Heart-to-Heart
Victor: I caught a wild Caroline, the most beautiful and elusive creature on the beach!
Caroline: *snorting*
Victor: Are you trying not to laugh?
Caroline: Yeah.
Victor: Why? You should laugh at funny things.
Caroline: You're the funniest thing I know, Victor.
Victor: Thanks for the compliment. I'll take it.
Caroline: *giggling* Why can't all grownups be as silly as you?
Victor: Oh, you know... some other grownup probably told them a long time ago that it's not okay for grownups to be silly. Luckily, Nanna Grace forgot to mention that to me, so what you see is what you get. World's silliest grownup.
Caroline: Are you ever going to say that to me?
Victor: What do you think? Do you think a grownup as silly as me would ever tell you it's not okay to be silly when you grow up?
Caroline: No.
Victor: That's right. What I am going to tell you is that it's important to learn when you can be silly and when you have to take things seriously. You know how Yuri and I are teaching you about responsibility?
Caroline: Yeah, like how I have to feed Pirate Cookie every day and work on her obedience, and make my bed and brush my teeth every day?
Victor: Exactly. When you're training Pirate Cookie, is that a time to be silly?
Caroline: No, because she might get confused. She might think it's play time instead of learning time.
Victor: Right. But after training, then the two of you can be silly, can't you?
Caroline: Yeah.
Victor: That's what It's like for me, too. I have to take it seriously when I'm looking after my patients or driving or making dentist and eye doctor appointments for you, but there's still plenty of room for silly time.
Caroline: I like silly time.
Victor: Me too. Now, what do you say to washing some of the sand off and then getting something to eat?
Caroline: Can you carry me up to the house on your back?
Victor: Sure, if you want.
Caroline: Yes, please.
Victor: After we wash off, you can check on Yuri. If he's still working you can tell him that I said to stop. I'm going to look in on the patients really quickly and make sure they're okay before Miss Poet leaves and Miss Leilani gets here to stay the night with them. Then we'll grill some burgers, okay?
Caroline: Okay!
Victor: How's this?
Caroline: This is one of my favourite things.
Victor: I'm glad, 'cause it's one of my favourite things too.
Caroline: You know what's my favouritest favourite thing of all?
Victor: What is it?
Caroline: That you adopted me and I get to be your kid forever and ever. That I got to pick my own name, and you let me keep 'Caroline' even though it was the name of somebody you already loved a lot.
Victor: I love you a lot, and one of my favouritest favourite things is that you thought 'Caroline' was a good enough name to want to keep. I think your Auntie Caroline would've been proud to share it with you.
Caroline: Really?
Victor: Yeah. She didn't get a chance to grow up, but I think if she did, she would've loved to see how well you're growing up too, and I think she'd be very pleased.
Caroline: I wish I could've met her.
Victor: I wish I could've met your biological dad.
Caroline: Maybe... maybe wherever they are, they're together. Maybe he's looking after her just like you're looking after me. Sometimes it's sad to think about Papa because he went away forever, but... but I kinda feel better when I imagine that's what he's doing.
Victor: You know what? I like that. It makes me feel better too.
Caroline: I think they're up in the stars. That's why I'm not scared of the dark, 'cause when it's dark, the stars come out and I can look for Papa's.
Victor: Which one is his?
Caroline: I don't know what it's called, but it's the brightest one I can see. He had to make it really bright for me so I can find him, because he knows I can't see like everyone else.
Victor: I think he must love you very much, to have thought of that.
Caroline: I love him very much. Sometimes I tell that to the star. Do you think that's okay?
Victor: I think it's more than okay. I think it's the most wonderful thing I've heard in a long time, and I hope you'll never stop wanting to tell his star how you feel, so he never forgets how much you love him.
Caroline: I love you and Yuri too.
Victor: You're allowed to love as many people as you want. That's the great thing about hearts, you know. They grow to whatever size they need to grow, so you can fit in as much love as you want, and they don't shrink back when somebody you love goes away. You can keep that space for them in your heart forever.
Caroline: I like that. Do you keep space in your heart for the other Caroline?
Victor: Yes, and for Dad and Grandma Lydia.
Caroline: I'm gonna keep a space for Papa.
Victor: I know you will. He's a very special person, and he deserves to be remembered, and there's absolutely no one better than you to remember him and keep a space for him in your heart.
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I hate to nitpick the Atsushi hallucinating scene in the new episode cause it was SO well done otherwise, but I'm still really sad that they cut out Francis being there. Like... it's not entirely necessary, I guess, but it just adds so much to his character and to the scene itself?
The Francis in Atsushi's mind is this looming, intimidating presence, because Atsushi did of course fight against him, he was his enemy at one point, but I think it undeniably says a lot that he's even included here at all.
I'm pretty sure I saw this discussed back when this chapter first came out, but while everything Atsushi's hallucinations say to him are framed as negative, putting him down, they can also be read as letting him know that the burden of responsibility for making such a huge decision isn't on him (hence why he decides to let Fukuzawa decide instead, because he can't make THE choice, but he can still choose to act to let someone else decide, and not simply do nothing), and Francis is no exception in this regard. Since he's naturally haughty and arrogant in his personality, this fake version of him doesn't at all feel out of character, coldly saying that "nobody expects anything of you", but again, I think this line especially can also be read as "you are not expected to do anything". In that way, it feels more reassuring, and maybe even dare I say kind -- the fact that Atsushi even considers him important enough of a figure in his life to think of what he would say to him in this moment means that he counts Francis among his allies now. Yes, they didn't get along at first when Francis lied and told him that he only wanted to revive Margaret just so she could kill Hawthorne (because god forbid he actually admit out loud that he cares about people, smh), and obviously because of the whole almost burning Yokohama down and trying to kill him and Akutagawa thing lol, but I'm pretty sure Atsushi changed his mind about him after he saw the state Margaret was in, and recognized how much Francis cares about her and wanted her to be alright. He probably still remembers him talking about his desire to bring back his daughter and save her and his wife, too. The guy still probably isn't someone Atsushi would want to hang out with and be buddy-buddy with during his free time lmao, but the airheaded vain old sport still has a good heart, deep down, and I think Atsushi has seen this by now, because he's a kind person, and so I think it speaks volumes that he unconsciously looks to him for advice here. Francis is just a really good and underrated character, and this is such a small but meaningful moment that shows his development so well, the only moment with him we've gotten or any of the Guild really in such a long time, so it makes me sad to see this cut 💔
I also just feel like not including him kind of weakens the impact of Akutagawa's appearance here?? Like, there's a progression of the order of people Atsushi hears/sees in this scenes: first, people from the ADA sans Dazai, who are all portrayed as on the same level, because he cares about them all equally, aside from I guess Kyouka (again, sans Dazai, the most important person to him). Then, there is Francis, and not to say that Francis is more important to Atsushi than the ADA, obviously not, but he's one of the last to appear because he used to be his enemy, and so he commands much more of a presence, has more of an impact -- but at the same time, like I said, it's complicated: he's not really his enemy anymore, but something between a rival and a friend, and so for that reason his words carry more weight. He is someone Atsushi, logically, shouldn't trust, after what he did to him in the past, and yet he does, because things have changed since the Guild arc, and he knows he can count on him to be there for him and the ADA now.
And then, after him, there is Akutagawa. Who is basically exactly the same as everything I just described for Francis, but times one hundred. Of course Akutagawa would be last. Of course, if there's someone Atsushi would simultaneously and paradoxically be both intimidated by and yet comforted to hear their advice because of their tumultuous history together, far more than Francis, it would be Akutagawa. The progression of ADA members > Francis > Akutagawa in that order gives Akutagawa's appearance much more weight imo than just going straight to him from the ADA members, especially with the specific framing of him standing in line behind Francis to judge/advise Atsushi.... it's just much more powerful, and I wish they'd kept it like this, for both Francis and Aku's characters.
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fondly thinking about my best friend.
no idea how she's managed to stick it out with me this far but i'm amazed that after over 6 years she still has enough patience to tolerate me.
when i don't feel like i'm good enough, she reminds me of who i am. when i make mistakes, she doesn't treat me any different. when i'm highly dysphoric, she just /gets/ it and shows me unrelenting support and encouragement. she's my #1 hypeman, and i am hers.
there isn't another person in the world that's been able to make me feel even.. remotely okay in my own skin, about how i look and how a body feels (i would also say about who i am, but i'd be lying).
i realize that i've always had a bit of body dysmorphia and generally don't enjoy looking at my own face because it's.. very uncanny to me. i don't have a proper sense of style. but she always just?? has something nice to say and she does it so genuinely that you can actually believe that she means what she says. because she's the same.
i'll go out looking like a 12 year old boy and she's just. fucking. there for it. she'll cheer for it. do it with me. and then we'll walk around the block looking like two lil' dudebros together because we own the same clothes. and fucking hell.
this girl is too good to me. i absolutely don't deserve her.
sometimes it's hard to believe that someone like her exists.
and that i get to be witness to it.
there's caveats, of course. we talk so rarely (we go weeks without), the interests we share are few and far between and there's.. so many things i could never tell her because i will never get over that fear of losing her.
there is no right moment and there isn't a time and those are things i neither need nor want her to know, because it would change the way she sees me.
and i guess that seems callous and detached and dishonest.
but we are there when it matters. i am there when she needs me and i will always pick up her pieces.
i want her to have a good thing. she sees me as a good thing.
so i'll let her have me this way.
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Lilly: Good morning New Babel, you're listening to Screw Loose, your favorite early-morning exo rig and rig maintenance rig show this side of the white river, I'm Lilly.
The Bear: And I'm the Bear, and you- are on the air. What can we help you with?
Caller: Hello! Hi! So, uh, first time caller. My name is Zuri. I run a barley and flesh farm about an hour south of Isin. I'm in the market for a new rig. My last rig kicked the bucket. But I have an, uh, odd request that I was hoping you two could help give me some guidance on.
The Bear: Welcome to the show doll, we'd be happy to help. But first, I gotta ask, what were you running before and what happened to it?
Lilly: Yeah! We gotta know what we're dealing with here.
Zuri [beginning to laugh]: So we had an Arcadia Y-400-
[both hosts erupt into laughter]
Lilly: And it broke!?
The Bear: Doll what in the hell did you do to this thing!?
Zuri: [laughing] Listen! Listen! It was my grandfathers! We had been replacing parts on this thing since before I was born! It was its time!
The Bear: Lilly, is she dodging the question?
Lilly: I think she's dodging the question, Bear.
The Bear: Okay okay, so what exactly did you do to destroy this extraordinary museum piece?
Zuri: [laughing] Oh gosh I don't want to say it now.
[The hosts erupt with encouragement]
Zuri: My sons will play this game, where I'll be out working in the field. You know, rigged up, focusing on tilling. They'll sneak up behind me with their rigs on, jump up, curl up into a little ball, and try to lock themselves to my back-jack in the cargo position...
[The hosts are howling with laughter]
Zuri: They're- They're damn good at it too! My oldest, Zair, can do it in on solid motion. Its like one moment I'm minding my own business, the next moment I have a whole kid in a 100 pound work rig locked to my back!
Lilly: What a riot! Oh this is just dangerous to put on the air.
The Bear: Ahem, to all the parents at home we apologize in advance, please don't sue us.
Zuri: So- So one day- One day my youngest tries it, but he doesn't twist around fast enough, and the aux battery on the left arm clips an exposed spinal neurohelix. Zap! Neuros are fried. My legs and arms lock straight like stilts! Now I'm swearing up a storm, you know- "You little rats!" But I'm hobbling like a circus performer trying to chase em down and they're just dying. Musta been the funniest damn thing they've ever seen.
[The hosts continue to laugh uproariously at this]
The Bear: Doll we gotta get to advice part of the show or the network is gonna give YOU a show.
Lilly: What a way to go! You hit an aux to the spinal braid? That's fried. Done. Kaput. You gotta scrap that thing.
Zuri: Yeah, we've already gutted it. Old girl is rusting in the barn for parts now. Zair is a whiz, so I'm hoping he can get some good use out of it.
The Bear: So we hear you're looking for a new rig?
Lilly: What's your price point love?
Zuri: We've got a good chunka cash built up. We're looking at something in the 600 to 700 washer range.
The Bear: That's pretty good for a work rig. You've got a lot of choices.
Lilly: I have a sneaking suspicion that this price point has something to do with your special request?
Zuri: So, my oldest, Zair. I recently learned that he's been uh. Well gosh now I'm embarrassed about this too!
The Bear: Doll c'mon don't hold out on us!
Lilly: You called, we can handle it!
Zuri: I learned that Zair had been using the Arcadia to race on the weekends. He and some of the local kids would run street races at night. He's been rigging a grapple harness to the waist-jack, and stripping it before I need the rig for monday morning.
[The hosts laugh at this, though not as hard]
Lilly: Ha! So what you're saying is you want the biggest, slowest, beached-whale rig you can get? Something just impossible to race?
The Bear: I'm thinking an HR&R Pauldron, Heavy Industrial. With that type of money you can get the new 900 series. Ask for the high-stability option-
Zuri: No no! No you don't understand! The damn kid keeps placing last because he's been racing in a junker! What I'm lookin' for is something I can use as a work rig for the days, that's easy to strip and good to race on the weekends. I want it safe, you hear me? I can't stop this kid from racing, so I might as well get something that'll keep his skull together.
[The hosts explode into laughter again]
Lilly: You! You're a good mom! What I wouldn't give for a mom like you!
The Bear: Ma'am, one day, when I grow up, I wanna be like you. I wanna be that typea mom.
Zuri: So, can you help me?
[The hosts can be heard stage whispering for a moment, followed by the sound of cracking knuckles.]
The Bear: Okay. You've got a lot of good options here. My friend here wants you to get a sport rig, but that's not gonna have the torque you need for farmwork: Here's what you're gonna do-
Lilly: Would to! Have you seen what the Roadrunner 600 can do? Six point neuro uplink! Eighty pneumatic helices per leg! Tell me that's not good enough to rig a plow!
The Bear: The dirt Lil! We need solid-body articulation! Using a pneumo-helix for farmwork is like pouring sand into clockwork!
Lilly: You replace the dermis with a synthetic sheathe! I get no respect around here!
The Bear: Zuri, doll, here's what you're gonna do: You're gonna go to your local Post Office outpost. You're gonna ask if they have any old courier shipping rigs. You want middlegrade. Ask specifically if they have an Albatross W-500, or if you're lucky, an LH-640. These are long-haul light-load shipment rigs. They're ugly, but they're sturdy as hell, built for carrying things long distances through rough terrain.
Lilly: The kicker here is that they're both light-combat certified. Built-in medical and shock response treatment. You'll need to replace the medical gel canisters every few months to make sure they're fresh... And if a certain someone wanted to maybe engage in a little bit of light illegal street racing...
The Bear: Well the Albatross line is built to be constantly refitted for different weathers and terrains. So someone, not saying who, might have a real easy time stripping the plating for speed. That sound good doll?
Zuri: That sounds perfect, thank you so much girls!
The Bear: Perfect! Thank you for the call, you'll have to tell us how it goes!
Lilly: Please love we beg you! Call again! Toodle-oo!
Zuri: Thank you again!
[The caller hangs up, the show transitions into a commercial break]
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