if ur a murderbot nerd now do u have any fun opinions abt it yet?
Oh my goddd you have no idea
I really, really, really like Murderbot because it comes at life with this perspective we don't often see that is very real among people who have already been through traumatic experiences, who developed skills and abilities to suvive that were once useful but no longer have context- that search that traumatized people go through to recalibrate and reorient ourselves in a world where we no longer really need those things to survive.
A bit personal here, but my own issues personally involved a lot of psychological abuse that made it difficult to trust my own perceptions of reality, and as a result I found I was very easy to lie to and manipulate.
To handle this, I became obsessive over writing things down, cataloging details and making notes of things as they happened- I'd carry recording devices and make audio recordings and stay up late at night to transcribe what they'd picked up, read those over and over again to reassure myself of things I wasn't certain about.
While doing this, there were others close to me that I felt responsible for, who I had to protect from others and protect myself from at the same time. Life was about two things: Evidence, and defusing threats
Over time, I learned to trust myself as my memories matched what had been recorded where their narrative didn't, but I never really kicked the habit. Like Murderbot, I had added something to my own programming that reassured me I was safe, that I was in control of myself, that I couldn't be mistaken or crazy or broken or used.
I'm only on book two, but already I see myself in Murderbot again. No spoilers here, but when I left home- left that dangerous context- I didn't need to repeat these patterns to survive anymore, but I still did, because I didn't know anything else anymore. It felt safe, comfortable, knowing knowing that the past couldn't repeat itself, because I'd written that flaw- blind trust in myself- out of my programming and replaced it with something else.
Still, though, I'd become something specially suited to thrive in a very specific environment. Nothing else felt right like followinghigh-risk situations, like witnessing and watching and recording and knowing I had proof of the truth where others might not.
People took notice. I wound up in security by accident, but's an environment that I thrive in due to the same patterns and behaviours I originally developed when I had no other choice. I climbed the ladder pretty quickly, once supervisors caught on that my reports were the most accurate, most objective, most factual, detail-oriented and timely. I keep others and myself safe and prioritize public safety above all else, and I perform well under pressure
Now I'm in a position where I often wonder, do I enjoy this job, or is it just what I'm good at? I have a set of skills now, but do I have the option of choosing not to use them? What would I be, if not this? Could I be anything else?
Can Murderbot be anything else?
It has a set of skills that set it apart, make it different, special. It does what it knows best. But is it free? Does it want to be? What does it want? Does it have to do what it was built to do? What if it didn't?
I know what I'm good for. The idea of deliberately leaving what I'm good for for something uncertain, that I might hate, that I might be useless at- the choice to give up what was so important to me for so long and become deliberately obsolete?
Let go of my entire purpose? The only thing I know, that I fit so well into but don't actually know if I enjoy? Now that I can choose? Now that enjoyment is a luxury I can afford to consider?
Yeah, that resonates.
I like the Murderbot series so far because it feels the way I feel: Like the most significant and formative part of my story, the part where I became what I am, has already happened
And now I have to just. Keep going
Into... what?
It feels absurd. Like a microwave giving up on reheating food and deciding to start a life around abstract dance.
So, uh. Yeah. It's really very wild to see this same philosophical-ish dilemma I've been digging over in the back of my mind and in therapy for the last forever laid out so plainly in a genuinely exciting and enjoyable story like this. I feel much less alone, and I... kind of really need to see how it resolves, I think.
So, uh. Yeah. Read Murderbot, I guess
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Something about how few of the conflicts in Dead Boy Detectives are solved by violence. Something about how the few times it is, it's presented as weird, wrong, extreme. Something about Jenny and her cleavers, Charles and his cricket bat, Crystal and the knife.
The first fight, against the WW1 ghost, Charles has a knife - an iron knife, that would hurt the ghost. And even when he's pinned down, all he goes for is the mask - even when he could use it to get the ghost off of him.
And Esther? Sure, they try - Charles with his knife, Edwin with his fists. And fail immediately, instantly. It's Crystal who holds her back, with her memories - it's Esther who swings around her cane, just because she can.
Charles throws a pot at a zombie, and breaks the magic vessel. Charles tries to hit Brandon Devlin, and gets trapped. They can't kill Angie, just put her to sleep. Jenny runs from Maxine - despite being tough, and strong, she hides rather than attacks. The Night Nurse hits Angie, but is only freed when Kashi asks, instead. Crystal punches Esther, but Tooth Face isn't defeated until she frees him. Charles throws a bomb at the demon, but it's still coming - they win by running, not by fighting. Jenny brings a cleaver to a demon fight, but instead is possessed, her weapons turned against her. And in the end? Esther isn't defeated by fighting her, by Crystal stealing her knife or her power - she's defeated when her power is broken, by Crystal crying out for justice.
The most violent scene, from the protagonists, is when Charles attacks the Night Nurse. It's brutal, it's violent, and it's wrong. The others are left staring, shocked, at a loss. It's extreme, Edwin says. It was a lot, Crystal says. And you know what? It didn't work. It inconvenienced her, sure - but she came right back, once she was free.
What does work? The good they did coming back around. Kindness, friendship, reaching out to others - that's what keeps them winning.
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