#I'm actively working on commissions right now too I just still don't have enough to do things like uhhh pay my rent

[m0rbs]

Who wants a $30 commission to make up for what I had to pay when my food card declined 💀

[reikunrei]

feeling incredibly averse to posting this but i'm just gonna drop my kofi link here in case anyone wants to help me get out of my increasingly shitty situation living with my parents

more info below ig

after having given my parents nearly $100k over the last four years, i'd love to be able to actually leave. my future job situation is still up in the air (i've submitted for about a dozen positions and the only one i've heard back from and interviewed for hasn't gotten back to me yet), and i haven't been able to build up any savings because, again, i was (and still am) helping my family afford rent and bills, and probably the taxes my parents are behind on, but if i think about that, i'll get too angry. no joke, i've given my family, at the bare minimum, 85% of my income over the last 4 years. the rest of it has gone toward medical stuff and, now, my car

at this point, with the combo of my mom refusing to lower her standards and my dad's seeming refusal to hunt for a new full time job, i don't see how they won't continue to bleed me dry. my dad even has a bad habit of taking money out of my old savings account that he's a joint owner on or whatever from when i got it set up when i was 16, even when i stopped actively putting money in it, so now any time it gets its automated $1 transfer from my checking account, he'll just take that $1 without consulting me. i'm not exaggerating, even if it has $1-2 in it, it'll be gone within a week

i've even put off starting on testosterone because of this. i wanted to start it like 3 years ago, but kept putting it off because of money issues and wanting to save as much as possible. i got really close to actually starting it this year, but because of how messy everything is, i put it off again bc having one more thing on my plate, especially when my parents are already weird about me being trans, was not something i wanted to deal with

not to mention, we're still currently not living under a lease in our house that we're, as far as i'm aware, still tens of thousands of dollars behind in rent on (again, my dad refuses to disclose our financial position honestly with any of us) and it's developed many, many issues bc the landlord, even before we were behind on rent, is shit and refuses to actually fix anything. and my dad loves to just ignore things unless we beg him to do something

i'd love to be on my own (in the, much more affordable, midwest) by the end of summer. i by no means want to rely on donations and i have other avenues i'm working with to make money (i still have my current full time job, but i'm going through my old belongings and selling a lot online), but i'll take any help i can get atp because i'm truly at my wits end. i'd start doing art commissions again if i could, but doing that from 2020-2022, partially on top of my full time job, absolutely wrecked my right hand and i'm still in enough pain that i can't make it a regular activity

idk how much else there is to say. there's more i could say but... i don't really wanna air all my dirty laundry here. i'm miserable in so many ways and it's just become increasingly clear that my dad expects me to constantly cover his ass. my younger brother gives money too, but he manages to go on big cross-country and overseas trips with friends, so i think i've been stuck with the burden of giving the most money. there's so many more things going on in the world rn and everyone is stretched thin so i don't expect much, or anything, but. idk. might as well throw it out there, right?

i’ve also since taken down the gfm i set up last year when we got our first eviction notice bc, while we still need the money, i don’t feel right keeping it up for multiple reasons, including “i don’t want to give any of that money to my family” and it feels too… serious to keep it up when i could just throw out my kofi instead

i just want to make sure i have some sort of safety net to catch me if i move before anything job-wise is finalized. i need to be able to afford a place to live for at least a month so i can job-search while physically being in the area i wanna move to, which would ultimately make it easier for me to find a job at all. i'm working on being more firm with giving less money so i can actually have the means to move and be safe and comfortable, but... that never lasts long in this house

anyway. that's it, i guess. thanks for reading

[humming-pokemon-helpers]

Finally got the go-ahead to post about this… so, with the growing visibility of hybrids in the public eye, I was offered the opportunity to interview with RIME Magazine! (Capitalizing the name properly was part of the deal.)

I’ll be pasting the text of the article below for anyone without a subscription (to be fair, it’s also posted online, and I have permission), but before that… I also got a cover photoshoot! I wound up touching up my ears with my illusions… and some of the burn scars… but I’m quite happy with how it turned out, still. Wolfy couldn’t make it, so I took the photo with Chiru that day! Anyways, hope you enjoy. :)

(//Art is a commission by @/RhymeWithRay here or mostly on Twitter! They make amazing Pokémon-style work, worth a look for sure!!!)

But without further ado, the interview!

RIME Magazine sat down for an interview with Vanilla Cress, a Hisuian Zorua hybrid, human and Pokémon psychologist, Champion-class trainer in Paldea, Galar Champion Cup semifinalist, and hybrid model and activist, in early February. Topics discussed varied widely, from Cress's own experience growing up as a human-Pokémon hybrid, understanding Pokémon, Cress's recent modeling and activism, and future plans. What follows is a condensed and edited transcript of the interview.

That's quite the list of accolades you've accumulated along the way. What do you think has led you to achieve so highly?

Well, for one, I think you're giving a lot of this more credit than it's worth, [laughs]. I'm not sure being pulled off of the street because I look like a walking ice-cream cone is much of an accomplishment, personally. Nor do I do much activism apart from this interview now, apparently.

I think I understand the answer you're going for here, though. I would say that my hybridity's a large part of what brought me as far as I've come. Not only in having the gift to talk to our partners in life--which is an incredible gift--but in that there's this drive to prove myself. Or maybe to redeem myself. I'm not really sure which, personally. Doing things has just filled all of the gaps in my life, until now.

Right, and you only publicly "came out" as a hybrid less than a year ago.

Yes, less than a year ago! It's been a huge adjustment, but I have so much more energy these days, not having to worry about being discovered by hitting something with my tail, [laughs].

While my experience hasn't been entirely positive after "coming out" myself, and I realize that even being able to hide is a privilege many hybrids simply don't have, I will say that generally speaking, the public response has been overwhelmingly positive. Say, for every enemy I've made, I've made ten more friends in their place. And from so many different walks of life, too!

You say your experience wasn't entirely positive. Could you elaborate some on your negative experiences as a hybrid?

Well, if I have to. Which I suppose I don't, but it seems rude not to. There are, of course, people out there who view you as subhuman, when you look like me. Or in maybe a less extreme sense, people who have a tendency to see all of the fluff and decide "Oh, this person--I should talk to this person like they're a child." But those are really quite few and far between, at least in my case. I'm more likely to scare people, with the teeth and the claws. [They make a pose showing both off.]

My main negative experience, though, was something more personal and targeted.

Yes, there was the news earlier last year about the Dreamyard Laboratory...

"Earlier last year" doesn't feel right, somehow. I won't go much into detail, but yes, I was taken against my will for the purpose of illegal research on human-Pokémon hybrid power, by Colress Achroma. It was only due to the efforts of my dear friends that I'm here now. I cannot express my gratitude to them enough, if any of you are reading!

Thank you for sharing. To turn back the clock a bit, what was your childhood like, being half-Zorua?

Well, for most of that time, it was like paradise! When I was a young child, we were quite isolated, so I never got the sense that my life was "off" or "strange". I thought for the longest time it was normal to have a family like mine. My older sibling, Wolfgang, a Zorua then--we were just "W" and "V" at the time--he and I would just run wild and play in Lostlorn Forest for hours while the rest of the pack hunted. And then they'd come back, and they'd start in on whatever they'd caught, and my mother would swoop back in to make me something completely different. And teach me the alphabet. [Laughs]

Was there a time, when that facade cracked?

Oh, there was this time, right when I had gotten used to using my illusions, that my mother brought me to the grocery store with her. And that's when I learned a lot of facts about the world very quickly. And then I had to learn those facts all over again, a few years later, when I rejoined the human world with my adopted family. Everything had to be hidden after that, or else. It was dangerous, not knowing what sort of person you'd meet, or who'd want to hurt you just for existing.

You say you were also adopted?

Right. There was... a forest fire, at one point. Intentional. And I lost everyone dear to me but Wolfgang. And I became the sort of Zorua you see here now [a Hisuian Zorua]. And after a few years of... homelessness and what not, I was taken in by the Cresses. It was a chance encounter. And it was a major culture shock! Going from streets to high society parties. It was thanks to them, though, that I managed to find something to do with my life and graduated from Naranja-Uva.

And in between that, the Galar gym challenge...

[Laughs] I'm sure you have a clip of that somewhere. I'd rather not talk about it, that was... a strange period of teenagerhood for me.

How do you feel about your childhood, on reflection?

That's tough. That's something I believe I'm still working out, myself. It was positive moment-to-moment, but considering what I know, now, I would say... to some degree, I resent it. It's hard not to resent being born in a position where it feels like, for so long, nobody understands you. I wouldn't trade Wolfgang for anyone else, but otherwise, I do wish, sometimes, I was "just" a human.

I can imagine. At the same time, talking to Pokémon is quite the advantage, right? What is it like?

Depends on the Pokémon! Some of us are more talkative than others, and of course, there's a range in how sophisticated Pokémon communication is too.

The difference is something like... imagine two Pokémon asking for pizza. In my experience, a Solosis would usually just beam the word "PIZZA" right into your mind. A Sewaddle might be coherent enough to say "Pizza, please". And a Zoroark... probably something along the lines of "give me the damn pizza already," [laughs].

So sometimes you can get a lot across by understanding Pokémon, but that doesn't mean they're all speaking in the same way as humans still. Understanding those individual differences goes a long way in my line of work, too. It's a bit easier than reading behavior, anyways!

As a Pokémon psychologist, what's one thing you think more people should understand about their Pokémon?

More than anything... it sounds cliche, but most Pokémon truly view humans as their partners, just as we do them. As much scientific proof as has gone into the question of proving that Pokémon love us as much as we love them, in my experience... that's absolutely true.

At the same time, even as partners, Pokémon think quite differently from humans in their daily life. I think in order to create the most balanced world possible, where both can coexist, it's key to consider the Pokémon's perspective more too.

What's one thing you'd like to impart about hybrids to people who don't know much about them?

Every hybrid's experience is different, firstly! Some, like me, are born, but others are created through science or magic we still don't know about. Some may look almost identical to humans, and some may have appearances considered frightening or unusual. Some of us have long-standing health problems. Some of us can use moves, or speak in Pokémon language, or access abilities, whereas others may be more limited. There's no one experience that I can really label as "the hybrid experience".

There are people who might think we're dangerous. Or inhuman. But whether you consider us 'human' or not... like any living being, we still deserve respect and a voice. Maybe that's obvious, but I think it still rings true.

Finally, what are your plans from here?

I'm hoping to finish my Unova League challenge together with my traveling partner! I certainly don't intend to become the Champion, but if I can say I challenged every member of the Elite 4, I'd be happy.

From there... well, there are a few things I'd like to resolve otherwise, but I think I'll return to my day job as a therapist, and hopefully, my own personal sword training. I'd also like to spend more time with my friends, my traveling partner, and my family in Lostlorn! My brother, Wolfgang has four incredible kits, and they're the absolute most adorable--

I'm afraid we're out of time for today, Mx. Vanilla.

Ah, yes. Thank you for having me!

[nicohverse]

April Update - Merch Designs and Last Call for Preorders!

Hi everyone! It's been a minute, huh? Sorry about that! After releasing Beloved Ghost I got to work on merch designs, but other things kept coming up, getting in the way, and well... If you've played the first game, seen the themes of this series, it should be no surprise that I do tend to give myself deadlines that get thwarted by my health. Even right now, I'm writing this update with a pounding headache...

Still, progress has been made! I'll be sharing the merch designs later in this update, along with a link to preorder individual pieces if you missed it during the active campaign. Besides the merch, I've been getting started on commissions- If you're expecting one, get excited! This along with the usual work on Entropic Float 2 itself, of course... And events! I amazingly got to meet a few fans of Entropic Float at Connecticut Gamer Con earlier this month, and if you'd like to join their ranks, I'm confirmed to be tabling at Holyoke Pride in June as well as both Springfield Comic Con and Connecticon in July! 

Now, on to the designs! These are the new merch items available in reward fulfillment, but it's not too late! If one of these items wasn't in your reward tier, or you couldn't afford it as an add-on at survey time, or you just didn't realize till now that you want it? Preorders are still open on my etsy shop until May 13th!

Let's go smallest to largest here- The key for the stickerpack! This will be included with the stickers, and the stickers will be included with every physical reward tier. If you'd like the stickers, but only bought a digital reward and don't plan to preorder anything else, just reach out to me~ Especially since I can ship them with STAMPS for CHEAP INTERNATIONAL if you're willing to FORGO A TRACKING NUMBER! Every stickerpack contains ALL of these characters~

Next up, the aluminum pin badges! These eight add to the eighteen already available which reference EF1 endings. Four for EF2's endings (hm, I wonder what these could mean?), one Beloved Ghost badge in the Mesteri Moas, one more EF1 badge with The ~LUMP~, and two additional EF2 badges with the Possum Pal and CROWNPRIMROSE campaign badge! These were offered with most physical reward tiers, but can also be preordered for just $3 each.

New acrylic keychains! These, likewise, are in addition to the existing four that have been available since the shop first opened. Shinjiro, JJ, Cobalt, and Renfield were all requested by specific backers at survey time! They're $8 each to preorder, if you're just now realizing you want them as well~

Acrylic standees! Little guys to stand on your shelf or your desk or wherever! 50mm circular base, 90mm tall, these secret fullbodies are always included by the wonderful Soyokaze when commissioning titlescreens~ It's $15 to preorder a small friend.

Last but certainly not least- Throw Pillow Plushies! 40cm in size, these are shaped pillows with the designs printed on them in a plush fabric. We're not quite big enough to go full-blown plushie, but these things are still super adorable! These were only included at the highest reward tiers, so if you'd like to get your hands on one of these, it's a $25 preorder!

That's all for now! As always, thank you for reading, and I'll update you again soon!

[hazbin-writings-and-musings]

One FAQ to Rule Them All...

Because I'm lazy, I'm putting all of my info in one place! General rules, resources, and answers to common questions can all be found here with appropriate links!

My Blogs

I currently have three other blogs, which are listed below!

My main Transformers blog is here! It's the one I started with and the biggest, if you would like the most comprehensive look at my writing I'd suggest starting here!

My NSFW Transformers blog is here! I started this one with the intent of doing all kinds of raunchy asks but it evolved into a transformers focused blog just because!

My Lego Monkie Kid blog is here! This one doesn't see much activity anymore, but feel free to check it out!

My Requests

So, why am I here? I got started writing requests for free, and I still do them now when my schedule permits! You can pop into my ask box whenever it's open, give me a short synopsis, and I'll write headcanons or short stories. Whether you prefer to be wordy in your request or just drop in with the bare details, I'll absolutely make it happen if inspiration hits. I do try to answer everything in my inbox eventually, but I can't guarantee it, so please don't take it personally. There are many ideas I LOVE but just don't have the spoons to answer properly!

Requests can include as many characters as you'd like, but I always reserve the right to select whichever ones work best for me.

My Commissions

If you've seen my writing and like it enough to want something more tailored to your needs, be on the lookout for when I open up commissions! My current status can be found at the top of my page!

My Rules

I like to keep things casual so I don't have many rules, but here are the essentials, please message me for any clarification.

1. I expect a basic level of decency from anyone on my page and posts, and reserve the right to block without question. Thankfully this one isn't too hard, just don't be a jerk and we'll get along, but still needs to be posted because some people can never remember to behave!

2. If you ever have any issues with anything I've posted, like wanting a tag to be introduced, please notify me through my direct messages! As a forewarning, I will not answer if your issue is related to a ship, headcanon or canon divergence in my writing. You're free to block me and move on with your day, as we both have better things to do!

3. Requests will be answered if and when I have the time and inspiration. There's no problem asking me what I am working on, but repeated inquiring will be ignored. Yes, this means it may never be answered, but unfortunately I work a full time job and just can't dedicate the hours I'd need to answer every ask. Maybe someday that will change!

4. This particular blog will have SFW and NSFW posts, so PLEASE don't follow unless you're 18+!

Common Questions

1. Do I have to pay for requests? Nope! You can leave as many as you want in my inbox, but the caveat is I get to choose which to write and when. If you want to guarantee something is written you have to commission me when I have them open.

2. What are prompts? I tend to enjoy applying the same scenario to different characters, as I find it a fantastic writing excercise, so I will develop prompts around specific situations as a kind of shorthand! The name of a prompt will usually be in the tags, but if I haven't written it in a while a link is always helpful!

3. Will you roleplay with me? I'm afraid I'm just not much into RP, sorry!

That's all for now! Thank you and have a lovely day!

[tikkitoonart]

Merry Christmas! +Long fucking Life Update 🎄☃️🐧

Hey everyone! It's been a while, hasn't it? I hope you're all having a good time celebrating Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or any holiday with your friends and family. And if you don't celebrate, I still hope you're having a good day and spending time with loved ones anyway.

I myself had a really fun Christmas Eve, in fact it was the first truly festive Christmas I've had in years. I've recently moved in with my friend Cloud (https://www.instagram.com/rainclouddoodles/ // https://ko-fi.com/rainclouddoodles) and her family (not officially moved in, but I am living under their roof for now). Them and their relatives were lots of fun, everyone was just having a blast being loud and stupid together.

I haven't been that active online because of this recent shift in my life. I'm still getting used to this new environment, I'm still thinking about what I want to do with my life and who I want to be, where I really want to live long term. This is especially huge for me because I have always been a shut-in when I lived with my family: never went outside because I was too afraid, never talked with anyone, even with my own family, spent most if not all of my time just drawing and browsing online for hours. I've never even reached out to anyone I knew from school, simply because I've never felt like I was close enough with anyone, and I purposely distanced myself because it was just easier to be alone. I was completely miserable.

I do want to change that, but it will take me a lot of time to get used to things. Right now I'm too terrified of everything around me to really feel comfortable enough browsing my phone for hours on end and being active online like before. It's probably a good thing in a way, because even online I was miserable on every site I used. It's crazy. I'm in a completely different state. I'm SO far away from my family. It was the first time I've flown in a plane and it didn't even feel real. I couldn't even enjoy it because I was crying the whole time.

I won't get into too much detail with family matters, but despite not having the best relationship with them, I'm homesick as hell. I've cried myself to sleep many nights for them. I'm not used to living so far away from them, and neither are they. We're just too attached to each other. I've been making my best efforts to have frequent calls with them and open up to them more, and building and fixing up our relationship. Some days it's really hard.

Whether in the future I decide to move back in with my family or not, I think this was something we all needed, especially me. I really needed an opportunity, a push in the right direction to help me move forward in life, and I can't thank Cloud and her family enough for wanting to provide that for me. I also want to make my own family proud. We were broken before, and still are, but the most important thing is that we're working to get better. We are getting better with communication. I want to make it up to them for all these years of misunderstanding, isolation and bitterness.

I don't really know what else to add, other than the fact that I'm even less active online than before because of everything right now. At the moment, I'm drawing less and responding to less comments and messages until I can get situated here. I'm not even checking my feed as frequently. It will take a while. I will need some extra cash while I'm here though, so I'm in the process of opening up smaller/simple commissions (I do not have the time or energy to do full illustrations for commissions right now lol). Stay tuned for that if anyone here is interested.

Thank you all for being patient with me and thank you especially if you've read this far. I'm done yapping now. Please take care and have a Happy New Year, everyone.

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

Yes, shameless plug time. If anyone wants to donate to my Ko-Fi, I really appreciate it. And if you want a doodle in return, I've recently opened up a new slot for quick scribbles. Check it out! (I'll also accept PayPal and CashApp, if Ko-Fi isn't your thing.)

Thank you again, everyone.

[echonidae]

a buncha headshot portraits! three out of five portraits, i'm finishing up the last two c: the sketches here are from way back in august/september, and i fiddled with them for some weeks on end trying to make Something out of them, then proceeded to frustratedly shelf the lot of them away. so it's nice to see at least these three all finished up now :') and they were really nice to work on too ;v;

but ohoho okay, this is a lot of announcements in one single post, so bear with me a moment :3c here's a tl;dr first: 1) headshot portraits as a new commission option maybe? :0ccc 2) commissions are opening again on monday, jan. 23rd! 3) separate commission info webpage for reading convenience (particularly for folks on mobile) 4) commission rules changes: payment in full & upfront, rather than half-and-half 5) two-slots-per-person rule will be no more and folks are free to send as many orders as they want, but any ones after the second will go into the queue instead 6) also a small change with unoccupied queue slots

the rest is under the readmore :')

so, i've been thinking about adding this sort of portrait as a commission option!! fairly simple compositions but fully rendered (because i darn love painting so much; cellshading is nice and all, but coloring it all in one layer is just... heart-eyes), on the big 2600px to 3800px canvases as well c: and i'm thinking of pricing commissions like these at 28 USD (feels like a good price but i'm accepting feedback on that — the point was to add something that's just straight up fully-rendered, but for the lower end of the pricetable, and the limitations of a headshot portrait feel fitting enough on both sides ;v; )

also portraits like these are fairly quick to draw, so the turnaround time would be fairly short! add to it that 1) these are fun, 2) i could use focusing on just the face and expressions rather than elaborate poses and all, 3) portraiture lighting my beloved, and 4) these are painted, and don't take forever to figure out or paint. :D but yeah, let me know what you think of the headshot portrait option!! would you folks be interested in something like this? :0c

and now hold on a moment, i have more things to say!! xD

commissions are reopening monday, jan. 23rd, at the usual 5pm BRT (UTC -3:00)!

6 active slots (previously known as regular slots; can't believe it's taken me years to figure out a better way of calling these orz), as well as another 24 slots on queue. these will remain open until further notice; money's tight right now, hence the lack of closing date :')

there should be plenty of slots either way tho, so no rush at all! but i apologize for the super short notice orz

also, i went and got all the commission info on a separate webpage on wix instead. here you go!

should be easier to access and read through stuff, particularly on mobile — or at least i sincerely hope it is, please leave me feedback if you can!!! let me know if you encounter Problems, i've looked and combed through every bit of these four (4) pages but i might have missed stuff still, pretty please let me know if you run into any Issues! ;-;

but yeah, the website has all the rules and info and all the different options as well, with extra examples and all. on monday, you'll also be able place orders directly through there, i made a little form and all c': technically the form is already there but pls don't send requests yet, i can't reserve slots ahead of time!

also also, and these are the last things i've got to say, i promise (and thank you if you've read this far!),

a couple commission rules are changing!

1) from this new batch onwards, i'll be charging commissions in full & upfront instead of the half-half system i'd been doing up until this point. the exception is if an order exceeds $80 USD; for those ones we'll return to the half-before-sketch + half-once-finished situation instead!

but how's that? :0c i hope this is alright, but please let me know if this would make commissions just... unaffordable ;o; i do really like the half-half system, and i'd rather keep it, but it's either this or raising prices, and i don't think i can do that yet :T either way, please let me know your thoughts on the matter!!

2) the only-two-slots-per-person rule will no longer be in effect, so go ham with multiple orders if you wish on monday — the caveat is that i'll still be working only on two orders at a time per person, so if you order three things, the third one will be placed at the end of the queue c:

looking back i could've... done this from the beginning. orz it should be more convenient to send multiple orders if you have 'em!

and finally, 3) if the queue list hits its closing date with slots still available, folks who have already ordered and would like to get in the queue again can go on and grab those empty queue slots if they want, instead of being limited to two slots per person per batch, and then having to wait for an entire new batch.

i opened this exception for the last round of commissions (thank you once again to the folks who wanted repeats ;-; ) so i thought i should just make it into a proper thing instead, since it does make sense to do it anyway — the queue list is purposefully filled with a ton of slots, then left open for weeks on end to make sure everyone interested can get their orders in, so letting folks claim those remaining slots after the deadline sounds fine ;v;

that being said, there won't be a deadline for this monday's batch, so this bit technically doesn't change anything xD but i thought i should mention the New Thing #6!

and that's it! that's all!

while i'm pretty set on most of these (specially the full-upfront-payment bit — again, money's tight orz), i'm still definitely open to feedback, and to change things if something doesn't work for you folks!! please do share your thoughts on it, or send a note if you'd rather!! and let me know if you have any questions too ;v; 

i apologize for the super short notice again (and for cramming all of this into a single post) orz i'll be sorting things out until 5pm on monday, and getting these last commissions posted as well c:

thank you again for reading all of this orz and please don't feel obligated to reply to all the points if you have thoughts on only a specific one, i'd rather hear a little feedback than none at all ;o;

all in all, hope at least these portraits look nice, they were fun to work on :') Oliver, Owen and Steffan (previously known as the Swordsman/the Warlock — yup he's got a name now!); i'll get the other two of Matthew and Coriander done and posted!

thanks again folks, have a nice friday! ;w;

[hiddenjam]

Some help for my mom - UPDATED

Hello friends, you probably don’t know who I am since I haven’t been active here from years, and I rarely post anything, some of you even messaged me wondering if I was still alive, I'm so sorry if I ever worried anyone, I'm alive! I just don’t have time and motivation to be active these days, thanks a lot for you lovely persons who dmed me tho ♡ this and other reasons are why I regret letting my depression drown me for too long, because I’m feeling so tired right now, so lonely, but I’m also feeling desperate and helpless because I need your help. So my mom has been very sick from some time ago, but just recently, she got diagnosed with a brain tumor, and she needs a surgery urgently, like doctors gave her 2 months if we do nothing, and 1 has already passed, but the cost its high and I don't have enough money to help her.

I know I said before I was going to do commissions, but my time has been shortened since I also work long hours and taking care of my mom at the same time its really tiresome, physically and mentally, not that I complain in helping her tho. So maybe this year, hopefully I’ll make some progress with that. I'm sorry I'm rambling, I'm not very good with words, back at the matter… 

I’m feeling REALLY ashamed to be asking for help, but like I said Im feeling desperate to help my mom, I only live with her and I need her just like she needs me right now, she’s suffering a lot, and the feeling of helpless its horrible because I can’t help her like she needs to. 

So please, please, consider donate to make her surgery, she doesn’t have much time left, even if its a small donation, every cent no matter the amount its important to us, and it will help to do it as soon as possible. 

And if you can’t donate but still wants to help, then share this link to reach to others, really, anything right now its important to me, thank you for reading, and thanks a lot for your help.

Tbh I still don’t know everything about this tumor, but I shared more info and details in the fundraiser link, and even if you need a commission (I mean a drawing for a donation) you can dm me, I've never done a commission before, but I will try my best to do it, really by this point I’d do anything to help my mom. 

Thanks a lot and take care ♡ ♡ ♡ This is the donation page: https://gofund.me/347d39a2

EDIT: My mom survived the surgery with the help of everyone!! Thanks a LOT for all donations & shares! by changing the doctor we managed to give her a second chance in life 🥺 Also the tumor turned out to be benign!

Her doctor talked about her case on facebook !

SO GLAD we found him, the first doctor was charging us 22k while this doc charged us 10k (I put 3k from my saves) and it turned out all good! its amazing the improvement that my mom has shown ever since the 1st day of the surgery. And she's smiling 🥺❤️

Right now the only problem is the radiosurgery, and its another expense 😭 I dont know when this gonna end, but docs say hopefully is the last time, the probability is never 0 but she will need to be checked from time to time. In the meantime I will share the fundraiser for the radiosurgery, yeah I know, its shameless, but I really hope not to be in this position ever again after this. This time, Im no afraid of the outcome, I'm hopeful but need to be patient.

Once again, please, I need your help, I dont know If I should do another post about it, but for the moment I will just add it here in the ogpost: https://gofund.me/da136114

Once again thanks for your consideration <3

[south-park-meta]

I find it ironic you can spend the time answering someone’s post about Randy, but can’t seem to find the time to write a prompt about the Marshes. WTF? Think about it for a minute. How would you feel if someone said they were going to write your request and 2 years later, they still haven’t wrote it? But they can respond to posts that have to do with those characters and their answers are about the same length that the prompt would be. I don’t know about you, but that would annoy me to no end.

I did try to fill this request at the time you sent it in, just as I tried to fill everyone's. I also haven't filled some art requests and I believe there was one other writing request I didn't. I enjoy trying to do it because I like writing, I like drawing, and I like to do things for people. Trying is the key word here because it's something I'm doing for free, in my own time, when and if I have the inspiration. I understand that it sucks. I did start writing it and then didn't finish it. Which sucks for me, too. This isn't an intentional dig at your prompt or at you.

A passion project I had in my last fandom has over 100,000 words, over 20 chapters, and was last updated 2 years ago. In that same fandom I updated a fic from 2015 in 2020 and haven't finished it. The fic I'm 'actively' working on now, which you mentioned in your last message to me as something I shouldn't be doing because I committed to your prompt first, is my baby of a project-- something I started as an original fiction script which I sent to horror movie production teams in 2010. And it still hasn't ever seen its final form. I've been actively answering asks and not writing my pet project, the one you were upset at me for writing, for months.

I don't want to be a prick about it because yes, I do in fact get how it's frustrating. I am even in fact the kind of person who feels bad about not filling any/all requests that I may get. But on the flip side of that, I'm a person doing something for free- this was never a commission or anything like that, and I know I've been frustrated by the tone of the messages you've sent me on it. I was in fact actively trying to work on it, like I've tried to work on projects outside of Tumblr, for a very long time. I'm trying isn't good enough, so I'm not trying. Your response this time is you're right, I'm not doing it.

And I'll save both of us the frustration of situations like this and not do those request memes in the future.

[enby-hawke]

God I Tumblr I have so much to tell you. I've been absent from social media and may or may not go into posting hiatus from other social medias other than to look for work but I don't know...I'm not...my instincts are telling me wrong.

I'm safe. I have enough money. My new bf who was my best friend from highschool that I just asked out yesterday

The only social media sites I'm really active on are people I'm actually talking to and let's be real a lot of people on tumblr don't want to be associated with me. I realize I'm radioactive in a lot of ways that my trauma made me.

You see my gods Bakunawa and Barangaw are now in my domain and I'm in the midst of a storm and it's brewing hard. Bakunawa is testing me at every turn. Because I'm too impatient. Because I think I know I'm right. Because I don't listen.

Other than tumblr I'm not really posting on reddit or deviantart or anywhere else. I realize I have to ration my energy and pour myself into my creative projects. These are my golden eggs of wealth inside myself. Selling myself off for parts to the masses who want me to chip me away and make myself smaller to fit their mold. It's not working. People are shunning me. I don't get commissions because of the content I post. I refuse to make myself more likeable to be marketable.

Bakunawa is testing me but Barangaw sent my rainbow, my new soulmate and I'm starting a new creative journey with him where we're going to forge our own path together, away from the capitalistic mindsets.

I finally understand after praying to Burigidgang Pada Siniklang Buluwan that what true wealth is.

It's not gold at all. It's friendships. I'm choosing now to use my art to connect with people. Giving it away for free. I'm going to still need work so maybe I'll teach art. I really enjoy it. I'm going to talk to my bf cause he's already a local artist see if he has ideas with how I can do a local scene because you know what the internet hates me. And I can either change for the masses or change myself.

I'm choosing to take some time to step back. Meditate to hear my gods voices. Study. Learn. Take in. I have a lot of ideas but now is a time for me to listen and create.

[autumninaprilart]

I miss art.

The more I think about it the more I'm not sure what it is exactly that I miss? I miss being a part of a community where we could all draw together and just have that artistic interaction but then also my life and my schedule has drastically changed since I was active then. I also miss just doing art and being less anxious about it and overthinking it less.

Once I stopped trying to get into the animation field and kind of overall selling my art and doing commissions as a business I really got a lot better lifestyle wise. But my first kind of interaction with art other than something that you just do for fun was doing it in college as a degree because I literally didn't know what else I could do.

(I forget how to do a read more on mobile so bear with me til I can update it. I welcome conversation and replies!)

I found my strengths now in working with people and doing volunteer coordination and I genuinely do love what I do. But I still want to come back to art it's just hard when most of my relationship with it has been in a kind of capitalist perspective I guess.

I spend maybe half an hour looking at graphic novels at the bookstore the other day but every time I opened one and read some and was touched by bits of it or enjoyed it I had part of myself recoil and I had to put it down because I was just thinking about the dream that I feel like I abandoned.

I know in my head that I can still do art and I can still make comics and animation and stuff. But it's really really really hard to get to sink into my brain and to actually accept it.

I've been taking a break from doing art since March and the only thing that's really helped is doing a small bit of edible brownies. It just drops all the barriers and I can just make literally whatever. It doesn't matter what I may which is the wall I keep running into. I keep running into the wall that I feel like I have to have an idea ahead of time to make a piece of art and that's not usually how it works but whenever I've had a commission or an art piece I've done for like the communities I've been in there's always been like oh these ideas that you can just make and I just am not generating those in the same way anymore.

And when I do get a prompt it's usually very hard to make work and I get worked up in my brain ahead of time that no this isn't what I want to do or something and I don't even get to try it.

With the ADHD it's hard because nothing really feels right for doing most leisure things. I have the ADHD boredom really badly of "nothing feels right" And it's been especially hard the past maybe 4 months.

I'm driving to make something meaningful but I know not everything has to be finished or complete or have meaning to it. There's these comics about hamsters that I really love that are just like not making a huge difference in the world but they mean so much to me. I want to make something like that and I know I don't control what does or doesn't touch people in different ways and most things I think can't touch people and you'll probably never know about it.

I think I'm probably defining too much of my personal worth on my art that I create.

If I am able to make an art piece that touches someone to does something good in your life that feels like some kind of like qualifier for myself that I've done good but I don't have to do those things to do good.

It's not like a bad goal to have morally or whatever, but it's not something that's measurable and it's putting my own self worth dependent on an outside source which I'm trying not to do. I need to get my own positive self worth coming from myself.

I know my heart, my art, and myself are good enough as they are and they don't have to touch anyone to be something "good". I am enough just as I am. I don't need to be "more".

...

I've been trying to do art in different forms as well, but nothing quite sticks like digital art does. I have a million animations/animatics in my head that I want to do. But time and energy get in my way, so I need to push to make space for it all.

You know, I think the purest form of art I do is Contra Dancing. It's not monetized at all for me, in fact I donate money to do it. I get to be a part of these dances with people that we all create together and contradancing isn't the same if you have like very small groups of people. I go there simply to dance and to see people and to have fun and that's it. Because I enjoy it, and I enjoy the people.

Another thing was when I wore to the nursing home I spent over 200 hours of my own time playing bingo with the residents and running bingo games. That's art in itself, and we all had fun and played together!!

I can and do show my love in more ways than just digital art.

My digital art has always been tied to something I loved, be it star trek or my fascination with digital painting - much like solving a drawing puzzle.

The whole TriumviDate game was a huge labor of love!!!!!

I think I just need to reframe what digital art means to me in my head and what it looks like. It's not something I do to sell. It's not something I do for a career. (Nor do I want to)

It's a form of expression - One of many many different forms. It's a medium in which to say something and it doesn't even have to mean anything besides that I had fun making it.

All the regret I had when I think about the things I could have done and acting like that part of my life is over but it's really continuously going on. I am under a third of my lifespan If we go by the average lifespan which means (theoretically) I have over 2/3 of my life to keep going and figure things out.

There's so much to life and I just need to find a way to make art enjoy it have fun if I want to and to make it as barrier free as possible for me. I know something like that takes a lot of work - but I think it really would be worth it.

[senfena]

Cold War: Remedy, Chapter 14

A/N: Uuuhh sorry for being gone so long. I'll try not to let it happen again. In other news, here's the chapter where I found out I'm not that great at writing combat ;w;

February 19, 1981

05:00 A.M.

Every sensation in your body kick-started as you jolted awake, screaming, shooting your torso forward to sit upright as you flailed your arms. Looking around, you found yourself in a small, sterile room, with a red door to your left, dressed in a medical gown. How the hell did you get here? And where was here? Okay, okay, panicking was going to do you no good. Your breathing slowed as you tried to calm yourself down, simply take everything in. Turning your view down your left arm, a needle was stuck inside it that led to an IV bag. You went to go pull it out when suddenly, the door swung open, and in rushed a blonde man, middle aged, with sunglasses and a brown leather jacket.

You instinctively pulled back in fear. "Wh…who are y-" "It's okay, Bell, it's just me. It's Adler." He interrupted as he slowly moved towards you with his hands up. Adler? Oh, of course. Adler, your old friend. You've known each other for years. Fought together. Bled together. Been through the hell of Vietnam together. "Adler?" You frettingly looked to him, staring into his deep blue eyes. "Yeah, kid, it's me. I'm here." He placed his hand on top of yours. You instantly felt soothed by his presence. 

"Wh..what happened? Where are we?" You questioned, never breaking eye contact. "You're in a hospital, Bell. That fall took you out of commission for a while, but you're alright now. If you can't remember much right now, that's okay, it'll all come back." You slowly nodded along. This was a lot to take in, but just knowing Adler was there for you kept you calm. "And you're back just in time too." He continued. "You remember Perseus? That soviet operative we were hunting in Da Nang? He's active again, and he's planning something big. He's gonna do a lot of damage, hurt a lot of innocent people, if we don't stop him." Perseus, that's right. The CIA's analysts consider him to be the single largest threat to the free world. That scared you a little. Were you really capable enough to stop him?

You hoped you weren't showing your fear on your face, but Adler must've picked up on it. Somehow your eye contact got even more intense as he leaned in ever so slightly closer to you. "We have a job to do." As he said that, every ounce of stress, fear, and anxiety was simply washed away, replaced only by a powerful sense of purpose. You and Adler, the ultimate team, ready to do your job to save the world better than anybody else ever could. "Let's do it." You beamed up at him as you slid your feet off of the bed, standing up with a slight stumble. That fall must've really hurt, it was still a bit painful to walk. "Here, lean on me." Adler offered as he swung your right arm over his shoulders. You both trudged out of the room, with a wide grin on your face, ready for anything.

___________

June 8, 1984

11:31 A.M.

"I don't get it. What the hell did they want at Yamantau, and why blow it up afterwards?" You quizzed Park, not shifting your eyes away from the satellite photos of the destroyed base pinned to the board. "We're not entirely sure what they wanted there, but the theory is that they intended to make it look like we destroyed it, prompting blame from the Soviet government." That got you to turn your head. "Did it work?" "As far as we can tell, no. If they never said anything about what happened in '81, or '68 for that matter, it's not likely they will this time." You smirked, glad that something was going your way after nearly two months of nothing.

"At least one of them has the decency to show us his face this time around." You muttered, inching closer to the board, eyes focused on a security camera picture of a caucasian man in heavy armor, with brown eyes and a full beard. "Do we have an identity?" You called back to Park. "Roman Gray, otherwise known as Knight." She began to debrief you. "Born in Ireland in '37, enlisted in the Irish army at 18, but in '63 he was dishonorably discharged. He was recruited by MI6 in '65, and four years ago, they also dismissed him. In both cases, due to rash, violent, and impulsive behavior." You paced in a circle as you took it all in. "Hm…and now it sounds like he's on some 'mighty revenge crusade.'"

As you mocked him, your view shifted to another photograph. A girl with a bodysuit and a half face mask, blonde hair shaved at the sides with the rest of it pulled back and tied into a braid. Something about her entranced you, as you inched up to fill your view with her photo, raking your eye over every detail, again and again. "What about her?" You quizzed Park. "Freya Helvig, known as Wraith. Born in Norway in 1952. In '78 she joined the NIS, only to leave them in '81 for Perseus." She disclosed, then paused for a moment. 

"What is it?" She took note of your intense interest, coming up to stand next to you. Good question, what was it about her? "I dunno…I guess...I guess she's kinda cute." You turned back to Park. Her only response was a cocked eyebrow, paired with a wild smirk. "I-I mean in a 'supervillain who wants to destroy the world' kind of way." Her grin only grew as you sputtered out your cheap justifications, sitting back down.

Shaking it off, you turned around to sit at the table, across from Park. "Something else that's confusing me." You uttered. "Verdansk is right at the base of the mountain, why put a giant red flag over your position like that? I mean, we know that Adler's there, but they don't know we know that." Park gazed off, losing herself to thought. "At least, I don't think they do." You tacked on quietly. It was quiet for a few moments longer. "Acceptable risk on their part?" She finally offered. If that was the case, that didn't imply good things for Adler or the rest of you.

"I just wish we had something concrete." You bemoaned as you puffed out an exaggerated exhale. "Ask and you shall receive!" Sims called over to both of you, striding into the main room alongside Hudson and Woods. "We got him." Woods announced triumphantly, grinning at you as they began taking files and documents from a case book, pinning them to the board. They found him? For real this time? All of your senses went to full alert as you stood back up.

As they finished organizing the board, Sims and Woods backed away from it as Hudson turned to face all of you. “As Woods said, we believe we have confirmation on Adler’s location.” Hudson started. “Stitch is holding him in the hospital in Verdansk. That's the good news. Trouble is, we don’t know where in the building exactly.” “I’m c-” Yes, Bell, I’m permitting you to go.” He shot down your interruption. “Not that I could stop you if I tried.” He muttered, prompting a smirky huff from you. 

“Park, Sims, you’re the chopper team, Woods and Bell are the ground team. Our plan is to fly the ground team over the building, fast rope in and infiltrate from the roof, sweep and clear the building until you find him. Chopper team holds position circling the building until the ground team gives the signal for pick up. From there you’ll be touching down at the West Berlin safehouse. We don’t know what condition he’ll be in, and in the worst case scenario bringing him there is better. Any questions?”

“When do we leave?” You immediately spat out. “Six hours. Anything else?” Silence. Hudson nodded. “Pack your bags. Bring our boy home.” You all split off to go get prepared. 

As you darted off to your room, your mind was filled with a single thought, looping again and again: "I will save you this time."

___________

June 10, 1984

9:57 P.M.

Having to endure the monotony of the helicopter ride was driving you up the walls. The only noise besides the drone of the engine and the blades slicing the air were the sounds of your M60 as you excessively checked it again and again. Click-thump as you slid the bolt back and forth, fwip as you flicked up the cover, running your finger over all the exposed bullets in the belt, clack as you knocked the cover back down. Click-thump, fwip, clack. Click-thump, fwip, clack. Click-thump, fwip,-"That trigger finger of yours a little itchy, Bell?" Sims quipped, pushing the microphone of his headset closer to his mouth. Clack. "Something like that." You muttered in response. Even with a microphone, you'd be surprised if he heard you. 

"Get ready to use it then!" Woods blurted. "We're approaching the hospital!" The chopper slowly drifted to a halt over the roof as Woods yanked open the sliding door. "Standby for greenlight." The pilot instructed, and a moment later the cabin interior light turned green. "Down the rope!" Woods shouted out, grabbing hold and sliding out of view. You weren't a beat behind him, sliding down as quickly as the laws of physics would allow you. The weight of your gun certainly didn't help your ankles in the landing, as you touched down with an audible wince. It didn't matter though. You were down, and Adler was here somewhere. 

"Bell, on me. We search room for room, floor by floor, until we find him." Woods commanded as you both hustled over to a locked door that led to the third floor. Kicking it in, you found only a few storage and maintenance items scattered about, and a stairway down to the lower levels, where they kept the patients. You both scampered down in a hurry, punting open the door to the third floor and being met with gunfire not a second later, pulling back before it could touch either of you. "Flash!" You called out, swiftly tossing in a stun grenade and waiting until BANG. The chamber momentarily became infinitely brighter, and as you popped out of cover and started cutting down hostiles, a distant ringing permeated your hearing.

Once all the hostiles had been put down and the ringing had stopped, you and Woods checked all the rooms on the floor. Nothing. And not just no Adler, there was nobody else at all. Sure, Perseus had some reach, but how'd they manage to take over an entire hospital for a city this size? Before you got too far lost in that thought train, you refocused. Adler.

You both made your way back to the staircase and down to the second floor. This time you threw in the flash as you kicked in the door. Good planning on your part, as there were about twice as many shooters on this floor. Still not a problem for you, Woods, and a hundred belt-fed full metal jacket rounds. Searching the floor, there was still no sign of Adler. He had to be on the first floor. Had to be. 

Rushing down the staircase to the ground floor, your heart rate began to rise, more from fear than anything else. Breaking down the last stairwell door, strangely there were less gunmen compared to the second floor. They must've been banking on you never getting this far down. Between putting down hostiles, you were frantically searching every room you came across, every corner of the building. Eventually the only section left was the operating rooms in the emergency center. It was down to the last enemy, he was wounded, out of ammo, and out of places to go. Woods grabbed him by the collar, snatching his rifle and tossing it aside. One sidearm bullet to the temple later, there was no one standing in your way. 

You both strided into one of the operating rooms in the next chamber. Quickly scanning the room for any more enemies, you found none, but there was one person laying on the operating table. You halted for a second. You almost didn't want to believe it. But stepping closer and looking more carefully at his face, relief flooded over you more strongly by the second. You couldn't help the gigantic smile that you broke into.

"Adler, wake up! We're here for you!" Woods called out to him, trying to shake him out of his exhaustion. "Gah…Woods…?" Adler hazily muttered. "That's right. Come on, up you come." Woods tossed Adler's right arm over his shoulder and brought him to his feet. Filled with adrenaline, you took the lead to escort you all back the way you came. "We gotta get back up. Who knows how much longer we have before they send in reinforcements." You spoke to Woods without looking back at him, but you immediately turned your head back once you heard Adler cry out in pain, seeing him collapse to the floor and taking Woods down with him.

You rushed over and put Adler's left arm over you, simultaneously lifting him back up, continuing to trudge along together. "W-wh…Bell?" It was the first time you'd ever heard him confused. "Yeah, you asshole, it's me. I'm here."

Moving as fast as you could to the helipad, Park and Sims rushed out to help lighten the load. Sims looked ecstatic, though you couldn't say the same for Park. If anything, she looked more relieved upon seeing that you were safe. As you all lifted him into the helicopter, the irony wasn't lost on you that now he was the one being heaved into a chopper for emergency medical attention. You pulled the door shut as you took off, just thankful that your days of searching were over. But now came the big question: What next?

[purlturtle]

Hello, lovely human.

Fanfic Writer Emoji ask!

How about you pick 15 emojis you want to answer, and go wild?... :)

oh god. oh you wonderful human you.

FIFTEEEEEEEN!!!!!

*clears throat*

okay. oh god. hnggnnnh. here we go. (I'm being all calm and normal, as promised.)

🥺 Is there a certain type of moment or common interaction between your characters that never fails to put you in your feels? (1)

Helena realizing that she is allowed to want, and to have, happiness. Myka realizing that she is allowed to want, and to have, happiness! They've both been dealt really harsh cards by life, and I love to give them love and care and support, not just from each other, but from a wider circle of found family as well. And whenever I get to describe a scene that shows them realizing that, 🥺

🤡 What's a line, scene, or exchange you've written that made you laugh? (2)

I'm very proud of this line I put in Helena's mouth: “Well, it’s not as if they hadn’t imagined our bedroom activities long before there ever were any.”

😈 Has there been a point in a story where you did something just to be playfully mean to your readers? (3)

I love cliffhangers, both at chapter endings and at fic endings when it's a series! And then wait a week (or, in And Now You, till the events of the next chapter, because I posted that fic in "real time", as it were) until the next chapter goes up. I'm glad my readers are still bearing with me ☺

✍ Do you have a beta reader? (4)

Several! And one of them I even married! 😁 No, but seriously - I find the feedback of beta readers invaluable, not just because English is my second language but because I get too close to the prose (oh wow, unintentional rhyme, nice of you to drop by!), and need an outside eye to tell me if I'm still going in the right direction.

🛠What tools/programs/apps do you use to write? (5)

I use good ol' MS Word. With a chapter index, and the new(ish) function of "jump back to where you left off last time", it really works for me. I write pretty much entirely linear, and use a different document for ideas and outline, and a third document for outtakes that might still turn out to be useful down the line, and all of that is straightforward enough to work in Word. I've tried Scrivener, but for me it didn't have enough advantages over what I was already used to in order to really (want to) dive into it and make it mine. With my betas, I use Google Docs and comments, but especially for multichapter fic, that is SO SLOW! And sometimes I write short fic right here on Tumblr, in the app.

🙋‍♀️ Do any irl people know you write fanfic? (6)

Well, I met my wife through my fics, so yes 😁 but even beyond that, a few of my family and friends know. However, none of them (AFAIK) read a lot of fic in general, nor my fic in particular; most of them aren't English readers, OR geeks.

🍆 Do you write the spicy stuffs? If so, what's your most popular nsfw fic? (7)

Y'know, I just checked, and my ratings ranking is "Teen and up" 20 works, "General" 19, "Explicit" 17!, and "Mature" 4. 😂 so yeah, I do write the spicy stuff! Both as parts of the larger narrative (the most popular of which is And Now You), and as PWP (here the most popular is 24th century t...echnology, a Beverly/Kathryn fic). I gotta say I do love me some good smut. And I hope mine meets the bill!

💲 Would you ever open commissions? (8)

I only write fan fic, not original, so no. I am fiercely protective of AO3, and I will protect their integrity one hundred percent. I don't seek to monetize my writing, anyway - it's a pastime, it is fun, and I want it to stay that way. I am lucky in that I don't need any side hustles, and hey, no shade to those who do find (legal, non-harmful-for-the-larger-fanfic-community) ways to make money from writing, but I also hate hate hate that capitalism has come to the point where some people think you gotta derive money from something somehow for it to be worthwhile, or where people see no other choice than to try, in order to make their ends meet. I write for fun. I am privileged to be able to write for fun. So no, no commissions. But hey, sometimes I do prompts, and I love taking part in gift exchanges! So if you ever wanna get something written by me, just let me know and if it tickles my muse, you might get it!

🎃 Do you write fics for certain holidays? Which is your favorite holiday inspired fic? (9)

Yes, I really like doing that! I have a winter holidays fic, a Halloween fic, a Pride fic, and I have another idea on the backburner for another winter holidays fic; no clue when I'll ever get to writing it, but I'll get there some day! As for favorites, the Halloween fic really kicked my ass, so it won't make that list, and the other two are tied!

🦅 Do you outline fics or fly by the seat of your pants? (10)

So I never really "learned" how to write? In that I never had any kind of instruction in creative writing, I mean. I didn't even know there was such a thing as outlining, or what different writing processes looked like. I would just open a new Word doc and go forth! So yes, I started out a pantser - but lately I'm working with a writing coach, and have looked into writing styles and strategies in other ways too, and I'm realizing that outlining fits me a little better. I'm in a weird in-between phase right now where I have, like, half a dozen WIPs that were started pantser fashion but where I'm trying to outline how the rest of the fic might go; it's fascinating! (and talking with other writers has been immeasurably helpful for those!)

🎉 What leads you to consider a fic a success? (11)

If I am happy with it. Sure, I like kudos, and hits, and comments (especially comments! When someone says "this fic is like a warm comfy blanket" or "I've read this four times at least"? Priceless!) but those are the icing, not the cake. I am immensely proud of Angel, Sinner, Dragonslayer, for example, both for the story itself and for the craft of it, but that one isn't even in the Top 15 by kudos or the Top 20 by hits. And for me to love a fic or to consider it good, those benchmarks don't matter. They make me happy, don't get me wrong - I love hearing if my fics reverberate with people, if they make them happy, if they make them feel all the feels, if people think the smut is hot, etc. etc. - but on my opinion of my fic, they have no impact.

⌛ How long does it take you to write a fic, or a chapter? (12)

When the muse hits me, when that holy trifecta of inspiration, motivation and time comes together, I can easily write 10,000 words in a day. It's not that I struggle to get words on the page; it's more that the days when that trifecta hits are rare. At the beginning of the pandemic, I was extremely prolific even by my own standards; writing was my way of coping. That has dropped a little bit, alas. Writing is still my happy place, my way of escaping the current hellscape and hang out with my favorite characters, but my energy has definitely been sapped by *gestures at everything*. Add to that that I only ever publish a fic when it's done, and not as I go (god, that idea scares me) (yes even when I publish it week by week; it's all written and done, I just enjoy torturing you by drawing it out), and you see why there's sometimes a long time between fic drops from me.

💥 How do you feel about criticism? 💌 How do you feel about comments and feedback? (13)

Ah! Feedback is a passion of mine. I can take something from almost any kind of comment - even if it is "this commenter has no idea and isn't engaging in good faith". And I always seek to improve my craft, and for that a comment like "this is a bit weak on plot, innit?" is really helpful! Especially if on top of "bit weak" I get given ideas how it could be stronger. Like I said, I never had any training in creative writing, so I am in many ways still learning and will continue to learn for the rest of my life, and I can only do that when I know where I still have room to grow. A bit of background here: I'm a social worker by training, and work in quality management now. I literally thrive in trying to improve things along any number of axes, and that is simply not possible without criticism. So hey, if you have always wanted to point out to me all the ways in which my stuff could be better, by all means reach out and let me know!

❌ What's a trope you will never write? (14)

Grimdark. Or even tragedy. I might take my characters to very dark places, but there will always be light at the end; there will always be a happy ending. Also, man-hating lesbians. Also, mlm. Yes, I'm a woman and yes, I write fanfic, but I write femslash, not slash. 🤷‍♀️ There might be a mlm couple somewhere in the background, sure, because I love including all kinds of queer people in my fics, but my muse just isn't tickled by mlm. As a matter of fact, my muse has pointed due Bering and Wells for the last five years or so? So yeah.

👀 Tell me about an up and coming wip please! (15)

Man, I need to revive the posts in which I talk about my WIPs! Okay, here goes: I'm still working on Strata Part 2 with my beta, and also on Mind Over Matter Part 2. The Pirate fic is a bit on the back burner right now, because I have more inspiration for MOM2 at the moment. I finally have an idea for how to bring it to a good end (thanks, @anandabrat!), and that is the kind of iron you have to hit while it's hot! It'll be from Helena's POV, and show her journey towards a relationship. It's funny how an actual A/B/O fic, that started out with Bering and Wells having, like, the hottest sex ever (offpage though), has turned into one of the slowest burns I've ever written! 😅

Okay, that was a lot!!! And I loved every moment of it!

My wonderful friend, thank you for this opportunity to gush. Mwah mwah mwah!!!

[wonderinc-sonic]

Aha geddit. Venting. (This one is really really spoiled)

Ok this is not serious but I'm feeling. Paralysed. Because everyone in my life is trying to be so lovely but they're making me feel not listened to at all.

I've always set a bit of my paycheck aside to travel/ spend time with my partner, plus some just for fun money. I often used it for buying commissions, and I was saving for possibly quite an expensive one.

But with world events, I changed my tack. Still putting aside the money to see my partner - which is the main thing I really want to do - but donating the fun money. And that's fine, I guess I missed the fun money I'd been saving for a bigger present for myself, but it's not that bad. I'm literally going on holiday for a week after my birthday. Like, my life is jammy.

That birthday is rolling around and I literally want nothing. If I really stretch, I need a new pair of cheap sunglasses, but it could honestly wait. I have some long-term-goal savings, but they are beyond birthday and I want to buy them for myself so that my family don't have control over them. Right now, I actively want less stuff. So I asked for charity donations, so I can really put some money to stuff I care about - my family are all richer than I am by a long shot, they spend double what I do on their birthdays for mine.

But everyone is taking issue with this. I thought it would just be my partner, but my sisters and my parents all trying to buy me some kind of tat:

Can I get you a candle? No! I don't burn them because I'm forgetful! And don't get me soap and shower stuff, I'm allergic to all but the bar ones, and have no dry place to stock them up.

Can I get you new clothes? I just chucked out 1.5 wardrobes of handmedowns. The fact that I still have plenty of clothes tells you all you need to know about my clothes hoarding!

Can I pay for a meal for you? Fam I am in a bad way with eating as well you know. I can't normally eat in public, especially when there's pressure and lots of people around. You're giving me an anxiety attack for my birthday.

So now I'm thinking I'm just gonna ask for money for the holiday I've already bought myself and donate it myself, then lie and say I spent it on a day out. Because nobody is listening. They're very sweet, really, but I don't even like gifts on my birthday, it's too much. I actively want them to make charitable donations. I don't know why this is so hard. I don't need a lecture from everyone about allowing myself things - if I wanted things I would get things! I'm so damn privileged for my age! I am sick of being lectured and pressured into wanting crap, when it's all crap!

I already gave up the shit I really wanted - which is always nice sonic art and commissions, now - and there's no way any of them would buy those for me anyway. So just get me nothing, if you think charity is a waste, but don't tell me I should want things I literally don't need! I have baskets full of wool. Buckets of colour pencils and crayons and crafts and nice paper. I have shelves of books and hours of games that I don't play. I cannot stress enough how spoiled I am. I don't want another day of treating myself. My whole life is a treat! Meanwhile, 2000 miles away people are dying of starvation if missiles don't get them quicker. Why am I being treated like the one with a problem for wanting less of that happening for my birthday?

Anyway I brought up my paycheck when I started this post because when I mentioned that while trying to convince my boyfriend he got genuinely cross with me. He says it's ridiculous self-sacrifice and I'm trying to be a martyr and I just- what? Sorry, the martyrs of this world; 25yos who can't buy a digital picture of Omega in a tutu with a bubble gun. God, I have the hardest life! I stopped buying coffees that make me shit myself at work. I'm the real victim here!

It's the same argument as when I said I don't wanna take planes for the environmental impact. He - and everyone - acts like I'm cutting out a huge part of my life, my right to holidays? Come the fuck on. We sound disgusting.

I do get that individual contributions to all these things pale in comparison to the big corporations' impact. I know that lobbying and boycotting could be more effective tools for change than my personal contributions. But I'm not going to marches because I don't handle the crowds, and I'm not a debater so I don't think I'm changing anybody's mind. I just wish I could explain that doing these things is how I feel like myself, like my morals matter, and like I can feel proud that I stand up for what I believe in. And those are way more important to me being happy than a new pair of cool boots and sunglasses.

[peenybobini]

12/21/23

It's almost Christmas and it doesn't feel real but I know that happens every year

At least this year I watched almost every holiday movie I wanted to and it was A LOT

Dylan watched love actually with me a few days ago and it was so much fun

Season 45 of survivor ended yesterday, one of my favorite seasons in a long long time we had an absolute blast watching it

I'm getting super hyser aware of my teeth and idk why, I have GOT to see a dentist and soon, maybe stop smoking this new year and start doing whitening strips but I know myself and fat fucking chance tbh

I love Dylan I'm so happy most of the time

Sex has been more frequent and more fun, I'm hurting less being more active, have made so much money this month but unfortunately it's all gone elsewhere for Christmas and I randomly had a shit ton of stuff run out all at the same time but I feel like I'll be able to afford everything easy? Idk I may have miscalculated but I'm just rolling with it

Peter and I said I fucking love you to each other for the first time after being friends for like 6 years or something crazy last night when he was kinda messed up and needed support. He always apologizes a lot and I try to let him know it's nothing to be embarrassed about, and I get it, Dylan's really the person I can talk to about any and everything and I feel like I might be that person for Peter and it just isn't the same and I get it. Idk though man's got his problems and can be fucked up sometimes but I really do care for him so much and I can only hope I can break him out of his shell and encourage him enough so he can start meeting girls romantically!!! Maybe I should offer that like dude let's hit a virtual fucking life makeover? Idk it'll have to waait, checked in today cause I know he goes radio silent any time h gets vulnerable, but he was okay for sure it just might be a few days which sucks but it is what it is lord knows I've disappeared on the guy more than a few times

And then Cailee's struggling bad right now with not being able to find a job, and she's still dating Juan who god bless him I don't fucking like and think he is so mean to her for no reason but for some reason he holds all the power in the relationship? Feel like sometimes he manipulates her extreme anxiety to his benefit, but I'm not around them enough to totally deduce that. Definitely hard for me to mind my business and be like okay o hope he does leave because cuck that guy come live with me and dylan and Jack and let's get a huge house and maybe you guys will fall in love and it'll be perfect and the commune can begin but obviously not going to happen.

Communication with Cheyenne is always so stilted lately, have been trying to make plans since September but since I've been out of commission obviously with the breakage I think it ends up being a free out in her mind which is like fine. Idk I feel jealous of her and Jonathan even though I know shit for them sucks sometimes too? Seeing the Christmas card they sent us just kind of ignited something in me and I'm tired of not being married and I'm tired of not having a baby. And i really really want to at least start that process in the next couple of years but idk if there will ever not be a part of me that feels like that's a huge mistake? God shit is so complicated all the time

And I fucking miss summer. I miss her so much. I can't believe we've fallen off this hard. I'm always being left hanging. I knew to expect it and I try not to take it personal but goddamn, it hurts so, so bad. I really thought we'd be able to make it past not working together, I just feel like we got along on so many levels I don't with any of my other friends. I feel like we were so alike in so many ways but were we just mirroring each other? I don't think so. I wish I never said that shit to Dylan, I think it completely fucked up any chance of our friendship lasting forever. I only hope and can wonder if one day when he's further out of the BPD bubble I'd I'd be able to explain it to him where he'd listen. That I truly was just trying to appease, and make my situation okay, and thought I was going to die or end up killing my self because the pain was so bad. What a dark fucking time in my life dude I can't believe i survived that shit. Or that our relationship did. I hope Josh is nice to her and makes her feel loved and doesn't rely on her to do everything for him forever, I don't think I'll ever live a day where I don't consider her my best friend, despite all the I mean let's call it what it is absolute bullshit she's put me through

Idk I feel like that's dramatic I don't think I mean it. I just miss her, it sucks getting close to another new friend only to be totally ghosted on once we stop working together. Again. I guess it's a lesson though? Idk I feel like the way my business is going I'll likely not have any coworkers again really. If I can figure out how to avoid the annoying bitches I rent with currently.

And I'm so sick of everybody trying to give me business advice and idk why it bothers me so much either? Ego thing?

Also I've been having so many sex dreams lately, a Bob Odenkirk one that was kind of sweet honestly but that makes sense as I've been thinking about him a lot lately because I just finished better call Saul and absolutely loved it and think he is so cute, and an Adam driver one that was super weird, lots of free falling but also flying? Definitely close to a lucid dream I felt like I was making my own decisions they were just absolutely bonkers, like being in a mall, zombies coming, fighting with Adam driver, looking into the sky and "allowing myself to fly by letting go" was what the feeling was. And then I'd get up there and if I tried to land on whatveee the fucking aircraft was everybody was in I'd start falling immediately. Don't ask me where sex fit into this because I truly don't know lmao, I just remember being in a place I knew was his apartment and arguing and then we started and fucking and it was less sweet more hot, it's probably been all those Girls clips showing up on my tiktok page.

Dylan and I had awesome sex today also, probably the best in a minute. I wish I felt like making out with him I miss it so much, idk how to bring up his breath though without hurting his feelings. But I really miss kissing, it doesn't seem like he does though. It reminds me of when I first started staying over with him again in denton when he was still talking to Veronica. Like first first. Super weird thoughts as like he reminded me a week or so ago. But then I'm like does my breath stink? Has his always smelled this bad? Is something wrong or am I just gross and don't care?n idk im gonna have to bring it up at some point and it just sucks that i have to.

And I love my body and it sucks that I've been feeling so weird and off about it lately. Trying to be extra mindful to push those thoughts away when they start but it's hard. I think it's the physical therapy and all the mirrors and feeling gross with the way I walk now. Idk. Gotta push those thoughts aside it doesn't fucking matter and I love my body and I feel beautiful I really really do. And I don't feel like I need anybody to tell me that anymore. Please god let me get my fucking hair done on Sunday like I'm supposed to please please please

Manifesting twice as much business next year!! I can do it!! Everything is amazing and beautiful and life is going so well for me and it will never stop because of how capable and determined and just frankly fucking awesome I am!! I love myself!!

[aseriesofunfortunatejan]

There's something that's been weighing on me for a bit, and I don't know who to turn to to ask for advice. Like I don't even know if there's a tag I could use for that.

This is about zines! Like fandom zines, draw-your-blorbo-for-this-zine zines. As a hobbyist digital artist who Posts Drawings Online, I often hear that participating in zines is great for practice and to get your name out there.

I definitely don't believe I'm consistently good enough to make it to the Cool Zines with the Popular Artists but there are zines that are open to all levels, right? I've been a bit shy about it, but every now and then I took a look. At this point, I've still never participated in one.

Last time I had hope was when I ran into a zine for a character with a small fandom, whom I personally like and have drawn a couple times before. The rules for the zine said it was beginner friendly, so it seemed ideal - if it's friendly to full-on beginners, it's probably friendly for an adult who just happens to be a slow learner when it comes to drawing... right?

But I completely lost hope when I read something along those lines: "We will be checking in regularly over the months with every artist to make sure their pieces are coming together. Our goal is to encourage every artist, even beginners, to spend time on and produce their best piece for this zine." I don't know if I'm transcribing this well, because it was a long time ago, but the implication was that you're supposed to work on your piece over the span of multiple months.

I don't know how to explain that this is not an option. The way I practice drawing is by finishing my piece all at once - and for bigger pieces (which may be what applies to what I'd produce for a zine), over a few days in a row. I don't like to play the I'm a Major and Neurodivergent card, but I know for a fact that when I have to spend a long time on a project, it actively ruins my life. Like think inability to be productive at all during the time I'm not working on a piece. Think exhausting myself mentally to the point it causes my work to be worse, not better because I spent a long time on it. Think heightened depression.

This is why I limited my commissions slots to 6, for example. When someone pays me to draw an entire cast of characters (which is usually what interests my clients), I know for a fact that my quality of work goes down the more I work on it. I know myself and I know that to be healthy AND produce my best work, it needs to be a one-and-done thing. (Pieces I've spent multiple days in a row on include this and this. But I've also completed fullbody pieces in a few hours, like this. Basically what I'm trying to prove is that I know and understand my own abilities.)

If I refused to comply and actually spend months on a piece to keep adding to it and "make it better" as expected, I would probably be perceived as a bad element, and that would make me Feel Bad because I Don't Do It On Purpose. I'm also not sure how I'd feel having someone who expects me to be able to continue working on a piece give me criticisms on a drawing I'm done with and honestly can't touch up anymore for the life of me? (I'm not really good at correcting a piece once I've rendered it lol.)

I don't know how to explain how depressing it was to me to read this line. It really made me feel like zines, even those open to hobbyists, are inaccessible to me. I'm not gonna sit here and call the creators of this zine ableist because I'm wondering if this isn't just... what is expected for every zine. It makes me feel awful and like I have no chance to ever participate in one. I don't know how to explain that I'm not rushing and being lazy, but I would in fact make my life a nightmare if I spent too much time on it, and I thought hobbies were for fun?

So this is my actual question for anyone who's familiar with fanzines: is this in fact the expectation for all zines? Are there zines that are known to be open for different working styles? Are there ways I can efficiently communicate my issue and be accepted without bothering the creators too much?

The pressure of performing well would already be a lot of stress for me, so if on top of that I weren't able to do the type of work expected of me, I'd feel like trash. If I'm accepted into a zine because my art level seems proper for it, can it be also accepted that I won't in fact spend a really long time on my piece? Like I'll take the time it needs. From my point of view.