#I’m pure at heart ☆ Izzy

[skyofstorms]

Sold to a Pet Store! - Part 3

How much do you sell for?

Jeongwon Price: 432$ Personality: Cunning. I like to have my own space. Food: Only eats desserts. Notes: Very dominant. Breeding Difficulty: ★★★★☆

Jae Price: 8,989$ Personality: Fearful. I like playing with my toys. Food: Only eats at McDonald's. Notes: Very cuddly with their owner. Breeding Difficulty: ★★★★☆

Maggie Price: 5,488$ Personality: Aggressive. Sensitive to heat. Food: Only eats desserts. Notes: Rare species. Breeding Difficulty: ★☆☆☆☆

Izzy Price: 418,375$ Personality: Curious. I like playing with my toys. Food: Likes alcohol. Notes: Rare species. Breeding Difficulty: ★★★★★

Eunjin Price: 870$ Personality: Independent. I love meeting new people. Food: Prefers frozen food. Notes: Always keep on a leash. Breeding Difficulty: ★☆☆☆☆

Kona Price: 956,664$ Personality: Aggressive. I love learning new things. Food: Only eats at McDonald's. Notes: Very dominant. Breeding Difficulty: ★☆☆☆☆

[sanguinaryrot]

um. im thinking about. characters

[collinrobinsonsglasses]

Too Soft to Be a Pirate

Izzy Hands x Reader (GN)

I have never written fan fiction before, but over the past few weeks these amazing blogs have been absolutely keeping me fed:

@raggedy-dxctor @run-me-through-but-not-like-that @stedefxckingbonnet @dragon-kazansky @gonzo-rella @izzyhandswhore @seafoam-inserts @hard-to-be-the-bard @brwnicons

Thank you all for your amazing stories and for your inspiration. I figured I would give this a shot. I am hoping this is going to be a series. I really am writing it for myself and if someone else likes it too that's a win. It's a slow burn. The slowest burn of all time.

{Masterlist}

{Next Chapter}

Summary: The story of how you end up in Blackbeard's crew.

Chapter 1: Little Mouse

You stood on the quarterdeck, your arms resting against the weathered wooden railing of the ship as you gazed out at the vast expanse of the sea. The rhythmic dance of the waves was a peaceful distraction from the anxiety that had weighed on your chest all week. You had followed your best friend to a life on the sea, and along the way, you had fallen for him. You thought he had fallen for you too. As the moon hung low in the night sky, casting its gentle glow over the ship, your mind couldn't help but wander to the tender moment you and your best friend shared your first kiss under the same moon. But now, you could see he was falling for someone else on the ship, and the pain was like a storm surging within you.

He had barely spoken to you all week, despite living on the same ship. It’s hard to avoid someone on a ship unless you’re really trying to. Your loyalty to him and the promise you made to stand by his side kept you here. You actually grew to love a life on the sea, but it was tearing your heart apart to watch the person you loved fall for someone else.

Lost in your thoughts, you didn't notice the figure approaching from behind until a strong hand gently rested on your shoulder. For a second, perhaps out of pure habit, you felt your stomach fill with butterflies at the sight of him. But reality came crashing back, a cold pit settling in your stomach as you remembered why you were out here alone in the first place.

"Hey," he said stoically, "I've been looking for you." 

“That’s a surprise”, you shot back, before taking a deep breath to regain your composure. 

As the moon ascended, casting a cool, silver glow over the ship, your best friend's gaze settled on you. You could sense the frustration in his eyes as he took a deep breath, preparing to speak.

"Listen," he began, his voice a mixture of regret and pain. "I think you realize I’ve found someone else, and it's difficult when you both are here” His voice hardened, and he continued, "They mean the world to me, and I don't think it's fair to anyone involved for you to stay on this ship. I need to see where this goes, and it can't happen with you constantly by my side."

You reluctantly tore your gaze away from your friend, tears welling up in your eyes. His words stung, but deep down, you knew he was right. This ship, once a safe place, no longer felt like home. In a soft voice, you whispered, "I’ll leave at the next port we dock in, I’ll find a new ship"

As if acknowledging the weight of your decision, his strong arms enveloped you.. You leaned into the hug, your eyes closing as you sought safety in the warmth of his embrace, as you were so accustomed to doing. You felt his breath against your ear as he whispered “That’s not soon enough. I’m sorry, but you’re getting off the ship now”. The arms that were gently holding you wrapped tightly against your waist, squeezing the wind from your stomach, as he hurled you towards the edge of the ship. As you tumbled backward, his whispered words still echoing in your ear, the sea greedily welcomed you. The waves wrapped around you, their embrace tinged with the sting of saltwater, and you descended into the depths of the ocean.

The next moments were a blur. Amidst the crashing waves, you remember fighting the tumultuous current and trying to keep your head above water. After a while it was impossible to tell how long you’d been treading water. It felt like hours. Before you could truly process what was happening you felt your body being lifted into a dinghy. The next few moments were hazy and felt like flashes, 

Your eyes fluttered open to find two formidable pirates peering down at you. One of the men had a long white beard, but what drew your attention the most were the gentle depth of his eyes. Soft and understanding, they betrayed a kindness, immediately putting you at ease. The second man had sharp, calculating eyes, locking onto you with an intensity. 

“Ivan. Look what I found when trying to catch some fishies” the man with the beard exclaimed. You slowly sat up on a large ship, adorned with black sails. You noticed the ship was empty on deck, except for the two men still staring at you. 

“Izzy is not going to like that you brought them aboard” Ivan remarked with a hint of concern in his voice. 

"I am so sorry if I’ve caused you any trouble, Thank you for helping me" you murmured apologetically, still trying to process what was happening. As your body realized it was on solid land, no longer at the will of the sea, exhaustion overtook you. Your eyes began to close as strong arms wrapped around you once again and the quiet sound of the continuing conversation between the two men lulled you to sleep. 

When you awoke again, you found yourself nestled behind some barrels and quickly assessed that you were likely in the galley. Your clothes had dried and you were wrapped in tattered blankets. Eventually, the two familiar faces from the previous night greeted you. They introduced themselves as Ivan and Fang. They handed you a few pieces of bread and a cup of water before beginning to speak.

“We’re keeping you here until we figure out what to do with you” explained Ivan. “Fang is worried that Izzy is going to throw you right back into the ocean if he finds out you’re here”. 

“Okay” you whispered. Not having the energy to ask any follow up questions. You felt numb and shrunk back against the barrels wanting to feel as small as possible. As the men stood up to leave you grabbed both of their hands and thanked them again. Lost in your thoughts, you failed to observe the softening of Fang and Ivan's expressions at the gentle squeeze of their hands. 

These interactions continued over the next few days, with both Ivan and Fang stopping in to bring you food. There wasn’t a lot of conversation exchanged between the three of you. You admired how both the men seemed to look out for each other and now for you, for some reason. 

Two days passed, then one night Fang slipped into the galley, maneuvering behind the barrels to join you. “You mind if I sit here with you?” he asked gently, “Captain is playing knife parade again. I don’t like that game”. 

"Please do," you said, shifting to make space for him to sit. "What's a Knife Parade?"

“Oh, it’s a game where the Captain chases you around the ship with a knife, screaming that he’s going to kill you,” Fang explained matter-of-factly, but you could sense the fear in his eyes. 

“That’s terrifying” you frowned, squeezing Fang’s hand. “I would be hiding back here too”.

Fang flashed a smile, then playfully bumped his shoulder into yours. "I knew it was a good idea keeping you on the ship. You seemed too innocent and helpless to leave behind”

"I feel like that's not a positive thing," you chuckled, exchanging a smile with Fang.

 “I think it is. I knew you wouldn’t be a threat", he said back to you gently. “You’re too nice to be a pirate”

"I could say the same thing about you," you began, but your words were cut short by the abrupt sound of the galley door being flung open.

"Fang! Your Captain is looking for you," a gruff voice called out, interrupting the moment, and the man's eyes narrowed as he spotted both of you sitting on the floor. "What the fuck is this?"

Fang swiftly rose to his feet, his demeanor taking on a more rigid stance under the scrutiny of the man. You, too, slowly stood up to meet the intimidating figure before you. He wasn't overly tall, but still taller than you. He wore leather trousers and a leather waistcoat. His green eyes were piercing into you. Despite the fear you were feeling, you couldn’t help but notice the striking handsomeness etched into his features. 

"I found them tossed overboard, boss. They weren't going to last much longer," Fang explained.

The man scrutinized you, assessing your perceived threat level. "You know the rules, Fang. Blackbeard doesn’t allow pets on board," he sneered, casting a mocking smirk in your direction.

"Blackbeard?" you whispered in disbelief as the man seized you by the arm, forcefully pulling you away from the safety of the galley.

“How the fuck did you not know whose ship you’re on. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to be that clueless” he muttered, casting a disdainful look at you. 

The next few moments you were being pulled across the length of the ship with Fang following closely behind. Ivan's nervous gaze caught your attention, but you averted your eyes quickly, not wanting to draw him into the unfolding scene. The captain's cabin door was forced open abruptly, and your body was forcefully yanked to the ground. You gathered you had finally met Izzy. It became clear why Fang and Ivan had been hiding you from him. 

“Look at what I found, Captain,” the man said smugly. “Fang was hiding a little mouse below deck. Sneaking them food”. You shot a glare at the man who had forcefully brought you to your knees.

The imposing figure standing before you was a tall man with piercing brown eyes, tan skin, a long curly beard that added an air of ruggedness to his presence. His long salt and pepper hair cascaded down, framing his face. Like the rest of his crew, he was dressed in dark colors, and the unmistakable gleam of a gun and a knife at his side hinted at the formidable reputation he carried. Blackbeard looked you up and down with a measured curiosity before speaking. "Leave us," he commanded sternly, then, directing his attention at Fang, mumbled, "I'll deal with you later."

“Captain,” Izzy said with a condescending tone, “Do you think that’s wise?” 

“Izzy. They’re fucking tiny. What do you think they’re going to do?” Blackbeard scoffed, rolling his eyes at his first mate. 

Izzy left in a huff, and Fang trailed behind him. As Fang closed the Captain’s door he cast a pleading look at you, his eyes betraying his worry about what was going to happen. The knot in your stomach tightened at his look of concern. 

As the door shut, leaving both of you alone, you noticed Blackbeard's face soften. He reached out his hand to you. "Here," he whispered, lifting you to your feet. "Sit down, little mouse," he said, guiding you to a chair in front of his desk. Blackbeard's eyebrows furrowed, and he stared at you for a while, as if formulating a plan for what to do next. “Have you worked on a ship before?” he asked. 

“Yessir,” you answered quickly, “For a couple of years”. 

"Do you fall off ships pretty often?" Blackbeard asked, raising his eyebrows and giving you a sarcastic smirk.

As you allowed yourself to finally think about the event that brought you to this point, the emotions you had been suppressing for the past few days began to overflow. Tears started streaming down your face, and you hurriedly tried to wipe them away. “Um”, you stammered, “I didn’t exactly fall. I got pushed off the ship”. 

"What could you have possibly done to deserve that?" Blackbeard asked, his expression a mix of confusion and curiosity.

You gave up trying to wipe your tears, your voice shaky as you continued. "My friend knew about my feelings for him, but he started seeing someone else. I guess he wanted me off the ship as quickly as possible, so he pushed me overboard."

“Shit” he muttered, lips pursed, squinting in contemplation. "You got dumped... quite literally, right off the ship." He glanced down, noticing your distress, and knelt beside you, gently patting your hands that rested on your lap. "Breakups can be rough, mate. I once had a guy stab me after I broke up with him," Blackbeard chuckled, “Calico Jack”, his eyes glancing away as if lost in that particular memory. “Luckily, he missed all the important bits”

Blackbeard stood back up in front of you and walked back around behind his desk, his eyes glancing off, like he was in deep contemplation. "Iz would probably want me to throw you back overboard to teach Fang a lesson. That would be the usual," Blackbeard mused. “But we’ve lost quite a number of our crew in raids lately though and I’ll be honest, I’m tired of the usual. It’s fucking boring.” 

You looked at Blackbeard curiously as he mulled over different ideas. This wasn’t the pirate you had envisioned from the stories you had heard during your time at sea. He was more charming than you expected him to be, yet you sensed how quickly he shifted from one emotion to the next. He seemed tired and disillusioned with the life of a pirate. . 

"You can join the crew, little mouse," Blackbeard said decisively, a smug grin accompanying his words. "I need you to do me a favor. First mate Hands is going to be waiting outside those doors for my decision. I need you to tell him something for me."

You exited the Captain’s cabin and found the first mate exactly where Blackbeard predicted he would be. “First mate Hands?” you said cautiously, “Blackbeard wanted me to tell you that I’m the newest member of the crew, and it’s your job to keep me alive, Captain’s orders”. 

The first mate glared at you with a look of disdain. “Fucking twat”, he muttered, heading back into the cabin you had just left.

You locked eyes with Fang and Ivan on the deck, and gave them a small grin. You rushed over to them. “The captain said I could stay,” you said with relief. 

Fang and Ivan visibly relaxed, and Fang gave your arm a playful nudge. "Well, look at that—the friendliest pirate on the seven seas," he remarked with a grin.

{Next Chapter}

[ourflagmeansheartbreak]

Now that it’s been a minute and I hopefully won’t get “kys” comments on my posts, something to say.

I love Ed with my whole heart but he had no business crying when Izzy was dying. And no business crying because he’s his “only family”. For someone who tried to kill him twice himself not weeks ago.

Another thing, I love ofmd with everything I have and I thought season two was amazing, yet I’ll still say the ending sucked. We got a half assed burial for a crucial character that we were forced to fall in love because of all the character grow, and after that immediately the wedding and no one really even seemed to be that fucking affected.

The whole ending was about how much everyone loves Ed. I get that it was a private moment between him and Ed, which Ed had no privilege to have to begin with, but not a single person said good bye or even remotely let him know he was also loved. Because he was, they’re a family, they love each other. Izzy is the father that tried to protect them from Ed as much as he could, even from himself (hence saying “your feelings for Stede Fucking Bonnet” because with Edward constantly being high he might have just fucking shot himself. And Izzy wouldn’t let that happen).

I’m not saying that because of all the growth he did his death meant it didn’t matter, not at all. I’m saying it was poorly handled and made purely for shock factor and just to make it easier. Because in third season we have Stede and Ed and then Izzy doesn’t mix into the equation anymore, does he? With him being in love with Edward letting him go must’ve been a happy ending for them with “no interruptions”. That’s just my opinion. They didn’t even get a chance to sort anything out, to talk about anything except “sorry for your leg” scene. He got literally no closure, something I see often mentioned on here as well.

Izzy got the briefest time to feel actually happy. Imagine becoming a pirate at 16, scraping your way through life with so much violence, then working your ass off for Blackbeard and then here, you find a crew that lets you to just be, well, you. And he didn’t even get to feel that fully.

It was badly timed, the whole thing felt off, and once again, for someone who tried to actively kill and harm Izzy, Edward had no business bawling his eyes out how he’s his “only family”. A few weeks ago you discarded him like trash and didn’t even blink when you thought he was dead. Not saying people can’t change but holy shit balls is that a huge ass change for such short time.

I love Ed, don’t get me wrong, when you live among violence for so long it’s difficult to adjust your moral compass to something WE think is morally wrong or right. However I am saying it simply didn’t make sense.

And I love ofmd I thought second season was amazing, but the ending was not. And I think it’s okay to express something you didn’t like, just because I love it to death doesn’t mean I have to look at it like it’s the hand of god and I can’t be upset about anything.

I don’t think going forward I’ll make any comments on Izzy’s untimely death again, it’s just beating a dead (haha) horse over and over again, I’ve seen these things pointed that already but I talked how his death was fitting (in a way, it was) so now I wanted to say what was poorly handled. Because it was, in my opinion.

If you disagree, please don’t say that I deserve to lose a leg or “kys”, I really don’t think you should be watching ofmd if that’s your reaction to someone online criticising anything. And for that one lucky person who did say that, lucky to inform you, I already walk with the cane, so, half way there!

That’s it. That’s my final comment on this situation, I am slightly disappointed in how it ended but then again it’s just my opinion that means nothing in grand scheme of things. Moving forward I’m no longer commenting on this, only memes and good times.

Take care of yourself and most importantly love your fucking selves.

[myheartissetinmotion]

you know what I want?

I want a production of into the woods featuring the dropout cast.

I want all of that gloriously chaotic, wickedly smart energy that I know they could bring to it

I want to see the way this show can *hit* with the help of the audience’s preconceived notions. a big part of ITW is taking public knowledge of these old stories and shattering expectations; a lot of droupout’s success comes from its audience’s adoration of these people and their relationships, at least what’s shown on camera-everyone has an idea of what each cast member is like, and to see them play characters somewhat like or unlike their personas or the characters they usually play and then take them through the journey of the show would just. be. incredible

I want the pure warmth that would come from Brennan and Izzy’s rendition of “it takes two”

I want Jess Ross’ delivery of “THERE’S A DEAD GIANT IN MY BACKYARD”

I want to see Grant and Ify’s “agony” break the internet

I want to see Katie’s well-known and beloved “quirky girl” vibes contribute to the pain of Rapunzel’s breakdown (or to see the chaos of her Little Red, can’t decide)

I want Sam Reich as the narrator/mysterious man, and I want to see the half-joking edits people would make, putting audio of his and Brennan’s duet over clips of the most diabolical episodes

I want to see that beautiful dropout-trademarked mix of comedy and depth in the context of this striking piece of musical theatre, with the core message of “careful the tale you tell, that is the spell”. because we’ve always watched these people do their silly little prompts and play their silly little games and laugh together and then all of a sudden they’ll hit on something real and break all our hearts, because the stories we tell *matter*, and that is something I’ve seen shine through both pieces of media that I would just so love to see come together

(disclaimer, I’m speaking as someone who’s so far only seen game changer, half of make some noise, and a bunch of clips of other shows-I’m working my way through all the content and I’m sure that once I finally watch D20 my mind will explode with even more of these thoughts)

[justimagineitblog]

“You Used To Love Me” Michael Gray Fan Fiction - Chapter 13

Well hi *I wave sheepishly from behind the computer screen*

Let me start by saying I am so so sorry that the conclusion of this story took so long - I have barely been writing for a really long time. 

But this story and doing it justice has always been in the back of my mind, and I finally got myself to finish it for all of you who have been so loyal and patient.

Here is the final Chapter of You Used To Love Me.

All my love, I hope you enjoy x 

Besides the obvious shock at seeing him at such a fucking inopportune time, his presence sends an immediate chill down my spine. 

I have to physically close my eyes to try and rid my mind of the thoughts and flashbacks to the other night, when he kissed me. When we kissed each other. 

The room collectively falls silent. No one tries to stutter over their words. No one tries to save the moment with some excuse. Just pure silence. All of us processing what has just unfolded. That is until Gina finally speaks. 

“Well, I guess the gig is up” she says, almost laughing. 

I don’t even look at her. My eyes are just glued to Michael. I watch his face contort into 100 different shades of confusion. 

When no one else speaks, when nothing is elaborated, he looks back and forth between all of us, searching desperately for an answer. 

“Izzy?” He says my name, his tone just begging me for an answer. 

“This isn’t on her…” Gina begins, standing up slowly from the floor and straightening her dress “I’m pregnant, Michael” 

And just like that, the bomb is dropped. But that’s not even the worst of it. My heart aches inside my chest, knowing that it’s about to get so much worse for Michael. 

I didn’t think it was possible, but somehow the air in the room grows heavier. 

My whole body tenses at I wait to see Michael’s reaction. 

He doesn’t know it’s not his yet. 

He runs his eyes over her, covering his mouth in shock when he finally notices the small baby bump just beginning to show through her dress. 

“Oh my god” he runs a hand through his hair, his hands trembling.

He doesn’t speak, he just shakes his head in disbelief. No excitement. No joy at the thought of having his own child. And that says it all. He isn’t happy. This is not the life he wanted for himself. 

Part of me want’s to tell him about Gina’s infidelity. To tell him that he is not having a child. That he is not going to be stuck raising a child with a woman he doesn’t love. But before I can even find the words, his head stops shaking and his brows furrow. Like a lightbulb switched on in his mind. Like something clicked. It’s like I can see him mind doing back flips as he realises that something doesn’t add up. 

He looks back up at Gina, who is chewing at her bottom lip nervously. She is also waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

Like she said, Michael is smart. It won’t be long before it dawns on him, and I know she does not want that moment to unfold before all of us, here in this room. 

“I would like a moment alone with my husband” Gina says quickly, as she looks over at Polly and I. She knows Michael is starting to catch on to what he knows deep down inside. This is not his baby. 

I take her queue to leave immediately, reaching for Polly’s hand. “Come on Pol, let’s go make some tea yeah?” I say, locking eyes with her and nodding towards the doorway. 

Polly’s catches on, and she takes my hand as we both make our way out of the room. As we exit I quickly glance back over my shoulder to find Michael looking at me gravely, before Gina closes the door behind us.

Polly and I walk downstairs and into the kitchen in complete silence. I start making tea, but Polly touches my arm.

“This is not a time for tea… I’ll get the whisky”

I nod. I’m like a soldier with shell shock. I can barely speak. I can barely move as I lower my body stiffly into a chair at the dining table. 

I’m straining with all my might to hear the conversation going on upstairs between Gina and Michael, but it’s eerily quiet. 

I know what she is telling him now is being said in hushed voices. 

Polly slides a hefty glass of Whiskey in my direction, and tasting the bitter drink is the only thing that brings me out of my frozen trance. 

“Michael’s not going to be a father” she says out of the blue, with her face all knowing, as though she has read the room and understands the situation. 

“No” I affirm her suspicions, although she already knows without me needing to “No he’s not” 

“One day” Polly responds, holding eye contact with me.

I’ve always known Polly has senses. Everyone in the Shelby family knows. Hell, everyone in fucking town knows. She see’s things. Feels them. She know’s Michael will one day be a father. I’m not psychic and even I knew that. He has a way with children. He’s wonderful with them. And in this moment, I know exactly who she thinks he will be having children with. I know what she’s insinuating. 

I almost jump straight out of my seat when I few minutes later, I hear footsteps coming down the staircase. 

I quickly sink the rest of my whiskey, as Gina and Michael enter the dining room. 

“I’m taking Gina to the hospital, I’ll be back later. Tell Tommy we have to reschedule our meeting to another day” 

Michael is holding his cap in his hands, gripping it so tight that his knuckles have gone white. But they’re not as white as his face. I can’t tell if he looks like he’s seen a ghost, or if he is the ghost. 

Gina looks down at the floor, then up at the ceiling. Basically anywhere but at our faces. 

Polly nods, knowing that now is not the time to have words with either of them. I’m actually impressed with how civil she is being towards Gina in this moment. In light of the severity of the situation. 

Michael ushers Gina out the front door, and moments later the cars wheels turn on the gravel and make their way out of the street. 

Polly and I sit in silence, drinking for a little bit longer, until everything catches up with me. The whiskey, the sleeplessness, the bomb that was just dropped. 

Without saying much, Polly and I hug goodbye. She holds on a little longer than usual, and before we depart she gives me a knowing smile. 

I know what she’s thinking. I know she can tell something happened between Michael and I.

But I can’t let my brain run off with the possibilities. I don’t know what is going to happen between us. 

Even with Gina now possibly out of the picture, there’s a lot that has gone on between Michael and I. I still carry the pain, nursing it in my arms every day since he left for America, and came back with another woman. I don’t know what he could ever say to fix that.

And then there’s the possibility that he stays with her, despite the news. Which might just send me over the edge. Truly into a place of no return.

I wander the streets in the short walk back to my apartment, where I pour myself another drink when I arrive. 

I don’t know why, but I sit by the window. Waiting, I guess. Hoping that he might show up. Maybe even part of me is hoping that he doesn’t. But still, I can’t pull myself away. 

I have so many errands, so many jobs to do. But I can’t move on. I spend the rest of the day worrying about him. Picturing him at the hospital, sitting by Gina’s bedside. Supporting her on what might be the worst day of this life thus far. I picture his face when he found out she was pregnant. The horror and fear that he was trying to disguise. 

He didn’t have the glow of someone who just found out their wife is having a baby. 

By the time night falls, and dusk gives way, I have bitten my nails down to the quick without even noticing. 

Feeling horrid and heavy with anxiety, I decide to drag my sleep deprived body into the shower. It’s a peaceful moment, and I start to feel like I could finally settle into bed when someone knocks at my door as I’m getting changed into my night gown.

I catch myself in the mirror for a moment, willing myself to be strong, because I already know who it is standing at my door without even having to open it. 

As I make my way to my visitor, I run over 100 speeches that I have planned in my head. But once I grab that handle and pull it open, the chatter in my head falls silent. 

Michael Grey. 

He stands in the door way, a look of relief washing over his face as though he didn’t think I would actually answer him. 

Of course I would. 

He opens his mouth to speak, inhaling deeply, but the words never follow. With this much history between two people, it’s impossible to know where to begin.

He looks like he’s been to hell and back. 

“Sorry” he stammers, snapping himself out of his trance “Your door was unlocked, but I didn’t want to just walk in-”

“It’s always been unlocked” I breathe, knowing that I’ve kept a lot of parts of me unlocked, incase there was a moment where Michael Grey decided to wander back in. Just like he has right now. 

He nods, understanding what I meant immediately.

“Can I come in?” He begins “I can go if you want, I just…”

He looks so small in this moment. He’s the most timid and sheepish I have ever seen him.

“Of course” I nod, stepping aside to let him in.

We move about my apartment in silence, as we both take a seat at my dining table. When he does, he places his elbows on the table and rests his head in his hands. 

Without even needing to ask, I pour us both a drink.

“I figured if I need one of these you probably do too”

I looks up at me gratefully as I place the glass in front of him and he takes a swig. 

“How is she?” I ask, nervous to actually address the situation at hand. But I know there’s no way around it. We’re not going to talk about the fucking weather. 

“They’re uh, they’re going to keep her overnight until she’s got her hydration back”

There’s silence for a moment before he continues, and he looks as if he’s not able to believe what he’s about to say.  

“Then she’s going home”

My heart jumps and skips over a few beats, making me feel unsteady as I realise what he just said.

Gina is leaving. 

“We’re done” he says, and I suddenly take note of the fact that he’s not wearing his wedding ring. 

“Michael I’m sorry-” I begin, but falter when it comes to finishing my sentence.

I am sorry. But the truth is that I’m fucking relieved. Relieved for Michael. Relieved for myself. Relieved that I don’t have to watch him raise a child with someone else right in front of my eyes when it was supposed to be me. 

“It’s okay” he nods “Her and I we weren’t… I didn’t love her Izzy” 

I knew this whole time. I want to scream it from the rooftops. I want to scream it at him. I want to ask what possessed him to act that way for so long. 

I want to ask him who he loves. I want to ask him if it’s still me. 

“It still hurts though” I say instead, trying to keep my wits about me. And that is the truth. He is still in pain. 

“Yeah well I had that coming didn’t I” he almost laughs to himself, shaking his head. 

He looks up at me, bearing himself. He knows what he did was wrong. And he knows as far as karma goes, he was now getting his. 

“I’ve done so many things wrong… Everything got so out of control Iz” I notice his knee is bouncing rapidly beneath the table. 

I hold my breath, so much so that I begin to feel light headed and my chest begins to burn.

“We don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to” he says once he notices my speechlessness, “I just owe you an explanation. I owe you that much” 

I nod, giving him the go ahead. The green light of redemption. 

We’re on the edge of the moment. The moment I’ve been waiting for for months. 

“You know I don’t even know why you let me in, you’re always so kind, so good. Too fucking good. After everything” 

His chest rises and falls beneath his shirt and vest, growing faster with every second as he gets himself more and more worked up over the train wreck of his life. 

“You know I can’t get the look on your face out of my head, from the day that you saw me and Gina. The day I came back and told you to leave me alone. It fucking haunts me Izzy. Because I didn’t want it. But when you’re in too deep…” He shakes his head, as his words just keep pouring out frantically “I thought it was the only way… the only way to deal with what I had done. I couldn’t even look at Gina. I couldn’t even touch her. So I thought if I forgot about you, that I could move on”

“Did you?” Are the only words I can utter, as the lump in my throat swells, almost cutting off my voice completely. 

“Never. Fucking never” 

I had built this moment up in my head for so long. 

What I would say to him. 

How I would teach him a lesson. 

How I would show him what he had done to me. 

That he can’t get away with doing that to a person.

I had rehearsed how I would make him get on his knees and beg for my forgiveness.

Make him explain himself until he was blue in the face.

Until I was satisfied. 

I wait for that feeling to come, the rage, but it never does.

Instead, I stay silent as he takes a deep breath to steady himself. His eyes are welling up, threatening to spill over as he continues to explain.

“I lost my way over there. I was losing my fucking mind without you. I got drunk, Gina was forceful. One thing led to another and I woke up next to her one morning. Then I couldn’t get rid of her. I was doing business with her family, and it’s like she saw something she wanted and would stop at nothing to get it. That’s when I stopped contact with you… I couldn’t bring myself to talk to you. To face what I had done”

The first tear falls onto his freckled cheeks, but he wipes it quickly. 

“I was going to cut her off before I came back home, but she threatened that she would cut off the deal between Shelby Limited and her Uncles if I left her. She threatened fucking horrible things to the people I loved Izzy, you have no idea” His voice is panicked as he recalls every last detail, and I can see the flashbacks taking their toll on him. 

“Her family and her people, they’re something we’ve never dealt with before…She begged me to let her come with me. I was in way over my fucking head. And so I had to pretend. I didn’t want her to sink her claws into you too. I didn’t want anything to happen to you. I didn’t want you involved. So I had to pretend like I fucking hated you when all I wanted was to come crawling home to you”

By now, one tear had led to another, and he was no longer wiping them away. His eyes red, his cheeks drowning. 

Unable to keep swallowing the lump in my own throat, I abandon all control over my own emotions, and my own eyes spill over with tears. 

“You could have told me” my voice scrapes out of my throat “You could have told me what was happening”

He shakes his head “I wanted to protect you, and I had to break you in order to do that. And I’m so fucking sorry” 

The feeling comes again, where I’m certain I should be screaming at him right now. Cursing him for everything he put me through. 

But I can’t. After all this time, after everything. I just can’t. 

I still love him. 

My small, shaking hand glides across the top of the dining table, and lays gently over the top of his. 

Of course it did. We’re like magnets, him and I. We’ve never been able to keep away from each other. 

My touch has an immediate effect on him, as his breathing begins to calm.

But in an unexpected turn, he holds my hand and brings it up to his lips. His eyes close as he places a kiss on the back of my hand, and then another one on the soft, sensitive skin of my inner wrist. 

This is something we used to do all the time, and right now, it’s like he doesn’t realise what he’s doing. Muscle memory takes over. 

“You’re fucking stupid Michael Grey” I sniffle “I should hate you. I should fucking hate you” 

“Do you?” He asks, still holding onto my hand like it’s his only lifeline. 

I stare back at him for a moment, before I feel my head start to shake in response.

“Never” 

I feel a pull on my arm, as I realise he’s pulling my closer to him. 

And I don’t resist. 

Our bodies creep closer, slowly then all at once as we collide. His arms wrap around me fiercely, engulfing me. My arms wrap around his torso, and I make no mistakes about holding him tight. 

It’s almost crushing, suffocating, the way we are clinging onto one another. 

I can’t breathe, or cry, or laugh. I can’t move. And I don’t want to. 

His hand holds the back of my head, and I bury it into the crook of his neck. 

“I’m so sorry” he apologises, his voice muffled as his face presses into my skin “I’m so fucking sorry” 

I could have stayed like that forever, but he pulls back holding my face in his hands as he looks down at me.

“I love you” he begins, his breath tickling my face “I don’t know if that’s okay with you, but I still love you. Izzy. I never stopped” 

I look up at him, our breaths slowing and steadying, until we’re breathing in synchronicity. 

“I still love you the same as the day I met you” I shake my head, but I can feel the smallest of smiles begin to creep onto my lips “I love you Michael” 

“Yeah?” He asks one more time, as if he doesn’t believe it yet. 

“Yes, you fucking idiot” I exhale a laugh, unable to stop the smile now “I love you”

He beams back down at me, his head lowering until his lips meet mine. 

He’s slow, this time. Unsure. Gentle. As if this moment might fall away and escape him if he makes one wrong move. 

But I can’t hold back any longer. 

I kiss him back, pressing my body even harder against his, which I hadn’t thought was possible. 

I expect a ravenous kiss to follow, for clothes to start falling off our bodies and to gravitate our way towards my bedroom.

But after he returns a tender kiss, he pulls away. 

“Wait” he breathes

“You okay?” I pant, biting down on my lip. 

“Can we wait…” he whispers nervously “I don’t want you to think this is all I want. I just want to talk to you. Stay up all night talking like we used to. God I missed you so much”

My chest warms up, as I realise he really means it. That he doesn’t want me to get the wrong impression. That he missed my body, but more than that, he missed me. 

“Of course” I coo “I would like that” 

He presses his lips to mine one last time, then plants a few soft kisses across my nose and cheeks. Just like he used to. 

We lead each other to the bedroom, and flop down next to each other, taking in the days events. And how the hell we ended up here. 

It doesn’t take long for the conversation to start, as we turn to face each other. 

He caresses my face the whole time, stroking my cheek with his thumb gently. 

It’s all so familiar, and right now in our little bubble, it’s like no time has passed between us at all. Like no hearts were ever broken. 

We talk for hours, neither of us ever feeling tired for a moment. We laugh, getting carried away and wrapped up in each others. Sometimes we cry. He apologises more times than I can keep count. We hold each other. Sometimes I want to ask him to pinch me, to make sure I’m not still concussed from earlier in the week and imagining all of this. That I’m not going to wake up and realise it wasn’t real. That he won’t be taken away from me again. 

We talk about how things used to be.

We talk about the future.

Eventually at some point in the early hours of the morning, once our voices are tired and we can’t keep our eyes open any longer, we fall asleep. 

When I wake, I’m alone, but next to me I can see the indent of where Michael had been next to me the night before.

My heart starts to race as I become more aware.

He’s left. He’s gone again. 

I’m almost carried away into a full panic attack, when something snaps me out of it. The sound of the radio coming from somewhere in the house.

Wondering if someone is here, or if I just left it on, I wrap myself in a robe and make my way into the heart of my apartment. 

And there he is. 

Fixing up breakfast, still in his clothes from the night before. Humming along to the radio. 

He doesn’t even realise I’m there for a few moments, and I’m glad I have some time to process this all to myself.

I had thought I’d never see this scene again. Maybe in my memories, but never in real life. 

Michael, in my kitchen, making us breakfast on a cold morning. 

My chest floods with warmth.

I didn’t realise how I felt like I had been holding my breath up until this moment, and how now I can finally exhale. 

“Morning” he greets me when I he catches me standing there out of the corner of his eye “Sorry, I just thought I’d make you some breakfast, or at least coffee” 

“Thank you” I smile, as I force myself to hurry up and adjust to the moment. 

“You still like your eggs the same?”

“Absolutely” I smile, endeared by him asking. 

He holds out a hand, and I take it, as he reels me in towards his body. 

“If this is too much just tell me” he says softly, checking in with where I’m at right now “Is this okay?” 

I can tell he’s still unsure. Unsure of whether I’m going to tell him to leave. To get out. That the mistakes are unforgivable and that we can never get it back. 

But the truth, that I can feel in my core, is that what we had never really left. 

I run a hand through his hair, and he closes his eyes briefly, taking in the sensation. 

“I think so” I nod, and he perks up, his eyes look hopeful and bright again “I thought you had left” I admit, revealing why I looked so startled just now.

“No chance” he shakes his head “I’m here. I’m yours”

And I believe him.

It’s a pivotal moment.

Standing on the edge and letting yourself jump. 

I know it will take time. And I know he will work every day to prove it to me. 

But I choose to trust him.

In whatever way that means right now.

I am his.

I always have been. And I always will.

TAGLIST

@shadow-of-wonder

@marvelismylifffe​ 

@saintd0lce

@haphazardhufflepuff​ 

@peaky-things​ 

@burnitup​ 

@swweett-insanityyy​ 

@ganjeolhiddaeng​ 

@thoughtfulfreakalpaca​ 

@infinitelycharmed23​ 

@chloeforde​ 

@ashtronomyyyy​ 

@livingforbarnes​ 

@cleverdreamerhoagiewolf​ 

@elleclairez​ 

@marvelschriss​ 

@carezzesuigraffi

@l0tsofpennies

@siliethkaijuy

@ineedabifriend

@bloodorangemoonlight

@maiabiovillage

@yoheyyosup

@hinagiku0​ 

@beth-winchester21​ 

@soleil-dor

@baker151910

@cherrytop02

[applbottmjeens]

HELP ME TO BREATHE.

title taken from duvet by bôa

tags: (semi canon compliant?? mentions of other ocs, angst, and heartbreak, Echo Squad mention, old fiction, other ocs mentioned.)

summary: post Las Almas, Anna falls apart.

I am falling, I am fading, I am drowning

Help me to breathe

I am hurting, I have lost it all

I am losing

Help me to breathe

It was one thing to see red flags through rose tinted lenses. It was another thing to see the red flags, try to walk away, but end up looking past them anyway.

Anna’s disdain for the Commander began not long after they were introduced. Disdain turned to a truce for the sake of working together. The truce turned…into something else.

“I don’t love him.” She’d tell herself with her arms around his neck, lips on his after one of many arguments.

“I don’t love him.” She thought when he grabbed her hand to stop her from leaving him alone the morning after, gently pulled into his arms.

“I don’t love him.” She assured her fellow Echo Squad when they saw how he looked at the young sergeant after exchanging quips at each other in passing.

She repeated this lie to herself hundreds of times to herself after the events of November 3rd. Her silence is deafening - mind spinning as the team plots their retaliation against Shepard- against him. Logic tells her it’s the only way to stop him. That killing him would turn the tides in their favor.

But her heart. Oh, her heart screams, and she is thankful that they decide not to involve her in the fight. She watches them march out in the skull masks, and when the others return to base alive, she’s relieved and overjoyed to see them safe.

Then they witness the relief crumble into the stinging realization: They killed him.

They killed Phillip. They killed her Phillip.

Sparrow holds her close as she cries into her arms. They know this sound- grief, pure pain as she trembles.

It’s crawling up her chest, making refuge in her throat. It’s not fair. It’s not fair.

He’d fooled her, tried to kill her friends, hurt so many people-

Why did it still hurt?

Why did she still miss him?

“Annie.” His voice is so clear in her mind. It’s an outrage she’d never hear him say it again.

It’s on the flight to Illinois that Anna finally speaks about it. Izzy hands her a bottle of water, having cried out enough that day.

“I loved him.” She admits aloud, voice strained and quiet. “I think I still do.”

These words don’t seem to surprise Isobel, who sits across from her and sighs.

“I know, honey.” She speaks softly. “I know you did.” And he deserved none of it. Even if he didn’t betray them, he never would.

Sparrow sits next to her, the tissue box on her lap as the smaller Sergeant lays her head on her shoulder.

Annabelle glances down, but she doesn’t seem to have it in her to cry anymore. “I think..the hard part is…trying to figure out if…if he was just using me, or…” Her eyes squeeze shut as the memory resurfaces- his hands gingerly holding her face as she cried, gaze soft as he wiped her tears with his thumbs.

“Was anything you said true?” Her voice is so small.

“Baby…” He gazes down at her, something in his baby blue eyes she can’t decipher. “I’ll explain everything in due time-” She takes his hands off of her face. Her face paint had smudged considerably from her tears. “No. I need an answer , NOW!"

“I’ve got my orders, and now you have yours.” He speaks, and she steps back, hands shaking as Alejandro steps forward.

“And who the fuck do you think you are, cabron? My men are inside!” The Colonel exclaims in disbelief.

“I’m afraid not.” The air is so cold now.

“Your men have been…detained.”

The rest is a blur. She remembers Alejandro being restrained. She remembers him shooting at Soap- Isobel, aiming for his throat - being pushed to run despite her legs wanting nothing more than to collapse. Sparrow had taken out several guys at the gate before she screamed at everyone to scatter.

“Anna…we have to move!” Her Lieutenant urges.

She glances at her reflection on the window of the plane, her sister in arms in her peripheral while she smiles sadly at her own foolishness. What a naive child her heart was..

"The worst part is...If he just said he was sorry - if he just told me he needed me, I would've gone to him in a heartbeat. If he said he was sorry, I would've forgiven him. I would've..." She laughs, pain in her eyes. “He’s..He really got me in the end.”

“I don’t love him.” Anna lies to herself, nothing holding her back from fighting now. “Not anymore.”

[oops-it-happened-again]

Chapter 6

Izzy is taking matters into her own hands. Literally.

-> Chapter 5

Words: 1145

Warnings: Sexual innuendo, nudity, a sense of danger

“Bedroom?” he gasped.

Izzy could have kicked herself—she now understood perfectly why Edith hadn’t stopped warning her. Her friend knew that her wicked mouth would get her into hot water if she wasn’t careful.

“You’re too tall to be comfortable on the couch,” she said weakly. “Please, you can have the bathroom first if you want. I’ve only just moved in, so there should be a second, unused toothbrush in the cupboard under the sink.”

“I…no, I couldn’t…” Osferth stammered but let himself be steered towards that accursed chamber, nevertheless.

As she peeled her dress off and slipped into the best negligée she’d brought over, Izzy couldn’t help but think wistfully of the huge mansion she’d fled so callously.

If she’d met Osferth at home, she could have offered him his own ensuite bathroom rather than have him fumble around between her countless mismatched bottles and tubes.

If she’d met Osferth at home, she corrected herself, she would not even have been able to bring him home. Her father would never have allowed it!

A loud bang outside her flat abruptly put an end to her heartbroken musings—at once, the bathroom door swung open and Osferth rushed out, toothbrush in hand and eyes narrowed.

“It’s only the Scandinavian couple on the first floor,” Izzy explained. “Nothing to worry about—they’re a bit raucous but not dangerous.”

He turned back to her with the expression of a deer caught in headlights as he drank in her change of clothes.

A startled, choked noise escaped him, and he waved his hand helplessly at the bathroom.

Taking this to be an invitation, Izzy walked past him brazenly and washed her face as thoroughly as her impatience allowed.

Suddenly, she felt terribly self-conscious. She’d taken off all her armour—dress, make-up, and hairdo—and now stood, clean as the morning, before a man about whom she knew next to nothing other than that he was a tender kisser and handsome enough to induce a bona fide heart attack.

“No guns in the bedroom,” she repeated and slunk back into her bedchamber, fighting the impulse to hide under the covers until he came out.

“I can take the couch—I shouldn’t sleep anyway,” Osferth muttered, standing in the doorframe with a worried expression on his face.

“Or you could come and kiss me some more—if you want to, that is,” she smiled bravely.

“Is this how things work for others? Women spot you in the club and invite you home to kiss them?” Osferth asked warily.

“I don’t know—I usually don’t ask men from the club to come home with me. As you’re already here, though, I will not question God’s grace.”

His face contorted anxiously, and Izzy reminded herself forcefully that she had to be careful. Her anger, her sadness, and her need for change were neither his business nor his fault, and she couldn’t put these things on him.

“It was an offer, not a demand,” she specified gently. “You can do as you please—I’m thankful for your presence.”

She could see the internal struggle in the wavering of his features, and then he strode over and sat down on the edge of her bed beside her with a small huff.

“What do I do with my hands?” he asked soberly.

“Whatever you want to do with them,” Izzy laughed. “Do you want me to hold them, so you don’t have to think about them?”

He nodded.

Thus, she soon drowned in the cool lagoon of his heart-wrenchingly pure tenderness as his fingers nearly vibrated against her palms whenever their lips met—Izzy had known men, but she’d never met anyone half as willing to enjoy a simple kiss for such a length of time.

He tasted like her toothpaste and innocence—and that was the moment she realised that she wanted him so much it hurt.

Fortunately, Izzy was a woman who’d learned that she couldn’t get all she yearned for the hard way, and that’s why she pulled back before she could devour more than he’d offered.

When she lifted her hand to his brow, though, to brush away a stray strand of his truly awfully cut hair, he melted into the fleeting touch with such eagerness that it broke her heart.

She’d heard of these things, but she’d never given it much credence. In her experience, men wanted to conquer and hurt rather than be caressed lovingly.

And yet, here he was, that tall, gorgeous young man who nuzzled her open palm, eyes closed and mouth agape.

 “You look exhausted,” she whispered. “Why don’t you lay down just a moment?”

“And you? Will you stay?”

She could hear it now, the echo of a child who had lost something vital too early in his life in the voice of a man who denied himself even the simplest of pleasures for fear that he couldn’t pay the bill when it came due.

“I will stay with you,” she promised and folded back the thick, treacherously luxurious blanket.

At first, he lay motionless as if afraid to disturb her, but when she rolled around to press a coy kiss onto his cheek, that hand he’d worried so much about slid into her unbound hair and pulled her against his side.

“Good night, Osferth. Whatever will come may come—this alone was worth a little fear,” she yawned and settled her head against his chest.

“I’ve never lain in bed with a woman like that,” he mused aloud. “It’s nice. I now understand Finan better. What sweet torture our days on the road must have been for the others.”

“Oh, you only know the half of it,” Izzy laughed breathlessly.

“Sex,” he said dryly. “Yes, so I am told.”

“If that’s something you have no interest in, that is absolutely fine,” Izzy interjected decisively. “Don’t let others pressure you!”

“Oh no, it’s not that…” He coughed nervously. “I just…It makes no sense to me how these things start. The others make it look so easy—they hold a woman’s gaze and then disappear with her into a dark corner.”

“You’ve started well,” Izzy contradicted kindly. “Only, the next time you kiss a woman, you might want to let your hands wander just a little.”

“How? How will I know that she wants that?”

Pushing himself up on his elbows, he looked down at her relaxed, smiling face.

“Let me show you,” Izzy invited and slung her hand around the nape of his neck to pull him down carefully until their lips brushed once more.

As soon as she heard the sharp intake of breath, she arched up, pressing her whole body shamelessly against his own.

Her nightdress rode up as his hands bunched into fists against the small of her back—she smiled against his generous, stern mouth.

“Go on,” she encouraged. “Please!”

Thank you for reading!

If this is something that could interest you, please let me know!

Read this on Ao3

-> Chapter 7

[a-drop-of-nightshade]

A shadow of his beloved god had appeared, the dark that devoured the stars whispered to him, a deep twisted voice, a cold chill incomparable filling the office, “Find the boy I have chosen as my unholy saint, that child has the power to bring that of which your greedy heart desires.” They hissed, a cold cruel hand grasping his jaw, claws digging in and drawing blood with ease, ghostly green eyes burning with unending hunger bore into him, seeing through all he was, “Do not fault to entertain me or all you shall find is my hunger swallowing you!” They pressed a claw to his forehead, painfully burning the images into his mind of the boy they wished him to seek, “He is the shadow of a star, I’m sure you’ll know where to look to find him so.” And with that they were gone, light and warmth returning to the office leaving only claw trails on his cheeks and jaw, a line of blood from a small pierced hole on his brow and the images of L burnt into his mind akin to that of the symbols he worshiped.

———

L sneezed suddenly and rubbed at his nose, “Ugh, someone’s talking shit.” He grumbled, wincing his scars ached and throbbed, before he spotted Cassie and Izzy bringing in the shopping, lurching to his feet he ran over to grab a box, “Here lemme help.” He said beaming, despite only having been attacked by the abyss to protect Izzy a year ago he was recovering well; his body was covered in blackened scars, his skin a sickly pale and his hair pure white, his ears were now slightly pointed and teeth sharp, he had black claws on his finger tips and his eyes were ghostly green, he was left irreparably marred and yet he pushed through and smiled at Izzy warmly, “How’d it go Starlight? You run into any trouble?” He asked leaning over to kiss her head lovingly.

@izzyfromdeadspace

[tvshowspoilers]

Rewatching all of the episodes released to do last minute, 11th hour thoughts

————————————————

Season 2 episode 1

Just realized Rickey calls himself an “odd bird” which is fitting with the episode title

Also realized that Rickey says “I know everything about you” but instead melting Stede like whenever Ed said, it just pisses him off

Still can’t get over the way Ed says “and these are the kids” and “hi all”

“Vibe on this ship is poisonous” ——-> “turn poison to positivity”

Still crazy he was at sea for 88 days…the idea that the tally marks were for Stede is sad but that it’s also for the record makes it sadder

I wonder if the indigo will ever come back into play

Also it’s interesting that Ed never did anything about Fang crying

Episode 2

Seeing cleaned up and chipper Ed hurts with the context that he wants to die…also every moment with Ed when he’s interacting with Frenchie is just….ooof yeah he looks gorgeous but damn those eyes are dead…like when he says “was someone injured” and “panto”

Idk what to think about Stede’s lack of expression when Lucius says everything that happened was his fault…I mean he does let out a hell of a sigh at the end of the scene

I like Archie’s earring

Does ed feel any guilt at the moment when Jim says “he was your friend “ or was it still just pure anger

Also, Zhang saying “you’re doing great” totally has the “doing great sweetie ❤️❤️” vibes

EPISODE 3

Stede face when he starts to climb over the rail breaks my heart every time

anyone else notice how gentle ed is with his hands? Like when he places them on the table as Jeff during the gravy basket, when he places them on his lap when visiting sick Izzy, when he crosses them in s1e6 when Stede tells him they should do a fuckery

The heartbreak coming on to Stede face when he sees Ed hurts

Wonder if ghost Hornigold is a foreshadowing for living Hornigold coming

Also love the Zheng tries to seduce Olu with a sword

Aww Jim grabbed Archie’s hand when they were escaping the cell

I’m never going to stop yelling about how ed grabs Stede hand at the end of this episode

Also is This Woman’s Work season 2’s The Chain? Either way I tear up

EPISODE 4

I think Ed’s first expression when he wakes up is confusion, of course. But also maybe a little omg you’re here…for a minute, lol. Then he gets pissed. Anyone more eloquent then me have any ideas?

I so wish the cast could talk about this show so we could ask them who voted to kick ed off ship and to keep him

Heh…is that a yay or neigh

I don’t think Stede was actually gonna leave him leave him right

Still wondering if ed called the rabbit a wolf cause he’s still a little out of it lol

I’m glad ed got his hug but HE NEEDS A HUG FROM STEDE

Also I wonder if Buttons led him to Mary’s shop on purpose

I better get ed calling Stede darling or love in epi 8 or I’m going to cry

Omg I know we see bare chested Izzy later and all but dude! Just noticed his opened vest when he’s talking to the unicorn

Man ed is sooo pissed and trying so hard to keep that cold facade but he always wants to “melt back into “ Stede arms..hence his first expression when he wakes up before the anger comes back cause Stede “expects him to back back into his arms the second he pops his head up”

Also I love how fondly he remembers being stabbed by Stede but also it huuuurts because of epi. 6 “I had to make him do it…hes so fragile”

First time I saw epi 4 I thought Annie was gonna throw up in the bowl buttons found

Episode 5

Love that Lucius points out that ed never actually said I’m sorry to them, he’s right and I hope he gives them proper apology later

So Ed’s emotion and breaking of his voice but also the YouTuber quality of it….anyone have any thoughts?

Ed’s apology and the whole “restore my reputation” hits different with Taikas fuck up, doesn’t it?

Still going crazy over Ed’s face when Stede says it’s a long story. Is he sad? That stede feels like he should stop talking? Or what…

I love ed setting boundaries, well done and Stede’s instant acceptance

Also, did David really put in a song that goes “you’re so baby”…..he knows… he knows ed is our babygirl

EPISODE 6

Gosh but I do love Bronson Pinchot. I first saw him as Mr. Toomy and I love that he brought that energy here

I don’t think this is the day after but a few days maybe

I wonder why ed put on his leathers….cause he had no clothes yet or…? Cause Stede says he can use the treasure to buy new clothes but in the next episode he is wearing clothes he clearly gathered together from the ship

DO WEEEEEEE? Love Fang

During the scene where they are getting the supplies for the party…..Where did ed goooo??? He is walking on the bridge and suddenly is gone and then back….did he trip over guitar guy ( who I guess is Ned)??

WHY IS RICKEYS NOSE STRING PURPLE, That’s Ed’s color!

Ed’s little hey and soft eyes when Stede walks up is precious

I love the community during the party

When ed sees Izzy, his face…WHAT IS HE THINKING

Heh, just noticed a torturer with little sunglasses on

The noose around Hellcat Maggie’s neck

Does anyone else think they may have not gone all the way during sex? Tbh that’s my head canon I think?

EPISODE 7

The morning after robe is lovely…. As much as I wanted it to be from the auxiliary wardrobe, I absolutely love the idea Ed chose it for himself

Omg I can’t with Stede’s squeak

Lol the cigarette behind Lucius’s ear

I can’t hear Swede say “my wife” without flashing back to Borat

Ed’s sad look when he’s looking at the fishing boat hurts

Also, the guy Stede sets Hey simulation sorry I missed it on fire only gives me Freddy Krueger vibes

 Also, I had originally posted ages ago about Ed not being happy… And yeah whenever Stede says you don’t sound happy… 😭 I don’t know how to articulate what I’m thinking

Oh Stede, loosing ed and then his crew

The tears in Stedes eyes, he’s so upset about loosing his family and ed

Still can’t with the fight

———————————————-

So I think I’m ready for episode 8! (Lol no I’m not) but this has been a good run and here’s hoping for season 3!

[skyofstorms]

❛ hey … it’s okay now. you’re safe here. ❜ Sam Winchester to Izzy (i snagged a meme off your archive blog if that's okay)

Izzy was tense as she watched the male, eyeing him. The last thing she remembered, she had been tracking a rabid werewolf. "Sorry if I don't seem conviced. I haven't been kidnapped in a while." she countered with sass, scooting back on the bed. "Where am I?" Reaching to her wrist, she frowned a little. "Where is my wh...bracelet?"

@ashesstxries

[haywire-hetfield]

Masterlist Of Fics

A masterlist of all the fics I have done so far. Any explicit fics will be marked with a *

Angel All In Black (Dave x James)*

Dave knew how to be passive aggressive, he really did. The problem was that there was a massive difference between knowing how to do something and having the ability to actually do it.

But It's The Season Of The Sticks (James x Lars)*

James and Lars didn't anticipate how much would actually change without Dave there.

get him back! (Dave x Lars, James x Lars)*

It wasn't about being attracted to Lars. For Dave, the only thing that mattered was the fact it would piss James off.

The Men You Meet At Night And The Glorious Gift Of Fear (James x Lars)*

Two strangers happen to meet on a dark road in California.

Then In A Year Or Maybe Not Quite (Dave x James)*

"You know how I’m supposed to be going into heat next weekend?” Dave asked after they’d both caught their breath. James gave a small noise of acknowledgment. “Well, I’m not going to go into heat."

Didn't Get The Chance To Feel The World Around Me (Dave x Lars, James x Dave x Lars)*

Dave and Lars encounter an unexpected spectator.

But Your Heart Got Teeth (Dave x James)

When Megadeth opens for Metallica, James decides he needs to talk to their lead singer.

Hold Every Memory As You Go (Duff x Axl x Izzy x Slash x Steven)

Duff looked like a fucked up angel when he finally climbed back into bed. Blonde hair messy and eyeliner smudged, knees bloody and scraped up as he curled close to Slash.

When You Burned Down The House And Home (Dave x James)*

It's just the cycle they go through. They fight, they fuck, they forget.

Kind Of Used To Being Someone You Love (Krist x Dave Grohl)

Dave had always heard the idea that if you were blind, your other senses were automatically better. He wasn’t sure how much he believed it, but he supposed it made sense. When he found himself blindfolded, he started to realize just how much truth the idea had behind it.

Full Speed Or Nothing (James x Lars)*

While staying with James in America, Lars goes into heat.

Say My Name And His In The Same Breath (I Dare You To Say They Taste The Same) (Jason x Lars)

Jason helps a drunken Lars back to his hotel room.

'Cause He Couldn't Help Me With My Mind (James x Jason)*

“Jamie’s in heat,” Lars had warned as soon as Jason walked through the front door, not even giving him time to kick his shoes off first. It had been as though Lars was purposefully waiting for him to get back and Jason realized very quickly he had been. “Go handle it,” Lars encouraged and he didn’t explain further. He didn’t need to. 

You Remind Me How To Fly (James x Cliff)*

“Cliff?” James whispered through the darkness of their bedroom, shaking the sleeping man awake. They were cuddled up in the bed, pressed close together beneath the blankets. Cliff let out a sleepy noise, but one that told James he was awake-ish. “I’m in heat. Help me handle it?” He asked, trying to keep the edge of nervousness out of his voice.

To All The Boys I've Loved (Lars x James, Lars x Ron, Lars x Dave, Lars x Cliff, Lars x Jason, Lars x Kirk)*

Lars reflects on his life and all the men he's potentially loved over the years.

But I Don't Know How Yet (Mick x Izzy)*

After being punched by Vince, Izzy finds some unexpected company with Mick.

I'm No Longer Naive And I Don't Feel As Pure As I Once Did (David x Dave)*

There were many things David expected to do once he got to California. Trying cocaine in Dave Mustaine's apartment was not one of them.

Hey Jude, Don't Carry The World Upon Your Shoulders (James x Cliff)

After spending his last heat with Cliff, the mourning process gets even more complicated for James when he finds out he's pregnant. Now, he must navigate that as well as the death of his best friend.

Hot, Young, And Running Free (Tommy x Nikki)*

When Nikki finally makes his way back to Tommy, his pupils are blown wide and he smells like home.

It's All My Love (Steven x Duff)*

Steven Adler was an unusual beta for many reasons, the most obvious of which was his obsession with breeding his omega.

But They Won't Flower Like They Did Last Spring (David x Dave)

“Let me tell you something about people, Junior. They change all the goddamn time,” Dave said meanderingly as though he carefully considered every word before he uttered it. He brought his cigarette to his lips, inhaling deeply for a few long seconds before he spoke again. Dave was frowning deeply now, a mixture of bitterness and dejection marring his features. “Or maybe they were just always different from what you thought.”

On An Island In The Sun (Dave x Izzy)*

“I don’t think so. I think it fits you a lot better,” Dave’s voice was steady and low, rubbing his hand up the inside of Izzy’s arm carefully. Izzy still flinched when fingertips brushed over the yellowing bruises in the crook of his arm. “None of these are fresh. How long has it been since you’ve been let off of your leash?” Dave asked him, continuing to try to push Izzy’s buttons. He jerked his arm away from Dave and was relieved when it wasn’t grabbed back. The relief washed away when Dave leaned in close. “I can fix you up,” He whispered to him.

Too Young To Fall In Love (Tommy x Vince)*

While Vince wants Tommy, he quickly finds out Tommy is thinking about someone else. He decides he can work with that.

One Of Those Horrible Little Children (Alice Cooper x Dave, Dave x Jason)*

Dave returns home on Halloween night with a fun story to tell Alice. (Based loosely off of Headbangers Ball 1989)

Can You Make It Feel Like Home If I Tell You You're Mine? (James x Lars)*

Lars knew he shouldn't get involved with James, not when he was still so desperately missing Dave, but he'd never made the best decisions. And maybe he could make James want him more if he just held on a bit longer.

the word "tragic" means a lot to me (James x Izzy)

James thinks that if anyone in the world will understand what he's going through, it's Izzy.

Take Off All My Blues (James x Lars, Tommy x Nikki, Steven x Duff, Dave x Axl, Kirk x Lars)*

A collection of fics I've done based off of dialogue prompts.

Every Claim You Stake (James x Lars, Lars x Izzy, James x Lars x Izzy)*

Finally living in a different country, Lars must navigate the tricky world of love.

Pitching Myself As Leads In Other People's Dreams (Tommy x Nikki)*

“Excuse me?” Nikki snapped, whipping around to face him. Vince looked confused more than anything and he could hear Mick snorting out a laugh somewhere beside them. Tommy could feel his own cheeks heating up, embarrassed by the entire situation. “You don’t talk to me like that,” Tommy decided against arguing with Nikki and pushing it.

Enter Sandman (Dave x James)*

It wasn't the first time James couldn't tell if he was asleep or awake, but it was definitely the first time this had happened.

Strawberry Wine (Tommy x Nikki)*

Mick had always possessed a talent to know when something was wrong. Usually, this meant just always assuming something was wrong and being right occasionally. This time, he was sure of it, though. 

It's The Best Thing That I'll Ever Do (I Get To Love You) (Tommy x Nikki)*

It hit Tommy suddenly that all of this was for him. Only he got to see Nikki like this these days. Every inch of his skin, every noise he made, every mole and blemish on his skin. All of this was reserved just for Tommy now. 

I Think You're Changing, You Don't Gotta Stay The Same (Jason x James)

It started small. The first time Jason noticed anything was going on, they were all gathered around and looking at old pictures.

Hand Of Gold That Lays Waste To My Love (Dave x James)*

Dave had never been like other boys, but James supposed he wasn't really like other boys either.

A Makeshift Gauge Of How Much To Give And How Much To Take (Jason x Lars)*

Lars wasn't a kind person anymore. He was once-a long time ago-before the world changed around him. Everyone else could see it, so why did Jason have such a hard time understanding it?

You Said My Heart Has Changed And You Had Not (James x Dave)*

Over the span of decades, James and Dave share five separate experiences.

Your Worst Kept Secret (James x Dave x Lars)*

The premise of the movie was interesting enough, but James couldn’t bring himself to focus on it. All he could focus on was Lars and Dave next to him on the couch. He was doing his best to pretend he didn’t notice them, but it was rather difficult to ignore his husband making out with someone else. 

Oh, You're A Loaded Gun (Tracii x Izzy)*

Their lips had met clumsily, using too much tongue and teeth, but neither seemed to mind. Izzy’s hands sank deep into Tracii’s soft hair and Tracii’s own touched every part of Izzy he could reach.

Where Is Your Boy Tonight? (I Hope He Is A Gentleman) (Kirk x Dave)*

On the way to his hotel, Kirk had offered his hand to Dave to hold which Dave had simply ignored. He didn’t want sweet or gentle with Kirk and he was going to make sure Kirk knew that.

And When It Comes To Love (Izzy x James)*

Izzy let out a quiet noise, appearing to think for a minute before he leaned across the table and held his cigarette out to James. He got the idea of what Izzy was suggesting pretty quickly and he swallowed the anxiousness about the situation that was rising in his throat. Instead, he took the cigarette and decided to give it a try. Izzy’s eyes were focused on him the entire time, watching like a hawk.

And I Pay For My Place By The Ring (Dave x Ron)*

Ron considered this for a moment, silent and staring at the poster-covered wall across from him. He wasn’t totally against it. Dave was attractive enough, although a bit abrasive, and it had been a while since Ron had done things like this. He missed it in a way and he found himself nodding. 

Angel Hair And Baby's Breath (Jimmy x Robert)*

Jimmy didn’t need this very often. He had a fairly happy marriage and he usually managed fine, living the normal and pleasant life he knew he should. Every once in a while, he grew restless and there were certain things he needed when he felt that restlessness settling into his bones. 

The Spaces Between (James x Lars)*

Normally, he’d be embarrassed by the idea of anyone listening to him or watching him get off, but that feeling wasn’t present now. All he could focus on was how good Lars felt, how good he was making Lars feel in return, both of them chasing the same goal. 

Confidants But Never Friends (David x Dave)*

Dave knew his emotions got out of hand sometimes. Usually, they were at their worst when he’d been drinking. He was hypersensitive to seemingly everything and his already short fuse was matched with reduced decision making skills. It was a nasty mix and he didn’t envy anyone who had to deal with it. But the problem was he was completely sober in David’s bed.

Kiss The Back Of Your Teeth (Cliff x Lars)*

"Why don't we skip the condom this time?"

No Other Version Of Me I Would Pretend To Be Tonight (Steven x Lars)*

“You look so fucking hot,” Steven’s words made Lars laugh, sharp and sudden as he looked at him from the foot of the bed. They were so direct and Steven had a grin on his face that Lars couldn’t describe as anything other than boyish. It was bright and lopsided, showing too many teeth. 

I Feel So A Star Is Born (Tommy Lee x Steven Adler)*

Steven’s body seemed to be weightless, floating on air, as he laid in the hotel bed with Tommy. He was hooked on this sort of feeling.

Bleeding Me Dry Like A Goddamn Vampire (Kirk x Lars)*

Kirk knew it was dangerous to bite Lars; he knew once he started, he wouldn't want to stop.

Two Lovers Entwined (Phil Lewis x Brent Muscat)*

“If I'm so pretty then why am I not in your bed yet?” Phil asked, catching Brent a bit off guard. The sudden bluntness of the question made him laugh.

I'm Such A Good Good Boy (Vince x Tommy)*

Sometimes, there were things they needed that only the other could give them.

Burn With Me (James x Lars)*

James’ admission hadn’t really surprised Lars. Considering the way he was raised, Lars knew he had a weird relationship with sex growing up and he was still working to unlearn it. Even today, he had moments where he viewed sex as something shameful or perverse. He’d also had a hard time making friends during his younger years. Adding them both together, Lars understood how it had never happened.

Aphrodite*

A collection of Metallica fics, each chapter dealing with a different pairing/kink

A Step Beyond (James x Lars)*

Lars couldn’t even remember what they were fighting about. Being stuck around the same people all the time with no escape was enough to set anyone on edge, though. Every little thing became something massive once they’d been on tour long enough. The hotel rooms were a nice reprieve when they got them, but even the added space couldn’t completely calm them down. 

It Was Simple, It Was Sweetness (Gentle Angel) (Lars x Rick Allen)

Lars and Rick's developing relationship shown in five separate moments in time.

The Life Of The (After) Party (James x Dave)

Dave realized that this was exactly why he ran; he wanted James to chase him.

[nicklloydnow]

“When I was writing the book, I interviewed apsychologist who told me that the worst thing you can give a control freak, which is what Axl appears to be, is give them total control. Because it induces a kind of stasis in them where they literally will never finish anything, because it will never be quite right. And I think that is a huge part of what’s been going on here. If Guns N’ Roses were still Guns N’ Roses — in other words, if it were still five guys that started out equal in the band, this album so would have been released years and years ago, and then they’d have gone on and made another one, and another one. It isn’t Guns N’ Roses; it’s in effect an Axl Rose solo album, Axl and a bunch of hired hands — very talented hired hands, but guys who have been hired to do what he tells them to do. Otherwise he’d still be with the real band, who weren’t so easy to tell what to do.

He’s had it all his own way for years and years. And the result is, listening to it, it’s incredibly overproduced, overreaching, almost self-pitying, a lot of the tracks, but also an album that seems to try to deal with a lot of questions to do with the past, and provide a certain amount of rationale behind why he is who he is, and no one ever really understands, and all this kind of stuff. As a solo album, it’s a really interesting piece of work. But if you need to look at it as a Guns N’ Roses album — and we have to because that’s how they’re selling it — I don’t know. I don’t think people got into Guns N’ Roses so they could listen to an album like this. I think they loved Appetite for Destruction because there was something in it (that) reminded them of Led Zeppelin, reminded them of The Stooges, reminded them of wild, out-there music that kind of broke all the rules.

And I think on Use Your Illusion [it was] the same thing. Even though the whole EltonJohn/Queen influence that Axl has made itself more apparent on the UseYour Illusion albums, it was still Guns N’ Roses. You still had somefantastic guitar playing from Slash, and real cohesive band performances — it sounded like a group still. And I don’t think this does. It’s very hard for me to truly view [Chinese Democracy] as a Guns N’ Roses album when there’s really only one guy from Guns N’ Roses on it.

(…)

Come the nineties, he was very, very freaked out by the whole Nirvana grunge thing. Nirvana and grunge did to Guns N’ Roses what they [GNR] did to the Poisons and the Motley Crues: they made them look silly. And they were in their silliest phase, let’s be fair. The video for “November Rain” just makes me cringe.

(…)

Awful, awful. And that of course was all Axl’s doing. And I think in his heart he knows that, and he took it very bad. He was really into Nine Inch Nails, he was really into Ice-T, and I think he really wanted to show the world that Guns N’ Roses had all that kind ofstuff in their locker — they weren’t just Motley Crue. Which, in manyways, is to be applauded.

But I don’t think the way to do it is to kill the band, throw the baby out with the bathwater, and completely try to build the whole thing from the ground up purely with your own vision. Because if it were down to Axl, there are a lot of Guns N’ Roses songs that would never have made the record. Similarly, if it was purely down to Slash, and you hear this on Velvet Revolver albums, there were songslike “Sweet Child of Mine” that if it hadn’t have been for Axl, would never have made the record. I think those guys — it’s a yin and yang. What made them so interesting was how they worked it out between themas a band. Izzy was very important, Duff with his punk thing, evenSteven with his not-terribly-good-drumming sometimes, was that L.A. kid who summed up their whole Hollywood era. To take that away and say I’m going to make Guns N’ Roses more interesting, more creative, just better, without any of the other guys, is just so wrongheaded. It’s starting out from completely the wrong place.

(…)

I had the only weekly rock show on TV and radio over here, and I was the only person playing “Welcome to the Jungle” on video and playing the album despite all the cuss words. Shortly after, I spent most of my time in LA, ’88, ’89, ’90, I became very close to them. And I witnessed a lot of things that to this day, I’ve never written about, never discussed, because they were private things. They were very personal things, troubled things, and I felt that I was a guy they could trust. They gave me a gold record for GNR Live because of all the help I’d given them.

The whole thing with Axl came from an interview. He called me late at night, demanded I go to his apartment. Vince Neil had been saying some stuff about him and he wanted to set the record straight. There’salways a vendetta going on somewhere with Axl. And I got there at like 1 am, and I left at like 5 am, and we did an extraordinarily long interview all about how he wanted to duke it out with Vince, and he was going to kill that motherfucker, and all the rest of it. A few weeks later, as I’m writing the story, I realize how heavy this looks, so I call him on the phone. I taped that conversation also, and I said to him, “let me read you this, because to me this sounds heavy, and I just want to make sure this is how you still feel, and you still want to do this.” I read it to him, he laughed, and then he said, “I stand by every single word, motherfucker, go ahead and print it.” So I did. And literally within a week or two of the story appearing, as far as he was concerned, I’d made the whole thing up. I was a dirty rotten limey journalist who can’t be trusted, and had lied about what went on, and misquoted him.

(…)

He’s still thinking about this, he’s still warning people off me, record company people — grown men in their 40s who to this day are nervous about speaking to me, because it will harm their relationship with Axl or possible future relationship with Axl. The whole thing is so, so nuts. But on the other hand, it’s a great story, and stories are what I deal in. If there was no story, there would be no fun to be had. So I thank him in many ways, because it is a great story. I just feel for him as a human, I really do. This isn’t like”Ozzy Osborne is crazy,” or “Alice Cooper, he’s crazy.” I don’t think it’s like that. I think the guy genuinely has personal issues, which, on a completely human level, I totally wish him really all the best with and hope that pain goes away for him one day.”

“With that being said, there is just something so infuriating about speaking to an idiot who doesn’t know that they are an idiot.[1] However, one of the few things in life that’s even more aggravating, is speaking to a smart person who thinks that they’re smarter than they really are.[2] These are the people that think intelligence is absolute, instead of the sliding gradient that it is. They equate anything above the average intellect to be something akin to genius, a pinnacle that they sit atop alone and unchallenged by the rest of the world. This is a theory that I’ve stumbled upon by virtue of Guns N Roses being my favorite band of all time. In honor (or chidingly) of frontman Axl Rose, patient zero, I give you Axl Rose Syndrome.

Obviously we all know at least four people in our lives who think that they’re smarter than they really are. More often than not however, this is either a ploy, or a sense of overcompensation for either not being cool enough in high school, or a lack of perceived recognition for being smart in the first place, so they have to remind everyone within shouting distance of just how smart they are. Axl Rose Syndrome is a case where someone sincerely and whole heartedly believes themselves to either be the smartest person in the world, or have the capacity and ability to become the smartest person in the world. What separates those with Axl Rose Syndrome from your typical spiteful and insecurely arrogant prick, is how the afflicted came to the conclusion of their intellect.

Axl Rose was born and raised in Lafayette Indiana, aka Fucksville U.S.A. To say that he grew up amongst the stupidest people in the western hemisphere is no stretch of the imagination. Contrary to popular belief, Axl Rose is not a stupid man; yes he does stupid things like imagine slights and release albums 15 years too late, but he is a smart guy. He’s no intellect, but he does possess an above average IQ. Depending on who you ask the average IQ is between 90-100; Axl’s is a purported 115. But the reason for much of Axl’s megalomania and self-deprecating sense of egotism comes from the fact that he grew up in the middle of nowhere surrounded by idiots at every turn.

Axl Rose Syndrome is the misguided notion that one is the smartest person in all of creation, concluded from their place of upbringing, typically being surrounded by lesser minds. People with the affliction may very well be one of the smarter people in their community, but they then use that small sample size as a general paradigm for the entire universe. They rationalize that since they are the smartest person in their limited environment they must therefore be the smartest person in existence. They extrapolate their misguided observations and then generalize it to apply to the world at large.[3] In short, Axl Rose Syndrome is the belief in one’s own intellectual superiority based on the environment in which they were raised, wherein they were surrounded almost exclusively by stupider people.”

[something-about-sunflowers]

Not tagging this with any of the fandoms or characters involved because this is honestly just a me problem but. I kind of hate the prevalence of the taking of canonically queer men/masc presenting characters and either feminizing them or making them women (trans or otherwise). Like I said this is entirely a me problem but it feels the same to me as being misgendered does, even if its characters that I don’t particularly connect with?

(read more cause this is a rambly mess and probably a controversial take)

Like for example in GO, I fully get and appreciate they’re genderless despite how they present but it fucks me up to see people making ‘ineffable wives’ stuff because it feels to me like people dismissing them choosing to present as masc (most often at least, I know Crowley has presented as femme) to say ‘I’d like you better if you were how I want you to be’ and, don’t get me wrong, I know that’s not what it really is but I can’t exactly help how I feel about it. I’m not going to go tell anybody they’re wrong or to stop doing it, just avoid it where I can.

Another example being transfem Ed. That one fucks me up for a lot of reasons, mostly being down to like. He really isn’t. Feminine? In the show? I know I know, how someone presents can be different from how they identify but, I’m fairly sure the headcanon came from how people perceive Ed presenting? The wearing of the robe and the shaving of the beard in particular. Also the. Wanting nice things? Folding socks? It just feels very. Yeah. Like none of that is inherently feminine.

I. Wonder if. Maybe. People see ‘this is a show that tackles toxic masculinity’ and think. Like. ‘The solution is to remove masculinity and replace it with femininity’? Like that’s what it feels like. I suppose it goes hand in hand with a lot of the fandom’s particularly shallow read on Ed? ‘Big uwu baby man, lets make him a woman cause he’s too soft to be a man’, kinda thing?

Don’t get me wrong I know for a lot of people it does just come from seeing themselves in Ed and wanting to express that, or people going ‘I just think its neat’, but I also am so positive there’s a non zero number with. I’ll call it ‘radfem motivations’.

And this purely comes from the ‘Ed is a woman’ thing, like. Gender-fuckery Ed is perfectly fine by me, let that man be GNC AF. But ‘Ed is a woman’, to me, feels a little 1. Misogynistic and 2. Honestly? Homophobic?

The ‘radfem motivations’ are why I’m also bothered a bit by ‘but what if they were all women?’ Again, I know a lot of it is people seeing themselves in the characters and wanting to connect with them better but god does it fuck me up to have this unique show with canonically queer men who are able to and encouraged to be who they are by the narrative, and see people saying ‘it’d be better if they were women’. Like queer men don’t deserve to have this story? This is not a 1:1 comparison but it feels the same to me as ‘show has canon gay male couple > homophobes complain about it a la “men can’t just be friends anymore?”‘

I’m honestly not sure whether to be surprised or not at how little pushback the idea of transmasc Izzy gets by the fandom at large with this idea of ‘but women better’ floating around but like. I also know that at least part of that is people wanting to demonize Izzy and not caring if transmascs get hurt in the crossfire. ‘He can stay a man cause men are evil but he can’t have a dick cause that’s gross so he can be a trans man because he’s evil’, kinda thing?

Anyway this is just a bunch of shitty rambly stream of consciousness shit so try not to take any offense from this (unless you’re one of the radfems, then be as offended as your vile little heart can manage and then fuck all the way off ❤ ✌). This is just coming from a bit of frustration I’m having being vaguely transmasc and enjoying/participating in these fandoms, again, its a me problem and I’m not trying to make anybody do anything different I just needed to rant a bit about how I’m perceiving things to get the ‘feels bad’ demons out of my head about it.

[some-anonymity-preferred]

Also, that person keeps using the term "riot queer" and then describing something completely different. Do you think Marsha or Stormé were also the kind to police other queers' behavior at the Stonewall Inn? Do you think they called for the raid? Do you think they liked the people who did?

I don't.

I also object to the characterization of everyone else as Love Wins Queers, versus Izzy's Riot Queer (or Old Guard Queer, or whatever that person is actually trying to argue, bless their heart).

It at least shows, though, that we agree that everyone besides Izzy is of some kind of piece, and Izzy is somehow different. I can work with that.

Everyone else is some combination of Riot Queer and Love Wins Queer.

Buttons: in love with the sea, talks with birds, speaks in riddles; a pretty competent pirate helmsman/first mate, yearns for human flesh, bites

Ed: big soft goofy goth theatre kid, musical, fancies a fine fabric; is, ya know, Blackbeard

Fang: even bigger, even softer, goofy goth; Blackbeard’s main heavy

Frenchie: weird witchy musical fic-writing twink, sews, is into interior design; will scam you and spill your darkest secrets, has knives in his feet like a cat

Ivan: is Fang’s literal shoulder to cry on; wastes nothing, especially not the gold teeth

Jim: loves Olu, mourns their birth family, has a complicated relationship with their mother figure, gives the rest of the crew more chances than Jim feels they deserve; is Jim

Lucius: our favorite bitchy femme gay polyamorous relationship counselor; will humiliate you to death, can also whack you uspside the head if needed

Oluwande: quiet, caring, most frequently in possession of the show’s one brain cell, loves Jim; loves Jim, will scam you, can bash heads, coldly dismisses Izzy’s plea not to let the crew throw him overboard

Pete: poor dim baby, thespian, loves Lucius; full of braggadocio and really into mutiny and the violence of pirating

Roach: doctor, proud chef, sews, juggles (maybe); knives are knives, meat’s meat, finds torturing prisoners relaxing, provokes nazis for the sake of punching nazis

Stede: soft goofy theatre kid who just tries so darn hard, loves Ed; ran away to be a pirate, is a master of posh passive aggression, and in his hands, the stun move is overkill

The Swede: voice like an angel, blushes, gets the zoomies and a glow-up; is a pirate, might marry Jackie (Honestly, The Swede is the closest we come to a pure Love Wins Queer.)

Wee John: makes dresses, into interior design, has a drag persona; lives to set things on fire

Izzy: repressed and repulsive; a skilled swordsman, an abusive middle manager, and a narc

One of these things is not like the others, as they say.

Izzy is neither Love Wins nor Riot, and he’s not really Old Guard, either. He’s repressed and dripping with toxic masculinity. That’s his character, it makes him an antagonist—and it makes him someone I want nowhere near any place that bills itself as a safe space.

It’s worth noting that everyone else largely directs their violence outward, away from the group. That’s what makes them Riot Queers. And regardless of where their violence is directed, it’s often in self defence/preservation (whether justified or not).

Izzy is the only one we see making a habit of violence against those around him, and it’s for the sake of enforcing his own idea of his authority. I’d also say he inflicts more intentional psychological damage than any other member of the crew. And, thinking back on my recent rematch of the series, I’m not sure I remember seeing Izzy physically assault anyone in authority outside the Revenge (I’m not sure of that, but it’s my impression at the moment; and I will watch for it when I sit my polycule down for one last rewatch before Oct 5). And he always has at least a civil mask on when speaking with them. (Lord help me I won’t bring race into this post.) So yeah.

One of these things is not like the others for sure.

[twenytwenytwo]

Dec 23 2022 (6:32pm)

Fell into a bitchfest with Izzy this evening. She had been calling me a lot. She wasn’t having a great day. I called her back after having been in a totally different gear. She thought I wasn’t interested, or paying attention (I wasn’t). She got upset for not asking her how she was. I got upset that she got upset. 2 hours later…

I was pretty pissed. I hate it when she acts like it’s my responsibility to ensure the conversation goes well. To ensure that I understand the undertones of what’s going on contextually, and understand how she feels, and acknowledge how she feels and make her feel like I care.

The sick truth is… when she’s in pain, and having a horrible day, I try not to care. What does that do? Make my day worse? How does that help? Is that a little cold? Sure. But is it that weird to be like that when your intentions with the person were to have a relationship, and you feel like your needs weren’t being met?

Basically, I fully care when there’s something in it for me. That is something that is hard to swallow. Izzy and I’s arguments seek to confirm that harsh truth in the open, which I don’t like. I want to be seen as a person who infinitely cares from a place of pure love, not from a transactional sort of place where, if I’m getting laid, I care. That’s not very desirable, but it is perfectly reasonable… if not standard.

I want to care about Izabel and her problems, fully, not just in an intellectual sort of way. But those issues are deep inside the cave and if I’m to get all the way in there, I need something. Those are her problems, I don’t want to make them mine if I’m not also satiating my needs in the process. I only have so much to give, without becoming a monk who’s devoted to others. Or something, I dunno.

But yeah, it really pisses me off, it really makes me mad when the conversation goes in the direction of “I don’t care” because I want to care. Fully. But the reality is that I’m not getting a fair trade.

The actual problem is that I’m not getting a fair trade (in the most plain way), BUT I’m sticking around emotionally. I’m continue to care, give her some of my time because I can’t stand to fully let go, or to fully commit. I don’t want to commit to what this is! Or what is was! It was not fun, I was not getting laid, I wasn’t exploring life and myself with someone. It was stale! Argumentative! No sex! Who would want to?!

Anyway, yeah, I stick around. It’s my fault that I remain in a situation, a conversation that I know, or SHOULD know is not going to get my patience. That’s on me, I made that choice. I could have diffused it and moved on with my day but I chose not to. I was in control. I want Izzy to make the conclusion I want her to make, and to fully and completely liberate me from my sense of guilt; guilt from “not caring”, guilt from feeling like someone who ignores his girlfriend, who doesn’t fully support her unless he’s getting some, etc.

I am that person though, but I should have known that, and I should have moved on a long time ago, to an environment that didn’t equate to me being distant, half hearted, aloof…

I shouldn’t feel bad for being that way, but I should feel maaaybe a little bad for avoiding a break up and doing this instead… or something.

I care what Izzy thinks, so much. But only partly funny enough. I care about the conclusions she makes about me. Conclusions. Situations where she could, or would, tell someone how I acted and have seem pretty clear that I was not being great. I want to feel like a good person, and I want her to think that, and feel like I’m just a great guy who’s always helpful.

Imagine her telling somebody how aloof, distant, unhelpful I can be sometimes. How I so absorbed in my projects and yadda. They’d likely conclude that I didn’t care and was a lazy, self absorbed dick, who just wanted everything to think he was a super cool rockstar. Now imagine telling that perhaps that our sex life was really not in a great place. Now imagine that person saying “well break up if it’s not good enough for you!”. I go “fair enough”.

We were in a relationship, but effectively broken up in some ways. The ways that were complex, sex, emotions, we were not together. The easy stuff, hanging out, being goopy, we were together. That created an unharmonious environment, obviously. The mistake was letting it remain like that for so long. Either fix it or move on.

To be fair and realistic, that’s obviously rarely how things happen, especially when you’re not that experienced, or disciplined. I tried to be patient. I thought I was doing the good thing and sticking it out. My patience, my motivation, wore out, but still I stayed and that’s when things got more nasty on my part. I got moody, mean… I didn’t want to break up. We’d been together for so long.

I guess it’d be useful to accept that somewhere inside, I’m pissed of that I was with somebody for so long and had so much strife. So much time, so little fun.

I also likely need to accept that I’m not going to get the validation that I want and, as a consequence, need from Izzy. Her and I think, talk, experience things too differently to expect her to regularly speak the magic words.

Thing is I DO expect it for some reason. That why I get so mad, because I expect things to go well, or more precisely, my exact way. I want Izzy to make the conclusion that I like, the one that makes me feel the best, makes me feel like a caring, selfless person.

***I also need to accept that I just need to relax. During the come up of the arguments, I could take my foot off the gas, and coast peacefully. I could. I fucking could! I want her to though! I want her to take her foot off the gas first, so that I don’t need to do it for her!!! Why do I always need to remind her!!! Maybe because sometimes, she just forgets, she just isn’t thinking about that, she’s busy with her feelings. She doesn’t mean harm, and by the time we get arguing, she’s defending herself because she never for one second set out to cause problems.

I guess I felt like there was a lot being asked of me. Too much for me to remain in a state where it was easy and fun to be the person that she needed me to be. I didn’t want to accept that maybe it was too much for me, her problems and the ramifications of them. I want to treat her like a normal person, who didn’t have issues, because that’s what she wanted to be, right? She wasn’t though. Cue dissonance.

I have needs that whether I consciously admit it or not, I hold above all other things, including others. Or something to that effect, that sounds a little hardcore. If my needs are met, I happy to cooperate, otherwise, my attention drifts elsewhere because I want colour and passion and fun and life and meaning and lush trees and adventure and success and art and… you get it. I’m a dreamer. I don’t like harsh reality.