#I wanted to see if I could make a soulmate au that had plausible reasons for not recognizing each other right away instead of relying

[cartoonrival]

HEY YOU Hit me with some Julie Su propoganda cuz I'm mostly lukewarm on her character and don't know all that much about her.

OK OK ... well baseline info she's the daughter of dark legion general luger, and half sister of lien-da and kragok, who are twins and both high ranking legion soldiers. when their mother (merin-da) died and luger remarried, ld and kragok hated his new wife (julie-su's mother) (mari-su) so bad they orchestrated her death, info which was they kept on the DL for a long time until js eventually found out about it. memory situation, js is raised by other folks who actually love her and doesn't learn who her blood family is until later. she joins knuckles because she feels inexplicably drawn to him (soul touch) (echidna soulmates) so she defects from the legion to join the chaotix. the soul touch thing sucks and i hate it but this is how it goes. ill talk about my au version of her at the end lol bc things ive built on top of canon are part of the reason why shes one of my fave charas in the series lul

ANYWHO i honestly find it pretty frustrating when people talk about js as just being pink knuckles, shoehorned into the story to give knuckles an obligatory girlfriend, because it really demonstrates that they like. weren't paying a lick of attention to anything because she genuinely has a LOT of personality but since people just go in anticipating anything penders touched to suck they don't even bother to think about her for longer than half a second.

js fills a niche that, imo, could always use filling, especially with regards to girl characters, which is to say shes a well meaning asshole. shes incredibly blunt, she's pessimistic (immediately assumes knuckles must be dead when enerjak returns and they cant find him, tells knuckles not to search a fallen ship that his mother was on because shes probably dead and she doesnt think he'd want to see that). shes terrible at handling interpersonal conflict (knuckles confesses to her that he feels guilty and stressed over all the pressure put on him as guardian and she scolds him and says "this isn't just about you", which results in a minor shouting match when she really had zero intention of starting an argument), she's almost constantly beefing with vector (tbf its because hes sexist he refuses to see past her history as a member of the dark legion). these might suond like cons but i love characters like this LOL and they fit especially well in archie where people love to get mad at each other and make dumb mistakes and it just feels very genuine and interesting and endearing to me. shes rough and difficult but she's also DEEPLY loyal. she'd die for knuckles and the chaotix and the way she interacts with them always makes me soooo ........ im just gonna give some examples i can find.

(knuckles is on the phone with her)

^ this was the genuine conclusion of an argument they had and im obsessed with it because both of them suck with emotions so they both give the worlds strangest apology and know that the other means it and they move on. plus putting her arm in front of SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG while theyre confronting eggman even after watching him CHAOS BLAST, primarily because she feels like this is more her fight than his (its about knuckles).

theres def more and i could find them if i was more on top of archie but unfortunately im #narutopilled rn. BUT ANYWAYS. shes just a very fun character with a messy personality and fun interactions and she loves her buddies sm even tho she bickers with them. shes just very special. she fits well with knuckles in a way that makes their relationship actually feel plausible instead of just forcing him to have a girlfriend (tho ofc the writing is fumbled sometimes like. ITS ARCHIE. bffr. but thats the case with literally everything ever in archie so you take what you can and its amazing). also see below. BASED AS FUCKKKKKKK

and ill discuss my au briefly bc u r asking me my opinion on js and that does play a large role in how i feel abt her, but rly im just expanding on elements of her story that werent discussed as fully as i wouldve liked. her relationship with lien-da is obviously BAD in canon, but theres not a lot of time spent lingering on precisely how lien-da and kragok feel about julie-su as the product of their fathers second marriage to a woman they KILLED because they hated her so much. ive also given her much more internal strife over turning away from the legion, originally joining the chaotix planning to betray them from the inside then being slowly convinced to join them for real after realizing how much she'd been brainwashed by the legion and what its like to have people who truly love and care about you. her story as someone who is trying to find herself outside of her history as a child soldier is something that TOTALLY deserves to be expanded on and its a bit sad that it wasnt explored. but i mean really im not changing her actual PERSONALITY at all because as i discussed shes oozing with it.... im honestly never going to make the full comic i wanted to so at some point im just going to compile all the lore and concept art and stuff into one big post to share. but thats like a spoiler free taste.

she also has a gun. which is fucking awesome because not enough sonic characters have guns. people make shadow the guy with a gun but he hasnt been seen with one since shth. hello....

[im-fairly-whitty]

Title: Forget Me Not by @im-fairly-whitty (Ao3: im_fairly_witty)

Fandom: The Witcher (Netflix/Books/Game)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences 

Wordcount: 11731

Summary: You meet up with your soulmate in dreams once or twice every year your whole life, giving you the chance to grow up together and befriend each other no matter where you live. The catch is you only remember what happens in those dreams if you’re currently in one, or if you meet in real life and you BOTH want to be with each other, meaning your waking lives carry on as they would have otherwise with you none the wiser as to whether or not you have a soulmate out there.

This leads to unexpected and wonderful tearful reunions between soulmates discovering each other in waking life, but if your waking selves don’t get along or have emotional constipation (cough, Geralt, cough cough) you and your soulmate can only watch helplessly from your dream meetings as your waking selves make things terrible for both of you without even realizing it.

Additional Tags: Geraskier of course. Instant friendship, but a bit of a slow burn romantically, because Geralt's had five year old Jaskier for fifteen minutes (and if anything happened to him he'd kill everyone in this room and then himself) but romantic feelings don't start until later when they're both adults. Hurt comfort, wump, First Kiss. Happy Ending because RIP season one but I'm different. Also young Jaskier is a national treasure who must be protected at all costs.

For @geraskierweek​: prompt 1, Soulmates

Geralt is eighty five years old when he meets his soulmate for the first time in a dream.

He knows it’s a soulmate dream too, he’s never dreamt anything nearly so vivid or calm, only ever having had muddled nightmares if anything at all. But now he finds himself standing in a field of wildflowers, a slight breeze brushing over the loose black shirt he’s wearing. An unseen sun warms his skin in the perfect pleasantness of a calm summer’s day.

And Geralt feels sick to his stomach. Because he does not want a soulmate, had been convinced that he didn’t have one after decades of nothing.

But as he walks across the field he hears the soft gurgling of a brook and sees exactly why it’s taken so long for his first dream to come. Sitting on the bank of the stream, shoes and socks stripped off with his feet splashing in the water, is a five year old boy.

Geralt’s sick feeling doubles as he silently watches the boy from afar, suddenly far more furious at destiny for what it’s just done to this poor child. Matching him up with a monster. The boy should be meeting someone his own age right now, a childhood friend seen fleetingly in dreams once or perhaps twice a year as they aged together. Not a witcher.

Geralt jumps as the little boy looked over his shoulder, spotting him. For a moment Geralt considers just turning and leaving, just walking away and out of this poor child’s dreams for good.

But then the boy’s eyes light up in a look of eager happiness and he waves excitedly, jumping up and running over to him before he can get away.

“Hi! My name’s Julian! What’s your name? Do you know what this place is?” The little boy asks excitedly, jumping up and down with seemingly boundless energy. “There’s so many flowers, I love them!”

“I’m Geralt.” Geralt says a little stiffy, mind reeling a bit. Because he can’t remember a single time in his life that a child has greeted him with anything other than fear, and it’s stunned him as easily as Axii.

“Hi Geralt! I’m Julian!” says Julian brightly, having apparently already forgotten his previous introduction in his excitement. He grabs Geralt’s hand before he can react and pulls him along. “Come see the stream I found!”

Geralt swallows as he lets himself be tugged along, at a loss for words or thought. Instead he finds himself listening attentively as Julian drags him to stand in the shallow water, proudly showing him wet rocks and pebbles of slightly different colors.

It’s only been a few minutes when Geralt feels the dream already starting to fade, they never last long for the first few years he’s heard. But by the time Julian disappears from sight Geralt is absolutely heartbroken for the child, having already come to love him in the kind of way that would have him burning a village should he come to harm.  

And Geralt is absolutely furious to know that he will have no memory of the dream once he wakes up. That neither of them will remember their encounter until the next time they meet.

***

 Julian is eleven when he finally realizes why he can never remember Geralt when he wakes up.

“You’re my soulmate aren’t you.” Julian not so much asks as simply states, looking up at Geralt.

The two of them are sitting cross legged in the wildflower field they always meet in, braiding long strands of grass to see who can make the longest one. Sometimes they explore together, sometimes they sit on the bank of the stream to splash around, sometimes Julian manages to get Geralt to tell him a story. They’re always very exciting stories.

“Hmmm.” Geralt grunts, not looking up from his grass braiding.

“My mum says if you meet your soulmate in your dreams not to bother telling them your name, because neither of you will remember when you’re awake.” Julian says, reaching over to pick a flower to weave into his grass braid. “That’s why I only remember you when we’re here, isn’t it?”

“Hmmm.” Geralt says again. But Julian knows it’s the “yes” kind of hmmm. They’ve met enough times over the years that Julian knows what all the hmmm’s mean now.

They continue to braid for a few quiet minutes, the soft breeze rustling through the wildflowers.

“How come you’re so old?” Julian asks, looking up at Geralt. “Aren’t soulmates supposed to be the same age?”

There’s a kind of almost smile on Geralt’s face which means he’s supposed to be chuckling, but then a little bit of a sad look too.

“It’s because I’m a witcher.” Geralt says, not looking at Julian as he plucks another long blade of grass. “It means I’ll live for hundreds of years and still look about this age.”

“Oh, like elves.” Julian asks, nodding sagely.

“Yeah, a little bit like elves.” Geralt says with a shrug, but now his little smile stays.  

Julian’s nose wrinkles, “Does that mean it’s not going to be until I’m like fifty that we meet in real life? So I look as old as you do?”

Geralt actually laughs at that, reaching over to ruffle Julian’s hair. “I do not look fifty. Thirty at most.”

“But you’ve got white hair!” Julian says defensively, warming to his argument. “Only really old people have white hair, everybody knows that Geralt.”

“A fair point, little lark.” Geralt says. His smile dims a little. “And I don’t know when we’ll meet in real life. I hope we don’t.”

“What?” Julian cries, jumping to his feet, throwing his grass braid into the air for emphasis. “But we’re soulmates! We gotta meet in real life too so we can be real life friends! How else are we gonna remember each other when we’re awake?”

“My life isn’t one that you want to be in.” Geralt says gently. “I’m always in danger, I’m always having to fight monsters and travel hard. You wouldn’t be able to come with me, it would be too dangerous and I would be too unkind.”

“But you’re always nice. You’re my best friend!” Julian insists, crossing his arms.

“It’s easier here.” Geralt says simply, going back to his braid. “I don’t have to worry when I’m here. But if we meet in real life you’ll be frightened of me, I’ll have two great swords on my back and be in dirty armor and look angry all the time to scare off people who want to hurt me.”

“I won’t let anyone hurt you.” Julian says seriously. “I’ll make them be nice to you, I’ll tell them how great and kind you are and then you won’t have to worry.”

“I’m sure you would.” Geralt says with a sad smile, holding up his finished grass braid to Julian as they feel the dream start to fade.

***

 Geralt is ninety five the year that Julian’s mother dies. He holds the fifteen year old on his arms as the boy cries bitterly into his shoulder the entire dream they’re together, having had no other shoulders to cry on when he was awake.

***

 “I ran away from home last month.” Seventeen year old Julian says.

Geralt looks over at him where they’re both lying in the grass, hands behind their heads as they stare at the blue nothing sky.

“Did your father finally throw you out?” Geralt askes. “Or did you finally hide enough money for Oxenfurt?”

“A little of both.” Julian says, voice deceptively easy. “Got caught sleeping with a maid and figured it was time to get out while I still could. I didn’t fancy being beaten within an inch of my life like Mother.”

A long moment of quiet passes between them.

“Are you safe? Where you are?” Geralt asks, looking over.

“Not really.” Julian says quietly, reaching down to pluck a blade of grass and starting to slowly break it apart in his fingers. “I’m pretending to myself that I am, but I know I’m going to get stabbed if I hang around much longer. I’ll probably wise up in a day or two, once I get over my pride.”

“Did you buy a knife like I told you to?” Geralt askes, knowing perfectly well how futile giving advice of any kind is, but having to try anyway.

“I didn’t.” Julian says, rubbing his eyes tiredly. “I was even looking at one in the marketplace, thinking how much I wished I knew how to use one properly.” he looked over at Geralt, sharing the moment of sad irony with him. “It’s utter rubbish, this not being able to remember business. At least when we meet I’ll suddenly have the knife wielding skills of a bandit from what you’ve taught me.”

Geralt chuckles a sad kind of chuckle that ends in a sigh.

Another minute of silence.

“And don’t say we’re not going to meet, because I can feel you thinking it and we are.” Julian says, raising up on one elbow to glare at him more easily.

 “We aren’t going to meet.” Geralt said, shaking his head tiredly. “You’ll see me coming a mile away and be too terrified to even get a look at my face. As you should be.”

 “I won’t!” Julian insists. “We’ll end up in the same seedy tavern someday, soon too now that I’m traveling, and we’ll see each other across the crowd as I’m playing my lute and suddenly I’ll remember how to wield a knife and you are going to remember you owe me a drink.”

Geralt only keeps shaking his head. “You only get your dream memories back if you both want to be together Julian. You know I don’t want a soulmate. My life isn’t the kind that’s supposed to be shared, there’s not a chance that I’m going to see you in real life and want you around me. Neither of us will remember.”

“You can’t convince me I’m unattractive Geralt, I have an extremely healthy self image.” Julian says, stretching in a comical attempt at a sexy pose.

“You’re a child.” Geralt scoffs.

“Not for long.” Jaskier says, raising an eyebrow. “Give me a few years and I’ll look as old as you, and then when I find you I’ll keep badgering you until you let me stay, and then boom. Soulmate memories.”

Geralt snorts. “If I had an entire week I could not explain to you all the ways in which that is extremely unlikely.”

Geralt closes his eyes, but he can feel Julian watching him from across the grass.

“If we already remembered each other, would you come get me?” Julian asks quietly, the barest hint of a shake hidden in his voice.

Geralt opens his eyes, looking at him steadily. “If we already remembered each other I would have come to get you the day your mother died, and then killed your father for good measure.”

“Okay.” Julian says, voice still quiet as he curls up a little in the grass, still laying on his side.

Geralt can smell the fear starting to seep off the boy as he feels the dream start to fade around them, pulling them back to real life.

“You’ll be alright.” Geralt says, reaching over to grip the boy’s shoulder comfortingly. “You’re stubborn and you’re quick on your feet if nothing else, you’ll survive.”

“Geralt, I-” Julian’s hand grips his.

And then the dream fades.

 ***

 Geralt is ninety nine the first time he finds himself in a soulmate dream where he finds that he’s even more upset than the very first time he found himself in the wildflower field.

“Geralt!”

He looks over and see Julian...no, Jaskier, sprinting toward him. The young man slams into him at top speed, grabbing him in a hug that is buzzing with energy and excitement.

“We met!” Jaskier cries, his eyes actually filling with excited tears. “We met! We met! I can’t believe we finally met, and Gods Geralt you never once mentioned how lethally attractive you are in real life! I thought I was going to die when I saw you! And-”

There are too many things in Geralt’s head that need to be said, too many competing emotions warring to get out first.

But Geralt does the most important thing first and wraps Jaskier into a protective bear hug, holding him close. Jaskier returns the hug eagerly, quieting for just a moment despite practically humming in excitement.

“We didn’t remember.” Geralt says quietly, pulling out of the hug enough to look Jaskier in the eyes, then anger surfaces for its turn out in the open. “And what are you doing Jaskier? Why on earth are you following me around? You nearly got slaughtered by elves on your first day! Do you have a death wish?”

“But that’s the thing Geralt!” Jaskier says eagerly. “I can tell there’s something special about you! I saw you in the tavern and I could tell!”

“You know we’re soulmates?” Geralt demands.

“No, no, no memories at all, but still it feels like...” Jaskier bites his lip, searching for words, which doesn’t happen often. “I’m not sure what it feels like, but it just feels like I’m supposed to be around you, I feel like you can keep me safe. I haven’t figured it out yet obviously, but maybe I will soon!”

Geralt feels his heart ache, remembering the disgust and irritation he feels toward Jaskier in real life without his true memories to assist him.

“I’m sorry for hitting you.” he says quietly.

“Oh that’s alright.” Jaskier says with a grin. “I supposed I deserved it, but I did warn you I was going to be stubborn!”

“Jaskier there’s no way this is going to work.” Geralt says, shaking his head. “I’ve already decided to shake you off when we reach town tomorrow, you’re too slow on foot and you sing too much.”

“You are so grumpy in real life, you know that?” Jaskier says, narrowing his eyes and jabbing a finger at Geralt’s chest. “Like, unbelievably grumpy, and mean! Do you have an entire witcher mutagen dedicated to being taciturn in real life that doesn’t affect you when you’re asleep? I swear you’re like a whole different person!”

“I’ve only known you for a few days in real life.” Geralt said, dropping his arms to his sides with a sigh. “You’re seeing what the world sees of me. I never let that guard down, ever. I can’t afford to. That’s the reality of being a witcher, I can’t ever be vulnerable or that’s the end of it for me.”

“I’m sorry.” Jaskier says, his eyes dropping. “I’m sorry your life’s been like that.” He looks up with a flame of anger in his own eyes. “I hate the way people look at you, the way you save all of them and then they treat you like garbage. I’m going to make them see who you really are Geralt, I’m already working on songs to do it.”

“Your songs that are already changing the truth of what actually happened to us?” Geralt said with a smile.

“Yes! And they’re going to be fantastically popular.” Jaskier says, absolutely convinced.

“Also,” Geralt says, his smile disappearing and raising an eyebrow as his grip on Jaskier’s shoulder tightens. “You are utterly shameless. I can smell you constantly reeking of lust around me when we’re walking around together, have you ever once in your life tried to be subtle? That’s the biggest reason I’ve decided to shake you off tomorrow.”

Jaskier grins sheepishly, “In my defence you haven’t told me how old you really are?” he tries. “I’m still out there assuming you’re a foxy mid to late thirties.”

“Will it really make a difference when you find out I’m ninety nine?” Geralt asks flatly.

“No.” Jaskier says, his grin no longer sheepish. “Oh, and happy hundredth by the way if you haven’t told me by then.”

“No changing the subject.” Geralt says sternly. “We’re likely never going to see each other again in real life after your obnoxious performance, so I hope you’re satisfied with our one death outing together.”

“Oh, we’ll meet again.” Jaskier said happily.

“And how can you be so sure?” Geralt says dryly.

“Because I’ve already decided I’m going to stalk you across the continent like a lovesick schoolboy.” Jaskier says proudly. “And my awake self decided that all on his own.”

“That’s because you are a lovesick school boy. One who’s going to get himself killed by following me.” Geralt says, shoving at Jaskier’s shoulder as they begin to walk across the meadow to their usual spot by the stream.

“Honestly though Geralt, why have you kept me around even this long? You have to like me at least a little.” Jaskier asks, looking at him curiously as he follows.

“You’re the first human I’ve ever met who doesn’t smell like fear when they look at me.” Geralt says with a shrug. “It’s intriguing. Novel.”

Jaskier makes a sad kind of noise, looking at him and then wrapping him in a second hug.

“Geralt, here I was fishing for compliments and you have to hit me with that?” Jaskier mumbles against his chest.

“Well I’m never ever going to say it in waking, so I might as well.” Geralt sighs.

“Just you wait, we’re going to make it, I know we will.” Jaskier says, looking up at him with a smile full of determination. “I’ll track you down again, you’ll see.”

 ***

 Only nine months and one dream pass before Jaskier manages to find Geralt again in real life. He is extremely smug.

 “Just you wait, Witcher.” Jaskier says, using the name he’s picked up from using in real life. “By the end of the year we’ll both have remembered.”

 ***

 If Geralt had known three years passed without a single dream he would have been worried, but of course he has no way of knowing that until he finds himself standing in the field of flowers again.

Jaskier is standing a ways off, arms folded tightly as he stares off into the nothing distance, his shoulders tense.

“Jaskier.” Geralt calls, and the bard turns, a look of sheer relief breaking through his worried expression as he runs to Geralt.

“Why was it so long?” Jaskier asks, face buried against Geralt’s neck as they hold tightly to one another. “Why haven’t we seen each other in so long Geralt?”

Geralt takes a long moment just to breathe in Jaskier’s scent, which is riddled with fear and unease, then kisses his forehead, aching because he knows there’s no good way he can apologize for how he’s acted in waking life. Because of course they have seen each other, quite often in fact, but Geralt hates seeing it with remembering eyes. His gruffness, the constant shoving Jaskier away both figuratively and literally. The way that Jaskier puts up with it all with a smile.

Things aren’t always bad, they’ve had good times too, but not nearly enough to make up for it in his opinion.

“I don’t know.” Geralt says slowly, almost having to remember how to use long sentences again after so long in his customary waking gruffness. “Perhaps it’s because we’re together often in real life. The dreams don’t feel like they have to pull us together any more.”

“It’s been three years Geralt and we haven’t remembered a thing yet.” Jaskier says, his voice sounding a little hoarse against Geralt’s neck. “I, I guess things are pretty normal for us only having known each other three years though, right? Loads of people probably act like we do. With me hanging on and you hating everything...”

Geralt bites his lip, realizing that Jaskier had gotten so used to glossing over his emotions around Geralt in real life that he’s even doing it here now.

“You scare me in real life.” Geralt said, being the first to be honest. “I keep thinking I’m going to break you or scare you off like everyone else, I don’t understand what you see in me to keep following me and being kind and it frightens me. That’s why I still have so many walls, I’ve never had a real human friend, and I’m afraid of how fragile I think you are.”

Jaskier makes a small choking sound, nearly a sob as he looks up and Geralt sees tears in his eyes. “We are friends then?” he asks, voice hoarse. “In real life I mean, I always keep hoping we are or, or will be, but I just don’t know what you think about me really so I just keep joking around it and-”

“You’re the truest friend I’ve ever had Jaskier.” Geralt said firmly, putting a hand gently to his cheek. “You just picked the worst possible person to try befriending. I promise.”

“O-okay.” Jaskier said, tears sliding down his cheeks as he gasps for breath a little. “Okay. It’s just so hard to tell with you sometimes.” He wiped fiercely at his eyes. “Gods, sorry, I swear I’m not this distraught in real life, honestly I’m alright, I’m perfectly pleased to keep worrying away at you for the long haul. It’s just so...so disorienting to be back here I suppose, to remember. I just wish we both remembered already.”

“It’s alright little lark.” Geralt said softly, sitting in the grass and pulling Jaskier down into his arms. Holding him tight, as if it could make up for three years of only rough and brief touches in passing. “This is my fault, I always told you I’d be miserable company in real life.”

“It’s not all bad you know.” Jaskier swallows, resting his head against Geralt’s chest. “Really it’s not. You’re always so kind to people who really need it, and you make the worst jokes when we’re alone on the road together, and you’re so soft with Roach, and you’re terrifying at Gwent. And I know you really do care about me, because you’re always saving my skin every single time I need it, and I know you make sure I get the best parts of our food when we’re running low, and I know you bought me those boots last month because mine were falling apart so don’t even pretend it was because they were cheap anyway. I know they weren’t. I know clothes Geralt.”

Something warm gently flickers in Geralt’s chest as his bard lists so many things Geralt hadn’t considered as being good. They were just things he felt he needed to do. But coming from Jaskier they did sound good. It almost makes him feel better.

“So you’re not miserable then?” Geralt asks hesitantly.

“No! No, not by a long shot.” Jaskier says, wide-eyed as he looks up at him. “Geralt these are the best years I’ve ever had in my life, I get to go adventuring with you and see sights no one in Oxenfurt’s ever seen, and then I get to go hole up for the winter in a warm classroom and write songs while you hibernate up at your witcher castle. This is the dream Geralt.”

“You should have better dreams.” Geralt says softly. “These years are the prime of your life, you should be spending them doing something else.”

“If you remember to tell me all that again when we wake up I’ll do it.” Jaskier says, a mischievous glint in his eye.

“Speaking of better dreams,” Geralt says flatly. “would you actually die if you didn’t jump in bed with everything that moves? As glad as I am that you appreciate me dragging you out of every fire you light under yourself, I sometimes forget I’m supposed to be fighting monsters, not cuckolded husbands.”

“Do you have any idea how much sexual frustration I deal with on a daily basis just from being around you?” Jaskier replies seriously. “When you walk around looking like a marble statue in black leather and a loose ponytail? And that’s just when you have clothes on.”

Geralt rolled his eyes. “Well, good to see you’re feeling better.”

“I’m serious Geralt.” Jaskier says, curling closer to him, looking down at the grass. “I’m not just sticking around for the song material anymore. I’ve...really fallen for you. You could at least pretend to notice.”

“You’re still so young.” Geralt shakes his head, resting his chin gently on Jaskier’s head. “You get obsessed with things all the time, I know you’ll get bored and move on eventually.”

“I won’t. Not from you.” Jaskier says firmly, one hand holding tightly to the front of Geralt’s shirt. “And you can’t keep using my age as an excuse either, I know for a fact that you don’t sleep with prostitutes your age when we visit the Passaflora, so you can stop pretending that’s a valid excuse not to be attracted to me at this point.”

Geralt only chuckles. “I’m only telling you what I really think in waking life Jaskier, you can’t get mad at me for it here.”

“Well, what do you think here?” Jaskier asks, looking up at him, their faces only inches apart now.

Geralt thinks for a moment, looking into the young man’s cornflower blue eyes. He can’t deny that in waking life he has considered more than once how attractive the bard is. But even in waking it’s not something he’s considered at length, far more concerned with the constant challenge of keeping his curious human companion in one piece than anything else.

“What I think here is that you are still young.” Geralt says gently. He kisses Jaskier’s forehead and the bard heaves a sigh.

“You’re the worst soulmate ever, you know that?” He says, squinting up at him accusingly.

“I’ve never claimed to be anything else.” Geralt says, a little too soberly.

“What if we don’t see each other again for another three years?” Jaskier asks, smelling nervous again.

“That’ll probably mean we’re still traveling together fairly often.” Geralt reasons. “You know, if you leave me alone maybe we’ll see each other here more again.”

“Not a chance, witcher.” Jaskier says. “Not a chance.”

 ***

 By the time they’ve traveled together for the better part of twelve years in waking life they’ve seen each other four more times in dreams. Which is not nearly enough, and somehow far too much.

“I’m going to ask you to escort me to Cintra tomorrow night for the betrothal feast, I got invited to play at it.” Jaskier says quietly against Geralt’s shoulder. The two of them are standing in the field of wildflowers together, simply holding each other after years of distance.

“I’ve been gone three days after a selkimore.” Geralt says with a smile. “How are you so sure I’m even alive?”

“Well now I know you’re alive.” Jaskier says, looking up at him with a grin. “I’ll remember.”

“You won’t.”

“I will.” Jaskier says, as if it’s a fact, not a wish. “And when you’re back you’ll probably be covered in all kinds of filth like usual and I’ve got a bath and everything all planned to butter you up to make you come with me.”

“I won’t like it.” Geralt warns.

“You don’t like anything.” Jaskier points out.

“I like you.” Geralt says.

Jaskier looks up at him with his thirty one year old eyes and tilts his head a bit. “How do you mean?”

“In waking life.” Geralt says simply. “I’ve started to really...like you. Unironically, I love having you around me.

“You absolute bastard! I knew it!” Jaskier cries in delight, taking hold of Geralt’s shirt collar. “And yet you still pretend we aren’t friends, but you do like me. I see you listening to all my songs from the back of the tavern, and the way you smile just a little when I talk too long even though you aren’t listening, and you are going to agree to come to Cintra with me aren’t you?”

“I probably will.” Geralt sighed. “When was the last time I told you no?”

“You tell me not to do things all the time, I just don’t listen.” Jaskier says with a smug grin.

“When was the last time you asked me for something and I didn’t eventually do it. Even if I didn’t outright agree.” Geralt corrects gently.

“Do you think...do you think we’ll remember soon?” Jaskier says, eyes wide in hope.

Geralt thinks they might, he really does. Even when awake he’s taken to being far more protective of the bard, keeping him close whenever he can, wanting him to stay. Wanting him. Even if he can’t even admit it to himself while awake.

But he just can’t bear to get his bard’s hopes up when he knows he can’t guarantee anything upon waking. For them to remember both of them have to want to be together, and for years now they’ve only been waiting on him.

“Perhaps.” He says with a shrug. He rests a hand against Jaskier’s face and the bard leans into his touch. “But I hope so.”

“Geralt, can I kiss you?” Jaskier asks, as calmly as if asking whether it was raining outside.

“If you like.” Geralt says.

Their first kiss is as gentle as the breeze whispering through the wildflowers at their feet, as calm as the small brook that flows past them.

The dream fades before they have the chance for a second one.

 ***

 Geralt is sitting in the wildflower field with his head in his hands. Even in dreams his constant waking headache hasn’t left him, in fact it almost seems worse.

Because it’s been five months since Cintra, and everything has gone exactly wrong.

He hears Jaskier appear behind him but doesn’t move. Footsteps through the grass, and then the pleasant warmth of Jaskier draping himself over Geralt’s back, slim arms wrapping around his neck as the bard kisses just behind his ear. 

“Well, I assume it’s safe to say that neither of us saw that coming.” Jaskier says with a tired chuckle. “You left in a marvelous huff before I could ask, why did you claim the law of surprise? Really Geralt, after seeing all that, what on earth were you thinking?”

“That you would think it was a terribly funny joke when I inherited a new second hand crown or a fine jacket from it. That we’d both get a laugh from it after such a trying night.” Geralt says hoarsely, having no reason to lie.

“Geralt...” Jaskier says, at a loss for words.

Geralt doesn’t move as they sit in silence, because they both already know that if he hadn’t invoked the law of surprise then he wouldn’t have stormed off on his own, that he and Jaskier would have stayed together, that they just might have remembered each other by now.

And instead they are now alone in waking life, who knew how far apart. For who knew how long this time.

Geralt feels his hair pulled loose out of its half ponytail and Jaskier’s long fingers begin to comb through it. It eases his headache a bit and he closes his eyes.

“But why did you run so fast and so far?” Jaskier asks quietly. “You’d disappeared before I’d even gotten to my feet Geralt, you were long gone by the time I got back to the inn. No one says you have to actually take the child for your own, you could just be a sort of godparent couldn’t you? Just visiting every now and then like a kind uncle, they won’t even be born for-”

“Because I can’t stand it when destiny gets her hooks in children, and this time it’s my fault.” Geralt growls. “When that baby is born they’re going to be caged in at every side by destiny. No matter what they do, they’ll never be able to escape being a child surprise. They aren’t even born yet and their choice is already stripped from them. Because of me.”

Jaskier’s fingers go still in his hair.

“Is that why you hate the idea of soulmates so much?” Jaskier asks quietly.

“This, no, this isn’t about that.” Geralt shakes his head, but Jaskier is already gone from his back.

The bard moves in front of him, sitting down in the grass and looking at Geralt, trapping his gaze. “Is this why we haven’t remembered each other in waking life yet?” Jaskier asks, and Geralt can’t quite tell what emotion it is flavoring the bard’s voice this time, but it’s something sad. “Because deep down you think I’m trapped in this, so that’s why you keep pushing me away? That I have no choice but to be herded back to you by destiny? Is this because I was a child when we first met?”

“That isn’t what I-”

“No, you know what? It’s my turn to talk.” Jaskier says, and the sadness in his voice is so close to anger now that Geralt wishes he was anywhere else but here. “You always say that you don’t believe in destiny and that everything’s up to chance, but we both know that’s not true. I don’t love you because destiny told me to, I love you because you’re the best man I’ve ever met, here or awake. You’ve been the only person I can always rely on, even when you pretend you hate me. 

“And think of Urcheon and Pavetta! They had it exactly the same as us, he was already grown when Pavetta was born too, and they still loved each other and remembered their soulmate dreams when they met in person. And now they’re together despite the greatest odds all because of destiny, and after what we both saw at that feast don’t you dare tell me that their love for each other isn’t real.”

“And now they owe their unborn child to a witcher.” Geralt says sourly.

“And why is that so terrible?” Jaskier cries in frustration. “You’re a lovely man Geralt, why is being connected to a child such a terrible concept to you?”

“Because I was a child surprise Jaskier!” Geralt shouts, he doesn’t remember getting to his feet, but now he’s standing over the bard. “Where do you think all the old wives tales of witchers stealing children come from?”

“But those are just tales, they don’t-” Jaskier says weakly.

“Every witcher was a child surprise.” Geralt says hotly. “That’s where we all come from. A life is saved and the law of surprise is demanded in return, and when the child is old enough to walk they’re whisked away, no matter how hard the parents beg. Because it’s destiny. And then seven out of ten of those little boys dies in terrible agony. Because it’s their destiny. My mother couldn’t have kept me back if she wanted to, I don’t even know if she wanted to Jaskier. My entire life has been set by some great unseeing hand and I hate it, and now it’s used me to get its claws into the unborn heir of Cintra, all because I couldn’t keep my idiot mouth shut. Do you perhaps, in all your sage acceptance of fate, see how that could perhaps possibly upset me?”

“Geralt, I didn’t know.” Jaskier says, face pale.

“No, you didn’t.” Geralt snaps. “Because as lovely as things are in this bloody field while we’re asleep, in waking my life is a terrible, dangerous, dark thing. Destiny decided before I was even born that I was to face pain and death every second of my unnaturally long life. I’m always going to be at the end of a blade, and the only thing that’ll keep me from being on the wrong end is if I treat everything around me like a threat. That is why we haven’t remembered each other in waking Jaskier, because you don’t belong in a life like that. I refuse to trap you in that with me.”

The breeze that is always brushing across the wildflower field has disappeared, leaving things unnaturally silent as Jaskier stares up at him. Wide blue eyes gazing at him, mercilessly soft. Geralt wishes that Jaskier would jump up too, that he would start yelling back at him, shove him, give him something else to react against. But he doesn’t.

“Do you love me?” Jaskier asks, watching him.

“What do you mean?” Geralt says.

“Do you?” Jaskier asks.

“Of course I do.”

“Good.”

“What do you mean, good?”

“Because I love you,” Jaskier says simply, picking a pale yellow wildflower from the grass by his knee. “and if we both still love each other that means we’ll manage to find each other again once you come to your senses.”

“Jaskier, I-”

“You don’t get to bad mouth destiny for supposedly taking away my choice and then go and try to take it away yourself.” Jaskier says, getting to his feet.

Geralt finds himself powerless to move as the bard tucks the flower behind his ear and kisses his cheek. Jaskier wraps his arms around his neck.

“I’ve been in your life for twelve waking years witcher,” Jaskier says gently in his ear. “And I’m not a child anymore. By now I know exactly what I’m getting myself into every time I tag along you know, I choose to be around you. I want to be with you. I’ll see you again.”

Geralt closes his eyes, gritting his teeth. Then he sighs, resting his head on Jaskier’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” Geralt says.

For yelling at him? For trying to force Jaskier’s hand? For abandoning him without a word in waking life? Or just for destiny tying them together in the first place? Maybe all four.

“Everything will be alright.” Jaskier says, kissing the corner of his mouth. “With us and with your child surprise. Even if it takes a while to get there.”

“Don’t you ever get tired of me?” Geralt asks. “How can you stand to be around me, even when I try driving you away?”

“I can always tell you don’t mean it.” Jaskier says, looking serious. “Deep down I think I know it’s not the real you when you act like that. But you’re lucky my waking self is convinced we’re soulmates and that we’ll wake up any moment, because sometimes you really are a prick Geralt.”

“You really think we’re soulmates when you’re awake?” Geralt asks, looking him in the eyes.

“It’s a ridiculously optimistic wish I can’t manage to make myself let go of.” Jaskier says with a shrug. “But we both know I’m a bit of an idiot.”

“Hmmm.” Geralt agrees.

“Not nearly as much of an idiot as you, but we make a fine pair I’ll admit.” Jaskier says with a grin.

Geralt moves to kiss him, but the dream fades before he has the chance.

 ***

 The next time they meet he kisses Jaskier before he has the chance to say anything.

“Well. Hello, you.” Jaskier says, breathless but smiling as Geralt finally releases him from the kiss.

“Didn’t get to kiss you last time,” Geralt says, burying his face against Jasker’s neck and breathing in the bard’s scent. “Wanted to get it done first this time.”

“Well I certainly have no objection to that.” Jaskier hums. “I miss you you know, it’s been a few years. I’ve started courting a countess in your absence if you can believe it.”

“How terribly unfortunate for you.” Geralt says. He laughs as Jaskier smacks him.

***

 “So. Yennifer.” Jaskier says quietly.

The two of them are curled up together in the long grass, Jaskier’s back against Geralt’s chest. The bard traces his fingers aimlessly over the arm Geralt has around his waist.

“Hmmm.” Geralt says, burying his nose in Jaskier’s hair, as if that will somehow keep them from the topic. But this is the first time they’ve seen each other since the djinn, so of course they’re going to talk about it.

“You know for not wanting people to be attached to you through cosmic means, you’re terrible at it.” Jaskier says.

“I really don’t need a reminder.” Geralt grumbles, closing his eyes tiredly.

“Why did you bind yourself to her?” Jaskier asks, words crisp. As if trying his hardest to keep them unemotional.

“She saved your life Jaskier, I couldn’t let her die.”

Geralt nearly whines as Jaskier pulls away from him, sitting up to look him in the face.

“She framed you for something that nearly got you executed, and then she tried to rope me into a dark ritual that went so badly it ripped an entire manor to pieces.” Jaskier says flatly. “You’d known her all of a few hours. You absolutely could have let her die.”

“Jaskier.” Geralt sighs.

“Is it because she’s older than you?” Jaskier says, his tone back to the flat clipped tone that means he’s hiding his emotions. “Is it because she’s powerful? Because she hates you? Everything I’m not?”

“Jaskier, no.” Geralt says, pushing himself up with a frown. “Yen is a good person, she’s just very old and hurting.”

“So you want her as your soulmate instead because she’s like you.” Jaskier says. “Because you can’t want things for yourself if they don’t involve something dangerous enough to kill you. That’s why you really like her isn’t it? Because chasing after her gives you the same rush as hunting monsters, it’s all you know how to do.”

“This is not about replacing you.” Geralt says, reaching for his wrist. “You’ve been with plenty of other people, that countess of yours kept you occupied for several years, why am I not allowed the same?”

“Because I don’t bind their souls to me with a djinn wish!” Jaskier snaps, yanking his arm away and getting to his feet.

“Jaskier, please, I’m sorry.” Geralt says, kneeling in front of the bard, hands up in surrender. “A djinn can’t kill its master, the only way I could think to save her was by binding her to me. It’s magic that can be undone, it’s not the same as destiny. I couldn’t let her die after she saved you. I would have broken if you’d died because of me.”

Jaskier crosses his arms, swallowing hard as he looks away. But he doesn’t say anything.

“And you’re right,” Geralt says, pressing on in the way he only ever manages when he’s not awake, when there’s only Jaskier to hear him. Where not even he will remember what he said in a few hours. “I am attracted to her because she’s like me. We have a lot of the same pain, a lot of the same fears.”

“Oh? And what is it that Yennefer of Vengerburg is so afraid of?” Jaskier says hotly.

“That she’ll never truly be loved, that’s she’s so far from human that no one will ever be able to need and care about her.” Geralt says.

“You can’t honestly believe that about yourself.” Jaskier says, looking at him with an expression of sad anger.

“I do when I’m awake.” Geralt says quietly. Because what else can he say?

Jaskier clenches his jaw, making a muffled irritated sound as he turns and stomps a few steps away, rubbing his face before turning back.

“How can you be so thick?” he cries, sharply gesturing at him with both hands. “How Geralt? How can you possibly be this dense? Why must you always see something simple and think to yourself, how can I make this as complicated as possible instead, hmmm? Is that something they taught you in Witcher school, all those apparently eons ago since you’re sooo old that you’re beyond the reach of human love and reason? You drag yourself into every terrible situation you can find, and then you have the audacity to be shocked when it has less than optimal results. Every single time.”

Jaskier is rambling. Which Geralt knows by now means less that the bard truly means what he says, and more that the man is trying very hard not to cry.

Geralt silently gets to his feet and catches Jaskier, pulling him into an embrace despite the bard’s protests and struggling. Jaskier hisses and pushes at him, hitting his chest, but then the bard goes limp in his arms, beginning to cry into Geralt’s shoulder.

Geralt says nothing, having nothing he can say. So he just holds Jaskier as the man sobs, looks up at the blue nothing sky.

“I hate these dreams.” Jaskier says thickly, face buried against Geralt’s neck. “I hate them. Everything is simpler when I’m awake, I hate remembering that things could be better, I wish I could just forget.”

“You don’t mean that.” Geralt says, his heart breaking.

“Don’t I?” Jaskier says, looking up at him with red rimmed eyes, tears running down his cheeks. “When I’m awake at least I have the luxury of thinking you’re an unrealistic fantasy, I can think every second I have with you is the best I’ve ever had. When I’m here I’m reminded every minute of what I don’t have, and even worse that you do care. It’s like having two hearts to be broken instead of only one Geralt.”

“Jaskier...please...” Geralt says helplessly, words failing him as surely as if he were awake. “If I knew how to fix this I would, you know I would.”

“I don’t know that anymore Geralt, that’s the problem.” Jaskier cries. “Because all I’ve ever heard you say in waking is that you don’t want to be needed, and when I’m here all you ever talk about is how much you don’t want me in your life with you. What am I supposed to think Geralt?”

“I...”

I’m not good at this.

I’m only pushing you away to protect you because I really do love you.

I need you.

But Geralt can’t figure out how to get the feelings from his brain to his mouth, leaving him stumbling for words as Jaskier watches him.

Geralt feels the dream fading around them and it only blocks his speech worse as he panics.

Jaskier disappears from his arms.

 ***

 The next time Geralt finds himself in the wildflower field he is immediately consumed by a prickling feeling of guilt and panic that curls in his gut. Because even in waking he’s been consumed by uneasy guilt for the last two weeks, convinced he’s made a truly deep mistake but not quite knowing why underneath all his justifications.

If life could give me one blessing, it would be to take you off my hands.

...I’ll see you around Geralt...

And now he knows exactly why, with excruciating clarity.

He sees a figure in the distance, watching him. Jaskier’s shirt is whipping in the stiff wind that races across the wildflower field, stronger than it’s ever been before, ripping petals off stems. The blue nothing sky has become a dark grey nothing sky above them, and sharp, dangerous shadows stretch across the field from nowhere.

“Jaskier!” Geralt shouts, starting toward him. He has to reach him, he has to make things right, fix what he’s done. He’s messed up far too badly this time, he has to fix this.

Jaskier doesn’t move, just watches him approach as the wind picks up even stronger, ripping up blades of grass and dirt that pelt against Geralt as he picks up speed.

“Jaskier, I-!”

Jaskier turns away from Geralt and walks away.

He takes two steps and vanishes completely into thin air.

Geralt stumbles to a halt, shielding his face as he shouts Jaskier’s name, not even hearing himself above the howling of the wind. He tries to push forward but is knocked to his knees. He squeezes his eyes shut against the gale, hunching down to dig his fingers into the ground to try and anchor himself, but everything feels like it is slipping, being ripped away from around him as he tries desperately to-

***

 Geralt jolts upright, already half to his feet in a blind panic before the sleep clears from his head. He looks around and sees his camp. He’s awake. He’s alone. His pulse is racing from his dream.

He pants as he sits back down on his bedroll, forcing himself to take deep breaths as his heart beats far too fast for a witcher.

The noises of the forest night gently ease back into his senses as he rubs his face. The chirping of crickets, the whispering of a night breeze in the tree branches above him, the soft noises of Roach, who is watching him with worried interest from where she is grazing a few yards away in the dark. His campfire hasn’t even burned down to embers yet, so he gets up and throws on another log for the flames to eat at, trying to ignore the cold sweat covering him as he shakes slightly.

Because he hasn’t been able to sleep for three days now. Not even meditating helps for long.

Because every time he truly slips into unconsciousness he ends up in the same nightmare, and he doesn’t even know why it’s a nightmare. He’s always standing alone in the middle of a torn up field cast in a dark reddish light, strewn with the dead wreckage of uprooted grass and flowers. There is a dried up streambed and the air is dead still around him, feeling nearly suffocating.

And that’s all there is. Geralt’s never even seen the field before that he knows of, but every nightly visit fills him with such a sick feeling of loss that he wakes up shaking.

The night before it all started he’d actually woken up crying.

Though he doesn’t remember what it is he dreamed of that night.

“It’s got to be a warning.” Geralt says to Roach as he pulls a waterskin from his pack, voice not shaking. “If it’s the same vision repeated. But I don’t know what for, I never see anyone or anything. There’s not even buildings...just...dead flowers...”

He sits heavily on a log near the side of the campfire, drinking from the waterskin as he tries to pull his thoughts back together. But as he does his mind turns immediately to the other thing he’s been desperately trying not to think about.

Because he may be haunted by a dead field in his dreams, but when he’s awake all he can see is the back of a red doublet. All he can hear is his own angry words ringing in his mind. Jaskier’s unsteady ones in reply. Playing over and over and over and over-

“What am I supposed to do?” Geralt growls, throwing his hands up at the sky. Roach startles a little at his near shouting but Geralt isn’t even sure he’s talking to her anymore. To himself? Maybe. “I can’t sleep, I can’t think, I’m alone...”

Didn’t he want to be alone? Isn’t that what he’s been claiming his entire life?

“He was going to get hurt.” Geralt says lamely, his worn out excuse sounding pitiful. “He’s already spent too much of his life around me...he should be somewhere else...”

Nevermind that after so many years of company Geralt is always miserable without the bard beside him, no matter how much he tries to deny it. No matter that he knows for a fact that he’d hurt Jaskier worse than any monster they’d faced over the years when he’d shouted at him on that mountain.

The part that really hurts though is that Geralt knows he hadn’t even blamed Jaskier for things that were really his fault. He’d targeted Jaskier knowing he would take it, that the bard was the one person in the world who always stuck by him no matter how he treated him.

And it made Geralt sick. He’d finally crossed the line. Crossed the line and lost what he hadn’t known he had.

No, because that was a lie too. He knows he loves Jaskier, has for years. He’s just too much of a coward to accept it. Not when there is so much love bursting out of the bard, a frightening amount of care and affection waiting right in front of him. Something that Geralt can’t stand to lose, and therefore couldn’t risk touching, in case he harms it.

Geralt snarls at himself, starting to gather up his camp. Roach knickers curiously as he saddles her and packs everything into saddlebags, then goes over and stomps out the campfire. There was no use hanging around if he wasn’t going to be able to sleep anyway. That and he needs to get on the trail before he loses his nerve.

“Come on Roach.” he barks, pulling himself up into the saddle and digging in his heels.

Roach winnies and starts off under the light of the moon as Geralt steers her back to the main road.

If Geralt rides hard they could be back to the mountain in a day or two and he can track Jaskier from there. On foot the bard won’t have made it too far in three weeks, Geralt knows Jaskier prefers staying days or even weeks at a time in each town when Geralt isn’t with him. If he’s lucky he might be able to track him down in three or four days time.

He only hopes he won’t be collapsing from lack of sleep by then. He still has no idea how to treat his nightmares, should probably contact Triss or Yen about it before he goes mad, but Jaskier at least he knows how to find.

He has no idea what he can possibly say to the bard when he does, but even riding in the right direction makes him feel a little better. He just tries not to think about how long he’s been riding in the wrong one.

 ***

 Jaskier has been bleeding for three weeks, but it’s the kind that no one else can see.

He bleeds into his lyrics, he bleeds into the notes he sings. Late at night he lays in bed, staring blankly at the wall of his inn room, feeling his sadness seep down into the sheets under him. Leaving him feeling hollow and cold.

The coin is good. People are moved by his music. The inn rooms are good. Paid for by the coin.

He supposed he could have found himself good company as well if he’d been able to look anyone in the eye.

Instead he is sitting outside in the dark. Alone. He sits under a tree near the empty market square of the town he’s been staying in for a week now, only the low flickering glow of hung lanterns to keep him company as he watches the night around him. It must be close to midnight, but he’s been sitting here since sunset, his lute laying silently in his lap, watching the night with him.

Because Jaskier does not know why it hurts so much, why being chased off by Geralt of Rivia has cut him to his very core in a way nothing else ever has. Especially since, despite the cheerful face he wears, Jaskier is no stranger to grief and disappointment.

Jaskier had longed after Geralt from the moment they met, back when he was practically still a child. They’d become good friends, despite what the Witcher often claimed, and Jaskier had always thought something was different about them. There must have been with the way Geralt allowed him closer and longer than anyone else in his life. Jaskier knew that Geralt cared about him underneath all of his emotional barriers, in recent years he’d even thought...had even suspected that...

Jaskier takes a slow, deep breath of the cool night air. He has been still so long that his body feels a step distant. As if he is merely a spirit watching invisibly with the trees as the night air brushes through the sparse grass in the empty marketplace. He wonders if this is how Geralt feels when he meditates.

He’ll never know now. Not now that Jaskier is finally realizing that it’s over. That he will no longer track down the Witcher, can never again follow behind him. Because if after all this time, after all these years, Geralt truly wants him gone...then Jaskier will finally give up.

So why does it feel like something deep inside of him has broken?

Jaskier watches as a figure makes its way down the street toward the square, a large man who is moving slowly. Jaskier watches with a detached kind of interest, this is simply the latest passerby to wander through the square this evening and Jaskier sits in the deep shadow of the tree, tucked safely out of sight.

But as the man moves closer Jaskier feels a prickle of unease. The man is moving more strangely than he’d realized, slowing every few steps as if...smelling the air...

Jaskier’s pulse quickens as his brain starts flipping through his mental catalogue of beasts and monsters, one that is quite extensive after decades of traveling with a witcher. He suddenly feels very foolish for indulging his dramatic side by staying out so late alone, his warm inn room with its lovely lockable door feels as if it is on the opposite side of the continent.

In the dark of the night Jaskier makes out the creature stopping, as if it can hear his pounding heart, and then Jaskier breaks into a cold sweat as whatever it is heads directly toward him, eyes reflecting unnaturally in the weak light of the lanterns.

Jaskier stumbles to his feet, clutching his lute in one hand and drawing his silver dagger with the other. A gift from Geralt he’s worn for the better part of twenty years now, having been taught to use it after a life on the road.

“Stay back.” Jaskier says in as clear a voice as he can manage, brandishing the dagger. “I’m armed with silver and I have no interest in a fight tonight. Take yourself elsewhere.”

The figure stops, hands held up. “Jaskier, it’s me.” Says an all too familiar voice.

Jaskier feels a raw place inside of him ache as Geralt cautiously edges a bit closer, enough to be illuminated by the light of a lantern.

Jaskier’s hand trembles on the dagger, and then he sheaths it. He turns and walks away without a word, feeling a clawing sense of deja vu as he walks toward his inn.

“Jaskier, please.” Geralt’s voice says, and of course the Witcher keeps up easily, walking by his side as Jaskier refuses to look at him.

After three weeks of bleeding he just doesn’t have anything left to give. He is drained, he can’t even look at Geralt.

“Jaskier-”

He jerks as he feels a hand close on his wrist. He feels tears start to prick in his eyes as he yanks his arm away, turning to look Geralt square in the face.

“Why are you here?” Jaskier demands, his voice nearly a snarl as he looks up at the witcher. “What do you want, Geralt?”

Geralt stops, looking stung. Good, as he should. The brute probably hasn’t even given what he did a second thought the whole time Jaskier’s felt like dying.

“You shouldn’t be out here alone.” Geralt says, sounding gruff and oddly off balance.

“Go back to whatever contract it is you’re working and leave me alone.” Jaskier snaps, struggling to keep down the hot tears he can feel rising. “I left, just like you wanted, alright? Now go.”

“I didn’t...I...” Geralt struggles for words, huffing in frustration as he rubs his face. 

Jaskier can’t tell for sure in the dim light but he thinks he sees dark circles under the witcher’s eyes, as if he hasn’t been sleeping. He’s...never seen Geralt look this worn out before...

He swallows, trying his best to push away the concern rising in him as he starts to notice signs of distress all over Geralt. Bags under his eyes, his hair loose and unbrushed, armor dusty with hard travel but clean of the viscera that would mean he’d been getting work. Things that perhaps only Jaskier would notice.

“You didn’t what?” Jaskier asks, hating himself for still caring enough to be worried, his voice losing a bit of its heat.

“I didn’t...mean it.” Geralt says, his voice sounding a little hoarse as he gets the words out.

“Didn’t mean what?” Jaskier demands, folding his arms as tightly as he can, as if that will shield him from this distressed witcher who has tracked him down in the middle of the night. Who doesn’t look at all like he’s working a contract. Who looks as tired as Jaskier has felt for weeks.

“What I said.” Geralt says, swallowing as he looks away, as if unable to meet Jaskier’s gaze. “On the mountain. I was angry. I was unfair to you.”

Jaskier feels stunned, unable to say anything.

Geralt...is apologizing.

“I know I’m a terrible companion-” Geralt says, continuing in the silence.

“You are.” Jaskier says, his voice higher than it should be.

“But...everything feels wrong without you.” Geralt looks up, catching Jaskier’s gaze with his steady golden amber eyes. “I’m not good at this. I’m not good at words like you are Jaskier. But I’m sorry, I didn’t mean what I said.”

Geralt looks like he is biting the inside of his cheek, as if he’s scared. Jaskier has seen Geralt upset, uneasy, surprised, hesitant, even startled. But never scared, and he finds it scares him.

“I...” Geralt swallows, looking like he is bracing himself for something painful. “I need you Jaskier. And I know that I’ve made things so difficult, and I know that you have no reason to forgive me, but I don’t think I can pretend anymore that I...that I don’t care for you. Even if that means you might be in harm’s way. Because you’ve been by my side for decades, and I don’t want to continue without you.”

Jaskier feels as if the ground has dropped out from under his feet, as if he’s been slammed back against the wall behind him. His head is an overwhelming mess of fragmented thoughts and emotions, because what on earth is happening?

He presses a hand tight against his mouth as he turns away from Geralt, unable to handle his gaze a moment longer as he tries desperately to think, to pull together some of those words he’s so well known for. He can do this, he can come up with some scrappy, witty reply. He can shrug all of this off with a joke that will clear everything up and they’ll be on their way again.

Just like he has for the past twenty two years now.

But instead Jaskier’s chest shudders and he feels hot tears spill down his cheeks as he begins to cry. His shoulders tremble as he tries to stifle the emotion down behind the hand he has painfully tight against his mouth, his other arm still held against himself as if it could hold him together.

Because he’d thought he’d been bleeding for three weeks, in a way no one else could see, but suddenly he thinks perhaps he’s been bleeding for far longer than that...that perhaps he’s been bleeding for years. And he suddenly doesn’t know if that’s something he can go back to. Because Geralt says that he cares for him, which Jaskier knows for this vocabulary sparse witcher means love.

And if Geralt loves him, can Jaskier really chance losing himself entirely should things go wrong again? Because if he forgives Geralt this time, if he allows himself to want the witcher this time, Geralt will have all of him. Jaskier won’t be able to hold back, he knows it, he won’t be able to keep the vulnerable parts of himself safe anymore.

And that scares him more than he’s ever been scared in his life.

He braces his free hand against the wall as he shakes. It feels as if some secret part of him, some reservoir of extra years of sadness and longing and hurt he hadn’t known about have come loose, flooding him with an overwhelming wave of unexpected emotion. But where is it coming from? He wildly wonders if perhaps he is dying. Because this is what he imagines dying would feel like.

“Julian. I’m sorry.” Geralt says, his voice full of so much pain and concern that it makes Jaskier cry harder. He feels the faintest pressure ghost over his shoulder, as if Geralt had nearly reached out for him but then pulled back. “Do you want me to go? I’ll leave if you want me to. I’m sorry, I don’t, I didn’t mean....”

“Don’t!” Jaskier says, the word coming out in a teary panic. “Don’t leave.”

Because as much as he wants all of this to somehow disappear, even if he can’t bring himself to turn around just yet, the one thing he knows that will not be able to stand is if Geralt leaves him like this.

He bites his lip hard as he feels warm, hesitant hands on his arms. And then Geralt pulls him against him in a tight hug, arms wrapped around Jaskier’s chest protectively. Jaskier leans back against him, holding onto Geralt’s arms like a lifeline, fighting to get his breathing under control as the physical contact anchors him, somehow making everything seem less like it’s spinning out from under him. Geralt has never held Jaskier like this, but it still somehow feels familiar, it feels safe and right and has Jaskier wishing it could always like this.

“I’m sorry.” Geralt says again quietly, his voice right next to Jaskier’s ear. “I just don’t want to lose you.”

“I don’t want to lose you either,” Jaskier says, his breath finally under control. He feels a cool breeze sweep past them. “But it’s so hard to keep this up Geralt, I can’t stand only remembering how much I really love you when we’re asleep, when we’re waking it’s like-”

Jaskier’s breath catches as the same instant that Geralt’s does, memories of a wildflower field rushing through him. Years of friendship and love and trust revealing themselves like a flower unfurling. His fingers dig into Geralt’s arm in shock as the witcher’s embrace tightens almost painfully, because of course if Jaskier is remembering, they both are.

“W-we’re awake.” Jaskier chokes. He turns in Geralt’s arms, looking up at him. “We’re awake.”

“We’re awake.” Geralt says, his voice thin with shocked wonder.

“We’re awake!” Jaskier cries, throwing his arms around Geralt’s neck as his tears begin anew. But this time he is laughing through them as Geralt crowds him up against the wall, kissing him hard and desperate.

“I haven’t slept in a week.” Geralt says between kisses, his voice raw with emotion as his hands roam Jaskier’s body, as if checking to make sure it’s really him. “I thought I’d lost you, the field, it’s all ripped up, I didn’t know where you’d gone.”

“I’m sorry.” Jaskier gasps, carding his fingers through Geralt’s white hair even as he pulls him closer. “I’m sorry Geralt, I was so hurt and angry, I couldn’t stand it anymore when I didn’t think you cared anymore. But you’re here, we’re both here and we’re awake and we remember. You really want me with you then? If we both remember?”

“I’ve always wanted you with me little lark, I just took too long to realize it.” Geralt says, burying his face against Jaskier’s neck and breathing in his scent.

“I can’t believe we aren’t trapped in that wretched field anymore.” Jaskier says giddily, nuzzling against Geralt’s temple as he runs his hands down the witcher’s sides, just because he can. “We can get something to eat together, we can see a sunset, we can sleep in a bed, we can be around other people.” His eyes light up. “I have my lute! I can play you songs instead of only singing!”

“We’ve already done all of those things.” Geralt says with a fond smile, kissing stray tears off of Jaskier’s face.

“But now we can really do them. Together. Because we’re finally both here.” Jaskier says, taking Geralt’s face in his hands and kissing him softly.

“I’m sorry it took me so long.” Geralt says, eyes closed as he rests his forehead against Jaskier’s. “I’m sorry I hurt you, little lark.”

“Hush. No more apologizing.” Jaskier says, stroking his thumb against Geralt’s cheek, his heart flutters as the witcher leans into his touch. “This is all I’ve ever wanted, you’ve already given me the best proof you can that you really mean it.”

“What do we even do now?” Geralt says with a chuckle, shaking his head a bit with a smile. “We won’t fade away in less than an hour, what do people even do with so much time together?”

Jaskier smiles as the witcher’s last last words are drowned in an enormous yawn. He wraps his arms around Geralt’s neck, gently kissing down the side of his throat.

“First you are going to carry me back to the inn and we are going to sleep until tomorrow evening because you look ready to fall over, darling.” Jaskier says softly. “And when we wake up we’ll still be together, and we will still remember we are together.”

“Mmmm.” Geralt hums appreciatively, hoisting Jaskier up into his arms with little effort. “And then?”

“I’m sure we’ll think of something to occupy ourselves.” Jaskier says, resting a hand on Geralt’s chest and leaning up to bite at his lower lip. “I’ve got some very time consuming ideas we can try. I have the room paid for through the end of the week, fresh heartbreak sells very well you know.”

“I’ll make it up to you, I promise.” Geralt says soberly, holding him closer as he begins to walk toward the inn.

“You already have.” Jaskier says softly, resting his head against Geralt’s shoulder.

There are so many things that must still be discussed, how this changes things. But Jaskier can’t find himself quite caring at the moment, instead closing his eyes he basks in the warm feeling.

Because he feels that he is home. A home that he will finally never have to leave again.  

[angellesword]

YOUR EYES TELL | JJK (11)

Summary: You live in a world where people see in black and white. The solution to finally see the colors? It’s simple. You need to meet your soulmate and look at him in the eyes, but what if the person bound to you is already contented with the monochromatic world? What if…Jeongguk, your soulmate, is already in love with someone else?

Alternatively:

“A future without you is a world without color.”

Genre: soulmate au, e2l, slow burn, ANGST, fluff, roommate au

Pairing: Artist!Jungkook x Lawyer!Reader

Word Count: 2.2k

SERIES:  CHAPTER 10 | CHAPTER 12

"You don't have to pay me, Guk."

 Jeongguk shook his head instantly. Yoongi was being absurd. How could he not pay his older friend?

 "I know you have the money, but I can't just take ten thousand dollars from you, hyung." The younger boy pouted his lips.

Yoongi should know by now that Jeongguk hated owing people something.

 Debt of gratitude sucked. It couldn't be paid. Ever. Jeongguk didn't want that. He hated sleeping at night thinking that someone out there could manipulate his feelings—this was how he perceived debt of gratitude: a manipulation. It was because he felt like he was bound please the person who helped him. It was as though he needed to act in accordance to the likes of said person.

 "Fine." Yoongi shrugged his shoulders as if he didn't care about any of this. "Pay me whenever you want,"

 Jeongguk snorted as your voice echoed inside his head. If you were here, you would tell Yoongi that he couldn't just tell his debtor to pay him whenever he wanted. This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

 Civil obligations like this one was only enforceable for ten years. If Jeongguk couldn't pay within the said period, the obligation would then become a natural one—something that would only be paid out of conscience.

 Jeongguk shook his head. Why was he thinking about the stupid law? Why couldn't he stop imagining your pretty smile as you talked about certain provisions? Why was he hesitating to accept his hyung's money?

 And most importantly, why didn't he want to leave you now?

 Your soulmate loaned thousands of dollars from Yoongi just so he could pay the down payment for the apartment that he wanted buy. He promised himself that he would terminate the lease of contract with you after four months. He just couldn't live with you anymore.

 You were supposed to be temporary in his life; however, with the way you were invading his mind even though you weren't around, Jeongguk realized that you were his constant.

 You were the only person who could tolerate his bratty attitude. You were the only person who couldn't get mad at him. You were the only person who made him feel special and needy—Jeon Jeongguk needed your attention so much that he felt like had to run.

 He didn't know when it started, especially because he believed he was not over Red yet.

 Red.

 Was Red the reason why Jeongguk wanted to leave you?

 This was what you thought while clutching the paper on your chest.

 It hurt, but as usual you had to pretend like you were okay.

 "Your parents are back in their hotel," said by Jeongguk the moment he entered your apartment.

 He was back from the thirty-minute drive.

 Your parents were scheduled to fly to Jeju Island tomorrow morning.

 "That's good." You discreetly wiped your tears away, trying so hard to make your tone sound enthusiastic. 

 Your back was facing him since you were afraid to let him see you crying.

 You didn't want to pester Jeongguk regarding his plan to leave. You felt like he wouldn't appreciate the drama you would obviously bring.

  Jeongguk didn't deserve drama—not when it was clear that he was exhausted. He took care of you these past weeks. The only thing you could do was to give him a damn break even if it meant sleepless night as questions like 'why am I not enough?' clouded your mind.

 "Thanks, Jeongguk. Goodnight!" You hastily added, refusing to look at him as you made your way to your room.

 "Wait," he stopped you like the way he did earlier today. This time, however, he stopped you by breaking your heart even more.

 "C-Can I sleep in your room tonight?" Jeongguk swallowed the lump in his throat; his heart was beating so fast.

 You flinched.

 How dare he ask something so insensitive?

 "Why?" Your lips trembled as you finally found the courage to look at him. It was a wrong move, though. You couldn't do it. You couldn't look at him without tears filling your eyes.

 Looking at Jeon Jeongguk made you realize what you could never have: him.

 You were grateful he's averting your gaze. Jeongguk couldn't meet your eyes as well. He was embarrassed and afraid. What if you rejected him? He didn't have any reason to cuddle with you tonight. Jimin was right. Your parents were the solution to help you get back on your feet. It was as though they had some kind of power. You didn't look like you needed your soulmate to make you feel better anymore. 

 You were back to your old self.

 Sadly Jeongguk had no idea that you were just pretending. He didn't know that you were forced to be okay once again. He wasn't even aware that he was one of the reasons why you're acting like everything was fine.

 "I just want to make sure you're alright," his voice was barely audible.

 Jeon Jeongguk was a liar. The truth was you weren't the only one getting used to cuddling with each other. Jeongguk was also craving to embrace you—to listen to your controlled breathing and raging heartbeat.

 "Really?" You suddenly huffed, causing Jeongguk to flick his gaze at you.

 Your soulmate was a good liar, you were not.

 There's a point where pain was too much to handle.

 Jeongguk was staring at you with puzzled expression. His mouth went agape upon seeing the tears streaming down your face.

 "You want to make sure I'm okay so you can finally leave?"

 "What?" He furrowed his brow, clearly not understanding the words you just said. How could he focus on anything when all he could see was your tears?

 Jeongguk wanted to wipe your stupid tears, but you weren't letting him.

 You took three steps backwards when he tried to reach for your face.

 Anger, frustration, and pain. All of these are visible in your eyes. Your thoughts were poisoning your mind—making you imagine what you thought Jeongguk felt.

 "You...called my parents b'cause you're t-tired of me, right?" You slurred.

 You wanted to run to your room since you knew you couldn't stop speaking your thoughts anymore. This wasn't right. You told yourself you weren't going to make this hard for your soulmate, so why couldn't he do the same thing for you?

 Why was he cornering you? Why couldn't he just go away? 

 And why couldn't you stop the venom in your words?

 "You don't want to deal with me anymore. You want to leave but you're guilty. You feel like you are responsible for my pain," this must be it. You kept thinking what triggered his sudden change of behavior. It couldn't be because he finally realized that he liked you too.

 No. That couldn't be right. The only plausible explanation for this was because of the guilt he felt. He only started to act like he cared when you told him that he hurt you too.

 "That's not true..." But Jeongguk was quick to dismiss the negative thoughts inside your head.

 You inhaled deeply. Fresh tears stained your cheeks.

 "What's the truth, then?" You picked up the paper that would prove his intention to leave.

 It was too late to stop now. You were already acting pathetic in front of him. 

 "Why didn't you tell me you bought an apartment?" You continued to ask despite knowing the reason.

 You didn't. You were imagining things. What you think was different from what Jeongguk felt. Admittedly, his eyes widened. He wasn't expecting you to confront him about this. Hell. You weren't even supposed to find out this way.

 Jeongguk was planning to simply sign the contract to terminate your lease agreement with him, leave your apartment in the middle of the night and never come back.

 Guess he couldn't do it now, huh?

 "I-I," he trailed off instantly. How could he explain this to you when he himself didn't know why he wanted to leave?

 Jeongguk wished it was easy to face his emotions. He identified them, but he still didn't know what to do—not even after spending weeks cuddling with you.

 He needed to be alone, he needed to figure out what he felt and what this all meant to him on his own.

 "Is it me, Gukkie?" You sobbed and your soulmate's heart clenched.

 Your back was against the wall, Jeongguk was standing so close to you to the point that he could literally see the tears forming in your eyes.

 It broke him more.

 "Did I cross the line? Am I being too pushy? Annoying? Hard do deal with?"

 Jeongguk could only bite his bottom lip.

 You proceeded to list the things your former maids despised about you.

 "Is Miri too much too handle? Am I picky with the food? Is it hard to wake me up in the morning?"

 Jeongguk avoided your eyes, his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down.

 You noticed that he couldn't speak. Why? Was it difficult to admit the truth?

 "Or am I not buying you enough things?"

 The conflicted boy shook his head vigorously. You did not understand anything.

 "Do you need a new laptop? New clothes? Art materials?" You sounded so desperate. "Tell me, Gukkie. I'll do anything you want."

 "I don't need you to do anything." He said coldly as he moved away from you.

 Pain attacked your chest when you saw indifference dancing in his face.

 "You're still leaving me?" You quivered in fear. You were really pathetic. You said to yourself that you wanted him to go away, but the thought of him actually leaving made your stomach turn upside down.

 "Yes."

 It felt like an arrow shot you in the heart.

 How could he not stutter? Was he really decided to leave you?

 Jeongguk saw how his answer affected you, so he immediately defended himself.

 "I mean it's about right. I told you I'm gonna stay here for a few months. It's over now. I don't want to be your tenant anymore."

 "But why!" You whined. This wasn't fair! How could he decide without consulting you first? This was a reciprocal obligation. You deserved to know his reasons.

 Jeongguk scowled. He wanted to leave now. It was getting unbearable to see you cry—it was as though his chest was going to explode.

 "Do I really need a reason?" His frown deepened. "Can't I just leave because I don't want to be with you anymore?" A lie.

 "You're lying." You refused to believe him even if you knew he was telling the truth. This wasn't you. You weren't like this. It was unlike of you to keep pushing Jeongguk. You teased him all the time, but you didn't mean to make him uncomfortable. His happiness was your top priority.

 You swore you just wanted to know the truth. You deserved a reasonable explanation. He couldn't just say he didn't want to be with you. If he couldn't love you, then he should at least be able to respect you like a normal person.

 "Why would I lie—"

 "Because I'm your soulmate!" You cut him off. Your emotions were overflowing.

 Why couldn't you just let him go?

 "And I love you, Jeongguk." You cried. The table had turned. Just a few breaths ago, he was the one begging to touch you. Right now, however, it was you who was desperately trying to latch on him.

 Jeongguk pushed your hand away. He couldn't have you touching him. It would only make it harder for him to leave.

 "I love you so please don't leave me—"

 "You don't." He cut you off, flinching so hard because of how much he hated your confession. He felt like he was gonna puke.

 "I do, Guk. I love you—"

 "No!" Jeongguk insisted otherwise. He was being stubborn and it was irritating you.

 Who did he think he was to tell you what you felt?

 "You don't love me, okay!? You are wrong in all of this!" He took a step back. He was acting as if your touch was going to burn him.

 "You are delusional. Too caught up with the idea of soulmate that you failed to see the truth!"

 Jeongguk was shaking in frustration. He hated that he had to be mean just to make you understand things—similar to what Red did.

 "I can see the truth! I know the truth!" You carried on.

 He was the one being blinded here, not you.

 "You're just ignoring the signs, Jeongguk. The universe wants us to be together!"

 This wasn't a coincidence. You couldn't be wrong—not when he could see colors because of the love you felt for him.

 But he used this against you.

 "I am not your soulmate." His jaw clenched. "Your eyes can tell."

 You stopped breathing.

 "Your eyes tell." He repeated.

 Your mouth felt dry.

 It felt like you had been stabbed straight in the heart.

 If he was your soulmate, if he ever loved you—or cared, you would see colors by now.

 But no.

 You still see in black and white.

 Your eyes would not lie because Jeon Jeongguk was right....

 Your Eyes Tell.

[waiting4inspiration]

In the Dark XVI: Plans

Summary: You get back to the compound, explain things to Steve, and tell him what you’re plan is to end the war. Nat goes to Bucky’s coven to look for him. 

Warnings: angstish, fluff, strong language, mentions of arranged marriage, vampire/werewolf au, soulmate au, mentions of a war

Word Count: 2,224

In the Dark Masterlist II Marvel Masterlist

“I told Steve the truth. Come home, the pack needs an explanation.”

That was Nat’s message. And though you only saw it hours after you had received it, it got you out the door as quickly as when you left the compound. At least you left with a smile on your face and confidence about your plan. Bucky didn’t expect you to be this excited about knowing that Steve now knows the truth. But before you walked out the door, you told him that this is it, kissed him passionately, and ran down the hall with a happy squeal in your voice, making the vampire laugh. 

The pack thinks you’re walking back into the compound in confidence because you’re ready to be the alpha. But that’s not the reason for your confidence. You’re walking in confidence because in your mind if Steve was upset about bonding with Bucky, he would have hunted you down by now. You know he has the capabilities to do it. 

And though you expect him to have a furious look on his face when you meet, he doesn’t. You’re not sure what the look is, but it’s not the kind you thought he would have. 

Nat stands beside him, a small smile on her face to know that you’re back home safe and sound. And now that you’re out of the packs’ ear and alone with Nat and Steve, and Sam apparently, you’re ready to start telling them the truth. 

But before you can open your mouth to start your speech you had been planning on the ride back, Steve holds up his hand to stop you. “Just...put up your hair,” he says, trying not to come off as being angry, but his rough tone shocks you a bit. 

Knowing that he wants to see the mark on your neck, you do as he says and exposes the scarred vampire bonding mark on your skin. “So, soulmates do exist,” Sam states as he walks closer. 

You look up at Steve as he takes a step closer, his eyes moving from the mark on your neck to the locket. And he still doesn’t seem to get angry by all of this. “You’re taking this extremely well,” you whisper, making his eyes shift up to meet yours and he finds that you’re slightly concerned about that fact. 

His smile, however, seems to reassure you a bit more. “I know Bucky. And even though he’s a vampire and things didn’t end well between me and him, I know he’s a good guy,” Steve mentions, reaching out to rest his hands on your shoulders. “And, I have a feeling that after everything he’s been through, he deserves someone like you.”

You smile at his words and nod your head in thanks to him before glancing down to your wrist that still has the bracelet he gave to you. Slowly unclipping it, you bite your lower lip and hand it back to him when he follows your gaze. “Thank you for understanding, Steve,” you whisper, smiling at him as he takes the bracelet and looks up at you again. 

“So, what’s your plan now, soulmate?” Nat questions, making you and Steve step away from each other. 

Looking up to Steve when he turns his head back down to you, you take in a deep breath and run your tongue over your lips. “I need to know that no matter what, you will support me and my decision,” you speak, needing reassurance that you have another werewolf pack by your side.

“Why? What are you planning?” Sam asks as he steps forward again. 

“I want to show everyone that vampires and werewolves can be in one place without biting each other’s heads off,” you sternly state and you turn to face him. Sam stares down at you, folds his arms over his chest and shifts on his feet, waiting for you to carry on. “I want everyone to know the truth about how this war started. I want to prove that our urge to kill vampires and their urge to kill us is all based on false stories and that we can live together in peace, find out what each species wants and set up treaties that actually work,” you carry on, looking between the three werewolves in the room with you. “I want each species to be treated equally.”

Sam, Nat, and Steve glance between each other as smiles grow on their faces. “And what are you going to do about those that disagree with you?” Steve questions. 

You smile back at him, a determined glint flickering through your eyes as blink makes him smile even more. “Prove them that I’m right. We won’t be working alone. Everything will be done with vampires. Every meeting will have as many vampires in the room as there are werewolves,” you explain, your words making Nat nod in agreement and think to herself that it’s a good plan. “Those that disagree, I’ll prove them wrong with Bucky at my side.”

“It’s gonna be a lot to explain to Tony when he wakes up,” Nat mentions, and your smile immediately drops. 

You should go see him. None of this would have happened, none of this ‘planning to end an age-long war’ would be happening now if he hadn’t been attacked after going for the rogue nest of vampires. You don’t know if you should be grateful about that, or saddened. Still, you should go see him. 

Steve knows the look in your eye and smiles as he places his hand on your shoulder. “I’ll take you to see him, if you want.” To that, you nod up at him and turn towards the door.

Nat smiles to herself, proud at how well you’re handling things and taking control. But, she knows that you can’t do this alone. Even though you have her support, as well and Steve’s, you’re going to need more than that.

You need your mate, now than ever before. And she’s going to make sure you get just that. 

Sitting on the bed beside Tony, you bite your lower lip as your eyes glance over the bruising on his face. You remember what it was like, having vampire venom in your system. You’re just glad that your father is stable now after having the venom sucked out of his body. But you don’t want to imagine what he could be experiencing now in this coma. What dreams he could be having.

“When you were bitten the other day, in the park. Why weren’t you affected by the venom?” Steve questions, stepping closer to you as you break your stare on Tony’s face and drop your head between your shoulders. 

That’s a question you have yet to find the answer to. 

With a sigh, you shake your head and slowly look towards him. “My best guess is that because they were newly turned vampires, they didn’t know how to inject venom into a victim,” you state and it seems like the most plausible answer. 

But Steve can see that you have another guess. “But sometimes I think that maybe being a vampire’s soulmate changed that.”

“You think you’re immune to vampire venom now?” he asks, making you shrug your shoulders and glance back down to Tony. 

“It’s not as complicated as you think,” a voice says from the door of the room, causing yours and Steve’s heads to snap to the side to see who it is. 

Steven Strange walks into the room, a comforting smile on his face to you as you stand from the bed and face him. He glances down to Tony for a moment before looking back up to you and Steve. “You were bitten by a vampire who was turned a week ago. They still have a lot to learn. You were lucky,” Strange mentions, confirming your suspensions and informing you that you’re not immune to vampire venom. Just that of your soulmate. “And it seems that your luck has carried on. That you’re now planning to end this war,” he adds, looking over to Steve to check if he supports your decision. 

You both nod after looking at each other. “It’s going to be tough. I don’t think a lot of werewolf packs or even members of our own are going to like the idea of working with vampires,” Steve mentions, folding his arms over his chest as he keeps his stare on Strange. 

“You might be wrong,” Strange says back, perking your interest and making you take a small step forward. “You werewolves believe a lot in connection like mates. It’s important, a way of life for you, right?” You and Steve nod to that. Mates have a deep connection with each other, which is why it’s rare for mates to split up. “And the vampires want this war to end as much as the next person does. They’re tired of being portrayed as the monsters and if that can end, then they’ll be on any side that will end this war. So, it’s not as complicated as you think.”

“There are some vampires that won’t side with us because we are werewolves. And what about the urge to kill that we all feel for the opposite side?” Steve questions, looking between you and Strange, seeing as how one of you seems to always have an answer. “Asking them to try and push those instincts aside isn’t going to work.” 

You know he’s right. It was stupid of you to think that you could ask that werewolves and vampires. You thought it might work and you have yet to test it out, but you do need a back-up plan if it doesn’t work. 

“You might be surprised. But, you might want to wait until Full Moon is over before putting these plans into action,” Strange suggests. 

Full Moon? So soon? You’re amazed at how quickly time seems to have gone. But you know that Strange is right. Trying to carry out these plans when nerves and emotions are riling up because every werewolf is getting ready to transform won’t be a good idea. 

It would probably be a good idea for you to spend Full Moon with your pack, now that you are the alpha, but you’re worried that your wolf won’t allow that to happen. Perhaps if Bucky can be here…

No, that’s a terrible idea. Having a vampire in a compound full of transformed werewolves would be like putting Bucky on death row. 

You’ll figure something out. You have to. 

To say that Nat is nervous about walking into a coven of vampires is an understatement. She can feel her instincts rising with each step she takes. She has no idea what she’s going to do when she comes across one vampire, or what they’ll even do. But, she’s ready. 

The doors swing open, making Nat stop in her tracks so she doesn’t give the impression that she’s here to cause any harm. And when she sees Bucky in front of the group of vampires, she breathes out a relieved sigh and wipes her sweaty palms on her pants as she fights back her instincts. 

In her mind, she keeps chanting to herself ‘Don’t attack, don’t attack, don’t attack’, but she can’t help the fact that her eyes flicker a golden color just like Bucky and his company behind him can’t help the red glow that fills their eyes and the fangs that poke out slightly from their lips. 

Bucky holds his hand up to stop the others behind him from following as he carries on to near Nat. She’s a bit relieved at that. Talking to one vampire is easier than talking to four. 

“What are you doing here?” Bucky asks when he reaches Nat. Respecting his boundaries, he keeps a good amount of distance between him and the werewolf in front of him. “Is (Y/n) okay?” he questions, thinking that’s the only reason she must be here, that something bad has happened to you and she has to break the news to him. 

Nat smiles at him and shakes her head “She’s fine. More than fine, actually. She’s determined to get this plan to end the war going,” she says with a chuckle in her voice. And Bucky laughs with her as he nods his head. Nat doesn’t feel a threat anymore, not even with the vampires behind Bucky, so her shoulders relax. She didn’t even realize she was tense. “She’s going to speak to the pack tonight. I think she needs you there with her.”

Those words make Bucky’s head snap up and his smile falls. “You think it’s a good idea for a vampire to walk into a pack of werewolves just like that? How do I know this isn’t a trap?”

“I’m doing this for (Y/n),” Nat snaps at him, making the female vampire behind him shift on her feet. Nat can see that she wants to hiss, but won’t unless her leader does. “I give you my word that you will walk out in one piece,” she mentions, pulling her eyes away from the group behind Bucky to look at him again. 

He thinks about it for a moment, glances over his shoulder to Wanda, and sighs. How can he say no to this if you need him?

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[coldtomyflash]

Thank you for answering ! I did finish the fic and chapter 3 does a great job of establishing Snart's history with his soulmark, but it's also specific to that fic ? Like it's an explanation for how he came to feel that way about his soulmate in the context on that particular fic, I was wondering more about what it was about their canon characterization that made you decide this was how they both would react to finding out they were soulmates in the first place.

hmmm i didn’t come at it that way and i think therein lies the disconnect with what you’re asking and how i’m able to answer.

i didn’t start with “what would barry be like if he met his soulmate” or “what would len do if he met his soulmate” in a way that started from canon and then extended to a new setting.

i mean i sort of did, in that i went “what if they were soulmates” then went “len is a dramatic ho who would think that bank robberies and heists are the right way to woo his beloved and barry would be progressively more annoyed with this bullshit” then went “oh nevermind let’s take that idea but make it angst” 

but in many ways i couldn’t start perfectly linearly from canon because i was started in a world that exists just to the left of canon. the way soulmates are setup in that world makes everything just sightly different, and i had to take that into consideration.

so while i started with “haha what if len was a total brat” (much like i always start with tbh), the crux of the story’s starting point was the shape of the soulmate bond, the bleed. i’m a hopeless romantic who loves the idea of soulmates but i get stuck on worldbuilding details. soulmate AUs with the “first words” or “see in colour when you meet your mate” really leave me wanting more because -- what the heck would society even look like if that were the case and what are the millions of ways it would be different? 

so the bleed was baked in from the beginning, from before the beginning, half because there was a post that went around about “what if barry and len accidentally got psychically bonded thanks to a meta”. so psychic bonds and soulmates, that’s the setup.

then i dropped barry and len into that setup -- into that alternate universe i’d made with all its societal backdrop. and i knew i was writing for angst, and i knew i wanted it to be messy and complicated. i wish i could say that i sat down and was like “okay so if barry were soulmates with len here’s how he’d react” but i didn’t. instead i sat down and said “i’m making a story where barry and len are going to be bonded with an emotional bleed and they’re going to be soulmates and it’s going to cause problems.” and i implicitly knew i wanted to explore themes related to separation, expectation, and identity navigation.

so why was barry the one who pulled away, and len the one who wanted to bond? in part because it just seemed a lot more interesting to me, and i’d already written stories where barry is the one who is “all in” and len is the one who is reluctant to commit. 

i also felt it very true to len’s character from a “i’m a thief” standpoint that he’d be a bit greedy/possessive over someone who the universe has literally said is supposed to be his, in part due to his past and how much he keeps people at arm’s length (but how obviously he thaws for the people he does let close). len might not want to open up or commit or be emotionally vulnerable under normal circumstances, but this is a sort of ‘sure thing’ in his mind, at least at the outset before that faith is shaken. 

barry though - barry was tricky, actually. i did have to figure out that if the central romantic conflict was going to be him pulling away -- why? 

if he was on board with it quite then it would be a much shorter story. i knew he would plausibly balk at being soulmates with len at the outset, but barry is a forgiving and kind person, so realistically how/why might he pull away?

so of course they bonded in/under terrible circumstances. that was like - step 1. otherwise, if len had been like “oh should we bond” and barry agreed, then there would be a lot of cognitive dissonance involved that would make barry retroactively justify his agreement to bond by interpreting it as being because he wants to be close to len. so i had to take barry’s choice away, and then realistically i think he’d react negatively because that’s overwhelming and the whole thing was a mess and very confronting.

but i also -

there’s this line from season 1 when he first asks Len for help, right before he goes to the bar. the thing that gives barry the idea to ask len, when he’s talking to joe at the precinct. “we only break the rules to help people”

it tells you so much about how barry sees the world. so. much. i could unpack that for days. and it’s wild that he immediately thinks about len as a result of breaking the rules for somewhat noble reasons???? just - what???

but barry sees himself as the good guy. it’s fundamental to his worldview in this really really huge way. and what we know about self-concept is that very close others become enmeshed/embedded into our self-concept: our partners literally become included in how we see ourselves.

if you see yourself as the good guy, and that is fundamental to your identity and worldview and necessary for you to be psychologically healthy because you’ve made it a cornerstone of your self-concept.... how the hell do you respond when a giant fucking grenade lands right in the middle of that self-perception and says “actually part of your self-concept now involves kidnapping, tormenting, and torturing your friends, also killing a dude just to test the cold-gun, also a lifetime of theft and murder, also betrayal can’t forget that sweet sting of betrayal.”

barry coming to len over time in his own way is one thing. barry having len bond with him as a soulmate out of the blue is about the biggest psychological threat possible. it’s threatening his sense of self, his worldview, the structure of his self-concept, his expectations for himself (which are too damn high, he has to save everyone, he ‘has to try’) and leads him to believe that others he loves will be disappointed in him or reject him for this because len has hurt them, and because barry is disappointed in himself for wanted to connect with len, with his soulmate, despite all the harm he’s caused.

as soon as that clicked for me, as soon as i put it in context of barry’s self-concept, everything kind of flowed from there really really easily.

i was overly ambitious in writing that out though i think because most people, barry included, don’t introspect a lot about the structure of their self-concept, and don’t have the language related to social psychology to articulate what it means to be psychologically threatened. so he doesn’t really understand his own reactions and why they’re so visceral, and when he does he’s lying to himself about how much of it is coming from the fact that he wants len and wants to be with len but he’s upset with himself for how deep he wants that because the absolutely massive guilt he experiences because of it.

aaaand all that brings me to pointing out that the obvious resolution there is having barry’s loved ones find out about len and accept len as part of barry’s life and show that these people aren’t rejecting barry for being with len. if/when that’s the case, barry is able to more authentically work through all this shit. but because of how they bonded and how goddamn secretive his is (canonically) about personal shit, he decided to hide his bond with len, which meant he wasn’t able to deal with literally any of this during the first several chapters and all of it compounded and magnified until it reached it’s first breaking point.

whew - okay that was a wall of text sorry not sorry i hope this helps answer your question but it probably just complicated things a lot.

[mustlovemustypages]

Yuletide 2020 Letter

Dear potential writer,

I truly hope all is well with you and yours. No matter what state you find yourself in, my wish is that Yuletide boosts your spirits and gives you the extra jolt we all could use to usher in the new year. 

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter and thank you in advance if you decide to write anything for me!

Below are my desired fandoms and pairings along with story ideas that I would love to see written. Please don’t feel stifled by my prompts; I’ve also listed my general likes and dislikes at the very bottom of this letter if you decide to go a different route.

Little Women (2019):

Characters: Amy March and Theodore “Laurie” Laurence”

The main reason I adore this adaptation is because it made me see why Amy and Laurie ended up together. They had very similar worldviews and fit so well what the other needed. Both deserved to be with someone that valued them for who they are. With Laurie, Amy was not just financially secure but with someone who encouraged her to express herself creatively, politically, or however she chose. With Amy, while she grounded Laurie in reality and challenged him to be the best version of himself, he didn't have to fundamentally change to make her happy.

Story ideas:

These quotes really show how Amy's perspective on life was different than her sister's: "You are your family's hope." (Aunt March) "I’ve always known I would marry rich." (Amy March) That's a lot of pressure on someone so young. We heard some of Laurie's thoughts, mostly that he didn't think Amy should feel ashamed for wanting that. How would some of that pressure continue even after she got married, and what would Laurie say to make her realize they were in life together as a team and she didn’t have to suffer the weight of the world alone?

The conversation between Amy and Laurie in the painting studio showed just how level-headed and intelligent she was. Laurie, while not wholly agreeing, was respectful and didn't discount her thoughts. It would be interesting to see the impact on their story if Vaughn hadn't arrived, and this had played out more. Would the proposal have happened earlier and/or how would later scenes be altered as a result of further conversation?

What did the other characters think of Amy and Laurie's relationship, and how did it change after seeing them interact more as a couple? It would be interesting to read about Meg, Marmee, John, or some of the other characters realizing they were genuinely a good match for each other.

Post-canon, I'd love to get a glimpse of what kinds of conversations they had. Did Amy encourage Laurie to pursue a career and find what he was passionate about (music perhaps as Laurie mentioned writing an opera)? And similarly, did Laurie encourage Amy to pursue her art? Did they continue to have in-depth conversations about societal pressures and expectations of gender in certain economic classes?

Tenet:

Characters: The Protagonist, Kat, and Neil

Tenet is the first movie I've seen in theaters since Star Wars IX. There have been some mixed reviews, but my love for Christopher Nolan sci-fi films combined with the experience of stepping foot in a theater again made it a wonderful experience for me. Sure, the plot could be confusing at times, but it was fun trying to fit certain puzzle pieces together and oh so thrilling when things just clicked into place in the most satisfying ways.

I adored the dynamic between Neil and the Protagonist. The easy friendship, the banter, the suits... everything. I also loved the relationship between the Protagonist and Kat. It started off as each using the other but transformed into one of genuine care on both sides. Ever the romantic, I definitely saw something more than just friendship between the two and was slightly disappointed the movie didn't explore that aspect more.  

For pairings, I’m interested in friendships between all of the characters. I’d be interested in seeing a romantic relationship between Kat and the Protagonist if you’re up for that, but not between Neil and Kat, nor Neil and the Protagonist. If you really want to give a romantic partner to Neil, I'd be fine with Laura (or an original female character if she’s not the focus of the story), but please, no slash. While I’d be ecstatic to see all three characters together, if you can only find a way to fit in two, that’s wonderful as well!

Story ideas:

Even though Andrei Sator is gone, there are still other players in the game, some like Priya, who want to eliminate Kat or even abduct her with the delusional idea she can continue her husband's work. The Protagonist (and Neil, if you so choose) ensures no harm comes to her, and he realizes that keeping her at a distance may not have been the best idea.

I personally don't buy into the fan theory that Neil is Kat's son Max; however, I do find the idea intriguing and would be up for reading about how that worked. The Protagonist breaks his rule and sees Kat, helping to raise her son Max/Neil and eventually teaching him about inversion.

The Protagonist doesn't have to wait quite as long as he'd thought to see Neil again. It can be the Neil who had already met him and knows about Tenet or the Neil who knows nothing about inversion.

What conversations did Neil and Kat have while the Protagonist was asleep after almost freezing to death? Maybe Neil explained the finer workings of Tenet and inversion more in-depth. Perhaps they discussed the Protagonist. 

Clueless:

Characters: Cher Horowitz and Josh Lucas

This movie set the bar high for teen romantic comedies. How can anyone ever beat 90s Alicia Silverstone and Paul Rudd? Plus, the relationship between their two characters is fantastic. Josh and Cher just bring out the best in each other. Cher shows Josh that he doesn't need to be so serious all of the time and that people are more than their outer appearances. Josh makes Cher want to be a better person, and he believes that she's not just a pretty face. Their banter and playful moments always make me smile.

Story ideas:

Knowing Josh and Cher end up together, this brings a heightened awareness to rewatches. They have so many casual touches and exchanged glances (when did Paul Rudd's eyes get so blue?) that it's hard to miss their natural chemistry. It may take quite some time for Cher's dad to notice anything has changed because they don't act all that different from before. Is there something that makes him finally take notice? How does he react?

Sort of related to the last prompt, there's a moment where Josh decides to go to the dance to keep an eye on Cher and Christian, and you can tell by Mel Horowitz’s smirk he realizes Josh has a crush on Cher. Does he do anything to push it along or play matchmaker just like his daughter?

I've always been curious about whether or not Josh believes Cher's story about being assaulted in the car by Elton and then held at gunpoint. We skip over Josh pulling up to the phone booth and go straight to Cher already being in the car. How did Josh react when she reiterated the story, and does he instantly believe her, or does it take some convincing? I'd like to see if he comforts her and if they both go together to tell Cher's dad what happened.

Cher is obviously very intelligent socially, if not always so much academically. When it comes time to apply for college, what does she major in? And how is Josh a positive influence in Cher's life, encouraging her to be ambitious and not letting negative comments from guidance counselors or teachers dissuade her?

Things I don’t like:

Alternate Universes – For the specific fandoms that I picked, I really like the universes as they are. I’m definitely okay with deviations from canon, but please don’t make Little Women into a supernatural werewolf story or have Tenet take place in a mundane coffee shop setting. (I don’t mind Soulmate AUs or something similar because those can be incorporated into canon with little change to worldbuilding).

Non-Con/Rape/BDSM/Sexual Violence/Graphic Sex – I like my characters to be happy and everything within ships to be 100% consensual, no question about it (mentions of non-con if it occurred in canon is fine). I also prefer plot over porn, especially with one-shots.

OT3s – Two people per romantic relationship, please. Any more than that makes me uncomfortable.

Character Bashing - Unless a character is a bad guy in canon, I don’t want to read hundreds of words about how awful they are, especially if they are one of the characters that I requested. Don’t take it out on the characters. If you hate my pairings, just write gen.

Things I love:

Hurt/Comfort – There is nothing I love more than one character comforting another. The hurt can be physical, psychological, or both.  

Happy Endings – I’m all for the realistic endings… but if they could be plausible AND at least happy-ish, that would be amazing.

Expanded Scenes/Contorting Canon – Feel free to expand scenes and change up the canon to your heart’s content as long as it makes logical sense.

Humor/Banter/Snark – I thrive on this stuff.

Bonding/Building Relationships – Whether it be a friendship or a romantic relationship, I adore reading about two people growing closer together. When characters know each other so well that they can have conversations with just their eyes or anticipate the person’s next move (especially if it’s to the surprise/confusion of everyone around them), my shipper heart is thrilled.

Dark to Light – Seeing a character come out of a bad mindset or situation and get better is so satisfying.

Happy writing and I hope you get the Yuletide gift of your dreams!

- Maddy @mustlovemustypages (on Tumblr, Ao3, and FF.net)

[clumsyclifford]

bella I would love a directors cut on literally any of the rilex you’ve written, but specifically it’s always her, and you, and me, or for these days you’ve been stuck in my brain 💙

OHHHHHH those are some CHOICESSSSSS lucy. fuck yeah. let’s get into it. ill link them both here but we’ll take em one at a time

it’s always her, and me, you

these days you’ve been stuck in my brain

here’s a cut for convenience cos i KNOW i’m gonna go long here.

okay! let’s start with the rilisex fic.

it’s always her, and me, and you

so like it says in the ao3 notes, this fic came from realizing just how frequently rian and alex kiss each other like, all the time? just? casually? for funsies? this was another one of those situations like i mentioned where the hook aka first line (“Rian's no expert, but he doesn't think normal friends kiss this much.”) just appeared in my head and i was like heyyy that’s a GOOD first line. i have to build from that line. that’s the hook, that’s the summary, that’s the core. 

something i discovered upon searching through the editing history of the doc: i had originally sort of intended to go a direction with this where in some other circumstance, rian would see alex giving jack a super casual friendly kiss and he’d get all sad/jealous and be like sure why SHOULDNT alex kiss jack after all its just a thing he does with his FRIENDS. but the fic ended up going a different way and honestly? im glad. i like this way better.

the role of singin in the rain in this fic actually has a HILARIOUS backstory because the night i originally wrote that conversation in the tour bus kitchen, i went into the club and said the following

and then. the next day. rian streamed with ricky, and i asked if he’d ever seen singin in the rain, and he ANSWERED ME and said he hadn’t. so first of all i had already written the scene and i then had to rewrite it to make it so rian wouldn’t have seen it but also!!! i literally asked rian fucking dawson if he’d seen a movie for the sole reason of using that information for fanfiction!!!! and he provided me with the information i needed!!!! whole thing is just fucking hysterical to me. ANYWAY.

ANYWAY, the other reason why sitr has such a big role in the fic is because megs and i watched the movie together while i was in the middle of working on the fic, so it was extremely fresh in my mind. in fact i can probably show you this: i had this comment left for myself when i was kind of trying to figure out if i could make a real metaphor of sorts with the sitr ot3 and the Big Three of this fic. some of this ended up in rian’s wild musings in the hotel scene but i did conclude that it wouldn’t really have worked and that was definitely true but anyway. fuck it, director’s cut, here’s the kind of shit i leave for myself to refer to

so that’s part of the reason why it became such a puzzle piece of this fic, but real talk, it’s also just because i love singin in the rain it’s one of my favorite movies lmao

briefly gonna also touch on lisa and why she’s in this fic because i realize that rian/alex/lisa is an interesting approach to rilex! first of all, i love lisa. i love alex and lisa. and it occurred to me that there was really no reason to split lisex up just to make rilex happen. plus there’s this tweet that really just pushed me over the edge of being like yeah, rilisex is extremely plausible. so that’s that on that.

as for the scene in the hotel room while they’re watching sitr, there is a small piece of that scene - from when alex starts kissing rian’s shoulders etc to “it would defy the laws of nature not to” - that i actually wrote before anything else in that scene. that small piece got stretched out and edited quite a bit from how it started but it did function as a sort of foundation around which i built the rest of the scene, because that small section sort of ~came to me~ absolutely out of nowhere, and i really liked the Vibe it had and i wanted to include it. i THINK that was the only piece of this fic that i wrote Out Of Order - for the most part this was written chronologically.

ALSO!!! omg this is exciting, this fic actually has a deleted scene!!!!!! i hate cutting scenes but i also hate having scenes that are less than 1k and this one didn’t really contribute much to the fic. i can probably share it here right? sure why not ! hopefully you can read this. it originally took place after the scene where alex and rian call lisa for the first time. the question of “what gets left into interview videos and what gets cut” is also just interesting to me as a (fic) concept in general so...eyes emoji, but here’s my mini-exploration that i cut from the original fic. enjoy lol it’s silly <3

oh! also one more thing!! the very final scene was included for two reasons. the first reason being that when i write getting-together fics, i really prefer to add on a scene After they Get Together because i love to write domestic established relationship stuff and i think that’s a satisfying reward for a reader who’s just slogged through all the mutual pining and bullshit to get the characters together. but the OTHER reason is that i got an anon (here it is!) and i read that ask and was immediately like well shit. now i have to fucking include this. for the anon and for myself. so you can thank that anon for that last scene. (also i wanted to include merrikat especially since i had to cut their little moment in the interview scene above.)

so....................whew. i think i’ve bled that fic dry. holy shit that’s a lot of Stuff. OKAY! let’s move on.

~

these days you’ve been stuck in my brain

so!!! THIS fic was the breakthrough after (what felt like) a long bout of writer’s block. long for me was maybe two weeks, but i am the kind of person who is always writing, and two weeks was a long time to go with little to no inspiration/motivation to write anything. i had also been in a weird narrative headspace because i’d been binge-watching disney shows (jessie > austin and ally > girl meets world) and i don’t know how well i can explain this but the way those shows are written is a lot snappier and cares way less for realistic and consistent character development or plots or relationships, and so i was stuck between caring a lot about including those things in my fics but also being unable to conceptualize them in writing because my brain was in Disney Writing Mode. does that make sense? this is rhetorical so let’s go with yes. so anyway. i was in a slump

actually what i ended up doing was basically googling something like “au prompts tumblr” or something and just scrolling through posts. i saw something about soulmate telepathy and i actually tried to write something totally different before i wrote this one, but the first attempt was a different concept and then the direction i took it was like......it wasn’t quite right and i realized that i was kind of writing dark disney style? there is really no way for me to explain what i mean by that because it seems really obvious to me but that’s just because i’m inside my own head so just take my word. 

anyway. attempt #1 of soulmate telepathy rilex went poorly, and this fic was attempt #2. i kinda took the soulmate telepathy thing and changed it as i saw fit and i also went back to skim helen’s telepathy fic because obviously she’s the pro and then i tried not to steal her ideas. and as i was writing it i kinda realized i was doing the whole quirky funny best friend character with jack and also doing the whole “somehow this not-very-dramatic situation with teenagers is treated as The Most Dramatic Thing Ever and that’s totally normal and nobody finds it strange” disney trope with rian and alex being soulmates and i was like (deep sigh) i have to accept that no matter how much i try to fight this, this fic is going to be tainted with disney. and that’s life

on top of that i will add that the real-life rilex were extremely inspiring during the two-day period during which i wrote this fic, because that was when the once in a lifetime video came out and in the brief pre-video livestream rilex were Beyond Married and that definitely helped in the writing of fic rilex!

hmmmm what can i tell you about this fic itself.................honestly, i don’t think there’s much to tell! rian is a band kid because in real life rian was a band kid and he’s staff manager at rita’s just like he was in real life. there is truthfully not a lot to unpack here that i can think of!

oh here’s something i guess: rian and alex go on a date in this fic! that is because watching So Much Disney made me realize that i often forget the fact that people just. go on dates. sometimes. look i clearly do not have an active romantic life but i also really liked the idea of alex and rian going on a date despite not knowing if they’d be soulmates or not and liking each other organically just by getting to know each other, rather than being victim to the whole soulmate thing. like i wanted them to build a connection so that they would want to be soulmates. and then the audience would want that for them too. stakes!! very important.

i can tell you i had a mild crisis over the title of the fic because i am not a fan of the word brain and i didnt wanna use that sticky lyric for the title when it had a word i hated but it was objectively a much better title option than the other one i had, which was “sticky just like the song in my head” but i obviously decided on the former and it has not upset me nearly as much as i expected it to so that was the right decision imo

so! i think that’s all on that! sorry (?) that it got so long although then again i don’t know what’s to be expected in a director’s cut for two long fics but thank you for asking me about these, i love them both so very much rilex is so supremely underrated but so very important

[jiaraweek]

✶ JIARA JULY 2020 MASTERLIST ✶

hello everyone! this is the masterlist for all fics posted during the week of jiara july. we’ll be periodically updating it each day with any fics posted under the tag ‘jiara july’ on tumblr or ao3, but please let us know if we miss anything/you want your fic to be added! thank you in advance to all the talented writers who are participating, we can’t wait to read what you’ve come up with!

DAY 1 - July 26th, 2020

PRECANON DAY

i'm so high at the moment, i'm so caught up in this (we're just young, dumb and broke but we still got love to give) by @hvitstark / RoseOf Winterfell on ao3

A totally plausible but not entirely probable speculation of Kie’s kook year and JJ’s part in it.

oneshot | 8K | angst | read it here

here to stay by @interstellarbeams

JJ has a small circle of trust, the Pogues, until Kiara breaks her way in.

oneshot | 2.3K | angst/hurt/comfort | read it here

pretty hot for a pogue by @hmsjiara / someoneyouloved on ao3

jj and rafe have a history, and kiara carrera just happens to be at the center of it.

oneshot | 6.7K | angst/hurt/comfort | read it here

nothin' lasts forever (we both know hearts can change) by @maybankiara

in which jj decides to take his chances with kiara the summer before they go to different high schools, which possibly ruins their friendship (and by an extension, the pogues’).

oneshot | 5.3K | angst | read it here

another day by capulets on ao3

a look at jj and kiara’s relationship from the very beginning.

oneshot | 2.6K | angst | read it here

new message by @routledges

glimpses into the pogues' group chat as kiara heads off to kook academy, and the messages exchanged between jj and kiara as her struggles don't go unnoticed.

oneshot | 1.8K | light angst/fluff | read it here

you drew stars around my scars by @coconutroseowl

after a hard betrayal from her best friend, kiara becomes intrigued with the code of friendship a certain group of boys have after jj helps her feel better. 

oneshot | 2.2K | hurt/comfort | read it here

What if... (Secrets are dug in the best friends' back yard?) by TiggerUsername on ao3

What if JJ and Kiara have been keeping a massive secret from the Pogues? What if JJ and Kiara were a lot closer than anyone had expected during Kiara's Kook year?

oneshot | 7.5K | romance/angst | read it here

✦ ✧ ✦

DAY 2 - July 27th, 2020

ACTIVIY DAY

fingertips puttin' on a show, got me now and I can't say no (i already know that there ain't no stoppin’ your plans and those slow hands) by @hvitstark / RoseOfWinterfell on ao3

JJ and Kie spend the morning with their kids... And trying to make a new one.

oneshot | 2.8K | romance/fluff | read it here

sea salt and grime (can’t believe that you’re mine) by @hmsjiara / someoneyouloved on ao3

jj and kiara fix up a bike together, and jj realizes they may have more in common than he thought.

oneshot | 5.5K | fluff/light angst | read it here

What if... (Baking is for lovers)? by TiggerUsername on ao3

A baking class for idiots inevitably escalates because of the hopeless couple that is JJ and Kiara.

oneshot | 3.3K | romance/fluff | read it here

invisible string by @alphinias

She weaved him bracelets as surely as they weaved memories together.

oneshot | 4.1K | fluff | read it here

i'll be there 'til the stars don't shine by @maybankiara

in which the pogues throw a kegger, and jj keeps getting distracted by the feelings he might have for one of his closest friends.

oneshot | 3.9K | angst/romance | read it here

just as i reach out to touch you (i remind myself you were meant to fly) by @interstellarbeams

JJ’s childhood memory of chasing fireflies has been tainted by his mother’s disappearance, but his friends help remind him what it’s like to be a kid again.

oneshot | 3.7k | fluff/hurt/comfort | read it here

that’s the thing about illicit affairs by @coconutroseowl

a day’s surfing with her best friend sparks unknown and unwanted feelings in kiara.

oneshot | 2.6K | angst | read it here

kiss the girl by capulets on ao3

some traditions are meant to be broken. apparently, the sanctity of movie night isn’t one of them.

oneshot | 1.5K | fluff | read it here

sunday’s by jiaras on ao3

Sundays were for JJ and Kiara. Since they became official three years ago, it was a known fact — ''I can’t, it’s Sunday'' or ''oh, maybe next week? Just not tomorrow, it’s Sunday'' had been more than overused by them both, until everyone seemed to catch on and stop asking all together.

oneshot | 4.8K | fluff/smut | read it here

✦ ✧ ✦

DAY 3 - July 28th, 2020

AU DAY

two worlds collided (and they could never tear us apart) by @rcsales

Kiara is tired of fancy parties at Sarah’s house; tired of rich self-centered people who only talk about how much money they're making. When she bumps into one of the waiters, her night gets a little more fun, whether she wants to admit it or not.

multichapter | 3.6K | romance/fluff | read it here

i see the sunrise getting high, i wish i was next to you by @hvitstark / RoseOfWinterfell on ao3

jiara band AU

oneshot | 5.2K | fluff/angst | read it here

i had a few (got drunk on you) by @interstellarbeams

Kiara is a student at bartender school and JJ is helping her practice (when he isn’t hindering her by drinking all the liquor).

oneshot | 7.6K | romance/fluff | read it here

no judgement zone by @noellesthings

jiara mythical AU

oneshot | 2K | angst | read it here

What if... (A beating heart is just a ticking timer)? by TiggerUsername on ao3

Everyone in Outer Banks has a soulmate. On their wrist is a ticking timer that is counting down to the second where the person meets their soulmate. The Universe makes sure that the two soulmates don't miss each other.

oneshot | 12.4K | angst/romance | read it here

this dream isn’t feeling sweet by @rae-of-fricking-sunshine

the scorpio race au

multichapter | 10.7K | read it here

monkshood and wolfsbane by @alphinias

JJ and Kiara go through seven years of Hogwarts together. They don't really like each other, until they do.

multichapter | 8.5K | romance/angst/fluff | read it here

war of hearts by capulets on ao3

kiara falls in love with jj. over and over and over again. the reincarnation au literally nobody asked for.

multichapter | 6.6K | romance/angst | read it here

let's get together (before we get much older) by jiaras on ao3

jiara college AU

oneshot | 7.5K | romance/fluff/smut | read it here

cause all’s fair in love and war by @hmsjiara / someoneyouloved on ao3

the percy jackson AU where jj and kiara really, really hate each other... until they don’t.

multichapter | 9.5K | romance/angst | read it here

this world seems beautiful when i'm with you by @maddieandherships

JJ, Pope and John B were alone in this world-a world crawling with dead people that would kill anything that had a heartbeat. It wasn't until they stumble upon a small community of survivors is where they finally feel they have a purpose, to survive.

multichapter | 5.9K | romance/angst | read it here

i have come to save the day by @maybankiara

in which jj is a postman and kiara is his favourite receptionist (alternatively, 4 times kiara didn't know jj's name and the one time she did).

oneshot | 5K | fluff | read it here

✦ ✧ ✦

DAY 4 - July 29th, 2020

DESTINATION DAY

better date than never by @alphinias

Kiara is sick of her mom badgering her about the single groomsmen at her cousin's wedding, so obviously, taking JJ as her date is the perfect solution. It won't be complicated. Not at all.

oneshot | 22.6K | romance/angst | read it here

you're the only friend I need (sharing beds like little kids) by jiaras on ao3

in which JJ and Kiara take their three kids on a road trip to the lake house.

oneshot | 3.6K | fluff | read it here

tell me when you’re falling (can you hear me calling?) by capulets on ao3

being in love with your best friend makes vacationing pretty inconvenient. luckily for kiara, said best friend will never suspect a thing.

oneshot | 3.3K | fluff/romance | read it here

and if my wishes came true (it would’ve been you) by @hmsjiara / someoneyouloved on ao3

the one where jj and kiara go on a road trip together and do a miserable job of pretending they’re not two idiots in love

oneshot | 7K | angst/fluff/smut | read it here

i don’t want to miss a thing by @maybankiara

in which jj drives kiara off to college, and he's not completely okay with that.

oneshot | 2.2K | fluff/light angst | read it here

✦ ✧ ✦

DAY 5 - July 30th, 2020

5 + 1 DAY

bare necessities by @rae-of-fricking-sunshine

the five times they were unintentionally undressed, and the one time they weren't

oneshot | 10.6K | fluff | read it here

I can’t believe that it’s finally me and you and you and me, just us (and our friends) by @hvitstark / RoseOfWinterfell on ao3

4 times John B and Pope interupt JJ and Kiara's alone time. And the 1 time they get to be alone.

oneshot | 11.6K | fluff/smut | read it here

if we were meant to be, we would've been by now by @alphinias

five times JJ was jealous, and one time he didn't have to be

oneshot | 12K | angst/romance | read it here

every piece of you by @interstellarbeams

Five places that Kie hadn’t expected to be intimate when kissed and one place she does.

oneshot | 13.2K | fluff/romance | read it here

it wasn’t special til i met you by capulets on ao3

the four times kiara lets jj braid her hair and the one time she doesn’t.

oneshot | 3.2K | fluff/light angst | read it here

friends are something that we were (before me sleeping in your shirt) by jiaras on ao3

the five times JJ and Kiara pretended to be a couple, and the one time they were

oneshot | 10K | romance/smut | read it here

What if... (slow and steady wins the race)? by TiggerUsername on ao3

the four times that JJ and Kiara are nearly caught and the one time where secrets become too much.

oneshot | 11K | romance/smut | read it here

i don’t wanna be your friend (i wanna kiss your lips) by @hmsjiara / someoneyouloved on ao3

the five times kiara thinks about kissing jj, and the one time she finally does it.

oneshot | 12.4K | angst/romance | read it here

✦ ✧ ✦

DAY 6 - July 31st, 2020

FIRSTS DAY

i lost myself between your legs (oh the habits of my heart, i can't say no) by @hvitstark / RoseOfWinterfell on ao3

Kie ask JJ to be her first. Because she trusts him. No other reason. JJ agrees. Because he's a good friend. No other reason.

oneshot | 10.8K | romance/smut | read it here

you and i (on the fly) by capulets on ao3

jj takes kie out on his bike for the first time and realizes just how fucked he is.

oneshot | 2.9K | fluff | read it here

august slipped away (into a moment in time) by jiaras on ao3

Kiara is going off to college soon, and JJ is staying in Outer Banks.

They decide to practice being away from each other for a day, for the first time ever.

oneshot | 6K | comfort/angst | read it here

What if... (It's only three words, eight letters)? by TiggerUsername on ao3

JJ has had a lot of firsts in his life. But none of them compare to Kiara. They are eighteen when Kiara tells JJ to man up and make a move. Together they realise that firsts can be repeated. There is one first however that changes everything. Because neither of them have heard those three words, eight letter before.

oneshot | 7.3K | angst/hurt/comfort | read it here

✦ ✧ ✦

DAY 7 - August 1st, 2020

FREE/GENRE DAY

Aetea (still searching for a reason, why is it so hard to find one) by @anxietyismyspiritanimal / yawning_inF on ao3

All hell breaks loose when JJ returns 'home' for the first time after John B's disappearance.. Luckily for him, Kiara would have never let him go in the mouth of the wolf alone.

multichapter | 1.7K | angst | read it here

[dreamtaehyung]

(This Is Not) A Puppy Love

In which Jimin’s soulmate is in love with someone or something? else.

pairing: jimin x reader

genre: fluff, slight angst

words: 4.1k

contains: soulmate!au, soulmate!jimin, sulky jimin, run era jimin (because i couldn’t get over it), lots of scenes w/ taehyung and his son bc why not, a hint of suggestive content if you squint

Jimin had been standing motionless in front of the heavily engraved mahogany door for quite a while now, right hand still poised over the doorbell.

He couldn’t believe it.

Etched on the side of his right index finger was a tattoo. It was written in delicate, looping script, the black ink spanning from the knuckle right to the fingertip.

He had not paid a smidgen of attention to it before, but he certainly did right at this moment.

It was too elegant, so perfectly ornate it was almost calligraphy.

He hated it.

Jimin wasn’t averse to the idea of getting tattoos, per se, in fact he had one inked right on top of his rib just last month. The actual process might’ve hurt like a bitch, but God was it worth it.

This one, though, just wasn’t his cup of tea. Too perfect, he reckoned, and his eyebrows furrowed, mouth frowning in distaste at the prospect of the tattoo taking up permanent residence on his body.

Jimin stares blankly ahead, struggling to remember how the horrendous tattoo got there in the first place. If his guess was correct it was probably inked right after partying the other day with his best friend, Taehyung.

That rat. Taehyung had probably convinced him to get the monstrosity tattooed on his skin in the first place, as Taehyung had the tendency to be mischievous and conniving, especially when inebriated, and of course Jimin, as piss drunk as he was, would gladly and willingly indulge his best friend’s antics. Stupid.

Jimin groaned, retracting said hand from the doorbell and running it through his orange locks in exasperation.

“I swear will never so much as breathe near alcohol with Taehyung in the vicinity.”

Jimin brought his hand down to his face again, scrutinizing the tattoo in detail. Upon closer inspection though, he saw that the tattoo was glowing, albeit faintly.

Well that was weird, Jimin mused to himself. Its outlines were tinged a bright, vivid red, blinking one last time before disappearing entirely.

He gasped, mouth ajar in disbelief. It couldn’t be —

He never believed in stuff like this. When Taehyung, a self-proclaimed hopeless romantic had told him about the idea of soulmates, he had always brushed him off. Never believed him when he said that when a person turns a specific age, the universe will help them find the one who was meant to spend the rest of eternity with them.

When the Fates had deemed it fit, a mark would find its way on the person’s skin, which would signify the first words they would hear their soulmate say.

He had never said it out loud in fear of hurting Taehyung’s feelings, but even back then he had scoffed at the notion. It was all utter bullshit, he thought. He never really believed that somewhere in the world there was a person who was meant to be his and only his.

He was content with living by himself and engaging in occasional hookups, insisting that he didn’t really give a rat’s ass if his soulmate did or did not exist. Or so he thought.

That did not stop him from hoping that Taehyung would find his own soulmate, though. And when he finally did, he was ecstatic for his best friend.

Taehyung, despite being pesky and annoying as hell when he willed himself to be, was a pure and genuinely kind soul who deserved to find true love.

His true love came in the form of a tall, blonde-haired girl whose name was Sana, who always had a smile on her pretty face.

Sana and Taehyung met through him, the former being Jimin’s classmate in Contemporary Literature. They kind of suit each other, Jimin had thought even back then. Sana has always been a kind, cheerful girl, always looking at the bright side of things, and while Taehyung could vex the crap out of him sometimes, he was also someone whose positive disposition in life Jimin would turn to whenever his thoughts turn a bit too gloomy.

He and Sana were studying for their upcoming finals in the university café when Taehyung barged in on them, honey colored skin glowing in the afternoon sun, his signature boxy smile plastered on his face.

“What’s up, nerd?” Taehyung mused, ruffling Jimin’s hair in greeting.

“Still as irritating as ever, I see.” Jimin muttered, pushing the latter’s hand away in mock annoyance, albeit unable to suppress his chuckles at his best friend’s antics.

Taehyung proceeded to rant about his Advanced Calculus class, grumbling at how the professor who seemed to have harbored a dislike for him called him to answer every single problem on the board.

“I never even did anything to piss him off, I swear!” Taehyung was rambling now, hands gesturing wildly as he recounts his overall behavior during this particular class, and Jimin was just about to utter some snarky remark when he finally remembered that they had company.

“Ah right,” Jimin almost forgot about his study buddy, gesturing to Sana who was now petrified in her seat, big, round eyes stuck staring at Taehyung who was promptly stopped from spouting more of the verbal diarrhea when he noticed her, mild discomfort evident on his striking features. “This is my classmate—“

Jimin was interrupted by Sana abruptly standing in her seat beside him, shouting and pointing a perfectly manicured finger towards Taehyung’s direction. “It’s you! My soulmate!”

Taehyung’s jaw dropped to the floor, eyes wide as saucers as he too now stared at the girl in disbelief. A beat or two had passed before he came to his senses and engulfed Sana in a bear hug, muttering into her shoulder how he was so grateful to finally meet her.

At that moment, Jimin had finally considered the plausibility of soulmates. He’d never admit it to anyone, not even himself, but he knew that the hope of finding his own soulmate had planted itself deep in his heart, and he began to silently long for the day when he could finally meet them, run his hands lovingly over their skin, touch their lips tenderly with his.

Still, he never thought this day would finally come.

His hands were shaking now, out of nervousness or excitement he really couldn’t tell. Who are you? Did he already know you or are you a stranger? Would you like him enough to spend the rest of your life with him?

Are you pretty? He chuckled at thought. Of course you would be. To him you would be the most beautiful creature he ever beheld, and he was sure that he would always be in love with you, even if he hadn’t seen a glimpse of you yet.

He squinted, eager to read the words that were now permanently etched on his skin. When he had finally read it in its entirety, his brows were creased once more in confusion and a frown had settled on his now crestfallen face.

What the fuck?

He reread it all over again, certain that he had just read it wrong. But he had not. Right on the side of his right index finger were the words “I love you too, Yeontan!”

Jimin scoffed in disbelief. Who the hell was Yeontan and why would his soulmate, the one person he was destined to spend the rest of his life with, say those wretched words towards him and not to Jimin himself?

Surely it was a mistake. It should be a mistake. His mind was reeling now, going into overdrive as he racked his brain for answers to no avail.

The fact that he had a soulmate should have made him giddy and euphoric, not upset and slightly dejected. So you were in love with someone else? His heart broke at the thought.

And what if anyone else were to find out? He would hate to be the subject of pitying glances and faux concern, but most of all he did not want Taehyung to know, he knew that his best friend would take the news just as hard as he did.

He could feel the incoming onslaught of an emotional breakdown, and as much as he would love to slump straight to the floor and wallow in his heartbreak and self-pity, he definitely did not want strangers passing by to regard him with looks of pity and mild disgust.

He shook the thoughts away, willing himself not to think about his predicament anymore and reminding himself of the reason why he had been standing right in front of the dark mahogany door in the first place.

He was here to finally meet Taehyung’s adopted “son” as his best friend himself had put it, a black and tan teacup Pomeranian he got from the local animal shelter. Slowly, Jimin stooped to pick up the plastic bag containing puppy treats that he dropped earlier on the floor, and finally pressed the doorbell right above the doorknob of Taehyung’s apartment.

Jimin could hear Taehyung before he could see him, heavy footsteps quickly bounding towards the door.

“Chim!” Jimin was greeted by the sight of a barefoot Taehyung clad in a light beige knitted sweater and dark olive green chinos, forehead glistening with a thin sheen of sweat and dark, freshly permed hair sticking out in multiple directions as if he had just come back after a run.

“I’m so glad you could make it! I just got back from touring the puppy around the block, and man does he have a lot of stamina for a someone his size,” Taehyung chuckled fondly, and taking notice of the seemingly heavy plastic bag Jimin held in his hands, took it away and made for the kitchen, all the while still talking Jimin’s ear off.

Jimin immediately stalked towards Taehyung’s direction, neck craning forward to make out the words coming out from his best friend’s mouth. He still couldn’t hear him properly though, so he opted to head for the sofa on Taehyung’s living room. He’ll just ask him about it later.

Taehyung’s living room was spacious, much like the rest of his apartment. Multiple canvases and art supplies were scattered about the room, each painting in different degrees of completion. Freestanding wooden shelves housing selections of books and photography magazines were situated on the right side of the wall, a painting of a blue, starry horizon hanging right above it. A puppy playpen was positioned on the opposite side of the room, filled with toys and treats undoubtedly for Taehyung’s small, fluffy son.

Disorganized stacks of paper were placed haphazardly beside two laptops on an ornate wooden table placed right in the middle of the room, adjacent to the plush, maroon sofa where a certain someone was currently sitting with their back turned towards Jimin’s direction, small, dainty hands holding a puppy close to their face.

Jimin stilled. Taehyung did not tell him he had another guest. Or maybe he did, judging by the way he was chattering nonstop earlier. He probably hadn’t heard him.

You were clad in a light yellow hoodie and black jeans, the hood covering your hair entirely. White sneakers were discarded on the floor beneath you, feet placed on the table revealing cream colored socks decorated with rice cakes all over.

“Cute”, Jimin muttered to himself without thinking, clearing his throat immediately.

He looked at you intently, trying to make out if he knew you already. He wasn’t really sure if he did, so the way his heart was hammering louder the longer he looked at your form terribly confused him. What the hell was happening to him?

He was about to make his presence known when you suddenly held the dog closer to your face, giggles escaping your mouth when it suddenly licked your cheek.

“I love you too, Yeontan!” You exclaim, situating the puppy in your lap and petting its soft, fluffy fur with your hands. You stood up slowly and made your way towards the foyer, firmly nestling Yeontan in your arms.  

You were too busy cooing over the puppy to notice Jimin who now seemed to be glued to the floor, wide, disbelieving eyes never tearing away from you.

Jimin was sure his heartbeat was so loud that even you could hear it from across the room. It was you. His soulmate.

Well, he wasn’t wrong. You really were the most beautiful creature he ever beheld.

He was never one to believe in love at first sight, but looking at you now, laughter bubbling from your soft lips, eyes twinkling in utter delight, he was quite sure that he would do anything in his power to ensure that you would never feel unhappy again for the rest of your life.

You start, a small choked sound escaping your lips as you finally register the man standing in front of you.

Your curious eyes swept slowly over his frame. His hair was distinctly akin to the hue of autumn leaves, only brighter and more vivid. It was messily combed back and styled upward away from his forehead, and you assumed that he must have had a habit of running his hands through his hair.

His soft, slightly round cheeks which were flushed a deep red and his full, pink lips juxtaposed his sharp, angled jaw, impressing a striking yet gentle visage.

Slung over his shoulders was a dark green army jacket, the thin white shirt underneath graciously bestowing you the sight of his delicate collarbones. Your flustered mind unconsciously drifted to thoughts of how beautiful it would look littered with marks all over, and you frantically veered your mind away from the notion.

You ventured lower, noting that the fabric of the light wash ripped jeans he was currently wearing were straining against slender yet thick thighs and calves.

Damn, this guy certainly hit the jackpot in the genetic lottery.

All of his features were lovely, undoubtedly so, but what struck you the most was his eyes. Dark, sharp eyes were staring straight at you, pupils blown wide. It held a plethora of emotions you could not really decipher, but among them one stood out the most.

Pure, ardent adoration.

Cheeks coloring slightly in embarrassment, you wondered how long the man had been standing there. And why was he looking at you like you were the love of his life?

He was easily the most beautiful man you had ever seen, and you definitely have ogled a lot of hot guys in your time. Surely a guy like him wouldn’t even breathe in your direction, let alone be attracted to you.

You inwardly cringe at your train of thoughts, chuckling nervously as you delicately placed Yeontan down on the floor. Yeontan immediately heads for the kitchen, probably looking for his owner. Or food, you couldn’t really tell.

Your meet moved of their own volition, tentatively stepping towards the man who was still rooted in his place. He was probably Taehyung’s best friend, you guessed, the one he always told you about. You reach out a hand towards him, a small smile on your lips.

“You must be Taehyung’s best friend, I suppose? I’m y/n, Taehyung’s thesis partner.” You offer, eyes darting to his face. He was still staring at you, ears not registering what you just said. You try again, this time a little louder.

“I’m y/n, Taehyung and I are thesis partners? We’ve actually just finished working on it today, so I was just about to leave. Sorry for startling you,” You laugh uncomfortably, lowering your proffered hand back to your side when he didn’t take it.

Jimin was startled out of his stupor, wringing his hands in embarrassment. He willed himself to speak, clearing his throat a few times in an effort to get rid of the nerves currently plaguing him.

Finally, he croaked, tone tinged with both amusement and relief, “Y-you mean to tell me it was a dog?”

“Huh?” You crease your brows in confusion, not really understanding his question.

He asked you again, tone softer and voice a bit louder this time.  

“You mean to tell me it was a dog?” Jimin asks, earnest eyes searching yours for any sign of recognition.

He could see the gears turning in your mind, confusion melting into awe and disbelief. You hastily searched for the mark etched on the inside of your left wrist, confirming what he had been thinking.

“You mean- I- We-“

“Yes.” Jimin was laughing now, dark eyes resembling crescents. He offers you his hand, showing you the exact words that had come out of your mouth earlier.

You couldn’t believe it.

There he was, your soulmate, in the flesh.

You gave his form a not so subtle once-over for the second time today, and this time he definitely noticed, if the teasing glint in his eyes was enough to go by. This man seemed to be carved out of marble, exquisite features carefully made out with the skill and precision only the most adept sculptor could ever achieve, and he can’t blame you for making sure that he wasn’t just a figment of your overactive imagination.

You were too busy checking him out that you startle when he speaks, the smallest hint of an amused smile adorning his features.

“Like what you see?” Jimin asks teasingly, feet clad in black combat boots treading slowly to close the distance between the two of you, careful and calculated as if he doesn’t want to scare you away.

He was in front of you now, so close you could feel his hurried breaths fanning across your face and could take in the scent of his cologne.

Your breath hitched in your throat as you surveyed him in closer detail. He was much better looking up close, if that was even possible.    

“I’m Jimin,” he breathed, eyes never leaving your face.

You wordlessly nod, the words seemingly stolen away from you.

“I.. I can’t believe I actually found you,” he chuckled a bit at himself, unable to hide his exhilaration and relief at finally meeting you, his soulmate.

Thank heavens you weren’t actually in love with someone else. It was just a puppy, Taehyung’s puppy to be precise, and as he lets out a slight laugh he felt as though a massive, painful thorn had finally been dislodged from his chest, allowing him to breathe freely.

He never took his eyes away from you, as if looking elsewhere would make you slip away from him forever. He regarded you with so much affection, so much love that you wondered if you deserved this. If you deserved him.

The corners of your eyes started to fill with unshed tears as he beamed down at you, thoughts of you being unworthy of his attentions, his affections beating harshly at you. 

Jimin frowns, hand coming up to your face to wipe the stray tear cascading down your cheek.  

You stared wordlessly back at him, his small gesture comforting you and vanishing those ugly thoughts immediately. You knew at once that you would gladly spend the rest of your life gazing at his face if he allowed you to.

Jimin’s holds your gaze tenderly, his hands reaching to cup your face. His fingers graze your cheek softly, lovingly, as his lips slowly inching towards yours.

You blushed and closed your eyes as he crossed the distance between the two of you, laying your forehead on his.

He was utterly perfect. And he was yours.

You sighed and closed your eyes as his soft, plush lips met yours. You stayed like that for a while, relishing the feeling of the other’s lips, before you felt him nip softly at your bottom lip, as if asking your permission.

You press your lips to his once more, insistent as you feel Jimin smirk as he finally deepens the kiss, angling your jaw gently to the side.

You whimper, shuffling impossibly closer to his body, eager to feel the warmth emanating from him. You wanted nothing more than to feel him against you, hear the frantic beating of his heart as you melt into his touch.

“Soulmate.” Jimin breaks away from the kiss and sighs contentedly into your lips, placing a delicate peck on your forehead as he struggled to catch his breath.

Your hand settles on his hair, playing with the strands and pulling slightly. Your eyes were glazed over, pupils blown wide with desire as you stare at his lips, which earns a low growl from Jimin.

“Fuck,” Jimin’s nuzzles into your neck, placing open mouthed kisses on your throat. You moan louder this time, hand tugging insistently on his hair as Jimin hums and places delicate purple marks along your collarbone.

The sweet noises coming out of you only serves to encourage Jimin further, hands hastily reaching for the hem of your hoodie to allow him access.

His lips find yours again once more, groaning into your mouth as his hands explored every inch of your body. You gently bit on his bottom lip and let out a gasp as you feel something hard poking against you, causing your cheeks to blush.

At the sound of loud, heavy footsteps, you pull away from the kiss, pushing your hands slightly against Jimin’s torso to increase the distance between the two of you. Jimin frowns, his now swollen lips eager to be against yours again.

He moves his face closer to yours, eyes never leaving your soft lips. You almost indulged him, moving to close the gap again, until you hear Taehyung clear his throat.

“I see you’ve met each other.” His voice resounded in the room, an amused lilt laced in the deep timbre of his voice. Yeontan was cozily nestled in his arms, the puppy yapping at the both of you once, almost as if in greeting.

You jolted away from each other in surprise, cheeks both tinged in pink in embarrassment from being caught.

At the lack of response, Taehyung suddenly wiggled his eyebrows, mischievous eyes flitting playfully between the both of you, Yeontan still held against his chest.

“And I see that you’ve also been getting it on—“

“Shut up, Taehyung!” You interrupt, covering your face with your hands while Jimin turns to look at you, snorting at your sudden outburst.

Jimin gently pulls your hands away from your face, enclosing them with his own. He turns to look at Taehyung who was still sporting a look of delight, eyes following Jimin’s gestures.

“Taehyung, I would like you to meet my soulmate, y/n.”

Taehyung almost dropped Yeontan on the floor in utter surprise, mouth forming a perfect O. Yeontan glances at his owner with what you are sure is a hint of exasperation.

You stifled a laugh for his sake, failing as you hear Jimin chortling slightly beside you. When he finally recovered from the understandably shocking revelation, Jimin finally told him how you both found out.

-

“So let me get this straight. You actually thought Yeontan stole your soulmate away?” Taehyung was cackling now, hands clutching at his stomach from laughing too hard.

“I mean it wouldn’t be impossible, seeing that he got his father’s good looks and all.” He adds with a smirk, and it took all of Jimin’s willpower to not throw a pillow right into his self-satisfied face.

“You’re annoying, you know that, right?” You quip, and as if reading Jimin’s mind you grabbed pillows from the sofa and smacked one right into Taehyung’s torso, effectively wiping the smug look off his face.

Jimin could not help but laugh at the sight of you, bickering with his best friend just like he usually did on countless occasions. You turn to look at him, eyes gazing adoringly up at your soulmate, an impish smile playing on your lips as you hand him another pillow.

You were wiggling your eyebrows at him, gaze flitting to an unsuspecting Taehyung who was still indignantly grumbling about the sudden attack.

“Pillow fight!” You both yell simultaneously, pelting poor, unguarded Taehyung with the pillows you held in your hands, Jimin’s smacking him right in the face.

“Great shot, soulmate!” You cheered happily at him, holding up a hand towards him for a quick high five. Instead of doing so, Jimin reached for your hand to bring you closer to him, placing a delicate kiss on your both of your cheeks, your forehead, your nose and then your lips, much to Taehyung’s disgust.

Only when he held you firmly against his chest, your lovely face peering curiously at his, enamored eyes tracing the shape of his lips, did he finally come to terms with the fact that you were indeed his soulmate and God, did he strike it lucky.

[atlas-of-a-human-soul]

Broken Wings, pt.9 (AU)

09:  Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?

Summary: Back in her original body, she must find a way to break the curse.

Warnings: angst, fluff

Word Count: ~ 2000

Broken Wings (Angel AU - G.D.) Masterlist

Lost in space and time. That's how she felt as her mind drifted with clear instructions to focus on Y/N and the first time she had seen Grayson. It felt like someone is probing her brain, picking it apart for information she could hardly collect and present in exchange for her life. It tore through her, pushing her to relive each of her past lives within seconds – not having long enough to truly find a footing and realize what's happening, but long enough to feel the hurt of every single death she'd been put to with Grayson's lips atop hers.

''Focus on a heart-shaped ring I have made for you. It will lead you home.“

Grayson's words reminded her how to find her way, shaking her head furiously to get the overwhelming pain away from her thoughts. She had to find an anchor in something, Grayson being the obvious choice. And just like that, the darkness fades, light taking its place.

Blinding light forces her to close her eyes, holding out her arm to protect her vision. But when she opens her eyes, she's no longer blinded nor is she riddled by thousands of lifetimes – just this one.

Her hands are a little paler and smaller than usual, the heart-shaped ring on her right middle finger drawing her attention first as if it was a magnet – something she looked at every day, something very dear to her heart. 

But that's not her ring. Those are not her hands.

''What the?“ She breathes out, her hands resting on her long Y/H/C hair, much longer than she remembers it to be. And that's when she realized the truth – she's no longer Caroline.

''Y/N?“ His voice draws her attention without any effort, her eyes settling on the angelic man she had loved since the beginning of time. And he's shirtless. Very much shirtless.

''Y-yeah?“ She stutters, unable to peel her eyes from his incredible physique.

Every single inch of his skin is marked with perfection, each line accentuating an ab she’d like to drag the tip of her tongue over. His arms are huge, veins visible and curving around his muscles like snakes that give his arms the power to kill. His shoulder is distinctly pointy and sharp, his collarbone just calling for her to tap her fingertips along the curve. His neck is strong and inviting, awaiting love bites along the prominent vein on the left.

But nothing could compare to the flawlessness of his face. With a jawline that can cut you, a slight stubble lining it and framing his lips, cute nose to boop and brown eyes that turn hazel under the sunlight downing in his desire for her…well, Caroline finally understood the arrogant eyebrow raise and the cocky smirk he bestowed upon her and Y/N was surely a lucky lady if she got a piece of him, even for a moment before her death.

Looking like that, Grayson had every right to be confident. She loved the way he held himself upright and with dignity, light and untainted by unimaginable sorrow.

“You look a little lost there. Are you alright?” The kindness, softness in his voice had served like a tender kiss, caressing her soul.

“Yeah. I’m good. Great even.” She replied all too enthusiastically. She couldn’t believe this plan worked.

“You know I have to leave now. But I promise to return to you, my love.” Grayson stepped closer, his arms open as he wanted to embrace her.

It finally dawned on her – this is the exact moment she needs to convince him to bring her along.

“You have to take me with you.” Caroline blurted out, noticing just how different her voice is in this body, wondering if this is the kind of voice Grayson truly loves, not her raspy one.

“What? Love, I can’t. You know I can’t. This is…upstairs business. I’ve told you that.” Grayson’s eyebrows furrowed and his eyes narrowed ever so slightly as Y/N, his dear Y/N, gripped her hair like a madwoman.

“What do I tell you if you refuse?” Caroline asked, melting with a faint smile upon Grayson’s sweet lips.

“The truth. I’ll know something’s off anyways.” He stated, confusing her further.

“How? You said my soul is how you know it’s me. Wouldn’t that mean my soul being back in the original body wouldn’t change that?” She frowned, biting her lower lips softly.

“Every death marked your soul, changing your light. It started white – the essence so bright I could hardly look straight into your soul. It’s more colorful now. It shows you’ve lived many lives. So, tell me the truth.”

Caroline wondered if this Grayson could tell her essence isn’t as bright anymore. She wondered if that lessened her worth in her Grayson’s eyes. Had her colors changed his love for her over the years as well?

“If you don’t…I’ll die. Thousands upon thousands of times.” She bit her lower lip again, sensing him looking deeper into her eyes than any man had ever delved. He’s searching her eyes for the truth, a plausible reason behind the madness he believes had taken her – but all he sees is her essence, the colors dancing around it – colors he’d never seen before.

“I’m not Y/N. My name is Caroline and I’ve come from the future…You’ll be the cause for the angel’s fall on Earth and the reason for my demise for your lips are the door to death from the moment you go up there without me. It’s an endless cycle and we have to try and break it. Or at least stop it.” Caroline insisted, her panic easily reaching Grayson who believed every word she spoke but couldn’t resonate it inside his head. It was too much, even for him.

“Humans aren’t allowed in heaven, Y/N…Caroline.” He corrected himself, taking in a deep breath to clear his chaotic mind.

“So what then? Just gonna stand there and watch me burn? Because that’s what happened to Y/N. She burned to death when you laid your lips upon hers after the fall. She died each time, sometimes by burning, sometimes drowning, sometimes more subtle ways…but she dies each time. I.DIE.” She emphasized, placing her hand on his chest before she stopped. For a moment she saw an opportunity present itself, for her to taste the lips of doom she avoided since she met this beautiful man in her own time. She had an opportunity to feel what each of her predecessors have without it killing her. The curse still hadn’t taken its place.

Without a second thought, she placed a hand at the back of his neck, pulling him closer until her lips touched upon his. Grayson’s breathing quickened as did hers. His head was angled slightly to the side as his lips pressed harder and harder to hers. She was surprised to find his lips parted, craving the touch of her lips upon his as well. Their breaths mingled. Her heart fluttered inside her chest. At first, it was a delicate butterfly of a kiss, like he’s afraid she’s but a dream he conjured in his mind. Like a stronger touch might break her. When she doesn’t move away but gives into his touch, Grayson smiles into the kiss before allowing his arms to encircle her.

He drew her to him so there was no distance left between them, their lips finding each other in a kiss that stopped their minds from working. This kiss was desperate, passionate, one meant to compensate for all the pain she suffered because he loved her. He dedicated his life to being with her from the moment of that first kiss, for he knew that if he lost her he would lose himself. Barely able to separate, Caroline is the first to step back, gasping for air. Grayson groans lowly at the loss of contact, his hands stopping her from moving too far. They’re both out of breath, their lips swollen and spread into two entirely different smiles. 

But when she blinks her eyes open, she finds she's no longer on Earth.

''Shh.“ Grayson warns her to remain quiet, showing her the line before and after them, every angel making their choice. Ethan stood behind them, eyes wide as he tapped Cameron's shoulder to look at his brother's actions.

However, the next time Caroline blinks, she founds herself alone. Looking down, she can see a countless amount of angels in their fall, each screaming in their mutual terror of what's to come – of losing the only home they've ever known.

''You were wrong to come here.“ She hears a voice, but she's all alone. ''Humans can't see me. Don't even bother, Y/N.“ The voice addresses her, only to change its mind. ''Or should I say Caroline?“

''Was I wrong? You cursed me to eternal damnation and ignorance and you question why I'd come here?“ She retorted, quite frankly pissed off. She wanted more time with this Grayson – the innocent, loving, happy Grayson who didn't carry the guilt of her numerous deaths on his shoulders. She wanted more than a kiss – she wanted a lifetime.

''It's not your punishment. It's his. That's why you forget your lives. I've spared you the pain.“

Caroline chuckles, shaking her head as her hand covers her mouth to hide just how much of an angry chuckle this is.

''Spared me? I'VE BEEN LOSING MY MIND THIS WHOLE TIME! I haven't been spared. I've been torn from the one soul I'm meant to be with. My other half. I'm tortured, a slave to a curse without a way to break it.“ She tries to collect herself, hoping not to get something worse in return. She's angry, burning up, but she can't let her emotions take over.

''And you think you're soulmates? What of Amara? Or Kendra? Or even Hailey? They've all chosen Ethan. How would you choose someone else if Grayson is your soulmate?“ She found herself challenged, learning there was more than one version of her that fell for the handsome demon. She wasn't surprised...A part of Caroline wanted Ethan just as bad as they did. But Grayson was her endgame.

''True love is imperfect. It's not always about who you feel connected with. Sometimes timing, people, surroundings get involved and people meant to be together don't get the luxury of loving each other. But if he wasn't the one, what did they die of then? Are you telling me neither of them succumbed to their feelings for Grayson in the end?“ Caroline smirked, feeling as if she's made progress. Crossing her arms she felt nearly victorious.

''If I break the curse, you'll die and never return. Grayson would still live an eternity on Earth, alone. It will drive him mad as time passes...the day he can't remember your face anymore is the day he'll be a lost soul. He'll choose Lucifer and the scale will tip to the bad side. It will bring about an Apocalypse. Sure you want that ending to your love story?“

Caroline closed her eyes feeling as if her head might explode. This information...the way everything would go...it was too much. She loved Grayson more than anything and she had nothing to lose, but was their happiness, a single lifetime worth millions of lives?

''What if you let him be with Y/N? When he falls, the curse doesn't exist. Make his fate tied to her soul and the last beat of her heart would be his as well.“ Caroline tried, getting a dry chuckle as her response.

''I'M TRYING?!“ She screamed in frustration, spinning in circles as she looked for some way out.

''You've banned all the angels after Grayson even though they never had a chance to make a choice. What if you let them come home? Let them all choose again and grant them access to heaven. When I'm dead, Grayson could return to grace.“ Caroline felt herself on edge, tears filling her eyes as she ran out of options for a way to make things better.

''I have a better idea.“ She heard the voice say just as a white light blasted straight at her.

Tags: @dancerwriter​ @peacedolantwins​  @heeydolan​ @accalialionheart​   @graydolan12​  @xalayx​  @fallinginlove-16​ @deeteeeeevee​  @heyits-claire​ @riverdalesserpent​ @dolandolll​

[yoonia]

About Time // part 12

Character: Jungkook x reader / Jimin x reader (feat. other members of BTS)

↳ Type/Genre/words: Angst, Alternate Universe (Time Travel!au/Time Leap!au, Soulmate!au) / 7,702 words

↳ Prompts: “What if you find your soulmate… at the wrong time?” - Lauren Kate, Passion

↳ Summary: Be careful for what you wish for, because you may never know how to deal with them once it comes true. What would you do when your wish for a second chance actually came true? But was it really a fulfilled wish? Too many questions lie when it actually happened. Were they real memories? Or perhaps a part of a past life? Was it only a dream all along? Will everything be different this time?

↳ Warnings: mentions of cancer, (mentions of) major character death

↳ ⤎ Previous Chapter | series index: about time | Next Chapter ⇢

—First life. ______’s flat, year 2018—

I must have had a weak heart.

That would be the only plausible explanation as to why I ended up allowing him to help me. It was not like I had any other choice, however. I had just been released by the hospital a few days ago, and after my parents found out how stubborn I was to stay in my flat despite being unable to function properly on my own—heck, I could not even walk anywhere without having to use my crutches—they insisted to pick me up and take me home so they could take care of me.

Conveniently, right at the day when they were already making their way over, Taehyung suddenly disappeared.

Meanwhile, Jungkook was always there.

Ever since the day he gave me and Taehyung a ride home from the hospital, Jungkook almost never left my side. He may have seemed terribly awkward and out of place at first, when Taehyung handled everything the moment we arrived in my flat, nursing me and setting up the place for me to be able to rest properly. Taehyung even cooked dinner for the three of us, pushing aside his anger which he had for Jungkook for my sake.

But sometime during the night, as Taehyung let himself slipped out of the room, Jungkook immediately took over. He helped me with all the trivial things I was not able to do; from going to the bathroom, preparing myself for bed, he even cuddled with me as we watched TV and even gave me massages when I felt sore. He kept stealing chances of being alone with me and taking care of me when Taehyung was taking care of something else.

In the end, he was the one tucking me into bed after Taehyung suddenly decided to leave early.

The next day, Taehyung never bothered to come. He only called to check up on me, and the moment he found out that Jungkook had been there since before I even woke up, he only told me that he would be busy. All I had from him that day was a few phone calls and text messages to ask how I was doing and to confirm if Jungkook was still there. That continued for the next day and the day after. He never even bothered calling me at all today.

With my predicament and the lack of help, I had no other choice but to let Jungkook lend a hand as I needed to pack up and get ready to leave. He was the only one who was here today, after all, when he came offering to help when I told him about my plan of leaving for a while. So there he was, kneeling on the floor, helping me pack up my clothes and some other belongings into my bags before my parents would come to pick me up, while I sat on the edge of my bed.

“So, you’re going to stay home while focusing on your recovery? What about your classes?” Jungkook asked me as he was arranging my belongings into my bag. I already missed finals when during my long stay in the hospital, and the new semester would be starting while I was still undergoing treatments and therapies.

The latter was the reason why my family wanted me back home. They wanted me to be with them during the ongoing treatments. It was the best option available since I would not be able to attend classes anyway. And that was what I told Jungkook then.

“I don’t think I can go back so soon to classes. Not when I’m still like this,” I said, waving my hand to point at my body. My very weak, useless body. “And I figured it would be better if I focus on getting better first before I could go back and catch up with classes. I might be graduating a year late, or perhaps more, but at least I’d be able to do things on my own instead of being everyone’s burden.”

“You’re not a burden,” he quickly said, cutting me off. Looking a little bashful right after that he looked away. He continued tugging and tightening my bag when he spoke again, “Can’t you do it here? It’s close to the hospital and I can take you there for each therapy sessions. I—I can stay with you and help.”

I held back the piece of clothing that I had in my hands, leaving Jungkook’s hand stopping mid-air as he waited for me to hand it over.

“Um, yeah well—my parents insisted,” I answered him as I handed him the shirt I was folding on my lap, only after he turned his head to send me an anticipating stare. “I’m completely useless when I’m on my own anyway, I can’t move around too much and it feels too painful when I try to do anything on my own. I already missed out an entire semester while I was in the hospital, and I had even missed classes before when—” I stopped, catching myself before I could mention about the lost baby. It was too painful for me to remember about it, much less to talk about it. Clearing my throat, I kept my voice steady.

“Anyway, I already took a break for the next semester. I will stay home until I get better and ready to come back to take my classes again,” I told him then, refraining myself from mentioning the fact that I needed to get away from all the weird glances people were giving me since the day I came back to the campus, when everyone literally knew what had happened to me and all that had happened between Jungkook and myself before the accident that night.

I needed some time to avoid those curious stares, and the questions that undoubtedly would follow if I should choose to stay and face everyone I knew. But mostly, I needed some time away from him as well. I had been so dependant on Jungkook ever since we started dating, and it was the hardest part to endure after the downfall, to face a life where not only that I would not be able to be with Jungkook, but to do everything on my own.

To face everything alone.

He held the piece of clothing I had just given him and fell silent for a moment. His eyes kept flickering between the cloth and the bag, and then at me. “I can help you out. I can take care of you.”

“No, I can’t let you,” I told him with a pursed smile. “You no longer have any obligations to do anything for me.”

“Of course, I do,” he said as he threw everything into my bag, keeping his eyes on them as he spoke. “All of this is my fault. I am responsible for everything. I have every obligation to take care of you.”

“No, you don’t. We’re no longer together, Jungkook. So—”

He instantly turned around when he heard me, reaching for my knees and started to squeeze lightly as he begged. “Please just give me a chance. I will take care of you. I will nurse you, cook for you, or order you take outs when I can’t. And I will help you with your study so you can keep up,” he pleaded to me desperately. “I want to help you. I just—I understand if you want to be with your family, but I can take care of you. At least please give me a chance to prove that I can make things better.”

“Better? How? If you’re doing this because you feel sorry for me, or guilty for what had happened, I get it,” I told him with a sigh, with the same desperation for him to stop. “I already told you that I can forgive you. And I will. I just need some time.”

Jungkook reached out to grab my hands and gave me a squeeze. “If I wait until then, does that mean we can go back together again? Will things go back like before?”

The look in his eyes allowed guilt to grow inside my chest. I have already made my decision, and I was so ready to start living without him. Why must he make things so hard for me? I gave him a frown as I shook my head. “No, Jungkook. I can’t.”

His eyes grew wide, and he opened his mouth to give me another plea. But I stopped him. “I can’t promise you that things will get back to normal because I know that it won’t. We can’t. Not after—” I took a sharp deep breath when the memory of what had happened brought back all the pain. “Once I am out that door, you are free to move on with your life and I will do for mine. I will be strong enough to be on my own once I’m back, so you won’t have to be here like this again.”

“Then don’t go.”

I shook my head. “Jungkook—”

“Tell me what to do to make you stay with me. Tell me what to do—”

“Please, Jungkook,” I tried to pull my hands away from his grip, yet he kept tightening his fingers around mine, refusing to let go.

“I love you,” he insisted. “I can’t lose you.”

I locked my eyes on his, taking a moment to study his gaze. Did he really mean what he just said? Should I trust him? Questions and doubts came into my head as I stared deep into his eyes, trying to figure out if he was truly being honest with me, trying to see if I still felt the same. And of course, I did.

“I love you too, Jungkook. With all my heart,” I told him, truly, and his gaze softened at my words. But those eyes turned sullen when I continued to speak, “It is the fact that I love you so much that this feels so, so painful. That is why I have to go, to be somewhere far away from you. I need time to recover, Jungkook. Not only from my wounds, not only from losing the baby, but also from you. It still hurts. And it hurts a lot. You know that I’m not talking about the wounds I am having. Because you know that it is not where I am hurting the most. I need time to get through that, Jungkook.”

It took so much effort to convince him to leave, to make sure that he would be gone by the time my parents would arrive. I had no other choice but to promise him a chance for us to meet and talk again once I returned, only to have him walk out that door merely five minutes before my mother informed me that she had reached the street where I lived in.

He was out of my flat when my father came and carried my belongings into the car, while my mother helped me to walk out. But just as we passed by the end of the streets, I saw him sitting inside his car, parked at the corner of the street as he silently watched me being driven away from him.

My parents had their eyes on the road and they were busy conversing that they never noticed him being there. But I did. And as my eyes looked at his way, just as our car was passing him by, our eyes met. I could see the hurt he was feeling from the way he was staring at me, as he kept watching us go. As much as I wanted to stop the car and run to him, I knew that it was never going to happen.

Don’t give in, ____. It’s all over now, and you will be okay, I continued to convince myself as I looked away from his sorrowful eyes with a heavy heart.

—First life. Jung Family’s Residence, year 2018—

[03.02 PM] From Jungkook: Are you home yet? How are you feeling?

[11.11 PM] From Jungkook: Have you gone to bed?

[07.32 PM] From Jungkook: Have you had dinner yet?

“Who is it?” my Mom asked me curiously as I pulled out my phone for the umpteenth time tonight. We were preparing for dinner when his text came in. Well, more like I was sitting down at the kitchen counter peeling and cutting vegetables while my Mom did all the cooking. “You have been checking on your phone a lot and it’s been vibrating a lot for a whole hour.”

Jungkook had been texting and calling me ever since I had arrived home. It all started during my first night, then it continued the more I responded. His text would come nearly every hour of the day and he would call me when it was night time. Sometimes I would reply to him right away, only to make him stop texting me for at least an hour or so.

I looked at my mother, noticing her waiting for my reply. She had always been curious about everything, especially after the accident. I remembered her crying at the hospital, feeling angry at herself when she found out what happened. When she realised there were a lot of things about me she never knew about. And she hated the most when she felt like I had become a stranger ever since I left home.

Ever since then, it seemed like she would never leave me alone. Always asking me things about college life, about my relationship with Jungkook, about my friends, and most of all, always wanting to know who I talk to on my phone.

‘It’s nobody’, was the answer that I wanted to give her, only to get her off my back and let myself breathe for a moment. Her attention was starting to smother me and had become too much. But I knew that I could never lie to her.

“It’s, um—Jungkook,” I told her as I set my cell phone down on the counter, grimacing when I saw the way her eyes flickered with sadness for a moment. She covered it pretty quickly by forcing a smile.

“Oh,” she said as she looked away, switching her attention on her pots and pans all so suddenly. Everything suddenly turned awkward, and even as I kept my eyes on the bowl of salad I was stirring in front of me, I could feel her eyes on me. I braced myself for the question that was about to come. And after a long silence, she finally threw it at me. “You’re still talking to Jungkook?”

She was not even looking at me then. So I was literally staring at the back of her head when I answered, “Yeah, we talk once in a while. But that’s it.” I heard her let out a hum as an answer, and I suddenly felt the need to explain. “He’s just worried about me, that’s all. He feels—responsible.”

“He should be,” my mother suddenly snapped. “He should be sorry for the rest of his life.”

“Mom—”

“But I’m glad,” she cut me off before I even had a chance to say anything. “At least he does feel sorry. At least he’s showing his remorse instead of running away.”

“Did you think that he would have done that? Runaway, I mean.”

“Wasn’t that what he what he was doing then?” She turned, looking at me in the eye and said, “That was what started all of this, wasn’t it? You both had a problem, and instead of dealing with it like a man, he ran away. He just—” she stopped, shaking her head before she returned to her cooking. “Well, he did that. He chose to not be with you when you were supposed to find a way to fix it, to deal with your pregnancy. But at least now after everything had happened, he’s still around to know he cares.”

The tone of her voice may sound bitter. It was not hard to tell that she was still upset about the whole situation, and she was still blaming Jungkook for everything that had happened. But what she said somehow made me smile.

“How are you still able to look at things that way, Mom? I’m starting to think that you probably understand him and this whole thing more than I do. More than everyone else,” I said to my Mom. She was the first person I talked to who did not speak of the accident or talk about Jungkook with pure anger or by adding blame to either one of us in the same sentence.

She was silent for a moment, looking at the boiling food inside the pan as if it was holding her whole life, before she muttered, “I don’t. I don’t understand. I just know, that’s all.”

That was all she said. And the conversation ended there.

It felt like time was moving terribly slow while I was living at home. It was the second month since I left university and my flat when I was finally able to walk around without my crutches with me. Well, I still needed it once in a while, but I was able to move without it when I wanted to.

But the problem was, I was terribly bored. My mother constantly treated me as if I was a porcelain doll that might break anytime, that she never allowed me to do things on my own or to leave her sight. My father practically ignored me almost the whole time, or constantly scowling when he looked at me. My brother was never there, since he had to return to university to finish his final year.

And Taehyung—well, for some reason, he just never even bothered to call or text or even come to see me. The only contact he made was the day I left the flat and right after I arrived home. And then nothing. As if he just vanished into thin air ever since. I tried to reach out to him for the first week I was away, but when his response merely ranged from late replies to nothing at all until he stopped contacting altogether, I also stopped trying. I was determined to find out what was wrong and if he was somewhat angry with me. But I would not have any chances of doing anything about it until I returned to the university since he never showed any signs of coming home until the end of the semester.

In the end, Jungkook became the only companion I could lean on to. His text messages made me feel a lot less lonely and surprisingly entertaining that I started expecting them to come more and more. And his phone calls advanced from short calls to see how I was doing to long phone calls during the night that would only end when either of us had fallen asleep. He never stopped contacting me, his responses were never late, and he always made sure that I was comfortable enough to talk to him about everything.

Then one day, Jungkook suddenly appeared on my doorstep.

“Jungkook?”

I stood there on the doorway aghast, never expecting to see him there. He was still sending me texts a little over an hour ago, and made a short phone call to ask where I was. The thought of him planning to surprise me had never once come into my mind. I was only glad that I was the one who opened the door when he knocked on the door, with my father being away on one of his business trips and my mother resting upstairs.

While I was stunned and speechless of his sudden visit, Jungkook gave me a wide smile, his eyes glittered with joy despite him appearing terribly nervous about being there. “Hi,” he said, finally breaking me out of my stupor.

“H—hi,” I stuttered. “Um, what are you doing here? Wait, how did you get here?” I looked around, seeing his car parked outside of my home. When my eyes returned to him, I finally noticed that he was not there completely empty-handed. A bouquet of flowers—a mix of daisies and white roses, all my favourite—a box of chocolate and a small teddy bear covered his broad chest as he held them high in his arms. “What are those for?”

“For you,” he said, handing them to me with faint crimson cheeks. “I just—I couldn’t stop thinking of you. It’s been two months and I just want to see you. Those texts and calls only make it worse.”

I kept my eyes on the gifts I was holding tight on me, refusing to look at him when his words made my heart started pacing like crazy inside my chest. Clearing my throat while doing my best to hide my giddiness, I looked up to ask, “What’s worse?”

His eyes seemed dark as they found mine. “I missed you. And it gets worse each day every time I hear your voice.”

I never responded to his statement. All I gave him was a small muttering of, “Come in,” allowing him to enter my home.

There was nothing awkward between us during his visit. Hours passed by, and everything just went on smoothly. Our conversation flowed as if we were back to where we had started, back to when things had not been so complicated and before we were hurting each other. He mostly asked about my therapy processed, the progress I was making, and things I had been doing while I was home. And he told me things about what he had been up to. Never once did the conversation led to our lost or the accident. Those talks had filled the conversations we had right after I was released by the hospital, along with his apologies. And we had mutually decided that in order to move on, we would never talk about it again.

Although I could still catch his eyes lingering around my stomach once in a while, as if willing it to return.

I was also glad that even if he was still worried about me, he never once treated me as if I was made of glass. He still let me go around, from finding a vase for his beautiful flowers to preparing our drinks, and only fussed about me moving too much when he massaged my foot as we were talking together.

That was how my mother found us later after she woke up from her long nap.

“Hello, Mrs. Jung,” Jungkook greeted her when he noticed her first.

My mother’s expression was unreadable when I looked over to see her. She looked surprised, but she pushed her uneasiness away by giving us both a smile. One that did not quite reach her eyes. “Hello, I didn’t know that we got company. “

I carefully stood up, a little embarrassed about being caught in such a compromising position. “Did we wake you up, Mom? I’m sorry if we’re too loud.”

She only smiled, looking as uncomfortable as ever. “No, it’s alright. I didn’t notice I was sleeping so long,” she said, quickly looking away from us. “Oh, is it getting dark already? Why didn’t you wake me up? I probably should start preparing for dinner.”

Jungkook and I could only watch silently as she quickly made her escape towards the kitchen. I had noticed how she had been getting exhausted too easily lately that I had to make sure she would be getting enough rest while I was still around. Perhaps taking care of me had taken most of her energy. And it was then when I decided that it would probably be better for everyone if I returned to university and finished my study. Perhaps if I was away, I would also stop being such a burden to everyone at home.

After that short encounter, Jungkook was ready to leave, not wanting to make the situation getting even more awkward after noticing how his presence had made my mother uncomfortable. But my mother surprised both of us when she insisted that Jungkook would stay for dinner. The surprise continued when the three of us sat in the dining table and she was able to converse with Jungkook so lightly. As if the awkwardness that happened in the living room previously never happened.

But what was more surprising was the conversation we had later that night, long after Jungkook had gone home, when she suddenly asked me—

“Are you two getting back together? Or are you still with him?”

I was completely unprepared to answer the question that I diverted my attention to cleaning the table before I finally said, “No. We’re just talking. He won’t go away even if I told him to, so I just—let him. He’s just trying to be a friend and make sure that I’m doing alright. I guess it’s just one of his ways of getting me into forgiving him.”

“Will you? Forgive him, I mean.”

Her eyes seemed concerned. There was no doubt in my mind that she could see the uncertainty I was having. “I don’t know, Mom. I think I could. I mean, I’m starting to feel like I can forgive him, but it’s still hard not to think of the past when I look at him. One day, perhaps. I’m just going with it at the moment.”

As if the surprises that I had been encountering the whole day was not enough, what she said to me next was something that I had never thought she would ever give me. “Everybody deserves a second chance. Whether this second chance comes in the form of a friendship or a relationship, it is all your choice to make. Whichever it is you choose next, just make sure that he totally deserves it.”

I took my mother’s words to the heart as I finally returned to campus.

But before I started anything with Jungkook, the first thing I did on the day I arrived back at university was to look for my best friend. Which, unfortunately, turned out to be quite a hard task to do. It took me days, numerous texts and phone calls later to finally be able to get him to see me.

“Where the hell have you been?”

No matter how much I kept reminding myself to control my emotions, the frustration that had compiled after not being able to reach him peaked the day he appeared in front of me. If only he appeared at least interested in seeing me, perhaps I would be able to stay calm and talk to him like a decent being. But then there he was, sitting right in front of me with his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes wandering around, looking elsewhere but at me as we sat at a diner close by.

“I’ve been busy,” he said, shrugging.

“Busy?” I scoffed. “I remember you being busy. I know how you are when you are busy and I remember quite well how you would still at least answer my messages or calls. Hell, you never even contacted me to ask me if I was getting any better while I was at home.”

“Because I knew you’d be okay as long as you’re with your family,” he answered with a sigh, yet sounding uncertain himself.

“You don’t know that,” I muttered, and his eyes found me then. “Even if I was with my family, it didn’t mean that everything was doing good. I still needed you. You promised to be there and support me, and instead you just—disappeared.”

Taehyung said nothing at first, yet he kept his eyes on me, studying the frown on my face and lightly shook his head. “You are not the only one who has a problem, alright?”

“Then tell me! Talk to me and tell me what is going on with your life. It feels like I am losing you.”I pleaded to him, making him wince in his seat. “I thought we were best friends. We used to talk about everything and shared things with each other. I need you, Taehyung, and you have been there for me, so let me help you too.”

“You can’t—” He released a long sigh and brushed his face before looking at me. “I can’t let you deal with my problems too.”

I pouted. “That’s not fair.”

I watched his eyes narrowed. “You are the one not being fair. Stop pouting! You’re making me feel guilty.”

I could feel his resolve breaking apart that I had to bite the insides of my cheeks to hold myself from smiling. “Well, you should be. Do you have any idea what it was like to have no one to talk to? Someone who was not treating me like I was about to fall to pieces or sounding like they want to explode every time they’re talking to me?”

Taehyung raised his brows for a moment, before his gaze started softening. If there was anyone in this world who would understand what or who I was talking about, then the person would be Taehyung. “I’m sorry,” he finally said, looking down as he kept playing a straw on the table. “Sorry for disappearing. I didn’t mean to. I thought I should give you time to recover and deal with your stuff while I deal with mine.”

I nodded. “Yeah, I get it. But really, don’t you think that it would be better if we help each other?”

He shrugged. “I guess.”

Silence fell between us after. I only leaned back on my seat when he seemed to be mulling over our conversation, opting to wait until he was ready to speak first. It lingered until he sighed, his eyes glanced at me for a quick moment before he said,

“Your Mom called me to let you know that you were back. That you insisted to stay in your flat and try to start catching up before going back to classes next semester,” he said, while I perked up. “I, um—I actually went straight to your flat when I figured you must have arrived.”

“You did?” I frowned, “Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you stop by?”

Taehyung bit his lips and seemed hesitant for a moment. Then he released a huff. “I saw you with him.”

There was no need for him to explain what he meant when I immediately understood. “You saw me and Jungkook?”

He nodded. “Are you back together with him?”

Why is everyone asking me the same thing? I wondered when his question reminded me of what my mother kept asking me until the day I left home. “What? No—”

“Then why was he the one driving you back? Did he pick you up at home? Had he drove you all the way to your flat then back again?”

“I—” I started, not completely sure how to explain things properly. “He offered to do it. The only other option was for me to ride a bus or a train here because my Dad was still out of town and Mom wasn’t feeling so well. She’s been getting tired and sick so often because she had to work while taking care of me,” I told him. “And neither you or Hoseok was available to help too. I didn’t want to trouble my brother and you never returned my call.”

Taehyung’s face turned to grim and I knew that his regret had just multiplied. “So what? Are things okay between you guys? What’s happening now?”

I almost flinched when I caught the bitterness in his tone of voice. Almost. Yet I tried my best to not let him make me feel so small and so guilty of choosing the best option that I had at the time. What was he expecting me to do? “Yes, you can say that. I mean, I’ve forgiven him. And now we’re just being—friendly. And he’s been around to help and to support me.”

“To forgive does not mean to take him back and give him what he doesn’t deserve,” he suddenly snapped. And it made me terribly desperate, and tired, and so damn confused. Because here we were making a step of progress to mend our friendship only to have it moving two steps backwards the moment Jungkook was mentioned.

“I’m not taking him back,” I quickly said, not even bothering to hide my irritation as my voice sounded a little high.

“But you will,” he said, or rather, muttered bitterly. His voice was soft and broken that I could feel my chest tightened. But it was nothing compared to the look in his eyes. “I can see it in your eyes,” he continued. “It’s so obvious that you still have feelings for him. I see it now just as much as I saw it then when you looked at him right outside your flat.”

I looked away from him. Of course, I still had feelings for Jungkook. People would not easily erase how they feel for another, but that feeling had changed. Somehow I refused to explain myself to him that I just kept the thoughts to myself. “Why does it matter to you so much?”

Taehyung’s lips tightened into a flat line. “Because I know you! Because I care! Because I hate to see you hurt,” he huffed. “You always love with everything you have, so when you’re hurt, it’s like a part of you dies. It hurts when I see you that way.”

I felt tears welling up in my eyes, but I forced them away. Perhaps he was right. I did love Jungkook with everything I had and a part of me died when I was hurt. But it was killing me inside when I had to admit them out loud and to think that it somehow affected someone else. There was nothing I could say to him, so I just fell silent.

The moment I turned my eyes to see him again, I was able to mask away what I felt. Yet I could tell that he was still able to see it when he reached my hands, when he held them tight as he said, “Just remember this. He lied to you once. There is always a chance that he will lie to you again. Don’t make the same mistake twice.”

Between my mother’s words and Taehyung’s, I felt like I was being torn apart.

At one point, I had already made my decision of moving on, I have thought of the choices that I was about to make. But the more people were trying to tell me what to do, the more I felt like they had no right of meddling with my life.

‘Time will tell,’ each of them said, making sure that I would take my time before I would ever make any decision at all, that I would focus on my self-recovery—both physical and mental—before making up my mind. But what difference would it make when everyone around me kept pushing their thoughts on me and never allowed me to think for myself? To make my own decision that I knew what would be best for me?

It was then when I started to shut them out of my life. Well, not completely. I still allowed myself to hear what they wanted to say, but I had chosen to only listen to my heart instead of everyone else’s voices.

Meanwhile, as my relationship with Taehyung slowly returned to normal, my friendship with Jungkook also grew. At least, at the moment, that was how I looked at what we had then. A friendship.

The constant presence and his attention had been all the same compared to when he was supporting me during my recovery. He was always there to help me when I was trying my best to catch up with the courses I had been missing out on, and had always been so supportive of everything I was doing, not to mention terribly protective of me from any malicious rumours that were going on on campus. Despite his effort of trying to talk about ‘us’, which I had been trying to avoid, all we had ever done was spending time as friends.

But not due to the lack of trying.

He tried. So many times. Whenever I refused to have our ‘talk’, he took another turn by asking me out on dates. And what that also failed, he would somehow find other ways to spend time with me.

At the night I refused to go to the movies with him, he came by to my flat with popcorns, corndogs and a large bottle of cola, and turned on Netflix for us to watch together. On the other night, when I refused to have a dinner date with him, he still appeared at my flat, saying that he wanted to make sure I would have dinner by doing some cooking for both of us.

And those were only the most common things he would have done to make sure that I would somehow still ended up spending the night with him.

“You need to stop doing this.”

“Do what?” Jungkook merely glanced at me, sending me a quick smirk before he continued cooking. We were at my flat, at one of his usual tricks of getting me to have dinner with him. ‘Not a date,’ he said. ‘Just casual dinner.’ But I knew that there was something else up his sleeves.

“This,” I told him. “I know what you’re doing.”

“Of course, you would,” he grinned. “It’s obvious that I’m cooking.”

I sighed. “Jungkook.”

Neither of us continued to speak as he set up our dinner. He had insisted that I remained seated as he served everything for our meal and I decided to follow along, wondering what he was up to. When he finally took his seat in front of me, his expression quickly changed. His playfulness turned into somber and the tension in the room quickly grew tenfold.

“If you really want to know,” he started. “Then you must have remembered. I already said that I would wait for you. I’ll wait until you are ready to actually forgive me and we can start again.”

“No, Jungkook—”

“Tell me you don’t love me anymore,” he cut me off, never looking away. “Tell me that you don’t want me.”

“I can’t be with you. We’re supposed to be moving on with our lives,” I said, scoffing when a thought came to my mind. One that I then gladly shared with him. “Besides, you can’t possibly have been waiting for me. You can’t possibly tell me that you haven’t been seeing anyone else while I was away. You couldn’t even wait when we were together, what makes it so different now?”

I never meant to be so bitter or sounding so hateful. But perhaps since the pain of his betrayal was still there, the sadness and the broken part of me was still strong in me that I just let it slip out so easily. It was too painful to remember everything that I had kept it pushed aside for months. Saying it out loud and bringing it back only made it even more painful.

Yet the pain turned into regret when my eyes found him then and saw him clenching his hands tightly on the table.

“I was an idiot,” he said, gritting his teeth. “There is no justification of what I had done, or to how much I have fucked things up. But I will do anything, everything that I could to fix things. I will spend the rest of my life to ask for your forgiveness and show you how much I mean everything I said. To show you how much you mean to me.”

Jungkook kept his eyes on me, looking deep into mine all the while he was speaking to me. It felt too much that I had to look away. “Apologies can’t change what had happened, Jungkook. They can never bring back what we had lost.”

“No, I know they can’t. But, ______,” he reached out, taking my hand in his to get me to look at him again. And I did. “We can start all over. Start everything from the beginning and make things better.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but he stopped me. “I’m not saying anything about forgetting,” he quickly said. “I know it’s impossible to forget. And I don’t want us to forget about the baby. That baby was mine too. It was ours. And no matter how terrified I was back then that I felt the need to run away, it’s been hurting me too that we had lost it. I will always regret choosing to run instead of staying. But I can be better. I promise you, I will never again be such a coward and leave you alone during hard times. I will change. I want to change as long as I am with you.”

As I took a deep breath, a sob came out of me. I never even realised that I had been crying until then, and only then did I finally feel that my tears had already come flowing down my cheeks. My hand instantly tightened around his. This time, I kept my eyes looking into his when I asked, “Have you really never been seeing anyone else ever since we parted ways?”

“No,” he firmly said to me.

Swallowing the sob that was threatening to come out, I asked again, “How about when I was not around? When I was at home? Were you seeing anyone then?”

“No. Not once.”

“You can’t have been waiting for me.”

“I have,” he said, taking my other hand that was starting to clench. He was now holding both my hands and leaned closer. “I already said I would wait until you have fully forgiven me. I will only wait until you give me a chance. To give us a chance. And I will continue waiting until then.”

“What about—” the words failed to come out when a sob caught my breath. The memory of him with another person touching him made my tears flow even harder. “What about her? The girl you were with? Have you been seeing her? You were with her before, are you not going to go back to her again?”

Through my hazy eyes, I saw him clenching his jaw. “I already know who I want to be with. And that person is not her.”

At that moment, every common sense went out the door and so did all my insecurities. Suddenly, I could no longer hear my mother’s voice or Taehyung’s words in my head. All I could hear was Jungkook’s voice and the depth of his words. All I could see was the truth in his eyes, his gaze that showed me everything he was truly feeling for me. And all I could feel was my heart, how it longed for his love ever since the day I lost it.

The next moment, my body moved on its own. I was suddenly moving away from my seat. And before I realised it, I was on his lap, straddling his legs with my arms wrapped around his shoulder to hold him close to me. And everything else became irrelevant as my lips landed on his.

His body went still at first, never expecting to have me kissing him only moments after I had rejected his presence. I kept kissing his lips, ever so gently, but with the desperation that I had been feeling hanging on every touch. I was just about ready to pull away when one of his hands found my waist and the other sneaked up to the back of my neck to keep me close as he moulded his lips so possessively onto mine.

He devoured me with the same desperation as the one I felt, as if he needed me to breathe, taking the air I was breathing in return. His teeth grazed my bottom lip, quickly lapping on it when he heard me moan. The hand that was holding my head tightened as he thrust his tongue gently into my mouth, instantly deepening the kiss. I felt his arms around me, wrapping themselves around my body so strong that all I could feel was his heat, his heartbeat, every presence that was his.

It felt like an eternity before the kiss ended and he let me pull away. Yet it was already so hard to do and neither one of us wanted to part. All we did was kissing and holding tightly to one another, and already it felt like we were moulded into one. Opening my heavy eyes slowly to look at him, my heartbeat paced even more rapidly when I met his gaze. Right then, all so suddenly, my mind was made up.

“Did you mean it? Everything you said?” my words sounded incoherent when my mind was still buzzing with the heat that he had ignited in me and I was still gasping for breath.

His voice was deep and breathless as well when he answered, “Everything. I meant every single word. I love you. I am never letting you go, ever again.”

Pressing my forehead on his, I leaned down to kiss the tip of his nose and said, “Then show me. Show me how you are going to fix me.”

His gaze darkened. He moved both his strong hands to hold me tightly so that I would not fall as he stood up with my body hanging on his. I instantly tightened my arms around him and my legs around his waist, never looking away from his deep, loving eyes as he carefully carried me away to our bed.

There was no turning back. But both my heart and my body knew what they wanted. And I wanted only him.

SERIES MASTERLIST

All Rights Reserved © 2018 Yoonia

Disclaimer: All works are written by myself. Any copyright infringement, reposting on any other social media or website, and any act of plagiarism will be dealt with legal action

[chanquil]

home in your hands | bang chan

soulmate!au reimagined in nine different ways

Pairing: Bang Chan x reader ft.3racha, 00’ line

Genre: soulmate!au, fluff

Length: 4.2 k

Warning/s: profanity, male x male pairing

Description: Many find out who their soulmate is when the new year arrives but you’re just here trying to survive your friends’ crazy antics before you go crazy yourself.

A/N: Just a little warning before you continue reading – if you’re here for some good old romance between the pairing...there isn’t that much in here. After writing across countless nights, the fic is mainly focused on nostalgia rather than a lot of fluffy moments. I hope everyone will still be able to enjoy it though, and any criticism or comments on my writing is totally welcome. Also, if it starts getting weirder the more you read it...I honestly have no idea what happened lol. Enjoy!

“God, I know we planned this out already but doesn’t this scream ‘my soulmate is part of a cult’ kind of vibes?” The stupidity of this whole plan is finally sinking into you.

To sum it up, your group of friends decided that it would be a swell idea to wait till midnight altogether on New Years Eve in case of a soulmate switch. Since all of you were born in the year 2000, the switch could potentially occur to any one of you, and the nosy boys you call your friends wanted to witness all of this in the front row. And here you are, begrudgingly sitting in a circle with Felix on your left, Hyunjin on your right, and the brat who came up with the idea sitting across from you.

“This is the main reason why Seungmin disagreed to partake in this festivity but screw him, he can suck it ‘cause we’re geniuses for having this idea!” Jisung exclaims loudly, pumping his fist into the air with too much excitement.

Usually you would ignore his hyperactive state but your agitated behaviour causes you to flinch slightly at his loud voice. “You’re making me regret not choosing to ditch like Seungmin did.”

“Hey, we all already agreed to this so let’s just have some fun before midnight approaches guys,” Hyunjin chimes in, passing around the bag of chips in his hands. He has always been the pacifist of the group, the one to stop you from sucker punching Jisung in the stomach for his stupidity.

You reluctantly take a hold of the bag, shoving your hand inside and proceeding to munch loudly on a handful of chips as you glare at your three friends. Hyunjin grimaces, face contorting as he just shakes his head at your antics. However, what disappoints you is that Jisung and Felix still have a huge grin plastered on their faces, irritating you even further as you meticulously wipe the flavouring off of your fingers.

“Now remember, close your eyes when it strikes midnight,” Felix chimes in, smiling impishly in your direction to see if you would yield to his request.

You sigh reluctantly, accepting your reality. You’ve always found it hard to say no to Felix. Last Winter break, when you were all over at Hyunjin’s house, hot tub running to relieve the cold chills, he had whipped out a bottle of bubble bath soap. You knew it was a disaster just waiting to happen, but the over-exaggerated pout on his lips meant that you had no choice but to say a reluctant yes. It was hard to look Hyunjin’s parents in the eyes when they came home to a backyard filled with bubbles branching off into the shrubs and flowers.

“Remind me why I agreed to join this again?” you rhetorically question. Hyunjin nudges your knee with his hand, smiling softly at you when you reciprocate with a small smile of your own.

“C’mon! It’ll be fun,” Jisung coerces, still smiling proudly as he turns to fistbump with Felix. You sigh once again but give in to their ridiculous ideas.

“Man, you guys are a bunch of losers,” you exhale out. “But I guess I’m one too.”

The three beam at your words, cheering in enthusiasm at your compliance. They’re getting louder by the minute, so in an attempt to calm them down before midnight comes and surprises you all, you speak up over their chatter. “Hey! Boys, calm down now. If midnight passess whilst this chaos is happening and I switch places, I think my soulmate would run for the hills.”

Hyunjin at least has the decency to sheepishly duck his head down, scratching the side of his neck in embarrassment. Felix and Jisung, however, don’t seem even slightly embarrassed but they calm down in favour of whipping their heads to the clock hanging on the wall. It’s 11:59, the second hand calmly approaching 12.

“Holy shit!” Jisung starts to panic. “It’s almost midnight. Guys, prepare yourselves!”

You’re staring intently at the clock’s face as the seconds tick by. Thirty three...thirty four...thirty five…

“Okay! Remember! Close! Eyes!” Hyunjin’s words are coming out in short huffs, eyes drilling into the carpeted floor.

“If I switch, please say good things about me to my soulmate,” Jisung pleads, clutching his hands together in desperation.

Forty seven...forty eight...forty nine…

Felix looks like he’s shut down and stopped functioning as his eyes blankly register nothingness. It’s causing concern to arise within you but the ticking seconds bury your worry for later because hey, what’s the likelihood of you switching anyway?

The clock ticks a second before twelve as you whisper under your breathe a small, “Happy New Year, dorks,” and then you flutter your eyes closed.

+

A second passes after midnight and you immediately open your eyes. The harsh lighting momentarily blinds you as you blink a couple more times to get used to it. Once your vision returns, you are met with a large computer with what seems to be an audio programme running on the screen. The sensation of a mouse in your grasp is pulsing through your fingertips, the feeling of your grip so different than usual.

What actually surprises you is the coarse feeling of your hand which contrasts what you’re so used to. It’s rough but also smooth, like the weight of their life was heavy on their hands but their conscious caused them to be cautious of the concept of time. You slowly raise your hand, spreading your fingers apart as you inspect the deepened veins lining all across. You’re admiring the artificial light that is seeping between the cracks, outstretched towards the ceiling in awe.

The door abruptly opens. You whip your head towards the sound and are met with a man that you’ve never seen before, chest heaving slightly as you maintain eye contact with him.

You don’t recognise his face, the curve of his jaw and the dip of his nose not anything you’ve glanced at on the street at all. He’s adorned in black clothing, from top to bottom, all looking two sizes too large for his small frame.

His eyebrows scrunch up in confusion. Doubt shrouds your sensibility as you second guess whether this is where your body is supposed to be. The thought of potentially being the soulmate to a robber in action terrifies you but your ridiculous thoughts are dampened when the boy across from you speaks up.

“Uhm, hi.” He pauses, hesitancy written in his facial features. Maybe you’re the scary boss to this petrified intern who looks close to passing out. “I was wondering if you could tell me what the address of this place is?”

Now you’re very confused. It doesn’t seem like the person standing across from you knows who you are, or more specifically, the body that is in front of him. It’s even more confusing that he doesn’t know about his whereabouts when he’s already in the vicinity. You can only come up with one plausible reason to this situation.

“Did you, by any chance, switch bodies with your soulmate...?” you tentatively ask, afraid that your assumptions were wrong.

His eyes light up by your statement. “Yeah, I did. Was it that obvious?” he says, chuckling softly under his breath.

You grin as you say, “Just a little.”

“Well, I don’t know the name of the face you’re seeing right now but my name is Seungmin. It’s nice to mee–”

“What– Seungmin?” you abruptly cut him off, very surprised by these turn of events. “Is that you? It’s me, Y/N! I switched too!”

A look of recognition flashes across his facial features and although the face in front of you is not familiar, the small glimmer in his eyes and widened mouth that exudes happiness is.

“Holy– that means our soulmates know each other,” he says, excitement radiating off the foreign body to your eyes. “Have you seen yourself in the mirror yet? Because I’m dying to know what my soulmate looks like.”

“No, not yet.” You lightly touch the defined jawline, fingers dipping gently across the collarbones before swiftly retracting your hand. It feels too private, too invasive to be touching any skin even though it is technically your own right now.

“Aren’t you curious about what you look like?” he asks, noticing your hesitancy.

“I don’t know. This just feels a little bit too invasive, you know?”

“Hey, relax. Remember, it’s just your soulmate.” He grips your hands and looks up into your eyes as he adds, “Plus, it’s only for an hour.”

“Yeah, you’re right.” You breathe out shakily before shaking away the doubt. “On the bright side, I feel great in this body without having to look at my reflection. How do you feel?”

You would say Seungmin is very lucky considering that this man is his soulmate, the sharp jawline and feline eyes encapsulating a mysterious but intriguing aura to anyone who would take a glance at his face.

“I just feel...shorter than usual,” he huffs out.

This amuses you but before you can retort, vibrations course through your body and interrupt the conversation. You fumble, lightly patting your sides before reaching into the jean pocket and fishing out the still vibrating phone. An unknown number is flashing on the screen but you see no harm in picking up, so you swipe and accept the call.

“Hello?” you hesitantly say. You’re attentive to every sound that you hear on the other line as Seungmin (in his soulmate’s body) stands stoically in front of you, curiosity getting the best of him as he eases forward slowly.

“Hey! Chan, it’s me. Changbin!” the person exclaims. “I know you might not recognise my voice bu–”

“Oh, don’t worry. I recognise your voice,” you respond calmly.

“You do? Do you know who my soulmate is, Chan?” You’re too busy pulling the phone away from your ear to hear the rest of his rambling. You’re looking directly at Seungmin, an evil grin plastered on your face. He’s skeptical, eyebrows knitted and demanding to know what your words mean to the unknown person on the other line.

“I think I just heard your soulmate, Seungmin.” You’re still grinning widely at him as you try to contain your excitement.

“How would you know–”

“I hear your voice.” You’re pointing at the phone still in your hand, the faint noise of rambling becoming background noise for the two of you as you stand there in silence, patiently waiting for Seungmin’s response. If you were to strain your ears harder to pinpoint the chatter, you would be able to pick up the words hey, where did you go and tell me who my soulmate is bro, all distinctly in Seungmin’s tone.

“...Oh.”

It’s amusing seeing Seungmin so astounded. Usually he is the calm and collected one of your group, making the plans so that they don’t fail in the hands of Jisung or Felix and always the one to keep you in tow when you get roped up in their antics. He was the one who had thoroughly apologised to Hyunjin’s parents when the bubble bath incident happened whilst Hyunjin was hiding behind you for a shield. He had somehow miraculously got them to smile at the end of the day, and Hyunjin was left not scolded. So seeing him like this, mouth still slightly open and eyes a little distraught, is a little out of the ordinary.

“Here.” You pass the phone to him, waiting patiently until he grabs a hold of it and hesitantly puts it to his ear. Conversation flows between the two, soft whispers uttered because Seungmin still seems to be in awe about the whole situation. He ends the conversation with a reluctant bye, hanging up the phone before passing it back to you.

“I’m gonna go meet up with him at my apartment,” he says after a moment. Although he seems composed, there’s a small smile creeping in the corner of his mouth.

“Alright then,” you reply enthusiastically. “I’ve got a soulmate to go meet too.”

+

Chan rubs his tired eyes and the next thing he knows, he’s staring at Jisung. He’s perplexed, confused as to why he is in front of him right now when he was just seated at his computer, frustratingly composing on New Year’s Eve.

“Jisung, I thought you weren’t coming in tonight,” Chan ponders aloud, the words escaping his lips with ease. The words flow out after his mind formulates the exact sentence but the tone of his voice catches him by surprise. It’s so different, so fleeting in comparison to his hoarse voice that mellows out in tired whispers.

The first time Chan felt a difference in his voice was when he was fourteen – an age of growing adolescence and awkward two second glances with his crush across the classroom. He was a late bloomer, a small bud that skyrocketed in height and appearance in only a few weeks over Summer break.

His mother had doted on him during his growth spurt, pinching cheeks while whining cutely that he was growing up so fast and was no longer her little baby anymore. His father would joke around and say that he would outgrow him at this rate and that he would start wearing insoles from now on. His younger siblings teased his voice cracks but also envied the drastic change.

His friends were the most shocked. Start of Summer break, he was a tad shorter than the others and voice squeaky like a rubber duck. By the end of it, he had grown to be taller than both Jisung and Changbin and his voice was more mature, smoother around the edges.

The change in voice definitely helped with his vocals. Jisung was so shocked by the difference that he jokingly said, “Why don't we start our own group now that your voice is like this?” and that's where it all began. His abrupt change in voice had sparked the creation of a trio that would pave their own future.

So maybe that's why he isn't as shocked as he should be. Maybe this abrupt change in voice is a sign that the future will be a bright one, just like how it is with 3racha.

He finally becomes aware of the different setting – the brown, withered couch behind Jisung and perfectly hanging clock on the wall is a sight he's never seen before.

“What are you talking about, Y/N?” Jisung questions slowly, eyebrows knitted in confusion. “We agreed to do this altogether, remember?”

Chan shifts his view across the expanse of the room, figuring out the situation through the two strangers beside him and the room that he's never stepped foot in before. “Oh, I think I switched bodies with my soulmate,” he says too casually that he surprises even himself. The prolonged waiting had caused him to become nonchalant about the whole soulmate body switch.

“Oh my god, really Y/N?? Who are theyyy??” Jisung yells out very excitedly.

“No Jisung, you idiot,” Chan sighs out. “I'm your friend's soulmate, not Y/N themself.”

Jisung jumps slightly, edging a little further away from Chan. “H-how do you know my name then? Are you pranking us, Y/N?”

“It's me, Chan.”

“Wha– Chan?” Jisung pauses before saying, “Prove it then.”

“What’s happening, Jisung?” Felix questions, peering cautiously at him. “Who’s Chan?”

“You want me to prove it…?” Chan questions at the odd proposal, before grinning evilly. “Alright then. You asked for it.”

Hyunjin has been silent the whole time, still trying to take in the situation. Felix is still sceptical, and Jisung is still wide eyed, waiting for Chan's response.

“You tell all your friends that we haven't shown our faces to the public because we want privacy but really it's just because you just want to be like Hannah Montana and, as she says, ‘get the best of both worlds.’” Chan gives Jisung a sneaky look.

“That's...very interesting…” Hyunjin says hesitantly, pointing a lopsided smile towards Jisung.

“Ca-can we just ignore that please?” Jisung closes his eyes, embarrassed to look anyone in the eye.

“Do you believe it's me now?” Chan questions.

Jisung reluctantly gives out a, “Yes.”

The atmosphere is a little awkward after the odd information but Chan just sits there with a smug look on his (soulmate’s) face.

“So…” Felix starts. “Want to see Y/N’s baby photos?”

+

You’re just outside of your apartment complex, hand raised just a few centimetres shy from the wooden door. The walls of the complex are covered in lilac coloured wallpaper, various patches across the expanse revealing it’s true shade of brown underneath. You feel just like these walls, too exposed and vulnerable, too attached to the comfort of the fading disguise.

Hesitancy is still apparent in you but your eyes discover comfort in callous edges of the hand in front of you. Although this is technically your body as of this moment in time, it isn’t yours when the minute hand ticks pass the little 12 scratched on the clock overhanging your beat up couch just on the other side of this wall.

This doesn’t mean you’ll never see this body again though. Or so you hope.

It’s hard to admit but you’re already attached to your soulmate’s body. Not because it’s able to make people on the street turn heads and have their stare linger for just a little longer than normal. Nor is it because you feel stronger, more built with muscle than your usual lazy self who would triumph for getting out of bed for once.

No, the reason is rather simple. This body, this being, makes you feel reassured, comfortable even within foreign bounds. There is a sense of familiarity and relief that washes over you and makes you feel as if the big, scary world of becoming an adult that is portrayed to you isn’t as bad as you feared it would be.

When you were seven years old and your mother was cleaning out the fridge, your siblings had managed to clamber you inside without any qualms. What you didn't expect would be the feeling of darkness that would engulf you when they closed shut the door. It felt overwhelming, like the outside world was so distant from the place you were trapped in. So you did what you could at the time – bawl your eyes out until your mother opened the fridge door.

And that feeling, the feeling of that fleeting fear consuming your whole conscious, was what you thought the world from that moment on would be like – that the adult world would envelope you in fear and discomfort.

But you don't feel any of that right now in your soulmate's body.

The fear of the unknown scares you, but the fear of losing your soulmate scares you even more.

You finally build the courage to knock on your apartment door, three times in a row, followed by two quick knocks, like usual. At the start of your final year in high school, Hyunjin had become obsessed with making his own secret handshakes. After giving in to his pleading eyes and trembling pout, you let him come up with a silly handshake between the two of you to satisfy his obsession. But this only fueled his creation as he then came up with a secret doorknock, just for the five of you to use when visiting each other. Doorbells became irrelevant when Hyunjin would give glares to anyone who didn’t opt for the knocking, which he dubbed with the name “The 00’ line banger”.

The complex walls are far from soundproof when you knock, evident by the clear reverberation of the sound in the corridor. You also hear the fumbling and hurried footsteps rushing to the door, which swings open a few seconds after. It’s Jisung, huffing with eyes downcast and hand still clutching the door handle.

He finally sweeps his face forward, eyes going further up than what you’re used to. You realise, belatedly, that it is because you’re in a different entity, a different body structure than what you’re used to. You’re only a few centimetres taller than Jisung in this body but the need to look down rather than up for once causes you to crack a smile.

Recognition flashes past Jisung’s face as he immediately shouts out, “Chan!” before realising his mistake. “Wait, I mean– Y/N! You’re here!”

He pushes you into your apartment complex and quickly closes the door before dragging you into the living room. And that’s when you finally see him.

Well actually, you see yourself. You’re looking at your own body, your own flesh and skin right opposite of you. The hair that you comb through every morning, the comfy sweatpants you opted for today, and facial features that you see every time you look in the mirror, all there right in front of you. It feels so surreal, like you’re floating in the air in a dream.

You finally snap out of your reverie but begin to panic when you witness what is in front of you. Your baby photos are spread out all over the floor, albums splayed open in all their glory. You scream, launching yourself towards the floor, hurrying to pile the photos altogether. Your cheeks are beginning to heat up as you avoid eye contact with your soulmate (which is technically your body at this point).

“W-whose idea was it to bring these out?” you nervously shout, attempting to remain composed as you straighten your spine. “I'm gonna beat some sense into you.”

Felix squeaks at that statement. “S-sorry Y/N...It was my idea…”

You stare directly at Felix and once again get captivated by his trembling pout. “It's...fine, Felix. I forgive you.”

Felix yells out a triumphant whoop. You sigh because you can't seem to get truly mad at Felix's antics.

“Sorry about looking at your photos without your permission.” It's really odd, you think, hearing your own voice. It sounds familiar but also foreign, a little deeper than how it usually sounds when the words flow smoothly out of your own mouth.

“Oh, don't worry about it.” You're still shifting the photos messily into the album, hands clambering at every piece. “I'm fine with it.” You pause, finally having the courage to take a glance at your soulmate. “As long as you'll show me yours later on.”

You quickly duck your head down, missing the small smile that graces his (your, to be precise) lips. “Okay, that's a deal then,” he replies nonchalantly.

You finally finish placing everything back in the album's, ready to carry all of them back into your room. However, you're stopped by a hand that dips down and takes half of the load. Looking up, you see yourself, but really it's your soulmate who speaks up to say, “So where do you keep these?” This gives you no other option than to pick up the rest of the pile and lead him towards your bedroom.

You settle the albums on your desk, before motioning for him to do the same but one of your baby photos comes tumbling out. You instinctively dive down for the picture. Your fingers glide to the corners, but your hand brushes against his. You look up into his eyes and blink rapidly out of shock.

And suddenly, you’re looking up at a stranger. But you look down at your still touching hands and find familiarity in the hand that you were once controlling just a few seconds before.

You tentatively raise your head back up, maintaining eye contact with him in silence. So this is the face to the name that people have been calling you for the past hour. Chiseled jaw that you remember touching, droopy eyes that captivate you, and curly hair that makes you reach out and touch in a daze. It’s just as soft as it looks.

He chuckles at your actions, causing you to quickly withdraw your hand (which is thankfully actually your own body now) but he stops you, bringing your hand back to his hair.

“Don’t worry, I like it when you do that,” he says. He has a devilish smile on his lips as your cheeks burn furiously. He lets you continue patting his head gently as he holds your other hand, drawing patterns across your palm.

And everything just feels right in that moment.

+

The studio lights are the first thing you see when you wake up. Its intense lights are piercing your vision, momentarily whitening your view as you groggily arise from your slumped position. You feel a slight tug at your wrist so you look down at your hand, the sight causing a gummy smile to appear.

Chan’s hand is clinging tightly onto your own, hard enough for you to barely escape its clutches and soft enough that you can feel how delicate you are to him, even to his sleeping form.

You admire the deep veins running along his hands, down towards his wrist and forearm. It feels so surreal that just a few months ago the sensation of his hands were literally running through your own fingertips.

You press a soft kiss against his messy curls, lingering for a second as a small smile graces your lips. You mumble, words tumbling out but incoherent to him in his unconscious state.

“Yeah...This feels like home to me.”

☆ body switch: where you switch bodies with your soulmate for an hour on new year after the younger of the two has turned 18 - bang chan

[officially-tonynat-shrine]

How the world works

Ok, so this is my very first one shot and I'm fucking excited for it. This is for @captain-ariel-barnes 4k writing challenge (Congratulations on that one!❤️). Criticism- good or bad- is welcomed because if I intend to continue I need tips. I am hoping that you like it! Also, there are a lot of time lapses. And it's long. Probably boring too since it has very less dialogues. (I was also supposed to post this on Steve's birthday buuuttttt--- eheheh)

Summary: Soulmate AU wherein the first sentence spoken appears on the left arm one to three months prior the first meet and vanishes immediately after.

Pairing: Steve x female reader // Timeline: Set after AoU

Warnings: Swearing. Foul language. Weird swears (that's on me, I'm sorry). A little OOC Steve??, nonsensical logic, // Words: around 3K, I guess?

----•••----

The 21st century was progressing faster than ever. And not only in terms of time. People were catching up with the technological advances; some easily whereas some were just coping. Steve considered himself in the second category. Anyone who knew him would definitely agree. After all, that's what happens when one decides to take a nap and wake up 70 years later.

The sudden boost in the living conditions, the sky rocketing buildings and especially the immense development in technology and science baffled him to a great extent.

But in all of this chaos, Steve found solace in the fact that soulmates still existed. It was one of the few terms he was already familiar with. Some things never change. And he fervently hoped that this never would either.

He was sitting in the common room of the new headquarters when Sam barged in. Steve looked up from his iPad and raised his eyebrows, silently questioning his partner. Sam opened his mouth and all but panted for more oxygen.

"Sometimes I think you are the old man, Wilson." Steve smirked at his friend's discomfort. "Shut up, Steroids. I got wonderful news."

Steve bolted upright upon hearing those words. They has been searching for Bucky for quite some time now. Sam recognised the anticipation in his eyes and the former's grin fell slightly.

"Sorry, Cap. No word about Weiner's whereabouts."

"I- Will you stop calling him that?!"

"Hey! We needed a code name so that people won't understand who we're talking about!"

"Yes! But" -Steve let out an exasperated sigh- "never mind. What news was it?" "I found her," Sam grinned. This was the first time he had seen Sam smiling so widely. He knew what the man meant immediately.

"Your soulmate?" "Yes." "Which store was this again?" Steve smirked. "This was the 36th store I had visited. Har har, Steve. So funny." Sam deadpanned. "I bet you'll do the same when you get yours," he added.

Steve's smile faded as he took in Sam's words. "Prepare to lose then, Birdman." He shot Sam a weak grin. Sam's shoulders slumped as he joined Steve on the couch. "Come on, man. Everyone has a soulmate! Why would you think that you won't meet yours? And" -he raised his hand stopping Steve from answering and continued- "if you think that they'll be bothered about your job then dude, you need to think again. You're Captain fricking America!"

"It's not that, Sam." "Then what is it?" "I know that I won't be seeing words etched in my skin because they don't appear twice."

Steve sighed as his fingers grazed the words on his left arm again. It wasn't necessary to know who his soulmate was when he knew he was going to get rejected anyway. Who would want a 90 pound asthmatic riddled with all the diseases in the world as their soulmate? Heavens, he couldn't even walk five yards and not get beaten into pulp.

Did you have something against running away?

Peggy Carter was one of the few people that encouraged him to keep going. He knew she wouldn't look down upon him. She wouldn't edge away in disappointment. Yet, his confidence -or lack thereof- kept him from talking to her. Then, he was taken to the lab. There, in that car, the words on his left arm vanished. And he knew that he was the luckiest of them all.

"Something's bothering you." Her voice brought him back to the present. He had immediately left for the hospital after the encounter with Sam. She was basking in the glow of the sun. He knew that what they had was now lost forever but his love for her never diminished; nor did his respect or admiration.

He smiled, trying to word his thoughts. He should have known better than that. She had always understood him even if he hadn't said a word.

"You'll find someone, Steve. My husband wasn't my soulmate, yes. But we bonded over what we had lost and we truly loved each other. That's all it requires. Faith and love."

"I don't know if I can give them the best life, Peg." "Then don't. If someone loves you wholeheartedly, then they'll love every quirk, every weakness and every strength of yours with their whole being. And when they do that, they accept you the way you are. Not the way they want you to be. All that will matter is to be by your side and lead a life together."

Steve smiled uncertainly, silently hoping that maybe -just maybe- he'd be able to achieve the same happiness his soulmate had experienced. Back in the 40s, Steve had cherished the thought of having a soulmate. A better half, figuratively and literally in his case, to spend the life with. He had been ecstatic, extremely so, when Peggy had spoken the words. But his bliss had not lasted long. The events of the war had not only taken away 70 years of what his life could have been, but also the prospective of growing old together with his soulmate. And now that he was confronted with the options of either loving someone who could eventually find their soulmate or living his life alone, he did not know which one was better.

••••×ו•••

Three weeks had passed after his chat with Peggy. After a rigorous training session with Wanda, Steve had settled comfortably on the couch and was checking out the current internet slangs. When his forearm started pricking, he assumed he must've been sitting still for too long. Nevertheless, he didn't move. A few moments later, his arm pricked again.

At first, he passed it off as an itch. Then, when the pricking persisted, he recognised the sensation. He dropped his iPad on the couch and ran towards his room. As he rolled up his left sleeve he could feel the itch subside. His heart dropped. The words had filled his forearm. He stared at the black ink. Fate was cruel. And far more so to him. His heart sank as he eyed his mark. The very first word was another man's name. He did not even bother to read the rest. Wrapping a spare bandage so that it covered his forearm, Steve swore never to look at it ever again.

||»»||

When (Y/N) was younger, she had always wondered how she'll meet her soulmate. She had heard wonderful anecdotes from near and dear ones. She would eagerly await her maternal grandparents' arrival. Their stories about soulmates were always fascinating to her. Her favourite was certainly the beautiful tale of her grandparents' meeting. But all of it changed when she turned ten. When her mother met her soulmate.

(Y/N)'s grandparents were lucky enough to have met their spouses at an early age. Her parents were not so fortunate. Simply put, they were not soulmates. Her father had met his soulmate but fate had snatched them away from him. His wounds were still fresh when he had met (Y/N)'s mother. They had been cautious about their feelings for each other due to obvious reasons. (Y/N)'s mother had waited patiently for months for her soulmate mark to appear. When months turned into years, they couldn't deny the inevitable attraction they felt. Within a year of marriage, (Y/N) was born and their family was happier than ever. That was until her mother's mark had appeared.

By age fifteen, (Y/N) had two dads whom she loved equally and a mom whom she loved unconditionally. She thanked the Lord everyday for such caring and understanding parents. But now, at twenty four years of age, she had started to wonder whether her fate would be like her father or her mother.

•

She wasn't exceptionally late for her evening shift- only by five minutes. She was sure that her boss would excuse her for her slight tardiness. (Y/N) started folding her pyjamas when she felt a jab in her left arm. She dropped the cloth and yelped. As she drew her arm nearer for better view her eyes widened.

"What the fuck?!" (Y/N) was positive that her screams had reached her neighbour's apartment but she couldn't care less. She scrambled around and picked up her phone to call her boss.

"Hey, Francine! I'm so sorry for such a late notice but I won't be able to make it today. I'm really not feeling well. I'll make it up by working extra tomorrow, I promise. Can I take a leave today, please?"

After being assured by Francine that there was no need to work extra the next day and to take care of herself, she cut the call. Hastily grabbing a jacket she ran out of her apartment praying that her best friend would be home at this hour.

(Y/N) rang Claire's bell three times and waited. She had called her up on her way to the latter's house and explained the situation briefly. It would have hardly been a minute when she heard a string of curses from inside the house. The door opened to reveal Claire with an anticipating look on her face. She pulled (Y/N) in and shut the door.

"Did you really get your mark?!" She screeched happily.

"Hi, (Y/N)! I haven't seen you in so long! You got your soulmate mark too! I hope you two live happily, (Y/N)!" taunted (Y/N).

"Oh hush, you finally got your mark!!! Will you show it to me? Please?" Claire begged.

"Patience, my dear Claire." The former teased her friend.

"Oh please, I'll learn to be patient when you learn to swear less." "Touché."

(Y/N) rolled up the sleeve of her jacket and thrust her arm in Claire's direction.

"What the fuck! Who even speaks like that?!"

"I know, right! I just hope whoever they are, they turn out to be drunk. That's the only plausible explanation to this." (Y/N) frantically points at her mark.

Claire was pleasantly surprised by her best friend's mark. Out of all the hilarious marks she had seen or read about online, this had to be the most absurd. Nevertheless, she vowed never let (Y/N) live that down.

••••× Five Days Later ו•••

Tony had decided to visit the new facility and Vision had taken to giving him a tour of the newly renovated spaces.

Wanda and Vision, both, had noticed something off with the Captain for quite a few days. He would always be agitated. Quite a few times, Wanda had even managed to get him startled and she recalled that every single time she had touched his left shoulder. They had consulted with Sam, who himself was worried about his friend, and had decided that they'll all talk it out of him during dinner. Tony being present had added to their manpower. Consequently, the billionaire was made aware of the plan too.

Dinner was usually a loud affair in the new Avengers Headquarters. But that night, the awkwardness could be sensed from a mile away. Steve was getting irritated by their vague behaviour. At last, he broke the silence.

"Alright, which one of you is going to tell me what happened?" Wanda and Sam had been eyeing each other for the past five minutes.

Sam cleared his throat before asking, "What is up with you, Cap? You are always distracted. Have been for almost five days now."

Steve's eyes widened at the accusation- however accurate- Sam had thrown at him so blandly. He composed himself as quickly and shook his head, refusing to open his mouth lest he blurted out everything. The futile exchange went back and forth for a few minutes until Tony, who had quietly been watching, spoke up.

"Listen, Spangles. We are all worried about you. And if you deny anything these three have said" -he waved his hand at Wanda, Sam and Vision, before continuing- "then I'll tell you want they have been wanting to say but can't just because they respect your stupid ass decision to not speak out. I call bullshit. Cap, if you say that you haven't been acting weird then I'll kindly remind you that this building is run by F.R.I.D.A.Y who'll be more than glad to show footages of anything I ask. Look," he sighed, "we are a team, man. And if you don't trust us then we can't help you. You'll have to open up, dude."

Steve stared at Tony, overwhelmed by his speech. He blinked a few times and sat straight, clearing his throat in the process.

"Okay, I- Look, this is- well, extremely weird and I, I didn't want to burden you guys. But-" "Spit it out, Steve." Wanda reprimanded him lightly.

"My soulmate mark appeared a few days ago." He put his head in his hands and sighed defeatedly.

•

Laughter rang across the room as Sam tried to support himself on the dining table.

"You have got to be kidding me," he barked out amidst coughs. "Do I look like I am kidding you, Sam?" Steve snarled. "My god, Cap. I want to meet this person. They sound wonderful," Sam wheezed.

"Sure, I'll tell them that you're a fan of their work methods." "Stop sassing me, old man."

After a hour of relentless pestering, Steve had undone his bandage and read out his mark- or had at least tried to read it out aloud, before turning red in embarrassment. Wanda had tried to avoid laughing in his face but Tony was laughing so hysterically that it set her off too. Steve's only consolation was that Vision was smiling apologetically at him. As he tuned out his surroundings only one question lingered in his mind- How was this possible?

||»»||

(Y/N) had almost completed her evening shift when she heard the shop's bell ringing. She looked up from the shelves she was arranging and plastered a smile to greet the newcomer. It did not last long.

"Andrew." She seethed.

"Why, hello (Y/N)." The man in question drawled amusedly.

"What do you want?" (Y/N) couldn't avoid the distaste in her voice.

"Can't I drop by to say hi to you?" Andrew flashed a smirk. Annoyed, you quick to reply.

"Well then, hi to you too. Now if you're not going to be buying anything then please leave."

"Ah,in that case, I happen to remember something I had to buy!" He threw a sly, victorious glance at the woman and sauntered towards the grocery aisle. (Y/N) bit her tongue. She had dug her own grave and now she had to lay in it. Furious, she went back to rearranging the shelves.

||»»||

Steve was craving for a few hours of peace. After the eventful dinner, Steve decided to retire early and returned to his quarters. He sat on his bed, resting his head on the wall for a few minutes. He remembered storing some of Thor's infamous Asgardian Mead in his room. He took a bottle out from the wine cabinet and downed it in one go. Wrong move on his part but he wouldn't regret it until later. Yearning some clear air, Steve grabbed his hoodie and walked out of the tower. He informed F.R.I.D.A.Y. of his plans and exited the compound. He walked onto the busier streets and scanned a few shops hoping to find one without many people. The night crowd was chattering away, not sparing a single glance at him. As he neared the quieter end of the street he peered inside a modest general store. He thanked his lucky stars and entered the nearly empty shop.

||»»||

(Y/N) did not hear the door bell chime as she muttered angrily under her breath. But she did hear footsteps approaching her. Her thoughts immediately went to Andrew, and, without releasing that he had already left the shop she spun around and spewed curses at the poor unsuspecting soul.

"Andrew, I swear if you as much as open your mouth I'll cut your dick and shove it in your fucking mouth."

"OMG, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to- wait what?"

Steve's jaw slackened as he registered the words the employee had uttered. He tried to subtly observe her. She looked beautiful. Of course, as he later reflected upon his thoughts, his opinion would be considered biased.

The duo hurriedly checked their left arms only to see the last trace of their soulmate marks vanish.

It's him. It's really him. (Y/N) gaped at the burly man in front of her. He looked familiar but she couldn't place her finger on it. The man lowered his hoodie and she couldn't help but gasp.

"You're fucking Captain America!" (Y/N) yelped.

"No, you mig- NO, no! I'm sorry, ma'am! I shouldn't have barged in like that." Steve mentally slapped himself for trying to crack such a vulgar joke. He made a mental note to not drink so much of the Mead and to stop spending time with Sam and Tony when they were drunk.

(Y/N) raised her eyebrows indicating that she had caught onto the unintentional innuendo. She tried not to laugh when Steve became all flustered and stumbled apology after apology.

When Steve heard her giggle, he stopped blabbering and glanced at her.

"Okay, how about we forget what happened and start afresh? Hi, I'm Steve." He smiled at her hopefully and extended his hand.

A smirk formed on her lips as she shook his hand, "Oh no, we most certainly won't forget it. I'm (Y/N)."

•••×ו••

It had been a month after they had found each other and Steve and (Y/N)'s relationship was evergreen and blossoming. Steve had taken (Y/N) to meet the Avengers. Much to Steve's dismay, they had bonded over making fun of him. The unfinished innuendo was now a running joke amongst the heroes. And although Steve would never admit it, he secretly cherished the fact that his family and his girlfriend - gosh, he still couldn't stop the smile from adorning his face at that thought- got along so well.

(Y/N) had kindly returned the favour by introducing Steve to Claire who, after the initial shock (and fainting which she would deny until her dying day), was over the moon.

Andrew was surprisingly never mentioned again and the pair was happy to keep it that way for sometime.

But as the days passed, Steve's thoughts dwelled on the impossibility of the situation. He was growing more anxious to know the answer to his query.

"You're killing me there, Cap. What's bothering your old brain?"

Steve broke from his reverie to see Tony standing in front of him. There was no one else in the common room that day, to Steve's astonishment. He sighed and signaled Tony to sit down with him.

"I still don't get it, pal. Two soulmates for one person? Is that even possible? The more I think about it, the more it feels as if this will be snatched away from me."

Tony regarded Steve's words and said, "You remember what you had told me after Ultron? Outside the facility?"

"That I wasn't sure about a family?" Steve scrunched his eyebrows. "Yeah, I do. But what does that have to do with this?" He asked, puzzled.

"Remember you had told me that someone else had come out of the ice? See, soulmates compliment their partner's souls. Not the physical body. You may look like the same person, even behave the same but your soul has changed, hasn't it? You see things very differently than the way you did before. Granted, this happens to others too but the magnitude isn't as great as yours. Your outlook on the world and yourself has changed drastically. Okay," Tony waved his hands around, " this isn't making much sense, but maybe that's how the world works. You've been out of the ice for quite some time now and (Y/N) has always lived here. There was a heavy chance that you could've met before. But your mark appeared only after you accepted that the person you are now and the person you were before are not at all the same. Then, Peggy complimented your soul. Now, it's (Y/N)."

"I think I do get it, Tony." Steve smiled at him. "Maybe that is how the world works."

[aikainkauna]

Fanfic trope meme

Apologies to those of you who see this for a third time, as I’ve crossposted it to both LJ and Pillowfort. Feel free to comment over on there (or my other posts) if you like. And of course, feel free to grab this one and do it yourself, if you like.

***

Grabbed this meme from a couple of people on LJ. It's... well, apparently about fanfic tropes. Some of them more terrifying than others.

I have written:

-Hurt/comfort (Yeah, baby! Most of my fic is this.)

-Body swapping (Sort of? Souls slipping into each other's bodies for a bit? Jaffar feeling what Yassamin feels? Sex swap, I've definitely done.)

-Soulmate identifying marks (tattoo, red thread of fate, etc) (I have! The Throne of Solomon. And maybe The Past Forgotten counts, in its way. I may have written more, but I forget.)

-Snowed-in cabin/isolated together for extended period of time (The Jaffar/Pwinzezz Cavefic!)

-Found families (I guess the Samarkand gang counts for poor old Fadl? Even if Jaffar *is* his brother, so technically it is his family. But he does have his religious congregation and Zainab, and is... well, he always does seem to be seeking something, so he's the kind of guy to go for this trope.)

-Fairy tale/mythology AU (And not just when I am  writing in *actual* fairytale/mythology fandoms. Which I am doing most of the time, what with Thief of Bagdad being a 1001 Nights fanfic anyway. So I'm writing fanfic about a fanfic of some age-old RPF (fantasy AU!) about historical figures from the late 700s/early 800s...)

-Enemies  to friends to lovers (Yes, please! Aplenty. I'm surprised that  enemyslash/FoeYay/Hero(ine)/Villain(ess), whatever you want to call it,  isn't mentioned on this list.)

-Characters swap roles AU (Uh... I've written sexual switching in some isolated chapters? Like when Laura  briefly doms Torsten in The Fall of Angels, to help him get over some traumas?)

-Friends to lovers (With RPS, Veidtbone in particular, and Theta/Koschei. This also seems to happen whenever I write femslash.)

-Magical  connection (telepathy, etc) (Doctor/Master basically ruined me for all  my other ships what with their telepathic ability. So that now, it feels less interesting for me to write love/sex that *doesn't* have telepathy.)

-Fake dating/fake marriage accidentally turns into feelings (see next trope)

-Royals/political marriage turns into feelings (These last two are pretty much the same thing in ToB, as I've had Yassamin marry Jaffar a couple of times--like The Past Forgotten and The King's White Falcon, but without him laying a hand on her for up to a year, until she finally grows a brain and realises how loveworthy he is after all.)

-Seemingly unrequited pining (Emphasis on the "seemingly." Jaffar's unrequited   pining is painful enough in the movie, so there's no point in making him  suffer any more.)

-Accidentally fell in love with the mission target (Well, *kind of,* what with Torsten. Lars-Erik was definitely his mission target in the original film, and at the start of Because The World Belongs to the Devil, he made no bones about having wanted to kill Laura Erika [the teenage girl version of Lars-Erik in this AU, to those of you just joining in] when she was born.)

-They break up (but then they get back together) (With Jaffar/Fadl.  Fadl's stormed off in a huff at least twice in the past. And Doctor/Master is always the same old on-off car crash, isn't it? Although this is not a favourite trope of mine, as the setup would usually necessitate them being an existing couple in the first place,  and I tend to not write canon or "plausibly lovers" ships because   they're already happily together. What do Two and Jamie, Holmes and   Watson etc. need me for? They're already as good as married. Let them have their happiness.)

-Supernatural creature/human romance (Sort of. I've written Time Lords/humans, humans/djinn at least. And surely wizards count as supernatural romance, anyway?)

-Reincarnation/'25  Lives' AU (What's with the 25 lives? Is this some big fandom thing again? One of the darkest, most fucked-up fics I ever wrote was the Master killing the Doctor during sex and fucking him as he regenerated around him. As you do. And there's reincarnation in one of my Jaffar/Pwinzezz fics,  but I won't spoil it for the new readers by telling you which one it is.)

-Selfcest (possibly due to time travel) (I am scratching my head trying to remember when I wrote this and in which fandom, but I have the distinct feeling I've written it. I've certainly whacked off to  that World Of Simm!Masters clusterfuck what with the pink dress so many  times I... I think I broke two clit buzzers during that time. I've certainly drawn it. And drawn some Connies on Connies. And then there's, of course, Sarosh the Sexbot  who's a clone of Jaffar, looks-wise, but he is very distinctly just a robot, not a living character as such--not the sort with which you could  have a real, interpersonal dynamic. My problem with selfcest, in general, is that I like having that character dynamic--and that requires  the characters to be different from one another. If it's two characters  that are too similar--if they fulfill a similar role in the canons--it's hard to create a dynamic between them and to make it   interesting.)

-Polyamory (Swinging away ALL the bloody time with the Roses!Jaffar and Yassamin, and Torsten/Laura. Sometimes I miss the monogamous 'verses.)

-Amnesia (I've got a post-movie "Jaffar comes  back from the dead" WIP I'll probs never finish, because it doesn't seem to get off the ground. If I wrote this trope, I would have the characters gradually regain memory, though; complete mind-wipes are   horrid. I did have Handy lose the majority of his cognitive/motor/Timey skills in No More  and that was the main reason I had to... well, I'm not going to spoil it if someone hasn't read it yet, but it wasn't the cheeriest of fics. The Past Forgotten *sort of* has this, but I don't want to spoil as to how that happens.)

***

I could write:

-Daemons (Why the archaic spelling? I have written djinn, so I almost put this in the 'have written' section. I can't remember if I actually *have* written real demons, because I might have. Surely, Torsten counts...)

-'Everyone is evil'/mirrorverse AU (Well, mostly, if I want to explore "evil"   characters, I write about those types of characters in the first place, without having to turn anyone evil. Devilry is the 'verse for that. Hell, usually it's the other way around; I try to look for the human elements of the baddies, or at least explore their logic--what makes them tick, what makes them the way they are. So, IDK, I could've also   put this in the "unlikely to ever write" section.)

-And they were roommates! (This would be terrible and also hilarious, whatever characters ended up becoming my victims. Even if I'm more interested in those hurt/comfort plots, overall. And I have always found it *impossible* to live under the same roof with other people because I need peace and quiet and solitude too much. So this is almost a bit too much like the sorts of negative RL experiences I don't really want to get more of in fic.  But I *could* write it as a comedy for cheap lols, especially if the stress were resolved by hot bonking, ASAP.)

-'They  all work in an office' AU (Otherwise, I would've put this in the "just  no" category, but... the Barmakids were civil servants. So I *could*   write Jaffar and Fadl drowning in paperwork--"WHY DID WE EVER introduce paper into THIS EMPIRE?!?" and cursing their fates and Jaffar restraining Fadl from braining Harun al-Rashid with a paperweight. Same with Lina doing Zainab's books and trying to hold back The Fist of Death when Fadl carelessly drops a piece of his lunch over her perfectly calligraphied accounting.)

-'Falling for a coworker/teammate is a bad idea' except this is fiction so it works out (Maybe. Just maybe. But it'd also be in a medieval ToB context.)

***  

I will probably never write:

-'Groundhog  Day'/karmic time loop (I just never got the appeal of this. Sounds like the sort of thing experimental writers would like? The sorts who really  like filling in bingo cards and challenge lists?)

-Vampires/werewolves  AU (I'm not that big on either. Super-unpopular opinion coming up: I prefer sex to the sublimation of it that vampires are often all about; bloodsucking in lieu of sex, and/or being seen as way better than sex just always feel to me like a cheap cop-out from writers who are disappointed in sex, or afraid of it. I've never grokked it any more   than that stupid, stupid "chocolate is better than sex" quip from women who don't know what masturbation is--yes, it fucking well is sex, TYVM! I much prefer to make partnered sex better than it is IRL by adding supernatural stuff like telepathy to *that*. Immortality alone is interesting to explore, as are Gothic themes, but all the usual themes that vampires *specifically* usually represent just... either hold little interest for me, or then, I can explore them in other ways.)

-'Pride  and Prejudice' AU (I don't hate Jane Austen, but it's not my fandom. That kind of society stuff and being witty over teacups in bonnets has never really been my thing--if anything, I usually have my characters exist in their own bubble, isolated from society and its restrictive mores and social stresses.)

***

JUST NO!

-Coffee  house AU/food service AU (AUGH! Please, no coffeeshop AUs for me; the world is full of them already. Maybe I could write it as some terrible, short parody? Or doodle it? But no more than that.)

-Hogwarts AU (Haven't read HP. Young Adult isn't really my genre. I know, I know; I've just lost all my WLW cred.)

-High  school/university AU (I've done Time Lord Academy-era stuff with Doctor/Master, but I expect this means a sort of American high school/university AU with jocks and cheerleaders and shit. Hell, no. Again, the exact sort of horrid society stuff I would rather have my characters escape from.)

-Adopting/raising a baby (Erm, not unless you count Jaffar/Yassamin adopting a cheetah? They do have kids in some 'verses but there's none of that everyday baby stuff that this question/trope probably implies. I'm squicked by   babies, sorry.)

-Unusually specific occupation AU, like, the Author clearly has the same job (It worries me that this is, by virtue of its inclusion here, apparently seen as normal and acceptable..? When it's crap fanfic, inserting yourself into something that should be about the *established* characters instead. Jesus, I don't want to go in expecting a fanfic, and then find out it’s your diary instead! Unless you're Anaïs Nin. And even if you really *do* want to write about yourself, then just... write original fic? An autobiography? A blog? Write an OC that has your job. Don't do this false advertising where you insist it's fanfic when it's not. That's a dick move towards your readers.)

-Loyalty kink (see next trope)

-Alpha/beta/omega (Too creepy. I can write about piss, shit, incest, necrophilia and cannibalism, but not these last two. Any more than I can glorify the Nazis I've written about; I either take the piss out of them, as with Strasser, or just step outside of their politics and bring them into the land of happy sexings like with von Kolb, with the aim of dragging him out of that madness and leaving it behind.)

-Hot single parent(s) (Please. Rundvik: "You love children." Torsten: "I loooooathe themm.")

-Unrequited pining (Too much of an emotional squick. Has to be requited. I write fanfic to fix things, to avenge wrongs, to set things right. I don't write them to make the characters more miserable than they already are. Unless it's for temporary, character-development purposes, that is.)

[boy-banders-writings]

Meant To Be

Group: SF9 Member: Taeyangie! Genre: Fluffy-angst because that’s all I’m good for. Soulmate!AU, non-idol!Taeyang, and some mess; collegeAU because I’m trash Request: Yes! Hello~ I saw that your requests are open! Could you do your take on a SF9 Taeyang scenario? Maybe something involving the soulmate trope of being able to see what is written on your soulmates skin on your own :) //I fell in love with your recent Taeyang scenario and just had to see more >< Length: short|medium|long-ish|idk man A/N: This has been a WIP for a while & I hope whenever it is finally posted you enjoy it, thank you for requesting. I really hope everyone understands it takes so long because I’m a college senior who has none of my shit together ever! *nervous laughter*

At the age of fifteen, all of you kids were told about the soulmate system if you guys didn’t know about it already. They had an Elder come in and explain it to the room full of rowdy kids what the system is, how it works, how each of them will find their soulmates one day.

It didn’t really interest you at first, in fact you thought the system was rather dumb. You didn’t get to choose who you loved, you were assigned someone who was “perfect” for you. Whatever that meant. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to find the person you’d end up spending your whole life with because you wanted too so badly. Your parents had showed you early on in your life just how wonderful the system could be. They were the perfect example as to why you secretly could not wait for your turn. They were happy together, they were a support system for the other. They were the poster couple of a happy and healthy marriage.

However there were always downsides, your soulmate was assigned to you and it was a societal standard to marry when a couple found each other. It was taboo to marry someone that was not your soulmate, yet there were plenty of stories. One person had fallen in love with another, they would have created a life plan even if they knew in the back of their minds it could fall apart. Then a soulmate would show up or happen upon the couple. If both chose to stay together then the soulmate was left to be alone. That was something that scared you, meeting the love of your life only to have them want nothing to do with you. Those horror stories stayed with you from the first time you heard them, always at the back of your mind.

Of course as teenagers no one took the system seriously. Everyone had a few serious relationships here and there, dating was mostly casual since parents were strict about the soulmate system. It drove everyone your age mad and  it wasn’t a huge deal until you turned 20 anyway. None of you teenagers could understand the need to be so proper about things when you wouldn’t even be able to start looking until then.

Because for whatever reason on your twentieth birthday you were able to see any mark on your body that your soul mate made on theirs. You essentially became white boards for the other. There were countless stories of soulmates sending messages via this system, leaving addresses on arms or names on hands, even numbers on hidden body parts.

The day you turned 20, you awoke with a scribble on the back of your left hand. It seemed to be a girl’s name and number. The audacious feeling that boiled in your stomach had sat with you all day. 

“Good morning birthday girl!!” Inseong busted into your room, a small wrapped present and a cupcake with a single candle.

“You’re especially annoying in the morning Inseong.” You groaned as your brother started to loudly sing to you, the pillow you put over your head not doing a damn thing.

“C’mon! You can finally see what your soulmate is up too!” Inseong was a hopeless romantic who ate the soulmate idea up, “You can find him! Her! Them!” You peaked up at him from under your pillow. “You know I don’t discriminate. Especially since I thought the guy down the street was mine.”

“I know Inseong.” You chuckled, remembering how quickly Inseong had accepted it himself when he saw a similar writing on the wrist of a guy in the neighboring apartment complex as his. “You were ready to propose to him the next week.”

“If it were meant to be, I feel I would have been very happy. He was a nice guy, but his soulmate is much sweeter than him. And that guy can cook!” Inseong set the cupcake on your bedside table and sat beside you.

“You still meet up with them?”

“Of course, almost confessing to a complete stranger lead me to Sammie.”

“That’s right.” You thought back to Inseong’s current girlfriend, who was more of a really good platonic friend where they both act like a couple because they haven’t found their soulmates yet. “How is she? She hasn’t been over lately.

“Her last message to me yesterday said that her workload was recently tripled because two coworkers quit in the same day and she’s currently dying.”

He moved you around and pulled you into a sitting position and started examining your arms.

“What are you doing?”

“Checking for signs of--AH HA!” He pulled the back of your hand closer to his face. “They’re a player? I’ll have to fix that.”

“Okay, keep the protective older brother in check please.” You tried to laugh it off.

“If your soulmate is a shitty person I’m beating the shittiness out of them. Now old still.” Inseong pulled a black marker from his back pocket and scribbled over half the numbers, in no particular order to render the number useless. Then he drew a weird looking animal out of the name.

“Why does it have to look so phallic Inseong?” You groaned, looking at the new mess on the back of your hand. “I have class in a few hours.”

“They’re already being a dick, so it’s fitting.” Inseong ruffled your already messy hair. “Just scrub it off in the shower, if it still looks like a dick afterwards I’ll draw something less, dick-ish.”

“I swear.” You grumbled. 

But you made a wish, blew out your candle, thanked your brother, and bounced off to the shower. After you had gotten yourself ready and managed to get most of the phallic picture scrubbed from your hand, you flew down the stairs to find Inseong in the kitchen.

“Eat before you go.”

He had prepared a simple breakfast for the two of you to eat together. After you made sure all you would need for class was on the counter by the door, you helped Inseong set the table and happily started eating.

“You think you’ll find them quickly?” Inseong was moving his food around, not really eating.

“I -- I don’t know.”

The atmosphere had taken a more solemn turn suddenly. You stole a glance at your brother to see him staring blankly into his bowl.

“It doesn’t really bother me if I do or not.” You shrugged. “I have a lot on my plate right now, and I have you.” You paused to grab his hand. “We have each other and frankly that’s all I need right now. But if fate were to bring whoever it is to me, then so be it.”

“I hope it would end up Rowoon ya know.” Inseong joked. “Zuho even, if it were someone we both already knew it’d be so much easier.”

“You and I both know I’d end up killing Zuho, he’s my polar opposite.”

“Opposites attract!” Inseong rolled his eyes.

“No, if you hadn’t drop Social Psych you’d know that’s not true.”

“Technicalities.” He waved it off. “What about Rowoon then?”

“He’s my best friend Seong, of course I love him but I don’t think I do in that way. If he ended up my soulmate I wouldn’t be upset it’d just be weird.”

“That’s understandable.” Inseong smiled at you, ate a few spoonfuls of food before putting his stuff in the sink and grabbing his things. “I took an early shift today so we can go out for your birthday. So don’t make too many plans after class and invites your friends, it’s on me tonight.”

“Alright, don’t work too hard, I’ll see you later Seong.” He waved as he slipped on his shoes and left the apartment.

Ten minutes later you were mirroring his actions and heading to the bus stop to meet Rowoon. He was half asleep as you tugged him onto the bus after you and found a pair of open seats. He mumbled a quiet happy birthday before nodding off, head on your shoulder. Knowing he was probably up late either working on assignments for his classes or playing games well into the morning with Zuho, the latter being more plausible. You wake him up at the stop outside the university and the two of you trudge to the cafe on campus.

“My usual please.” Rowoon told the older cafe worker behind the counter we knew as Jaeyoon. “And her usual, it’s on me today.”

“Ah! Morning kids!” Jaeyoon’s smile blinded you so early in the morning. “I’ll get them, just a moment.”

Jaeyoon jumped into relaxed action, doodling your names on two cups and going to work. Rowoon waited by the counter making lazy conversation with Jaeyoon as you stepped towards the display. There wasn’t a lot of baked goods out yet since the cafe had been open maybe an hour. You had been mindlessly wondering around the familiar cafe for only a few minutes when Rowoon called you over.

“C’mon (Y/N), our classes start in twenty.” You looked down at your watch an noticed it was in fact 7:40, your 8:00am class was on it’s way.

“Thank you Jaeyoon.” You smiled at him as he finished your drink on the bar just out of your sight. “Why are there sprinkles on it?” You tilted your head a bit to the side.

“Happy Birthday!” He grinned bright, presenting you a colorfully topped drink. “Rowoon made the request so blame him if it tastes funny.”

“Thanks Jae.” Rowoon rolled his eyes. “You could have just acted like you knew.”

“I knew it was coming up but with the extra hours I’ve been working the actual dates have slipped my mind the last few weeks.” He shrugged. “And the last time I tried to flare up her usual she didn’t talk to me for a few days, our (Y/N) is very particular.”

“It was a day, mainly because I was busy but believe what you want.” You  stuck your tongue out at him. “Inseong is taking me out to eat tonight and said I could invite some friends, when do you get off?”

“I’ll be done about 4 today, since I opened.”

“We’ll both be out of classes by then, we’ll meet here and you can walk back with us.” 

“Sure, that’d be a lot of fun, thanks kid.” He ruffled your hair.

“I’m in a decent mood so I’ll ignore that.”

“Okay you two, we have class remember. See you later Jae.” Rowoon tugged you away as the two of you were playfully glaring at the other smirks adorned on your faces.

As you bid your see you laters, you took your normal seat in class. Your creative writing class had an interesting array of students, from wide-eyed freshmen to stressed seniors hoping for an easier class amongst their major based classes. You pulled out you notebook and pencil, loaded up the slides on your ipad mini and took a few sips of your drink as the rest of the class filtered in.

The room was chilly like usual and you were thankful for grabbing a thin hoodie on the way out. You had tucked your hands into the pocket of your hoodie as you heard the usual classmates enter and take up the row behind you in the amphitheater-esk classroom. Without meaning to, in the rather quiet classroom you listen to the conversation going on behind you.

“Hwiyoung, did you finish the short story for class today?” A voice you’ve heard all semester sounded tired.

“I finished it yesterday after class, is that look saying you didn’t?” The studious younger guy behind you chuckled.

“Dawon wanted someone to go drinking with him and obviously you can’t go, and he guilted me into it.” A soft voice groaned from directly behind you. “I only got about half of it finished.”

“It needs to be turned in before the end of class, if you want to finish it I’ll take notes for you.”

“The notes are online but I’d appreciate that.” You heard him get settled and start up his laptop before you heard their loud friend, the one named Dawon enter the room.

“Taeyang, Hwiyoung, I’m gonna need notes from one of you, I need to sleep.” You rolled your eyes at that, this Dawon guy never took notes in class. Granted, the class was an elective for most and a seemingly decently easy class.

“Did you at least finish the short story?” The tone from Hwiyoung was doubtful, and his question was followed by a crunching sound.

“Of course, 750-word story? I finished that before I went out last night.” Out of the corner of your eye you say Dawon shoot them finger guns before he folded his arms on the table in front of him and thumped his head down.

“Incredible.” The disbelief in Taeyang’s voice made you smile to yourself.

The trio made class pretty entertaining with Hwiyoung always up to participate in discussion, and on the days Dawon is awake for the lecture he’s always making the 8:00am lecture more lively and enjoyable.

A few quiet moments later, aside from the quiet snoring from Dawon, the creative writing professor walked in at the bottom of the room and set up for class. You resigned yourself to doodling on the open notebook page when you felt a weird tickle on your left forearm. Like someone was writing on your arm.

After a moment and a quick glance to see if anyone was looking, you slid your hoodie sleeve up just enough to see in plain and quite pretty print a simple statement.

You can see me now

A chill ran down your spine. You soul mate was reaching out to you. The tickle came again as you watched the words appear on your arm.

Happy Birthday soulmate

In your neatest print you use the black pen to the right of your notebook to reply just under the last message.

I can uh thanks

You watch as a small daisy is sketched onto your arm and a blush rises onto your cheeks and you start to feel too hot in your thin hoodie.

I’ve waited for you for quite a while

Oh? How long?

Turned 21 in February

Just a bit older then

Only a year

You looked up every few moments to copy notes, the tickle on your arm making it hard to focus on the lecture but the thrill of actually talking to your soulmate sent your heart into an erratic beating pattern.

What are you doing?

Lecture, unsuccessfully taking notes

Am I bothering you?

No, the lecture is boring. What about you?

Trying to finish an assignment, also unsuccessfully

Already pretty similar aren’t we

You added a smiley face as an after thought because if this were a text conversation you’d have sent the laughing emoji. The conversation, if you can call it that, pauses as the lecture drones on. By the end of the class you realize how covered your arm is in this person’s pretty handwriting and yours.

In a haste to get to Rowoon to tell him you quickly pack your things as the professor dismisses the class, reminding the class about the short story due in ten minutes. You hear a grunt as Dawon wakes up and stretches and a successful sigh directly behind you. You don’t realize your sleeve is still up until you stand and see Dawon staring at your arm. In a sudden flush of embarrassment, you yank your sleeve down and shove your stuff into your backpack. Just as you stand straight up and turn to leave you come almost face to face with Taeyang behind you, who was leaning forward to get the rest of his things from the edge of the table just behind you.

As your eyes meet, for the first time being this close you can see how pretty and clear his eyes are. You’re so close to each other in this moment you could count his eye lashes. Dawon sees this but stays silent. Hwiyoung is who breaks up the moment by asking them if they wanted to grab something to eat at the campus cafe before their next class.

Embarrassed you run off, leaving the three guys standing there, Taeyang’s two friends trying to figure out what they missed.

You bolt towards Rowoon’s classroom to see him waiting and the two of you head off towards the Social Psychology class the two of you have together. As you walk across campus you fill Rowoon on what happened and show him the writing all over your forearm.

“Look at that? Barely old enough for this soulmate business to have taken affect and you’ve found them.” Rowoon smiled as he ruffled your hair much to your dismay.

“You know I don’t give the soulmate idea much pull in my life.”

“I know, but wouldn’t it be nice? To find the one meant for you.”

“I guess, but I don’t even know who they are. Inseong asked me something similar this morning.” You shrugged, as the two of you entered your classroom and found your seats.

The conversation dropping as class started soon after you got situated. Class flew by because you loved Social Psych, lunch went by quickly as well. Then your last class each, yours being a 3-hour lecture, went by surprisingly quickly and before you knew it you were back at the cafe to pick up Jaeyoon.

“Drinks are on me!” Jaeyoon giggled, raising his hand to catch the server’s attention. “I made bank on tips today.”

He quickly asked for a few bottles of soju, even though he knew that you wouldn’t drink nearly as much as the three guys around you. Meat was cooking and conversation was flowing. The stress from the day melting away from the group gathered around you.

“I know as kids we’re warned about eating dessert before dinner, but I brought this from the cafe for you.” Jaeyoon’s grin went to each ear as he pulled a small box from his bag and set it on the table before you. “It’s only right that we have cake in honor of the twentieth anniversary of your birth.”

“Why did you say it like that?” You giggled, covering your face with one hand as you opened the box with the other. “That you Jae.” You thanked him sincerely, eyeballing the cake before you. “It’s big enough for all of us to have some too!”

“I didn’t know what else to get you to be truthful, Seong here was suppose to go with me to help pick something out but this asshole doesn’t make time for me anymore.”

“Sounds like a lover’s quarrel.” Rowoon muttered, hiding the remark in his glass of beer.

“Sorry I’m late!” Zuho waves as he drops down in the open seat between Jaeyoon and Rowoon, giving you the biggest smile he can muster. “Happy Birthday (Y/N)!” And he slides you a gift, as he notices the situation.

You heard Rowoon’s remark and choked on the sip from your own glass of beer. The coughing fit draws the attention of the tables directly beside you and Inseong quickly apologizes as Rowoon pats your back holding back his giggles.

As you look up you see at the table directly ahead of you, your three 8:00am classmates staring right at you with two people you don’t recognize. For a moment, everything freezes before Rowoon smacks your back rather roughly and you shoot daggers at him.

“That hurts!” You whined, bending out of the swing of another pat when that tickle hit your arm again. “You shouldn’t be mean to the birthday girl.”

“Okay, quit playing the meat is done cooking, let’s eat.” Inseong pulls all the attention to him as he’s cutting the meat into a pile on a plate in the middle and putting more onto the grill. And the eating begins, the conversation dies down to occasional comments, like Zuho informing all of you that his dance classes he is teaching are going well.

The table straight across from you and your friends and brother keeps looking over after hearing your coughing fit earlier. You don’t notice because of the four guys around you keeping your attention on them.

“She’s in our class.” Dawon addresses quietly, metal chopsticks resting in the corner of his mouth, waiting as Hwiyoung and Chani finish cooking the meat.

“(Y/N)? Right?” Hwiyoung asks, looking between Dawon and Taeyang.

“Yea, that’s (Y/N).” Taeyang agrees quietly, focusing on the drink in hand.

“What class?”

“Creative writing Hyung.” Dawon looked from the table you were at to his friends around him. “The class Taeyang is always staring into nothingness during.”

“Nothingness?” Hwiyoung perks up, “He’s always staring at her!” He very obviously points at your table.

“Don’t do that!” Taeyang jumps and jerks Hwiyoung’s arm down.

“Oooooh! Is she really pretty hyung?” Chani teases, his back being towards your table and not having seen you.

“She’s the quiet type in class, very cute and studious. She’d put our Tae to shame with her grades.” Dawon teases Taeyang by pulling on his ear.

“All his stories are about her.” Hwiyoung adds, ducking when Taeyang goes to smack the back of his head.

“Ah, this is the girl you’ve told me about.” Youngbin rests his chin on his hand, watching Taeyang blush.

“Can we not talk about this here?” His friends watched in deluded joy as Taeyang’s face was pink.

“It’s her birthday.” Dawon’s tone is casual. “If you haven’t talked to her before, why not now?”

“We’ve have a few times before, mostly in classes we’ve had together.” Taeyang tries to play it off. “I wouldn’t even know what to say to her right now.”

“How about ‘happy birthday’?” Chani laughed at Taeyang’s discomfort.

“Here.” Dawon pulls the bag from his side and hands it to Taeyang. “Figured since you like her so much you can give her this for her birthday.”

Taeyang, under the watch of his friends around the table, very slowly peaks into the bag to see a small plastic box with a red velvet cupcake and a small bouquet of daisies and some other tiny yellow flower.

“Her favorite flavor of cake is red velvet and she likes daises.” Dawon chirped, feigning boredom.

“How do you know that?” Chani asked completely and blatantly shocked.

“We have a mutual friend. (Y/N) and I.” He shrugged, a glint in his eye. “Besides, something tells me that Taeyang here and (Y/N) would make a good couple.”

“The only problem here is she is surrounded by three friends and her brother, and they all look intimidating meaning Tae will never make it over there.” Hwiyoung pointed a chopstick at his older friend.

“10 bucks he does.” Chani stuck his hand out towards Hwiyoung.

“Really? Alright, 10 bucks he won’t.” They shook on it.

“I can help.” Youngbin stood, “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

The remaining guys at the table watched in shock as Youngbin walked over to the table you were at and sat down between your brother and a friend.

“Inseong?” Youngbin smacked your brother on the bak lightly. “I don’t think I’ve seen you since we graduated college!”

“Youngbin! Wow! What are you doing here?” Inseong spun around and gave the new face a quick hug.

“This is where some of my juniors frequent and they invited me here tonight, what about you?” Youngbin turned to face everyone at the table. “Hello, I’m an old classmate of Inseong here, I’m Kim Youngbin.”

“I’m Kim (Y/N), Inseong’s younger sister.” You bowed your head, greeting your brother’s friend.

The rest of the guys introduced themselves as Inseong sat there beaming.

“We’re here to celebrate (Y/N)’s birthday!”

You noticed the way Youngbin stared at your arm for a second, the arm that was still covered in the conversation with your soulmate throughout the day. He caught sight of a familiar hand writing before smiling to himself and focusing on your face.

“Happy Birthday (Y/N), my juniors were just saying that you looked familiar. Do you have class with any of them?” He motioned towards his table and everyone looked in time to see the four very obviously pretend they weren’t trying to listen in.

“I have a class with Dawon, Hwiyoung, and” You paused, locking eyes with Taeyang, “Taeyang. We have a lecture together.”

“So you do know them,” Youngbin’s grin seemed mischievous, “One of them heard it was your birthday and got you something but he’s too nervous to come give it to you himself. I know it’s your birthday and all but if you go over there he’ll give it to you.” Youngbin nodded behind you and as you looked up, Dawon left for the bathroom.

In the next moment Hwiyoung grabbed Chani by the sleeve and dragged him away, a wrap hanging out of Chani’s mouth. You once again locked eyes with Taeyang and you felt your entire body heat up.

“Oh, Inseong she’s blushing.” Youngbin loudly whispered to your brother.

“Go on.” Inseong encouraged, ignoring Youngbin. “We’ll wait for you to get back.”

“Alright, I’ll be back shortly.” With a deep breath and an encouraging look from each of the guys, you stood and moved towards Taeyang.

He quickly started scribbling a message in the card he found at the bottom of the bag. A quick happy birthday and well wishes. When he looked back up his hand froze because you were right in front of him.

“May I sit?” You gestured to the seat beside him Youngbin had previously been in.

“Go ahead.” Taeyang’s voice was quiet, just like in class. “I -- uh, here. Uhm... Happy Birthday?” He offered weakly, his cheeks and ears pink.

You looked down to see a cute card in one hand with a cupcake box resting on top of the card and a bouquet of daisies in the other hand. Shock was evident on your face at the thoughtful gifts, you hadn’t talked to Taeyang as much as you would have liked so you had no idea how he knew you liked these two things so much unless he made a lucky guess.

“Dawon helped pick them out. He uhh - he said that you liked daisies the most. I can’t take credit for the gifts. But please accept them.”

You gingerly took them from Taeyang, trying to control your own blush when you practically held hands as you took the gifts from him. You smelled the flowers first, daisies smelled so fresh and pleasant. They were simple and beautiful too. You looked into the cupcake box to find quite a large single red velvet cupcake with a little edible heart on the side. Then the note that fell onto the table caught your attention. You set the box down and cradled the flowers as you opened the card. His little message and the encouragement at the end made your heart swell a little, even if it wasn’t completely his idea it was still really sweet. 

“Thank you Taeyang, this was really sweet. Thank Dawon for me too. I appreciate the flowers and the cupcake so much.” He watched with a smile as you put the card into your pocket. “I must return to my brother and friends though, they get rowdy with my watchful eyes.”

“Of course.” Taeyang stood with you. “It was no problem, (Y/N). Uhm, happy birthday again.” He watched dumbfounded as you sent him such a pretty smile.

“I’ll see you in creative writing later?”

“Yea, of course.”

And then you were walking back to your table and Taeyang’s heart was beating so fast he felt it was going to give out. Youngbin apologized for interrupting and promised to call Inseong later that week and rejoined Taeyang at their table. Slowly the rest of the table returned, Chani was ten dollars richer, Hwiyoung was ten poorer, and Dawon seemed to be waiting for something to happen. Before anyone could ask him about it, especially Taeyang, they heard you gasp.

You stood back up and walked straight to Taeyang, a small card in one hand you hadn’t seen before. You immediately grabbed the sleeve of his jacket of his left arm and pulled it up to reveal all the writing that was a copy of the writing on your arm. You just stared for a moment, Taeyang started to panic because you weren’t saying anything.

You wordlessly pulled the sleeve of your hoodie up to show him your arm, a perfect match to his.

“How?”

“This.” You handed him the note you found hidden in the bouquet.

All it said was “Check his handwriting again” which definitely would have been weird, but when he looked between your arms he understood what it meant instantly.

“Dawon?” Taeyang spun on his heels, without force enough for you to let go of him. “How did you know?”

“I saw her arm this morning in class. I recognized that handwriting immediately. It felt too good to be true and I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity. Especially since you woke up me freaking out about the picture you woke up to on your hand.” Taeyang flushed again.

“Oh my god.” You covered your face, Taeyang had seen the dick drawn on his hand this morning. He must have thought you did that. “Inseong drew the dick this morning.” You admitted sheepishly, only to find yourself wrapped in a hug.

“I’ve waited quite a while for you.” Taeyang murmured to you. “Who would have thought that my soulmate would end up being the only person I’ve crushed on since high school.”

You moved to check your ears, had Taeyang just confessed to liking you? Liking you for an extended period of time? After a moment, you hugged him back, just burying your face into his chest and holding him tight.

“I don’t really believe in this soulmate stuff and I’ve heard you talk about how you don’t either but if you’d give me a chance, I’d like to try believing.” Taeyang asked quietly, trying to look you in the eye, but the focus flitted around a lot. “I mean, if you’re meant to be, we could alteast give it a chance right?” 

“I’d really like that actually.” You could only smile, things worked out surprisingly well, like it didn’t feel real.

The cat calls and hollers followed from the mixed of the groups you two had been eating with. Inseong and Rowoon were cheering the loudest, almost being overtaken by Dawon who single handedly was screaming.

“I knew you’d find them quickly.” Inseong mused, staring at the two of you with hearts in his eyes. “But looks like we need to take a talk, your name is Taeyang right?”

You chuckled when Taeyang gulped, ultimately agreeing to take things slow since the two of you weren’t too far into your college degrees. Even with the slow burning relationship you were happy, and the fact that this happened so quickly after being about to really see your soulmate, it felt like a 1 in a million chance.

[marzipanandminutiae]

I would like to hear the long weird story about the crush that may not exist, if you feel like telling us

Sure. Some of you are probably going to think I’m totally mad, and I well may be, but it is what it is.

First, you have to understand why I’m at all willing to entertain the idea that what I’m about to tell you might be true. I know I’ve said on here before that I’m pagan, that I believe in and sometimes practice magic. I’m not sure I’ve managed to get across how strong that belief is- or the fact that I believe because, given my life, I haven’t exactly had a choice in the matter. Okay, that sounds overly dramatic; nobody put a gun to my head and forced me. But from Civil War ghosts at my junior prom to childhood fae-related trauma to hooded figures in the backyard, I’ve experienced plenty of things that would have made a believer of me even if I had been the most adamant skeptic.

You can believe any of this or some of it or none of it, as you like. It doesn’t matter to me. And like I said, I’m fully aware that I could just be really delusional and/or prone to hallucinations. But this is where I’m coming from.

Right? Right.

So the whole crush story starts one summer in college when I was bored and decided to do a past life regression meditation I found online. One of the things I got, only briefly in passing, was “maid in the late 1860s-early 1870s who was in love with another maid in the same house, never told her, and died young.” Okay, I thought. Sounds more plausible than a celebrity past life. A fairly unremarkable person who had a fairly unremarkable time and did typical, unremarkable things for her era. If reincarnation is real, probably most people’s past lives are full of largely uninteresting stories like that. I set it aside and moved on.

About two years later, on the tail end of an amicable breakup that had probably been at least a few months coming, I did a spell to find the right girl for me. You never want to be too specific with love spells; consent is important, so it’s better to just set up a magical homing beacon of sorts and hope for the best. I did the thing and waited.

And then started having recurring dreams about a girl I’d never met.  Always the same girl. One time I could swear I heard her call my name when I was wide awake.

The dreams were strongest that one year and have since faded rather, popping up only intermittently nowadays. But they’ve been replaced with strong feelings of being already in love, with someone who definitely has a specific personality. I’ll see something funny at work and have my phone in my hand with my contacts open before I realize I have no idea who I was going to text. I’ll suddenly feel that giggly euphoria you get when you find out someone likes you back, out of nowhere and for no reason. Love songs have that feeling for me like when you listen to them and “you” has a specific meaning- except, of course, I have no idea who the “you” is.

It has occurred to me that I could just be fixating on a romantic ideal, in love with the concept of being in love. That’s definitely possible, so I’m still active on dating sites and staying open to the possibility of meeting someone through more conventional channels. I don’t want to lose myself or my chances for happiness chasing some soulmate AU that might not even be real.

But, well...I want it to be real. I want it to be the same girl. Who among us doesn’t like the idea of taking a sad story and giving it a happy ending, especially one so personal? Even if it’s just one unremarkable, unknown story among the millions that make up history. I have absolutely no idea how to find her, since I’ve already tried even magic to no avail, but I still hope I will.

So that is the long and weird story of the crush that may not exist.