#I was torn between two endings for this I think I picked the sadder one

[casper-the-rose]

He liked a girl and it wasn't you

An angst Gareth Emerson x Fem!reader drabble

A t h i n g I wrote because I was in an angst mood. I'm planning on posting part two of my Gareth x Reader fic tomorrow, although I might post it later today :)

Warnings: Cursing, and it doesn't have a very happy ending

1.1k words

You sighed. It wasn't a sad sigh though, more like an I'm-hopelessly-in-love-with-a-boy-who-sits-at-the-freaks-table sigh. 

But you knew it was impossible. Why? You made this handy-dandy list you liked to keep in your pocket when you needed it. 

Reasons why I, Y/N L/N, could never get the unnamed boy that sits at the freak table

I sit at the cheerleader table

There's no way he would ever say yes

Under no circumstances are cheerleaders and freaks allowed to mix, unless some teacher forces you to sit together

He would never like me back

Suddenly you were snapped out of your thoughts by a nudge. 

“Hellooo? Earth to Y/n? Are you gonna keep staring at that boy or interact with your best friend?” It was Sophie. She had been your best friend since Kindergarten, and the only one who knew about your secret crush. 

“What is it, Sophie? And I was not staring!” You groaned, feeling your face turning red, and burying your head in your hands. God, why were you so hopelessly lovesick. 

“Well, I was about to ask if you were excited about the pep rally, but I think that's the least of our problems. Well, yours anyway.” 

You looked up, about to question what the hell she was talking about before you saw it. You saw him.

He was getting up from the freaks table, his short, fluffy hair bouncing with each step. And he was holding a rose. And was he- oh fuck he was walking towards your table. 

In your direction. 

You felt like you were going to have a heart attack and die on the spot right then and there. 

You buried your head in your hands again, just so you wouldn’t stare at him. 

You heard his footsteps from your other side. When you realized he had walked past you, you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding. 

But your heart dropped when you looked up. 

“H-hey Sophie, so I was wondering if maybe you w-wanted to go out sometime?”

Gareth Emerson, the boy you’ve had a crush on since you were 10 was asking out your best friend. 

It took everything in you to hold back tears, to not break down on the spot and start sobbing, to not scream or just run out of the Cafeteria and beg your mom to pick you up. 

You looked up to see a shaking Gareth holding a rose, and your best friend looking back and forth between you and him. 

“Oh Gareth- I-,” Your best friend stuttered out, and he looked surprised she even knew his name. 

But it wasn’t fair. 

She only knew his name because of you.

The long summer nights you had stayed up till 3 am on the phone together, talking about his latest corroded coffin show. 

Or all the days you ranted to her about a five-second conversation you had. 

It wasn’t fucking fair. 

“I’m sorry Gareth. You’re a nice kid but I- I just don’t feel that way about you. But I'm sure you’ll find the girl of your dreams soon. Who knows, maybe she-” 

“N-no, it’s fine,” Gareth cut Sophie off. “I-I was being stupid. You’re a cheerleader, and I’m just a freak. No need to explain yourself. I hope you have a great rest of your day, Sophie.” Gareth sighed. 

He looked around defeated and realized people were staring at him. A lot of people. He started shaking, before running out of the cafeteria. 

“Freak,” you could hear Jason scoff, which made you want to punch him. 

Sophie lightly tapped you on the shoulder. 

“You okay?” She asked, her voice soft. “I tried to maybe get him to think of you but-”

“Thanks, Soph,” You cut her off. You got up from the table with a sigh and went to go wander the halls before the bell rang. You didn’t know where you were walking in particular, but soon you heard sobbing. 

You peeked around the lockers, only to see Gareth. His knees were pulled to his chest with a bruised rose at his feet, and he was crying into his arms. You wanted to say something, anything, to make him feel better. But your mouth went dry. 

Gareth sniffled and looked up, wiping his nose on his arm. But then he saw you. A cheerleader in her uniform who has been at the table where it happened. Not a good look.

“What do you want?” He scowled. “Are you here to take a photo? Oh look, one of the freaks is crying by the lockers because he got his heart broken. Let me take a picture and then make copies to hang up around the school. That must be what you’re thinking right? God, I was such a fucking idiot, thinking a cheerleader, someone like you could ever be anything but a bitch.” 

You could feel tears building up, and you started stuttering. “I-I, I d-d-” but you couldn’t get a full word out. 

“Well? Are you just gonna stand there?”

And before you could stop it, you felt hot liquid falling down your face. Shit shit shit. 

You hated it, you hated yourself you hated everything. 

You didn’t want to cry in front of your crush of 6 years. 

Fuck. 

You sniffled, before running off into the girl's bathroom. You slammed the door shut behind you, before falling against it and sobbing. 

“Stupid stupid stupid.” You coughed out between sobs. 

You were such a crybaby, and you just couldn't stop it.

Gareth on the other hand was confused beyond compare, but anger was still bubbling in him. Not at you necessarily, but at himself. For being so stupid to think a cheerleader would like him. But had he been too harsh? After all, it wasn’t your fault Sohpie had rejected him. 

He replayed the conversation in his head before it suddenly clicked. 

“Fuck!” he nearly screamed. It all made sense. “Idiot idiot idiot!” 

He wanted to follow you, try to make amends, tell you he liked you too, that he remembered that stupid talent show when you both were 10, that his feelings for Sophie weren't nearly as big as his feelings for you. But it was already too late. 

He had already made you cry. Who would ever want to date a guy that made them run off crying?

Meanwhile, you were washing your face in the girl's bathroom. You wanted to see if he was still there, to apologize for running off and tell him you were sorry, that you couldn’t stop thinking about when you both were 10 and had to perform in that stupid talent show together. That you were the other girl Sophie mentioned. But it was too late. 

You had already run off crying all because he raised his voice at you. Who would ever want to date a girl like that?

[sleepysnivy]

Here Are 10 Songs That Remind Me of Todd Anderson.

Warning: these get progressively sadder because I picked some of these with Anderperry in mind and…you know how that goes.

1. “Armatage Shanks” by Green Day

“Stranded, lost inside myself

My own worst friend and my own closest enemy

I'm branded, maladjusted

Never trusted anyone, let alone myself

I must insist

On being a pessimist

I'm a loner in a catastrophic mind”

2. “Gloom Boys” by Waterparks

“It's kind of messed up

The only time I write

Is when I'm stressed or sad

And turn out the lights

I'm afraid I messed up

And I'm not worth my blisters

'Cause birthdays and Christmas

Are not, not on my wish list at all”

3. “Everyone but You” by The Front Bottoms

“I fell in love

'Cause no one saw me the way you did

And no one's seen me that way since

But for a short time that's how I lived”

4. “In the Mourning” by Paramore

“And it takes all my strength not to dig you up

From the ground in which you lay

The biggest part of me

You were the greatest thing

And now you're just a memory

To let go of”

5. “Panic Song” by Green Day

“There's a plague inside of me

Eating at my disposition

Nothing's left

Torn out of reality

To a state of no opinion

Limp with hate

Well, the world is a sick machine

Breeding a mass of sh*t

With such a desolate conclusion

Fill the void with I don't care”

6. “My Heart” by Paramore

“I am nothing now

And its been so long

Since I've heard a sound

The sound of my only hope

This time I will be listening

Sing us a song

And we'll sing it back to you

We could sing our own

But what would it be without you

This heart, it beats

Beats for only you”

7. “Ramblings of a Lunatic” by Bears in Trees

“Why has constructing sentences become like pulling teeth

Wiping dental records clean

Is the carcass even me

Is this catharsis

Therapeutic plunge to darkness

Or elaborating upon my mediocrity

Maybe this is a result

Of me finally accepting

That I'll be alone forever

That I deserve forgetting

It's a pointless endeavour

And maybe it's upsetting

But I've never felt more comfortable

In the concept of things ending”

8. “Saturn” by Sleeping at Last

“You taught me the courage of stars before you left

How light carries on endlessly, even after death

With shortness of breath

You explained the infinite

And how rare and beautiful it is to even exist

I couldn't help but ask for you to say it all again

I tried to write it down, but I could never find a pen

I'd give anything to hear you say it one more time

That the universe was made just to be seen by my eyes”

9. “Vanilla Twilight” by Owl City

“I'll watch the night turn light blue

But it's not the same without you

Because it takes two to whisper quietly

The silence isn't so bad

'Til I look at my hands and feel sad

'Cause the spaces between my fingers

Are right where yours fit perfectly

I'll find repose in new ways

Though I haven't slept in two days

'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone

But drenched in vanilla twilight

I'll sit on the front porch all night

Waist deep in thought because when

I think of you, I don't feel so alone”

10. “I Guess” by Mitski

“I guess, I guess

I guess this is the end

I'll have to learn

To be somebody else

It's been you and me

Since before I was me

Without you, I don't yet know

Quite how to live”

[thefallenbibliophilequote]

The Other Ending

You Tried To Change the Ending- Alternate Ending

Bucky x Reader

"I knew you, stepping on the last train, marked me like a bloodstain;

I knew you tried to change the ending, Peter losing Wendy"

Summary: You love him, but he made it clear he didn't want anything to do with you. Can a trip to the future give him a new perspective about the present?

Read the ACTUAL FIC first with the actual real ending, you can't read this without it!

Word count: 1,274

Warnings: angst, character death

A/N: I felt the need to write this one down, especially after Evermore came out. With how much you talked about this ending and how you feared it… I just had to write it. It was a little hard and I cried while writing it but I hope I did this other, much sadder ending some justice just as I did the first one. I just had to find out what would have happened if he didn't go back to her room.

A/N: I tagged all those who commented on the fic, and just a reminder that you do not have to read this, this is not a follow up, this is just a whatif I decided to post, the happy ending is the real ending.

--

 James wept the minute you disappeared in front of him, he decided to pick up flowers before going to visit you. It was almost the two year mark anyway.

"I saw you today," he talked to you. "Well, it wasn't you, not mine at least. My own past flashed before my eyes, I got to hug you again…"

He trailed off, remembering your touch, you were warm.

"He was there with her, he was stubborn but you'd know that, you know me." James thought back about how he was so distant with you, how he denied his love for you. He will always hate himself for that.

"I saw you again, you were alive and breathing and you smiled at me-" his eyes brimmed with tears now. "I never thought I'd get to see you, to feel you again."

"He was there and I realized that it was right after she told him. He tried to hide it, but I saw the way he looked at me after I hugged you. I wanted to keep you- to keep her with me, to ask her to stay, to give her the love she wanted. But she wasn't mine.

I did try though, I talked to him, I told him everything that happened to you. I told him about the foolish mistake I made. I gave him all the knowledge I wish I had known, if only I could've saved you. I hope he did. But I don't know if it was enough, I don't know if I did enough for him to save her, if I didn't then-" he tried to catch his breath, wiping the tears from his face. "If he didn't listen to me, if I didn't do enough to save her, then I let her go for nothing. I just let her die. I could have kept her here with me. Do you think she would've said yes? I know she is not you, but I couldn't bear to know that she died too.

I hope he listened to me, I hope she is okay. I'd do anything to bring you back, I hope he won't have to get to this point. I hope he did everything to keep her with him.

I couldn't save you, but I hope I was enough to save her."

 You didn't say anything when you walked to the elevators with Bucky. He cleared his throat when the door closed behind you.

"So," he started a conversation with you to your surprise. "What are you doing this weekend?"

"Oh, I'll be out on a solo mission, so nothing much"

His face turned pale when he looked at you- head forward as you tightened your ponytail before exiting the elevator to your floor.

Without a goodbye.

It was a different timeline, right?

He went back to his room, sitting down on the bed, forgoing showering he took off his armor and laid his arms on his thighs, head falling down.

He knew what was going to happen before he even felt the sting behind his eyes, he knew his look would match the look of his future self.

He was scared as hell, more scared than he'd been his entire life. He couldn't help the frustrated breakdown, torn by the knowledge.

Knowledge could be such a horrible burden to have, but he didn't know, not really. It was a different timeline, this could be just another mission.

He was used to sleepless nights, so this one wasn't hard. It was different than the rest where he pondered about himself and all the horrible things he had done, now it was for another- now it was for her.

If he went to her and welcomed her in, would it end up being another addition to his hurt and pain? Would he break her as well? He didn't need that guilt. He didn't need her.

It was a different timeline.

 It was a few days later when he made his coffee in the kitchen. He watched as you hugged your friends, they wished you good luck and you wished them goodbye. He didn't get a goodbye.

Two days later, it was radio silence from you and so he was on the quinjet heading straight to where you should be. He had to go hide from everyone, trying to suppress the panic in his chest that took every bit of oxygen he tried to breathe in. He remembered the look on James' face.

Soon enough the quinjet landed and they got out to see the building in ruins.

 Bucky moved his hands through his now short hair.

He decided to pick flowers, he decided to go visit your grave a few days early. It was almost the two year mark.

 He sat there in the graveyard wondering where you could be now. He talked to Strange a hundred times, both to see if he can bring you back, and to try to calm the guilt in his mind.

Different timeline, different ending.

He wondered if he could've changed this awful ending of your life, instead to give you an ending with him, where the two of you would be older with gold rings on your fingers just relaxing at your house out in the country.

But he pushed you to the edge and you, you were too polite to leave him and his heart behind you, so you kept him in your heart.

Did he freeze you over?

He never got to say goodbye.

He tried to tell himself that he couldn't have known, but it was two years ago and he couldn't even forget the look on James' face when he saw you, so full of love- he wished he could see you again. He couldn't shake what he saw in that old collapsing building. Blood covered his hands as he searched for a pulse. It took both Steve and Tony to pull him away from you, he threatened Wanda from using her powers on him, he didn't even care when he saw she had tears too.

All he saw was you. From the moment the quinjet touched the ground, he ran inside, gun ready as he searched for something he didn't want to see, but he saw it anyway. Between the ruins of the building, there you lay with your eyes closed. He dropped his gun and ran to you, screaming your name, trying to coax you out of your endless sleep. He saw the blood on your stomach through your suit, he didn't care when he clung to you, taking your wrist, and then the side of your neck, but he didn't find anything to calm his racing heart. He couldn't find your beating heart. He couldn't find any shred of life in your now cold body. You were too cold, unaware of the tears and the heartbreaking sobs that Bucky let out all in the open. He didn't even notice the others behind him. He mumbled to you endless apologies, countless wishes for you to come back to him, thousands of love confessions.

But words like that mean so little when they are a little too late.

 He stood now, two years later, next to your grave, staring at the tombstone with your name on it. He put your favourite flowers down and leaned against the cold stone as he sat on the ground.

It was getting colder and colder now as the sun started to set in the distance. But he wouldn't leave you. He won't leave you.

"I loved you too, Y/N. I still love you. I always will love you." He closed his eyes.

 Tags:

@lehuka123  @americas-ass-assins  @ayybtch  @spideyxstarks  @oogabooga-ooo  @gearhead66 @roserose26  @naomiiiiiiiiiii04  @onceupona-happilyeverafter-love  @chase-your-dreams-away  @delicatetimetravelarcade  @princess-and-the-super-soldier  @callmeluna @bucky-the-thigh-slayer @je-suis-prest-rachel  @distinguishedgardenroadbonk @justagirlinafandomworld  

[troubatrain]

delicate - m. barzal

a/n: a repost from my old blog!

You walked down Canal St, cursing Mat for making you come this far downtown in the middle of a Saturday afternoon to the Lower East Side. You knew why he did it, the perfect distance between your place in You opened the door of the dive bar, and spotted Mat in the back corner, pizza in front of him with two beers waiting for you.

“Please don’t ever make me come this far down Canal St again in my life Mathew,” You say, sliding into the booth and taking a sip of the drink that was waiting, “Also can you have picked a sadder place?”

Mathew’s smile was on full display, “You told me lowkey?”

“I told you lowkey because you’re obsessed with the notion that someone might see us, eating a meal together,” You say, referencing an agreement you’d made when you guys started hooking up. 

“Do you really want all of that bullshit that goes along with people seeing us, be honest,” Mathew deadpans, a knowing look on his face.

You knew he was right, he’d seen people’s lives torn apart the second someone found out on the internet that he was seeing them. He’s seen it happen to his teammates and he really just wanted to keep you safe. You had your own successes and you did enjoy your privacy.

“Okay fine, why’d you wanna see me anyways?” You reluctantly agree.

“Oh, um I’m playing at MSG tomorrow, if you were interested?” Mat offers, hoping maybe you’d come if the game was at least in Manhattan.

“You made me come all the way here to ask me to go to your game?” You ask.

“Okay I was also hungry, and I wanted to see your pretty face,” Mat compliments, a smirk gracing his lips, “Among other things.”

“You could’ve cut the middle man and brought take out to my apartment,” You say back.

“Can I try and keep the romance alive, taking you to a nice lunch before I go back to your place and fuck you into your mattress,” Mat says, causing you to laugh.

Mathew really was a good guy, and in another life, you did think you could be in a relationship. He was nice, and he did actually respect you. He’d won over your roommate, always remembering to bring her food or coffee when he would bring it for you. He was honest with you, always and he never did anything without your consent. But, you were both twenty two and living in New York, there was no reason to settle down. Mat’s schedule was hectic, and quite frankly so was yours, you both barely found the time to have sex.

“Wow, maybe people should see us, so I can post on Instagram how romantic you are,” You joke.

The two of you spend the lunch catching up, you ranting about how awful your week was, Mat knowing you’ve been having a rough time at work. When the two of you started hooking up, you guys kept things about your lives private- trying to keep yourselves from catching feelings. But, when you’d gone over to his apartment and he could feel how stressed you were from how tense your shoulders were under his touch. You two didn’t even have sex that night, he’d run you a bath, and the two of you sat in the tub while you ranted and raved about how your boss was driving you absolutely insane. Thing’s had shifted that night, and the two of you never went back. You were sincerely Mat’s friend and you knew he was yours. There was a fine line between your friendship staying as a friendship and Mat and yourself were definitely walking on it but for the time being you just didn’t care.

--

You step into Madison Square Garden, the Islanders set to take on the Rangers and you knew it was a big game. You were a big Ranger fan growing up, your father was still a huge fan, but you hadn’t caught a game in a while. It never stopped you from giving Mat shit for playing for the Islanders even though he knew you really didn’t care much at all. Mat had left you and your roommate tickets, right against the glass. You watched as Mat skated around for his pregame skate, and you had to admit, the whole hot athlete thing wasn’t something you totally got. But, watching him skate around the ice with his hair on full display you were starting to.

“Maybe I should have gone to one of his games earlier,” you say to your roommate, eyes never leaving Mat.

“You’re drooling,” your roommate says, “Remind me not to come home tonight.”

“Are you going to stay at your boyfriend’s?” You ask, curious if you’d be able to have Mat over without bothering her.

“I planned on it,” she says, blushing a little bit at the mention of the guy she’d been seeing lately. You had yet to meet him, but she was spending an awful lot of time there.

The game was well underway when you started to eavesdrop on the two girls behind you, gossip about players on both teams.

“I wonder if Barzal is single?” The one girl asks, your ears perking up at the sound.

“No, I read on the internet he’s some girl in Vancouver that he flies out,” The girl says, as if she knew this was a fact. Your skin crawled at the comment, and you weren’t sure why. Mat wasn’t yours and he didn’t owe you any sort of explanations.

The Islanders ended up with a big win, Mat tying the game with a few seconds left and taking it to overtime in which he ended the game with another goal. You wanted to be happy, knowing exactly what mood Mat was after a big win, but you couldn’t be because you couldn’t stop thinking about those girls behind you.

You’d met Mat outside of MSG, him slipping out easily, hair still wet from his post game shower. He grabbed your face immediately, planting a kiss on your lips in the middle of Midtown.

“Good game?” You ask, knowing exactly why he so boldly kissed you in the middle of the sidewalk.

“I mean it was okay,” He smiles, waving down a taxi and giving the driver your address. Mat’s hand immediately lands on your thigh, his face filled with concern when he realizes how tense his hand was making you.

“Are you okay?” He asks lowly, not to bother your taxi driver.

“Fine, we’ll talk later,” You say, sighing and laying your head on his shoulder. It wasn’t his fault you were being a jealous brat, and you didn’t want him to have to worry about it.

Mat nods, his hand moving to play your hair, something he knew you liked when you were upset. You take the ride to your place in silence, taking in the city streets as you head downtown. You head up to your apartment, letting Mat in behind you. He sits on your couch, kicking off his dress shoes.

“Alright spill,” Mat demands, “Did I do something? You never tense up like that with me.”

“No you didn’t do anything,” You sigh, “It’s just- you know what nevermind.”

“No, it’s just what?” Mat asks.

“These girls behind me were talking about you and girls from back home that you fly out and all of this stuff and you don’t owe me shit but I was a little jealous,” you blurt out.

Mat smiles, long arms grabbing your waist and pulling you on top of him, both of your legs straddling his waist, “Babe, I’m yours, no one else’s.”

The simple statement felt like a different page of your relationship was about to be written. You planted your lips on his, his moving to your back almost as an instinct. The two you moved in sync with each other until you finally pulled away, your forehead leaning against Mat’s.

“Mine,” You whisper, planting a quick peck on his lips.

“Yours,” Mat smiles, kissing you again slowly.

[wrctings]

Tony Stark x Steve Rogers | Fearless

this evening may i present you with stevetony + taylor swift fluff to celebrate the release of fearless (taylor’s version) 💛

fandom: Marvel summary: Where Steve listens to Taylor Swift and Tony is fearless. word count: 1.6k

If there is one thing that Tony Stark is undeniably the master of, among other skills related to the insightful understanding of technology or the adroit use of screwdrivers, it is without the shadow of a doubt the ability to find Steve Rogers inside the Avengers Tower. Whenever the two are separated, it seems Tony has gotten particularly good at guessing what Steve might be up to in the meantime: he knows that Steve likes to enjoy a cup of tea in the evening, two hours or so after dinner, so the kitchen would be the best place to spot the Captain, the soft look on his face paired the casual clothes he usually wears at the end of a long day; if not in the kitchen, it means that Steve already made himself comfortable on the living room sofa, catching up on the latest book he's been reading or chatting with one of the Avengers who might have passed by. And when Tony shows up, he is sure that Steve will give him one of his signature smiles and wait for him to take a seat by his side before nestling beside him, exchanging kisses and hugs when no one is around to disrupt their intimacy.

But on that evening, as Tony walks into the kitchen, looking for Steve, nothing but empty space meets his eye in the place where his boyfriend would usually stand. The same happens in the living room, where Steve definitely doesn't seem to be anywhere around — there isn't even the trace of a cup or a bookmark, all signs of the other man's presence having mysteriously vanished from every angle Tony's gaze sweeps. And if Steve isn't in the kitchen or in the living room by 8 o'clock... The echos of Tony's footsteps reverberate through the staircase as he makes his way down the tower, toward the workshop, a mug of tea in hand After the Avengers saved New York for the first time, officially becoming a team, Steve had taken the habit of visiting Tony in the workshop from time to time since their friendship had started to grow stronger. At first, he mostly came down when he needed to clear his head, bringing Tony coffee and quietly settling on the workshop couch with sheepishness that betrayed his worry of maybe not being welcome here (in spite of Tony's insistance that it's fine, Rogers. Not everybody has the chance of seeing my genius at work, and Steve's face would light up, and he'd nod thankfully). He would sit and watch Tony tinker and rattle his brains, somehow soothed by the clicking and banging sounds all around, before getting up and leaving when he felt he overstayed his welcome. A few months later, Steve's visits were accompanied, alongside coffee, by stolen kisses.

As his ideas often prove to be, Tony is right. There Steve really is, spread out on the workshop couch with folded legs, knees pointed toward the ceiling and revealing the comfortable grey sweatpants he's thrown on, a fitting choice considering the simple t-shirt that he's traded his Captain America suit for. Tony can't help but smile affectionately (thank God no one is around to notice just how dumbly in love he is) at the sight of Steve's domestic looks: how is it that Steve Rogers always manages to look so unbearably lovely no matter what he does? Then, he notices something else — on the floor, right next to the couch, lies Steve's phone, a pair of headphones connected to it. Listening to music, Steve must have not heard Tony coming in, so the brunet takes another step closer, torn between watching his boyfriend's relaxed features, which he finds adorable, and signalling his presence.  

Tony isn't sure whether Steve is still awake, but he must have established himself in the workshop not too long ago as his hair appears darker than usual and brushed back, still wet from a shower (he would usually take it after his morning run, but on that Sunday the pair had stayed in bed instead, deciding on getting themselves a reward for the success of their latest mission), so after watching him for another couple of seconds, Tony tries his luck. Taking a seat on the end of the couch, he waits to see if Steve has any kind of reaction. And he does.

Steve's eyelashes flutter as his eyelids lift up, blinking to readjust to the light of the room, and when he straightens up on the couch his eyes immediately meet Tony's.

"Hey there, sleeping beauty," Tony teases fondly from the other end of the couch as Steve removes the headphones. "I was looking for you. Figured you'd be down there."

"Hi." Steve smiles at him with one of these warm smiles that make Tony melt even after all this time, then leaves him room to scooch over by regaining a normal sitting position. "Sorry, I just came down here to take a break."

"No need to apologize, this is as much my place as yours now," Tony shrugs, handing Steve the mug. "Since you weren't in the kitchen, I figured you'd need your tea."

"Thank you, Tony. You know me too well," Steve takes it gratefully, wrapping his fingers around the warm surface of the cup before drawing it to his lips and taking a sip. "Days shouldn't be so full of paperwork," he chortles tiredly, alluding to his occupation of the afternoon.

"That's only because you're so stubborn, you never take breaks before you finish."

"Says you."

"Alright, you may have a point," Tony shakes his head, unable to suppress a fugitive smile. "So what're you listening to?"

"I thought I'd catch up on what people are listening to nowadays," Steve explains, cheeks flushing slightly as he scratches the nape of his neck. "Well, here goes nothing. I was listening to Taylor Swift. I know this is not the kind of music you usually listen to, but it's actually really good. I mean, it's so different from what he had in the 40's, but I think I would've liked to have that back then."

"Hey, you know I'm not judging you, right?" Tony hates to see Steve so self-conscious around him, especially when Tony in truth likes Taylor Swift! Only, he would rather keep it private because of how deep it could actually dig through him, unlike other less penetrating music. "Plus, I like Taylor Swift," he confesses, because it's Steve, and Steve makes him fearless (pun intended — Taylor Swift did brilliantly put lyrics on feelings). "Everyone should."

"Really, you do?" Steve's excitement makes Tony's heart somersault: seeing how much happier he's gotten over the weeks never fails to move him, the contrast being stark indeed with the first time they met, all clenched jaws and tension.

"Yeah."

"You know, in the 30's, we didn't have this... Teenagehood thing," Steve explains, his voice tinged with the recollective tone Tony has often been aware of when whenever the Captain remembered his past. "After school, you'd be out working, you had no time to try and figure yourself out. This kind of makes me catch up on what I missed out on."

"Now's the time then. What songs have you been listening to?" Tony's eyebrows arch curiously, stirring Steve's mind away from sadder thoughts.

"Well... Fifteen. On repeat for the past fifteen minutes," Steve admits with a guilty chuckle. "It's really good, but so is the rest of the album. I've never gone through anything like that, but ever since I'm with you, those sappy love songs make perfect sense."    

"You're so corny Rogers, has anyone ever told you that?" But Tony's face is bright with a grin, and he runs his fingers through's Steve's humid hair, rolling his eyes. He just can't resist him, can he?

"What do you want?" Steve leans into the palm of his hand, smiling slyly. "I jumped and fell into you, it seems."

"I got that reference," Tony laughs before bringing their lips together in a playful, loving kiss, his spirits so light with elation he might just burst out singing Taylor Swift lyrics for Steve. Who's the corny one now, Stark? He can already picture the Captain's remark. "Soldier, hand me your phone."

Steve obeys, bending over so he can pick it, and hands it to Tony with an inquiring look, watching him unplug the headphones and busy himself with the object. It isn't long before notes of music suddenly swirl through the air, emanating from Steve's phone as Tony sets it aside, and the blond recognising the guitar intro to Fearless, which he's listened enough to set it aside among other tracks. Steve's heart catches in his throat, cutting his breath short from the intense rush of affection that washes over him at once: he is so ridiculously smitten, he might just do something absolutely silly. He definitely will, or else, he wouldn't really be Steve Rogers, would he?

"Will you offer me this dance?" Steve suddenly asks, springing to his feet and extending his hand toward Tony. It doesn't matter that he's wearing sweatpants and that they're in Tony's workshop — actually, he wouldn't have changed anything, not for the whole goddamn world.

"And I don't know why..." Tony begins, smiling so widely he struggles not to throw himself at Steve instantly in spite of another amused eye roll. "But with you I dance," he takes Steve's hand resolutely, getting up himself.

"I must warn you now, I don't know how to dance though," Steve laughs softly against Tony, trying to find an appropriate position. "But you make me fearless, so, I guess we're doing it anyways."

"We are. That's what Taylor wants us to be."

And, as they twirl through the room, honouring the song's passionate fierceness right there in the middle of the workshop, Steve and Tony both really do feel unafraid; as long as they are together, nothing can stop them.

[dragonrajafanfiction]

Trust

As Tom neared the house where he lived with Mr. Lu, he noticed that the scales on the man's body were losing their thickness, their darkness, and were flattening close to his skin. He did this silently, without a word or action.

As the draconization faded, so did that strong threatening aura he was giving off. His eyes returned to their innocent brown and he yelled. "Erii! I found him!"

Tom stopped in his tracks and ducked behind a tree as the door opened.

Erii was silent so he couldn't hear what she said, but Mr. Lu made a few confused noises. "He was here I swear!"

Erii gave a loud sigh and he heard her footsteps come down from the front porch.

Tom pressed himself against the tree. The fight plus the strong current had torn away most of his clothes The sand and the scales didn't hide much else. Why would Mr. Lu call to her out of all people?

He felt a sharp tap on his shoulder and startled nearly out of his skin. She'd found him! Without a second thought, he used his newfound wings to cover his entire front.

Erii stood there in her panda covered night gown, crimson eyes wide as saucers.

Tom didn't know what to be more ashamed of. His scaly appendages and pinkish membrane wings were monstrous, hideous to him. He felt like a some sort of naked bat. But he couldn't retract them without giving her a full frontal exposure and he didn't want to turn around and expose his butt.

He skittered behind another tree but she followed him, still staring in curiosity. "Mr. Lu!" Tom's voice came out as a squeak, adding to his embarrassment.

"It's fine! She doesn't care, really! She's uh... she's Japanese! Her brother works at a nude beach!"

"This makes me really uncomfortable!" Tom cried out, desperate to escape her eyes as she pursued him squirrel style around and around the tree trunk.

"Hey Erii, don't we have a blanket or something?"

Erii paused in her pursuit and nodded and hurried away.

Thankfully, Mr. Lu didn't laugh. He rubbed the back of his head. "Even after all these years, she has no sense of boundaries. Please forgive her, she wasn't raised with people... I mean, it's not like she was raised by wolves but she was isolated because she was a lot like you, unstable. She could turn into dragon servitor at any point. She could even..." Mr. Lu suddenly trailed off his eyes briefly unfocused. "Well... never mind that. It's a long sad and terrible story."

But he had Tom's attention. "She's ... like me?"

"Yeah, just like you. In fact, when I met her, it seemed like she didn't have long to live." Mr. Lu hooked his thumbs into his khaki's. "It was only by Mrs. Chu's sacrifice that she's here today."

Mr. Lu was staring at him but when he spoke he seemed to be speaking to himself more than anyone else. "That's what this is all about... after all."

Erii reappeared with a large sleeved white haori. The fabric was fine and shiny. She signed in sharp gestures.

"She says you need to bathe first. Then you can wear the clothes."

Much to his surprise, the island had a hot spring that bubbled with a slight sulfury smell. He got in and Mr. Lu stripped down to join him.

Tom crouched awkwardly. His center of gravity had changed with the addition of new limbs. Not having a pinky finger was strangely disabling. He could grab the edge of the pool, but he didn't feel stable. He found himself digging his claws into the stony surface.

He allowed Mr. Lu to scrub his back and hair removing all the sand and blood from him. As he relaxed, the scales lifted to receive the heat from the hot spring and Tom felt an overwhelming sense of wellbeing. He sighed leaned against the edge.

"Feels good doesn't it?" Mr. Lu said knowingly. "Dragons naturally enjoy places like this. The water here is full of nutrients and vitamins."

"So you picked this place on purpose." Tom glanced behind him. "Mrs. Chu, is she like us?"

"Nah, quite the opposite. I can't tell you too much, but she is always in control of her dragonblood. It doesn't control her."

"You mean like you did just a bit ago?" He looked down at his wings.

"Yeah! Just like that.” He smiled but then his expression changed, as though he had realized he was saying too much.

“Do you have her blood?”

“Me? Uh... boy you ask a lot of questions. I need to go for another jog!”

“Who was that guy? Who attacked us...? Why would he do that?” But Mr. Lu was already getting out of the pool. He didn’t say anything as he began wiping himself down with a towel. “Make sure you dry yourself off well before you put those clothes on. It’s silk.”

-

Mingfei walked away from the pool before he could say more. He’d never minded Carli’s endeavors much before. After all, it was nice here. He got to be with Erii and he was doing something that would bring dragons into the future. 

But even after all this time, he was of two minds. On the one hand, he was curious if her vision of a peaceful world between humans, hybrids and dragons was actually possible. He had a growing respect for humans who, despite their indisputable weakness, had borrowed strength from dragons, grown stronger in their own right, and then succeeded in turning him against himself in an effort to end the era of dragons forever.

Were it not for the rifts and wars within their own society, they might have succeeded.

He entered the main house.

Hybrids were split into their own distinct little mini states super imposed on the map of the human world with The Secret Society of Dragonslayers as their defacto army. The Society had factions within itself that had their own agendas, rarely talked to one another, and had a thin line of trust holding it all together.

That trust was being broken. They all suspected it. More and more, Mai and Enxi were tracking incursions onto the island and its surrounding waters. He’d allowed this one intruder to invite himself onto the beach to encourage Tom to let loose. He didn’t realize it, but he was already restraining his blood out of his own self loathing.

Knowing what he did now, it would be easy for Mingfei to pull of a few of those strings and watch the Secret Society members tear themselves apart of their own volition. 

And then what? 

He paused as he spotted Erii blasting away at her games, her twitch responses confounding and pushing the enemy into rage quitting in defeat. Opponent Offline, read the screen.

She turned those ruby eyes on him and immediately world domination no longer mattered to him any more.

He’d hung up that hat. This was much preferable. In another time, he would say that she was his weakness, the thing that kept him from the throne.

“How is he?” She signed. 

“Back to his old self. Questions.”

“Carli called. She wanted to talk to you about what happened.”

“Ah... Okay.” He picked up his phone. “He’s going to be hungry...” He wandered over to the kitchen. “Carli?”

“Is he alright? Who made it here? Did anyone survive?”

“Yes. I don’t know, and no.” He ticked off his fingers. “He’s just fine. More than fine actually. He sprouted wings!”

He listened to her pause, letting those words sink in.  “Wings? Really?”

Her voice grew softer, sadder, wistful.

Mingfei poured an entire bag of chips into a bowl. “Huoli had wings. That’s what you’re thinking?”

When she didn’t answer he leaned against the kitchen counter. “You understand that Tom isn’t your son but you can’t help it. I can tell. After all... if Huoli had lived, he would have been about Tom’s age.”

She cut him off. “Stop, stop saying those things.”

“Listen. I’ll stop saying those things when you go home. Chu Zihang misses you. Your daughter misses you. You’ve been here for weeks. Let me and Erii handle Tom.”

“I can’t go home, I just received three more patients who were able to take the blood serum. I need to see the results through. You didn’t use your powers... did you?”

“No. Don’t worry."

“I don’t like this. What if word gets out about this place? They’ll bomb the island to glass!”

“They’re clearly bored and need something to do. Go home.” He crunched into a chip and grabbed a tub of dip from the refrigerator, closing the door with his foot.

“What are you planning?”

“Something to keep them occupied. Once they’re nicely distracted, you'll have nothing to worry about.”

“Okay...” Her voice was soft and cracking. “Don’t... Don’t hurt anyone. Okay?”

“I didn’t say anything about hurting anyone!” Mingfei paused.

“Your voice... it’s cold.”

“Well... sometimes it is now...” On his way back to the hot spring his eyes fell on Erii again who was still online playing.

“I’m trusting you.” Carli hung up without saying goodbye.

[thejedicounselor]

Solo (Part 2)

Note: This is a continuation of Solo (Part 1) you’ll get two pieces of my writing in one day due to me not posting on here yesterday, please send in requests, I wanna write more than just my series on here. I’ll link Part 1 on here just in case you come across this and haven’t read Part 1. I hope you enjoy this part, sorry about the cliff hanger and the not so good clues to some things about your character and this baby. By the way if you didn’t know the little labels above each section are where you are and what is going on :)

Part 1 Link: https://starwarsrealqueen.tumblr.com/post/189424362318/solo-part-1

Tainor: Hiding 

You were so torn apart to have to leave the only home you ever knew, the only father you ever knew, and the love of your life who also happened to be the father of your child. When you showed up the planet four people, two women dressed in beautiful gowns, and two men dressed in fancy clothes with different colored capes met you. They decided to make you a member of the  monarchy to keep you even more safe than what you already would be. To put into better terms they declared you a princess. You were to watch over the east side of the planet. This planet was lovely, it was covered in a blanket of green, littered with beautiful fields of flowers, and waterfalls fell everywhere there were tall god-placed rocks. And the people, not just the ones you met, but the ones just wandering around were regal and kind-faced. This would make anyone happy. Anyone except you. It wasn’t home. No one was like your family back home, nothing about the atmosphere (besides a Porg or two) was like home. You were misplaced, a red umbrella among a massive quantity of white ones. But your orders and your safety placed you here. The reason Luke picked this location specifically was because it was a median planet. In the middle. Not involved with the star wars in any war like or problem starting way, but helped each side just a little bit every so often. He knew that Ben could never find you if he went looking, and no one but Luke knew where you were. And so hiding began. 

Tainor: Pregnancy 

Having no pregnant women around you, and only having one human woman around you you didn’t know how hard being pregnant was gonna be. Especially with a force baby. You were constantly ill, and having weird realistic dreams. One of them was incredibly repetitive.

 It started out as two men, one in a blue cape, one in a brown vest gambling over a ship. The man in the vest ended up with the ship. Then it led to the man in the cape joining with the darker side of the war and meeting a woman close to a creature/man with a red and black face with horns. They fall in love and disappear from the dark into the shadows, they live a happy life and have a baby. But, eventually the dark reappears and fear begins to kick in. They give their child to a man in light robes, tan and white. Then everything switches to the couple with the man in the vest. He has a child, a son, with a woman with brown hair, brown eyes, who wears the clothes of a princess and a warrior. The two children meet the exact same way Y/N met Ben. Then time flashes one last time, to Y/N holding a baby who opens their eyes, their eyes are a large pool of dark brown. This dream gets more and more detailed and intense the more times you have it. It begins to make you afraid, as you do not understand. 

Besides the dream being an issue, you were constantly in pain with headaches worse than you’d ever had before. Anytime the baby kicked your whole body got dizzy, anytime the baby made a movement bigger than usual you felt shaken up and wobbly. The droids and even living physician blamed your pain on the fact that your baby was special, and has a tight bond with the force. It made you absolutely awful, and the longer you were pregnant, the worse it got. The fact that Ben wasn’t around made everything sadder, more depressing, and harder on you. You missed him with your whole heart, you didn’t understand why he couldn’t be here with you. Why you couldn’t visit him on the long nights, the sick mornings, the complicated decisions, the doctors visit, the weight loss and complications with feeding the baby, and everything else in between. You also wished Luke was still around to see all of this, and help you. You needed them both to be around and help you. You needed to feel Bens touch, you needed to hear Lukes’ voice, you needed to hear Bens advice and kind words, and you needed Luke to father you more. Sadness and pain, physically and mentally over took your whole being. You almost died multiple times from complications that were not all your fault, a few were. But, not all. It got harder and harder, and by the time you were 7.5 months pregnant you had to pull it together or you were gonna die. You were way too skinny, pale, and the illnesses you suffered just from carrying the baby was making things much worse. Everyone suggested finding inner peace and letting go of the past, and so you went to do so..

The Beautiful Courtyard of Tainor: Regaining Strength

Meditation, one of the many things you learned from being with Luke. It was relaxing, the baby also enjoyed it. You sat in the middle of the courtyard often. just to meditate. You began to realize that you didn’t lose Ben. No, you still had a piece of him, you had a person with him. Even though he wasn’t there to see it, it was still happening. The baby in your stomach already had the same powers as Ben, acted a little bit like him, and you were almost sure that it was a boy, and if it was you knew it would look just like him. Instead of thinking of this in a negative way you allowed it to be positive. You just played it as, this is little Ben inside of me, I would do anything for Ben, so now i’ll do anything for this baby. Though that wasn’t completely healthy it was keeping you alive. You did more things for you health, took much better care of yourself. Your skin started to be light not grey, your body was glowing not fading away to bone, and the baby settled down. But, what you didn’t realize you were doing was channeling a gift you have. See, the force works in many ways, it’s not just moving rocks. The type of force gift you had was the ability to show people things, to put them into new places and situations, in which they can feel the total gravity. You can also manipulate what they see to not be completely what actually happened as well. You keep your specific force ability under wraps and continue on with the pregnancy and ponder about of you’ll still have that gift when you’re no longer pregnant.

Tainor: Birth of a Solo:

The day came, you fell asleep quite early but woke up in the early AMs to a horrible feeling in your stomach. You felt a bubble, and went to use the restroom, upon arrival to the toilet you released amniotic fluid. The baby was coming. You made your way to the medical bay and they knew exactly what was going on. You were rushed to the birthing room, and taken care of. Your labor lasted hours, but in the end, when the baby was ready to come you felt a connection, an ora surround you. You were calling Bens name in your head over and over, and suddenly you felt his prescence. You could feel his hand in yours again, even though you couldn’t see him. You gave birth and the connection disapated. You gave birth to healthy baby boy with tuffs of black hair on his head, and when you held him, just like in the dream, his huge brown eyes opened and looked right into yours. What you didn’t realize was the force connected you and Kylo in that moment, he knew you had a baby, his baby. And he had a very short force connection with his son, who looked at him in the eyes just as he looked at you moments before..

[rambling-at-midnight]

Pick Your Battles: Part 1/5

Request: Can you do a story for Five. The reader was his partner in the commission & came back with him to help stop the apocolypse also getting stuck as a teenager. After they stop the apocolypse, since they're stuck as teenagers & reader & Five didn't really have a childhood bc of the Commission & the Umbrella Academy, she wants to do normal teen stuff that she never got to experience and drags Five along with her & along the way he's like "fuck I think I love her." Thank you! (anonymous)

Pairing: Five x Reader

You were born in the quaint year 429 BC to your father, Aetius, and your mother, Phaedra, in the city of Sparta. Now, Spartan life was in no way luxurious, but there was a certain gloom over your childhood that didn’t plague the children of former generations, and that gloom was the Peloponnesian War. While before there might have been some relaxation and games during the day, now there was only training.

While you might have been born in a more tolerant city that allowed you to interact with males on an almost-even footing, there was still the chafing you felt every day when your brother was glorified and you were passed over. Every time you trained, you thought about fighting in the war and bringing down the Delian League, and every time troops were sent out, you were not chosen.

That’s not to say you weren’t held in high regard in your community; no, you’ve never hesitated when it came to killing your enemies during play fights. The few times someone had tried to kill you to usurp you, you’d managed to kill them instead. You weren’t the best by any means, but you were in the upper-middle position of the community.

“Y/N, those who go to the war don’t come back,” your mother often says. She’s not held as high in regard in the community because she has what she calls ‘intelligence and an affinity for picking her battles’. You pick your battles, too; you never go into a fight you’re not sure you’ll win, and you’re astute enough to know when to go after someone and when not to.

The only reason why you don’t dress up as a boy and join the war yourself is that no one comes home intact. You like to fight, you like to kill, but you like to live first and foremost. When your brother left, a boy at the very top of his class, it only took a month for news to return to the city that everyone in his squadron had been butchered by the Delians.

Everyone else calls Phaedra a coward. It’s shameful to be born of a coward, especially when your father goes off to war and doesn’t come back. Whatever reputation he’d built up by being a decent fighter is quickly forgotten. You’re left scrambling for a secure position in the training academy and Spartan community. No one but your mother can see you struggle, and not even her—one of the males you’d formerly eaten across from had his throat slit by his mother for not being as successful as she wanted. She could easily do the same to you.

Familial bonds mean nothing the moment you turn twelve. You’d slit your mother’s throat if you had to, you’d poison your father if it meant you would be held in higher regard, you’d poke your brother’s eye out if he was threatening you. It is the way of the Spartans, thus it is the way of you.

You hadn’t realized someone had been watching your every move, watching as you picked your battles and manipulated others into thinking you’d never turn down a fight, watching as your determination, pragmaticality, and bloodlust turned you into the perfect weapon for the thing they wanted you to become.

You had realized, however, that another girl that had long since been vying for a stronger position in the community had been watching you. Her name was Anthia, which was a weak name for a weak girl. You’re not quite sure if she’s ever had an opinion of her own. Though being a chameleon is useful in some situations, she takes it to an extreme level. Ever since you’d knocked her flat on her ass during a training session, she’s been looking for a way to humiliate you as well, but you’d gotten too good too fast for her to even remotely keep up.

One cool night, when your mother left the windows open because the wind was nice and she hadn’t made anyone angry in a while, a legion of Delian troops attacked your city. Amid the mingled panic and excitement that gripped you as you put on your armor for possibly the last time, your head had been cool. Various shouts sounded from the far part of the city, far away from your house.

“Where are you going?” you’d asked when you’d seen your mother packing.

“To see Hades,” she’d replied tightly. “Or get away. This is not the fight for you, Y/N.”

“Our city,” you’d said in disbelief, dropping your spear. “Our friends are in danger!”

“And we are on the defensive side,” she’d replied. “We were taken by surprise. There is no way this ends well for anyone that stays and fights.”

“This is why they call you coward,” you’d replied, shaking your head.

“I’ll leave and live a coward,” she’d replied. “Come with me, Y/N. We’ll find another city not so torn with fighting and betrayal, we’ll—” But she never gets to finish. You shove your sword through her stomach, an odd feeling pricking behind your eyes and making them water slightly.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper as she sinks to the ground, choking on her own blood. “I’ll not be the daughter to a traitor. I’ll not have your legacy taint me more.”

In her last moments, your mother’s eyes meet yours and she nods slightly, hands clutching the sword.

You pull it out of her torso, a wave of blood falling out after it, and your destiny was sealed, even if you didn’t know it then. You were perfect; no familial ties to hold you back. You’d proven you’d do whatever it takes to realize your ambitions; you just needed a little guide in finding those ambitions. With a little bit of help, you would be the perfect assassin for the Temps Commission.

You’d choked, then, a little, at the sight of your mother sprawled on the ground, dead at your hand, and the knowledge that you have nothing now. Will your murder be held in good respect or not by the community?

It doesn’t matter; there are still invaders that you need to fend off. This is what your fighting has come to; this one moment is the climax and finale of your life.

You step out of your house lighter and heavier, happier and sadder, more scared and less scared at the same time. You’d been contemplating the murder for months; a coward mother would hurt you more than you were willing to sacrifice, and now that it’s over you don’t regret it but you do.

It doesn’t matter. There’s an invader in your field of sight, now, that hasn’t spotted you yet. He’s sneaking alongside the house of one of your neighbors, trying to peek through the windows.

You grip your sword tighter in your hand and prepare yourself as the man gets ever closer. There’s simply a two foot difference between your house and that house, and once he gets to the corner you’ll lunge. You’re prepared, he’s not. It’s the perfect opportunity.

Something skitters on the gravel ground behind you, and you whirl, only to see Anthia already stabbing at you with her own sword. It’s too late for you to dodge, too late for you to anything but sink your sword into her torso as well, but for some reason she freezes.

You take advantage of her sudden hesitation—weak—and fall backwards, cutting your palms on the rough stony ground, but it’s much better than being dead. When you try to sweep your foot underneath hers and topple her, it feels like you had tried to kick your house. She doesn’t budge. That can’t be right, you frown. Anthia has notoriously weak ankles.

“Now, that’s not necessary,” someone says in a voice that sounds unfamiliar to your language. They butcher the pronunciation, really, but you can barely make out what they’re saying.

It must be the invader.

You jump to your feet, your sword already in your hand and flying in the air as you swing it at the invader, but the invader doesn’t make a sound when you plunge your sword into his stomach and pull it out. No blood falls out of his stomach at the wound. “What the Hades?”

“That would be me,” the strange voice, so unfamiliar says, and you turn just enough. A bizarre-looking woman with odd hair, a weirdly colored face, and alien garments greets you. She wiggles her fingers at you. Her other hand is clutching a big black… something. “Hello. Y/N, isn’t it?”

You try to stab her.

Umbrella Academy Taglist:

@fentanvl @deathswretch @lightningidiot @five-hg @iamsnek666@ameliatrh @ihatecheesyusernames @dora-the-grownup

Forever Taglist:

@lemirabitur @annymcervantes

[3w-writer-with-wings]

1, 5, 6, 10, 17, 19, 22, 23, and 34 for the yugioh meme?

1)  Favourite Yu-Gi-Oh! series

This is like asking me which out of my six children should survive while the other five die XD. I love all the series since they all have both pros and cons, and they all have interesting characters and stories, but I guess ARC V will always have a special place in my heart since it got me back in Yugioh fandom (I stopped after 5Ds for a while several years ago). VRAINS is currently my favourite series plotwise since it continues to surprise me and keeps me hyped every single week.

5)  Favourite opening/ending

For the opening, it’s a tie between second and fifth ARC V opening. “Burn” has an incredibly upbeat melody that makes me smile every time I listen to it. “Light of Hope” on the other hand tells a story of how there is despair but smiles will be there to make it go away. I’m rather torn between choosing either of them since they are both really nice endings. As for ending - “Close to You”, 4th ending from 5Ds. I first started watching 5Ds in English dub but once I caught up with it, I was too curious what is going to happen next so I started watching Japanese dub from that point on and that was probably the smartest decision ever. I got to see “Close to You” not only as the first Yugioh Japanese ending but the very first anime ending ever. I loved every single moment of it, of all the characters just chilling around the city, then meeting up, watching the sunrise and then riding D-Wheels with their dragons! It is an ending that is beyond perfect and really emphasises the bonds and friendship between all Signers. 

6)  Favourite character

If you had asked me this question before Takeru showed up, I would’ve probably blurted out the names of several characters and say how I love them all, but Takeru is a special case. You see, he is a character that I loved before he even officially appeared XD. I’m following the news, cast lists and summaries, so when Takeru showed up for the first time in an anime magazine (like a month before his official anime appearance), I fell in love with everything about him. Both his human self and avatar had all the right colours and designs that fit his personality well, his backstory was intriguing, I was already looking forward to seeing another Lost Child and out of all possible voices, he got to be voiced by one and only Kaji Yuuki (who is among my Top 3 anime voice actors!). Then he showed up in the new opening and ending and him being friendly and cosy with Yusaku was just plain adorable! I had no idea what his role was going to be but from that point it was clear - Yusaku is getting a new friend! And was his entrance perfect - lightning, fire tornado and then him! 10/10 Burner of Souls! Not only was he righteously hyped up, but he also continues to be amazing and I have a feeling his character will get even more development!    

10)  Favourite Duel Monster

It’s hard to pick a single monster, but I love every single card in Johan’s deck aka. Crystal/Gem Beast archetype. The designs are simple but so well executed and out of all of them, it’s hard to pick just one. I love their story, the legend and just the fact how much they all care about Johan, trying to reach out to him when Yubel possessed him. A big plus is also the fact how much personality they all have and they are always there to help up Johan.

17)  Have you ever cried over YGO and why?

You should’ve rather ask me when I didn’t lol. But yeah in every spinoff there was a moment that I actually cried. In original series there were two moments, when Yugi duelled Atem in the fourth season, letting him defeat him and then fading away in his arms and the Ceremonial duel when Yugi stumbled on his knees and cried, I cried with him cuz I also didn’t want Atem to go. Then in GX, it was basically whenever Judai would show vulnerability, cuz really, I hated his guts and his goofy overpowered persona. But then when he lost Johan, when he was afraid of Yubel, when he succumbed to the power of Supreme King and the entire season 4 when he was battling with depression - to see someone so cheerful becoming a mere shell of himself was so darn sad. 5Ds started darker but nothing could prepare me for two scenes, Yusei nearly dying, being afraid to duel and then watching his friend die in his arms and then losing another friend for real (Bruno! :’( ). Zexal made me cry a weird mixture of happy and sad tears whenever Yuma and Astral did something. When Astral sacrificed himself for Yuma I don’t know when I cried more - when Yuma watched Astral die or Yuma suffering from major depression for the next few episodes. But that scene when he got reunited with Astral was that more powerful because of it and their relationship is truly the purest of them all. ARC V, spinoff all about smiles was probably one of the saddest series, not just because of many sad moments throughout the whole thing aka. Yuto dying in Yuya’s arms for real, Yugo losing Rin, Yuya losing Yuzu, the fate of other Bracelet Girls and Yu-Boys and the overall ending, but also how inconclusive the ending felt. I kinda get the point was to show the realism of war, how not everyone can get a happy ending but it could still be executed better. Then there’s VRAINS…. *sighs* where do I even start with this….

VRAINS truly took the plotline seriously and doesn’t seem like it’s going to back down. It is like the writing staff put together a medley of the saddest moments in Yu-Gi-Oh! and were like, “Let’s make it sadder!”. From the fact that mere six-year-old children were tortured so badly, that Ryoken was so messed up by his father, that all Lost Children are still suffering in one way or another, that SOL practically killed a living being and all the drama that it’s going on between Yusaku and Kusanagi right now. Last week’s episode had me nearly tear up and for tomorrow I will most definitely cry. It’s just so painful to see someone so desperate to save their own family, to attack someone they were all set to protect just a few episodes ago… And VRAINS isn’t even over yet. I thought nothing could top Earth’s death scene, but from the looks of it, tomorrow will be getting a dose of the most painful feels.

19)  Least favourite series

It’s a tie between GX and the first series if I had to choose one. GX has a rather monotone first half when there is some stuff going on, but it’s really episodic and easily forgotten. While there were some interesting episodes, the rest was just one giant filler that tried to deliver too much nostalgia from the first series instead of developing on its own. And speaking of the first series - I know the card game wasn’t as developed at the time so tons of duels made absolutely no sense. Then it was only Yugi, Kaiba and Joey having the development and extremely long duels that were starting to feel off and annoying to watch. But overall - I know that was the very first series and the spinoff, so it was obvious it wouldn’t be perfect. What I truly love about Yu-Gi-Oh! is that it’s a franchise that continues to grow with every single spin-off, even if they’re becoming less relevant they are still getting stronger storywise.

22)  Least favourite character

This little brat is a perfect representation of how to create the most annoying character. Everything about him screams “annoying, useless and awful”. It would be completely fine if he was an episodic villain, but noooo for some reason writing staff was like, “hey let’s make this dude into Yuma’s friend”. I get it, Yuma can make friends easily, but for the love of God, why him?! Yuma has enough friends already, why bring this brat into his group? Tokunosuke has literally no purpose to be here but to cause trouble or be a plot device to bring Yuma trouble. Okay, I was fine with that one time that he got Yuma into trouble and Yuma still forgave him, but why the hell did they have a need to repeat that three more times? I feel the same way about Kotori - she has no basic purpose but to be moral support or act as a damsel in distress.ZEXAL had way too many characters and out of them all, they picked the most useless ones for major roles. 

23)  NOTP

Canon datastormshipping. I think I made it clear why I dislike it in two posts already, but I guess I could sum it up for the third time. In canon verse they are two unstable people who bring out the worst of each other. They rarely interact, their ideologies are vastly different and they are in a way obsessed with each other in a very unhealthy way. If the two of them dated it would most likely result in a very toxic relationship which would only worsen up their already broken mental states. Again, I greatly dislike this ship in canon verse (in anime up to episode 92) and my opinion could change by the end of VRAINS. I still like the fanfics and fanarts that depict “what if” scenarios where their relationship could work (I’m actually writing one at the moment and I have plans to write one where I focus on their relationship in detail), but canon shipping just feels off and dysfunctional.

34)  If you met Kazuki Takahashi, what would you say to him?

First of all, I would thank him for coming up with those amazing characters and plotlines. I still love the original manga and season 0 the most since it had so much creativity with different games, but I can see it keep getting included more with new summoning methods and unique stories. Then I would most likely present him my idea for the 7th series and its protagonist. From the start of the series, there wasn’t much about card game production or who designs them. We got some info on how Pegasus discovered Millenium Items and the tablet with Egyptian Gods and in GX it showed Hayato working as a card game designer. I would love to see a protagonist who loves games just like Yugi and wishes to create more, so he strives to become the best card game designer. He is not that keen on playing the game since he prefers to make the cards more, but when he creates a particular card(kinda like how Takato created Guilmon in Digimon Tamers) he is pulled into an adventure where he must find other cards that contain powerful Duel Monsters spirits and he has to lock them back into their cards. I would also love to have a protagonist that can talk with spirits again since while Judai had adorable interactions with Winged Kuriboh and Neo Spacians, it was still largely brushed aside and not that much explored. So yeah please make the next protagonist into a card game designer, it will be unique and open to so many interesting plotlines and potentials. 

[junker-town]

9 thoughts I had watching ‘Little Giants’ for the first time

Little Giants takes place in the fictional town of Urbania, Ohio, where everyone has strange food traditions. | Warner Brothers production / SB Nation illustration

This movie is great.

I just finished watching Little Giants for the first time, and I’ve got to say it’s an absolute delight. It spreads the message of teamwork and determination, but also the problem with boomers and rampant corn wastage.

If you haven’t seen the movie, lemme give you the elevator pitch: A team of “losers,” coached by a “loser,” band together to beat a team of “winners” in a game of pee-wee football. In the end, everyone learns that friendship and family is the real prize.

Watching as an adult for the first time, here are my thoughts!

Kevin is a sad, sad dude.

Kevin O’Shea (Ed O’Neill) is unquestionably the tragic figure in this film. A star football player, we’re never told what caused Kevin to flame out of the NFL. Everyone talks about his high school career and the fact he won the Heisman, but he obviously didn’t make an impact in the pros. Instead, he moved back to Urbania, Ohio, started a Chevrolet dealership, and exists in a local diner to keep reminding old dudes that he was a legend. Even they’re growing tired of his shtick.

Kevin is a joke to his family, annoys almost everyone around him, and he’s only regarded highly by his brother, Danny (Rick Moranis), and assistant pee-wee coach Harold Butz (Joe Bays). The movie positions him as this winner, which I’m sure resonated with kids watching the movie — but to me, I couldn’t reconcile the inescapable sadness of this dude. He literally has nothing to live for but coaching this pee-wee team to try and cling to his fading glory. I struggle to find anything in this world sadder than people who are in their 30s and 40s excitedly recalling high school stories because they have achieved so little of note in the 20 years since.

It’s OK to dislike Kevin, though, because he’s a sexist asshole. He decides not to pick Becky “Icebox” O’Shea (Shawna Waldron) to be a member of his team, only because she’s a girl. This is his own niece, and Icebox friggin’ owns. She’s better than every kid in town, but she doesn’t make the team because of gender.

“Danny, I hate to break it to you, but Icebox is a girl. Now, maybe if you’d start treating her like a girl, she’d start acting like one.”

Kevin’s wife, Karen, even confronts him at dinner about not picking Icebox and he doubles down on the decision. He’s aptly called a chauvinist, and then we get to the most disturbing moment of the movie.

WHY DOES THE O’SHEA FAMILY NEED SO MUCH CORN?!

At the 13:11 mark of the movie, we’re introduced to an ordinary, run-of-the-mill dinner scene. I’ll admit I’ve never had this kind of nuclear family, serving-dish dinner thing — but this is a mess nonetheless. Four people are at the table: Kevin, Karen, and their daughters, Debbie and Priscilla. Nobody else is expected, and there is no mention of this being a special occasion or gathering.

I stopped multiple times while watching to ensure the veracity of the corn count. The count is solid, the count is good. So why the hell did the O’Shea family prepare 11 ears of corn for dinner? It’s such an oddly specific number. Who goes to the store and is like “11 ears of corn, please”?

This entire dinner scene is a mess. They’re eating ham, turkey, corn, broccoli, salad, rolls, mashed potatoes — there are TWO gravy boats on the table. This is a Thanksgiving spread on a weeknight. No wonder boomers robbed this earth of all its natural resources and put humanity on the brink of extinction.

The unexpected monologue about infertility and miscarriage, in a children’s movie.

At 24:32, Cheryl Berman brings her son, Jake, to the garage for football practice. Jake, a hacking and wheezing nerd, is the son of a hypochondriac who spends A FULL 2 MINUTES explaining to Danny about how Jake was almost a miscarriage.

“You can’t be too cautious. After all, we never thought we’d have children. Not after trying for 13 years. It was me. When I finally did get pregnant, the doctor ordered me off to bed. I spent nine miserable months on my back. If I’d rolled over I could have lost him. And the birth ... God only knows the pain. He weighed only 1 pound, 11 ounces — he spent the first six weeks of his life in an incubator — and I think football is just the medicine for him.”

Hey Little Giants, YOU’RE A KIDS MOVIE. Was this supposed to pull adults in? You know there are so many ways you can establish Jake being a germ kid without his mom giving a damn monologue on how he almost died in the womb. Jesus.

The weirdest grocery store in the world.

In dire need of a quarterbacks, some kids find Junior (Devon Sawa) at a grocery store throwing rolls of toilet paper into a grocery cart. Certified dreamboat Junior is the focus of this scene, but I couldn’t concentrate because of this stores shelves.

How many egg noodles are the people of Urbania consuming? Now, if we’re to assume that Urbania is basically Urbana, Ohio, then the population is somewhere around 12,000. There are 456 visible units of egg noodles on the shelf as Icebox walks past.

I went to my local store in Greenville, NC — population 93,000. There were 30 packages of egg noodles on the shelf split across brands. This means that expected egg noodle consumption in Urbania is 119 times greater than Greenville.

They also need boatloads of vegetable oil and applesauce too, apparently.

The only inference I can make from this is that Oily Apple Noodles is the town dish.

The secret weapon is a roided up child monster.

We’re basically at the midpoint of the movie, and Kevin’s Cowboys are starting to get a little concerned with Danny’s Giants. After a “hilarious” scheme where Danny calls the cops and infers that his own brother is a child molester spying on the kids, both are trying to find an edge.

And yes, there’s a surprise waiting for both of them: Spike, an adult-sized running back who just arrived in town with a flat-top sporting dad who’s bred him into being a football machine through the time-honored tradition of being a horrible parent.

The first time we see Spike on screen, he’s carrying a refrigerator out of the back of a U-Haul and scowling the entire time. This is not a happy child, and yet Danny can’t wait to get him on the team — even lying to ensure it’s a possibility.

Naturally, this all unravels. Spike is too aggressive, can only speak in the third person, and threatens everyone. He is a demonstrably horrible human — and it’s not his fault.

Urbania, home of giant ice.

We’ve already established that this town has some weird food traditions, but it turns out this extends to ice too.

Look at the size of those cubes in Becky’s soda. What is up with this diner that you order a drink and get two whiskey cubes?

Everything in this town is strange.

Enter John Madden and friends.

The Little Giants are at a crossroads. Torn apart by Spike’s attitude, they decide football isn’t fun anymore and walk away from the game. Thankfully, in a stunning case of deus ex Maddena, John Madden and a group of football stars are taking the bus to Canton for a Hall of Fame banquet. Lost, and in dire need of directions, Madden and Co. decide helping a pee-wee football team is more important than their prior commitment and meet with the team.

It’s unclear exactly what the NFL players add to the Little Giants. We’ll get to this later.

Someone PLEASE help these kids understand human sexuality.

So we’ve established that Becky is head-over-heels for Junior. The two meet at the side of the lake and talk about kissing, in a scene designed to tease a potential love angle in the film. Then we get this, utterly baffling exchange.

Junior: You want to learn how to kiss!? Becky: Hey, we’re going to have to learn how to do it sooner or later. I mean, you know, if you want to have kids and get a job and stuff. Junior: You can have kids without kissing. Becky: Yeah, but you can’t get a job.

Oh God, there’s a lot to unpack here. No matter which way you slice it, these kids are woefully confused about what it takes to start a career. Maybe the job market in Urbania circa 1994 was different, but the idea that you can’t get a job without kids is some backwards-ass thinking if even I’ve seen it.

The Battle for Urbania.

With 37 minutes remaining, we finally get to the big game between the Cowboys and the Little Giants, taking place on the world’s nicest pee-wee football field. The Giants are without Icebox, because Becky has decided to be a cheerleader instead of a player in an effort to make Junior think of her more like a girl.

Icebox, if he doesn’t like you for playing football, he doesn’t deserve you.

There is literally nothing else to do in Urbania, because the almost entire town has shown up — and those who can’t be there can listen to it on the radio because there’s an actual radio announcer FOR A CHILD’S FOOTBALL GAME.

This announcer (Harry Shearer of The Simpsons fame) is super inappropriate too. After one of the Giants is kicked in the groin he says:

“Someone’s holding about a pound of Aunt Betty’s nut butter right now.”

SIR, YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT A CHILD!

The Giants get utterly demolished in the first half, and they want to quit. Danny delivers a motivational speech, telling his team that while they might not be better overall, you never know what can happen in a game. Maybe, just maybe they can beat the Cowboys — once. That’s all it takes.

Amped up and ready to go, we hit the second half and the Giants look like a different team. It’s at this point the Giants call the cruelest play in the history of football at any level. Johnny has been established as a fairly somber kid. All he wants is his dad to notice him, but his dad is always leaving on business. Sad woodwind music accompanies all his scenes, and it’s a tragic B plot in the movie.

Johnny gets the handoff and lo and behold, his dad is back and waiting in the end zone. It’s here where Becky yells: “Just run to him!” Yes, the Giants are leveraging Johnny’s feelings of inadequacy and loneliness to win. It’s tragic.

Johnny, Johnny? Yes, papa? Scoring touchdowns? Yes, papa Telling lies? No, papa I love you now. WAA WAA WAA

Finally, after its presence being teased all movie long, we finally get to see “The Annexation of Puerto Rico,” the trick play devised by Nubie (Matthew McCurley) that he discussed with Madden. It’s a hidden ball play with swelling music, and against the odds it works.

The Giants win, Danny is elated. Kevin is utterly devastated because not only did he lose the game and therefore his entire reason for existence, but he also bet his entire car dealership on the game because he’s an idiot.

Think about this for a second: All Kevin has in this life is football and his business. He just lost both. Payback for his sexism and corn wastage, in my opinion.

Danny, merciful as he is, says he doesn’t plan to take the business and asks if they want to coach together. The movie closes with the town water tower being repainted from honoring Kevin O’Shea to “The O’Shea Brothers,” because in Urbania winning a single pee-wee game is the equivalent to a Heisman career.

Final thoughts.

This is a good-ass kids sports movie that I’m angry I didn’t see before now. I 100 percent would have had a major crush on Icebox if I watched this as a kid, because she’s one of the greatest characters in any kid’s sport movie.

The best sports movies have characters you can identify with and make you feel like you’re in the movie. Shoutout to farting lineman Rudy Zolteck (Michael Zwiener) for making me feel like one of the gang.

I give Little Giants nine ears of corn out of 10 plates of Urbania Oily Apple Noodles.

[bensaundersposts-blog]

Blog

Wednesday 14th November 2018 Sat down with my collaborator to discuss the upcoming project. I had already decided on doing a concept album based on The Great Gatsby, as we had actually started work on a song with such a concept a few months prior, titled Buchanan Street. We chose this source of inspiration because we both love the book and have great reverence and understanding of it, and we know it is a deep well from which to draw inspiration.

Wednesday 21st November

Had our first songwriting session dedicated to this project, repurposing a song we had started earlier in the year as I thought the mood and lyrical content of the piece fit with the direction of the project nicely. The lyrics evoked to me an image of Gatsby and Daisy Buchannan on their first night together, talking things out late in the evening after the excitement had died down, picking apart each other’s minds and motivations, and trying to peel away the layers of pretence surrounding their personas. The music is melancholy and atmospheric and suggests the beginnings of the disillusionment of Gatsby’s dream as he is finally presented with the object of years of his desire, only to find it imperfect and something that could never live up to the dream.

Wednesday 28th November

Continued work on the aforementioned song which we decided to entitle Behind Dark Glasses. Also started a new song, Sins of the Father, following a discussion on how nobody ever really thinks of the events of The Great Gatsby from Daisy’s perspective, focussing instead on Gatsby and Nick’s feelings, so it would be interesting to look at things through her point of view. As such, we began to think how she would view the situation, torn between an unhappy-but-stable marriage, and the distant promise of a potentially better future with the man she had all but given up on years prior. We also thought about a concept brought up in the book of the cycle of negative behaviours and how they are learned. Daisy is, in essence, as we all are, simply acting out based on her surroundings and upbringing - repeating the sins of her father, as each generation tends to repeat the same mistakes as the preceding one, because it’s how they’ve been brought up, and all they know.

Wednesday 5th December

Decided to potentially do Sins of the Father as a duet, with one verse from Daisy’s perspective and another from Gatsby’s, with the two of them singing in harmony by the end. To accomplish this we can get our singer’s sister to do a guest vocal spot. This was an idea from the mind of my collaborator, who noted that the vocal harmony part I had devised for the end of the tune would lend itself to this approach.

Wednesday 12th December

Decided to employ some of my reharmonisation skills in an attempt to make Behind Dark Glasses more musically interesting. Perhaps a symptom of having spent so much time playing/listening to it, the simplicity of the chord progression was starting to get to me. The song is in 7/8 and alternates meter with 4/4 several times throughout, so is interesting rhythmically, and structurally, but I still felt I needed to spice up the harmony a little. I went from a vi-IV-I-V progression of Am-F-C-G to a vi-ii-I-iii progression of Am-Dm/A-C-Em, which I felt was significantly more interesting and slightly less predictable, and the inclusion of the E minor especially lended a darker, sadder tone to the overall piece.

Wednesday 19th December

Again continuing work on Behind Dark Glasses, I looked at the B section of the song which modulates from A minor to A major and features the progression Dmaj7-E(7). I liked the way the E7 acted as a turnaround chord back to A minor via its appearance in both the A major and A harmonic minor scales, but suddenly realised that I could use the Dmaj7 and E7 as bVI and bVII chords respectively to modulate to the new key of F# major, which sounded extremely triumphant and lended itself to a big, bombastic final “chorus” section for our song. Initially the two A minor and A major sections were already in contrast with each other, one dark and brooding and the other more uplifting and catchy, but this third section really elevated the song to new heights, soaring and really giving the song the kick it needed. How exactly the lyrics would progress into this section after being about such a somber topic for so long, we were yet to discover.

Wednesday 9th January 2019

After a short (ish) break for Christmas, we got right back into the swing of things by practicing the two songs we had written thus far, making slight alterations to the lyrics and melody. We then re-began work on the song that started it all, Buchanan Street. We already had a vague idea that this would be a more general, retrospective look at the events of the novel, mentioning things like he green light, the expensive cars and the valley of ashes. We also had a line for the ending of the song, “Don’t know where to go//Got to go my own way”, which we felt encapsulated a feeling of wanting to move on after the life-changing events of the novel, albeit being unsure of exactly where or how.

Wednesday 20th February

Contact with my collaborator at this point had become very sporadic and it was becoming increasingly difficult to actually get any work done with him. In his defense he had a couple of good excuses - his uncle died, then he had to attend the funeral, then his family went away on holiday, then his grandma got diagnosed with dementia and he had to help out in the purchase and renovation of a property close to his own house to which he and his family members could easily travel to look after her, etc etc. Every week he had a new excuse and every week I began to get more and more anxious over whether or not I would be able to make the May deadline for our project, and it was my degree on the line, not his. I don’t really blame him for circumstances outwith his control, but he has also proven to be somewhat unreliable on occasions prior and since. Due to all of this, during discussions with my lecturer we elected that I make a final decision on whether or not to proceed with the collaborative side of the project, or just do it all on my own, most likely completely instrumentally. Feeling that our idea had a lot of potential and that it would be a shame not to attempt to push forward with our project as initially planned, I decided to carry on with the collaboration, but really start to drill into my partner just how important this is and how little time we have left. Perhaps I could have planned things a little better, met up with him more than once a week and had other avenues available for myself to explore should our partnership give way, but I was a little one-track-minded on this idea and hoped everything would work out well.

Wednesday 6th March

We decided from this point on to really get a move on and to try and get one studio rehearsal session and one at-home writing session per week, in order to work on vocal melodies and lyrics respectively. We found that writing at my house was great for coming up with lyrics but bad for trying to come up with vocal melodies as we couldn’t be as loud outwith a studio, so decided to combine approaches. Continuing to work on Behind Dark Glasses, Sins of the Father and Buchanan Street, I had by this point created MIDI demos with some recorded audio tracks in Logic, nailing out structures and sounds and other minutia of our songs, coming up with vocal melodies and harmonies, etc. I had also started music for two new songs, tentatively titled Sailing (Track 01) and Oatabix.

Wednesday 13th March

At this point I had noticed something - all of our songs thus-far are mostly mid-tempo, ballad-y sorts of songs, which are great in isolation, but a good album needs variation. Look at my favourite concept album, American Idiot, for example - it has a nice blend of short, punky songs (American Idiot, She’s A Rebel), longer, more operatic songs (Jesus of Suburbia, Homecoming), and slower ballads (Are We the Waiting, Wake Me Up When September Ends). Noting this, I decided to make our opening track Sailing a faster, more exciting, more direct and more simple, back-to-basics rocker, and attempt to come up with at least one other new song in a similar vein, as Oatabix was another slow-burner.

Wednesday 20th March

Finding it very difficult to come up with more exciting songs than the ones we have already, we turned our attention to first tidying up the lyrics we had written thus far, and then finishing off all of the lyrics for Behind Dark Glasses, Sins of the Father and Buchanan Street. Noting that is was getting very close to April, the month in which we had initially planned to begin our recording process, we chatted briefly about recording avenues, and decided to record at West College Scotland’s Greenock campus, as we know Andrew McDermid who works there, and my collaborator guaranteed that we could get in. For the recordings I decided I am going to re-amp all of my guitars, meaning I will get perfect performances recorded at home into my computer which I can then bring into the studio to be re-recorded through amplifiers, in order to save time in the studio. I am going to do guitars and bass and program any synth parts, and Mark is going to do all the vocals, and we are going to get my friend and longtime collaborator Jake Fisher to do the drums.

Wednesday 27th March

Another week of no correspondence from Mark, I was beginning to get very stressed. However, we arranged to meet up in a studio on the upcoming Friday and hopefully blast out as much as we possibly can in the three hours allotted.

[happiness030]

Choosing a side

So one of the things I put on my Unhappiness list was “Being torn to choose a side between two people I care about” Usually I never pick a side. They tear at me to attempt to get me to choose a side but I usually stand my ground. Or I choose them both. How I do that is I simply agree with the person when I’m with them, tell them how they have a point and that they’re right. Then I do the exact same with the other person. After that I simply hope they don’t drag me into it when they get together and argue. It’s always caused me pain to hear both their sides and having them always try to force me to agree with them whenever I was with the person or the other. Because of this Happiness Project, I’m going to try to take a side. Maybe if I take a side from the start, they won’t pester me as much. I’ll choose a side, tell the other person why this person is right and they’ll leave me alone. So I tried this out a day ago, My mom became upset with my sister while we were attempting to get my sister a car. We ended up finding out my sister couldn’t get a car because apparently she decided to help a friend out and put down her name on a car that her friend had bought. This friend is known for being a bad influence, a troublemaker, and simply bad at earning money. So when my mom found out, they both got into an argument. I, unfortunately, was there as well. I decided to take my moms side, seeing that my sister has helped this friend out so much and this friend has done nothing for her. This did not go well. When my sister realized I was taking my moms side, she grew even more upset. I could see the hurt in her eyes and I felt like I lost a bit of her confidence in me. I don’t think I succeeded in this attempt to make this no longer a sadness of mine. I think I made this even sadder for myself. So my first attempt in trying to make something that makes me sad no longer something brings me unhappiness was an ultimate fail.

Choosing a side is like deciding which puppy you’ll take from the pound. You’ll be taking one to the warmth of your home, and leaving the other within the dark, cold cell.

[shanechuilee]

It's hard to answer the question "what's wrong" when nothing is right. I love sleep. My life has this tendency to fall apart when I'm awake. Maybe I am crazy but laughing makes the pain pass by. Even the people who never frown eventually break down. You look at me and think, 'he's so happy' but there's so much behind this fake smile that you will never know People are always telling me to smile, like smiling is going to just take away all the hurt and pain. Well I've tried that I've tried hiding my sorrows and covering the sadness in smiles and what I've learned is that when it hurts this much inside your heart always has a way of showing it no matter how many masks you wear. The pain is there to remind me that I'm still alive. It seems to me that the harder I try the harder I fall. It's funny the way you can get used to the tears and the pain. What do you do when you become too scared, too scared to live, too scared to die, too scared to love, too scared to even care? Sometimes the littlest thing in life changes someone forever and there will be times when you wish you can go back to how things used to be but you just can't because things have changed so much. Sometimes I think that if I wasn't so good at pretending to be happy, I'd be better at actually being happy. I quit, I give up, nothing's good enough for anybody else, it see... when I’m all alone its best way to be. When I'm by myself nobody else can say good-bye. Everything is temporary anyway. I have a tendency to hurt myself physically, when I'm hurting inside. Every night before I go to sleep I lie on my bed and stare up at my blank walls. I try to imagine the future, but right now it's as blank as those walls. All I can see is a past that I barely recognize any more. I don't want the world to see me, because I don't think that they'd understand. Look at me. You may think you see who I really am, but you'll never know me. There's a smile on my face but I don't know why it's there... I put it on to satisfy all the people that don't even care. I'm often silent when I am screaming inside. The deepest people are the ones who've been hurt the most. Someone once asked me, 'Why do you always insist on taking the hard road?' I replied, 'Why do you assume I see two roads? Wear a mask that grins and lies, it hides our cheeks and shades our eyes. The debt we pay to human guile, with torn and broken hearts, we smile. Sometimes I feel like nobody has held me down and forced me to cry or made me hug them, or seen to the inside of me. I just say 'oh I'm fine' and walk away. Nobody's ever said to me 'no, you're not'. Some people try to understand, but nobody can know what living like this is like. So drop the little razor, and pick up your life, forget all the bad things, the pain and the strife. I'm not my usual self being quiet and lonely isn't 'me' crying all night, acting all day this isn't how it's supposed to be. In the end, music is your only friend. What's the point in screaming? No one is listening anyway. Everyone sees who I appear to be but only a few know the real me, you only see what I choose to show there's so much behind my smile you just don't know. They say you need to pray, if you want to go to heaven. But they don't tell you what to say when your whole life has gone to hell. The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality. There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with. Our scars have the power to remind us that the past is real. In that one instance I hated everyone in my life, everyone and everything, and me most of all. I'll fake all the smiles, if it stops all the questions. Behind this innocent smile of mine, lay words left unsaid. Words of longing, love, anger, and hate, all repeated inside my head. I've been a loser all my life. I'm not about to change. If you don't like it, there's a door. Nobody made you stay. Be patient and tough; some day this pain will be useful to you.  I smile on the outside, and everyone thinks I'm doing fine but I'm always dying inside, always one step away from the edge you know? I always hope there'll be someone smart enough to see through me but you're all so stupid. If you die you're completely happy and your soul somewhere lives on. I'm not afraid of dying. Total peace after death, becoming someone else is the best hope I've got. If you hold back your feelings because you are afraid of getting hurt, you end up hurting anyway. Not all scars show. Not all wounds heal. Sometimes you can't always see the pain someone feels. Just because some people don't cry, doesn't mean they're not suffering. I do it to myself... and that's why it really hurts. I used to have many faults, now I have only two - everything I say and everything I do... Those who say sunshine brings happiness have never danced in the rain. I am not what I ought to be, not what I want to be, but I am thankful that I am better than I used to be... I'm not afraid of the gun in my hand, I'm not afraid of dying, I'm just afraid of the pain it will bring, and to see my best friends crying. Are you running away from something you don't want? Or running away from something you're afraid to want? It is a truth universally acknowledged that the moment one area of your life starts going okay, another part of it falls spectacularly to pieces. If I would kill myself tonight, who would remember me tomorrow? Everybody knows that something's wrong but nobody knows what's going on. These scars are creases. Trace the scars to fit the pieces to tell your story, you don't need to say a word. Someday I'll fly away. I can't get my wrists to bleed, just don't know why suicide appeals to me. I cry then I cut, then I cry again, it never ends. I was lost. There was nobody for me to talk to about all that you were troubling me with. So I sat alone, with everything inside, and cried myself to sleep. When you talk about feelings, words were too stiff, they were this and not that, they couldn't include all the meanings. In defining, they always left something out. The skin of a scar is stronger than the original, less aware of pain... Self-injury is a sign of distress not madness. We should be congratulated on having found a way of surviving. When I cut myself, I feel so much better. All the little things that might have been annoying me suddenly seem trivial because I'm concentrating on the pain. You see him sitting there and you think "he's so sad" but its not that he's sad, he's simply given up on pretending to be happy, he's tired of getting up every morning and putting on his fake smile, telling himself "today will be better". He doesnt want to be an inconvenience or a bother anymore...He has stopped looking for the light switch in the dark room he calls his life. In reality, I'm slowly losing my mind. Underneath the guise of smile, gradually I'm dying inside. Friends ask me how I feel and I lie convincingly. Cause I don’t want to reveal the fact that I'm suffering. So I wear my disguise till I go home at night and turn down all the lights and then I break down and cry. Cutters are living proof that when the body is ravaged the soul cries out and when the soul is trampled upon, the body bleeds. Do you ever lay in bed at night hoping you wake up in the emergency room and hear the words "She’s not going to make it?" First time I cut was just to feel the pain, Strange because I didn't feel a thing. It wasn't because I wanted to die, I just wanted the pain to finally stop. I have to cut because it's the only way I can smile. Please don't blame yourself for any of the stupid **** that I choose to do. None of this is your fault. I'm the one who makes these bad decisions so im the one who pays the consequences. Life and death are balanced on the edge of a razor. How can you hide from what never goes away? Let the blood run down your arms then try and tell me everything's okay. Cutting doesn't solve anything or take the pain away, but for those few seconds everything is Okay... Some times in stead of cutting an X on my wrist I make a cross so that the Lord can forgive me for destroying my body, and I also pray that the pain stops as the blood slowly drips onto my sheets. Crimson tears run down my arm, All the pain and all the harm. My only way to let it out, I wanna scream, I wanna shout. But I don’t make a sound, I keep it inside. I wanna break out, but instead I hide. I sit in my room, and hide in my shell, The feelings that I feel, my own private hell. The crimson tears, down my arm they run. I look down at my arm, what have I done? There is nothing sadder than someone who has barely seen the world, yet who has seen enough of it to know that they don't wish to be a part of it... You're scared because you don't understand... I'm scared because I do. “I'm okay...” isn't that what I'm supposed to say? How will you know I am hurting, If you cannot see my pain? To wear it on my body Tells what words cannot explain.