#I wanted to buy so many industrial hooks it’s not even funny

[newts-and-sharks]

Things I impulsively wanted to buy for no reaso, a thread that I will add to as I feel the impulse to buy stupid things that I have no use for

[fishmongeringstudies]

the year i turned twenty i stopped waiting for someone to save my life and started eating more vegetables

in the winter of 2018 i got a root canal done on the molar in the upper left-hand corner of my mouth. it had been on the verge of death for a while now; two years prior to that a visiting government-sponsored school dentist had taken a look at it, frowned, and then spent the next two hours wheedling all the rot out of that tiny black hole with a drill. unfortunately the solution he imposed was both extremely painful and temporary, and so two years after the initial incident i found myself once again at the dentist's (this time at a clinic; school dentists don't like to deal with the extra-gritty stuff and are not paid enough to do so). they stuck a needle in my gum, numbed three-quarters of my mouth, then drilled a hole through the center of my tooth and ripped the withering shred of nerve-tissue right out of it.

my dentist helpfully explained all of the above to me during our consultation session in the same office in which he would rip the top half of my tooth off a week later. he was a balding, smiling man whose speech did not, unlike many medical professionals i had met over the years, have an edge of condescension to it. i liked him. i would have liked him more were he not planning to essentially castrated my tooth.

several weeks later i went to another dentist who specialized in helping people in post-root canal limbo, and she stuck a shiny metal crown on what was left of my molar. we then scheduled a series of check-ups to ensure that the crown had not flown off its liege while i attacked an ice cube or something similarly bad for my teeth and mental health, which stretched on for so long that she became, more or less, my primary dental care physician. at first the check-ups were a month apart. then two. time passed. her hair grew longer and our conversations less awkward; she was beautiful and snarky and looked like she would shoot god without hesitation if he stepped into range of her gun. she wore her hair short, red tinged with gold, in a pixie-cut that fell over half of one eye. for a while i thought i was in love with her.

'do you floss?' she asked me on my second check-up.

'no,' i said.

'well.' she broke off a length of dental floss and began to wind it around her fingers. it looked like a death threat and she looked ready to kill, though her eyes were smiling. 'you should.'

for the first year after having an utterly destroyed tooth brought back from the brink of death via a grisly temporary solution that would, at best, buy me one or two decades of peace, i didn't. i didn't floss because when she did it for me in her tiny examination room my gums bled so much it took hours for me to wash the bitter taste of iron out of my mouth. blood is a nice concept and a nicer motif in writing. but it smells awful, and it's worst on the tongue. so i didn't floss my teeth, and i went through life with the kind of casual detached disinterest with which i had approached most things up until then. at my next check-up she asked once again if i had been flossing and i lied that i had. after poking and prodding around in my mouth for a few minutes and taking a scan for good measure she gave me a look and said dryly, 'you haven't been flossing at all, have you.'

disappointing your parents, your favorite high school english teacher, or even your best friend is nothing compared to the sheer embarrassment that comes from knowing your beautiful dentist asked you to do the bare minimum, and you failed to deliver. her voice was arid but we had known each other for long enough by then for me to detect a thin undercurrent of disappointment. i had done it. i had lost the support of the only person in my life who could be counted on to support me. because i paid her for her services. and she was also very funny in a quiet sarcastic way. and she was beautiful.

having had my ego wounded beyond description i resolved to floss from then on and succeeded in dragging my poor aching gums past the bleeding stage to a point where they were merely post-workout sore. then i lost interest and forgot about the white, sterile-smelling clinic that was a fifteen minutes' drive from my house and the little pack of dental floss on the bathroom counter faded into obscurity. two weeks before my next appointment in 2020, an alarm on my phone went off to inform me of the approaching day of judgment. i panicked.

'have you been flossing?' my dentist asked as i lay back in the faded green chair and she put on a pair of new gloves.

'yeah,' i said.

five minutes later, she removed her army of dentistry equipment from my mouth with a satisfied hum. 'i see that you have.' her eyes were smiling. 'your teeth look fine. i'll just clean them a little for you.'

i celebrated impressing my favorite dentistry professional in singapore by forgetting to floss for the next two months. soon after that i got on a plane to america, and then two more for good measure in case i hadn't grown sick of sitting and burning in my own skin already, and then twelve weeks of insanity ensued, the details of which we are surely all acquainted with by now. late nights, walks in the forest, afternoons spent in the sun. mismatched footsteps and strange acquaintances. an elaborate circus act staffed entirely by misguided but well-meaning teenagers. a ring of fire.

two weeks ago i bought a box of dental floss for ninety-nine cents. i think this might be what the anthropologists call 'adulthood'. i was at target with a friend and we were getting toothpaste, which we had both nearly run out of, when i saw the little flat box of dental floss hanging from a hook on the wall. my teeth weren't particularly disgusting (they haven't been, not since i learned how to brush them properly), but they weren't beautiful. it had been a while since i had been on my own mind. for the last three months, others' pain had been my main priority, and now that we had eliminated most of them from the picture, i found myself with more time in the mornings to stare at myself in the mirror and wonder how, exactly, i was doing.

how are you doing? i asked. and the answer was i felt like shit.

while i've stayed in dormitories before for extended periods of time i always got out of doing laundry by either submitting my dirty clothes to an on-campus service which disappeared them into a hole in the fabric of reality and returned them to you a day later, cleaned and folded outside your room so the first time i did laundry by myself in america, a week after arriving on campus, i felt invincible. buying an iced chai from the cafe on a thursday morning and then settling down to work on my laptop until my first class started at noon, i felt like a character in a career advisory ad, like someone who knew where they were going and how they were going to get there. standing in front of the bathroom mirror of my summer dorm, winding a strand of dental floss around my fingers, i felt like i had aged fifteen years in the span of just one, and that just this once, it was for the better.

according to my adult friends, no one ever fully feels or recognizes that they are an adult. adulthood is an ideal that all grown children strive towards the way body-builders aim for more and more muscle mass until there's nothing left of them but a pair of well-toned biceps. there are several industry-approved ways to be an adult, but there are no suggested ways to feel like one. this is part of the gaping maw of inadequacy our generation has fallen into. this afternoon i melted butter in a pan and beat two eggs, milk, salt, and garlic powder together in a bowl. pouring the egg mixture into the pan i began to scrape the edges frantically towards the center with a spatula. the whole process took no longer than two or three minutes. by the end of it my hand was shaking.

according to my adult friends you just wake up one day and start looking for ways to re-organize your pantry and that's when you realize: i'm getting old, aren't i? and i'm getting old, aren't i? twenty's just the start of what a friend recently told me her parents refer to as 'the decade of pain'. but the beginning of something is included in the timeline of its accomplishments, too, and it takes more blind faith to start something than we give ourselves credit for. i have never used a saucepan up until today. in my younger years i often boiled broccoli or cauliflower in a small pot over an electric stove. but the butter, the eggs, the smell of fat sizzling on a pan- this is new to me. this entire life is new to me.

leaving the familiar warmth of your family home, it suddenly occurs to you how fragile life is. how everything your mother has done for you until now has kept you on the path forward, and now you have been given the keys to the basement you have to remember to buy laundry detergent before you run out. it all comes together like this: the humming laundry machines, the hand towels, the fridge full of fruit and cheese. it keeps you alive.

and it's awful. our generation doesn't know what self-care is because we're too busy trying to care for a world which tries, time and again, to kick us off the carousel of life and move on without its ephemeral teenage charges. we are bad at this 'living' thing because we often forget that we are alive at all. look out the window and the world's burning. look into the kitchen, and- quiet. this past year has done nothing to improve the paintings on the wall. we've all known hopelessness. we've all known what it's like to wake up and feel nothing at all.

and yet my flatmate has a new york times cooking subscription that she says we're welcome to borrow if we want to look up a recipe for something like paella, brownies, whatever. the other day she made shrimp scampi and when she knocked on my door and said 'i made food, if you'd like some' i remember thinking living with other people was worth it if you could sit around a table and twirl pasta noodles around your fork in silence. tomorrow i think i'll go to target again and see if i can find more acai. i miss it. i miss singapore's overpriced acai places and their stupid too-high chairs.

and i am living life clumsily, but who cares? a life is a life; all you have to do is live it. the rest can come later, after the dust has settled on the windowsill.

06.09.21

[blackstonesandtrapnest]

Ma’am MA’AM those yasu headcanons slayed me. I was 🥺🥺 in awe afterwards. Thank you for writing them!!!! By any chance would you be willing to write some for Shin too? 👁 sfw + nsfw, if you’re comfortable with it ahajsjdjddjd

Awww thank you for the kind words Anon! Yes I will definitely write for Shin! Such a gorgeous boy isn’t he? :) Also Shin is indeed aged up for reasons that should be obvious! Also NSFW under the cut!

~~SFW~~

Shin honestly doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to relationships. He’s self-destructive to the point of self-sabotage and his self-esteem and self-worth have been shot to hell quite frankly. Pursuing a relationship with Shin outright is ill-advised as you are definitely gonna get rejected.

Shin may be young but he’s not stupid. If you have any ulterior motives, keep it moving because Shin won’t go any further than a fuck-buddy relationship with you. He’s already used to women simply using him for his body and you’re not gonna fool him.

Shin doesn’t let people get close to him and he’s quite secretive. You’ll only find out what he wants you to find out. Don’t bother snooping as that’ll only make Shin angry and far less likely to open to you. Mind your own business and don’t be a snitch!

Needless to say, getting into a relationship with Shin will definitely be slow-burn. Emphasis on the word slow. If you want Shin to trust and open up to you, you’ll have to prove yourself to him and show that you genuinely care about him. Even then, there are probably still some things that Shin will probably never open up to you about and you’ll just have to accept that.

Once Shin feels like he can truly trust and love you, he’ll shower you with so much affection and it’s so adorable! He has a great need for security so expect a lot of hugs, kisses, and words of affirmation! No Shin doesn’t care who’s watching and if he’s being teased, he’ll pull a Reverse Uno on them to shut them up.

Shin’s need for security does extend to money which is the main source for how ambitious he is. He’s used to being spoiled so buying gifts for him doesn’t really do much for your relationship. He doesn’t mind when you do things for him and definitely appreciates it but it’s not the way to his heart. That being said, Shin will definitely support you in your own ambitions and if they happen to fall within the music industry, that’s even better! He’ll have your back no matter what!

Shin is very rebellious and does NOT like people telling him what to do or trying to enforce rules on him. He does what he wants when he wants. If you’re the kind of person who prefers being dominate in your relationship, you’ll definitely have a rude awakening with Shin. He can be quite a little shithead at times so you two will definitely have many arguments regardless. Making up can take a while because Shin will definitely hold a grudge against you. At this point, it’s best to just give him space so you can both cool off and try to resolve things.

Shin is quite possessive and wants all or nothing from you. He’ll put 100% effort into your relationship and wants the same from you in return. Shin isn’t worried about anyone taking you away from him but if he is feeling insecure, you’re gonna know about it without a doubt. He doesn’t contemplate and immediately goes in head-first when there’s a problem with you two. If someone is trying to get in between you two or simply be nosy, they’re gonna face Shin’s wrath and it won’t be pretty.

Shin is quite a wild person and loves taking risks as well as trying his luck. Perfect for a daredevil and someone who simply loves to let loose and have a good time! Speaking of which..........

~~NSFW~~

There’s a difference between having sex for money and having sex for pleasure which Shin has come to realize. With you, Shin wants nothing but pleasure, passion, and intimacy. Because of this, he’ll actually be a bit reluctant to have sex with you the first time around. He doesn’t want a simple fuck this time around and if it’ll be your first time having sex in general, Shin wants it to be special and unforgettable.

The minute you two start having sex, Shin considers your relationship official but he won’t stop prostituting either. But not because he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Shin only does it for survival and the money. If BLAST has hit it big by the time you two get together, then Shin will stop hooking without a second thought. The only person he wants on his dick is you and you alone! If you happen to be rich and successful, that will also make Shin stop hooking.

Despite his young age, Shin is vastly experienced and definitely has a high sex drive. He’s like the damn Energizer bunny! But if your sex drive is lower than his (which it most likely will be), then Shin will accommodate you and won’t push you to have more sex than you can handle.

Shin’s very open-minded so don’t be afraid to tell him what you like and don’t like. Talking about sex is like second nature to him and he has no shame. If you have any insecurities about your body or your performance, don’t be afraid to tell Shin about them. He’ll definitely make you feel better ;)

Shin’s utmost favorite kink is praise, both giving and receiving. Calling him a good boy will absolutely drive him insane and he also likes being called baby boy as well. Yes Shin has a Mommy/Mistress kink and yes he’s a sub. He may not like being dominated outside the bedroom but he definitely loves being dominated inside of it! Don’t be afraid to be rough with Shin either! He can handle it ;) When giving praise, Shin is absolutely filthy and quite detailed. You will definitely be blushing and at a loss for words once he starts talking!

Shin’s favorite positions include this, this, this, and this. He prefers rough and passionate fucking but if you want romantic love-making, he’ll give you that too! Shin will definitely fuck you in the studio and not give a single damn about it! Good thing the place is soundproof (it was his idea)! He will also fuck you backstage before and after a show! In fact, Shin isn’t afraid to have sex with you in risky places at all! Quickies are definitely his specialty and the risk of getting caught and/or being overheard is too good to pass up for Shin! You can also expect some sexting to happen as well!

It’s rare for Shin to be the dom but when he is, boy are you in for some fun! He likes to be called Master and he is one of the biggest teases ever! Shin definitely has many items and toys that he uses in bed with you and having a safeword with him is paramount since he can get pretty rough and sadistic and he doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable in any way.

A big no-no with Shin is verbal humiliation and degradation. He already has low self-esteem and self-worth as it is and he doesn’t need you adding to it with that kind of stuff. As for physical humiliation, Shin is more accepting of it but still has his limits. He also won’t use it on you as he doesn’t wanna be a hypocrite. But if you insist, prepare to walk funny for about a week!

Shin’s aftercare isn’t really the best since he’s usually the one receiving it so you’ll be the one doing the work. He definitely will have a cigarette after sex and loves to take a bubble bath with you while exchanging pillow talk and cuddling. This is when Shin will be at his most vulnerable so cherish it as much as possible because he’ll most likely tell you things that he hasn’t told a single soul. Please don’t abuse this or take it for granted!

[prettywordsyouleft]

Heaven

Prompt: #163 for @jinseunie​ – “Oh I didn’t realise you’re dead.”

jinseunie said:

hmmm 163. it seems like it could go many ways 👀

Pairing: Park Jinyoung x reader

Genre: university au / friends to lovers / fluff

Warnings: none

Word count: 1878

Groaning, you threw yourself down on Jinyoung’s bed, thumping the bed once and then you stilled completely. If you stopped breathing, you wouldn’t have to worry about anything anymore.

No more bad grades.

No more botched confessions to Mark Tuan.

And definitely no more gaining weight when you strayed from your diet to binge on chocolate after point one and two occurred.

“And hello to you too,” Jinyoung dryly greeted, not even moving from his desk to check on you.

“I’m dead, don’t bother me,” you spoke from within his pillow, wondering if you tried hard enough if you could actually become one with the furniture.

“Oh, I didn’t realise you’re dead,” your best friend continued, closing what sounded like a book and then pushed his chair back. “The dead sure can move into my dorm room quickly. Did you even use the door or did you apparate here?”

“Not funny.”

“Nor is your interruption. What do you want?”

Scowling as you finally lifted your head out from his pillow, you were met back with a similar look from Jinyoung. You huffed indignantly. “Even my best friend can’t help me in my time of need.”

“I asked what you wanted.”

“Peace. To escape. Everything’s a mess.”

“That’s not surprising when it comes to you,” he agreed and you gaped at Jinyoung, sitting up and pointing at him.

“Don’t you have a conscious?!”

“I have a conscious desire to kick you out when I’m trying to study for my thesis,” he bit back and you flung your legs off the bed and stood up, waggling a finger in his direction.

“Never ask me for help again!”

“When have I asked you for any?” Jinyoung questioned and you opened your mouth, only to close it. You repeated this until a smug smile crossed his lips. “Because I don’t live in a dramatic world like you do.”

“Sue me for having more going for me!”

He glowered and you cringed. “Take it back or get out.”

“Okay, so fine. You’re stable, I’m not. That’s what you like about us anyway. When you feel like being reckless you can rely on me. And when I need grounding, you’re always there. So ground me. Or I might just float off to heaven right now.” Jinyoung smirked. “Are you sure you’d end up there?”

“Stop berating me and be a friend, Park Jinyoung! I need you, okay!”

“Fine.” Throwing a leg over the other, Jinyoung folded his arms across his chest and waited expectantly.

You took a deep breath and began to relay your issues.

It wasn’t as if you hadn’t tried to solve them yourself first. You had asked for the extension on your assignment, given you had a family emergency, but that hadn’t been accepted. And like the evil witch she was, your lecturer hadn’t even taken into account the grievances you had faced and submitted alongside your essay.

She had left a less than stellar C- on the grading slot, the worst mark you had ever received.

Afterwards, you had misread the situation with your crush, blurting out in the cafeteria that you liked him. Mark had brushed you off politely, if rejection could ever be described as such.

When that was all said and done, you had eaten so much chocolate as you cried that you had felt sick for the entire following day.

Even if you told yourself you deserved better, you had concluded that it was in your nature to suffer like this. Another season of poor results both personally and academically.

You feared what it would be like when you left this institution and failed to get a job in the industry you wanted to, starving out on the street because you couldn’t even afford rent.

Jinyoung merely sat there when you had finished and then rolled his eyes. “As if you would starve.”

“I could!”

“You would mooch off of me.”

“Mooch?! I’m having a crisis and you play me like this?”

“You’re as dramatic as Jackson can be. Why didn’t you confess to him instead?” Jinyoung quipped and you groaned.

“You don’t take me seriously!”

“Because you don’t care to do the same for yourself, Y/N. You are acting like it’s the end of the world. You almost failed Math in high school but here you are studying in one of the best universities. Not only that, but you also received multiple acceptance letters and got to choose where you went. Not everyone is that lucky.”

“Only because of my creative writing. I’m on a scholarship, in case you’ve forgotten. A C-minus affects that!”

“So make a more rigid study program. You can recover with the next essay if you put in enough effort. You are good at working under pressure. Show that witch what you’re worth.”

“You think?”

Jinyoung sighed heavily. “As for Mark, how many times did I tell you he’s not interested in dating anyone? He merely hooks up with girls. And you let him hook up with you that one time and got it into your head you could change him.”

“Well, he was kind to me afterwards.”

“Who burns a bridge they could cross again if they need to?” Jinyoung retorted and your mouth fell ajar.

“Don’t eat so much chocolate next time. Go for a run or even a walk. Exercise will not only clear your mind but allow you to feel the same effect.”

“How does exercise comfort you?”

“One, your body won’t hate you for too much of it,” he pointed out and you nodded glumly. “And why didn’t you tell me any of this until now?”

“Because you told me not to interrupt you studying for your thesis.” Jinyoung’s eyebrow shot up with amusement as he gestured to your presence now. You laughed awkwardly. “I needed you.”

“Do you?” he asked softly, turning back for his desk. “I don’t know if you truly need me.”

“Who else is going to save me from starving on the streets?” you attempted loosely, noticing he didn’t laugh back. “Jinyoung?”

“One, I got a good grade on my last assignment but I never got excited about it like you do. Two, I’ve never confessed about how I feel for anyone because I worry they won’t like me the way I do them. Three, maybe chocolate isn’t so bad. At least you let your emotions out whilst eating it.”

“Why are you talking me up like this? I’d much rather be like you.”

Jinyoung smiled wistfully. “The feeling’s mutual.”

“You want to hook up with Mark Tuan?” you offered and Jinyoung rolled his eyes. Moving over to hug your best friend, you smiled encouragingly at him. “If you want chocolate, I’ll give you my stash. I’m on a no chocolate month.”

“You won’t last a week.”

“Give me credit, I could last two,” you corrected with a laugh, nestling your head into his chest. As his arms encased your body firmly, you sighed in content. This is what you had come here for. If there was one person on this earth that you knew could make you feel better and less erratic as he held you, it was Jinyoung.

You wouldn’t trade him in for anything this world had to offer.

Nuzzling his broad chest until you found the perfect spot for your head to rest, you smiled. “Jinyoung, you should confess when you feel strongly about people. Anyone would be grateful to have such an amazing human as their partner.”

“Even you?”

“Of course! I’m the luckiest person right now since I’m in your arms. I bet there’s a bunch of girls who would love to be in my position just waiting for their chance.”

“I don’t want them though,” he murmured. “Just you.”

“Well, here I am,” you answered, renewing your hugging position and sighing again with the comfort. However, Jinyoung stopped breathing and his chest turned rigid. You looked up at him. “What is it?”

“I want you,” he repeated, smiling softly. “I’ve never confessed because you always friend-zone me.”

“Wait, what?”

“I like you. Have for years. Who else would put up with how your mood swings from one end of the scale to the other? You’re crazy, Y/N. But you’re my crazy. Of course, I wouldn’t let you suffer because I’m always thinking about you.”

“Oh.”

“Are you going to reject me politely now?” Jinyoung edged, his dark eyes now removing the vulnerable expression that had resided there with his confession.

“Why are you always so slow when it comes to things like this?!” you complained and Jinyoung frowned. “I crushed on you so badly when I was ten. I even cried to my Mum about how handsome you were and how ugly I was!”

“You have never been ugly, Y/N.”

“And then you took Lisa to the formal instead of me in our first year at high school. Do you know how upset I was with you?! I had been hinting at you to buy a purple tie for it for three months all because my dress was purple!”

“You did?” Jinyoung started to frown.

You stomped your foot in annoyance. “And after finally getting over my crush on you since I’m now an adult and shouldn’t keep thinking of you that way, you confess?! Wow, why is my life like this.”

“I’m still trying to understand about you liking me first. That’s impossible. I know you inside and out.”

“I have loved you for years!” Letting him go, you waved your arms around excessively. “Why are you telling me this now?!”

“Will you not accept it?”

“Of course I will, but ugh, I’m just a mess! Back then I had the excuse of still growing up if you so much as liked me back. What can I give you now?!”

“Honestly?” Jinyoung breathed and shook his head, his lips spreading into a smile. Taking you back in his arms, he held you firmly. “Your heart, that’s what you can give me.”

“That’s all you want? What about an elegant partner who doesn’t disappoint you and isn’t clumsily making her way through life?”

“If I wanted all that, would I love you as much as I do?” Jinyoung teased and you thumped his arm as he chuckled into you. “Oh, I do want one other thing.”

“What?” you asked dejectedly and then blinked as Jinyoung’s hand curled around your chin so you would look up at him. You began to pout.

“Stop pouting and kiss me,” he instructed, leaning in to meet your lips. It wasn’t your first kiss; that you had given him in a game of truth or dare when you were thirteen.

But unlike that one, which had been a little more than a peck, this one continued until he had stolen your breath entirely.

Panting, Jinyoung pulled away and then rested his forehead on yours. He smiled. “Still feeling like life is hopeless and you need to give up?”

“Hm?” You blinked a few times and then smiled giddily. “You need to not let me go. I’m certain this time I will float away to heaven if you keep kissing me like that.”

“Even if you go there, I’ll be right beside you,” he confirmed, leaning in to kiss you again.

_________________

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[girlsbtrs]

An Interview with PLEXXAGLASS

Written by Olivia Khiel. Graphic by James N Grey. 

Non-binary dark pop artist PLEXXAGLASS has found their identity and carved out their own space in the music world. With the pandemic putting things on hold, they took to TikTok, reaching a new community of queer fans to connect with through songs like “Liar” and “Lilith” (the latter produced by Linkin Park’s Mike Shinoda). GBTRS spoke with Plexxaglass about collaborating with Shinoda, their gender identity journey and what they hope listeners will connect with in their music.

Girls Behind the Rock Show: Now that you have more music out, how would you describe the evolution of your sound from when you started to where you are now?

Plexxaglass: I love that question. Because it's kind of funny- I feel like I made a little bit of a circle. I say that because the first two songs that I put out- "Lament en Route" and "Liar"- they're pretty similar sonically to the songs that I'm putting out. So much so that I'm actually going to include those songs on the LP that I'll be releasing, tentatively in October. There's an interesting little gap between those first two songs, and then I put out three other songs that was like my experimental phase. I'm always having fun, but I was trying some different things. I'm happy that I did that and there were two music videos that came out of that cycle or phase. Those songs are "Dead-Eyed Monsters" and "Ana Thema". But I feel like I found my way back to what I found initially, which is really interesting and fun to realize now.

GBTRS: What's the story behind your latest singles? What was it like collaborating with Mike Shinoda on "Lilith"?

Plexxaglass: "Lilith" was a half-finished song honestly- maybe even a quarter-finished song when I even got in touch with Mike. That happened so serendipitously-I had a listener who was also a regular viewer of my Twitch channel and a huge Linkin Park and Shinoda fan in general who hit me up on Instagram and was like, 'Mike Shinoda is producing independent artists' tracks, you should totally submit'. 

I submitted what I had of "Lilith" at the time, which was only a verse and the hook. It was a song that I loved and I knew that I wanted to be finished. I'm not one of those musicians that can just be like, 'alright, I'm gonna write a song today'. I really have to be called by the Muses or some shit. I have to be very inspired. But when Mike reached out to me, that was incentive and inspiration enough. I think when I was sitting down to finish it, I finished in maybe 20 minutes. That's just how it happens sometimes. When it's there, it's there and I finish songs really quickly. The process of working with Mike was amazing, and him and his team told me in the beginning that it was going to be pretty hands off on my part. I knew going in that I was gonna have to take it or leave it, which was sort of scary. I was like, oh shit, what if I don't like it? Am I gonna have to tell Mike Shinoda that I don't want to release the work that he did on my track? Oh my god, that's so scary. But no, of course, he's just so versatile. He really is a musician's musician, and he just gets music in general- doesn't matter what genre it is. I believe my song is the one that he finished the fastest, which is very flattering. It made me feel like it was just very ready. He didn't really have to do too much to it. It was a really, really cool experience that I just will cherish forever and ever and ever.

GBTRS: The song came out beautifully so it's great that things worked out so well.

Plexxaglass: Yeah! And the inspiration behind that one- I wrote it out of a fascination with the second season of The Handmaid's Tale. I found that dynamic so fascinating. I find women or femme-presenting people who [are] in a marginalized group who buys into very oppressive religious practices horrifying and fascinating at the same time. That was the inspiration behind writing that and really sitting with wondering if there's ever an awakening with those people. That was really the basis for that whole song.

GBTRS: You've gotten to collab with Mike Shinoda, but is there anyone else on your list that you'd love to be in the studio with in the future?

Plexxaglass: Oh god, yeah. So many. Right off the top of my head...I love Bishop Briggs, I love Dermot Kennedy, Bon Iver, Annie from St. Vincent, Florence Welch. Those are the big ones. I would die happy if I ever got to collaborate with any of them. That would be amazing.

GBTRS: What else do you find yourself drawing inspiration from these days?

Plexxaglass: Up until this point, it's been very autobiographical. It's been very much things that have happened in my life. I am trying to get away from that because I'm somebody who writes more somber music. I have some anthemic stuff that's more uplifting, but it is dark pop. I am at a point in my life where I'm generally- I'm mentally ill- but I'm generally a happy person. There's not a lot of dramatic tragedy going on in my life at 30 anymore. I'm trying to write a little more abstractly these days, but the themes that seem to always reoccur are very social justice motivated. Writing about mental illness and mental health are all themes that I tend to write about over and over again in different ways.

GBTRS: You've been very vocal and open about your gender identity and that's very important to so many people who are looking to find themselves in the people that they listen to. Do you have any advice for people who are struggling with that, or even advice for creatives who are in the industry who are working through that as well? 

Plexxaglass: So my coming out as non-binary is still honestly pretty new. I came out publicly about it a little over a year ago. It's something that I always knew, but growing up we just didn't have the language for it. I didn't really know why I felt so out of place and that it felt like such a struggle to present as feminine as possible so as not to feel like I was an outsider. I spent many years trying very hard to conform. 

I think a lot of it was literature that talked about neo-pronouns [that] was something that happened for me that was really an eye-opener. I knew at that point that there were people who used they/them pronouns [and] identified as non-binary, but for some reason, it didn't really click until a book called Black Sun. They have a character that uses neo-pronouns. It just really slapped me in the face. 

I'm really lucky. My friends and family have been almost apathetic about it- like 'that totally makes sense'. The other thing that really helped me was honestly TikTok as well. There is a large trans and non-binary community on TikTok. That was where I really found community, because it was scary to me, because I have conformed for so long. Being a woman was something that I made a very clear part of my identity for so long, that I was scared to lose that community.

I would just say to anyone who is afraid of that: anyone who doesn't still want to welcome you in their space isn't a person you want in your life anyway. I've been lucky that I haven't really had a lot of that. It was a struggle to let go of that. After I came out publicly, I was looking through my closet and I have all of these shirts that say Girl Club and Badass Woman [and] all of these because I was trying so hard. It was difficult to let go of that and come to terms with the fact that it really never was me- it was a mask that I was putting on to feel included and normal.

GBTRS: Do you have a song in your catalog that particularly resonates with you?

Plexxaglass: There's a song that's coming out in August. It's the last single off of this record [and] it's called "Tall". It is about being a trauma survivor- my trauma- and just a rallying cry for trauma survivors in general. I have put out little teasers of it on TikTok and it does seem like it's really resonating with people, which is very exciting. But out of the catalog of songs that I have out currently, the song "Liar"...it's kind of similar in tone. I wrote it after I was diagnosed Bipolar II. It's a song that's very clearly about mental health struggles and I think anyone who does struggle with depression really does relate to that song. That song was the one that really gifted me listeners from TikTok. So that's a song I'll always cherish for many, many reasons, but it has definitely brought me my little music family.

GBTRS: Now that you're starting to connect even more with your listeners, is there anything specific that you hope people take away from your music when they hear you for the first time?

Plexxaglass: I think, like most people, I wanted to create a little community, and I do feel like I'm finally getting to a point where I'm doing that with my music and connecting people and their experiences. 

GBTRS: Now that things are starting to move forward, what's coming up for you?

Plexxaglass: I want to get back to playing shows. I definitely want to pair a show with the release of the record, so I'm hoping I'm going to book some shows for the fall. Get back into rehearsals with a band and get that going and just keep writing and coming up with new material for the next wave of music.

GBTRS: Is there anything else that you want people to know about you or your music, or is there anything that you wish you got to talk about more that you might not get asked?

Plexxaglass: Wow, good question. I think a lot of people don't realize that musicians- especially independent artists- this is this is our small business. It takes a lot of work, obviously, it takes talent and patience, but it takes money. That's why they're there are gaps in time of when I put music out, because sometimes I just legitimately can't afford to- which is sad, I wish that the US had more support for artists like I know other countries do- I know that the UK is really good about grant opportunities for their artists out there. 

I know that people are happy to consume music, but I think people don't realize- especially in the independent side of things- how hard it is to be a musician who's trying to make it in this country. I appreciate everyone who has ever just randomly sent me like $2 on PayPal. It means so much to me because it means that they get that and I think that is something really special and cool about the family that I'm building with my music because they think that they really see me and they appreciate the work. It's people who genuinely want to be involved in my work, and that is something I've never experienced before until the past year or two. That's awesome because myself and my producer, Kevin...we love this project to death. It's awesome to see response from people who love it just as much as we do.

[ourladyofomega]

Summer of 2006. I waited to take the trip to Philadelphia for a month to see Sleater-Kinney since my former ‘friend’ and fellow DJ D-Klein offered tickets for people to go with him. We had no idea who else would be playing up until then. With us was Elizabeth, D-Klein’’s friend and a huge Sleater-Kinney fan. And off we went to Philadelphia in a sweltering partly cloudy 95* day.

We travel through Coney Island when out of nowhere D-Klein and Elizabeth decide to stop at Astroland to ride the Cyclone. It put the trip on pause like a video game to take a spontaneous time out. But they enjoyed themselves, and why not? I wasn’t going to keep them.

We then drive through the Verrazano Bridge, then Staten Island and through New Jersey. I see all the industrial areas, petrol-storage facilities, the many rest stops, restaurants, and Sunocos lining the New Jersey Turnpike. Last time I checked, the Sunocos averaged no more than $3.05 a gallon. The music played nothing but, you guessed it, Sleater-Kinney, a taste to what to expect. So Olympian, so Kill Rock Stars. Also on the player was D-Klein spinning almost the ntire X-Ray Spex CD as well. We finally arrive in the Philadelphia outskirts at around 6:30 PM and shortly thereafter we cut through Chinatown. I didn’t know Philadelphia even had a Chinatown, but the three of us riding around assumed this was where we would go for some sushi.

Eventually we drive past the venue and see the young Philadelphia hipsters do nothing but stand in line waiting for the show to start and others walking the Philly streets towards the venue as well. We park in front of the bistros and tables and chairs set up on the sidewalks of Philly. At this point we still had no idea who else was playing other than Sleater-Kinney.

We choose Swanky Bubbles, a champagne and sushi bar. For a small eatery it was pretty neat with well-lit ambience and matching low-volume music to go with it. Me, D-Klein, and Elizabeth sit down and talk about the difference between the Philadelphia and Long Island punk scenes, some college student economics, party appearances, and other fine places to eat over our sushi dinner. We order between us wasabi mashed potatoes, a lychee drink, six spears of buttered asparagus salted with parmesan cheese, and sushi rolls such as California, Tuna, Philly, Spider Leg, Time Bomb, and Double Dragon (wasn’t that a video game?); and for dessert, a crispy Thailand banana split. $110.00 was the bill. Sold.

We walk back to the venue and the valet parking guy allowed us to park right in front of the entrance. It was now Club Polaris, formerly the Starlight Ballroom. We get there and find people with extra tickets to give away or sell. In the meantime, we hang out with the organizer of the venue. D-Klein was talking to him about the past shows of yester-years and decades ago. The promoter informs us that Clear Channel was trying to buy out both their venue and Philly scene. It’s depressing to think that Clear Channel would buy out the punk, indie-rock, and hardcore kids and tell them to fuck off so that Clear Channel can put their clean, polished, packaged industry acts in there, with no other outlets for these kids to go who call the streets their own. How we thought that pretty soon, the scene could implode with nowhere to go and be swallowed up into nothing. Where else would we go but further down?

It was when we stand in front of the Polaris waiting to get in that we heard music from inside the venue. We all finally find out to our surprise from the organizer the band was sharing the bill with Sleater-Kinney:

…The Roger Sisters.

Me and D-Klein were floored and it was then we knew that a great show was already going to become even greater.

We go in and this truly was the scene the magazines always talked about. Guys dressing hardcore, some moppy, some Napolean Dynamite cartoonish, and some slim t-shirts. The girls were pretty cute as well with their art-school haircuts, skirts, funny tees, piercings, and either Olympia-type or Williamsburg-type super-feminist style. Imagine makeoutclub ever having a meeting center.

Polaris was dark and crowded. All around us were many bars to get beer. There were many booths where kids sat around and mostly in groups drinking beers and water. (Remember, this was during a heat-wave. The Eastern board was hit with 90 degree-plus weather with lots of humidity). Some were quiet, arms crossed and minding their own. Others were very delighted to see each other and were greeted with hugs and kisses. We witnessed a couple of lesbians making out as well. And you had to give it to one fan who came to the show in a wheelchair.

The ballroom, as expected, was huge with lots of standing space. When the three of us got there, the front of the standing room was taken up but we managed to make our way about ten feet from the speakers, with a very lucky few who took a spot standing right under the vent. We had a good view to see the Rogers Sisters perform. Miyuki Furtado (bass / vocals) dedicated a song to Spiro Agnew, but took it back and later dedicated it to Condoleezza Rice. Jennifer Rogers (vocals / guitar) applied her lip gloss to prepare for the end of their set. Miyuki whipped himself around in a frenzy, performing sonic guitar tricks and creating feedback for all of us. We literally see the sweat and mist come off of his forehead. Laura Rogers (drums / vocals) whipped herself into a frenzy, too. The set lasted only 45 minutes but it was a good set. As we didn’t even know that the Rogers Sisters would play, it was no loss and all gain. Everyone wins.

The three of us hit the merchandise tables. I score Sleater-Kinney’s self-titled CD for $15.00 and I wanted to get some Rogers Sisters stuff but no one was at the tables yet. We sit around taking in all this humidity and heat observing the scene for a little bit more before we hit the merch- tables again where Miyuki and Laura finally set shop. A d.i.y. ethic. For $7.00 I grabbed three 7” singles from the Sisters who came off as very nice and gracious people. Elizabeth scores a Roger Sisters CD and matching Sleater-Kinney tees for her and her friend.

What hooked me to the Rogers Sisters was that I discovered them on WUSB’s Riot Grrrl Plus show in Summer 2003 and happened to record “I’m A Ballerina” on tape. And every chance I had I aimed to play them on the air. Why not? I figured people can be art-smart from getting into them. Bonus.

Sleater-Kinney finally came to play for a good 90 minutes. I believe D-Klein’s life has now culminated into this one night: he’s a huge fan who never had failed to play them on his show on a consistent basis (and he’s known to do that with Sonic Youth as well). Without him he wouldn’t have made this attempt to see them one last time.

One last time? Yes, Sleater-Kinney would finally call it quits after eleven years of making Kill Rock Stars a lot of money. This was their last tour and The Woods was their final record. They had to go out with style big time.

They came on and it was deafening. These ladies knew how to rock. Listen to the way they sound as theirs was rivaled by no other. Mid-set, Carrie Brownstein and Corin Tucker faced off and play their guitars towards each other and it was amazing. I was taken over. For 90 minutes I was trying to follow and absorb everything that Sleater-Kinney performed. Janet throws drumsticks and Carrie shakes out water bottles at the crowd to cool themdown. Fans screamed for them to keep going, not to go. They really loved this band that truly represented the indie-rock crowd and grrrls / femmes in general. One guy even ran on stage and urged the crowd to get ready to catch him up as he was about to stage-dive. He jumps off and instead lands on his feet. Sorry, Charlie. It’s not how it goes here at a Sleater-Kinney show.

After a while, they walk off-stage and fans just did not want to get it, so they stand there cheering and clapping heavily for five minutes more. And yes, they came back to play a few more songs, some off of The Woods. And that’s all she wrote in Philadelphia. An extended ovation as one-by-one Sleater-Kinney walks off-stage and acknowledge their fans with handshakes and smiles.

I don’t know about D-Klein or Elizabeth, but my head was about to explode. Throbbing. My entire body dripping of sweat, my shirt damp from the humidity. We leave Polaris and start driving home, a very exhausting three-hour drive compounded by listening to more Sleater-Kinney, X-Ray Spex and now The Rogers Sisters, taking home a still-pounding headache and wonderful memories from the last day of July that year.

[tony-is-my-daddy]

The wrong place to meet

Alright so as always I'm not satisfied with this, I still think that my writing is trash and I wasn't even going to post this but like... I need to put some work into this blog and post some original content so I guess... here you are.

TW: Pseudo incest. I think that's all.

~~

Tony should've been more interested in the fact that his sister finally got married after so many years of not even being able to find herself a long lasting relationship, but honestly, he was bored. He went there only to congratulate his sister and meet the guy who finally tied her down.

But after the ceremony, everyone wanted to go and congratulate them and Tony didn't want to disturb anyone's conversation. So he figured he would wait at his table for everyone to finish talking and then go over to them.

And while he was waiting, something caught his eyes. Well, more like someone.

It was a very beautiful boy, sitting at the corner of the room by himself. He was playing with the stem of his champagne glass, checking the time on his phone every now and again. He looked just as bored as Tony. So why not be bored together?

Tony walked over to his table and sat down on a chair next to him. The guy raised his head up and looked at Tony in the eye. He was even more beautiful from up close, chestnut hair perfectly gelled back, his puppy-like honeysuckle eyes wide from the surprise.

"Sorry, am I bothering," Tony asked.

"Oh no, of course not. I was actually very bored here," the boy said, smiling shyly as he looked away from Tony. "I just wasn't expecting you out of all people to sit down right here."

"Well, I was bored too, so I thought, why not," Tony explained with a shrug.

"Tony Stark, right?"

"That would he me, yes. And you?"

"Oh I'm- I'm Peter. And honestly, sir, I'm a huge fan of you. You've been my role model my whole life, I started studying biochemistry because of you."

Tony raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Biochem, huh? Do you like it?"

"Yes, it's really cool."

"Where do you study?"

"NYU. I wanted to go to MIT but Boston is quite far away," Peter chuckled. Tony smiled at the cute sound, already liking this charming boy. He leaned back in his chair to get comfortable as they started talking about college.

Then they talked about biochemistry, Stark Industries and Tony's current projects. He learned that the boy, despite his age (he was 21, as Tony had learned), was very smart. Tony's level smart, so the conversation was very pleasant to him as well, not boring him one bit.

And Peter wasn't just smart, he was funny and honestly just so damn pretty. So after like half an hour of talking, Tony decided to risk his luck and ask Peter the question he's had in mind since he first set eye on the boy.

"Would you like to go out with me sometime, Peter," he asked as he leaned closer to the younger boy.

Peter's eyes widened, lips curling upwards into a slight smile. "Do you actually... with me? Like you really want to go on a date? With me?"

"Of course. You're a great company and you look very pretty. I'd like to buy you a coffee someday. Or dinner. Or an apartment close to your university, whatever you need." Peter threw back his head, laughing wholeheartedly, which made Tony smile even wider.

When Peter's laughter died off, he looked into Tony's eyes and leaned in without another thought to press their lips together. It was soft and sweet, and it didn't last long either because Tony pulled away quickly. Not because he didn't like it, because hell, he did and he wanted to do it again. But not here, not in front of people who probably recognize him and won't look at him nicely after seeing him make out with some young dude at his sister's wedding. So he stood up, set his champagne glass down next to Peter's on the table and pulled the boy along with him towards the bathroom. He only kissed Peter again when the door of a toilet stall locked behind them.

"What's the relocation," Peter asked between kisses.

"Well I can't really do this in front of others..." Tony kissed down the boy's jawline, down his neck until he reached his shirt collar. He loosened Peter's tie to unbutton the white shirt, kissing every inch of exposed skin that he could reach. Meanwhile, Peter was pushing down Tony's suit jacket until it hit the bathroom tiles with a quiet thud.

They found each other's lips again, starting to make out as Peter's hands slid up under Tony's shirt to feel his hot skin. Tony's hands squeezed the younger man's narrow hips, pulling him close to himself until there was no space in between them. Every touch felt so new, so unknown and thrilling, yet somehow still familiar. Tony felt like he's kissed Peter a million times before and already grew fond of the way their lips moved against each other and how their tongues danced together. But it still made him shiver from the new sensations that he had never felt this intensely before. The boy's hands roaming his chest and back felt like they belonged there, and at the same time like he was discovering something very new and very good.

They were so lost in each other they barely even noticed how someone came into the bathroom. Peter pushed him away when the man cleared his throat, snapping both of them out of the trance they were in.

They stared into each other's eyes as the guy outside did his buisness, trying not to pant too loudly and reveal themselves. And while they were stuck like that, Tony finally realized what he was doing and how much he shouldn't be doing that. This kid, he barely even knew him, they met like forty minutes ago and he doesn't even know his last name, yet they were in the bathroom, about to fucking have sex while his sister's wedding party was going on outside! Oh man, he was horrible.

When the guy outside finished his business and left, Tony gently pushed Peter away and reached down to get his suit jacket from the floor. Goddamn it, that was his newest purchase!

"What are you doing, Tony," Peter asked as Tony shrugged his jacket back on.

"Pete, we can't do this here... I know this was my idea, but I just realized that I can't... we can't have sex with you for the first time in a bathroom stall at my sister's wedding. Let's- let's go on a date and we can continue from here after that."

Peter looked a bit disappointed, but he understood it, so he started dressing back up as well. They made themselves presentable again - well mostly, Peter's hair couldn't be fixed well enough - before going outside again. Tony even gave Peter a quick kiss while they were still hid away from people's eyes.

Then, when they got back to the party, Tony's sister came over to greet him finally. She was glowing, a smile plastered on her beautiful face as she jumped into her big brother's arms.

"Tones! I didn't even know you came! Why didn't you come over to me," she asked.

"You were talking to the other guests, I didn't want to bother."

"Oh shut up, you're my big brother, you never bother! But-oh! I see you've met Peter." She walked over to Peter who was standing on Tony's side and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Tony furrowed his eyebrows. "He's Richard's son."

"...Richard?"

"My husband, you dummy!"

Tony almost had a heart attack. So he didn't just almost fuck a guy at his sister's wedding, but he almost fucked his sister's newly wedded husband's son at their wedding!

Tony looked at Peter, whose lips were pressed together into a tight line, trying to mask a sneaky smile, but Tony saw right through him.

"Well I did not know that, but yes, we've talked before. Peter is a very smart kid," he answered coolly.

"He is, isn't he? I knew right away when Richard introduced us that you two would get along very well. Oh god, we're cutting the cake, excuse me!"

His sister hurried away and Tony and Peter turned towards the couple as they cut their wedding cake and fed each other. They clapped along with everyone else, but they couldn't care less about what was going on there.

"You knew all along, didn't you," Tony asked.

"Of course I did. As soon as my dad told me her last name was Stark I knew she would be a great mediator between us. But we didn't need her in the end."

"You're crazy! Your step-mother is my sister! I will not hook up with you after this!"

"Oh come on, it's not like we're related or anything. We can still go out on that date."

"Like hell we can! This will never happen again, understand? The next time I want to see you is on a Thanksgiving dinner my sister invites me to or on a Christmas card she sends to me. Understood?"

"Yes sir."

"Good."

"Could you repeat that, I didn't listen to what you were saying, the way you said it was just too sexy to handle." Tony chuckled, but quickly regained his stern look and walked away from Peter.

They didn't talk a lot after that. Tony's sister asked for a picture with both of them in it, but that was the last interaction they had before Tony left.

A week after the wedding Tony was so frustrated. He missed Peter, but at the same time he knew they couldn't be together. Still, he couldn't get his mind off the vision that was Peter and that bothered him so much.

Especially when everything was already getting on his nerves, like all the people he was surrounded by during the meeting. He couldn't even believe it hasn't been an hour yet and the clock in the room - just like time in general - had stopped, so he couldn't even check what time it was.

When he thought no one was looking, he reached into his jacket's pocket to pull his phone out and check the time, but he ended up grabbing a piece of paper instead.

xxx-xxx-xxxx

Call me!

-Peter

That sneaky little bastard probably slipped it into his pocked when they took the damn photo...

He now really pulled the phone out to check the time and saw that it was already ten minutes past the time this whole thing was supposed to end.

"Alright gentlemen, we're a little over the timeline. You know I really enjoy your company, but I have other things to attend to," Tony said as he stood up, buttoning up his suit jacket again.

"But Mr. Stark, we haven't decided about-"

"You." Tony pointed at a random man, interrupting... whoever was talking to him before. "You seem like a good guy. Whatever you want, I'm with you. Alright, we don't need me anymore so if you would excuse me..."

He walked out of the room, leaving behind the confused men. He knew Pepper will be extremely mad about this when she comes back from her vacation, but Tony couldn't care less at that moment.

He took the elevator down to the ground floor, where Happy picked him up. In the car, he pulled up the divider immediately and dialed in Peter's number. The boy picked it up after three rings.

"Hello," he heard the voice that he's been missing for a week on the other side of the line

"You're horrible, you know that," Tony said instead of greeting.

"Oh, so you found my number. Well, I'm very happy to hear from you again, how have you been, Uncle Tony?"

Tony growled. Full on fucking growled from a few words. "You don't even know what you do to me," he said quietly.

"Well then... how about you show me? I could do a lot more if you would only let me... I bet you would enjoy it."

"Fuck it, let's get dinner this weekend."

"I'm free on Saturday evening."

"I'll send a car for you around seven. And you can't tell about this to anyone, understood?"

"Yes sir. Hey could you repeat that?"

"Shut up," Tony chuckled, remembering how they ended their conversation like this at the wedding as well.

They ended up talking about a few more things until Tony got back to the tower, where they hung up the phone. And the thrilling and new yet good and familiar feeling was back, which made Tony feel happiness now, instead of guilt.

It's not like they're related or anything. They'll be fine.

[scoundrels-in-love]

For the breakup prompts, "i kissed you goodbye by accident - old habits die hard okay?!?!"

This was intended to be short and funny, when it’s not really either of those things. Also I’m sorry you ended up the soundboard for this piece so you already got thoroughly spoiled, but it’d not be half the thing it is without your input, so all my love and thanks!

—

Brienne should have known it’d end horribly.

In a way she had - she had absolutely expected her relationship with Jaime fucking Lannister to crash and burn, with same intensity of Wildfire like heat his eyes could hold. (Just for her.) Except it hadn’t. Instead, it had turned to snow of far North that melted and trickled through their fingers. They couldn’t hold onto it, not for almost two years she was to spend in archeological dig beyond the Wall while he worked in King’s Landing museum of history and art.

When they had sat down and discussed it seriously, Brienne had been lulled in false sense of security. The breakup had been mutual (eventually Jaime had stopped arguing over how fair or unfair it’d be for Brienne to make him wait for her after they’d been together only half a year) and going back to friends hadn’t been as awkward as she had expected. In some ways, it did make Brienne realize that their friends had been right all along by saying they had been basically dating without dating for a while already.

And that’s where the trap laid. They still hung out whenever possible, had their weekend movie nights when it was easy to cuddle together ‘just like they had before they dated’ and not mention it had definitely not included toying with each other’s hair or sleepy nuzzles in the crook of her neck. He was still the person she wanted to talk with first and the very last in her day and it was still possible because they had texted each other constantly for last two year, anyway. Jaime still kissed her goodbye because suddenly stopping after a year would be even more awkward, right? It was demoted back to peck on cheek, anyway.

Except tonight she had turned her head to receive it, because the line they had barely sketched with chalk had been blurred by their shuffling feet, and Jaime’s lips had been so warm, so eager and too much like a welcome home when she hadn’t even left yet.

So, now Brienne was staring at her unflattering reflection, adorned by a darkening hickey. It wasn’t comforting to know he was sporting similar one. Neither was the refreshed memory of the sound he made when her lips were on his neck. Or the way the darkness of his eyes shifted from shades of desire to hurt when she pushed against him and then scrambled out of the door.

“I don’t do hook ups or friends with benefits,” she had told Jaime, a whole golden, wonderful, doomed relationship earlier, when they had tumbled into a makeout almost as accidentally as tonight. “It’s neither if we’re dating,” he had told her with a grin and intent that had disarmed her. Did it count as a (almost) hookup if it was your ex? Brienne suspected it did. She also suspected she couldn’t face him again any time soon.

Of course, that’s when the door bell rang, reminding her that it wasn’t a choice entirely up to her. Because Jaime still had the key to her apartment and it was only courtesy that he wasn’t using it. Courtesy she felt like abusing and throwing few chairs in front of the door, just in case he ran out of chivalry.

But their shattering friendship deserved more, at least a proper killing blow instead of being left crawling onward for another week, so Brienne inhaled deeply and went to face the music.

He leaned against the doorjamb and looked like he needed it because had ran all the way here, which would be dramatic enough for Jaime to do, and she wanted to remind him they were not in a fucking romcom.

“Brienne, let’s kiss these godsdamned goodbyes goodbye.”

Or maybe they were and whoever was writing their lines was doing a really sloppy job.

“Jaime,” she began, but didn’t really know what to follow it up with. Her intentions and wants were already at war and Jaime’s desperation was arming one side with cannons.

“Listen, I thought I could do it. That I would. Let you go. Because you had finally seen enough of me to realize you’re way too good for me or just gotten tired of me and wanted to be so very kind and Brienne about it. I felt lucky enough that you still wanted to be my friend. But now I am not so sure that’s true, that you really don’t want me anymore.”

Her heart wasn’t one to literally hurt at many things, but it did then and suddenly, the way he had gotten more and more subdued during their breakup conversation as if someone was putting out the light that makes most of Jaime made so much more, suffocating sense.

“I don’t care if you’re going to be over the Wall. I can afford to fly to you often and to fund the thermal underwear industry, if needed. Just say that you want me to,” he wasn’t begging, but there was such hope and determination written plainly on his face which was anything but plain.

Brienne couldn’t lie, now that the army of logic was utterly devastated and remnants of it had switched sides, and it had never been about lying anyway (except the denial): “I don’t want you to buy a thermal underwear company. But I do want to give long distance a try, if you are really–”

She never got to finish the sentence, because he launched upward and kissed her fiercely, and being in a questionable quality romcom suddenly didn’t seem so bad as they stumbled backward into her apartment.

Brienne did later change her mind about that a little every time when Jaime came to the camp, frustrating her supervisors and coming up with new and ridiculous reasons why she personally must be responsible for keeping him warm and generally disturbing her work, but regret never came.

And when Jaime suggested that she should move into his place upon returning to King’s Landing, she smiled and asked “so we can kiss the godsdamned goodbyes goodbye for real this time?”, the groan she got was a ten out of ten.

[gaiapaia]

Kermit and Friends: Regulus

This week’s special guest was Aaron Ozee, author of the very popular children’s book Regulus. The book was such a hit that it was made into an animated film, also titled Regulus. You can purchase the book here and rent or buy a digital version of the film here.

Regulus is about a ‘Rat King’ who refuses to share his cheese with the mice he considers beneath him. Unfortunately for the Rat King, he loses his King status and the bully then becomes the bullied. 

The book has a very strong anti-bullying message, and Elisa’s first question to Aaron Ozee was about that. Aaron would explain how he was bullied growing up and how it deeply affected him in a bad way, only then to use it as motivation in an effort to help others going through the same kind of bullying he suffered as a kid.

Bullying would be a strong theme throughout the rest of the show. Elisa got bullied for the shirt she wore, she was verbally abused by her fiancé, accused of exploitation by a moron, dogged by multiple KAF Wrap-Up show hosts... I mean, Elisa was catching flack from all angles this week for little to no reason. It was unbelievable and a bit disheartening if you’re like myself and care about Elisa.

Andy Dick is simply out of control. After trying to con Elisa out of $650 earlier in the week, he called her a “Fat whore” among other horrible names at The Grove in front of strangers and children on Saturday. He even got his ‘boyfriend’ Lucas to join in on the harassment. Just an awful situation that no one deserves, especially Elisa who has treated Andy like absolute gold these last couple of months.

Elisa finally seemed fed up with Andy’s abuse, but it wouldn’t last long. After claiming she was done with him, Andy actually appeared on the show just as Elisa was getting ready to end it. He was being nice and I could tell right away that Elisa would let him back in her good graces.

Andy would give a half-assed apology for his actions from the previous day, only then to call Elisa crazy and psychotic, only again to apologize after that. Elisa not only accepted his apologies but then offered to take him out to eat after the show. It seemed like she wanted to shift all the blame on to that Lucas guy, letting Andy completely off the hook.

People who don’t like Elisa will look at this behavior and call her weak, or they will say she’s hanging on to Andy no matter what he does just because he’s famous. The idiots who say that would be very wrong.

Elisa doesn’t have an angle. She’s been in abusive relationship after abusive relationship. I’m afraid Elisa doesn’t love herself so she’s more attracted to people that treat her like crap. Elisa will turn 33 in June so she’s old enough where this isn’t some wild young woman phase. My theory is subconsciously Elisa believes she deserves the abuse. It could possibly stem from her parents shipping her off to a demonic boarding school where it stuck with Elisa that sort of treatment is what she deserves in this life. She doesn’t deserve it, though. Not at all.

Elisa may not agree with me but I feel I’m right about this because I’m speaking from personal experience. I deal with the same self-loathing issues I believe Elisa has, but it’s easy for me to sit here and say Elisa should start loving herself more than to look in the mirror and tell myself the same. One of the many reasons why I will never look at Elisa in a bad light is because I can relate to the inner-struggle she’s been going through all these years. I just wish there was a way Elisa could see herself in the same spectacular light I see her in.

Elisa talked about these grandiose visions she had of herself and Andy, being featured on the cover of Forbes magazine, creating hit music, starring in movies... the works.

Just think about this... if you’re reading this blog, you already know how talented Elisa is, even if you don’t like her. You know she’s already achieved a level of success that not 1% of the population will achieve in the entertainment industry. So why does she need someone like Andy freakin’ Dick in order to vision herself on the cover of Forbes magazine? Imagine if Elisa set the goal without a man or anyone else’s help by her side... could she do it? I 100% believe she could if she gave it her all. I understand success isn’t anywhere near as fulfilling when you don’t have anyone to share it with, but you should at least strive to share your success with someone who treats you well.

Anyways, I apologize for jumping out of the review to share my personal feelings. I’m not happy with Andy, I’m not happy with that relationship. I want Elisa to have fun and create a show she can be proud of. It’s easier to accomplish that with a wacky outgoing famous guy like Andy Dick, I get that... but at this point, in my opinion, it’s not worth it if this is how Andy is going to treat Elisa.

Elisa is a grown woman though capable of making her own decisions. I will always love Elisa and wish the best for her because I know she has a beautiful heart/soul and her intentions are always good. There’s more I want to say about the situation but I’ll move on.

Back to Aaron Ozee... he gave a fantastic interview. He’s a very positive guy with big goals but also humble and polite. T-Bob tried to ruffle Aaron’s feathers with a couple of asinine questions about Black Lives Matter, and Aaron couldn’t have handled it more eloquently, even winning Trumpster Bob over (no easy feat). I was extremely impressed. On top of that, Aaron was respectful and non-judgmental to every KAF regular he talked to. Just a truly swell guy and I hope to see him more often on the show.

Kermit made a couple of new friends this week. One was Johnny B’s alter ego, Joannie B. Think Robin Williams as Mrs. Doubtfire and that’s Joannie B. Very humorous stuff. A guy in some kind of Star Wars helmet named White Kanye also made his debut on Kermit and Friends. Apparently he’s been in some escapades with Andy Dick and told some stories. Unfortunately, it was impossible to tell if he was being truthful.

Chris Christine blessed the show with her presence again. She opened up about the 20 years she spent in the American military and how it led to some traumatic mental anguish. Chris credited an Andy Dick Cameo she received as to why she didn’t commit suicide a couple of years ago. She was incredibly sweet and even offered to pay Andy that $650 I mentioned above. Chris also said a lovely prayer for Elisa and Andy. What a sweet soul Chris is all around, she’s easily one of my new favorites.

Sharmin and Dr. Roy joined us in Miami. They’ve been having a vacation together and they helped Elisa sort through her feelings regarding Andy. It was awesome to see them having fun and looking so happy.

Eric Riggs had another sex video presented on the show, this time involving a pen and his rear end. Eric called in and made Elisa shut off the video before the conclusion. He was fine with last week’s sex tape but I guess this week he felt embarrassed. Eric would later read a poem about some woman named Mindy that owes him money, which also somehow involved Elisa’s vagina and horseradish. One of the weirdest poems I’ve ever heard but hey... that’s Kermit and Friends.

Barry “Boss” Mezey called into the show to accuse Elisa of exploiting Kermit’s friends. Barry fails to realize that Elisa gives a platform to literally anyone who wants to make use of it, and the people who garner the most interest from the audience are the people Elisa will feature the most, just like every other reality show in human existence. Barry’s phone calls could not have been more wrong, shame on him.

Lastly, Elisa sort of snapped this week on a chatter by the name of Nikki. Nikki criticized Elisa’s shirt and then said she could have a more popular show than Kermit and Friends if she tried. I think Elisa had some pent up frustration regarding Andy and sort of it took it out on Nikki, which by my estimation Nikki honestly deserved anyway. I just wish Elisa had that same fire not to put up with Andy’s BS. But Nikki has said some very mean things about Elisa in the past, both on Discord and on other Kermitarian related streams, so it’s not like Elisa attacked some innocent princess who made one bad comment. Nikki can be funny but she’s not a nice person at all, so while I commend Elisa for apologizing and feeling guilty over her words to Nikki... sometimes the bully gets bullied just like in Regulus.

The show ended with Elisa playing yet another tremendously creative music video from her talented co-host, Sugar. Overall it was a good show. The interview with Aaron was very professional and well done, and the Andy stuff I’m certain was entertaining for most people. KAF continues to deliver every week, just as I’m sure it will next week. 'Til then, I sincerely thank everyone for reading and I hope you all have a superb week... well, unless your name is Andy Dick, in which case you deserve a very bad week with another bite to the face from my main man Fozzie.

[manicdepressivemom]

I picked up my vraylar, but I don’t think I can take it. I talked to husband about the things in my head last night and he called me crazy. I’m going to try and write it all out clearly but I feel like my brain is jumping from topic to topic before I can fully think through anything.

First off, because I think everything else hinges on this, I don’t think I’m bipolar. And either does anyone else. No one has believed me at first. And I still don’t think they do. Except maybe husband. He’s taken hold of the whole thing. My therapists, my mom, Jess. None of them believe it. And if I was really mentally ill, wouldn’t those closest to me realize something is up? Luke buys into it now, but he didn’t at first. 

I can’t kill myself. Husband, a mentally stable person, approves all of my decisions. Which proves that I’m neither that impulsive, that bizarre, or that self destructive. If I was to lose control of myself, I can’t imagine that I would be able to stop myself from doing things that don’t feel safe or rational.

I’m quite confident that I could see a psychiatrist twice a month for a year and never be diagnosed, so long as I didn’t fill out the stupid papers. Who DOESN’T have episodes of feeling particularly confident, or spendy, or so fascinated with something that they stay up late at night? What makes mine clinical? I’m not ruining my life. 

So that sort of leads me to, I don’t need these medicines. All they’re likely to do is crush my emotional range.  And lets say bipolar people have a range from -50 to 150. And normal people range from 0 to 100. If I take these drugs meant to smooth out swings, maybe I’ll only have a range of 20 to 80? Or even worse? I could just be flat. Never happy or sad. Brain dead, with no joy, no sex drive, and thinning hair. Not to even speak of the organ damage.

Which, of course, leads me to the idea that someone knows that bipolar disorder is a bunch of bullshit. Bipolar is almost always treated with several medications. The money in this industry is insane. Look at Vraylar, it was going to be $744 for 14 days. Insurance dropped it to $622. Then a MANUFACTURER card dropped it down to $0. They know they’re fucking people over. And this stupid card is only guaranteed to cover 2 months. Just long enough to convince people they need the shit before hiking the price back up. They know they’re price gouging with medications that might just be making us more sick for a short term promise of level moods. Which isn’t even a promise, really. It’s all guesswork. 

Is this just some sort of conspiracy to get people hooked on expensive medications that will ultimately make us sick? Would staying off our medications eventually lead to a level of insight and understanding that someone doesn’t want us to obtain? Perhaps we’re more capable than the average person to disrupt our current existence. Maybe we’re more able to peer beyond the veil and really perceive what’s beyond?

We know that people are pulling strings and making shit happen. I studied marketing and public relations. This isn’t new. Anyone who has taken a class like this knows that millions of dollars have been funneled into psychiatric research, and that information is used to manipulate us. Look at razors or tissues. The research on antidepressants if fuzzy, at best. 

Some funky stuff has been happening. Like the walls looking funny, anthrax coming up multiple times, both Luke and I having weird eye things going on. Husband pointed out the eye stuff could be from his new car which just sort of further convinces me I shouldn’t keep taking the meds. The possible answers are almost endless. And there are so many possible answers that don’t require me to take multiple heavy duty drugs. 

I recognize all of this might sound crazy. I know that I was recently very convinced I needed meds. But how do we know THAT wasn’t delusional? And, if my theory that there are intentional efforts to make bipolar people look crazy and in need of medication is correct, I can’t really express these things to anyone else. Of course they’re going to think I need help and meds. Because they’ve been manipulated to believe that anyone who questions the norm is mentally ill. And some people who really seem stable think the same things. 

Look at Friend. She’s totally convinced that the medical industry is bullshit despite being a seemingly sane person. She’s even stuck with that belief for years. 

Part of me wants to express these things and have validation that I’m insane, which must mean I’m sane right? I would keep these things to myself if not, wouldn’t I? Even now, I’m only writing the stuff that sounds the most bizarre. Maybe I have munchausen.

[things2mustdo]

The Ascent Of Money by Niall Ferguson is an introduction to modern finance and the rise of money lending, presenting a favorable view of their effects upon the world.

…financial innovation has been an indispensable factor in man’s advance from wretched subsistence to the giddy heights of material prosperity that so many people know today.

…poverty is not the result of rapacious financiers exploiting the poor. It has much more to do with the lack of financial institutions, with the absence of banks, not their presence. Only when borrowers have access to efficient credit networks can they escape from the clutches of loan sharks, and only when savers can deposit their money in reliable banks can it be channeled from the idle rich to the industrious poor.

…approximately $1 of every $14 paid to employees in the United States now goes to people working in finance. Finance is even more important in Britain, where it accounted for 9.4% of GDP in 2006.

The book gives an interesting history of some of the world’s most famous bankers and the power they accumulated, particularly the Medicis and Rothchilds, who brought value by facilitating trade and commerce while reducing transaction prices. It also described the role of European bankers during the American Civil War.

Though others had tried before them, the Medici were the first bankers to make the transition from financial success to hereditary status and power  They achieved this by learning a crucial lesson: in finance small is seldom beautiful. By making their bank bigger and more diversified than any previous financial institution, they found a way of spreading their risk.

One of the biggest financial innovations was fractional reserve banking, pioneered by the Swedes. Other European countries improved finance while the Spaniards, still obsessed with silver and gold in their American colonies, kept defaulting time and time again, not understanding that the true nature of money lay in debt and not mineral reserves. One of the more interesting parts of the book was its description of the bond market and its powerful stranglehold on world governments.

…the bond market is powerful partly because it passes a daily judgement on the credibility of every government’s fiscal and monetary policies. But its real power lies in its ability to punish a government with higher borrowing costs. Even an upward move of half a percentage point can hurt a government that is running a deficit, adding higher debt service to its already high expenditures.

…countries that defaulted on their debts risk economic sanctions, the imposition of foreign control over their finances and even, in at least five cases, military intervention.

While the book paints a rosy view of finance, it also highlights cases where the abuse of it through hook and crook caused problems for entire economies, particularly through price inflation. A recent example of that was Goldman Sachs’ commodity manipulation that caused the price of common foodstuffs to rise. On the other hand, ignoring finance and having inflexible monetary policy can turn recessions into depressions. He suggests that Helicopter Ben Bernanke actually did the right thing in showering Wall Street with money to prevent a depression. He also thinks Alan Greenspan is a great man for admitting he shouldn’t have kept interest rates so low.

Economies that combined all these institutional innovations—banks, bond markets, stock markets, insurance and property-owning democracy—performed better over the long run than those that did not, because financial intermediation generally permits a more efficient allocation of resources then, say, feudalism or central planning. For this reason, it is not wholly surprising that the Western financial model tended to spread around the world, first in the guise of imperialism, and then in the guise of globalization.

You’ll also read about:

The abysmal effects of Britain’s weflare system on their economy

Argentina’s failed destiny to become an economic superpower due to bad economic decisions and poor leadership

How the “risk free” LTCM fund imploded and almost took the world economy with it

My problem with the book is that his explanations were too light. He glossed over tough concepts like sovereign bonds and other financial instruments without providing much in the way of examples, unlike a writer such as Matt Taibbi who explains the most complex concept in a way that laymen can understand. I felt like I had to read this book in front of Google so that I could look up things he mentioned only in passing.

The book also seemed hurried with its historical research, especially towards the end when it become a jumbled mess. Overall it’s an okay book but I don’t recommend it for the neophyte.

…it’s not owning property that gives you security; it just gives your creditors security. Real security comes from having a steady income.

Read More: “The Ascent Of Money” on Amazon

https://www.returnofkings.com/10595/there-is-no-hedge-against-inflation

You’ve seen him: an older man sitting next to a roaring fire or maybe  walking the grounds of his ranch or he might be  in a suit facing the camera. The messages are all the same: something about  “troubling times” and “safety and security” —maybe they mention the  federal reserve or money printing. Times are bad and could get worse, but  they can help you. They have the answer. What is this company selling? GOLD.

Why would you want a gold coin or bar? It doesn’t earn interest and it  doesn’t grow or produce anything. It is vulnerable to theft. The price can  move down with astonishing speed as we saw last April (as of the time of this writing it has retraced over 50% of that selloff). But could it go up in value, could it “skyrocket” as the gold shills say?

Keep in mind that gold has already gone up a lot recently, about  fivefold  in the past ten years. And to simply say that gold is a hedge against inflation is misleading. If you compare the price today, let’s say $1500 per oz, to the average price in 1974, about $150/oz, it actually exceeded  inflation. Using CPI over this period gold’s value increased at about double  the rate of inflation. However, if you bought gold in 1980, average price that year about $600/oz, you’d have to wait until 2006 for the price to come back to that level and not inflation adjusted dollars either (inflation destroyed about 65% of the purchasing power in that timeframe – and this is using CPI which notoriously understates real world prices). Gold prices and inflation are not as closely correlated as the gold sellers would have  you think.

But what about “these troubling times”? It’s different now, right? It might be. This is basically what they’re talking about: the federal government and the federal reserve have been acting in tandem to recapitalize the U.S. economy after the 2008 crisis. The government has been spending like crazy and running huge deficits (and buying lots of votes, funny how that  works out for them). These deficits are financed by the issuing of bonds of which the federal reserve bank has been the main buyer under the guise of  Quantitative Easing  and the Zero Interest Rate Policy. This what they mean by printing money –  the fed can buy whatever it wants and it has been buying these bonds that are loans to the government.

The Fed doesn’t need money, rather, it creates it. It is the central bank and it can just put the bonds on its balance sheet. A lot of people, this author  included, think the government and the Fed are nuts to think that this course would enable economic growth and it will probably only lead to  inflation which could become severe and maybe uncontrollable. Without turning this into a financial doomer article, let’s just say both sides make their case and we won’t know which one is right until this QE and ZIRP experiment is over.

This is what it comes down to: if the price of gold in dollars goes exponential in a hyperinflationary situation everything else  priced in dollars is going to do the same. You can’t expect that your gold coin will buy the same goods that it would buy now if this happens. The actual purchasing power of your gold will surely decline as day-to-day essentials  become prioritized. Put another way, if 1500 this week buys you one gold coin or 250 basic meals, in a hyperinflationary situation that gold coin might exchange for the equivalent of 100 meals or maybe not even twenty. Of course, 1500 in a bank account or your mattress would be worth much less – maybe not even one meal. The possible hyperinflation scenario is the most compelling reason to hold gold now. It’s not about getting rich. It’s about retaining some savings in the face of a massive financial collapse.

In reality, nothing keeps up with inflation like you will want. Agriculture futures are seasonal and your position has to be rolled over every so often costing you fees and changing your cost basis. Your  inflation hedge could get destroyed by a good harvest or weak global demand.  Stocks are typically seen as an inflation hedge but in a real collapse your brokerage company or even your local bank might not even exist anymore. You may eventually be made whole on the companies you own but this will take years.

Outside of a financial crisis the case for gold is weak. If you’re holding gold the best case scenario is unclear. Perhaps the price rises faster than inflation but that’s probably a longshot. Consider that if  interest rates start to rise, if the Fed sees the light on the harm ZIRP is doing, and if inflation is mild then those holding gold are going to be screwed as many decide to sell, preferring actual cash. Expect gold to lose at least 30% from today’s prices and it could happen in a day or two. Don’t  expect your dealer to give you a good price or even answer your call or email if everyone comes in selling.

The risk of gold losing value in the face of an improving economy is something you need to be aware of and in a crisis it won’t provide the kind  of financial safety that the gold bugs allege. If you still need a place to park your savings you might consider silver. It’s incrementally cheaper to get into and has more industrial value than gold though it is historically more volatile. Or what about booze? A case of good whiskey or rum is highly barterable, doesn’t spoil, tracks inflation as well as anything, and if times get better (or worse), you can always drink it.

[eldritchsurveys]

944.

Any cool small businesses in your area? >> There are a lot of small businesses in this area. The ones I tend to patronise are food-oriented and I usually find them through the farmer’s market -- like People’s Cider Company and Sacred Springs Kombucha and Donut Garden.

If you use libraries, what is the largest overdue fine you've ever had? >> The last time I had an outstanding fine, I was still in NYC. I think the worst fine I had was for Queens Library, it was a couple hundred dollars. I don’t remember what actually happened to the books I’d borrowed but I’m pretty sure they got lost somehow when I was being ping-ponged from shelter to shelter.

Do you ever borrow things other than books from the library? >> Not anymore, but I used to borrow CDs a lot.

Are there still any movie rental places left where you live? >> Yeah, there’s a Family Video right down the street from me.

Do you ever buy secondhand books (or DVDs, video games, CDs)? Or do you prefer them to be brand new? >> If I can find a book I want secondhand, then you’re damn skippy I’m buying it secondhand. And I hope to god a previous owner wrote in it because I love finding other people’s margin scribblings in books.

Have you seen the version of The Addams Family with Tim Curry as Gomez? >> I have not. But, related, I just rewatched Addams Family Values today, which I looooove.

What was the last TV show you were hooked on? >> The last TV show I got into is Lovecraft Country.

Have you ever started a book and never finished it? >> Plenty of times. Usually because the book turns out to be boring to me.

Do you have a favorite drummer? Who? >> No.

What about a favorite guitarist? Who? >> No.

Do you ever write fanfic? Of what? >> I... well, I used to. I mean, I still want to, I still think of it as part of my identity, but I haven’t been able to think of anything worth writing in quite a while now. I usually write for video game fandoms (like Dragon Age, Fallout, that sort of thing), although I’ve written a few things for shows and movies too.

Do you ever READ fanfic? Of what? >> I don’t usually read it, unless someone I know on tumblr wrote it or something (and I have to at least be somewhat familiar with the fandom).

Do you have a favorite poet? >> I don’t think so.

How many members are in the last band you listened to? >> I don’t remember the last band I listened to, but the last thing I listened to was my Release Radar playlist on Spotify, so there’s a high likelihood I don’t even know the last band I listened to.

Do you have a favorite classical composer? >> Funny you should mention that, because I just saved two “getting started with classical music”-type playlists on Spotify so I can listen to them later (when it’s not, you know, almost my bedtime lol). I want to figure out what my particular style is. Like, I love Lacrimosa, for example -- I want more songs like that, and also songs that just fuck you up with stringed instruments. I have to figure out which composers tend to make which kinds of songs and shit.

Do you ever accidentally clip your toenails too short and they hurt? >> No.

Have you ever had multicolored/rainbow hair? If not, would you ever want it? >> I’ve never had it. I don’t think I’d go for that, white/grey hair is more my style these days.

What kind of hats, if any, do you like to wear? >> Beanies.

Have you ever thought somebody was cute but no longer found them attractive once you got to know them better? What specifically about them turned you off? >> I don’t think so. I mean, maybe, but I just don’t remember any situation like that.

Have you ever thought somebody was plain-looking, but found them attractive once you got to know them better? What specifically about them made them so beautiful? >> Likewise, I wouldn’t remember a situation like this, either.

What is your #1 dealbreaker with friendships? (Why you wouldn't be friends) >> I don’t know what my “#1 dealbreaker” would be. I’m just really discerning about the kinds of people I even would allow close enough for friendship.

Who is your favorite character on Bob's Burgers and why? (If you watch it) >> Louise. Because she’s a clever wicked bastard and I love her.

What songs do you never get tired of? >> Oh, I don’t know.

Have you ever had a retro celebrity crush? Like a crush on an "old" celebrity who was most famous a long time ago or is long dead? >> Yeah, I’ve had a crush on James Stewart since I was literally like 10 years old.

Before buying something in a store, do you look online to see if you can get it cheaper there? >> Not usually. Especially since I know a search like that will put me face to face with Amazon for the zillionth time and I’m fucking sick of Amazon.

What type of things do you prefer to purchase online? >> I don’t know that I have a preference for online purchasing. It’s usually a matter of efficiency or convenience.

Are you interested in fashion? >> Yeah, I think the whole industry is just really interesting and intricate, particularly haute couture.

Do you prefer beef or chicken tacos? >> Meh.

Have you ever tried fish tacos? How were they? >> I love fish tacos.

Have you ever worn leather (or imitation leather) pants? >> No.

What part of your body seems to get cold the most? >> I’m not sure. My problem is usually being too hot, not too cold.

What do you like better, pants or shorts? >> Pants. I wear shorts sometimes in the summer because of the heat, but I don’t enjoy it.

Have you ever wished you had a different eye color? >> Yeah.

Do you know anybody with two different colored eyes? >> No.

[redfoxwritesstuff]

Coffee and a Wedding (Chapter 7)

Good morningish. We’re back to our regularly scheduled programming complete with me forgetting it’s post day! As always, thanks to @winterisakiller who puts up with my constant whining and stream of random thoughts.

I’m going to NYC in December for my birthday to see Betrayal, y’all! 

Buy me a Ko-fi

Clint x ofc, warnings: glitter, bad kissing, references to sex.

Chapter 7

“On that note, let the real party begin.” The real party? The whole even reeked of entitlement but I didn’t have anything else planned for the night. I’m sure Matt would be glad to start some dumb rumor if I ducked out early anyway. Regardless, I wanted to get inside soon- the sky was heavy with clouds and I didn’t want to get rained on.  

Matt turned and with all the grandeur his scrawny suit clad frame could gather, pulled open the double doors. Inside was a warmly decorated Whiskey room that looked unremarkable. As I moved inside, I saw more warm redwood than I could have dreamed of. I was a sucker for the warm woods and rustic furnishing, though this was with a much classier touch than my own place.

Mark? Or was it Tim? Whatever his name was, one of the men made his way to the sound system and turned the music on. God, I hoped the music was going to be better than this at the wedding. Bass thumped through the air and it frankly felt like a sin to listen to such trash music in a whiskey room but what did I know? I wasn’t some rich trust fund kid.

A drink was well within my rights. So I wasted no time in ordering a double of whatever they had on the top shelf. I’m not picky but I have class. And dammit, I’ll not be outclassed by a bunch of children. It was bad enough that I was stuck socializing with the kids tonight.  

Alexis had mentioned that Sarah was her older sister. I wondered, as I sipped my drink, how much older than Matt she was. I knew there was only a few years between the two women but Matt acted a lot like a boy freshly turned 21 and less like a man each time I had seen him. The short beard on his face worked well to make his age a question.  

Wouldn’t it be funny if he really was as much of a baby as he acted? His own insecurity would go a long way in explaining his issues with mine and Alexis’ relationship. Our fake relationship. I had to remember that. It wasn’t real. She thought I was just pretending.  

That was going to be a battle for another night. Somehow, I had to make her see I wasn’t playing a game. I wasn’t pretending. She was a light in my life. I just had to somehow convince her to take a chance on this old man. Her reluctance would make sense, I am her boss and a good bit older than her. But man, I would give anything for just a chance.  

Looking around the room again, I noticed there was a lack of board games but I was thankful for it. The idea of drinking expensive whiskey and playing children’s games wasn’t my idea of fun. Maybe sometime next lifetime when I had a family of my own, children of my own but not right now and at a goddamn bachelor's party.  

There was a shift in the music, rather suddenly as I finished my first glass. The base got louder. The beat came to life and at that exact moment, the doors were thrown open by two of the men (boys?) standing near by. I was half amazed to not have the bad luck to be standing next to them at the time. That honor went to another who fell flat on his ass with the power of the blow. I couldn’t help but snicker at the man and his ill fitting suit.  

Half a dozen or so trench coat clad figures, tall and lean were making their way to the door through the empty street. The streetlights reflected off the wet ground as they marched through puddles.  

It was a sight to be seen, their hats perched on their heads, hiding their faces from the streetlights. Rain was coming down, dripping off the rims of hats and splashing up onto calves with each purposeful step. Artfully curled hair bounced on shoulders.

These women were here because they had a job to do and it was very clear that they intended to complete their tasks to the best of their ability. The click of their heels on the pavement seemed to echo over the loud music. Really, that was a figure of the imagination, it couldn’t be heard but with the way they walked, you expected to hear it. I learned a long time ago that it was often intent that mattered.  

I’ve seen women like this before. They were high class and high dollar. There was a time where they were a staple of a Stark Industries party though those days had long passed. Stark had settled down with the woman I was sure would eventually be his wife. I could only begin to imagine how much money was spent hiring these women and how much they would make when their night was through.  

So much for the high class boring event this was billed to be.  

When the women marched into the center of the room, two of the men who seemed to be in the know slammed the door shut behind them with far more force than needed. It was like they were going for ominous and failed to hit the mark with the too bright lights in the taproom and the music being a touch too harsh.  

The women spread out, hips swaying dramatically with each step. There was a stomp of their feet when they hit what I could only assume was their preassigned places. How long did they spend rehearsing this? Every one of their movements were perfectly timed and totally in sync. It was kind of creepy, if I’m honest with you.

They looked around. Right in front of me- I could lean forward, reach and I would be able to touch her coat. This one was a redhead. Curls of bright nearly orange hair bounced as she looked around.  

Her eyes locked on me as the other women selected targets. Each, in perfectly synced motions, hooked the brim of their hat in their fingers and flipped it off the tops of their heads. With practiced skill, they grabbed the hats from midair only to hook them on their target’s heads. Again, it was impressive and made me question just how long they spent practicing this and even more so, how much they were costing per the hour.  

I raised a finger and snagged the brim of the hat intended for my head. “No, Thank you.”  

“Oh Sir, you wound me.” Her voice was sticky like syrup in a way I couldn’t even begin to understand or describe for you. She batted her big and clearly artificially colored green eyes at me and scrunched her lips together in a way that was beyond sexy. “Perhaps, I can persuade you?”  

I watched with mild amusement as the women around the room were flirting with their targets rather than answer her. Typically, if they know you’re not going to bite, they go and other someone else.

The unnamed woman- I’ll call her Orangie- was shuffling even closer to me with her swaying hips. As I looked back, she was undoing the belt holding her coat closed. She was close enough now that the leather was brushing against my knees.  

“Leave that on, won’t you?” It was time for another drink.  

“Oh, do you like to the undressing, Sir?” Swaying her hips, she had the intention of getting between my legs and nope. It was time to stand up and make it very clear that I was moving away.  

“Nope.”

She looked doubtfully at me and questioned, “Not at all?”

“I mean, yes but not you.” I corrected.

She had her belt untied and coat on the ground in a heartbeat. For a second I took in the black lace that hugged her curves and kept what she and many men considered to be the best parts of a women hidden but just barely.  

The men around me were hooting and hollering, each having the time of their lives. Hands were on hips and bodies swaying.  

“Go dance for someone else.” It was hard to make it any clearer for her that I wasn’t interested. Another night, I'd think about it but not tonight. Not right now. Not when I cared for someone.  

Slipping out of my seat, I down the empty glass and went for another. It was going to be a long night. As much as I didn’t want to, I needed to stick it out long enough that Matt and most of his friends wouldn’t remember me leaving.

“Barton!” Jesus fucking Christ, wasn’t Matt busy? “Are none of these girls to your liking? They are young enough.” Don’t punch him. Don’t punch him. Don't fucking punch him.  

“Oh they’re beautiful and seem very talented. Well worth the money spent on them.” That drink wasn’t in my hand fast enough.  

“Than find one. Enjoy your night. It’s my last night as a single man, so let’s party it up.” I’m pretty sure, if I am honest with you- and I’ll be honest with you, that this isn’t going to be the last time Matt parties it up like a single man.  

“I’m just here for the whiskey.” Tipping my glass to Matt, I smile. “Enjoy.” I say before downing the drink.

With that annoyance making his way to a too skinny blonde with breasts that were very fake and judging by the way they moved, very expensive, I went for another drink to sip on and keep my hands busy.

With my back from the room, I nearly jumped out of my skin when long soft hands slipped down by back and around my side. Looking down, I found perfectly manicured red tipped fingers running over my abdomen.  

“You’re strong. Fit.” Organgie, of course.  

“I have a girlfriend.”  

She laughed and leaned, pressing her full and seemingly natural breasts against my back to whisper in my ear, “As do most of the men here. It’s a bachelor party, you’re single for the night. Let me show you a good time.”

“Not interested.” I wrangled her hands off of me and she went on her way with a pout. More than likely, she would try again soon. They always tried again, made the rounds until they found someone to accept the attention she was paid to provide.  

Leaning my back against the bar, I tried to figure out how the girls ended up with a sip n’ paint party and the boys ended up in a whiskey room full of strippers. Around me, men gathered around women, sometimes two or three around a single woman. They rocked their hips, danced and ran their hands up bodies.  

In the back corner, Matt sat with one of the blondes perched on his knee. His hand was inching up her fishnet covered thigh. His other hand was running through bouncing curls as she leaned down. Closer and closer, I watched in disgust as their lips came together in a kiss that looked more like he was trying to eat her face than kiss her.  

If this is what bachelor parties were about, I’m pretty sure I’d rather skip it and just go to a bar with the guys if I ever got my turn.  

Matt struggled to lift the blonde while he stood. Her legs hooked around him as he gripped her ass tightly. So tightly, in fact, that it was clear he was struggling to hold her up and walk. With nothing but disgust, I watched as they disappeared into a cleaning closet. Wonder how much Matt was paying for the full service treatment?

Not that I had anything against hookers. It was the oldest profession in the world and as long as everyone was consenting and sane, more power to them. I never found myself needing of their services but I could see their appeal.

Again, hands ran up my chest. “Go away, Orangie.”

“I want you.” leaning forward, she purred the words into my ear. Glitter from her hair dusted my shirt. Yeah, I’d much rather she didn’t touch me than go back to the room covered in stripper dust. “I won’t even charge. I want you so bad.”  

When she pulled my earlobe into her mouth with a suck, I slipped out from between her and the bar. “Nope. No thank you. Not interested. Bye.”

After downing my glass in a swift motion, I made the most direct path to the door. Was Smith fucking the Asian stripper on the coffee table? Was Smith even that dude’s name? Real classy dude, whatever-your-name-is. At least Matt found a room.  

~~~~~<3

I looked up from my laptop when the room door flung open. Clint looked beyond flustered and his shirt shimmered in the light. Looking at the time on my screen, I saw it was hardly even 11.  

“You’re back early?” Not that I wasn’t happy to see him, I am. I just hadn’t expected him back so soon. “And shinny.”

“Matt is a fucking scumbag. As are most of his friends.” Clint started in on his buttons.

“Okay? How do you mean? And why do you shimmer?”

"I'm a vampire." Clint deadpanned before answering again when I only raised my eyebrow at him, “Stripper dust.”  

I looked at him in confusion. “Stripper dust? How?”

“Well the board games Matt wanted his party to play was ‘pin the stripper with your pecker’. I was lucky to make it out with my life.”

“What are you talking about?” Closing my laptop, I slipped it into that little space between the bed and the nightstand on what was unofficially my spot.

“That party was anything but tame or chaste.” Clint announced, pulling his phone out of his pocket, unlocking it and tossing it onto the bed.

Looking down, I saw a picture of what appeared to be Matt trying to shove the entirety of a scantly clad stripper’s face into his mouth. There were two things that jumped out at me. Firstly, her hair was amazing- I could never get curls and volume like that. Secondly, I was looking at the single most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen. And I’ve cleaned the men’s room at the cafe.  

“Strippers?” Shit. Do I tell Sarah? Is it my place? Fuck. I needed to talk to her.

“Strippers. God, Matt is such a dick. Thinks he’s so grand.” Clint finally got the shimmery shirt off of him and tossed it to the side, little specks of glitter poofing into the air.  

“Did you have a good time at least? I mean- your shirt shimmers so you must have.” I tried to make it sound like I was okay with the idea. I tried to make it sound like the idea of Clint watching a stripper, touching her didn’t make me jealous.

“What?” Clint froze, standing shirtless in our hotel room with his chest on display for me. I couldn’t manage to appreciate it at the moment. “No. God no.”

“Were they that bad?” I tried to joke as Clint ditched his pants and grabbed a pair of sweatpants from the dresser and slipped them on. I did manage to find it in me to admire his ass as he bent over.  

“No, they were beautiful. But I’ve got a fake girlfriend right here to be loyal to.” He didn’t even look at me as he spoke. That was a good thing, if he doesn’t look at me, he can’t see the emotions play across my face.  

“You should have.” I say as if it wasn’t killing me to say it. “It would have been a perfect reason for us to fake breakup. You could have had an easy way out of this fake relationship.” Maybe if I say ‘fake’ enough, I’ll feel like it was fake.  

“Naw, I don’t want to go out like. What if you change your mind or need another fake boyfriend?”

“Change my mind?” What the hell did that mean?  

“Never mind. I’m talking nonsense, too much whiskey.” Clint climbed into the bed next to me as if that’s where he always belonged. Such stupid thoughts. It was too easy to forget that it was all pretend.  

“Babe?” He whispered once he had the light off. I could feel him looking at me in the dark, his breath fanning over my shoulder. I don’t know why he insisted on calling me that when we were alone.  

“What, Clint?” I whispered back.  

“I didn’t touch them. I didn’t dance with them. I didn’t let them dance for me. I told them 'no' and when she wouldn't stop, I left and came back here. You believe me, right?” Why did this matter to him so much?

“Yeah, okay. Yes, Clint, I believe you. Go to sleep, you’re drunk.”  

Rather than answer with words, a soft snore slipped out of my bed mate. I was now the only one left awake in the small room. My mind went wild. It was hard to remind myself, to tell myself and convince myself that he didn’t care about me in that way when he would say those sort of things.  

If I wasn’t careful, I could believe he felt the same way as me. If I wasn’t careful, I could fall deeper in love with someone who was only putting on an act.  

~~~~~<3

It had been two days since the bachelor party of doom as Clint had taken to calling it and I’d spent a lot of the time studying. Sometimes I studied in the room. Sometimes I studied at the beach. But I was always studying.  

Clint had been gracious about it. He’d been more than willing to help me review material as needed. I tired to get him to go out and experience the island without me but he would refuse time and time again. It was nice, to not be studying alone and he made a good study partner. Better than my classmates.

He made sure I took breaks, ate and moved. Most importantly however, he was always willing to help while taking care to never be a distraction. The test I had to take was online and once I finished it, I was officially done for the summer. This one class was all that I had left to finish.  

With a sigh, I closed the laptop lid and picked it up. With a risky flair of dramatics, I tossed the laptop away from me toward the foot of the bed where in bounced.  

“All done?” Clint asked.  

“All done.” I agreed.  

~~~~~<3

Tag List (Coffee): @winterisakiller, @theheartofpenelope, @ruebx, @hufflepuff25, @0-0-0-0-0-0-0-7, @theoneanna, @bradfordbantams, @toozmanykids, @alexakeyloveloki, @j-u-s-t-4, @missaphrodite23, @bambamwolf87, @nonsensicalobsessions, @tinchentitri, @xoxabs88xox, @queenoftheunderdark, @myoxisbroken, @wegingerangelica

[caroline18mars]

A Man On Fire - Chapter 52

That's close enough” she calmly said as he kept on wanting to come as close to her as she would allow, she judded her hip pushing her hands even deeper into her pockets, this wasn't ok, he had too much time to think of a whole lot of excuses. “Coco..I..” he stuttered, “I know my own name, Jay, was there anything else?” she snarled, her patience was starting to run dangerously low “nothing happened..” he quickly said, his mouth awfully dry, “are you really sure about that? Because I'm not, if nothing happened then we wouldn't be here”. A shiver ran down her spine as he waited too long to answer again “it's simple really, either you start talking or I start walking..and the truth this time, I need..no I deserve the truth”. He bit his lip just a little too hard, this was ridiculous, fuck this, I'm out of here “Harper! no..wait!” he jumped in front of her wanting to head back to the door “I'm telling you the truth..nothing happened, she can say whatever she wants but I didn't sleep with her”. Harper looked up at him, she could tell if he was lying right? she could see it in his eyes, he wasn't that good an actor or a liar for that matter, all she saw in those blue pools was a crushing sadness, give him the chance to explain “I'm listening” she backed down a little. To her surprise he walked over to the nightstand, picked up the phone and ordered some roomservice “sit down” he said as he put the receiver down “please” he repeated when she hesitated, “you need food and a drink? Really? It seems to me you're just trying to buy time, Jared” she was cold, the cold in her heart started to spread through her body. “I'm not..it was Shannon..that last day with you in New York, he sent me a text in the plane..she was there, apparantly just dropping by..” she sat down just watching him, was there a spark in his eyes when he talked about that trollup? Nope. “I'm not gonna lie, we were together for quite a while, she was..a groupie, you know, the classic story, model agencies send models to shows, benefits, thrive on the fame of..whoever they can get their claws into, were we exclusive? No we weren't, we'd hook up when we were in the same town and then stay together until one of us had to leave again” he blurted out, it sounded too credible “oh, so I was just a testdrive inbetween hookups with her, right? I should've known, goddammit I can be so naïve, I always thought that love..real love is as simple to everybody else as it is to me, just one on one, simple, beautiful, true” Harper sighed shaking her head “I don't care if I sound old-fashioned..”. Jared couldn't hold back any longer and sat down next to her putting his finger over her lips “you're not a testdrive and Val is nothing to me alright? How many more times do I have to tell you that? You are..you..I would fly to the moon and back for you..what I feel for you is something I've never felt for anyone..”. There was a knock on the door “just a second” he had trouble disconnecting his eyes from her mouth before he got up and let his roomservice being rolled in, “you hungry? I ordered everything you like..”.

”Back and forth, back and forth, I keep giving my heart to you and every time I get it handed back to me, nicely diced and sliced on a silver platter, I'm done with that shit, Jay..isn't it too early in this relationship to constantly cheat? Obviously you're not 100% happy with me and I don't know what else you want from me” Coco took a sip from her latte and put it down again. “I didn't cheat..I swear! How many more times do I have to tell you? Yes I woke up naked with her next to me, I told her to leave over and over again, the last thing I know is that she did..I went to sleep and..the only thing I can think of is that she spiked my drink at the club..I mean she even stole the key to my room, she just can't be trusted” his heart jumped in his throat, please just believe me, it's the truth “if I wasn't competely happy and satisfied in our relationship, would I go to these lengths to try and explain, to try and convince you of the truth? I know you find it hard to believe, and I know that there's a lot of prejudice about the music industry with the sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll clichés, but I swear I'm telling you the truth?!”. His question was met by her staring him down “if you are, then you've got a psycho on your hands..” she licked the milky moustache from her toplip “so what are you planning to do about it?” there, the ball was in his court now. Wait, did that mean that they..wowww “because I'm at the end of my tether with you, Leto..” she added “I'm not gonna keep doing this with you over and over again, so you tell me, what are you gonna do about it? If you wanna keep me you're gonna have to convince me that I'm the one you want, because let me be absolutely clear with you: I would absolutely leave you before I have to share you, so either you make a clean break with those past lovers or I walk”. How did he even deserve this creature? She got up and straightened her shirt “so if you're not gonna talk, I am” she started making her way to the door, “wait! Where are you going?” he shot up as well, “I'm going to talk to 'your Val', see what she has to say, what room is she in?”.

”Coco, if you go in there, it's gonna be drama all over again” he tried to stop her, “First, I'm never gonna be able to sleep with all this caffeine running around my system, if anything I want to walk off these lattes, second: so frikkin what? She's put me and you on the spot, I say we give her a cookie of the same dough, besides if you have nothing to hide then there's nothing to worry about, except for the fact that she tried to 'rape', intimidate and abuse you” she turned with a funny look in her eyes. She was right though, he hadn't done anything wrong and it was high time he got to spend some quality time with his lover, she seemed to be willing to listen to him. The fact that he actually had to call his brother to ask what room Val was in, lifted her mood a little, so it could be true after all that they didn't hook up, or maybe everything went down in his room..fuck it Harper, just wait until you heard her side of the story ,“528” he looked around and pointed at the door behind them and she didn't hesitate to knock on the door. Val opened the door and seeing them stand there a scowl fromed around her lips “Hello again Val” Harper didn't hesitate and pushed past her, “ah! Packing already I see?!” she let her eyes glide over the open suitcase, “no, I'm not packing” Val stuck out her chin to her, “well, you're not unpacking either, so in order for you to catch the first flight out of Rome at first light, let's not waste any more time so how about you show me the compromising pictures or a video would be even better” Harper gave the room a quick look around “where's your phone? Oh! There it is!” and strutted over to the nighttable.

“What are you doing? That's mine, give it here” Val quickly tried to snatch the phone out of her hands, “true, it's your's but I bet there's stuff on there that you're dying to show me, I'm here now, so come on, show me” Harper calmly said. Which was more than could be said about Val who started to get more and more aggressive and annoyed “show you what?”. Harper gave her a calm smile and shrugged “oh I don't know, how about the proof that you and Jared got it on last night, because spoilsport here” pointing at him, Jared's jaw dropped a little “is getting really old and alzheimery and says he can't even remember what happened so I want to see with my own two eyes what happened or didn't happen”. Coco could see Val swallow hard, she definitely didn't see this coming “I know for a fact that predators and psychopaths like you will go to any length to get their prey and they make absolutely sure to get it all on camera just to relive and relive the moment over and over again and to put it on your instagram and boast about it to your thousands of friends, so how about it? You know what they say: if you don't have the pictures to prove it then it didn't happen”. Was it nervousness that made her fondle her phone and clutch it tighter in her claws? “you're calling me a psychopath? That's rich coming from a loser like you and who are you calling old? Aren't you the one who didn't even know about social media or e-mail until a few weeks ago? Let me remind you that a lady never kisses and tells, that video is for Jared and me”. Jared stepped forward and snapped “I'm here so come on..show me! I want to see everything”, if there was any more proof she needed to know that Jay had been telling the truth, then this was it, she held her breath as she watched that pouting princess go bright red, “come on Val, I'm waiting here, show me the goddamn video”. Val crossed her arms over her chest and cocked her head pretentiously “no”, and all it did was make Jared shake his head “so there isn't one, right ok..just a tip though should you want to post that video later, if it actually exists, just think about the fact that you might go and tell the police that you probably drugged and raped a guy, we could smear that out in the press and on your beloved social media, see what kind of story that'll give?..We're through, Val, we already were a long time ago and stupid old me thought we could still have a friendship, I want you out of this hotel by morning and hope that I won't press charges or you won't have a career to go back to”.

Harper felt relieved when he closed the door behind him, like a ton of bricks had been lifted off of her shoulders “some fresh air?” he certainly could do with some, “definitely”. They walked and walked talking things through, every time she dug her cold hands deeper into the pockets of her thin leather jacket he wanted to throw his arm around her but could he do that already? Oh fuck it, “hmmm, should you be doing that?..” she looked at his hand that rested on her shoulder, what? his heart skipped a beat, but then she nodded in the direction of a certain number of girls still flocking around the entrance of the hotel “I mean..do you really want to show them what we really are?” followed by a smile that could melt ice. “Hell yeah! Let's go” he pulled her even tighter against him, god, it felt so good to feel her against him until one of the girls noticed them and let out a high pitched shriek, “I'll let you handle this” she breathed and stepped out of his embrace with a slight smile. “What are y'all still doing here? Aren't you freezing? We definitely were during our nightly stroll” he openly talked with them, holding her hand tightly, something that didn't go unnoticed by anyone. “I just love your work..I do a bit of drawing and painting myself” one of them was brave enough to step up to her instead of Jared, “you do? Oh thank you that's so sweet! Wanna show me some of your work as well?” she asked the girl who held up her phone with shaking hands “relax sweetie, it's only me” she grinned to put the girl a little bit more at ease. The other girls seemed to have equal interest in her, asking him all sorts of questions. “Everyone want a last picture? Yeah? Harper, honey? You have to be in it too” that was his way of rounding up things, he wanted to go back inside and finally be alone with her again, he had missed the feel of her lips so so so much. “Oh, sure” she gave the girl she'd been talking to a smile and pulled her over to the group that was forming, Jared held up one of their phones, took the picture and finally they said their goodbyes, taking her hand again as he slowly started guiding her inside the hotel. “They were lovely..” she zipped open her jacket as the doors closed behind them, “they are..but can you just stop talking for one second?” he grinned, “huh?” she frowned, but then he cupped her face in his hands and pushed his lips on hers', he didn't care if the doorman saw or the fans that were staring at them outside, feeling her this close to him made the world around him fall away. Her head started spinning and when she lifted her arms to rest on his back she could have sworn she heard little bursts of laughter and excitement coming from outside, did it matter? No because she was in his arms again and this stupid battle was finally over.

[sciencespies]

How the First Sports Bra Got Its Stabilizing Start

https://sciencespies.com/history/how-the-first-sports-bra-got-its-stabilizing-start/

How the First Sports Bra Got Its Stabilizing Start

SMITHSONIANMAG.COM | March 18, 2020, 12:48 p.m.

It was 1977, and Hinda Miller, Lisa Lindahl and Polly Smith were doubled over with raucous laughter. They say their very clothing was in jeopardy.

“We were literally peeing in our pants we were laughing so hard,” chuckles Lindahl. The object of their amusement? Lindahl’s then-husband and his shenanigans with his jock strap.

“He put his jock strap on upside down across his chest, and put it on like a one cup bra,” Smith remembers as the others giggle in the background, “and all of a sudden we looked at him and thought, ‘Hmmm.’”

Frustrated by the bras on the market, the three co-inventors of the sports bra (from left: Polly Smith, Hinda Miller and Lisa Lindahl) made a prototype using a pair of men’s jock straps.

(National Inventors Hall of Fame)

The three told CBS News Radio that they had spent the summer going to a plethora of stores trying on bras. They were looking for comfort in the midst of the jogging craze that struck the nation after the release of incredibly popular book, The Complete Book of Running. If one looks at ads for bras in 1977, one can see there isn’t a lot of construction that would keep a woman’s breasts from bouncing painfully while running. But the jock strap looked like it could work, especially after Lindahl took it from her husband, pulled it over her own head, and pulled the pouch down over her own breast so that it worked like the cup of a brassiere.

“It made sense to me because I said, ‘Oh, that’s something you climb into,’” Smith remembers, seeing through the eyes of the costume designer she was. “It will stretch, it eliminates all the hooks, and it is nice, soft elastic. So, after that, I was on board.”

Miller, who was also a costume designer, says the whole situation was really funny because they knew nothing about bras. “We had no limitations. We didn’t know you couldn’t sew jock straps together because in costume design, creativity is the highest value and you do things out of the box. And as everyone said, that was out of the box,” says Miller.

“It was a joke during a phone call with my sister, who said, ‘What do you wear when you’re running to make you comfortable and make your breasts not bounce uncomfortably?’” Lisa Lindahl recalls

(Jogbra Inc. Collections, Archives Center, NMAH)

The whole project got started because Lindahl and her sister, Victoria Woodrow, were among the many women who took up running (they called it jogging then) in the 1970s, and their brassieres were falling down on the job.

“It was a joke during a phone call with my sister, who said, ‘What do you wear when you’re running to make you comfortable and make your breasts not bounce uncomfortably?’” Lindahl recalls. “She said,’ Why isn’t there a jock strap for women? Ha Ha Ha!’ We both laughed . . . and it’s the same idea for a different part of the anatomy.”

Lindahl says she wasn’t a jock herself, nor was she athletic. But she started running to loose weight in an era where Charlie’s Angels was on television, and women wanted to look like the stars of the show.

“And I kept running because it became really my first spiritual practice. It made me feel good. It made me feel empowered, and I came up with the idea for the bra to solve my own personal problem,” Lindahl says. “And then I thought, If I want this, I bet other women do too.”

But first, they needed to come up with a prototype, and the fabric used to make jock straps was not quite right. The garment needed a firmer fabric and a much firmer elastic. So, Smith went to New York City, bought sample yardage, and made a prototype for Lindahl to try out. Lindahl went running, and Miller ran backwards in front of her, to see if the bra worked.

Prototypes are now in the Smithsonian collections and will go on view in an upcoming exhibition “Picturing Women Inventors.”

(Jogbra Inc. Collections, Archives Center, NMAH)

“I’m going, ‘Oh no that’s really going to inhibit my run,’” Lindahl says, laughing. But she says not only did it work, it felt great. “I thought, ‘This really makes a difference.’ . . . And Hinda said, “It looks like your breasts aren’t moving so much.’ And we knew we had a winner!”

Miller adds that the run taught them a lot. For one thing, she says, you can’t stop the breasts from moving. You can only minimize that. “What we figured out that everyone does now, is we pulled the breasts closer to the central line of gravity,” she says, referring to the plethora of products that followed their lead. “When the breasts go up and down without any support, the Cooper’s ligaments stretch, and that’s not good if you want to breastfeed your baby, or all of us are quite vain and we don’t want things to hang. So, we supported the breast by pulling the breast close to the chest wall.”

“We had no limitations. We didn’t know you couldn’t sew jock straps together because in costume design, creativity is the highest value and you do things out of the box. And as everyone said, that was out of the box,” says Hinda Miller.

(Jogbra Inc. Collections, Archives Center, NMAH)

Smith gave the prototype to Lindahl and went to New York City to mount an off-Broadway play. Miller went to South Carolina to teach costume design. Lindahl formed a corporation and issued shares to the three of them, then sent the garment to Miller. At that time, they were calling it the Jock Bra. Miller showed it to the owner of a small franchise called Phidippides, where the owner’s daughter ran a 5K and offered some suggestions for alterations. Miller hired an unemployed sewing supervisor named Carolyn Morris, who worked out the sizing for what all of the women felt was an athletic garment. But in South Carolina, women didn’t like being called jocks.

“So, I called Lisa, and she said, ‘Well what about Jogbra?’ and that’s how the name came about,” Miller says, adding that her father loaned then $5,000 to get everything started. “Carolyn made 60 dozen bras. I sent half to Lisa, half to myself, and we sold them in these small running stores . . . and that’s how we started our first sales history!”

But there was a lot to learn about the marketing process, even though the Jogbra was so popular they made a profit in their very first year. They say they don’t remember how much. By 1979, they went to their first sporting goods show in Chicago. They had a small booth, and a blow-up photo of a Playboy Bunny wearing the bra. It cost $4 to make, $8 wholesale and $16 retail. Lindahl remembers that there was a line of customers ready to buy it, and a line of sales representatives who wanted to work with them. At the time, she says, they didn’t even know what a ‘rep’ was.

Marketing was at first a challenge with sporting goods stores uncomfortable with selling women’s bras.

(Jogbra Inc. Collections, Archives Center, NMAH)

“I came in from a run one day and my phone was ringing. I answered it and a man said, ‘Y’all looking for reps?’ I went, ‘What’s a rep?’” Lindahl laughs. “There’s this long pause and this lovely gentleman said, ‘Y’all new to the sporting goods industry?’ And I said, ‘Yeah.’”

Lindahl says he spent an hour and a half on the phone with her, explaining how the industry worked, what a trade show was, and what they should and should not do. She hired him on the spot, and the company did so well they sold it 12 years later to Playtex Apparel. They won’t say for how much. Other sales followed, the brand got subsumed by Champion Sportswear and the rest is history.

The “Jogbra Inc. Collection,” including the prototypes, some sketches and early advertising and marketing materials, is held in the Archives Center of the Smithsonian’s National Museum of American History, though it is not currently on display. The three women just did a panel discussion sponsored by the museum’s Lemelson Center for the Study of Invention and Innovation, and they have been inducted this year into the National Inventors Hall of Fame. They will also be featured in the museum’s upcoming exhibition “Picturing Women Inventors.”

But all these years later, with women everywhere sporting Jogbras, Polly Smith has to smile at the fact that she created the very first prototype.

“When I’m in the gym,” Smith says, “and these women are strutting around in it and I’m like, laughing to myself.”

The exhibition “Picturing Women Inventors,” sponsored by the Lemelson Center, is scheduled to go on view May 22, 2020 at the Smithsonian’s National Museum of American History in Washington, D.C. Currently, to support the effort to contain the spread of COVID-19, all Smithsonian museums in Washington, D.C. and in New York City, as well as the National Zoo, are temporarily closed. Check listings for updates.

#History

[kamechan98]

I’ve Sworn Of Dating (But I’ll Gladly Let You Buy Me A Coffee)

Prompt: “That’s irrational.”

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“You know I really hate you for this.”

“Don’t really see why, you need a break from your workshop anyway. And maybe get around some people while you’re at it.”

Tony rolled his eyes at his best friend and took a sip of his soda. Ugh, being social was so overrated. Why couldn’t Rhodey see that Tony was fine being on his own like this? Sure, he really liked to hang out with his friends, but he also really liked his alone time too. Was that really so hard to understand?

And, okay fine, maybe Tony had been spending a bit more time by himself these last month, but so what? He’d had inventing sprees before and he’d been fine before. He had JARVIS who could order meals for him and Dum-E would make him smoothies or coffee and there was a couch there too in case he needed a nap. What more did he really need?

Rhodey took a bite of his burger, never once breaking eye contact with the stubborn genius. “Look, Tones, can I be real here for a sec?”

Tony shook his head. “I’d really rather if you didn’t, Platypus.”

Rhodey ignored him. “You’ve completely locked yourself away! I mean, it’s one thing when you’re wrapped up in your work and just forgets about everything around you-“

Tony scoffed and rolled his eyes. “And what makes you so sure that I’m not? I will have you know that I am so close to figuring out how to get my arc reactor technology to work for larger projects! Like, buildings and entire power grids! If I crack that, if would mean a whole new field in Green Technology and Stark Industries could go entirely green and ecofriendly, not to mention how many people would-“

Rhodey sighed and waved a hand at him, cutting him off mid-sentence. “Yes, yes and that’s all really great, you know I think it is. But the point is that I’ve barely seen you for almost a year, and closing yourself off like this and avoiding all human contact is just not good for anyone. And, to be honest, I’m worried about you.”

Tony waved a hand dismissively at his friend. “Oh you’re such a worrywart, Honeybear. I’m fine and you know it. I’m like a cockroach, I’m impossible to kill and I always make it out alright.”

Rhodey rolled his eyes and rested his chin in his hand, his elbow resting on the table. “Yeah, because me or Pepper drag you out of there, making you eat and sleep before you crash.”

Tony froze in his seat, for just one second reminded of why he had been locking himself away for a month. But he had long since perfected the art of not showing himself weak or at a loss, and so put on his usual, charismatic smile and hoped that Rhodey hadn’t caught that small moment of weakness.

“I am wounded, Rhodey! How can you have such little trust in me, after all that we’ve been through together, our years at MIT-“

Rhodey cut him off again. “Yeah, those years at MIT are exactly why I don’t trust you to take care of yourself. You are many things Tony; smart, resourceful, funny and a very good friend, but you have the self preservation of a banana fly.”

Tony placed a hand over his heart and gasped in mock hurt. “Honeybear, how can you talk about me like that, I thought we had something special.”

Rhodey smirked teasingly at him and munched on a few fries.

Rhodey had dragged him out to a local diner and forced him to have lunch with him, after having been in the workshop without break for almost a whole week. Tony had put up a fight, as much as he could against Rhodey’s superior strength, and whined and complained and made himself as obnoxious as possible so Rhodey would think he was too annoying, drop it and leave him alone to work in peace.

It hadn’t worked, obviously.

But Tony knew his best friend, just like Rhodey knew him too well. Rhodey had something else he wanted to say or talk about, and Tony had a feeling he knew what it was, but he wasn’t ready to talk about that. Not yet, and probably not ever.

But of course, Rhodey wasn’t one to avoid tough topics, at least as far as Tony was concerned, so when he cleared his throat pointedly, Tony knew what was coming.

“So… I thought about going out tonight; maybe get a few drinks and dance with Carol. You wanna come along? We’d both love to hang out with you, you know, it’s been forever.”

Tony rolled his eyes with a low groan. ‘Here we go again.’ But still, there was a small chance that he could get Rhodey to drop the subject, so he tried to look as flippant as he could.

“Oh yeah, I love being the third wheel to my best friend and his girlfriend when they go out to drink and dance on a Saturday night. Gee Rhodey, it’s like you know me inside out.”

Rhodey smiled weakly, though it was probably supposed to look relax and spontaneous. Like Tony was supposed to believe that this was something he had come up with on the spot.

“Well, I’m sure we could find a date for you too if that’s a problem. I mean, you’re great at attracting handsome men and beautiful women; you’re downright charming when you want to be. In fact, I already know this girl; she’s one of Carol’s friends and is going to law school. She’s really cute and-“

‘Oh my God, really? Are we doing this?’ Tony rolled his eyes and shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. He knew that this would come up sooner or later, but God, why couldn’t it have waited a little? Or never.

He groaned and looked up at his friend, trying his hardest to be patient. “Rhodey, I told you I’m not dating anymore. It’s clearly not working out for me.”

“You’ve been with plenty of men and women before! What’s that they call you, ‘Genius, Playboy Philanthropist?’ It’s not like you’ve never hooked up with anyone before, so what’s the problem now?”

Tony shrugged and took another sip of his soda. “Yeah but ‘hooking up’ and ‘dating’ are two very different thing. I can handle casual sex just fine, so long as we’re both aware that’s what we’re doing and there are no strings attached to anything, then it’s all fine and good. But I’m done with dating other people. Casual sex is fine but no dating, no tying myself up to one person, no love.”

Rhodey looked at him incredulously. “You cannot be serious, Tony. You can’t give up on finding love because one relationship didn’t work out, that’s irrational. What are you afraid of?”

Tony stared at him for a second, then sighed and looked him straight in the eyes. ‘Fine then. If you want to go there Rhodey, fine, we’ll go there!’

“Oh, you think this is all about Pepper? You think that I’m so torn up about her that I’m swearing off dating? Oh-ho no, no I can handle one relationship not going the way I want them too. But it’s not just her; it’s literally every single relationship I’ve ever tried with anyone! They always turn out to be assholes, bitches or some poor soul who can’t handle me and all my broken parts and bad history. No one I date ever sticks around for me or want me for who I am, Rhodey. So why bother?

Rhodey suddenly looked at all sympathetically, a rather pityingly, which made Tony even more mad. He didn’t want Rhodey’s pity; he just wanted to drop it all.

“Aw, come on Tony, you shouldn’t let those assholes control your lives like that. You deserve to find love just as much as anyone else in the world, you shouldn’t let a few bad apples spoil the batch for you.”

Tony rolled his eyes again. He knew Rhodey cared and was just looking after him like the good friend he was, but the whole thing about dating had been really soured after so many bad attempts at find real love.

Emma Frost had been nice at first but eventually it became clear that she only liked him because of his money. And she was also from a wealthy family, and he had heard her talking shit about him behind his back, like mocking his mental health, his heart condition or his trust issues or daddy issues.

Adrian Killian had been very interested, almost obsessed with him for a while, and Tony was so starved for some kind of positive attention from someone other than his friends. But then Tony introduced him to Pepper and Rhodey, and Killian had suddenly started to obsess over Pepper and had left Tony in the dust and tried to flirt with her instead.

She had turned him down several times, of course, but still. Not a great feeling when your boyfriend starts mooning over your best friend.

Christine Everhart had also seemed interested at first, but once he started to open up to her and tell her more personal stuff, stuff about other dates and how he’d felt hurt by how most of them had turned out, she had run to the School Papers and written a story about it, as well as other secrets he had told her. Then she’d dumped him for being upset about it.

Justin Hammer had just been a dick that was trying to find ways to beat him by trying to be smarter or better at inventing and building things, which hadn’t hurt so much because he’d gotten the hint that Justin was a pathetic little bitch and had broken it off very quickly.

Sunset Bain had been manipulative and leeched of his money, asking for expensive dates and gifts and what-have-you despite not exactly being poor herself, just like Emma. And it had been revealed that she had been trying to steal blueprints and secrets from Stark Industries through him for her father, which she had succeeded at in the end. Jesus, he would never forget how mad Howard had been at him for that, or the beating it got him.

Tiberius Stone had been forceful and abusive and had pushed Tony into sex before he had been ready, and it also hadn't helped that he was a few years older than Tony so it had before he had been old enough to 'consent' to it. While it hadn't been rape, it was still too close for comfort, since Tony had more or less agreed so he would stop demanding or guilt trip him into doing as he wanted. After that incident Tony had overheard Ty making jokes about the whole thing and how 'Stark had cried like a bitch over it the whole thing, like sex is a big fucking deal' and that 'he should be glad to lose his virginity to someone like him since no one else would want to', and he had broken up with him on the spot. Well, after he had hacked into the school's computers and ruined his grades, outed him as a rapist to every one who’s opinion mattered and let Rhodey, and Pepper have their way with him. He hadn't really given his consent for the last one, but the information had made its way to him anyway and despite all of them getting detention for it, he felt good knowing his friends had his back.

And while Pepper was the first person he dated that wasn't an asshole or a bitch, it had just been made very clear that they weren't working out as a couple and worked better as friends, which they still were to this day. And it really said something about Tony's ability to judge people that Pepper- for a short time- was the only person he had dated that wasn't abusive or wanted stuff from him. Really, it seemed like Tony was a magnet for assholes, bitches and crazy people.

Oh well, Tony guessed it was the price he had to pay to be awesome and from a rich and successful family.

So that’s seven. Seven attempted relationships that had all turned out bad, stretching all the way back from high school and all the way up till after he had graduated college. How is that even possible?!

Well, okay, Tony knew why. It was because he was Tony Stark: son of the Great Howard Stark, one of the biggest and richest men in the world and the greatest weapons builder, genius and businessman of his generation. And Tony had also built himself up as a genius and a handsome, charming and successful young man and was just building up his own future with his own company, focusing on creating new technology or things that might help people, like advanced prosthetics, his arc reactors that would change the world in the fields of green energy, programs that might help people work through trauma or bad memories or mental health.

So yeah, Tony knew he was successful and on the way making a big, strong name for himself as CEO of Stark Solutions, especially for a guy who hadn’t even hit twenty-five yet. But as a rich, handsome, intelligent and famous guy, it was only natural people would try to take advantage of to get their own fifteen minutes of fame.

But still, falling for it seven times? That is beyond pathetic.

Well, maybe six, since Pepper had never been that bad. But to try so many relationships and have them all blow up in his face again and again? To give his heart to someone else only to have it stomped on time and time again and be told that he wasn’t good enough or that was a wreck, or a wimp or whatever. To let someone in only to have them hurt him in the worst possible way?

He sighed and fought hard against the tears. He couldn’t take it one more time. If it happened again, he would probably break beyond repair.

“Look Rhodey, I know you just want me to be happy and all, but I have tried it before, several times only to have my heart stomped on and a knife shoved in my back six out of seven times. Pepper tried her hardest, but it hurt that one of my best and oldest friends couldn’t handle my-“ His voice cracked and Tony interrupted himself to clear his throat and pull himself together before he started crying or something equally humiliating.

“My issues.” He eventually finished, refusing to meet Rhodey’s eyes out of shame. He heard a despondent sigh, and then felt an arm around his shoulders as he was suddenly pulled into Rhodey’s arms.

“Oh Tony… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to poke at old wounds.” Tony nodded but stayed quiet. “It’s just… You know I love you, right? You’re like a little brother to me Tony and I want you to be happy, and you’re not. Not really. I mean, I hardly recognize you anymore. There’s very little left of that snarky, passionate little guy that I met that first year at MIT. The kid who was fearless and snarky and driven and wanted to live life to the fullest and wasn’t afraid to slip up or crash and burn if it meant learning all he could. It’s like you’ve forgotten how to be… you. And I miss you.”

Tony looked away and down at the floor, blinking hard to get rid of the tears.

Rhodey’s grip around him tightened slightly and ruffled his hair comfortingly.

“And I’m not saying you need to date to be happy, but it’d be a start, or even an idea. And just because you’ve had a lot of bad luck with dating before doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to find someone special.”

Tony took a deep, somewhat shaky breath and licked his lips. “I can’t Rhodey. I can’t do it again.” Because how many times can a guy take having his heart broken before it becomes broken beyond repair? How many times can a nice girl or sweet guy turn around and turn out to be a complete asshole on you before you learn to take the hint and realize you can’t trust them?

And just how cautious would one have to be with dating anyway? Where did Tony need to draw the line before deciding a second date was okay? How would he know who was decent and who was a sheep in wolf’s clothing?

“What do you mean, ‘how cautious do you need to be’?” Tony froze. Had he said that out loud? “Look, normally I would be all for being careful with strangers and all, but don’t you think you’re being just a tiny bit… um, paranoid?”

Tony jerked his head up and away from Rhodey’s shoulder and glared at him, no hints of teasing or light fun because this was not something Tony was kidding about. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? What, you think I should throw myself at anyone and just see what happens, huh?”

Rhodey’s eyes widened and shook his head, clearly realizing his mistake but Tony wasn’t about to let it go that easily. “Wha- no, no, that’s not what I-“ Tony cut him off, growing more and more angry and hurt by the second.

“And paranoid, really? Is it paranoid to be worried who’ll lie and manipulate you until all your secrets are out in the open for the world to see or read about? Is it paranoid to be afraid that some other asshole will abuse and use you sexually against your will?” Tony got up from his seat and planted his hands on the table, leaning over Rhodey and staring him down. “Tell you what Rhodey, when you’ve had your heart stomped on and been used and abused by every single person you’ve dated, then we can chat about being fucking paranoid!”

Tony grabbed his bag, threw the few couple of bills he had brought with him on the table to tip the waitress and pay for his half-eaten meal before storming towards the doors of the restaurant and left in a huff, ignoring Rhodey calling after him to ‘wait, stop’ and ‘Tony, I didn’t mean it like that’.

...

Tony didn’t really know this neighborhood very well, it was somewhere in Brooklyn that he had never been in before. But at the moment he wasn’t heading anywhere specific, he just stomped down the street, angry and hurt and somewhat betrayed by what Rhodey had said.

‘How dare he call him paranoid? Who is he to tell him how to feel about everything he’s been through? He had been there when Tony found out about Sunset’s mind games, when Tony called him in the middle of the night, hysteric with tears and asking for a ride home after having been raped by Ty! And he was telling Tony he needed to get over it and get back in the dating game again!’

Because while Pepper had hurt him badly, however unintentionally, Ty had been the one who had left the deepest scars in him. The guy had acted like he cared so much, had treated Tony like a prince for months, had been sweet and cuddly and strong and protective and made Tony feel so special. Only to become possessive and abusive, had tried to cut Tony off from his friends and eventually push and pressure Tony into sex before he was ready.

How do you trust anyone after being used and abused like that?

But deep down, Tony knew that Rhodey was right.

When they had met in college, Tony had been driven and witty and full of energy. He wanted to learn everything and had a thousand ideas for projects and wanted to do everything at once. He had been reckless, fearless and Pepper and Rhodey had been forced to rein him in or carry him home after a party. But with time, slowly but surely Tony started to rein himself and became more and more cautious and introverted. While he remained as charming as ever whenever he needed to be, which was vital when you were business man, he never went out of his way to meet new people unless it was for a quick romp in the sack with no strings attached. Which inevitably led to him getting the title of Playboy and was described as ‘not boyfriend material’ by the Press and Media, but hey, that was just what he wanted so who was he to complain?

Still, he could understand that Rhodey wanted to help him and bring out that old Tony that he knew back in college, but Tony wasn’t sure that old Tony was still there. He might have died some time after he had broke up with Ty.

Tony sighed and sat down at a bus stop, resting his head in his hands.

Yeah, he missed those carefree days too. Those days when he had passion and drive and a lust for life. When he had been fearless and outgoing and not burying himself with nothing but work 24/7, which was where the only place he found any engagement or passion in these days.

So he had thriving business and bank account but absolutely nothing else to show for it. No family, no love or affection and little to no friends. And even that wasn’t much, since Pepper was an even bigger workaholic than he was and Rhodey was away most of the time with the Air Force. And no one to share his life with.

Oh, how Tony might long for something akin to true love, or at least someone he could share his life with. He had dreams of finding someone, someone who was caring and sweet and honest and who wanted to be with him, not Howard Stark’s son or the CEO Stark Solutions or Tony Stark the rich and successful. Someone who loved him for all of his faults and ugly parts and bad history and issues drenched in issues and wanted to stay with him despite of them.

Someone who loved him for him.

But finding someone like that would mean to open himself up to the world again. To show himself vulnerable and naked before someone’s judgement again and hope it wouldn’t leave him heartbroken again. And that he just couldn’t do. Not again.

Because what if they turned out to be another asshole, or gold digger or lying dickface who just wanted to cash in on his money or fame or success? Someone after the things he had to give rather than who he was and what he could give that didn’t involve money or fame? And once they had gotten what they wanted, they would leave him broken and hurt once again to lick his wounds and try to piece his heart back together again.

Or worse… what if they were good? What if Tony did meet someone, someone who turned out to be everything he wanted? Someone who was good, who treated him well and made his heart flutter and he could lower his defenses around. What would he do then? Sure, he had been able to do it alright around Pepper, but she had known him since high school, so she didn’t count. And even then she hadn’t been able to handle all of it anyway, so it’s not like it really mattered. But Tony had never had a relationship where he felt like that and it had worked out, so if someone actually did turn out to be good, how would he deal with that? What if that person would make him open himself and he wouldn’t be able to close himself off again?

To be really honest that thought scared him way more than the idea of getting his heart broken again. At least that he had learned to deal with well enough at this point, but being loved? Actually, genuinely loved by someone who was better than decent?

Tony shuddered. No, he wouldn’t know how to handle that.

A horn honked, loudly and it made Tony jump and look up to see that a bus had stopped in front of him and the driver was glaring at him, annoyed and frustrated and spoke with a thick Brooklyn accent. “’Ey pal, you ridin’ or what?”

“Uh, no?” Tony said, more than aback than angry at the attitude he was given. ‘It’s New York pal, what were you expecting? You’ve really been locked up in the house for too long.’ he scolded to himself.

The guy rolled his eyes, muttered “whatever asshole” closed the doors and started to drive off. Tony rolled his eyes too. Seriously what were people’s problem? Sure, it New York but was there any need to a jerk every single second of the day?

But the bus made him remember that he needed to find his way back home soon, so he took out his phone to find what buses or subways he needed to take to get back home, when he heard someone running and yelling up the street.

“Hey, wait!” A guy came running down the street, waving and hollering at the bus top stop, only for the driver to ignore him and flip him the bird as he drove away. The guy groaned, frustrated and angry and ran a hand through his hair.

“Ugh, fuckin’ asshole! He saw me, he fuckin’ saw me an’ he snubbed me! This never happen’d in Boston.”

‘Hm, so we have a pure-bred Brooklynite here.’ Tony mused to himself when he heard the guy’s accent.

He glanced up from his phone and paused for a second when he got a good look at the guy. And hellooo Adonis, the guy was seriously built, had a body that would make a bodybuilder jealous and beautiful windswept, blonde hair and big, baby blue eyes. He looked hot and yet sweet at the same time, All-American in a way.

He looked so hot!

‘Yeah, so did Tiberius and look how that turned out.’ That traitorous part of his brain reminded the more lustful part before it could go too crazy and he immediately stomped those feelings down and looked back down to his phone. But he had never quite learned how to turn his mouth off so before he knew it, he said,

“Yeah, I hate it when that happens.”

That was a lie. Tony had never been one to ride buses, he’d always been driven somewhere or- after he gotten his license- driven himself wherever he needed or wanted to go. Come to think off it, he’d probably never ridden a bus in his whole life. But it had seemed like a good thing to say.

The guy looked over at him, groaned again and then sat down beside him on the bench and ran his fingers through his blonde hair again. He then looked over at Tony and down at his phone. “You know when the next one comes?”

Tony glanced up from his phone, raised a suspicious eyebrow before looking after at the timetable. “What, you can’t read the timetable?” If being a New Yorker meant being a dick to avoid being screwed over was commonplace, might as well act the part. Plus, he probably looked like a rich asshole anyway, with his fancy clothes, shoes and stuff; he might as well make the guy think he was one. Might get him to leave, stay quiet or at least make his brain stop going on about how hot he was.

The guy groaned at him, frustrated, before getting up and looking over the timetable, before groaning again and sat back down.

‘So, not good then.’ Tony mused and smirked a little, hoping the guy didn’t see it. ‘Sucks to be you.’

But then again, it wasn’t like Tony was in a better place. It was a long way back home from here and he really didn’t want to take the bus or subway at this time of day, it would have to be packed. But oh well, that was fine, he would just call a taxi and be home in-

Oh for fuck’s sake! Rhodey hadn’t given him time to grab his wallet before dragging him out of his workshop and out to lunch, insisting it should be his treat. He had only allowed Tony to change into a clean shirt and nicer jeans and he had only been able to grab a few ten-dollar bills to tip the waiter, which he had already left at the restaurant. So he had no money on him to pay a taxi or even a ticket for the bus or subway.

Wonderful. Fan-fucking-tastic.

‘Guess this is Karma for thinking asshole-things to strangers.’

Tony resisted the urge to groan or swear out his frustration and started to search through his bag for any bills he might have missed or maybe something he could bribe someone with to get a ride back home. Had Tony been the least bit rational he might have swallowed his pride, called Rhodey, apologize for blowing up at him and ask for a ride home, since he was the one who drove them here. It was what a truly smart person would do.

But Tony wasn’t rational and had too much stubborn pride to call his friend and ask for a ride after how he had blown up at him earlier. Also, had already ignored the calls from his friend up till this point, and he wasn’t about to answer now only to ask for a ride and admit that storming out of a restaurant and run off in a part of the city that he didn’t know very well probably wasn’t very smart.

‘No way Jose, that is so not happening. I’ma let him stew a little, let him worry. That’ll teach him who’s the paranoid one’

Had Tony mentioned that he probably wasn’t very rational?

He sighed and closed his bag. No luck on any bills magically showing up and he hadn’t brought anything worth enough to by a ticket with. And he wasn’t wearing a watch that he could pawn either. And judging by the map on his phone, it was at least twelve miles from here to his house on Manhattan. Not very long to drive, but pretty long to walk.

‘Oh well, what choice do I have?’ Tony got up from his seat and started to walk, only for Big, Blonde and Beautiful to call out after him,

“Hey, are you lost?” Tony turned to look over his shoulder at him. He looked a little concerned, any annoyance or frustration he had earlier gone.

Tony rolled his eyes as subtly as he could, turned to him with a smirk that was only a little cold. “Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. What’s it to you, pal?” He turned away started to walk again, only to hear him call out again:

“You need directions?” This Tony only looked over his shoulder at him. He had no interest in talking to hot guys at the moment.

“No.” Yes. He had his map on his phone, but actual directions might not be so bad at the moment. But, again, Tony wasn’t very rational and had a very strong pride and was still pissed from his and Rhodey’s talk at the restaurant, so stubbornly kept walking down the street and followed the map.

According to Google, a walk from Brooklyn to Manhattan took about three hours and ten minutes, and Tony had- of course- not taken he best shoes for a long walk today, but if he were lucky maybe he could flirt his way to a ride home when he’d cooled off a little. But he’d barely made it a down the street before he heard someone run after him and for a second he thought Rhodey might caught up with him and was ready to tell him to fuck off, when he heard Mr. Blonde call after him.

“Hey, wait up!” He rolled his eyes. What was this guy’s deal, couldn’t he take a hint? If Tony wasn’t so pissed at the moment, maybe he would be somewhat impressed by this guy’s stubbornness, but he was pissed and wasn’t in the mood to talk- isn’t that a first, he could barely keep quiet when he was alone- so didn’t even spare the guy a glance when he caught up with him and started walk beside him.

‘Don’t look at him, Tony.’ He told himself, eyes locked straight ahead and head held high. ‘Don’t encourage him. Keep your answers short and few and he’ll loose interest.’

“Hey, come on, let me help. I know my way around here, I can give directions if you need it.”

“Not interested.” Tony said curtly, still not even glancing at the guy.

“Are you sure? I mean, no offense or anything, but you don’t exactly look like you’re from around here and I thought you might need a little help?”

“No thank you.” Tony cursed himself after the words left his lips. ‘Don’t say thank you, moron! You don’t say thank you to someone you want to get rid off. Don’t be afraid to be rude to a stranger.’

Blonde Hercules hesitated and didn’t say anything for a minute or so, but he kept following Tony down the street. ‘Fine.’ Tony thought with a mental shrug. ‘Maybe he needs to got his way too or something. Just don’t acknowledge him.’

There were a few minutes of blissful silence- or as quiet as it ever gets in New York- before Adonis looked back at him again. “Where are you going anyway?”

‘What is this guy’s deal? Is he blind, deaf and just all-around stupid? Or is he a stalker, or a rapist, waiting for them to come across some dark alley, drag me in there and steal his stuff and have his way with him?’

‘Well, jokes on him then, I’ve learned enough self-defense to deal with big boys.’

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