#I'm in the mood to write about Billy being hurt these days

[wasawattpadkid]

I can’t get over the way you write it’s delicious. I was wondering if you could write a Stu x reader where Stu catches the reader in the act of doing things with themselves, and it just kinda escalates from there?

Thank you so much for the request! I got way too carried away with this one 🫣

I Can Help

Summary: A little joke is all it takes to hurt someone's feelings. You think you're broken but Stu thinks he can help fix you.

Pairing: Stu Macher x Fem!reader

Warnings: ⚠️smut 18+⚠️ fingering (fem!receiving), foul language, thigh riding, loss of virginity, p in v, cum, slight begging

"It's was so bad. I literally went to the bathroom to finish while he smoked a cigarette." Tatum popped a grape in her mouth. "You would think college boys would be better." Billy said looking up at the sky. You shifted uncomfortably, the conversation was a touchy one. "What about you Y/n? Any man ever leave you high and dry?" Tatum asked as the group stared at you. You didn't feel as cool as your friends. Tatum stayed getting drunk or laid having many fun stories to tell. Sydney and Billy were a comfortable couple not sharing too much of their love life. Stu got around more than anyone. The stories he told would make a sailor feel ashamed.

"No thankfully. I've never done that so I don't have much to compare." Tatum seemed shocked at the admission. "You've never had sex?" She asked completely missing your point. You trusted you friends with the dark secret you've had for awhile. "No but I've never done the other thing either." It was embarrassing how ashamed you were to even say the words. "You've never what? Had an orgasm?" Stu and Billy started giggling making you feel worse about yourself. "Shut up doofus." Tatum shoved Stu lightly. "I'm sorry It's just funny. Have you asked a doctor what's wrong with you?" Stu laughed making you get up. "Oh come on sweet pea it was just a joke." You walked away hearing Sydney and Tatum fussed at the teenager.

You've read books, watched videos, you've done everything you could think to do. At some point you started to believe you were broken. Tatum went on and on about how good sex was but you couldn't even please yourself. The amount of times you've tried and somehow got bored of it was humiliating. Now for your friends to know and openly laugh at you it made you want to disappear. You wanted to cry in shame.

The car you called your own was just a few steps away. You decided to ditch school not being able to see your friends anymore today, especially Stu. He was your best friend. For him to humiliate you in front of everyone really just felt like a knife to the gut. You turned on the car driving towards your house. With everything you've tried there was little you knew to do. Maybe you'd have to buy a toy? A machine to help you do what you couldn't do yourself.

You pulled into the driveway seeing your parents were still at work. Atleast you wouldn't have to have an argument when you walked through the door. You threw your bag down heading straight for your room. Crying was always an option but you decided to try to get yourself off one more time. It couldn't be that hard women do it all the time. You took a deep breath trying to calm yourself down from the day you've had. Grabbing the lighter off your nightstand you lit a couple candles. Maybe mood lighting would help.

The curtains were drawn as you laid on top of the bed. It was a dramatic set but it was a last resort. Taking another deep breath you closed your eyes. Slowly you exhaled letting your hands slide over your clothes. The button on your jeans popped before you carefully slid them off your legs. You pretended your hands were not your own as they crept up your thighs. A simple porn like scenario played in your head as you mimicked what you had seen before. Your hand grazed your underwear in an attempt to tease yourself.

Your breathing was steady while you pulled down your underwear tossing them to the side. The act it's self was intimidating. You felt as if your future as a woman depended on your ability to perform for yourself. Shaking your head a little you found your way back to the tacky video in your head. The women you saw on film always immediately started moaning. You've tried it before. Soft little moans actually helped turn you on more than any screaming ever did. Your fingers traced your lips trying to figure out what place to go next.

Slick slowly started to flood your folds telling you that whatever you were doing was working. Wetting two fingers you slowly trailed them up towards your clit. A small jolt of energy passed through you as you circled the bundle of nerves. You focused on that spot knowing penetration only ever felt uncomfortable. A half hearted moan fell from your lips as verbal encouragement.

As you tried to work your hands around yourself Stu walked right through the front door of your home. The locks were the only thing that ever stopped him and lucky for him you completely forgot to flip that little switch. He wasn't sure what to say to you. Tatum and Sydney practically yelled at him for making a simple joke. Even Billy told him he took it too far. Now he had a freshly picked flower in his hand with no idea of what to say.

He mumbled little apologies as he twirled the flower in his hand. With a push he opened your bedroom door. "I was a dick at lunch today so I'm sorry- oh my god!" You screamed at the man as you threw your covers on top of your lower half. "I didn't see anything! Actually I saw a lot but I'm fine with pretending I didn't see anything." Stu babbled on outside the now closed door with his eyes shut. At first he took your silence as a loss of words for what just happened. It wasn't until he heard the quiet sound of your crying that he really felt awful. This was the second time to today he made you upset. "Good going Stu." He whispered to himself in pity.

"Are you covered?" He asked holding the handle of the door. Only opening it if you give him the word. You tried to sniffle away the sadness but it hardly worked. "Yes." Was all you could muster. "I'm opening the door now." He said as a warning just in case. You almost smiled. "It's half way open you still have time to cover anything that's out." He narrated making you actually cough out a laugh. "I'm good you can come in." Stu breathed a sigh of relief seeing the comforter cover everything below your waist. He knew by your tears that this had to be more embarrassing for you than it was for him.

Stu sat down on the edge of the bed. "I got this for you. I came over to apologize but I'm guessing I should've waited a little longer." He handed you the flower which you appreciated but watching you cry again made Stu think he did something else wrong. "I really am sorry. Are you allergic to those? I picked it up off the side of some person's house I didn't know." You shook your head willing yourself to get a grip as you sat the flower on the nightstand. "No, that's not why I'm upset. It wouldn't have mattered if you waited any longer. It wouldn't have done me any good."

Your hands held your face keeping your eyes away from your friend. "What do you mean?" Stu didn't really understand why you were upset. You looked up at the confused boy ready to vent all your problems to him. "I mean I don't work like I'm supposed to Stu. Guys have it easy. Your dick comes with basic instructions. It seems I can't do the one thing every other girl can." His lips formed an 'o' realizing what this was all about. "You're upset you've never had an orgasm?" Stu said it like it wasn't incredibly embarrassing.

Heat rose to your face forcing you to look away. Stu grabbed one of your hands not really knowing how to comfort you. "Hey I'm sure other women have trouble too. Most of the time it's the guys fault though." He shrugged. That was the problem. This was supposed to be a guy issue. You were supposed to be able to get yourself off when a guy falls short. You were just as bad as they were. "What all have you tried doing?" He asked with a casual tone. You wanted to fling yourself out of a window. "I'm not talking about this with you." You laid back turning your eyes towards the ceiling.

"I can help. We can figure this out." It wasn't sexual he was just helping out a friend. "How? you're a guy." His hands went to his face in shock. "Oh my god! I'm a guy? This can't be happening!" His little stunt made you laugh which in turn put a smile on his face. "I know that I'm a guy but I'm sure we can talk our way through this. Process of elimination or something." It wasn't a terrible idea but it wasn't the best one either.

"Okay." You sighed scared of the uncomfortable conversation you were about to have with your childhood best friend. "Alright. What all have you tried to do?" Now that you were actually listening to the question it didn't make any sense. "Everything? I did what they do in the movies nothing works." The tight lipped expression on his face made you think you did something wrong. "What? That's what porn is for." You defended thinking he was going to make fun of you for doing something all men do.

"No, porn is for entertainment not learning. If you want to see a dumb blonde with big tits bounce around for 30 minutes then you watch porn. If you want to learn how to treat a woman, you read." You laughed making his smile falter. "You, Stu Macher read books about pleasing women?" It wasn't something he flaunted around but the women he slept with sure appreciated it. "Yeah so? Maybe I could give you some recommendations." You started to realize that Stu really just wanted to help. He hated seeing you hate yourself over something you couldn't control.

"I've done that Stu. I've read and I've watched. It doesn't do anything good." You were giving up but he wasn't about to allow it. "When do your parents get home from work?" He asked, his eyes more serious this time around. "Um around four o'clock why?" It was unethical. Stu knew that but what's the harm in helping a friend in need? "You said I could help you right?" He double checked making sure nothing changed. "Yeah and so far you haven't been much of a help." Stu stood up from the side of the bed going to shut and lock your bedroom door.

"What's your plan?" Your voice gave away that you were nervous. "If it's alright with you I want to help." He looked towards your covered legs and that's when it clicked. "Oh no. Ha! Uh no thank you. I'm fine, it's okay, I haven't shaved or um-" You tried to think of another excuse. "No one's been down there and I just, no thank you." Stu sat back down on the bad letting his hand sit on top of your stomach. A small feeling of warmth bubbled underneath his hand. "Y/n I've never judged you and I'm not going to start now. Besides it not like I'm going to take your virginity or anything."

It dawned on you that this might actually help. The fear that this might ruin the friendship you had with Stu was more important to you than your need to feel normal. "I don't want anything to change between us." He laughed. "And it won't. I hate seeing you this way and if I can be useful then I'm at your service." He saluted making you laugh. "Okay but please no more jokes I don't want to feel worse than I already do." Stu nodded. "No more jokes." From this moment forward Stu was going to do whatever you told him to. His hand slowly slid down your abdomen that warmth never disappearing.

"I'm going to need your direction. I don't know what you like and don't like." Funny thing was you didn't either. This was all brand new to you. "Okay." You said as you tried to relax. Stu's hand slowly ran down the outside of your exposed thigh. You would have thought he'd go straight for what you've been struggling with. His fingers danced around your skin leaving little goosebumps behind. "Just focus on my hand okay? Don't worry about anything else." You nodded keeping your eyes closed.

His fingers made their way to your inner thigh still dancing around to a silent tune. You couldn't help but giggle at the sensation. Stu smiled loving that cute little noise. "Does that tickle?" He asked moving closer towards your heat. "A little bit but I'm fine keep going." Stu's smile never faltered as his eyes stayed on you. With your eyes closed you tried to picture your crush doing these things but all that could come to mind was your best friend, Stu. You let out a shaky breath feeling his hand graze your folds. "Are you okay?" He asked a little worried. "Mhmm, I'm fine."

Stu carefully traced little lines on your lips not ready to dive into anything serious. "Does that feel okay?" The feeling was a little funny. It wasn't as intense as anything you ever did. "Yeah it's fine." You said quickly not wanting to miss any sensation he provided you with. Stu decided to abandon the pattern, instead moving his finger to slowly trail up and down over your your folds. His touch was only pressured enough to let you know he was there. He felt your hips move involuntary wanting to grind on his hand. This new information gave him an idea.

His hand disappeared and for a moment you could still feel his fingers tracing your skin like phantom touch. You opened your eyes confused. "Why'd you stop?" Your voice cracked making him smile. "I have an idea but it requires you to stand up. Are you okay with that?" You weren't sure about the change in position but if it got him to touch you again you'd do it. "I guess so." You slowly got off the bed standing in front of Stu with your hands covering yourself. Stu started to unbuckle his jeans making you panic. "Calm down I'm not getting naked." It sure looked like he was. You watched as he pulled his pants off sitting them in the floor beside the bed.

His boxers were still on leaving little to the imagination. "Come here." He beckoned with spread legs. You walked a forward not prepared for how intimate this would be. "I want you to straddle my leg like you would a horse." That sentence alone was laughable and a little alarming. "I'm heavy." You protested making him laugh. "I've got you, would you just trust me?" That stupid smile he sent you made you do as you were told. His thigh was warm against your cunt. Stu blinked a few times trying hard to keep the focus on you. His hands gripped your hips making you feel a whole new emotion. "Now I want you to slowly move your hips like this." He helped you move against him. The new friction made a small noise leave your mouth. It was embarrassing but you had no time to worry about it.

Stu started to blush, the erotic scene in front of him turning him on more than he hoped. "Does that feel okay?" By the look on your face he knew the answer. His thigh quickly became wet with your slick making it easier for you to rock back and forth. "I feel.. great." You pushed the words out as you continued to ride his thigh. Stu wanted to kiss you but he had promised this wasn't about him. "Stu.." You moaned holding onto his shoulders for support. Hearing his name fall from your lips like that was now and forever engraved in his brain. "Say my name again please." The slight whimper your friend made only increased the speed of your hips. "Stu, please." You weren't quite sure what you were begging for but it pleased Stu.

His grip on your hips only grew tighter as your abs started to burn. A foreign pressure began to build making you panic. You hips slowed down making Stu look up at you. "What wrong?" He asked almost as out of breath as you were. "I- something..." You tried to put the feeling into words. Stu knew exactly what you meant. He continued moving your hips for you making your whole body seem to tremble. "Just keep moving you're almost there." Stu reassured hoping that he was right. "I can't." You repeated in-between moans.

Your hands locked up squeezing Stu's arms as your whole body trembled. Stu held on to you before you fell. Your breathing was intense but this was arguably the best you've ever felt. You looked up at your friend as your hand cupped his jaw. "How was that?" He asked smiling down at you. Stu lit up at the dopey grin on your face. You leaned up just enough to press your lips against his. Stu froze for a moment in shock. Before you could pull away and apologize he kissed back.

The kiss was more electric than the feeling you had just moments ago. You moved so you were straddling his lap now having more room to kiss him. Carefully you rolled your hips against him. "Fuck..." He shuddered into the kiss. Stu broke the kiss still holding you. "Y/n I didn't do this to sleep with you." Stu was a little worried you were trying to repay him for something he did for free. "I know." You rolled your hips again as Stu threw his head back. If there was a God, Stu was thanking them for this moment. "Y/n don't do that-" He was going to tell you he didn't know how much longer he could hold out.

"Or what?" You bit your lip getting turned on again just by pushing your friend's buttons. In one swift motion Stu stood up his arms holding you in position. With a small squeal from you he spun you around so you ended up on your back on the bed. Stu hovered above you his face nothing but serious. Your smile was playfully dangerous. He contemplated the idea that he might've done you a favor and himself a disservice. Your hands ran along his clothed torso heading straight for the painful bulge in his boxers. "Ah!" He moaned quickly grabbing your hands holding each one down on the bed next to your head.

"What has gotten into you?" He asked wanting to know what the responsible thing to do here was. In actuality you weren't sure. You just wanted- no, needed to hit that high again. "If I play my cards right hopefully you." Stu laughed nervously. Earlier you said no jokes but here you were breaking down Stu's defenses with humor. Your hips bucked up at nothing as Stu thought of his options. "If we do this it would really fuck up our friendship." You knew things wouldn't be the same the moment his hand fell between your thighs. "We'll figure it out. I need you Stu, please." There was that word again that made Stu absolutely melt.

Stu sat up on his knees pulling off his shirt. You watched the muscles under his skin contract as he pulled the cloth over his head tossing it to the side. You didn't know why you hadn't noticed how hot he was before this. He looked at your shirt waiting for you to do the same. "Oh!" As if your life depended on it you tore the shirt off your frame letting it hit the floor with Stu's.

His boxers were the last thing to disappear leaving you both completely naked. "Do you still want to do this?" Stu asked as his fingers once again found your cunt. "Yes." Was all you could say as his middle finger slipped into your heat with ease. Slowly as to not hurt you Stu added his ring finger. There was that uncomfortable feeling again. It didn't hurt but it wasn't a pleasant experience. With his left hand on your hip he held you down as his fingers searched for that spot. Not many guys knew where the clit was let alone the g-spot. Stu however got an A when it came to anatomy.

Your lungs seemed to stop as a random warmth spread over your thighs. The warmth began to turn into a pleasurable fire. His fingers continued that beckoning motion as you writhed underneath him. Stu added one more finger making you wince. "You alright?" He asked seeing your eyes scrunch shut. "Yeah it's just weird." You responded trying to get used to the stretch. It only lasted a few moments before you focused back on the pressure building once again. Before you could do anything about it his fingers slipped out. You looked down seeing him drag his cock up and down your folds collecting your slick on the tip.

Stu grabbed intertwined his fingers with yours making you smile. Slowly he pushed his cock into you and you were thankful for the previous warm up. Stu squeezed your hand trying not to cum right then and there. You always heard how annoying it was when men finished quick. However if you got Stu to get off that easy it would probably be the hottest complement you've ever received. "Are you okay?" Stu asked more to himself than you. "I'm lovely." You smiled looking at the boy.

His hips began to move slowly which did absolutely nothing for you. You didn't want to seem rude so you let him continue doing what he was doing. He noticed the lack of enthusiasm on your part. "What's wrong?" You shook your head. "Nothing, just... Can you go faster?" He almost laughed. Here he was doing everything in his power to go slow and you needed him to go faster. Without another word his hips began to speed up.

Moans started to naturally come out as the feeling of him pump in and out of you became addicting. It wasn't until you heard him moan that you actually began to feel that pressure like before. "Keep on making those sounds." You encouraged as your head fell back against the pillows. It was the first time any girl wanted to hear him during sex. In fact moaning at all felt embarrassing to him. Stu obliged feeling you squeeze around him with every noise he made. "Fuck Y/n, I'm not going to last." He moaned through gritted teeth.

That feeling of intense pleasure came and went never staying long enough for you to enjoy it. It didn't matter though seeing and hearing Stu come undone for you was enough. He begrudgingly pulled out knowing he didn't have much longer. The veins in his arms were prominent as he pumped himself over your stomach. His hair was wet with sweat sticking to his forehead. "Please Y/n.." Stu whimpered and moaned over and over as ropes of cum littered your abdomen. His head fell back while he tried to catch his breath. The sight was beautiful. You cursed yourself you couldn't capture the moment on film.

His limp body fell next to you as he tried desperately to breathe. Once his lungs fell back into their normal rhythm he spoke. "Where's the bathroom?" It wasn't a very romantic question and it kind of broke your heart. "Um.. it's down the hall to the right." You pointed as Stu got up and disappeared. Stu frantically searched for a wash cloth not wanting to leave you alone for too long.

You could hear the water running for a few seconds before he returned, warm rag in hand. "Hey." He spoke softly not to scare you. "Hi." You said back the awkwardness in the room was rather cute. "I'm just going to clean you up okay?" That same heat returned to your cheeks making you avoid his gaze. "That's fine." The cloth started between your thighs. The warm rag felt great against your skin. You winced the moment the rag slid over your core. "Sorry." He mumbled cleaning off your stomach next.

Once you were decent Stu returned the rag to the bathroom. You tried not to laugh as you watched his ass as he left the room. Stu returned finding his boxers quickly pulling them back on. You however were content with just snuggling underneath the covers. Stu climbed in the bed on the vacant side snuggling up next to you. The clock on the wall said you had a good amount of time before you parents got home. You played with your friends hand as you thought of words to fill the silence. "Thank you Stu. I needed this." A sense of pride warmed up his chest. "You're welcome. I'm glad I could help."

[upsidedownwithsteve]

Hi hi, first of all LOVED SDMC you truly are a fic genius (also the way you continuously churn out quality content with blurbs and stuff on top of big fics like that is so impressive you’re amazing but also pls remember to take care of yourself). That all being said, I know you mentioned what blurbs we’d wanna see from SDMC so I was wondering if you’d be interested in writing out the billy/Steve argument that ended in the fight?? I’m just curious about how how you would’ve written it because the way you wrote their dynamic overall was really interesting to me! Anyway hope you’re doing well sending you love!!

Hi! Thank you so much my lovely, I'm so happy you liked it! You're far, far too sweet! I hope this fills in that little missing scene! 🧡

Steve was already in a strange mood. 

He’d left your cabin that morning with a small smile and no words, slipping into the forest whilst the sky was still a pale purple, the camp still asleep. 

He’d ached in such a good way, the feeling that came from having someone climb all over him the night before, the push and pull of bodies against walls and beds and desks. His lips still felt swollen from your kisses and his skin and hair smelled like you, his clothes creased from where they spent the night on the floor. 

Eddie had grinned when he’d snuck back in, a sleepy, slow beam that stretched from cheek to cheek, but he didn’t say anything about it until the next day, when they were both unfortunately within earshot of Billy. 

For his part, Eddie looked immediately sorry, not knowing the blonde boy was lingering behind them on the trail, too close and able to hear how Eddie had said your name, a whisper about “what happened, what time did you even come home?”

Billy had laughed, stopping them both, Steve turning to find the other boy grinning, teeth sharper and eyes wicked. He huffed out a chuckle at the sight of Steve’s neck, all pretty little bruises in the shape of your lips. 

Billy whistled, long and low and Eddie was already gripping the back of Steve’s shirt, a silent warning. 

“Well, goddamn, would you look at that?” Billy crowed. “Did she finally let you get your dick wet, Harrington?”

Eddie could feel the way Steve tensed underneath his hand and the silence that fizzed through the trees was palpable. Steve didn’t say a word and it only made Billy grin wider, like he’d found something new to poke with a stick. 

It all came to a head a few days later, after hardly being able to talk to you, only stealing glances across the mess hall, across the camp and over the heads of the kids. 

It was making Steve’s chest hurt, his stomach tumble in a way he wasn’t used to, ‘cause Christ almighty, he couldn’t stop thinking about you and that night. 

And then Billy was walking towards him on the dock, red lifeguard shorts matching Steve’s, whistle around his neck, sunglasses over his eyes and another on obnoxious smile pulling at his lips. 

He waited until he was standing shoulder to shoulder with Steve, both of them staring out into the lake, kids swimming in the section cordoned off by bouys and red rope. 

Steve could hear the smack of Billy’s gum, the crack of his knuckles as he flexed his hands and stared at him from behind the dark glasses. Steve knew what was coming, he felt it, his hands were already balled into fists at the thought. 

“So, was she good?”

“Get fucked, Hargrove.”

Billy laughed, all deep and sarcastic, turning to face Steve fully. 

“What?” He pouted, all fake and insincere. “Can’t we have some guy time, Stevie? Little locker room chit chat?”

Steve scoffed, “I’ve never had much to say to you, man, I’m not gonna start now.”

It was the most sensible he could be. There weren't any other counsellors around, the kids were too close - oblivious but close - and Steve wasn’t ready to get pulled into Hop’s office for shouting some bad words. 

No. If that was going to happen, he’d make it worth his while. 

“Does she fuck like she argues?” Billy continued, head tilted to the side, pulling his glasses off so he could look at Steve with those discerning baby blues. “Did you give it to her rough?”

Steve took a deep breath, held it in his chest until it burned before blowing it back out with a dark chuckle. His nails were biting into his palms and he wondered where you were, what you were doing, if you would’ve smacked Billy across the jaw already if you had been here. 

“My shift’s over,” Steve grunted, shouldering the other boy out of the way so he could walk back up the dock, away from Billy on dry land. 

Billy’s smile became a thin line, tight lipped and annoyed that he wasn’t getting the response he wanted so he pulled at the whistle around his neck, spun it around his index finger instead and called out cheerily:

“You should’ve asked Byers for a loan of that fancy ass camcorder,” Billy’s smile was devilish. “I would’ve loved to have seen if Hawkins was as tight as she see-“

Honestly, Steve was impressed that he managed to hold off that long. The sickening crack of bone against bone was satisfying - and a long time coming. His fist connected with Billy’s jaw, the pain searing up across the blonde boy’s cheekbone and Steve wanted to grin at the look of complete shock he managed to pull from him. 

But then Billy was on him, hands grabbing at the front of Steve’s shirt as he wrestled him forward, pulling him into him before he swung his own fist back and caught him on the chin. Another punch, landing by his temple, making his eyes sparkle and the lake turn a little blurry. 

Steve could taste blood, could hear kids yelling, the sound of a shrill whistle in the distance and he managed to throw two more punches at the blonde, snarling “fuck you,” as Eddie grabbed around his waist and hauled him off of the blonde. 

Murray was there first, Hopper behind, steaming coming out of his ears but Steve didn’t care. He didn’t care about the pain pulsing through his face either, that sharp sting of his skin being split. 

Billy looked worse. 

And Steve was pretty fucking sure he wasn’t going to talk about you again. Not in front of him, at least. 

[thediktatortot]

Harringrove, Angst, medical issues.

---

At first it was the memory issues.

It was little things, keys, wallet, coats, the things every person lost and found on any good day...but it was other things too; cups of water, medication, photos, missed phone calls, forgotten dates...names.

No one wanted to really pay attention to those things though, the little things, chocking it up to simple forgetfulness and absentmindedness for the sake of nothing being wrong. No one wanted to break the proverbial wall of 'Nothing's Wrong'.

There were other signs of course, like the random mood swings, the mixing of words, panicked phone calls in the middle of the night because no one knew where he was or they would wake up to a confused phone call of their own.

He snapped more often, got angry at his friends and his lover, repeated the same stories multiple times as though he had forgotten he'd not been the only one there.

They thought it might be his PTSD re-surging, a wave of old memories causing him grief in his midlife crises- they should have noticed it sooner, should have done something, said something, pushed him to see a professional...but no one wanted to talk about it.

No one wanted to notice the growing elephant in the room and break the fragile world that everything was okay.

Everything was...not okay.

Everything was dismal and bleak.

Early Dementia is what the doctors said, most likely brought on by the multiple recorded concussions in Steve's medical history and as both Billy and the other's knew...ones that weren't listed.

The guilt was...immeasurable. Steve himself was the only one who even dared be positive over the diagnosis, holding Billy tight in his arms to sooth both Billy and himself.

"It's okay...It's not your fault...Don't ever blame yourself." Steve kissed Billy on the crown of his head where they sat together, the warmth of their shared bedroom of the last thirty years both a comfort and a reminder of their aging bodies- aging minds.

Billy would blame himself though, nothing would ever be able to pry that nail out of his heart, that one rusted nail of grief and guilt over maybe being the deciding factor, the tipping point. The Reason.

The doctors said there were ways to slow the onset of the disease, ways to build up healthy memory functions and regain small bits of self reliance and autonomy, but it wasn't a cure.

There wasn't a cure and Billy wanted to tare down entire cities with his rage over that fact. How could other dimensions with monsters and little girls with mind powers be real...but not a simple cure for a fucking disease?

It's not fair.

It's not right.

It's not supposed to happen to them, they saved the world more times than should have been necessary and-...and now they have to suffer too?

Was it not enough to bleed and to cry and too loose and to wake panicked in the night over wind and rain at their windows or the darkness of the night?

It wasn't fair.

And Steve- Steve was so...so good, so calm, so caring, so attentive to those around him already processing the grief of their loved one who was still there...but fading. Always fading.

"You know...I'm glad it's me." Steve would say, tears in his eyes as he smiled. "I'm- so glad I don't have to watch you or any of the kids...disappear."

It was selfish of Steve to say, in Billy's opinion, because he had to watch it. Billy had to watch Steve disappear and the kids had to watch him disappear and it hurt so goddamned bad.

But Billy knew he couldn't grieve his lover while he still lived, it wasn't right, it wasn't fair to Steve and it wasn't fair to the kids.

It wasn't fair but it was happening and the only thing they could do was to just keep living their lives. Keep experiencing and making new memories, take photos and write letters, buy shirts with event names, sign cards with love and kisses, visit more and just...exist more.

Billy and Steve's house had always been the hangout spot, but after Steve's diagnosis, it became a second home for anyone and everyone whenever they wanted. Photos cluttered the walls, memories and dates written down and notes pinned to pinboards so Steve could look back on things in case he forgot them.

It became their thing, the Wall of Memories, they called it, and it was all for Steve.

And after Steve could no longer leave his home, when Billy became his primary care person who dealt with Steve's worst days and made sure he was present for Steve's best, the Wall of Memories became Steve's home, his world.

The living room became the bedroom, the bedroom became the third guest room and when all of that was gone, when the living room bedroom was no longer needed and the smell of hospital soap and white linens took over, the Wall of Memories became everyone's.

[weird-an]

Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💙

@sanguine-tenshi You sent me that ask, too! Thank you.

I think I did one of these already, but well, some days you need to love yourself a little more and today is one of these days. I love all my fics. My faves depend on my mood. Here is today's selection:

A Study In Bruises - I love the exploration of the similarities and differences of Jonathan and Billy and also, how an outsider's POV shows glimpses of Steve's and Billy's relationship. It was so much fun to write and I love to revisit it.

Cross Road Blues - Billy selling his soul to Demon! Steve, wanting Neil to stop hurting him. I could imagine it so so well writing it. This whole AU is a movie in my mind! It was so much fun to punish Neil Hargrove, too (if I'm honest). Also, I loved the little joke about Steve sucking at math (because hey, he's a demon and has powers, but that doesn't solve your issues with algebra).

Mama Don't Preach - Billy's mom comes back, wanting to meet her son. Billy and his mom is another intriguing relationship. Also, Steve's POV hits differently in this one.

Swallowing The Truth - Heavy Angst is also a good flavour to write and I just love Billy getting out of Cherry Lane. And Jim gets to punch Neil.

Snake Charmer (Good Omens) - A little cracky thing about Aziraphale taken an interest in snakes and Crowley being jealous. My first Good Omens fic and so much fun!!

Spreading the love in other people's asks now! <3

[bg-sparrow]

BTTF Year-End Tag Game!

Thanks for the tag, @mjf-af! And thanks for loving one of my favorite fics this year, @daryfromthefuture! 🥰

This year:

How many times would you guess you watched the first back to the future movie? First film, only once or twice. After I finished basically studying it frame-for-frame for my triloogy rewrite, I took a bit of a break lol.

Did you get any sweet bttf merch? If so, what! I did! Lots! I got the complete 1989 BttF II Topps trading card collection, We Don't Need Roads: The Making of the Back to the Future Trilogy, Creating Back to hte Future: The Musical, Save the Clocktower tote, BttF Musical t-shirt, Pink Clint Eastwood hoodie, Enchantment Under the Sea Dance t-shirt, and a 10K medal from MedalChasers!

3. How many cans of Pepsi Free did you chug this year? None. Don't hurt me, but I'm a Diet Coke girl. I was heavily into Pespi in my youth, but I gave up pop for a few years, then one of my medications changed my tastebuds like whoa and I couldn't handle how sweet it was!

4. What was a favorite bttf fanfic you read this year? Don't do this to me! 😩 Tie between He Didn't Start the Fire by @daryfromthefuture, which really started all this 40s Doc phenomenon and was gifted to me in exchange for A Fracture in the Space-time Continuum. I also loved being a part of @professorsaber's r/ThePinheads: Guys, Marty McFLy really *is* a time traveller!!!

5. A favorite bttf fanart you saw this year? (please give us a link, not a screencap/repost!) My favorite this year was one that was a surprise made just for me, so it has no link, unfortunately. @daryfromthefuture drew this for my birthday way back in March of her Until I Get Home Marty and my Once Upon A Time in the West "Clint" about to be blown to bits by cake. Affectionately. :) I smile at it often and love it so much! 🥰

6. Did you create any bttf fanart or fanfic? If you did, what one(s) are you proudest of? Pfffft. Apparently, I added 22 (‽) fics to the BttF AO3 this year?? When the hell did I have time to do that?? Anyhoo, my favorite is a three-way tie and changes based on my mood: A Fracture in the Space-time Continuum (the most canon-flavored of the lot), Now I Am Become Death (my history-heavy Manhattan Project Doc fic), and Once Upon a Time in the East (#2) (because of all the personal leaps in my writing I took with this one).

7. How many times were you late for school this year? I don't attend school anymore, and being self-employed, I have the luxury of running a few minutes late (if it's more than 5 minutes, I count it as late late).

8. Did you watch any other movies/tv shows with BTTF actors in them? I watched MJF's documentary, Still. I watched about a million episodes of classic Spongebob, where Tom Wilson does a lot of voice acting. Watched Who Framed Roger Rabbit? once with Christopher Lloyd as the amazingly unsettling Judge Doom, Titanic with Billy Zane, and I think that's it. I didn't get a lot of screen time outside writing this year.

9. Was there a memorable moment you heard a Huey Lewis song this year? In September, "Hip to be a Square" came on in the grocery store, and I was reminded how much I loved that song as a kid. I'm gonna catch hands for this, but it's probably my favorite Huey Lewis song. :)

10. How many times did you fall down this year? I don't even know. Two of those falls involved my lower legs folding up underneath me as I slid down the stairs, though. The first time, I broke a toe, and the second time was down a set of brick stairs. My entire left leg was a bruise from knee to ankle. There is still some swelling in my knee a month later that makes it painful to kneel on that knee.

11. Did you get to see BTTF: The Musical? What was your experience like! I did I did I did I did I DID!! It was AMAZING! I was out the door and back home in 25 hours, and it was such a fun solo venture! I even got to meet @bri-to-the-future because we happened to be there the same day! I have detailed it extensively in this post!

12. How many times did your mom retell the story of how she and your father met? Uh, maybe once that I heard (I don't live with them anymore). It's a great story. I heard it a bunch growing up, though! My mom was a Good Student, and my dad was Just There Joking-type. They had Home Ec together. She was passing out tests for the teacher, and my dad handed the test back to my mom and said, "I don't want this." My mom just froze up because she didn't know what to do. XD

13. If you could describe your year in a BTTF quote, which one would it be? "You man enough to back them up with more than just a pie plate?" comes to mind because I'm a dreamer with ADHD. That means I spout off stuff all the time that I want to do (fics I want to write), but they're only going to get done through my actions. Starting stuff is hard for an ADHDer, even if it's something we REALLY want to do. I have to follow through or it won't happen. And I did a good deal of that this year and last year, and I'm big proud of that!

14.⚡️LIGHTNING ROUND⚡️ Did you get to: go on any trains, skate on a skateboard, ride a horse, drive a Delorean, run in the rain, go to a dance, hang up a clock, play the guitar, pull an all-nighter, read science fiction, or drive-thru Burger King this year?

15. Your future is whatever you make it! So what are you going to make of this coming year? I said this last year, but this year I'm gonna stick to it: this coming year, I'm going to focus more on reading again. I've spent the last three years going so hard with my writing, terrified if I stopped I wouldn't start again for another eight years, but I'm also confident enough to say that I'll be writing here and there again and not lose it like I did before. I want to read more in 2024 because some of my own writing is feeling stale, like I'm reusing phrases, words, scenarios, etc., and I need some new stuff to inspire the evolution of my writing. I also want to start working on something original! I will absolutely still be around (I host June of Doom after all, and I have a McFly July streak to maintain)! So keep tagging me in these awesome games!

I'm tagging everyone who hasn't been tagged yet!!! :D

[rogeriswater]

Don’t Leave Me Now

xxi

This work contains fictionalized versions of real events and people. Most details won’t be accurate to real life.

tags for this chapter: p.o.v changes, rough grabbing, some gaslighting, some smut at the end

~m.r~

I was so blissfully in love with Roger Waters. Ever since we both confessed our love to each other, I've just been feeling so happy. Even with Syd's looming departure, which was being officially announced today, I was so euphoric with the thought of Roger.

Now yes, while I was in love with another man, I still cared about my husband and I wasn't just going to leave him. At least not yet. I hadn't forgotten about that one comment he made to me about thinking I should change myself. I'll admit, that I've been neglecting Billy as of late. Whenever he's been in the mood, I haven't been. Because the only person I've been wanting is Roger. Poor Billy didn't have a clue of what was going on. Roger and I were ever so careful about getting together.

I knew Judy didn't suspect anything. We've been getting to know each other better. She's been awfully kind to me as of late. Sometimes, guilt would look over me because Roger was still her boyfriend and I knew she loved him so. Sometimes the guilt would be about Billy and how I was hurting him by having feelings for another man, while I still loved him.

But whenever I got with Roger, whenever he would hold me in his arms and kiss me so passionately, the guilt would wash away. It was like Roger was my drug and I'd get so high every time I was with him. I had never in my life has felt such a way about anyone before.

I had even began writing love poems again, something I hadn't done since my relationship with Billy first began. I made sure to lock away the poems as I didn't want Billy to find them. He'd probably assume they were about him, but I didn't want him to see the private things I have written for another man. They would be for Roger's eyes only.

The band's presence was required at a meeting today, some final things to go over before Syd leaves. Billy had, for whatever reason, decided that he was going to come with me today. I argued with him, stating that he had no business at meeting since he wasn't a member.

He glared at me. "What, I can't be there to support my wife?"

"It's band business and you aren't part of the band" I told him.

"You won't even notice I'm there" He tried to persuade me. I was about to argue against him again, but he gripped onto my wrist. "Please, my love? It's the least you can do, considering I haven't even gotten a kiss from you for days"

I could feel him squeezing my wrist. "Billy, let go. You're hurting me"

"Then tell me I can go with you" His grip on me kept getting tighter and tighter, until I had no choice but to agree.

"Fine! Just let me go!"

He let me go and then he smiled as if he didn't just nearly break my bones in my wrist. "I love you" He said sweetly. "Now, can I get a kiss from my sweet wife?" He didn't even give me a chance to answer. He grabbed my jaw and forcefully pressed his lips to mine. When he was satisfied, he smirked and walked away.

I looked at my wrist where it was now red with the shape of hand print. And that kiss. That was the first time I've ever truly felt disgusted from a kiss that my own husband gave me. I only wish that I knew at that time how worse it would get with him.

...

I was kind of quiet on the way to the meeting. I didn't even look at Billy and every time he tried to touch either my hand or my thigh, I would get him off of me. "Why are you being such a prude lately?" He bitterly asked me, cutting through the silence.

And that was the first time I looked at him this entire ride. "Excuse me?"

"You won't touch me or kiss me, and when is the last time we fucked, huh?" He wasn't even looking at me. "Do I disgust you or something?"

"No, of course not" I said.

"Then the least you can do is give me a damn blowjob. You're my wife and your job is to please me" Where the fuck was this behavior coming from anyways? In the twelve years we've been together, he's never degraded me like that. "You should be damn grateful I let you have a music career in the first place, considering it's keeping you from me" I didn't even say anything after that. I just cried to myself, hoping that when I see Roger, he'd make me feel better like he always does.

~r.w~

We were all sitting around waiting for Maggie to show up. She eventually did, but she wasn't alone. Why the fuck was Billy with her? And why did she look so upset? What did he do to her?

"Maggie" Peter greeted her.

She forced a smile. "Hi Peter, hi Andrew" She waved at them. Then, she waved at all of us. "Hi boys"

"Mags, I don't mean to be rude but why is he here?" I asked, glaring at Billy. "This is a band meeting and last I checked he wasn't part of the band"

Billy rolled his eyes. "You won't even know I'm here, I promise" He went off to go sit in a back corner while Maggie came to sit between me and David.

I grabbed her hand under the table where no one could notice. I could see her smile a little bit, and she squeezed my hand. I turned slightly to look back at Billy and I noticed the hard stare he had on her. I then looked forward again as Peter continued on.

"Maggie, I don't know if you remember Steve O'Rourke" Peter motioned to the man in question.

Maggie nodded at him. "Of course, I do. How are you, Steve?"

Steve smiled. "I'm fine, thank you, Maggie"

And with that, we preceded on with the meeting. Peter and Andrew said that they would be leaving with Syd, and that Steve would be taking over as our manager. But I couldn't pay attention to any of that. At some point, I had glanced down and I noticed that my sunshine's wrist had a red handprint on it.

Did he do that to her? I swear, if he lays one fucking hand on her, I will kick his ass. I kept glaring over at him when I had the chance. The fucker didn't even notice as he was busy glaring holes into the back of Maggie's head.

We were dismissed for a short break. Maggie got up to leave the room. Before she could, Billy grabbed her by the arm and whispered something in her ear. I couldn't help but notice the way she winced when he grabbed her. I want him to let go of my sunshine. He's hurting her. Maggie forcefully pulled her arm away from him, and glared at Billy before leaving.

Once Billy was alone, I took the opportunity to approach him. He saw me and sighed in annoyance. "What do you want, Waters?"

"I want to talk to you. You better get your arse out in that hallway before I drag you out there myself" Billy laughed like I was joking around. I grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him up to his feet. He seemed surprised at my strength. "I'm being fucking serious"

"Fine" He proceeded to step out into the hall and I followed after him. "What the fuck is your problem anyways?"

"Did you hurt her?" I asked him.

"I'm sorry?" The idiot blinked as if he had no clue what I was talking about.

"I saw her wrist. Did you do that to her?"

"Oh, that? She scalded her skin on some hot water when she was doing the dishes" Wow, that was some fucking excuse. "Look, Maggie is my wife. Whatever goes on between me and her isn't any of your fucking business. I'm not saying I hit her, but I can do whatever I goddamn please with her. She's my wife"

He was a real fucking piece of work. Why the hell does Maggie even stay with him? It would make sense if she was scared of him, but she doesn't have to be. I would protect her from him. I wanted to say something to the piece of shit, but I refrained when I saw Maggie coming back.

When she saw me, she smiled, but as soon as she looked at Billy, her face dropped. He tried to step towards her, but I got in between them. He clearly wasn't happy with what I did, but he couldn't be bothered to argue with my actions. Instead, he huffed and went back into the room.

"What did you say to him?" Maggie asked me.

"I saw the red on your wrist and I asked him about it" I told her.

Her eyes widened. "Why would you do that?"

"Did he?" As soon as I asked that, she looked down. "Sunshine" I said softly, grabbing her hand. "Please, tell me"

"He didn't" She said. "I scalded my wrist on some hot water" That was the exact reason he gave me. Maybe he really didn't hurt her and I was just being paranoid. Or maybe that's the reason he told her to give and I had every right to worry about her.

I grabbed her hand and pressed a kiss to the redness on her wrist. "I just love you so much, and I can't help but worry when I see something like this"

She smiled. "I love you too, Roger" She clasped my hand in between both of hers and brought it up her so she could kiss it. "I've been thinking about something"

"What is it, darling?"

"I think I'm ready to divorce him"

"Really?"

"You'll have to give me a bit of time, though" She said. "But I do want to be yours completely"

"I understand. You've been married to him for a long time" I told her. "And when you're finally all mine, I'm gonna marry you, okay?" She looked as though she wanted to say but she didn't. "What's wrong, sunshine?"

"You don't think we're moving too fast, do you?" She said, looking down.

"It's not moving too fast if it feels right" I cupped her face and made her look up at me. "And darling, every moment I've been with you has felt so right" I leaned in and touched my forehead to hers. "I need to be with you tonight""Billy's home tonight"

"Just tell him you have to do some work to do in the studio" I just needed to be with her tonight. "I'll pick you up tonight and we can go to a motel just outside of town"

"A motel?" She asked.

"I'd prefer to have you home with me, but Judy—"

"I understand. A motel sounds perfect"

I was just about to kiss her but we quickly pulled away when we heard the door open. "There you two are" It was Rick who had interrupted us. "We're continuing with the meeting if you both can be bothered to join"

 "We'll be right there, Rick" I told him.

He nodded and glanced between us. "What are you two doing out here anyways?"

"Just having some friendly conversation" Maggie answered quickly.

"Nothing wrong with that then, is there Rick?" My tone was a bit harsher than I intended it to be. I was a little irritated that Maggie and I had been interrupted.

"I never said that there was, Rog" His tone was defensive.

She touched my shoulder and leaned in to whisper in my ear. "Babe, be nice to him"

"I didn't mean to snap at you like that" I apologized to Rick. "We'll be right in" He nodding, going back inside the room, leaving us alone again. "After you then, darling" As much as I wanted to just stay out here with Maggie, this meeting was important.

When we went back inside, I noticed straight away that Billy was glaring in our direction. I just wanted to grab Maggie and kiss her in front of him, showing Billy that his wife was mine now. I wonder, when he kisses her, does she think of me? When he fucks her, does she imagine it's my cock buried deep inside her cunt?

~m.r~

I was more than ready to ditch Billy tonight and go spend the night with Roger. I wish we didn't have to get together in a motel, but at least we would be together. Speaking of Billy, he had me waiting for him while he was doing god knows what.

It gave me the perfect time to smoke a cigarette, however, before Billy could start scolding me for it. I sat on the cement steps that led into the building. It wasn't very long until a felt a presence beside me.

It was Syd. He hasn't been very talkative today, but to be fair, I wouldn't be either if I had been hearing all day about how I was basically fired from the band. He looked down at his shoes as he had his hands in his lap. "I'm going to miss you, shining star" He spoke his first words of the day.

I solemnly smiled. "I'm going to miss you too, Syd. I tried to fight for you, I really did but—"

"I know" Syd turned his head towards me and smiled slightly. "I'll write you" He promised me. "Not everyday, but when I remember to. I don't want to let go of our friendship"

"I would like that"

"And I hope everything works out between you and Roger"

I tried to keep a straight face. "Syd, I don't know—"

"I may be crazy, but I'm not dumb, Maggie" He hugged me before standing up.

He began to walk away, but I called out to him before he got very far. "Aren't you going to say goodbye to the others?"

Syd sighed. "I think it's easier for all of us if I don't" And with that, Syd turned and walked away. As I watched him disappear around the corner, I was unsure if I was ever going to see him again.

I could hear footsteps behind me. I felt a hand go on my shoulder. I was expecting it to be Roger, but to my surprise, it was David instead. "Oh, I thought you were someone else" I said.

"Let me guess? Billy?" David asked. Well, more like I was hoping to see Roger, but I nodded, going along with David's interaction. "He's rather occupied in there"

"Wait, what do you mean occupied?"

"Well, he's been chatting up the receptionist at the front desk" He explained to me. "Seemed like flirting to me" I felt my jaw clenching. "Thought you should know"

"Is he still there?" I asked.

"He is" David confirmed.

I put out my cigarette and made my way inside. Just as David said, there was Billy, leaning against the reception desk, chatting up the blonde woman behind it. She was giggling and smiling at him, as she twirled a piece of hair between her fingers. I approached Billy and placed my hand on his back, making him jump a little. "Honey," I made sure to say it nice and loud to receptionist. "Are you almost ready to go?"

I didn't miss the dirty look the receptionist gave me. Billy laughed uncomfortably. "Hi honey. You're right, we should go before we miss our dinner reservations" He tried to change the subject.

"We never made plans for dinner"

"Well, I was going to surprise you" He tried to pass off.

"But I—" Before I knew it, he was grabbing my hand and pulling me out of the building. "Billy, stop!" I managed to pull myself out of his grip. "I can't go to dinner tonight"

"And why not?" He asked.

"Because I have to go to the studio tonight"

"I'm sure they'll be just fine without you for one night" Billy's tone turned sweet. He wrapped his arms around me, pulled me close against him and started rubbing my back. "Come on, I miss my wife. You don't spend any time with me anymore"

"I know, but I—"

"If you love me, you will let me take you out to dinner" He started placing kisses along my jaw until he came up to my ear. "Please, Maggie. I love you so much and I just want to have my beautiful wife back" His demeanor was completely different from the way he was this morning. Maybe he really was sorry for the way he treated me and wanted to make it up to me. I at least owe him that, I suppose.

I smiled, feeling once again loved by my husband. "Dinner sounds lovely, Billy. And I'm sorry that we haven't had as much time together" Now my guilt was coming through. I really have been a terrible wife as of late. "I'll try to spend more time with you, I promise"

Billy smiled, grabbing my face and kissing me. This kiss felt more genuine than the one he gave me this morning. He stopped kissing me to look off in the distance, and his smile fell. I followed his eyesight to see what he was looking at. It was Roger. "Why is he looking at us?"

"I'll go talk to him" I stepped away from Billy and made my way over to Roger. "Roger, I—"

"I thought you hated him" Roger was clearly angry with me. "You said you were ready to divorce him"

"And I said you have to give me time" I reminded him.

"I'm not seeing you tonight, am I?" I couldn't verbally answer. All I could do was shake my head no. Roger scoffed. "You can't love both of us" Without another word, he turned and walked away. Fuck, did he hate me now? I didn't want Roger to hate me.

I tried not to cry as I went back over to Billy. He seemed genuinely concerned as he noticed my hurt expression. "What's wrong? What did he say to you?"

"Oh. He's just a little pissed that I have to skip out on studio time" I quickly made up. "But I'm sure he'll get over it"

...

Billy and I went to eat at a fancy place in town. I tried to focus on being here with him, but my mind kept wandering to Roger and how angry he was that I had picked Billy over him tonight. "Honey, are you alright?" I heard Billy ask me.

"Oh" I was knocked back into the present. "Yeah, I'm fine. Though there is something"

"What is it?"

"You never did apologize for hurting me this morning"

Billy raised an eyebrow. "I never hurt you though, did I?"

I stared blankly at him. "You're kidding me, right?" I held up my arm, showing him my still very red wrist. "You call this not hurting me?"

"Come on, I didn't even grab you that hard" He had the audacity to say. "Maybe you're just sensitive" What the fuck? He was being sweet and caring to me literally moments ago, and now he's acting like he was this morning. "By the way, did you tell Roger I hurt you? Because he was asking about it and I don't appreciate you telling lies about me"

Now I was getting angry. "Are you serious? He saw the mark you left on my wrist!"

Billy rolled his eyes. "How do I know that you didn't just use makeup to make it look like I did?"

That's it. I wasn't going to sit here and take this from him. I stood up and began walking out without saying a word to him. "Where are you going!?" I heard him shouting at me, and he no doubt got the attention of everyone in the restaurant. "We're supposed to be having a date!" I just continued to ignore him and my feet carried me to the first place close by that I could think of.

...

I knocked on Clea's door. My first instinct would have been to go to Roger's but he was mad at me and Judy was also there so it would have looked suspicious. The door opened and I was surprised to see that it wasn't Clea, but in fact her boyfriend, Elliott. "Maggie, what are you doing here?" He asked.

"Is Clea home?" I asked. Elliott nodded and motioned for me to come in. I took a seat in her living room as I waited for Elliott to go fetch her.

"Hey, girlie" She greeted when she saw me. I got up so that I could hug her. "What brings you by?"

"Clea, there's something I gotta tell you but you have to promise me you won't tell anybody"

"Oh my God, you're pregnant, aren't you?" She immediately jumped to conclusions. "Does Billy know?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm not pregnant"

"Oh" Clea frowned. "Then what's going on?"

"I'm in love with Roger" I came right out and said it. "We've been together for a few months"

Clea took a moment to process what I just said before she cracked a smile. "I knew it!" She said excitedly. "Does he love you?"

Hearing her ask that made me crack a smile. "He does"

"Have you two...?" Clea trailed off and I knew what she was hinting at.

"No, but we've touched each other and I've sucked him off a few times"

Clea smirked. "What does he look like?"

"Fuck, Clea, his cock is gorgeous. He's so big. Even when he's not hard, it's like half the size of his thigh"

"Should've guessed he would have a huge cock. Guys who are tall and skinny like that all seem to have the bigger dicks" Clea stated as if it were a well known fact. She was about to say something else, when she noticed my wrist and grabbed it gently. "What the hell did you do to your arm?"

I hesitated before answering. "Scalded it with some hot water"

Clea gave me a look like she knew I was lying. "I don't think scalding water can leave a handprint. It was Billy, wasn't it?"

"He didn't mean to" I said, tugging my arm out of her grasp. I tried to change the subject. "So, when did you and Elliott start living together?"

Clea shook her head. "Don't try changing the subject, Maggie" She spoke, acting like an overprotective mother. She scooted closer to me and wrapped an arm around me. "As your best friend, let me give you some advice. Leave your marriage now before it gets to a point where you won't be able to leave"

"You mean if I get pregnant?"

"Yeah, or if he gets physically worse with you and you become too scared to leave" Clea explained. "Think of the situation your mom is in. Do you think she's ever going to leave Steve now?" Perhaps Clea had a point. "And besides, if you fell in love with Roger, you weren't really meant to be with Billy in the first place"

I smiled. "Thanks, Clea. Where would I be without you?" The two of us hugged again. I ended up staying the night with Clea and Elliott. Home was definitely the last place I wanted to be right now. God, my home didn't even feel like my home anymore. Roger felt like home. But he probably didn't want anything to do with me anymore. He looked so hurt when I chose Billy over him.

~r.w~

Maggie promised me that she would spend time with me. But, no, she chooses the asshole that laid a hand on her. Did she even mean it when she said she was going to divorce him? I understand that she needs time, but it doesn't help to speed up the process when she then proceeds to make out with her husband.

Fuck, I was so pissed with her right now. When I came home, I slammed the door behind me, which made Judy come running out. "Roger!" She scolded me. "Please don't slam the door like that. You know it—" I cut her off when I grabbed her and pressed a hard kiss to her lips.

I think I was trying to convince myself that I still loved her deep down, but as I was kissing her now, I could only think of Maggie. Judy didn't seem to catch on. She was grabbing at my shirt and muttering in between kisses. "Fuck me, Roger"

So that's what I did. I fucked her hard into the mattress. But whenever I was looking at her, it wasn't Judy I saw. It was Maggie that I saw underneath me. I shut my eyes tight as I came, and I had to try my best not to let out her name. When my eyes opened, Maggie's face was gone and it was Judy again.

I rolled off of Judy. She sighed, content with the sex we just had. She wrapped an arm around me and laid her head against my chest. "I love you so much, Roger"

"I love you, too" I said the words but they didn't mean anything anymore. At least about Judy. The words only meant true if I spoke them to Maggie. I wasn't pissed at her anymore. If anything, I was more determined to make her see that I was the one who deserves her. Not him.

[lightsupinthenorth]

Read on AO3 

TW: mentions of child abuse and medical procedure

*

Billy really wants to skip school today. Well, he kind of always does, but usually the idea of seeing Steve Harrington gives him enough incentive to get out of bed even if the prospect of sitting trough a whole day of classes is less than satisfactory. That day, though, even Steve Harrington is not enough.

Billy pissed off his father last night, and he took a mean kick to the ribs for it. As a result, his left side hurts like a bitch, he didn’t sleep well, and he’s so exhausted that when he finally gets up, he sees black spots dancing in front of his eyes and he nearly falls to the floor, his legs as consistent as jelly.  

He’ll never survive the morning periods, let alone basketball practice this afternoon. Billy sighs. This day is going to suck. There’s no doubt about that. He’s got to make his peace with the fact and power through, because he cannot skip, no matter how hard he wants to. His father is particularly intransigent these days, and Billy doesn’t need to give him any more reason to be angry.

So, he takes a quick shower, he skips breakfast, and before he realizes it, he’s sitting at his usual back row desk in his English lit class, feeling miserable as hell and trying to hide it.

“Who pissed in your cereals this morning, Hargrove?”

Okay, so the “hiding” part of it isn’t a success, apparently.

“Fuck off, Harrington, I’m a real ray of sunshine.” Billy says.

Steve and he have been friendly since Billy apologized for bashing his face in. Now is not the time to needle Billy, though, and Harrington would better be aware of that, lest it get messy again.

“Oh sure! Just a very grumpy looking one. You shouldn’t scowl that hard, you’re gonna get wrinkles.”

It only makes Billy scowl harder. Steve smiles his brightest smile at him, for whatever strange reason, and it makes Billy relax slightly.

Thankfully, the teacher arrives before Steve has time to ask anything else.

Billy avoids the cafeteria at lunch. He’s got no food, nor does he have money to buy some. He knows Steve would get him something without him even needing to ask for it, but he’s not hungry anyway, so it would be rather pointless.

When Billy enters the changing room, Steve is already there, and of course he mentions it. He’s a mother hen like that.

“I didn’t see you at lunch. Did you manage to eat something? I have granola bars if you want.”

“I did eat.” Billy lies, “but thanks for the offer, Pretty boy.”

“No problem.” Steve smiles brightly again.

Billy is lightheaded already from exhaustion and lack of food, Steve doesn’t need to add to it. How rude.

“Are you sure you’re okay, though? You look a little pale.”

He rolls his eyes.

“Yes, mom, I’m fine.”

Look, another lie! Way to go, Billy.

“Fuck off. You’re a disaster, someone has to look after your ass.”  

Billy flips him the bird half-heartedly before putting his shorts on.

During practice, he insists on playing shirts, for once, so the bruise on the left side of his abdomen doesn’t raise any question. He shouldn’t have bothered, though. Barely three minutes later, he’s entirely out of fuel already and must take a break. He then makes the mistake of getting back into the match, only to be hit in the stomach with the ball and nearly faint.

“Hargrove, you’re out of it, what’s wrong with you?”

Billy assures he’s fine, but he’s slurring his words, so obviously the coach doesn’t believe him.

“Go sit down, go to the nurse, whatever, just stop playing. I don’t want you fainting on the court.”

Billy grumbles, but he obeys nonetheless. He doesn’t have enough energy to put up a fight right now.  

He goes to the showers, and it’s all peachy until he slips on the wet tile and bumps his head on the wall. He regains consciousness to Steve leaning over him, looking freaked.

“What are you doing here?” Billy mumbles.

“I wanted to check if you were okay. Seems like it was good instinct on my part.” Steve says.

“Come on, let’s get you off the floor.”

It’s a strenuous process, and Billy can’t hold a groan in as pain flares up his side, but Steve does manage to get him back to his feet. He only then notices he’s naked, which is very embarrassing.

“What’s that?” Steve asks, pointing the nasty bruise on Billy’s torso.

“Nothing.”

“Uh, don’t bullshit me, Hargrove.”

“Calm your tits, princess, I am fine.”

Steve scoffs.

“Oh yeah, sure, you just fainted in the showers and you’ve looked half-dead all day. You’re the perfect picture of ‘fine’.”

Billy goes back to scowling, because the truth is not pleasant to hear, and Steve is serving it to him and forcing him to stop ignoring it. Again, rude.

“I’m just tired.”

“Maybe, but I don’t think that’s it.”

“Oh, you’re an expert on health matters now, Harrington?”

Steve huffs.

“No, you smart ass, but we have a perfectly competent school nurse, you could go to her, you know. Just to make sure.”

“Pass.”

“No.”

Billy glares at him.

“What do you mean, no?”

“No, I won’t let you decide. Your decision making is shit. I’m deciding right now, and I say you’re going to the nurse.”

The nerves of that guy.

“Don’t tell me what to do!” Billy’s going for angry, but his voice is so weak he just sounds petulant.

“Okay then! I’m telling you what I am going to do. I am going to take you to the nurse to get checked out even if I have to drag you there!”

Steve, unlike Billy, has no trouble sounding furious. His eyes are glaring daggers at Billy, his hands are clenched into fists, and his chest is heaving with how worked up he is. Billy would probably get a hard-on if he weren’t so tired. It’s a good thing he doesn’t, because he’s still very much naked.

“Stop treating me like one of your kids! I can take care of myself.” Billy says through gritted teeth.

He doesn’t want to admit defeat, even if he recognizes he’s in the wrong. His pride can’t take it.

“You obviously can’t!” Steve yells.

There are a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, and then Steve’s anger seems to deflate. He sighs.

“Look, I’m really worried. Would you please, please, just go to the nurse with me? I’ll owe you one.”

And isn’t it just like Steve, to make it seem like Billy’s doing him a favor by taking care of himself? Great, now Billy feels bad. He could deal with angry Steve, but he’s no match against pleading Steve with his puppy eyes.

“Okay, fine… Just let me get dressed and we’ll go.”

It takes Billy forever to put on his jeans and T-shirt. He slips on his sneakers and is planning on leaving the laces undone, but Steve won’t have it and bends down to tie them for him. Steve is on his knees in front of Billy… and here he thought Steve was trying to help him, not kill him.

It turns out Steve was right to pester Billy about consulting a health professional, because he ends up in the hospital to get surgery for a ruptured spleen. It’s going to cost a small fortune, and Neil’s not going to be happy, but it’s his fault so he’s not allowed to bitch about it.

Steve is there for him until he gets taken to the operating room. And, God knows how long after the surgery, Billy wakes up to Steve holding his hand.

When he realizes Billy is awake, Steve tries to take his hand away, but Billy holds it in place. 

“Are you okay?” He asks, after clearing his throat.

“Sure.” Billy croaks. “I’m sure it’s a pretty standard operation, Pretty boy. It wasn’t that big a deal.”

“Shut up. You scared the hell out of me.”

“I’m sorry…” he mutters.

“Don’t apologize… even if you were being particularly stubborn, it’s not like it’s your fault you ruptured your spleen.” Steve says, running his thumb on the back to Billy’s hand.

“About that…” he goes on, “I overheard the nurses talking… and uh… they mentioned domestic violence.”

“What about it?” Billy asks defensively, tensing up.

“Well… feel free to tell me to fuck off, but…”

Billy scoffs. As if he needed Steve’s permission to tell him to fuck off.  

“Is it true?” Steve finishes, his whole expression radiating concern.

“What do you think? That I got into a fight in some bar on a Monday night?”

And really, Billy doesn’t mean to be that prickly. It’s just a subconscious and desperate attempt at preventing the walls he built around himself from crumbling down.

However, the sad look Steve gives him is enough to make his attempt fail tremendously and annihilate the said walls until Billy is laid bare, defenseless.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“Just… stay with me, please?” Billy hasn’t sounded that vulnerable since he last was on the phone with his mother, begging her to come back for him.

“Of course.” Steve squeezes his hand. “I meant, what more can I do?”

“Nothing. You being there is enough.”

Steve doesn’t look convinced, but he thankfully doesn’t argue.

“Oh wait, there might be something.”

“What?” Steve looks ready to burn Hawkins to ashes and throw down the entire government if Billy asks him to.  

Billy won’t ask that of him, though. He’d never do anything to taint Steve.

“Could you get me some water.”

Steve rolls his eyes.

“Sure. I was thinking of something a bit more substantial, though.”

“Oh, look at you, using big words!” Billy mocks.

“You just woke up from surgery, how are you already so annoying?”

“That’s one of my many talents.”

“I hate you sometimes.” Steve says in a deadpan voice.

“No, you don’t.”

Steve answers Billy’s teasing grin with a pout.

“No, I don’t.”

Billy cackles in triumph.

“What about that water, Pretty boy?” he then adds.

It’s not even to be a pain in the ass. He really is thirsty.

“Shit, sorry!” Steve replies, letting go of Billy’s hand to go fetch him something to drink.

Billy watches him with a fond smile as he exits the room. His life still sucks, but it sucks a bit less now that Steve is in it.

[majahu]

Scream: Ski Trip

I tried following the plot of scream (at least for the beginning) and there are spoilers, so I wouldn't recommend reading this if you haven't seen the movie. I also tried not to be super graphic writing this, but if you're sensitive to violence, mentions of murder, and mentions of sexual assault then I wouldn't read this story. I originally intended for it to be a Stu Macher x Reader x Billy Loomis story but it's kind of a slow burn and also

SPOILER ALERT

I didn't want the reader to forgive them for being literal murderers.

Also it takes a couple chapters for ghostface and (Y/N) to actually interact but I'm building it up so bare with me.

This is also posted on my wattpad (@ majaahu)

Prologue

Word count: 1,320

You woke with a start, sitting up in bed and gasping for breath. Beads of sweat dotted your forehead as your eyes darted around your bedroom, searching for some imagined threat that wasn’t there. You had been having the same nightmare over and over again for the past week: you were in a house you didn’t recognize, a room to be specific. You weren’t sure how you got there but you were panicked, searching the room for a way out. There were no windows, only a door who’s knob was shaking vigorously as if someone was trying to get in. Just before the door burst open and you saw who was on the other side, you always woke up. You mentioned this nightmare to your parents but they said it was probably just stress since semester finals were coming up.

Practically jogging up to the school, you spotted your friends, Sidney and Tatum on the sidewalk outside. “Hey guys!” You smiled cheerfully, walking up to them and shaking snowflakes out of your hair. They looked over at you, lacking the same enthusiasm. “What? Is there something on my face?”

“Oh god! You don’t know?” Tatum said, tucking a strand of short blonde hair behind her ear.

“Know what?”

“Casey Becker and Steve Forrest were killed last night.”

Sidney flinched as you stared at your friends in disbelief, the familiar feeling of dread creeping up in your stomach. “What?!”

“Yeah.” Tatum responded, “her parents found her hanging from a tree… insides on the outside.” You clapped a hand over your mouth, “I think I’m gonna be sick” you barely had the stomach for these things in the movies, much less in real life.

“Do they know who did it?” Sidney asked, also looking a little queasy.

“Fucking clueless.” Tatum said, “They’re interrogating the entire school.”

The three of you walked into the building, with a small sympathetic smile at them you split off and headed to your locker. Today was going to be a rough day.

Pulling your physics textbook from your locker, you heard a loud bang as a hand slammed into the locker next to you. “Fuck!” You gasped, whirling around to face a toothy grin and pair of baby blue eyes. “Not funny Stu!” You glared, shoving your textbook into your backpack. “Calm down nerd,” Stu said, tussling your hair “I’m just trying to lighten the mood. Everyone’s so depressed today.” “Can you blame them?” You looked up at him, whispering, “Casey and Steve were murdered!”

“Yeah, yeah… I better walk you to class the, you know, to protect you and all” he said, flexing his arm and winking at you. Walking down the hallway with Stu at your side, you headed towards your physics classroom. “You should try having some tact, you know. It couldn’t hurt.” Stu could be funny sometimes but you didn’t think he should be joking at a time like this when half the school was grieving. “Aw come on, (Y/N) don’t be mad at me, I was only messing with you.” He nudged your arm. “Yeah, whatever.” You said, splitting off from him and heading into class, not bothering to continue the conversation if he wasn’t going to take you seriously.

You spent the whole class thinking of Steve and Casey, you heard comments in the hall about how they had both been gutted and your stomach twisted. You couldn’t help but imagining the most gorey scenes featuring your two classmates. You were torn from your thoughts as you heard your teacher repeating you name. “Sorry, Mr. Bentley. I was distracted.” “It’s your turn,” he responded, nodding to the classroom door.

Your interview didn’t last long and you felt a little at ease with Tatum’s brother Dewey being there. They asked you if you knew Casey or Steve well and if you knew anyone who would want to hurt them, but that was it, no interrogation. You headed out to the courtyard, lunch in hand, though you weren’t sure if you’d be able to eat today with everything that was going on. You and your friends always ate in the courtyard, and despite the chill, you were glad for the fresh air. You sat down next to Billy and Sidney, Billy nodding at you. Tatum was rolling her eyes and calling Stu sexist. “Casey and Steve were completely hollowed out! Takes a man to do that.” “How do you gut someone?” Sidney said quietly as Billy draped an arm around her shoulder. Stu leaned in “you take a knife and slit from the groin to the sternum.” The group collectively rolled their eyes. “What?” Stu said defensively, putting his hands up, “she asked.”

“It’s called tact, you fuckrag.” Billy snarled at him. “That’s what I said…” you mumbled under your breath. Randy and Stu continued to make crass remarks while Billy yelled at them. “Hey, are you okay” Sidney said, reaching over Billy’s legs and poking you in the arm. “Yeah, just thinking about Casey and Steve… do they really think a student did it? I mean, who could do something like that, murder their own classmates like nothing? I feel sick just thinking about it.” You frowned as Sidney got up from her seat and moved to sit on the other side of you, giving you a small squeeze. You and Sidney had been best friends since childhood, and although this was maybe the worst moment of your life, you were happy to have her by your side. She always knew what to say to make you feel better.

Your attention snapped back to the conversation when Randy brought up Stu and Casey’s short lived relationship. “What are you saying? That I killed her or something?” “Stu was with me last night.” Tatum said, smiling at her beefy idiot boyfriend. Randy and Stu continued talking about the gross details of the murder, all while Stu and Tatum were engaged in some light PDA. You stepped away from the group, taking your stuff over to a neighboring bench and burning your head in your hands.

You felt a hand on your back as someone sat down next to you, “What’s the matter doll?” Billy said, offering you a small smile. “It just seems like nobody is taking this seriously, like people are excited or something!” You looked over at Randy and Stu, still cracking jokes. Stu said something about Liver and everyone rolled their eyes. You turned towards Billy, “I didn’t even know them but still… How’s Sidney holding up?” You couldn’t even imagine how your friend was feeling, worrying that this was bringing back some trauma for her. “She’s getting through it” Billy said, “and we’ll always be here for her right?” He said, guiding you back towards the group.

[whats-rambled-rambled]

Long Nights - playlist

You can find it on Spotify here.

Eddie Vedder - Long nights

I’ve already talked about it in another post a bit, so--

For the first time, I had a full series figured out even before I started writing. All the arcs, main plot points, even the final conversation! I even had a 3h long playlist with all the songs that would come in handy along the way, but still, none of them was the one (so basically same thing that happened with Smoke series)

I started thinking about the main theme and/or drive for our new Reader, and then it hit me. There already is a story with that vibe, and it has such an amazing soundtrack.

So I opened Spotify and browsed through the album.

And I found it.

The overall mood was not something that was going to be helpful at the beginning of the series, but oh my, those lyrics were it for all the things I had planned.

//Have no fear

For when I'm alone

I'll be better off than I was before//

That’s R, all right. Not afraid to be alone, she prefers it. Nothing can hurt her, unlike when she gets too invested. Commitment issues and whatnot.

//Long nights allow me to feel...

I'm falling...I am falling

The lights go out

Let me feel

I'm falling

I am falling safely to the ground//

Knowing what I was about to put R through, this looks only fitting, don’t you think?

Chapter 1: Sigrid - Don’t kill my vibe

I could see LN!R so clearly. I wanted to explore some of my favourite rogue tropes, and she was perfect for it. In my head, she was definitely younger than the other two from my previous series. A bold type, a joker, but serious when it comes to her craft. Not with the same heavy emotional baggage (not at the start, at least - I felt like, opposed to Smoke!R who was more about distracting herself when she felt too much, our new R would be more about denial, or hiding her issues behind her jokes).

I found this song on some random playlist, and I knew it was her.

//You shut me down, you like the control

You speak to me like I'm a child

Try to hold it down, I know the answer

I can shake it off and you feel threatened by me

I tried to play it nice but

Oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh

Don't kill my vibe

Oh-oh-oh, ooh, ooh

Don't break my stride//

To me, that was that moment she gets dragged into the car. Not having the obvious lies TP feeds her, definitely finding them all and the stuff they throw at her hilarious, calling them out on their bullshit without thinking twice over it.

//Guess you're surprised I'm the puzzle you can't figure out//

That got me an idea for part 2 and the coffee situation - come on, you know I can’t resist that trope when it comes to Neil, I think it’s an excellent way to get to know the characters a little bit and tell something more about the dynamic.

Tom Grennan - I might

To me, it’s another character introduction song.

//Oh I love, oh I love, love my freedom//

....you already know what I’m getting at, right?

//Don't want no one taking up my time

Staying on my mind, changing up my life

Don't want no one messing up my bed

Fucking with my head, it's no lie//

That’s her. R hates to be manipulated, that’s why she’s mad at Mahir. I didn’t want to put all the angst here, but I knew there was something deeper hidden there, after his comment about her trust issues. I didn’t know what exactly, but I knew it would come in handy later.

There was one spin on the story I was playing with - where she actually lets them all lead her on for a while, a whole elaborate ruse to get her invested and onboard, but that was a lot of drama quite early on, and I wanted this to be a lighter series (oh shush, I am well aware how that played out in the end, I tried, alright? Not my fault I apparently can’t come up with a story without sprinkling it with a shitload of angst)

//But when you look at me like that

I might//

See, this is when I stopped. I didn’t think R would be falling head over heels for Neil right from the start. That’s why the heart beating faster at the end of the chapter was supposed to be about the lock and something finally sparking her curiosity, taking her out of the boredom of everyday life.

Kings of Leon - Find me

That’s more chapter-specific.

//I really wanna know your name

See your face, know who you are, who you are

How did ya find me, how did ya find me?

What are you looking for, are you looking for

How did ya find me how did ya find me

Up in the shadow, picking up my load//

I found it quite fitting the moment R meets Neil again and he drags her to a back alley, and then again, in the car. She isn’t scared, more like fascinated, she finds the whole thing exciting, even.

American Authors - I’m born to run

Oh my god, the vibe of this song! This is that need for freedom and carelessness I needed to tap into.

//I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young

Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run

I'm gonna spend my time like tomorrow won't come

Do whatever I want like I'm born to run

I wanna see Paris, I wanna see Tokyo

I wanna be careless even if I break my bones

I'm gonna live my life like I'm gonna die young

Like it's never enough, like I'm born to run

All these things I've seen and done

I live my life like I'm born to run//

The Pretty Reckless - Prisoner

Another random song I found one day while I was cooking breakfast. I was like “oooh, I dig that!” and then I listened to the lyrics and I knew I needed it for this story.

//You could have my body

But you can't have me

I know I'm a criminal

Don't you tell on me//

That’s it. Her. I knew that would be handy for the moment Neil breaks after all the teasing. And that criminal bit. I mean - come on!

Missy Elliot - Work it

(This is technically part 2 but it was messing with the flow on the playlist and I’m leaving it here)

Okay, this is quite meta and corny, because this is probably one of the oldest jokes you can find for Tenet, and I’ve been battling with myself if I should even put it here, but I referenced it in the chapter, so here we are. I’ve loved this song for years, and when I was trying to think what would R listen to while she tries to clear her head while she works on the bloody inverted lock - that was the only thing that seemed appropriate.

//Come on

Is it worth it? Let me work it

I put my thang down, flip it and reverse it

Ti esrever dna ti pilf nwod gnaht ym tup i//

...you see what I mean?

Chapter 2: Praise you

God, okay, this song - when I heard it while I was working on the story, it brought a movie-like montage of scenes in front of my eyes. You know the type, when they try to show you how the time passes, how someone progressively becomes better at something. That was Neil, working on those locks. R giving him tips, then teasing him. The way he loses his cool, only to slowly gain confidence, and then how she ups her game, both of them getting their bits of satisfaction from the whole game.

//We've come a long long way together

Through the hard times and the good

I have to celebrate you baby

I have to praise you like I should//

Have I ever told you when exactly I got the idea for the series? When I was writing that hostage situation fic and the moment R remembers her lockpicking sessions. I thought - what if it was the other way around? What if that was Neil who was about to start learning about picking locks?

It had so much potential for ✨hand content✨ and how could I resist?

...And I knew that R would see what I’m seeing, and she would rather like it. And the image of a very flustered Neil while she teases the hell out of him? Yep, yep, yep.

Sam Fender - Start again

This one definitely starts that montage as well, the repetition of going over and over again. Even if the whole song is definitely heavier than I needed, I decided to keep it, mostly for this part:

//Let's start again

Let's learn to talk

Without the fear of being heard

'Cause everybody's listening to everything and everybody

Let's pull the cord

Move below

Let's start again//

Chapter 3: Billy Raffoul - Difficult

Ah, Billy. And when I found this one, I got goosebumps, because I instantly knew that if I had to choose one song for them, it would probably be this one.

//You never get lost in love, you only get lost in me

You never can get enough of whatever you think you need

No matter how hard I try I never can beat this rush

Ain't nobody get me high, feel lighter when we touch//

This fits them so well, innit? We know how R feels about this whole love thing, she enjoys a good shag, and I had a feeling that after such a build-up, that night together would be something quite amazing, for both of them.

//We never get lost in love, we only get lost in sheets

You'd rather just shut me off whenever we get too deep//

That’s the moment when they have a vibe check in the morning. They had fun. Is it gonna affect their dynamic? They’re attracted to each other, they understand one another. Can they keep it casual? We know that R can, or at least she thinks so, but what about Neil? We know he’s a soft idiot, but I specifically imagined a bit younger version of him for this story - he had to be, if he was just learning about lockpicking. So the whole “no dating, just sex” could be fine with him for a while, but would he catch feelings anyway? Probably, yeah. And sooner than later.

//And now I'm standing in the rain

And your hair, it's falling in your face

And I know we're doing the right thing//

Not the rain, but shower, kinda works too, right? And I already knew that the rain would be a pretty important factor a little bit further into the story.

//But I can't help wondering, who will take my place?//

Ouch.

//On and off, difficult

Too in love to let it go

Now, who's gonna hold me like you do?//

The emotions in this bit, dear lord. It’s this high that takes your breath away, sweeps you off your feet, scorches the reality, and leaves no survivors.

That being said, I don’t think they are really in love at this point. They really care for each other, though, that’s where the softness comes from.

//Hmm who's gonna hold you like I do?//

I literally gasped when I heard that last line. Hits right in the heart, just as I like it.

Rhys Lewis - Waking up without you

There’s something in this song that makes it incredibly sexy. It was great for the morning after vibe, where they don’t really have enough of each other yet.

//Skin on skin

We didn't finish what we started

Heart to heart

I'm missing your love//

Keir - Probably

The way it flows? How powerful the chorus is? It’s heavy, hot, and just makes my heart beat faster.

//Colliding were the walls

And I forget where I began

I wish I could remember love//

Holy fuck. It always makes me think of something awakening deep inside R, definitely not ready to be acknowledged at that moment in the story.

//Probably underneath

There's a remedy

Possibly in the air

In the oxygen I breathe

Probably//

And this part is just mind-blowing. There’s this longing there, and if that feeling isn’t perfect for something more steamy, then I don’t know what is.

Dermot Kennedy - Glory

This one just… expands my heart? I don’t know how else to explain it. Especially the chorus. And then when I think of it in the context of the story, I somehow place it in TP’s office, when Neil gets all protective and doesn’t want to risk taking Reader on a mission where something can so easily go wrong, only because he isn’t prepared enough.

//A set of eyes had pinned him

Became his version of a kingdom

She's everything the devil can't be

When she's singing to me "Glory"//

Maybe that’s when he starts to realize that he cares more than he thought.

Rhys Lewis - Living in The City

If the previous song was Neil’s perspective, we’re back to R. Just look at the lyrics:

//I've been living in the city too long

I've been given everything that I've got

Been a sinner and a saint

Crazy, and sane

I've been living in the city too long//

We’re kinda circling back to part 1, that need to skip town, right?

//There's a part of my soul that wants to let go

Wants to just run away

But the rest of my soul says I should stay

I should stay//

And now we’re back when she can say that the mission is not her problem, she did the best she could, and TP can go fuck himself. Is it just that she feels responsible for her student? Or she likes him enough so she has to make sure he succeeds and comes back? Or she sees a friend in need, something to open, and doesn’t think twice about it?

Chapter 4: Bastille - World gone mad

God, do I love this song.

//So this is where we are

It's not where we had wanted to be

If half the world's gone mad

The other half just don't care, you see

You don't want to fuck with us

British to the very last

When it feels like the world's gone mad

And there's nothing you can do about it

No there's nothing you can do about it//

It felt so accurate for the part when R gets to see all that inverted reality? There’s a slight heaviness of heart there, and it matches the mood when she feels overwhelmed. On the other hand, there’s a bit of hope, the feeling of not being alone in this mad world, and that’s all that matters.

Who’s Molly - Touch the sky

Badass. Pure and simple. It hypes you up, brings a smile to your face, makes you believe everything is possible.

//We can never see beyond that horizon.

And no one knows this road and where it's going to lead.

But there's one thing, one thing that's for certain.

We'll make it through.

If you were here with me.//

That softer bit with inverted guns. And later on, throughout the chapter. They both find comfort in each other’s presence on the mission, after all.

//I wasted so much time trying to find a meaning.

I never looked up, couldn't seem to turn around.

And then you crashed in, and you gave my life a reason.

You pick me up, so high and my feet won't touch the ground, no no no.

Never would have thought I could win this battle.

I was left for dead, every hope in tatters.

We're going to set the world alight tonight.

Cause we can touch the sky!//

That’s the excitement and fun they’re having on the training grounds, not at all stressed about what’s to come.

//Close your eyes, free your soul.

You feel it, don't try it, then you’ll never know.//

Ah, and we’re here at my favourite reference to feeling something, thank you Mr Nolan, sir, so useful.😌

Dermot Kennedy - Young & free

Another one by Dermot Kennedy, and definitely not the last.

//All that she said to me stays with me, never to die

Held me brand new in the silence that went through the pines

Like I said already darling, I don't want you looking back at all the ghosts left behind

Know you'll stay near me so road remains hopeful this time

We were young

We were free, come on now, let it go//

The little whiplash in the mud, where they share a short moment, before they follow with the crackheadery, maybe partly to push back from coming close to something more meaningful. Because it’s there already, kindling, waiting to be spotted and recognized.

James Gillespie - Don’t let me get me

Okay, so - the original song by P!nk was always something that resonated with me, so when Spotify recommended that one, I was like “okay, I’m not sure why but let’s try it.” And then it brought me to that scene in the container.

//I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me

I'm my own worst enemy

It's bad when you annoy yourself

So irritating//

To be honest, I didn’t plan on R to have such a strong case of a mean brain. It was supposed to be a lighter series 🙃. But as you already know, those characters have minds of their own, and it kinda sorta happened. I knew it would be more of a simple panic than full-blown panic attacks that haunted StuckIn!R, topped with pretty loud intrusive thoughts causing her to spiral, especially when she was exhausted.

Ruelle - Oh my my

Listen to that one and tell me you don’t want to go on a sneaky mission, I dare you. I even had it noted as my title song, but then I switched to Bastille.

//I can feel it in my bones, in my bones

Hear it rumble like a drum, like a drum

Like a vapor in the wind, in the wind

You never see us creeping in, creeping in

Oh my my, oh my my

You never stood a chance

...

Ready or not, here we come//

The vibe is just amazing. The low-key hype? Is that a thing? It must be. And those drums! Even quite fitting for a patter of rain, one might argue.

Speaking of rain--

Chapter 5: Dermot Kennedy - After rain

The title alone is perfect for this chapter, but the rest of it - my poor heart. This chapter and the finale have some of the most beautiful and/or heart-wrenching songs I’ve ever heard, and this one is definitely one of them.

//But it's alright because

You cause lanterns to light

And force demons disperse

And if Lucifer may fear the swift drying of tears

Then, for evil, you could not be worse

But I see you now, yeah, I see you

And release me now, kinda like dreams do

And I see you now, was hard to see you

Just don't forget to sing

Remember everything//

So we have Neil storming off from the bathroom because he’s clearly going through something. The immense guilt brewing inside him, overflowing and backfiring, when he can’t cope with seeing her so battered, knowing that she may never fully recover, and just because he hesitated out there. The fear is there, but also other feelings he tries to keep in check now.

I had that image of R asking him to stay, then just breaking down in the darkness. I was aware it would only add to the issues Neil already had, but it would be nothing compared to the fact that she needs him, and he’d be ready to push everything that bothered him away to comfort her.

Humming a lullaby that he promised her in the container. And R recognized it (kind of), because he used parts of it to plead with her to stay with him after the fall, so she could one day hear the whole thing, because she took that rain check and she needed to cash it in, right?

...yeah, I like breaking my own heart, why? (should I write that part one day?)

//If you think just maybe it's her

Then promise me, young man, you're gonna let her know

You won't go lonely, yeah

It'll all be better in the morning

'Cause while you sleep, I'll build a wall//

Aquillo - Six feet over ground

Whenever I hear this song now, my mind goes to that scene in the bathroom.

//Today's the day I found myself alright

When I look ahead, pretend it never came.

I found a way to keep my head above

But the hardest part is to say 'No it's not'

Well I'm okay, and I'm still breathing

I'm still six feet over ground

But you don't need to know now

You don't need to know how I'm doing//

They both hide how they really feel. That they are not okay. They’re both scared, blaming themselves. Reader doesn’t want to worry Neil too much, but she also tries to convince herself that she is fine. And a moment of peace they share shatters as soon as she downplays what happened aloud, and when Neil goes off, she hides behind yet another joke, and then behind a blindfold.

Aquilo - Silhouette

The one for when R tells Neil goodnight and then can’t fall asleep. //Devil's on your shoulder

Strangers in your head

As if you don't remember

As if you can forget

It's only been a moment

It's only been a lifetime

But tonight you're a stranger

Some silhouette //

When he comes to check in on her, and something feels off. She’s lost, yet finds enough strength to ask him to stay.

//Just hold me//

Nathan Ball - Drifting

//I can see in your eyes

When you lie awake at night

You convince yourself you're fine, it's alright

To keep on drifting

With the drugs keeping you high

They catch you falling from the sky

I keep asking myself why

You stand by

And keep on drifting

…

So tell me what you hold inside

Tell the backstreets of your mind

You're still lonely as a child

Teary eyed

Kept on drifting//

Knowing our Reader a bit longer by now, I knew what would happen if she was to be left alone with her thoughts, in pain, and with Neil being weirdly distant.

Have you ever lied in bed, crying silently, trying not to wake up the person next to you but getting absolutely torn apart by the sadness roaring inside you? It’s a different kind of loneliness, not helping in the slightest when you’re biting back sobs. Anyway,--

//So take my hand and hold on

Take my hand don't let go//

That’s something that happened almost organically with these two. Part of their language, hand touches as a sign of support.

I gotta admit, I watched Shadow and Bone already being in the middle of writing the series and seeing how overused the hand-holding flashback was... it there made me slightly cringe every time it came up in the story I was writing later on. On the other hand (hah), it was so them. It had to stay.

Dean Lewis - Need you now - Acoustic

//Cold light wakes me in the morning,

Your side is empty I was calling out to you,

I was calling out to you.//

That’s the next day after R’s breakdown, but check out the next lyrics.

//But I don't need your love,

I just need your

Talking next to me when I wake up, wake up

Talking next to me when I wake up next to you,

When I'm hungover too.

Cause you're the only one who comes when I'm lonely,

You're the only one who comes when I'm lonely for you,

When I'm lonely for you.

All that I need is a sweet escape,

And all that I need is a sweet escape.

...

Cause I don't need your love

But I just need you now

And I don't need your love

I just need you now//

This, y’all, is R, still convinced that it’s not about love, and it’s so perfectly put into words, but the music and the vocals are dripping with longing, making it even more spot-on for the occasion.

RHODES - Breathe

The emotions captured in this… holy shit. They clench my chest and make me struggle for breath. This could have been a song playing in the background when R wakes up from a nap to Neil having a breakdown of his own.

//Mind break in two,

There's a light in the sky, there's a light

And it's all for you

Dawn colors all

Tell me how do you feel?

Tell me how do you need to heal?//

Looking for his hand, only to find a clenched fist. And when she realizes he’s been crying and she hears how broken he is, that’s enough to make her heart shatter, doubly so because he’s agonizing over something she feels responsible for.

//Breathe, release it all

Come on now, I'll keep you warm

Come on!

Breathe, release it all

Come on now, I need your love

Come on now!//

To me, every “come on”, repeated with urgency, is how desperate she is to make him stop spiraling down when she kisses him, and then again, more purposefully, until he gives in and comes back to her.

Circa Waves - Fire that burns - Acoustic

The one for ✨the moment✨.

//Comfort me, oh comfort me

I'm lighting up

To see the day you run for me

You run for me, my love//

Because they both seek comfort in the act, two broken people mending whole in each other’s embrace. Ultimately, finding there something more, whether they are ready to acknowledge it or not.

//But I've been tied up

For days

And I've been thinking of the things that you say

And I've been wound up

Each way

I need to let you know, to let you know today//

Neil already knows how important she is to him. And that’s what he tries to say between the choked-out words, that he thought he’d lost his chance to tell her how much she means to him.

//You call me a liar

You call me so innocent

But you lit the fire

You lit the fire that burns

The fire that burns inside us

I'm not innocent

I lit the fire, the fire, the fire

I lit the fire//

Oh yes, that bit definitely seeped into the chapter.

The XCERTS - Feels like falling in love - alternative version

//Keep yourself safe, keep yourself safe she said

You broke your own heart but there's no need to lose your head

Keep yourself sane, keep yourself sane he said

You gotta give up, give up, give up the dark

To start again//

You can see it, right?

Outlining the whole story, I knew that part 5 would be the part when they fall in love, or realize that they already might be.

//And it feels like falling in, falling in love

Yeah it feels like falling in, falling in, falling in love

Could save me tonight//

The 1975 - Fallingforyou

//According to your heart

My place is not deliberate

Feeling of your arms

I don't want to be your friend, I want to kiss your neck

Don't you see me I

I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you

And don't you need me I

I think I'm falling, I'm falling for you

On this night, and in this light

I think I'm falling (I think I'm falling), I'm falling for you

And maybe you, change your mind//

They’re so vulnerable there. Everything Neil pours into the act sweeps R off her feet and she opens up and to let him feel the extent of how much she cares for him, unaware that it might be shifting into something from the territory she promised herself not to venture into. Because that’s not important then. Nothing else is. Just them. So simple.

Adam French - Weightless

The light and softness in this song remind me of another Weightless I used for the finale of the Smoke series.

That’s the moment after. Softness. Closeness. Bliss.

//I told ya that you were the only weight on my shoulders

You see you're gonna make it alright

How you're gonna make it alright

When you're gonna make it alright, alright, alright

You say your body will

You say your body will

Hold me in the night

...

Only you can make me weightless

...

Closer is all I ever wanted to be

There for ya so you can be confiding in me

There to break the fall

Here for everybody to see

Weightless after all//

Chapter 6: Declan J Donovan - Perfectly imperfect

I had the moment they fall in love. I knew how it was gonna end, the conversation with Mahir and how it goes from there. I thought that we need some calm before the storm that was bound to happen, and what’s better than a little domestic fluff? A time when they can see each other in a different setting, get to know one another even better. Fall even harder.

And my god, this song.

//You live like you're a secret

One that only I could know

'Cause I said

You know what I want and

I know who you are

I know when I hold you and love you

You'll get up and go before you fall apart//

...that last line hits different when you know what’s gonna happen later, right?

//I'll bring you every colour that I find

In your eyes

You wake me up

And it breaks my heart

That you're perfectly imperfect

You're hurting but you're worth it

You don't know why

I would waste my time

But I'm falling and I mean it

I want you like I need it

There's nothing you could try to change my mind

'Cause I'm in love

So call me when you want me and I'll come running

Find me waiting at your door

So tell me if you're lonely and it won't last long

'Cause I'm in love with you (you)//

That light when the song gets to the part about being in love -- there’s so much tenderness there, and it resonated with the story so much. And the perfectly imperfect line, so so good.

Bastille - Survivin’

The way the song swings and the hopeful vibe is just what I needed for this chapter.

//And I'm not gonna lie

Say I've been alright

'Cause it feels like I've been living upside down

What can I say? I'm survivin'

Crawling out these sheets to see another day

What can I say? I'm survivin'

And I'm gonna be fine

I'm gonna be fine

I think I'll be fine//

As much as Reader didn’t want Neil to be there with her for so long, she really enjoys his company, making the boring and still rather painful recovery period easier.

Ella Henderson, Tom Grennan - Let’s go home together - stripped

Ha, this one! The humour when they tease other words always brings a smile to my face. That playfulness just fits our duo’s dynamic so well.

//Maybe you'll like me the way I am//

Crazy concept, right? And with Neil learning to spot the times when she hides behind a joke, and still being there--

//Feels like I know you so well

You could be everything that I've been missing

I'm coming out of my shell

And I never do that

How did you do that?

It's like I've known you my whole life//

That’s exactly how she feels like. She intently doesn’t think about it though, because if she starts overthinking it… we know what happens. She’s allowing herself to be in the moment, however. And happy.

//You seem like someone I could be myself with, no defenses

Maybe you like me the way I am//

That brings me to all Neil’s animated rants, and how much he appreciates that she always listens. He feels accepted, and I don’t know, it melts my heart a little.

//Baby, I'm in love//

🙃

INXS - Need you tonight

I know I used a cover of this song for another playlist, but the vibe was so different, and you just have to bear with me. It’s one of those songs that sparks the ideas and images, and usually, they involve Neil being a tease and having way too much fun. And as I was plotting the chapter, I thought of R missing out on his shenanigans, and how he could make her see what he was doing, and 😳 oh my. I knew the imagination would run wild. (That definitely might have something to do with a certain scene from a certain movie and a conversation I had with M about how Neil would handle it)

//So slide over here and give me a moment

Your moves are so raw, I've got to let you know

I've got to let you know

You're one of my kind

I need you tonight

'Cause I'm not sleepin'

There's somethin' about you, girl

That makes me sweat//

That’s one sexy song, don’t judge me.

Dermot Kennedy - Days like this

Oh, would you look at that, it’s Dermot again! This one is for that scene on the balcony.

That quiet contentment, like everything fell in its place and life is alright.

//When it's not always raining, there'll be days like this

When there's no one complaining, there'll be days like this

When everything falls into place, like the flick of a switch

Oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this

When you don't need to worry, there'll be days like this

When no one's in a hurry, there'll be days like this

When you don't get betrayed by that old Judas kiss

Oh my mama told me, there'll be days like this//

They’re in the moment, comfortable in the relationship that blooms between them. More casual and laid-back throughout the day only to get more soft and intimate in the evenings, when the inner demons’ voices grow louder.

James Bay - Chew on my heart - acoustic

The way the chorus explodes? It makes me beam widely and my heart is about to burst.

//Take your time

I'll be right here

I know no one could ever love me better

Take all night

You're the truth that

Is breaking me and keeping me together

Together

I wanna be in your touch

Sleep is so tough

You're burning up my mind

What would it feel like if you tore me apart?

Come on chew on my heart

...

I'm on fire

I'm a hot mess

I'm thinking things that I might start regretting

So hear me out

I need you now

I'm spiraling

I'm sinking down

Look for me I'm sending up a message

A message//

I think it weirdly fits those times at night when Neil checks the bruises. When their minds wander to that first evening, and they still feel bad about how it ended up, the closeness brings them back to the present and grounds them.

Picture This - Unconditional

This one just makes my heart sing.

//This magic, I don't know what it is but we have it

Even when we're sleepless and damaged

I don't doubt it

We're holding on//

That’s exactly it.

//Baby I wish we could take this feeling

And put it away somewhere safe

'Til we need it

Unconditional

I'm so afraid of losing your love//

They don’t need big words. But they feel it, all right. Whether they are aware of it or not. And they are afraid of losing each other, now that they know how easily that could happen.

//Shivers running down my back with your fingers

The smell of your perfume it lingers

And whispers

What I want you to say

Under your skin, underdressed under covers

We bring out the best in each other

Two lovers finding our way//

The kiss, the touch, the skin on skin contact - some of the most powerful reminders that, for now, they’re safe.

BANNERS - Start a riot

But it’s not always about going all the way, because sometimes you just need to be held. And this song just speaks to me of all that tenderness, all the feelings clenching the heart so much they’re unable to say a word, just want to keep each other as close as they can. Just to make sure they’re really there.

//I will march down an empty street like a ship into the storm

No surrender, no retreat

I will tear down every wall

Just to keep you warm

Just to bring you home

I will burn this city down for a diamond in the dust

I will keep you safe and sound when there's no one left to trust

Will you take my hand?

We can make our stand

If your world falls apart

I'd start a riot

If night falls in your heart

I'd light the fire

In the dark, when you sound the alarm

We'll find each other's arms

For your love, all you are

I'd start a riot//

The lyrics are so beautiful, and there’s so much longing there, and the promise to protect each other, to be there for each other, to face whatever life might throw their way together.

Yeah, it makes me emotional, I absolutely love it. Speaking of emotional--

Chapter 7: Stone Sour - Wicked game - acoustic, live

When Spotify recommended this one to me, I almost skipped it. I’ve heard it a million times in different versions and I thought that there’s nothing to be found there. Oh, was I wrong.

I knew what was going to happen in the chapter - Mahir is about to confront R, surprised by what he sees. And he can clearly recognize that they’re idiots in love, even if they’re trying to lay low in the company. He knows what happened to R, why she’s so cautious and reluctant when it comes to any relationships that are more than simple hookups.

//The world was on fire and no one could save me but you

It's strange what desire will make foolish people do

And I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you

And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you//

Because that’s how it started, right? With desire. One could argue that our duo had solid banter before that, respect and understanding, all those things, sure. But ultimately, that was all that sexual tension, sparked by the playful teasing, that pushed them into each other’s arms in the first place.

//No, I don't want to fall in love

With you, with you

What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way

What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you//

And when Reader finally lets the thought in and it dawns on her that she is, in fact, in love - she goes into full panic. Not because she feels it’s unrequited, god, she’s not stupid, nor blind (too soon?). But she’s mad at herself that she allowed this to happen. She’s afraid that she’ll get hurt, and to avoid that, she has to run away. And that’s gonna hurt Neil as well, and she can’t stand that, hates herself for that, but she’s so scared that she can’t think of any other solution.

Before we get to that, however, there’s a bit more softness to be shared.

Lewis Watson - Little light

//And all this shade is, illuminating

And all those love lines, are taking shape

And all my worries, disintegrating

And I've been waiting, I've been waiting

And all my days were young and wasted

When I was waiting, oh for you

And all the plans that I've been chasing are always fading

But ever since I found you

A little light is breaking through//

Gotta admit, I had this one hidden in the playlists of other chapters, because it captures that feeling when your chest is filled with light and you’re simply happy. It ended up here, because it’s this feeling when R is melting a little inside when she looks at Neil, when she’s in his arms. And how Neil feels, too.

X Ambassadors - Renegades

Funny, I had this song for both times the team appears in the story. There’s this sense of camaraderie to it that I wanted to capture, when you’re with a bunch of people who are like family to you. You can tease them all you want, but at the same time you’d go into battle with them, knowing that you can count on them to have your six.

//Long live the pioneers

Rebels and mutineers

Go forth and have no fear

Come close and lend an ear

…

All hail the underdogs

All hail the new kids

All hail the outlaws

Spielbergs and Kubricks

It's our time to make a move

It's our time to make amends

It's our time to break the rules

Let's begin//

I wanted R to have a taste of that. To let her know that she’s appreciated for helping with the mission. To get to know them all better, and to make amends with TP, of sorts.

I didn’t want to make his motivation clear. He wouldn’t tell her that he knows how the story ends. That he can’t help that, deep down, irrationally, he made her responsible for it. Even if she’s not the one to blame. (And I don’t believe he let’s that happen, in the end, because that’s too much angst, even for me - again, fuck you, Mr Nolan, sir)

Corey Taylor, Dave Grohl, Rick Nielsen, Scott Reeder - From can to can’t

Christ almighty, this one is so raw! The emotional progression in here just blows my mind.

//Under the water

It's cold and it's grey

My torrid autumn

Another season decays

Open up the Hollow

And my walls come down

I tell you it's a problem

Just when no one's around

But then

I know what's wrong

God, you complicated everything

I know you're gone, gone, gone

This is where I will draw my line

I will draw my line//

To me, it’s the scene with R having a breakdown in the bathroom, and then somehow finding the solution. She has a plan, and enough strength and determination to pull through, at least for a moment.

Chapter 8: Dan Owen - Hideaway

I found this song by accident, and I almost screamed at how perfect it is for the finale (and then screamed for the second time when my dearest friend @connie-nikas casually sent me this exact song one day saying that it sounds like something I’d enjoy). The intensity just tears your heart out and makes you struggle to draw a breath, there’s something desperate to it, and I knew that it would be my go-to song for the part where R sleeps with Neil, trying one last time to drown all the pain and sorrow in his closeness.

I could just paste all the lyrics, to be honest, because that’s exactly what’s happening in the scene.

//It's a long way down

I keep backing away from the edge

And it's a slow burnout

Like the fires that rage in my head

And it's a slow cry out

When you've got so many tears you could die

And it's a long time to wait

When you take all my tears away//

Oh, she’s on the verge of tears, all right. Knowing quite well that as soon as Neil picks on them, he’s gonna stop to make sure she’s okay. That once he starts asking questions, she’s gonna fall into pieces, unable to lie to him.

//My body is colder

Time is frozen

All these feelings have poisoned my soul

And in silence no I can't stand it

Please break these chains and hell I can

Hideaway//

She’s scared that if she’s left alone with her thoughts, they will break her and make her stay. What she fears most (besides that she’s gonna end up betrayed, alone and heartbroken) is how Neil’s gonna react to her actions. The last thing she wants is to hurt him. She just hopes that maybe if she leaves now, it’s not gonna be as painful as it would be if she stayed a bit longer. That maybe he’s not fallen in too deep.

//You're my one way out

And my tears won't save me now

Save me now

I can't stand it

All this loneliness I feel

I can't do this alone

I need someone to remind my feelings

That I've fallen down by the door

It's a long way down and my tears won't save me now

It's a long way down

I keep backing away from the edge

And it's a slow burnout

Like the fires that rage in my head//

Macy Gray - I try

One of the first songs that came to my mind when I was composing the playlist for the series. It may be a tad too upbeat for my liking, hah, but parts of the lyrics are spot on, and it had to be there.

//I try to say goodbye and I choke (Yeah)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near

Goodbye and I choke (Yeah!)

I try to walk away and I stumble

Though I try to hide it, it's clear

My world crumbles when you are not near//

It makes me think of the time when they’re in the car. She’s going over the plan, kinda skipping the moment she’d have to say goodbye to Neil. That’s the unbearable part. And when he asks an innocent question and touches her, she crumbles and jokes. Partly to distract him from prodding further, but mostly to distract herself. I didn’t plan on them getting all worked up there, it...happened, but I figured it made for a decent ground for what was about to go down in the hotel room.

Belle Mt. - Hollow - acoustic

//She told me she was hollow

That's far from what I see//

That feeling you get when everything is too much and it leaves you hollow because you can’t take it anymore. A safety mechanism of sorts. It kicks in with Reader, and of course, Neil can sense that something is off. He hopes it’s just her being tired, he knows how she feels after spending too much time with people.

//I told her she was special

She almost let me in

But she couldn't bear the thought of digging up the heart that she's been burying//

We already know it. The thing is - Neil doesn’t. They haven’t really talked about it. Well, they did after the first night, but with all the things that happened later… and with how much affection she shows him? He doesn’t have a reason to suspect something this big.

//Lonely is her favourite

If only I could change it

If I could only save her

But sometimes she's lost, sometimes she's broken

Sometimes she's closed, sometimes she's open

Sometimes she's stone-cold, times she's on fire

Mostly she's everything I desire

Lonely is her favourite place to be//

Galleaux - Tether me

I had it on repeat when I was writing that part when R collapses in Neil’s arms when they’re in bed. Did I mention that I didn’t want Reader to be this emotional in the first part of the chapter? I thought she’d be more distant. Numb, even, here and there slipping up but holding it together until the very end. And then she does that. But it was Neil’s reaction that left me all 🥺. Not only me, apparently, because she let out so much there. I think my heart broke a little when she gave me that make love to me/love me/ never let me go part.

//In this space, do I belong?

It's dark out here in my own thoughts

Pull me back, out of my body

I'm tied to my limbs

They're spinning me out of control

Tether me//

And the way the music builds up only to blow up at 3:11, heavens, and those vocals! It just takes my breath away, fits so well there.

Nothing But Thieves - Lover, please stay

There can’t be a series playlist without Nothing But Thieves! And it’s another song Chels sent me. The way it broke me-- bloody hell. It’s that gentle guitar, it’s the raw emotions in the vocals, and those lyrics! It rips my heart out, in the best way possible.

It’s for that part where Neil falls asleep and R breaks down, fully realizing what she is about to do.

//Lover, I know you're weary

Eyes are tired from the night

Lover, come to the kitchen floor

Tiles are cold, so am I//

You bet your ass she’s having flashbacks to those moments on the cold tiles, but in her bathroom.

//Lover, I feel your sorrow pouring out of your skin

And I don't wanna be alone

If I am tonight, I'll always be//

Lonely might be her favourite place to be, but losing Neil by her own decision hurts more than she thought possible.

//So take from me what you want, what you need

Take from me whatever you want, whatever you need

But lover, please stay with me, oh//

You know what’s the worst, though? As if that scene was not heartbreaking enough, my brain decided to remind me how much it parallels part 7 from Stuck in reverse. Yep. ✨Pain.✨

Foo Fighters - Home

When she walks to her apartment. Crying. Broken. Missing him already.

//Wish I were with you

But I couldn't stay

Every direction

Leads me away

Pray for tomorrow

But for today

All I want is to be home//

About to leave for good.

This is the bit that prompted the final conversation. What even is home to her? Living the way she does, it never was something important. I struggled with that idea, I thought it’s too sweet. But Neil, the stubborn ass that he is, didn’t want to give me anything else, so it stayed - and in the end, I’m happy that it did.

BANKS - Someone new

Okay, this one is perfect with its sadness and longing, but it’s a hit and miss when it comes to lyrics. Take a look -

//I can love you desperately

Though your love ain't guaranteed

Oh, I wish you knew the deal

Gotta learn from far away

And I simply needed space

Space for me to be

And I think you need it too

Though I know you call me selfish for assuming

I did this for you too//

This, this, all of this! You see it, right?

//Everything I do, I'm gonna think of you

Don't know what else to do//

Well, one could argue that they could just talk it through without all the drama, but hey, where’s the fun in that? And running away really seems like the best option to R.

//And please don't fall in love with someone new

I promise one day I'll come back for you//

And here it’s off because I don’t think she plans on going back. So she wouldn’t want him to not fall in love with someone else, because why would she? He deserves to be happy.

//Oh, you say you hate me now and you burn me with your words

Calling me a fool

Saying that I've fucked up everything

And you'll never forgive me//

See, I have a few options for what to do when Neil finds her at the riverside. I knew one thing though - it would never be a full-blown argument and accusations. At first (and when I say first I mean before I actually started writing chapter 1, because I already had the last scene plotted out by then), I thought Neil would be calm, with a kind of “I know you love me too, silly, so what on earth are you doing?” vibe to him, to R’s annoyance. Then, the story became heavier, and I knew Neil would be worried. Lost. Confused. But never to the point of losing his temper, not after that one time in the bathroom. And that’s what happens in that scene. He doesn’t know what to do as he tries to make some sense out of it all.

Agnes Obel - Riverside

//Oh my God I see how everything is torn in the river deep

And I don't know why I go the way

Down by the riverside//

As I mentioned, I knew what I wanted for the final confrontation from the start. That’s why I tried to make that river quite important for both of them, weaving it into the story here and there. That’s why they instinctively go there.

Billy Raffoul - Dark four door

There’s this sad acceptance in this song that just breaks my heart. It makes me think about the moment when Neil wakes up and sees that she’s gone. How he doesn’t know what’s going on, and how his mind slowly connects all the things that felt strange, but he’s unwilling to accept it until he checks Reader’s place. And much it costs him to keep it together when he sees that the bag is gone.

//You got up, you felt you should

I keep trying to myself I would've done the same had I could

I never thought that you would//

Chris Cornell - Before we disappear

Whenever I hear this song, I think of Neil standing there with Reader, hurt, trying to understand what went wrong.

//So how hard can it be to share your life with me?

How hard can it be to rise with me each morning?//

Dermot Kennedy - A closeness

The last one by Dermot. If that isn’t their conversation--

//Keeping her bright eyes focused on the coastline, waiting for you

Isn't she all of us pining for that last kiss

A permanent truth, a means to get through//

Why does she stay up for so long in their spot? Does she subconsciously count on him to show up? Unable to let go, once and for all?

//Deep into the night, eyes closing

Heart swollen with my loving for you

A solid embrace, kind face

And then the hurt starts leaving the room, followed by goons

Sometimes it's open wide and lights the road at night

You've got a heart like the moon

Gather courage, if you're doing something, do it

'Cause she got to go soon//

And when Neil sees her, he wants nothing more than to hug her, he’s so relieved. But then she snaps at him, and he can’t believe that she’d actually think that he planted a bug on her to track her. It’s another wound he didn’t expect, but he waits for her to explain her actions before he lets out how much it all affected him.

Ryan McMullan - Outcry

I was close to making this one a title song for the chapter because as Hideaway sounds like it was written for the time they make love, this one is for the time Neil asks why she left.

//You came a long way to see me

So don't you run off, baby stop pretending that you're fine

What's the point that you're making

Tell me what it is that's going 'round inside your mind

If in doubt, don't fake it

I have known you long enough to know that you can't lie

If you're in love don't be ashamed of it

'Cause even angels fall for demons//

God, of course he saw that she wasn’t alright that night, but she seemed so sure about what she needed that moment that he decided not to push her - they had all the time in the world, he could ask her about it in the morning, right?

And Neil knows when she’s hiding behind jokes. That’s why he doesn’t want to play her game when she deflects what he says about the way she was in bed. He wants her to be honest. Especially since he knows what he saw in her eyes, in her actions, when they were together, and he’s sure it all must have meant something to her.

//I've heard stories, but they're jaded

So give me something more

I only know what I've been told

But I can tell that you're frustrated

And I won't ever pry, I'll only be a hand to hold

If you tell me you're hurting

I'm hurting too, yeah

Don't tell me you're fine - unless you're fine

I'll wait for the outcry

Whenever there is something weighing on your mind//

And Neil knows he can’t pressure her, that’s why he just stands with her and waits. Sweeping his mind over and over again for anything that could have prompted this whole mess.

//If you feel like leaving

Then maybe it's for the best

Or if you feel like you've given in

Oh, give yourself a chance

If you feel like crying

Oh please don't hold it in

If you feel like reaching out oh

Let me in//

His heart is aching when he hears her reason why she feels like she has to leave. That’s when he touches her. To pull her back from her head to something real. To remind her that nothing has changed. That he’s there, and not going to let her go that easily. That he loves her, because he needs her to hear it, so she knows for sure. And when she tears up, there’s only one desperate plea in his mind.

Gavin James - Hard to do

One heavy hitter after another, and this is another killer. The longing in Gavin’s voice clenches your chest and you just want to hide in somebody’s arms.

//Oh, I've been thinking that I don't wanna leave

This house isn't home to me

I'm tired of losing everyone I see

Now that you're here, it's a hard thing to do

Trying to hold on//

Does she really want to leave? She feels she has to, but god, if only she knew for sure her heart is safe, she would stay with him forever. The problem with life is - you can never be so sure. And when Neil shows up… it takes everything, even unreasonable anger, to keep her together.

//Maybe I don't believe that I don't wanna run

But two hearts are better than one

You say you'll stick around but I'll be gone

Oh, I'll be gone

It's a hard thing to do, trying to hold on//

Reader knows that it’s gonna be nearly impossible to walk away now. And she’s afraid.

//Oh, but I need you

Far more than I ever want you

It's such an unnatural thing we do

When falling in love's just so hard to do

Hard to do//

She can’t bring herself to look at him after she tells him what’s going on with her. But when Neil touches her and takes her hand, she can’t keep it inside anymore. Then he tells her that he loves her, and everything floods her at once. Fear. Guilt. Love. All that combined with his simple plea is enough to finally make her give in.

Damien Rice - I don’t want to change you

I had it on repeat since the moment Neil touched her. The softness of what happens there, melting the barriers once and for all.

//Wherever you are

You know that I adore you

No matter how far

Well, I can go before you

And if ever you need someone

Well, not that you need helping

But if ever you want someone

Know that I am willing//

He’s there for her. Always has been, always will be.

//Oh, and I don't want to change you

I don't want to change you

I don't want to change your mind//

Here. I think that’s what is really important about them and their relationship.

//I've never been with anyone

In the way I've been with you

But if love is not for fun

Then it's doomed

'Cause water races

Water races down the waterfalls//

Lucy Spraggan - Run

Ha, this kinda feels like an end-credits song, don’t you think?

//I just to run to the end of the world

Just to see if it's possible

I don't care what I've been told

I want to run to the end of the world

I'm going to run,run,run

Bye bye problems

Run 'til the road hits the sea

You better run,run,run

If you want to be free//

Granted, she didn’t run off without Neil, but found a way to run with him instead. There’s that heart-bursting light and freedom in this song, I think it captures that happiness they found, working it all out in the end.

//I wanna feel invincible

One more mile out of principle

I want to see the whole damn world

One cross road can change it all//

Travelling the world. Doing what they like most. Together.

------

Quite a journey that was.

Thank you all for taking it with me.

[bit-of-a-fuqboi]

Title: Running the bases

Steve was both shocked and annoyed when it was announced Billy had quit the basketball team to join the baseball team. Steve admits, reluctantly, that his annoyance has as much to do with not being able to creep on him anymore, as it has to do with the fact that their best chance of a championship is with him on their team. His shock was simply because, well, Billy had the kind of skills that made other guys envious. He was an amazing player. The kind to win championships. Real scholarship material. It just confused Steve to no end why he would throw that away.

It turned out he didn't. Word got around quickly that Billy's skill on the field was as good, if not better, as it was on the court. And Steve, well, Steve felt his annoyance only grow. Is there anything he can't do! Steve found himself silently fuming as he angrily chewed on his sandwich. 

The sudden sound of laughter, and many stomping feet, interrupted his brooding. He looks up and sees Billy for the first time since he quit—and he’s completely geared up from head to toe in the school's green and white baseball uniform.

The uniform clings to every single contour of muscle you can imagine. He struts through the quad like he owns it, and with each step Steve is hypnotized by the bulge of his biceps through the fabric and the pop of both of his pecs in his shirt. A shirt that is tucked into the tightest, sexiest pair of baseball knickers complete with green belt and green piping down the sides. His socks hug two thick, muscular calves, and he’s got on the green and white cleats. He even has on his green cap, and the dabbed eye black across the tops of his cheeks is smeared from practice. Whoa.

"You might want to pick your jaw up from the floor Harrington, you look like your about to start drooling"

Shaken from his stupor he turns to see a girl he doesn't know smirking at him, she looks familiar though… maybe we have a class together?

"No It's not! I'm not… It's not… I mean … I don't know what you mean" Yeah that's not suspicious. Great save Harrington.

"Whatever dingus" She says with a snort and walks off. Steve is sure he hears her mutter "I don't know what they see in you" as she walks away.

With a feeling, almost like panic, creeping in, Steve has a very sudden urge to escape the area before anyone else notices his weirdness. Throwing his half eaten sandwich in the bin he makes a beeline for the school.

He makes it halfway down the first corridor before he is suddenly shoved into a storage closet.

"What the actual fuck!" Steve likes to think he yelled, but suspects he screamed. High pitched and embarrassing. Fuck! Could this day get any worse.

The light switches on, and he's temporarily blinded by the brightness but as soon as his eyes adjust he's greeted by grinning Billy Hargrove. Yep, it just got worse.

"Miss me Harrington" he asks.

"Like the clap" Steve answers automatically, regretting it immediately. Steve was certain that he just escalated the situation to a fist fight, a fist fight in a small enclosed space where he is not likely to come out on top, but instead Billy just laughs. 

"I saw you checking out the new uniform." At the reminder Steve can't stop his eyes from trailing up Billy's body, but when he reaches his face he is met with an intense glare. Billy's arms are crossed and he looks about nine feet tall from Steve's corner of the closet. All those muscles... His shoulders are so broad they actually block the exit. There is no escape. Fuck! He's going to kill me, either literally or from sexual frustration, both are very real options at this point.

"So what do ya think pretty boy? Think I'll be able to slide home with how wet I'll be making the chicks at this school?" He smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes. No, instead he has that same invasive, hypnotizing look. The one that seems to see right through him.

To his horror Steve realises he's not scared in the least by how Billy’s looking at him. Instead, it's worse, he's turned on. Turned on by the strange intensity in Billy's eyes, by the bulges his biceps make when his arms are folded in that tight uniform, and that he could break him in half with little effort. 

"So gross dude" Steve answers, all the while silently panicking as he feels pre-cum beginning to leak and soak through his fast tightening underwear.

Billy's eyes draw down Steve's body appraisingly. He licks his lips—naturally reminding Steve that they are very much still there, and very much still plush and kissable as ever—and says "So, you ever feel up a baseball player?"

Steve freezes. He’s no longer blinking. His mouth can’t close. Steve waits for Billy to laugh it off, or maybe mock him some more but instead he takes a step closer.

Slowly, Billy brings a finger to the collar of Steve's shirt and hooks it inside. "C’mon, Harrington." Then he gives it a tug, the top button coming undone with surprising ease. "Tell me you aren't curious to know what's been driving these bitches crazy. It’s the stuff of legends, man." Steve's heart hammers away. His knees quake. "Half the writing on the bathroom walls is about what I’m packing.” Billy pops another button."Go ahead,” he coaxes, his voice silky smooth and languid, “Touch me.”

Time seemed to slow down and the world around them became blurred and unfocused. All that existed in that moment was them.They stared at each other in silence; the only sound in the closet was their ragged breathing. 

Steve made the decision, refusing to overthink, and reached out and ran his hands across Billy’s flat, muscular stomach. He was fascinated by the warm radiating through Billy's uniform. His fingers traced the hard muscles before moving to Billy’s hips. He took a moment to rub his palms over the belt, before slowly moving his hands around to the dimples of his ass in those tight pants.

It’s not lost on Steve that Billy's crotch is bulging dramatically. Holy shit; he’s getting off on this weird as fuck scenario too.

“Like how my ass feels Harrington?” he asks. 

“Yes” Steve chokes out.

“Unbuckle me.” 

Steve's didn't have to be told twice. His fingers fumble with the belt, hands shaking with excitement. Next comes the button of his pants and then the zipper, which slowly parts the dirt covered white sea of fabric to reveal his thick, hard cock enclosed in a white jock. Steve groaned at the sight. Why the fuck is he not wearing briefs? Steve looks up and Billy just cocks an eyebrow and smirks. Steve could feel his racing heartbeat pulsing in his ears. Why am I even questioning this?

Steve wraps his hand around Billy and starts to palm him through the flimsy underwear. Billy takes a shaky breath, but doesn’t do anything else. Challenge accepted motherfucker! Steve tightens his grip and picks up his pace.  

At first Billy just smiles smugly, then his breathing begins to get heavier. After a minute he’s practically panting. Steve smirks “Out of breath already Hargrove? How are you going to make it around all the bases with stamina like this?”   

Without warning Billy grasps Steve's shirt, pulls his face to his and fucking devours his mouth. Steve felt like he was just a piece of meat, a toy for Billy's own personal use. That really shouldn’t be hot. Steve realises he's now practically clawing Billy's back as Billy's reaches around to cup his ass. They’re both moaning into each other's mouth as their hips press firmly together. 

The sound of the bell ringing brings reality crashing down on Steve. It’s the middle of the day and they are on school grounds. Anyone could catch them. 

Steve breaks away from Billy and says “C’mon we need to head to class. Lunch is over. I can’t be late to biology, Mr Greene will have my ass.”

“But I want to have that ass.” Billy says as he squeezes Steve's ass cheeks. 

Steve wavers for a moment, but then Billy says "It's not like you were going to contribute, or even pay attention"

What the fuck! Steve pulls completely away and scowls. "Fuck you Hargrove"

Billy lifts an eyebrow. “Did I strike a nerve? It's not like you're known for your scholastic aptitude. I was just saying there's a better use of your time”

Steve ignores him, and buttons up his shirt.

"I really didn't mean anything by it." Billy says.

Steve just glares and shoves his way towards the door. Annoyingly the shoulder charge hurt him more than the wall of muscle previously blocking the exit.

"C'mon Harrington we didn't even get to third base" Billy jokes. 

Steve rolls his eyes, unimpressed with Billy's lame attempt to lighten the mood. Of course Billy refuses to give up. “You have a great grip, by the way.” 

"Wasn’t much to grip,” Steve shoots back. Billy grins. 

“Maybe you need another grip to remind yourself, pretty boy. I doubt you can wrap your whole hand around it.”

Steve stops with the door half open and turns to Billy. "You know, for a moment there, I almost forgot you were an asshole."

"Steve—"

"I don't want to hear it. This will never happen again" Steve says, then turns to leave. As he walks away however all he could think was "I really want it to happen again"

As he rounded the corner, Billy yells "This ain't finished Harrington.", and Steve shivers as his pulse spikes from excitement. Maybe I really am an idiot because there was no doubt it wasn't.

This was only meant to be a short thing but it got a little out of control lol The fic was inspired by someone post about a baseball au headcannon. I cannot for the life of me locate the post, if you know it please tell me and I will link.

[raleigh-ocean]

if i go, i'm goin' (your love will take me there) | nora montgomery x dara ann lynch x billie dean howard

summary: not even in a hundred years, a love like Dara’s was ever seen, but those lucky enough to be the receiving end of it knew how much pureness and sincerity it held. Some of those wished, however, to have been the only end to receive that love but still they found their true home right in between her arms. And maybe in another time, another life, Dara’s love would have been all Nora’s. However, as Nora felt fuller yet lighter in the living room of her home for the past one hundred years…she found herself wishing for Billie to keep taking care of their greatest love.

words: 14,759

n/a: this is going to hurt so fucking bad, I’m already crying. The story is divided in two almost individual parts connected in the middle. It will tell the extents of Dara and Billie’s love in the beginning…and then switch to the love that was meant to be.This doesn’t mean I won’t keep writing for Nora and Dara or including Nora in other stories, but those would probably be pre-2020/2021 most of the time! I hope y'all enjoy this one, because I did a lot of research and…well, NoraDara owns my heart fully for the rest of my life.

n/a 2.0: Also, analyzing how Billie and Dara’s relationships are, we (Vivi and I) found that there were similarities between BillieAudrey and NoraDara as separate units, and since I did explore the former first a few times already, it’s time for the latter to come alive (pun intended).

n/a 3.0: I’ll be taking a break from writing for a while, so this is the last long thing I’ll be posting. I hope y’all enjoy it.

[23:35] How-t Stuff: I miss you :(

[23:38] How-t Stuff: Annie, I see you in your phone from the living :(( 

Dara only chuckled silently at that, amused because she could actually see Billie in the couch typing in her phone. It was one of the perks of living in a tiny apartment, even if they were separated, they could see each other from the other room just by open a door. Damien was already asleep, hugging her from behind, so she couldn’t do much sound in case she woke up.

It was easy to type a ‘hang in there honey’ and close her eyes, feeling how her headache was getting better after being able to down some food and having some painkillers along with muscle relaxant for her leg. The only thing she didn’t like, however, was feeling herself uneasy because medicines usually messed up with her body and her perception.

[23:46] How-t Stuff: This couch is so uncomfortable...why do we still have it??? 

[23:48] How-t Stuff: Also I found your fancy lighter in between the cushions :)

[23:50] How-t Stuff: also found your purple thong oops

She really wanted to go to sleep, but having Billie trying to be...cute? was really something else. But Dara was already falling asleep, and with only one eye open she texted her back a ‘you’ve been saying the same fr 6y, r u planning on sleepin there much’ and ‘sTOP hIDINg my underwear in places you forGet’ before switching her phone to night mode and hiding it under Billie’s pillow. Of course she was sleeping in Billie’s side and maybe she was wearing one of her pyjamas, she also missed her, but she kinda deserved it.

The memory came back to her, making Dara feel dizzy and she closed harder her eyes, trying to get it out. She wasn’t in the mood of thinking about Audrey or Danielle for that matter, even when both had kinda been the reason Billie was sleeping in the couch and she had her teen niece pressed against her back, sleeping soundly like a baby koala. Don’t get her wrong, she didn’t hate any of them, in fact Dara was pretty sure she didn’t hate anyone ever in her life...not even the poor devil that assaulted her and scarred her as a teen...

[01:50] How-t Stuff: Uhm...love, beige or sky blue?

[02:10] How-t Stuff: nvm, black is prettier

[02:30] How-t Stuff has sent an image.

[02:32] How-t Stuff: we have new couch wohoo!

[03:32] How-t Stuff: i love you my dalfoddil

When Dara opened her eyes, she felt her head all clogged but at least her body didn’t hurt that bad or at all. Damien was now cuddling herself in her side of the bed, heavily asleep, so with care she tried to stand up to go get a glass of water. Her phone forgotten under the pillow, her hands went to retrieve her cane from where it was resting immediately. Oh, she wasn’t so confident today about walking, so even when she had support with one hand she still made her way slowly. 

Rubbing off the sleep from her eyes, Dara looked first to where her wife had slept just to find an empty spot. But soon the toaster going off made her notice Billie, facing the kitchen counter, trying to do something in the stove. She truly looked disheveled, more than usual upon waking up, and a soft pang of guilt rang through Dara's body. 

"Are you making tea?" when Billie turned around, Dara was leaning on her cane and looking shyly at her, which made her change her whole wrecked expression to one much softer.

"And toasts, I remembered your mother gave us blackberry jam not long ago and I thought, hell, why not?" she laughed a bit nervously before leaning in the counter to wait for the water to start to boil in the little old pot that's been around since day one. "Is the kid up?"

Dara shook her head slightly and then went to Billie in automatic, pressing her lips together in a chaste kiss meant to be longer than that, but the older medium complied with a soft grin. She already knew this little start of the day meant the world to her wife so Billie wasn't that worried about the 'couch arrest'. However they couldn't say much more because a sleepy Damien made her way to where her aunts were, getting breakfast done, and they were moved to another rhythm of life.

It was easy for Dara to shift in between being her private persona and the one she usually presented to her family, and Billie noticed that right away. When they were at home, the two of them alone, her shoulders relaxed more and the everlasting smile dropped for a slight smirk that accompanied her tired eyes. It was a homie view, yet it made Billie’s heart roar with an overprotectiveness that was familiar at this point of her life. Mostly because yesterday was the first time in a while that she realized how tired her wife was, mostly because if there was something she hated with her dear life was to watch Dara like that and notice too late to fix it.

Breakfast moved in another light for sure, Billie still getting used to the presence of Dara’s nieces and nephews. Damien, as much as she had her doubts about her and resented her for the time being, was very polite and it showed how Danielle’s antics had rubbed off in her daughter. Billie still didn’t know the whole story with Dara’s twin cousins, but maybe it was time to start digging in what was unknown waters for so long.

But then, Dara did something that surprised Billie a lot to be honest.

“Not even when Eva pulled almost the same crap to Deirdre’s new husband I let it slip, so missy,” Dara started to say, holding the cup of tea to her lips to take a sip without caring it was still pretty much hot. “Why did you do that? Were you out of your damn mind?”

“I only...I don’t know auntie,” Damien’s voice was really tiny again and Billie put down her toast, her appetite dropping. “At first it was...fun, I guess? But then I just got too into it and after dad...well, I guess I didn’t want her to suffer...but I was stupid and hurt mamon and Audrey because of it, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, you truly were and are,” Dara pulled back her hair with a hand, letting out a tired sigh. Billie still was pretty much blind to who the father of this kid was or why he wasn’t around. “Audrey is totally not like your father, I can assure you that being a hundred percent sure, and I get that you want to protect your mother but you should give her some credit dear,” her voice was calm but the way she was tapping with her free hand the counter, after too many years, it told she was in need of a cigarette. “She knows how to protect herself very well, she knows how to protect you very well. Do you think she would have let Audrey come into your lives if she wasn’t sure of it, mhm?”

And at that, not even Billie had the guts to say something, seeing how Dara was still very serious even when her voice was in her always calm tone. She had that ability, to remain calm despite of everything, and after being together for a decade already she could easily pick up that she inherited that capacity from her mother. Dara’s mom was able to handle all of them with a mere look or a few words, even Billie, and that was quite scary. Damien looked down to her cup of tea and she shook her head briefly, making Dara to click her tongue.

“Exactly,” she finished her tea and stood up, taking a moment too long to actually move that made Billie worry, to go get something from one of the cupboards. “Now I hope you learn something from this. Don’t make it harder for your mother, you hear me? If something’s wrong, tell her, and if you don’t want to then call me...or did you replaced me as your favourite aunt? I knew Danna was right around the corner to take my crown.”

It was then when Billie worried more, not because Damien quickly went to deny that and made Dara fake she was affected so she would hug her, but because she caught this strange shadow hovering over her wife. Usually it wasn’t like that, her white light giving some kind of protection even from herself, but as Billie tried to finish her breakfast in silence she took her time to try and discern what Dara was feeling at the moment. 

As they kept moving through the morning, taking in count it was early and Danielle and Audrey didn’t call yet, Billie thought it was always hard to actually feel what her wife was feeling. She was good at reading people, something she was proud of indeed, but Dara presented her as a challenge. 

However, after two hours Billie just gave up for the time being. She would have to wait until they were alone again in the quietness of their home to directly ask, maybe over some take out from that place her wife loved so much. But when Danielle and Audrey finally showed up in their door, both way more relaxed and apparently happier, something came back to Billie’s mind. As they were exchanging some words with the other couple, Billie remembered how Dara had defended Audrey in such effortless way that surprised her and, by the time their home was only them again (plans for lunch already arranged four hours later), she felt it was the right time to ask.

Overnight, alone cuddling one of Dara’s cushions in their old couch, she kept replying the events of the day in a very vivid way. Billie knew she had no right to yell at Dara, even when she was really angry with the situation, but the way she was handling things felt off putting to her for some reason. And that’s why she was surprised when Dara kinda defended Audrey, because at the time in her furious mind she truly thought her wife hated her best friend. Well, hate was a strong word, but more like...like she was putting up with Audrey at this point just because of her.

“Baby?” Billie felt a strange strangled sensation when she called out for Dara, who was making her way back to their bedroom to pick up her phone. “Can I ask you something?” Dara stopped and looked back at her, curiosity peeking out from her eyes, tilting her head in that innocent way she always had to let her know she had her full attention. “Do you...do you like Audrey?”

It was then that the silence hit Billie like a wall made of ice.

She saw how Dara squinted her eyes a bit, trying to discern what her wife was talking about, her mouth a bit agape while the silence settled in between them. But what made Billie take a step back, was how Dara moved her jaw to the left a bit before closing her mouth and biting her lower lip while considering her next words. Billie didn’t want to push, but now she was feeling how the coldness of the room was getting more intense as her wife’s feelings finally reached her. Having her cane tightly gripped in her dominant hand, Dara sighed really deep this time as the shadow floating over her grew.

“Are you serious, Billie?” Billie doubted for a second if she ever heard Dara’s voice sounding like that. “Really, I want to know if you’re pulling my leg or not.”

“Yes, I’m being serious,” oh Billie regretted that as soon as it left her mouth, but a tiny bit of the annoyance of yesterday was starting to show up for some reason. “Sometimes it feels you put up with her just because of me, Ann-”

“Don’t you dare ‘Annie’ at me right now,” Billie saw the shadow closing around Dara and then her eyes locked with hers, shining with the anger she was feeling and making her not notice the panic laced in her voice. “Don’t you fucking dare.”

When those words left her mouth, Dara felt her whole world was crumbling faster than she thought it would. As if the massive earthquake she was holding up finally managed to open the crack that it took Dara five years to close, making all the pent up things start to flood the last bits of calmness she had. She felt breathless right away, and so fucking tired that she had to close her eyes and rub her temple with her free hand.

“I love you for over a million, billion, things Billie, but before you open your mouth to say something so...genuinely stupid, stop for a second and think about it once or twice,” Dara opened her eyes, looking at how taken aback was her wife, but in that moment she didn’t care. “Think about how we’ve been together for the last ten years and think about how I am around people I don’t like,” she felt her heart hammering in her chest and her whole body aching for the outburst. “Do you think I would’ve ever let her come into our lives if I didn’t like her, ah?” the question resonated through the silent living room in a weird uneasy way. “Do you ever think I would’ve let her go down on you or me if I didn’t?” a nervous laugh broke free from her chest at that, the hand that wasn’t in her cane going to put a lock of hair behind her ear. “Do you ever think that, if I didn’t like her, I would had gone yesterday night with you to help her? If I didn’t like her a single damned bit, do you think we would be here in this exact fucking moment having this fucking conversation?”

The room was feeling too hot for Dara at that moment, feeling her heart beating loudly in the back of her head and in her throat, making her feel she was about to burst into tears if she kept talking. Billie was pale, standing there in such weird silence, but any drop of self control she had was damned by now and Dara could see it because the hand that Billie wasn’t using to support herself in the counter was trembling a bit.

“I do get that what she went through was horrible and traumatic, I get that she’s your best friend and you love her a lot...” she truly felt like she was pushing the words out of her tired mind, all the tears she was holding back. “...but I was there for her too, many, many times. Most of them when you were away and she came home looking for you. If I didn’t like her, I would have shushed her the fuck away but I didn’t. So don’t ask me again if I like her, because it’s one of the most unfair things you ever did to me,” and through all the red that Dara was seeing in the moment, she managed to see how Billie was approaching her which only made her tears to push harder. “Do I like her? Of course I do, for God’s sake. I still have a heart inside, luckily, as much as y’all seem to forget,” and when she chuckled darkly, her tears finally started to run down her cheeks, as if they were burning their way down. “So there you have your fucking answer, are you happy?”

Dara felt like something finally broke inside her, gripping with both hands her cane to not fall to the ground when she felt her knees grow weak. And it hurt so bad? it burnt and it made her feel like there’s not enough air in the house for her to breath. She was truly tired at this point of her life, tired of the rest not being able to see she was breaking too under the weight of all the things happening. She didn’t considered herself as someone jealous, she really wasn’t, but many times Dara had felt that Billie chose Audrey over her.

After all what she had done for the actress, all the sleepless nights, all the comfort words, all the tiny little pieces of her that she left for Audrey to take in order to heal; that Billie decided to ask her that as if she wasn’t right by her side doing it...well, it started to hurt more than she could handle. Dara was always so sure of Billie’s love for her, waited for her to finally say that she loved her back, waited for her to finally be comfortable around her...but sometimes, behind all that confidence Dara had, a tiny bit of doubt had started to grow in its own corner. 

A corner that got bigger when Billie stopped dead in her tracks again, not getting to reach her.

Billie didn't stop, however, because she didn't want to reach Dara. In fact, her whole body wanted to be wrapped around the trembling figure of her wife, sobbing in such heartbreaking way, to provide her of all the endless love she had for her...but she couldn't deny that hearing the truth being spitted out of her beautiful lips had left her speechless.

She was used to let her thoughts flow freely, most of the time taking advantage of being able to sense other emotions, to be blunt and also stating them flatly without much trouble. But sometimes, the times where people weren't taken aback due to her usual brassiness, Billie found herself saying things people wasn't expecting to ever deal with or were remotely prepared to do so. In this case, Dara wasn't ready at all to receive that question, and Billie visibly could tell but...well, she decide to push her in that direction anyway and now not only she was speechless but she felt devastated.

Devastated because the person she cared the most in this world was breaking in front of her, showing how small and fragile was in reality. Devastated because she created the situation; devastated because the only thing she did was to finally close the gap separating them to take Dara's hands in her own, making the cane fall to the ground with a muffled sound upon hitting the slim carpet of the living room. Her chest tightened when her wife still didn't move, crying her eyes out in between quiet sobs that resonated through her whole body, and she felt even worse because she wasn't brave enough to look at her directly, focusing in their hands instead.

"I'm sorry," the air in her lungs hurt like Hell itself when Billie managed to say something, Dara squeezing her hands in response. "I'm sorry I asked that, I...I didn't...please love..." please, let me fix this, tell me, help me.

"No, I'm the one being sorry for taking this all out on you," and Billie's heart hurt even more when she caught the defeat showing in Dara's eyes when she looked briefly at her, darkly chuckling again when she raised her arm to dry her tears with her sleeve without breaking the contact, her face scrunching ever so softly to try stop her tears. "I really shouldn't have…"

"No, hey, don't do that," panic overflown all over Billie, her hands now cuping Dara's face to have her closer, thumbs wiping hot tears and palms feeling the heat in her cheeks. She was able to finally look into her eyes, at least when her wife wasn't pressing her eyelids together harder to stop crying. "You have nothing to be sorry about, you were in your right to call my bullshit out."

"It's just...why did you ask me that Billie? I don't understand," Dara sniffed, trying to steady her voice but making her next sob to come out as a strangled whine. "Four years being with Audrey before we married and now you ask me if I like her? Really?"

It's then when Billie pulled her wife close, hiding her head in the hollow of her neck even when her wife was a few inches taller than her and pressing her lips to the crown of her head to hide the giant knot she had herself in her throat. Billie wasn't ready to admit the next answer, but because she wasn't ready it was what she needed to say in order to make things even. Billie's chest felt tight and it hurt so bad right now that she was holding Dara so close? Feeling her trembling and sobbing and grasping to her sweater - Dara's, because Billie stole it six years ago from her old closet at Dara's parents' and to this day it's her go-to comfort clothes when she’s at home - as if she was the only thing she needed to be there in that moment.

"I know… I only asked because…" she couldn't help but gulp in order to continue and her hand went to brush Dara's hair out of her face. "...because if you didn't like her, I'd have try to see her less.'

Billie was scared of what it came out of her mouth, and also because she could only hear her heart hammering against her ribcage along Dara's sobs in her neck. She felt the wetness of her tears in her skin, starting to get a bit sticky because they were drying slowly, but she didn't mind at all, too worried in securing her wife between her arms and starting to caress her arm and cheek with care. Her thumb was trying to both caress her warm skin and wipe the non-stop flow of tears, and Billie thought that’s what was actually helping Dara to start to calm down.

"Even if I did, I couldn't do that to you Bills," the whispered statement, Dara's lips so close to her pulse point that she felt how they moved and brushed ever so soft there, made Billie feel like all the fear she was holding in her chest disappeared. "I know how much you love her, how important is for you...and you know that I'm not a heartless bitch."

Even when is a joke that she usually resorts to, Billie still didn't like when Dara called herself those kind of things.

"But if you wanted me to, I would have done it," Billie felt her chest less tight for sure but she needed to get this out of her already because Dara deserved to hear it. "I would do anything for you because you are the most important person in my life, Annie, and that's a rock fact."

The tiny joke at the end made Dara chuckle cutely - and God that it felt good hearing her do that even with the runny nose and the cough that followed -, only because it was a recurring pun she used and Billie did it out of habit at times too, before she finally used her arms to wrap Billie in them by her waist and press it against her body, getting comfortable in the hug they pulled each other into. At that, Billie finally noticed how the shadow let go of her wife and it was like everything was getting back to usual little by little. 

It felt even better when Dara finally stopped hiding in her neck, without pulling away from the hug, and shook her head while closing her redden eyes from crying. But for some reason she didn't look that tired anymore, her features growing softer each second that it passed. Billie grew softer too and brought up her sleeve, after pulling it a bit with her fingers, so she could clean better Dara's face with care. When she opened her eyes, Billie knew her girl was getting back to her slowly but surely, and she shook her head even more slow.

"I love you Bills, and I love her, like her too...I won't ever make you leave behind your best friend," there's only love in her eyes, mixed with that warmth that always cling in Billie's bones in such comforting way that the only thing she could do is to fold her hands in the small of Dara's back and start rubbing tiny circles with her thumbs there. "So no more of that, okay…?"

The right thing for Billie to do in that moment was nodding in agreement, before leaning in to capture her wife's lips with hers in one of those slow kisses they both were suckers for. It felt like Heaven brought to Earth only for Billie to enjoy and drown in it. A bit salty maybe because of the spilled tears, but it soon felt sweet. Being so close made Billie to start pepper many more kisses all over Dara's face, always a bit slower as the woman she loved started to relax and melt in her arms.

"I love you Annie," she whispered after placing a kiss in that soft spot Dara had under her ear before moving to kiss her lips once again. "I love you," now it felt so natural to say it, mumbled against a new kiss and taking as a reward another cute giggle from her wife. "Can I take you to bed or I'm still on couch arrest…?"

Oh to hear Dara's little laugh after another kiss was an absolute bliss. Billie could only wrap her arms better and lower, lifting her slightly and gaining a low hiss because of that. For a second her haze broke, worried about it, and her eyes looked out for the discomfort Dara seemed to have, but she was kissed again before manage to do so.

"You totally still are...but let's make an exception," and the soft static Billie felt in her skin when she was with Dara appeared again, making her sweetly go back to loving her wife and start to walk in between kisses and laughs back to their bedroom.

Two hours cuddling, kissing and whispering sweet nothings to each other was what they both needed. Not only because yesterday was a total mess, but because they've been apart three days and a few more this month. There in their quietness, they managed to talk a bit more too about daily stuff they've missed when they were apart.

Billie apologized yet again because she didn’t notice Dara’s old injury was acting up, per example, and offered to help applying some muscle soothing cream. Dara, once she was feeling a bit better and after they decided to take a well deserved shower, took in her hands the task of redoing Billie’s nails and they spent a good chunk playfully fighting over the best color - and in the end, they agreed for some nude color for Billie and Dara fixed hers in black. How Billie took to herself kissing Dara in different ways she knew the woman loved; how Dara started to rant about the last messes at work and both cussed heavily, because they were like that; how the blonde ran her fingers in soft caresses over every tattoo her wife had…

They didn’t leave the bed until it was time to actually meet up for lunch with Audrey and Danielle, purely just enjoying each other and both feeling so much better by the time Billie sat up in bed to watch her wife go through their wardrobe. Sometimes it was nice to let Dara pick their clothes for the day, mostly because it meant a good change for their usual choices. 

Billie ended up getting a flowery high waisted skirt that fell loose to her knees, and her favourite peach blouse that she didn’t know how it survived ten years at this point but she wasn’t going to complain. For Dara was that one amber blouse Billie loved the most in her, the one that brought up her tanned skin, along her favourite dark pants that she knew drove Billie utterly insane and making her chuckle a ‘such a tease, aren’t you’ while Dara was getting her rings and usual jewelry on.

Those times were intimate and Billie cherished them a lot, because she never thought she would get them one day.

Hand in hand, both made their way out of the apartment not long after, and it took Billie the whole ride to get her body used again to Dara’s driving. It wasn’t that she forgot how her wife was, but heck that having others drive her here and there or even drive herself was always a whole different experience.

But there was a tiny satisfaction in watching Dara come out of the car with this glow around her that made her so different from any other person Billie met, when they pulled over at where they were having lunch that she always liked to indulge in. It made her feel important, it made her focus to be all over her wife, yet it made her feel down on Earth when they started to walk towards the terrace.

Billie thought that what she loved the most about Dara was how she was capable, with her whole demeanour and way of caring about her, of making her feel she was living in this reality. They both knew very well that there were times in which fame and her powers got too into Billie’s head, making her feel like she was just a passing soul through life instead of an actual human being. Having Dara as a constant in her life, one that she didn’t want to ever part ways with, helped her the most. And, of course, she wanted to be better than she was to her and show Dara that she had her all for herself, because God, them and both Audrey and Nora knew that Billie many times did things that didn’t demonstrate how important her wife was for her.

But Dara was still there, despite everything.

“Sweet baby Jesus, I can’t believe we are here earlier than them,” Dara’s voice brought Billie down to Earth from her thoughts. “How can two of the most punctual people in the universe not even be five minutes early to a date?”

“Cut them some slack, Dalfoddil,” Billie laughed at the fake afflicted tone in Dara’s voice, sitting by her side to be closer to her. “I bet you thirty it was only traffic, or that they forgot something at home.”

“I bet you thirty and that new game I want that they are late because of sex, Howt Stuff,” Dara mumbled before pressing her lips against Billie’s, which she eagerly took advantage of and snuck an arm behind Dara’s lower back to be even closer. “Are we bringing the bad boys before dessert now?”

“I can’t help it, baby, don’t mind me today...but we have a deal,” Billie looked at her feeling how her chest was about to burst of all the love she had for her. When Dara let herself be cuddled there in the seat, resting her head in Billie’s shoulder, she pressed a new kiss to her forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Billie Dean.”

And upon hearing that coming from Dara’s pretty lips, after the millionth or billionth time, Billie knew today was going to be a good day.

When Audrey finally arrived ten minutes later, Danielle on her phone talking with a client and relieved Damien because her mother didn’t drive walking behind her, Billie had Dara still cuddled in her side as they were exchanging sweet nothings and drinking wine and soda respectively - Dara not being in the mood of drinking today. And when they settled, Audrey couldn’t help but make a little gesture with her eyebrows, silently asking Billie ‘everything okay?’ while the cousins were busy with the waiter. Her only response was a quick wink and seeing how Billie’s left hand was caressing Dara’s back up and down with care, earning her a new peck after Dara’s attention went back to her.

More than okay.

For Audrey, that was enough response. They had known each other for almost five years already, sharing more than just a friendship along the way, so she knew right away that the other couple was having one of those ‘reconciliation’ days. Not that they ever broke up, as far as Audrey knew, but sometimes they behaved like they did and were back together and stronger than ever. Well, stronger than they already were, because she never met a couple like them. They seemed to gravitate around each other in a way she wished to understand and for Audrey, she always saw that being with Dara made Billie the happiest.

Looking at Danielle for a second, when the other two were distracted talking with Damien - or more Dara talking with their niece while Billie simply listened, arm over her shoulders and glass of wine in the other hand -, Audrey discerned that her girlfriend was a bit confused yet her light brown eyes were full of tenderness. Their hands met under the table and, after a light squeeze, she earnt a peck of her own that made her contently smile.

Content smile that disappeared when Dara asked right away why they were late, once Damien had to go to the restroom, and was replaced by Audrey’s face lightening up like a Christmas light because bingo they had a shower quickie that took them a bit longer than intended.

“Oh, come on, you placed a bet and all,” Dara couldn’t help but laugh out loud when Audrey said that, rightfully offended, upon seeing Billie taking out a few bills from her purse to give them to her. “Why do you two always have bets for everything?”

“Because it’s fun and I always win,” Danielle, still with her face red as a tomato, chuckled at how happy and relaxed Dara was. “You also played bets with us, darling, don’t you play innocent now.”

“Yeah but after losing a hundred dollars to you in one go, I decided to quit altogether,” at that Billie laughed, the memory of about what they bet that time coming to her mind, because Audrey was just exasperated. “How do you even do it?”

It was time for Dara to laugh. She never did much, to begin with, it was just her intuition and one of many leaps of faith she was used to take. That was her secret, not expecting the result and just go for it. 

After that and a very scandalized Danielle because ‘why would you even do that’ when Dara answered a happy ‘I’m a lucky bitch, what else can I do?’, having promised to her that one day they would tell her, a day in which everyone was wasted and with no children around; Dara managed to think that everything was finally settling again.

It was a nice feeling, because those times where Billie and her got into a discussion took a too heavy toll on her. She never liked getting into arguments to begin with, but having them with Billie was the worst thing ever because it meant for her that communication had failed. Even in the past, they only had a couple serious arguments in between all the playful bickering and the eventual ‘couch arrest’ because one of them took it a bit too far, nothing really serious taking in count the other went to retrieve the part in arrest after a few hours or the next morning. She loved how afterwards Billie got softer, more loving and willing to show her feelings, and she basically couldn’t say no to her in those times.

She also loved to be able to show it to the rest, not because she wanted to brag about, but because she had been waiting for too long to do it completely freely. 

When Audrey took her hand with care over the table and smiled widely, full knowing how much she was enjoying having Billie like that, Dara’s heart grew three sizes and for a second she forgot about how a question regarding the actress was what was behind of it all. Dara didn’t want to dwell on that anymore, because now everything was in the open to Billie understand her position and for her to understand from where Billie’s doubts were coming from. 

So the next thing she did after the tiny exchange of smiles with Audrey was to actually check her phone after twelve hours without doing it.

“Billie, did you buy a new couch?” Dara had to bite her tongue to not curse like a sailor, because really what the fuck, and Billie looked at her from behind her third glass of wine like ‘oh snap, she finally saw it’.

“You said I’ve been six years complaining about it,” Billie whined back, trying to not look at her wife because Dara was digging holes in her skull just by how she was looking at her. “So yesterday night I just ordered a new one, easy as pie.”

“And didn’t you think about measuring our living room before to see if it actually fits?” Dara tapped at the screenshot to see it better. “God, this is massive, what in th-”

But before she could keep at it, feeling how Billie’s hand was now placed in her thigh and rubbing soft circles there to avoid getting murdered in her sleep, her screen changed to display someone was calling. It took her a second to read the caller id and then all the happiness and all the warmth, dropped to her feet.

“I’ll kick your ass later,” Dara mumbled, taking advantage of Billie not looking at what she was doing with her phone, before standing up to go pick up the call. “Don’t you think I’m gonna forget about it.”

When she was at enough distance to not be heard, Dara pressed the phone to her ear, her heart beating loudly in her throat.

If Constance was calling her directly, and not Billie, it wasn’t a good signal.

“Hi Constance, how are you?” she started before the woman in the other side of the line talked, trying to not sound nervous. It didn’t help either that Dara had some sick respect for her. “Older than last time, kid, that for sure,” she replied darkly but with a tone that gave away she was distracted. “Yeah, right, do you want to talk with Billi-” it was the easiest way to make Constance Langdon talk, bringing up her wife because both had a different and stronger bond. “If I wanted to talk with Billie Dean, I would have called her, don’t you think?” and Dara’s silence invited her to keep talking. “Anyway, I was calling because miss Montgomery’s been acting weird,” Constance didn’t like Nora for the mere fact that she was the actual owner of the house and if she ever had to refer to her, it always came from a polite sarcasm. “She’s been in the front yard, sitting there all alone. Vivien and Violet tried to make her come in, they are still there with her in fact. I’m only calling because I have a bad feeling about this,”  and Dara’s heart dropped even lower than all the good feelings already dropped. “Did she said something at all? Did you actually talked to her?” She had to ask because Nora wasn’t one to go out of the house on her own volition, only coming out on Halloween or the couple times they managed to take her to the backyard. “She asked for you, actually. And it scared the shit outta me that she let me see her in fact.” Oh yeah, Nora wasn’t a big fan of Constance neither, and that was what made everything more worrisome. Dara rubbed her neck, trying to stay calm, before giving an answer. “...I’ll be there in twenty.”

She hanged up without saying anything else, and turned around to go back to the table. Desserts were already there and the adults were laughing while Damien seemed embarrassed for some reason that escaped her knowledge. 

However, Dara’s mind was racing in another line, thinking about how she needed to get to Nora as soon as possible. 

This was when her secret card was played and also why she didn’t ever found herself asking Billie almost the same question she did. Dara never got in her enough courage to ask Billie if she cared, not loved or liked, but truly cared about the ghost anymore. Mostly because she knew the answer: Nora wasn’t actually there, she couldn’t provide of the warmth, she couldn’t change, she couldn’t grow, she couldn’t even leave the place she was confined to. It pained her, it pained her for the last four years, to know that everything had come to an end.

As much as Billie played it dumb, she had noticed how Nora’s wounds had closed already and that made her feel wary. She loved how Nora wasn’t a crying wreck anymore, how her true persona came out more often than not instead of the one generated by the trauma, but those times it made Dara feel how she was lighter in her arms and even one time she felt her fingers pass through her arm as if Nora was a mere smoke curtain.

“Everything okay Annie?” Billie’s voice was as worried as the glint in her eyes, taking in count Dara was spacing out just in front of them looking at her phone.

“It was Constance, there’ve been some problem at the house and wanted me to check into it,” Dara pushed herself to act more relaxed, as if it wasn’t something really important, and Billie frowned to that. “You know her, always getting worried the house is gonna burn down or something.”

“Let’s go then baby,” was Billie immediate response, moving to stand up, but Dara put a hand on her shoulder and leant enough to kiss her cheek briefly.

“Don’t worry sugar, I got it, okay? Just enjoy the rest of the afternoon,” Chuckling, Dara retrieved her bag and called for the waitress, signaling to her dessert. “Can you put me this for take out? Thank you,” her eyes went then to Billie again, smiling softly, and then to Audrey, Danielle and Damien. “You three take care of her while I’m gone, I’ll be chopping heads off if one hair is out of place,” she laughed with her joke and Danielle only rolled her eyes a bit.

“Actually Audrey has to be the one doing that, I have to go get some last minute work done this afternoon,” Dara looked with curiosity to her cousin and she shrugged a bit. “I’m taking Dada with me, so I think these two will be alone.”

It was then when Billie looked at Dara with some kind of uncertainty in her eyes, taking her hand in hers, as if asking if she really got it under control. Dara felt moved for some reason, taking in count almost nine years ago she was the one trying to stop Billie from going into that house all alone. But she only leant over her again, this time kissing her wife fully on the lips while her free hand grabbed her cane, ending the soft affectionate move with a mere brush of noses.

“Take care, okay? I love you,” Billie mumbled, placing her hand in Dara’s thigh for a second. “Call me if it gets too bad, promise it.”

And to that Dara, already swooning too much, kissed her again to seal that promise. 

Audrey got a big goodbye kiss on the cheek, as usual, while Danielle was hugged from behind and Damien got a kiss on top of her hair and, like that, Dara was making her way to her car with a brownie for take out and all the worries about Nora bottled inside.

While driving, Dara tried to come up with a line of act. Would be Nora altered? Would she need to do an intervention? Would she have to get help from the other ghosts in the house? The only ones she manage to...befriend were the Harmon women and, stil, she wasn’t sure if Moira actually liked her taking in count the first time they saw each other...well, Dara didn’t see her in her true form right away. Hayden at times, and it was always weird. And in a very good day, specially good even, Nora’s husband exchanged some words with her.

That was maybe the weirdest part of it all, that Charles had seen her close enough to actually talk to her, because when Billie had tried to contact him - the couple few times for her research - he didn’t make a single sound.

When Dara pulled over, her head was full of all the things that could go wrong with Nora or any of the other ghosts in the house. If she had any energy back during the morning, it all went away in the fifteen minute ride to the house, making her feel as she was feeling all those days Billie was away.

Tiresome, too tiresome.

But when she crossed the fence, she fell in the spell the house always had around. Dara’s eyes went first around the front yard, taking in count every little thing she had done to keep the abandonment at bay. The lawn was a bit wet, the rose bushes as well and then Vivien was squat down in front of Nora, with Violet sitting by her side and taking her hand.

Dara walked slowly towards them, her cane tapping in the stones of the tiny path, feeling heavy with each step but getting confident as she went further and further. Vivien saw her first, then Violet, and both stood up giving Dara a pitiful and desperate look. Once they were gone, it was time for Dara to get near Nora finally, and she could only get her eyes on her back and her whole aura.

For Dara, Nora glowed that day in a different light.

“What’s the prettiest gal around doing here all alone?” she raised her voice, with enough sweetness and tenderness to sweeten up Nora’s mood.

“Waiting for the sun to come to me, sweetie pie,” for Nora, she was always something along ‘sweet’, because she couldn’t see her as anything else. “Did you see the rosebuds? They’re so lovely right now...”

Nora felt how Dara, her sweet Dally, kneeled with a bit of trouble behind her, soon getting the mint scent of her shampoo filling her whole. She could smell a hint of cigarette, Billie Dean’s perfume and the earthy scent that she came to associate with the woman that was hugging her from behind. Leaning back in the embrace, Nora lifted her hand to meet Dara’s left cheek still without looking at her, indulging in how she was resting her chin in her shoulder and pressing a light kiss in her jaw before looking at the bush with her.

“Not as lovely as you,” Nora chuckled at the flattery, knowing Dara didn’t lie when she said that. “Were you feeling better that you decided to come out?”

“Not really, but I felt like getting some watering done, can you believe it? Me, wanting to do such thing,” that drew a low laugh from both, making Dara tighten her hug. Nora went to put her hand over Dara’s, tracing her rings as usual to calm herself...even when she felt calm enough that day. “My mother would had been laughing at me for years if she ever came to know.”

“Then we are lucky she would never do,” Nora closed her eyes, feeling the warmth spreading in her chest. “Why don’t we move inside, darling? I brought with me some chocolate cake and we can make some tea, maybe tell me how was your day? I’m yours all noon.”

All mine. It rolled even more sweet in her tongue for the few seconds Nora took to react. God, she wished that was the whole and only truth in the world. She complied to that, however, whispering barely an ‘of course’ before helping Dara to stand up again. Nora waited then for Dara to retrieve the box with the cake at the porch stairs, feeling all the warmth in her body to gather where her heart was supposed to be, and once she was again by her side she quickly linked their arms to walk side by side inside.

Nora could feel the rest in the house withdraw to their usual accommodations, they always did that when she was wandering around, and she thanked them all inside because that’s everything she wanted right now. 

Chattering idly about banal things, they made their way to the kitchen that looked much better without all the things Vivien had equipped it with when they moved back in two thousand eleven. Both Billie and Dara had spent their good money in remodeling the place, little by little, so it was more like it was used to be than what years and years of different owners made it to be. It made Nora feel better for sure, less confused and out of place, because as much as she made Charles’ life a living Hell when they were alive...she was still very much thankful to him for building the place, and sorry at times for being like that.

That much she could say, at least, because she didn’t ever love him. 

Because ‘love’ was what she felt for the first time when, one night, she decided to come out of the basement, encountering a curious woman in their backyard. Same woman that was now with her back facing her, humming along a song while setting up the kettle over the stove. How curious it was that these days she could recall things like that, but she gladly took it in because it made her feel content. 

She picked at the cake with the plastic spoon, knowing she didn’t need to actually eat, but indulging because Dara had brought it. In her days, things like that weren’t usual at all, so it was kind of a delight to be able to share this even when she couldn’t feel much of it aside of the taste before it went away. 

However, her focus changed when Dara finally set their cups of tea in the counter and sat close to her, letting the kettle close in case they wanted more. Fishing her phone - and this time Nora didn’t make a face! - from her pocket, Dara put it there too before turning all her attention to her. It was easy to notice that for Nora, because her sweetheart always spread her legs a bit, letting enough space in case she wanted to come even closer, and had her left hand resting in the back of Nora’s tall chair.

“Dally, are you okay?” was the first thing she asked, watching how the lovely features of her darling were filled with dread even when her smile was on. She could see the light dark circles under her eyes behind the make-up and how she bit her lip every few minutes. 

“Yeah darling, why wouldn’t I?” she laughed in response, moving her hand to accommodate Nora’s shawl better. 

“You look tired, spent even,” Nora wasn’t the best at being subtle, so she preferred to be direct. “Do I have to call Billie Dean and put her arse into place? I swear if she’s treating yo-”

“Everything is fine Nora, don’t worry,” Dara laced her fingers with Nora’s then, making her feel that calmness that she loved about the woman in front of her. “My leg has been acting up for a few days already and work has been...awful, so I couldn’t rest much. Also how can it be Billie’s fault when she barely got home yesterday? Give her some rest.”

No, I can’t give her some rest. Nora thought squeezing Dara’s hand a bit in hers. Not when she’s in charge of giving you all our love. But she nodded, agreeing to not put in place the other socialité, because if Dara asked her to do something she would do it right away. It visibly calmed her having Nora to agree, though, and it was a view to sore eyes having her smiling in that way her dimples showed up.

"Then tell me, who do I have to terrorize the next time the house let me go out," Nora asked, not wanting to break the contact, while tracing Dara's knuckles with her thumb. "You know I can get quite scary."

"I think at this rate I'll be quitting before Halloween," Dara laughed at that, the stress lacing in her words. "But I don't want to talk about work, I'd prefer to talk about what are we doing this year in your day off, do you want to go to the movies? Or maybe this year you want to go to the beach? We can even go home and relax there, you name it, you have it."

Home. The word tasted sweet in her tongue again, and Nora really wished that apartment to be their home...or well, even the house they were in right now. It didn't matter for her to be honest, because anywhere Dara was, for Nora was already home.

And while they started to talk about it, all the possibilities they had to fulfill in twenty four hours, Nora's mind started to wander in all those things she usually thought when she was alone. 

At times, Nora pictured Dara in the time she was alive. Oh, she would totally be a charmer, one of those flappers that Nora’s mother hated so much and made sure she wasn’t even close to by making her attend parties full of ‘proper’ ladies and gentlemen alike. But she knew that Dara would manage to sneak in, her manners blending perfectly and ‘innocently’ hanging around her, sharing with Nora stories about dancing freely along the music that was played in ballrooms and about a house in the coast where they could do whatever they wanted.

Not only that would made Nora fall in love with the concept of freedom, but also with the concept that maybe her future wasn’t tied to a man nor to a child of her own...nor even tied to the status and the money. At first lying about the nature of their hangs out would be almost the rule, but then eventually moving together because ‘they liked to be around each other too much’, and then the rumors would start of course. But Nora found herself not caring at all, because as long as she was by Dara’s side that's all that mattered to her.

Cake and tea gone, Nora listened to something Dara was telling her with passion, barely asking for permission to lit up the cigarette she had been rolling while talking, before keep with the topic. Of course Dara would smoke back in the twenties too, but Nora imagined her smoking cigarrillos more than the regular or even smoking pipe, the room note hanging wonderfully in her clothes and Nora imagined herself wrapped in one of Dara’s shirts, getting comfort from that solely when she was out of the house.

“I think I’ve never seen you in this dress,” Dara’s fingers brought her back to the present when they fixed the white shawl, giving her a soft caress in her chin. “It suits you, brings your eyes and lips out.”

“You’re terrible,” In that moment, and back in her time, she blushed as fiercely as she allowed herself, her hand going quickly to shush Dara. “I had it since forever, it’s one of my favourites! I wore it before.”

“Okay, okay,” Dara chuckled again, taking a drag and letting the smoke come out of her nose and mouth in a swift move. “Sorry, these days my mind isn’t that sharp...still, you truly look beautiful Nora.”

You had nothing to be sorry for. Nora thought while finally giving in and getting her chair closer to Dara, which only looked at her warmly before leaning to kiss her temple and place her right arm over Nora’s lap, resting her hand in her hip. She missed the days they could kiss openly, mostly because she found herself comfortable being held by her and pampered in love just like that, but she understood that now things had changed. 

Damned you, Billie Dean, seven times damned. Nora couldn’t blame her, indeed, she felt...at peace knowing that her favourite people finally made themselves official. But that couldn’t stop her from being jealous of the medium, jealous because many times she wished to be the one that had gifted her that gold ring with tiny rubies that rested in Dara’s left ring finger, jealous because...well, Billie was alive and could give everything to their pretty flower.

“You aren’t that bad yourself, sweetheart,” she mumbled in response, leaning a bit better and resting her head in Dara’s shoulder, her hand tracing her necklace and fixing her shirt. 

“Miss Montgomery, you’re terrible! Scandalous even, wow,” Dara imitated her and Nora closed her eyes, feeling how her laugh vibrated through her skin like a soft hum that made her chuckle in response. And then a sweet silence settled between them, until Dara broke it again. “What’s going on in that pretty head of yours, mhm?”

Oh, Nora didn’t know how to start to reply to that. 

In fact she didn’t even know why Dara was there to begin with, but she found herself not caring because it was like her own feelings had summoned her that day to the house.

Nora had opened her eyes in the morning as if she had the longest nap ever, those days being like that, like a never ending nap that gave her enough energies to go through one and only day; and she felt somewhat free. The basement was in silence, as it always was after her Thaddeus had passed a few years ago, but something was calling her to go upstairs. She had done that and the first person she crossed ways with had been Hayden, that looked at her half worried half shocked, and then Violet had almost knocked her down while asking if she was feeling alright.

‘More than alright, I think I’m gonna take a walk around the house today.’ she had tell her and it didn’t come from the white lies she always told. Nora had been feeling great the moment she was out of her usual place in the house. It had been like something had set off from her chest and she could breathe again. 

So she had done that with Violet by her side, listening to all the stories Nora had of the house. Stories of the past but also of the present, and it came a moment in which she could only talk about memories she made with the woman that was holding her so tightly in her arms.

“Not much,” Nora decided to reply, closing her eyes again to indulge in the warmth. “Just that I’m glad you are here...I kinda felt like dancing today.”

When the little walk around the house had came to an end, Nora had felt like a spark starting in her belly, the one she always got when she was ready to do something fun and new. That same spark was what had brought her outside, feeling the sun in her like as if it was something she never experienced before. Then her eyes had fixed in the rose bushes - white roses starting to bloom, white roses that were planted because they were Nora’s favourites - and she found herself wondering once again if she ever felt that content with something so simple. 

“Dancing? Well, I can fix that then,” Dara finally moved and Nora almost yelled at her to not go, a sudden panic rising in her chest and her throat, but then she placed her lips to her forehead lightly to not stain her skin with lipstick. “But first I need to go to the bathroom, you wait me here okay? I’ll be back in a flash.”

“Sure, I’ll clean this...mess to entertain myself,” Nora said, letting out an exasperated breathe that made Dara laugh in response, retrieving her cane from where it was resting. “Making a girl wait, her manners’ been rubbing off on you miss Lynch.”

Nora had managed to get some already bloomed and do a simple arrangement to put as decoration somewhere in the house. But the second she had looked at her work, her energies fell to the ground and her legs hadn’t been able to hold her anymore. Alone, but without the need to call out for help, she waited there just feeling her body lighter, in hopes the sun helped her to regain some energies to keep moving. Oh, what her mother would had said if she passed out in the lawn? Her eyes could only keep themselves busy in those roses about to bloom, soft rosebuds she wasn’t sure if she was going to see them at all.

“Nora?” Violet’s voice made her hum just to let the girl know she was being listened, but her fingers were moving along the form of Dara’s cellphone. “Where’s-”

“Bathroom, in the other house,” Nora didn’t look at her, with a mere move of her head in the correct direction. “Could you give me a hand, dear? I need...well, I don’t know how this works aside that you can call, so...I want to speak with Billie Dean.”

“Why don’t you wa-”

“Privately, Violet,” she felt the tears tingling in her eyes, threatening to spill, but Nora held them. “Please.”

It wasn’t until Dara had arrived, all of a sudden, that she actually felt that both Vivien and Violet had been trying to make her go inside. The time in between when she felt her energies fall until Dara was hugging her from behind was blank in her mind, but she found herself yet again not minding at all because her sun was there already to take her home. It was the only thing she needed at this point to keep going...and now that Dara was there, she felt complete...

However, there was still a little something in her, waiting to be untied and set free once for all. Something that had to do with the woman she, along Violet, was trying to reach. The teenager was quick to find Billie’s contact and when the phone started to ring, she wasn’t nervous at all. Her hand went to where she knew the bullet hole was, out of habit, just to find the spot clean of any wound, and she smiled softly when she found her mouth didn’t taste like iron and salt.

“Annie?” oh, how jealous Nora was because she took the softer name to make it hers. “It’s me Billie Dean.” Nora said, moderating her voice because Dara had taught her at least that she didn’t need to yell at all. “Nora...is Annie with you? Is she okay?” Billie was nervous, panicked even, but she was trying to sound composed to not give it away. “Yes, she just went to Constance’s for a second. I wanted to speak with you before she comes back, Violet helped me with...the demonic device.” and at that, Nora shushed Violet with her hand so she could be alone in the kitchen. “One day you’ll call it by its name, ‘s way easier darling,” Nora chuckled at that because God, how different it felt be called sweet names from different people, even if it was the same one. “Of course.” she rubbed her hands together for a second, not knowing how to say those words. “Then...what did you want to talk about?” Billie encouraged her and Nora caught a laugh from behind her voice, not Billie’s at all. “I...thank you, Billie Dean. Thank you, for everything you have done for me.” and with that, the little something was gone and she felt even more light, her head feeling more clear. “Simple as that, just thank you.” and the silence arrived in the other side of the line at the same time the front door unlocked.

Nora’s hand pushed the red button quickly, as Violet had told her to if she wanted to end the call, and then left the phone where it was before she decided to move towards the living room and wait for Dara there.

It wasn’t as simple as that, because that would probably the first time Nora ever thanked Billie. A thank you for not letting anyone else to come into this cursed house by buying it, a thank you for restoring it for her, a thank you for letting her come in their lives…

...a thank you for letting her love Dara in a way she died without knowing it was possible.

“Did the ballroom started without me?” Dara said in a happy-go-lucky tone, hobbling slowly in the living room with her phone in hand. “Which song are we playi-”

“Can you sing today, dear?” it wasn’t an usual request, but Nora wanted to hear Dara’s voice as much as possible. “I love your voice.”

“Of course, anything for you,” when Nora looked at Dara, she looked younger, almost like she looked ten years ago when they met. Her features full of that softness she usually got when she was looking at Billie…but now, her girl got it all for her. “Then I’ll start with my favourite one.”

Once Dara was holding her close to her body, Nora knew that was where she belonged. An arm over Dara’s shoulders, the other one sandwiched in between their bodies, all of that while holding her handkerchief with one of her dearest one’s hands resting over and pushing it to her chest, where her beating heart sounded for them two. Nora found her right place in the hollow of Dara’s neck, where she could feel how the woman was starting to sing only for her.

Oh, it felt beautifully to experience that. 

She chuckled when Dara changed the lyrics to fit a bit better, all of that as they swinged ever so softly, and she could feel more eyes watching them. The energy of the rest occupants was starting to beat too fast for her, in a pace she felt herself not belonging, and she decide to press her lips to Dara’s cleavage - in the start, almost in the middle of her chest - to make herself feel anchored to something. It left a lipstick mark, but who cared in that moment? All Nora could hear at this point was how Dara’s heartbeat felt more easy to follow than anything else.

And because she finally found her own beat, her own pace...that’s why Nora felt brave enough to say those next words.

“I love you Dally,” Dara didn’t stop from moving but she did stop from singing, just so she could meet Nora’s eyes. She felt so full, so light at the same time, so very much at peace. “I love you, and I will always do.”

Easy as it was, Nora stood on her tiptoes to initiate for the first time a kiss. A kiss that was returned as if it was meant to be...as if it wasn’t going to be the last.

When Dara opened her eyes, Nora wasn’t there, but her handkerchief was still pressed in her palm. She looked around for a second, her fingers pressed then to her lips with the lingering warmth Nora left, and the silence started to press all over her body in a way she never felt before.

“Nora, where are you?” she asked out loud, moving to retrieve her cane once again, looking around not only the living room but in the kitchen. “Nora! C’mon darling, you know I don’t like playing hide and seek,” her voice wavered and for a second she tried to reach for Nora’s energy in some way, like Billie once taught her to, but not working at all. “Nora!”

Every second that it passed, Dara calling the name of the ghost, it was a torture. Not only because she didn’t get any response back but also because it started to wake other ghosts in the house. Vivien and Violet appeared when she rounded the stairs, ready to go to the basement alone - a voice really similar to Billie’s screaming at her to not do that -, and made her go upstairs along a confused Tate that was drawn by all the ruckus. Hayden’s voice was heard outside the house, calling for Nora too, but any of them got a response. 

She was starting to panic, panic like she never did before. 

The tension in her whole body was enough to make her grit her teeth, piling up in her chest and starting to burn with the buzz of all the souls trapped in the Montgomery's house. That’s why she didn’t like that part of her powers, that’s why she was so overwhelmed that there was too much activity in one place. It made her feel she was going to explode.

And when she got to the open kitchen again, Tate behind her almost pulling all his hair out, Dara finally saw Charles.

Vivien, Violet, Moira and Hayden were looking at him too, as if they had never seen him before. He looked...clean, out of her scrubs and with a proper suit. Dara knew that suit, it was the same he was wearing in that family picture Billie and her found of the Montgomery’s. Somehow, he also looked more...free, as to speak, his energy felt almost refreshing when his was always one of those that reeked in a different intensity.

Dara felt her heart beating so loud in her ears, however, making her see red again today and feeling a sudden burst of heat in her chest. In a swift movement of her hand, she held her cane more like a bat than a cane, ready to smash his head if that meant to know where Nora was, but before she could take the first step Charles spoke up.

"She's not here," his eyes went then to the rest in the kitchen before landing again in Dara. "It's useless that you keep on calling out for her.."

"What are you saying? Where did she go," it came out of Dara's mouth more like a growl than a question, one that hanged between all of them as if it was an unspoken truth and made Dara to feel multiple chills running down her spine. "I'm not joking Charles! Where the fuck is Nora!?"

"I think you know where she is, dear," this time it was Moira the one that talked, her voice filled with sadness, relief and maybe a bit of jealousy. "We all know."

No, no, no. 

"For a really long time we avoided each other, even before we...ended like this," Charles kept going, walking now to the middle of the empty living room. "Money, the house, our son... everything was something ideal to argue about. It pained me, those times I was lucid, to see us like that," he chuckled lightly and Dara's heart beated harder, painfully even. "To see that I couldn't make her happy in any possible way. It's macabre to say we got what we deserved, mostly because it was my fault what transpired in the last moments of our lives, and as the years passed by...well, let's say a hundred years gives you enough time to think and see as much as I was lost in myself."

Dara didn't want to listen to him, she really didn't. She closed her eyes and tried harder to reach Nora's energy, feeling even more strained by doing so, and then she fell to her knees without strength. A set of hands reached for her, burning like molten metal that she couldn't roll away from. But her eyes, now open again, went to the man that had stopped in his advance.

Tears blinded her, making Charles blurry in short distance along the tiny child that was crawling towards him.

Charles looked around then before leaning to take his son in his arms, smiling tenderly upon seeing his perfect face instead of what he became because of him. Giving him a cuddle in his cheek, perfect round cheek so similar to his wife, he finally looked at the woman that was breaking down in front of him. How she was being held by that young lady, the daughter of the last owners of the house; how she was crying her eyes out, the loss hitting her like icy water; how it made him see that his most wanted wish was finally fulfilled.

Didn’t Charles wanted to make Nora happy since the moment they met? Didn’t he wanted her to know he loved her?

He wasn’t able to do it, but through the last decade he had seen how someone else did. How someone had pulled all the broken pieces that he contributed to smash and put them together again; how someone else heard his Nora, made her feel important, made her grow out of many of the things that remained in her from her youth, loved her as she was instead of wanting to change her, and overall made her happy in the palace he built for her to enjoy to her heart’s content.

And that helped him heal along the way in the shadows, where anyone was noticing him, until the same woman that swiped his wife of her feet reached for him too.

“Above all the wrong I did, above all the chaos that we were,” Charles felt himself smiling truthfully after too many years, feeling how Thaddeus started to fall asleep in his shoulder. “I do have to thank you, miss Lynch, because you made us see what we truly needed.” And it felt so peaceful saying that, the heavy weight remaining in his presence lifting and flying away. “I would suggest, however, to take some vacation from my dearest house...I’m afraid there are still too many evil forces and our darling Nora isn’t here to protect you anymore.”

When Charles walked away, his silhouette and energy gone of the house, the whole place seemed to hiss and creak under Dara’s body.

A new rush of energy filled her, the adrenaline pumping in her veins with such strength that when Violet and Vivien pulled her up she didn’t feel any pain. That wasn’t the only thing she was feeling, because the energy of the house was trying to pick at her all at once. She overheard steps all over the place, not only upstairs, but also downstairs and her sense to flight ringed louder than ever when she saw Tate launching himself against another ghost that was entering the living room in that moment. The house was trying to eat her alive, not only her energy - or what was left of it at this point - but her whole body too.

"You have to go," Vivien said before Violet took Dara's hand to make her run. "Don't worry about us, you have to make it home."

The only thing Dara did was to tighten the grip on Violet's hand as they started to run as much as they could through the back door in the kitchen.

Billie had a bad feeling installed in her stomach the second Nora hanged up the phone. Not only because it was the second time in her life that someone hanged up on her, but because she had this heavy pressure in the back of her head. Pressure that was only making her more and more restless as the minutes passed by.

Audrey was being a sweetheart, like always, being the one carrying the conversation most of the time or suggesting that they should do a marathon on that show they promised to watch together. She had let Billie put her legs on her lap, she had turned a blind eye on how Billie checked her phone every few minutes - when usually she didn’t like to have it near at all, now she had it pressed to her chest as if having the device in her skin would calm her-, she had offered to make tea and sandwiches and...and Billie couldn’t be more thankful to at least have Audrey here.

When Billie spied on Audrey making the afternoon snack, she had wondered where she had learnt to be like that. Even when she was feeling uneasy, Billie’s mind dug up everything she had learnt in those years about her best friend, and she was sure the way she was trying to act more homie wasn’t something she had in her before. Half hidden between the cushions, Billie’s mind also started to wonder and wonder, and in between wondering she asked herself for a second if maybe once was remotely possible to have that view everyday.

But soon she found that the view didn’t happen in her old kitchen, didn’t belong to this time nor even to this her. 

This her wasn’t what Audrey needed, that for sure, what she neede-

Audrey thought she was going to have a heart attack the second the door opened wide all of a sudden. It banged against the wall with such strength that it startled her enough to drop what she had in her hands. Turning around, the only two things Audrey saw was Billie standing up of the couch at light speed and Dara in between the couch and the kitchen counter, panting harshly as if she was barely catching her breath in that moment.

All that before falling to the ground as if her whole body had given up.

It sent Audrey to panic, making her let out a loud gasp, and she rounded the counter to find Dara sobbing loudly on the floor, clawing at her shirt as if she was trying to get out of it unsuccessfully and she was clearly hurting herself in the process. 

“Annie, Annie, stop!” Billie’s panicked scream made Audrey react enough to hold herself in the counter. She silently watched in horror how her best friend reached her wife, the first thing she did was to hold her wrists to stop her. “God, you’re...bleeding, what...Annie, please, don’t-” 

In all the time Audrey had known the couple, she hadn’t seen the youngest part of it to act differently as calm. Dara’s sobs were heartbreaking, choking on her tears and own breathing, making her cough violently because she was trying to speak at the same time. It was a mess, a scary one in fact, and Billie was handling it all by herself as best as she knew. 

“Baby, please, I need to see...” Dara had managed to break free from Billie’s hold and was now protecting her neck for her dear life while Billie was trying to pull her up against her chest, so Dara’s back was resting there. “You’re boiling in fever...Annie, c-can you stand up? Love, listen to me, you need to calm down…”

But the best that Billie knew, wasn’t enough right now. 

How could she handle Audrey so well, yet when her wife was the one she was about to panic? She didn’t ever see Billie panic, getting mad for sure, but panic? Ever. And as scared, anxious and confused as Audrey was, something inside her tried to clear her head to help two of the three people in her life that always came to rescue her when the bad days were too much to handle.

“Bills, we need to get her in the shower,” Audrey’s strained voice surprised Billie, but watching her move was what made her react again. Dara was pretty much still a mess, but now she was trying to hide in Billie’s chest with any energy she had left. “You hold her body, I get her legs.”

Watching Dara whine and cry harder just because she seemed to think Billie was leaving her was one of the hardest things she saw. Billie kissed her head and whispered things Audrey couldn’t understand for a solid minute before they managed to lift her joining forces. Dara hissed in pain as soon as Audrey pulled her legs up and Billie looked even more in panic, eyes even more full of unshed tears. But they made it to the ensuite bathroom as fast as they could, which made the suffering end quickly.

“I’ll start the shower, get her out of her clothes and...try to see if she’s more hurt,” Audrey was trying to keep her cool, let Billie handle her wife, by being useful and ease things for them.

“Yeah, I-I’ll...yeah,” her hands were unbuttoning Dara’s shirt when Audrey turned around to give them some privacy, which she always tried to give them even when they were together. “My love, it’s okay, I’m not going anywhere…” ‘My love’ sounded right in Billie’s lips when she directed i to Dara. “There you a-your knees are scraped too...Annie, what happened…”

Dara only sobbed harder with that and when Audrey turned around again, she felt her heart squeeze very tightly inside her ribcage upon seeing Dara like that. Stripped down except for her underwear, she realized then that she wasn’t as full as she used to be, her skin was glistening with sweat and Billie had used her own t-shirt to clean the blood coming out of her nose and out of the scratches in her chest. Did she always had that scar in her left collarbone? Even the scar from the accident in her right hip was even more scary. And all of that as whole made Dara look so...small and vulnerable, that she could understand why Billie was crying finally.

“Billie,” Audrey called out for her and Billie seemed so lost once she managed to look back, so sad, that she had to put her bravest face on to not let away her own fear. “If she has fever, we have to lower it.”

Billie looked then at Audrey with new eyes, her arms tightening around Dara to protect her from anything. 

The uneasiness she was feeling suddenly made sense, the voice talking to her from another side telling her something completely different to what she was hearing in reality. And it was a shock that she totally wasn’t prepared for. How bad she wanted to kiss, to hide, to do anything in her power to take the suffering away from her wife.

“Sweetie,” she felt her body restarting, letting go a ragged breath for a second, her hand cradling Dara’s head against her chest better. “She’s burning up and if we don’t do something, it will go worse.”

“Yeah, we have to,” Billie felt herself nod, only making worse the raging headache she felt building up behind her eyes, and she wasn’t sure how but with Audrey’s help they both lifted Dara again to make her stand in her feet, even when it was clear she couldn’t keep herself standing. “Let’s do it, I got you...we got you.”

Upon saying that, Billie suddenly felt the scent of million roses filling her. Oh, you were always so extra. She felt herself tearing up again and Dara got a new whole wave of sobs, because obviously she was feeling it too. Audrey couldn’t, God blessed her, and she felt more eager to get Dara under the shower just because of that. 

Billie didn’t care her clothes got wet, she just stood there holding her close to her chest and letting her cry. When was the last time she was like that? Not even the breakdown in the morning compared to this one, it wasn’t even similar. And she let her do that, to cry, to be held, to let go of all that; because she deserved it. Trembling as she was, Dara kept mumbling and sobbing what it seemed apologies, and Billie shushed her with all the care in the world.

They would overcome this too, she was sure of it, as they did all those times before...but this time, Billie was going to be the one guiding her love through it.

Once Dara managed to stop trembling and to be separated from her wife, Audrey got her wrapped in a towel, firm arms holding her while Billie took off her clothes and went to retrieve dry ones for both. Asking her in a mere whisper if she could walk, Audrey also managed to make Dara move little by little towards the bed, where she sat her and started to check the superficial scratches she had. Billie left a pair of her own pajamas by Dara’s side before going to retrieve something to patch her wife up, and, along with her best friend, they worked through the tiny injuries before helping Dara to get in new clothes.

“I’ll go get some tea,” Audrey said finally in tiny voice, once Dara was settled under the covers like a crying ball that she still was, and Billie was trying to kiss her tears away. “Do you want something else dear?”

“C-can you stay tonight?” Billie asked right away, looking up at her friend in a way Audrey never saw her before. “I know you have a lot on your plate, even more after these days, and I’m sor-”

But Billie got silent went Audrey walked towards her to kiss her forehead first and then put her hand in Dara’s cheek tenderly. How could she say no when they both had done bigger things for her? How could deny her best friend that, seeing how much she needed a hand with this new situation, when she never asked something in return?

“I’ll do, don’t even apologize,” she said in a whisper before leaving the room. “I’ll also get some hot towels just in case, okay?”

When they were alone, Billie didn’t lose time to get in bed with Dara, who reached for her as soon as she was close to bury her face in her chest once more. She wasn’t sobbing anymore, thankfully, but it was scary how she seemed unable to stop from crying. Billie brushed her wet locks of hair out of her face and kissed her brow with love, kissed anywhere she could to not let her think she was alone.

“I’m sorry I let her go,” Dara cried, her body shaking with a sob that never reached her lips. “I’m sorry Billie, I’m sorry...I had to do something, anything...and now she’s...she’s gone Billie, Nora is gone…”

“Your love took her there,” Billie whispered with the warmth she felt in the back of her neck intensifying because she knew they were being listened. “You healed her, my love, you helped her to finally move on...and that’s nothing to be sorry about.”

Billie knew too many things Dara was completely oblivious of, oh that she knew, too many years holding all the secrets the ghost confided in her. And her last words for her wife were full of those secrets and the truth. 

Maybe one day she would be able to tell everything to Dara, because she was sure Nora wanted her to know eventually; maybe the next morning she would ask for the whole version of what truly happened; maybe Billie would find a way to let Dara go back to the place she loved.

But for the rest of night, once Audrey came back with everything and with her help they kinda sandwiched her wife between them, she was pretty much okay with finally resting of the whole madness that this was.

Rest from all the countdowns that came to an end in two days. Rest from all the doubts and wonderings, rest from ten years of being a total coward.

Rest knowing that, finally, she was free to love Dara as much as she deserved.

[lucysrain]

Dear 2020:

Minkens. What a different year.

First of all, I never would have imagined a pandemic would happen and that I would spend a year inside my house.

However, not being able to go out made this creative soul of mine go wild and even more creative. It even made me sit down with my feelings and the most interesting part of my day were the dreams I had at night. I found myself writing songs about the dreams I had as if they were my life awake.

My favorite part of this year was getting so close to my already best friend Dani. God, I'm so blessed to have her in my life. She is the best friend ever, I love her.

Together we started writing a musical. A freaking musical that doesn't suck! I wrote the music, like literally. I made the sheet music, note by note and wrote songs for my characters. She started designing the costumes. There is a scrip that last +2 hours. How the heck did we make that? It's insane.

The musical isn't ready yet, we are still adjusting some things. But man, wow.

That wasn't it. We started a business. Our Fashion Garden. Got over 2000 followers in less than a year, in 6 freaking months.

The business got us closer, we are an excellent team. I seriously don't know what I would do without her. I'm beyond blessed, she is so talented and smart. I'm so grateful my team is someone like her.

We had a lot of struggles and lack of motivation, but that's how it is. Sometimes businesses have good and bad days. But we have learned so much.

We closed this year with maybe 200 people subscribed to our site. Over 80 people has joined our challenge and they keep signing in. We only expected like 1 or 2 if we were lucky.

When it comes to music and singing, I must say this was a good year. I wrote a lot of songs, some really good songs I love. Others that well, suck. But even the most talented person has made something they don't like.

My singing has improved, my vibrato is almost there. It is there but not in all notes yet. I'm singing correctly now and I'm improving little by little, but were moving forward.

I think I had the time to understand what I've been through, understand my self. I'm writing a book and it has helped a lot. I've forgiven my past self and every single person who hurt me. Now I understand why they where in my life, thank you all, you made me stronger.

I also read so much this year. I learned so much, I healed, I saw +20 shows on Netflix with my mom, I laughed and cried and went into fights with my sister.

I'm closing this year with a smile on my face because I'm lucky to have the mom I have, someone who has the soul of a kid, but the brain of a wise old woman. My dad, we got closer and for the first time ever I felt his support even when I was failing and not making any money, he was there to tell me "be patient, it will come. You are working hard, so it will come."

I'm grateful for my siblings, for having afternoons on the kitchen watching The Office and Shark Tank from my brother's iPad. They even learned a whole choreography I taught them, which was the only thing we laughed about when my dad had covid and we were scared like hell.

All the memories, the 5 of us not being able to smell, but barely having symptoms. Going together for a covid test and testing positive. The week we went to the beach and I my dog went with us, it was holiday and swimming on the ocean felt like LIVING.

Man, I even feel like the first 2 months happened last year!

The best thing of 2020 was going to Billy Joel's concert. GIRL WHAT, that happened? Yes it did! One of my biggest dreams ever!!!, and since then I've been on quarantine.

And how could I forget?! The feeling I got when I voted for the first time as an american. The feeling of joy when I saw the president I voted for won. The feeling of hope, of everything will be fine now.

Well, quite a lot happen this year, but I'm looking forward to 2021. Please be better, I'm ready for so many things. I want to travel again, go out to meet my friends (I did went out like 5 times, though.), go out on sundays with my family, sign into dancing classes, be part of something in a community, meet boys, go to events and bazaars. I miss that.

Anyway, thank you 2020 for the knowledge and the anxiety lol. What a year, the weirdest I've ever lived. Definitely not the best, but not the worst either because I learned to be happy.

Pd: I chose this picture because I'm wearing a Billy Joel's T-shirt which represents the best part of the year, but I took it home, where I stayed the whole year. Felt like it was the one who represented this 2020 the best.

This years mood: