#I would ramble abt them rn but I don't want to take away from the cool caption someone ask me to yell abt them (I will either way)

[squidthechaotickid]

Why would he hide so much? Didn't he warn Mk about overusing his glamors?

The sun wukong always was a hypocrite. We know this. The rules do not apply to him as they do us.

...That's true, I guess.

Text translation: (void) Why would he hide so much? Didn't he warn Mk about overusing his glamor?

(Unknown) The sun wukong always was a hypocrite. We know this. The rules do not apply to him as they do us.

(Void) ...That's true, I guess.

[arolesbianism]

I may be failing my plan to not make any isat aus. So there's this guy her name is Euphrasie right. What if I took her and combined what could be 3 separate au concepts into one. And in the process forced myself to go back and reread a bunch of shit to make sure I know how to maximally fuck over this sad wet puppy of a woman

[satrs]

Heyyy! Hope you're doing well!

Thinking about soft dom Inumaki rn tho. Like what if she was so soft but reader basically begged him to take more control, take more control, maybe use his cursed speech on them on minor things? Like scareming his name etc.

So yeah do with that request as you see fit lol

ᥲ/ᥒ ꜝꜝ ✎ yesss he needs some more attention like fr! i feel like almost no one talks abt my baby anymore like??? C'MON!!

I'm doing fine and I hope u do too! Thanks for the request and have a lovely day/night/evening!^^

ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ʜᴏʟᴅ ʙᴀᴄᴋ!

ꜰᴇᴀᴛᴜʀɪɴɢ; dom!inumaki toge x sub!fem!reader

ᴡᴏʀᴅ ᴄᴏᴜɴᴛ; 0.7k

TAGS; NSFW CONTENT! MDNI! fingering. nipple sucking (on fem!).

ALL CHARACTERS ARE 18+!

"You don't gotta be so soft with me all the time Toge. I'm not made out of glass, you know."

Inumaki couldn't believe what he just heard. Where was that coming from? And what do you mean with 'not soft?' Did you want him to be rougher with you? Slap you? His questioning expression caused you to chuckle, turning around on your position on the bed, fully facing him. "I love how we fuck. It's just- maybe take more control? It's just that-"

He drowned out your words completely as he starred holes into the celling above him. Take more control? But how could he when his sweet little girl was just so breathtakingly gorgeous when she took what she wanted?

And you're wrong. For him, you are made out of glass, such delicate skin and angelic body almost too perfect to have a single rough finger layed on.

But on the other hand, you are is gorgeous girl so why complain to your requests? If that's what you really want, he would give it to you.

He didn't even knew what you were rambling about as his mouth moved almost on it's own without much mind too it.

"Quiet."

As if on cue, you immediately stopped talking, eyes widdening as you realized what he just did. You heart beats rapidly with excitement as you bit your lower lip when you noticed him crawling ontop of you, sly smirk adoring his handsome face.

He didn't have to utter a word for you to understand what was on his mind right now, moving your hand to your top in an attempt to strip naked.

"Don't do that." And again, you helplessly withdrawn your hand back to it's previous spot but this time, not on cursed command but solely on his words alone, big orbs starred up at him in anticipation. His gaze flickered between your eyes and lips before giving into the temption to capture your lips with his, sighing into your mouth at your delicate taste.

His hands explored your body, squezzing your breast in his hand while the other hand was occupied with finding it's way into your flimsy panties.

His lips parted from yours, directly attacking your neck with wet and sloppy kisses and licks, sucking marks onto your tender skin before returning back to caputer your neglected nipple into his mouth. You moaned at his actions, hands tangling into his white locks only to be slapped away and pinned next to your head.

His fingers played with your slick folds, small circles being drawn onto your clit as you bucked up into his touch needily. As his fingers slowly entered your aching hole he let out a groan at the feeling of your velvet walls sucking his fingers in so graciously.

Your breathing was turning heavier with each movement of his fingers, toes curling in pleasure as he hit that one particular spot inside of you. Sinful sounds escaped your mouth as your vision slowly blurred with the increasing of his finger's movements, hand desperatly clinging onto his head then his hand in an attempt to escape the almost too pleasurable feeling of both his mouth and hand working wonders on you.

He took your weak hand in his, interwinding your fingers to stop your pitiful actions. "Tell me how you feel."

A slight electric tingle went through your body at the cursed command, almost to deep in pleasure to answer. "T-too good! I can't- I'm gonna cum Toge! Sososo good!"

He hummed in content at your answer, attention turning back to your body as he drew you near the edge with every second passing.

With one last curl of his fingers your back arched into his touch, mouth falling open as praises and cries of his name came past them while you unraveled underneath him.

While you came down from your high you tried to break free of his grasp, only for his interlocked fingers to tighten their grip as his other hand worked on his pants. "Don't move." He said, slight whine flying past your lips as you licked your lip in anticipation.

A good talk always brings good outcomes, right?

©︎𝐊-𝐀𝐙𝐔𝐒. all rights reserved. Do NOT plagiarize, copy, modify, republish, or translate my work in any way!

[p0rkguts]

you got any ocs u wanna ramble abt pork? (trying to politely ask everything ever forever)

CATEGORY 7 BLORBO HEART ATTACK

Why yeas.... Yes I do :]

Okay so so so so my main story my favorite story my baby my child my magnum opus my pride and joy my best creation. Most developed story I've ever had. working title is Metamerist. I love it I love them u don't understand u don;t undersTAND

It's about a little amnesiac girl thing trying to recover their memories and find their identity in a world that is against them in every way possible. It's about two problematic lesbians with a messy ass past trying to get over their own emotional constipation and toxic codependency to raise children and save the world. It's about a Totalitarian government bent on completely dominating the globe until it's all under their control. It's about SHAPESHIFTERS. IT'S ABOUT QUEERS. IT'S ABOUT WHAT CAN'T BE TAKEN BACK. IT'S ABOUT BEING MADE ANEW. IT'S ABOUT FEELINGS❕❕❕❕❕

Oh my god jeez fuck how am I even meant to explain all this lore to you rn.... Okay I I. I'm working on this big PowerPoint Google slide presentation that explains the WHOLE story but it's not done yet. And it's like sooo impossible (for me) to abridge. So I'm just gonna tell u about ONE Metamerist character for now and their lore

Readmore bc this got long

This is The Doctor (it/its). It doesn't have a name it just calls itself The Doctor. It's a shapeshifter that can take on different animal traits— specifically from certain bugs and bats. It grew up in a shapeshifter colony in the distant mountains until they were all either kidnapped or killed by the government for their shapeshifter related experiments when The Doctor was like. A shapeshifter tween. The Doctor managed to hide in a little crevice crawl space thing until they left but it was the only survivor.

After days of just waiting thinking they'd be right outside to attack, it left its hiding place and the mountain and camped out at the foot of the mountain for a bit. Eventually Nivera finds it and she wants to be friends and The Doctor doesn't really wanna be friends bc it thinks Nivera is a human girl from the nearby village and it hates humans now but it doesn't wanna appear suspicious so it tries to be all friendly because well. People are supposed to be nice to other people?? Probably

Nivera keeps visiting The Doctor and they slowly become actual friends. Not like it'd admit that tho. But eventually the truth comes out and they both realize they're both shapeshifters who thought the other was human and we're trying to pass as humans because of that. It's silly they're both stupid. After that they get a lot closer

Every time Nivera would leave The Doctor at the end of the day after visiting and she claimed to "go home to her family" to sell her human alibi and everything she was just going to some abandoned cottage she found. After they figure each other out they start living there together

While this was going on, The Doctor started sneaking into the nearby village and stealing things like food and books and clothes and stuff. When Nivera becomes friends with It she asks to join in on the little thieving escapades and The Doctor begrudgingly agrees. They then become wanted criminals there but they never get caught because they've got The Doctor's shape shifting abilities on their side

One day when The Doctor and Nivera were out exploring the woods, they found a tunnel that led into a secret underground compound and saw some humans bringing stuff into it in boxes. They hid while they watched them transport all the materials and it was all very suspicious. After they snuck away, Nivera wanted to leave the place alone but The Doctor wanted to go back and investigate further. Nivera was against it so The Doctor started visiting the place in secret and lying to Nivera about it saying they were going hunting instead.

The Doctor just watched them transport their mystery goods for a few days until one day they saw them carrying in a shackled shapeshifter. This set off major alarms in its head. The next time they visited the tunnel they snuck in and saw the humans were experimenting on shapeshifters in there. It snapped and killed all the workers there (like 20-30 people)

The Doctor is scarred in 7 new ways bc of it all but just cleans up as much of the carnage it can and returns to Nivera. For a few days It avoids the place and doesn't say anything to her but eventually it goes back to see what became of the place and Nivera follows it because she was getting really suspicious. The place is still empty and untouched and The Doctor tells Nivera they all just left. At some point Nivera sees faint remnants of blood there, and pieces together that there was more to it than that, but she tells herself that whatever it did must've been absolutely necessary and her bff would never do wrong.

The Doctor had wanted to get back at humans somehow ever since their family was taken from it and it saw the now empty compound as the perfect starting point to learn about their plans. Nivera isn't a fan but acquiesces to The Doctor's desire to start spending time there. It figures out how to operate their computers soon enough and figures out the vast extent of their work.

Okay so by this point years have passed amidst all this and they're both shifter young adults now. The Doctor spends a bunch of time at the compound trying to come up with plans to stop all the government mandated shapeshifter murder. It eventually figures out the lab equipment and after studying some of the things they did there, it figured out how to make its own concoctions it saw as useful.

The compound is attached to now abandoned tunnels that lead to a more urban part of the land and The Doctor started using them as a way to sneak in to essentially scavenge for more materials for their projects. Nivera begged to come along one time bc she likes to be included and when they got there they ended up almost getting caught, but The Doctor used its shifting powers to get them to safety and Nivera was like "😳 woaw..." Bc she's monster fucker trash (affectionate)

After they got home safely Nivera was like "man with I could do all that cool stuff teehee ☺️" and The Doctor's like "...You can't?" And Nivera's like "no my shapeshifter powers have always been super weak lol I'm not strong like you 🥰" and The Doctor's like "hmmm. I wonder if a serum could fix that."

Nivera essentially has a shifter disability that makes her shifting abilities abnormally weak and The Doctor offers to make some concoction that could possibly fix it. Nivera doesn't really mind her disability at all and lives just fine with minimal powers but agrees because The Doctor seems really excited about the possibility of the experiment being successful so anything for her pookie 🥰

The Doctor makes a few versions of the concoction but they keep not doing anything and Nivera assured it that it's fine but The Doctor won't back down and gets obsessed with making it work. Eventually, one night when they're testing another version in The Doctor's lab, it does work, but it works too well and Nivera loses control of her shape shifting abilities, shifting uncontrollably into a warped pained form

Uhhhhh something something. Kinda like this

(this is maybe 2 years old and all just vague concepts but I never drew her fucked up form ever again so this all I got)

Also Nivera can take on traits from spiders, deer, and plants

Nivera ran out into the woods like a frightened rampaging animal and The Doctor chased after them. Once it had Nivera cornered, it sedated her and had to drag her back to the lab. After making sure she was okay, The Doctor took Nivera to her cottage with some supplies and nursed Nivera back to health for the following few days while Nivera was in and out of consciousness. Once she was fully lucid, The Doctor gave her a rundown of what happened, told her to get some rest, and left. And they didn't see each other again for YEARS! Bc they were both pretty much of the belief that them being together would only hurt the both of them. The Doctor fell deep into depression and Nivera did too but she was just a little better at deluding herself

The Doctor really let itself go and spiralled completely. Its hair used to be all black and wavy but after the divorce arc it's got tons of white bits and it's all flat and matted and dirty. And it smells

Then like. decades later. which affects them slower bc shifters they'll live like 3x as long as humans. They're kinda forced back into each other's lives to take care of these two shapeshifter kids Echo and Tealin. it's a whole thing.

OKAY UUUHM. i think I've rambled enough. I get very shy about sharing ocs. BUT FEEL FREE TO ASK ME TO CLARIFY ANYTHING.... THIS IS VERY SIMPLIFIED.......... teehee ok bye

[rusty-jester]

QSMP x PORTAL AU

ok ok, so hear me out ^ both aperture and the federation have vvery similar vibes, with the white walls, extremely dubious morality and silly little creatures that they employ. (theres even this beta intro that is some disfruta la isla type shit, like; a fake island? that fits so well) Aperture is still called Aperture, but there's a subset within Aperture called the Federation! The Federation controls mostly managerial work and Human Resources, their manager is The Duck/Pato, and although they are indeed an AI, they are not the GLaDOS of this au! :D The EGGS (Encouragement for Generalized Groups) are part of a new joint testing initiative, where they try and motivate you to test by making it so that if you don't complete 3 tests a day, your Robo-Child might die! Egg partners all get a unique gun and or tool along with a portal gun to make all of their tests unique! (Such as Slime & Mariana having a Gel Gun and a Portal Gun & Roier and Jaiden having a portable Excursion Funnel and Portal Gun) the GLaDOS of this au is called BLUEBRD (Biotechnical Logic Upload (with a) External Branching Research Database) and you can probably guess who it is just by the name lol. I wanted Jaiden to be the GLADOS solely because of the 'Welcome back' scene and how in the opening of portal 2 the facility is in such disrepair, and i think it would be neat if the BLUEBRD chassis is empty at the start :) Cellbit would be Rattmann ofc, maybe Romero Richas could handle the more artistic side of Rattmann? (or being the oracle turret!) I'll ramble on a bit more abt this stuff under the cut, but hoo boy i have a lot of ideas

The Island: The Island was their starting chambers all clumped together, hosted on a fake island with a fake sky/biosphere. The Wall is a huge chunk of testing rooms splitting the biosphere in half. The islanders take a little longer to break the wall in this one, having been paired off and given the eggs early. They could sometimes do double tests and could talk to eachother through the panels though :) Brazilians were a chunk of subjects that accidentally crashed into the side of the biosphere? unintentional but it opened the facility up for all the other residents for them to explore, although The Island is often the main meetup point and is one of the safest places in the facility. The French were a group of subjects that were intentionally dropped through the top of the biosphere by the Feds. and the most recent batch of frozen islanders were stored in one of the Old Aperture vaults, probably a ways away from The Island. Being so close to the depths of aperture also brought on the Codes. Mobs are still a problem on the Island, being modified wildlife that has grown within the sphere, or sometimes being entirely artifical creations. Their parts are useful for jerryrigging gear and such, but they're dangerous. The rain is sprinklers :) Codes / Binary Entities: The Codes usually reside in Old Aperture and are far more common down there. They're mishmashed amalgamations of broken screens displaying binary and wires, usually using a husk of a mob (or prototype egg/egg) as a shell and or protection. Its unclear if they were a Aperture experiment went wrong, a worm/virus that has spread itself too far or a old security measure. They have been slowly making their ways upwards from OA, disturbed by all the commotion of the feds and islanders, slowly becoming more and more of a problem. Some of them have been hijacked by the feds, but it's hard to tell between them and the more feral codes. thats all i have for rn but im still cooking.. neurons are firing monkeys on typewriters type beat

[levbolton]

It is I, anon from earlier today and I can now in confidence tell you that your fics have broken me down into nothingness.

Not only am I stupid and cannot read tags but I repeatedly let myself be comforted by your writing only to be hit with the sad truth at the end. You can’t keep getting away with this /j .Your style is so unique and I can feel the passion you have for the characters as you can see their inner turmoils on the writings. I love how you bring them to life

My personal favourite is Monologue (which is highly underrated btw). I love the dynamic between Fumi and Maki plus Fumi talking about her day made me smile so much. Then cane the gut wrenching feeling about Maki. Honestly you managed to balance the fluff with the angst out so well and I really adored it.

To conclude this annoying fan’s rambling, you are my favourite blue period writer and such a great storyteller. I know how you’ve stated that the fandom is quite inactive (cause it is) but your presence manages to be so outstanding to me. I don’t know why I was too nervous to follow now but I might as well write my letter of appreciation so it can be covered by the bots.

I hope you are able to continue doing what you love and have a great rest of day. 🙃

thanks op, kinda figured bcs i have emails from ao3 and your usernames match

personally 'monologue' is quite the lackluster for me, i wanted to use the concept, i think i wanted to make it about ytyt with yotasuke that would tell yatora about the summer festival only to reveal at the end that yatora was unconscious the whole time so yotasuke wasn't talking with anyone, i got the idea while working on 'a psychological take' (where i wrote already a summer festival so it felt unnecessary to do it again) and at the same time i wanted to write fumimaki (bcs there's literally nothing for this married couple, almost canon i'd say, more canon than ytyt), so i combined both, i was still in a phase where i wanted to kill all characters and make them suffer which i think i did a lot and now i just want to write them relax and be happy (writing depression is hard), so it's not really that original inside my head, but im glad at least someone else likes it (for me billy of tea was way more fun to think about)

tbh i've been thinking about moving on from blp for quite a few months already but i simply can't find something else to interest me the same way ytyt does, which sucks bcs if i don't write then no one will write stuff, rn i want to finish this fic i'm sorking on (i hope i get to 100k), then a oneshot about ytyt soulmates and another oneshot about miki and ayano only, then idk, i think it would be good to retire (not to be petty actually, but i did write 40% of the words in the yatoyota tag on ao3)

fandom isn't really only inactive, it is now a bit (i continuously try to collect blp fans here and on twt, the more the merrier), but i just felt ignored since the anime was airing, again maybe it was the bad timing bcs i started posting my first fic towards the end of the anime when people lost the interest bcs that adaptation is horrible, then in february yamaguchi had covid and from march to july it was complete hiatus and then the whole dj drama (which i'd lie if i said the mob mentality to drop it didn't affect me too although i was the one to uncover the doujinshis on my own weeks before it got to twitter, anyway my idea was: this isn't a piece of media i care about and i am already deeply in love with blue period so whatever, my respect for yamaguchi decreased and i got a passive aggressive attitude towards her until she posted the new year ytyt picture with bunnies this january, now i seriously don't care abt whatever else she drew - also damn i'm really side railing with this)

thanks again for your support, sorry for the long unnecessary text lmao, i have too much free time

[noitscooldw]

sexting m!kylar hcs

hello everyone!! how do you do! im alli! long time fan first time writer (о´∀`о)

i got inspired by @inkyquince 's sexting w kylar hcs and couldn’tttt help but add on my own h0rny ramblings

so without further adieu, this is ifdolhadcellphones!au

warning: adult content! (obv), afab!pc, breeding and impeg mention

sending

alright so i don't think kylar would send nudes very often but when he does oh boy are they good

gets so hard just thinking abt showing you how much he needs you rn

he wants to prove his love for u and show u how crazy u make him

vids consist of him rubbing himself over his boxers, letting his precum stain and make a mess inside

all you can hear is his sweet little whimpers and mumbling, his breath hot and heavy. he gets a lil too close to the mic sometimes and he almost sounds in pain

lifting up the waistband to reveal his throbbing hard cock, standing up at attention so cute and pathetically

“i-i’ve had this all day..” you can hear him whisper, “all day…”

the camera gets so shaky as he starts desperately pulling on his cock, fucking his precum-covered fist, his small hips moving with the momentum

all he needs to think abt is fucking your sweet little pussy and he’s gone, bursting loads of cum into his hand, imagining going inside your womb

just thinking about cumming in you gets him so riled up, most of his fantasies consist of that anyway but that's a rant for another day :p

but yea, most videos usually end with him moaning your name loudly and cumming all over himself, just for you <3

in terms of d!ck pics, his most common poses are him just holding himself, feeling the weight and heat of his arousal. kinda showcasing his length heh heh (big d kylar supremacy)

also loves to send you pics of the hard ons he gets throughout the day thinking of you, you’re on his mind constantly and he can’t help but get excited, needy in fact

you’ll be at work at the cafe or sumn and get sent a pic of him pulling down his sweats, hard cock straining against his underwear, head leaking through the fabric

“i miss you sooooomuch. when are you going to be home??? i need to see you”

normally would not be so comfortable showing their genitals especially online where anything can get hacked but with you he feels no shame

after all, his body is yours anyways :)

cum pics lovesss sending pics of his cum and how much he came for u “it’s a shame this is going to waste hehe”

makes sure he brings himself right to the brink before he takes a pic so he can look extra needy for u

hands and phone are always sticky

waits on the edge of his seat waiting for u to text back

lowkey regretting it when anxiety hits; what if u don’t like it, what if u find him disgusting and call him a pervert, a freak? maybe he shouldn’t be so forward like this…

but as soon as he hears a ping! and see ur name pop up alongside a sexy pic in return, all his worries wash away

you really are made for him

receiving

kylar is so grateful for modern technology just so you're able to send him nudes

screenshots every single pic you’ve ever sent to him, so you already know he has a whole folder of all ur nudies

definitely password protected and encrypted so no one will ever find them, not on his watch. would go actually insane if that happened.

but you can bet every night he lays down in bed, goes through his favorites (all of them) and just goes to town

definitely cums on his screen to your selfies or any pic of you rlly, like those weird cum tributes on reddit 😭😭

like i said, his phone is very icky and sticky

frothing at the mouth when he gets a sexy pic from you, and always says thank you <3

spends about the next hour and a half furiously jerking off to said pic, whether it’s in the park bathroom or at home in his bed

he just can’t believe he has this in his possession…you’re not sending these to anyone else right???? no no of course not hahha why would you..

still, even the thought of you willingly sending these photos…wanting him to see your body, to see you in such a vulnerable, private state….

ok back to the bathroom

tittie pics has him droooling, he can just feeeel how soft they are through the screen, how sweet they’d taste

“BBEAUTIFUL”

“you lookso amazing my darling!!!!!

“so pretty and perfect and alllll mine”

“cant imgaine how theyd look nice and full of milk…..”

“i want th em in my mouth…please....”

pussy pics have his mouth salivating and his dick trying to escape out of his pants

"FFFGFHFJ Mmmlslfkfkfkfkffiuu"

“holyyyyshitttt hhaaha omgggg!!!!”

“all miNe to Breeed all mine onlyy mine!”

“DONOT show this to anyone okay???????”

"iloveyousofuckingmuch"

[traumxrei-archive]

I wish I could read your chapter 5 posts but I'm following the English releases and I don't wanna spoil myself :x (I do know he overblots though, and something with his dad?)

Vil was one of the characters I was attracted to before playing the game. I've only read 1 or 2 of his stories but he's already someone I'm having a hard time simping for. I think it's because of his focus on appearance and beauty. I'm insecure with both of those, so even if he tries to genuinely help me I'll automatically assume that means he doesn't like be because I don't meet his standards. I hope I will like him more after reading chapter 5 but I don't think I'll be able to simp for him now. He's so pretty tho.

And Epel! Sweet baby Epel. Sigh. He's in the middle of my simp chart. I like him, but I dunno if I can get past his insecurities. I'd wanna call him cute. I'd wanna put bows and girly accessories in his hair. But he'd probably get mad because that's not manly. Dude, it has nothing to do with being manly- I'd do that to any guy I like! And it's not that I don't like that boyish side of him- I love it! But I don't think I'd be able to stop saying/doing the things he doesn't like, and I don't think I'd be able to work with him on that. I say/do those things out of love, and there would be something missing in me if I wouldn't be able to express those things, even if it's to respect his boundaries. I'd have to walk away from any relationship with him.

I heard he does change in chapter 6 tho? He realizes he's after strength, not manliness, and those two things aren't dependent on each other? Now I'm imagining having mutually broken up with him but after his character growth he comes back and wants to give us another try. I love his sweet side but I'd also swoon if he threatened to beat someone up for me lol. Let me see that boyish side!

hello hello ! no pressure to read my book 5 posts ! you can def wait till book 5 comes out in en, i just wanted to put forward my two cents on it sjkdfjskf

and honestly i feel you ! i've been playing since jp released book 3 but i fandom hopped a bit before landing back in twst. and ever since the beginning i was always kinda intimidated by vil ? he's someone i couldn't quite wrap my head around. i think it's kinda difficult to understand him as a character just as it is rn.

at first glance he comes off as vain and beauty obsessed. but after playing book 5 i've got a fresh perspective on him ! i do agree that vil does have a fixation on appearance. he would fuss over any partner of his their appearance if he likes them enough. but that's only because he cares abt them, he wouldn't put an effort towards those he doesn't care about, trust me. i can reassure you that he's more than just a pretty face that likes pretty things tho ! book 5 really brings his character into light.

would totally buy the person he likes things like clothes, products, etc. and would also be nervous when giving it to them bc what if they don't like it-

"what's this?" you ask, opening the box that the blond just gave you.

he waved his perfectly manicured hand, "just something that i got for you during my fashion meet."

you lift the fabric, feeling the softness against your skin, "you got this for me?"

"yes, well," he gives you a quick glance, lips quirking the slightest bit. "i saw it and i thought that this color would look beautiful on you, so i took the liberty of buying it for you. are you rejecting my gift?" his tone turns critical at the end, and you've spent enough time with him to know he's just nervous that you won't like it; from the way he rambles slightly.

"it's beautiful vil," you reassure him and he finally releases the vice grip he had on his throne. "i would expect nothing less from my queen."

[ more vil simp-ery + epel brainrot below the cut ! ]

he's dedicated and hardworking at his craft. it takes a lot of effort to look as great as he does 24/7. and he's also an exemplary student, he gets good grades and excels in potions despite being a housewarden aND a social media star + actor. he's also hella strong. not only is he strong at magic, he's also pretty good at fighting hand-to-hand combat, all while looking flawless.

i can't help but admire him *sighs* it's kinda like wow you're so cool for doing all of this. and also you're so pretty. and you deserve all the hugs in the world. and also can i pls have your autograph-

something that irks me is when ppl say that ALL vil cares abt is looks. clearly that isn't true. vil is goal-oriented, he's very good at planning to get what he wants, and working to achieve it. he's also someone who is ambitious, so when he's characterized as someone who is simply look obsessed, it's kinda like overlooking the entirety of his hard work he did to become an established actor and social media celebrity. (ofc looks are important to him. but not his whole world.)

ok moving on to epel before i end up continuing to rant abt vil again- epel, on the other hand, lacks the confidence that vil has. like you said, he's got that complex about looking/being pretty and on top of that, he has a really strong and exaggerated machismo in regards to himself. and yea epel would definitely react badly to someone who emasculates him on purpose, esp if they were dating T^T

in book 5 he does start to learn to accept that masculinity and beauty can coexist in a person. like he doesn't have to present as hyper-masculine to be someone who's powerful and taken seriously. the living example is vil. he's a guy who wears high heels, doesn't mind dresses, wears makeup daily etc. and there are wwaaayy more people that take him seriously than ppl who don't.

but it'll probably still take him a lot of time to grow out of that mindset. being called pretty probably still irks him slightly, and especially if he's dating someone, whatever gender they were, he'd want to be seen as someone dependable and manly. (despite the fact that you don't /need/ to be manly to be seen as dependable. he's working on it.)

i love the idea of dating him, breaking up, and then him coming back for one last try. dating him when he's still learning to accept himself and his gender would be hard though. like it probably won't end that well, because it'll be suffocating on both ends since whenever you slip up, you hurt his feelings, and whenever his feelings get hurt, you get hurt. and when you can't express your feelings, you start feeling bad. etc.

but imagine growing apart, breaking up. epel learns to become comfortable in how he presents his gender. he grows confident in his masculinity, and the fact that appearances don't equal power, and that his appearance can be a valuable asset if needed. he learns that you didn't really mean those things in a patronizing way, and that you genuinely wanted to compliment him. and this time when you two start dating, you can see how he's changed himself ! and how he's more confident in himself ! this time it'll go good for sure <333

thank you for the chats ! this was really fun to do hehe :D

[yrbutchgf]

hey, i'm feeling a bit insecure in my identity rn and i was wondering if you have any... tips, or anything like that. i'm a lesbian who feels more comfortable in a masc role, and i think i would identify as butch... but i feel like i'm too emotional. i cry SO often. my mental health has been less than stellar for the last 10 years or so lol, so that plays a part, but i'm also just a crier. things that make me cry: criticism, heated discussions, presentations, movie/game/book endings, all music with violins, some music without violins, christmas commercials, those miniature food clay charms... literally everything. and it's always in public too, which is embarrassing enough as it is. and i know that doesn't have to mean anything for my gender identity, but the whole "boys/men don't cry" thing kind of did a number on me lol. i always feel like a little girl when others watch me cry, even though i want to be the protector. sorry for rambling, but i feel like you always have good takes on butchness and stuff like that, so i was wondering if you have any tips on feeling more secure in my butch/masc side :)

ok before i say anything else, thank you, i’m honestly really flattered you think that highly of my takes lol <3 i do try my best, i’m glad i’m able to help people to whatever extent i do with my posts. also, bit of a length warning -- i always set out with the intention of writing succinct responses to asks, but it always gets away from me, and this time "getting away from me" meant "turning into a manifesto." well, oops. c'est la butch/femme.

now to start this answer off: i definitely relate. i’m also pretty emotional. when i get stressed i get really shaky, especially in my hands, and then after that my body turns on the waterworks. i also have a fairly exuberant personality in general, and i'm very expressive with my hands & body language. the only times i’ve ever really fit the stoic archetype have been on accident, usually when i’ve felt uncomfortable in a social situation and it’s come off as strong silence. at the same time, i also don’t like when people see me cry or be emotional in general, especially in public. it makes me feel vulnerable in a way that i don’t like to give most people, and the fact that i can’t fully control when or if i do is uncomfortable. and i think disliking that feeling is totally normal, or at the very least it’s a common boundary to have. regardless of sexuality, gender, or presentation, there’s a social urge to cover up when we’re feeling our feelings, but even beyond that there is, i think, a reflexive, self-preservation level urge to cover up what can be easily damaged. so to an extent, i think it’s natural to shy away from vulnerability.

at the same time, the urge to push down one’s tears is not necessarily a HEALTHY urge, only a COMMON one, because you’re right: emotionality has no bearing on your gender or what roles you can take up. some of my best butch and masc friends are also extremely emotional people, and they’re very open about it, and in a lot of ways that openness almost feels to me more masculine or more butch, because they’re embracing their feelings, and that’s obviously a really hard thing to learn to do, so it’s powerful, admirable, and also to be honest, it’s attractive! the ability of someone to be brave enough to be vulnerable can in many situations make the people around them feel more at ease, and i think it can become a very steady, very stabilizing sort of masculinity. in other words, someone who is very comfortable in their tears is also very good and healing to be around. so i think in a lot of ways, when you learn to own your emotions rather than push them away, that can very easily augment your butchness rather than take away from it.

now obviously everyone views butch/femme differently, whether as genders/sexuality labels/dynamics/what have you, but for me no matter what at the center of these terms there is always this nexus, this core focus, of care. in the dynamic, butch/femme is about butches & femmes caring for one another in complementary ways both in- and out-side of romantic relationships. so when we talk about butchness standalone, you and many other people reach for words like “protector,” and i don’t think there’s anything necessarily wrong with that, i think protection can and often is a key role, but my point here is, where is that urge to protect coming from? it’s from love, from caring about the people you love. and i think it’s important to remember that and to frame it that way, because when you do, it becomes pretty simple: your emotionalism is more than anything a sign of that urge to care/protect/provide in you, or a driving force to those urges, however you want to frame it. far from taking away from your butchness, your emotions are at the very foundation of what it can be. i talked about this in the butch/femme server a bit, and thren @lesbiandaemon said it perfectly:

i genuinely think i (and many others!) would feel so much safety and security being w someone who allows themself to be vulnerable and earnest abt their emotions and it definitely augments butchness, from my perspective as a femme. i envy and care deeply for the butch whose emotions and vulnerability are on display, there's a strength in that imo, even if you've been made to feel self conscious and dysphoric and "less than" bc of that. i think of phrases like "the strength to remain tender", "the violence it took to be this gentle" in the lens of trauma but if that applies and you're ok w it, i think it could also apply here too [...]

whether ppl know it or not, sometimes the way one carries themselves can be projected onto others; there's already an example in how anon mentions the "big boys/men don't cry" thing, vulnerability being shut out and dismissed/disparaged isn't going to make anyone more eager/open abt their emotions. and like, going back to the butch/femme dynamic, it does feel so much more stable and steady if someone has the courage to acknowledge and let themselves feel their emotions, it's very welcoming and validating, knowing that someone can have a strong image and show their tenderness, knowing that you're safe and free from mockery/scorn to do the same when someone protective of you knows how it feels and will care for you because they feel touched to their core and have let you know in more than one way.

and i want to add an important caveat here: obviously not everyone who cares very deeply is going to be outwardly emotional or show it in the same ways. that’s true for all kinds of reasons. i think a lot of the stoicism we see in traditional depictions of butches can come from how people relate emotions to masculinity (that is to say, how people view masculinity as inherently based around a distance from one’s “softer” side), but also, honestly, i think this may also have roots in the historical coping mechanisms that a lot of butches took on in the face of a world that was unkind to them.

in stone butch blues, for example, there’s a lot of talk about this idea of “hard” versus “soft,” or “going stone,” especially when jess is first getting into the bar scene and she’s still fresh-faced to violence. and going stone in this context isn’t just about sexuality, it's also about how so many butches learned to stop letting people in even at a basic emotional level. for them, hardening up was an inevitability of circumstance, not an inherent facet of their personality or a building block of butch identity. i’m sure plenty of old-school butches would be glad to know it’s no longer inevitable or necessary for a butch to close themselves off completely in order to survive.

of course there are also plenty of butches who are just naturally reserved with their emotions, and that’s also fine -- that doesn’t mean they don’t feel things, or that they don’t care. they care -- all of us do! some of us showing it more or less than others doesn’t reflect badly on any of us, whether we’re of a more stoic or a more open variety. but some of us really can’t help showing it, and that’s okay. that’s just how the love spills out. the right person won’t see that as weakness or a crack in the fine china of your masculinity or whatever, they’ll see it as a lovely and endearing part of your whole and warming butchness. so embrace your emotions. do your best to honor the role they play in butch/femmeness. try to love your emotions, or at the very least not to be afraid of them. and remember: you are strong. your tenderness will not destroy you. in fact, it’s what built you to begin with.

[ghoulishhusband]

I just realized I can actually talk here. Like this is my account fuck u

Fucking uhhhhhh, hi ig lemme ramble abt my God ocs yea?

Ignore this part if you don't wanna hear (likely) unedited rambles lol it doesn't matter

CW: neglect/abuse, assholery/narcissism, manipulation, tread lightly!

read the under cut owo

Also don't steal my art I'll fucking?? Fight you????

So

I have three main gods that I wanna talk abt especially bc they've been on my mind lately.. Less get it, side notes are in (parentheses) and are bolded cause I have perception issues whoo I don't want it to jumble together is my point lol

First up is my asshole,

Giodine

they/them (preferred)

god/godself (i like pronouns that fit my characters, so I'm giving a bunch away for one night only at--)

ID : Giodine is colored with gold-ish yellow skin and ginger hair. Their eyes are a muted purple and they have tiny eyebrows. Their lips are a muted brown and are full looking, their nose is sharp and points down. They have wings for ears and is wearing a blazer with a long-sleeved, collared shirt underneath it. The background is beige with a yellow square and a dark purple square partially encompassing it. It is signed GH (for ghoulish husband), Spork, 21.

(lemme know if that helps at all! I'm sure I can do better so lemme know!)

If they look weird here it's bc I accidentally made their face too long but believe it or not this is in fact just a doodle Ik I'm so fuckin talented babes.

Anyways, they're basically the first God to ever exist on my version of earth (though even that is fickle rn, world-building is hard unless I hyper-focus on it, and haha Guess What I Haven't Been Thinking About) and they're very egotistical and selfish. As I'll probably yap about later is how they're manipulative as well, especially to another God I'll mention, and very neglectful to the other... other one.

Their partner(professionally), or fiend as they call him, is sam who for the first few eons was, unsurprisingly, absolutely terrible to him. A few tender moments are few and far in between in what could only be described as a completely rancid relationship. I'll describe giodine's side and in sam's lil ramble, I'll describe his :]

I have to explain this because it's a big part of the lore and how they can't work together, even when one of them is very much near The Void (technical death for gods) BUT basically, with Sam, giodine created purgatory. The issue here is that they basically seduced sam into doing it. Well, even if they hadn't, sam was in lesbians(happy pride month lmao) with giodine and would've done it anyway. But the ISSUE is that with the creation of purgatory came complications. See, my gods have to take time to develop into their power, and considering giodine was first and sam was around 666th.. you see the issue. Sam wasn't into his complete power yet and thus lost a giant part of it that went into purg.

See, giodine saw no problem with this (until much later, they do get a VERY SLOW BURN redemption arc cause this ain't even the worst of it), they got what they were aching for out of them and thusly had no need for..sam. They laid him in the spot where she was made (fwi it isn't inherently sexual, it can be, but literally, they just merged together-- taking bits and pieces of each other (which sam did not have enough of) and earth and light yadda, yadda I'll post the story I wrote for that later if I'm up to it) and left him there in the grass.

Again, they saw no problem with that, the deed was done, they didn't care anymore. A common issue in their qualms, sam and Giodine. They did find an issue in Sam finding an issue in the lack of aftercare, which resorted to any message going to or coming from sam going straight to his assistant and going back through them for a couple of thousand years. They found that infuriating-- how could he not face them over something so small! and for years?! it was ridiculous. After forcing a face-to-face meeting, a heated proclaim of hurt from sam, and a bitter agreement to meet up every now and again, they got what they wanted from him. Again. It was a business after all, there was no point in making it harder than it needed to be. 

Giodine doesn't necessarily like boundaries and tends to overstep sam's frequently. They also don't like his reaction to his boundaries being long jumped over, which thusly ends up in disgruntled messages being sent back and forth between them and his assistant for a month or three. It slowly gets through to them, but they tend to say some stupid shit and if they want sam to stay, they have to try and avoid mentioning how "overly sensitive" he is to something that happened eons ago.

(quick mention, there isn't like. time. here. so in all honesty, giodine probably counted earth days instead of Heaven 'days' to get that) Soon into their arrangements to meet, they seem to get on at least tolerable terms, obviously, a few meetings where neither of them feels like going apeshit and taking proper shapeless (or in sams case, he's got a newfound form for ANGER OO just for giodine 🤗) forms isn't going to fix a grudge that has yet to be apologized for by the way. But it's a start to a very long process down the road. Tolerance.

Giodine as an entity is very fickle and rude and demanding. They tend to have a short temper that no one else is allowed to have or comment on-- They were the first therefore they were the most important!

This is very obviously an issue. But it's mostly directed to purgatory. Almost all of their seething rage is pointed towards the poor entity, she's barely been alive yet and they already seem to hate her for things she doesn't know how to do. Honestly, I don't think Purg will ever fully forgive them for the unnecessary abuse of her character, but just as Sam and Giodine get on better terms, they had barely just begun fixing the hole in their relationship. As of now, Sam/Giodine don't have any minor plot points with purgatory other than the major one so I don't have a lot to say about their relationship right now. Maybe one day.

I'd go into details, seriously, but I just wanna ramble about their relationships with each other and their impact on each other's existence. Hope you don't mind a few secrets 😉

But, now, it's time for a new God, one I think most people take a liking to...

Sam (Samuel)

He/him

ID: Sam is surrounded by clouds in the light blue, fading to a darker blue sky and the yellow sun. His horns are a darker beige, which is being highlighted by the sun shining down on him, he also has pointed ears. His skin is red which is very prominent in the sun. His eyes are completely yellow, his hair, beard and mustache are also black. He has an orange scar crawling up to his Adams apple. His wings are a darker grey which is also being highlighted by the sun. His nails are painted black and his hand is holding up the black fabric barely covering his shoulders. Around the painting is a gold and red shaded frame with swirls complimenting each side and a crystal at the bottom of it. It is lightly signed GH, for ghoulish husband.

Sam, Sam, Samuel.

If you don't realize right away, Sam is basically Satan, he's the ruler of hell

Like how giodine was the first to appear on earth, as mentioned before sam was 666th for funnie reasons. Sam was made from bugs, dried blood, and sunlight which sounds pretty gross, but he's far from it. He's a silly, yet neat, guy. He wears Hawaiian shirts and khakis (not around giodine lmao) for cryin' out loud! how bad of a person can he be? Apparently to giodine (for a while obviously) he was the most retched entity to exist. This very much hurt him considering the amount of fake care they showed him before. With a mixture of confusing feelings (which wasn't supposed to be a thing but Univerce went "lmao you'll be fine" and left... short explanation, Univerce is the Universe and is the entity who simply builds these planets and gods that'll appear there and leave them to their own devices, xyr not extremely important in this story. Nor would they care.) and feeling used, he decided that no he wasn't going to take that.

If there is one thing Sam knows how to do is to self preserve himself, even if that means getting passive-aggressive notes sent to him every once in a while. While this period, Sam was surprisingly the least productive (unfortunately giodine knew this and eventually mentioned it in one of their meetings which made him hide away cause like hell giodine was going to be critical of /him/) but he managed. It wasn't terrible, but unfortunately, Sam being able to talk it out with someone who does practically the same work as he does and gets newer, more helpful ideas was better in the long run.

Unsurprisingly, Sam was the first to initiate the healing of his and giodine's relationship but it wasn't reciprocated. Who would've figured, aye? Giodine kept pushing it back onto him and ignoring any progress that could've been made before. Which was frustrating.

The painting above was 'painted' by giodine, which is sorta where their relationship gets somewhat on an understanding of each other. Giodine gets to take a deep long look into who Sam is and tries to express it but it never fit him, it makes them realize that they never really-- truly got to know him. And all it does for Sam is make him even more confused about his place in giodine’s mind. He figured it's another fluke to get him to do something, so he ends up distancing himself when they start actually reciprocating his friendship advancements.

Suddenly, like a flash, Sam was forced to stay with giodine which is where the majority. I'll explain.

Sam...isn't actually the ruler of hell. Anymore, anyways depending on the timeline. His and purgatory's relationship has always been complicated, she always avoided him, and when they talked she always seemed scared of him. So in the end, they've never been close. Distant. Sam always wanted to talk to her, he made her, but if she didn't want to talk to him he wouldn't force it. But imagine his surprise as Purg singlehandedly took over hell in a hazed frenzy.

And not only that, had a personal vendetta against him!

Well, that would be the only explanation to Sam considering how he ended up broken and barely 'alive' at the hands of her. Horns broken and in tatters, pain and almost obliterated it felt like a hate crime. He didn't know what to do when he made it to the office, Purgatory was creating chaos outside his door and barely being able to breathe he felt like it was the end. So he called giodine. 

Purgatory

She/her

ID: Purgatory is surrounded by flowers that are dark grey and white. The light fades down into a dark green. The light shines down on top of her straight, white hair that has yellow flowers tucked into it.  Her skin is a dark brown and has a orange-ish yellow scar on her shoulder trailing up to her neck. Her skin is also highlighted by the sun. In one of her eyes, her sclera is black with an orangey, glowing iris. As for the other eye it it has a white sclera and the same, glowing orange iris. She has wings for ears, one dark grey and one white along with beige horns. She has a white fabric covering her chest. The frame is gold with white accents, but also has vines and moss crawling up the side. 

(may have goofed a bit and forgot to color the sclera of her other eye white but ignore that pls)

Purgatory was made by Sam and Giodine, but to her it felt like a mistake. Why make someone that you’re going to be terrible to, she believed. Giodine seemed to hate her and eventually made her section almost obsolete because she simply wasn’t able to keep up with the backlog that she wasn’t taught to deal with. Not only that, she didn’t have any help with any of it, it was almost like she was expected to just do it on her own. Until Death came along to help, but that’s not what we’re going to be talking about right now. 

And also, Purgatory is Purgatory yadda, yadda, I wont insult your intelligence.

Giodine’s thought process (other than wanting to be Real Close to Sam and once that thought filtered out, promptly ignored it) was that all the extras that don’t fit in either category of their thought of good and evil they’d go to her. (doesn’t matter cause in Sam's system it filters through ‘levels of assholery’ and depending on how bad you are you either just vibe in the upper city under rule of capitalism and possibly many under paying jobs or being actually tortured for his amusement if you’re just evil. Morally grey. Anyway, it could work p well in heaven if giodine wasn’t such a damn stickler.) But in the end, every day, less and less people ended up in purgatory, leaving her with barely any people and more verbal abuse from giodine who ‘HAS to take them or they would be more dead than they already are’. You see the pain she has to go through, right? 

~Idea section, this is probably not canon anyways so dont take it serious~ 

My thought is that another oc (BA, you may have heard of him idk) takes over simply because Purg took multiple hims from alternative timelines (which isn’t allowed but what’re they gonna do, undead a dead clown? multiple times from multiple timelines???)) because she adored him and they figured ‘well we gotta redo purgatory may as well do it like this’ and make him a demi-dead-god. i think thats a cool idea right? anyhoo

~Idea section over uwu~

Purgatory overall is a fairly timid character, she doesn’t like conflict, is easily overwhelmed, and generally keeps to herself. She doesn’t see the point in being in any drama if she’s just going to be yelled at and scolded even if it’s not about her. The only way i could describe her taking over hell is this: 

She was tired. She was angry and after feeling like nothing was in control or in her hands, she snapped. Why doesn’t she get anything or get to be ‘all powerful’ but they do? She knew if she took on Giodine she’d likely get thrown to the void, but sam? He felt fair game. Considering her fear of both of these gods, she planned and got her courage up to take him over. She had considered negotiations but in the end, she ended up going into a haze and ruining everything in sight. She was more powerful than she thought and once she started, she didn't stop until Death restrained her and Sam was already in pieces at God’s doorstep. 

The aftermath was fuzzy for her and for everyone really. Godine was planning a take back hell while actually worrying for sam, sam was planning for a retirement, and she was being consoled while trying to get in contact with sam to apologize. Giodine wouldn’t dare let her talk to him, until she just showed up in their office. She didn’t have a problem with Sam, honest, she just was going to take shit over, but it got out of control. 

Spoiler, Sam took her apology and they actually became.. somewhat closer after reaching an understanding. 

I wanna say that giodine took them being okay and sam retiring as good as sam did about purg running hell, but they didn’t. Giodine and purgatory actually barely got along in the first place, and only begun ‘working’ on their bitterness toward each other because they both had sam to encourage it. I can’t say for certain if they’ll get better, as theyre both undying and have time, but I’ll just say for now its uncertain. 

Also, Death is Purgatory’s girlfriend after all of that lmao.

And.. yeah, i hope this makes sense and that you like my drawings and ramblings about my lil story in my head, i guess this is my way to develop it without just keeping it to myself cause god forbid i keep things to myself hshsh. If you made it to the end, thank you for taking the time to read and attempting to process everything, and even if you didnt read and just looked to look at my art thank you to!!

I may post some art over on @ghoulishhusbandart cause.. it was my art account before i completely forgot about it but i might reboot it! But if you wan art NEOWWW follow me on insta (ik cringe lmaoo) by the same name as this account @ghoulishhusband​ or just click that insta link! also ignore the fact that giodine is the only one without a portrait, maybe I’ll replace it the next time i draw but im graduating on monday and my dad’s coming TOMORROW?? so i won’t have too much time to do it... but i hope you like my art anyways :]

ok!! ty!! ily!!

[jemmydoolz]

Edgar Has Always Been Kind of a Bitch

hi okay so it's a little after midnight but I'm posting a fic rn bc it's the first fic I've written in like,, a yr and a half and also I'm rlly excited abt it??

anyway battle buddies/fahc jeremwood angst based on ramblings in a gc

(warning for minor assault implications at the beginning, and brief mentions of a suicide attempt at the end)!!!

Fiona and Gavin decide that what Jeremy needs is a night of bevs, and, to put it simply, get wasted, so the crew settles on going to a club that Friday. Jeremy only has one or two drinks, but boy does he get fucked up.

Ryan’s sitting and talking with Geoff and Jack in a booth, sipping a diet coke. He looks over Jack’s shoulder to see Jeremy standing at the bar with a much taller, more intimidating man looming over him. The guy reaches out toward Jeremy, who leans away from the touch. Jeremy nervously laughs and his eyes frantically dart around for someone, anyone who might be able to help him.

“Hello? Earth to Ryan?” Jack waves her hand in front of Ryan’s face.

“Oh, yeah. Yeah. sorry. Hey, um, I’m gonna go home, I’m just not really feeling great,” Ryan murmurs as he slides out of the booth, already heading toward Jeremy.

“Um, alright, I guess? Drive safe,” Jack calls after him.

Ryan speeds up when he sees the man grab Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy’s face flipped through a thousand emotions at once when he saw Ryan approaching, but eventually landed on confused but grateful. He gave Jeremy a look that said just go with what I’m about to say.

“Hey, babe,” Ryan says. The man immediately drops his grip on Jeremy’s arm. Jeremy does his best not to choke on his own spit when he hears the word babe come out of Ryan’s mouth. He hadn’t heard it in so long, and he didn’t think it would still hurt so much.

“Oh, hey!” Jeremy turns to Ryan and reaches up to peck him on the lips. “Where’d Edgar go? It’s his birthday, I figured he would wanna hang out with his friends!”

Fuck. Mentioning something about their friend ‘Edgar’ was always code for I don’t feel good about this, let’s leave. Edgar’s birthday meant I’m having a panic attack, I need your help. Ryan wanted to punch the guy that was practically feeling Jeremy up. No—he wanted to fucking kill that bastard. He and Jeremy may have had a severe falling out, they may have suffered years of heartache and longing, but he still felt responsible to make sure Jeremy was safe.

“He said he kinda wanted to go home. He went to the bathroom while I found you. You, uh, just about ready?” Ryan’s eyes flitted between Jeremy and the other man, who cleared his throat and mumbled something about needing to go find his friends before walking off.

Jeremy and Ryan both sigh in relief once he’s gone.

“Wanna head outside for some fresh air for a minute?” Ryan asks, getting a meek, obviously shaken-up nod in return.

Jeremy says something that Ryan can’t quite hear over the music as they walk outside.

“Hm?”

“Oh, nothing. It was dumb.” Jeremy shakes his head. Ryan has had enough experience to know that it was better to just leave it alone. They both wordlessly come to a stop and lean against the wall of the building a few yards from the door. Almost as if they had been working as partners for years. They spend a few minutes saying nothing, watching people on the street, looking at the stars in the sky. Ryan can’t help but study the intricacies of Jeremy, realizing that so many things have changed, but somehow almost nothing about him is different. Jeremy’s hair is just a tad bit more grown out than it ever was at the agency (also, it’s bright purple and orange, which is not exactly the most appealing color combination, but that’s a topic for another day), but he still runs his hands through it when he’s lost in thought. It’s curlier than it used to be, but maybe that’s just because it’s longer. He still clenches his jaw so hard it seems like he’s going to break his teeth when he’s scared. He still wears a tank top under his shirt, no matter how hot it is outside. His eyes still crinkle at the corners when he lets out a bark of laughter that Ryan still swears up and down sounds exactly like a squeaky toy. He’s changed, though. Ryan can see in his eyes that he’s become aware of reality. He knows the responsibility he carries, the heavy consequences that come with his actions, that death is around the corner at every moment.

“D’you- d’you want me to take you home?” Ryan says barely above a whisper, but loud enough for Jeremy to hear. “You can go back inside if you want, but I know you always used to want to go home and be alone after Edgar shows up.” Jeremy lets out the tiniest breathy chuckle.

“Edgar has always been kind of a bitch, hasn’t he?” Jeremy says as he looks away from the sky to meet Ryan’s gaze, and his heart falls apart all over again for the thousandth time. That fond look of reminiscence and joy was one Ryan donned frequently at the agency. “I- Yeah. yeah. I’d really appreciate a ride home. I’m just a little too drunk to drive, I think.”

“Alright. I parked just down the street. Penthouse or your apartment?” Ryan hadn’t even noticed that Jeremy did seem somewhat tipsy; his Boston accent slipping in occasionally and his words slurring the tiniest bit.

“Um, apartment,” Jeremy says. “D’you rem-”

“Yes, I remember where your apartment is, Jeremy.”

It’s only a few minutes into the drive to the other side of town when Jeremy pipes up. “I honestly didn’t really expect you to help me. I didn’t expect you to remember Edgar, either. I dunno why I said it, I guess just vaguely hoping you would even though it’s been, what, three years?” he pauses for a moment and just takes in Ryan's profile. “I always hope you remember things from then. I know it went to shit, but we still had so much fun. We made so many memories and did so much dumb shit there. But I’m glad that stupid fuckin’ place collapsed. All of it was complete bullshit. I just wish it all fell apart before we did.”

Ryan doesn’t know how to respond. So he doesn’t.

“All those meetings I had to stay late for? Fuckin’ useless. They served no purpose, and I don't know why I was forced to go to them. I feel like the only reason I had to go to those meetings was because someone was hiding something from me. It was obvious that so many things were kept from us.” Jeremy stops for a second to try to will away the lump rising in his throat. “I thought you were cheating on me. For the longest time. I still don’t know whether you actually were. You were always out on ‘special missions’ and shit.”

The moment Ryan hears Jeremy let out a shaky breath his heart breaks.

“Was it me? Was I not good enough? I promise I tried my hardest to be what you needed. I’m sorry if I wasn’t. All I wanted was the best for you, Ryan. Even now, I just want you to be happy. If you're happier with someone else, then that’s what I want. I don’t blame you, though. I don’t deserve someone like you. You deserve so much better than me. I would do anything for you, Rye. We were together for so long. We did everything together! I thought I was gonna marry you. I was saving up money to get a ring. I guess I was too stupid to see that you didn’t want me anymore.”

Ryan looks over to see the tears staining Jeremy’s cheeks reflecting the soft orange glow of the streetlamps. Is this really what Jeremy thinks?

“I was so in love with you, Ryan Haywood. I’m- I’m still in love with you. I love you so goddamn much it hurts sometimes. Every time I see you hurt, upset, angry, anything other than healthy and happy my heart aches. I’m sorry I wasn't enough. I promise I tried. Fuck, I tried so hard.”

With every sob Jeremy lets out, Ryan's heart breaks just a little bit more. The short distance left until Ryan pulls up to Jeremy’s apartment building is spent wordlessly. Jeremy’s clambering out of the car and reaching to grab the door when Ryan speaks.

“Hey, Jer, do you want me to walk you up? I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

“No. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I’ve already been a pain in your ass tonight, I don't need to waste even more of your time. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about everything.” Jeremy sniffles and wipes his cheeks, giving a half-hearted smile before shutting the door and walking away.

Ryan sits there for a second, unable to process fully what he just heard. He starts driving without even knowing where he was going, and he’s so lost in his thoughts that suddenly he’s sitting in his car in front of the boardwalk along the beach and crying. He can’t believe anything he was just told—there is no way in hell that the brilliant, witty, talented Jeremy Dooley ever doubts his worth. It’s jarring to think that part of it was because of Ryan. He was going on extra missions because the agency was growing more and more demanding. For months they tormented Ryan with the threat of kicking out Jeremy. They said they’d do other things to him that Ryan doesn’t want to remember. Why did Jeremy never bring it up? Why did he just accept that Ryan had ‘moved on?’ Their lives were so intertwined with one another that Ryan never felt truly whole again. The only reason Ryan went with the break up was that he saw how distant and cold Jeremy had gotten. Ryan had assumed that, for whatever reason, Jeremy had changed his mind. He hated it, he was devastated, but he didn't know how to fix it.

Ryan decides he doesn’t want to go back to the penthouse tonight. He pulls up to the nearest crew safehouse, and suddenly things click.

Jeremy had always struggled with bad self-image and depression. He had gone to Ryan for comfort, which he was always more than willing to give. Jeremy was doing better. At least he told Ryan he was.

Jack had mentioned a while ago that when Jeremy first joined the crew, she had found him after a suicide attempt and barely left his side until he recovered. The only reason for it Jack had told Ryan about was ‘emotional trauma from a past relationship, that he didn’t really want to talk about.’

Ryan did that to him.

Ryan did that to him.

Ryan made the love of his life want to die.

The pieces left of his heart fall into more shards than there are grains of sand in this world.

He collapses onto the couch inside, too exhausted to even get to the bed. He knows he’s not going to be able to sleep, though.

To: Geoff

Dropped Jeremy off at his place, he was pretty drunk though so check on him please

To: Geoff

I’m staying at kung fu safehouse for the night

[b00bconnoisseur]

60 questions for @not-my-brain

1. selfie.......Ugghhhh ok. Imma take one rn

Ok here u go (yes thats a bmth shirt)

2. what would you name your future kids?.....Ooo hmmm well when i was a kid i really liked the names disney, and mesiah. I didn't know at the time that mesiah was another name for god i think lol. I liked it cause of handlers mesiah. I still do. Ooo and maybe Tj too

3. do you miss anyone?......Yeah. My friends on Pinterest from a year ago. My friend lucas. Stan lee. Bob ross. My cousin who died from cancer some years ago. Snape. Sirius. Lupin. Tonks. Dobby. *continues to name every unfortunate death in hp*

4. what are you looking forward to?.......SE-YA next month!! Its the south eastern young adult festival at this college. You can have meet n greets with authors and alot of stuff its the besstttt

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?......DEFINATELY. @dirtysocke @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye @cristal-kyd1280 @sammchenry my friend lucas and @septembersbloom. ^^

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?..... What like...romantically? Or like a death? If romantically uhhh idk it took over a couple weeks but im ok now. Ive never had another relationship so idk. If death oof yeah idk maybe. Ig it depends on how much i knew them idk. Like when my nanny (great grandma) died i was sad for days (is that alot?)

7. what was your life like last year?.....Sucky af. Still is. But the highlights of my life last year was getting and making friends on tumblr, going to the tøp concert and going to warped tour, volunteering at the library, going to seya and meeting some of my favorite authors, reading, changing and improving my art, listening to all the bands i listen to now, getting into more fandoms, going to a friends house for the first time

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?.......Yes lol. Some years ago when i couldn't find smtn id be so annoyed and pissed id start crying. I dont now but still lol

9. who did you last see in person?.......Hm ig family doesn't count....? Wait do u mean a friend? If so uhh my friends rebekah, anika, and Judah at a TAB meeting at the library sometime last month.

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?......I think so? Like i mean I can hide whenever i get my....time of the month from my mom (talking abt stuff like that with her makes me uncomfortable) and i hid a breakup. And other p big stuff too. So imma say yeah

11. are you listening to music right now?........*pops on earbuds after reading this* yee im listening to bitch lasagna by pewdiepie xD (do i have the best spotify playlist or what?)

12. what is something you want right now?.......To hug @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye but SOMEONE has to live so far away

13. how do you feel right now?........Happy that my earbud still works cause they got washed in the wash yesterday....oops. Its not my fault. I told my dad to remind me to take it out of my jacket pocket before they threw it in but noooooo he forgot

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?.......Uhhhhh fuck idk it was probably from my lil 4 yr old bro sometime last week. Other than him (hes my favorite sibling) i dont let them hug me too much

15. personality description.......Nerdy. Fangirl. "Emo". Tomboy. Hotsause obsessed. Book lover. Music lover. Black. Blue. Harry potter. Introvert. Fall. Sports. Values friendship. Loyal. Uhhhh i cant think of much lol

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?.......*sigh* yes. Yes yes yes. Theres some things abt me, or my life really, that i havent told anyone on here or my irl friends that i sooooo want to so bad but i haven't cause i feel like they'd feel bad and pity me and i don't want that

17. opinion on insecurities........I dont really understand this one. Everyones insecure abt something. Is this askin like if i think its ok or not? I say its ok. Im insecure about literally everything about me. My face. My personality. My socialness. My art. What i do. What i say. Basically my whole body. The things i feel good abt are my books, music taste, and my friends (ily fuckers)

18. do you miss how things were a year ago?.........Hmm this time around a year ago....idk its sorta the same but all the stuff i mentioned abt my year from last year didn't happen yet so nah tho my life sucks rn its better than this time last year

19. have you ever been to New York?........Nooo but i want too soo baddd i wanna visit @septembersbloom !! Im coming for ya soon gramps *does the eye watching thing* my dads been to nyc before tho cause he does construction and he had a concrete job to do there. It was a 23 hr drive for him

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?........Uhhh idk!!! So hard! Maybe.....the whole thats the spirit album by bmth ;)

21. age and birthday?.....15 yrs of age and September 27th 2003 (whats yours brainy? I'll put it on my calendar)

22. description of crush......Its weird idk im not sure if its a genuine crush or not but uh....They like hp :).Thats all u get

23. fear(s).......Losing my best friend @dirtysocke and my other friends. Death. Failure. Momo chasing after me then killing me slowly keeping my eyes open to look her dead in the eyes while i die

24. height......5'6 call me short and I'll fuck u up with THIS *pulls out trusty potato peeler named now steve* dont test me boi

25. role model......Hhhhhhhh so many! But uh gosh one of them is @superraedizzle (youtuberrrr) and vexx and bob ross and da vinci and aaaaaaa so many

26. idol(s)......First person that immediately comes to mind is @sammchenry cause he's super cool and he's really nice and his art's reallyyy good (if u havent seen it w-w-what are u even doin with your life?) And he has a great sense of humor and *continues to ramble about why samms the best*

27. things i hate.......Dabs. Transphobes. Homophobic ppl. Basically any hate on the lgbtq+ community. Bullies. The ship starker. Umbridge. Snape haters

28. i’ll love you if….....U you'll eat pizza, draw, and rp harry potter with mee

29. favourite film(s)......Fantastic beasts. Every hp film. Twilight. The maze runner 1-2. The hunger games. Spiderman homecoming. Kingsman: secret service. Into the spideyverse tho i havent seen it yet

30. favourite tv show(s)......Inkmasterrrrr. B99. The mick. The middle. Uhhh idk mostly ink master xD

31. 3 random facts........Ive never had shrimp. I had a beta fish for over a year once. Im eating pizza crust rn

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?.......G i r l s. I have all girl friends irl and one boy. And on tumblr it seems like i just meet girls? Likei agree with @cristal-kyd1280 its like alot more gals then dudes here. But i do have some guy friends on here too. But mostly girls

33. something you want to learn.......TO DRAW ANATOMY DAMMIT

34. most embarrassing moment........Every moment of my lifes an embarrassing moment. Idk of i can pick a "most" embarrassing one. But one time i i sent my crush (now ex bf) a hey fuckface and like some hearts or whatever for an ask game that meant like "i have a crush on u" "youre adorable" etc and said Hewo but i did it all anonymously. But he confronted me askin if i sent it cause im the only person he knows that actually says hewo lol. Then later on i finally admitted i really liked him and well y'all know the story after i think. Unless you're new

35. favourite subject.......A R TTTT OFC

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?........meet my friends on tumblr. Get into mtsu (college i wanna go to) and study art. And go skydiving

37. favourite actor/actress........favorite actor uhhhhhh probably thomas brodie sangster or tom felton and my favorite actress? Hmmm idk maybe evanna lynch (luna lovegood)

38. favourite comedian(s).......probably kevin hart lol he's p funny

39. favourite sport(s)........basketballllllll and football

40. favourite memory........uhhhhh idk?? One oh my favorite memories was when we went to see tøp in concert

41. relationship status.....single as a pringle

42. favourite book(s)......harry potter and the order of the pheonix. Harry potter and the half blood prince. Simon vs the homo sapiens agenda. Divergent. Maze runner. Twilight. Fangirl. Fallen. Red queen

43. favourite song ever.......TOO HARD DONT MAKE ME CHOOSEEEEEE

44. age you get mistaken for.........16 and 17 sometimes lol

45. how you found out about your idol........i was watching someone on yt and superraedizzle always poped up in my feed and my mom turned on one of her vids cause she always saw her vids too now ive seen most of em i love her. Id heard of vexx but never watched him and i was watching a collab from anthony miller art and shrimpy and i checked out shrimpys channel and was lookin at comments and alot of ppl said his art is like vexxs so i checked out vexx. At first i was like eh ok. Now i cant click fast enough when he posts a vid. And i actually fpund out about bob ross from my grandpa on jan 20 2017 when trump was getting sworn in or whatever. We turned on pbs and my grampa told me to look and bob ross was on and i was IN. I loved it. I even started watching full episodes on YouTube of the joy of painting after that. Wonderful man. My first painting i ever did i think was when i followed one of his tutorials xD (i didnt know it was popular at the time)

46. what my last text message says......."ok your turn"

47. turn ons.....uhh nerds ig idk um book lovers, music lovers, art lovers, potterheads, idk and nice ppl

48. turn offs......jerks. Homophobia. Idk ig whatever i said in things i hate

49. where i want to be right now......uhhhh idk wait didn't i already answer this? Ok this ones different ig so uhh with my friend lucas

50. favourite picture of your idol.....oh shit...favorite? Idk xD i have a fave of vexx but not of rae or bob. But heres pics of them any way

51. starsign......a libraaaaa boiii

52. something i’m talented at......drawing and speed reading. Thats about it lol. Oh and procrastina

53. 5 things that make me happy.......ooooo art, my friends here on tumblr, books, harry potter, and music ^^

54. something thats worrying me at the moment.....if my friend thinks im being annoying

55. tumblr friends......hhhhh so manyyyyyy. @dirtysocke @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye @cristal-kyd1280 @chinesewaffles2 @kingantlion @queen-baelin @sammchenry @septembersbloom and more

56. favourite food(s)......green beans, pepperoni pizza, and vanilla madelines

57. favourite animal(s).......basically any reptile. Puppies. Cats. Any animal really but my #1 are snakes

58. description of my best friend.....well she's a tiny bean (5 feet) and she has dark hair, she wears glasses, she doesnt take shit, she's in love with Josh dun, she's awesome, funny, nice (YES youre nice jackie) and shes the best friend ive ever had. Oh. And she has a weird obsession with spaghetti

59. why i joined tumblr.......well i heard abt it on Pinterest over a year ago but didnt want it. Then @mrfastbass-deactivated20181231 on DeviantArt said he got tumblr so i made one then followed him and figured id just post art and that's it cause i thought tumblr was boring as hell when i first got it. Now im p much obsessed with it

60. ask me anything you want.......go ahead brainy shoot. Give me smtn good

[patchdotexe]

So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird