#I went outside today and it was fun but so so so very tiring lmao but i realized i don't rly post things so here it goes one

[bluurange]

Something dumb @cokowiii and I were talking about and somehow ended with this lmao .... I don't draw Leoichi a lot I think but I kinda felt like finishing this one

[indigo-o]

The Pet clown

Pt 2

I think we know who it's abt lmao

Nikolai gogol x reader PLATONIC

And some fyodor

Reader is a teenager

Tw impatient stuff depression, fyodor drugging, sleep deprivation, those annoying blankets they give at mental hospital even tho it's like -1 degrees Celsius if you know you know, talk of death, yandere fyodor, Manipulation from fyodor, Nikolai gogol, I think that's it so yeah

Angst/fluff

I wish you were here, this room is empty. White walls, heavy doors, thin white blankets, and chained blury windows.

This thin gown can't keep me warm. I know him. He just wants what's best for me. I guess that even means putting me in this room. This room to keep me safe.

Safe from me. No possibility of me hurting. I'm to sick leave this bed and to tired to talk. He says I'm helping him.

Im helping him cleanse the world of evil. So I guess if my pain will save the world I'll stay in this room.

Everybody else deserves to be happy and well so I'll hurt for them. If one death would save the world I'd die.

My body's purple now.

I hear a click at the heavy door. To my surprise it wasn't a anemic rat, it was his pet clown.

"QUIZZZZZ TIMEEEEEE! WHY AM I HERE INSTEAD OF DOS-KUN?! I THINK I HEARD YOU SAY CAUSE HES HAVING FUN! CORRECT!".

I looked at him. My eyes were heavy. But he did bring some color to the room. I smiled at him.

I opened my mouth to talk but I couldn't.

"Oh dove you still can't talk! I forgot! Dos-kun told me to take you outside to have some fun.".

He lied, either were not going to have fun or fyodor didn't tell him anything. Either way I was going to have to walk. I knew I couldn't but I was going to try anyway.

Fyodor knew If I could walk I'd escape from him. So he kept me physically, emotionally and mentally sick. I would have no choice to stay.

As soon as I got to my legs I collapsed, but Nikolai caught me.

"Silly me I forgot you can't walk guess I'll carry you.".

He picked me up as if I were a little kid.

"D-dont dr-rop.". I manged to get out.

"Oh dove I may be crazy but not only do we need you, Dos-kun would kill me, but I want to protect you from harm. Not like you can protect yourself in this state.".

I looked at him. Then laying on him. We proceeded to go through his cape.

We were in what seemed to be his house/apartment.

He went to put me down on his couch but he's so warm.

"Wait w-warm.".

He looked down at me.

"I guess we can go out later.". He picked me back up and took me to his bed. Laying me down cuddled with blankets, pillows and now a pet clown. I shut my eyes and finally went to sleep.

I woke up to Nikolai looking down at me.

"Am I a good pillow?". I realized how I was very much on him.

I nodded my head.

"You want to go outside for a bit dove?". He was using a soft tone.

He wasn't ever like this

Maybe because I'm a teenager but I don't know.

He got up "You slept threw the whole night, but the good thing is we have a whole day today and tomorrow, you know why?".

He leaned in close "I lied Dos-kun is away and he doesn't believe in your freedom so I'm here to show him that you're a good kid who won't run away. You see Dos-kun takes away your warmth so you can't sleep making you so tired that's why you slept for so long he wants you to be weak, weak without freedom. I'm here to give you freedom. To fly like a dove.".

He went to his closet and pulled out some clothes.

"Here's so clothes to wear so we're not caught. That sounds weird. I my dear am a very wanted person so I must look different and you can't really walk let alone the sun should hurt you eyes so if I were to be caught you wouldn't leave be caught up in it.".

What ever he said I guess.

I changed and so did he and he look pretty different

He picked me up and took me to wheel chair that he some how got, but I shouldn't question it.

He placed me in the chair and we Leigt looked like sibling going out for fun.

"F-flowers please.". I looked to him.

"You want flowers we will get flowers.".

We went to florist.

"Hi! What flowers are yall looking for!". She sounded very happy.

"What do you want dear?". Nikolai asked

While I could barely see I knew exactly what I want.

"R-rose and Lillys.".

"Of course dear I'll get right to that!".

The rest of day was amazing

I got flowers, yummy pastries and other stuff.

Who knew a deranged clown could be so kind. But at last we came back to his apartment/house.

He made dinner for us and helped me get to the bed. He tucked me in.

"Good night dove.".

I woke up

Back in the room

The room with white walls, a heavy door, thin blanket and blury chains windows. But now there wad a desk but with roses and lily's on top of it.

I heard the door click. An anemic rat with his pet clown walked in.

"You've proven yourself for now, you may keep your roses and lily's. Nikolai may visit you now and then. One thing. You may not regain full energy but.".

He stopped his words and Nikolais smile grew.

"YOU CAN HAVE A NICER BLANKET AND I CAN READ BED TIME STORYS TO YOU ONCE A WEEK!".

He ran over to with a puppy dog smile.

"Don't make regret this.". The anemic rat walked away throwing the key at the pet clown.

That was alot longer than I expected but I hope yall liked it!♡♡

[honest-moth-of-silver-grove]

Hello! I hope you're doing well 🥰

If the requests are open could you do some headcanons for Trevor, Sypha and Alucard with a court jester S/O? (They may be currently courtless). They're fun and snarky and they love their partners laugh however rare it may be - so they make it their mission to get them to crack up as often as possible.

I just think it'd be really cute lmao

Thanks!

 A/N: Oh my gosh! This is such a cute ask! @metkapop Sorry if it’s bad, I just could not focus at all today.

🎭 Castlevania Trio w/ A Court Jester S/O HC: 🎭

Trio: 

If anyone could use some cheering up, it’s these three lol.

After all the three have been through, genuine laughter is hard to come by. 

That’s where our Court Jester S/O comes in. 

They’re smart, and quick-witted, and pretty fast on their feet. They probably come into the trio’s life sometime after S4 ends. Currently courtless, they were traveling in search of a new court when they came across Village Belmont- a small but thriving new settlement, complete with a huge castle right in the middle, so they assumed there must be some sort of royal court inside. 

They’re very impressed by the way things are run/ruled: it’s not exactly a democracy, but it certainly isn’t a monarchy either, which sort of takes the pressure off. It’s easier to be naturally comedic when you don’t have to tailor all of your humor towards one /almighty/ ruler. 

They’re immediately drawn to the trio. I mean, who wouldn't be? Lol. But it’s more than mere fascination, they feel a sort of responsibility to cheer them up. Hearing their stories, hearing of all the trials and trauma they went through, our Court Jester makes up their mind to do everything in their power to make each of the trio laugh. 

Trevor: 

Trevor is the second hardest of the group to make laugh. He’s not against humor, and he has a habit of making witty comments under his breath, but he’s tired as all hell. It’s hard to laugh when you’re just so exhausted. After all, it’s not every day you get in a fight with Death and win. Needless to say, the guy needs some recovery time. 

But he does love a good sarcastic joke, especially if it’s teasing Alucard, or poking light fun at any of the superstitions the villagers have. Knowing so much about the truth of monster hunting it’s easy to sort of scoff/laugh at other people’s ignorance surrounding it. 

For example, one night, there were rumors an untethered group of vampires was heading in the castle’s general direction. Whether they were hellbent on bloodshed or negotiation was another question entirely, one that mattered not to the people. 

Going about his day, Trevor kept smelling garlic everywhere, which was odd, because there wasn’t any garland or garlic visible. After the stench became unbearable (it kept making Sypha’s morning sickness worse), he sought out Greta for answers. 

At the time Greta was conversing with our Court Jester S/O, laughing about something they said. When Trevor interrupted and asked why the hell he kept smelling garlic everywhere, Greta confided that a few of the villagers got in their heads that if they bathed in garlic water, vampires couldn’t touch them… To which our Jester replied, “Oh yeah. Because seasoned food is way less enticing.” 

Trevor let out a chuckle but otherwise held his tongue. It was only when he made it back inside to Sypha that he broke down in a fit of laughter as he relayed the information. The two’s hysterics could be heard outside. It was the perfect combination of sleep deprivation and hilarity that sent Trevor over the edge. 

From that day forward, whenever Trevor was in desperate need of a laugh, Jester would sneak a bulb of garlic into one of his pockets, before hiding and awaiting the snickers that were sure to follow. 

Sypha: 

Sypha laughs the most, although, not as much as she used to before meeting Trevor and going on this journey with him. The last few months they spent together on the road changed the way she looked at people and life. She’s still positive and always wants the best for everyone, but she’s hesitant, and much more guarded now. 

With Trevor back, everything seemed possible again. She didn’t feel as alone and lost. But there’s still a lot she has to carry. Being pregnant, leading a village, watching over Alucard, and helping Trevor heal take up most of her energy, leaving little left for an appreciation of humor. 

That doesn’t deter her Court Jester S/O though, nope! Not at all! They just try harder to see Sypha smile. 

They help her with whatever chores Sypha’s doing at the moment, making pleasant conversation, and trying some banter. When that doesn’t work, Jster opts for a more physical approach. They offer to carry a stack of papers down to the cellar before tripping and falling three-stooges-style down the stairs. The paper goes flying everywhere, like confetti. But before Sypha can even blink, they pop back up, their little bells jingling as they do so: “I’m okay!” Cue paper continuing to fall comedically around them. 

Sypha is stunned with concern for a moment before she starts to giggle. One giggle, then twp, before she’s holding her swollen belly laughing. “That was perfect,” she says. “But for safety purposes, let’s try not to do that again.” 

Jester is careful, but they don’t stop the physical humor completely. They love making moves, even Sypha can’t see coming. For example, when Sypha uses her Speaker magic to conjure floating ice steps, Jester will try to climb up onto it from below, even going as far to get a ladder if they have to, just to slide themselves over the edge and start to do pull-ups on it. Yes, it’s slippery and hazardous, but Jester knows how to fall. They’ve done it so many times, they’re practically an expert by now lol. 

The sheer zaniness of Jester’s actions never fails to bring a knowing smile to Sypha’s face. She just asks that they promise not to act that way when her baby comes around, lest they teach her kid any ideas. 

Alucard: 

Alucard is by far the hardest to make laugh. He’s much more introverted and stoic than the other two. That’s not to say he doesn’t laugh or doesn’t enjoy humor- he does, but it’s much quieter and more subtle than the others. 

Alucard was under a lot of pressure at the end of S4, especially before Trevor seemingly returned from the dead. His stress levels were through the roof, even if he tried hiding it. 

In all the chaos, the one thing Alucard found brought him the most joy was playing with the kids in the village. He liked hearing them laugh as he chased after them from above, or snuck up on them when playing hide and seek. It reminded him so much of how his parents would play with him when he was a little boy growing up in the castle. 

This of course doesn’t go unnoticed by his Jester S/O, who makes a secret pact with the orphaned children to play a funny prank on Alucard when he’s least expecting it. 

The timing just so happened to work out perfectly. It happens just after the first snow of the season. The ground becomes coated in heavy, packing snow- perfect for making snowmen and snowballs. Jester and the children get bundled up and build two modest, unsuspecting forts. Then Jester asks Alucard to come help them referee the children's snowball fight. With a bit of begging, Alucard relents, happy to give Trevor and Sypha some alone time with their new baby. 

Unbeknownst to Alucard however, is that he is the intended target of the snowball fight. And that the two forts are stocked full of pre-made snowballs ready to launch on hidden catapults, perfect for surprisingly even the smartest of dhampir. 

Once Alucard gets into position, and gives the signal for the fight to begin, the kids unleash their snowball fury. They get a good few solid hits in before Alucard’s brain catches up to the fact he’s been bamboozled. He makes a move to super-speed away but not before Jester and a handful of other older kids tackle Alucard to the ground. Yes, they all end up getting pulled with snowball after snowball from their makeshift catapult contraption, but the snow in their hair and all over their clothes is well worth it. 

Alucard, covered in snow and ice, and now freezing children throws his head back and laughs- a deep genuine laugh. 

How surprising human joy is to him, even after all of this time. It’s infectious, and Alucard finds himself grateful to be amongst friends. 

After everyone’s nose starts to freeze, he ushers the children back inside their respective homes, promising to play with everyone again tomorrow. 

Once he and Jester are back inside, he offers to make tea for the two of them. Jester of course accepts graciously, still warming themselves by the fire. Alucard leaves for the kitchen, but not before lobbing one perfectly formed snowball right at Jester’s back. Revenge was a dish best served cold after all. 

I hope you enjoyed it! If you did, don’t forget to Reblog! 

Once again, the cute daisy chain divider is courtesy of @cafekitsune !

[kadextra]

I couldn’t watch the q!Bad lore stream live today and don’t feel like putting a bunch of vodblogs in the main tag, so I’m gonna try something new and put it all in one massive post

so if you missed seeing me on the dash and wanna read about me maybe losing my mind (depending on what happens as I watch) here ya go :D

WAIT WHAT??? Q!BAD IN LIMBO DEATH LIMINAL SPACE AGAIN AT THE START OF STREAM?????

MY GUY THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH YOU‼️‼️‼️

oh there’s a second him that’s so trippy. he doesn’t recognize himself again, they’re walking together.

THIS IS SO COOL OH MY GOD?!?!?!? now they are digging in the sand??

ah so the corpse of… also himself is still at the deserted village, but its decomposed into a skeleton now. interesting DONT DRINK THE POISONED WATER NOT AGAIN ok good phew. good confirmation this is not a loop, there is new stuff happening that didn’t last time

dude this is so awesome he is cooking so hard. I’m gonna rewatch this whole part again later, I really love surreal stuff like this

nevermind it might actually be a loop? we went back right to where we were at the start. why does he keep sitting outside of the temple, and doesn’t go inside?

TOP FUNNEL 🕺🕺🕺

and we’re back. he can’t remember how to use the warp stone again :( the memory book is not in his hotbar uh oh.

Hi Ben o/

he doesn’t know the eggxhibition… you built this man, I’m gonna cry. NOOO HE DOESNT KNOW BOBBY IS DEAD AGAINNNNN

POMME. “MY DAUGHTER” WAAAAAHHH

“too early to put this up” <- referring to the día de los muertos decor. dude what time and day are you in

he found the egg hospital!!! oh no now he’s looking around erratically. I think he’s panicking :(((( and once again picked some flowers to self-soothe :((( god the flowers are so special to him, they seem to be like his main grounding thing. q!forever doesn’t even know the impact he made

he’s home!!!

dark matter by the vulture lab door uh? a knight armor guy sweeping??? is that a ghost??? what just happened?

oh god the vulture lab

IT WAS A GHOST THE ARMOR IS THERE AND THE BROOM IS IN THE CHEST. possessed armor that’s fun! :D

DAPPERRRRRRRRRR DAPPER MY BABY IS AWAKE AND ALIVE

dapper looks so horrible omg also her name is lowercased?

vacation. sure

“I didn’t get to keep it (the eye guy) as a pet.” yeah that’s definitely dapper.

also he doesn’t want to wear armor like the new eggs that’s weird

T E A. and q!bad’s memory is still fudged.

dapper your dad is very sick….

he remembers its been 2 months dapper has been gone! :0 DAPPER WAS NOT IN PURGATORY THE WHOLE TIME??? JUST A FEW DAYS???? EXPLAIN WHY NOW

q!bad keeps forgetting what they’re doing, and then goes off and does something else….. I don’t know if dapper fully realizes what’s going on, maybe she’s just too tired themselves to pay close attention to her dad?

“Since when did we have a farm?” Buddy.

PHILZA IS SOOOOO HAPPY TO SEE DAPPER LETS GOOO

“we hid him (dapper) underground, we weren’t sure if the island was safe” We? you and…? cucurucho?

DAPPER GOT YEETED INTO THE BOAT AHAHAHA

oh they really did get launched by the nuke and hit the boat I knew it. also I see you…. zooming into the back wound when phil said “you made it in one piece”

PRIVILEGED LOBSTER IS BACK REJOICE

chayanne was who led the eggs to leave? huh. chayanne you’ve got some explaining to do

not them talking about the eye guy’s snatched waist 💀💀💀💀 tbh they did slay

philza wants to beat up the eye guy and elquackity I support him so much

dapper hitting his dad off the top of the wall we’re so back!!!

ETOILES SEEING DAPPER and then fell off the wall LMAOOO

q!bad forgot that he forgot his memory

(I am so engrossed in the conversations I am forgetting to write things here lol)

“can we teach etoiles to cope” (with losing to the code) then they make him break a sign with 1s and 0s on it and he logs LMAO

q!bad just mentally zoned out and stared once again at flowers….. oh. the coughing :(

pomme was the leader when the eggs went surviving in the wilderness :3 that’s my girl!!!!!!

everyone just bouncing on the trampoline and chit-chatting is so sweet, I missed this <3

dapper is so based all the time

roier seeing dapper again awwwww

ough I really really missed dapper’s out of pocket jokes :(((

“I’ll get cleaned up for tomorrow, I’m sure it’ll turn out fine!” *hits F5* “I need pomme and the rest of the eggs to wake up, and I’ll probably feel right as rain…” haha stop it q!bad I don’t like this!!!!! 😃

he just said he didnt know a church was built here. now they’re at the graveyard talking about how he saw the dead eggs at día de los muertos </3 sobs sobs

Q!MAX T-T I miss you king o7

“learning how to raise the dead might come in handy” “we will worry about that later” ??? Please Stop That!

CODEBREAKERS JUMPSCARE

“I kinda won in this whole situation!” (the eggs being back) Sure bud. You aren’t dying or anything. You definitely have not entered limbo twice.

DAPPER PUTTING FLOWERS BY EACH EGG IN THE HOSPITAL. THE CROWN BY CHAYANNE GAHHHH AUGHHH GGUGHHG 💥💥💥

honey for smelly richas :3

q!bad saying dapper will like bagi and that she’s a really good friend, and will be his aunt. cries and punches a hole into the wall

More Coughing 👁️ dapper please help your father he needs serious medical attention.

BAD FORGOT ABOUT THE GHOSTIES THIS WHOLE TIME. BUT WE ARE FREE ONCE MORE!!

quit saying things are going to be okay I know you are jinxing something and it’s scary. there is a giant hole in your head and your back is turning green.

they’re going to see the prison and courtroom!!

WHAT DID HE JUST SAY

“forever for the crime of looking too handsome I sentence you to 10 years in prison!” UNPROMPTED? I know what you are 🏳️‍🌈‼️

I CANT DO THIS

FINALLY THE BIRTHDAY PARTY CELEBRATION FOR DAPPER. so many nights. so many nights where we’d watch him sit awake, crying at that table. waiting, waiting for something that would never come. but now it’s here. I’m in anguish

“once the eggs wake up we’ll have a big birthday party! a big ol birthday party. yep. a party.” why did you say that with such a weird tone sir?

DAPPER BURYING THEMSELVES WHEN HE FOUND OUT ALL THE MACHINES BROKE KKKKKKK

he reintroduced skeppy to dapper…

he is explaining the great furniture stealing to dapper. who was there when it happened and already knows. “my memory hasn’t been very good lately, I think.” Yeah You Think? I wonder q!bad forgot he’s the one who stole it all?

DAPPER IS BACK TIME

the child is locked outside

PFFT HES CHAINSAWING THE DOOR <3333 AND HAS AN ELEPHANT

yes dapper be salty at your dad for accidentally locking you out

REAL DAPPER TIME!!!!!!!

the sunshine recording omg. he played it for company the entire time they were alone… AAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHH HGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHHHGHGHGHGGHHGHFHFHGGFHFGHHHGHHBSBENFMFKS

dapper doesn’t know why q!bad is blue 😀 he doesn’t know…….. haha head in hands

they are going to visit Niki :3

OHHH HER REACTION TO DAPPER <333 she’s such a sweetheart. have I ever said how much I love niki? she was so great in purgatory, and earlier today I got to watch her meet empanada and bond over baking and sweets <3

nice look at the head wound from the inside

q!bad’s been so insistent on dapper going to the eye doctor, I have heard him say this so much over the last several days. even in his memory lapses he remembers it. Why? mr. colorblind YOU need to go to the eye doctor. go hospital.

yeah the alien ships from the map do look like eyes don’t they

based niki her favorite animal is elephants :3 SHUT UP Q!BAD YOU DEMON don’t eat the elephants

the hungriest little guy on the island strikes again

I’m just chilling listening rn, bad dapper and niki are so late night podcast vibes

perry the schnabeltier

TREASURE PLANET >>>>

in the dark of the night is kind of a q!bad song ngl

let’s go a washing machine in dapper’s lab :D oh that was a weird pause in the middle of your sentence bad :D

dapper is running on the ceiling!! they are so talented!

OH MY GOD.

SUNSHINE

bawling my eyes out hold on

the 3 months where q!bad has been so depressed and suffering just went flashing through my mind. every time he had sang the song in a teary broken voice, with nobody across from him listening. in the graveyard as a rainstorm raged above. but now his sunshine is back… hit me like a truck

they are gonna sleep hugging together tonight :’3

“I know it seems I’ve been out of character (since the beginning of the stream) but trust me, I haven’t. I’ve been in character this whole time…”

“Goodbye, see you tomorrow ….I’m sure everything is going to be just fine. :)”

I’m scared

—

well I guess this is the end of my vodblogging lore post!!! I hope it was fun to read jfjdjshdh it was just the thoughts I Would have posted if I was liveblogging. my eyes are still watery :’)

see you all tomorrow for whatever horrors await

[surlifen]

today was so EVENTFUL

first I had my first three classes and it was super foggy this morning <3333333 fog<3333333 and then we were supposed to do wildlife outside, but the fire alarm for the wildlife and fisheries building went off while we were waiting for the prof to show up and class to start 😭 when we were let back in and he showed up he was like "idk if we have time I'm debating whether we should still go" and I was like "LET'S PLEASE. I WANT TO." so we did LOL went up into the forest and there was a turtle at the pond :3

that was class... then I streamed art for a bit and then roomie and I got dinner and it started pouring rain while we were in the dining hall and I was super pogged about it

THEN we went to the circus meeting (I got soaked on the way over) and I tried STILTS!! digitigrade ones! and I was a NATURAL 😭 they were like wow that was so good for your first time? and I was like thanks I'm a furry NSJHSGDJGA it felt so fucking COOL to tower over people and walk around like a werewolf it was soooooooo everything I've ever needed GRRRR

and then we left playtime (that is what circus meetings are called) early to go to SKATE NIGHT... which was super fun they played so many bangers. ended the night on rasputin

basically a very sweaty night and very tiring for my legs and feet LOL

headed back to our dorm and right when we got there THE POWER WENT OUT LMAO. but as it so happened I was wearing my glow in the dark dangling skeleton earrings which GENUINELY HELPED. i took a night shower and then roommate and i talked for a while while i ate my ice cream lest it melt without power in the freezer and then the power returned 🎉

[rationalisms]

Hi Alma, what are you up to these days? :)

hi!! absolutely nothing to be quite honest! it's cold and gross outside and i'm very tired lmao.

i'm spending most of my time these days playing various ttrpgs. my weekend group finished the cyberpunk red campaign (highly rec trying it, it's a gr8 system) and started a scum & villainy (sci-fi forged in the dark) game which is incredibly fun, i'm still in a d&d 5e group, and i just started a shadowrun 5e game that's really cool as well. plus, joined a new group with a friend of mine where we're gonna try a bunch of systems :^) we played a sentinels oneshot yesterday (superhero ttrpg with a really fun character creation system) and are gonna start bubblegumshoe soon (gumshoe is a mystery game and bubblegumshoe is specifically about teenage detectives which i love sm) so that's exciting.

i'm hoping to start GMing my own campaign soon which is based on greek myths (finagling together a powered by the apocalypse system for that) but scheduling is gonna be the issue with that one lol.

my friend is planning a halloween one-shot where we're gonna play dread (a game i've been wanting to play for aaaages and i'm so glad he agreed to use that as a system lol, basically instead of rolling dice you use a jenga tower to determine things) and it's gonna be a train mystery so i'm really hype for that!

i also finally remembered the name of the series of books i was obsessed with when i was like 11 (the bartimaeus sequence) so i'm re-reading those and feeling very nostalgic atm lmao

otherwise, uh, i have just been playing a frankly unacceptable amount of fortnite tbh. didn't have me getting into fortnite unironically on my 2023 bingo but It Is What It Is. tbh most of the fun comes from playing it with friends. it's kind of scratching the same itch for me o.g. overwatch used to except that fortnite is actually a good game lmfao

my friend and i also went to a cute bakery to get a rly nice cupcake today so that was nice :')

thank u for asking ur a sweetheart <3 i hope ur own life is going great and if ur in the northern hemisphere i hope the grody weather isn't getting to u too badly. pls do feel free to tell me what u have been up to as well. have a lovely rest of ur week!!

[episbep]

rehab day thirty seven

oh fuck wow oh no ok idk how to even start todays entry

• got pulled into a room at the centre by ☀️ 👶 for a big kiss session chat and cuddle before returning to the group like *nothing happened* told him I was sad so needed some dick asap, suggested McDonald’s toilets at lunchtime lmao (ketsket behaviour)

• gender group therapy I was just exhausted and disengaged rly didn’t take much from it whatsoever

• lunch at McDonald’s (no ☀️👶)

• ☀️👶 asked if we could ‘have a chat’ and took me to the COUNSELLORS ROOM where I’ve only ever had 1:1s and bollockings….told me he thinks it best to refrain pursuing our thing we have going on further because it’s a rule for a reason and we’re working towards being better versions of ourselves, not degrading each other or ourselves, or searching for validation/emotional fixes through sex but we can like wait a month and see where it takes us when we’re both out of treatment and clean - and I was like yh ok but sad had one last kiss and went out seperate ways

• ‘fun activity’ afternoon I just sat in the sun and didn’t rly do anything while everyone else played rounders - briefly spoke to ☀️👶 that realistically we won’t wait…we both have needs and he was like calm if you wanna sleep with someone else crack on, held my hand in the cafe, I wanted to kiss and cuddle still because I am developing feelings but refrained bc I respect him and his wishes

• back at the house was very sad, big tears, he called to talk, I understand completely what he’s saying but still hurts and felt like it was because he just wanted to get rid of me for someone better or didn’t want me to get upset or whatever but very much not a great feeling

• NA meeting - I cried so much, he shared that he was feeling good about having cut off a potential relationship and is following advice/suggestions which made me even sadder but also proud bc like yes it is the right thing to do - I shared and held it together for like 5mins before leaving room to absolutely fall apart

•☀️👶 came to comfort me even though I’d gone outside and sat on a wall in the trees, crying my eyes out (there is also other shit going on that I’m not gonna share on here I’m not just a huge cry baby emotional clingy ass bitch)

• gave me some cuddles and we spoke some more about separating ego from self and committing to the program, trusting in higher power that we are where we are meant to be and expressed he really likes me a lot and sees a relationship between us when we leave here and for some reason I believe him, I trust him and I want to do and be better for us both. Gave me a huge boost of motivation that was very much needed. Shared to housemates about arranging to pick up a half oz of k when I go home and they helped with deleting dealers snap and fb so I can’t pick up £10 grams or relapse when I get out - feel like I’m back in the game, motivated and honest. Also called my mum and confessed this to her - created a to do list including changing my number

• another long call with ☀️👶 to thank him and apologise and ensure he’s not sacrificing his recovery to support me and/or that I’m not leaning too heavily on him - he reiterated that he has legit feelings and wants us to stay in touch after I leave, meet up, etc - my understanding is that the only thing we are stopping is sexual pursuit, emotional bonds are fine bc I can’t stop the feelings that I have and I don’t want to lose him, already lol.

•worked on step 2&3 with housemates while they watched a film, spent ages writing my daily diary for the counsellors to read, bed

•it’s like 2am I’m so tired

[the-good-projxct]

Feb 29th, 2024

10:39 pm listening to Giveon’s favorite mistake. Sitting in my room in Karen. I had such a people centric day. Like, I love people and ting. I love them in the way that God expects us to Love one another. In the sense of please do you, achieve your dreams, hopes and goals without anyone hindering you, may you feel Love and Love. Now, do I enjoy being around people, especially strangers? Not really. And it is not a conscious dislike type of thing, it's that being around strangers is exhausting to me. EXHAUSTING. We don’t even need to engage much but any room with more than 5 strangers exhausts me. I think it's because I am very aware, present with strangers and such an engagement is just tiring. With people I know or I am close to, it is basically my favorite kind of hang out. I can spend a crazy amount of time with people I Love and I am used to, if I am mentally prepared for it. So there are layers. I Love time with people I Love, only if I am in that headspace. Strangers, it's generally a no for me dawg. One on one hang outs are my absolute favorite. Anyway, today I went to the central business district(CBD) via matatu. First I went to the hub to pick up my pants and jumpsuit. Thank you Aunty Rose for hemming them and getting them back to me so quickly. Then Kendi and I walked to the matatu stop, took a loud and packed matatu to GPO. Got out, walked to Hazina towers. I saw my cousin Kendi and her mom for a little bit. Then as I was walking to Imenti, I saw a little nail shop and decided to get a mani-pedi. Yo, the amount of massage involved was incredible. He didn’t do my toenails as I wanted but we agreed next time, he will. The guy doing my nails asked me if I was Ethiopian, sigh. I am always a foreigner. I am always othered. Bane of my existence. I told him no, I am Meru. And he laughed, saying I was quiet for a Meru. Then we talked about stereotypes and how people are people. He reflected on his comment on his own and it was nice to observe that. Anyway, while I was doing my nails I called Shaka, we chatted for a bit. He is not doing well. And then I called Munene because I was feeling sad about Shaka and we talked for like an hour. The nail guy then realized, I talk to my people, I am not quiet with my people. Then I walked to Imenti and that was intense. So many people, everywhere all at once. It can be overwhelming because I have to be sooo alert. Anyway, as if that wasn’t enough of CBD, Kendi and I decided to go look for things we wanted to buy. We walked around the street markets at peak street market hours. It was loud, bustling and so many people were shoulder to shoulder. It was a nice little adventure though. I got a pair of jeans and cool round glasses. I use sunglasses or glasses a lot when I am here because of the level of dust and particles in the air, my eyes always get irritated. When I came home, Baby Jason Mwenda called me Mbete because she wears glasses. LMAO. When we got home, we told SweSwe that we couldn’t sleep last night because we thought it was a bird was making noise. Then she told us it was a frog. We were like, huhh? A frog?!?. Anyway, we went outside to find this LOUD frog and kill it because we needed sleep. Turns out, it was in the empty, unused, relic of a pool. Mulandi went down to find the frogs while Kendi and I used our phones as flashlights. He killed them and it was quiet again. It was such a weird but fun adventure. Anyway, Life is soo soo Gøod. Ase.

[zorasapphires]

I had a lot of cosplay thoughts after pax but I've forgotten them now my brain is slush after moving house today...OK I ended up writing a lot

I think it basically surmounted to...I do miss cosplay. a lot. and it's just such a huge fucking shame that I have so much bitterness towards it and so many complicated negative feelings when overall it's just a fun hobby full of love and just wanting to be passionate about cool characters and games and art and show my appreciation for it all.

on a base level, fatphobia is a pretty big annoyance. something I can get over but annoying and real none the less. then there my perfectionism. then there's my competitive side that makes me think there's no point to my cosplay unless I win an award for it. so just compounding negativity that means I never end up finishing any project I start

over the weekend tho a thought occurred to me that like. I hate attention? I hate people talking to me? I had a cool cat bag I took to the city and I was like yeah wanna use this bag so ppl see it and think nice bag! then someone on the train poked me and said nice bag! and all I could think was please don't talk to me. why did you talk to me can't you see I'm wearing headphones.

so if I went through that over a simple tram interaction why the FUCK do I want to even win the Championships of cosplay? I don't want to get flown to America. I don't want to meet international cosplayers. I don't want to party with other ppl. WHY make cosplays for competitions if I don't want half the shit that comes along with that?

if I do want to do other comps it's also like. aus cosplay community is VERY tight knit. everyone talks to everyone. and I think it's pretty obvious that knowing the cosplay judge gets you a lot further in the comp. it's not like..you have to know them to win...but knowing them means they know more insight to how much effort you put into it. like the runner up of the Championships got it bc...she improved her cosplay after talking to the judge outside of the comp lmao...judge straight up said that...like improving cosplays isn't something everyone does it's just we don't all get the opportunity to talk to a judge outside comp about it.

BUT ANYWAY that's me being stupid and negative. what really got to me at pax was how full the theatre was. how fun the cosplay parade was. last year's winner saying never give up cosplay, never give up passion, stop saying dream cosplay and make the damn cosplay. seeing ppl wear their fave characters and it didn't matter how accurate it was, just that we are all there to share passion.

sorry. tired brain dump???

[lale-txt]

💌 birthday letters to Rayleigh (gn!reader, no pronouns)

a/n: today's the day!! i've been telling myself that i would just write something small for his birthday but who am i fooling anymore at this point lmao. blorbo brain taking over; he's my favorite of them all. it's soft and fluff, it's a bit suggestive (not full on smut), it's a bit heart-wrenching. it's everything, he's everything. the happiest birthday to the dark king who i'm completely normal about <3

word count: 2.3k

❦ 35

Rayleigh wakes up with his head drumming. Next to him a naked Roger, all limbs stretched out like a starfish, the blanket only covering the bare minimum (that was actually not so mini). Must have been a wild night in that bar? He tries to collect his memories, but the booze from last night was still making things very foggy. He rubs his temples and reaches for his glasses on the nightstand, neatly folded next to a glass of water and some pain killers. He can’t remember that he put this up there. Geez, he was getting old. Only when he puts on his glasses does he see the little note on the back of a wrinkly receipt…

“Good morning, stranger. Had to run back to the bar to clean up. You pirates sure know how to party, huh? Anyway, thanks for the fun night and the love bruises. And the bite mark on my ass. Wish I could have kissed you a little more. Somehow your lips on mine felt a lot like coming home… is that a weird thing to say? Oh well. My heart feels very full. Oh, and happy birthday again! 35, such a fun age, started with a bang (literally). PS: Your captain didn’t join the fun, only stripped and crawled in your bed, mumbled something about how he always does that… I had a feeling we both hoped he would join us, though? Left my panties in the pocket of your jacket, maybe you want to return them tonight x”

❦ 36

Soft linen sheets, early dawn. The sea is quiet today, the Oro Jackson floating on the gentle waves towards the next adventure, their jolly roger blowing proudly in the wind. In the ship’s kitchen the birthday cake preparations for the first mate are in its final stages. After having to start all over again because a certain captain accidentally sat on the first one, the second one turned out even more grandiose than before. It all went unnoticed by Rayleigh who fell into a deep booze induced slumber early…

“My birthday king, you’re sleeping so peacefully next to me, it makes it hard not to cover your pretty face in kisses, but I fear I might wake you up from it. It feels kinda nostalgic, writing you a note like that even though it’s only been a year since that fateful night. I asked you to return my panties and you just stole me away from that lousy bar, making me join the crew on the spot… And boy, how happy I’ve been ever since that day. There are no words. My heart has been the fullest ever since you touched it. Oh, how I love you. Happy birthday, my love, my everything. x PS: I’m gonna go look for Roger, he seemed pouty that he had to share the tradition of a ‘birthday handjob’ now…” 

❦ 44

Rayleigh wakes up and stretches his tired bones. Why did he have to learn it the hard way that the older you get, the more your body just starts aching? He ruffles his golden hair, reaching for the empty sides of his bed. When did it become a tradition that his lovers let him wake up alone on his birthday? He wondered what they were up to today, they sure managed to surprise him every year with new mischief… He could hear muffled laughter from outside his cabin door, hushed voices speaking to each other, the overly-excited laughter of children bouncing from every wall. Someone hisses the names of the ship’s apprentices Shanks and Buggy, followed by more giggles when a folded envelope is pushed underneath the door. Then, the sound of several footsteps running down the hallway until their laughter is only a faint echo. Rayleigh smiles softly and gets up, unfolding the letter that had his name sprawled across in a wonky handwriting (he couldn’t tell if it was from the kids or Roger).

“Your birthday treasure hunt starts now! Put some pants on and come out to play, old man! Here’s your first hint: (a wobbly drawing of a man with a glorious mustache holding up a mushed birthday cake, some suspicious butt-shaped prints on it, someone drew lots of hearts next to him)  PS: HBD WE LOVE YOU PPS: the kids (and Roger) are out of control, not saying that one of them caught fire earlier but… just come save me now my birthday king, I LOVE YOU xx”

❦ 52

A small handwritten note lies on Rayleigh’s nightstand, next to his glasses and a vase holding a big bouquet of flowers. Their scent makes him wonder for a second if he’s lying in the grass of a wild meadow, with the morning sun kissing him as if he was a gift from heaven. His heart felt the fullest it had ever been; he just knew that big things were about to happen soon. But for now he just had another birthday to celebrate with the people he loved the most…

“Good morning, Love! Find us outside, hope you’re in the mood for cake and lots of sloppy kisses. Roger and Oden got sentimental and drank your birthday booze while you were still asleep… hurry, I miss you and I can’t wait to plaster your handsome face in lots of kisses. Happy, happy birthday. You are the love of my life. xx”

❦ 54

“Happy birthday, Ray.  May this day be filled with nothing but sweet memories for you. Am I part of them, too? I’m writing these lines and can’t help but wonder where you are right now. It still feels surreal that the Roger Pirates were disbanded. I know Roger was setting us free, but still… It's been a year and I feel so lost often. I miss my family. I miss you. I don’t know where I belong and dream every day about the Oro Jackson. If only we could set sail all together one last time. It’s strange, right? How things just change and there’s nothing you can do about it? It feels like time is running through my fingers and I just cling to the past, leaving claw marks all over it. This might be the most depressing birthday message one has ever received, huh? I’m so sorry.  I think of you often and with often I mean all the time. I miss your kisses. I miss your hand in mine. With love, forever yours. xx”

❦ 55

“Rayleigh, can I wish you a happy birthday or is that too much to ask for? Have you known happiness ever since he’s been gone? Can you stare at the sea without shedding a tear, thinking about his smile? Because I can’t. Sometimes I still hear his laugh, like a faint echo from another life. When I close my eyes, I can still feel his hand on my shoulder; as if my whole body was made of memory foam, desperately trying to keep him alive. I couldn’t watch it (I know you couldn’t either) but I heard that he was smiling. I wouldn’t have expected anything else from our captain. From our lover. Are we still lovers? Because my heart still yearns for you, it’s calling out your name over and over again. I know your heart is bleeding but do you think there’s still some space for me in there? I haven’t known peace ever since you let me go. My home was never on the ship, it was right in your arms. Sending you a hundred kisses, with love. xx”

❦ 64

“My Love, what is life like on Sabaody for you? Are you having a blast for your birthday? I really wish I could be with you today, but you know, the sea was calling out my name. But be sure that I’ll make up for it another time, I still have so many kisses for you that haven’t touched your lips yet.  I met Shanks a while ago, he told me that you looked as handsome as ever (those weren’t his exact words, but I saw you before my eyes vividly). Seeing him all grown up made me feel so old, haha! I think in my heart he and Buggy will always be the little kids they once were, falling asleep on top of us after a long day of pirate practice. Those were the times, huh? It was quite a shock to see Shanks’ missing arm though, wasn’t it? He told me the same story as you, about this boy in the East Blue who said exactly the same words as Roger. I’m still getting goosebumps when I think about it. You must be dying to meet him, right? Because wow, SAME. The world is about to change, I can feel it… Running out of space, so happy birthday again, my darling! I love you so, so much. Forever yours, x PS: Give Shakky some kisses from me too, please! I can’t wait to see you both again very soon.”

❦ 76

A small island in the calm belt, Rusukaina, not far from Amazon Lily. Population: 2, a rubber boy and his mentor. On an island that changes its season almost weekly, it’s a warm spring day. The post seagull drops its letter into the lap of the old man, the familiar handwriting on the envelope putting a warm smile on his face. He was wondering when he’d get a life sign again… He takes a breath to let his fingers run over the paper, thinking about the person who carefully put so much love between those lines; a ritual as steady as the tides.

“Ray, my love. I don’t know where to start. Maybe with a happy birthday and that I love you always? Can’t believe I’ve been wishing you that for more than 40 years now. Who would have known back then in that shabby bar that we would grow old together, in our own way? I’ve overheard a group of young people gushing over your bounty poster recently, saying that you’re quite the silver fox! They didn’t use the word silver fox but a four letter word and it’s very fitting. Can you guess it? Now. Roger’s son? I think my heart shattered all over again. For Edward too… I’m on my way to their funeral right now and I can’t help and wonder if Roger is watching? That… fucker (affectionate). I don’t even have the right words. I know he had all his reasons to trust old man Garp with his child, but my head has been spinning ever since I’ve heard the news. I felt so helpless and mad and… guilty, thinking we should have been the ones to raise him. Fuck. He looked just like Roger when he was younger. It should have been us; we would have loved him so, so much. You saw that pain in his eyes too, didn’t you? I think it pierced right through my heart. I’m glad he found a home with Edward though. That must have been son number 1600 for him, right? It feels like yesterday when we met him and his crew on that island. He was one of the greatest. Still standing, even in death… Now, my vision is getting blurry. Roger’s last words to us are still echoing in my head and maybe that’s one of the greatest burdens the living have to carry; the pain of still being here, despite all, of breathing through shattered glass, trying not to pity the dead. Let’s make the best out of the life we still have, shall we? I love you for as long we still have and longer, in the next life also and in the one after that. How lucky, to love and be loved. I’ll write to you again soon. Awaiting  your letters and your kisses, loving you always. xx PS: So, I’ve heard you put that boy Shanks told us about under your wings… I can’t wait to meet him myself. I’ve been watching his journey with so much joy.”

❦ today

“Rayleigh, how many letters have I written to you by now for your birthday? Countless. And yet none could have fully said how deep my love runs for you and I don’t think this one will either. Guess I have to continue writing to you until my last breath, because that’s for sure how long I will love you. I just know you’re smiling while reading that. You always were so calm and collected on the outside but such a romantic at heart. Remember when you proposed to me and just bawled your eyes out as soon as you got on your knees? Roger had to dry your tears with the sleeves of his pink shirt and sat next to you cross-legged, rubbing your back until you calmed down, all while Gaban and the kids held my hands because you weren’t the only one sobbing. Actually, I think everyone was crying that night. It’s still one of my favorite memories. How we ate cake from the floor that night and we all made flower crowns together. I still have mine, dried and preserved for an eternity. Rayleigh, please find me again in the next life, just like you did in this one. I’ll recognize you from the way you kiss my eyelids and how you push those golden strands of hair behind your ear; I’ll recognize you by how you peel a peach and cut it into small slices because you know that’s how I like them the most and from how the way you set my heart on fire with your gaze alone. Cheers to a love that’s bigger than life and cheers to the man who I devote my heart to; who I will love forever and ever, until we aren’t no more. Happy, happy birthday, my darling. Forever yours. x”

[kirishimas-manly-eyeliner]

➶ WHAT MAKES THE MHA BOYS BREAK (PT. 2)

pairings: mirio togata, tenya iida, katsuki bakugo, aizawa shota, tomura shigaraki, dabi, hawks, mashirao ojiro, tamaki amajiki

warnings: hinting anxiety/anxiety attacks, reverse comfort, also tamaki’s made me cry so have fun lmao 

part one with mezo shoji, tokoyami fumikage, hanta sero, izuku midoriya, shoto todoroki, eijiro kirishima, denki kaminari, hitoshi shinsou here!

WHEN YOU COMFORT THEM THE MOMENT THEY BREAK DOWN: MIRIO TOGATA, TENYA IIDA, KATSUKI BAKUGO

MIRIO TOGATA

there was no way that mirio was completely fine after everything that had happened to him

he had lost his quirk, experienced a battle that could result in permanent trauma, and he lost nighteye-- the leader and hero that he had looked up to for so long

but when you told him that it was okay to be strong all the time, mirio had broken

he broke for the first time in what felt like years

“don’t worry a-ahbout me!” 

the saddest part about it?

he was smiling through his tears not even a few moments after his grin broke

his lips were trembling, his eyes were red and his entire body was shaking with suppressed sobs, but he had an unwavering smile.

and that... that was heartwrenching to look at.

his smile fell, his body trembled and he let out a strangled sobbut for some reason, this-- none of it had shown a single trace of weakness. it was a way of him to express very human emotions and reactions as everyone else could.

he wasn’t disappointing nighteye in anyway-- more of showing respect by letting it all out to be able to show genuine smiles in public

how come such human emotions were labeled as good or bad?

“i let him down,” mirio gasped, “i let him down, i hurt him, i could have saved him, and-”

“hey, it’s okay, you’re going to be okay. it’s just me baby, it’s just me,” you cooed as you wrapped your arms around him. “shhh, it’s just me. you’re okay.”

mirio’s hands trembled as he gripped tight onto you

his chest was getting tighter as he burst into struggled breaths. he was just so... tired.

a million thoughts zipped through his head at once, but he just had to calm the storm for a while in your arms

TENYA IIDA 

it was right after the accident in hosu city, and everything, everything had gone wrong

even though he didn’t show it at first, he felt used as an advertisement for hatsume, and then losing in a battle with todoroki and felt like he was thriving on dumb luck

he just wanted to make his brother proud, that was-

-if he could, anymore. 

he felt so weak for letting himself feel this way, his head racing and chest heaving as he struggled to breathe

letting your guard down will just make things worse. tensei wouldn’t want this.

tenya’s body visibly trembled as he let out a shaky breath in his dorm room, thinking everything over in the darkness

“iida?” you asked, knocking on the door.

immediately, his demeanor changed as he shifted over to a braver face. 

“hello, y/n!”

just breathe. they’ll be gone sooner or later. breathe.

“why are you up this late at night?” he asked.

“i was just checking in on you, but i should be asking you the same question, sonic boy,” you grinned, until you noticed his hands trembling.

and for some reason, that hurt you. his face was.. so put together with a brave smile, confident eyes, and his head held up high and posture straight and firm

but when you saw his hands trembling and an odd shifting in his chest, you knew something was up

“are you okay?” you tested the words. 

tenya tried. he tried so, so hard to smile and affirm with a confident, “yes!”

but he couldn’t.

“i-i’m not- i’m not sure-,” his voice broke into a whisper. 

“i don’t know.”

you melted into a hug next to him as you took a seat. “hey, you can tell me anything, okay? it’s okay not to have your guard up all the time, it’s not weak to show emotion. just- if you want, can you tell me what’s been going on?”

tenya took a shaky breath and pushed up his glasses. “of course, thank you for asking, i will.”

KATSUKI BAKUGO

after his fight with deku, all of the willpower left in him to hold himself together disappeared 

katsuki had been exhausted after a long day of fighting, not just physically, but emotionally

he had tried to keep his head high for as long as he could, but the moment he went to his dorm room, he just... broke.

angry tears released and he choked out heavy, strangled sobs as he pounded his fist to the ground in frustration

katsuki cursed towards whoever was there, until he found you standing behind him

he was too tired to argue.

“the fuck are you doing here,” he grumbled.

“is something wrong, 'suki?” you whispered. “i was just coming by to drop off your water bottle, you left it during hero training,” you examined his face. “are you- are you okay?”

he loved you, he really did-- but today just wasn’t a good day. “mn-no,” he managed to say.

his chest was heaving and his eyes seemed to be searching the room, as if looking for an exit.

you noticed the dark circles around his eyes and the way his lips trembled. had he been crying?

you slowly cupped his face in your hands, noses touching as you two shared breaths, inhaling and exhaling together

katsuki was too tired to pull away. 

he felt so weak.

you could hear katsuki’s breath shaking but slowly dying in volume as he held him tighter

“hey,” you said softly, brushing your thumb across his cheek. “you’re gonna be okay ‘suki. you’re gonna be okay.”

they’re pitying me.

“this?” you said, holding his bruised hand up and motioning towards his trembling figure. “this isn’t weak.” you said, as if reading his mind. “this is strong. this is brave. being emotionally vulnerable is one of the most courageous things anyone can ever do, and you are so much more than that, m’kay?”

he nodded in response. even though he didn’t express it that well, he thought of it 

WHEN YOU PROMISE TO STAY: TOMURA SHIGARAKI, HAWKS, DABI

DABI

everyone shut up i love him

all that he’s ever wanted and asked for in life was for someone to notice him for who he genuinely was, to be free to do whatever he pleased

it was late at night and you two were outside, the moon illuminating in the darkness as you slid against the wall of the city in the back of the building

“anything interesting happen?” you asked, staring up into the moon

the night was young and it had been a rough, terrible day at work for both of you, even though you had separate jobs and shfits-- the only thing that pushed you forward everyday was being able to meet with dabi right after, at exatly 11pm. 

sure, you did it every day, and it shouldn’t have been that impactful-- but for some reason, somehow, everything about talking to him was so... exhilerating. 

he didn’t reply.

“uhhm,” you shuffled nervously toward him. “dabi, you good?”

he let out a shaky exhale, which was odd.

hold the phone.

no, really, someone hold the phone because it was ringing

“oh, sorry, one sec,” you rushed, hurrying to answer. it was one of your co-workers. “hello!”

“uhuh. yeah. oh, cool... got it, mhm, be right ther-”

you noticed how dabi’s body language immediately changed as he turned around and crossed his arms gently over his chest and stared into the sky.

this really, really wasn’t like him. 

something had to be wrong.

“uhm, on second thought,” you said. “does tomorrow at... noon work for you? i have plans. yeah. mhm, sorry not tonight. yep, bye!”

dabi’s eyebrows furrowed, but he didn’t look at you. “who was that?”

“one of my coworker buddies or whatever. they wanted to have a drink with me, but i said no.”

“why’d you say no?” he deadpanned.

“uhhhm, well, you certainly don’t seem very... how should i say this, at your fullest?”

“but why?” dabi said. “you meet with me every day, and going with your friends is probably a lot easier than this. what’s so different about it..?”

you thought carefully as you shrugged casually, gently leaning your head against his shoulder. “if one of my closest pals were down, i couldn’t just... leave them like that. and even though i know you won’t tell me what’s wrong, i just.. i just don’t want you to feel alone, you know? like everyone in your life has left? and i- i don’t want to do that to you.”

even though dabi stayed relatively quiet for the rest of the night, 

just know that was the day he fell in love with you.

SHIGARAKI

nightmares were the worst. 

for the record, he didn’t get them often, but when he did, and actually reacted to it... they ended up terrible

he gasped, grasping at the air for his mother’s embrace only to be met with nothingness

he clawed at his skin as his breath hitched, trying to control himself

“tomura?” you asked. “...are- are you okay?”

“get away from me,” he trembled. “i’m a... i’m a monster.”

you furrowed your eyebrows in concern. “hey, hey, c’mon. what’s going on-”

“leave me alone.”

his sudden change in tone made you jump as you stepped back and you watched his figure tremble. 

“shigaraki.”

“if something’s wrong, don’t sugarcoat it. if something’s wrong, please, for the love of the world, tell me, okay? i just- i just want to see you... maybe..”

“what?” shigaraki deadpanned. “happy? satisfied? content? joyful? you people all want the same thing.”

“hopeful.”

shigaraki looked up. 

“i want to see you hopeful, m’kay? so just... please. you don’t need to tell me word-for-word, but-- if you need something, i’m here.”

he was not going to cry. nuhuh. no way. no way was he going to start crying. 

you wrapped your arms around him before he cautiously hugged back, letting himself slowly melt into your embrace, his satin gloves against your clothes

“hey. i promise you, i’m never going to be leaving. no matter how much you mess up, no matter how terrible you may feel-- you mean the world to me. please hold on just a little longer.”

HAWKS

it wasn’t supposed to happen until later, when he was actually able to get home and prepare himself for anxious feeling in his stomach to finally settle

but noooo, his mental state really just said yolo

so here he was, reliving his entire childhood with memories that he’d pushed down for so long, about to snap in a matter of seconds

“keigo~!”

your familiar voice rang through his head. 

he just wanted to be held by you.

the most beautiful part about being with hawks his that he genuinely didn’t care about his pride around you. he wasn’t insecure of what you thought of him. he didn’t freak out or try to act like he was fine when you were with him, because... why would he need to? 

so instead of putting on a brave face and getting scared of your voice as if being anxious was a crime, he melted into it.

“hey angel, i got you some food at the-”

“y/...y/n,” his breath hitched. your voice, that you often said you were insecure about-- was his safe haven. he felt safe when he heard your voice and let himself crumple. he didn’t have to worry about putting his walls up, because it was just you.

beautiful, loving, kind you. 

his love was something special that he gave to no one else.

“k-keigo!” 

even though you were far from him, your bags in hand and everything, you immediately dropped them and ran to your boyfriend

“hey, hey, baby, what’s going on?” 

he stood directly in front of you, his head down and not saying a word.

you let your breathing sync with his as you reached out to hold his hand, when he threw his arms around you before his trembling body was held in your embrace

“-hey,” you said, shocked by the sudden embrace, before you hugged back, slowly, rocking him back and forth. “you’re going to be okay.”

“you don’t have to tell me anything, just-- focus on me,”

“i’m never leaving you, okay? no matter what you do, you’re still going to be my hero.”

and hawks decided on that day that out of anything else in the world, you meant the most to him. 

WHEN YOU TELL THEM THAT THEY MATTER: TAMAKI AMAJIKI, MASHIRAO OJIRO, SHOTA AIZAWA

TAMAKI AMAJIKI

useless. useless. useless.

why wouldn’t his stupid quirk activate before? why couldn’t he be more optimistic? why was he always thinking about something else? why couldn’t he ever stay positive and cheery like everyone else?

how was everyone else so strong?

but laying in a hospital bed, in complete silence and vulnerability...

that scared him.

tamaki blinked back the sudden tears that prickled against his eyes-- nuhuh, no way was he about to cry when so many other people had it worse, no way he was going to break down when nighteye was dead, he was not about to cry if mirio could be strong and so many other people had it worse, and-

“tamaki, snap out if it!”

your cold hands cupped his face, as you stared him directly in the eyes. “what are you doing?”

tamaki jumped back at your sudden question. but for some reason, the way you said it wasn’t angrily, more like... a statement? a question? as if you were asking are you okay?

tamaki shook his head. “i don’t... i don’t kn-know..”

get away, get away, get away.

your hands brushed back a hair from his face as you crouched down in front of him, your hands still helping him cool down. they rested gently on his scalp and along his face as you felt his breathing grow uneasy.

“listen,” you began slowly. “i’m not saying you need to tell me what’s going on, but... i just- i have a feeling that you’re not doing okay. and i know that because no one was ever really there for me back then, so if you want to say anything--”

“--i’m here for you.”

tamaki crumpled then as he let the tears fall.

his entire mask shattered as his breath hitched, trying to hold back the sobs but only came out as strangled breaths. 

“hey, hey, hey, you’re okay, you’re okay.” 

you held up his chin and rocked him back and forth, slowly. “just because other people seem to be going through bigger things doesn’t mean that you should invalidate your problems. if something’s hurting you, that’s enough of a problem to take care of it.”

tamaki began to shake as he suddenly clutched onto you, his body trembling as he nodded. 

what would mirio, nejire, nighteye, fatgum-- what would they think of him now?

“whatever is going around in your head right now will all quiet soon, i promise you, ‘mkay?”

“it’s okay. it’s okay. you’re okay.” 

AIZAWA SHOTA

“you didn’t eat,” you said, staring at the takeout that was left in its packaging. 

you heard shota mumble under his sleeping bag. “i’ll eat after.”

“after what?” you said back from the kitchen. 

you weren’t exactly mad at him, you could say-- it was more of disappointment, maybe? concern? he had always been so concerned about his students that he forgot to take care of himself-- no wonder why he was so angry lately. 

(and no, it wasn’t his resting face, he was genuinely burnt-out the last couple of days and it wasn’t getting better.)

“shota, come on,” you said softly. “or else i’m taking your sleeping bag away from you.”

aizawa’s head emerged from the bag, the light from the laptop giving a lovely display of his eyebags. “oh?”

he smirked, even though he seemed so drained.

“yes,” you said, pointing your nose up in the air and crossing your arms. “and you better go eat before i take it away.”

aizawa raised an eyebrow, but obliged.

you watched him eat, but he kept his laptop on the table the whole time.

he was looking through the profiles of all his students, and that was-- insane

despite how much had happened to him, he always thought of someone else first, putting everyone else above him.

“you’re going to overwork yourself,” you finally said. 

“amazing,” aizawa sighed back. “had no clue.”

“oh, c’mon,” you egged. “you matter too, ya know.”

you noticed how tense his shoulders were, how his gaze was fixated to the screen and the way his veins were protruding from lack of sleep, and how red his eyes were.

sure, most of the time, this was normal-- but you just had this gut feeling that something was wrong.

“i suppose you’re not wrong,” aizawa ventured. “but sometimes, you realize that students make up most of the world. i want them to grow..”

his gaze on the screen broke.

“and for them to know a world of love and kindess, not-- whatever this is.”

you looked at him before wrapping your arms around him and kissing his forehead. “but they have a teacher who works so hard already, and you-- you deserve a break. you’re always working so hard, and you have to remember that you matter, too, okay?”

you smiled sadly. “i need to go to work, but please finish the takeout for me, hmm?”

he never told you this, of course-- but yeah, he thought of your voice every time he wanted to take a break. he never forgot the words you said. 

MASHIRAO OJIRO

being forgotten was something that came way too easily for him.

everyone in class 1a was so good at everything-- they all either had good looks, a nice voice, talents, a cool quirk, technique, charisma, and he?

ojiro felt like he didn’t have anything.

but what did it matter, right? being the forgotten one was fine to him, at least. he was able to take time for himself. 

...kind of.

he was heading back from ua into the dorms, walking alone when he realized it started to rain.

picking up his bags, he ran, putting them under his shoulders so that they didn’t get wet-- it wasn’t a long walk, but it was a lot to have to run back and make sure everything stayed dry

“wait!”

ojiro turned around to find you, carrying your backpack in the air and waving your arms. “slow-” you panted, “down! god, where’d all the rain come from??”

he chuckled slightly, until he noticed your bag getting soaked, and before he knew it, ojiro called you over and said he could carry your bag

“are you sure?” you asked, in-between breaths. “i doubt you can carry both-”

ojiro laughed and waved his tail like a hand. “i can carry it.”

your face lit up. “thanks! okay, now let’s run back, c’mon.”

you two ran as fast as you could, trying not to slip as the rain began to pour even harder against your backs. 

but when you opened the doors to the dorms and your bag was completely dry, ojiro smiled.

(also y’all he’s an underrated king DO Y’ALL KNOW HOW PRECIOUS HIS SMILE IS?? PLS-)

“thanks,” you grinned. “your quirk is actually really cool. not just for keeping stuff dry, but uh, thanks. i appreciate it.”

something inside of him made his heart swell. 

“really?” ojiro asked. “do you really- is that true?”

he didn’t want to get his hopes up too quickly, but the way you nodded proudly and affirmed it was something he could never forget.

“yeah!” you said. “just because you’re not flashy as other people doesn’t mean that you’re a plain, boring person, you know that? you’re actually really cool!”

“huh. thanks,” he noted-- and don’t worry, he walked back into his dorm room with a grin on his face the whole time.

🕭 reblog | comment | like 🕭

hey bbys! reminder to go take a break and drink some water if you’re reading this! y’all are so amazing and beautiful, and please remember that you’re valid as well. what you did today was more than enough, please remember that!! i’m very proud of you for getting through today. ily <3

qotd, what song reminds you of a fictional character 👀

join my family! 

list of family members: @kirishimuhhhhh​, @xuxisushi-1​, @kirishima-my-beloved​, @msminsuga​, @farfetchedparanoia​, @satis-mangata​, @moonhere​, @renegadedeca​, @viridevi​​, @cherriiirose​​ <3

☂ requests are open for mha + hq!! ☂

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 328: Pandora’s Box of Discourse

Previously on BnHA: DEKU TOOK A BATH.

Today on BnHA: 

Also Naomasa grew a beard. Goddamn. 

please let this be a cool chapter that plays nice with my ADHD lol

(ETA: lol I feel guilty because a lot of people hated this chapter, but I’m just happy there was a lot of stuff to make fun of, and also that I have another week to work on my backlog of meta posts since the kids were MIA.)

around one month ago?? ah, okay, so we’re gonna find out what was in that Tartarus security file huh

I love that they just randomly set the place on fire

was it necessary to do this in order to escape? no. was it a good idea to set the island they were occupying on fire while they were in the midst of still occupying it? uh. was it cinematic as fuck? fuck yeah

wow it’s a pervert!!

that’s so great that the villains set loose this fine fellow who I’m sure is definitely not a serial rapist. truly the LoV is so noble and misunderstood. they’re just trying to free society from its chains people

oh my god??!

SHANKED!!! oh my god I cheered for Stain before I realized what I was doing. time to have an identity crisis I guess

so he’s all “hey what’s going on.” which, while a respectable question, is something I personally would have waited to ask until I had put a bit of distance between myself and the fiery murder island. but that’s just my personal preference

Stain you really are tenacious I’ll give you that

“what’s the point of escaping prison if you’re not gonna be smart about it” well shit. anyways yeah you’re dead right, society is in the process of collapsing and the outside world is in total chaos, good call there

oh shit

I mean it’s not like we really expecting anything otherwise, but still. fucking brutal. I feel like these guys’ fates were decided the minute that one guy called AFO “scum” back in chapter 94. AFO is unmatched at getting long-term revenge

??

ahh, was it the security footage??

fdsdfk he’s still alive??

and he’s immediately launching into an inappropriately theatrical monologue even as the darkness closes in on him fdlfksjdlk. you know, was it ever confirmed that the other guy back in chapter 297 was Seiji’s dad? I’m just saying

very impressed that he’s still coherent enough to weigh the pros and cons before making the decision to gamble on giving this info to Stain, who at the very least has his own moral code and isn’t allied with AFO. it was definitely still a risk, but as we now know it was also the right call

what a weird alliance. so Stain tells him that he’ll give it to a just person, and the guy is all,

okay for real though I’m gonna need someone to run a DNA test on this guy. maybe it was some kind of cuckold situation?? the other guy had the family resemblance, but this guy absolutely 100% raised Shishikura Seiji and you are not going to convince me otherwise

anyway, so Stain is all,

PRISON GUARD: “???? ??????? what the hell. what the fuck does that fucking mean. I’m dying here, jesus christ, whatever man fuck you”

(ETA: I kind of feel like this might have been Stain’s last appearance in the manga, given all the fanfare. there’s not really much else he can do for the story at this point, and he seems to have gotten all the character development Horikoshi was planning on giving him. so if this really is it, hasta la vista and good riddance I guess.)

DWLFDKSLDK MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE

(ETA: I feel like this is meant to be evocative of that Sermon on the Mount painting, but in a really fucked up way lol.)

if it were me stumbling upon this scene I would just shake my head and walk right back into the flaming building. not getting involved in that mess. sorry not sorry. I’ll take my chances with the fire, especially given that it’s half-assed neutered BnHA fire lol

blah blah blah and so he decided to pass the info on to All Might -- HOT DAMN, HOLY SHIT

NAOMASA HOLY SHIT. THE APOCALYPSE LOOKS GOOD ON YOU, BOY

“I really like that facial scruff thing Aizawa’s got going on, I think I’m gonna get in on that” yes sir. “also thinking of ditching the tie in favor of the bulletproof vest look. also thinking of getting totally fucking jacked.” good lord. except I’m pretty sure that’s just body armor, but also I don’t care. anyway I should probably stop staring and actually read the fucking speech bubbles here lol

“All Might first handed this information over to Nao, and then went to see Deku, and then came back to Nao” thanks for that tidy little summary Horikoshi. we are capable of piecing events together in sequential order, I just want you to know that. but thank you

“so has Deku finally gotten a bath? also, sucks that Stain saved the day, but what are you gonna do” Nao I missed you so fucking much and didn’t even realize. how am I just now realizing that you are the perfect man

for a second I was gonna ask why Tartarus’s security systems would be cut off from the outside world, and then I remembered that’s a basic security control, and then I actually got impressed by how sensible that is. like, it’s been a while since I could genuinely say that the good guys (excluding class 1-A) did something smart. not that it helped them much in the end, but still

anyway so they’re talking about how AFO was able to coordinate the attack by communicating between his horcrux self on the outside and his ugly peanut-faced self on the inside

huh

okay you have my attention. I am taking notes here lol please continue

ah okay so he says that prior to Jakku, the transfer of information between him and his Vestige self was only one-way. but post-Jakku when Deku was in the hospital, he was able to tell what was happening inside the OFA Radical Lisa Frank Dead People Book Club Realm when he touched him. I feel like we established that before, actually. but he didn’t talk about how it actually felt, though

boy we already know this lol. yes AFO can talk with his horcrux self. and he can also communicate with his little bro in OFA too, let’s talk about that sometime why don’t we. what exactly does that imply, based on the rules we’ve established here

my god I cannot get over Naomasa and his fucking facial hair

no wonder All Might was in such a hurry to leave Deku and get back here

like I have no idea what this radio waves nonsense is but my god, people

that jawline. also so it’s a quirk, I see. except last I checked Deku didn’t have a radio waves quirk, so that doesn’t really explain his connection to AFO. but whatever, hopefully we’re at least getting closer to some kind of reveal here

(ETA: since I sometimes forget that other people’s lives don’t revolve around my theory posts, here are the two relevant links if you by chance want to know my thoughts about this.

Hagakure is still The U.A. Traitor™ regardless of whether Deku is passing information on to AFO through his psychic link, which he almost certainly is.

speaking of said psychic link, Deku is a horcrux.

just posting these now, because whenever trippy OFA stuff happens I tend to get an influx of theory asks. so hopefully this will be a bit of a time saver lol.)

-- wait, what

THAT’S what the recording was??!? holy SHIT. I genuinely was not expecting that. y’all wiretapped his fucking telepathy. fucking quirks, man. wild

AND THEY USED THAT POWER TO DETERMINE WHAT WE ALREADY KNEW, HUZZAH. GOOD SHOW

-- oh shit wait lol, except I forgot we’re not talking about 38 days from the present, we’re talking about 38 days from the date the conversation was recorded. heh. um

yeah that’s the face I would make too if All Fucking Might just casually told me we had eight days left until the end times

oh, pardon me. three fucking days

r.i.p. anyone who thought we were going to have another band arc sob. I sure hope Deku is enjoying that nap

(ETA: I realize people were hoping for a longer rest period here, but given that the man warned us all the way back in chapter 306 that we were entering the final act, you can’t really blame him too much when that turns out to be true. anyway but I do recognize that we’ve reached the point in the story where this kind of discourse is going to become a weekly occurrence, simply because there’s no possible way for Horikoshi’s actual endgame to line up perfectly with the variable headcanons of millions of fans, all of whom have wildly differing and in many cases contradictory expectations which can’t possibly all be fulfilled. anyway, so I’m already bracing myself for that lol. this coming year is going to be a wild ride.)

damn, U.A. out here looking like the motherfucking United Nations

-- is this U.A.?? I actually just realized, U.A. is four interconnected buildings, not two. wait holy shit is this Shiketsu?

wait holy SHIT

based on the overwhelmingly powerful vibes of bureaucratic incompetence, I’m thinking this really is the (future) U.N., or whatever organization it is that deals with international hero stuff

“just let them handle it themselves I’m sure they’ll be fine” yeah okay, thanks guys. appreciate it

wait oh shit did he say that it’s not just Japan?

soooo, what you’re telling me is that AFO is this close to bringing about the end of not just Japan, but the entire world, and you guys don’t think it’s a good idea to help the Japanese heroes stop him? so, genuine follow-up question: are you guys already planning your rich people exodus into space a la Wall-E, and that’s why you don’t give a fuck?? like, what??

omg international heroes

these guys are from World Hoodie Mission, right? is this Horikoshi’s way of reminding me to buy tickets

(ETA: and it worked too lol.)

WHO??? WHAT???

don’t tell me you’re introducing yet another badass new female character for me to fall in love with only to watch as you dismember them and/or blow them up, Horikoshi. I’m getting tired of playing this game my dude. don’t lie and tell me this time will be different. we’re not doing this again goddammit

noooooooooooooooooooo

god fucking dammit lmao. [sighs and rips the previous paragraph into shreds]

on behalf of Americans I apologize for our superheroes always being Like This

I also apologize because I love her already and I’m gonna be shameless about it. so fucking shameless you guys

is her fucking hair red white and blue. it is, isn’t it

this is the volume cliffhanger, 100% lol. it will take every ounce of Horikoshi’s willpower not to put her on the volume cover. he’ll have to settle for the spine or the inner cover this time because Deku VS his class 1-a superpals takes precedence. but it will be a close thing let me tell you

tbh it’s that smile that does it for me. she’s definitely All Might’s protege. get out there and show them how it’s done girl. and maybe call Salaam and BRD and see if you can’t convince them to play hooky from their governments as well. why not. world’s ending in three days you guys. “sorry, I’m busy this weekend” ain’t gonna cut it lol

so while I am not fully caught up with Vigilantes, I have read far enough to know that there’s an American hero named Captain Celebrity whose superpower from what I recall is being a humongous douchebag. and while I haven’t read far enough to know what happens to this guy, I can’t say I’m very disappointed to learn that he’s no longer the number one hero in the U.S. (actually, didn’t they kick him out and that’s why he moved to Japan to begin with?). anyway, so my thanks to Horikoshi for having a marginally higher opinion of Americans than Furuhashi, even though we have definitely not done anything to warrant said opinion lately, and you may have inadvertently opened the door to a pandora’s box of discourse lmao

(ETA: lol I went into the tags and they don’t disappoint. “why is she dressed like a flag” because she’s an homage to Captain America and Major Victory and literally every other character on this list. again, I apologize for fictional American superheroes being Like This. “oh boy another thicc waifu to make the fanboys happy” look, tumblr fandom never seems to have a problem thirsting over Dabi or Tomura or Aizawa or Nao, lol, I’m just saying. “where is Captain Celebrity” idk, probably murdered by the exploding bee cartel, let’s just be grateful for our good fortune and try not to Beetlejuice the man.)

anyway, so let’s see if Horikoshi’s recent character development with regards to making Mineta not terrible anymore will apply to other aspects of his writing as well. I know I was making light of discourse just now, but I do think the complaints about him introducing yet another new character at the 11th hour to be cannon fodder in the final battle are absolutely valid. and again, it wouldn’t be a problem if he didn’t keep maiming/killing off his female characters one by one instead of developing them and letting them kick ass long-term. but that said, I will never complain about Horikoshi adding another female character to the series, regardless of how clumsy the attempt may be. go ahead and pander away, just give us more girl power lol

anyway so we’ll see how it goes, but I think I’m gonna be optimistic and let myself hope once again, even though I’m probably gonna regret it lol. it is what it is. she is standing on an airplane just chilling for fuck’s sake. I’m only human. anyway fingers crossed

[jeongvision]

make a wish

synopsis. jaehyun loves you very much; so much that he came over to your place at midnight to wish you a happy birthday. meanwhile, you also love jaehyun very much; so much that you think that he deserves a very special present from you even on your birthday.

pairing. boyfriend! jeong jaehyun ✗ fem! reader

genre. smut, fluff if you squint a little, established relationship au

word count. 2.9k

warnings. cursing, sexual themes (marking, fingering, choking, grinding, dirty talking, degradation, cum play, power play), some religious analogies

author’s note. make a wish english ver. is making me feel some type of way and jaehyun looking expensive in the mv is not helping me so i had to let it out somehow, so enjoy this thirsty work of art lmao

Today is your birthday, and all Jaehyun planned was to come over to your apartment at midnight with cake and sing you a happy birthday. After that, he’s all yours for the day. You’re free to do whatever you want, whenever you want with him for 24 hours. He was thinking maybe all you wanted to do is just stay in and cuddle while binge watching some netflix shows. Maybe order takeout if you’re feeling a little lazy to cook, and perhaps a few makeout sessions together here and there if you were feeling it. He could tell from your voice how exhausted you were from your work schedule based on the past couple phone calls.

What he did not expect however, is for you to be straddling his hips as you mark his neck up with purples and blues right after you blew out the candles.

And neither did you.

But that’s what makes it all fun, right?

You arrived at your apartment earlier close to 11 at night. work was tiring today. You work as a full-time cashier at a huge department store down the street. It was decent pay, enough to pay for your expenses and live life a little. You didn’t mind how demanding it could be sometimes, how customers can go from being exceptionally patient with your work to customers being absurdly rude to you for just breathing.

However, some of your coworkers called out for a week due to ‘personal reasons’, whatever that may be. Because of that, your manager has been scheduling everyone to work more to make up for all the missing shifts, including you.

You honestly didn’t mind it.

The only time you do is when it doesn’t allow you enough time to regenerate your social battery that you’ve been draining every night for the past two weeks. And every night before your shift ends, without fail, you always think to yourself how much you can’t wait to go home, take a nice, warm bath, and drift off to sleep, only for you to repeat the cycle again the next day. Oh, and maybe call up your boyfriend, if he was still awake, and talk about each other’s day for a bit.

But today is a little different— you finally get a day off to yourself.

You did your nightly after-work ritual: dinner, shower, bath, doze off a little, rinse, dry up, all that good stuff. But once you got dressed and finished blow-drying your hair, your doorbell rang exactly at midnight. You weren’t expecting any visitors this late, so it was reasonable that you were suspicious.

Who the hell? You were on high alert when you walked over to your front door, a wooden baseball in hand. When you went to take a look through the peephole, there was nothing but confusion all over your face. Why is Jaehyun here? As you pondered on, you noticed he held a beige box in both of his hands. As you peered closer you caught glimpse of the familiar label on its right side: it was from none other than your favorite bakery shop.

And that’s when it hit you.

It’s midnight.

You boyfriend is standing right outside your door, holding a box from your favorite bakery shop.

It’s your freaking birthday today.

You didn’t expect Jaehyun to be at your doorstep with a box of cake in his hands. In fact, you didn’t expect to see him at all on your birthday. You remembered him mentioning he had to work on your birthday. He felt bad that he couldn’t spend time with you. There’s always another day, love, you said to him.

And here you two are in the present: the candles have already been lit, birthday song have been sang, and the tiny smoke from the candles wafts through the air after you blew them out. Jaehyun told you that he called off work to spend the day with you and you were free to do whatever you wanted to do with him. You initially thought that spending the whole day inside lazing around would be the most perfect idea ever after all those strenuous hours at work.

But you had another idea in mind, an idea that stayed in the back of your mind after he sent you a scandalous text last week, stating all the things he wanted to do with you behind closed doors, away from public’s view. Of course he had to conveniently send it during your work shift and your nosy coworker just happened to peer over your shoulder reading the contents. It was all pure jest, my love, he said to you.

A joke it may be, but there’s no harm in making them come true, right?

Your arms are circled around his neck, legs stationed on either side of his legs with your ass planted firmly on his lap. You’re both sat on your living room couch, bodies pressed against each other with the cake long forgotten on your coffee table behind you. His hands are tucked underneath your shirt, caressing your soft skin.

As you continue to nip all over his neck, marking him up, he maneuvers his hands down to your rear, giving them a light squeeze. You sigh at his touch.

“Baby girl,” he grunts, “just what do you think you’re doing?”

You nip at a particular spot on his neck and he groans out loud. God, just the sound of him is enough for you to wet your panties. After licking down on his skin, you pull away from his neck and look down at your creation— there are blue and purple galaxies all over his throat, his lips are red and had a little swell to them from your sloppy makeout session earlier, and the eyes he looks at you with are filled with nothing but carnal lust for you.

You can’t help but feel pride burst in your chest because you did that. You made him, Jung Jaehyun, your boyfriend, look like that.

You gave him a lopsided grin, and he thinks to himself how he can’t wait to wreck you apart inside and out. “What does it look like I’m doing?” you cooed. You can feel his clothed erection poke at your thigh, pulsating underneath, so you grind on it teasingly, watching as his eyes roll back with his mouth open. “I’m just doing what my boyfriend wished for me to do through our text messages the other day. I wanted to show how appreciative I am that he came over and wished me a happy birthday.”

You face moves closer to his, your lips a breath away from his own. You lower your voice down to a whisper, “Is that wrong for me to do?”

He releases a throaty groan. You can feel him bucking up to gain some friction on his dick but you lifted your hips up a little from his lap. “Fuck,” he grunts.

You giggle softly at his reaction. You were never the one to take charge in bed. Jaehyun was always the one to initiate something and follow through with it. You didn’t mind it. In fact, you loved it. but the power you felt over him now was But you feel drunk on the feeling; you savored it, you felt intoxicated, and you wanted more.

Fuck it, screw those text messages. Let’s change it up a little, shall we? How about you take charge for the night?

But little did you know, that is exactly the opposite of what he was going to give you. It may be your birthday, but there’s no way in hell that you’re going to top tonight. You already mentioned those text messages he forgot about, and there’s no way he’s going to make you turn your words back on it.

Before you could even register anything, his right hand that was planted on your ass moves to your front where he cupped your clothed sex. You gasp, eyes blown out, hands now gripping onto his shoulders.

“O-oh!” you mewl.

And so, the reins have been handed over to him. As it should, he thinks. He smirks a little. His fingers rubs against your core at an agonizingly slow pace just to tease you a bit. He could feel the heat radiating off your body and wanted nothing more than to bask in it.

Just as he was about to move his hand away, you grab his wrist to hold it in place.

“Mm.. more..” you quiver.

He clicks his tongue. “Dirty little whore.”

After feeling how your thin shorts were starting to get drenched, he pulls his hand away from your grasp and shoves them inside your panties. Immediately, he can feel you dripping, his fingers and palm collecting all of your essence. His fingers deftly circle your clit before gliding them back and forth on your soaked folds.

Your mind is in a spiral.

“Holy fuck!” And holy, his fingers are, especially when he inserts two fingers inside your pussy. “O-oh my god, Jaehyun-n!”

He sadistically thrusts in and out of your entrance, his thumb stimulating your nub, your moans getting more fervent. “Acting all spoiled just because I’m letting you do whatever you want with me for your birthday. Just who do you think you are? Should I remind you who’s the one in charge here?” he growls.

You whimper at his words, shamelessly grinding yourself onto his hand as his other wraps snugly around the back of your neck.

He grins, face dangerously close to you now. “Now look at you, all fucked out from only my fingers. This pussy just can’t wait for me to fuck you nice and deep, huh? Is that what you want?”

You didn’t answer him, your mind too preoccupied from the bliss his fingers are giving to you. The sweat forming on your skin created a glistening sheen on your exposed collarbone, and all he wants to do is to just ravage it.

And he just might.

His hand wrapped around your neck tightens a little, sending more pleasure through your body and core.

“Answer me, slut.”

You cry out a little, “Y-yes.”

“Yes, what?”

You fail to swallow back your moans. “I-I want you to.. fuck me nice and- oh!”

His fingers hit that delicious spot inside you, your body jerking in response.

“Fuck you nice and what?”

Your sighs come out shakily, “Nice a-and.. deep, with your c-cock- oh my god!”

“God can’t save you now, fucking slut.”

He feels you tightening around his fingers, sending him to fasten his pace. Your grip on his shoulder intensifies, enough to painfully indent his skin. After a few more thrusts from his fingers, a coil inside you snaps, stars blurring your vision as a shockwave overtakes you. You did nothing to suppress your screams as your juices flowed out your core. His fingers continue to thrust in and out of you throughout your orgasm but finally stops as he sees you start to calm down.

Your breathing is erratic, trying to catch up after that earth-shattering orgasm you just experienced. After he feels you relax in his embrace, he lets go of your neck and rests it on your waist. He pulls his fingers out of your pussy and you shuddered at the loss of contact. Your cum slowly drips out of you onto your panties and shorts, some of it gliding onto your thighs where he can visibly see it.

God, does he want to have a taste. You’re definitely going to need some new shorts and undies now. With your half-opened eyes in a complete daze and your breathing evened out, he brings his fingers to your lips, staring dauntingly at your orbs.

“Suck.”

And you obliged. He pushes his fingers past your mouth and you suck on his fingers, tasting yourself. Your tongue swirls around his digits, all while maintaining eye contact with him.

He gravely groans at the sight. “So naughty..” He pulls his fingers away and takes hold of your chin, ravenously capturing your lips with his own, tasting a little bit of you in the process. Your tongue glides past his as he dominates your mouth whole. Your arms wrap around his neck once more, pulling him closer to your soul. His lips are always soft, and yet he kisses you as if he wants to devour you up until your knees buckled.

He breaks away from the kiss, a string of saliva connecting the two of you, and he maneuvers his way down to your throat.

Now it was his turn to paint your neck pretty.

“So fucking naughty for me,” he moans. As he assaults your neck, you rack your nails through his hair, gently pulling on its ends. You could feel him sigh onto your neck as a result of it. He honestly loves it when you pull onto his hair, almost a little too much.

After he was satisfied with his artwork, he looks back up to you and delicately pecks your lips. The corner of his mouth lifts, his dimples now on full display. “Happy birthday, baby.”

You tiredly giggle at the complete change in his demeanor. You were so in love with this man, and you would do anything to make him happy.

“Thank you, my love.”

He grins at you. And he was so in love with you, he would do anything to keep you happy.

He kisses you once again, this time with much more passion and purpose. He held onto your waist as you held onto his neck, enjoying each other’s presence. Afterr staying in each other’s embrace for some time, foreheads touching, a thought popped in Jaehyun’s head.

“You know, you never told me what you wished for.”

Oh, but what is there to wish for when your present is right in front of you?

You shrug your shoulders, “It’s nothing really.”

He tsks out loud, “Baby, we both know that’s a lie.” He moves away from you and leans forward to the side of your face. And all of the sudden, you feel him nibbling your earlobe, kitten licks in between.

You bite down on your lip, struggling to keep your composure together. Surely, you were still recovering from your last orgasm— the attention he was giving to you got you feeling aroused for him again.

He snickers gravely.

Oh how fucking sinful the sound of that is.

“Come on, baby girl. Just tell me. Maybe I can make your wish come true.”

The moan you just released was lecherous to him.

“Answer me, then you shall receive.”

The devil works hard, but Jaehyun works harder.

You quiver at his command. No matter how many times you were intimate with each other, you could never get used to all the dirty talk. Jaehyun was always clear-cut about his wants and needs, but you never were. Mot until you’re pushed on the spot like now.

You swallow down your embarrassment and meekly respond. “I-I.... suck you..”

He stops his teasing and backs up to look at you. “Hm? What was that?” His smirk returns. “I didn’t quite catch that. Speak up, baby. Use your words.”

You refuse to answer, but he pays no mind. You’ll eventually cave in, you always do.

“Baby, I’m waiting.”

You close your eyes and let out a sigh. “I didn’t wish for anything.”

“And why is that?”

You eyes opened up but you look away from his gaze, humiliation all over. Hou stammer over your words, “B-Because.. you’re my birthday wish.”

He lazily grins, bringing his left hand to cup your cheek. That’s when you decided to look up into his eyes. “And what do you wish to do with me?”

You gulp. “I want to.. suck you.”

“Suck where exactly?”

Fucking hell. He’s enjoying this way more than you are. Just who is getting their birthday present here? You groan out in a frustrated manner. To hell with this.

“Your cock. I want your cock in my mouth. O want your fucking dick in my mouth and I want you to use my mouth and fuck it like your own personal toy.” After realizing that you just said, you gasp and covered your mouth with both of your hands. You’re now embarrassed out of your mind, completely wanting the ground to just swallow you up.

You just said that to him, but Jaehyun found it quite adorable that you were capable of saying such things.

And so, he removes your hand from your face, grips on your wrist, and kisses you, a loud smooch throughout the room. After that, he places one of your hands onto his prominent bulge, painstakingly waiting for you attention this entire time. “Baby, you don’t have to say it twice.”

And you couldn’t have been quicker. You step off of him, assuming position with your knees on the floor. He hastily stands up from your couch and works on unzipping his jeans with your help. After pulling his dick out, your mouth waters. Veins aligned along its sides, red at the tip with precum leaking out.

He chuckles at you. “Aren’t you an eager little whore?”

Your eyes shoot up to his, eyes sinfully taking you in. “Just can’t wait to have my cock in your mouth, huh? Greedy little whore. zi bet all you want is my cum in your mouth.” He clicks his tongue.

With one hand on his member and the other holding onto the back of your head, you look down at his shaft. You feel him guiding your head towards him. With your mouth wide open, tongue splayed out for him, you could hear the grin in his voice.

“Happy birthday, baby girl. Now make a wish and blow.”

[babygirlpontius]

sooo for that jackass writing rq thing 💀💀💀 uhh well today i was feeling a bit meh bc like . overstimulation and stuff, do u think u could write abt how like . idk ANY of the guys would help or wtv (and if u dont wanna write abt that then i totes get it and ill send u another rq!!!)

(hi! i hope this is something like what you were looking for :) also i went ahead and wrote it for dunn bc idk it felt organic to me lmao)

helping with overstimulation (ryan dunn + gn!reader)

It's been a pretty loud day on set, which normally you're pretty fine with, but there's something about today - hours and hours of non-stop chaos, people in your face and a particular stunt which ended with you covered head-to-toe in mud - that's really just a step too far. So when Jeff finally calls cut at the end of the day, you're off to your trailer practically immediately for a long, hot shower and some much-needed rest.

Of course, rest isn't really much of an option in your line of work. You've barely been out of the shower for five minutes, changed into comfortable pajamas and reading a book in bed, before someone outside is hammering on the door to be let in.

You grimace, but push yourself out of bed all the same - you don't want to be rude.

It's Dunn, also freshly-showered, with a big grin on his face. "Hey, Y/N," he says. "We're all drinking a couple and hanging out by the fire-pit, if you wanna join us."

"I mean," you say, apologies ready on your tongue. "I'd love to, but - it's been a long day. I really need some alone-time, you know?"

Dunn holds up his hands like, no problem. "Totally understandable. Anything I can help with at all, or...?"

"That's really nice of you to ask." You shrug, not meeting his eyes. "I don't know. I'm just feeling over-stimulated, and if I went out there now I don't think I'd be any fun to be around."

"Ok." Dunn's brow furrows. "You're drinking water, right? You're not thirsty or anything?"

You nod. "I'm all good on the hydration front." Of course, your stomach chooses that moment to emit a very ill-timed grumble. "Maybe a little hungry, though. I finished all my snacks."

"Hey, I'll grab you something from my trailer," Dunn says. "If that would help, I mean."

"You don't have to do that - "

Dunn waves his hand. "It's nothing. Tell you what, I'll go make that snack run, and then if there's nothing else you might need afterward, I'll tell the guys you're feeling tired, make sure no one else bothers you. That sound good?"

You smile. "That's...That's really nice, Ryan. Thanks a lot, seriously."

"Don't mention it," he says, gives you a little two-fingered salute, and makes an about-face toward his own trailer. "Back in a flash."

You head back inside and pour yourself another glass of water, happy because even if you're a part of the rowdiest crew on MTV, they care about you like you're all one big family.

Which, you muse, you kind of are.

[sunnysunoo]

Love Letters ; Sim Jake

Pairing: Jake X Reader

warnings: explicit language and cursing

word count: 3k words

genre: friends to lovers au! fluff with tiny pieces of crack lmao

Jake was always known for being this perfect guy in school. I mean, they're not wrong. They always described him as if he's this walking piece of art in the hallways. People would stop to just stare at him. You'd stare at him all day too, but you set priorities first: writing him love letters.

You're no Lara Jean, but I guess you can say that she's what inspired you to write Jake letters. Who needs Peter Kavinsky when Jake Shim exists anyways?

note: Not me completely disappearing off of tumblr for like months and then showing up again suddenly lol. I got really busy the past few months since I was completing requirements for school, and I really didn't have the motivation to do anything at the time so I took so time off to take care of myself first so I hope you understand :) But now since it's summer break, I am given at least 2 more months until I go back to school in August :)) Here's the long-awaited Jake imagine that I completely forgot about lmao hope you enjoy <3

P.S I finished writing this at 1:26 am so please excuse the really shitty plot and grammar ill rewrite it once i wake up

tag list: @cha-raena ( sorry for the rlly late post bestie )

Dear Jake, First of all, I will never call you Jaeyun because calling you by your English name makes me feel like I'm your friend. Calling you by your Korean name makes us feel like we're cold strangers to one another and I don't want that. I want us to be something more than that, but it's hard when you don't even know who I am. I'm surprised how you don't grow tired of me just dropping letters right into your locker every time you open it, and that's one of the things I love about you. You don't just throw away people's efforts and you treasure them with care. It makes my heart beat so fast as if I ran miles away from here.

We're already one year left until we graduate high school, and I don't want to end my high school years without you realizing my feelings for you. I know for sure that you would never reciprocate the feelings that I have towards you, so I want to treat this as closure in case we do forget about each other in the future. Yours truly,

Moon

__

"How is this person not over you? That's like the tenth one this month," Jay said, looking over Jake as he reads the letter from his secret admirer. Jake has always been receiving these letters from the same person everyday for the past four months. He's thankful for the letters because they definitely make his day better, knowing that there's someone out there who loves him as who he is regardless of looks. He's not gonna lie that these little notes and letters make his heart race too. "Do you have any plans with finding the person behind the letters?" Jay asked as he watches his best friend trying to hide the small smile that's been growing. No one really knows who this mysterious person is and why they decided to name themselves the moon, but we don't judge anyone in here. If they want to be the moon in their next life, then so be it. "I really want to find the person who's making these letters," Jake shoved the letter in his backpack, trying to not wrinkle it. "But I don't know where to start." "Who's finding who?" A voice popped suddenly beside the presence of the two boys. You leaned beside the locker beside Jake's, watching him as he grabs his books from his locker. "Did Moon drop your daily letter today again?" "They did as usual," Jake wasn't even surprised. He would expect the letters every time he enters the school in the morning. He would open his locker to see the usual small letter placed inside his locker. He usually arrives at seven or earlier, but he's surprised that he could never even catch a glance of this anonymous sender around the campus. "Should I go to school at five in the morning?" "Five in the morning? Isn't that a bit too early?" You questioned, followed by a shaky breath. "The school doesn't even open until six." "I could just walk to that nearby convenience store I always pass by to grab a coffee." He argues, closing his locker shut before walking towards his classroom.

You and Jay followed beside him, and you sneered under your breath, "You don't even wake up to your alarm clock."

"Why don't you even want me to go early anyway?" He glances as you try to give him an answer. But before you could say something, Jay replies first.

"You’re probably hiding something." He said. You rolled your eyes and narrowed your eyes at him. "You are so weird." You grunted, before walking ahead of them. You feel panicked because you were scared that you made yourself obvious to them.

__

You were inside your classroom sitting on your desk. There were only fifteen minutes left before lunch, but you had eaten your packed meal before instead of going to your school cafeteria. You were fidgeting in your place, conflicted about Jake finding his secret admirer, not knowing that it was you who's been sending him letters the past few months. You're not scared of him finding out that the letters were from you; that was the entire reason why you wrote him letters in the first place. You're scared of how he was gonna confront you about it. Would he like you back? Would he hate you? Would he avoid you?

Your mind was full of scenarios but you were suddenly brought back to reality when a hand planted itself on your desk. You look up and saw Jay standing in front of you, eating sushi with his other hand. His face kinda looks like he knows something, and it's freaking you out a bit.

"What?" You asked, suddenly flustered over how his eyes stared right into you. He took the seat in front of your desk and flipped it so it was facing you. He sat down and blurted the phrase that you were dreading to hear from anyone.

"So, you like Jake?"

You suddenly feel like punching him in the face with his sushi.

"What??" Your body felt like, and you were left a nervous mess. Your heart like it was going to pump right out of your chest any minute, and your hands started to sweat.

Jay's mouth formed into a smirk. He caught you. "Jake may be a bit oblivious, but I can totally see right through you."

“Haha...no you don’t,” You tried to deny, but it was all useless when his expression looked unconvinced.

“Oh yeah? Then why are you all red? You look like a bursting tomato.”

“You don’t know that," You leaned further into your seat, playing with the strings of your hoodie.

“C’mon Y/N, you’re not even trying. Just give up and admit it,” Jay was trying to help you confess your feelings for Jake. Frankly, he knew it was you sending him letters this whole time—how can Jake not see it?

With a heavy sigh, you slumped and laid your head on your desk, embarrassed. “Fine. I like him, okay? Are you happy now?”

The smirk on his face grew wider, feeling proud of himself. You are not dealing with his annoying crap this early in the morning. He grinned and munched on his half-eaten sushi. “I knew it.”

“Congratulations,” It was muffled because you hid your red face away from him. All that was on your mind now was how you could book yourself a flight all the way across the world.

“But seriously, since when did you have a crush on him?” You raised your head to face him, giving him a look that could kill, except Jay finds it entertaining rather than intimidating.

“I started having a crush on him when we were in fifth grade. It was at a friend's birthday party, and he saw me being all quiet and lonely. Honestly, I forgot who’s birthday that was.” You told him the very first time you had discovered feelings.

“He saw how sad I looked so he accompanied me the whole time. He was even trying to feel more included in the games and stuff.” You felt a smile ghosting on your lips as you can still vividly remember how you felt your heart tug the first time. “It was kinda like I fell in love at first sight.”

Jay faked a gag, so you lightly punched him in the shoulder. He may be a bit of an asshole, but he’s one the most caring and kind people you’ve ever met. It honestly felt good spilling out your feelings about Jake to him.

Speaking of, Jake was watching you two play around and laugh at Jay's little jokes from outside, and he felt something burning from inside him. Was it that he felt jealous of you and Jay?

No, he can’t be...right?

Maybe it was because of how he felt separated from you and Jay because of him being a separate class.

Yeah, maybe it's because of that.

__

Dear Jake,

I just had the most bizarre day today, and I felt like telling you about it.

It was chemistry period, and we had to be partnered with someone for a lab project. I ended up getting paired with Yeojin. We kinda created this unexpected friendship, which I love. We would crack jokes at each other, tell funny stories, it was so fun to be with her that we had completely forgotten about our project. So now, we both got a detention slip for making an accidental explosion.

How about you? How was your day? I hope it was just as fun as mine. If you feel like the day just wasn't as happy or you're feeling down, just now that it's okay to feel that way because days like these just lasts for 24 hours. It will be all over before you know it and you'll be greeted by another day. Maybe it will be different, and you would be all happy again just like how my day went. Maybe being with you would be my happiest day yet, and I couldn't wait for that day to come. See you soon :)

Love,

Moon

__

"Yeojin!" Jake called, seeing her walk down the opposite way. "Hey, mind if I ask you something?"

"Hey Jake," She greeted him with a smile. "Sure, go ahead."

"Could you perhaps give me any information about your partner in Chemistry?" He had hopes of getting any kind of description about his mysterious sender, but he was instead given a sad frown on Yeojin's face.

"Sorry Jake, but that person told me not to tell you about their information." She gave an apologetic smile. "I wish you all the best in finding them!"

Jake muttered a small "okay," and sighed before walking away, feeling defeated.

Yeojin knew that he was gonna ask about Moon the moment he called her from across the hall. She couldn't wait to tell you about this.

__

"Hey Y/N," A voice said from behind. You turned around to see Jake with his backup hung on his shoulder. He brought his hand up and raked his hair, and you felt your face grow red. Jake is like a gift from the gods. How can someone look so ethereal even if they're just standing there? You could stare at him all day. You couldn't even understand a thing he said until he started waving his hands in front of you.

"Hello?" You blinked multiple times as you were brought back out to reality. You saw Jake's face grow into concern. "Are you okay? spaced out."

"O-oh..No, I'm completely fine." You reassured him, feeling embarrassed. "What were you saying again?"

"I was asking you if you wanted to go to school with me early tomorrow."

Well, shit.

Your eyes started to go wide, and your hands started to go clammy.

"Tomorrow?" You repeated, voice trembling.

'Well, yeah." He pouted his lips, and you felt like melting into a small puddle in your place. Your heart started to pound heavily.

Oh my fucking god, he is so adorable.

"Okay, sure I can go with you tomorrow," You weakly smiled at him, slightly tense.

How we're you going to give him the letter now?

__

"Good Morning," Jake said as he watches you close the gates of your house. It was past five in the morning, and you were a mess.

"Morning," You replied back before running your fingers through your hair, getting rid of any flyaways.

As you started walking your way to the bus stop, Jake kept on glancing towards you from time to time. He knew you were pretty, but since when did you become really beautiful in his eyes?

The walk was pretty quiet, but it was a comfortable silence. For him, mostly.

Meanwhile, you couldn't stop freaking out. You had written a letter the night before, but you don't know how you were going to slip it into his locker without him taking notice. If he saw you, he would know.

"Are you sure you're okay? You've been like this since yesterday," Jake blurted. You looked at him before heaving a sigh.

"It's nothing," You mouthed, suddenly feeling anxious and gloomy.

"Something on your mind?"

"Something like that." It was hopeless. I guess he would have to miss this letter today. It was the first time you skipped a day, and you're feeling guilty that you would have to see Jake's face sadden that he wouldn't receive it today.

As you two stop at the bus stop, Jake looked slightly panicked as he was rummaging through the pockets of his blazer before looking through his bag. "Hey, do you have an extra pen? I left mine at home and I have a quiz today."

You snickered, "Out of all the days, Sim Jake. The same day you have a quiz is the same day you forget your pen."

"Very funny." He scoffed.

As you unzipped your bag to grab your pencil case, a folded piece of paper fell out without you realizing it. When Jake went to pick it up, he notices that it was folded the same way as the letters in his locker. It looked so identical.

Once you already got your pencil case out, you were about to hand it to him when you saw what he was holding that made your body freeze with your hand holding the case in the air.

"Why were one of my letters inside your bag?" He glanced at you, waiting for you to reply.

If you were freaking out before, this is a whole other thing. The thing that you were fearing the most is happening right before you.

"Maybe it fell into my bag yesterday..." You stammered, making up an excuse to look like it was an accident. You were tightly holding onto your pencil case, chanting many curse words in your head as you watch Jake unfold the letter.

"I don't think I've received this one yet," He said before he opened the letter and read it.

You watch as his expression formed into confusion as he reads through the paper. It only took a few moments before something in him clicked that it was you sending him the letters.

"Y/N," He began, and you started quivering in fear.

You should've known this would happen, but you didn't expect it to happen this sooner. In fact, you believed that this wouldn't happen at all. But it did.

"Let me explain," You eventually gave up and accepted fate and watch as your identity as "Moon" be revealed to your crush. You're now exposed so you didn't have any other choice but to explain everything. "Yes, I am Moon. I was the one writing you the letters that you've been getting in your locker."

Jake's face was unreadable. He looked bewildered and puzzled. He was trying to comprehend what was happening right now. All this time, it was you?

"I started crushing on you when we attended that birthday party before. I didn't want to confess my feelings for you because I was scared that you were going to harshly reject me, so I started writing down letters as a way to tell you how I feel about you without making you feel awkward around me." You continued, eyes suddenly taking an interest in your shoes. They were brand new too.

Jake was silent, and you felt your heart crack into pieces. You were mad at yourself for being so careless about it that he ended up finding out about you as his secret admirer. You wanted nothing else but to run back home, lock yourself in your room and cry with your sad playlist on loop.

You were expecting a harsh rejection coming from him, but what surprised was how he took dangerous steps towards you, minimizing the gap between you two. He placed his hand under your chin, forcing you to look up at him.

"I don't plan on rejecting you Y/N," You stare into his eyes as it reflects the sunlight of the early morning. "I'm actually happy that it was you."

You look at him, puzzled. He lowly chuckles under his breath before leaning over to place his lips against yours. It was a light, quick kiss, but it brought you feeling ecstatic. You've dreamed of this moment before, and now that it happened, you thanked your clumsiness.

As he pulled away, you were sure your face was a red mess.

"Thank you," His smile was as bright as the stars in the sky. It was the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. "Thank you for making me like I'm special to someone."

You felt flustered over his words. You were scared that he could hear the sound of your heart pounding loudly. The butterflies in your stomach were going wild, and you felt like this was all a dream.

"So, what am I to you now?" You broke into a smile as he grabs your hand, intertwining your fingers with his.

Jake acted as if he was thinking, "Hm..maybe my best friend still?"

He bursts into a fit of giggles as he sees your smile slowly disappear, replacing it with a look of disbelief. You removed your hand from his and walked at a faster pace away from him.

He ran to match your pace beside you before holding your hand again, "I'm sorry, I won't ever do that again. Is my girl mad at me?"

"Oh my god, it's only five-fifty, Jake." You too broke into laughter over his cheesiness, but your heart fluttered over the thought of Jake calling you his.

__

HERE’S A LITTLE BONUS! since I've made you guys wait for 4 months :(

"What the fuck?" Was the first thing You heard from Jay as you and Jake entered the classroom. All of your classmates were staring at your and his hands intertwined together.

Jay stood in front of you two, crossing his arms together. "Can one of you explain when this happened?" he motioned towards your linking hands. You and Jake smiled at each other before walking away, leaving Jay in a fit of joy, and confusion.

[bookstantrash]

A/N: I am so very sorry for not updating for so long. I know I said I’d try to update more frequently while I was on uni break but life happened lmao. Classes are back, but I’ll try not left y’all hanging for so long.

You can check here Pemberley’s Lake, Hooked on You, Smells like petrichor and paper, The Sound of Music and A Midsummer Night’s Dream, part one, two, three, four and five of my Nessian Pride and Prejudice AU.

That being said, I hope y’all enjoy this chapter! We got a little bit of fluff, sprinkles of angst and a lovely plot twist ✨

Bloody Day and Ominous letters

Nesta woke up with the worst headache she had ever had in her entire life. She really should not have drunk as much as she had last night but as she saw her friends and Morrigan having fun that little voice inside her head — usually her mother’s or grandmother's saying Do better, Stop being such a disappointment or Your only purpose is to marry well so forget about love — got louder and louder, judging her company and trying to make her feel ashamed.

But she had had enough. Her grandmother and mother had both passed away already. It was time to bury them for good. So Nesta took the wine bottle from Morrigan and drank half of it in one go, her friends cheering around her. And she had so much fun. Nesta would never have guessed that drinking could be so enjoyable, nothing like those uptight parties where the ladies sipped a lonely glass all night long while the gentleman lost count of theirs. The only downside was her killing headache and the fact that she had overslept, a fact she took notice of once she glanced at the wall clock.

She had just sat up on her bed —  massaging her temple to ease the tension on her head — when an insistent knocking on her door made her mumble a curse. No doubt it was either Emerie or Gwyn — maybe both of them — waking her up. Those two were quite used to drinking, so it was no surprise to Nesta that they would be up and about very early.

“Would you two stop it?” she said loudly, opening the door wearing only her chemise, probably having ditched her dress during the night while she slept “I have a killer headache and your banging is not helping at all—”

She stopped mid sentence when she came face to face with Georgianam, the young lady’s hand still raised to knock on her door, Cassian right behind her.

“Oh, I apologise Lady Nesta” Georgiana said “We had agreed that we would go on a nice early morning walk today, but when I did not spot Miss Archeron at the breakfast table I got worried.”

“Please do forgive me, Miss Georgiana. I had a bit too much to drink yesterday and ended up oversleeping.” Nesta quickly said, mentally kicking herself for her rudeness “I will be ready for our walk in a minute.”

“Lovely! I will be waiting at the parlor then!”

Nesta closed the door with a sigh. Her morning had not begun the best.

However, it was only while she was brushing her hair that her sleep fogged mind caught up to the fact that Cassian had seen her half asleep wearing nothing but her chemise and with early morning messy bed hair.

She definitely could not be allowed to drink more than two glasses of alcohol if that was how she was going to behave whenever she drank more than deemed proper.

When she arrived at the parlor ten minutes later, she could not help but avoid looking at Cassian.

“Mrs. Potts brought you a little something to eat” Georgiana informed, pouring Nesta tea “And also some headache medicine”

“Please thank her in my instead later, she is too kind to me”

“Oh, it was all my brother’s doing” Georgiana smiled in Cassian's direction, serving herself some cookies “He was the one who asked her to provide not only the medicine but also the food.”

“I appreciate the gesture, my lord.” Nesta hid her blush behind the teacup.

“It was nothing, my lady” was all he answered, refusing to look at her.

That made Nesta’s heart strangely hurt. She could not help but think he had been disgusted by her earlier appearance. Her hair was such a mess and her chemise was all wrinkled from sleep—

Wait. Why did she care so much of what he thought of her? Nesta Archeron was not one to give much attention to others opinion of herself, so why was she getting so worked up when it came to Cassian? Of course, one could not help but notice how he always looked so presentable, with his spotless clothes, hair combed to perfection every single time. She had never seen a gentleman’s hair be so… perfect. She could bet her first edition of her favourite romance that he had awfully handsome bed hair. And that he had a mint breath even when woke up. And that he probably slept shirtless, if the last time she saw him at midnight at his library was any indication of his sleeping attire.

Oh Mother, why was she now thinking about all of that? She waved an imaginary hand to disperse her not so proper thoughts, focusing on the small talk Georgiana was making.

Both Nesta and Cassian kept avoiding each other during their walk, which did not pass by Georgiana without notice, especially given how her brother had made sure to stay two steps behind them, giving the excuse he wanted to give both ladies “privacy to talk comfortably”, something he had never done. Their walk, however, was cut short when Nesta showed signs of being tired and admitted that her headache had not disappeared.

“I assure you it is nothing to fret over” Nesta told a worried Mrs. Potts when they came back “It must be from yesterday’s drinking. There is no need to call a doctor.”

“Nonetheless, I will ask Chef Ramsay to prepare some light food and my special hangover drink” the old headmaid said with a motherly expression.

Thanking Mrs. Potts again, Nesta went to her room to splash some water on her face in hopes of refreshing herself. But a painful jab low on her stomach made her freeze and the blood drain from her face.

~•~

“Just knock on the door, my Lord” Lumière said as he watched Cassian drop his hand once again. The maître d’ had been watching his lord pace in front of the parlor door for what must have been twenty minutes.

“I do not want to bother her. Maybe I should call Mrs. Potts or wait until the other ladies come back” Cassian ran his hand through his hair in distress. Emerie and Balthazar had gone out with Morrigan to visit some possible new business partners — her big circle of connections proving itself to be very useful in helping expand their business — while Azriel and Gwyn had gone to the town, which was helding a small music festival. Georgiana, on the other hand, had received a telegram from a friend who had returned early from their trip abroad, and she had promptly gone to meet them.

“This, dear brother, is your chance to speak to Miss Nesta” she had said before leaving “I do not know what happened to make you both so distant, but you better make amends. I already asked Emerie to design the gown I shall wear at your wedding.”

Cassian had told Georgie to mind her own business and stop being such a busybody, proceeding to stand guard outside the parlor.

“Leave the lord alone” Cogsworth hissed, elbowing Lumiére “Her ladyship has not asked for help so it must mean she is fine and does not wish to be bothered.”

“Nonsense, old friend!! The lady is simply too shy to ask for it and the lord too polite to risk disturbing her” taking a step forward, Lumière knocked on the door.

“What do you think you are doing?!” the major-domo whisper yelled, and Cassian was sure he would have throttled Lumière were it not for the faint voice coming from the other side.

“Please, do come in” Nesta said.

Taking a deep breath, Cassian opened the door, leaving behind Cogsworth and Lumière, who were trying very hard not to start a duel right there.

The first thing he looked for was Nesta.

Nesta, who was rather pale and was clutching a pillow very hard against her stomach.

“Are you alright?” he asked, not knowing whether to sit beside her or just stay standing a few feet away.

“I am” she said, although the deep breath she took had him thinking it was not true “Where are Gwyn and Emerie?”

“Gwyn went to the town festival with Azriel. An Emerie went with Mor and Balthazar to meet prospective business partners.”

“Are you really alright Nesta?” he asked again “You do not seem fine at all if I may say.”

“I assure you I am perfectly fine” Nesta insisted through clenched teeth “Where is Georgiana?”

“At a friend’s house. They returned early from a trip.” Cassian said, a bit annoyed she was asking for his sister when he was right there. It was a stupid jealous feeling, and he was not even more annoyed because he felt glad they got on so well.

“Do you know when any of them will be back?”

“I am afraid I do not know” daring to approach her, Cassian sat beside her on the sofa “But I am here. If there is anything I could do…”

“There is no need to bother yourself. I truly am—”

And that was when Nesta whimpered and clutched her pillow even tighter, doubling over a little bit.

“You are definitely far from fine sweetheart” Cassian said, rubbing her back in hopes of helping her, nevermind proper etiquette.

“It is really nothing. Just—”

“Just what?”

“Lady stuff!!” Nesta finally said, her whole face heating up like a fireplace.

“Oh. Oh! I see. I— I understand” he said, also a little bit flustered “Not that I actually get it but I have also experienced pain and—”

Nesta wished the ground would open up and swallow her. She was used to getting her period, it was a monthly occurrence. Nothing out of the ordinary. However, this time it seemed her body had decided to punish her more than usual. Not only had she gotten a killer headache — made worse by her hangover —  but she was cramping very badly, and they usually were not that bad. That was why she had gone to that walk with Georgiana, even though she was getting mildly uncomfortable soon after they arrived at the garden.

Not that she did not want to miss any Cassian time.

Him going with them had been a bonus.

A surprise, but not a pleasant one.

Maybe just a bit pleasant if she was being honest. Just a tiny tiny bit.

“I will stop talking now” Cassian mumbled, interrupting not for the first time her errant thoughts.

She wanted to die. To tell Cassian — even indirectly —  that she had gotten her period was the most mortifying she had ever experienced.

“I can get Mrs. Potts for you” he tentatively said, restarting the back rubs “She can get you some tea for pain. Or a bag of warm water. You can tell her anything, do not worry.”

Nesta managed to nod her head in agreement, despite her stubborn side that refused to ask for help from the maids or other servants at Pemberley.

Cassian himself went looking for the head maid instead of just ringing for her, assuring her he would be back in less than ten minutes. And he did come back in record time with Mrs. Potts, who gave her tea and pain tonic that she assured Nesta made wonders for stopping cramps. All the while Cassian hovered over Mrs. Potts, unsure of what to do.

“Do you require anything else? Maybe another blanket?” he asked after Mrs. Potts had left. He had made sure to bring back a blanket too and had even tucked her in with extra care “Or more tea? I can ask someone to come and bring fresh hot tea”

Nesta would never have imagined Cassian to be such an overbearing mother hen. He was being extra careful around her and it annoyed her beyond reason.

“Cassian, this happens every month. Has been happening since I was thirteen, alright? Can you please stop?” she snapped.

She regretted her words as soon as she realised how rude she had been and what exactly she had said. However, he was being so overweening. As if she was made of glass or was on her deathbed.

Yet all Cassian did was crack a smile and nudge a chocolate muffin towards her. Nesta had been in such pain and so quiet he had been concerned if Mrs. Potts’ pain tonic would really work. But there she was.

There was the feisty, sharp tongued and quick-witted Nesta he knew.

There was the Nesta he fell in love with.

He barely held his tongue back and risked blutering his feelings right in front of her. Again.

“May I get you a book then? It is a good way to pass the time until your friends are back.”

“Thank you. That would be lovely” Nesta gave him a soft smile, her previous embarrassment having died down a little.

He was gone and back in a record time, and Nesta delusioned herself into thinking he had raced to the library because he did not want to leave her for too long.

“I got the book you were not able to finish last night” Cassian said, handing her Sellyn Drake’s latest romance “And I also took the liberty of getting one of my favourites too. In case you finish this one quickly.”

She thanked him again, curious as to what book was his favourite, what made her even eager to finish her current read.

Turns out Cassian was a fan of epic poems, a fact that — combined with his admission of having read Sellyn Drake’s romances — once again made Nesta view him with new eyes. She had thought he would be more of a war strategy person, all business and serious matters. Yet it seemed that Cassian had a dreamer inside of him.

“How many times have you read this book?” Nesta asked as she turned a yellowed page. The book was old, but she could see it was very loved given its good condition.

“A lot of times. It was my favourite book as a child, and I could not part with it once I moved out of my childhood home” he gave her a smile “It was also my dear companion during long expeditions. I have most of it memorized.”

“I bet you charmed every single lady during your travels with your knowledge, wooing them with beautiful words” she teased, despite the small pang of jealousy in her heart.

You refused his hand and humiliated him, she thought, you have no place to feel jealous. Cassian is a wonderful gentleman, it is expected to have women falling left and right for him, not to say him pursuing them.

“You are actually the first person apart from my family who knows that I read poetry” Cassian admitted “And I also have never met someone that made me want to declare a poem to”

Nesta did not know what to say to that. They were bordering dangerous territory, something that seemed to happen more and more frequently.

And Cassian, seated right beside her, was thinking the same thing. He had allowed himself to get closer to him again, something that yesterday he had vowed to avoid, had tried to do that morning. But to see her in pain, uncomfortable and not talking to him hurt more than those moments in which he could see a life with her. Those moments with Nesta were a double edged sword: he craved and loathed them with the same urgency.

He would kill to have even a single moment with her.

He would die if he had even a single moment with her.

Nesta made him want to be selfish.

Made him want to declare poems to her, maybe even attempt to write her one.

At the moment, he could not help but recall a certain verse of the Epic of Gilgamesh:

What could I offer

the queen of love in return, who lacks nothing at all?

Balm for the body? The food and drink of the gods?

I have nothing to give to her who lacks nothing at all.

You are the door through which the cold gets in.

You are the fire that goes out. You are the pitch

that sticks to the hands of the one who carries the bucket.

You are the house that falls down. You are the shoe

that pinches the foot of the wearer. The ill-made wall

that buckles when time has gone by. The leaky

water skin soaking the water skin carrier.

To Cassian, Nesta was the goddess of love. And he was the one who could not offer her a single thing for she lacked nothing.

“Well, I will not disturb your reading any longer” clearing his throat to break the new tense silence between them, Cassian gestured to the book in her hand “But do feel free to make comments while you read, I would very much like to hear your opinions about it.”

And she did just that. Every passage she found interesting, each line that caught her eye and interpretation she had about a certain phrase, she shared them all with Cassian. Somewhere during their conversation that awkward tension between them disappeared completely, with Cassian letting his arm rest on the back of the couch, getting closer to Nesta. And Nesta somehow ended up getting closer to him too, almost leaning on his side.

It was all very improper. Cassian staying alone with Nesta, so close to each other and acting as a married couple.

But Cassian would let himself be selfish one last time.

One last time before they had to go their separate ways.

~•~

The day would have ended perfectly were it not for the letter that Gwyn brought once she and Azriel had come back.

While Emerie, Balthazar and Mor had arrived late in the evening — with good news of new partnerships being agreed on —  Gwyn and Azriel had come back much later, just when everyone had finished dinner. Nesta had not been too worried, she trusted Azriel to take care of Gwyn and her friend was not bound by the stifling high society etiquette, but she breathed a little easier when they finally arrived.

“Oh Nesta, we passed by the inn we were staying at before and the landlady gave me a letter addressed to you. It seems she had forgotten to send it to us yesterday when our things were brought here.” Gwyn gave her the letter once they had moved to the game room “She apologised deeply for it.”

“I understand, it is a busy season for them.”

“It is a letter from Feyre” Nesta furrowed her brows in confusion as she broke the letter’ seal, which she recognized as being the one representing Feyre’ status as Duchess “She sent one barely a week ago, I wonder what could have happened.”

Nesta had guessed it would be another letter from Feyre asking about how their trip was going, if she had seen beautiful scenarios and bought any souvenir for her youngest sister. Or even a curious inquiry about what she thought of Cassian. Feyre had been quite interested to know if they got along — she had always been a busybody and matchmaker, and since marrying Rhysand had tried time and time again to nonchalantly push her to Cassin. If she ever discovered that Nesta had already been proposed by Cassian — and that she had refused his hand — chaos would befall upon Nesta.

However, as her eyes scanned the lines, Nesta’s assumptions of its contents proved to be far away from reality. She felt her blood run cold, her heart stop beating and fear. So much fear.

“Excuse me” she managed to say, getting up “I need a moment.”

“Nesta, are you alright? What did Feyre say? You are very pale” Gwyn said, her voice full of worry.

“I am fine. Just cramps” she brushed off her friend’s worries. She did not want to make the others notice that something was off with her, she did not want to alarm Gwyn..

Yet as she exited the room she failed to perceive that Cassian had been paying attention to her ever since Gwyn gave her the letter. He was always paying attention to his surroundings, especially when she was around.

He left the room a few moments after her, trying not to raise suspicion to his attitude. He did not know where she had gone — Pemberley was vast and her room was too far away for him to not have caught her faster — but something led him to the small outdoor patio just left from the small gallery he had at Pemberley.

As he got closer and closer there, he heard the sound of someone crying, which made his heart beat faster and a deep fear grow inside him.

He arrived outside to find an unimaginable scene: Nesta crying. Crying as if her heart had been ripped out of her chest.

She was a mess, her careful braided hair coming undone, as if she had ran her hands through it in desperation.

“Nesta… Nes dear, what happened? Is Feyre alright?” Cassian did not care that she most probably left the room to cry in private. He was worried, he needed to be beside her, he needed to help her somehow.

“I— Feyre she—” she was sobbing so hard she could barely breathe, let alone talk, making Cassian’s heart break in a thousand pieces.

“Shh it’s okay sweetheart. I am here Nes” he gently cupped her face, making her look at him “Take deep breaths with me.”

He took a deep breath, holding it in for three seconds before letting it go. He kept doing it until Nesta did the same, slowly calming down.

“Can you talk now? Do you want me to fetch you some water?” Cassian asked, tenderly brushing off her remaining tears.

“No, I— I can talk now” Nesta took another breath “Feyre is alright. It is Elain.”

“Elain? Is she sick? Talk to me Nes, help me understand”

Elain was the picture of the perfect lady in high society. With her numerous suitors, lovely and delicate behaviour — not to mention her singular beauty — it was hard to find someone who did not like her. Given that her hobbies — cooking and gardening — did not pose a threat to her health and well being, Cassian could not understand what would have made Nesta react so strongly. Perhaps Elain had fallen ill, something that rarely happened.

“No. She is not sick” Nesta shook her head “Cauldron, I almost wished she was sick.”

“Elain was…. Elain was kidnapped” she added, her eyes filling with tears again.

“Kidnapped? How?”

That made no sense, who would kidnap Elain? And why?

“She was going to visit Feyre. And when she didn't show up Rhysand went to search for her and—” Nesta started to cry, desperation filling her voice “They found her carriage turned over and hidden near the outskirts of the city. No sign of her at all.”

Cassian was speechless. He could only imagine how Feyre must be feeling after she got the news and hoped Rhysand was doing his everything to help find Elain.

“The coachman was killed and her lady in waiting was rushed to the hospital.” she cried even harder “This is all my fault. I should never have left her. We have no male relatives and Feyre is living too far from our childhood home. I was supposed to take care of her.”

“Nesta, it is not your fault. You could never have guessed something like this could happen.” he looked deep in her eyes, the blue in them even brighter because of her tears “Is there anything I could do to help?”

“I am afraid there isn’t, '' she whispered “I have to go back home. Try to hire an investigator, talk to Feyre and hope Elain is not disgraced by society rumors. Hope she is alive”

Cassian could only nod in agreement and wait for Nesta to recompose herself before they went back inside. Their friends were as horrified and worried about the situation as he and Nesta, and decided to go back right that moment. The staff noticed something was amiss and made sure to ready the carriage in record time.

“Thank you for welcoming you at your home” Nesta said, her complexion a bit better “I can assure you we all had a wonderful time here.”

“It was my pleasure. Have a safe travel and remember that Pemberey is open to you and your friends whenever you want to visit” Cassian helped Nesta get on her carriage one last time, letting go of her hand begrudgingly.

And as Nesta and her friends got farther and farther from Pemberley, as Nesta got farther and farther away from him and took his heart with her, Cassian felt a calm fury settle inside him.

He had some letters to write to some old friends.

•

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