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creativeashproductions · 4 years

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If I Stay Part One // Luke Patterson

Summary: A beautiful day Luke visits a record store to relive the times he would buy an album, but he finds more than memories. He meets you and a connection blossoms between you two and then Reggie and Alex as well. All is well until Julie discovers something.

Warning: Swearing, talk of death and car accident!

Words: 2.6k

A/N: This is based off the movie If I Stay and the movie Charlie St. Cloud. Sorry for not posting sooner, my sister in law along with my three nieces were in a car accident. Thankfully the kids are okay but my sister-in-law in currently in hospital due to minor injuries thus far.

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Masterlist

So, Julie’s life changed dramatically in the lost year and few months, firstly her family lost their mother. Secondly, Julie’s love for music faded until the melody and lyrics were haunting memories. Thirdly, after losing her place in the music program, she had to question her sanity. For in her garage lived three teenage ghosts to her disbelief and horror quite frankly; the ghosts grew on her so much she was in a band with them.

In the hours that Julie was attending school, the boys tended to tour the entire city. They enjoyed seeing the changes that had happened for the two and a half decades. Reggie really enjoyed the western-themed stores, even scaring a little girl with a floating cowboy hat that disappeared once on his head. Alex adored learning about the drastic changes within in the LGBTQ+ community, he had plans for when 2021 LA Pride came in June. Luke, of course, would go anywhere that had music such as music stores, record stores, concert venues and even followed a rock legend once.

“Ooh.” A voice spoke in the record store, “This would be the perfect gift.”

Luke turned to see you gazing at the Rock N’ Roll records with a passion in your eyes and an adorable smile that melted his heart. He couldn’t help but walk closer even if he had no clue if you could see him or not.

“Def Leppard? Definitely one of my favourite bands.” Luke spoke anticipating the usual one-sided conversation. His speculation shattered when you turned to face him with big eyes, “You can see me.”

You nodded your head, pushing your hands into your faded blue jeans glancing around the store, hoping the owner didn’t notice. To your relief the man was oblivious, Luke glanced over before stepping closer.

“You’re alive?”

“Mhm.” You spoke, removing a single hand to play with your burgundy jacket that cinched at the waist to give form. It was open to reveal a plain black shirt that left an inch of your midsection free, “I always wondered if ghosts were real. I got my answer.”

“This is so cool! My friend is the only person that can see my friends and me.” The grin was breathtaking on the teenage ghost. There was a connection between the two that was immediate and intense.

“At least you’re not alone.” You supplied turning to pick up the record, turning it around to read the tracklist. In the end, you decided you didn’t feel like buying it, replacing it you started for the front door.

A college-aged person walked in glued to the screen of the phone not replying as you mentioned a thank you before the door closed. Luke rushed to follow your steady pace in black hiking boots.

“Where are you going?” Luke questioned coming to the same stride as the girl that had taken his attention quickly. His interest had grown when he found he could hold a conversation with her.

“It’s a nice day. I thought I would go for a walk.” You replied, stopping to look around the street with curious eyes. Luke yearned for those eyes to look in his again because he swore he saw a galaxy in them, “Would you like to join me?”

Luke’s head was nodding in response with a new pep in his step as you walked down the street filled with all different kind of stores. Luke recognized Family Living Grocery store as the one that the Molina got their groceries, he and the guys had joined Julie on a trip once. It was one of his worst memories as a ghost, surrounded by snacks and food he couldn’t indulge in.

“So, what’s your story, Caspar?” You questioned stopping to look as at a beautiful dollhouse, “My cousin had one. We actually renovated it a while back for her unborn niece.”

“Caspar?” Luke teased, watching the nostalgia faded from your expression as you continued on the walk. His hazel eyes, greener at the moment, glittered at the different banter he had with you than the guys or Julie.

“Well, I don’t know your name!” You exclaimed turning the corner at a parlour with gorgeous stencilled artwork on the glass.

“Luke. My name is Luke. Hey! I know this shop!” Luke beamed, stepping back to take in the storefront. In the twenty-five years since he last saw it, the blue faded into a teal, but the door was still the same as it always was.

“You have a tattoo?” You asked, scanning his arms bare in the cut off shirt he wore. You couldn’t see any ink on his skin. Luke couldn’t help the smirk on his face at the blatant heated gaze.

“No. It was 1994. We just played our biggest gig at the time, and Bobby decided we should get tattoos.” Luke’s mouth twisted at the mention of his former friend, “Of course we were sixteen and Alex just about fainted in the shop. The guy took one look at Reggie and laughed at our fake IDs. Told us to come back in a few years.”

One of the few memories that weren’t tainted by the betrayal that Trevor Wilson had gone on to do a year after the tattoo fiasco. It was more than not being credited or his songs being stolen, but it was also that someone he wholeheartedly trusted turned his back on them. Luke frankly didn’t care how Bobby coped after that fateful night. Still, he changed his name and refused any mention of his previous music experience. That hurt a lot.

“So, you’re a ’90s kid.” You raised an eyebrow coming to a stop on the edge of the street, pressing the button to cross.

“Technically a ’70s kid. We died in ’95 a few hours before a life-changing gig.” The mood turned sombre as Luke thought back on that one night that life decided to raise both middle fingers at his dreams, “Death by a hot dog.”

The snicker fell from your mouth before you do anything about it but sobered up quickly in the view of his painful admittance.

“So, you’re seventeen?” You asked crossing when the crosswalk light flickered on. Your attention focused on crossing while listening to the teenager.

“Forever seventeen but I would eighteen physically, but if I had survived I would be forty-three.” Luke mused shoving his hands into his staple black jeans with the chains and his constant accessory of a blue rabbit’s foot.

“Oh, damn. I’ve seventeen as well.” You replied dodging pedestrians before humming a to a song you had heard recently but where you did was unknown. You didn’t want to bump into anyone.

Luke glanced down at his watch, somehow even in death it worked, noticing that it was around the time rehearsal would commence. The thought barely ended before a flash of light preceded Alex’s presence. You slightly jumped in response.

“Luke! Julie’s wondering where you are. We have rehearsal.” Alex was surprised that Luke wasn’t already at the studio. He was always the first one holding his guitar for the rest of them.

One glance at the girl beside Luke cemented a reason for his tardiness. Alex could see that you were the reason and a pretty reason too. Alex wished he had your jacket with such a beautiful colour, but the music was more important.

“Oh, man!” Luke panicked fearing that being late would cause Julie to leave the band after the whole school dance fiasco.

“So, Luke. I like your name by the way. I’m Y/N.” You greeted holding back from offering you a hand, your theory would have been proven correct. Ghosts can’t touch other people, all the movies portrayed that.

“Nice to meet you! I’ll find you soon!” Luke shouted seconds before Alex poofed them both away with a single hand on his bandmate’s shoulder.

A content smile appeared before you continued on your way, unaware of the lack of acknowledgement from people on the street.

The next few days, Luke would find you either in the record store or just out front during his free time. He hadn’t realized how lonely he was touring the music entertainment spots until he had your company. Soon you were joined by Alex and Reggie every once in a while.

The three were planning outings with their new lifer friend as Julie grabbed her songbook from her room. She was amused when the three wouldn’t shut up.

“What are you planning?” Julie questioned scanning their animated expressions, even taking in the slight change in Alex’s appearance.

Alex had a braided bracelet of the rainbow on his left wrist that definitely hadn’t been there yesterday. He even seemed calmer and less anxious, as well.

“What happened to Alex?” Julie questioned with a small smirk, “Did you bump into Willie?”

Alex shook his head, “No, Luke met this girl at a record store and then Reggie and I met her. She’s cool! There’s this app she showed us, and it had videos of anything you could imagine!”

Julie’s teasing smile faltered at the mention of Luke meeting someone before it returned once more. She pushed the feeling away as this girl had brought peace to the drummer.

“What’s her name?” Julie asked, pushing the songbook away to listen intently to the new piece of the boys’ afterlife. The three burst into stories of the girl.

“She took me to this cool place nearby where people store their horses!” Reggie burst out, clapping his head, “I already have a country song started! This is so a hit single for our future country album!”

Alex only released an exasperated sigh at Reggie’s idea that he voiced every single day since the beginning of the band. Luke was just used to finding sheets of songs from Reggie around the studio and often his songbook too.

“She also brought me a bag of clothing she had in her house that she let me go through. Apparently, her house is the place where cousins take their old clothing.” Alex supplied striking a pose in his new white sweater with a rainbow logo on the front.

Julie grinned at the positivity radiating off the two boys.

“Is she a ghost?”

Luke shook his head, “No. She’s alive.”

A spark of happiness flits itself inside of Julie before it dissipated because Flynn had already gently let the girl down about Luke.

“What’s her name! I’m gonna find her Instagram!” Julie took out her phone waiting as Alex supplied her the name. Her thumbs froze before she could type staring down at the black screen.

The name was familiar.

Laying on a bed on San Pablo Street was a girl with her eyes closed and a serene expression. This bed wasn’t just any bed in a home. Instead, this bed was one no one wished to be in. A bed with machines surrounding and right in the middle of those machines was Y/N.

The very girl that had met Luke, Reggie and Alex were in fact in the ICU of a hospital recovering in a coma.

“Why do you look like that?” Luke demanded as the colour drained from the lead singer of their band.

“Are you sure it was Y/N Y/L/N?” Julie gulped dread filling her veins as each boy nodded their head and the girl slumped, “I go to school with her. The thing is she’s been in a coma for two weeks now.”

You were outside the record store once more as the three ghosts appeared in front of you each looking the worst you had ever seen them.

“Did you lie?” Luke questioned stepping closer to the teenage girl that furrowed her brows in confusion, “You said that you are alive. Why did you lie?”

“Lie?” You asked, taking a step back from the odd energy the boys had. A look of distraught on each face, “What are you talking about?”

“Why are you here every day at this exact time. Never late, never early.” Alex questioned sick to his stomach as your brows came together.

“I- walk…” You trailed off thinking of the last week in deep thought paling as you had no recollection of going home or getting to the store. It was like you blacked out each time.

Actually, the last time you remember not being with the guys or at the store was two weeks ago.

“I don’t re…member.” You whispered, “I haven’t seen my family since…oh my god.”

Luke stepped closer, terrified as he reached out, hoping with his entire being his hand would go through you. It didn’t. Luke’s hand rested on your arm, still wearing that burgundy jacket. Your eyes flickered between his solid hand and the same outfit you wore for weeks now. Why would you be wearing a jacket and hiking boots in Los Angeles?

“My cousin had been saving up for a trip for her eighteenth birthday. She wanted to go skiing, so we split the cost between our families.”

As if a wall broke, you realized with horror that the college boy that hadn’t held the for you like you first thought. He hadn’t seen or heard you because in his world you weren’t there. No one had acknowledged you because they couldn’t see you just like they couldn’t see Luke.

“What else do you remember?” Reggie spoke up next, noticing that Luke was getting more upset. His eyes going so light the green appeared to be blue and glittered with tears and his heart dropping.

“My parents, my cousin and I were driving up the mountain in the rented car. There-“

Two Weeks Ago

Your head leaned again Lou’s head sharing the headphones connected to your phone blasting the carefully curated playlist. Lou had been living with your parents and you the last six months as her parents were travelling for work. It was a dream because she was like a sister already and vice versa; Lou as a surprise baby with her older sister being ten years older.

“We haven’t been to the slopes since we first got married.” Dad said glancing over at your mother in the passenger seat, “Didn’t we conceive-“

“Dad! Gross!” You shouted, wrinkling your nose as he glanced in the rear-view mirror to smile at your antics. Your mother’s laugh was probably one of your most favourite sounds in the world, it was warm like hot chocolate on a cold day.

“Did you see that video of the hologram band?” Lou asked, not paying attention to your family’s antics, “It’s super cool.”

“We still have half of our playlist to go through. You should show me when we get to the cabin.” You replied, “We could put it on the projector with the others.”

The others being your extended family, including the surprise of Lou’s parents. Your mother pointed out the snow on the mountain gaining everyone’s attention. It was beautiful compared to sunny Los Angeles.

Lou’s thumb was just about to click the video of Julie and the Phantoms against your wishes. You felt the fear before the yell, snapping your head up you watched as a pickup truck hit ice swerving into your lane. The screech of tires preceded the crunch of the vehicles hitting each other. Throughout the surrounding area, the echoes of the crash bounced off the mountains scaring birds away. Miraculously Lou’s phone survived the crash and played the electric video of ‘Edge of Great’ by Julie and the Phantoms. A song you would hum under your breath during your walks meeting the guys.

The snow turned red under four of five bodies. You lay nonconscious a stark difference in the burgundy jacket and black shirt you had painstakingly chosen that morning.

If I Stay Part Two (Final)

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justasparkwritings · 4 years

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Illicit Affairs: Beautiful Rooms Pt. 3

Previous: Beautiful Rooms Pt. 2

Pairings: Namjoon & Reader (Barely)

Genre: Angst, Slice of Life

Ratings: PG15

Word Count: 2.1K

Warnings: Therapy and Swearing, Lots of Reminiscing

Summary: Under the guidance of Dr. Aarons, Jungkook and Namjoon work to rebuild their relationship.

Listen: illicit affairs by Taylor Swift

“Let’s debrief,” Dr. Aarons sits gently in her chair, hair grown out a little, the new length carefully tossed over her shoulder. She adjusts the pen in her hand and consults the list in her notebook. “We’ve covered a lot of ground in the last few weeks, but there’s one piece we haven’t discussed.”

“What is that?” Namjoon asks.

“There’s a new stipulation in Jungkook’s contract that says he can date, I understand, similar to yours, it was a consolation prize,”

“Mm, when the lawyers and I renegotiated the contracts, it seemed fair that he get something special in return,” Namjoon answers.

“Jungkook, how do you feel about it?”

“About dating?”

“Yes, with all you’ve been through, bringing another person into your life?”

“I feel, scared,”

“Can you explain that?”

“Scared that all of the trauma is going to come back, scared I’m not enough, scared I can’t love someone,”

“Why do you think that?” Namjoon asks.

“You don’t get it, do you?” Jungkook’s earnestness slips through his syllables.

“What don’t I get?”

“Joon, I’ve spent nearly a decade thinking that Big Hit loves me because I work myself to the bone, because I damage my body and push it past its limits. Love costs,”

“No it doesn’t,”

“Your love cost,”

“No,” Namjoon shakes his head. In the nearly two months they’ve spent in this room with Dr. Aarons, Namjoon has had his share of epiphanies. This, this is new and horrifying.

“Yes,”

“I,” Namjoon lunges at Jungkook, a foreign behavior that results in Dr. Aarons gasping. But he doesn’t fight him, he pulls him in, hugging him fiercely. “It doesn’t, it doesn’t Jungkook, there is no price to my love, I swear.”

“This is the last hurdle I want us to discuss before the rest of the members arrive this week.”

“Okay,” Namjoon sits back in his spot, leaving Jungkook’s arms empty.

“We have to separate the idea that the actions you carried out aren’t related to love,”

“How do we do that?”

“Jungkook, you’ve made a list of memorable moments with Namjoon, both positive and hurtful, we’re going to work through them to separate the different emotions during those moments. Sound good?”

“Yes,” The men reply.

Dr. Aaron’s projects a table on the empty wall to their right, a natural screen. Namjoon stares at the T-Chart and reads over the first event.

“Jungkook, why don’t you read the first one?”

“Namjoon asks for a hug on stage,” Jungkook reads.

“Why did you bring this memory to us?”

“It’s always stuck in my mind,”

“Can you elaborate on why?” Dr. Aarons smiles at the blush on Jungkook’s cheeks, before she turns to Namjoon. “Namjoon, what do you remember of that day?”

“That was, what, Love Yourself World tour? Yeah, I was just feeling so emotional, we were in Seoul before going to the US to play stadiums. It was all so overwhelming, to start in our hometown, to be there, as Bangtan with all we’d been through.”

“Jungkook, why did this stand out to you?”

“Namjoon-hyung isn’t one for physical affection, he’s not like Hobi-hyung or Jimin-hyung, he doesn’t walk around with a free hug sign… it was so special that he wanted to share that with me, with all of us on stage in front of everyone.”

“Was that moment pure love, or calculated action?” Dr. Aarons inquires.

“Pure love,” The men answer in unison.

“Let’s look at the next one.”

“Preparation for Billboard awards,” Jungkook reads.

“Which time?” Namjoon asks.

“2018,” Jungkook specifies.

“Oh, Fake Love era,” He nods his head, mind already racing through the string of events that made that year nearly unbearable.

“Yes,”

“Granted, we are only on the second event, but 2018 seems to have been one hell of a year. What was going on behind the scenes?”

The thing about being a therapist is that you always know more than your clients think. Particularly when they’re famous, and Billboard has created detailed lists of their accomplishments for the last few years, you tend to be clued in when a high-profile individual waltzes through your doors. Dr. Aarons had never worked with an idol of such status and power as Jungkook and Namjoon, and eventually OT7. So, to prepare, she naturally went in to read the facts. The lists of accomplishments, itemized by year, proved indelible to her work with them. She felt prepared when Jungkook walked into her office, and through their dedicated time each day, she learned more and more. Dr. Aarons could see in that first meeting how damaged his psyche was, she could see the betrayal and confusion, the years of misuse of his body, the systems woven into his DNA that he was going to have to relearn. But she also saw the drive, the hope, the soul in his midnight irises. Now, watching him interact with Namjoon, she was beginning to feel proud of all the progress he’s made.

“We were practicing nonstop,” Jungkook’s voice pulls her back.

Namjoon nods, “We were all falling apart.”

Dr. Aarons hums thoughtlessly, an empty gesture to the two whose minds are reliving the hell from that year. “This is when you considered breaking up?”

“Disbanding, yeah,” Namjoon nods again. “We met and talked about it, a lot. It was hard navigating the pressure of becoming a more global group and the pressures of the Korean music industry.”

“Hobi-hyung and Jimin-hyung released solo stuff, too,” Jungkook adds

“I did too,” Namjoon reminds him. “It was a busy year with a lot of promotions and changes, so many music videos, we played the Tokyo Dome,”

“Mic Drop Remix came out, and we had a song go platinum for the first time,”

“We started to win big at MNET and MAMA awards,”

“Wasn’t that the first time we were in Time Magazine?”

“Mm, the world voted us person of the year,” Namjoon remembers receiving the news, they had been ecstatic.

“But you wanted to disband?” Dr. Aarons wonders. “Why?”

“All that success was overwhelming,” Jungkook answers.

“Jungkook, you’re an introvert?”

“Yes,”

“I can imagine the toll that took on you, and still does, finding time to rest and recharge,” Dr. Aarons has had this conversation with him before, the need to manage his introverted personality, how he controls his body and the world around him. The tattoos, the piercings, the hair dying. All symptoms. All things she wasn’t sure Namjoon had realized.

“I guess I thought exercise was a way to manage it,” He shrugs.

“Jungkook, what stands out to you about Namjoon at this time?”

“He was the reason I joined, the promises he made. We were together wondering if it was worth it and I just felt like I’d sacrificed so much, my body was breaking, and he was sitting there wondering if we should quit.”

“Mm, did you feel betrayed?”

“Yes, by him,”

“What about the other members?”

“They didn’t see it that way, Namjoon-hyung didn’t promise them what he promised me,”

“You were feeling betrayed by him, and working your body to the max with minimal success,”

“Yes,”

“Namjoon, how were you feeling?”

“I felt like we were gaining success but at what cost?”

“That cost was me,” Jungkook says. “It’s always been me.”

“Jungkook,”

“Namjoon, we’ve been working on this, but there’s still a disconnect.”

“I don’t know how to make him understand what I was going through too,”

“Mm, Jungkook?”

“Ttaeron naui sum makhil ttaemyeon / Mojal nulleosseugo gyesok dallyeo” Jungkook replies.

“I know,”

“You don’t, you never will. You got love, you got a career, you got a life, you got it all.” Jungkook whispers.

“Was 2018, specifically the lead up to the Fake Love performance love, or calculated action?” Dr. Aarons presses.

“Both,” Jungkook answers.

“Elaborate,” She requests.

“Namjoon-hyung wanted to walk away because he loved us, he respected us, he wanted us to be happy. But pushing me in rehearsals and building me up by complimenting the results was calculated. The lies he told were planned. He knew what he was doing to me.”

“Namjoon, do you think that’s a fair assessment?”

“Yes. You were also working out so much because you had to lift your shirt every time, we did that stupid song,” Namjoon sits back, the air in his lungs deflating.

“Who decided that?” Dr. Aarons asks. “It’s something I’ve wondered about.”

“Choreographer,” They answer.

“Could it have been a calculated move?”

“Maybe,” Jungkook answers. Namjoon sits silently, staring at his hands. His silence tells Dr. Aarons everything she needs to know, it was.

“Hmm, alright next,”

“Bangtan performing Ddaeng together,” Jungkook reads.

“Tell me about that,”

“We had two concerts, like a showcase, and OT7 decided we wanted to perform Ddaeng together. We divided the vocal line, Hoseok took Jimin and Seokjin, Yoongi took Taehyung, and I had Jungkook. We rehearsed and then performed together,” Namjoon explains.

“What was special about this?”

“We never perform rap line songs with the rap line. It was a surprise to the fans, and something we all really wanted to do. Namjoon and I have always been close, and he let me really take the verse and make it mine for those performances,”

“Namjoon, why did you pick Jungkook?”

“I didn’t, it was just, decided,”

“Hobi-hyung took Jimin and Jin because they were the least experienced with rapping, and were happier to split a verse than have their own.”

“Taehyung wanted Yoongi’s verse, desperately wanted it.”

“I would’ve been happy with either, but I guess, I’ll take any opportunity to work with Joon-hyung,”

“How was rehearsing?”

“Really fun,” Jungkook says. “It was the most fun I’ve had in rehearsal, maybe ever,”

“It was thrilling to watch him take on this song, my verse and make it his own. Our styles are very different. It was fun to watch him play with it, make it his,”

“You still rapped parts of it with him,”

“We took turns at the beginning of the verse,” Jungkook answers. “Then I did the rest.”

“Love, or calculated?”

“Love,” Namjoon answers.

“Was it?” Jungkook asks.

“You think it would be calculated?” Namjoon asks.

“Show me how I could do more than just sing, push me to explore different parts of my job, continue my drive. Could’ve been calculated,”

“But you didn’t get into rapping at that point, you haven’t yet,”

“True,”

“From what I’m hearing, it sounds like love,” Dr. Aarons decides. “You two have come a long way in the last two months. I’m excited to talk to the other members and work through a few items with them too. How are you feeling about them coming?”

“I’m excited,” Jungkook tells her. “I haven’t seen them in a while, I miss them.”

“I’m happy we’ll get to work through this, though, very nervous,” Namjoon answers.

“Good. All things to take into consideration as we ready our minds for our meeting.”

Dr. Aarons bids the men adieu, and as they exit into the LA sun, Namjoon turns to Jungkook.

“You’ve come a long way,” Namjoon compliments.

“So have you,” Jungkook responds.

“Do you want to get dinner later?” Namjoon inquires, eyes hopeful. They haven’t had many 1-1 moments, a few work activities together, some studio time and lyric sessions, but limited social time. At first Joon hated it, but after meeting with Dr. Aarons a few times outside of their group work, he came to realize how important it was for each of them to be apart, separated during their therapy.

“I can’t, but maybe we can get coffee tomorrow before the guys show up?” Jungkook offers. It’s a consolidation prize, Namjoon can see it in the way he shrinks himself in the sunshine.

“Sounds good, I’m moving into a bigger place with them, are you coming too?” Namjoon inquires.

“No, I’m staying in mine. Dr. Aarons’ wants me to slowly transition back to work,” Jungkook informs him.

“That’s a good plan,” Namjoon nods, sunglasses masking the disappointment in his eyes.

“Yeah, so coffee, tomorrow?”

Namjoon nods, “Eight?”

“Sounds good,” Jungkook waves at Namjoon before turning and going his own way.

Jungkook has plans, plans that he’s sure will go from dinner through the evening until early morning when his new love has to go to work. It’s new, a few weeks old, but feels like being on stage: familiar, comfortable, challenging, exhilarating, home. Jungkook’s only told Dr. Aarons about it, and she’s given him cautious advice. He had asked Dr. Aarons if this was a good idea, a relationship, dating at all… potentially his first real relationship with someone who looked at him like, like no one had before. It was something that was just his, in his heart, to be shared with her and only her.

So maybe he was ditching and lying to Namjoon, but after nearly a decade, isn’t it time?

Next: Beautiful Rooms Pt. 4

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littledrummeraussie · 5 years

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the closest to heaven that i'll ever be. / getaway series

Word count: 5000+ Warnings: Maybe a few bad jokes. Author’s note: The third part of my getaway series. Hopefully it puts a smile on your face during this hard time. Please stay safe and wash your hands! 😉 Feedback is always appreciated! Much love!

getaway masterlist. / masterlist.

When the next morning you woke up to the sun shining through the windows, Ashton decided it was time to explore the forest trail he found the previous day on his run. Even though you knew what your answer will be, you still let him convince you with kisses and nuzzles as he listed all the perks of spending time outside – most of them being his impeccable company by your side, and honestly, how could you say no to such promises? With the biggest smile on his face Ash pulled you out of bed, already reaching for some comfortable clothes to wear on your upcoming adventure.

After breakfast you left the cabin to go on your little trip through the woods, hands interlocked, taking your time enjoying the scenery around you, and talking about your next step. You knew things won’t be perfect when you get back to your everyday lives, but you wanted to make an effort in trying your best. This meant time, work, and honesty towards each other. But when you looked at Ashton as he told you how he hoped that you can keep being open about your thoughts and feelings, you knew you were on the right track to come out of this stronger than before.

In the end you found yourselves in a nice little clearing with a breathtaking view, and Ash decided it would make a great place for taking some pictures. It’s been a while since you’ve stopped in your lives to capture something like this, and you both appreciated it for what it was – a calm, happy moment shared by lovers, enjoying the time they get to spend together. Ashton pulled you to his side, embracing you in a hug and pushing his cheek against yours, making you laugh as he started grimacing, trying for the silliest faces he could. He laughed with you about his own goofy attempts, and you couldn’t stop giggling for the next few minutes, all of your pictures ending up blurry in the process. He tugged you closer to his chest, kissing you with his happiest smile, and once again you felt like you were finally home.

By the time you arrived back to the cabin you were both exhausted, the day spent outside and your long walks making you ready to drop. After a quick shower and a late lunch you ended up on the couch, a blanket wrapped around you as you lay back on the pillows with Ashton lying on top of you, his head resting on your breasts. He made a happy little sound as you started to comb your fingers through his hair, nuzzling closer to your touch.

”You’re nice and comfy,” he said with a content sigh, his voice already sleepy.

”Of course, you’re resting on my boobs,” you made a comment with a laugh, and he scrunched up his face.

”Shh, pillows don’t talk.”

”They also don’t play with your hair to help you fall asleep,” you smiled, brushing the dark locks back from his forehead.

”This one does,” he mumbled, snuggling closer to your chest.

”You want me to keep going?” you whispered, fingers still running through his hair.

”Please?” Ash looked up at you with big eyes and a slight pout, and you just nodded, hand still in his hair.

Within minutes his breaths evened out and he was quietly napping against you, his weight on you once again a reminder of just how much you’ve missed these moments between the two of you. His presence filled you with peace and hope that you will be alright. You knew Ashton was trying his hardest – just thinking about how he took care of you the previous days made you appreciate all his efforts even more. He did everything he could to show you how much he cared about you, about both of you – clearing his schedule, finding a remote place where it could be just the two of you. All his words, all his actions made it clear that he won’t give up.

You remembered how he looked at you after he fucked you in the shower, how he promised you that he will love you even if you cannot love yourself. Blaming yourself for ending up in this situation was one thing, that you could handle – but Ashton blaming himself was a different thing. He might have kept quiet about it, but you knew that deep inside he was hurting. During last night he held you close, wrapping his body around yours as he talked about some of his favourite memories he shared with you, reliving the good times you had together. After everything that happened between you, he wanted to make you feel loved, to know that you were the most important person in his life. He seemed like the stronger one, but he needed you to take care of him as well.

Your words hurt the both of you. Even if he knew that you didn’t actually mean it when you told him how much you hated him, it still felt like a slap in the face. He pushed through it, he made it clear that he won’t let you feel anything else just love for the two of you. But for that you needed Ashton to feel, to know that you were ready to love you again – your relationship, yourself, and most importantly: him. It was your time to care for him, and if it meant that you have to stop doubting yourself in everything you did, and start focusing on how much he gave you and how much you can give back, then that is exactly what you were doing.

You felt yourself nodding off as well, Ashton’s body warm and comforting against you, your fingers slowing down in his hair, when he started shuffling a little. You opened your eyes to see him nuzzling his face against your stomach just under your breasts, then he mumbled something in his sleep.

”Baby?” you smiled, caressing his cheek as he again started mumbling.

”Hmpf?”

”Did you know that sometimes you talk in your sleep?” you asked, brushing the hair behind his ear.

”No, I don’t,” Ash answered, still half-asleep.

”Then what’s this?” you bit your bottom lip to stifle a laugh, trying not to shake him.

Ashton did talk in his sleep, mostly when he was extremely tired – or when someone was playing with his hair while he was sleeping. You were not sure if he knew about it, or if he simply didn’t want to acknowledge it. Calum told you that they did record him once when they were younger, and that just made Ash really embarrassed, almost to the point where he did not sleep for days just so he can prove them wrong. He failed miserably; the guys never tried it again.

You’ve never really asked him about it, first you’ve just thought that Calum tries to make him flustered in front of you when you’ve started dating. But after long flights and tours, when Ashton finally fell into bed next to you, cuddling up to your side, he did start mumbling about everything his sleepy mind came up with, and you found the whole thing really sweet and intimate. Other times when he took a nap on the couch, head resting in your lap, your fingers running through his hair as he lightly snored, he hummed his appreciation, sometimes whispering about how much he enjoyed the touches.

The first time you knew that you were having trouble with your relationship was also the last time when he slept in your lap like that. He asked you if you’ll be able to come to the concert his friends were throwing that night, but you needed to say no; your inbox was going off with concerns from your colleagues, and you needed to solve their problems as soon as you could. Ash sighed, leaning down to kiss your hair and whispered a short “maybe next time” in your ear, then left you with the promise that he will be back around midnight. He did send you a few pictures and videos while he was at the show, but you just didn’t have time to check those – in the end, you just fell asleep on the arm of the couch.

Midnight came, and with it Ashton arrived as well, slightly tipsy from the party he attended. You woke when he crawled over the couch and put his head in your lap, sighing happily as he nuzzled against you. He was going on and on about the concert and you were trying to keep up with him, still drowsy after waking up so suddenly. By the time you would have been able to answer him, he was fast asleep, hot breath puffing against your thighs. With your fingers combing through his hair you started to watch the things he has sent to you, wanting to give him a few minutes until you had to wake him to go up to the bedroom. Ashton nuzzled against your palm, then when you caressed his cheek to try and wake him, he suddenly started muttering.

”Ash?”

”Don’t… go…” his lips were barely moving as he pushed closer to you in his sleep. ”Stay… don’t lea– don’t leave… stay… with me… ”

”I’m here, Ash,” you quickly brushed away the tears from your eyes. ”I’m here.”

”Stay… with me…”

His words broke your heart, and you promised yourself that you will do everything you can to make up for the time you have spent on your job instead of him. Little did you know that that night was the last time when he asked you to go with him. When the next show came around, he left the house without a word, leaving you behind.

Ashton slowly looked up at you, eyes blinking against the light in the room, gaze still sleepy. He burrowed closer to you, fighting off the last of his dreamy haze. His hazel eyes were shining, and you could see a question being asked in the way he stared at you. What did I say to you?

”You’re really cute,” you smiled at him instead. ”And kinda sexy.”

”Exactly what I wanted to hear first thing when I wake up…” he chuckled, a blush colouring his cheeks.

He stretched his arms as he sat up, moving in a way that should have been forbidden in every single part of the world – he arched his back, muscles tensing and relaxing under the shirt that hugged his body. Before he could move further, you sat up to wrap your arms around his waist and pulled him back against you on the couch. Ashton landed on you with an “umpf” sound, laughing at your attempt to keep him close.

”You’re okay there?” he tilted his head back to look at you. ”Am I not crushing you?”

”You’re exactly where I want you to be,” you smiled at him, hands resting on his shoulders.

”Lying on your boobs?” Ash grinned at you, wiggling his eyebrows.

”Pretty much on my whole body, but yes,” you leaned forward to kiss his forehead, and that made Ashton scrunch up his face in another smile. ”On my boobs.”

He reached for your hand to interlock your fingers on his chest, rubbing his thumb over your skin as he started telling you about the dream he had just before he woke up. Your other hand went back to his hair to play with it as you’ve talked, and sometimes he lost track of his thoughts because of that. Ash laughed at your attempts to try and distract him, and when it was your turn to tell him something, his hands slid down to your legs, slowly brushing his fingers over your skin. He rubbed your calves, then made his way up to your knees, circling his finger around the bone, drawing patterns on it with his fingertips.

”Are you lost?” you lightly tugged on his hair as his hands disappeared under your skirt, skimming higher and higher on your thighs.

”Oh no, I know my way around here,” he answered, then looked back at you again, eyes sparkling with mischief. ”Hmm, no panties?”

”Didn’t feel like it,” you smiled at him, biting your lip as he licked his own.

”Naughty,” he smirked at you, lightly grabbing onto you. ”Really… naughty.”

”Says the person who likes to take them off of me… before we go out… or when people come over…”

”To be fair, you’ve never stopped me,” Ash answered, still caressing your thighs. ”You seemed to like that game… I remember someone getting really… excited, on several occasions…”

”I’m sure it was more like… one or two times,” you teased him, still tugging on his hair as he grinned.

”Such a shame. Guess I’d better up my game?” he stuck his tongue out at you.

”Could put that tongue to good use,” you laughed at him. ”Just saying.”

Ashton winked at you, and before you knew it he turned around, lying back down on his stomach, resting his weight on you. He pushed your shirt up, nuzzling his face against your skin as he started lightly kissing your stomach, slowly making his way down. You grabbed his face and tilted his chin up, biting your lips.

”What are you doing?”

”What does it look like?” he quirked an eyebrow at you, then slowly licked over your navel. ”Cause I think you know…”

”Something naughty,” you felt yourself blushing, and the next moment Ash just started laughing, pushing his forehead against your belly.

”You’re so cute,” he looked back up with a smile, resting his chin on you. ”One moment you are all sultry, and the next you get bashful and can’t even talk about me wanting to lick your pussy…”

”Aaaaaasssh!” his words made you all hot and bothered, but also just really embarrassed, like you were caught doing something you shouldn’t have.

You hid behind your hands as you’ve tried to pull away to curl up in a ball, but his hands on your hips and his weight on your body kept you pushed into the couch. He reached for your hands to interlock them with his own next to you, then nuzzled your stomach again, kissing and licking the skin, lightly nipping the soft flesh with his teeth.

”Oh, no – no, no, no. No going away,” he pressed his lips against one of the marks he left on your skin, then looked up at you with dark eyes. ” I’m gonna eat you out and you’re gonna enjoy every second of it.”

”How could I not?” you let out a breathy sigh, and he chuckled against the fabric of your skirt.

”Exactly my thoughts.”

His lips and nose lightly skimmed over your lower stomach and thighs, leaving hot puffs of air wherever he stopped, pushing his mouth against the fabric to tease you. When he finally reached the edge of your skirt, he locked his eyes on you as his teeth grabbed onto it and slowly inched it up your legs, pushing and pulling it out of his way. He squeezed your hands before he slipped lower, pushing his shoulders under your thighs, spreading your legs wider. As he was kissing over your inner thigh, you grabbed onto his hair again, lightly tugging on it until he looked up at you.

”You seem lost,” you licked your lips with a grin. ”Do you need a map?”

”Still good,” he kissed the crease of your thigh. ”Think I found the treasure.”

With that Ashton stuck his tongue out and licked a line up your slit, lightly swirling it around your clit. You could feel his chuckle against your skin as you moaned, and he repeated his action, brushing his lower lip against the sensitive spot.

”Tease,” you pulled on his hair as he again did the same thing, this time with a little more pressure on your clit.

”Hmm, but you like it,” he hummed against you, spreading your pussy lips with his fingers as he licked over your entrance. ”You’re so wet, baby, fuck.”

”Fuck, Ashton! Please!” you whined as he looked up at you, a grin on his face.

”Only because you used the magical word.”

He gave you one last wink as he grabbed your ass to pull you closer, getting to work. You threw your head back as you moaned his name, losing all coherent thoughts as he licked your pussy, his lips closing around your clit to suck on it. He answered your noises with his own sounds, humming contentedly, like pleasuring you was the single most amazing thing that could have happened to him in that moment.

Ash was playing a game with you – sometimes he held you down, so you couldn’t move, and he gave you all of his, lips and tongue working against you until you felt like you will explode. Then he stopped. Gave you a grin before kissing your thighs, waiting for you to calm down a little. After that he let you pull him closer, grabbing his hair as he let you ride his tongue, chasing your orgasm until he pulled away again, chuckling as you whined.

”Where did that smart mouth go, love? Huh?” Ashton pressed a kiss on your lower stomach as he gave you another break to catch your breath.

”Definitely nowhere near your cock,” you bit your lip to hold back your laugh, and Ash just shook his head with a smirk.

”Let’s see how you like this, witty girl,” he said as he pushed his finger inside, slowly moving it to tease you. ”Do you think you can take more?”

”I’m used to much more…” you looked down while still biting your lips, and he just pushed a second finger in.

”More?”

”Hmm, more,” you moaned, and he locked his lips around your clit, rubbing his tongue against it as his fingers started to pick up the pace.

”Are you close, baby? Gonna cum for me?” he asked, fingertips rubbing against the sensitive spot inside you.

”You need to work for that,” you pulled on his hair when he licked you again, a glint in his eyes as he looked at you.

”I like a good challenge,” Ash said, pulling his fingers out.

Before you could complain, his fingers started stroking your clit, tongue slipping inside your pussy to fuck you with it. He knew exactly what to do to make you cum, and he was ready to pull all your strings to get you there. You let go of his hair as you put your hands over your mouth, trying to stifle the moans he pulled out of you, feeling yourself getting closer and closer. Then suddenly he let go of you as he pushed himself up, grabbing your wrist and pulling your hands away, kissing you roughly as you tasted yourself on his tongue.

”I wanna hear you moaning my name as you cum,” Ash pushed his face against yours, lightly biting your lips. ”Want to hear you scream as you lose your mind.”

”I’ve already lost it,” you whined as you kissed him back, and he hummed happily. ”But would happily lose it again for you.”

”You don’t need it now, do you?” he chuckled, pressing his lips against your jaw.

”Stop talking and make me cum, you fucker,” you pushed on his shoulders to guide him back between your legs, and he again just laughed, kissing his way down.

”You’re so impatient, love,” Ash pulled your legs over his shoulders again. ”Are you sure you can take it?”

”Fucking hell, Ashton!”

You didn’t need to ask him again, he just got back to work, tongue and fingers working together to bring you over the edge, this time for real. Your moans soon turned into whines as he chased you towards your orgasm, his name the only thing on your lips as he made you come. He held your hips down as he continued, eating you out for another minute until you stopped riding his tongue. He licked through your folds, wanting to be soothing but making you shake in the process, and Ash just giggled as he pushed himself up to you again, holding your face in the palm of his hand as he kissed you.

”Delicious,” he smiled, nuzzling his nose against yours.

”Not as good as you,” you scrunched up your face, running your fingers through his hair.

”You want a taste?” he wiggled his eyebrows at you, pushing his hips against yours, his cock hard and straining against his pants.

”Hmm, in a second,” you smiled at him, pulling him close to kiss him.

Ash sighed happily into your mouth, resting his body on yours as you kissed, giving you a few more minutes to enjoy the pleasure still running through you. His hand sneaked under your shirt to lightly cup your breasts over the bra, pushing his fingers under it to tweak one of your nipples.

”I’ve thought it’s my turn,” you bit his bottom lip with a smile, pushing on his shoulder. ”Alright, up! Get off me!”

”You’re bossy,” he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you up with himself. ”Why do I love you?”

”Maybe for that smart mouth,” you stuck your tongue out at him, and with that you licked a line up his neck.

”You do know how to use it,” he sighed as he leaned against the back of the couch, his hands resting on your hips.

”We’re just getting started,” you whispered, kissing into his ear. ”And this time it definitely goes near to you cock.”

Ashton groaned at your words, pulling you down in his lap as he pushed his hips up, pressing his hardness against your pussy. You slowly started moving on him, the friction against your clit making you bit your lips, his cock throbbing against you inside his pants.

”Don’t tease me, baby,” Ash whimpered, pulling you closer more and more. ”Please…”

”Only because you used the magical word,” you chuckled as you repeated his own words, and Ashton let out a sound between a laugh and a moan.

”God, I fucking love you.”

You kissed his chin before getting out of his lap, kneeling down between his legs to finally give him what he craved for. You tugged on his sweatpants and he lifted his hips, letting you take it off of him. You looked up at him with a smirk, and you could see that he knew what you were thinking about.

”No underwear? Really, really naughty.”

”I’ve learned from the best,” he winked at you, and you rolled your eyes at him.

”Obviously.”

Ash laughed again, the sound turning into another moan as you licked over his tip, only touching him with your tongue. You locked eyes as he looked down at you – his gaze dark and full of lust, full of pleading for you to do more. You slowly wrapped your lips around the head of his cock, lightly sucking on it, pulling away until it rested on your bottom lip, looking up at Ashton with big eyes, almost like waiting for something. He slid his fingers into your hair, both of you letting out a sigh at the familiar touch as he pulled your head forward, his cock sliding into your mouth.

He brushed through your hair as you started to suck him, one hand resting on his thigh, the other grabbing onto his shaft, stroking it up and down. You let him slip out of your mouth, licking the underside until you could wrap your lips around him again, working him a little harder. Then you put both your hands on his thighs, the sign clear to him, and you could feel his fingers lightly pull on your hair to look at him. His eyes asked for permission, and he didn’t move, just when you nuzzled against his hand. With another groan he started moving your head up and down his cock, setting a pace he liked, his length rubbing against your tongue.

”So good, baby, you’re so good,” Ashton babbled, his words slurring as he got lost in his pleasure. ”Love that smart mouth on my cock, fuck!”

You hummed around his hardness, the vibration making him shiver, and you knew he was getting close. You sucked him hard and long, tasting him on your tongue until he pushed you back, his cock sliding out of your mouth again. Ash was already taking off his shirt, a light sheen of sweat covering his body. He reached forward to quickly help you up, tugging the skirt down your legs, then pulled you into his lap, your legs resting on either sides of his thighs. Your shirt quickly followed his on the floor, his fingers doing quick work on the clasps of your bra to get rid of it as soon as he could.

”If you do not fuck me right now, I’ll probably die,” he groaned against your neck, his hands grabbing your ass to pull you closer to his cock.

”We wouldn’t want that,” you bit your lip to hide your smile, fingers sliding into his hair at the nape of his neck. ”I prefer you alive, you know that, right?”

”Right now I would prefer you on my cock,” he slid his length against your pussy lips, making the both of you moan.

”So impatient, aren’t we?” you kissed the soft spot behind his ear, your teeth lightly tugging on his earring.

”Y/N, please,” he pulled your face closer, kissing you, voice barely above a whisper.

Pushing yourself up on your knees you held onto his shoulders, letting him grab his cock and run the head between your lips until he pushed the tip inside, letting you slowly slide back on him, his hard length filling you up inch by inch. You could have come just from feeling him inside you, and from the way his cock was throbbing in your pussy, he must have felt the same way. Ash grabbed your ass as he pulled out and pushed back in, starting to fuck you quickly.

One of his hands slid up your back to pull you forward, his lips closing around your nipple to suck and bite it, his breath hot on your skin. He switched to the other, teeth lightly scraping against the hard nub as you shifted in his lap, the tip of his cock rubbing against your spot, and you knew you were lost. Still grabbing onto his shoulders you started to ride him, moving up and down on his cock to feel that perfect feeling of him being inside you, the way your clit rubbed against him, how your thighs were shaking as you got closer and closer.

You collapsed against his chest as your pleasure reached you, Ashton wrapping his arms around you and pulling you close as his orgasm followed, still fucking you to get the most of his own pleasure. He pressed his lips against your jaw, kissing it as you buried your face in his neck, trying to catch your breath. His fingers lightly ran up and down your back, holding you close, his touch loving and comforting. You slowly looked up at him, leaning your forehead against his, and he nuzzled his nose to yours, kissing your lips in the process. There was a smile on both of your faces, your movements soft and slow as you cuddled against each other, enjoying your afterglow.

Your hands lightly held his face, rubbing your thumbs against his stubbly jaw, and Ash nuzzled against your palm, eyes shining, a permanent blush on his cheeks. He pulled your hand to his lips, softly running them over your fingers, kissing the skin of your wrist.

”Sunshine,” he whispered, pushing his lips against yours again.

”Little moon,” you kissed his forehead, brushing your hands through his hair. ”My moon.”

”Yours,” he sighed happily against your neck as he pulled you to his chest again. ”Only yours.”

”Ash?” you asked a few minutes later, slowly looking up at him. ”Are you… really drumming on my ass?”

You finally gathered yourselves and pulled away from each other just to lie back down on the couch, Ashton on his back, you on his chest, the blanket wrapped around you. His hands were running up and down your back, and you didn’t mind it when he rested them on your butt, but this caught your attention.

”It’s nice and round,” he winked at you, his grin never leaving his face.

”You just can’t help yourself, can you?” you laughed, crossing your arms over his chest, resting your chin on them. ”Drummer boy.”

”Needed to catch up on my practice,” he tapped your nose with his finger, and you scrunched up your face.

”You’re so silly.”

”You love my silly,” he answered, patting your butt once again.

”I love you, silly,” you leaned forward to kiss him, and he pressed his lips against yours, a smile on his face.

”The best feeling in the whole wide world.”

He wrapped his arms around your back, and you rested your head against his heart, listening to it as it slowed to a steady beat. Ash ran his fingers through your hair, lips brushing against your temple as he kissed it.

”Don’t fall asleep on me,” he whispered with a smile in his voice.

”I’m not,” you yawned, cuddling closer to him. ”And if I do, you will just take me to bed.”

”Maybe once my legs stop shaking,” he chuckled, chest vibrating with a laugh.

”Was it that good?” you opened your eyes to look up at him, biting back your grin.

”Don’t get cocky,” Ash tickled your side, still laughing.

”Oh, but you did…” you winked at him, burrowing into his chest as he huffed at you, then pulled you up to press another kiss on your lips.

”Silly little sunshine,” he nuzzled your nose with his brightest smile. ”…and this is why I love you.”

part 1 // part 2 // part 3 // part 4 // part 5 // part 6 // part 7 // part 8 // story tag.

#ashton irwin #ashton irwin x reader #fiction time #series: getaway #afic: getaway

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atelophobicity · 4 years

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Top 10 Things You Shouldn’t Do If You Want to Finish Your Thesis On Time

It’s my entry for September! I’ve been busy in consuming new music, films, and kvariety episodes in my effort to catch up on everything. So, I decided to post monthly to fulfill my oversharing Tumblr needs and to exercise my skills in writing in English and putting thoughts into coherent words.

TL;DR of this: things I’ve done instead of doing my thesis for the past year and a half. I’m not romanticizing my not doing thesis self for the past 21 months, but I’m also not dissuading you from doing other stuff besides thesis because god knows, you will need something.

1. Got a part-time job. This was the first new thing I’ve done that really took my time and effectively gave me no time to do thesis. And yet, this was the most rewarding thing as I learned how to get my TIN, accomplish my deliverables, answer to my superiors etc. Looking back, I wasn’t the best employee and I deserved no job offers on the same company after. But still, it was a stepping stone in the right direction. Adulting-wise, anyway.

2. Discover the art of creating.

Journal spreads. I bought a 2019 planner and I couldn’t fill it up, so I decided to turn it into a journal-planner. The art materials I used for to design pages are from old supplies bought back when I was in high school or stickers from the fandom-related events I attended. I didn’t spend money and I was given a chance to be creative.

Sew doll clothes. In K-pop, dolls that look like your idol exists. It usually comes with one set of clothes to dress it. As a “doll mother”, I wanted to dress them with new clothes but buying clothes was expensive. So, I just sewed clothes for them. I made clothes from scrap fabrics or clothes no one wears in our household. I’ve been barely successful, but it’s one of the things that keep me happy and make me feel like I’ve succeeded in one measly part of my life.

3. Purged my online files.

From my high school files. Nostalgia has been one of my coping mechanisms. I was able to be provided by lots of it when I discovered that I didn’t lose my high school files and it was on my mom’s laptop all along. Being able to relive memories while organizing my files was the best hours of that day.

To my external hard drives. Since 2016, I have been a hoarder of online files for so long that I have two EHDs to prove it. This time though, I was able to delete content that was either repetitive or uninteresting anymore. I was able to shave off some of my data bytes and am now able to save new interesting content available online (if I ever find one).

4. Realigned my priorities and consumption of K-pop as a stan and as a person by:

Selling 3/4 of my merch. Unlearning the pride that comes with owning K-pop merch was difficult, but overtime, I have been proud of myself for not falling to the traps of capitalism—at least in K-pop. Also! I was able to buy my own concert tickets with the stuff I sold so it is a win!

Joining giveaways instead. No matter how I can avoid the urge to buy K-pop merch, I still can’t help but want to own them. This is where I discovered how joining giveaways was my next best option. It takes a lot of effort and screenshots to win these things. However, if and when you win, it really feels like winning against the odds. You get free merch too!

Actually spent hours to vote and stream. In relation to the last point, since the main requirement in giveaways I’ve joined are voting/streaming proofs, I have been one of those people who collects points on voting apps or has a playlist of music videos that should be streamed. After collecting and/or streaming, I take screenshots, put watermarks there, and tags mutuals if needed. It’s relatively hard work but there’s a feeling of pride when your idol wins the poll or an MV reaches a certain amount of views and you know you participated in making that happen.

5. Rediscover Youtube. Channels like the vlogbrothers and their associates (Crash Course, Pemberley Digital among others), Buzzfeed’s shows (The Try Guys, Ladylike, Buzzfeed Unsolved) were a delight to watch after being out of the Youtube loop for so long. The platform also offered new niches of content and I allowed myself to be sucked in it. From Simply Nailogical to Ask A Mortician to amazing pop culture video essays like Lindsay Ellis and Jenny Nicholson, Youtube has all it for you! Learning something new every day is one of my favorite things and I get to do it with this website.

6. Rediscover my love of writing. (As if I’ve written anything for my thesis but here.)

Made drabbles. There is a weekly activity on my fandom where we write < 500 word drabbles on any pairings. I have been joining when I can, and through the support of the (small) community (back then), I gained confidence to write one. I’ve written at least four now and I’ve not done yet because I’ve been on a slump lately. But I’ll get back to it soon!

Short story. The same account that brought the drabble challenge created a festival where we write a pairing and write a short story with it. I decided to join the event! Not going to lie, my entry was shit, It was the first draft, it needed a lot of revisions and more constructive criticism and yet, I am still proud of it. It was the first creative fiction I wrote since 2019 and I did it in a day. And, I believe it has potential, so I’m going to review and revise the hell out of it someday.

7. Reclaim my college days.

Reconnected with orgmates. Visiting Elbi for registration and consultation purposes are brightened up by the fact that I get to do this. My first four years of college were not kind to me. I’ve forgotten a lot of things because of trauma and deep sadness that I still have until this day, and when I remember good things, they’re few and far in between. The numbered days I was in Elbi during 2019 were also few and far in between, but they were infinitely better than my academic years from 2015 to 2017. I was able to do the things I wasn’t able to do before (mostly attending Happy Ts and eating in newly-opened food places there) and I get to do it with people I love.

Made friends. One of the drawbacks of being a slot-driven student with no care of my coursemates’ schedules: I didn’t get to establish a friend group. So I didn’t get to make friends. During this time, I’ve accepted that I didn’t have any friends outside my organizations. But this time, instead of a feeling of dread of being that cliché orgmate, I feel relief and happiness because now, I realize that I do have friends from college, unlike the 2015-2017 who didn’t have anyone in college to rely on her darkest times.

8. Appreciated my friends more. For the past few years, I was the shitty friend. I agreed to go on hangouts only to message them that I’m backing out the last minute—sometimes I even straight up ghosted them. I really took my friends for granted. I have been slowly making it up to them by always attending when there’s an invite! I sometimes initiate the invite and it’s always a fun and healing time for me (it was a literal healing time for me as I was depressed during that time). I love them and I’m always thankful for them—and more so now than before.

9. Unlearning things like:

Realizing that a priv (a private account meant to be seen by your mutuals you trust; usually contains unpopular opinions and hot takes on stan twitter) only encourages negative emotions and I must not do it again.

No matter how I tried rationalizing my hate for Jennie when the JenKai dating news happened, I was one of those K-pop stans who hated her because she dated my idol. (I have moved on past that and have started liking her and Rose.)

Knowing that attacking people for what they say won’t make them unlearn their wrong opinions. Not talking down at them and educating with patience is the key, always.

There are still so much more I unlearned and learned where those came from. My main takeaway is: it’s complicated. Sometimes our opinion needs a more nuanced perspective and sometimes it needs to scrapped entirely because it was just wrong. But it is essential so we, as people, won’t be stuck with outdated views of the world.

10. Learning something new like:

Practicing how to do Tzuyu’s helicopter hands until I realized it wasn’t meant for me.

Utilizing Omegle to look for potential quaranflings.

Installing Telegram and uninstalling to ghost quaranflings.

How to do laundry in compliance with my mother’s preferences.

Doing two things at once.

Enough patience to take time and read the laws our government makes every day to know what I’m fighting against.

Optimizing my Twitter lists and now I can keep up with current affairs (that takes a toll on my mental health) then scroll through a fic fest-centric list the next (that helps me forget the stress from reading news).

Learning something new every day has become one of my life goals. Knowing that the world always has something new to offer to me, a speck in this universe, warms me up and keeps me going. And you’ll never know where the new tidbits will lead you. Maybe it’ll help you reconnect with something you’ve known before, maybe it’ll change how you see things, or maybe it’s something new that once explored, it will contribute something new to the community. It may seem small and unimportant but with a tweak in perspective, it might be something worth doing and pursuing.

Looking back at my list, I can finally see how if I didn’t do all these things, I would have probably finished my thesis by now and probably working a full-time job, able to provide the financial needs for my family. There will always be regret that I am still not done until now. But stressing over my current predicament in this time when the world is in its most stressful state yet won’t help me. So, we soldier on and hopefully, hopefully get back to the thesis I’ve been meaning to do.

Let’s get it.

#2020 diary

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dear-saxifrage · 5 years

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long overdue post

i’ve been purposefully avoiding the topic for some time now, i suppose. and even as i write this, i’m avoiding it. i’m going for a run in just a few short minutes, and perhaps it’ll provide the mental clarity that i haven’t been able to gain since february.

i knew that it would fuck me up. i knew that kh3 would have drastic effects on me. but like all forms of grief and trauma, it’s often imperceptible how those two will manifest and unfold in one’s life. so, where to start? i don’t know. what do you even say? my best friend died. is that an overstatement? i don’t think so. in kh3, sora dies and dies away. canonically, he does not exist. has sacrificed himself. and sleeping realm theory aside, we work with what we have, which is the canon that he is dead. i am in so much pain i don’t know how to handle knowing that he is dead -- more than this, i don’t know how to handle my feelings of intense grief for some 1080i-resolution character. i don’t know how to express my feelings of grief paired with my absolute embarrassment; i know that this is silly. i know it’s perceived as silly, but i also know that the immaterial realm has huge effects. i fucking study divinity and theology, two of the most immaterial and thus spiritual things in life.

i am between two paths: one that is intensely mourning and another that is flagellating herself for mourning a video game character.

sora, obviously, symbolizes much more than this. it symbolizes my worst fears, likely, which is, what? i said last month that i don’t fear anything. and it’s true. i don’t. it’s probably because i have already moved past my worst fears by experience, which is in dealing with my friend being dead. sora took up real mental space in my head. he and i traveled together on adventures through different disney worlds when i was seven, and his motivational little quips got me through some trying times in adolescence. i remember fondly my childhood and the role that he and others played in it. my brain can’t physically register the difference between a ‘real’ human friend and a friend i made in the virtual world. i wonder what science there is behind that.

and here is where we arrive at the main point. i wrote a story. ‘a game of chess.’ it’s on archive of our own, check it out or not. when i first saw sora die in front of my eyes, i wrote a story about him and riku being beaten to death in queens for being gay. i thought that was my story of grief. and perhaps parts of it were. but a few weeks later, i was haunted by a piece: a piece on fake realities, of a thought and a shadow. i kept reliving that moment that he disappeared. i dreamt about what it must’ve been like, to know that you would die by helping another person resuscitate. i started writing a story about riku and a virtual reality game in which he designs his world and makes sora and kingdom hearts. then it blurs the lines of reality, of love and life, memory and desire. it ends up with riku’s ‘real’ world disappearing and him being subsumed into kingdom hearts virtual reality. sora still dies in the end and riku remembers every iteration of life he’s ever lived, and he collapses from the grief, especially because despite all of the timelines he’s ever lived, he was always meant to see the moment that sora would die.

i haven’t written anything of value since this story. it’s haunting me though. i can’t escape it myself. i wake up and there are lines of the story floating in my mind. “human consciousness is not enough. (nothing is enough.).” i am becoming more of riku from this story every day, and i’m a bit frightened. my whole body is churning. i’m still mourning and feeling a great overwhelming sadness, and why? BECAUSE NOTHING IS ENOUGH. nothing will ever be enough, i’m afraid, and i don’t want to be satisfied. my best friend has died. why should anything satisfy?

i can’t believe how affected by everything i am. i didn’t know that my heart would shatter. i didn’t know that i had hallowed out a space for sora in my head such that my body would respond in an intense, psychologically ill way. and fuck, i know this all sounds so fucking silly. but i’m affected, and i need to speak about this. akuroku didn’t do this to me.

in february, i became overwhelmingly ill. i was also working on the world premiere of a renowned composer’s secular requiem, which obviously spoke on death and how to go on. i sang it every day for months. i embodied and thought on sora, and thought about how i need to let go the love i feel for someone who’s probably toxic. (but i’m so, so in love with him.) i can’t tell if i’m damaging myself. i probably am, but isn’t love about courage? i’m not being harmed, but it is painful still. it’s all so painful. i don’t know what’s happening in my brain. so anyway, i was dealing with: sora’s death, a secular requiem on death, and me distinguishing love and toxicity. one day, during all of this, i finally let it go. it was a sigh, and i remember it clearly. it was a tense rehearsal, but not too tense, and it just exited my body. like a ghost. and i went home after the concert and got so, so, so sick. looking back, it all makes so much sense. i’ve been avoiding this question for so long, sadly because i knew why my body had such a horrible response to all of this:

i let it go. (all of it.)

i let go of sora, of my childhood longing, of someone i love, of the musician, of my life in berkeley. of my friends in 2017. i let it go and became a vessel. it was so... odd.

in less than a week, i contracted pink eye, tonsilitis, a low-grade fever, a yeast infection, and hemorrhoids. i was out of commission february 14 to march 29.

i want to understand more deeply how we perceive things and why we perceive them. i need to understand my own psychology with myself. am i injuring myself? who can really know? i would also be injured if i stopped doing the things that hurt me -- i would rather die than be a coward, afraid to live life. in the meantime though, how will i be hurt? it’s been so much. it’s a game of chess. i’ve been reading a lot. traveling and having great luck with friends. i haven’t had sex with a new partner in two months, and that’s very odd for me. i hate that i’m so injured. i hate that i am tormented by this death, and by my own writing. i’ve never been truly haunted by myself except for now. i can’t stop thinking about riku’s experience and how my own reflects it so much. i hate that sex is both easy and hard for me right now. i hate that it’s not other people who make me want to cloister up -- it’s me. i... have to psychically heal myself. i’ve been injured. my best friend died. what do i do now. certainly, i can’t have sex.

sora, i’m so sorry i couldn’t have been there for you like you were for me. sora, i know there’s nothing that could’ve been done. i’m not a game maker. but like in ‘game of chess,’ even if i could have made you an entire world, you still would have died.

(jesus.)

#personal

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holdinbacksecrets · 2 years

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very unfortunately jeonghan did not take pictures on the steps of my house but he's was literally so close. he probably looked up the street and saw the house with the half dead garden so that's enough for me.

i think seeing svt in person has rewires my brain. it's almost been a week and it still feels unreal. im on the train back home rewatching all my videos trying to relive it. at the end of mingyus ment he said "be healthy, and be happy, and i love you!" ive been replaying it through my headphones for the past hour and it's definitely altered something in my brain 😵‍💫

2 minus 1 is one of my favorite songs so seeing it without joshua was a little sad but carats were so loud during his part. it was really nice to hear especially since it was the first show vernon did it alone.

-🦢

“saw the house with the half dead garden” ahhh 😭😭😭 i hope it’s in his memory

wait, exactly. that’s exactly it. our brains have been rewired. perhaps we’ve been reborn 😤 i love the feeling that accompanies rewatching your concert videos. they’re so personal bc you took them, and it’s like you can feel bits of the experience again. oh, mingyu’s words 🥺 he’s such a sweetheart. the only videos i took were of mingyu to send a friend. i have his introduction, and i should rewatch soon >.<

ahhh i see! so def bittersweet. idk if this is bad to say, but it was cool seeing hansol’s stage presence shine on his own. i felt so proud watching him, but obviously upset as well without joshua being there. i’m so glad the last show of the NA tour was ot13! so proud of them. so happy i got to see them. tour season is nothing short of magical

#s talks #lovely nonnie #carat chats #🦢 anon

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thestingerblog · 2 years

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Experiencing, Not Capturing Concerts

by Sam H.

Read here!

In a now-deleted Twitter thread, Mitski asked that people attending her concerts refrain from constantly recording her performances because she wanted to connect with the audience, a fair point as nowadays, concerts are often a sea of phones obscuring faces. Although many people were upset with these tweets (hence why she deleted them), I personally agreed. I know I’m not the first person to have this take, but I’m particularly passionate about this now that COVID-19 regulations are growing lax, marking the return of live, in-person performances.

Even if I don’t consider myself an avid concert attendee, though my friends may disagree, I have been attending live events, especially concerts, at least twice every year for the past several years. At many of these events, if allowed, I recorded videos and took photos, assuming I would browse through them constantly afterward in an attempt to relive the moments. However, I discovered that I hardly rewatched them. Honestly, I probably spent more time reviewing videos I took to see which ones would be best to post on social media compared to the time I spent watching the videos for my own enjoyment. This doesn’t mean that my memories of all the concerts I’ve attended are crystal clear – in fact, part of the reason I took photos was the fear that I wouldn’t remember anything because of my spotty memory.

But even though I struggle to recollect all the details, I can still vividly recall how viscerally cathartic it felt to scream along to “Crazy = Genius” at the Panic! At the Disco concert (yes, I was in my “alt phase” then) four years ago. I may only have blurry videos of Glass Animals performing at Outside Lands but I can remember being the only one singing along with all the lyrics and how my heart almost burst out of my chest after I waved to the lead singer of the band, who waved back as he walked past me at the barricade, a moment I didn’t record. As much as we might attempt to capture experiences with technology, it’s difficult to pack a full range of raw emotions felt during live events into shaky videos.

Some performers and comedians, such as John Mulaney, have been combating the prevalence of recording at their shows with stricter means than writing Twitter threads by using systems like Yondr, a program in which attendees lock their phones in pouches that can be opened and returned after the event. Many people may panic at the thought of being disconnected and unable to share their experiences on social media with carefully edited and curated photos taken at the moment, but live events are the best times to disconnect if ever.

Per Mitski’s request, I didn’t try to take many videos or photos during the concert of hers I attended (all the ones I have on my phone are those taken by my friend whose phone broke and they desperately wanted to record snippets of the live version of their favorite songs), and I’m infinitely glad I decided to do so, especially since Mitski often performs captivating interpretive choreography while she sings. I remember watching her perform in front of my eyes, her features sharper than any camera could capture, and thinking to myself, “Oh my god, she looks so real.” Of course, that’s a pretty obvious fact, but I was still in awe of the performance, and I will never forget the atmosphere of an entire tightly packed crowd crooning along to “I Bet on Losing Dogs.”

During her performance of “Nobody,” she stretched her arms out as she sang, “My god I’m so lonely so I open the window to hear sounds of people.” At that moment, I realized that this depicted exactly how I was feeling right then and there. I was overjoyed not only because I was watching one of my favorite artists perform but also because I was surrounded by cheering fans who shared a common love for music with me. And with them and Mitski, I shared that special night, a one-of-a-kind evening that will never be replicated. That show will always be uniquely ours.

As mentioned in Mitski’s tweets, it’s fantastic that concerts and live events are returning in-person, and that’s even more of a reason to limit or completely avoid using technology during these performances. We should cherish these opportunities by experiencing them without a phone between our eyes and the performer’s face. After all, they are called live events for a reason — we should allow ourselves to live in, not just capture, the moment.

#opinion #music #blog #article #mitski #concerts #live events

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swiftsgetawaycar · 7 years

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Dearest Taylor,

Hey, how are you? I’m Sara, my closest friends and family call me Sar, and to put it simply, you’re my everything. I’m sorry if that sounds like a lot seeing as you don’t know me but your music, and the person that I’ve gotten to know and love over the years, has been everything from a friend to a hero to a muse to a member of what I refer to as my village, and that means more than everything to me so you are literally my everything. Anyway, I am well aware that the likelihood of you actually reading this is tiny but, there is the smallest chance, and I think that a chance is better than none at all so I’ll take what I can get.

I’m writing now because something strange, and monumental has just happened to me and I want to share that with you because without you, I would not be here and by here, I mean alive, and as much as I wish I was just being overly dramatic, I’m not. I first heard ‘Love Story’ when I was nine years old and I sang it at the top of my lungs for weeks but I’ll admit my knowledge/love for you didn’t span much beyond that, other than wishing I had your blonde curls. At 9, I was blissfully ignorant to the harsher realities of my life. I was raised in a huge, marvellous house and I had whatever I wanted, I was, and am, incredibly lucky. But, like they often say, you never know what goes on behind closed doors, even when they’re made of gold, and what went on behind my front doors was not pretty to say the least. But at 9, I didn’t fully know that – what I knew was that naughtiness equalled punishment which equalled pain. Well, skip forward to when I was 11 and I became a swiftie for real and I started to know what was going on, problem was nobody talked about it and how can an 11 year old really be sure of anything? What I did know was that blasting ‘mean’ on repeat and screaming along when I was home alone (noise for a long time equalled naughty) and singing it in my head at school as kids called me names, helped a lot and made me feel less alone in the world when I thought I was the only one. I felt so connected to your song that I realised I should probably try to connect to you, too, so I watched every video I could, listened to every single song you had out at the time on repeat and hung up posters of you on my walls. Red came out when I was 12, and I cannot think of a better way to describe that year than the colour red. When I was 12, it all clicked and I realised my father was an alcoholic and the punishments I had been receiving since birth was abuse. I also realised that people don’t like to believe things that they cannot see. My father was well-liked by basically everyone and is a very powerful lawyer so it may not surprise you nobody wanted to take him on. At 11/12/13, with no one in my corner and a lot of emotions to deal with after revelations that changed everything, I began to do stupid, toxic things that I’ll never be able to undo – one of which made me miss your concert in Sydney but that’s another story. Anyway, by the time 1989 came out, I had run away, well sort of. I got sent to boarding school in Canada (seeing as I am an Aussie, it’s about the farthest you can get from Sydney) and despite all the hard, awful things I had to endure to get there, Canada was where I shook it all off. The 1989 era was when I learnt how to love myself and my life, although it was challenging and I was in and out of the hospital a lot. Your album, the one you have described as your rebirth, became the soundtrack to mine. I went through a lot, but your music and you got me through it because you made me feel valued, loved and wanted. In 2015, after going back home to Australia, I took my little sister to your concert in Sydney. I cannot say I’ve ever screamed as loudly or cried as much as that night. At that point, I had kicked my father out of our house by coming back from Canada and although there were a few incidents, only one involving a hospital though, it was the best few months I had ever had in that house. So I made it very clear to my mother that she couldn’t be afraid of the truth anymore because she had to protect my little sister from what I went through, and I was able to blast your music loudly and proudly without any punishment. In December of 2015, my mother got a promotion to a job that had never been held by a woman before and would grant her financial independence from my father, and we jumped at it. Only catch was that the job was in London, England. So, I moved again to the other side of the world and I’ve been here ever since. My father, however, was less than thrilled by this and his loss of control on all of us, and so he began to file law suit after law suit, claiming my mother had brainwashed us or that my mental health (most of which is the result of my childhood with him) made me a liar or that every father has the right to see his children no matter what. Over the past few years, I have had to fly back to Australia to testify, write letters, speak to court appointed social workers and have a psychological evaluation but today that all paid off, because the last and biggest of these court cases has been waiting for judgement for some weeks now. But during the most recent of these proceedings, ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ came out, on my little sister’s birthday actually, and it became my anthem for surviving the days where I was forced to delve back into the past and relive my most harrowing moments to ensure she didn’t have to live through them too. And today all that paid off because it worked, we won. I never have to see or hear from my father again unless I want to, neither does my sister. Never do I have to go back to being the nine-year-old who sang ‘love story’ as a lullaby to her little sister as her father smashed glasses and yelled at our mother. I am free of him, and I feel more relief than words can express. And through the past 9 years, through my worst and best days, you have been there and you’ve kept me sane. You have provided me with an escape from things no one should have to go through and you have made me feel normal when I felt like an alien. So, I guess this long letter is a very roundabout way of saying thank you for never giving up on me and giving me a reason to keep going when I really didn’t want to. I will never be able to thank you enough but I want to at least make a start and I want you to share this moment with me too because I don’t think I would’ve been brave or strong enough to get through it without you. Thank you, @taylorswift. I love you so, so very much - and I will forever be grateful for all you’ve given to me. Take care and I cannot wait for everything you have planned for the future.

All My Love,

Sar xx

PS: Thanks for the playlist on Spotify too, I was listening to Better by SYML when I got the news and it perfectly captured everything. How do you know these things?!?

PPS: Please give Mer and Olivia, Mama swift, Austin & Scott my love too!

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ecotone99 · 5 years

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[HR] We should have never created holograms of dead musicians.

According to a contract I signed in the year 2012, everything you are about to hear is completely prohibited. As an ex-editor for a well-known special effects studio, I would like to remain anonymous. That is why you may notice I refrain from using people’s names or places where “The Incidents” took place, for the sake of keeping my identity hidden. I am taking a huge risk here leaking this information online, but the public deserves to know. We are unwittingly crossing into territory never meant for the living, and messing with forces that we don’t yet understand. All for the sake of entertainment. We should have left well enough alone. What’s dead, should stay dead. As many of you may remember fans and attendance witnessed a surprise performance by none other than Tupac Shakur. The long-dead legendary rapper blew fans minds with his lifelike appearance. Its interactions with Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg almost seemed too real to be just a hologram. Long-time fans had tears in their eyes as if they relived their earlier years in the 90s. Through the miracle of technology, we were able to bring back the voice and embodiment of a musician who hasn’t been alive since 1996. People were blown away by the performance and thanks to media coverage and social media, word of Holographic Performances spread like a wildfire. Soon enough, “An old Dirty Bastard” from the Wu-Tang Clan appeared on the stage in New York, almost a decade after his death. A year later Michal Jackson moonwalked across the stage at the Billboard music awards. None of us will ever forget when Prince appeared during the super bowl halftime show. It wouldn’t be long before the first hologram musical would go on tour. That being said, these performances received mixed reviews by both fans and critics alike. Although the sound quality and visual effects were impressive, some people reported a strange feeling they had while watching the hologram, some felt a strong feeling of discomfort and couldn’t exactly explain why. Some researchers have come out and tried to explain that this is due to a phenomenon that is known as the “Uncanny Valley”. The Uncanny Valley is a theory that hypothesizes there is a relationship with how human something can act and our reaction to that object. For example, when we see something that strongly resembles a human but is slightly off, we are repulsed by it, and for some, the illusions of these holograms trigger these same feelings. I am here to tell you today, that there is so much more to these feelings that science can't even begin to explain. At the time I worked for Digital Domain, the special effects production company behind the Tupac Shakur hologram. During early tests and reviews, things seemed pretty normal. It was after that one night weeks before Coachella where things took a strange and unsettling turn. Myself, as well as the rest of the editing crew, were working late to fix a few subtle glitches in the images. During our last review, we caught a few frames where the hologram's eyes moved in different directions and split frames where his lips didn’t match up with thy lyrics. None of us thought anything of it and were working late to make sure it was lifelike as possible for the big stage. After the first few attempts things got even stranger. At one point in the middle of “Keep Ya Head Up”, the hologram stopped dead in its tracks. It stood there ridged, eyes facing forward with a forlorn look on its face. Some began to search furiously to find out what frame we were stuck on but my eyes never left the Hologram. Then seemingly out of nowhere his lips began to move. I got out of my seat and leaned in close to try to make out what words the lips were forming. Then to my absolute horror, two holes appeared in the holograms chest, then one in the arm and another in the thigh. I fell back into my chair as the appearance of blood began to seep from the wounds. The holograms face never changed. Then for the first time since its lips began to move one word came through our speakers, “Mama”? The hologram's eyes than rolled back and the mouth opened wide and then just like that, it stopped. The image of Tupac went back to his performance and the lyrics of the song continued. The bleeding bullet holes were gone. There were many reactions from the crew that night. Some claimed they didn’t see it, others claimed they saw the bullet holes but didn’t hear the words, and others outright claimed it was nothing more than a glitch. One thing was for certain though, the show must go on. Days after the incident, I went back through every single frame and couldn’t find a single one that showed me the image I saw that night. There was no way that what we saw that night was a simple glitch. What are the odds that an image would appear in the exact same manner the rapper was left after being gunned down 23 years ago? Although soon after the incident, every single member of the crew was approached by studio executives who strong-armed us into signing a non-disclosure agreement that prevented us from ever talking about “The Incident”. Rumors spread fast through the special effects studios. I have heard from an Ex-soundman who helped work on the Roy Orbison, and Buddy Holly Hologram tour, that his department also had their own incident. During the test performance, Buddy Holly's hologram also froze partway through “Rave On”, leaving the hologram crouched over with his head between his knees and his hands over his head. He also claimed that he heard the words “We’re going down, we’re going down” were repeated by the hologram over and over again with his tone growing more and more frantic. Then just like that, it continued to perform just the way it did before. The studios head CEO assumed this was a prank made by the editing crew made in poor taste at the deceased musician's expense. Buddy Holly as some of you may not know was the victim of a plane crash in 1959. Everyone in the editing department was fired without further investigation or notice and were also made to sign a non-disclosure agreement. Not much later I caught wind of rumors of a severe incident during the makings of the Michael Jackson performance. Many of you may not know that originally before the Michael Jackson hologram appeared briefly on the stage during the Billboard music awards, our studio was tasked with the editing of what was supposed to be an entire concert of some Micheal Jackson greatest hits. After this particular incident the whole project was scrapped, save the frames later on salvaged for his performance of “Slave to the Rhythm” later on that year. Here were the details of the incident as follows. During the editing of Michal Jackson's song “Smooth Criminal,” the hologram began acting erratically. Sometimes portions of the holograms body like his legs and torso would freeze as if stuck in place while the rest of its body continued to move unnaturally. Soon they began to notice they could hear strange whispers over the original audio of the song in Jackson's voice. No one could understand the words as they almost sounded like they were being spoken backward like a voice recording being played in reverse. Then a power surge caused the entire studio to blackout, every single light and computer monitor screen went dark and the speakers went silent. Then to everyone's shock, the hologram kept moving. Its limbs began to bend at unnatural angles the facial expressions began to change between looks of abject horror, anguish, amusement, sadness, and anger. Some witnesses said they began to smell sulfur in the air. Others claim the smell was more like rotten meat. Some witnesses began to hear whispers in many voices around them. Sometimes behind them. Sometimes in front of them. Sometimes they sounded as if they were being whispered right into their ears. The hologram began to bleed from its eyes, ears, and mouth and its eyes somehow seemed to look into the eyes of the witnesses all at once. Its mouth began to open impossibly wide as a desperate wail erupted from its holographic vocal cords. The hologram than vanished as the recording of the evil laugh from Jackson's music video for “Thriller” boomed from the speakers. After this incident non-disclosures and hush money were not even needed. The few witnesses all recessed into different states of silence. The least extreme case being driven into insanity. The most extreme case being suicide. The higher-ups in the studio expressed that the results were caused due to the extreme pressure the staff was working under and the unfortunate negative effects flashing lights in the studio had on the human mind. The only reason I found out about this incident myself was that one of my co-workers who I will not name was asked by one of the witnesses to scrub some of the audio to see what he could make of it. After listening briefly to the strange words being spoken by the hologram, he then played it in reverse to find the words that were being spoken backward in Jackson's voice. In an almost robotic monotone, his words were clear, “Can you feel them? Can you smell them? Can you hear them? They are close. They are near.” Then after a long pause. “They… are… here.” Before he was able to share these findings with the witness, he found out that the same man's mind had recessed back into a blank state, that was said to have been caused by a nervous breakdown soon after the incident. Although not soon afterward I was laid off due to our special effects production company filing for bankruptcy after some “copyright lawsuits.” Part of me was relieved when I received the news, knowing that the tampering with the unknown that was causing these incidents would finally stop. Sadly, as the popularity of Holographic Performances continues to grow, nothing will stop these companies from “Digging up the dead” and disturbing the likes of whatever abysmal beings tend to the souls of the deceased. Who will be next? David Bowie? Freddy Mercury? Kurt Cobain? I don’t know exactly how it happened, perhaps the likeness of the musicians bore so much resemblance to their counterparts that their disembodied spirit was able to temporarily speak through their image. Or perhaps whatever unearthly beings who were tasked to tend to the souls of the dead suspected a resurrection and attempted to break into our realm to claim it back. Whatever it is, our human brains cannot comprehend it, it drives men mad from the briefest exposure. I even find myself falling into depression and anxiety, self-medicating so that I may temporarily forget about what I saw that night in the studio. What if the next incident occurred in a stadium or a concert hall in front of hundreds of people? The effects would be catastrophic. There is nothing I can do about it except warn you. Please, if you value your life and your sanity, never attend a holographic concert. Remember the artists for who they were in life, and let them rest in peace. Let them live on through our hearts and their music, not through some perverse reincarnation made with technology. Let what is dead, stay dead.

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Taylor Swift grope action begins while Robert Pattinson has Katy Perry time

About a week ago, it became unclear whether or not former Twilight star Robert Pattison was still with his fiancée FKA Twigs. While doing a guest spot on The Howard Stern Show, the actor said that he was “kind of” engaged to the songstress. Over the weekend, Robert was seen cozying up and dining with another female star, further fueling the rumors that he is no longer in a relationship with FKA Twigs. On Saturday, Robert was spotted having dinner with “Feels” singer Katy Perry. The two stars enjoyed a late meal at the Sunset Tower Hotel in West Hollywood, where eyewitnesses claim that the two were sitting very close to one another. This isn’t the first time that Katy and Robert have found themselves the subject of romance rumors. In fact, when Robert first broke up with his longtime girlfriend Kristen Stewart, people speculated that he had rebounded with Katy. However, Katy later clarified to a media publication that she and Robert were merely friends and she was not looking to “disrespect” Kristen by going after her ex so soon after their break up. In addressing the romance rumors, the “Fireworks” singer previously noted, “I sent [Kristen] a text message saying: ‘I know you’ve seen all this stuff but you know I would never disrespect you. I’m not that person.’” Nonetheless, it seems as though Katy and Robert keep finding their way back to one another. We will just have to wait and see if a romance actually finally blossoms between the two stars this time around… With Taylor Swift looking on, potential jurors in her lawsuit against an ex-Denver radio host were asked Monday if they had ever been inappropriately touched or wrongly accused of groping someone - the issues at the center of the case. A 15-page questionnaire released as jury selection began in the dueling lawsuits also asked candidates if they had seen any pictures related to the case - a possible reference to a photo that shows DJ David Mueller with his right hand behind the pop superstar, just below her waist, before a 2013 concert in Denver. The photo was obtained by TMZ then sealed by a judge earlier in the case. Swift claims Mueller grabbed her on the buttock during a meet-and-greet photo session at the show. Her lawyers have called the photo "damning" proof that Mueller groped her. Mueller, who also attended jury selection, denies the allegation and says the photo only shows him trying to jump into the frame. Swift and Mueller are both smiling in the picture. However, they weren't even looking at each other in court on Monday. Mueller, wearing a dark suit, sat at the plaintiff's table with his back turned to Swift, who sat at a nearby table with her mother, Andrea Swift, and their attorneys. [pdf-embedder url="https://movietvtechgeeks.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/taylor-swift-jury-selection-questionnaire.pdf" title="taylor swift jury selection questionnaire"] Mueller often appeared to be reading documents while Swift watched the proceedings closely, occasionally conferring with her counsel. In his lawsuit, Mueller claims he was fired from his job at a country music station after Taylor's team wrongfully told his boss that Mueller had groped her. He is seeking at least $3 million in damages. Swift's countersuit against Mueller claims sexual assault. Swift appeared in court in a white dress and black jacket, even though she and Mueller were not required to attend until the actual trial begins. Potential jurors were asked whether they are fans of either Mueller or Swift, including if they had ever seen Swift in concert, downloaded or purchased her music, or attended the 2013 concert. The jury questionnaire also said anyone who is uncomfortable with discussing any instances of inappropriate touching can speak to the judge in private. The eight-member jury will be chosen from a pool of 60 candidates, court spokesman Jeff Colwell said. There will be no alternates. The selection process could last through Tuesday, with opening statements to follow. One juror was dismissed over his answer to the question, "In a lawsuit between David Mueller and Taylor Swift would you have bias for or against either Taylor Swift or David Mueller?" The potential juror answered, "She seems petty and spiteful." The case is being heard in federal court because Swift and Mueller live in different states - Swift in Nashville, Tennessee, Mueller in Colorado - and damages at stake exceed $75,000. The trial is expected to last about two weeks. Court documents say it is unlikely that either side will settle. Swift is seeking a verdict that awards her $1, while holding Mueller responsible and "serving as an example to other women who may resist publicly reliving similar outrageous and humiliating acts," her lawsuit says. Swift and Mueller are both expected to testify, along with Mueller's former boss and members of Swift's entourage. Mueller, then 51, was a morning host at a country music station when he was assigned to attend Swift's concert at the Pepsi Center in Denver. Mueller was backstage with his girlfriend when they met with Swift, then 23, in a curtained enclosure. They posed for a photo and left. Later, Swift's bodyguard confronted Mueller with the allegation that the DJ had reached under the singer's dress and grabbed her. Mueller denied the allegation and says he asked that they call the police. He and his girlfriend were escorted out of the arena and a member of Swift's team called his boss. Swift never went to the police. She tried to keep the situation "discreet and quiet and confidential" and was upset by Mueller's claim that "for some reason she might have some incentive to actually fabricate this story," her attorney, Douglas Baldridge, has argued in court. Mueller's attorney, Gabriel McFarland, argues that Mueller may have been misidentified after someone else touched Swift. In addition to Swift, Mueller named her mother and a member of her team as defendants in the lawsuit. In other celebrity romance news, actress Amber Heard and business mogul Elon Musk have reportedly split. The two have been dating for about a year, as they went public with their relationship just a few short months after Amber filed for divorce from her ex Johnny Depp. Back in April of this year, Amber made her relationship with Elon Musk social media-official, as she took to her Instagram page to share a picture of her and Elon enjoying a romantic dinner date. In the flirty photo, Amber is seen wearing a bold dark lipstick, while Elon dons a noticeable kiss mark on his right cheek. Amber Heard, Instagram post: During the duration of their relationship, the duo spent a lot of time together overseas. In fact, on numerous occasions they were seen enjoying each other’s company down in Australia, where Amber has been busy on the set of Aquaman. One source close to the former celebrity couple spoke to media publication US Weekly about Amber and Elon’s unexpected split. They explained, “The timing wasn’t good for them. He’s super busy and works all the time. Amber is filming [Aquaman] in Australia until October. She’s in no position to settle with him. She feels her career is just starting.” When you are a star like Beyoncé, even your casual nights out with friends and family make the media and tabloid headlines. This is precisely what happened on Friday night, when the Lemonade artist joined her husband and a group of friends for a fun night at World On Wheels - which is a retro roller skating rink in Los Angeles. Once Beyoncé unexpectedly popped up at the venue, fellow roller rink-goers went into a full frenzy, as many could not believe that the singer would just show up at such a public venue. Many witnesses took videos and pictures of the beauty, subsequently posting them to their various social media platforms. An insider, who was also at World on Wheels on Friday gushed to, “[Beyoncé] was laughing and enjoying herself. [She and her friends] came really casual. If you didn’t know who they were they could’ve just fit in the crowd.” According to media outlet TMZ, Beyoncé and her crew arrived to the venue just before midnight. It did not take long for fellow roller skaters to take notice of the celebrities (Jay Z and Beyoncé), which inevitably led to the venue being shut down by 12:30 so that Beyoncé and her crew could have some private skating time. Before the latest US Presidential Election was held, reality star Caitlyn Jenner repeatedly offered her support to Republican candidate Donald Trump over fellow Democratic candidate Hilary Clinton. While most Americans within the transgender community agreed that Hilary would be much better for them and their efforts, Caitlyn insisted that Donald would be a great President for the transgender people, if elected (which he inevitably was). Since coming into office, Donald has turned his back on the transgender community in many regards. In fact, just recently he announced that transgender men and women would no longer be able to serve in the US military. Caitlyn, as well as many other transgender activists and supporters, spoke out against this decision and reprimanded Trump for his disappointing actions. Despite recently speaking out against the current US President, Caitlyn was spotted wearing one of his infamous “Make America Great Again” hats last weekend. Inevitably, this raised a lot of eyebrows, as many could not understand how she would continue to support Trump through all of his destructive antics. After realizing that people were criticizing her choice in headwear, Caitlyn made an official statement to TMZ in attempt to save face. The former I Am Cait star told the outlet, “I apologize to all of the trans community. I made a mistake [wearing the “Make America Great Again”] hat. I will never do it again and I’m getting rid of the hat.” According to TMZ, the star claims that she completely forgot that she had the infamous hat in her hand and therefore, did not think twice when she put it on her head. Sources close to Caitlyn report that the former Olympian is thinking about autographing the controversial hat and auctioning it off to raise money for a transgender cause. Padma Lakshmi, the host of the "Top Chef" reality TV show, testified Monday that she was "petrified" when a Teamster confronted her while union members were picketing outside a Boston-area restaurant where the series filmed in 2014. Lakshmi, who is also an author and model, said she was a passenger in a vehicle outside the Steel & Rye restaurant in Milton, just south of Boston, where a group of men had formed a line so vehicles could not move forward. She said one man leaned his arm on her door and said: " 'Oh, lookie here, what a pretty face' or 'What a shame about that pretty face.' " "I felt he was bullying me," Lakshmi said. "I felt he was saying, 'I might hit you.' " Lakshmi's testimony came during the federal trial of four members of Teamsters Local 25. The men have pleaded not guilty to charges of conspiracy to extort, and aiding and abetting. Prosecutors allege they threatened and harassed the crew of the Bravo show's non-union production company. They claim the Teamsters were trying to shut down the filming of "Top Chef" if the show did not hire Teamsters to drive production vehicles. The show had already hired its own drivers. Lakshmi said the man who spoke to her also shouted something "derogatory" to her driver. "I could hear a lot of yelling, exchanges," she said. "They all seemed heated up." Lakshmi said she does not have any role in hiring for the production company. Gail Simmons, a judge on "Top Chef," also testified Monday, saying she was "incredibly afraid" as she arrived at the restaurant and saw the men block the vehicle's path. "One of the men put his head into the van and started yelling at us," Simmons said. Lawyers for the teamsters have said the men were merely exercising their right to picket for driving jobs. They've said "Top Chef" crew members escalated the incident in Milton. The estate of Michael Jackson says a 3-D version of the late singer's iconic "Thriller" video is set to debut at the Venice Film Festival more than 30 years after its original premiere. The estate says the "latest available technology" was used to convert the 14-minute short film from an original 35mm negative to 3-D. Although the film wasn't reedited or recut in any way, director John Landis says he was able to "use the 3-D creatively" and promises "a rather shocking surprise." "Michael Jackson's Thriller" debuted in theaters and on television in 1983. An hour-long documentary detailing the making of the video will also screen at the Venice festival, which runs from Aug. 30 to Sept. 9. Jackson died in 2009 at the age of 50. Ed Sheeran, Miley Cyrus, the Weeknd and host Katy Perry will perform at the MTV Video Music Awards later this month. MTV announced Monday that Lorde, Shawn Mendes, Fifth Harmony and Thirty Seconds to Mars will also hit the stage Aug. 27 at the Forum in Inglewood, California. More performers will be announced at a later date. Kendrick Lamar is the top VMA contender with eight nominations. His hit, "Humble," will compete for video of the year with Bruno Mars' "24K Magic," DJ Khaled and Rihanna's "Wild Thoughts," the Weeknd's "Reminder" and Alessia Cara's "Scars to Your Beautiful." Sheeran is nominated for artist of the year along with Lamar, Mars, Ariana Grande, Lorde and the Weeknd.

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#Amber Heard #Beyonce #Caitlyn Jenner #Elon Musk #Featured #Katy Perry #Robert Pattinson #Taylor Swift

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