#I want to do art again so badly and want to work on stuff and do things and feel happy about creating again

[marklikely]

the results of that "is fanfic a book" poll have shown me one thing and its that this site never graduated past that absolutely insufferable phase in 2013 where everyone acted like every book is the single most sacred thing on earth

[1980ssunflower]

jesus

[piningprecussionist]

(ooc)

I want you all to know that if I had the energy for it. There are so many posts stored in my drafts I long to queue... but neglected to preemptively tag, despite knowing I am Like This....

Anyway, there is a slight chance the queue might run out tomorrow unless I can get more responses in there-- I am,, tired,,

[swordfright]

this might just be because i'm a bit older than your average mcyt fan, but it makes me kind of sad to see all these younger fans scramble to wipe their mcyt fanworks off the internet the second a content creator is revealed to have done something awful.

don't get it twisted, I'm a big believer in rescinding financial support to ccs you no longer agree with or admire by unsubscribing, deciding not to buy merch, or refusing to give them ad revenue by watching their content. if you don't feel comfortable giving someone money, don't give them your money. material support isn't what i'm talking about here - I'm talking about fanfic, fansongs, fanart. yknow, content that fans create for themselves and each other, stuff that's not for ccs.

in the past year (and especially the past week, obviously) i've seen tons of mcyt fans saying they're planning to delete their art (or that they already have deleted) because they don't want their work to be associated with content creators who behaved badly, and that they want "a fresh start." I've seen fan writers say the same thing about their fics. and like, this is fine, do what you want with your stuff, but i'll be honest...it does make me sad that so many younger fans seemingly have been made to feel such a high degree of responsibility for ccs that they're unable to enjoy fandom (a thing that is FOR US! FOR YOU!) or take any measure of pride in their past fanworks.

again, at the end of the day you should do what you want with your own shit. but what i will say is, if what you want to do with your work is delete it, at least think first about why you're considering the nuclear option. you aren't responsible for a cc's behavior, and that goes for literally anyone who's ever had a hand in making anything you like: books, movies, games, anything. you shouldn't be made to feel ashamed of having created fan content for a piece of media that a shitty person was involved in making. straight up, this kind of shame isn't something i believe should exist in fandom, because it's parasocial in the same way that positive emotions towards media/creators can be parasocial.

and also, as someone who's been involved in fandom for a long time, i can say with confidence that creators will keep disappointing you like this. there are shitty people out there. if you're searching for a piece of media with zero shitty people ever involved in the project, you will not find it. i'm not saying this to normalize shitty behavior on the part of creators, I'm saying this to emphasize that bearing the shame and guilt of every creator to this degree is not sustainable or healthy (and it's not how fandom used to operate, but that's a conversation for another day, perhaps.)

i understand why so many folks are considering deleting their fanworks, and if that's you...think about it before you do it. that's all i'm asking. you don't want to create a habit of divesting yourself of all evidence of having been passionate about art created by someone who sucks, because if you do get into that habit, then your chances of ever truly enjoying a fandom again are, unfortunately, pretty slim.

[andthebeanstalk]

Note to self: never use large 3D sets on Clip Studio Mobile ever again if a PC or literally any other method of drawing backgrounds is available.

Source: Between the lag, the lack of precise control, and my own perfectionism, I have just managed to SPEND 4 FUCKING HOURS ADJUSTING THE PRECISE POSITIONING OF A FUCKING. DESK.

[skylarkspinner]

fiber art adventures in egypt

I recently got back from a trip to Egypt & finally got around to organizing some pictures to share. One of the things I was most excited about was seeing what I could find on fiber arts and textiles.

Dropping everything under a read more, 'cause this will be a long post haha

first visit: the National Museum of Egyptian Civilization (NMEC)

At the time of visiting, they had a special textiles exhibit. It covered Pharonic Egypt all the way up to modern times, although I only had time to check out the dynastic & a bit of the Coptic portion of the exhibit (which was what I was really hoping to see anyways)

Was super excited to see this diorama in person. I knew about it but had never seen good pictures of it. From the little I've seen of ancient Egyptian spinning, spinning with two spindles seems to be the norm rather than a master technique? It also shows up in tomb art, which the exhibit also shared:

They also used a different fiber preparation (splicing to create a rove of fiber, no traditional drafting to my understanding) so that probably made a difference? Regardless I really want to see if I can replicate the technique, especially because their spindles look so similar to modern spindles??

I took so many pictures of spindles, guys, and I fully intend to either have a few replicas made or to learn to make some myself. Also, although they were unlabeled... I'm pretty sure those are beaters for weaving? That was a bit of a trend with this trip, so much stuff was unlabeled :( I would've killed to at least get some date estimates for some of the stuff they had on display. I was nerding out in here though, and my family took a few pictures of how excited I was getting. A bit embarrassing, but eh haha

The exhibit also had a section on natural dyes used with a fun visual;

There was several diagrams specifically describing each dye source, but in the interest of not overloading on pictures I'll just list them out. For blues; woad, Yellows; turmeric, safflower, saffron, or yellow ochre; reds; madder, henna, pomegranate, and kermes. I originally thought kermes was another way to say cochineal, but it only seems to be distantly related.

next visit: Ramses Wissa Wassef Art Center

A small art center dedicated to hand-weaving wool and cotton tapestries. All of their work was museum quality & awe inspiring!!

Was even invited to their back rooms to watch a few of their weavers working; no I don't have room to put a room-sized loom anywhere but heck do I want one now

Our guide that took us through talked a bit about the natural dyes they use (all of their dyes are dyed in house with what they grow in their dye garden!!!) and got excited to hear I was also interested in natural dyes! He seemed a bit disappointed I'd never worked with indigo and. while indigo scares me, I'll take it as a sign that maybe I should try some time this year haha.

final visit; the Egyptian Museum

we really had to rush through this one which was a huge shame because it's packed full of artifacts. Also, the lighting in there is atrocious, so apologies for the not great pictures ahead.

They had a fascinating display of textile tools, more than what the NMEC had;

(Hand for size reference) I want all of these spindles! So badly! But a few of them look so much like a few of the spindles I own already?? A few of them had a spiraling notch, that's so cool? But also, what's going on with the one with two whorls? I have no idea. I'm fascinated.

Look at these whorls!! Although again, I'm a bit confused; the lack of labeling strikes again. Unsure why some of these "whorls" have two holes, or what the metal object with the wooden handle is. The display implies sewing needles, and some of them do look like it, but others.... really don't look like sewing needles. I'm absolutely enchanted by this little whorl though. I think it has birds on it?

More objects that I'm baffled by- the signage doesn't really indicate what some of this stuff is, if it's even known. Also confused by the object wrapped in white string in the right pic; it looks like a distaff but to the best of my knowledge the (ancient at least) Egyptians didn't use distaffs. It probably popped up in later times and was put in this display since it was still relevant, but I'm still not sure.

I have so many more pictures & thoughts but I'll save those for more specific future projects. I've been doing research outside this trip on ancient Egyptian spinning techniques and desperately want to go deeper into that, this trip just solidified how excited it makes me. If you made it all the way through this, many thanks for reading!

Bonus; look at this ancient linen 🥺

[rotten-pup]

18 + Only, minors will be blocked, you are not welcome here

☆About Me☆

You can call me Rot. I'm 21, he/they, transmasc and this is my horny blog! This will be my general horny content blog where I'll post/reblog the stuff I like however I will separate some of my interests and kinks onto other blogs. I am pre-t and pre-op. Generally just queer but I like people of any gender however I do lean more t4t

My asks are open for anything! Send me stuff!!

My dms are openish. At this time I'm not looking to sext and heavily flirt. I'm going through a lot and will be slow to respond most times. I really only have the brainpower to hold conversations about my special interests or if someone infodumps to me and I get to ask questions.

I'm comfortable with most masculine or feminine terms when referring to the parts of my body, I don't usually have a preference. I'll update this when I find something I don't like! I should probably add on that I'm a switch/vers in theory, mostly a sub/bottom in practice as I'm not confident enough to fully dom/top quite yet.

(rest of this post is a work in progress, bear with me please)

Without any further ado; list of content/kinks I like that you may find here(list incomplete):

Absolutely Yes: Petplay, Degradation, Praise (giving) Bondage, Impact play, Breeding, Somno, Edging, Overstim, Oviposition, Humiliation, Primal Play, Intox, Light CNC, Mommy kink??

Sometimes/Maybe: Choking (receiving), Praise (receiving)

Hard Limits: Scat, Death/Slob Feedism, Inflation, Raceplay, Feet

Kinks that will be mostly likely on a separate blog that I still like: Hypno, Knife play, Heavy CNC

Outside of all that, I'm going to list my sideblogs and tags down below and any other information I see fit so this intro isn't too long! (ps: if you know me from my previously deleted blog, feel free to say hi, I'd love to talk to y'all again, I was going through a really rough patch and honestly I'm so sorry I just disappeared)

My tags:

- rotposts: original content

- rotbarks: answering asks

- rotspeaks: non horny, rambles, or unrelated content

My sideblogs:

- @barkandbarkandbark : vent blog, rambles, literally anything just me talking to the digital void

Just a little more about me:

- @boymommy-brainrot : Mommy kink blog, a mostly gentle softer vibe, pics of me will also be on here

*Mommy is mostly a title, I like taking care of people and being gentle with them and just making them happy through acts of service. My kink is in no way an incest thing and as much I may use certain terms/words it is also not a ddlg thing either

Major theatre nerd, musicals, plays, plays with music, don't matter I love them all! I've acted in a few local shows, I've ran lights, I've staged managed, done a few other things. I'm really into dungeons and dragons and other ttrpgs and board games, and card games like magic the gathering. I love to draw and I love my silly little ocs I've made. If you upload your ocs or your fursona on your blog, there's a chance I might draw them, I like making art for others when I have the time.

Uhhhh, idk what else. I'm currently playing palword, this war of mine, overcooked 2, lethal company, escape the backrooms. However I do have many other games and if you ever wanted to play, just dm me, I'm down to find sometimes as long as we've talked a bit first and we vibe! I have major brainrot for Dead by Daylight right now so so badly

Oh yeah I fucking love robots I absolutely love robots and puppets I'm surprised I'm not like into fnaf more but man I just want to scream they're so cool.

I'll probably think of some other things to put here idk lol

[project-sonadow]

hello—i have a question to ask, and i figured it’d be better to do it here than to bother an individual artist about this. (sorry in advance for bringing the mood down w/ a serious question, btw.)

so, i’ve seen posts going around lately where people are like “hey, stop being explicit about sonadow, it’s weird”. and i agree that making explicit comments on sfw work is not cool. forcing the creator to see stuff that might make them uncomfortable is rude. /gen

however, if the characters are explicitly stated to be aged up (like, have lived several years beyond the games) or are in an au where they’re older, is that still bad? /genq because i always thought that the authors/artists were specifically going out of their way to say “we’re actively not wanting to make these pieces about children, we just want to see these two personalities and how they would behave in nsfw situations”.

sorry again. i’m just very confused (and a bit scared by the hostility /nm) and was hoping that i could maybe get some clarification.

(btw, thanks to all the artists on this blog for making such cute art. it’s all really nice stuff.)

Hi there. This isn't the type of thing we would typically address here, but your approach tells me that you're looking to learn and understand, so I'll give you my thoughts.

First of all, to address hostility - it's intimidating and intense, because this is the kind of thing that fires people up. We're not exempt from this, because we do not want to see explicit content about minors, and we will be direct about this fact. And for some reason, some people get very offended when you tell them this.

I'm going to respond to you in good faith, and I don't assume any bad intentions on your part.

On aging characters up. I will be specifically talking about the sonic franchise as my example here, but this applies to any series where the focus characters are children.

Sonic and Shadow are kids. They are teenagers. Age discourse is NOT relevant. They are depicted as teenagers, they act like teenagers, and they are meant to be viewed as teenagers. And so this begs the question: why is there a need to see them in adult situations? Why is there a drive to depict minors in explicit situations?

Even if a creator is theoretically not making a piece about minors, when they choose to age up minor characters, that tells me that they thought about those minors in explicit situations, or that they wanted to see those minors in those situations, but needed a way to justify it.

This is why I fundamentally disagree with aging characters up to put them in adult situations. The core characters are children. Wanting to see a child character in explicit situations so badly that there is a need to justify it by aging them up or making an au or whatever is strange and disturbing, and I personally would not want to associate with someone who does that kind of thing.

Reflect on the issue yourself. All I can do is explain my reasoning, and say that I will choose not to associate with people who make and/or consume content of minor characters in explicit situations.

I appreciate that you want to learn. I am answering this question specifically because of the way you asked it, and that I see this as a way to tell you why we think certain things, and why we vehemently disagree with certain types of content. To others reading this, this post is NOT an invitation to discourse with us. I will not be arguing about ages or logistics or whatever. Do not try to convince me that nsfw of minor characters is okay, you'll get blocked immediately.

[zedecksiew]

What Do Ability Scores Represent?

Recently, Into The Odd and the players in my home game helped me realise something fundamental:

Ability scores represent how good you are at acting under pressure.

STR isn't strength, it's toughness;

DEX really means reflexes;

WIS is more accurately calm or willpower;

etc.

+++

It is convention in roleplaying games that your ability scores / attributes / six stats determine who your character is.

High DEX means your character is spry, capable of acrobatic flourish; a good Willpower generally means you can browbeat others / themselves / reality (if you are spellcaster) into doing what they want; etc.

There is pleasure in looking at a sheet and seeing: Oh! These are the things my character is good at.

But you do run into problems. Does my 18 DEX rogue know they are fleeter than the 17 DEX bard? What if my wizard thinks she is stronger than her 10 STR? What if I have a brilliant scheme but my barbarian only has 9 INT?

How well, in other words, does the map represent the territory?

+++

(Art by Vesha, who is an illustrator! source)

I've got three players in my home game:

Vesha plays the teenaged trader Khabar (and his buffalo friend / parent-figure, Paal);

Amanda plays the monkey warrior Boots-Ra, now going white-furred;

Aish plays Captain Phung.

Phung does not yet own a proper sea-going vessel. Perhaps he lost his previous ship? Perhaps he never had one. (He does have a magic five-person sampan, though!)

He is impulsive. He tends to make dodgy deals with hapless village-folk, pick up dangerous-looking objects, and flirt with dangerous-looking men.

+++

Mechanics-wise, here's how my interactions with Aish / Phung tend to go:

Me: Okay, make a DEX save to duck before the hunter stabs you. Aish: Damn, my DEX is only 6, guess we'll see ... Amanda: Oh, no, Phung!

In a previous session:

Me: Okay, I think I'll call for a WIL save, because the ghost in the goat skull is trying to possess you. Aish: Well, my WIL is 5, hopefully this works out ... Vesha: Oh shit, Phung!

Some sessions back:

Me: The automaton shoves you. Make a STR save? Otherwise you'll be on the ground at its mercy. Aish: Guys I have 6 STR, I may be in trouble here. Me: Wait wait wait. What are your stats again?

So it turns out that Aish had terrible rolls at chargen. STR 6 DEX 6 WIL 5. Just going by ability scores, Phung is an idiot weakling.

+++

Thing is, Phung isn't an idiot weakling.

I've got crafty players; they are pretty good at cooking up multi-part schemes. (Their go-to tactic is bamboozling rival factions to show up at the same place, then benefit from the fallout.)

Phung is generally the face for whatever racket they've got going: he's the most obvious leader (the party is generally "Captain Phung and crew"), and Aish plays him as a capable, charismatic go-getter.

Looking at the character sheet, is Aish playing Phung wrong?

Fuck that. A player cannot play their own character wrong. I reject this notion outright.

What's going on?

+++

Different rulesets try to bridge the gaps between player action, character ability, and abstract math in different ways: eliminating mental attributes; going totally skill-based; etc.

The ruleset that comes closest to "solving" this, for me, is Into The Odd.

Saves are the only kind of test player-characters make, in ITO and its derivatives. This is key.

The ruleset assumes competency on the part of characters; you only go to the dice if you need to figure out stuff that is out of your control.

How badly a straight-up fight goes; whether you can jump aside in time if you've accidentally sprung a trap; whether you can improvise a lie on the fly.

+++

Implicitly, and in practice:

The STR stat in ITO is more accurately toughness---ie: how well you can withstand a physically demanding situation you didn't prepare for.

Ditto DEX, which is an abstraction for how quickly your reflexes trigger.

Same with WIL, which is how well you stay calm under duress.

I can be sharp when I've got time and it is a subject I have experience in. But suddenly ask me to make a speech and I'm toast (low INT).

Some folks have no martial arts training but can hold their own if a brawl breaks out in a bar (high STR).

Captain Phung is a pretty cool operator when he's in control, but tends to seize up when things go off the rails (low WIL).

There's my answer to the conundrum of Captain Phung: he's a genuinely capable guy. He's just not necessarily great under stress. His reach exceeds his grasp, sometimes.

+++

Your ability scores don't represent who your character is. Your ability scores represent who your character is, when under duress.

In other words:

Ability scores are who your character is when they are not in control. Ability scores are your character's reactions.

+++

I do feel slow on the uptake, for only grokking this now.

Chris McDowall probably has a post from the mid 2010s or something where he discusses this aspect design in detail, the clever genius bastard. It is probably internalised play-culture within the ITO-and-descendants community; Emms points out that the current edition of Mothership explicitly talks about stats in this way.

Still!

Am glad to have a regular TTRPG group again, and I have them to thank for my epiphany!

(They are kickass. I ran them through Whirling Mummy a while back and it was a RIOT)

[feyspeaker]

Hi! I made an account just so I could follow your work. Your art is brilliant and honestly and inspiration to where I want to be. I’m an older artist who has all the anxiety when it comes to improving my process. I’m trying to get into digital portraits and I have so many ideas in my head, but it’s frustrating because I’m not where I want to be to make this happen. What are some tricks that help you/software do you use? Of course, you don’t have to share anything that makes you uncomfortable. I currently have procreate and an iPad, but I feel a little lost. Wondering if I need a different writing tablet and photoshop. Not sure. I just eventually want to find that 3D, but also artistic look you are able to achieve.

hey there! thank you so much!!

ultimately, I will sound like a broken record but I always recommend you sign up for local figure drawing or painting classes. have people pose for you at home and sketch with charcoal and paper. go to the zoo and sit down in front on an exhibit for an hour and try to draw the animals in front of you as fast as you can and fill a couple of pages, move on to a new exhibit and do it again!

nothing is more powerful of a tool to learn than whatever writing utensil you have in your purse and the back of a napkin when you see something you'd like to capture. I've spent quite frankly my entire rememberable life doing this. I used to spend every single day in middle school/high school/my brief failed stint in community college with a pack of cheap sharpies and a beat up binder full of old worksheets and homework to draw on the backs of.

drawing/painting from life will teach you better than anything.

I use a very outdated version of Photoshop, and only got a "nice" tablet in the past 7 months.

Also, a huge tip to you and anyone else reading this: do NOT get too focused on a "style" that you want. Obsessing over that just ruined me for years and years. I wanted so, so, so badly to be the next Matsuri Hino when I was a kid. I copied her work religiously and it NEVER looked right. Frustrated me to no end. And you know why my stuff never looked like hers? Because I'm not her! You can't force your art to come out any way that isn't natural, and the sooner you can accept the art your hand wants to create, the happier you'll be and the easier art will get for you.

The past couple of years before I started diving into this more realism based work, I was just shoving myself through trying to make what art I envied of others. Very stylized/textured watercolor comic book style stuff. And I just was NOT getting any better at it. I have always been more inclined toward realism work, but I've hated it and yearned for stylized work. Yoshitaka Amano? God, I just drooled over that artstyle and beat myself up for never being able to capture it in studies or otherwise.

I finally essentially restructured my entire career around making the art that makes me happy instead of what I "wanted" it to look like. I was extremely depressed, my life was falling apart, and I still needed to make art to survive but I couldn't "art" if I was depressed and hated doing it, so I just had to step back and stop worrying so much about what I thought I wanted to make, and started making what felt most natural.

there's no easy way, and art can be a soul destroying path at times, truly. your software and hardware should come very last place compared to practicing from life (it doesn't matter if you want to paint cartoony stuff of realistic stuff, always start from life). naturally you will find what makes your heart sing the most.

I get a lot of messages from people telling me similar stuff "oh your art is EXACTLY what I want to do!" but I promise you that kind of thought process is chasing a dragon that is likely to harm or drag your creative process down. art style is such a deeply personal thing, so of COURSE it's important to find inspiration, but the second looking at someone else's artwork stops inspiring you and starts frustrating you, put it away.

There are some artists who I love, that I do not check up on often because their artwork ignites, like, serious bitter jealousy in me. It's the truth. I get so mad at myself for not being more like them, and it's such a poison. I think more artists should be transparent about this feeling because I KNOW the art community has a lot of jealousy and ugliness in it.

A fact of being an artist is that you will never be completely happy with a piece you make. You are always going to see the flaws, and that doesn't change whether you'd been drawing for 2 months or 20 years. Occasionally, you will get one piece that you are like "how did I make that???" and then get frustrated that you can't recreate it lol! It's a tough beast.

It's just really important to step back and work on yourself and where you are at, because at the end of the day, the way your soul wants to express artwork might be WILDLY different from what your brain wants, and it can be really detrimental to let those two go to war.

I hope this helps. I'm very passionate about this, and when I started out I ALWAYS ignored the artists who gave the same exact tips as above. I thought they were so annoying and unhelpful, but now I /get it/.

[bvidzsoo]

Love Me Like A Rockstar (4)

Chapter 4: Comatose

Author: bvidzsoo

Pairing: Song Mingi x female reader

Warning: cussing, mentions of a panic attack

Word count: 8,129

Summary: Love. You wanted none of it. You had already been heartbroken very badly once, you didn't wish to go through that ever again. But the Universe works in intricate ways and, somehow, you found yourself webbed up in a local rockstar's life, Song Mingi. He was everything you expected him to be, yet nothing like you imagined him he would be. What happens when you find mutual understanding and have heartful conversations? Will he be able to break down your walls? Will you be able to chase away his darkness?

A/N: Hello, lovelies! The long awaited 4th chapter is here and omg I'm so sorry for the long wait! I haven't even realized it's been a month since my last update...but I had a lot of stuff to do for my University and just didn't find the time to write, but here I am now, and I'll try to update next week or after that! I promise you'll have lots of Mingi next chapter *wink wink*, but I hope after reading this chapter Yn's attitude will make more sense, and that she won't be so insufferable anymore to you all reading. Please listen to the fourth song Comatose before or while reading this chapter! Yes, I have totally made Mingi wear his waterbomb outfit in this chapter because waterbomb Mingi shall NEVER be forgotten, goodbye. Please leave feedback, I truly appreciate it! Enjoy now! I have a surprise coming next chapter, hehet^^

Taglist: @orshii @or5i @lovely-red2 @juicy-red @scarfac3 @sunaswifes-blog @voicesinmyhead-rc @teez-the-time @maru-matt @kyeos4ng

⟨Series M.list ↭ Previous Chapter⟩

♫Playlist♫

『I don't care enough to miss you

After all the shit we've been through

My heart's comatose, comatose』

The blinking of the cursor was staring back at me mockingly, a reminder that my fingers haven’t moved in the past ten minutes. No thoughts connected to the theme of my project came to mind, no matter how hard I tried and how many articles I read. My mind seemed to be blank at the moment and it seemed like it wouldn’t get any better anytime soon. To be honest, I wasn’t feeling well. And that usually reflects in my work and influences my whole mood, and even day. I thought I would have a very productive day as I got ready this morning and went to the library to finish my art assignment, however, the little kick I had, came crushing down the second Mingi decided to sit with me. Well, perhaps that one small factor wasn’t the real reason which ruined my mood and brought me to the brink of a panic attack, and the current void and emptiness I have been feeling in my chest ever since. Perhaps it was the mention of Jeong Yunho and the reminder of how little I have always meant to him. My lower lip quivered again, and I allowed myself to fall back in the chair I was sitting in, staring up at my white ceiling in desperation. Why did it have to be him? Why did it have to be Yunho again? Was the Universe having a laugh at me? What were the chances that this Song Mingi was the same Song Mingi Yunho never shut up about while we were dating? It was frustrating. It was maddening and it was…mocking. I couldn’t help but feel bitter the longer I allowed the image of Mingi and Yunho laughing, hanging out, falling all over each other, linger in my mind. Their hearts filled with joy and their time spent with endless conversations, late night trips to the convenience store, random road trips and the overall feeling of knowing that you always had one person you could rely on no matter what. What did Mingi have that I didn’t? What did Yunho see in him that he never saw in me? Why was Mingi better than me? And why…was I suddenly feeling this vial jealousy creeping up in my chest like an ugly monster, the whisper of thoughts I have always tried to push to the depths of my mind after Yunho’s sudden, but heartbreaking, departure from my life?

『Straight coats and empty cabinets

Ashes from all the mess you left

New lease without you

I confess that I'm happy you're gone』

What was it about Song Mingi that Yunho was so infatuated with? What was it with Song Mingi that everyone seemed to like and gravitate towards? All I could see was the arrogance and self-centeredness rolling off of him in waves any time he entered a room. The need to shine and be the center of attention, to be the only person anyone was able to see, to focus on. The constant smirk or grin on his lips, almost always mocking or just an awful reminder that he was better than you—it was subtle, but it was there. The mischievous glint in his eyes as he watched your every move, hiding behind a wall of emotionlessness, sharp eyes watching but not giving anything away. There was no honesty in his expressions or in his actions. But why did nobody else see that? Why was I the only one picking up on how insincere Mingi actually was? Why did nobody question what he hid behind those dark and sharp eyes? His face so often void of any emotion. And then, to further prove my confusion, the Mingi I talked to today was—why did he feel different? Everything staring from his appearance to his behavior was unlike the infuriating person I have come to know. He portrayed a calm and collected nature, albeit still mischievous as he had taken my sketchbook without my permission, yet it was so clear on his face that he didn’t have any mal intentions. What prompted him to approach me out of the blue and why did he look almost…lonely? What drew him to smile so much and so freely? It certainly couldn’t have been me; I have done everything I could to make him feel unwelcome and uncomfortable, yet he…stayed. He talked without a care in the world, almost as if he forgot I would be judging his every move and sentence. He almost looked curious of who I was, trying to make conversation in which I did not want to engage in. What was it about Yunho that made his eyes sparkle so much? Why did Yunho have so much of an influence on Mingi? Why did it have to be Mingi? Why does Yunho have to be everywhere around me even after he leaves? Does Yunho really mean that much to Mingi? Just how deep is their bond? But the most jarring thought amidst the spiraling of my mind into a place I did not wish for it to go, was a very simple one. Why do I care about Song Mingi all of a sudden? Why do all these things matter to me all of a sudden? Who is Song Mingi to me to send me into an existential crisis, into a state of nervosity, and restlessness, and so much bitterness? He’s just a guy. A guy who is very irritating, arrogant, self-centered, and a pushover. A guy who only wants attention and is superficial. A guy who forgets about you the second he’s turned his back to you. A guy who only likes you until you’re new and exciting. When you start becoming boring, what does it matter anymore? Why would he keep you around for longer? Perhaps him and Yunho have more in common than I would have thought at first.

『So used to pain that it's my remedy

Easy to hate, I gave you everything

Funny that you're the one that ran away

You left me first』

I couldn’t do this anymore, I had to stop thinking. I needed my brain to shut up, to stop torturing me more than I was already hurting. I refused to reach my breaking point again just because Mingi mentioned that Yunho was his best friend—why was I giving him so much power? Trying to snap out of it, I groaned loudly as I rubbed my eyes with the heel of my palms, sitting up straight again to try and focus for the last time on my project. I had to get this done in two days, I really couldn’t slack off anymore. So, I opened the previous tab I was reading from and scrolled up in order to start reading the article from the beginning once again, hoping that the words in it would finally stick. But despite my attempt to finally focus on the only important task at hand, the loud ping of my phone quickly pulled my attention away from it. I jumped at the loud sound and cursed silently, having forgotten to put my phone on ‘do not disturb’. My eyes snapped down to it mildly annoyed, but quickly furrowed when I realized it was a message from an unknown number. I stared at it for a few seconds, eyebrows furrowing in suspicion.

Unknown: are u coming to Outlaw tonight?

Before I could really control myself, curiosity overtook me. It must’ve been someone who knows me since they were asking about Outlaw. They must have seen me there last time.

Me: who’s this? Unknown: mingi lol

My eyebrows instantly furrowed as I stared down at the message, my stomach doing a weird flip. My fingers hovered over the screen of my phone, tempted to just quickly block his number and forget about the past ten seconds, because what the fuck? How did he even get my number? I certainly don’t remember giving it to him.

Me: wtf? how do you have my number. Unknown: wooyoung

I blinked, mind blanching for a second. Wooyoung? That made even less sense as Wooyoung and I have met just once and I have not given him my phone number. I waited for a few seconds longer, waiting for Mingi to explain further, but it never came. No small dots indicating that he was texting anything else. I groaned and looked at my pale green wall for a second, trying to collect my thoughts and not throw my phone out the window. Why did he have to have my number? Was this Mingi’s way of getting on my nerves even more? And now I had to figure out how Wooyoung got my number—oh. I tsked in disbelief, eyes zooning in on the picture of Seulgi and myself I had on display on my desk. Of course, that little bitch. Why would she ask me first before giving my phone number to a complete stranger—even if Mingi wasn’t that, I still didn’t want him to have it.

Me: whatever, i’m blocking you. Unknown: so, are you coming then? Me: no, mingi, i am not.

I rolled my eyes at Mingi’s insistency of getting an answer and blatant ignorance towards my threat of blocking him—which wasn’t as menacing as I wished for it to be. But it only took him seconds to answer, and I tried not to think about how quickly he was responding.

Unknown: ok

My eyes narrowed at his simple—and sharp—answer, fingers hovering over the keyboard to fire an insult at him if he went ahead and started leaving more messages, wanting to remind him that I was not in any shape or form curious to hear any more of his bullshit. The bitterness was quite strong in the back of my head, jealousy searing through my body—I couldn’t help it. A minute or two passed, but Mingi wasn’t typing anything else and I huffed, irritated by his antics. Why was he even asking if I would go to Outlaw? I hated it the first time—well, maybe that was a little lie—and I still hate it now, so therefore I had not one reason to go and watch him perform again. Not one particle in my body wished to hear his raspy voice accompanied by a guitar, bass, and drums. I was quite content by going to bed early tonight and forgetting about the whole day, hoping that my chest would feel less heavy in the morning and the green monster would be gone from my head. And yet, despite my better judgment, my fingers worked quickly, before my mind could even register what I was doing, and I was saving Mingi’s number. There was no desire in me to have his name in my phone under any shape, so I stopped for a second to ponder over the many options I could be calling him, such as: idiot, dumbass, jackass, prick, mr. arrogant—were sounding rather pleasing to my ears—and yet, despite the wicked grin I had on my lips, my mind seemed to settle for a simple ‘I hate him’. His number was saved in my phone without putting more thought into what I was doing, and I was placing my phone aside, attention going back to my project. Now, there was nothing in the world which could disturb me again—but then my phone rang. I groaned loudly and felt like pulling on my hair, staring at my cursed phone heatedly. I was half expecting Mingi’s number to pop-up, but thankfully it wasn’t him. That would’ve been the last straw for today, I certainly would’ve gone crazy. Instead, it was Seulgi calling and I knew she had something important to say if she wasn’t texting. I picked up, albeit with disdain.

“Hey!” She sounded cheerful, excited. Very much the opposite of my mood right now.

“Hi.” I muttered and started tapping my forefinger against my desk, staring down at the article I had opened in front of me.

“You sound like you want to kill someone.”

“And I do.” My answer made Seulgi laugh, making me sigh. And that person was Song Mingi, of course.

“What’s got your panties in a twist this time, huh?” Seulgi’s voice was playful, and unfortunately, it was only building up my irritation. She didn’t have any bad intentions, but I couldn’t handle her cheeriness and playfulness at the moment. I needed to be alone. I needed to not think and just get shit done.

“Why did you call?” I preferred not to answer her question as I asked another one, voice not snappy just tired as Seulgi remained silent for a second on the other end.

“Noir Zenith are performing at Outlaw tonight,” I knew where this was going, I just gulped realizing Mingi had asked the same thing of me just mere minutes ago, “Do you want to come with me?”

“No.” My answer was too fast and harsh, I quickly tried to mend it, “I’ve got a family thing—issue, I mean. I’m sorry, but I can’t come because of it…”

My voice got quiet as I trailed off, not particularly fond of lying to my best friend, but I really didn’t want to go out tonight and I knew if I told Seulgi the real reason she would complain and complain until I finally gave in, her tactic of coercion working just fine on me. I never stood a chance in front of her when she would start complaining and whining and bringing up all the times I have bailed on her in the past.

“Oh,” It wasn’t hard to hear the disappointment in her voice, and if I weren’t in such a bad headspace at the moment I would have felt awful, “it’s fine, I get it. But…you do know you can tell me anything, right?”

I sighed loudly, “I know, thanks Seulgi, and sorry. I’ll make it up to you somehow.”

“Don’t worry about it,” She was smiling now, adding a small chuckle too, “We all have bad days, I’ll see you at university tomorrow?”

“Most certainly.” A small smile made it onto my face and Seulgi quickly bid her goodbye as we hung up, silence enveloping me. I didn’t forget to press the ‘do not disturb’ button this time as I placed my phone on my desk, next to my laptop, and faced the article taunting me. Not finishing this project today wasn’t an option anymore, and so, I quickly dove in, the torturing thoughts finally silent somehow.

            The hours went by quickly and despite my mind struggling to focus on the task at hand, I made it. I finished the project in about four hours and it definitely gave me a little confidence boost, which I desperately needed after the emotional turmoil I was forced to face today. My mind was a mess. I was tired and I needed to sleep. I didn’t even care how early or late it was as I got into bed, forgetting to wash my face or even change into my pajamas, I just needed to lay my head down and close my eyes. And it was working well…until it wasn’t. The warmth of my thick blanket enveloped me and my head grew heavier as my muscles relaxed, the comfort of my bed bringing peace to my loud thoughts. It felt nice. To finally be able to forget everything that’s happened today, to just let go and…sleep. I really needed this; I haven’t felt this exhausted in a long time. I have never been good at dealing with my feelings, I usually pushed them away and ignored everything I felt…until they blew up in my face. Then, I would finally break and it was chaotic and messy. I knew it was the wrong coping mechanism, but I couldn’t help it. Nothing else worked, because I just couldn’t deal with the pain. I hated the overwhelming thoughts, the pressing heaviness and constant pain. I just simply didn’t want to deal with them. Drawing was a nice way of escaping my reality, but lately it didn’t help. It drew me up the wall, it was so frustrating. So many emotions had been steering hidden deep inside these past weeks, I didn’t know how to deal with them—I didn’t want to deal with them, actually. I needed them silent, gone.

And despite needing to sleep right now, eyes heavy and mind fuzzy, it wasn’t working. Nothing helped. My mind was silent, yet my ears were buzzing, whispers so quiet in the back of my head that I could barely hear them. My chest was heavy, it felt like I needed to cry, but my throat was closing in on me, refusing to let any tears to the surface. I could breathe, but at the same time I couldn’t. Turning on to my left side did nothing, but snap my eyes open. Why couldn’t I sleep? Why was this feeling returning? Why couldn’t I just rest for one fucking second?! I buried my head into my pillow and let out a silent scream, punching the soft mattress of my bed next to my head, legs trashing around as I needed to let out the creeping hysteria in my body somehow. Was I finally going crazy? Was my mother’s premonition finally blending into reality? She did randomly while watching TV, one month ago, tell me that I would soon face a challenging obstacle in my life, which would feel suffocating and relieving at the same time. Mind running per hour, I shot up in a sitting position and gaped at nothing in particular, recalling the memory of said night. But my mother said nothing else as she went back to watching TV, acting as if what she had said to me was totally normal. It wasn’t. But I was used to her quirky antics, she was a bit whimsical, but I loved her. Her intentions were always good and pure, she was a woman full of love and warmth…unlike me. Perhaps I was like my father…not that I could remember him, he’s left us while I was a little girl. We kept in touch until I turned approximately eight, after that…he never showed his face again. Something about moving to a new city and starting a new life, I couldn’t care less, he was never a pilar of support in my life. I didn’t need a man to bring me comfort, to make me feel safe. I had myself for that, and my mother—when things got too rough to handle on my own.

With a sigh, I reached over my bed and grabbed my sketchbook from my bedside table and turned on the small lamp, grabbing the pencil I had from underneath my pillow. Not one corner of my room was safe from my drawing supplies. I flipped the sketchbook open to a blank page and sighed, eyebrows lightly furrowing as I pressed the pencil against the soft paper. I didn’t have anything particular in mind as I started drawing. Maybe a small meadow with colorful flowers or a flower field, those sounded nice right now. It felt like they could fix my sour mood after today, like they would bring a little comfort to my overthinking brain at the moment. But I already knew I couldn’t control my hand when it came to drawing, and I wasn’t too surprised to find myself drawing the outline of a face. The lines were sharp and precise, darker around the brow bone and defining at the sharp and pointy nose. I added shading to the jawline before moving to the cheekbones, not making them too harsh. The sketch so far was looking like any regular face. It could turn into anything from here on. I could make it anyone I wanted it to be. For some reason my hand went to draw the lips instead of the eyes, usually those were the first thing I drew when starting a portrait. But this time, my brain focused on the dark outline of the plump lips and adding more depth as the Cupid’s Bow was deep and pointy. I licked my lips as I allowed my eyes to run over the eyeless portrait, subconsciously adding a small mole to the left side of its face, close to the jawline. I had a hunch where this was going, but I wanted to keep going—I couldn’t stop my brain from pushing me to just draw more. I allowed my pencil to run over the lines of the nose, making them sharper, lengthening it just like the person had it in real life. My hand hovered in the air for a second, reluctant to finally draw the eyes of the portrait, but I didn’t have it in me to stop right now. I always hated leaving my work unfinished—that was my excuse right now too, despite knowing who I was drawing once again. Yet not one particle in my body wished to stop right now, and I couldn’t help it as I finally drew lines sharp enough to accentuate the depth and glare in his deep eyes. The shading of them happened quickly and without even thinking, the small but dark mole sat comfortably underneath his right eye as I pressed my pencil firmly against the paper.

The breath which left my lips was sharp, and I gulped as my grip tightened around my pencil. I knew what I was doing this time, yet I didn’t stop it. Why? Why did I allow myself to draw—Mingi. His sharp and expressionless face stared back at me and I didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t mocking me, he didn’t have any twinkle in his eyes, he was just…there. On my paper, in my favorite journal-like sketchbook. And my heart was beating faster the longer I was looking at it. My stomach was twisting in a foreign way and I felt like I needed air. Fresh air. It felt like my room was closing in on me, I felt like I didn’t have enough space all of a sudden. The blanket falling on my lap suddenly felt too warm, like it was burning my body up. Without a second thought, I threw the sketchbook off from my lap, together with the blanket, and sprung out of bed, racing towards my closet. I threw it open and grabbed the first thing which came into view, a grey oversized jumper, as I stepped out of my slippers and slipped my phone into the pocket of my grey sweatpants, headed for my closed door. My throat was squeezing itself and it was a little hard to breathe as I frantically moved down the stairs, desperate for fresh air at this point. The light was on in the kitchen and I realized it wasn’t even ten pm yet as my mother was tinkering around, listening to some jazz music. I must’ve been loud as I almost crashed into the wall, struggling to put on my sneakers.

“Honey?” I heard my mother’s voice coming from behind me as I turned to look at her. Her ginger hair was a mess as her curls stuck out in all directions, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “Everything alright?”

I nodded, fearing what my voice would sound like as I quickly wore the jumper in my hands, “Are you going out? It’s a little late…”

I hummed, licking my lips nervously, hand reaching for the doorknob, “I won’t take long, I promise.”

“Call me if you need me.” My mother had an understanding look on her face, it made my lips tremble, “I’ll pick you up.”

“Didn’t you drink?” My voice was slightly shaking as my eyes went to the wine glass she was holding in her right hand. My mother glanced down at it as if she had forgotten about it and quickly pushed it behind herself.

“We could always ride my electric scooter; I haven’t used it in quite a while.” My mother giggled at her own suggestion and I couldn’t help but let out an amused chuckle, the tightness in my throat lessening a little bit. How badly I wished to pour my heart out to her, to let my feelings finally loose, but I couldn’t. That would mean having to face what I was feeling. That would mean everything was real and not just made up by my useless brain.

“I’ll be home in an hour, don’t worry.” My mother just hummed as she watched me leave as I took my keys and closed the door carefully behind myself. The crisp air of the evening was a harsh wake-up call that I should’ve worn a jacket as well, but I didn’t have it in me to walk back inside my warm house. I couldn’t. I needed to walk. I needed to clear my mind. I had to get rid of this awful feeling in my chest. And so that’s just what I did, I walked. I took off towards nowhere particular as my feet carried me down the sidewalk, the streets illuminated by the lampposts, creating just enough light, but not too much. A few cars passed by then and now, the neighborhood relatively quiet at this hour of the evening. The cold air was biting at my cheeks and I buried my hands in my pockets, taking a deep breath before releasing it slowly. It felt nice as the cold air traveled through my throat, deep down into my lungs. It was refreshing, it was just what I needed. As I took a left turn, I left my neighborhood and realized I was headed towards the city center, more people on the road now as it was the main one. Groups of teenagers passed by me and I shivered at the sudden cold breeze. I looked around and watched as it picked up and blew the branches of the trees apart, more leaves falling to the ground, creating a blanket of orange and burgundy underneath our feet. The leaves crunched under my shoes and I felt myself smiling as I kicked into a smaller pile gathered up on the sidewalk by the wind, memories of my childhood fresh in my mind. My mother would always gather the leaves in our small backyard and then she’d take me outside and we’d play around for hours in the leaves, giggling and laughing as we’d pretend that I was a princess and she was the leaves monster trying to kidnap me from my kingdom. Despite my mother struggling at times, my childhood never lacked anything, and it was filled with many happy memories. Sometimes I wondered what changed that I turned into such a moody and sour person. There were remnants of my old self when I was with Seulgi or with my mother, but I was pretty bad at opening up to strangers, at letting others in…especially males. I couldn’t help but think they had other motives and were only waiting for the right time to fuck me over, to abandon me. My attention was brought to a couple as the girl screeched and ran past me, the boy chasing after her while holding something in his hands, giggling loudly and calling out her name. I couldn’t help but glance after them, the green monster back in my head, as the guy caught up with her and tackled her into a hug despite the girl’s loud complaints. I have realized, the guy was carrying dirt in his hands and the girl’s cheeks were already smudged with it, probably. My stomach clenched and it got harder to gulp as I tore my eyes off them, trying to take a deep breath, trying to push down the memories threatening to resurface.

But I couldn’t help it as Yunho made it to the forefront of my mind, our many dates stored away in a little treasure chest in my heart. We used to go on so many dates, Yunho loved trying out new things and visiting new places. Every second weekend he planned something new, he surprised me with something. I thought I was the luckiest girl on Earth. I thought I would never find anyone else who could love me and cherish me as much as Yunho—and perhaps I really never would. Because Yunho was special, because he made you feel like you were the only one in the whole world he could see, he could love. A small part of me still wished he loved me at some point. Of course, it did, I was so hopelessly in love with him once that everything was about him. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t live without him. He was the only thing I could think about, I could talk about. Everyone told us how well we matched; how perfect we were for each other. The both of us always smiling, always so nice to others. Before getting abandoned by Yunho, I was—I wasn’t like this. I smiled, I laughed, and I joked around a lot. I was happy and I loved life, I loved everything around me and I had this urge to discover everything life had to offer me. I couldn’t stay put in one place for too long and I always had everything planned out, each step of mine—my life next to Yunho. The promises he made were still fresh in my mind, I could still remember them despite being it a long time ago—but perhaps it wasn’t long enough, I have suddenly come to the realization of it. It was hard to breathe again as my favorite moment with Yunho was suddenly too fresh in my mind, too easy to recall. We had gone to a movie he really wished to watch, something about a girl who had to pretend she was a boy in order to make it onto the university’s football team to get revenge on her ex, it was actually a re-run as the movie had come out a long time ago, but Yunho loved it and he really wanted to watch it at the cinema. Of course I went with him, I wanted to see the movie too because Yunho loved it. And what Yunho loved, I also did. It was an easy watch, lighthearted and cheesy and predictable, it didn’t surprise me that it was one of Yunho’s favorites. But once the movie was over Yunho wanted to get ice cream, and as someone who loves ice cream—mint choco is the best flavor, fight me—I was eager to go with Yunho. But our peace of mind didn’t last for long as it started raining cats and dogs in no time, forcing us to take shelter somewhere—except that we didn’t. Yunho pulled me out into the pouring rain and he made us dance, he acted out cheesy scenes from Dirty Dancing, raising me up and flipping me around clumsily, almost dropping me in the process not even once, making me shriek and clutch onto him for dear life. I have never laughed more in my life than that night and I have never felt more loved that in that moment. Yunho’s eyes were shining with so much warmth and happiness, it was also the first time he said the words. ‘I love you.’ I couldn’t tell whether it was the rain or happy tears on my cheeks, but the sudden clenching of my heart and overwhelming feeling in my chest made me flung my body against his, holding onto Yunho’s tall frame like my life depended on it. And in that moment, I knew—I knew that I also loved him. But I couldn’t say it, not yet, not when everything felt like it was too much, so instead, I pressed my lips against his pouty ones and smiled as Yunho started giggling, only to pick me up and twirl me around in excitement before asking me to hop on his back, only for him to take off running towards his house. It was my favorite memory of us, for various reasons, but perhaps the main one was because Yunho was so sincere in that moment. Because I couldn’t hear any doubt in his words like the other times he said that he loved me.

『Straight coats and empty cabinets

Ashes from all the mess you left

New lease without you

I confess that I'm happy you're gone』

I came to a stop as my phone buzzed in my pocket, mind hazy as I tried to shake off the memory which felt so alive in my head. I could almost see it playing out in front of myself. If I reached my hand out, I could almost touch Yunho—but he wasn’t here—and I was allowing myself once again to live in the past, a very bad habit of mine. I unlocked my phone after I crossed the road, the sidewalk littered with various shops, most of them already closed as it was almost ten now. I had been walking for twenty minutes without even realizing it. Looking down at my phone, I realized Instagram had sent me a notification that Seulgi posted a story after a while. She was probably at Outlaw still, watching Noir Zenith perform. I pressed on her story and it opened to show a close-up video of the three boys performing, the camera focusing on Wooyoung for a few seconds longer before it was moved away, zooming in on playfully on Mingi. I had the volume down, I couldn’t hear what he was singing, but his eyebrows were furrowed as he was leaning forward, mouth moving in a fast way as his eyes were half-closed, veins protruding on his neck, expression almost like he was angry, almost like feelings were overwhelming him as he held the microphone in his left hand tightly. My eyebrows slightly furrowed, but I quickly pushed any thought of him away as I realized he was slightly…wet? His white shirt, the top buttons unbuttoned until they reached his chest stuck to his body and had turned almost see-through, but it didn’t seem like it bothered Mingi as he continued on performing. Heavy chains lay against the base of his throat and a blue sheer sunglass was sitting on his tall nose, almost sliding off of it as he was bobbing his head furiously to the music, his bass abandoned somewhere. As my eyes focused on the huge bracelet on his right hand and the blue and white scarf wrapped around his left wrist, both hands decorated with thick silver-colored rings, the video cut off. I remained unblinking for a second, eyebrows twitching as I realized Seulgi had posted the video not even half an hour ago. So…the band was still performing and…Mingi was looking like that. Suddenly I was glad I wasn’t there to witness him being all indecent and acting like a—something. I most certainly wouldn’t hear the endless praises if I were there and the constant screaming of his baboons—perhaps calling them his fangirls would sound nicer, but I wouldn’t give him that satisfaction—and with my current mood, that was the last thing I wanted to see and hear. Mingi was detestable and I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of going to any of his other performances, finding them useless as I wasn’t even into their music. I started walking again, aware that the wind had picked up more, rustling the branches and leaves harsher, making me shiver in my underdressed state, reminding me that I should head home now. I said I wouldn’t stay out for too long, my thoughts seemed to have cleared just a little bit, besides, the cold air was enough to knock me out once I got to lay in my warm and comfortable bed.

『I don't care enough to miss you

After all the shit we've been through

My heart's comatose, comatose

I don't care enough to miss you

After all the shit we've been through

My heart's comatose, comatose』

However, the second I wanted to exit the app and put my phone away, a new story suddenly appeared in Seulgi’s spot and I gulped realizing who it was. Yunho’s happy and smiling face was taunting me in his profile picture, and before I could control myself, I pressed the icon, opening his story. The username Yuyu followed by a sunflower flashed for a second on the screen and then—and then everything around me stopped. There was no wind, there was no sound of cars passing by or people talking as they walked by me. It wasn’t cold anymore. My lungs failed me once again, but my mind went silent. Completely silent. There was a rumble in the distance, but I couldn’t say what it was. A girl, much smaller than him—and a lot cuter than myself—was laughing in the boomerang Yunho had posted, her black hair falling around her shoulders nicely, the white coat barely hiding the short lavender colored dress she was wearing. And Yunho—he looked so happy, he looked—whole. His face had gotten fuller, yet features sharper since the last time I had seen him. I have forgotten that I was still following him on Instagram. He had his arm around the girl’s shoulder and was actively pulling her into his side as he was smiling brightly too, his protruding front teeth showing as he had his eyes on the girl only. He had tagged her too and I was clicking on her name fast, before even thinking about what I was doing. Her profile was public and she had many posts. Most of herself, but there were some of the places she’s traveled to as well. But her most recent post—was with Yunho. The two sitting on a bench, then a selfie, and then a picture of the place they had been at, with the caption of: ‘Luckiest girl in the world!’ I gulped and closed the app, taking a deep breath, realizing that I had started shaking.

『You wasted all my fucking time

Were never really in my life

You were further than I could imagine

I love you, but fuck you』

Why did my legs feel like jelly all of a sudden? Why did the heaviness in my chest get even worse? Why was I reacting like this? It made no sense. Yunho broke up with me three years ago and I was over him. He hurt me more than anyone has before, but I was over him. I have let go; I have released the feelings I have felt for him. But then why did it bother me so much that he found happiness with someone else? Why did it leave a bitter taste in my mouth? Suddenly why was the green monster back and making me clutch my phone tightly in my hand? If he was able to find someone, to be happy again, why wasn’t I doing the same thing? Why was I incapable of loving? Of being loved? Of opening up and letting in new people? Why was I forcing myself to wallow in my own misery? Why was I punishing myself by constantly living in the past? What more could I want? Why did I still wish for Yunho to return and apologize for everything he’s done, for the gap he’s left in my heart? For the turmoil he’s caused in my head, for the ache that never really went away with his departure from my life? And it hit me lick a wall of bricks, that something was hitting my flaming cheeks. Another rumble, and I realized it was thunder. Head tilting back, I realized it was raining—pouring. Washing away the tears which were making my eyes burn. When did it start raining? Why did everything hurt so much? I couldn’t help the sudden sob which wracked my body as I put my phone in my pocket as a futile attempt to keep it dry as my clothes were getting drenched the longer I stood unmoving on the sidewalk. But my feet felt heavy, rendering me frozen to the spot. Nobody was outside anymore. I was alone. Just as always. No matter how many people cared for me, I was still alone in hurting, in dealing with the mess I was. And it hurt. It made me cry harder as I pressed a hand against my mouth, trying to muffle my pathetic sobs. But it felt good—so good to finally let it all out, to just finally allow the misery to come to the surface, to acknowledge that I couldn’t deal with these feelings anymore. My chest hurt, my heart ached, my throat was getting more and more restricting, lungs burning for air, but I couldn’t fully breathe, gasping for air caused by my violent sobs. But the wind was picking up again and my body started shivering, and I realized I couldn’t stand on the sidewalk anymore bawling my eyes out as I got drenched in rain.

So, I looked around and found a place open not too far up ahead and took off running towards it, trying to get the strands of hair out of my eyes as they stuck to my skin. The diner was small and still open, the big windows showed nobody inside besides the girl behind the counter. I didn’t consider the way I looked as I threw the door open and stepped inside, alerting the girl as the doorbell chimed. She looked up and for a second we stared at each other, her eyes widening as her eyes wandered all over my body, making me sniff. At least I wasn’t sobbing anymore, just heaving for air. I must’ve looked horrible as I took off towards a table in the back, closer to the restrooms, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel embarrassed over my appearance. I fell against the cushion of the bench and tried to regulate my breathing, biting my lower lip as I realized my eyes were burning and my skin was ice cold. I couldn’t believe I was stupid enough to stand out in the rain, when it was so cold. I would most definitely catch a cold now and that was the last thing I needed right now, but it was due to my own stupidity. I wiped my face with my hands, which were slightly shaking, as the girl from the counter came over.

“Uh,” She shuffled around awkwardly as I looked at her, “Can I bring you anything? Or uh, help with anything?”

A slap in the face to wake me up to reality would possibly be the biggest help she could be offering right now—but I thankfully didn’t say to her. She already looked uncomfortable by not knowing how to react to my current state. I sniffed and went to reach for my wallet before I would look at the menu, I had no idea how much money I had on me. But I quickly realized I had only grabbed my phone before leaving, sitting inside a diner never being in the plan. So instead I went to check on my phone if I had any money on my card, but my phone wasn’t working. Nothing. No matter how much I pressed the button to start it, it didn’t work. Fuck, I forgot to charge it before stepping outside.

“Uh,” Now I felt embarrassed as I averted my eyes from the girl, “I don’t have any money.”

“Oh,” She sounded surprised, “Well, then…I mean, I don’t want to sound rude, but uh—I will have to ask you to leave, really, I have nothing against you, it’s just that—”

“Don’t worry,” I forced myself to smile as I looked up at her, her cheeks red from embarrassment of having to kick me out, “I get it. May I use the restroom before I leave?”

“Sure, of course!” The girl almost exclaimed as she pointed towards the little hallway which led to the restrooms, “But we’ll be closing in about fifteen minutes, so don’t stay inside for too long.”

“Yeah, I’ll just patch myself up a bit and then go on my way.” I muttered as the girl nodded silently and walked back to the counter while carefully watching me, making me roll my eyes. Okay, I might have been looking like a mess, but I wasn’t a walking bomb—no need for her careful gaze on me. It just made my blood boil as I tried not to stomp while I went inside the restroom, glad that I was alone inside. It was colder in here compared to the diner and I shivered as I realized the window was open. I headed towards the sink, eager to warm up my hands with a little warm water, but I gasped once I saw my reflections in the mirror. Jesus Christ, I looked horrible, no wonder the girl was looking at me like that and asking me to leave—even if the reason was me not having money on me. My hair stuck to my face and looked matted in certain spots. My cheeks were completely flushed with the tip of my nose red as well, and I had dark streaks running down underneath my eyes. I forgot to take off my eyeliner and mascara before going to bed and since they weren’t waterproof—here I was, looking like a character straight out of a fucking horror movie. I chuckled as I turned on the faucet and instantly sighed at the feeling of warm water against my hands, warming my freezing limbs a bit. I quickly gathered water in my palms and splashed it against my cheeks, warming them up as well, sighing in content. I was still shivering, my toes frozen, but this was helping.

『I don't care enough to miss you

After all the shit we've been through

My heart's comatose, comatose』

I let the warm water run as I ran my fingers through my hair, easing the knots in them and trying to make it look presentable as I basically brushed the wet strands back on my head, my hair already curling naturally. The next step was to get rid of the mascara and eyeliner streaks underneath my eyes and even cheek, so I quickly washed them off before turning the faucet off and grabbing some dry towel paper from the holder, drying off my face and hands. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, realizing that my chest felt so much lighter, there was nothing squeezing against my throat anymore.

“You’re fine,” I whispered to myself, gulping, “Fuck, you’ve got this, you’re okay, Y/N, you are okay. You’ve been pushing your feelings away for too long, of course they blew up in your face, you stupid bitch. I really have to stop doing this to myself, ugh—”

I rolled my eyes as I threw the used towel paper in the trash bin and then looked back at myself in the mirror, narrowing my eyes at myself and pointing a finger threateningly at my reflection, “Stop being a sappy bitch, alright? You’re better than this. Yunho’s got his shit together, why can’t you do the same, huh? Just go out there and find a fucking boyfriend, it’s not that hard—wait, no, actually don’t do that! I don’t need no man, got it? Got it.”

I nodded once firmly, a small grin forcing itself onto my lips, making me scoff at myself—sure, of course, bring Yunho into your peptalk, Y/N, very smart—but I just couldn’t help it. At least I was feeling better now, almost laughing at myself at how stupid I was as I stepped back and pulled my shoulders back, nodding at myself encouragingly. I got this! But now I had to run home in the pouring rain, that thought alone was enough to make me cry again, but I willed myself to stop. No more crying. No more sobbing—especially not because of the pouring rain. It was my mistake that I didn’t check the weather or bring an umbrella. I should’ve just gone to bed when I planned to, damn these stupid thoughts. With a last glance at myself, I decided that I was ready to leave the restroom and head home, my mother probably worried sick about me at this point since my phone wasn’t working either. I walked up to the door and grabbed the doorknob firmly, yanking it open a little bit too enthusiastically, but as I went to step outside, the male’s restroom door right across mine opened as well—and I paused, surprised.

Song Mingi was staring back at me just as surprised as I was.

❱❱ Next chapter

[emptymasks]

so this hasn't happened in like a year

[ID: a tweet from me saying that my art has been stolen with screenshots of the art they stole badly cropped out and put on a tshirt with text that says 'yes, darling? do you need something?' and another screenshot of the store page. next to it is a screenshot of my original Goostarion artwork I posted to Tumblr and Twitter 6 days ago.]

someone stole my art. again. please never buy from tshirt shops like this on etsy. they are 100% stolen fanart and stolen official art. my own goostarion artwork as a sticker is one of the first results on etsy when you search for baldur's gate (which, thank you guys so much for that) and so perhaps because i put him on etsy you might see the tshirt and also think it's mine without checking the shop name. but it's not. and multiple people have the shirt in their basket. if an artist is selling their own work as a shirt it will be in their own shop, or perhaps in a redbubble/teespring shop under the same name. and it won't be a badly cropped version of their art with their watermark painted over.

[ID: a screenshot of the shop selling stolen art, SweetieBestieStore on Etsy. They have had 85 sales, 12 reviews with an average of 5 stars, the listing for the shirt with the art they stole from me says '3 people have this in their basket'. There is also stolen art by artists I tracked down using Google's Reverse Image Seacher they are grimmsever on Twitter, BryeArt on RedBubble and twistedlonewolf on Twitter. please support the actual original artists. their art has all been cropped, backgrounds erased and/or text placed next to it.]

i've repoted the listing, we'll see if etsy does anything. no one else can report it for copyright other than the person who owns the copyright so. we'll see if anything comes of that. i've reported stuff on other websites before like wish and amazon and got them taken down, but never etsy before so i don't know how quickly they work on these things or what the response could be. i have no idea if this post will reach any of the people who have this shirt in their basket on etsy, anyone who's scrolled past items like these on etsy, but please don't support shops like these.

[ID: a screenshot of my own Etsy shop 'emptymasks' where I have search for 'baldurs gate' within my own shop to show only my baldur's gate items, you can see my original artwork for goostarion which i have been selling as a sticker this past week since i drew him.]

And if you want Goostarion, you can just buy him as a sticker off my own shop. Or you could reblog the original post I made of the artwork here.

Ugh this isn't what I wanted to wake up too. I really hope no one buys anything more from their page.

[chronicbeans]

Wally Darling with a Restoration Project Reader (part 7)

We just got a letter! We just got a letter! We just got a letter! Wonder who it's from?

TW: None that I know of.

🗞️As you look through the mail with the other two, you begin to notice something. The lettering on them is more colorful than the one on the VHS tape's box. That wouldn't be such a red flag on its own, but the handwriting is also different. In fact, each letter has one of a few different types of handwriting: neatly printed, messily printed with an extremely shakey look to it, or an elegant looped cursive style. The letters all have a different set of colors based on which handwriting there is. The most interesting to you is the cursive, due to it having only two colors compared to the others that have four to five: a metallic gold and a shimmering baby blue, almost as if written with a professional art marker.

🗞️ You want to tell the others about the odd observation involving the VHS compared to the other mail, but they don't know of its existence. Considering how badly Daniel seems to have reacted to watching it, you are even more sure that they shouldn't know of it. You don't know if maybe Daniel just has a weak stomach or if it really is the tape doing something, but you don't want to find out. If anybody is going to be watching it again, it is going to be you. However, you can still let them know of the other observations...

🗞️ "Hey, guys, what if it is three people sending us stuff. Look, the handwriting is different. The coloring is, too!" They look at you as if you are crazy, before taking a closer look. Amy is the first to respond "Oh, yeah! You are right! I really like the cursive, it is so pretty! Whoever it is truly recognizes that it is an art form!" You roll your eyes "Amy, that isn't the important part. It may be pretty, but do you know what this means if it really is three different people? We could be getting conflicting information, or there could be three different streams of information we could focus on! Like, maybe the cursive guy is sending in the book pages, the neat print guy is sending in concept art, and the shakey print guy is sending in promotional material! So much stuff could be going on just because three people are sending it! If that is true, we need to take note of it!"

🗞️ Finn leans back, staring at an envelope "You could be onto something. Nice catch! Alright, let's switch this up. Amy, since you like the cursive writing so much, you open up mail only from him. I'll open up the shakey handwriting mail, and (Y/N), you can open up the neat print. Look for any patterns you find in what they send. Got it?" "YIPPEE FOR CURSIVE!"

🗞️ You begin going through the mail, finding that a lot of the mail this person sends has to do with the characters of Frank and Eddie. Frank and Eddie talking about mail and butterflies. Frank telling Poppy about things. Eddie concept art. Frank concept art. Anything about these two.

🗞️ After some time, Amy asks "(Y/N), you are focusing mainly on Wally, Barnaby, and Home, right?" "Yep. Why do you ask?" She hands you her mail, saying "This guy sends a lotta stuff about those two. Let's switch."

🗞️ So, the two of you switch it up. Now, you are getting a lot of mail about Wally painting, be it Home's walls or Barnaby's paw pads. Barnaby telling jokes, only to be booed for how bad they are. Wally singing to Home.... Wally singing to Home...

🗞️"Do you think we can figure out who sent this from looking around town? Think about it. We live very close to where The Playfellow Workshop was built. Maybe the people sending this have something to do with the people who worked there? How else could they get concept art? Wouldn't it make sense that most of the workers lived nearby, and as such, their families, too? So their descendants might be here in town."

🗞️ Amy chuckles "Descendants make them seem ancient! Their relatives most likely are grandchildren or something. You always have such an odd way of speaking. That's why we like you, though. We all have our quirks. (Y/N) has that weird way they keep staring at anything Wally related. I think they have a crush on the puppet man." You choke on your own spit, coughing as you say "You are such a child, Amy. He is just an interesting character... Let's just... Let's just set up a date to ask around town. I'll ask about the cursive writing."

🗞️ Amy giggles "I know, I know. Sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I have a small crush on Julie. How about tomorrow? My boss gave me the day off." Finn nods "Yeah. I am always free. I work online. I could just get my work done early in the morning." You shrug "Sure. I am free. No job, remember?" Finn looks at his phone "Okay. I'll ask Daniel tomorrow morning if he feels any better. He just texted me that he still doesn't feel good."

[malacandrax]

Had the enlightening thought that I could use my blog for blogging. I don't love splitting myself into separate marketable entities, so I'll probably post more craft stuff here. (I have a passing knowledge of So many hobbies it's a bit ridiculous- my most developed are probably doll customisation (wigs, faceups etc), sewing tiny clothes and maybe crochet.) I thought I would share some patch process from...2021? (ugh)

I don't know how many of you will have seen on twitter, but I've started making patches for my jacket after being deeply dissatisfied with what I could find online (I find that I need to know & search for a creator specifically or I just get mainstream patches... 'bee happy' etc)

The Billie patch (of the painting) was actually me going 'I wonder if posca works on fabric' and I tested it on the smallest scrap, which bit me in the ass, because I did that face with no planning or sketch and it came out perfect, no way I was going to do it that good again. SO i stitched it onto a bigger bit of black fabric, which is surprisingly unnoticeable in the end!

The rainbow strip was made because I didn't like how clean and manufactured store bought flag patches are, I wanted something undeniably gay, but a little more subtle and personal. I chose the colours to be a bit softer (I'm aware the dark brown should be black, I had no grey to pastel-ify it with, like I did the others) and I've seen little rainbow strip lapel pins before, so I sort of copied that in fabric form.

The next is Brian Molko in the 'Pure Morning' video, which I watched so much when I was younger. I put a screenshot through a binarization filter, and tried my best to copy it down. It was going really well, and then I foolishly placed it over my photo to see how it lined up (badly) and I went back in and completely ruined the likeness. While it wasn't a good copy, I still think it looked good before I went over it. SO I made another :'). I also sort of fixed up the first, because seeing it on the desk was embarrassing me.

I also added the embroidery in the colours I think of when I try and remember the video (his lips particularly were sort of coral coloured and the androgyny struck me hard as a teen)  The Eve Elloree was from an old gay magazine- the art director asking for assistance, I just thought it was really fucking cute haha Way more info on my long ass twitter thread.

The extremely badass black and white one is from superpose! And the fruits wizard is here (because im a fruit, har har)

Hopefully I can make more this year, I have too many hobbies and not enough wrist stamina!

[kynimdraws]

INFO POST

Name: Kylee (they/them). 30+

A totally normal Korean American mostly known for my drawings, specifically my Pokemon nuzlocke comics. But I will talk about other things on occasion because I do have periods of being fixated on certain topics. I also am a doctor!

Interests: Pokemon, League of Legends (everything except the game lmao), Fire Emblem, Advance Wars, Animal Crossing, Mother series, Korean history/culture, character design

General FYIs: 

General inquiries/commission work/etc should be sent thru kynimdraws [at] gmail [dot] com! Tumblr messaging/asks/etc is not 100% reliable

I will not follow NSFW accounts but I am fine talking/interacting with them. There may be suggestive shitposting but I like keeping my content on the SFW side

I am VERY picky about who I follow/interact with online. Fandom content in particular is a minefield for me aka I have many things I dislike and don’t want to see, even if it might be a popular thing in media that I otherwise enjoy. Therefore, I will unfollow/block/mute liberally. There are times I accidentally block a blog bc I mistake them for bots. So if you got hit with that, just send me an ask or email me

I am very open about what I like and dislike, and none of those things are a direct attack on your sensibilities. I have never gone out of my way to directly send hate or whatever have you if I end up seeing shit I don’t like. My complaints in my little online space ain't a personal attack on you.

My ask/submission box/DMs  are open for criticisms if you have any issues you want to resolve in private. No one is perfect and I may have done ignorant shit that needs to be pointed out. I have deleted or edited posts in the past if people tell me what I did wrong. PS I get that some of my stuff may upset you, but try to act civil when pointing shit out please.

I try to tag all my things whenever I can. Again, send me a message if anything bothers you. I am all for good debate but if you send me excessive hate or threats bc I have different opinions about matters that are trivial, I will block/delete them.

If you wish to use any of my hcs, please credit me. And if you are comfortable with it, send me the works so I can check them out! Or @ me if that is easier.

---

FIRE EMBLEM FYI: Specifically for 3Houses/3Hopes because I need a separate one for this franchise specificially given how many crazy things I got due to being involved in this fanbase via my fanworks:

DO NOT try to convince me to like or tolerate Byleth/student ships, ESPECIALLY the ones with the lords (aka CIaude, Dimitri, EdeIgard). I already summarized why I don’t like FE3H Byleth ships with student chars here. While the spinoff game FEW3H has now removed that teacher/student problematic situation, the fandom keeps putting the FE3H elements into the FEW3H fanworks (i.e. remembering Byleth from “another life” trope)...so no thanks!! DO NOT SHOW ME IT!!!

As for the Byleth ships with faculty members, my response is here so don’t try to bait me about that topic either thanks.

I do not care whom you ingame S-support. 3Houses limits the dating-sim part of the game to that character, so I cannot care less about how you play the game. The main issue I have is when people treat Byleth the “character” as a legit ship material when I personally think they are a cool character ruined by fans who are too obsessed with badly executed self insert otome tropes bc they self-project super hard onto them. Just to be clear, any FE3H or FEW3H OC/Canon >>>>>>Byleth ships personally. Even Byleth-sonas that remove the teacher/student aspects are better than canon FE3H!Byleth

Please don't drag FE VA statements as some sort of “gotcha” on my opinions like this post here. IDC what other people prefer with ship shit, that’s their problem and not mine. I am not gonna bother them about it. So don’t bother ME about it.

---

Links to check out:

Myths of Unova + Episode Grey (Pkmn White/White2 Comic)

Tales of Sinnoh (Pkmn Diamond Comic)

Art Site (Portfolio)

Twitter 

Instagram 

[robobirdie]

Arts for my Ninjago short

I made some illustrations for my story Anatomy of a Droid.

This illustration goes with this part of the story:

As Pixal had stated most of his systems had been shut down so were not making noise but it wasn’t quiet in his body. To indicate its healthy alive state Zanes power source not only gave off a quite low hum but a slightly electric toned sound that mimicked a normal hearts beats. Outside his body the sound along with the many other sounds his body made when active and functioning normally generally couldn’t be heard unless you pressed your ear against his body near the sounds source. His synthetic muscles and skin helped dampen the sounds to keep his functioning quiet both for his hearing and others. The sound from his heart had Jay and Kai unsettled. The others found it a bit unnerving but were pleased to hear it. The sound meant he was still alive and that his heart was okay. Zane’s power source was unique; none of them had a clue what exactly it was though in their investigations of it Jay and Nya found several very rare materials it could be but they weren’t sure which it best matched with. All they knew was outside Zane, Pixal who shared half the material from Zanes heart and a few other droids they had come across through their travels were the only ones to have and use this substance and Zanes father had never told them what it was or how he came to get it. They were guessing he wanted to keep the source secret and they felt that was probably a good thing. Whatever it was this material was very powerful able to not only give life to those of artificial make functioning like a battery for the energy that gave them life but had the potential to give great power under the right circumstances. When used as the power source for a droid it could give a long lifespan as long of course if it was taken care of properly such as not letting energy outputs get too low which was why Zane and others who shared his style of power source had a specially designed digestive system which could convert matter into an energy format their hearts could use and store. While this power source didn’t have the dangers of highly corrosive acid like a typical battery it had the great risk of exploding if overworked or overloaded by something like Jays powers. Because of this and not wanting to get electrocuted as well as Zanes body was very conductive they all agreed that Jay should refrain from using his powers while they were inside Zane. They didn’t want to do anything that could hurt his power source; while not entirely sure both Nya and Jay who understood Zanes anatomy best as they frequently worked on him and Pixal in order to keep them healthy were pretty sure if his power source stopped working for whatever reason it would not start again and without it they would lose Zane. They defiantly didn’t want that. 

When they got to the area of his left shoulder they could see some of the damages Pixal talked about but none of them could see one of these worms. The synthetic muscle that attached from the replica collarbone to a prong on the replica of an upper arm bone to help pull his arm up had been de-attached from the upper arm. They inspected the site.

“This doesn’t look too badly damaged. Some minor cuts to the synthetic fibres but some synthetic re-grow should fix it,” Nya noted and Kai wondered, “is that what that weird sickly yellow green liquid stuff I’ve seen you and Jay use while working on him is?”

“Yha, you should always use gloves when working with it cause if you get it on your skin it really burns; it makes synthetics re-grow while it de-grows organics,” Jay noted and Cole commented, “yha I can attest to that. I mistook it for peroxide once and boy was that a mistake. Made the cut worse and gave me blood poisoning. That was an unpleasant week. To be fare it was in the same bottle as the peroxide… I guess I should have read the label though before using it.”

“And that’s why we now keep the first aid equipment for Zane and Pixal in separate different looking containers and we don’t keep them in the bathroom with our first aid supplies,” Nya commented before Lloyd wondered, “what does that stuff do exactly?”

“Basically it makes synthetics re-grow and repair themselves. Unlike our fleshy makes the materials that make up Zane and Pixals make generally cannot repair themselves without an external aid. Only components of their digestive tracts can do that but that’s because those parts are made from tougher more complex self repairing synthetics unlike everything else which lack that ability. That’s where that stuff comes in. It’s a bit dangerous to work with and takes a few hours to complete its work but is much cheaper, just as efficient and I’m pretty sure Pixal and Zane prefer that method over other methods especially just removing and replacing parts. Unless something gets too badly damaged we use that method to fix things for them,” Nya explained and Cole commented while they continued to inspect the site, “yha I’m probably with them. I don’t know about you but it probably isn’t a nice feeling to just have a part of your body removed and thrown away if some things wrong with it. Like that was a part of you, part of your being and it just gets thrown away like some piece of trash. Sure it was damaged but it was still part of you part of what made you well you. Having that done probably would make you feel disposable; like your being means nothing like your life is almost meaningless and fake if someone does that. I know that’s how I would feel having something like that done.” They all looked at Cole a little taken back by his rather morbid comment.

“Yha I could see how that would really bother them; that’s not something pleasant to think about,” Kai agreed and Jay stated, “by the looks the only damage done here is to the fibres. Everything else is fine.”...

This one is for this part:

“You should recognise these structures brother, you had to help replace parts from them remember that?” Nya regaled and Kai stated, “yha don’t remind me; it was uncomfortable seeing and working on his insides. I never meant to hurt him, it was an accident. I didn’t realise he was there when I made that fire storm. I was just cutting off the bad guys so they couldn’t escape I didn’t mean for him to end up breathing in incredibly hot burning embers. To be fair Zanes disguise was really good, a little too good I didn’t know he was there.”

“How hot did you make that fire? It melted many of the sensors in his lungs and damaged most of the rest plus some of its tissues. We had to replace the whole things! Zane just wanted to repair what was there but it was all too badly damaged,” Jay explained and Kai noted, “I helped out with the cost and work in the repairs to show I was sorry. I prefer not knowing what his insides are like but I felt so bad especially since he spent a week in pain, with off sounding and weird breathing and frequently coughing from what I did. It was so sad, like seeing a sick kitten or puppy. He can shut off systems so why did he keep his breathing going if it was causing him such problems? It was to make me feel bad wasn’t it?”

“No more like the opposite. He didn’t want to unnerve anyone. He knows when he doesn’t breathe it unsettles some of us especially you and Jay…” Nya began and Kai commented, “there is just something unsettling seeing someone who’s living and so human like not breathing…” Nya continued, “yha that plus when he had his breathing off so he could get some sleep Lloyd had a bit of a panic thinking he was dead when he went to check on him so Zane kept them active to not scare or worry anyone despite the problems they were giving him.”

“Hey he was unnervingly still, he’s normally a restless sleeper so that wasn’t normal plus he wasn’t responding to me when I tried to wake him, that’s usually not a good sign. I was worried,” Lloyd commented as they inspected the area for the worm or signs of where it had gone. The only thing they could see was a rip in the side of his synthetic lung just large enough for one of these worms to pass through.

“He wasn’t responding because he was in a deep sleep being very tired from the days events and from having trouble getting to sleep because of the damages to his lungs. He didn’t want to be disturbed so set his body to basically a sort of do not disturb mode so he could get some sleep,” Nya regaled and Cole commented, “Yha cause Jay has a rude habit of disturbing others while they’re trying to sleep.” Jay added while they inspected the tear in Zanes lung, “I’d say sorry but there is no need for anyone to be sleeping till noon; sure I sleep in late but I’ve rarely gone that late besides it’s not fun having to wake any of the rest of you up. You can all be rather rude. You’ve punched me, thrown me across the room, thrown stuff at me, hit me with blasts of fire ice dirt water or energy not to mention set my clothes on fire, freeze me from the waist down to the floor, sent the chicken after me do I need to go on?” 

“I think I’m with everyone when I say when you’re sleeping it’s not pleasant to be awoken especially by your loud babbling and frantic shaking when you do it. Maybe we should wake you up in the same way,” Cole expressed and Jay commented, “hey what I do is not as annoying as some of you. Flipping my bed on its side, dragging me out of bed, making an earthquake, freezing my room, playing pranks on me like lighting off those little loud firecrackers in a metal bucket oh and how could I forget the time you dragged my bed outside and left me in the courtyard… during a rain storm! Again do I need to go on?”

“Hey sometimes you deserve it besides your reaction to some of those methods is hilarious anyway change of subject why is his lungs different colored from his synthetic muscles?” Cole wondered and Jay noted, “really you can tell it’s a different color.”

“What do you mean by that?” Cole wondered and Lloyd noted, “you have a tendency to mis-describe colors or not recognise them properly.” Jay added, “yha did you ever take that test we suggested you to?”

“I did,” Cole commented uneasy about talking about this and Jay wondered, “and what answer did you get?” Cole took a moment to respond.

“I have something called due-ter something. I forget the name it just means I can’t really tell the difference between red and green very well,” Cole noted and Jay commented while Lloyd cautiously approached the tear to look into it, “that explains some things like often mixing up Lloyd and Kais clothes or not following our instructions in video games like hit the red button and not the green.”

“Can we not make fun of my problems,” Cole commented annoyed by Jay who replied while Lloyd looked into the tear, “I’m not making fun just surprised you could tell his lung is a different color. As for why it is like that it’s to help differentiate the various components of his anatomy that way when you’re working on him you know which parts are for what system. You don’t want to accidently hook the wrong things up to each other. That really won’t help him and could cause problems.” Lloyd couldn’t see anything; it was too dark. He wasn’t wanting to venture deeper to get a better look unnerved by the dark and the fact the tear led to inside one of Zanes organs but as he tried to back up so someone else could take a more thorough look into the structure he was knocked off balance by Kai who unnerved by where he was wasn’t watching where he was going bumped into him. Lloyd tried to catch his balance but fell through the tear. The next thing he knew he fell a few steps down landing face down on a slightly elastic surface. The others quickly rushed over to the tear to get a look at what happened.

“I’m fine just watch your step,” Lloyd commented as he got on his knees and looked around. The others cautiously made their way to him Kai commenting nervous and trying to hide his feelings, “great we’re in his lung aren’t we? I was really hoping we wouldn’t end up in any of his organs.”

“Trust me this is probably the nicest and safest place you could end up in his body. Not much can hurt us in here. Trust me there is way worse places in Zanes body to end up in,” Jay commented and Kai quickly noted, “please don’t tell me I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know about them.” Compared to what they had been dealing with so far with relatively cramped conditions Zanes lungs were quite spacious and they were able to fully stand up. The place looked to be no more than an elastic synthetic made sack that in its resting state as it currently was it was only about a half its potential volume but it was still more spacious than what they had been dealing with...

Finally for this part:

“No no this is real bad! We’re in Zanes stomach! We’re going to get digested! There’s no way out we’re doomed! This can’t be happening it can’t be!” Kai was panicking causing Lloyd to give him a smack to knock some sense into him. It snapped some sense into him silencing him but he was still on edge and freaked out.

“Of all the places we could end up in this is the worst! There are only two directions we can get out of here and I’m not wanting to get out through the other direction especially if it involves having to go through the rest of his system!” Jay began to panic and Nya stated, “Jay chill Pixal will help us out of here. We’re not going to have to go through the rest of his system… I hope.”

“There are ways of getting out of here without having to go through his entire system right?” Lloyd worried and Nya explained, “yha. To make it easier to work on his digestive system is split into four main parts which can each be separated separately for work; his throat, stomach, small intestines and large intestines. Unfortunately though the worm could lock them preventing Pixal from operating them or if the worm went further in his system we might have to go down there to get it.”

“Let’s hope we don’t have to do that,” Cole commented. They took a moment to look at their surroundings as they all cleaned themselves off a bit having the slimy substance which was Zanes equivalent to mucus, some of his digestive fluids and some matter that was in it on them. It was grossing all of them out. The synthetic material that made up Zanes stomach was the same color as his throat a green tinted dark purple color. It was dark and would have been pitch black in there if it wasn’t for the lights on their attire. Since he was laying on his back everything in Zanes stomach was orientated so everything in it was lying on the back of the organ. They were situated by the top of his stomach by the entrance and their lights didn’t reach very far preventing them from seeing much in there. They took that as something relatively good as they were pretty sure they didn’t want to see what else was in there or the other end. What they were already seeing was gross and unnerving enough for them. Further hindering their lights and visibility was a slight haze in the air which they were guessing came from some of the gasses being produced by his digestive process. They were also guessing these gasses were partially responsible for the strong, unpleasant and chemically tainted smell that burned their noses a bit. Unfortunately their masks were only partially blocking the smell. While not too bad none of them found the smell very pleasant. Along with making their noses burn they felt a bit sick from it.

“This is the worst place we could have found ourselves in! So gross and dangerous! Very dangerous! At least it doesn’t smell too bad rate now,” Jay complained trying to calm down and not lose it making Lloyd who was unsettled wonder, “What do you mean not too bad, it can smell worse in here?”

“Yha, Cole and Kais cooking can make it way worse like that time Cole made that stuff before Wu got lost after battling the time twins that made us all super sick…” Jay began and Kai commented looking around terrified at where he found himself, “how could any of us forget that. It was nasty. All of us except for Zane and Wu spent the night in the bathroom so we didn’t have to rush to the toilets every time we had to throw up. You spent most of the night thinking we were dying. Wu was smart not to have some of that stuff.”

“Hey it felt like we were dying didn’t it! Anyway Zane didn’t escape from that stuff either. Pixal warned him it was dangerous but he didn’t listen not wanting to be rude. What it did to him was nasty! Zanes system made the stuff into this very sticky dough looking stuff that got stuck and clogged up his stomach and like the first 20 centimetres of his intestines. It was not only disrupting and obstructing his system but causing him quite a bit of pain. It smelt horrid, one of the worst things I’ve ever smelt. To make it worse we had to use our hands to clean a good deal of it out of his guts…” Jay regaled and Cole expressed, “please don’t remind me of that. If the smell hadn’t been bad enough you making me clean the stuff out with my bare hands just made it worse… just remembering it makes me want to throw up.”

“I considered that your punishment for making us all sick and having caused Zane such a problem. That stuff was nasty to clean up and it took over four hours to clean it all out. Luckily we put Zane offline so he wouldn’t feel anything. The whole thing would probably have been more unpleasant not to mention painful for him than us especially since we had to use some non conventional tools to clean it out like one of the bottle cleaners from the kitchen. That probably would not have felt good having that used to scrub your insides. Luckily the sensors in his digestive system have a thin coating of the systems synthetic tissues coating them so the stuff didn’t get into the structures to cause damages or clog them but the stuff was defiantly interfering with their proper functioning and irritating them. That whole ordeal is why you started taking cooking lessons isn’t it?” Nya expressed and Cole stated, “yha that and some other things. You guys always making fun of or complaining of my cooking is another.”

“You know sure it normally is not nice smelling in here it’s not supposed to but I think the smell is stronger and fouler than it should be. I also don’t recall a haze in here. I think because his systems have been off for a few hours but there is still stuff being broken down in here the gasses made by the process have built up a bit instead of being emptied or moving on in his system to then be emptied like they normally would making the smell worse than it should be,” Nya noted. Despite Zane not having anything for breakfast there was still some stuff in his stomach. Most of what was in his stomach was the leftover scraps from the previous night’s dinner that hadn’t moved on yet in his system with tougher materials like bones that were still getting broken down being the only things still relatively intact. Most of the bones which looked to have been from two or three bones had been broken bitten into various sized chunks with one that looked like it had just been swallowed partially whole probably by accident. All were scattered about the place floating or sitting in the acid and all showed heavy signs of acid damage and had bits and chunks dissolved from them. Most of the softer matter was largely to fully dissolved making it hard to really identify what they had been and was just stuck in there because his system wasn’t active preventing it from being able to move into the rest of his system. The peach pit was from a peach Zane had been given for lunch two days earlier and was half broken down. Whereas the others not even Cole would eat a peach pit Zane wasn’t bothered by eating it sometimes swallowing a peach whole. It wasn’t healthy for him to eat the pit and even though he could break it down he was unable to convert most of the matter from it into energy so they were not entirely sure why he had a bad habit of eating them.

“Why are there bones in here? Feels like I’m in a gator with them here. I made enough for everyone to have their fill last night he didn’t have to eat the bones as well,” Cole commented looking around at their surroundings and Lloyd agreed unsettled, “why are there bones in here?”

“I’m not sure; I can’t see how Zane would enjoy them so I think he does it by accident or maybe he doesn’t understand he’s not supposed to eat them or that he doesn’t need to eat them. He also tends to eat other things that you’re not supposed to like peach pits, the skin to melons and pumpkins and the whole of a corn cob though he can’t turn most of the matter from those to energy even though he can break them down. I know he can not only break down bones but is capable of converting some of the materials from them like the marrow into energy unlike the other things he eats that he’s not supposed to so it’s not bad for him to eat them. He’s just not supposed to purposely eat them. His ability to digest bones is meant to be a safety precaution to prevent damages if he was to accidently swallow some after all with his jaw strength and metal made teeth and bones it’s very easy for him to accidently eat bits of bone every now and then and when broken bones often develop sharp edges which could cut up and damage his system so his system dissolves them so they can’t hurt him. Eating them on purpose isn’t going to hurt him but it’s not the healthiest nor is necessary. Pixal doesn’t do it very often nor does she ever do it on purpose but then again she better understands what it means to be a nindroid and understands human ways much better than Zane does. If he is doing it on purpose then all I can think of as a reason behind it is maybe he doesn’t want to waste any of his food or maybe he doesn’t realise he isn’t supposed to eat them on purpose,” Nya noted and Lloyd noted, “I could see him not wanting to let them go to waste. He doesn’t eat everything like Cole but unless he doesn’t like it or it makes him sick or from what he says it has no use for him or is dangerous or causes him problems he’ll eat most things including things people can’t eat or drink like motor oil and unlike some of us he always tries to eat all of his meal especially if it’s something someone else made and gave him; he thinks its rude to refuse it. He might not eat it all at once like Cole will but will save it and finish it later. He also has a habit that when someone gives him something to eat or drink as a gift he'll have it even if he doesn’t like it, it hurts him or makes him sick; he thinks it’s really rude to not have it even if he doesn’t like it or it hurts him. Remember that fermented fish stuff someone gave us once?”

“Dude how could we, that smell was horrid!” Cole commented and Kai regaled, “that was one of the worst things I’ve ever smelt! Just the smell made us all nearly barf! Pix and Zane were lucky they could turn off their sense of smell around that stuff.”

“How could we not forget that stuff!” Jay agreed and Lloyd regaled, “yha, none of us were going to have the stuff but not wanting to let it go to waste Zane had it… well him and Cole after we dared him to have some.”

“Yha the taste was slimy and gross even after rinsing them and it did not make me feel very good after that. I am never having that stuff again. We should have just taken the stuff to a zoo or park and fed some gators the stuff,” Cole regaled and Nya added, “yha Zane didn’t feel too good from it either. The chemicals and bacteria from the fermenting of those things upset his system. A droids system doesn’t handle fermented matter very well; the chemicals and bacteria from it upsets and irritates their systems and they can’t process the stuff very well.”...

To read the full story you can go here: archiveofourown.org/works/4469…

You can also view the images here: https://www.deviantart.com/robo-birdie/gallery/90881021/anatomy-of-a-droid-works Story synopsis: Something is attacking Zane from the inside. To save him the ninja are shrunk and sent inside him to find the culprits who are scattered throughout his insides and stop them before they can destroy him for good. Will they be able to save him in time and who is responsible for this attack? Along the way the others learn about the anatomy of droids like Zane and a bit of how he sees the world. You also get some tales of daily shenanigans from everyone.