#I was trying to find a word for what I was experiencing and found 'Depersonalization' and 'Derealization'

[shanedoesdoodles]

You ever look for a specific word/thing to describe a feeling you're having and think you've found it but as you look more into it it turns out it was a simular concept but very distinct from what you were looking for? And then when you try to be more specific everything that pulls up is still the same close but definitely not the same thing to describe it? I'm a stuck in a bit of a loop at the moment

[gatheringofdawn]

Akumatized!Adrien Agreste x Reader: “In the Name of Justice and Love”

(Non-canon Miraculous Ladybug & Miraculous Ladybug AU: Akumatized victims can stay akumatized for days or weeks and their activity is darker than what the show shows—also in special circumstances, a close loved one to the akuma victim can gain powers to counter the akuma’s/Hawkmoth’s powers.)

[This is only a work of fiction and not to be taken as non-fiction]

“Saturday night. You. Me. And an oversized bucket of buttered popcorn,” Adrian finished up your idea on what the two of you were going to do after school. “There’s a new film from oversees. American. Heard the reviews were mostly near 100 percent in the worth it category.”

“Black Panther?” you asked, remembering the French trailer that played on multiple YouTube videos as ads.

“Exacta-mundo!” Adrian smiled.

“Is it in English or French?”

“Can’t say. We can always wait for the English adaption to come out. I can wait.” Knowing that you preferred watching movies in your native-born tongue, Adrian added, “I heard there’s some other movies preceding it. Wanna check ‘em out?”

You shook your head. “Do you wanna see it?”

Adrian rubbed the back of his head and smiled meekly, blocking out the dozens of times he watched the trailers and might have fantasized a couple of fantasies of Black Panther meeting Chat Noir, being the test subject of Shuri’s experiments for an upgraded suit...

“Well, I’d be a lion if I didn’t.” Did he let that slip out?

You blinked multiple times. “Nice try.”

Adrien chuckled.

“Then yeah, lets go see it,” you bumped his shoulder with yours. “It’d be nice to see something from home, and it’d be nice to show you what it’s like there.”

Adrien nodded. “See you Saturday night. 8pm. Out in front.”

You agreed, then both you and your friend parted ways, back to your houses.

***

Mud. Grime. Stale old popcorn and sticky soda spills splattered everywhere on your back, in your hair, on the back of your neck......

.......................sweat stains, rancid-smelling drool sticky on your cheeks and swollen lips. White and clear male bodily fluids falling from trembling thighs. The memory echoes of sensations long gone but ghosting over your paralyzed body. A male. Pale, sickly, sweaty, cursing, deep nasally voice, tall. A brown beard scratching up and down your neck and cheeks. Thin, slender, and physically strong from one hand holding down your mouth from screaming and the other violently, violently stimulating himself on you by whatever means got him off...

—You explained over and over to the police officers. Their faces were grim, asking for your parents phone numbers. You told them of your foreign exchange program in return for leaving their abusive home. There was no one of bloodline to call for help.

Around the fifth or seventh time you repeated the violent rape and violent rapist, did you notice Adrien standing there. Right in front of you with wide eyes.

Words scrambled out of his mouth and towards you. And you scrambled them back to him. A mess of blurry, fuzzy scrambles.

Alya and Nino were conveniently there. And watched after you the moment Adrian pushed a police officer into his car with surprising strength. Other officers physically restrained Adrien, yelled at him warnings and more scrambles to your ears.

He fiested himself out of the officers’ grip and tasked Alya and Nino with the duty of watching over you the moment he spotted the familiar black butterfly fluttering in his direction.

To you or him? He backed out of the scene, and the butterfly followed him. You watched him leave the scene altogether.

“I’m sorry-I’m sorry this happened to you...” the whispered utterings, so frail, so soft crept into your ears, like warm milk on the tongue. Adrien held your hand with frailty. His forehead against the hospital bedside.

Your own consciousness dripped in and out of his mutterings. But it was darkness when he was there, and morning when he was gone.

No trial.

The very next day, in the morning, what lay at your doorstep was the mangled dead body of the rapist. Mangled and maimed, almost recognizable save for that rancid scent of his doused in overpriced cologne... mixed with the heavy scent of his blood.

All your emotions numbed out. The shock from last night carried over to the morning, numbing out your response. Alya, who stayed the night as a comfort support, yelped in shock for you and immediately began dialing 1-1-4.

You kicked the body, making certain of its permanent state then closed the door. You whispered faintly to Alya how you would be in your room, going back to sleep (forget school today). With the most friendliest you’ve ever experienced, Alya was accepting of your need and closed the door to your room behind you.

Two pills of sleep aid would knock you out. And so, you slipped into a deep, lukewarm sleep again. Heavy, heavy nerves as weightless as feathers....

***

The scratching at your door led you to wake up at... noon. The sleep aid carried over a handful of heaviness to your weight and starvation, but you opened the door anyways to find Adrian crouched like that of a cat and looking up at you.

...you thought you’d seen the black butterfly that causes akumatizatuions last night.

Adrian smiled up at you. Appearing averagely himself, save for his eyes. Like a hybrid of feline and human. Round, green orbs with giant black irises within them, made him look excited to see you.

“Did you like my gift?”

Instead of answering, you backed against the doorway and slid to the floor. Adrian cautiously approached you on all fours, as best he could with a human body.

“I...I heard that, males like me, after an attack like this...” he said very clearly, eyes downcast. “I can leave if you want. If that’ll make you more comfortable.”

***

On the news was the last remaining body camera video of the rapist’s last moments.

“In case you’re wondering, I took the videos he made of you. Everything in his apartment too like the computer in case... well... I burned everything else in there.”

And in that video was his torturer. A large male in all-black, fighting and fighting ferociously and more violent than soldiers in the trenches, than mercenaries on the hunt, than boxers would ever hope to reach for in the ring. Glowing green feline eyes, howls and yowls of that of a lynx.

The news accused an overzealous Black Panther fan of going too far.

“Well, a fan, yeah! What could be a better match up in partnership than Black Panther and Chat Noir, milady?” He scooted up from your lap and pressed the side of his head against your chest, and purred. He hummed in pleasantry, the soothing coo of his purrs softening. “For you, to protect you—that guy had it coming.”

Your answer fell soft on your lips. Words you tried to form but to no avail. The depths of your hiding heart knew the answer and if only Adrien could hear it echo.

And he returned his eyes to the television, resuming his comfortable cat position in your lap. You held his hand, squeezing affectionately.

***

Over the weeks, Adrian eventually stopped coming to school. You met him and found his appearance has yet changed again.

He spoke from the shadows that coated so well with him they could’ve been him, and he would’ve been everywhere under this bridge in the dark of the night. “I’ve gotten rid of a few more. For all women, men... children... for you.”

You shook your head. No longer were you in the daze of trauma. An accusing voice shouted that you should’ve stopped him that very day this all started.

“The rapists and white supremacists, two of them are hanging from the US Embassy’s flagpole. God bless America. Home of the brave enough to corrupt justice and land of free to oppress.” His outline in the shadows, you could see him on all fours, slithering closer to you in a manner paralleling a lioness on the hunt. “The rest are spelled out clear as modern truth on their pavement. Starting with the first American rapist that terrorized you—“

A vibrant and loudly attentive purr elicited from Adrien. “My friend~”

A shiver ran up your spine. His glowing green feline eyes showed complete delight towards you.

How could you have stopped him? What could you have said to the akumatized feline-Adrien in those moments? Dazed in trauma, depersonalize to reality and even your own sense of self. Then, you’ll just have to say it now as Adrien stood much taller, much bulkier, much more alive right in front of you, with his clawed fingers resting underneath your chin to lift it up.

Small simmers of memories between the two of you, hiding on the roof at school during lunch, from Nino, Alya, and Marionette, reading to each other whatever either of you had on hand and by the flip of a coin: Adrien’s fashion magazine, your “Spirited Away” graphic novel, Adrien’s “The Boy and the Beast” graphic novel, Adrien’s “The Wind Rises”, your “The Raven”, Adrien’s “Sherlock Holmes”...

Adrien chuckled, a soupy mix of harsh purr and his own lighthearted chuckles. “Around 36 Americans criminals have already been rounded up in less than three days.” His neck cracked, revealing a thin layer of a black pelt under his obsidian bodysuit. “And I haven’t even moved on to Purr~risians yet~”

“Adrien, that’s the Akuma talking, not you.”

“I let Hawkmoth akumatize me, ______, and it was all for you.” He cranes his neck and spine down, leveling eye to eye with you. The gesture would’ve been normally sweetly teasing, friendly, if not for the malice and stench of blood perforating from Adrien like cologne. Heavy in his messy, unkempt black hair where matted pieces held together by brown-crust. Stained red in his whitened-yellowing sharper teeth. And his eyes danced with delight, but all you could see was potential betrayal. “Seeing what that putrid, evil man reduced you down to, how could I have taken that? How could I, even as Chat Noir, be okay with that guy walking free?”

You blinked, confused but for a second before it clicked in your head what he had been subtly expressing. “You’ve seen him. The way he looks. Influential, charming, intelligent, and a promising college student. I looked up his background on his computer, and no way would your country have prosecuted him. Justice would not have been served, ma chérie.”

His quick switch to English with that phrase threw you off into dozens of memories from America. Flashbacks. And you said, “My friend, my best friend,” and you gently slid your hand into his, scratching yourself only slightly on his claws and feline pads. “Adrien. Just please. Let me know where the akuma is.”

In a sudden, his arms wrapped around you. His heavier and bigger body towering, entrapping you. “My best friend...” his silky, sultrier than warm milk voice slid into your ears. “I’m not Adrien anymore. That weakling gave himself to me because he knew what had to be done and what could be made.”

“So now, and forever, all there is, is Dark Justice.”

And he disappeared with the shadows helping me.

***

He barged into school, having changed more into a feline-human hybrid and wielding a sword 🗡, that had once only been a lasso at his side, pointed at Chloe Bougarais. With kind, alight feline eyes, he spoke, “Even despicable women like you will be served justice, so tell me, Chloe Bougarais, who was the male that assaulted your privates?”

It took most of the class by shock and storm, hearing their gasps and whimpers. You lowered your chin. This was too much, so much. Your rape, your best friend akumatized into a twisted justicebringing mass murderer, Chloe’s hidden sexual assault...

And with her chin upturned, lips twisted but trembling, Chloe appeared to murmur out a name. Adrien sheathed his sword and crept down on all fours, sitting like a cat would with his tail swishing nonchalantly below the desk. “Don’t worry, he will never see another daylight. As have others.”

***

Adrien coughed out spittal and obvious pain. He glared at the ground then at Hugh, who’d just ran out of the courtyard by the aid of Ladybug.

“Have you any idea what that boy has done?" Adrian gasped, voice purring-rumbling in anger. "My lady?"

"Chat Noir?" Ladybug gasped.

"Not even you will stop me from taking his life. I won't allow it. Not now," he raised his sword and charged. "Not ever!"

Ladybug and Chat Noir clashed. Sword and dodging, she was doing really well. "Adrian Agreste, snap out of it! This isn't you. You wouldn't do this! Not even if someone hurt you enough that you were in the hospital, you would never hurt anyone! You always forgave them, you always found a way to deny their evil ways in a peaceful manner!"

Dark Justice had Ladybug pinned against the wall. "I changed for my best friend over there, for my lady. So do not think I won't go to extremes to supply justice. You've no idea what legal systems let him go free despite the evidence larger than a mountain."

The cameraman was filming all of Adrian's rant. All of Paris would see this.

"He would be stopped. If not by the ones we put our faith in, then by me. That's all there is to it, Ladybug; Justice!" Adrian clipped off Ladybug's ponytail. "The right to get what is earned! The right to end evil once and for all! Aren't I just a descendent of the French Revolution, savior of Paris?! Aren't I just barging down the mansion to drag the pigs who are protecting their fellow pigs out of their comfortable, lush halls -- I am dragging them, my lady, and they don't want that but I've kept dragging them out--"

Ladybug's other ponytail fell to Dark Justice's sword. She was looking panicked. Dark Justice's moves were obviously too much for her, and she was already crippled without Chat Noir to help her -- but instead, had to fight her well-experienced partner, akumatized and fueled higher and more terrible than the sun.

"And I will slice open their bellies, I will gut them in the center for all of Paris to see at the slaughter that'll never end! Never will it end! Not by you, not by the military, not by the president of the fucking United States of America, not by my father once I find him and gut him too!"

You stumbled backwards.

You heard an agreement somewhere, two, multiple.

You heard a loud cheer somewhere outside of the school.

Adrian dominated Ladybug in power and strength. His fangs clenched, not even a smile, he was too into this, too attentive to his justice. Ladybug would have to activate her winning move -- her Lucky Charm -- as her last shot.

"Is this what you want to do forever!" Ladybug screamed.

"Until the last droplets of evil is extinguished and the pigs can no longer breed, I will be their inevitable reckoning!" Dark Justice responded, "Don't you get it by now, Ladybug? I can do something about the people who escape the system, the ones who deserve to be punished and to the ones who contiuosly cause harm to other people without mercy. All I have to do is be given a name. I will hear them. I will avenge them. I will end their tormentors!”

Dark Justice's growls increased in volume, like the growling of a tiger and a chainsaw merged as one. He grunted and arched his back as his body increased in muscle mass — and slenders of black protective silky fur spread across his skin. Dark Justice completely overwhelmed Ladybug's strength as he threw her over his head. His pants tore and a loincloth grew from the sudden belt around his waist. His anatomy now that of an anthropomorphic big cat as his face violently changed into that of the creature's, and two masses formed on his abnormally large shoulders. He hissed and clenched his fangs as the masses broke from the surface. His growls and howls of agony of the transformation as the two masses shaped into similar heads like his own and roared upon their birthing.

Adrian really was no longer there, now there was Dark Justice -- the Judge, the Prosecuter, and the Executioner.

“OUR JUSTICE.”

“OUR FRIEND.”

“OUR PEACE.”

“WILL REIGN FOREVER!” yowling from all three mouths simultaneously.

And his sword glowed a bright silvery-white and transformed into a massive Hammer of Justice.

You watched all of this, falling to your knees, and knew how far this was going. But you would get your best friend back.

(POV switches and changes)

“Adrien!” I shouted his name like a vehicle was about to run him over, but that love and warning combusted in and through my veins like fire poppers. The pressure, the height in sensation, I continued walking towards my changed friend, slowly gaining speed until I was in a sprint.

Then I collided paws with Adrien’s. Mine and his. Locked in strength. My jaws stretched open to show their gigantic, lethal lioness teeth and let out a warning yowl.

Adrien was forced back by my strength. I held the form nearly identical in stature and prowess to him, but I was a lioness. Surprise clear to see on his feline features, but then your strength held steady against his.

“I’m not going to fight you, ______. I refuse to.”

Your nostrils flared. The scent of him permeated with blood, old blood, sweat from sudden shock and anxiety, rotting flesh. You growled, "I won't fight you either."

Adrian's eyes showed recognition. "What are you doing then?"

"Doing justice.” Her teeth locked on Adrian’s neck and held. One of his heads yowled. Adrian appeared surprised. Her teeth didn’t dig too far into him but just long enough to immobilize him... and discover where his akuma was hiding.

She spotted the oddity on his loincloth. Some sort of ticket. Their movie ticket. She grabbed at it but missed. It was lodged into his side right.

In all this, Dark Justice struggled to free himself. But her lioness form was much to integral against him, and she hurried. She grabbed the ticket and punched a hole in it with her claws. Dark Justice felt as if his heart had stopped. He fell forwards into her arms as Ladybug began to purify the akuma and the damage done.

***

Adrian stayed in most days after his akumatization. He played video games with ________ and talked with only a few of his classmates. Most everyone at school was wary of him now, but he still went, he enjoyed his time on the roof with _______ and learning new things in class, staying out of the house, finishing his homework and ignoring the near constant hammering of what he had done.

________ grabbed his hand in class. He tightened his group. Soul shaken, but smiling. Things could’ve gone worse.

Thanks to the Paris-Catacomb Accords of 2015, Adrian was completely clean of any and all wrong doing he had brought on everyone, as every Akuma victim was given.

_______ and Adrian looked each other in the eye. “One day, we’ll catch Hawkmoth and make end his reign of terror.”

[This is only a work of fiction and not to be taken as non-fiction]

[madd-information]

Have you watched Kati Morton's new video about Maladaptive Daydreaming? What do you think about it?

[intro]

For years, I believed maladaptive daydreaming to be a form of dissociation, but it could also be added to the DSM as its own diagnosis, since it does have its own set of unique symptoms. Either way, at this time maladaptive daydreaming is not listed in the DSM as a diagnosable mental illness.

I was concerned because her last couple videos on the topic were very confusing to watch and seemed to conflate MD with the inner-worlds of DID.  It looks like she has done some more research on it and is going to make a more informed video. This is great and I deeply appreciate that she’s taking the time to do a proper dive into this. 

The closest diagnosis would be DPDR, or depersonalization derealization disorder. And this is the diagnosis given to those of us who struggle with dissociation. [explanation of DPDR]

Gonna need you to source that Katie, I’ve never heard an MD researcher say something like this.  When they talk about MD they call it a behavioral addiction with OCD features which is related to dissociative absorption (different from derealization and depersonalization, these two dissociative experiences are not particularly significant in MD, though they can happen.)

These experiences are extremely common. It's estimated that half of all adults have had at least one episode of DPDR. 50% of people. That is a huge amount of people.

Cool but not sure it’s at all relevant to the video topic. 

Also, it's important to mention that in 2016, four researchers put together the Maladaptive Daydreaming Scale, or MDS. This is a 14-item self-reported scale, meaning that you as the patient answers 14 questions based on your own maladaptive daydreaming experience.

It’s a 16 item scale now, it was changed very early on and has been 16 for years.  This is a very small and forgivable knitpick, just fyi. 

The MDS focuses on the content of our daydreams, how intense the urge to continue daydreaming is, and how much it impairs our ability to function in our lives, and the benefits and costs of our daydreaming. I am not personally familiar with this scale, nor have I used it in my practice, but I've linked the research article in the description if you wanna learn more about it.

A good description, and here’s that link again for anyone who wants to read about the finer details of this scale. 

When it comes to maladaptive daydreaming, it isn't just feeling out of body or environment. We can create very intense and detailed daydreams with plots, characters, and very lifelike issues and storylines. Some people will get the plots for their daydreams from their real lives, while others can create a utopian place unlike their current experience.

Yep, decent overview of content, though content doesn’t matter that much.  Also, use of “we”.  Is Katie Morton an MDer or was this a creative choice?  I don’t know, just a passing thought. 

We can find ourselves staying in these daydreams for various amounts of time. And some of my patients have reported staying in them for hours. And many of you have let me know that you struggle to get out of them at all, spending days in this other life that we've created.

Yep, good overview, but more importantly she’s listening to her patients and the feedback of MDers in her audience.

...there are many causes for this, and the first I wanna address is trauma triggers. If we've experienced a trauma in our life, things that remind us of that time or situation can pull us into a flashback, cause us to dissociate, or in many cases push us into our maladaptive daydreams.

When our brain and the rest of our nervous system feels overwhelmed and unable to deal with what's going on in the moment, it can pull us out of our current situation through dissociation. I always talk about that, like our brain pulling the ripcord. And it can also utilize maladaptive daydreaming. It's a way to cope or get through an overwhelming situation when we don't have other skills to help calm our nervous system down. So we just rely on what we know, and that can be daydreaming or dissociating. It's almost like this coping skill protects us from having to feel traumatized again and so it takes us away, you know, drops us into a much safer and happier place.

Trauma is always talked about first when people do overviews of MD.  She’s not wrong but just to add more information;  about a quarter of MDers report trauma, the other 75(ish)% don’t.  It’s a significant number but trauma is not the only pathway to MD.  Sometimes people walk away from these videos feeling like “well, I don’t have any trauma, maybe I don’t really have MD”.  That’s not a comment on what Katie has presented, she does go into other things below, just adding on.

Another cause or trigger can be high levels of stress or anxiety. We can slowly feel ourselves become more and more overwhelmed until our brain pulls us out of our reality and into a new one, aka our maladaptive daydreams. In short, we can want to stay in these daydreams to feel better and safer, but it can get in the way of us functioning in our life.

Yep

[audience anecdotes]

...Which is why even the term maladaptive daydreaming is used. Maladaptive means it's not providing adequate or appropriate adjustment to the environment or situation. So the daydreaming is only holding off the bad things. It's not actually making anything better or helping us process any of the upset. It's really just a temporary check-out, which can be helpful sometimes, but if it's happening all the time or making it hard for us to focus at work, school, or with our friends and family, we should find other, better ways to cope.

Exactly.

Which moves us into how we can better cope so that we don't get sucked into our daydreams for hours, days, or even weeks. And first up is mindfulness. Now, I know that term is overused now and super annoying but in order for us to know when we even need to use other coping skills, we have to know when the daydreaming urges are happening. So often we aren't aware of what we were feeling or thinking until it's too late and we're already pulled into our daydream. And at that point it's more difficult or even impossible for us to pull ourselves out. Therefore, we have to start being more aware of what we're going through.

[continues explanation]

Perfection.

And so next is figuring out ways to calm our system down. This can take the form of a distraction technique like going for a walk or organizing a part of our home, coloring, watching a show, playing a video game, you name it. These calming things could also be more process-based, things like journaling or talking to your therapist or a friend about it, or even using an impulse log. [Continues with calming things]

Good examples, MD researchers specifically recommend keeping a log.

We're also going to have to find some coping skills that we can use when we're starting to feel overwhelmed and wanting to go back into the daydream. Maybe we hold an ice cube in our hands, clap our hands, count the number of things in the room that are blue, brown, black… whatever works for you, do it.

Good stuff. 

And it's okay for something not to work. We just have to try it to know and then move on to something else.

Important point to make, happy to see this. 

Once we have a few things that work, write them down in your phone or on a post-it note so that you can see it and be reminded when you need it. We will also need to come up with some ways to pull ourselves out of the daydream. And I know this is gonna be harder and we may even wanna call upon helpful and supportive people in our lives to assist us.

Good advise. 

We could, because it's our daydream, right, we could put a big door in our daydream and we can choose to go through it and pull ourselves out, or have people in the daydream that remind us of our real life and tell us to go back.

A good suggestion.  Q, on the Parallel Lives Podcast (I can’t remember which episode off the top of my head), did something like this by turning to his characters and saying “ok, take 5 guys, we’ll pick it up at xtime”, and many people have found that to be a clever and helpful method. 

Now, I know this is really, really hard… which rolls into my final tip, which is to work with a therapist to heal from the trauma or to learn how to better cope with the anxiety or stress we're feeling. Working to heal or process through the reason our maladaptive daydreaming exists in the first place will ensure that we don't need it anymore.

Absolutely seek professional support if you can. 

... if we heal the issue we're struggling to cope with, the urge to use those unhelpful coping skills will go away altogether.

[outro]

I think this last point will frighten a lot of MDers.  It’s probably the brevity of the video that didn’t allow her to really expand on this, and I certainly don’t want to put words into her mouth that she may not have intended.  Don’t be afraid of losing your MD.  “Curing” Maladaptive Daydreaming does not mean “I’ll never see my world again.”  You’ll always have the capacity to daydream like this, you were born this way, but it *doesn’t* have to be maladaptive. Like overeating, you will never not eat, you will fix your relationship with food. 

Good video overall, brief but accurate and includes the standard helpful advise. 

[linastudyblrsblog]

Burnout, unfortunately, is everywhere. If you haven’t experienced it personally, you probably know someone who has self-diagnosed.

 Defined by the World Health Organization as a syndrome “conceptualized as resulted from chronic workplace stress,” it causes exhaustion, “feelings of negativism or cynicism,” and reduced efficacy. That’s a big umbrella, and the condition has become something of a catch-all for chronic, modern-day stress. 

Here are 11 of our favorites to help you create your own escape plan:

1. Figure out which kind of burnout you have.

The Association for Psychological Science found that burnout comes in three different types, and each one needs a different solution:

1. Overload: The frenetic employee who works toward success until exhaustion, is most closely related to emotional venting. These individuals might try to cope with their stress by complaining about the organizational hierarchy at work, feeling as though it imposes limits on their goals and ambitions. That coping strategy, unsurprisingly, seems to lead to a stress overload and a tendency to throw in the towel.

2. Lack of Development: Most closely associated with an avoidance coping strategy. These under-challenged workers tend to manage stress by distancing themselves from work, a strategy that leads to depersonalization and cynicism — a harbinger for burning out and packing up shop.

3. Neglect: Seems to stem from a coping strategy based on giving up in the face of stress. Even though these individuals want to achieve a certain goal, they lack the motivation to plow through barriers to get to it

2. Cut down and start saying “no.”

Every “yes” you say adds another thing on your plate and takes more energy away from you, and your creativity:

If you take on too many commitments, start saying ‘no’. If you have too many ideas, execute a few and put the rest in a folder labeled ‘backburner’. If you suffer from information overload, start blocking off downtime or focused worktime in your schedule (here are some tools that may help). Answer email at set times. Switch your phone off, or even leave it behind. The world won’t end. I promise.

3.  Give up on getting motivated.

With real burnout mode, you’re too exhausted to stay positive. So don’t:

When you’re mired in negative emotions about work, resist the urge to try to stamp them out. Instead, get a little distance — step away from your desk, focus on your breath for a few seconds — and then just feel the negativity, without trying to banish it. Then take action alongside the emotion. Usually, the negative feelings will soon dissipate. Even if they don’t, you’ll be a step closer to a meaningful achievement.

4.  Treat the disease, not the symptoms. 

For real recovery and prevention to happen, you need to find the real, deeper issue behind why you’re burnt out:

Instead of overreacting to the blip, step back from it, see it as an incident instead of an indictment, and then examine it like Sherlock Holmes looking for clues.

For example, you could ask yourself: What happened before the slip? Did I encounter a specific trigger event such as a last-minute client request? Was there an unusual circumstance such as sickness? When did I first notice the reversion in my behavior? Is some part of this routine unsustainable and if so, how could I adjust it to make it more realistic?

5.  Make downtime a daily ritual.

To help relieve pressure, schedule daily blocks of downtime to refuel your brain and well-being. It can be anything from meditation to a nap, a walk, or simply turning off the wifi for a while:

When it comes to scheduling, we will need to allocate blocks of time for deep thinking. Maybe you will carve out a 1-2 hour block on your calendar every day for taking a walk or grabbing a cup of coffee and just pondering some of those bigger things. I can even imagine a day when homes and apartments have a special switch that shuts down wi-fi and data access during dinner or at night – just to provide a temporary pause from the constant flow of status updates and other communications…

There is no better mental escape from our tech-charged world than the act of meditation. If only for 15 minutes, the ability to steer your mind away from constant stimulation is downright liberating. There are various kinds of meditation. Some forms require you to think about nothing and completely clear your mind. (This is quite hard, at least for me.) Other forms of meditation are about focusing on one specific thing – often your breath, or a mantra that you repeat in your head (or out loud) for 10-15 minutes…

If you can’t adopt meditation, you might also try clearing your mind the old fashioned way – by sleeping. The legendary energy expert and bestselling author Tony Schwartz takes a 20-minute nap every day. Even if it’s a few hours before he presents to a packed audience, he’ll take a short nap.

6.  Stop being a perfectionist; start satisficing.

Trying to maximize every task and squeeze every drop of productivity out of your creative work is a recipe for exhaustion and procrastination. Set yourself boundaries for acceptable work and stick to them:

Consistently sacrificing your health, your well being, your relationships, and your sanity for the sake of living up to impossible standards will lead to some dangerous behaviors and, ironically, a great deal of procrastination. Instead of saying, “I’ll stay up until this is done,” say, “I’ll work until X time and then I’m stopping. I may end up needing to ask for an extension or complete less than perfect work. But that’s OK. I’m worth it.” Making sleep, exercise, and downtime a regular part of your life plays an essential role in a lasting, productive creative career.

7.  Track your progress every day.

Keeping track allows you to see exactly how much is on your plate, not only day-to-day, but consistently over time:

Disappointing feedback can be painful at first – research shows that failure and losses can hurt twice as much as the pleasure of equivalent gains. But if you discover you’re off course, reliable feedback shows you by how much, and you then have the opportunity to take remedial action and to plot a new training regime or writing schedule. The temporary pain of negative feedback is nothing compared with the crushing experience of project failure. Better to discover that you’re behind and need to start writing an hour earlier each day, than to have your book contract rescinded further down the line because you’ve failed to deliver.

8.  Change location often.

Entrepreneurs or freelancers can be especially prone to burnout. Joel Runyon plays “workstation popcorn,” in which he groups tasks by location and then switches, in order to keep work manageable, provide himself frequent breaks, and spend his time efficiently:

You find yourself spending hours at your computer, dutifully “working” but getting very little done. You finish each day with the dreaded feeling that you’re behind, and that you’re only falling farther and farther behind. You’re buried below an ever-growing to-do list. There’s a feeling of dread that tomorrow is coming, and that it’s bringing with it even more work that you probably won’t be able to get ahead on.

List out everything you need to do today. Try to be as specific as you can…Next, break that list into three sections. Step 1: Go to cafe [or desk, a different table in your office, etc.] #1. Step 2: Start working on item group #1…Once you finish all the tasks in group #1, get up and move. Close your tabs, pack your bags, and physically move your butt to your next spot. If you can, walk or bike to your next stop…When you get to the next cafe [or spot], start on the next action item group, and repeat…

When you’ve completed everything on your to-do list for the day, you are done working. Relax, kick back, and live your life. Don’t take work home with you because that won’t help you get more done – it will just wear you out.

9.  Don’t overload what downtime you do get.

Vacations themselves can cause, or worsen burnout, with high-stress situations, expectations, and sleep interruption. Use it to help in recovery from burnout instead: 

Make a flexible itinerary a priority. [A] study from Radboud University found that effective vacations give you the choice and freedom to choose what you want to do. That means two things: Try to avoid structuring your vacation around an unbreakable schedule, and plan on going somewhere that has multiple options to pick from depending on the weather, your level of energy, or your budget.

10. Write yourself fan mail.

Seth Godin uses self-fan mail as a way to keep motivated instead of burning out on a project that seems far from completion:

I define non-clinical anxiety as, “experiencing failure in advance.” If you’re busy enacting a future that hasn’t happened yet, and amplifying the worst possible outcomes, it’s no wonder it’s difficult to ship that work. With disappointment, I note that our culture doesn’t have an easily found word for the opposite. For experiencing success in advance. For visualizing the best possible outcomes before they happen. Will your book get a great testimonial? Write it out. Will your talk move someone in the audience to change and to let you know about it? What did they say? Will this new product gain shelf space at the local market? Take a picture. Writing yourself fan mail in advance, and picturing the change you’ve announced you’re trying, to make is an effective way to push yourself to build something that actually generates that action.

  11. Break projects into bite-sized pieces.

Taking a task on in one entire lump can be exhausting and provide little room for rest in between. Breaking up your projects into set chunks with their own deadlines provides a much healthier, and easier, way of completing a large project:

The default take on deadlines is typically to consider them to be cumbersome and stressful. Yet, from another perspective, a deadline can be viewed as a huge benefit to any project. Without the urgency of a hard deadline pushing a project to completion, it’s easy for you, your team, or your client to lose focus. We’ve all worked on agonizing projects where the timeline just bleeds on and on, merely because the flexibility is there…

It turns out that the manner in which a task is presented to someone – or the way in which you present it to your brain – has a significant impact on how motivated you will be to take action. A study led by researcher Sean McCrea at the University of Konstanz in Germany recently found that people are much more likely to tackle a concrete task than an abstract task… It seems to me like the difference between being handed a map versus following the step-by-step instructions of a GPS device. Not everyone can read a map, but everyone can follow the directions. By breaking your project down into smaller, well-described tasks, the way forward becomes clear and it’s easy to take action.

[schizophasic]

Examination of Anomalous Self-Experience (EASE)

The EASE is a semi-structured interview that attempts to capture the extent of the mainly non-psychotic self-disorders experienced by the person. It is divided into 5 broad sections: Cognition and stream of consciousness, which covers disturbances in the flow of thoughts and experiences, and includes such self-disorders as "thought pressure", an experienced chaos of unrelated thoughts, "loss of thought ipseity", a sense as if the person does not own their thoughts (but not to the level of psychosis), and "spatialisation of experience", which is where the person experiences their thoughts as if they occurred within a space; self-awareness and presence, which deals with dissociative experiences of the self and world as well as a tendency toward intense reflection, in addition to a declining understanding of how to interact with others and the world called "perplexity" or "lack of natural evidence"; bodily experiences, which deals with alienating experiences of the body as well as with "mimetic experiences", the sense of a person that if they move, pseudo-movements of other, unrelated objects are experienced; demarcation/transitivism, which covers specific disturbances in the person's ego boundaries such as the person confusing their own thoughts, ideas, and feelings for that of their interlocutor; and existential reorientation, which refers to changes in the person's experience of the world that reflect the effect of self-disorders on the person's worldview. A large number of these items have affinities with the basic symptoms.

The EASE, and pre-EASE studies attempting to assess basic self-disturbance, has been found in studies to discriminate between people on the schizophrenia spectrum, and those with psychotic bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. The EASE has been found to have good reliability, meaning that when 2 clinicians do the assessment, they draw roughly the same conclusions. The items on the EASE were compared against the accounted experiences of depersonalisation disorder, finding many affinities, but also differences, reflecting namely the failing sense of "mine-ness" of the experiential world and a tendency to confuse the self with the world, others, or both.

Domain 1: Stream of consciousness

Thought interference: Thoughts that are not semantically related to the main line of thinking pop up and interfere with it; these thoughts are generally irrelevant and unimportant.

Loss of thought ipseity: Thoughts appear strange in that they do not seem as if they originate from the self; the person is rationally aware that these thoughts are theirs.

Thought pressure: Many thoughts appearing simultaneously or in rapid succession that lack a common theme, which the person feels they cannot control.

Thought block: The train of thought comes to a halt.

Blocking: The thought becomes lost and inaccessible and no new thought appears in its place.

Fading: The thought slowly fades away with no new thought appearing.

Fading combined with simultaneous or successive thought interference: The thought slowly fades away while a new thought begins to appear.

Silent thought echo: A thought which is not perceptualised is repeated or doubled.

Ruminations-obsessions: Persistence or recurrence of thoughts.

Primary ruminations: Tendency to ruminate with no underlying reason.

Secondary ruminations: Tendency to ruminate secondary to another issue, such as perplexity.

True obsessions:

Recurring thoughts that are not macabre and which the person attempts to resist.

Pseudo-obsessions: Recurring thoughts that tend to have violent, sexual, or otherwise aggressive content that are generally not resisted by the person. In the ICD-10's definition of schizotypal disorder these are called "obsessive ruminations", and they tend to play out like movies or series of projections in a space internal to the person's mind, located perhaps "on an inner screen" or "behind [their] eyes", that they passively watch and may also inspect.

Compulsions: Rituals in relation to ruminations or obsessions.

Perceptualisation of inner speech or thought: Thoughts acquire perceptual qualities, which may appear to occur in the head or outside the person (hallucinations).

Internal: The person experiences these perceptions as occurring inside the head.

Equivalents: Thoughts appear as written text.

Internal as a psychotic first-rank symptom: Person believes the thoughts are so loud that they can be heard by others.

External: Person experiences hallucinations, which may seem to repeat their thoughts.

Spatialisaton of experience: Internal experiences such as thoughts appear as if they occurred inside an internal space; the person may experience them as being like physical objects appearing in that space.

Ambivalence: Difficulty deciding between 2 or more insignificant options.

Inability to discriminate modalities of intentionality: Person has difficulty telling the difference between perceptions and imaginations and between true memories and dreams.

Disturbance of thought initiative or thought intentionality: Difficulty initiating and organizing goal-directed activities.

Attentional disturbances:

Captivation of attention by a detail in the perceptual field: Person is drawn to aspects of the environment which are hard to divert attention away from, even though the person has no particular interest in those details.

Inability to split attention: The person cannot do 2 or more activities at the same time which use different senses.

Disorder of short-term memory: Difficulty keeping things in mind for a short period of time experienced as a tendency to forget things from the beginning as the person continues, such as in reading a story.

Disturbance in experience of time: Change in the flow of time, except those changes in flow speed caused by boredom or pleasure, or regarding past vs. future.

Disturbance in the subjective experience of time flow: Time seems to speed up, slow down, stand still, or become fragmented.

Disturbance in the existential time: The future is blocked and existence seems to be dominated by either the present or the past.

Discontinuous awareness of own action: Break in awareness of own actions.

Discordance between intended expression and the expressed: The person experiences their expression as being uncontrollable, distorting the meaning of what the person is actually trying to say.

Disturbance of expressive language function: The person experiences difficulty in mobilizing the words needed to express themselves.

Domain 2: Self-awareness and presence

Diminished sense of basic self: Feelings as if one is, for example, ephemeral, non-existent, profoundly different from others (but unable to sufficiently elaborate on this), or that one must agree with others; this has occurred chronically since at least adolescence.

Childhood onset: Onset was before puberty.

Adolescence onset: Onset was in adolescence.

Distorted first-person perspective: There are at least 3 subtypes.

Person feels as if their experiences aren't their own, at least briefly, or as if they were a mere inanimate object.

Person feels an incredible distance between the self and experience, resulting in intense and involuntary constant or recurring self-monitoring.

Person feels as if the self were located at a specific point in space, or perhaps as if it were a physical object, or both.

Other states of depersonalisation: Sense of alienation from self or one's own experience.

Melancholiform depersonalisation: Melancholic mood change from which the person feels alienated.

Unspecified depersonalisation: Other depersonalization

Diminished presence: An increased distance from being affected by the world that is experienced by the person as originating from within the self; this is experienced as an affliction by the person.

Specified: Increasing distance from the world experienced as apathy towards specific events.

Unspecified: Sense of barrier between self and world that cannot be furthered specified by the person.

Including derealisation or perceptual change: Where the sense of barrier results in a change in world perception (e.g. sense of fogginess) or is accompanied by derealisation.

Derealisation: The world appears as strange, alien, unreal, or changed.

Fluid (global) derealisation: The world seems to lose its color or become lifeless, or there is some other diminution of the qualities of the world.

Intrusive derealisation: Things in the world seem much more intrusive than normal, which strongly affect the person emotionally.

Hyperreflectivity; increased reflectivity: Tendency to engage in excessive reflection of matters involving the self or other things hindering the sense of being able to live carefree or spontaneously; person will engage in intense reflection while engaged in activity (called also "simultaneous introspection" in Japanese psychopathology).

I-split: Sense that the self does not exist as a unified whole beyond having a multifaceted personality.

When person's comments hint at I-split.

Person reports non-psychotic experience of I-split.

Person reports non-psychotic experience of I-split that is experienced in a way that the different pieces of self exist at different points in space like physical objects.

Person reports delusional experience of I-split.

Dissociative depersonalization (out of body experience): Person experiences the self as if it were outside the body.

Person feels as if this is occurring, without hallucinating.

Person experiences this as a dissociative hallucination.

Identity confusion: Person feels as if they were another person.

Sense of change in relation to chronological age: Feeling as if the person were very much younger or older than they really are.

Sense of change in relation to gender:

Person worries that they might be gay.

Person is confused about their sex or feels as if they were the opposite sex.

Loss of common sense/perplexity/lack of natural evidence: Person is confused about the meaning of what people normally understand implicitly and may spend a lot of time wondering why, say, the sky is blue or 2+2=4; or person may follow extremely rigid schemas that come across as bizarre to others ("morbid rationalism") or may have a tendency to obsess about the spatial or geometric aspects of the world ("geometrism").

Anxiety:

Panic attacks with autonomous symptomsPanic accompanied by multiple autonomic symptoms including labored breathing, heart racing, chest pain, or a sense of choking.

Psychic-mental anxietyFeeling of anxiety without autonomic symptoms.

Phobic anxietyAnxiety triggered by specific fears (e.g. agoraphobia).

Social anxietyAnxiety caused by social situations.

Diffuse, free-floating, and pervasive anxietyIntense, constant anxiety.

Paranoid anxietyAnxiety triggered by paranoid fears.

Ontological anxiety: Pervasive anxiety experienced by person over their own existence that causes them to be more interested in survival than in self-realization; it can involve a sense as if something ominous were approaching, a sense of being exposed to others, or some other fear of violation of their own existence.

Diminished transparency of consciousness: A sense that one is blocked from clearly perceiving the contents of consciousness which is not secondary to something else (e.g. thought pressure, organic brain disorder, or clinical depression).

Diminished initiative: Pervasive difficulty initiating goal-directed activity that is not secondary to, for example, clinical depression.

Hypohedonia: Pervasive and recurring diminished capacity for pleasure.

Diminished vitality: Sense of diminishment of one's vital energy that is not secondary to, for example, clinical depression.

State-like: Experienced only episodically.

Trait-like: Experienced chronically.

Domain 3: Bodily experiences

Morphological change: Sensations or perceptions as if parts of the body or the entire body has changed size or shape.

Due to paroxysmal sensations.

Due to perception.

Mirror-related phenomena: Frequently looking at mirrors or avoiding mirrors, or otherwise feeling as if the shape of the face has changed when looking in a mirror.

The person only looks in the mirror to see if their face has changed, but perceives no change.

Perceived change or distortion of the face.

Other mirror-related phenomena.

Somatic depersonalisation (bodily estrangement): Feeling alienated from one's body or its parts.

Psychophysical misfit and psychophysical split: The body feels as if it does not fit (but not simply because the person dislikes their appearance) or a feeling as if the body and mind do not go together.

Bodily disintegration: Feeling as if the body is falling to pieces.

Spatialisation of bodily experiences: Feeling as if parts of the body were no longer a medium for action but as if they were simply standalone physical objects, or feeling as if one can feel body parts that one normally cannot feel.

Cenesthetic experiences: Various unusual bodily sensations, including feelings of numbness, electrical sensations, and thermal sensations.

Motor disturbances:

Pseudo-movements of the body: Person feels as if a part of the body is moving, but it actually is not.

Motor interference: Movements of the body intended by the person are derailed, moving in a way not intended by the person.

Motor blocking: Person feels unable to move a body part.

Sense of motor paresis: Usually temporary sense of weakness in one or more limbs, which can interfere with the person's physical movements (such as grasping an object).

Desautomation of movement: Normally automatic or partially automatic physical activities that are carried out on a daily basis or frequently, such as brushing one's hair or riding a bike, can no longer be so, causing the person to have to concentrate and guide each aspect of their movement.

Mimetic experiences: Pseudo-movements of other objects and people are experienced as if there were a connection to the person's own actions.

Domain 4: Transitivism/demarcation

Confusion with the other: Person confuses their thoughts, feelings, and other aspects with their interlocutor, or otherwise feels invaded or intruded upon by their interlocutor (but cannot explain why this is so).

Confusion with one's own specular image: Person confuses themselves with their reflection, such as when they are looking in a mirror.

Threatening bodily contact:

Person feels threatened by being close to or in contact with another person not because of paranoia or suspicion.

Person feels annihilated when in close contact with another person.

Passivity mood: Mood-like feeling of being at the mercy of the world, with the person feeling restrained.

Other transitivistic phenomena: Other feelings as if not properly demarcated from other people and the world.

Domain 5: Existential reorientation

Primary self-reference phenomena: Person feels as if outside events are connected to themselves which cannot be explained by any more primary psychopathology.

Feeling of centrality: Brief feeling as if being at the center of all existence.

Feeling as if the subject's experiential field is the only extant reality: Person feels as if only things they are perceiving exist, such that it feels as if things cease to exist when the person looks away, for example.

"As if" feelings of extraordinary creative power, extraordinary insight into hidden dimensions of reality, or extraordinary insight into own mind or the mind of others: Person experiences a sense as if they possess insight most other people do not.

"As if" feeling that the experienced world is not truly real, existing, as if it was only somehow apparent, illusory, or deceptive: An example includes feeling as if the person were in a movie.

Magical ideas (i.e. ideas implying nonphysical causality): Person feels that they can control things with their mind that they actually cannot, or to otherwise unrealistically control external events.

Existential or intellectual change: Person experiences a major change in their worldview, such as joining a new religion, that does not occur as part of a manic or hypomanic episode.

Solipsistic grandiosity: Person feels superior to other people and considers others to be beneath their notice or concern.

[palpablenotion]

I was just blocked by someone, I assume because I referenced my non gender related dysphoria. And on one hand, I’m completely astounded. On the other, it figures.

I get a bad response every time I talk about my dysphoria. I get told it’s a gender related issue. It’s something only trans people experience. (While I’m not cis, I don’t identify as trans and I don’t experience dysphoria surrounding being an agender demigirl, just to stop anyone from saying anything about cis people and co-opting terms).

But it isn’t. It’s a psychological term referencing a symptom/side effect. It means someone experiencing unease or dissatisfaction in life, extreme enough to impact one’s life. It isn’t necessarily continuous, but it can be. It can also come and go.

I get told that what I’m talking about is body dismorphic disorder. I get told that I have it. This is with no more information than me saying, “I experience body dysphoria unrelated to gender.”

I feel like most people don’t understand that body dysmorphic disorder is something with specific criteria from the DSM:

Diagnostic criteria for 300.7 Body Dysmorphic Disorder A. Preoccupation with an imagined defect in appearance. If a slight physical anomaly is present, the person's concern is markedly excessive. B. The preoccupation causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. C. The preoccupation is not better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g., dissatisfaction with body shape and size in Anorexia Nervosa).

I don’t fit this criteria. You know why? Because I don’t have BDD.

It is transphobic to talk over trans people and tell them what they experience. And, like that, it is ableist to talk over neurodivergent and mentally ill people and tell them what they experience. Dysphoria is a term shared between these two communities, and neither has a right to dictate or limit the use of this term within the other community.

ADHD individuals experience a specific form of dysphoria called rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD, not to be confused with reflex sympathetic dystrophy, which is something else). “RSD is an extreme reaction to real or perceived rejection which often leads to reacting badly to being corrected” (@autism-asks). Basically, perceived rejection can result in dysphoria, often volatile at that, in those with ADHD.

I used that as an example because, ironically, being told I didn’t experience dysphoria caused RSD. I got so angry (not entirely irrationally, I feel) and am still so angry and confused nearly a week later.

Many psychological disorders and neurodivergences have dysphoria as a symptom. Some of those include: major depressive disorder, dysthymia, bipolar disorder, cyclothymia, borderline personality disorder, premenstrual syndrome, prementrual dysphoric disorder (characterized by dysphoria), generalized stress, adjustment disorder, all of the anxiety disorders (post-traumatic stress disorder, panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, etc), dysphoric rumination (again, characterized by said dysphoria), dissociative disorders (dissociative identity disorder, depersonalization disorder, etc), ADHD, mixed anxiety-depressive disorder, personality disorders, substance withdrawal, body dysmorphic disorder (dysphoria is a symptom of this, NOT interchangable with it), akathisia, hypoglycemia, schizophrenia, sexual dysfunction, body integrity identity disorder, insomnia, and chronic pain.

Considering there are literally a dozen of those disorders I currently have, I think it’s safe to say I probably experience dysphoria.

It’s actually really difficult to find anything about physical dysphoria because all links I find are about gender dysphoria. When I speak up about it, I get silenced. I get blocked. I get told I’m not experiencing that. I can only assume that’s why it’s so difficult to find. Other voices also get silenced, because I cannot be the only one that experiences this. I don’t fool myself into thinking I’m so unique.

(Note: this doesn’t mean people shouldn’t talk about gender dysphoria. Of course they should. Gender dysphoria is a serious issue as well. But it being the only form of dysphoria that it is safe to discuss means that those who experience dysphoria unrelated to gender don’t have support or resources. It can be easier to find resources if your form of dysphoria has a specific name, like rsd, pmdd, etc.)

So what is it that I experience? It’s very difficult to describe. Typically I only experience dysphoria during anxiety attacks, sensory overload, or just times of very increased anxiety. During these times, I might experience a sort of ill-fittingness. My body doesn’t fit anymore. Not necessarily that it’s too large or too big, but like it was tailored for someone else. Often enough, it’s centered around my arm only. It feels like when you put on the wrong cut of jeans. They’re on, they fit, but you just want to put your own jeans back on. 

I don’t know why I experience this. I know it’s incredibly distressing when it happens. I know that sometimes it makes me have extreme thoughts such as wishing I could remove the arm I have and replace it with my arm (which I obviously can’t do because it is my arm). I have, in the past, scratched and hit myself trying to feel anything besides this wrongness in my limbs.

I said that I experience this during panic attacks? It is incredibly likely this causes the panic attack. I remember the first time I clearly experienced this. It was during the Criminal Minds season finale, To Hell... I had spilled fruit punch on the arm of the couch and got a washcloth to clean it before it set. I remember scrubbing the fabric and it felt like the bones in my arm were vibrating, like the two textures interacting was sending a shock wave up my arm. I freak out. I began hyperventilating, slapping and scratching my arm (my right arm). I was babbling as my mother and sister tried to figure what is wrong. “It doesn’t fit! It isn’t- I can’t- It doesn’t fit!” I was crying. I wanted it off, I wanted my arm back, I wanted everything to stop.

I don’t remember what happened after very well. I think my mother gave me a xanax. They were almost as freaked out as I was.

It wasn’t just bad sensory input. Bad sensory input might have caused it, but what I was experiencing was dysphoria. I’ve spoken with several people that have degrees in psychology, including my own therapist. I just recently spoke with a mutual who admitted they had never heard of this, it wasn’t any form of dysphoria they knew of. They also said, “but damn if that isn’t exactly the word to describe it.” They attempted to ask around the issue to see if I was experiencing something else - not correcting me, just trying to figure this out - and admitted that I didn’t fit what they had considered (depersonalization disorder) which I had already looked into years ago. I don’t have it.

The only two topics I’ve ever found not about gender dysphoria but still about physical dysphoria were about addiction and the vagus nerve. In fact, when discussing the physical dysphoria associated with the vagus nerve, delirients were still mentioned. If anyone from the medical side of tumblr cares to discuss this, I would like to further look into this. I know I’m not the only that experiences this. I just want to understand this thing.

TL;DR: Dysphoria is something that is experienced by people with literally dozens of mental illnesses, disorders, syndromes, or neurodivergencies. This can include physical dysphoria. This is an experience the neurodivergent and mentally ill community shares with the trans community. It does not inherently have anything to do with gender, but it can. Don’t be transphobic and tell trans people what they experience or what they don’t experience. Don’t be ableist and tell neurodivergent/mentally ill people what they experience or don’t experience. Basically? Trust that someone knows more about what they experience than you do, especially if you don’t know them.

[gooeyguy]

Fibromyalgia linked to ptsd?

Fibromyalgia, what is it?

You might have heard this word before, either from a family member or a friend but you probably don’t know exactly what it is and how it affects the people diagnosed.

So hey guess what homie? today i’m here to tell you all about it and my experiences with it, if you decide to keep reading of course.

 Fibromyalgia is a relatively recently-known disease, so there is still much to be learned about it. More and more research is being done on it and there are now set diagnostic tests. It seems part of the disease is caused by the pain nerves misfiring and interpreting every sensation as pain. Fibromyalgia more commonly affects women than men, and often shows up during young adulthood. There are many symptoms that can occur with fibro, but i’m gonna do my best to narrow it down as much as possible, as to not run my mouth all over an assignment for class.

Chronic widespread body pain is the primary symptom of fibromyalgia. You may have heard this and thought that’s all there is to it, unfortunately most people with fibromyalgia also experience moderate to extreme fatigue, sleep disturbances, sensitivity to touch, light, sound, and cognitive difficulties. Many individuals also experience a number of other symptoms and overlapping conditions, such as irritable bowel syndrome, sleep disorders, anxiety, depression, chronic headaches, joint hypermobility/ Ehlers danlos syndrome, lupus and arthritis. I cannot begin to elaborate on the extended side affects of these side effects, but the most important to note is PTSD or C-PTSD, it is believed to be a huge cause of fibromyalgia and symptoms of the illness, but we’ll get to that in a second.

Many of these symptoms are also found in other chronic illnesses. A person most likely won’t experience all of these at once but can. Symptoms might be constant or they might wax and wane. New symptoms may develop any time. Everyone is affected by fibro differently.

Fibromyalgia is very hard to cope with and will affect so much more of your life than you’d expect.

Here are some personal symptoms i experience to help explain.

WIDESPREAD PAIN AND STIFFNESS: Fibro people experience many types of pain. Muscle and joint stiffness is also common, especially after sitting for a period of time. I always am feeling some level of pain, but the type and intensity and sometimes location varies: flu-like ache all over the body, burning pain as though my whole back is on fire, sharp pain as though someone stuck a dagger behind my shoulder blade, joint weakness and pain--almost like a light sprain, and others. For me, getting dressed, repeated bending (such as laundry or loading the dishwasher), and standing still are three of the biggest basic function pain triggers. But even tiny things like wearing jewelry or using a fork can cause more pain on bad days.

FATIGUE: This can be anything from a constant tiredness to a debilitating fatigue so bad I can’t do much but sit and stare (or cry). This clashes with the pain/night terrors i experience making it difficult for me to sleep. It can mean I have trouble staying awake during lectures or class, or even a chat with a friend, no matter how much I want to hear it. If I'm having a worse fatigue flare, I will start having trouble walking straight, much less thinking straight, and often notice myself talking very slowly.

I am currently taking a stimulant called adderall that helps me stay awake but unfortunately gives me a bad crash after wearing off.

SLEEP DISTURBANCES: Fibro causes an alpha wave sleep disorder where the brain experiences bursts of alpha waves (normally only experienced during awake times) throughout the night. These bursts either fully wake me up, or at least bring me out of deep sleep. On a good night I’ll wake up fully two or three times and on a bad night I wake up as often as every twenty minutes, if I sleep at all. The frequent awakenings not only mean a loss of sleep, but also interrupt the important sleep cycles of the body. The time of deep sleep is vital for your body to repair itself and prepare for the next day. Fibromyalgic’s get very little deep sleep, and often another important sleep cycle, REM sleep, is minimized as well. Sleeping better or worse is not typically related to emotional stress.

COGNITIVE PROBLEMS: This includes memory and concentration problems, as well as language use problems, commonly called brain fog or FibroFog. It’s called that for a good reason. It’s as though you’re having to grope through a heavy fog to try to grasp thoughts, and as soon as you latch onto one, it slips away again. The short-term memory problems mean I don't always remember the answer to the question I just asked--or even what the question was! Or I'll be listening to someone and can't quite understand and connect all the words together into something that makes sense. Sometimes I have trouble talking clearly, or will use a random wrong word, or simply be unable to think of common words. This makes me feel as if i come off stupid and does not help my self esteem. Dissociation ties into this and is linked to my C-PTSD. More than simple detachment or loneliness, C-PTSD sufferers tend to experience themselves as "outside looking in," as though they are no longer a part of life's events but are beyond a transparent barrier, restricted to the role of an observer. Making everyday feel unreal.

HEIGHTENED SENSITIVITY: to bright light, touch, sound, and smell. The feeling of clothes can be painful, but to describe what i mean a bit better, the running of my finger along the skin of the top of my arm is irritating. Its as if i’ve gotten a fresh rugburn after getting my arm numbed for a surgery. So theres an ache in the muscle as if it’s bruised and an irritation to the skin but in the same instance a partial numb feeling. Any flashing, flickering, or bright lights or loud sounds can be very painful to the eyes and ears. On a bad day even quiet sounds like someone walking or ruffling through papers can be painful. Certain smells can be painful, as well as certain cleaning products, triggering smells and even perfumes. DIZZINESS: I sometimes have a slight balance problem, especially if there are other people milling about close to me, on a staircase, or if it is not well lit. I have fallen numerous times, but when I don’t I have to take a sudden step to catch myself, quickly grasp the stair beam, or touch a wall or friend’s shoulder to balance myself. It’s not uncommon for me to try to walk through the doorframe or look a tad tipsy if I’m particularly exhausted. Other symptoms of Fibromyalgia are Irritable Bowel Syndrome, muscle tremors, numbness or tingling in hands and feet, mood changes, chest pain, painful menstruation, and dry eyes, skin, and mouth. Many people also struggle with anxiety and depression.

Fibromyalgia is a newly studied illness and there isn’t much to find as to what causes it, Although, talking to my doctor has really brought a new light to this issue. So bear with me while i try to explain.

I had been diagnosed with ptsd as a young child but was never followed up with therapy. And to be more specific I am now diagnosed with C-PTSD (Complex Post traumatic stress disorder) The difference between the two is PTSD is caused by a single event whereas C-PTSD is caused by prolonged or recurring events.

C-PTSD symptoms are believed to be the cause of the symptoms I have regarding fibromyalgia, here is a list and explanation of some of them.

FIGHT OR FLIGHT: You’ve probably heard of this term. The fight or flight response refers to a specific biochemical reaction that both humans and animals experience during intense stress or fear. The sympathetic nervous system releases hormones that cause changes to occur throughout the body. When you are in a stressful or dangerous situation and experience fear and anxiety, your body goes through a number of changes: Your heart rate may increase. Your vision may narrow (sometimes called "tunnel vision"). You may notice that your muscles become tense. You may begin to sweat. And your hearing may become more sensitive.

Now i want you to think about what would happen if someone was in a constant state of “Fight or Flight”. Eventually you’d be exhausted right? If your body is in a constant state of fear and anxiety eventually the tensing of muscles is going to take a toll on your body.

And that is exactly what C-PTSD does.

Re-experiencing the past: In the form of nightmares and flashbacks. While in PTSD flashbacks tend to be visual, in C-PTSD they are often emotional. That is, a sudden, overwhelming rush of emotions such as anger, shame, humiliation, abandonment, and of being small and powerless much like a child would feel when abused.  These are referred to as Emotional Flashbacks (EFs) and can last for minutes, hours or even days. Avoidance: of thoughts, feelings, people, places, activities relating to the trauma (e.g., dissociation, derealization) Emotion regulation: Emotional sensitivity; reduced ability to respond to situations in an emotionally appropriate and flexible manner.   Negative self-concept: Feeling of worthlessness and defectiveness. Doctors suggest that those with C-PTSD suffer from toxic shame and have a virulent Inner and Outer Critic. Interpersonal problems - Difficulty feeling close to another person; feeling disconnected, distant or cut off from other people (depersonalization, social anxiety and reactive attachment). So overall is it understandable to see where a lot of this shows C-PTSD could be the cause of Fibromyalgia?

 Long-term prognosis of Fibromyalgia, what is it? Fibromyalgia is a chronic illness that goes in cycles of severe flares and milder symptoms. It typically never goes away completely and can be debilitating. Thankfully, it is not believed to be degenerative and does not actually damage muscles, joints, or organs, although it is linked to heart issues.

About 2 percent of the U.S. population suffer from widespread pain and have tender points that are painful to the touch. There is no cure for fibromyalgia, and pain medications often aren't very helpful, so patients can have pain that is bad enough to disrupt their everyday lives for the rest of their life. People with fibromyalgia also have higher rates of psychiatric illness than the general population, and about 90 percent of those with the condition are women. Some with fibro learn to have successful lives, though they typically will be able to do less activity than a healthy person, and less than they were previously able to do.

Unfortunately the rate of suicide from people with this illness is quite high. Each year, about 30,000 people in the United States take their own lives total. It is the 11th leading cause of death in our country and accounts for about 1.5% of all deaths in the US. Three out of four people with this illness will commit suicide.

As said earlier, chronic widespread pain is the main symptom of fibromyalgia. And to de diagnosed it must include: Pain for at least three months Pain above and below the waist Pain on both sides of the body

Pain in more than 11 of 18 the following points in the following image

This could include combinations of neck pain, shoulder pain, back pain, hip pain, knee pain, feet pain, and pain in just about every part of the body. People with fibromyalgia may also have: Hyperaglasia  (increased pain in response to normally painful contact) Allodynia (pain in response to normally nonpainful contact) None of this pain will show up on an x-ray or blood test. That’s one reason why getting a diagnosis of fibromyalgia from your doctor may take so long. In fact, it takes an average of more than 2 years to get an accurate diagnosis of fibromyalgia. Leaving sufferers confused and more likely to lose their job, fail school, or even commit suicide.  What is the long-term prognosis? Fibromyalgia is a chronic illness that goes in cycles of severe flares and milder symptoms. It typically never goes away completely and can be debilitating. Thankfully, it is not believed to be degenerative and does not actually damage muscles, joints, or organs. Most people with fibro learn to have successful lives, though they typically will be able to do less activity than a healthy person, and less than they were previously able to do. What treatments can help? The most effective help for fibro is pacing, that is doing a small bit of activity and then resting. Those with Fibromyalgia need to learn how to listen to their body and know when to stop and when to say no to things, including others. This can be difficult because what may be fine one day may be too much another day, and often the effects of overdoing it aren’t fully felt until the next day. This to others can be marked as laziness and can also greatly affect child to parent relationships. Self help pain management such as ice and heat, special back supports, hot showers or baths, and naps can be used to calm the pain. Walking or other light exercise is also helpful, as is stretching. Sensory issues can make some of these uncomfortable but some work.

There are a number of medications that can also help control some of the symptoms of fibro, especially the pain. Most medications pain related are addictive and aren’t advised to be used by doctors though. There are also antidepressant,anxiety and sleep medications. But of course the meds i’ve personally tried haven’t had much of an effect on me or have given me an allergic reaction.     Alternative treatments such as chiropractic, naturopathy, acupuncture, light massage, and avoiding certain foods or household chemicals (cleaners, body and hair care products, etc.) can be helpful.  How you can help a friend/family member who has fibro or another chronic illness. There are many ways to reach out to help, and of course the needs will change for each person. Big things like helping clean the house or cooking meals can help, but often it’s the little things that are the best, like opening the door for them, or remembering to ask for permission when touching you. Here’s a list of a few things that can help (with thanks to many other websites I‘ve read similar lists on over the past year): ~ Don’t be afraid to hug them gently (with permission), but please no bear hugs. ~ Understand that just because the person looks fine or is laughing and talking, doesn't mean they are not experiencing symptoms. And even if they feel halfway okay while they’re with you, they may pay the consequences of the outing later. ~ Invite them to join you on outings, but if they say no don’t be offended, and don’t be afraid to keep asking in the future in case they are having a good day. Let them know what to expect--if there will be a lot of sitting or standing, a long walk, bright or flashing lights, etc. ~ Be willing to make plans for activities and to be the first to phone or email. It may be hard for them to put energy into contacting you and making plans, even though they’d probably like to get together. This goes for overall conversation as well, don’t be upset if they don’t feel up to talking. ~ Realize that just because they come to an event doesn't necessarily mean they are feeling great. ~ Offer to drop them off at the front door before you go to park. ~ Hold the door for them--I can’t tell you how many times I’ve hurt my wrist just opening a door man. ~ Ask if you can carry anything for them. ~ Warn them before you turn on the light or something that makes noise-- Any sudden noise, light, touch i’m not expecting will make me jump and it’s not comfortable, it in fact can cause me to dissociate. ~ Don't yell or scream in their ear. ~ Realize that a normal poke or elbow dig might cause pain. You can touch them gently on the arm or back, but be soft and don’t surprise them. Try not to jiggle their chair. ~ Let them set the pace when you are walking. ~ Don't be annoyed if you have to repeat yourself several times, or think of a different way to say something. ~ Don’t be afraid to laugh with them about the quirks of fibro. ~ Ask if you can come over and help with housework, or if you can bring over some frozen meals (if they has food allergies, check what they can safely eat). ~ Ask them how they’re doing, and listen to the answer-- do not get upset with them please. ~ If they’re having a bad day, don’t just tell them you’ll pray for them, but ask if you can do anything for them, and if they respond with “not really” stay calm and reassuring.

~ Ask if they are okay every once in awhile. ~ Don’t tell them to try harder and give unreasonable goals that they don’t have faith in reaching, encourage them instead of bringing them down about it.

~ Don’t be afraid to complain about the little things in your life. Tell them about your problems too, everyone wants to feel included. Sure, a stubbed toe may not seem that bad compared to a lifetime of chronic pain, but that sure doesn’t make it not hurt when it happens! Thank you for reading if you’ve gotten this far, i’m sure the person who sent it to you or the person in your life with Fibromyalgia, really appreciates that you took the time to read about their illness. 

-Phoenix S.

[mhagnolia]

avpd asks by @acevoidant

i thought this might be a good (?) activity to better understand myself. i’m definitely on the road to recovery but i had a sad episode today and found avoidant tags on tumblr. 

1. how did you find out about avpd? on my fifteenth birthday, i knew i should be happy, but, the whole day i couldn’t stop thinking about my mental space. i think this is one of my symptoms, constantly trying to rationalize and fix my mental state rather than confront the pressing behaviors that cause this (my avoidance). i got ready for bed but i wanted to know what was so wrong that i could never have a normal day. i stopped assuming it was depression, anxiety, ocd, schizophrenia, etc. and considered the next thing i had heard of but never checked: personality disorders. after reading about the criteria for avpd, i found it was strikingly similar to my experience in a way no other disorder has. in short, i guess i just tried searching for an answer for the umpteenth time and found it.

2. are you professionally diagnosed? nope. i don’t know if i really need to be; for me, right now, it’s best if i figure this all out on my own.

3. what age do you think you started having avpd symptoms? my first memories of avpd like symptoms are from second grade when i was about 8 years old. we were let out of the classroom to go to the bathroom and i didn’t want my friends to walk before me (lil meanie) and my teacher called me back into the classroom. i don’t really know what the proper reaction to this is but i went back to my seat, muttered to myself how i was such a bad student, and pulled my hair tie onto my wrist to hurt myself.

4. do you have other mental illnesses? Does avpd complicate these illnesses? If so, in what way? in truth, in truth, in truth, i’m not that sure. i feel anxious often like when i wash dishes or share an opinion but i don’t think its too debilitating. my anxiety is usually just fuzzy chest feelings i get every so often. depression is questionable, but right now, i’m definitely facing a dysfunction that i so often associated with depression (slipping grades, losing sleep, not eating). i believe that my avpd sort of trumps any other mental issues i face and makes my relationship with them much more complex i.e., “i don’t deserve a community/a common place”; “i deserve less than depression”.

5. what do you do to deal with loneliness? i guess busy myself. i never find myself actually reaching out to others.

6. what do you do to deal with depression? if i knew i wouldn’t be writing this.

7. what do you do to deal with anxiety? hmm, i guess try to reason myself out of it? my anxieties usually deal with forces outside of myself, so, it’s much easier to rationalize it. i try to think of my blossoming self growth, my goals, my dreams, and the trust i have in others.

8. if you experience dissociation, what is that like for you personally? i don’t believe i’ve ever experienced dissociation. i think i sometimes do experience depersonalization, though.

9. were you ever misdiagnosed? if so, which mental illness were you misdiagnosed with? how did that affect your treatment? never been diagnosed

10. do you have a safe person? i’ve told my mom i believe i have avpd but we don’t do much about it and i’ve only talked to her about on maybe three occasions. i find a lot of solace in my mom’s side of the family and when i’m with certain cousins i find that my minds quiets and i become a bit of a different person :).

11. have you ever been hospitalized? Ii you have been hospitalized, what was it like and did it help you in any way? never been hospitalized

12. what is your advice to someone who is considering hospitalization or is about to be hospitalized? i don’t think i would really recommend it for anyone dealing with a mental disorder if you don’t pose to a danger to yourself or others. however, honestly, i’m not really versed on what actually occurs in a psychiatric hospitalization. it just doesn’t seem like a positive or pleasant experience that would help,

13. have you ever been in residential treatment? if so, what was it like and did it help? never received treatment

14. what is your advice to someone who is considering residential treatment or is about to start residential treatment? same as above

15. what is your advice to someone who has just been diagnosed with avpd? not sure, i don’t think i could allow myself to muster anything. i guess just find help, whether in a medical respect or in a social respect.

16. who do you look up to that influences your personality/way of thinking? what personality traits/ways of thinking have you taken on because of them? anyone who is materially or emotionally successful, definitely. i find myself often trying to internalize others’ kindness, helpfulness, work ethic, passion, etc. it’s a culmination of different books characters, movie characters, online “personalities,” friends, relatives.

17. who did you look up to when you were young (real or fictional)? i don’t really know, no one really comes to mind in particular.

18. how have you changed since you were first diagnosed? never been diagnosed, however, since i somewhat found my “answer,” i’ve certainly been a lot better than before. whether that has to do with my initial discoveries isn’t clear to me but i am surely better than before.

19. what are some things related to your avpd that you still want to work on? ahaha, everything? the disorder still affects me in the same way than it did at my peak, just to lowered degrees.

20. how are you feeling right now? What is currently influencing your mood? i’m alright rn, we just went to a few parks and walked around different vistas. i had hoji cha bubble tea and i’m feeling ok.

21. do you have any friends with avpd? Ii so, how is that friendship different than friendships with people who do not have avpd? i don’t believe i have any friends with avpd.

22. favorite songs to listen to when you’re in a bad mood? right now it’s ribs by lorde, streetcar by daniel caesar, less and less by maltese, and a story playlist i made for a wattpad fanfic. if i’m in a bad mood and i want to feel better i listen to adam melchor.

23. what do you do to get yourself through a breakdown? i listen to music, watch particular youtube videos, read!!!, or journal.

24. what are your top 3 healthy coping skills? i’m not really sure, i guess breathing, taking a break, and preventing anger/blaming.

25. do you channel your pain into any art forms such as drawing, singing, poetry, etc? “channel pain” lol. i guess i do.

26. are you more of the type to isolate and avoid others or need to be with people all the time because you’re afraid to be alone? isolate

27. are you more of the type to overshare too much personal information or keep too much of yourself a secret out of fear of rejection? definitely keep to myself

28. does avpd affect your appearance? for example, do you change your hair or clothing style frequently? ah, no way. i’ve been 200% better about this recently but a few years ago, i was afraid to wear new clothes and change hairstyles.

29. what keeps you alive? everything and everyone. i love the world, a lot.

30. how open are you about having avpd? maximum security >:( unless you’re my mom. but then again, i think talking about a daily dysfunction-ing disorder twice in about five years isn’t all that much haha.

31. when starting a new relationship, when do you usually think it’s the right time to tell your partner you have avpd? i don’t know if i could start an honest and genuine relationship with someone if i didn’t let them know beforehand. but this could change.

32. do you listen to any songs that perfectly describe how you feel as a person who has avpd? not perfectly but i love first love, late spring by mitski, eartfquake by tyler, the creator, sense by tom odell, if i’m being honest by dodie, why by bazzi, cursive by billie marten, and listen before i go by billie eilish. music wise (not really lyrically) is the entire submarine ep by alex turner, only ones who know by arctic monkeys, singularity by bts, bad religion by frank ocean, and here’s an obscure one: bran-new lovesong by the pillows.

33. were you more of an innocent quiet child or a trouble maker growing up? innocent! i always followed rules.

34. are there any coping skills you want to try that you haven’t yet? coping skills are not really things apart of my routine. sounds like it would be good but i’m just trying to get to college.

35. are you currently in recovery? if so, how is that going for you? i would say yes! it’s going alright, some more lows than highs, but i’m insurmountably grateful for all of my highs.

36. what keeps you motivated? my dreams of becoming a writer/creative/academic and my personal responsibility to stay true to my identity.

37. name five qualities you like about yourself. sorry, this isn’t really a question i’m comfortable answering.

38. do you journal? if so, does it help you cope? yes! though it does help me in a stoic way, like meditation, it also helps because i’m really passionate about all forms of writing.

39. list some of your favorite avpd blogs. i have none; probably won’t ever have one.

40. how do you handle social interaction? i’m pretty good at leveled social interaction and i’ve gotten over my awkward quirky stage of adolescence (i think) lol. anything super deep is difficult for me, though. i almost never have heart to heart’s with anyone anymore.

41. are there any quotes/lyrics/etc that resonate with you? i already have a list of my favorite lyrics so here: “I leave you broken and shaking / but you still call me baby” “Please hurry leave me / I can't breathe / Please don't say you love me / 胸がはち切れそうで / One word from you and I would  / Jump off of this / Ledge I'm on / Baby” “You're the sun, you've never seen the night / But you hear its song from the morning birds / Well I'm not the moon, I'm not even a star / But awake at night I'll be singing to the birds” “She said: He might just be a big story / But there's more to life than truth” “in a foreign place / the saving grace was the feeling / what it was the heart he was stealing” “some people think its supposed to hurt / like it couldnt be real / if its putting you first” “its a hail mary / i bet it all that you dont want to see me now / but ill take my shot in the dark / for you” “Don't leave, it's my fault“ concerning quotes, i have none, but aza holmes’ monologue toward the end of turtles all the way down by john green when she’s hospitalized made me sob, really cry. i’ll always remember it as when one of the first times i’ve really felt seen and completely understood. i considered ocd for a bit because of this monologue.

[e-vacstation]

Enemy or Friend?

During my second post I said how a presence had chased me home one night.  I’m sure it hard for some to believe, sounds crazy really.  Yet it happened.  It was hard to explain at first to my psychiatrist when he asked for more detail about it.  Someone says they have a thing that they can hear and see you think hallucinations right? At first you said I was hallucinating thus meaning something more serious such as schizophrenia.  After this episode this was something I worried about though I wasn’t exactly hallucinating.

Over time I became more aware of this presence and she began to take shape.  During that first night it was just a shadow of a person no other real details.  Beside the shadow was a large white-yellow-goldish tiger.  Even now I can’t pick just one color that it was, it was like a shifting between those colors into something I couldn’t name.  Sounds terrifying.  This is what chased me home that night though I didn’t actually see them.  Let me explain what I mean.

I didn’t actually see these figures in reality.  I saw them in my mind’s eye.  Think when you look out a window to a tree outside, it's just a tree right.  Now picture someone sitting on a branch of that tree.  You see it but not actually seeing it.  You see it in your mind.  Now what happens when this image becomes strong enough that when you look you see nothing is actually there but you feel it.  That feeling that someone is watching you, next to you, behind you...but when you turn to look no one is there.  No one is ever there when you look but that feeling doesn’t go away when you look away, it stays.

More and more I would feel this presence, less the tiger but more the shadow.  Over time she began to take shape of a woman.  I didn’t know who she was or see any detail of her but I knew it was a she and that she was always there.  When I was at home either alone or not, outside just walking around, when I would be at work, everywhere I went.

As she began to take form I worried that she may be another personality, though that theory was crossed off since I was aware of her.  Probably the scariest moment of her taking form was when she spoke through me.  I had heard her voice before that night when I was trying to remember how to breath after I got home.  One of my roommates tried to talk me through it as I tried to steady my breathing.  I don’t exactly remember what we talked about but I do remember the presence spoke in my mind as if to respond to our conversation.  She told me how it didn’t matter what they did, I was hers and hers alone.  When she spoke through me was different.  I was texting a friend as I was breaking down to attempt to reach out to someone.  It was at some point it was like I turned off, like I was weak enough that she came through more.  She text through me using my voice to say her words.  I knew what she typed but it was as if I couldn’t stop it.  She didn’t keep her hold for long and as with a lot of events during this time it’s fuzzy.  I don’t remember what brought me back or what happened after that just the moment of her in control.

These events were before I was able to find a psychiatrist so we were all clueless as what to do about her or what she was.  As time went by she grew stronger with a body that I could see.  Even one night she gave me her name.  I had thought about her as I was falling asleep one night trying to think of what she was or who.  The last thing I remember was a voice saying “my name is Tasha”.

I had a name.  Something to call her by and with it she became more solid in a way as oppose to a shadow or something you see out of the corner of your eye.  I even drew a sketch of her when I first saw her standing with me waiting for a bus.  Tall, probably 5’5” if I had to guess though it was probably the heeled boots she wore.  A pleated skirt that hit her mid thigh with a blouse that had a deep v-neck and flowy sleeves.  Long straight hair hidden by white tulle that started at a hair clip, sort of like a wedding veil but just covering her hair.  Tasha wasn’t just a shadow chasing me in my mind she was like a real person but just someone I saw in my mind.

Surprisingly the more solid she became the calmer she was.  Less trying to hurt me or take me over to almost comforting.  A theory I had and still hold on to is that the aggression I felt and experienced at first was a way to get my attention.  Once I acknowledged her it was as if she chilled out, Tasha had the attention she wanted no reason to act out.  I looked for her, felt her all the time, and at a later point attempted to speak with her.

In my attempt I first consulted my therapist on if this was a good idea.  Once I got the green light from her I told my roommate, Nora.  We agreed I would try to meditate and reach out for Tasha while Nora would come in and check on me once every 20 minutes.  I sat in my closet, closed my eyes and focused on my breathing.  This wasn’t as easy as it sounds, just meditate and ask Tasha to come out, sure easy.  We didn’t know if it would work or not.  After 20 minutes it was time for the first check in, everything was ok I was still here.  It was after that check in that Tasha made herself known.

I’m not sure how I got there but I was in a dark area the floor was like stone beneath me.  That’s when I saw her but not like I had seen her before.  Every other time she had an air of confidence, a fire to her.  This feeling was different.  She was weak, the fire but a mere flicker of light.  She sat with her knees to her chest inside a large rusted metal cage.  As I approached I saw the door was larger than it should have been.  I called out to her but she wouldn’t move or even look at me. Why are you there?! Get up?! I would yell at her but nothing, and the next thing I knew I came to.  I awoke on the floor with Nora above me, mentally I was there but my body was heavy and exhausted.

I’m sure it’s hard to believe even after reading me explain it.  I thought I was actually losing my mind.  It was just one more thing I couldn’t explain and didn’t know if it was connected to everything else.  There were few people I could tell, how exactly do you explain this to someone even someone you trust? The look they give you sometimes is almost as scary as going through it.  A look of not sure what to do, how do I help, can I help, this is crazy.  As the person experiencing what good comes from telling someone something like this, what can they do to help? Will that person think you’re actually crazy and stay away from you no matter how much you try to cling? On the other side as the person watching this.  What do you do? Over time your friend deteriorates before your eyes, a shadow of their former selves.  The things they do tell you are so beyond what you know how to handle.  Or in some of the E-Vac crew, what can I do being so far away? The feeling of being so helpless as someone you care about suffers so much, you know you can’t take their hurt away or chase the demons away that they see and hear.  

Mental illness hurt not just the person going through it but the ones who care about that person.  Even with Tasha calmer how can someone not worry that she is a part of something bigger.

You’re probably wondering what Tasha turned out to be.  Even now my doctor’s are 100% sure of what she is.  They can rule out what she’s not but it’s a bit harder to stay for sure what she is.  The theory that both my psychiatrist and therapist agreed on what she was the result of depersonalization.

Depersonalization is as it sounds, the detachment of yourself.  I like Wikipedia’s description:

Individuals who experience depersonalization feel divorced from their own personal self by sensing their body sensations, feelings, emotions, behaviors etc. as not belonging to the same person or identity. Often a person who has experienced depersonalization claims that things seem unreal or hazy. Also, a recognition of a self breaks down (hence the name). Depersonalization can result in very high anxiety levels, which further increase these perceptions.

Depersonalization as both a symptom and a disorder are equally rare so it’s no wonder my therapists and doctors were intrigued by it.  Here are some numbers I found to try and get an idea of how rare it is:

Its estimated that 2% of people experience dissociative disorders, with women being more likely than men to be diagnosed. Almost half of adults in the United States experience at least one depersonalization/derealization episode in their lives, with only 2% meeting the full criteria for chronic episodes.

You might be thinking now that I’m on medication and seeking treatment for BPD Tasha is gone.  Not really.  My therapist also theorizes that Tasha is also someone I keep around to keep the feelings of loneliness from overwhelming me.  I still see her sometimes.  It’s not as strong as before.  Moments of feeling Tasha as opposed to days.  She feels further away on my good days but right next me on my bad days.  She’s no longer a separate entity but a part of me, at least that’s my thought of her.  Like a piece of me I lost over the years but she came back with a new name to knock some sense into the shell she became.  I suppose I’ll never know for sure what she is or how she came to be but she’s here.

Co-captain signing off for now.

[rylovesjaz]

Update some amount of months after I initially wrote this: I’m about to send this to you and I am scared shitless. I am somewhat excited, which sounds weird because it’s kind of depressing, but I’m glad I’m able to send it now. But mostly scared shitless. I feel like I’m a little bit better now than when I wrote this, so you should know that. You should also know that I’ve written you at least 20 other letters. I’m feeling pretty dissociated today, so that’s making this more difficult, but yeah. I hope this makes things a little bit easier to understand. I love you so much.

-

So. I’ve been thinking about writing this for a long time now. I’m not sure how much time has passed tbh. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get the chance to send this. I don’t even know what I’m going to end up saying, but I’m going to force myself to say something because you deserve that much from me. You deserve much more, but this is all I can do right now. I guess I’ll start with what happened. I’m not shitting you when I say that I can’t remember. I can’t remember the last time we talked or what was said or even what happened leading up to it. I’ve been told that no one really knows what happened to me because I can’t even remember. I don’t even remember the last thing that I remember. I don’t know how far I can think back because my perception of time is warped. I didn’t realize how bad my mental illness was. I have depersonalization-derealization disorder and maybe dissociated amnesia, in addition to bipolar disorder, and some symptoms of OCD (which, thankfully, are rather mild). I added links so you can read more about the stuff, if you want. I might be fucked up, but I’m still a nerd.

Back to the bipolar disorder, it’s known as a progressive disease, so, basically, it gets worse the longer it goes untreated or gets agitated (i.e. by taking the wrong medication, like antidepressants). Looking back, I’ve had symptoms since childhood, so you can imagine how much time it has had to build up. I finally realized that I have been experiencing psychosis in the form of delusions (definition: These are false beliefs that are not based in reality. For example, you think that you're being harmed or harassed; certain gestures or comments are directed at you; you have exceptional ability or fame; another person is in love with you; or a major catastrophe is about to occur.) Apparently believing vampires are going to attack you at 12 years old is not a normal thing. And I experienced a mixed episode for the first time recently- mania and depression at the same time. Holy fucking shit, it was fucking awful. Manic episodes have also worsened- I’ll stay up all night without sleeping (like right now- it’s 5 a.m.), go all day without eating, and have self-destructive urges, like wanting to drink. I’m currently in a depressed mood, but I also feel numb emotionally, which stems from the depersonalization-derealization disorder. So even though I feel like shit, I won’t cry or feel any emotion, positive or negative. I can watch a funny movie, but not find it funny.

As far as my physical health, it’s eh. I finally went to an orthopedic and found out that I fractured my tailbone and it re-healed incorrectly, so I have to have this really weird physical therapy where the therapist basically massages my butt for an hour twice a week. It’s kind of painful, but hopefully it will help the tailbone/hip/butt/leg pain I’ve been experiencing for what I think is years, but I’m not really sure. I also have arthritis in my knees because I’m fucking old. Although sometimes I forget my age.

Some other random things: Music has been everything lately. If you want to listen to what I’ve been listening to, it’s been a lot of Halsey. So much Halsey. My favorites are Control and Gasoline. James Arthur’s new album is great (especially Train Wreck), Wrong by MAX, and Gold by Imagine Dragons. I’ve been listening to the same shit on repeat forever now. I hear so many songs that make me think of you. The ones I can remember are Let Me Love the Lonely by James Arthur, I’ll Come Back For You by MAX, and Let’s Hurt Tonight by One Republic- I just heard that one.

There was something important- okay, I just remembered it as I was saying that. I’m not on meds because I haven’t found the right one. The only thing I’m currently taking is sleeping meds. What else? I’m trying to get all of this crap out of the way so I can get to the emotional stuff. My counselor said that the symptoms of depersonalization-derealization disorder get worse when I’m alone, so I basically constantly have to be around people. I’m also not allowed to read very much because apparently my brain goes ah, yes, perfect time to stop being here. That’s also why I haven’t been allowed to get online and talk to you, or at least update you. Any kind of stimuli, like watching TV or scrolling through Tumblr, for example, lets me lose touch with reality.

Now onto the emotional stuff. I honestly just need to start by saying that I’m deeply sorry. I also believe that words lose meaning over time, though, and I’ve said it so many fucking times by now. I’m sorry for saying sorry so much. I’m sorry for doing stupid shit that requires apologies. I’m sorry for going back on my apologies. If you’ve left me any messages, I’m not able to read them, so I really don’t know how you are or what you’re doing or if you hate my guts. Every time I’ve laid in bed, thinking about what I would say if I got the chance to say something to you, one of the things that always stuck out was that I had to say that I didn’t leave by choice. And it’s not important because I think it will save my ass, because I don’t deserve forgiveness at this point. But for your peace of mind, I wanted you to know that even though I can’t remember what happened, this is the accumulation of multiple mental illnesses that have gone untreated for far too long. My love for you has not wavered- even now when I feel numb, my Jaz is in the back of my mind. I also realize that this is just a bunch of thoughts strewn together in haphazard sentences, so bear with me, please. The point I want to make is that I am still deeply in love with you. Part of me hopes that you’ve moved on just because I want you to be happy. And I know that might piss you off, but true love (to me) is loving someone so much that their happiness is more important than your own. But if you haven’t moved on, that’s okay, too. If I’m in your thoughts, I hope that I’m doing stupid shit that makes you laugh and being a pain in your cute butt.

I’m a little bit afraid to send you this tbh. I keep telling my head it’s just kitten, it’s okay. But you are not just kitten. That’s an insult- you are the kitten. You are my kitten. And I am scared shitless that this will only make things worse. That I will undo whatever healing you’ve already done. Healing you had to do because of me. I’m also scared that you’re going to be angry or even more hurt or disappointed in me or whatever. I hate myself so much for whatever pain you’ve experienced because of me. Even though I can’t feel the self-hatred right now, it’s always there. Anyway baby, I am so tired right now, I don’t think I can write anymore because I can’t seem to make words into sentences and sentences into paragraphs and paragraphs into enough to tell you how sorry I am and how much I miss you and how much I love you. I love you so fucking much. I think it’s even more important to say that I care for you so fucking much. I hope that we’ll get to talk soon. I hope that you’re okay. Please always be okay. I love you an overwhelming amount.