today, my coworkers’ refusal to see me as a man put one of our patients in a position where they felt unsafe for the third time. i’ve been at this job for less than two months total. i don’t even care about getting misgendered anymore, i just want the people we’re supposed to be taking care of to feel comfortable around me.
i work at a hospital where we have to supervise our patients in a lot of vulnerable situations. there are safeguarding rules in place for certain things that male employees aren’t allowed to be present for when it comes to female patients. and yet, the people training me and telling me what to do have repeatedly put me in situations where i’ve been forced to do things that the female patients aren’t comfortable with me doing. and because they have repeatedly failed to teach me the rules for doing my job as a man, i have no way of knowing when i’m crossing one of those lines unless one of the patients tells me.
i’ve had to watch a victim of SA stare at me in abject terror as my coworkers asked her to strip naked with me still in the room. it took several minutes for her to even be able to speak enough to ask if i could leave the room. i found out after that she broke down crying the moment i walked out. my biggest regret is that i didn’t realize what was happening fast enough to leave before she ever had to say something, because she shouldn’t have had to say it. i never should’ve been allowed in the room in the first place, because that’s not something male employees are supposed to be present for. but i didn’t know that yet, because i was training and i thought surely, they wouldn’t train me to do something that directly violated their own safeguarding rules. that moment was the first time, and it’s haunted me ever since, but it wasn’t the last time. not only did it happen for the third time today — it almost happened for the fourth, and would have if someone hadn’t spoken up to say they should pick someone else. i care for these people so deeply, it’s why i took this job, and i’m so tired of hearing the fear in their voices when they have to ask me not to do something i never should’ve been told to do.
i’m very used to the personal discomfort of being misgendered. i willingly deal with it a lot at work as well as in other situations, not because i’m in the closet (at this point in my medical transition that would be impossible), but because it’s such a frequent occurrence with my coworkers that we would never get anything done if i took the time to correct them every time. but to see it get to the point of causing such visceral discomfort in other people? people i’m supposed to be taking care of and keeping safe? that’s something else entirely, and i’m fucking exhausted.
and after all of that, some of them still look at me like i have two heads when they tell me what to do and i say “i can’t do that, only female employees can” because i’m learning now. clearly i’m already seen as a man by our patients, but my coworkers would still rather put them in an unsafe situation than just train me as a man.
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you know what's so disappointing? the way people keep saying 'don't be afraid to portray mental illness and disability in media!! in your art and writing!!! normalise it and don't shun it!!!' and then the MOMENT you bring up a symptom that's too messy and uncomfortable to handle, they take a fuckin u-turn and go "UM no that's bad. like. you're a bad person if you do that. that's weird and it makes me uncomfortable so it's wrong."
here's the thing!!!!!!! it's not convenient!!!!! it's not simple!!!! i can't be honest and keep writing about how depression paints your whole world blue and all that shit!!!!!! because guess what!!!! depression and disabilities and borderline personality disorder and SO many other things are just. not neat and clean or easily consumable. they WILL make you uncomfortable and sad. they WILL make you feel bad. honesty is not easy. it's not meant to be.
and dehumanisation of sociopaths and psychopaths is genuinely distressing. not all of them!!! are!!!! bad people!!! it's a medical condition!!!! a mental illness!!! a person's illness doesn't make them bad. their actions and the decisions they take decide that and I am SO sick and tired of people watering down every complex human trait and toxic behaviour as good and bad and right and wrong. don't you see!!! some things are simply just. human. that's all. people fuck up. badly, sometimes. but that doesn't mean they are not people. I'm not saying you should forgive everyone and become a full time saint. you are entitled to your anger. i'm just asking you: don't take away a person's right to err and still be considered human. not all actions fall in the neat divisions of right and wrong. some things just are. grow some balls if you want to see true suffering in media. because it is Not easy or pretty. not even close. you will be conflicted and uncomfortable and troubled. make peace with that fact.
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the day am fans realise that miles/milex shippers are less problematic and harmful to the fandom than lv/her supporters will be one of the best days of my life
rant incoming because I'm going insane:
i will never ever understand why am fans have so much beef with milex shippers.
i have been in SO many fandoms throughout my life, I've been obsessed with SO many bands whose members are shipped to the point of insanity, and it was never a problem. sure, some people didn't like the ships, but why are so many am fans acting like this is something unique? bts, mcr, dan and phil, harry potter, I've seen fucking everything. every other fandom in the world are just this obsessed with their ships, trying to prove that two men are fucking, posting theories and so on. shipping was always a thing in fandoms and always will be, especially if we're talking about male celebrities and teenage girls.
having said this, the kind of fandom i have never been in is one where grown ass women bring this much toxicity to the community and behave like children. there are hundreds of celebrities whose girlfriends are not liked by the fans, but no girlfriend ever engaged this much with the haters, probably because they realised that it would only make things worse, and the fans would hate them even more.
we could've had some peaceful end of the tour content, but no, we have this instead. every few months something has to be done by a certain someone in order for people to pay attention to her, and so that in the end fans will forget the reason they're fans and engage in stupid shit like this, defeating the whole purpose of being a music fan.
all this drama is slowly making me not want to have anything to do with am or the fandom anymore. if not for miles and him being connected to am, i would've stopped giving a fuck about alex years ago (technically not through his fault, but then also because of him). this whole thing just makes me sad because miles does not deserve to be associated with these people and the fact that he will never be able to get rid of them is so not it.
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Y'all know what time it is, Neo is gonna stir the pot a little bit (again lol).
So, Bad Omens fans, what the absolute fuck is wrong with you? No, seriously. What the actual fuck is your problem?
You have a band that plays incredible music, and instead of being normal about that, and appreciating THE MUSIC, you sexualize the fuck out of Noah until he's uncomfortable and is asking to stop?
Then, when V.A.N comes out, you spew vitrol because Noah isn't the one singing. You hate on Poppy, who is so fucking talented, and act so entitled to Noah's voice, like it's your property. Disgusting.
Then, to top it off, when they play live, and NOAH COVERS HIS FACE (hmm, I wonder why he did that, its a fucking mystery!) Y'all turn around and CONTINUE to sexualize him, despite his obvious and vocal discomfort.
Let me get this super clear. You do not own him! He is not your property, and you are not entitled to his face, or his voice, or this band's music. You are going to make this poor man quit because you act like horny children. Stop it. It's disgusting and shallow, and I am tired of seeing it.
Learn how to spot and dismantle your parasocial relationships, or we ARE going to lose this band, and it will be your fault. The same shit is happening with Sleep Token, and I don't want to lose something important to me because y'all don't know how to fucking act like adults.
To the Bad Omens fans who are normal, reasonable people; Hey, thanks for making being part of the fanbase tolerable! You are becoming a rarity, and I deeply appreciate you for behaving like rational people.
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https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/story/chris-hemsworth-cover-story
It's like the Prequels again. Everyone blamed the actors when it's the director who deserves the blame.
OKAY BUT REAL TALK I ACTUALLY JUST READ THIS WHOLE ARTICLE BEFORE CHECKING MY BLOG RIGHT NOW AND I JUST NEED TO SAY THAT CHRIS BEING SO DOWN AND OUT ABOUT HIS ROLE IN THE MCU IS SO SAD TO ME.
Now that I've gotten that out of the way: to put my full thoughts into words... I want to say first that Robert Downey Jr. has this to say about Chris (in response to Chris feeling like he's not as important or as cool as the other heroes):
"Thor as a character was super tricky to adapt [...] but he and Ken Branagh figured out how to transcend, make him somehow relatable but godlike. Hemsworth is, in my opinion, the most complex psyche out of all of us Avengers. He's got wit and gravitas, but also such restraint, fire, and gentleness."
And this is SO true. He took the words out of my mouth.
Reading the article.. and how and where Chris notes feelings of inadequacy, or feeling he's complaining to much (and therefore being narcissistic by complaining), the burning himself out, etc. Suffice it to say I was struck by one thing in particular: There's a lot of Chris in Thor. A LOT of Chris in Thor. It's not a surprise to me, in that case, that he felt down and out about his role in the Avengers, and the MCU as a whole when Thor is, inherently, consequently, alien. But alien in the sense of being SO important, SO regal, so otherworldly in sheer scope and in depth that where he fit in was ... quite simply grander than the others in the overall scheme of things.
It was the Asgardians who brought the Tesseract to Earth and safeguarded it, and the Aether. Two entire infinity stones within their protection. That, is Thor. Who was the one to have a vision about the role of the infinity stones? Thor in "Avengers: Age of Ultron". Who was the one to bring the Vision to life? Thor, also in "Avengers: Age of Ultron". Who was the one to realize as far back as "The Avengers" (2012) that someone was working behind Loki? It was still Thor.
And what I find most interesting is that Chris isn't exactly wrong about what he says here:
"Sometimes I felt like the security guard for the team," he says. "I would read everyone else's lines, and go, Oh, they got way cooler stuff. They're having more fun. What's my character doing? It was always about, 'You've got the wig on. You've got the muscles. You've got the costume. Where's the lightning?' Yeah I'm part of this big thing, but I'm probably pretty replaceable."
Ignoring for a moment that this is absolutely not at ALL the truth, it's not a surprise to me that he felt this way for... particular people and branches within the overarching fandom spaces I won't name for the sanctity of this post. And it is unendingly sad to me to have undeniable proof from the horse's mouth that Chris lost sight of how much depth and beauty he brought to the table as Thor. And how important Thor is as a result.
And yet, I honestly don't blame him FOR losing sight of that. There's a lot he had to - and still has to - contend with. And almost everybody sleeps on his portrayal of Thor in particular. It's depressing to see.
RDJ saying he's got the most complex psyche is so true. Gentle and gravitas, restrained but filled with fire. I love that about Thor. I will always love that about Thor.
I genuinely hope, with Chris seemingly realizing just how far out of touch he fell whilst chasing the high that Taika Waititi's dipshit behavior allowed him to chase, that he does do better. Performs better. But I mean that more in the sense of...
Chris, should you ever happen to read even a small part of this: I hope that you fall back in love with Thor. And I hope you see how lovely he is - and has always been - specifically because of your portrayal of him. You and Thor are not replaceable. You're not boring. At no point have you ever been. And I hope for your last foray into Thor's franchise you get to feel the energy you did when you first put on the costume in the first place. When the costume came on, and it felt like it just fit, and you were transformed into the character entirely. I hope your final goodbye to Thor is filled with all of the love that you first welcomed his part to play with; for you and for all of us.
– and sappiness aside, genuinely, I really do hope that Thor 5 can be a film that Chris feels proud to be a part of. A note he's proud to end on. He deserves it; we all do.
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I hate car centric infrastructure. I hate needing to walk across a highway just to get to the nearest store. I hate the U.S.’s shitty public transportation system. I hate being unable to get anywhere safely in a bike. I hate the fact that I need to own an expensive metal death machine just to live. I hate SUVs that have the forward view-ability of a battle tank and run over children. I hate how every aspect of the U.S. has been made with cars in mind and pedestrians are never even thought of. I hate how car dependency is destroying our environment and is just going to make our global extinction faster.
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