#I'm still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too.

[vbecker10]

The Night Nurse (Part 2)

Part 1 / Part 3 (in progress... I think this is doing to be 4 parts lol I love this request so much, I'm sorry it has taken on a life of its own @glitterylokislut)

Pairing: Loki x female reader (Y/N)

Summary: You are the newly appointed night nurse for SHIELD and you couldn't be less excited about it. You have been given the side task of finding out who is stealing supplies from the infirmary. Soon after you start, you learn Loki is the one who has been slipping in at night to patch up his wounds and you confront him about why he can't heal as quickly as Thor. He reveals a dangerous secret he is keeping from the team and you worry increasingly for his safety as the two of you become closer over the next few weeks.

Warning: You asked for angst so I shall give you angst lol but also... some mentions of blood, minor injuries needing stitches, Loki generally feeling alone and isolated, arguing between you and Loki, very brief mentions of Loki's torture, Loki being an ass in the beginning, swearing, a pretty major injury towards the end but no one dies... a romantic ending was requested so of course there will be fluff and cuteness and whatnot

"There is something wrong with my magic," he tells you and your heart sinks. "It has been fading since I was taken by the Mind Stone."

"Wait... I thought they severed ties between you and the Mind Stone," you say in disbelief. "That was almost six months ago."

"They released me from the hold it had over me, yes," he says. He shifts uncomfortably on the exam table and you roll the stool you are sitting on closer to him.

You take his hand and he looks at you, "But its still affecting you?"

"I'm unsure how to describe it," he admits and you sit quietly, waiting for him to gather his thoughts. "Sometimes it feels as if the stone took a part of me when they removed it. Sometimes it feels like there may be a small piece of it that they somehow left behind," he pauses noticing the concered look on your face. "The majority of the time, thankfully, I feel completely myself."

You squeeze his hand, "I'm sorry Loki, this must be a horrible thing to deal with alone." He shrugs but you can almost see the weight on his shoulders. "You should to talk to someone. You can't keep all of this to yourself, it's too much."

"Can I talk to you?" he asks hopefully.

You smile, "Of course."

"And you cannot discuss what I tell you?" he checks again.

"Anything we talk about will stay between us," you promise him. "That's what friends do, right?" Wait, are we friends now? you think.

"Thank you," he nods with a smile then adds, "Would it be okay if we didn't talk about this any more tonight though?"

"Sure," you answer, afraid to push him further. You get up and roll the stool back to where it belongs. I'm glad he finally started talking to me, he really is dealing with so much, you think. He's going to get hurt if he keeps doing this, though. He needs to tell Thor or-

"I have told you, I cannot talk to Thor about this," he says suddenly as he gets up from the table.

"I didn't say-" you pause and turn to face him. "Did you seriously read my mind again?"

"Your thoughts are very loud," he replies as if that's an excuse.

"I don't even know what that means, but you can't keep doing that. It makes me feel like I can't trust you," you tell him crossing your arms. "And you should talk to someone, you could-"

"I had hoped to continue talking to you," he cuts you off, "But clearly that was a mistake."

"No, it wasn't a mistake," you follow him out of the room. "Loki, stop," you try to get his attention but he keeps walking away from you. "Listen to me, I'm worried about you getting hurt or worse. You can't keep going out into the field or even training with Thor if we don't find-"

"There is no 'we'!" he turns to face you quickly and you come to an abrupt stop. "It is my magic that is breaking, that is fading away and I need to figure it out on my own."

"Why?" you ask, becoming angry with him for his dramatic attitude shift. "Why can't I even try to help?"

"You are not even a full healer," he says in a harsh tone and you know he is referring to you being a nurse instead of a doctor. "You know nothing of my magic or of me. How could you possibly think you would be able to help?" he asks but he leaves you no space to respond. "And you do not need to concern yourself with my safety any longer."

"Wait, please," you reach for his arm but he vanishes before you are able to touch him.

The next night you sit cross legged on the floor trying to count packets of cotton balls as you take them from one box and put them in another. You pause, suddenly feeling as if someone is in the room with you.

"Y/N," Loki says in a quiet voice and you knock over one of the almost full boxes. You turn quickly to see Loki standing behind you.

You sigh and begin reaching for the packets, "If you need medical attention I will be with you in a minute. If you are here to yell at me again or tell me I'm useless, I'm busy. I don't have the energy to fight with you today."

"What if I am here to apologize?" he asks.

You look up at him and he tries to smile but you shake your head. "You can't keep being a dick and then acting like you're sorry. Maybe that's how it works on Asgard cause you're a prince but you don't get to treat me like crap and expect me to forgive you."

"I know," he says. He sits on the floor next to you, much to your surprise and begins to hand you the packages you can't reach. "I am truly sorry for last night, you did not deserve that. I know I can be a... a dick, was it?," he asks, trying to hold eye contact with you.

You nod and try not to let how upset he looks affect you.

"Hmm, I think that's the first time I've ever been called that," he says as if he is honestly thinking about it.

"To your face maybe," you shrug and he chuckles.

"That is probably accurate," he agrees but you don't respond. He nods, looking down at the floor as he becomes more serious. "Y/N, I shouldn't have lost my temper with you, I promise I will not do it again. I know you are only trying to help me and I greatly appreciate your concern although I am aware that I do not deserve it, especially not now."

You look down as well, fidgeting with the cotton ball packet in your hand. I want to forgive him but how can I be sure this isn't just his pattern? Is he going to continue to snap at me for no reason then apologize after? I want to help him and I'm so worried about him but I can't deal with that, you think.

"I understand if you don't wish to speak with me any longer," he says and you aren't sure if he read your mind or not. "But you were right. I do need someone and to be honest, I think I could benefit greatly from someone who tells me when I'm being a dick." He pauses then smile a bit, "That is such a dull insult don't you think?"

You can't help but laugh, "I wasn't really worried about being creative. It was more about getting my point across."

"It was a point well made," he agrees.

"If it helps," you say and he looks up at you hopefully. "I promise to call you something way harsher if you ever yell me again."

"I swear," he takes your hand, "I will not do that again." You nod at his words, allowing yourself to believe him.

He shakes his head, "It was not you I was upset with yesterday, I am upset with myself. Truthfully, I'm worried that I am not smart enough to figure any of this out and no one here understands magic. I'm afraid my magic will continue to fade or become more unstable over time and then I will be... I don't know who I will be without it."

"You'll still be annoying," you say without thinking and immediately regret it. He sighs and moves to get up from the floor but you reach for his arm, pulling him gently back down. "I'm sorry, my mouth is faster then my brain sometimes," you apologize. "I didn't mean that."

"You did," he says. "And it is okay. You are not the first person to find me difficult to deal with."

"You're not completely awful," you tell him with a smile. "And that's as much of a compliment as you're gonna get today."

"Well thank you," he laughs. "I'll take it."

"Good," you respond then stand up and he stands with you, "Cause I've got a lot of work to do and feeding your ego isn't on the list." You pick up your tablet and quickly log in the count on the cotton ball packets before you can forget how many there are.

"Are you really counting everything in here?" he asks looking into the open supply cabinet.

"Yep," you turn to him and put your hands on your hips. "Because someone was stealing supplies, remember?"

"Ah, right," he nods and rubs the back of his neck awkwardly. "I am sorry about that."

"It's okay," you shrug. "At least I'll get to read when I'm done... so long as you don't hurt yourself in the meantime."

"I think I can manage that," Loki says. After a moment of watching you slowly gather all of the gauze onto a nearby table he asks, "Would you like some help?"

You look at him shocked, "Really? It's pretty boring."

"It's the least I could do seeing as how this is my fault," he reminds you and you decide to take him up on his offer.

The following night, you set your coffee on your desk and begin your paperwork. About twenty minutes later, you are almost finished and Loki knocks on your office door.

"Hello Y/N," he says with a smile and you can't help but feel excited to see him. "Before you ask, I am pleased to report I am all in one piece."

You laugh, "That's good to hear Loki. So what brings you to my super exciting corner of the Tower?"

"These," he conjures a small bouquet of flowers and your mouth falls open in shock.

"They are beautiful," you tell him as you get up slowly and he walks towards you.

"I hoped you would like them," he smiles nervously.

"I love them," you take them from him, smelling the brightly colored petals.

This is why he asked me what my favorite flowers are? This is insane, the first man who has ever surprised me flowers is a literal prince, you think. A really hot prince. Oh my god stop thinking that he's hot, he's literally right here, he can probably hear you, you look up from the flowers to Loki and he chuckles.

"Did you read my mind again?" you ask him, your smile fading quickly at the invasion of your privacy.

"I'm sorry," his smile drops and he takes a step backwards. "I honestly do not mean to. I've told you, you think loudly."

"You keep saying that but I have no idea what that means," you say, the confusion evident in your tone. "Its not like I'm screaming my thoughts."

"That's not what I mean... I typically need to focus to hear what someone is thinking and even then it is not always coherent or a complete thought. Since the Mind Stone, however, I have had less control over my telekinesis much like my other magic. It comes suddenly, a person's thoughts will simply appear fully formed in my mind, as clearly as you are speaking now," he says. "This happens more often with you than anyone else in the Tower for some reason. Sometimes, I don't even realize you didn't say it out loud until you are upset with me."

"Oh..." you pause, having not expected him to be doing it by accident. "I guess just... try to stop doing it or I'll have to think of some more really annoying songs."

"Please don't," he chuckles. "It took me three days to get the chewing gum song out my head."

You laugh, "That's what you get for being in my brain."

"It is a very strange place," he jokes.

"You have no idea, so stay out," you smile and open one of the storage closets try to find a vase for the flowers.

"I will do my best," he promises as he conjures a crystal vase on your desk. You set the flowers in the vase and add a bit of water then Loki asks, "Would you like help with inventory tonight?"

"I need to finish this paperwork first but that would be really great actually," you answer and pull out your chair again. He sits down across from you with a smile. "Last night was a lot of fun," you tell him. "I was really hoping you were going to come back tonight so we could talk more."

"I can come every night if to would like," he offers.

"I would love that," you answer then look down at your tablet quickly, hoping he didn't see you blush at his charming smile. I hate when he's cute, you think.

"No you don't," Loki says with a smirk.

"It has been ten seconds," you roll your eyes at him.

"Sorry," he mumbles and you shake your head then begin to hum. "Norns, the gum song again, really?"

"I told you this would happen," you laugh then continue to hum until you finish your paperwork.

Where is he? you think as you pace nervously back and forth in the infirmary. Loki had come every night this week, as promised but he is later than usual tonight. What is really concerning you is not so much his timing, it's the fact that he went on a mission today.

You had heard from the nurses who were ending their shift when you arrived that there had been a large explosion at the Hydra base Loki and the others were sent to. You need him to come so he can tell you he is okay and that you are worried for no reason but every second that passes makes you more and more anxious.

I hope you liked this!! Please like, share and comment if you did 💚💚 Please let me know if you want to be added to my taglist!

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[canonicallyobserving911]

WIP Wednesday

Fanonwriter2023 on AO3

Where CANON and FANON collide!

Season 7 FANON FanFic: Buddie Multi-Chapter - Hiatus Reading: “I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Chapter 29 will be posted soon.

This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!

Currently 28 chapters completed: 1.77M Words; Rated: Mature

One chapter will be posted at a time.

{Previous snippet}

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I'm excited to finish writing Chapter 29 because at the end of Chapter 28, it was early in the morning and Buck and Eddie were lying in bed having a serious conversation about whether Eddie's going to delay the pursuit of his second paramedic certification, the ACP-C. Buck doesn't want him to give up his dream, especially now since they know what caused Buck's bradycardia and he's on medication. He's doing better and even though he's still grieving, he believes once he passes the last two stages of grief, Frank may clear him to return to work but he's still not sure if he wants to go back to being a firefighter. Also, Eddie's FMLA ends on January 31, 2024 but the question is will he extend it or return to the 118?

Additionally, Chris is still dealing with one of his classmate's lack of participation in their video game project and it's stressing him out. Furthermore, during their last group therapy session, Buck had a conversation with Captain Jeshan Mehta and he asked him if they could meet so he can get an objective viewpoint from someone about whether he could be a captain someday with the LAFD. He decided not to ask Bobby since he doesn't believe he'll give him an objective viewpoint because in September 2022, he told him he needed more life experience. Things are getting interesting as the Diaz family gets closer to their "New Beginnings".

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Here's another snippet from Chapter 29 of Buck and Chris inside of Super Target but something happens that causes Buck to come face to face with someone from his past and it causes him to enter protective dad mode so he can get Chris to safety.

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Buck and Chris are inside of Super Target shopping for a frame to put the adoption certificate in.

After looking at several options, Chris points to a black matte frame and asks, “What about this one?”

“I like it but it doesn’t look like it’s big enough.  Let’s check the dimensions.”  He replies then he lifts it off the hook, reads the sticker and proceeds to put it back but he pauses when Chris starts talking.

“There are some more frames over here.”  He says as he starts walking down the aisle.

Chris is 13-years-old but they still don’t let him wander inside of a store without one or both of them beside him.  Mainly because they don’t want to catch a damn criminal case for whooping someone’s ass if they’re being an idiot or worse a predator.

He’s lifting the frame as he says, “Hold on Chris, wait for me.  I’m on my wa…”  but he trails off when he hears someone start talking to him.

“You’re Eddie Diaz’s kid, aren’t you?”

At the sound of that voice, Buck freezes for a millisecond as his body fills with fear and he becomes paralyzed.  Everything starts happening in slow motion but he doesn’t have to look up to know who’s speaking because he recognizes their voice.

In conjunction with the fear he’s feeling, blind rage emanates throughout his body but he’s not sure how he can feel both emotions at the same time.  When he turns his head to the right to look at Chris, he almost gives himself whiplash.

When his fingers release the frame, it falls, bounces off the shelf and hits the floor.

His fatherly animal instincts kick in and he moves without thinking about anything else except for their son.  In this moment, his primary concern is to protect him because the fool that’s talking to him must have a death wish.  He’s glad he has long legs because he makes it to him in less than one second.

Chris asks, “Who are you?”

“I know your dad and Buck.  Isn’t that right Buckley?”

He’s trying to control his emotions and not make a scene as he protectively stands in front of Chris and positions himself so his 6.2’ inch frame creates a barrier between them.  While maintaining eye contact with them, he speaks in a low voice to his son.

“Chris, go find a Target employee, they’ll be wearing a red shirt, khakis pants… and uh, they’ll have a name tag on their shirt.  When you find them, stay with them, tell them I’m on aisle 34L, I’m an LAFD firefighter and I need immediate assistance.  Ask them to contact security and tell them to call the police”.

“But Buck, I…”  Chris replies as he moves to the side but Buck’s quicker and he continues to stand in front of him blocking his line of sight.

“Now Chris!  Please!  I need you to go, ok?!”  He says a little louder than he intends to.

“Ok.”

As he squares his shoulders with the person standing in front of him, he hears Chris turn around and he listens until he doesn’t hear his crutches anymore.

Like a volcano, the words that have been sitting on his tongue for months, erupt like hot lava.  “What the hell is wrong with you?”  He asks in a low voice because he doesn’t want to create a scene.

While smirking, the person standing in front of him moves closer and challenges him like they want some of this Diaz fire.

Since they didn’t verbally respond, he says, “Hear me and hear me clearly, as long as I’m alive, you better not ever speak to him again!”

“Certainly, you know that I can arrange it so you’re not alive anymore.”

He’s undeterred by that but he replies, “What the actual fuck were you doing talking to my son?”

“Your son?”

“That’s right!  He’s mine and Eddie’s son.”

“Oh… you must have forgotten to send me an invitation to your wedding.  But anyway… I was in the neighborhood; I saw you and him come in and I thought I’d say hi because I never got the chance to meet him.”

It’s in this moment, he realizes they’ve been stalking him and Chris and he knows he needs to put a stop to it.  He says, “If you ever come near me, my husband or our son again, I’ll kill you!”

“Is that a threat?”

“It’s a fucking promise!”

Who is Buck talking to like that? 👀

Who's been stalking him and his family? 🤷🏽‍♀️

Will Buck's bradycardia resurface because of this encounter? 😉😜

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Fic Summary: Months after Buck and Eddie were hit by the same lightning strike; they’re still struggling with the aftermath of it.  But before they make their love confessions, they’ll spend time getting to know themselves as individuals first. Eddie learns to enjoy the simple things in life as he participates in activities on his own and with new friends while Buck learns the rest of the 31-year-old deep dark family secret about his conception and birth. Their journey to forever is still a work in progress but once they finally admit they’re in love with each other, everything that follows their love confessions will be cataclysmic.

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Chapter Summaries

Chapter 1 - Eddie makes a new friend while Buck receives devastating news regarding the sperm donation he made for Connor and Kameron.

Chapter 2 - Buck does a lot of research to learn more about the abnormalities found in his red blood cells and Eddie starts a new therapy journey that’s all about him and not the traumas he’s experienced.

Chapter 3 - After more than a month, Buck and Eddie finally spend time together outside of work but it doesn’t end well and they part with a lot of uncertainty regarding their places in each other’s lives.

Chapter 4 - Eddie has a few realizations about his life which causes him to consider moving back to El Paso, TX while Buck continues to be reminded of his past which causes him to take an impromptu road trip across America.

Chapter 5 - Both Buck and Eddie have difficult conversations with their parents and Buck finally learns the truth behind the reason why his mother despised him while Eddie finally tells his mother about the way she tries to control him.

Chapter 6 - More than two weeks after Buck pushed Eddie away after suggesting they needed a break; Eddie decides to try again. Eddie’s there for Buck when he’s at his worst just like Buck was there for him when he was at his worst and he won’t let Buck give up.

Chapter 7 - After Buck’s mental breakdown, Eddie has his back the same way Buck had his when he had his own breakdown more than a year ago.  They share several vulnerable and emotionally intimate moments with one another and they begin to realize their small, sweet and caring gestures matter just as much if not more than any grand gesture ever could because these are the foundations of a long-lasting love relationship.

Chapter 8 - Buck, Eddie and Chris all have their own therapists and during their sessions, they reflect on their pasts while they’re in the present so they can prepare for their future together as a family.

Chapter 9 - Buck and Eddie are there for each other when Buck has to testify as a witness during the trial.  But by the end of it, they’ll both realize their individual and shared traumas are going to keep resurfacing until they talk about them, deal with the fact that they’re in love with one another and face the fact that they can’t live without each other.

Chapter 10 - As Buck and Eddie finally begin to confront their past traumas, they realize how much they need each other to fill in the gaps of their memories.  Additionally, the universe screams at them for what appears to be the one hundredth time so Buck can realize he doesn’t have to ‘find it’ because he already ‘made it’ and Eddie’s reminded tomorrow isn’t promised and he doesn’t have to die alone if he doesn’t want to.

Chapter 11 - A “virga” or dry thunderstorm is in the forecast but once the rain starts, the thunderstorm happening outside won’t be able to match the storm brewing inside between Buck and Eddie.  It’s the universe’s final scream and when the tumultuous winds begin to blow, they’ll have one last chance to hold onto everything they’ve built over the last six years or they’ll lose it all forever.

Chapter 12 - Buck and Eddie have always shared a deep physical attraction and an emotional intimacy that’s unmatched but now that they’re in a relationship, they’re learning how to navigate the romantic intimacy they’ve been waiting for six years to explore. The love they have for each other is a once in a lifetime, soulmate, love of their lives type of love that transcends space and time.

Chapter 13 - While navigating the newness of their romantic relationship, Buck and Eddie take advantage of every moment they spend together. As their individual lives, people from their pasts, time constraints and the possibility of losing each other again make attempts to interrupt and interfere with their journey to forever, they love, care for, support and hold onto each other even tighter to withstand it all.

Chapter 14 - Buck and Eddie can see the lights at the end of the tunnels regarding the results of Buck’s Cancer Screening along with everything else they’re dealing with. But are the lights they see exits to the tunnels or are they headlights on different runaway trains that are speeding towards them in an effort to interrupt their forever?

Chapter 15 - Buck and Eddie have known they were exactly who the other one wanted in a partner since they met six years ago when they agreed to have each other’s backs. They’re in a romantic relationship, they’re both preparing to ask the other one to spend forever with them and by the end of the seventh week into their relationship, together they will plan their most important and greatest adventure for their future.

Chapter 16 - As Buck and Eddie begin to prepare for their marriage ceremony that will take place in Rome, Italy in December 2023, they start planning their first international adventure as a romantic couple. Even though Chris is still the only person they’ve told about their relationship, several people who know them have already witnessed the love they share and as the days continue, others will witness it too.

Chapter 17 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to departing Los Angeles for their international adventure, a moment in time will remind them; life is fragile, tomorrow isn’t promised and every second of everyday should be cherished because everything can change in an instant. The result of that realization will cause them to hold onto each other even more.

Chapter 18 - As Buck, Eddie and Chris prepare for family gatherings before and during the Thanksgiving holiday, the “Santa Ana Winds” start to blow and all sorts of expected and unexpected familial drama ensues.

Chapter 19 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to their wedding day, the universe begins to align everything so that some of their parent and children's relationships are strengthened while others come to an abrupt end.

Chapter 20 - With only 14 days remaining until Buck, Eddie and Chris depart Los Angeles, CA traveling to Rome, Italy, for their first family adventure, an early morning conversation about “tying up loose ends” helps Buck and Eddie realize there are still several things left unfinished on their ‘To Do’ lists. The question is will there be enough time to complete all of them?

Chapter 21 - Buck, Eddie and Chris are finalizing their ‘To Do’ Lists, double checking their itineraries and packing their suitcases in preparation for their trip to Europe so they can board their flight that departs Los Angeles, CA on Friday, December 15, 2023 at 3:25PM.

Chapter 22 - While Buck, Eddie and Chris spend the first 8 days of their European family adventure in Italy, their primary reason for going will be fulfilled as well as several others they hadn’t considered or anticipated.

Chapter 23 - As the Diaz Family continues their Italian family adventure, they’ll say, “Ciao” or hello and goodbye to a lot of things almost immediately after they become an official and legal family.

Chapter 24 - After Buck, Eddie and Chris arrive in London, England on December 24th; the Diazes immediately start preparing to spend their first family Christmas together. During their stay, each of them will hear a few choice words that will be the life raft to get them home to complete their searches to be seen and to be found.

Chapter 25 - After spending more than two weeks in Europe, Eddie, Buck and Chris are back in Los Angeles and they’re getting ready to attend Maddie and Chimney’s New Year’s Eve party. During the event, they have plans to make two surprise announcements but the question is, who’s really going to be surprised, the Diaz family or their found family at the 118?

Chapter 26 - Buck and Eddie are once again faced with their greatest fear of losing each other but this time it could be permanent and if it is, then they won’t be able to spend the rest of their lives together.

Chapter 27 - After Buck resumes therapy, he’ll continue to face the fact that he “DIED” in March 2023 and during those sessions, he’ll learn about the 7 stages of grief. As he continues his healing journey, Eddie will be right by his side just like he promised and the Diaz family will start to deal with their three minutes and seventeen seconds loss as a family.

Chapter 28 - Two years ago, Eddie was asked, “What are you afraid of?”; twice, once by Frank and once by Buck but he only answered one of them without deflecting. Since that time, he’s been to therapy and him and Buck got married but the question resurfaces when Frank asks Buck the same question and Buck asks it of Eddie for the second time. However, when Buck asks, his reasoning will be about something else entirely.

Chapter 29 - Will be posted soon.

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Read chapters 1-28 are available on AO3.

Continue reading on AO3

[ao3commentoftheday]

Hello. I was wondering if you could offer some advice for me even though it's a common topic :) I used to write all the time and had a huge flow of ideas that kept overlapping each other which made me super creative both in writing and in drawing. But for the past few years (vaguely stopped at the beginning of 2020) I've had no desire to write at all. A cynical part of me has convinced me that it won’t matter to even begin as I don’t finish and barely write the stories and so I don't achieve the satisfaction of deeper immersion into my stories. I know I’m not a bad writer but that my writing suffers when I have no passion.

Previously I would brainstorm/rant with my friend (vice-versa) who was also a writer but we've drifted apart since (and my other friend has no mental energy for writing anymore because of life). I find it very difficult to keep and maintain any growing passion when I'm alone and unable to share with like-minded people - my passion/motivation seems to die when I can't share it. So how do I regain and maintain it? (Obvious answer is to find someone to share ideas with but... how...? And how do I learn to motivate myself when I'm alone?)

It might be a common topic, but each individual situation is still unique. You're going through a lot, anon, and I'm glad you reached out to get some support 💗

Let's start by looking at the factors you've identified that make it difficult for you to write:

Possible burnout - 2020 makes me think of Covid, stress, uncertainty, constant change, perhaps other factors that are more specific to you as an individual. All of these things are exhausting both mentally and physically and can lead to burnout

Limited support from your community - 2 friends are less involved in your writing than they used to be

Limited empathy for yourself - your frustration is turning into self-blame where you're focusing on the fact that your stories aren't finished rather than on the fact that you lack passion for them

I'm drawing some pretty big conclusions here based on two paragraphs of text, so please do push back against anything that feels like an unfair reading of what you wrote. But it seems to me that you've been through an emotional wringer over the last few years between 2020 and your friendship drifting and not having the same supports in place that you used to have.

I think the thing you need to focus on right now is giving yourself the love and kindness you're not currently getting from others. You're beating yourself up for not finishing a story, but you say that your passion comes from immersion in it. Immersion doesn't require an ending. It just needs you to find a way to get deeper into the characters and/or the plot and/or the world.

You used to be able to find that immersion by talking about your stories with your friends. I agree that you should seek out people again since that's clearly really important to you, but while you do that you should also try to identify ways that you can immerse yourself without someone to talk to.

Try stepping away from the idea of writing the story down and instead allow yourself to just daydream about it. Think about the story. Imagine what might happen next. Play with scenes and explore the possibilities instead of deciding for sure what will happen next. When the story isn't written yet, you have an infinite choice of ways that it could go. Perhaps leaning into those myriad options will help you find the fun in it again.

As for finding a new community of people you can talk to about your writing? That's going to take some time and some work. Finding a discord server of like-minded folks. Commenting on the works of writers you find interesting. Replying to comments on your own stories. Posting ask games on tumblr and sending asks when other people post them too. Making friends online isn't always easy or fast, but those are some possible ways to go about it.

But also consider seeing if your local library has a writer's group. Join a local hobby group unrelated to writing where you can find people you enjoy. Your community doesn't have to revolve around fandom. It can also just be people who like you and who you like in return and you all feel comfortable sharing what you love.

Since you sent this ask in, I reblogged a post about rehab for writing injuries. I think you might want to take a look at that too. I think you might find it helpful. ❤️

[revelingrexan]

:D

MADE SOME THINGSSS

if you want to use them as actual cake topper images or other decoration, you have my full permission to! that's why i made them! (i'd love if you tagged or messaged me if you do!)

if you do want to use these for cakes, i also made several other versions and have notes under the cut

OKAY SO FIRST OFF I'M NOT AN EXPERT ON PRINTING STUFF. the (very) short version is, purples and pinks don't show up well in the most common printing method, and that "most common printing method" is used in edible printing, like what's used for cupcakes and cakes

(most printing uses a color model called "CMYK," if you want to look it up)

so!! maybe you can use the images above the cut and it'll be fine, or maybe you need to give the printers these versions. these colors were picked because it lets the images turn out like the ones above the cut, NOT how they're shown here:

i'll find out if giving the printers either version works or what in a few months, and i'll update this section then (or sooner if someone fills me in), since i'm planning on getting myself a Lucifer ducky cake for my birthday :3

i'm including versions with circles because many cake designs are circular -- including the one Lucifer used in-show lol and what i plan to print -- and the circle is placed relative to where i intended the image to crop and how i intended its composition. (if you'd like the circle to be placed a bit different, you can do so using the square version)

i included a bunch of variations where Lucifer's not holding anything, if you want to add a number for someone's age for a birthday cake or your own object or some phrase or whatever you please

again, idk how printing works, so i might swap these out for the more vibrant versions depending on what i eventually learn. i'm just prioritizing these less bright versions basically so everyone remembers these are the intended / expected colors

AND A LAST TOTALLY UNRELATED NOTE:

if anyone wants to take a crack at making the image as show-accurate as possible, BE MY GUEST. SHORT VERSION IS, I DID A GOOF WHEN TAKING THE BASE IMAGE OUT OF PERSPECTIVE, SO IT CAN'T BE CROPPED TO LOOK HOW IT DOES ON THE CAKE LUCIFER CANONICALLY USES, WHAT WITH LUCIFER'S HAT AND ALASTOR'S EARS GETTING CROPPED OUT

(i wanted to make a "complete Lucifer hat and complete Alastor" version as well as a cropped version for the pedants [affectionate] out there. but the second version didn't work out when the time came 😔)

it'll probably take some artist's license to get everything to fit in a perfect circle, but here's two versions where i actually did the first step more correctly, using my programs "mesh transform" to get it circular

in the first image, Lucifer is more accurate, and Alastor is more accurate in the second, in case anyone wants to use these (no obligation; you can do your own thing if you'd prefer).

the mesh is still visible in the second image because i hadn't intended to keep the screenshot -- i just thought the mesh looked wild, so i screenshotted, but it was a lucky save since Alastor looks decent there. (it might also be preferable if you use a mesh with more points than in that screenshot)

again, some artist's license will likely be required to get them both looking good. have fun with it! i might try this project again in the future, but for now i'm done lol. (it'll probably be at least a few months or a few years if i do try again, and no guarantee that i will)

[averseunhinged]

it's that time again! wip wednesday, day of suffering and reluctant sharing.

this week's offering is from the soulmate au from ages ago, the middle of which is a total disaster. so, idk how much of this is going to end up in the finished product. or if there even will be a finished product. you know how it goes. i poked at it for a couple of days, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

if you want to read the previous bits, it was this and then this.

“What did the Salvatores teach you about blood sharing with another vampire?”

“The only thing I ever learned from Damon was superhuman patience," she scoffed. "Stefan got really uncomfortable and gave me some speech about urges and experimentation and being careful. And saving myself for marriage, I think? Which I still don't really get, but he's grandpa-times-five old. Maybe that sort of thing lingers. So, I gave him a pass on the unexpected abstinence-only moment.”

Elijah allowed himself a fraction of a moment to shut his eyes in pain at the sheer incompetence. “That sounds stunningly inaccurate. Though, he was correct on one point. It is not to be taken lightly."

"I," she began and twitched forward, reaching out to brush nonexistent dust from the dash. "Yes. I got that much from it. The keep your fangs to yourself lesson, not the--"

Her blush was vivid. Obvious, even in the sedan's dim interior.

“My brother made an error of judgement," Elijah continued as gently as he could manage. "He did something he should not have without your permission, counting on your ignorance. It was wrong. I will not deny that. But I hope you understand there was little chance he could have known the repercussions of his actions, and he has suffered greatly for them. We all have.”

"Explain," she ordered. If the situation had been less serious, he might have allowed himself more amusement from the liberties she took.

"When blood is shared between two vampires, it creates a sort of," he paused for a moment of thought before continuing delicately, "closeness, limited and short-term, beyond the physical. In most cases, one does not court a stranger’s fangs.”

“Most cases?”

“My father fed primarily on other vampires, not merely because he hated them, but for the perversity of the act. The violation.”

“That's--” Caroline trailed off.

“Yes. When he was human, he was a man of his time, and not a singularly bad one, at that. He loved his wife and family in the way men did--with brutality. However, he ensured we went without as little as possible and taught us the same. You might not care for his methods, but he shaped us into the people we needed to be: competent, hard-laboring survivors.”

Her mouth opened and closed again as she fought her instinct to argue, perhaps understanding he had little interest in her perspective. They may have originated from the same location, but Caroline was a staggering number of generations on from his family's origins. Mikael was a monster, there was no question. Elijah didn't need her to explain that. Mikael was also wildly successful by tenth century standards.

“And then he turned?” she finally asked, having edited out the less relevant commentary on the matter.

“And then he turned,” Elijah agreed. “It amplified an ugliness within. The raider of his youth. A marauder and a conqueror.”

“I don't think I want to know this.”

“You must.”

“Why must I? Why are you doing this? He has a baby, and a bitchy werewolf baby mama, and a whole other life, while I'm here, cleaning up the mess he left behind. Why do I have to solve his problems, too? I don't have time for this.”

Elijah smiled, a scant tilt of the mouth he tipped his chin to hide. How they snapped and snarled, she and his brother, as they tried to escape traps only they could see. He had no doubt she drew blood with her sharp tongue, vicious as Klaus with his bite.

“Yes," he agreed. "We are all running out of time, but it is important you fully understand what has occurred.”

“Why? Why now?” she begged, staring down at her hands, now tightly clasped.

“As in many areas, intent does play a role. Niklaus backed himself into a corner, magically speaking, and has been driven half-mad adhering to it, along with the numerous demands placed upon him. He made you a promise--a vow, one you reinforced upon your parting--without knowledge of the repercussions. In the time since, his mental state has deteriorated. As has yours, by your own admission, to a lesser degree."

He glanced away from the road, wanting a better gauge than his peripheral vision could provide. Eyes wide, Caroline slowly shook her head in denial, but seemed to have lost any verbal argument she might have had.

"He is an original hybrid, the only of his kind. Even he does not know the finer points of the magic from whence he was formed. Perhaps, he should have known better than to take such a risk with you, with himself, but if I have correctly parsed his explanation, the exchange of blood is not an act in which he has partaken in many centuries. Even then, it was a brief period of experimentation, given that he found the results uncomfortable. Until he a found himself desperately unhappy in New Orleans. He wished to carry a piece of you, of the contentment your presence gifted him. It was meant to be temporary. It is temporary, when the act is between vampires."

"But he's a werewolf, too."

"He is both, and neither," Elijah clarified.

[taeyungie]

😺

[artykyn]

Not me crying because I had a really bad beginning of 2023 and signed up for a program that would proceed to make the rest of my 2023 rough and I spent the whole first three months of 2023 trying to pick myself up and motivate myself like "I'm gonna make it through this year if it kills me" and well look at that I made it

[astrxealis]

sometimes i think of scenarios in my head with my ocs and then sometimes for happy brain i kinda crossover them with my favorite medias atm and also insert myself in bcs i like being self-indulgent and yeah my brain is so fucked up that i just keep repeating the same first bits and can't get far in thinking and i end up just having my s/i ramble my thoughts and it's hard to explain but yeah but anyways it's interesting thinking about who or what my ocs would like in video games or colors or whatever because all my ocs seem to reflect a certain part of me and i can get into the psychology of that but also its hard to explain my thoughts but also anyways yeah i find it interesting thinking about who my ocs would kin

[llycaons]

if you see a picture of me you will know. despite my mother’s fondest wishes I was not made for ballet. I’m dense and short and tough and I don’t care what I look like and I don’t perform and I fucking love flipping people over and being thrown on the ground and wrestling and grappling and pinning. it’s the best I feel so strong I feel so cool I feel so good. having a hobby than involves physical contact with other people + being active in a way that I can tolerate and suits my body type + learning fun new things >>>>>>

[thewritingpossum]

sometimes people on rate my professors are just wrong

[dragonfyre-creations]

I don't think I've ever poured so many of my physical attributes and so much of my heart and soul into a character design before in such a personal way before so fuck it whenever I finish the final design for Faeng and whatever I come up with I'm making her into my sona (dragonsona? Persona? Idk how this works lmfao)

(long dump in the tags and under the cut)

The last time I was even remotely connected this much to a character was when I designed Jaxsu, but honestly never truly made her my sona/main character, she was just the one I used most often in art pieces. I never really actually liked her lore and backstory enough because she was what I wanted to be instead of what I am/was. Jax isnt perfect either, but her parents love her and otherwise has friends and is loved unconditionally. She has a healthy relationship with everyone and everything. This is where the disconnect happened and where I actually started to dislike her despite her being my otherwise favorite character for awhile. Both Faeng and Jaxsu have ADHD and Autism but Jaxsu was able to put that towards a job and becoming a ship captain and winning a colosseum tournament. She's done all of these great things so even if she didn't have a healthy relationship with her parents they'd still love her because she's done something impressive and useful.

Faeng on the other hand, has to fight for everything. Her parents are important and have important jobs, and place all of these unreachable and unrealistic expectations on her and expect her to reach them with minimal effort and be perfect, but she can't no matter how hard she tries. She needs someone to explain it and break it down for her in steps so she understands what do to and how to do it so she doesn't mess it up. She's both strong and smart but it's not in practical "normal" ways or subjects. It's convoluted, It's not in the ways everyone wants her to be, she has no teachers to help her understand how to channel that strength and intelligence into something "useful" so she puts it towards the things she likes and wants to do, and thus struggles in a world that would otherwise be easy to navigate and conquer if she were "normal". Those that do understand her and try to help her are alienated by other people in an attempt to either punish both of them or force her to adapt to be somewhat passing as normal, if not then at least listen to what she's told to do. She does eventually make acquaintances but find that her twisted speech and weird explanations aren't worth trying to decipher and understand so they leave, they don't put in the effort to meet her halfway even though she's struggling and doing her best to speak in a way they'll understand.

Her parents acknowledge her differences but in a way that frames it as flawed and wrong, something that needs to be corrected, and push her to figure out her problems by herself, tearing down any support network she tries to build. She tries her damned hardest but it's not enough, it never is and never will be for them because she's not the perfect child they wanted. She showed promise in her younger years being a "gifted child" so she knows what love and acceptance lies in wait and what could be if she could just be normal and perfect. Her achievements and promise come and show in waves. She burns and fizzles out in one of the most virulent, painful ways possible after getting hurt trying to prove her worth yet again. She holds nothing but criticism, vitriol and contempt for herself because she can't claw her way back to where she was before, this time something happened and something is terribly, horribly wrong this time but she doesn't know that it is and can't figure it out, nor will anyone tell her. Whatever it is, left a mental and several physical injuries and it does nothing but deepen her self hatred and her parent's waning belief in her. She listens to false promises and praise of other people who do nothing but wish to manipulate and harm her but she stays because any form of praise is deemed good, she hungers for more and does worsening things.

She ignores the people who tell her that what she's doing is dangerous and will only end in disaster, because she doesn't believe them. If the people who are saying they're her friends are telling her that the people she hurts deserve it and that what she's doing is good, then surely she needs to believe them over strangers, right? Everything comes to a breaking point and shatters around her leaving her with quite literally nothing but her own self hatred, newfound rage and overbearing mental issues she needs to navigate once again to find out what hell it is and what's wrong with her now. She's scared of everyone and everything with the added bonus of now being hyper-aware and perceptive of people's mannerisms and behaviors, especially those who want to manipulate or harm her again. She wraps every vulnerable part of herself in metaphorical thorns and teeth to bite and maim whoever pries and digs into what she truly is, even people who want to understand her. She suffers at more than her own hand, forcing herself to deal with everything alone, until she finally meets someone that could be considered a true friend. She slowly opens up and helps them as much as they help her before everything comes crashing back down once again upon the reveal that they've been lying to her the entire time about very serious issues, and she's been used as nothing more than an attack dog once again. She burns every bridge and everyone around her in one final breakdown of rage before shutting down completely. One of the groups of friends she's shoved stay comes back and asks if she's ok. She doesn't understand why they're being kind, why they're concerned it why they care and tries to shove them away again. Every single day they still ask, talking even if there's no response from her, until she finally relents and breaks.

She's finally loved and accepted despite every fault and every flaw she has, and every time she tries to pull away out of fear of being an inconvenience they pull back twice as hard and remind her that she's able to just exist, she doesn't need to constantly be useful and that they care. She finally, finally is comfortable enough to let herself be accepted and then becomes the most clingy little shit, just as they do with her. But yeah, my own life has been very much of the same, especially the last part. Every time I go on another self-hatred spiral and drop off the face of the earth my MonHun bros give me a metaphorical slap to the face and remind me that I don't need to constantly prove my worth to everyone and prove that I'm useful, and that existing every once in awhile is more than enough. If that doesn't work then it's "you need to get your ass back over here because we're failing the Safi siege without the absolutely ridiculous amount of DPS your build Switchaxe does". I was not intending for her to be so much like me but goddamnit she's wormed her way into being my favorite now and I guess Mirage is no longer my impromptu sona

[canonicallyobserving911]

“I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Fanonwriter2023 on AO3

Where CANON and FANON collide!

Season 7 FANON Speculation: Buddie Multi-Chapter Fanfic - Hiatus Reading: “I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Chapter 26 is now available on AO3.

Please note: Chapters 24 and 25 were posted at the same time.

This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!

“I’m still in love with you but... I needed to learn how to love myself too!”

Currently 26 chapters completed: 1M Words; Rated: Mature

One chapter will be posted at a time.

___________

Here's a snippet from Chapter 26 of an emotionally distraught and hysterical Eddie while he's on the phone with 9-1-1.

___________

“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”

“Yes I’m at 4995 S. Bedford St. and I have an adult male, 31 years of age who's unconscious and unresponsive and I need medical response.”

“Ok sir, can I get your name?”

“Eddie Diaz! I’m a firefighter and a paramedic with the 118.”

“Eddie!” Linda asks.

“Yes! Linda, I’m so glad it’s you.” He heaves past the sob lodged in the back of his throat that feels like a ping pong ball and continues. “Listen, it’s Buck… SHIT!” He stops talking because he remembers he needs to follow protocol for her recording then he tries again. “I mean you need his first and last name for the call. It’s my husband Evan Diaz and he’s also a firefighter with the—the 118.”

“Ok Eddie, I’m checking to see which RA unit is closest to that address but can you tell me what happened?”

“I—I don’t know but I came into the living room; he was swaying back and forth and I caught him before he—he hit the floor. I manually checked his vitals by doing the ABC method… I opened his airway, checked his breathing along with his circulation, then I—I got my medical bag and checked his pupillary response which is fine but his pulse, his blood pressure and his heart rate... and all of them are still low which is why I believe he might be having a bradycardia event. Linda… oh my god, whatever is happening to him is more serious than syncope because he’s still unresponsive.”

“Can you tell me how long he’s been down?”

“It’s been more than two minutes but I didn’t start counting until after I caught him so I could be one or two seconds off.”

“Ok, Eddie, our closest unit is 6 minutes away.”

He frowns and loudly asks, “Six minutes? Why?! I’m sorry please—please forgive me for being loud but I... I—I’m asking because there’s a fire station less than 4 minutes away from here.” He feels like he’s about to crawl out of his skin because the proximity of their home to the closest fire station in this area is one of the reasons why he decided to purchase it. He wanted to be close to one for Chris just in case they ever have to call emergency services.

Will the RA unit arrive in time to save Buck or will Eddie lose the love of his life? 👀

___________

This is an EPIC LOVE STORY!

Fic Summary: Months after Buck and Eddie were hit by the same lightning strike; they’re still struggling with the aftermath of it.  But before they make their love confessions, they’ll spend time getting to know themselves as individuals first. Eddie learns to enjoy the simple things in life as he participates in activities on his own and with new friends while Buck learns the rest of the 31-year-old deep dark family secret about his conception and birth. Their journey to forever is still a work in progress but once they finally admit they’re in love with each other, everything that follows their love confessions will be cataclysmic.

__________

Chapter Summaries

Chapter 1 - Eddie makes a new friend while Buck receives devastating news regarding the sperm donation he made for Connor and Kameron.

Chapter 2 - Buck does a lot of research to learn more about the abnormalities found in his red blood cells and Eddie starts a new therapy journey that’s all about him and not the traumas he’s experienced.

Chapter 3 - After more than a month, Buck and Eddie finally spend time together outside of work but it doesn’t end well and they part with a lot of uncertainty regarding their places in each other’s lives.

Chapter 4 - Eddie has a few realizations about his life which causes him to consider moving back to El Paso, TX while Buck continues to be reminded of his past which causes him to take an impromptu road trip across America.

Chapter 5 - Both Buck and Eddie have difficult conversations with their parents and Buck finally learns the truth behind the reason why his mother despised him while Eddie finally tells his mother about the way she tries to control him.

Chapter 6 - More than two weeks after Buck pushed Eddie away after suggesting they needed a break; Eddie decides to try again. Eddie’s there for Buck when he’s at his worst just like Buck was there for him when he was at his worst and he won’t let Buck give up.

Chapter 7 - After Buck’s mental breakdown, Eddie has his back the same way Buck had his when he had his own breakdown more than a year ago.  They share several vulnerable and emotionally intimate moments with one another and they begin to realize their small, sweet and caring gestures matter just as much if not more than any grand gesture ever could because these are the foundations of a long-lasting love relationship.

Chapter 8 - Buck, Eddie and Chris all have their own therapists and during their sessions, they reflect on their pasts while they’re in the present so they can prepare for their future together as a family.

Chapter 9 - Buck and Eddie are there for each other when Buck has to testify as a witness during the trial.  But by the end of it, they’ll both realize their individual and shared traumas are going to keep resurfacing until they talk about them, deal with the fact that they’re in love with one another and face the fact that they can’t live without each other.

Chapter 10 - As Buck and Eddie finally begin to confront their past traumas, they realize how much they need each other to fill in the gaps of their memories.  Additionally, the universe screams at them for what appears to be the one hundredth time so Buck can realize he doesn’t have to ‘find it’ because he already ‘made it’ and Eddie’s reminded tomorrow isn’t promised and he doesn’t have to die alone if he doesn’t want to.

Chapter 11 - A “virga” or dry thunderstorm is in the forecast but once the rain starts, the thunderstorm happening outside won’t be able to match the storm brewing inside between Buck and Eddie.  It’s the universe’s final scream and when the tumultuous winds begin to blow, they’ll have one last chance to hold onto everything they’ve built over the last six years or they’ll lose it all forever.

Chapter 12 - Buck and Eddie have always shared a deep physical attraction and an emotional intimacy that’s unmatched but now that they’re in a relationship, they’re learning how to navigate the romantic intimacy they’ve been waiting for six years to explore. The love they have for each other is a once in a lifetime, soulmate, love of their lives type of love that transcends space and time.

Chapter 13 - While navigating the newness of their romantic relationship, Buck and Eddie take advantage of every moment they spend together. As their individual lives, people from their pasts, time constraints and the possibility of losing each other again make attempts to interrupt and interfere with their journey to forever, they love, care for, support and hold onto each other even tighter to withstand it all.

Chapter 14 - Buck and Eddie can see the lights at the end of the tunnels regarding the results of Buck’s Cancer Screening along with everything else they’re dealing with. But are the lights they see exits to the tunnels or are they headlights on different runaway trains that are speeding towards them in an effort to interrupt their forever?

Chapter 15 - Buck and Eddie have known they were exactly who the other one wanted in a partner since they met six years ago when they agreed to have each other’s backs. They’re in a romantic relationship, they’re both preparing to ask the other one to spend forever with them and by the end of the seventh week into their relationship, together they will plan their most important and greatest adventure for their future.

Chapter 16 - As Buck and Eddie begin to prepare for their marriage ceremony that will take place in Rome, Italy in December 2023, they start planning their first international adventure as a romantic couple. Even though Chris is still the only person they’ve told about their relationship, several people who know them have already witnessed the love they share and as the days continue, others will witness it too.

Chapter 17 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to departing Los Angeles for their international adventure, a moment in time will remind them; life is fragile, tomorrow isn’t promised and every second of everyday should be cherished because everything can change in an instant. The result of that realization will cause them to hold onto each other even more.

Chapter 18 - As Buck, Eddie and Chris prepare for family gatherings before and during the Thanksgiving holiday, the “Santa Ana Winds” start to blow and all sorts of expected and unexpected familial drama ensues.

Chapter 19 - As Buck and Eddie get closer to their wedding day, the universe begins to align everything so that some of their parent and children's relationships are strengthened while others come to an abrupt end.

Chapter 20 - With only 14 days remaining until Buck, Eddie and Chris depart Los Angeles, CA traveling to Rome, Italy, for their first family adventure, an early morning conversation about “tying up loose ends” helps Buck and Eddie realize there are still several things left unfinished on their ‘To Do’ lists. The question is will there be enough time to complete all of them?

Chapter 21 - Buck, Eddie and Chris are finalizing their ‘To Do’ Lists, double checking their itineraries and packing their suitcases in preparation for their trip to Europe so they can board their flight that departs Los Angeles, CA on Friday, December 15, 2023 at 3:25PM.

Chapter 22 - While Buck, Eddie and Chris spend the first 8 days of their European family adventure in Italy, their primary reason for going will be fulfilled as well as several others they hadn’t considered or anticipated.

Chapter 23 - As the Diaz Family continues their Italian family adventure, they’ll say, “Ciao” or hello and goodbye to a lot of things almost immediately after they become an official and legal family.

Chapter 24 - After Buck, Eddie and Chris arrive in London, England on December 24th; the Diazes immediately start preparing to spend their first family Christmas together. During their stay, each of them will hear a few choice words that will be the life raft to get them home to complete their searches to be seen and to be found.

Chapter 25 - After spending more than two weeks in Europe, Eddie, Buck and Chris are back in Los Angeles and they’re getting ready to attend Maddie and Chimney’s New Year’s Eve party. During the event, they have plans to make two surprise announcements but the question is, who’s really going to be surprised, the Diaz family or their found family at the 118?

Chapter 26 - Buck and Eddie are once again faced with their greatest fear of losing each other but this time it could be permanent and if it is, then they won’t be able to spend the rest of their lives together.

Chapter 27 - Will be posted soon.

__________

Read chapters 1-26 are available on AO3.

Continue reading on AO3

[talkorsomething]

Too [insert adjective here] for guard ...................

Well, it's only half related.

We "hit a pothole", "had a slipup", whatever you want to call it — sunday. Aka: for the sake of my sanity we are not labeling it a relapse but good god does it feel as though I have invited the demons back in.

I know why, but I don't really know why. Because, I mean... I never have, to begin with. So: when I decided i was doing it sunday, i accepted it. "Let it happen", as someone would probably say to me. It's not...

I've been thinking about it for a while now. It's like anything - it comes and goes, a few times a year, and no matter what, I always ignore it.

Except, maybe there's something I'm not paying attention to? Or, ignoring, is the better word for it?

Of course it would be the one thing I have happening in my life.

November, I was burnt out for unrelated reasons. It was a lot to take in. That made sense. Now? ... why now?

There's not really any pressure on me. Yes, I have to do things, yes, it will be noticed if they're bad, but ...... it's not important. We don't spend time on it. I'm coming back next year, but it might be at the cost of ... all of this. I think it's progress. I haven't touched my guitar in any serious capacity in over a year. I think it's progress.

I don't take compliments well. I can't tell if that's why I don't get them, but I'm not being corrected much either. Only when I drift too far from what the work is supposed to be, only after weeks of it going, I can only assume, unnoticed. I keep getting stuck.

...push it back down.

Telling me I'm doing good isn't telling me what I know I have to be getting wrong. I could take it, at the cost of... all of this. I'm anticipating, and I know it can come. This is not where I was when I started.

It's been said, I haven't been told, that not starting it means you're more of a burden, by making the other person have to do it first. I know that. I do. And still it doesn't help. I'm not drowning. It wasn't an accident, but it wasn't planned, either. I don't know you.

I don't know you.

I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. Every week I tell myself this is really it, and every week I come back, and ... what? Forget I ever said anything? Forget we're not friends?

Well, we're not, huh? Nobody is, with me. What you see I swear you misunderstand. You don't ask. If you do, well, I can't answer. We're at an impasse.

It's not even my fault we didn't make it. I shouldn't feel like this over nothing. I don't do anything. You will, correctly, not let me do anything, because potential doesn't matter if you can't back it up. If you won't back it up. I let things happen to me.

I don't even feel better. And, actually, ironically, i think i know what would let me feel better. If I can't be upset with anyone else, at least I can be with myself.

... but, well, not even that. Your heart in my hands, but I mean it diegetically. And metaphorically. I hate putting myself out there, I hate having to actually perform, and yet every time, no matter what, I do it. I'm fine. I only cared at the start, and even then not very.

I don't feel anything. Not a lot, anyways. I don't let it happen. I can't. I don't know what it'll mean if I start being honest with myself.

...

I've pulled myself out of this before. A few times, now. Different circumstances, but I've done it all the same. Seasonal depression notwithstanding.

I'm only here because I did things I was scared to. And still, I'm the same. No progress made. The only way out is to do it again but I feel like I can't. I can't.

Will someone just let me say that?

Will someone just fucking help for once?

[medicinemane]

I'm very tired, I have to do everything around the house myself (as in, I keep having to turn the water off and on to the kitchen sink until I teach myself to install a new faucet, and negative cleaning gets done if I don't do it), and the money is in the hands of the third worst person in the whole family when it comes to money (the worst being my grandpa who is dead, and my grandma who blows all her money on overpriced jackets and other junk)

I'm very tired, I have to teach myself how to do everything, and I have almost literally no support in any way shape or form ever

I can't remember the last time anyone said they were proud of me... I don't actually know if anyone's ever used that word with me before. When I do something like get the trailer cleaned out or buy a house, frankly no one gives a fuck, except my grandma who gets mad

I haven't actually had a chance to see anyone that counts as a friend in like 15 years, and I mean even in high school everyone liked me but no one could be bothered to actually ever even talk outside school... so even back then it's not like I had anyone I was close with

I'm providing this version where I totally remove how I feel or how I view myself from the description and instead try to provide something close to an objective description of things

So if you wonder why I say what I say about myself, honestly I think it's pretty much all summed up here

[nexus-nebulae]

im trying to learn how to better keep & reheat leftovers (bc if i dont know how to do a specific thing my brain won't let me try At All) and im getting better at eating bc im learning how to rely on food i know i like & lasts me at least a few days but is very easily heatable

[robinsnest2111]

thinking about everyone who experienced me, premium front row seats and audience participation included, at my absolute worst and still want to have something to do with current day me. idk what I did to deserve you peeps in my life and I hope every single day I can be a good friend to you now that I'm actively trying to heal 🙏