#I'm having a whole cultural epiphany here

[hedonistbyheart]

It's so funny to realise that some animals just have attached names to me because of nursery rhymes.

Like, a spider is naturally attached to the name Peter for me because "peter edderkop" is like a whole thing in my head, entirely seperate from the concept of Spiderman (the spider in the song was named Peter by 1948 so he isn't named after Spiderman).

A fox is naturally connected to the name "Mikkel" as in "Mikkel ræv" because that's just what foxes are called in Danish conversation. The fox and the hound is called "Mads og Mikkel" in Danish.

I wonder why we do that with some animals.

[shizucheese]

So you know how there are some people who like to attack/ vilify those who don't like Lae'zel and they try to paint it as a sexism thing or claim it's "because she's not conventionally attractive" or w/e and then bring up Astarion and Shadowheart "because they're racist too" in the same breath? I think I had a bit of an epiphany on this that needs to be shared. Putting content warnings here as well as in the tags just to make sure we're thoroughly covered: references to trama, physical and verbal abuse, SA, toxic family dynamics, religious trauma, and religious zealotry ahead. Also note that this doesn't just apply to people whose favorite character is Astarion and/ or Shadowheart, I'm just focusing on them since they're the ones people complaining about people not liking Lae'zel always bring up.

Okay, now with all that out of the way... I think the people who complain about people not liking Lae'zel but liking Astarion and Shadowheart and fixating on the whole "but they're racist too" argument miss some pretty major points regarding why a lot of people like Astarion and Shadowheart and how the way Lae'zel treats you in Act 1 is a major factor. A lot of people like Astarion and Shadowheart because on some level, they relate to them. Maybe they came from a household where one or more adult was abusive (physically or verbally), narcissistic, overbearing and/ or controlling. Or maybe it was a friend or romantic partner, or more than one, who used them and abused them and treated them like dirt. Or maybe they're an SA survivor. Or maybe they have religious trauma, and maybe that religious trauma is exacerbated by the fact that they have people in their lives who refuse to change their views, or even double down on them, even when shown evidence that contradicts their beliefs. Or maybe it's some combination of these.

Even the reasons why Astarion doesn't like the Gur and Shadowheart doesn't like Githyanki is steeped in trauma: it was a group of Gur beating Astarion nearly to death that lead to him being tricked by Cazador into becoming his spawn (and if he hadn't been turned into a vampire, he would have died), and Shadowheart makes multiple references to the fact that she saw githaynki cut down her comrades during her mission with some serious brutality.

A lot of these people who identify with Astarion and Shadowheart because of their own past traumas have promised themselves that they're never going to let anyone teat them that way, speak to them that way, try to control them, act like they own them, etc. etc. ever again. I know that's what happened to me. Now let's look at how Lae'zel treats you in Act 1, shall we? She's verbally abusive. When you try to talk to her, she simply replies to you with "Speak" as if you're some kind of dog. When she first propositions you for sex, she's still at her most abusive towards you, but because you fight good, she wants to lick your skin, taste your sweat, and "take what's hers." Even once the entire party knows--because we literally all see it in action with our own eyeballs--that the only thing preventing us from becoming either brain washed slaves to the Absolute or just straight up becoming mind flayers is the Astral Prism, she still keeps trying to take it and return it to the githyanki, even going so far as to try and kill Shadowheart for it. Even when her loyalty to her culture nearly gets her killed in the Zaithisk, and you tell her the true nature of it, she refuses to accept the reality and tries to blame the doctor, who she accuses of being a traitor, rather than accept that no, actually, it was working exactly as intended. It takes Voss showing up at our camp after everything else that had happened, and telling her the truth about Orpheus--something we had already been told about and found books covering before that point--to get her to even consider the fact that um actually maybe Vlaakith is evil (something that coming face to face with her and her nearly killing us didn't even convince her of).

All of these things I've described about Lae'zel in Act 1 are things that can be incredibly triggering to someone who has experienced any of the traumatic experiences I described above that has resulted in people identifying with and latching onto Astarion and Shadowheart. And like....does Lae'zel get better in Acts 2 and 3? Sure. But by that point, the damage has been done. And like in real life, Lae'zel isn't owed anything just because by Act 2 she's clearing the bear minimum of not being straight up abusive to your character. People aren't required to stop ranking her as their least favorite character, or straight up not liking her, after the way she treats you for the first third of the game. Especially not when that "first third" can easily be the part of the game you spend the most time in, with you spending dozens of hours in that part of the game, which also means they're spending the most time with Lae'zel before her character improves at all. Like I'm not saying that the ven diagram between "people who relate to Astarion and Shadowheart because of trauma" and "people who don't like Lae'zel" is a perfect circle, but the overlap is probably a way rounder oval shape than people who are too busy insisting that if she were a handsome man she would totally be popular appreciate. Before I wrap this up, I want to touch on that last part because I think it's important to address. I've seen people make that claim, but would Lae'zel really be more popular if she were a guy? I haven't seen a single person who makes this claim say they would like Lae'zel more if she were a guy. What I have seen is multiple people say in response that they would actually like her less if she had been a guy, which is honestly also how I feel.

Maybe this is something worth exploring in a separate post someday, but I would actually argue that the only reason Lae'zel works as a party member at all is because she's a woman. Flip her gender and she becomes an abusive man who treats you like you're beneath him and who says he wants to taste your skin and your sweat and claim ownership of your body as the first "nice" thing he ever says to you. As a woman who already has to deal with the general sexism of our society (including lawmakers trying to take ownership of our bodies and make medical decisions for us instead of leaving it between us and our doctors), especially a woman with multiple male-dominated hobbies, that's something I would find incredibly triggering--(even more so than I already found Lae'zel's sex proposition, which already made me super uncomfortable and had me thinking "wow imagine if a guy said this"). That's not "edgy and mysterious;" a man who treats you poorly but still thinks he's entitled to you/ your body, would be the poster boy for toxic masculinity, and I can promise you that more people would have taken issue with a character like that than they do with Lae'zel as she is.

Especially people with trauma like what I described at the beginning of this..

[redbayly]

Zutara Fic Progress

Currently trying to get my next chapter finished for "Hot Ice, Strange Snow" and I'm getting close to smashing my laptop in frustration. It's been over a month since I've updated and I'm furious with myself.

I am so close. So very close and I want to post the chapter so badly. I probably shouldn't even be distracting myself by writing this, but it's like 1:00am and I'm tired and want to ramble.

I've been reveling in Northern Water Tribe worldbuilding and developing Gran-Gran's backstory beyond just "she was engaged to Pakku and ran away because arranged marriage sucks." There's this whole thing about how regressive policies get passed and some stuff about access to education and student activism and protests.

And then I began writing in stuff about classism and bullying and academic pressure and domestic abuse and reproductive rights and how inherently horrifying the idea of forced marriage actually is. I kind of went off when thinking about all the ways NWT culture probably messes with the people who are part of it. Not that I'm making everything and everyone terrible, I've just been thinking far too much about how sexism influences and shapes culture and people.

Obviously, Katara ain't having any of this shit.

Also, I've decided to make Yugoda a more notable character because she deserved better than, like, five or six lines of dialogue and two background appearances.

Anyway, here's where I'm at story-wise.

(spoilers ahead)

I've dived head-first into Katara starting an underground waterbending class as part of her master plan for a full-on social revolution. In doing this, I ended up giving Katara a bunch of new friends around her age and made things ten times more complicated for myself by building those OCs as characters and using them to explore the effects of NWT sexism.

Aang is having some problems in Pakku's class and unintentionally offends people wherever he goes. He also gets caught up in some tension among the Water Tribe boys that he doesn't really understand.

Sokka gets to witness the effects of sexism on a society and has a proper epiphany about why Katara has always been so mad about it. Like, not just realizing girls can fight, but finally understanding the deeper problems. He has therefore decided to be a supportive big brother who aids and abets in illegal activities if they are for a good purpose. Also, he's thinking of busting out the Kyoshi Warrior uniform for good measure because non-bender girls need a teacher, too (yes, he still has the uniform. He was wearing it when they left Kyoshi and he's not going to get rid of something that important. It's a travesty that he never got to wear it again in the original series).

The main part I'm struggling to get through is the Zuko sections. I've got him into and out of a seedy tavern and onto a northbound merchant ship where he's learning that, while being a deckhand isn't great, you can't yell at people to solve your problems. I'm trying to figure out him having a meaningful chat with the captain who hired him to give him some sort of important life lesson but I'm still feeling stuck.

I'm so sorry, Zuko. You've been taking kind of a back seat in this chapter. I promise, you'll get your spotlight back soon. You just need to get up north and reunite with the Gaang (and especially with Katara).

[omegatheunknown]

Top 10 of 2023 -- Theatrical Releases

Started using letterboxd as a journal two years ago, mostly so I could remember just how recently I'd watched Big Trouble in Little China or Hot Fuzz, but also to hit 'em with of the moment reviews and ratings fresh from the theatre. Which is to say, I'm a little nervous to see what'll come up at the top, but let's take a trip.

10- The Boogeyman (**1/2) - Technically in theatres for a week or two. Buried otherwise, a low stakes King adaptation/remake/reboot that makes the list so I don't have to say anything about AntMan, Elemental, Renfield, or, god forbid, Mario. Effective horror, kind of a neat creature at the center of it, pleasantly surprised that I didn't hate it.

9- Asteroid City (***) - Did lead to a minor personal epiphany, so not all bad. The amount of meta-fictional artifice (lest we for a second want to empathize or consider Wes' paper doll characters in his paper doll theatre as being recognizably human) has gone well-beyond the 'as Royal Tenenbaum' and 'let me tell you about my boat,' past the authorial frame of the Grand Budapest and as of The French Dispatch, Mssr Anderson is now almost entirely preoccupied with stories within stories and it is actually very annoying. (The minor epiphany is that I have also been doing this, as metafiction delights me too, Wes, but why should anyone else care?) Anyway, highlight here is the usual meticulous design, the ridiculous stop-motion sequence, some crackerjack dialogue (muted because now every character has the same blunted affect and without subtitles I sorta glazed over in parts) and these movies remain quite funny.

8- Barbie (***1/2) - Watched a lot of pablum this year, most of it with very naked corporate ambition. Barbie's central trick is to critique itself and the very cynical context in which it critiques itself and hopefully contain within it the entire discourse (good luck to you.) Wish I hadn't had to listen to people earnestly tell me how brilliant and resonant certain 'pause for applause' moments were, but the humour may well stand the test of time, and people were rightly hyped on Ryan Gosling's over-delivery on what once was seen as an unlikely bit of casting.

7- Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 3 (***1/2) - Not too proud to admit I was, in 2023, still kind of excited to see this one (1) marvel movie. Crisp Rat aside, the Guardians deliver best on the comic-to-screen vibe and rarely seem embarrassed with their source, leading to the intense emotional journey of a CGI mutant raccoon bounty hunter reckoning with his maker, no winking involved. Rocket Raccoon is my fucking guy, anyway, no more of these, please and thanks.

6- Dungeons and Dragons, Honor Among Thieves (***1/2) - Yeah, okay, more popcorn flick pablum. Hasbro hoping to further capitalize on the pop culture rise of and monetize and micro-transaction-atize and thereby enshitiffy one of my dearest hobbies (I am diversifying away from D&D TM) looming large in the background here, given the whole OGL blowback it was briefly reasonable large portions of diehards might boycott this thing. Anyway, saw it, liked it, succeeded wildly in the goal of effectively conveying what it's actually like to play a fantasy ttrpg, all the weird in-jokes, wild variations in tone, hand-waving and quirks of 'the rules' there for snorts of recognition. Cannot imagine this was much fun for non-players, but maybe.

5- Across the Spider-Verse (****) - Extremely hyped, but hopefully not the zenith of the trilogy, a lot is riding on part 3, which is thankfully due, uhhh, sometime next year? Dragged out its ending laying more groundwork, but before then, another ceiling breaking exercise in contemporary animation, an almost non-stop kinetic kaleidoscope of visual creativity that augurs well for animation's continued evolution.

4- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in Mutant Mayhem (****) - Speaking of. Now, I've loved the Turtles since I was 4 years old, so my personal belief has always been, even though I love the 1990 rubber-suited cash grab, that the central premise is something that in the right hands can actually be objectively good, as opposed to personally delightful to me. This is that movie, the good Ninja Turtles movie. 'Teenage' -- to the point of being endearingly, obnoxiously immature, 'Mutant' -- to the point that the world around them is just as grody and fucked up looking as they are, 'Ninja' -- with sly handheld camera angles and satisfyingly fluid motion to rival Spiderverse, and uh, 'Turtles' -- they sure fucking are. I loved this. Jackie Chan forever.More, please.

3- Humanist Vampire Seeking Consenting Suicidal Person (****) - Exceedingly Quebecois take on the contemporary hipster vampire movie, Can-con for my list. Canadian Indies in 2023 are strikingly similar to American Indies from 2008, if that at all recommends. Ranks high for efficient self-contained everything, very charming, funny, just bizarre enough.

2- The Boy and the Heron (****1/2) - Easy to feel like this is a Ghibli greatest hits compilation, easier to remember that's what we all kinda want-- cute and unsettling creatures, delicious looking food, spirit worlds, quiet moments of reflection, arcane rules for how any and everything works... yet also maybe the truest return to the titanic achievements of Princess Mononoke and Spirited Away (especially.) Story forms a suitably esoteric thesis about grief and creation and, ultimately, endings. I think Miyazaki might actually be done this time.

1- Godzilla Minus One (*****) - An entirely different movie than Shin Godzilla, very possibly even better. It's tense (Godzilla hasn't felt creepy like this for a while.) It's emotional (rivals Godzilla vs Biollante in its human story.) It's very naked in its message (ah, the guilt.) The action is superb. I do not know where Godzilla goes from here. (Mothra!)

(Haven’t seen: Poor Things, Bottoms, Napoleon, the Killer, a bunch of other crap.)

[nightlyponder]

"Take math class as an example. In a course using the applications-first method, you first learn the formula and practice applying it. After seeing how this formula leads to the right answer again and again, you then move on to understand the concept underpinning it. This means you may spend 80% of your time focusing on the concrete tool and how to apply it and only 20% of your time considering its conceptual or theoretical explanation. School systems in Anglo-Saxon countries tend to emphasize this method of teaching [. . .] School systems in Latin Europe, the Germanic countries, and Latin America tend to emphasize [principles-first] method of teaching."

You mean to fucking tell me that the reason why I struggled with geometry in high school until I got to pre-calculus is because my brain preferred a principles-first method the whole damn?? This whole time I'm out here fighting for my life to make geometry make sense to me, it wasn't because I was lacking, it was because I required a different form of teaching that has an actual name.

Because that was my literal beef with geometry and why I was shook when I got to pre-calculus. I distinctly remember have an epiphany in my pre-cal class over the explanation of how we get the equations for the diameter and radius of a circle, the equations finally making sense in my head 2 years after taking geometry, because the applications-first method wasn't how my mind needed to learn those concepts.

This is a book about understanding workplace behaviors across cultures and this one example in the chapter of persuasion really blew my mind.

Maybe if I had attended a school that was principles-first, I would've had higher grades and maybe it would've been more fun for me.

[enparallel]

Book report: Winter in the Air

Winter in the Air, Sylvia Townsend Warner

This is a book of short stories, which is objectively the most difficult fiction of them all. There are 18 separate realities in these few pages, and they are each inhabited by totally separate beings. It's like going to an enormous party full of interesting people and talking with one after another after another, there are always more people to talk to, you never go back to the one you already decided you did/did not like, it is only the party as a whole you judge at the end. AND it's not fair to say "well it was lovely but now I'm exhausted" because the exhaustion was going to happen no matter who was there, wasn't it? You can't blame the concept of parties.

So: I talked to some great stories. These were mostly all published in The New Yorker, in a big stretch of time but possibly 1938-1955. The pithy little images STW creates are some of the best I've ever read for revealing a character's #relatable but not even remotely generic observations and conditions; she forms a person up in a few opinions stated in a few words and she's highly amusing in the process. The materiality of her settings! the economy of her skewerings! the desolation of her heartbreaks, all the more because half these characters have the epiphany that they've thrown their lives away on nothing and will VERY OBVIOUSLY go have a good sandwich and put it out of their heads forever.

A couple gorgeous sentences: "...one must have a small decency-bit of time in which to lick one's wounds and wring the sea-water of shipwreck out of one's hair." "It was a dislikeable room, mutilated by the remodelling, which had shorn it for a bathroom. The tree beyond the bedroom window, she thought...--even the tree, in itself a pleasant thing, must be contemplated as a sparrow-rack, where, from the first light onward, sparrows would congregate and clatter, making sleep impossible." (both from "Winter in the Air")

"It was late October. The trees had already shed most of their leaves, which were quietly consuming in bonfires. Those which remained hung motionless, their colours burning against the deep blue of the sky. All the shabbiness of late summer was gone. The grass had renewed its green, the plane trees had stripped off their sooty bark, the picnicking parties contained no inelegant nudes or panting dogs. It was as though summer, after a purgatory of equinoctial rain and gales, had come back ensainted." ("Shadwell")

The other thing about the unity of form and audience in these stories is that is exposes the formulaic nature of the model: the single heartfelt detail that creates the fatal twist, the twist that creates the re-narrativizing of the entire past and/or future, the way love and being true to yourself simultaneously is the only worthwhile path and yet also so unsatisfactory, muddy and full of potholes and not in the direction one would prefer. No one gets what they want here, unless it is as comeuppance, and we look at them from on high where we can appreciate the full distance between the inchoate longings of the soul and the crappy little options the body manages to locate. It rings perfectly true in some chambers and flatly ridiculous in others. It would be a lot easier to appreciate if more or less every story didn't work in the exact same pattern.

Does every story work in the exact same pattern? IDK, because I didn't wholly get the reference on a couple of them and am left flatfooted at the turn from relation of events to Meaningful Sentence. I frickin love the subtle accumulation of evidence suddenly revealed to display the Whole-Ass Answer of what's going on but a lot of it depends on cultural touchstones in common and I don't have a full matching set with STW. I'm definitely keeping the book longer to google what's going on in the bits where I can feel how it comes together but I don't understand WHY. (This is actually exactly what it felt like to read New Yorker stories as a late teen or whatever. I just don't know enough and everything is references and inferences from references. Foundational literary trauma.) Possibly googling them will teach me how to pull these tricks off better myself, and then I can assuage my cultural anxiety by putting a bunch of footnotes to explain the joke and then pretending the footnotes are also jokes so that no one feels condescended to or excluded.

Anyway if this is STW's random party behavior commercial fiction I suspect I'll love visiting her house her novels.

[deviantartdramahub]

I have to get something off my chest because it seems like I'm the only one who truly understands/registers this.

To start, I have a friend, in fact they're also a friend of Moonbeam13 and corresponds to her area, who is a member of the native Iroquois in Ontario, and he was submitting a painting to DeviantArt depicting the legendary (but probably existent) figure Atotarho from Iroquois folk history. He was a tyrant who was reformed and became our first ruler.

A DeviantArt mod came by and, their attention having been caught by the picture, came to confront him about it. They told us, "this is f**ish content, this kind in particular isn't allowed".

This brings me to the whole point of this post. To those who I was arguing with the other day: Not everything that involves clotheslessness is carnal in nature or even a nood. Sometimes it's preceded and surpassed by what it represents. A lot of things are like that. That is the point I want to share.

In this case, all pictures of Atotarho before his redemption depict him with a long, eh, you get the idea. Anaconda if you will. In Iroquois narrative, long and overgrown things are associated with two powers, orenda (uki) and otkon, which are two sides of what many might call mana or chi. So here it's symbolic and in turn cultural, and there are also little mini-rules over what is treated this way to represent what. It just is, whether or not you consider it insufficiently self-explanatory or not, and it's difficult to explain to someone outside the culture the logic behind it. It's a subject matter similar in idea to how Greek statues are always unclad. The Greeks valued physique so much that to be clothed in statue form was considered the shameful act, as opposed to modern people who always put clothes on statues, yet nobody really complains that total tenderfoots are viewing what amounts to unclad art with an excuse attached.

So anyways, imagine the difficulty my friend was having as he tried to explain to a mod that framing a painting of Atotarho as being in the same league as an artwork by the likes of Karbo was the same as taking it out of context. Sometimes even seemingly completely obviously interpretable things have a context that is much different than believed.

Eventually, on orders of Moonbeam13, who currently has a more active role in rule enforcement than she has had at the beginning of the year, the mod deemed the argument won in their (the mod's) favor and took the work down and suspended my friend. As a Native American and Native American historian, I am disappointed to see something like this that ended in the departure of my friend. As a high ranking supposedly liberal member of her area, Moonbeam13 gives me the epiphany I don't like what kind of facade this site is turning out to be.

A part of me wants to ask if that was necessary for that, but I know I'd probably lose in the insight department there.

[celticbotanart]

SO, I went from Genshin music to Loreena Mckennitt (the thought process there is too convoluted and ADHD to explain so bear with me), and I was listening to one of my favorites by her, "Santiago"

reading the comments on the album version, someone said this is a version of a Galician medieval song called "Non É Gran Cousa" and now I'm having a blast here with all the "old Portuguese" medieval songs

See, I'm Brazilian, Brazil was colonized by Portugal, and (colonization and why it sucks aside) I also love to use this type of music as "Brazilian High Fantasy Elves" or "Brazilian Pirates Sea Shanties" sort of concept for my OCs AUs, so here's the suggestion if you're looking for something similar! Also because Brazil has some batshit crazy History, the whole "BR High Fantasy/Brazilian Sea Shanties" concept fits so perfectly - you see, the Northeast of Brazil was colonized by the Dutchs for a while ; I know since childhood of this Northeastern musician/singer who sang this song years ago:

"Abrição de Portas" ("the opening of doors" or something like that) as I came to learn a while back was actually a Brazilian Portuguese version of a Galician medieval song called "Santa Maria Strela do Dia" ("Saint Mary, Daylight Star")

I freaking love this version because it's a full on choir of people singing, and they also step rhythmically on a wooden surface, so the BR Sea Shanty headcanon brainrot just grows stronger hnnnnnng Both of them sound super Entering Medieval VillageTM, and I LOVE it that we can use the fact that it is not in English to play different types of scenarios with it. By the way, both "Non É Gran Cousa" and "Santa Maria Strela do Dia" are apparently part of this huge Galician collection of poetries and songs called "Cantigas de Santa Maria" (Songs of Saint Mary).

People are always so surprised I know a fuckton of different genres of music and weird ass stuff, it's usually because I got to the thing totally by accident or SomeoneTM introduced me to that Very Specific Thing lol.

I also had the epiphany recently that Brazilian Sea Shanties can TOTALLY be..... lavadeiras ("Washerwomen") singing. I'm not sure about other parts of the world, but there's a whole deal and culture of them here and their singing has pretty much the same function as sea shanties - to chase the boredom and the work roughness away, rhymth markers, etc. The best thing is that Lavadeiras are women, usually middle-aged women; I'm sorry but imagine pirates like that. I need that in my life sdfhsdjfhskdjf (Not to mention, these ladies are awesome and adorable <3)

Some Brazilian protest songs from the 60s might serve as well as "shanties", like Arueira here (which has sort of a "nautical" theme to it, mentioning protesters as if they are sailors under a merciless master)

Anyway, this is a convoluted AF post, but I thought it would be interesting since people know jackshit about Brazil, and it's always cool to see people's reactions when I say stuff like "Brazil was colonized by the Dutchs for a while" or "Brazil has the biggest black and Japanese communities outside their countries of origin", so take this whole post as just me blabbering about music, AUs and Brazilian culture/History!

[volturialice]

How did you figure out that you were ace? I have trauma in my past so I don't know if that's why I don't care about sex. My only sexual encounters were mediocre and/or traumatic. But I don't CARE enough to try and go have "good" experiences. I barely have sexual interest and even my SI fantasies and fanfics never really focus on sex. Am I ace? Am I demi? Do I just have a low libido? Any advice would be lovely!!

hmmm. most of what I have to go off of is personal experience (and hopefully some other aspec friends and followers will chime in too!) but based purely on what you've said here, I would guess you do fall somewhere on the ace spectrum. but take my opinion with a grain of salt!

figuring out I was ace was a long process—I can't recall any one Eureka moment or epiphany or anything, it was more like years of going, "am I? could I be? I think I am." pretty much the same thing you're doing! basically, the more I learned about what being asexual/aspec was, the more it fit with my own identity and experiences.

I think I first heard of the concept of asexuality in my late teens, and by then I had noticed I was Different. I had kissed/made out with a few guys and felt...absolutely nothing. no attraction or repulsion, no desire to go further, just sort of a "huh. this is boring. do other people actually like this? am I doing something wrong? but he seems into it."

of course my first thought at the time was that I must be a lesbian, but I found the prospect of sex/physical stuff with girls equally meh. I felt the same way about them as I do about guys (and enbys, agender people, the whole gender spectrum) namely: "some of them are good-looking and cool and I would like to date them, but when it comes to the prospect of sex with them I am utterly indifferent." (spoiler alert: I am sex-indifferent.)

[very long reflection and some links under the cut]

which is a disconnect I had always felt, tbh. when I hit puberty and everyone started obsessing over sex and physical stuff, I was deeply confused. why had all my friends lost their minds? why were they letting guys treat them so badly, or hooking up with someone they didn't even like just because he/she was "good?" (were the people I made out with just "bad" at it somehow, and that's why I didn't enjoy myself?) people would casually talk about feeling horny or wanting to fuck some celebrity or classmate or whoever as if those feelings were a universal experience I could totally relate to, and I would kind of, like. nod along and laugh uncomfortably because I absolutely couldn't relate to them. but I was told that I did. all the adults in my life assumed that as a teenager, I must be a horny little libido monster, and treated/educated/socialized me accordingly. to say nothing of how hard pop culture was telling me I definitely, totally wanted sex.

tbh my first clue that I was ace should have been that everything physical I did with romantic partners felt like something I was checking off a list, or like I was trying to fit some invisible rubric of Normal Level Of Sexual Activity For Teenager. oh, I'm sixteen? Taylor Swift told me I should have had my first kiss last year, better get on that. The CW is telling me I should lose my virginity and learn to give blowjobs/oral right around now; I'll add those to the list.

but none of it was anything I was particularly eager to do—it felt like homework. like, "here are the hoops you must jump through to be seen as Normal." there didn't seem to be space for someone who didn't want to do those things with any gender—that meant you were deviant or broken in some way. (it doesn't, of course.)

let's talk real quick about being sex-repulsed vs. sex-indifferent (there are also various other subcategories, but those are the two I hear most often). they're pretty much exactly what it says on the tin: sex-repulsed people find the idea of sex actively uncomfortable or gross or off-putting, and generally don't want to think about or see sex, much less have it themselves. sex-indifferent people don't particularly want sex, but for the most part don't mind exposure to sexual stuff.

I identify as sex-indifferent. like, sure, I'd have sex if I was in a committed relationship and my partner wanted to, but I'll never just want sex for the sake of sex, y'know? at no point have I ever wanted to hook up with a stranger, or a friend with benefits, even under the safest, most hygienic circumstances ever.

for me there's a disconnect between my own libido and other people. I can masturbate. I can look at other people and feel mental or emotional or even aesthetic attraction, but even when all three of those are going on I don't usually feel sexual attraction (I can count the number of people I have felt sexual attraction to in my entire life on one hand, and still have two fingers left. I think technically this makes me grey-a or demisexual, but I find it easier to just say "ace" most of the time unless someone asks follow-up questions.)

so let's compare my experience to yours a little closer. now, I personally can't speak much about the role of past sexual trauma here—I don't have any myself and I haven't researched the intersection of trauma and ace-ness much, except to know that the two are often confused for each other but are actually neither mutually inclusive nor exclusive. but there are definitely people out there who have experienced the whole enchilada and can probably speak about this much better than I can, if you go looking!

"My only sexual encounters were mediocre and/or traumatic"

I would say this on its own is a neutral when it comes to ace/allo-ness. follow-up questions I might ask myself in your place: what made the mediocre encounters mediocre? was my partner inattentive or inconsiderate in some way, or were they doing everything "right" but just not doing it for me?

"But I don't CARE enough to try and go have "good" experiences."

this one is a bigger indicator of probable aspec-ness, IMHO. one of the ways I realized I was ace was hitting a certain age and going, huh, why haven't I lost my virginity yet despite having tons and tons of opportunities? I'm an attractive woman in college, surrounded by other attractive young people, many of whom would jump at the chance to have sex with me and are probably very good at it. why have I just never done that? and why doesn't the idea appeal to me at all?

questions to ask yourself: if the perfect opportunity to have sex fell into my lap (whatever those circumstances look like for you) and all I had to do was consent, would I?

"I barely have sexual interest"

could just be a low libido, but sounds pretty aspec to me. I'd examine the whys and hows here: do you only experience sexual interest under highly specific circumstances? is it ever directed toward real people in your life, or only fictional characters and celebrities?

"and even my SI fantasies and fanfics never really focus on sex."

big same on the self-insert fantasies. growing up, the self-inserts I wrote or imagined were always a canon character's sister or daughter or friend, and never ended up in a romantic/sexual relationship with any of the canon characters—that idea made me uncomfortable and I didn't get why other people's self-inserts existed for that sole purpose, lol. these days I no longer make self-inserts, but I read/write smut because a) it feels like a fun challenge, and b) I see it as another way to advance plot/reveal character/build intimacy between characters, kind of a neutral thing.

"Am I ace? Am I demi? Do I just have a low libido?"

at the end of the day, I can't answer this definitively. no one else can tell you that you are or aren't aspec, because you know yourself and your feelings (or lack thereof, lol) best.

I can tell you that based solely on this ask, I think you're somewhere on the ace spectrum—but I could be dead wrong (I've never met you, and even if I had, I am tragically not a mind- or emotion-reading vampire.)

also, like, there's no pressure here! you can identify as ace today and change your mind tomorrow, and that's completely 100% fine. there's not like an objective, quantifiable truth to be found about whether you are/aren't aspec—it's a label you can take or leave based on your own experiences and feelings.

and however you decide to identify, I hope this helped! I'm gonna link some articles that pose more questions and frame things in different, useful ways.

https://www.asexuality.org/?q=overview.html

https://time.com/2889469/asexual-orientation/

https://www.healthline.com/health/what-is-asexual

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a37039862/am-i-asexual/

[vivithefolle]

I'm a bit confused. You said in one post that you thoroughly dislike Hermione and that you had no respect for her at all. Yet ... you like Romione? idk, it seems contradictory tbh. I like when Romione shippers acknowledge her flaws and messed up moments but when someone that dislike and even hate her character that much ships Romione and I see them posting about them and calling them "cute" just seems weird

I’ll share with you my whole thought process so you can understand where I’m coming from:

Itty-bitty Vivi who read Harry Potter for the first time (at 13/14, so not so itty-bitty I guess, oops): Woaaah Hermione and Ron yaay!!! They're awesome I love them! They're my OTP always and forever!! Best thing to happen in Harry Potter!! JKR is a genius!

Slightly less itty-bitty Vivi discovering the Harry Potter fandom online (thankfully years after the ship wars, else I probably wouldn't have survived): Why is there so much hate towards Ron? And why are people so opposed to Romione?? It was meant to be since the first book! Or, okay, the second book is when I realized it was gonna happen, but still! Oh well, here is a fic where Hermione berates Ron for everything and he is the only one actually working for their relationship. Cool, more Romione!

Even less itty-bitty Vivi starting her own Tumblr and going around, adding her grain of salt to debates and talking about stuff: Yeah! Ron is great! He's done bad things of course but Hermione has done her fair share of bad things too! Actually, now that I'm rereading the books, I'm reminded of this person I used to call a friend, who was quite smart and cultured but would often be very harsh to me because they claimed it was “for your own good" and “because I'm more mature than you"… I still wanted to be around them, because they were just so smart and passionate, but we often rowed and eventually they really just went too far and tried to make ME out to be the bad guy and most people believed them because they had a reputation as someone cool and logical while I was known for being emotional… wait, what the fuck, that's… that's exactly what happens in the fandom with Ron and Hermione! What the fuck, was I Ron? Admired their intelligence, praised and supported them, fell in love even but was met with scorn and open disdain?!… no, no, come on. Hermione wasn't that bad.

Vivi rereading Half-Blood Prince (and no, this wasn't about the canaries, but about what Hermione was doing after): Oh my god she was that bad.

Vivi as she ponders alternately: Wait, what about JK Rowling? What does she think about all that? What was her intention, what did she want to accomplish with the characters? I know books belong to their readers but if I want as objective an analysis as possible I must try to understand her thought process while she wrote.

Vivi learning about a staple of British literature called “literary alchemy”: The quarreling couple!! Sulfur and Mercury, the Red King and the White Queen, who must marry for the story to end happily!! And their union is represented by… a rose!! Oh my god, that is brilliant, that is so cool! Romione was ALWAYS going to happen, I knew it! Ha!

Vivi discovering the “[Ron] needed to make himself worthy of Hermione” quote: Wha… but… what? Worthy? As if Hermione was some sort of precious trophy or whatever? What the hell? Wait, Ron had to make himself worthy of her but Hermione didn't have to make herself worthy of him? Is it because Ron is the boy or some shit like that??

Vivi going through JK Rowling's interviews and finding sexism and double-standards galore: Yep, it's because he's the boy. And that bit about Hermione being based off herself when she was younger… ouch. And to top it off the scriptwriter pretty much worshipped Hermione…

Vivi rereading the books again: Is it just me, or does Ron hardly ever get any praise or acknowledgement from the adult characters? Meanwhile Harry and Hermione get stuff like “as good as Charlie Weasley" or “brightest witch of her age"! And, damn, I used to side with Hermione because I love cats, but she was completely awful in POA! She apologized but then the plot made her out to be right even then?? And I always thought her Yule Ball entrance was kinda over-the-top, but damn if that's not compensating for something! Also what the hell, I get that Harry is suffering and all but will someone PLEASE pay attention to the fact that Ron is being bullied BY A FOURTH OF THE STUDENT BODY AND NOBODY SEEMS EVEN REMOTELY CONCERNED????? Also what the hell is wrong with the sixth book, I never liked it much but it's like it's trying to make every character look bad, wtf?? And, and, holy shit I never noticed but Ron was asking legit questions during the Horcrux Hunt debate but Harry kept deflecting or mocking him but it's still Ron who had to apologize in the end??? And I've read a whole post about how Hermione punching Ron is the appropriate reaction for a very small child and not a supposedly “mature" character, and that Harry had to SHIELD RON FROM HER, oh my god?? It's… oh my god, what the fuck is wrong with JK Rowling?

Vivi, in denial: Well, Harry Potter is decidedly not a romance. It's about love, but romantic love is quite far down the priority list when it comes to it. JKR has herself confessed that she wasn't too good at writing romance, and I don't blame her because writing romance is hard. But I did enjoy Romione! When I was little I saw it coming from a mile away, granted I was already savvy in literature but that must have been because she was doing something right! And then the sixth book happened… the sixth book which… which was released after the Harry Potter movies were being filmed, wasn't it?

Vivi looking up the timelines: Oh my god. Oh my god it's even worse, the movies were being discussed before Goblet of Fire came out. Come to think of it, I always found that the Trio felt… different, after Prisoner of Azkaban. Harry and Ron especially felt like they had gotten dumber? And Hermione was suddenly explaining everything when exposition used to be split between her and Ron…

Vivi, in mourning: So that's what happened. Ron ended up being shortchanged to make Hermione look better, because Rowling was fonder of Hermione than she was of Ron, and the scriptwriter too come to think of it. Curse you, Steve Kloves!!!

Vivi, who is nothing if not what Pokémon fans call a nostalgiafag: But… but… yeah, it sucks that Ron was shortchanged, and actually yeah it's a freaking travesty and I WILL freaking spread the world about this, mark my words, but, but I still… I can't help it, when Hermione “looked up at Ron and her frostiness seemed to melt" I melt too. When Ron compliments Hermione or tries to take care of her as much as he can I… it still does something to me, I still find myself rooting for them even if I know there's the awful sixth book and the stupid post-Locket beatdown. Their kiss, for God's sake, I've just realized that Ron may have swept Hermione off her feet physically, but it's Hermione who jumped him, you could say Hermione metaphorically swept Ron off his feet!! God damn it, that's good, that's so good!

Vivi, at war with herself: No, I can't let myself be blinded by nostalgia!! The facts are that Hermione shows borderline abusive - even actually abusive - behaviour, this can't be denied! I don't want to root for an abusive relationship! I don't want to root for a relationship that relies on my favourite character being dumbed down to work!!!

Vivi, about to uncover the secrets of the universe: … wait a second. I don't have to.

Vivi, having an epiphany: Reading Solstice Muse's Romione fanfics gives me such happiness because she just gets the characters! She doesn't portray Hermione as perfect and never fucking up, and she always treats what happens to Ron with respect… Well, especially since she can't play them off as a joke since she often makes Ron the POV character. But, yeah! I can still like Romione… if it's well-written. Which, well, isn't the case in the original books… at least, isn't the case anymore after Rowling's bias got the best of her. Even though they do have their great moments.

Vivi, finding purpose in her life: I am going to spread awareness. I am going to tell the world. Fuck, just rereading the books, I've noticed how blatant the favouritism is and how unbalanced it can be. No wonder the fandom seems to collectively scoff at Ron - the books themselves do whenever it's convenient for them! The fandom plays favourites, because the author herself played favourites, and the worst part is that she didn't even realize it! Imagine you spend your life getting into traumatic situations out of love for your friends who always receive compassion and validation for their feelings about said traumas, but YOUR trauma is hardly touched upon and in the rare case it is, it's only to be mocked or used against you… Fuck! You're a piece of work, JKR! And the fandom just swallows it whole like a bunch of lobotomized snakes! Screw it! Screw it, I'm going to say it like it is, and I'm going to say it LOUDLY! People are going to hear about what Ron goes through and we'll see if Harry and Hermione look like the only ones worthy of therapy then!!

Present day Vivi, as she scrolls through the (heavily filtered) Romione tag on AO3: Ugh, another Drarry… and another… and another… oh, a Hinny-centric fic for a change, cool but I'm looking for more Romione than that, sorry. Gah, why is it that Romione appears as a secondary ship everywhere but they can't get their own stories? I've just seen a Snupin come up for God's sake! Oh, finally, a full Romione!! *clicks* … … … awww that was so sweet. Kudos! Okay back to the search… oh, another one!! *clicks* … … … it's Ron-bashing. It's Ron-bashing and it's not tagged Ron-bashing and that's why it showed up in my search AND I'M GOING TO FREAKING RIOT-

[friskibitz]

m.......Monika for the ask meme? ^-^

access-chan my beloved

favorite thing about them

she's such a dork it's so frickin cute. i'm speaking mostly from the side stories of course because that's where her genuine personality can be seen, but i love it when she's more down-to-earth and stuff. it's also rly interesting how her confident persona really is this big facade, and she's fairy different inside

least favorite thing about them

the um ddlc

favorite line

it's from her song, but my favorite Your Reality lyric is probably "does my pen only write bitter words for those who are dear to me?"

brOTP

monika and the girls, but you know what? monika and player too. i think she needs to back off for everyone's health, and i'm not romantically interested in her, but i sure would like to be her friend

OTP

monika x the girls. leaning towards moni/sayo especially in the side stories, but ye

nOTP

not super into monika/mc, and like. base game moni/player sure is something. it's like you could make a whole game about how unhealthy that was

random headcanon

given her personality and stuff, she's totally the kind of person to secretly be into junk food. also i think it's funny if she's less caught up with popular culture than her friends

unpopular opinion

gestures to my thoughts on moni/player. i know a ton of ddlc fans love it, and i get it, but alsooo she really needs (needed?) to chill a bit. but then again there's the ending, which shows her like already backing down... i think i lost a concrete train of thought here but yeah.

but at the same time, she doesn't deserve to be demonized (which may or may not be unpopular?) deep down she really is genuinely well-meaning and kind, it's just that her epiphany is an absolutely horrible situation she was thrown into. not saying that means that what she did was no big deal, but i understand, and also i think she did just fine with trying to rectify her mistakes

who knows if these are unpopular. but they are opinions!

song i associate with them

other than the obvious Your Reality, Talking to the Moon by Bruno Mars is such a moni song

favorite picture of them

all of the girls are here, but i really do love her and the others just having a nice time. and also she's such a dork yet again, look at her instagram-perfect background and everything

[roswelldetails]

Episode 202: Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space - Details

EPISODE SUMMARY:

Liz (Jeanine Mason) is forced to put her latest experiment on hold after Rosa (Amber Midthunder) begins to struggle with her new life in Roswell. Reluctant to face the truth about his mother’s past, Michael (Michael Vlamis) turns his attention to helping Maria (Heather Hemmens), who is dealing with her own family crisis. Elsewhere, Isobel (Lily Cowles) agrees to join her mother for a day of spiritual healing to keep herself distracted. Finally, Rosa turns to Kyle (Michael Trevino) to learn the truth about what really happened the night she died. Tyler Blackburn and Trevor St. John also star. Lance Anderson directed the episode written by Eva McKenna (#202.) Original airdate 3/23/2020.

DETAILS:

Secret lab is in an Indian Boarding School that was shut down. The Air Force bought it. It's been empty for 40 years (i.e., since approx. 1979). Part of Alex's job is to monitor it.

Security was set up by Alex’s team. They follow orders and don’t ask questions. (But that also means other soldiers know about it.)

Max's password was password. 🙄

Liz lies to Rosa. "It was beautiful. The whole town came. Everyone joined in the rosario. Mom sang Las Golondrinas. Dad wanted you in a white dress but I insisted on your Live Through This t-shirt."

According to: https://blog.sevenponds.com/cultural-perspectives/tradition-spanish-funeral “Nine days after the death, the family holds a ceremony known as a “rosario.” It consists of candles, flowers, prayers and sharing memories of the person who has died. The rosario also takes place every year on the anniversary of the person’s death.”

Las Golondrinas

Rosa Nightmare #1… unclear when it started since it flowed directly from her on the couch, doing graffiti around town, seeing her dad. Assuming it starts when she goes to the Wild Pony, pours herself a drink, hesitates, and then Max appears.

Max and Rosa's exchange:.

"What are you waiting for? You have to stop Liz. Tell her she can't bring me back, Rosa."

"Why? Why don't you want her to save you?"

"I can't take it anymore. Just end it."

"They'll figure it out. They'll save you."

"I can't wait that long. It's like burning alive from inside."

"She's never going to stop trying."

"Then you have to stop her. Please!"

Rosa wants her sketchbook from the bookshelf in their room. (Later in the episode when she breaks in we see that the bookshelf is empty. Liz cleared out Rosa's things in 1x07.)

Rosa's old email everunclear@yahoo.com (90s music reference to the band Everclear).

Michael is experimenting by blow torching a piece of alien ship.

Apparently it was Lindsay (of Hank and Lindsay) that Michael made out with. Seeing as it's only been a month since Hank died (2 weeks passed in 2x01, Maria says in 2x02 that her mom has been missing for 2 weeks), and the big guy was pissed about Michael making out with her, she moves on pretty quickly!

Maria is meeting with a private detective.

Science babble! "Human tissue can obviously regenerate from stem cells. With the right methodology I could use your blood (Isobel) to make adjustments for alien physiology. I have to monitor exactly when cell degradation begins, down to the second. I can't miss it. Eight hours before I need to be back.

Michael is developing nanotechnology to make the transplant possible. "It's like replacing parts in a broken machine."

They harvested all of Noah’s primary organs. "I have his body parts in jars."

Isobel steals what looks like an empty syringe. But at the end of the episode she has the serum in it.

New brand of fake beer! (Last season it was always Copper black lager. Now it's Hunks and Heroes Lager! Broken bottles were on the ground in the cemetery, Wyatt Long is carrying a bottle at the beginning of the scene when he and Michael fight (which could tie him to the graffiti on Rosa's grave), and also has a bottle in front of him on his YouTube video.

Michael is holding a bag from Milikan Value Hardware Store.

Flint's report on Caulfield: "Shepherd Protocol was activated. Bodies were disposed of without incident. Local papers ran an item confirming that the long-scheduled demolition of the prison was a success."

Exchange between Jesse and Flint:

"Dad, I don't think we should have covered it up. People should know."

"Do you have any idea what would happen if we confirmed that alien specimens were once housed at Caulfield but are now suddenly gone? It'd be dismissed as fake news. Buried by a racist tweet within seconds. No, we need to make a bigger statement."

"'Cause justice can't be served until after disaster has struck."

"That's right."

Really don't want to transcribe the racist rant from Wyatt Long that Rosa watches, although I will if y'all demand it. I don't think it's relevant beyond Rosa learning the truth. However as a detail I want to note, the video is titled BUILD THE WALL! IN MEMORY OF KATE LONG and it's dated September 3, 2010 (so 2 years and a few months after they died). Amusing side note. The comments on the video. Great fake usernames:

fayhuman: Kate Long didn't deserve what happened.

Curious Murphy: I just donated to the cause!!

thecyberwitch48: is this really the best solution?

Isobel’s baby is at 5 weeks, the size of a lentil.

Isobel calls Ann "Mama". Good note for fic writers! 😉

Maria's class: "Woman as Warrior: Strength Training for the Mind, Body, and Spirit."

Under the Bridge - same location as in 1x03 where Liz finds Rosa's paint canister.

Maria's cards:

Maria DeLuca

Psychic Reader

Spirit Leader

Social Media Revitalizer

Great line: "The infinite reservoir of strength and healing within us all" 😂👏

Rosa's chart…

"What's this error here?"

"Must be a contaminated sample."

"No way. I'm meticulous."

Steph says regarding the error on Rosa’s test “Congrats. Looks like you just discovered a protein never before found in the human body. Or you didn't get the Flamin' Hot orange dust off your hands when you scrubbed in. Whichever's most likely."

Michael to Liz, "I was working. I went home to find formulas I worked out years ago…"

Rosa is reciting Niebuhr's Serenity Prayer, which is commonly used by AA and other 12 step programs.

Noah was struck by lightning directly in the heart.

Isobel’s moment of epiphany:

"Using your newfound goddess strength I want you to get up and throw your fear into the fire. Set yourself free. You're a warrior. You aren't afraid of anything. Draw upon your feminine power. Why are you hesitating, Isobel? The sooner you throw your paper in the fire the sooner you can leave."

"Look, it's not that simple, okay? I can't just throw this into the fire." Maria gasps and rubs her chest, similar to how she did when she realized her necklace was missing at the beginning in 1x10) "I'm trapped.

Ann: "This is my fault. I put too much pressure on you."

"It's nobody's fault. It's just here."

Maria: "Whatever it is, you can choose to set yourself free. Say it. 'Say I choose to set myself free.'"

"I choose to set myself free."

Maria: "Louder."

"I choose to set myself free."

Rosa breaks into the Crashdown. It mirrors her first nightmare in 2x01, but it's not a dream. She goes to her room, sees the empty bookshelf, goes to the closet, and snags a hidden bottle of tequila.

Camera lingers on Steph stuffing a bottle of nail polish remover in her purse. Note: she was actually doing her nails.

Michael and Alex's conversation mostly mirrors the information we learned from the file in last week's episode. She wasn't caught until October 1948 and the crash was June 1947. She was the last alien captured and admitted into Caulfield. Alex thinks people in Roswell might have known her.

Liz says that the accident never made sense to her because when Rosa was 12, Mamma Ortecho drove drunk with Liz and Rosa in the car, hit a bike, and flipped the car. Rosa told Mamma Ortecho that she would kill her if she ever drove drunk with Liz in the car again.

Rosa's tequila brand: Blistering Rose.

Rosa’s 2nd Nightmare: Rosa runs into the cave and starts beating on the pod. When she hits it, it sounds like metal (which doesn't seem like it would make sense given what we know about the pods).

Her conversation with Max:

"Leave me alone, you dick!"

"I am so much pain, Rosa."

"Oh really? So is everybody. Man up."

"Have some mercy. I saved your life."

"My life is gone. My mom bailed, I can't talk to my dad, my entire town hates me, and my sweet little sister is somebody that I don't even know. But I do know that she'll save you. She's gonna fix you and until then, leave me alone."

"I'd Liz won't stop then you have to do it. Go to the pod, pull me out, and walk away. You won't be killing me, Rosa. I'm already dead."

"I said no. Leave me alone."

"As long as that handprint is on you I can reach you."

"Fine. I'm an expert at quieting voices."

"No. Rosa, wait. Don't do anything stupid."

"I never dreamed when I was using."

MUSIC:

1. Oasis "Wonderwall"

2. Gord Bamford "#Rednek"

3. Hamish Anderson "Trouble"

4. Radiohead "High And Dry"

[justherefortaylorswift]

there’s glitter on the floor after the party...

Taylor,

*About 9 days ago, on May 22nd, 2018, I had just arrived home from your Seattle show at CenturyLink Field. It was 4am and I couldn’t sleep. I had so much on my mind and was still on a high from your show. So, in the early hours of the morning, after my friends had long gone to bed, I began to write. I’ve revised my original note quite a bit since then. I’ve also had the opportunity to do some additional reflecting since tour, and I have some thoughts. So, I guess this is the end-result of a mash-up of 4AM overly-emotional rambling, combined with well thought-out, fully coherent, mature writing. I feel like I really over-explained this. I could have been a lot less-awkward in setting this up. Let's just get into it:

[SO. I just got home from your Seattle show. It's 4 am and I can't sleep. This was my 6th tour, and I made what seems like an infinite amount of unforgettable memories with a group of incredible people I call my ‘Swiftie Fam” (the name needs work...). There's Cecil (my long-time, Canadian Swiftie friend, you’ll see him in earlier posts), Wanda (Cecil’s wife), Kaeden (7. Cecil & Wanda’s son. Major Swiftie. His first concert!), and finally the beautiful Maile (a recent addition to the fam, and now a life-long friend!).  It’s hard to explain in words, but we all have developed a connection that’s special and unique because of what we experienced together. I couldn’t have asked for a better group of people to stand by my side tonight. We danced, laughed, and cried together… I don’t think I’ve ever felt more understood. These people ‘get’ me.

Not surprisingly, I screamed every single lyric at the top of my lungs and subsequently lost my voice almost IMMEDATIELY. With that in mind, I suppose a more accurate description would be: I wasn’t so much singing, as I was gasping for the remainder of the show. I literally danced with until I was out of breath. I cried (ok, SOBBED) all of my make-up off (a Long Live/NYD mash-up… are you kidding me?! I FEEL ATTACKED). 

By the end of the night, I resembled a pathetic, overly-emotional, glittery, drowned rat.

and I was living my absolute best life.

Also, I was REALLY proud of our outfits this time around! I think we did a decent job of recreating your Direct TV commercial, with my rainbow two-piece, and Cecil’s interpretation of Olivia Benson dressed as a Caticorn (I can’t say I ever thought I’d use that in a sentence). It consisted of around 8-10 hours total of gluing, painting, and hand-sewing, leading up to the show. Everything turned out awesome, way better than expected. Totally worth the man hours! Wanda hand-made matching these adorable matching t-shirts for her and little Kaden (Big Rep & Little Rep), and Maile constructed a beautiful MASTERPIECE from the mountain LYWMMD outfit- it was freakin’ incredible and HOT!

There was something a bit different about this tour for a couple of reasons:

[The production.] I don’t think I’ve experienced such sensory-overload in my LIFE. The whole time it was like a constant stream of frantic, internal dialogue with a lot of run-on sentences, like, “WHAT IS HAPPENING SHE’S GIVING US CHOREO OMG YAAASSS WERK HONEY IF A MAN TALKS SHIT WE DON'T OWE HIM A DAMN THING OH MY GOD ITS RAINING CONFETTI I MUST COLLECT IT I HOPE THESE MULTI-COLORED FLASHING LIGHTS DON’T GIVE ME AN EPILEPTIC ATTACK WHERE THE F-CK DID THESE GIGANTIC SNAKES COME FROM THERE ARE LITERALLY STAGES EVERYWHERE I’M OVERWHELMED OH SHIT SHES PULLING A SPEAK NOW BY WALKING THROUGH THE CROWD WHAT'S GOING ON OH GOD F-CKING FIREWORKS THESE VOCALS ARE LIT THO I'M SWEATING I’M DEFINITELY GONNA NEED THERAPY AFTER THIS NEW YEARS DAY/LONG LIVE MASH UP IS THAT A FOUNTAIN WHATS HAPPENING OH GOD IT’S REAL WATER AND SHE’S IN THE FOUNTAIN I’M HAVING A 2008 SHOULD’VE SAID NO ACM AWARDS FLASHBACK MOMENT HOLY SH-T MORE F-CKING FIREWORKS SO MUCH PYRO IS THIS EVEN LEGAL” I’ve gotta say, you have BEST band (Paul, Amos and Mike..OGS), vocalists (Eliott and Kamilah…the TALENT), and all the dancers. Every single person on that stage was on FIRE, and their talent, passion, and individual personalities made the night sparkle.

[The fans.] I freaking adore this fan culture. I’ve never met a Swiftie who wasn’t ridiculously friendly, welcoming, and super relatable. The vibe was so positive. I’ve never smiled, waved and taken pictures with so many random strangers in my life. It felt as if we were literally in a different world that day. It felt like home.

[YOU!.]  We need to talk about this major GLO UP you’ve got going on, honey. You exude SO much confidence and you're just pure sunshine. When I think about the way you’ve carried yourself these past couple of years through all of the BS drama, I can’t help but feel damn proud. You’ve successfully converted pain into art, into music. Real music, that’s poignant, raw, and just BAD ASS. Your lyrics continue to foster a special connection you maintain with the audience...a connection that often times breathes life into brokenness.

I felt like the luckiest girl in the entire world tonight. 

This may have been my best concert experience ever, which is actually pretty ironic because:

Unlike Red, I wasn’t in the Pit

I didn’t have VIP seating, like 1989

You weren’t close enough for any potential high fives, waves, or eye contact like I experienced at Speak Now at B-Stage

We were not chosen for Rep Room (or T-Party, Club Red, or Loft 89)

…But, it was OK. It was way more than OK. It was truly a dream.

Listen: Something I've always deeply admired about you is that you make it a priority to maintain a personal relationship with the fans.  It’s clear you want to meet as many of us as possible, and you make a conscious effort to do so. You get to know us as individuals and you CARE, and that means everything us and makes such an impact. I mean, you invite us into your HOME for crying out loud, you walk through massive crowds and give high-fives, you lurk our Instagrams and Tumblrs and interact on social media, and you always make a notable effort to meet as many of us as possible at tour.

However, this can sometimes turn into a bit of a "Catch 22" situation for people. The downside, is that it’s honestly SUPER easy to fall into the “trap” of being consumed with the possibility of meeting you after your shows. Due to the fact that the “selection” process is both intentional, yet also random. To be transparent, it's quite difficult to not obsess with the idea of ‘trying’ to get chosen. I witness this behavior so often, in others and in myself just as much, if not more. Selfishly, I often feel not only jealous, but UPSET when I see photos/read experiences of other fans meeting you. I sometimes feel like the only one who hasn’t yet gotten the opportunity.  It can quickly turn into a mind-game if you're not careful, which has the potential to become toxic if we allow the idea of meeting you to rule supreme over what it's actually about...which is the MUSIC. And, this amazing show you put on for us night after night. And somewhat understandably so, I've witnessed the obsession with being chosen to meet you become a main focus point for a lot of us (including myself a bit!). It's pretty stressful, and can easily dampen or cheapen the concert experience, if you're not careful. As dramatic as this probably sounds, Tumblr (and social media) can be brutal within this fandom, and dare I say ‘cut-throat’ at times. It's easy to get upset watching (what seems like) literally EVERYONE get that opportunity, except you. 

That said, I had a wake-up call/mini-epiphany recently, which manifested while driving home from your show at Midnight on May 22nd with my friends, feeling so amazing and so grateful for what I just experienced…but also a little guilty because I feel like I’ve spent way too much time worrying about the possibility of meeting at you when you come to Seattle, how to get the attention of Taylor Nation, where to find Mama Swift, getting that guitar pick from Papa Swift, and this time was no different. Granted, my intentions are 100% pure and it’s only because you’ve meant so freakin much to me for so many years, and it's almost as if my life won’t be complete until I finally get to tell you in person. That said, there is certainty a valuable lesson to be learned here. I am confident that you and I will come face-to-face one day (hopefully with my Swifie fam!). The stars will align at the exactly the right time, and I will have my moment with you, and it will be SO worth the wait. You can't "force" stuff like this, you know? The privilege of meeting you is almost ‘sacred’ in a sense. At least in my opinion. Anyway, my point is: I refuse to a continue to attempt to “create fate” by attempting to "earn" my worthiness in fandom. It’s not productive, it's not healthy, and it’s not cute.

Alright, this is getting out of hand. I need to wrap this up. 🤣 I’m not sure whether or not you’ve seen any of my throwback photo-posts I posted the week leading up to the show. They definitely explain a lot more about me, and my history being a fan. Either way, I must reiterate how grateful I am to have you in my life, and that support you 100% and will always be here. The amount of hope, joy and comfort you've given me over the past 10+ years is insurmountable, and I'll never be able to repay you for that. And I mean that in the most sincere way. Not a lot of things make me as happy as you make me (especially lately). This experience was the ‘boost’ I needed, I think. And like I said, the relationship I have with my friends/Swiftie Fam is invaluable, and I look forward to making memories with them at your shows in the future. You’ve brought the most random group of people together and created a bond that’s unique, unconditional and unbreakable, and I think that’s so cool.

This was A LOT longer than I originally intended it to be. This escalated quickly. Haha. Thanks for listening. 💗

Don’t read the last page…]

Love you, T

Crystal

@taylorswift

@taylornation

@ceunit

@maileswiftie

[photos]:  1) The whole crew: Cecil, Wanda, Kaeden, Maile and myself at our seats. 2) Kaeden the night before the show. SO EXCITED!! 3) Testing out the Caticorn onesie w/ Cecil 4) Cecil and myself FULLY DECKED and ready to go. 5) Wanda and Kaeden: Big Rep & Lil’ Rep! 6) the girls! Maile, Wanda and Me pre-show 7) Us at the end of the show! And yes, that’s me in the middle..in disbelief, exhausted, sweaty, and a physical and emotional wreck (see also: ‘drowned rat’ description above). 8) All of us after the show literally in a hotel lobby (and glitter on the floor after the party!), waiting for traffic to die down before we headed home.

[tommyoboe]

MANCHESTER - PART THREE.

Life is currently slow and in some ways stationary, but it is offering chances for little epiphanies every so often.

I had a wonderful catch up with my home friends Lizzie and Emily over Zoom this week, hearing new stories and happy to see the two of them progressing in life. I was also given a thorough educational briefing on RuPaul's Drag Race, along with its surrounding programmes and cult culture. I shall be sticking to spending my time with jaw on the floor over cookie dough brownies on Instagram but nice to see friends sharing amusement over a mutual interest!

The little epiphany I had that evening was to find more joy in my music making. This sounds completely obvious, but over the last few weeks I have lost interest in what I am doing and have not been motivated to devote myself to it as much as I have done previously. Music as a career used to be a dream like concept, one during my years bashing out half tuned notes in my youth orchestra and wind band that seemed a long way into the future.

Now that time is here and it is no longer this wonderful fantasy but my everyday life. And that is great, but naturally I suppose, has ceased to be my primary source of excitement. These days I find immense joy in researching pretty places to live abroad with Cameron in the coming years, as well as where I'm next going to have a cup of coffee or what recipe in my book of tray bakes I'm going to try next. I shall do my best to maintain these but also turn my attention to how I am going to put more thrill into my musical existence.

The bases are all there: I am at an excellent facility of music making with simply ace tutors who are making me have breakthroughs every week. I am in a city where the opportunities and alleys for development are so diverse. I am missing people though, and this year in particular that will be a challenge. However, through Facebook groups and the minute amount of people I have met so far at the college with and made music with, I shall get there. My newly formed wind quartet and I are already considering having a composer write a piece for us; now we just need that to actually happen! I have also been using this weekend to jot down ideas on other ways to boost my profile and ultimately make music with others. Next week I shall be putting some of these into practice.

As I have briefly touched upon, oboe lessons and classes these last couple of weeks have provided great challenge and new ways of thinking. My lesson on Friday in particular was super: I felt my brain being stimulated in a truly positive way and producing sounds to be proud of. My real glee came when practising on Saturday I replicated the full sound I had achieved the day before! I let out a little 'yes!' in delight. Moments like these will provide the foundations for further success.

A seriously important issue came up in conversations with my mum and sister the other day. I take roughly two hours with every meal I make. That is definitely an exaggeration with breakfast, as it is the getting out of bed that eats up the time, but it would be safe to say from start to finish, from chopping ingredients to the dishes being put away, it takes two or so hours each time. My sister made the suggestion of buying some frozen or pre-chopped vegetables to save time. I am not quite convinced, but I shall investigate when doing tomorrow's shop and see what I can find.

This is such a first world problem and reading this now, I'm like, what a ridiculous issue to have, but it really does make a difference as to how much I get done, and I need to find ways to counteract that. Getting up straightaway and not taking as many hour walks into the city centre and back will also help.

Seeing Cameron (safely) over the weekends has been a delight. Last weekend he visited me in Manchester, where we enjoyed what can only be described as the best cookies ever from Gooey and a tomato pesto pasta tray bake with goat's cheese and parmesan. It was simple but provided much warmth on a gloomy Saturday night. My new 1792 whisky provided a sweet accompaniment with its notes of custard and rye. Sunday's sardines on sourdough toast (with parmesan, think I am officially doing well in life) was also simple but bliss on another cloudy day, going nicely alongside our shared guilty pleasure, The Chase.

More nice times were had this weekend down in Birmingham. Unsurprisingly these, again, came in the form of food, with Cameron introducing me to Poli's range of innovative takeaway pizzas and ultimate treats courtesy of Cakes Contour. The cookie dough and Nutella brownie had to be my favourite.

Now something exciting to finish. Yesterday I bought myself a cor anglais, something I have wanted to do for a number of years. After much deliberation I found the right one for me, one that provides a whole palette of colour and flexibility in sound. So much arrogance in that last sentence, but I don't care, as with my new instrument, I am entitled to it.

*inserts giddy face emoji*

I think that's all for now, although when I next write I think I will have some even more extraordinary news to share. But I'm going to keep that for next time.

*inserts most giddy face emoji*

[secondsofhappiness]

Hi Megan! I just wanted to ask you about how and why you moved to London. I want to move away in a couple of years but I don't know whether I can do it because I'd be moving alone so that's very scary. Do you have any advice? I'm from the north like you and I moved away from uni but not very far. I know you don't make lots and lots of personal posts but when you do i love reading about your life knowing it could be me too one day if I'm lucky. I hope you don't mind xxx

Oh anon, of course I don’t mind!

I don’t know how old you are but as you said you moved away for Uni, in guessing you’re around 21 or over?

I lived in the North East till I was 18 and then I moved to Leeds for Uni and stayed there for 5 years. I then moved back home for a few years and I wasn’t well and life was a bit tough for a while so the WHY I moved was a complex one but it was a mixture of feeling I’d recovered and was ready to live fully again, feeling stuck, feeling ready for an adventure and I lost my father so that triggered a lot of changes in how I view life!

I asked myself “if I stayed as I am, would I be happy in five years?” and my answer was instantly no. I knew I had to move and I was perfectly placed to do it. I was 25, no kids, no house, no partner and skills that would transfer for a job in my field. I was very lucky. I didn’t have tons of money but I had enough for a rent deposit and to get me through one month or so…! I applied for many positions and the one I wanted badly was the one I was lucky to get and so I had a month to pack up my life and move down the country on my own… without a flat to move into!

So I moved down here in January 2015. I was lucky to have a few close friends living down in London and so they suggested I stayed with them until I found a flat. This is rare so I was VERY lucky to have that. I moved on the Friday and started work on the Monday…!

Even now, it’s weird thinking of the thought process when I applied for the job and found out I got it. I just had this epiphany that I couldn’t carry on as I was and I went for it. It was a quick process and all of a sudden I was packing up my whole life. I think you know if you’re ready for a change and you know if moving or upheaving your entire life is a good idea or not. I’m a great believer in trusting your gut feeling and following it.

As for advice, I think it very much depends on your circumstances. A close friend of mine said to me “all you need is a job and a home, it’s really that simple” and I would agree. Before all of this, I didn’t think so, but I do now. I’d be prepared. Save some money if you don’t have a little lump sum so you have a rent deposit, apply for jobs in the area you want to move and maybe take a trip to look at areas you like. Do you have friends where you want to move? If so, ask them for advice and maybe ask if you can stay for a while or pop down for a visit to look for flats. It’s all logistics but I had my job and rent deposit and a bit of money for furniture but that was it….!

I am also a big advocate for flat shares. If you don’t know many people where you’re moving then they can be wonderful! You aren’t alone, you have people who know the area and you have someone to have a cuppa with - hopefully! I have lucked out massively with my housemates and although they’ve changed a few times, I LOVE my housemates and I am very settled and happy here. Download Spare Room app and have a browse. Be sensible and safe and open your mind and it can be a great experience.

Budget! It’s teaching granny to suck eggs but decide on your total spend and be strict with yourself.

But most of all, if it’s what you want then GO FOR IT. Life is far too short. I ALWAYS wanted to live in London for a while. I said when I was a kid that I wanted my time in London but I knew I’d never manage it and I just thought “why can’t I have it?” and it was one of the BEST decisions I have ever made. If there’s something you won’t feel complete without and if moving away is that thing for you then go for it and be confident in how well you know yourself and how you’re going after what will make you happy.

I may have uplifted my life, alone and rapidly but I really can’t imagine my life if I hadn’t done it and I’m so much more confident and in tune with what I want. I will act if I feel that there’s something I want and I am no longer scared of change and I’m much more willing to follow my instincts. I’m also much more open to moving in the future. I can’t imagine leaving London any time soon (it’s break my heart!) but this upheaval has taught me that I can take my life wherever I want!

It sounds like it’s something you want quite badly and if you have lived alone/away from home already then this won’t be a shock to your system but it’ll be an ADVENTURE. Treat it like that! Enjoy every moment, even the homesickness or the culture shock or the muddling through. It’s all part of life and my main advice would be to act but do it sensibly and if you do that, things should work out wonderfully.

I’m not sure how helpful this is but I hope it helped in some way, love! ❤️

[thoughtfulpaperback]

Skin and beauty standards.

Yall I want to discuss this because I feel like have been seeing this discussion a lot lately and actually had a pretty sad and eye opening discussion with my sister and friend.

So I want to start off saying that I am a light skinned Latina. My sister and friend are morena. Dark, very dark. Not black. But deep tan and caramel colored. And I have always told them I thought they were beautiful and that it sucks that cultural and broader societal beauty standards make them feel uncomfortable about thier color.

But my friend when I said this recently, sort of called me out (she has been having a hard time) and said that while it's nice that I say that it seems sort of hypocritical when I, who am already light skinned, do what I can to make my self lighter.

At first I was like super confused like ...."I dont try to make myself look lighter."

But then as we discussed it I realized "whole crap I didnt realize I was doing these things"

Examples

I use foundation one two two shades lighter than what either I have been matched or people say I match to (within reason I am not trying to look like a ghost) And say things like "do I look orange, or like too dark?" And in my mind I think I do look orange or unnaturally dark (not "attractive" latina tan but like obviously not this skin tone) even when people say it seems like a perfect match.

I have really dark brown hair, pretty much black, but when I can i prefer to dye my hair pitch black. I always liked it But everyone said it paled me out, but I liked it and have been wanting to do it again.

Now I argued with my friend and later sister as I discussed this discussion, that I mean I just like the way I look when I do these things and it didnt have anything to do with disliking darker skin tones.

But they pointed out, and I get it now, that the point isnt that it is a preference, but why it is and the fact I have the skin tone to get away with it.

As my sister said, "if I tried a foundation that was slightly lighter it would be obvious and most of the time I dont really have options. I have to really work for a shade that matches and you get to pick from all these shades and they more or less dont look bad or obvious unless we see you all the time."

My friend said "like I know you dont think dark skin is bad looking and you are supportive but like when you worry about looking too dark when you are like a light tan it kinda makes me feel a bit crappy"

Obviously. I mean I dont think there is anything wrong with my skin tone. But I didnt ever think about why I prefer some things or how my preference may be interpreted. I dont see my make up preferences or hair color preferences changing but I am definitely gonna pay more attention to what I say.

Not a gran epiphany I mean I recognize I have certain privileges like the variety of foundation shades and the relative ease of shade finding, and not having to hear people say things relatively negative about my color. But am for sure gonna be more aware of my own actions and words too.

EDIT:

Just want to elaborate because someone messaged me about this (probably a troll and personally I dont know how trolls find things that arent tagged or why a troll would follow me. I assume that must be the reason they say it).

I dont white face. That's not a thing.I am not saying that I do not like the color of my skin. Or that I am a dark skinned person. I would call myself white if my white friends and family didnt get uppity about it. I would never call myself dark because my very dark indigenous looking friends and family are dark and I wouldnt dare compare.

Just to further explain. I was born very white

This is baby me. No I am not a boy. They made me the devil because they thought it would be funny to make the dog the angel. But the dog destroyed its wings and they werent gonna buy either of us new costumes so the dog got a wraped in left over material

Anyways that white baby gradually turned into a very orangey looking kid. I was really self conscious about that. Not the looking less white part, but the orange part. My siblings and darker looking side of the family arent orangy. Although they say I am not, I look at the photos and see orange.

Eventually because of puberty I went from an oompa lompa kid to a just lightly orange tinted high school kid (I am not wearing foundation in the photo below also this wasnt a high school pick but college but my skin has stayed the same since then)

The next photos are of me when I wear foundation. Yes I drag foundation down to my chest...dont judge.

There isnt that much of a difference. The point of this post isnt that I dont like dark skin or I prefer lighter skin or that I pale myself out completely to look lighter. The point is about vocabulary. the terms lighter and dark white and dark arent accurate here but I use them. When I am matched to foundations I am matched to peachy undertones for medium skin. What I usually end up preferring are shades in the light to mediums with neutral undertones.

In the first picture (I was in college) the shade is tarte amazonian clay 29H for light to medium skin with peachy undertones. When I was in high school I was matched with 35N for medium/neutral skin, but I thought it was too dark for me (like actually dark not orangey). Just so you know this was a little before matching with the computer machine thingy was around, when I first was matched that meant the ladies sat me down and just slatheredy face with different swatches the foundation until they saw one that they thought looked good. Freshman or sophomore year of college I was matched to that shade (35n) with the new fangled match technology but told the ladies I didnt like that shade and found it too dark so they told me to go a step down that foundation ladder- which makes me wonder if the sephora people actually knew what they were doing- which is how I ended up wearing the 29H. I didnt like the 29H so I went with the 27n i believe which is the second photo. The third is fenty beauty shade 260 for medium skin/neutral undertones and the fourth (my favorite and most recent foundation) is fenty beauty 230 for light to medium skin/neutral undertones.

But again the point being that when comparing the difference isnt extremely different. I havent changed race or been attempting to. The issue is that my vocab and the way I can easily just explore and play with shades and undertones are things that trigger my darker friends and family. I don't complain about my skin tone (although I did so in this post), but when I use the term dark instead of orange it makes them uncomfortable and I never noticed. I never thought about how they must feel when we go into sephora and ulta and I spend a while trying to decide which shade I PREFER while they struggle to find a shade that actually matches. I knew that they struggled but not how my experience may actually add to that anxiety.

This isnt a #whitepeople problems this is a #holy crap I didnt realize that the things I do might be hurting someone

When I og wrote above the edit that I dont plan on changing my foundation or hair preferences that wasnt me saying, "I dont care if it makes you uncomfortable I'm gonna do what i want!" I do plan on watching and changing the words I use. I will try to avoid saying things like "is this too dark?" Or "I don't like that foundation shade because it makes me look dark or too dark." I'll try to be accurate, " I think the shade undertone is off with this one." Or "I prefer neutral undertones rather than peachy or warm undertones.

Also if this doesnt make you realize the privilege of being light complexed WTF is wrong with you? I am able to wear numerous shades in one brand and there are people who cant even find one that matches well when looking at multiple brands.

Also as mentioned in a different post, I am light and rarely see people who look like me in novelas (as non help or poor characters ) so if that doesnt scream something to you about the extreme colorism or preference for more european looking features in latin america ya must be not hearing well.