#I'll return when I'm the healthiest and best me.

[bangficsx]

PAINT ME RED | epilogue

series

warning : infertility, pregnancy, fighting, explicit (fingering, Intercourse, unprotected sex, cum play, doggy style, riding, clit play, breast play, cumming)

news article

As the couple celebrates their second anniversary today the rapper's wife posted candid pictures of the couple with a simple caption saying '2 years of us and forever'.

The couple has been capturing our hearts with their unmatchable chemistry for two years now. Jia frequently posts about their vacations together and how they manage things when they are doing long distance. "We knew from the beginning distance was going to be a part of our lives. I am out every two weeks attending some event in different parts of the country or the world. Yoongi has his own schedules in different places. It often happens that one of us comes home and the other has to leave. Sometimes it's hard for us. There was this one time when Yoongi returned from a month long schedule in the US and the morning he came back I had to leave for a week in Paris on evening of the same date. We barely got a couple of hours together.

We don't allow the distance from growing us apart it only brings us closer. It helps us have our space and let's us grow as individuals so that when we are together we can give proper attention to each other because we've already had that time with ourselves." The 37 year old content creator told a leading magazine a few months back for a relationship advice column.

Fans cannot wait to see them start their family and become parents and keep asking the couple about the same. A person had an excellent reply to those who keep throwing such questions on married couples - "We never know if they are struggling about this in private. Stop asking people to have children, it is solely their own decision to have children or not. It is a huge responsibility to rear children and the decision has to be taken very carefully."

We wish for the couple's health and happiness above everything else and congratulate them on completing two years of marriage.

Yoongi pressed a kiss on Jia's forehead as they stopped dancing when the song faded into silence.

"I love you so much Yoongi" Jia whispered smiling at him.

"I love you too. Now tell me what you want. I'll bring anything for you." Yoongi said tucking her hair behind her ear.

"It's something bigger than a gift what I really want" Jia said with her arms wrapped around his neck.

"Tell me."

"I think we're ready for it now but I don't know what you think. We haven't talked about it for a long time."

Yoongi raised in eyebrow with a confused look on his face.

"I wanna be a mom now" Jia said with her lips curled up in a small smile.

"Have you been thinking about it for a long time now?" Yoongi asked caressing her back as the moment was sensitive, they were making a life altering decision which had no possibilities of ever being reversed. It was important for him to know she had thought about it well enough.

"It's been a while. At my last month's doctor's visit she suddenly asked if I wanted a baby. I told her we do want to try having a biological child but we're open to adoption if it doesn't. Then she asked how longer we were planning to wait so I couldn't give her a definite answer. She frankly told me that right now could be the best time to start trying."

"She told you to have a baby right now"

"Well, she suggested it. Come on Yoongi don't we pay her for helping me live in good health. My thyroid levels are in control, I don't have period problems anymore. This is probably the healthiest I'm ever going to be. The age factor is an important one we only have a few more years left while I'm still capable of bearing a child." Jia said standing in front of him.

"Then..." Yoongi sighed.

"If you need time to think" Jia said but Yoongi interrupted her.

"No I am ready Jia." Yoongi held her hands in his.

"Let's sit down and talk about it then. About our visions for the future. I'm so excited to do this with you. We're going to be parents." Jia cupped his face in her hands and reached his face to kiss him softly.

Both of them decided to not go out and cook something healthy to eat at home cuddled up with each other and talking about their plans.

"You know how much I want to adopt. Even if we have a biological child I want to adopt another." Jia told him eating the veggies on her plate.

"Hmm"

"I feel so free by making this decision. It's like I'm surrendering to nature to let it do it's work. I don't have to control my body. That's such a relief."

"I hope I'll get to be beside you if you give birth" Yoongi said.

"Ideally I would prefer a natural birth without any drugs or medications if there are no complications or risks. If I get pregnant I also want to continue my yoga and meditation as long as possible."

"No matter what happens I'll be here by your side." Yoongi kissed by her forehead.

"You know what, to have a baby of our own we need to do a certain thing" Jia smirked straddling him.

Yoongi smiled before kissing her lips. He softly bit her lower lip while trying to loosen the strings of her satin night dress. She moaned as he sucked the skin on her collarbone.

"I haven't felt you for so long Yoongi. I'm ready to take you. I need you."

"Now?" Yoongi asked.

"Please" Jia whispered with her face on his shoulder. He already knew she wasn't wearing any underwear beneath the dress so he pulled the hem up and squeezed her ass.

"Take off your clothes" Jia said to him and he followed while she circled her finger on her clit trying to make herself wetter.

"Get back on my lap" Yoongi asked of her holding his hardened penis in his hand. The tip of it red with arousal with the sight of her pleasuring herself.

"Yoongi..." Jia moaned his name with her face scrunched as she started riding his dick. He held her hips to guide her motions. Also squeezed her breasts while she was at it.

"I'm so close.. so close... oh fuck" Jia came and her movements stopped while she took deep breaths as her body was trembling and her clit pulsating.

"Can you give me more baby please?" Yoongi asked as he had not yet been able to come. He touched her clit and she whimpered but soon the sensitivity grew into another wave of pleasure.

Jia flipped around on all fours and slid her hair on her left shoulder. She smirked looking at Yoongi who pulled up her dress to the middle of her back getting a nice view of her ass.

"Fuck me good" Jia said to boost him up.

"This'll be the best anniversary sex ever. You're gonna come so hard you'll never forget it ever" Yoongi said inserting his finger inside her and stroking her gspot which made her moan out loud.

Wetness kept dripping put of her pussy, he could very easily slip in inside her, when she felt like this she knew it was going to be fucking intense. He replaced his fingers with his dick and she managed to get her fingers on her clit again. The position didn't help with Yoongi hitting that spot inside her again and again. He was going at a fast pace the room filled with the sound of flesh slapping against each other and wet noises and their moans.

They both felt themselves reaching closer to their climax. Yoongi slowed his movements and Jia started clenching tightly around him when he was filling her up shooting his cum deep inside her. He slowly pulled himself out of her and lied down on the couch with a thud.

"Oh god.." Jia gasped still feeling a throb in her vagina. She rested her head on his arm pushing her thighs close together.

"Jia" Yoongi took her name with a sadness in his voice which only she could sense.

"Did you start your period again?" Yoongi asked when he came back from work and found Jia lying on the couch watching TV.

"Yes" Jia replied without looking at him.

"Maybe we should go see a doctor?" He suggested standing behind the couch.

"A period is a normal thing Yoongi" Jia chuckled.

"For the thing where you don't get your period. We've been trying for almost a year now. It's our third anniversary next week. Maybe we need medical assistance to conceive."

Jia kicked the blanket to stand up from the couch and walk closer to him.

"Yoongi let's just keep trying"

"We've been trying Jia"

"Then let's find someone who can help us for adoption"

"Or let's find someone who can help us for conception"

"Oh god Yoongi..." Jia sighed holding her head.

"What?" Yoongi asked throwing his hands up.

"We decided if it doesn't happens, if I can't conceive we'll go for adoption."

"Why should we go for that without trying other options?" Yoongi said his voice getting louder.

"I don't want my body and mind to go through that..."

"Please stop with your nature and bullshit already please..." Yoongi blurted out.

"So the things I belive in are bullshit now. My opinions don't matter."

"Tell me where am I wrong in wanting a child who is made with mixed traits of ours. Who am I supposed to ask for this if not from you?"

"Yoongi try to understand me"

"You never even check when you're ovulating Jia. That's a basic thing."

"How do you know that?"

"We just have sex anytime we feel like"

"I'm sorry I don't shout it out that Yoongi I'm ovulating because I don't want to make sex feel like a chore to us. How can you just assume I don't know what's going inside my body."

"Consulting a specialist is still a different thing"

"I talk about it with my doctor every month. Tell her to give me tips on what changes I can make. Have you ever noticed I started taking folic acid a year ago even before we started trying. That herbal tea I replaced my coffee with that's for boosting fertility too."

"Some tea's gonna help us have a baby, wow" Yoongi scoffed.

"You are forgetting I once conceived naturally, and i wasn't very young then." Jia replied.

"I got all my tests done, I don't have a problem if you are trying to say that."

"I trust my body and I have faith that if I give it space and don't try to control it things will happen naturally." Jia said.

"Fine keep drinking your stupid tea. The only way you're gonna get my sperm now is in a lab." Yoongi pushed his hands inside his pockets and left the room.

"Do whatever you wanna do... It's about my body and I'm not doing that. It's my final decision." Jia shouted sitting down on the sofa.

The TV kept bursting in the background.

"At least switch off the fucking TV" Yoongi shouted from the room.

Jia switched it off before throwing the remote on the floor.

"Waste my hard earned money like that, good" Yoongi shouted again.

"I'm an earning member of this household too. And for fucks sake stop shouting." Jia answered him before getting a cough from all the shouting.

It was after she drank the water that she burst into tears. She sobbed without any noise. She had a habit of talking to herself when she was angry or hurt. Unknown to her Yoongi was sitting behind the door and listening to her every word.

"What does he even know of? I started planning it even before I told him I was ready. For months I envisioned the life we would have with a baby. The possible struggles we would face through the journey. How can he decide what to do with my body? He hasn't gotten any idea what it takes to go through treatment. I saw my sister suffer through that. I'm older it would be so much more harder for me. And I know my body can conceive if I let it be. He has got no idea how much stress I take about it. It's my body which will show symptoms. I know how many times I've convinced myself a certain thing in my body is a pregnancy symptom only to get my period not even a day late than it's supposed to arrive. Only I can notice the change in my breasts or my abdomen or my body temperature. Why does he have to behave like this? And if I can't conceive then we should just bring in someone who doesn't have a family and share our love with that kid." Jia wiped her tears which she couldn't stop from flowing continously. She was immensely hurt by the argument. She had so much bottled up inside her that it burst out now.

Jia didn't realise when she had passed out on the couch. When she woke up Yoongi wasn't there. She only found it out on social media that he was going to Japan. He didn't even talk to her or text her.

For a week she was alone in the house researching about fertility treatments even surrogacy. She knew she had made a firm decision for herself it was her body and her rights to decide what she wanted or not.

She even saw Yoongi saying "I miss Jia" in a video from his impromptu a week in Japan series. He wasn't doing anything except walking and eating in most of the videos.

She had her own schedule in Paris at a fashion event. Since she was inactive on social media for a while she didn't even got to knew Yoongi was invited to the same event until she was at the venue.

Yoongi saw her posing for pictures and shooting videos looking gorgeous in a red silk dress with straps. She looked fucking sexy in the dress and he had been away from her for too long to not get turned on.

The event was a hotel. When he saw her going towards the bathroom he followed her inside and locked the door behind them.

"I'm sorry for everything Jia" He said looking at her in the mirror. Jia raised her eyebrow at him.

"I had my faults too." She replied turning towards him.

"I hadn't imagined that you were going through so much quietly"

"Most men don't"

"I don't wanna be a man like that."

"I love you" Yoongi said touching her hair gently.

"I love you too. I don't like fighting with you Yoongi..." Jia said hugging him.

"And why are you looking so hot today. People were staring."

"Oh come on I don't look that good" Jia chuckled.

"Baby you look so good it makes me want to fuck you" Yoongi whispered in her ear.

"Good for you, I've been feeling really horny since morning." Jia answered biting her lip. Yoongi flipped her around and locked his lips with hers. The kiss was wet and sloppy. He squeezed her breasts then moved his other hand down to her panties, she already had her dressed pulled up. He pushed the fabric to the side and inserted his fingers she was already really wet. He watched her squirm when he pressed her sweet spot.

Jia tried to undo his belt before he took things in his own hand and pulled his pants down. He kissed her again while pushing himself inside her. He made it hard for her to control her mouth from making noises due to his pace and his movements. He wanted to bring her to orgasm as quick as possible.

"This is the first time we're doing it in a public place"

"People might get the idea when they notice our absence" He made her laugh just before she started quivering and finding it hard to keep standing when she felt like melting down. A huge orgasm had taken over her body which made her body shake for a long minute while he came inside her too. He placed the cloth of her underwear back in it's place before wearing his pants and fixing himself up.

"This was specially made for me" he laughed zipping up his pants.

"I should write something about your outfit"

"You're coming to my hotel tonight. I'm gonna fuck you so good..." Jia interrupted him from diving into his fantasy world.

"I have to leave for New York I have a huge work thing there. My flight is at 4am. So fucking isn't a good idea."

"They have that after party thing until 1 which I have to go to. There's no time. When will you come back to Seoul? I have continous shoots after going back home too." Yoongi pursed his lips looking at her with emotional eyes.

"it'll be two to three weeks."

"I'll research about adoption till then. I know this person who can help" Yoongi said.

"Let's talk about it once I'm back. This isn't a good time." Jia said before someone called her and she had to leave.

"Jia... baby are you fine?" Yoongi asked sitting beside her when she didn't wake up even after 11 am. She usually woke up at 6 am and he found her already doing yoga when he got out of bed.

"Nah... I'm not feeling good. Can you just leave me alone? I'm too tired and I just don't feel good." Jia said when he distanced himself from her respecting her space if she wanted it.

"Tell me if you need something."

"Get me a glass of warm water" she replied.

"I know jet lag isn't good" Yoongi said going outside the room and getting warm water for her.

"Drink this" Yoongi said holding her to help her sit. He gave the glass to her and watched her drink the water but she gave it back to him.

"What happened? Is it too hot?"

"It's just making me feel weird. I just wanna sleep. My gut hasn't been good for a while now. Look at all the acne." She said before lying down again.

"I'll be out watching TV just call me if you need anything." Yoongi said going outside without touching her.

It was about an hour after that when Jia came out wearing a red turtle neck jumper and black shorts. Her hair tied up in a bun. Regardless of her attire or anything what concerned Yoongi was her face, she looked pale, with dark circles and her face just didn't glow like usual.

"Jia are you fine please tell me... should we go to a doctor or should I call your doctor?" He asked as she walked to sit down beside him.

"Yoongi... I just took a pregnancy test" Jia said worried about it.

"Are you late?"

"10 days. I thought it was just from the work and everything but then I hadn't counted days after we fought so I just realised I am actually late. I thought I'd tell you if it's positive but then I just couldn't get the courage to see it alone."

"Oh... where is it?" Yoongi raised his eyebrows looking at her hand tightly covering the tester.

Yoongi pressed a kiss on the side of her head before holding her hand and using the other to move her fingers covering the result. Jia sighed in relief when she saw it. Yoongi pulled her close in a tight hug instantly.

"I love you.. I love you so much Jia. I promise I'll do my best at being a father" He kissed her forehead again and held her hands.

"Are you not happy?" He asked her when she was still looking gloomy.

"I'm very happy I just can't show it because I'm not feeling well" Jia said with a little smile.

"You don't have to force yourself to be happy." Yoongi said looking at her.

"I need to eat to nourish the life inside me but I just can't even think about eating. I don't like feeling so sick."

"It'll be okay. Let's talk with your doctor. We would probably get to see the baby on ultrasound soon"

"We need to tell our family"

"First doctor then family. Okay?" Yoongi asked to which Jia nodded agreeing with him.

"I should've trusted you. It did happen naturally and I was so wrong to say those things to you"

"Don't count those things that's all past now"

"Oh god Jia we're gonna have a baby"

When it was their 5th anniversary they hosted a lowkey party at their home with their friends.

"Taehyung I told you to do Permission to dance she likes that one."

Even before Taehyung could begin singing Jungkook already started and Yoongi's younger daughter calmed down and the older danced with him.

"They love uncle jungkook so much" Jungkook said holding 2 year old Min Hana in his hands.

Taehyung was holding 1 year old Min Sol on his lap. He sang Dynamite to her and the little girl moved her waist with the rhythm.

"Look Yoongi what I found" Jia shouted from the room.

"What?"

"This post now has the most likes ever." It was a pic from Jia's pregnancy they were standing in front of a tree wearing sheer cream colored cotton clothes and the caption said 'I surrendered myself to mother nature and she blessed me. Our little girl will come out in october.' She even saw the video from the last walk they took as a couple, she was eight months pregnant and trying to walk slowly with all the weight she had in her belly and the road behind her was full of dry, red, crispy leaves.

"It's already been 2 years since this. I can't believe it. It's been 6 months since we brought Sol home."

"Seems like yesterday we got married."

"I want to post it"

"Okay"

"Really?"

"The world's gonna know somehow. Better if it goes out from us."

"I just want to keep it short. A picture of us with the babies standing between us. I'll do it. You go outside."

Jia finally made a post a candid picture from the evening where Yoongi was sitting with Sol on her lap and Jia was playing with Hana and their cat Molly was sitting lazily on a bean bag.

'Never thought we would be a family of five when we got married five years ago. A home created with love and joy. #YoonJi #Hana #Sol #Molly' she quickly posted it without thinking much about it and went back outside to her family sitting together on their red carpet.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3544

today felt like it was fifteen million years long.

started with a bomb threat at solothurn. then a man threatening to explode himself in paris. and being short-staffed in security. and literally nothing else. it was so boring today, and that's even with my crocheting. plus i was super tired so i did my best to not nod off but that blanket is super cozy.

i don't think i fell asleep. i had my hand on the mouse and i found out that if i get tired, my fingers drop and it right clicks on something. which i don't want to do, so i'll immediately snap back when it happens. it was so tiring today.

BUT i did give jey his gift, which he LOVED! im delighted. he said, "how did you know about my love for cartography??" and i just shrugged. i found them when i was helping him look for furniture and i knew it would fit with the vibes he had going for his apartment, so i got them. i've had them in my car for about two months - since just before i got sick. but yeah, he loves them. and i'm really glad. also it never occurred to me that someone might not love maps?? who the fuck doesn't love maps?????? i mean, i specifically don't like mercator projections but that's because they're fucking terrible. but old maps? that's my SHIT. fuckin love maps. of all kinds. i love maps.

he also repeatedly called me an angel, so that was also very sweet of him. he's a sweetheart. and the funniest part?

he shares joel's birthday.

aaaaanf speaking of joel! our anniversary is tomorrow! five years. five!! longest and healthiest relationship i've ever had, by a significant margin. i was gonna hit up bova's on my way home tomorrow, but i might order some for delivery instead. save myself some time lmao.

anyway, after work i took myself to joann fabrics again to get the correct yarn for coya's blanket. the other yarn i need to return. i also got more embroidery stuff. i'm gonna do some kitchen towels for her. probably put simon on them.

anyway. lots of projects. i work really slowly.

i also got in some more kits! i'm excited!!

time for sleeping.

[polutrope]

Daeron and Maglor, naturally

Well promising I'd be brief was a mistake. I've tried.

DAERON

one aspect about them i love

He's the best at what his people (the Teleri) are best at (music) but he's *also* a loremaster and inventor. Daeron as Telerian Fëanor agenda.

one aspect i wish more people understood about them

He's a sympathetic character.

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have about this character

He was born in the time the Teleri were waiting for Thingol to return. His parents were not great parents, and he was also very in love with the land, so he decided not to follow them when they left with Olwe. Thingol (his patron) and Melian (his teacher) are somewhat of parental figures for him. His parents were killed in the First Kinslaying, though he never learns this.

Because he never sails west (unless it suits me to write that he does lol).

one character i love seeing them interact with

Maglor, obviously 😁. But also Lúthien. Honestly I'll take anyone, he doesn't get enough fic.

one character i wish they would interact with/interact with more

Melian. Ainu and minstrel, it's perfect. Last I checked Hearken Still Unsated is the only fic tagged Daeron & Melian (not that others don't exist... even in Hearken it's a secondary relationship but I do think it's an important one).

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have that involve them and one other character

His relationship with Melian is complicated. She taught him but he never completely trusts her or the Ainur generally. He loves and respects her and Thingol, but he's too smart not to question authority.

MAGLOR

one aspect about them i love

At least for me, he represents the ability to make a different choice: pitying and raising Elrond and Elros, breaking the oath (even if he doesn't - or does he?), casting away the Silmaril; to walk away, to let go, to keep living. If I may quote myself:

“For how many years," Maglor asks, "have we two listened for the echoes of the Music of Creation in the oceans and lakes and rivers? And yet we will never be sated. Like the water in which they say it lives, the Song does not rest but ever moves and changes. It cannot be known. It is the same for all who call Arda home, whether Elf or Man or any other creature that lives. Even, I think, for the Ainur. It may pool in a great lake for an age and then pour down into the Sea in another. It fills whatever spaces it can and flows by whatever paths most easily open before it.”

Moonlight paints a white line down Daeron’s neck as it turns towards him. “You do not believe then that all was sung to completion before Time?”

“Perhaps. I don’t know. I have given up on the desire to know.”

one aspect i wish more people understood about them

He's a warrior. He's terrifying. He's "commander gold-cleaver". His songs are probably almost all about glorifying the great deeds of the Noldor, even when they are laments. (Highly recommend the last addition to this post!)

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have about this character

He tried to be an inclusive and collaborative leader with his brothers during Maedhros' captivity, which ended up being a disastrous approach to crisis management so he never secured formal authority as leader of the Fëanorians. Basically a 30-year leadership crisis. Thus their inability to accomplish much.

He never sails west. His disembodied voice is still here 😉.

one character i love seeing them interact with

Daeron, of course.

one character i wish they would interact with/interact with more

Finrod. I don't care if this relationship has very thin canonical support, I just like them together in all modes. It's thematically satisfying and also hot.

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have that involve them and one other character

With almost everyone he's very confident (read: a cocky little shit) but he loses this around Maedhros, especially after Thangorodrim. They love each other but it's not the healthiest relationship. They are quite capable of bringing out the worst in each other. I'm a supporter of the Maglor and Caranthir being close agenda. I think hanging with Caranthir is much more relaxing (for both of them) and they often do during the siege years.

[smol-grey-tea]

Incredibly personal, self indulgent fic, mildly out of character (I hate writing for pre-existing characters, especially dialogue, I feel like I can never make it sound like the character themself). Contains references to eating disorders.

Yuri confronts Tei about his nighttime activities

The whole house was quiet in the dead of night. Bedrooms contained the sound of snoring whilst the kitchen's clock ticked on. The low buzz of electricals was barely audible, low enough that Yeonho could sleep soundly under the blanket on the living room couch.

But creeping out from the shadows, daring to disturb the peace, came the sounds from the bathroom. Running water and the flushing of a toilet. Then a short period of quiet.

When Tei stepped out finally, he was relieved to see that although Yeonho tossed and turned, the sound hadn't disturbed him, and the whole house seemed to still be asleep. Another night successful. After briefly hesitating at Eri's door, Tei returned to his room, satisfied.

"What were you doing?" Yuri. Of course. He was awake.

Tei simply sighed and ignored him, settling back into bed.

"You did this last night too. And the night before. I don't think you're sick, you don't look it."

... He heard? And not just this night, but before? He thought the walls were more soundproof than that, or that the sound from the magical girl animes Yuri watches would have sufficed for covering it up.

"... It's none of your business."

"But it is my business. I know how messed up you are and it's my business if you hurt the owner. So I thought you were doing something bad but I'm not even sure anymore what this is about."

"It's not anything that hurts her, so don't worry about that." He was too tired to argue too much.

"Then if it's not that, then what is it? Because you're doing it on purpose, aren't you? I think I've heard of this before, but I'm not sure I I understand. I don't understand why anyone would do something like that."

"If you want to hear something that'll really keep you happy, it's not anything bad or harmful at all. In fact, I'm doing you a favour. This is all helping-"

Tei was interrupted by the painful growling of his own stomach. He winced but did nothing to protest, laying calmly, staring at the ceiling ahead and continued. He didn't know why the felt compelled to answer honestly for a change.

"You already know what I'm truly like so there's no point in hiding that now. All of that dirtiness...that monstrousness... It all sits inside of me.

"It's inside me. So if I can manage to get what's inside of me on the outside...perhaps the dirtiness might go with it...

"Not all of it. I can never be fully cured, I'm beyond completely saving. But it's only right that I should do what I can, for the sake of the owner. This will help."

"That's..." Yuri paused... "just...factually inaccurate."

"... But you don't know that. How can you know that? I have to keep doing this to keep the owner safe from me. As much as I can."

"No, I don't know much. And I know I'll never understand you. But what I do understand is taking care of your body. Your body must be nourished properly to help it become beautiful, like me. You must feed it with the healthiest homemade food and groom it regularly.

"I don't know much about that 'dirty' thing you talk about, I just get that you're messed up. But ruining your body like that is not gonna make it any better, it's gonna make you feel so much worse."

Tei was silent, a little bit dumbfounded.

Yuri, being the only one who knows even the slightest sliver of his true self, would surely be pleased to hear that he's trying his best to diligently stay as clean as he can for the owner. And yet, in the darkness, he can see in his face the expression of a man who isn't mildly impressed in the slightest.

"... Why are you giving me advice like that? Telling me what to do? Like you care how I'm feeling."

"But it's as I said. It is my business, as it relates to the owner. As much as I hate to admit it, you are an essential part of my honey's life, one that cannot easily be replaced. So if you end up getting hurt or something, it's a problem for her, so it's a problem for me too."

"What, so you want me to stop? This is a good thing."

"Whatever. I'll never understand you and I don't want to. Do what you want.

"But don't act like this is the right thing when all its doing is harming you. You're doing it because you think it's right, but the stress on your body makes you feel even worse. So you're more likely to mess up and lose control, right?"

Oh... Now, slowly, he was getting it.

Tei remembered reading a statistic somewhere that the majority of calorie intake is used up by the brain. Yknow, the thing that controls decision making? If he wanted to control his impulses around Eri, he would want to be as clear headed as possible to prevent the worst outcome from coming true.

"... Well, if you're so clever, then...what am I supposed to do?"

"Ugh, I don't know, don't ask me. Go ask someone else. Just as long as you don't hurt the owner in the end, fine. Go and see some professional to help you, that's what they're there for."

"No one can fix me..."

"Well it's not like your way of fixing it was doing anything, maybe you just haven't tried anything else yet. Even if it doesn't work, just try it. Just don't come any closer to hurting my honey like you know you want to oh so badly."

"... I'll think about it." Well, what was there to say?

"No, you won't. You're not just gonna think about it, you're gonna do it. I'm going to look into it as soon as I have chance after work tomorrow."

"You can't just do something like that, I don't even have time for it anyway, I'm always working."

"Then quit, fine. I make enough for the six of us so it'll be fine to do this."

"You can't just make me quit my job."

"Then stay weird and messed up like that forever and end up hurting the owner in the end. Do you have a choice? None of us here want her to get hurt. So you get help or you get out. And seeing how you're so essential here, getting out doesn't sound like the best decision."

Tei could only sigh. He was too tired and hungry to think too hard. He simply felt thankful that no one else could see how much of an advantage Yuri held over him in secret, knowing his darker side. However, he was grateful that Yuri's reputation led to people tending to side with Tei in their arguments.

He didn't know what to do. When he'd originally discovered his method of purifying himself, he felt relieved to find some peace of mind, that he could physically see the disgusting thoughts leaving his body. He slept soundly, lullabied by his empty stomach, knowing that he was doing what he could to keep his owner pure.

But now he knew how helpful his coping mechanism really was.

He didn't want to think about it. He was repulsed by the idea of stopping, but considering other methods perhaps wouldn't be so bad?

He was too hungry to think. His mouth tasted like today.

"I'll think about it in the morning," he decided, turning over to face the wall.

"Fine. Don't forget."

He would like to forget, but he knew somehow that it would be years before he could ever forget such an earth-shattering conversation.

[toribookworm22]

Hey, guys.

Tomorrow will be two weeks.

And I've just reached a point where I really want to share what's happened. And I trust you guys.

This is a long emotional journal-entry of a post. I'm hiding it under the cut. Love you guys.

So here goes:

I've had the same best friend for seven years. Which is incredibly impressive, especially for someone like me who moved around a lot-- particularly in her youth. I don't normally get to keep friends very long. But I got to keep him.

For seven years, I got to keep him. I got to keep him when I didn't love myself. I got to keep him when other people broke my heart and my trust. I got to keep him in dark times and in light. I got to keep him even when I broke his heart-- several times might I add-- because I was just so confused. I got to keep him through endings and beginnings. I got to keep him even when I gave him a clean out. I got to keep him when I finally got answers about myself.

I got to keep him.

Things were messy between us sometimes, convulted and strange and hard to explain.

He liked me and I confused myself into thinking I liked him back and then realized that wasn't true more than once. But we aired everything out. And then I figured out I was aro and we were perhaps the healthiest and happiest we'd been in five years.

He met a girl. I could tell how much he liked her, how happy she made me. I told him to just ask her out already. He did and they started dating.

And everything was fine. They were happy. I talked to the girl a couple times, but that didn't even matter, because he was just happy.

I didn't hear from him for a few months, but no big deal, because that's how we were sometimes. But I reached out. Because I was supposed to see him this summer.

I was supposed to see him for the first time in five years.

He said we needed to talk.

And I. Just knew.

I just knew.

His girlfriend had asked him to stop talking to me. And he had. Until now. Until this singular time that he went behind her back to talk to me and used it to ask what he was supposed to do.

So I called him.

And I cried over the phone for almost an hour.

He wanted to just keep going behind her back and talking to me. He wanted us both in his life. He didn't want to have to make a decision.

And because I refuse to be the bad guy, to be the villain in his story ever again, I told him no. I told him that wasn't an option. I told him,

I'm going to hang up now.

Goodbye.

This boy who helped me love myself. This boy who picked up my pieces after they were broken. This boy who has a damn acknowledgment in my very first novel. This boy who I believed to be one of the best people that I have ever known and who I will forever love no matter what.

He made me break my own heart.

He made me make the decision.

He made me hang up.

I will forever and always wish him the best. Sincerely, I hope he's happy. I hope he gets everything he could ever hope for and the life he's always wanted. I do. I really do.

If he returns to my life, I'll forgive him.

But with two weeks of pain and seven years of hindsight just building, I can't help but think that I'm getting to a point where I may not let him back in. I may not be able to.

I may have to decide that I get to be selfish and think of myself and my own heart for once.

And choose me.

[thedragonagelesbian]

(After Here Lies the Abyss)

Solas: Cyrus, have you been sleeping well as of late?

Cyrus: Yes. Why do you ask?

Solas: I had thought to visit you in your dreams, as I have previously done with Gwendolyn. You are no mage, nor do you possess the Anchor to tie you to the Fade, but you have spent your whole life surrounded by magic. I assumed it would be easy to locate you. When I did not, I wondered if something else might have been keeping your mind from the Fade. The stress of becoming Inquisitor, perhaps.

(if Varric is in the party)

Varric: Nope. He sleeps like a baby every time. Practically the healthiest thing about him.

(otherwise)

Cyrus: It's kind of funny. Despite everything, getting a good night's rest has always been easy for me.

Solas: And your dreams have been good as well?

Cyrus: That I'm less sure about. I never remember my dreams.

Solas: Never?

Cyrus: Not since I was a child, I think. Perhaps they're all just really boring. I'm not a mage, after all.

Solas: Yet you are still an elf. You still connect with the Fade when you sleep, however distantly. You should retain some faint impression of those visits... Curious.

--

(After Return to Kirkwall)

Cyrus: Solas, I thought you should know, when I said I don't remember my dreams, that wasn't strictly true. They were more vivid after Adamant. Still... distant, but I would wake up with these lingering feelings. A vague notion that I was being chased, or some dull sense of comfort.

Solas: It stands to reason that our physical trip through the Fade strengthened your connection to it, though what could have weakened that connection in the first place is still a mystery to me.

Cyrus: That's actually why I bring it up again. They, um... It's probably unrelated, but it stopped again after visiting Kirkwall.

Solas: That's... Hm. I'm not sure what to make of that, actually. Magical phenomena in places where the Veil is thin are one thing, but to elicit such an acute yet pronounced effect... I'll have to think on this more.

--

Cyrus: You know, Merrill has studied my... situation, if you want to compare notes with her.

Solas: I have seen Merrill's 'notes' before. Factual inaccuracies and wild speculation aside, I don't have much use for deciphering page after page of doodles to eventually reach some small, genuine insight.

Cyrus: (irritated) Next time, just say 'no, I'd rather not' instead of insulting ma kitleth.

(if Sera is in the party)

Sera: Plus, her drawings make way more sense than any of your scribblings.

Solas: Come again?

Sera: Your stuff is all blah blah blah, magic this, Fade that, theoretical techniques for the primal manipulation of your mother's arse. Daisy's stuff fits, all the right lines in all the right places. You just gotta squint a bit.

Cyrus: You've... read Merrill's notes?

Sera: Skimmed 'em a couple of times. Gotta know the best place to put the dick drawings!

[tanaka-asuka-san]

I think my mental health is at an all time low.

Read if you want, but it's me rambling about my depression for multiple paragraphs. You are more than welcome to ignore this.

At 32 years old, I've never had a meaningful romantic relationship. The closest I've ever come was awful for myself and one of the worst "first relationships" I feel anyone can go through. They had just gotten out of multiple back to back long term relationships and after asking them out, I was told that they also liked me but wanted an open relationship because they wanted to be free to date whoever they wanted for a while. Me being so happy that someone actually returned my feelings in any way, I insisted I was okay with it to my own detriment. I never felt like I was enough and I ended up not being the person they stayed with at the end, so I guess I was right.

My cat is 16 years old and is not the healthiest. He's about the only thing that keeps me going most days and I know he doesn't have a lot of time left. I really don't know what will happen after he's gone and if I think about it too much I break down.

I work in a call center for tech support because it's that, retail, food service, or manual labor. I've been passed up for promotions 5 times now in the 3 years I've been there. A couple of those by people who were less experienced and less reliable. But they wait hand and foot on management and I refuse to do that. I ask relevant questions and push back against changes that will negatively affect my department, my job, and my team. But upper management doesn't want that. Can't think for yourself, just do exactly what they want when they want and question nothing. I'm good at my job and the only thing it gets me is fuck all.

And to top it off, I've learned recently that within the next year or so, the home that I thought I finally had, won't be my home anymore. Will we even be able to pay off the mortgage by selling the house? Doubtful. The housing market is shit right now. I feel like there are other options but it seems like I'm the only one who feels that way. That was honestly my breaking point. I've cried so many times this week and I doubt that will be stopping. I can't start over again. I just can't. I'm just so tired, every fucking day, and I don't know why I even try anymore. The continue screen costs more coins every day and it feels like I'm running out.

I've been depressed for nearly 2 decades now and honestly it doesn't even feel like depression anymore. I feel empty every day of my life. I have no goals, no aspirations, and any I had when I was young have long since died. I don't even know who I am as a person. I just sit in my basement cycling between vtuber streams, games, anime, and books, all to keep myself out of my own head. I just don't know what the point is anymore.

I've always been the person who does their best to help their friends when they're going through shit and telling them that it'll get better. But all this time I've never been able to look at myself in the mirror and say the same thing. I'm so fucking fake.

I just needed to put my thoughts and pain somewhere because if I don't, I'll fucking explode. Who am I? I certainly don't know.

[annieshouldbewriting]

Really Good, Actually by Monica Heisey #BreakupBookReviews

I know countless other women have been in my shoes before. There's nothing earth-shattering about a girl navigating her first heartbreak and looking to literature for help figuring out WTF comes next, or to feel less alone.

My partner of five years leaving me was not on my 2023 bingo card, especially considering just a week before, she was promising me that we were going to be together forever (but I'm 99% sure there is somebody else). Ouch. I truly thought she was the one for me.

How does someone who loved you for so long walk away so easily? How do you accept that someone you trusted so completely lied to you and broke that trust? How do you cope when you're the one left behind to pick up the shattered pieces of your heart, while they get to be happy and move on like nothing happened?

All questions I'm sure every girl has asked herself after being dumped.

In an effort to answer these questions for myself, and to return to something I love and that is wholly mine, untainted by my relationship, I turned back to my true first love: books.

Narratively, Really Good, Actually isn't for everyone. Many Goodreads users dislike our protagonist, Maggie, but I reveled in the messiness Heisey portrayed. Let's be real; not every woman walks out of her breakup with her head held high and is able to drink her matcha lattes while writing in her manifestation journal and hitting the gym to "find herself" again.

Maggie's kind of a mess. She sleeps with her ex's best friend, is trying to figure out her sexuality through a series of disastrous dates and a disappointing almost-threesome, refuses to go to therapy, and arguably is a bad friend. And while it's frustrating to read, it was also liberating for me. It made me feel less alone. I might not be in full-on self-sabotage mode like Maggie, but I was able to relate to some of her faults.

Her anxiety. Her need to feel loved. Her not being strong and begging to be given another change.

Yet, we do see Maggie grow. After her ex refuses to show up to a couple's counseling appointment Maggie schedules to aid in the process of divorce, she strikes a relationship with the therapist and becomes a regular patient. After being a bad friend, she works on changing her actions and behaviors and makes apologies to those she's hurt. When she sees her ex with Janet - their beloved cat - on the bus, she gets off at the next stop and waits for a new bus.

She's not perfect. She doesn't deal with the breakup in the healthiest of ways. But she's human.

That's what I loved about Heisey's novel. Maggie felt real. I felt validated in some of the spiraling thoughts I'm having. It felt like having a - albeit, much messier - friend going through this breakup with me. And it gave me hope that one day, I'll heal too.

If you're going through a breakup, pick up Really Good, Actually for a read. The way I see it, you'll either relate to Maggie and feel seen, be so relieved you don't relate to Maggie that you can congratulate yourself on handling your breakup better, or be so pissed off at her that you'll forget about your own worries for a while. Any way, a win's a win, right?

[captainkurosolaire]

And as I gave stare to my revelation; death is a part of life. Saying goodbye is the only way to find that hello again.

It’s agonizing to let that cradle of delicacy let loose to the wind, that last small fragile divine petal you clutched from something you once bloomed. I failed to tell what was necessary, that indeed it was necessary to me when it was under the process of nurturing and mattered. There isn’t an enemy that compares to the one crafted by your own projection. Many come and paint your flaws from the outsides of their own discern with invasion, with the vaguest of details to what covers your raw authenticity. Pain is knowing when your naive and young and anticipating the future when you have all the answers to become your peak. It was easier to be imaginative and solely a dreamer, where fun coexisted and miserableness wasn’t a fret. However, even when that moment comes, you’re just as helpless as back then until you suffer the blows, ate rejections, took stride in those separating lines from being adequate or otherwise, just --- enough. Then even when you finally gather that experience become hardened and headstrong it becomes an infectious cycle where now, it’s a realm where you look on the opposite reflection to where you stood in the beginning and if you could’ve answered quicker, done better, did anything else to solve dilemmas that you could’ve prevented outcomes that left you defeated and distraught and carrying silence that unaltered you from growth. Even points of your day’s become your comparisons of how those mini moments of you, were variations of when happiness was your wield and that which you represented, stood behind, gave you every validation that this is your definitive purpose. Sickness and weakness holds so much more power than one could envision. If you find yourself under that storm and brave through there’s a magnitude of insight to be found, I learned personally. I ran through a forest incurable and inevitably hopeless, my very vitality is continuously deteriorating, I should’ve been consumed a long time ago. There’s so many things that are sold temporarily, promises, medicated prescriptions, innovative procedures. They all battle against the incurable to be remedy, even against a phantom of unheard... but there’s never anything concrete or guaranteed in this life. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- This boils down to the discovery of genuine acceptance. Which I can explain my meaning. I can’t rely on dining in the Past or Future. The only thing that can be spoken too and fought equally is the Present. Through this enchanting voyage I left a lot of memories to be cherished for lifetimes and with what I’ve produced and shared, eventually I came conflicted of doubt  if I’d ever measure to what I once drew or a piece I did and I believe what I often pulled and was inspired was philosophies of all that I had observance. I wanted to channel and funnel that same energy to aspire to entertain and propel; give the rise of the tides. It meant a world of mine to give and was always my every honor to hear I succeeded sometimes to be even in thoughts or mentioned. It gave me indescribable strength. I love my followers, my peers, friends, truly. I legitimately became painless, nearly invincible, sometimes through all the sharing and writing. All the inspirations constantly kept me fulfilled and mind over matter seemed to be my cure. But I’m not good with asking for help when it matters or involving anyone with me. I like lifting and throwing others to fly other than soaring aside. That cost me, because ignoring still netted me hospitals and gave rise to worry anyway and only delayed and caused more damage than anything. In-turn leaving me in the distance from a lot that I would consider my treasures, my importance. It took sunlight's and days to continue creating and building here in this shade as friendly as home. It feels so right. I felt empowered under this sky. If I’m to shine and light anything like I did once, or to continue the only way I can do that is by letting go of being here. As I mentioned this is difficult to walk away because of what I placed. But all that remainder of energy, I’m going to use on building my vitality and living use this as my catalyst, my passion and anchor. By setting this as a harbor, I have every reason to return one-day against all the upcoming struggles my journey is going to set me on. I’ve little to regret if this is where my epitaph ends. Like my beginning. This necessary goodbye is the only way I’ll be rewarded with a hello. That drives me to sail.

[randomkposts]

Happy birthday Desmond. If you guys are reading me on of of my accounts, you will know that I post a one shot story for Desmonds birthday. And I wanted to add something to it this year, and put something up here as well. So, I don't think I'm going to finish this, or at the least not in the direction this inital one is going, but enjoy what is written, if you like. Featuring Soulmark words AU, fed up with the hetronormitivity in the world ace-aro Clay, contemplative Desmond, and my stab at first person PoV.

-----

They didn't tell you my name

---

Why are people so much more comfortable seeing violence portrayed then sex? I've seen people wonder that, but never really got why they wondered. Violence has always been an open subject. Long ago, public hangings used to be the sort of event that you brought the family out for. Yep, nothing like a good old public hanging. Nowadays, we don't have that, so now people block traffic to look at a car crash, and crowd the accident sites. It sickens me.

Violence has always been a part of our culture, how we indulge in it is optional.

Sex, that's a big part humanities culture too, always there, but that's always something that seems to have been intended to be private, yet nosey creature that we are, constantly poke our nose into each others business.

People always want to know who you're sleeping with. We see it in the rich elite, like royals and celebrities. We see it in homophobia , people expressing the opinion that same sex or whatever, is not someone you should sleep with.  We see it expressed in Racism, and health class, and the media. We hear love songs played across the radio every day, see them on the tv, in our books, in our dreams.

It's suffocating.

Let me tell you, I'm sick of it.

Don't even get me started on words.

Words. Said to be uttered by your other half.  Personally I've always thought, no one should be stuck in a relationship with a price of themselves.  That would drive me nuts. I'm not a good person, and I already don't make me happy. Why do I need another.

Besides, I've seen plenty of people who can't stand their "other half".  My parents, I'll have you know, love each-other somehow, that's not my reason for being sick of all the talk about love.

No, to tell you the truth, I'm asexual, and have never been Romantically inclined.

I know there are other worlds out there, and that's why I'm so bitter about it.

Somewhere out there, in some happier universe is a me with no words on his arm.

Someone who does not know, one day he will meet his match, and have to live up to all the expectations, he or she has.

Someone who hasn't spent their life preparing to meet "the ONE"

It starts with words. Parents encourage their kids to be as unique with their words as possible. It is expected that upon meeting anyone new, no matter what you were doing, or how late you were running, that you shout your words.  And so off we go, shouting things like "I can fit 300 French fries in my mouth!" To everyone we meet.

But really, everything in life has the soulmate component attached to it.

"Work out! Be the healthiest person you can be, and have a healthy soulmate when you meet."

"Study hard and have a Career your soulmate will be proud of."

It drove me nuts. I didn't want a soulmate, particularly one whose culmination of creativity is to announce "sixteen " upon seeing me.

That was before Abstergo. 

Before I found out Sixteen meant imprisonment.

Before I planned my death.

Honestly it was probably one of the Templars.

I'm very bitter about that.

The perfect soulmate that I was supposed to strive to be the best person I could be for, was someone who would imprison me. Who wanted nothing from me but my genetic memories.

My word in return, is "NO"

I'm not Sixteen. My Name is Clay!

--------

Quite a shock you've suffered out there

---

I've always wondered who would talk about the eye of providence, and what that has to do with seventeen.  Why was it drawn, and the number written out.

Was my soulmate a conspiracy theorist? A Freemason? Heavily religious?

Why was all of it not spelled? Is soulmate mute? I used to wonder a lot about my soulmate. People told me that I was lucky, that I had an interesting soulmate.

But I never thought I would meet my soulmate.

I didn't get to meet much of anyone cooped up in the farm.

And so ,on my sixteenth birthday , I left the farm. I didn't want to be trapped there anymore, and I  figured that if there was any year I would meet my soulmate, it would be that one or the next. But it was coming. I was convinced of that. And I intended to meet them somewhere else.

By the time I had reached eighteen, I had stopped looking. The world was larger than I had ever thought, and I wasn't ready to settle for anyone or anything. I would make my own impact in the world, without them.

When I was twenty five, I got a motorcycle licence legitimately. That turned out to be my undoing.

I found out what Seventeen meant. No one talked to me about the eye of providence, that I could remember. No one wrote anything to me either.

Seventeen meant it was probably a Templar.

I did see one drawn out once. It was drawn on the ground, where my head rested on the animus. It's what caught my attention on to the rest of the glyphs. The writing was familiar. The same style as what was on my ankle.

But who had put them there and Why? 

I don't know that I want to know the answer. 

---

It's not the last of the messages. Everytime I look, outside of the Animus, there are new ones. One a day, the first one I find in the Animus. The glyphs grow up my leg and across my chest. Some days it's morse code and music notes from rifts. 

It's confusing, because I am increasingly certain my soulmate is dead. Subject Sixteen, no other name given. I am increasingly unsure of how to ask for his name. That would complicate things with Lucy, and Lucy is already a pretty complex relationship. But I keep looking for the messages he has left behind. 

Apparently Sixteen went crazy, and killed himself. These messages are not rambling of a sane person. Then again, a sane person would probably not believe let alone join Templars or Assassins. So maybe it's a better match than it looks. I was raised in a cult that he was crazy enough to join. 

Society builds up soulmates as this big life altering romance, with all this One nonsense, but the way I grew up taught about it, its two people destined to meet. Friends, enemies, lovers, your meeting is going to impact your life in a way no other will. Save maybe family. But family doesn't tend to end up soulmates.

Seventeen could have been from a templar. Being kidnapped and ending up in a coma would be pretty life changing before I died. Not in a good way. 

Maybe in a different life, he joined the Assassins, and I never left, and his biggest impact on my life is as my best friend. Maybe in some other life, he became a templar and we played a long game of cat and mouse, trying to kill each other. Maybe in some life without soulmarks, we both meet at a bar and have some kind of life changing conversation. 

I like to think of the maybes, as I don't see any future for us now. 

He said hope is lost. To find Eve in Eden. And to find him in the darkness.  

I can't think of any meaning for the last, which isn't terrifying. 

---

[fairycosmos]

hi lovely!! i hope you drank a lot of water today and got shit done :) this has been bothering me so much lately but my girlfriend is mad at me for not being able to talk about my feelings and i'm not sure how to start because shutting out trauma has been my coping mechanism for so long and i'm afraid once i start i'll collapse

hey :) tbh i think you need to start by explaining this to your girlfriend and asking for her patience/understanding while you come to terms with what it means to open up to somebody. dealing with trauma and the past is not easy, and it’ll be a gradual process more than a sudden one, you know? if you’re both on the same page about that, then it’ll feel a little less stressful. genuine communication is key. i guess, maybe you could begin properly by practicing trust exercises with your partner and with yourself. write about your feelings so that you get used to admitting to them. trust her with small, unimportant things and then begin to build up to more serious topics. examine what you’re so scared of, and then think about the likelihood of it actually happening in reality. always remember to ground yourself in rationality instead of letting your past experiences overwhelm you. recognize that shutting yourself off from the people who care about you is just another way to keep everything locked up inside, just a mechanism that enables your self hatred/mental issues rather than confronting or solving them. it’s easy to accept all of this as a concept but actually changing your perception and your actions will take a lot of time and mental effort/energy, and that’s okay. it won’t always be simple or straight forward, but just the fact that you want to be honest with her is a wonderful start. 

also i know this like isn’t what you want to hear but, i think you should expect some version of ‘collapsing.’ when you open up, when you talk about the things that hurt, for a moment it makes it all feel very real and raw, but thats also the healthiest way to process and accept it for what it is. and it will hurt, of course. it’s allowed to. it’s alright to cry and to be angry and upset, it’s alright to experience negative emotions. it’s how you cope with them that counts the most. when you’ve spent your whole life building up these walls, and utilizing these counterproductive defense mechanisms, it’ll feel almost impossible to change at first. but it’s not. while you may have all of these painful and conflicting thoughts/feelings/ideas, what you actually physically do will always be up to you. whether or not you try to trust your girlfriend is still in your hands, and trying is good enough. hopefully your girlfriend will understand that, because her support is crucial at this time - she has to let you overcome this at your own pace, in your own way. while small arguments and disagreements are common, she shouldn’t guilt you or make you feel overly bad about it. while it’s natural for her to want you to trust her, and if she’s trusting you then obviously she expects the same in return, but it should always be both of you against the problem instead of against each other (yeah i sound like a bad marriage counselor, but it’s true.)

above all though, i really really think seeking professional help is the best option for you. if this is impacting your mental well being and your level of overall satisfaction with your life, then you have every right to seek support. please don’t just let your mind brush the idea off, because it sounds like you’ve been through some stuff - it sounds like you need a bit of guidance. leaning on your girlfriend is a great place to start, but she’s not a substitute for actual therapy. talk to your doctor to see if he/she can refer you to someone, or look for facilities/support groups in your area. facing up to the past, confronting the deeply rooted issues in your mindset, listening to a professionals opinion, having a place where you can rant and be open/honest, incorporating medical advised coping mechanisms into your daily routine - all of that will make a massive difference. it will change the way you actively see things over time. i know it’s daunting. i know it’s terrifying, and i know it’s a lot easier said than done. but you are so much fuckin stronger than you think you are. if you break down you will not become a broken person. you will grow, adapt and make peace with whatever life throws at you, especially if you choose to make a change now, or at least to consider it. you are not alone, and just because it was easier to stay silent in the past, doesn’t mean that’s the case in the present. i believe in you w all my heart and i hope you and your gf are able to make it through. i’m sure you will. it’s just a matter of time, honesty and patience with yourself. i’m sending you a lot of love and i’ll always be here if you need someone, just let me know. also thank you so much for being so sweet, i appreciate it a lot. i hope ur taking care of yourself too

[lightsorigins]

Fluctuations

 When he opened his eyes, Malden remained as straight as a board. He stared at the bedroom ceiling for a few seconds before turning his head to the window. The shutters were wide open. Yet he remembered that Kieran had closed them the night before. It didn't matter. He stood up slowly and felt the icy cold of the systemic dawn make him shiver. It was around nine o'clock, the sun was rising. Even slower than he was, he thought. Malden knew that it was not easy to be more phlegmatic than he was.

      - Except you, Mr. Sun," he murmured, still leaning out the window.

      He lost himself in his thoughts for a few minutes. Now that he'd had a good time with his friend, he'd have to think about going home and face his mother's wrath for allowing himself to leave the day before. What an idea to get up so early! He remembered very well that sleep had come late, and fatigue would quickly overcome him during the day. Malden turned and saw Kieran lying on his back, his blanket over part of his body diagonally. He was sleeping with his mouth open and snoring so loudly he could have woken a dragon. The sight made him chuckle.

      Discreetly, he collected his things, put on his shoes, and left the apartment without waking anyone. He put on his headphones and played "How Long Can I Go" by "Sam Celentano". Once outside, several options came to mind. There was a park north of Lausya, where he often went to play sports. He also had a painting he had started and wanted to finish. However, the longer he stayed outside, the more problems he would have to deal with when he returned.

      - It's up to me. I can go to the park and do push-ups. Take up my painting, knowing that I might run into mom. Maybe I can give Sylva a call and see if I can't come over early. I could have stayed at Kieran's, but now that I'm out, I'm not going to wake him up to come back... And seeing as he's asleep, he won't wake up, that's for sure, he concluded by putting his hand on his face.

      Malden suddenly noticed that he had a few unread messages. Naturally, these were from his mother. The most important one was this:

"I don't appreciate your attitude lately. We'll have a discussion as soon as you get home. You know there are rules to follow in this house, and they apply to everyone, even you! »

      The first response that came to mind was "You never liked my attitude, and you never understood me. "But he found it too tiring to get into a conflict with her. It was better not to escalate the situation. Akane, his mother, had been an adventurer during her youth. During certain periods, it happened that she went on adventures for a few weeks with her old group of friends. She is a Gial (Earth) atmologist, focused on the Veltôs (Control) path, and her atmology is an ochre red. At a very young age, Akane received a strict and hard education, and also underwent many hazing which forged her character for sure. She has never been an example of softness. This hard and uncompromising character made communication with Malden particularly complicated over the years.

      It didn't matter in the end. Malden decided to get on his way and go home. He might as well face Mother Dragon as quickly as possible to put out the flames. Unfortunately, it didn't take much for his mood to be affected. These expressions from his mother reminded him how lonely he felt in his family, despite the good relationship he had with his sister Sawako, and his brother Hayate. He always ended up being seen as too intense, too whiny or touchy and moody. When he thought about it, however, Malden knew that factually he lacked nothing. He was a healthy, rather good-looking young man, good at a few subjects, athletic, with a group of sympathetic and understanding friends, a certain amount of freedom in his personal life, and so on. However, it seemed that something was missing.

      It was as if there was a void somewhere. A fear of not living up to his own image, or of failing at what he could do. He was so special that he could be admired for the strangeness of his thoughts and artistic productions, but also stigmatized, and found "weird", or "unapproachable", to use terms he had heard about himself. Yet he longed to be accepted for who he was, without becoming like everyone else.

    When he opened the door to the apartment, he expected to find his mother getting ready for work. Instead, he found Sawako sitting in the kitchen. She was having breakfast: a glass of hot delicatessen milk with a little pethmergale sugar. The whole thing made the milk look dark and creamy. She was reading a manga while smoking a cigarette.

      - Hi! he said. I didn't think you'd be here at this hour. I thought I'd find Mom instead.

 -      Nah, she left pretty early this morning to buy some stuff. I don't think she's gonna be back for a while. Where did you go anyway? Kieran's?

      - Yeah. We wanted to watch "Alvist Wars" quietly, but Isaac had come into my room yesterday to snoop on something. I yelled at her, she got involved and... well, you know mom.

      - Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, she wasn't too happy about it. In fact, she was angry that you broke like that. I understand, but you could have avoided it, or told me about it. I would have tempered the situation a bit, you know how I usually do.

      - I know, but Kieran kind of rushed me, I didn't have much time to make my decision. I've done this plenty of times before, but it seems like yesterday was worse than usual. Why is that?

      - Didn't Mom tell you what we have to do tonight?

      - No?

      - Okay, too weird. Well, actually we're supposed to go to Welliyo with Dad, Mom and Helen to see Melva. Maybe there's some news about her memory, but nothing transcendent you know.

      Malden hiccupped in surprise and recoiled slightly. He felt stupid, but also excluded for not having been kept in the loop.

      - Is she serious? Why didn't she tell me?

      - I think she was going to propose to you yesterday.

      - Suggesting me the day before for the day after? What if I had something to do? Yes, I would have canceled. I would cancel anything to go see Melva, but still.

      - Anyway, chances are that's why she's so upset about your escapade yesterday. You should just apologize and tell her you'll be there tonight, if you want to be safe. I'll cover for you, but do what I say. I mean, I'll figure out how to fix it, I'll improvise.

      - And you think you can get Isaac to stop making my life miserable?

      - Don't worry, I'll work it out by ruining his. There are a few things he and I need to discuss. He's still asleep, but I'm setting him up for a real wake-up call.

      - You're handling it, thanks. I have to go see Sylvania this afternoon. Do you think you can handle that too?

      - Consider it done," Sawako replied, winking at him. 

 Malden knew he could always count on her in many circumstances. At 27 years old, she was the oldest of her siblings, and therefore the one with the authority right after her parents. And fortunately, Sawako had a lot in common with Malden. Both of them were very sensitive and attached to their deepest values, but Sawako tended to be more withdrawn and passive than her brother. She was a specialist in the art of running away and saying nothing, letting go, sleeping and lazing around. Beyond her studies in water atmology, she loved to write poetry, fiction, and play video games with horror, romance, and role-playing themes. At least that's what her mother told her. Malden, on the other hand, was much more active and enjoyed going out, shopping and discovering more about the world around him. With his pocket money, he bought a lot of things like incense, posters and an infinite amount of clothes that he could wear according to his moods. Besides,

    since he would have to go back to Sylvania in the afternoon, he started looking for different clothes to change into after his shower. Leaving his hair down, Malden put a diamond-shaped earring in his left ear, as well as a golden pendant with a small sphere. He put on a gray sweater with "N.O.T.H.I.N.G." in bright green letters. Further down, in small print, it read "Nobody On This Healthiest Irrelevant Narrow-minded Globality. ». Malden liked to wear this sweater when he wasn't sure how he felt. He often hoped that those closest to him would be able to decode this information and understand how he was feeling by carefully observing how he dressed. But it never worked.He went to his room to finish getting ready. After putting on his black shorts and sneakers, the same green as his sweater's typography, he heard his mother coming back to the apartment. Sawako immediately struck up a conversation with her. Malden reached out to listen.

      - Malden is back to the point.

      - Is he in his room?

      - Yeah, but I think it's best to leave it alone for a bit today.

      - Oh no! Have you seen how he's acting right now? I have to talk to him, this is too much. And he doesn't answer the messages I leave! That's not an attitude!

      - I know, I know mom. But he's a teenager, so you have to imagine that he's going to do a few more silly things like that.

      - Sawako, do you defend your brother when he takes the wrong path? Do you think you're helping him to act that way?

      Akane spoke loudly and raised her voice with every sentence. She was panting, exhausted from bringing all the groceries alone from the store. Despite her intensive training as a fighter, she was much less active since she had built her family life, and was therefore much more quickly tired for actions that, in her youth, were just a walk in the park for her.

 -      Plus no one helped me with the groceries today! I have to do everything alone in this house, it's not possible! Call your father for me, so he can come and help me clean up instead of sleeping again!

      - Mom, I'm not defending Malden, but I think you're overreacting a bit. He just went to Kieran's. He wanted to watch "Alvist Wars" and he came home early. He's doing well in school and he doesn't have bad company. Don't you think you should leave him alone for a while and deal with Suzanne and Hayate, who are always provoking him?

      - Yes, yes it's good. Okay, I'll leave it. Let him do. Call your father now. Is Malden coming tonight so we can go visit Melva, yes or no?

      - It will be there.

      Malden smiled broadly and clenched his fist in victory. What could he do without Sawako? He felt himself growing wings. The weekend would probably be much more enjoyable than he had imagined. Grabbing his cell phone, he decided to send a message to Sylvania.

      "Hi Sylva 😊! Do you think we could eat together this lunch? Like, at a snack bar not too far from your place, and then we spend the afternoon together like we said? »

      Every time he took the time to send her a message, Malden's hands were shaking and sweaty. Would he choose the right words? Was he being pushy? Or too weird? Did she realize how he felt about her? And even worse: did he really feel something for her? And this something, was it love? It was so complex for him to understand, so difficult to be totally sure, considering the particular situation. Didn't she just remind him of his sister, who is now in the hospital and he misses her so much? Malden didn't know. He always came to the conclusion that it was probably best to let it go and see where it would take him.

      His phone vibrated. It was her. She had just answered! He hurried to open the message.

      "Hi Malden! That's a really cool proposal. Where do you want to eat? And what do you want to eat? Something usual and not too far away, just to do it quietly? »

      "Noon, at the pizza place across the street from you? »

 "Perfect! See you later! »

      Since everything was already planned, all he had to do was spend the time he had left doing something he liked. So he threw himself into the painting he had started a few days ago. Malden was fond of searching for photographs of various places in the Mysticiën, and recently his attention had been drawn to pictures of the Omaltäb Forests in Almarosa territory to the south. He was busy redrawing the trees with pink, dark blue, green or even black foliage that could be found there. The simple fact of smelling the paint in the room made him feel a certain fullness that nothing else could give him. After taking care to lock the door of his room so as not to be disturbed, he painted for a long time and moved forward on his canvas. If for some reason he couldn't become an alvist or a martial artist, Malden knew he would become a painter and would do everything he could to fulfill that dream. And even if he did become an alvist and a martial artist, he would be a painter too! With his savings, he vowed to buy a high performance camera and take photographs from original angles and then redesign and paint unusual places in the country, giving them a special interpretation with special color schemes. This was how he would communicate to the world the way he perceived and felt the universe. This idea excited him.

      Shortly before the appointment time, Malden rushed to the front door to get going. When he opened it, he passed the kitchen, where he saw his parents preparing dinner. While he was already on the landing, he heard his mother's authoritative voice.

      - Be back by five o'clock, we'll go see Melva. We won't wait for you forever.

      - Uh, yes, Mom. See you tonight!

      - That's it," she said dismissively.

      The sun was shining on Lausya, accompanied by a rather strong wind. A gust of wind blew straight towards Malden, removing his hood and messing up his hair. He who wanted to be elegant for Sylvania, it was from now on lost pain. He sighed discreetly while putting back his hood. That was not going to dry his good mood found. He was now listening to "Apricot" by "Sam Celentano". Malden could already imagine himself with Sylvania teaching him some scales and making him listen to her melodies. Her calmness, her kindness and her rigor were for him like nectar and ambrosia. He admired her terribly, and these sentimental questions about her were very recent. But he had known her for a few years already.

      After a few minutes, Malden reached the main square where Sylvania and her mother lived. There was a fountain in the center, and some stone slabs decorated with flowers tended by the city's gardeners. A few people were there, including groups of children who had come to buy pancakes or ice cream, despite the cold season. Sitting under a white umbrella at one of the many tables of the local pizzeria, Sylvania was waiting patiently, her phone in hand. She had let her long red hair down, was wearing a white dress with blue polka dots and a small silver necklace and a pair of simple earrings of the same complexion. When she saw Malden, she waved at him.

      - Hi! How are you? I'm so hungry! I've already reserved a table for the two of us, so what should we order? Asked she, cheerful.

      - I'll probably have a salad with a slice of pizza. I'm not very hungry, but it'll do for me!

      - Are you sure you'll have enough energy to listen to my news and convince me to join your group if you don't eat enough? She joked.

      - Don't worry about it. I want you to join us enough, I don't need a pizza to help me!

      After they had actually placed their order, the two young people ate together and talked about the rain and the weather. Malden admired the way Sylvania spoke about her extracurricular activities, but also her involvement in various social struggles. She was already very active on Signold - a well-known social network on Elzetarân - and shared many videos about animal causes and ecology. Sylvania already seemed to be a big shot and followed very closely the actions of the Renovators' Guild. It was a group of atmologists and adventurers of all kinds, formed several decades ago. They were in charge of monitoring the development of the ecosystems and biomes of Elzetari after certain confrontations, whose damage could have seriously damaged various places and destroyed the fauna, as well as the flora.

      Time passed without them noticing. Soon enough, they finished their meal and went to Sylvania. Coming from a well-to-do family, they lived in a large residence where the richest inhabitants of Lausanne were to be found. The mayor, Oscar Fanghël, lived nearby with his wife and son. Malden was always impressed when he set foot in Sylvania's house: everything was always so clean! The living room seemed huge and everything he saw seemed to be priceless. The marble walls of a very light and sober

grey were decorated with paintings showing fantastic scenes. One could see atmological warriors fighting carniocs and wild creatures in the skies, unleashing various elemental forces.

      - Every time you come over, you can't help but leave your eyes glued to the picture in the living room. You know I'm going to end up asking my mom if I can give it to you, right?

      Malden flinched and blushed. He had never realized how much these paintings could absorb him. The idea that he might be seen to be lusting after them embarrassed him.

      - Oh no, not at all! It's just... I really wish I had a talent like that. You know, I see how well the color scheme is mastered, it drives me crazy! There is the light, so well reflected, and the contrast between the atmos used by the fighters on the painting, the expression of pain on the creatures, and even the effects of the wind that blows even though we don't see it. It's beautiful. Every time I see it, I feel like it's the first one.

      - I think it was Cleora Stolteïska who made this painting. I would have to see it again with my mother. And it seems to me that she is still alive. Maybe one day, if you meet her, you can ask her how she did it?

 Malden's eyes seemed to light up. He began to do some research on his cell phone and found more of the painter's work.

 -      Wow, she's so good... If I met her, I wouldn't even know how to ask her questions. Well, anyway, I'll deal with that when I get home. For now, I have someone else talented to admire on her compositions, right?

      - Don't overdo it! I'm just getting by on my mom's classes when it comes to reproducing classics. For my creations, it remains to be seen... I'm not very comfortable with the idea of doing new things, that go out of the box, I'm afraid it won't be very pleasant to the ear, also because...

      - Hey, Sylva! he interrupted her. It's not serious, you have to try in life. Let me listen!

      - But if you think it's ugly, you probably won't want me in your group.

      - Does this mean that you want to join our group so badly that I don't actually need to convince you?

      She hiccupped with surprise and put her hands in front of her mouth. Sylvania had tricked herself. She was more interested in the idea of being part of this music group that was forming than anything else, but she didn't want it to be so obvious. She would still be seen as the girl with no friends, who craved acceptance from others.

      - It's true," she sighed. Well, enough wasted time. Sit down on the couch. I'll play you this little piece. I was inspired by "rocking horse" by "Etolica. ».

      Without adding a word, Malden settled comfortably on the black velvet sofa. Sylvania took her turn on the small purple seat where she sat to play the piano. She had her back to him, slowly positioning her fingers on the keys. The girl took a deep breath before starting to play the first notes of her composition. The start was awkward but soon she gained confidence and began to play with more assurance. The notes flowed together with a certain smoothness.

      To Malden, it was as if a beautiful story was being told. He was so impressed by her dexterity that he wanted to get closer to her to better admire her performance. However, for fear of distracting her, he preferred to stay behind and come without making any noise. She was in front of the large window, giving on a great part of the city. He admired the view as he listened to the soft melody played by his friend, while he imagined how these notes would blend with Teano's expertise on the guitar, Kieran's voice and his drumming.

      The listening went on for almost three minutes, during which time Malden was totally transported. He found himself re-admiring the painting by Cleora Stolteïska that hung on the living room wall. This creation and Sylvania's composition went so well together that he imagined one day he would be a painter of masterpieces and she a professional pianist, creating melodies around his world-renowned paintings. An exciting future, from which he exited as soon as Sylvania gave the last note of her essay. A few seconds were necessary for her to come back to reality. She took again a big inspiration, then she got up and turned slowly towards her friend. The window was left open, and a cold breeze crossed the room and shook her long dress as well as her hair. An image that stuck in Malden's mind and he swore to himself that he would paint this scene.

      - There, now you know my little music. I know it's probably too soft for what you're doing, but it's the best I have in stock right now.

 -      Sylvania, it's really beautiful. It's probably silly and simple as an opinion, but I don't know what else to add... Then, I don't play the piano, so I imagine that there are things to be revised, it's possible. But anyway, I really liked it. You know Kieran, he likes it when it moves a little bit more, but then Teano will be over the moon, you can believe me!

      - Do you think so? She asked hesitantly, as she nervously played with her fingers.

      - I don't think so: I know so! Will you show me some other things? Songs you learned with your mother for example, maybe we could rework some of them and see how to create other songs together from that!

      - It's a good idea. So, let's see...

      All afternoon long, Sylvania and Malden discussed and studied in detail different compositions, some of which they took care to select to present to Malden and Teano. Gradually, more than his ambiguous attraction to Sylvania, it was his passion for art and music that took over. He was very curious and concentrated in these tasks, as she was too.

      Since the time for him to be reunited with his family was fast approaching, Malden prepared to leave to avoid being late. But just before he left, Sylvania received a phone call that seemed to puzzle her.

      - An unexpected call? he asked.

      - Well... It's Annabelle. You know, the girl in Sara's class.

      He looked at her with a puzzled look.

      - Maybe it's her mother calling? I think she works with yours, right?

      - Not anymore. They kept in touch but... Well, wait. "Hello?" She says.

      "Yes, Sylvania? It's Annabelle. Sorry, we haven't talked in a while, but I've been trying to reach Sara and even her brother but no one answers! »

      "No worries Anna. But do you need anything? »

      "This will probably sound weird to you, but my grandfather came back from a long trip a few days ago. And you'll never guess: he brought back with him a Phelidus Tenebris! »

      As Sylvania turned on the speaker phone, Malden also heard the news. He struggled to keep his astonishment from being heard. The Pelidus, whatever their nature, were extremely powerful creatures and known to be dangerous.

      "A Phelidus? " Sylvania repeated, worried. "It's still very dangerous! Do the authorities know that this creature is here, in Lausya? What do you want us to do for you? »

      "She's dying and has little ones... six to be exact. That's a bit long, and I don't have much time. Listen, I wish you could come to my house together as soon as possible, you and Sara and the others. Grandpa will be there, he'll be able to explain. »

      "I... well, okay Annabelle. I hope it's nothing serious anyway. I'll see what I can do to keep them updated and get back to you! »

      "Thank you Sylva! »

      She hung up her phone and looked at Malden, stunned.

      - A Pelidus with babies... How often do you hear such stories?

 -      Even the participants of "War of the Alvists" don't have Pelidus! Malden added. The thing I remember is that his grandfather must be really good. Renyu says you can only find them at Failghost Manor. And do you know what they say about that manor?

      - Yeah, that it's haunted or something... We'll talk about it again, I should let you go before your mom gives you a hard time for being late. It's already a miracle my mom wasn't there today and we got to see each other, might as well not ruin the end of the day!

      - You're right, I'm leaving. I forgot one thing! I think you're meeting Teano later on, right?

      - Yes, and he has to spend the night at Renyu's house right after.

      - You can tell him that I did some research the other day, and I found a luthier that might be of interest to him, since he wanted to try his hand at the electric guitar.

      With that, Malden and Sylvania parted ways. He walked through the spacious corridors of the building before finding himself outside, taken by the temperature which seemed to have dropped a few degrees compared to the early afternoon. Happy with this exciting afternoon, he then thought about what he would learn when he arrived at the hospital with his family. If Melva remembered him, at least for a few seconds during the visit, nothing could make him happier. But Malden refused to deny it. With his headphones in, he shuffled along, his imagination conjuring up the worst scenarios about his sister's shattered memory. His mood wavered again.

      When he arrived home, his parents were getting ready to leave. Sawako was already ready, a long dark blue leather coat on her back and her black hair done up in a neat bun. Aware of her brother's difficulty in dealing with this situation, she simply patted him on the shoulder and gave him a hug.

      - Don't worry Maldou, she'll remember us one day. The more we go to see her, the more it will help her.