#I’ve been trying to go all summer but I had like 3 surgeries

[whats-9plus10]

We were told the casket was a prop for the local Boy Scout’s play but it looked Creep sized to me

[myaswriting]

oh baby !

dad!trevor zegras x black!fem!reader

friends to lovers to parents

warnings: swearing, kissing, baby, talk of birth, pregnancy, young pregnancy. young parents, traditional parents (of reader), references to smut no actual smut

author’s note: hello everyone. i’m so sorry i’ve been so inactive i had emergency surgery last week so i’ve been dealing with recovery as well as the days leading up to it i was very sick. but!! here is some dad trevor to brighten the day!! i hope you guys enjoy.

trevor was always a goofball. he never took anything serious. this became a problem as he got older. he knew when he was very talkative and liked to crack jokes. he was amazing at it after all. he knew he could get out of anything by simply just, talking or telling a few one liners to save the day.

you not so much. you were dramatic, sue me. you worried about everything. it was in your nature. trevor was never careful. he was never aware of how serious things can get. you solved problems with reason and strategy. you never had a reason to not stress.

trevor was your best friend. the only man you’ll ever let that close to you. you were childhood friends who did everything together. of course you had your girl friends that you loved dearly, but trevor was your soulmate.

september 2019 - Boston University

you loved rainy days. you would spend all day watching movies or even reading. rainy days made you feel zen, at peace.

today was not one of those days.

you sat on the cold tile floor, makeup smeared, and tears lining the brim of your eyes. you couldn’t breathe. this couldn’t be happening.

it was one time. one fucking time.

you shakily lift the third pregnancy test you’ve taken today.

= pregnant

“fuck, this can’t be real,” you sob holding the stick close to you. you shake breathing in trying to hold your sobs in.

it was nearly twelve in the morning and you had class early. you really hope you don’t wake up your roommate but you really can’t stop sobbing. you have only been here for 3 weeks and you already fucked up. you parents were going to kill you. there was no doubt about it. the worst part of this all was the fact that you had to tell trevor.

oh trevor…

you slowly stand up from the floor and set the stick down. you open the bathroom door to see your roommate kayla staring ar you with worry in her tired eyes.

“hey babe what’s going on,” she quietly asks with a hoarse voice from sleeping.

you sniffle before hugging her. “i’m pregnant,” you sob breaking down once again. she gasps and pulls you back.

“y/n, what?” she looks up with wide eyes. you bite your lip nervously handing her the pregnancy test. she looks down at it and sucks in a breath. “it’s trevor’s?” she questions.

you had told her about your little sex adventures with your hometown best friend, not even thinking about the consequences of having raw sex. raw sex with your best friend. raw sex with someone you’re going to lose… your heart breaks at the idea of telling trevor. you don’t even want to tell anyone. you felt trapped and scared.

“he’s.going. to hate me,” you sob in broken sentences. the pounding in your head gets louder the more you cry.

kayla grabs your hands and holds them tightly. she looks into your eyes and tells you a story about her mom. you knew from over the summer and talking to her that her mother was 17 when she had her first child. things weren’t easy but she did it.

“you are so strong, trevor is a good guy,” she smiles softly holding your jaw lovingly. “he’s still your best friend, just talk to him,”

little did she know that the friend ship sailed away months ago after you started hooking up.

—

y/n

can we meet for lunch?

trev <3

yeah ofc meet me at frankie’s?

y/n

yeah 11:45 don’t be late

trev <;3

yes ma’am 🫡

—

you chew your nails waiting for trevor at the cafe near campus. you look out the window and see trevor walking towards the building. he was dressed in sweats and a hoodie. god he looked so good.

trevor makes his way inside and looks for you. he smiles when he sees you sitting there. you try to cover up the fact that you’re nervous as fuck. he makes it to the table and sits down across from you smiling.

“hey cutie,” he says fixing his beanie.

“hi,” you say quickly avoiding eye contact with him.

he frowns looking at you with confusion. you were never this quiet. sure you were not as loud as trevor. no one was. but you were chatty around people who made you happy. this was odd. this wasn’t you.

“y/n what’s wrong,” he frowns deeper heart beating out of his chest. were you mad at him? was he in trouble?

you sigh feeling the tears starting to well in your eyes. you shakily breathe in and out before looking him in the eyes. “i’m going to tell you something z, you have to promise you won’t get mad,” you say holding back tears.

“yeah, yeah. of course. what’s going on?”

trevor feels sick. what could she possibly have to say. the first thing he thinks of is that you have a boyfriend and you have to stop fucking. that thought quickly brought a sour taste to his mouth. he felt a huge tang of jealousy hit his chest. no other man should have their hands on you. you were his.

you slowly lift up your purse pulling out the three tests setting them on the table. he sucks in a breath, eyes wide looking at the blue and white device on the table.

“are these…” he whispers lifting one up to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. you bite the inside of your cheek nervous.

“yeah, they’re m-mine,” you whisper holding back sobs.

he feels his heart swell up with something. happiness? pride? love? he couldn’t pin point it. this was news that he never thought he’d hear, but he wasn’t one bit mad about it.

“please say something,”

“baby this.. this is crazy,” he smiles looking at you.

“what..?” you breathe a shaky teary laugh.

trevor gets up and moves into the booth with you. he grabs you and pulls you into him kissing your head a million times.

“we can do this. no, we will do this.”

april 2020

you make your way through the halls of yours and trevor’s shared apartment. waddling your way through the days. as covid 19 was taking the world by storm you and trevor have had nothing but one on one time. talking, singing, rapping, reading, you name it. anything to your belly. after 3 months into your pregnancy trevor took you out on a real date and asked you to be his official girlfriend.

your parents were not thrilled with the news. they called you all kinds of names and made you feel extremely small and stupid. they told you that if you dropped out of school they’d disown you. they even went on to say that they don’t know if they can be in your life if you choose to keep the baby and not give it up for adoption. you have cried and cried about your parents not being excepting. you worried day and night about them. heart broken at the fact they didn’t want anything to do with you.

julie and gary have been nothing but loving and supportive. they were scared at first. worried how this would affect trevor’s future. but after getting drafted they no longer worried. they knew their son could take care of you. he was a good man, he takes care of his siblings in ways that made you feel safe knowing he was going to be the father of your child.

your pregnancy was fairly easy you had little trouble. you dealt with little morning sickness and even went to the gym with trevor as often as you could.

july 21, 2020, dylan mae zegras arrives.

8lbs 3oz, 23 inches long. a perfect baby girl. she came quick and dramaticly.

you were watching tv in the living room waiting for trevor to get home. you were slowly packing things up for the big move to anaheim. you felt wettness pool in your pants. you groan thinking it was probably sweat from being 9 months pregnant and sitting with a heated blanket. you stand up slowly feeling a contraction hit you like a truck.

“no, no, no,” you cry holding your belly. “this can’t be happening,” you cry out walking towards the kitchen. you unlock your phone and call trevor. he was at weight training and wouldn’t be home for another hour.

“hello,” you hear him on the other line. just as you were about to speak another contraction hits, harder. “baby are you okay?”

you whimper out a “it’s happening,”

[anyshapebutsquare]

We’re in WV for 2 weeks to climb. I kind of wish I went skiing by myself because my shoulder is bothering me. I did a kettlebell workout a week before we came and my shoulder hurt a lot after that. I rested a week and it still doesn’t feel right. I’m starting to worry that I tore something again (I had surgery 4ish years ago on it). I’ve even been going to PT for about a month but I’m not really feeling like what the guy is doing is helping me. All winter I didn’t climb much because I was depressed and unmotivated, which happens pretty much every winter. I’m trying to remind myself that last year I was at smith rock in April, after not climbing all winter, scared top roping 5.9, then I came home and trained all summer and had my best season yet in the fall. So that can happen again this year. I guess I’m just disappointed in myself for not being naturally good at this. It’s never been something that came naturally to me so I don’t know why I expected myself to be able to do well without practicing for the last 3 months.

[keikigoodbetter]

....howdy, everyone! Looooong time no see 😅😅

I’m sitting in my room right now, waiting as a friend drives over to spend the last few hours of 2022 with me, and I thought I’d try to put down a few of my thoughts as I reflect on the year. It’s been a while since I checked in for real with y’all and for that I am very sorry. (fwiw I dropped contact with quite a few folks irl too, so it wasn’t just you lol)

2022 repeatedly hit my blindside and hit it HARD. I spent a lot of the year in reaction-mode as surprises both good and bad kept coming at me fast; this year had some of the worst lows of my life, but also some of the best highs. It was overwhelming, to say the least.

At the risk of being too personal, here’s an overview of some of My Notable 2022 Moments:

Start the year about 8 months into a really good headspace, to the point where my psychiatrist agrees that if I’m still A-ok by springtime then I can likely step off my antidepressants!!

Help move my Grandma out of her home and into a memory care facility

Have surgery

May 7: Go dancing with friends I haven’t seen in years, to celebrate being alive and together and that I’ve finally finished my degree

May 10: Find out my parents have filed for divorce and will be selling my childhood home, that our family build by hand, by the end of the summer

May 14: GRADUATE COLLEGE!

May 15: One of my best friends goes in for surgery because her pain-management implant is no longer functional. There are complications and she needs 3 more surgeries before the month is over

Return to martial arts after years away

Help babysit the very sweet toddler-age child of someone I went to gradeschool with. (Have an existential breakdown about how old I suddenly am and how unlikely it is at this point that I’ll get to be a mom)

All summer: help clear out my Grandma’s things from her house, move my dad’s things to his new house, move the rest of our family’s things to my mom’s new house, and do repairs and cleaning at our old house

Have to start reminding myself again to get out of bed and eat and not walk into traffic

A best friend flies in from out-of-state to go with me to a disco night

See the Colorado Avalanche Stanley Cup Championship Parade!

Make a great costume and go to the Renaissance Festival in drag

Officially move out of our house; August and September are time soup

A friend from college that I’ve dearly missed moves back to Colorado

SEE MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE LIVE

My brother gets injured

Our house sells

TWO of my job applications that I was really excited for pan out and I’m asked to interview for both of them. The one I like better calls and offers me the position within 3 days! I’m going to start part-time at the local library in January!!! 😭😆

I spend an amazing afternoon with a friend on a maybe-a-date... 👀

I see many friends and family and have a wonderful holiday season

  ....Realize I might feel ok again soon

 (and, as usual, I also saw a lot of great concerts this year!)

....WHEW. Like I said, it was A Lot All The Time. Sorry to overshare 😅  but I just - idk - I feel like I need to write it down somewhere so there’s a record of all the shit that I experienced in the last 12 months. And I feel like some of you are my legit friends and might care about some of these developments? lol idk 😅 sorry if that’s presumptuous.

Anyways, all this to say that I know I’m not particularly an outlier and that most people have crazy things happen all the time. That’s life! But I hope that if you had a rough year (like me), that things turn around for you soon (also like me?). There is always the promise of something wonderful happening just as much as there is the risk of something terrible; and I think growing up is learning to balance the threat of those two extremes without falling down for too long when a new circumstance hits you.

I grew so much in the last year and for the first time in a long time I’m actually excited about what the future might look like for me! 2023 will be hard and full of new challenges, but I think I’ll be ok. And I think you all will be, too.

💖💖💖

All of my love, forever and ever,

C.

[diamondintherioux]

4/23/24

7 weeks post op

Lucky number 7! Time is absolutely flying. I missed my 6 week update but essentially I no longer had to wear that long compression garment. And thank god for that because wearing it for 6 weeks absolutely wrecked the skin on my legs. I have severe strawberry legs. It’s so ugly 😩 I’ve been exfoliating and putting on lotion everyday.

The next day I put on my Tributo faja with the extender. Today (week 7) marks 6 days in this faja.

Pros:

It snatches you up

It’s relatively comfortable

Cons:

It’s hard to put on

It leaves creases on your stomach and sides of you don’t wear an ab board

It rides up the crease of your inner thigh leaving irritation like rug burn which is extremely painful. I still don’t know what the solution for that would be. I put a pad there but it slides over. I get it that it’s supposed to compress but this is a little overboard.

Overall it’s okay. I contacted my surgeon’s staff and they said I should still wear a compression garment for at least 8 hours a day for 3/6 months. So essentially they are no help. We really are on our own after surgery. No aftercare is one size fits all.

I going to wear my faja 23/7 for 3 maybe 4 months depending on how hot summer is going to be then I’ll do 12 on 12 off.

Tonight though I decided not to sleep in a faja or compression girdle. Let’s see if I swell up. Tomorrow im going to break in my bra-less faja. I’m thinking of switching every week from my built in bra to my bra less. It’s important to not fall in love with your faja body. It’s unrealistic to wear a faja for the rest of your life. In the future I think wearing a faja when youre going out is fine. In 6 - 8 months I’m gonna buy a strapless faja to wear under tight dresses.

I’m still going to physical therapy for my cording. Unfortunately it’s still there but at least I have a good portion of my mobility back. I’ve been very lazy in terms of working out. In may I’ll go back to doing Pilates. I’m going to take golf lessons. And I’ll also try to squeeze in some weight training. I have to lol gotta keep the results nice and tight.

I have 3 more sessions with my lymphatic drainage massage specialist. She has been late every single session. Every. Single. Time. No matter what time of day, she’s late. I’ve been very accommodating but it bothers the hell out of me. Even though the location is very close to me, I won’t rebook. Luckily I found another girl but it doesn’t seem like she does packages, maybe I can convince her. I’ll do another 10 sessions with the new girl and then I’ll be done. I want to do them on myself.

I’ll update tomorrow to share what sleeping without a faja was like.

[flawedconqueror]

This is getting to my nerves

Pun intended.

For the past 3 or so years, I’ve had limited success trying to address my nerve issues. I’m not sure if it’s due to over exercising, wig wearing, nutritional deficiencies or more. But I’ve been dealing with what feels like a MS hug - finally a term to describe the hell I’ve been feeling. It feels at times there is a girdle or tension around my torso area. I also feel prolonged clamp tension around my head which friggin’ sucks. I’ve stopped wearing wigs due to this.

 How I was able to drive and work and function all this time is beyond me. I also deal with feeling off balance, disoriented and confused at times. This can be triggered by wearing a hat, a bonnet, scalp massages. I’m trying to get to the bottom of this. Around Spring/Summer 2022 I first went to the doctor  at my surgery who then had me referred me to a neurologist with an appointment for 2023 January. The thought of having to deal with prolonged chronic pain and discomfort for several months is beyond me. I’m not sure why it was acceptable for me to tolerate pain. I feel pin and pricks feelings, numbness in different parts of my body. As someone who is a keen exerciser I am limited to what I can do and I miss going to the gym. I wasn’t content waiting until 2023 January so I went to one of the supposedly top private neurologists (chucking a few hundred pounds in the process) who not only was late to my appointment but seemingly dismissed my very valid claims of pain. This is why people are so disillusioned with the medical system you have to go through hoops and so forth, and a convoluted, long-winded bureaucratic process to get essential help. Again, I went to my general surgery where the head doctor commissioned a blood test. Based on that further action would be required. The blood tests did indicate I had high B12 levels but nothing concrete to provide answers to my nerve pain, so I requested another appointment with the doctor who requested a blood test for next steps. Rather than dealing with the root issue they’re dealing with my blood which isn’t what I came for. Instead the blood doctor told me that the doctor who requested the blood test felt  she didn’t need to meet me, that since I have a neurologist appointment in January I should just wait until then. So I had to be really pushy with the blood doctor to go see him tomorrow, I want an MRI to confirm I don’t have lesions on spine or brain. Why is this normal to have to wait months. What if it is MS - God forbid - but if it is these are critical months where action could be taken, before God forbid irreversible damage. People with cancer have a better chance of survival if it is addressed earlier. I’m telling you doctors need to wake up. This lack of urgency is exactly why the NHS is in shambles: indifference. apathy, malaise.

[iwannaban0nym0us]

ok so this afternoon’s been a shitshow so this is probably gonna be a really long and emotional vent post

ok, before i get into everything from today i need to do a bit of a recap of the last like 3 weeks. So lately there has been a lot of school work to stay on top of, which i’ve managed but it took like all of my energy so i put most of my focus into that, actually before i go any further into that we need to back up to like last spring

so last spring there was something going on with a friend of mine and my grayfriend’s, and my grayfriend is closer to this person so them a bunch of mutual friends and my metamour (my grayfriend’s other partner who i’m just friends with) were all in on this thing (which i still don’t know what is btw) and so for like at least a week i put up with being surrounded by whispers about something i wasn’t allowed to know anything about at some point i snapped and (kindly) asked my partner for some space so that i wouldn’t be surrounded by all that anymore, they didn’t react very well to this and their response was basically ‘ok, but what about me needing you to support me while i process our friend’s shit’ so yeah that's when all our problems started to surface

so maybe a day after that conversation they got covid, so i didn’t see them, and because they had covid they didn’t go on the school trip the following week, then the next 2 weeks were musical tech week (which takes like all of their energy and mental space) + my metamour was dealing with some shit that they were helping with, after all of that was over it was summer break and our schedules did not line up at all so we basically didn’t see each other dueing that

now at the start of the school year it’s been like 3 months since this issue and we have not talked about it so we go into this school year basically pretending nothing happened and kinda trying to resume our relationship where we paused it

from then until the past 3 weeks there wasn’t really anything big just a couple of little instances of them just not understanding me and how i feel about my transitions or how soccer affects my life

alright now back to the past 3 weeks, one of the big school things that kept me very focused on school is this bio lab, and ofc my grayfriend is in my bio class and they don’t really have any friends in the class (while I do) and so ofc they kinda pressure me into being their partner for the lab ( i mean i agreed fairly quickly but still) we’ll come back to this later.

anyway lately my grayfriend has had a lot going on, there was this online bullying incident between them and another kid at our school that happened at the end of last year and still hasn’t gotten resolved (i feel like there’s another piece of bad news about this every week), their dog’s health just keeps deteriorating and there's often something going on with my metamour and on top of all of that their grandfather is dying, basically he needs a surgery that could kill him or he will die, and with all of the (especially the grandfather thing) i just can’t add on

now the past couple of weeks all the little things and everything from last year have been bothering me so i’ve been semi-intentionally distancing myself from them, partly because i need space and partly because their reaction to being overwhelmed is needing to have as little stimulation as possible and mine is needing to be surrounded by my very loud and energetic friends so that their energy rubs off on me

now my friends keep telling me i need to talk to my grayfriend and honestly i agree that we need to sit down and have a serious conversation about how to fix our relationship, but i didn’t start to realize that until the bio lab started. here is where the bio partnership starts to become a problem for the whole lab (which we turned in today) i haven’t been able to tell them any of this shit because school comes first and i knew that if i fucked up our relationship during this lab it would also fuck up how we worked together, we ended up working perfectly well together on the lab but in exchange for that i boxed up all my feelings and set them nicely to the side and tried to ignore them as they struggled to get out of the box

originally my plan was to tell them everything either today or next week but that plan went out the window now that they’re dealing with their grandfather being on the brink of death because i just can’t add onto that that’s hard enough as is

so today everything kinda hit, the morning was chill normal whatever, but once i hit lunch things started to fall apart, at lunch once i finished eating i put my headphones in turned on some music and sat down to do a last read over of our bio lap report because they weren’t able to finish their part until late last night and i was tired as fuck and wasn’t gonna stay up to read it. i was starting to feel kinda out of it then so i decided to keep my headphones in and my music playing (which i almost never do at school) and see if that helped to keep me centered. I manged to make it through the rest of the afternoon by passing off my falling apart as being really tired (i kinda believed it myself honestly) thinking back on it now the worst part of those afternoon classes was the fact that i had my headphones in (which i never do) and was acting kinda out of it and kinda out of character during bio and my grayfriend either had no fucking clue or didn’t give a shit, i really fucking hope it was the former.

After school i went to a club with some of friends and that was chill but i had to leave a bit early to go to tutoring which was fine, we pretty much just ran over feedback on a couple of assignments that i turned in recently

after that i went to find my friends to hang out with for a bit and i found 2 of my friends, one i’m close with and who knows about all of this shit, and one who’s just a random friend, they were sitting on the floor eating cheese and bread. my close friend told me to sit down and join them, so i did. we pretty quickly started to talk about the shit with my grayfriend and i filled them in on the fact that lab partners will be assigned by the teacher for the next lab and that we can submit people we do/don’t want to work with, then we talked more about that shit while be interrupted ever so often by our other friend being comic relief and doing funny shit (unintentionally). at some point during this conversation one of my best friends, who also happens to be my grayfriend’s ex and is very informed on all the shit going on, came over and joined us and we filled them in on the conversation so far. eventually the conversation got back around to bio lab partners and i remembered that i should fill out the thing about that, but then i decided that it would be easier just to have an irl conversation with my bio teacher. so ofc i ran up to the third floor to see if she was at her desk, ofc she wasn’t, so i went back to my friends to chill with them until coffee house started

so for context coffee house is this thing my school host in the courtyard twice a year that’s like a chill night of music and poems and it’s really calm and mellow and a couple of my friends preformed in it and another friend read a poem during it

as it was getting close to the start time we went out into the courtyard to get some seats and some snacks and in the back of the snack line i find none other than my bio teacher, so i pull her aside and ask her to please not pair me up with my grayfriend and to please not tell them i said that she reassures me that she won’t and that that wasn’t gonna be an option anyway since shes not going to keep any of the pairs from the last lab, which is a huge relief because it means bio won’t be my excuse/road block from talking with them anymore and i won’t have to make the decision of if i should prioritize our relationship or a bio lab.

so we sit down for the music and it’s great and all at first, but at this point i’m already barely holding it together, and i’ve already hit the point where my (very strong and constantly held) facade has broken down enough that my friends can easily visually tell something is up, the reason my facade breaks at this point is because up until this point i was using school as a coping mechanism because it gives me something to focus on and i always have the next assignment to plan out the next thing to work though in my head the thing to keep my wheels turning in a productive way, but starting tomorrow i have a 6 day weekend (including sat & sun) so i have plenty of time for my hw so that constant process of planing ahead just kinda shut down

now the music is great and i’m enjoying it and the preformers are great and it’s all going well until we hit about the fourth love song in a row and at this point i start to break, my brain is turning on the shit between me and grayfriend and i can’t get it to shut-up at some point i (a person who does not cry around people) start to cry and i just cant stop it so i just put my head down and hope the people who i don’t know as well don’t notice what’s going on. after the end of that song i consider going inside but then i see my friends stepping onto the stage so i wipe my eyes and pretend everything is fine

i make it through another 4-5 love songs before the feeling comes back again and that time i’m fucking done and i get up and go inside through a side door once i’m inside i pretty quickly wipe aside the tears and regain some semblance of composure so i wander down the hallway and see that the door to the shop is open and it sounds like someone is in there, so i peak my head in and find that the shop manager is in there machining something and since i need a distraction and i’m a shop kid and i know him pretty well i ask him what he’s up to and, as one does, he tells me that his friend who’s a laser physicist needs some super parallel things so he’s making them for him. we talk a little more after that about the performances and then i wander off and end up going back outside pretty quickly.

after that i manage to make it till the intermission when i get a chance to talk to my friends again. i’m barely holding it together at this point so i fairly quickly agree that setting up a meeting with the school counselor (who my best friend knows well) is a good idea. so we go to look for the counselor and my best friend drags me up to her and she tells me that she’s not working rn and that i should send her an email to set up a meeting for next week. so we head back inside. i barely have time to open my laptop before i see my friend get up stage and hear them start a poem so we rush back outside and sit back down.

I am able to make it through almost half of this half of the performances before i start to shut to shut down again and i feel the tears start to come and i just cant stop them so i tap my close friend on the leg and i rush inside again. and i just like collapse against the wall and let the tears come

at this point i’m having a full on fucking break down all the thoughts, like do i want to break up with them, when was the last time we kissed, why do i care about them so much, they all just fucking go out the window and my brain goes empty no thoughts just tears.

not to much later my close friend comes in joins me and there just kinda there for me and let me cry and talk me through shit a little, at some point i recover enough and we walk over to my laptop and sit down and actually write the email to the counselor (which i had forgotten about at this point) so hopefully thurs/fri next week i will be able to meet with her

after a bit they realize they’re thirsty but don’t want to go back outside to get their waterbottle and at this point i’m doing ok enough that i offer to go out and get it for them, so while i’m doing that i say hi to my best friend and quickly whisper to them that i’m not staying outside and that had a break down and then i go back inside

then me and my close friend wander over to a quieter place and continue our conversation until a bit later my best friend joins us and they ask our mutual close friend to tell them how i’m actually doing. and after that they suggest that i should make playlist for when i feel like this and mention that they already have one for this exact situation that’s on their spotifiy so then we go trade spotifies and we talk a bit more about how i’m doing and both of my friends tell me that they will actually respond if i text them (they’re both bad at responding to messages) and then i have to leave and go home

so yeah, rn it’s after midnight and i’m sitting on my bed in the dark wishing i could cry again and listening to my best friend’s playlist from when they were going through their awful break up with my grayfriend and it’s so painfully funny how they’re helping me through almost same thing they went through like 2 years ago

[dudewayspecialfarewell]

My menthal health day contribute

The 10th of October was mental health day. I went to Erasmus immediately after my second spinal surgery. Because they opened me, I had various nerves and muscles damaged, including the left harm I couldn't move and harm, and I felt powerless as a man who could barely walk. I had done 2\3 of three exams and canceled all three because I couldn't be present during the tests since I was in the operating room. So I went to Prague also to do two exams sessions in a row and recover, so one exam a month. I felt threatened by the hardness of the task; my girlfriend just broke up with me, abandoning me and all my possessions during my birthday.

My life was trying me again. I've been through this before because that was my second surgery. The only difference this time was that I was older and had more duties. And I was feeling powerless. Near the dorm where I was, there was this lovely neighborhood, and this place was a "typical family restaurant."

The place wasn't like that the first time I went there. It was February, and the snow was up to my knee. I was walking alone in the night, happy to hear the crack of my boots in the snow and avoiding the ice as much as possible.

Even if the cold was terrible for my nervous system, which tended to make my fingers insensible, I loved the idea of going out with my coat during snowstorms and talking to myself and all the people in my life.

I was scared, desperate, and I was raging. Inside me, I know now there was this inner desire to face to face without a hand whatever challenges there were for me right at the corner. And, possibly, I want to face it with a quick win or die fast.

I blamed many people for being in this situation, but in the end, as imperfect people are, I was the only one who could save me.

I remember going to that place, staying at the porc between walls of snow, and screaming against people who weren't there, which contributed to my miserable situation.

The tables were full of snow and only under the porch was there enought space to sit and put some tobacco in my pipe.

It seemed to me impossible that there were people there. It seemed like benches and tables were left there from a summer celebration. Everything was full of snow and cold, and I thought this place was closed until the snow didn't melt.

One day a guy came out of a door downstairs. I've been on that porch for about two weeks, almost every night, and they have observed me screaming from the service cameras.

He bought me a beer. We started speaking. Eventually, we became friends, and I moved to this place more frequently. Of course, this didn't help with my mental problems, and screaming at absent people didn't stop until I didn't get treated for that, BUT.

Love and compassion for a second make me feel better. No matter how hard the treatment we face is, we should remember that we are human and function as humans.

We find it hard to get into a path if, first, we don't take love and acceptance for the thing we are doing. These men who saw me screaming from the camera must have understood the methal pain I was in, and most likely, they must have gotten the hurt I had from my incapability to move and harm.

He made me feel like it was okay to screw up for a bit in life, and suddenly I found it easier to think that as I was back in Italy, I had to look for a specialist to get some help.

Realize this thought without feeling guilty. That is the key to that.

[hollandorks]

ohhh those vacations all sound so lovely! and WHEW the whole family?? those vacations are always so chaotic, so i’m hoping it was still wonderful! same with the family reunion, overwhelming but i’m still hoping you had a great time!! and 12 YEARS????!! i could be wrong, but i feel like i remember you saying the proposal in motn was inspired by your own proposal.

your annual trip with your mom, aunt, and grandparents sounds so special. is it the same spot every year or do you switch it up? do u guys have traditions you try to adhere to while on the vacation? and are you an only child?? i’ve got 4 brothers and no sisters so finding out people are only children always throws me off HAHAH

and yessss okay i do remember the office!! and how your mom is like everyone’s mom in the office. and what’s the specialty medication thing like? i’ve always felt like admin work like that seemed difficult (especially with all the insurance information) but i’m sure it gets repetitive and you end up remembering it all. those programs seem so daunting to me 😭😭

and i really am looking forward to reading it. i have weird commitment issues with starting a form of media so 16+ chapters of in depth fic seems so scary right now LOL but i know it’s gonna be so worth it when i put my big girl pants on and finally do read it! i thought about it a lot over the summer especially.

and nooo not the wisdom teeth! i got mine out last fall. i only had them on the bottom, so i didn’t get the whooooole thing, but i missed a lab practicum for one of my classes and i emailed my prof a photo of me post surgery as proof that i couldn’t make it because i forgot to get a doctor’s note 😭 it really wasn’t that bad! all i remember was saying how sleepy i felt and they said i could take a nap, and then i woke up LOL

the pain & aftercare was also manageable. get warm packs for your face!! they were LIFESAVING!! i used a cloth headband (the ones that are a full loop) to keep the packs against my cheeks and it was always such a relief (and then you look funny.) wishing you the best with your procedure! (i also had leftover codeine pills for pain and one time i accidentally took codeine instead of my sleeping pill the night before a big exam. fun little college things.)

Yeah me and my husband are high school sweethearts!! Which sounds so odd to me still but we've been together since we were 14! And yes the proposal was inspired by my own just because it feels very Bruce!! We were hanging out and had had a good night just doing nothing etc and I jokingly said "will you marry me?" while he was cleaning some stuff and he said something like "really?" and I said yes, then he turned around with a ring?? I said "are you serious?!" probably 90 times 😂

3 vacations was fun but also exhausting tbh 😂 the first one with my husband's family was great but there was some weird family drama?? Which is so odd because they are not like that 😂 But it was fine. The family reunion was fun too! I have a brother but he lives in Alaska so I don't see him much but he came down for that week!!

We don't really have traditions for our yearly trip but we do go to the same island every year! Our family has been going to that area since my mom and her sisters were kids! So like....forever 😂

Anything dealing with insurance is dumb as fuck because American healthcare is a scam 😤 and they change stuff constantly to try and weasel out of having to pay for these medications! It's just a lot of paperwork, being on hold, and finding out the right phone number to call really.

Lol sending a picture of yourself post surgery I love it 😂 I'm honestly kind of anxious?? Not about the actual surgery but the recovery. I had my gallbladder removed in 2017 and the recovery was a terrible terrible time and I'm just thinking like....mouth pain is so much worse for some reason to me?? But whatever it has to be done! But then I can get my teeth straightened after that!

Definitely going to save that tip thanks!! How long did it take you before you could eat normally again? Also fhalkdjfkakjdg not accidentally taking the codeine!!! Yikes!

[harryhandstan]

HI HI HI :D IVE MISSED YOU!!!

i took a break from this app, thats why i was gone for a while! i feel sooo much better cause it’s summer and i dont have to stress about school!!!

so many things happened these past few months like i got tickets to see harry!!! and i FINALLY got my drivers license. i failed the first test but its whatever. i also got a job at a fast food place and it is difficult 😣 but my coworkers and managers are super friendly!!! im also moving out my old place and moving in to a newer and nicer home! which im super excited about cause it feels like a fresh start and i get to decorate it however i want!!

WAIT I FORGOT ABOUT HARRYS HOUSE!! what do u think about the album?? what are your top 3 songs? i think its one of my fave albums of all time and i literally listen to it everyday day

anywayyyy… how are you??? anything new and exciting going on?? i missed you sosososo much!!

-🧸

BESTIE OMG HI 👋🏻 that’s always okay bub!! you’ll always be welcomed back 💕 I’m glad you’re getting a break from school!

oh my goodness SO many exciting things I’m so proud!!! HARRY again what show?? take me with you pleaseeeee 😊 that’s wonderful that everyone at your new job are being so lovely to you it’s what you truly deserve 😁 and the new place that makes my heart so happy for you! good luck with all the decorating that sounds so fun!

I’m OBSESSED with Harry’s House it’s pretty much all I’ve listened to since it came out!! I love every single one so I don’t know that I could ever pick a top 3 but 3 faves are daylight, music for a sushi restaurant, and keep driving. I have to agree I think it’s amazing and I just know it’s gonna get me through so much like the other two albums have!

ahh I’m trying but I haven’t been doing that great 🫤 just a lot going on mentally and I need to find a job and a new living situation but I haven’t had much luck with either! my Nanna’s cancer came back too and she had to have surgery last week so I’ve been worried about her as well 😔 her recovery is going great though, much better than expected!

my birthday was last week and I had a really nice day despite everything going on! my birthday is normally a sad day for me now that I’m getting older, but everyone made me feel so special that day (including complete strangers) and I got so many lovely treats and felt so celebrated 🥹 then this week I’ve been on a lil staycation helping my little sister and her bestie house sit for someone so that’s been fun! I go back home later today I don’t want to 🙁 but it will be good to be home with my dogs and sleep in my own bed again!

I love and miss you so much it’s always wonderful to hear from you! I think of you sometimes and am always wishing you well ✨ thank you for checking in, you lift my spirits so much you don’t even know how much ❤️ please take care of yourself as best you can my love come back anytime!!

[rinkrats]

🥺 that mike lange story. But also those tags #sid loooves christmas #he loves giving presents #looks good in red #piles on the pounds fast #post hockey career as santa 😂😂👌🏽👌🏽

he loves his mementos and presents and is COMMITTED to them. scrapbooking. matching jackets. little pills with hidden motivational messages~*~ his love language is gifts and neck smooches and stalking geno. relevant right now are some anecdotes i sent a friend earlier this year for dorky sid gifts fic fodder:

1. Crosby's constant thoughtfulness would be impressive from anyone, much less someone of his stature.

"Sid always texts me happy birthday, he's always asking me like, how's Russia?" Evgeni Malkin said. "We talk and message all summer. He asks me how my skates are. He knows, like, everything. He follows my Instagram, I think (laughs)."

In addition to having a handle on those little details, Crosby is constantly providing those around him with memories and mementos. If the team is on the road and goes, say, sightseeing or to a sporting event and takes a group photo, Crosby will later send a framed copy to everyone.

When Ron Hextall and Brian Burke watched their first Penguins game in person, Crosby is the one who approached head equipment manager Dana Heinze and asked for two used game pucks to give to the new GM and president of hockey ops. 

After the Penguins won in 2009, Crosby had jackets made for the three players on the team who had scored a Cup-clinching goal in Game 7: Talbot (Pittsburgh), Ruslan Fedotenko (Tampa Bay) and Mike Rupp (New Jersey).

"They were blue jackets with gold buttons, and each one had a patch on it that said 'GWG Game 7,'" Talbot said. "At one of our first team meals the next season, he presented us with the jackets and did a big ceremony with the music and stuff. We had a private room in the restaurant. I still have the jacket."

-The Consummate Teammate, Captain and Ambassador, Feb 2021

2. Merz: My first interaction with Sid was when we were on the bench, guys were talking about a teammate, and the first thing this 15-year-old says is, “Hey, guys. Let’s keep everything positive. Don’t talk about your teammates that way.”

Salcido: When we were getting ready for nationals, he found these little pills that you could put a hidden message inside. They unscrewed, and inside was a tiny scroll. He gave one to every teammate. … He had everyone fill one out. He didn’t tell anyone what to write, but he made it known that we all knew what the goal was: winning nationals. So we wrote on our scrolls, rolled them up and put them in the pill thing. We kept them with us everywhere we went.

-‘Is this real?’: Stories of Sidney Crosby’s year at a Minnesota prep school, May 2020

3. On “Butterfly Boy” Jonathan Pitre:

Though the Senators are his team, Sidney Crosby has always been Jonny’s favourite player. After the TSN documentary airs, Tina gets a call from the Penguins. Sid needs Jonny’s measurements. He wants to have a suit made for him by his personal tailor, Domenico Vacca.

“It’s the kindest, sweetest gesture,” Tina says. “Sid heard that Jonny went to a lot of games, so he wants him to look like he’s one of the guys.”

“I want him to feel like a pro,” Crosby says. “Here’s a guy who is going through something so painful, and his first thought is always, ‘How can I help others?’ When I was young, I’d watch on TV the players coming to the rink in their suits. That was a cool part of being an NHL player. I want him to feel that, to make it as real as possible for him.”

Tina tries to discreetly measure Jonny while she’s changing his dressings. But he’s way too smart for that.

“Um, Mom, why are you measuring me? Am I going for surgery again?” he asks.

“No, no!” Tina replies, trying to reassure him and come up with a good lie, all in the same breath. “The doctor needs them just to make sure they have proper dressings next time you are in.”

A few weeks later, the sharp navy blue suit shows up at their front door, along with a couple of ties, an autographed stick and a handwritten letter from Sid. 

“His eyes just light up,” Tina says. “Jonny always liked to be well-dressed, and he just loves having his own suit. It fits perfectly. He looks so good in it.”

-Beauties by James Duthie (2020)

4. Pascal Dupuis inspired his Pittsburgh Penguins teammates on their run to the Stanley Cup, and Sidney Crosby found a special way of driving that message home.

Dupuis retired in December with lingering health concerns because of blood clots. Despite his NHL playing days coming to an end, the veteran forward remained an integral part of the Penguins and was in uniform to hoist the Cup after Pittsburgh's six-game win against the San Jose Sharks in the Stanley Cup Final.

On Sunday, Dupuis brought the Cup home one last time as a player to share a special day with his family, friends and hometown fans.

"Yes, it does feel bittersweet a little bit," Dupuis said. "You get the Cup, you want to celebrate. But at the same time I got a gift by the mail [Saturday]. Basically, it's a book of all the pictures of all the good stuff we went through. It came from Nova Scotia, so you guys can figure out who it came from (Crosby), but he couldn't give it to me during the season, he saw me skating a little bit.

"And he sent it [Saturday], before my day with the Cup, so he knew what he was doing to get me right here," Dupuis said, putting his fist over his heart.

-Pascal Dupuis shares Stanley Cup with family, friends, Aug 2016

5. In 2011, Crosby was out of the lineup with a concussion, and the Penguins made their annual visit to Children’s Hospital.

Crosby got along so well with one boy there and was so touched that he later asked Bullano to go back... just the two of them, no cameras, no attention.

When Bullano and Crosby met for the follow-up visit, Crosby appeared clutching a pair of Toys “R” Us bags, filled with a Transformer toy the two had discussed.

“He literally bought every type of this toy they make,” Bullano said. “[Crosby] had never seen it before and thought it was so cool.

“There are no pictures of this. There’s no video. He was laying in the bed with the kid. They were just playing. We were there for over two hours. I got to know the mom really well because we were just sitting there.

“The kid had no idea. Didn’t expect it. They had no idea he was coming. We got there and he said, ‘Hey buddy. hope you don’t mind that I came back.’ The kid couldn’t believe it.

“[Crosby’s] crazy cool about stuff like that.”

What’s crazy is trying to recount the many times stuff like this has happened with Crosby:

• The Little Penguins Learn to Play program has been around for nine seasons, outfitting now 1,200 kids with free head-to-toe hockey equipment. Not only does Crosby serve as the face of the program — which the NHL has now adopted — but he helps fund it, too.

“There’s an awareness of what a person in his position can bring,” Penguins vice president of communications Tom McMillan said. “I think he activates that as much as anybody I’ve seen during his playing career.”

• After a recent practice, Crosby noticed a local family in the Penguins dressing room, approached them, introduced himself, learned their story and wound up giving them a signed stick.

Nobody asked Crosby to do that, and he wanted zero credit when discussing it a couple days later.

“For people who have the opportunity to come in here, people dealing with certain things, if you can brighten their day a bit or spend some time with them, it’s something that’s special for all of us,” Crosby said.

• A few years ago, through a team charity event, Crosby befriended a 4-year-old Amish boy with cancer. Crosby remarked to Bullano how much he loved talking to the boy because of how engaging the boy was and how he wasn’t consumed with technology. Crosby even tried to visit the boy but learned he had passed away.

• He learns the first and last names of the kids who attend his hockey school in Cole Harbour, Nova Scotia.

“Two kids came from Japan its first year,” Bullano recalled. “He was so blown away by that. He couldn’t wait to meet them.”

• Earlier this season, the Penguins welcomed Grant Chupinka, 24-year-old cancer patient, into the dressing room. Crosby chatted up Grant and his parents, Steve and Kim.

He spent his usual time — about two or three times the requirement. Gave the tour. Then found out the Chupinkas didn’t have tickets for that night’s game and decided he would pay for them to go.

“I’m sure he could just give them an autographed puck or something, but he takes his time to go out and see them and talk to them and get to know them,” Brian Dumoulin said. “It speaks volumes for him and who he is as a person.”

Spend any length of time with Crosby during his visits with those less fortunate, and a few things become obvious.

One, Crosby is really good at these. Smooth but not in a slimy way. Sweet. You know how when you’re around someone talking and they go out of their way to make eye contact with everyone around? That’s Crosby.

He’s also humble, always introducing himself like those he’s meeting don’t already know. Holding a hand is no issue. And Crosby is the rare 20-something pro athlete without kids who acts every bit like he does.

“It is not an easy situation to talk to someone with terminal cancer,” McMillan said. “A lot of people couldn’t do that. He has an amazing ability to do that and make that person feel good.”

Crosby has welcomed several Make-a-Wish kids and tries, if at all possible, to schedule such events for practice days — to maximize the time he’s able to spend.

He’s developed a special friendship with Patrick McIlvain, a soldier who nearly died when he took a bullet to the head in Afghanistan. McIlvain actually does physical therapy with one of Crosby’s sticks.

A former club hockey player at Cal U, McIlvain comes by every year, and the Penguins don’t even bother to tell Crosby. Either he already knows or immediately stops what he’s doing to come say hello.

“He’s not doing it to leave a legacy,” said Terry Kalna, Penguins vice president of sales and broadcasting. “His numbers leave the legacy. He’s just a down-to-Earth, good guy.”

Before a visit, Crosby has Bullano email him what is essentially a scouting report on who he’s going to meet. He likes to learn about them, their situation and what they’ve been through. As much information as he can ingest. Crosby never just swoops in, shake a hand and leave.

“As much as anyone has ever seen, he accepts the responsibilities of being not just a professional athlete but a star professional athlete,” McMillan said. “He views it as part of the job. Like coming to the morning skate. That’s just what you do.”

Put another way, “he owns those moments,” says Kalna.

Said Bullano, “He’s just a good human being.”

-When it comes to giving, Sidney Crosby does as much as he can, Feb 2017

6. When Crosby received a generous signing bonus on his Reebok deal, he wanted to share it with everyone.

“He gave everyone on the bus gifts,”  says Oceanic radio commentator Michel Germain. “Him sharing his bonus with all the people he’d been travelling with for two years, that impresses me greatly. I think the most important thing about Sidney Crosby is his personality and the kind of human being he is. What he exuded. The inner richness he’d already developed.” 

-Superstitious and generous, Dec 2006

7. also this simply because it makes me ;w;

Even in defeat — no, especially in defeat — Sidney Crosby proved why he wears the "C" for the Penguins.

After the game, with his heart sinking and his season over, the Penguins’ captain bent over, sank to the ice to pick up the puck, took it to linesman Tony Sericolo and then skated to his team’s handshake line.

I immediately thought of a View from Ice Level I’d written on Crosby making sure a retiring official was sent away from PPG Paints Arena properly. I knew picking up the puck wasn’t for the same reason that was, but I also knew, in some way, it was connected to Crosby’s awareness and respect of the game.

“It was for the Islanders,” Crosby told me after the game, his eyes swollen from a first round exit – by way of a sweep to make it worse. He told me how the winning team always wanted the puck, and it was his way of providing it for the Islanders.

Crosby looked me right in the eye as he told me this, just as he did with every other member of the media to come to him after the loss.

I could tell from those swollen eyes and the way he sat at his stall, by himself with his hands folded as he stared blankly, that Sidney Crosby is much more used to being on the receiving end of a puck when a series ends than he is at retrieving it for the winning team.

That scene. His swollen eyes. Staying in the locker room until most had left – talking to anyone who needed him. Most of all, though, picking up the puck that prompted my question in the first place and making sure the right people got their piece of their own history.

It all adds up to one thing: In victory and in defeat, Crosby respects the game above all else – just as he’s always done.

-Even in defeat, Crosby shines, April 2019

[heejojo]

Love Isn't Beautiful But With You It Was

✰ summary: y/n and niki's journey from being enemies to friends to much more than that.

✰ pairing: Niki x fem!reader (and a Jay apperance)

✰ genre: fluff, angst, enemies to childhood friends to lovers

✰ warning: a few sad scenes but I'm not sure they'll be too bad! death

✰ word count: 1.8k (the most so far tbh)

a/n: this is my first fanfic so please leave comments about what should be improved. if you have any requests feel free to leave them! it's past 12am now and I need to sleep but I hope you have a nice day!

prompt gotten from @moonlight-chi77 thank you!

“Love isn’t beautiful but with you it was”

Life disappears in the blink of an eye, but the memories created and the human connection formed does not. The memories created are embedded in our hearts and follow us through different paths of life. Whether those memories are good or bad, they become something we reflect on in later moments.

Nishimura Riki couldn’t exactly remember the first time he met you but all he knew was that he had never hit off with someone the way he did with you.

September 2012

Although Niki couldn't pinpoint the exact date you guys started talking, he knew it was in September of 2012. He knew at first he disliked you and wanted nothing to do with you because you had stolen his spot on the swings.

“That's my spot, I told Jay I was going to stay here forever,” he said while his friend who was behind him nodded enthusiastically, backing him up.

“Your name is not on it and you didn’t buy it so why should I leave?” you asked him without coming down because you got there fair and square.

“I called dibs on it,” he said while puffing out his chest.

“Dibs are for babies,” you say while continuing to swing. “I’m not a baby,” he retorts.

“If you say so, then why are you wearing a Talking Tom T-Shirt?” you ask and his face begins to turn red. “It's cool, isn't it Jay?” he nudges his friend asking him for support. “Cool man, girls just suck” Jay responds and they both leave. “At least I dress myself!” you yell at their retreating figures

After that day, Niki made it his mission to disturb you every day and never wore his Talking Tom shirt again after that day.

August 2016

“Niki!!” you screamed as you felt another water balloon hit your leg. At this point, your entire body was soaked. The young boy continued to laugh and run as you chased him. You were beginning to regret spending your summer break with him when you could be watching TV instead. Eventually, you give up chasing the blond-haired boy and go into the house to dry off. Thirty minutes later, Niki comes in with a bottle of orange juice as a form of apology. You snatch it without further thought and drink it. Looking up at him after you finish drinking it, you both burst into a fit of laughter. “You’re lucky I love food,” you say. Maybe spending the summer with him wouldn't be so bad.

December 2018

Your crush on Niki was painfully obvious to everyone but him. Your friends teased you, his friends teased you yet when you were together you denied it with so much vigour. Niki had liked you for a few months now. Everyone was enjoying the slow burn that was going on between the two of you; the soft glances across the room, the way you always looked for each other among crowds, the way he knew where your secret birthmark was even though your close friends didn’t.

It was the way you complimented each other that made everyone cringe and aw at the same time. The jacket you got him for his birthday was his most prized piece of clothing and the only person he let touch it was his mum. This year though, you gathered enough courage and told him how he meant to you and how you were content with being just friends even if it hurt a little. But you weren’t expecting Niki to say he felt the same way, even more so. Your friends heaved a sigh of relief and choruses of ‘Finally’ were echoed.

It felt good being with someone.

January 2019

Everyone argued with people they loved right? Your parents did, the old lady that sells fruit and her boyfriend did so you and Niki weren’t an exception. After being childhood friends for so long you’d think you could trust each other enough to talk about the things that bothered you but he refused to, claiming that he didn’t want you to see him in a different light and how it would hurt his pride. You would tell him that no one knew him more and cared about him the way you did. At times, you’d let it go not wanting to push him but that day you couldn’t take it.

“We need to talk. Why have you been avoiding me these past few days?” you asked him.

“I’ve just been busy” he replied.

“No, you’ve been avoiding me. I know you well enough to know when you're hiding something” you said.

He wouldn't budge, he never did especially when you cornered him like this. He started to get irritated and said, “I said I’ve been busy so forgive me if I can’t give you attention all the time. Not all of us are as clingy as you” You winced; it was your fault for pushing him to the edge like that. Nevertheless, you wouldn't give up. “ I just want you to say how you feel and what bothers you. I’d never look at you in a different light and you know that. You might want to be strong but it’s okay to show some sort of emotion, it doesn’t make you weak rather it makes you look like someone that acknowledges what is wrong and doesn’t try to ignore the problem or solve it on their own” you comforted him. As the words entered his ears, you could see the walls surrounding his heart crumbling. “It’s okay to ask for help or just to rant to someone. Even if we won’t be able to provide an immediate solution, it should help” you added taking a few steps forward and grabbing a hold of his hands. You squeezed them tightly.

“I...I’m just scared you’ll leave once you see the not so perfect side of me” he managed to say. “I will stay with you, why don’t we make the best of everything without worrying about the future?” you asked while smiling. He returned it and pulled you in for a hug. “Thank you, truly,” he said and you smiled under his embrace.

After a few minutes you spoke up, “Oh yeah, Niki?” you called his attention and he hummed in response. “Don’t ever shout at me like that again, I can deck you and you know it” you said.

“Got it, boss. Sorry for being a jerk”

June 2020

You usually went on diets and exercised a lot but you were losing weight at an extreme rate and you weren’t even on a diet. Niki was worried but you brushed it off telling him it was stress from school but it got worse. You found it difficult for you to balance yourself, you felt nauseated, getting even more frequent headaches and being tired all the time so Niki decided that enough was enough and took you to the hospital. Neither of you had expected the result of the scans that were run.

“I’m sorry but there is a tumour in your brain,” the doctor said. The air left your lungs. “You can choose to get the surgery and live in the hospital for 8 months or live with the tumour for 3 months” he continued. You thanked him and left the hospital. The elephant in the room was very much alive and neither one of you wanted to address it. Did you want to stay in the hospital for the rest of your life or did you want to say with your loved ones? You thought that they would go through and that won’t be worth it.

“Niki” you called out.

He looked at you with a sad smile and just pulled you in for a hug, careful not to hurt you. “Do you want to tell your parents?” You nodded. You couldn’t just leave without saying anything. Picking your jacket, Niki drove you to your parents house.

“I just wanted you guys to know, I couldn’t just leave without saying anything,” you said with your eyes cast downwards. You couldn’t bear to look at your mom who was already crying or your dad who was blaming himself even when it wasn’t his fault or your sister who was basically your best friend. Niki had given you guys privacy but you knew it was just an excuse for him to be with his own feelings.

“I’m going to stay close to home in the meantime so I can be closer to you guys,” you said. Your eyes were already becoming glossy with tears. You inched towards your mom, taking her hand in yours and said, “You did an amazing job of being my mom and I love you so much”. Moving to your dad, you said “You did a good job of protecting me so don’t think otherwise. Let’s make all the memories we want to now without any regrets”. At that, your sister burst into tears “I… I can’t bear to lose you” Your heart clenched. “I can’t bear to lose you too” She continued crying. Your mom wiped her eyes and said, “From today, live the way you want to. Eat what you want and do what you want.” From the corner of my eye, I saw Niki staring watching the whole scene. After an hour, I stood up and went home with Niki. The car ride was a long and awkward one. When we got home, we just slept hugging each other.

Starting tomorrow I was going to live.

July 2020

The pain is getting worse but the smiles on my family and friends faces are enough to keep me going. I wrote letters and got gifts for them. Niki looks at the calendar every day, I can’t tell him to stop because I can tell he’s hurting so much. Why can’t I just be okay for everyone?

August 2020

The time comes faster, Niki and I went on a getaway for a few days. He deserved a break from everything that has been going on.

September 2020

I never thought I'd die as silly as that sounds. I asked my parents and sister to leave when I got to the hospital. Niki refused to leave and stayed there till I took in my last breath. He kept crying begging me not to go and how he’d do anything.

“Does it hurt a lot?” he asked between sniffles

“No it doesn’t, it just feels like a needle” it hurt like a truck.

“Liar”

I chuckled and held his hand till I couldn’t anymore. “I love you’’ I say as the lights fade.

╔═*.·:·.✧ ✦ ✧.·:·.*═╗

Dear Nishimura Riki,

When you see this, it means I’m already gone. First of all, don’t beat yourself up too much. I could write for ages about how much I love you but now that I need to, my mind goes blank. You’ve done so well for putting up with me, hats off to you. You might not want to but move on, even though id like you to remember me; let your heart heal and be happy.

Take care of yourself and don’t skip any meals. Eat well and be happy, make sure you visit the places we never got to visit and enjoy yourself. Live life the way you want it every day. Be nice to people and smile more.

Thank you for all the happy memories, my love, I’ll be forever grateful for you. You made my life colourful and worth living.

Love isn’t beautiful but with you it was.

Yours truly,

Y/N.

[cfs-crohns-colitis-warrior]

I was diagnosed (as much as one can be without a diagnostic test) in 2019 or 2020 (the years have blurred together so it’s hard to remember). I started experiencing the symptoms in summer 2018 when I was 23. I had had my second surgery for Crohn’s in January that year, and had the typical 3 months afterwards to recover before I started back at work. I was doing well, and I went back to work part time so I could slowly build up my hours as I’d been off for a while.

As the year went on, I was unable to increase my work hours and found I was struggling just as much as I had been when I was working before and kept needing to collapse on the sofa or in bed as soon as I got home. It wasn’t until mid 2019 that I started to realise that the symptoms I was having were the same symptoms that my mum had had all my life, as she’s had M.E since before I was born. Once I realised I spoke to my GP and was sent for multiple blood tests to rule out other illnesses, and was eventually referred to the specialist. I had my appointment sometime in 2020 and at the end it seemed pretty conclusive that I had M.E/CFS and that the symptoms were different to the ones I suffer with with my Crohn’s disease. I’m still not entirely sure if it was officially put down as a diagnosis but from what I recall it was as close as I was ever going to get.

I’ve always know about M.E, since my mum has had it throughout my whole life, but experiencing it second hand and first hand are two completely different things. I always thought I understood my mum and how the illness affected her, as I saw it on a daily basis, but until you live with the condition yourself you can’t truly understand how it affects someone’s life. Due to Crohn’s disease I had to have a lot of time off work, and was able to work during periods of remission, and still do the occasional thing outside of work. Due to M.E/CFS, however, I’ve had to leave work completely and spend most of my days stuck inside on the sofa watching tv.

I always used to hear ‘it must be great being able to stay in and watch tv all day’ and I hated hearing that. It’s not like it’s my first choice. If I was unemployed but still healthy, I would make the most of all my free time. I’d learn to cook, I’d help keep the house clean, I’d exercise and go out as much as possible. I’d see my friends more often and I wouldn’t have to cancel plans. I’d be able to just get out of bed and go, and shower first thing in the morning. I’d go and do the shopping. I’d do whatever I could to help out at home. But I can’t. I’m pretty much trapped inside my own body, wanting to do so much and not able to do any of it.

I just hope people can try to understand how much M.E/CFS affects the lives of those who have it, and consequently those around them, as our friends and family, our loved ones, have to help us out a lot.

[whaleofatjme1920]

Denying Feelings on the Tiled Floor (Masky X F!Reader)

[Masky X F!Reader]

[Warnings: blood, angst]

[AN: I genuinely dont think I've posted this here before but it's from my quotev and I want it here lots of love <3]

Tim can’t really describe the first moment he knew he felt something for you, only that he did. And he knew the risks that came along with having such feelings.

Hanahaki, it’s a terrible disease, really. Instead of giving flowers to the person you love, you grow them in your lungs. If the person that you’re so willingly throwing your affections at doesn’t return them, you die. The flowers cloud your lungs and unfurl, sprouting and taking root as they invade your chest, making it harder and harder to breathe until you eventually choke.

He wasn’t supposed to have feelings for anyone, especially as a proxy and even more so as a respectable group leader. His job is to guide and lead, not feel softly for someone who might never return his feelings. Tim doesn't really think he even deserves to have these type of warm feelings, if he’s being honest.

Not after he failed to protect Brian. Not after he failed to protect Amy. Not after he failed to protect Sarah. Not after he failed to save Alex. Not after he barely managed to protect Jessica. And certainly not after he failed to do right by and protect Jay. His existence was always bound to be one of suffering, not warm feelings and sly glances at someone he feels so deeply for.

He supposes that’s where the Hanahaki comes in from. He can’t just have warm feelings, he must suffer for those two. The warmth he felt for you was at first a spark, small, floating on the wind from something greater and bigger than he could ever imagine. Then, it took hold on every part of him, consuming him until it was ablaze and the flames licked upwards to the heels of the sky.

It was something he never wanted to feel, something he wanted to shove back. But sometimes, it was pleasant, and sweet, and it lured him in like sailors to a siren song.

Sometimes it was just a little smile.

“Good work today,” Tim complimented as he patted your back, watching as you tiredly stumbled back into the house. “I wasn’t sure we were gonna be able to get that guy but you? You were on it.”

You glanced over your shoulder and smiled at him. “Thanks! He was a slipper bastard, but I make it work,” you giggled.

Tim chuckled and closed the door of the temp house his group was currently staying in. “Get some rest tonight, okay?”

“Why? We have something big tomorrow?” You asked, tilting your head slightly.

He followed you into the kitchen, watching as you began to rummage in the fridge for something cold to drink. “No,” he started. “I just want you to get some rest.”

You poked your head from back out of the fridge, genuinely smiling at him. “Sure thing, Masky.”

His heart skipped a beat.

Sometimes it was your laugh.

It had just been you and Tim in the car coming back from a late night convenience store run. Apparently, the rest of your group wanted to have a movie night but the snacks were severely lacking.

There was music playing in the car but he hadn’t been focused on it all. In fact, he was more focused on you telling him things from your childhood.

“I can’t believe they just let us do that,” you had giggled. “I know senior pranks can get out of hand but I’m certain we cost them thousands in actual damage and even more in water damage.”

Tim chuckled and nodded. “I remember for our senior prank, Hoodie and I got the bright idea to steal three pigs from one of the local farms in the area with a group of other guys, and marked them with a one, two and four,” he explained, watching from the corner of his eye as you began to grin. “So, we let them loose in the school and of course, the staff and the students that weren’t in on the prank spent the entire day looking for pig three-” he’s barely able to get the rest of the anecdote out before you burst into laughter.

Tim’s heart grows softer as he joins you, fighting the desire to hold your hand. You sound so beautiful to him.

Tim knows he can’t deny his feelings. He couldn’t try any harder, and unfortunately for him, he has the inkling you don’t feel the same. It’s painful because he can feel the seeds of that terrible disease spreading further and further, consuming him slowly.

You’ve mentioned it before, not wanting to be in love. Not desiring a relationship and by extension, him.

“I just don’t think I’m up for those kind of things,” you said one night as the two of you say up on the roof together.

He tilted his head slightly to the side. “What makes you say that?”

You shrugged. “I’m a proxy, and I don’t think love is in the roster for people like us.” You giggled slightly and fixed your posture before shaking your head. “I think the only types of people who would work with people like us is people like us. But, even then, I think we’re way too emotionally unstable.” You then paused and looked over to your group leader. “What about you?”

Tim shrugged, a small, sad smile on his face. “I think I’m in agreement with you.” He said it, but he doesn’t mean it. He watched you carefully after he said it, looking for any signs that you wanted to challenge him, and when he didn’t see them, he felt the flowers bloom.

Coughing is absolutely normal for Tim. He’s handled the Operator’s influence for far longer than anyone should, which has been since his childhood. It’s just his body’s natural reaction to being poisoned all those years. But what wasn’t normal was when he started coughing up petals.

Oh how he hates the color pink now. Carnations. They’re pink carnations. He has no idea why they’re pink carnations as you have shown no type of fondness or specific admiration for the type of flower, but they smell so sweet and the color reminds him of you. He tries to smoke his cigarettes more and more in a vain attempt to smoke the roots that have taken hold in his lungs before they consume him in his entirety.

But he knows he won’t stop them, and that he won’t give into that surgery. What’s the use of living if you cannot have the feelings that come alongside it? All of the things that still make proxies human, life, death, love and birth - peace and war? Happiness when you laugh with friends, confusion, anger and somberness. It’s worth it. Every single part of it is worth it. He doesn’t want to lose the warm feelings he has to you either,

Even if it kills him.

It’s not like you haven’t noticed Tim coughing up pink carnations. The way the sparsely blood covered flowers find their ways into vases or in the trash have been greatly concerning you, and as far as you can tell, it’s not from Toby, Brian, or Kate. The only habitual cougher is Tim, and that makes you concerned.

You don’t know how to feel about Tim most days, but you know it’s something sweeter than what should be allowed as a proxy. You’re finally making your decision when you think you’ve almost lost him.

It’s a warm summer night when you finally come to terms with how you feel. You’ve just returned from some kind of ‘cooperation mission’ with Eyeless Jack and Jeff and you are more than exhausted after the mess you had to put up with.

“Anyone home?” You call out. From the kitchen, you can smell fresh pastries. Looks like Kate and Toby have been baking again. You follow the scent and see platters of brownies, cookies and other sweets laid out on the countertops with little sticky notes telling you to only take from the brownies - the rest are for other proxy groups and independents.

You’re just about to pluck one of the fresh brownies when you hear coughing. It’s soft at first, thick, but sounds like normal Tim coughing. You wonder if you should head over and see if there’s anything he needs. “Masky?” You call out again.

He coughs again. “What?” He sounds exhausted.

“Do you need some water?”

“No, I don’t-” he begins to cough violently, and you swear you can hear something falling to the floor as he does so. Tim rumbles around his room, crawling out of bed as he continues to violently cough and to the bathroom.

Worried, you exit the kitchen hastily to see what’s wrong just to see him slinking into the bathroom. “Masky? What’s going on?” You ask in a growing concerned tone, walking down the darkened hall to where the bathroom light shines from under the door.

And there you see it, flowers. Pink in color, carnations. They’re soft under your shoe as opposed to the hardwood. You feel the blood run cold in your veins. “Tim? Tim? Tim, you gotta open up please-” you rush out as you begin to pound on the door.

“Don’t you dare!” He snarls, pushing his weight against the door, still coughing. “I don’t need your hel-” he practically coughs up his lungs as he falls to the floor.

You panic. “Shit, shit, shit!” You cry out as you lean back in the hallway. “I’m coming in!” You know he can’t really hear you as he continues to hack out his lungs, but you kick the door in, bursting it from its hinges. You catch it and practically tear it out of the frame before shoving it back into the hall.

You widen your eyes upon seeing the state of Tim and immediately fall downwards, your hands sliding over his trembling form. There’s blood all over the sink, the mirror, even some of the sub and on the floor. The red drops leave trails down his mouth like snail trails. “Oh my gods,” you murmur as you rest his head on his lap, stopping his skull from knocking around on the tile floor.

“You shouldn’t-” he coughs more. “You shouldn’t be in here!” He’s not able to reprimand you because he’s practically puking up a bouquet.

“Nonsense,” you shrug off, trying to bring him comfort. “What the hell brought this on?” Your fingertips gently trace around his mouth and help claw the budding flowers out. You’ve never hated carnations so much until now.

Tim glares up at you before closing his eyes in pain, feeling the flowers cloud his lungs further. “It’s nothing-”

“Does this look like nothing?” You sound so cross, but it’s just because you’re so worried about him.

A long, pregnant pause passes between the two of you.

You continue to pull the blossoms from his mouth before looking over his form, seeing how his hand is slowly reaching up for yours. “Tim…”

“I know,” he whispers. “I’m sorry, I never meant for you to-”

You shake your head, your hand reaching out to hold his. You grip him before taking his hand warmly up to the side of your face, allowing him to caress your cheek. “Don’t.”

“But it’s true,” he barely manages to wisp out. “I never meant to throw this onto you,” he finishes before weakly coughing up more petals and full budding flowers. He can barely breathe now.

You sigh as you press his hand up to your cheek just a little firmer, letting him feel your warmth before you softly pull him back. “Open your palm, please,” you say softly as your free hand fishes out yet another bundle of carnations.

He weakly nods, closing his eyes and giving into his labored breathing as his lungs compete with the roots and sick blossoms for air.

You sigh once again, a small smile crossing onto your face before you plant a kiss on the center of his palm, remaining for just a moment before allowing him to pull away all on his own. “You always had me you idiot,” you whisper as you watch his fingers curl inwards, gripping the kiss that you had just planted.

Tim looks up at you, starry eyed before resting his hand on your cheek again.

The garden in his lungs begins to wilt.

[shiroolynn]

Hellooo long post alert

So i promised a summary for y’all. Okay where to begin.. so i told you that my coach wants to leave and he did that. He went to Team USA sooo now i dont have coach 👍🏻 i mean i have hungarian coach who is the coach of the kids here, he helps me now. Of course federation was an asshole as always in this situation as well. Basically when we had that meeting, they told me they can’t support me anymore but they are SO generous and great that gave me an ultimatum: I go to Russia, Nhizny Tagil for the WC start and if I make good results there (points and stuff) they can search a coach for me and support me. Which is ridiculous cuz I’ve been jumping like shit for A Reason!! Multiple Reasons!! I cant just go there and… jump good. This is not how ski jumping works but how would they know. They are dumb. So. Where to begin? Last year knee surgery, pressured back to the hill before time, horrible knee pain during the season, obviously no good results and then mister Vasja, ex coach left me, I got covid, I got pneumonia, no training for months, no basic preparations, then new coach came, bad results on the summer cuz?? Ive been struggling lmao and then coach starting to say that he thinks i want to quit which i never mentioned to him ever?? Made feel sad and mad and wtf why would u say this to your athlete man. So we started discussions and arguments and basically he told he will quit cuz he got better job offer so i cried a lot in the past months👍🏻 (meanwhile i studied like crazy for exam and passed and to that i gave myself a pat on the back good job me ) sooo then next time when we met with coach and was driving to jumping he started to talk about flight tickets and stuff to Russia, and i just got more and more anxious and basically had a panic attack before training and told him this is ridiculous, i can’t go to Russia im not in the shape physically and mentally, i will not make the same mistake like last year, pressured into something that i was not ready for so i told him that. Okay we had another meeting with federation and they were quite friendly surprisingly but basically they will support me less from now on. Their goal was the Olympics, and ofc mine too but i just had to admit I’ve been through a looot of shit and im not in the shape yet to go to world cups even. So now i will just try to take a little break, cuz im completely exhausted and burned out mentally, so its better to let things settle and then we’ll see start slowly again with jumping, no big pressures and hopefully i might as well start enjoying jumping again. If you read all of this good job you are awesome 👍🏻 so guys im sorry if u thought you’ll see me in world cups soon, that will not happen:/ But I’ll be here of course during world cups and shitpost sooo dw

Have a nice day y’all <3

[it-was-all-a-beautiful-dream]

Going, Going, Gone (Spencer Reid x Reader) Chapter 5

Warnings: Mentions of death and injury/much angst

Word Count: 2k

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-Spencers POV-

His heart stopped. There she was. Right there, if only he could climb through the screen and grab her, shielding her from further harm. He was angry, she looked so small, from what he could make out on the screen you were tied to a bed, bound by chains, blood and wounds scattered in different shapes and sizes over your almost naked body.

Spencer heard a gasp from behind him, turning he noticed JJ staring at the screen seeing exactly what he was. He didn’t have time to deal with peoples feelings, he just needed to figure out where his girl was and quickly. Emily had joined him back at the laptop.

“Oh my god.” Her voice was full of panic and hate. Then her eyes went wide when she heard Rossi’s voice travelling up the attic stairs.

“Spencer, did you find anything yet.” Spence turned to look at the man and then back at the screen, angling his body so it was in front of Rossi’s line of sight. Emily was trying to get him to go back down stairs but he was having none of it, pushing passed her to get to the source of the commotion. Spencer couldn’t bare to listen to the angry cries of his colleague, the angry, broken cries of a father. He was too focused on taking in everything he could, trying to look passed your broken and beaten down, still breathing body, to figure out if there was anything to lead them to you.

Spencer hit a button on his mobile, a direct line to Garcia who was anxiously waiting for anything back at her cyber lab.

“Go boy wonder what have you got for me.” Penelope’s joking voice faltered when Spencer informed her of their findings. He sent the video clip of Y/N over to Penelope to analyse further. Her voice quivering as she promised Spencer she’d be found.

Spencer took a look at the screen again, noticing marks up the algae covered walls. They were water marks, which told you how high the water sometimes flooded inside the building. He let Garcia know so she could narrow her search to a building that would be underground near water and it took her mere seconds to come back with a location.

“It’s an old underground bunker, the Unsubs father was some kind of doomsday preparation nut, it’s next to the Teal River, i’ve sent the exact location to your phones.” The team were out the door in seconds, hoping and praying that this is where they would find you alive. They needed to find you alive.

“Were coming for you sweetheart just hold on, were coming.” In that moment Spencer did something he never did, he prayed.

-Un-Subs POV-

“It’s almost time. Almost time to get rid of the girl. She put up a bigger fight than I thought she would. A few more stab wounds and cuts aught to do the trick, let her die slowly in her cell, die slowly just like my girl did. They will pay, they will all pay.”

-Your POV-

You coughed. You could hear that your breathing was getting worse and it felt like the air was slowly being sucked out of you. You knew you didn’t have long left. You would have liked to cry, feel sorry for yourself, for the fact that you’d never have a future with Spence, never see your father again and never see the team you called family again, but you were too dehydrated and your body couldn’t even function enough to produce a single drop. You slumped against the sticky cold wall, dry blood smeared across your face and in your hair. Your leg was still bleeding but you’d managed to stop it slightly by using some dirty cloth from the mattress you were sitting on. An infected leg was better than bleeding out.

Your eyes closed and you thought about Spencer. How his mind would be working over time trying to piece together the clues and find you before you met your demise. You wanted to believe they would find you in time but your hope was slowly fading away with your consciousness.

You thought about your father and how he’d been in the BAU for so long, founded it with your godfather Gideon, how it was basically his whole life, as well as you. You hoped that when you were gone he’d be able to move on, that he wouldn’t hurt for too long and hopefully one day he’d re-marry, god knows he could use a strong woman in his life after your mum died.

You thought about your friends.. family at the BAU. Your best friend Luke Alvez who treated you more like a little sister, always taking you under his wing and giving you advice even when you didn’t need it. You hoped he’d stay at the BAU, that if you died, it wouldn’t effect him too much and he’d be able to get back to some kind of normal life. You wish there was a way to tell him he could have your baseball card collection, he’d always wanted it. You laughed a little, a sad laugh, already grieving for the people you were going to lose. Thinking about all the things you still wanted to do in life. They say that when you die you life flashes before your eyes, they were wrong. It’s before that, it plays through your head like a movie, going over all the things you’d never get to see.

In your mind you pictured what your wedding day would be like. Spencer would want a small wedding full of close family and friends and you’d agree. The perfect setting your fathers large back garden, flowers everywhere, surrounded by the people you love. The gentle exchanging of rings and the kiss he would give you that would still make your toes curl even when you were old and grey.

Children. You wanted at least 4. You wanted so many children with Spencer because you knew he’d make the most amazing father, even if he’d be scared they’d carry the gene for schizophrenia. They’d have his curly hair and your eye colour, his calmness and his smarts while they had your artistic nature and kindness. They’d love to stay with Grandpa, who would tell them all kinds of stories of his time in the FBI, obviously leaving out the heavy stuff. Your friends would come over and you’d always have big dinners and get togethers, BBQ’s in the summer, your lives full of life and laughter and there would always be him. Right by your side. Your Spencer. You’d grow old together, still love each other as hard as you do now. Until your last breath. You pictured going out like the scene in the notebook, old and in each others arms. The world would always be right, if you had your Spencer Reid.

You could feel your breathing slowing, the sound of heavy footsteps running down the echoing corridor. It was too late. You were sure the Un-sub was coming to finish you off once and for all, leave you somewhere for your family to find, another body in another case the BAU would eventually solve. But it was too late for you. The door swung open and your eyes closed. The pain was gone and so were the chances of seeing your Spence one last time.

-Spencers POV-

The SUV’s came to a screeching halt outside the bunker. There was a gravelled path that lead towards the doors that were hidden behind shrubs. It was one of those lucky by chance things, the team arrived and the Un-sub was outside, about to go into the bunker. While Prentiss and JJ read him his rights and stuck him in the back of the car, Spencer, Rossi and Luke threw open the metal doors and made their way inside cautiously. Spencer wanted to throw all caution to the wind. Guaranteed the two other men he was with wanted to as well. All they wanted to do was get their girl back. But sometimes looks could be deceiving and more danger could be lurking up ahead. In this case, there wasn’t.

Spencer ran down the long echoing corridor, medics behind him. The cells were empty apart from one.

“Y/N! Y/N! Can you hear me? Were here Darling just hold on okay, i’m here baby i’m here.” Spencers voice was full of panic as the three men used all their strength to open the tightly sealed bunker door. Spencer could faintly see through the porthole door, the grime and condensation obstructing his view slightly. You weren’t moving. He started to panic even more and when the door hissed and flung open it was if the world was moving in slow motion.

You were pale, eyes closed, dry blood across your practically naked body. Dirty cloth wrapped around your blood soaked thigh and cuts littered your body in all shapes and sizes. One of your hands was handcuffed to a railing next to the rusty spring covered bed and you looked smaller than you’d ever looked before. Spencer was on you in seconds. Luke had bolt cutters and had snipped the handcuff from the railing. Rossi was frozen in his spot, his daughter lifeless in front of him. Spencer lifted you carefully in his arms laying you on the ground.

“She has no pulse! She’s not breathing! She’s not breathing!” He started pumping your chest, 1,2,3,4…. check, no sign of breathing. He held your nose and blew into your mouth twice, Luke took over chest compressions as the paramedics set up the defibrillator. More Paramedics arrived, pushing the two FbI Agents away so they could work on you more thoroughly. Some tended to your still bleeding cute, needles attached to you for IV bags and then.

“Everyone clear!” The defibrillator sounded up. The shocking noise and the thud your body made against the cold floor seemed to echo all around. They shocked you a total of four times before they managed to get a weak pulse.

The ambulance ride wasn’t long, especially now that you had a police escort and most of the flashing lights in the city. You died and came back 3 times in the ambulance. Spencer hadn’t stopped crying since he found you bleeding and lifeless.

On arrival to the hospital you were instantly taken to surgery, some of the stab wounds too severe to be treated normally. The BAU occupied the waiting room, Rossi sat numbly staring at the floor, Spencer paced back and fourth, Luke kept on asking the Dr for updates every ten minutes and the rest of the team just waited for any news at all.

——————————————————————————————————

-Your POV-

You hadn’t remembered your cell being this bright. Maybe your captor had taken you outside. Maybe you hadn’t died in time to be spared of the cruel torture that was about to follow. What was that dreadful beeping sound? You blinked, your eyes taking their time to adjust to your surroundings. You were defiantly somewhere else and you started to panic, the beeping got louder and faster. You tried to sit up.

“Spencer! Spencer! Wake up she’s awake!” You couldn’t make out the voice clearly, it sounded like… your dad? But how? Were you dreaming. Maybe this was your body in its final stages playing a cruel trick on your subconscious.

You tried to talk, but your throat was dry and you were hit with a wave of pain. Someone pressed ice chips to your lips, slowly but surely you accepted them, the coolness coating your vocal cords.

“Please, please tell m-me this isn’t a d-dream.” A tear leaked from the corner of your eye and rolled down your cheek only to be kissed away by… your Spencer.

“Baby, it’s not a dream, I found you, we found you. You’re safe now and I’m never letting you go again.”

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Welp, There we go. The final chapter! I hope you liked this mini series! If you like Criminal minds or want me to write for anyone else.. maybe Luke Alvez... let me knowwww i'll consider it ;) Please Reblog/follow/like <3333

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