil didn’t want to forget. He’d kept that library card safe as if it were a lifeline, like he knew it would come in handy some day.

And then Andrew threw it across the empty parking lot like a frisbee.

“She didn’t see anything.” Neil tried, as if it would help. “We left because I made a friend. Not because… you know.”

“I was not your friend.” Andrew stood up and put a cigarette between his teeth. He lit it, one puff, two puff, three puffs until it burned red. “I was never your friend.”

“You were.” Neil struggled to stand up and join him. “Don’t lie to a liar.”

“You remember it wrong!” He took a short drag and flicked ash as he spoke. “You were a toy to play with when there was nothing else to do.”

“You could’ve went home.” Neil took the cigarette from Andrew’s fingers. “But hey, I wasn’t the only one who needed to escape heavy hands, right?” He pulled the smoke into his lungs and breathed out before flicking the barely smoked cigarette away. “You were my friend. You had Stefan killed because I cared about you when Stefan wasn’t supposed to care about anybody.”

“Be quiet.” Andrew pulled another cigarette from the packet and squared up to Neil who was standing so close he could feel Andrew’s breath hot on his face. “You didn’t care.”

“Are you listening?” Neil spat again, the heat of the cigarette having hurt his cracked lips. “We left because of you. Because I let you in, and I’m sorry you were collateral damage in our war against the world but fuck, we didn’t have a choice. Do you think I wanted to leave? I was going to leave you a note, but she wouldn’t leave my side until we were in another city and Stefan was just another name in the pile. Fuck you if you don’t want to believe that. I don’t owe you an explanation but you’ve got one anyway. Tell me to leave and I’ll go. Tell me you understand and I’ll go, Andrew.”

“I waited for you.” Andrew exhaled honestly through cigarette smoke. “Every day! The fourth day I tried knocking on the door of your motel room. Fifth day a random couple opened the door and I knew you weren’t coming back. Why should I give you another chance, hmm? When you so easily could run away before, who’s to say you won’t do it again?”

“I’m not asking for another chance,” Neil head was pounding. He felt like he could pass out, his ears ringing and body jittery. “I don’t know, maybe I’m asking you to remember what I meant to you.” Andrew pursed his lips at that. He was struggling to keep his composure, like the memory of before was chipping away slowly at this version of Andrew. He was holding himself together with twitches and small fidgets.

“I hate you.” He said, coldly. He had lit his cigarette and smoked through half of it before speaking again. Neil just stood, suddenly thinking about if Kevin were to find the IDs scattered on the floor. He didn’t even think he could lie to Nicky about that. He would pick them up in a moment, but he couldn’t afford to lose Andrew’s interest in the conversation. If Neil got distracted now he could ruin every chance he possible had at reconciling some sort of relationship with Andrew.

“I hate what the world has turned you into.” Andrew snorted a laugh at Neil’s dramatics.

“Oh, you are a pipe bomb.” Andrew started to walk away, but when Neil grabbed his arm to stop him, in a quicker movement he had twisted Neil’s arm in some sort of self defence move that hurt. “You don’t have a right to touch me anymore. Keep your lying hands to yourself or I’ll break every one of your fingers.” He didn’t let go immediately.

“Do you miss it?” Neil searched Andrew’s eyes for something, anything. “Being vulnerable? Being comforted instead of being alone, blaming the world for your problems?” Before Neil could even think to keep going, Andrew had used his free hand to manoeuvre a knife from his arm bands and hold it up to Neil’s face.

“I dare you to keep pushing.” His words were casual, but a threat nonetheless. “Stop trying to control a life you left. I won’t be a scratching post for your mommy issues, runaway.”

“What did Jakub do to you?” Neil brought a memory out from the depths. As soon as the name left his lips, Andrew’s entire body hardened and his eyes turned to glass. He slashed a cut into Neil’s cheekbone without hesitation and proceeded to let go of his arm and jam a thumb into the fresh wound. “Why did you spend your childhood alone in a playground?” Neil spoke through gritted teeth.

“If you want to keep your fantasy alive I advise you to really shut up now.” Andrew pushed him backwards, a final squeeze in the gash as he did so. Even more blood dripped down his face. Andrew wiped his hands in his pants and picked up the ignored cigarette he’d dropped in the altercation. “You are going in circles. This is your last warning.”

“My mom nearly broke half the bones in my body trying to get rid of the memory of you.” Neil took his spot back up so close to Andrews face he could practically see every one of the pores in his face. He still had freckles scattered across his face, his skin soft, with faint acne scars here and there across his cheeks. “I never stopped thinking about you.”

“You should have.” Andrew threw his cigarette at Neil. “Make your choice. Run like you’re used to.” He looked him up and down one more time and turned on his feet back towards the club. Neil didn’t follow. He started to pick up the remnants of his past and he felt his nose ache in psychosomatic pain, remembering a nose-breaking punch his mother threw when Neil dared asked if they could stay. He spat again, still trying to get the salty taste out of his mouth. His hands were shaking so badly he could barely hold onto the shards of plastic evidence of who he used to. After picking them all up he had to stop, and sit down. He was afraid he was having a panic attack, and he couldn’t tell if it was because of the drugs still ravishing his system, or if it was because of Andrew. Maybe it was both. It probably was. He didn’t think he could’ve spoken the truth if he wasn’t high, but God, if he were sober it would’ve been so much easier to run. High Neil was emotional Neil, empathetic Neil, hurt Neil. He’d only had the experience of being really, genuinely high a few times, and every single time just reminded him how much he hated the feeling of being out of control. Of his nerves, his feelings, every fibre in his being misfiring and doing the opposite to what he wanted. His brain was begging him to feel the chemicals it was pumping out, but all it did was amplifying the aching feeling in his chest. He let out a noise that didn’t quite resemble a cry, or a sigh, or a grunt. It was a noise born from pain, a mixture of anxiety and heartbreak, maybe. He wasn’t sure what that felt like. Maybe this was it.

He tried to steady his breath and he stumbled across the empty lot. The booming bass from the music at Eden’s practically shook the ground as he walked, at least, it sure felt like it did. He stumbled as he reached down to pick up the library card so carelessly thrown away. It hurt him even more looking at Stefan, feeling this pang in his stomach that wished things could’ve been different. He didn’t think he liked Andrew like that, and being on the same team was just the destruction of a childhood crush. Neil tried to come up with excuses in his head to how Andrew felt, but it was obvious he had thrown Stefan into the bad memories pile a long, long time ago. Neil showing up again just ripped through Andrew’s closure, and knowing he had feelings beneath what he showed, he was probably hurting too. It didn’t seem like it, but maybe he was. Neil had put the ID away, and looked around. He had no real idea where he was, or how to get home. Before he knew it, he was sprinting away from the club, going nowhere, going anywhere but there. His head wasn’t in a place to decide that he should stay. He’s worth it. His heart raced at the thought of Andrew’s face, looking down at the long unused library card. He’s worth it. Neil couldn’t look back. He was wondering what Andrew was telling the others, and if they would believe him. He wondered if he’d told Nicky about Neil’s Idontknow sexuality, and that’s why Nicky thought it okay to kiss him. But he didn’t feel anything with Nicky. He didn’t look at anyone in the way he looked at Andrew. He ran and ran and ran until he’d sweat out the drugs, until his head was more focused on trying to breathe than it was on Andrew, and his mom. It took a while, and he was lost when he stopped. Unfamiliar streets, him a stranger in someone else’s hometown. Maybe that made things worse. This feeling was too familiar. Lost, lost, lost. Sometimes lost became familiar, became home. He didn’t think he could be un-lost again.

Part 3

#this is about older andy n Neil #so pls send an ask if u want more of them when they were young #cos I love Stefan + Andrew #Andrew minyard #Neil josten #andreil #tfc #aftg #the foxhole court #all for the game #andreil hc #just want ppl to read this bc I’m really happy with it :(

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maleyanderecafe · 3 years

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Hey there was a mobile game I wanted to recommend you check out! It’s called MazM: The Phantom of the Opera. Obviously the phantom himself is a well-known character and prime example of a yandere, and this version’s Raoul also takes on that trait a little (although it’s mostly because Christine is in a life or death situation and this he’s protective over her), he’s very sweet and doesn’t wait a moment to shower her with praise. Anyway it’s a pretty faithful retelling of the original book and was extra fun for me as a yandere-lover as you play as Christine caught in between the yandere and the actual boyfriend. I think it’s coming to the switch soon as well if you want to wait for that.

...Are you sure that Raoul just takes on this trait a bit...?

Joking aside, sorry it took me so long to answer this ask. I was originally going to watch a walkthrough on youtube, but then I realized that you said it would be on switch and since I just got my switch emulator, I ended up playing with a friend. I will say that there is a lot for me to say about this game, so this will be a long read.

First things first, I'll admit that I've never actually read or watched the Phantom of the Opera before, so I genuinely have no idea what happens in the story. This is where my friend who I was streaming for comes in because she has read the story so she helped fill me in on what happens (she's also making a yandere vn in the future which I will be spamming the heck out of because yandere vn). I think from what she told me, most of the story is relatively accurate, though some parts are changed for one reason or another (for instance, The Persian has a name in this game, but in the original, he doesn't), which has some pros and cons for some characters. Overall though, the story was pretty good for a first timer like me since it really let me experience what the Phantom of the Opera is truly about. I think the creator Mazm did a good job for historical detail, which makes sense considering their platform is about creating games that reinterpret famous stories (they've also done one for Wizard of Oz and Jekyll and Hyde which I sort of want to play), and there are a lot of different notes the player can collect in the game that give more historical insight into what is going on.

The story for the most part is pretty linear. There are some choices you can choose, but except for two, they don't really affect the story. For the most part, the game plays as a visual novel, though you do have to walk around to talk or interact with things to proceed the story. There are cats and notes that lie around the game too, with the notes giving more historical insight and the cats being used as hints in case you don't know where to go. The story is about a detective trying to find out the truth of the Phantom of the Opera at a request of a client whos husband was a victim of him, but most of the story is played through a flashback.

There are also small minigames as well that aren't too difficult, though I honestly felt like some of the minigames got to be tedious at times, specifically the one minigame where you have to press the order of the mirror combo which I found really annoying because besides the fact that I'm bad at those games, you had to do it every time you wanted to enter under the Opera house, which was just... ugh. The game itself seems much more optimized for mobile than it was for switch considering how slow the characters move (and its really slow walking to different places sometimes) as well as the fact that it takes forever to load between different scenes and there's no touch screen option for switch (that I know of). Plus the buttons for moving and pressing hints were annoying to deal with (though this could just be because I'm using an emulator). I also kept getting confused when I was playing, since sometimes I would walk around the entire opera house trying to figure out what to do next, only to learn that I was suppose to talk to someone that was literally five steps from where I spawned. The last thing I found annoying was the fact that there's no option to skip dialogue which is really annoying when I wanted to replay a specific part of the story to take some screenshots. If you play this game, it's probably better to play it on mobile than on switch.

In terms of artwork, Mazm's Phantom of the Opera is really gorgeous, from the overworld sprites to the dialogue sprites to the background and CGs. I love how cute the overworld sprites are (I think Jammes and Raoul's are my favorite, they're both so cute) and every background is really nice to walk through and gives a good atmosphere of what it's trying to show. The character sprites for each characters are nice and varied. I can always appreciate characters that have recognizable faces and shapes, since a lot of times I have face blindness when it comes to characters that look way too similar. The CGs of course are super well done and I love all of them. Overall, the artstyle of this game is very solid and I love the way it looks.

The main character of the story was Christine, who looks really good ( I really love her hair), was for the most part alright initially. While I found her to be a bit naive (because she believed that there was an actual Angel of Music when it was just... the Phantom), she was for the most part alright, and even ended up saving another character from the phantom. However, I found her actions annoying after she met the phantom, specifically the part where she agreed to stay underground with the phantom for two days and would be released as long as she didn't touch his mask, and guess what. Right as she was literally about to leave, SHE TAKES OFF HIS MASK, AND FOR WHAT? YOU WERE JUST ABOUT TO LEAVE?? The other thing that bothered me was the after being trapped with the Phantom for about a month, she is given free reign to go back above ground, under the conditions that she only goes to the opera house and at home. During this time, she's expected to break it off with Raoul, so she fakes a honeymoon with him before he leaves for the artic. However, during this time, she doesn't tell anyone, not even Raoul about what the Phantom is up to. She has an entire month, an ENTIRE MONTH to tell someone that the Phantom is likely to hurt people (as previously he had dropped a chandelier on top of the audience) and she just... didn't. Understandably, she might have been afraid that the Phantom might have heard her, but still, what is he going to do to the possible 100 people that Christine could have told about him. She could have saved people from death if something like that were to happen. Near the end, she does get proper character development and learns to choose things for her sake and not others, which was pretty nice and does stand up to the Phantom after all the trauma (and doesn't get stockholm sydrome, thank goodness), but I still think that a lot of her actions could have probably been written better to make her less naive (since apparently in the original she was about 16ish while in this remake she's about 20 so it's less awkward between her and the phantom).

Raoul is the next character I'll be talking about, because even though he is very adorable, he also has one braincell and talks about Christine way too much. My friend and I actually decided to make a counter on how many times Erik and Raoul say "Christine." Erik says Christines name 128 times and Raoul... says it 340 times. This isn't even counting his introduction and only starts up to when Erik is introduced as a formal character and also doesn't count any time he says it in the overworld. 340! My friend kept on joking around that because Raoul says Christine so much, his brother Phillipe became an alcoholic because he's so tired of Raoul talking about Christine. Raoul only really has like three things going for him: the fact that he was in the military, the fact that he's part of the Chagny household and Christine, and that's it. Throughout the story, his goals are pretty much always related to Christine, whether it be to give gifts to Christine, being worried about her or trying to protect Christine from the Phantom. When the chandelier drops on half the crowd during one of the performances, instead of being worried for them or trying to get out of the Opera House, he instead looks for Christine, who is on stage and quite literally in the safest location within the theater. I would consider him a redeemed/protective yandere though, considering his priority is always Christine (he even gives up his own family name to be with her) and he's always trying to protect her. There's a part of the story where Raoul becomes really unhinged when it comes to protecting Christine, lashing out her her friends and other members of the Opera house. He does some really dumb stuff because of the Phantom, specifically throwing away Christine's ring that she got from the Phantom (that she also literally told him before that as long as she's wearing the ring she wouldn't be harmed by the phantom and he just...?? okay??). When he's tortured in the mirror room, he hallucinates Christine blaming him for her capture, and he even cries while hallucinating that Christine friendzones him (which I though was actually really funny, even if it was a tad bit stupid). His redemption comes near the end of the story where he apologizes for being so emotional and realizing that he was a bit of an obsessive beast, and in one ending he lets Christine go to travel the world. To be honest, I don't know if Raoul would continue to be as protective and obsessed with her even after the Phantom's death, but I guess there's not really any way to know.

The Phantom, or Erik (which I know is his cannon name but it makes me laugh because he really doesn't look like an Erik) is the main villain of the story. Unfortunately, in this version, I don't think I can call him a yandere, for one simple character: Melek. Melek, as far as I know isn't in the original story, is a prisoner that Erik has after she refused to marry her. As a character, I do actually like Melek since she's the one of the more sensible characters in the story and she's the more rational one between her and Christine, but her role in the story basically deconfirms Erik as a yandere, at least in this version. For one, Melek is a blind maid of Erik that he did fall in love with and trap, similar to how Christine was, which kind of comes off as Erik being the kind of person who would trap any girl that he likes. Even if this is the case, I don't understand why Erik would keep her alive even after she fell for Christine. Supposedly the reason is that Erik wanted to make Christine feel despair and he did attempt to kill her, but Melek survives and he just... doesn't do anything with her. Honestly, if Melek were straight up not in the story, I would have put him as a yandere because pretty much all of his other actions point to a more possessive/worship type of yandere, but because of Melek it's just not possible in my eyes. Besides that Erik sort of reminds me of a chunni in this version (he's like this absolute darkness is my curse! Like people with 7th grade syndrom seem to have), it was kind of hard for me to take him seriously in certain times. He is very intimidating when he threatens Christine, but his overdramatic nature (which I know is something he's always known for, just this version is uh...) really makes him seem like a child. Erik is for sure suppose to be more antagonistic in this version, considering the addition of Melek and his general actions of possession towards Christine and his disdain for Raoul, but near the end we do see more of his story and we see just how devastating his life is from the moment of birth. I did feel really bad for him when Hatim/The Persian keeps on mentioning the prince he used to work with because its really obvious that he still has trauma from it (and he keeps begging him to not talk about his past and the Persian just... keeps traumatizing him I guess) and the fact that he was treated so badly because of his appearance, but this doesn't excuse his actions in the story. Christine does try to sympathize with him using her own tragic backstory, which Erik kind of pushes away (like bro, we're not trying to see whose parents are worse, she's just trying to sympathize with you, dang) as not being tragic. I think that Mazm did present him pretty well in this story, not showing just his antagonistic side but also his more tragic side. Sadly, like I said, I can't consider him a yandere because of the addition of Melek, at least not in this version.

In terms of other characters, I really like the trio of Meg Giry, Sorelli and Jammes- the friends of Christine. From what I can tell, they're all a bit more aged up in this version, with Sorelli being the oldest and Jammes being the youngest and I feel like they gave more character to them than in the original version. Sorelli is the head of the dancers and the dating partner of Phillip de Chagny, Raoul's older brother and she's the mature and strong willed one of the group, wielding a blade that she uses to protect her friends. I like the fact that they made her a bit more protective and in one of the overworld sprites its mentioned via rumor that Phillip fell in love with her after he saw Sorelli swing her dagger, which I thought was pretty cute. At the end though, after Phillips death, she realizes that she was struggling too hard to climb up the social ladder and decides to forge her own path. In the beginning she attempts to protect her and her friends from the Phantom, declaring that she'll stab him if she sees him. Next is Meg Giry, and from what my friend told me, she was very young in the original books and kind of scardy cat. In this version, she's a bit older but maintains the scardy cat position, and is very terrified of the Phantom. She does gain more character development during the story, standing up to her mother and the managers and overall being a more assertive and confident person, which I thought was a nice touch. Last but certainly not least is my best girl Jammes. In the original story, she barely makes an appearance, but in Mazm they made her quite literally the best character. For one, the canonical reason why there are so many cats hanging out in the opera house is that Jammes keeps on feeding them and letting them in and she has named all of them after the Opera House staff. Jammes loves to spin and has a cute animation and while she can be loud and a bit strange sometimes, she can be smart and assertive when she needs to. Jammes always pushes the other three into being better and protects them when needed (for instance, when Phillip lashes out at Sorelli, she steps in and demands that he apologize for his actions) and can be really smart at times (she's the only character that attempts to at least cover her mouth when the Phantom's fragrance, a hallucinogenic gas, starts to fill up the box seat, despite others who have been in there not even trying) and is the one who stands up for Christine's abuse as well as for the dancers at the opera house being treated unfairly by the manager as she organizes a strike against them. She also becomes part of the women's suffrage after the events of the story. I could go on and on about Jammes, but instead I'll leave a cute picture of her at the end of this entire analysis. Besides those three, I did like Carlotta, the original singing lead of the opera house. Originally, she became an antagonist towards Christine after she became the lead singer, however, she did apologize to her afterwards and befriended her once more before traveling the world. I love her interactions with Raoul because she basically said that Raoul only has Christine and military training and when he gets angry and lashes out, Carlotta glares and him, causing him to cower (this actually does happen multiple times), and I just found that really, really funny. Mifoid, though useless in the story is actually pretty cute as well, I love his bouncing animation. The last character I'll talk about is Phillip because he became meme material for me and my friend considering he probably is so tired of Raoul talking about Christine (we joked that the reason he was sent to military was so that he didn't have to hear her name again) and while he is mostly a decent but strict character in the story, his last appearance really makes him out as a jerk. I did think it was kind of weird that Phillip was so willing to let Raoul go to the Artic mission considering nobody that has gone there has ever returned, and he was rather elitest towards him, not letting him marry Christine because she's of lower

class but during his last chapter before he dies, he goes on a frenzy after he and Raoul have a fight, revealing to Sorelli that he only dated her for fun and not to actually settle down with her, which is just horrible. It's a bit sad though that Raoul only saw him as someone who tried to get rid of him considering that Phillip did raise Raoul and that his last actions were an attempt to save Phillip from the phantom, and yet Raoul barely has a reaction after seeing his body and doesn't even go to his funeral. It's really sad that Raoul didn't even really cry after seeing Phillip's body, considering that he was basically his father figure.

Overall, it's a good game to play and a good retelling of the Phantom of the Opera. I wouldn't consider the Phantom to be a yandere in this game, but I do think that Raoul is one. Thank you for this recommendation!

#asks #male yandere #yandere boy #yandere #recommendation

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inkdemonapologist · 3 years

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cONTINUING THE PLANNING FROM EPISODE NINE OF THE BENDY CTHLUHU GAME, we are all very good at being supernatural investigators, and definitely not just an animation studio that is way out of its league

A smattering of out-of-context quotes are under the cut!

[Sammy is played by me, Joey is played by Boo (inkyvendingmachine), Henry is played by Maf (inkcryptid), Jack is played by Mochi (whatyouwantedmetosee) and Thren (haunted-hijinxer) is our GM!]

[Joey] Once Joey's pretty sure he has Henry's awareness he's just going to point-blank ask, "You smeared your blood on one of the symbols?!" [Sammy] (OOOOOHHHHHHH SOMEONE TATTLED ON YOU!!!)

[Joey] What was my starting sanity? [Sammy] 67. [Joey] Okay... so I need to lose, um... [GM] I love this phrasing. [Jack] I mean, I was literally counting it down and announced the final sanity loss with, like, an excited toot emoji!

[GM] I think Jack would have to cooperate to wake up, but I don't know why he wouldn't. [Jack] Hm...... 5 more minutes, Joey....... [Henry] Jack will wake up uncooperatively! [Sammy] Jack just sitting next to his body like "...No."

[Jack] Prophet Sam was doing his best! [Sammy] He was! [Sammy] He's always Doing His Best, (Derogatory)

[Joey] We did manage to transfer the Host marking before... so we might be able to transfer it to Doc Moonlight? [Henry] I'll just punch him in the face again! [Joey] nO, you don't get to punch him! I mean, you can punch him, but you're not-- No More Hosting For Henry!! [Sammy] and I'd rather not travel through time again, if it's all the same.

[Sammy] Also, sometimes Moonlight carries the stone on his person! So if we can just beat him up, take the stone AND take the staff, then that's two... birds with one........ stone.

[Sammy] They don't even know who Peter is, he's not special. [Jack] ...Jack thinks he's special... [GM] But you know, not in the magic blood, prophet eyes kind of way, [Jack] He's only just met Joey Drew, give him five minutes. [Sammy] Well SO far, it sounds like the winning plan is to go back to sleep!

[Sammy] *makes suggestion out of character* [Joey] That's a great idea, and Joey's going to steal it from you, and also pitch it to everyone else. [Sammy] (...JOEY DREW IS GOING TO STEAL IT FROM ME? THE PLAYER???)

[Henry] Henry will go wherever he is wanted... [Henry] ...or he'll take another nap. [Sammy] See if you can astral project somewhere useful! [Jack] He astral projects, and it's just to the shops to buy sunglasses.

[Jack] Jack might go along, especially if it's Sammy; like, Sammy doesn't have a great time talking to people anyway, and on top of that, "Last time I was here, I was a weird crazy cultist who was drinking paint!" -- he might want someone around who, theoretically, can speak! [Sammy] Sammy needs a chaperone anyway, just in case weird things happen. [Henry] Henry will come! Between him and Jack, hopefully one of them will be able to form coherent sentences! [Jack] They'll just trade off which one's dissociating! [Sammy] I can't believe Joey is leaving to buy sunglasses, and we need ALL THREE OF THE OTHERS, PUT TOGETHER, to equal Joey's force in talking.

[Joey] Hold on, I need to look something up really quick... NO! FUCK! Sharpies didn't exist until 1964. [Joey] I'm just trying to figure out what we can... dammit! Permanent markers in general didn't exist until 1952!!! [Sammy] You can buy normal ink, probably. [Joey] I guess, yeah... probably a brush too, I'm just making a grocery list now, ...do we want to get a mat, or do we want to put the binding circle on the inside of a jacket-- I'm sorry, I keep going back to the inside of jacket thing-- [Sammy] NO! Because then we have to get the jacket off of whoever it's on and-- look, it just seems inconvenient. You can roll up a mat and just carry it. You can have a messenger bag it's stuffed into, it's fine. [GM] I guess your hands are free, though... [Sammy] You can have a messenger bag it's stuffed into and then your hands are free!! [Joey] *still researching* Messenger bags did not exist until the 1950s, so those are also not an option. [Jack] We just need to put the binding circle on a pair of converse, clearly.

[Jack] Sammy can fast talk, it's just the wrong kind.

[Sammy] We suspect the ritual is the finale to their party. [GM, as Allison] She is impressed by their ambition, but she's like, "Well, we can't have that. That won't do." [Jack] (I LOVE ALLISON,) [Sammy] Sammy assures her it's actually a pretty sloppy operation. [Jack] From what we can tell, they don't know what they're doing. [Allison] Amateurs. Anyway, thanks for the update!

[Joey] It's just a little more money! [Jack] (distant sound of Grant sobbing) [Sammy] We gotta stop going on these trips; that's what's going to do Grant in. [Joey] Grant is actually the antagonist for the next scenario

[Jack] That's not supernatural, that's just Joey Drew. Supernaturally incompetent with money.

[GM] Everyone make a Spot (Hidden) check! [Sammy] (Okay, Norman, come out,)

[Jack] I thought you were going to say that Henry makes the cat activation noise. [Sammy] How many different things can we give Henry! WHAT SUPERNATURAL QUALITY WILL GIVE HENRY THE CAT ACTIVATION NOISE? [Jack] You need Sillytime for that, clearly! [Sammy] ...I don't know if Sammy makes the cat activation noise... [GM] The Fabled and Feared Sillytime Henry.

[Henry] I have to ask, has Peter been told about Bendy? [Joey] Kind of? [Sammy] Kind of.

[GM] You can trap people in it, if you get them to look through it into a mirror under the full moon? And with sunlight hitting it at the right angle under the new moon, you can get people out of it! [Sammy] OKAY, TIME TO LOOK UP THE PHASES OF THE MOON IN NINETEEN THIRTY FOUR

[Sammy] So basically, on Mardi Gras itself is when we can pull the family out. [Jack] Which would be a really great way of getting Fowler on our side, just be like, "Hey! Check out this neat party trick!"

[GM] Henry could've picked up two nightsticks. [Henry] Maybe he's just starting a collection! "These are all the things people have tried to kill me with." [Jack] You didn't keep the snake. Your collection is ruined. [Henry] Aw, it is, [Henry] It's always the one thing.

[Joey] Joey will have Sammy go down to meet him, since we didn't have our new room back then, and Sammy's apparently really good at scaring off cultists! [Sammy] Yeah, alright- [Joey] And while Sammy's doing that, he's going to have another shot of ink. [Sammy] Ah.

[Jack] Would they recognise Jack's new hat at this point? He was wearing Pete's hat in the swamp... [Sammy] COMPLETELY UNRECOGNISABLE

#call of cthulu: haunted hijinx #sammy lawrence #Henry Stein #joey drew #Jack Fain #when in doubt just keep drawing

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kiribaku-queen · 4 years

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Could we please have an insecure!reader x Bokuto! (Also Todoroki x reader but separately if that’s okay?) where she starts to slowly starts to compare herself to all the fangirls and the girls that confess to them? So she slowly starts to distance herself, then meets up with then to break up. But when she says she wants to break up the boys are like “do you not love me anymore, what happened” then she basically goes on a spiel about how much better he would be with one the fangirls and just straight up says she looks like the trash but of course she still loves him. So then the boys reassure her that she’s the only one he wants and that she is perfect and blah blah blah and it’s just a nice happy ending basically :)

It’s Always Been You

Pairing: Bokuto x reader

Angst, Fluff

Word count: 3.1K

A/N: I’M BACK! I’m starting to get back into the groove of things while juggling my work but hopefully, I’ll be able to start that new series soon! Let me tell yall, when I finished plotting out and detailing everything I want to happen in this series, it was 11 pages long.... like what?

Anyway, I love love loved this prompt. It actually made me feel sad inside. I hope it wasn’t too rushed. Also, I just wanted to do Bokuto since I have a lot on my plate, writing wise so i hope that is okay! Thank you to whoever sent this in and I hope you are satisfied with this! Happy reading! (if you want to know more about my next series, DM me! I really want to talk about it LOL)

“Kotarou-kun!” you bellowed your boyfriend’s name from the stands. You would always go to Bokuto’s volleyball practice whenever you could. You had your own club activities so you couldn’t always be there to cheer him on. But when you would, Bokuto would be jumping with joy, trying new moves just to impress you. You were already impressed with the achievements he made this past year, one being the top 5 spikers in all of Japan. But he somehow still thinks that there’s more wow factor in him for you. When Bokuto hears his name fall from your lips, he automatically whips his head and gives you the widest smile.

“(y/n)!” he sings your name, waving both hands in the air. Bokuto was so distracted by you that he didn’t see that ball coming straight for him. Luckily, it missed him but just a hair. But now his team was upset that they just lost a point thanks to him. Thank god this was just practice and not an actual game. You’d never live that one down. You could see Bokuto rubbing the back of his head, embarrassed, as his team continued to scold him to pay attention.

Spike after spike after spike after spike, you were amazing at how many times Bokuto could spike the ball down without getting tired. If that was you, you would surely break both your ankles. You leaned on the railing, admiring how hardworking and how much effort he put in his sport. You’ve never met anyone more dedicated than the man who was dominating the court by just standing there.

“This one’s for…” Bokuto starts as he jumps in the air with exceptional form. You smile fondly because you know what’s about to happen. “(Y/N)!!!” he dedicates his spike to you, yelling with his whole chest and smacks the ball on the other side of the court. With the widest smile and a big thumbs up, Bokuto faces you after his great feat. His teammates clearly embarrassed with his antics. It’s practice, for crying out loud. But Bokuto didn’t care what anyone else thought. He was going to shower you with love and affection to show everyone just who captured his heart.

You giggle to yourself. You loved this side of Bokuto. In the beginning of your relationship, you admit that it was embarrassing. He was just so extra with his affection that you didn’t know how to take it. But day by day, you learned to accept and love all the things he does for you. His smile, his laugh, his iconic ‘hey, hey, hey’ line, and even when he dedicates certain moves to you. But you weren’t the only one to admired him. No, his fangirls were also in love with that. Speaking of fangirls…

When practice was over, you made your way down the bleachers and over to your boyfriend, but when the team came into sight, Bokuto was already surrounded by a herd of fangirls.

“Bokuto-san, you were super cool today!”

“Can you show me how to play?”

“Are you thirsty? Here, I bought you some water!”

“Do you need a towel?”

“Can we feel your muscles?”

Bokuto looked uncomfortable, to say the least. You stayed behind the crowd of girls, giving him some space with his fans. He sees you immediately and gives you an apologetic look. You shake your head, insinuating that it was okay. Because it honestly was. You can’t be mad at him for having adoring fans. It was natural if he was going to play professionally. And this is nothing if he was to really play on a pro volleyball team. So you could take it. Bokuto continues to interact with the girls while to watch them, waiting until he’s ready to leave.

You could see him trying to make his way through the crowd to get to you, but surprisingly, his fans were pretty strong. They refused to let him leave, no matter how many times he said he had to go. But again, you were willing to be patient.

“Look, ladies. I’d love to stay and talk, but I have someone waiting on me,” Bokuto tried one more time and pointed in your direction. All their heads whipped around to you, not looking too happy. Their stares burned at you, scaring you a bit at how vicious they could look. With them distracted, Bokuto was able to slip out of their circle and by your side.

“Shall we go?” he looked down at you, love back in his eyes. You nod and Bokuto automatically wraps his hand around your shoulders, leading you out of the court.

As you pass by the group of girls who were still staring daggers at you, you heard their whispers. You weren’t sure if they were saying it on purpose or if it was because it was the truth, but they were speaking loud enough for you to overhear.

“What does he see in her?”

“Do you see her bare face? Does she not care that she looks homeless?”

“It’s because her face is bumpy, so if she wore makeup it would look cakey.”

“No, even if she did wear makeup, it would look so bad because she doesn’t know how to put it on.”

“God, she’s so boring!”

“Her hair isn’t even done.”

“It’s like she purposely trying be a loser.”

“And do you see how her rolls are spilling out of her shirt? Embarrassing!”

You tightened your grip on your skirt. Were they really talking about you? The entire time Bokuto was walking you home, you were looking down and thought about all those comments that they made. Mean as they were, maybe they were right? You didn’t wear any jewelry. It would only get in the way. You don’t do your hair, but you didn’t think it was that messy. You liked it the way it was. No, you don’t wear makeup. Not only do you not have time in the morning, but you only use it for special occasions. Fat? Maybe you were putting on a few pounds, but you and Bokuto like to eat. It’s his fault that you look bigger than normal. Is this what people think about you? Is this was people say behind your back? You looked down at your stomach and held it shyly. Thinking about those comments just made you upset. But did Bokuto think that way? You look up at him and he’s all happy like normal. He hasn’t said that you should change anything, but maybe that’s just him being polite. But that was going to change.

After dropping you off, you went straight to your room and dug up everything you could find: makeup, clothes, jewelry, accessories, curling iron, straightener. You put everything on your counter and got to work. You were going to look pretty for once.

First, you applied your makeup. Dramatic or subtle? What do most of the girls wear at school? After a quick search, subtle it is. You admit, you weren’t the best at makeup, but it’s not like you’ve never put it on before. You just needed a little practice and this was a good opportunity. After maybe 30 minutes of applying what you thought looked like good makeup skills, you moved onto the hair. You tried something that you normally never do. Up or down? Curly or straight? Extensions or nah? God, so many options. So again, you looked at what the other girls were doing. Looking back in the mirror, you smiled at yourself. Not too bad, if you do say so yourself! You were going to wake up early tomorrow and do exactly this. Bokuto was in for a big surprise.

A big surprise, he was. Bokuto waited outside your house like he did every day. You were running a little late but he didn’t mind waiting.

“Sorry I’m late. I was doing something real quick!” you announced and presented yourself in front of your boyfriend. As soon as Bokuto laid eyes on you, he felt his heart fly out of his chest and then back again because he had to be alive to see how stunning you looked. His mouth flew open but he couldn’t form any words. His eyes grew as wide as saucers and looked up and down. He didn’t want this picture of you out of his mind.

As shocked as Bokuto was, you didn’t take his reaction the right way. Did he not like it? Why wasn’t he saying anything? You know that your look might be different than normal, but he acts like you’re a totally different person. The longer that he stared at you, the more ridiculous you looked. But what were you going to do now? It was too late to change and you were going to be late to school.

“Let’s go!” you urged, hooking your arms together and pulled him along to walk with you. You acted like his reaction didn’t affect you, but inside you were disappointed.

As the day went on, you couldn’t help but feel subconscious about your new look. Your friends said that they loved the new you, but Bokuto’s opinion mattered the most to you. Because you knew that he would tell you the truth no matter what.

In between classes, you look either go to the bathroom or look at your phone, wherever there was a mirror so that you could look at yourself. Your make up started melting and fading away, your hair wasn’t as kept like this morning. Slowly, your new look made you look like a clown. And the more you looked, the more you started to see your flaws. Now you could understand what those girls were saying. Fuck.

Tears welled in your eyes that you rubbed away the tears. But in the process of doing that, you wiped off the makeup that you forgot you had on, the makeup that took you so long to do. It all smeared across your eyes and that made you cry even more. Now you were forced to take your makeup off. You turned on the tap and rubbed all the foundation, the eye shadow, the blush, and the lipstick away. There, your ugly bare face was back.

Since you were doing that, might as well fix your hair. Pulling your hair all the way back, you put it into a bun. You stared at yourself in the mirror again. Homeless. Ugly. Bare faced. Fat. You could see it all. The realization hit you like a ton of bricks and you began to cry uncontrollably. God, you felt so embarrassed with yourself.

Bokuto immediately saw the difference in appearance when he saw you at the end of the day. Your shoulders were slouched over, your head was hung low, not to mention that your new look disappeared.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Bokuto said softly. “What happened to your new look?”

“Oh,” you jolted up. His concerned gaze made you feel uncomfortable and even more insecure about your looks. “It was bothering me, so I took it off.” You lied. And it was a good lie because he believed it without a second thought.

“If it bothers you, maybe you shouldn’t wear it to school,” Bokuto suggested. Oh, so he’s basically saying that you shouldn’t dress like that because he’s embarrassed by you. Your confidence levels just reached a new low.

“Yeah, I probably won’t,” you say discouraged and quickly walk away from him. Bokuto didn’t know what to say. Why did you look so sad?

The next day, you transitioned back into your normal outfit. You felt more comfortable but your body and the way you looked to other people was always in the back of your mind. You became so distracted by the idea that you began to distance yourself from the volleyball player.

You went to his practices but didn’t make yourself known anymore. Little by little each day, you let the fangirls take over. So he’ll spend most of his time with them instead of you. It was probably better like that anyway. The more you looked at them from afar, the more you could see the difference between you guys. You were just an ordinary student with an ordinary life with ordinary looks. There really wasn’t anything special about you. There wasn’t anything about you that stood out. Compared to these girls that were flocking all around your boyfriend? Beautiful girls. Their looks were out of this world. You could never compare to them. So why was Bokuto with you when he could have anyone he wanted? He was popular, athletic, goofy, strong. Every girl’s dream guy. It doesn’t make sense that you, a plain girl, was his girlfriend. A match that probably wasn’t meant to be.

Bokuto noticed that you were being distant. Eventually, you stopped going to his practices. Every day, he would look for you in the stands but you were never there. Whenever he has free time and wanted to spend it with you, you were also too busy or had some place to be. He never saw you anymore. You didn’t even want to walk to and from school together. He couldn’t fathom what he did wrong. He thought he treated you well. He thought that he did his best to show you that you mean so much to him. So what was going on?

Bokuto stopped by your house one day after practice because does not like how you were avoiding him. He was going to figure out what was wrong whether you continue to avoid him or not.

“Oh, is (y/n) home?” Bokuto asked your mother who opened the door instead of you. Strange, were you not home yet?

“Oh, Kotarou. No, she isn’t home yet. Would you like to wait inside? She should be home any minute now,” your mother informed, opening the door a little wider to let him in. He gladly accepted and stepped into your welcoming home. Your mother let Bokuto make himself at home and that is just what he did. He went to your room and waited for you there.

When you arrived home, you greeted your mother with a kiss on her cheek and headed for your room when your mom stopped you in your tracks.

“Oh, your boyfriend is waiting for you upstairs, dear,” your mother said. You completely froze. Your heart started to race and cold sweat ran down your back. Shit. What was he doing here? After all this time, you thought you were doing well by keeping your distance but now he shows up out of nowhere, catching you off guard. Reluctantly, you opened the door to your bedroom and sure enough, Bokuto was standing there not looking too happy.

“Kotarou,” you say but didn’t have a clue what to say after. What could you say?

“(y/n),” Bokuto sighs and walks to you. But you backup, making Bokuto frustrated. “What is going on with you? First, you don’t come to my practices. Then, you stop talking to me. You don’t even want to walk with me to school anymore. Did I do something wrong? Because if I did, just tell me so I can fix it.”

“No, you didn’t do anything wrong,” you admit, but now Bokuto was confused.

“If I didn’t do anything, then why are you acting like towards me? Are you mad at me?”

“No.”

“Did I say something that hurt your feelings?”

“No.” Question after question, you kept saying no. Everything that he thought he did, you answered no. You weren’t giving him any information to help him understand what was going on. All you did was stand by the door, head down and you fiddled with your fingers. Bokuto was beyond frustrated. He put his hands on his waist and let out a deep sigh.

You couldn’t see him but you could definitely hear him and feel the ambiance in the room. He was upset at you. He had every right to. But now his reaction made you feel even worse about yourself that you just wanted to cuddle up in bed and literally just forget about everything. Maybe today was the today.

“If you’re so frustrated, why don’t you just break up with me?” you opened your mouth to say. Silence.

All of Bokuto’s anger and frustration dissipated and was replaced with hurt and betrayal. The moment those words left your mouth, his stomach dropped and the pain in his heart hit him so deep that he had to take a step back.

“Baby, why are you saying that?” his voice softens in the most pained toned you’ve ever heard. Guilt starts to eat at you for saying that, but cat’s out of the bag now. You don’t answer him and continue to stare down at your feet. He gets closer and you allow him to take your hands in his.

“I’m just trying to understand. Why are avoiding me? Why are you saying that we should break up?” he asks, trying to look you in the eyes. You shrug your shoulders but don’t say anything. But that’s okay because Bokuto was going to give you all the time in the world that you need to answer back. And it took you a long while before you should say anything.

“It’s because… I think you can find someone better,” you mumble in a whisper.

“Why do you think that?” Bokuto matches your tone. You shrug again.

“I don’t know. I see all those girls around you. And they’re all so pretty and thin. I’m nothing compared to them. And then I started thinking, and… you’re way out of my league. You could do so much better if you were with someone like-”

“Do you love me?” Bokuto cuts you off.

“Yeah,” you answer anyway. “But I don’t think we look good as a couple.”

“I don’t care what other people think. I love you and only you. I picked you. Every practice, every game, I’m looking for you. Whenever I see you, my day brightens up. When I see you, I feel like I can play my best. You are my strength and my motivation. You are the only one that sticks out in a crowd full of people. You’re perfect and don’t let those other people tell you otherwise.” Bokuto lifts your chin up so that you could tell that he meant every word. Your lower lip forms a pout and silent tears streaked your cheeks. His face softens at you. Gosh, even when you’re crying and snot is coming out of your nose, you’re still so cute to him.

“You really mean it?” you cry.

“Yes, you cry baby. Now come here,” he scoops you up and lays you on the bed to cuddle. “So don’t you ever say that to me again, or I’ll quit volleyball.” He threatens. Upon hearing that, you freak out and convince that he shouldn’t. He’s laughing out loud and kisses you all over.

“Ah, I love you too much,” he says content and you cuddle for the rest of the evening.

#bokuto imagine #bokuto x reader #bokuto kotartou #haikyuu bokuto #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu angst #bokuto fluff #bokuto angst #haikyuu

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cinnamonest · 3 years

Note

For Hu Tao's yan I see two options. The first is Zhongli. His voice line about her says "I cannot deal with that child" and in general their relationship gives off major brat/brat tamer vibes. Like one day Hu Tao's gonna get just a bit too rowdy and the man's gonna snap, taming her and forcing her to be less rambunctious by breeding and wifeing her. Hopefully she'll naturally settle down when she has kids, and if she doesn't, well he has ways of making brats behave. The second option is Xingqiu, which may sound like a odd pick but hear me out. He, similar to her is also very mischievous, though he hides his mischievous tendencies more than her. I can totally see him engaging her in a battle of pranks and wits, of sorts, though whether or not Hu Tao actually knew she was playing said game is up for debate. They both come from prestigious families, Xingqiu obviously being the next heir of the Feiyun Commerce Guild and Hu Tao's family having run the Funeral Parlor (which apparently has enough cash to be able to keep Zhongli's ridiculous spending habits afloat) for generations. So it works in terms of status. And his voiceline about her says "If you're asking what I think about her as a person... Well, there are all sorts of rumors about the way she works. But I think if you really want to understand someone, you need to find out what they are really after." which could be taken to mean that he's interested in her, at least enough to want to find out her motivations and/or the truth behind the rumors.

Personally though between the two I'd go for Zhongli being her yan, mostly because I think there's an even better pick for Xingqiu, and that's Xinyan. I know that seems like an even stranger pick, but again hear me out. His voice line about Xinyan says "Where does Xinyan perform? Anywhere from Chihu Rock to Yujing Terrace — no spot is untouched by her disruptive presence... A quiet day when I can curl up with a good book is a rare treasure indeed." So clearly he is bothered by how much noise her music makes, and likely how loud she is as a person as well. But, I'm not sure how much you know about Xinyan, but she repeatedly talks about how people want her to quiet down and be more ladylike in her voicelines. For instance one of her About Xinyan voicelines says "Not afraid of me, are you? Some folks say I've got eyes like knives, that I don't wear my clothes right, that I don't speak right. They give me a pretty wide berth, too. Really, can't a girl sport her own style without being looked at like she's some weird creature outta who-knows-where?" And then there's one of her More About Xinyan voicelines that says "Back when I was little, the adults all said I had to be more girly, that I should learn and study all these things. Wasn't ever any good at it, though, and I'd often get roasted bad. Rock 'n' roll's a different story. No-one ever taught me, but I can do it just fine. And of course, the adults say "that's unladylike!" *sigh* Talk about prejudice." All that said though she actually has some really feminine hobbies and talents outside of rock and roll. According to various voicelines of hers, she grows flowers, cooks very well, and has a talent for sewing and embroidery, to the point where she not only made her favorite stage outfit entirely by hand but also gives you (the traveller) some of her embroidery as a birthday gift. And she actually has a really gentle side to her personality too. Like her biggest concern/trouble is that she's self-conscious about how her appearance seems to intimidate people, particularly children. She actively tries practing her facial expressions in the mirror to try and make herself seem less fierce and scary and more approachable, though it hasn't worked at all so far. When you put all of these things together I think you have a really good potential yan/darling match-up. I can totally see Xingqiu originally going after her just to tame her and shut her up so that he can read in peace, but then discovering all her other talents and the gentler side to her personality and realizing that she'd actually make really good wife material; if he can break her of her firey personality and rock and roll obsession that is. Heck, it might even improve his reputation around the harbor, being able to tame this woman that even her parents couldn't get to settle down and finally silencing her music which apparently most people in the harbor think is "awful racket not fit for human ears." And you know that cocky little shit would jump on the chance to improve his own reputation. Sorry this got so long, I had too many thoughts on this lol.

YOURE SO RIGHT OMG how could I forget Xinyan... Xinyan is vvvvv wifeable, 10/10, completely wife shaped

And you're right Hu Tao gives major brat vibes. She would intentionally seek out men she thinks will let her get away with it and then get surprised Pikachu face when she pushes one to a snapping point.

#.ship #lena's asks #q

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ncssian · 4 years

Text

A Favor: Part Thirteen

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: merry christmas

***

Nesta and Cassian agree to take separate cars to Velaris— not because they’re so afraid of being discovered together that they’ll risk global warming, but because Nesta has a preceding event and tells Cassian not to wait up for her.

After a rushed Secret Santa with the boys at Emerie’s apartment, Nesta drops by Gwyn’s place and leaves a small parcel at the doorstep. She doesn’t have time to knock and make conversation, but the gift is the least she can do after Gwyn surprised her the other day with a copy of a highly anticipated romance book weeks ahead of its official release.

“The library got early copies and I borrowed this one for you,” she said out of nowhere one afternoon, handing her the book. Nesta blinked in shock, not realizing that she and Gwyn were close enough for such acts of kindness. Even if their conversations felt like they’d been friends for much longer, they’d only known each other for a couple of weeks. It was then that she realized that’s just how Gwyn is. She does nice things because she can, not because social bonds or etiquette compels her to.

Guilt isn’t something Nesta feels often, but she was ravaged by it when she thought of not repaying Gwyn’s kindness. She couldn’t bear the idea of imbalances or debts being created in her relationships with her new friends, and spent the last two days searching everywhere for a decent gift to make up for it. She’ll have to text to make sure Gwyn got her present later tonight.

After a two hour drive (she might have taken detours to stall), Nesta is in the hallway leading to Feyre and Rhysand’s penthouse apartment. The door is cracked open enough that laughter and music float out to where she stands, and her fingers tighten on the bag carrying her sisters’ gifts. She checks her makeup in the hall mirror one final time, assuring that not a smidge of her perfect armor is out of place.

An in-and-out operation, she tells herself, flicking a lock of hair away from her face. She’s prepared for this.

Walking up to the half-open door, she’s struck down by the decision of whether to knock before going in or not. Luckily, the choice is taken away from her when the door swings open on its own, and Feyre is on the other side.

“Nesta,” her sister says in surprise, in a good or bad way Nesta doesn’t know.

Nesta blinks. “Did you know I was here?” She gestures to the door.

“Oh, no...” Feyre pokes her head past Nesta into the hallway. “Actually, I was checking to see if the pizza guy was here yet,” —she looks back at Nesta— “but this is even better!”

The slight strain in her voice makes Nesta think otherwise.

She doesn’t play along with the game. She doesn’t even comment on how they’re having pizza on Christmas Eve. Feyre adds after a moment, genuinely this time, “You look beautiful, by the way.”

Nesta glances down at her dress, a skintight ruched piece that shows more chest than usual, and then back up at Feyre’s designer jumpsuit. “So do you,” she says, her voice more flat than she’d prefer it. But she means it. “Can I come in?” she gestures inside, hoping to put an end to this conversation and her nerves.

“Right, duh,” Feyre laughs, grabbing Nesta’s gift bag and waving her inside. “Elain’s in the kitchen if you want to see her. Grab a drink and make yourself comfortable.”

Nesta steps past the door cautiously, eyeing the penthouse as if it’s her first time here. The winding iron-railed staircase is to the right, leading up to the second floor which holds all the bedrooms. The living area sprawls to her left, and through a wood-paneled threshold across from her is the dining room and kitchen. If anything is different from the last time she visited, it’s that the place is now considerably more lived in: pictures, hand-picked art, and other signs of life and love decorate every inch of the apartment, to the point where it makes Nesta feel like a home invader.

She’s so busy absorbing this place she doesn’t belong in that it takes her a moment to realize the room has fallen silent.

She turns to the living area, and her eyes land on Cassian first. He went so far as to put on a suit for tonight, and he’s watching her with a stunned quietness that makes her proud of her own outfit choice.

Nesta knows there are other people in the room, but she really can’t bring herself to care. Her hands twitch at her sides, instinctively reaching for him—

“Look who finally decided to show up,” a smug voice drawls.

Nesta looks away from Cassian to find that just about everybody else is staring at her, too. The voice who spoke up is that tiny woman named Amren, and she’s watching Nesta now with a sharp glint in her gray eyes.

Slick discomfort coats Nesta’s insides at Amren’s tone, and she lets her hands fall behind her back so they can’t reveal her anxiety. “Merry Christmas, everyone,” are the first words out of her mouth.

“’Sup, Nesta,” Cassian is the only one that bothers to respond. His tone holds none of the closeness or intimacy it usually does— it’s been replaced with a removed, almost strained friendliness instead.

Remembering that seeking him out for comfort is not an option tonight, she tries to find somewhere else to look.

In the span of a second, she spies Mor’s curiosity, Rhysand’s vague distaste, and Varian’s hesitance, before finally settling on Azriel’s bland look of disinterest. His phone dangles lazily from his hand, and he looks about two seconds away from going back to it and ignoring her completely.

It’s his detachment that grounds Nesta enough to remember her words. “I’m going to…” she gestures vaguely toward the kitchen, “get some food.”

“I can help—” Feyre starts.

“No, thank you,” Nesta quips, then hightails it out of there. The conversation, along with Nesta’s heartbeat, restarts as soon as she’s out of the room.

Following the short hallway connecting the dining space to the huge kitchen, she freezes when she finds Elain standing before the dual range oven, staring intently down at her phone. She curses herself silently— how did she forget her other sister would be waiting here right after being told so?

Elain’s head snaps up at the sound of Nesta’s heels on the tile, looking flustered. She quickly tucks her phone into the pocket of her apron before she realizes who she’s looking at, and a wide smile overtakes her beautiful face. “Is that really you?” Elain marvels in her lilting southern accent.

The words hit Nesta bluntly for some inexplicable reason. She shakes it off with a blink and smiles back, far more subdued than Elain but still genuine. “Lain,” she greets kindly, like they’re two old friends picking up right where they left off.

It’s Nesta’s fault that things are like this, she knows. She hasn’t bothered holding a real conversation with her closest sister in months, and now she’s in the same room as her hoping she won’t have to face Elain’s disappointment for her distance.

“Oh, get over here, how’ve you been?” Elain crosses the sleek kitchen and waves her into a hug. Nesta awkwardly pats her back, and is held even tighter when she tries pulling away.

She only manages to detach from Elain when Elain’s apron pocket vibrates. Stepping back, she takes her phone out and silences it before tucking it away once more. “So,” she grins when her focus returns to Nesta, “how’s the lone wolf life treating you? Isn’t it great to be back at your old apartment?”

“It’s good. I’m doing good,” she nods along. Nesta hates small talk more than anything, but this is the least she owes Elain. And the least she owes herself, if she’s being honest. Even if she knows she will never truly be fit for a life of socialization.

She takes things a step further and nods to the oven, asking, “What are you cooking up?”

She knows she’s done something right when Elain’s dark eyes light up, and she starts rattling off the three-course menu she’s prepared for tonight. (“What about the pizza on the way?” Nesta asks. Elain’s face darkens. “Don’t get me started. Some of the people in that living room have the taste palate of five year olds.”)

Nesta takes a seat at the island and falls into the age-old rhythm of listening to her sister talk, her heart feeling bruised and soothed at the same time. How similar and different they are now from the people they were ten years ago. Nesta doesn’t know if this is a good thing or not.

***

“That’s the thirtieth time you’ve checked your phone since Mor started telling her dolphin story,” Cassian mutters to Azriel sitting next to him on the couch.

Az clicks his phone off and turns it facedown so Cassian can’t see the screen, his face remaining blank the entire time. “I can’t help it if I’ve heard the dolphin story a hundred times already.”

“You’ve been staring at that thing the entire night,” Cassian calls him out. “Anyone on there more interesting than us, dear brother?”

Az snorts, not bothering to look at him. “Like you’re one to talk.” He reaches for his glass of liquor on the side table.

Cassian frowns as the chatter drowns out his murmur. “What do you mean?”

Azriel takes a sip from his drink, not replying. “When do you plan on letting us back at your cabin?” he says instead.

Cassian snorts. “It’s not like I’ve been keeping you away from it.”

“You turned Rhys and me down every time we made plans about coming over.”

“Because Nesta was staying there.” He is very, very careful about the way he says her name. Even talking about her is walking a thin line.

“She moved out a while ago, though,” Azriel continues. He leans back into the couch. “Speaking of Nesta, I don’t remember her being that hot. Did you see her in that little dress tonight?”

Cassian tenses, dull anger sliding over his bones and under his skin. “We all fucking saw her,” he says tightly.

Az clicks his tongue. “Damn. A woman like that shouldn’t be wasted in a small town.” His eyes slide over to Cassian’s with a dark glint of amusement. “You mind sharing?”

In that moment, Cassian is presented with the option of punching Azriel in the face. Hard. It’s only due to a divine miracle that he doesn’t.

Even with his temper, Cassian knows when he’s being played with. “How did you know.” His voice is flat, cold.

“You have ‘Nesta’s bitch’ written all over your face.”

Goddammit. Cassian clenches his teeth, saying nothing. Can everyone see it, or only his closest brother? How long has he known?

“I had my suspicions,” Az says simply, “when you ran out of Thanksgiving dinner like your ass was on fire after she sent you that thirst trap.”

Cassian blinks. Of course; the bastard peeked at his phone the last time they were together. No reason other than that.

“It wasn’t a thirst trap,” he grits, on high defense now. “It was a perfectly appropriate photo that you never should have seen.”

Az’s lips twitch upward. “Could’ve fooled me with the way you reacted to it.”

This— this is exactly why he doesn’t want anybody to know about him and Nesta. Because even though a weight has been lifted off his chest with Azriel knowing, an even heavier weight has started to sink in his stomach.

For months, Nesta has been his alone. And the idea of opening their relationship up to others’ opinions and judgements...

“Cass?”

He breaks his death glare at Azriel to find Feyre standing over the couch. He blinks; when did she cross the room? “Yeah?”

“You okay?” She glances between him and Azriel, clear-cut concern in her eyes. “You’ve been a little out of it tonight.” These last several weeks, actually, he knows she’s thinking.

He pulls his best Nesta face, all emotion carefully hidden behind a wall so blank it’s almost dead. “I’m doing fine,” he says simply. “Don’t worry about me; worry about Rhys spending all of your money on cards tonight.”

When Feyre still looks hesitant, Cassian summons his signature smile, the one that puts everyone and their babies at ease. He knows he’s succeeded when Feyre’s shoulders sink and she smiles back, nudging him in the arm. “Alright,” she says begrudgingly. “Just don’t keep pulling that long face. It’s Christmas Eve.”

***

Nesta is still hiding out in the kitchen while Elain finishes up a roast chicken when Feyre wanders in, eager to play the doting host.

Nesta pauses in the middle of telling Elain what she got earlier today for Secret Santa, waiting for Feyre to interrupt or insert her opinion, but Feyre only leans against the kitchen entrance and waits for her to go on.

“... So I thought it was hideous, but she insisted I keep it,” Nesta finishes cautiously.

“Who insisted you keep what?” Feyre speaks up.

“My friend Emerie got me a Christmas sweater.” Nesta waves a hand. “It looks like it came out of the recycling bin of a thrift shop, but I think she legitimately expects me to wear it tomorrow.” She huffs a lighthearted laugh, remembering how she and Emerie had cackled over the tacky gift together.

She finds she doesn’t mind talking about Emerie to her sisters. Rather, it’s something that brings her pride, like how she imagines new parents talk about their babies.

“Ain’t that amazing?” Elain speaks from where she arranges the chicken onto a platter, her back turned to both sisters. “While we were worried this whole time about Nesta being holed up in her room, she’s been going out and making friends.” Her voice is tight with a forced cheerfulness that only their mother could have taught her. Nesta stiffens in her seat at the island.

“Oh,” Feyre says shortly, blinking. “I see.”

The easiness Nesta had from talking about her friends slips away, being replaced with her usual mask of steel and ice. “See what?”

“Nothing,” Feyre defends, moving to lean against the island across from her. “We barely ever speak anymore, Nesta. How are we supposed to know what goes on in your life these days?”

“Well, I’m telling you now,” Nesta says coldly.

“She’s also in therapy.” Elain still hasn’t turned around from the stove. “How exciting.”

Nesta whips her head toward Elain in disbelief at the information spilled. So she is angry at Nesta for avoiding her calls.

“Therapy?” Feyre looks taken aback. “For what?”

Elain swoops in before Nesta can choose between scoffing or rolling her eyes at Feyre’s question. “Who cares what it’s for?” She finally turns around, bracing her hands on the counter. “Does it even matter?”

Nesta tastes venom on her tongue, and it wants to be spit in her sisters’ direction. “If you have something you want to say, Elain, say it. The passive-aggressive act makes you look like a fake bitch.”

Elain flinches, and Feyre looks away to hide her tired disappointment. “We still can’t have a single conversation without you going from zero to a hundred, I see.”

You haven’t even seen a hundred yet. “Tell me,” Nesta demands. “What did I do to mortally wound you this time? Is it the fact that I have a life away from your incestuous circle, or am I missing something else?”

Feyre scoffs incredulously, throwing her hands in the air. “It’s the fact, Nesta, that you have it in yourself to be good to everyone except for your sisters! When it was just me you hated, I could accept it fine, but then you left Tennessee and shut Elain out, too. With no explanation.” Hurt dances across her face. “It’s been years and it’s only gotten worse. And after months of near silence you show up here like—like you would rather be part of any family except ours.”

She keeps saying we, like her and Elain’s feelings are one and the same. Like they’ve talked about this before.

Nesta crosses her arms. “So you are mad I have friends.”

“How is that your takeaway from this?” Feyre has to struggle to keep her voice down.

Nesta’s heated eyes cut to Elain, who’s been silent during this whole exchange. “And you agree with her? Or is there something else you’d like to add?”

Elain opens her mouth to respond, but Nesta doesn’t give her the chance. “If I haven’t changed, then neither have you two,” she seethes. “You still think this is the fucking Disney channel or something, where we’re all best friends who have sisterly sleepovers and text each other good night. Wake the fuck up,” she bares her teeth. “Stop expecting things from me and just be happy I’m alive and doing well— because that’s the bare minimum that I’ve always given you!”

But no matter what Nesta says or does, they will never understand her. She will never be enough for them. The realization sinks in with a rattling finality at the resigned look on Feyre and Elain’s faces: like they didn’t hear a word she said. Nesta wonders when they stopped listening.

A throat clears behind her, and she whirls to see Feyre’s boyfriend at the doorway. His pretty-boy face is drawn tight, barely hidden rage simmering in the violet of his eyes. “Pizza’s here,” he says curtly.

Elain blinks tears out of her eyes, spinning back to the counter to pick up the platter of chicken. “Of course,” she says quickly, “the rest of the food is ready too.”

Feyre leaves the kitchen first, then Elain, then Rhysand with a final deadly glare at Nesta.

Nesta doesn’t know how long she stands there in the same spot, unmoving. Only when her phone buzzes from the island countertop does she turn.

Gwyn: did u get me a vibrator for christmas???

***

Cassian hasn’t looked at her all night.

Nesta doesn’t know what she expected when she told him they couldn’t be together in public, but it wasn’t this: him, laughing and talking with everybody at the table save for her. Like she isn’t even sitting there.

Nothing has changed. Least of all her.

She swallows around a mouthful of dry meat, feeling herself slip back into that old, familiar role: the background character. Except tonight is different, because everyone saw Elain’s watery eyes and Rhysand’s furious stare when they left the kitchen, and now Nesta is being ignored on purpose.

The buzzing in her head is louder than any conversation going on at the table anyway. Whether her sisters would believe her or not, Nesta had made plans. Plans to call more often, to make amends for the years of radio silence, to reintroduce herself to Feyre and Elain as a better sister. Not now, but one day— when she finally learned how.

Plans that were all dashed in the span of one conversation. Her knuckles turn bone white around her fork. So much for getting better.

The longer the night goes on, the more hurt and rage swells in her chest, until she fears she can’t say a word without screaming. How long will it be like this between her and her sisters, between her and the world? As if Nesta owes them all one thing or another: her time, her energy, her best smile and her affections. Why does everything have to be an exchange, and why is she always the one giving something up?

Cassian is the one person who always let her be, adjusting to her whenever she couldn’t adjust to him. But she’s having trouble remembering that fact when he won’t even spare a glance her way. When he’s sitting there laughing with Mor in a way he never laughs with her.

“And what about you, girl?”

Amren’s voice drags Nesta out of her haze, and she realizes the woman is speaking to her.

Nesta doesn’t like the way Amren speaks— with barely hidden cruelty, like she takes joy in watching people squirm.

Nesta blinks. “What?”

A slow smile creeps up Amren’s red mouth. “I said,” she repeats, “are you finding the pay for your work at Night Court sufficient?”

“Amren,” Cassian starts, but Nesta is already on her feet. The table falls silent.

“I have to...” she mumbles unintelligibly. She can’t come up with an excuse. Shaking her head, she leaves the table without finishing her sentence. Leaves the dining room and the whole damn apartment.

***

The slam of the door shutting echoes through the penthouse. No one speaks for a long moment, and Cassian finds himself filling the silence: “Was that necessary, Amren?”

Amren sneers. “What did I do?”

Because he’s counting down the seconds until it’s acceptable to go after Nesta, Cassian indulges her. “Not everyone has it in them to play Mean Girls with you whenever you feel like it.”

“Yeah, but did she have to ruin dinner over it?” Mor snorts, reaching over and plucking a roasted Brussels sprout from Nesta’s nearly untouched plate.

Feyre stands up. “I’ll go after her—”

“Don’t bother,” Cassian says, earning a raised brow from Azriel. Elain looks inclined to agree with Cassian until he adds, “I’ll check on her. You don’t need to stress, Feyre.” With a reassuring smile, he pushes out of his seat and heads for the door.

Each casual step toward Nesta lasts a million years, but he finally reaches the hallway beyond the apartment, letting his facade drop in the same breath that the door shuts behind him. Relief wracks his body when he finds Nesta waiting for the elevator, still here.

“Nes,” he calls, hurrying after her.

She punches the elevator button repeatedly, as if that’ll get it to hurry up. He catches up to her and takes hold of her hand, turning her around—

She snatches her wrist out of his grip like she’s been burned, her fingers flexing with pent up emotion. “Not tonight, Cassian.”

“I’ll go home with you, you can tell me what’s wrong—”

“No.”

“Why the hell not?” he demands. She never shuts him out like this.

Nesta stares intently at the elevator doors. “Go back to forgetting I exist.” Her voice is flat.

He scoffs in disbelief. “You’re not serious—”

She whirls on him so quickly he almost stumbles back in surprise. “You didn’t look at me once the entire night.”

Cassian stills, stunned. Is that what this is about? “How could I have?” he laughs, shaking his head. “You’re the one who doesn’t want anyone knowing about us!”

“So you pretend I’m not there at all?” Hurt flares beneath her angered words.

“I can’t do both.” He fights to keep his voice low, aware of the thin walls. “I can’t look at you and not have everyone see what I feel for you— you’re all over me.” Even Azriel sees it, for God’s sake.

“What’s the truth, then?” she hisses. “Are you a terrible actor or a great one? Because in that apartment I forgot we were even in a relationship.”

“You walked in looking like that,” he gestures wildly at the black sheer mesh hugging her body, “and I was supposed to, what? Act like we were friends?” He hasn’t spent all night nearly losing his mind trying to fulfill Nesta’s wishes, trying not to let his feelings show, to get dragged through the mud for it.

“Is that your best excuse?” Nesta sneers. “I used to be too boring to spare a glance, and now I’m too sexy?” She steps closer to him, bringing them chest to chest. “We were good distractions for each other in your lonely little cabin, but deep down you know we wouldn’t last a day in the real world. That’s why we haven’t told anybody, Cassian.”

Cassian knows a spiral when he sees one, and he’s fighting not to get dragged into Nesta’s. “I know this isn’t about me.” He closes his eyes, praying for calm. “It’s about whatever happened with Feyre and Elain tonight.”

Which is the wrong thing to say, from the way Nesta’s face reddens. “Don’t even fucking go there.”

He doesn’t realize that the elevator has dinged open until Nesta reaches out her arm to stop the doors from closing. “You know nothing about me,” she says heatedly. “You were sad and desperate for acknowledgement when we first met, and you’re the same way now. You haven’t. Learned. Anything.”

Cassian almost wishes she would scream senseless things at him like she used to do whenever she was upset— because this refined wrath of hers is so much more hurtful. And it makes him angry, too.

He leans in until his nose is brushing hers. “If this is one of those things where you try to push me away by being cruel, I’m not fucking buying it.”

Like a switch is flipped, the flame in Nesta’s eyes flares out. He sees that dead nothingness and knows he’s lost. “You don’t have to buy it,” she says simply. She steps onto the waiting elevator, and he doesn’t try stopping her. She doesn’t want to be stopped.

Nesta gives him a final look before the doors shut between them. “And I wore this dress for you, asshole.”

Cassian stands there long after she’s gone. Not knowing what to do next.

A muffled laugh breaks through to him from the other side of the walls, and he realizes that everyone has moved back into the living room. Turning around, he goes back inside to his friends.

***

;)

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#nesta archeron #nessian #cassian #ncssianwrites #a favor #nessian fic

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