#I wish I could put all the songs in but tumblr only allows for 10 audio files

[cricketandbooks]

THE BRAINS — Dead Boy Detectives

Edwin Payne: uptight, know-it-all, stagnant, compassionate, determined, and bringer of justice for all those who felt they did not matter

THE BRAWN — Charles' Playlist THE HEART — Niko's Playlist THE EYES — Crystal's Playlist

This playlist follows Edwin Payne (Paine?) through his death and afterlife in chronological order. I hope you enjoy!

Annotations about the songs on the playlist under the cut:

Tracks 1-4: Hell

Track 1: Fear by Clint Mansell, Kronos Quartet

This track is my interpretation of Edwin's experience being sacrificed and sent to hell. Not much is known about Edwin's family and school life before this moment, so to me his story starts here. This instrumental piece builds an atmosphere of slow dread. It culminates into a jarring mess of instrumentals, causing both a feeling of fear and confusion that reflects the experiences of everyone involved in the sacrifice. In the movie that this song is created for, Requiem for a Dream, the characters use drugs to avoid facing reality and their feelings. In Edwin's case, he uses rationalization and dissociation from his reality and feelings to avoid facing them. They both come crashing in as he is sent to hell by the hands of someone who could have truly understood him.

Track 2: Body Terror Song by AJJ

It is my interpretation that Edwin, even before death, hated having a body. A body cannot be completely controlled, and often we are more at mercy to its whims that we can bear. For Edwin, a gay child in a deeply homophobic society, his body presented a lot of danger and anguish to him. He is often seen in the series fully covered, even wearing gloves to avoid being touched by anyone. It is his uniform and serves as a separation of his body from the world, but also from himself as he doesn't have to see or acknowledge it. He also does not mention any sensations that he misses from being alive unlike Charles. However, in hell, this discomfort takes on a whole new meaning.

"I'm so sorry that you have to have a body I'm so sorry that you have to have a body, oh yeah I'm very sorry that you have to have a body One that will hurt you, and be the subject of so much of your fear It will betray you, be used against you, then it'll fail on you my dear But before that, you'll be a doormat, for every vicious narcissist in the world Oh how they'll screw you, all up and over, then feed you silence for dessert"

In the series Edwin mentioned being passed through multiple demons. Each time I imagine them apologizing to him, knowing he wasn't meant to be there. Even in hell, he wasn't truly wanted. And yet, his body was still used to torture him as he was ripped apart and put back together again. While his body didn't get to fail on him via age, he was unable to protect himself from the wrath of his peers as he was never a strong person physically. It also "betrayed" him in that he is attracted to men, and was used against him as a means to scare him by Simon. At this time in the story, he didn't get a true apology from Simon, and his death wasn't investigated. Instead his life and memory was silenced. This fuels his determination to ensure that this never happens to any one else, as well as to dissociate from having a body completely.

Track 3: Anhedonia by Chelsea Wolf, Emma Ruth Rundle

As he is learning about hell and escaping from it, Edwin's resolve to not feeling anything sinks in. After being betrayed and then tossed around like a plaything by demons, his self esteem is slowly draining.

"I know it all comes back times three That human, that demon showed me How it ends when you treat your friends like foes So don't come looking for me I've got my walls up now Protect myself like a fortress And I'm on my own now"

Despite being a potential "friend" to Simon, he was treated like a foe, a vehicle for Simon to put his own insecurities and fears into. In this case, a demon literally showed him the consequences of being viewed this way. Now that he has been shown what could happen when he is vulnerable, he builds his walls to make sure that this never happens again.

"No, I can't sleep, baby And waking up is just a dream My sadness has lost its cause And I'm suffocating So don't come looking for me I've got no joy to lend Protect myself like a fortress Isolating, bridge withdrawing Isolated, I can't take it"

The only thing keeping him going is his strong sense of justice. He knows he doesn't belong where he is, but his feelings of sadness is weighing him down. Even knowing this, he can't shake the trauma of what happened to him, keeping him afraid of change and growth. He felt alone for so long, and this feeling may have been what lead him to come back to the school where his trauma originated. To be surrounded by people in a familiar place while still being able to prove to himself that he had built a fortress around himself that prevents vulnerability.

Track 4: Run Boy Run by Woodkid

While other character's are trapped in their rage or selfishness, Edwin is always running. This constant running makes it so he doesn't truly belong anywhere.

"Run boy run! This world is not made for you Run boy run! They're trying to catch you Run boy run! Running is a victory Run boy run! Beauty lays behind the hills"

This stanza represents his escape from hell, and in this case, running was a victory. It represented his sense of justice and resolve for better.

"Run boy run! This ride is a journey to Run boy run! The secret inside of you Run boy run! This race is a prophecy Run boy run! And disappear in the trees"

However, this running becomes an aspect of Edwin's character that holds him back, as he runs from his inner self and desires. He holds secrets and runs from them, failing to confront others and himself. Instead, he chooses to "disappear" into his work and his purpose. This race is a prophecy about his fatal flaw.

Track 5-9: Limbo

Track 5: First Light by Hozier

This song is my interpretation of Edwin's experience when he met Charles, its counterpart is In a Week by Hozier (Feat. Karen Crowly) on Charles' playlist. Freshly escaped from hell, looking for purpose and walled off from the world and himself, meeting Charles and being able to guide him towards a gentle death allows him to find a new purpose: solving mysteries and being the one to bring the closure that people need.

"One bright morning changes all things Soft and easy as your breathing, you wake Your eyes open, at first a thousand miles away But turning, shoot a silver bullet point-blank range And I can scarce believe what I'm believing in Could this be how every day begins?"

As Charles dies, soft and easy to Edwin reading, he wakes into his new existence and chooses to stay. Edwin thinks this moment is all that they will ever have, but Charles then chooses to stay with him. In disbelief, this begins to wake Edwin up from his anhedonia and despair.

"Like I lived my whole life Before the first light (Some bright morning comes) Like I lived my whole life Before the first light (Some bright morning comes)"

Ironically, as Charles dies, the sun is rising and ending the cold night. Death is described as going into the light, but in this case, Charles' death is the trigger that leads both of them away from the blue glow of death and towards a different kind of afterlife. Both of them died before they could truly live and be free of their traumas. But together, they may be able to overcome this injustice and become more than themselves.

Track 6: Fast Car by Tracy Chapman

The first song to appear on both Charles' and Edwin's playlist. To me this song represents the beginning years of the Dead Boy Detective agency. I will be analyzing this song through Edwin's eyes here. Fast Car is them tentatively believing that they could build something that matters while the shadows of the past seek to haunt them and rip them apart.

"You got a fast car I want a ticket to anywhere Maybe we make a deal Maybe together we can get somewhere Any place is better Starting from zero, got nothing to lose Maybe we'll make something Me, myself, I got nothing to prove"

Charles propositions Edwin, they both want to escape the situation they're in, and want to run from death. They started the agency from zero, and built their reputation over time.

"You got a fast car I got a plan to get us out of here I been working at the convenience store Managed to save just a little bit of money Won't have to drive too far Just 'cross the border and into the city You and I can both get jobs And finally see what it means to be living"

Edwin is the planner, the one who sorts the logistics and ensures that everything is in his place. I imagine he worked incredibly hard to be able to plan and set up the office and establish themselves as the boys begin to understand what they truly have together. He does this while constantly being under stress and on the run, a triumph of his mind.

"So I remember we were driving, driving in your car Speed so fast, I felt like I was drunk City lights lay out before us And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder And I-I, had a feeling that I belonged I-I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone"

They lived their lives constantly busy and on the run, with the city of London surrounding them. Edwin feels comforted by Charles, instead of afraid, and finally allows himself to believe that he could matter. In this environment he is in control, and no one can hurt him.

"You got a fast car I got a job that pays all our bills You stay out drinking late at the bar See more of your friends than you do of your kids I'd always hoped for better Thought maybe together you and me would find it I got no plans, I ain't going nowhere So take your fast car and keep on driving"

However, there are cracks in their relationship, and things that they are not honest about to each other. Edwin is incredibly afraid of change and people leaving him. He is set on staying put, while Charles yearns for something more than what he has.

"You got a fast car Is it fast enough so you can fly away? You gotta make a decision Leave tonight or live and die this way"

Even with these continuing tensions, they both continue to make the decision to keep running and leave death together.

Track 7: Working Man by Rush

For the next several decades, Edwin defines himself via his work. The agency has a higher purpose yes, but it is also a vehicle for Edwin to run from his emotions about his past, and from his developing feelings for Charles. Charles's counterpart of this is Post Humorous by Gus Dapperton, detailing his own coping mechanisms during this time. Working Man's repetition of words and verses creates the feeling of monotony, as Edwin's fear of change and obsession with work keeps him trapped in a state of limbo.

"Well, I get up at seven, yeah And I go to work at nine I got no time for livin' Yes, I'm workin' all the time"

As stated above, Edwin is a workaholic. He is constantly redirecting conversations from that of people's feelings to the case at hand. This is particularly salient within "The Case of the Two Dead Dragons" episode, even stating at one point that the case caused way too many feelings, and they should refocus on work. He doesn't have the time for feelings is his rationalization for that fact that he isn't allowing himself to truly thrive, rather to merely survive his continued existence.

"It seems to me I could live my life A lot better than I think I am I guess that's why they call me The workin' man"

People push him to change, and in the first episode Charles is even trying to encourage him to learn self defense. But it wasn't until when the Cat King points out all that he is lacking that he for once is confronted with this fact and cannot deny his stagnation. At this point, he is willing to lose pleasure and joy in exchange for the comfort and safety of repetition and work.

Track 8: Somewhere Only We Know by Keane

The second song to appear on both Edwin and Charles' playlists. Charles and Edwin are each other's safety, best friend, and purpose. They are the only ones during this period that can understand the other's situation and motivation, and through this forged a bond that could last for eternity. However, there are issues threatening to rot their relationship from the inside out.

"I walked across an empty land I knew the pathway like the back of my hand I felt the earth beneath my feet Sat by the river and it made me complete"

They both felt like they new each other like the back of their hands,even though it was revealed throughout the show that they did not. Even though their existence was monotonous, they made each other feel whole and complete. Their relationship grounded each other in their existence.

"Oh, simple thing, where have you gone? I'm getting old, and I need something to rely on So, tell me when you're gonna let me in I'm getting tired, and I need somewhere to begin"

Edwin yearns for things to remain simple, and as he is much older and wearier than Charles, he is looking for someone to rely on to never hurt him like others have in the past. Charles, on the other hand, is getting tired of their existence, and wants something new.

"This could be the end of everything So, why don't we go somewhere only we know? Somewhere only we know Somewhere only we know"

While these tensions in their relationship keep accumulating, it is certain that the boys both love each other and are willing to work out their issues once they finally are able to communicate them.

Tracks 9-13: Purgatory

Track 9: Everybody's Changing by Keane

Back to back Keane. However, this song represents the inevitable change in Edwin's existence, brought into fruition by Crystal joining the agency. He is deeply resistant and afraid of this change, and resentful at Charles for welcoming and encouraging it.

"You say you wander your own land But when I think about it, I don't see how you can You're aching, you're breaking And I can see the pain in your eyes Says everybody's changing and I don't know why"

Edwin cannot comprehend allowing risk into their lives, no matter how much either of them are stifled and hurting. He can't see beyond his own trauma in order to empathize with the reasons why Charles may want a change.

"So little time Try to understand that I'm Trying to make a move just to stay in the game I'm trying to stay awake and remember my name But everybody's changing and I don't feel the same"

Crystal burst into their lives with such force, and Edwin feels like he can't control his environment. In order to outrun death and outrun hell, he is constantly making plans and moves in order to just keep things as they are. He has been working so hard to maintain the status quo that leaving for a new place like Port Townsend with a stranger to save another living person terrifies him.

"You're gone from here, soon, you'll disappear Fading into beautiful light 'Cause everybody's changing and I don't feel right"

Edwin is deeply fearful that Charles and him will be separated, but he is also resentful that while Charles will be greeted with Death's beautiful blue light, he will be damned to hell again.

Track 10: Heather by Conan Grey

Edwin is jealous of Crystal and Charles' relationship, and while he is cognizant on some level that is due to romantic jealousy, he consciously rejects this truth.

"I still remember the third of December, me in your sweater You said it looked better on me than it did you Only if you knew how much I liked you But I watch your eyes as she Walks by What a sight for sore eyes Brighter than the blue sky She's got you mesmerized while I die"

Charles and Edwin have so many memories together, being best friends, but Edwin feels more than that. Witnessing Charles be mesmerized by Crystal cuts him to the core as Charles is willing to even risk Death and afterlife consequences by becoming entangled with the living. The change she brings is sore for both of them, as Edwin feels pain from it, while Charles desperately wanted her to stay.

"Watch as she stands with her, holding your hand Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder But how could I hate her? She's such an angel But then again, kinda wish she were dead as she Walks by What a sight for sore eyes Brighter than the blue sky She's got you mesmerized while I die"

Edwin suppresses his feelings towards Charles as he watches him and Crystal, continuing to put his walls up. He acknowledges that she is incredibly valuable as a part of the agency, and also begins to care for her in her own right. However, that doesn't stop him from his "illogical" feelings that she should still leave.

Track 11: Why Can't I Fall in Love by Ann King

As Edwin continues to grow closer to Niko and Crystal, he begins to acknowledge his feelings towards men. However, he still can't process his feelings for Charles specifically.

"If you told me last year I never would have believed you London streets, no tears It’s been way too long Different season, same town Lost myself in the hand me downs"

Edwin is acknowledging that he is happier and better due to the changes of his life. His melancholia that he hasn't been acknowledging is beginning to shift, he is beginning to realize that he has been suffocating himself due to his routine in London.

"Didn’t think I’d make it out Oh, the air feels lighter now But I’m still on my own Why can’t I fall in love ‘Cause I try, but I never feel enough Knew I had to change To find my own way Maybe that’s the price I paid ‘Cause I try, but I never fall in love"

I imagine this song as him telling Niko his feelings about love. He once again acknowledges that he feels lighter and more joyous with his friends in his life, especially Niko. He knew that in coming from his traumatic past he had to build himself up and put himself back together, but potentially at the cost of bodily desire.

"Sun came back around The grass is greener now The storm left me stronger So let the rain fall down I lеarned to love clouds With my feet on the ground I don’t havе any regret I’m happy where I am at"

Being able to go on date with Monty via Niko's encouragement, he doesn't understand why even after opening himself up and taking this first huge step, he can't feel what he is meant to feel. He is becoming happier in other aspects of his life, not regretting letting Niko and Crystal in, but that isn't enough, and he still can't seem to fall in love.

Track 12: Jenny (Acoustic Cover) by Studio Killers

After his conversation with Monty, Edwin is finally able to acknowledge his true feelings. I chose the acoustic cover for this playlist as I feel it better matches Edwin's demeanor/vibe.

"I wanna ruin our friendship We should be lovers instead I don't know how to say this 'Cause you're really my dearest friend"

Edwin acknowledging his feelings for Charles sets himself up to lose a lot. Charles is his best friend and intertwined with his purpose for existing. Their bond means everything to him.

"Jenny, take my hand 'Cause we are more than friends I will follow you until the end Jenny, take my hand I cannot pretend Why I never like your new boyfriends"

Able to understand his reasons beyond fear of change that he disliked Crystal and Charles together, Edwin gains more insight into himself.

"I wanna ruin our friendship We should be lovers instead I don't know how to say this 'Cause you're really my dearest friend Oh, your love for them won't last long We should be lovers instead Oh, your love for them won't last long 'Cause you really are my dearest friend"

This song represents Edwin's potentially selfish desires to have Charles all to himself, but by being able to acknowledge these feelings, Edwin begins the process of dealing with them healthily.

Tracks 13-17: The Earthly Paradise

Track 13: Meltdown by Clint Mansell, Kronos Quartet

Ironically, Edwin's first step to release himself from purgatory and reach towards self actualization is to be sent back to hell. I once again chose a song from the Requiem for a Dream soundtrack. In this case, I chose it mostly because when I was younger, I heard this song and thought "this is what hell sounds like". The horrendous clanging, the discordant sounds. This song doesn't have a slow build up, Edwin is immediately thrust into his worst nightmare, the very thing that he has been running from this whole time. This song also has a frenetic energy that makes me feel like prey being hunted, with the climax being one's body being ripped apart. However, there are multiple times where the music reaches that terrible bang, indicating that Edwin must undergo this torture again and again.

Track 14: Re: Stacks by Bon Iver

Edwin is able to unpack all the change and new revelations about himself as his worst fears are realized. He learns a lot about himself surrounded by books, which are sometimes referred to as "stacks", but for once it wasn't the information that the books contained that helped him overcome his trauma. Rather, it was the connection—however brief— that he formed with Simon within them.

"This my excavation and to– –day is Kumran Everything that happens is from now on This is pouring rain, this is paralyzed"

Edwin has been forced to see parts of himself that he is deeply uncomfortable with. His feelings for Charles, the fact that his reasons for doing detective work aren't entirely pure. Now in hell, all of these bad memories, as well as the endless terror falls on him like pouring rain. However, he is unable to leave or do anything to escape this fate, being paralyzed. And for once, he cannot run.

"I've been twisting to the sun I needed to replace And the fountain in the front yard is rusted out All my love was down in a frozen ground"

Edwin has been fighting against the inevitable change that comes with being in the world and not in the afterlife, realizing he has been denying himself love and keeping himself "frozen". Through his new friendships, he realizes he needs to make some changes within himself too. Niko was instrumental in allowing him to acknowledge this.

"There's a black crow sitting across from me His wiry legs are crossed And he's dangling my keys, he even fakes a toss Whatever could it be that has brought me to this loss?"

However, growth isn't always linear, and things don't always work how you want them too. Monty betrayed him, dangling a potential new relationship and path for growth. Simon appears before him, dangling before him all his most ugly vindictive impulses, and Edwin cannot save him.

"This is not the sound of a new man Or crispy realization It's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away Your love will be safe with me"

Despite all this, Edwin is able to acknowledge that he has been building walls for an incredibly long time. After meeting Simon he realizes he has also been in a hell of his own creation through his inflexibility, control, and fear. However, he is willing to let down his walls and let other people in, and to let life in as well. He is finally ready to tell Charles the truth. As such, all of Crystal's, Niko's, and Charles' love will truly be safe with him as he finally decides to face all the load that has been holding him back all these years.

Track 15: The Scientist by Coldplay

The first non-homophobic gay hell confession.

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry You don't know how lovely you are I had to find you, tell you I need you Tell you I set you apart

Edwin positions himself below Charles at first during his confession, unable to go any further and staying even deeper in hell. This could be due to his believe that his feelings are "wrong", as he is apologetic about them. But, it is also incredible growth as he is willing to remain in his worst fears and not willing to run away in order to be honest and true to himself. He is able to say plainly for the first time that he loves Charles, finds him beautiful and that he holds him in his heart more deeply than he ever imagined he could.

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions Oh, let's go back to the start Running in circles, coming up tails Heads on a science apart

Edwin acknowledges the secrets he's been keeping from Charles, holding themselves back from fully knowing each other. From the Cat King and onward, he is now willing to be completely honest. He also acknowledges that his fear of both his past and his future has been part of what kept them trapped in a circular path, unable to both grow and change.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures Pulling the puzzles apart Questions of science, science and progress Do not speak as loud as my heart But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me Oh and I rush to the start

Edwin used logic and work to keep himself from fully thriving, but now his feelings can't be ignored. He is able to admit to the person he cares about most that he wants to be loved, that he wants them to be together even though this is the most terrifying thing for him.

Nobody said it was easy Oh, it's such a shame for us to part Nobody said it was easy No one ever said it would be so hard I'm going back to the start

Now that he has spoken allowed his feelings and got his answer, Edwin is finally free to process his feelings and begin to move on to new love and new live, with his best friend by his side.

Track 16: That's What Friends Are For by Dionne Warwick, Elton John, Stevie Wonder, Gladys Knight

After all that he has been through, Edwin finally feels prepared to be fully himself, with his friends supporting him. He has finally stopped running from himself and is prepared to embrace his future and the change it will bring.

And I never thought I'd feel this way And as far as I'm concerned I'm glad I got the chance to say That I do believe I love you And if I should ever go away Well, then close your eyes and try To feel the way we do today And then if you can remember

In the beginning, Edwin went out of his way to be prickly and rude to both Niko and Crystal, as well as to the idea of Port Townsend itself. But now he is able to acknowledge his love for them and the happiness they bring him. They aren't his work colleagues, but beloved friends.

Well, you came and opened me And now there's so much more I see And so by the way I thank you Oh and then for the times when we're apart Well, then close your eyes and know These words are coming from my heart And then if you can remember

Niko and Crystal changed his life forever, and both in their own ways beginning to thaw him from the ice and dissociation that was keeping him miserable. Despite fighting against it so hard, he is grateful to them and the community that they have created together that allows him to be so happy and free.

Keep smilin', keep shinin' Knowing you can always count on me for sure That's what friends are for For good times and bad times I'll be on your side forever more That's what friends are for

Usually stoic and stiff, Edwin is able to allow himself the use of his body to express his emotions for the first time. He is an incredibly loyal person and now that he loves them, will stand by the group forever.

Track 17: The Foundations of Decay by My Chemical Romance

This song is found on all Charles, Crystal, and Edwin's playlists. This song discusses where the characters will go after Niko's death, and reflecting on what they've all learned so far.

See the man who stands upon the hill He dreams of all the battles won But fate had left its scars upon his face With all the damage they had done

All of the characters have been hurt and traumatized by their past, and sometimes it is not so easily healed. Their scars also kept them from truly connecting and communicating with each other. Niko was the one who united them all with her firm believe in love and hope, as well as her ability to listen to their deepest fears. For Edwin in particular, Niko's friendship was incredible important to him as her unconditional acceptance was so crucial in letting himself open up and face his feelings.

Let our bodies lay, mark our hearts with shame Let our blood in vain, you find God in pain Now, if your convictions were a passing phase May your ashes feed the river in the morning rays And as the vermin crawls, we lay in the foundations of decay

All of the characters were rotting in their own ways before they met each other. Charles was rotting in a silent rage, unable to truly confront his death and all that he lost, alongside how his parents continued on happy without him while causing him so much suffering. Niko was trapped in her room unable to connect with others in the world not just due to her sprites, but through her unhealed grief and fear. Crystal was suffocating in her selfishness and inability to love and be loved, as well as the abusive and neglectful relationships in her life. Edwin was rotting from his inability to accept change, letting the fear of his past control his life. His denial of himself and his desires lead him to be unable to grow and held him back from truly thriving in the existence he fought so hard for.

You must fix your heart And you must build an altar where it swells When the storm, it gains and the sky, it rains Let it flood, let it flood, let it wash away And as you stumble through your last crusade Will you welcome your extinction in the morning rays? And as the swarm it calls, we lay in the foundations

I believe the thesis of the Dead Boy Detectives, as well as this song, is the lyric "you must fix your heart". By allowing your old self to rot, you are able to confront your trauma and begin to heal and grow again. As the characters continue to confront their decay, they will hopefully continue to become more self actualized and healed.

[sspextkr]

snowed in - gerard/gn! reader fluffmas ao3

A snow storm blows out the power, leaving you trapped in an ATM vestibule with a certain celebrity crush of yours. (Heavily inspired by that one episode of FRIENDS ngl)

meet cute, plotless/mostly fluff, celebrity/fan dynamic, takes place in '07 read here on tumblr v or on ao3 (link above ^)

"5.. 10.. 15.. 20.. Good." You mutter under your breath, counting the amount you had pulled out from your bank account out loud. One week until Christmas, and there's still lots of shopping to be done. The last stop on your list for the night is a hole in the wall comic store for your younger brother, who's into all sorts of nerdy comic-y things. You have no idea what you're doing or what to get him- Maybe they'll have a cool figurine or something. They only take cash for some reason too, meaning you had to stop by and pull some out.

Although, you're also beginning to wonder if you should go home and do this in the morning- The snow is only getting worse by the minute, and you don't want to risk anything going wrong. The power could go out at any moment- knock on wood- and this vestibule isn't the comfiest. The ATM's are running smoothly, and the doors are functioning with no problem, so things should run smoothly.

You pocket your cash before walking to the front, and pulling the door handle. Clunk. It doesn't open. Maybe it's a push? Clunk. Not a push either. Just as you're about to give the door handle another tug, the lights flicker, before shutting off.

"... Shit-" You grumble, running a hand through your hair. Well, there go your plans for the evening. You spoke too soon, it seems.

“Aw, crap-” An awfully familiar voice sighs from behind you as well. “Guess we’re stuck.”

You only hum in agreement, turning around only to find yourself face to face with Gerard fucking Way.

…

“Holy shit.”

Like many of your friends, you had discovered My Chemical Romance in your late middle school/early high school years and became a massive fan, downloading every song of theirs you could find and buying as many magazines that had them on the cover as your parents allowed you too. Now, a little older and a bit more mature, you grew out of your phase, but the celebrity crushes still remained- Were they as intense as they were when you were 15? No, but certain photos did get your heart fluttering a bit.

Gerard pulled out his phone from the pocket of his trench coat, walking a few steps away before speaking. “Hi, yeah- I’m okay, I’m okay- The power went out and I’m trapped in the vestibule.” He paused. 

Right. You should probably call your own family and let them know where you are. You felt around your pockets, only to remember that you left it at home. Well, shit.

“No, I’m not alone..” Gerard glanced at you briefly. “I don’t know. Some guy.”

“Ha. I’m some guy.. What the hell is wrong with me?”

He spoke a few more brief words before hanging up, then awkwardly clearing his throat and turning back towards you, holding out his phone. “Do you wanna call anyone?”

You took his phone with an equally awkward demeanor, and dialed your moms number- You were supposed to drop by for a family dinner after a quick shopping trip, but the snow decided that you had other plans. After listening to it ring for a while, it goes straight to voicemail. Gerard gives you a sympathetic glance as he takes his phone back, putting it in his pocket.

"I just called my mom from Gerard fucking Way's phone, no big deal at all-" Secretly, you wished your cousin, Sabrina, had answered. She was supposed to be there, too, and was a massive MCR fan a few years ago like yourself. She would've been great to ramble with about this.

Neither of you spoke a word for the majority of the time, the only sound being the violent storm passing by outside. You decided to take a seat against the wall, awkwardly tracing the floor tiles. Gerard had a few other calls, some made and some received- It sounded like Christmas stuff, mostly.

"Busy?" You asked out of nowhere after his third call.

He gave a tired chuckle and nodded. "Yeah.. Christmas is always a big time of year for me. I'm.. I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or boasting, but I'm.. Sort of a musician. A bit big- Too big, if you want my opinion. Always some merchandise bundle scandal to deal with, or a tour that collides with vacation time-" Gerard paused, cheeks going slightly red with embarrassment. "I'm sorry, I'm rambling."

"No, no, it's okay. I asked, didn't I?" That seemed to calm him down a bit. "I've.. Heard of you before, I think. You're pretty good." 'Heard of you' was putting it lightly, but there's no way in hell you're going to come out as a superfan and risk embarrassing yourself in front of your teen hero.

"Ah.. Well, thanks. I appreciate it. Really." He smiled shyly, gaze still facing the ground. Your heart fluttered again. Jesus Christ. "What about you? You have anything going on?"

"I was supposed to be Christmas shopping. I came out here to pull out some money, but-" You gestured to the window showing off the blizzard outside. "Mother nature decided I had other plans."

"I get that." Gerard stepped closer to you, taking a seat beside you on the floor. Ho ho holy shit- "I wanted to do some shopping myself before I went home.. Came here to pull out some money. There's a comic store nearby that I like that only takes cash for some reason."

That caught your interest. "Spikes?"

He nodded, giving you another soft smile. "Yeah! You've been there?"

"Once or twice.." You brushed a loose strand of hair out of your face. "My brother is really into comics and superheroes and all that stuff.. I figured I'd stop by and see what I could find him. Too bad I don't know the first thing about comics."

"Lemme tell you, as a fellow comic book nerd, a figurine of his favorite character will probably make his day. D'you who or what he likes?"

"Uh.." You paused as you thought. "Really, really big on Iron Man. He can't wait for the movie to come out. Hasn't stopped talking about it since he saw the first few previews."

"Iron Man.." Gerard repeated softly. "Well, he's one of the most recognizable superheroes ever, so I have no doubt you'll be able to find him something Iron Man related. Figurines can get pretty expensive, though.."

".. Will $20 be enough?"

Gerard chuckled like you had just told him a joke. "If they're having a sale.. Maybe."

You chuckled as well, the sound cut off by a shiver running down your spine. With the power off, whatever heating units they had going was also off, and it was getting pretty cold. "You okay?"

You nodded, wrapping your jacket around yourself a little tighter. "I just get cold easily."

Gerard frowned, scooching to the side for a moment to take off his trench coat before settling it over your shoulders. "There."

You mumbled a small thank you, cheeks heating up to an embarrassing degree. Why were you so easy? Who gets flustered from someone giving you their jacket? Maybe since it's Gerard fucking Way-

The two of you continued to exchange a few words here and there, small talk turning into lighthearted and playful conversations. It was a little surreal getting to know him. Yeah, you had read all sorts of articles and watched all sorts of interviews, knew every song lyric by heart, and could drop so many of his iconic quotes into any conversation, but you were able to see who he was off camera. And who that was, was an adorable, loveable bastard with a passion for comics. Who knew he had such a sense of humor?

Your time together came to an abrupt end when the power flickered back on, the ATM’s came back to life and the door unlocked, finally. The both of you stood up, and you gave his coat back, not feeling quite as awkward or shy around him.

"This was a surprisingly good time." Gerard said after putting his coat back on, adjusting the collar around his neck. "Any chance I can get your number so we can meet up again?"

You blanked before nodding. "Uh.. Yeah, yeah.. Sure.."

Gerard smiled. "Awesome." He opened his contacts and handed you his phone, in which you typed your number in with shaking fingers. "I'll, uh, text you soon?"

"Yeah- Totally. I'm free besides the holidays."

"Great." He began to step away, walking towards the front door, before turning towards you at the last moment. "It was nice meeting you."

"Y-You too." And with that, he left. You found yourself needing a moment or two before you left yourself.

...

Sabrina’s never gonna believe this-

[chthonion]

oh let’s go, get tumblr-ask-gamed >:) would u pls talk more about the scene in anastasis in the soul forge where finrod and frodo have to donate their wounds? I adore that scene and re-read it often. How did you come up with the concept?

(Also if I can ask for a bonus: chapter 10 in the harrowing, please I wanna hear all your thoughts on that chapter)

OK WE'RE PUTTING A CUT HERE 'CAUSE I AM TOO WORDY FOR ANYBODY'S GOOD

The soul-forge scene and wounds as crafting material

This concept is actually a much-altered remnant of the original concept that eventually became Anastasis, the one I wrote down in, uh...January 2022? In fact, it's the first image I ever wrote down. Here's an excerpt from that starting note:

I have an image in my head...of [Celebrimbor and Frodo] seeking closure together, and together sinking into an endeavor that the Valar do not condone but dare not prevent: trying to mend that hurt by looking at it, by learning about it, by reaching out into the past and asking what Sauron was, who Sauron was. I have an image in my head of Celebrimbor saying gravely, May I borrow your wounds, Frodo? And reaching into Frodo’s wounded soul to extract the afterimage of Sauron, and combining it with his own horrifying afterimages of Annatar-and-Sauron, and forging the two together...

In the original note, Celebrimbor was going to forge something that was Mairon, working the remnants of those wounds backwards until they produced an echo of a pre-corruption version of the person he used to love, and from there he would be able to have a conversation and find some kind of closure. (It wasn't clear yet whether Mairon would remain dead or get resurrected somehow.) I like what ended up happening much better; moving forward is (at least in this particular case) a lot more interesting than moving backward.

Celebrimbor's putting his own wounds into that mix in that scene too, of course, but the focus ended up being on Finrod and Frodo. It's easy for Celebrimbor to put his own pain into something, but to borrow it from someone else, there needs to be an exchange. From Finrod he is getting a particular kind of pain that Sauron inflicted, but in the undercurrents of that moment he's also getting the specific nature of that defeat, the mind that went into it, the philosophies that backed it up, the person Sauron was when he struck Finrod down.

He could have asked Finrod to give him a glimpse of Sauron's song--it would have been much easier--but he would never ask for something that would hurt that much. He'll work with subtext instead. He's got the skill to make up the difference.

Two other things that I like about this scene:

Celebrimbor calling Finrod my lord. They have a pretty close relationship; there is absolutely no reason for Celebrimbor to do that, but he's making a point. He's making a point about his own allegiances; he's telling Finrod that he thinks Finrod is worthy of that title; he is, however obliquely, alluding to the fact that he wishes he'd been brave enough, at the time, to go with Finrod into the dark.

It's a good thing Frodo asked Finrod to sing afterwards. It was very healthy for Finrod, in that moment, to be reminded that song can be something simple and lovely offered to a friend in a bad moment--and to see the effect that his voice can have on others, in a loving context, and remember that it is more than his failure.

Chapter 10, aka Finrod's one and only attempt at revenge

Finrod did not get to voice his own grievances to the ghost of Sauron in Anastasis. I didn't know exactly why I did it that way, at first, but once I started The Harrowing it became pretty clear that there was a reason, and the reason is that saying his piece to a disembodied echo of his destroyer just--wouldn't have been what he needed.

The phrasing that he uses with Celebrimbor--permission to do something petty--is a direct callback to something Celebrimbor said to him in Anastasis:

“Finrod,” Celebrimbor says, “I beg you, allow yourself to be petty this once. You might find it very satisfying, and you will never again have a target that has earned it quite so thoroughly, so this is your chance to try it without guilt.”

He didn't feel a need, then; but now, faced with the literal physical incarnation of Sauron, he DOES feel it. He feels the fear, and the grief, and the pain, and this once, just this once, he needs to do something about it. And he's telling Celebrimbor, however obliquely, that he wants that opportunity after all.

Finrod does not like the way this interaction makes him feel AT ALL, but I maintain that it was as important and necessary as Annatar assumed that it was, and probably moreso. Finrod needed to see Annatar stumble, and to know that he made that happen. To know that Annatar is fallible, and capable of vulnerability, and that Finrod is capable of putting a dent in his equilibrium.

To give credit where credit is due: for a person three inches from having a complete and utter meltdown, Annatar accomplishes a LOT in this scene. He is pulling out all the stops, because he knows this is CRUCIAL to his possible future with Celebrimbor. He establishes that his priority is Celebrimbor's happiness, and that he intends to value Celebrimbor's friends deeply as part of that happiness. He also demonstrates that he's willing to sacrifice his own comfort for that goal, and the reaction he has to physical pain is far too raw and uncomfortable to be feigned.

His absolutely terrible poker face is also helping him demonstrate his sincerity, although he is not yet aware of this fact and would be horrified if he realized how transparent he is right now.

That terrible poker face is probably part of why Finrod is willing to commit to this (extremely weird) course of action. And then, of course, Sauron starts trying to make him feel better, and seems genuinely distressed about the prospect that it might not work, which is even weirder. Finrod did not previously know that it was possible to be confused out of a panic attack.

End results:

Annatar has learned some things about incarnation, and also he now feels a sense of responsibility for Finrod's general well-being, which he finds uncomfortable and stressful. (If he expected that feeling to abate, he was very wrong; it KEEPS GETTING STRONGER FOR SOME REASON.)

Finrod feels relatively satisfied that Annatar is serious about this, and this is the starting point that allows him to eventually interact with Annatar as a scared and confused person rather than as Sauron, Lord of Werewolves, which is in fact exactly what he needed, even if he hates how he got there and never wants to do it again.

This fic engages a lot with aspects of various characters that were not predominant in canonical events. Annatar's capacity for dedication to love; poor Elrond's capacity, under an inhumane amount of stress and pressure, to be a stressed and fallible person instead of a flawless paragon of kindness; Frodo's capacity to look his tormenter in the eye and go "Hmm, okay, now what?"

Everybody has capacities and aspects that they don't usually display or engage with. I think sometimes you NEED to see those parts of yourself, so that you can understand them and decide what they mean to you--and, in this case, so that you can give voice to your pain in the language it knows best, and learn from that experience.

[placebogirl7]

Kinoshita: Ren's assistant and "voice of conscience"

I decided to make an analysis about one of the most underrated character in Nana (also because he doesn't appear that much) but who I appreciate so much. Prepare yourself for a very long post to read because my beloved Kinoshita deserves it! ;) Kinoshita has been introduced as Ren assistant: his role is to drive Ren home when he's too tired, to remind him his schedule, to help him with whatever he needs. Kinoshita is also a big fan of Ren, so he's excited to have the opportunity to work with his idol. When we first see him in the manga, he's driving Ren home after a long day work. He's fashinated about Ren's expensive car and when Ren tells him that it's just a car and he doesn't matter about apprearance unlike Takumi, Kinoshita says to him that he's very talented and rich but he's not ambitious despite this. He also says that he let Takumi have control even his music and that it's when he plays punk music that he gives is best. Kinoshita is firmly convinced that Ren soul belongs to punk and that's the kind of music he should do. Probably in the old days he would have been a huge fan of former Blast! XD He sees the potential of Ren and he's aware that Takumi is "suppressing" it asking him to write songs more suitable for Reira's voice (which is definitely not punk).

At first Ren laughs about Kinoshita's words, because they just seems the words of an excited fan, but later he realized that maybe those words werent' that stupid. In fact, during a talk with Takumi, the latter says something that immediately make Ren remind of Kinoshita. Takumi basically confirmed what Kinoshita himself said before: Ren shows his best when he act like a rebel punk and he plays punk music. Can we just spend one minute looking at Ren's face expression in the last image of the panel below? He's smiling, but there's a sad expression on his face after he realized that Kinoshita's words were right. I think in that moment Ren realized what he had left behind and the fact that he's not free as he was in the past. He has to play the role of Trapnest's guitarist and he can't be anymore just Ren Honjo. Suddenly Takumi's kingdom was not so bright anymore compared to his own one little kingdom he abandoned.

So we can say that Kinoshita is the first one who really realized Ren's real potential and he has no fear to tell him directly.

Another thing that I appreciate about Kinoshita is exactly that he doesn't have fear to tell what he thinks and he has the courage to do it even about Takumi. Despite his evident bad attitude, nobody in Cookie staff has the courage to rebel against Takumi: they just wait for hsi orders and obey to them even if they don't agree. But one day, while talking to Ren, Kinoshita finally expresses what in my opinion is the thought of everyone: they are just little soldiers at the service of Takumi. He respects him and he recognize that he's an excellent business man, but he's not good when it comes to treat people in a decent way. He lacks of empathy and of other things on a human level. Even if Ren doesn't seem to appreciate this, I think Kinoshita was totally right and also I love how he feels at ease to confess to Ren his thoughts and opinion: he doesn't seem to simply consider Ren as an idol or a person he has to take care of but as a sort of friend to whom he can feel free to talk.

Later in the story, Kinoshita starts to re-evaluate Takumi after he found a solution to stop the scandal between Ren and Reira. He understands that Takumi actually cares about the band and its members and he carefully thinks about everything to avoid bad situations or loss that may bring damages to Cookie Music. Also, he doesn't see himself anymore only as Ren's assistant (like he has done until that moment) but he starts to see himself as a "vassal" of Trapnest, embracing Takumi's vision that he had criticized before. Ren is very happy to know that, look at his smile.

And now let's talk about Ren's drug addiction and how Kinoshita reacts to that. Of course Kinoshita knows about Ren's problem but he also knows he can't do a lot to be helpful. When Ren tries to get rid of all the cocaine he has but then starts to suffer from withdrawal, while they are driving to Cookie Music, Kinoshita notices that Ren doesn't feel good at all and tries to convince him to go to the hospital instead of going to work. Ren won't listen to reasons and yell at him to bring him at Cookie Music (knowing that Narita will give him drug). In the end Kinoshita obey to his order, but since he's really worried and not satisfied he later decided to call Takumi and inform him about Ren's conditions. Despite he doesn't like Takumi, he knows that he's the only one he can ask for help because Takumi has something he lack of: the power to find a solution even to the most complicated things. The binomial hate-admiration that Kinoshita has for Takumi is evident from the beginning to the end of the serie. I won't put images of the above mentioned scenes because Tumblr allows you to put only 10 images per post and I need to reserve the space for other images of more important scenes, but I'm sure you all remeber both the scenes I mentioned.

Another thing I want to point out is Kinoshita's vision about Nana and Ren's relationship. We can say that he has always been very considerate about their relationship and he never doubted even for a second that Nana wasn't sincere about Ren. He had understood from Ren that they truly loves each other and he sincerely wanted them to stay together. The little panel below is an example of this: Nana and Ren were having hard times and they rarely met each other. They had just found a new house but they couldn't spend time together in it and Kinoshita seemed to be very sorry because he saw how much Ren needed to stay with her.

Another scene were he demonstrates he cares for Nana and Ren's relationship is when Search publish that scandalous article and all the media start to talk about this, inventing fake things. Ren doesn't say a word and Kinoshita encourages him to do what he want, telling him that if he wants to spend good words about his girlfriend in front of the reporters, he won't prevent him from doing it. He says to Ren "follow what your heart tells you to do", which is the same thing that Yasu himself had told him in the bathroom during the Trapnest Vs. Blast show, when they spoke about Ren's drug addiction and Nana's hyperventilation attacks. Again, Kinoshita is acting like a supportive friend to Ren and not only as a mere assistant. When Ren refuses to do it and defines his old band members and friends (including his girlfriend) "old thrown away partner", Kinoshita seems shocked by that reaction. I personally was shocked too when I read it, because Ren really acted like a jerk in that moment. He put his career and Trapnest above his love and realtionship and friends, acting like Takumi would have acted, and so for Kinoshita (who in that moment still didn't appreciate Takumi for this) it must have been disappointing to see him acting in that cold way towards his lover and friends who were being accused.

Later, while Trapnest are in London, Ren realises that he acted like he didn't care and he reminds of Kinoshita's words (exactly like it happened when he told him he gave his best when he played punk music).

When Ren and Nana separate and Ren refuses to go fetch her because he feels ashamed to meet her and tell her about his drug addiction, Kinoshita takes the initiative and decide that if Ren needs to be encouraged to go to Nana, then he will be the person who will encourage him. He knows that Ren needs Nana and he hopes that reuniting with her could help him to feel better and convince him to stop taking drugs. While they are in Ren's car driving towards Cookie Music and Ren is talking about this with Hachi on the phone, Kinoshita asks him where Nana is in that moment and when he answers "Osaka", Kinoshita immediately change direction and starts to drive towards Osaka.

Again Kinoshita brings out his rebel side and affirms that he can't do what the staff expect him to do or follow Takumi's orders: he's convinced that he's doing the right thing (and he was definitely doing it in my opinion). He blames again Takumi and his way of handling the situation, knowing that what Ren needs is professional help and a break to recover, but Ren suddenly brings out the reality of the fact: he's not disappointed by Takumi or the staff, he's disappointed by him, his own hero, the idol he estimates so much. Kinoshita doesn't know what to answer, he doesn't want to hurt Ren and probably he doesn't want to admit to himself that Ren is right. In the last scene of the panel below, Kinoshita's expression is very sad because he realized that there's nothing he can do anymore to help Ren. He did his best but he failed. I think it must have been hard for him to realize that.

I think we can make a comparison here: Kinoshita has always idealized Ren exactly as Nobu did. They both saw Ren has an invincible hero, a perfect creature to admire and they wish to be like him, but then they realized that not all that glitters is gold and that Ren wasn't as perfect as they saw him. He was actually more fragile then them and they feel powerless because they knew they couldn't do anything to help him. When you idealize a person so much and then you discover that person isn't as you saw him/her, then you feel disappointed and that's what happened to both Kinoshita and Nobu.

Last but not least, after Ren's death Kinoshita tries his best to complete what Ren has left incomplete. His thoughts aren't for Trapnest's future or Cookie Music or for his work: his thoughts are for Nana, just like the last thoughts of Ren were. Kinoshita's mission is to be a sort of "emissary" who has to bring to Nana the feelings Ren was going to express her, his last words, his thoughts for her. The scene below is so sad but I love it, it's one of my favorite in the manga. Looking at Kinoshita crying while saying that "Please, accept it" breaks my heart evry time. He's literally begging Nana to take that present which Ren wanted to give her but didn't manage to, he wants Ren to be happy wherever he is in that moment, knowing that his wish has been fulfilled.

So, after all this recap of Kinoshita's moments, I think we can say that he's not only a mere assistant for Ren, but he's also a friend. His feelings for Ren are sincere, he doesn't praise him because he wants to keep his work, he praise him because he sincerely admire him. Kinoshita knows Ren needs and try to help him as much as he can, not only with his work but even more with his personal life. And if we consider all the times he has said something and Ren hasn't taken him seriously, but later realized how much he was right, we can say that Kinoshita's role in the story is to be Ren's "voice of conscience", that voice we all have inside us that says to us what is the right thing to do (but we often ignore it like Ren did). Kinoshita is a sort of mixture between Yasu and Nobu: he gives Ren the same advices as Yasu would have given him and he admire him like Nobu did. I think this is a good thing for Ren, because now that he's not a member of Blast anymore he doesn't have much time to see his old and true friends (not that Naoki and Reira aren't his friends but...well, in my opinion they can't be compared to Yasu and Nobu), so having Kinoshita near is like having a part of his friends with him all the time.

I hope this super long post hasn't annoyed you and I hope now we can all love Kinoshita together because he deserves a lot of love for what he did ♥.

Nana Week 2021 Day 1 Prompt: side character

[caramelcal]

heartbreak girl

Word Count: 2.7k

a/n: ik i have requests to write (i am writing them don’t worry !) but i got super inspired when i was listening to my bbys 5sos

the luke hemmings / luke patterson comparison videos ive seen are my favourites, love it when two fandoms collide lollll

disclaimer: i do not condone plagiarism on my work at all, this has not been posted on any other platforms, or on tumblr anywhere else but my account (rosemoonmist) if you see anyone plagiarizing mine (or anyone else’s work for that matter) please inform the rightful author ! thank you lovelies x 

masterlist

You call me up It's like a broken record Saying that your heart hurts That you'll never get over him getting over you And you end up crying And I end up lying 'Cause I'm just a sucker for anything that you do

You couldn’t stop playing the video. Ever since it was sent you from a random number, you couldn’t stop crying. The video was barely ten seconds long, but it was ten seconds that broke your heart. There your boyfriend was, clear as day, kissing a girl that wasn’t you.

It isn’t long before you heard the front door open and slam behind someone, reminding you of who you told to come over. Luke, your best friend since you guys met in the sandpit at six years old. When he accidentally pushed you in, so you kicked him in the nuts. You guys had been inseparable ever since.

Luke was your best friend, and you were his. You guys had been through everything together. When he first learned guitar, when you did gymnastics, when he joined a band, when you guys first went to high school, and now, your first heartbreak.

“y/n?” He calls from downstairs, looking around the dark room. He had learned from a young age to just come into your house without knocking, your house was his second home after all.

Of course, you do have a few female friends that you could have called but none of them knew you as well as Luke did and you knew Luke would be there with you through everything. He would understand. He would comfort you better than any girl ever could. You walked down the stairs, trying to keep your sobs in but once you caught eyes with Luke, the tears started to fall.

“Luke,” You let out, looking at the boy barely keeping yourself together.

“y/n/n, what’s wrong?” Luke questions, eyes wracking over your defeated posture before looking up at your puffy red eyes. It was clear you had been crying, but why?

“He- he-,” You cut yourself short, letting back a choked sob as you land at the bottom of the stairs, Luke walking closer to you, his face looking at you with concern, “Luke he was with another girl, he cheated-”

Mind wracking back over the video, you broke down into tears, falling into Luke’s now open arms. Suddenly, once you're in the arms of your best friend all of your walls come crashing down and you start to cry louder, letting out every emotion you felt that night. The sadness, betrayal, and overall heartbreak.

Luke holds the back of your head soothingly as you cry into his chest, playing softly with the hair on your head. By this point, he is supporting all of your weight but he doesn’t mind as he lifts you over to the couch, allowing you to continue crying in a more comfortable position than the awkward standing position you were in moments before.

Whilst Luke was sad hearing you cry, he was overcome with anger.  The fact that the scum would cheat, on you of all people. You were amazing, perfect even, so why would someone ever give away the chance of being with you? He knew he wouldn’t. Luke knew how much you loved and cared for the boy, Jack, and to see him cheat on you, he couldn’t help but be furious.

If he was being honest, the thing he wanted more than anything right now was to hook him right in the face. Punch him right where he stood, busting open his face so that no other girl would ever want to kiss him again. It’s what he deserves. Luke knew he was probably being a bit overprotective, but that didn’t matter to him, what mattered was that you were okay right now.

The last thing you needed in your state of fragility was Luke leaving you by yourself to set into the dickhead. Oh no, that could be done another time when you weren’t crying. What you truly needed right now was his comfort, so that’s what he gave you. He held you close, not even saying anything but hugging you closely, silently reminding you that he was here for you and always would be as you softly lulled into a sleep.

And when then phone call finally ends You say "Thanks for being a friend" And I'm going in circles again and again

I dedicate this song to you The one who never sees the truth That I can take away you hurt Heartbreak girl Hold you tight straight through the daylight I'm right here, when you gonna realise That I'm your cure? Heartbreak girl

Walking down the hall, Luke’s eyes catch onto you. Even though he’s been with you all weekend, comforting you after the video you saw on Friday, just looking at you is a sad reminder of how you are doing. A frown has fallen onto your face whilst you look over at something. Following your gaze, Luke finds him, Jack, with his arm wrapped around the girl in the video.

He wants to punch that stupid smirk off Jack’s face, then they’ll see who’s truly laughing. When Luke’s eyes drift back over to you, he feels his stomach dropping slightly. The look in your gaze makes you look broken, eyes conveying a sense of vulnerability that Luke didn’t think was possible. Maybe it’s just because Luke knows you better and knows how to read you better than everyone else, but he notices all of the changes in you. He sees how your eyes lacked the sparkle they usually had, your usual smile not present, even your outfit seemed a little dull. Nonetheless, you’re still gorgeous, Luke thinks so, but you look different; less lively.

All of this heartbreak just because of a stupid boy. One stupid hard-headed jock that doesn’t know how to truly value the important things in his life. The stupid jock that didn’t know how much you were truly worth.

Luke knows he could treat you so much better if you just gave him the chance to. If you looked his way instead of Jack’s. He would hold you close and never let you go, let you know just how much you meant to him and those truly important around you. He would watch you like the only person in the world because you were the only one that mattered. 

He doesn’t even realize he was staring at you until he hears a cough sound from behind him as Reggie puts an arm over his shoulder, smirking, “You’re staring, pal.”

Luke, who’s eyes briefly glanced over towards Reggie when the bassist spoke, glanced back at you quickly, sighing lightly in relief when he realizes you didn’t notice him staring at you. He shrugs half-heartedly, not noticing the knowing look that Reggie gives him as he speaks, “I can’t, Reg. I’m not supposed to like her like this, she’s my best friend.”

“Best friend or not, I see the way you look at her, everyone does but her,” Reggie says before patting his friend on the back.

“She still likes him Reg, and I’ve known her since we were six. She’s been in so many relationships yet she fell for the stupid jock,” Luke says, shaking his head as his fists clench at his sides. He doesn’t realize but his face contorts into anger, making Reggie smirk, “she deserves so much better. She deserves someone who’s going to appreciate her. Someone who will show her how much she means to them-”

“Someone like you?” Reggie asks, making Luke glance at him with an annoyed expression, huffing. Reggie shrugs his shoulders, “Just saying man if anyone knows y/n it’s you. You just gotta be there for her and she’ll realize how much you mean to her. I mean, everyone thinks you guys are meant for each other, soon she’ll see that too.”

I bite my tongue But I wanna scream out You could be with me now But I end up telling you what you wanna hear But you're not ready And it's so frustrating He treats you so bad and I'm so good to you, it's not fair

And when the phone call finally ends You say "I'll call you tomorrow at 10" And I'm stuck in the friendzone again and again

Luke is frustrated. It has been two weeks since his conversation with Reggie, and the hope Reggie had given him for pursuing a relationship was surely fizzling out. Reggie was wrong, that’s what Luke thought anyway. Not only had you not realized how much Luke was bending his back for you, going out of his way to comfort you, being there for you 24/7, you had been so utterly stupid. Jack had given you the most insincere apology known to man, and you were meeting up with him for a date.

It had been forty-seven minutes since you had left, not that Luke was counting or anything and he still hadn’t heard a word from you. No text, no call, nothing. Jack was probably taking up all of your attention with his boring jock stories or his lame jokes. He probably didn’t even compliment you when you arrived and that was practically criminal.

You had been all dressed up when you left, not that Jack would have even noticed, but Luke did. He noticed the way the outfit you wore looked perfect on you, complimenting everything about you and most importantly, how confident you felt in it. You deserved more than a boy that wouldn’t even tell you that you were pretty, Luke knew that, he just wished you did too. 

He paces around his room, feet aggressively hitting the ground. He wanted to punch something, to let out all of the anger and frustration that was itching, begging to be released. Yet, his anger was cut short when he heard his phone start to ring.

“Hello?”

“Lu?” Your voice sounded through his phone, ringing in his ears.

“Y/n?” Luke said in confusion, eyes glancing up at the time, “Aren’t you supposed to be on your date?”

You hesitate to answer, a complete silence hanging in the air until your light sniffles sound through the phone, “He didn’t show, Lu. M-My mom dropped me off, I don’t have my car. Can you come pick me up?”

“I’ll be there in 10, stay there y/n/n.”

Luke ran out of the house.

I dedicate this song to you The one who never sees the truth That I can take away you hurt Heartbreak girl Hold you tight straight through the daylight I'm right here, when you gonna realise That I'm your cure? Heartbreak girl

I know someday it's gonna happen And you'll finally forget the day you met him Sometimes I'm so close to confession I gotta get it through your head That you belong with me instead

Luke couldn’t help but smile at you, hazel eyes meeting your e/c eyes as he strung his guitar expertly. It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence for you to be at band practices, actually, you were at a large amount of them. It was normal for you to watch the band, well that’s what you said you were doing, but you were only really looking at Luke.

You didn’t play any musical instruments properly, but you could play a little guitar from what Luke had taught you. You remembered his teaching you, arms wrapped around you, hands guiding your fingers onto the different frets, playing different cords. He didn’t give up when you messed up, and instead, he smiles and shows you again, your back flushed against his chest.

It was no secret that you always enjoyed watching their band practice and perform, but it was different this time because they had gotten you to stop thinking about Jack. This was the first day that you didn’t feel miserable and instead felt happy in their presence. It was the first day that your gleaming smile returned, one that all members of the band had missed.

Soon enough, they were finished, congratulating each other on how well they played with large smiles.

“We’re gonna sound great at the rally!” Reggie says, flipping his bass down to his side so he didn’t have to hold it as he gave Luke a high five before turning to Alex, all of them breathing heavily with huge smiles.

“Of course, we’re still finishing with the other song, right?” Alex asked, eyes looking over at Luke for approval. He nodded his head, making you look at them in confusion.

“What other song?”

Luke glanced over to you, walking closer before kneeling beside you, guitar still in his hand, smirking “Can’t tell you, it’s a surprise.”

You groaned lightly, flinging your head back before giving the boy your puppy eyes, “Please? I won’t tell.”

He laughed lightly, shaking his head at you. Over the years, he had often been the victim to your puppy eyes, and whilst he often found them irresistible, he knew he couldn’t tell you this secret. He playfully slapped you on the arm, “Get those puppy eyes away, they’re not gonna work today.”

“Fine,” you grumbled, standing up before you stood up alongside Luke, who slung an arm over your shoulder. You guys shared a look, almost communicating through your eyes, something that you guys had gotten freakishly good at since you were kids.

“So, who wants to go grab a smoothie?” Luke said, turning his attention towards the rest of the band as you jumped on his back, ready to leave practice for smoothies.

I dedicate this song to you The one who never sees the truth That I can take away you hurt Heartbreak girl Hold you tight straight through the daylight I'm right here, when you gonna realise That I'm your cure Heartbreak girl

Soon enough, the rally at school came and the students surround the stage that the band was playing on. You stood at the back, proudly watching them as they played. Their most recent song blasts through the halls, exciting the students more than you had seen for the previous people on stage, even Dirty Candy. Sweat drips off of them, lights blazing down on them with intensity.

Eyes looking at Luke, you see him jump around when he sings and it brings a smile to your face. You knew this was their surprise song, the song that they were ending with because it was an unfamiliar tune, but one that Luke was pouring every feeling into as he sang the lyrics.

Suddenly, he’s no longer playing his guitar and it’s hanging on the strap by his side, mic detached from the stand and he’s making his way off of the stage and running through the crowd. You’re astonished, not only because Luke is running off stage, but that it somehow isn’t affecting his vocals.

Everyone seems to knowingly make a path for him to run through, almost as if they know where he is going to. Your eyes stay on him as he comes through the crowd, slowing down to a walk as he begins to sing again,

“I dedicate this song to you The one who never sees the truth That I can take away you hurt Heartbreak girl

Hold you tight straight through the daylight I'm right here, when you gonna realise That I'm your cure? Heartbreak girl.”

His eyes meet yours when he is standing barely feet away from you. His hair is messed up, dripping with sweat but you barely notice. When he stops singing, he lifts the mic away from his face and holds it down away from both of your faces so that it can’t pick up what you’re saying.

People start to talk between themselves, all of them staring at you and Luke standing barely a foot apart, eyes gazing into one another but you don’t notice because you’re too busy looking at Luke. You’re speechless, heart racing faster than you thought humanly possible, with lips slightly apart before he whispers to you, “This is for you, my heartbreak girl.”

Then, his free hand makes its way up and cups your cheek, and his lips connect with yours.

[lysershine]

@willwoodimagines​ lore timeline (what is my life)

So firstly, a fuckin massive thank you to @hotsinglelemonsinyourarea​ because I cannot do this shit alone and he’s helped me compile all of their old posts because I, apparently, underestimated how long they’ve been doing this. So from this point forward, I’m assuming nothing is a joke. Here we go!!

I am so sorry. Let’s do this.

So earliest posts that are likely lore come from around April the 9th. This post is a conversation seemingly between Three and One where Two is gone on a road trip, -- although it might not Actually Be A Road Trip, -- and then One tells everyone to stop acting like Two is dead, because he’s not. Which, fair enough, although later in the conversation, Two replies and seems to invent that he’s at the beach, probably to calm down the people speculating about his whereabouts. I am Anything But Calm. 

There’s also this post, presumably from One or Three but it’s hard to tell cuz Three didn’t start signing posts until much later and they type pretty similarly, where they tell us we should be grateful for them feeding us and keeping us warm, and it’s tagged with ‘#I wish I was warm.’  

So here’s where stuff gets very interesting! Backstory, people! In this post, we start to see some pieces put together. The imagine reads:

IMAGINE: Will Wood invites you into his home for an exclusive performance of I/Me/Myself. You are so excited! But then, he asks you to come down into his wine cellar, explaining that his keyboard is down there. You go down there hesitantly. You don’t realize for several minutes that he did not follow you down here. The only things here are a laptop and a sticky note with the words “POST IMAGINES” written in sharpie. You are so afraid and attempt to leave the way you came in but the door is gone. You are trapped. It is so cold and you just want to see your family again.

So that’s horrifying!! But it gives us insight into how the mods were probably captured and why they’re running this blog. It’s a great blog. 10/10, doesn’t make me solve codes. Oh wait. 

After that post, -- which I am assuming comes from Three, -- we’re treated to a bunch of morse code that the wonderful Nigel was kind enough to translate for me:

They then added in a reblog, “It seems I have made a typo! I meant mod 1 won’t let me speak, I am mod 3.” So, it seems like One is trying to quiet any cries for help.

This is shortly thereafter followed by this post from the 11th, and to quote directly, it says:

IMAGINE: Inside of the cellar basemeant, there is a suit. It is tempting but Weill said you are not allowed to touch. YOu know you want to. Touch it. he is guarding it. he is hiding something. follow for more will woof imagines.

So that’s riddled with typos, and if you stick them all together you just get eeOf so I’m gonna assume that all this means is that this post is courtesy of Two. There’s also a skeleton circled so maybe Will has previous victims or something? Who knows.

On the 12th, we have a couple posts, one about being in Will’s basement and watching him cosplay the onceler, another about Will being vaguely inhuman. Don’t know how important that is but I’m gonna make note of it anyway, because Will being inhuman especially might make sense for some stuff.

The next seemingly important post is this one:

So this one is probably about Two, my evidence being this post and the fact that, following this, Two gets significantly worse at spelling and more confused about what’s going on with their captivity. My best guess is that Two gets in trouble either for the lack of imagines OR they did touch the suit from that earlier imagine and now they know something that they shouldn’t. Either way, Will takes him away and brainwashes??? Lobotomizes??? Bite of ‘87s???? Idk???? I’m gonna go with lobotomy, it seems the most accurate to Two’s behavior from here on out, I really have no idea but he comes back Very Different. And in the tags it says ‘Laplace’s Angel 2:14!’ and the line at that time is “Somebody, help me!” so you know, pretty straightforward cry for help. 

Though it makes me think that in the cellar, they are probably limited to interaction with only things directly connected to Will Wood, which is why “as a treat” they watch the documentary and they communicate with his music like this. They’re not allowed any media other than his. 

Anyway, here’s an important note: From this point forward, Two is an unreliable narrator. Everything he says from here on out should be taken with a pillar of salt. (H.A.L.T., it’s not my fault!) 

So with that in mind, the next post of importance is this one, a conversation that goes Three, One, and then Two. Two says Will let them watch the documentary as a treat, One tells them to stop making it seem like Will is holding them captive, and Three just says “movee :-)”. Which, fair enough.

The next posts that are worth noting are this one, where Three simply says “mental anguish” and One shuts them down saying that no one on the blog is experiencing that, and threatens them in the tags, and then this one where someone is being silenced.  

There’s this post, which in the website version of their blog links to itself, I don’t know how or why or if that matters but if someone figures something out with that, please let me know. There’s also this imagine, which is about bodyswapping with Will -- storywise, I don’t think this is something that really happens, -- but it’s tagged with ‘#I miss my family.’ So that’s Not Good.

There’s some posts in between solidifying that despite this wackiness, the mods are indeed still friends. And then we go straight back into absolute horror with this post:

And so evidently they are Less Than Okay and probably being held captive by Will Wood. It’s immediately followed by this morse code, presumably from Three because he seems to use morse where One uses binary, and when deciphered, it reads: “I am blinking. Hear my cry.” Three’s post is then followed by One trying to shush them once more, saying: 

“[W]e at Willwoodimagines would like to apologize for last night. We might have, perhaps, made it seem as if we are being held in a wine cellar against our Will (Wood), and that some of us have been down here for six years, and that we may miss our families, but I, Mod 1, would like to remind you that we are fine and need no help! Cheers!:) #We are NOT blinking. At all. #Not at all. No blinking from us! Blinking? Aha! Not at all.”

So what can be gathered from this is that they’re absolutely being held in Will Wood’s wine cellar, and some of them have been there for six years, and they miss their families, are NOT fine, definitely need help, and are CERTAINLY blinking. Also the random bolded letters spell “help” again.

Then there’s this post, which Nigel translated for me (ty man ily):

We also have this crudely-drawn map from Two, but it doesn’t seem to be related to anything. Anyway, the address is totally garbled, yep, but nonetheless if you put it into Google you get the address for a relatively poorly-rated landfill in New Jersey:

So clearly someone picked up on that, because then we have an ask from an anon who wants to know what the recycling situation is where they are being held. One seems very confused by this question, and Two pipes in saying that have a trashcan. Their confusion would make me assume this is the wrong address, but I don’t actually have to assume, because One(?) confirms it later with this post containing binary that can be translated to read:

“oh god the address was wrong i don't know where we fucking are help“

So you know, concerning! This is immediately followed by another ask, this one in binary. The conversation goes:

“Are you good?” “Absolutely not”

Which kinda speaks for itself. There’s also a quiz they made and I took it to see if there was any lore and uh apparently I’m most like One, so that’s poggers, I think? Idk there wasn’t any lore though. There is this post where Three says that Two’s favorite song isn’t a Will Wood song, and One threatens to knock them the fuck out, and I’m adding this as a point to my theory that they’re unallowed to consume media unrelated to WW. They make up though, so it’s fine.

It gets more quiet and more confusing for a while, Three saying “wake up” and this post being tagged with ‘#I’m cold and I am afraid.’ Two leaves again, Three goes quiet cuz they’re having a rough time, Two hates being smol-bean-ified and is behind held below One and Three, who seem to be in the same room? They’re also all starving, and Three could be an arsonist if you let them out.

Blah blah, they called me out and I cried about it, and NOW we’ve reached the 100-follower-special. Thank fuck.

Three posts this, it leads to binary, and that binary says:

“Listen carefully. The video that Will (Wood) be posted is extremely important. Do not skip it.“

This is immediately followed by this video of Two sprinting through the woods, presumably to freedom, if you read the tags. Three follows that with another post, saying “It has begun.” One shuts them down again in this post, but it links to binary that says:

“hello? can you read this? mod 2 is free! and hopefully will be coming back for us both. you all did absolutely nothing to help so i'm not thanking you for this. however i am thanking you for following us all! you've given us moral support thank you, mod 1“

As I’ve said earlier, I’m fairly certain that their captor is Will and he has access to this tumblr, which is why One especially is trying to be quiet about this. Like in this post where they apologize for the insanity on the blog, which links to binary, and it reads:

“we’re not in ddlc. i am not monika. listen to me closely. mod 3 and i are still stuck here. we have been posting cries for help for weeks. go look for them! they’re like easter eggs. just for you! thank you, mod 1“

DO I LOOK LIKE I’M COLLECTING EGGS YET??? DO I??????? Anyway, I got named the official lore account so now I’m fucking trapped here, and then we get some posts about how Two has made it to a McDonald’s.

Then One posts yet another apology, with two links. Link one directs you to a groupchat between the three mods, detailing Two’s escape and everyone’s very odd adoration for fast food. But then again, Three says they’ve been eating slop for a while, so. Fair enough. To bring back my old commentary about this, though; in this conversation there seems to be a bit of confusion over who exactly put them in the cellar where they’re captured, but as we saw earlier it was indeed Will Wood himself who is keeping them prisoner. However, Two also asserts that very soon he will be able to save One and Three, apparently with the help of Will? So there are two possibilities here:

1. Two is still an unreliable narrator, so it’s a possibility that his lobotomy or whatever has ruined his ability to perceive threats and he is being tricked by Will, who is indeed their captor, and will get thrown back in the cellar with the other two.

2. Something bigger than Will is controlling the situation. It makes no sense that all three mods would remember Will putting them in the cellar if he didn’t. So someone else could be controlling Will, I don’t know. They allude to a person from the documentary and initially I assumed it was Will but I actually haven’t seen the movie (shock and horror, I know, I’m sorry), so maybe it’s someone else and that’s the piece of the puzzle I’m missing? Idk, if you’ve made it this far and you’ve seen the documentary, check the conversation and let me know.

Link two leads to binary, and when translated it becomes:

“i do think it’s less endearing and more terrifying how people on a blogging website care more about my freedom than my own friends and family did i dont need to sign this. you know who it’s from“

Which, maybe, but I love ARGs and Nigel and I are already incredibly invested so whoops. Besides, who’s gonna do it if we don’t?

Anyway!!! I sent an ask in response to some of my confusion for the groupchat, and because One said to keep sending messages. One responded, and I was redirected to even more binary because of course! This time it says:

“THANK YOU FOR ASKING MOD 2 SAID THAT HE HAS INTERACTED WITH WILL. SO I DO NOT THINK WE ARE BEING HELD BY WILL HIMSELF. I BELIEVE MOD 3 KNOWS BUT WHEN I ASKED AGAIN HE JUST TOLD ME THAT IT WAS THE GUY FROM THE MOVIE. THIS WAS NOT VERY HELPFUL THANKS  MOD 1 P.S. THIS IS IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I'M VERY EXCITED!!” 

Then there were two posts in quick succession, the first one was a new puzzle type! Morse code! And grandma taught me that, so I can tell you it says:

“I think we posted an address once but it was wrong and we got caught doing it. I didn’t like that day. This entire computer has safety settings on it so I can’t just ??? (this looks like a keysmash or something to me?) stop writing. Hold on, I hear something.”

And I would’ve thrown it directly in a translator, but as One acknowledges in their next post with a link to more binary, I had to translate by hand because:

“well! you'll never guess what desktops do to morse code! we're back at binary! anyway. we did post an address but everything went wrong, i don't like thinking about that entire week, the pain was unimaginable! more importantly, though, i've asked mod 3 and he s hold on i think i hear something.“

That post was immediately reblogged with more binary that just says:

“well that’s not good”

Which is horrific!! So I sent an ask, like, ayo homie what the fuck, and I got a response! The text itself is just a dismissal that anything’s wrong, but the bolded text spells out “footsteps” so that’s terrifying! Also Two apparently slept in the McDonald’s parking lot and One slept in a sleeping bag in the cellar.

They posted that this morning when I started working on this post, -- I’ve been here for like eight hours now I think, -- and so I replied expressing my distress that they were active again and One responded with backwards text, which when read normally, says:

“Did you think we were going to sleep forever? The show must go on!”

Death undertones, I dig it.

Anyway, @hotsinglelemonsinyourarea​ my beloved asked why they were watching @emerald-whale​, and One hit back with binary that says:

“you don't think we're watching all of you? tell the lorekeeper to write this one down. sincerely, mod 1″

Which is fucking horrifying, but no worries One, I am writing it down!! I am making a whole ass fucking timeline!! Because I am but a humbled servant that kneels to whatever story you’re trying to tell here. :) Apparently. ::) I hate it here.

Anyway, an anon sent in an ask that is one of the funniest interactions ever:

“ooohhh pizza mozarella pizza mozarella rella rella oohh“

“alright no more lore for you guys until you learn how to behave”

And then Two felt like pitching in as well:

Now keep in mind all of this was posted very fast and I was writing this post, -- still am, whoops, -- so I sent this very stressed ask telling them to SLOW DOWN THE LORE PLEASE IM FUCKING PLEADING as well as asking each mod a question, and I got shot back more binary cuz they hate me but they did answer my questions so the conversation goes:

Me: “One, are you in the same room as Three? What about Two?”  One: “yes. no. i miss 2 dearly.” Me: “Two, who did you bite to get out? Two: “the  ghuy from the movee !!!!  i bit him and sstole hias phone!!!!!! his passw ord was "willwoodsux"  :-)” Me: “Three, how long has it been since you’ve consumed any media that isn’t WW related?” Three: “It’s only been a year since I entered the cellar, so not that long ago :-) Around July you're welcome, lorekeeper sincerely, the three mods

So to clarify what and why I was asking:

1. My theory about One and Three being together while Two is separate is confirmed, yay me! Kinda trivial but I want to understand what’s going on in the cellar, so that stuff makes sense in context.

2. I haven’t seen the Will Wood movie, so this means nothing to me! Lucky for me, I have a friend, @indubitablyswag​, who has seen it, so I asked them!

They have no fucking clue either!! So I will probably be renting that movie tonight, because this lore is worth money to me now, apparently, -- and I’ve been meaning to see it anyways. 

3. Three made a comment about having never seen Ratatouille, which Nigel thought tied into my theory that non-WW things weren’t allowed in the cellar. I think this confirms that, but it actually doesn’t excuse Three from not knowing Ratatouille because it came out much longer than a year ago. (Unless this ARG takes place in a different year? I’ll have to ask about that.)

Then there’s another pizza mozzarella whatever ask, but it’s okay cuz Two fucking murders them. 

I got my numbers screwed up and hurt One’s feelings, (IF YOU’RE READING THIS, ONE, IM SORRY, I MEANT THREE!!) something???? hurts, and I have wasted a solid nineish hours of my existence on this.

Then One gave me a whole ass heart attack by asking my favorite flavor of ice cream. (Theirs is birthday cake, apparently.)

I’m posting it before any of those fucks give me any more lore to add to this timeline because I’ve been here for like ten hours and I honestly just Can Not Keep Doing This, so I’ll be back with more theories later, -- especially after I’ve seen the movie. 

In the meantime, au revoir, I’m gonna go have a stroke. I hope you guys are pleased with your lorekeeper. Cuz if you’re not then literally what has this been for? :::))

[eagles-translated]

Answering Eagles questions before the season 3 finale (Part 2/2)

I've received a bunch of questions since 3x08 and 3x09 dropped, so I compiled all the questions into two posts. I had to split them up because Tumblr only allows 10 images per post. Anyway, keep reading to see my answers and enjoy! 👇

There might be some kind of collaboration between Amie and Ludde like last season—we have only heard snippets of Ludde's song submission to the music school and it wouldn't surprise me if we saw Amie perform the song in its entirety in the last episode. I touched on this a little in part 1 of answering these questions.

It seems like Amie singing at the end of the season has become kind of a recurring theme. She performed “Follow” in 1x08 and “Second Sight” in 2x10 (on the radio, but my point still stands). I wouldn’t be surprised if they followed this trend by having Amie perform a new song in the season 3 finale.

I'm not sure if she'll recommend Ludde to the record label, though. I honestly still feel like Amie's whole storyline with sending in a rather basic demo written by two teenagers with little to no experience and then getting praised on it with comments such as "it's going to be a real summer hit" felt so unrealistic to me. Maybe they only said that so Amie would accept their offer or something, but that's still very strange because she would have still said yes without a doubt.

I can understand that they thought Amie was marketable as a person and there was this bonus with her having gone viral before on Felicia's Instagram, but that demo did not seem good enough for me to be immediately released as a single and then have them decide on the spot that Amie would be given a contract.

I mean, come on. It never felt earned because we never really saw Amie struggling with her songwriting journey to achieve this dream. Sending in one demo to one record label and having them immediately want to make a whole album with you just doesn't happen in real life unless the song is extremely good or you have a very unique voice. Amie is really talented but there are hundreds of people just like her, if not thousands. I was never convinced by her getting signed so quickly in season 2.

I understand that they wanted to establish her as a successful artist, but that felt so rushed. I was so sure that the record label would screw her over and steal the song rights to record it with another artist who was already established, and that we'd have to see Amie work even harder to achieve her dreams. But we didn't get that at all. Where was the struggle?

Anyway, I'm getting a little off-topic here. To be honest I have a lot of problems with the writing sometimes, even if I still love the show and its characters. Of course I wanted to see Amie achieve success (and I was happy when she did), but the journey there was so bizarrely easy.

She didn't start to seriously work on making her music career become a reality until season 2. Amie had dabbled in music prior to that, like when she auditioned for the school band and did that performance of Follow, but she didn't truly start to work towards it until season 2 when she decided to have her work sent to professionals in the business. And then, just five episodes later, she gets contacted by the record label in Stockholm.

To put this into context—season 2 took place somewhere around March, and episode 5 around three weeks into April. So when Ludde first started helping Amie it took less than two months for her to get signed. You could argue that the song was just that good or that Amie is just that talented, but it never felt like a realistic storyline to me.

So, back to your question! I need to stop getting so sidetracked while answering these haha. I don't think it would be realistic for the record label to hire a teenager with no professional songwriting experience, likely a very small portfolio of his own work in both size and variety, having a criminal record, and on top of that being infamous in the press for abusing his ex-girlfriend. If Amie offered the ultimatum to her label that she'll only return with Ludde, who has an incredibly bad reputation right now, it feels like she would be running the risk of losing the contract entirely.

There's only so much her label can put up with. We've seen Amie ignore their calls with no intention of reassuring them that she's coming back soon. Honestly, with the way things are looking right now it makes the most sense for the contract to be dropped. By Amie or by the label, I don't know.

The episode description for the season finale says that Ludde will get some sort of justice and it could be about his music (or something related to whatever Andreas is doing).

I believe Amie will be doing a live performance of Ludde's song at a New Year's Eve party in episode 10 but I doubt that Ludde will be picked up as a producer. If he actually does I would find that to be a very unrealistic plot point, to be completely honest with you.

This is an issue I had with 3x08 and 3x09 as well. I had a hard time actually enjoying the moment between Felicia, Klara, and Amie knowing that her family was getting increasingly worried for her and even thought for a short moment that Felicia was lying dead at the bottom of the ocean. All that could've been avoided.

To add, it didn't make a lot of sense to me that when Klara finally decided to call someone she called Amie instead of Elias. An ex-friend of Felicia's instead of her brother who could've helped a lot more. What was Amie supposed to do when she showed up at the hotel, exactly?

I know there was the thing with Klara only knowing Amie's number off the top of her head, but there is no reason why she couldn't have gone down to the reception while Felicia was sleeping and asked to use a computer just to get a quick message to Elias. Like, "hey, Felicia attempted something bad but she's safe with me, we're at this hotel in this room but she didn't want me to call anybody, I don't know what to do". That would've been so much better than keeping quiet about the situation for nearly 24 hours.

I know that Klara probably has trauma from leaving her dad at the hospital after his suicide attempt and that she probably didn't want to go against Felicia's wishes. I understand the first part 100%. But Felicia was in a very bad place emotionally and was thinking that her whole family hated her when that wasn't the case. I feel like in a situation like that you kind of have to be the bad guy just to ensure the family that Felicia was safe. Even if everything turned out alright in the end, it could've gone so much worse if Felicia had wanted to be kept hidden for longer.

The ending of 3x08 was super tough to watch and I can't imagine the feeling of thinking your only daughter/sister drowned herself after you just yelled at her and showed no support. Klara couldn't have known any of this, but I feel like she should've at least contacted Elias if she wasn't taking Felicia to a hospital.

Elias calling Amie would've been an easy solution to this whole debacle but we would've lost the drama. It's still somewhat of a plot hole though, like you said.

Thank you for reading that whole post @detectivejulesohara!

The clip you're referring to was posted on Yandeh Sallah's Instagram account, so not in a trailer for this season.

I think that was either just fanservice or it will appear in season 4 since it was posted in May of this year, and I believe the filming of season 3 had already wrapped by then.

It might indicate that Elias and Amie will be a couple by season 4 (this actually seems very likely regardless if this is actually part of a scene or not).

I think Elias is getting increasingly frustrated with hockey and the fact that he doesn't really have any other ambitions to strive for. He was raised with nothing but hockey surrounding him and it's in his blood. Elias got drafted to the US at around the same age as Mats, but Elias left after a year because he just wasn't progressing.

That must feel like a huge step back, and on top of that Mats was probably thriving in his successful career around the age that Elias is now. It's a tough difference in success to have weighing on your shoulders when you're in a team that's second to last in the rankings.

There's even the accusation in the press that Mats paid for Elias to advance in the rankings, and I'm sure that's going to affect his career negatively.

I think Elias overworking himself could also be the result of him feeling like he has to prove that returning to Eagles—a small club that is probably having their worst season ever—was in fact the right choice and not the death of his elite hockey career. That choice was very questionable from the very start and his agent advised against it. Even Mats found it strange. Elias said that he didn't really have a choice most likely because of the clause in his contract, but then he also claims to Mats that things just turned out that way.

Ludde: You don’t regret coming back [to Eagles]? Elias: I didn’t really have a choice.

The idea that he didn't have a choice in the matter doesn't seem accurate. His agent told him there were other alternatives like Jokerit (a professional ice hockey team based in Helsinki, Finland) and that they could find something better than Eagles. Elias seemed kind of defeated already and the decision to return to Eagles didn't feel thought-through at all. It's almost like he just didn't care.

Agent: [...] Jokerit has called and I’ve had a great conversation with them, so they’re on. Elias: You know what? Let’s skip all the trouble. Let’s go with Eagles, it’ll be great. Agent: What? Elias: I’m so tired of moving all the time anyway, plus I’ll be close to my family. Agent: Wait, I thought that you— Eagles has big economical problems, and… Sorry, but their season started awfully. We can get a better team. You understand, right? Elias: Yeah, but we can’t get a team that needs me as much. Plus— If they say they want to see development, I’ll give them that. Agent: Wait— They’re under the line. We’re talking about qualifying down directly. You can’t in earnest believe you’ll change that on your own. Elias: It’s perfect. I’ll only go up, as you like to say.

It also seems like he's maybe realizing that hockey isn't everything and that there are other things he might want to explore and pursue in his life. I think Elias is feeling kind of stuck right now. He's been training his whole life for one purpose which is a professional career in hockey, and maybe he feels like Mats wouldn't allow him to quit. That option doesn't exist to him.

Like you said, Mats had that comment where he labeled Ludde a "quitter" and Elias stressed the fact that there shouldn't be anything wrong with losing interest and deciding to pursue something else.

Mats: Can you imagine that he’s just quitting? I mean, I’m completely— He really didn’t strike me as a quitter. So fucking close. [...] Elias: [...] Ludde, he’s… He’s not a quitter, he’s just didn’t want it anymore. That should be fair.

However, quitting is seen as failure to Mats. Mats dropped everything when he got drafted. He left his relationship with Petra seemingly without a second thought, because hockey comes before everything for Mats. Felicia even mentioned back in season 1 how her father was just a voice in a telephone for most of her childhood. He barely had any presence in her life because he was busy with hockey.

When Klara tells Elias that he's always putting hockey first, he gets angry but he doesn't outright deny it. In fact, he kind of changes the subject to shift attention away from Klara's claim.

Klara: This— You haven’t changed at all. You’re always putting yourself first. Elias: Excuse me? Klara: Yes, it’s either you or hockey. Elias: Stop! What the— Klara: I can’t take this. Elias: Are you leaving now? I wasn’t the only one you dumped. You’ve been acting like shit to Felicia. Yeah, and Amie and Ludde too, for that matter. You haven’t thought about that? So don’t come here and say I’m the egoist.

This is kind of an interesting thought—that maybe Elias subconsciously knew that was Klara is saying is true to some degree and that he has been putting hockey first. He decided to get on the train to the draft combine in Seattle instead of staying with Klara, and a year later he realizes that things didn't turn out the way that he'd planned and he returns to Eagles.

Maybe Elias is trying so hard to be someone who he just isn't, and it's affecting so many aspects of his life negatively. He lost Klara, he had to repeat almost his whole last year in high school because of moving to the US, and now he seems to be stuck in Oskarshamn. He's previously expressed to Amie that this isn't necessarily where he wanted to end up.

Elias: [...] Hey, is it just me or is there something about this town that… It sort of feels like no matter how much you try to get away, it… It pulls you back somehow.

It's kind of strange that he doesn't want to be in Oskarshamn, and yet he was the one who chose to return. Maybe he somehow feels like he has some purpose there because it keeps pulling him back. He just doesn't know what that purpose is.

Elias tried coming back to Eagles to turn things around for them, and they did win a game against the Capitals but that victory was later tarnished by the fight that broke out between the two teams (and to add to this, the loss of Ludde who used to be one of the star players and Klara as a sponsor). That kind of overshadowed their whole victory. Elias was very determined to do something to help and it very much feels like he needs Eagles to succeed—he needs to sort of "redeem" himself.

Elias: [...] Can I do anything? Can I go talk to— I could go talk to the sponsor. Mats: Let’s deal with it later. I’ll solve this. You have to go to school now. Elias: But we can finish talking— Mats: You can— No. Try to think of something else. Alright?

I think that Elias's desperation for Eagles to do well could absolutely lead to him eventually deciding to be a coach. He doesn't really seem to want the life that Mats had after seeing how success turned out for him—a broken family that he barely cares about because hockey occupies his mind more than caring for his children or repairing the relationship with Leila.

I think Elias being a hockey coach could suit him, but I would also love to see him exploring things outside of hockey—maybe even his interests outside of sport entirely.

I kind of agree with you on this. Klara has apologized to Felicia and been forgiven, but we've never seen her properly apologize to Amie for filming that video of her and posting it on social media. Amie and Ludde were in the wrong, yes, but that video being posted was humiliating for both of them. They had to deal with the ramifications of that for months after with the whole school judging them in silence.

To be fair, the video was posted a long time ago in the show's time frame (nearly two years ago if I'm right?) and they all kind of moved on from it. To add to this, maybe she felt it would've been kind of awkward to apologize with Felicia in the room.

Felicia was so hurt by that video being posted and I think it would feel very weird for her that Klara would apologize for posting the video when it's the sole reason Felicia found out what had been done to her. Without that video, she would've probably gone a few more months without being told what happened at the Halloween party.

I'm waiting for a Klara and Amie reconciliation in this season finale. I feel like this is something that should be discussed between just the two of them, and maybe they'll sneak in some blessing from Klara with the whole budding Elias and Amie relationship? I'd be happy with just a reconciliation, though, but I'm unsure if we'll get one. I have a feeling they'll start the season finale with a time jump and I don't know if Klara is even going to be in Oskarshamn by that time.

If we don't see them reconnecting in the season finale I will be pretty disappointed, to be honest.

Thank you! I really appreciate you too @lunawedlers (your gifsets are absolutely magical)!

This question was sent in a while ago but as season 3 had just started airing I was very excited to see the development of Elias and Amie, mostly because the director had been hinting on Twitter that something would happen between them this season. I've been really interested in them ever since 1x03 and so far the wait has been worth it.

I think all episodes have great visuals, but if I had to pick one I would probably say 3x06. All those shots of Elias and Amie on the walk through the park, the drone shots, and then the view from that bench spot were so gorgeous visually. That answer is more of a scene rather than a whole episode haha, but I think they really made the beauty of Oskarshamn stand out in those shots.

I think Amie will have some sort of performance in the final episode of a new song and that Elias will be watching her! After reading the episode description for the final episode and seeing that there will probably be some New Year's Eve party going on, I have a feeling that Amie will be performing. She's always had a performance of a new song in every season finale and this one should be no exception.

They tricked us a little in the season 3 trailer with us thinking that Elias would be at one of Amie's concerts in Stockholm, but now I'm sure that this scene fits in at the New Year's Eve party.

I think we should keep our expectations low for a kiss between Elias and Amie. They just started developing their relationship, and I like the slow pace they're going in. They're not rushing anything. I also have this feeling that their development has deliberately been so slow because they're sort of "saving the best for last".

Elias and Amie are fan favorites and their relationship has been very talked-about from the beginning. I can see the writers maybe having decided to push their relationship more towards the end of the show, which is why we haven't really gotten any Elias and Amie content until now. That's frustrating if you're impatient and I've seen some people thinking that maybe Elias and Amie won't happen at all, but I don't think we need to worry at all. The fact that Elias and Amie's development has been so slow should indicate that they're much more likely to be endgame.

A kiss in episode 10 could definitely happen, but I don't know. Maybe they'll drag it out further. As I've said before, if they don't get one in season 3 they will absolutely be getting one in season 4. I've noticed that it's always best to keep your expectations low when it comes to this couple.

The episode description for the season finale said this about Elias, which some have interpreted to be about Amie.

New Year’s Eve is here. [...] But is Elias brave enough to say what everyone else already knows?

This could mean anything, really. I'm actually leaning more towards this being about an individual thing rather than Amie being involved. It could be about Elias admitting that he's been overworking himself and not eating properly, or coming clean about the fact that maybe he doesn't want a career in hockey. This is something that everyone else already knows, so I think it might be about hockey.

Felicia has observed the overworking, Mats has told him to stop with it, and Ludde might've had some inkling about it while he was still on the team. Even Amie has probably also noticed that he's been spending a lot of time at the gym lately.

I could absolutely be wrong about this though.

Thank you for the question @lunawedlers!

This is a hard one because season 3 has had so many strong episodes already, and usually my favorite episode ends up being the season finale because it's basically the culmination of the whole season. I really loved 2x10 for this very reason since the ending montage was so well done.

If I had to pick between 3x01 - 3x09 though I would probably have to say it's a tie between 3x04 — Date night and 3x05 — Wounds! These two episodes showcased what Eagles should be all about so well, which is relationships plus the struggles you go through as a teenager in a small town, and then of course hockey. The hockey game episodes are really good, even if I don't think 3x05 topped 2x05 (the game where Ludde got tackled and knocked out).

I loved the contrast in Date night of the budding relationship between Elias and Amie and then that fight between Felicia and Ludde on the cliff. That whole scene between Felicia and Ludde on the cliff was actually really beautiful, especially when the sun had gone down.

It was interesting to see how this sweet gesture from Felicia turned into a fight between the two of them. I thought that was very realistic, because no matter how big of a gesture Felicia made to apologize there were still underlying problems that they needed to talk about.

I also loved the "non-date" between Elias and Amie in this episode. It was cute to see them goofing off before the movie started and then talking about it on the way home. I liked how Elias could connect to her on how they had both returned to Oskarshamn.

The recent episodes that dropped last week (3x08 and 3x09) were very strong and discussed some important subject matters, but I had a few problems with them that I discussed in a question above. They were dark, but not necessarily bad because they needed to happen.

However, I have to say that I prefer Eagles when it's about hockey and teenage relationships. 3x04 and 3x05 made me kind of nostalgic for season 1 and I liked the vibe they both had.

I agree, but I think we could maybe get a combination of both! Relationships can have all these romantic and sweet traits like you described, but also be more passionate and show public displays of affection.

I think Elias and Amie fit the more laid-back and sweet characteristics, but we have yet to really see what Amie is like in a relationship. We've seen her with a crush on Ludde and we got a glimpse of that thing she had with Robin (which was apparently a relationship but I did not pick up on that at all), but we don't really know what Amie is like in a relationship. Maybe she's never really had a "real" one, either.

Nevertheless, I'm excited to see what's in store for Elias and Amie. I'm very positive that they will eventually become a couple in season 4.

[incorrect-sdv-quotes]

Okay so I know this is a SDV Incorrect quote blog but I really wanted to show off my SDV headcanon’s so you may ignore this post if you wish (I’ll go back to the normal posts after this, I have like 13 quotes queue’d up right now) 

Headcanon’s under the cut:

1.Alex’s real first name is Alexander he just prefers to go by Alex

2.Alex is a trans male so he was born female but transitioned to male at age 13

3.The bachelors ages are (listed youngest to oldest):

 Alex: 19 

Sebastian: 19 (one month older then Alex)

Sam: 20

Harvey: 25-30

Elliott: 36

Shane: 38

4.Despite Sam being older then him Alex is taller (if you put them side by side Sam looks taller but that’s only cause of his hair if you flattened it you could see Alex was taller)

5.Sebastian is secretly a vampire (He does look like one anyway)

6. Haley and Alex kind of have a Hazel and Xander from Bunk’d relationship where they’re kinda friends but one of them *cough cough* Haley *cough* has a huge crush on the other to where it’s at yandere point- Haley is not QUITE as crazy about Alex that Hazel is about Xander and unlike Hazel Haley can hide the craziness she does have around people but when it’s just her and Alex she’s all crazy and clingy- 

Like, she’ll call him pet names like “My jock prince” or “Alex-zandy-” or “My knight in shining armor” Etc. etc- or hug him and never let go until someone LITERALLY prys her off- Talk about nutty nutty nut-so-

7. My headcanon voices for the bachelors are: (Well some of them, if a name is in strike through that means I don’t have one for that one- yet)

Alex: Shining Armor from MLP

Sebastian

Sam: Rottmnt Leo/2020 Sonic the Hedgehog/Dewy from Ducktails (this one might change)

Harvey: Fozzie Bear (Harvey: WaKa WaKa (I’m sorry))

Elliott: Gunther from Shake It Up

Shane

8.Shane is basically the god of chickens he’s such a good caretaker of chickens that he could summon an army of chickens to peck the eyes out of everyone in town with one “Babock” CHICKEN ARMY!!

If you decided to read this post and you liked my headcanons then this is it for now more might be added later as I play the game and scroll through the SDV tags on Tumblr more 

EDIT 1: More headcanons!:

9: Elliott is an amazing actor but a horrid horror-movie actor (It’s just his screams are unrealistic he will literally just say “Aaaah” otherwise it’s the same as the rest of his acting) (This scream-glitch is an easy fix if you yell “Ghost” more on that in 10)

10: Elliott is TERRIFIED of ghosts even those cute and/or clearly fake ghosts (Why else do you think Spirits Eve/Halloween has Skeletons every year and not ghosts? No one wants to scare anyone Too bad.) Actually Alex dared Elliott to watch the Disney Junior show Vampirina which went fine until Demi came on screen- Elliott literally wet himself and screamed for 3 whole hours- (Poor Alex who had to listen to that the whole time-)

11: Elliott treats his pocket crab as his ACTUAL son, not as his pet but as his actual biological son (it’s actually really cute)

12: The portraits in this video for a portraits mod is how the characters actually look to me (Excluding Elliott Sam and Sebastian they still live in my brain with their cannon looks): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cmBW8BzSZpU&list=WL&index=1&t=5s

13: Krobus is Sebastian’s father (yeah you THINK it would not make sense along with Hc numb.5 but if you think about it if his father is a monster and his mother is human he’s gonna be born as a human-looking monster! Which is a Vampire!)

EDIT 2: Damnit. I was scrolling through this and I realized I missed a Hc and it slipped through the original post and the EDIT 1!

14: Alex has Dyslexia (this bugger Hc belonged in the original post but it slipped through both edits)

EDIT 3: MORE HEADCANNONS-

15: Both Abigail and Sebastian used to have hair to match their parents (Abby’s was brown (Like said in game) and Sebastian’s was Ginger) but due to their “Unusual” parents (Abigail: Wizard Sebastian: Krobus) their hair changed color when they got older and their mothers just pretended they died their hair so both the towns people and Abigail and Sebastian themselves would not freak out 

16: Sebastian has snake bite piercing's but he only wears them when he’s alone (he got them in the first place cause 1: Sam dared him and 2: he decided it would be a fun way to rebel against dead to Sebastian Demetrius, he didn’t have to keep them but he ended up liking the look) 

17: Sebastian owns a giant frog plush, it’s twice the size of him, is really soft and is incredibly fat (it’s to the point it’s just a circle that has stubby legs) he loves it more then anything Excluding Alex but he does not want anyone finding out he loves it let alone owns it so he stuffs it under his bed when people are in and/or near his room

18: Sebastian’s first word was literally “Froggy”

Ex:

Robin: Can you say “mama”?

Baby!Sebastian: ...Froggy!

Robin:

Robin: Out of all words your first word is “Froggy”? Really?

19: The shortest to tallest Bachelors are:

Shane

Sam (If you take his hair and go *Squishes flat*)

Alex

Sebastian

Sam (If you count the added height from his Mullet)

Harvey

Elliott (Tall stinky sea dude)

20: Sam got Sebastian to scream “Bubbles” for 5 hours straight 

Details on that:

Sam: It’s impossible to say “Bubbles” threateningly

Sebastian:

Five munities later:

Robin: Uhhhh Sam? Why is my son on the roof screaming “BUBBLES”?

21: Sebastian owns a biker jacket but he only wears it when riding his motorcycle cause the jacket makes him look way more goth then emo and he prefers the emo look over goth look despite he acts more like a goth

22: One Feast of The Winter Star Sebastian got everyone an empty box and when they opened it Seb said: “It’s a void of nothingness. Just like life.” He did not get in trouble or nothing cause your allowed to give what you want but he did not do that again

23: Sebastian requires glasses to read, he can see perfectly but when it comes to reading on a computer or on paper he needs glasses

24: Sam does a perfect Darth Vader voice and Darth Vader breathing noises

25: Sebastian has vampire powers (cause he is a vampire (Hc 5)), he knows about them and is chill about it but he does not use them unless necessary cause he just does not feel the need to use them otherwise (His powers include, immortality (he also can’t be killed cause on my take on Vampires the stuff that “Traditionally” harms/kills them is just a mith and actually does nothing to them), super strength, increased speed, fast self-healing, telekinesis (I know this is not “Traditionally” a vampire power but Seb does have it) and the ability to change into a bat)

26: Both Sebastian and Elliott are actually pretty jacked (Not Alex level jacked but still) you just can’t see it unless they’re shirt-less (but in Seb’s case at least loose the hoodie)

27: Harvey’s doctor’s mallet weapon is just as heavy and as big as himself so he rarely goes into combat cause he has trouble welding his own weapon- 

Harvey: Time to explore the mines! *grabs his giant doctors mallet*

Harvey: Nope going down. *falls backward with a thud*

28: Elliott carries at least one very sharp pencil with him at all times so if he sees a very annoying person or a slime that escaped the mines he’ll grab it and go *StAb*

29: Everyone else makes Hermit jokes around Elliott which he finds funny and annoying at the same time (They used to do the jokes about Sebastian as well but they stopped cause when they did Seb strangled them Darth Vader style) Ex of the hermit jokes:

*singing* Someone’s on the beach with a hermit! There’s a hermit on the beach I know I know! Someone’s on the beach with a hermiiiit! And the hermit’s name is Elliott!

30: If you think Elliott’s cannon SDV schedule is anti-social you should see how anti-social he gets when writing a book-

EDIT 4: Surprise, there’s more

31: Elliott is a mermaid merman (he’s a human by day half human half fish by night but he’ll change forms sooner if you dump water on him- found that out by Haley throwing water on him in hopes he’ll melt-)

32: When in ‘fish’ form Elliott’s tail is incredibly strong (if you get hit by it you’ll go flying 900 feet in the air in 5 seconds at full strength)

33:Elliott only lets Harvey call him “Elly” if anyone else does so expect Elliott to dump water on himself then hit you with his fish tail)

34:Vincent will sing The Little Mermaid song “Under the sea” around Elliott and Sebastian (Sebastian cause think about it and Elliott cause he’s an IRL Mermaid)

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

Hi! So, why BTS? And why now? I want to follow your blog, but may I speak openly?

Writing about BTS through the lens of various critical theory is amazing. You are so smart. I am going to be honest about my own biases here, so feel free to trash me for it. I am anonymous after all so trash away as is your right. I understand.

There is often a supposition from critics, both professional and amateur, that the fandom- frequently presented as an immature, undifferentiated mob of cultists- is unable to think critically and must have basic things explained to us so that we don't throw stones at the free speech warriors of truth and standards (not saying that this is your attitude). I find that a little alienating. This fandom has existed for eight years. We have seen blogs and empires rise and fall.

I also don't think that it is an accident that the desire to project these more critical ideas into the public sphere usually comes after a year of being a full on ARMY (judging from my friends experiences). I have read peices about BTS's work referencing Lacan, neo-marxism, post-structuralism and other such stuffs. (My friend used to have an analytic blog that she chose to shut down a few years ago). I am going to be a bit blunt again, so trash if you must, but I think what was being exposed in those pieces was not only "critical thinking" but an excess of emotional investment in BTS, and the desire to intellectualize or justify it.

BTS got a lot of people through 2020. Those long content dives kept people sane. But now, based on a lot of the dissapointed PTD criticism, it feels like some people are waking up hung over and kind of bitter. Emphasizing the three English singles and ignoring BE, an album they worked on for months, seems like a symptom of this. Removing BE from the narrative seems to advance theories of BTS's 'Americanization', lack of creative agency and homogenization into some inferior or less Korean form of pop. BE should not be dismissed as irrelevant to this discourse. Many western artists take an average of 2 years between albums. BTS put out a lot of work. Maybe some of the distrust of criticism that we plebes have comes from the suspicion that critics may use art and events to construct a story. As a person of Asian heritage, LGO going #1 on Billboard meant a lot, emotionally.

I hope none of this caused offense. If it did please just ignore. Thanks for your great thoughts. Wishing you success in your goals.

Hi! Your ask did not cause offense, I'm more than fine to talk about this.

There's a lot to unpack here, so I'm taking it one by one.

Why BTS and why now? I chose to write about BTS because it's been an interest of mine for quite long. I mean, I didn't expect more than a year later to be here. My past obsessions usually lasted between 2 to 3 months, max, and everything felt so intense, but then it faded for a few years. (The last band I really focused on was Pearl Jam back in my first year of college while I was going through a bit of a difficult period in my life).

Yes, I have become a fan during the pandemic. It was sort of inevitable for it to become such a huge focus (escapism from the world outside and from writing a thesis). If I had started this blog a year ago, then you're right in one way: it would have been emotional investment and my desire to intellectualize and justify it. Basically that's what I did in the first few months (when I was on my own, in no community whatsoever). In order to explain myself and others why I'm spending time on this, I used to read research articles. But that's not the full truth and that's because to me such practice comes naturally, just as when I was 16 I couldn't just watch and enjoy movies, I had to read about them every day, or how I'm surrounded by pop culture just as everyone else, but I want to read books about it so I'm willing to do that for months. It's how I'm wired, so in a way, of course it had to happen with BTS as well.

The reason why I decided to make a blog now it's not necessarily because I ''woke up'' or that suddenly I see ''the truth''. Perhaps you may have had that impression because of my first post where I talked about PTD and the recent talks about ''Americanization''. I touched on that subject because I was closely following it, but that is not to say it was my only purpose on making a blog. I feel that, a year later, I'm more secure with my general knowledge and that of BTS. I couldn't have done it before that. I also plan to talk about other topics as well, not just what's ''hot'' at the moment. If I didn't have any other ideas, I wouldn't have made a blog.

And I'm certainly not here to teach anyone or ''plebes'' as you said, anything. And I also know that I'm not going to be the last to have a blog, write a think piece or publish something about BTS. People are allowed to engage in all types of discourse, depending on what they like and what they feel comfortable with. There are countless blogs with countless topics and perspectives. Some last, some don't, that's just how it is. I don't have huge important plans to teach the fandom, my ego is not that big and this is just a hobby for me. It's also not the first time I'm publishing something, but it is the first time on my own blog, despite being on tumblr for 10 years now.

But you are right when you talk about people forgetting about BE and I may add, Film Out which is more recent. I too thought that LGO going #1 on Billboard was incredible. It was a song in Korean that really reflected how people felt during the pandemic. Not just LGO, but the entire album is a true reflection of current times on top of being just simply good music. The album was promoted as well, different versions of the MV, the logs that preceded it focusing on production, it really made me look forward to it and it did not disappoint. The last few months of 2020 have been really good for what BTS has delivered. To go back to your argument, I don't think it's about constructing a story. Yes, in a way people could be accused of ignoring BE, but what's the problem with focusing on what's been going on at present? We shouldn't be surprised about that, PTD was released not too long after Butter. It was full of promotional material ever since May.

I stated in my blog introduction that I'm in film studies, so I will end up making a lot of references because I can naturally make my point across. Let's say I'm a fan of Xavier Dolan. I've watched his first films, fell in love with his aesthetics and his stories. Then he releases something that I don't really like, doesn't work for me. Then another. And then another. I'm thinking, ok, this is the direction he's going with, it's not as daring as what he used to do before, but so what? He gets the awards at Cannes, but I'm still writing a negative review of his film Mommy. Doesn't mean I'm wrong, doesn't mean the Jury at Cannes is wrong, it certainly doesn't mean that I don't like Xavier Dolan anymore. We're just looking for different things.

We write about things that are happening at the moment and how see them now. We make judgments of value based on our current knowledge. Who's to say that in 10 years people won't look back and think: those critics had no idea what they were saying about BTS (Antonioni's L'Avventura was booed at Cannes when it was released in 1960 and now it's considered a masterpiece and even taught in schools). But that's just a possibility right now and if in 10 years I'll remember that I used to write about this, perhaps my opinions could/would change. Maybe less than10 years :)

[dream-a-little-bigger-x]

Chapter 24 -- Perfect Harmony | Charlie Gillespie

Summary: Emily Fox is a talented 17-year-old with a passion for all things music. Her dream is to become a successful singer-songwriter one day. But to achieve that dream, she needs to get into one of the most prestigious music schools in her district – it’s all been part of her plan since she was six. Sadly enough, those schools cost a ton of money that her parents don’t want to invest. They don’t even want her to pursue her dream. So, now Emily’s hustling, working at the music store to save up to get into college. That’s until she meets Charlie, an annoying seventeen-year-old boy with the same dream as her. The only difference is, he’s just doing it. He doesn’t need a fancy college to pursue his dream to become famous with his band. He just writes his songs and books small gigs here, there and everywhere. Will meeting Charlie defer her from her dream college, or will he actually help her achieve the dream?

Pairing: Charlie Gillespie x OC (Emily Fox)

Warnings: mentions of death, sexual assault

Important note: the characters of Charlie, Owen, Jeremy and Madison are based on the characters they play on the show and i do not own their names, only OC are mine. The songs aren’t mine either, they’re all from the show except for one.

~|Emily Fox|~

Friday isn’t any better than Thursday. Though Madi and Mitch kind of filled up the void in my heart yesterday, it just seems to seep out the very next day. I don’t go to school yet, but Madi does today. Her mother allowed her to skip once, but not twice. I don’t blame her for it. Just because my life is ruined and I have no future, doesn’t mean Madi’s life needs to be ruined too. No. I want her to thrive. I want her to graduate High School and go to her dream college. I want her to have the things I don’t have. “Muffin,” Mitch’s voice sounds from the other side of the bedroom door, “I made you breakfast. Can I come in?” I let out a chuckle at how adorable my uncle is. He’s been like that since last Saturday. Just the cutest, greatest uncle alive. “Yeah, come in!” I sit up straight in bed, placing my phone to the side. I’d been scrolling through Tumblr aimlessly. At least the memes are still somewhat hilarious. Unless they’re memes Charlie sent me, because then I cried. “Made you some eggs, your favorite comfort food besides Madi’s mom’s lasagna!” He places the tray on my bed, the delicious smell of freshly made eggs hitting my nostrils. “If it were healthy to eat that much lasagna, even in the morning, I’d let you. But you know… Got to stay healthy.” He sits down at the end of my bed and grabs his own plate. “What movie are we watching today?” he asks before taking a bite. I grab the other plate and start eating too. “You can choose,” I tell him and take a bite, then hold up my finger to tell him to wait until I swallow. “But it can’t be a musical or anything Disney. Especially not Aladdin!” “Ten Things I hate About You?” He suggests hopeful. I think about it for a moment, then nod my head. “Kat does play guitar in that, though?” I shrug. “At least they don’t break out into music every other minute and it’s not the guy that plays the guitar because that would remind me of… you-know-who…” I tell him and take a sip from the orange juice he’d brought along. “Voldemort?” Mitch jokes. I tilt my head a little and raise my eyebrows as if saying ‘really, dude?’. “I’m kidding, Muffin. ‘Ten Things’ it is then!” We continue eating in silence for a moment which gives me the time to think about life. What am I going to do with my life? Since the Music Academy didn’t work out and I don’t have the band anymore, maybe I should do something more … Parent-approved. “I’m thinking of looking into other colleges,” I blurt out, capturing my uncle’s attention. “Maybe check out those colleges my parents wanted me to go to. I do like languages? Maybe I could do something in that direction?” “Are you sure you want to do that, Muffin?” I take a deep breath, placing my knife and fork on my half-empty plate. “It’s better than doing absolutely nothing, you know? I can’t spend my entire life wrapped up in blankets, eating eggs and lasagna and ice cream, and cry. I mean, I can keep dreaming like I’ll live forever but I have to live it. Now or never.” I can’t help but smile at the fact I just quoted the boys’ song and I think Uncle Mitch even noticed it too. “Wise words,” he says with a smirk, “But yeah, I mean, if you really want to do that, then I’m 100% behind you, Muffin. Whatever you need.” The smile on my face widens at this, and it surprises me that my lips can still curl up this far. It feels like I haven’t done that in forever. Mitch’s smile then suddenly vanishes. “Does that then mean you’re going back to your parents’?” he asks. I swallow the lump in my throat. I hadn’t even thought of that. “No,” I reply, “No, I don’t think so… Unless you want me out?” “No! God no! I could never do that to you.” It stings a little hearing him say that since my parents could, apparently. But at the same time, it makes me happy, knowing I have a man who loves me stand on my side for once. “You’re the best, Uncle Mitch, you know that?” The smile reappears on his face, along with a slight blush on his cheeks. “Yeah, I heard that before,” he chuckles, “I love you, Muffin.” He places his plate on the tray again as I do the same with mine, knowing a hug is about to ensue. “I love you too, Mitchy.” I wrap my arms around my uncle’s neck as he wraps his around my waist. A bunch of oxytocin releases in my body, and for the first time in about a week, actually makes me feel happy again.

“I hate the way you talk to me, And the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare. I hate your big, dumb combat boots, And the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick, it even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you’re always right, I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, Even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you’re not around, and the fact you didn’t call. But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you, Not even close, Not even a little bit, Not even at all.” I recite the poem along with Kat as Mitch and I sob. This movie always makes me cry, no matter how many times I watch it. It’s such a feel-good sad movie, perfect for the situation. My phone rings then, and after having blown my nose and wiped my tears, I pick it up. Ash’s name flashes on the screen. “Hey, Ash,” I greet with a slight quiver of my voice. “Have you been crying?” she asks, her voice instantly filled with worry. “Yeah, Mitch and I are watching 10 Things I Hate About You.” I glance over at Mitch, who’s sniffling in his tissues. “Ah,” Ash says, “The poem.” “Yah, the poem,” I whisper. In the background, I hear a couple of faint voices. She’s probably at the store, handling some customers. “So, anyway, I’m calling to see if you would like to come help me out a little. I asked my brother the last couple of days to fill in for you, but he can’t, and I really don’t have anyone else…” The voices in the background come through again. One of them faintly sounds like Owen, but I could be wrong. “It’s fine if you’re not up for it… I just really could use your help.” I draw in a deep breath. “I’ll come,” I say, which makes Mitch snap his head towards me in surprise. “Really?” Ash asks, not expecting me to say ‘yes’. “Yeah, I could use some distraction, I guess,” I tell her, and rise from the couch. “I’m going to get showered and dressed and then I’ll come, okay?” I hear the voices in the background again. I swear I hear Owen and Jeremy now. “Yeah, perfect! Thank you, Emily!” She sounds relieved. “No problem, Ash. See you in a bit.” “See you.” We both hang up and I start making my way upstairs. “What’s happening?” Mitch asks me before I get to the stairs. “Ash asked if I wanted to come help,” I tell him nonchalantly and rush up the stairs. I quickly take a shower, put some jeans and a top on, add a light layer of makeup and we’re done and ready to go. “You’re leaving the house?” Mitch asks, following after me as I grab my stuff. “On purpose?” “Yes, I am. It might do me some good,” I tell him with a simple shrug. “Okay… I’ll see you tonight then?” I’ve never seen my uncle this confused. “Yes, see you tonight,” I kiss him on the cheek and run out of the house, grabbing my bike to get to the store as fast as possible. It sounded kind of urgent when Ash called me. Plus, if those voices really were Owen and Jeremy, I might still catch a glimpse of them. The store is completely empty when I arrive. Ash is behind the counter, reading a book. “I’ve never seen it this quiet,” I tell her as I drop my bag onto the counter, making Ash jump. “Hey, Emily!” She says louder than necessary. “Hey, thanks for doing this! Uhm, my girlfriend kind of needs me, so…” She pats my shoulder before grabbing her bag and leaving the store in a hurry. I start sorting through invoices, wishing Charlie were here to do it for me because Ash’s handwriting has gotten gradually worse. As if on cue, I hear guitar strumming. Is this in my head? No, it’s actually happening. There’s no Charlie to be seen, only his voice to be heard. “First things first We start the scene in reverse All of the lines rehearsed Disappeared from my mind” He now appears from behind the wall and into my eyesight, an apologetic smile on his face. “When things got loud One of us running out I should have turned around But I had too much pride” I swallow the lump forming in my throat. I can’t move a muscle. I’m completely frozen. “No time for goodbyes Didn't get to apologize Pieces of a clock that lies broken” My heart beats faster at the sound of his voice. He sounds incredibly sad and remorseful. “If I could take us back If I could just do that And write in every empty space The words I love you in replace Then maybe time would not erase me” My breath hitches in my throat, and I can feel the tears pricking in my eyes, getting ready to escape. I thought all my tears had dried up. “If you could only know I never let you go And the words I most regret Are the ones I never meant to leave Unsaid Emily” Finally, my legs start moving and I walk towards the grand piano where the boys make me jump by starting to play their perspective instruments. Charlie follows me and takes his place behind the microphone, the volume of his voice increasing along with the impact of his words. “Silent days Mysteries and mistakes Who'd be the first to break Guess we're alike that way” My legs give out now, and I drop down onto the piano’s stool. “He said, she said Conversations in my head And that's just where they're gonna stay forever” Tears are now rushing down my cheeks as if they have a race to win. All the while Charlie’s voice gets more and more vulnerable. “If I could take us back If I could just do that And write in every empty space The words I love you in replace Then maybe time would not erase me” I missed this boy with all of my heart. How did I even survive days without him? “If you could only know I never let you go And the words I most regret Are the ones I never meant to leave Unsaid Emily” The boys take a musical intermezzo, just singing out ‘aah’s while Charlie walks up to me. He holds my gaze, his eyes teary and filled with absolute sadness that breaks my heart into pieces. I can tell he’s missed me too. I can tell he’s trying to make amends using the only medium he knows so well. His voice now gets lower, and he’s singing the bridge to me with only his guitar guiding him. “If I could take us back If I could just do that And write in every empty space The words I love you in replace Then maybe time would not erase me” The boys now pick it back up too, making my heart swell and feel heavier and heavier with sadness. Sadness Charlie feels and resonates with me through his music. “If you could only know I never let you go And the words I most regret Are the ones I never meant to leave Unsaid Emily” He finishes off with a couple more chords on his guitar before completely stopping. “Charlie…” I sniffle, wiping my tears with the back of my hand, but he shakes his head. “Please, Emily, let me talk?” I nod my head to give him permission. “The boys and I, we’re really sorry for ruining your chance with the Music Academy. We tried, but we couldn’t get you a new audition. But we realized, all of us realized, that we didn’t want to be a band without you. We just couldn’t do it. You’re so important to all of us, you’ve changed all our lives for the better. There’s no way we could go on, knowing you were angry at us. So, I wrote this song for you since that’s the only way I seem to be able to convey how I feel…” I chuckle airily, making him chuckle too. “Please, Emily… I can’t not have you in my life.” “Can I talk?” He nods his head. “These past days have been really difficult for me. The Music Academy was my dream and to see that go up in flames, I don’t know, I felt like I couldn’t go on. But I realized that just because that one dream didn’t turn out as planned, I shouldn’t give up. I’m not saying I’m going to beg for another audition, because I am not. I considered it a sign that maybe that school isn’t for me,” the three boys are listening to me intently. “So, I though this morning, if I don’t have the Music Academy and I don’t have the band, I might as well just go to a parents-approved college.” Charlie glances at the rest of the band. “I mean, you do still have the band though?” Owen chimes in with a shy smile. “We can’t be Emily and The Foxes without Emily.” “Yeah, we’d just be The Foxes,” Jeremy adds with a light-hearted chuckle. I shake my head at him, a smile tugging at my lips. “I missed you guys,” I say. Charlie kneels down in front of me now. “So, what do you say, Emily? Will you join the band again?” he asks, which makes it look like he’s proposing to me. “Please?” He looks up at me with those puppy-dog eyes that I just cannot resist. Even Owen and Jeremy stare at me with hopeful eyes. “Hey, Jere,” I turn to the bassist, “I think there’s a jam you can play now.” He looks confused, but Charlie gets it and starts playing the chords to This Band is Back. “Come on, Jeremy!” Charlie counts us in, and Jeremy starts singing, placing his bass back in its stand to move freely while Owen moves away from the drums, tapping his body again. “Can you, can you hear me?” “Yep! Loud and clear!” I shout happily, jumping up from the stool. “Gotta get, gotta get ready” “'Cause it's been weeks!” I smile at Charlie’s lyric change. “Oh, this band is back,” Jeremy sings alone, grabbing my hand and twirling me around. “Oh, this band is back,” Owen, Charlie and I harmonize. We dance around the grand piano together, singing along loudly. “Whoo, ooh, ooh, ooh Whoo, ooh, ooh, ooh Whoo, ooh, ooh, ooh This band is back!” Jeremy then grabs me by the waist and puts me on top of the piano, then jumping on himself. We all burst into a fit of laughter, and when we die down, I find Charlie staring at me with an endeared smile on his face. He tugs at the guitar strap, so his guitar is on his back instead. Jeremy and Owen take this as their cue to leave after both having kissed my cheeks. “So, now that the band is back… What about us?” he asks carefully. I take a deep breath. I haven’t given that a thought yet. “I don’t know, Charlie…”  he looks like a hurt puppy. “I love you, but I just want to focus on the band and figuring out what I want to do with my life…” I bite the inside of my lip awaiting his response. It makes me wonder if he can hear my heartbeat. “That’s fair,” he says with a half-hearted smile, “Let’s focus on the band and become better friends instead.” His face lights up when my mouth curls upwards. “I’d like that,” I say, and hop off the piano to embrace him. “And, thanks for that song, by the way. It’s so beautiful! Definite Emily And The Foxes vibes,” I wiggle my eyebrows before walking up to Owen and Jeremy and hugging each of them. “I missed you so much!” Jeremy grunts into my ear as he picks me up from the floor. “I missed you guys too.” So much.

Taglist: @parkeret​​ @lukeys-giggle​ @gingerxarmy​ @lovesanimals​ @hannahhistorian92​ @marinettepotterandplagg​ @thequirkybookaholic​ @ashleyleblancx​ @calamitykaty​ @lolychu​ @bookdealer5​ @tenaciousperfectionunknown​ @hemmingsness​ @siennanoelle01​ @iainttakingshitfromnobody​ @ifilwtmfc​ @luckylouiebug​ @kiss-themoongoodbye​ @camiladelrio98​ @myfriendscallmebeans​ @thedarkqueenofavalon​ @caitsymichelle13​

[theonetheycallhannah]

The Treatment of Capt. Syverson-Chapter Two: Therapeutic Procedure

Pairing: Captain “Sy” Syverson x OFC (Shane Benton)

Summary: Shane and Sy share some moments during their treatment sessions…and a phone call that could set the tone for the next few weeks.

Word Count: 2.6k

Warnings: None, yet… ;)

Author’s Note: Sorry, I was so eager and excited to post the first chapter of this last night, I totally put some inaccurate info in my description notes. I will correct that in the original post and  try to do better henceforth! Hope you enjoy Sy and Shane totally flirting some more and getting more friendly in this chapter. Feedback is appreciated! Even constructive criticism! :D

Disclaimer: Unfortunately for me, Henry is not mine, le sigh, and all mention of him, his characters, any characters from his films, or his precious doggy, Kal, are strictly for transformative and recreational use. I neither ask for, nor accept payment for the work I post on Tumblr or AO3. Unbeta’d because this is for fun and escapism. 

Tags: @onlyhenrys @cavillryarchive @summersong69 @titty-teetee

Let me know if you wish to be added to the list! I’m happy to do it!

Shane woke up that morning with knots in her stomach. She dropped every product she picked up in the shower, she was shaking so much. She accidentally ordered the wrong coffee on her way to work and was now drinking something much less caffeinated and far too sweet for her taste. The barista had informed her it was a grande caramel macchiato with an extra pump of vanilla and extra caramel drizzle…with only two shots of espresso…she couldn't begin to describe how wrong that drink was for her. But it was better than nothing, she told herself, not fully convincingly.

She had chosen her clothes with extra care, even though, with the dress code, her options were limited. And she had made sure to put on a bit of mascara and just a touch of perfume, even though they weren't strictly supposed to wear it…she didn't know why she was bothering.

Well, actually, she did know why. She had been checking her schedule extra diligently lately to make sure she didn't look like a hobo when Sy was coming in. He'd been coming for three weeks now, and after the initial bellyaching about Jordan not being as pretty as her…her heart!...and his feeling extra sore after his visits with him, they were on a roll and had a great chemistry together as far as their treatments went…she tried not to think about…beyond the world of therapy.

She thought back to their first session after she got back from her trip. And the conversation they had.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I think the next time you can't see me, I'm just going to cancel." he had sulked as he wiggled his mass of muscle onto the mat.

"Sy, no. you need therapy. Don't be like that to Jordan. He's an excellent therapist."

"He ain't you though." he smirked, sending her heart racing with that smile that somehow managed to look both boyish and rakish under his full, dark beard. Fucking hell. He needed to stop.

"Well, we can't fault him for that, can we? Lay back, Mister." She demanded. Done with the niceties of the evaluation and onto the treatments where she was in charge. The boss.

"Yes, sir!" she laughed at his clear avoidance of calling her ma'am.

"So where'd you go last week? Vacation or stay-cation?" he asked, the term "stay-cation" sounding downright comical coming out of his country-boy mouth.

"I went to the beach. Gulf Shores."

"I thought you looked like you got some sun."

"Yeah," she pretended his noticing the detail of her awesome tan did not send her reeling. "My folks rented a condo right on the water for my siblings and I to come and stay with them. They're still there. It was tough to leave all that beauty." the beach, pretty much any beach, was her favorite place to be.

"I bet…" he looked at her, something dreamy in his eyes, but he looked away before she could process it. "I thought I had my fill of sand and sun when I was over in Iraq. But you make it sound…like paradise." he smiled softly up at her as she worked on his knee, trying to break apart some of the scar tissue from the injuries and surgeries he'd had…and focus on that, and not the warmth rising in her.

"That's the perfect way to describe any place on the Gulf of Mexico. I doubt it's anything like Iraq, since there's so much water around. It's my favorite vacation destination. Well, apart from London."

"Them British folks always seem so stuck up. Don't know if I'd get along with any of 'em."

"It felt like a second home for me. Everyone was very kind and polite, for the most part. At least it was no worse than it is here."

"Maybe it's just because you're so nice."

"Wait 'til about week eight or ten of your protocol. You won't think I'm nice then. You'll be cussing me out and ready to ring my neck."

"Promise?" he asked, a dark grin on his lips and in his eyes…she faltered for a moment, gulping.

"Cut it out, Syverson." she rolled her eyes, covering…without great effect the way he made her feel.

"Yes...ma'am." he smirked with satisfaction.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now, today, she'd be treating him again, fairly early in the day, and she had to prepare herself. She'd checked the policy, and although there wasn't anything strictly against dating a patient, it was clearly a conflict of interest, and would be frowned upon by her frigid tyrant of a boss. Best to let things remain platonic for now.

Her 9:30 was a no show, so she finished up some notes and was working on some continuing education credits when messenger popped up around 10:00.

Sergeant Sexypants is here. He's quite early and he knows it…*smirk emoji* he must like you, Shane!

Heather, come on, be respectful…he was discharged at the rank of Captain! *rofl emoji* and I think you might be right about him liking me…*nervous emoji*

Oooooooooh!!! You guys are gonna *couple kissing emoji* *eggplant emoji* *okay emoji* *explosion emoji* *baby emoji*

Omg…*three facepalm emojis* I am going to go ahead and start him early since my 9:30 was a NCNS.

Don't finish him too early. Make it last. *smirk emoji*

Jeez. She closed the chat and went to grab him from the waiting area.

"Hey Sy, you ready?"

"You bet, sunshine!" he flashed her a crooked smile. He was calling her sunshine now…ad that to the list of things she'd have to pretend didn't make her swoon.

"Great. Let's start on the bike. How's the knee feeling today?"

"Oh, it's…about the same. Stiff. Lil' sore."

"Well, it's a slow process, like I told you at your eval. You've got a lot going on in there."

"I know…just…it hasn't taken me four weeks to do anything in my life." he sulked. "So…thinking about this taking…twelve or more…" he grimaced as he sat down on the bike, and adjusted it for his longer than average legs, putting his feet in the pedal stirrups.

"You may not see it, Sy, because you're so close to it, but trust me, you're making progress. I can tell you're doing your exercises at home, and you're always willing to put in the work here. You have no idea how much that sets you apart from…some of these other people." she leaned in closer and spoke the last part more quietly to him. It was true. So many of her patients were either lazy or just in it to appease their MDs into writing them scripts for pain meds. That wasn't Sy.

"You really think so?" he gave her the side eye with his baby blues, crushing her with the color like the waves of the ocean she'd just returned from.

"In fact, I know so." she placed a reassuring hand on his broad and thick shoulder. She felt the tension between them hum, like electric current.

"Now, level one, and a steady pace. You're not trying to win any medals here. I'll take those crutches."

"When ya think I can 86 'em damn things?" he griped as he handed over the assistive devices.

"Well, you see Potter again tomorrow? I'll write an update today and send it to him. If he likes what he reads, or more likely pretends to read, regarding your progress, he may discharge them. Do you feel like you can be good to the knee and treat it nice without using crutches? I don't want you to regress and re-injure yourself. That's not gonna get you into your running shoes any sooner."

"I'll be nice. Real gentle." he winked at her…he wasn't just talking about the knee. And she knew it. But again, she pretended she didn't, ignoring once more those butterflies threatening to choke her they were multiplying so fast in her belly.

"Okay, I'll put that in my note. Patient compliant with instructions to be nice." she laughed.

They talked as they biked, Shane sat on the one next to him and pedaled along with him for something to do other than be idle. She thought it made him feel better as well. Like he wasn't doing it alone. They covered the subject of her siblings, an older brother in IT and a younger sister who was an MA, and his German Shepherd, Aika, which he was allowed to bring home from Iraq after they were both honorably discharged. Music, both of them completely in agreeance about the superiority of classic rock.

"I noticed you've worn a Lynyrd Skynyrd shirt a few times and meant to say something before now."

"Yeah, they're one of my favorites. But there are a few newer groups that I like a lot, too. Kings of Leon got me through some tough times, honestly."

"Oh, they're great! I love their sound. And their lyrics…poetry."

"No shit. Sorry." she shook her head and raised up her hands to indicate that he didn't need to apologize to her for swearing. She'd been known to make sailors blush when she was off the clock. "Only by the Night…that whole album is…it's just in my blood, ya know? Ya ever have an album do that?"

"I have. Whole artists catalogs, actually."

"Which artist?" he prodded.

"The Beatles. Pretty much every song. Like you said, it just, like, I dunno, it's almost deeper than the veins. It's in the marrow. My soul." she stared off out the windows ahead of them, thinking about her favorite band in the world and how magical it was to experience Sir Paul McCartney playing some of her favorites live…twice…and the timer on the bike went off, pulling her from her daydream.

She looked over at him, startled by both the noise, and the dreamy look in his eyes that was becoming all too familiar.

"Sorry." she stood, grabbing his crutches for him and handing them back to him from where she had leaned them as they rode.

"Hey, don't be sorry for…ahem…for loving what you love. We should all…hold on to the things that make us feel like that." she nodded.

"Thanks…I don't think a lot of people…understand the way I…my tendency to take things like music, movies, and shows…books…so deeply to my heart." they walked to the treatment room from the gym, taking their time, since they had it. A rare occurrence for Shane, always needing to capitalize on every spare minute. To make productivity a priority.

"I think…that…well, seeing a pretty grim side of the world like I have…seems like there's enough darkness and bullshit making everyone miserable. If we find something…or…someone…that brings us some happiness or even just makes that misery bearable…we oughta hang onto 'em real tight. Cherish it like gold." the silence in the small room was loud with that electrical hum of their tension again. He'd said all the right things, as he always seemed to, but under the absolute wrong circumstances. She just nodded.

"They teach you philosophy in Basic?" she giggled. He laughed back in response.

"Oh, no, Basic was way easier than…whatever goes on inside of us."

"Speaking of which," she segued deftly, "lay back, and let my try to get some range out of that knee before I take new measurements for this update I'm gonna write."

"Yes, ma'am!" he chuckled.

"You get some sick thrill out of calling me that, don't you?" she scowled playfully at him.

"Oh, you have no idea…ma'am." he winked at her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next day, Shane was wondering how Sy's appointment went as she ate her soup at lunch and caught up on her morning notes. She got a ping on messenger.

You have a gentleman caller…*eggplant emoji*  hehe, he's on line three.

Geez…thanks Heather.

No need to ask for a name. She knew Heather meant Sy.

She picked up the phone at her desk in the treatment room.

"Hey Sy! How'd the appointment go?"

"Hey, sunshine…eh…he said I'm doin' good, but he wants me to stay on crutches another two weeks." she could hear grave disappointment in his voice. She felt for him.

"Aww, I'm sorry Sy. I know you wanted off those. And I know they're a pain. Literally and figuratively."

"Why wouldn't he want me off 'em?" he was so frustrated. He must have just left the office.

"Did you ask him that question?"

"You know doctors, Shane. Not like I would have got an answer in plain English. Figured you'd know."

"Well, I haven't seen your post-visit report, but it's my presumption that he wants to play it safe. You know he spent most of his day in the operating room with you, right? An eight hour surgery, you had. He probably doesn't want to undo all that by d/c'ing the crutches too soon."

"I was gonna be careful though, Shane!" he was worked up properly, and she could hear it over the roar of his pickup in the background.

"I know you were, Sy. I'm sure you were going to take all kinds of precautions. But what if you're walking into your kitchen, during a storm, and there's a loud clap of thunder, and Aika gets startled and busts past you? What if you're feeling good one day, and forget about it, and jog to catch up to someone holding the door open for you and miss a stick or something under foot? You can't prepare yourself for every pebble or patch of mud in your path, Sy. Accidents will happen. Some circumstances are beyond our control…we just have to do the best we can. The crutches are going to help you until we get you stronger. That's what we'll focus on until those two weeks are up."

"Why is it you can calm me down like this?" he asked, sincere and truly calmer than he had been.

"I'm just a good therapist, is all."

"Ya don't think that's really all, do ya?" the sound of his deep drawl in her ear from the receiver made her shiver. He was implying something that she just couldn't entertain. It wasn't possible for them right now. Maybe…down the road…in a few weeks…

"I'll see ya tomorrow, Sy. Come ready to work that knee."

"You didn't say no…" he was too hopeful. Damn it, he was cute when he was hopeful. She was glad she couldn't see his face light up like she knew it was doing.

"You may have noted I didn't say yes, either."

"Yet. See ya in the mornin', sunshine."

"Bye, Sy."

She put the receiver in the cradle and her face in her hands.

"Shit."

She had a feeling this particular patient was about to become much more complicated.

Up Next: Chapter Three-Therapeutic Activity

[inessencedevided]

The Untamed, episode 50 - watching notes (part 2)

I had to split these liveblogging notes into two posts because tumblr doesn’t allow for more then 10 pictures in one post and it couldn’t limit myyself on the screenshots ^^

Click here for part 1!

THE HUG!!!

People so rarely HUG on this show!!! 😭😭😭

So of course, wwx immediately jokes

Guys he's OKAY!

That's wwx, not exactly like from the start, he couldn't be, but that's HIM. He's healing!! 😭😭😭

A Yuan You Little Shit!!! 😂

Embarrassing your dad in front of your other dad

"And when a pretty lady passes by..." 😂

That's the face of a man who does NOT want his husband to hear such a thing :D

And look at lwj's face

That SMILE!!!

Don't tell me this isn't the little family he longed for all these years that wei Wuxian was dead! 😭😭😭

"I will still plant you in that pit. Understand?"

Oh, he's immediately in parent mode. I'm overflowing with emotions gute 😭😭😭

I only noticed this when o took the screenshot but IS HE TOUCHING THE HEADBAND? 😭

And more importantly, lan Sizhui is letting him!

THE LEG HUG 😭😭😭😭

THEY'RE A FAMILY YOU GUYS!!!

They're little and broken but good, yes, still good 😭😭😭😭

Wen Ning 💔😥

I'm not good with good byes 😭

He'll walk back to cloud recess with A Yuan! 😭😭😭

"For the rode ahead, let me be on my own."

I'm so proud of him!!!!

But still so so so sad

This feels like saying good bye to a friend guys

Or like the end of lotr when the fellowship parts. It's that sadness that settles in your stomach like a warm cup of tea. It's still sadness, but it's comforting

I'm trying to somehow give wird to what I'm feeling because it's just SO much

Lan Zhan ... what are you doing?

No

Don't let these two part as well

No

No

I can't deal with that

No

No

Holy shit that silence

That silence after their melody

Guys no

Okay, there's still 12 minutes kettle

Holy shit it's Gusu

They're both at Gusu

That gave me scare

THEIR SONG!!

I'm still crying ...

WHAT A SHOT!!

I haven't stopped crying in a bout 20 minutes btw

They got their wish guys! 😭😭😭

And... lwj is chief cultivator now? Did I catch that right?

These two!!!!!

WHAT AN ENDING!!!

I'm not used to getting these okay?? 😭😭

Whaaaaaaaat

Right!

There's still the nie Huaisang question 😳

I cried so much I nearly forgot

Wait ... that's... that's

Was he the one who sent the letter????

😱😱😱

SO IT WAS HIM????!!!!

The whole plot against jgy's plot was HIM???

IT WAS HIM!!!

I

Am

Floored

Wait what???

He even let Mo Xuanyu out, leading to wei Wuxian's resurrection?

I hadn't even made that connection!!!

WHAT KIMD OF CHARACTER OS THIS??

Like holy ... shit

They had me

Right until ... well really now, though I did suspect something for a second last episode

But still

They had me!

I did not see that coming!

😳

NO!!!

Can you not head different ways???😭😭😭

Can you not do this to me TWICE show??

Oh god, the way they look at each other

"I will wander the world and make it my own." Oh god guys. Guys. It FITS! The orphan, the outcast, the untamed. He's embracing it! 😭

And lan Wangji... he's chief cultivator. He can't always wander around ... 💔💔

Guys ...

"As long as the sea is bound to wash up on the sand, and stars are above you, we will meet again."

Fuck it, that deserved cursives

I. Cannot. Explain. To you what I'm feeling right now

This this right here

I love it and I hate it

This kind of bitter-sweet and gentle and peaceful "until we meet again"

It hits so so deep

That's... that's life

A thousand "until we meet again"s, even to those you love most

And there is nothing more tender than a promise, we will!

And it fits! As bitter-sweet as it is! It's also so them! They've always kept each other go when they needed it. Because that's what you do for those you love. You let them go. :')

Guys ... I'm overflowing with emotion

OH MY GOD WANGXIAN 😭😭😭

"Way ahead of you."

He was!!! He was!!!

Always one step ahead :')

It's a promise! All of this! This whole ending! It's bittersweet and a parting of the ways, but every sentence spoken is a promise: "We will find each other"!!!

Guys ...

I'm crying so hard

This hits something deep in me

I'm not going to tell you half my life's story but "let go of what you love" is something I learned early and this hits EXACTLY that spot

But ... in a good way 😅

I ...

Again the sound I made when the big orchestral wangxian part ended and it was just wei Wuxian's flute playing was not human

I watched it without typing from there, quite frankly, partly because I was hiccuping, trying to hold in sobs

So what I'm writing now is after I've finished watching.

I honestly can't explain to you what I'm feeling now. That last scene ...

The flute playing into the silence ... already did so much to me

And then

And then

And ...

I have no words

I still have tears in my eyes typing this, even though I took five minutes to get myself together

What I can't show in screenshot, but what took my breath away the most was the fact that Wei Wuxian stops playing just before the end of the song

It's the second to last note he's ending on and ....

The last note of Wangxian never gets played!!!

The song isn't over!

WANGXIAN isn't over! 😭😭😭

I ... I can't put into words what that did to me

I heard that last note that REALLY WASNT THE LAST NOTE and I gasped

Because it just klicked in that moment

Something in my head klicked that THIS WAS HOW THEY'RE TELLING US !!!

This song isn't over

This STORY, their story, isn't over!

And that silence right after the song didn't quite end it took my breath away

It's like the show is telling us!

The silence! THE SILENCE IS WHAT MATTERS!

Look at the space in between! Listen to the silence! Listen to that note that could not be played! This! This is what we're ending on! Listen!

I want to bow down to whover wrote and directed this show!

Guys! I don't know how the book ends (and don't tell me!!) But they took the fact that they can't make this romance "explicit" and made poetry instead ...

All of it ALL OF IT is a promise: "we will meet again", "way ahead of you", the song isn't over, "Wei Ying" ... it's all a promise

I'm speechless

I'm crying and I'm smiling and I can't stop!

And then, of course, that last shot

The one wwx is smiling at Lan Wangji outside the shot (because again, look at what we can not show you!)

I cannot even begin to describe how happy I am that his smiling face as he looks at lan Wangji is the last thing were seeing

I'm smiling. I have tears streaming down my face and I'm smiling. :')

And then EVEN THE THANK YOU NOTE AT THE END FITS THE THEME!!! 😭😭😭

"Thanks to the author, Mo Xiang Tong Chou for bringing the characters to life."

"May their wishes come true thereafter." 😭😭😭

"Until next time."

.

.

.

I ... I'm speechless

@sweetlittlevampire @fandom-glazed @elenirlachlagos @allhailthedramallama @luckymoony @kyrrahbird @i-love-him-on-purpose

Thank you thank you thank you guys! (I might be a tat more emotional than usual right now 😅) honestly, thank you for the great discussions and your insights and reading my rambling and especially thanks to those of you who got me to watch this show in the first place. I am so so so happy right now and so sad that it's over! 💙🖤

[needtherapy]

soaring, carried aloft on the wind...continued 16

A story for Xichen and Mingjue, in another time and another place.

The Beifeng, the mighty empire of the north, invaded more than a year ago, moving inexorably south and east.

In order to buy peace, the chief of the Lan clan has given the Beifeng warlord a gift, his second oldest son in marriage. However, when Xichen finds out he makes a plan.

He, too, can give a gift to the Beifeng warlord, and he will not regret it.

Part 1: 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13  Part 2: 14 / 15 / 16 … HOME

It’s complete on AO3 here.

Notes: Check the tags if you’re concerned about the pairings ;)

For translations of the entirely fictitious Beifeng language, you’ll have to scroll to notes. I’m only going to translate something that’s not clear in the text. Sadly, there’s just not any other good way to do it on Tumblr!

Chapter 16 Now

It rains for a week as spring approaches, great sheets of water that turn the Ikarahu camp into rivers of mud. Everyone is miserable, dirty, and fractious. Huaisang and Guangyao get into an argument that ends in shouting, and they stop talking to each other for three days, taking turns complaining to Xichen. Even Mingjue seems altered—pensive and solemn, his boisterous affection distracted by thoughts he doesn’t share. Xichen spends most of his time reading and avoiding people, huddling under blankets by his warm brazier.

But once the storms pass and all the water seeps back into the ground, the end of winter turns sunny and clear, as if the gods are apologizing for their earlier tantrum.

After so many days inside, Xichen welcomes Huaisang’s suggestion of a day’s ride into the foothills to the west of the camp. He’s aware that there is likely a secondary reason for the suggestion—with Huaisang, there is rarely only one reason—but the chance to feel the wind on his face overrides any care he has for Huaisang’s schemes.

They are a larger group than Xichen expected: himself, Huaisang, Guangyao, Qingyang, Titakau, and three guards. But of course they would need guards. Even Huaisang would not be so incautious as to risk their safety, and now that he considers it, three guards seems like fewer than Mingjue would have insisted on. Xichen wonders if Huaisang made his brother aware of his plans.

After only a few minutes of riding, a rolling canter that, on Liebing’s light feet, feels almost as smooth as walking, Xichen slows at the sound of pounding hoofbeats behind them.

“Aurakat! Wingani! Roka eneti di eta hira om ga tega ehi heromu,” Mingjue yells, pulling up his horse in front of Huaisang and forcing him to stop.

“Three soldiers for four people is plenty, anakau,” Huaisang argues. “Unless you think Xichen is incapable of defending himself.”

It is a low blow, and Xichen has to bite his lip to keep from laughing at Mingjue’s consternation.

“I did mention we were having a picnic. What did you think that meant?” Huaisang asks with a flippant smirk.

“Will you come with us, ahoraho?” Xichen asks, distracting Mingjue, who looks ready to tackle Huasiang off his horse. “If you are not too busy?”

With a huff, Mingjue scowls at Huaisang one more time before falling back to join Xichen. They ride in silence for a while, in part because Xichen is at a loss for words. Without the army, without the camp, he’s not sure what to talk about. He has rarely felt awkward around Mingjue, but he suddenly can’t think of a single thing to say. Instead he watches his friends. Qingyang laughs at something Titakau says, and Xichen can see Titakau smiling, even from here. Ahead of them, Huaisang pokes Guangyao in the shoulder and points to something in the distance, the silhouette of a huge eagle eventually gliding into sight, banking above them and heading north, toward the mountains. Guangyao watches the path of the bird until it disappears from sight.

“Poets in my country speak of your land as empty and barren, but I think they have never been here,” Mingjue says suddenly, breaking the silence. “There is beauty in your plains and hills, as there is in our datik.”

Xichen blinks at him, taken aback by Mingjue’s interest in poetry as much as his continued insistence that the mountains of Xichen’s home are mere hills.

Mingjue grins, reading Xichen’s expression. “They are not even covered in snow, Xichen. But tell me, do your poets write of Ikara?”

They do, and Xichen tells him that Ikara is seen as a mystical place, frightful and wild, with giants of men who ravage maidens and warrior women who wield dark magic. Mingjue roars with laughter.

“Xichen, you are kindio touha...more danger...hm...more dangerous...than most of our people. Although I do not know how it is possible. How do your people grow strong drinking the weak tea?”

Xichen pretends to be offended as he explains the supremacy of delicate, aged white tea. After so many months, it is unexpectedly charming to see yet another side of Mingjue. Xichen hadn’t fully appreciated how heavily caring for the well-being of so many people weighs on Mingjue. Within the encampment, Mingjue is always kipakau, always the general. But the further they get from the city of tents, the less he seems like a commander and more like an ordinary man Xichen doesn’t know well enough yet.

They enter a copse of pine trees, and Xichen is subdued by the beauty of this evergreen forest. Even though it is not yet true spring, there is the whisper of wind in the boughs, bird song all around him, and the peace of it inhabits him like home. When they emerge into a clearing on the other side of the woods, a quiet lake with the remains of summer reeds on its shores lays before them. Xichen nearly asks how Huaisang knew it was here, because it is clearly his intended destination.

“Time for lunch!” Huaisang announces as he dismounts, and with an unnecessarily dramatic gesture, he sets up a large flame burning in the grass.

Even with no wood to sustain it, the flame produces heat, fueled by the magic in the air. Xichen and Guangyao exchange a look. It is another reminder of how different Ikarahu magic is, and Xichen wonders how long the fire can last.

The ground is dry, if cold, and they unpack thick wool blankets to sit on. Their three guards’ horses had been carrying baskets of food, all designed to be eaten cold, as well as jars of ale and water, and Xichen is amused at how carefully Huaisang has prepared this adventure.

Huaisang whistles and Kitingi joins them, although she settles on Guangyao’s shoulder, not Huaisang’s, and bites his hair affectionately. He hands her tiny pieces of food he usually has at the ready. Guangyao’s face softens as it always does around Kitingi, and he scratches the top of her head, smoothing her feathers as she eats. Xichen thinks she might prefer Guangyao even to Mingjue these days.

Titakau whispers something to Qingyang, and Qingyang laughs. “I don’t know, auhani. I’ll ask. Why doesn’t she fly away? She isn’t tethered like the other munaku.”

“I feed her too well,” Huaisang jokes, but Mingjue gives her a true answer. “Aurakat only pretends he does not care,” he explains, smirking at Huaisang as though revealing a deep, dark secret, and Huaisang throws a cup at him. “He raised her from a chick. She could leave any time, but she stays for love.”

They finish eating, and then they sword fight. It would have been a strange way to pass the afternoon in the Cloud Recesses, but Huaisang claims to be cold after their meal and challenges his brother to a duel, a match even Xichen has never seen before. It shouldn’t have been a contest, but once they start, it’s obvious that Huaisang has learned from spending his life sparring with Mingjue. He knows every counter to every move, and he even pulls out his kitingi fan as an extra distraction, blocking Kaumadis with hard swipes and spinning the sharp blades of the fan in front of Mingjue’s face. It doesn’t seem likely that he’ll win, but he keeps Mingjue on his toes until Mingjue laughingly dodges a parry and picks Huaisang up, slinging him over his shoulder and depositing him back onto a blanket by Guangyao.

“Enough! You will have me dancing for hours, anati,” he says and looks as though he intends to sit too, but Xichen stands.

“Will you dance with me, ahoraho?” he asks, drawing Sikunadis, and Mingjue’s eyes darken.

Xichen likes that look on Mingjue’s face. He turns his back to the rest of the group, biting his lip and giving Mingjue a private smile he intends to convey just how much. Mingjue shakes his head.

“You do not fight fair, aitapaho,” he complains with a wink.

It is not a serious bout, not in the tall dry grass, and not after Mingjue has already sparred with Huaisang, but Xichen never tires of learning how he can use Sikunadis differently than an ordinary sword. As Huaisang had suspected, the sword responds to his magic, filling like a well, holding the power for as long as necessary and allowing Xichen to recover his strength. And when he pushes in more power than the sword can hold, the release is magnified, a brilliant explosion of darkness and light that can fling even a shielded attacker away.

Xichen would not say he is showing off, but at first, he lets Mingjue take more risks and get closer than usual, leaning back to let Kaumadis glide past his face, flipping sideways to evade strikes, and putting even more speed into his parries. When he realizes Mingjue is tiring, he runs his fingers across the back of Mingjue’s neck as he spins behind him, grinning when Mingjue groans and falters.

He wins against Mingjue easily and far too quickly, only using enough of the power reserves inside Sikunadis to buzz against Mingjue when he tags him on the back first, then the stomach. Mingjue falls to the ground, laughing and raising his hands in defeat. He holds Xichen’s gaze just long enough to promise rewards when they get back to camp, long enough to make Xichen grin foolishly.

“Guangyao? Do you wish to fight with me?” Xichen asks, not wanting to leave anyone out, and Guangyao deliberates before shaking his head.

“I am no expert, and Zewu-Jun is. I might only be able to keep up with Oringa'anhu Ikira,” he says, entirely serious, smiling only when Huaisang realizes he’s been insulted and reacts with mock outrage.

Qingyang declines as well, but to Xichen’s surprise, Titakau agrees to fight, borrowing Huaisang’s sword. She has excellent form and technique, and she is nearly as quick as Xichen. She catches him off guard twice, forcing him to scramble to block. They end the match in a draw, and Xichen compliments her skill. She ducks her head and tells him that her father is a swordsmith, and she has held a sword since she was a baby.

“Ei kamhawa mau peita ei eta ino iro tiato, gani ora anot inko paketau sima auha di Ipira'orhew Ikira. Et paketau di sima eta kipakau,” Titakau says, smiling shyly.

Qingyang translates, “My father was embarrassed when I became a healer, but now he is so proud that I am in service to Ipira'orhew Ikira. Everyone is proud to serve the crown prince.” With a quick grin that lights her eyes, Qingyang adds, “I am as well, you know.”

Mingjue makes a sound of dismissal and shakes his head, but he’s smiling. There is a thoughtful crease in Guangyao’s eyebrows for a split second before Kitingi leaps off of his shoulder with a sudden scream, flapping high into the air and wheeling to dive into the nearby underbrush. Huaisang and Guangyao follow her to see if she snared whatever she was hunting.

Xichen is curious about which part of Titakau’s words intrigued Guangyao, but he lets the thought go when Mingjue wraps a blanket around him and kisses Xichen’s cheek, sitting next to him with a sigh. Xichen pulls Mingjue’s hand under the blanket and rubs his thumb over Mingjue’s knuckles, leaning against him to absorb his warmth. He wonders what his father or brother would think of how easily he shows and accepts affection like the Ikarahu. He had never minded the formal distance his family kept in the Cloud Recesses. It had felt respectful and unintrusive. But now he craves the simplest touch; there is a space inside him that can never be full enough. Wangji would probably look away in embarrassment, he thinks. Or, remembering the look on Wangji’s face when he talked about his archer, maybe not. He can’t hide his smile and he decides not to ruin his day by thinking about what his father’s reaction might be. Perhaps he is an unfilial son, but he is glad his father will never have the chance to disapprove.

Guangyao and Huaisang finally retrieve a chattering Kitingi from the bush clutching a finch in her claws, and somehow, they are arguing. It’s only been minutes, and Xichen can’t understand how they’ve already found something to disagree about.

“An ambush will not work,” Guangyao says as they rejoin the group, unhooking the two birds and setting the little finch free. “I don’t care if your hawk is always successful. You’ve been camped outside of Jinlin Tai for months. They know you’re here.”

“That’s why it will work, Guangyao,” Huaisang explains, patient to the point of condescension. “They expect us to continue the siege or bring the whole army. We’ve tried waiting patiently. A frontal assault will result in too many casualties. Perhaps we need a different strategy.”

Guangyao’s eyes narrow, and he frowns. “Perhaps you should stop pestering them entirely.”

Huaisang’s grin is swift and careless, but his voice softens. “You know we won’t. Perhaps they should give in.”

Xichen wonders if they realize how obvious it is that they aren’t only talking about Jinlin Tai anymore.

Notes: Aurakat! Wingani! Roka eneti di eta hira om ga tega ehi heromu. = Aurakat! You idiot! This is not enough men for safety.

[starkeaton]

the adventure zone: graduation character list

Well, i accidentally deleted the original graduation character list post, so here i am making another one. Oops. And as always, if anyone has important details i should add then feel free to suggest them!

Here are all the characters introduced in episodes 1-25. Named characters only!

Also i can’t hide spoilers! So, um..... I can’t put spoilers on this one. If you need the version with spoilers try this version of the post that i made on the adventure zone subreddit but youre not missing out on much.

# -EPISODE 1- (19 characters)

Hieronymous Wiggenstaff (he/him): Head of the Hero/Villain school. at least 400 years old. wears shining blue armor with gold accents. also an elf. according to Tomas, he led the charge at the "battle of blood valley", brought the Kingdoms of Rickart and Dawnbreak to a peace treaty, and founded the school. a little boastful, a little prideful, [SPOILERS OMITTED], and overall a pretty good dude.

Higglemas Wiggenstaff (he/him): Head of the Sidekick/Henchperson annex, cranky old elf. has a dog named hero who shows no signs of anything strange at all, ever. 

Gary (he/him): friendly room gargoyle. pseudo-hivemind.

Groundsy (he/him): the groundskeeper. a pretty nice fellow. don't go in his shed.

Hernandez (he/him): beautiful centaur professor of animal handling.

Jimson (he/him): human battlegrounds trainer for sidekicks/henchpeople, world famous featherweight champion, wields a staff. married to crushman.

Crushman (he/him): silver dragonborn with a sickle, and self-described beefy boy! heavyweight blood champion married to jimson. never lost a match for 8 years. full name Frostus Crushman.

Rolandus Fontaine (he/him): former prince, son of deposed king, kind of an asshole, maybe. wears a cape (important detail)

Zana (she/her): "terrifying" tiefling villain sorcerer, friend of rolandus. barkept the test tavern in ep2

Rhodes (she/her): hero ranger, friend of rolandus.

Buckminster Eden (he/him): hero guy. son of "The Iron Lord". their dad is stronger than rolandus's dad. his wiki page says rogue so i think hes a rogue? i never caught that and ive listened more times than i wish i did

Leon (he/him): softspoken buff, bald "fighter" (although i dont remember any clarification on how exactly he fights), sidekick of buckminster, around 28. anyone else keep forgetting he's bald? i keep forgetting it. >!gets sorta-drafted into becoming a falcon for higglemas and so far hasn't done much else.!<

Rainer Michelle (she/her): cheerful villainous necromancer with a floating chair. also, her name is pronounced "rainier" despite not being confirmed as such? travis ships her with fitzroy.

Tomas (he/him): human man with "kind eyes" and a good (psychic???) memory. guidance counselor.

Stewart LeBoeuf (he/him): brawny human man. serves food. there is no joke here, i promise

Mulligan (he/him): teaches potions. mentioned but doesn't appear yet. and we're like 25 episodes in. maybe we'll see him someday

Germaine, Victoria, Rattles (he/him,she/her,???/???): Skeleton crew. They live in the training room i guess, and as a result can never die, because "no one dies in the training room!" (note: someone now HAS to die in the training room). also their races are never explicitly stated but i guess they're probably human? in episode 3 travis brings up something about how many bones are in "the human body" and at this point i think i'm looking too deep into this so i'll just forget about it and you probably should too.

# -EPISODE 2- (9 characters)

Riveau (he/him): halfling, blame-taking teacher.

Mimi (they/them): gnome sidekick who builds cool robot prosthetics

Bartholemus (he/him): owl aarakocra accountant teacher, known for being the best accountant in the land and having a face some might describe as "smoochable". very pro capitalist :’( hope he gets better

Ramos (she/her): goliath teacher of shieldwork. *

Dip (she/her): sidekick, half-orc twin of pip

Pip (she/her): hero, half-orc twin of dip

Festo (they/them): fairy with "beautiful gossamer wings", independent study teacher of magic, loves to party

Snippers (he/him?): Let me tell you my story about Snippers the magic crab. When Travis gave the list of animals that Griffin could choose as Fitzroy's familiar's current form, he listed crab near the start, and this gave me excitement. Now i knew that crab was pretty unlikely but god i hoped that he would choose it. When the list went on- Bat, Cat, Crab, Frog, Hawk, Lizard, Owl, Poisonous Snake, Fish, Rat, Raven, Seahorse, Spider or Weasel- I nearly lost hope. I was hoping so hard that Griffin would choose the crab, but i was ready to accept a non-crab familiar. It was just buried in that list. It wasn't the most useful animal and it was an obscure pick. And as Travis informed him that it didn't have to keep the form for the whole campaign, Griffin said those five words i wanted to hear so, so badly. "Well then it's a crab." Folks, I do not often react physically when something happens in media. But in that moment, i remember very clearly, i fist-pumped and yelled, "YES!!!!!!"

so anyway, Fitzroy has a crab.

Jackle (he/him): kenku teacher of sneakery. creepy dude. apparently knows something about argo? also his name is not spelled "jackal" for some reason. Also in later episodes theyve started calling him "The Jackle" for some reason??? *

# -EPISODE 3- (1 character)

Dakota (they/them): tavern instructor, clad in black/red leather. no race stated? probably human. *

# -EPISODE 4- (6 characters)

Gerry & Tom (she/her, he/him): shopkeepers at barns and nobles who seem to have very bad names. also constantly competing for customers? these guys got dropped faster than the heathcliff quests, which is honestly just sad.

Barb (she/her): the bartender. runs Springs Eternal in Last Hope. has a sweet seeing-eye hawk familiar. 

Jaryd Reginald (he/him): owner of Reginald Ore. Wants the workers to be held responsible for the damage caused by the xorn. (fun fact: originally i wrote down "Jerrod" because i wanted it to sound like a fantasy name, then realized it was probably "Jared" because theyre named after listeners, but i was pleased to find it confirmed that it's actually "Jaryd")

Candice (she/her): A Miner. thought those werent allowed in bars but, i guess not. Wants the mine owner to be held responsible for the xorn's damage.

Jade Johnson Esq. (she/her): lawyer.

# -EPISODE 5- (1 character)

Xorn: a big hungry gem eating guy from the plane of earth Low-Down Deep with 3 arms and 3 legs. why did travis just say "multi-armed" instead of specifying it was 3? who knows! Anyway it leaves

# -EPISODE 6- (3 characters)

Osric (he/him): the man, the myth, the bursar. finally shows up after being mentioned in episodes 2 and 4. he's an elf. 

breeze through the willows (she/her): Pegasus attacked by demons, lost her parents. introduced in ep1 but gets a name here so fuck it. also in ep>!16!< we find out shes a "white arabian pegasus" and i dont think thats a spoiler bc we shouldve really known it from the beginning

Sabor (he/him): Librarian/research teacher. also a TORTLE. Really good at recalling stuff, i guess. kinda reminds me of Tomas's memory thing but i'm sure that's just a coincidence... *

# -EPISODE 7- (1 character)

Mosh (he/him): The goliath blacksmith who welcomes argo into the unbroken chain. Also, and this is specific to the tumblr version of this post, all the characters with an * at the end of their descriptions are also members of the unbroken chain. if someone knows how to do spoilers on tumblr please tell me

# -EPISODE 8-

:)

# -EPISODE 9- (2 characters)

Eeiïäá#æ&éñn (pronounced like "Ian") (he/him?): an imp but without a shitty voice. also happens to not be violent. what a coincidence?

Terence (he/him): a chain devil with a real demonic name. minor boss of the imps. very convincing and very threatening. has the frightening ability to make you zone out during his fight

# -EPISODE 10- (2 characters)

Althea Song (she/her): elf with autumn-orange hair. representative from heroic oversight guild. i'd like to personally thank travis for spelling her name out.

Crabtree (she/her): Artificing teacher. Long gray hair with a long grey beard. no mentioned race, one might guess dwarf but that would be an assumption i suppose. also unbroken chain member, presumably the dwarf argo didn't recognize in episode 7.

# -EPISODE 11- (3 characters)

Marie (she/her): Grey-haired elf woman. She's the school's physician, i guess. Member of the unbroken chain.

Dendra Maplecourt (she/her): Fitzroy's mom. Has hot mint gum, i guess. She was mentioned earlier but i wasn't convinced she was a real person until this episode

Cool Gary (he/him): AYY ITS ME GARYR

# -EPISODE 12-

no new characters again!

# -EPISODE 13- (7 characters hhhyyyuu)

Kale (???/???): Head of the Placement Department, in charge of real world assignments. First mentioned in Ep4 but i missed that the last few times bc it is so brief. Gives exposition about missions i guess????? is that the only reason this chara cter exists

satyr thief (unnamed) (he/him): tries to rob thundermen, dies instantly

Ogre (he/him): teamed up with the satyr. his name is ogre.

Moon (he/him): A Sidekick. small pale sullen guy. no mentioned race. Why is there another FUCKING sidekick WE HAD ENOUGH hhhyuuuuuu

Deanna (she/her): A bigoted centaur with an obnoxious voice. Malwin the Strong's second in command.

Malwin the Strong (she/her): Leader of the centaurs of the scarlet woods. Wants to appease the spirit of the scarlet woods so that thecentaurs of the scarlet woods will be protected in the scarlet woods. Had a relationship with Arturas in the past but their clashes are currently known to get pretty heated.

Arturas (he/him): Leader of the Centaurs of the Valley, i guess. Had a relationship with Malwin. Centaur. Did i mention centaur? i cant think of anything else about this character

# -EPISODE 14- (2 characters)

Calhain (he/him): Human wizard, Malwin's magical advisor. Kind of an amateur wizard in a job high above his skill level. Graduated Wigginstaff's as a hero.

Spirit of the Scarlet Woods: A spirit who requires sacrifice in order to keep Malwin's herd safe and prosperous. Not keen on dubiously canonical combos, i guess. i wouldnt be either. also apparently the sacrifice depends on personal value, not how much value it has to the spirit.

# -EPISODE 15- (2 characters)

Sylvia Nite (she/her): Fitzroy's magic theory teacher at knight night school, who he turned into a catfish by accident. oops!

Chaos (they/them, maybe more): Presumably a deity, gave Fitz his powers and wants him to give in to his chaotic desires. (physical desc: 9 foot tall, iridescent 'mother of pearl' skin, pure white eyes, fine burgundy cloak with gold/onyx lining. their physical form beyond that seems to change every time they show up.)

# -EPISODE 16-

none -w-

# -EPISODE 17-

some demins happened. the big dudes are called "Pit Fiends" and the armored demon ladies are called "Erinyes", by the way. that was incredibly hard for me to figure out the first time, especially without headphones, i thought travis was saying "pig feet" and i just could not discern what the other things were

# -EPISODE 18- (6 characters)

snow on the mountain: shire horse pegasus

storm at sea: peruvian paso pegasus, vehement defender of The Guardian. doesn't have a goofy voice.. but he could have....

thaw of the spring: a winged horse

night of no clouds: a winged hhorse

The Guardian: "An ancient and powerful being that guards the unknown forest." Has protected the flock from demons for many many years. apparently is the voice that was talking to our firbolg in episode 1?

Grey, the Demon Prince (he/him): wants to cause a war, originally wanted to kill hiero and higgs, forces the heroes to build an army to fight his. As "Fauxronimous", he has skin the *color and pattern of* (but not necessarily made of) slate splashed with liquid, pointed ears, sharp teeth, shining eyes, horns of unspecified shape. 12 fucking feet tall. wonder if the slate-looking skin is related to garys. plot twist detected? Also i recently looked at the episode descriptions and found out his name is spelled "Gray", but really does it truly matter?

# -EPISODE 19- (2 characters)

Shabree Keene (she/her): Argo's mom, killed on the Mariah, possibly by the Commodore. Long auburn hair, green eyes. Mentioned earlier but described here, so fuck it.

**Thomas** (he/him): Argo's first mate on the Mariah, as the Kraken, in his chaos-dream. may or may not actually exist.

# -EPISODE 20- (1 character)

The Commodore (he/him): Reknowned hero of the seas, military regalia, great naval hero, presumably responsible for the death of Shabree Keene. No mentioned race. Seriously, they never mention this guy's race. The only thing described about him is how he's dressed and his evil smile. Does that mean he's human? Elf? Dwarf??? Who knows! maybe it just doesnt matter. 

# -EPISODE 21-

none

# -EPISODE 22-

not any of them. not any.

# -EPISODE 23- (1 character)

Ozymondelius (sp???) (it/its): A warforged teacher who just so happens to like war or something? i guess its in the name. only mentioned in this episode, doesnt show up yet.

# -EPISODE 24-

they have a fight in the training room but nobody dies :\\ maybe next time. also no new characters. pog

# -EPISODE 25- (4 characters)

Gherkin (he/him): Tall lankier skeleton, has a scimitar and a merkin, which is a pubic wig... and he wears a jerkin? which i guess is a kind of coat? also i think hes mute 

Tibia (she/her?) : Shorter skeleton with gold teeth, and long canines. i think both of the skeletons are mute actually.

The Lich King aka Gordy (he/him): Rainer's dad. Commands armies of the undead. lives in The Crypt. described as a hooded, skull-faced man with intricate black lines on his face, but changes to a shaved-head man with dark skin and vetiligo. Abandoned as a babby, raised by traveling parents, had necromancy powers, took Rainier in. Not actually very scary at all i don't know why he did the creepy laugh. Kind of a warm fatherly figure actually. hm. also people are speculating Gordy might be short for Gordita and his parents are maybe supposed to be lup and barry but THAT S JUST A THEORY.

our firbolg's father (he/him): A firbolg who lived by the code and was there when our firbolg was banished. Came to respect our firbolg's interest in a new way of life, in his final moments.

TOTAL: 72 NPCS! (well, including 2 extra PCs, i guess.)

Average: 2.88 NPCs per episode.

i was gonna not include the bone-PCs and have it be 69 but our firbolg's dad was just too important to not respect with a spot on the list.

anyway as always make sure to smack me with a blunt object if i forgot any characters!!!!!

[tswiftdaily]

In the 2010s, she went from country superstar to pop titan and broke records with chart-topping albums and blockbuster tours. Now Swift is using her industry clout to fight for artists’ rights and foster the musical community she wished she had coming up.

One evening in late-October, before she performed at a benefit concert at the Hollywood Bowl in Los Angeles, Taylor Swift’s dressing room became -- as it often does -- an impromptu summit of music’s biggest names. Swift was there to take part in the American Cancer Society’s annual We Can Survive concert alongside Billie Eilish, Lizzo, Camila Cabello and others, and a few of the artists on the lineup came by to visit.

Eilish, along with her mother and her brother/collaborator, Finneas O’Connell, popped in to say hello -- the first time she and Swift had met. Later, Swift joined the exclusive club of people who have seen Marshmello without his signature helmet when the EDM star and his manager stopped by.

“Two dudes walked in -- I didn’t know which one was him,” recalls Swift a few weeks later, sitting on a lounge chair in the backyard of a private Beverly Hills residence following a photo shoot. Her momentary confusion turned into a pang of envy. “It’s really smart! Because he’s got a life, and he can get a house that doesn’t have to have a paparazzi-proof entrance.” She stops to adjust her gray sweatshirt dress and lets out a clipped laugh.

Swift, who will celebrate her 30th birthday on Dec. 13, has been impossibly famous for nearly half of her lifetime. She was 16 when she released her self-titled debut album in 2006, and 20 when her second album, Fearless, won the Grammy Award for album of the year in 2010, making her the youngest artist to ever receive the honor. As the decade comes to a close, Swift is one of the most accomplished musical acts of all time: 37.3 million albums sold, according to Nielsen Music; 95 entries on the Billboard Hot 100 (including five No. 1s); 23 Billboard Music Awards; 12 Country Music Association Awards; 10 Grammys; and five world tours.

She also finishes the decade in a totally different realm of the music world from where she started. Swift’s crossover from country to pop -- hinted at on 2012’s Red and fully embraced on 2014’s 1989 -- reflected a mainstream era in which genres were blended with little abandon, where artists with roots in country, folk and trap music could join forces without anyone raising eyebrows. (See: Swift’s top 20 hit “End Game,” from 2017’s reputation, which featured Ed Sheeran and Future.)

Swift’s new album, Lover, released in August, is both a warm break from the darkness of reputation -- which was created during a wave of negative press generated by Swift’s public clash with Kanye West and Kim Kardashian-West -- as well as an amalgam of all her stylistic explorations through the years, from dreamy synth-pop to hushed country. “The skies were opening up in my life,” says Swift of the album, which garnered three Grammy nominations, including song of the year for the title track.

She recorded Lover after the Reputation Stadium Tour broke the record for the highest-grossing U.S. tour late last year. In 2020, Swift will embark on Lover Fest, a run of stadium dates that will feature a hand-picked lineup of artists (as yet unannounced) and allow Swift more time off from the road. “This is a year where I have to be there for my family -- there’s a lot of question marks throughout the next year, so I wanted to make sure that I could go home,” says Swift, likely referencing her mother’s cancer diagnosis, which inspired the Lover heart-wrencher “Soon You’ll Get Better.”

Now, however, Swift finds herself in a different highly publicized dispute. This time it’s with Scott Borchetta, the head of her former label, Big Machine Records, and Scooter Braun, the manager-mogul whose Ithaca Holdings acquired Big Machine Label Group and its master recordings, which include Swift’s six pre-Lover albums, in June. Upon news of the sale, Swift wrote in a Tumblr post that it was her “worst case scenario,” accusing Braun of “bullying” her throughout her career due to his connections with West. She maintains today that she was never given the opportunity to buy her masters outright. (On Tumblr, she wrote that she was offered the chance to “earn” back the masters to one of her albums for each new album she turned in if she re-signed with Big Machine; Borchetta disputed this characterization, saying she had the opportunity to acquire her masters in exchange for re-signing with the label for a “length of time” -- 10 more years, according to screenshots of legal documents posted on the Big Machine website.)

Swift has said that she intends to rerecord her first six albums next year -- starting next November, when she says she’s contractually able to -- in order to regain control of her recordings. But the back-and-forth appears to be nowhere near over: Last month, Swift alleged that Borchetta and Braun were blocking her from performing her past hits at the American Music Awards or using them in an upcoming Netflix documentary -- claims Big Machine characterized as “false information” in a response that did not get into specifics. (Swift ultimately performed the medley she had planned.) In the weeks following this interview, Braun said he was open to “all possibilities” in finding a “resolution,” and Billboard sources say that includes negotiating a sale. Swift remains interested in buying her masters, though the price could be a sticking point, given her rerecording plans, the control she has over the licensing of her music for film and TV, and the market growth since Braun’s acquisition.

However it plays out, the battle over her masters is the latest in a series of moves that has turned Swift into something of an advocate for artists’ rights -- and made her a cause that everyone from Halsey to Elizabeth Warren has rallied behind. From 2014 to 2017, Swift withheld her catalog from Spotify to protest the streaming company’s compensation rates, saying in a 2014 interview, “There should be an inherent value placed on art. I didn’t see that happening, perception-wise, when I put my music on Spotify.” In 2015, ahead of the launch of Apple Music, Swift wrote an open letter criticizing Apple for its plan to not pay royalties during the three-month free trial it was set to offer listeners; the company announced a new policy within 24 hours. Most recently, when she signed a new global deal with Universal Music Group in 2018, Swift (who is now on Republic Records) said one of the conditions of her contract was that UMG share proceeds from any sale of its Spotify equity with its roster of artists -- and make them nonrecoupable against those artists’ earnings.

During a wide-ranging conversation, Billboard’s Woman of the Decade expresses hope that she can help make the lives of creators a little easier in the years to come -- and a belief that her behind-the-scenes strides will be as integral to her legacy as her biggest singles. “New artists and producers and writers need work, and they need to be likable and get booked in sessions, and they can’t make noise -- but if I can, then I’m going to,” promises Swift. This is where being impossibly famous can be a very good thing. “I know that it seems like I’m very loud about this,” she says, “but it’s because someone has to be.”

While watching some of your performances this year -- like Saturday Night Live and NPR’s Tiny Desk Concert -- I was struck by how focused you seemed, like there were no distractions getting in the way of what you were trying to say.

That’s a really wonderful way of looking at this phase of my life and my music. I’ve spent a lot of time recalibrating my life to make it feel manageable. Because there were some years there where I felt like I didn’t quite know what exactly to give people and what to hold back, what to share and what to protect. I think a lot of people go through that, especially in the last decade. I broke through pre-social media, and then there was this phase where social media felt fun and casual and quirky and safe. And then it got to the point where everyone has to evaluate their relationship with social media. So I decided that the best thing I have to offer people is my music. I’m not really here to influence their fashion or their social lives. That has bled through into the live part of what I do.

Meanwhile, you’ve found a way to interact with your fans in this very pure way -- on your Tumblr page.

Tumblr is the last place on the internet where I feel like I can still make a joke because it feels small, like a neighborhood rather than an entire continent. We can kid around -- they literally drag me. It’s fun. That’s a real comfort zone for me. And just like anything else, I need breaks from it sometimes. But when I do participate in that space, it’s always in a very inside-joke, friend vibe. Sometimes, when I open Twitter, I get so overwhelmed that I just immediately close it. I haven’t had Twitter on my phone in a while because I don’t like to have too much news. Like, I follow politics, and that’s it. But I don’t like to follow who has broken up with who, or who wore an interesting pair of shoes. There’s only so much bandwidth my brain can really have.

You’ve spoken in recent interviews about the general expectations you’ve faced, using phrases like “They’ve wanted to see this” and “They hated me for this.” Who is “they”? Is it social media or disparaging think pieces or --

It’s sort of an amalgamation of all of it. People who aren’t active fans of your music, who like one song but love to hear who has been canceled on Twitter. I’ve had several upheavals of somehow not being what I should be. And this happens to women in music way more than men. That’s why I get so many phone calls from new artists out of the blue -- like, “Hey, I’m getting my first wave of bad press, I’m freaking out, can I talk to you?” And the answer is always yes! I’m talking about more than 20 people who have randomly reached out to me. I take it as a compliment because it means that they see what has happened over the course of my career, over and over again.

Did you have someone like that to reach out to?

Not really, because my career has existed in lots of different neighborhoods of music. I had so many mentors in country music. Faith Hill was wonderful. She would reach out to me and invite me over and take me on tour, and I knew that I could talk to her. Crossing over to pop is a completely different world. Country music is a real community, and in pop I didn’t see that community as much. Now there is a bit of one between the girls in pop -- we all have each other’s numbers and text each other -- but when I first started out in pop it was very much you versus you versus you. We didn’t have a network, which is weird because we can help each other through these moments when you just feel completely isolated.

Do you feel like those barriers are actively being broken down now?

God, I hope so. I also hope people can call it out, [like] if you see a Grammy prediction article, and it’s just two women’s faces next to each other and feels a bit gratuitous. No one’s going to start out being perfectly educated on the intricacies of gender politics. The key is that people are trying to learn, and that’s great. No one’s going to get it perfect, but, God, please try.

At this point, who is your sounding board, creatively and professionally?

From a creative standpoint, I’ve been writing alone a lot more. I’m good with being alone, with thinking alone. When I come up with a marketing idea for the Lover tour, the album launch, the merch, I’ll go right to my management company that I’ve put together. I think a team is the best way to be managed. Just from my experience, I don’t think that this overarching, one-person-handles-my-career thing was ever going to work for me. Because that person ends up kind of being me who comes up with most of the ideas, and then I have an amazing team that facilitates those ideas.

The behind-the-scenes work is different for every phase of my career that I’m in. Putting together the festival shows that we’re doing for Lover is completely different than putting together the Reputation Stadium Tour. Putting together the reputation launch was so different than putting together the 1989 launch. So we really do attack things case by case, where the creative first informs everything else.

You’ve spoken before about how meaningful the reputation tour’s success was. What did it represent?

That tour was something that I wanted to immortalize in the Netflix special that we did because the album was a story, but it almost was like a story that wasn’t fully realized until you saw it live. It was so cool to hear people leaving the show being like, “I understand it now. I fully get it now.” There are a lot of red herrings and bait-and-switches in the choices that I’ll make with albums, because I want people to go and explore the body of work. You can never express how you feel over the course of an album in a single, so why try?

That seems especially true of your last three albums or so.

“Shake It Off” is nothing like the rest of 1989. It’s almost like I feel so much pressure with a first single that I don’t want the first single to be something that makes you feel like you’ve figured out what I’ve made on the rest of the project. I still truly believe in albums, whatever form you consume them in -- if you want to stream them or buy them or listen to them on vinyl. And I don’t think that makes me a staunch purist. I think that that is a strong feeling throughout the music industry. We’re running really fast toward a singles industry, but you got to believe in something. I still believe that albums are important.

The music industry has become increasingly global during the past decade. Is reaching new markets something you think about?

Yeah, and I’m always trying to learn. I’m learning from everyone. I’m learning when I go see Bruce Springsteen or Madonna do a theater show. And I’m learning from new artists who are coming out right now, just seeing what they’re doing and thinking, “That’s really cool.” You need to keep your influences broad and wide-ranging, and my favorite people who make music have always done that. I got to work with Andrew Lloyd Webber on the Cats movie, and Andrew will walk through the door and be like, “I’ve just seen this amazing thing on TikTok!” And I’m like, “You are it! You are it!” Because you cannot look at what quote-unquote “the kids are doing” and roll your eyes. You have to learn.

Have you explored TikTok at all?

I only see them when they’re posted to Tumblr, but I love them! I think that they’re hilarious and amazing. Andrew says that they’ve made musicals cool again, because there’s a huge musical facet to TikTok. [He’s] like, “Any way we can do that is good.”

How do you see your involvement in the business side of your career progressing in the next decade? You seem like someone who could eventually start a label or be more hands-on with signing artists.

I do think about it every once in a while, but if I was going to do it, I would need to do it with all of my energy. I know how important that is, when you’ve got someone else’s career in your hands, and I know how it feels when someone isn’t generous.

You’ve served as an ambassador of sorts for artists, especially recently -- staring down streaming services over payouts, increasing public awareness about the terms of record deals.

We have a long way to go. I think that we’re working off of an antiquated contractual system. We’re galloping toward a new industry but not thinking about recalibrating financial structures and compensation rates, taking care of producers and writers.

We need to think about how we handle master recordings, because this isn’t it. When I stood up and talked about this, I saw a lot of fans saying, “Wait, the creators of this work do not own their work, ever?” I spent 10 years of my life trying rigorously to purchase my masters outright and was then denied that opportunity, and I just don’t want that to happen to another artist if I can help it. I want to at least raise my hand and say, “This is something that an artist should be able to earn back over the course of their deal -- not as a renegotiation ploy -- and something that artists should maybe have the first right of refusal to buy.” God, I would have paid so much for them! Anything to own my work that was an actual sale option, but it wasn’t given to me.

Thankfully, there’s power in writing your music. Every week, we get a dozen synch requests to use “Shake It Off” in some advertisement or “Blank Space” in some movie trailer, and we say no to every single one of them. And the reason I’m rerecording my music next year is because I do want my music to live on. I do want it to be in movies, I do want it to be in commercials. But I only want that if I own it.

Do you know how long that rerecording process will take?

I don’t know! But it’s going to be fun, because it’ll feel like regaining a freedom and taking back what’s mine. When I created [these songs], I didn’t know what they would grow up to be. Going back in and knowing that it meant something to people is actually a really beautiful way to celebrate what the fans have done for my music.

Ten years ago, on the brink of the 2010s, you were about to turn 20. What advice would you give yourself if you could go back in time?

Oh, God -- I wouldn’t give myself any advice. I would have done everything exactly the same way. Because even the really tough things I’ve gone through taught me things that I never would have learned any other way. I really appreciate my experience, the ups and downs. And maybe that seems ridiculously Zen, but … I’ve got my friends, who like me for the right reasons. I’ve got my family. I’ve got my boyfriend. I’ve got my fans. I’ve got my cats.

[dweemeister]

Kiss of Death (1947)

When 20th Century Fox put together the pieces to launch a production of film noir Kiss of Death, the picture was to be a vehicle for leading man Victor Mature. Mature had impressed Fox’s chief executive, Darryl F. Zanuck, in a supporting performance as Doc Holliday in My Darling Clementine (1946). Zanuck wished to reward the Fox contractee with a starring role, buying the rights to the film’s story with Mature in mind. But no one at Fox expected what would happen next: an actor debuting in his first film role would overshadow Mature. Kiss of Death marks the cinematic debut for Richard Widmark, best-known at the time for his Broadway work in pleasant, romantic comedy roles. For his first movie appearance, Widmark – and I don’t write something like this lightly – provides one of the most terrifying debuts in film history. This is not to downplay the performances (of Mature, Brian Donlevy, or fellow debutant Coleen Gray) or the filmmaking, but Widmark’s performance alone make Kiss of Death – directed by Henry Hathaway, from a screenplay by Ben Hecht and Charles Lederer – an essential film noir.

After a failed jewelry store robbery on Christmas Eve, ex-con Nick Bianco (Victor Mature) is offered leniency from New York City Assistant District Attorney Louis D’Angelo (Brian Donlevy) if Nick can provide the names of his accomplices to the robbery. Against all common sense and in the belief his accomplices will take care of his wife and daughters, Nick refuses. He is handed a twenty-year sentence in Sing Sing. Several months into the sentence, he learns that his wife has committed suicide following a rape by one of his accomplices* and that his daughters have been handed over to an orphanage. Former babysitter Nettie Cavallo (Coleen Gray) divulges this news to Nick, who then indicates his desire to cooperate with the ADA. In an arrangement agreed to by D’Angelo and Nick’s lawyer, Earl Howser (Taylor Holmes), Nick becomes a jailhouse informant and is given the possibility of an earlier parole. While serving as a jailhouse informant, he will encounter Tommy Udo (Widmark) – who, eventually, uses any means at his disposal to keep Nick silent about his plans and partners-in-crime.

The film also stars Mildred Dunnock (appearing briefly in one of the most memorable scenes in any film noir), character actors Howard Smith and Millard Mitchell, and only the second credited film for eventual star Karl Malden.

Before commenting on how the performances heighten what could have been your run-of-the-mill film noir, Norbert Brodine’s (1938’s Merrily We Live, 1949’s Thieves’ Highway) cinematography and J. Watson Webb Jr.’s (1944’s The Lodger, 1952’s With a Song in My Heart) editing are superb. One only has to watch the opening moments of the film to witness the benefits of their collaboration. The failed robbery scene is a textbook example of economical filmmaking. Webb’s cutting neither lingers nor moves away too rapidly for the audience’s comprehension. Brodine’s strategic placements of his camera and use of blocking – of Mature, the supporting actors, extras, and the production design – ratchets up the tension, suggesting without any words how little room for error there is in this operation. Small details such as what level an elevator is on allow the audience to agonize – however much we do not want to see this robbery succeed – over the robbers’ wasted seconds. In Kiss of Death’s tensest scenes, this mercurial combination splices into moments that will shock and unnerve. Kiss of Death is an ideal counterargument to black-and-white film’s uninformed naysayers but, more compellingly, an entry point for film noir novices.

When complemented with Richard Widmark’s performance, Kiss of Death becomes horrifying. Widmark’s face often sports a toothy half-grin that only serves to intimidate. To make matters worse, as Tommy Udo, his staccato snigger accompanies a grin belying a man unhinged, delighting in his sadistic and psychopathic ways. Udo’s disconcerting voice and manner of speech reveals a character as slippery as a soapy eel. The way he tells a cop prodding for information that, “I wouldn’t give you the skin off a grape,” comes laced with dismissal, menace, and even playfulness.

It is difficult to watch the harm Tommy Udo brings to others. But Widmark is so convincing in the role, it is impossible to keep one’s eyes off of him. If you are aware about the basics of the Hays Code, you can easily guess Tommy Udo’s fate. But beyond the scope of the film’s narrative, the character inspired certain men in American colleges and universities to form Tommy Udo clubs or fraternities. These clubs and fraternities codified Udo’s disgusting male chauvinism – as if colleges and universities needed any more such behavior. It is a magnificent about-face from Widmark’s Broadway roles at the time; his actual off-screen persona (by all accounts, Widmark was one of the kindest people in Hollywood and was known to apologize for any hurtful words or behaviors he performed while in character on a film shoot); and many of the upstanding roles he would play later in his career.

Though outshone by Widmark, Mature strikes the balance of being a former hoodlum and caring parent. His physical acting cannot hide his character’s violent past, but – akin to his performance as Doc Holliday the previous year – there is ample room for melancholy and remorse. Mature pairs well with Coleen Gray, whose innocent demeanor recalls her later performances in Red River (1948) and other film noir projects.

Speaking of film noir, most noir is set in an urban environment and filmed on a soundstage. Kiss of Death is no exception to this rule, but a decent portion of the film was shot on-location in New York City and numerous interiors do not feel as if shot on a soundstage. The Bianco family home has a riverfront view in Queens and the interior and exteriors of the Chrysler Building (where the opening heist is filmed), Criminal Courts Building, Sing Sing (Hathaway had Mature and Widmark go through a simulation of convict processing to help them embody the mindset of a prisoner), among other locations. Quotations from the main theme of Alfred Newman’s score to Street Scene (1931) bolsters the authenticity of the film’s New York environment. In terms of backgrounds and production design, there is little sense of artificiality that might have emanated from an all-too-obvious soundstage. Hathaway’s direction posits Kiss of Death as documentary-like without ever quite crossing the lines of fiction and non-fiction. In combination with the performances, these decisions, in aggregate, elevate Kiss of Death from just another film noir. No disrespect intended to the esteemed and prolific screenwriters, Ben Hecht (1932’s Scarface, 1946’s Notorious) and Charles Lederer (1940’s His Girl Friday, 1960’s Ocean’s Eleven), but this was not their most original screenplay – ideologically, structurally, or in terms of character development.

Other reviewers have noted how Tommy Udo might have been influenced by the Joker from the Batman comics. Some go further, claiming that Widmark was a fan of Batman and based Udo’s persona on the Joker and that actor Frank Gorshin based his portrayal of The Riddler in the 1960s Batman television series on Udo. There are no primary sources to confirm any of these claims. If any prior narrative media influenced Widmark’s performance, I cannot confirm any such claims however convincing, on the surface, they might be. The provenance of the influences of and by this performance remains a mystery.

Kiss of Death derives its power almost solely from its performances and nail-biting action. The latter is almost entirely accomplished with slower and/or less motion than one might expect. It is another tribute to the editing’s manipulation of space and time that segments featuring a steady walk, a seemingly ordinary dinner table conversation, or a character sitting alone in darkness watching the movement across the street can leave viewers with wide eyes and goosebumps. Kiss of Death may not stake a claim to being one of the best examples of film noir. Yet through its incredible performances and dramatic ferocity, it will leave impressions that will jangle even the most composed viewers.

My rating: 8/10

^ Based on my personal imdb rating. Half-points are always rounded down. My interpretation of that ratings system can be found in the “Ratings system” page on my blog (as of July 1, 2020, tumblr is not permitting certain posts with links to appear on tag pages, so I cannot provide the URL).

For more of my reviews tagged “My Movie Odyssey”, check out the tag of the same name on my blog.

* Actress Patricia Morrison (1943′s The Song of Bernadette, 1946′s Dressed to Kill... but better known for her stage performances) was cast as Nick Bianco’s wife. She filmed both the rape and suicide scenes, but both were cut in the final print. It is unknown who – Hathaway? Kohlmar? Zanuck? – made this decision. But I imagine that the Production Code Administration, applying the Hays Code which forbade such depictions, might have been instrumental in forcing Fox to drop the scenes.