#I'm just dumbing this here i guess

[skrunksthatwunk]

actually i'm still thinking about the moral orel finale.

he has a cross on his wall. do you know how much i think about that bc it's a lot.

a lot of stories ((auto)biographical or fictional) centering escape from abusive/fundamentalist christianity result in the lead characters leaving behind christianity entirely. and that makes complete sense! people often grow disillusioned with the associated systems and beliefs, and when it was something used to hurt them or something so inseparable from their abuse that they can't engage with it without hurting, it makes total sense that they would disengage entirely. and sometimes they just figure out that they don't really believe in god/a christian god/etc. a healthy deconstruction process can sometimes look like becoming an atheist or converting to another religion. it's all case by case. (note: i'm sure this happens with other religions as well, i'm just most familiar with christian versions of this phenomenon).

but in orel's case, his faith was one of the few things that actually brought him comfort and joy. he loved god, y'know? genuinely. and he felt loved by god and supported by him when he had no one else. and the abuses he faced were in how the people in his life twisted religion to control others, to run away from themselves, to shield them from others, etc. and often, orel's conflicts with how they acted out christianity come as a direct result of his purer understanding of god/jesus/whatever ("aren't we supposed to be like this/do that?" met with an adult's excuse for their own behavior or the fastest way they could think of to get orel to leave them alone (i.e. orel saying i thought we weren't supposed to lie? and clay saying uhhh it doesn't count if you're lying to yourself)). the little guy played catch with god instead of his dad, like.. his faith was real, and his love was real. and i think it's a good choice to have orel maintain something that was so important to him and such a grounding, comforting force in the midst of. All That Stuff Moralton Was Up To/Put Him Through. being all about jesus was not the problem, in orel's case.

and i know i'm mostly assuming that orel ended up in a healthier, less rigid version of christianity, but i feel like that's something that was hinted at a lot through the series, that that's the direction he'd go. when he meditates during the prayer bee and accepts stephanie's different way to communicate, incorporating elements of buddhism into his faith; when he has his I AM A CHURCH breakdown (removing himself from the institution and realizing he can be like,, the center of his own faith? taking a more individualistic approach? but Truly Going Through It at the same time), his acceptance (...sometimes) of those who are different from him and condemned by the adults of moralton (stephanie (lesbian icon stephanie my beloved), christina (who's like. just a slightly different form of fundie protestant from him), dr chosenberg (the jewish doctor from otherton in holy visage)). his track record on this isn't perfect, but it gets better as orel starts maturing and picking up on what an absolute shitfest moralton is. it's all ways of questioning the things he's been taught, and it makes sense that it would lead to a bigger questioning as he puts those pieces together more. anyway i think part of his growth is weeding out all the lost commandments of his upbringing and focusing on what faith means to him, and what he thinks it should mean. how he wants to see the world and how he wants to treat people and what he thinks is okay and right, and looking to religion for guidance in that, not as like. a way to justify hurting those he's afraid or resentful of, as his role models did.

he's coming to his own conclusions rather than obediently, unquestioningly taking in what others say. but he's still listening to pick out the parts that make sense to him. (edit/note: and it's his compassion and his faith that are the primary motivations for this questioning and revisal process, both of individual cases and, eventually, the final boss that is christianity.) it makes perfect sense as the conclusion to his character arc and it fits the overall approach of the show far better. it's good is what i'm saying.

and i think it's important to show that kind of ending, because that's a pretty common and equally valid result of deconstruction. and i think it cements the show's treatment of christianity as something that's often (and maybe even easily) exploited, but not something inherently bad. something that can be very positive, even. guys he even has a dog he's not afraid of loving anymore. he's not afraid of loving anyone more than jesus and i don't think it's because he loves this dog less than bartholomew (though he was probably far more desperate for healthy affection and companionship when he was younger). i think it's because he figures god would want him to love that dog. he's choosing to believe that god would want him to love and to be happy and to be kind. he's not afraid of loving in the wrong way do you know how cool that is he's taking back control he's taking back something he loves from his abusers im so normal

[pastelsouthernbelle]

my boyfriend introduced me to the yakuza series a month ago by forcing me to watch him play through y0.

i am now inconsolable and determinedly playing through kiwami 1, even though I'm horrible at playing video games and have the hand-eye coordination of a newborn.

majima is now one of my sons, and I am determined to see this series through so I can make sure he gets plenty of hugs and love and everything else. (I am also, against my will, an unabashedly shameless kazumaji shipper, and I just... i don't know what to do with that.)

this series single-handedly brought me back to fandom with all the grace of a fist to the face, and I'm just so, so happy to have found my new happy place in the form of old, emotionally constipated men who clearly need each other in ways they can't even hope to conceptualize.

anyway, idk. this post is nothing, but I felt like writing for some reason... so... i wrote this... and then I started writing snippets of a fanfic that'll likely never see the time of day

but, y'know what? it... this feels good. it feels correct. i feel like I was in hibernation for centuries, but my pretty bf decided it was high time for me to wake up from this dumb slumber I found myself in.

i've missed fandom; i've missed people; i've missed community. and even though it doesn't seem like the kazumaji fandom is super, super active, i'm just happy to have found people who feel super, super warm :')

[jake-is-screaming-in-tune]

Hello! Today I went with some Zoro, because he's my favorite. He's a bitch to draw, it's so hard. I'm used to writing his pov, and find that pretty easy. But drawing him is hard. I don't know how people do it.

Under the cut are some different versions as always, since I can't decide on anything lol.

You know what's the thing that almost made me want to throw my laptop? Doing the triangle in the demi flag. But I'm happy with the result.

As always, I don't know how to draw hair and face, but who cares!

Is it obvious that I have a thing for Zoro covered in blood? Probably. Do I care? Not really.

Close up of Zoro's boobies and chest hehe (since I hate how the face turned out).

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

I've had some ANF thoughts today. Y'all know how much I hate the "love triangle" aspect of the story with Javi, Kate, and David, right? If you can even call it a love triangle; it's more of a "David and Kate never felt like a married couple to begin with and now Javi has the chance to bone his sister-in-law as if that's not a weird thing to do at all👍" thing, so... not great.

I'm also just not fond of Kate as a character in general. She's pretty good in ep1, but after that it's a slippery slope as she's relegated to the injured love interest for Javi. There are interesting aspects to her, like how she's resourceful and on top of things, she keeps track of herds and overall is shown to be incredibly smart. But, she also has moments where she has to let herself be emotional and a little panicked because she knows she needs to get it out of her system in order to focus. She gets frustrated with Gabe and says things she shouldn't, and she just.... I dunno, does dumb shit sometimes? And that would be fine if it made sense... but it doesn't.

I was always more interested in the Garcia brothers aspect of ANF, and felt the story would've been improved if it focused more on Javi and David, their relationship as brothers in the past and how different it is after they've found each other again in the apocalypse. One of the best scenes in the entire game is the rooftop scene where David ask Javi to stand with him.

And so I was thinking about ANF this morning and what could be done to make Kate fit better in the story and like...it hit me: Kate should've been their sister.

No, seriously, hear me out: Kate should've been written to be the middle child of the Garcia siblings instead.

Do you know how much that would fix? Throw that stupid love triangle in the trash. It was never good, it did nothing for Kate's character, and now David and Javi don't have to bicker about who she's married to and who gets to bone her, okay? No bullshit fight at the end!

David was already married once, just let him be divorced or a widower, and a single father. Javi can have a new love interest; hell, give him two if you want, let him be a bi king over Eleanor and Tripp- wait, no that just creates another love triangle, damn it-

Anyway... if Kate was their sister, then her entire character overflows with potential that wasn't there before.

I say make her the middle child who was stuck with two rivaling brothers, one a military man who became a single father and the other a professional baseball player who lost it all in a gambling scandal.

What about Kate? Perhaps she's a single woman who doesn't know what she wants in life. She doesn't want to settle down and have kids like David did, but she also doesn't want to sink so low like Javi did. She wants to travel, but needs money to do that so she does what she can save up, but there's always something that makes her dip into her savings.

Y'know... like her father getting sick and needing to pay for treatments, which Kate is happy to give up those savings so for a chance for him to beat cancer, but there's always that little bit of bitterness lingering inside her that keeps saying, "it's never about what I want, it's always about David or Javi, I'm going no where, I'm no one, even I don't know who I am or what I want, what am I doing? Papa got sick, so Javi ran away again, and so did David when he reenlisted, and who got left behind to take care of everything? Me, it's always me left to take care of Mama and Papa, and the kids, and everything else!"

Maybe she acted as a mediator between the brothers, too. They always relied on her when they were pissed with each other, they vented all their problems to her, and she always tried to get them to connect on something, but never found that right thing.

Hell, this way she could get along with the kids better, too. She's just Aunt Kate. She always volunteered to babysit them for David. She and Gabe still have their tiffs due to clashing attitudes, but there's no "you're not my mother!" vibe.

Suddenly Kate's her own person and not just an object the game throws at you for the brothers to grunt "she's muh wife!" "but I love her, too!" at.

ANF becomes the story of these three siblings who experienced the worst night of their lives together: their father died after a long battle with cancer, their mother is distraught, Javi didn't show up in time, David's drinking on the porch and Kate's trying to look out for everyone. Then the outbreak happens, their father comes back as a walker and bites their mother, David rushes off with her to the hospital while Kate and Javi take the kids...

Years later, Kate and Javi have accepted that they've lost their parents and big brother, and they're doing what they can to keep their niece and nephew alive... until Kate gets shot and they reunite with David, because then everything gets extra complicated with the three siblings trying to repair broken bridges and survive together until they hit a breaking point where Kate gets sick of David's shit. She's done trying to be nice and play mediator, she's ready to do what she thinks is right and an argument breaks out... and Javi's forced to choose between his brother or sister, and the tragedy becomes about being unable to save one of them... not matter what, in the end, Javi will lose a sibling because no matter how hard he tried, they still fell apart.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

I just really hate every plot they give Kate, y'all. She was done dirty.

And I loathe love triangles that involve two siblings [usually it's brothers] falling in love with the same person, okay? I don't have the patience for it, I just want all of those love triangles to go far, far away from me forever and never bother me again.

Anyway, do you love this thing I do where I show up after months of inactivity to slap something like this down before scurrying away? Because I'm scurrying now.

[running-in-the-dark]

can't sleep (despite new meds + melatonin, boo), so I'm thinking about random shit. like: it's insane to me that I'm totally fine living on the ground floor now. it used to really freak me out. I hated being downstairs when we lived in a house. I always felt watched when I had my room on the ground floor. and every time I visited my dad at his ground floor apartment - where I was on my own except for maybe an hour a day - I had what I now know were panic attacks several times a day. so like, that's pretty crazy.

[sheliesshattered]

somehow, I don't know how, but somehow sewing machines always know when you're nearly done with a project and pick that exact moment to throw a hissy fit

[thedreadvampy]

my therapist spent today's session making Faces at me about getting an ADHD diagnosis

which

I can honestly say I have never seriously considered the possibility of seeking an ADHD diagnosis but she might not be a billion miles off

I was describing how I get "fizzy bored" where I have no energy or ability to move and nothing holds my attention but I feel like my bones are trying to vibrate out of me with the desire to be Doing Things and she was like 🤔 and I got onto the fact that I often need to be doing 3-4 things at once to ease into focusing on one and she was like 🤨 and then I mentioned how I find it really difficult to start doing things but once I'm in it I'm super focused and she was like 😌 have you considered the possibility of an ADHD diagnosis?

and so I explained that I don't really see the point because even though, unlike EDS and autism, a diagnosis could suggest an actual treatment, I don't really feel like anything I've described is disabling me cause I have the tools to manage it now most of the time and I feel Fizzy Bored WAY less often these days. and she was like 🤨

and I was like yeah to be fair actually I did use to think that about chronic pain, trauma and having shit eyesight and doing something about them did really change my experience. and she was like 😌 and I was like and actually now we mention it the fact that I sometimes for NO REASON AT ALL simply put off doing things even though they would be really easy to do and I want to do them for LITERAL YEARS is maybe. A thing that it might be nice to change if I could. And she was like 🤔 and I was like OH FUCK I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GENUINELY CONSIDER THIS POSSIBILITY AREN'T I?

anyway after talking a mile a minute and overrunning by 15 minutes I then got a quarter of a mile away on foot and realised I'd left my glasses on her table. she opened the door I went HEY SPEAKING OF ADHD

[ohhcinnybuns]

Hi. It's me. I'm back at it again.

Today I'm thinking about a singer! Dazai and 'only there against his will to end his situationship' concertgoer Chuuya au.

For one song, be my Evangeline

Chuuya, a classic rock listener who prefers to stay at home and read books after a long day, receives a text from his situationship, Yuan, who pleads to him to attend an up-and-coming rockabilly concert with her and the rest of the sheep on Saturday night.

Chuuya doesn’t have to. He's not obligated to. Whatever he and Yuan have going on, he’s not putting his all into a half-made relationship. He hasn't shown much interest in her hobbies or likes after their initial flirty phase months ago, and he's starting to think he should run.

Situationships are just so confusing, and he can't tell if he likes her in the same way that she likes him anymore. She's clingy and bossy, thinking she has him under her clutches all the time when Chuuya is on the precipice of jumping ship.

Besides, the music doesn't fit his style. Why go to something that doesn't pique his interest? With a sigh, he mulls it over. This would be the perfect time to know if he and Yuan have anything in common or if their situationship is based on attraction. If it's not his scene, and she's not what he's looking for, he's high-tailing out of there. End of situationship.

Chuuya agrees to meet with Yuan and the rest of the Sheep, and Saturday arrives quickly.

Walking up to the venue, he is immediately pounced on by Yuan, and she gives Chuuya a VIP badge while the rest of the Sheep move to enter the venue.

Chuuya can feel a pit in his stomach because Yuan looks beautiful in her polka dot dress and retro pin-up bobbed hair. Chuuya looks like the most basic man possible with his plain white tee, black jeans, leather jacket, fedora, and Converse. They are on different pages, even in style, and it is clear to him that their relationship won't work immediately. Though for the slightest second, he's scared he will change his mind about her. He can appreciate beauty when he sees it.

That thought flies out the window when she opens her mouth to fangirl and squeal about the artist they'll see tonight, though. She twirls and gushes about the new up-and-coming artist Osamu Dazai and says that Chuuya should be jealous; he is all she can think about. She also mentioned that the VIP badge would let them meet Osamu later and is looking forward to it. She yaps about how sometimes, during the song "Evangeline," the spotlight will find someone from the VIP section, and he'll dedicate the song to them and how she wishes it was her, and yadda, yadda, yadda.

Chuuya zones her out the rest of the way to their booth, thinking of how to tell her he's not interested in whatever they are and to go home.

After several smaller artists and bands perform, the curtains rise for Osamu Dazai, who sits in a chair with a microphone, playing with it idly. His black suspenders dangle lazily from his dark denim jeans, and his white tee, tucked in, captures the ripples of his toned, bandaged body beneath. His bandages stop at the base of his neck and biceps, which make them nearly unseeable, but even in his drunken stupor, Chuuya can see through the mouthwatering tight-fitting shirt. Dazai's hair has been slicked back with a loose, wavy strand to frame his face, and his white and black sneakers complete his outfit.

Chuuya is slightly impressed by him because he looks a little pretty. Okay, maybe Dazai is a lot pretty. He'd never hidden his curiosity towards other men from anyone, and he wasn't about to now that there was a handsome, talented man before him, making him raise a brow.

Chuuya has had a couple of drinks and finally relaxed enough to enjoy the show. He'll worry about Yuan later. He’s stuck here, after all. He hasn’t had a moment with Yuan to let her down gently. So, he'll make the most of things.

The crowd cheers wildly, and Osamu takes a moment to talk and settle the crowd. At any sudden movement he makes, his fans roar intensely. Osamu laughs into the microphone, teasing his fans with a simple devilish smirk asking, "Did you miss me, Yokohama? I’ve been out searching for my Evangeline, are they here tonight?”

The crowd immediately goes wild as the music starts through the speakers. A spotlight comes on in an otherwise dark venue, and Chuuya can feel his muscles tense. What was that thing Yuan had mentioned that he zoned out again? Something, something spotlight, something, something song...

The spotlight looms over their booth, and Chuuya can feel himself internally hoping and praying it goes away. It doesn’t.

The bright beam rains down on him, his face shielded by his hat to hide his dumbstruck look. He can hear the gasps and wild screams of the girls around him.

He attempts to trade places with Yuan, but the light follows him, and he growls in annoyance, yelling profanities that are long lost in the sea of screams at the spotlight operator. He thought he heard Yuan scream into the crowd, "Wow, this has never happened before, Chuuya! You're so lucky!"

With a growl and defeated sigh, now that all eyes are on him, Chuuya finally looks back at the stage and locks gazes with Dazai, who is blinking at him stupidly. Wasn’t this part of the moron’s act? Why did he look shocked, too? That only made Chuuya want to start picking fights because the look on Dazai’s face annoyed him.

Suddenly, the simple idea of being serenaded by a man to a man hits them, and they just give each other a “never speak about this again, so get on with it” look even though it's being witnessed and recorded by thousands of fangirls. It’s not like things can get worse, right? Chuuya was too tipsy for this.

As Osamu Dazai begins his song, he motions his head to his bodyguard, Hirotsu, in Chuuya’s direction. He did have an act he followed. Hirotsu nods and makes his way to the booth, where he takes an animated Chuuya (against his will) to the stage. Chuuya hoped Hirotsu was there to toss him out of the venue and save him from embarrassment, but as he expected, it’s always a 'no' to wishful thinking.

Chuuya just about throws a fist at the old man in his drunken stupor but stops when he’s shoved on the stage next to Dazai, who leans down to him during the chorus with a warm smile,

So don't go to sleep, don't rest your head, I'll be the pillow, and I'll be the bed, holding your dreams as you lie to rest, Evangeline.

Chuuya was never one to be speechless, but even he couldn't fight the flutter of his heart at the tenderness behind the words, or the gentle way Osamu picked him up and pulled him close to sway to the ballad, a hand sliding into Chuuya’s hair to guide his head to rest against Osamu's broad shoulders. Dazai sings the rest of the song into Chuuya’s ear, making him flustered and struggle against the hold.

Anybody call a doctor, I'm a thousand degrees in love Oh, and I'm sick of all the guessing, between the two of us.

When he can’t break free, Chuuya groans in defeat and watches the way Osamu smirks down at him, and his legs turn to jelly. Was it the Osamu Dazai effect, or was it the alcohol speaking? He couldn't tell. Not that he was complaining. All the fight in him was gone, so he just listened to the soothing voice from above and held on to Osamu's white shirt so he wouldn't stumble while they swayed, the lyrics echoing back to them from the ocean of fans.

During the final chorus, Osamu finally lets go of Chuuya, bends down to one knee, and places a chaste kiss on his hand. Chuuya blushes and hurriedly uses his hat to cover his flushed cheeks from the crowd. He grumbles a clear "loser, don't do that again" to Dazai, who only laughs and finally lets him go.

Osamu leans into Chuuya's ear and tells him he'll see him later, which only makes Chuuya's heartbeat quicken in his ears. His brain was clearly not keeping up, and it took him a minute to realize that Osamu was playing with his VIP badge. Yeah, he forgot all about that, and yuan, the screaming fans, and everything else that wasn't Osamu Dazai.

As Chuuya is escorted off the stage, he glances back at Osamu, who keeps his eyes on his figure, making Chuuya shudder. There is a moment when Osamu looks down at his hands, thoughts running so quickly that no one can tell, but Chuuya can see it through his tipsy haze.

Osamu gives Chuuya a final innocent smile. He watches as Osamu lifts the microphone to his lips, and with a chuckle, he says, "My Evangeline sure is a handsome one tonight. A true inspiration for this next song..."

Chuuya walks away faster than ever before, realizing the next song is a love ballad, and he settles back in his seat, ignoring the jealous eyes of fans on him. He tips his fedora over his face and sinks into his spot, listening to the Sheep go on about how it was all caught on video and this moment will forever be memorable.

Chuuya groans and ignores them for the rest of the performance. When he goes backstage later, he's 100% going to kick Osamu Dazai's ass for the embarrassment and let him have it (in what way, he's not quite sure yet). Perhaps he'll also ask him for an autograph too because, above being fine, Osamu showed great talent, and Chuuya appreciated that.

In the meantime, though, he'll casually flip Osamu off anytime the singer so much as mentions anything to do with Evangeline and sends him flying glares from his seat every time they make eye contact as payback. Osamu's laugh echoes through the speakers each time, and Chuuya can't help but smirk back at their silly interaction. That'll show Osamu to pick Chuuya as his Evangeline.

Note: Wow, this got out of control really quickly. It was only supposed to be an idea...It's not what I had planned at all, but sure. LOL. Something a little stupid, fluffy, and sweet.

Update: Gave it a title. :)

Extras.

Chuuya does kick Dazai Osamu's ass backstage, but at video games. They drink, hang out, nearly kiss in their drunken haze, and decide this is the time to go HOME.

Chuuya asks for his autograph and a picture, to which Dazai agrees and writes his number on the back of a Polaroid. You know... Just in case.

Chuuya breaks up with his situationship because he's over it and much more interested in the butthead of a singer whose voice will haunt his dreams at night.

Inspirations

Dazai's song

Yuan's hairstyle

Dazai's fit (ish) - this was the closest representation I could find. I have 0 drawing skills, otherwise I would.

The closest representation of their pose when they take a picture backstage later.

[fourspiceblend]

Uuauaaahhhhhh why must people put their personal grievances with fandom on a ship tag or mention a ship without censoring it like whyyyy.... Some of them aren't even mean-spirited at all but they're also very much not in good faith either and just another way of saying "I like this ship in the Correct God-Honored Way™ unlike 99% of you bozos in the community" and it's like ok?? Good for you I guess...

[obessivedork]

The more I think about it the more annoyed I am by the amount of Deadwoman Sadmen in Fallout 4. Like @the head writer WHO THE FUCK HURT YOU???? @Todd Howard WHY did you approve SO many of the EXACT SAME character backstory for MULTIPLE characters in ONE GAME??

You know what? I WOULD rather a bitter divorced MacCready who nontheless is looking for a cure for his son because that's still his kid! I'd rather Kellog's wife?/gf? LEFT him because he was a piece of shit merc! Must it have been a wife dying for Deacon to feel bad and change his ways? why not some random community member or or a friend something? Time and time again this series uses women as plot devices rather than as characters and fallout 4 is the worst offender. Not only is it misogyny and showing a severe lack of anyone but the most generic cis white men they could pull off the street to sit in the writer's room but it's So. Lazy. Every. Time!!!!

Sexism aside are they not embarassed with their lack of imagination and hack storytelling?

[ante--meridiem]

Extremely confidence boosting to me that every time I've read my poetry out loud in public at least one person has come up to me afterwards to say they like it. More confidence boosting than people telling me I'm good at anything else which usually just feels very awkward because poetry is something I don't feel I can self evaluate at all because I know how easy it is for something to accidentally come out cliched/overwrought.

[whentherewerebicycles]

question: when you're starting a new job, what do you most want out of your first week of onboarding? what's most helpful for you to know/understand upfront? also... what's not helpful? tell me your onboarding nightmare stories too lol

[kuningatar]

nine people i'd like to get to know better

i got tagged by @ravensfreckles thanks 💖

last song: 闇に降る奇跡 by d'espairsray

favorite color: black (and yellow and green and pink)

currently watching: does rewatching old UNHhhh episodes on youtube count? i really haven't been watching anything in a while

last movie/show: killing of the flower moon (it was great!!)

spicy/savory/sweet: it kinda rotates but mostly sweet

current obsession: this stupid mobile game called whiteout survival

last thing you googled: killing of the flower moon (i wanted to make sure i got the name right)

tagging: @raylangivins @arcreactored @faronnorth @acorrespondence @vinylchemist

[dude-iloveu]

lowkey wanna make all my ocs malay or mixed malay just because i want to explore different aspects of malay ppl from different states

[lyssafreyguy]

God . . . imagine thinking Laios is a bad person who doesn't care about people. actual insanity.

[smol-tired-binch-blog]

Yknow, the fact that Matsushige looks like a knock-off Sohei Dojima probably really didn’t help matters did it